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" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" No Name in The Street " is the title given to a work of art James Baldwin penned in 1972 . This production of a master wordsmith chronicles certain events of his life up until that point . It 's poignant that the words he forged 42 years ago are still razor sharp and piercing in regards to the times and issues of today . His words then , as they are now , are glowing red hot concerning the issues of today . It is a great failing of American society and culture that these words , this wisdom titled " No Name in The Street " has been meat in the pot of American sub consciousness for nearly half a century , and the same words are still said and still , fall on deaf ears and dead hearts . The same passionate reactions and same pin point accuracy that " No Name in The Street " voiced about race relations , police brutality , and the injustice of the American system labeled justice , has not changed . The attitudes that birth and nurse these demons of society have only evolved and added technological ways of camouflaging themselves , but the same bitter and rotten blood that Baldwin wrote of still pumps vigorously through America 's veins . I would not say that is an autobiography in the traditional , or what a publisher would ask for sense . " No name in The Street " does not follow the liner path that has become the rule - of - law prescribed to modern and most autobiographies . The book does open with him writing about his childhood but what he does write about circles the relationship between his older brother and father . The book then jumps about twenty years or so to his time in France , witnessing the brutality that Algerians were suffering . Baldwin , like Langston Hughes , marveled at how well the French treated him as a Blackman from America , shellshockingly different from the treatment he had received in America . Baldwin , like Langston , soon came to see that was only spared the tragedy of American style hate in this society because at that time in France it was already in use and they focused it upon North Africans . Baldwi3rd radio spot " Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
As soon as he could get around he built a shanty 12 ' x 20 ' and divided it into two rooms . However , he had sent for his family before the shanty was finished and for two weeks we all lived in our 12 ' x 16 ' room . They had three children , Walter 7 , Albert 3 , and Charlie 5 months . Their few pieces of furniture we put along the sides of the room as best we could and covered their stove and put out our stove with a few boards over it , and I used to say we all lived outside in the daytime and inside at night . It was beautiful weather in the month of June . Our lot and Mr . Lloyd 's were soon cleared enough so they could secure Mr . Henderson to plow them so we could get in a garden . Mrs . Lloyd was fond of a garden and had brought a lot of garden seeds , which she divided with us and they hurried the seeds into the ground as fast as they could . Soon the Lloyd 's house was built and they moved into it , thankful of a place of their own and that Mr . Lloyd 's foot was well again . My husband got no chance to work at plastering as there was so little to do in that line and what there was had to be taken by a man named Pugh who lived at Bluevale , a little village about 4 or 5 miles East of Wingham . There was in the village an old building owned by C . Tait Scott and Mr . Lloyd and my husband rented and paid the rent in repairs . The basement was made into a workshop for Mr . Lloyd and the first floor became a showroom for any furniture he could make , while the upper floor provided a picture gallery by putting in a skylight and other needed fixtures , so it made a very good room for the purpose of making embrotypes , which was all he could take at that time as he had not learned any other kind of photography before we were married . The art was almost in its infancy and he could not start taking pictures for want of money to buy chemicals and materials . He worked all that summer at anything he could get to do , roadwork , splitting rails at 75 cents per 100 , and boarded himself in the hot weather . He also got a job whitewashing a large barn and outbuildings for T . G . Jackson . Our garden grew apace . I never saw one do better and we were glad when we could get anything out of it for our table . At one time money was so low that Mr . Lloyd and my husband could only raise enough between them to pay for 15 pounds of flour . On the 12th of July there was an Orange celebration and for that day Wingham was a lively place . My husband assisted as a table waiter that day for the dinner at the new hotel where hundreds went for dinner and help was scarce . My husband was handy at this job , having been assistant butler in England and head butler in Montreal for a year before he joined his brother in learning the plastering trade . So pluck and perseverance and sunshine and shower , with a kind providence our meals from day to day . I took in sewing and made a number of dresses . I understood cutting and fitting and Mrs . Lloyd was a good seamstress and she made the skirts of the dresses for me . We sewed a good deal for Mrs . Griffin and took for pay a quart of milk a day , which we divided between us . My husband had the room and the camera for photographing but could not raise $ 10 . 00 required for chemicals . On one occasion , speaking to Mr . Green about this , Mr . Green said if he would make out a list of what he required , he would get them for him when he went for his stock of store goods . That was very kind of Mr . Green and was much appreciated . No pictures had been taken in Wingham except a few dark and imperfect ambrotypes taken by a Mrs . Long who kept a millinery shop and took pictures as a sideline . As soon as the chemicals arrived , my husband prepared to use them and soon was able to produce good pictures . He had not taken photographs before but there was a man in Clinton who could do this and he wrote to him , and as a result , went to Clinton for a week and learned the art . The demand for photographs at that time was not large as the ambrotypes were most popular . Taking pictures in those days was most difficult and so different from now when everything is made ready for use . My husband made his own baths , silvered his own paper , coated his own negatives , changed gold dollars into chloride of gold , distilled the water for his silver baths , fused his baths when they began to get a little cloudy and impure , and in this way was able to take pictures and develop them for use from the basic chemicals . He made a study of the chemistry of this work and understood much that nowadays does not seem necessary for a photographer to know . The picture business slowly increased and was a boon in that time of small means . Mr . Lloyd was able to put up a small house that Fall 14 ' x 21 ' consisting of a living room and pantry . He put millstairs in the entry that lead to the attic , which he made into a bedroom . The two rooms of his first building became the two rooms opening off the new living room . They moved into their new place in November , my husband getting the plastering finished just before the cold set in , and Mr . Lloyd 's brother - in - law , Mr . Olds , came from Simcoe the next day . Mrs . Lloyd was laid up at this time for about 3 weeks with an ulcerated ankle which would not heal , but one day , as she was reading of King Hezekiah being healed with a poultice made of figs , she decided to try a poultice of split raisins as she had no figs , and this quickly healed the ankle . She had been obliged to sit in one chair with her foot on another and a young girl came in every day to do the work and look after the children as Mrs . Lloyd was unable to get around . My husband decided to build a small house 15 ' x 22 ' and was working on the house as he found time from his picture business , and finally got along to the point where he could take the lumber off the shanty to complete the new house , which consisted of one large room for a living room , a small bedroom and a front entry and stairs to a chamber . Between the front entry and bedroom was s pantry . The house was enclosed and had windows and we moved in on a mild December 17th , having slept at Lloyds for two nights after the shanty had been pulled down . One gable end was not finished on the first night we occupied the house , but it was finished the following day . It was so mild that I was able to wash the windows that day while my husband went on finishing the house and lathing it . No partitions were up . For a few days he hired a carpenter , Mr . J . Haines , to put in the stairs and help with the completion . He got the bedroom lathed and plastered . By setting up the cook stove in front of the bedroom door , we were able to get much of the heat into that room , so that it soon dried . By the New Year 's the weather became very cold and everything in the house froze . In the mornings , we were obliged to sit by the stove to eat our breakfast . Georgie was wrapped warmly in a quilt and seated in the little chair his father had made for him . Our bread , we thawed out in the oven and would hardly thaw fast enough for us to eat it , but with a good fire and with our cups on the stove , we managed to make our breakfast of bread , butter and tea , and by 10 o ' clock it was getting milder and I was able to prepare our dinner more comfortably . Mr Haines came to go on with the work but it was so cold that it had to be postponed for a couple of days for milder weather . My husband would gather and bring in enough wood that was lying around on the lot for the day , then go to his picture room and make a fire there . By 11 o ' clock , people would begin to come in for pictures and he had his place comfortable and was able to supply our daily needs and even more . He did not usually come home at noon as there was often someone in for pictures at that time , but he was able to leave and get home by 4 o ' clock when he would get on with the work of the house , battening up the cracks and covering them tight with mortar . A hole in the floor became the mortar bed as it was made up in a box placed underneath . ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 2 ) arrived . One cold night , Feb 5th , 1866 a tiny little fairy came to loving arms that welcomed the little treasure . The girl stayed with us about a week after the baby came and then had to go home . Another young girl was secured for another week after which time we managed to paddle our own canoe . When Mary was one week old , my husband plastered the living room and by degrees it was all finished . ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 1 ) and a smaller one for him . His rocking chair and a rocking chair for a homemade table and me . And then the addition of a bedstead or two and a bureau bought from Mr . Lloyd . Some needed chairs and we were quite content with our furnishings . We were young and full of hope and energy , and with two dear little ones , George and Mary , we were well off . Dear Mrs . Lloyd , our dear and ever willing advisor about the children was an invaluable friend . Our little George was very fond of his little sister and we thought them both prize children and wove a fancy picture for the future of our darlings . When Mary was about a month old and our house quite comfortable , a Mr . Fulford , an Episcopal Methodist minister came to the village and , after calling on a number of people , started protracted meetings in Upper Wingham . The Wesleyan ' Methodists held meetings in an upper room provided by Mr . Jackson , a merchant of Lower Wingham . He supplied a free room for the use of the Methodists . There were three branches of Methodists in Canada at that time , viz : Wesleyan , Episcopal and Primitive . There were a few Episcopals in Upper Wingham who favoured the opening of special services in an upper room of Mr . Srigley 's house The town was growing and many outsiders visited it . Some visiting clergymen came to assist at the meetings . Accommodation was scarce and we offered to put up two overnight if they could manage with a bed on the floor of our living room . This was accepted and in the morning when I left our bed , Mary was fast asleep . While I was preparing breakfast , our guests having arisen from their lowly bed , I caught sight of Mr . Blackwell taking the straw bed on which they had slept into the bedroom . I called out " What have you done with the baby ? " He said , " I never saw her " . " I bundled the feather bed and bedding down to the foot of the bed to make room for the straw bed . " I sprang to the bedroom and rapidly opened up the pile of bedclothes and rescued our baby gasping for air from her close confinement . She was a wee mite and easily overlooked , but none the worse for her experience . So the days came and went , always full of work , with out two little ones to care for . No need to take in sewing to keep me busy . I was not very well and Mrs . Lloyd urged me to get out in the fresh air . " After breakfast " she would say , " Take your children and go for a walk as far as you are able , then sit down and take a rest . Rest a while and then return and you will be better able to do your work ; and , as the dandelions appear , dig up the roots and drink dandelion tea . " I followed Mrs . Lloyd 's advice and every morning with little Mary in my arms and Georgie by my side , would take a walk in the fresh air , and the dandelion tea provided a good tonic . My husband had work at his trade that summer and with a good garden and a little to do in the photography line , times were not so hard as they had been . Some building was being done in and around Wingham . Mr . Lloyd 's business increased considerably and everyone was hopeful . On holidays , my husband did a brisk business in the picture line , but he did not keep his gallery open all the time . When the cold weather came and the plastering season was over , he kept his gallery open every day , as wintertime was the time when people had more leisure to have their pictures taken . Toward spring I had a young girl to help me take care of the children . As yet we had no cow , but my husband heard of a cow 5 or 6 miles away and the little girl we had was at home near where the cow was . My husband decided to go out after supper , stay overnight at the home of the little girl , and in the morning come home with the cow and the girl would return with him . When he left at night , Georgie was quite reconciled to his going for he was to come back in the morning with the little girl , Bessie , and the cow . But that evening , Georgie was taken sick with a cold and was very ill . I was alone with the children , but Mrs . Lloyd came over and advised me giving him a warm bath and wrap him up warm and perhaps he would go to sleep and be better in the morning . I did this and she went home saying that if he seemed worse , she would come over anytime that I called her in the night . About 1 o ' clock , he seemed worse and I ran over to Mrs . Lloyd 's house and called her . I had a fire on and the room was warm and there was plenty of warm water , and we got Georgie into it and then wrapped him warm with blankets and after a while he sweat a little . Mrs . Lloyd stayed with me till his father arrived in the morning , and little Georgie was a sick little boy . Mrs . Lloyd advised a pack and we got him onto one about 9 o ' clock and with cold cloths on his chest and head and with a hot water bottle at his feet , we watched anxiously , changing his cloths every few minutes . His fever was so high that his clothes came off steaming at first but after a while the fever subsided . Then another warm bath and we wrapped him up again and he had a good sweat and the trouble was finally checked . It was congestion of the lungs but after a few days he became our lively little boy again . In any need about the care of children I always found a skilful and unfailing friend in Mrs . Lloyd . She had been used to their little ills and needs and knew just what to do in every case . I had so little experience myself that I had it all to learn . One day when our little Mary was about a year old I put her to sleep in her little crib that stood against the wide windowsill that we used for a bedroom table . There the little one was standing up in her crib and had reached some matches off the windowsill and had sucked the phosphorus off some of them . I knew they were poisonous and was alarmed . I knew not what to do . Taking Mary in my arms , I ran to the door and called loudly for Mrs . Lloyd . She heard me and came quickly and immediately advised an emetic of mustard and water , I think . Anyway , we soon had the little one vomiting and the phosphorus was brought up from her stomach . There was not a great deal , but she soon recovered from our treatment and was none the worse for her experience ; but I was a wiser mother and careful to keep matches out of reach after that . That year a kitchen and bedroom was added to our little house and a half acre lot was levelled and cultivated and gave good returns for the labour bestowed upon it . That summer the little town had seemed to grow and there was a real 1st of July celebration and a large crowd gathered and did justice to the ample supply of provisions . The children enjoyed games and races on the banks of the Maitland River in Lower Wingham , July 1st , 1867 . I remember the swings and the merry - go - round that my husband had fixed up for the little ones and which were in operation most of the time . The older people had a busy day but it was enjoyable to see the little ones so happy and satisfied . I remember Mr . Flack and little boy ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 3 ) came to our home . Mrs . Lloyd had now three boys and one girl while we now had two boys and one girl . ( Alvin was born on November 21st , 1867 ) ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 3 ) ( REB ) My husband was busy in the summer at his trade and often miles away from home in Wawanash or some other place but in the winter , the photo gallery was usually busy . That winter , our Georgie saw his first Christmas tree . The English Church had one for their Sunday School . It was held in a room over a shed near Mr . Cornyn 's hotel and my husband took our little boy to see the tree . He was only 3 ½ years old but the sight was so pleasing and so new to him that it left an impression on his memory that he never forgot . The next year , and nearly every year thereafter , we had a Christmas tree at home to the joy of the little ones . The following year , the English Church built an edifice for their own use and Mr . Lloyd was the contractor . He purchased land from Mr . Tom Gregory where he had found clay suitable for brick and started a brickyard about a mile from Wingham on the gravel road toward Teeswater and brought brick for a new church . The church was a beautiful place and built to the satisfaction of all . My husband did the plastering and the ornamental work , in which he was skilled , but alas for Mr . Lloyd , he had taken the job to cheaply and he lost his little home in consequence ; but every worker on the church was paid . My husband , ever friend of Mr . Lloyd , shared with him the losses . Mr . Lloyd lost on the building of the church , but his reputation did not suffer , rather it was established for skill and honesty . ( As this man was such a friend to my G . Grandfather , I have noted this to be a significant part of my family 's history . Such Character . I can see what my G . Grandfather saw in him . I have seen it in other Blackwell 's . It must have been a point of true friendship between them ) ( REB ) Our little boy , then over three years old , ( George ) used sometimes to go there to the Church where his father was working . It was not very far and he had learned the way , so I was not afraid to let him go alone . One day , when he was at the church with his father , they saw a busy bee on some wild clover . His father drew his attention to it by throwing a pebble near where the bee was so he could see it from a distance , and he never forgot his first lesson in nature study . About this time , we began to teach him to read and spell . His father would often write with chalk on the woodwork of the kitchen and , as I was about my work , would teach him so he could spell the words to his father when he came home . I remember the first Christmas we had . A new sleigh his father had bought him was at the foot of the tree and he was delighted with it when he spied it . Before this , his father had made him little sleighs and wagons , but this was a bonny new sleigh , shining with new pain and a real joy to our little boy . My husband had purchased a half - acre lot on Leopold Street and , in consideration of work done on the English Church , Mr . Lloyd did the carpenter work on a cottage for us and in July 1869 , we moved there and rented our former home . We liked the cottage . The land was high and the view was good and my husband bought two more lots on the same street adjoining ours . So we had an acre and a half , which seemed quite an extensive piece of land . There was plenty of wood on our grounds . The first place we lived in was well cleaned up and fenced and now we had moved to where there was plenty of fuel as the trees were mostly fallen and poles lay about in abundance . The land was cleared up by degrees and cultivated and a good garden grew rapidly . A schoolhouse was built on the same street and the Lloyds also lived on it . The schoolhouse stood across the street from Lloyds and down the hill from our place so we were not quite so close to them as before . My husband had built his photograph room the year before adjoining our house and did good work there . Our sitting room served as a waiting room for the gallery and was pretty well occupied for customers were good . Plastering in the summertime was still very busy and I remember my husband plastered a house for Thomas Henderson , a well to - do farmer who lived on the Bluevale Road . Our little Georgie had become very useful to me in doing errands . Once his father was plastering a store on Main Street and I would give him a little basked and a note and he would take it to his father who would send him across the street to the store with instructions as to what to get . After the things were purchased and put in his basket , he would return home with them , never failing to perform his errand and thus saving me much inconvenience and time . There was not much leisure for a busy woman , at least before Christmas . We had no well and had to get our drinking water from a well opposite Mr . Lloyd 's house or else from a spring north west of our house near where the C . P . R . ( Canadian Pacific Railway ) station was afterwards built . I did not like to leave the little ones alone while I went for water , so I used to rise early and slip off to the well or spring and bring two pails of water while the little ones were still sleeping , but they were early birds too and I could not leave them for long . There was a well at the English Church nearby that contained plenty of water but it was so impregnated with mineral that it was unpleasant both for drinking and cooking . While at work on the English church and while doing something to the ornamental work on the front , my husband met with an accident . A scaffold had been built for the bricklayers and , while my husband considered it unsafe , the others laughed at him and declared it was safe enough , so they all went to work on it . But it proved unsafe for one part of it came down and my husband was bruised and hurt on his right shin and had to bathe it well at the pump . Though he continued to work afterward , for a long time he had to make repeated trips to the well for cold water to relieve the pain . He always felt some consequence of that fall and , whenever it bothered him , he treated it with cold water to allay the pain . George was now six years old . The principal of the school put him into third reader the day he was six as he was much advanced over those of his own age . Little Mary went for a while to a private school run by Mr . Hessian and began to learn to sew and did well making a suit of underwear complete for her doll . She was past 4 years old and Alvin was 2 ½ years old that summer , and he and Mary were often taken for twins , as they were nearly the same size . They played together and often went to the spring together for water . The spring was perhaps five feet in diameter and perhaps a couple of feet deep , the water clear and cold . A board was laid across the front of the spring to stand on when dipping the water . One day Alvin ventured on to the board while Mary was filling her pail and somehow fell into the spring . Mary helped him out on the board and they came home , Alvin wet from head to foot and crying , and Mary trying to comfort him . To make matters worse , one of the neighbours , a rather crusty old lady , came along just at that time to get water and gave the kiddies a bawling out for getting the water dirty . Alvin was soon fixed up and none the worse for his experience . Maitland River from the town . There was plenty of level land and lots of trees , but also clear spaces making a fine place to picnic . I put Seraph in her carriage and with the other three , went to the picnic . The weather was warm and bright but very pleasant on the picnic grounds . As it came toward the latter part of the afternoon , I took the youngsters and started for home , as I knew I could only go slowly . Soon I left George and Mary to come along behind with the neighbours . It had begun to look cloudy before we left the picnic but , as the trees hid the clouds , we did not realize how close the storm was . When nearing home , I heard the thunder and hastened on , hoping my other little ones were well on their way home . Soon after I got home , Mrs . Miracle came in to stay till the storm passed over , as there was no one at her home , which was near . After she came in , I left the two children in her care and hastened out to see if I could see anything of George and Mary . As I passed into the lane between our cottage and the English Church , there came a bright flash of lightning , followed by heavy thunder just as George and Mary appeared around the corner of the Church . I ran and soon had Mary in my arms . As I her up she said , " Oh Mama . I was most struck " . I always remember the sight of the two children , Georgie in his best clothes leading Mary by the hand and she in her white dress and white straw hat and blue ribbon on it , a sweet , fairy like little girl . We hurried on into the house just as the raindrops began to fall . It was a drenching shower but did not last long . That fall we seem to have had much to do but I was young , healthy and hopeful . There was the garden truck to gather in and all the little ones helped except Seraph . She could not walk but was very good . There was the corn to be cut and fed to the cow . Finally , we hired a man to cut and stook the corn , then I carried it night and morning to the cow , and there was wood to gather . We had plenty of wood split and piled near the house but knowing there would be wet and snowy days when I could not gather the roots and other wood lying around in abundance , I preferred to gather while I could and save the pile of split wood . One Saturday in October , there were indications of wet weather and I drew up long poles and sawed them with the bucksaw into stove lengths , enough to last us over Sunday . I could use a saw but never could handle an axe . But the wood needed no splitting . I rather overdid myself but my husband came home that night and I had no need to do anything and I did not try getting up any more wood that Fall . The winter came and with the duties I had little time to be idle . My dear friend , Mrs . Lloyd was very poorly . She had gone down to Simcoe in the fall to visit at her home , hoping it would do her good , and it seemed to for a while but her strength seemed failing and before spring she was unable to do her own housework . She had 5 children , the youngest being Willie , about 18 months old . Mr . Lloyd got her help in the house but she grew weaker and finally could not sit up , and after about three weeks of confinement in bed , the end came . She was worn out . A little woman weighing only about 80 lbs . , she had been very active and incessant in her labours of love and kindness to the sick or anyone needing help and sympathy . Her end was peaceful and visions of the other shore and the green Elysian fields beyond where she saw her mother and bright faced children at play gladdened her sight as she passed through the portals to the home for the weary . It was a sad home . Mr . Lloyd had hoped she would get better and would not believe otherwise till the end came , and he was left with his 5 motherless children between 13 years and less then 2 years . I felt I had indeed lost a friend who like a sister to me , was so patient , so kind , so helpful , ever ready with words of encouragement and advice . But she was gone . After her burial , I used my influence to secure a housekeeper for Mr . Lloyd and succeeded in securing one I knew was capable to undertake to care for the little group . Mr . Lloyd was building a farmhouse in the country at that time and had to be away during the week , and for the satisfaction of all parties concerned , I took an inventory of everything the house contained . The young woman , Catherine Weathers , had agreed to stay a month until Mr . Lloyd had time to look out for someone who would agree to stay a year or more . Mrs . Lloyd died in June and before the end of July , Miss Lizzie Hawke , a friend of Mrs . Lloyds , who had lived in the family of Mr . Lloyd 's sister for some years , came from Simcoe and undertook the care of the family and she did well , and convinced great interest in the children , especially the younger ones , Louise , nearly 4 years , and Willie , less than 2 . In fact all of them were well cared for . Charlie , less than 7 , Albert , about 9 , were made comfortable and she was kind to Walter , about 11 , and all the family . She taught Louise to use a needle and taught them all to speak pieces at Sunday school and for a couple of years did all that she could for them . But her health was not very good and she went away to an Aunt 's for a time . Mr . Lloyd then had the widow Dayton for a housekeeper and she suited so well that he concluded that he would like to have her permanently and in January , 2 ½ years after the death of his first wife , he married her . My husband stood up with them and our friendship continued while life lasted . In November , after the death of Mr . Lloyd 's first wife , our little Ruth ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 5 ) came to us , a bright little blossom fair and frail and beautiful . We now had 5 children . About this time , or even before , my husband had been thinking of looking out for a farm as a better place to raise our growing family . I did not like to leave our cottage home . I had dreams of an ideal home with plenty of ground for garden and playroom for the children . The land was getting cleared up and was fenced but a 100 - acre farm a little over a mile from Wingham was to be had on easy terms and my husband thought best to secure it and did . So we sold our cottage and moved right after Christmas to a rough board house , unplastered . A Mr . Whalen moved our goods with the help of a neighbour farmer and then with his team took us , about dark to our new home . We had eaten breakfast in the cottage on a plank placed on chairs to form a table , as our things were ready for moving . The farmer came at daybreak for our goods . Our dinner we ate at Mr . Lloyds , Miss Hawke making us very comfortable , and our supper we ate on the farm in our new home . Little was said as we all rode in the big sleigh across the fields from I 'd had help for some time , all fall in fact . When we found we were to move right after Christmas and would have little chance to do much baking for some time , I had prepared some provisions to supply us for some time . In a large two - bushel basket , I placed two or three good roasts of beef , then around that I put several loaves of bread filling the basket ; and then I tied on a canvas cover . I felt we had enough cold meat to last but had several loaves left which I put in the top of the flour barrel . Then I filled our dash churn with doughnuts and a tin box with cookies and mince pies . I had baked and frozen enough food to last a month and these , with the Christmas cake and some other things packed in a boiler , rode safely to the new home . So we were well provisioned for a beginning . After we got into the house where the fire was warm and bright and the lamps were lit , out first effort was to give all the children their supper , which was not hard to do , as everything was cooked and handy . My husband had set up some of the beds and as soon as they had their supper , the children were put to bed and were very soon asleep . Not so with my husband and me and our hired help , a fine girl , Miss Janet Thompson . We had to put things in shape so that we could get the breakfast and begin , early in the morning , the work of the day . My husband had hurt himself before leaving the cottage and it gave him some uneasiness . He had procured a large handsleigh and had stakes put in it so he could pile on as much wood as he could pull up to the door . One day , while going around the sleigh , which was in the path , he slipped and fell , striking his side on one of the stakes on the sleigh . It was quite sore but he paid little attention to it and walked to the farm , leading the cow and getting her into the stable before we arrived with Mr . Whelan . We slept comfortably and arose early the next morning . We had found much to do . The chamber floor was made of loose boards that had shrunk so badly that they all had to be turned and put close together to make a tight floor . Everything downstairs had to be covered to prevent dust from covering them and , while Miss Thompson looked after the children , and tended to the work downstairs , my husband and I got the boards of the floor repaired and made tight ; then we put what we wanted up there and relieved the congestion downstairs . In this way , the week wore away and my help had to go . We had a good New Year 's dinner in spite of our dull surroundings and my husband began immediately to improve the house until we had one large living room and a pantry with shelves underneath them . Then the plastering had to be done . The house had been boarded up inside and out with hemlock lumber and the space in between filled with dirt about 5 feet up or more , to keep out the cold . But the boards had shrunk and the dirt around the edges of the floor next to the wall so the first thing my husband did after the stairs were in place was to lathe the house . This he did with lathe made from cedar rails . There were plenty of them and he selected nice straight ones . Soon the house looked considerably better inside . Then my husband cased the doors and windows and stained the woodwork and we felt more like living again . But it was a busy winter . My husband 's hurt side troubled him for some time . A rib was evidently broken but it would not have been so bad if he had not strained it just when it was getting better , but pulling up a load of wood . He had to be careful for a long time and we had to depend on our boy Georgie who was a little more than 7 ½ years old , ( 1871 ) to get up the rest of the wood for a couple of weeks . Fortunately , it was handy and easy to break up so he got along very well . We had only two cows and the fowls to look after outside . My husband still had the building for taking pictures in Wingham and one day we went to town with little Ruth intending to have her picture taken as she was 5 months old and had never been taken . It was about the dinner hour when we arrived at the gallery and word came to us from Mr . Lloyd 's to come over and have dinner ; so we went at once , intending to take the pictures immediately after dinner . By the time dinner was over , a snowstorm had come up and , fearing the result if we waited very long , we went directly home and never did get a picture of Ruth . There were maple trees on the place and as spring came on a number were tapped and we made 70 lbs . Of maple sugar and 7 or 8 gallons of syrup and a quantity of vinegar from the last run of sap . All this was very interesting to us . Then there was a few acres of land that had been chopped and waiting to be fallowed ( logged and burned ) . My husband logged it up and burned it and then we had a plowing bee and five acres were added to the 25 acres already cleared , and we felt we had quite a piece of land ready for seed . As soon as weather permitted , the crop was put in and did very well . Our little Ruthe , a lovely little blossom , and as good as she was lovely , was just able to stand alone when she was taken ill on September 10th , the day she was ten months old . She was quite ill for two or three days and then seemed better . I thought her teeth to be the cause of the trouble . Then she grew worse again and dropsy developed and on the 24th of September our darling ceased to breathe . ( 1872 ) Mr . Flack , a local preacher , and a dear friend , held a service in the house and she was laid away in a cemetery near Wingham . The children all loved their sister and Alvin , who was less than 5 , cried so hard we feared he would be ill . George and Mary seemed to understand that she would be safe in the arms of Jesus . Seraph , who was 3 , was too young to realize our loss until some time afterward , and then she realized she would never come back and we found her weeping one - day for her departed little sister . But time goes on unheeding and present duties claimed our attentions . The fall was a busy one gathering the products of the soil of our first year on the farm . The children and I gathered in most of the potatoes and vegetables that year for my husband was away most of the time busy earning money with his plastering that the farm could not earn yet . Winter came on before the plastered houses were all finished and I used to go with him to his work in the township of Wawanosh and return , then go to get hi at the appointed time to bring him home . My help at home was good and reliable and I could safely leave the children in her care . One particular morning I well remember . I awoke but did not know the time for the clock was downstairs and I was sleeping upstairs with the little girls , and being anxious to get up early , decided to go down and see what the time was and , not wanting to waken the others , I took the candle in my hand and started down . As I did so , I passed under four or five bundles of cotton batting that had been nailed to one of the rafters . As I passed on , I heard a noise and looked back . My candle had set fire to the batting . The roof was as dry as tinder and I knew it would soon be on fire . I could not see a blanket handy to wrap up the burning bats but there was a mat on the floor underneath and , in less time than it take to write it , I had seized the flaming bats and pulled them on to the mat . However , some remained on the nail still burning and my hand , already burned , went into the fire again and brought down the remainder to the mat which I quickly wrapped around the burning bats just as little Mary woke and asked what was the matter . I told her everything was all right and to go to sleep and she was satisfied and I heard no more from her . I went downstairs with the candle in one hand and the smouldering rug in the other . My hand was smarting badly so I called Catherine and plunged my hand into a pan of flour that stood on the table . It was cool and gave relief for a moment . Catherine was on hand quickly and made a fire and put some glue to melt , also some wax that my husband used to make moulds for his plaster of Paris ornaments . I knew both were good to keep out the air and give relief to burns but the pain was severe and I nearly fainted from its effects but a glass of water restored me and I lay down on the couch . The hour was about 5 a . m . The glue relieved some of the burns and the wax some of the blistered fingers but the back of my hand was still painful until I placed it in a pan of cold water that seemed to give the most relief . The children got up and Catherine gave them their breakfast , and George , who was not past 8 years old , got down our Doctor 's book by Dr . Gunn and undertook to find a cure for burns . He could read nearly anything at that time and found a recipe for burns that we had all the ingredients for . Here it is : 1 tablespoon of sweet oil put on the stove , half the amount of beeswax melted into it . Then take off the stove and as it cools , stir in a teaspoon of spirits of turpentine , then spread on a thin cloth and lay on the burn . This was done and immediately the pain left me like a wave and I went to bed at 8 o ' clock to sleep for three hours . The relief was quick and wonderful . The next day I was to go 7 miles past Wingham to get my husband and , finding a friend from the country was at Mr . Lloyd 's , I called for her and she was glad of the chance to get home the next day . My hand suffered no setbacks and in a couple of weeks was quite well . The woollen rug on the floor had been the means of smothering the flames caused by my carelessness . A little delay and we could not have saved the house , as it was tinder dry . The winter was passing and spring came on . George and Mary went to school and found it a long walk . But they were young and brave and , like young hopefuls , made their way each day to the little log schoolhouse that was scarcely large enough to hold pupils . During the summer months a little boy came to us and we called him Milton . ( 10 . 2 . 4 . 6 ) He was a bonny boy and the children were all delighted with his advent . When he was about 3 months old , Mr . Ingram , a contractor , who was to build a new schoolhouse on the 10th concession , came and asked for board for himself and brother and three apprentices who could not get a boarding place near the site of the schoolhouse . As Catherine was good help and willing to stay , we agreed to board them . This was quite an undertaking , as our own family of 5 children , the older people , and sometimes a hired man were quite a family and five boarders meant much additional work . Breakfast was early so the workers could walk their 1 - ½ miles to their jobs and be there in good time for a day 's work . They would come home for dinner but wanted their supper taken to them so they could work as long as daylight lasted . This plan was carried out and every night Catherine and George , with provisions for five men , and a can of hot tea , would start off in time to give them their supper by 6 o ' clock . George felt the long walk home tiresome at times for he had walked home from school and then , after eating his supper , had to start again to help Catherine with the men 's suppers . But the time hurried along and our boarders completed the schoolhouse and got away before the snow fell . One amusing thing happened in those early years on the farm . My husband was away and I was alone with Catherine and the children when I thought I heard someone calling in the woods . The back end of our farm and Mr . Wade 's farm was all timber and we had to go across Mr . Wade 's farm to get to the side road that led to the 10th concession or Wingham , whichever we wished to go to . Hearing the strange call I was alarmed . I heard that a man named Swamp Willie lived alone near the swamp and sometimes got drunk and could not find his way home and became lost in the woods . I was more afraid of a drunken man than I was of a bear , so I called Catherine and she came out with me to listen to the unusual sound . As we listened , we heard it again and Catherine laughed and said " That is only the hoot of an owl " . She had often heard owls but I had never heard one before so , with fears dispelled , we returned to our house and to bed . Not long after my husband came home . He had driven with the pony as far as Mr . Wade 's bush and left the wagon there , as it was difficult droving among the trees in the dark , and had proceeded to the house on horseback . He said he was just passing a large tree when the owl hooted but the laugh was on me for being scared of an owl . The road was too long and the snow too deep for Mary to go to school in the winter but George used to ride Jenny to the side road where the trail was well beaten , and throwing the bridle over Jenny 's neck he would start her home and she always came back to the stable . After awhile the snow became too deep even for Jenny and so his father made George some skis or , as he called them Norwegian snowshoes , and he would travel on them to the side road and hid them in some convenient place while he went on to school . With the aid of these he continued to attend school during the winter . On there were many pleasant hours and sunny days on the farm and some anxious , trying ones too . One time , when George was going to school , our calves had strayed away and I told him when returning from school , he might look out for the calves and perhaps he could find them . A storm came up some time after school and George did not get home . I could see the trees bend and fall in the woods through which he would have to pass and the rain was falling heavily . After a time the rain ceased and the sun began to shine and I started out to look for him . Many trees were uprooted by the storm and near the side road I found his little dinner basket and I feared he was under a fallen tree . While looking anxiously , Mr . Fyfe came along the side road and asked me what I was looking for . I told him and he joined in the search too . But soon I saw my boy coming down the road safe and sound . He had gone down the road toward Wingham in search of the calves , tossing his dinner basket into the edge of the woods where he could find it one his return . When nearing a neighbour 's the storm came and they called him to come in and wait until the rain had ceased and so it was with a glad heart I welcomed him . The front of the farm was a cedar swamp and a road had to be cut through the swamp and made passable for vehicles to give us an outlet to the gravel road that led to Wingham and Teeswater . The road did not though our farm as it had been built by a man who had found it more convenient to build it through his own farmland than to follow the concession lines or road allowance laid out by the government . My husband sold the cedar on the width of our road to Mr . Taylor for posts . The brush was piled in the roadway to make a foundation for a road which , when properly covered would give us a good road from our place to the main road . |
There are only so many things that you can do in the hospital to occupy yourself , especially when you are in there for months . I had to get creative and make it as pleasant of an experience as I possibly could . I was only eighteen and had never been away from home for that long before . I brought my own pillows , my comforter , my stuffed animals and always wore my own clothes . No hospital gowns for me , never , unless they made me wear one for any tests . The more normal I looked and having my own belongings around me , the more normal I felt . I had a lot of visitors and was pretty spoiled with presents . I had loved Elephants before my diagnosis , but this was when my collection really started to grow . I was given all different kinds of them , from stuffed animals to boxer shorts with pink elephants on them . My family members came by pretty much everyday , if not one then another . My Dad would bring his lunch up to the hospital and spend time with me . That was my favorite time of the day ; when he came . One lunch hour he came by and brought me an Elephant . He apologized , said they were running out of ones to buy in the Gift Shop and handed me a little plush Elephant baby rattle . It was very adorable and meant the world to me . I still have her . My Dad and I hadn 't always gotten along very well before Crohn 's entered our lives . Bad experiences or situations can sometimes bring some really good ones along with them . We became closer because of my diagnosis and the time we spent together after it . I am strangely grateful to my disease for some things , and our relationship improvement is one that I am truly grateful for . My older sister has been like a second Mom to me for a huge part of my life . We aren 't even a year apart and were treated like twins growing up , dressed alike , the same presents but in different colours , stuff like that . She would come and stay at the hospital even if I was asleep . She always has a book in her purse so she would just sit there and read until I woke up . My Mom was there a lot of the time too and we have had some very humorous situations occur during my hospital stays . I can imagine my diagnosis put stress on my family members . When I went home from the hospital someone always had to be there for me to help me do things , I became very dependent on them . They were very good to me and I love and appreciate them so much for it . Sometimes I would get so bored there in the hospital though . I would flip the mirror in my table up and stare at myself trying to see if I looked like a Crohn 's patient , not that I knew what one looked like , but if I looked any different . I didn 't , but one time while I was investigating the circles under my eyes I lifted an eyebrow and a new pastime began . I could lift my left eyebrow without moving any other part of my face , but not the right . I would sit there for hours sometimes , practicing until I mastered it . When I left there I was able to wiggle my ears , flare my nostrils , move my baby toes without the others moving and many other meaningless but triumphant skills . Since I was the youngest on my floor the nurses would come and hang out with me when they had time . But they were also very busy with the geriatrics on my floor , so I decided to give them a hand . I would change my own bed linens , get my own extra blankets , just try to lighten their load a bit . I was in a semi - private room and had many roommates pass through during those months . Some were very elderly so I became their little " helper " . With many not being able to eat on their own , even though I was starving to death and the smell of the food would sometimes make me want to run screaming from the building like a crazy person , I would help feed them . If they got new flowers I would put them in vases or water the ones they already had , but not too often did I mess with other peoples plants , because as my Mom and sister could tell you I would kill most of mine . When a nice plant came for me it usually went home with one of them . It 's funny though , because now I really love gardening . Roommates can either be a good thing or a bad thing , it all depends on you and the other person . Sometimes I was so hungry that nothing could put me in a good mood , except for the food I was cruelly being deprived of ( LOL ) so I wasn 't always the merriest one on my floor . But when I wasn 't starving I think I was a pretty pleasant roomy . For a young persons first stay in the hospital , the geriatric floor isn 't the one I would suggest . Especially if their visit was going to be as long as mine was . It 's not because of the people themselves , they were all so nice and I had some long wonderful talks with some of my roommates , and learned quite a bit . Some of them told me what the city I lived in was like when they were young . I had two of them pass away while I was in the room , and that was very hard on me . After the second one that died , I guess the administrators didn 't want me to deal with that again because they took the other bed out of the room , and I had it all to myself for the rest of my stay . Annie was one of those that passed away . Her breathing was very loud and laboured while she slept . For the first couple of nights I thought I would have to sleep in the hall or ask for stronger sleep medication . But eventually the sound would lull me to sleep . I had gotten so used to it that the night she passed away I awoke because her breathing had stopped . My Mom knew her time was near because Annie didn 't talk , and then all of the sudden she started to talk to her Mom , she wanted to know where she was . It was very sad when she died but I knew she had gone to a better place . I had some really incredible roomies like Rita , she was maybe sixty or so , and was there for a hip replacement . Her friends would come to see her with various samples of make - up , body washes and powder , they were so nice they always brought some for me too . They joked that we smelled better than anyone in the hospital . I was in a lot of pain at the time and so was she from her surgery . When we watched t . v . we would lay on our sides facing each other and would watch the others television . One night her husband came up to visit and had to rescue us from ourselves . We were flicking through the channels and ended up on " America 's Funniest Home Videos " . When we would find something we wanted to watch we would put both t . v . 's on the same channel and push them closer to the other person , out of our reach . We watched for about ten minutes when a video of this little one or so year old little boy came on . He was sitting and spinning himself around on a lazy susan , then when he tried to stand up and take a step , he would fall down . The look of surprise on his little face was priceless ! For some reason we thought it was so hilarious that we couldn 't stop laughing . It really hurt both of us to laugh , but they showed the video two or three times and between the non - stop body giggles and the pain , we were laughing and crying at the same time with the t . v . 's out of our reach . Her husband showed up just in the nick of time and turned the sets off for us . You had to be there , it was pretty funny . : ) I had friends that came by to play fish , hearts or crazy eights . Some would just take me outside for a breath of fresh air . I also took calls from the Engineering Firm I worked at letting people how to do my job . My Nana volunteered downstairs in the hospital selling coffee , baked goods and Nevada tickets with her Church Auxiliary group so it was really nice having her around , and the free Nevada tickets wasn 't a bad benefit either . My cousin was working there as a Respiratory Therapist and family friends also worked there , so someone was always dropping in to see how I was doing . Financially , being in the hospital here in Canada isn 't expensive , everything is free EXCEPT for your television ! Which sucks because without TV you could go insane in a hospital . However , instead of presents some family and friends would give me money for it , which I thought was AWESOME ! Most people knew not to come see me between 1pm and 2pm because " Days of our Lives " was on . When I was a kid I would sometimes catch " General Hospital " when I got home from school if my Mom had it on , and I hadn 't watched it in years , but during that stay I became a full - blown soap opera freak . Keeping in mind that my diagnosis was way back in 1989 , there weren 't the same treatments that there are today . There were only a few options to help heal the damage caused by the disease . Surgery to remove the damaged areas of bowel was a last ditch effort . Healing the damage using the medications available at the time was the first choice . I was put on Salofalk , which is a 5 - ASA drug used for combating the inflammation in the bowel . I took it in pill form , eight a day , and also in liquid suppositories at bedtime . Usually suppositories are used to clean out the bowel , so you have the urge to go quite badly . When this feeling occurs you usually can give into it , but with these suppositories , to get the healing effect you can 't give in , you have to hold it in . It was very uncomfortable and an experience I had to go through every night for six months . Imuran was another medication that I was given daily . It is an immunosuppressive agent used to suppress the bodies immune system . Crohn 's Disease is a disease of the immune system attacking the digestive tract , so this medication stopped the immune system from attacking my bowel causing more damage . It was effective but opens you up to catching any bug that is around because you can 't fight them off . Prednisone was the worst medication that I had to take . It is a corticosteroid and is also helps with the inflammation caused by the disease , it is also an immunosuppressive . It had the worst side - effects of any medication that I have ever taken so far in my life . It improves your appetite , causes water retention which makes you appear like you have gained a lot of weight , makes you feel lightheaded , nervous or agitated , sweaty and flushed , you can have skin problems from it and a " moon face " . This is when your face becomes almost completely round . It makes your face puffy - looking as if you had just come from the dentist from having your wisdom teeth removed . I also had hallucinations . Those and the anxiety were the worst . I was also put on a couple of antibiotics but the worst one was Flagyl . It is used specifically for abdominal infections . It caused " Thrush " which is a yeast infection in the mouth . After the many long months of being in the hospital when I was finally able to go home , my sister and her husband were going to take me to the cottage to be with my family for a couple of weeks , My mouth and tongue had been hurting and very sensitive for a couple of days but when I woke up that morning it was so much worse . I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and looked at my tongue . It , my gums and the inside of my cheeks were completely black ! I flipped right out and called my Gastro to find out what the heck was going on . His secretary told me he wanted me to come in as soon as I could , so I dressed and packed in a hurry , called my sister to come and get me early and headed to his office . When I got there I opened my mouth , stuck out my tongue and asked him " What now ? , what is this ? " . Of course he smiled at me like he always did , and told me it was thrush , a yeast infection . He wrote me out a prescription , and as usual I asked him what it tasted like . He laughed and said he didn 't know , and that where this medication usually goes there aren 't any taste buds . That last part went right over my head and I didn 't understand what he was talking about until the script was filled and I was in the car on the way to the cottage . I opened the bag that it was in , read the package and then it hit me . The script was for vaginal suppositories for vaginal yeast infections and the directions on the box said that I had to suck on them like lozenges . YUCK ! When we got to the cottage and my family found out that I had to suck on vaginal yeast infection suppositories , they laughed whenever I had to take a dose . Now there is a liquid medication for this problem called Nystatin . Believe me , it tastes much better . : ) The first night in the hospital was really lonely . I was in a semi - private room , but by myself . The nurses were really great and knew that I was nervous about being there without knowing exactly what was going on with my body , so they would stop in and chat with me when they had the time . I was on the Geriatric Ward , the only one with an available room at the time , and I was the youngest patient on my floor . When my Gastro came by that day he explained what was going to happen during my Colonoscopy , and I was relieved when drugs were mentioned . The pain I was already in was bad enough , let alone having a scope scratching along on the inside of my intestines . The lucky part for me though , was that since I already had the feeding tube in my nose they would be able to put the prep through the tube . At the time I didn 't realize how really lucky I was until the first time I had to drink one myself , Yuck ! I felt really bad for my family and friends that came up to visit me that night because I spent most of my time in the bathroom , while they sat around in my room waiting for me . I would just get back into bed , and have to get back up and go back to the bathroom . I had a little table in there with me so that I could do crosswords or read if I wanted to , it passed the time . The next morning I met my hero in the Colonoscopy Suite . I was so nervous . A small part of me thought and feared that nothing would be found , that I really had nothing wrong with me and that I would be sent across the street to the Mental Health Hospital . These were worries from not being believed for so long , and being told I was just making it all up still affecting me . When I find out that I would be awake for the test , I tried to get off of the gurney , but I was attached to it by my i . v . bag . It was explained to me that the medication they would be giving me would act as an amnesiac and that I would be aware of what was going on , but I wouldn 't remember any of it . I was completely alright with never remembering an embarrassing experience like that , so I relaxed and let him give me the meds . I actually thought that I was sleeping , until I felt the pain . I told him that it really hurt , but fell back to sleep so he must have given me more . It is necessary to be awake during this test as you need to roll around on the table when asked , this makes the scope easier to move around the corners of the colon . I woke up in Recovery , and was brought back to my room to sleep . When I woke up it was after noon , and my Hero came into my room with my results . He said that I definitely had Crohn 's Disease , he didn 't need to wait for the biopsies to come back . It was really quite a bad case , and that I would need a lot of bowel rest , medications and time in the hospital . Surgery was an option , but there was so much damage that trying to heal the bowel first was the best idea . The damage started at the Cecum , which is a large pouch where the small intestine feeds into the colon , and spread in both directions into the small and large bowels . Recovery would be a slow process , but things could only improve . If I had not seen him or had the test and treatment when I did , perforations of the bowel and blood poisoning could have killed me . I believe he really did save my life . Nurses were coming at me from all directions , asking questions , taking my vitals and then came the i . v . . I was so afraid of needles that in public school I had to be held down on the floor in the nurse 's room just to be given a shot . That was years before but the fear never went away . I felt so stupid having to hold my mom 's hand through it , but that was the only way they were going to get that needle in me . It didn 't help that I was so dehydrated , so it took more than one try to get a keeper . To this day , after 24 years of dealing with this " Monster " I still freak out when the letters I and V are used too close together . My Gastro had ordered all of these things to be done to me before he could come up and check me out for himself . I had x - rays , an ultrasound and thought I saw every inch of the hospital that first day . When he arrived he looked kind of sad . He said I was really sick and that I was going to have to stay for a while for more tests . I looked at my overnight bag and knew I hadn 't packed enough . He still wasn 't sure what it was that was wrong , but was leaning really strongly towards " Crohn 's " . The colonoscopy that was moved up from two weeks away would diagnosis whatever it was . I started to try and tell him that I really didn 't need to be there , that I could just take some time off work and rest , and that I would eat my veggies , and even wheaties if that would help , if I could just go home . I still remember his face when I was rambling on like a terrified little kindergardener . He just smiled at me . It was a beautiful smile , but it pissed me off . He said I had to be fed through a tube in my nose because I was malnourished , and I was in the best place I could be . How could being fed through a tube or being in the hospital be the best place for me ? I even tried to tell him that I thought I was pretty sure I was all better , but he wouldn 't have any of it , just smiled that white smile , said he would be right back and left the room . The funny thing about the whole freaking out session that I had , was that I do remember calming down enough for a minute to comment to my mom on how good - looking he was . But hey ! I was still a girl . When he did come back he had gloves on , was followed by two nurses carrying a whole bunch of freaky - looking packages , and started unwrapping them . I saw a tube of lubricant and was wondering what that was for , when he started to rub some of it on this pink tubing . A nurse was trying to put a straw in my mouth from a glass of water which distracted me long enough for him to get the tube near my nose . I looked him straight in the eyes and asked if it was going to hurt . Of course he said no , it just might be a bit uncomfortable for a minute . I drank the water as he pushed it into my nose and down my throat into my stomach . The look on my mom 's face told me I was lucky I wasn 't watching . I gagged a few times , but he just kept on smiling . Finally it was taped in place , I was hooked up to my pump and my first meal was being served . It was near the end of June in 1989 , I was at work feeling better than I had in years . Just knowing that I was going to have a colonoscopy in two weeks , was going to find out what had been going on in my " gut " and that my new Gastro . believed me , had an incredible effect on my spirit and body . There were two more destinations that I had to get to before I could get back and call . I was so curious about why he had called , I ended up distracted and missed roads I was to go down , and buildings I was supposed to stop at . Because of the fact that everyone thought my problems were psychosomatic , my mind started to play tricks on me , and I imagined calling his office only to find that he talked to my family doctor , who told him that I was crazy , so he had decided after thinking about it he wasn 't going to take on my case . By the time I returned to work I was so worked up and believed that was going to happen , that I was afraid to call him back . Thinking that I was going to be in pain for the rest of my life , and that no one would ever believe me , I sat in the bathroom for a half an hour and cried My immediate boss Leanne found me in there and told me to just call , that it could be important . So I went into my office , shut and locked the door , sat down at my desk and shakily dialed his office 's number . When I told the receptionist who was calling , she got him right on the line . He told me that he got my blood test results back that morning , that they were really messed up and that he couldn 't believe that I was actually at work , walking around and functioning properly . He told me to get home , pack a bag and head up to the hospital to be admitted . I was in shock . I cleaned up the mascara and tears that had stained my face , and went into the big bosses office , to tell him what was going on , that I had to leave , and that I didn 't know when I would be back . I found my friend Richard at his drafting table and asked him if he could give me a ride home . When I got there my Dad was just coming home , and I told my parents what was going on , and asked if one of them could take me to the hospital . I stood there as they argued amongst themselves about who had more important things to do , and which one was going to be able to take me . Again , still , I wasn 't important . I went to my room and packed . I had been taking the " Digest " pills that the Iridologist had given me for about a month , and I was getting worse not better . After consulting my Mom and my other practitioners they all told me the same thing . They said that I could possibly be having a " Healing Crisis " . That is when during the healing process , your symptoms get worse , when the body is getting rid of all of the toxins that have been stored up . When this process is over you generally will improve . But my " Gut Instincts " were working over time again , I had a feeling that there wouldn 't be any improvement or healing from this . I thought that the ingredients in the pills were just feeding my " Monster " and that he was getting stronger . I missed more work in that one month than I had in the four years I had been working at that job . I gave it more time like they suggested , but felt it wouldn 't matter how much time I waited , I felt so sick , and I only weighed eighty - five pounds , I thought I was going to die . My Dr . and Mom were concerned as well , and he finally called to make me an appointment with a Gastroenterologist . I couldn 't wait to go . The two weeks dragged by , but the day finally came . My Mom brought me to the appointment . The minute I saw him I knew he would be able to help me , being incredibly good looking didn 't hurt either ! He asked me a lot of questions about my symptoms , my pain , medications I was taking , and my diet . He threw out the antacid pills that my family doctor 's partner gave me and said they were useless . I was then examined . He felt the glands on my neck , and when he pushed on the lower left side of my abdomen I almost jumped off the table it hurt so much . We all went into his office to talk . He said he thought that I could have Crohn 's Disease or Colon Cancer . I said " I 'll take that crone thing " meaning that I really didn 't want to have Cancer . What he said to me next frightened me . He said that many of his Crohn 's patients commonly wish that it was terminal because they really suffer a lot , it 's painful and there is no cure . Before he finished his sentence , I stood up and said " Wow , I feel so much better all of the sudden , so maybe I 'm okay now " . I looked at my Mom and sat right back down , joking around like that is just a defence mechanism for me or else when I 'm nervous or afraid I would end up crying . His secretary scheduled me for a Colonoscopy ( he didn 't really get into what that was all about ) and on the way home we stopped to have all of my blood tests done . The visits with an Iridologist back when I was 19 years old , before my Crohn 's diagnosis and the recommendations given were the beginning of the end of my quest for answers . Going this route was the best thing that could have happened at that time . Every aspect of my life had been infected by this " Monster " and I was at an all time low , but about to hear something that no one else had said to me that would give me the confidence to keep fighting it . This specialist agreed with my intuition that these mysterious and miserable symptoms were related to my Digestive Tract . Having someone tell me that they believed my " Gut Instincts " meant more than you could possibly imagine . She didn 't think that I was a nutso attention seeker or anything else , she knew that there was a " Monster " . She was on my side . She did what I wanted my Doctor , family and friends to do . She looked at me , really looked , but more importantly she listened to me and wanted to help . If you looked at me back then you probably would have thought I was anorexic like some people did , or that I was very ill . I was five feet , five inches tall and weighed under one hundred pounds . I was under eighty pounds when I was diagnosed . I was trying to do all of the right things for better health , I was eating all of the right foods . But eating was very unpleasant experience . Food tasted great but minutes later I would be doubled over in pain , and it passed through me so fast that it wouldn 't be in my body long enough to absorb any nutrients . From my visits with the iridologist I would find out that all of the so - called good food I was injesting wasn 't doing me any good at all and was just irritating my bowels more than anything else . I was so ready for answers and ready to stop faking how I felt . I was going to work everyday even though I had no energy and the pain was inscruciating , but I didn 't want anyone to think that I was slacking off . I tried to do everything all of my friends were doing , I didn 't want to be left behind . I had learned a long time ago when all Posted by After I was released from the hospital for the blood infection , I was more concerned about my health than ever . My " Monster " was causing so much chaos in my body , yet it was being very sneaky and playing " Hide - and - Seek " with the Doctors . I was determined to find out what was wrong with me , so determined that I would have tried anything , and I almost did . I was 19 at the time , and all I wanted was to be normal like everyone else . I had been meditating on my pain for years now , sitting quietly on my bedroom floor , closing my eyes and trying to locate where the pain was . After some practice , I could see my body in my mind 's eye and the painful areas would light up , almost glow . I knew that more than one area hurt . After the laparoscope was done a year before , the pelvic pain was completely gone . The endometriosis was the source of it . But I still had to figure out what was causing the pain above my belly - button , in my lower back and abdomen . One down , three to go . I couldn 't wait for my Doctor to believe me . I had to search for the answers on my own . The pain was almost unbearable , yet I wasn 't given anything for it because " pain medication won 't help pain that is all in your head " . I took out books from the library and tried to teach myself Biofeedback techniques to try to desensitise myself to the pain , but I found it almost impossible to do . I decided to look into some unconventional healing methods . I was one hundred percent sure that my digestive tract was the source of most of my problems due to the pain being worse after eating , and having everything that I did eat go right through me . I was desperate and under ninety pounds . If I could have somehow found a way to help my symptoms I would have been so incredibly happy . I started with buying some Healing Crystals and a book about them . Supposedly if you put the right type of crystal on the proper place , the power of them can heal what ails you . Every night for months , I would lay on my bed with the crystals all over my body , listening to a Relaxation CD of the souPosted by Personalize your own scrapbook designAdorable , isn 't she ? Thirteen years ago I wanted to adopt a pet . My bunny had passed away about two years before , and I missed having a little one around . My boyfriend at the time suggested a cat but I wasn 't sure about it . My family had pets while I was growing up , but never a cat . I remembered my Dad said that cats scratch up your furniture and that they aren 't as affectionate as dogs , but I thought why not give a cat a try ? I lived on the top floor of an apartment building and I didn 't think it was big enough for a dog , so a cat it was ! There was a family in Waterloo that had kittens that needed homes , so my boyfriend and I made an appointment and headed over there . I sat down on the carpet watching these little black kittens playing and my heart melted . They were so adorable and the noises they made were so sweet . One waddled over and sat infront of me and just stared , and then she fell over , lol . She was mine ! We put her in the basket that I brought and couldn 't wait to get her home ! She needed some supplies so we stopped at a pet store . I 'm not one of those people that like to dress up their pets . I don 't know why , but things like that have never appealed to me . I do however like collars , and Mica has quite a few , I have even made some of themcrocheted and braided some of them for her . In the early days of our relationship I knew that it was made in heaven . Whenever I would lay down she would lay on my chest and it seemed like she was trying to put her little arms around my neck . She would nuzzle me with her tiny nose . She still does it but now she can get her arms all the way around my neck . She followed me everywhere , taking the garbage down the hall , from room to room and even into the bathroom . Once in there she would try to get up on my lap , but she was too small so I would pick her up and put her there . Having Crohn 's I can spend a lot of time in the bathroom . As she got bigger she would just jump up on her own . She is so smart too , whenever I touch the toilet paper sPosted by Since the Endometriosis diagnosis only seemed to help my pelvic pain , not the back or abdominal pain that I was experiencing , I knew that it wasn 't the " Monster " , and I would have to keep on searching for answers . I was getting pretty upset and angry that my doctor , friends and family thought I should be cured since the lapro surgery . My boyfriend at the time called me " a drag " when I didn 't feel well enough to go out with friends . One night I was feeling so well that we went with friends to a patio for a couple of drinks . I found out that beer really made my stomach worse , so I drank Rye most of the time . My doctor wouldn 't give me medication for the pain , because he didn 't think anything was wrong , so sometimes when the pain would get really bad I would drink just to dull it . That night it was really warm out and I was wearing a tank top . All of the sudden I felt really cold and then my teeth started to chatter . My boyfriend 's parents were away for the weekend and I was planning on staying at his house . We were going to have some friends over for dinner the next night , and I wanted to feel well enough to do it , so I asked him if we could go home , because feeling chilled like I was I thought that I might be getting a cold . When we got to his house , he made me a hot cup of tea and I got into bed . I fell asleep , and when I woke up it was 2 : 30 in the morning . I had to use the washroom so I got out of bed , but fell onto the carpet . I didn 't have enough energy or strength to hold up my own body . His bedroom was in the basement , and he and his sister were listening to music quite loud upstairs . I tried to yell , but it came out like a whisper . I didn 't know what was wrong and I didn 't know what to do . I looked around and found one of his rugby cleats , and threw it up at the door . I landed only a few feet away from me . Then I grabbed a baseball and tried again . It hit the door and rolled back to me . I kept on doing this until I heard the volume of the music turn down , and threw it again . I heard his footsteps so I knew thaPosted by I have a friend that really inspires me , and I have never met her face to face . That is one of the things that I really enjoy about Twitter , being able to meet people from all over the world that you would never have been able to meet in any other way . I have a lot of Twitter friends that are incredible people , but she is different . We all have our crosses to bear , those things in our lives that we feel we have to deal with and overcome . Whether it is a dysfunctional family upbringing , a traumatic event , a mental or physical illness etc . These issues can be very hard to get past . My friend has Cancer , and she is my Champion . She doesn 't feel sorry for herself , or sit around feeling defeated , she has fought it the whole way with surgery and treatments . Even when her body is weakened from her treatments she still thinks of other people and their needs . If you were to read her tweets you wouldn 't even know that she is sick . She is a truckers advocate , is passionate about the plight of the soldiers fighting for our freedoms , and has an amazing sense of humour . I want to be more like her . I write this blog and am writing my book to try to help other people with Crohn 's Disease , their friends and family members , and to spread awareness of the disease . But I could , and should be doing so much more . Some Cancers , especially if not caught in time or the ones that are treatment resistant , can be terminal . My disease isn 't , there is not any real chance that I could die . So like her I should live everyday to it 's fullest ! I need to be doing more to make the world a better place to live like she does , find more things to be passionate about like she is , and do more with my life , and take better care of myself . She has experienced the love of a good pet , a great man , and the love of The Lord . So many people love her , she is an amazing person that has touched so many peoples lives . She is strong and brave and has taken her Cancer by the horns . I pray everyday that she wins her battle because this world is a better place with her in itPosted by With everyone around me thinking that I was making up my symptoms , or starving myself to death , I started to wonder if I was crazy too . I mean wouldn 't you ? Every test that I had came back negative , I was eating healthy foods and exercising to try to take care of myself . I wasn 't complaining about it all any more , because what was the point , no one believed me anyway . But I must have just been imagining the pain that made me double over or feel like I was going to pass out , and the hours that I would sit and spend in the bathroom with unrelenting diarrhea , having anything that I ate go right through me in seconds . I was so frustrated ! I would pray to be healed and barter with God how I would never do anything wrong ever again if he would just take my pain away , but that night it would make it very hard to fall asleep , and the next morning it would wake me up even before my alarm would go off . Looking back now I am really kind of surprised that I never blamed God for any of it . I was never angry with Him , I never gave up my faith because he wouldn 't answer my prayers . I found my faith actually getting stronger the sicker that I was getting . I knew in my heart that there was something terribly wrong , and if I was going to die from whatever mystery illness that I had , I knew that it was all apart of His plan for me . Many of the women on my Mom 's side of the family had endometriosis , with some of them having to have hysterectomies , that came up at one of my doctors appointments . Endometriosis is when the cells from the endometrial lining of the uterus start to grow on the outside of it . I like to use the analogy of a jelly - filled doughnut . The jelly gets out of the middle of the doughnut and spreads all over the other doughnuts in the box , like the crullers or bear - claws . These cells start growing ( they don 't know why ) on the uterus , fallopian tubes , bladder or ovaries . Since there was a pretty good chance that I could have inherited it , my doctor referred me to a Gynecologist . I had no idea how that could have had anytPosted by I didn 't end up having my colonoscopy on friday . I drank half of my prep like I was supposed to , and had every intention of getting up early the next morning to drink the other half . But sometimes things have a tendancy of not working out the way we want them to . I could feel the familiar rumbling in my belly , but I also felt a nagging nausea and that made me nervous . After downing that horrible stuff , eight ounces every ten minutes for two hours , the last thing that I wanted was to feel like it was going to come back up . I 'm sure that I 'm not the only Crohn 's patient that has certain traditions that they keep for the day and night before a colonoscopy . I always set up the bathroom with things to keep me occupied like books , games and my Journal . I was writing an entry when I started to feel horrible abdominal pain and a migraine coming on . It kept getting worse , and worse so at first when I threw up I was happy because the pressure in my head subsided . But then I realized what was going on and I was not a happy camper at all . I have had over ten surgeries so I have a lot of scar tissue , adhesions as they are called . Every time that I get cut open my scar keloids , this is when it becomes wider and thicker than normal . Inside my abdomen the scar tissue attaches itself all over the bowel , other organs and to the peritoneum , the lining of the abdominal cavity . These adhesions have caused bowel obstructions before and I knew that was what was happening again . The scar tissue is sticky so it makes the bowel stick to itself , or it wraps around the bowel cutting off the passageway , and potentially the circulation . This is one of the complications of having surgery . I have had to have emergency surgery for this before because the circulation was cut off . If the blood can 't flow through the bowel , it will die and eventually cause gangrine , which causes blood poisoning that could lead to death . I knew that it was only a partial obstruction due to the fact that things were moving out of both ends . If I was only vomiting I wPosted by As Crohn 's patients , we go through a lot . Good , bad and indifferent . Spending days , weeks and even months at a time in the hospital teaches us patience , that 's a good thing . Being thankful for good days , and making the most of them , empathizing with others that suffer , and learning to listen to our own bodies are also all very good . But the Colonoscopy , that falls under the bad category . It 's not the test itself , that 's a breeze . The humiliation of having a tube inserted into your butt in front of a doctor and nurses , is greatly reduced by the medications that are given by i . v . , weakening our defences and cares . Most of the time , thankfully , we don 't remember much of it at all . The pain experienced during the test , thanks again to the medications , becomes part of a very distant memory . The inhabition that the medication can create has been comical to some present in the past for me . When I was diagnosed , I was very blessed to have an extremely good looking Gastro . that I had a secret crush on . My Mom and friends knew about how I felt , but I certainly didn 't want him to find out . Under the influence of these medications during a Colonoscopy , I guess I changed my mind and told him that I was in love with him ! When I woke up in Recovery the nurses told me about it and I was mortified ! Then he came into the room and neither of us would look eachother in the eye . It was so embarassing ! He was my doctor for close to 20 years , and I said stuff like that everytime . He was such a good sport about it and never mentioned any of it to me , but the nurses rubbed it in any chance they got ! LOL ! Now for the worst part , the prep . Drinking litres of a salty based , slightly thick , clear liquid , that DOES NOT taste better cold , like they tell us it does , within a small , set period of time ( . . . oh , it is just the worst tasting stuff created by man ! ) is such a horrible experience for me , that I actually have small panic attacks in the days leading up to having to drink it . In the past when I have been in the hospital having tube feedings , thPosted by As you can tell from my first 2 posts , this blog centers around my life with Crohn 's Disease . It has been a long , strange trip so far , and want to share it with you . I am writing a book about my life , and experiences over the last 20 years or so , but I am also using this medium to try to raise awareness about this disease . When I was diagnosed I didn 't have the internet , and only had my doctor and brochures to read to learn anything about it . I didn 't even know anyone else with it . But now all you have to do is " Google " Crohn 's Disease , and a wealth of information is at your fingertips . Not only that , but you can find and join support groups on line that can be so helpful . This is my way to give back , and to hopefully help someone else like me , who has maybe found themselves feeling alone , and misunderstood . Or maybe someone that has a friend or family member with Crohn 's , and you want to learn more about what they feel or are going through . It has not always been easy , but as I have stated above , there have always been learning experiences . So be my new friend , and I promise you will learn something new ! For those of you that don 't know , IBD stands for Inflammatory Bowel Disease or Disorder . These include Crohn 's , Colitis , Diverticulitis , Irritable Bowel Disorder and others . They are all diseases that deal with the digestive tract causing a range of symptoms , from mild to severe . The main symptoms in common are nausea , vomiting , inflammation and abdominal pain . I think it 's great that these diseases have finally come out of the bathroom and into the light . Twenty years ago when I was diagnosed with Crohn 's Disease , I had never even heard the word before . Many people back then and for years before , suffered in silence , embarrassed to speak to their doctors , or anyone for that matter , about their washroom habits . It was only when the disease progressed to require hospitalization or surgery that it was spoken of , and a diagnosis made . We 've come a long way baby ! Today there are tests such as colonoscopies , blood tests , barium tests , X - rays , MRI 's and CAT scans that are done when symptoms arise . There are new treatments that work better , with less negative side effects . There are also associations like the Crohn 's and Colitis Foundations of Canada ( CCFC ) , America ( CCFA ) and other countries around the world that help patients everyday . These foundations and their members put on campaigns such as " The Heel - And - Wheel - Athon " and " The Annual M & M Meats BBQ " , to help raise awareness and funds for research to find cures . Patients can also get involved with the support groups foundations offer , to find and connect with others that cope with the same things , and have the same challenges in common . Groups are so important and positive , in that patients can get together , and know that they are not alone . Having a " World IBD Week " denotes the strides in awareness that have been made , and the internet has proven to be a major push in the right direction for this movement . Information about all of these diseases are at anyone 's fingertips , with the click of a mouse . Social media sites such as Twitter , Facebook , MySpace and others all havPosted by Back to " Gut Instincts " : After getting nowhere with that doctor , my family decided to switch to a new family doctor , and I was ready for a real diagnosis . No jokes , just facts . I just wanted to be , and feel normal again . I was losing weight rapidly , was nauseous all the time , had diarrhea multiple times a day , and the pain was getting worse . I was told to quit my dancing lessons and gymnastics by my old doctor . I wasn 't happy about it , but I just didn 't have the energy anymore . I was also having such bad joint pain that I was finding it all very difficult anyway . I left my first appointment with the new doctor , had some blood drawn and x - rays and was hoping that he would be the answer to my prayers . But he didn 't help either , he thought that I was a hypochondriac , or that my symptoms were just psychosomatic . And because he was an M . D . and didn 't think anything was wrong with me , my friends and family decided that he was probably right . That didn 't sit very well with me , they treated me like I was crazy and just making it all up . High School was ending , and I was working two jobs . I was getting worse and kept going back to see the new doctor over and over again , but nothing changed . At one visit my doctor was away so I saw one of his partners instead . I thought maybe he would have some new ideas . Oh , he had ideas alright , he told me all I really needed was a good shrink ! and he gave me a script for some antacid . Really helpful , not . When my doctor got back , I went to see him again , and told him that I really believed that there was something inside of me that wasn 't supposed to be there . I told him that I wanted to go and get an Anatomy book , cut myself open , and remove the object of my pain . He looked at me like I was nuts and just sent me for more blood tests which came back negative for everything . Because of my weight loss , anorexia was brought up . I knew that wasn 't the problem . I swore up and down that I wanted to eat , was hungry , but it just hurt too much every time I ingested anything . I started smoking pot to hePosted by Have you ever felt or knew that something was wrong with you , but you just couldn 't put your finger on what it was ? That started to happen to me when I was grade 10 . I was a relatively healthy person until then , I was active in gymnastics , dancing lessons , school sports and theatre . But one morning I got up early for a gymnastics practice at school and skipped breakfast . I was starving during my second period class so I ate an orange , and by third period I was in the nurse 's room with the worst abdominal pain I had ever had . She told me it was because I ate the orange on an empty stomach , but who doesn 't eat fruit for breakfast ? It didn 't make sense to me . The pain never went away from that day on , and I was a frequent visitor at my family doctors office . He thought the pain was ovulation . Everyday ? I didn 't think so . I was also experiencing joint pain that I had never had before , especially in my knees . Once when I went back and complained about it , he told me it was from tap dancing . I said " I have been tap dancing for years and never had this problem before " , he said " Tap dancing can be very , very dangerous you know , you could fall into the sink ! " . Funny , but not the help I was looking for . I just kept getting sicker and sicker , and every fiber of my being told me that there was something serious going on , but help wasn 't going to come from him . I love writing this blog and poetry . Some of my other interests include going to the Theatre , being in my garden , taking pictures , spending time outside , sewing and making crafts and jewellry . I have Crohn 's Disease and am writing a book about my life and experiences with it . |
The Plan Now that I had been granted my freedom we came up with a plan . I was not going back to live with my dad . He was going to give me my little brother and sister to raise . I know even typing this plan now it is obvious I didn 't have a clue what reality would be . I thought my dad would just give them to me . He would be free to do anything he wanted with the kids out of the house . It made perfect sense to me . Armed with my court document proving I was a legal adult I went and got an apartment . I had gotten two full time jobs . One was at a sub shop and one was just down the street , a Big Boys . All of my money went to the rent and utilities . I ate lunch at the sub shop and I ate dinner at the Big Boys . Both jobs were in the town over . I walked across a bridge to get to my jobs . I worked at the sub shop from 9 - 5 and walked down the street and worked till 1 or 2 in the morning at the restaurant . I walked back over that bridge in the middle of the night to get to my apartment . I was a hard worker . In the meantime I wrote my dad . I told him I had a place to live and a job to support my siblings and I wanted to come get them . What he sent back to me was a newspaper clipping , with no note . The newspaper clipping stated that he had officially disowned me . I was now dead to him . It stated I was taken out of the will and that I was to NOT be notified when he died . He had the notice published in the newspaper making it official , I was dead to him . At the time it hurt but I didn 't dwell on it , all I wanted was him to give me my siblings so they were safe . I had failed . My plan to move my siblings to higher ground was wiped out with a notice in the newspaper , not just a hometown newspaper but a big town paper . He would not be giving me what I felt was the right thing to do , to release my siblings from him . The grief I felt was enormous . I didn 't want my sibling to suffer anymore . They were now out of my reach . They were not allowed to talk to me or contact me in anyway . Why didn 't I go back ? In truth I thought about it . At the time I didn 't feel like it was an option since I was dead to him . I knew he would not let me back in . So I had gained my freedom but the freedom was hollow if I couldn 't get my siblings to safety . For years I felt a heavy burden for not getting them out . I had let them down . I was to be the protector and I could 't protect them anymore . I had failed . I would like to say that everything turned out well but the truth is never that neat and tidy . Tomorrow my little sister is going to share with you a part of her story . She is a huge blessing in my life . Please come join me tomorrow as you hear from her perspective , our story . The Letter This is my favorite picture of Robin during this time of our lives . She calls it her ugly phase but I think she was pretty darn cute . This picture brings back so many memories for me . We shared a room at the time this was taken . We would spend our time singing hymns , she was the soprano and I was the alto . I loved singing then just as much as I do now . This picture represents something else , an innocence . I was still her protector at the time , shielding her as much as I could . Not long after this was taken all that would be taken away . It started with a letter . Back in the day , there were no cell phones , no email , no internet , just snail mail . That is how we stayed connected back then . You had to be patient and wait . I was visiting my older sister in another state and I got a letter from Robin . In the letter she shared with me what was going on . With me gone to bear the brunt , our dad had turned on my little sister . He mocked her faith in God . Remember how I told you that he expected instant obedience and said things like , " if I tell you to jump , you ask how high " of course there was more to the rant but I will leave out the nasty part . He decided it would be amusing to make Robin swear . He knew she would never use swear words since she was a Christian so he thought it would be funny to make her swear . The anger rose up in me like no other . How dare he force my little sister to use words that she did not want to use . The power one man had over a young girl . He thought it was so stinking funny , I was enraged . Those that know me know that I HATE swearing , this is why . To me it represents an abuse of power . As a side note , none of my siblings swear to this day . We had enough of it growing up . When I read the letter from Robin it was obvious that she had been crying . She wanted to know if I would please hurry home , things were getting worse . My heart broke . I showed the letter to my big sister and we came up with a plan . We were going to rescue our little sister and brother and take them away from our dad . So what does any rational 16 and 19 year old do ? We went to the free legal aide society . We were armed with the letter and the stories and asked how we could get our siblings out of the home . The lawyer told us I would first have to become emancipated from our dad . The paperwork was drawn up and the court date set . We were going to take my dad to court so that I could get custody of my little brother and sister . It was a solid plan , or so I thought . There was nothing I wouldn 't do to get them out of there . My dad was served a summons to come to the state I was in and tell the judge why or why not I should be granted my freedom . My dad did not show up . When I went before the judge I told him why I thought he should let me become emancipated from my dad . I will never forget what the judge told me . He said , you will be a full adult now . All of your actions will be judged by the adult standards . You have to have a full time job and support yourself . You may not go on welfare , it is up to you to feed and house yourself . Are you willing to do that , he asked ? Of course I was . I had been pretty resourceful my whole life and I wasn 't about to stop now . The judge granted me full emancipation . I was free now , free to get my brother and sister away from that man . Well , at least that is what I thought . What happened next sealed my fate with my dad forever . I will tell that story tomorrow . The Straw That Broke the Camels Back I just love the above picture . It represents how I felt the day I decided enough was enough . See all those guard dogs in the picture ? Each one of those represented my dad . They all look menacing , like they are ready to pounce on that little duck . I was that little duck , wanting to high tail it out of that place called home in one piece . One of the men in my dad 's life was called " Howard " . He was obnoxious , rude and disrespectful . He thought he could tell me what to do after he came down the stairs in the morning with hickeys all over his neck . At the time I think I actually hated the man which is even hard to write . Hate is such a powerful word but at the time I really did hate him . He was part of the reason there was so much chaos and turmoil in our lives . In truth , he was just one of many men to come in and out , he just happened to stay the longest . At this point I was a junior in high school . I excelled at swimming and concert choir . I swam competitively for a while and then got into synchronized swimming , which became an outlet for me . Our high school had it 's own pool . Everyone had to take a swimming class at some point in their high school career . I loved hanging out at the pool . The instructor and her helper became a refuge for me . As I was learning all the cool tricks for water ballet I remember asking them to watch me over and over again as I was perfecting the moves . In our school the synchronized program was a really big deal . There would be a performance at the end of the year and it was stunning . If you have ever seen synchronized swimming it is beautiful . My older sister was the brainiac in the family . All the teachers I had knew my sister and she was a hard act to follow . She was in all the honors classes and really excelled . She was a pom - pom girl to boot . I tried out for the pom - pom team and blew the audition so bad it was embarrassing . Anyway , the swimming pool was my haven from the storm . My 16th birthday was coming up and I knew we would not be celebrating my birthday . Your 16th birthday should be a big deal , at least I thought so . My dad had informed me that we would not be celebrating my 16th birthday . The message once again was I had no value . I was not important . My older sister got a beautiful French provincial bedroom suite that was amazing . So why didn 't I even get acknowledged on my 16th ? This is the reason I grew to despise my birthday , even to this day it 's hard which I know sounds ridiculous but it is what it is . My swimming teacher became special to me . I had shared with her that my 16th birthday was coming up . She wanted to know what I was going to do . I told her that I didn 't get a birthday that year . Back then I had learned to not talk about my dad so I just brushed it off . I told her it wasn 't important . A lot was left unspoken . Somehow she must have figured out that I wasn 't really going to get a birthday cake that year and brought me in a tiny little cake . I have never forgotten that kindness . It reminds me that one person can make a difference in the life of a child . Something so simple as a little birthday cake that probably didn 't cost her much in money or time but it sent a message to me . I was not alone . With all that as a back drop , my older sister by this point had moved out of state to go to college . She invited me up to spend a couple of weeks during the summer with her . It was touch and go as to whether my dad would even allow me to go but he relented and off I went by Greyhound . What started out as a couple of week vacation turned into a life altering event . My little sister wrote me a letter that would forever change my life . The letter and what she said next time . The Fallout These are the last words that I shared the last time I wrote . May you find the strength to carry on when you feel all is lost . There are days when I still feel that all is lost . I used to brush those feelings aside and shove them deep down inside of me . When I sought help from a Christian therapist I came to realize that part of the fallout from my childhood was I didn 't have a voice . Over many months I came to realize that I didn 't have a voice . That was a giant revelation to me . The first time the therapist said those words to me I felt like I was kicked in the stomach . What brought me to the therapist was the death of this precious little baby . Though her death was a great tragedy that I will mourn for the rest of my life , the issue that would not allow me to move forward was allowing others to continue the abuse cycle in my life . The message I received from my dad was that I had no value . I was there to cook and clean , nothing more , nothing less . I had a job to do . None of us were allowed to question , we simply had to obey no matter what was at stake . This lack of voice did a lot of damage not only to myself , but my husband and to the children I would raise . How we are raised has a powerful effect on personhood . I remember a particular day that is seared into my memory . My dad was very angry which was nothing new . The teens from church had gone down to the projects of the city we lived in . There was a girl , whose name was Donna that we would pick up and bring to church . She had something wrong with her spine so she wore a huge halo and supporting rack that went from her neck down to her bottom . I was sitting in the back seat of the car and she got in and sat next to me . The windbreaker ( I don 't think they call them that anymore ) I was wearing was partly under my friend . When I got out of the car I realized there was blood all over my jacket . She had started her period and didn 't realize it . When I got home I went to the basement to wash it . For some reason that bloody jacket set my dad off . He started in on a rant like he usually did , but this time he said something that has stayed with me all these years later . I was about 14 at the time . Going to church when I was allowed , trying to live a life that would make my Heavenly Father pleased . I was not doing drugs , not drinking alcohol and certainly not having sex with anyone . He told me that like the girl in the projects I would never amount to anything . I might as well go be a prostitute because I wasn 't worth anything other than a prostitute . Out of all the things he said to me over the six years I lived with him , that was the knock out punch . Hey Jill , my daughter , go be a prostitute because there is nothing in life for you but a life on the streets hooking . It was then and there that I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would spend the rest of my life proving this evil man wrong . I would not chose to go live on the streets and sell my body . I would make choices that were just the opposite . I would find approval in the only one that really mattered and that was God . God had become my perfect heavenly Father . I spoke truth into my life that day . I also realized once again that my dad did not love me . What a painful thought even 45 years later . For whatever reason he did not love me . I was the hated one . What could I have possibly done to deserve the hatred of a man who helped physically create me in my mother 's womb ? For years this thought haunted me . It took me many years to realize that this was never about me , not really . It was about a man that was broken . Something happened in his life that caused him to physically and sexually abuse little children . Something in his past nurtured that evil side . I just happened to be one of dozens and dozens of children who were thrown into his path . My Brother Sorry for the delay . After writing day after day about my early years I needed a mental break . I had not realized just how exhausting it would be to tell my story ! Speaking of stories , we left off with the love I have for my siblings . My brother John and I have grown so close over the years . It didn 't happen all at once . He was the scared little boy who when he realized the house was on fire , panicked and went up into the attic and curled into a ball . He was the last one out of the fire because they couldn 't find him . My mind goes back to the early days of living with our dad . I think I have shared my brother took the brunt of the physical and sexual abuse . There is a trickle down effect that happens in families where there is that kind of abuse . When I look back and think about all the violence it makes me amazed that all four of us aren 't walking sideways ! My sisters and I used to think our brother would land in jail . We weren 't kidding . When a little boy is robbed of his childhood he becomes angry , angry at the abuser , angry at anyone close to him , angry at the authorities and probably angry with God . He got in trouble all the time . When I look back all these years later I feel terrible that I wasn 't able to stop the abuse . Recently John and I were having a conversation about my writings and he told me a story I had forgotten . On one particular day our dad was on a rampage . It might have been one of the dreaded Saturday 's . John had done something to enrage dad and he took a dinner plate and smashed it over his head . Well , he hit John with it so hard it broke . It didn 't shatter , the entire bottom of the plate broke out of the ring . For some reason Johnny ( as he was called ) started laughing because of the sight of the plate and how it broke . My dad became even more furious and started to strangle him . He continued to strangle him till Johnny passed out cold on the floor . That is the kind of violence I am talking about . Many times our dad would take Johnny 's head and smash it into the wall , over and over again . The things people do to their children are beyond me . Johnny did not do well in school . He was always in trouble . He was an angry little boy who had been deprived of a mother and left with a very violent and evil man for a dad . John said recently he was much better off in the orphanage and wished he had stayed there . I understand where he is coming from . The violence that my brother endured trickled down to my little sister . She bore the brunt of Johnny 's anger . All of this was a domino effect . Is it any wonder that my older sister and I decided that if our family was ever going to stay together the two of us had to come to peace so that we could help keep our younger siblings safe ? All four of us had a role to play . My older sister was the chosen one . She could go behind closed doors and stay above the fray . I was the Cinderella . I did all the cooking , the laundry etc . and was the despised daughter . My brother was the scape goat for my dad 's abuse and anger . My baby sister got the last kick of the can . What a mess we were back then . I will tell you that my brother never did go to jail . I drug him to church with me and at some point he bowed his knee and became a son of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords . In fact , he ended up marrying a saint of a young lady 35 years ago who straightened him out ! We have always joked that my sister in law gets in to heaven just on the merits of staying with our brother . It took many years for my brother to heal from the abuse . There are natural consequences to living that kind of life . He and his wife never did have children . He was so afraid he would turn out like our dad that he never wanted another human being to suffer like he did . Years later he shared his regret that he had not trusted in God enough to make him the kind of dad he knew he wanted to be . The irony now is that my bother works for a non - profit organization that helps find homes for troubled children . This organization also helps women get out of sex trafficking . In fact , when he interviewed for the job he was told because he had lived in an orphanage as a child he would understand what these children were going through and would be a great asset for the company . I am so proud of my brother . I always tell him he is my favorite brother , of course he is my only brother but he is still my favorite ! God did a mighty work in him , for that I am thankful . My brother is one of my best friends in the world . He is my hero . I am thankful beyond words that he walked through the fire and came out on the other side . I am excited to announce both my brother and my little sister Robin are in the process of writing for this blog . I can 't wait to read what they are putting down on paper . I am very blessed . Till tomorrow . May you find the strength to carry on when you feel all is lost . The Boat in the Storm The above picture reminds me of my siblings and my life when we lived with my dad . He was the storm and the rest of us were huddled at the bottom of the boat pleading for mercy . I will never forget the time my older sister and I came together . She and I butted heads when we lived with my dad . She was at the time considered the chosen one . She got her own bedroom at the back of the apartment and she was allowed to be in there with the door closed . She didn 't need to cook or clean . She was the oldest . She was kind and compassionate and would never dream of arguing with an adult . She had her own demons to wrestle with . Imagine being the rescuer of your family from a fire but not everyone got out . I think that is called survivors guilt . It was hard living with our dad and she was tucked away in that room safe and sound . To this day she has no clue why our dad picked her out to be free from abuse . I am so thankful she was spared . Saturdays was the day we dreaded most for those years with our dad . He decided we would clean the house from the top to bottom . He would yell , he would scream , he would swear , he would punch , and shove if the work was not done perfectly . For some reason I ended up being the duster . He would take his finger and inspect everything . If he found a speck of dust out would come the abuse . It was on one of these Saturday 's when my older sister and I went out into the backyard . It had been a very bad day . I can remember exactly where we were both standing and we made a pact that day . " If the family was going to stay together it would be up to her and I " I think we shook on it and never fought again . Even to this day we have never had words . Our family was at stake and we had to find a way to work together . I have a hard time understanding when adult siblings fuss . I am so blessed . We could have blamed each other and imploded but thankfully something inside of us made us realize we had to work together . Four of us came out of the fire . It is a great metaphor for our lives . The anchor holds in the storm . That is one of my favorite songs , the anchor holds . One by one we would each find God and make him Lord of our lives . Tomorrow I went to tell you about my brother , I even have a picture . : ) If you are struggling with your siblings , as much as it depends on you make peace . Life is way too short . The Confrontation I think I was a sophmore in high school at the time the confrontation occurred . My older sister was away at college . The abuse was getting worse and certainly more frequent . There was one man who became a constant companion of my dad 's . They would come down in the morning and I could see hickeys on their necks . This particular man 's name was Mr . Schwartz . He was a well to do Jewish man who was also a homosexual and pedophile . I will be honest , I hated the man . He would try and tell me what to do . I had one boss already and he was a monster . I fought him every way I could . I had zero respect for him or my dad . Their behavior was disgusting to me . The physical abuse and sexual abuse got worse . My little sister was in tears most of the time and I had had enough . I called my sister at college and said something has to change . It seemed once my sister was out of the house my dad felt bolder . It was decided she would come home and surprise him on the next weekend . The plan was to sit him down and call a spade a spade . Before we met with him , my sister and I had a meeting with the minister at the church I was going to . He helped us sort out what to say to him . Looking back it is interesting to evaluate the minister . As an adult he should have contacted the authorities , but in reality the authorities had also swept under the rug dozens of abuse victims earlier . He did the best he could at the time . We told our dad that Saturday morning we wanted to have a family meeting . We told our little sister and brother to go upstairs . At this point in our lives I did not know about the sexual abuse my brother was suffering , just the physical abuse . So the time came Saturday afternoon to have the meeting . My sister and I were so nervous but the well being of our little sister and brother were at stake so we set aside our fears and plowed in . My dad sat on the one piece of furniture that was salvaged from the fire , our mother 's rocker . It was ironic to me . He held a piece of paper in his hand and started writing as we laid out what was going on in our family . Tears started running down his face . My initial thought was he was truly sorry for the damage he caused and all this was going to be fixed . I took the tears as a sign of a new beginning . It wasn 't until we were done presenting our case that he stopped the rocking chair and handed us the piece of paper . On it he had written a poem of how much he missed his wife and how much he loved his children . He said to us , " how could you think I would do such awful things and walked out of the room . My heart sank , he would continue with the lie . He made it seem like we were crazy . Which brings me to the next piece of the portrait of an abusive family . 1 . The vicim is shamed , blamed and demeaned . In our case the poem my dad had written shared it was love that prompted him to rescue us from the orphanage . He sacrificed day and night to give us what we needed . He wasn 't an abuser . All of those things were lies . He blamed my sister and I . We both walked out of there thinking we were crazy . I remember thinking afterwards , my sister must think I am the wacko . In reality , we had the courage to speak the truth in love but it was twisted , distorted and we were blamed for thinking such ridiculous thoughts . I knew the truth . I knew that my dad appeared in public as a family man , kind , funny and attentive . In truth he was a power hungry abuser who hurt children . Years later we would find out just how devastating the toil was on not just our family but countless others that trusted him . A Portrait of an Abusive Family I see no evil , I hear no evil and I speak no evil . This picture is a great metaphor of an abusive family . There is a book called Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy that is excellent . It is about understanding and healing abuse . These words are powerful and I really want to share them . It has helped me to understand why I have done some of the things I have done in my life . First , living in an abusive family robs you of a voice . One of the biggest themes that has freed me from this burden is to realize that I do have a voice . See , when you are being abused by a family member you are robbed of having a voice . So lets look at the portrait of an abusive family . 1 . The needs of Family Members are expendable . In fact , the needs of the most vulnerable are not met at all because there is no consideration for them . 2 . The victim is made responsible . In abusive families , the victim is made responsible for solving needs , even evil deeds they didn 't create and could never legitimately satisfy . In my own family my job was to take care of the needs of the rest of the family . My dad 's needs always came first . One of his main needs was to be powerful and in control in every situation . 3 . The family appearance is deceptive . In my story I have shared that if you had looked at our family from the outside you would find a devoted poor widower trying to raise four children on his own . The truth was far different . In reality you had an evil man who controlled by lies , manipulation and sheer brute force to get what he wanted . This particular theme has stayed with me all these years . When I look at families I am not impressed with the image on the outside . My experience has given me a keen sense for the truth behind the lies . 4 . The truth is ignored . When faced with the truth everyone ignored it . It was easier to turn a blind 's eye then deal with the real truth . No one would believe that behind closed doors evil was being practiced on innocent little children . 5 . Family abusers use force . I had always looked at abuse as physical or sexual . There was sheer brute force used in my family . Smashing my brothers head against a wall , screaming , swearing at us , belittling us , made us all afraid . This fear would be my constant companion for many , many years . We were all petrified of our dad . We knew the power that he could swing so we tried everything to keep him happy . 6 . There is no straightforward , healthy communication . We were never allowed to speak for ourselves . I was the stupid / brave one who would sometimes call a spade a spade . The price was high for speaking my mind so I typically kept my thoughts to myself . I will never forget one of my dads favorite lines . " If I tell you to jump , you ask how high " 7 . The victims response is often futile . I have a much longer story about this one that I will save for tomorrow . My older sister and I confronted my dad once , and only once . You won 't believe his response . That is for next time . Climbing Slowly Down Into the Pit I remember being told one day that our dad was coming to take us out of the orphanage . At that point I had all but forgotten about him during the four years in the home . I don 't recall seeing him during those four years . I remember the phone call and him telling us he was coming to get him . My older sister had positive feelings about him and I so remember her telling me this was a good thing . The day arrived for him to come and take us to live with him . I remember him coming to the orphanage and being in awe . Here was this handsome man in a cool car coming to get us out of there . Surely it had to be better then what we had just been through . We lived several states away from where he was taking us . It took several days in the car to drive . I remember him being funny , upbeat and handsome . He quizzed us over and over again on our new address and phone number . We arrived late at night to our new home , a three bedroom apartment in a big brownstone . There was a buzzer inside this small vestibule . I was impressed . It was summer time and he had arranged for us to be cared for by a teenage girl . I remember her taking us to a swimming pool with a cabana . I thought I had died and gone to heaven . Quickly summer was over and it was time to go to school . The one problem was my little sister . She was too young to start kindergarten . So what does any kind and attentive daddy do ? He tells her she is to sit on the couch till the rest of us got home . Just pause and think about that . She was four years old at the time . Her job was to sit on the couch and just wait . Back in those days we went home for lunch so she got to see us at lunch time . Even at the age of ten I knew this was not right . Poor thing would cry when we left . When I think back at what the message sent to my sister I shiver . Why would someone do that to a child ? In the apartment complex our dad introduced us to his " friends " , two brothers , I believe were twins and they were deaf . They were the first of many men to come into our lives . It didn 't take long for the honeymoon to be over . The core of who the man was came to the surface . First there was the physical abuse . I remember one time my dad was beating my brother , both hands around his head , smashing it over and over again into the wall . He was yelling and screaming and swearing . At this point my older sister came out of her room and was crying and asked our dad to stop . It was horrible . The sexual abuse started at about the same time . My brother suffered the most at my dad 's hands . Years later we found out that he had been abusing boys for many many years . When he would get caught he would quietly move to another state in the same kind of job and start the abuse cycle all over again . I know that this is an unpleasant topic . I don 't write to shock , trust me , this is a part of my history that I wish had never happened . But it did , and we as children reached out for help , those we so desperately needed to help us , turned a blinds eye to the abuse . I know how the media portrays homosexuality . Two men or two women holding hands on the beach kind of stuff . I will tell you that in reality it is the farthest thing from the truth . I watched first hand , it is ugly , it is nasty and it is not God 's plan . I learned as a young teenager what beastiality was and I was sickened . That should never happen . I remember the time when the Catholic church was found to be guilty of hiding sexual abuse at the hands of some priests . Those little boys were raped both physically and emotionally . Try being surrounded by all the abuse from the one person you are supposed to trust , and come out of it walking upright . Abuse in any form is wrong . It is evil and it is not God honoring . It robs children of their childhood . Abuse tells children they are helpless . There is no way out . I can 't tell you how many children were robbed by this one man . I personally know of at least one young man who took his own life because of the abuse he suffered at the hands of my dad . Research says that a sexual abuser doesn 't get caught till he has abused around 100 children . That is a tragedy . How do I turn this around and leave you with hope ? I can tell you that it took many years to work through these issues . Tomorrow I will write about the aftermath . I can tell you one thing , God did not cause the abuse we suffered as children . It is the absence of God that is how evil comes to play . God worked a miracle in each of my siblings and myself lives . He restored what was robbed of us . What Satan and my dad meant for evil God took it and turned it for good . Lasting Memories There are a few memories that have always stayed with me concerning the " HOME " . The first is Christmas . Christmas morning was held in the small building to the right of this picture . It held the commercial washer and dryers plus long tables to fold all the clothes on . That was used Christmas morning for presents . I will never forget this one Christmas . We each lined up in the dorm room to go down and out into the laundry building . Once there we were assigned a place to stand at the folding tables . This particular Christmas there were 3 gifts . The one that stands out is a camera . Now back in the mid 60 's a pocket camera was a really big deal . It came with two batteries and the roll of film . I was so stinking excited , I got a camera ! The only problem was , once the 12 pictures were taken there wasn 't anything else . No way to get the roll developed , no way to get any new rolls of film . I never did get it developed . I was so sad that I would never see the pictures . That has always stayed with me . We typically adopt a family secretly for Christmas and I can tell you that memory has helped me more than once in choosing a gift . I don 't buy gifts that have to have anything done with them to ensure the happiness of the child . Another memory took place out at the " pond " One day I was told to sit there and wait for someone to get me . A young couple came out and introduced themselves to me . They told me they wanted to spend the day with me . Apparently they were looking to adopt a little girl . So out we went for the day . They took me to a toy store . The place was awesome . They told me I could get anything I wanted . I picked three different things . I chose a doll , a slinky and a bouncing ball . I had so much fun that day . I felt like a kid having a great day . When the day was over I was taken back to the orphanage . Whatever " Aunt " there was at the time was furious with me . She told me that I was a greedy little girl , making that couple spend money on three items instead of one . The gifts were taken away and told they would not be adopting me because I was so greedy . So , lets stop for a minute and think about the message that send that little girl all those years ago . First , no one would want to adopt you . You are not worthy . No one will want to make you part of their family . Then the greedy part . I 'm not sure what you think a child would do who has nothing but underwear to her name being taken into a toy store . I came to realize that is why I have such a hard time when I hear that there are children out there needing a home . I was always quick to raise my hand because I didn 't want another child to get the message they were not worthy . What I learned from that experience is I AM WORTHY ! My worth doesn 't come from anyone . Not my children , not my friends , and not my family . I am worthy because I have a perfect heavenly father who loves me more than I can imagine . He loves me so much that he was willing to give up his one and only Son to give me freedom . It doesn 't matter what tapes are playing in your head from your childhood . If they are negative tapes they don 't have to define who you are . Let me say that again . Those negative tapes do not have to define you . Years ago , I chose to throw those old tapes away and add new one . I am worthy , not because you or anyone else says I am but because the ONE that really matters says that I am a daughter of the King . My worth comes from him and him alone . Do you struggle with who you are ? Do you have tapes that haunt you from your past ? You can chose to lay those tapes aside , in fact you have the power to destroy those tapes and not let them rule your life . You my friend have great worth . DOn 't let anyone tell you otherwise . Tomorrow we leave the orphanage and start a chapter that I thought would be good . In truth , we were safer in the orphanage than where we landed next . Till tomorrow . So , What is it Like to Live in an Orphanage Before I go any farther I would like to explain one thing . I am not telling the story now because I need to heal . I am telling the story because I have healed and am now free to tell the story . You see , I have learned some really valuable lessons through the years . I want to be able to share those lessons , but if you have no clue where I am coming from you might not understand . I feel so blessed to have learned these lessons . This might be therapeutic for me but that 's not the reason . I want to empower others to be free . The picture above is an artist rendering of the " HOME " My sibs and I just received this recently . So , what is it like to live in an orphanage ? Good question . It was an institution not a home . Each floor was run by an " Aunt " In the four years I was there we had multiple " Aunts " . It was her job to make things run smoothly . Next to each bed was a tiny nightstand where we had our underpants and undershirts . Everything else was out of the dorm room and down the hall . Picture a very large closet with racks on three of the walls . The shoes were lined up on the floor all around the closet . You picked out a dress and a pair of shoes . SO the only thing that was yours was your underpants and undershirts . You didn 't even have your own shoes ! The clothes came from people donating used clothes . So let me stop for a moment and climb up on my soap box . I was the kid who wore those yucky old hand me downs . We all looked like orphans . When we walked to school ( yes we walked on the side of the road ) we looked like a bunch of orphans . When hubby and I decided to do foster care I turned down all requests for used clothes . I know that there are lovely used clothes but what we got was not lovely . To top it off , we were sent to school with very large black metal lunch boxes , the kind construction workers used to carry . When you give to people less fortunate please don 't give them crummy clothes ! Rant over Each dorm had a bathroom . The bathroom was quite large . Right smack in the middle of the room was a contraption that might be hard to explain . Picture a huge ceramic bowl up high with a very large round , metal tube coming up from the floor to above the bowl . At the top of the tube there is a shower head of sorts . It is round and pretty big in diameter . Five or six of us at a time would climb up into the bowl and sit . Someone would hold down a round rubber ring by the floor and water would sprinkle out of the top of the tube . Hope that makes sense . So that is how you got clean , with other girls sitting in a huge bowl with water sprinkling out of a head . There were three stalls with toilets and 2 or three showers with a curtain . I 'm telling you that because there is an incident that has always stayed with me . Obviously sitting in that " tub ' there was zero privacy . One of the older girls who had just started puberty and mentally slow decided one day that she was not getting in the tub with us . She said she wanted to take a shower alone . She said she was too old to be sitting in that thing naked . The " Aunt " took a broom handle and started chasing her around the tub with us in it . She was yelling for her to get in and she was screaming no she wouldn 't . This went on for quite a while . To tell you the truth I have no recollection who won that battle . Speaking of battles , food was a battle . You had to eat everything on your plate , period . We had canned peas a lot . I can 't handle the smell let alone the taste of canned peas . In fact my children grew up without experiencing canned peas . Since we had to eat everything I would drop one onto my lap at a time and then flick them in all directions under the table , trying hard not to be caught . On top of that the " Aunt " felt it was necessary to give us these huge horse pills that to this day I can still smell them if I remember them . I could not swallow pills as a child . I would gag and throw up . They had zero tolerance for any of my monkey shines . We would all stand in a line by the water fountain . We would be given the pill and take a drink and then open our mouths to show we had swallowed it . I got pretty stinking good at cheeking them . I would promptly go into the bathroom and go into the stall and spit it out . They also believed everyone needed an enema when you had any kind of illness . The indignity of it all . I can chuckle about it now but not so much then . In reality , these " Aunts " weren 't bad people , they just had no clue how to care for a boat load of children who were broken . Out of all the Aunts we had , one stood out . One night we were in the middle of a severe thunderstorm . I was scared to death . She was an unmarried young woman . Her room was at the very front of the dorm room . I thought it was time to go down to the dining hall to set the table but it was still the middle of the night . I must have woken her up . She let me crawl in bed with her and she sang me the books of the Bible song . That was the one kindness I saw . Unfortunately she didn 't stay long . Back to the Story The HOME , that 's what we called the orphanage . I almost hate the name because it sure wasn 't a home . I am going to leave out some details to protect the privacy of some members of my family . How it was decided that we would go into the orphanage is still a mystery . I know that my mother 's parents , my grandparents wanted us four kids . They actually knew the truth . Less than a month before the fire ripped through our home my mother fled to her parents in another state . Apparently she found out the truth about my dad , the double life , the lies , the hurt children . All of it . She wanted a divorce . Back in the 60 's you couldn 't get a divorce as easily as you can now . She took us and went to her parents and got a lawyer . She was told she would have to go back to him for 6 weeks and place residency and then file for divorce . She went back to him with four children in tow and waited out the six weeks . It was during that six weeks that the house burnt down . Are you thinking what I am thinking ? My dad knew our grandparents knew the truth and he wanted nothing to do with them . He denied access to us so into the orphanage we went . I will never forget the day we went . What my poor grandmother on my dad 's side thought I have no clue . Apparently she came to see us on occasion . As a grandparent I can 't even imagine . I would have wanted to shake my son and say what are you thinking son . While the papers were being signed we were sent outside . The building was quite massive , a brick two story sitting back on the property . In front there was a huge flag pole and a cement walkway . Off to the side on the left was a wide open area with a very large swing set and a merry go round . Past that was a small pond . It was there that I met a couple that said they wanted to adopt me . But that 's a story for another day . I remember swinging on that huge metal swing that day and thinking what in the world am I doing here . We should have been with family . The family secret was in full force . People afraid to speak up . My baby sister was too young to go into this particular orphanage . She had to be potty trained before she came in . Right at two years of age she was brought . I will never forget the first night she came . My little sister is little . I mean a short little thing . With white hair , blue eyes and a sweetness that could melt any one with a heart . All the girls were up on the second floor in a huge room with beds lined up on each side of the wall . When evening came on the first night my baby sister , barely two , was told to go to bed . She was shown the bed that would be hers and told , get in and go to sleep . She obeyed , she got in bed and started to cry . I was indignant . I started down the middle towards her bed and I was yelled at to get back upfront . I was told she would have to learn how to go to bed on her own so she might as well start now . I always was a troublemaker ! I went to her and scooped her up in my arms and rocked her to sleep . Does that make your blood boil like it does mine ? This sweet little girl lost her Mama to a fire , she is put into an orphanage barely two years old and told to go to sleep on her own . You want to know how to screw up a child ? Here is the perfect recipe . Children need love and they desperately needed attachment . When they don 't have that there world is turned upside down . My husband and I did foster care for 20 years . In those 20 years we served over 30 children . I knew I could never make up for what my baby sister endured but I knew that I could make a difference to just one child . Make a difference in the life of just one person . That is my story and that is my theme . I can 't save the world and neither can you . There is only one who can save the world and it is Jesus , God 's son . But we can be the hands and feet of Jesus every step of the way . I challenge you like I challenge myself . Make this world a better place but helping just one person . Family Secrets Before I go any further in my story I would love to just stop and talk about family secrets . We all have them . Some may be more detrimental then others . Some are serious problems . I well remember Mrs . Frankum . She lived up the street from us while I was in middle school . Her husband was an elder in the church I attended . They drove me to church every week . When her husband suddenly died of a heart attack I became her companion . I would ride with her to the store . I had never been to a " tag " sale and she taught me about shopping for bargains . I had fun with Mrs . Frankum . Her driving scared me and she seemed terribly old to me but we became close over time . So close that I dared share with her one day that what was going on behind closed doors at my home was terrible . The word gay was never used back in the 60 's and 70 's . I don 't think I knew the word homosexual but I sure knew what it meant . So , I told her the truth . Immediately she rose up indignant and told me to NEVER speak of my wonderful father that way . She was shaking and I was scared . I felt so very alone . Those words she spoke told me that family secrets stay family secrets . Locked in a vault never to be opened again . While our children were little I didn 't say a word . I grieved that I didn 't have grandparents to offer my children . I allowed them to think the fire took both my parents . It was easy , it was convenient . It also helped me to hide my shame . I was fearful what my children would think . As a child I was fearful I would have to grow up and be a lesbian since my dad was a homosexual . I wrestled with the shame for many , many years . I am thankful my husband encouraged me to tell the truth to my children . When they were older I knew my dad could not influence them or abuse them like I was . They were safe . Safety was always my number one concern . The problem with family secrets is , eventually it all comes out . It many not be right away , but eventually the truth comes out . What I have learned is the truth will set you free ! Family secrets make the family dysfunctional . Especially family secrets where abuse is involved . Abuse in any form tears a family apart . The victim is made responsible for the abuse . How twisted is that ? Power is exploited . When there is abuse there is no voice for the victim . The relationship becomes unhealthy . On the outside our family looked wonderful . Picture a handsome man trying to raise 4 children on his own . He was charming , he was dashing , he was entertaining . Until , the door closed . Gone was the charm , the dash and the fun . Welcome to a house of terrors . Where children are belittled , where heads get smashed against the wall , over and over again . Where the very gift God gave married couples is distorted and turned into evil . A place where you are never good enough . You have zero value . All of this wrapped in a cloak of secrecy and shame . God doesn 't want us to be filled with shame . It robs us of an intimate relationship with our Savior that he desperately wants with his children . The truth allows the light to shine on evil . Like an abandoned building filled with dirty , slimy rats , when the light is turned on they all scatter . What Satan meant for evil , God turned it to good . God did not cause all the abuse my siblings and I suffered at our dad 's hands . In fact , it is the absence of God that makes evil . Remember Mrs . Frankum ? Some how years later she found me and wrote me a lovely letter . She wanted to rekindle the relationship we had once had . By this point I was married and had several children . I felt very strong that I needed to set the record straight . So , I wrote a very long letter , detailing the physical , sexual and emotional abuse . I promised her I had told her the truth all those years ago . I told her I had long ago forgiven her for not helping me . I understood as I got older that her generation NEVER spoke of such things . Shortly after I wrote the letter to her I got a tear stained letter back . The relationship had been restored . She shared with me that in her generation you never spoke of such things . She had no clue how to help so she pretended it didn 't happen . We wrote back and forth for several years before the Lord took her home . The theme of my story is Beauty From Ashes . Picture our home burnt to the ground . A Mama lost her life , sooner than she should have . Her children would never know the love of the mother . There was not much to salvage after the fire ripped through our home . There was however an abundance of ashes . I will never forget the smell and sight of ashes . My life has been restored from those ashes . Satan came to seek and destroy . The fire , the loss of my mother , living in the orphanage , the abuse at the hands of an evil man all helped shape who I am . I would not trade my life for anyone else 's . God shaped me through that fire . I will not let my past define who I am . I will use the terrible things , the hard things , the anger and the shame all of it to the glory of God . It has made me more compassionate , stronger and loving . Family secrets destroy , truth brings freedom . Lots of tough things today . Are you filled with shame ? Are you holding a family secret even now ? You don 't have to allow it to define who you are . I found freedom at the foot of the cross . My prayer is that you do too . The Aftermath Yesterday I left off with the fire . I have told that story many times . However , what I have never told till recently was what Paul Harvey used to say is , " the rest of the story " . You see , my family had a secret . A secret my older sister and I tried desperately to share once , while seeking help . Unfortunately , our story was not believed and we continued to suffer . Now that my children are all grown up and on their own with children of their own I feel the time is here to tell the truth . My siblings and I have each had to deal with our families when it came to this secret . We have handled it in different ways over the years . I respect each siblings way of handling this truth with their respective families / For me , I told the story of the fire and went directly to the orphanage we were put in . There is a piece that I kept hidden from my own children , mainly out of safety for them . I allowed them to think that both of my parents died in the fire that night . It was easier to omit a critical detail . It was easier to sweep it under the rug so to speak . The memories were just too painful . The shame was enormous ! I lived with that shame for way too many years . Shame is NOT from God . Shame is from Satan who wants to seek out and destroy . I will no longer carry that shame with me . I was just a child . So , my next memory from after the fire is by sitting on this big bed with my big sister and brother . My baby sister was elsewhere . My dad was on the bed with us . He did not die in the fire , because he was not there . After a fight with my mother , he took off that night . Supposedly he was found at a motel with a man . I bet you thought I was going to say a woman but no , it was a man . One of many men over the years , but I won 't get a head of myself . We sat on the bed with my dad and it was then that he told us our mother had died in the fire . One of the things that was amazing was how everyone kept the secret of our mother 's death from us . We were in the hospital for almost a week , recovering from the fire . When asked where our mother was we were lied to . So after the fire we sat on this bed in an upstairs of a strangers home telling us our mother had died . I looked over at my older sister and she was balling her eyes out . This memory is as fresh today as it was over 50 years ago . I remember thinking , why am I not crying ? What is wrong with me ? That day has defined many things about me all these years later . I tried desperately to squeeze out tears where none would come . Why didn 't I cry ? I can tell you one thing , I was afraid to cry . For years , fear has been a constant companion . I would not cry for the loss of my mother until I faced the loss of our own daughter . So much grief . While I was growing up , even in high school people knew I didn 't have a mother . Usually a girlfriend would ask me , " don 't you miss your Mom ? " No , I would reply , what would I do with a mother if I had one ? I can cook , I can clean , I can iron clothes , what would I need one for ? " That is the honest truth . I had no clue what I had missed all those years . The first memory of my life is the night of the fire and I was 5 years old . Back then , I had no clue what I would have done with a mother if I had had one . It wasn 't until I held my precious daughter in my arms for the first time did I even think about my loss . When I held my daughter I wondered for the first time if I was half as loved as I felt for my own daughter . It would take many years to understand the vital role a mother plays for her children . I did know growing up that my one and only goal was to be a mother some day . To give children something I never had . I asked God many many times to let me live long enough to allow my children to remember me . That lack of memory is a tough thing to swallow . My very wise husband once said that family secrets will destroy a family . You will know the truth and the truth will set you free ! To that I say amen . Let 's Start At The Beginning This was the first day of the rest of my life . The flames were lapping all around the living room . My siblings and I were up on the second floor in bed . I shared a bedroom with my baby sister . My brother , only a year younger than me panicked and was found hidden up in the attic when it was finally over . My sister 2 years older than me had just spent the past week going through fire safety at school . She learned everything she needed to know that week on fire safety . Had she not been there we would have all died . She woke me up through the wall vent in between our bedrooms . She told me there was a fire and I was to go to the bathroom and get a wet washcloth , bring into the bedroom , close the door , get the baby out of the crib and huddle under the crib with the baby , with the wet washcloth over her face and wait for help . My sister broke her window and had to jump out of the window down to the ground . To this day she carries the scars on her hands and her heart . The next door neighbor didn 't wake to the pounding on his door so my sister ran down the road in her pajamas trying to find the closest fire alarm . Back in the day , they were on poles on street corners . A trucker saw her running down the road in the middle of the night and found the nearest store with a phone and called the police . When my sister pulled that fire alarm , the police and fireman came and followed her to the house . They found me huddled with my baby sister covering her to protect this precious life . I remember being taken out of the house that night and into the ambulance with my baby sister . Our lives changed forever that night . We were four little kids who just became homeless and motherless . The ripple effect continues to this day . This is my very first memory , the fire . It has shaped who I am ever since . When I got married over 37 years ago I begged my husband to make sure that if our house burnt down that he would pick me up and carry me out the door . I used to have dreams that I freeze in the next fire . I am too petrified to move , hence the pleading with my husband to make sure I get out . You would think I would be terrified of all fires but I am not . I love fireplaces , as long as the are behind glass ! Fire is a beautiful thing to behold but as we learned that night , fire can sweep a home and take it 's most prized possession , it 's family . That night I became a Mama . I didn 't realize it till I went into therapy this year but that fire defined my very character . I never did have much of a childhood . We spent a lot of our growing up years in an orphanage . I became my baby sister 's Mama . Huddling under that bed that night with her in a ball in my arms , shielding her from the fire , I took on the role of Mama . It would take years of work for me to untangle that emotional bond as Mama to my siblings , my baby sister especially . I had to allow her to make her own decisions and make a new bond with her . One of deep love and respect for the person she is , as her sister and friend . She doesn 't need me to be her Mama . She had a Mama and unfortunately she died . I tried to take over and while she was a child that worked great . When she became an adult I had to face that I really wasn 't her Mama but a big sister that would lay down her life for her . I was trying to explain all this to the therapist . I have never been able to express just how deep my feelings go for my three siblings . I have always prayed that God would take me first when it 's time to die . I didn 't think I could handle losing them . When I shared that the four of us are very close the therapist shared with me that we have what is called a trauma bond . We had gone through that fire together and came out together alive . We still carry the smoke from that fire but now it is just a reminder of God 's amazing protection . That night is the night I learned how to nurture and protect . That is a great trait , one that has always been my faithful guide . Now I understand just how deep that goes . I am a nurturer to the very core of my being . That is who I am . That 's enough for me . I am a daughter of the King who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what God has rescued me from . I have woken up to the same husband for 38 years now ! We have been blessed to have lived in 14 different states and the Azores . Our children are our legacy given by God . Our grandchildren are the delight of our lives . |
I know it 's been a while since I 've posted anything . We 've been busy with Christmas coming ( tomorrow ! ) not to mention chasing the little man around . And cleaning everything up . The other day we had Spaghettios for lunch . He insists on eating his food with a utensil in hand . He might not use it , but he has to have it . Most of the time , he has to have 2 or 3 . A week ago he woke up and we were at Miss Amy 's house when I noticed his eye . It was goopy and crusty but not pink . He 'd had a runny nose for a little over a week but I thought it was closely related to the 2 front teeth he has coming in , just in time for Christmas . But the eye thing had me a little concerned . The Dr . wanted to see him so later that morning we went to visit the pediatrician . Turns out Samuel has an ear infection in both ears ! Yuck ! For 13 months we have avoided any ear infection that Kevin and I seemed to get so frequently when we were his age . But we can avoid it no longer . One lesson I have learned from this latest round of antibiotics : The strawberry flavoring is Samuel 's favorite so far . He 's not into the bubble gum flavor . This evening we decided to take Samuel to see Santa and have his picture taken with the man in red . As it turns out , Bass Pro Shop was hosting the big guy and giving away free pictures with him . I was a bit fearful of the potential disaster this was going to be , seeing so many photos recently of children Samuel 's age crying through the whole experience . But , as stated so many times before , we have a trooper on our hands . He was a great little guy , smiling and even waving goodbye ! While we were at the store , we thought we could play a little . . . A little random , but this is video of Samuel eating lemons for the first time . Last week we were blessed with some early Christmas blessings when my dad came for a week . While he was here he offered to help make my house more of a home ( thank you ! ) and he had some help in the process . What a good helper ! And what a fabulous red wall ! Thanks so much grand - dad ! Laughing and playing with GrPosted by As of Tuesday , December 17 , there have been casualties of the Christmas variety in our house : 1 Baby 's 1st Christmas hand - painted glass ornament1 Christmas TreeI have to go buy some super glue to try to repair the ornament . And our Christmas tree will probably be leaning against the wall until after Christmas when trees are marked down . Imagine , Christmas morning with a leaning Christmas tree ! Note : Invest in a gate to protect the Christmas tree and its shiny ornaments . And , even if you do put the " touchable " ornaments on the bottom for little hands to play with , those same little hands like to pull and will pull a tree down . This pulling down of the big Christmas tree makes all breakable ornaments up higher on the tree just further from the floor and quite unsteady . Samuel is expecting a cousin in mid - April and we are delighted it 's going to be a boy ! Samuel can 't wait to perfect his new tricks like spitting and throwing food so he can teach to his cousin . Congrats Morgan and Andy . We are all excited and know you are too . We ( sans Kevin ) had the pleasure to go to Maryland for Thanksgiving . Some things just aren 't right and Thanksgiving isn 't " Thanksgiving " unless it 's at my parent 's home . It was nice to get to visit with my brother , sister - in - law , and my grandparents for a few days . Samuel was spoiled , it doesn 't take long for these things to happen . It was very cold ( to me ) . I knew it was chilly when stepping off the plane , I could see my breath . The trip there was bearable since the flight was barely half - full . The worst thing that happened : Samuel knocked his applesauce onto the floor , including enzymes , which splattered up and onto the bag belonging to the guy sitting next to us . And on his pants too . So embarrassing . The flight back , Samuel fell asleep in the airport and stayed knocked out for MOST of the flight . The last 45 minutes he woke up and realized he needed to make up for lost time . He wanted to crawl down the aisle , which was not acceptable . When that couldn 't happen , he screamed , became a noodle , and tried to get down . By COMPARISON , he was excellent . By my standards , he 's had better days . Samuel is getting brave ! He 's walking with one hand on the couch or the other day he was walking while holding on to my hand . Some people are encouraging Samuel to just get up and walk . These are not people who live in this house or would otherwise have to chase Samuel around the house / church / grocery store / neighborhood . . whatever place would apply . But he has been standing up while leaning against the couch , face out , and it really won 't be too much longer . Last week I accidentally erased the video of him walking with his tractor . I was able to get new video of that yesterday and am posting it before I erase it this time ! This is 2 minutes of him going back and forth with his tractor . He will do this for a lot longer than 2 minutes . He goes and when he can 't go straight anymore , he walks to the other side and goes backward . Back and forth , back and forth . Last time I wrote about when I dropped Samuel at Miss Amy 's , I said he couldn 't have cared less that I was leaving . This past Friday I dropped him off and he actually waved to me as I was walking out the door . Next week I am expecting him to get out of the car and carry his own stuff in and say , " Please mom , you don 't have to come in . " And then the week after that he will be driving himself there . He 's mad because I won 't let him have the camera . I should just give it to him and let him finish destroying it . The buttons have somehow gotten sticky and now I have a rough time turning the silly thing on . Thankfully , Costco has some on sale now . . . Still mad . . . If you read lips , you may be able to tell he is saying something like " nooooooo " or whining something similar . We are getting ready to go to Maryland for Thanksgiving ! Samuel and I are very excited to see all the family that will be there . I 'll be sure to take lots of pictures of Samuel bundled up for the cold . That will be fun ! I just realized that he 's wearing the same thing in all these pictures . It 's not because he doesn 't have clothes to wear , but they were all taken Saturday morning , just before breakfast . We rePosted by It 's hard to believe it 's been a year . For over a year now , Samuel has had enzymes with every meal . That 's a lot of pills ! He 's had vitamins everyday . He 's had breathing treatments most of those days . He 's such a trooper , but to him , he doesn 't know that other kids don 't do that . He 's been really getting into his breathing treatments . He knows he can 't win the fight anymore so he enjoys the silly songs we sing for him . When he sees the mask , he actually puts it up to his face for a few seconds . How fabulous ! In the past year , Samuel has had it pretty easy , considering what we are up against . He 's only struggled with pneumonia once and the constant battle hasn 't been anything more than keeping his weight up . He hasn 't had one hospital visit or long stay at the emergency room or clinic . All in all , we 've been very blessed . He is a very happy boy who loves just that : being a boy . He likes to get dirty , be in control and not sleep . He really enjoys getting into news things ( i . e . trouble ) and climbing the stairs to go back down them . When I look at him sleeping in his bed , it 's amazing how big he is getting ! I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for . So , what 's Samuel been up to ? Well , some people would like you to think he was the one who coordinated the jail break yesterday , but he told me he was trying to stop it . Miss Amy had the windows open and turned the corner to see one and a half kids out the window with Samuel holding on to the legs of the one who was on his way out . Like I said , he told me he was trying to pull him back in , but you can believe who you would like . The high chair must be a comfortable place . When he can 't even stay awake for some chicken nuggets then he must be extremely worn out . The other day I had some great video of Samuel scooting around with his tractor . Then I went to a baby shower and was deleting old pictures and deleted the video without uploading it first ! So , I have to record him doing that again soon and get it up . He looks like a little old man walking along . It 's great ! WPosted by Wow ! It seems like since Samuel 's birthday his personality is developing so fast ! In addition to walking , with the help of his John Deere tractor , he is really starting to test the waters . While I 've been working with him to learn the sign for " finished " , he will only sign that he is finished when I ask him . And I can usually tell when he is finished because he starts throwing his food in the floor . Cute at home because Lucy is eager to be on the clean - up crew , but obnoxious at a restaurant or friend 's house . That being said , Sunday morning he was eating pancakes for breakfast . While he was eating , I was making a pot of coffee for myself . ( Yes , a pot ) . I looked over to see him throw a piece of pancake overboard and then watch Lucy gobble it up . Just as he was reaching for another piece , I said to him , " Samuel , don 't throw your food on the floor . " He looked at me , and while making eye contact , dropped another piece over the other side . He is such a stinker ! This is his latest discovery : He is also doing just great at Miss Amy 's house . Kevin has been dropping him off more frequently that I have but I had a turn last Friday . He was so eager to play , he couldn 't have cared less when it was time for me to leave . On my way to work , I called Kevin and said " He 's supposed to cry when I leave ! It 's supposed to be harder than this ! " We both knew he would adjust well , just not THIS well ! : ) He has so much fun at Miss Amy 's , playing and doing a daily project . I have Samuel 's project on the wall in my kitchen . Soon , we won 't need to paint or buy any expensive art to hang on the walls since they will be covered with Samuel 's handprint turkeys , trees , pumpkins , or whatever else he is working on that day . He is so busy there , he only has time for 1 nap . Sometimes , it comes a little early . Poor guy . . . Kevin and I don 't know whose kid this is as neither of us ever remember falling asleep while being served a meal . ; ) Kevin and I are bracing ourselves for a big growth spurt . Samuel has had a cold for the past few days and didn 't sleep wPosted by My little boy is growing up . Yesterday was his birthday and all day I kept remembering what I was doing at that moment a year ago . Samuel 's grandparents ( Erica 's mom and dad ) were able to come visit for his birthday so he got extra spoiled and didn 't have to go to Miss Amy 's house for a few days . For his birthday we had some friends and family over for some cake and ice cream . We watched him play in / eat his cake and attempt to play with the gifts he received . He was so sleepy by that time , there were about 2 that he was fascinated with . All in all , it was a great time . Thanks to all who could make it or otherwise shared in the celebration . On his big day , Samuel figured out a new way to get to things he 's not supposed to have . We have a lamp and some glass coasters on a table in the living room . He 's not allowed to play with these things . Yesterday , Samuel figured out how to get to them in a new and exciting way : go the back way . This is him leaving the scene of the crime . Today I saw the funniest thing . I saw a Hawaiian surfer on a John Deere tractor being attacked by a bear ! Who would have ever thought ? I have finally uploaded some pictures from recent trips or local adventures . Tennessee was great and the photo ops were plenty . Some of my favorites : our golf trip . There is a local farm , Schnepf Farms , where we took our youth group a few weeks ago . If you are looking for some great entertainment for your family or group , I highly recommend it . There are so many things to do there for all ages : rides , corn maze , train rides , hay rides , food , pig races , petting zoo . . . so much to do . We got started a little late but still enjoyed ourselves . Just get your tickets at Fry 's Food first and save $ 2 . . . . always important . Samuel has been doing great at Miss Amy 's . No more tears all morning like the first few days . He 's got some great friends over there in Delaney and Timmy . The other day Timmy even got up from Dora to welcome Samuel there for the day . I can already tell a difference in how he interacts with other kids , even thoPosted by My first day back to work . It was a good day for me . I started working again . I am officially a " working mother " . Not to say I wasn 't before . . . aren 't ALL mothers working ? At any rate , back to the office I go . Not such a great day for Samuel . He stayed with his friend Delaney and her mommy , Miss Amy . Poor Miss Amy . Samuel cried for most of the day , wouldn 't eat , refused to sleep , and from what I understand , made the other kids cry too . Is it possible Samuel will be asked to not return ? Never . Delaney loves " her Samuel " too much . : ) Just an update on Samuel 's health : Last week he had a fever ( see previous post ) . He had a chest x - ray . On Saturday evening I got a phone call that I wasn 't prepared for . The technician and doctor had found something in the upper right lobe of Samuel 's lung and they couldn 't explain what it was . Something was there , whether a mass of tissue , fluid , or pneumonia . After worrying a little and praying a lot , we met with his pediatrician today . Doctor says his chest sounds great ! And he suspects , even though he hasn 't seen the x - ray , that the mass / haziness in his lung is just pneumonia . He was treated for pneumonia last week so we are already half - way through that treatment and Samuel seems to be doing OK . He still has a cough , which I am expecting him to have that for a while . Thank you Jesus ! Silly as it may sound , I 'll take a diagnosis of pneumonia over a " mass of tissue " any day ! I realize I 've not posted new pics lately . It 's not that I don 't have them . . . We got wonderful pictures in Tennessee ! Just , the camera is downstairs and the computer is upstairs and , I think you can see where I 'm going with this . Maybe tomorrow . Thanks for checking in and praying for Samuel ! As I write this , I can hear Kevin saying " You need to go to bed ! " but he isn 't here tonight so I stay up and blog . : ) I 'll pay for this later . . . I 'll pay , mainly because sleep has been elusive this week . Monday and Tuesday mornings , Samuel woke up early and the only consoling he would accept was to lay in the family bed , between us . OK , fine . We just got back from a trip , I thought . He should be over this soon . Right . Tuesday afternoon I was playing with him in the floor and when I picked him up , I immediately noticed his back felt very warm . I took his temperature and he had a low fever . I figured it was because he is getting a new tooth ( # 2 ) . Being like most other moms , I gave him some Tylenol and took him to the grocery store . Later that evening , after the pediatricians office closed ( it always happen like that ! ) his fever was higher , like in the 102 's . He was really not himself and just miserable . Kevin and I struggled with the decision : do we wait until the morning and call his doctor or do we take him to urgent care ? I waited until Kevin was in bed to decide that we needed to go to the clinic . Really , I didn 't but it just worked out that way . Sorry , Kevin . We got there around midnight and after 2 pukey shirts , 1 chest x - ray , 1 throat culture , 1 mid - night call to the PCH pulmonologist and a prescription for antibiotics , we got to go home . It was about 3 am . Wednesday was miserable as I struggled to give him enough fluids , clean up those fluids when they came back , then try to feed him and keep him comfortable . It 's heartbreaking when he looks at me , crying and says , " ma - ma - ma - ma " . BUT , his fever broke last night , thanks to many prayers of our friends and family ! And today , he 's back to his old self : digging through the cabinets and climbing the stairs . In fact , today he made it all the way to the top and half - way to the office when I caught up with him . When he sees me coming , he crawls as fast as he can like he 's running away . As funny as it is to watch , we are really trying to discourage that behavior for wPosted by Someday soon , too soon for me , Samuel will figured out he doesn 't need to hold on to the couch to get around . He 's already mastered crawling and is quite comfortable climbing the stairs . Scary . ( I 'm sorry this is sideways - I can 't figure out how to fix it . It 's not long so you shouldn 't get too bad of a neck cramp . ) We 'll call this one " Not too big for his britches " . I had put him in a new pair of jeans the other day and I went to see what he was doing . . . his britches were falling down ! He ended up getting down and crawling right out of them ! I have a nudest . He crawls away mid - diaper change as well . He 's such a stinker ! Lately , Samuel has been making this funny noise with his mouth , smacking his lips sorta . The other day after lunch I thought I 'd take a minute to record him doing it . He did for a little while but he got distracted and had other tasks to do . It begins at about 1 minute and I 'll let you guess what it is . : ) Usually Samuel enjoys bothering Lucy and she usually leaves him alone . Sometimes they play together and it 's so cute . And USUALLY , Lucy doesn 't like Samuel to get in her food and bones . However , she is learning that he is very generous when handing out bones ( 1 for you , 1 for me ) and sometimes they share food ( YUCK ! ) . But Samuel has recently started reaching for things higher in the pantry . The other day I had the door closed but not all the way . It didn 't take too long . . . And then . . . One last thing . I finished " The Book " ! It 's not the best work I 've ever done , but it 's finished and Samuel likes it . He drags it around on the dirty floor ! But I 'm so glad it 's finished . I 'm so proud . I 'll have to take a picture of it and post it . Thanks for checking in . I 'll update later in the week as we have Samuel 's " CF Annual Visit " tomorrow . A few weeks ago I was telling about collecting a sample from Samuel and mentioned it would be easier to start potty training . The more I thought about it , the more I liked the idea so last week we started . Well , I started . I was working with him every day . Friday was the day . On Friday , Samuel peed in the potty . He did on Saturday too ! The first time it happened , I was so surprised ! He was so slick about it and I hadn 't even noticed until it was time to get him up and I almost spilled it in the floor . But by Saturday , he knew what he was doing . Then Saturday evening we tried again , just before bathtime . Not so much luck then . He peed in the bathtub . Close . . . it 's in the same room , right ? I 'm so happy that we are getting a head start on this . Not only is it Potty time , but it 's Party time too ! I 've been working on Samuel 's first birthday bash . It 's not really a bash , just some friends coming over for cake and ice cream but it will be a bash to him . That 's about all that 's going on around here right now . Will keep updating as things change . This is so cool and I am so excited to be able to share with you . I 'm working on something big . BIG big . Well , it 's big to me . I 've found this site , onetruemedia . com and I think it 's fabulous . If you know about it already , just keep those comments to yourself . I want to think I was the one that discovered this on my own . Samuel 's first birthday is just around the corner and it seems like that should be about the time I should start fund - raising for Team Samuel 's participation in Great Strides 2009 . For a while I 've been thinking about a video for Samuel and this site allows me to do it . . . for free . Yes , free . I love free stuff ! And this allows me to put my photos , home videos and choice of music together just as I want it done . While I 'm not finished this latest project , you can be assured it will be posted here to be the next big viral video . First I need to finish " the book " ( see post titled 9 months ) , a sweater while I 'm still excited about it and this silly diaper kit I purchased a while ago . Oh who am I kidding , I 'll stay up all night editing , tweaking , and rethinking my choice of music and it should be complete by 2 am . But first , for real first , I need to go make dinner . Hungry husbands aren 't very sympathetic to those of us who are too creative to make dinner ! : ) Stay tuned ! EricaP . S . No , they didn 't pay me to say any of this stuff about their fabulous site , but they should ! While we were out of town we got a letter from PCH wanting to schedule a " CF Annual Visit " . This is a time to meet with all members of the CF team to discuss Samuel 's past year and set goals for the coming year . We should plan on being at the CF center for 2 - 3 hours . That appointment is set for October 7 . However , prior to the appointment , Samuel needs several tests . He needs lots of bloodwork , a urinalysis , TB skin test and a chest x - ray . I figured these things weren 't going to take care of themselves so last week I started making appointments . This morning he had all his bloodwork and TB skin test taken care of . I felt bad doing this in one day , in one morning , but it 's all done and we don 't have to get more pokes . Samuel did GREAT with the pokes . I honestly believe he hates being held down more than he hates the sticks . As for the urine and x - rays . Well , the x - rays can be done later this week . We don 't need an appointment for them . And the urine . . . This afternoon we tried for the urine test but boys don 't aim very well and he 's even worse at peeing on que . To help this process , the lab gave me 2 collection bags . The idea is to give him a drink , lay him down for a nap with the bag strategically placed to collect what he releases during his nap . When he wakes , you empty the bag into the cup and all is done . I had the right idea , I guess . Drink ? check . Lots to drink ? check . Nap ? check . Bag placement correct ? I didn 't have a diagram to follow but I 'm confident that 's a check . Bag ' O Pee after a nap ? Not so much . See , the diaper and the bag were competely dry after the nap so I left it in place thinking " He has to go sometime ! " About 1 / 2 hour to 45 minutes later I could smell that he had indeed peed and thought this process could be over . I laid him down to carefully remove the bag and the sample and change the diaper that had caught what was left when the bag was filled to the brim ( yeah right ) . I was a little disappointed to find the diaper was soaked and the little plastic bag had worked it 's way from the designatPosted by I know I have been very lax in my posts recently . I 'll blame it on catching up after " vacation " . But we are still here and there is so much to add . It might get done in several posts . I 'll put all his medical news in another post . So Samuel is now getting into everything and gets mad when I put the gate up to keep him out of our front room . Tonight he climbed an entire staircase ( supervised ) at Bishop Hudson 's house . At our house , he 's done the first 3 steps to the landing , then stopped . And , what 's great is he knows how to back down them to get down . He hasn 't tried ( yet ) to go down head - first . But he is training for the speed - crawling event for the 2010 Olympics . I 'm sure he 'll qualify . Last week , when he started the stair climbing , I left him for a second to get his juice and when I came back he had crawled from about 3 feet away and was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs facing the second step . I was gone for about 5 seconds I 'm sure . He 's also starting to copy what he hears . Such as , I cleared my throat the other day . . . he did too . He was making noises , I made the same noise , he did it again . He 's even trying to say uh - oh when I do . The lesson : I need to stop calling people idiots when I 'm driving . The last post I said he 's got a tooth . Well , he 's getting another one right next to it . He 's been smacking his lips for over a week trying to suck it through . It 's cute when he makes a fish face for sucking so hard ! I also told about his silly face . Well , I have multiple pictures of the silly face , or toothy grin , as I like to call it . He 's such a silly ! We keep Lucy 's dog food and bones on the floor in the pantry . Under normal circumstances Lucy would NOT take kindly to Samuel messing with her stuff . But there is always an exception to the rule and today was it : While we were in Virginia , we had the opportunity to take Samuel to the beach for the first time . It was dusk but it looks like we were there in the middle of the night . Maybe Kevin couldn 't see the waves coming in and that 's how he got his pants soaked . YPosted by Samuel has one tooth and another making it 's way in . I noticed the first one at the airport a week ago while we were waiting for our flight . Since it was delayed 3 hours and we didn 't have anything else to do in the Phoenix airport , I was trying to keep him entertained and as tired as possible so he would sleep on the flight . A few days before , I thought I had heard a tooth scrape across a spoon but I could never see anything . He was also just not himself . He wasn 't grouchy , just there . But at the airport , I could feel it and was so excited ! I wanted to go over to the microphone at the gate and announce to my fellow passengers " My son has his first tooth ! Finally ! " but I just turned to another mom making conversation and shared the news with her . Thankfully , she didn 't think I was crazy . Since we have been here he has started showing signs of having another break through . By the time we get back home to Arizona he should have 2 teeth . He is also an avid crawler . He is really getting around quite well . You know your son crawls too much when the tops of his shoes and / or socks are dirty from dragging on the floor ! While we are away , I 've been fortunate to have access to my e - mail while away . I get weekly e - mails regarding the growth and development of Samuel based on his age . Well , this week I got e - mails from 2 different sources regarding communication . Both sources encouraged parents to curb the baby talk . Do you hear the angels singing Hallalujah ! ? I believe teaching baby talk is confusing for a little one learning so much . I think of it like this : Imagine you were told the color red was actually blue and blue was orange and orange was really yellow and yellow was brown and brown was green and green was blue . You would have to relearn your colors . Well , if we always referred to a " bottle " as a " baba " then he would have to relearn this thing that gives him milk is really a bottle , not a baba . When giving him his bottles , I try to call it milk , not bottle , since milk comes from a bottle and juice from a cup . All thisPosted by Samuel has been a real character lately . He has a really cheesy grin that he likes to give and it is so funny and cute . I haven 't been able to snap a photo of it yet because he won 't hold that pose but I 'm sure I 'll get it sometime soon . Lately we 've been having to put at least 2 binkies in his crib with him . Somehow he throws one overboard and needs the other for backup . But sometimes he will have both . And when he does the show begins . He will lay in his bed , binky # 1 in mouth , and hold the other one in front of him . He sees binky # 2 in hand , spit binky # 1 out and insert binky # 2 . Then he 'll pick up binky # 1 , spit out # 2 , and insert # 1 . The process repeats until he gets bored and falls asleep or we laugh too hard and he gets distracted . The other evening he was having a snack in the floor and finally decided to share with Lucy . He is such a good sharer but Lucy needs help with her sharing . When he realized he wasn 't getting his snack back he wasn 't happy at all . He has since shared his stuff with her from the comfort of his high chair ( I think he likes to see her jump up and get it from his hand ) but hasn 't been too upset by it . While Kevin was gone to Show Low one evening , he missed some of Samuel entertaining himself . Luckily , I was able to capture THAT on video and share with him and all of you . The hard part is deciding which video to post as he did this for quite a while . Has anyone else been inspired by the Olympics ? I have . Seeing people set a goal and work every day to achieve that goal is inspiring to me . What have I been inspired to do ? Besides stay up late watching , well , gee , I can 't quite say . I 've done some extra crunches lately and made an extra effort to trim some money on groceries . Now that I think about it , I think that last one is more of a necessity than anything else . I guess the thought that people who raise their kids and go to school and work just like you and me can achieve some level of superhumaness ( that is a word created in our junior high class and I think it is appropriate here ) . ThePosted by Happy Friday ! Today was Samuel 's IPL ( Infant Pulmonary Lab ) and it finally happened ! It wasn 't as bad as I had expected . I had told my mom " the beatings will commence at 1 : 00 " . But there were no beatings . I woke Samuel up at 7 this morning and gave him a bottle before he couldn 't have any more milk . We played until about 10 : 20 , when we went to the grocery store . I figured getting him out of the house and doing something would be less painful . He fell asleep on the way to and from the grocery store , which , luckily , is only about 2 miles away . He TRIED to go to sleep on the way to PCH , which is about 20 miles away , but Kevin and I did everything we could think of to keep him awake : rolled the windows up and down , honked the horn , sang action songs , and even did the cold wet washcloth to the face , neck , arms and legs . If you have ever said to your child something like " One day you will WANT to go to sleep and I won 't let you ! " well , today was that day for me . Samuel has been fighting sleep for the past few days and today the roles were reversed . While it was funny some of the time , it wasn 't a party . In the end , I felt cruel . I felt like a terrible mommy . While at the store , he was really starting to get sleepy . I 've never seen him act the way he did there . He actually laid his head down on the shopping cart and closed his eyes ! Every fellow shopper commented on how sleepy he looked . However , the store employee must have thought I was crazy when I was crying in the baby food aisle . She said to me , " Boy , somebody looks sleepy ! " and I replied , through my tears , " I know and I 'm having a real problem with it . " Surely she was thinking " sheesh , lady ! just let him go to sleep ! " but thankfully kept her crazy mom comments to herself . After the morning , Samuel finally got to get some rest at 1 : 30 . To make sure he was sleeping soundly , the doctor gave him some medicine to make him relaxed and sleepy . He was out cold at 1 : 35 and the test started at 1 : 40 . It lasted for about an hour and we got results soon after it was complete . ForPosted by No , I 'm not running for office . But my mom and I made * some great grab bags for a contest . The more votes we get , the better our chances for some fantastic prizes ! So vote early , vote often . Pictures are below . Vote here . Thanks ! * I may have helped my mom a little . Not that she isn 't capable of doing something so wonderfully fantastic , I was just trying to be a good daughter since she has other things going on in her life . I love you mom ! It 's Thursday at the time of this posting and Samuel is scheduled for his 2nd attempt for a pulmonary function test tomorrow . If you are a faithful follower , you may remember we attempted this back in the spring with no luck . Samuel wouldn 't fall into a deep enough sleep for us to begin the test . We have a few tricks up our sleeve for tomorrow , such as awake at 5 : 30 and no naps . BUT for a fun - loving boy who doesn 't like naps anyway , this could perhaps be the best day of his life . This test is to provide us with a starting point . It will give us some baseline results for comparison in a few months and years . We know Samuel likes paper at the doctors office . Well , he likes just about any paper . This is just a cute video taken at the pediatrician 's office . . . before the 2 pokes . I got an e - mail yesterday . The subject was " culture results " . It might as well have said " We need to talk " . You know the feeling . You know you are supposed to read it and eventually face the music but are a little scared of what it might say . Well , after reading a few other e - mails , I worked up the nerve to open and read this : Hi Erica and Kevin , Just wanted to let you know that Samuel 's culture just grew a " scant " amount of Staph aureus . It is the normal staph that is on our skin , etc . Not the resistant kind . He has grown this in the past . No change in treatment . That wasn 't so bad . I was relieved to say the least . One more culture that we don 't have to worry about ! Thank you Jesus ! Now on to the fun stuff . Look what Samuel can do now ! Just who is teaching him all these moves ? Once he is standing up , and while Lucy is barking you can hear Samuel purr . He rolls his tongue all the time . Even when screaming , he rolls his tongue . I 'm glad I got it on camera . I 've also been asked to give more more more pictures . So here we go : Samuel , nosy Samuel , as his fate walks through the door : the girls who gives the " pokes " . Posing , I promise . Big muscles ! We took Samuel to PCH today for a follow up visit . He is 28 . 25 inches long and weighs in at 19 pounds , 9 ounces , just at the 50th percentile . This is a slight problem as the CF team would like to keep his weight up around the 75th percentile . To help pack the pounds back on , we are going to increase his calorie intake by making his milk more concentrate . It 's usually 20 calories per ounce ; we will make it 24 calories per ounce . Part of the issue is Samuel is sometimes too busy playing to eat so I am going to try to feed him more frequently throughout the day . Samuel has also been having a problem sitting still long enough for a breathing treatment . It wasn 't a problem when he slept most of the time because we could hold a mask to his face for 10 minutes with no problem . Those days are no longer . We are going to use a MDI , or inhaler , along with a spacer to give him the inhaled medicines . This will take much less time than before . He just needs to have the mask to his face for about 1 minute total and should be much more " doable " than before . Like the last visit , he enjoyed playing with the paper on the table , but was really interested in the cords on the wall . He was too little to understand he was sitting on the back of a hippo but we all agreed one day he will think that is so cool . The hypertonic saline study has been put on the back burner again for reasons I am not sure of . We were going to wait until Samuel began participating in the study to try to complete his pulmonary function test ( PFT a . k . a . IPL ) again . However , since we don 't know when that will be , we need to do the PFT soon . We will attempt to do this again in about a month , I would guess . We have to go visit everyone in Maryland and Virginia first ! Samuel will go back to PCH in 2 months , which I am sure will feel like 2 weeks . Just think , in 2 months , we will be preparing for his 1 year birthday ! But before birthdays and PCH , we go visit his pediatrition on Monday for a well - baby check . Well - baby = shots . Throat cultures at one place , shots at the othPosted by Already ! It seems like we were just at PCH yesterday . But we are going again tomorrow , Thursday . Samuel is doing OK and this is just a follow up visit as we have to check in every 2 months . I 'm not anticipating any problems except for his throat culture . I 'm sure he 's going to have some bugs in there . We 'll see what he grows this time . I will post again tomorrow with a summary of the visit . And hopefully something newsworthy will happen between now and then . Have a wonderful day ! Samuel is 9 months old today ! So what are we doing to celebrate ? Well , we went to Stroller Strides for the first time this morning . It was fun and Samuel enjoyed it . I have a week of free classes to decide what I 'd like to do and I 'm going to take advantage of it ! The class starts at 8 : 45 which is just about the time Samuel is starting his morning nap . He wasn 't too upset by that this morning . He just slept longer when we got home . Samuel has been up to lots , lately . I 'm not sure if I have mentioned it before , but he says da - da , ma - ma , he frequently sucks his thumb when there isn 't a binky around . He can pull himself up with minimal help , he can feed himself small pieces of food like fruit , cereal pieces , Baby Mum - mums ( yummy ! ) . When in his bed , he enjoys playing peek - a - boo with the bumper pad . His latest act : Yesterday we went to SanTan Village with the hope that Samuel could play in the water area they have for kids . It was a good idea but too many other people had the same one . It wasn 't a problem that there were lots of kids there but the breakdown started when the kids that were there could walk , talk , scream , shove , push and generally be bratty , selfish kids . . . not very good share - ers . I am taking him back tomorrow when I have a little bit more people power . We are planning a play date for our kids . It may surprise you to know I enjoy a good story about poo just about any time . Now , I have pictures to share , so be warned . Just poo , no booties . : ) Samuel loves the jumparoo . It 's nice to put him in there while I 'm in the shower because I can see him enjoying it while I 'm in the shower . This is usually how it works in our house , if I don 't shower while he 's sleeping . So when I got out of the shower the other day , I had to get the camera , for this is what I saw : Yes , it ran down the back of his leg and dropped on the floor where he stepped in it while jumping , pushing it down into the carpet . When I wanted to share with Kevin he said only me and Kate ( Kate Gosselin , of Jon & Kate plus 8 , who takes pictures of her chPosted by |
Nothing super exciting has been going on lately , that is why I haven 't posted in over a month . Brooke had her birthday , which was a blast ! She also got to trick or treat for the first time . Matt is still working long hard hours so the kids and I have been staying home so we can spend time with him when he is off . We took family pictures last week but they are top secret until after Christmas . We will be hosting thanksgiving here next weeks so i am getting ready for that . My 24th birthday is next Tuesday but it will be pretty low key with all the family out of town . Anyway , here are a few pictures of the kids , I just uploaded all of them for the past month . My little cheerleader ! She had this on for her b - day party but it was cold during trick or treating so she had to wear a jacket . . . she wasn 't too happy about that one . This was the day after her birthday , she is pretending to be a puppy : ) ! Bath time ! ! ! I love how focused they are on their toys . My little man hanging out of the bath tub . He loves bath time and even crawled in by himself the other day . . . good thing there was no water in there ! Much has been going on in the last week or so . Lots of unpacking and running errands . I have some pictures of the house and the kids on my camera , but the cord to my camera is still in one of the packed " office " boxes . The kids have adjusted wonderfully to the house and enjoy the freedom of being able to go anywhere they want . I am on the hunt for a sewing machine so i can start working on the curtains for the house . I haven 't done any sewing since my senior year but i was awarded student of the year for the home economics department , so hopefully i can pull of a few box pleat curtains . My dining room is half painted right now . I got some of it done yesterday while the kids were napping but I didn 't get a chance to finish today because there was cleaning to be done . Anyway my reason for this post is because I am loving the weather outside ! Me and the kiddos played out in front with the neighbors this evening and it was so nice . It feels like Christmas to me . Christmas to me means candy tins , peanut butter balls , chocolate covered pretzels and turtles . My mouth is watering right now and it is still two months away ! So I want to know if you have any special Christmas candy or cookie recipes you would like to share . I just hope these cooler temperatures stay around for a while . I will hopefully have the pics posted before the end of the next week . Well we are in the house , actually we got moved in on Friday . It was kind of crazy around here . The movers were about 6 hours early , our appointment was for late afternoon because that is all they had open and they called Thursday to confirm for 8AM . So I headed over there around 6 to get the last of the packing done . We also had the cable company , rooms - to - go and the people hanging the TVs in throughout the day . When we moved in we decided to put Brooke in her toddler bed . She is loving the freedom and we are finally getting used to it . The first day she didn 't even think about being able to get out of the bed , since then we have been playing her game . It has been getting better , she only comes out of her room once or twice each time she goes down . Maddux is loving the fact that he can crawl around anywhere he wants to go . The carpet was a very wise choice for us . I have already met several of our neighbors . The people across the street have an 18 month old little girl and the guy is a cop . The couple next to us have a 12 year old , a 3 year old and a 2 year old . So Brooke will have lots of friends to play with . I will have pictures of the house up when I get rid of all the boxes . Hope you are having a great week ! Brooke said her first sentence complete sentence today . . . I was upstairs changing Maddux 's diaper and she called from the bottom of the steps for me to come down . I told her I couldn 't come down right then and to go play with her daddy . She responded with a big " NO " , I asked " Why not ? " . At this point she was half way up the stairs and clearly not happy , " because daddy said bad girl to me . " Hahahahaha I could have died from laughter . I called to Matt and asked him why he called her a bad girl and he had no clue what I was talking about . We usually only use the terms " good girl , bad girl " when we are trying to explain why she is in time out . Any way , this is one for the books so I thought I would share it with you all . As of today she also has a new favorite word , people . She has started to point at everything and ask " what 's that ? " so when her daddy replied " people " to a picture in a book she was hooked . I am not sure she knows how to use it because when we were driving home from Wal Mart today she kept saying it and there were no " people " around . Everyone important in her life has a name and the ones she doesn 't know are boys and girls . When we tell her I am a girl and Matt is a boy she says " No , mommy and daddy " . How we all have names , be boys or girls and be people ? ? So confusing for such a small child . She is just now understanding that Bubbah and Maddux are one and the same . Brooke was a very lovely flower girl this weekend . She didn 't throw the petals but she was soaking up the spot light . We definitely have a little diva on our hands ! I will see if I can get some pictures , I forgot my camera in the rush of all that had to be done Saturday . There once was a time when life just crept by in the Ham household but these days it is going so fast I find it hard to keep up ! We are just 3 weeks away from the big move , and those weeks are sure to pass by quickly . My sweet , happy , precious baby boy is completely mobile . . . that kid can get from one side of the house to the next in a matter of minutes ! ! ! I thought I had my hands full before , I am in big trouble now ! As for Brookie Bear , well the " terrific " twos are in full swing and she has lost all sense of fear . She has found ways to climb on top of tables and counter tops , she knows what she wants and figures out a way to get it . We went to Katy Mills the other day for lunch with some friends , they have two little girls Megan , 3 and Ashley , 5 . Brooke absolutely loved hanging out with the girls . After eating at Rainforest Cafe we made a lap around the mall , this was the part that almost had me in tears ( and kicking myself for not having my camera ) . Brooke , Megan and Ashley were all holding hands walking through the mall . They were big girls leading the way . They could have cared less if we were behind them or not . Every time Brooke would get side tracked looking into a store the other girls would redirect her and they were on their way again . I know it won 't be long before she will be asking me to drop her off at the mall and not need me at all . As crazy as life may seem sometimes , I wouldn 't trade it for the world . I love to watch my babies grow and explore . I feel so blessed that I have such a great husband to provide for us and allow me to stay home with our kiddos . I would be devastated if I had to miss even one second of this . I know being a stay at home mom isn 't for everyone but in my heart of hearts I know that this is one of those things God made me for . Well I have a million and one things to get done today , I hope you are enjoying your long weekend . Oh yeah Rita , I got your message super late the other night , I am sorry your hair didn 't turn out the way you wanted it to . That is the beauty of hair , Posted by Today was Maddux 's 6 month doctors visit , it was a week late do to the doctor being booked solid for school physicals . Maddux is 24 inches tall and 17 . 5 lbs . The doctor said this makes him 90 % for height , 50 % for weight and 100 % perfect . . . but we already knew the last one . Maddux was really good up until shot time . He got 4 shots and one medicine by mouth . We have been cleared to start giving him some table foods along with his baby food , so tonight I am going to go get some biter biscuits to start him out . We have a few of these really cool net things that are like a paci but instead of a nipple it has a net . You put the food in it and he can gum on it without the worry of him choking . The first picture was taken at dad 's birthday dinner which was the day after his official six months and the second one was from today when we got home from the doctor . He is growing so fast ! ! ! In other news , our GC called today and gave us our closing day ! ! ! I am so excited to actually have a solid date ! It makes everything seem so much more real . We have one month and four days to get packed up , which sound like a lot of time but I figure I will pack a few boxes everyday during nap time so I don 't get overwhelmed . We have a few thing to get sent in to the lender for the mortgage but everything looks great from that end . Now I can start getting things in line for the move , such as setting an appointment with a mover , getting the electricity and cable scheduled for activation , etc . Is there anything you wish you would have gotten done early for your move or something you forgot you really needed ? I would really like to know , I seem to always forget things on the list that would have made the move go smoother . Last and probably least on the scale ( but still pretty high up on my list ) , I got my hair cut ! ! ! If you have seen my facebook in the last two days you will know this was a big ordeal . I have been wanting to cut my hair for a very long time now , but Matt wasn 't to sure about it because I have always had pretty long hair since weKelli H . Here are my two little jail birds . . . Mom got these outfits in Cali . Don 't they look so cute all ready for bed time ? ? This cute sibling affection quickly turns into this . . Brooke pushing away as soon as Maddux starts to grab her back ! But in the end we know she loves her brother . Here 's the cop with his inmates ! These picture were taken about a month ago but I just found them on my computer . . . I thought they were lost forever but apparently I just put them in the wrong file . I hope to get some new pictures tomorrow . I am getting so tired of having the same things every week for dinner , the menu rarely changes . it has gotten to the point where I don 't even enjoy cooking anymore . Do you have a favorite meal you would like to share ? It can be a quick meal or one that takes all day to prepare , I just want to mix things up a bit . So I have finally gotten a solid plan for one room in my house , Brooke 's . As with every other room , I was having trouble figuring out what I wanted to do . I knew I wanted it to be her retreat and something a little larger than life . I want her to enjoy playing in her room so that our living room doesn 't become the toy room . Right after Tammy 's shower mom mentioned having a quilt made for Brooke out of the left over fabric from the sugar and spice table cloths , this gave me the colors for her room . Although I love pink and I love chocolate brown I couldn 't figure out how I was going to paint the walls without either color overpowering the room . . . Tammy took the chair rail idea and I am not a copy cat , lol ! So this is what I ended up with . . . The pink chair was one of her Christmas presents that we will put in her reading corner . I found these two pillows at Home Goods today in the clearance aisle . I had already decided on green for the wall color but needed a way to bring it in , I think these will work nicely . The big green pillow has piping similar to the front pillow . These will probably lay on the floor with a few others that have not been found yet . These are two HUGE baskets we will be using as toy boxes . I was a little worried about it being overkill on the patterns since the quilt will have several different ones , but I am hoping these stay nice and organized in the closet so it shouldn 't matter anyway . This is a REALLY rough draft of a wall mural for her back wall , the background color will be green and the pink blooms will be a lighter pink ( I didn 't have the right color pencil ) . Now I need to find a projector to shoot it up on the wall , I don 't think I can draw free hand . The tree also won 't look so sparse , my hand got tired by the time I got to the bottom branches . I think I will get creamy white sheets and silky curtains . I am still debating if I will keep her doll house book shelf or put a low one under her window to make use of the space . Here is my big question , I really want to put one of those round tKelli H . Happy Birthday to my two men . Matt turns 24 today , I have been calling him an old man , he says he feels like one . Never in a million years did he think he would be married with 2 kids and be a police officer at this age . I guess I changed his plans ! Maddux will be 5 months old tomorrow , time sure does fly ! I love you two very much ! At this very time 3 years ago I was sitting at Chili 's with my parents and siblings enjoying my last meal as a single woman and a Goode . Since then it has been a whirlwind . Matt and I went into our marriage too young to even get a hotel room for our honeymoon , Matt 's mom had to make the reservations . We were both pretty much unemployed . Matt was tutoring and going to school and I was a nanny making $ 200 a week . Soon after we got back from our honeymoon God blessed me with a job that would provide Matt the opportunity to continue school and not have to work full time . Like most marriages there were still times when all we had left in the pantry was tuna and top raman , but I cherish those days . The only thing we could afford was to pick up Chick - fil - a and cuddle on the couch . In August we got our fur baby , Jessie . Matt got her for me so I would quit asking for a baby , but sure enough in February I found out I was pregnant with Brooke . We had always planned to have me stay home with our children so Matt set out to find a new job . In April he started the application process with HPD and it wasn 't until October when he finally started the academy . Just after our first anniversary we welcomed our nephew in to the world . Mom and Dad made the move out to Waller which shook my world , I cried like a baby cause we couldn 't just pop in for dinner anymore . It was a lesson in independence that I desperately needed . October 29th , 2007 Brooke was born , I had never felt such a outpouring of love deep inside until I saw her face . WE as a couple became WE as a family . We moved to our bigger apartment in December and things only got crazier from there . Matt 's schedule was ever changing and the academy took a toll on us all . I suffered from postpartum depression for a few months but thankfully we all made it out sane . Almost exactly 6 months after Brooke was born we got pregnant with Maddux . We knew we were going to need even more space so at the end of our lease we moved into mom and dads old house . What a blessing it has been , we hPosted by I have spent the last week or so trying to get things lined up for Matt and I to take classes this fall . . . it has been so confusing ! I have been in touch with people at both schools trying to figure out what I need to do to register , what classes we need and I am still praying I did our FAFSA forms correctly . I just remembered why I got turned off from going to school right after I graduated . We are making slow but steady progress . I have picked my classes for fall , they are waiting in my ' cart ' until we hear back about financial aid . I just started on Matt 's stuff today so he is supposed to have a meeting with the rep from Mountain State to find out which classes will transfer from UH . I was very excited after my meeting to find out that I get to start on all regular college courses except math . . . I was expecting much worse . I only have to take 2 math classes that are below college level , there are 4 total . Anyone who knows me knows I hate math and never excelled at it , I probably would have done better if I put forth more effort in high school , but you can 't change the past . So I am signed up for one of my math classes , Texas history and an intro to college type class . I haven 't declared my major yet but I am pretty sure it will be early education . I thought about going for interior design but teaching is more stable and I would have off most days the kids did . Anyway , that is what is new around here . . . adding more to our plate on top of new baby , buying a house , Matt becoming a trainer at work . . . I think I can handle it though ! I am finally posting pics from June . It was a busy month , I have 207 pictures in this months file . I erased a total of 1092 pictures from my memory card yesterday cause it was almost full . These first two are from our play date with Colton at the beginning of the month . . . Brooke loves Colton ! This one is of Matt and Maddux playing baseball on the XBOX360 . . . I thought it was so funny how into it Maddux was . This last one is of us at Brian 's graduation party . . . Brooke and Maddux were both napping . I am hoping to get a really good picture of all of us when we go to the beach next week but we will see how that goes . . . it is almost impossible to get everyone in the same place at the same time and have everyone looking at the camera . Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of officer Henry Canales who passed away last night . Anytime HPD loses an officer in the line of duty it is very hard on everyone . He is survived by his wife , 17 years old daughter and 15 year old son . Rest in Peace . Dad , All my life I have looked up to you , followed you around with a hammer or drill , I wanted to be your little side kick . You taught me to be respectful of others and myself . You showed me how to self reliant and not have to depend on other people to take care of me . You were the only one who could defeat me on Monday Night Raw nights in the Goode household . You were brave enough to teach me how to drive stick shift , even though I almost ran us through a brick wall in the suburban . You showed me how to just sit back and enjoy the quiet in a deer stand or fishing on the lake . You fell asleep sitting up on the couch when I had colic and in your arms was the only place I felt at ease . You showed me the " proper " way to mow a lawn and wash a car . You always greet me with a big hug and tell me I am beautiful ( even when it is obvious I have been up all night with one of the babies ) . I will never forget the weekend you let me " hang pipe " at Phoenicia or the countless evenings by the grill , talking on the porch swing watching the sunset . You constantly encourage me to do my best and succeed . You are always just a phone call away when my car won 't start or there is a strange dripping noise coming from behind the wall . You gave me my dream wedding and made me feel like a princess . Thank you for all of these things , mostly for always showing me how much you love me and letting me know I will always be your little girl . I love you dad ! Matt , You are such an amazing father to my children . You are a great provider for our family . I know it isn 't easy working 50 or 60 hours a week but you still carve out time to play on the floor with Brooke or change Maddux 's diaper . I know that we are your number one priority and I couldn 't ask for anything more . We love you so much and I hope we show it to you everyday so you never forget . I know I don 't say it enough but thank you for your many sacrifices . I love you babe ! We finally made it by the house with our camera . I was hoping to walk through and take pictures but we totally forgot that Matt 's days off are when other people are working , so no one in without a hard hat . Anyway , we got a few pictures from the front . . . to me it seems like this part should take the longest and since they are almost done with the framing we should be moving in next week , I know it 's not the case . We still have quite a ways to go . Still it is neat to see your house coming together in stages . We will have a walk through in 2 or 3 weeks after the electrician and plumber come out before they do the dry wall . Posted by Well we have had a busy month this past month . Brian ' graduation weekend we had to take Maddux to the hospital for a really high fever . By the time he got well it was time for Matt and I to head out to Port A . We had a great weekend together without the kids . We didn 't get to stay as long as we would have liked but Matt had to get back to work and we needed to let Billie get some rest before she headed back to work on Monday . It was really nice to reconnect with each other , we have both been so busy for different reasons and haven 't had much time for each other . Matt also enjoyed hanging out with my family , his work schedule prevents him from going out to Waller most weekends so he misses out on a lot . We mostly sat by the pool all weekend although we did sneak out for a late lunch just the two of us and I was treated to a pedicure ( something I haven 't done since Meagans wedding ) . We also went to the aquarium with Will but I think I prefer the one at Moody Gardens . All in all it was a good weekend , one of my favorite parts was the three and a half hour drive to and from where we had nothing to do but talk and it wasn 't two year old talk ! ! ! I sure did miss my kiddos though . When we drove into Rosenburg and I started to recognize stuff I got little butterflies in my stomach I was so happy to pick up the kids . The big smile Maddux had on his face when he heard my voice just melted my heart , kids are the greatest . Monday I went to visit Miss Tayler , she is so beautiful ! She is a mommas girl though , I don 't know how Tammy does it because that girl doesn 't want anything to do with anyone but her . I have spent much of my week so far purging our home of all the junk we don 't need anymore . It was kind of sad boxing up things like some of Brooke 's old stuffed animals but she never uses them and would be appreciated more at some other house . I am really bad about keeping stuff even though I know I will never look at it again so I am trying to break that bad habit . I have a few pictures of the kids I need to post but Maddux Posted by We had a big week this week My baby boy turned three months old this week . . . time flies ! Here he is in his big boy bouncy seat , he is holding up his head so well . Brookie Bear finally let me put her hair in a pony tail . . . I think she is learning it is a lot cooler off her neck . And we had Tammy 's shower . . . we took a belly picture at my shower but apparently we aren 't able to do that when one of us isn 't pregnant anymore , lol Doesn 't she look GREAT ! ! ! Only a few more weeks until Tayler graces us with her presence . I just hope she doesn 't come while I am on vacation ! Someone snapped this picture of Brooke while we were at the shower , she is starting to look more and more like a big girl and less like a toddler . I love my babies ! My family also had a stomach bug that daddy brought home from work . We went to the zoo last Tuesday with Aunt Meagan , Auntie and Davin , I didn 't get pictures because I am scared to take my camera somewhere it might get lost . Billie took off yesterday because they were having people working on their house so Brooke went over " to keep her company " . I got a lot done around the house . Matt started his new extra job this week so he is even more busy than before . I am trying to get my house totally clean before Friday so I can go over to Tammy 's house for a play date . This is for the four special moms in my life . There are many more that I love and have made an impact on my life but these ladies deserve a BIG thank you . Meagan , You are such a great mom . . . and sister . You work so hard and are always on your feet ( in heels no less ) I wish I could get as much done in one week as you do in one day . Davin loves you so much . Thank you for helping me be a better mommy to my kids and letting me rant and rave when I get frustrated . I am so thankful that you and I have been able to go through this side by side . I love you c - ster ! Tammy , I can 't say enough to express how blessed I have been to have your friendship . It isn 't always easy being a wife to a cop or a pregnant mother of a toddler / preschooler , you are the only person who knows exactly how I feel . Thank you for letting me text you at 2 in the morning to vent or helping me to see the light at the end of the tunnel or for fueling the fire when I am right ! lol . . . You are such a great friend , I couldn 't ask for better . I will always admire your strength and determination . I promise I will be by your bed to keep you company and make you laugh when Tayler is born . Love you girl ! Billie , Thank you so much for loving me like a daughter . You have come to my rescue countless times when I am dead tired and need some rest . You always drop everything to be a last minute babysitter just so Matt and I can have a night out . Thank you for coming to keep me company when I am lonely . These last three years we have shared many laughs , tears and yes even a little gossip . I couldn 't ask for a better mother in law . I love you ! Last and most of all . . . Mom , I could say thank you a million times and it wouldn 't be enough . You make me the woman I am today . You never realize how much your mother has done for you until you become one . Thank you for holding me even when I cried relentlessly through the night . Thank you for taking my hand and catching me when I fall . Thank you for waking up several time through the night to put cream on me when I had chickenpox . Posted by Well we went to the design center today to pick everything out . We got almost all of the upgrades we wanted . The only thing that I really wanted that didn 't fit our budget was hardwood floors through the house . We settled for tile in the wet areas and carpet in the rooms that will be used most by the kids . We figure the little ones will have the carpet worn out in about 5 or 6 years so at that time we can put the wood floors down . We got the new front loader washer and dryer which was a big must for me . I was very worried about making such final choices but Matt reminded me that it is our house , we can change whatever we want whenever we want to . Now I can start thinking about paint colors . We are going to just hire painters to come in after we close because the home builder wants to charge too much for doing each room a different color . It is a relief to know that stage is done . All we have to do now is meet with our contractor once a month to make sure everything is to our specs . There were so many choices but it helped that I had a good idea of what I wanted . The consultant was great because she ran the numbers for everything we wanted and from there we decided what was most important to keep . End of August is when we should be moving in , I can hardly wait . I hope everyone has a great weekend ! Happy Mothers Day ! I have gotten on my blog everyday since last Monday but when I sit down to post my mind goes blank . The only exciting thing that has happened was Saturday when we went to see Rent but mom already posted about that . Brooke went to the Dr on Wednesday for her 18 month visit , everything went well . She had to have 4 shots and a skin test . . . I am not sure what it was for , I hope that doesn 't make me a bad mom . I have been trying to keep the kiddos home this last week since that baby died here and Houston from the swine flu . Matt took off Saturday and Sunday night to relax . He stayed with the kids while I was at the play and we all had a lazy day on Sunday . We are going on Friday to pick out the stuff for the house at the design center . I am totally nervous about it , being that I have always been a renter I have no clue what my style is . I don 't want to get into the house and regret everything that I put into it . When I lived with my parents and finally got my own room , I painted it once or twice a year , beautiful bright colors . I would change my bedding and rearrange my furniture all the time . Now that it is our house I am scared to be that bold . I think it is a combination of wanting it to look like an adult space ( not a teenagers ) and wanting it to suit every ones taste that comes in . My mother in law likes a more traditional style , my mom has more of a country " lived in " style , Meg has a more contemporary style , I have . . . no set style . There is a great designer on HGTV named Angelo Surmelis , who 's blog I follow , a lot of his designs are very eclectic but in a warm welcoming way . If I could afford to hire him to do my house I would , but I am not going to kid myself . I have been looking at design magazines and cutting out things that catch my eye , but I don 't know how to bring it all together . I also have tried to figure out my style by my closet but most of the stuff in there is from pre marriage time when I was a teenager . My biggest worry is the kitchen and the bathrooms , you can easily change paint colors and accePosted by You know how in elementary school , when you did a good job and the teacher would tell you to pat your back , well I am patting my own back tonight . For the first time in a long time I have felt in control of my home and my life ! I straightened up yesterday before Tammy , Meg and Bri came over , so when I woke up this morning there wasn 't an overwhelming mess . I got Brooke set up with a glass of milk while I fed Maddux . When he was done he played on the play mat while I made some pancakes . After we finished eating we played a little bit and then laid down for a nap . We woke up around noon so Matt fed Maddux while I made some lunch , for the first time in a long time we ate at the table as a family . What a difference this makes , Brooke is much more calm . Afterwards I unloaded the dishwasher from the night before and washed what was in the sink . Brooke and I read some books while Matt played some video games then it was time for the kids and Matt to take an afternoon nap . I relaxed while the house was quiet . Maddux didn 't sleep long but I was still able to check my e - mail and pay bills with him in my lap . When Brooke and Matt woke up I got started on dinner . Brooke helped me pour the can of peas into the pot and stir the potatoes . She has become quite the happy helper in the kitchen . She even loves helping unload the dishwasher , her job is to put away all the Tupperware and hand me the silverware . While everything was cooking Brooke and I sat at the table and played with stickers , Matt and Maddux had male bonding time . We sat at the table again for dinner and when we were done Matt took the kids into the living room while I did the dinner dishes . I finished just in time to watch our shows at 7 . I got some laundry folded while we were sitting there . Afterwards Matt gave Brooke a bath while I picked up her room . After she went to bed Matt and I enjoyed a bowl of ice cream with each other and I fed Maddux . He just laid down with his daddy , I have to wake Matt soon so he can go to work . I just felt like everything worked toPosted by We have officially been approved for our loan . . . up until today we had only pre - qualified for it . We are very excited . It certainly was a tense week around here while we were waiting to hear the final word . The best part is that our monthly payment is going to be less than we had expected . Now all of the fun happens ! My baby boy rolled over for the first time yesterday ! I put him down on his tummy for his nap time and when I went to get him up he was on his back . I don 't know how he did it , I don 't think Brooke rolled over until she was around 4 months . I guess this means no more unattended naps on the couch for him . In other news Brooke is putting everyone on punishment . She spent 10 minutes trying to get Jessie to sit in time out , when she realized that wasn 't going to happen she put her favorite stuffed animal Joey on the time out chair . It was funny because she would be playing with him and all of a sudden she would say " No No Joey " and run over to the time out chair , turn her back on him for a few seconds , then pick him up and give him a big hug . I think he went to time out 4 times yesterday evening . I worried at first because she took him over there so many times but at least she gave him a hug when he got up . She also brought my cell phone to me and asked to talk to daddy , so I dialed his number and she talked to him for a few minutes and then he had to get back to work . Both of my babies are growing so fast , Brooke will officially be 18 months in 6 days ! Makes you stop and enjoy it while you have them this way . I wouldn 't trade staying home with them for any money in the world . Here are some more pictures I wanted to share . My little man is getting so big , I can 't believe it has been 2 months . Matt says he is beginning to look like Brooke but I still think he has my dads forehead and chin . Here he is laying on his play mat . Big sister keeps a watchful eye on Maddux . Here is my fur baby , Jessie Poo . . . Brooke loves her ( I 'm not sure if that love is mutual ) Brooke is a total Ham in front of the camera . . . nothing like her mommy : ) ! It has been over a week since my last post , one long crazy week . Easter Sunday the kids and I went over to my in laws house , while Matt stayed home for some shut eye . We had planned on doing an egg hunt for Brooke but it rained all morning . Instead I took Billie and Sarah out to the model home since neither had seen it yet , Billie loved it and Sarah was wanting one of the huge houses for herself . On our way home we stopped to take pictures in the blue bonnets , that wasn 't very successful either . Both kiddos were tired and Brooke was terrified of the cars driving by the field . We stayed home Monday and Tuesday , during nap time I was getting paperwork ready for the mortgage company . I was really regretting not unpacking those boxes when we moved in . We will only be here for a few more months so I just got what I needed and left the rest . Wednesday was Sarah 's 21st birthday so Billie and I took her out to eat with the babies . Thursday my mom and I went out to the house so she could see it , the cleaning crew was there so she didn 't really get to look at everything . I think she liked what she saw though . Friday morning Bri came over to watch the little ones while Matt and I went to the design center . Our appointment to pick everything out is next week . We only have 3 hours and they charge for any time over that so we wanted to get an idea of what upgrades we would be getting . That night Billie came over to stay with Brooke and Maddux while I went out for Sarah 's birthday party . I had tons of fun , Matt wasn 't able to go so I invited Cristina to come with me . Us moms showed those college girls up , they just sat there while we danced the night away . I guess when you don 't get out much you make the most of it . Saturday I met Bri and my cousins up at the mall , then went to mom and dads to celebrate Greek Easter with them . For the last three days I have been been trying to catch up on everything from sleep to chores to just hanging out with my babies . This week should be pretty relaxed , just sitting by the phone waiting to Kelli H . I am proud to say that Matt and I are owners of an empty lot ! Construction on the house will begin in the next few weeks . Matt went to look at the house yesterday and loved it as much as I did . he wanted to put down the earnest money right away but I talked him into waiting a day so we could talk about everything . We got up this morning and were even more sure about it than when we went to bed last night , so we drove out to the office and signed our contract ! We are on a lot that backs up to a baseball field and is across the street from the park . There are already 7 officers in the neighborhood . On or way out this morning we met one of the sheriffs and amazingly ran into a lady who 's son goes to Southwest Christian Academy . Billie used to tutor him . We are very excited about this next step in our lives . It was pretty nerve wrecking to write the biggest check of my life today , I can 't imagine what closing day will be like . Here are a few pictures of our lot . . . I will be out there often to check on the progress and will post more pictures as we go . This is the baseball field out back . . . We picked out the brick and trim colors today . We will go to he design center and pick out the interior things in about 2 or 3 weeks . Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement both on the home buying and Matt 's work . Love to all ! Matt really needs prayer right now . He has been getting so discouraged about work lately . He loves his job and works really hard , he has even been offered a brand new " shop " ( police car ) as a sort of reward for being proactive during his shifts . The only down side is that the media has been giving our boys in blue so much flack lately . We don 't get the newspaper so Matt reads articles on chron . com and the negative comments show how little appreciation people have for what they do . These men and women serve our city and put their lives on the line everyday and all anyone can do is point out the few bad situations that have occurred lately . It gives everyone on the force a bad reputation and no respect . It isn 't just strangers who feel this way but people we know as well . I think if people walked in their shoes for one day they would see how hard it is on not only these men but their families as well . Matt has been on the streets for a year now and I still worry about him . My biggest fear is that someone will come to my door at 3 in the morning and say that my husband has been injured or killed . I have told him that if it comes to it I would rather him shoot than get shot , of course we both hope that it never comes to that , but in the area he works in there is that possibility . Please just pray that the moral of not only Matt but all police officers will not be crushed by the things being said about them and the way people treat them . I know that there will always be people critical of them but hopefully they will be able to see past that and remember why they do what they do . This is the only way I know how to explain it . . . You have been dreaming of your wedding day since you were a little girl , now the day is fast approaching . You try on what seems like a million dresses . You have almost lost hope when the sales lady brings in one of her favorites . Looking at it on the hanger you can tell it isn 't really what you had in mind , but you decide to try it on to make her happy . You get help with the zipper and turn to look in the mirror . . . you begin to cry . This is the dress , you feel it . For the rest of the day you can 't stop smiling . It is all finally real and you can picture the rest of your life with your soon to be hubby . I got that feeling yesterday . Billie and I drove out to a new neighborhood we saw online to see what they had to offer . Matt 's time is so limited I wanted to make sure it would be worth him making the trip out there . We went into 3 beautiful model homes , they were either way out of our price range or a little too close to our max for my comfort . The kids were getting tired and hungry but I wanted to look at the last models before heading home , so Billie stayed in the car . I looked at the two two - story homes first , which were amazing ! ! ! They were my favorite so far . Then I decided to look at the one story , it was more towards the middle of our price range and figured it couldn 't hurt . As soon as I walked in I got THAT feeling . I walked through the rooms and I could picture this house with our furniture , our pictures , most importantly our family . I probably would never have looked at it if it weren 't so conveniently located next to the big houses . All I can think of is how perfect it would work for our family . It doesn 't have all the formals and play rooms that I had in mind but to be on the realistic side , there is nothing I dislike more than cleaning . . . fewer rooms would probably be best for me . The way the neighborhood is set up , no one has a neighbor behind them . Every lot backs up to a lake or a park . There are probably only about 20 houses complete so far and 5 of Posted by As I am sure everyone knows , looking at houses can be tiring and overwhelming . I thought if I started thinking about how I want to decorate my very first home it would keep me upbeat . I bought a few decorating magazines and started watching HGTV . I am addicted to that channel . Brooke watches her shows while I make breakfast and we eat but other than that every free chance I get it is on . I watch the shows about buying and selling houses , decorating indoors and out . The only problem is that now I want to take little things from almost everything I see and roll them into one . I think it will be even harder for me to settle on a house . I would really like an older ranch style home because they have so much personality and potential . But with older homes come the likelihood for major problems . I don 't want that ! I would love to build our own home but I am sure that it is way too expensive . I have found that most of the homes in Houston area are cookie cutter , it may not be the same as your neighbor but you can bet someone else on the street has the some floor plan . Why can 't you have the best of both worlds ? Newer and pre built with lots of personality and charm . I am sure I will walk into a home and fall in love with it when we actually start touring the houses . . . pictures online just don 't do them justice . I hope to take Easter pictures of the kids this week . . . weather permitting . It has been a while since I have blogged , a combination of not knowing what to say and not really having anything to say . I have noticed that no one I " follow " has posted anything new lately either . I guess everyone is on break . The kids are all doing well , Maddux is totally out of his sleeping stage and keeping me busy . Brooke is learning a new word everyday it seems like , today she came up to me and asked for a banana . . . it is nice to know exactly what she wants and not have to deal with crying as much . Jessie had a friend over the other night , Ziggy is her best friend . They spent all evening out in the yard running around . Matt has been working a lot , in fact he is leaving for overtime in an hour or so . Meagan and I went to see Les Mis on Saturday , I wasn 't a huge fan but it was nice having a girls night out with my sister . . . Ms . Robin , you will be happy to know I almost finished my margarita at dinner ( I don 't think I can keep up with the grandmas but I am working on it : ) ! I have to go get dinner out of the oven but I hope to see some new posts this week ! Have you ever had so many things going on in your life that you can 't even think straight ? It is taking everything I have to not retreat to my room and sleep until everything clears up . We are trying to get ready to buy a house , keep our current house in decent enough condition for the real estate agent to show it , keeping the kids occupied ( Jessie being home has helped with that ) and trying to reconnect with my hubby . They aren 't lying when they say buying a new home , or having a new baby put a strain on any marriage . . . we are doing both . It 's not that we are fighting , we don 't have time for that . We just miss talking to each other and being able to hang out . He is working a ton of overtime and when we do talk it is about stressful things like filling out loan applications or calling the insurance company to make sure Maddux is covered . Our opposite schedules don 't help things . . . I thought I would get used to Matt having night shift by now . We are in agreement that it is all in God 's hands but at the same time God helps those who help themselves . . . we aren 't going to wake up one morning and be in a new home . I guess all we can do is keep on keeping on , it is only a season . I said I wanted to become more dependant on God and He is seeing how serious I am about that . It is so beautiful today ! Not anything like this past weekend . The sun is out , there are birds singing and it is warm enough to wear shorts . This is the most exciting because I still can 't fit in my blue jeans very well but I can wear my shorts from last summer . I still haven 't been able to join a gym yet , we are waiting to see where we will be moving to in the next few months . Until then I will continue chasing kids and walking when it is nice enough outside . Today I will be doing my walking indoors unfortunately , we are in need of a wal - mart run and those are never quick . At least pushing the cart will help work out my arms . I guess I should go wake up my brood so we can get going . I hope you are enjoying your day ! Just be forewarned , I will probably not make much sense of this post as I can not repeat the entire sermon from today , but I will try my best to explain the things that stuck out in my mind most . . . with out writing a novel . So I went to Riverpoint today , they had a great worship service that led into one of those rude awakening sermons . . . you know the ones that you need to hear but don 't want to ? The Sermon came from 1 Samuel when Saul became jealous of David and sent out his men to kill David . God said he would deliver Saul into David 's hands and let him decide what to do . So we are in a scene where Saul is in a cave " taking a leak " ( as the pastor ever so gracefully put it ) and David sneaks up and cuts a piece of his robe off . When David went back to his men he felt bad for doing so and told his men that no one was allowed to harm him because , even though Saul was trying to kill David , Saul was still his master . I am sure you have heard the story , moving on . Even in the midst of his life being in danger , David saw God and trusted his will . He showed mercy to a man who surely wouldn 't do the same for him . My troubles are so much smaller than David 's and yet how many times do I forget the things he has promised me and screwed up . How does David keep from letting fear get the best of him ? He could have easily killed Saul and been able to go back home and stop hiding . . . but he knew the things God had in store from him and let God take care of Saul . David doesn 't use God as his way to become king , becoming king is part of his journey following God . Do I use God as a means to get to the end I have planned ( my goals in life ) ? I want my ultimate goal in life to be to follow Him , and just let life happen . I am far from this point and I am only human . I know it will take a lot more work and dedication than I have probably ever put into my relationship with God but I am willing to work . Two things the pastor said that I think I will use to help me with my journey : Don 't just try to cope with difficult times , grow from them . Posted by We went out to mom and dad 's today for their 4th annual company crawfish boil . This is one of the events we look forward to all year , good food and good fellowship . It was wet and cold but we still had fun . Brooke and Davin were soaked cause they wanted to play outside where it was sprinkling , we couldn 't keep them in the tent ! We were tuckered out by the time we got home . . . Matt , Brooke and I missed the afternoon nap that we depend on these days . Hopefully Brooke will sleep all night . She has been running a fever for the last few nights so she hasn 't been sleeping very well . She seems to be a lot better today so the odds are in my favor . I am going to church with Matt 's mom tomorrow morning , which I am very excited about . I hate going by myself so I haven 't been in a while . Brooke really loved Sunday school last week which really got me thinking that I need to get her in church now . I know she doesn 't know the difference but I want her to grow up with the Christian values my parents instilled in me . I am hoping that if I have Billie to go with I will be more consistent in going . I also want to get plugged in somewhere . I really loved our old church but I didn 't feel like I was plugged in anywhere . They have a great newlyweds group but I was normally the only one without my spouse there , and as a stay at home mom I didn 't really fit with the college and career group . Billie 's church is a little bigger than our old one so I am hoping to meet some other young mothers . I guess I will report on it tomorrow or Monday . I wanted to post a few pictures of Brooke in her new tent . Posted by |
Thankfully her name wasn 't the only name called , but she barely recognized the other names , and the one she did recognize , she couldn 't stand . As she walked slowly to the office and through the clear door , she looks being the desk at a short , chubby woman typing on the computer . She looks up from her work and greets Cheyenne with a small smile . " Hello . Cheyenne correct ? The principal will see you in just a moment , " she says turning back to her computer . Cheyenne sighs and takes a seat on a hard chair seated by the door and waits as she sees a familiar face walk through the office door . She turned her head and held in puke as she saw Nathan Douglas flop down into he seat next to her . She jumped slightly at the wooden chair creaking and the brush of his arm touching hers . Cheyenne pulled her arms into her lap and crossed her legs , waiting for the principal to come out of his office . Nathan had just woken up from his nap during his last class only to be called up to the office for most likely skipping school a few days prior . Stretching he looked around at the clock and then his classmates who all had smirks planted on their faces . The notorious Nathan Douglas back up to the principle 's office once again . He stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulder , strolling out of the class with not a care in the world . As Nathan walked down the hall towards the principle 's office he wondered what exactly the man Mr . Samson was gonna say . He didn 't do anything serious to get suspended ( although he wouldn 't mind ) and he didn 't " Not " do anything because he was being called to the office . Making it to the office Nathan plopped down on the chair in Principle Samson 's office and waited . When a girl walked into the office Nathan looked up and raised his eyebrow . He had seen her around before . Cheyenne was her name . What in the hell was she doing in the principle 's office ? She was too good for that . As soon as Cheyenne sat down Mr . Samson walked in and plopped down rubbing his bald head and staring down at Nathan . " Well Nathan it seems like your in my office once again . Tsk , such a shame you know . It 's hard to believe that you are related to Kevin " . Principle Samson shook his head before smiling over at Cheyenne and Nathan cursed under his breath and looked away . " Well Cheyenne I must start out by saying you are not in trouble by any means . This has to do with your honors program . It seems that you are short and in order to get that scholarship then you will have to tutor Mr . Douglas here " . Nathan 's jaw dropped and before he could even protest Mr . Samson was back at it . " Listen here Nathan your grades are average but your failing math and at the rate your going your going to fail the class which means no graduation . This isn 't a choice you are to go to the tutoring and I don 't care where it is . I expect you to pass the class with a B + . I don 't expect higher but then again I 'd like to be proven wrong . You two better get acquainted . , Dismissed . Nathan made a sound of disgust and then walked over to the door and Mr . Samson 's voice stopped him . " You think Kevin would be proud of your behavior ? " . Nathan didn 't even look back but out the office and down the hall to head to his car . Cheyenne knew that there was no point in arguing with the principal , especially because he had already left his office . Cheyenne quickly jumped up and raced out the office doors , and towards the back of Nathan 's head . " H - hey . Wait a minute , " She called after him . " We need to talk , " she says slowly , standing a few feet behind him as he opened his car door . Cheyenne watched him look back at her and then drive away like the jerk he was . She groaned and threw her hand up in the air before she started walking down the empty sidewalk and towards her small house . As Cheyenne walked through the gate to her backyard , she climbed up a tall tree beside her bedroom window and slowly slipped her window up . As she slid her tiny body through the window , she tossed her backpack and books on her neatly made bed and sat at her desk . When Cheyenne got nervous , she often turned to music or writing . In this case , which she was more stressed and worried than she had ever been before , she turned to both . Slowly turning her radio up , she tapped her foot to a familiar song and began writing in her journal . She couldn 't believe that she had gotten stuck with Nathan ! Of all people that she could 've had to tutor , it had to be him ! She never understood why he acted like he did . He had money and fame and was popular with the school and the town , then all of a sudden he started acting like like a complete jerk and doing things just for attention . Even though Cheyenne didn 't understand him , she didn 't judge him . She knew that she didn 't know him , so maybe something had happened . Nathan was already at his car and inside it when little miss sunshine called out to him . He simply looked at her and then drove off too pissed off to even speak . How could principle Samson bring up Kevin in front of Cheyenne , yet alone compare him to Nathan . Just the mere thought made his hands tighten around the wheel as he pulled into the driveway of his house . The first thing he noticed was his mom 's car in the driveway which meant she was home for a few days before leaving again to work . Ever since Kevin died his mother poured herself into her work which meant barley coming home . I guess that was the plan , anything to forget Kevin . His father cut back on the excessive working and actually began to accept Kevin 's death unlike his mother . Nathan and his dad did become closer . Nathan climbed out of the car and into his house . The first thing he did was look up at the last family picture they had took two years ago . It was his parent 's smiling , actually happy and Kevin with that bright smile of his and his arm around my shoulder as I smiled in that picture too . Nathan shook his head of the thoughts and walked upstairs to his room and closed the door behind him . Kevin wasn 't just his older brother but his best friend and when he died a part of Nathan did too . The next morning Nathan groaned as his alarm clock woke him up . He rubbed his eyes turning off hid clock before taking a shower and getting dressed . His mother was downstairs talking to his father and they actually sounded happy . He missed that , being happy . He greeted his parents and then ate his mother 's breakfast quickly before getting his car and driving to school . As soon as he pulled up to the school Principle Samson was standing on the steps . Nathan groaned and climbed out the the car hoping that for once in his life Principle Samson would let him get through the school day in peace . Yeah right . " Mr . Douglas pull up your pants and please make sure you attend all your classes today . I hope that you and Cheyenne came up with a good study time , but knowing you I don 't think so therefore you shall be meeting Cheyenne after school in the library . Have a good day " . Cheyenne dressed into a pair of dark skinny jeans and a turquoise shirt before letting her brown hair fall down below her shoulders . As she walked to school with her backpack on her shoulders and her books in her hand , she saw Principal Samson waiting on the steps , talking to Nathan . Cheyenne rolled her eyes and continued walking up the steps just Nathan walked into school . " Wait . Principal Samson I have things to do . I can 't just drop everything and help him study today , " cheyenne argues . The tall thin man looked at cheyenne shocked . Yeah , Cheyenne wasn 't someone that tends to argue with people , but she did have things to do and she wasn 't going to sit around in a library for two hours while Nathan refused to work with her . " Well I 'm sorry to inform you but you are indeed helping him study today whether you like it or not . If you would prefer , I could call your father and ask him if he is okay with you tutoring , but you have to get your hours in . If you don 't before the end if the year , then you 'll have to go to summer school and you won 't be eligible for the solar ship , " Principal Samson said with a small smirk showing on his face . Cheyenne took a deep breath and let it out before she nodded slightly and walked past the principal . Sure , she didn 't want to stay after school to help some guy that was rude to everyone , but she didn 't want to have to stay home next year with her father either . Cheyenne simply walked past all the lockers until she came across her first hour class and walked in , sitting in the far front corner and waiting for class to begin while she thought . Sure , she got there quite a bit early , but it gave her plenty of time think things through about Nathan . Nathan made sure he attended all his classes for the simple fact that he didn 't want Samson on his case to bother him with more of his nonsense . He didn 't really pay attention in class because it was boring but because he knew what was going on . Nathan knew that Principle Samson was not fooled by his lack of focus and slaking in his classes which his why he was putting him in tutoring just to prove his own high and mighty point . The last class of the day was math and Nathan had no problem falling asleep . The sound of the bell woke him up and he groaned before grabbing his backpack to head out the school . He stopped midway to the door only to remember that he had to meet up with Cheyenne for tutoring . He made his way into the library and looked around briefly until he spotted the girl . He plopped down in the chair across from her and took out his notebook , pencil / pen , and math book . Removing the hood off his head Nathan looked at the girl and then down at his phone to check the time . She was cute , he 'd give her that . " Look neither of us wants to be here so lets get this over with . I 'll try to to me much of a nusince " . A smirk formed on Nathan 's lips as he twirled the pen between his fingers . Cheyenne jumped slight as the young mad sat down in the chair across from her . She looked up to meet his eyes and quickly looked back down embarrassed . " Okay . Um , so what do you not understand about math ? Anything specific or just everything in general ? " she asks opening her math book . Cheyenne bent over slightly to dig in her back for her notebook , pen , and calculator . She flipped to the first lesson and started writing down an equation . She turned the paper around and slid it in his direction . " Try this problem and see what you need work on with this , " the brunette says pulling her hands back into her lap . Cheyenne simply tapped her foot against the floor and chipped at the blue paint on her fingernails . She waited patiently as Nathan concentrated on the equation . Nathan watched as Cheyenne wrote down an equation and all he could think about was the party that was supposed to going on later at Jimmy Foulker 's house . He was the party king and his ex - girlfriend Trisha Wells was the queen . Those two together through the most intense parties with unlimited weed and drinks , and excitement that anyone could ask for . Everyone was invited to Jimmy 's parties including the lamest of the lames , it was a party for everyone , and I mean everyone . I picked up my pencil first examining the problem and as quick as Cheyenne passed the paper to him he returned it with the answer . Principle Samson knew that Nathan used to be an honor 's student with not only athletic potential but academic as well . He used to tell Nathan not to throw away such talent but things happen . Nathan smiled slightly at Cheyenne and then leaned back in the chair . Tutoring was definitely not needed . He slacked in class and then passed his major test just to keep his grades just above failing . His mother wasn 't home to lecture him and his father didn 't bother him , just as long as he was planning on graduating and going off to college . Nathan ran his hands through his hair and then eyed the girl . She was cute , really cute now that he got a good look at her which was shocking . He thought Samson would put him up with some four - eyed freak but nope , the guy gave him pure and utter temptation . He was somewhat surprised that he never saw her around with guys because he had seen a few guys looking at her . Nathan figured she was the daddy 's girl with her nose in her book . That was gonna have to change . " You want to come to a party with me ? Its Jim 's party and everyone is invited , you look like you could use the relaxation " . A grin formed on his lips and he leaned forward slightly . " How about this you give me your hardest problem and if I get it right then i 'll sit here and be bored to death but if I get it right then I take you to the party and give you the best night of your life " . Nathan smiled before leaning back into his chair to resume twirling the pencil in his hands . Cheyenne looked over the problem and kind of looked confused at first . Why had Samson made her tutor him when he could do a problem like that in just a minutes time ? It took her longer than that to solve that problem . She sighed and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she looked back up at Nathan . " Um . . I 'm N - not a big fan of parties , " she says stuttering a little . She listened to him all as he kept leaning closer , making her slowly lean back . " You know what ? Okay . Fine . If you get it right then I 'll go for maybe thirty minutes , but if you get it wrong then we have a few more hours of studying to do , although you don 't seem like you need it , " she says confidently . Nathan grinned at her confusion and then made a slight beat with his hands and the pencil before releasing a sigh . The library was somewhat empty except for a few students studying , some just to hang out which Nathan didn 't quite understand and then the librarian who glanced up from her books a few times just to check ad make sure nothing was going on before looking back down at her book . When Cheyenne looked down in her math book to find him a problem and slid the book over to him Nathan stared at the problem for a few moments . " Well i 'm impressed you gave me a problem that actually requires me to use my brain a bit " . He looked over the problem showing some of the work before a small smirk formed on his lips and he began answering the problem . When Nathan was finished he slid the paper and book back over to Cheyenne with a victory look on is face . " Well looks like me and you have a party to attend " . Nathan stood and then slung his backpack over his shoulder and then headed over to the door . " Were taking my car " . As Nathan walked down the hall principle Samson exited his office . The principle looked at Nathan and raised his eyebrow . " Where do you think your going ? Is your tutoring over ? " . Nathan slung his arm around Cheyenne and kept on walking . " Yeah well were heading to a new place to study , don 't worry Sammy you will get your A . . . erm I mean B + " . Nathan didn 't have to look back to sense principle Samson 's frown from down the hall . When they reached his car he unlocked the car doors an walked over to the passenger side to open the door for Cheyenne . Guess old habits die hard . He climbed into the drivers seat and then drove off the school lot and towards Jimmy 's house . He could hear the music playing as he pulled up to the guys house . Tons of people from school were there and Nathan smiled . This was going to be great . " Okay princess what time do I have to get you home to your parents ? You don 't have to do anything you don 't want to . I 'm sure you have friends here anyway so just lighten up for once and have fun " . Cheyenne flinched slightly and pulled her small body away From Nathan as he slung his arm around her . She took a deep breath and shook her head , not believing what she had gotten herself into . As he opened the door for her Cheyenne slid into the seat slowly and buckled her seatbelt . " Um , no don 't worry . I can just walk home , " she says getting out of the car slowly . She shuts the door behind her and walks towards the huge house . She looked around as people danced to the songs and drank beer . She could see a few people in a far corner smoking . She walked by each one as people walked around already drunk and splashed beer and other alcohol onto her clothes . " For some reason I don 't think I 'll be relaxing here , " she mumbles quietly . The brunette turned around and saw a few people she recognized that had bullied her walking towards them . She turned her back to them and groaned , knowing at that instant that she had made a mistake ever coming here . Nathan shook his head at Cheyenne 's comment . " Nope I 'm driving you home and there 's no and if or buts about it " . He was waving over to one of his close friends who was bringing him over a cup to drink . It was only after he received the cup that he looked over at Cheyenne to check if she was behind him when he noticed her facial expression as three girls made there way over to them . Amber , Rachel , and Destiny the trio . They smiled warmly at Nathan as Nichole wrapped her arms around his waist . " So Nate I thought you were never going to show . Whats with her ? " . Nichole snickered motioning over to Cheyenne as Amber and Rachel eyed the girl . He shook his head before moving a step away from Nichole which resulted in her making a pouting face . " Look she 's with me so play nice , whats your problem with her anyway ? Mad cause all the guys gawk at her and she dosen 't notice while you guys flaunt your goods to get some " . Nathan wasn 't smiling anymore and the girls knew he wasn 't either . " Oh whatever Nate , your just mad cause you stuck in your brother 's shadow , your hot but Kevin was hotter . Too bad he 's gone right ? " . Nathan sucked in a breath and then grabbed Cheyenne 's hand leading her through the crowd to that he could get a much needed drink . After chugging down a few shots he turned to Cheyenne . " Look im sorry you had to be there for that , look I know this isn 't your thing so if you wanna go we can leave " . Nathan sighed and then ran his hand through his hair before shoving his hands into his pockets . This was supposed to help him forget and now all he could do was think about Kevin . " No it 's fine , " she says shyly , sitting on a chair . " I 'll be fine . I don 't live far from here so I 'll just walk or get someone else to drive me if I really want to leave , " Cheyenne says looking around at everyone . " And thanks by the way . You didn 't have to do that . " The small brunette twisted in her chair as she looked around people drank , danced , made out , smoked , or snorted . She sighed and tried to take in what a real high school party was . Although everyone in her grade had gone to one every year , this was the very first one she 'd been to . Cheyenne nibbled on bottom lip against as she searched for other people and tried to stay out of people 's way . She turned back towards Nathan 's direction and found him gone . Cheyenne jumped up and looked around , unsure of what to do now that he had left . Sure , she knew that he was the party king and wouldn 't want to stick around with her , but she just didn 't expect him to just walk away . Figures , I mean , he was Nathan Douglas for crying out . What else could she expect ? Cheyenne knew right then and there that she had one of two choices : she could leave the party right now and go home to get yelled at by her father for having alcohol spilt on her shirt , or she could stay at the party , maybe even losses up a little , and have a drink . Cheyenne thought for only a small second before she shrugged slightly and took a small drink of beer from a cup and spitting it back out . It was one of the nastiest things she had ever tasted . She took a small breath and tried it again , this time finishing the cub in one gulp and grabbing another , not caring what her father had to say or do about it anymore . Nathan went from being right next to Cheyenne to being in the hectic crowd of wild teenagers dancing like there was no tomorrow . He drank a few more before chatting up with a couple of his good friends and acquaintances . It was only after a short while did he realize that he needed to figure out where Cheyenne was . He knew that the whole party thing was not her scene and god knows what she was doing or where she had wondered off too . He moved through the crowds carefully eyeing everyone and also trying not to get distracted in the process . Nathan made his way to where they once were together and spotted her chugging down some beer on after another . Nathan squeezed through the crowd and then gently removed the cup from her grasps with a smirk on his face . " So miss innocent can hold down a drink ? Look your my responsibility since I brought you here . God knows the punishment Samson would give me if I brought you home and your dad finding you drunk off your ass " . Nathan wasn 't really the one to judge but in this case he was doing them both a favor . He chugged down the rest of the liquid in the cup and then placed the cup down , this time he grabbed her hand ad lead her outside the house and past Amber , Nichole , and Rachel who for once didn 't have anything smart to say . He walked down the marble path and then stopped . Fresh air was definitively needed . He knew those two drinks that she took did nothing for him but to her it probably would have her tipsy . " Look you need to get some fresh air and Im gonna give you some water " . Nathan jogged back into the house momentarily before returning with two cold bottles of water . " Here drink this " . " No , " she arguing stubbornly . " Your not my boss and I don 't gotta listen to y - you , " she says pushing the water back into his hands . She sighed and laid down in the cold grass and stared up at the stars as she let everything race through her mind . She was mad but at the same time she was sad and hurt . It felt like every feeling she had ever felt just wanted to explode back in her face right at that moment and she had no idea what to do . Cheyenne surprisingly didn 't feel sick , but she could still taste the disgusting liquid on her tongue and lips when she nibbled on it . " You need to not touch me or talk to me . Because your a jerk , " she says slowly , saying every word in her head before speaking aloud . " You act all tough and big but your not , " she pokes his chest with her finger and then gives her finger a weird look . She lays back down and spreads her arms and legs out . " You know what ? I hope my dad does see me like this . I 'm going home , " she says standing up . As Cheyenne starts to walk down the side walk towards the direction of her house , she stumbles a little and almost falls but regains her balance . She mumbles under her breath and continues walking a little ways before she stops . She takes a look around and sees the house were the party was just a little ways from where she was , and noticed that the road was empty . She smiled slightly and stumbled out to the road as the alcohol began to kick in more and more with every breath . Cheyenne sighed and stood in he middle of the road and laid down , laying her legs out , and laying her arms to her sides . " You know something ? I feel funny , " the brunette giggles as she turns her head to look over towards Nathan . " Look watch this , " she says poking her cheek . She giggles more and stares up at the sky , her smile disappearing and she goes quiet . " I miss nights like these . It 's so quiet and peaceful . I use to take a lot of pictures of the stars with my mom , " she says softly to herself , forgetting that Nathan was beside her . Cheyenne yawned a little and hiccuped before she turned her head over and closed her eyes . When she opened them again she saw Nathan staring at her . " What ? " Nathan groaned in frustration , she was not helping the situation one bit . Now it was Nathan who regretted bringing her in the first palace . In his mind she was going to come loosen up and have a good time but not get semi drunk and want to drag herself home so her father could blame him . " You need to not touch me or talk to me . Because your a jerk , You act all tough and big but your not , " . He frowned and then looked over where the sound of laughter and utter fun was going on . She was right he did put on a tough act but the one thing he wasn 't was a jerk . When Cheyenne began walking down the road to her house Nathan was almost tempted to let her so he could see the look on her father face but she was a vulnerable underage drunk girl and Nathan was positive that there would be guys who were not as nice as him waiting for an open opportunity to get at her . Nathan 's jaw dropped as he watched the girl lay in the middle of the road . She must be crazy . He shook his head and walked over to her slowly trying to contain his laughter . He kinda liked the drunk her . She let her guard down and she wasn 't so shy , she was bold . As she began talking it was only then that Nathan realized that something must have happened with her mom and if he was right then she was probably no longer with Cheyenne . Nathan helped Cheyenne off the floor and then held her up so that she could re - gain her balance . " Look I know how it feels to loose someone you love . I lost my brother two years ago to some drunk driver when we were on our way to our house to celebrate us winning the state championship . He was about to go to a great college and play for the NFL but instead he 's dead and the drunk drivers alive in jail . I looked up to Kevin and we did everything together from games , sports , working out . It still hurts ya know ? Everyone just expected me to live in his footsteps and continue to play football but I couldn 't . I stopped caring about a lot of things after that . . I couldn 't carry that weight . " . Nathan sighed and ran his hands through his hair before placing them in his pockets . " Look don 't go home drunk okay ? When you sober up your going to regret it . And its my fault for even bringing you " . " Don 't say that . I won 't regret anything , " she says pushing away from him and stumbling back a little . She regained her balance quickly and turned around and continued walking towards her house . As she tried to relax her body and sober up like she wanted to , she began thinking about what he had said and wondered if she would remember it tomorrow when she was sober . As Cheyenne stumbled up the steps of her house and walked inside , she was greeted with a loud slap to the face as her drunken father saw that she was also drunk . " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? " he asks angrily . She stepped back and gave him a dirty look before stumbling up her stairs . As she lifted her foot up to take another step , she felt her weight get pulled out from under her as her face collided with the floor and she felt the blood spewing in her mouth where her lip had busted . Cheyenne quickly stumbled up the stairs and slammed her door shut and locked . She walked to her mirror and wiped at her bloody lip as she heard her father banging on the door . As Cheyenne felt herself get dizzy , she laid on her bed and fell asleep , the next morning remembering nothing . Nathan sighed as he watched Cheyenne proceed towards her house . It was like everything he just said went into one ear and then out the other . He grunted obviously frustrated he headed back to the party to continue to have a good time and get that girl off his mind . When Nathan was tired of the party and he was drunk off his ass , he asked his friend Ralph to drive him home . His parents were obviously sleep which was a good thing so he didn 't have to hear his mother 's concern followed by a lecture and then taking blame to his father who knew he smoked and drank . He quietly entered the house and closed the door behind him and headed upstairs and passed out on his bed . The next morning he woke up with a slight headache and groaned before dragging himself into the shower and then taking some meds for his head . Nathan greeted his father whom was sitting in the living room watching a football game and Nathan noticed that his mothers car was gone . Off to work like always . Grabbing his backpack Nathan got in his car and drove to school . When he got there all he could hear was the talk of the party and how fun it was and all that jazz . The party was fun but next time Jim was going to have to throw a party on a Friday . Principle Samson was on the steps as usual and Nathan groaned in annoyance but to his surprise Samson just nodded his head and walked over to talk to a student . Nathan walked into the school and then sat down and waited for the bell to ring . He was exhausted and today he was planning on sleeping in class . The party was still kicking in him . Cheyenne slowly walked down the stairs and held her head in her hands as she looked around and saw that her father had left already . Sighing she walked don 't the bathroom and took a cold shower . Afterwards she changed into a pair of jeans and a tank top , she pulled on a jacket and took some medicine for her headache . As she looked in the mirror she saw a bright black and blue bruise forming on her cheek and her lip was swollen a little from the night before . As Cheyenne looked for her makeup and not finding any to cover her bruise , she pulled her hood up on her jacket and walked out of the house . As she got to school she sighed and walked past Nathan with her head down to hide the bruise and sat in the far corner . She knew she had gotten to school early so It would at least be fifteen minutes before the teacher got to class . Cheyenne kept her hood up until one of the jock guys walked over to her and flipped it off , pulling back as it pulled on her neck . She pulled it back against her and tried to keep from tears spilling down her face as she ignored them and looked out the window and towards the woods . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . 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On Saturday morning , my husband had to go out with the Boy Scouts Troop and collect food for a local food bank . He came home at around 9 am , so I was ready to get up and go running . My husband then announced that he wasn 't done yet , and had to go back , and would be home around 10 : 30 am . I was already hungry by this time . I figured I would be starving by 10 : 30 and running while starving would not be too conducive to the run . Therefore , I decided to make myself an egg and turkey bagel w / hummus . I also made some eggs for my children . Eggs have quickly been becoming a favorite around here . It is a tasty , cost - effective protein : ) My husband was 30 minutes off when he gave me his estimate on returning home . He got home much closer to 10 am , than to 10 : 30 am . I like to get my runs done as soon as possible . I don 't like to give myself time to talk myself out of going for a run . When he arrived home , I went upstairs and changed into some running clothes . It was a bit cooler than it had been on recent runs , so I put on a jacket , my ear warmers and some mittens . I told my husband I would be home in about 40 minutes . As soon as I stepped out of the front door , I turned on my stopwatch and off I went . I was feeling really good . I love getting my run done in the morning . It frees up the rest of my day to do whatever it is that I feel like doing . As I ran , I enjoyed the brisk cold air . I was very happy that I had on my mittens and ear warmers . I wouldn 't have enjoyed it so much without them . I am not a fan of being cold . I continued my run to Center Street . There is a small incline as you run up Center Street . You wouldn 't notice it if you are driving , but it is definitely there . The further I ran on Center Street , the more dogs I would hear barking . I am so thankful for fenced - in dogs . I ran past a Yellow Lab on one side of the street . A little further down , there was a Golden Retriever and a Rottweiler , fenced - in together . I have a fear of Rottweilers . My parents ' dog , Duke , was attacked by one , while I was walking him . The Rottweiler just tossed him around like he was a rag doll . Once I turned the corner onto another street , I was thankful . This street was a bit more quiet . It was on this street that I could tell that it might have been a good idea to let my food settle a little longer . I started to realize that this breakfast was too heavy to eat before a run . Oh well , what could I do when I was halfway through the run . I just kept going . I reached the halfway point and turned around . A little bit passed the halfway point , on my way back home , I decided I should take off my jacket . I felt like it had warmed up . I know I had warmed up by that point . I wrapped the jacket around my waste and kept on going . By the time I reached Center Street again , I had wished that I was a nudist , because I was really hot . I would have been happy stripping everything off and continuing my run . I wouldn 't have really considered stripping , but I really was hot . By the time I reached mile three , I was very happy . It meant I was home . It meant that , although I had ran too soon after eating , I didn 't throw up . I ran up my driveway , turned off my stopwatch and stepped into the house . I finished my run in 35 : 39 . 26 . I announced that someone would be coming to the door soon and went and took off my mittens and my ear warmers . The doorbell rang and someone was inviting the children to an Easter Egg Hunt this next weekend . It is always wonderful to get home after a run ! I had a Klondike Bar and was ready for the rest of my day : ) Oh , and as far as the Boy Scout Food Collection , my husband reported that was successful as well ! I had to do a two - mile run this evening . It is much easier to do the runs in the evening when my husband gets home . When I tried to run with my daughter in the jogger , it took much longer to get it over with and it was much harder than I had imagined . I have a nice imagination , I imagined that it would be very easy to push a 10 + pound stroller with a 20 pound baby in it . The reality of it , it isn 't easy to push a 10 + pound stroller with a 20 pound baby in it . I need to figure out how to enjoy it , because eventually I am going to have to run much further and I am not sure I will be able to complete the runs before sunset . Tonight as I ran , I was enjoying it . It was going well . I could breathe well and it didn 't seem like it was very hard . Then , for whatever reason , at 1 . 38 miles , I got really hard . I don 't know if I hit the proverbial wall , or what happened , but it got really hard . The thoughts in my mind went something like this : " You can do this . This isn 't hard . You ran a 5K on Saturday , so this is easier . You are more than halfway through the run , you got this . " I was trying to convince myself that I was fine . I kept that going on during my run . Then at about 1 . 5 miles , I started telling myself : " You can slow down . It is okay to take it easy . You are running faster than your SmartCoach plan tells you to anyway . " Well , I kept running . I kept a rather steady pace . I reminded myself that I have a three - mile run on Saturday , so it was important to keep running today . I went on to remind myself that next week I will have a four - mile run , so I really can 't give up on a two - mile . Am I the only one that holds conversations , in my mind , while running ? I give myself a pep talk , try to convince myself that it is okay to slow down , but keep on going anyway . I haven 't ran with an MP3 player since I found out I was pregnant with my toddler . I get to hear all the sounds of the road and of the city . Maybe this is why I take the time to listen to all the thoughts I 'm having . I was happy to complete my run . I came home to my slow cooker lasagna and then headed to Walgreens . I bought some Hersheys Kisses and some Fish Oil capsules . I had a sick child at home today so I didn 't do much . It was nice to get out . This evening I had to do a two - mile run . I could have done it this morning , with the baby in her jogger , but it was a bit on the chilly side and she has had a runny nose . It was 34 degrees this morning . Instead of running , I decided to go grocery shopping . I think I have everything I need for the week . I am not , and never have I been , a fan of shopping , of any kind . I don 't like going grocery shopping or clothes shopping . I am sure I would enjoy chocolate shopping , but have never gone on a shopping trip , strictly to buy chocolate . When my husband got home from work , I went downstairs and asked the children if they wanted to go on a two - mile run with me . I figured they did so well in the mile run , I might as well see if they wanted to run again . They didn 't agree to two - miles . Since I was going to run with them , I was going to do three laps around the block and then to the end of the street and back . My two middle children ( 9 y / o daughter and 5 y / o son ) decided they would run with me . They agreed to one trip around the block , which is . 62 miles . I figured that was better than nothing . My daughter grabbed a pair of flat church shoes and my son put his shoes on the wrong feet . I told my daughter not to wear her church shoes , and I told my son to switch the shoes to the right feet . My son listened , my daughter didn 't . She ran around the block in her church shoes . She did well . She would have come in first in the trip around the block , except for my son decided to run across the lawn when we got in front of the house , instead of going up the driveway like my daughter did . He laughed the whole time he ran up the lawn announcing he was going to win . I smiled . While we were running and were on the street we don 't live on , a little girl asked my daughter where my older son was . My daughter announced that he was at home watching " Alex vs Alex . " I thought it was cute that she was asking . I asked my daughter , when I got home , who the little girl was . She is someone that has a crush on my son . When we got back to our house , and my children ran inside , I still had over a mile to run . I decided to run to the children 's school and back . The fewer times I run passed my house , the less tempting it is for me to run inside and not finish the complete mileage I need to . When I got to the school , I decided I would run half way down the block so when I got home I wouldn 't have to run back to the church to complete the 2 miles . Halfway down the block , I decided that I would run all the way to Main Street , then down to the road that connects with mine , and then home . When I got home , we ate dinner . I had it ready before I went for my run . I had expected that the kids and my husband would eat without me . They didn 't . We had Shake - N - Bake chicken tenderloins , brown rice , I added fresh tomatoes , green onion and cheese to mine , and salad . It was a good meal . After dinner , I figured out how far I ran . I love mapmyrun . com . It lets you figure out the distance by mapping out where you ran . I ended up running 2 . 15 miles . It was a nice run . The things I love most about running is that , to me , it is a stress reducer , anxiety reducer , and anti - depressant . It also helps that it is free . I enjoy running outside , so I don 't need a gym membership . I do need to buy new running shoes , socks and clothing every so often , but I would need to do that otherwise . I pay to run races , but that is because I choose to . No one makes me run races that cost money , they just keep me motivated . When was the last time you ran with someone you love ? It is wonderful to get out there and run with someone else . I look forward to running many races with my children , and perhaps , someday my husband will run with me too . St Patty 's March Run / Walk 5K Early this week , on my Facebook page , there was an advertisement for the run that I did this morning . There were a few different choices , there was going to be a 10K , 5K and a 1 mile fun run this morning . There was also going to be free pancakes for runners and their supporters , an obstacle course and face painting for the children . I didn 't know if I was actually going to do this run until this morning . If I could have made up my mind by a couple of days ago , I would have saved myself $ 9 . Since my toddler has not been feeling very well , I had to take that into consideration . I also took a peek at weather . com which indicated that it may be a rainy morning . This was also taken into consideration . I figured I should wait until today to see how the weather was , and how the baby was doing . When I woke up , at 7 : 30 am , the weather was overcast , but there at been no rain . The baby had slept well and her nose wasn 't running quite as bad as it had been the past few days . I took a step outside and it wasn 't too cool . I decided that we would do it . This made my children happy . They were excited for the fun run , the obstacle course , and the ( green ) pancake breakfast . This was the first 5K I have done since I gave birth in October 2011 . I think the last one I did before that was Jan 1 , 2011 . The fastest timed 5K I have completed was 29 : 58 . I was so excited that day that I had finally beat 30 minutes . My time today was 36 : 20 . I came in 38th place overall and 15th in my age group . Someday I will break that 30 minute mark again , but for now , I am happy to have finished it running . I started running again at the beginning of the year . I was doing a couch to 1 mile with my sister and continue to run with her . I started running non - stop about a month and half ago , and then decided to figure out what kind of running I need to do to be ready for a half - marathon . This is week 3 , so I had to do a 3 mile run today , so this race fit in perfectly . After I finished the 5K , there was about a 45 minute break before the 1 mile fun run . My 5 year - old wanted to do the mile with my 8 year - old and my son who will be 10 tomorrow . I didn 't think that he would be able to keep up , so I decided to run that one so he wouldn 't be by himself . At the starting line , there was a 3 or 4 year - old child in front of me . When the race started , he immediately fell down , face first . I bent right over and picked him up and held him up face level to make sure he was okay . He looked at me and immediately started crying , I am a stranger , of course . By this time , a concerned parent came running over and I handed him over . By the time the child was returned to a parent , my children were at least a minute up the road . I decided to run it anyway . I never caught up with them , but I could see them the whole way . I was very proud of them . They all stayed pretty much together . I finished in 11 : 11 and I am guessing the finished in close to 10 minutes . Now , I just need to keep them running . I was amazed that my 5 year - old did so well . After the race , he said to me , " See Mommy , I told you I was super fast . " I smiled and told him that he is really fast . Today I had to do a three - mile run . I knew that it wasn 't going to happen with the baby in the jogger . I might not be able to do a three - mile run with her in the jogger until I am able to do a five - mile run without her in the jogger . I had to wait to do my run until my husband got home from work . It is amazing how much more energy I had in the evening , than I have had in the mornings . I ran the three miles in 36 minutes , and this included some inclines , so I was happy with that time . I imagine the energy difference is because I never eat in the morning before my runs . That means I am generally running after not eating for 10 to 12 hours . I am training for a half - marathon that is downhill . It should be fun . Sometimes I wonder what I have gotten myself into . The only thing I realize is that if I didn 't sign up and pay for it , I wouldn 't be running now . I know myself well enough , that I have to be financially invested in a race , in order to be sure I train for it . I also save money if I sign up earlier . I like to save money . This week I have two , three - mile runs , and one , two - mile run . My two - mile run is on Wednesday , so at least the runs get broken up this week . I enjoy running , but I miss the days when the two - and three - mile runs were easy runs . Now , even though they are labeled as " easy runs " on my SmartCoach training calendar from www . runnersworld . com , they are not something I call easy . I keep reminding myself that these really will be easy one day . These will be short runs . Right now , they are long runs and difficult . I try to ingrain in my head how these runs are . I think I do this so that I can remember when I run four miles or five miles and I feel the same way , I can remember that I pushed through before and I can do it again . In my marathons , I ended up walking in both of them . Once I started walking , I didn 't walk the whole time , but I did walk . The first marathon , when I ended up needing to walk , I felt defeated . People would be cheering me on , even as I walked , and I felt like I had let myself down . At some points , I was holding back tears , because I was disappointed in myself . I wanted to run the whole thing . My second marathon rolled along six weeks later . I had once again hoped to run the whole way . I didn 't run the whole way that time either , but I did run two miles further before I started to walk . I started to walk at 18 miles , instead of the 16 previously . I was happy that I made it further , but still disappointed . I hope to , someday , complete a marathon without walking . I don 't know if / when it will be possible , but I hope it is possible someday . With this being said , I am thankful for a healthy body . I am thankful for legs that can carry me . I am thankful that I can walk , that I can run . I am thankful for my family that supports me . I am thankful that my sister runs with me . I am looking forward to doing some races with her . It is always nice to have someone to run or exercise with . I woke up yesterday morning . I knew that I had a three mile run ahead of me . I lay there trying to convince myself to get up and get ready to go . I had not run three miles in almost a year . I knew that it wasn 't going to be an easy task . I finally convinced myself to get up and do it . It took a good fifteen or twenty minutes . Around my block is . 62 miles . From my house to where my children go to school and back is 1 . 28 miles , according to www . mapmyrun . com . Before I started my run , I told my husband that I was going to run around the block five times . That was my full intent . Anyone that lives in this area knows that yesterday was quite windy . I don 't know if everyday is windy in Utah , or just the days I decide to run . In fact , at one point later in the day , my nine year - old was out riding his scooter and came inside and told us that the wind was pushing him . By the time I finished my third lap , I knew that I was tired and I didn 't want to run anymore . This was not an option . I had to do three miles , and that was what I was going to do . At this point , I decided that if I ran around the block again , for the fourth time , I might not be able to convince myself to do the fifth time around . It would be really easy to run into the house , pat myself on the back , and tell myself I did a good job running 2 . 48 miles . So , I decided I would run to the children 's school and back . That way , there was no chance that I would give up and run inside . I continued to run . Have you even been running and had to convince yourself that you can keep running ? I kept telling myself that my legs can do it . That my legs would not just crumble to the ground . They sure felt like they would , but they never had before . I was right , my legs did keep working . I was able to finish this run . It was a bit further than the three miles I had to do . It was 3 . 14 miles . So , I officially finished my first 5K of the year . It took a while . . . 38 : 03 to be exact , but it was finished and I was happy . I didn 't run this with the baby and the jogging stroller . I might have died if I had tried . I am thinking that I am not going to attempt running three miles that way until I can run 5 miles . It is hard to believe that I have a half - marathon on June 15 . I have every intent to be completely ready for that . My weight yesterday was 138 . 8 183 . 8 pounds , so I lost . 8 pounds . I will take that any day over gaining weight . That is going in the right direction . Last night , I hosted an ItWorks ! Wrap Party . A good friend of mine from several years ago and his wife did the party . I had a wrap applied to my stomach . It is to help lose inches , tone and firm spots that need help . My stomach isn 't as firm as I would hope . I have had four children , which I think contributes to loose skin . Measurements were done around my belly button , and then two inches above and below . In the hour that I had the wrap on , I managed to lose a total of 4 . 75 inches from the previous measurements . This morning , I had lost another 4 . 75 inches , for a total of 9 . 5 inches . I am really excited ! I will post before and after photos . The wraps , and the lotion on them , keep working for 72 hours . I will not have after photos until Tuesday evening . There are also other great products distributed by the ItWorks ! Company . I am looking forward to sharing the results : ) Today was a two - mile run . I have a jogger , it is an old jogger . My brother bought it at a consignment shop to use with his daughter . She will be eight soon . I adopted the jogger from him . I have never ran with a jogger before . Can I just say , it is a whole new experience ! I placed the jogger in the van before heading out to bring my children to their respective schools . After getting them to school , I had to head to Wal - Mart . I had to get a bicycle pump so I could pump up the tires of the jogger . They had been flat , for a long time . I pumped up the tires in the Wal - Mart parking lot . I had been running two miles in under 23 minutes , barely under 23 minutes , but under 23 minutes , nonetheless . It was a different route today . I don 't know if it is more than two miles . It is supposed to be a 1 / 4 mile loop . I ran around it 8 times . It was just under 29 minutes when I finished . I don 't know if it is because I was pushing a 21 pound baby and a jogger . I don 't know if it is because I can 't pump my arms when pushing the jogger . I don 't know if the two mile run ended up being closer than three miles . I do know , I was pooped out by the time I finished the eighth lap . After the run , I took a picture of my daughter and I . I had run with her in a stroller a few times before now , but this is going to be serious . Here we are : My baby had fallen to sleep between Wal - Mart and the trail . She stayed asleep as I put her in the jogger . I am not sure at what point she woke up , but by the time I finished , she was awake . She was not making a sound . I don 't know if she was just enjoying the ride or what was going on . I had her all bundled up because I didn 't know if she would get cold as I was pushing her . I have a three mile run on Saturday . I will do this run without her since my husband will be home to take care of her . I haven 't run three miles since last year , and I only ran it once . This should be interesting : ) If any of you reading this have run with a jogger stroller and can give some input about the time difference , it would be appreciated . Posted by This morning was a scheduled 2 mile run . It was beautiful out , well , beautiful compared to what I have been facing in the past month . It was probably mid - to high 30s . I put on a technical long sleeve shirt , some long running pants , a jacket , ear warmers , and gloves . I drove my 5 year - old to school , letting my husband know that I would be stopping to do my run on the way home . I let him know that when the baby woke up , she would have to eat and get changed . Out the door we went . My son goes to school about 3 miles away . He gets driven to and from school daily . There is a park that has trails marked off so I know which one to use to get my 2 mile run in . After dropping him off , I went back to the park . I put my ear warmers on and my gloves . I stepped out of my car and walked over to where I start , which is just a matter of a few steps . I took a quick glance around to see what I would be dealing with . I noticed a dog with its owner in the distance . At this point is when I always hope that the dog is on leash . I hit start on my watch 's stopwatch and off I went . I need to run around the trail 3 times , as it is a 2 / 3 mile loop . The first thing I noticed was that it was windy . I am not sure how windy it was , but it was windy enough that it was hard to catch my breath as I ran north and I was still running against the wind as I ran east . These are the first two directions of my run . The north and south distances are the longer ones . I would say that they make up about 1 1 / 2 of the 2 miles . It is hard to explain the difference between running against the wind and running with the wind . Even though it was a gentle wind , there was still the resistance of it against me . I don 't think I would have realized the resistance , except for when I turned south and then west , it was much easier to run . My breathing got easier . I didn 't have to try to suck in the air . My legs didn 't have to work as hard . I wonder if I would have appreciated it as much if I had started my run going east and then south . There is a clear difference , when running , between when the wind is at your back or coming directly at your face . I have to admit , I prefer running outside , far over running inside . Treadmills are what I started training on , back in June 2009 . I trained for my whole first half - marathon on the treadmill . There is such a difference between running on a treadmill and on a hard surface . I will run against the wind happily , over running inside . I think it might help with lung development : ) I enjoy running against the wind a lot more than running in the snow though . As I ran , I discovered the dog that I had initially seen in the distance , was not on a leash . Those realizations tend to slow me down . I don 't want to get that close to a dog without slowing down and trying to figure out the situation . As I got closer , I realized that it was a young yellow lab . It seemed to be well - trained , as it stayed close to its owner . I still went slower passed it , just to be sure I had correctly accessed the situation . Thankfully , I had . This dog was on the north part of my run . As I continued running , and rounded the east , then the south , the closer I got to where I would turn west , I made another discovery . There was a woman with a dog . This dog was obviously not on a leash . Once again , I slowed down . As I got closer to the dog , it seemed like an old dog , but I couldn 't get a good sense of it . The owner was leaning over , feeding some other dogs through the fence . As I neared , the dog let out a bark at me . I slowed to a walk and then once I got passed it , I continued to run . I was happy to get passed the dogs . I was even happier that on my second and third times around , the dogs were not there . I don 't know for sure why people think it is okay to let their dogs run around without leashes . It has always been a bit of a pet peeve of mine . My worst dog encounter was when I had my daughter in a baby carrier , and I was kind of doing a slow jog , a couple of dogs ran out from a house when the owner opened the door . I heard a lot of barking and turned to see a dog not too far from me . I turned my body away from the dog , so my daughter was the furthest away . The dog jumped up and bit my arm . If I hadn 't had a coat on , I am sure it would have broken the skin . If I hadn 't turned my body , it would have gotten my baby in the face . Do you have any pet peeves about running outside ? Posted by This blog is for motivation , for myself , and possibly for others . As I keep it , I hope that it helps to show that although I am not perfect , and never will be , I am trying to become better . I am 39 years - old , 5 ' 6 " and as of this morning 184 . 6 lbs . I don 't expect the first two statistics to change , at least for several months , but I am hoping the last one will decrease dramatically . I am a mommy of four . I am blessed to have my four little ones and they bring so much joy to my life . Upon finding out I was pregnant with my last child , I stopped running . This is due to the fact that I had been pregnant in May of of 2010 and had a miscarriage . The bleeding started after I did an easy two - mile run . Two miles back then was easy for me . I had completed several 5K and 10K runs and a half - marathon . I was training for a full marathon when I found out I was pregnant . I didn 't plan to do a marathon pregnant , but I thought I could keep running . I wanted to stay in shape . The bleeding started the same day as the run . To me , even if it really had nothing to do with the run , it was too much of a coincidence . I continued to bleed for three weeks , off and on . I would go and get regular ultrasounds . The baby 's heartbeat was really weak , but there was still a heartbeat . I would pray really hard that the heart rate would pick up . Finally , one day , the bleeding got really bad . I went back to the doctor and there was no longer a heartbeat . My heart was broken . There is no way to put that pain into words . If you , or your spouse , has ever experienced a miscarriage , it is a bit more understandable to you what I felt . I knew for three weeks that the baby was unlikely to make it , but I kept hoping , kept praying , as any mother would . The day I found out I had a miscarriage , I felt like I should be running a marathon . I had started running on June 8 , 2009 , with the purpose of doing my first half - marathon . I had found joy and peace in running around June 8 , 2009 . I had started with the goal to run , in order to lose weight . I lost weight , rather quickly , but found something I enjoyed in the process . After my miscarriage , I ran a 17 . 75K a couple weeks later . Much to my surprise , that was a trail run . I had not trained , ever , for a trail run . This was a couple weeks after miscarrying the baby . I had stopped running for the three weeks when I was hoping the baby could make it . That was a difficult run . I then ran the Akron RoadRunner Marathon on Sept 25 , 2010 , in 5 : 39 : 46 . On Nov . 13 , 2010 , I ran the Richmond SunTrust Marathon in 5 : 31 : 46 . I found it very interesting that it was exactly 8 minutes less . I didn 't run the whole way , I had to walk off and on starting at about mile 16 w / the first and mile 18 with the second . I was pleased to complete those . So , that is my background . I am not fast , but I enjoy it . I completely gave up running the day I found out I was pregnant , the next time . That day was February 14 , 2011 . Yes , Valentines Day . Doctors , nurses , everyone told me that it had nothing to do with the running . I wasn 't going to take the chance . I had many problems during my pregnancy , all having to do with the Pemphigoid Gestationis that I was diagnosed with . I had to be on prednisone for 9 months . The problem continued after birth . My baby was born on Oct 5 , 2011 . She was tiny , but healthy . Due to the problems associated with the Pemphigoid Gestationis , I had an amniocentesis to make sure her lungs were functioning at 37 weeks and 1 day . She was delivered Caesarean section on the next day , weighing in at 6 lbs 3 oz and being 18 . 5 inches long . I started running off and on when she was a couple of months old , because I had to let my body heal from the surgery . I admit that it was more off than on . I would run , maybe , a couple times a month . Things would always come up , as any mother of a young baby knows . I would not commit and pay for any races . The commit and pay is a big motivator to me . If I pay for it , I am going to do it , unless my back goes out . As I started running on Monday , which was the first day in my running plan to do a half - marathon on June 15 , 2013 , I thought I should start a blog about being in motion . I didn 't want it to be part of my family blog , because that is more of a journal about my family and myself . It is something that I try to write in regularly to keep track of fun times and other things that happen around here . I initially thought , as I ran , that I would call it " A Body in Motion , " but that one was taken . " A Mommy in Motion " fits . My first week called for 2 mile runs on Monday , Wednesday and Saturday . I did the first two runs at a local park that has a running trail . The last run , I did in the neighborhood . One of the best things about running is that you can do it anywhere . I love to be able to just step outside and start a run . It doesn 't require a gym membership . My next purchase is going to be a jogger stroller so I can run with my little one while the older children are at school . Please feel free to follow me and read my blogs . Comments are appreciated . Thank you for taking the time to read the introduction to what I hope is a long - life of running from this time forth . I am a wife , mother , daughter and sister . These are the most important roles in my life . I enjoy blogging about my family and about my training for races . The training blog helps keep me motivated . |
I reached the farm just a few hours ago , and it is more than I could have possibly imagined . I knew as soon as I arrived that I had made the right choice . I was so uncertain about leaving the Thompson 's home ; I had been there for so long , but the allure of a better pay here at the Richards ' Farmstead was too much to resist . The Richards have been very kind in our relations , and I expect that should continue which pleases me greatly . They 've been very respectful and forthcoming with me about what I should expect working as a maid on their farm . That 's not to say the Thompson family lacked any manner of generosity , but there were times where I often felt invisible . Mr . Richards and his wife treated me almost as if I were family the moment we met . " You 're going to be living in our home and tending to our children , " John Richards told me . Margery said , " It 's only right we treat you as one of us . " Though the pay increase is much appreciated , I must admit it was that sort of kinship Mr . and Mrs . Richards expressed that really brought me to their home . It is absolutely beautiful here , even in the Winter months . I was rather amused when the driver turned onto an almost invisible dirt path off the main road . I hadn 't noticed it was there . It took me by surprise to see just how long the path was as it seemed to stretch for miles , but it was relaxing to see nothing but a canopy of leafless tree branches overhead , as dark as that may sound . Despite the cold , emptiness of the frozen woods , I found myself feeling tranquil at the sight of such peculiar beauty . Before I knew it , the surrounding woods had suddenly opened its embrace . The path cleared into a large , open field in which the Richards ' farmstead was visible in the distance . I was mesmerized instantly . The field was covered in a light white frost which glimmered in the morning sun . I could see several farmhands tending to their duties . The woods that tightly surrounded the vehicle as the driver brought us down the road now spread out and wrapped around the entire farm , creating some sort of barricade that hides it from the rest of the world . It is all truly amazing how it appears now in the Winter ; I cannot imagine how it must look in the warm months of Summer . I would not say this is paradise by any means , but it is certainly a place that felt like home , and that is all I could have hoped for . Mr . Richards has given me the day to get familiar with their home and its residents . Later on , I shall be acquainted with my duties and then I will meet the children . Tomorrow will be my first real day , and I am truly excited . Today was my first day performing my duties around the Richards farmstead . Since I 'm not one of the farm hands , my work kept me within the confines of their home . Not that I 'm complaining , I am no farmer by any means , nor would I want to be . Yesterday , Mr . Richards took me on a tour of his farmstead , and introduced me to all his employees . They were all very kind and appeared to be hard workers . I admire and appreciate their resolve and dedication . Aside from that , I also got to meet some of the more wild inhabitants . I 've never had the opportunity to be up close and personal with animals such as these . The pigs and cows were rather bland , but horses always appear so majestic . Mrs . Richards also took the time to introduce me to her children . Timothy is seven and Charlotte is only three . They are both so adorable , what with their matching blonde hair and cute little smiles . Timothy was surprisingly caring of his baby sister ; it was very sweet to watch him play with her . Though I don 't believe I 'll personally be spending much time with the children unless Mrs . Richards asks it of me , I will be happy to see their young faces each day . I love children , and these two seem to be the sweetest . Mostly , I 'll by tidying up the household . It is rather large , but that keeps it all the more interesting . I 've never minded cleaning , especially not a home such as this . Mrs . Richards keeps such a lovely home , I had half a mind to ask her why she decided to hire me in the first place . When I was just getting into contact with the Richards , I was told the old maid had to leave to take care of an ill relative , but that was months ago . Clearly , Mrs . Richards has been able to do just as well a job as anyone that could be paid to do it . Still , I won 't be the one to judge , I 'm thankful to have this employment . She has obviously worked hard to keep the house as nice as it is , and I 'll gladly be the one to make sure it stays that way . It is getting late , and I 'm not quite used to this schedule just yet . It has started to snow , so I think I 'll enjoy the view of the farm from my window before I get to bed . Something strange happened today . While I was dusting the windows , I noticed a commotion going on outside involving Mr . Richards and one of the farm hands . Gregor , I think his name is . They seemed to be in a rather heated argument . I believed I would do well to mind my own business , but when I saw the children watching from another window , I decided it might be best to interrupt before they were subjected to anymore undesirable behavior . I opened the door and walked over to them ; they hadn 't noticed me until I was upon them asking if everything was alright . Mr . Richards seemed surprised to see me , but Gregor had engaged me immediately . He told me I 'd be crazy to stay here , and that I should leave the farm like the last maid . When Gregor mentioned this , Mr . Richards seemed rather annoyed . I didn 't understand , so when I inquired about it , Mr . Richards was quick to try and shut down the subject , but Gregor caught on before he could do so and explained it to me . Apparently , the maid before me did not leave because of an ill relative like I was originally told , but rather because she feared the farm was haunted . I didn 't know how to respond to this information , but before I could say anything , Gregor grabbed my arm and brought me over to a certain area in the snow . Mr . Richards protested , but did not physically intervene . Then , Gregor pointed to the snow and told me to look . What he showed me was indeed eerie . Footprints that came all the way from the edge of the woods into the farm . Gregor looked at me petrified , but I didn 't completely understand his fear . He saw the puzzlement in my face and immediately , almost as if it should have been obvious , he explained his fears . " There are none leading back , " he tells me . " I 've looked , and there are none . " I didn 't know what to make of such information . But I didn 't really have a chance to discuss it with him , either . He left the farm immediately after , and I don 't expect he 'll return . Mr . Richards , however , was honest with me . He explained why he had lied about the last maid . He didn 't want to put off possible replacements because of her own paranoia . That was something I understood , as I doubt many women would be as happy to work here if they were under the impression that it was haunted . I 'm not sure I would have even taken the job myself had I known that , but I can 't say I 'm a strong believer in such nonsense . A moment ago , I believe I heard footsteps in the attic . They were very brief and light , but noticeable . I can see now that I 'm letting my own paranoia and imagination get the better of me . I think it 's time for bed . A couple of days have passed since I last wrote . Not much has occurred since then . Yesterday , Mr . and Mrs . Richards both sat me down and apologized to me personally for not being honest about their previous maid . I assured them I took no offense and that I understood their reasoning , but they still seemed rather ashamed of it . I think they were also ashamed of the notion that they have a haunted home , but I told them that idea was silly . I truthfully felt bad for them . I knew they were very caring people , and I made sure that they knew that . Still , I could not help but feel like they were feeling guilty about having mislead me , so I tried to cheer them up with a few good laughs . It lightened the mood a bit , and they appeared appreciative of my understanding and lightheartedness . Gregor , as I expected , did not return to the farm , but it did not seem to effect the efficiency of running the farm for Mr . Richards . The animals still get fed . The pens still get cleaned . The eggs still get collected . It 's obvious that the farmstead can survive a spooked worker or two . As for the footprints in the snow , they 've since faded with wind and more snow . No other farm hand seemed to care . They either didn 't notice , or thought the money was far more important than being worried of ghastly entities . Even so , Mr . Richards had some of his men scour the area as a precaution to be sure no one was lurking around the farm . He has mentioned to me that he has had trouble with stolen livestock in the past , but all such matters had always been resolved quickly . Despite being very closed off from the rest of the world , the people in this area are actually a part of a very tight knit community . If someone tries to sell a stolen animal to another farm , it 's not hard to determine if that animal initially belonged to someone else close - by . However , the men never found any intruders , nor did they find any missing livestock . It would appear that everything was normal , and that there was nothing to be afraid of . Unless , of course , there is a ghost . Whatever the case , a few strange occurrences here and there probably won 't hurt anyone . Today was a very cold day . The snow continues to pile on little by little . I 've noticed that some here are not as fond of it as I am , but I suppose they knew what they were getting themselves into . Personally , I love waking up and going right to my window . I don 't mind sitting in the frigid draft it lets in when I am able to see snow flakes falling for what seems like miles . It is truly beautiful . When I exited my room this morning , I found a newspaper in front of my door . It was a brand I did not recognize , from an area I did not know . Not only that , but it was also several days old . Regardless , I don 't know where it came from or who it belonged to , but it was not mine . I do not read newspapers . I decided to go see Mr . Richards about it , to see if maybe someone left it there by accident . When I asked him about it , he told me he thought it could be mine , because it was a paper he didn 't recognize from anyone else on the farm . Seeing as I would be the newest inhabitant of the farm , he left it at my doorstep thinking it belonged to me . I explained to him that it wasn 't mine , that I don 't even read newspapers , and that I wasn 't sure who it belonged to . He had a curious expression on his face that told me he was unsure of where this paper could have came from if not from me , but I don 't think either of us cared enough to take the subject any further , so he took the paper and threw it in the trash . Later on when I was busy doing laundry , Mrs . Richards came to me asking if I knew where the house keys might be . I told her that the last I saw them , they were hanging on the hook where they were always supposed to be , but I had to admit that I wasn 't exactly sure of the last time I actually did see them , as its something I never thought to take notice of . She was not angry , but there was obvious worry on her face . I believe she may be under the impression that one of the farmhands had taken them . She never did seem to trust them . Before I came to my room this evening , I asked her if she ever found them . She said she hadn 't , but was certain she had just misplaced them . " They 'll turn up eventually , " she told me . She 's probably right ; we all misplace things in the most obvious of places . The creaking steps are back . I really should ask Mr . Richards about that . I 'm starting to think one of the children tends to wander at night , though I haven 't a clue why they would venture into the attic . I am so happy . I am so happy . This place is wonderful . I hope to stay here forever . I want to live here forever . I want to die here forever . I think I will . It is so beautiful . Good night . When I and the other officers had first arrived at the scene of the crime , I had not believed anything had appeared amiss , but the farmhands who had alerted us were terrified . When I asked them where Mr . Richards was , he told me to go into the barn . At first , I did not understand . I slowly proceeded to the barn and noticed something peculiar about the farm , and that peculiarity was that everything was normal . The animals were well fed and taken care of , and there was smoke spewing from the home of the Richards family , where I assumed they must be . What was off , however , is why all of this appeared so normal . The farm looked like it had been kept in check as it usually is , yet here are the farmhands scared out of their wits . It was for that reason instinct told me to draw my firearm as I approached the barn . The other officers did the same as they saw my gesture . It would turn out that my weapon would prove to be unnecessary , or more appropriately it would prove to be too late . As I opened the barn door , I was greeted by a ghastly smell that I had never smelled before in this small town . Initially , I could not pinpoint the origin of the stench , but once we moved deeper into the barn , we discovered the source . A grizzly scene of death that I had never been unfortunate enough to witness in my career until now . One of the officers under me vomited immediately . Another walked out of the barn almost as soon as he walked in , crying . Others simply turned in disgust , but I stood there staring at the bodies . We saw blood and dread and death and a confusing set of yet unseen events that somehow lead to it . There were two bodies in the barn . I knew them personally . John Richards , the owner of this farm , was a good man and undeserving of this fate . May God rest his soul . I found him in a pile of hay lying face down with a hole - like wound in the back of his head . I found Margery a few feet away , lying in the dirt , with a similar wound . Judging from how we found them with wounds in the back of their heads , lying face first on the ground , I would assume that their murderer or murderers had forced them into the barn where they were then executed whilst on their knees . To see John and Margery like this ? Words cannot describe . But then I remember the two had children , and an unyielding fear came over me . It was at this point I pulled two of my better composed men aside and instructed them to stay at my rear and be on their guard . Together we walked toward the family 's home , and I remember an insatiable wrath in me as I knew what I was going to find . We entered through the front door , I with my weapon hanging steady in the air . I don 't know if I actually believed the perpetrator would still be present , but I know that I wanted that to be so . I moved past the stairway and down the hall into the kitchen . There had been some crumbs left behind on a plate . I cannot say for certain if the suspect had stayed for a time after the crime or if he had interrupted the family in the middle of a meal . It should be noted , however , that there was just one plate . I had turned around from there and proceeded to check the rest of the rooms of the first floor , but found nothing out of place . There had been no sign , as far as I could tell , that anything had been taken from the home . In fact , there was some bit of money on a table that remained untouched . It would seem this was not a robbery , but rather the result of a monstrous activity with no real explanation . When I found myself back at the stairs , I and the other officers continued upward to find what I feared yet expected all along . Despite that , I was always at the ready to pull the trigger on my firearm . At the top of the stairs , we came upon an elongated hallway , with rooms located on each side and another set of stairs to the third floor at the end . I knew that the children 's room was at the end of the hall on the left - hand side by those stairs . I could see the door from where I stood ; which remained closed . Every other door was opened . There was the master bedroom , which appeared to have been unused , and then there were the two guest bedrooms , one of which had looked as if it were recently used . This angered me , but I do not believe the other officers understood the sick and twisted sense of humor from the perpetrator that I saw in it . After determining that these first few rooms were safe , we moved forward toward the children 's room . When I reached the door , I stood there for a moment , considering whether or not it were wise to look inside . Unfortunately , as an officer of the law , I did not truly have the luxury of that choice , but as commanding officer at the crime scene , I could save my fellow officers from having to bear witness to what I knew I was going to see . I had them return back down the stairs , and once they had all vacated the area , I continued . I put my hand on the door knob , twisted it , and entered . I was in the room for five minutes , and I only got as far as two steps before I could not bring myself to move anymore . I cannot and will not record in this report what I saw , nor will I ever speak of it to anyone ever . It was a site that as few people as possible should have to see , let alone hear of , and it will haunt me for the rest of my days . When I was able to regain my composure , I backed out of the room and shut the door . I made sure the other officers were still out of site ; if I became lucky enough to find this scum of God 's beautiful Earth , then I wanted to be the one to send him back to hell from where he came . But I would not get that chance . I proceeded up to the third floor . Here there were only two more rooms and ceiling door to the attic . The room on the right appeared to be used for storage , and the room on the left contained another gruesome sight that I admittedly did not expect to see . It was the maid 's room , and she was still present . She laid with her head down at her desk , but facing the doorway . I assume she was left like this intentionally . Her throat was cut , and she was covered in her own drying blood . . She had a horrific look on her face , as if she were staring past me and at me in the same moment , and her mouth hung open , contorted in a strange way , like she had been murdered in the middle of her screams . Her left arm was hanging off her desk , but her right was still posted on top of it . I approached the victim and saw that the right hand was placed on top of a book . Looking closer , I saw that this book was actually a diary . I reluctantly moved the hand to pick up the diary , and found something underneath . A blood written number thirty - four . I knew what it meant right away , so I turned to the page . The following is what was written on that page in the maid 's blood : I hope you like my work . I made sure I got every last one of them . I got them at night . First the parents , who I lead to the barn . They begged , they always beg . Next the kids , who thought they could hide from me but I was smarter . Then there was the maid . She was fun . Asleep when I found her . Before I finished with her , I took her on a tour around the farm to show her my work . Then I brought her back here and made her write her last entry . I thought that would be funny . Then she got boring , so I shut her up forever . She was loud anyway . Could barely get her to stop talking even after I cut her . Ha ! They never saw me coming . I was here for a long time before anyone noticed , and when they noticed it was too late . I came in from the woods and stayed under the wooden floor of the barn . They searched the whole farm and never checked there . I think that 's funny . I stayed here for a time after I did my work . I like farms , reminds me of home and family . I love animals too , so I took care of them . I slept in one of the rooms below . Not bad , but I 've had better . Not to mention that fucking noise . At first , I thought I had another play toy hiding up in the attic , but after searching it , I found nobody . There wasn 't a damn thing except a set of keys . So I left . It scared me , to be honest with you . I 'm a God fearing man , and I know well enough that the sound of footsteps made by nobody is downright unholy . Damn near burnt the place down after that , but I realize that would take away the glory of my work . So here it is . Enjoy it . Don 't look for me , I 'm long gone . And a word of advice , friend , don 't go into that attic . There 's someone up there even I couldn 't get to . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Hello ! I bet you never thought you would see a picture again on this blog the way I have been going . LOL Antonio 's friend Edwardo wanted to sell his laptop , and Antonio got it for a real good price so I am back in business again ! I was using Jenna 's apple computer but didn 't want to be loading or downloading on hers so now that I have my own to work on again , I am a happy camper . This one is a little jobber , a 12 . 1 screen , but I like it a lot . It is a HP Pavillion Entertainment PC and the screen / graphics look beautiful on it . The first thing I did after I loaded my pics on it was to choose one of Mason as a background . He looks so cute . It has tons of memory , 4G and a 500 Hard drive , so I won 't need an external hard drive while working with this one . Or at least for a long time . I chose these two pictures to put on tonight . The first one , I was holding Mason at the hospital when he was a day old , and Diana took this picture . The next one is I took of Jenna and Antonio right before we left for the hospital . Every time Antonio would come home , or go some where , he always would kiss Jenna and kiss her tummy and say good by or hello to Mason . Smack , Smack , Smack . I would tell Jenna that we needed to get a picture of that for Mason 's baby book . Of course she would not be dolled up or something so it ended up getting taken right before we went out the door . But it sure is a cute picture and will be a nice memory for them all . Jenna is not feeling so good . We are not sure if she has a breast infection or the start of one , but she talked to a lactation consultant today and the on call doctor and they told her some things to do that will hopefully help . She has had the chills , a temp , flu like symptoms , and dry cough . So she spent most of the day on the couch , as she felt weak and had no energy . She fed Mason , and I took care of him the rest of the time . Of course Grandma and Mason didn 't mind that . He is changing so much each day . He is extremely alert when he is awake , and is very strong . Antonio and I went to Aldi 's after he got off of work and bought some groceries . He made Empanda 's tonight which were delicious . Quite a long process , it takes several hours to make them . I told him that he should make something easy if he wanted to cook , as he did not get much sleep last night and had worked all day but he wouldn 't hear of it . He loves to cook , it is his passion ( as he says ) . He can 't comprehend why I don 't like to cook any more . I tried to explain that I would rather be sewing or stamping , those are my passions . We were suppose to have 2 batches of company tonight but they decided to cancel both of them because of Jenna not feeling well which I was happy about although I know both sets of people and they are very nice . It just wasn 't the right time today . I think her dad and Heather are coming tomorrow . We will see how she is doing tomorrow . Grandma had her first " real " photo session with Mason today . I ended up keeping 58 pictures that I took and he did so well during it . Jenna had just fed him , and after I had got him burped good , I started shooting . I got some really cute photo 's . Grandma got a good nights sleep last night and so did everyone else . I was up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and all was quiet , and the same thing when I got up again in the early morning hours to see if I needed to help . When I got up at 10 : 30 , daddy was holding the baby in the living room and Jenna was getting ready . Everyone said the baby had a good night and that they were going to go shopping with the baby . They were all smiles and excited about their first family outing with the baby . I got Mason all decked out in the clothes that Jenna had all picked out for him and he looks adorable . He wasn 't a happy camper during the diaper change and putting all the clothes on , but once Grammy lifted him off the changing table and into her arms , he snuggled right in and fell to sleep . He is such a good boy . His eye coloring is changing . They were grey when he was born , looked blue a few days ago , and were brown this morning so I am guessing he will have brown eyes . His skin is a beautiful olive color . He looks just like Antonio according to everyone , but I can see a little bit of Jenna when she was a baby . I think he has her mouth and the shape of her eyelids when they are closed . Antonio is so funny , he wants everything of Mason to be just like him , except that he wanted him to have blue eyes . He was asking me last night when we would know what his eye coloring would be and I told him in a few months . He thinks the woman will just love Mason with blue eyes and olive skin as that is unusal . We laugh , you have to know Antonio and his theories ! Someone said at the restaurant the other day that he didn 't have his dad 's eyelashes and Antonio said that was because he had burnt his ( Antonio 's ) eyelashs on the grill sauteing with a saute pan . Jenna and I find that quite funny . Silly guy . Any who , I 'd better go take a shower in case the landlord and plumber decide to come and fix the new plumbing problems . I am sure they would love to see me in my red hershey kisses pajama bottoms and my WI tshirt ! We currently have a bucket under the kitchen sink , one base cabinet is tore out and is sitting in the middle of the kitchen , and 3 drawers are stacked on the kitchen counter . Not very good for cooking that is for sure or doing much of anything in there . Have a great day ! Elaine Good evening or should I say morning . . . as it is five minutes to twelve right now and I should be in bed . I am very tired although I had an hour nap late this afternoon . But have been helping out with the baby the past couple of nights so the kids could get some sleep . So I am short a bunch of hours . He is growing fast , eating so good and sleeping better . My little angel . We had a good report at the doctor 's office yesterday . Mason has almost gained back his birth weight and they normally don 't do that until they are two weeks old when they are being breastfed . So we were happy to hear that . He is doing everything else that he is suppose to be doing and did not have to have another Bilirubin test so mama was happy about that ! We went to Antonio 's Olive Garden yesterday to take in some paper work that Jenna needed to turn in about her hospital stay , and so that the staff there could see Mason , and soTammy could too , the boss over the region . She adored Mason along with everyone else and he was quiet as a mouse again . He wasn 't too thrilled about being undressed etc at the doctor 's appointment but was great the rest of the day . After Antonio was off work , we went to Red Lobster for dinner . Antonio really wanted to go there and to celebrate Mason 's being one week old . We had a really nice dinner , and then headed home . Tonight , Antonio 's brother , wife and 2 children were here to see Mason . Mason slept in Marta 's arms most of the night , and of course charmed them . I taught little Belinda , here is the church , here is the steeple , open the door and see all the people , with her hands and she thought that was pretty cool . Sorry I haven 't been on the computer much , it has been nutso . And tomorrow we are expecting two batches of company , so it shall be busy again . I will probably sleep for days after I get home . I plan on coming home on Tuesday . It makes me cry already to think of leaving Mason . When I talked to Jenna about this tonight , she said " Mom , this isn 't the last time you are going to get to see Mason " . Then she tolWell , I 'd better scat ! Elaine Hello - I am going to try to get a quick post in before I watch Mason so Jenna can get a nap in . He is such a little joy , and really keeps us hopping . He is very alert at times and we are all just loving that . His face making just fascinates us . I am loving having this special time with him . Last night was the first night that Mommy would let me help in the middle of the night . Funny how when they get exhausted enough , they let you help ! Hee hee ! So the calvary arrived at 2 am . He is breast feeding and she is letting him have an occasional bottle so Grandma fed him and got him to sleep a few hours . I read one of Jenna 's baby books while sitting in there watching him sleep and he is doing everything he is suppose to be doing in the first month which I thought already but it was a good review . I tried to go to Aldi 's and Walgreens early in the morning but neither were open yet so I came home , helped with baby cakes a bit and then hit the hay and slept till about noon . Two hours of sleep just wasn 't cutting it and Grandma was zombie like by the time she hit the hay . This afternoon I watched him so Jenna could take a shower and Diana and I got some things done around here and also played with Mason . We also took a bunch of pictures of him . I headed out around 3 and went to Walgreens to pick up one of my prescriptions , put gas in the van , and went grocery shopping at Aldi 's for Jenna . After I got all the groceries put away , and had helped some with Mason , I made us some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while Mommy fed him , and then I took another nap as I was dragging . Diana has went home for the week , and will be back next Monday . Yesterday , Mason and Mommy had their first outing . He needed his bilirubin checked , and we went to the doctor 's office to do that around noon . Then we headed over to Jenna 's Olive Garden for lunch , and Mason was adored by all of the help . I fed Mason a bottle there and he was good to go for the rest of the afternoon . We went to BabysRus and Jenna picked up a bunch of things that she neededPosted by Sarah and Zach came today around 5 and we spent a few nice hours with them . It was so good to see them both . Sarah brought us supper which was really nice . BBQ , buns , strawberry / banana fruit salad , and sun chips . Yummy . I got some nice pictures of the girls together with Sarah holding the baby and then some of just Sarah with the baby . They brought my mail with them and I spent the last couple of hours going through that and ditching stuff after they left . I have a nice stack of magazines to read and I plan on looking at a few of them when I go to bed which will be shortly . Antonio went to bed around an hour ago which is the very earliest I have ever seen him go to bed . But he said he needs to get up around 2 or so to help with the baby . He also has to work at 10 tomorrow . He sure is a trooper with helping Jenna with Mason . Lots of big changes in this household . Speaking of Mason , he is being a little chow hound tonight . He doesn 't want to stop to burp , just eat ! I am sure that he will be happy when her milk comes in , which may be tomorrow , hopefully . I just checked and mother and baby are down for the night , Diana is getting her jammies on under protest . . . . . lol . . . and I made her turn off the TV , so she put George Lopez on record . I said she could read for awhile before going to sleep . She just grabbed Jenna 's copy of Eat , Pray , Love and is going to start reading that . I just heard Mason yelling . Maybe I should see if she wants me to hold him awhile so she can get some sleep ! Chow ! Me Hello - We just got back to the house from bringing the baby home . Sarah and Zach are on their way to visit . Mason has had a tough day today . He had his circumscion this morning plus 5 pokes in the bottom of his foot for blood work . He was doing real well when we got to the hospital but had a crying jag before we left . His very first which alarmed his parents . It is so fun to watch them . The world definitely revolves around Mason now . Ha ha ! I got a good nights sleep last night so am feeling much better today . Antonio goes back to work tomorrow , and it sounds like we are going to have company both days of the weekend . The baby has a doctor 's appointment on Monday , and Jenna on Wednesday so it sounds like it will be a busy week . We are all in love with the little guy . He is just precious ! Mason Antonio Dominguez arrived Wednesday , August 18th at 10 : 35pm . He weighed 7 lbs 14 oz . and is 20 1 / 2 long . Both mother and baby are doing fine . He is absolutely beautiful and we all are joyful ! He has a full head of dark hair , and looks a lot like his daddy . His skin is very light right now , but that could change . He has very long fingers and feet , just like Sarah did . Auntie Sarah is turning inside out and can 't wait to come and see him tomorrow after work . I got home last night about 2 ; 30 am and was exhausted . I had been up almost 24 hours . It was a very long day , and very hard to watch my daughter in pain , but everything went well , and the baby did good all day long . They had Jenna wait while she was at 10 to push for the doctor to come and she told me when I checked on her then that she didn 't care as she was exhausted . She only had to do 4 pushes and he was out so that was great . Lennard and Heather were here all day too and stayed till it was over , saw everyone for a few minutes after it was done to make sure they were all okay and then they headed home . Mason is such a little bundle of joy and a very good baby so far . He lets you know when he doesn 't like something but when you stop , he quiets right down by himself . We all love him so , but as you know , he was very loved before he even arrived . He is starting to stir right now and mom and dad are both trying to nap a little bit before their celebration dinner so it is more Grandma and Mason time ! He will have his circumcision in the morning tomorrow , and then I will bring them home in the afternoon . Love , and miss you all ! Elaine In about 9 hours we will be leaving for the hospital . We have to be there at 6 am tomorrow . Jenna is planning on getting up at 4 : 30 . I told her that I wanted to take a shower too and she told me I could get up before that . With my new hair cut , it takes me a little over 20 minutes to shower , get dressed , and get hair and makeup done , I love it ! I told her I didn 't want to be up for 2 hours waiting for everyone so she said I could take one after her . Antonio is not a morning person ( like me ) and he probably won 't get up till after 5 I am sure , especially since he is still at work and the restaurant is still crazy , as he just called Jenna . We are all very excited . When we dropped Diana off late this afternoon at her mom 's , I said to her , next time we see you , you will have a little brother . She can 't wait . Diana and I worked on the baby 's room last night and we put up 2 walls of wall paper border . Neither one of us had done it before , and they left us unsupervised to do what we wanted . Much to my surprised we did a pretty good job . It was prepasted and we dipped it in the bathtub to get it wet . The directions said we were suppose to have some sort of brush to smooth it out with which we didn 't have , and to have a sponge to wipe off excess paste . So Diana just smoothed it out with a sponge as we were going along . Our favorite part of the job was putting up the animal decals and making little scenes with them . We loved that . And we asked Jenna if she would get more of them , and she agreed to . So we did the little wall by the changing table and the large wall that you see when you walk into the room . Before I come home , I will take some pictures . We will have to work on the other walls another day . An hour or so after we quit last night , Antonio came into the living room , just a giggling , with his hand over his mouth . You would have to know him to know how animated he is , he is just contagious . Everyone loves him . Anyways , he was giggling away , and said those monkeys are just so cute hanging there . We didn 't know he had been in the room so he took us by surprise . Jen likes it too but right now she is pretty quiet and doesn 't feel much like talking . Today , I sewed a nursing cover for Jenna and it turned out nice . It has boning in the front so that it curves outward and you can tilt your head down to see the baby , but you are entirely covered up . I made it out of a pretty turquoise color with some swirls on it that Jenna picked out . I will probably make a couple more before I leave but I decided that she should try this one out first and see if she wants any changes made to it . One thing I am going to change on the next one is that one of the straps for around your neck is way too long . It doesn 't really hurt anything , but it is kind of a waste of fabric , and unnecessary to have something that long hanging down your back . I also pieced together a birthday bag tonight that I am going to do the embroidery work on while sitting at the hospital tomorrow , that is if I am not sleeping in a chair . Ha ha . Many times when Melissa had early doctor 's appointments in Madison , I would fall asleep in the waiting room . I would catch a nice little cat nap and then be good for the rest of the day . Right now I am waiting for a load of laundry to get done that Jenna started . She asked me to put them in the dryer when they get done . Hopefully that won 't be that much longer . I swear that washing machine takes an hour to wash a load of clothes and I am not exgerating ! It does get them really clean though . Jenna said that they have Wi fi at the hospital so she is bring the laptop along , much to my happiness . That will make the time go faster for sure . And I will be able to shoot a blog post and email when baby cakes decides to enter the world . I sure know that his mother will be happy to have it all over with . I 'd better try and get a little sleep before we leave ! Keep us all in your thoughts and prayers ! Hugs ! Elaine Today is Jenna 's official due date but we don 't have any signs of labor yet . I am beginning to think that we may not be going till Wednesday to the hospital . Little stinker . Maybe he wants to keep Grammy in Milwaukee as long as he can ! We went to Kmart in the afternoon yesterday so Jenna could pick up a few things . In the evening we went to Pick n Save and got some groceries . They will double up to 5 coupons on Saturdays and Wednesday so we each did that . One of the things I got was a bottle of Pert Plus which was on sale for $ 2 . 00 and with the $ 1 . 00 coupon doubled , I got it for free ! Yippee ! So I was happy about that . I have started sewing on another Rag quilt , and Jenna ( with glee ) found another pair of pants with the hem fallen out , this time they were Antonio 's . So I sewed the hem back up in them while watching an episode of Law and Order . That is what they watch around here mainly . Criminal shows or the food network . They love that too , and sometimes they rent movies . Antonio would be good on the Food Network as he puts such passion into his cooking and loves to talk about it . And he is a wonderful cook , and so is Jenna . I will definitely miss the food when I go back home . One of Jenna 's friends from the Dells is suppose to stop over later this evening . I am glad . That will be nice for her . She doesn 't really feel much like going places now so this will be a good distraction . Di asked me how things were going here yesterday and I said very good , we haven 't gotten into any fights . I asked Jenna later how she felt about it and she thought it was going good too and was glad that I was here . She said the only thing that is hard is that she is used to being alone more and that I am always " bubbly " and have something to say , and want to talk . Hee hee . . . . does that sound familiar ? I am used to so much more commotion at home , with the phone ringing , and people stopping over that sometimes it is too quiet around here for me if Diana is with her mother , and Antonio is at work . Jen and I have done a ton of talking and that is great but right now we are kind of caught up on things , and she has been more tired out . So I try and give her space . Any whoo . . . I am rambling . . . and might as well ramble my way back to the sewing machine ! Have a good night ! Me Good Morning ! Last night , Jenna and I went to see the movie Eat , Sleep , Love at the Rosebud Theater near Cranky Al 's bakery . I have never seen anything like this theater . It was a really cool experience . Can you tell I love new adventures in the city ? They had a collection of old lunch boxes and Batman items in the lobby . You can also order meals and they deliver them to your seat ! Plus you can order drinks , Margarita 's , beers , etc . And guess what the seats are ? ? ? ? Love seats with little tables in between them ! Pretty cool ! We had soda and popcorn and you can choose what kind of topper you wish to put on it and Jenna chose to put a Parmesan Garlic topping on it which was yummy . The movie was fantastic . We loved it . I cried through half of it , but I am such a mush . I told Jenna that I am kind of like a sponge and I can feel other people 's emotions , joy and pain , so I had a wet face most of the time . I could also relate to a lot of the movie . It shares a lot of life lessons , too many for me to all list , but a big one is the need to forgive one 's self for mistakes you have made in the past , let them go , start over , and let love in your heart so you can give love to others . That is all I am going to tell you . . . don 't want to spoil it for you , just in case you want to go see it ! We decided that we needed to buy the book and read that after we got out of the movie , so we buzzed over to Barnes and Noble to get that . We had supper after we got home and Jenna started reading her copy but I was kind of emotionally exhausted and went to bed . Being gone for a month has been like a sabbatical for me from my life and I have been doing a lot of thinking . So I went to bed to pray , and zonked out ! Have a great weekend ! Love , Elaine Good Morning ! Not much new here . We are still waiting for babycakes . Yesterday we made a second run to Cranky Al 's Bakery around 8am and we were able to get the famous " Crawlers " . The day before we had went around 11 and they were out already but we enjoyed the donuts ! It is a cute place and I took a bunch of pictures of it . I will load them up when I get home and on my own computer . I love old buildings and was observing the window sill as it had cool slants in the front windows and the building had great windows that would be good for displaying although they were pretty narrow . I do miss doing window displays . I loved doing them when I was in a remission , but when I was in a flare , I hated having to ask other people to carry and move everything for me . That is one thing I have problems with on good days or bad days , it is really painful to walk and carry anything any distance . I always take a shopping cart if they are available because walking and carrying a purse around is too much . Any who . . . . the Crawlers are like a cake donut and they over fry them a bit they told us and they have buttercream in them . I had a bite of Jenna 's and it was good . Really unusual . I chose an apple fritter yesterday and it was delish ! We tried to go to a beautiful historical home that the historical society has in Wauwatosa . There were a couple of ladies there working but we missed the tours , I guess they were open last weekend . It is going to be open again October 2nd , and again at Christmas time so we are hoping to go to see it then . I took some pictures from the outside and it is amazing . I can 't wait to see the inside . Otherwise we have been home pretty much the last few days . I hemmed a curtain in the kitchen , and the last pair ( I hope ! ) of Jenna 's pants . I need to make her nursing covers yet , I haven 't got that done . She was very uncomfortable in the evening last night , we finally got enough pillows around her back and feet up on a chair . She was crabby before she went to bed and was mad at herself for being so . She has been Posted by The water in the bathroom is hooked up again . They got the drain in and will be back on Thursday to do the tub faucets . Meanwhile , Jenna and Antonio got back from the doctor 's office and grocery shopping . To back up a bit , yesterday one of Jenna 's friends sent her some recipes that she received at a birthing class that are suppose to induce labor . One of them is an Eggplant Parmesan dish . Jenna talked to her doctor about this and her doctor told her that when she was pregnant she had ate this , finished up the left overs the next day and went into labor . Also that Cranky Al from Cranky Al 's bakery claims that women go into labor after eating his Crawlers ( some sort of donut ) . I guess that quite a few of her patients have ate them and went into labor with in 24 to 48 hours , she did not know if they really worked or not but that is what some of them had told her . Other doctor news is that she is back to being dilated a 1 for real , the baby is in the negative one position ( crowning is a 5 ) , the baby is in normal weight range , 7 to 8 1 / 2 pounds , there is some protein now in her urine that hasn 't been there before but her doctor doesn 't seem to be concerned about it , and if she doesn 't go into labor naturally , she will be induced on Wednesday the 18th at 6 : 30 in the morning . In the mean time . . . . my little witch doctor had headed straight for the bakery but it had already closed for the day , so I have been informed that we are going there for breakfast tomorrow . She is in the kitchen brewing up the Eggplant dish and is also going to bake the Spicy Ginger cookies that are suppose to help too . I was out there helping until there wasn 't anything more for me to do . The eggplant is layered on paper towels and I put a cutting board on top of it per Jenna 's request so that it gets the excess moisture out . She was putting fresh rosemary and basil in the pot of sauce and adding " extra " for good measure . She said she felt like she was a little witch , brewing up a magic potion . I said I was just thinking the same thing ! I told her Posted by Hello ! I decided to write a quick post while the house is quiet . Well it sort of is . . . . Jenna and Antonio are at her doctor 's appointment right now . The landlord and a plumber are here right now and have the bathroom tub tore apart . I sure hope they get it put back together soon . The kids went to a breast feeding class last night . She gave Mason his eviction notice again last night but so far he is not listening . She has loved being pregnant but now wants to hold her baby . Her due date is this Sunday , so we shouldn 't have much longer to wait . I went to Barnes and Noble last night and got a new planner . I hope to get better organized ( if that is possible ) . I got all the stamping events , birthdays , etc wrote in it last night . It is a very nice one , it has to do lists in it , grocery lists , little stickers , all sorts of places to keep track of information , make plans , and keep notes . This should eliminate all the different note pads I have going at home I think as to who has RSVP 'd to a party , special orders I need to do , etc . It will be my " go to " book for everything as I am entering everything in it . This time I went to the Barnes and Noble at Mayfair Mall . I was so proud of myself to get their with no wrong turns etc . I am actually getting so I can navigate by myself around here . Love it ! I am clipping away on my rag quilt I only have a row and a half to finish so that will be done shortly . I folded up a couple of baskets of laundry this morning for Jenna and I tried out the " how to fold a fitted sheet " from the " How to Sew on a Button " book . Jenna read some more of it this morning and loves the book . She said she wants one . They have a whole section in it about cleaning with vinegar and water and she really liked that idea that you wouldn 't have to buy so many cleaning products and not having all the chemicals around . I put together the baby monitor / TV on Sunday and got that all attached to the crib . I also did some more mending for Jenna , and put a sleeve on the back of the baby quilt that matches the crib bedding Posted by I just looked and the last time I posted was on Friday . Where do the days go ? On Saturday , Jenna and Antonio spent all day at a birthing class . Diana and I hung around here most of the day . I put up the new light switch in the baby 's room . It is so cute with all the jungle animals on it . I also was working on my rag quilt and I finished sewing that yesterday . So now all it needs is to be clipped . Diana and I went to Michaels and looked around there for awhile . I found the picket fence punch that I have been looking for , and used a 40 % off coupon on it . So I am happy about that . We also went to the library and Diana checked out 3 more books in the series she is reading . I found a Scrapbooking Baby book for Jenna which she has been enjoying and I also found a book that I had seen at Barnes and Nobles one day , so I checked that one out too . It is called How to Sew a Button , And other nifty things your grandmother knew by Erin Bried . If you have kids just starting out on their own , or need a shower gift for someone , this would make a great gift . I read it on Saturday night and now Jenna is reading it and she thinks it is a great book too and would make a good gift . Saturday night had me a little blue , and homesick for home , but I am okay again . I have not been gone this long from Mayberry for 30 years , so this is a big change for me , but I am enjoying my time here , and will probably be very sad to leave when it is time to go home . And I am sure I will not want to leave the baby ! I will definitely be back here in October , as my friend Colleen from Oregon will be flying in on October 5th and will fly out again on October 20th . So I will get lots of baby time in October as I will probably come early and stay a few days and stay again when I take her back to the airport . That 's the plan at this point anyways . Hello ! This is a card I made for a sample for last month 's stamping party with the stamp set Party Hearty . I like this set a lot . It is so versatile . The pendants are actually the party hats stamped with out the tassle on them , then cut out , and flipped upside down , and hung on some pink crochet cotton . Yesterday we spent most of the day running around in the car . We went to pick up a friend of Antonio 's so that he could work on Antonio 's car . We also had to take him to pickup his tool bag out of his wife 's car , and then made a couple of trips to salvage yards , he fixed the car , and then we took him back home again . By that time it was time for Antonio to get off work and we went to Pick and Save and then home for the night . A busy day . The State Fair is on now and we are not that far from it so when you go up to Greenfield Ave to go anywhere now , the traffic is pretty busy , as that is the State Fair park exit . I was up town this morning to pick up a loaf a bread and get gas . Pretty crazy out there . I think I will stay in and sew ! I just finished reading a book on how to set up your quilting space and it has a lot of pictures of sewing rooms . I wrote down a few notes of a few changes that I want to make my room work more efficiently and I wrote down what size plastic rulers to use when folding fabric . It was an interesting book . Jenna 's swelling is really starting to come down and her feet are looking more normal all the time . I think that I forgot to tell you that when she was at her appointment on Tuesday that the doctor did not think that the baby would drop any more based on where his butt and head are located . The doctor also thinks that she will have an 8lb . baby . Zach 's prediction is on the 12th , and Kelly Madero think it will be on the 9th . Diana wants it to be before she goes back to her mom 's on Monday . So we will see . Hopefully it will be soon ! Hugs ! Elaine I thought I would try to get a quick post in before we head out the door . I just finished my shower . I love my new wash and wear haircut . It is so fast and so much cooler . I have pretty thick hair and when I remember to get a shorter hairdo in the summer , it feels so much better ! Jenna is in the shower now and we are headed to pick up a friend of Antonio 's to work on his car today . Antonio had to start work at 7 this morning , and Diana is trying to wake up . She sure was in a silly mood last night . We were fighting and playing around like sisters last night . I took her for a walk after supper and she chattered all way and appeared to wind down , but shortly after we were back home she was at it again . Guess she needed to let off some steam . I was working on rag quilt squares yesterday and we went to church in the evening . They have mid week Wed . services in the summer which are casual and quite different but it was very moving and I enjoyed it a lot . We made a trip to Aldi 's afterwards before heading home to have supper . I definitely want to do some grocery shopping at Aldi 's before I come home . They have some very good deals and Jenna loves the food from there . Edith talked to Antonio 's mother last week on the phone . She has delivered a lot of babies in Mexico and she told Edith that when the swelling goes down in Jenna 's feet for a couple of days , then she will have the baby . It seems to be going down the last few days , kind of back and forth . But I just looked at her feet and they look the best they have looked this morning . Maybe the baby will come soon . You would not believe the size her feet and calves have been . I truly believe that her feet have been 4 times her normal size . She calls her toes little pork sausages . It amazes me that she can walk on them and that they don 't bother her more . She is tired and uncomfortable now and ready for the baby to arrive . She gave Mason his eviction notice last night and told him that there is no more room for him in there any more and that he needs to get out . LOL Diana also was telling me things " that Mason told her " , apparently Mason has a cell phone and they talk , LOL One of the things she told me that Mason said is that I have to share the brownies , that I live with other people now and not by myself . . . . lol We had been joking earlier that we would have brownie sundaes last night but we were too full from supper . I said that I would have just had the brownie sundae for supper . LOL Diana laughed at supper when I said that and she said that she likes how I think . : - ) Hannah Fritz is due around the same time as Jenna , ( the 12th ) and she did not get good news at the doctor 's this week either . They always are comparing notes . . . lol It is funny that their babies are due around the same time . As my babies were due the same time as class mates too . Betty Russell was in my class and we were both due around the 23rd of March . I think that is when Nick was born , Jenna was early and came the 9th . Linda Wormet and I were both due the same weekend with Sarah and Brianna . Brianna was born April 2 and Sarah April 3 . And when Jenna was born , Debbie ( Collins ) Warren was in the same hospital room as me when she had Danielle , and her sister PamPosted by Good Morning ! I am writing to you in the wee hours of the morning , it seems to be the best time to get a blog post done . On Sunday morning , I took Antonio to work and he wanted to stop at El Ray 's , a mexican grocery store , as on Sunday 's he brings in Mexican food to work , which every one loves , and they all chip in to pay for it . On the way there , I got to see Miller Park , which I had never seen before , quite impressive . I didn 't go into El Ray 's this time , I just waited in the van as I want to go in there when I have time to look around and Antonio was just making a quick trip in there . But it was quite interesting sitting outside and watching things . As I told Jenna , learning about the Mexican community is a whole new world for me at times . She said she felt like that at first too . The windows were completely papered with advertisements written in Spanish that were quite colorful . A police officer was standing outside the door , just like they are outside of so many stores in Milwaukee . A vendor pulled up with a van and was unloading a food cart and I was watching him set that all up . I found out later from Jenna that the van on the other side of the parking lot is where Antonio gets these fantastic sandwiches that he brings home for us . I haven 't had one for a long time but they are huge , and very good . I love them . I was asking Jenna about the grocery store later and she says their is even a restaurant in there , a place to get cell phones , pay your dish bill , all kinds of stuff like that as she says that the mexican 's don 't know how or where to go for those things when they first arrive here . Interesting . After I dropped him off at work , I went to the USA Family Thrift store and dropped off the stuff in the van that I had tried to get rid of the day before . That thrift store is interesting as they have sheets of peg board up high all over the store that have Barbie dolls attached to them , and none of them are for sale . All different kinds of dolls with different outfits on them . There must be thousands of themPosted by I hope this finds you all well . Yesterday we kind of had a lazy day . Jenna and I were to go up town to run some errands , but we ended up talking for hours and finally went up town about three thirty ! We had hoped to drop off the clothes they have been cleaning out of closets at a thrift shop but when we got there , they were no longer accepting donations for the day . Go figure ! So I guess I will have to go back another day . ; - ) But the store was open and we spent some time in their . Jenna thought it was kind of a weird store . It was my second time there and I kind of like it . I just found a bag with pink felt in in it and some off white , this trip , but it was a lot of felt for very cheap . Jenna got a bunch of disney books for the baby , a cute little bag sleeper with ducks on it and a couple of little pair of pants . She still needs some more crib sheets as she only has two but I have not been able to find any more so far . Hopefully we will find some in our travels soon . We did find a boppy cover the other day . Her friend Kelly is going to let her use hers . It is a nice fleece that zippers around the pillow . After we washed it one of the seams had come open so guess who had another mending job , but that was a quick one . We made a stop at Walgreens so I could pick up my prescription , and we got some other things before heading home to do a quick clean up of the house before the cookout . I did sew a market bag on Friday that I should take some pictures of to show you all . It turned out cute , and was fairly easy to make , and I think I will make them to sell as everyone is into using cloth bags so that they don 't have to use plastic ones now . I really saw that a lot at the flea market this summer , and Jenna is really into that . An attempt that people are making to Go Green . Any whoo . . . this one has a tie on the side of the bag and folds up very small so that you can throw it ( or several ) right in your purse . Very handy . I will have to talk to Jen to see if it is okay if I load some pictures on her computer to show you itPosted by Hi ! My name is Elaine and I live in Friendship , WI which I have fondly nicknamed Mayberry . I love living in this small town . I have been crafting and quilting for many years . I was introduced to stamping about 7 years ago and fell in love with it . My current love is crocheting . It is so portable and it is something easy to take back and forth when I am babysitting the grand kids . I am so thankful for all the wonderful friends I have made since taking up these hobbies ! |
I woke up slowly even though the alarm was right beside my head and was screaming for attention . I silently chastised myself for yet another late night as I hit the snooze button for ' just five more minutes ' . It was a relatively new habit , but was really starting to take its toll on me . Thirty seconds later the alarm was screaming for attention again . At least that was what it felt like . This time I actually looked at the blurry red digits and cursed . I 'm going to be late again and I know I 'm going to get an ear full from Mom . At least I didn 't have to think about what to wear . My school uniform was the typical gray wool pants , white shirt , tartan tie and black dress shoes . Just like everyone else . In record time I washed my face , brushed my teeth and hair and I headed down the stairs expecting to be chewed out from Mom again for being late . Instead I found the house empty . Since breakfast was out of the question , I grabbed a cereal bar and looked for my school bag . I found it at the front door , with a note from Mom on top of it : Great ! Now I have to fight my way through the lunch crowd for vending machine food . This day is off to a wonderful start already . Now if I could just get through the gauntlet . That 's the name that my friends and I had given the time between arriving at school and first bell . That was the time when there were far too many people in the halls and far too few teachers to monitor them . Stepping out of the house and locking the door I looked at the sky . Dark gray clouds threatened rain . I just hoped it would wait until I got to school before it started , but I already knew how my luck usually went . As I walked through the doors of the school my wet shoes made squeaking sounds on the floor . I got three quarters of the way to school before fate turned on the sprinklers . There was nothing I could do about the soaking wet pants and changing into my gym shoes was not an option either . The teachers didn 't accept any deviation from the dress code . At least not for the boys ! The girls seemed to be able to get away with a little variation , but not much . At least they had the option of long pants in winter and skirts in the warmer weather . We just had to sweat it out in wool pants all year long . I made it to my locker without incident , and found Tyler already waiting for me . Tyler had been one of my friends before he morfed last year . Back then he was a skinny , short kid just like me , and just about as unpopular . MORFS had been the best thing to ever happen to him . MORFS didn 't give him any powers but it turned into something like a Greek God . He was now about 6 feet 2 , blond hair , blue eyes , very athletic build and very popular with the girls . This year he had joined the football team and was having an almost perfect season . He was even holding his own with some of the physically enhanced members of the team . " This had better be an A , or I 'll be looking for yeah ! " The standard warning , I didn 't expect anything less these days . With football , girls and hanging out with the other Neanderthals from the football team , Tyler had started to use me as his own personal assistant . This was the thirteenth essay I had written for him this year . Well , the year was almost over and Tyler was looking at a full football scholarship if he kept playing at this level . Since I was heading to a technical college I wouldn 't have to deal with his type again , I hoped . " It better be ! " With that , Tyler walked away with the essay and my dignity . What could I do ? At 5 feet 5 inches and only 125 pounds , it 's not likely I 'd be able to hold my own in a fight . I could only see two options available to me . Hope for a major growth spurt or maybe get lucky and catch something that would trigger MORFS . At eighteen , neither of these seems likely anymore . I know other people have gone though MORFS as late as their mid twenties , it 's just that they were rare and most of the time without pleasant results . Bill laughed as he literally popped into view . I have no idea where the popping sound came from , but it was a cool effect . " You need to stand up to him one of these days . If you two get caught you 'll both get expelled ! " " Yeah , like that 's going to happen . Standing up to him worked out so well for you , didn 't it ? " Bill didn 't like to talk about the beating that Tyler had given him when he tried to stand up to him . Not that he had to worry about that anymore . MORFS had given him the ability to avoid any physical attack just be not being there . I still can 't figure out how he 's able to talk without any physical body . The popping sound every time he used it was weird too , but what do I know about MORFS . " Of course I am . I 'm not that stupid . " Not only did I have a copy of every piece of work , I also had all the references , source material and a recording of most of the hand offs . I had big plans for that stuff . It was a risk making the recordings , but I thought it was worth it . " What ever do you mean ? " The sarcastic , innocent tone was a dead give away . Bill had been popping in and out to check all the upcoming mid semester tests the teachers where giving everyone . It was our little advantage , and the only way I was keeping my good marks with the added work load . " Stop calling me Weasel , you know I don 't like it . " Bill pleaded . Ever since he got MORFS and picked up his little disappearing act I 'd been calling him Pop Goes the Weasel , or just plain Weasel . Mostly because I knew he hated it . " Pop quiz tomorrow on the War of 1812 , " Bill said , avoiding the subject again . " Nothing to worry about and I already send an outline of the questions to you . You should have it in your mail . " Science class was up first and was my favorite subject , but today I was just not into it . I was too tired and couldn 't concentrate on anything . Fortunately , Mr . Lewis liked me and knew I 'd pick it up anyway , so I was fine . English was another story . Ms Gilbert seemed to have it in for me . She constantly would say , " You have such potential if only you would just make an effort . " Today was no different with the exception of me being so tired ! By the time that we broke for lunch I just wanted to sleep . I didn 't even want lunch , which was a good thing as the vending machines all had long lines at them . I wouldn 't get anything even if I was hungry . I just sat at the table with Bill and put my head in my hands . It was nice to just rest for a minute . That was until I heard Bill 's distinctive pop . My head was up and I was looking around for the reason when I say Tyler heading my way , and he didn 't look like he was going to thank me for the essay . " You are fuckin ' dead meat , Camilla ! " I hated that name and it wasn 't even that imaginative , but I 've learned not to expect much from Tyler . I was frozen in place and just too tired to do anything anyway . As he got closer he threw the memory stick at me and said , " The dam thing 's blank idiot . You gave me the wrong one . " I pulled out the second memory stick I had in my pocket and looked at the ID tag . I had given him the wrong one . All I could thing of was , " this is gonna hurt ! " As Tyler pulled me to my feet and started to drag me out of the cafeteria for the beating that he was going to enjoy a little too much , I was overwhelmed with nausea and felt dizzy . " I 'm gonna puke ! " I warned Tyler . Not surprisingly , he didn 't care . That was until I threw up on his pants and shoes ! I was lucky that a teacher had heard Tyler yelling at me and saw him trying to pull me outside when this happened . " What 's going on here ! " demanded my savior . I just wished that I could thank him instead of throwing up again . It was around this time that the whole world went black . I woke up for the second time that day in the nurse 's office and smelling like an open sewer . I felt even worse , if that 's possible . The nurse saw that I was awake and came over to me . The name tag on her uniform said Gail , or Dale or something . It was hard to focus . I was about to start asking questions when my Mom walked in . ' Gail ' turned to my Mom and said , " It 's okay Mrs . McMichael . Cameron seems to be feeling a bit ill . " " William Smyth and Mr . Benson brought him in . " Bill hated the name that name more than Weasel , but that was what his parents had registered him at the school as and all the teachers and staff called him that . " William was telling me that Cameron 's been tired since this morning and suddenly passed out in the cafeteria at lunch . " Not entirely the truth , but it 's not like Tyler was going to get into trouble anyway . At this news my Mom sat on the side of the couch . I have to give her credit ; she only wrinkled her nose a little when she got a good whiff of me but didn 't say anything . " Now that you 're awake I 'd like to do a quick test , " the nurse said . She pulled out a small box and attached it to my finger . I was just about to ask what it was when it stabbed me . The test only took a few minutes to come back positive . YES ! Something good came out of this day after all . However , from the look on Mom 's face you would have thought I had a deadly disease . I remember hearing of all the deaths from long ago , but not anymore . I 'm sure people still died from MORFS , but not as long as they got treated for it . And that is exactly where we headed , after I changed clothes . Thanks Mom ! The wait in the hospital wasn 't as long as I expected , or maybe it was just a blur because I was so out of it . The next that I remember was getting home with the attached arm mounted IV unit and blissful , dreamless sleep . I woke up late in the afternoon and still felt terrible , but nature called and I had no choice but to answer it . After I finished and was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror . I didn 't look any different . Maybe it was still too early for any changes yet , I hoped ! Once back in bed I replaced the canister in the arm unit and fell back to sleep . The next time I woke up I felt a lot better , not quite over it but better . This time I didn 't look into the mirror as I wanted to be completely finished with any changes before I saw the new me . On waking the next time I looked at the arm band unit before anything else . The status indicator showed that Stage 2 was now completed and the unit had automatically removed the needle and shut off . I grabbed my tablet from the night table by my bed and looked at the date and time . This can 't be right ! I 've only been out for a little over two days . I removed the arm band unit and headed for the bathroom . I looked into the mirror and immediately wanted to cry . I looked the same ! It 's not fair ! Getting MORFS , felling terrible , being out cold for over two days and nothing ! Not even a change in my eyes or hair color , damn it ! Well might as well let Mom know , she 'll be relieved . But first , I needed a nice long hot shower to make me feel human again . " Yeah , I 'm just really hungry . I thought that it always took three days or more before you where up again ? " Like Mom would know . She avoided MORFS as much as possible . She never caught it herself when she was a teenager and never bothered to look into any of the information that the school regularly sent home on it . " Well I guess you 're just lucky that way " she said with a bit of pride in her voice . Lucky wasn 't how I would have put it . I was hoping for some major changes . Muscles would have been nice , or a few inches taller . Hell , I 'd have even liked some sort of hybrid or , better yet , a gender change . Anything would have been better than . . . me . I had actually thought a lot about MORFS and the possibility that it might turn me into a girl . There were actually a few Twisty 's that I knew of in our school . Girls turned into boys or the other way around . Being calling a Twisty started as an insult and they took the name and used it like a badge of honor . I could have accepted being a girl . " School ? No one will be expecting me back until at least Monday ! " I can 't believe Mom still expected me to go to school after this . " Shouldn 't I be going to see the Doctor again ? I thought that I needed to get a post MORFS scan , or something . " At least that would put off school for another day . " Fine , I 'll call and make an appointment at the clinic for you this afternoon . But you 'll have to go on your own . I have to get to work . " And yet another classic move from Mom to avoid MORFS at all cost . If I wasn 't so hungry I would have just gone back up to my room , but I needed something to eat . So I opened the fridge and started pulling out the eggs and bacon , my standard when I had time to cook it . Mom left me to my breakfast and headed into the spare bedroom she used for her office to call the clinic . Three eggs and way too much bacon later I was finally full and Mom was off the phone . " King Street , that means I have to go all the way downtown ! Why can 't I just go to the one by the mall ? " It was a really cool looking place with all the latest scanners and even had a full time telepath on staff . The receptionist that could be seen through the front doors also looked really cute with her neon green hair . " That place is a private clinic . Medical insurance only covers the cost of the downtown one . You know we can 't afford to pay the difference for the other place . " Money has been really tight since Dad left us . He was paying child support payments to my Mom , but that stopped last fall when I turned eighteen . At least we still had the house and didn 't have to move out after the divorce . I still can 't believe he left us to be with his new girlfriend . I don 't know what hurt Mom more , that Cindy was a cat hybrid , or that she was about ten years younger . " Okay Mom , I 'll be there . " There really was no other option . The only other clinic was even further away and in a really bad part of town . That was the free clinic run by the hospital and it catered to the really poor or homeless in the city . People went there only if they had no other choice . " I have to get going or I 'll be late for work , " she said as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door . " Call me from the clinic if you need anything . " She gave me a brief hug and kissed me on the forehead as she left to catch her bus . I still bothered me that I was eighteen , had likely stopped growing and I was still shorter than my own mother . Oh well , at least I had about fours hours of quality online time before heading to the bus . I went back upstairs to my room to get my tablet and log into the net . I could still pretend to be anything that I wanted to be online . It 's not like anyone could find out what I was doing online anyway . The computer took a few minutes to start all the applications and connect to the net . I was still dreaming of the day that I would be able to buy a new one , or even an eCom . The computer beeped as it made the connection to the online chat room that I had secretly been a member to for about a year now . There were several messages waiting for me to look at , but I was more interested to see who was online at the moment . Before I could even say anything in the chat room the instant message screen popped up . ' Cool ' pop up at the same time that the incoming call indicator flashed . I hit answer and said , " Morning , how are you ? " One of the other programs instantly altered my voice to what everyone online thought was the real me . " I 've missed your sexy voice , where have you been ? " Burnout had a deep sexy voice that reminded me of my Dad 's . I just hoped that it was his real voice and not simulated like mine was . " Oh I 've been busy . You know usual stuff " , first rule in keeping this illusion alive was never to give out to much personal information . You never really know who you could be talking to . No matter how long you 've been talking online . " So when are we ever going to get together ? " This had been a common theme with him for that last few weeks . Either he was starting to suspect something , or the last few sessions had really got to him . I just smiled to myself from the memory of the last one . " So who else is on today ? " I thought it was a good time to change subjects . I hated to keep putting him off , but it 's not like we would ever be able to meet now . This was another reason that I was hoping for a better outcome from MORFS . " You just missed The Wiz . He just signed off . He said something about needing to get some sleep if he was going to be able to do anything at work . " " Aw , I love talking to him . He has such a beautiful accent . " The Wizard of Oz was from somewhere in Australia , of course , and the time difference usually meant we missed each other a lot . As we continued to talk I checked my messages and replied to most of them . Later we entered one of the chat rooms and caught up with a few of my other online friends and what they were doing . Before long it was time for me to say goodbye to everyone and head to the clinic . The ride was uneventful , thankfully , and the short walk to the clinic from the bus stop allowed me to enjoy the cool spring day . As I got closer to the clinic my heart sank . There was a small group of protester outside with picket signs . REPENT was written on one and ABOMINATIONS TO GOD on another . I stopped reading any more of them . I just looked at my shoes as I walked down the sidewalk and then made a sudden turn into the clinic before anyone notice that was my intention . Getting out on the other hand was not going to be fun . I signed in at the reception desk and sat down and tried not to stare too much . I couldn 't help but look at one little girl sitting there playing with her doll . Her mother reading magazine that looked like it was printed a hundred years ago . She was about 10 or 12 and an obvious cat hybrid . All I could do was look at her and think of my Dad . I missed him but Mom was making it hard for me to be able to see him . She still had a lot of anger in her about the whole thing and just assumed that I felt the same way . I looked through some of the magazines as well , but the selection was somewhat limited . I didn 't find anything that I was interested in , so I just continued to look around and day dreamed . Shortly after the little girl and her mother where called into one of the examination rooms , my name was called . The nurse showed me to a small room with two chairs and an examination table that looked older than me . I sat in one of the chairs and waited . Didn 't this guy read anything from the chart before coming in ? " I tested positive at my school on Tuesday . The hospital gave me an arm unit and it turned off this morning . " " Well lets take a look at you , " as he indicated the examination table . I waited for a second for him to replace the disposable cover until he said , " Come on up you get . I don 't have all day . " " Fine , " I thought and sat on the table . He started with the standard doctor stuff like blood pressure , heart rate and listened to my breathing . Then he pulled out a hand scanner and passed it over my body . Thankfully I didn 't have to get completely undressed . He looked closely at the readout on his medical tablet . He stepped out of the room and left me waiting for the next level of embarrassment . I was confused when the door opened again and another boy about the same age as me walked in . " Can I help you ? " I asked a little annoyed . Who is this guy and why is he coming in . " Hi Cameron , my name 's David . I 'm here to scan you for any powers that you might have gotten from MORFS . " How could this guy have enough experience to be able to scan anyone ? " How old are you ? How long have you been doing this ? " It 's not like I had any idea what kind of answer I was looking for but it just sort of came out . If I did have anything I wanted to make sure that they got it right . This whole experience has been just a big waste of time . " Well if it makes any difference , I 'm 23 and I 've been doing this for 2 years now . " It was clear that I had struck a nerve with David . I guess he got this type of comment a lot . He didn 't look 23 and I have no clue how long it takes to become trained at reading people . " Nothing , just try to relax and not think about anything . " He looked at me for a second then closed his eyes . Suddenly my scalp became very itchy , like there where ants crawling through my hair . I almost started to scratch , but just sat still and let it happen . David opened his eyes and got a puzzled look on his face . " Are you sure you had MORFS ? " " I 'll have to get the doctor to check . " David explained . " If you didn 't , you know you will have to pay for this visit . Your insurance won 't cover it if it 's a false alarm . " David left the examination room at that time to look for the doctor . I was getting nervous , if the test was negative I 'd have to pay for the check up and I didn 't have any money . It seemed like forever as I waited for the doctor thinking about what I would do . He finally came in and took some blood and said I could go . " Aren 't you going to test it for MORFS ? " I asked . I had decided that I wanted to know as well and wanted them to test it even if it would mean more money . " We don 't have the equipment here to check for the DNA markers . I 'll have to send it to one of the medical labs for testing , " he explained . " I 'll contact you with the results . " I left the clinic feeling cheated . Did I have MORFS or not ? If not , maybe there was still hope for me . But the school nurse and the hospital doctor both tested me and both said I was positive . All these thoughts and ideas where running around in my head and I guess I wasn 't really paying attention to where I was going . As I walked back to the bus area to get a ride back home I walked right into someone and knocked us both to the ground . I was about to get angry at the person and vent my frustration at whoever it was that walked into me when I looked at her and stopped . The girl that I had knocked to the ground was gorgeous . She was about the same size as me but clearly a few years older with dark hair , dark eyes and olive colored skin . She might have been Italian , or Hispanic or half a dozen other ethnic backgrounds . She could even have been some combination of all of them in this city . Her clothes where very sexy and left little to the imagination , although a bit worn . The over the top make up and hair style made it quite clear , even to an eighteen year old for the suburbs , what line of work she was in . I just couldn 't stop staring at her eyes , even angry they where beautiful . " Why don 't you look where the hell you going ! " she yelled at me . I got up quickly and apologized about a dozen times . As she put her hand onto the ground and attempted to stand she winched . Apparently she had injured her hand when she fell , as I could see some blood on her fingers . I offered to help her up and she just looked at me for a moment and then held out her hand . I immediately took hold of her hand and pulled her to her feet . Obviously she was right handed , even though injured she still used it to get to her feet . It seemed that one of the many rings that she wore had cut into her finger , causing it to bleed a little . It was a minor cut and nothing to worry about which was made even clearer as she inspected the ring instead of the cut to her finger . " You 're lucky that I didn 't loose a stone from this , " she said indicating the ring . After a brief look of disgust she stormed off , heading to who knows where . I just stood there for a moment in shock . As I started to walk towards the bus area again , I noticed some blood on my hand . After looking more closely to ensure that I hadn 't been cut as well , I absently wiped it off on my pants and continued on . " You 're filthy ! Look at your hands and face . " I looked , but didn 't really notice anything . " Go wash up before dinner , you 're not eating like that . " I turned and headed to the downstairs bathroom and turned on the light . I looked into the mirror at myself and idly wondered , " Where did I get a tan from ? " My hands and face where both a slight bit darker than normal . I washed both my hands and face to see if it was actually a tan or just dirt , as my Mom has said . It didn 't come off , so it must have been a tan . Weird . I told her everything that happened and about the blood test they would be doing to see if it really was MORFS or not . I even had to tell her that they might send her a bill if the test came back negative . While I was explaining things to Mom I couldn 't stop yawning . I guess after the long day and eating so much I needed a nap . " Oh . . . " YAWN . . . " Kay , " I tried to say and headed up stairs . Once in the bathroom I leaned against the counter for support and got undressed , turned on the shower and stepped in . The hot water was very soothing and I didn 't want to get out , but I was getting more tired and needed to go lay down . I toweled off in the steam filled room and wrapped a towel around my waist before heading to my room . The next thing I know I 'm awake laying on top of my bed in a fetal position tangled up in a towel . I guess I didn 't make it into bed after all . The sun was up and streaming into my room though the window , so I must have slept all night like that . No wonder I feel stiff and sore . I rolled over onto my stomach to get the light out of my eyes when I got a sharp pain in my chest . I rolled back and look down to see what 's in my bed that I rolled onto when I saw something that just shouldn 't be there . Two shapely breasts on a chest that was several shades darker than my usual pasty white skin . The blood curdling scream that came out of me was definitely not my voice and just made me scream again . This was a vicious cycle that continued until my Mom burst through my bedroom door . The high pitched screams of a young woman was replaced by two people screaming . At some point in time I realized that I was still naked . I grabbed the towel and tried to cover myself up . Since I was still tangled in it all I was able to do was fall out of bed onto the floor . She took a deep breath and steadied herself before talking . " It must be from MORFS , " she said calmly . Her voice was like a beacon , or a life line for my sanity . " But why now ? Why didn 't I change earlier ? " This made no sense . I knew that MORFS could do almost anything to a person 's body , but I never heard of it happening like this . If you 're going to change it was when you 're out cold and as sick as a dog , not a day later and over night ! The initial shock was wearing off and I was starting to think a little more clearly . An idea just popped into my head and I had to check . I held the towel around me and went to the bathroom to get a better look at myself . I wobbled awkwardly to the bathroom , looked into the mirror and gasped ! It was her . . . me ! I mean I looked just like the girl I knocked over yesterday . It was one of the details that I had left out of the conversation with Mom at dinner last night . I quickly explained what happened after I left the clinic , the girl that I knocked over , the blood on her hand and how I had got some on myself when I helped her up . " Well I 'll call the hospital and see if we can get you in again , " stated Mom . " Maybe they can explain what happened and how . " She left me in the bathroom and headed downstairs to call the hospital . I took the time alone to take a better look at myself . I leaned in closer to the mirror and started with my face . I looked deep into her . . . my eyes . Large eyes with large iris that was so dark it was almost black . Looking further down was a small button nose with a cute upward turn at the end . Full lips that begged to be kissed and straight white teeth that hid a pink tongue was next to come into view . My whole face was framed by straight black hair that came down below my shoulders . As I lowered the towel further to see more I got a good look at myself from the waist up . My eyes went straight to my chest . They were smaller that I thought . It must have been the different angle I was seeing them from . As I looked at myself I tried to decide if they where a B or a C cup . Well it 's not like I had a lot of experience in that area . I guess I 'd find out soon enough . Now for the moment of truth , I needed to know if the change was ' complete ' of not . I dropped the towel to the floor while staring at the image in the mirror . I saw something that I 'd only seen in images from the internet , or in my dreams , a female vagina . I just smiled at myself , I was a Twisty . I was happy ; I didn 't care how it happened or why . I was out of my old dull boring body and dull boring life . I could start over again . All the possibilities just started to fly through my head . I could meet new friends ; wear all kinds of new cloths and no more boys Physical Education . That was always my least favorite class in school with all the people who just seemed to like humiliating me , including the teacher . The girls locker room would be a new experience , isn 't that every boys dream come true ? I guess it was time to have a talk with Mom . How do you start a conversation with your parent about being a bisexual and gender dysphoric ? Well , I guess just bisexual now . It was the longest talk that I had ever had with my Mom , and the most that I had ever cried since I was about six . I found out that she was more upset about the possibility of losing her son than me changing into a girl . I had to reassure her several times that she was still my Mom and I was still her child , just in better packaging . She laughed at that comment . We arrived at the hospital after a small delay at home . Nothing fit ! We even tried some of Mom 's clothes , but I was still too small for anything that she had . We finally ended up with Mom 's shorts and sandals and a tee shirt of mine that was way to long for my new shape . I thought I was still the same height , but the tee shirt was now down to mid thigh . A few more inches and I could have used it as a short dress . It was one more thing to add to the growing list of girl stuff to figure out . After the hospital Mom promised to take me shopping for some of the more basic stuff , like bra 's and underwear . Right now , it was whatever I could put on to get to the hospital . Walking to the car all I wanted to do was grab hold to stop the bouncing . This was definitely not going to be fun ! " Mrs . McMichael , back again ? " I didn 't even notice that it was the same doctor that had diagnosed me with MORFS just four days ago . " And who do we have here today ? " " Oh ! Sorry , " Dr . Bennett said while staring at me . Sorry for the stupid question or sorry for my new body I didn 't know and didn 't really want to know . " So you 're here for a post MORFS check up then . " It wasn 't a question as much as a statement . " Oh , " he was obviously surprised by this . I guess there was nothing in my records about it yet . " You woke up like this yesterday ? " he asked looking at me . " Um . . . no , " I said quietly . This was going to take a while to explain . Before my Mom could say anything else I launched into the story about going to the clinic downtown . I was tired of Mom answering all the questions for me . I tried to give him as much detail as possible about all the events . I even told him about the blood , being hungry and eventually falling asleep from being so tired and then waking up this morning . " Okay , " Dr Bennett finally said after I finished my story . " It sounds like you got shape shifting from MORFS , but we should be able to check for that easily . You should be able to change back eventually . " I decided to keep quiet about that . There was no need to tell him that I didn 't want to change back . The examination was completely different than yesterdays . I was made to change out of all my clothes and into a hospital gown . I held it closed as much as I could , but keep thinking that my butt was showing . I think that I was hooked up to every available piece of medical equipment that was in the place . This included a full body image scanner that made my skin itch as the light passed over me . It felt like they where trying to cook the skin off me . The last procedure was a session with the hospital telepath to scan for MORFS related abilities . At least this time I didn 't have to worry if they had experience . The telepath was and older woman with short stylist gray hair and a friendly face . " Hello Cameron , I hope they haven 't been poking and prodding at you too much today , " she said with a slight chuckle . " My name is Dr . Paterson , but you can call me Patty . " " Okay , good " said Patty as she sat in the chair beside me . As she turned to look at me her eyes had already rolled to the back of you head . At least I hoped they had . There was no pupil or iris to her eyes , just white , and I felt the tingling on my scalp again . This lasted for a whole thirty seconds before Patty closed her eyes for a few seconds and then opened them again . This time they where back to normal . " You have to let me in for this to work , " she said . She sounded a little annoyed , but not much . I suspected this had happened a few times before . " Okay , " that sounded too simple to work , but I would give it a try . Patty closed her eyes for a few seconds again and then looked at me with those weird eyes . I could feel my scalp tingle and I visualized in my mind opening the front door to our house and waited . Patty just stared and I continued to wait . It was a lot more than thirty seconds this time and Patty face was making all sorts of strange expressions . I got the impression things weren 't going well . Patty closed her eyes again and the tingling stopped . " Well we did every test available for MORFS and from what we 've got back it seems you 've never had it , " he explained . " It also seems that Dr Paterson wasn 't able to see any signs of MORFS abilities . She was initially looking for shape shifting , but continued to look for anything at all . There wasn 't any . " " I have no idea what game you 're playing but I don 't find it funny at all . " He was completely serious . The look on his face and the anger in his voice made the painfully clear . " No Mrs . McMichael , " Dr Bennett continued . " This isn 't your son . This is some sort of impostor trying to take advantage of you to get away from her messed up life . " " No , you 're wrong , " my Mom said . She sounded like she was starting to get angry with the doctor . " I know my son . I don 't know that much about MORFS , but I know that person is my Cameron . " |
More ice cream experimenting today . The first batch yesterday didn 't turn out , as I wanted . Oh I ate it all and I 'll tell you , I know what past scientist went through . I 'll hit on the right mixture and cooking temperature soon I hope , but until then ; I 'll have to keep eating my failures . Yeah , yeah , yeah I know . It 's only ice cream , but it 's not . I 'm looking at it as the ice cream that will save the world . Soon everybody will be eating FM 's ice cream and all the worries of the world will melt away . OK I know it 's a little overboard , but it 's a nice thought . In other news , the relatives left last night . They always travel at night . Some people don 't like to do that , but when I used to do most of my long driving I would always leave at night . When my girls were small I found that was the best way to travel . The first hour or two into the trip they would sleep the rest of the way , plus not as much traffic . I went through Houston a couple of time during rush hour and that convinced me I didn 't want to be stuck in traffic when my girls were awake . You ever have a six year old tell you she has to go to the bathroom right now , right now , and you 're in a traffic jam . It 's not a pretty picture . So I made it a point to hit the big cities in the middle of the night when there was little to no traffic . I felt that fit into my slackerly mode very well . As I 've said before , a little time in planning will produce loads of time in slacking . Well it 's off to the ice cream laboratory ( my kitchen ) to try a new batch . I figure after I hit it big , that I 'll name a flavor after everyone that comes to visit . However , there are many gallons to go before that happens . I 've got a lot happening today . I 'm still working on my relative 's computer . It took me about an hour to delete one program last night . I told them last night if worse comes to worse , I 'd take the original disks that came with their computer and reformat their hard drive . They don 't have anything important on it and I 've already backed up all their important stuff on disc . I 've also got the café to host at Booman Tribune , and today , yes today ; I get to use the new ice cream maker . Yeee Haw ! I decided by early evening I 'd be so sated with ice cream I won 't want anymore until maybe late tonight or at the latest tomorrow . So between computers , ice cream and the normal stuff I have to do , I anticipate a busy day . I hope everyone else has a most slackerly day . Last night when I was helping my sister and b - I - l with their computer I saw where they had been cleaning things out of their pantry . I saw a brand new soft serve ice cream maker and told her that they would have to let me use it sometimes . She said they had never used it and if I wanted to , to take it home and experiment . Well I love ice cream . I don 't know why , but a big bowl of ice cream before bedtime always puts me right to sleep . I won 't be able to use it until tomorrow because the instructions say the freezer part has to stay in the fridge freezer for 24 hours . But after everything is prepared and done , it only takes 30 minutes to make soft serve ice cream . I know that with homemade it will cost more than the store bought stuff , but like the cooking shows say , you know what 's going into your recipes . The instruction manual gives you 8 or 10 different recipes , but on those you have to use egg yolks and cook and so on . I was wondering if anybody has a favorite recipe that precludes cooking . I know I can google , but I 'd like to hear of anyone 's favorite home made recipe . Like I said this is going to be a lot of experimenting for me . Who knows , I might hit on a recipe that becomes world famous . I used to love a store bought one called pistachio chocolate truffle . Alas it 's no long made . However , now that I can experiment , I 'm figuring on something with a southern flare . Maybe barbecue or pimento cheese ice cream . What do ya think ? Things here are returning pretty much to normal . Well as normal as they can get with the relatives here . Everytime they come for extended periods it takes awhile for a routine to be established . Who is going to do what and who is going to clean up after whom . They 're here often enough it would seem we would just fall into a routine , but it always take time . I just got over a bad migraine and I 'm hoping to have a little time of normalcy before another one . I never know though . At least with the relatives here , I don 't have to worry about the migraine and taking care of Family Mom at the same time . One check mark on the plus side for that . Everyone decided to go and visit my 99 year old Aunt today . So I 'm going to stay home and SLACK . I won 't completely slack , because George , Cat and Tom won 't let me , but it 's nice to know that I won 't be called on for a little while . I think I see a nap on the horizon . I haven 't written in a couple of days because I haven 't felt that good . Between that and relatives home , there 's been no time for the computer . We finally had some rain the other day , which means the grass is not as brown and it 'll start growing again . It 's a never - ending cycle . This won 't be a long post today , but I hope everyone is doing fine . Everyone has his or her phobias and I have mine - snakes and heights . Snakes I still have to deal with , but luckily not very often . Heights aren 't that bad to me except for narrow paths on mountain sides and firetowers . This is a story about vertigo to an extreme and how close you can come to getting yourself killed from a phobia and stupidity . The time and place were the early seventies and where I live . I have a good friend that we used to go on what we called tours . In his old beat up car we would hit all the back road we could find and tour for hours on end . On this one tour we decided to buy some strawberry wine . Don 't ask me why because I hate the stuff , but we did . We 're far back in the country on a dirt road and we stop by a fire tower . After awhile the strawberry wine isn 't that bad . All of a sudden I decided I want to climb the steps of the fire tower up to the top . My friend always being the level headed person tried to talk me out of it . He also knew of my fear of heights . I wouldn 't hear of it . My bravery was pumped up by cheap wine at the time . So I go bounding up the step to the top under the fire tower room which was locked . My friend is with me and we sit up there and marvel at how far we can see . While up there I 'm thinking this is great , why was I ever afraid of heights ? We decided to leave and I have the bright idea of scaling down the side of the fire tower to get to the bottom . Now my friend is really getting worried and tries to put his foot down on doing this . To late , I 'm already on the side . I 'm telling him it 's no problem , but he decides to take the steps . I get down to the second level of parallel bars and I 'm straddling the bar with a hand in front of me and a hand in back of me . In less than a nanosecond I become completely sober , and I 'm having one of those moments of seeing everything more clearly than ever before . If you 've ever seen the movie Vertigo you know the guy kept seeing the distance to the ground telescoped out . It truly happens . I couldn 't move anposted by Family Man | 8 : 15 AM I was watching a cooking show yesterday and the chef was outside in a barbecue mode , but was cooking muscles . He ended by saying that muscles are great , especially if you have a lot of people over and the main course isn 't done yet . Just throw on some muscles and you 've got instant appetizers . Now let me get this straight . Just throw on some muscles ? Like I have a fresh supply sitting around the house all the time . That 's one thing I hate about cooking shows sometimes . You 'll have these people who will cook up a really nice meal , but it always has some ingredients that a regular small grocery store just doesn 't carry . Fresh Parmigiano Reggiano from the area of Parma in Italy is the cheese to use . There are so many of these cooks that give you recipes that use one certain thing that I just don 't find on my grocery isles . The program I was watching shows the chef outside in beautiful surroundings , using the best ingredients with an $ 8 , 000 grill . There are a lot of people that can do that , but for a majority it 's not possible . I have to admit I 've seen this chef do shows on regular food preparation , and I know that different areas have different food . However , a lot of cooking shows don 't take into consideration what people can afford . I have a budget for food and most of the time I plan ahead on what I 'm going to purchase and cook . We have a small grocery store in town , but honestly the prices are so high I try not to shop there . So my only alternative is a trip into the city for a day of grocery shopping and picking up other needed things . I just can 't run out and find feta cheese from an area in Southern Greece . As far as organically grown produce or meat , I know of no place around here that has it . Plus if there was a place like that , I hear organically grown food is a lot more expensive which puts it out of reach for a lot of people . What I 'm trying to say , is it 's good to be able to cook like that and use the ingredients . However , most people on budgets or subsistence that only have a lposted by Family Man | 3 : 31 AM Not much going on today . I 'm waiting for relatives to show up . They were supposed to show up yesterday , then last night and now I don 't know when . This is sort of SOP for them . They 'll give you a date and time , but over the years I 've learned to know they 're finally here , when they 're here . What 's going on here ? My grass is turning a nice shade of brown . I went into the backyard yesterday and just had to laugh . My neighbor has one of those automatic sprinkler systems . His lawn gets watered every night . Once I get some more batteries I 'll take a picture , but it looks like a straight line drawn between our lawns . My beautiful brown lawn and his ugly green lawn . I 've just never seen the sense in wasting water to have a green lawn . Whenever I hear of drought conditions around the country and world , it just doesn 't seem right to me to waste water to keep the lawn green . But I should say that since I hate to mow the lawn so much , this plays a big part in my decision not to water . So today is one of anticipation . I 'm waiting for the relatives to show up and George to start a bark fest . I 'm sure after a couple of days I 'm going to be pretty frazzled . I guess I look at this as a good thing . It will get things moving around here and shake things up a bit . Plus I worry about George . If he doesn 't use those little vocal cords of his , he might forget how to bark . Yeah , I wish . Is there a road that you drive every day ? I 've got one that I go over just about ever day . The reason I asked is because the other day when I was driving down that road , I almost unconsciously veered to the left where a man hole cover is , and then slowed down where a bump is . I already knew a sharp curve was up ahead and I 'd have to slow down for it . It got me to thinking about how routines effect your everyday life . I feel comfortable driving down that road . I know ever twist and turn and bump on the road and I like that . Sometimes I take an adventure and drive another way into town . I know those roads too , but just a change of scenery is always nice . Those other ways into town are nice , but they aren 't my road . I don 't know why I think of it as my road , but I do . I used to want new adventures all the time . Seeing new things and doing new things , but I missed something I think people who never left here already knew . There 's a certain comfort in being at home . In knowing what around the curve and being prepared for the bumps you know are there . I look at my family that way . We aren 't the Waltons or the perfect family , but I do feel comfortable around them . They make demands on me and I make demands on them , but as we 've gotten older there are no surprise bumps or curves . We 've come to understand each other and just basically accept each other . I can 't say that was the way it was when we were younger . We were all trying to change each other or just rebelling against anything or everything . I guess age has taken a lot of the rebellion out of us and we know we 're all so set in our ways that no change is forthcoming . I feel comfortable driving into my town on my road and comfortable being around the ones I love . I have routines I do everyday ( naps ) , and I don 't feel the need to venture off and find something new . Yes I feel the people who never left here know something I didn 't , and I wonder sometimes why I ever left . Added : I thought I would show you what really comfortable looks like . Added again : posted by Family Man | 5 : 54 AM I have some relatives who just went on a cruise to Alaska . As with my relatives they always bring back something for everybody . They bought a nice necklace for Family Mom and when I got my gift I saw I got a can of Smoked King Salmon . Needless to say I was overjoyed . The can has on the label it 's all natural and ready to eat . Although I don 't think I would open it . I figure I 'm going to get a lot of miles out of this can . I figure this can is going to show up at every family gathering and holiday get together for the next year . I 'm looking forward to Christmas when we all take down our stocking and I pull out a can of Salmon . While everyone else is opening their new presents I 'll be waving my can of Salmon aloft saying look at what I have , just look . Tiny Tim won 't have a thing on me , and if I weren 't so big I 'd have a relative carry me on their shoulder . I 'll be scrooge bringing the Xmas goose and Tim marveling at it all rolled up into one . Now you may think this is being mean , but it 's not really . Every family has its eccentric and in my family I guess I 'm the one . I can say something and my family will laugh . I didn 't mean it to be funny , but they laugh just the same . Even though I 'm near my mid fifties they still treat me as a kid sometimes . Do I mind ? Nope . Plus I figure that can of Salmon will let my relatives know they had better have a little more imagination the next time they go on a trip . I mean they went to Alaska . A little gold nugget or a baby seal would have done , but a can of fish . I 'm thinking of going to the grocery store and buying another can of smoked salmon and tell em it 's multiplying . Don 't get me wrong . I appreciate them thinking of me , but I 've never been a big canned fish fan . I decided it 's one of those after thought presents . They were probably thinking , " Oh FM , we 've got to get him something too . " " Why look here , we 're right in front of cans of salmon . " " A can of salmon , that 's the ticket . " Thank goodness they weren 't in front of theposted by Family Man | 1 : 07 PM This morning I heard a loud pop and then the lights went out . I decided it must be another transformer that had blown . Either that or the revenuers have come to close to the still again . Just kidding . I 'm wondering how long this time it will take the power company to replace the transformer and how long it will be before I reset all the clocks and timers in the house . The last time I finally got around to the last timer it was a week later . I wasn 't using it for anything and it was on the list , but not a big hurry . I find the older that I get , the stuff that just had to be done at that moment can wait for awhile . When I was younger I would rush around when the power would come back on and reset everything . As usually happened , the power would go out again in five minutes . The whole cycle would continue two or three more times . Everything had to be in its place and everything had to be running right . I 've said before I always looked forward to being my age now . There 's not the constant urge to get up and be doing something . What I used to think of as boredom , which would drive me out of the house looking for anything to do , is now content . I 'm content to sit here looking out my window at the yard , the birds and cars passing by . Everyone pretty much knows how I feel about the yard and I could sit and watch it grow , with the weeds sprouting higher than the grass . I don 't feel any urge to go and level everything out . To see the birds flying after each other in an aerial ballet while the squirrels chase each other over branches and the ground is a joy to watch . What 's funny to me is it hasn 't even been thirty minutes and I 've seen a mass exodus of my neighbors leaving their darken - quiet houses . A couple have started working on their lawns ( I know , don 't say it ) , but most have gotten in their cars and driven off . Whether it 's to do something they were going to do , or just to get away from their non - functioning home , I don 't know . But I haven 't seen a one go to their porches and just sit and enjoyposted by Family Man | 5 : 51 AM I told a friend when you have writer 's block to write something nonsensical . I decided what better advice could I give myself . So begins the Tale of Sliding Tree . It was a tree just like any other , but it was the boy 's tree . It was outside his mother 's kitchen window and she would watch him for hours climbing up and down the tree , hanging upside down with his bent knees keeping him in place . When his mother wasn 't looking he would start to swing back and forth trying to pick up speed so he could do that one flip to the ground that always he seemed to miss . This was his place and he knew every branch and every leaf . During days when he was at school he would dream of being up in his tree . Towering over the roofs and seeing people walking under him , not knowing he was there . He was up in the tree as he was every morning and said hello to Mr . Smith as he was walking by . Mr . Smith stopped and looked around . Seeing no one he begins to walk away . Now the boy says in a louder voice , hello . Mr . Smith stops again and looks from side to side , and just once he looks straight up also . Not seeing anything again Mr . Smith sets off , but this time the boy doesn 't yell , he says softly , but loud enough for Mr . Smith to hear the whisper , be good , be good . Mr . Smith leaves with a smile on his face and says to himself " little monkey . " The boy doesn 't have to see the smile because he knows it 's there . The boy finally scrambles down and goes into his house for breakfast . His mother is running around the kitchen cleaning the table from people who have already eaten and putting fresh plates on the table . His brothers and sisters are grabbing things from the table as they are getting ready for school . The boy eats slowly while looking out the window at his tree . His mother comes up behind him and places her hands on his shoulders and ask , " Did you say good by to your father this morning . " The boy says , " Yes Mam , and he was smiling . " The boy has grown up and the tree and house are gone , but his memory of a daily good by betposted by Family Man | 5 : 46 AM Holland , oh beautiful Holland with your windmills and canals . Well this ain 't about that . Long ago on a continent far away , in the country of Holland , and the city of Amsterdam an innocent young man was shown the wonders of the world in all of its unbridled glory . The place , the time and the setting . August 1988 some friends and I went for a trip to Amsterdam . We all were living in Europe and one of my friends had just purchased a brand spanking new Saab turbo . We decided to drive up to Amsterdam and camp at one of the numerous parks around the city . Being the naïve sheltered person I am , I thought we were going to look at the museums and art . Little did I know that my friends had complete different plans , which would forever sweep away my innocence and lay bare the wild - eyed excitement only the pure of heart can have . Are you buying any of this so far ? Ok , ok , ok ( Joe Pesci ) so I didn 't go into Amsterdam the complete bumpkin . I knew they had a red light district and most soft drugs could be purchased at a bar . But I didn 't expect to see 90 % of what I did see . So from where I lived it was about an eight - hour drive to Amsterdam . We drive all day and finally get there in the late evening . By the time we found a place to camp , it was already dark . We ended up putting up our tent with only car lights to aid in the assembling of the tent . Once all that was set we caught a bus and headed straight to the red light district . Now for some Americans it hard to understand that in a lot of European nations prostitution is legal , no more so than in the city of Amsterdam . I had heard the term window shopping before , but not as it was used there . There are large plate glass windows through out the district and as you walked by , there would be women sitting in a room behind the plate glass window . Some would be doing their nail , others reading or watching TV , and still others actively trying to bring in the customers . Trust me window shopping were all my buddies and I did . This was during the full - blown AIDS epidemic nightmareposted by Family Man | 7 : 35 AM Today I got sick of hair floating by so George got a haircut and a bath . This is George before his haircut and bath . This is George after his haircut and bath . Finally George after he 's dry . He 's a little bit ANGRY But he forgives me as usual Yesterday morning when I got up and went into the kitchen I beheld a sight I haven 't seen in a long time . Ants and I mean ants everywhere . They were the little tiny one that don 't bite , but make long lines to any source of food they find . Now we have the pest controllers come around and spray and plant stuff outside , but I refuse to spray insecticide in the kitchen . I usually use the Clorox Clean Up spray and that get rid of them , for a while . This is the first time this year that I 've seen them and I 'll be making a call to the pest controllers . The thing about this time is , it looked like they were more organized . I don 't mean just one line of ants going back and forth from one place . There was a big group of ants in a circle and from there emanated three different lines going out to opposite ends of the counter . It reminded me of a well thought out attack plant with ant generals in the circle sending out the troops . As I was watching them I could picture a couple of ants carrying banners and others signaling by tooting little horns . I know cartoon movies have already been made about ants , but this just brought it to me with more realism . If I could have picked them up and put them outside , I would have , but I had to break out the Clorox Cleaner . I 'll call the pest man today , but I know I 'll have them for awhile . This is a yearly occurrence , and this is the first time I 've seen them this year . But as I said , they appear more organized this time . Am I putting too much into this ? Will I wake up like Gulliver tomorrow and find that the lilliputians have taken me captive . All I know is if I see George asleep and he starts to mysteriously move across the floor , I 'm leaving the house . I lived in Germany for a good while . I can 't really remember any bad times there . There were some people I worked with that I could have done without , but on the whole it was , I feel , one of the high points of my life . I was there in the 80 's and worked in a huge medical center in the middle of a city the first time . That was a great time of what I can remember . It seemed to me in Germany there was always something to do . Whether it was beer or wine festival , volksmarches , sightseeing or just going out to restaurants there was activity everywhere . I learned to ski my first time in Germany . This will be unbelievable but for a week of ski instruction , ski passes , hotel , one meal a day , and ski suit and accessories it cost me $ 120 . 00 . I had to pay for transportation , but it wasn 't expensive and I liked riding on German trains . As with anything that includes standing and not tripping I was a complete bust my first two days of skiing . I was ready to give it up , but friends with me talked me into staying with it . Finally the instructor told me to go off by myself and learn to stand on the skies . The best thing he could have done . By mid morning the third day , I was standing , turning and coming to a parallel stop . I still didn 't have control , and grace on the skies was not one of my strong point . It became obvious when our instructor took us down a path , which to me was pretty narrow . I got out of control and couldn 't stop . While I 'm barreling down the path I see a big opening and I 'm thinking great . Once I hit the opening I see I 'm going to run into a line of people on a T - bar . I started screaming for them to watch out . I didn 't notice the T - bar path was about two feet deep into the snow . Luckily I didn 't hit anyone , but my skies dropped into the T - bar path which sent me about ten feet into the air and ended up sliding me a couple of feet into the snow . My skies were behind me , I was under the snow and I can remember people in my class digging me out . It took me about fifteen minutes after that just posted by Family Man | 10 : 05 AM I had such great plans . I was going to move the world . Actually I was going to mow the lawn , clean the house and give George a haircut . Now none of this is really hard to do , but I didn 't do it . I mean with mowing the lawn . I find that turning the key on the riding lawn mower is pretty strenuous . Plus you 've got to hook up the lawn sweeper . After all this I have to put my attention to making straight lines and not running into the house . This is exhausting . I won 't even go into weed eating which can go from very strenuous to a nightmare . Cleaning the house , I do that throughout the day , so that 's never a big one . Now giving George a haircut . That can be a big one , but not as bad as a bath . George usually will stand there until I start to clip his right side . When I start on the right side he 'll always start moving around or just sit . I 'm constantly moving him around and he 's constantly moving . So needless to say , the haircut I give him is never a good one . He 's always looks very scraggly . To say George is not a handsome dog would be an understatement , but once I get through with him , he 's down right ugly . I just console myself with the fact that it 's no more dog hair floating around and it will grow back . So today , I 'm going to do the lawn . Yep , I 'm going to get up in a minute and start on it . I 've already gotten my shower and I 'm dress and if I can just make past the couch , I 'll be rounding third , heading for home plate . It 's not that hard to walk past the couch and I 'll just divert my eyes from it . Oh heck , I feel a nap calling . Update : I did it , I did it , I did it , I did it ! I got the lawn mowed . You know that thing about it that gets me , is the grass wasn 't that tall . A couple of times I had to stop to make sure I wasn 't mowing where I already had . Other than limbs , pine cones and a tree that shedding , it was OK . But there were a few weeds growing , so it was mower time . It 's gotten to hot to weed eat , so I 'm hoping tomorrow I 'll have the drive to do that in the morning . George , I migposted by Family Man | 8 : 05 AM Yesterday I went to the dentist and I dropped of my Mom to see my 99 year old Great Aunt . My Great Aunt still gets around with a walker now , but her mind is still as sharp as it ever was . I dropped my Mom off and they talk for about two hours while I 'm at the dentist . I 've been through their talkfest before and it 's always about old times and family . Usually it 's about people who have passed and the town , which is now a sign on the highway , where all the past was lived . I go back to pick up my Mom and talk to my Aunt for a minute , but the past and history lesson is just beginning when we leave . My Mom fills me in on everything , but she wants to go by the town that she grew up in . On the way there we go by the city she was born in . It 's nothing more than signs now too . She told me it had houses and avenues , a hospital , movie theatre , grocery stores , schools and everything that makes up a small city . Today it 's nothing but a sign on the highway . We kept going on to the place where my Great Uncle has a gas station and another Uncle had a cafe . I remember when I was a child my Aunt at the gas station would let us kids go through the candy displays and pick what we wanted , and my aunt at the café would make us anything we wanted . That little oasis on the highway was always so full of life . We went past there and the Aunts and Uncles have been gone for a long time . The people who have it now have let all the building go down and it 's nothing more than memories for us . We drive on to my Mom 's little town and it still has a few houses , but pretty much everything else is gone . The old school has been torn down , the old store is closed , but at least it still has a small post office . My Mom told me stories about when she was a child and how the town had so much life in it . How she and friends would go to the store and split a soft drink and play cards on that porch right there . The exact porch . She told me of all the people that had lived there and who they were and if so , how they were related to me . She shoposted by Family Man | 7 : 45 AM Thanks everybody for the well wishes and advice yesterday . I 'm feeling better today , but just a little . I 'll be hosting the café today . So I 'll see ya 'll later . Why do people get grumpy when they feel bad ? I 've got a cold and I 'm feeling grumpy and blah at the same time . I 've been taking all the medicines and nostrums . None of them do what they promise , none make you feel better . I 'm beginning to believe just taking nothing would work just as well . I usually get two bad colds a year . At the beginning of summer and the beginning of winter , I know I 'll have one . Used to be , I would have to go into work with colds . I 've never understood that . Why make someone go into work , when they feel really bad and also when they 'll spread the cold around . Why not just say ; take a couple of days off . I know some people would abuse this , but I think the majority would be grateful . But things have changed and I can stay at home , take my medicines and stay in bed . The only thing about that is there are still things that have to be done around the house . So if you 're sick at home or sick at work you still have things to do . The only thing you can do is trudge ahead . I guess I 'm grumpy because I have to trudge ahead , whether at work or at home , you still have things to do . Whenever some one else gets a cold I 'll try to be understanding , but today , I 'm grumpy and don 't care . My Mom told me a story the other day . She didn 't mean it to be , but it was one of a lesson . It begins with my Nephew who just got married , they had the farmhouse all repainted and a big tent in a field besides the house for the reception . My Mom told me while in the tent , she thought to herself , God did I ever think I would be here ? She went on to tell me of the day my father left for WWII . My grandparents , aunts and her had taken him to the train station . They had all come home and my Mom was on the way upstairs . My grandmother , ever the wise one , had called to her and said we 've got to keep busy . So my Mom goes with her out to the garden to work beside my Grandmother digging up potatoes . The tent was on the exact same spot where my grandmother 's garden used to be . My Mom said while at the reception they were playing some old music , music from when she was young , and she said she thought to herself , God did I ever think I would be here ? My Mom lived with my grandparents and aunts during the time my father was gone . They worried about my father and never stopped . She went on to tell me that on the day they got the telegram he was coming home , she ran out onto the field where my grandparents were picking up pecans . She showed them the telegram and all were very emotional . She said my grandfather said he had thought he would never see his only son again . The old house is still there and the field with my grandmother 's garden and pecan trees is still there . One generation has gone , still another has come through and are leaving , and yet there are still others of this generation that will see that field and not know what that field has meant in the life of a few people and the memories of an old woman . To me it has bought me closer to my Mother , my Father and my Grandparents . My Mom now has me drive her out from time to time to look at the old farmhouse and to the family cemetery . She gets out of the car occasionally , but mostly it 's sitting outside the gate and remembering . I know she thinks one day she 'll posted by Family Man | 9 : 59 AM |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Should have never gone to sleep . It seems I have awoken in a different place than where I went to sleep once again . What misery has the child brought to me this time . I stand and look around . I am still in a forrest , but not the same one we had camped in . Yet this seems familiar to me . I look and see lights in the distance . I make my way towards the lights and as I get closer I see it . Singing Chasm . My heart stops for a brief moment as that feeling springs up again . Hope . I begin to run . Can she possibly have brought me back to the same time ? Is Vallen there waiting for me ? Does she even exist in this future ? I make it to the front gates . The guards there step out to stop me , but than step back and nod at me . I keep running through the fate and up the street towards my home . It is there , a house larger than the others to accommodate a Goliath and his family . A light is on in the window . I reach the door and am about to knock when a paralyzing fear overtakes me . What if something is different ? What if in this future I never married Vallen ? What about our children ? Before I am able to dwell on this the door opens and there stands Vallen . She is in the same dress she was wearing when I disappeared . " Moog what happened to you ? You just … You just disappeared ! " I followed her in and sat with her . For a moment I debated creating some elaborate story involving a wizard , but I had never only lied to her once before in regards to this and I didn 't want to continue . I took her hand and walked her over to the bench in front of the house . And so I told her everything . I told her about where and when I came from , my adventures with Baffin , Snow Nameless and Vennman and our mission to stop Leska . I than told her about Kristen and her powers and how I came to be here with the dwarves . I must have been talking for over an hour and the whole time she just listened never saying a word . When I was done I waited for her response . There was a long silence that made me very uncomfortable . " Do you believe me ? " I needed her to believe me . She quietly stood and walked into the house . What was she doing ? She must think I 've gone mental and was gathering the children to leave . I thought about stopping her but what was I going to say ? Maybe I had gone mental and my adventures in Ptolus was all a dream . " When you first came here and I was taking care of you , you had asked about Leska and what had happened . After that conversation I went and found this book so that I could give you more information as to the events . That was when I found this . " She opened the book and turned it around so that I could look at it . On the page was an illustration … of me and Baffin , Vennman , Snow , Nameless and Torrin . I took the book and looked read the caption . " I thought at first you were a nutter , or perhaps were playing a joke on me . You never mentioned it again so as I got to know you I forgot about it . Than this morning when you just disappeared … " And we did . For the next few days I felt anxious , waiting to be torn away from Vallen , Arya and Kin ' an . A few weeks went by and my anxiety started to fade . After a month I thought less and less about it and by the third month all thoughts of Kristen were gone . Before I knew it a year had passed . Vallen and I decided to take a trip to Ptolus to find out more about what had happened sixty years ago . We left the children with friends and made our way to the great city . The journey took the better part of a week , but soon enough we arrived . Ptolus had not changed much in the sixty years since I was last here . We made our way through the streets passing familiar shops . And than we reached the center of the city and there standing larger than life was a statue of The Heroes of Ptolus It felt surreal staring at a twelve foot statue of myself . At the base of the statue was the story of how the " Ghost of Ptolus " ( me ) and his fellow heroes , hunted and killed Leska 's Ragesians . How we faced her and defeated her in battle . But her defeat came at a price as all the heroes save Moog died . After Leska had been defeated , The Ghost of Ptolus returned to the mountains never to be heard from again . As we read this people began to stop and look at us . Vallen than realized they were staring at me . I had forgotten about my tattoos . I quickly pulled a cloak out and covered myself with it . I gestured To Vallen that we should move along . I could hear people whispering about me . We quickly left area as people watched us go . luckily no one followed . We soon found ourselves in front of the Ghostly Minstral . We decided to stay the night and start back home the next morning . We awoke early and began our journey back . We decided to go around the center of town as to avoid the statue . This brought us past the Necropolis . It may have been my imagination , but I could swear my hand started to itch . We continued out if town and made our way back home . The whole time all I kept thinking about was what had happened to me . What did I do once I returned to the mountains . Once home there were a few times I was tempted to seek myself out , but I decided against it . Years began to fall away . Vallen and I watched as our children grew . Shortly after Arya 's tenth birthday Arten passed away . He had been a good friend and i missed him . Soon our children had grow into adults and began to have children of their own . Vallen and I remained together and soon we realized that even though she was growing old , I remained the same age . We didn 't understand it . Was this a side effect of time traveling ? Than the day came where I had to begin taking care of Vallen . She was growing weak with age . I took care of her as she had taken care of me . I also read to her from her favorite books . Than one night she called me to her side . " Moog , however you came to be here , understand that was the greatest thing to ever happen . My life would have been empty without you . If you should ever return to that other life , you must thank this Kristin . And should you return , I want you to promise me something . " " I know when you came here you were haunted by your past and embittered by what had happened to you . It took a long time for that pain and darkness to leave your heart . Should you return to that other time , remember your life here and that this is what you fight for . " She looked out the window . It had begun to rain . She than looked back at me . Her hand reached up and caressed my face . I held it there . She than closed her eyes . They never opened again . A year after her funeral I awoke with a strange feeling . I got up and went about getting ready for the day , but for some reason decided I needed all my gear . I opened the trunk I had placed them in . It had been years since I had worn my adventuring gear . I oiled and sharpened my weapons and cleaned off the rest of my gear . Once dressed I looked around the house one last time and walked outside . For some reason I decided to leave the front door open . I walked over to see Arya . She was puzzled as to why I had my gear . I told her I just felt like putting it on again . I sent an hour with her and my grandchildren and than said goodbye . Unfortunately Kin ' an was away escorting the king to Gate Pass so I was unable to see him one last time . I left the city and returned to where I had fought the dire bear so many years ago . I sat in the field and enjoyed the summer wind blowing in my face . And than the wind stopped . I opened my eyes and I was sleeping in a field . Kristin was next to me awake . She smiled and I smiled back . Not long after we were confronted by Ragesians soldiers . During the battle that old anger and darkness overcame me . I found myself attacking the prisoners and falling back into my old ways . I even almost killed Baffin for trying to stop me . But when it was over I didn 't feel the satisfaction I once had in doing those vile things to the Ragesians . This was no longer who I was . The Ragesians still needed to be defeated , but not to satisfy my bloodlust . They needed to be stopped along with Leska so that there could be a world where Vallen , Arya and Kin ' an could live happily . I would fight not for vengeance , but for a better FUTURE . Fourth Entry Part II Next next day was spent in silence as Vallen was still upset by my comments from the previous evening . . She would bring me my meals and feed me , never uttering a word . After taking away the plates she would sit in the other room and read . I was afraid this would continuee the next day as the morning started the same . She quietly brought out my breakfast and fed me an when I was done she would take away the dishes and sit in the other room reading . At about mid - day the routine was broken by a knock at the door . I watched Vallen get up and walk out of my line of sight as the front door was behind the wall . I heard her great someone in what I now realize was dwarven . A male voice responded and than I heard the door close . A few moments later a male dwarf was standing in the entrance to the room . He stepped forward and I could now see he was an older dwarf , with a scar over his left eye . His brown hair was slowly being overtaken by the greys as was his beard . He stepped up next to me and introduced himself . " I am Arten , captain of the guard . First I would like to thank you for helping defeat that dire bear . If you hadn 't stepped in those workers would surely have been killed by the time my men arrived . " " It was nothing . To be honest I thought they were … " I was about to say children , but than I saw Vallen standing in the doorway . " … in trouble . The rock they hid behind would keep the bear for so long . " " Well you risked a lot to help them . Luckily you goliaths are a sturdy bunch . Vallen says you should be on your feet in a few months , but in the meantime we can try to contact your friends and let them know where you are . " " I would appreciate that . We were on an important mission and somehow got seperated . I don 't know where there are now , but I know they were heading to Lyceum . " " That is a weeks ride over the moutains . Hopefully your friends are still there . I will send someone to find them and let them know you are here . " I was at a loss for words . She turned to go back to her chair in the other room . I didn 't want her to go . The words just came out of me . The next few weeks when on about the same . Vallen fed me and took care of me . we would talk and now instead of reading quietly in the corner , she would read aloud to me . I came to find out reading was her passion . When she was stricken as a child , she spent her hours in bed reading and escaping into the worlds the books provided . As she grew her love of books did not diminish and she had read everybook in the city . She would take monthly trips to Gate Pass and get more books to read . I enjoyed those hours watching her as she read to me . Nine weeks went by with no news from Lyceum . Arten 's messenger had arrived and not found Baffin , Nameless , Snow , Vehnmann or Torrent . Had they not reached the city ? Had the Ragesians captured them ? My heart sank with the thought of my friends being tortured or worse . Vallen could sense I was becoming depressed with these thoughts and tried to cheer me up . " I already thought of that . You forget we are dwarves . If there is something we can 't do , we build something that can do it for us . " Once in the chair she strained a little at first , but than got the chair rolling out towards the door . Once outside I had to cover my eyes a little because the sun was so bright . There is something to be said for being directly in the sun as opposed to having it come in to a room through a window . It was as if the rays were giving me new found energy . The dark thought of my friends began to fade away . She pushed me through the streets and I was overwhelmed by how friendly everyone was . Spending time with Vallen had diminished my distaste for dwarves and I found them to be rather pleasent folk . The two workers I had rescued from the dire bear made it a point to introduce themselves and than invited me to join them for lunch . Vallen and I sat and ate with thier families as they told thier children how I had saved them . We laughed and drank , and it may have been the ale , but I found myself watching Vallen and having feelings for her I hadn 't felt in a long time . Once lunch was done , we continued through the city towards the main gate . It was than that I saw it . I had had a feelings of deja vu as we walked through the city . Something familiar here , something recognizable there , but I dismissed them until I saw the lift . It looked as if it had been upgraded , but I know it was the same lift Vehmann and I had helped the dwarves with a few months ago . That would mean I was in Singing Chasm . My heart sank as the thought of Ragesians from Gate Pass could be here any minute now and destroy the city . Forty years ! How could it have been forty years ? We were just here . We were … Krystin ! She had transported me to the future again . That must be it . But how could Singing Chasm still be here ? That naked dwarf had told us all the dwarves were taken as slaves by the Ragesians . " That was over sixty years ago . Everyone knows the story . She was the defeated by the Champions of Ptolus . Where have you been that you don 't know that story . " " Perhaps my head is foggy from when the bear smashed against the tree . It seems I have forgotten certain things . Please tell me what happened to the Champions ? " " They were killed during the battle . They sacrificed themselves in order to defeat her . In the end only one survived … " She paused and looked me over . " I believe it was the goliath . " " Yes , the goliath . I don 't know the details , but I do know that the half - elf , gnoll , shifter and human were killed in the battle . I could find out for you if you 'd like . " " No , that is fine . Just … " I was afraid to find out the answer to my next question but I had to know . " What happened to the goliath ? " Vallen nodded quietly and pushed me back to her house where I got back into bed . There I sat for the rest of the day thinking about what I had just learned . Vallen tried bringing me food , but I had lost my appetite . All I could do was try to make sense of what happened . It was clear that Krystin had once again sent me into the future as I slept , but where the last time we had been able to get back , it seems that this time I am stuck here . I had become one of the lost ones she had mentioned . Also this future , although farther in time than the one we had gone to before , was different . Leska had been defeated and my friends had been killed during the battle . And what of the other Moog ? Was I , I mean he , still alive ? These thoughts crept into my dreams as I slept . The next day I asked Vallen to let Arten know he didn 't need to worry about reaching my friends . When she asked why , I told her that perhaps we had missed them . I could tell she didn 't beleive me , but she didn 't question it . The next few days I spent in bed , not wanting to go out even though Vallen tried deperately to get me moving . Finally she had had enough . " That 's it ! I don 't know what has been weighting on your mind , but whatever it is , isn 't helping in your recovery . You need to get outside and start working to get on your feet . I 'm not going to take care of you forever ! " She walked over with the chair and began to try and move me onto it . I was surprised by her strength as she was able to slide me off the bed and onto the chair without my help . She than rolled me outside into he sun . And with that she left me out there and went about her gardening . As I sat and watched her I thought about my friends and our adventures . About the Ragesians and the evils they had inflicted on me . I than thought about Sela and what she had said . That I would have to change if I wanted to be with her . How there was a darkness in my heart and that I would have be rid of it before I could join her . She said that I would find happiness again and in the most unlikely place . Perhaps it is here , with these dwarves . I turned to look at Vallen as she kneeled down and plucked at the weeds . She was now covered in dirt and sweat and her skin glistened in the sun . Again those feelings crept up on me and a warmth filled me inside . This was my new life , for better or for worse , but perhaps for the better . From that day on I tried to forget the way I was and tried to be a better man . As the weeks went on we would venture outside more and more . I would try to walk and as the strength grew in my legs , so did my feelings for Vallen . After eleven months I was finally able to stand on my feet and take a few steps . Vallen felt the need to throw a party to celebrate . After another month I was out of the chair and using crutches for support , shortly there after a staff until eventually I was walking on my own . And the whole time Vallen was there for support . Once I was on my feet , realizing I had no where to go I asked King Mavil if I could remain in Spring Pass . At first he was a little warry , but Arten convinced him it would be an asset to have me stay . He had me join the city guard at Arten 's request and I became the first goliath ever to join a dwarven army . I also decided I had intruded in Vallens life long enough and decided to get my own place . The city had already prepared for this and built me a home with ceilings high enough to accomidate me . It was a sad day when I left . Vallen was happy to see me be able to do things on my own , but when she cried I knew that there were tears of sadness mixed in with the joyful ones . I lived among the dwarves for two years . On the kings thirtieth birthday , the city had a large celebration . There was a grand feast with ale and wine . There was also music and dancing . It was at the dance that I finally expressed to Vallen my feelings for her . She looked beautiful that night and I couldn 't help but tell her how I felt . I was relieved when she told me she felt the same and we were married the next month . She moved in with me and we were an odd match , the goliath and the dwarf . We didn 't care . We were happy . Soon we had a child , a girl . We named her Arya . A year later we had another child , a bot . We named him Kin ' an . I had made a life for myself and ther I remained , watching my children grow for the next eight years . " I don 't … " But before I could finish my thought Vallen was gone . My children were gone . My home , Singing Chasm everything was gone . And in it 's place was a burning forest . I awake at the bar with the bard trying to steal some of my coins . The female … Snow , prevents him . I look around at my surroundings and realize my life is gone . This is a nightmare I have to deal with for now . And so I will deal with it in a half dream . The ale will provide that . I think maybe I should just stay here and drink myself into oblivion , but something makes me want to follow my old party . Perhaps the bard is right and they can find a way to send me back . In the time I was with Vallen I had rediscovered happiness , a feeling lost to me for many years . And now another feeling that was lost to me for a long time . Hope . The ale pours into me like a waterfall over a river . My pile of gold diminishes with every pint . The world around me blurs and my friends get lost with the other faceless figures in the crowd . But are they my friends ? Is this the dream and the faint memories of my other life the reality ? I can no longer tell , as both are unclear to me now . Flashes of memory fade in and out of both realities . Either one could be real , but before I can settle on which is the true one the ale works it 's magic and I fall into it 's comforting blackness . My dreams are dizzying , senseless . I am walking through a forest of endless fire with the ones who call me friend . We are trying to stay ahead of an army . The Ragisians ? Soon we set up camp . For some reason we try to distance ourselves from someone . The Girl ! During my watch I stand over her as she sleeps . Than it is my turn to sleep and it takes me almost immediately . I awaken to a scream . Sitting up I quickly realize I am no longer in a flaming forest , but instead an open field at the base of a mountain . The scream comes again and I turn to see a child being attacked by what appears to be a giant bear . The child manages to crawl in between two boulders just out of the bears reach . I get up and run towards the creature axe in hand at the ready . As I near the creature I realize this is no ordinary bear . It stands a good 12 heads tall and bones protrude from its back and face . With its attention fully on the child in between the rocks I leap onto it 's back , burying my axe into its shoulder . The bear screamed and stood up right . I rolled off its back and prepared for its attack . It turned ; it 's eyes burning with rage , focused on me . It dropped down on all fours and charged . I rolled out of the way just as its jaws snapped at me . It came to a stop and quickly turned and reached out for me . It 's claws tore into my right leg . I gritted my teeth as I felt its claws scrape bone . I rolled onto my knees and held my axe out waiting for another charge . The monster came at me again . This time I swung the axe striking it in it 's neck . It roared again as blood filled the air . It stood taking my axe with it . I quickly pulled out my sword and thrust it into its chest . The beast screamed again as blood poured over me . It clawed at me again and I had to jump back , but the pain from where my leg had been torn open caused me to fall to one knee . It was than upon me it bit down at my head , but I managed to put up my left arm as a substitution . It bit into my forearm and I could feel my bones shatter . It stood again as I reached for my axe handle and just managed to grab it before it began to swing me around like a rag doll . I 'm sure if I hadn 't braced myself it would have surely torn my arm off . It stumbled towards the tress and swung me at one of them . Pain exploded behind my eyes as my body hit the trunk . I swear I heard something snap in my back . I could no longer feel my body and it just went limp . I fought to stay conscious but the world was slowly fading . The beast must have sensed that I was done because it dropped me . It stood over me and roared . Blood and spittle fell on me . It was about deliver the killing blow when a crossbow arrow appeared in its left eye . Than another hit it 's leg . I must have been delirious because a dozen children suddenly surrounded the beast and they were attacking it with hammers and axes . I must have done more damage to the beast than I thought because these children were able to bring it down . Once they were secure in the fact that the beast was dead the children circled me . I could hear them talking although I couldn 't understand what they were saying . The world was growing dark . The last thought I had before blackness was how hairy these children were . " No , I have nothing left on earth . I wish to join you and Khan in the Shadowfell . Tell the Raven Queen I am ready to join you . Tell here to take me to the Shadowfell where I can be happy once again . " " In the Shadowfell you take whatever is in you . Right now your heart is filled with pain and anger . If you were to join us now , that is all you would have . " " But how ? I have nothing left . Those who seek to destroy our world beat whatever little joy I had out of me . I have nothing left but my hatred and the satisfaction of killing those that took that joy from me . " " But it shouldn 't be your purpose . When I was with you , you fought for honor , you fought for what was right and you fought for love . That is the one I wish to spend eternity with . And that is why you must follow that path . " It was dark , but I could hear rain bouncing off the ceiling . My eyes were slowly adjusting when lightning crackled outside the window . I briefly saw a small room and figure in the corner sitting in a chair . I tried to sit up , but I felt weighted down . I tried again with a little more force but suddenly felt a pain in my back as if it was struck with a hammer . I let out a mall grunt and the figure quickly stood and lit a candle . The world was becoming blurred as the pain continued . The figure walked over with the candle and I could barely make out a small girl . She was saying something to me but all I could make out was " shouldn 't … try … broken … rest " and than the world went dark again . For the next few days that is what my world was , bits of images and unfinished sentences from a female child . I would wake to find her sitting in the corner or standing over me and when I tried to move , unbearable pain would send me back to unconsciousness . Eventually I figured out what she was trying to tell me . I shouldn 't move . My back was broken and I should rest . Once in a while I would wake up to find her feeding me . Other times she would be tending to my broken arm or cleaning the wound on my leg . Once I woke to find her bathing me and when I tried to stop her the pain sent me right back to the darkness . Whatever the case I never stayed conscious long enough to talk to her . I don 't know how long this went on for but eventually the day came when I found the pain was bearable and I turned to see her reading in her usual corner . It was daylight outside and I could see now that she looked older than she should for her size . Her red hair was done in pigtails and it looked as if she was wearing glasses . " Welcome to the world of the living . Wasn 't sure if you were going to make it . It was touch and go for a while there , but than your fever broke last night and I knew you were in the clear . You goliaths sure are tougher than most . " She walked out of the room and came back a few moments later with a glass . She held the cup as lifted it slowly as I drank . She than placed it on the table next to me . " I 'll leave it there just in case you want more . Just let me know . You should get some more rest . You still have to heal . " For the next few days , ( which was hard to judge since my days were measured by the times I remained conscious long enough to recognize Vallin was wearing something different ) I would be able to move a little more with less pain . My arm was still in a splint , but I was able to move my fingers without to much pain . My leg had stopped bleeding and from what Vallin said was starting to heal . I would wake up long enough for her to feed me and every once in a while I would wake up and hear voices in the other room speaking with Vallin although I couldn 't understand them . " Not yet ! You may not have broken your back , but it is still badly hurt . Better to stay laying flat for a while longer . In the mean time … " " My friends and I were on an important mission and we were somehow separated . I want to get the message to my companions as to where I am and it is very important it reach them . I may not agree with it , but if your parents trust you to take care of me , which I appreciate , that is one thing , but I rather the responsibility of delivering my message be given to an adult and not some child ! " I was shocked , this whole time I thought she was a little girl . Than I noticed the low ceilings the small furniture and I thought about the people talking and how i couldn 't understand them . And then there were the children attacking the bear . The hairy children . We walked towards the flaming forest in hopes of reaching it before more Ragisians caught up with us . Even though the thought of dispatching more of those bastards to their witch goddess filled my being , the others felt moving on with our mission was more important . After the battle some of group needed a rest , especially the child . There was some debate as to whether or not to camp at the old mans house or press forward . I pointed out tactically we would be better off marching to the forests edge and setting up camp there . The child unfortunately was weakened by her powers . They seemed to take a lot out of her . So I volunteered to carry her . Reluctantly she took my hand and I whisked her up onto my shoulder where she leaned against my head and rested . As we walked I couldn 't help but think of my son . I had once carried him on my shoulders as I carry the girl now . And like my son this girl had a strong heart and a fighting spirit . Thoughts of my son filled my mind as we continued to the forest . We reached the edge of the forest where we could still bear the heat before entering and set up camp . Snow took the first watch and I the second . It was strange , but sleep was doing it 's best to creep up on me . It was a battle to keep my eyes open and than suddenly the world went black . I found myself in a golden field looking up at a clear blue sky . I sat up and looked to see that the field extended towards the horizon . A child 's laughter echoed around me . I turned and there was Khan , my son . I woke up and found that I was actually lying in the middle of a street . I had been dreaming , only to wake up to a nightmare . We quickly discovered that we were in a future gone wrong and the world had fallen to Leska . As we dealt with our surroundings and the vile creatures that lived in this world , I kept thinking of the dream . I hadn 't thought of my son in years . Why now ? Was it because of the girl ? We soon found ourselves in front of Phaetos , lord of the underworld of Ptolus now king of what was left of the once proud city . As the others discussed what had happened to the world my mind thought of the dream of the golden field . My thoughts came crashing back to our reality when Phaetos explained that we had some how caused this hellish world to come into being . While the others , minus Snow , worked out a pact with the Demon to send us back I argued that we should stay and make our way to Leska and find the answers to how we could possibly have betrayed our world and what had happened to Baffin . It seemed that my mind was still distracted by my dream for somehow I ended up going along with Nameless and Venmann 's plan of having Phaetos send us back . Snow was not happy with the plan either . And we quickly learned what happens when you make a deal with a devil . Phaetos released his Hell Knights upon us as a " test " . We quickly went to work on the demons , but they were a lot stronger than mere Ragisians and without Baffin there to heal and motivate us , the fight was very difficult . I found myself once again in the golden field . I quickly stood up to my son 's laughter and turned to see him running across the field . I started to run after him . A joy I had not felt in many years began to fill me . Suddenly the field was gone and I was looking up at Snow . Behind her a Hell Knight prepared to strike her . I quickly stood and blocked his attack . Before long another Knight bore into my side with his lance and I was down again . I was up again , this time Nameless was above me . He smiled showing me his teeth and the frenzied look he gets in his eyes during a battle . We fought momentarily back to back , but than he teleported onto the back of one of the Hell Knights tearing into him . I brought the war hammer that had been the old mans , down onto the knight I was fighting and shattered his helmet . This war hammer I had come to find out was a mighty weapon . I will be well served using it in future battles . I was catching up to my boy when I looked up and saw the figure he was running towards . It was my wife Sela . Kahn ran up to her and she picked him up and held him up on her hip . She didn 't even notice I was there until I stepped closer . She turned to me and smiled . There was a little sadness in her smiled . And with that she placed her hand on my face . I could feel her warmth and realized how much I missed her touch . And than it was gone . I was once again staring up at a Hell Knight . This time it was Venmann who was helping me to my feet . A fury filled me and I went about helping to dispatch these demons . We awoke back at the campsite at the edge of the burning forest . The others quickly went about explaining what had happened . I noticed that the war hammer was gone , but for some reason it didn 't really bother me . My thoughts were elsewhere . I looked over at the girl and wondered if the ability to transport us to far off futures was the only power she had over me . I stare at my reflection on my blood stained axe and I think perhaps I have strayed to far . The face I see is no longer that of the man that came down from the mountains . I have eaten animal flesh , I drink the devil water , and I am now forever marked by my choices . The white ink that covers my face and body was intended as a death mask . I had gotten it in hopes that it would weaken my enemies resolve in battle so that I could send them to the hell they deserve . But instead have I forever scarred myself . As I watched my friends in the councilman 's hall looking over the skins , I saw the strong reactions each of them had to the hanging skins . I thought of this as I entered the room where I would get my Shared Heart tattoo . I pondered it even as I tried to bite back the pain from the half orcs needle . When he was done and I looked over the work I decided I wanted something that would instill that kind of reaction from my enemies . I decided it wasn 't enough to mark them , to have them fear my deeds , but also fear my image . I explained to the half - orc what I wanted . He looked me over and than brought out the white ink . After many hours he was done and I looked into the mirror at my ghostly markings . This was an image that would burn into the Ragisans subconscious , it would follow them into their nightmares and for most it wold be the last image they would see before I sent them to meet their god . As I stand now at the edge of the Burning Forrest cleaving the heads of the Ragesian dogs that we have killed I catch a glimpse of myself in my axe and wonder again . Have I gone to far ? In my cruelty to these monsters have I become a monster myself ? Have I alienated my friends with my horrific and sickening tactics ? I will begin this journal at the point where I became inspired . Killing these dogs was not enough ; I wanted them to fear us . To fear me . I wanted every Ragesian to pause every time they mentioned our names . To tremble every time they recounted a story of our group . I wanted to put the same fear in their ranks that they had put into the people . I will begin at Gates Pass . We had been waiting for the return of Torrent when we were told that some Ragesian spies posing as clerics would be lodging at the Golden Tower . We made or way to the inn to try and root them out . Once there we found multiple suspects but eventually the identity of the spies were discovered . Our faithful gnoll Nameless followed the spies up to their room as Baffin , Snow , Venmin and I kept our distance . The spies entered their room closing the door and Nameless tried quietly to listen through the door . The spies must have been keen to his presence for the door came crashing open and Nameless was sent up against the far wall . The rest of us charged the room . As the ground rose up to meet us I managed to wrap my hands around the dogs throat but before I could snap his neck we hit the ground . A deep embankment of snow had softened our impact . We were both dazed for a few moments , but the Ragesian recovered and quickly got to his feet . He stumbled away as I found my footing and the chase was on . The cold air must have cleared the cur 's head for he quickly began to run . I to cleared my head and followed suit . He wove in and out of back alleys trying to lose me but like a wild dog that has caught the scent of wounded elk I was not going to let him go . I wish I could tell you how his speech ended , but before he could get it out I leaped upon him . The other four were taken aback as with one swift motion I had relieved the bastard 's body of its head . The others stood speechless as the head disappeared into the darkness . Than it was my turn to speak . The dogs rushed me . The first one swung at me with his broadsword , I must say he moved fast for I barely had time to dodge the blade . I than quickly bashed his face with the hilt of my new battleaxe . He fell to the floor unconscious . The two to my left made their attack . I parried the first and his momentum carried him past me and he had to catch his footing leaving me time to block his friend 's axe with mine . His friend had turned and took another swing . His sword sliced my arm bouncing off my armor . I swung my axe down and it buried itself in his left shoulder splitting him down to breast . The last Ragesian had been waiting for an opportune moment to attack . Seeing my back he charged with his war hammer . Unable to pull my axe free , I let it drop with the body . I turned to face him just as he prepared another swing . Unarmed and wounded I decided to take away his ability to effectively swing his weapon . I moved in quickly closing the gap between us and grabbed the hilt of the hammer before he could bring it down . He tried pulling it back but I maintained my grip . He than collected his strength and yanked at the axe pulling it free . He lost his footing and stumbled back a little . I moved in again before he could ready himself for another swing and punched him in the jaw . He stumbled back some more dropping the hammer on its head . The hammer bounced a little and before the handle fell I grabbed it with my good arm and with one swing brought it up . The hammer connected with the under part of his jaw , shattering it . The force of the blow sent the soldier flying off his feet and back against the wall . His body crashed to the ground . I stood over him and than lifted the hammer above my head swinging it down onto his head . It exploded like a crushed grape sending brain , bone and blood across the floor . Seeing that the battle was over in leaned against the wall and took a breath trying to slow my heart . My dislocated shoulder throbbed and I prepared myself for what I had to do . I walked over to one of the supports and positioned myself . I twisted my body back and brought it forward with all the strength I had left in me . My shoulder hit the post , popping my shoulder back into place . The pain was excruciating and I let out a primal scream . I took a moment to collect myself and than went about retrieving my weapons . I also searched the bodies for any treasures . My time with Baffin was beginning to show . I found a very decorative knife on the one who I had originally chased here . No doubt some sort reward for killing some innocent . As I searched the one who I had hit with my axe hilt he let out a small moan . I pulled out my new knife and was about to slice his throat when I paused . A dark thought entered my mind . A smile crossed my lips as I put the knife away for later use and searched for rope . I found some hanging from the wall and bound the unconscious dog . I than went about preparing for when he woke up . Thirty minutes passed , and as I cleaned off the blood from my axe I heard the high - pitched screech from my prisoner . I found the dog trying desperately to get away from the scene I had set for his waking eyes . I had taken the heads of his friends and surrounded him with them . Their cold dead eyes staring up at him . I gave him a few moments to collect himself and than knelt down . " Good you 're awake ! I wanted you to be able to wake up to a familiar face . " I turned and looked at the heads and than at the one who 's head I crushed with the war hammer . " Unfortunately your one friend didn 't have much of a head left to join the group . " " Apparently you are not grasping the gravity of your situation . I have no need for a prisoner so my options are to kill you or let you go . What I do is entirely up to you . As you can see I have no reservations about having you join your compatriots , but if you help me out by giving me the information I want , it could sway me to let you go . So I will ask again , where are your fellow spies . " " Please , I was just assigned to this squad . I wasn 't completely briefed of other squad 's positions . I don 't know where any of them are . Please don 't kill me ! " " Which brings me to the other thing I want you to do for me . You see once you tell the story it will be discussed for a while but eventually it will be forgotten . I don 't like that . I don 't want the stories of what happened here to just fade away . I want it to continue through the ranks so that the every soldier dreads coming across me and my companions . So you are going to make sure it is never forgotten . " I than grabbed the back of his head and brought the blade to his forehead . I pushed the blade down to the skull and the dog screamed . I than began to carve a letter into his skin . He screamed through the whole ordeal getting louder as I went along . I finished off and stepped back to look at my work . Through the blood I could see the letter M carved shakily into his forehead . |
This morning , or was it last night ? Can 't be too sure about the time . Let us for the sake of expediency call it the middle of the night , whenever that is . Anyway it was still dark outside . Actually it was dark inside too because I never switched the light on . Which probably explains why I didn 't know what time it was . Oh blimey , got distracted again . Why can 't I stick to the point ? You know , sometimes I wish I had the ability to switch off certain bits of my mind . Then perhaps I would be better able to concentrate on the job in hand . How I managed to get distracted today of all days is an absolute mystery , because my dear friends what happened last night was of such mind blowing importance , that nothing else , and I do mean nothing else , in this world should matter . Let me explain . Oh good , I hear you exclaim , finally , he is going to get to the point . Really now , there is no need for sarcasm ! Please , let me get on . This is so important . I woke up this morning in an extremely heightened state of excitement indeed ! No , not that ! Please ! No , something really exciting happened . Something of , and I don 't say this lightly , worldwide significance . This morning , ladies and gentlemen , I , John Bain , of the tiny parish of Yapton , in the district of Arundel , part of the county of West Sussex , somewhere in England , discovered , wait for it , wait for it , discovered . . . . As I lay there , alone , in my bed , tears filled my eyes , as the realisation dawned , as to what this actually meant . My life would be transformed of course . There would be television interviews . Journalists would besiege my humble abode . People , women mostly , I hoped , would throw themselves at my feet , maybe even into my bed ! No sorry , that is wrong , I 'm getting carried away again . Scientists would write weighty tomes on my discovery . This blog , would take on far greater significance , than it currently does . The statistics page would go into meltdown . I would , it goes without saying , be world famous . Briefly I thought about writing down , what I had discovered . But then , laughing at myself , after all , how was I going to forget something this important . . ? I didn 't bother , and drifted off , back into sleep . Why , oh why , didn 't I write it down ? It has gone . The meaning of life ? Sorry , but I haven 't a clue ! I have let you down . I have let the world down . I am so sorry , truly I am . I shall go back to sleep , that 's what I 'll do . Maybe , just maybe . I 'll be given a second chance ! Isn 't it odd the effect one ill thought out remark from a friend can have ? I am consumed by grumpiness today because of such a remark , and I have determined never to speak to the person who made it , ever again . I mean that . I am so stubborn . Once my mind is made up , that 's it . No way will I change my mind . Never ! Not in a month of Sunday 's . Silly isn 't it ? I know that . I also know that this bad mood will pass as quickly as it arrived . I also know that the person who made the remark , is probably totally unaware of it 's effect on me . But leave me alone , to enjoy my grumpy moment , please . They don 't occur too frequently these days , and I want to wallow in my misery for a while longer . We all do it I would think , make unthinking comments . It is impossible to spend too long thinking before we speak . Blimey ! If we were to mind our P 's and Q 's all the time the art of conversation would surely die . I do it . Used to do it a lot when I was younger . Not so much these days , but I 'm sure it still happens occasionally . As I say , sometimes we are not even aware of it . That 's better ! Got that off my chest . Now I am off to give my friend a hug . She , or he , I 'm not saying , will perhaps wonder why they are being hugged . I shall tell them it 's because I like them . Now you lot , cheer up ! Honestly my mood has lifted . I didn 't mean to bring you down with me . I like you . I really do . I like you a lot . Posted by She , or he , we never did determine the true gender , but thought female , lived with us from her fledgling days . We knew at first not to interfere when we found her and her sibling . Her parents were still around . However when the sibling was killed on the road , and Lucky was injured by an unknown predator , we took her , if you will excuse the unintended pun , under our wing . George , my extremely handsome son , cared for her , until she was old enough to be given her freedom . We wondered if her slightly damaged wing would hinder her from flying , but on the day of release , she took to the sky with ease , and disappeared from our lives . Three days later she reappeared , and never strayed from our boundaries again . In the first few days of her return she was , to be frank , as far as I was concerned , a flipping nuisance . she would without warning fly down and land on my head . Always a shock and painful as she dug her claws into my scalp . I soon discouraged this and she gave me up as a potential roost . George however , had no such qualms and she took to always flying to him . He became the only person she fully trusted . It was a wonderful thing to hear him call to her and watch her fly and land on his outstretched arm . Last year at four years old she reached maturity , and I wondered if the call of the wild would encourage her away . But it never did . Perhaps she knew that due to her damaged wing , and small size , she would not prosper . She mucked in with the chickens most of the time , sharing their food . Sadie , the German Shepherd , and Bonnie the cat , somehow knew that she was part of the family and gave her no grief . Sadie would even tolerate Lucky 's favourite game of sneaking up behind her , pulling her tail , and running away . Remarkable tolerance from Sadie , who does not like crows or magpies being on her territory and chases them away . How she could tell the difference from a distance , always amazed me . We suspect , from the way her feathers had been plucked out , that she was taken by a sparrowhawk . The same sparrowhawk who has cleared the area of collared doves , and takes the occasional blackbird . I have had a busy day constructing my outdoor art gallery . I am using any old bits of timber and materials I have about the place to make it , and as usual when doing work like this I am thoroughly enjoying myself . There are no plans for it except in my head . I am aiming to make it look like a rustic covered way , or something like that , and I shall hang my paintings and other stuff that I make in it . Difficult to describe it really , but when it 's done I shall take photos and show them to you . This evening I made dinner for my extremely handsome son George , because his Mum Tricia was away visiting her Mum in London . I made a shepherds pie . Unfortunately I left too much gravy in the mince , and the mashed potato I put on top was absorbed into it , so it was a bit . . a lot , soggy . Never mind he said he enjoyed it and he had a second helping so I believe he did . After dinner I took him to his football training in town . While he was there I went and saw a lovely couple of people who want a portrait done of their son , and his parrot ! I am looking forward to doing this one . The parrot is brightly coloured and will give me a challenge balancing the bright colours against their sons skin tones . Leaving them , I went back and watched George training . I think both he and I have got over our fears that his recent knee operation would affect his playing . It certainly hasn 't from what I could see , and he looks to be full of confidence on the pitch again . After I had dropped George back at home , I had to go into town again straight away , to play at an open mic night . Which of course I did magnificently ! Well I have to say that , no one else will . I 'm not blowing my own trumpet though , because I play guitar . It was nearly midnight when I got home . It 's a cold night so I had some cornflakes with hot milk . Then I started reading other blogs . Now that I am following quite a few , it takes a bit of time to catch up , and the time is now 1 - 45 am . I had , or have , a tale to tell , but it is late and I am tired . It is quite a complicated story about the time I ran away from foster care at age 13 . So I will leave it now until the next time I am on here . I must apologise for not writing a post this time , but it is very late . Please forgive my laziness . There is always a big kettle of water on too when the fire is alight . The kettle is not the pretty one in the picture , but a much bigger one . It comes in very useful in the winter because I have not yet got around to connecting the propane gas boiler for hot water . Did you notice that I refer to it as her ? This is probably because she gives me comfort and keeps me warm at night . Also as I mentioned earlier she cooks well . But that is a sexist thing to say , so please in order to keep things politically correct , forget I said it . Bloody political correctness ! Where the hell did that spring from ? In my young days we didn 't need it . We just used common courtesy to get by . Sexist , that 's another word that has sprung up from nowhere . When I was a lad we celebrated our differences . Now , well we have to watch everything we say . Sod that ! Oh , don 't get me started ! Sorry about that , I let myself get sidetracked . Where was I ? Oh yes , I was telling you about my lovely stove . My beautiful , sexy , feminine stove , My own iron lady . Whoops here I go again ! She burns wood or coal . In fact she can burn any old rubbish . Not that I would do that , burn rubbish I mean . At least not while anyone is watching . It 's frowned upon you know . Like a heck of a lot of things these days . I found her in the small ads . I had been searching for a suitable wood burner for some time . There were lots of modern ones around , but they lacked character . I had seen a beautiful " Belle Portable " on Ebay but it was priced at £ 4000 ! Another one I saw somewhere was at £ 1500 . There were broken ones and some with bits missing , but they were all out of my price range . In the end I decided that I would have to go for a simple modern one , even if it did look out of place in the wagon . Then one day , feeling sad , lonely , and unloved , I was looking through the small ads in the local paper . I was probably , due to my mood , searching for the woman of my dreams in the lonely heart section . Once again I never found her , but I did spot this : ' old fashioned range for sale . £ 50 ' . Well at 50 quid I thought it must be a modern , probably electric reproduction . I mentioned this to George , my extremely handsome son . I said it wasn 't worth looking at , but he persuaded me that there was no harm in calling the phone number to find out more . So I did . The lady who answered assured me it was a genuine old stove . But I was still sceptical . I mean £ 50 ! Surely it would have been snapped up by now . I 'll cut a long story short . You haven 't got all day . It was a genuine , old , cast iron , ' Belle Portable ' . In perfect working order , and here it is , in my wagon , doing what it was designed to do all those years ago . John went out without me today . So it was quite peaceful around the place . I found a way through the fence , and took myself off for a pleasant amble over the back field . It was nice . The sun was warm on my back and eased my arthritis so much that I forgot I had it . Managed to chase a few rabbits too . I didn 't catch any though , although obviously I could have done if I had really wanted to . Unfortunately , my walk was cut short when the farmer saw me , and called me over . I thought he wanted to say hallo , but he put me in the back of his truck and drove me home . Honestly some people ! They really ought to mind their own business . It turned out all right though , because it wasn 't long before John arrived back . I was sitting by the gate . He assumed , as usual that I had been waiting there patient and loyal all the time he was away , and made a huge fuss of me , telling me what a good girl I am . Even went indoors especially and gave me two biscuits . I hope the farmer doesn 't come back and tell any tales . After he 'd had a cup of tea , John came out to play ball with me . I wish he wouldn 't . It 's OK for him , he 's not the one who has to chase after it . It 's all right if he just does it two or three times , but sometimes he doesn 't know when to stop . He seems to forget that I am getting on a bit now and I like to take things a little bit easy . I wonder how he would like it if he had to chase a ball up and down the paddock a dozen times . He couldn 't do it . He would probably manage to retrieve it once , before sinking to the ground exhausted , and blowing like a beached whale . It 's sad watching him . He just refuses to accept that he is getting older . He can 't run properly any more either , but he won 't admit it to himself . Instead he has adopted a kind of skipping motion with an occasional sideways deviation , which he thinks makes him look like a professional footballer . So embarrassing , but also hilariously funny to watch . It used to be that I would retrieve the ball every time and bring it back to him . It was so lovely to see his little face light up when I dropped the ball at his feet . It gave him such a kick to think that he had trained me to retrieve things . The truth is , that I had actually trained him to give me doggy treats . There was a bit of a respite from the ball throwing , when he discovered that it was making his shoulder ache . He tried throwing it with his left arm , but someone remarked that he looked like a girl , so he stopped that . I did enjoy the break , and thought happily , that his ball throwing days were over . Do you know what he has done ? When he was out today he bought a ball on a rope . He says it is a present for me ! Well I know what he can do with that ! Really he is so thoughtless . Anyway , I chased it a couple of times , just so he didn 't think I was ungrateful about my new present , and then I 'd had enough so I adopted my hangdog expression , and pretended to limp . That always works . I think he felt guilty because he gave me another couple of biscuits . Jimmy is my Mothers latest husband . He is a proper husband . Proper in the sense they they were legally married in the Registrars office . As usual in momentous occasions in Mums life , I was not at the actual ceremony , but I have seen photographic evidence that a marriage occurred , and I also noticed that Mum had a new outfit , and a new hat . Jimmy is a quiet , dour , man of few words , but when he does rise to the bait , the resulting arguments can be quite terrifying . Nothing physical , apart from Mum hurling objects at him , but extremely loud and nasty . I found the arguments so unsettling , that at the age of 14 I once again found myself in care , and resident in a local children 's home . Mum says there is nothing to be nervous about , because Jimmy is in the bedroom . He is definitely dead , and the lid of his coffin is screwed down very tight . There must be a draught coming from somewhere , because shivers keep running up my back . The women were drinking Sherry in little glasses , " Just a very small one for me please Muriel , " and the men were knocking back Jimmy 's best whisky . If he wasn 't already dead Jimmy would have had a heart attack at the measures they were pouring themselves . He liked to be hospitable , not philanthropic . I had never seen a dead body before and was reluctant to look , but Mum said I had to , so that I could properly pay my respects , whatever that meant . The person in the coffin did not look like Jimmy . It looked like a skeleton . Jimmy was a burly ex wrestler . I was not convinced it was him , but everyone else seemed to recognise him . They stood and looked for a few seconds and spoke to each other about what a fine man he had been , and how much he would be missed at the bowls club . Things like that . One woman peered into the coffin and exclaimed , " Oh my word Muriel , he does look well ! " At which several people nodded and murmured agreement . He didn 't though , he looked like a dead man who was very ill . Just before they screwed down the coffin lid , Mum said I should give Jimmy a kiss . I thought it was a weird thing to do , and didn 't want to do it , but I didn 't want to make a fuss about it , so I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead . It was like kissing cold marble . Although why I thought that , I have no idea , having never kissed marble in my life , whether warm or cold . That was the first time I had ever kissed Jimmy , or indeed , shown any affection towards him at all . It wasn 't that I didn 't like him . I didn 't know him . My feelings were quite ambivalent . Besides , men did not show their emotions in those days . It was considered unmanly . It was a long time after his death , that I began to understand his character , as well as the realisation of just how fond of him I had been . It was cancer that got him . He was 64 years old . It had been a tough life . Most of it spent working in the quarry . He was just a few months off retiring . Poor Jimmy . All that hard work and he never even got the gold pocket watch ! I am 64 now . I intend to keep going for some time . I still have things to do . One thing I will be doing , is letting people I like , know that I like them . Another thing I will be doing is , avoiding pointless arguments . Actually make that all arguments . Lastly , and in my opinion very importantly , I shall be making absolutely certain that I have finished every last drop of whisky in the bottle before I go . Do you believe the stats that Blogger shows relating to your posts ? I only ask because I seem to have lost a lot of readers since my short break last month . Before my break I had an average of - don 't laugh please - 109 readers every day . Since my return the average has gone down dramatically . I can 't say what it is now for certain , because I can 't remember where I got the figures from in the first place . But I do know that it is much less than previous . Also my most popular post , the one about the naked man and the woodpecker , had been read , according to the stats , 107 times . Now it seems that it has been read only about 80 times . How did that happen ? Before the break , most of my readers came from here in the UK . Now it seems that hardly anyone in the UK reads my blog . At the same time my American readership has suddenly increased about threefold . This is a nice stat . I love my American readers . While I am here , I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in my blog , and to thank those of you who have become followers . Welcome also to my new followers . You are all very much appreciated , and have added a very nice new interest to my life . Years ago I had a discussion with someone about ghosts . I can 't remember who it was , or where for that matter . Oh all right then , I 'll admit it . It was with a drunk bloke in a pub . It wasn 't really a discussion either . More of a heated argument . In fact he was so blind drunk that he didn 't know what I was talking about . I was only slightly drunk , so naturally I recall the occasion very well . I also remember it so vividly , because when I asked the drunk bloke what he thought of my theory , he said it was a load of , " pretentious old twaddle . " I took exception to this remark , and told him exactly what I thought of him . At which point I was thrown out of the pub . It turned out that he was the landlord . During the course of that learned and thought provoking afternoon drinking session I propounded the theory , that ghosts or spirits , whatever you like to call them , do not exist . That which we think of as ghosts , are , according to the theory I propounded , actually simply memories , or emotions . I used the following reasoning to explain why I thought this . A woman has lived in the same house all her life . When she was a little girl one of her main chores was to go to the well every morning and draw a bucket of water . She had continued to go to the well every day of her life , sometimes two or three times a day , until the very day she died . She had a long life . Let us say for the sake of argument that she reached the age of 95 . Let us suppose that she began going to the well when she was 10 years old . That means 85 years of two trips a day . That makes the number of journeys she made in her entire lifetime , add up to . . . . er . . erm . . 364 x 2 equals . . er . . 728 days . . erm no . . 728 trips a year . That makes 7280 trips in 10 years , times 80 equals . . no times . . no wait . . hold on a minute . . I can do this . . well anyway as I was saying that old woman made an awful lot of trips to the well in her lifetime . Therefore I would suggest , indeed propound , that the memory , or emotions , of the old woman , would still be there , drawing water from the well , for some time after her death . If you had known the old woman , I think it is not unreasonable to suggest , that you would feel her presence so strongly you might even see her there . Further to this , even if you had simply been told about her , you might also have felt or seen her . Particularly if you have an emotional or sensitive nature . Anyway that is my theory . That , as far as I am concerned , goes a long way towards validating the theory which I came up with many years ago . Not bad for a bloke who finished his schooling at the age of eleven . His schooling , but certainly not his education . Apart from maths that is . I never did get to grips with that . I should have written a paper on it all those years ago . I could have been famous . Think of the kudos . Maybe I would have been given an honorary doctorate . Too late now . They 'll say they propounded it . Well , they didn 't . I propounded that theory . Maybe they 'll send me a cheque in the post . What happens when I become enthused with something is that I allow it to take over my life . That 's what has happened here , and I have been working on this project from early morning to late evening . Which is the reason why I have not done a lot of writing lately . Although the writing I have done , is , as usual , to such a high calibre that no one has been left wanting in that respect . Not that I would ever be so immodest as to actually say that . As you know by now , I am a very humble man , and take extraordinary pride in my humility . So I hear you ask , what have I been up to ? Well I hope you are ready for this revelation . I have made . . wait for it . . wait for it . . I have made a gate ! Yes I know . I can hear your brain cells ticking over . Not only is he ever so humble , but he is a genius too . Well it is very kind of you to think about me in those terms , and thank you , but really it was nothing . Anyone could have done it . Provided they possessed the same genius as me that is . But I wouldn 't ever say that of course . I 'm a humble man . Here it is then , the gate . I have just realised that there are actually four gates in one . By the way , that shed you see there is not really a shed . It is actually the main gate . The white picket gate on the left is not really a gate , it is a paint effect known as trompe l ' oeil , which means to deceive the eye . It is painted onto the real side gate , which is also painted to look like what is behind it . I 'm confusing myself here . The yellow door in the middle is real , and also opens . So there you have it , four in one . Here are some more photos . The little milk bottle was found whilst George , my extremely handsome son and I were clearing the ground . I gave it a clean up , filled it with white paint , and made a tin foil cap for it , the bottle is glued to the window sill with aruldite glue , which is very strong . The cap is also glued on . Here is a confession . It has taken me ages trying to get these pictures in the right places on the page . This is the best I can do with them . So you see , I am not really a genius , but I am humble enough to admit my failure in this respect . I have recently acquired a Microsoft Surface pad . I can draw straight onto it . I love it ! Some people think my scribbles would make a good c . . . You know how I 'm always harping on about never having enough money ? What ? You didn 't know that ? Sorry I thought you did . Anyway I am . . . The last couple of days have been really horrible . Sniff . I have had the worst case of man flu to ever not be documented . Cough , splutter . . . . |
You Raise Me Up Posted on July 3 , 2014 by Marvin David Webster Martin Hurkens is a baker by trade . In 2009 he lost his job in Holland . Martin had been a baker for 35 years and had no trade outside of tending an oven and creating food delights in a commercial kitchen . Martin always dreamed of being an opera singer . When he was a 7 - year - old boy he auditioned for the youth choir in his native village Schinveld . The director was very fond of his vocal talent and took him under his wing as a soloist . Martin began singing in churches and became very popular . At 13 , Martin received a scholarship to music school in Brunssum , where he studied singing and piano lessons . Funding problems forced him to leave the music school . His dream of becoming a professional singer ended abruptly . After processing this disappointment Martin made his career with Erkens Bakeries in Brunssum . Martin continued to sing because he was happy . He sang because it made his day at the bakery a pleasure . He sang because it made him feel good . He sang and baked for 35 years . Then he lost his job . The competition was tough , but Martin built a following and he made it to the finals where he made the most of his moment in time . He won " Holland Has Talent " in 2010 . He began a recording career and has given countless beautiful performances in the Netherlands , Turkey and even New York City . He also began headlining with the Limburg Symphony Orchestra . Success has never gone to Martin 's head . He remembers the pain of having lost his scholarship and his job . He humbly accepts success , but has never lost his benchmark . Today Martin can still on occasion be seen laying his hat down on the cobblestone streets of Brunssum . Those watching begin to smile as their hearts are touched by his rendition . Martin is no longer simply a street singer . Martin is an angelic evangelist of the hope we have in life and the love of God . Martin 's story is inspiring because he made the most of his moment . Martin reminds us we are raised up so we can stand on mountains . He also reminds us to remember the cobblestone streets from which we came . The Peppermint Lounge Posted on August 23 , 2010 by Marvin David Webster Editor 's Note : My friend David Schaub sent me this revealing experience about a nightclub in Pampa , Texas called The Peppermint Lounge . David 's real life experience at the Peppermint Lounge in Pampa will take those who lived in Pampa during that era on a trip down memory lane . The rest of you will find it a fun article that accurately reveals a legendary place in small town America in 1968 . In the late 1960 's when I was living there , Pampa had a population which consisted of primarily whites with barely a thousand or so blacks . As it had always been up to that time , virtually all of the blacks lived in an area called the Flats . As was then typical in most of the South and Texas , it was located " across the tracks " . Segregated schools had only been abolished a couple of years before and the Flats had lost its binding feature - the schools . One of the most famous places to many people who knew Pampa was the Peppermint Lounge , a black nightclub located in the Flats . The Peppermint Lounge had a bad reputation . There were always notes of fights with the police being called in the Police Beat in the newspaper . There had been a couple of shootings and stabbings there . I had heard stories about this place for several years from the black guys I played baseball and football with but to myself and most of my friends , it was a place which I would never set foot . It was way too dangerous to even think about . Well , one of the problems of being young is that you are bullet - proof or at least you think you are . I was just bored enough to want to find out what the Peppermint Lounge was all about . I had always had a very good rapport with the black guys with whom I played little league / babe ruth league baseball and high school football . We kidded around a lot with our black buddies and some of us got a real education about how some of the guys lived in the Flats . Things like sex , prostitution , liquor laws , gambling , and the general view of how life is lived was a lot different for most of them . We also found out that some , if not all , of our buddies went to the Peppermint on a regular basis . The rules were different there . I was very curious . The second semester of my senior year in high school , I was effectively worthless . I had enough credits to graduate , I had been accepted to Tech already , I was just going through the motions . Thus , I didn 't study , did little homework , sports were over for me , and I was only going to 3 classes . The rest of the day , I worked at the Chevy car dealership parts department . One of the guys I kidded around with at work was a black fellow I will call Swede ( not his real name ) . He was single , probably about 30 years old and drove a cool car . Swede was always good for a laugh and my working partner , Bennie , and I knew where he would hide when he wanted to " rest " . We would find him and hide with him sometimes and talk about all kinds of stuff . I found out that he went to the Peppermint Lounge on a regular basis . The stories he told us were amazing ! One day I was chatting with him about the Peppermint and he asked me if I would like to go with him . He said no one would bother me and I would probably know a bunch of folks there . I told him I would go if my running buddy , Lanny , would go and I would get back to him . No chance I was going there by myself . I excited . That night I tracked Lanny down on the drag . Lanny had not grown up in Pampa . He was already out of high school and was a really cool dude . He was only about a year older than me . He was living with his cousins to let a situation cool off in Arkansas . Lanny had the coolest car - a brand new ' 68 Mustang fastback with a 351 Cleveland engine . It looked good and ran like a bat out of hell ! We had been running around together for almost a year and gotten into only minor trouble . When I explained to him what Swede had offered to do , he said sure let 's go ! The weekend was only a couple of days away so I told Swede that we would be at his house at 9pm on Saturday . Swede told me how to find his house . I wanted to go later in the evening so that it was dark to help " hide " us from prying eyes . On Saturday , Lanny and I met up and I jumped in his car . I directed him over to the Flats and to Swede 's house . We pulled up in front of his house . It was dark but Swede 's car was in the driveway . We went up to the door and it was open , with only a screen door to keep the mosquitoes out . I knocked on the screen door and nothing ! I knew he had to be there . His car is there . I banged louder and this time I heard a muffled noise that sounded like , " Come on in . " We entered the mostly dark house and in the bedroom off the kitchen was Swede sprawled across the bed . He was dead drunk . I helped him sit up on the edge of the bed and he said he had been drinking since that morning . I asked him if he remembered he was going to take us down to the Peppermint Lounge . He said yeah , but he could not go because he was too sick . However he had set it up with the bartender and it would be OK . He told us to Just go on down there and we would see our buddies there . Lanny and I went back to the car to figure out what to do . When we got outside , we found a young kid standing next to the car admiring it . When he turned around , I recognized the brother of one of my black friends . He said he loved the car and wondered if he could have a ride in it . I looked at Lanny and then I turned to him and told him that Swede was going to take us to the Peppermint but was not in any shape . He said , no problem , I will show you where it is . He said his brother was there and it would be ok if we went in . I turned to Lanny and asked him what he thought . " Let 's do it ! " So off we went . Our new guide directed us to a street with a lot of houses . We drive down to the white house and stopped . Our little friend leans over to the window next to me and yells at the girl standing on the porch , " Hey , watch this ! OK , hit it , man . " He guides us down and around until we come to a long street with very little on it except this building set back off of the street to our right . There are cars parked everywhere . We drive by and see 5 or 6 dudes standing around outside . I don 't see anyone I know . We go past the club and turn around in the street . Lanny sees that there is a vacant lot across the street and the curb is pretty well beat off . He pulls in and parallels a pickup sitting near the street . We look at each other and I say , " Well , here we go . " Our little buddy jumps out and is gone into the night . As we walk by the pickup , I look in the bed and there is a dude laying there either passed out or dead . Either way , he did not move . Lanny and I cross the street and head for the door . None of the guys outside say anything to us but look us over really good . I did not know what to expect when we went through that door . This could be the largest mistake of my life or not , but I knew we would soon find out . I lead going in . The music is loud . It is really dark and smoke is everywhere . I cant see anything . I hear someone yelling " Hey , man . Come over here ! " It is my buddy , Wayne . His brother was our guide . We go over to this table full of guys and I suddenly discover that it is most of my friends and a few more . Besides Wayne , there is Frank , Stanley , and Bobby . He introduces two slightly older guys and we pull up a couple of chairs . There are empties all over the table so they are obviously not just sitting there . Our butts barely hit the bottom of the chair when the largest man I have ever seen in my life comes over and says he wants to see our licenses ! Holy cow , we are about to get bounced out of here . Wayne yells to me - " Give him your license , man " . Lanny and I pull out our licenses and hand them up what seems like 20 feet to his hands . He stands there a second and looks at them , looks at us , and then says , " What will you guys have ? " Lanny says , " Bring us two Buds and one for each of our buddies ! " He disappears . We start talking to the guys and tell them about Swede and the kid . The guys know about Swede being out of commission . Wayne says they had a bet that we would not show up . My eyes are beginning to adjust to the dark room . The walls are covered with neon beer signs . There is maybe 30 tables in the room and a fair size dance floor filled with people . Along the walls are some chairs with young ladies in them . They all seem to be looking at us . It is loud . Wayne tells us that the bartender only wanted to see our license so he would know how old we are in case of trouble . He needs to know who to throw out the side door in case the cops come ! Well , that makes me feel better ! ! Geez . About that time , the beer shows up and we all get served . I suck down about half and I noticed Lanny did too . I introduce him around to everyone . He doesn 't know any of the guys but when I tell them he owns the red and black Mustang , they all know him ! At this point , we were doing good . I was beginning to get used to this place . Then Wayne said , " Hey man , you want to dance ? " Before I could say anything , this girl appeared and sits down in the empty chair next to me . She had to be about my age or maybe a little younger but I had no idea who she was . I don 't remember seeing her at school , but here she is . I don 't know who I am going to offend if I say no , or what kind of stuff I am going to get into if I say yes . Yes looked like the easiest thing to do , so off we went to the dance floor . I have no clue what song is being played , but it was fast and hot and we danced like crazy . We made it thru the first song and stayed on the dance floor . The next song fires up and we begin dancing again . The Peppermint Lounge in Pampa was named after the original Peppermint Lounge that opened in 1958 in Manhattan , New York . As the Twist craze hit in 1960 - 1961 , celebrities swarmed into the Peppermint Lounge : Jackie Kennedy , Audrey Hepburn , Truman Capote , Marilyn Monroe , Judy Garland , Liberace , Noel Coward , Frank Sinatra , Norman Mailer , Annette Funicello , even the elusive Greta Garbo , to dance to the house band Joey Dee and the Starliters . Jackie Kennedy was such an enthusiast that she arranged for a temporary ' Peppermint Lounge ' in the White House . But before this song gets too far , I noticed what looked like a whirling mass of legs , arms and bodies in the middle of the dance floor ! At first , I can not quite figure out what is going on . Holy cow , those two dudes are fighting . People start giving them room . It was also getting serious because I thought I saw a knife in one of their hands . This is not good and I headed back to the table and everyone , including my buddies , are beginning to charge toward the door . Someone said the cops are on their way and we got to get out of here . I knew there was one black cop that patrolled the Flats so there had to be one very close by . Lanny and I hit the door at about the same time . We got about five steps past the door and I looked up the street and sure enough , there was a car coming with red lights a - blazing ! We would probably run right in front of it if we continued . I grabbed Lanny 's arm and we made a sharp right turn into the vacant lot next door with weeds at least as tall as our shoulders . We got in the weeds and crouched down and made it to a large tree in the middle of the lot . Between the weeds and the tree , we could not be seen out there ( plus it was dark ) ! The car stopped and one black cop ran into the Peppermint . We are watching intently as a second car pulls up , this time with two white cops . In what seemed like 30 minutes but probably was closer to 5 , out come all three cops with two handcuffed guys in tow and put them in the cars . They milled around for a few minutes and then drive away . We decide to wait a few minutes to be sure they are good and gone . About the time we are about to leave , a couple comes out of the club and they are obviously not happy with each other . He has a hold of her right arm above the elbow and is half dragging her towards the car . She is a long , tall person in a very shapely dress and high heals . He is a handsome man in a very nice tan stripe suit . Lanny and I hold our position to see what is going to happen . They are heading for a car right in front of us and only about 30 yards away . We see and hear everything as it unfolds . " Don 't you ever do that shit again around me ! " , she exclaims in a very self righteous voice that only black women can do as he shoves her toward the passenger door . He shoots back , " Don 't you talk to me that way , woman . I will talk to anybody I want to , any time I want to , without asking your permission ! " She rips open the car door and wheels around , standing in the opened door , with one arm over the top of the door , and screams at him just three feet away : " I will say any damn thing I want to , any time I want to ! " With that he draws back and hits her right between the breasts , really hard . So hard in fact it sounded like the thump of a bat hitting a softball . She is knocked backwards and the open door catches her or else she would probably have been on her back on the ground . With her left arm still over the top of the door to hold herself up , her knees buckled and I thought she was going down . But she kind of bent over with her knees still bent and came up like a coiled spring unwinding with an upper cut that hit him as square on the chin as you could hit someone ! I mean he was tagged . We saw the bottom of his shoes as he flew backwards and hit the ground flat on his back . Lanny and I simultaneously said , " Shiiittt ! " We were standing there with our mouths agape . He slowly gathers himself up , rolls over onto his knees and manages to get upright . She is still hanging there with her arm across the door . " Git in the damn car , woman , and let 's go ! I am tired of messing with you . " She slowly turns around and gets in the car . He grabs the door and slams it shut . He walks around the car mumbling something we could not hear , gets in and tears out of the lot and onto the street . We are standing there with our mouths open . I turned to Lanny and said , " Buddy , that is the toughest woman I have ever seen in my life ! The shot he gave her would have killed me ! " " Yeah , and then she had the strength to hit him with a punch that literally knocked him off his feet ! Wow , what a pair ! Hey , lets get ouTime to Scatter So we ran out of the lot and across the street but as we came to that same pickup that was parked there when we went in , the man in the back raised up and said , " Hey , them cops came out here and asked me which way them white boys went , and I told them I don 't know cause I 've been passed out here since before they came . I think it might be a good idea for you guys to scatter ! " With that Lanny had the doors unlocked and we jumped in . He backed up onto the street and let her rip . There were two black stripes and a cloud of smoke in our path . Too bad there was no little teenage girl standing on the porch who would be impressed ! Pampa High School 1968 Prom NOT ! ( a guest blog by David Schaub ) Posted on March 30 , 2010 by Marvin David Webster Editors Note : The last four weeks have been an incredible experience for me . I am sure some of you have noticed my unusual absence . I apologize for my unexplained disappearance . The explanation will soon be forth coming . I have been on a journey of over 17 , 000 miles physically . Spiritually I traveled to heaven and back . A part of me refused to return . I have many things to write about so the pages left empty during my absence will not remain empty . Shortly before I left I received this story from David Schaub , a fellow classmate from Pampa High School . I also consider David a good friend . He emailed it to me wanting to know what I thought . My stories from the other side of the world may seem mundane after this . Get out your H & H dressing and slick back the hair . Slide a pack of Winston 's up the left sleeve of the tee shirt . This is the Pampa , Texas version of " Grease " and Hollywood could not have scripted this . The Junior - Senior Prom had been a time honored event at dear old Pampa High School for years and years . Of course , everyone knew that this was for the girls to show off their dresses and lord knows there was only a few times a girl growing up in Pampa , Texas would be able to wear an evening gown . Except for those who belonged to the high school sororities which had a " formal " every year , most girls would be limited to the Prom and getting married to wear that special dress . So it was kind of a big deal to most of the girls . Personally , I didn 't see much use in the thing . I was not going with anyone at the time who would force me to go . Being a senior and never going to it before , I thought it would not be anything that I would really miss . So , I figured that a bunch of us guys would just hang out at Caldwell 's Drive Inn and maybe get some beer or something . Well , I was wrong . What I did not count on was that girls can be crafty and sly too . I was known to be buddies with several jjunior class gals that frequented Caldwell 's . They included Jeanie Hunter , Donna Cameron , Marilyn Gregory and Chris Reed . About a week before the Prom , we were in one of their cars at Caldwell 's and just talking when one of the girls asked me if I was going to the Prom . I said " Hell no . That 's not something I would do . " I mentioned that I might just go to Liberal , Kansas instead . Liberal was just 105 miles away , across two state lines , but it was just as its name implied - very liberal . And that included the fact that you get served alcohol at 18 years old ! I had been 18 since November and I had ventured there with a couple of buddies twice before . The ladies had gotten the story out of me as to the clubs we went to and what it was like on at least one or two occasions . They all wanted to go ! The big drawback however was the fact that it took about an hour and a half to get there and it also took an hour and a half to get back . Three hours really cut down on the club time when their parents wanted them home by 11 pm or at the absolute latest , midnight ! I obeyed and crawled into the back seat of the car . Immediately , I was informed by all three that , " We 're going to Liberal ! " I said " Wait just a minute , it 's too late to go tonight ! " That 's when I was told it would be next weekend and I would have 2 dates for the Prom ! I thought - Oh my , what have I got into ? But what the heck , I had little to lose or at least I didn 't think I did ! Then they explained to me how this would work and why it would work . First , Chris could not go because she was supposed to be engaged to this college dude and her parents would not let her out of the house . Marilyn 's parents were going to be out of town that weekend ! Aha , the old parents out of town trick . She had arranged to spend the night at Donna 's or at least that is what her parents thought , so she did not have to go with them ! Donna and Jeanie had already arranged to stay at Marilyn 's house . As deep cover for the whole operation , I would have a Prom date with Donna and Jeanie so their parents would really not suspect anything . It gave me an opportunity to pick everyone up because none of them had cars . I would pick up Donna at 7 : 15pm and then take her to Marilyn 's and then pick up Jeanie at 7 : 45pm and go over to Marilyn 's where everyone would change clothes . We then would be able to head to Liberal . Well , the next week at school went very fast and everything was beginning to fall into place for the Prom . I told my parents I had a Prom date and that it would be late when I got in because there was always a " breakfast " afterward . I said it might be 2 : 00am or after . They didn 't even blink an eye and I thought , holy cow , this could work ! ! They asked me who I had a date with and I told them Jeanie since they knew her Mother ! This was getting good ! On Friday I heard from my cousin , Shirley Williams , who had been living and going to school in Amarillo . We were both seniors and she was out for spring break and was home to visit her mother and sister . She was bored and called to see if we could go out Friday night . I said sure and went over and picked her up . After we got away from her house and her neat Mom , I told her what was going to happen on Saturday night . She wanted to go . She said her mother gave her lots of freedom and it would be no problem to be out that late . I said we will see how the other the other ladies feel . We all got together in my car at Caldwell 's . Everyone knew Shirley from many years of going to school in Pampa . They agreed she could go and we went over the plan . Everything was in great shape . Marilyn 's parents were already gone so the clock was already in motion . We all headed home and I dropped Shirley off and said I would pick her up last , sometime before 8 pm on Saturday night . Saturday rolled around and I went to work that morning . I worked in the parts department of Culberson - Stowers Chevrolet , where my dad worked ! I decided to tell my cohort , Benny Lash , but threatened to make it a painful death if he spilled the beans . Thankfully , he did not . We only worked until noon but it was a really long day . I did not hear from any of the girls that afternoon so I assumed everything was OK . They said they would call if anything went wrong . I got dressed in my Pampa Texas evening clothes - White coat , tuxedo shirt with black studs , red cumber bun , red bow tie , and black pants . Earlier that afternoon , I had put my clubbing clothes in the trunk of the car . I said goodbye to the folks and drove over to Donna 's house . On the way other there , it finally hit me … " What the hell are you doing ? Donna 's dad is the Pastor of The First Baptist Church ! He was a college football player ! If this goes wrong , you are dead meat ! " I pulled into the circular drive and got out and went to the door . I almost did not ring the doorbell . Donna met me at the door and I said let 's go and she said , " Oh , we can 't go yet , Mother wants to take some pictures ! ! ! " Are you kidding me ! I 'm cooked ! Fortunately , dad was not home nor her brother Bob who was my age ! She even bought a corsage for me to pin on her ! This was getting out of hand . About 6 pictures later and we finally are out the door ! It was like we had gotten married . . . open the door and get her in the car . . . wave to Mom and sister as we leave . . . AAAHHHHHH ! ! I started breathing after we got about a quarter of a mile down Duncan Street ! I chewed on Donna for the pictures and the corsage - Nobody said there would be PICTURES AND A CORSAGE ! ! But she calmed me down and my heart stopped trying to come out of my chest ! We made it to Marilyn 's in a flash . I dumped out Donna . . . and her coursage . . . and headed for Jeanie 's . I was slightly behind schedule , but close . I got out of the car at Jeanie 's and the front door opened ! I got up to the door and Jeanie said let 's go . Wow , no pictures ! I knew her Mom and she came to the door and gave me a hug . Off we go . In the car , I told her what happened at Donna 's . She thought it was funny ! My blood pressure was still high but I was past the bad stuff . Shirley 's mother lived just around the corner from Jeanie and we were there in no time . I pulled in the driveway and Shirley ran out and jumped in the car . A wave to her mother and we are gone . It took only about 5 minutes to get to Marilyn 's house . Jeanie had on a nice formal and like Donna had brought a little bag because I was dropping her off at Marilyn 's after the Prom . Actually , I guess , that part was exactly right . We arrived , jumped out and I got my clothes and ran in . We were changed in no more than 2 minutes . Back in the car and off we go . Hit the Perryton highway and it 's almost a straight shot directly to Liberal . The roads up there are very straight since there is very little reason to add curves . To get to Liberal , you really only go thru one town , Perryton , Texas . It is about 2 - 3 miles from the Perryton city limits to the Oklahoma border . You then enter the Oklahoma panhandle and pass through Beaver County , Oklahoma . The Oklahoma panhandle is only 35 miles across so it does not take long to cross . Liberal is a couple of miles across the Oklahoma - Kansas border . This will all become important on the way home ! There were a couple of clubs the young adults frequented . They were both named the Tiki Club , Tiki East and Tiki West . I liked the Tiki East and so did most of my friends . We headed for it . I had never seen anyone carded in the clubs but I decided I better ask . In the parking lot , I asked the girls " Who is not already 18 ? " Shirley and I plus Jeanie were already 18 , Marilyn was 17 and holy cow , Donna was 16 ! ! " Are you kidding me ! " I told her . " Stay close to us and don 't go get a drink or beer . Have one of us do it . " We walk into the club and wow , the music is loud and good , the club is about 2 / 3 full and I can 't believe it ! There are 3 or 4 of my older buddies from the Class of 67 ! They come over and want to know what I 'm doing with 4 girls ! ! The buddies consist of Billy Scribner , Teddy Bird , and several others I can 't remember . There were a a couple guys I did not know . They are home from college on spring break and decided to come to Liberal to party ! What a deal . They snatch up the girls and away we go . We set up a large table and that is base of operations for the evening . We had a time ! I danced with darn near every girl in the place and I had way too much to drink ! The fun never stopped all the time we were there . The music was a Rock - Ola and it played non stop with all of our favorites . We had a blast . I noticed that Donna was clinging to me and I got her almost every drink she had . The girls didn 't drink that much but they had fun . About midnight , I was pretty lit and really hungry . I asked the gals if they wanted to get something to eat ! Shirley and some dude I had never seen before said yeah . Donna grabbed me and said she did too . I told the other two girls to be at the Flying A Service Station at 12 : 30am ! No later . They all had hooked up with guys who said they would deliver them . The Close Call Off we go to find an all night cafe . I am still a little woozy as we are driving down the road and come to a railroad track that cuts across the main highway . I don 't even look . Fortunately , the food really helped and we all sobered upl . So we headed out to the Flying A Service Station . I decide I needed a six pack for the road and ran into a 7 - 11 . We arrive at the service station at about 12 : 20am . Jeanie and one of the Pampa dudes soon show up . We are waiting for Marilyn and her guy . We wait and we wait . Finally at about 12 : 45am they show ! Everyone jumps in the car and away we go for the border . Within 15 minutes everyone but me is either asleep or about to be . Donna is next to me in the front . Marilyn is shotgun . In the backseat is Jeanie and a lump in the corner is Shirley . I cruise toward Texas doing about 75 mph on the Oklahoma blacktop . I need to make up a little time lost waiting for Marilyn . I am approaching a curve within 3 or 4 miles of the Texas state line when I look in my rear view mirror and see flashing red lights in the distance . Yikes . I start thinking and realize it is after 1 : 00am , I am drunk , I have beer in the car , a 17 year old girl in the car and a 16 year old girl in the car and I have crossed two state lines with them . Somehow I rationalize that I am already in so much trouble that a little more troubl isn 't that much more trouble than I am already in . I elbow Donna and ask her to look back and see if she sees what I do . Yep , looks like red lights in the far distance to her . I floor it . We have to beat this Oklahoma Highway Patrolman to the Texas border . Now my old ' 60 Chevy would run pretty good but I knew it could not outrun a patrol car . However , I had at least a mile distance on him , he had started off I think on a dirt road which overlooked the highway , and I was not sure he could catch me before I hit the border or not . I also knew I had to get into Perryton to lose him because of the hot pursuit laws so it was going to be close . I had to cover 4 to six miles before he could cover six to eight . For whatever reason I don 't understand , I did outrun him . We finally come to the Perryton city limits and I jammed the brakes and made an extremely fast right hand turn into a neighborhood . I kept taking a right then a left until I was pretty sure he could not follow me . In any event , he had lost his line of sight and I felt pretty sure I had won . Needless to say , I was stone cold sober by now and everyone in the car was as well . We still had 65 miles to go and I was low on fuel . I went back to the highway and pulled into the only all night station . I needed to add about 3 or 4 dollars worth of fuel to get home . After all , gasoline was only 29 . 9 cents per gallon then ! I walked into the service station and put $ 3 on the counter and this dude says , " Hey , did you just come from Oklahoma ? " I said yeah and the attendant said , " Man , there was one really mad Oklahoma Highway Patrolman in here a minute ago looking for a car like yours ! " I asked him which way he went and he said back toward Oklahoma . I ran out and pumped $ 3 of gas as fast as I could and jumped in and got the heck out of there . We never saw another cop on the way home . I was as nervous as a June bug in a hen house ! The Stranger " All right . I can drop you off there " , I replied as he slides back onto the floor . Now I am worried . I got all these girls to get home , I have this dude to drop off at Teddy 's house and I don 't even know where that is ! And I have to get home and sneak in because it is already 2 : 00am and I am late ! About 2 : 30am I dropped off three of the girls at Marilyn 's house . I ran Shirley to her house and it becomes very evident from the good night kiss that she is the one that found Ripley in Liberal . This guy knows exactly where Teddy 's house is and guides me right to it . The house is dark . I said good luck and never looked back after he got out . I have to use my best stealth approach to get into my house and to my room without waking anyone . I turn off the key before I hit the driveway and coast . I don 't even shut the door on the car . I just push it until the light goes out . I go to the front door and YES , it is unlocked . I turn the knob and ease open the door and go in . I go past my parent 's bedroom and I hear my father snoring . I have just about made it when my mother says , " David , is that you ? What time is it ? " My dad is still snoring ! ! I have made it . I go to my room and suddenly realize I left all the Prom clothes in the trunk . Oh , well , I thought . I will get them tomorrow and sneak them in . I wake up about noon on Sunday . Just in time for dinner . My Mom wants to know if I had a good time . I reply that I did . No mention of the time I got in or anything . But , I am still not out of the woods . If the girls did not get caught or anything , then we are all home free . That afternoon , I decided to go out for a while . There is no one down at Caldwell 's . I run the drag and no one is out . I come by the Pizza Hut and see Teddy Bird 's T - bird . I go in and there are the remnants of the gang we ran into in Liberal the night before . Even Ripley 's with them . But they had a tail of woe on getting home also . I told them of our adventure with the Oklahoma Highway Patrol and then they told me what happened to them . One of the two cars they were in took off and headed for Pampa and got turned around in Perryton and got on the wrong highway and ended up in Oklahoma and finally found a familiar road and made it to Pampa about 5am . They went to Teddy 's house and found Ripley asleep on the porch and almost frozen to death . Teddy 's parents were not home this weekend and they all came in to party over spring break but Teddy and Billy had not shown up yet with the key . Apparently , Teddy and Billy had gotten lost coming out of Liberal and headed west instead of south . They ended up in Colorado with almost no gas , no cash and one credit card between them . They finally found a service station that was open but it would not take their credit card . They had to wait for a station to open that would take the card . It was 3 : 30am and the station opened at 5 : 30am . They finally got gas and headed for Texas . At about 8am , they were stopped by a Texas Highway Patrolman between Dalhart and Amarillo and given a ticket for doing 85 mph . Fortunately , the booze had all worn off by then and he did not check the trunk . About 10 : 30am , they arrived in Pampa to find the rest of their party asleep in their car in the driveway at Teddy 's house . They were at the Pizza Hut having pizza for breakfast because no one could cook ! The girls had fooled their parents , I had gotten by with doing something really stupid without going to jail , and we had one Hell of a Prom night ! I bet it would not have been that exciting if we had actually gone to the Prom ! I wonder if Donna still has those pictures . There are a lot of memories in that corsage . The next year , I went to Texas Tech in Lubbock and Jeanie was going to school there . She had managed to find Jim Ripley . We laughed about the Liberal trip and everything that happened . He turned out to be the dude with cousin Shirley in my car when we were almost hit by the train . We partied together for a couple of years . Later , my future wife introduced him to his future wife . He actually was going to Tech while he was an air traffic controller for the Air Force at Reese AFB . We used to go to the NCO club on the base , … . but that 's another story . I have since lost track of him completely but I think I will try to find him someday . It was the second day of May 1970 . We were parked at Caldwell 's and Phillip was in the back seat spreading his smile and charisma through the car where LaWanda Frost , and me ( and maybe Susan Smith . . . I can 't remember ) were all talking about LaWanda and me getting married the next night . Phillip was my best man . All of us were members of the PHS Class of 1969 and we had been laughing and having a great time remembering the days at PHS while Phillip and I had revealed a few tales from the Navy , but we kept most of our tales to ourselves because they weren 't really sharable ( as you now know ) . LaWanda and I had only been dating two weeks and Phillip couldn 't believe I was getting married . Earlier that day in private he had confronted me " Webster , what is wrong with you ? You have no business getting married . " I finally said , " Phillip , It 's like this . I finally found the promised land . . . and so did she . We found it together , and I am not leaving here without her . He looked at me and had the biggest grin I think I ever saw him smile and said ( you guessed it ) . . . Phillip moved his head from side to side and said , " Oh , man . I can 't get married . I 've got too much living to do . " Four weeks later he was killed in a tragic automobile accident on Pampa High School graduation night 1970 . Phillip was picked up by some graduates as he was standing in front of the Capri Theater . Two blocks later the car hit a dip and crashed into a tree at Pampa 's Central Park . Phillip died at the scene . The morning after Phillip 's death my parents did not want to call and tell me on the phone . They were on their way to Dimmit to tell me in person and were only about 15 miles away when I pulled some news copy off the radio wire to prepare for the noon news . In front of me were the details of Phillip 's death , delivered by the Associated Press , not my parents . In many ways I think I preferred it this way . I delivered the news . I did not include the story of Phillip 's death . There are some limits where you just don 't test yourself . I felt I could hold my composure and deliver the newscast , but not that story . Paul had a son named Justin who was the spitting image of Phillip . He was the same age of my now deceased daughter and when they were both 17 my daughter was living with me and for a time they went together . She moved back to Aledo to be with LaWanda before her senior year . In the 1990 's I became close to Twyla , Phillip and Paul 's mother . She would come by my office in downtown Pampa and sometimes sit and talk for 30 minutes or more . She had endured a lot of tragedy and Owen , her husband , was failing in health and she worried a lot about the future . She came to me to talk . I listened . Twyla , had raised Paul , Phillip , Pam , and then Justin . Paul and Justin were in constant trouble . She had buried two sons and worried she would have to bury Justin or watch him go to prison . The idea of either brought her to tears and she was almost out of those . Before Twyla passed away she told me Justin had straightened out and become a good young man and she was really proud of him If Phillip Long had lived and made the most out of the gifts he was given he could have been anything he wanted to be . He could have achieved anything he wanted to achieve . To use the word Buzzy Green recently used , Phillip Long had a magical quality about him that would have opened doors the rest of us would have had to open for ourselves . The pathway for Phillip 's future success was to give the US government four years of active service and then get a higher education Owen and Twyla could not give him . I am on the air when I got a call for " David Webster " . Since I used an air name " Robert Day " I knew the call had to be personal . I put on a record and said " Hello " . " David Webster . Johnny Dark , K - O - M - A I have your air check . I like your sound . I 'll pay you $ 125 a week . Can you be here tonight ? " " What do you think , Phillip ? " I reached out to his spirit . " You were there . Should I have just walked out of here and headed for Oklahoma City ? " On the day of the proceeding I put on my blue uniform and polished my shoes . Phillip walked with me to the end of the dormitory hall and we stood at the door and talked for a few minutes . I turned and started walking to the location where the captain 's mast was being held . . . a full court gymnasium which struck me as an odd place for the mast to be held , but it was only a short walk , about three blocks , from the dormitory so I was grateful it was nearby and not a mile or more away . I walked inside a few minutes early and the gymnasium was empty except for three officers making conversation behind two 4 X 8 tables set end to end on the far side of the gym . I walked over to them , saluted , was put at ease and told to have a seat in a single folding chair facing the tables about ten feet out . A fourth officer soon enters to join the other three . They continue to make conversation between themselves and shuffle some papers between them for another 5 minutes or so when one of the officers orders me to stand . He then asks me if I knew what a captain 's mast was and I explained " kind of " and he said something about it being a non - judiciary investigation and that as long as I answered all questions truthfully I probably had nothing to worry about . He then explained the scope of authority to me and it was actually less than I thought . Each of the officers had a copy of the medical records from the day I befriended the black cat and had the slight allergy attack . The reports showed I was wheezing and the diagnosis was not listed on the medical records as allergy . It had been clearly marked asthma and it had also been noted I had told them I had some problems with asthma as a child . The officer in charge presses a little harder to get me to say something , but I continue my silence . The entire setting has been designed to intimidate . The extra large building , the solitary folding chair in front of four officers seated in a row . It had certainly intimidated me and I had no intention of talking about anything for fear I would be incriminating myself . I didn 't see the captain 's mast sending me to jail from not reporting asthma as a child on my enlistment forms . Then the other officers began asking the same questions . Finally I made a statement . " First , because I had a recruiter telling me to sign here and not worry about a thing " I said " and also because I just didn 't think about it . " I was counting on the fact they had nothing more than the records from NTC . I doubted they had researched my medical records from Pampa that might show indications of asthma at older ages . It was only after I had already signed the papers I realized I was getting ready to leave Phillip out here by himself with 3 . 5 years of active duty ( and two years of reserve ) to face alone . There would be no more buddies . The final abandonment was now certain and only days away . I was dismissed and started the walk back to the dormitory . I dreaded telling Phillip I was going home . I respected Phillip as a leader in high school , as an athlete , as a lady charmer and all the things he was , and for all the potential he had , but I had gotten to know him really well and inside I could almost guarantee at that moment . . . Phillip would never finish radio school . Two months later on Pampa High School graduation night 1970 Phillip had just gotten into the front passenger seat of an automobile with some 1970 graduates . Two blocks later the car hit a bump and went airborne striking a tree . Phillip was killed instantly . Perhaps it was because he was in such great physical condition , but Philip began recovering quickly and within a couple of days he is watching television at the dormitory while I am off to wax and buff floors . He razzes me about that in a " Phillip Long " kind of way that even makes me laugh . I am just glad he is getting up and around . The one thing that isn 't recovering is his spirit about the Navy . When we went in Phillip 's attitude was a 10 . When we were first called " maggots " I think it dropped to about an 8 where it stayed throughout basic . Now it was down to no more than a 7 and while mine wasn 't a whole lot higher , I dared not show it because I knew if I did his would plummet . I felt if we could just get through this school and headed to sea it would be " Anchors Away " and all would be well , but the stress of sitting at a manual typewriter with a set of headphones plugged into a socket porting Morse code into your ears for eight hours a day is enough to depress anyone after four weeks . This setback meant Phillip would be looking at least one more week of copying code before testing and maybe two . I am hoping he can get it done in one for purely selfish reasons . I am sick of buffing floors and want to move on to the more advanced textbook training . Phillip had taken almost his entire check with him to Mexico so we were also facing a month of extreme financial hardship and that didn 't help his attitude either . He refused to call Owen or Twyla , his parents , because they were already under a great burden dealing with problems back home with Paul , his brother , and it didn 't matter if he was on his death - bed he would not ask them for help . I was not so proud . I got on the phone and called my Mom . I told her pretty much the truth about what had happened except my story was closer to what I had told the school commanding office . She would have been worried sick if I had told her we had been in Mexico . Within a few days $ 100 arrives . Combined with the $ 40 I still had Phillip and me could make it the rest of the month . He was grateful . Not one time did he ever blame me for leaving him . We actually argued one time about it being the other way around . He said it was his fault for not leaving when I wanted to . I said I shouldn 't have left . We ended up laughing . We took some of the money that had just come in and went off base for Thanksgiving . He really didn 't want to . They would have a great meal on base for free , but I wanted to get him away from anything " Navy " for a few hours . It had nothing to do with food . It had to do with trying to help his spirit heal . Maybe getting away from anything military for an afternoon would be good for him and by Thanksgiving day Phillip had recovered to the point the only way you would know he had been seriously injured a week and a half before were the blue bruises that remained on parts of his face , but he was walking without pain and otherwise seemed fine . I talked him into leaving the base . He wanted to know where we were going . I asked him if he was paying . He said he couldn 't ( which I knew ) and I said " Then just enjoy . It 's on me . " We got in the taxi . I told the driver " Sea World . " Instead of boring old turkey and dressing with giblet gravy and cranberry sauce at the base we had a much better Thanksgiving feast . . . hot dogs with mustard and relish while watching the killer whale and dolphins perform . It was a great afternoon and it served it 's purpose . Phillip never had a clue what was going on in my mind , but I saw his attitude improve a little and any improvement at all was vital at this critical point in our careers . That night as Thanksgiving day came to an end I realized Phillip and I were starting to love each other more and more . I guess that is what buddies do . I was thankful we had each other . I know he was too . I talked Phillip into making a voluntary appearance at school roll call the following morning even though he wasn 't scheduled for his next appearance until Monday . My logic was that if he went in Friday it would look good to the school commander . He also might be able to request a " mulligan " opportunity to take the test on Tuesday and if he happened to pass I would be able to " stop buffing floors . " He nearly rolled in the floor when I said that and every laugh I got out of him about anything Navy was golden at this point . He worked all day Friday and all day Monday copying code at 30 words per minute in practice , but when Tuesday came he had too many errors and failed . He came close which gave us both confidence he would pass the following week . He was as discouraged about having to listen to code and type for another week as I was . . . knowing I was going to spend another week buffing floors , but the end was in sight and we would soon be getting down to textbook study where we could work better together in the dorm . Later that week as I was taking a smoke break ( a habit I had picked up since joining the Navy ) I am sitting on a bench outside one of the buildings M Division ( M stands for maintenance ) had assigned me to when a beautiful long - haired black cat comes up to me and starts purring and rubbing up against my leg . Stray animals were very uncommon on NTC so I knew this animal belonged to someone . . . probably someone important . I soon made a friend and we spent about 15 minutes enjoying each others company before I had to say goodbye and get back to work . I made it over to the infirmary and after about a thirty minute wait they ask me a lot of questions that almost had me wishing I hadn 't gone in . I didn 't know it was going to take 12 pages of paperwork to get two allergy pills . They listened to my chest and told me I had some wheezing and asked if I had ever had asthma . I told them when I was really young I was supposed to have had , but I didn 't really remember it . There actually had been a couple of episodes later on in life , but after what I had just been through with the paperwork I just wanted to get out of there and didn 't bring it up . They gave me the medication I wanted and an inhaler and I was released to go back to work . I told Phillip about the black cat and how I would have to be on a gurney before I ever went to sick call again . He said he would have to remember that . I reminded him he was on a gurney the last time he went to the base medical facility . He laughed . That 's what I wanted . The following week he passes his test . I still have to report to M Division Wednesday because someone is slow in getting my transfer processed , but by Thursday I am ready to start technical training . Phillip seems in much better spirits . Getting the code portion of the school behind him was a major accomplishment . There had been a time I don 't think he believed he would ever be able to do it . We go downtown that weekend and Phillip is considering getting his first tattoo . We are looking at the designs in the window and he picks out one of a Navy anchor . Above the anchor it says U . S . N . and then below it says " Never Again " Christmas is now only two and a half weeks away . I feel like things are going better than they ever have since we came in . Nothing is going to stop us now . I have been ordered to appear under the authority of Article 15 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice in dress uniform for a Captain 's Mast to take place on approximately the 15th of Dec . ( The paper did not say to be there approximately . I just don 't remember the exact date ) I am then informed that until the outcome of my Captain 's Mast is known I am being temporarily suspended from school and reassigned to M Division . Think of a Captain 's Mast as the military equivalent of a Grand Jury with the power to sentence . They can either elevate a charge to a Court Marshall or sentence up to certain level 's themselves without elevating to a Court Marshall . It is normally presided over by the commanding officer of a ship or base and in the case of NTC that would be a Rear Admiral . I sleep with one ear listening for Phillip to come through the door at any time . Saturday morning comes and not a word . With every passing hour I am more and more concerned . There is not a word the entire day on Saturday and other than going for meals I had not left the room . I went to bed Saturday night nearly out of my mind between worry for Phillip and fear of the court martial coming if his body is found in Mexico somewhere . I just keep asking myself how I allowed myself to let this happen and keep remembering that bus ride back from the submarine base and my little temper outburst that was at the bottom of all this . I awoke Sunday morning and I guess I thought it was time to try and make a deal with God . I had not been to church since I had left Pampa , Tx where I had apparently left a lot of the values I was brought up with and now with Thanksgiving only 12 days away I decided to make my way about a block down to a little Episcopal chapel on base and try a little prayer . I even put a token in the offering plate . That is about all it was . . . a token . I left the church and went to eat and returned to the dormitory to find Phillip laying on his bed and moaning in severe pain . I had never been so glad to see someone hurting in my life . He was at least alive . I went and got some warm towels and tried to be a nurse the best I could , but I wasn 't really sure what to do . He was covered with dirt and grime and some blood although he wasn 't bleeding from any noticeable deep lacerations . . . just badly bruised . His face looked like it had been pounded on and both eyes were nearly swollen shut . One of our roommates comes through the door and was an eagle scout back home . He knew a little more about first aid than me . He thinks Phillip should be taken to the base clinic for emergency treatment , but he knew where we had been and how if we did that there was going to be a lot of explaining to do . Finally we all agreed to just keep a close watch on him overnight . I started working on a plan to talk our way out of what was going to be a really big mess . I didn 't see Phillip returning to school for at least a week or more and he had a major test coming up Tuesday that our Naval careers depended on . Plus , just the fact he wasn 't going to make muster in the morning was not going to be explainable . Overnight the plan came together . I wasn 't sure if we could pull it off , but we had no choice but to try . At 7 : 00 AM I was at morning roll call at the advanced training school . When they called " Long " I reported he was very ill . When we were dismissed I requested a meeting with the school 's commanding officer to not only explain Phillip 's illness and absence , but discuss an extension on the test the next day . I had to wait about 15 minutes , but the meeting was granted . I had never even seen the school commanding officer so I had no idea what to expect . For some reason the only benchmark of any type of authority figure I could come up with was RDC King . When I entered he wasn 't nearly as hard as King . . . at least the word maggot was never used and I had made up what I was hoping would be a believable story . I told him Phillip and I had gone downtown and gotten separated and when I arrived at the bus stop to return I thought he was ahead of me so I caught the next bus . He was actually behind me and when he arrived at the bus stop got into a conversation with a group of Marines and that one of the Marines made an insulting remark about the Navy and that Phillip made one back and before he knew it that had beat the crap out of him and now he was in our dormitory needing medical attention . I explained he had a very important test the next day which I didn 't see how he could take and how we were in on the buddy plan and looking forward to serving together . I expected little empathy from him , but instead of being a jerk like King would have been he asked me a few questions about Phillip 's condition and next thing I know he is on the phone ordering medical division to send some corpsmen over to our dormitory to evaluate Phillip , provide treatment and report back to him . He agrees to extend the deadline for the test until a date to be determined after he has received the report . He tells me I can be dismissed from class that morning to return to the dorm and assist . As I am getting ready to turn and leave as soon as he tells me I am dismissed , he looked me in the eye and said , I get the impression this may be a test to see if he can get a clue to help him see if I am making this story up . I do not say anything . I figure it is better to remain silent and be thought a liar , than to open my mouth and remove any doubt . I was dismissed . When I get back to the dormitory the corpsmen have already arrived and were treating Phillip . One of them suddenly suggests to the other he thinks Phillip should be taken to Balboa , which is a Naval hospital . I am not exactly sure where it is , but I am guessing 10 or 15 miles away and that would be devastating . If we are separated it will be practically impossible to coordinate our story and after the lie I had just told the radio school commanding officer a court martial is on the horizon unless we make this work . Fortunately , the other corpsman thinks Phillip should be x - rayed at NTC for broken bones and hemoraging of the brain but unless they find something doesn 't believe he should be transported to Balboa . The school commanding officer gave a two week extention on Phillip 's test and said he would consider an additional extention if it was needed . In order for my training schedule to not get any further ahead of Phillip 's he assigned me temporarily to M - division where I spent the next 2 weeks mopping floors and buffing them with an electric buffer because he wasn 't going to have me sitting on my " duffus " while I waited for Phillip to get back on his feet . I guess every crime gets punished one way or the other . Meanwhile , Phillip relates the story of how he had left the cantina about an hour after I had and looked for me about an hour . When he didn 't find me he decided I must have gone back to NTC without him and started walking back toward the border alone . For some reason he decided to take a " short cut " and followed some railroad tracks where he was jumped by a gang who took his money and the thing he was most upset about . . . a watch that once belonged to his grandfather . He had laid by those railroad tracks from Friday night until Sunday morning , although he never really comprehended the time . Fortunately his wallet and military ID were nearby , but he was penniless . Some workers had gotten him to the border and a trucker brought him from the border to NTC where a civilian who worked on base had brought him from the front gate to the dormitory and helped him to the room while I was in church on Sunday morning . We now knew why Mexico was off limits to US military . It wasn 't about enforcing rules and regulations . It was simply a matter of protecting us and trying to keep us from getting hurt or killed . I promised myself I would never make Phillip feel guilty again just because he was a ladies man . The only reason we went down there in the first place was Phillip trying to do me a favor . Thanksgiving was only a few days away and I was truly thankful this had ended as it had . Phillip was going to recover . We both had avoided a court martial . Phillip 's test date had been put off and we were still buddies . What more could I ask ? |
The Love Story Continues . . . The next fall I began planning my voice recital . It would be a kind of final exam for my private voice classes . I knew I wanted him to be there . I had to sing for him . I had to sing to him . I made a point to give him an invitation , and I hoped that he would show up . The night of my recital I was very nervous . I wasn 't as nervous about the performance as I was about him being there . I kept peeking out into the auditorium to see if he was there . Finally , it was time for me to come out . I remember that I walked out and saw him sitting in the back . My heart did a little flip - flop , but I tried to keep my composure . That night I sang my heart out . I put everything I had into singing . Every song was for him . One in particular was dedicated completely to him . The song was a German piece , and its translation reads something like this : You my soul , you my heartYou my joy , oh you my painYou my world in which I liveMy Heaven you , in which I floatO you my grave in which into I eternally my grief giveYou are the rest , you are the peaceYou are from Heaven to me grantedThat you love me makes me worthy to myselfYour glance has me transfigured before myselfYou raise me lovingly above myselfMy good spirit , my better selfWhen the recital was over , I made my way to where he was . I spoke to only one other person before him . He gave me a hug , and told me that he enjoyed the performance . I was just happy that he had been there . When he turned to leave , I began to walk away as well , but then turned back to look at him . He turned back to look at me too . In that little " moment " I decided that it was time to make a move . I didn 't know what I would say or do . I just knew that it was time to do something . I had to let him know how I felt . Posted by I thought I would take a break from the telling of my love story to write about my little sister . I was an only child for quite a few years before my sister came along . I was very lonely , and decided that I would pray to God to send me a sister to play with . I didn 't know that my parents had been trying for some time to have another baby . I believe God hears the innocent prayers of children . He heard mine , and before too long I had my little sister . She was a little bitty thing . She still is . When she started school , my parents had to lift her up onto the school bus steps . Despite some initial jealousy , I loved my little sis and she and I became great playmates . Our favorite pastime was playing with Barbie dolls . We didn 't just play the usual " Barbie 's getting dressed to go on a date with Ken " scenerio . We had intricate plot lines and complex characters . Barbie had many adventures , and was a victim of numerous disasters . She survived a flash flood , an earthquake , a couple of tornadoes , as well as a few wars . Barbie got married and divorced more times than I can count , and had more kids than the old lady who lived in the shoe . Our cast of characters included Barbie as a suburban housewife , as well as Barbie the undercover spy supermodel . All of our dolls had names . No one was just called Barbie . We had Lynne , and Teresa , Christy and Misty ( twins , ) Lori , and more that I can 't remember . Kens had diferent names as well . We had a young Ken named Kevin . We had a Ken doll that looked a bit like Bruce Boxlietner , so we named him Lee Stetson . Then there was the doll named Bruce . He was one of the oldest Kens we had , and he had a bit of a flatulence problem . Not an imaginary one either . He always really smelled like farts . He was a commitmentphobe as well . Whenever he would attempt to kiss his Barbie love of the moment , his head would pop off . Our story lines got crazier as we got older . In one plot we had a Barbie that went nuts and started killing all her Barbie friends . Ken once played a phantomesque role as the weird gPosted by I drove myself crazy trying to convince myself that I felt nothing for this man . I told myself I was a fool and a juvenile for having a crush on a teacher . However , my arguments were put to rest in April of that year . I had been working really hard that semester . So hard in fact , that I wasn 't eating properly . Or much at all . One day I started feeling really bad and I knew I needed to eat something . At that point I knew I was too light - headed to drive , so I tried to call a friend . She didn 't answer , so I made my way down the first floor hall of one of the campus buildings . It just happened to be his building . I didn 't make it to the end of the hall . The neat thing I knew , I was lying on a bench in the hallway with some strange guy looking down on me . At some point someone called an ambulance , and as I was being prepared to go to the hospital , I saw HIM . He looked very concerned . At the hospital , I was told that I was hypoglycemic . That 's why I fell out . I didn 't really care about that though . I just thought about the way he looked when I left . I wondered if maybe he would call to check on me , but decided he probably wouldn 't . I was right . He didn 't call to check on me . He came to the hospital to check on me . I had gone out into the hallway to try to call someone to come get me . No one answered at home , and I started to get really worried . Then I heard a familiar voice around the corner . I looked up in time to see HIM come around the corner . At that moment I knew I could no longer ignore what I felt for him . He came for me . He was like a knight charging to my rescue . Except his white steed was a big grey Chevy truck . I knew I had deep , true feelings for him . Maybe he felt the same . I couldn 't be sure . But he had come for me . At that point it was enough . More of My Love Story . . . The first couple of weeks of class passed by without much excitement . I liked the class and found it very interesting and tried my best to be a good student . Then , one day as I was taking a test , I decided to make a little joke about some of the material . When he passed the graded tests back to us I noticed that he had made his own little joke . I laughed out loud and looked up and noticed him looking at me . I think that 's where it all began . At least my part . After that , I found myself thinking about him a lot . I made a point to get to class early and I tried to prepare myself well so I could be brilliant in class . I guess it might have worked better if I had actually spoken in class . I always felt so timid . I would see him in the hall and he would say hello and I would just smile . I knew if I tried to speak it would just come out as " duhhhh . . . " The next semester I tried to stay around the building where he taught . I couldn 't take him for any more classes because I had taken everything he taught . Instead , I scheduled classes near the ones he taught . My French class was across the hall from him and we would wave at each other every day . My theater class was down the hall from him and I would make special trips to the bathroom so I could see him . For someone who didn 't normally go crazy over any particular guy , I had it pretty bad . One day I made up my mind that I would go by his office and talk to him . I wasn 't sure what I would say , but he provided me with the perfect opportunity . I was passing by when I heard classical guitar music coming from his office . I stuck my head in the door and made some comment about the music . He knew I was a music major , so it was a perfect topic to discuss . After that initial conversation , I made a point to stop by and speak to him at least once a week . I was finding out so much about him . I realized that he and I had a lot in common . I really liked being around him and before I knew it , I found myself falling . Hard . My husband is amazing . He is truly my soul - mate . I met him a few years ago at the local university . I had gone back to school after having my first child with the intent of earning a degree in music . I ended up getting my MRS degree instead . It was all meant to be that way though . I don 't believe in luck or coincidence . I heard someone say once that coincidence is just when God chooses to remain anonymous . I believe it . Only God could have made such a perfect match . People had been telling me for a long time that I was just too picky . However , I feel that in the choice of a life - long mate , one had better be picky . I don 't believe in divorce . At least not the way that some people do . In the age of the " disposable marriage , " I was determined to find my soul - mate or remain single if I could not . I was blessed to finally find him in the fall of 2002 . I remember that day as clear as anything . It was my first day back at school after taking a break to have my first child . I was very determined to be a serious student this time . My second class on that first day was where I met him . I remember he came in a little late . At the time , I didn 't really think anything about him . I was there to learn . And anyway , I was too old to have crushes on teachers . Right ? Sure . Yes , he was my teacher . The strange thing was that neither of us were really supposed to be in that class . I didn 't realize it at the time , but I had already taken that class in Junior College under a different number . The class I was in was supposed to be taught by someone else . But there we were . . . The Indestuctible Wasp There was a wasp in my house this morning . I was afraid it would sting my baby , so I decided I must kill it . So I took a section of newspaper and rolled it up to swat the little pest . It flew over to the kitchen window , and I thought , " Ha ! I 've got you now ! " Wrong . I swatted the wasp . It fell down , but then hopped right back up on the window screen . I hit it again . Same thing . This happened over and over . Swat the wasp , jump back . Swat the wasp , jump back . I was definitely doing some damage , because the wasp started buzzing around bumping into stuff . However , I couldn 't kill the little sucker . I just kept right on hitting it . Five minutes later , the wasp had one leg and no wings , but he was still going . I decided I had to end it once and for all . I started in with some rapid succession swatting . Wham wham wham wham ! At last , the little bugger curled up and gave up the ghost . The battle was over . In the words of my father , ( the official bug - killer of the household , ) " You die ! " Posted by The Case of the Soggy Socks This morning I woke up and looked in on my sweet baby in the bassinet . He was awake and smiling . I noticed however , that his socks were sopping wet . I picked him up and felt his PJs . They were dry . His sheets were dry . I wondered how his socks had gotten so wet . I figured it out after I returned to the room to give him his bottle . There he was , with both feet in his mouth , happily munching on his toes . Mystery solved . " Don 't put your feet in your mouth Baby , " I told him . " There will be plenty of time for that when you are older . " In other news , I read in a fashion magazine the other day that butts are the new boobs . I don 't know why . If that 's true , then I 'm like the Dolly Parton of the butt world . Maybe I should open up a theme park and name it Bootyville . Another magazine said that 30 is the new 20 . So now according to the fashion world , I am 18 and a 44DD . Yay me ! I am also gald that the metrosexual fad is over . Metrosexual , for those of you that don ; t know , was a movement in society where men started carrying little handbags and getting pedicures . Yuck ! If I wanted to marry a gay guy . . . well , there 's just no way to finish that sentance . The new movement is the ubermale . This is where men go back to being the big , burly , burping , scratching , guys we all love . I want to feel like my man will protect me . Not like he 'll be afraid to break one of his perfectly manicured nails . Sure , I think guys should look nice . They should be able to dress up when necessary . But that 's what wives are for . Keep your pansy man . I 'll keep my Brawny man ! I am soooo excited ! I finally joined the 21st century and got an iPod . I love it ! It is actually my birthday present from my husband , but I got it a little early . It is so small , but so cool ! I feel very modern walking around with my little earbuds in . I have spent most of the evening importing songs from CDs to it . It feels very cool to say that . " What are you doing ? " " I 'm importing . " Now that my favs are on my iPod , anyone want to buy some CDs ? My son was out of school today , so we went to the park . We all had a good time . My older son took pictures of the baby on some of the play equipment . It was such a pretty day . When we got home several packages were waiting for us . My iPod came , the charger , and my baby 's halloween costume . He is going as a monkey . ( Very fitting ! ) My older son is going as a pirate . Ever since we went to Disney World and rode " Pirates of the Caribbean " he 's had this pirate thing . He has declared his name to be Captain Red Bass . I don 't know . . . He has quite an imagination . Today was a really nice day . I had both of my boys at home , I 've become Judy Jetson , and it 's all very cool . Last night my husband and I took our baby to the theater . Not the movies . Live theater . Of course , it wasn 't his first time at the theater . He 's only four - and - a - half months old and he 's already been to see two shows . We took him to see a musical back during the summer , and last night we saw a Neil Simon comedy . Our child is so cultured ! He did very well , despite the problems with the sound they were having . He just sat up in my lap and looked around as if he really enjoyed the action on stage . There was another baby there who didn 't do so well . And she was older ! After the show , I wanted to tell everyone , " My baby wasn 't the one crying . He was the one writing a review for the local newspaper . " My older son went to his dad 's house last night . They have a routine for every weekend they spend together . They visit their favorite restaurant and get hamburgers , then it 's off to Wal - Mart to look around . They like video games and stuff like that . I 'm not into gaming . I 'm just too uncoordinated . My guys take a few steps , and then they die . Poor Mario never made it past the mushrooms . I believe today is going to be a lazy day at my house . It 's beautiful outside . Warm , but not too warm . I have to go to the store to buy the neccessities of life : milk , bread , and toilet paper . But after that , I 'm crashing in front of the TV to watch my team get massacred . I love weekends in the fall ! Posted by Project Runway was such a bust last night . I can 't believe I skipped the Barbara Walters interview with Terri Irwin to watch it ! It was so obvious the judges had planned on booting out Uli . They had to send eveyone through because she won ! Laura 's dress was very pretty , but very safe . Michael 's dress was nice . . . on paper . It didn 't work on that little Jennifer Love Hewitt look - alike . Uli 's dress was okay compared to that " German house dress " she originally made . The beading with that print was a nice combination . When Heidi said that Jeffery 's dress belonged on a milk maid I laughed so hard I thought milk was going to come out my nose . And I wasn 't even drinking milk . You could tell he and Michael were nervous when they were in the bottom two . They were both sweating like Michael Jackson trying to figure out which Survivor team to be on . I think there will be some sort of surprise challenge that will narrow it down to a final three . In home news , my baby had a breakthrough today . He has recently started eating rice cereal , and has had some problems with it . For one thing , Mommy just doesn 't shovel it in fast enough for his liking . Up to this point he 's been on a bottle and can suck down its contents in a matter of seconds . I 've contemplated changing his name to Hoover . Today he had a breakthrough . He realized that if he opens his mouth wide , mommy will shovel in a big spoonful of grub . This he likes . He also got a new toy . He 's been playing on a little mat that has toys hanging over it . He 's become very bored with that , so I ordered him this little bouncy thing . It 's called an exersaucer . It has little do - dads all over it that squeak and spin . He seems to like it a lot . Maybe he won 't get bored with it for a while . I hope at least a week . He and I have been taking daily walks . We walk all over the neighborhood and I show him all kinds of things . Yesterday I introduced him to the joys of mushroom kicking . There was a mushroom on the side of the road that was so big it could have housed at least a dozen Smurfs . I ran Posted by My boys are adorable . My oldest son is six and a half , and he is the light of my life . He is very creative , imaginative , and sooo dramatic ! He reminds me of someone . . . hmmm . We are very close . We have always liked to play tricks on each other . One of our favorite things to do is try to scare the devil out of each other . He likes to sneak up behind me when I 'm out on the back porch reading . The other night as he was getting ready for bed I sneaked into his room and hid behind his bed . When he came back into the room to get into his bed , I jumped up and barked at him . I think he jumped about ten feet . Poor kid . He 'll probably need therapy before he hits puberty . He 'll get me back though . I 'm just waiting for it . My sons have always been my favorite toys . Kids are fun . They are a great excuse to go see all those animated films you wanted to see but were too embarrassed to go by yourself . I love having kids . I get to go trick - or - treating again . I can watch Spongebob without feeling totally lame . My other son is four and a half months old . He is really beginning to show his personality . He likes to give kisses . His kisses are really more like slobber deposits , but it 's still sweet . He coos and giggles and thinks it 's very funny that he can make raspberries with his tongue . He has recently discovered his feet , and is constantly studying them . I think he 's trying to figure out how to get them in his mouth . My husband and I still haven 't figured out his hair or eye color . He may end up as a redhead like his mommy . Right now though his hair color is best described as " bald . " He has a little bit of fuzz . His head is very round , but not quite as round as his big brother 's was . His head looked like Charlie Brown 's . Or maybe the Great Pumpkin . I love my boys . They fill my every day with wonder and delight . Their futures are wide open to possibilities . My oldest wants to be an astronaut , or a race car driver , or a police officer , or a fire fighter . My baby hasn 't made any future wishes known yet , but it looks as though he may bPosted by It 's funny how different my life is from the way I imagined it to be when I was younger . When I was a teenager and knew everything I decided that I was going to be an actress . My plan was to graduate from highschool and then head straight to NYC to find my big break on Broadway . I was not going to get married , and I was certainly never going to have children . My life was my own , and it was going to stay that way . To me , my hometown was a hopelessly uncultured place that was just unworthy of me and my talent . What an ignorant little brat I was ! Luckily , I never headed off to the big city . I went to college instead and began studying music and I discovered how little I knew about anything ! Today I 'm married with two beautiful children and a house in the country . And a cat . Sometimes I am still amazed that I have all this . Occasionally I ask myself , " What if ? " Do I have any regrets ? Do I wish I were a Broadway star instead of a PTF mom ? Heck no ! I love this life . I love packing lunches . I love going on school field trips . I love it when my husband comes home from work and I greet him at the door . I love getting up in the morning and feeding my baby while watching the Tyra Banks Show . Oh , I still have the acting bug . But I satisfy it through my work with the local theater group . That 's much more fun anyway . I can perform for familiar faces . Hometown people . Their applause means more to me than sold out shows in New York . These people know me and appreciate me . I love that I can be a star one night and then go home and be just a normal person . Well . . . maybe not normal . It 's still funny though . The other day I found myself separating meats to go in the freezer and I had to stop and smile . Who needs fame and fortune ? I have family . I am very blessed . I am rich beyond my wildest dreams . My dad is a preacher . When I tell people that , most of them say " Oh ! You 're one of those ! " Yes . I am a PK . A preacher 's kid . A lot of people are under the assumption that since I am a preacher 's daughter I am a hell - raiser . To be honest , I have done plenty of things I am not proud of . However , I don 't think I could be put in that category . My sister and I were raised with some strict rules . We were not allowed to listen to rock music . We didn 't watch movies that had anything but a G rating . My dad didn 't make us wear dresses all the time , but our pants could not be too tight or our shorts too short . ( Above the knees was too short . ) My dad has always been great though . He 's a very straight - laced , right - wing conservative . However , he has great compassion for people . He would be the first to speak out against drinking and gambling , and homosexuality . But he would be the first to reach out to and embrace the people brought down by such things . He 's probably the hardest working person I know . A lot of people think a preacher just works on Sunday and spends the rest of his time sitting around eating fried chicken . Not my dad . I 've seen him go out at 3 : 00am because somebody needed to talk to him . He is always on the go . He visits people in the community . He visits people in the hospital . He volunteers at the local mission center . He just got back from a mission trip to Africa . He 's been to Russia several times as well . I am proud to be a PK . Sure , my childhood was a little sheltered . Looking back I 'm grateful . I see kids who were not raised by a good Christian father , or no father at all . A lot of them are now in serious trouble . I was blessed . So what if I couldn 't wear a two - piece bathing suit at the beach ? I wouldn 't trade that for the life I have now . When I looked for a husband , I looked for someone with the same qualities as my dad . I was blessed to find him . I 'm happy to know that my sons have great male role models to look up to in my husband , my dad , and my brother - in - law . If they are anything like them , they wPosted by It is the first day of fall and it still feels like mid - summer ! It was like 90 something degrees outside today ! To further add to the disappointment , my team lost today . They could have won if their kicker was not a total moron . Okay , I know . I couldn 't kick that little ball through the uprights , but come on ! That 's what these guys do ! ( Breathe ! ) I 'm better now . I 'm telling you , I get into my football . Yesterday I took an online psychic ability test . It told me I definitely had some psychic powers . ( I knew it . ) Funny though , I could guess what was behind the cards and yet I never win the football pool . . . hmmmm . I wish I had known I was going to catch a cold . My head is full of mucous , and I am aching all over . My husband had it first . That 's the beauty of marriage ; you share everything . Oh well , here 's to " in sickness and in health . " I 'm going to go crash on my couch . Happy Fall Ya 'll . Yesterday afternoon my husband and I attended the University English dept get - together . I prefer to call it the " Nerd Picnic . " It is always fun to see nerds outside their natural environment so we packed up our little four - month old nerdling and a Death By Chocolate dessert and headed to the Alumni House . Of course , our baby was the star attraction . He is afterall the cutest baby in the world . I would post pictures , but there are just too many pychos on the Internet . When I refer to people as nerds , I am not being derogatory . I am myself a nerd , and I enjoy the company of other nerds . Nerds are quite fun to socialize with . We are very witty . However , most non - nerds don 't understand our humor . We love puns and wordplay that would make a lot of other people groan . Nerds aren 't totally abnormal though . They still put on their suspenders one arm at a time just like everyone else . * J . J . gives a good mad scientist laugh : Mooha ha ha ha ha ! My husband and I are totally hooked on Project Runway . Actually , he turned me on to it . Weird , huh ? FYI , he 's totally straight . It 's a funny thing to hear the man who drives a big honkin ' Chevy truck comment on the fashions . " The design is nice , but the print is just so busy . . . " He actually has very good taste . Especially in women . ( ha ha ! ) P . R . is a very entertaining show . There 's nothing like a room full of gay guys trying to " beat each other up . " The cast this time has been quite interesting . The first to go was scary Malan . My husband does a great impression of him . ( with a pseudo - British accent ) " Mummy , please don 't lock me in the closet again ! I won 't design anymore ! Mummy ! ! ! " One of my favs this season was Kaine . He reminded me of my good friend Tony . If Tony were a gay pageant dress designer . He got canned last week mainly because he thinks eveyone should dress like Elvis . Laura is another I like . She 's a Mom with five , no make that six kids and a mouth like a sailor . My pick to win is Michael . He 's friggin ' awesome ! I would buy everything he designs . Of course the show has no shortage of * itches and jack asses . Angela would do good to get hired by the Ringling Bros . costume department . Creepy Vincent will probably end up at the funny farm after leaving his job , cashing in his 401k and still getting kicked off . . . twice . As for Jeffery , aka Jack Ass , he would be more successful if he stopped designing for the 80 's Madonna ( think cone - shaped bra ) and designed stuff you could actually wear out in public . This week decides the final three and I just can 't wait ! Check it out . You 'll be hooked ! Yeah ! It 's Friday ! Here in the South TGIF takes on an entirely different meaning . Thank Goodness It 's Football ! You 've seen Friday Night Lights ? Well , it 's pretty accurate . In the South football is life . Football season is like a holiday that lasts from the end of summer well into the winter . There are parties , we have football " outfits " , and even songs ( fight songs . ) We send each other greeting cards that say things like " Have a Blessed Orange Bowl " or " Tuberville is the Reason for the Season . " Tonight my family is planing to attend a game between to local rival highschools . It should be quite an event . Aside from the action on the field , there 's nothing like sitting in the stands with a bag of warm roasted peanuts in one hand and a cup of hot chocolate in the other . Sigh . . . is it 7 : 30 yet ? I have been telling myself for some time now that I need to start a blog . So here it is . tick tick tick . . . It 's funny , for months my head has been full of things to write and now I find myself searching for what to say . I suppose I could begin by telling about myself . I am weird . Let 's just get that out in the open . Not creepy weird like that guy that hangs around outside the BP . I 'm . . . unique . I realize that by saying that I become totally un - unique because everybody says that . But really , I am a square peg . Well , maybe not square , just kind of oblong . My husband and I have declared ourselves nerds . In our eyes being a nerd is a good thing . I hope my children become nerds . Now , there is a big difference between a nerd and a dork / geek . Dorks / geeks are those guys in the chess club . Nerds are the people who sit aroung talking about Arthurian legends and debating whether or not Shakespeare really wrote all that stuff . My husband is a college English instructor ( also known as nerd ) . His friends are all nerds . They all use proper grammer when speaking to each other . ex : " How are you today , Dr . So - and - so ? " " I am well ! " My husband and I are not quite that bad , but we are fairly nerdy . Most nights we sit together in the livingroom doing our puzzles . He 's hooked on sudoku , and I love anagrams and cryptograms . See ? Nerds . There is another side to me , but I 'll get into that later . I don 't have a light over my keyboard and my eyes are getting all fuzzy . G ' nite all . |
We had dinner here . We love the cheeseburgers here and have been enjoying them for almost 4 years . Callie and me in front of the Tiki outside of Cheeseburger Waikiki . No one in our family is a great photographer . Notice my honey cut off the top of the Tiki . Two days ago we moved from our house to the Hale Koa hotel right on Waikiki beach . After two weeks on a cheap double bed , we were thrilled to be on a hotel bed . I have slept so well and have taken naps two days in a row . It 's a shame naps are wasted on the very young who don 't appreciate them . Friday night we wandered down to the Barefoot Bar right here at the hotel on the beach . There is live entertainment , lots of waitresses walking around making sure you don 't get thirsty , and the hotel next door shoots off fireworks on Friday nights . We went to bed shortly after that . We were exhausted ! Even the kid had her pajamas on around 8 : 30 . Saturday , Nick and I went back to the house to do the final clean up . I 'm so glad to have that behind me . We are scheduled to clear housing completely on Monday morning . Saturday night Callie hung out with friends so Nick and I just started wandering down the strip . We ended up at Rum Fire bar at the Sheraton . I had been there before , when Nick was gone , so I was anxious to share it with him . They have great live music and fantastic drinks and appetizers . We sat through two drinks each and lots of music . You could see Diamond Head from this place and the setting was beyond beautiful . Here is a photo of our view . Today we decided we 'd be pool bums . We left Callie sleeping and headed down to the snack bar on our way to the pool . We grabbed a breakfast sandwich and had it poolside . We stayed for several hours , had another snack and ended back upstairs for our afternoon nap . This evening we walked over to Buffalo Wild Wings , one of our favorite places to eat and play trivia . Here 's a photo of me with the kid : We 're leaving our house and hitting the town . We have a few errands to run and then we 're checking into the Hale Koa Hotel . I may be off the grid for a while . As we wind things down here in Hawaii , there are farewells and good - byes . This morning , my husband finished up at his " temporary " job . He was assigned a job for a few months as we awaited our move date this summer after he left command . It was a job that even he calls " outside his comfort zone " but he 's done very well . The commanding general himself pulled me aside one day and told me how valuable Nick has been and how he 's turned the whole staff around in a few short months . I 'm very proud . After putting in his final couple of hours this morning , Nick received his award . The CG ( Commanding General ) was gone , so the deputy commander gave it to him . Here are a couple of photos . This evening was my daughter 's last night at work . She works right here on post at the bowling alley , in the snack bar . She 's worked there since she was barely 16 years old . . that was 3 and a half years ago . How many 19 year old girls can say they 've held one job and it was for 3 and a half years ? Her co - workers threw a going away party for her tonight . They cooked for her . In case you missed my earlier posts this week , these ladies are mostly Thai ladies and let me tell you , they can cook . They made some amazing food , gave her some beautiful hand made leis and cards with money as well as gifts . More than one person came over to us as we were eating and hugged her and told her how much they would miss her . These were not only co - workers but customers as well . So many of them hugged Nick and me and told us what a good girl she is , what a hard worker , and that she was always so polite . I 'm not sure there is a greater compliment to a parent than to brag on their kid . She is a good girl . She overcame a lot of hardships and rough times when we moved to Hawaii . It 's made her stronger and more independent . I don 't worry nearly as much about her as I did the other two when they left home . She can take care of herself . I will miss her terribly though . Here is a photo of her starting through the food line with some of her co - workers . Notice all the lovely food ! Here is a close up of the one of the plates at our table . We used chopsticks . That 's what they do in Hawaii . I will miss the food here . My car . We shipped it on Monday . It is , by far , the nicest vehicle I 've ever had . It has leather seats and it has a USB port that I can plug my iPod into to play music . It has that sync system where the nice lady talks to me . She plays my music and calls my kids all at my voice command . I love her . Here we are at the harbor dropping off the car . The Army ships one , we pay for the other . Monday night I was cleaning out the pantry for dinner . I found these three partial packages of pasta . I had grilled chicken in the fridge along with salad and frozen rolls . I bought a jar of alfredo sauce and made dinner . No one even noticed it was three different bags of pasta . Why do I only cook half at a time ? I don 't know . I took this about an hour ago as Nick finished the job of taking down the blinds ( I couldn 't get those little square boxes off the wall that holds the mini - blinds . He then took the air conditioner out . I 'm sleeping with windows open the next two nights . I hope it 's not terribly humid . Notice how nice and tall he is . I , however , am not . I am 5 ' 2 " . When I took the blinds down I stood on that small side table there . Yes . . . I did . Until it almost tilted and the lamp rocked . I thought I was going to hit the ground . I saved myself from the fall and figured he could do the rest . I 'm a little jealous he needs nothing to stand on . Tonight we 're eating the last of the leftovers . I had one potato left and I 'm baking it . The ham and potato soup is in the refrigerator to be heated if someone desires . Tomorrow I throw the rest out . There 's really not much left . Tomorrow night , the snack bar at the bowling alley here on post ( where my daughter works ) is having a going away party for her . The ladies she works with are all Thai . They are cooking . Need I say more ? I 'm going down there to enjoy her party and partake in some authentic Thai food . YUM ! This morning I made phone calls and came away from it in a very positive mood . I called the movers who informed me my stuff . . that left my house just a little more than two weeks agoPosted by I 'm cleaning an old house and as I 've mentioned , it 's dirty and mildewy . Therefore , bleach is my friend . Well , not really my friend , but a must . I am finding that a dirty bathroom floor covered in hairspray is not easy to clean . Spraying with a bleach cleanser and letting it set seems to do the trick . It does require , however , me on my hands and knees scrubbing and inhaling the lovely fumes . My nose may be damaged for life . I have a bleach headache and my manicure is shot . Does anyone deserve spending the last few days in Hawaii in a Waikiki hotel more than me ? Maybe , but I 'm right up there in the most deserving . The other thing I 'm finding is that girls are pigs . At least my girl is . I haven 't deep cleaned her room in the four years she 's been here . Big mistake . Did you know baseboards can be so dirty they require that same bleach cleanser and the same method of letting it sit for a while ? What toxic waste was in the air that caked the dirt and dog hair on every surface ? I thought my teenage boy was a pig when he was home , but she gives him a run for his money . I 'm finishing up cleaning out the fridge and pantry by throwing things together . Tonight it 's ham and potato soup . It 's Paula Deen 's recipe and you KNOW that 's good . That 's a woman after my own heart . It got rid of the leftover ham , sour cream , butter and half and half . All I had to buy was a couple of potatoes . My husband is pulling more and more air conditioners out of the house . No AC along with my forty something hormones does not equal happiness . After he pulls the next one , I may be finished cooking until we are in Rhode Island . Place the potaotes in a large pot and add enough water to just cover the potatoes ( too much water will make the soup too thin ) . Cover and bring to a boil , then uncover and cook over medium - high heat for 20 minutes . Reduce the heat and add the ham and butter . Season wtih salt and pepper to taste . Over low heat , add the half and half and sour cream ; keep warm over low heat until serving time . I had to cut the recipe down because I only kept one small pot . I miss my dutch oven . It 's still yummy . It 's been a full weekend of getting more stuff done to prepare for our move . Even though all our stuff is gone , there is still a lot to do . This house has five window air conditioning units in it that we have to remove and dispose of . There are still crappy blinds hanging in both bedrooms that need to come down and a few old things I refused to move that need to be disassembled and taken to the curb . Tomorrow is our last trash pick up before we clear housing . That 's always fun . . trying to get rid of your garbage and you have to leave the dumpster in your garage empty . I had to plan Father 's Day last week without the usual tools I would normally have . I 'm scattered and I 'm afraid I didn 't do well with our dads . I ordered gifts off Amazon to be shipped directly to both our fathers , but forgot to attach gift messages . I 'm guessing they figured it out . I ordered my own husband some small things off his Amazon wish list ( it 's three pages now ) and had them shipped here . One gift is delayed . . hopefully it arrives before I stop the mail on Thursday . The other gift arrived and I realized I have no wrapping paper . I think I did a creative thing . You know the brown paper that is padding the object in the box . . . ? My husband is a Trekkie . He loves all things Star Trek . The kids love to play Monopoly with him so I figured this was a win - win gift . He loved the wrapping . Last night we took him to the Yardhouse for dinner . We had a great time . It 's starting to hit me that in a few short weeks my daughter won 't be living with me anymore . I 'm sad about that . I think even she 's sad . I 'm going to miss that girl . Today we ship my car . I 'll write more about that later . I 've been instructed to go start the car and let it idle because we have too much gasoline in it . That 's craziness . Posted by My husband here with my youngest daughter getting her scholarship . This man isn 't the biological father of my children but he 's been the best thing that ever happened to them . They finally know what it 's like to be part of a real family and have a role model . He has done more to mold these children and make them his own than their real father has done in over 20 years . Happy Father 's Day ! ! As I 've mentioned before , I am participating in the Entertainment Weekly Reading Challenge that I read about on Booking Mama 's Blog . I just finished my first book on this list . The Invisible Bridge , by Julie Orringer . This is not a book I would have chosen for myself . I read a lot of fluff , a lot of chick literature . I don 't read many books where the main character is a man . I read this book and followed this story through his eyes . Andras Levi is a young Jewish man from Hungary who leaves home to study architecture in France . The year is 1937 and the war in Europe is building . I followed Andras through two years of school , going home to Hungary , starting a family and finally being shipped off to represent a side in the war that despises his kind . It is a heart wrenching story that made me laugh , cry and scared for his future as well as the future of his family . From the start of this book , I was engrossed . I couldn 't wait to have time to read more . I remember thinking several times . . . " this can 't end well " It 's a great book . I highly recommend it and I 'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone to read it . Posted by It 's been a few days since I 've blogged because I 'm overwhelmed with DEEP cleaning this house . I pride myself in keeping a fairly clean house . It may be cluttered at times , but as far as dirt , I think I do pretty well . Little did I know . . . that once all my stuff was gone . . . I 'd find out I 'm a real pig . This house is old . It has windows that don 't seal . It has window air conditioning units . I hate window A / C . I open our windows when I can which brings dust . We have dogs . Their hair gets under beds and other furniture . So , I 've been cleaning and trying to figure creative ways to eat the food that 's left in our refrigerator and the opened stuff that was in our pantry . I 'm pretty proud of some of my inventions ! Yesterday , for lunch , I cooked half a box of pasta , let it cool , poured the remainder of my lite Italian dressing over it , the last of the olives and pepperoni , and cut up some purple onion . I called it pasta salad . My husband was proud of my genius idea , but didn 't offer to eat any of it . Remember the Aloha furniture I mentioned ? When you 're overseas , the Army loans you furniture while you 're in transition . It 's a very nice thing . The furniture , however , . . . not so nice . Here is the current state of our living room : Please notice the mattresses directly on the floor . That is because my darling husband neglected to check the box that said " bed frame " when he ordered the pieces we needed . When I asked him about it . . . after the fact . . . he said , " Oh , I thought boxed springs were the frame . " Bless his heart . Please also note the plastic on the boxed springs . Yes , I have to leave the plastic on the mattress too . Oy ! Our bed is a double and it 's about as cheap a mattress that you could buy . I can 't wait to be in the hotel . Ask me how I feel about that after I 've spent 3 weeks traveling ! ! Those stray pieces of stuff lying on Callie 's floor are what 's left of her cheap desk . I just took it apart so we can throw it away . The stuff on her bed is her clean clothes I just put in there . She 's a little spoiled . On a bright note , the lamps are made of solid wood . If we were to have an intruder , I have a weapon right by the bed . I could club someone with that . On another bright note , they provided me with a washer and dryer . That 's almost as important as a bed and a TV . Remember this picture ? That picture is the TV we kept back from our other household goods for our enjoyment as we camp out in this house for around three weeks . The lovely cardboard box was my genius , engineer husband 's idea of a TV stand . It was working . About an hour after I posted the update about this TV , it died . I was watching it , and it just went off . I was sitting in an empty house awaiting loaner furniture , the water was off because of a leak in the neighborhood and the TV went dead . We are a TV family . The day before this photo was taken , we had sent 5 . . . count ' em , FIVE TVs to our next duty station . We had one in all three bedrooms , the lanai / family room , and the kitchen . This particular one had been in our bedroom . I couldn 't help but laugh that the ONE TV we kept behind , went kaput less than 24 hours after the others had been packed and shipped . We had discussed getting a new TV for the bedroom , so this was a good time to do it . As we left the house , we loaded up a few boxes of things to donate to the thrift shop here on the Army post . We get to the donation area of the thrift shop , unload our stuff , and I get back in the car . My husband walks around the building and comes back in a little bit with a TV . I was shocked ! I asked him what in the world was he thinking taking a TV someone had donated to the shop . He says to me , " There are four back there , we 'll bring it back when we 're done . " He loads it up , walks back around the building and comes back with some kind of stand . He loads that and I 'm looking around for the MPs . ( Military Police ) Now , the thrift shop was closed . But I had seen the manager lurking around the other side of the building when we pulled up . I know the manager . He 's the husband of one of the female officer 's in Nick 's office . When the manager walks around and sees us , Nick is forced to tell him what we 'd done . Lucky for us the guy knew us and didn 't really care . He was actually laughing at us . We assured him we 'd bring it back when we were finished . We get it home , and a 10 . 00 cablLovely , isn 't it ? I 'm not sure you can tell , but the stand is very flimsy and leans a little toward the left . I hope it all hangs on until the 25th when we can move out of here and into a hotel . One more note that proves the creativity of my husband . He likes to drink rum with club soda . I don 't know why , but it 's his drink of choice . He will add fruit juice sometimes or a cherry , orange slices , etc if he feels like living on the edge . The other night , I see this drink : What is the blue substance ? It 's an ice pop . When we were packing out we found half a box of unfrozen ice pops . Nick threw them in the freezer thinking we shouldn 't waste them . That blue in the drink is an ice pop . See below : I had another one of those moments today that brought a proud tear to my eye . My husband and I were at the small PX ( post exchange , which is like a little grocery store / convenience store ) picking up a gift to take to dinner at a friend 's house . As we were walking back to the car , we hear the bugle . For my non - military friends , on the Army post you hear the bugle in the morning playing Reveille as the flag is raised , to start the day . At 5 : 00 PM , Retreat is played as the flag is lowered for the day . At 10 : 00 PM , Taps is played for quiet time . Protocol states that when you hear the bugle you stop where you are and face the flag . As we were walking across the parking lot , we hear Retreat . My husband steps over to a ledge around a tree , puts the package down he was carrying , and stands at attention with a salute . I stood behind him and faced the flag too . These things make me tear up . I was reminded of an FRG ( Family Readiness Group ) meeting I attended shortly after our Soldiers deployed to Iraq . It was held at one of the families ' homes on post and was a potluck . We stood in the front yard of her home , visited and waited to eat . There was a big tree in the yard that a few of the little boys were playing in . At 5 : 00 , we heard the bugle . Retreat was being played . Those little boys jumped down from that tree , faced the direction of the flag and popped off their own salute . Now THAT will bring a tear . A little later , those same boys playing in the tree were speaking of their fathers . I heard one say , " My dad is an engineer , is yours ? " The other boy answered , " yes , he 's an engineer Soldier too . " They had no idea their daddies were serving in the same unit across the world . When you remember our Heroes serving this country , remember the children who stand proudly at the bugle call and show their pride and patriotism . Remember the wives and husbands left to be single parents and manage to juggle it all and raise beautiful , respectful children . It does my heart good . I mentioned that I was reading this a few weeks ago . I also mentioned how much I 've always admired this first lady . I was really excited to read her biography . Normally , it doesn 't take me 3 weeks to read a book , even one as long as this one . I 'm one of those obsessive types . Once I get started , I really get into it and I read A LOT . I had a little trouble with this one for some reason . It 's a great book , don 't get me wrong , but it 's deep . She goes into great detail the projects she worked on as first lady , her feelings as she watched her husband struggle with the challenges his presidency faced and the joy they experienced in so many different circumstances . I loved the book . I had originally thought I would keep it to re - read one day , but I 've decided to donate it to the very small library we have here on our Army post . I want to share it . Now I 've officially started the reading challenge . I went to the library a week or so ago so I 'd have a book to start when I finished this one . I checked out three books on the list . I may have over extended myself . Even for a quick reader like me , these three will probably take a while . I started with : I just started this yesterday and am already very deeply involved . It 's about a young Jewish man trying to get an education in the Nazi era of Europe . I can 't wait to turn the next page ! I will write more about this book and link it to the original challenge at The Booking Mama 's blog . If you 're interested in joining this challenge , please check out the Booking Mama 's page to see what to do . I figure with the traveling I 'll be doing , I can take advantage of plane and car trips to catch up on reading . Posted by My stuff is gone . I 'm not sure where it is right now , but it 's not here . I 'm hoping it gets on a ship quickly and gets on its why . My hope is that my stuff gets there and is waiting for me when I get to Rhode Island . On the upside , I had movers that were so much fun . They were respectful , fast ( finished everything in TWO days ) and FUN . They had music on , were singing , joking and laughing as they worked . They even put a few personal touches on our packing that will make me smile when I get to the other side . My husband has a wooden rocking chair that he had when he was a small child . It is fragile and could fall apart very easily . When he told the boy packing it that it was old and special , he wrapped it , put it in a large box with pillows all around it . He wrote on top of the box " Rocking chair , very special " and drew a smiley face . That 's just sweet . I have a grandfather clock . It 's not terribly special or expensive , but it 's mine . It 's hard to pack and move so the movers built a special crate for it , which , in all honesty , I expected . Before crating it , they wrapped it in this brown paper with cushiony stuff inside that they wrapped everything in . I happened to walk by it later and saw it . Here 's what it looked like just before going into the crate : The crate lying on it 's side in the middle crate is the one that was specially built for my clock . It kind of looks like a casket , huh ? Today I 'm home awaiting my loaner furniture , aka " Aloha Furniture " . It 's cheap , very used rattan furniture . But hey , it 's free and it gives me a bed to sleep on , a table to have a meal and a couch to watch my tiny TV . Right now the house is empty . Here is where I 'm hanging out . Notice the lovely TV stand my engineer husband rigged up yesterday . Yes , that 's a cable box under the TV . We must have our 1000 channels while we camp out . To the left , on the floor are my iPod speakers / radio . To the right is my laptop . There in front of the TV are the two remotes . Yes , my friends , I 'm sitting on the floor , watching TV and blogging . Life is good . Is almost completely packed up in boxes . Yesterday was a whirlwind . I had my doubts when ONE young man showed up around 9 : 00 AM to start packing our house . I thought we would be here for days . Then , around 1 : 00 PM , a crew of four more showed up . Those guys busted a move ! One in the garage , one in my kitchen , one in the dining room and the first guy still in the living room . Wow , did they move . Here is my house this morning as I wait for them to finish packing and start loading the crates . This is my bedroom . I blocked it off yesterday so we could sleep there last night . This morning it awaits in its nakedness for the packers . I will miss that comfy bed for the next month and a few days . Hopefully it makes it to the other side in one piece . It is one of the few pieces I bought all on my own after my divorce . No man had any say in that bed . My sheets are in the dryer . I washed them as soon as I got up . I don 't know why , because as soon as I unpack them in Rhode Island . . . I will wash them again . OCD much ? Here is a photo of the poor dog before she got carted off to the airport on Sunday . Clearly , she 's ticked off . The dogs made it to Texas and are having a vacay of their own with our son . He will hang on to them while we travel and secure a house in Rhode Island . It has made the move much smoother not having the dogs under foot . Tomorrow we receive our " Aloha Furniture " which is the cheap crap housing loans to us while our stuff sails across the Pacific Ocean . Pray for my stuff . It 's not great stuff , but it 's mine . We will stay in temporary lodging tonight so we have a bed . I 'm ready for some order again . My house , that is . It is uncomfortable for me at this point . I have taken all curtains down , everything down from the walls , and have a pile of stuff in the corner of the living room that I need to keep back from the movers so we can camp out here for a few weeks . Yesterday , Nick and I cleaned out the garage , and I do mean clean . We pulled everything we own out onto the driveway , power washed it and laid it out to dry . Then we dragged it all back into the garage in a neat pile for the movers . Let me clarify how the day went . I dragged stuff out , Nick washed it , I hauled it out to the lawn to dry , then hauled it back to the garage . He helped with the heavier items , but I found myself doing a LOT of the heavy work . I asked him about this later , and he said " would you like to use the power washer ? " but didn 't give it up . The good news is , I got some kind of work out . We rewarded ourselves by going to Hooters for beer and fried pickles . Afterwards , we came home , lit our last fire in the fire pit and enjoyed the Hawaiian evening . Today the dogs fly to Texas . It 's emotional around here because they 're so innocent . I will worry about them until our son calls tomorrow and tells us he picked them up and they are ok . We can even track them online , how cool is that ? I live in Army quarters , I think I 've mentioned this before . Our house is nothing special , is kind of old , but has more than adequate storage for a house this size . We have three bedrooms and two baths . Actually , the master bath is so small ( only a shower stall ) that it almost doesn 't count . It doesn 't have ANY storage whatsoever . We have a free standing cabinet that we bought as well as a very small cabinet that we hung over the toilet . My bedroom has always been a hard one to arrange furniture in because there is no full wall . Two walls are windows . When I say windows , I mean all the way across the wall , for the most part . Another wall is a closet and the fourth wall has two closets and the door into the bedroom . It 's been a challenge . The closets in this house have been wonderful , all things considering . Not ideal , but pretty nice . I have this closet just for my stuff in the bedroom : I have all my clothes ( except winter clothes which we don 't need here ) shoes , bags , etc in this closet . Not to mention the safe that you see sitting in the floor and what you can 't see , a three shelf book case stuck in there too . It 's been a good closet . I have this closet where I keep bathroom overflow . You know , extra shampoo , towels , linens , and stuff we don 't use often . It 's fairly clear now , because I have purged LOTS of stuff . Then there is this closet that my husband uses . As you can see , only one door opens because we have his chest in front of the other one and the TV on top of it . He really doesn 't need much room . The man wears a uniform every day . It cuts way down on wardrobe . I 've seen the floor plan of our new quarters . There is ONE closet in the bedroom . It appears to be a walk - in , but I 'm not positive about that . The good news is that we have a four bedroom house . Nick will use one as his office since he 'll be attending school for a year and will need a place to study . Alex will have one , and the fourth with be a guest room . That gives me TWO extra bedroom closets to put stuff in . We currently have two closets in the hall as well . I 'll miss those . I have a HUGE closet off my kitchen now that I store extra serving dishes , small appliances , dog food , the small beer refrigerator ( that could go in the office . . . what do you think ? ) and huge book case that I have cookbooks , bins of cookie cutters , etc . I will definitely miss that one . My girlfriend recently bought these risers to put under the legs of her bed to create more storage underneath . I may have to invest in those for the guest room and the boy 's room . Anyone have creative ideas for storage ? I have a feeling I 'll need it . We won 't have a garage either , but a very small storage building in back . Woe is me ! This will be my final post on my weekend with the kids and ex - wife . I have given her too much attention and that was not my intent . I wrote this at the airport as we were waiting to come back to Honolulu . After the gathering at the ex 's house on Saturday , and dinner out with the crowd , I saw her for what she is . She is an insecure , bitter woman . She was trying so hard to impress everyone that she came across as loud and crazed . She made a few comments to my husband and in - laws to prove to everyone that she knew them all so well . It couldn 't have a comfortable thing for her boyfriend and it certainly didn 't make me happy . I had spent so much time and energy dreading the weekend and worrying about looking better than her that I missed the point of the whole thing . I saw my husband 's daughter soak up the attention we gave her like a sponge . For the first time in a very long time she looked truly happy . She tends to shrink in the company of my daughter because my kid is so outgoing and has such personality that it intimidates the other kid . I know now why she cowers under that kind of behavior . Her mother steals the show all the time . The girl never has the full attention when mom is around because she demands all of it . I also walked away knowing how blessed I am . I have the wonderful husband this woman was too stupid to keep . I have the life that so many would love to have . Her loss is definitely my gain . The biggest revelation I walked away with was that I am better than her . I didn 't care anymore who looked better in a dress or who had nicer shoes . I looked around her house and at her pitiful attempt to entertain with her pre - packaged food on simple plates instead of the home cooked food on lovely serving dishes that I would have provided . I watched her serve slices of a cookie monster cake she picked up as an afterthought on coffee cup saucers instead of desert plates and knew I had it better . I know those things are petty but they made me feel good . I don 't have to compete with her , I already beat her . I 'm happy , I make her ex - husband happy and that truly is the best revenge . It 's a strange title for any kind of blog post , but that 's what I tend to call some of the boys I see walking around post here . This morning , I was taking my husband to work and on my way home , I see a young Soldier walking back to his barracks from either the gym or his run . He was in PT ( Physical Training ) clothes so I know he was just finishing that up . He was looking up in a tree and upon looking closer , I could see that he was picking mangoes and piling them on the ground . This made me cry . I 'm a sentimental slob . I cry at the drop of a hat . Something about this young Soldier picking up mangoes made me cry ! I thought of the young boys who go to their first duty stations , sometimes leaving home for the very first time in their lives . I think of Soldiers who are my son 's age ( 26 ) and realize that some of them have deployed to war 3 or even 4 times . That makes me cry . I move back and forth between sadness and pride . I recognize that some of these young men , and women , join the Army because they wanted to try to make something of themselves and had very few options at home . That makes me proud . I am reminded of a young Soldier sitting on the curb with his newly issued rifle as my husband 's battalion was about to load busses to catch their flight to Iraq . He looked so scared it touched me . I sent Nick over to talk to him . He was afraid . . . . of flying . He had only flown once in his life , to Hawaii and his first duty station . He wasn 't afraid to go to war , but to get on a plane . Here 's a photo of my husband talking to this young man . I am an Army wife and mother of five . I have been married to my Soldier for over ten years and we are currently in our fifth duty station since getting married . I started later in life with my duties as an Army wife but have tried to make up for it by soaking up as much information as I can . I had some wonderful mentors as I joined this journey and now I want to pay it forward and mentor others . I started this blog to document my life as an Army wife , mother , volunteer , and one who is trying to make this blended family a great one . I love to cook , bake , and be a complete internet geek . I 'm learning as I go , but as I tell everyone , knowledge is power , so I keep digging for more information ! |
We had dinner here . We love the cheeseburgers here and have been enjoying them for almost 4 years . Callie and me in front of the Tiki outside of Cheeseburger Waikiki . No one in our family is a great photographer . Notice my honey cut off the top of the Tiki . Two days ago we moved from our house to the Hale Koa hotel right on Waikiki beach . After two weeks on a cheap double bed , we were thrilled to be on a hotel bed . I have slept so well and have taken naps two days in a row . It 's a shame naps are wasted on the very young who don 't appreciate them . Friday night we wandered down to the Barefoot Bar right here at the hotel on the beach . There is live entertainment , lots of waitresses walking around making sure you don 't get thirsty , and the hotel next door shoots off fireworks on Friday nights . We went to bed shortly after that . We were exhausted ! Even the kid had her pajamas on around 8 : 30 . Saturday , Nick and I went back to the house to do the final clean up . I 'm so glad to have that behind me . We are scheduled to clear housing completely on Monday morning . Saturday night Callie hung out with friends so Nick and I just started wandering down the strip . We ended up at Rum Fire bar at the Sheraton . I had been there before , when Nick was gone , so I was anxious to share it with him . They have great live music and fantastic drinks and appetizers . We sat through two drinks each and lots of music . You could see Diamond Head from this place and the setting was beyond beautiful . Here is a photo of our view . Today we decided we 'd be pool bums . We left Callie sleeping and headed down to the snack bar on our way to the pool . We grabbed a breakfast sandwich and had it poolside . We stayed for several hours , had another snack and ended back upstairs for our afternoon nap . This evening we walked over to Buffalo Wild Wings , one of our favorite places to eat and play trivia . Here 's a photo of me with the kid : We 're leaving our house and hitting the town . We have a few errands to run and then we 're checking into the Hale Koa Hotel . I may be off the grid for a while . As we wind things down here in Hawaii , there are farewells and good - byes . This morning , my husband finished up at his " temporary " job . He was assigned a job for a few months as we awaited our move date this summer after he left command . It was a job that even he calls " outside his comfort zone " but he 's done very well . The commanding general himself pulled me aside one day and told me how valuable Nick has been and how he 's turned the whole staff around in a few short months . I 'm very proud . After putting in his final couple of hours this morning , Nick received his award . The CG ( Commanding General ) was gone , so the deputy commander gave it to him . Here are a couple of photos . This evening was my daughter 's last night at work . She works right here on post at the bowling alley , in the snack bar . She 's worked there since she was barely 16 years old . . that was 3 and a half years ago . How many 19 year old girls can say they 've held one job and it was for 3 and a half years ? Her co - workers threw a going away party for her tonight . They cooked for her . In case you missed my earlier posts this week , these ladies are mostly Thai ladies and let me tell you , they can cook . They made some amazing food , gave her some beautiful hand made leis and cards with money as well as gifts . More than one person came over to us as we were eating and hugged her and told her how much they would miss her . These were not only co - workers but customers as well . So many of them hugged Nick and me and told us what a good girl she is , what a hard worker , and that she was always so polite . I 'm not sure there is a greater compliment to a parent than to brag on their kid . She is a good girl . She overcame a lot of hardships and rough times when we moved to Hawaii . It 's made her stronger and more independent . I don 't worry nearly as much about her as I did the other two when they left home . She can take care of herself . I will miss her terribly though . Here is a photo of her starting through the food line with some of her co - workers . Notice all the lovely food ! Here is a close up of the one of the plates at our table . We used chopsticks . That 's what they do in Hawaii . I will miss the food here . My car . We shipped it on Monday . It is , by far , the nicest vehicle I 've ever had . It has leather seats and it has a USB port that I can plug my iPod into to play music . It has that sync system where the nice lady talks to me . She plays my music and calls my kids all at my voice command . I love her . Here we are at the harbor dropping off the car . The Army ships one , we pay for the other . Monday night I was cleaning out the pantry for dinner . I found these three partial packages of pasta . I had grilled chicken in the fridge along with salad and frozen rolls . I bought a jar of alfredo sauce and made dinner . No one even noticed it was three different bags of pasta . Why do I only cook half at a time ? I don 't know . I took this about an hour ago as Nick finished the job of taking down the blinds ( I couldn 't get those little square boxes off the wall that holds the mini - blinds . He then took the air conditioner out . I 'm sleeping with windows open the next two nights . I hope it 's not terribly humid . Notice how nice and tall he is . I , however , am not . I am 5 ' 2 " . When I took the blinds down I stood on that small side table there . Yes . . . I did . Until it almost tilted and the lamp rocked . I thought I was going to hit the ground . I saved myself from the fall and figured he could do the rest . I 'm a little jealous he needs nothing to stand on . Tonight we 're eating the last of the leftovers . I had one potato left and I 'm baking it . The ham and potato soup is in the refrigerator to be heated if someone desires . Tomorrow I throw the rest out . There 's really not much left . Tomorrow night , the snack bar at the bowling alley here on post ( where my daughter works ) is having a going away party for her . The ladies she works with are all Thai . They are cooking . Need I say more ? I 'm going down there to enjoy her party and partake in some authentic Thai food . YUM ! This morning I made phone calls and came away from it in a very positive mood . I called the movers who informed me my stuff . . that left my house just a little more than two weeks agoPosted by I 'm cleaning an old house and as I 've mentioned , it 's dirty and mildewy . Therefore , bleach is my friend . Well , not really my friend , but a must . I am finding that a dirty bathroom floor covered in hairspray is not easy to clean . Spraying with a bleach cleanser and letting it set seems to do the trick . It does require , however , me on my hands and knees scrubbing and inhaling the lovely fumes . My nose may be damaged for life . I have a bleach headache and my manicure is shot . Does anyone deserve spending the last few days in Hawaii in a Waikiki hotel more than me ? Maybe , but I 'm right up there in the most deserving . The other thing I 'm finding is that girls are pigs . At least my girl is . I haven 't deep cleaned her room in the four years she 's been here . Big mistake . Did you know baseboards can be so dirty they require that same bleach cleanser and the same method of letting it sit for a while ? What toxic waste was in the air that caked the dirt and dog hair on every surface ? I thought my teenage boy was a pig when he was home , but she gives him a run for his money . I 'm finishing up cleaning out the fridge and pantry by throwing things together . Tonight it 's ham and potato soup . It 's Paula Deen 's recipe and you KNOW that 's good . That 's a woman after my own heart . It got rid of the leftover ham , sour cream , butter and half and half . All I had to buy was a couple of potatoes . My husband is pulling more and more air conditioners out of the house . No AC along with my forty something hormones does not equal happiness . After he pulls the next one , I may be finished cooking until we are in Rhode Island . Place the potaotes in a large pot and add enough water to just cover the potatoes ( too much water will make the soup too thin ) . Cover and bring to a boil , then uncover and cook over medium - high heat for 20 minutes . Reduce the heat and add the ham and butter . Season wtih salt and pepper to taste . Over low heat , add the half and half and sour cream ; keep warm over low heat until serving time . I had to cut the recipe down because I only kept one small pot . I miss my dutch oven . It 's still yummy . It 's been a full weekend of getting more stuff done to prepare for our move . Even though all our stuff is gone , there is still a lot to do . This house has five window air conditioning units in it that we have to remove and dispose of . There are still crappy blinds hanging in both bedrooms that need to come down and a few old things I refused to move that need to be disassembled and taken to the curb . Tomorrow is our last trash pick up before we clear housing . That 's always fun . . trying to get rid of your garbage and you have to leave the dumpster in your garage empty . I had to plan Father 's Day last week without the usual tools I would normally have . I 'm scattered and I 'm afraid I didn 't do well with our dads . I ordered gifts off Amazon to be shipped directly to both our fathers , but forgot to attach gift messages . I 'm guessing they figured it out . I ordered my own husband some small things off his Amazon wish list ( it 's three pages now ) and had them shipped here . One gift is delayed . . hopefully it arrives before I stop the mail on Thursday . The other gift arrived and I realized I have no wrapping paper . I think I did a creative thing . You know the brown paper that is padding the object in the box . . . ? My husband is a Trekkie . He loves all things Star Trek . The kids love to play Monopoly with him so I figured this was a win - win gift . He loved the wrapping . Last night we took him to the Yardhouse for dinner . We had a great time . It 's starting to hit me that in a few short weeks my daughter won 't be living with me anymore . I 'm sad about that . I think even she 's sad . I 'm going to miss that girl . Today we ship my car . I 'll write more about that later . I 've been instructed to go start the car and let it idle because we have too much gasoline in it . That 's craziness . Posted by My husband here with my youngest daughter getting her scholarship . This man isn 't the biological father of my children but he 's been the best thing that ever happened to them . They finally know what it 's like to be part of a real family and have a role model . He has done more to mold these children and make them his own than their real father has done in over 20 years . Happy Father 's Day ! ! As I 've mentioned before , I am participating in the Entertainment Weekly Reading Challenge that I read about on Booking Mama 's Blog . I just finished my first book on this list . The Invisible Bridge , by Julie Orringer . This is not a book I would have chosen for myself . I read a lot of fluff , a lot of chick literature . I don 't read many books where the main character is a man . I read this book and followed this story through his eyes . Andras Levi is a young Jewish man from Hungary who leaves home to study architecture in France . The year is 1937 and the war in Europe is building . I followed Andras through two years of school , going home to Hungary , starting a family and finally being shipped off to represent a side in the war that despises his kind . It is a heart wrenching story that made me laugh , cry and scared for his future as well as the future of his family . From the start of this book , I was engrossed . I couldn 't wait to have time to read more . I remember thinking several times . . . " this can 't end well " It 's a great book . I highly recommend it and I 'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone to read it . Posted by It 's been a few days since I 've blogged because I 'm overwhelmed with DEEP cleaning this house . I pride myself in keeping a fairly clean house . It may be cluttered at times , but as far as dirt , I think I do pretty well . Little did I know . . . that once all my stuff was gone . . . I 'd find out I 'm a real pig . This house is old . It has windows that don 't seal . It has window air conditioning units . I hate window A / C . I open our windows when I can which brings dust . We have dogs . Their hair gets under beds and other furniture . So , I 've been cleaning and trying to figure creative ways to eat the food that 's left in our refrigerator and the opened stuff that was in our pantry . I 'm pretty proud of some of my inventions ! Yesterday , for lunch , I cooked half a box of pasta , let it cool , poured the remainder of my lite Italian dressing over it , the last of the olives and pepperoni , and cut up some purple onion . I called it pasta salad . My husband was proud of my genius idea , but didn 't offer to eat any of it . Remember the Aloha furniture I mentioned ? When you 're overseas , the Army loans you furniture while you 're in transition . It 's a very nice thing . The furniture , however , . . . not so nice . Here is the current state of our living room : Please notice the mattresses directly on the floor . That is because my darling husband neglected to check the box that said " bed frame " when he ordered the pieces we needed . When I asked him about it . . . after the fact . . . he said , " Oh , I thought boxed springs were the frame . " Bless his heart . Please also note the plastic on the boxed springs . Yes , I have to leave the plastic on the mattress too . Oy ! Our bed is a double and it 's about as cheap a mattress that you could buy . I can 't wait to be in the hotel . Ask me how I feel about that after I 've spent 3 weeks traveling ! ! Those stray pieces of stuff lying on Callie 's floor are what 's left of her cheap desk . I just took it apart so we can throw it away . The stuff on her bed is her clean clothes I just put in there . She 's a little spoiled . On a bright note , the lamps are made of solid wood . If we were to have an intruder , I have a weapon right by the bed . I could club someone with that . On another bright note , they provided me with a washer and dryer . That 's almost as important as a bed and a TV . Remember this picture ? That picture is the TV we kept back from our other household goods for our enjoyment as we camp out in this house for around three weeks . The lovely cardboard box was my genius , engineer husband 's idea of a TV stand . It was working . About an hour after I posted the update about this TV , it died . I was watching it , and it just went off . I was sitting in an empty house awaiting loaner furniture , the water was off because of a leak in the neighborhood and the TV went dead . We are a TV family . The day before this photo was taken , we had sent 5 . . . count ' em , FIVE TVs to our next duty station . We had one in all three bedrooms , the lanai / family room , and the kitchen . This particular one had been in our bedroom . I couldn 't help but laugh that the ONE TV we kept behind , went kaput less than 24 hours after the others had been packed and shipped . We had discussed getting a new TV for the bedroom , so this was a good time to do it . As we left the house , we loaded up a few boxes of things to donate to the thrift shop here on the Army post . We get to the donation area of the thrift shop , unload our stuff , and I get back in the car . My husband walks around the building and comes back in a little bit with a TV . I was shocked ! I asked him what in the world was he thinking taking a TV someone had donated to the shop . He says to me , " There are four back there , we 'll bring it back when we 're done . " He loads it up , walks back around the building and comes back with some kind of stand . He loads that and I 'm looking around for the MPs . ( Military Police ) Now , the thrift shop was closed . But I had seen the manager lurking around the other side of the building when we pulled up . I know the manager . He 's the husband of one of the female officer 's in Nick 's office . When the manager walks around and sees us , Nick is forced to tell him what we 'd done . Lucky for us the guy knew us and didn 't really care . He was actually laughing at us . We assured him we 'd bring it back when we were finished . We get it home , and a 10 . 00 cablLovely , isn 't it ? I 'm not sure you can tell , but the stand is very flimsy and leans a little toward the left . I hope it all hangs on until the 25th when we can move out of here and into a hotel . One more note that proves the creativity of my husband . He likes to drink rum with club soda . I don 't know why , but it 's his drink of choice . He will add fruit juice sometimes or a cherry , orange slices , etc if he feels like living on the edge . The other night , I see this drink : What is the blue substance ? It 's an ice pop . When we were packing out we found half a box of unfrozen ice pops . Nick threw them in the freezer thinking we shouldn 't waste them . That blue in the drink is an ice pop . See below : I had another one of those moments today that brought a proud tear to my eye . My husband and I were at the small PX ( post exchange , which is like a little grocery store / convenience store ) picking up a gift to take to dinner at a friend 's house . As we were walking back to the car , we hear the bugle . For my non - military friends , on the Army post you hear the bugle in the morning playing Reveille as the flag is raised , to start the day . At 5 : 00 PM , Retreat is played as the flag is lowered for the day . At 10 : 00 PM , Taps is played for quiet time . Protocol states that when you hear the bugle you stop where you are and face the flag . As we were walking across the parking lot , we hear Retreat . My husband steps over to a ledge around a tree , puts the package down he was carrying , and stands at attention with a salute . I stood behind him and faced the flag too . These things make me tear up . I was reminded of an FRG ( Family Readiness Group ) meeting I attended shortly after our Soldiers deployed to Iraq . It was held at one of the families ' homes on post and was a potluck . We stood in the front yard of her home , visited and waited to eat . There was a big tree in the yard that a few of the little boys were playing in . At 5 : 00 , we heard the bugle . Retreat was being played . Those little boys jumped down from that tree , faced the direction of the flag and popped off their own salute . Now THAT will bring a tear . A little later , those same boys playing in the tree were speaking of their fathers . I heard one say , " My dad is an engineer , is yours ? " The other boy answered , " yes , he 's an engineer Soldier too . " They had no idea their daddies were serving in the same unit across the world . When you remember our Heroes serving this country , remember the children who stand proudly at the bugle call and show their pride and patriotism . Remember the wives and husbands left to be single parents and manage to juggle it all and raise beautiful , respectful children . It does my heart good . I mentioned that I was reading this a few weeks ago . I also mentioned how much I 've always admired this first lady . I was really excited to read her biography . Normally , it doesn 't take me 3 weeks to read a book , even one as long as this one . I 'm one of those obsessive types . Once I get started , I really get into it and I read A LOT . I had a little trouble with this one for some reason . It 's a great book , don 't get me wrong , but it 's deep . She goes into great detail the projects she worked on as first lady , her feelings as she watched her husband struggle with the challenges his presidency faced and the joy they experienced in so many different circumstances . I loved the book . I had originally thought I would keep it to re - read one day , but I 've decided to donate it to the very small library we have here on our Army post . I want to share it . Now I 've officially started the reading challenge . I went to the library a week or so ago so I 'd have a book to start when I finished this one . I checked out three books on the list . I may have over extended myself . Even for a quick reader like me , these three will probably take a while . I started with : I just started this yesterday and am already very deeply involved . It 's about a young Jewish man trying to get an education in the Nazi era of Europe . I can 't wait to turn the next page ! I will write more about this book and link it to the original challenge at The Booking Mama 's blog . If you 're interested in joining this challenge , please check out the Booking Mama 's page to see what to do . I figure with the traveling I 'll be doing , I can take advantage of plane and car trips to catch up on reading . Posted by My stuff is gone . I 'm not sure where it is right now , but it 's not here . I 'm hoping it gets on a ship quickly and gets on its why . My hope is that my stuff gets there and is waiting for me when I get to Rhode Island . On the upside , I had movers that were so much fun . They were respectful , fast ( finished everything in TWO days ) and FUN . They had music on , were singing , joking and laughing as they worked . They even put a few personal touches on our packing that will make me smile when I get to the other side . My husband has a wooden rocking chair that he had when he was a small child . It is fragile and could fall apart very easily . When he told the boy packing it that it was old and special , he wrapped it , put it in a large box with pillows all around it . He wrote on top of the box " Rocking chair , very special " and drew a smiley face . That 's just sweet . I have a grandfather clock . It 's not terribly special or expensive , but it 's mine . It 's hard to pack and move so the movers built a special crate for it , which , in all honesty , I expected . Before crating it , they wrapped it in this brown paper with cushiony stuff inside that they wrapped everything in . I happened to walk by it later and saw it . Here 's what it looked like just before going into the crate : The crate lying on it 's side in the middle crate is the one that was specially built for my clock . It kind of looks like a casket , huh ? Today I 'm home awaiting my loaner furniture , aka " Aloha Furniture " . It 's cheap , very used rattan furniture . But hey , it 's free and it gives me a bed to sleep on , a table to have a meal and a couch to watch my tiny TV . Right now the house is empty . Here is where I 'm hanging out . Notice the lovely TV stand my engineer husband rigged up yesterday . Yes , that 's a cable box under the TV . We must have our 1000 channels while we camp out . To the left , on the floor are my iPod speakers / radio . To the right is my laptop . There in front of the TV are the two remotes . Yes , my friends , I 'm sitting on the floor , watching TV and blogging . Life is good . Is almost completely packed up in boxes . Yesterday was a whirlwind . I had my doubts when ONE young man showed up around 9 : 00 AM to start packing our house . I thought we would be here for days . Then , around 1 : 00 PM , a crew of four more showed up . Those guys busted a move ! One in the garage , one in my kitchen , one in the dining room and the first guy still in the living room . Wow , did they move . Here is my house this morning as I wait for them to finish packing and start loading the crates . This is my bedroom . I blocked it off yesterday so we could sleep there last night . This morning it awaits in its nakedness for the packers . I will miss that comfy bed for the next month and a few days . Hopefully it makes it to the other side in one piece . It is one of the few pieces I bought all on my own after my divorce . No man had any say in that bed . My sheets are in the dryer . I washed them as soon as I got up . I don 't know why , because as soon as I unpack them in Rhode Island . . . I will wash them again . OCD much ? Here is a photo of the poor dog before she got carted off to the airport on Sunday . Clearly , she 's ticked off . The dogs made it to Texas and are having a vacay of their own with our son . He will hang on to them while we travel and secure a house in Rhode Island . It has made the move much smoother not having the dogs under foot . Tomorrow we receive our " Aloha Furniture " which is the cheap crap housing loans to us while our stuff sails across the Pacific Ocean . Pray for my stuff . It 's not great stuff , but it 's mine . We will stay in temporary lodging tonight so we have a bed . I 'm ready for some order again . My house , that is . It is uncomfortable for me at this point . I have taken all curtains down , everything down from the walls , and have a pile of stuff in the corner of the living room that I need to keep back from the movers so we can camp out here for a few weeks . Yesterday , Nick and I cleaned out the garage , and I do mean clean . We pulled everything we own out onto the driveway , power washed it and laid it out to dry . Then we dragged it all back into the garage in a neat pile for the movers . Let me clarify how the day went . I dragged stuff out , Nick washed it , I hauled it out to the lawn to dry , then hauled it back to the garage . He helped with the heavier items , but I found myself doing a LOT of the heavy work . I asked him about this later , and he said " would you like to use the power washer ? " but didn 't give it up . The good news is , I got some kind of work out . We rewarded ourselves by going to Hooters for beer and fried pickles . Afterwards , we came home , lit our last fire in the fire pit and enjoyed the Hawaiian evening . Today the dogs fly to Texas . It 's emotional around here because they 're so innocent . I will worry about them until our son calls tomorrow and tells us he picked them up and they are ok . We can even track them online , how cool is that ? I live in Army quarters , I think I 've mentioned this before . Our house is nothing special , is kind of old , but has more than adequate storage for a house this size . We have three bedrooms and two baths . Actually , the master bath is so small ( only a shower stall ) that it almost doesn 't count . It doesn 't have ANY storage whatsoever . We have a free standing cabinet that we bought as well as a very small cabinet that we hung over the toilet . My bedroom has always been a hard one to arrange furniture in because there is no full wall . Two walls are windows . When I say windows , I mean all the way across the wall , for the most part . Another wall is a closet and the fourth wall has two closets and the door into the bedroom . It 's been a challenge . The closets in this house have been wonderful , all things considering . Not ideal , but pretty nice . I have this closet just for my stuff in the bedroom : I have all my clothes ( except winter clothes which we don 't need here ) shoes , bags , etc in this closet . Not to mention the safe that you see sitting in the floor and what you can 't see , a three shelf book case stuck in there too . It 's been a good closet . I have this closet where I keep bathroom overflow . You know , extra shampoo , towels , linens , and stuff we don 't use often . It 's fairly clear now , because I have purged LOTS of stuff . Then there is this closet that my husband uses . As you can see , only one door opens because we have his chest in front of the other one and the TV on top of it . He really doesn 't need much room . The man wears a uniform every day . It cuts way down on wardrobe . I 've seen the floor plan of our new quarters . There is ONE closet in the bedroom . It appears to be a walk - in , but I 'm not positive about that . The good news is that we have a four bedroom house . Nick will use one as his office since he 'll be attending school for a year and will need a place to study . Alex will have one , and the fourth with be a guest room . That gives me TWO extra bedroom closets to put stuff in . We currently have two closets in the hall as well . I 'll miss those . I have a HUGE closet off my kitchen now that I store extra serving dishes , small appliances , dog food , the small beer refrigerator ( that could go in the office . . . what do you think ? ) and huge book case that I have cookbooks , bins of cookie cutters , etc . I will definitely miss that one . My girlfriend recently bought these risers to put under the legs of her bed to create more storage underneath . I may have to invest in those for the guest room and the boy 's room . Anyone have creative ideas for storage ? I have a feeling I 'll need it . We won 't have a garage either , but a very small storage building in back . Woe is me ! This will be my final post on my weekend with the kids and ex - wife . I have given her too much attention and that was not my intent . I wrote this at the airport as we were waiting to come back to Honolulu . After the gathering at the ex 's house on Saturday , and dinner out with the crowd , I saw her for what she is . She is an insecure , bitter woman . She was trying so hard to impress everyone that she came across as loud and crazed . She made a few comments to my husband and in - laws to prove to everyone that she knew them all so well . It couldn 't have a comfortable thing for her boyfriend and it certainly didn 't make me happy . I had spent so much time and energy dreading the weekend and worrying about looking better than her that I missed the point of the whole thing . I saw my husband 's daughter soak up the attention we gave her like a sponge . For the first time in a very long time she looked truly happy . She tends to shrink in the company of my daughter because my kid is so outgoing and has such personality that it intimidates the other kid . I know now why she cowers under that kind of behavior . Her mother steals the show all the time . The girl never has the full attention when mom is around because she demands all of it . I also walked away knowing how blessed I am . I have the wonderful husband this woman was too stupid to keep . I have the life that so many would love to have . Her loss is definitely my gain . The biggest revelation I walked away with was that I am better than her . I didn 't care anymore who looked better in a dress or who had nicer shoes . I looked around her house and at her pitiful attempt to entertain with her pre - packaged food on simple plates instead of the home cooked food on lovely serving dishes that I would have provided . I watched her serve slices of a cookie monster cake she picked up as an afterthought on coffee cup saucers instead of desert plates and knew I had it better . I know those things are petty but they made me feel good . I don 't have to compete with her , I already beat her . I 'm happy , I make her ex - husband happy and that truly is the best revenge . It 's a strange title for any kind of blog post , but that 's what I tend to call some of the boys I see walking around post here . This morning , I was taking my husband to work and on my way home , I see a young Soldier walking back to his barracks from either the gym or his run . He was in PT ( Physical Training ) clothes so I know he was just finishing that up . He was looking up in a tree and upon looking closer , I could see that he was picking mangoes and piling them on the ground . This made me cry . I 'm a sentimental slob . I cry at the drop of a hat . Something about this young Soldier picking up mangoes made me cry ! I thought of the young boys who go to their first duty stations , sometimes leaving home for the very first time in their lives . I think of Soldiers who are my son 's age ( 26 ) and realize that some of them have deployed to war 3 or even 4 times . That makes me cry . I move back and forth between sadness and pride . I recognize that some of these young men , and women , join the Army because they wanted to try to make something of themselves and had very few options at home . That makes me proud . I am reminded of a young Soldier sitting on the curb with his newly issued rifle as my husband 's battalion was about to load busses to catch their flight to Iraq . He looked so scared it touched me . I sent Nick over to talk to him . He was afraid . . . . of flying . He had only flown once in his life , to Hawaii and his first duty station . He wasn 't afraid to go to war , but to get on a plane . Here 's a photo of my husband talking to this young man . I am an Army wife and mother of five . I have been married to my Soldier for over ten years and we are currently in our fifth duty station since getting married . I started later in life with my duties as an Army wife but have tried to make up for it by soaking up as much information as I can . I had some wonderful mentors as I joined this journey and now I want to pay it forward and mentor others . I started this blog to document my life as an Army wife , mother , volunteer , and one who is trying to make this blended family a great one . I love to cook , bake , and be a complete internet geek . I 'm learning as I go , but as I tell everyone , knowledge is power , so I keep digging for more information ! |
It 's been a quiet few months around here . I was having a really hard time writing . There were things I felt like I needed or wanted to write about , but I just couldn 't get the words out . I 'd try and try , but nothing sounded right . So I decided I needed a break . I knew that eventually the ideas and words would flow again . And I finally feel like I 'm at a point that they are . I 've been struggling a lot the last several months . And not just with writing . It just seemed like everything was harder . I couldn 't even figure out why at first . It took a long time for me to realize I was burned out . I completed two big goals last year and it took a lot out of me . Not just physically , but also mentally . The mental part was the hardest . I think that 's what made everything seem so hard . My brain desperately needed a break . So I gave it one . And I 'm feeling much better these days . I 'm feeling calmer , happier , lighter . And I 'm getting back to things I love , like running . Yes , I even took a break from that . But things are looking up . I 'm running again and I 'm writing again , so the world is feeling brighter . Let 's hope the trend continues . I 've been going to the Cafe for about two and a half years now . I liked it as soon as I walked in . And it 's only gotten better . I go there as often as I can , but sometimes wish I could go more . I love being there . I always leave feeling better , no matter how I felt when I got there . We sit around , often sharing a large table , drinking our coffees ( or tea or whatever ) , and talking . Talking about anything and everything . Sharing stories , comparing notes , making each other laugh . We pause occasionally to order a refill or get some food , but then continue . We work on crossword and sudoku puzzles . Occasionally answering messages on our phones or tablets . But always talking . It 's certainly been an interesting one . I upped my running game this year but faltered in other areas . I 'm still learning how to create balance . It 's not easy . I still struggle a lot . I 'm trying my best , but some days are really hard . I still have days where I just want to give up . Somehow I find the strength to push through , although I 'm not sure how . I 've had to find a lot of strength lately , although I kind of wish I didn 't have to . I know it 's all part of the journey , but some days I wish things were a little easier . At the beginning of the year , I set some goals for myself . Some big , some small . Some fitness related , some not . So how did I do with them ? Let 's see … First , I wanted to do more races . In fact , I set a goal of 10 races . That might not seem like a lot , but for me it was . I actually had my doubts a few times that I would be able to do it . But I did it . Second , I set a goal to do my first half - marathon . This goal terrified me . I chose a race in October so I 'd have plenty of time to train for it . After a lot of searching , I found a training plan that I thought would work for me . I had to modify it a little , but I felt it was a good solid plan . The training went well , and when race day arrived , I felt I was as prepared as I could be for it . It was the hardest thing I had ever done . Although it took me longer than I had anticipated , I did cross the finish line . While I was physically prepared , I hadn 't really mentally prepared for it . But I didn 't realize that until mid - race . I gave everything I had to that race , and then some . To be honest , sometimes I 'm not sure I made it to the finish line . I wanted to do more running this year , and I certainly did that . I had to log a lot of kilometres in my training . Once the race was over , though , I didn 't do much running . I felt like I needed to rest and reboot . In my training plan , I had built in a rest period after the race . It ended up being longer than I had planned . I did some short walks in the weeks after the race , but no running for several weeks . When I did start running again , my heart wasn 't always in it . I questioned myself a lot . I did a lot of reflecting . I came to the conclusion that I had given so much to my training and the race , I was mentally exhausted and just needed a break . I decided not to harp on it and just let myself rest . I did do some running , but not very much . I also wanted to get back into the gym . While I did visit a gym here and there , I still have not joined another one . I really do miss it . I really do need to get a membership somewhere . Circumstances just didn 't allow it this year . Hopefully next year . The other goals I had this year were relatively minor - read more , write more , spend more time with my friends . I did read several books this year , so I 'm pretty happy with that goal . I love to read , so I always think I should be reading more . There are several books I heard about this year that I want to read . Hopefully I will get the chance to next year . While I was training , I regularly wrote on my blog . Once the race was over , I posted a couple of things but haven 't posted anything since . Overall , I think I did pretty good with that . I 'm hoping I will do as good or better next year . As for spending more time with friends , this one was hard . Everyone is busy these days . I tried many times , but to no avail . Maybe next year will be better . The one goal I continually need to work on is being hard on myself . I think I did pretty good with that this year , but I know it 's an on - going thing . It 's something I will always need to keep an eye on . My job with Celebrate the Hero continued to grow . I really love working there . I 'm continually learning new things . It is so rewarding . I hope things continue to go well there . My husband and I took a short trip to Delaware this summer . My dad got remarried , and I was able to spend time with some of my family . Because we live so far apart , I don 't get to see them very often . We stay in touch via Facebook , but it 's nice to actually see them . We took day trips to Philadelphia and New York City . We crammed a lot into the few days we were there . I wish we could have stayed longer , but at least we got to see them for a few days . To be honest , not much else went on this year . My training and race schedule took up a good portion of the year . I spent as much time as I could at my favourite local coffee shop , Urban Escape . They moved to a new location this year , but not far from their old one . I really love that place . I love that it feels so comfortable . I love that everyone is so nice and friendly , especially Juliet , the owner . It 's just a wonderful place to be . I made a few new friends , which is always nice . And I even reconnected with an old one . Overall , it was kind of a quiet year . It 's been 2 weeks since I completed my first half marathon . Through 4 months of training and the race itself , I learned a lot . And as they say , hindsight is 20 / 20 . Looking back , there are things I wish I had done , and some I 'm glad did . You can never really be completely prepared , but the more prepared you are , the better . If you think you 've done enough training on hills , you haven 't . Do more . And do a variety of sizes . There is an art form to running up AND down hills . If you need help with something , ASK ! Runners are a friendly group . Most love helping other runners . Just remember that what works for one person may not necessarily work for you . Pay attention to the weather , even during training . You don 't want to dress too lightly or too heavily . And learn to run in less than ideal conditions , like when it 's raining . It goes back to being prepared . A year ago , I decided that in 2015 , I would take on my biggest challenge ever - my first half marathon . And I knew from the beginning that I couldn 't do it alone . Not only would I need a solid training plan , I would need lots of support from those around me . I wasn 't sure what others would say , so it took me awhile before I really started talking about it . I mean , I told a few people , but not very many . The people I did tell were very supportive . As I became more comfortable with the idea , I started telling more people . Honestly , I half expected at least one person to laugh or call me crazy . But it never happened . In fact , quite the opposite . People would see me out running and would share kind and supportive words and gestures . Sometimes they would stop me to chat ; sometimes they would just shout from their cars ; sometimes they would say something as they were walking or running by me . Some people I knew , others were complete strangers . To my friend Karen Walsh . Thank you for your kindness , your friendship , and your support . Thank you for offering your advice and knowledge . Thank you for driving me to and from races . Thank you for always being there to cheer me to the finish line . To my friend Jeff Zaben . Thank you for always making me laugh when I need it . Thank you for your unwavering support . Thank you for being my cheerleader . Thank you for being my best friend . Thank you for reminding me how strong I am when I feel like I 'm not . Thank you for knowing when I need a friend . Thank you for being you . To my friend Nick Foley . Thank you for teaching me to talk in absolutes . Thank you for believing in me . Thank you for your constant support . Thank you for your friendship . Thank you for showing me I can do anything I put my mind and heart into . Thank you all for everything you 've done for me , and continue to do . I 'm a better person because of you . My world is a better place with you in it . I woke up Sunday morning with the typical pre - race nerves . I 've done enough races now that I knew I 'd have them . Truth be told , I 'd been feeling them for a few days . Although this time , the nerves were much stronger than they had ever been before . I shouldn 't have been surprised , considering this would be the biggest race I had ever done before . I was up earlier than would normally be for a race day , but I had to be . It was going to take about an hour to get to the location , and they close the roads , so we had to be out there before that . I showered and dressed , and then made my way downstairs for breakfast and coffee . I added a few last minute things into the bag I was taking to the race . And I made sure I had everything I needed in my race vest . I took the time to do some stretching as well . I like to do some stretching before a race because it helps calm me a bit . Soon enough Karen arrived to pick me up . We stopped on the way to race for coffee ( for me ) and tea ( for her ) . We made sure we had plenty of time to get there , just in case there was traffic . As it turned out , there really wasn 't any , which meant we got to the location pretty early . The way this race works is everyone parks where the finish line is and then you are transported by bus to your start line . This race is a full marathon , half - marathon , and relay race . Karen and I were both doing the half , and several other people we know were too . One friend was supposed to do the full , but he injured himself and had to pull out . The full marathon and relay start 2 hours before the half , which I think is a little weird . If you think you will take over a certain amount of time for the full , there is an early start option . There is no option for the half . After waiting for what seemed like forever , it was finally time for us to board our bus . As we were getting ready to get on the bus , I realized I left my belt bottle in Karen 's van . I decided not to go back for it , thinking I 'd be okay since there would be a water station about every 2 kms on the course . We took the first one going to our start line . Karen told me to go ahead of her , and we joked that she was going to block me from trying to run away LOL . So we get to the start line , and we have over an hour wait until we run . It seems like a ridiculous amount of time to wait ! And all it did was give me more time to freak out . I talked to other runners and paced around trying to keep calm , but it didn 't help that much . I really was freaking out . More and more runners were arriving and all that did was freak me out more ! As I was pacing around , I saw Tyler . I didn 't know he had planned to run . It was actually a great comfort to see him there . We chatted for a few , and then he left to do his warm - up . Finally it was getting closer to the time . I checked my bag , as all the other runners were doing . The first runners in the marathon were passing by , and everyone cheered . The sun was mostly shining , which I was happy about , but it was very windy . The wind made it cold . Thankfully , I had gloves and a buff on . I wasn 't sure if I would need to keep the gloves on throughout the race , but I was happy to have them at the start . It was finally time to line up . I stayed near the back , as I always do , out of respect for the faster runners . Finally it was go time . I was happy to finally going . I had been going a bit crazy ! All that wait time I had been questioning everything from my training to my sanity . As I crossed the start line , I reminded myself of a few things : This was my race , not anyone else 's . Don 't out too fast . No matter what , I had to cross the finish line . Don 't worry about the time , worry about finishing . There were a few people along the road cheering for the runners / walkers as they passed by . I thought that was pretty cool . There was a family with their dog , and as I went by , I said hi to them and the dog . The dog seemed to want to join me in the race . Everyone laughed . The first part of the race was relatively flat . I was totally okay with that . I slowed to a walk at the first water station , grabbed a drink , and moved on . The scenery was pretty . I thought about pausing a couple of times to snap some pictures , but I never did . As the course moved along the water , the wind really picked up . I pulled my buff over the back of my head so my hat wouldn 't blow off . It was mostly a head wind , which kind of sucked , but nothing I could do about it . Slower marathon runners and relayers passed me . We shared words of encouragement . That 's always nice . I paused at each water station I passed . I was very happy they were there . I thanked all the volunteers as I continued on . I had to stop a couple of times to use the porta potties too . Happy to see them there too ! I followed the fueling plan I had worked out in training , taking in a gel about every 2 kms . I made sure I had plenty of them with me , in case I needed extra . Plus I had some chews as well . Pretty soon , I was alone on the road . And I knew I would be . I was okay with that . By most standards , I 'm a slow runner , but I don 't care . I had my music to keep me company as I was running , as I almost always do . As I was going along , it seemed to me that there weren 't as many water stations as there should have been . I figured maybe I just wasn 't paying attention to the kms as much . I didn 't really think about it too much to begin with . But as I neared the halfway point , 2 large trucks passed me with their backs open . One I noticed had tables in it , like the ones at the water stations . As I neared what should have been a water station , I saw the trucks stop . A guy got out of truck , picked up the KM sign that was ahead and put it in the truck . I started to freak out ! I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Karen , who I knew had already finished and was waiting at the finish line . I explained what was happening and she went to find one of the race people . I also sent a text to my friend Jeff , who had been sending me texts since the race started . I told him what was going on and that I was freaking out . He did his best to calm me down , but it was difficult . This was my worst nightmare ! I was being left alone on the course ! ! A couple of kms later , I finally came across another water station . It was being manned by a woman and her kids . They were really nice . I was so happy to see them ! Two of the kids decided to walk to the end of the road with me . I thought that was really nice . After I had passed them , the woman closed up her water station . She gave me a bottle of water , which I greatly appreciated . As I continued on , a cop came by in his car to tell me that the roads had been reopened and to remind me to stay to the side of the road . I thanked him and continued on . A little bit farther down the road , there was a guy stacking wood in his yard . He asked me how I was doing and I said I was fine . He asked me if I was going to finish , and I said " Hell yeah ! " He laughed . About another km or so , the woman from the water station came by in her car . She offered me another bottle of water . She said all the other stations have been closed up and she wanted to make sure I had enough water . I took the bottle and thanked her . I told her I was very upset about the water stations , and she said she was too . I wish I had gotten her name . I was pretty much only walking at this point . I was really upset and trying not to completely lose it . I was on the shoulder of the road , and it was hard to run on the gravel and dirt . A few times , I wasn 't even sure I was going the right way . Karen was going her best to keep me calm too , but she knew I was having a hard time out there . A couple of times Karen texted me to ask where I was at . I didn 't always know , which of course freaked me out too . I told her at one point that there was a large hill just ahead of me . I was beginning to wonder if the road ever ended . I was pretty angry at the race people . I did my best to use that to keep moving . The lady from the water station came by one more time , just to make sure I was okay . I thanked her again . Another lady drove by , asked if I was okay and if I wanted a ride to the finish . I told her I was okay , and no , I needed to finish . I had to go up another hill and the road was curving , so I hoped that meant I was getting close to the final turn onto Main Street . As I was heading up the hill , I saw Karen walking towards me . I was so glad to see her ! At least I knew I getting closer to the finish . At least I hoped so . My back was feeling a little sore . And I thought I could feel a blister on my foot . But I wasn 't going to give up . I knew I had slowed down quite a bit , but I didn 't care . I was determined to finish the race . As Karen and I walked , we talked about how the race had left me out there alone . What really made the both of us mad was that we had talked to them the day before at packet pick up . The guy we spoke to guaranteed me that they would not shut down the water stations as long as someone was still out there . But that 's exactly what happened . As we got closer to the finish , a guy came up to us . He was from the race . He said that they had shut everything down at the finish line , and that they would contact me about getting me my finisher medal . I became even angrier ! I asked about my backpack that I had checked . They said they had it . I told him I needed it , that it had my glasses in it . He called the lady who had it . After a couple of minutes , he came back to us . He said that he will go meet her to get it and my medal and meet us at the finish line . Then he left . I swear , I could have spit nails at that point ! ! Thankfully , it wasn 't too much farther to the end . As we finally neared where the finish line should have been , a man stepped out and started clapping . I didn 't know who he was . Once I crossed , he came up to me . He said he was one of the bus drivers and had been watching me all day . He said he stayed there waiting for me . He said " everyone deserves to have someone cheering for them at the finish line . " I was crying . I thanked him repeatedly . I told him he has no idea how much that means to me . I wish I had gotten his name . Finally , the other guy arrived . He gave me my backpack and my medal . Karen took a picture of me . The guy asked me what my finishing time was . I told him what my running app said , and he wrote it down . He said it would be entered into the stats . And he once again said that one of the race directors would be in contact with me . Karen ran to the get the car , I slowly got in , and we drove home . I repeatedly thanked her for coming to my rescue and helping me finish . It was the hardest thing I have ever done - both mentally and physically . It was not the way I had hoped the race would go . It was not the finish I had pictured . I missed out on the post - race food , beer , and celebrations . I missed getting an official race photo . I 'm angry that I was lied to and abandoned on the race course . I had plenty of chances to give up , but I didn 't . I didn 't do as much strength training as I should have . It 's something I 've been struggling with doing on my own . When I belonged to a gym and had a workout partner , I did better with it . But that 's another story . As far as the running went , I 'm really happy with how I did . I covered a lot of kilometres . I mean A LOT ! It got a little hard when my long runs got over 10k , but I kept pushing myself and refusing to give up . I had a few tough runs where part of me wanted to give up , but thankfully the bigger part of me just wouldn 't . I tried different fueling options throughout my training . I actually enjoyed trying different gel flavours . Speaking with runners on Twitter , I 've found that gels are very polarizing , for the most part - people either love them or hate them . Very rarely is there anyone in between . Personally , I love them . They are easy to carry and easy to take . They provide much needed energy to keep me going . There are several different brands , but I prefer the GU brand the best . They have a wide variety of flavours , which I like . I purchased several different flavours to use during the race . I also tried some different chews during training . There are not as many different flavours of those though . I did pick up some for the race just in case . I also trained with either plain water or Gatorade G2 red ( fruit punch ) . I prefer the Gatorade , and will use it during the race . I will also take advantage of the water stations along the course . During training , I purchased a few new pieces of gear . First I bought running socks . After running in them a few times , I concluded that they weren 't any better than my sport socks . I 'll be wearing my normal sport socks during the race . Next , I bought a belt bottle holder . It wore it for a lot of training runs , and even a couple short races . I really liked it . It was easy to wear and the bottle easy to access . I 'll be wearing it tomorrow too . Lastly , I bought a vest . I knew I would need something to carry my gels and things in during the race , and a vest seemed the best option . The one I bought is actually a fishing vest , but it works perfectly . I wore it on several training runs , even in the rain . It does exactly what I need it to , and will be wearing it tomorrow . As my training runs got longer , I had to get creative with my route . I wanted to make sure I stayed in areas I was pretty familiar with , that were well travelled in case of emergency , that had bathrooms nearby , and where I could get something to eat or drink if needed . I saw a lot of the same people on my long runs . And most of them were kind enough to share encouraging words . They might not have any idea how much that meant to me . It really helped when I was struggling . I was reminded several times just how important it is to stretch . More than once , I either didn 't do it , or didn 't do it enough , and paid for it . Once on a long run , I felt my back tighten up . It was a struggle to finish , but I did . Once I did some stretching , I felt much better . I need to remember to do it more often . One of the things that really helped me through my training was the support I got from my family and friends . Moments when I was struggling or was unsure if I could really do what I was trying to do , they were there to help pick me up and remind me that I could do it and how well I was doing . That really meant a lot to me . I ran / walked 75 . 42k more than I had to . I 'm pretty proud of that . And those numbers don 't include the month I did what I called my pre - training . That 's another 124 . 89k . This was the second to last week of training and that means it 's taper time ! I 've never gone through a taper before , so I wasn 't sure what to expect . Up until now , I 've done mostly 5k races , with one 10k race in the mix , so there was . I need to taper . But I knew with this race , the taper would be necessary . And frankly , I was looking forward to it . Life has been throwing me some curve balls lately , so I was happy to take it a little easier . I did have to move some stuff around this week , but that 's okay . TUESDAY - I did an easy 6 . 5k , mostly a power walk . WEDNESDAY - I had to move Thursday 's workout to today . Another 6 . 5k , again mainly power walk . THURSDAY - Had to take today as a rest day because my husband had minor surgery . I did manage a few flights of stairs while waiting for him . SATURDAY - The last big run before race day . My plan called for 10k , but I planned on pushing it to 11k . I finished at 11 . 25k . And it felt really good . Then did an easy 1 . 5k walk home . In total , I did 30 . 75k this week . Much of it was walking or power walking , but I 'm okay with that . I did my best to not push myself too hard this week . I also have been trying to keep myself busy so the nerves won 't get to me too much . Slowly I 've been gathering things for my race bag . I 've never put one together before , so I 'm not totally sure what I need to put in there . But with advice from my running tweeps on Twitter , I have some good ideas of what I need . Another week of training is complete . And it was a pretty good week for the most part . My husband and I were supposed to go away on Thursday for the weekend , but ended up not being able to go . I was very disappointed . But at least I didn 't need to shift my training runs around . TUESDAY - Work has picked up with the start of the school year , so instead of running in the morning as I had been all summer , I did my run in the afternoon . Not used to running later in the day . I struggled a little , but still logged my 6 . 5k for the day . THURSDAY - Again , I moved my run to the afternoon . I decided to try the treadmill for a change . It had been about a year since I 'd been on one , and I forgot how hard it is ! It didn 't help that the workout studio was a little warm . In the end , I managed 4k on it . Then I immediately went over to the indoor track to finish the last 2 . 5k I needed . Thankfully it was MUCH cooler in there ! In total , I logged 6 . 62k for the day . SATURDAY - Long run day . This was my last long run before race day . My plan called for 18k , but I wanted to push that distance a little bit . It was a little hard , but at least it wasn 't raining . I finally stopped at 18 . 77k . It got a little slow near the end , but I was still happy with it . SUNDAY - My schedule had me doing a short run , so I decided to do a local 5k race . ( My running app actually logged it as 5 . 26k ) . It was a good solid run . I was happy with how well I did . Look for a race recap post very soon ! With fall approaching , it 's getting lighter later so it 's not easy to go running first thing in the morning . I don 't yet own anything reflective so I 'm not comfortable with running in low light . Hopefully that will change soon . I 've been chatting with more experienced runners lately about my upcoming half marathon . They have been giving me some really good advice . As race day gets closer and closer , I 'm getting more nervous . It helps to talk to runners who have done the race before . I need to remember to do several stretch sessions between now and race day . Stretching is so important . I need to do it more often . I would love to take a yoga class some time . Maybe I 'll get a chance over the winter . I also need to remember to keep myself hydrated . I 'm not always good about drinking enough water . But I need to be better at it , especially for this race . I need to be able to keep going . I need to cross that finish line . I 'm going to try keeping a log of how much I drink throughout the day . I will be going to the running store soon to pick up more fuel . Whatever I decide to get is what I will be using for the race . I 've rather enjoyed trying different things during my training . I 'm also starting to think about what to put in my race bag . I 'm sure I will get lots of advice from my more experienced runner friends as to what to include . At least I hope I will . Anyway , I think that 's about it for this week . Wow . Week 11 is done . This was an interesting week . Life decided to throw a little curve ball at me . But I still got through it . Here 's how the week played out : MONDAY - Rest day . Definitely needed it . TUESDAY - I opted to do my run inside today . I like that I have an indoor track nearby . Although I 'll admit it gets a little boring after a while . Logged 6 . 51k WEDNESDAY - Cross training day . It also happened to be my birthday . I did a power walk of 2 . 54k , followed by several sets of stairs . I was going to do more in the afternoon , but here 's where life got in the way . I had to go with my husband to have a specialist look at one of his eyes . THURSDAY - It 's starting to get lighter later now . It makes it a little hard to go running extra early . I don 't yet have anything reflective . I 'm working on that . Anyway , I had to go out a bit later than I would have liked , but still got 7 . 3k for the day before heading to work . SATURDAY - Long run day . It started raining overnight , and it was still raining when I got up . But I got dressed and laced up my shoes anyway . I 've never actually run in the rain before . It wasn 't thundering or lightning , so I figured it was safe . I did a little stretching before I left too . I didn 't want a repeat of last weekend . I was soaked to the bone when I finally got to the coffee shop , but it was a good solid run of 17 . 23k so I didn 't really care that I was wet . SUNDAY - more rain , but this time with thunder and lightning , so I chose to skip my short run and do a light workout at home . More about Wednesday - my husband has mild glaucoma . He had a regular check up with his doctor in the afternoon . He mentioned he was having an issue with one of his eyes . They advised him to go to Kingston to see a specialist , which is an hour away . So he picked me up from work and off we went . They were expecting him so we didn 't have to wait very long . By the time he got it taken care of and we got back home , it was like 8 : 30p . Not exactly a fun way to spend my birthday . More about Saturday - I had been watching the weather all week , so I knew it was going to rain . I could have gone running on Friday instead , but chose not to . I figured that I need to learn to run in the rain . If it 's raining on race day , I still need to run , so why not train in the rain . I wore light clothes so I wouldn 't get weighed down . I bought a rain jacket it too long ago for just this purpose . I took it slow and steady . I tried to wear the hood of my jacket , but it kept flying off , so I didn 't bother after a few tries . I was wearing a hat , so I figured that would be okay . It wasn 't a heavy rain , but it was enough . I was pretty wet by the time I made my first bathroom stop at about 5k . I was sort of laughing at myself out there running . Almost no one else was out and about . By the time I stopped again at about 10k , I thought I couldn 't get any wetter . At one point I remember looking down and seeing soap suds on my pants . Soap suds ! I broke out laughing ! It was just absurd . Either I didn 't rinse well enough in the shower , or my washing machine didn 't rinse my clothes well enough . It was just hysterical . But I kept on running . My right hip started feeling a little sore around 13k . I slowed down a little , but kept going . I hit 17k a little bit before the coffee shop . I was really proud of myself , so in addition to my coffee , I bought a triple chocolate buttertart . When I got home , I peeled off my wet clothes , took a warm shower , did some light stretching and took a nap . After my nap , I did more stretching and felt much better . I need to stretch more . I need to remind myself to stretch more . I always feel better when I do it . And as race day approaches , I need to keep loose . My long run this week was once again my farthest run to date . But interestingly , it was not my longest in time . This week I ran a kilometre longer than I did last week , but in less time . Pretty proud of that . I don 't focus on my time , I just run . I run until I hit whatever distance I need to do that day . But it 's alwaysWith fall temps arriving , it 's not essential for me to get up at the crack of dawn to go running to beat the heat and humidity . I like that because I 'm really not a morning person . I might even do some afternoon runs in the next couple of weeks . Well that 's about it for this week . Come back next week for another update . |
Sorry I haven 't been on here in a long time . For some reason I couldn 't get anything to post . So I have started a Facebook page if you are interested . Costa Rica Country Living , https : / / www . facebook . com / CRcountryliving / This is much easier for me to keep up with and use . Look forward to seeing you all there . Thanks . Yesterday afternoon I noticed a tumor on the side of my dog . This thing just popped up ! We are almost constantly petting him and giving him belly rubs ; he 's pretty spoiled really . So , I immediately called one of my vets and arranged to bring him in the following morning . He loves going for car rides , all we had to do today was open the door and say , " Let 's go ! " and he jumped right in . He 's really a giant baby . People are very intimidated by him because of his size , 77 pounds / 35 kilos . He 's an American Staffordshire Terrier , so he looks a lot like a pit bull ; they are very close cousins . All this dog wants is to be loved on . We adopted him almost two years ago and he was extremely emaciated and very sick and he had been beaten . The person who had him wanted him to fight , but he just wanted to love . So we got him and he gets lots of love here . Everyone who gets to know him falls in love with him . Well , we get to the vet and she examines his tumor . She is a little worried at first as it is rather large and pretty solid , but it was still movable which was a good thing . She gives him some anesthesia and he slowly started getting sleepy . He didn 't even flinch when he got his shots , he was a perfect boy . I told my vet that I have never had a problem with anyone giving him his vaccinations and that he is special , she told me that he is very special . He put his head on my shoulder and started drifting off until he could no longer sit up and slowly laid down on the table . When he was pretty out of it she gave him a local to numb the area so she could get to work . She didn 't want to put him under completely so he could have a quicker recovery time . Five minutes later we are transferring him to the other room where she has everything set up to get the tumor out . She picks him up to carry him and he whimpers the entire way ! I have never heard him whimper before and I was almost in tears ! I just know that he was confused and didn 't know what was going on and scared . She laid him on the table and I spoke softly to him while petting his big block head . He drifted off even more , his eyes were closed and he was sleeping . She got to work right away . I stayed with him the entire time and my husband was in and out to check on him . He was like a nervous dad ! She got the tumor out and cut it open and looked through it and told me that it didn 't look like it would be cancerous . She suggested that we wait to do a biopsy . If he develops anymore we will have those removed and then biopsy it . I really trust my vet , she greeted Bruno with a big smile today and lots of pets and he even kissed her on the nose ! Just as she got him all stitched up he was starting to wake up . Great timing ! She sent her husband out to buy an ace bandage to put around him as she didn 't have anything long enough to fit around him . We gave him several minutes to look around and know that he was OK and to make sure he wasn 't going to freak out . The vet carried him out to the car for us and laid him gently in the back seat where Bruno slept the whole way home . I picked him up a new brush and a new collar today also . Total cost of everything , including antibiotic injections … under $ 70 ! My vet is an amazing woman and speaks great English . We giggle at each other when she can 't remember a work in English and I can 't remember one in Spanish . We work it out . I can really tell that she loves the animals and wants what 's best for them . I live in the Sarapiqui area and was extremely fortunate yesterday . We were predicted to get between 12 and 18 inches of rain and strong winds ; neither happened here . We were prepared though . We had plenty of bottled water , food , pet food , candles , flashlights , hand sanitizer , baby wipes , first aid kit , and some wine . The hurricane made a turn to the north and all we got was some rain , wind , and a few wind gusts . We were lucky , but other areas weren 't so lucky . Our power did go out for about three and a half hours , but that was it . We also made sure to have a full tank of gas in the car and the pet carriers at the ready . The towns to the north and on the northern caribbean side got the worst of it . The town of Upala was hit really hard . The scouts came by today asking for donations , the only thing that I had on hand was a giant bottle of water that I bought the other day and hadn 't opened . Normally when I get home I unpack things and put them in Tupperware containers because they come in bags and I don 't want to take the chance of the bag ripping open . I wish I had more to give . I 'm thinking of going to the store and buying some things and taking them down to our Red Cross , it 's just down the hill from my house . There are many towns in Nicaragua that got hit really hard as well . There are still some missing people in both countries and several deaths as well . It could have been worse . I am thankful that we were spared the worst of it . But I am sad for the others that have lost so much . You can make donations to the Red Cross of Costa Rica if you would like to help . This is their web page , but it is all in Spanish . http : / / www . cruzroja . or . cr / It started back in January , I had a little cough . It seemed to be worse at night when I was laying down in bed for some reason . This went on for about a week , I was thinking I just had a little cold or maybe some allergies to something . After all , I live in the tropics and we had foreign company that week . Then it felt like I had something stuck in my throat , just a little tickle in the back and it wouldn 't go away . This went on for a few days when it dawned on me that I should probably see a doctor because my thyroid is right there . As you all can tell I live in Costa Rica and our healthcare system is a one payer system . It can be very slow at times . But you can purchase private health insurance and you can visit a private doctor and / or clinic if you like . We do not have private health insurance , but I did go private for a lot of my tests ; so I use the two systems together . Using the public one payer system there is no out of pocket expenses . So , I go to my primary care physician and she feels around on my neck and tells me that she wants me to get an ultrasound done of my thyroid . She does suggest that I go and have it done privately so it will be done quickly . No problem . I go to a clinic and have it done for around $ 70 . I get the results right then and there , I get the images , and take everything back to my doctor . It does show a small nodule in my thyroid . She says she wants it biopsied . Again , I go private for this and it 's around $ 250 . I get the test results back in a few weeks with a suggestion of getting my thyroid removed because of the type of cells that were found ; Hurthle cells . This is when I really start doing some research on the subject . It seems that Hurthle cells are rare and even rarer if they are cancerous , it seems that I am rare . So , I decide to go to a private endocrinologist here in Costa Rica . Cost for an office visit was $ 100 without insurance . He orders some tests , another ultrasound , and can 't figure out for the life of him why they would want to remove the nodules when they are so small . I 'm already put off at this point with him after hearing him say that . But I get the tests done and send him the results . Blood work was actually fine and the new ultrasound showed another small nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid . Private endo still wants to wait . In the meantime I am waiting on getting in with the public system so I don 't have to pay anymore . I made a trip to the States to visit my family , this was back in June . Had a great time , my cousin and I took our kids on a road trip for their high school graduation . Got to see my sister , which is always important to me . Got back and got my appointment with the public system finally . By this time it is the end July when I finally get to meet with an endocrinologist . She was very nice and spoke pretty good English . She reviewed everything and set me up with what they call a thyroid clinic at the hospital . That appointment was August 11th . During this appointment I met with an oncologist , endocrinologist , pathologist , a surgeon , and about 12 interns as it is a teaching hospital . I liked the idea of meeting with everyone at once . This kept everyone on the same page at the same time and I didn 't have to go to multiple doctors appointments and it saved a lot of time . The decision was made that yes I would have surgery . We just didn 't know when . So , my husband and I ran all over the hospital getting all the paperwork ready and I got on the waiting list for surgery . I also got another appointment for another ultrasound , this appointment was in October . In the meantime , I 'm trying not to freak out too much . This is a lot to take in , still didn 't know if it was cancer or not at this point either . A good friend of mine talked me into going up to Florida to see if I could get the surgery done there any quicker . I went to an endocrinologist in Florida who told me not to worry about anything because the nodules were small and it was probably just papillary thyroid cancer and those nodules are very slow growing . This doctor had all of my tests results and was bilingual , so he could read Spanish , and no where did it say papillary only Hurthle ! I was so angry . His suggestion was to come back in six months and he would do a genetic test on it to be sure . This doctor reminded me of all the stories that I have read on the support pages about how doctors don 't listen to their patients at all , I was in tears when I left there . So , I came back home . Somewhere along the line I actually lost the order for my next ultrasound . I have no idea how I had done this . But , I had taken a picture of it on my phone ! So , I went private . Again , I paid the $ 70 for the ultrasound and the doctor was very nice . She explained everything to me that she was looking at … well , almost everything . My husband was right there with me the entire time like he was for every other test . I get the results and head back to my primary care doctor to see if she can get them to the hospital for me . It turns out that she can 't get them to the hospital for me and that I have to take them myself . This is a two hour drive each way . But , the results now show that I do have cancer . So much for those doctors telling me not to worry about anything . My husband and I decide to take the results down on a Friday and drop them off . I get to my endocrinologists office and wait for the door to open so I can hand him the results . He looks at them and then looks at me and asks , " You still haven 't had surgery yet ? " Nope , I 'm still waiting for them to call with an opening . He told me to come with him that he was admitting me right then and there ! He said this was not waiting and couldn 't wait and yes it is cancer . I was starting to freak out at this point . I like to be prepared for things and I was not prepared for this at all . I went in on Friday afternoon to the hospital and had my surgery on Tuesday . All of the nurses and doctors were very nice and treated me very well . The food was terrible though ! If I ever eat rice and beans again it will be too soon . My surgeon told me that the surgery went beautifully and I actually got to come home the following day on Wednesday . I was super happy to be home . After all , I was only home for a few days from Florida before I went into the hospital . My poor cats and dogs were freaking out when I got home again . It 's been a week since I had my surgery and I got my stitches out of my neck today . I told my husband I could be Frankenstein 's monster for Halloween now . I did get a secondary infection after I got home , which seems common for me to do ; I have had many surgeries in my life . I am now taking my medication everyday and I will have to continue to take it everyday for the rest of my life if I want to live , which I do . I will go back for some blood tests pretty soon to monitor my hormone levels and to see if anything needs to be changed . I will have to continue getting ultrasounds every so often also to check for any regrowth of any tumors . This battle may be over , but the war still rages on . It 's an ongoing war with this , many people are never right after the surgery and so many more people don 't understand what they are going through . The thyroid is a very important little organ and it controls so much in your body , once it 's gone it can be very difficult to get balanced again . They call thyroid cancer the " good cancer " , but there is nothing good about it . You still have to try to live , take medicine everyday for the rest of your life , hope you can get it balanced . Many doctors won 't listen to their patients about it either , I 'm glad that mine is listening . I told her today how much I appreciate her . So please , if you know someone who is going through , or who has gone through a thyroidectomy for cancer … be patient and understanding with them . Listen to them because many feel like no one is listening . Many get left behind by friends and family because they just don 't have the energy anymore to do the things that they once loved doing . We feel tired , all the time , no matter what we do or don 't do . I 'm just starting my journey and I have a long way to go with it . But I am learning , and I have found support with my thyca sisters and my husband . I hope to paint again soon because that is what I love to do . So , today I got up at 5 : 20 in the morning . Brushed my teeth , let the dog out , got dressed , and then headed down to the clinic to make a doctors appointment . They open at 6 am and it 's first come first serve and the first appointment is at 7 am . There was already a line when I got there at 5 : 35 am . I got my appointment for 8 , but they assign four people to each hour slot and I was in the last slot so my appointment was really closer to 9 . That was good because that meant I could go by the bakery and get some pastries and then come home and have some coffee with my husband . I get down to the clinic and wait to be called , they checked all my vitals and I went to wait again for the doctor . I really like my doctor I have here . She very nice , patient , understanding , and knows a lot of English . I told her everything that was going on , she went over my biopsy report again to refresh her memory ; after all she sees a lot of people . I told her about the pain I am having and how my voice is getting worse . She listened to my lungs , felt my thyroid , and then we talked . With the way the system is , her hands are kind of tied right now . She can 't send me in through the emergency department unless I can 't eat or drink . She may be able to if the pain becomes unbearable though . So , back to the waiting game . I ended up finally breaking down and crying , which caused more pain . I think this is the first time that I have actually cried about it . I told her that I have been trying to stay strong for my family and not letting them know how freaked out I really am about the whole thing . She said that they should be strong for me . I did agree , but I have always been this way and for many years I was a single mom and had to be strong for the kid . She asked me how I was sleeping , I told her not well . Not only does my neck hurt but I have back problems too . I will be sleeping good tonight with what she prescribed for me . We went over my allergies again , that list keeps getting longer . I 'm allergic to almost all narcotics , fish , and cherries . The older I get , the more allergies that seem to be developing . That is something else we will have to look into after the thyroid gets taken care of because it 's sounding like an autoimmune type of disease . Anyways , I got my meds and a shot in the hip and was on my way home . Total time was about two hours , the pharmacy is right inside the clinic so that saves a trip . Total out of pocket expense today , $ 0 . Yup , everything is covered . I get back home and tell my husband everything that happened . He said he wish he would have gone with me so he could have drove back after my shot . It kind of hurt to clutch on the way home . He gave me a big hug and held me for a long time ; he then asked where I would like to go Pokemon hunting today ! That made me laugh and put a smile on my face . Yes , I have been doing the Pokemon Go , but only to get more Pokemon than my daughter . I told him maybe tomorrow as my butt still hurts and I got up early today . So here I am with a large cat in my lap cuddling on me and purring , I think he is trying to cheer me up also . But I do wonder what is going on my area , two of my neighbors had their thyroids removed and I met another lady today who is having problems . Makes me wonder , but my biological mother had hers removed and I grew up close to a uranium processing plant that leaked . I think I was doomed from the start . Oh well . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! The hospital I go to is in Heredia . I haven 't been to any other public hospitals here . So , again I can only tell you about my experience yesterday . Yesterday was my appointment to meet with a bunch of doctors about my thyroid issues . I have at least two tumors in it , maybe more . So we get up at , " I shouldn 't have even gone to bed " o ' clock and have coffee . Feed the cats and dogs and head out . My appointment was at 7 but you always have to be there at least 15 minutes early to show all of your paperwork and it 's about a two hour drive for us . We get to the hospital and my husband drops me off at the front while he goes and finds a place to park . We ended up getting there a lot earlier than anticipated , but that 's all good . Now , the last time I was there I remember seeing a sign for the thyroid clinic on the forth floor of building C . So , I go there first . Nope , wrong place . OK , we head to building B and ask the guard . We are in the right building but we need to wait to be called up and they will take us up in a group to the third floor . The third floor is the patient floor and it is a secure floor , no one is just allowed to walk in ; I like that . We get called up at 7 and head up with a lady and her family . I was the first one to go in for the meeting at 7 : 30 . There were a total of 16 doctors and medical students in the room . It was a little overwhelming . My endocrinologist was there , a pathologist , an oncologist , a surgeon , and I 'm not sure who else . What they do is they get all the specialist together to meet with the patient and go over their case and decide as a group what should be done . It really speeds things up , I don 't have to go all over town to different specialists for different things . They are all there together communicating with each other . They ask me a few questions , feel my thyroid , talk , and then have me wait back out in the hall . Next they called in the other lady . I wait for her to get done and then for the doctors to discuss everything on our cases . The students leave and only one doctor stayed , he called me back in to discuss what the plan is . I am going to have surgery . With the type of cells that were found in my biopsy they want to get the tumors out . That is going to be the only way to know for sure if it is cancerous or not . These cells can go either way . Now , when I went to a private doctor , he wanted to wait ; saying that the tumors were too small and it was nothing to worry about . These doctors want to get it out sooner than later . From there we went back to the other building and up to the forth floor . Now that we are back in building C we wait to get a paper stating that I am in need of surgery and with what doctors . I take this down to the first floor to get it stamped . After finding out where exactly to take it I get it stamped I take it up to the third floor . At this point we are getting some exercise . I finally found where to go on the third floor and take my paperwork to the window . The guy then tells me that he doesn 't have my file and needs it ; now it 's back up to the forth floor . I get my file and then back down to the third floor . He lets me know that it 's going to be 15 minutes before he can do anything . OK , we went outside for a smoke . We finally get my file back and have to take it to a nurse where she checks my vitals and then tells me to wait . I have no idea what I am waiting for at this point . My name finally gets called and I meet one on one with my surgeon . ( Ah , that 's why I was waiting . ) So , I finally get to talk to my surgeon and find out exactly what is going to happen . They are going to remove at least half of my thyroid . I need to get another ultrasound done first though to see if they need to remove the entire thyroid . I really wasn 't expecting this . But now I know . From there I have to go back to building B and talk with admissions about when I can get in . Unfortunately this is the only public hospital for my entire province . I am on a waiting list and they will call when they have an opening for me . I do know that I am put on the fast track which moves me to the top of the list because of possible cancer . But at least I know I will get it taken care of without any out of pocket expenses . I would hate to think what all of this would have cost me in the States even with insurance . Especially with all of the doctors that I met with . Next it was off to building A to make my appointment for my ultrasound . I go up to the guard who gives me a red number and I take a seat and wait for my number to be called . I noticed that there were different colored numbers , red is priority . My appointment is for next week , which means another long trip to Heredia ; but at least I don 't have to get up as early . The lady told me that they are open from 7 - 1 and I can come anytime during then . I was listed for the 7 - 8 time slot , but when I told her where I lived she said it wasn 't a problem to come later . Thank you ! So , we hit all three buildings at the hospital . Met with an entire team of doctors , got myself on the waiting list for surgery , got my appointment for my ultrasound , and didn 't pay anything out of pocket . No co - pays , no deductibles . Our monthly premium is based on our income here , so we don 't pay a whole lot . This will be my second surgery here , the first was an emergency appendectomy . All of the doctors have been super friendly and so has the staff ; including the security guards . It 's like a one stop shop for all of your medical needs . They even have a pharmacy there for people to pick up their prescriptions before leaving the hospital , so no leaving the hospital and driving to another pharmacy and waiting for your prescriptions . They system isn 't perfect , but I find that it works . It may be slow at times , but at least I know I 'm not going into debt that I won 't ever be able to repay . I know that if I do have an emergency I will be taken care of also . When all was said and done we were out of there around noon . Then we headed to Walmart for junk food . I didn 't find exactly what I was looking for , but that 's OK . We got some pastries to eat in the car while we watched the kids in the skate park practicing their skate boarding . It was really neat to watch . From there we headed home and I didn 't make any wrong turns while leaving the city . About half way home there is a gift shop up in the mountains , which it was pretty cold up there for me . I wasn 't expecting my husband to stop , but he did . They have these hammock chairs that I really like ; I have one but wanted another one . The last time we checked they were asking 25 , 000 colones for them ; we decided that was too much . This time we asked and they were asking 22 , 000 for them . But the one I liked was outside on display . They lady told me that since it was the display on she would give us a discount on it ; we got it for 20 , 000 . I was quite happy with that . This one is a lot longer than the first one I bought . So , after this already really long day my husband comes home and gets out the ladder to try to shorten the chain that my other hammock chair was on . It was still too long . I tie some knots in it and now it is perfect ! It is so much more comfortable than the other one . I will only let you sit in it if I really , really like you ! So , that was my day yesterday . It was a long day , but I feel that it was productive and I feel that I got a lot of answers . Now , we just wait for the call . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! Really , it was a simple and painless process . Probably the easiest thing we have done here having to do with the government . You also must remember that my blog is based on my personal experiences for the area that I live in . We went to Guapiles to renew our license as it is the closest place for us . First we went and got our physicals at a local doctor in the town we live in . Next , we paid the fee of 5 , 000 colones each at Banco Nacional . Our physicals were 20 , 000 colones each . We made sure to keep our receipts from the bank , as you will need those . We also got copies of our physicals , called Dictamen here , they did want to see that as we entered to get in line . We got up early today so we could get a good place in line , when we got there I would guess that there were about 7 - 10 people ahead of us . But the lady looked at my husbands birth date on his license and realized that he is 66 years old so he gets to go to the front of the line . Now , also , my husband is 3 / 4 deaf and is lucky to hear me half of the time . ( But I still love him . ) I explain this to the woman at the gate that I needed to translate for him . So I got to go with him ! We went first and we were both in and out in less than 15 minutes . The lady asked for all of our paperwork , our current drivers license and our cedula 's . She made sure our address was still the same , phone number , and e - mail address , took our picture , we signed , and had our finger print done . That was it . Super easy ! From there we did our normal monthly shopping in Guapiles . There are some things cheaper there than they are in the town we live in , and we have to go there every month to make the house payment . Stocked up on cat food and got to see the vets cat , I remember when she got the cat and it was a tiny kitten , now she is full grown and beautiful . Stopped by one of the bigger supermarkets to stock up on coffee and salsa and a few other small items . From there we did our monthly trip to Paqueño Mundo , it 's basically like a Big Lots in the States . I can find my canvas there for really cheap . We had to wait a few minutes for them to open and when they did they had all of their front of the house staff there greeting everyone as they came in , I found that to be very nice . From there we headed back to our area and made the car payment . A simple day , but we got a lot done . Everything is paid for the month now . It got super hot today and now we have some thunder off in the distance . It 's been a busy week for me , I 've been doing a lot . I have been participating in GISHWHES . If you don 't know what that is , I encourage you to look it up . It 's rather interesting . I can 't post anything I 've done yet , I may do that next week after the contest ends . But I think my entire town now thinks I 'm insane . I 've made a lot of people smile and laugh though . GISHWHES is partnered with Random Acts which is a wonderful charity organization . Next week I go for my doctors appointment . I will update you all on that when I can . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! We got up at 4 am and I hate getting up early . Had our coffee and got ready to head out to the hospital for my appointment with an endocrinologist through the public system . The hospital is at least a two hour drive away , and over lots of mountains . It was still dark when we left , had a little misty rain in the mountains , drove through the clouds , and it was cool ; it was actually below 60 degrees . We get to the hospital a little after 7 am . We finally find where I need to go for my appointment . They tell that I need to go back downstairs first for something , they needed to make a file for me and I guess they only do that in one area of the hospital . No problem , I finally get that down and head back up to the forth floor . Next I see the nurse who checks my vitals , weight , and actually measured my waist . Never had that done before . Then I go out in the hall and wait to be called back . My appointment was set for 8 am , by this time it was pretty close to 8 . I think what they do is schedule several people for an hour and call them back in order that they arrived . I got called back close to 9 ; I was glad I took my Kindle with me . The doctor was very nice and she had two students with her . She speaks better English than she gives herself credit for . She went over all my tests results that I have had done and compared the two different ultrasounds results . I found it kind of funny when she asked if I had ever had any surgeries . I have had at least 12 of them . I might of missed a couple though . ( I think I am trying to see what I can live without . ) She was going to do a consult on the spot with another doctor , but he wasn 't in . So , I go back in two weeks and meet with a pathologist , a surgeon , and a thyroid specialist . Yes , I am going to have another surgery . I 'm not really surprised . She told me my chances of having cancer are only at 20 % , I will take that . But the only way to know for sure is to remove all of the tumors and do a full biopsy on them . She was pretty thorough in the examination and I was out in no time . After that , my husband and I decided to make a trip to Price Smart , it 's like a Costco . I found our way to this one with no problems at all . I missed a turn or two when going to the hospital , but it wasn 't a big deal . My husband said that I have problems finding the hospital for my very important appointment but no problem finding a place to shop . What can I say ? I like to shop on occasions . I did find a new pair of shoes at a Payless next to Price Smart , I needed them . Also , we won 't have to buy toilet paper , napkins , coffee filters , or peanut butter for the next six months . We also got some of those snack pack pudding cups , the neighbors grandson really loves them . After that we were on our way home , it got a little rainy up in the mountains but not too bad . Finally made it home and we all took a nap . The dog was super happy to see us and so was my cat . We were only gone about 8 hours , but you know how animals are . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! I 've been going to the same optometrist now for about four years . I really like this doctor , she is a very nice and honest lady . I went to a different one last year and she couldn 't get my prescription right for some reason so I went back to the first one . Glad I did . She found a small cataract in my left eye that the other doctor didn 't find . I do have a referral for an ophthalmologist , but it is a ways out yet . A couple of days ago I started getting some eye pain . That usually only happens when I need new glasses . I was thinking it was kind of early because it had been just under a year since my last eye exam . I usually go about every two years , which was the recommendation of the last ophthalmologist I went to in the States . But with me getting older and knowing I have the cataract I thought I should get them checked out . I went back to my doctor in Ciudad Quesada . She asked me how my daughter was doing and how my husband was and if I had been back to visit the States recently . She only saw my daughter once before and that was over two years ago . I think the woman has a great memory . So she proceeds with the exam . During the exam she was trying to get my left eye focused , which is nearly impossible , and all I could see clearly was the first and last letter in the row . She was very thorough , gets the prescription ready and then compares it to my current glasses . She tells me that the prescription is still exactly the same . I am curious as to why I have been having the eye pain . She looks into my pupils and tells me that the cataract is getting a little bit bigger and it is in the center of my eye ; that is why I could only focus the first and last letter of the line . She also tells me that I need to move my laptop farther back from me , about 50 centimeters . She just gave me advice today on how to prevent the pain and to come back in six months for a recheck . The cost of the eye exam was under $ 10 . I know many people talk about how gringos are always getting ripped off or treated unfairly . This doctor did not try to do that . She was completely honest with me . Didn 't try to tell me my prescription had changed just so she could sell me a new pair of glasses to make a profit . Didn 't charge me anything extra at all , spent at least 40 minutes with me talking and going over everything . I feel very lucky to be where I am and to know the people that I know . Until Mañana , Pura Vida ! Well , we did take our car through Riteve , which is the annual inspection here . You have to have this done every year and it 's not expensive at all , under $ 20 . They checked pretty much everything on the car . They inspected the brakes , exhaust , windows , seatbelts , shocks , tread on the tires , oil , washer fluid , lights , and everything else you can think of . We failed . Turns out we had a hole in our exhaust system that we didn 't know about . So we went and got that fixed , it cost about $ 90 to get it all done . Took the car back , only $ 10 for the second time around , and we passed . I believe you have three chances to get your car through , I don 't know what happens after that . I am now affectionately calling our car " The money pit . " We just had the breaks fixed ( needed new pads on the front and the back ones cleaned ) , they started to squeak and we had our clutch fixed too , all this week . Total cost for repairs , and getting the oil changed was under $ 100 . I can live with that . I did go to the States for a couple of weeks and spent some time with my biological family . I had a great time , I stayed with my cousin . Her and I are so much alike it 's not even funny . We joke around and say that if I hadn 't been put up for adoption the family would have found a way to separate us because we would have gotten into so much trouble together . She even manages at a restaurant that I used to manage at as well , at least the same company , and know a lot of the same people . I 'm telling you , this apple didn 't fall too far from that tree ! She is planning a trip down here for next year and I can 't wait ! When I flew out , I changed my flight to fly out of Liberia instead of San Jose . Volcano Turrialba had been going off and many flights had been canceled . It only cost me an additional $ 40 to change my flight . I 'm cheap so I use Southwest . So , we decided to make a trip out of it and we got a hotel at Playa Hermosa and stayed the night there . We had a great time . We got up early Monday morning and headed out . Had a great lunch in Nuevo Arenal at a place called Paniagua . Great food and great people there . I definitely recommend it . Got up early Tuesday morning and headed to the airport . The Liberia airport is very easy to get around in and seems more tourist friendly than San Jose . But it does usually cost a little more . I did a little shopping while I was up there , some things are easier to find for me and some things are cheaper . I try to find the specialty items that I can 't find anywhere but there . My husband was quite happy when I got back , I was very happy as well . I don 't think I can live in air conditioning anymore . It was really bothering me up there , my lungs don 't like cold air . I made a trade with a friend of mine that found me a few weeks before my trip , I hadn 't heard from her in years . I was super happy that she finally got Facebook and was able to look me up . I traded her one of my paintings for some new paints . I did get to see her and we went to a wolf sanctuary in Indiana and I got to pet the wolves . It was amazing . Right before I left , one of my neighbors took all of my test results and my insurance card to the hospital for me with my referral for an endocrinologist through the public system . Basically what you do is that you get a referral from your local doctor , take everything to the hospital , the doctors review it , and then they give you an appointment . Some appointments can take several months , in some cases it can take a year or more . It just depends on the severity of the case . Well , my appointment was set for one month out ! They put me to the top of the list . I am a little nervous about all of this . We still don 't know if it 's cancer or not , but I am getting more swelling in the left side of my neck . I will just have to discuss with the doctor and go from there . I know I need surgery , there is no way around that . I just hope they schedule it soon . I have had many surgeries in my life , but I have never really been nervous about one until now . I did buy a couple of scarves while I was in the States so when I have the surgery I can cover the incision . I don 't want to walk around with people staring at me . All the animals are doing well in the house . Bruno was super happy when I came home . Nothing like having a 60 pound dog running at you smiling and wagging his tail ! I thought he was going to tackle me . Even the cats were happy to see me . Not a whole lot else going on really , been working on a new painting and this one is taking a while . I don 't want to rush this one . I went with a bigger canvas and I think I found it a little intimidating . We did have a few small tremors last Sunday night that put me on edge a little , and Volcano Turrialba blew her top again today . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! |
Sorry I haven 't been on here in a long time . For some reason I couldn 't get anything to post . So I have started a Facebook page if you are interested . Costa Rica Country Living , https : / / www . facebook . com / CRcountryliving / This is much easier for me to keep up with and use . Look forward to seeing you all there . Thanks . Yesterday afternoon I noticed a tumor on the side of my dog . This thing just popped up ! We are almost constantly petting him and giving him belly rubs ; he 's pretty spoiled really . So , I immediately called one of my vets and arranged to bring him in the following morning . He loves going for car rides , all we had to do today was open the door and say , " Let 's go ! " and he jumped right in . He 's really a giant baby . People are very intimidated by him because of his size , 77 pounds / 35 kilos . He 's an American Staffordshire Terrier , so he looks a lot like a pit bull ; they are very close cousins . All this dog wants is to be loved on . We adopted him almost two years ago and he was extremely emaciated and very sick and he had been beaten . The person who had him wanted him to fight , but he just wanted to love . So we got him and he gets lots of love here . Everyone who gets to know him falls in love with him . Well , we get to the vet and she examines his tumor . She is a little worried at first as it is rather large and pretty solid , but it was still movable which was a good thing . She gives him some anesthesia and he slowly started getting sleepy . He didn 't even flinch when he got his shots , he was a perfect boy . I told my vet that I have never had a problem with anyone giving him his vaccinations and that he is special , she told me that he is very special . He put his head on my shoulder and started drifting off until he could no longer sit up and slowly laid down on the table . When he was pretty out of it she gave him a local to numb the area so she could get to work . She didn 't want to put him under completely so he could have a quicker recovery time . Five minutes later we are transferring him to the other room where she has everything set up to get the tumor out . She picks him up to carry him and he whimpers the entire way ! I have never heard him whimper before and I was almost in tears ! I just know that he was confused and didn 't know what was going on and scared . She laid him on the table and I spoke softly to him while petting his big block head . He drifted off even more , his eyes were closed and he was sleeping . She got to work right away . I stayed with him the entire time and my husband was in and out to check on him . He was like a nervous dad ! She got the tumor out and cut it open and looked through it and told me that it didn 't look like it would be cancerous . She suggested that we wait to do a biopsy . If he develops anymore we will have those removed and then biopsy it . I really trust my vet , she greeted Bruno with a big smile today and lots of pets and he even kissed her on the nose ! Just as she got him all stitched up he was starting to wake up . Great timing ! She sent her husband out to buy an ace bandage to put around him as she didn 't have anything long enough to fit around him . We gave him several minutes to look around and know that he was OK and to make sure he wasn 't going to freak out . The vet carried him out to the car for us and laid him gently in the back seat where Bruno slept the whole way home . I picked him up a new brush and a new collar today also . Total cost of everything , including antibiotic injections … under $ 70 ! My vet is an amazing woman and speaks great English . We giggle at each other when she can 't remember a work in English and I can 't remember one in Spanish . We work it out . I can really tell that she loves the animals and wants what 's best for them . I live in the Sarapiqui area and was extremely fortunate yesterday . We were predicted to get between 12 and 18 inches of rain and strong winds ; neither happened here . We were prepared though . We had plenty of bottled water , food , pet food , candles , flashlights , hand sanitizer , baby wipes , first aid kit , and some wine . The hurricane made a turn to the north and all we got was some rain , wind , and a few wind gusts . We were lucky , but other areas weren 't so lucky . Our power did go out for about three and a half hours , but that was it . We also made sure to have a full tank of gas in the car and the pet carriers at the ready . The towns to the north and on the northern caribbean side got the worst of it . The town of Upala was hit really hard . The scouts came by today asking for donations , the only thing that I had on hand was a giant bottle of water that I bought the other day and hadn 't opened . Normally when I get home I unpack things and put them in Tupperware containers because they come in bags and I don 't want to take the chance of the bag ripping open . I wish I had more to give . I 'm thinking of going to the store and buying some things and taking them down to our Red Cross , it 's just down the hill from my house . There are many towns in Nicaragua that got hit really hard as well . There are still some missing people in both countries and several deaths as well . It could have been worse . I am thankful that we were spared the worst of it . But I am sad for the others that have lost so much . You can make donations to the Red Cross of Costa Rica if you would like to help . This is their web page , but it is all in Spanish . http : / / www . cruzroja . or . cr / It started back in January , I had a little cough . It seemed to be worse at night when I was laying down in bed for some reason . This went on for about a week , I was thinking I just had a little cold or maybe some allergies to something . After all , I live in the tropics and we had foreign company that week . Then it felt like I had something stuck in my throat , just a little tickle in the back and it wouldn 't go away . This went on for a few days when it dawned on me that I should probably see a doctor because my thyroid is right there . As you all can tell I live in Costa Rica and our healthcare system is a one payer system . It can be very slow at times . But you can purchase private health insurance and you can visit a private doctor and / or clinic if you like . We do not have private health insurance , but I did go private for a lot of my tests ; so I use the two systems together . Using the public one payer system there is no out of pocket expenses . So , I go to my primary care physician and she feels around on my neck and tells me that she wants me to get an ultrasound done of my thyroid . She does suggest that I go and have it done privately so it will be done quickly . No problem . I go to a clinic and have it done for around $ 70 . I get the results right then and there , I get the images , and take everything back to my doctor . It does show a small nodule in my thyroid . She says she wants it biopsied . Again , I go private for this and it 's around $ 250 . I get the test results back in a few weeks with a suggestion of getting my thyroid removed because of the type of cells that were found ; Hurthle cells . This is when I really start doing some research on the subject . It seems that Hurthle cells are rare and even rarer if they are cancerous , it seems that I am rare . So , I decide to go to a private endocrinologist here in Costa Rica . Cost for an office visit was $ 100 without insurance . He orders some tests , another ultrasound , and can 't figure out for the life of him why they would want to remove the nodules when they are so small . I 'm already put off at this point with him after hearing him say that . But I get the tests done and send him the results . Blood work was actually fine and the new ultrasound showed another small nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid . Private endo still wants to wait . In the meantime I am waiting on getting in with the public system so I don 't have to pay anymore . I made a trip to the States to visit my family , this was back in June . Had a great time , my cousin and I took our kids on a road trip for their high school graduation . Got to see my sister , which is always important to me . Got back and got my appointment with the public system finally . By this time it is the end July when I finally get to meet with an endocrinologist . She was very nice and spoke pretty good English . She reviewed everything and set me up with what they call a thyroid clinic at the hospital . That appointment was August 11th . During this appointment I met with an oncologist , endocrinologist , pathologist , a surgeon , and about 12 interns as it is a teaching hospital . I liked the idea of meeting with everyone at once . This kept everyone on the same page at the same time and I didn 't have to go to multiple doctors appointments and it saved a lot of time . The decision was made that yes I would have surgery . We just didn 't know when . So , my husband and I ran all over the hospital getting all the paperwork ready and I got on the waiting list for surgery . I also got another appointment for another ultrasound , this appointment was in October . In the meantime , I 'm trying not to freak out too much . This is a lot to take in , still didn 't know if it was cancer or not at this point either . A good friend of mine talked me into going up to Florida to see if I could get the surgery done there any quicker . I went to an endocrinologist in Florida who told me not to worry about anything because the nodules were small and it was probably just papillary thyroid cancer and those nodules are very slow growing . This doctor had all of my tests results and was bilingual , so he could read Spanish , and no where did it say papillary only Hurthle ! I was so angry . His suggestion was to come back in six months and he would do a genetic test on it to be sure . This doctor reminded me of all the stories that I have read on the support pages about how doctors don 't listen to their patients at all , I was in tears when I left there . So , I came back home . Somewhere along the line I actually lost the order for my next ultrasound . I have no idea how I had done this . But , I had taken a picture of it on my phone ! So , I went private . Again , I paid the $ 70 for the ultrasound and the doctor was very nice . She explained everything to me that she was looking at … well , almost everything . My husband was right there with me the entire time like he was for every other test . I get the results and head back to my primary care doctor to see if she can get them to the hospital for me . It turns out that she can 't get them to the hospital for me and that I have to take them myself . This is a two hour drive each way . But , the results now show that I do have cancer . So much for those doctors telling me not to worry about anything . My husband and I decide to take the results down on a Friday and drop them off . I get to my endocrinologists office and wait for the door to open so I can hand him the results . He looks at them and then looks at me and asks , " You still haven 't had surgery yet ? " Nope , I 'm still waiting for them to call with an opening . He told me to come with him that he was admitting me right then and there ! He said this was not waiting and couldn 't wait and yes it is cancer . I was starting to freak out at this point . I like to be prepared for things and I was not prepared for this at all . I went in on Friday afternoon to the hospital and had my surgery on Tuesday . All of the nurses and doctors were very nice and treated me very well . The food was terrible though ! If I ever eat rice and beans again it will be too soon . My surgeon told me that the surgery went beautifully and I actually got to come home the following day on Wednesday . I was super happy to be home . After all , I was only home for a few days from Florida before I went into the hospital . My poor cats and dogs were freaking out when I got home again . It 's been a week since I had my surgery and I got my stitches out of my neck today . I told my husband I could be Frankenstein 's monster for Halloween now . I did get a secondary infection after I got home , which seems common for me to do ; I have had many surgeries in my life . I am now taking my medication everyday and I will have to continue to take it everyday for the rest of my life if I want to live , which I do . I will go back for some blood tests pretty soon to monitor my hormone levels and to see if anything needs to be changed . I will have to continue getting ultrasounds every so often also to check for any regrowth of any tumors . This battle may be over , but the war still rages on . It 's an ongoing war with this , many people are never right after the surgery and so many more people don 't understand what they are going through . The thyroid is a very important little organ and it controls so much in your body , once it 's gone it can be very difficult to get balanced again . They call thyroid cancer the " good cancer " , but there is nothing good about it . You still have to try to live , take medicine everyday for the rest of your life , hope you can get it balanced . Many doctors won 't listen to their patients about it either , I 'm glad that mine is listening . I told her today how much I appreciate her . So please , if you know someone who is going through , or who has gone through a thyroidectomy for cancer … be patient and understanding with them . Listen to them because many feel like no one is listening . Many get left behind by friends and family because they just don 't have the energy anymore to do the things that they once loved doing . We feel tired , all the time , no matter what we do or don 't do . I 'm just starting my journey and I have a long way to go with it . But I am learning , and I have found support with my thyca sisters and my husband . I hope to paint again soon because that is what I love to do . So , today I got up at 5 : 20 in the morning . Brushed my teeth , let the dog out , got dressed , and then headed down to the clinic to make a doctors appointment . They open at 6 am and it 's first come first serve and the first appointment is at 7 am . There was already a line when I got there at 5 : 35 am . I got my appointment for 8 , but they assign four people to each hour slot and I was in the last slot so my appointment was really closer to 9 . That was good because that meant I could go by the bakery and get some pastries and then come home and have some coffee with my husband . I get down to the clinic and wait to be called , they checked all my vitals and I went to wait again for the doctor . I really like my doctor I have here . She very nice , patient , understanding , and knows a lot of English . I told her everything that was going on , she went over my biopsy report again to refresh her memory ; after all she sees a lot of people . I told her about the pain I am having and how my voice is getting worse . She listened to my lungs , felt my thyroid , and then we talked . With the way the system is , her hands are kind of tied right now . She can 't send me in through the emergency department unless I can 't eat or drink . She may be able to if the pain becomes unbearable though . So , back to the waiting game . I ended up finally breaking down and crying , which caused more pain . I think this is the first time that I have actually cried about it . I told her that I have been trying to stay strong for my family and not letting them know how freaked out I really am about the whole thing . She said that they should be strong for me . I did agree , but I have always been this way and for many years I was a single mom and had to be strong for the kid . She asked me how I was sleeping , I told her not well . Not only does my neck hurt but I have back problems too . I will be sleeping good tonight with what she prescribed for me . We went over my allergies again , that list keeps getting longer . I 'm allergic to almost all narcotics , fish , and cherries . The older I get , the more allergies that seem to be developing . That is something else we will have to look into after the thyroid gets taken care of because it 's sounding like an autoimmune type of disease . Anyways , I got my meds and a shot in the hip and was on my way home . Total time was about two hours , the pharmacy is right inside the clinic so that saves a trip . Total out of pocket expense today , $ 0 . Yup , everything is covered . I get back home and tell my husband everything that happened . He said he wish he would have gone with me so he could have drove back after my shot . It kind of hurt to clutch on the way home . He gave me a big hug and held me for a long time ; he then asked where I would like to go Pokemon hunting today ! That made me laugh and put a smile on my face . Yes , I have been doing the Pokemon Go , but only to get more Pokemon than my daughter . I told him maybe tomorrow as my butt still hurts and I got up early today . So here I am with a large cat in my lap cuddling on me and purring , I think he is trying to cheer me up also . But I do wonder what is going on my area , two of my neighbors had their thyroids removed and I met another lady today who is having problems . Makes me wonder , but my biological mother had hers removed and I grew up close to a uranium processing plant that leaked . I think I was doomed from the start . Oh well . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! The hospital I go to is in Heredia . I haven 't been to any other public hospitals here . So , again I can only tell you about my experience yesterday . Yesterday was my appointment to meet with a bunch of doctors about my thyroid issues . I have at least two tumors in it , maybe more . So we get up at , " I shouldn 't have even gone to bed " o ' clock and have coffee . Feed the cats and dogs and head out . My appointment was at 7 but you always have to be there at least 15 minutes early to show all of your paperwork and it 's about a two hour drive for us . We get to the hospital and my husband drops me off at the front while he goes and finds a place to park . We ended up getting there a lot earlier than anticipated , but that 's all good . Now , the last time I was there I remember seeing a sign for the thyroid clinic on the forth floor of building C . So , I go there first . Nope , wrong place . OK , we head to building B and ask the guard . We are in the right building but we need to wait to be called up and they will take us up in a group to the third floor . The third floor is the patient floor and it is a secure floor , no one is just allowed to walk in ; I like that . We get called up at 7 and head up with a lady and her family . I was the first one to go in for the meeting at 7 : 30 . There were a total of 16 doctors and medical students in the room . It was a little overwhelming . My endocrinologist was there , a pathologist , an oncologist , a surgeon , and I 'm not sure who else . What they do is they get all the specialist together to meet with the patient and go over their case and decide as a group what should be done . It really speeds things up , I don 't have to go all over town to different specialists for different things . They are all there together communicating with each other . They ask me a few questions , feel my thyroid , talk , and then have me wait back out in the hall . Next they called in the other lady . I wait for her to get done and then for the doctors to discuss everything on our cases . The students leave and only one doctor stayed , he called me back in to discuss what the plan is . I am going to have surgery . With the type of cells that were found in my biopsy they want to get the tumors out . That is going to be the only way to know for sure if it is cancerous or not . These cells can go either way . Now , when I went to a private doctor , he wanted to wait ; saying that the tumors were too small and it was nothing to worry about . These doctors want to get it out sooner than later . From there we went back to the other building and up to the forth floor . Now that we are back in building C we wait to get a paper stating that I am in need of surgery and with what doctors . I take this down to the first floor to get it stamped . After finding out where exactly to take it I get it stamped I take it up to the third floor . At this point we are getting some exercise . I finally found where to go on the third floor and take my paperwork to the window . The guy then tells me that he doesn 't have my file and needs it ; now it 's back up to the forth floor . I get my file and then back down to the third floor . He lets me know that it 's going to be 15 minutes before he can do anything . OK , we went outside for a smoke . We finally get my file back and have to take it to a nurse where she checks my vitals and then tells me to wait . I have no idea what I am waiting for at this point . My name finally gets called and I meet one on one with my surgeon . ( Ah , that 's why I was waiting . ) So , I finally get to talk to my surgeon and find out exactly what is going to happen . They are going to remove at least half of my thyroid . I need to get another ultrasound done first though to see if they need to remove the entire thyroid . I really wasn 't expecting this . But now I know . From there I have to go back to building B and talk with admissions about when I can get in . Unfortunately this is the only public hospital for my entire province . I am on a waiting list and they will call when they have an opening for me . I do know that I am put on the fast track which moves me to the top of the list because of possible cancer . But at least I know I will get it taken care of without any out of pocket expenses . I would hate to think what all of this would have cost me in the States even with insurance . Especially with all of the doctors that I met with . Next it was off to building A to make my appointment for my ultrasound . I go up to the guard who gives me a red number and I take a seat and wait for my number to be called . I noticed that there were different colored numbers , red is priority . My appointment is for next week , which means another long trip to Heredia ; but at least I don 't have to get up as early . The lady told me that they are open from 7 - 1 and I can come anytime during then . I was listed for the 7 - 8 time slot , but when I told her where I lived she said it wasn 't a problem to come later . Thank you ! So , we hit all three buildings at the hospital . Met with an entire team of doctors , got myself on the waiting list for surgery , got my appointment for my ultrasound , and didn 't pay anything out of pocket . No co - pays , no deductibles . Our monthly premium is based on our income here , so we don 't pay a whole lot . This will be my second surgery here , the first was an emergency appendectomy . All of the doctors have been super friendly and so has the staff ; including the security guards . It 's like a one stop shop for all of your medical needs . They even have a pharmacy there for people to pick up their prescriptions before leaving the hospital , so no leaving the hospital and driving to another pharmacy and waiting for your prescriptions . They system isn 't perfect , but I find that it works . It may be slow at times , but at least I know I 'm not going into debt that I won 't ever be able to repay . I know that if I do have an emergency I will be taken care of also . When all was said and done we were out of there around noon . Then we headed to Walmart for junk food . I didn 't find exactly what I was looking for , but that 's OK . We got some pastries to eat in the car while we watched the kids in the skate park practicing their skate boarding . It was really neat to watch . From there we headed home and I didn 't make any wrong turns while leaving the city . About half way home there is a gift shop up in the mountains , which it was pretty cold up there for me . I wasn 't expecting my husband to stop , but he did . They have these hammock chairs that I really like ; I have one but wanted another one . The last time we checked they were asking 25 , 000 colones for them ; we decided that was too much . This time we asked and they were asking 22 , 000 for them . But the one I liked was outside on display . They lady told me that since it was the display on she would give us a discount on it ; we got it for 20 , 000 . I was quite happy with that . This one is a lot longer than the first one I bought . So , after this already really long day my husband comes home and gets out the ladder to try to shorten the chain that my other hammock chair was on . It was still too long . I tie some knots in it and now it is perfect ! It is so much more comfortable than the other one . I will only let you sit in it if I really , really like you ! So , that was my day yesterday . It was a long day , but I feel that it was productive and I feel that I got a lot of answers . Now , we just wait for the call . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! Really , it was a simple and painless process . Probably the easiest thing we have done here having to do with the government . You also must remember that my blog is based on my personal experiences for the area that I live in . We went to Guapiles to renew our license as it is the closest place for us . First we went and got our physicals at a local doctor in the town we live in . Next , we paid the fee of 5 , 000 colones each at Banco Nacional . Our physicals were 20 , 000 colones each . We made sure to keep our receipts from the bank , as you will need those . We also got copies of our physicals , called Dictamen here , they did want to see that as we entered to get in line . We got up early today so we could get a good place in line , when we got there I would guess that there were about 7 - 10 people ahead of us . But the lady looked at my husbands birth date on his license and realized that he is 66 years old so he gets to go to the front of the line . Now , also , my husband is 3 / 4 deaf and is lucky to hear me half of the time . ( But I still love him . ) I explain this to the woman at the gate that I needed to translate for him . So I got to go with him ! We went first and we were both in and out in less than 15 minutes . The lady asked for all of our paperwork , our current drivers license and our cedula 's . She made sure our address was still the same , phone number , and e - mail address , took our picture , we signed , and had our finger print done . That was it . Super easy ! From there we did our normal monthly shopping in Guapiles . There are some things cheaper there than they are in the town we live in , and we have to go there every month to make the house payment . Stocked up on cat food and got to see the vets cat , I remember when she got the cat and it was a tiny kitten , now she is full grown and beautiful . Stopped by one of the bigger supermarkets to stock up on coffee and salsa and a few other small items . From there we did our monthly trip to Paqueño Mundo , it 's basically like a Big Lots in the States . I can find my canvas there for really cheap . We had to wait a few minutes for them to open and when they did they had all of their front of the house staff there greeting everyone as they came in , I found that to be very nice . From there we headed back to our area and made the car payment . A simple day , but we got a lot done . Everything is paid for the month now . It got super hot today and now we have some thunder off in the distance . It 's been a busy week for me , I 've been doing a lot . I have been participating in GISHWHES . If you don 't know what that is , I encourage you to look it up . It 's rather interesting . I can 't post anything I 've done yet , I may do that next week after the contest ends . But I think my entire town now thinks I 'm insane . I 've made a lot of people smile and laugh though . GISHWHES is partnered with Random Acts which is a wonderful charity organization . Next week I go for my doctors appointment . I will update you all on that when I can . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! We got up at 4 am and I hate getting up early . Had our coffee and got ready to head out to the hospital for my appointment with an endocrinologist through the public system . The hospital is at least a two hour drive away , and over lots of mountains . It was still dark when we left , had a little misty rain in the mountains , drove through the clouds , and it was cool ; it was actually below 60 degrees . We get to the hospital a little after 7 am . We finally find where I need to go for my appointment . They tell that I need to go back downstairs first for something , they needed to make a file for me and I guess they only do that in one area of the hospital . No problem , I finally get that down and head back up to the forth floor . Next I see the nurse who checks my vitals , weight , and actually measured my waist . Never had that done before . Then I go out in the hall and wait to be called back . My appointment was set for 8 am , by this time it was pretty close to 8 . I think what they do is schedule several people for an hour and call them back in order that they arrived . I got called back close to 9 ; I was glad I took my Kindle with me . The doctor was very nice and she had two students with her . She speaks better English than she gives herself credit for . She went over all my tests results that I have had done and compared the two different ultrasounds results . I found it kind of funny when she asked if I had ever had any surgeries . I have had at least 12 of them . I might of missed a couple though . ( I think I am trying to see what I can live without . ) She was going to do a consult on the spot with another doctor , but he wasn 't in . So , I go back in two weeks and meet with a pathologist , a surgeon , and a thyroid specialist . Yes , I am going to have another surgery . I 'm not really surprised . She told me my chances of having cancer are only at 20 % , I will take that . But the only way to know for sure is to remove all of the tumors and do a full biopsy on them . She was pretty thorough in the examination and I was out in no time . After that , my husband and I decided to make a trip to Price Smart , it 's like a Costco . I found our way to this one with no problems at all . I missed a turn or two when going to the hospital , but it wasn 't a big deal . My husband said that I have problems finding the hospital for my very important appointment but no problem finding a place to shop . What can I say ? I like to shop on occasions . I did find a new pair of shoes at a Payless next to Price Smart , I needed them . Also , we won 't have to buy toilet paper , napkins , coffee filters , or peanut butter for the next six months . We also got some of those snack pack pudding cups , the neighbors grandson really loves them . After that we were on our way home , it got a little rainy up in the mountains but not too bad . Finally made it home and we all took a nap . The dog was super happy to see us and so was my cat . We were only gone about 8 hours , but you know how animals are . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! I 've been going to the same optometrist now for about four years . I really like this doctor , she is a very nice and honest lady . I went to a different one last year and she couldn 't get my prescription right for some reason so I went back to the first one . Glad I did . She found a small cataract in my left eye that the other doctor didn 't find . I do have a referral for an ophthalmologist , but it is a ways out yet . A couple of days ago I started getting some eye pain . That usually only happens when I need new glasses . I was thinking it was kind of early because it had been just under a year since my last eye exam . I usually go about every two years , which was the recommendation of the last ophthalmologist I went to in the States . But with me getting older and knowing I have the cataract I thought I should get them checked out . I went back to my doctor in Ciudad Quesada . She asked me how my daughter was doing and how my husband was and if I had been back to visit the States recently . She only saw my daughter once before and that was over two years ago . I think the woman has a great memory . So she proceeds with the exam . During the exam she was trying to get my left eye focused , which is nearly impossible , and all I could see clearly was the first and last letter in the row . She was very thorough , gets the prescription ready and then compares it to my current glasses . She tells me that the prescription is still exactly the same . I am curious as to why I have been having the eye pain . She looks into my pupils and tells me that the cataract is getting a little bit bigger and it is in the center of my eye ; that is why I could only focus the first and last letter of the line . She also tells me that I need to move my laptop farther back from me , about 50 centimeters . She just gave me advice today on how to prevent the pain and to come back in six months for a recheck . The cost of the eye exam was under $ 10 . I know many people talk about how gringos are always getting ripped off or treated unfairly . This doctor did not try to do that . She was completely honest with me . Didn 't try to tell me my prescription had changed just so she could sell me a new pair of glasses to make a profit . Didn 't charge me anything extra at all , spent at least 40 minutes with me talking and going over everything . I feel very lucky to be where I am and to know the people that I know . Until Mañana , Pura Vida ! Well , we did take our car through Riteve , which is the annual inspection here . You have to have this done every year and it 's not expensive at all , under $ 20 . They checked pretty much everything on the car . They inspected the brakes , exhaust , windows , seatbelts , shocks , tread on the tires , oil , washer fluid , lights , and everything else you can think of . We failed . Turns out we had a hole in our exhaust system that we didn 't know about . So we went and got that fixed , it cost about $ 90 to get it all done . Took the car back , only $ 10 for the second time around , and we passed . I believe you have three chances to get your car through , I don 't know what happens after that . I am now affectionately calling our car " The money pit . " We just had the breaks fixed ( needed new pads on the front and the back ones cleaned ) , they started to squeak and we had our clutch fixed too , all this week . Total cost for repairs , and getting the oil changed was under $ 100 . I can live with that . I did go to the States for a couple of weeks and spent some time with my biological family . I had a great time , I stayed with my cousin . Her and I are so much alike it 's not even funny . We joke around and say that if I hadn 't been put up for adoption the family would have found a way to separate us because we would have gotten into so much trouble together . She even manages at a restaurant that I used to manage at as well , at least the same company , and know a lot of the same people . I 'm telling you , this apple didn 't fall too far from that tree ! She is planning a trip down here for next year and I can 't wait ! When I flew out , I changed my flight to fly out of Liberia instead of San Jose . Volcano Turrialba had been going off and many flights had been canceled . It only cost me an additional $ 40 to change my flight . I 'm cheap so I use Southwest . So , we decided to make a trip out of it and we got a hotel at Playa Hermosa and stayed the night there . We had a great time . We got up early Monday morning and headed out . Had a great lunch in Nuevo Arenal at a place called Paniagua . Great food and great people there . I definitely recommend it . Got up early Tuesday morning and headed to the airport . The Liberia airport is very easy to get around in and seems more tourist friendly than San Jose . But it does usually cost a little more . I did a little shopping while I was up there , some things are easier to find for me and some things are cheaper . I try to find the specialty items that I can 't find anywhere but there . My husband was quite happy when I got back , I was very happy as well . I don 't think I can live in air conditioning anymore . It was really bothering me up there , my lungs don 't like cold air . I made a trade with a friend of mine that found me a few weeks before my trip , I hadn 't heard from her in years . I was super happy that she finally got Facebook and was able to look me up . I traded her one of my paintings for some new paints . I did get to see her and we went to a wolf sanctuary in Indiana and I got to pet the wolves . It was amazing . Right before I left , one of my neighbors took all of my test results and my insurance card to the hospital for me with my referral for an endocrinologist through the public system . Basically what you do is that you get a referral from your local doctor , take everything to the hospital , the doctors review it , and then they give you an appointment . Some appointments can take several months , in some cases it can take a year or more . It just depends on the severity of the case . Well , my appointment was set for one month out ! They put me to the top of the list . I am a little nervous about all of this . We still don 't know if it 's cancer or not , but I am getting more swelling in the left side of my neck . I will just have to discuss with the doctor and go from there . I know I need surgery , there is no way around that . I just hope they schedule it soon . I have had many surgeries in my life , but I have never really been nervous about one until now . I did buy a couple of scarves while I was in the States so when I have the surgery I can cover the incision . I don 't want to walk around with people staring at me . All the animals are doing well in the house . Bruno was super happy when I came home . Nothing like having a 60 pound dog running at you smiling and wagging his tail ! I thought he was going to tackle me . Even the cats were happy to see me . Not a whole lot else going on really , been working on a new painting and this one is taking a while . I don 't want to rush this one . I went with a bigger canvas and I think I found it a little intimidating . We did have a few small tremors last Sunday night that put me on edge a little , and Volcano Turrialba blew her top again today . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! |
Maelle smoothed hand down the wrinkles in her old cotton dress which was almost rubbed bare in its wear . Still , it was the coolest thing she had to wear to pick peaches . As she climbed the ladder , her thoughts were sweltering in the heat and drowning in the headiness of the rich smell of the fruit . Her family was moving again . A few disgruntled people had rallied the ranks to put her father out of his pulpit over lies and deceptions . It wasn 't fair . He would not fight back to defend his integrity . Maelle 's mother and father may have felt resolved , but she did not . Her heart felt as hard as a peach pit . Inside that pit was a poisonous center . As she reached up through the leaves to find ripe peaches , she thought back to how she had snuck into the storage room off the platform to listen in to the church leader 's meeting . It was ugly . She had no idea how her father could stand to be attacked by the very people he had gently tended like lambs in his fold . Some were now like wolves ripping and tearing at the shepherd while he was meek as a lamb before the slaughter . It sickened her just to think about it . And it wasn 't the first time either . There always seemed to be someone in the churches he pastored who wanted to rip the reigns away and be in control . And the good people let them . Her bag was as heavy as her heart , so Maelle began climbing back down the ladder to put the fruit into the bushel basket . When she glanced down , she saw Mr . Levi Houston grinning up at her with his hands on his hips . She hopped from the last few rungs to the ground . Her bare feet landed on a root , slightly twisting her ankle . Maelle pulled down her hem not sure of how much leg she had been showing while reaching up into the branches . How dare he stand there like that ! " Your mother wants you to bring whatever fruit you 've got to the house so she can finish canning . " With that said , he took the full sack off her shoulder , dumped it into the basket . He then carried the heavy bushel and walked off ahead of her . His normal crisply ironed shirt was mussed and the sleeves were rolled up . she muttered . It was embarrassing to be caught in a compromising position and told what to do by Mr . High and Mighty who rarely graced them with his presence . Levi was a lawyer who worked a circuit in the surrounding counties . He and her father enjoyed sparing over politics and theology after enjoying a home cooked meal every once in awhile . Maelle felt small and young in his company . While she likewise partook of lively discussions with her father , she would never jump into their conversations , but only listened . Later , she 'd ask pertinent questions of her father about the issues raised . Limping behind him , Maelle picked twigs and leaves out of her braids and tucked loose strands of her chestnut hair behind her ears . Then she almost ran into the man when he abruptly stopped , turned and smiled down at her . " Did you know that I 'll be taking you and your mother in my buggy to your new church in Campbell while your father drives the loaded wagon ? There won 't be room for all of you and your things with him . It 's my home , you know . " It made Maelle wonder if he had anything to do with the timely invitation for her father to pastor a new congregation in that town . Had he pulled strings ? It surely wasn 't just a coincidence now that he mentioned his business there . She would have to ask her father later . As she entered the kitchen with Levi holding the door open for her , she hid her limp . The stove was radiating heat in waves . Her mother was dealing with the move by busily canning , putting up as much as possible before they left town . This past week Maelle had picked everything that she could salvage from the garden which she had hoed , planted , and weeded . The majority of the fruit of her labor would be left to others . Her mother had canned cherries , beans and tomatoes almost frantically . " Thank you , Mr . Houston for bringing in the peaches for Maelle , " her mother turned a heat - flushed face to smile at him . " Certainly . Well , you seem pretty busy so I 'll leave you to it before you rope me in to peel peaches . " He said it as he winked at Maelle . " I 'll go put the book I borrowed back in your husband 's study . " " I 'll gladly do that . " Normally she 'd work around the kitchen table , but instead just grabbed her mother 's largest bowl and carried it outside then lugged the bushel of peaches out after . This would give her more quiet to try to reign in her thundering thoughts . She wished she would have asked Mr . Houston what it was like in Campbell , their new home . Was it in a valley or up in the hills ? Was it larger or smaller than the town they lived in now ? What was the parsonage like ? Did they even have a parsonage or would they have to find a house to rent ? Then the man himself showed up on his way to the stable to get his horse . He paused beside her . " Mind if I eat one of those ? " " Help yourself , sir . " " Sir ? I thought we were a little better acquainted than that . You may call me Levi if I 'm allowed to call you Maelle , or would you prefer me to say , " Miss Scott ? " " Umm . Nothing better than a just - picked peach , " he said as he wiped juice off his chin with the back of his hand . When done , he tossed the pit far across the yard and washed his hands and face in the washpan by the door beside her . She watched the water dripping down and catching in his eyelashes . When he caught her looking , she got busy with her hands again . She began chattering in her nervousness . " It 's a good thing my mother put up plenty of cherries earlier since I don 't have any idea if we will have any peach or cherry trees where we 're going . " Maelle couldn 't help feeling downcast . " I think you 'll like it there . There 's lots of blackberry bushes , but I can 't guarantee you 'll find mature fruit trees on the property . I 'm sure you can find some friendly farmer who 'll let you pick all you want , if not . " She nodded with her head back down . " So is there a parsonage or will we be finding a house to rent , do you know ? " If they had to rent , it would surely be a very small place due to the meager salary a pastor received , one which couldn 't afford much at all . At least they weren 't a very large family with only her and her three brothers . Once they 'd lived in a two bedroom house where she 'd had to sleep up in the rafters where it was either too cold or too hot while her brothers crammed into a small bedroom with three to a bed . She hadn 't realized that she had sighed until he spoke . She looked up into the warm concern showing in his eyes . " I 'll honestly try . The last thing I want is to burden my parents with my discouraging attitude . " She tried to use the back of her hand to sweep away the hair that was plastered against her cheek , but was unable as her fingers were sticky with juice . Then she froze as Levi gently freed it and tucked it back behind her ear . " There . " He stepped back and used his own arm to wipe his damp brow while looking around as if he couldn 't find his horse . " I 'd better go , but I 'll be back soon enough to help your family load up and move . Please remember that it might be a pleasant surprise where you are going . " She shivered in the heat from his gentle touch when he swept back her hair . Her eyes followed him as he led his horse out of the small corral and mounted . He tipped his hat as he rode away . Maelle stared after him until the cottonwoods along the road hid him from sight . Her breath finally became more even after being caught in her chest . At least they would know someone in their new town , someone who liked her father very much . She felt a laugh bubble up at the thought that Levi enjoyed her mother 's cooking so much that he probably had orchestrated the move so that he could connive more invitations around their table . Her mother stuck her head out . " Are you almost done , sweetheart ? At least let me have the ones you 've already peeled . I 'll bring back the bowl . " Maelle found herself staring off lost in thought . Her friend Elizabeth would make much of Levi 's willingness to help her family . She 'd miss her , but since her friend was soon to be married , their relationship would have changed any way . It was hard to imagine her young friend in wedded bliss , but was sure that her intended was a good man . Soon Elizabeth would change from being a town girl to being a farmer 's wife . She shook her head at the thought of the unknown state of matrimony . Maelle was suddenly hit with the realization that when she married , she would most likely stay behind while her family moved away . Pastors always moved . Well , marriage was far from her plans . She picked up the bowl full of peeled peaches and took them to her mother . " You can clear off the table and set it for supper . I have a roast and potatoes in the oven and stirred up a mess of turnip greens there in that skillet for our last supper here . There 's a loaf of bread in the box you can slice as well . You might as well slice some of those peaches too . I 'm running out of canning jars anyway . " " Yes , ma ' am . " They bumped into each other as they hurried to finish their tasks . " Smells good ! And don 't those jars of peaches make a pretty picture lined up there . You 've been busy today . " Her father always tried staying positive with his words , especially to their mother who could find worry in every wrinkle of his brow . " Mr . Houston dropped by and left that book he 'd borrowed . He wanted to make sure it got packed with the rest of your library . It sure is decent of him to drive us all the way to Campbell , isn 't it . " Her mother responded . " He did let me know about the opening about a month ago . Your mother and I had been in prayer about it . Then in light of recent events , I thought it timely to answer their call . I 'm sure he gave me a good recommendation . The man also has taken it upon himself to arrange our housing since the church does not have a parsonage . He has been a good friend . " Maelle had a hard time swallowing and took a drink of water . They were in his debt for all he had done for them . She had no idea why unless he was so fond of her father 's preaching and friendship . " He told me once that after all the wrangling in court cases , he finds it peaceful here in our home , not to mention that your mother 's cooking has been appreciated by the bachelor . " Her father nodded at her mother who beamed . " Speaking of a young man , perhaps Maelle will find her future husband in this new place . Heaven knows there weren 't any decent men here who weren 't already taken , certainly not Henry Crenshaw . " " Dear , " her father patted his wife 's hand , " I 'm sure there is no chance of that . I 'm glad that our lovely daughter has shown sense enough not to rush into any undesirable relationship . I would be broken hearted if we were leaving her behind at this juncture of our lives . " " Tom , I understand that you hold Miss Crenshaw in high esteem . This could be a proving time cementing your relationship while you either learn a trade or further your education . Your mother and I kept our romance growing by correspondence when I went off to seminary , and you may as well after this move . " Logic or a reminder of what he deemed to be ancient history of their parents romance was not enough to change his sour attitude . He got up and stormed off , probably to go to Sarah Crenshaw 's house . If she knew Sarah , she 'd probably made his favorite pie for him anyway . " How well I remember those days as a smitten young man . However , he is still young , too young to have his attitude bridled it seems . I will speak to him later , dear , about his bad manners quitting your fine table . " Maelle , would not say it , but Sarah 's father Mr . Crenshaw 's leading part in the ramrodding of the pastor might have been motivated in an effort to run off his daughter 's suitor . It perhaps was easier to run off the whole family than to wrest his daughter 's infatuation away from the preacher 's son . People were not always moved by just or righteous motivations . She wished she could assure her parents that Tom would get over it , but he might not . In fact , she wouldn 't be surprised if he suddenly found an apprenticeship here to be near his precious Sarah . Maelle had seen him coming out of the printer 's shop just last week . He was clever enough to learn such a trade . Tom in fact was much like their father in his ability to read and craft a good essay and had always been at the head of his class . She supposed they would soon find out since they were to leave in just one more day . She washed dishes while her mother finished her last batch of canned peaches . Nothing made the woman happier than row upon row of canned produce . As for Maelle , nothing made her happier than being lost in a good book , preferably a novel ; however , in certain moods a book of poetry would suffice . She caught herself sighing again . Instead of reading , she had promised to attend to more packing . Empty wooden crates were stacked in the hallway waiting to be filled . Most of the furniture had been provided in the parsonage and would be left behind , but certain pieces were things passed down from both her father 's as well as her mother 's families . One of Maelle 's favorite pieces was the small bird 's - eye maple Federal desk in her bedroom . It had been her paternal great grandmother 's . Her mother did not care for its light finish so she was able to conscript it into her own use . The first thing she packed were her private papers from the shallow desk drawer , her writings . These went into the bottom of her carpetbag . She had only a small trunk with which to take her books and other things while her clothing was to be wrapped in her sheets like a mummy and penned . Once her room was readied for the move as much as possible , she went down to start packing the parlor . She made a nest of a crocheted throw and laid the mantel clock down carefully wrapping the pendulum with a quilting scrap . Time had stopped . If only life could be stopped as easily . And so she kept busy while her little brothers were out climbing the peach trees . They might be sick tomorrow by enjoying more of the fruit , but tonight their laughter rang out as the fireflies bejeweled the dusk . Her father was packing his own library of books in his study . It wasn 't a chore he was willing to consign to another , not even her . She stood in his doorway taking in the empty shelves that left her with a shudder . " Is there anything I can help you with , father ? " He straightened holding his back . " Just keep your good attitude . I do appreciate it and realize this is not easy for you . I was just thinking of Psalm 101 where it says , " I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way . I will walk within my house with a perfect heart . " Whatever man may say , God knows our hearts . Her cheeks heated . She only shrugged rather than open her mouth and either say a lie or confess what she had overheard at the church meeting . That knowledge would break his heart . What he couldn 't realize is that what made the move so hard for her , was that very meeting and the hardness of heart of those who were supposed to be fine Christian examples . Of course , he would rather shoulder all the problems by himself than share them with his family . Maelle was sure her mother did not even know the whole truth of it . She swallowed back another sigh . " Maelle ! " Her mother did not approve of the young man , but could not begin to know how much heartache he had caused her daughter . Still her mother was always careful not to offend . Maelle knew she was showing deplorable manners even to such a rat . " Good night , " Maelle called back over her shoulders and clomped heavily up the stairs ignoring her mother 's sputterings . For the first time in her life , Amelle doubted her prayers . Did the God who allowed such people to rule the church really care for her godly father and their family ? Did He really care about the slander that Henry 's carelessness with her reputation caused ? She knew such doubts were more from her weariness than from a true shaking of her faith . Maelle rubbed the tightness in her shoulders and determined that no matter what , she would say with Job , " My heart shall not reproach me so long as I live . " She felt herself shift from a young girl to a young woman as if it clicked in place in her very being . The early morning of the move arrived , and Levi Houston was there at the kitchen stoop . She let him in before he could knock . They were the only two up yet . His hair was more on end than laying down , and he wore common work clothes . She stared at him as he likewise took her measure in another threadbare cotton dress and a braid that had not yet been brushed and redone . " Coffee ? " She broke away to grab the pot , the last thing to be packed for the day . " I baked cinnamon rolls as well . Would you care for one even if you have to eat it with your fingers ? " " I haven 't met a cinnamon roll I didn 't like yet . Thank you . " He accepted the mug of coffee in one hand and the cinnamon roll in the other . Her father was just pulling up his suspenders as he walked into the kitchen snapping them in place . " I smelled the coffee . Thank you , Maelle for getting up early and making it . Your mother will be down in a minute . " He offered his hand to shake Levi 's then chuckled . " No , no , I can see your hands are full . I 'll go and do likewise . " She turned away and busied herself with what little there was left to do , embarrassed . When the men went to hitch up the wagon to pull it up by the door , she ran upstairs to retrieve her carpet bag . Earlier she had penned her clothes into her sheet . It looked like a corpse laying across her striped bed . Her quilt was neatly folded on top of her desk . Her father had promised to wrap it around her little desk to protect the mirror from cracking and the wood from scratches . Coming back down , she knocked on her brothers ' doors calling to wake them . The little boys came shuffling out yawning . " Tom , time to get up . " She knocked again . " Tom ? " She opened his door and found the bed neatly made . " Where 's Tom ? " Had he slipped out downstairs while she was momentarily in her room ? Her heart sank . She doubted he was anywhere around . On second look , his clothes were gone ; none were hanging from the pegs . It was true . He wasn 't planning on moving with them after all . " He 's not in the house . I think he might have something else planned other than moving with us . His clothes are gone along with the few books that he treasures . " " No , I just suspected he was thinking about this . He might have gone to stay at the printer 's or somewhere else , I don 't know . I 'm sure Sarah 's father would not welcome him to stay with them . " Her father looked sharply at her . She hung her head . She did not want him to know what she 'd heard at that meeting . He took a deep breath then called to his wife . It was embarrassing to have him hear about their family drama . Her heart was breaking . It was Sarah 's father 's doing that they were leaving , and yet her brother was staying . She gritted her teeth to keep from saying something she 'd be sorry about . Levi put a warm hand on her back , and commiserated , " I 'm sorry . This is hard . I left home at his age to strike out on my own . Sometimes the independent streak of a young man rules his thinking . But I 'd like to think I turned out alright in spite of myself , " he smiled with a reassuring look . " " I would guess that he has decided to stay , " she said quietly . Her mother squeezed her apron into a ball between her hands . " Oh , dear Lord , I hope not . " He looked between both his parents then his gaze landed on Maelle . That 's when she saw his pain . " Ma , I 've decided to stay here . Mr . Stoffer has offered me an apprenticeship at the newspaper and a room over the business . I think it is something I 'd really like to do . He promised that someday I could even begin to write some stories . " He took a deep breath . " I 'm sorry if I hurt you . I 'm sorry I did not discuss this with you both ahead of time . I love you and appreciate all you 've ever done for me as good and godly parents . However , this is the path I 've chosen . " The clench in his jaw said it all . Maelle was proud of her mother . She kept her chin up and allowed him to be the man - child he wanted to be . " We will miss you dreadfully , son . I can 't pretend otherwise , but that we wish you were going with us . I would say to give to Sarah a kiss for us , but that wouldn 't be a ' tall proper would it ? " and she winked at him . " Her father would run you right out of town , son . You be wise , " her father warned . " All we ask is that you love and serve God . " Her father patted Tom on the shoulder . He 's kindly offered to help us pack and see us off . " Then he went and put Levi 's horse back in the corral . Elizabeth kept busy carrying crate after crate out to the wagon avoiding looking at her brother quite yet . Her mother came out with the quilt she had made him neatly folded and held to her chest . " Here , son . I want you to take this . It is yours . I hope it will always remind you how much you are loved . " Maelle found herself wiping away a tear , but it was Levi 's eyes on her , not her brother 's that caught her . She went back in for more loads but realized they were already in the wagon . Instead she walked through the empty house . The settee , chairs , bedsteads and dressers remained like bare bones . The rest of their life was once again piled on the back of a wagon . She couldn 't wait to shake the dust off her sandals like the disciples were instructed to do in the New Testament . That thought gave her sly encouragement knowing that they had at one time felt just as she did . She was just finished sweeping the kitchen for the last time when upon hearing horses hooves , she went to the kitchen door . Sarah 's father Mr . Crenshaw and another deacon dismounted and shouldered past her . Henry Crenshaw was with them . " We just want to make sure you aren 't making off with anything that belongs to the church , " Mr . Crenshaw announced loudly . The man had the nerve to stare down her father as if he were a liar and a thief . " We 'll ask around . If anyone thinks differently , you 'll be hearing from us . " " Then you 'd be hearing from me next , gentlemen , if you press unfounded charges . " Maelle had never seen this side of the lawyer with such a stare as Levi gave the men . " If you are done , these good people are about ready to depart . Perhaps a prayer for them would be more appropriate . " " But you know the talk , Maelle . It will follow you wherever you go , but I 'm still willing . I 'll to right by you . " " If you have accusations against this young woman , than speak with her father now . Otherwise keep your peace rather than slander her good name . There are laws against that , you know . Duels have been fought for less . " " Henry ? " Her father cleared his throat and looked squarely at her accuser . The Good Book says in Psalm 101 , " whoso privily slandereth , I wilt cut off . " I 've heard it said that slander is a serpent with three tongues striking the one who the slander is against , the one who hears it as well as the one who says it . Tom shoved him on the shoulder . " Leave her alone , Henry . She 's refused you . You know as well as I do , what this is all about . Don 't make your problem , her problem . " Henry stalked off angrily . Her father muttered , " Some people you will miss more than others , while others you won 't miss at all . But I 'm sure I don 't know what all that dust up was about . " He shook his head . But her mother was in a huff and stomped her foot . " First the deacons practically accuse us of stealing then that . . . that toad tried to insinuate I don 't know what against our daughter ! Good riddance of the whole bunch . " She opened her mouth to say more , but her father caught her eye and so she shut her mouth . " Be careful , Tom . Her father can be dangerous . I can 't imagine he 'll be happy when he finds out you 've stayed behind . He 'll be breathing down your neck and might accuse you of all manner of evil . I didn 't tell you , but he almost single - handedly got rid of our father forcing us to move . I hid in the storage room and listened in to the meeting . Father doesn 't know that I heard it all . " Her brother looked at her with his eyes wide and his mouth dropped open . " Well , I 'll be ! Now that takes me by surprise even more than if that man grew horns . But I know what you are saying . I 'll be careful . I truly do want to learn to be a printer though and am excited about that . " Levi had returned with his team and buggy and helped her up first , then her mother . She couldn 't fail to notice that she was sitting in the middle close beside him . His arm brushed hers whenever he adjusted the reigns . Her father suggested , " You go on ahead . When your trail of dust settles then the boys and I will follow . Bye son . May God be with you . " Her mother waved her bonnet before putting it on so the brim could hide the tears falling freely . She tried to cry quietly , but a few sobs escaped now and then . The last thing Maelle could hear were her little brothers shrill voices wondering , " Where 's Tom ? Why isn 't Tom coming with us ? " Elizabeth was standing outside her father 's store waiting for her . She saw her friend 's eyes go round when she saw who she was sitting by and hoped she wouldn 't embarrass her . She purposefully had not told her that Mr . Houston would be driving her and her mother because she didn 't want to hear her speculations . " Do you mind waiting for a moment . I need to return a book to Elizabeth . " When her mother finally took a deep breath , she poked Maelle in the ribs . " What on earth was the cad talking about back there ? What rumor was he accusing you of ? " " Not now , mother , " she whispered . " I swear , it was nothing . You know how people talk . Of course I did nothing improper , I promise . Henry was just a pest , that 's all , cut from the same cloth as his father . " Maelle gritted her teeth as she thought of Mr . Crenshaw . " So I take it that he had asked to marry you ? And you turned him down ? Good . But I can 't believe he did this without even speaking to your father first ? How dare he ! " Maelle would never tell her mother how Henry had tricked her into following him into a barn at the Fourth of July town celebration , how he had tried to kiss her , but how she had managed to push him away and run out , how his friends had seen them and the rumors he 'd prompted them to spread in order to try and force her into marriage , a marriage she was not the least in favor of . Now she loathed the man . Just the thought of his kisses made her wipe her lips off involuntarily . Her head spun just thinking about what Sarah had confided , that Henry had gotten a rancher 's daughter in the family way in the next county over and was trying to force the marriage to Maelle so he wouldn 't have to marry the other unfortunate young woman . She heaved a disgusted sigh . " It 's a good four hour drive by buggy , but only three hours by horseback . It 'll take your father longer since a buggy can travel faster than a heavily loaded wagon . That will give you two time to assess the house and decide where you want things . " When she dared to glance at him his eyes were twinkling with mischief , but she dropped his arm as if it were a burning log . Still his heat radiated against her , and she could not move away . Her mother seemed oblivious beside her . She felt a headache starting . It traveled up between her aching shoulder blades , past her neck stiff from holding her head up high so long , until the tension began building in her temples . She rubbed her neck . He kept looking at her . " Do you need to stop and take a break ? Like I said , we 'll get there a lot sooner than your father . " " No thank you . " What was worse than a headache was avoiding his solicitousness , and from wanting to lean her weary head up against his shoulder . " Ma ' am , how about you . Are you doing alright ? " " There are four bedrooms upstairs and my bedroom downstairs . Then there is a small study off the parlor . It will be available for your husband since I have no need for it as my office is downtown . " Maelle was shocked . She felt wooden sitting beside him . How had no one thought to mention this before ? They were moving into his home ? How awkward was that ? " How long have they been without a pastor , and did the last pastor leave on good terms with the congregation ? " She was being bold , but wanted to know . Her mother kept quiet wanting to know just as badly . He looked down and caught her eyes . He calmly answered as if trying to soothe her fears , " The last pastor 's health broke . He was dearly loved , was offered a small place to retire there , but chose instead to go live with his son and daughter - in - law in another district . You 'll find it 's a loving congregation . " It was all Maelle could do not to snort . She was yet to see such a thing . Even if there were good people aplenty , they usually acquiesced to the stronger , more controlling personalities . Meek and mild they may be , but every flock had its wolf just lurking . It only took one or two to devastate them . And the good shepherd laid down his life for his sheep , at a great cost to his family she might add . It was enough to make her grind her teeth . However , a welcoming committee was waiting when they arrived . The house was sparkling clean , and the church had surprised them with a food pounding . Groceries were laid out in piles all over the kitchen counter and in bags mounded up on the floor . They were certainly generous . And the house ! Maelle looked around . They had never lived in a finer place . She especially liked the wrap around porch that offered shade . Her mother soon turned into a soldier and had everything put away in its place in the kitchen and was ready for the wagon to arrive . It wasn 't long after that it could be seen pulled by plodding horses in the distance . Her little brothers were bouncing on the seat . The only fly in the ointment was that there was a certain young woman , who seemed to take an instant dislike to her . It was mutual . The woman hovered around Levi and hung on his arm like a leech so that he was unable to unload more than a couple of boxes . Fine . Plenty of others pitched in . If Levi had a sweetheart , that was one thing , but did it have to be with this simpering fluff ? Yes , she was pretty , well , beautiful with her golden hair done up just so . Even she had to give her that credit . Maelle 's best Sunday dress could not compare to the one this woman wore to an unpacking party . Maelle was very conscience that she was wearing a well - worn dress for the move . She 'd only thought of the work , not dreaming that the new congregation would be waiting for them . Of course Miss Esther Swanhurst did not lift a finger . When Levi walked by Maelle and placed his hand on her back as he bent over to answer a question , she thought the woman would shoot her dead if she 'd had a weapon handy . No doubt , they were swore enemies even though they 'd hardly been introduced . It was all Maelle could do not to grab onto Levi 's other arm just to witness the fit of apoplexy that it would cause . It made her laugh just thinking of it . He shouldered a box and walked toward the kitchen . " Just that she left people she held dear behind . " Then he whispered as he walked past Maelle again , " And some not so dear . " Her ear was warm with his breath . So many kind women had hugged her and her mother that she felt squeezed like a sack of flour ready to burst . When her father had pulled in with the wagon , the horses were unhitched for him and led away to be tended . Their things were soon unloaded with many hands making light work . The women of the congregation in the meanwhile had a spread waiting for them , something between a late dinner and an early supper . So Maelle set an extra plate . It was such a strange feeling to know he lived here as well , that this was his house . No wonder Miss Swanhurst was jealous . However , he traveled so often on his circuit that he would be gone much of the time . No wonder it made sense to share his home . There may not have been fruit trees on the place , but there was a nice stream with plenty of shade trees growing along side it not far away . Sometime she would take her brothers out from underfoot so they could fish . But it would not be long before she would seek out her own favorite place to hide up in a spread of branches , a place where she could read or just think . Indeed , they were all pleased at their new church . The boys seemed to adjust to the new school , and Maelle saw how quickly her mother seamlessly fit in . She might not have found a friend like Elizabeth yet , but people were friendly enough . Her father had never been happier . She helped her mother with chores every morning , but had a couple of hours in the early afternoon to herself every day . It was hard to believe how quickly the weeks passed turning into months . When Levi was in town , he fit in nicely around the table and afterwards in either in the study for discussions with her father or in the parlor enjoying a game of checkers with the boys . The awkwardness she 'd worried about never happened . She even enjoyed discussions on books with him . He offered some for her to read opening up her world a little more with each one . A few weeks later , Maelle had taking a book up into a tree where she liked to read in its deep shade . Autumn had not cooled the temperatures yet , so she found relief in the cool breeze that blew through the trees . However , on this day she heard men 's voices . It was too late to climb down without being discovered in such an unlady - like position so she tucked her skirts up around her ankles and kept still . It was Levi and his law partner . At first she was afraid they had come to fish and that she would be stuck up in the tree for hours . But it was a relief to find them just on a stroll away from the office . The men walked out of her hearing . It grieved her to admit that Miss Swanhurst was exceedingly beautiful . Her hair was the prettiest Maelle had ever seen , like spun gold in comparison to her dirt - colored locks . She flashed back to a memory of when her brother Tom had once teased her that her braids looked like the furrows of a plowed field . He 'd said that her hair was the same color as the rich dirt , and that if he stuck his fingers in there , he was sure he could fight nice fat fishing worms for his hook . Her little brothers had begun hooting and sticking their grubby fingers in pulling her neat braid apart . When she 'd begun to cry , Tom felt bad and said , " Ahh , I was just kidding , Maelle . Your hair is pretty . " But she knew better . Of course , Levi would court someone like Miss Swanhurst . She would be an ornament on his arm , exactly like he deserved . After courting came marriage , and then her family would be displaced . Maelle sighed then climbed down . The day got worse . When she walked in the door , she found her mother wringing her apron while her father was reading a letter to her with a grim look . " Here , Maelle , you need to read your brother 's letter . " Her father handed it to her . I am rather enjoying learning to use the printing press . My hands will be perpetually ink - stained . However , I am writing to let you know that Sarah has run off . After her father refused to let her see me any more , with veiled as well as outright physical threats to me as you can imagine , she was distraught . As humbling as it is to admit , it evidently was not so much about wanting to be with me , but desperation to get out from under her father . When the threshing crew came the next week , she took up with one of the men from another county south of here . When the crew left , she disappeared to go with them . She is married now . Oh well . My heart will catch up with my head one of these days when I think about her . Right now I am furious with her father . If only . . . But thanks for the warning , father . I will be careful around Mr . Crenshaw . He 's still out for blood , and who knows who his target will be . " Maelle covered her mouth hoping to keep a cry from escaping . Behind every one of his words , she felt his pain . Her poor , poor brother . How unworthy Sarah was of him . She felt that stone in her heart rubbing again with a hard , heavy ache . " He 's all alone , " was all she could say . A plan was forming in her mind . She would go see him , stay with him until she was sure he was alright . The very next morning , she packed her small carpet bag and left a note . Maelle was glad she had managed to save the egg money her mother had allowed her to keep . It was enough for a ticket on the stage . If she would ask permission , her parents would surely not allow such a trip , a woman alone . Standing on the boardwalk waiting for the stage , she was on edge hoping not to be discovered before she could leave . However as she waited , she watched a golden haired woman prance down the boardwalk with a covered plate in her hand going into the lawyer 's office . Miss Swanhurst certainly was up early trying to be the bird that caught the worm . Maelle knew it was mean - spirited , but she hoped Levi would choke on whatever was on that woman 's plate . After all , the man certainly had enjoyed her sweet rolls this morning , eating two of them in fact . The ride in the stage was so very much more unpleasant than the journey had been in Levi 's buggy . The arms she now brushed up against kept her stiff and uneasy . The dust blew in , but the slight breeze was better than the stifling , smelly heat trapped inside the carriage . Good manners aside , she covered her nose with her lavender scented hankie for most of the way . Surprisingly , she found herself a bit queasy with motion sickness , either that or overcome by the stench around her . It was a great relief to finally arrive . The men burst out ahead of her before she could climb down . " She 's so sick while . . . " he coughed to hide his indelicate confession , but went on in a whisper , " being with child , that the poor thing can 't get out of bed . I 'm worried about her . She hasn 't been able to keep anything down . I have to work in the field , but the doctor said I needed to find someone to stay with her until she 's better . Can you come ? I haven 't been able to get anyone else to come help . Not even her own mother can come until later . " " Certainly , Edgar . My brother Tom doesn 't even know I 'm here , so I can go right now , at least for a few days . I 've come to see him , but that can wait if Elizabeth truly needs me . " Edgar grabbed her carpet bag and walked in long hurried strides to his wagon . Maelle could hardly keep up . It wasn 't long before she was out of town and at Elizabeth 's bedside . Her friend indeed did look pale . Edgar called out , " I 've left your bag inside the door , but I have to get back to work while there 's still daylight . " " I didn 't know it would be like this . " Her friend was almost crying . " I 'm here now and can stay a few days . Edgar said that your mother will be here after that . Let me go see if I can find you something to eat . Does anything sound tempting at all ? " " One of your sweet rolls sounds good , but by the time they are baked , I might have changed my mind . Henry has kept a broth warm on the back of the stove . I detest it right now , but the doctor said I must try to drink a little at a time to keep up my strength . I get so nauseated and light headed when I get up that I keep to this bed most of the time . Oh , and the smell of his dirty clothes is overwhelming , not to mention the smell of frying bacon . Just the thought . . . " Elizabeth bent over the pail beside her and retched . " See what I mean ? " " I 'm so sorry , Elizabeth . This is terrible indeed . Here let me take care of that . Will you need it again soon or can I go empty it for you ? " There were chores aplenty . Maelle followed the stench and soon discovered a pile of dirty clothes behind the bedroom door and began boiling water for a wash . While she waited , she attacked the pile of dirty dishes in the sink . It took many trips from the well to haul in enough water . She was exhausted when she realized that Edgar would be probably be back soon to eat a lunch of some kind . She looked in the cupboards , then went out to the springhouse . There she found a ham that she could slice lunchmeat off and bake for dinner . In fact , outside there was an old clay and stone oven left from the earlier homesteaders that she could build a fire in . That way the house would stay cooler and the smells would not permeate the inside She carried the ham inside to slice some for their lunch , then went back out to build a small fire in the oven that would slowly heat the rest of the ham . " I think I was able to sleep so soundly just knowing you were here , Maelle . This means the world to me to have your help . " Tears were dropping from her friends eyes . " Don 't worry about me crying . Women get more emotional , my mother told me , when carrying a child . It 's just how it is . " He came in , kissed her on the lips without hesitation and took his wife 's small hand in his own . Elizabeth 's eyes lit up in return with a trembling smile . It was enough to make Maelle turn her head as if intruding upon their private moment so full of love that it pricked a longing deep inside that she didn 't even know was there . Someday . Someday love will come , she thought . She thought of the vow they 'd exchanged , " In sickness and in health . . . " Then Edgar turned as if just noticing her there . " I saw the laundry on the line . Thanks . I also noticed the outside oven going . That 's a good idea . The smell of cooking in here really bothers her . I don 't know why I didn 't think of it before . We 've never used it . The thing was here when I bought the place . Thanks for everything , Maelle . You are a lifesaver . " Elizabeth 's mother kissed her daughter on the cheek then turned and gave Maelle a warm hug . " Thank you , dear . What a blessing you have been . We had something come up at the mercantile that required my attention , and I couldn 't get away sooner . I was so surprised to hear you were back in town . " " Ahh , yes . How unfortunate he was to fall for a Crenshaw , and then the girl has the audacity to run off with who knows who . That family ! But I best not say more or I might lose my Christian graces . " It was even better than that when the man offered to take her after the midday meal . It took no time at all to stuff her things back into her bag . With a hug to her friend and a wave to Elizabeth 's mother , she climbed unassisted onto the wagon seat . " Elizabeth wants more crackers . She can really go through a barrel of them it seems . It 's about the only thing she likes right now except for a nibble of your sweet rolls . At least she leaves most of them for me , which I don 't mind a bit . They certainly have been a treat . " He smiled down at her . Edgar was a big man , huge , in fact . It always put a laugh inside her that little Elizabeth fell for a giant , big bushy beard and all . Her mind instantly pictured a different man , almost as tall but much leaner , hair and face always trimmed . She thought of his slender hands holding the reigns instead of Edgar 's sausage - fingers . She sighed and wondered what treat Miss Swanhurst had brought him that morning a few days ago and if he liked it as much as her sweet rolls . " Maelle ! " He swung her down from the wagon seat . " No one knows where you 've been . We were all so worried about you . I 've just come from asking your brother again if he 'd heard from you and was going to send your parents another telegram . The sheriff was getting ready to put together a search party . . . " Levi tugged her around the corner of the building out of sight and pulled her into a tight embrace . " Edgar found me as soon as I stepped off the stage . Elizabeth has been so sick , and he was desperate for me to come help . I thought it was no harm done since Tom didn 't even know I was coming . . . " Then he kissed her . Her eyes went round in shock before they closed to surrender melting into his arms . For her first kiss , it was a worthy of a blue ribbon ! He whispered her name again and tightened his embrace before letting her go . Suddenly she came to her senses and shoved him away . " That kiss had nothing to do with any concern over me . You are just taking advantage of my innocence , Mr . Houston . I happen to know that you are courting Miss Swanhurst , and I won 't have you kissing me here in this town while she is waiting for you back in Campbell ! " she hissed . Maelle didn 't even know she was crying until he wiped the tears off her cheeks . " Whatever gave you the idea that I 'm courting Esther ? She 's the last person I would consider . " Suddenly he laughed . " Oh , Maelle , I was talking about you . How could you think I would be interested in anyone else . Don 't you know how I care about you ? " " You do ? " she squeaked when he released her . Her knees were like jelly so she clung to him with her fists in his shirt . But his eyes spoke the truth of his words . " You do . " She let the it settle deep in her heart . Somehow some of the bitterness had disappeared to make room for the love he declared . His eyes sought hers . " Do I have any place in your affections , Maelle . Can I hope as much ? " " I 've been pretty busy tapping down a distinct dislike for a certain lady because I assumed she had what I wanted . If jealousy is any hint that you have had my hidden affection , then yes . I do care deeply for you , Levi . I still can 't believe you would care for me though . " " I suppose it would be wicked to keep you here any longer before telling your brother you are safely found , but . . . " He managed one more kiss before taking her hand and leading her out of the alleyway and back onto the board sidewalk . Maelle 's cheeks were blooming roses , but she didn 't care at the moment . When she stepped inside the noisy press room , it took a moment before her brother noticed her . He stopped the presses and hurried over to her squeezing her with a hug of relief . " Where were you ? You can 't imagine how worried we all were , especially this guy , " and he grinned at Levi . " Hey , I 'll admit it . No one is happier than I am to have found her . All this time she was just helping Elizabeth who was sick . " " What 's wrong with Elizabeth ? Is it contagious . Is there a chance you will come down with it ? " Her brother had picked up another worry and ran away with it . Then the men burst out laughing as well . " I don 't think you or I could catch it either , Levi , " her brother poked him in the ribs . " They still were laughing when Mr . Stoffer his boss came out of the office and huffed , " What 's the meaning of this ? Why has the press stopped . We are up against a deadline , young man . " " Well , we 'll have to take that article out of the next edition about the missing preacher 's daughter then . Bother ! " he snarled . Then he pointed to Tom , " Get busy . " Then he took his wiry frame back into his office where he slammed the door . Just as suddenly he reappeared and barked , " Oh , and by the way , Mr . Houston , I 'd like a word with you in private , not here though . I 'll meet you in your law office in half an hour . " " Certainly . " After the man retreated , Levi asked , " What 's eating him , Tom ? I 've never seen him like this . He 's always been so congenial . " Tom scratched his head and spoke in a low voice . " I don 't know . He 's been this way ever since Mr . Crenshaw came to see him a few days ago . But I 'd better get back to work . " He kissed his sister on the cheek and said , " Go ahead and put your bag up in my room . The door is always open . " Maelle , looked around impressed by her brother 's neatness . At home his room had usually been messy . Here his mother 's quilt was smoothed over the bed and his clothes were all hung up on pegs . He 'd rigged a short clothesline where a few items were hanging to dry . A small Franklin stove was across the room , and there was a single cupboard with a three foot counter on which to prepare food . So she got busy trying to make something to eat from what she found . There wasn 't much , but she had hardly anything left of her own money to go buy more groceries . When the noise of the press shut down for the evening , there was but a momentary lull when a different commotion rose to her ears striking fear in the pit of her stomach worse than any she had ever known . Her brother was yelling . She could hear the fear in his voice as she took to the stairs flying . Her heart was beating wildly in her chest . Men 's deep voices were drowning him out and it sounded like a struggle was ensuing . Elizabeth burst in the door only to find her brother in handcuffs behind his back . The sheriff was dragging him out as he protested his innocence . Maelle barred the door . Then she heard him . It was Mr . Crenshaw 's laugh from the pit . " You 're wrong about that . We caught him red - handed . " The sheriff was physically moving her aside . But she clung to her brother 's arm as he was led through the street . A crowd gathered to gawk and whisper , " The preacher 's son . . . " " Go back , Maelle . Send a message to Pa and ask him to come . Hurry , please ! " his eyes pleaded with her with a pain that broke her heart . " Don 't worry , it will all turn out alright . We have the Lord on our side . I 'm sure this is all Mr . Crenshaw 's doing . " Maelle went back to his room and found her money , enough she hoped for a wire home . Then she dashed off to the post office from where it could be sent . " Tom . STOP . jail . STOP . Hurry . STOP . " It was all the message she could afford . Once that was done she stood on the sidewalk as if in a daze . " Levi , " she whispered . " He can help us . " So she walked as fast as she could to his office , past people who didn 't bother to keep their rude comments from her ears . She grabbed the doorknob , but it was locked . Maelle shook it , but it did not yield and no one came . Mr . Crenshaw came up behind her and a chill went through her . " It 's mighty handy that a judge happens to be slated to come through tomorrow morning . Your brother will hardly have time to meet with his court appointed lawyer before he faces the bench . Fortunately , Mr . Stoffer has the best lawyer in town , Mr . Houston . " The man leered at her . " He has agreed to take his case . Your brother will at best be locked up in prison for years , or more likely , he 'll be swinging by sundown tomorrow . " Maelle was going to be sick . She ran around the corner just in time before her stomach heaved . She hoped Levi stepped in it on his way up to his quarters above his office . Hugging herself she made her way up to her brother 's room feeling as horrible as could possibly be . Her heart thudded within her , and her head pounded . Her knees were so weak she didn 't know how she had even climbed the stairs . Maelle sank onto the floor as soon as she was inside and began sobbing and crying out to God , " Why ? " Levi had dared to open her heart just hours earlier , what , so he could crush it ? Her brother . . . she was going to be sick again , but nothing was left in her stomach . " Oh , God , " was all she could manage . Tom . Did they bother to feed him supper ? The soup she made wasn 't much , but she could make biscuits quickly and then take them to the jail . Surely they would allow her to feed her brother . She checked his cupboards didn 't find hardly any ingredients , not even to make biscuits . So while the soup heated , she counted out her pennies and a nickel . It wouldn 't be enough , but perhaps Elizabeth 's father would extend her credit . Her father could pay him back when he arrived , hopefully in time for Tom 's hearing in the morning . Maelle practically ran to the mercantile and briefed Elizabeth 's father in whispers before other customers could gather . He told her to take whatever she needed , no charge . What a kind man . " Crenshaw 's behind this , I 'm sure , " he gritted his teeth . All the pain in her heart was turning into hardness now filling it up where for a fleeting moment she thought love might grow . Now it threatened to turn into pure unadulterated hatred . But she couldn 't yield to it or God might not hear her prayers . As soon as the biscuits were baked , she slathered them in the butter and peach jam she 'd picked up at the store and put them in a basket . Then she wrapped the the hot handle of the soup pan with a towel and began her walk over to the jail . She pounded on the door . " This is for Tom Scott . I 'm his sister . Open up , please . " She kept telling herself that she 'd catch more flies with honey and was practically begging the man to open the door . When he did , she almost fell through , but he stopped her with his hand catching her shoulder . It was a deputy , not the sheriff . " I don 't care how much you eat after you give him his fill , but I beg of you , please allow him to eat this . " She didn 't care that she was crying . Maybe it would stir his sympathies . " I remember you , Miss Scott . My wife always spoke highly of your family . I can 't say how sorry I am about all this . Here , let me help you in the office for a moment . " He looked around before shutting the door . " I don 't even know the charges , just that Mr . Crenshaw said he might . . . " a sob broke out . " hang . " She could barely breathe the word . The deputy rubbed the back of his neck . " I don 't suppose there 's any harm in telling you the charges . Mr . Stoffer swears your brother embezzled a lot of money from him . It turns out Mr . Crenshaw is a silent partner and has joined him in bringing the charges . " " Of course . I always knew he 'd try to harm Tom , just for being sweet on his daughter . In fact , I warned him to be careful . The man is evil . " " There 's more than a few in town who would agree with that assessment , missy . Just you be careful yourself . I only wish your brother had a better lawyer . Unfortunately , Mr . Stoffer got the only good one , and your brother is stuck with old Joe . He 's more drunk than lawyer these days . So , since you 're a praying woman , I guess you 'd best get to it . I 'll stand watch outside the door and make sure you make it safely - - where you going ? " Her father looked around before he saw where she had crumpled in the dark room . He sank and held her as she let go of her grief and worry that could only be spoken in tears . When it subsided , he asked her , " What on earth happened , Maelle ? " " If only I had come here before I went to Elizabeth 's . Maybe I could have stopped it , but I don 't know what I could have done except maybe have kept them from planting evidence in his room to frame him . It 's Mr . Crenshaw , Pa ! He 's out to get him . He 's evil ! " She jumped up and began pacing . " That 's just it . He 's representing Mr . Stoffer and Mr . Crenshaw . He 's as awful as they are . Just to think , I 'd almost believed him . He told me he loved me just minutes before all this happened . I tried his office , but it was locked up tightly , and he wasn 't there . " Maelle had never seen her father like this , as anguished as she felt . Fear and betrayal . " I had no idea it was this terrible . I wouldn 't let your mother come so I could leave sooner and get here faster by horseback . I don 't know how I 'll ever tell her . " " He might hang , Pa . The trial is in the morning . It might be tomorrow . " " Lay down and at least rest before daylight comes , Pa . I 've already slept a little . " Maelle was ashamed of herself to be like the disciples who could not stay awake when Jesus had asked them to pray in the garden . How could she have fallen asleep when her brother had to be counting on her ? When the morning dawned , they both tried to freshen up , then made their way to the courthouse for the trial . A crowd gathered before the doors were opened . They were the first inside . Her father had to help hold her up as her knees were so wobbly . Once seated they gripped each other 's hands and waited . When Levi walked in with confidence in his step , he did not see them sitting there . Maelle didn 't know she had risen until she stopped him jerking back on his arm . He turned and smiled . " How dare you ! " and she slapped him as hard as she could . It was then her heart finished its shattering . There was nothing left where her heart had been . Not even jagged pieces to cause her pain . It was just a deep , black hole . Laughter sounded around them , but she never heard it . Levi stared at her in shock , but her father pulled her back to her seat . " Not now . This is not the place . You can only feed the ugliness of their desire for gossip . " When the sheriff brought Tom in handcuffed and shoved him down in front of them , her father put his hand on his son 's shoulder . Tom turned to look at them beseechingly . Behind the tears pooled in his eyes was sheer terror . Maelle heard her father groan . She glanced away unable to watch his face any longer and caught sight of Levi . He was standing , as pale as they were . Somehow , she knew he was as shocked as them . How could he not have known it was Tom ? Most of his former parishioners acted like they had the plague and stepped back unable to meet their eyes . Once again , Maelle held her head high . She could do that to show that her brother was innocent , even when Henry snickered behind her . She ignored Levi 's quiet plea to wait . She had nothing to say to him . Levi had not ever felt this overwhelmed . Now he realized he had been duped by Mr . Crenshaw . Somehow he had to get to the bottom of it . A young man 's life hung in the balance , and his life as well . If Tom was convicted , Maelle would never forgive him . Today he would have to play the prosecutor while actually being the defense . Tom 's lawyer was nothing but a sot and a stooge for Crenshaw . But the clock was ticking . He wanted nothing more than to follow Maelle and her father out the door to try to get them to believe that he didn 't know the case involved Tom . But that would have to wait if he was to find evidence that could free the young man . First he met with Mr . Stoffer . " Why didn 't you say that Tom was the accused ? What makes you think Tom did the embezzling ? " Mr . Stoffer sniffed . " I wondered how my ledger never showed a profit . Crenshaw finally pointed it out to me . He is my silent partner and does the books . " Mr . Stoffer scratched his head . " Let 's see , Crenshaw said it was a eighty - seven dollars . " Every time I get behind , I have to give him another I . O . U . Now he will own the controlling majority unless we can find that money that 's missing . I never would have suspected that Scott kid . He 's been a good worker , always polite . " " Tom didn 't do it , " Levi whispered . " I 'm sure of it . This has the marks of Crenshaw all over it . He keeps the books , discovered it , told you about it , and I 'll bet he was the first to accuse Tom of the crime . He 's the one who profits if the money isn 't found . " Maybe it 's sitting in his own bank account , Levi thought . " As a matter of fact he did suggest it was Tom . " Stoffer sat up straighter . " Then he took me up to the boy 's room when the printer was going so he couldn 't hear us , and we found some money stuffed under his mattress . " " Since he 's the one who profits if he gets the controlling interest in the paper , he could even sell it out from under you . Maybe the money 's sitting in his own bank account . I think I 'll pay the bank a little visit . But don 't say anything to Crenshaw . By the way , how much money did you find under the young man 's mattress ? " " I sure hope that Tom hasn 't been framed . I always did like that kid and was sick when Crenshaw pointed out his guilt . I 'd hate to have his hanging on my conscience if we were wrong . " Levi entered the tomb - like quiet of the bank as soon as it opened . He made a small deposit to make it look like he had regular business there , then asked to see the bank president . He was a friend , someone he respected and breathed a sigh of relief to find the man in his office . " I know I can 't see another man 's deposits , but I need you to look into it for me . A young man 's life is depending on it or I wouldn 't ask you to do this . I need to know if Mr . Crenshaw has made a deposit of around eighty dollars recently . If you find it , I 'll get a judge 's search warrant for evidence . " " Crenshaw could ruin me if he found out , but I don 't like the way that man does business in this town . It 's time he was stopped one way or the other . Just keep it quiet for my sake . " Levi shook his hand . " For both of our sakes . I have to go look over Stoffer 's ledgers , but I 'll be back before lunch to see what you found . Just give me a sealed note and leave it with the same teller . And please pray for me and for the boy who is accused of embezzlement . " " Of course . In fact , let me pray right now . " The Christian man put his hand on Levi 's shoulder and said a beautiful prayer , quiet but powerful . Levi felt a little of the burden lift from his shoulders . Back at the printer 's , Levi studied the books , but they did not make much sense . No wonder Stoffer couldn 't read them . Crenshaw had so many illegible entries that it would be easier to read a crow 's scratches in dirt . However , he had clearly marked a balance of eighty - seven dollars . But it never showed in the deposit column meaning it never made it to the bank , at least not as a newspaper deposit . " I might need this for evidence , Stoffer . Alright ? " " I think you 're right . Say , if things don 't go the way I hope , would you allow me to make a temporary deposit in the newspaper 's account for now ? I think I have enough in my savings to do that . That way , we could say that the money has been found in the bank after all , and Crenshaw can 't come after you for a bigger chunk of the newspaper 's holdings . Then you could drop charges against Tom . If it comes to that , I 'll consider it a worthy investment in a young man 's life and you can keep the money if the other is not accounted for . " Levi walked back to the bank . The teller slipped him a sealed envelope as they had arranged so he would not be seen with the bank president again . The letter burned in his pocket as he hurried to his office and locked the door . His hand was shaking as he opened it up . A deposit had been made a week ago of that exact amount . Counting the five dollars planted as evidence under Tom 's mattress , all the money was accounted for . He finally was able to take a deep breath . He felt like he 'd been holding it all morning . Now he needed to find the judge to get a warrant to produce Crenshaw 's bank deposit records . The judge wasn 't in the town 's café , but he found him eating with Crenshaw himself and Tom 's lawyer in the saloon . He wanted to call out the judge on the impropriety in meeting with the men like this , but he needed to stay on his good side . Not only that , he wanted an audience with the man himself . So he merely asked to speak with him in his office in five minutes . He prayed the man would come . So when someone knocked on his door , he jumped up to answer . Once the judge was seated , he locked the door . " This better be important . " " It is your honor . A young man 's life is at stake . You 've met his lawyer , and he 'll be no help at all . " " Justice . I 'd hate to see the young man hang for a crime he did not commit . I 'd like a warrant to search Mr . Crenshaw 's bank deposit records in case the money might have been deposited in his own account . " The judge looked at him from behind hooded eyes . weighing his decision so Levi trudged on . " Mr . Stoffer is also supportive of this investigation . My client only wants to find justice . If he doesn 't come up with that missing money , the newspaper 's practically handed over to Mr . Crenshaw . He 's been taking a piece of the paper 's holdings one month at a time . He 's been doing the books , and somehow they always come up short of enough to make his payment . If that boy is framed , Crenshaw will hold the majority interest in it . Here , let me show you the ledger . " The judge studied it for only a minute before asking for a pen and paper . " I 'll sign a search warrant right now . Is the bank open or is it closed for lunch ? If it 's closed for lunch , I 'll stall on the trial until you get there . This may be one of the more interesting cases I 've seen in a long time . The prosecution defending the accused doesn 't happen ever day . Be careful that you make it appear you are serving in Mr . Stoffer 's interest . " Now Levi practically ran over to the bank . Mr . Crenshaw tried to stop him as he came out of the saloon , but he waved him off in his hurry . He went to the window and told the clerk that the bank president was waiting for this letter and he handed over the search warrant . Just then Crenshaw came and stood in line behind him . When the clerk came back Levi handed him the note about taking money out of his savings to deposit in the newspaper 's account . He had written confidential on the outside of the folded paper . The man did it quietly without a word and soon returned with his receipt . He also handed him a satchel which Levi had to assume held the papers requested by the search warrant , Mr . Crenshaw 's account . Crenshaw glared at him as he went by , but Levi tried to act non - pulsed He had only enough time to grab the newspaper 's ledger from his locked desk and walk swiftly back to the courtroom . He tried to be aware of his surroundings . The last thing he wanted was to be robbed of his evidence , and a man facing embezzlement charges might be just that desperate even here in broad daylight . No sooner had he those thoughts as if a warning , than a man came riding up from behind acting as if his animal was out of control . Levi stepped slightly into a doorway just in time . The man made a swipe , but missed . Levi ran the rest of the way to the courthouse with his evidence tucked tightly under his arm . He didn 't try to look at Maelle or her father . He couldn 't be distracted now . He had to be careful in the manner he presented the evidence to make it look like he was trying to protect his client , not Tom . He handed over both ledgers , the newspaper 's and Crenshaw 's bank statements as evidence as soon as the trial resumed . The judge looked over the new evidence and frowned . Then he hit his gavel with a little more gravity causing many to jump . After he was sworn in , Tom looked more like a scared little boy than a man . With his back to the courtroom , Levi gave him a slow wink . " Do you understand the charges brought against you ? " " No sir . I haven 't bought anything besides groceries at the mercantile . I do treat myself to a piece of pie on payday , that 's all . " Some in the courtroom chuckled . " And I couldn 't have put it in the bank because I don 't hardly have enough money yet to open an account . I 've just given my money over to Mr . Eldridge at the mercantile so it will be there so I can buy what I need . You can ask him . He 's right over there . " Tom pointed into the packed room . I keep some money in my wallet , but not much . You can ask the deputy . He is holding my wallet for me . And if I had put any money under my mattress as accused , I suppose you 'd think they 'd find more than five dollars . That 's a lot to me , but not considering the amount I 'm accused of taking . " Levi was impressed by Levi 's answers . He could feel the power of prayer right here in the courthouse . Do you have a girl friend , someone you might have given the money to ? " Tom hung his head and Levi felt like a heel asking him this , but it was important . " No sir . The only girl I was ever sweet on was Sarah Crenshaw , but she ran off with somebody else a month and twenty - two days ago long before any money is said to be missing . " Yes sir . I never did lock the door because Mr . Stoffer had lost the key . I didn 't want to be locked out of my own room . " " No , shhur honor . " The man barely got the words out before he belched loudly . The judge hit his gavel as laughter broke out . " Order in the court . If you belch again in my court , I 'll have you thrown off this case for being drunk in public . Is that clear ? " " Always . I don 't leave it lying around for some thief to sneak in . However that day I distinctly remember my son coming by to tell me of an emergency , so I left it to deposit the next day . By then , as you all know , it was gone , stolen by some no - good , dirty - rotten . . . " Levi barely got the words out before the bellow began . " I 'm not on trial . He is ! " the man yelled as he pointed at Tom . Do your job as a lawyer and convict him . He 's the guilty one ! " People were beginning to murmur . " I beg to differ Crenshaw . When I came back to the table to finish my lunch , which you bought me as well as a round of drinks for the defendant 's lawyer - - which is why the man is more worthless than a fence post - - I specifically asked you how you felt about a search warrant . You said they served a good purpose to convict wrong doers . " " The defendant is found ' not guilty . ' Court is adjourned . " At the pound of the gavel , it was all over . Maelle about fainted , and her father was thanking God aloud while pounding on his son 's shoulder . The judge walked down and shook Levi 's hand . " Brilliant ! Congratulations . " He shook Mr . Stoffer 's hand , and promised to see that his money was removed from Crenshaw 's account and put back into the business . Then he went over and shook Tom 's hand as soon as the sheriff unlocked his handcuffs . While Tom rubbed his wrists , Mr . Stoffer came up and apologized profusely to him and promised to give him his position back , but their father said , " No , it 's time he came home . " " Well , I have an exciting article to write about the exoneration of a young man falsely accused . It will be the most exciting piece I 've written for years . I 'll mail you a copy , Tom . " " When I came in this morning , I was sick to my stomach thinking that I might have to sentence such a nice looking young man to prison or to hang for a crime . But thanks to Mr . Houston , everything turned around because of his quick thinking . " Then he shook their father 's hand and said , " I think I might become a praying man myself after seeing the miracle in the courtroom today . You have a fine son there , preacher . " Then the judge whispered something for her ear alone . " Might I have seen a certain successful lawyer kissing a beautiful young lady next to the newspaper office when I arrived in town yesterday ? " He winked at her . " Don 't worry the secret is safe with me . " He went away chuckling . Maelle hugged her brother after her father broke away . All of them were crying . She glanced over and saw her father embracing Levi . Then Tom went over and did as well . He had single - handedly saved her brother 's life in a most remarkable way . " Her father said , " We 'll be at the café if you care to join us in a bit . This young man says he 's hungry . " They walked away with arms around each other 's shoulders . " No , let me say first that I had no idea that it was Tom I was supposed to prosecute . Crenshaw made sure that the trial was ramrodded through . In fact , I didn 't know Crenshaw was even involved before this morning . I learned a valuable lesson today . I 'm sick just thinking about what would have happened if I had failed . " He reached over and took her hands that were still trembling . " What if I promise never to slap you again ? " " If I deserve it like I did this morning , you have my permission to slap some sense into me any time I need it like that , " he smiled slipping his hands around her waist as hers rose to encircle his neck . " I don 't know how we can ever thank you , " Maelle choked up saying it . Welcome to my blog ! We raised three children then fost - adopted three more , two of whom are at home . I 'm a grandmother of sixteen , have 36 years experience as a pastor 's wife , married to my man over 40 years . I 've authored a book and have my other books as e - books on amazon kindle . I was an art major at Point Loma College and still like to dabble , read , write , garden , travel , enjoy my family , and am learning to cook gluten free . My pug Max and old Sweetie weiner dog and cat are my comic relief . Please comment or request to be a facebook friend . I 'd love to hear from you . " Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart . " Wordsworth Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . " Nest , " is a more serious work of historical fiction weaving Cherokee history with that of early Tennessee and the twist of those known as Welsh Indians . It is a path back through the tragedy of Native American history with redemption as a young woman is caught between worlds trying to find true love . " As Good As Engaged " is a fun short story of a Texas campmeeting romance set in the late 1870 's . What would you do if you were raised to think that a kiss was as good as engaged when a wild cowboy steals one ? Tifani " Oh , Susannah " is named for Susannah Wesley , mother of John and Charles Wesley who lived in the 1700 's but who is an inspiration for Christian women today . We will include writings of her life , spiritual inspiration , quotes from poetic thinkers , photography , art , crafts , recipes , insights for mothers and marriage , and church life ideas . We hope to illustrate how the beauty of holiness can be infused into everyday life , whereas " The absence of beauty hardens the heart . " ( Kate Morton ) Susannah Wesley was born in 1670 in a time of great turmoil of religion . Her father was a non - conformist leader of the Dissenters from the Church of England when one could be expelled from their parish , not allowed to teach or tutor , be fined and jailed . However , at age 13 , Susannah chose the Church of England . At age 19 she married Samuel Wesley then bore 17 children including John Wesley , the founder of the Methodist and holiness churches , and his brother Charles , a prolific hymn writer . She home schooled her surviving children , even preached in her kitchen to over a hundred , more than attended her husband 's services . When she refused to pray for the king , her husband declared he could not abide under the same roof , and thus began a year 's separation while he left on " official church business , " until the king died and it became a moot point . Her children knew not to bother mother while she sat daily in her kitchen with her apron over her face having her devotions . Somehow , Susannah carved out an hour each week to spend individually with each of her many children . Later we will give her list of child raising principles . Thus a woman who bore 17 children , endured great poverty and tragedies , left such a legacy and influence on those whose creed we share with her deep thoughts and life . Oh , Susannah ! |
I had met this guy the week after Hurricane Katrina . We were on the Mississippi Gulf Coast , surveying the wreckage of historic homes . I didn 't know him well , but now he 'd come to visit my home in rural Mississippi , for a party , and we 'd driven to the grocery store for some last minute items . We 'd taken his car , and on the way back he drove very , very slowly , which was frustrating because I was in a hurry . My house was already full of people and many more would be arriving later in the day , and he was driving exactly as he 'd driven through the debris of Beach Boulevard - about 10 mph , though we were now on a wide - open country road . Finally , I said , " Do you mind if I drive ? " He said OK , so I took the wheel . I don 't remember pulling over to make the switch . Why would I ? What mattered was that I was in control . At the next turn - the next - to - last before the drive to my house , I suddenly began to feel disoriented . The world looked unfamiliar . It felt like I 'd made a wrong turn , though I 'd made the trip thousands of times . I wondered if I was having a seizure or suffering some kind of flashback , or - what ? I didn 't know . The road seemed to unfurl forever , and as I became increasingly unsure of myself , I saw something even more perplexing : We were coming into a town , at a place that should have been open countryside . At that point I became more suspicious than concerned . It occurred to me that I might be dreaming . As I drove through the unfamiliar town - - which was fairly busy , with lots of people in the streets , coming in and out of gas stations , hardware stores , a small factory of some kind , the Wal - Mart - - I looked for any sign of its name . There were signs everywhere but none that sounded like the name of the town . I mentioned to the Katrina guy that I 'd never seen the town before , and didn 't understand how we 'd gotten there . It looked like someplace in , maybe , east Texas . He didn 't seem at all concerned . I told him to keep an eye out for a sign that might tell us where we were . Then I glanced at the backseat and saw my friend Paul , who lives in New York City , and who I hadn 't realized was with us . Though it made sense that he 'd be coming to the party , the fact that I hadn 't known he was in the car made me more inclined to think I was dreaming , which of course I was . It 's an odd feeling , to recognize that what seems real isn 't . Naturally , you resist , at first . The first time I remember realizing I was dreaming I was 15 years old , driving with my friends in my mother 's Impala . It was a beautiful summer evening and one of my friends suggested I put the top down , so I did . As we drove , with the wind tousling oNow , as I drove the unfamiliar streets of the seeming east Texas town , I mentioned the convertible dream to Paul and the Katrina guy . I said I know it sounds weird but I think I may be dreaming now . The Katrina guy just shrugged , and continued eyeing the signs , but Paul gave me this distressed look , then vanished . He didn 't want to be a character in someone else 's dream , I guess . Oh , well , I thought . See you back in the waking world ! About that time I noticed an outdoor market up ahead , so I pulled in . I told the Katrina guy I was going to see if I could find a newspaper or something - read the headlines , find a date , just to verify whether this was real . He waited in the car . I approached a stand selling " antique " items - mostly junk , really , which included old newspapers . Here was a stroke of dream - mind brilliance , I thought . There was no way to prove or disprove that this was a dream , based on the newspapers . My mind was trying to trick itself , in plain view . I thought of asking the guy who ran the stand for the date , but it seemed kind of weird to , and anyway he was waiting on customers . So I went back to the car and we drove on . The Katrina guy didn 't even ask if I 'd discovered anything . He was , I suppose , the perfect dream - mate . Down a narrow side street we came upon a river - a very wide river , like the Mississippi . There were many oddly narrow pedestrian promenades angling off from the river , which was flooded . Every river in my dreams is flooded , for some reason , so this was familiar territory . OK , I said , now I know I 'm dreaming . I 'm sure of it . The street we were on descended into the floodwaters up ahead , remained submerged for a short distance , then returned to dry land . I decided to test my theory and drive into the water . The Katrina guy was alarmed , and put his hand out in front of me , as if to stop me , but I said , Don 't worry , if I 'm dreaming we 'll be just fine , and if not , I 'll stop before the water gets too deep . I drove into deep water and kept going . I passed another car , also driving on the river . The Katrina guy got excited when I told him we could do whatever we wanted now - - we didn 't have to worry , because it was a dream . We could fly over buildings if we wanted to - something I 'd done numerous times before . I was curious , though , what the dream was going to be about , and was repeatedly thwarted in my efforts to find out . I 've always assumed that dreams are mechanisms for the brain to explore hypotheticals without repercussion , to help us sort through potential scenarios in our waking lives . For my purposes , however , this resulted in all sorts of dream obstacles . The Katrina guy seemed to be having a good time , even if it was a dream , but he soon vanished , too . I didn 't really notice until I found myself alone , on foot , in an abandoned factory , trying to find my way out . At this point the dream seemed intent on capturing me , though I knew I was dreaming . Each door I passed through deposited me into an anteroom with another door . It sounds like a potential nightmare , but because I knew I was dreaming I felt a measure of control . Every door opened when I turned the knob . After several passages I realized I was in the middle of a sequence , and I began to count . I was up to seven doors when the lasAs I tried to deal with a swelling crowd of imaginary guests , I fiddled with my cell phone , determined that if I could freely move between the waking and the dream world I should be able to find a way to create a record of it - to bridge the gap . This , alas , is how my sleeping mind often occupies itself . It tries to take notes , and even photographs , of an imagined world . It 's hopeless , but I often spend what seems like hours , even days , during a dream , trying to create a waking record of what happened - a note scrawled in a pad on the nightstand , or spray - painted on the wall of a building that I know to be real , to which I might actually return when I 'm awake . It never works , but that doesn 't stop me from trying . In this case , I eventually gave up taking photographs and decided to mentally record what was happening , so that I 'd remember the dream once I awakened . I spent the rest of the dream studiously trying to log everything that happened , escaping now and then to a rare quiet place to go over it in my head , to reconstruct everything that had happened from the moment when the Katrina guy was driving to the moment at hand , so I 'd be able to review the dream when I was awake , for clues . This is what passes for rest , in my world . This post is the inevitable result . Even in my dreams , I cannot let go . Dreams are so rich and have such an authentic feeling that scientists have long assumed they must have a crucial psychological purpose , as an article I later read in the New York Times observed . " To Freud , dreaming provided a playground for the unconscious mind ; to Jung , it was a stage where the psyche 's archetypes acted out primal themes . Newer theories hold that dreams help the brain to consolidate emotional memories or to work though current problems , like divorce and work frustrations . " OK , the judges will accept that . The article cited a paper published in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience by a psychiatrist and sleep researcher named Dr . J . Allan Hobson , who argued that the main function of rapid - eye - movement sleep , or REM ( when most dreaming occurs ) is to warm the brain 's circuits for the sights and sounds and emotions of waking . " It helps explain a lot of things , like why people forget so many dreams , " Hobson said . " It 's like jogging ; the body doesn 't remember every step , but it knows it has exercised . It has been tuned up . It 's the same idea here : Dreams are tuning the mind for conscious awareness . " Psychics often claim that dreams are a delivery mechanism for messages from other worlds , and who 's to say they aren 't ? I 've gotten messages from dead loved ones in my dreams , some of which turned out to be true , and which I hadn 't known about before . Psychiatrists have also speculated that dreams are how the brain sorts out its own issues , on its own time . Hobson 's position is that dreaming is a parallel state of consciousness that is continually running but suppressed during waking . If that 's the case , I suppose it 's possible that dreaming is all of those things . In evolutionary terms , according to the Times , REM appears to be a recent development ; it is detectable in humans and other warm - blooded mammals and birds . " Studies " suggest that REM makes its appearance very early in life - - in the third trimester for humans , well before a developing child has experience or imagery to fill out a dream . " None of this is to say that dreams are devoid of meaning , " the Times noted . " Anyone who can remember a vivid dream knows that at times the strange nighttime scenes reflect real hopes and anxieties : The young teacher who finds himself naked at the lectern ; the new mother in front of an empty crib , frantic in her imagined loss . " According to the article , " research suggests that only about 20 percent of dreams contain people or places that the dreamer has encountered . Most images appear to be unique to a single dream . " That is most assuredly not the case with me - my dreams have frequent , recurring sets and guest stars , sometimes over the course of years , whom I have never met in my waking life . The scientists claim to know that most dream characters are one - time walk - ons " because some people have the ability to watch their own dreams as observers , without waking up , " the Times reported , at which point I began to feel a now - wakeful sense of disorientation . As an intra - dream observer , I should not be hosting those recurring characters . All of which tells me that if you want answers about dreaming , you 're just as likely to find them in a popular dream - interpretation book . Still , the subject is interesting , particularly when reading about it on the heels of a vivid dream . The Times continued : " This state of consciousness , called lucid dreaming , is itself something a mystery - and a staple of New Age and ancient mystics . But it is a real phenomenon , one in which Dr . Hobson finds strong support for his argument for dreams as a physiological warm - up before waking . " In dozens of studies , according to the article , researchers have brought people into sleep laboThose same sleep researchers contend that lucid dreaming occurs during a mixed state of consciousness , -- " a heavy dose of REM with a sprinkling of waking awareness , " according to the article . Sleepwalking and night terrors , Hobson said , represent mixtures of muscle activation and non - REM sleep . Attacks of narcolepsy reflect an infringement of REM on normal daytime alertness . And what to make of someone , like me , who sleepwalks , has occasional night terrors , and is often aware that he is dreaming ? The article didn 't say . Hobson 's point is that those two consciousnesses are separate systems that can operate simultaneously , which begs the question : If a person can be awake enough to recognize he 's dreaming , is the converse true ? Could he be awake yet not recognize he 's drifting off into a dream world ? Sort of ? " For everyone else , the idea of dreams as a kind of sound check for the brain may bring some comfort , as well , " the article reported . " That ominous dream of people gathered on the lawn for some strange party ? Probably meaningless . No reason to scream , even if it were possible . " To which I say : Try telling that to someone who has lost control of their dream , for whom the succession of doors in the anterooms ceases to open . In my own dream , I eventually left the party that I had virtually thrown but had never quite controlled ( even in the dream sense ) , and decided to go for a run , which is always fun in my dreams because each step spans 10 feet or more and I have boundless energy . As I ran through a darkened city ( another familiar landscape in my dreams ) , I eventually came upon another man , a walker who began to run , too , as I passed . I was singing aloud - this was my dream , so why shouldn 't I ? - an original REM song that I was inventing as I went along . I know : REM . Rapid Eye Movement , logically filed beside the band REM in the recesses of my brain . I was enjoying the song because it was at once REM 's and mine . I 'd never heard it before . Then , as I ran with the new , unidentified runner beside me , he began to sing along . Eventually I ran out of words - I couldn 't " remember " what I in fact was inventing - but he continued on , singing multiple stanzas . I have no idea who he was - I would have preferred Michael Stipe , but it was his song now , transferred from a hodgepodge of REM sound bites stored in my brain , through my own consciousness , through my dream , to him , an imaginary character who knew more about what was in my brain than I did . Whatever ; finally , I was happy to let go . I let him sing the song , though in a sense it was actually me who was doing the singing , through an imagined character . By then , I guess , the dream had accomplished what it set out to do . My brain had the sensation that it was letting go . When I awoke , I felt at rest , and only wished I 'd found a way to write tPosted by It took a minute to sink in . An intruder had come in my house . . . while I was in the shower . In the shower . If you 've seen Psycho , the thought of a stranger coming into your house while you 're showering - - naked , alone and unaware - - is enough to send a shiver down your spine . But when it actually happened , I was more bewildered than scared , probably because I never saw the person , and didn 't even know they 'd been there until I came downstairs . That 's my silhouette in the picture , by the way . Scary , but me . This was years ago , but notably , it was the second intrusion within a few days . And it wasn 't to be the last time . In the first incident , someone had fiddled with the old lock on the double doors at the back of my house until they managed to get the doors open . I was away at the time , and for whatever reason they hadn 't crossed the threshold , and so , had not set off the alarm . Nothing was taken . I was baffled that someone would take what had to have been a considerable amount of time to pick the lock , then open the doors , just to stand there , looking in . I hadn 't gotten around to installing a more secure lock by the time they returned . The truth is , I tend to be slow to react to alarming situations . I 'm definitely not the person you 'd want to count on to save you if , say , your car plunged into a flooded river . That 's not just a hypothetical - it happened once . I was driving with my friend Spencer late one night when a woman sped past us , lost control of her car and plunged into the floodwaters of the Pearl River . Only after I observed Spencer running through the headlights toward her bobbing car was I prompted to act . We ended up getting the woman out of the car , though she was drunk and clung to the steering wheel as the water poured in . She was wearing several large diamond rings and a full - length fur coat ( this was in the seventies ) , and didn 't want to get out of the car . Who knows how long I 'd have stayed in the truck had I not seen Spencer running through the headlights . The point is , there are times when it 's wise to take a moment to collect your thoughts , and there are times when it 's better to let those fast - twitch muscles lead the way . Until the intruder arrived , I 'd never had to respond to a crisis at my house , which stands in rural Mississippi , on a one - lane gravel road . It 's not visible from the larger , paved road that skirts it , and the one - lane road itself is a rutted tunnel through overhanging trees . To approach requires a level of blind commitment , and usually , when someone decides to see what 's down the curious little lane , they chicken out . I 'll hear car tires crunching gravel and glance out the window to see a vehicle tentatively mounting the low hill before the house . Then the vehicle stops , and after a moment 's hesitation , slowly backs out of the picture . Only Jehovah 's Witnesses routinely possess the temerity to press on , at which point I back away from the window . I 'm not into talking religion with strangers . The house , known as Holly Grove , is very old , built in 1832 . It has a long hallway through the center with double doors at each end with old - fashioned skeleton key locks , which are comparatively easy to pick , though until the intruder found a way in I hadn 't much worried about that . Owing to the relative isolation , a person could break down the door with an axe if they wanted to and no one else would likely hear it . That horrifying thought - an axe - wielding intruder - - was , for me , suitable reason to not worry . I do have an alarm system , for when I 'm away , and at the time had two territorial dogs who had never allowed a stranger to approach the house unmolested , or at least unannounced . The question , on that particularly morning , was how someone had managed to make it all the way in . When I saw the open doors I stopped midway down the stairs . I felt the blood pumping through my veins , my face got hot and I hurried back upstairs to retrieve my shotgun ; I popped in two shells and proceeded to stalk my own lair . I was pretty sure I would shoot whoever it was , but I found no one . Whoever it was must have known my dogs because they hadn 't barked , and now simply stood on the porch , eagerly wagging their tails , peering in . Hey ! Someone was here a minute ago ! Now you 're here , and all the doors are open ! Dog food is on the way ! Whatever was bothering me was most assuredly not bothering them . I wondered : Was someone playing a joke on me ? My default setting is to try to come up with a more normal explanation for whatever weird thing is happening . When I later told friends what had happened , some of them had the opposite reaction - they immediately sought out a paranormal explanation . Ghosts at Holly Grove ! People often ask me if I 've seen ghosts in my house , but it 's not something I think about much . I don 't know if ghosts exist , because the workings of the universe are often inscrutable . Energy changes forms without ever going away . Anything is possible . But aside from one curious incident , during which IThieves were likewise ruled out because the intruder had passed on the opportunity to steal , which left mischievous friends , none of whom seemed likely to maintain an elaborate ruse over the course of several days . Which left : Crazed former lovers ; escapees from mental institutions or jails ( a Hollywood studio had once scouted the house as a location for a movie about precisely that , so the idea obviously held potential ) ; and a proverbial watcher in the woods , though it would seem to be in the nature of such a watcher to remain in the woods . It never occurred to me to call the sheriff 's office . In assessing the possibilities , I simply moved from striving , ineffectively , for normalcy , to striving for acceptable semi - normalcy , whatever that might be . I refused to accept that my house could be a scary place . I 've always looked askance at people who get nervous when they stay at Holly Grove alone . Most people aren 't accustomed to relative isolation , to silence that 's occasionally punctuated by unidentifiable sounds , and to very dark nights ; as a result , friends often overreact to what , for me , are routine occurrences . One night , for example , a friend fled in his car after hearing what he described as " something dragging a chain through the woods . " Such a sound would not cause alarm if you had observed a neighbor 's formerly tethered dog or horse dragging their rope or chain behind them through the woods - - a familiar , normal event in my world . When it came to the intrusions , I was looking for something such as that . It soon occurred to me that the intrusions had coincided with the onset of a mildly disturbing episode involving a woman who , for the purposes of this story , I 'll call Estelle , who had taken to standing beside my road , day and night . This was notable after three or four days ; it would become a source of fascination when it dragged on for five years , give or take a few months . I am not exaggerating . The woman , this Estelle , a down - the - road neighbor , was out there , around the clock , for five years . I have no way of knowing if she was the one who entered my house on those two occasions , and , in fact , a series of more recent intrusions implicated a deranged deer hunter . But the initial interloper 's arrival had coincided with Estelle 's appearance by the side of the road , and , if nothing else , this is a story of coincidences . At the very least , she would have been in a position to know . For reasons that are still open for debate , Estelle began standing on the side of the road in the late 1990s , as if waiting for a ride . Many mornings I would encounter her standing by my gate when I left for work . She was always immaculately dressed and usually carried either a pen and notepad or a Bible . I 'd roll down my window and say good morning , to which she 'd invariably respond , " I 'm waiting for my ride . " Mm hmm . When I returned in the evening she would still be standing there . Sometimes she acknowledged my return , sometimes not . I don 't know when Estelle ate or slept , but she was always perfectly coiffed , even when she was standing by the road at 1 : 30 A . M . under an umbrella in sleeting rain . At one point her sister phoned me - I think Estelle had been out there for a couple of years by then - - to say she was concerned about her . My first thought was : It 's about time ! She said Estelle had told her that Jesus instructed her to stand by the side of the road , to which the woman observed , " Now , you know Jesus didn 't do that . " Jesus : Admittedly eccentric , but not known to be a practical joker . Telling Estelle to stand by the side of the road until further notice would seem an uncharacteristically cruel and pointless prank , and if nothing else , would indicate a highly unlikely level of divine micromanagement . Later , Estelle 's sister said she 'd told her she was writing a book , and she did carry that notepad . I have to say that if that were the case , I 'd relish a chance to read it . Like most communities in rural Mississippi , our little scattering of houses has a neighborhood watch program , and when our neighborhood watch captain , an elderly man who drove a vintage Mercedes with out - of - county license plates , who looked like a tired blues musician , died , I suggested that perhaps we should press Estelle into service , since she was already out there , 24 - 7 . The idea was not well received . No one wanted to encourage her . I don 't know if Estelle came up with the same idea on her own , but it soon became apparent that she had appointed herself captain . She began watching everyone 's houses more diligently than before , always with her notepad in hand . As I drove away each morning she would write down my tag number . When I returned that evening she would clock me in . This went on for a while , with Estelle monitoring everyone 's activities and logging it in her notebook , until she carried the concept of watching too far and people began to see her standing in the darkness outside their windows , peering in . Around that time the family decided to try to get her into some sort of treatment program , which backfired . Estelle managed to convince a social worker that her family beat her and drove her from the house . No one who knew the family put any credence in the story , but it served Estelle 's purposes . She was released , and returned to the road after an intermission of perhaps half a day . I eventually discovered telltale evidence that someone had been sitting on my porch while I was gone - a chair that had been moved , or , when spring pollen coated the floor , footprints . Then I found the hallway doors open , twice , including that time in the shower . I responded by posting a note on the screened door of the back porch that said , " Estelle . I know it 's you . I have you on video . Go home . " Now and then I enjoyed a respite as Estelle explored other sections of the road . Then , after about five years , she went back inside her house , for reasons that were as inexplicable as those that had led her to take up her post outside . Word was that she was now frightened of the outside world . We did not see her for many , many years - seven , I think . She was still ensconced inside when the deer hunter , who I 'll call Nick , began his own wanderings through our domain . Nick was well known to us , and had even been a guest in my house on numerous occasions , back when he was relatively normal . But around the time his wife left him he turned delusional . Even his fellow deer hunters , with whom he shared a lease of part of my property and the farm across the road , began to avoid him . He told elaborate , crazy stories about the supposed efforts of others to frame him for various crimes , and eventually went to jail - we think - for impersonating an FBI agent at the FBI headquarters in Jackson . I say " we think " because it was never clear where Nick was taken , only that he 'd been held somewhere for a while . Clear enough , though , was this little life lesson : If you 're going to impersonate an FBI agent , you shouldn 't do it at the FBI headquarters . I 'm sure that when he announced he was an FBI agent and said he wanted to see the files on a guy who happened to be him , the receptionist 's response was , " Please take a seat . Someone will be with you shortly . " And after a quick phone call , someone was . We heard that Nick had subsequently spent some time in the state mental hospital , and that he had enjoyed his stay . When he was released , he returned to the deer camp across the road , though he was no longer a paying member and was decidedly unwelcome . The other hunters repeatedly ran him off but he always came back . He ended up sleeping on the ground there , beside his truck , or occasionally in his truck , for the better part of a year . At night I could see his little campfires in the distance , and I hoped he wouldn 't wander over to my house . One night , during Nick 's long sabbatical , a friend who was staying at my house while I was away reported hearing the dogs barking , and , upon investigating , heard the sound of footsteps in the gravel . My first thought was Nick , because Estelle was by then trapped inside her house , but I didn 't mention it for fear of frightening my houseguest , who reported finding , the next day , a crumpled pack of Basic menthol cigarettes in the vicinity of where he had heard the footsteps in the gravel . As far as I knew , neither Nick nor Estelle smoked , so I wrote it off as someone who had perhaps run out of gas and approached the house only to be driven away by the dogs . Always the safe explanation . Once you get used to the idea of not one but two crazy people wandering around outside your house , you can explain anything away . Nick began to worry me a bit , though , after I heard that the other deer hunters were studiously avoiding him because they found him strange and a bit intimidating . One of them said Nick had asked , rather belligerently , " Do you think I 'm crazy ? " to which the guy replied , " Well , kind of , compared to how you used to be . " Then I saw Nick in his truck , sitting beside me at a traffic light in town , gazing at a large Bouie knife in his hands as he waited for the light to change . In my memory the knife glints in the sun as he turns it over and over in his hands . There is also a crazed glint in his eye . He didn 't see me , but I later saw him again , sitting in his truck , backed into the woods , watching cars go by . When Daniel , the guy who lives in a cabin on my place , reported hearing a man shouting in the vicinity of Nick 's camp , which lasted for hours , and occasional gunfire , and death metal music blaring from the speakers of Nick 's truck , I began to get more worried . Discussions with neighbors ensued . Estelle was one thing ; she wasn 't armed , or angry . Nick was a different story . Soon more reports began to circulate of extended , crazed shouting , notably , " GOD DAMMIT , QUIT ! " and , counting : " One thousand EIGHT ! One thousand NINE ! " The episodes appeared to be building toward crescendo , so I spoke with a friend who owns the land where Nick was trespassing , who had avoided intervening because he felt sorry for him because he was alone , broke , jobless and homeless . I told him that I also felt sorry for Nick , but that it was not as easy to ignore his craziness when he was right across the road ( which was not the case for my friend , who lives a few miles away ) . I also offered this scenario : Say you read a news account of a guy who went crazy and , like , opened fire on cars on the interstate , or on people in a crowded mall , and there were quotes from neighbors who said , Well , yes , we wondered about the guy , because we heard him shouting alone for days , and saw him gazing at his knife , and backed up in the woods watching traffic … Well , what would you think of those neighbors ? You 'd think , My God , people , why didn 't you do something ? I 'm not saying Nick is the kind of person who would inflict harm on anyone . I 'm saying I don 't know , but the signs were not good , either way . Finally , after a neighbor 's wife expressed her misgivings to the landowner , he decided he had to do something , so he called the sheriff and asked them to escort Nick off the property . They arrived one morning in bulletproof vests and , using the PA system on their patrol car , commanded him to step into the open . When he did , they told him he had to leave . His response was , " Well , now , I 'm homeless , " to which one of the deputies reportedly replied , " Actually , you already were . " After this , Nick began sneaking onto the property and camping at different locations , until the locks were changed on all the gates , at which point another neighbor claimed to have caught him emerging from the woods behind his house , which prompted him to call the deputies , who , he said , told him that they had received numerous similar complaints . The problem with this part of the story is that the neighbor 's son claimed it wasn 't Nick who emerged from the woods , but an elderly black woman with her family , who had gotten lost and had wandered down the creek to their house . Nick is white , and , of course , travels alone . There is no way he could be mistaken for an elderly black woman and her family . There is also no way that two such conflicting stories from members of the same household could be believed . Clearly , the story was morphing , which is what often happens when people are confronted by inexplicable things . About this time , I discovered that someone had moved a few things around in my garage . Nothing was stolen . Things had merely been moved around . Seeing this , I thought of a story a friend of mine , a psychiatric nurse , once told me about a deluded woman who worked in a bookstore and reported that each night someone broke into the store and moved one book to a different location . Only one book . This woman would spend hours each morning roaming the store , trying to determine which book had been moved . As an aside , the woman also reported that she always observed at least one dwarf in every restaurant she entered , which she presumed was an indication that the federal government was monitoring her movements , because who else could afford to employ so many dwarves ? The point being , once you start thinking a crazy person is moving tools around your garage , there is always the possibility that , well … who is really off - kilter here ? I got home a few days later to find that a book - yes , a book - had been moved from the spot where I had left it on my back porch . Now I was absolutely sure of … what ? When you live alone , items can remain unmoved for long periods of time , which had been the case with the book . I had been on the porch that morning and had seen it , gathering dust , and made a mental note to take it inside , but got preoccupied and forgot . Later that day I went to get the book and it was in an entirely different spot . Now , finally , I was truly alarmed , so much so that I went to my friend Paul , who lives nearby , and presented the possibilities : I was losing my mind ; my house was haunted ; or I had an intruder . Paul smiled and said , " I know the answer ! Estelle is back outside ! " He had seen her on a recent night , returned to the side of the road . I was relieved . I reposted a sign on my screened door instructing her to go home . I also installed a latch on the door . Given all of this , I thought I should explain the situation to Daniel , who lives in the cabin , stressing the fact that Estelle was , as far as was known , harmless . Creepy , but harmless . He then asked about Nick . I told him Nick was now an elderly black woman with a family . You often encounter unusual characters in big cities , but it 's mostly in passing . In rural areas , and particularly the character - rich rural areas that are so common in Mississippi , they truly stand out . I 've always believed that one of the reasons Mississippi has produced so much great literature is that its human dramas stand out in bold relief . And because of the state 's notoriously conflicted history , there are a lot of them . Characters aren 't relegated to background noise . They sometimes appear on your porch , more than once . They also create their own microclimates . Faced with the prospects of both Estelle and Nick roaming freely through our domains , we - my neighbors and I - not only were unable to ignore them , but began , essentially , to conjure them . During a particularly intense lightning storm one night , Paul saw the flashing outside his windows and thought it was Nick roaming around with a flashlight . When his electric gate malfunctioned and he found it open when it should have been closed , and vice versa , he suspected Nick . When I couldn 't find my car keys , I wondered if Estelle had entered my house and hidden them from me . When Paul 's wife Libby was walking in the woods and caught a glimpse of what turned out to be one of the deer hunters , who did not reply when she called out , she ran back to the house , imagining Nick on her trail . Lately , the mysterious non - encounters appear to have abated . Everything has remained largely in place . After her brief encore , Estelle has returned to the inside . Nick , though everyone remains poised to see him , has not actually been sighted for weeks . But that doesn 't stop us from wondering . When the moon emerges from behind the clouds , and a branch breaks in the woods , I always wonder if one of them is approaching my house . " I hear you , Estelle ! I mean Nick ! " I might call out . I also wonder if the two of them ever cross paths as they explore what is , for them , very familiar terrain . For us , their particular terra will forever be incognita , and thank Posted by |
When I started running about 4 years ago , I didn 't know where it would take me . In fact , I didn 't even know if it would last . As I 've said before , I hated running as a kid , so I never saw myself becoming a runner . When Tyler made it a part of my training with him , I was skeptical , to say the least . Somewhere along the way , I fell in love with running . And it happened before I realized it was happening . I think that is one of the most unexpected things is what I found through running . I moved to Canada almost 19 years ago , after I got married . I was born and raised in the United States . I met , fell in love with , and married a Canadian . When I moved , I left a lot behind . I moved far away from my family and friends . I knew no one in Canada , apart from my husband 's family and friends . I moved from a big city to a small town . There was a lot - A LOT - of adjustments I had to make . And it wasn 't easy . The hardest part was not being near my family . My family has always been important to me . I had always lived near at least some of them , so moving over 1000 miles away was difficult . We didn 't have Facebook back then , so it wasn 't as easy to stay in touch . I called as often as I could and visited when finances and schedules allowed . To be honest , it felt like I lost them . I don 't know if that makes any sense , but it 's how I felt . And actually , I still feel like that sometimes . As social media has progressed , it 's made it easier to stay in touch . But I still miss seeing them . When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2009 , I felt incredibly alone because none of my family was close by . I told my Dad & Stepmom and one of my brothers over the phone . I was able to tell my mom , one of my brothers and his wife in person , but only because I had a trip planned to see them right after I got the news . In my darkest moments , I would have given almost anything to have them there with me . It was an extremely difficult time . I was still adjusting to life after cancer when a series of events left me completely reeling . I almost lost my dad , my stepmom died suddenly a few months after that , I lost 2 of my beloved cats within a couple of months of each other , and then my mom died . All of that happened in a little over a year . WTF . I went into a depression that I wasn 't sure I could crawl out of . I felt like I lost much of my world . But I eventually started to feel " normal " again . And then I joined a gym . It took a few months , but I slowly made friends there . I 'm still friends with a few of them . One of those friends was Tyler , who would become my personal trainer . And less than a year later , I started running . As I said , I wasn 't sure about running at first . But slowly , I began to enjoy it . And eventually falling in love with it . I certainly didn 't see that coming . I 've never been a part of something so big before . I wasn 't popular in school . I didn 't have a ton of friends . I 've always been a bit of an outcast . The majority of the runners I know I only know on social media - Facebook , Twitter , Instagram . But that doesn 't matter . Because we are all part of the same thing . We 're a community . We 're a family . We are always there for each other . To cheer each other on or pick each other up . My friend JP recently shared a video on Facebook of a woman finishing the London Marathon . She had lost her husband and son and suffered from PTSD . His comment was " This ! 💙 Running will change your life if you have the faith to invite it in … " " the finish line is a thing of magic . no matter the distance , no matter how long it took to get there , you are forever changed once you cross it . whether it 's an actual finish line in a race or an imaginary one you create for yourself . " When I first began my journey to be a healthier person , I wasn 't really sure where it would take me or even how I 'd get there . I just knew that I needed to begin . I also knew that I had to take it slow , at least at first , or I 'd just end up spinning my wheels and would get very far . Baby steps . One thing at a time . It reminds me of a quote by Martin Luther King Jr . " Take the first step in faith . You don 't have to see the whole staircase , just take the first step . " When I first started working with Tyler , he asked me what some of my goals were . I explained a bit about my journey , and that one of my goals was to walk in and complete a 5k event . I 'd given myself a year to complete that goal . With Tyler 's help , I was able to complete that goal in less than 4 months . It was a very hot and extremely humid day in July 2012 . It was a small local race put on by a friend of mine . And I was the only one walking it . A spectator asked if he could walk along with him , and I said yes . I found out his girlfriend was one of the runners . He and I became good friends that day . Not far from the finish , I had to sit down on a bench because I was having trouble breathing . ( I had forgotten my inhaler ) . After a few minutes , I was able to continue . When I rounded the last corner right before the finish line , I was amazed to see so many people waiting . As soon as they saw me , they started cheering , and I 'm pretty sure I started tearing up . I remember an incredible sense of pride and accomplishment as I crossed the finish line that day . It was one of the hardest things I 'd done up to that point , and that made that feeling all the more special . In 2015 , I took on one of my biggest challenges - completing a half marathon . An incredibly intimidating goal to me , especially considering I 'd never done more than 10k before . But I was determined to do it . Every run had its own finish line . Whatever the distance that day , I wouldn 't stop until I reached it . I 'd carefully map out my runs to make sure I could cover the distance . I often planned them so I 'd end at my favourite coffee shop . As the weeks of training continued , the runs got longer , and I 'd have to remap to make sure I covered at least the distance necessary . Often , my runs were a little bit longer than they needed to be . There were days that were hot and humid ( even early in the morning ) , but that didn 't stop me . One of my longest runs was done in the rain , 17 . 25k , but I didn 't let that stop me either . Another run my back seized up with about 2k to go , but I just kept moving forward . I trained for 4 months . 4 runs a week . Every single run I did by myself . And some days it was very hard . It 's not easy training alone . Especially for something so big . There were days I didn 't want to run , but I did it anyway . Some mornings I wanted to sleep in , but I got up anyway . I was determined to cross that finish line . Things didn 't go very well on race day . Things happened that were completely out of my control , but I didn 't let that stop me . I kept moving forward . It took me longer than I 'd hoped , but in the end , I crossed the finish line . And once again , I knew my life was changed forever . Now , when I think I can 't do something , I think about my races . 30 races total . And I have finished every one . Every . Single . One . Often I 'm the very last person in , but that doesn 't matter to me . And crossing the finish line never gets old . I get goosebumps every time . I often tear up . Because I 've accomplished something truly amazing . Every goal I set has its own finish line . Only I can see it , but it 's there . Every time I accomplish something I set out to do , I cross that finish line . I think some people were just born to be a runner . But I don 't think I 'm one of those people . I never liked running . In fact , I hated it as a kid . I never liked running . In fact , I hated it as a kid . Growing up , my asthma was really bad , which prevented me from doing a lot of stuff . Plus I 've been overweight most of my life . I remember early on in our time together I joked several times about how I don 't run . I don 't know if that 's where he got the idea , but one day he had me run on the treadmill . I was terrified I was going to fall off . That first run was only 30 seconds , but damn , it felt like forever ! It took a while , but I was eventually able to run much longer . And then we moved outside , which I found much harder at the beginning . Eventually , I came to love running outside and dreaded when I had to be on the treadmill . For one , I find it challenging . I put everything I have into every run . I 'm not fast . At all . When I talk about running , I often say that " I have one speed … and it ain 't fast ! " There are people who walk faster than I run . But I don 't care . Which leads me to the next thing . A runner is a runner . It doesn 't matter what you look like , doesn 't matter where you live , doesn 't matter your speed , doesn 't matter how long you 've been running , doesn 't matter how often you run . None of that matters . If you run , you 're a runner . Period . I love that . Which , of course , leads me to the next thing . The running community . This might be one of the biggest reasons I 've continued to run . Runners stick together . A runner supports other runners . No matter what , there are always people cheering me on , encouraging me . Even if , or maybe especially if , we are strangers . Every race I do , there are people waiting at the finish line to cheer for me and tell me I did a great job . I love that . They may never realize just how much something like that means to someone like me . And here 's the thing about the running community , runners are everywhere . So no matter where I go , where I run , where I talk about running , there are runners there . I 've connected with a lot of runners all over the world through social media . And we support each other because we are all runners . The running community is the most inclusive group I 've ever been a part of . If you run , you 're part of the running community . Everyone is welcome . How awesome is that ! Which leads me to the next thing . Racing . I love doing local races . Every race I 've done so far has been a local race . Some day I 'll expand to races farther away , but for now , I 'm happy to do all the local races I can . And doing local races helps support charities and causes in my community , so it 's a win / win really . Most of the time , I 'm the last one across the finish line . But I don 't care . The point is , I crossed it . I 've only been running about 4 years . I 've done about 30 races total in that time . And I have always crossed the finish line . I 'm very proud of that , and I think that it is one of my greatest accomplishments . I don 't make resolutions , haven 't for many years . I prefer to make goals . " Resolutions " doesn 't have the same commitment to it as " goals " does . At least in my opinion . I didn 't make any real goals last year . I started the year feeling very burned out and just couldn 't wrap my head around what to do next . But that 's in the past . Nothing I can do about it , except learn from it . I didn 't make any real goals last year . I started the year feeling very burned out and just couldn 't wrap my head around what to do next . But that 's in the past . Nothing I can do about it , except learn from it . So now it 's 2017 . I had already been thinking about goals for the year long before the new year rolled around . I already had it in my mind a few things I want to do this year . As the year progresses , new goals will be added . That 's one thing I 've learned , you can always add to your list . You don 't need a new year , a new month , a new week . Just add to your list as you go along . Sure , I have a list of big goals , big dreams . I 'm sure most people do . But I 've learned over the last few years that it 's important to make smaller goals along the way to the big ones . As the year progresses , new goals will be added . That 's one thing I 've learned , you can always add to your list . You don 't need a new year , a new month , a new week . Just add to your list as you go along . Sure , I have a list of big goals , big dreams . I 'm sure most people do . But I 've learned over the last few years that it 's important to make smaller goals along the way to the big ones . I will often take a big goal and break it down into smaller ones to make it more manageable and less intimidating . I 've noticed I accomplish more doing it that way . That 's my main goal of the year . I spent much of 2016 injured and feeling burned out . Consequently , I lost much of what I gained in previous years . So I 'm dedicating 2017 to rebuilding . I decided I needed a plan . I did well in 2015 because I was following a training plan to prepare for my first half marathon . I also decided that I basically needed to start from the beginning and work my way back up . I knew I couldn 't start where I left off . I had to ease my way back in , to prevent burnout and injury . I also decided that I would work on one month at a time . I took the training plan I used in 2015 and stripped it down to the basics . I scheduled in run / walks , strength training , cross training , stretching , food prep , and rest . That might seem like a lot , but it 's not really . I decided I would not worry about time or distance with my run / walks . Some days I might be able to do more than others . Some days I might struggle a lot . I lost much of the base I had , so I need to rebuild it . Almost from scratch . The point is to get out there and do what I can . After Christmas , I bought new running shoes , which I needed , as well as grips to help if it 's icy . I also have relatively easy access to the indoor track , so I really don 't have much of an excuse not to do it . So that 's the first part of rebuilding . Run as much as I can . Walk when I need to . Just get out there and do it . The strength training and cross training is similar . Do what I can . I don 't have a gym membership , but I don 't necessarily need one either . I know many exercises that don 't require being in a gym , and most require little to no equipment . I have a few things at home that I can use . And if there are days that I feel like I need more equipment , I can always pay the day rate at a local gym . Again , the point is to do what I can . And also not to overdo it . Every little bit counts . Food prep has been a constant . It 's something I enjoy doing every week . I need to keep doing it , making sure I have plenty of healthy meals and snacks ready . It might seem like a lot , but it really isn 't . And I made the plan flexible enough that I can move things around when necessary . A few days in and things are going well . Towards the end of the month , I will map out the plan for February . Much of this year will be devoted to rebuilding . My main focus is to get back into running and working out on a regular basis . This is something I really neglected last year . As the year goes on , I look forward to seeing the progress I will be making . I 'm looking forward to doing great things . Okay . I know it 's been a while since I posted anything . I 'll explain that in another post . But for now , let me tell you what happened today … So awhile back I decided that I needed to get my butt back in gear and running again . I wrote up a plan that would start with the new year . I lost a lot of the running base I add due to injury ( more on that later ) and need to rebuild . So my plan is to start out slow , run when I can and work my way back up to what I know I 'm capable of doing . With that in mind , I decided to go out of my comfort zone and do a Resolution Run on January 1st . My local running store does one every year and I decided this would be the year that I would tackle it . I wasn 't sure if I would need the grips this morning , but I took them with me anyway . The sidewalk and road by our house were icy , but that didn 't mean it would be icy near the running store . The route would be part sidewalk , part road . And there is a giant hill involved . I was excited , although a little nervous . When we got to the store , the sidewalks didn 't look that bad . I ultimately decided not to use the grips . Looking back , I should have used them . Read on to see why … So we head out to the start . This is when I notice the sidewalks look icy than I first thought . But too late to go back to put the grips on . I knew that I would need to be extra careful . I never worry about how long it takes me to finish , I just worry about finishing . That 's always my first goal - cross the finish line . Anyway , so off we go and lots of people are being extra careful . There were a few slight slips at the beginning , but no one fell , so that 's good . Pretty soon everyone was way past me , but I don 't really mind . I 'm pretty well used to that . We had been warned that there was a big icy patch at the corner where we turn . I was prepared for that . I get to the corner , see the ice , and carefully cross the road . Now here is where I messed up . I was thinking there was a sidewalk as soon as I crossed the road . It 's been a while since I ran in this area , so I didn 't remember that the sidewalk starts a little farther up the road . Anyway , after crossing the road , I end up walking in the parking lot , which of course is covered in ice . I 'm trying to figure out how to get off the ice safely and get back to the road or to where the sidewalk is . I make it to the area where there is snow . It 's not far to the road , so I think I can just gingerly step through the snow to the road . I get about halfway across when I step on a spot that is not firmly packed , and I sink into the snow up to my thigh . Just one leg . I try to get myself out , and sort of manage to , but then I fall again into the same area . Now I 'm really stuck . Looking back , I remember thinking I hope I don 't ruin my brand new shoes . I went straight down , so I didn 't think I was hurt . There was a woman across the street who was running and she saw me fall . At first , she didn 't know I was stuck , but as soon as she realized I couldn 't get out , she ran across the street to help me . She didn 't have gloves on , so she ran back across to her car to get her gloves , then back across to me . While she did that , I called my husband who was nearby waiting for me to finish . At this point , a gentleman showed up as well to help . Between the 2 of them , they helped me get out of the snowbank and over to the road . Then they helped me across the road to where my husband picked me up . He drove me back to the running store . I was a little shaky , and pretty embarrassed , but I was okay . When I got back to the running store , I think they were a little surprised to see me back so soon . I explained that I had fallen . I was okay , just a little shaky . I was upset because I 've never not finished a race before . They asked if I wanted to go out again , and I said no , I was afraid to fall again . They gave me the option of doing a different route so I could still finish the race . I was happy with that . So while the others were making their way back , my husband and I were walking the remainder of the distance near the store . When my friend Meggan finished , I explained to her what happened . She asked if I was okay . I said I was , just a little shaky . My pride was hurt more than anything . She walked with me for a bit to finish the distance of the race . I was starting to feel a little sore , but nothing too bad . I did notice a small cut on my left ankle . I might have some bruising , but overall I 'm okay . As Meggan and I were talking after the race , we began to find the humour in the situation . Looking back , it is pretty funny . I can only imagine what people driving by must have thought seeing me stuck in that snowbank . I 'm short anyway , so having my leg stuck in that snowbank almost all the way up must have looked pretty funny . Meggan said they are probably telling their family and friends " guess what I saw today ! " And then I said , " and yeah they probably won 't be believed . Sort of like saying you saw Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster . " We both thought that was pretty funny too . And then Meggan said , " Just think . You started the race , got stuck in a snowbank , had 2 strangers help you out , and you still managed to cover the distance ! And the award for the best story goes to … " I decided to start the new year by doing a 5k race . I fell into a snow bank and got stuck . My pride took a big hit . I was rescued by 2 strangers . But I still managed to cover the distance . Whoever said running is boring . It 's been 2 weeks since I completed my first half marathon . Through 4 months of training and the race itself , I learned a lot . And as they say , hindsight is 20 / 20 . Looking back , there are things I wish I had done , and some I 'm glad did . You can never really be completely prepared , but the more prepared you are , the better . If you think you 've done enough training on hills , you haven 't . Do more . And do a variety of sizes . There is an art form to running up AND down hills . If you need help with something , ASK ! Runners are a friendly group . Most love helping other runners . Just remember that what works for one person may not necessarily work for you . Pay attention to the weather , even during training . You don 't want to dress too lightly or too heavily . And learn to run in less than ideal conditions , like when it 's raining . It goes back to being prepared . I woke up Sunday morning with the typical pre - race nerves . I 've done enough races now that I knew I 'd have them . Truth be told , I 'd been feeling them for a few days . Although this time , the nerves were much stronger than they had ever been before . I shouldn 't have been surprised , considering this would be the biggest race I had ever done before . I was up earlier than would normally be for a race day , but I had to be . It was going to take about an hour to get to the location , and they close the roads , so we had to be out there before that . I showered and dressed , and then made my way downstairs for breakfast and coffee . I added a few last minute things into the bag I was taking to the race . And I made sure I had everything I needed in my race vest . I took the time to do some stretching as well . I like to do some stretching before a race because it helps calm me a bit . Soon enough Karen arrived to pick me up . We stopped on the way to race for coffee ( for me ) and tea ( for her ) . We made sure we had plenty of time to get there , just in case there was traffic . As it turned out , there really wasn 't any , which meant we got to the location pretty early . The way this race works is everyone parks where the finish line is and then you are transported by bus to your start line . This race is a full marathon , half - marathon , and relay race . Karen and I were both doing the half , and several other people we know were too . One friend was supposed to do the full , but he injured himself and had to pull out . The full marathon and relay start 2 hours before the half , which I think is a little weird . If you think you will take over a certain amount of time for the full , there is an early start option . There is no option for the half . After waiting for what seemed like forever , it was finally time for us to board our bus . As we were getting ready to get on the bus , I realized I left my belt bottle in Karen 's van . I decided not to go back for it , thinking I 'd be okay since there would be a water station about every 2 kms on the course . We took the first one going to our start line . Karen told me to go ahead of her , and we joked that she was going to block me from trying to run away LOL . So we get to the start line , and we have over an hour wait until we run . It seems like a ridiculous amount of time to wait ! And all it did was give me more time to freak out . I talked to other runners and paced around trying to keep calm , but it didn 't help that much . I really was freaking out . More and more runners were arriving and all that did was freak me out more ! As I was pacing around , I saw Tyler . I didn 't know he had planned to run . It was actually a great comfort to see him there . We chatted for a few , and then he left to do his warm - up . Finally it was getting closer to the time . I checked my bag , as all the other runners were doing . The first runners in the marathon were passing by , and everyone cheered . The sun was mostly shining , which I was happy about , but it was very windy . The wind made it cold . Thankfully , I had gloves and a buff on . I wasn 't sure if I would need to keep the gloves on throughout the race , but I was happy to have them at the start . It was finally time to line up . I stayed near the back , as I always do , out of respect for the faster runners . Finally it was go time . I was happy to finally going . I had been going a bit crazy ! All that wait time I had been questioning everything from my training to my sanity . As I crossed the start line , I reminded myself of a few things : This was my race , not anyone else 's . Don 't out too fast . No matter what , I had to cross the finish line . Don 't worry about the time , worry about finishing . There were a few people along the road cheering for the runners / walkers as they passed by . I thought that was pretty cool . There was a family with their dog , and as I went by , I said hi to them and the dog . The dog seemed to want to join me in the race . Everyone laughed . The first part of the race was relatively flat . I was totally okay with that . I slowed to a walk at the first water station , grabbed a drink , and moved on . The scenery was pretty . I thought about pausing a couple of times to snap some pictures , but I never did . As the course moved along the water , the wind really picked up . I pulled my buff over the back of my head so my hat wouldn 't blow off . It was mostly a head wind , which kind of sucked , but nothing I could do about it . Slower marathon runners and relayers passed me . We shared words of encouragement . That 's always nice . I paused at each water station I passed . I was very happy they were there . I thanked all the volunteers as I continued on . I had to stop a couple of times to use the porta potties too . Happy to see them there too ! I followed the fueling plan I had worked out in training , taking in a gel about every 2 kms . I made sure I had plenty of them with me , in case I needed extra . Plus I had some chews as well . Pretty soon , I was alone on the road . And I knew I would be . I was okay with that . By most standards , I 'm a slow runner , but I don 't care . I had my music to keep me company as I was running , as I almost always do . As I was going along , it seemed to me that there weren 't as many water stations as there should have been . I figured maybe I just wasn 't paying attention to the kms as much . I didn 't really think about it too much to begin with . But as I neared the halfway point , 2 large trucks passed me with their backs open . One I noticed had tables in it , like the ones at the water stations . As I neared what should have been a water station , I saw the trucks stop . A guy got out of truck , picked up the KM sign that was ahead and put it in the truck . I started to freak out ! I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Karen , who I knew had already finished and was waiting at the finish line . I explained what was happening and she went to find one of the race people . I also sent a text to my friend Jeff , who had been sending me texts since the race started . I told him what was going on and that I was freaking out . He did his best to calm me down , but it was difficult . This was my worst nightmare ! I was being left alone on the course ! ! A couple of kms later , I finally came across another water station . It was being manned by a woman and her kids . They were really nice . I was so happy to see them ! Two of the kids decided to walk to the end of the road with me . I thought that was really nice . After I had passed them , the woman closed up her water station . She gave me a bottle of water , which I greatly appreciated . As I continued on , a cop came by in his car to tell me that the roads had been reopened and to remind me to stay to the side of the road . I thanked him and continued on . A little bit farther down the road , there was a guy stacking wood in his yard . He asked me how I was doing and I said I was fine . He asked me if I was going to finish , and I said " Hell yeah ! " He laughed . About another km or so , the woman from the water station came by in her car . She offered me another bottle of water . She said all the other stations have been closed up and she wanted to make sure I had enough water . I took the bottle and thanked her . I told her I was very upset about the water stations , and she said she was too . I wish I had gotten her name . I was pretty much only walking at this point . I was really upset and trying not to completely lose it . I was on the shoulder of the road , and it was hard to run on the gravel and dirt . A few times , I wasn 't even sure I was going the right way . Karen was going her best to keep me calm too , but she knew I was having a hard time out there . A couple of times Karen texted me to ask where I was at . I didn 't always know , which of course freaked me out too . I told her at one point that there was a large hill just ahead of me . I was beginning to wonder if the road ever ended . I was pretty angry at the race people . I did my best to use that to keep moving . The lady from the water station came by one more time , just to make sure I was okay . I thanked her again . Another lady drove by , asked if I was okay and if I wanted a ride to the finish . I told her I was okay , and no , I needed to finish . I had to go up another hill and the road was curving , so I hoped that meant I was getting close to the final turn onto Main Street . As I was heading up the hill , I saw Karen walking towards me . I was so glad to see her ! At least I knew I getting closer to the finish . At least I hoped so . My back was feeling a little sore . And I thought I could feel a blister on my foot . But I wasn 't going to give up . I knew I had slowed down quite a bit , but I didn 't care . I was determined to finish the race . As Karen and I walked , we talked about how the race had left me out there alone . What really made the both of us mad was that we had talked to them the day before at packet pick up . The guy we spoke to guaranteed me that they would not shut down the water stations as long as someone was still out there . But that 's exactly what happened . As we got closer to the finish , a guy came up to us . He was from the race . He said that they had shut everything down at the finish line , and that they would contact me about getting me my finisher medal . I became even angrier ! I asked about my backpack that I had checked . They said they had it . I told him I needed it , that it had my glasses in it . He called the lady who had it . After a couple of minutes , he came back to us . He said that he will go meet her to get it and my medal and meet us at the finish line . Then he left . I swear , I could have spit nails at that point ! ! Thankfully , it wasn 't too much farther to the end . As we finally neared where the finish line should have been , a man stepped out and started clapping . I didn 't know who he was . Once I crossed , he came up to me . He said he was one of the bus drivers and had been watching me all day . He said he stayed there waiting for me . He said " everyone deserves to have someone cheering for them at the finish line . " I was crying . I thanked him repeatedly . I told him he has no idea how much that means to me . I wish I had gotten his name . Finally , the other guy arrived . He gave me my backpack and my medal . Karen took a picture of me . The guy asked me what my finishing time was . I told him what my running app said , and he wrote it down . He said it would be entered into the stats . And he once again said that one of the race directors would be in contact with me . Karen ran to the get the car , I slowly got in , and we drove home . I repeatedly thanked her for coming to my rescue and helping me finish . It was the hardest thing I have ever done - both mentally and physically . It was not the way I had hoped the race would go . It was not the finish I had pictured . I missed out on the post - race food , beer , and celebrations . I missed getting an official race photo . I 'm angry that I was lied to and abandoned on the race course . I had plenty of chances to give up , but I didn 't . I didn 't do as much strength training as I should have . It 's something I 've been struggling with doing on my own . When I belonged to a gym and had a workout partner , I did better with it . But that 's another story . As far as the running went , I 'm really happy with how I did . I covered a lot of kilometres . I mean A LOT ! It got a little hard when my long runs got over 10k , but I kept pushing myself and refusing to give up . I had a few tough runs where part of me wanted to give up , but thankfully the bigger part of me just wouldn 't . I tried different fueling options throughout my training . I actually enjoyed trying different gel flavours . Speaking with runners on Twitter , I 've found that gels are very polarizing , for the most part - people either love them or hate them . Very rarely is there anyone in between . Personally , I love them . They are easy to carry and easy to take . They provide much needed energy to keep me going . There are several different brands , but I prefer the GU brand the best . They have a wide variety of flavours , which I like . I purchased several different flavours to use during the race . I also tried some different chews during training . There are not as many different flavours of those though . I did pick up some for the race just in case . I also trained with either plain water or Gatorade G2 red ( fruit punch ) . I prefer the Gatorade , and will use it during the race . I will also take advantage of the water stations along the course . During training , I purchased a few new pieces of gear . First I bought running socks . After running in them a few times , I concluded that they weren 't any better than my sport socks . I 'll be wearing my normal sport socks during the race . Next , I bought a belt bottle holder . It wore it for a lot of training runs , and even a couple short races . I really liked it . It was easy to wear and the bottle easy to access . I 'll be wearing it tomorrow too . Lastly , I bought a vest . I knew I would need something to carry my gels and things in during the race , and a vest seemed the best option . The one I bought is actually a fishing vest , but it works perfectly . I wore it on several training runs , even in the rain . It does exactly what I need it to , and will be wearing it tomorrow . As my training runs got longer , I had to get creative with my route . I wanted to make sure I stayed in areas I was pretty familiar with , that were well travelled in case of emergency , that had bathrooms nearby , and where I could get something to eat or drink if needed . I saw a lot of the same people on my long runs . And most of them were kind enough to share encouraging words . They might not have any idea how much that meant to me . It really helped when I was struggling . I was reminded several times just how important it is to stretch . More than once , I either didn 't do it , or didn 't do it enough , and paid for it . Once on a long run , I felt my back tighten up . It was a struggle to finish , but I did . Once I did some stretching , I felt much better . I need to remember to do it more often . One of the things that really helped me through my training was the support I got from my family and friends . Moments when I was struggling or was unsure if I could really do what I was trying to do , they were there to help pick me up and remind me that I could do it and how well I was doing . That really meant a lot to me . I ran / walked 75 . 42k more than I had to . I 'm pretty proud of that . And those numbers don 't include the month I did what I called my pre - training . That 's another 124 . 89k . This was the second to last week of training and that means it 's taper time ! I 've never gone through a taper before , so I wasn 't sure what to expect . Up until now , I 've done mostly 5k races , with one 10k race in the mix , so there was . I need to taper . But I knew with this race , the taper would be necessary . And frankly , I was looking forward to it . Life has been throwing me some curve balls lately , so I was happy to take it a little easier . I did have to move some stuff around this week , but that 's okay . TUESDAY - I did an easy 6 . 5k , mostly a power walk . WEDNESDAY - I had to move Thursday 's workout to today . Another 6 . 5k , again mainly power walk . THURSDAY - Had to take today as a rest day because my husband had minor surgery . I did manage a few flights of stairs while waiting for him . SATURDAY - The last big run before race day . My plan called for 10k , but I planned on pushing it to 11k . I finished at 11 . 25k . And it felt really good . Then did an easy 1 . 5k walk home . In total , I did 30 . 75k this week . Much of it was walking or power walking , but I 'm okay with that . I did my best to not push myself too hard this week . I also have been trying to keep myself busy so the nerves won 't get to me too much . Slowly I 've been gathering things for my race bag . I 've never put one together before , so I 'm not totally sure what I need to put in there . But with advice from my running tweeps on Twitter , I have some good ideas of what I need . Another week of training is complete . And it was a pretty good week for the most part . My husband and I were supposed to go away on Thursday for the weekend , but ended up not being able to go . I was very disappointed . But at least I didn 't need to shift my training runs around . TUESDAY - Work has picked up with the start of the school year , so instead of running in the morning as I had been all summer , I did my run in the afternoon . Not used to running later in the day . I struggled a little , but still logged my 6 . 5k for the day . THURSDAY - Again , I moved my run to the afternoon . I decided to try the treadmill for a change . It had been about a year since I 'd been on one , and I forgot how hard it is ! It didn 't help that the workout studio was a little warm . In the end , I managed 4k on it . Then I immediately went over to the indoor track to finish the last 2 . 5k I needed . Thankfully it was MUCH cooler in there ! In total , I logged 6 . 62k for the day . SATURDAY - Long run day . This was my last long run before race day . My plan called for 18k , but I wanted to push that distance a little bit . It was a little hard , but at least it wasn 't raining . I finally stopped at 18 . 77k . It got a little slow near the end , but I was still happy with it . SUNDAY - My schedule had me doing a short run , so I decided to do a local 5k race . ( My running app actually logged it as 5 . 26k ) . It was a good solid run . I was happy with how well I did . Look for a race recap post very soon ! With fall approaching , it 's getting lighter later so it 's not easy to go running first thing in the morning . I don 't yet own anything reflective so I 'm not comfortable with running in low light . Hopefully that will change soon . I 've been chatting with more experienced runners lately about my upcoming half marathon . They have been giving me some really good advice . As race day gets closer and closer , I 'm getting more nervous . It helps to talk to runners who have done the race before . I need to remember to do several stretch sessions between now and race day . Stretching is so important . I need to do it more often . I would love to take a yoga class some time . Maybe I 'll get a chance over the winter . I also need to remember to keep myself hydrated . I 'm not always good about drinking enough water . But I need to be better at it , especially for this race . I need to be able to keep going . I need to cross that finish line . I 'm going to try keeping a log of how much I drink throughout the day . I will be going to the running store soon to pick up more fuel . Whatever I decide to get is what I will be using for the race . I 've rather enjoyed trying different things during my training . I 'm also starting to think about what to put in my race bag . I 'm sure I will get lots of advice from my more experienced runner friends as to what to include . At least I hope I will . Anyway , I think that 's about it for this week . |
This short story set in the Savannah Zombie Novel universe takes place at the same time as the first entry , A New Death . It focuses in on thirteen year old CJ and his family , who appear in A New Darkness . This story bridges books 1 and 2 . We made it to the rooftop . I looked at the three others in our small ragtag group . We were exhausted , but our spirits were high . Even old man Bill had a smile on his face as he lit one of his last cigarettes . The helipad radio had fired to life only minutes ago and the voice of maybe the last helicopter pilot in the city came through it . He was willing to pick us up . We just had to wait . We crossed the city in pretty good time by my guess . Even the detour through the sewers didn 't slow us down much . It was gross , but it didn 't kill our time . The climb up to the roof of Mercy Hospital , well that was a different story . If it hadn 't been for that damn witch sitting in the middle of the hallway , we 'd have been alright . Thankfully , the Army left us a cache of weapons on the rooftop terrace . The city had been full of last - ditch efforts by our military to arm survivors . They may have not had the resources to evac everyone , but at least they had enough sense to give us a fighting chance . We loaded what ammo we could into our guns and into our pockets just as the first wave of zombies showed up . Fighting the undead had become pretty standard procedure . It was the damn special ones you had to watch out for . I aimed my shotgun for the pulled tight tongue first . One blast severed the nasty thing , freeing the young girl . My eyes followed the writhing appendage back to its owner , but he was out of range for my shotgun . I 'd just tickle him if I tried shooting . I ran for the chain gun . Louis began peppering the massive beast with fire from his assault rifle . We encountered one of these things before and it was hell to put it down . The chain gun should help that . The towering mass of muscle seemed to absorb the bullets like lotion . The nagging thought in the back of my head saying the chain gun wouldn 't do the trick began screaming . I ignored it . The beast had its tiny eyes fixed on me . It ran , its giant arms pumping it forward like a gorilla on cocaine . The barrels on the minigun began to glow red , but I didn 't let off . The blinking light of a pipe bomb arced through the air and landed mere feet from the approaching Tank . It exploded , causing the Tank to stumble and fall . It fell to the ground and came to a sliding stop . I watched as another Tank appeared and separated me from the group . I ran , away from the helicopter , away from the Tank . It was so close behind me I could feel its stench . I am sure my back was broken . Everything hurt . It wouldn 't hurt for long though . The ground was quickly rushing up to put an end to all that . Left 4 Dead puts you in the middle of the zombie apocalypse with three other people . You must use teamwork and strategy in order to survive . The gameplay is basic : Get from Point A to Point B without dying . Repeat . And then there 's the water cooler moments , or as I like to call them , " Holy Crap , did that just happen ? " moments . Like the time a Tank punched me off the roof in the No Mercy finale . Or the time I accidently shot a car with a car alarm and alerted the horde . Or the time I snuck up behind a cowering Witch without alerting her and killed her in one shot . There 's all these cool little moments in the game that just add to the overall gameplay . For me , these are all about the story . It these " Holy Crap " moments that push us forward and keep us wanting more . I try to incorporate moments like this into my books . Things that when you read them , you simply have no choice but to keep reading and find out what happens next . You may know them by another name : cliffhangers . ( Breaking Bad fans will be familiar with these , but they may refer to them as " the end of an episode . " ) The wood crackled and shifted in the brick fireplace . Lexx leaned forward and placed another log into the slowly dying fire . It quickly caught flame and the fire grew . Before reclining back into his spot against the couch , he pulled a small sliver from the fire and held the burning tip to his newly found cigar . He puffed patiently , allowing the tobacco to light . A sweet smelling smoke filled the room , but no one seemed to mind . The man grinned his boyish - grin and sat back into his spot next to Tori on the carpet . Josh lay adjacent to them in the love seat ; his feet pointed towards the warmth of the fireplace . His eyes were shut , most likely resting , not sleeping . Every now and again , his toes would wiggle , almost to acknowledge he was still awake . Everyone was exhausted . It could be seen on each one of their faces . The events of the past few days had been physically wearing , and just as emotionally tiresome . After leaving Savannah and the trials that they faced there , the road to Josh 's family did not seem any easier . Three times already they have had to find an alternate route due to road blocks . Once , they actually found themselves on I - 16 which should have been clogged with fleeing traffic , but due to a massive pile - up , was mostly empty past Effingham County . And then there were the dead . Their numbers weren 't swollen like in the city , but the small groups that banded together out in the country could be just as frustrating . They did seem to group together . Josh was convinced that the undead didn 't " communicate " in a normal sense , but when one moaned , the others heard it and moved in that direction . He was afraid of them grouping in large numbers , like at the grocery store and the day he rescued the others . But despite all this , despite that they were probably still a day 's journey from his family , everyone was in good spirits . The house they were currently in was a God - send . It was tucked out of the way , away from the roads and neighboring homes . And best of all , it was left almost entirely intact . Whoever lived here , left everything and split . There was the possibility that they never came home , but no one ever brought that up . Jeremy tried not to think about Ben , to which he immediately felt somewhat guilty for trying to do . He did want to remember him , but it was still hard . The two men had formed a friendship against the backdrop of the end of the world . Jeremy was just glad that the Lumberjack got what he deserved for killing Ben . " So , Josh , " Lexx started . " I still haven 't heard how you ended up being in the right place at the right time . I didn 't have the pleasure of riding in the cab of the truck . " " Yeah , that 's fine , I guess . Not like we 'll be sleeping much anyway , " he said , playfully elbowing Tori in her ribs . She pushed him away , but couldn 't hide the small smile on her face . Everyone settled down . Tori and Lexx moved from the floor to the couch ; Jeremy brought the seat up , but left the footrest out for optimal foot warming from the fire . Lexx reached over , grabbed the blanket sitting on the arm of the couch and then to proceeded to cover himself and Tori . She snuggled into his side . " Work sent me down to Brunswick late in the afternoon last Thursday . We were finishing a job down there , a high school , and had to get a whole bunch of our ladders and tools out of the building . It was this whole last minute " fiasco " ( he uses " air - quotes " ) , and the stuff had to be out of the school by that night . So , I got the pleasure of driving south and picking everything up . I left our shop - Can I just say something real quick ? I think it 's crazy how the warehouse that y ' all met in and spent your first night together , is the same place I work . I mean , what are those odds ? That you would stay there and then later , when all hope seems lost , who shows up ? Just a guy driving a truck from the same exact place ! Anyways , just thought I 'd say that . So , I left the shop sometime around two , I think ? Yeah , it was around two , because I remember thinking about how Brunswick is an hour away , and that meant two hours of travel time and however long it would take to load everything on the truck . And it was so hot that day . So freaking hot . I get down to the job site around three . Everything was still normal then . A couple of the guys met me outside the school and informed me that they were still hunting down ladders within the building . Tools have a great way of disappearing on construction sites , but I digress . It takes us an hour to track down the last five remaining ladders . The school was massive , this two - story deal , with a huge courtyard in the middle of it . Everything there was state of the art . Real top - notch kind of place . Kids would have been lucky to have gone there if they ever got the chance . But now they won 't . At least for now . I was fixing to crank up the truck and leave , when we heard the first of the screams . They came from the front side of the building . The three of us ran towards the commotion ; I left the keys dangling in the ignition . I quickly passed both of them . Both were chain - smokers and both were having trouble catching their breath . What they were about to see , would not help . I got there first and knew instantly what was going on . When I saw the four bodies hunched over the kicking and screaming man , I knew exactly what I was looking at . There was no question in my mind . But , even though I knew what was happening , my body wouldn 't react . I remember standing there , frozen to the ground ; my brain racing to process this new information . I screamed within my skull , yelling at myself to move , to act somehow . Johnny and Larry finally arrived next to me . Johnny was keeled over , trying to catch his breath . I seemed to snap out of my daze when they showed up . Larry 's jaw hung open . He went to move forward , to try and help the attacked man , but I held him back . There was nothing we could do for him now . I 'll spare you the details , because I 'm sure you 're aware of the gore these monsters are capable of inflicting . Even if we did get him away from the feeding , there was no way the three of us blue - collar boys would know how to put everything back in him , in the right places . The four zombies were a mixed bag of characters . One construction worker , complete with reflective vest and hardhat . One college kid from the neighboring local university across the street . A guy in business suit and one soccer mom . Of the four , she looked the most fresh , but I would still have classified them as the ' slower ' ones . She noticed us first . Forgetting about the meal in front of her , she slowly stood up , meat hanging from her mouth , and began shambling in our direction . I think my co - workers were still confused at the time as to what was really going on . Larry moved forward again , and for the second time , I held him back . ' There 's nothing we can do for her now , Larry , ' I said . ' We have to go . It 's not safe to stay here . ' He looked at me like I was insane . His shoulder jerked out of my hand as he made his way towards the dead woman . Her arms reached out to him , welcoming his approach . I motioned to Johnny for us to leave . He hesitated a moment , but nodded , and we turned to run . I looked around . More corpses were wandering onto the jobsite . How there were that many , so quick , I don 't understand . It was almost like a switch was flipped and they came off an assembly line . We made the plan to go to his house first . He lived right outside of Brunswick , so it wasn 't far . I knew I had to get to my family back in Savannah , but between my brother - in - law and father - in - law , I knew they would get out of the city safely . My plan was to get Johnny set at his place and then go north from there . At the time , I didn 't know it would take me several days to get back home . I spent that first night at Johnny 's place , helping him set up some defenses . His plan was to hunker down and ride this thing out . And for him that was a great plan . He had mountains of those military meal - ready - to - eat 's , guns galore , and a great location . His home was situated deep within the woods and far enough away from the general population . In the whole time I 've known Johnny , I never would have known he was a doomsday prepper . I left early that next morning . He offered for me to take some MRE 's for the road , so I took several . Those things are definitely designed for essential nutrition , not taste ! ( He chuckles to himself . ) The military 's take on mashed potatoes was indeed questionable . I thanked him and wished him luck before I drove off . Interstate 95 was out of the question . From the exit ramp , I could see it was completely clogged with cars and chaos . I knew I would be taking back roads , but which ones I was unsure . Normally , I would carry a map of Georgia with me . Despite my driving all over the state for my company , they seemed to think that directions scribbled down on a yellow piece of paper were far more superior to a GPS system . I got lost one time too many , so I finally broke down and bought a good old - fashioned folding map . Never got lost again . Highway 17 would have been my next best choice of getting home as quickly as possible . And it would have been , if I didn 't keep running into roadblocks of all freaking kinds . Car wrecks were the worst . Some I was able to get by , thanks to the new brush - guard my company bought for the truck . Others on the other hand required some extensive backtracking and huge losses of time . I eventually had to stop for the night . I didn 't want to risk anything in the dark . Being out in the country , the only light I had was the moon , the stars , and the headlights of the truck . Long story short , I found an old , abandoned barn to sleep in . I didn 't want to sleep in the truck , running the chance of getting surrounded and trapped . My cell phone didn 't have any reception , and I don 't think it was because I was in the middle of nowhere . I had the sneaky suspicion that no cell phones had reception . Anywhere . The next morning , I woke up and made my way down to the truck . I was stopped when I saw one lone zombie wandering between the truck and myself . It was a little boy , maybe ten years old . He wore a Buzz Lightyear t - shirt and stained matching pajama pants . His skin was their trademark pale , his eyes sunken and dark . Small bits of blood gathered around his lips . I wished Johnny would have offered me one of his guns , a pistol at least , but the only thing I had for a weapon was the steel pipe I kept on the truck . It was about a foot and a half long , with a ninety - degree elbow on the end . I kept it on the truck , just in case I ever got into any trouble and needed some physical reinforcement . The boy saw me and began to shamble in my direction . Zombie children are not really something you see a lot of in zombie video games or movies . And I understand why now . His gait was uneven as he hobbled over to me , his little jaw clamping open and shut . He held up his arms , fingers curled , reaching for me . I knew what I had to do ; I just didn 't want to . I swung the pipe , the steel elbow connecting with the boy 's temple . His skull quickly shattered and his body fell limp onto the ground in front of me , thick , red blood oozing from the gaping wound in his head . I stood there in silence for a moment , not sure what to do with myself . The boy was in between the ages of my niece and nephew . My desire to get home grew exponentially . I would pull into the Savannah area later that night . My wife 's sister and her family lived outside of Savannah in Port Wentworth . It took some time avoiding the city , but I finally made it to their house around ten . The place was a mess when I got there . A pile of bodies in the living room , the front door broken in , everything missing from the cabinets , and a trail of blood leading away from the pantry to outside . At first , I was really worried , but quickly relaxed a little . All the food was missing . It took me a minute to realize that meant they were alive . Scavengers wouldn 't have taken everything . Pots , pans , and all the other cooking utensils were gone too . No , my family made it out alive . I was still concerned with all the blood though . Obviously , the bodies in the living room were zombies who had broken in the front door . As I pulled them back outside , I took note of the bullet holes in each one 's forehead . No doubt , my brother - in - law 's doing . The last one I went to pull out didn 't have a bullet wound in the head , no , its face was smashed in completely . I spent some time securing the front and back doors as best as I could , before I walked around and inspected the house . Like I said , the kitchen was empty . I guess they didn 't think I 'd want a snack . Luckily , I still had one MRE left . After finishing that off , I went to check the rest of the house . The master bedroom was a mess , but to be honest , that was somewhat normal . I walked into the adjoining bathroom . " " There was a note written to me on the mirror . It was written by my wife informing me that they were gone to the cabin . The cabin is an old farmhouse that we restored out past Statesboro . It 's our little vacation spot . I had feeling they would be there , but knew I should check Savannah first before heading out west , just in case they didn 't make it out . But seeing her handwriting on the mirror was just further evidence that they had escaped . She also left me the combination to the gun safe as well . I was relieved that although they didn 't leave me anything to eat , they had at least thought to leave me a weapon . Upon opening the safe , I found out that wasn 't entirely the case . Sitting inside the safe was a single six - shot , snub - nosed revolver . And one bullet . One . A note written on a post - it , in my brother - in - law 's handwriting , read , ' just in case . ' Just in case ? It took me a second to understand what it meant . It was a way out . Not that I would use it now , but if I ever got trapped and the only way out was to become a walking corpse , this would give me an alternative . It made me smile , because they knew that I would make it to them alive . They knew there was no way I would let it come to that . And they were right . I woke up the next morning ready to get to my family . As I passed my niece and nephew 's bedrooms upstairs , I stopped and remembered the two of them and how much they meant to me and my wife . We loved those kids like our own . CJ was thirteen now and just growing into this awesome guy . He was huge for his age , as tall as me and his father , maybe even taller . The boy was solid too . He had played football since me and his aunt started dating . But the kid had character too . He was light years ahead of his friends in maturity . He was respectful and a hard worker . While most kids his age were playing video games , he was restoring a Chevrolet Chevelle with his father so he would have a car when he was sixteen . Crazy , right ? You know what I was doing at thirteen ? Trying to figure out how to catch all the Pokémon ! " " Hailey , " Josh continued . " Hailey was just as much fun . She was eight going on nine and talked nonstop . She had grown into that age where everything she thought , was also broadcasted to the world . It could grow old real quick , but I would have given anything then to hear her little voice . As I took one final look at her room , before passing on , I noticed that all her stuffed animals were still sitting on her bed . I guess Chris didn 't let her take any , to save room in the vehicles for important things . I walked into her room and grabbed the green frog I had seen her with numerous times . I smiled and went downstairs . After retrieving the revolver from the gun safe , I had left it there the night before ; I made my way to the back door . The blood leading out from the pantry began to worry me . Why would there have been a bloody something in the pantry ? It was empty now , so whatever it was , was long gone . I shook it off and readied myself for what could be waiting for me outside . I opened the back door and there were three zombies in between me and the truck . Two of them I didn 't recognize , but one I did . It was Susan Powers , whom the kids lovingly called , " Ms . P . " She was missing chunks of flesh from her right arm and neck . She was wearing a half - open bathrobe and pink house slippers . Her eyes were the same dead black just like all the others , any trace of who the woman was before long gone . The three of them smelled me and fumbled their way up the steep driveway . I clutched the steel pipe tightly as I ran towards them . I swung the pipe connecting with the first one 's forehead , a mist of red spraying me in the face . I pulled the elbow out of its skull and swung again , bringing the pipe across the second one 's face . It too caved in , leaving me and Ms . P . She wasn 't the least bit concerned with her fallen friends ' demises , but continued her small uncoordinated steps towards me . No remorse , no concern except to feed . I put her down quickly as well . More dead were coming into the neighborhood , so I made haste to get into the truck and leave . I pulled out of there quick , as the mass of undead inhabitants poured in . I wasn 't sure if they smelled my fresh meat , or maybe it was the sound of the truck , but they were coming from all over . " I stopped and … and there she was . She was standing there in the middle of the road , almost as if she was blocking me in . It didn 't take long for me to notice who the short , little , blonde haired , once blue eyed girl was who stood out in front of me . Except her eyes were no longer the vivid blue , but black as starless night . Near her ankle were the remains of dried blood . In the hand of her slack left arm a pink teddy bear was still grasped . I remember getting out of the still running truck and walking up to her . She let out a small moan as I neared ; my hands trembling . I had left the pipe on the seat of the truck . What was I to do ? The fact that she was standing there in front of me , dead , well , all the hope I had of finding my family alive vanished . Her one free arm reached out for her uncle and it took everything in me not to reach out and pull her in and whisper that everything was going to be okay . " I was sitting in the truck after that when your voice came on the radio . You sounded so scared and like you had no way out . I 'm not sure why , but I knew I had to help you . " As Jeremy lay in the bed , staring up in the ceiling , his mind wandered in thought . He felt sorry for Josh and the loss of his niece . He knew what it was like to lose someone close . His mother had at least lived a full life . An eight - year - old girl on the other hand , that was a hard thing to accept . Traffic was at a standstill . It had been thirty minutes since James Brighton and his car had moved forward an inch . In the Georgia heat and humidity , thirty minutes was forever , especially if you do not have air - conditioning . Sitting high above the Savannah River on the Talmadge Bridge , James wiped sweat from his face and fanned himself with an old catalog that never made it inside from the mailbox . His small , four - doored compact was full of his belongings . His trunk was stuffed with suitcases filled with his clothes ; his TV and other electronics filled the backseat along with anything else he grabbed in his rush to leave the house . He should have . His brother called him before everything even happened . Tried to warn him to get the hell out of the city , but just like always , he ignored his older brother 's sound advice . He had laughed it off at the time . The dead walking and eating the flesh of the living ? Strange government orders ? Please , James had said , that was movie stuff . The dead were walking , and they were in fact eating the flesh of the living . James had seen it himself . There was a septuagenarian woman living in the apartment next to him . She could not even hear her own TV and blared the volume throughout the night , but she always complained to the super anytime James had a few friends over . She was the first one that James saw turn . How sad , James had thought at the time . Alzheimer 's must be kicking in . Maybe even Dementia . But it was not Alzheimer 's . Or Dementia . It was something else . Something that made the old woman attack James with an unnatural strength and try to tear the skin from his bones . He grimaced . He could not forget the sickening crack of skull and the slosh of brain matter from when he was forced to bash her head against his doorknob . He closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands , his forehead slick with perspiration . He should have listened to his big brother . Okay , maybe not perfect , but definitely their father 's idea of perfect . John had been the Boy Scout , the war hero , the family man . Basically , everything that James was not . While John was a respectable fighter pilot for the Marines , James worked at Home Depot . Nothing wrong with working at Home Depot , but when stacked against his brother 's list of accomplishments , James always fell short . What made it unbearable was that John never gloated in it . He had been the perfect big brother . John never picked on James growing up , always looked out for his younger brother , and even lent him money when James needed it . James was on the uphill climb of the bridge , and from where he was sitting , he couldn 't see what the holdup was . This particular stretch of road between Georgia and South Carolina was notorious for horrible back - ups . With the sudden exodus from Savannah , it was much worse . Looking out to his right , over the Savannah Riverfront , he saw two small dots appear just above the horizon . They increased in size as they drew closer ; their shapes began to grow more familiar to James . Soon enough , the sound that followed them arrived , a roar of engines and wind . The thought of the military bombing the city was ridiculous . Sure , when he had passed through the city , he saw plenty of the monsters attacking people , but there were still people fighting back and numerous others still alive . The city was not completely overrun yet . It would be complete overkill to level Savannah . The pair of jets flew over the bridge . They were low enough to where you could see the markings on the side . It could have been his imagination , but James swore he saw his brother 's call sign on one of the jets . They passed over and then shot up into the sky . James heard screaming come from the Savannah bound lanes . He looked over to see , about fifty feet away , a monster attacking its family inside a car . It was held back by its seat belt , but was able to grab a hold of the person next to them . Blood pulsed onto the window , covering the carnage behind it . The people in the cars nearby began to panic . Multiple drivers began to try and push themselves away from the blood - soaked vehicle . This only caused the cars to become more gridlocked . Finally , a large black man , the size of a football player , got out of his truck . In his hand was a rather large hammer . He went over to the monster 's vehicle , opened the door , and began swinging the hammer into the creature 's head . After several swings , the thing 's body went still . The man looked at the remaining family , nodded , and then returned to his vehicle . Like James had told his brother over the phone , this was all movie stuff . Fictional . Make - believe . However , reality made a hard argument that the events starting yesterday were very , very real . As if to punctuate his thoughts on reality , he saw movement out of the corner of his eye . In front of him , the bridge erupted into flame and debris . The suspension cables groaned and snapped as the bridge twisted from the explosion . James shielded his eyes from the heat blast . He could barely see through the thick black smoke and fire , but he heard screaming . It took him a moment to realize it was his own . The car in front of him slammed into him in reverse , pushing him back into another car . He tried stomping down on the brakes , but the car kept pushing . When the cars behind them would move no more , the driver got out and began running away from the blast . Others did the same . James got out of his car and ran . Others bumped into him as they all ran for safety . There was a loud crack as one of the suspension cables broke loose and landed on a row of cars , crushing them and their inhabitants . James picked up speed . He ran several feet until a large weight crashed into him . It sent him flying into a minivan , and he hit the ground with a thud . The weight was quickly on top of him . There was a sharp pain in his stomach as he opened his eyes . The weight was humanoid , but it wasn 't human . It couldn 't be . Its eyes were as black as tar , bloodshot . Its open mouth revealed rows of broken , jagged teeth . Rich , red blood hemorrhaged from the cracks of its eyes , nostrils , and the corners of its lips . It wasn 't wearing a shirt , but James could not distinguish its gender . Its chest looked to be torn off ; the beginnings of rib cage poking through . He coughed , blood spurting from his mouth . He felt his body go into shock . He did not feel the pain , only the wiggling of fingers inside him . James watched as the monster pulled out several feet of intestine and shoved them into its mouth . It chewed , bile and fluids dripping down its chin . It could have been his imagination again , or maybe the loss of blood , but James could have sworn it grinned as it ate . The marsh had been extremely pungent this afternoon . All day it had stunk , but this afternoon it seemed to be so much stronger . Brad noticed the smell continued to grow as time slowly ticked away . His partner , JW , didn 't seem fazed by it one bit . The old man was much accustomed to the tidal scent of the low country . The man grew old on this smell . Brad , on the other hand , was relatively new to it . And he hated it . Having moved from up north near Chicago , he had yet to be indoctrinated in the coastal South 's muggy summer evenings and marsh - stink . He was use to city smells like traffic exhaust and refineries . How he ended up down here in Savannah was a story in itself . His ex - wife was born and raised here , so of course once they got married , they had to move back here . She just had to be near her family . Brad left his good - paying office job in the city to come down and work for his father - in - law 's landscaping company . Which was fine , he had no problem working for the man or hard labor , except for the fact that once they got divorced , he lost his job too . She cheats on him , so he loses his job . Makes perfect sense , doesn 't it ? And that 's pretty much how he ended up here on this god - forsaken boat in the middle of the stinking marsh . More or less . When the economy tanked , he didn 't have many choices on the job front . A friend found him this job and when you 're broke , you 'll take anything . Brad heard him swear under his breath . He decided to ignore it , as the two men had already had their post - civil war conversations . It 's amazing how after over a hundred and fifty years , the resentment for each other still lingered between the north and south . Brad didn 't even consider himself a Yankee . He was originally from Virginia , which if you knew your history , was a part of the Confederacy . But if you come up from up north and you have an inkling of an opinion , you just became a " damn Yankee . " Brad could care less what the old redneck had to say . Their small fishing boat puttered along the coastal waterway . He didn 't have all the names down yet , but if he remembered right , this was Turner 's Creek . It had been a pretty unsuccessful day . All they were returning to dock with was empty nets and sour attitudes . Brad saw the dock off in the distance . Too far it seemed . This day seemed to have lasted forever . In the hot Georgia heat , five minutes seemed like forever , much less ten hours . The only thing that mattered to Brad right now was the frosty six pack of cold beer at the house . Brad walked to the front of the boat to the anchor hoist . It was rusty and slow , but still better than dragging the chain up by hand . He had the anchor on the deck by the time they pulled up to the dock . The two dock hands , Julio and Alberto , were there waiting on them , ready to secure the boat and the equipment . They were good guys , illegal , but good guys nonetheless . Brad didn 't know what loop holes they jumped through to get their jobs , but that 's the thing with illegal immigrants ; they 're cheap labor . And the guys didn 't care . Most of what they made , they sent back to their families in Mexico and what they didn 't , they spent on tequila and beer . Brad spent many a night getting tanked with the two amigos . As Brad began to put things away , the two dock hands and JW began to secure the boat to the floating dock . He put the few fishing poles they had back onto the racks , but as he did , he noticed something floating nearby the shore . At first , he didn 't recognize what the shape was , but very quickly his mind figured out the familiar object . It was a human body . The three others took notice of the alarm in Brad 's voice and ran along the shore to where Brad was standing . He reached the body , which he now knew to be a young , Asian woman 's . He grabbed her by the shoulders , yanking her down - turned face out of the water . Nothing . JW kneeled down at the shore . His face had softened . It was no longer the stern , grumpy face that he sported at all times . This face was much gentler . More concerned . Brad couldn 't believe him . He kept looking at the girl 's pale white face , thinking to himself that she couldn 't be dead . This can 't be real . This isn 't the way his day was supposed to end . Hell , this wasn 't the way her life was supposed to end . He closed his eyes tight , trying to see if he could wake up from this nightmare . He tried to put himself somewhere else , somewhere happier . At home , with his beer . But as he was trying to focus his mind elsewhere , he felt movement in his arms . The others lifted up their heads to see . Julio and Alberto began to smile and light up , but JW look worried . Something was not right in his mind . Something was not right . She moaned again , this time louder and longer . She seemed in pain or agony . Her hands slowly but stiffly grabbed onto Brad 's arms . Her body seemed rigid and tense . She froze . Her head slowly tilted to the left , looking Brad directly in the face . When she moved her head , she revealed a fatal looking wound in her neck . It was a dark purple and reeked of infection . Brad began to grow uneasy . That wound looked like it should have killed her . Actually , there should be no reason to why she was moving right now . It was then that the look of concern on JW 's face made sense . This woman should have been dead . Her eyes shot open . They were pitch black ; her pupils non - existent . Brad tried to set her back down , but her grasp tightened around his arms as she began to pull him in closer . He struggled to push her off of him and began to panic . But despite her small frame , the woman pulled him closer , her jaw moving up and down . JW jumped into the water and began to try and pry the young woman off of Brad . Both men struggled to fight off the tiny woman 's unwelcome advances . JW slipped on the river bottom , falling backwards and giving the girl enough momentum to plunge forwards . He screamed as the others watched on in horror . She continued to bite down on his neck . Her teeth taking out huge chunks of meat . Brad no longer fought back . He felt his body slip into shock . The pain both excruciating and numbing at the same time . His eyes began to roll back into his head , his body convulsing . JW rushed back to his feet , while Julio and Alberto ran away screaming . He grabbed the girl , this time successfully pulling her away from Brad . But as he pulled her off , she turned , using the motion and sunk her teeth into JW 's face . Brad sunk into the water , breathing his last remaining breaths . Blood spurted from his exposed jugular , turning the surrounding water a brownish - red . JW was now screaming as the girl began to eat his face . He could barely hold her at bay . The blood poured down his face , his eyes burning . He used what last bit of energy he had to give one final push , knocking the deranged woman off of him and over to the side . He could barely see , his own blood obscuring his vision . His face seemed numb around the bite marks . Brad , or whatever you call the shell of him , looked at JW with a dead stare . His mouth began to move up and down , teeth clattering . The two shambled towards JW and began to finish what the girl had started . |
I was getting ready to leave my subdivision , but I had to wait for several cars to pass by before I could make my turn . While I waited I noticed the woman on the sidewalk on the other side of the street . Her outfit of a long black skirt , plain black headscarf , and navy hoodie didn 't look particularly conducive to her type of exercise , but she was plugging along at a moderate pace covered up from head to toe . Her skirt was flapping against her ankles as she ran , but it didn 't look like she minded . She was headed in the opposite direction as me , so I lost sight of her after I turned , but based on her rate of speed when she passed me it looked like she was in pretty good shape . I suspect she kept on going . So there you go . Never let it be said that your government does not stand by fearlessly , ready to jump into the fray whenever the public demands that it should do so . ~ Author Unknown On Friday we had carryout Chinese for dinner . The clerk didn 't put enough fortune cookies in the bag , so Hubby Tony and I shared one . We received this fortune : Last week I figured out a great idea for a present ; the idea was obscure and might be a challenge to find . A Google search turned up several potential stores , and yesterday afternoon Tony and I headed towards one of them , a specialty department store . Traffic was backed up at the light to turn into the parking lot , but once we pulled in it was easy to find a space . As Tony locked up the car I looked across the parking lot and saw an interesting - looking small store dedicated to selling one type of merchandise . We decided to check there first . When we walked in the first thing we saw was an end cap holding a selection of goods for sale . They didn 't have exactly what we were looking for , but there was something that would work . I needed more than one and there weren 't enough on the shelf , but the clerk told us he could check with other stores and get more . I felt compelled to check the original store , but when they didn 't have anything close to what we were looking for we walked back across the parking lot and I placed the order . They 'll call me when the it arrives in a week or so . That challenge was so easy , I 'm wondering if we should pick another one ! By some miracle last year I was off the day after Thanksgiving , but this year we were advised that EVERY Customer Service desk associate would be working today . The mall officially opened its doors at 6 AM , although many of the stores welcomed customers at midnight . My shift started at 6 : 30 , and was over five hours later . When the alarm went off at 4 : 00 I was NOT ready to roll out of bed . It hadn 't been a restful night . I had trouble getting to sleep , then woke up when Hubby Tony fed the cats at 10 , when he came to bed an hour later , and again when the kids got home from their Thanksgiving after - party . In addition , I 'd drank too much liquid later in the night , which led to the inevitable result of multiple trips to the bathroom . Even Pepper the cat was part of the conspiracy . He 's very antisocial and had made himself scarce as soon as our Thanksgiving company arrived . But he decided at 3 : 00 that he 'd like some attention , walking over me until I rolled over to the very edge of the mattress . It was cold and dark when I made it down to the kitchen , and so early the newspaper hadn 't been delivered yet ; there was nothing to read while I ate my breakfast . I had to navigate a minefield of Thanksgiving leftovers in the refrigerator to get a container of yogurt from the back . I added fruit and ground flax seed to the yogurt , ate the healthy dish , then followed it up with one of daughter - in - law Nicole 's homemade sourdough cinnamon rolls . I figured traffic wouldn 't be a problem on the Friday after Thanksgiving , and I was right . Getting into the mall 's parking area was easy , and I was in the building with 20 minutes to spare . I spent the time walking around looking at the store displays and watching the people who were crazy enough to come out shopping so early in the morning . The mall was doing a Black Friday gift - with - purchase promotion , so I spent my shift handing out premiums to shoppers who 'd met the requirements . At first we had a rush of people who 'd been waiting for us to open . That was followed by a lot of dead time , punctuated by short bursts of activity . About a half hour before the promotion ended people started lining up , and the remainder of the shift was a frenzy of activity . When I left the mall parking was at a premium , and I had to stop for five different cars who were waiting for someone to vacate a parking space . The line to get into the mall stretched a couple of blocks on the main street . I was glad my shift was over and I could go home and take a nap . For more than 25 years the family has divided up the hosting of the holidays . Our house is always in charge of Christmas , and all I have to do for Thanksgiving is prepare two dishes and show up . However , this year is changing slightly . Last week when I emailed my sister - in - law about the plans , I got this response : How would you feel if we bring dinner to your house ? Umm . . . . sure . The issue is that her house is just too small now that the kids are old enough to have significant others . The past few years we 've gathered in the fellowship hall of her church , but that option wasn 't available this year . I talked to Hubby Tony about it , and he agreed . When I found out I was hosting Thanksgiving I started thinking about the table . I only have two tablecloths ( white and ecru ) long enough to cover the dining room table when the leaves are pulled out . Since I always have the crowd at Christmas , my napkins and accessories are predominantly red and green , which aren 't appropriate for a fall holiday . However , the next day I remembered the rustic woven tablecloth Tony brought home from a business trip to South America in the mid - 1980s . The cream - colored cloth has stripes of brown , yellow , white , and red running down the length . It 's not long enough to cover the large - sized table , but it will look nice on top of the ecru tablecloth . The family is too big to all fit around the dining room table , so we also need a card table in a corner of the dining room . That table will get a square white cloth . I spent last Wednesday morning visiting several thrift stores , looking for napkins . Some of them are larger than others , but I don 't think anyone will notice since Thanksgiving is all about the food . I may do without a centerpiece , or fill a large bowl with apples . I haven 't decided . Yesterday I polished the silver with Betsy 's tip , and discovered an everyday slotted spoon that 's been missing since Christmas . Today I 'll pull out the china , do the last - minute cleaning , and prepare my dishes . ( I 'm tempted to set the table , but I 'm afraid the cats would think it 's a great place to take a nap . ) We 're not sure exactly how many people will be here . My nephew 's wife is pregnant and due any day , and a great niece has been having some health issues that may keep her and her mom away . We 're nothing if not flexible , though . No matter what happens , it will be a GREAT Thanksgiving ! They 've been doing maintenance on the parking structure for the last six weeks , blocking off different sections at a time . The last two weeks have been particularly bad , and I never know where I 'll have to park . The other day I wasn 't in my usual place , went out the wrong door , and nearly panicked when I couldn 't find my car . Today I set a reminder on my phone to help me remember . Even though I usually work on Wednesdays , the boss was nice enough to leave me off the schedule for tomorrow without being asked . How did he know I had a lot to do the day before Thanksgiving ? Based on the piped - in music I heard today , the holiday season has officially started . Today the tunes alternated between smooth jazz , recognizable instrumental Christmas melodies , and a few holiday tunes with lyrics . I actually found myself singing along with a couple of them . Wonder how long it will be before they start to get on my nerves ? In the middle of the afternoon a crestfallen - looking woman came up to the desk with her husband and three young children trailing behind . She told me they were from out of town and staying in a hotel with a pool . She 'd packed everyone else 's swim suit but forgotten her own . Since it wasn 't exactly swimming season she knew it was a long shot , but could I recommend a store that might sell them ? I sent her to Macy 's and told her I 'd do a Google search ; she could check back if she didn 't have luck . Twenty minutes later she returned smiling , told me she 'd found a suit , and said I 'd saved the trip . Later in the day I glanced over at the seating area next to the desk and noticed a man trying to sleep in one of the low - backed chairs . His head was stretched back at a 90 degree angle and he looked extremely uncomfortable . Two minutes later when he gave up and came over to ask me what time it was I noticed he had on a uniform shirt from one of the mall 's restaurants . He went back to the chair and tried again , but this time his head kept rolling over to one side . After another five minutes he again asked me what time it was . I felt sorry for him and jokingly asked him if he 'd like a wake up call . He said , yes could I make it in ten minutes , and I was awesome ! At the appointed time I left the desk and walked over to him . His eyes immediately popped open . He got up and stretched , thanked me again , and was on his way . It was easy to find the store on the south side of Manchester Road in Ellisville . I learned that C & C Butcher had opened in July . The small store had a nice selection of beef , pork , and chicken in display cases ( both full service and self serve ) and small displays of salads and side dishes , produce , sausage , and cheese . Another display case was devoted to Boar 's Head deli meats and cheeses , and a free standing shelf in the middle of the store held jerky , dried meat sticks , and condiments . I felt like a kid in a candy shop . It was hard to figure out what to get , but when I saw the large tubs of marinated chicken breasts behind the counter inspiration hit . I decided to get one of each type ( House , Caribbean , Buffalo , and Teriyaki ) and suggest that Hubby Tony and Son Donald cook them for dinner on Sunday . They were agreeable to that plan . When Donald arrived after lunch today he and his dad got busy planning . Since the weather was nice they decided to barbecue the chicken and serve it with brown rice and sauteed kale . The only thing I did was de - stem and chop the kale for Donald when he realized he was running short on time . I 've heard of tastings of wine , coffee , tea , cheese , olive oil , beer , and chocolate , but never chicken . However , ours tasting turned out to be a hit . The perfectly barbecued breasts were juicy ; the marinade permeated every bite . As much as I tried , I couldn 't pick out a favorite flavor . Fortunately , there were plenty of leftovers so I 'll get to taste everything again . If you 're a regular reader , you know that over the past few months I 've been doing a lot of walking , which has helped me get back in shape . Now I can walk faster , for longer distances , without feeling tired . Clothes that were tight are fitting better , and when I bought jeans last week I was able to get a size smaller . However , now that the weather 's turned cold I 'm finding excuses not to be outside . It doesn 't help that we 're back on Standard Time , so it 's dark shortly after dinner . When I woke up this morning I knew I had a very busy day planned , but I wanted to make sure I got some exercise in . I figured the best way to do that was to make it the FIRST activity of the day . Even before coffee ! Before I left the bedroom I threw on yesterday 's shirt , a pair of lined wind pants , and walking shoes . I stopped by the kitchen long enough to get a drink of water and my cell phone , then grabbed my winter coat ( with gloves already in the pockets ) , a headband for my ears , and a neck scarf from the hall closet . When I walked out the door a little before 7 AM it was 30 degrees . In the morning I 'm a real creature of habit , so the change in my morning schedule was just enough to make me feel like I was pulling a fast one . There weren 't many people out , but I did see several cars getting ready to leave , and I had to stop a few times and wait for someone to pull out of a driveway . When I got to the main street I noticed that rush hour was in full swing , with a long line of cars waiting to turn at a stop light . I was glad I wasn 't one of them . Fifteen minutes into the walk I got warm enough to loosen the scarf around my neck . Five minutes later I took it off and put it in the coat pocket . By the time I got back to the house I was unzipping my coat halfway and pulling off my headband . Inside , I noticed that I 'd worked up a sweat . In the hot weather it took me a long time to cool off after a walk . Not today . I was ready for a shower by the time I hung up all my outerwear and walked upstairs . Afterward my shower , the rumblings of my stomach made me remember I still needed to eat breakfast and have that cup of coffee . This year we have TWO days to honor veterans . Yesterday was the actual day , but today is the Federal holiday celebrating Veteran 's Day . Today the banks , stock markets , and government offices will all be closed . I like the idea of extending the celebration . The email stated that if you were approached there 's an easy way to deal with the situation without giving the person money . All you have to do is say something like , " I can 't help you , but I 'll call the police for you . " If it 's a legitimate emergency they 'll welcome police assistance and stick around , but if it 's a scam they 'll will argue that police are not needed and leave . The trees in our 25 - year old subdivision are growing and producing more leaves every year . Our yard has a maple in the strip between the sidewalk and the street . The neighbors on one side have a maple , and the others a locust . Our back yard has a redbud tree and a sugar maple . The hot , dry summer caused the redbud to drop its leaves early , but everything else produced the normal amount , and large sections of the yard were covered with a smooth , even layer of leaves . Getting rid of the leaves is good for the lawn ; if you don 't remove the layer of dead matter the lawn will suffocate . I could take care of that by raking and bagging them , but I mulch them with the lawn mower because I think it 's MUCH easier and quicker than raking . And , it 's satisfying to watch the dead leaves get cut into tiny pieces , which eventually disappear with no additional work on my part . I stared in the front yard , mowing across in straight rows . When I was finished there was a clear demarcation line between our yard and the neighbor 's , which was very satisfying . After I finished the front I took care of the small strip to the left between the two houses ( where there were no leaves ) and moved to the back . The leaves here were thicker , and mainly concentrated in an eight foot ring around the maple tree . The first pass of the mower didn 't cut up the leaves completely , so I went back over that part of the lawn again . The last step was to finish with the strip on the opposite side of the house ( which again had no leaves ) . I got to the front of the house , turned the mower off , and wheeled it to the garage . There 's still quite a few leaves on the trees so the mowing ins 't over yet . As a matter of fact , when I was putting the lawn mower away I noticed the next layer of leaves had already started to fall . I 'm ready , though . Bring them on ! Over the summer Hubby Tony and I went to the taping of a Travel Channel show at Saleem 's West restaurant . We were told the episode would air this fall , so I kept expecting to hear about the date . However , last week I received an email , which said in part : Travel Channel is at it AGAIN ! They are coming out to re - film . One of the cameras they were using had a malfunction when they uploaded it to the server . Traffic was bad on the way home from work tonight , and it was almost 7 : 00 by time we got to the restaurant . Just like last time , there was a sign on the door stating that if you didn 't want to be filmed you shouldn 't enter - - which we ignored . It was fun to watch the film crew at work while we ate our way through appetizers of roasted garlic and garlic potato dip , entrees of Chicken Safina and Falafel - Tabouli Combo , and Lebanese Ice Cream for dessert . About a month ago I tried to turn on my computer in the kitchen , and nothing happened . We took it to Bill , our computer guy ; his diagnosis was a dead mother board . The computer had been built quite a few years ago ( although we 'd had it updated and refurbished a couple of times ) . In computer terms it was geriatric , and the Windows software was several generations behind , so we decided to get a new computer . Bill ordered the parts and built the tower for us . He brought it to the house over the weekend and set it up . I 'm still trying to get used to it . I was very familiar with the old programs . The departed computer had the XP versions of Word , Excel , and Outlook . The new system has Office 2010 . My laptop has 2007 versions of some of the software , so I 'm not completely unfamiliar with it , but the new Microsoft Outlook is messing with my mind ! The files from the old computer all got transferred but some of the programs did not Every day I look for something I need and it 's not there . I 've already added iTunes and a couple of time - wasting games , but the Quicken and photo software is still MIA . I 'm sure I 'll find more . The monkey said , " Monkey tricks for twenty years ? That 's a pretty long time to perform . How about I give you back ten like the dog did ? " But the human said , " Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty , the forty the cow gave back , the ten the monkey gave back , and the ten the dog gave back ? That makes eighty . " So that is why for our first twenty years , we eat , sleep , play and enjoy ourselves . For the next forty years , we slave to support our family . For the next ten years , we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren . And for the last ten years , we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone . She asked me about a particular store . I answered her question . She said it was good that I was here , then leaned in conspiratorially . I expected her to say something about how nice it was to have the desk available , or how helpful I was , or even how well I knew the mall . But I was flabbergasted when she stated it was BECAUSE I WAS WHITE . Otherwise she wouldn 't have stopped . Although I try to treat everyone with respect , the woman lost mine with her statement . I wasn 't sure what to say , but I guess she didn 't need a response . She simply turned around and headed in the direction I 'd pointed her . Welcome ! Thanks for visiting my blog . I live in Manchester , Missouri ( a suburb of St . Louis ) with my husband . Our three boys are all grown and out of the house . We also have two cats who keep us amused with their antics . |
I was getting ready to leave my subdivision , but I had to wait for several cars to pass by before I could make my turn . While I waited I noticed the woman on the sidewalk on the other side of the street . Her outfit of a long black skirt , plain black headscarf , and navy hoodie didn 't look particularly conducive to her type of exercise , but she was plugging along at a moderate pace covered up from head to toe . Her skirt was flapping against her ankles as she ran , but it didn 't look like she minded . She was headed in the opposite direction as me , so I lost sight of her after I turned , but based on her rate of speed when she passed me it looked like she was in pretty good shape . I suspect she kept on going . So there you go . Never let it be said that your government does not stand by fearlessly , ready to jump into the fray whenever the public demands that it should do so . ~ Author Unknown On Friday we had carryout Chinese for dinner . The clerk didn 't put enough fortune cookies in the bag , so Hubby Tony and I shared one . We received this fortune : Last week I figured out a great idea for a present ; the idea was obscure and might be a challenge to find . A Google search turned up several potential stores , and yesterday afternoon Tony and I headed towards one of them , a specialty department store . Traffic was backed up at the light to turn into the parking lot , but once we pulled in it was easy to find a space . As Tony locked up the car I looked across the parking lot and saw an interesting - looking small store dedicated to selling one type of merchandise . We decided to check there first . When we walked in the first thing we saw was an end cap holding a selection of goods for sale . They didn 't have exactly what we were looking for , but there was something that would work . I needed more than one and there weren 't enough on the shelf , but the clerk told us he could check with other stores and get more . I felt compelled to check the original store , but when they didn 't have anything close to what we were looking for we walked back across the parking lot and I placed the order . They 'll call me when the it arrives in a week or so . That challenge was so easy , I 'm wondering if we should pick another one ! By some miracle last year I was off the day after Thanksgiving , but this year we were advised that EVERY Customer Service desk associate would be working today . The mall officially opened its doors at 6 AM , although many of the stores welcomed customers at midnight . My shift started at 6 : 30 , and was over five hours later . When the alarm went off at 4 : 00 I was NOT ready to roll out of bed . It hadn 't been a restful night . I had trouble getting to sleep , then woke up when Hubby Tony fed the cats at 10 , when he came to bed an hour later , and again when the kids got home from their Thanksgiving after - party . In addition , I 'd drank too much liquid later in the night , which led to the inevitable result of multiple trips to the bathroom . Even Pepper the cat was part of the conspiracy . He 's very antisocial and had made himself scarce as soon as our Thanksgiving company arrived . But he decided at 3 : 00 that he 'd like some attention , walking over me until I rolled over to the very edge of the mattress . It was cold and dark when I made it down to the kitchen , and so early the newspaper hadn 't been delivered yet ; there was nothing to read while I ate my breakfast . I had to navigate a minefield of Thanksgiving leftovers in the refrigerator to get a container of yogurt from the back . I added fruit and ground flax seed to the yogurt , ate the healthy dish , then followed it up with one of daughter - in - law Nicole 's homemade sourdough cinnamon rolls . I figured traffic wouldn 't be a problem on the Friday after Thanksgiving , and I was right . Getting into the mall 's parking area was easy , and I was in the building with 20 minutes to spare . I spent the time walking around looking at the store displays and watching the people who were crazy enough to come out shopping so early in the morning . The mall was doing a Black Friday gift - with - purchase promotion , so I spent my shift handing out premiums to shoppers who 'd met the requirements . At first we had a rush of people who 'd been waiting for us to open . That was followed by a lot of dead time , punctuated by short bursts of activity . About a half hour before the promotion ended people started lining up , and the remainder of the shift was a frenzy of activity . When I left the mall parking was at a premium , and I had to stop for five different cars who were waiting for someone to vacate a parking space . The line to get into the mall stretched a couple of blocks on the main street . I was glad my shift was over and I could go home and take a nap . For more than 25 years the family has divided up the hosting of the holidays . Our house is always in charge of Christmas , and all I have to do for Thanksgiving is prepare two dishes and show up . However , this year is changing slightly . Last week when I emailed my sister - in - law about the plans , I got this response : How would you feel if we bring dinner to your house ? Umm . . . . sure . The issue is that her house is just too small now that the kids are old enough to have significant others . The past few years we 've gathered in the fellowship hall of her church , but that option wasn 't available this year . I talked to Hubby Tony about it , and he agreed . When I found out I was hosting Thanksgiving I started thinking about the table . I only have two tablecloths ( white and ecru ) long enough to cover the dining room table when the leaves are pulled out . Since I always have the crowd at Christmas , my napkins and accessories are predominantly red and green , which aren 't appropriate for a fall holiday . However , the next day I remembered the rustic woven tablecloth Tony brought home from a business trip to South America in the mid - 1980s . The cream - colored cloth has stripes of brown , yellow , white , and red running down the length . It 's not long enough to cover the large - sized table , but it will look nice on top of the ecru tablecloth . The family is too big to all fit around the dining room table , so we also need a card table in a corner of the dining room . That table will get a square white cloth . I spent last Wednesday morning visiting several thrift stores , looking for napkins . Some of them are larger than others , but I don 't think anyone will notice since Thanksgiving is all about the food . I may do without a centerpiece , or fill a large bowl with apples . I haven 't decided . Yesterday I polished the silver with Betsy 's tip , and discovered an everyday slotted spoon that 's been missing since Christmas . Today I 'll pull out the china , do the last - minute cleaning , and prepare my dishes . ( I 'm tempted to set the table , but I 'm afraid the cats would think it 's a great place to take a nap . ) We 're not sure exactly how many people will be here . My nephew 's wife is pregnant and due any day , and a great niece has been having some health issues that may keep her and her mom away . We 're nothing if not flexible , though . No matter what happens , it will be a GREAT Thanksgiving ! They 've been doing maintenance on the parking structure for the last six weeks , blocking off different sections at a time . The last two weeks have been particularly bad , and I never know where I 'll have to park . The other day I wasn 't in my usual place , went out the wrong door , and nearly panicked when I couldn 't find my car . Today I set a reminder on my phone to help me remember . Even though I usually work on Wednesdays , the boss was nice enough to leave me off the schedule for tomorrow without being asked . How did he know I had a lot to do the day before Thanksgiving ? Based on the piped - in music I heard today , the holiday season has officially started . Today the tunes alternated between smooth jazz , recognizable instrumental Christmas melodies , and a few holiday tunes with lyrics . I actually found myself singing along with a couple of them . Wonder how long it will be before they start to get on my nerves ? In the middle of the afternoon a crestfallen - looking woman came up to the desk with her husband and three young children trailing behind . She told me they were from out of town and staying in a hotel with a pool . She 'd packed everyone else 's swim suit but forgotten her own . Since it wasn 't exactly swimming season she knew it was a long shot , but could I recommend a store that might sell them ? I sent her to Macy 's and told her I 'd do a Google search ; she could check back if she didn 't have luck . Twenty minutes later she returned smiling , told me she 'd found a suit , and said I 'd saved the trip . Later in the day I glanced over at the seating area next to the desk and noticed a man trying to sleep in one of the low - backed chairs . His head was stretched back at a 90 degree angle and he looked extremely uncomfortable . Two minutes later when he gave up and came over to ask me what time it was I noticed he had on a uniform shirt from one of the mall 's restaurants . He went back to the chair and tried again , but this time his head kept rolling over to one side . After another five minutes he again asked me what time it was . I felt sorry for him and jokingly asked him if he 'd like a wake up call . He said , yes could I make it in ten minutes , and I was awesome ! At the appointed time I left the desk and walked over to him . His eyes immediately popped open . He got up and stretched , thanked me again , and was on his way . It was easy to find the store on the south side of Manchester Road in Ellisville . I learned that C & C Butcher had opened in July . The small store had a nice selection of beef , pork , and chicken in display cases ( both full service and self serve ) and small displays of salads and side dishes , produce , sausage , and cheese . Another display case was devoted to Boar 's Head deli meats and cheeses , and a free standing shelf in the middle of the store held jerky , dried meat sticks , and condiments . I felt like a kid in a candy shop . It was hard to figure out what to get , but when I saw the large tubs of marinated chicken breasts behind the counter inspiration hit . I decided to get one of each type ( House , Caribbean , Buffalo , and Teriyaki ) and suggest that Hubby Tony and Son Donald cook them for dinner on Sunday . They were agreeable to that plan . When Donald arrived after lunch today he and his dad got busy planning . Since the weather was nice they decided to barbecue the chicken and serve it with brown rice and sauteed kale . The only thing I did was de - stem and chop the kale for Donald when he realized he was running short on time . I 've heard of tastings of wine , coffee , tea , cheese , olive oil , beer , and chocolate , but never chicken . However , ours tasting turned out to be a hit . The perfectly barbecued breasts were juicy ; the marinade permeated every bite . As much as I tried , I couldn 't pick out a favorite flavor . Fortunately , there were plenty of leftovers so I 'll get to taste everything again . If you 're a regular reader , you know that over the past few months I 've been doing a lot of walking , which has helped me get back in shape . Now I can walk faster , for longer distances , without feeling tired . Clothes that were tight are fitting better , and when I bought jeans last week I was able to get a size smaller . However , now that the weather 's turned cold I 'm finding excuses not to be outside . It doesn 't help that we 're back on Standard Time , so it 's dark shortly after dinner . When I woke up this morning I knew I had a very busy day planned , but I wanted to make sure I got some exercise in . I figured the best way to do that was to make it the FIRST activity of the day . Even before coffee ! Before I left the bedroom I threw on yesterday 's shirt , a pair of lined wind pants , and walking shoes . I stopped by the kitchen long enough to get a drink of water and my cell phone , then grabbed my winter coat ( with gloves already in the pockets ) , a headband for my ears , and a neck scarf from the hall closet . When I walked out the door a little before 7 AM it was 30 degrees . In the morning I 'm a real creature of habit , so the change in my morning schedule was just enough to make me feel like I was pulling a fast one . There weren 't many people out , but I did see several cars getting ready to leave , and I had to stop a few times and wait for someone to pull out of a driveway . When I got to the main street I noticed that rush hour was in full swing , with a long line of cars waiting to turn at a stop light . I was glad I wasn 't one of them . Fifteen minutes into the walk I got warm enough to loosen the scarf around my neck . Five minutes later I took it off and put it in the coat pocket . By the time I got back to the house I was unzipping my coat halfway and pulling off my headband . Inside , I noticed that I 'd worked up a sweat . In the hot weather it took me a long time to cool off after a walk . Not today . I was ready for a shower by the time I hung up all my outerwear and walked upstairs . Afterward my shower , the rumblings of my stomach made me remember I still needed to eat breakfast and have that cup of coffee . This year we have TWO days to honor veterans . Yesterday was the actual day , but today is the Federal holiday celebrating Veteran 's Day . Today the banks , stock markets , and government offices will all be closed . I like the idea of extending the celebration . The email stated that if you were approached there 's an easy way to deal with the situation without giving the person money . All you have to do is say something like , " I can 't help you , but I 'll call the police for you . " If it 's a legitimate emergency they 'll welcome police assistance and stick around , but if it 's a scam they 'll will argue that police are not needed and leave . The trees in our 25 - year old subdivision are growing and producing more leaves every year . Our yard has a maple in the strip between the sidewalk and the street . The neighbors on one side have a maple , and the others a locust . Our back yard has a redbud tree and a sugar maple . The hot , dry summer caused the redbud to drop its leaves early , but everything else produced the normal amount , and large sections of the yard were covered with a smooth , even layer of leaves . Getting rid of the leaves is good for the lawn ; if you don 't remove the layer of dead matter the lawn will suffocate . I could take care of that by raking and bagging them , but I mulch them with the lawn mower because I think it 's MUCH easier and quicker than raking . And , it 's satisfying to watch the dead leaves get cut into tiny pieces , which eventually disappear with no additional work on my part . I stared in the front yard , mowing across in straight rows . When I was finished there was a clear demarcation line between our yard and the neighbor 's , which was very satisfying . After I finished the front I took care of the small strip to the left between the two houses ( where there were no leaves ) and moved to the back . The leaves here were thicker , and mainly concentrated in an eight foot ring around the maple tree . The first pass of the mower didn 't cut up the leaves completely , so I went back over that part of the lawn again . The last step was to finish with the strip on the opposite side of the house ( which again had no leaves ) . I got to the front of the house , turned the mower off , and wheeled it to the garage . There 's still quite a few leaves on the trees so the mowing ins 't over yet . As a matter of fact , when I was putting the lawn mower away I noticed the next layer of leaves had already started to fall . I 'm ready , though . Bring them on ! Over the summer Hubby Tony and I went to the taping of a Travel Channel show at Saleem 's West restaurant . We were told the episode would air this fall , so I kept expecting to hear about the date . However , last week I received an email , which said in part : Travel Channel is at it AGAIN ! They are coming out to re - film . One of the cameras they were using had a malfunction when they uploaded it to the server . Traffic was bad on the way home from work tonight , and it was almost 7 : 00 by time we got to the restaurant . Just like last time , there was a sign on the door stating that if you didn 't want to be filmed you shouldn 't enter - - which we ignored . It was fun to watch the film crew at work while we ate our way through appetizers of roasted garlic and garlic potato dip , entrees of Chicken Safina and Falafel - Tabouli Combo , and Lebanese Ice Cream for dessert . About a month ago I tried to turn on my computer in the kitchen , and nothing happened . We took it to Bill , our computer guy ; his diagnosis was a dead mother board . The computer had been built quite a few years ago ( although we 'd had it updated and refurbished a couple of times ) . In computer terms it was geriatric , and the Windows software was several generations behind , so we decided to get a new computer . Bill ordered the parts and built the tower for us . He brought it to the house over the weekend and set it up . I 'm still trying to get used to it . I was very familiar with the old programs . The departed computer had the XP versions of Word , Excel , and Outlook . The new system has Office 2010 . My laptop has 2007 versions of some of the software , so I 'm not completely unfamiliar with it , but the new Microsoft Outlook is messing with my mind ! The files from the old computer all got transferred but some of the programs did not Every day I look for something I need and it 's not there . I 've already added iTunes and a couple of time - wasting games , but the Quicken and photo software is still MIA . I 'm sure I 'll find more . The monkey said , " Monkey tricks for twenty years ? That 's a pretty long time to perform . How about I give you back ten like the dog did ? " But the human said , " Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty , the forty the cow gave back , the ten the monkey gave back , and the ten the dog gave back ? That makes eighty . " So that is why for our first twenty years , we eat , sleep , play and enjoy ourselves . For the next forty years , we slave to support our family . For the next ten years , we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren . And for the last ten years , we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone . She asked me about a particular store . I answered her question . She said it was good that I was here , then leaned in conspiratorially . I expected her to say something about how nice it was to have the desk available , or how helpful I was , or even how well I knew the mall . But I was flabbergasted when she stated it was BECAUSE I WAS WHITE . Otherwise she wouldn 't have stopped . Although I try to treat everyone with respect , the woman lost mine with her statement . I wasn 't sure what to say , but I guess she didn 't need a response . She simply turned around and headed in the direction I 'd pointed her . Welcome ! Thanks for visiting my blog . I live in Manchester , Missouri ( a suburb of St . Louis ) with my husband . Our three boys are all grown and out of the house . We also have two cats who keep us amused with their antics . |
A / N : This was written for the Winter Wonderland challenge . I was given the characters Molly Weasley ( Percy 's daughter , not mother ) and Lysander Scamander and the prompts frozen lake and lost . I hope you guys enjoy it ! Molly looked around at the wintry landscape . She had been sitting by the lake for over an hour now . Earlier , there had been a group of fifth years sliding around on the ice , but they 'd gone back up to the castle at least half an hour ago . This had left her alone in the freezing cold . Not even her little magical fire was helping ward off the frozen air as the sun began to sink below the horizon . Lysander should have been here a long time ago ! She would have to go in soon . It wouldn 't do for the Head Girl to be caught out after dark . After another five minutes , she finally began to make her way back to the castle . She was almost to the Ravenclaw common room when Lysander was suddenly coming towards her . The first thing she noticed was that he was very out of breath . He seemed to have been running for a while . " I 'm so sorry , " he gasped as he bent over and put his hands on his knees . " I wanted to give you your Christmas present early , but I must have misplaced it . I 've been searching for it everywhere and only found it a moment ago . " She took the package from him . It wasn 't small but not really large either . It was rectangular in shape , and Molly couldn 't help but suspect that it was a book . Those were what she usually received as presents . As she carefully removed the paper , she discovered that she had been right . The writing on the cover revealed the book to be The Truth About Nargles by Luna Scamander . Molly smirked a little as she looked up at her best friend . " Maybe you 'll actually believe me now , " Lysander grinned , " Mum 's self - publishing it . No publisher would agree to it . She thinks she can sell enough to make a decent profit though . There are people out there who are open - minded . " The look on his face told her that she was not included in this open - minded category . " Merry Christmas , Lysander , " Molly felt a blush begin to rise on her cheeks . She couldn 't determine the reason why though . It wasn 't the first time he had done that , but this time felt different for some reason . Molly would never admit it to anyone , but when she 'd went to bed that night ( after reading a chapter or two of the book as she had promised ) she dreamt that she was standing in the common room with Lysander just as before . Only this time one thing changed . He kissed her on the lips instead of the cheek . She had a hard time admitting it to herself , but she would have preferred that outcome . It was a bright , sunny day on Kiyoshi Island . The perfect day for four little girls to go for a walk all by themselves . The freedom of going places without their parents was still relatively new , and they quite enjoyed being able to talk about things in the nice outdoors without their parents and siblings around . " He is so cute ! " Ayame was the youngest of the girls at six ( although Ichiko was only a month older ) . She was already boy crazy , a trait inherited from her mother , Ty Lee , and she was gushing about her latest crush . Ai , the oldest at ten , decided that now was the time for her revelation . " A boy asked me out , and I said yes . " She expected them to be shocked , but she wasn 't expecting Ichiko 's shock to become laughter . It caused Ai even greater embarrassment , and she blushed . Nine year old Kazuna hit Ichiko for her tactlessness . How mean of her to make fun of Ai ! This was a huge deal for her . " That 's awesome Ai ! " Kazuna assured the princess . " I can 't believe that one of us has a boyfriend now . " Ron glanced around the living room he was currently sitting in . He 'd been to Mr . and Mrs . Granger 's house several times before of course , but he 'd never seen it quite like this . There were the Christmas decorations he was familiar with such as the tree with all of it 's ornaments and garland and the lit star on top . There was even one of those little barn type things with all of the people and animals standing about . He believed they were called nativities . However , there were some decorations that left him quite puzzled . What was that little doll with the pointed ears and the shoes that curled up on the end ? And he couldn 't for the life of him figure out what that little deer with the red nose that lit up was all about . After a few moments , Hermione entered the room holding two steaming mugs . As she smiled and handed him one , he discovered that it was hot chocolate . He happily took a sip as Hermione began talking , " My parents say that dinner will be ready in about half an hour . We 'll just have to find a way to pass the time until then . " " Rudolph , of course , " she said as if this was common knowledge . Then , something seemed to dawn on her , " Oh ! I suppose you wouldn 't know who Rudolph is , would you ? " Hermione glared at him . " If you must know , " she replied indignantly , " Almost all Muggle children , at least in certain parts of the world , believe this . Besides , what were you told as a child ? " Ron finally calmed down enough to speak , " We were always told that Santa apparated wherever he needed to go . It makes way more sense than flying reindeer . Plus , he could apparate back to the North Pole to get the rest of the toys . " You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen , Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen . , But do you recall ? The most famous reindeer of all ? " The most famous of all ? " Ron questioned . Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose , And if you ever saw it , You would even say it glows . All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names ; They never let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games . " Reindeer games ? " Ron laughed as Hermione sent him a glare . " There 's a movie ? " Ron asked with raised eyebrows . Hermione nodded her head . " Let me guess , " Ron said , " It 's the same story as the song ? " A / N : This is actually my first Harry Potter fanfiction in a couple of years . It was a lot of fun to write . My chaptered fanfiction ( it 's Avatar : The Last Airbender ) that I 'm currently writing has been difficult to write lately , so it was nice writing this which was a lot easier . I hope you enjoyed it ! Author 's Note : I haven 't been too good about posting these here . There are four more to go after this one . I think this is actually the shortest of them all . Also , sorry that a new chapter of A : TNG hasn 't been posted in a while . This next chapter is really hard for me to write . I should have a Harry Potter Christmas one - shot up tomorrow hopefully though . " He 's a newborn baby , honey . " Katara smiled at her daughter as she held her newly born son . " That 's what newborns look like . " " I 'm sure I 'll have a new way to make fun of him by then . " Kazuna told her parents cheerily . " Ichiko said you always need insults ready for siblings . " Zuko made his way to his son 's room only to find his diaper dry . He knew he couldn 't be hungry . Mai had fed him just a few minutes before . " I hate you ! " Ikuo yelled at his sister . Ichiko could tell that she 'd made him mad . Ikuo was an earthbender , and his anger was currently making the ground shake slightly . He was an incredibly gifted earthbender especially for a toddler . He was the son of the greatest earthbender ever after all . " Maybe when she 's dead . " Ikuo joked , or at least Sokka hoped he was joking . Ichiko pushed her brother and crossed her arms , offended at his words . Sokka just smiled . He knew it may take a few years , but someday his children would realize just how much they meant to each other . Author 's Note : I wanted to get this chapter up over a week ago , but because of work , it didn 't happen . Hopefully , the next chapter won 't take as long . Enjoy ! " Yep , " she replied a little shortly . He could tell by the look on her face that she was in an extremely bad mood . Who wasn 't right now ? They continued down the hall in complete silence . It was beginning to become slightly awkward . Finally , Ikuo gave up on even trying to form words . He put his hand on Ayame 's shoulder to prevent her from moving forward . She looked up at him in surprise . Her eyes widened as she saw him beginning to lean towards her . Before she could react any further , his mouth was on hers . He could feel her freeze in shock as soon as their lips were touching . For a second or two , he thought she would pull away . He wouldn 't have been surprised if she 'd slapped him and stormed off . She surprised him by actually deepening the kiss after her initial shock had worn off . They had all finally gathered in the bunker . The children were all huddled in a tight group on the ground . They seemed to feel safer if they were in a small , condensed group . Their parents stood over them as they gave them a quick lecture over safety , as if they could get away with anything while they were locked away in this place . " There will be guards outside of the bunker , " Aang explained , " Don 't allow anyone in , even if they claim to be on our side . One of us , " he motioned to the other adults standing around him , " will come and get you all . Don 't open that door unless you know for sure that one of us is on the other side . " " How long do you think we 'll be in here ? " Kuuya whispered . There was really no need to be quiet . The enemy was no where near them , at least not yet , and even if the enemy was right outside the door , they 'd have to shout to be heard . Still , all of them felt compelled to whisper . Azula 's face broke into a cruel smile as she began to make out the outline of the palace in the distance . She turned towards her father and saw a similar cruel expression on his own face . He grinned at her , " Finally , the time is here to take back what is rightfully ours . " Kazuna held her two - year - old brother , Yuuga , on her lap as she tried to calm him down . He hadn 't stopped crying since their parents had left them there . Ichiko felt as if she was about to lose her mind from all of the crying . It didn 't help that the four - year - old twins , Toya and Sugi , also looked close to tears at the moment . Ai reached over for Yuuga . " You need a break , " she explained when Kazuna gave her a questioning look . It was true that Kazuna was beginning to tire of her useless attempts at comfort , but she was still reluctant to hand him over to Ai . Nevertheless , a moment later when Kuuya 's cries seemed to become even louder , she handed him over to her friend . " I 'd say none , " Ai answered as she hugged Kuuya to herself , " He wouldn 't disobey my father . He knows he 'd never see me again , whether I live or die , if he did . In fact , he probably wouldn 't live . " Then , she went back to comforting Kuuya . " A little . Why ? " Ikuo asked before it finally dawned on him what Akatsuki meant . " No way ! I 'm not any good yet . It won 't work . " " I don 't care , " Ichiko said with sudden excitement in her voice as she stood up , " You 're trying it . " She grabbed a fistful of Ikuo 's clothes and pulled him up . " If you screw this up , you 're no longer my brother . " It was a scene of utter chaos . Everywhere you looked there seemed to be dead bodies . Neither side seemed to have a higher death toll than the other , not that it was easy to count from the emaciated bodies that covered the ground all over the capital city . A spectator of the battle would view two very well - matched forces fighting in a battle that seemed to be going no where . The Fire Nation Army had numbers on their side , but the rebels made up for that with their determination . It seemed that the forces would destroy each other and leave no one left to actually be declared a winner . Author 's Note : I just remembered that I never posted these here . I have eight one - shots / drabbles that take place in the same universe as A : TNG . I 'll be posting those here over the next several days . They 're all very short . " Aang , " Katara ran to her husband . They hugged with Kazuna between them . The group hug lasted for quite a while . Aang and Katara finally pulled apart slightly and kissed . Also , I 'd planned on having this chapter up last weekend , but school was crazy last week . Pretty much all I did was go to school , come home and do homework , and then sleep . Then , my whole weekend was focused on Harry Potter ( I loved the movie ! ) , and seeing my best friend for the first time since August . So , most of this chapter was written over this week . I hope you guys enjoy it ! " This is awesome ! " Kazuna yelled in excitement . She had seen Ichiko and Ayame just a few months earlier , but none of them had seen Ai in over a year now . With so much happening in the Fire Nation , none of their families had been very willing to travel there . " Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! " Kazuna repeated to her parents as she got up to hug them . This was difficult since there were also seven other children trying to do the same thing . She was so excited to see Ai again . She was also looking forward to seeing Akatsuki . They 'd been writing to each other a lot over the past year , and she couldn 't wait to actually get to talk to him . Kazuna ran towards Ai as soon as she came into sight . " I 'm so glad to see you ! " she exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around her friend . Ayame soon joined in the hug , but Ichiko stayed back . After a few moments , Kazuna turned to her , " Come on , Ichiko . " She held out her arm , gesturing for Ichiko to enter the hug as well . Ichiko just shook her head with a look on her face that said , " no way . " Finally , Kazuna was able to pull her into the hug with Ai and Ayame 's help . Kazuna couldn 't wait to catch up with Ai , but as soon as Ai had begun telling them the latest about her boyfriend , whom they had yet to meet , Kazuna caught sight of Akatsuki who was currently in a conversation with her younger brother Kuuya . He didn 't seem to be paying much attention though . He was looking her way , and smiled as soon as he saw that she was looking at him . She smiled back and waved which caused Akatsuki to blush a little . Kazuna found herself blushing at Ai 's words . It wasn 't anymore than she 'd expected . After a exchanging a few letters with Akatsuki , she 'd thought that he might have a crush on her . Still , she wasn 't exactly sure how to handle it now that they would be staying in the same place . She liked him as a friend and everything , but he was only ten years old after all . Azula proudly stood as they watched the army marching past them . It had taken over a year , but the time had finally come . A month ago , Ozai had told Azula that he felt that their army was ready to fight Zuko and his army . It was taking a while to gather their army together since they were so scattered across the nation . They had gradually been gathering troops as they neared the capital . They weren 't far now , and they had a fairly substantial number of their troops with them already . It wouldn 't take long before they were noticed by one of Zuko 's men . It didn 't matter . They weren 't hiding anymore . Judging from the size and talent of their troops , Zuko would need all the extra time he could get anyway . " My Lord , " Zuko turned as he heard one of the servants address him , " General Eun Mi wishes to speak to you sir . She 's says it can 't wait . It 's something about Ozai and Azula . " General Eun Mi looked at him with a grave look on her face . " Yes , " she began , " Azula and Ozai are leading their army towards us as we speak . I already have troops surrounding the capital , and even more on their way to meet them . If everything goes well , they 'll be defeated before they even reach the city . " " All right then , " Zuko said as he started towards the door , " Continue doing your job . I 'm going to have the palace evacuated . We need to get the servants and especially the children out . Then , my friends and I will join you . " The children were told they had fifteen minutes to gather some of their things to take with them . They were being taken to a bunker underneath the palace . It was the same one Fire Lord Ozai had hidden in during the Day of Black Sun . It wasn 't the most ideal place since Ozai and Azula would know where they were , but it was going to be heavily guarded , and they didn 't think even Azula and Ozai 's strong army would be able to break in . They didn 't have any earth or metal benders like Toph . She came over slowly and left a fairly large gap in between them . " I 've been thinking , " she began and then continued slowly , " I 've been kind of stupid this past year . I didn 't want to admit my feelings for you because somehow I thought that would make me weak . Then , Ai said something to me last night that made me realize something . She told me I shouldn 't be scared of love . She said that was what caused Azula and Ozai 's downfall . They didn 't have anyone who loved them enough to help them when they needed it . They only had themselves to rely on . That made me realize that love isn 't a weakness . It makes you stronger . Afterward , I wanted to tell you the truth , but I couldn 't get the courage to . Then , we find out that Ozai and Azula are coming , and I had to tell you I really did like you before . . . " After a moment , Hajime leaned over and kissed her . He offered her a small smile once they pulled apart , and he took her hand . " Come on , " he said as he stood up and pulled her up with him , " We need to get going . " Kazuna glanced up at him as he knocked . She smiled at him , but he could still see the fear in her eyes . " Hi Akatsuki , " she greeted him , " You can come in if you want . I 'm almost ready . " He walked over to her bed as his knees shook . He couldn 't believe he was going to go through with this . He decided to get it over with quickly . " Kazuna , I have a crush on you , " he said so quickly that the words were barely distinguishable , but he knew that Kazuna had understood because she froze . Kazuna turned towards Akatsuki with a look of shock on her face . " What ? " she asked in disbelief . She 'd never thought that he 'd admit his feelings like this . What was she supposed to say ? Kazuna smiled back at him . " Come on , " she said as she stood up , " We need to hurry . We don 't want the others waiting for us . It wouldn 't be too great if Azula and Ozai came before we were in the bunker . " Author 's Note : So , next chapter will may contain some fighting not much . After that though , the remaining chapters ( not including the epilogue ) will contain fighting . It 'll be interesting to see how those chapters go since my past attempts at writing fighting / battle scenes have been pretty horrible . Author 's Note : This chapter takes place over the course of a year . At different points in the chapter you see [ number ] months later , that means that part of the chapter takes place that many months after the last chapter . Next chapter will pick up a year later , and that 's when the rest of the story ( excluding the epilogue ) will take place . Also , this chapter is extremely short . I 'm going to work hard on making the next one an actually decent length . Enjoy ! Posters began appearing all over the Fire Nation . There were all different types . Some were wanted posters for Azula and Ozai . Others warned of the recruiting that the two were doing , telling the people of the lies they were spreading in order to convince others to join them . The Fire Nation was slowly disintegrating into chaos . Even the other two nations began to fear what would happen . Zuko was doing all he could to keep the nation together , but that was becoming harder and harder . Many members of the military , people with government jobs , and even his palace staff were quitting their jobs . Some supported Azula and Ozai , and some were just scared of them and what would happen if they were associated with Zuko . The Fire Nation 's relations with the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes became worse . The Earth Kingdom especially wanted nothing to do with the Fire Nation . They feared there would be another war and even began to build up their military . They were talking about Ayame 's latest boyfriend . He 'd asked her out at lunch , and to everyone 's surprise , she 'd said yes . Ichiko didn 't even know the boy 's name , and she was pretty sure that Ayame didn 't either . None of it made sense . Why did she just randomly decide to date this boy ? Ichiko rolled her eyes , " I can 't believe you 're using that stupid jealousy thing . It never works . At least not the way you want it too . Either the guy you like isn 't brave enough or really doesn 't care . If he does get jealous , he 's still unlikely to say anything to you . " " You 're not going to get onto me for using the other guy though ? " Ayame asked . This also confirmed to Ichiko that Ayame still had no clue who this guy was since she referred to him as " the other guy . " " Of course not , " Ichiko replied , " I could care less about him . " After all , caring had never been one of Ichiko 's strong traits . " I just think this is a stupid idea . " It turned out that Ichiko had been right . Ayame had dated the guy for about a week when she finally dumped him . Ikuo , instead of admitting his feelings , had begun to outright ignore the fact that Ayame even existed . As soon as she announced the break up , things seemed to return to normal . Neither Ayame nor Ikuo had yet to admit their feelings to each other . On that note , neither had Hajime or Ichiko . " He refuses to meet with me , " Zuko told Aang . They were in the same room that meetings about the war had been held about two decades ago . Now , it was being used for somewhat similar reasons . Aang was in the Fire Nation for about a week to meet with Zuko . Zuko had asked him to come after the Earth King refused to listen to Zuko . Aang 's job had become very hard lately since the Earth Kingdom and Northern Water Tribe weren 't wanting anything to do with the Fire Nation anymore . Aang felt , that if he didn 't live in the Southern Water Tribe and have such a strong influence there , it would probably be siding with it 's sister tribe as well . " I 've already tried speaking to the Earth King , " Aang sighed , " He refuses to listen . I 'll head to the North Pole tomorrow and see what can be done . I can 't say I have much hope though . What little trust the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes had in the Fire Nation after the war has been all but broken . " Zuko nodded in agreement , " I can 't say I blame them for hating us , but their hate is blinding them to the truth . We 're not their enemy anymore . Ozai and Azula are . " Azula nodded her head in approval as she watched a group of soldiers train . The amount of training they 'd had was sparse as they had to be careful that they weren 't found . Often , small groups of them would meet in their town and practice together while Azula and Ozai traveled and made sure everything was going well . Ai smiled contently as she rested her head on her boyfriend 's shoulder . It was a week away from their one - year anniversary . She couldn 't believe how long it had been ! Even though she still felt fearful every time she thought about Azula and Ozai , this had been an amazing year . Haruki always knew how to make her feel better when she began to feel scared . She 'd been surprised when she 'd realized that she was in love with him . It was about a month earlier . He 'd been teasing her about being a princess ( one of his favorite things to do ) when it had just suddenly hit her . She hadn 't told him yet for fear that he didn 't feel the same way . " Mm hm , " she murmured in agreement , " The best . " She lifted her head from his shoulder and kissed him . This continued for a while until Haruki eventually pulled away . " I love you . " He said it quickly , and it took a moment for it to register in Ai 's mind . When it did , a huge smile spread across her face . Author 's Note : I got the chapter done in six days ! That being said , this chapter was tough to write , and it ended up being kind of short . I hope you guys enjoy it though ! Ichiko was tossing and turning in her bed for the fifth night in a row . She couldn 't get the conversation she 'd had with Hajime on the beach out of her head . Her parents were concerned that she was getting sick because she was so exhausted lately . The truth was that she just couldn 't sleep . Hajime filled her thoughts almost constantly which honestly made her nauseous . She was turning into one of those girls . She hated the girls who did nothing but obsess over their latest crush or boyfriend ( prime example : Ayame ) . She 'd promised herself , and her friends , years ago that she wouldn 't turn out like that , yet here she was unable to sleep because of Hajime . She almost hated him for it . She had no choice but to finally admit to herself that she liked him . For the first time in her life , she was interested in a boy romantically . That didn 't mean she was ready for a relationship though . There was no way she was going out with him . She may like him , but she wasn 't doing that . She was still determined to stay single . She 'd get over him eventually . " What are we going to do about this ? " Aang asked Zuko . They were just leaving an important meeting . They 'd gained information that Azula and Ozai were recruiting people for an army . The source wasn 't aware of exactly how many people they had been able to get , but they felt it was a lot . " I guess just wait , " Zuko sighed , " Capturing them now won 't do much good because there will be other people to deal with now . We 'll still search for them of course , but even if we find them , we 'll have more work cut out for us . I doubt he people they 've recruited will just stand by and do nothing . " " It couldn 't hurt , " Zuko agreed , " We know Azula and Ozai are using propaganda . I 'll see if we can get some flyers or something . We 'll have to call another meeting about it . " Ayame watched as Ichiko paced in front of her . It was a strange sight to see Ichiko so nervous since she usually tried to hide it . Ayame sat patiently . She was beginning to get a little annoyed , but she didn 't want Ichiko to snap at her for interrupting her pacing . Finally , Ichiko turned to her , " Okay , don 't laugh , " she demanded of Ayame . Once Ayame had assured her that she wouldn 't , Ichiko continued , " I already sent letters to Kazuna and Ai earlier this morning . " Ayame noticed that Ichiko 's cheeks had a pinkish hue to them . " I like Hajime . " " I know , " said Ichiko , " But I 've finally admitted it to myself . I can 't stop thinking about him , " she clenched her fists in frustration , " Gah ! It 's so frustrating . " Ayame couldn 't help but chuckle a little , and Ichiko glared at her . " Ichiko , there 's nothing wrong with that , " Ayame assured her friend as she slipped an arm around her shoulders . " Now , when are you going to tell him ? " Ayame was giving Ichiko a strange look . She didn 't seem to understand what Ichiko was saying . She probably didn 't . When Ayame liked a boy , she did everything she could to make that boy like her . Finally , Ayame seemed to recover . " Fine , " she said , " It 's your business , so I can 't make you do anything . That doesn 't mean I 'm not going to bug you about it constantly though . " Aang 's smile grew larger when the small village came into view . He and Zuko had decided that there wasn 't much more Aang could do at the moment , and Aang was finally able to come home to be with his family . He 'd sent a letter ahead , so they 'd know he was coming . He could see his whole family waiting for him just outside of the village . As soon as Aang 's feet were on the ground , he was attacked by a mob of children . He collapsed back in the snow , laughing , as his children began climbing on him . Kazuna and Kuuya even joined the fray when they reached him . Somehow , things led to a snowball fight that even Katara joined in . Of course , the water benders had a very unfair advantage . Ai sat with Haruki in front of the pond on the palace grounds . They were feeding the turtle ducks together . They 'd been spending most of their free time together since they 'd met . Ai loved spending time with him . She hadn 't had a boyfriend in a couple of years . She 'd been too busy learning from her father what she 'd need to know to rule the nation to focus on boys . Part of her felt it wasn 't a good idea to get attached to Haruki . There was too much going on at the moment , but she couldn 't help being drawn to him . None of her past crushes had been this strong . Ai wanted to say something about her feelings for him , but she was scared he wouldn 't reciprocate . Maybe he just thought of her as a friend . Her being the next in line for the throne didn 't help either . Most guys were usually intimidated by her . If her responsibilities weren 't hard enough to deal with , her father being able to lock up or banish them didn 't help either . " I see that now , " he said before slightly changing the topic , " There 's also something else I didn 't really expect . " He turned away from her and focused his eyes on the turtle ducks . " I didn 't expect I would fall for you . " Ai could tell he was blushing slightly . Author 's Note : Guess what ! This blog is now caught up with fanfiction . net . That means I won 't be posting a new chapter of this story until it 's also updated over there . I 'm working on the chapter now , and it will probably be up sometime this weekend . Also , I already said on fanfiction . net that this story has six chapters and an epilogue left . I 'm planning on having it all done in about two months . Enjoy the chapter ! It was the late afternoon when Aang saw the Fire Nation capital in the distance . Zuko hadn 't known when to expect him , so he was a little surprised to see Aang gliding through the sky as he was taking a walk . Aang was a little unnerved at how tired and aggravated Zuko seemed . In the little time it had been since they 'd seen each other , Zuko seemed to have been stretched to the limit . " I have some bad news actually , " Zuko paused for a moment . He seemed to be thinking about how to break the bad news to Aang . " Ozai broke out of jail the other night . The guard was found knocked out . He 's woken up , but he doesn 't know who attacked him . The attacker obviously made sure they wouldn 't be recognized , but we 're almost positive it was Azula . " " Not yet , " Zuko told Aang with regret in his voice . " We 're searching though . We think it 's only a matter of time before they let us know where they are . " " I 've found at least twenty people so far that want to help us , " Azula told her father as they sat in the forest under the cover of the trees . " Most of them were high ranking officers when you were Fire Lord and have since been demoted or kicked out the the military all together . They much preferred when you were in power . " " They told me they had friends that were interested as well , " Azula informed him . " They 're bringing them to meet with us . I don 't think it will be that hard to get a fairly substantial number of soldiers . There are many in the Fire Nation who want you as their leader again . I wouldn 't even put it past many of the current soldiers to turn on Zuko . It won 't be that difficult to organize a full - scale rebellion against dear , old Zuzu . " She smiled with evil glee as she spoke . Hajime rolled his eyes , " Of course you weren 't . " He continued after a moment of silence . " I don 't understand why you won 't admit that you like her . There 's nothing wrong with it . " Hajime considered Ikuo 's words for a moment . His face scrunched up in mild disgust before saying , " Ew . Okay , that is a little weird . " There was a moment of silence before Hajime realized something , " Wait ! Ichiko and I were in those baths too . . . I am officially disgusted . " Ikuo laughed at his best friend , " Sorry to bring it up . Look on the bright side , we , and they , can 't remember anything . " He suddenly got serious and said , " But that 's not the real problem . Honestly , I don 't want to tell her how I feel and have her react the same way Ichiko reacted when you admitted your feelings to her . " The two boys were oblivious to the conversation that was currently taking place between the two same girls they 'd just been discussing . Ayame and Ichiko were sitting in the backyard of Ichiko 's house . They had their backs against the stone wall of the house and were occasionally glancing at the two boys they could see under the trees in the distance . " No say in the matter ? " Ichiko asked in disbelief , " Of course you had a say in the matter ! No one 's making you like him . " Ichiko just shook her head in disbelief , " Whatever . If you want to be with my idiot of a brother than go ahead . I just hope you don 't regret it . " Ichiko looked at Ayame in shock . Ayame never got nervous around boys . She was always flirting and seemed to know exactly what to say to them . Ichiko never thought she 'd see the day where Ayame would be scared to ask a boy out . " Wow , I never thought I 'd hear you say that , " she said in surprise . " Akatsuki , " she called to him . Once she had his attention , she continued , " Two letters came for you today . They 're both from the Southern Water Tribe . " She smiled at her son when he jumped up in excitement and ran towards her . Akatsuki looked between the two letters . He couldn 't decide which to read first . He figured the one with the messier handwriting was his best friend , Kuuya , and the one with the neater handwriting was from Kazuna . He wanted to open his best friend 's first , but he couldn 't help himself when he set Kuuya 's on the desk and opened Kazuna 's first instead . He read it eagerly . She wanted him to write back ! He hadn 't actually thought she 'd write him back . He 'd figured that she 'd just consider it weird that he 'd sent her a letter and just throw it away . He wasn 't sure when exactly he 'd begun liking Kazuna . When she 'd first shown up in the Fire Nation after Azula 's escape , he hadn 't noticed anything different about his feelings for her . She was just a family friend , but by the time she returned to the Southern Water Tribe , he 'd begun to feel differently . She had always been nice to him , and he thought she was the prettiest girl he 'd ever seen . He 'd always thought that she just saw him as Ai 's little brother and didn 't really pay much attention to him . Her letter gave him a little hope . Maybe someday she 'd see him in a different way . Many of these people were soldiers who 'd lost their jobs after the war . Fire Lord Zuko had greatly downsized the military . He said it wasn 't necessary to have such a large military when there was peace . This had left many people without jobs . Many people who had once been soldiers were now homeless and living in the streets . They were undernourished but still good fighters from their years of training in what had been the largest and most powerful military in the world . I 'm a 23 - year - old who recently graduated from college with an English and secondary education degree . I 've been a reader for as long as I can remember , and at some point that bled into writing as well . I 'm a huge nerd and obsessed with tons of different things , which I enjoy getting overly excited about on a regular basis . |
Another rainy day here in central Massachusetts . It was cold today too . After I picked up Ping , we went to Payless Shoes . We didn 't get anything . Not a big deal , I just wanted her to try on a pair that I saw yesterday . I ended up liking what I got her when I ran in after swim yesterday , so we stuck with that . I then said I would take her to Wendy 's . I don 't think I have ever taken her there . We didn 't have any food in the house , so I thought a quick bite to eat was in order . She was so confused . " Why are we going to Wendy 's house to eat Mama . " LOL . When we got there , she said " Wendy is not here . " I think she now gets what I was telling her , it was just the name of the place like McDonalds is a name of a place . When we got home , I sat down and closed my eyes for a few . I am not sure if it is because it 's rainy or I am just tired . I fell asleep for a short while . When I got up , I organized a cabinet that I needed to do . I also went through all of Ping 's socks and matched them up . Very boring , but totally necessary . We had a few projects that needed to be done today . Tonight we went to the Worcester Court House . CASA was putting on a mock trial . We could invite our family , so I brought Ping and Bill along . Ping was fairly well behaved , I was pleased . I also got my court appointment . When we got home , Ping got a bath and the two of them went to bed . I am going to go clean up and pack a snack for Ping and head there myself . Hope you are well . Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! ! Monday I was wiped out , so I couldn 't post that night . Bill was up and out by 7 : 30 am . Ping and I got up at 8 : 00 am and got ready to go to the cemetery . Every year on Memorial Day , there is a small parade and tribute at the two smaller cemeteries in town . The firefighters , police and veterans march in this parade . They go to one cemetery at 8 : 00 am and then they come up to the one on my street for 9 : 15 am . They used to have the high school band and everything , but due to budget cuts , they are no longer involved . It 's quite sad really . Everyone usually parks on our yard or around our yard , so we see when they are lining up . Every year I hustle over to the cemetery for 9 : 15 am . So Ping and I went over and stood in the sun by my parents stone for the parade and tribute . We then talked with our neighbors for awhile . We came home , cleaned up a few things and headed up town . The boy scouts and girls scouts and other organizations join the original group and they all march through town together . They go through town , go to the largest cemetery and then finish up at a church that has a few memorials . They raise the flag at that time . I have been going to this for years . I went when I was a little girl . I walked in it when I was a little girl ! Now I take my little one . Bill always walks in the parade . So Ping and I stood on the side of the road as the parade went by . We then walked to the big cemetery to watch the tribute there and then we went to the church where the last of the tributes were made . Bill then went to the Legion for a beer . It 's a tradition . He was home within the hour . Good thing . When he went to leave , Ping cried hysterically . She wanted her Daddy . Once home , we did some laundry and then headed out for some much needed errand running . After we got home and had dinner , the two of them went to bed and I passed out in the middle of watching TV . Tuesday it was back to the routine . After swim , I did a few more errands and then showered and picked up Ping . We stayed home all day because I had some cleaning to do Posted by I am still hot here . The house is like an oven and I can 't stand it . Yesterday we stayed in all day since we had things to do and evening plans . Our babysitter for Ping arrived at 5 : 00 pm and we were out the door by 5 : 20 pm . I was hosting a little dinner party at O ' Connors restaurant for Bill since he graduated this past Thursday . We had a nice private room in the back with one waitress for our entire party . There was only nine of us , but it was perfect . All of our favorite people were there . It was Bill , me , Anita , Joe , Meri , Sarah , Brad , Donna and Brad . We had a few appetizers and then dinner . Bill opened presents before we ate because he was so excited ! Our friends were so very generous . Donna and Brad gave him an awesome gift card to Bob 's Stores . He has been wanting to get some stuff there . Sarah and Brad sent that huge fortune cookie and gave him money which he always loves . Anita gave him a bag with marshmellows , a chocolate bar , skewers and graham crackers . He snidely said to me " Hey , I can use these over the stove since I don 't have a fire pit . What he didn 't know is that the fire pit was in Anita 's car . So she told him and of course he had a huge smile ! ! ! ! Joe and Meri got him a two tone colored watch with the chronograph dials . He has been wanting a nice watch for awhile . Needless to say , he was thrilled . Meri also got Bill a few graduation balloons and a little dog you can sign . It was adorable ! He was so happy with everything he got . I am so grateful our friends were able to be with us , this was just the icing on the cake ! The evening went way too fast as usual . Everyone went home with the exception of Anita . She came back with us and rode with me to drop of Ping 's babysitter and then hung out and chatted till 1 : 00 am . Bill also took the fire pit out of her truck . She was sick of carrying it all over the place . I can 't say I blamed her . It was a great night . Today I got up early because my friend Audra called to see if I wanted to have a play date . I so did , but had plans to get a few things done here Posted by I know some people love this hot weather , but I am not a fan if I don 't have a / c in the house . Ours is not working really well right now , so I just feel very blah ! Okay so I woke up this morning and my dear daughter was sleeping so soundly . I went to put my bathing suit on , but didn 't have the heart to wake her any harder than I already tried . I let her sleep . I went back to bed as well . When I woke up she was missing ! So I ran downstairs to see what she was doing . She was in my office with a magic marker and a Sharpie . She was writing on a small piece of paper , so she got Sharpie on my floor . I tried to get it off , but I have yet to be successful . UGH . She also was taking my stickers and stamps and putting them all over stuff . I always get punished when I let her stay home ! I felt so guilty for keeping her home , but she sat in the heat yesterday for three hours and the dust was blowing . Her nose was running , she was exhausted from going to bed late , etc . Figured she could use a little extra rest . I showered and started cleaning the house a little . I also made a few phone calls . One of them to the a / c people ! ! ! ! ! They are coming out next week . Thank goodness ! ! ! ! Bill came home and was going to mow the lawn when we got a delivery at the door . It was a huge fortune cookie from Sarah and Brad for Bill 's graduation . It 's so cool . Not sure where this day went . I have to confess that I laid down in the family room with the little air conditioner we have because we don 't have central air in that room , and I passed out for a few . That felt good . I wasn 't there long , but just long enough to be comfortable . I painted my nails tonight and watched Marley and Me . No matter how many times I was warned , I just had to watch it . What a tearjerker ! Well off to do a few things and then bed . Have a great long weekend ! ! ! ! Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! Side of cookie . Back of cookie with smiley face and stars . The big cookie with nice bow . Yesterday I drove with Ping to Norwood in the afternoon to see my doctor . I have yet another sinus infection ! ! ! I stopped in Foxboro to give Bill 's mom a hanging plant for Mother 's Day . She was thrilled we stopped by to visit for 40 minutes or so . We then went to the doctors and then headed home . It was a long day in the car . I left at 2 : 00 pm and got home around 7 : 00 pm . I had to stop at CVS when I got back into town . I spent the night watching a movie that I had on DVR . I stayed up till 2 : 00 am . That was just dumb on my part , but I was into the movie and didn 't want to shut it off . This morning I got up at 8 : 00 am to take Ping to school . Bill stayed home today , so Ping started drilling him first thing . " Daddy , you stay home from work ? Daddy , I go to school today still and Mommy go swimming still ? " " Yes Baby " answered Bill . This went on and on . First of all , how does she not know it 's not a Saturday ? It amazes me that she knows when he is home and shouldn 't be . She never questions him on the weekend as to why he isn 't at work . So bizarre . Anyway , since the two of them were chatting , I said " Take her to school darling . " Bill was having no part of that . So he went to bed at 9 : 00 pm and slept all night and I didn 't get into bed till after 2 : 00 am and I have to get up ? ? ? ? NO FAIR : ) Bill stayed home because he graduated today . So he wanted to sleep in . I can 't say I blame him . So I took Ping to school , went to swimming , showered at home , picked Ping up and then went to Ayi Karen 's to get her hair cut . She looks so darn cute . Her bangs are slowly but surely coming in . Maybe another month or two and we shall see some ? ? ? ? After the hair cut , we came home and did a few things and then headed out to graduation . We had to be there for 3 : 00 pm . Bill went to the gym to line up and Ping and I grabbed two chairs . It wasn 't fun at all . It was a three hour ceremony , all Ping wanted to do was go to the bathroom or hang all over me , it was hotter than hell and the sun was shining directly on us , I was dying of thirst , but when I took Posted by What a day ! ! ! ! ! ! Ping and I got ready for the day and then jumped into the truck to get to school . I opened my purse to get out my sunglasses and they are gone . Missing . I was hysterical . I ran in the house and scoured the place . That was after dumping the entire contents of my purse on the seat . I looked under the seats and between the cushions . I couldn 't find them anywhere . It was getting late , so I had to get Ping to school . I dropped her off and came home to scour some more . I finally found them in her toddler bag . She must have put them in there . I know I didn 't . Thank god I found them . They were a gift to myself after I had eye surgery and I love them . I didn 't want to have to replace them . This is why I always bought myself a $ 5 . 00 pair ! ! ! ! ! ! I skipped swim because I chose to come home and look for the glasses . I actually ended up crawling back into bed for a little under an hour . I still have that crappy headache , so I thought an extra hour would be good for me . It didn 't make a difference . After getting Ping from school we returned home . Our dryer broke and the woman who fixes it was due to come between 12 : 00 pm and 5 : 00 pm . She came around 3 : 00 pm or so . She had to order a part , so it 's not fixed yet . Hopefully within a few days ! ! ! ! ! ! Ping played with her dolls today while I paid some bills and made phone calls . I don 't know why I always have so much of that stuff to do . I literally paid three bills , made a to do list , filled out some info in a book and did a few other things . It took hours just to do some of those things . I also cleaned my office and bathroom . What a mess this house has been lately . Bill and Ping have been going in and our a lot at night , so there is a ton of grass and such on the floors ! ! ! ! ! I had a 7 : 30 pm meeting tonight . Once a year there is a cemetery meeting . Everyone who owns a plot is invited to attend . I went last year and again this year . It 's just good to know what is going on . It 's a very small cemetery at the end of my street and my relatives including my Mom and Dad are therPosted by Do I have a sinus infection ? Allergies ? It 's so frustrating to me . I have taken everything under the sun today and nothing seems to be helping it . It 's not an awful pounding headache . It 's just an annoying , feel icky kind of headache ! Went swimming this morning . The water felt wonderful . Some days I appreciate the water more than others . Some days it feels really soft . Odd , I know ! We spent the day at home . Ping has a runny nose still and I wasn 't at the top of my game , so I thought today would be a good day to make all those annoying calls one has to make . All boring business calls . Check on a charge here , find out from the phone company about such and such there , etc . I also went through a lot of my parents old paperwork . Bill came home and mowed the lawn . He put flags where our sprinklers are and then covered the flowers at the cemetery . They are saying we may get a frost tonight ! Like we need a frost ? ? ? ? ? I was actually quite cold tonight , so I can believe it . We skipped dinner . It was late and I was feeling nauseous . I started a new medicine today . I am wondering if we aren 't going to get along . I will see how it goes tomorrow . If it bothers me , I won 't take it . It 's just for the gallbladder stuff I had going on a few weeks ago . More of a preventative type medicine . Well that is about all I have to share . Sorry I have been so downright boring lately . We haven 't been doing very much recently . That will change soon . Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! ! I am not sure if it 's because the wind was blowing yesterday or because I have had my nose in dusty boxes today . I feel like I either have sinus issues or a cold coming on . Ping has had a drippy nose for a few days now and I have been wondering what it was . Now I have that sick headache thing going on right now . I slept in today . It wasn 't my intention , but I guess I was tired . When I did get up , Bill and I took a look at what we bought last night and matched it up to what he had . Now we know that he still needs a few things . We then showered and started out on our projects . Bill mowed the back yard and trimmed around parts of the yard . I went through old photos , cards and paperwork . It wasn 't a good project at all . I was okay until I found one picture in particular that threw me over the edge . I don 't have a lot of pictures with me and my parents . Not sure why . Probably because we were only a family of three , who was going to take the photo , right ? Anyway , it hit me like it was proof that I was part of a family . I know that sounds insane , but it 's true . It was like proof . Plus for the first time in my life , I think I actually looked like them . I never did before . I will post it so you can decide . Bill and Ping went out shopping and I watched " Bride Wars . " It was okay . I then watched another movie called " Home of the Brave . " Not so great . Very slow . I wanted to get a lot more done , but I just didn 't feel up to it . I hope I wake up feeling better . Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! The three of us . This was 1984 , so keep that in mind when looking at the clothes ! Donna and I going to Regis ' wedding in NY . An amazing day . Bill and I have been together for 20 years as of today ! We met each other a few days before , but our first date was on this day . I got Bill an anniversary card and wished him a Happy Anniversary . It 's been the best 20 years of his life , right ? He said " oh , I didn 't know we were doing cards . " I told him we were doing rings , but he didn 't get that memo I guess : ) Today we spent a few hours at the cemetery planting flowers at three graves . We were packing up and getting ready to leave when my uncle Charlie pulled in the driveway . He is on the " Cemetery Committee " in our family . Basically he plants at some graves , another person plants at other graves , etc . We have a family reunion every third Sunday in August . We have officers and committees and such . One of the committees is the cemetery one . So my uncle was over planting three flowers for my mom and dad . I am glad we were planting after . They usually plant after us and they always put the flowers right smack dab in front . We sort of have our way of planting there , so when they come along , they mess it up a tad . Not that I am ungrateful because I am not . I am very grateful . My uncle only stayed 30 minutes or so . We then headed over to start planting . I bring a chair and a magazine and Bill and Ping plant . She loves to help ! We put the three flowers my uncle planted in the back of the stone with our petunias ! We were there for what seemed life forever . It 's quite time consuming to plant at three graves . When we got home , we went through Bill 's t - shirts and shorts to see what he has . We then headed out to do some shopping . Bill needed shirts and some shorts desperately . We then went to Chilis . We haven 't been there in a long time . I wanted to go home , but Ping was complaining she was hungry and it was late , so we just went there since it was so close by . She passed out right after she ate . On the way home I asked Bill to stop at Blockbuster so I could rent a movie I have been wanting to see . I rented two ! I just finished watching the first one . Well turniPosted by It was an awesome day though . I got so much done today that I am thrilled ! I picked up Ping from school and we headed off to flower shop . I bought 11 wave petunia containers and 14 geraniums . We plan on planting at the cemetery tomorrow . I hope the weather stays decent . It 's supposed to ! We then headed to Target for a few things . Of course I forgot to get stuff that I really needed to . We came home and had lunch and then I paid some bills , ordered myself some beads that I have been wanting to get and ordered some clothes that I desperately needed . Before I knew it , it was 5 : 30 pm . I sat down to read the rest of Baystate Parent that I had hanging around and then Bill came through the door . Ping was dying to plant the flowers we got , so they planted some petunias in two planters we have . I picked up enough petunias for the two buckets and for the cemetery . I know I will need to go back and get some more to plant in a few other places as well ! Ping had a ball outside . She had a quick dinner and headed off to bed . She was exhausted and extra whiny . I have to say that Ping was so helpful today . She is quite often ! She had to put every flower on the cart . She then had to push this giant cart to the register and then out to the truck . She had to put all the plants in the car with my assistance . She then insisted on taking them all out of the car and would only let me help her once I begged . She is a huge helper . She does this at any store we go to . She has to put the products in the cart , on the conveyor belt and then in the car ! She cracks me up . I usually say to her " enjoy your childhood now because you will have to do this soon enough ! " She was so sweet today , she made me cry . I don 't know how it came about , but I said " How many kitties do you have ? " She said she only had one . She knows she has three , but she was trying to be funny . So I said , " well I will tell the other two that they no longer live with us . " Of course she giggled . So I said " Come on silly , we have three . . . . there is Neesha , Sophie and Sasha . " She saiPosted by I had a 9 : 00 am appointment today , so I got up early so I could shower before getting Ping off to school . The appointment was only an hour . I had some running around to do in Worcester and then had to rush back to pick Ping up in time . I barely made it . There is a ton of construction all over Worcester , so I was constantly getting stuck in traffic jams . After I grabbed Ping from school , we came home and I cleaned the family room and the kitchen . A few other areas as well . I also sewed three buttons on three of Bill 's shirts . Do I look like Martha Stewart ? I am getting good at button sewing . I sat down somewhere around 5 : 00 pm or so to close my eyes for a few minutes because I had plans for the night . Ping saw to it that I was not going to close my eyes at all . She has been so hyper lately . I am not sure what is going on , but she is like a major wind tunnel . I was actually looking forward to leaving the house for a little peace and I usually don 't feel that way . So I got right back up since closing my eyes wasn 't going to work . Bill got home at 6 : 30 pm and I headed off to pick up Meri for a little baby shower in her honor . We went to Sakura restaurant in Worcester . We met her friend 's there and had dinner and watched her open a few gifts . I think she enjoyed herself . It was a nice time for her . After watching a little TV , I realized I am super sleepy tonight so I need to head to bed . Wish I had something more interesting to share , but lately we have been so low key ! Not a bad thing at all . Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! It was beautiful out today . Unfortunately we didn 't get to enjoy it much . I had my final CASA training tonight and so I had to get some stuff done before heading there . After school , we came home so I could make a few calls . Ping did an excellent job on her puzzles . The minute we walked in , she was begging to get her puzzles in the closet . Bill came home and I flew off to CASA . I am glad the training is over . However , the training was great . It certainly wasn 't boring . Now I wait to go back at the end of May to watch a mock trial . That should be interesting . I am also now available for a case . I got home kind of late , so I was only able to give Ping a kiss before she had to dash off to bed . She fell asleep fairly easily . Must be because she was up early today . I have no idea why she got up early , but I got up when the alarm went off and I found my closet door closed and noises coming from it . So I gently opened the door and Ping was standing there in my high school cap and gown and my high heels ! She couldn 't stop laughing . Neither could I . She was so cute . I just wish I had my camera at the time . Tonight was a nice quiet night . I got to watch an older movie that I have sort of been wanting to watch . Now it 's time to wake up the sleeping hubby and head upstairs . Lord knows what I am going to find when I wake up tomorrow . Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! I am glad the day is nearly over . School and swim went fine . We came home after school because Ping was going to get a hair cut from Ayi Karen . Unfortunately , Karen wasn 't feeling well so we didn 't see her . We were also waiting for someone to come by and look at something that needs to be done at the house . He did show up . The most frustrating part of the day were that people were getting annoyed at something I said on Facebook . It wasn 't an insult or anything mean . It was just me sharing my feelings on something . Well people got bent out of shape and so I had to hear about that . Then another person left a cryptic message and trying to find out what it was proved fruitless . In addition , I had a few phone calls that didn 't go well today . I don 't like to have to argue with anyone , but if you don 't stand by what you are supposed to , I am going to say something . Don 't expect me to back down and whimper . It 's not going to happen ! Bill got home late and Ping was all hyped up before bed , so that was not really all that much fun . I am thinking of stepping away from the computer and phone so I can 't be annoyed any longer . I should hide out in a little cave . Maybe I will contemplate some snacks for that trip . Hmmm , better go think about that ! Take care ! Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! ! I slept terribly last night . So did Ping . I was crushed between Ping on my side and Sasha at my feet . Bill snored like he was trying to demolish the roof . It was awful . I am still trying to figure out why I have a king sized bed ? I am getting less room in it than if I had a toddler bed ! ! ! ! ! Ping tossed and turned all night long . I swear that she is going to her own bed as of the beginning of June . I love her like crazy and I love having her close to me , but she is like a spider with those legs of hers . They are up and over and crossed and backwards , etc . I always get her feet in my stomach and her hand on my face . That is before she flips and lays at the other end of the bed ! Someone is moving from my bedroom and if it isn 't her , it will be me . I will take up residence elsewhere . I want some room to stretch ! ! ! ! So I drove Ping to school in a groggy state and then went off to swimming . After the bank and Walmart , I headed home for a shower and then back out to get Ping . Going into Walmart is a pain right now as they are remodeling . Nothing is where it usually is . It takes a 5 minute trip and makes it 30 ! We had our sprinkler system turned on today . Bill came home early so I could head to CASA . He mowed the grass while I was out . Looks nice . Well I guess I will try to do a few things and watch some TV before going to bed . Hope you are all well ! Mama Out ! ! ! ! ! Yesterday was a busy day . Bill and Ping headed out in the morning for a hair cut and an oil change . They got home very late . We had a party to be to for 1 : 00 pm , but Bill didn 't pull in until 1 : 30 pm . We raced to the party and was there in plenty of time to watch Sam open his birthday presents . He is now 5 years old ! We had a nice time . We then headed into Worcester to a Dumpling party at WPI . The Chinese students wanted to host us one last time before the summer break . Only 10 families could go because of space issues . I realized when we got there that we were the only ones that went . I was really sad about that . They expected two families and the other family didn 't even show up . So all these students got together , rented the Oasis House , cooked , set up video games and were there to talk about the past year and what we would like to do for the following year . We stayed for hours . The Ayi 's loved Ping and the guys were just great . Ping was not shy at all . She went up to one male student and asked for a drink . So cute ! These students are truly phenomenal . Once we left there , we headed out to dinner . We hadn 't had lunch and we didn 't eat with the Dumpling student group . We were really starving . We then headed home so Ping could go to bed . She was exhausted ! Bill went to bed when Ping did . I watched a little TV , hung out on here and then decided to grab my new People magazine and soak for an hour or so in the jacuzzi ! I went to bed around 1 : 30 am . About an hour later the tones when off and Bill had to leave for the station . I woke up with him and of course Ping did as well . I don 't know when I got back to sleep , but I heard Bill come in and unbuckle his jeans . Just then the tones went off again . So after some muffled groans , he headed back out and I fell asleep again . Needless to say , nobody slept through the night ! Today I got up at 9 : 30 am . We had reservations for brunch at a place called Blissful Meadows in Uxbridge . We had to be there for 10 : 30 am . I decided about two weeks ago to make the reservations . I thoughtPosted by |
Apparently the nightmares are back , trigged by early Independence Day fireworks . I think it started at my parents ' house last night . I was there for dinner , we were all inside , and somewhere outside a firecracker went off . I jumped , visibly shaken , and was suddenly jolted into an idea of Rick 's last moments . A gunshot I didn 't hear , but know occurred . I guess that 's enough . I recovered in an instant , but the noise really shook me inside my head . As a social worker , I understand that these things happen , but on a personal level , I wasn 't expecting it . The random early firecracker faded into nothingness and I went on with my night . I went home . I blogged . I watched some TV . Then more early fireworks started in my own neighborhood . I jumped when they started - much more than the scenario called for , but easily relaxed as the night wore on ( and so did the fireworks ) . The cats and I went to bed . And just like that , the nightmares were back . I had at least four last night . I had horrible ones during which I couldn 't wake myself up , but wanted to desperately . I had ones that caused me to wake up yelling or crying . I felt like I had to keep catching my breath last night . I 'm hoping the nightmares will dissipate again . . . or perhaps present themselves one at a time . The cluster of nightmares last night was too intense and unbearable . I thought I was past the timeframe that would cause such resurfacing of trauma . I thought my grief had taken over in a softer , less extreme way . I guess grief still has surprises . I don 't want to remember the bad or the scary . I want to remember the good . I don 't like when things are out of my control . I don 't like being caught off guard . Actually , I don 't like grieving . Posted by On April 19th , 2008 , the day I was married , I gave Rick a wedding gift . It was a compilation of all the poems I had ever written for him , hardbound into a book . It was the very last thing I ever did as Arielle Lee Becker . I remember how amazed Rick was when he opened it and how touched . My writing was one of the things that brought us together . He spent Christmas of 2006 alone at home , reading everything I had written on my old website , falling in love with me through my words . . . or so he said . Once we became a couple , I showed him the poems I wrote and he marveled at each one , so proud of what I could do and so stunned that so many of the poems were for him . He never tired of my writing and always treasured each piece of paper I gave him . He saved everything . He had a box of every email we 'd exchanged , every note , every card , and every poem . He taped his favorites to his desk . Long after the hardbound book of poetry was created in 2008 , Rick saved my poems , because they kept coming . They tapered off as the newness of love dissolved , but still I wrote them , because ours was a steady love that was always there , even when excitement faded away . Instead of a traditional obituary for Rick , I stayed true to myself and included a poem with the obituary I wrote for the newspaper . It was almost $ 1 , 000 total , but I didn 't care . I didn 't want an obituary that read like a resume - every place Rick had worked , where he went to school , etc . I wanted to show the person I married , the person I loved , and the emotion behind his life . I wanted to do what Rick would have wanted . I looked at the red book today , the one I gave him as a wedding gift over 6 years ago . I held it in my hands for a long while before opening it . And when I opened it , before I even realized what was happening , I started reading the first poem out loud . I spent the day at the beach with three friends : Sarah , Beth , and Lindy . I felt so lucky to have them with me . Stuck in PA , we went to Mauch Chunk Lake at the suggestion of my friend , Daniele . It was a beautiful day and we had a lot of laughs . It 's funny - on any other day before Rick 's death , I would have felt relaxed and at ease after hours of laughing with my friends . Now , post - death , I feel strangely accomplished and proud . I was able to laugh and enjoy things . I feel as though I achieved great success just by going to the beach for a day and laughing like a normal human . At the end of the day , instead of relaxed , I feel mentally tired , like I was at a conference presenting research or acting on stage in a play . Laughing and living life when the heart is sore takes so much energy , even when that laughing and living is real . I didn 't even realize what a feat it is to laugh and be normal for a day . Still , I wouldn 't change it . I love my friends and I need them . I would rather be accomplished in the feat of laughing while grieving than afraid to live . There were so many times today when everything felt normal , when over a decade of friendship took center stage and made me forget that Rick was dead . It 's the shock of remembering that he is gone that always feels so unbearable . He should be waiting at home . . . We 're just at the beach . . . All three of my friends are getting married in the next year . I hear them talk about their plans and smile . All three of them deserve so much love and happiness . I am so excited to share in their joy and to see their lives unfold . It is a stark contrast to my own life , though , and it couldn 't be clearer . They are starting their lives with the men they love and my life is just a blank page . If their plans cause me to think of my past - my own wedding dress , my own wedding colors , my own honeymoon - I try to turn off that part of my brain and think about the future instead . The problem with the future is that I see myself alone at their weddings . Wedding after wedding , alone . Bridesmaid or wedding guest , it doesn 't matter . I 'll be alone and thinking of Rick . . . reminded of what I had and lost . So I turn off that part of my brain too , and I stop thinking about the future . Instead , I think about the now . Just this moment . Just this hour with my friends , laughing and listening to their happiness . I can do that . I can live in the hour , chattering about plans and details with genuine interest , happiness , and excitement . I can live in the hour , remembering that I am a normal person who does not have to think about anything but the conversation that is currently taking place . I don 't have to think about my life pre - death or my life post - death . I don 't have to draw a marker down the center of the timeline that is my life . I try to put a positive spin on the hand I 've been dealt : I 'm a writer , so a blank page has always appealed to me . I can do this . I have to live in the now , because there is no other way . The vet called me personally today to see how Juice was doing and to give me Tumbler 's kidney results to see how he is fairing with his advanced kidney failure . In a nutshell , Tumbler is a miraculous cat . In April , when we found out he was dying of kidney failure , he had 2 kidney values tested . The first was creatinine and it was 6 . 6 , which is insanely high and terrible . Today , his level is 2 . 2 which is WITHIN NORMAL LIMITS because the vet said anything under 2 . 4 is fine ! The other value tested was his BUN ( blood urea nitrogen ) , which was 98 in April , and again is terrible because it should be below 38 . Today , Tumbler 's BUN level is 48 , so it 's still higher than it should be , but it 's VASTLY improved . The vet was very impressed with him . The vet did not realize that Tumbler is the most persistent cat in the world . I told Tumbler to live the dream and he did . He still has kidney failure , of course , but he has a much better prognosis now . Now we just have to get Juice feeling better . Speaking of Juice , I was supposed to head to Philly for the weekend to spend time with my friends Beth , Lindy , and Sarah . Beth lives in that area , Lindy comes from Virginia , and Sarah comes from Connecticut . Well , with Juice sick and needing medicine so often as she gets better , I had to opt out . There 's no one to give her medicine and fluids if I 'm not home . I forgot , however , that I have the best friends in the world , so Beth and Lindy are on their way to me as we speak . And tomorrow morning , Sarah will be here too . My house will be full of friends with funny stories and cats with kidney failure . Despite all the bad that permeates my life , I really am so lucky . When the vet called me about Tumbler today , I smiled so hard and fought back tears because I just knew that Rick was looking out for me and the cats . For all I know , he 's coaching Tumbler from the spirit world . Last night , I cried . For Rick . For both the cats . For myself . I held my pillow and used it to wipe my tears . I asked myself how I have been able to live these last 40 days . I asked Rick to look out for me . I told him that I didn 't want an empty house . I cried over my empty house . Today I am 39 days a widow . 39 days of weirdness , pain , discovery , adaptation , fear , loss , grief , introspection , and sorrow . 39 days without Rick . 39 days of re - remembering every morning that my life is now different . When I realized that I have been a widow for 39 days , my brain took me on a journey of numbers . I determined that I was a wife for 2 , 220 days exactly . That 's all . 2 , 220 . It sounds so insignificant in the scheme of life . Only 2 , 220 days . It turns out , that 's all 6 years and 1 month amounts to : 2 , 220 days . The number of days I was a wife will forever remain stagnant , unmoving and irreversible . 2 , 220 . But as I live and move forward in my new life , the number of days I am a widow will gain momentum , increase , and eventually surpass the number of days I was a wife . The days I am a widow will leave 2 , 220 in the dust . It startles me to realize that . And it hurts . Being left behind is never a good feeling . I 've been left behind with a memory box of a mere 2 , 220 days and a ticking day counter of widowhood . Speaking of being left behind , I took Juice to the vet again today and the vet is pretty sure that Juice has kidney failure like Tumbler . Hers is earlier stage than Tumbler 's , but kidney failure at age 4 is not a good thing . Moral of the story : my whole little family is either dead or dying . Sooner than I would like , I 'll be officially all alone . That 's not to say that Tumbler and Juice can 't live for up to another year , but that 's just 365 days . And when 2 , 220 seems unfair , 365 seems miniscule . I 'm distraught and trying to think positive . There are positives : Juice finally ate something tonight after a long stretch of nothing . Tumbler gained weight at the vet when I thought the best case scenario would be for his weight to remain stable rather than lose . He continues to persist at life , just as I told him to do . I bought a cat pheromone diffuser plug - in for my house . It 's for stressed out kitties who are dealing with transition , adjustments , or grief . The pheromones let them know they are safe and secure . The vet suspects that due to the kitties ' young age , it 's a genetic abnormality that caused them to develop kidney failure . Since they are brother and sister from the same litter , their cat mom was ill , and Tumbler already has a birth defect ( cerebella hypoplasia ) , the odds were just against them for some reason . So here we are , a household of miserable creatures . . . snuggling , crying , and inhaling the pheromones . Just a cat widow and her cats , waiting for the odds to be in our favor . I really needed Rick tonight . I got home from a work conference followed by annoying death errands to find cat throw - up all over my house . Then when I fed the cats , Juice wouldn 't eat , confirming my suspicion that it was she who was sick . I was just getting frantic when my good friend Jennifer showed up at my house for dinner as planned . We took Juice to the vet . She was acting so sad and wasn 't herself at all . She has the beginning signs of pancreatitis and some elevated kidney levels , but they think it was just because she was dehydrated . She got subcutaneous fluids and some meds . I have to give her meds for a week . She is not a happy cat . We all want Rick . The vet bill was steep and I am really worried about Juice ( she hasn 't eaten ) , but I was glad Jennifer was with me tonight if I couldn 't have Rick . We left the vet in the pouring rain , with thunder and lightning booming . Poor Juice had such a hard night . Jennifer and I got soaked . If Rick was here , he would tell me that there 's nothing to cry over , because I did exactly what I needed to do . I took the cats to the vet , I got medicine , and I 'm back home eating dinner at 9 : 45 at night . If Rick was here , he 'd give me a pep talk . If Rick was here , he 'd take care of me . Now I have to take care of myself . And I 'm perfectly capable . But sometimes I would rather throw a tantrum . Or cry . Everything seems scarier without Rick . I 'm so scared of bad things happening and not having him here to be with me . To comfort me . To hold me . To talk to me . To listen to me . Bad days seem so much worse now that he 's not here . Staying positive is easy for me , but when I go to sleep at night , I 'm still alone and I 'm still sad . I 'm still scared . The word " scared " covers so much of how I feel . There is so much unknown territory , so many challenges waiting , and so much emptiness . I want to feel happy again . I want so much to feel like my world isn 't a dark abyss of fear and loss . I know I can rise above that dark abyss , and I know that I can do it with a smile - a genuine smile . But tonight , it 's so hard . I just want my husband to touch my hair and kiss my cheek and tell me that Juice will be okay . I just want a life that doesn 't exist anymore . My mom called today from her cruise . She 's been gone since Thursday and today was the first day she was able to use her phone at a port . It has been strange not talking to her or seeing her for 5 days . They 'll be gone 5 more before they return . When she called , she said , " Guess what the name of our Captain is . " I 've been reading the envelope my mom left with me in her absence : 10 Things I Remember About Rick . . . One for each day she is away . I just retrieved today 's " thing " from the envelope . Rick really did love the sun . Every year , he would lie in the sun in our backyard as soon as April hit . If it was 65 degrees , you could find him outside in his short shorts from the 80s , soaking up the rays . I can remember so many days sitting next to him outside in the sun . Sometimes I was wearing a sweatshirt and rolling my eyes at his sun - worshiping ways . Other times , I was writing a paper for grad school , setting up shop next to him for a couple of hours . Sometimes I was in my bikini , chatting incessantly to him or reading a book . Rick could stay in the sun for hours . . . no book , no magazine . . . just him and the sun . And he loved the beach . Before we were married , we went to Florida to stay with Rick 's brother and his family . Later , we went to Seaside Heights at the Jersey Shore . On our honeymoon , we relaxed in tropical St . Lucia . After that , we went to Punta Cana , Dominican Republic . Then , we went to Ogunquit Beach in Maine . . . more than once . If there was a good view and a beach , we didn 't need anything else . When he wasn 't sunning himself , Rick was in the water . The water in Maine was about 50 degrees during the times we were there . . . and my husband was out on a raft in the middle of the sea . He swam . He dove . He came back to me on the sand with his thumbs blue and numb from the cold , but he was smiling . Now that he 's gone , he 's not in pain anymore , so I try to imagine him happy and free . I picture a smile on his face and a peaceful look in his eyes . And when I do this . . . when I imagine him happiest . . . I always seem to find myself imagining him lying in the sun . It gives me a twinge of pain to know that it 's gone . I did have a sad drive to the notary to do the title transfer . It felt weird to be driving Rick 's car . . . and more , to be driving Rick 's car for the last time . It felt weird to think that he will never drive it again . That I 'll never see it on my street again . But I also felt a new and surprising emotion : relief . After jumping through several hoops , completing paperwork , and registering the will , I have the money to pay for the funeral and some other bills . It 's done . I don 't have to see Rick 's car , parked forlornly on the street , waiting for an owner that is never coming home . I feel lighter . Less weighed down . I am only one person , and now I only have one car . I am only one person , and now I only have one set of keys . I feel freer . Relieved . When I got home tonight after selling Rick 's car , I fed the cats and immediately got in my car to run an errand . Rick 's sunglasses still mingle with mine in the dashboard tray of the car . He sometimes drove my car , so he always left a pair there . I picked them up and drove into the sun , wearing Rick 's sunglasses instead of my own . I smiled . I breathed a sigh of relief . Said a few words to Rick . Smiled again . I actually felt . . . good . So you know what I did ? There is an empty chair in my living room . Sometimes I sit in it . . . especially when I blog . . . but most of the time , it remains empty . I feel like it is mourning Rick the same way I am . Even the cats don 't sit in it unless I 'm in it . When I sit in Rick 's chair , sometimes I pretend he 's in it too . I move my body so that I only take up half of the big chair , or I lean my head to the side the way I would if I was sitting in Rick 's lap . It almost feels like the chair is holding me . I want to pat it comfortingly and say , " It will be okay . " There is an empty towel rack in his bathroom . It may have a towel for guests at times , but usually it mourns Rick too . His bathroom looks stark . It 's too clean and it 's devoid of life . No more evidence of shaving or hair combing . No more toothbrush . There used to be a painting in Rick 's bathroom . It was a painting of a ship on the sea and Rick told me it had been in his room as a child . It made me too sad to look at it , so I took it down and replaced it with something else . There is an empty spot in our bed . . . my bed . The king sized bed feels massive now . I continue to sleep on my side of the bed , even though technically the entire bed is now mine . I stay curled up on one half of it , crying , thinking , and remembering so many things . The other day I propped extra pillows on Rick 's side , just so the bed would feel less empty . Sometimes , in the dark , in the middle of the night , I reach my arm out as far as it will go to the other side of the bed , just hoping against hope that my fingers will come in contact with him . It 's silly , but I do it anyway , like my bed might just be the one magical place where reality will fade away . The decals on the back of my car which represent my family made me laugh the day I got them , but now every time I see them , I hurt inside . When is the right time to remove the Rick figure from the scene ? Why isn 't there a handbook for these things ? How long do you wait to peel the " husband " decal from a windshield ? 3 months ? 6 months ? A year ? At which point does it become ridiculous that it is still on my car ? I dread that empty spot so much . The " Rick " decal is not even at the end of the family scene . The empty spot will be obvious . Painful . In a lot of ways , it 's fitting . When I peel the decal away , the empty spot next to " me " on the back of the car will represent all my pain . My missing piece . A void . There 's a spot next to me in the chair . . . the bed . . . my life . . . and it is empty . There 's a spot in my heart that 's empty too . It feels hollow , as though I could whisper the word " Rick " and hear it echo within myself , bouncing around with nowhere to go . . . because there is no one next to me left to hear the name . Although Alicia didn 't travel all the way from Michigan to sit around while I visited Rick 's mom , she continued her good friend streak by journeying out to buy me more stamps for all my thank you cards while I spent some time with my mother - in - law . As usual , Rick 's mom and I cried together , held hands , and talked about Rick . We looked at photo albums . She kept saying , " My baby , my baby boy , " which always breaks my heart . When I hear her say those words , I get a little angry with Rick . I want to ask him if he thought of his mom before he made his last earthly decision . We went out to get manicures and pedicures . Just over one month out , my nails are still black - I 'm still in mourning . They 're going to start wondering about me at the nail salon - the young woman who comes in and gets her nails painted black every time . The nail tech said , " You want black ? " He raised his eyebrow . I offered no explanation . " Yes , black , " was all I said . I considered getting them painted a different color today . I considered being ready for that . But as I thought about the choice of color , I remembered I was woken up last night to Tumbler crying . I could hear him downstairs in the living room , crying and crying as though his heart would break . I laid in bed , listening . I thought for sure he 'd stop after a while . When he didn 't , I got nervous , so I went downstairs to make sure he was all right . He was just standing in the middle of the living room , crying . " I know just how you feel , " I said . He stopped crying when he saw me and we looked at each other in the dark . He was physically fine in every way and there was nothing amiss . I asked him if he missed Rick , then I scooped him up and took him up to bed with me . One bin is for incoming mail ; the other bin is for the outgoing . We were pretty impressed with ourselves , but I honestly have to give most of the credit to Alicia . She 's handier than Rick ever was . I have many thank you notes left to write , because the packages keep coming . Over a month since Rick died , I still open my mailbox each day to beautiful cards and thoughtful gifts . I 'm luckier than so many people . We also hung sconces alongside the wall art I bought a couple of weeks ago . My house is familiar , yet foreign , because so many empty spaces keep appearing . I 'm trying to make my house my own . I 'm trying to showcase Rick and our life together , but not pretend he still lives here with me . There are so many times a day I want to cry . I 've found that the littlest distraction is enough to keep the tears at bay : a random question from a friend , a clothing ad on Facebook , a text from my brother - in - law , the sudden noise of children playing outside , or a " hello " from a neighbor . All it takes is a split second of distraction and my mind loosens its tight grip on my eyes . My eyes don 't leak the tears . And as I said , today was full of life . I lived life today . Rick would probably hate the shelf I put on the wall , but he 'd be glad that Alicia and I had a good laugh . Rick would probably love the wall art and mirror candle sconces in the stairway , but I can almost hear him saying , " Are those green ? " . . . When I put them on the wall , I thought of his colorblindness and smiled . Rick would probably have missed me all day if he was home while I was out and about , but instead , I was missing him and he was happy that I was living life . Posted by I 'm disappointed that I can 't have the life I wanted . I 'm disappointed that I can 't spend another anniversary with Rick , another birthday , another Friday night . I 'm disappointed that I won 't be able to run home and tell him good news . . . or show up with him at someone 's wedding . . . or go on a vacation this summer . I 'm disappointed that the holidays this year will be ruined . . . that he won 't get to see my brother 's new house . . . that he won 't get to see my nieces grow up . I 'm disappointed that he won 't be able to take care of me when I 'm sick . . . or reminisce with me about how we met . I 'm so , so , so disappointed . Disappointment is such a deep emotion . It has a heaviness to it as well as an emptiness . I remember feeling it as a child . . . that first taste of extreme disappointment , how raw it felt and how unfair . Disappointment cuts deeply and the wound lies open , bleeding . Disappointment follows you around and you just can 't get away from it . He already knows , of course , because he knows everything now . . . but I always liked telling him stories . . . it 's what I miss most of all . I miss recounting my day , sharing my ambitions , discussing lessons I 've learned , and making him laugh . I miss his sarcasm and his laugh . He always threw his head back when he found himself especially funny . Why can 't I have the life I wanted ? I 'm disappointed . I will be the phoenix , rising from the ashes to begin again , but I didn 't want to be . I wanted to be a wife , a friend , partner , a support , a lover , and an easer of pain to the man I loved . I wanted to live in this house with him . . . and kiss him good morning and good night . I wanted to share dinners and watch movies . . . I wanted to laugh . . . I wanted to hold him close , every day . . . I wanted to take trips and drive around . . . I wanted to dress up and hear him say I looked nice . . . I wanted to be married for more than 6 years . I wanted to love him more than 7 . Yet one of the things I learned from Rick is acceptance . An abundance of acceptance , in fact . Accepting terrible circumstances is difficult , but it is possible . Only by acceptance will I be able to peacefully move forward and shed that shadow of disappointment that envelopes me right now . Rick would tell me that disappointment won 't serve me . There is a time and a place for it , but that time is temporary and that place will fade away . I hope that my disappointment will fade to an ache . . . and that later still , it will become a resolve . . . and perhaps later still , it will be a lesson . And maybe one day , when the lesson is learned and my life has reached a close , I can finally share the greatest story of all with my Rick . This morning , the attorney and I went to the Register of Wills at the county courthouse . We sat down across from a woman who files wills all day long . The attorney , who knew her well , slid Rick 's death certificate across the desk , pointed to a box near the bottom of the paper , and gave her a knowing look . My eyesight is good and I can read upside down . He was pointing to the box checked Suicide . My mind imagined their silent conversation , punctuated by eyebrow movements and sad smiles . " Look at this poor kid . Her husband killed himself . " I got the document I need to sell Rick 's car so I can pay the funeral bill . I watched the couple smile at each other . I felt abnormal . I needed to verify Rick 's social security number , so I pulled his leather wallet from my purse and saw his driver 's license staring back at me next to the social security card . As I looked away from my husband 's face , I heard the female half of the couple say , " We 're so excited ! " I felt abnormal . When I got home tonight , I cleaned the house . There are still thank you notes to send and bills to pay , laundry to do , and garbage to take outside . When I opened the downstairs closet to retrieve the vacuum cleaner , I noticed for the first time since Rick died that he had a shirt on the closet shelf in the " Take to the Dry Cleaner 's " pile . All of a sudden , I was ecstatic , grabbing for the dress shirt and pressing it to my face . It smelled just like him . Unlike the clean shirts in a neat row in his closet , this shirt had been sitting there , waiting , and I didn 't know . I started crying immediately , but I was happy too . It doesn 't even make sense . I felt abnormal . After my cry , I finished cleaning . I saw a small pile of scrap paper and receipts to throw away , so I picked it up . A yellow sheet of carbon copy paper caught my eye and I unfolded it . It was my copy of the Northampton Regional Emergency Medical Services patient advice form from the day Rick died . After finding his suicide note that day , I collapsed on the floor and called 911 . Then I spent the next 2 hours in an ambulance parked in front of my house , crying hysterically , having difficulty breathing , rubbing the sore spot in my chest where my heart was , and begging someone to help me . They had me on oxygen , shielded from any unpleasant views of my house and the people inside and outside . I know all this , because I watched myself vividly as though I was in a movie . I was outside myself , unable to process the trauma , pain , and situation . My memory of that day is very good , because I feel as though I viewed it on a screen . " If you feel abnormal in any way , call 911 or go to ER . " Well , I do feel abnormal . Every day . Every hour . Every minute . Of course I feel abnormal . Abnormal is my new normal right now . And unfortunately , no call to 911 or Emergency Room is going to change that . I was going to vent about how I was stood up by the attorney today at the courthouse , where we had an appointment to do estate stuff . I was upset on an already emotional morning , I was mad , and I was overwhelmed . I feel at times like everything I try to do has a snag . A setback . I get up earlier , take time from work , drive to a different city , and in the end , nothing gets done and my time gets wasted . I did call the attorney and we did talk . And we are trying again tomorrow morning . So I 'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and be thankful in my heart that he 's helping me . That 's the only thing to do . My family celebrated my mom 's birthday tonight . I felt weird being there without Rick . I don 't feel normal without him . I can smile , even laugh , and I can talk and feel and work . But I 'm not normal . Not inside . Even as I type this , it feels like he 's in the next room . Like maybe he 'll call out to me at any moment , maybe ask me a question about what to watch on TV tonight or what we should make for dinner over the weekend . So many pieces of his life are removed from my house now . Even as I say " my " house , I shudder involuntarily like I 'm cutting him out of something . But yes , so many pieces of his life are removed now . And some things remain . His golf , for example , remains on the DVR . I wasn 't able to let go . I feel like I need it there . His snack bowl , which I jokingly referred to as his " receptacle , " is still sitting on the kitchen counter . His glasses are in his desk . Why these items ? What makes them different ? Even I don 't know the answer to that . I got rid of his toiletries , his photos of me , his magazines , and his posters . The last of the miserable and pointless wishes made me remember that I had a few voicemails he 's left me on my cell phone . So I sat here in his chair , hit the " speaker " button on my iPhone and listened to Rick 's voice fill my living room once more . I realized too late that poor Tumbler would be happy / confused / disappointed by Rick 's voice . Now I feel terrible . Rick and I were not one person . We were two very separate people and I have always known my worth and identity without him . Yet part of me still feels like with every part of our life that leaves , dissolves , and dies , part of me is leaving , dissolving , and dying too . One month has already gone by . What will happen in 2 or 3 or 4 ? I 've already lost so much . . . I 'm afraid of losing more . As easy as it would be to crumble , I have to make Rick proud . And even as I type that , I hear his voice in my head : " Don 't make me proud , " he 'd say . " Make yourself proud . " I 'm smiling , because I know that by making myself proud , I 'll make him proud . So it all comes full circle . I won 't let fear hold me back . I have no choice but to move forward . So I will . I 'm going to do my best to be like the phoenix - to rise from the ashes to a new life . . . and begin again . Therefore , Juice has always understood the finality of our new life without Rick . She was anxious and sad , but she resolutely mourned atop her cat roof . Tumbler , on the other hand , ran to the front door every time someone new showed up at my house , meowing as if to say , " Is it Dad ? Is he finally back ? " My friend Lindy said , " I 'm sure Juice let Tumbler know about Rick , " and I 'm sure she did , but I don 't think Tumbler really understood . Tumbler waited for Rick to come home . He knew that something was not right , he knew that too many people were coming and going in the normally quiet house , and he missed Rick , but he didn 't understand things the way Juice did . What he did understand was that I was sad . In mid April , we found out that Tumbler had kidney failure at age 4 . We began giving him IV fluids daily at home . He was hardly eating . He was more tired than usual . We were told that Tumbler was dying . . . that he didn 't have long . Rick was the one who always gave Tumbler his subcutaneous IV . I had to learn . I had to apologize to my cat for not doing it as well as Rick . After Rick died , I also told Tumbler that he was not allowed to die any time soon , because I simply couldn 't handle it . The very next day after Rick left this world , Tumbler went back to eating a normal amount of food . He chowed down hungrily , drank thirstily , and was patient with me as I learned the IV . I kept waiting for him to become lethargic again . . . to stop eating again . . . but he didn 't . He hasn 't . He eats well every day , twice a day , and sometimes has a snack . It 's been 2 months since I was told he didn 't have long to live and 1 month ( tomorrow ) since Rick died . Tumbler persists , obedient to a fault , not dying because I told him I couldn 't deal with it . In fact , I wouldn 't be surprised if Rick had a talk with him before he took his life . Tumbler takes care of me , but he has his moments of weakness . When I came back from a night in Philadelphia shortly after Rick died , Tumbler searched the whole house , crying for Rick . I think it was because I had been away for a night and came back , so he thought maybe Rick was finally going to be back too . He is extra clingy and has searched every room of the house twice since then , crying a sad little cry . For about a week after Rick died , I kept the door to the basement stairs closed . Then one night , I braved the basement for the first time with my mom . Without getting too graphic , a crew cleaned my entire basement and it is spotless . . . but there is a rug directly over the spot where Rick died , to cover a large paint spot that would have been too hard for me to see and know the reason for the paint . It was . . . weird . I 'm used to being the support group leader . I found myself comforting someone else rather than crying my eyes out . Maybe I don 't know how to be on the other side anymore . I sat there with a rock in my stomach , just waiting for the inevitable moment when I would have to say it was my spouse who was dead . It did not feel real . I felt like I was explaining the premise of a movie or a book . As I drive home most days , I feel sad . Sometimes , to curb the urge to cry in my car , I imagine Rick waiting for me at home , sitting in his chair , watching sports . I go through the whole scenario in my mind . I walk in the front door . He turns to me with a big smile and says , " Hi , baby ! " The cats come over to greet me . " They missed you ! " Rick says . I go over to where he 's sitting and give him a kiss . " How was your day ? " he asks me . Sometimes we talk about our day . Sometimes we talk about the cats . Other times , I just climb into the chair with him and sit on his lap for a few minutes . By the time I 'm done imagining , I 'm smiling . And I pull in my driveway . The reality of an empty house in comparison to the old days I just imagined hits me like a ton of bricks , the way it always does . Sometimes I cry in my car for a few minutes before getting out . Sometimes I cry while I get my mail and let myself in the house , not caring whether the neighbors will hear me . Sometimes I make it inside the house before I cry . I just finished Rick 's golf on the DVR . I reached the end . It 's over . I blogged my way through it each night until right now . I 'm afraid to delete it . It feels final . There won 't be anything left in the DVR except my stuff . I 'm the only one who lives here now . I just keep staring at it on the screen . I could keep it . I could delete it . I watched it all . I spent these nights looking at the green and thought of my husband . I listened to the announcers in the background and remembered how Rick loved David Feherty . I smile . I cry . painful . It 's a pile of notes that Rick wrote to me from 2007 - 2014 . Rick was a masculine guy , but he was also very sensitive . He writing to me . He always took the time to let me know he was thinking of me . Often , he was already in bed for the night when I 'd finish me . He knew that I would be okay , or he would never have taken his own life . When someone asks me about Rick , about the kind of man he I spent the rest of the day with my good friend Jennifer . She made me laugh on more than one occasion and our travels found us eating frozen yogurt and trying on sunglasses . Her husband Matthew joined us for dinner , which he brought with him to my house . It feels good to be among people who know what I need and in what quantities I need it . Jennifer and Matthew both text me daily on their phones . Sometimes I have conversations with both of them at once and I imagine them sitting side by side in their home , talking to me separately . It makes me smile . I think about how Rick and I were supposed to have dinner with them on May 26th . We were looking forward to it . By the time May 26th rolled around , Rick was dead and I went alone . Sometimes I like to imagine what our dinner date would have been like if Rick had been there . It 's strange the things that go through my mind . If Rick had only been alive one more week , I might have had more great memories to add to my list . After Jennifer and Matthew left my house ( knowing and understanding how vital my blog time is to my healing process right now ) , I began to think about the ways in which Rick lives on . On a whim , I visited The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and noticed the tab labeled " News and Events . " Then , " Out of Darkness Walks . " I found myself praying as I scrolled that there would be a walk this year in my area . It won 't bring Rick back , but it felt right . I did a search for PA and there it was : Greater Lehigh Valley Walk , October 5th , 2014 . Before 2 minutes passed , I had registered myself and started a team . When asked to name my team , I typed the first thing that came to my heart : Rick Lives On . The walk is from 12 : 00pm to 3 : 00pm that Sunday . It 's less than 4 months away . It 's also the week before my birthday . Instead of sending me a card or buying me a gift this year , join my team . Walk with me to honor Rick and help me heal . If you aren 't local , be a virtual walker on my team . If that 's too much , just donate a couple bucks online . I have officially relinquished some of the responsibility of this " business " of dying , as my brother - in - law calls it , to someone else . The business end of dying is clearly not my forte . I 'm better at the blogging . I never imagined that grief itself would have impediments . Some days I feel like I 'm part of a board game : Take 1 death certificate and follow the path to Bank . Collect more documents at Bank and move forward 2 spaces to Credit Card Company . Go back 2 spaces and call Attorney . Return to Square One . You are now able to continue grieving . Other days , I feel like I 'm part of a scavenger hunt : Get ready ! Get Set ! Go ! Find the following items . . . Rick 's car title . Rick 's retirement account . Rick 's social security card . Rick 's internet passwords . Congratulations ! You have found everything but Rick . Life still sucks , but you will now be rewarded with sleep . I want my husband back . I want my life to be the way it used to be . I want to worry less , sleep more , and go more than 4 hours without crying . I want to yell at him for always cleaning something . I want to tell him to stop driving so fast . I want to go with him on Saturday mornings to visit his mom . I want to kiss him good night . I want to say good morning to him instead of waking up to horrific reality day after day . I want to make him laugh until he cries the way I always did . I wasn 't able to sell the car . The notary told me that we had to wait until 30 days after Rick 's death . The concept of time is no longer understandable for me . It feels like he 's been gone for so long , but at the same time , it feels like this is all so terribly new and raw . There seems to be a snag with everything I try to tackle . I called the funeral home and told them that I have every intention of paying the funeral bill ASAP , but that my capacity to pay is contingent upon the sale of Rick 's car . I explained the 30 day rule to them . One week from today , we can try again to transfer the car title . Then when the check clears , I can pay for Rick 's service . I find myself missing every day life . I look at the calendar and see Rick 's handwriting noting appointments or reminders . I think about what would be happening each day if Rick was still alive . Today Rick was supposed to get his hair cut . Last night , the woman who cut Rick 's hair found me on Facebook . I know her , because I used to go with Rick sometimes and wait for him . " Tomorrow would have been Rick 's appointment , " she wrote to me in a message . " I will miss him . " A postcard with Rick 's dentist appointment reminder came in the mail the other day . I asked my mom to call the office for me , because it was one less person I 'd have to tell that my husband was dead . She told me that the dentist actually answered the phone himself that day . When my mom told him about Rick , he was shocked and really sad . He talked to her for a while , extending his sympathies to me . It 's so nice to remember Rick . To hear what other people remember about Rick . Remembering is all we have now . Remembering , though , is kind of tiring . I want to so much to be able to just walk into my kitchen and see him . I want to be able to hear his voice on the other end of the phone . I want to roll over at night and push him out of the way . I want to argue with him , laugh with him , and talk to him . If he was here , I wouldn 't have to remember . So I guess what I 'm saying is I 'm tired . And I just want to throw a tantrum sometimes . Instead , I 'm going to wear Rick 's bathrobe and go to sleep . Posted by I cleaned out his car today after work . It was Rick 's , so of course it was already spotless , but I had to collect the personal items : his back pillows for pain , his glasses , and his tic - tacs . Touching his glasses made immediate tears spring to my eyes , and never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that shaking a container of tic - tacs could make me feel sad . Since I had to gather paperwork for the notary tomorrow , I also went through every file in Rick 's desk to make a pile for the attorney I 'm enlisting to help me finalize all my finances , accounts , and legal documents . Piles in place by my purse on the kitchen table , I felt more organized . I moved on to a cabinet in my living room , trying to make sure there was nothing important still left unfound . I talked to Rick as I sifted through endless papers , and I found myself saying , " I wish I could find something you left behind for ME . Why couldn 't you leave something for me besides a suicide note ? " I asked him to help me find something that would make me smile and show me he remembered me before leaving me . I was actually starting to get annoyed . Bills , papers , emails , taxes . . . isn 't there anything nice left here for me ? Finished with my sifting and gathering and organizing , I opened the small drawer in his desk where he kept things like a candle lighter , his glasses , and his passport . Underneath those items , I saw what I thought was a piece of paper , so I dug it out . It was a Hallmark greeting card , tucked in the lip of a white envelope . I flipped it over and started to cry . It was a birthday card , still unsigned . . . for me . He had bought me a birthday card already . . . and my birthday isn 't until October . I decided that I 'm going to seal it up and save it to read again on my birthday in 4 months . Thank you , Rick , for helping me find this tonight . Thank you for hearing me . Today , when the thought of washing , drying , and straightening my hair felt too tiring , I decided to get a haircut after work . I normally cut my own hair and bangs , but today I felt like having someone else do it for me . I looked up a new place that takes walk - ins . I told my mom my plans , then realized something : it 's an almost universal rule that hairdressers talk to you about your life while you 're in the chair for a haircut . " Maybe I shouldn 't go , " I texted my mom . " They always ask you about your life when you sit there . " I didn 't want to become a sad , sopping , tearful mess or answer questions about myself that would make me get emotional . So that I wouldn 't have to talk about the sad mess that is my life , I joked about making up a life to tell the hairdresser to answer any questions . " A brain surgeon with 6 adopted children " was one of the ideas I texted my mom . Who would be the wiser ? I 'd never been to this place before . . . I imagined that Rick was just waiting at home , impatient for me to get home for the night . Maybe he was making dinner or feeding the cats . He 'd probably like my new haircut , even though it 's only 2 or 3 inches shorter with trimmed bangs . I 'd tell him all about my workday when I got home . Funny stories . Annoyances . He 'd tell me about his . No one in that salon knew my husband was dead . I got to pretend for an hour and a half . I got to escape . I got to be myself again . The old me . Before death shook everything up . I 'm not having unhealthy delusions . I just wanted to escape for a while . Maybe I 'll never do it again . Maybe I 'll go back to that same salon in a couple of months and keep up the charade in a contained environment . Who knows . The fantasy dissolved as I drove home . I arrived at an empty house . The cats were waiting for me to feed them . There was no dinner waiting for me . There was no one to tell about my day . There was only my TV , some pizza , and a pile of mail for a husband who no longer lives here . I don 't have the energy to go through the mail tonight . There 's another medical bill in there - I can tell from the envelope - and a few other things that look important . But I used up all my reserves playing pretend at the salon . I 'm tired . I 'm alone . And I wish this nightmare was over . Being with other people makes me want to be alone . Being alone inside my house makes me want to be with other people . As I described myself to someone today , " I 'm a lose / lose situation . " So I do it all in moderation . I spend time with people . I spend time alone . Either way , I 'm still lonely . I need my solitude . I love my solitude . I haven 't often been the lonely type . Being with myself isn 't what 's hard . It 's the being without Rick that makes everything feel so empty . I realized two things today . The first is that it makes me really sad when people spare me their own sadness or tears or memories of Rick in an attempt to keep me from being upset . It might feel wrong to tell me that you just saw something that reminded you of Rick , because you don 't want to make me sadder . . . but I 'd really rather know . Otherwise , it feels like I 'm living with a big empty hole in my life , missing a man I spent time with every day , but everyone else is back to their normal laughter , routines , and happiness with no hole at all . It feels like I 'm the only one who misses him . Like everyone is sad only for MY sake , not because they miss Rick too . My mom told me she cried the first time she went to Wegmans , because Rick always used to have " Loretta sightings " there . Yes . Tell me . My brother stood up at the funeral and told everyone that he dreaded family Christmas gatherings now that Rick wouldn 't be there with him . Yes . Tell me . I have an empty hole in my heart . And your warm thoughts of Rick , your fond , sad , and silly memories , and especially your funny stories all fill that hole a little bit . The second thing I realized today is that I miss masculinity . I have been surrounded by wonderful people , but most of them women . I was used to Rick 's manly wit , his deep laughter , his strong arms . I was used to a masculine energy as part of my every day . There is a distinct lack of it now . I couldn 't put my finger on what felt so different - besides the obvious lack of my husband - until today . I 'm a woman , with a slew of women friends . The energy is different now . If you 're a man in my life , maybe you can tell me a joke or a funny story . Maybe you can use kind words that somehow always feel different than when a woman says them . Maybe you can send me a little strength . Maybe you can give me advice . Maybe you can be firm or stern . MaI feel like I have so much to share . . . and no one with whom to share it . That 's what 's missing . Today it is 3 weeks since Rick left this world . Last night , after keeping my grief in a box all day , I cried on my best friend 's shoulder at the beach . The positive is that if I was going to cry anyway , at least I could do it on my best friend 's shoulder . At the beach . I was around people all day - including my best friend 's future step - daughters . Her fiancé 's two little girls were an adorable distraction and I enjoyed being with them , but as the night hit , I knew I was going to cry and I knew I was going to cry hard . In a panic , I told Sarah I needed to take a shower right away , because I knew I was going to cry and I knew it wasn 't going to be pretty . I wanted to be able to cry in the shower so I didn 't freak out the kids . She took me for a walk instead . As soon as I got out into the dark , open night , I began to cry . The grief just couldn 't stay in a box . There was too much of it . We walked down the street from her house to the beach . She steered me to a bench in front of the water and we sat . My grief poured out into the night . I looked out over the water and breathed in . . . life . I 'm alive . I 'm still here . My hands move . My legs walk . My lips speak . My heart beats . I can sit on a bench on a dark June night with my best friend because I 'm alive . And Rick is not . My mind leapt out over the water , up into the sky , and I could see myself sitting there with Sarah on that bench , tears streaming down my face . Is it really me uttering the words " ever since Rick died ? " Is it really me talking about the Survivors of Suicide support group I 'm going to join ? Is it really me talking about being forced to start a new life ? It didn 't feel real . It felt like some other woman was sitting there , detailing her grief and loss . Wasn 't it just yesterday that Sarah and I were in college , talking about being each other 's maid of honors in our future weddings ? But the night kind of set the tone . . . pushed in on me . . . and reminded me that Sarah and I met in college almost 12 years ago . Time has happened . . . life has happened . . . everything is different . My marriage is over , cut short by suicide . Her marriage will begin in March . College dreams pan out one way or another . She was my Maid of Honor in 2008 , and now I 'll be her Matron of Honor in 2015 . A widow is still a Matron of Honor , even though no longer married . I know , because I googled it - one of the weird new things I do in my new life , like wearing mascara on my upper lashes only so that when I inevitably cry each day at some point , makeup won 't run down my face . That 's the best part about a best friend . You talk and talk and cry and cry , but really you 're already nodding your head to what the other person is saying before it 's all said , because it 's already known and understood . Talking isn 't a necessity ; it 's a bonus . My husband Rick committed suicide on May 18th , 2014 . I 've always been a writer , so why stop now ? The Cat Widow was born a week after Rick 's death and after a year and a half , Adventures Uncensored is what followed . View my complete profile |
" She came home blacked out from a night of partying and took a shit in the bathroom sink . She was so drunk she forgot what the toilet looked like and went for the first porcelain bowl she could find . I got to find the nice surprise the next morning . Same girl was dumped by some dude , got blacked out , locked her bedroom door and passed out … With ' Ridin ' Solo ' by Jason Derulo blasting on repeat and no way for us to get in and turn it off . We found other places to crash that night and it was still going when I came home the next day . " My roommate left our dorm for Christmas break after I did and left a half of a gallon of expired milk not in , but on our fridge . When I got back the entire room smelled like death and crusty rotten milk was adhered to our floors . He proceeded to try to clean it with bleach based toilet cleaner . " " She never , ever flushed the toilet and used to dump the used sink water over the outside plants to ' save money . ' Her idea of running the washer was letting it fill up about one quarter , taking the clothes back out and running the spin . She also had no concept that dairy was perishable , as you 'd open the kitchen cabinets to find mayo , eggs , cheese , etc . " " In college our apartment had four rooms that were individual leases . So if you moved in as a group of three you would usually just get a free extra room , occasionally you would get a random one person . We got one such girl our senior year . We were very different people , and eventually it all came to a head . She did a lot of bad little things leading up to this but to be fair she could probably say that same about us . Well she wanted to move out . But she didn 't want to pay the $ 125 fee to switch rooms if you didn 't have a legitimate reason . So she decided to make one by calling the cops on us for being drug dealers ( we weren 't ) before we got back from Thanksgiving break . So we got back and about two hours later the cops raided our home . So she didn 't have to pay a fee . She tried to get us charged with a felony to save $ 125 . " " I had a roommate my freshman year who was a senior . She got really drunk the first week of classes and came back to the room to change during which time she ate a Jolly Rancher off her desk . Two days later she has her wardrobe locked . She apparently counted her candy ( crazy in the first place ) to make sure I didn 't steal any . Since she was blackout drunk and ate one she assumed I had stolen ONE JOLLY RANCHER and then for the rest of the year thought I was a thief . We did not get along and I couldn 't convince her I didn 't steal one . " " I had broken up with my bf at the time and when I returned home one night , he was waiting for me inside ( still had a key . ) He attacked me and was punching me over and over in the head in the kitchen . My roommate ( 20 something male ) heard a commotion and came out of his room , saw the scene . . and wordlessly retreated , went back into his room and shut the door . My ex kept me captive in my room all night and continued to assault me . I literally didn 't ' escape ' until the next morning . Roommate and I never spoke of it . But I never forgot that part of the trauma . . he could have helped , he at least could have called the cops , and he did NOTHING . " Every damn day . Our gas bill was insane . we paid like 120 $ a month ( 18 years ago ) JUST for hot water . He balked every time we told him to cut back on the showers or pay more of the bill . " " He 'd just throw things away that didn 't belong to him . Sometimes it 'd be little things like a potato peeler or a baking tray , which isn 't a huge loss but it 's a pain in the arse when you 're in the middle of cooking something and realize you don 't have it any more . Other times it 'd be a tumble dryer or the cushions from the back of the sofa . We had a Henry vacuum cleaner . When it needed emptying he just got rid of the old bag without bothering to replace it , so the next time I opened it , several months ' worth of dust flew everywhere . Another time he tried to rewire its plug , connecting neutral to live and earth to neutral , because it had stopped working and he naturally assumed this must be because someone else goes around screwing with the electrical wiring . Numerous smoke alarm activations due to putting things directly on the bottom of the oven on maximum heat , or letting pots overflow while he 's nowhere around . Once melted half a plastic spatula by leaving it on top of the cooker . My room was directly above the kitchen so it 'd stink of smoke after each of these incidents . He 'd leave the toilet seat covered with piss , or the toilet stuffed full of TP or kitchen towel . Once left his daughter 's dirty nappy right in front of the toilet in such a way that you couldn 't just step around it . Again , not a fuck was given . " My first year in uni I was ' lucky ' enough to find a house share that was a five minute walk away , there was four of us sharing . Three females and a male . The guy was a slob , and expected the rest of us to clean up after him , make him food etc . Now he was bad enough but one of the women was amazingly stupid . She started running a bath , realized she hadn 't bought any bath salts so popped to the shops . Without turning off the water . Another time she was making something to eat , left hot oil on high in a pan on a gas stove and set fire to the kitchen . But the worst one was when she left the front door open to air the house , everyone was out and she knew this , and she went shopping . Everything valuable was taken and none of us could claim on insurance because ditzy thought it would be a good idea to tell the insurers she 'd left the house unsecured . " " My roommate in college had a friend who decided to live homeless for the summer in San Francisco and also had dreads ( this is important ) . Well the school year starts and they are ALWAYS AT MY APARTMENT . I would come home from class there would be the friend wrapped up in my favorite blanket drinking all my dr . Pepper . Anyway I come home one day and my roommate goes ' guess what we have ? ! ? ' She was really happy so I figured maybe they replaced my soda . She goes ' LICE ! ' " I moved in with this woman , who I could tell from the beginning was a little nut - balls , but I figured they were just innocent quirks . Plus , I was in a desperate situation , and her price was really good considering how expensive our area is . So I moved on in . • Within a few days of moving in , started talking about how she needs to go to another country to get her car , but she needs to be there for 2 months . ' But it 's Spain ! I mean , anywhere else you can just spend a week or two , but not Spain ! You need to be there at least 2 months because it 's Spain ! ' Here 's the kicker , she wanted me to pay $ 200 more for rent during those two months , and move all of my stuff to her bedroom , while she rents my room out to someone else during that time . Thankfully , she never followed through with this ridiculous idea . • I left a dish on the drying rack . When I was at work , she sent me an email about how distressing this was , and how it discouraged her from making lunch with her boyfriend that day . She copy and pasted the Florida Statute of ' tenant responsibility to maintain premises ' to back up her supposed anguish . Let me please emphasize that this was one single dish , which was the small pan I used to make eggs that morning . They had entire countertop surfaces , including an entire island in the kitchen , to make whatever the fuck they wanted , but my pan on the drying rack somehow destroyed her plans for the afternoon . • Did the same thing when I started to take out the trash . I was in a rush on the way to work . I tied up the trash bag , and forgot to take it out to the dumpster . I was running around , where 's my purse , where 's my keys , get my shoes , so my mind was somewhere else , and I simply forgot to take the bag and put it in the dumpster . A couple hours later , I realized this and ran back to the apartment and took out the trash ( work was only 2 minutes from the house ) . Later that day , hours after I took the trash out , I received an email with another Florida Statute that I had supposedly ' violated ' by tying up the bag and not bringing it to the dumpster . Once again , I had caused her distress . • She constantly went into my room . But it 's weird , because she was not taking anything . I installed cameras to see what she was doing . I still have the videos of her just walking in , looking in my closet , and leaving ; other times , she would go into my bathroom and rifle through my stuff . But the weirdest video ? I had towels hanging on a hook . There was a video where she purposefully went into my bedroom , and made a beeline for the towels , and started inspecting each and every single one of them . Looking at the tags , everything . Then she walked away from the towels , then turned around again to go back to the towels ( as if she was thinking ' wait , I forgot something ' ) . It was really , truly bizarre and I still show it to people because of how fucking weird it was . • After about a week or so of watching her go through my stuff , I broke my lease . In our state , a month - to - month lease requires a 7 day notice . I told her there was some family emergency , and I will be out by the end of the month . She started crying , and throwing a tantrum about how I didn 't give her 30 days . • The next morning , I kept my cameras on and she made a rampage through my room . She found one of the cameras ( my iPad , actually ) and flipped her shit . She went through my iPad , deleted apps , and she even went into my email account and deleted the app notifications that were sending videos to my phone ( a camera app called ' presence ' ) . She went into my Facebook account and deleted posts . She even sent iMessages from my iPad . I realized what was going on , and I used the ' Find my iPhone ' app to lock my iPad . I left a threatening message on my iPad , and she ran out the house . • I left went to the police station , where a cop helped me move out . My dad helped me later . My boss compensated me for the hours lost . • I took her to court . She wasn 't giving me back my deposit , claiming that I set the carpets on fire , kicked in the walls with ' my pointy shoes ' ( trust me , this would have hurt me more than it would have hurt the wall ) , yet she couldn 't provide any evidence of it . She got railed by the judge and she started crying , and they kept threatening to kick us both out and reschedule the court date . ' I had a whole team of people who will testify that he is a slob ! ' My father and I provided photos , and videos of me leaving the place absolutely spotless , yet somehow she makes these claims that I kept burning the carpets , that I dragged mud everywhere , that I wrote on the walls . • In court , she brought in a document that was supposed to be our ' lease . ' We didn 't have a year - long lease , but she made a whole document and even put in a date , and forged my signature on it . I showed the judge a text message from a later date , showing her saying something like ' Let 's just try this out for a month , and see how that goes , and then we 'll figure out an official lease , how does that sound ? ' The judge completely TORCHED her ass for this . " " She pretty much disappeared and went to live with her girlfriend in the next town over , leaving us to care for her cats . We are animal lovers so we obliged for a while , but we started getting sick of paying for cat litter for somebody else 's cats . Things started deteriorating and she would flip out about the electric bill , when the electric bill was actually pretty low . She was pissed that it wasn 't basically zero , because she was never there , her logic was that we should be like snow creatures and live in the cold and never turn the heat on because she wasn 't there the house didn 't need to be heated . Finally we decided we 'd had enough of this crazy bitch and found a new place . We notified her we would be moving out , and informed her that we would not be taking care of her cats after the 17th . The 17th came and went and we texted her and told her ' this is our last day . We are fully moved out . You will have to come take care of your cats now . ' She texted back ' OK . ' About a week later , she sends us a barrage of text messages flipping out on us . She had abandoned her cats for a week , and of course , they had fucking trashed the place . Who wouldn 't ? They were hungry and didn 't have anyplace to shit . So they ripped open bags of food and shat everywhere . She said she was going to sue us . I contacted my lawyer and my lawyer said ' bring it , bitch . ' She didn 't have a shred of a case . " My freshman year of college I had a roommate from Brooklyn who was intense . One night after taking acid with some of my girlfriends , I came back to try to sleep … which meant just rolling around for hours and not sleeping . She came back late and tried to sleep too . She started vomiting on our floor and throwing up out the windows . I was tripping balls and had no idea what to do ( would have helped in a sober mind state ) . Thought it was a one time thing , cause college ya know , but no it was not . Happened kinda often . She would also smoke cigarettes in our dorm just out the window . Nice girl but definitely not a good roommate . We only roomed together a semester . To her defense , I was an awkward stoner at the time who could NOT communicate well . She did help me get a drunk girl out of my bed though when I woke up with this random chick sleeping next to me . . thank you for that ! " She also liked to go into great detail about her boring dinner prep ( ' First I took the pepper out of the fridge . Then I washed the pepper . Then I used a knife and cut the pepper into long pieces . Then I cut the long pieces into short pieces ' ) and when I told her nicely that it wasn 't really my cup of tea , she told me that it was for her own benefit , not mine . " " I 've had the good fortune of having good roommates except one when I first went to university . He was a nice enough guy and generally didn 't cause any trouble . His only bad habit was masturbating a lot so the amount of times I walked in on him was just too damn high . He would also jerk off like 10 minutes after I go to bed , when I still wasn 't asleep and could hear the fap . " At first it was little things , like not picking up on signals of when you are busy or do not want to talk . Then it turned to invading my personal space . I had a movie going and was cuddling a woman on my bed , and she just walks right in and stand 's in front of the TV and goes : ' Do you know short people live longer ? ' Then the conspiracy theory 's really started up . Chem trails , secret societies , the end of the world . Eventually it got pretty aggressive and she called me and my friends ' sheeple . ' It got to the point where my friends didn 't want to come over anymore , as this lady would latch on to you and talk your ear off about crazy shit , then get unpleasant if you were not listening . The final straw was when I took a day trip the coast . I was out of cell reception for about an hour , and when I got cell service I got two voicemails . Her cat had gotten stuck in my room , when will I be home . The second , I had to break into the room to get the cat out because it was meowing . She actually went over to my neighbor 's house and told them it was life and death , and that they had to help . So my neighbor came over and cut up the door with a sawzall . Ruined the door and the door nob , came out of her deposit . I was gone maybe 4 - 5 hours total that day . That was the last straw for me . Gave an eviction notice the next day , as her lease had expired just a couple days before . The lady even thought she would get her deposit back before she moved out . Yeah , no . " Eric was ex - military . He had some stories that weren 't great , but they were believable . I have a number of friends in the military , and they all have a habit of stretching the truth , so I didn 't think much of the dishonest parts of his story . He also claimed to be a graduate of the University of Alabama Arizona . Well , after months of living together , Eric starts to piss us off with trivial bullshit . I got up one day at 4am on a Saturday and spent hours cleaning parts of the house . I did four loads of dishes , turning the train wreck of a kitchen into something mostly clean . Motherfucker ! I was up cleaning the house from 4 - 8 , and I never saw you . The dishwasher is full of clean dishes that I loaded ! So , I told him ' I 've been up since 4am , and I would like you to do some additional cleaning please . ' For some reason , the topic of ' did he really go to college ? ' came up . His Facebook says B . S . in Physics from the University of Arizona , so we use an automated fact - checking tool to see if he really got a degree . Cost us $ 20 , and within an hour we had a letter showing that he was never awarded a degree . So , just to be certain , we called the physics department dean and asked if she could confirm or deny that a student by his name was ever enrolled . She looked it up and told us that nobody by his name was ever a student in the Physics department , and the only person with his ( very unusual ) last name that was a student at the university in the past 10 years was a girl in the Drama department … . This was bad . So we shelled out a bit more cash and had his arrest record pulled in all 50 states . 49 states were clear - but in Massachusetts he had active warrants for fleeing the state after being convicted of trespassing , burglary , drug dealing and vandalism . He fled when he was still on probation and was barred from leaving the state . He had served a few years in prison , and those years directly overlapped with the years he was supposedly in the military … Our landlords were my wife 's parents , and we told them all this . They responded by inventing reasons to evict them , and then evicted them illegally … Not the proper response , but we didn 't really want to argue . Eric steps up and tells us he 's going to sue . I say ' I know about your warrants , I know you didn 't go to school , I know you 're stealing valor , and I want you out of this house . ' He went completely pale , and never said another word to us as he packed his shit up and left . " Myself , roommate , and one other person closed down the bars after a long night of drinking . Went home at 2am and thought it was a great idea to eat LSD . My roommate thought it would be funny to eat 8 hits , while myself and the other person ate 2 . It was a great time for several hours , laughing and tripping out . Well , the roommate just kept getting more crazy even after me and the other guy started to level off . He would take his clothes off and walk around butt - ass naked whilst tugging on his flaccid penis . He told us ' we were being weird ' for not wanting to be around him in the nude and playing with his dong . I was able to convince him to put his clothes on , but sure enough he would come back outside in the nude ( this happened several times ) . After a couple hours of trying to convince him not to disrobe , he starts mumbling incoherently to himself with his eyes closed , in our kitchen . We walked over to the kitchen to see if he was alright and as we approached he took a shit on the fucking floor , right there in front of us . What 's worse is he didn 't squat down to do his business , he was standing upright , in the nude , eyes closed , mumbling , and squeezed out a turd . As a result he got poop all down the back of his legs and on his butt . We ended up hosing him down in the back yard with cold water which started to sober him up . We called his brother to come pick him up . It was easily the craziest thing I 've ever experienced . Just writing this stresses me out . Bonus : went inside to clean up the turd only to notice that my dog had eaten the . whole . thing . tldr : Did acid and my roomie got naked and shit on the floor , after which my dog ate the poo . fuck . " All of us were over 21 except for one lucky as hell Freshman who somehow managed to get assigned to the apartment . Thus , alcohol was available . Parties were held . Place was trashed regularly . I ended up being the only person in the place to actually try and clean up . I eventually found myself cleaning both bathrooms , kitchen , dining / living room , and my shared bedroom ( no way would I do the other guys ' rooms ) . I was starting to really simmer with resentment . The final straw came from when , in November , I was cleaning out the fridge . I found eggs shoved in the back , expired . From June . One of our roommates had early access to the apartment and spent the summer there , and these were his . As I tried not to gag , I looked at Dirty Dish Mountain , and at the stained living room . And I just broke . No one else was home . I wrote a scathing letter telling them off , loaded my car up , and drove home ( it was the day before Thanksgiving ) . I commuted from home from then on . It meant a long drive but the money I saved , not to mention the sanity … worth it . " " I had a roommate once that was severely mentally ill but I had taken her in because she literally had nowhere to go . She wasn 't paying rent , I was trying to help her get on her feet after a bad breakup . I was listening to my stereo in the living room one day and she came out of her room , went to the stereo , turned it down , went back into her room and locked the door . I turned the stereo back up ( it wasn 't that loud to begin with ) . A few minutes later I was standing facing the window across from my desk when she came up behind me , picked me up and tried to throw me through the window ( she was quite a bit bigger than me , and I was home because I had blown my knee out at work & was still on crutches while the docs decided if I needed surgery ) . My printer was in front of the window so I ended up on top of it with her punching me in the face . She picked me up , literally around my waist and slammed me into the hardwood floor several times , messing up my bad knee more and my good knee as well , she was throwing me around like a rag doll at that point . Finally , I took both fists and punched the side of her head and ears until she dropped me . I then grabbed the phone ( this was like in 1998 so a land line ) and called my boss ( still not sure why ) and he called the police for me . They came , I was bleeding profusely from my bottom lip and nose . They asked me if I wanted to press charges , and I told them just to get her the fuck out of my house & have someone come get her stuff . They took her to a mental hospital and I never saw her again - found out a couple of years later she killed herself right after she was let out of the hospital . It still bothers me that maybe I could have helped her more than I did had I known she was mentally ill ( we weren 't like close friends , she was a friend of a friend ) , but I can honestly say she kicked my ass , and made me leery of helping people out for a long time . RIP Shelly . " " I had already committed to living with a roommate in college for a second year before she started acting up . It started simply enough - she began acting strangely with a new friend of mine I 'd invited to sit with us and a couple of my roommate 's friends . We were in the hallway 's lounge one night when she came in and asked everyone in the lounge if they agreed with her - that criminals didn 't deserve humane treatment because what they did wasn 't humane . When no one agreed with her she got angry , slammed the door behind her , and shunned everyone in that room for days . She finally started talking again when someone else that was in the room begged her to because it was contributing to their anxiety - so my roommate relented . Most infractions between then and a year later were in that vein , typical shunning then yielding when she couldn 't go without validation any longer . There reached a point when I grew tired of placating her : I wouldn 't allow her to drag me to events so she wouldn 't have to go alone anymore , I took out our recycling a little less frequently . Once she asked ' what do you do for me ? ' when all she ever did was do her laundry ( and leave it all over our floor after ) and occasionally take out her trash , while I dutifully turned off our light every night ( she 's afraid of the dark ) , and tried to keep things passably clean ( see : she never cleaned - aside from one time she vacuumed her half of the room because her boyfriend was coming over ; she also threw up in our sink , then acted like she didn 't know why there was moldy food trapped in it ) . I 'm not sure what the final straw was for her , but it all went to shit a few months before the school year ended . She stopped talking to me , and turned her attention to finding little ways to spite me . I lived in the library - coming back around 1AM to sleep and typically leaving for my early morning classes before she got up . I found leaves torn off my plants and left in my trash can . One night she called her boyfriend and talked to him until well after 2AM - he tried to end the call several times but she kept him talking until his phone actually died ( at one point she actually insisted he tell her she 's ' prettier than Beyonce ' ) . A couple days later she invited him over , he was in our room until after 2AM ( previously he 'd always left by 10PM ) because she sat on his lap to prevent him from leaving . She 'd leave the lights on and the curtain open when she left in the morning the one time a week I had class after her . When finals arrived she really had it out for me . My school email started getting bombarded with emails - she signed me up for car insurance quotes , tire quotes , house quotes , two prepaid debit cards were sent to me in the mail ( usernames for the accounts ? Bitch0 and Bitch07 - classic right ? ) . I got a total of 50 of these emails , most during finals but they went on into the summer , even one last Friday - almost a year later . One time she came back early on a weekend ( the only time I 'd spend some time in the room I was paying for ) , got into my space and cussed me out . She called me a some choice words and said ' it 's no wonder no one 's living with you next year ' because I 'm such a terrible person ( I opted to live alone this year - wonder why ) . She blamed everything on me , tried to gaslight me saying all along she 'd tried to be my friend , she 'd never said anything behind my back ( a lie - a friend she still ate with would catch me up on the goings on where I was concerned ) , how she 'd once defended me when a friend accused me of being cold or something . My only words to her were a calm ' sure ' and ' I actually think we 're both in the wrong here . ' No tears . Nothing . It was a mess . I went back to my room even later despite it being finals . One time she purposely set her alarm to wake me up after she 'd left for a final - but she was always so loud it wasn 't like I was sleeping anyway . Here 's the kicker : when I was moving out I found hummus on one of my towels , I found hummus on my comforter ( on the inside , who does that ? ? ) . I found dried salsa on another towel and my suitcase in my closet . While taking apart my bed I found crushed tortilla chips between my sheets and comforter . Who thinks of these things ? ? " Housemate was a friend of a friend . He was also the most disrespectful person that I have ever met . He would play loud music late into the night . I 'd walk down and tell him to please turn it down , and I swear to god , he would turn it back up 5 min later ! I have ears so I 'd have to do it again . Came home from work one day and ran to the bathroom because shark week had begun . To my horror , there is no toilet paper . EVEN MORE to my horror , there is one of OUR washcloths , damp , draped over the toilet paper holder . I almost cried . Turns out I wasn 't home alone . I hear a bellow of ' OH NOOOOO I AM SO SORRY ! I DIDNT MEAN TO LEAVE THAT IN THERE OMG OMG OMG ' from the basement . The girl was the most uptight , ball - busting cunt I have ever met . Dishes couldn 't be left in the sink for more than an hour without some passive aggressive group text being sent out , if anyone was in another room on the other side of the house speaking at a normal volume she would march over to tell us to shut up . We couldn 't even walk down the hall with shoes on because she deemed it us just being loud and inconsiderate . If anything was left in the communal areas that didn 't belong , she would throw it away indiscriminately ( including $ 60 worth of fabric I had bought that same day ) . Once when I was late on rent she came into my room at 7 AM to wake me up to tell me I better ask my parents for money or something ' or else . ' Keep in mind this was the first of the month , and the first time I had ever been late . One night I came back home late with my ex bf , who was wasted . I told him to be quiet specifically because I knew Shit Roommate would pitch a fit . I was able to usher him towards the stairs to my room , but he stopped in the kitchen to talk to my roommate ( he was friends with my 4 friends I lived with ) . Minutes later I hear the door to Shit Couple 's room open and both of them come bounding down the hall , Cunt leading the way with the Dopey Asshole sniveling behind her . She starts screaming and going on a tirade at how inconsiderate we all are , and my bf starts screaming back at her , calling her a bitch , etc . I 'm finally able to just get him upstairs to my room , and the next day the couple announce that they are moving out . They don 't talk to or interact with the rest of us very much at all after that . Much rejoicing is had . Cut to a month later and the Shit Hell Couple are moving out the next day . We are all hanging out in my friend 's room , including my bf . We are admittedly being kind of loud , but my bf is sober and is a very meek and quiet person when he 's not drunk . Suddenly , we hear the telltale sounds of angry footsteps ( the Shit Couple were both Very Large People ) , and Dopey Asshole barges into the room , screaming that my BF ' threatened ( girl ) ' the last time he was here ( he didn 't ) and that he told me that he wasn 't welcome here anymore ( he never did ) . I was pretty pissed and basically told him to fuck off , that he was a liar and that my bf was a friend and guest to everyone in the house . His response ? ' He 's trespassing and I 'm calling the fuckin cops . ' Cops are called , and my bf and one of my roommates leave the house and go hangout at a park we lived near before they get there . I am fucking livid at this point . the cops come and one takes a statement from me and the roommate who was in the kitchen the night of The Incident , and the other tanks to Shit Couple . After a few minutes both cops convene , tell us that the girl admitted that my bf never actually threatened her and that because he had no contact with her while there that night and that he was invited over by people who had their names on the lease that they had no cause to do anything . And so they left . Shit Couple went back to bed , my bf came back from the park , and the next day the two shittiest people I have ever known moved out . Two years ago I saw the guy on Tinder so RIP to their shitty relationship as well . " Renting from a divorced Mid 50s - 60s - year - old Eastern European woman . Met on a roommate finding site . Renting her basement / ' apartment ' in her home , with a sliding wooden door as the only barrier between my place and the rest of her house . Moved in about a month back and everything seemed fine . She was very sweet , but she seemed to like really wine , and sleeping on her couch , but that was about it . Then I noticed every night when I got home she 'd say hello and sound drunk . Not my place to judge so I let it be . A few weeks back I notice that she hasn 't been going to work . On top of that she consistently stays up until 3am or later walking around upstairs , occasionally dropping things or maybe even falling . She vomits loudly most nights she 's up this late , and I can hear it very well . Some nights this would be joined with crying followed by a phone call to someone . Sometimes even a visitor at around 4am . The next day , she 'd say hello , still sound drunk , and act as if nothing happened . It keeps me up almost every night . Finally this past week she some how had two tires blow on her car , so now has no mode of transportation . My belief is that she has been walking to the liquor store in the morning , buying wine , finishing it by the time I get home , then proceeds to find a way to start a conversation , or complain about her ex husband or nephew , tell me she 's an alcoholic and that her doctor won 't give her the ' medicine she needs ' to fix it , so she has to drink then asks me to go buy her more wine , saying she 'll stop ' soon . ' At first I had to kindly refuse , because she was a sobbing mess and I told her ' That it would make her feel worse ' even though it just didn 't feel right buying it after everything she told me . She would then get really upset and cry on her couch , feet away from where I 'm living , for hours before passing out . Now this keeps happening , and it happened again last night . She forgets that we had the conversation and that I told her I didn 't want to buy her alcohol , so I While it may not seem all that bad , living with an alcoholic is odd . I ve dealt with a parent and a sibling that had issues with alcoholism . Thi is an older woman that presents no physical danger to me . How ver alcoholics , or anyone with a substance abuse issue , are unpredictable . Bei g constantly inebriated means that they 're making all of their decisions through a shitty filter . The 're unpredictable , they can hurt themselves or others and renting a property from one is terrible , because I never want to go home because I don 't know what to expect . 3 < " My ex - roommate was a fraudster who also had weapons . He was into enough illegal shit that the FBI and NYDP raided our apartment at 5a . He jumped out the window . I was handcuffed and questioned in my pajamas . He 's now in federal prison for transporting weapons and such . I am a nerdy accountant . Never trust Craigslist , kids . " I came home after work one warm summer day and my landlord met me outside the house . He was a super nice , gentle guy , and seemed really embarrassed when he asked me ' Does Tom have any … enemies ? ' I said probably , he 's not a very good guy . I asked why and he pointed at Tom 's bedroom window . My roommates and I lived in a basement in a house in Vancouver , the rooms had little windows above ground level . Tom 's room faced the street , which faced north , and got a good amount of sun all day . Stuck to his window was a full apple pie . It had been smushed against the window and then smeared around , and then left to bake ( heh ) in the sun . I told my landlord I would take care of it , cleaned it off , and waited for Tom to get home to explain . Tom had a girlfriend named Becka ( this one 's changed ) who was awesome . Had her shit together , super sweet , and very pretty . She was an incredible girl , and Tom treated her like shit . They fought like cats and dogs , always screaming at each other for dumb stuff , then fucking the walls down , then screaming some more . After one of these fights Tom made her cupcakes as an apology , but they got in another fight and he smeared them all over her sheets . They went shopping together for new ones , and then came home and made a pie ( ? ) together . But while they were making the pie they got in a fight about the sheets , which cumulated in him throwing the pie at her clown - style as she stormed off . I guess the pie survived the throw so she jammed it onto his window . " Had a garbage roommate for a while that pretty much hit every annoyance possible ( loud music on work nights , dirty , late on rent , etc … ) . Just a general inconsiderate person , but we got on well enough and had a good time . I 'm pretty easy going , so it never really got to me . Our old roommate who had lived with use the previous year had moved out before his lease ended and had given super short notice , and thus put an ad on Craigslist to find quick potential roommates . This was mistake number 1 . We were also unprepared when checking this guy out beforehand or asking for references . ( Mistake number 2 ) Now for sake of keeping personal names out of it , we 'll call this guy Pedro . So Pedro moves in the last week of January on a Friday . We show him the room we are offering him and asks if he needs help getting set up . He says no and proceeds to go sit on the couch in the living room . My roommates and I talk with him for a bit , introduce ourselves , and invite him out for a quick drink as a nice gesture . He declines , we proceed to go out and when we come back , Pedro is passed out on our living room floor . No big deal , right ? Wrong . This would be the last time we had any verbal interaction with Pedro . The following week , Pedro remained in the same position , lying on the floor of our living room with a blanket draped over him . For reasons beyond my knowledge , Pedro 's diet consisted of Dum - Dum lollipops , Chef Boyardee , and OUR alcohol . The dude doesn 't say one word to us when we walk by him , but just continues to drink all of our liquor in the house . The worst part of this is he never threw anything away , so there were dozens of lollipop sticks that were stuck to the carpet , and beer cans stuffed under the couch . One of the most peculiar things that Pedro did , or rather he didn 't do was bathe . The smells and odors that arise from a person 's body when they don 't shower , all they drink is alcohol is truly nauseating . The majority of that afternoon was spent trying to get Pedro 's drugged ass out of the house . At first we were trying to figure out if we should just bring him to a nearby park as Pedro said he had no where else to go . Finally , we came up with the solution to bring him to a homeless shelter , We called the nearby shelter and after confirming that Pedro wasn 't a sex offender , agreed to take him . " I 'm living with one right now . So , when I move in she and her boyfriend live there , she had moved in with the boyfriend ( who already lived at the house ) a few months before I did . So , around their anniversary he leaves to go on a job for 3 weeks and when he comes back she 's a huge bitch to him and he , of course , dumps her . Then SHE stays in the house and makes him move out . Well , the day he moves out she hooks up with the guy . He 's AWFUL . I can 't even go on about how awful he is . First of all , he said he 's been trying to get into the military for a year and a half . I get that sometimes it 's difficult , but during our conversation he kept saying Army Reserves and military so I 'm not sure which one he meant . Anyway , he 's the worst , I can go into that later . She 's awful for a multitude of reasons : never does her dishes , is supposed to be the ' house maid ' ( as part of her lowered rent ) but she NEVER cleans , I 'm almost positive she steals my detergent ( planning on putting bleach in the next one to see ) , she asked one of my roommates if she could borrow MY clothes and when my roommate said she didn 't know and to ask me she took them anyway , and she and that dumbass boy have the LOUDEST sex you 've ever heard . She has to be overcompensating . Last time it happened I looked up goats screaming on youtube and let it play as loud as my computer would go . " 3 of the girls and I got along fine but then there was Katie . Katie was a bully , and pushed around one of the girls who was a little more than socially awkward . She also smelled horrific . Seriously , if she was in the room or had been in there you would come in and think / say ' What 's that smell ? ' She barely showered , stole food from us and stole clothing from one of the girls and would put the dirty , stinky clothes back on her drawer . Lucky for us though , she rarely ever slept or even came into our room . But then we started to get this awful fruit fly problem . They were everywhere , with the majority getting into our food at at least a hundred in our bathroom at any given point . It was disgusting . We tried closing the window and getting screens , didn 't work . We thought maybe they were sewer flies so we poured bleach down the drain . Didn 't work . We cleaned more , and it still didn 't work . It got so bad I called an exterminator . The exterminator shows up and it was a rare time I was alone in the room . He looked all over and said they weren 't coming from the drain and it must 've just been the window . I then begged him to please just look some more , we knew it couldn 't just be the window . So he listened and looked more , and started following some flies over by Katie 's closet . He bent down and picked up some towels and laundry and found … this thing . Under her laundry was this plastic bag filled with some unidentified object ( s ) dripping brown liquid . The flies were feeding and breeding off of this thing and apparently had been for weeks . It was so disgusting the exterminator didn 't want to touch it . It was surrounded by a gross brown stain on the floor littered with dead flies . So we cleaned it out and the stain remained . That day the 4 of us pushed all Katie 's stuff ( filled with flies ! ) out into the hallway and told our RA we were kicking her out . We never had a fly problem again ! " " When I first moved in with my fiance , there was 5 of us in a 3 bedroom apartment . My fiance and I , my fiance 's friend , and another couple . I have no problem with my fiance 's friend , he still lives with us in fact . I have every problem with the other couple . They stole my cat and dumped her somewhere because she didn 't like them . Ate peanut butter out of my grandmother 's vintage glasses and left the pb in there for weeks . Never took out the trash or did any dishes , always late on the bills ( which was $ 250 a person for rent , internet , and electricity COMBINED , I mean come on ) , practiced their cosplay contest dance routines in the living room at 3 in the morning , argued all the time , and they were completely irresponsible . One of them , let 's call him B , lost his job and didn 't tell anyone about it until the day before rent was due . He had no job for months , so he was home all day long and never even dusted . The other one ( W ) was a complete psycho . Any time they would get into an argument , W would threaten suicide . One time he drank Lysol . He would always try to start fights and I 'm like 80 % sure B ended up having battered woman syndrome by the end of it . One night all of this comes to a head , and we 're arguing in the dining room . They had stolen my cat , trashed the apartment , almost gotten us evicted several times , and my fiance and I hadn 't had a decent night 's sleep in months because of their stupid dance routine practices . We had had enough . We gave them an itemized list of 2 years worth of disagreements . Argument gets heated . Fiance calls W a little bitch ( which yeah might have been uncalled for but we were both thinking it ) . W goes nuclear . He tackled my fiance to the ground and starts trying to fistfight . W has no idea how to fistfight . W loses badly . We call the cops , cops do nothing , they moved out the next day . I haven 't spoken to either of them since . They deserve each other . " |
June 2017 To get started as a prairie homesteader in the 1870s you needed uncommon reserves of strength , sanity , courage , and luck . Trimm had the first three . Warren P . Trimm AFTER YEARS of complex legislation , Congress passed the Homestead Act in 1862 . It made legal what many Americans had felt was their birthright since earliest times - free land in the West . It was not an easy gift to receive , though , and many who tried to accept it came to see the Act as a stark proposition : " The government bets 160 acres against the filing fee that the settler can 't live on the land for five years without starving to death . " Nevertheless , tens of thousands took up the challenge . Among them was Warren P . Trimm , who in the 187Os moved his family to Kansas . All through the backbreaking business of trying to build a life on the empty prairie , he kept a diary ; years later he sat down with his son , Lee - " the first white child to be born in Township 20S " - and together they composed a narrative of his adventures . " GO WEST , young man , go West " was a challenge hard to resist by the farmers of the East . So I sold my Pennsylvania farm with its stumps and stones and stingy soil that yielded so grudgingly to the toil I had given it . My wife , Susie , and I decided to go to Kansas and take up a government claim . In April 1877 we left by train , accompanied by my twenty - two - year - old sister , Mary , and our three - year - old daughter and infant son , destination Ellinwood , Kansas . When we reached Ellinwood on April 22 , we found that our trunks and luggage had arrived two days ahead of us . We got rooms in the hotel , and after lunch the girls decided to look this strange frontier town over , while I hunted up the homestead office . When I asked the hotel clerk for directions , he said with a wave of his hand , " Right across the street . Are yuh buyin ' or homesteadin ' ? " I didn 't know what he meant , so made no reply . I told him I had come all the way from Pennsylvania to take up free land and didn 't intend buying it now that I was here . He said , " If that is your final decision , your best bet would be in the Pawnee Rock and Great Bend section , along the Arkansas River about fifteen to twenty miles west of here . " After a moment 's hesitation he said , " It 's only fair to warn you that the ten - mile limit prevails on both government and railroad land in that section , due to the fact that Dodge City has become the Cow Town of the state , from which thousands of Texas cattle are shipped daily , which makes the ten - mile limit a necessity . " I asked him , " Who owns Kansas , the railroads or the government ? " He smiled and said , " It 's about fifty - fifty . We want business , they want population , but there is such a close relation between the two that there should be no conflict of interest . It 's simply a question of homesteading or buying . If you insist on being a homesteader , I can only direct you where to go . " My wife was quick to sense my disappointment and said , " Stop worrying . Everything will turn out right . It takes courage to win a fight . " My sister chimed in with , " Don 't worry about me , I can take care of myself . " And she was right , as you will see . When I got there , I found the station agent in a jolly mood . He said , " If you want a glimpse of the early West , look out in the yard . " There was a man with a covered wagon getting breakfast over buffalo chips that he had brought for the purpose . When I asked the agent who he was , he said , " Damned if I know . He came in last night and wants to sell his team and wagon and get the hell out of Kansas . " When I saw they were a span of Morgans , I felt that this was my lucky day . After looking the horses over and finding no blemish , I began bargaining with him on the price . He wanted two hundred . I offered one hundred and fifty . When I saw he had a plow in the wagon , I included that in my offer . He refused , saying , " I can get fifteen dollars cash for it at any store in town . " I still held to my price , he still refused , until I showed him the money . Then he said , " If I ever get the dust of this desert off my hide , I 'll never be back . " We followed the old Santa Fe Trail from Ellinwood to Great Bend . On the way , my sister said , " This may be strange country to us , but this covered wagon is no stranger to the trail . " I said , " I 'm glad you mentioned that , for I don 't know yet what all I have bought . " There were dirty blankets , cooking utensils , and a cot that we could see . The temptation was very strong to pull off the trail and explore , but as it was past noon , we decided to wait until night . On the way a group of cowboys rode by and saluted us by raising their hats . I heard one of them say , " I 'll be roped and tied ! I thought the coming of the railroad did away with that prairie schooner ! " When I got there , I found that the man in charge was very friendly . He said , " My name is Thornton , ' Thor ' to my friends . " I told him frankly my position and asked him for advice . While he confirmed what the other agent had said , he did it in a way that made you feel that he wanted to be helpful . He came out and looked at my team with an appraising eye and said , " Morgans , huh ? That looks like a very good pair . " WHEN WE went back to the office , he showed me a map of Kansas and said , " Here is the Arkansas River . If you notice , it dips south for about fifty miles , where Dodge City is located , then northeast to Great Bend , where we now stand . Keep away from the Dodge City section , for there you will find bitter opposition . " Now that you asked my advice , I can only tell you what I would do , and trust you will heed it . Go directly west on this trail until you reach an old stockade known as Duncan 's Ranch . Then head north to Pawnee Creek . There you will find some very fine land to homestead . " If I had your team and wagon , I would spend some time gathering buffalo bones , for the market . They bring a good price [ as fertilizer ] at any railroad station . That would give you a chance to look over the land and pick your claim . " I asked how I could pick and file a claim . He said , " You will find surveyor 's stakes with numbers on them . Copy these numbers and bring them to me . I will tell you what to do . " When I got back to the hotel and told my wife of the interview , she suggested we rent a place in town until I had a chance to carry out his suggestions . When I asked the clerk if he knew of any house we could rent , he did not answer but went to the door and yelled , " Hi , Hank , do you want to rent your house ? " There was an inflection in his voice that fell a little short of respect . When Hank came into the room he was such a typical cowboy , in a business suit , that nothing he wore seemed to fit . When he saw our covered wagon , he said , " Another damn homesteader ! " Then , seeing my sister Mary , he said , " Pardon , please . I will get my horse , so follow me . " When he rode in sight I could not believe that this was the same man . His sombrero and riding grace lent alertness and charm to his face . As I backed my team from the hitching rail , he keenly observed every detail . Then he put his horse into a lazy lope and crossed the street ahead of us . It was done so effortlessly that one felt the horse and man were one . My sister said , " Look , there goes Pan . " THE HOUSE he showed us was very adequate , with a basement , and a room over the stable where he slept . The backyard extended from the trail to the river , where he said I could use the land for my horses . I asked his price , and he said six dollars a week or twenty by the month . I paid him a week 's rent . Then I backed the wagon up to the porch and started to unload . There were two trunks and three very heavy suitcases , plus my carpenter 's tool chest . Hank sat on his horse and watched as the girls tried to help with this back - aching work . Not once did he offer to help or even dismount . The glances the girls cast his way seemed to say , " If you are half a man , you will get off that horse and help , " which had no effect on Hank . When the unloading was done , he swung his horse into that effortless lope and was gone . I drove to the back of the house , where I could give the contents of the wagon a thorough inspection , and got a great surprise . In a long chest attached to the wagon box I found nearly every kind of tool that a homesteader would need . I was so shocked I felt like an intruder . I had not bargained for these , and it was some time before I could feel they were really mine , but I had bought the outfit , so I was the winner . There on the cot were the seller 's badly worn overalls , where he had thrown them when changing for his trip East . Hanging from the bows of the covered wagon were his cooking utensils , which we had seen before . Back of the wagon seat he had built a cupboard that held his groceries . At this point I called the girls , for I knew they would be interested . There they found , in addition to salt and pepper , remnants of coffee , lard , flour , and sugar , but no bread , so we came to the conclusion that his had been a sourdough existence and a lonely one . The fact that he was a bachelor was proven when we found a can of Durham tobacco and two discarded pipes among the groceries . Once the girls got started on their exploration , no one could stop them until they had done a thorough job . In the pocket of his discarded overalls they found a crumpled letter from a mother to her son , full of pathos and solicitation that he return to civilization at Elmira , New York . That was our first information of who he was or his destination . " The rule is , as long as a man stays mounted , he can carry his guns . " Under the cot they found a pair of badly worn shoes and socks in need of mending , which seemed to touch a hidden chord in their feminine hearts . My sister asked , " Was he good looking and smart ? " I said , " How would I know ! He at least didn 't wear a beard and was not a cripple . " He said , " Why don 't you get out of Kansas , and leave this range country to us ! " I asked , " Who do you mean by us ? " He said , " Listen , mister . I was born on a ranch , and I 'm telling you in advance , the cards are stacked against you homesteaders . You haven 't got a Chinaman 's chance to win . " When I asked why , he said , " Grasshoppers and drought are two reasons , but there are others . " When I asked what , he said , " A thousand head of cattle stampeding through your crops . " I said , " What about the law ? " He said , " Law to stop a stampede ? Our legislators aren 't that dumb . They know cattle can 't read . You clodhoppers from the East have a lot to learn about Kansas , and the West , and I for one don 't wish you luck . " THE NEXT DAY was Sunday , and I got up early to water and attend to the horses . Hank rode over to inspect my team and seemed friendly , so I made him this proposition . If he would let me plow an acre or so for a garden , I would give him half of what I raised . He straightened back in his saddle as though shocked , and said , " What , me a farmer ? Not on your life ! But if playing in the dirt makes you happy , go to it , but count me out ! " Then he surprised me by saying , " I noticed you unloaded a carpenter 's chest . If you are a carpenter , we need you here . " That afternoon the girls and I walked the short distance to the river and picked out the location of our garden . We discovered that our neighbors on either side were using their back lots for picnic dinners , and there were benches and tables along the path to the river . So we decided to spend our Sundays there as long as we stayed in Great Bend . The next day , at the crack of dawn , I was on my way to locate a claim and gather buffalo bones for the market . I followed the Santa Fe Trail to Duncan 's Ranch , then turned north as directed . Before I reached Pawnee Creek , I found so many bones I could have had a lot easily , but left them for my trip back to save hauling them both ways . When I forded the creek , I found the most beautiful prairie land I had yet seen , and the surveyor 's stakes were there as the agent had said . It was now about noon , so I ate my lunch and began loading bones for my trip home . They were so plentiful I could count at least a dozen buffalo skeletons from where I stood . As I drove along the creek I found nothing more suitable than the place where I had forded the creek the day before , so I copied the numbers on the stakes before eating my lunch . It was not yet noon , so I spent an hour looking the land over before starting back . The wagon was empty , but the bones were so plentiful I could load any time I desired . I took it very leisurely , loading only those most handy , yet I had a full load by early afternoon , while yet ten miles from home . When they were weighed in they brought $ 8 . 60 . And best of all , I had the surveyor 's numbers I could turn in to the homestead office . The next morning I decided to plow my garden . When Hank saw me , he said " Getting ready to play in the dirt ? I thought you had a better occupation as a carpenter . " I said , " It 's my sideline . Why the interest , Hank ? Are you going to restrict the size of my garden ? I only need an acre or two . " He said , " What in hell is an acre ! We measure things in miles out here . Take all you want . It 's only wasteland to me . " By six o ' clock the garden was ready for planting our table vegetables . After supper the girls and I laid out the rows and began the planting . It was a pleasure , for it eased the tension to have things growing . When I went to the homestead office the next morning , the agent said , " All these figures are in Range 23 , north of Pawnee Creek and out of my jurisdiction . You will have to file these claims with Mr . Hunter at Hays City . " I asked how far it was to Hays City . He answered that by saying , " I see you have started a garden . " I said , " Yes , but that doesn 't answer my question about Hays City . My only interest is to file a claim . " Sensing my anxiety , he said , " I think I can save you the trip by wiring Hunter to reserve the claim for you . " I asked , " How long would it take ? It 's already late to plant a crop . " He said , " If I appear to be delaying you , it 's for your good , so trust me and you will not be sorry . Mr . Hunter is as anxious as you and I to see that the homesteader gets a fair deal . Filing a claim is not what is important , but that you stay long enough to prove up on it and get your deed at the end of five years . It is only then that you become a taxpaying citizen of the state , which is our main object . " It 's rumored that you are a carpenter . If I had your team and occupation , I would consider I was master of the situation and stay right here . Don 't worry about the claim . I give you my word that Mr . Hunter will reserve it for you . All you need to worry about is , Have you the stamina to become one of us ? This is not a season 's game but for life , and we need you as much as you need us . " Now that we had decided to wait and gamble with fate , I put my work on routine by taking Monday , Wednesday , and Friday for hauling bones and the alternate days for carpenter work . I was doing very well and making many friends , so I felt I had little to worry about . When we left for Kansas , we had told our friends to send all mail to Ellinwood . It was now the middle of May and we had received no mail , so we decided to drive to Ellinwood , pick up what was there , and leave a forwarding address . There I found mail from back in April . My sister confessed that when she and Susie were visiting the town that first day , she had gone back to the post office and told the clerk to hold all mail until he heard from us . Then she said , " I think he 's cute , don 't you ? Besides , he told me he 's from Pennsylvania too . " When I told him where to forward our mail , she said , " All but mine . I will call for that personally . " I said , " How can you ? We are fifteen miles away . " My wife gave me a nudge with her elbow and said , " She likes that clerk and she will find a way . WE HAD BEEN in Kansas three weeks before we saw any rain . But when it came , it left a memory we will never forget . There was no rumbling thunder as we were used to in the East . Its lightning was a flash and explosion and seemed to skim along the ground rather than leap from the clouds , and one shrank in terror from its violence . When the rain came , it was a rushing torrent that seemed bent on the destruction of everything in its path . We took refuge in the basement away from the noise and din , where I could watch its effect on the horses . To my surprise they didn 't seem frightened . Then I knew this was nothing new to them , that it was what we could expect from any rain in Kansas . In an hour 's time the sun was shining . When we went back to the main floor , I discovered a leak at one of the windows , so I got my tools and fixed it . I felt I owed that much for the offhand favors Hank had done us . I was anxious to show my wife the claim I had chosen . So the following Sunday she prepared a picnic lunch , and we drove to the location . When we reached the vicinity of the claim , I could see that my wife was very pleased . We found a shady spot under a cottonwood tree by the creek and ate our lunch . Then we left the children with my sister while we did a little exploring . When we got back , we found that she had put the children to sleep on a blanket and was almost asleep herself . When I asked my sister if she would like to live here , she said , " The great open spaces are exclusively for men . A girl seeks civilization where her feminine graces get attention . " I asked my wife how she felt about it . She said , " Love thrives on isolation , so I have no hesitation in moving here . " I said , " You girls seem to have gone romantic . If this location is the inspiration , I am a lucky man . " When we got ready to leave , we forded the creek and drove south to the Santa Fe Trail at Duncan 's Ranch . This was a large stockade built by the government to protect wagon trains from Indian attack back in 1849 . It was built of logs set in the ground and was about twelve feet high , with no roof , and was large enough to hold twenty wagons or more with portholes breast high for small - arms fire . It fairly reeked with romance , and the girls found great delight in copying the hundreds of names they found inside , most of them cut in the logs with a knife . One read , " Joe Weller , died of arrow wound 1852 . " Others read , " Jean married Fred June 8 , 1856 [ no surname ] , " and " Baby born to Abe and Mary Wilson July 6 , 1861 . " There were also just names with no date , like Kit Carson , Jim Raider , Cody , Hickok , Fremont , and many , many others . My work became so routine that it left little to record . In June my sister brought her boyfriend to meet us . We found him very likable , well educated , and a teacher who worked in the post office between times . When she saw how well we liked him , he became a frequent guest at our Sunday dinners by the river . On November 7 , 1877 , they were married . His name was Isaac Graf f Seltzer , and he was of old Pennsylvania Dutch stock that put stress on education and thrift without show . His motto was : Don 't guess but know . When he told me there was a good opening in Ellinwood for me and the team , I did not question his judgment but got ready to leave Great Bend . First I had to see Hank and tell him we were leaving . I also felt I owed him something from the garden , but doubted that he would take it . So I put a twenty - dollar bill in an envelope marked , " Thanks for sending carpenter prospects to me . " He read it and said , " Don 't thank me , for you see you haven 't got a claim yet . " I said , " Thanks just the same , Hank . I already have my claim . You are so blinded by your conceit you are completely out of touch with reality . Better luck next time , Hank , but don 't try it on anyone from Pennsylvania . " Then , after wishing me the best of luck , he handed me an open letter addressed to Mr . Hunter , which read , " I have known Mr . Trimm for nine months and can vouch for his integrity and ability . The rest I leave to you . Signed , Thomas Thornton , U . S . Homestead Office , Great Bend , Kansas . " At the bottom he had added the P . S . , " Any favors shown this man , Bill , is a favor to your old friend Thor . " There were other reasons I wanted to move to Ellinwood besides being near my sister . It had a doctor , where Great Bend had none . Winter was coming soon , and I had to have shelter for the horses and a steady job . But most of all , Mary had become so much a part of our home that we felt lost without her , and Susie wanted to be with her during the winter . So we drove to Ellinwood to inspect the job . We found it better than we expected , thanks to my brother - in - law 's thoroughness . A man who did most of the freight hauling for the town needed an extra team to take care of his Friday and Monday rush over the Christmas season . When he saw my team , he made me this offer : he would stable the horses and furnish the hay and give me three dollars a day for the two days he needed them . I was to furnish the grain and care for the team . All the rest of the week I could use them as I pleased , and what I earned would be mine . When I asked if he knew where I could find a house , he asked , " How many children ? " Then he said , " If you are I . G . Seltzer 's brother - in - law , I have a place I can show you . It 's a sod house but comfortable . " As we drove along the Santa Fe Trail , I said , " Do you know , I am disappointed that we have seen so little of the historical glamour of Kansas . It was only two years since Ouster and his men were massacred at Little Bighorn and the Indians forced to live on reservations , yet it is never mentioned in conversation . I haven 't seen even one man wearing a six - gun in a holster since I came to Kansas , so I feel cheated . " My wife said , " Forget it . We didn 't come here for adventure . You may not know it , but you 're badly in need of a haircut before we move to a new town . " AFTER I LET HER OUT at the house and picketed the horses , I decided to walk back to the town and have it done . As I came in sight of the barbershop , I noticed that all the men on the street were ducking out of sight into the stores . Then I saw what I thought was a drunken cowboy riding down the middle of the street taking shots with either hand at whatever sign took his fancy . He was headed my way , so I kept on walking until he passed . When I got to the barbershop , I asked the barber if he had seen that drunken cowboy go past . He said , " That was no drunken cowboy . That was Texas Jack . " I asked who this Texas Jack was , that all the men in town ducked out of sight . Were they too scared to fight ? He said , " What would you do , mister , against the fastest gun in the West ? " I asked , " What about the sheriff , where is he ? " He said , " He is where he orter be , in his office reading his paper , most likely . " Then , while cutting my hair , he gave me this explanation , " Texas Jack is no stranger to this town . They know his record . No man who has drawn against him has ever lived to tell it . So by mutual agreement , every man including the sheriff keeps out of sight when he is in town . The rule is that as long as a man stays mounted he can carry his guns . Jack was just having fun . Don 't discredit our sheriff 's courage . If Jack had dismounted for one moment , the first man he would have to kill would be the sheriff . Jack knows this , and that he would never be allowed to leave town if it happened . " The next morning a neighbor whom we knew came over to say good - bye , and lent a hand in loading the harrow and plow . By noon we had bid farewell to a dozen or more who wished us well and expressed regrets that we were leaving . When we got to Ellinwood , we found our quarters rather compact but not unpleasant . Freight hauling was heavy work , but I didn 't mind for it was only two days a week . My wife was very happy there , for she and my sister had much in common discussing their husbands and doing the shopping . The winter proved to be a mild one , with no snow until after Christmas . NOW THAT WE HAD a definite date for our trip to Hays City , we could hardly wait to get started as homesteaders . My work had slackened off to a point where it became subordinate to our desire to get started , so March 1 found us ready . The cover had been put back on the wagon and all our farm implements and seed loaded , which made it rather crowded . It was a sixty - mile journey to Hays City , so we figured it would be a three - day trip . The weather had turned warm , so we cooked our meals over an open fire and slept in the wagon . When we reached Hays City on March 3 , 1878 , I went directly to the homestead office , where I met Mr . Hunter and gave him the letter that Mr . Thornton had given me . After reading it , he said , " Your claim is reserved for you . Come to the office early tomorrow and we will file it in your name . " Then he told me I could file on an extra 160 acres as a " Timber Culture Claim . " So on March 4 I filed for both as follows : Homestead , N . W . 4 , Section 25 , Township 20 , Range 23 W . Timber Claim , S . W . 4 , Township 20 S , Section 24 . I consulted with Mr . Hunter about what was most essential for a homesteader to take with him . He said , " Determination , imagination , and a willingness to forget civilization . A good gun and plenty of ammunition . But most of all , several rolls of tar paper . " So far our claim was nothing but a mathematical equation that seemed to have no relation to the claim I had chosen . I said , " If this is my original claim , I can find it without a guide . " He said , " Go ahead if you are in a hurry , but the guide will be there to show you the lines and record your possession . You are our responsibility now , and we will do everything we can to help you . " We were tired , but no day ended without family worship . That night we stayed in Hays City and got an early start . We hadn 't gone far when we were overtaken by a man on horseback who said , " I am from the homestead office and am here to record your arrival and answer any questions you may have . " About noon we came to a small stream , where I watered the horses and my wife got lunch over an open fire of buffalo chips . The man watched us closely , and when I said grace before eating , he removed his hat and held it in his hand . Then he said , " I admire a man who is loyal to his religion , whatever it may be . Personally , I am a Mormon . " Then , after congratulating my wife on her cooking , he remounted and led the way . This territory was entirely new to us , an open , rolling prairie that seemed as endless as the sea . We had no idea of where we were until we forded a large stream , which he called Willow Creek . Then things seemed familiar to me , like the memory of a dream . I said to my wife , " I have a feeling I have been here . " It wasn 't long before I sighted definite landmarks along Pawnee Creek . The guide drew alongside and said , " You people were a little seasick back there a ways . Don 't worry , that is a common reaction of Easterners on their first trip over these rolling plains . It will pass as soon as you begin to work . " My wife asked about Indian raids . He said , " I don 't think you will be bothered . The bad ones have been put on reservations since the Custer massacre at Little Bighorn two and a half years ago , and the troops at Fort Larned do an excellent job patrolling this section . " At about 4 : 00 P . M . he halted us and said , " You are on your own land , how do you like it ? This is the homestead . " Then he took some surveyor 's stakes from his saddlebags and , after studying a map , said , " This is the southwest corner of your timber claim . You are lucky , for they parallel each other , which gives you 320 acres , one half section , which means your farm will be a half - mile square . " He took time to mark the corners . Then after wishing us the best of luck , he left . As he disappeared over the first elevation , we felt little elation . My wife said , " Let 's get to work . " We had no home but the covered wagon . Our first and foremost obligation was to choose the location for our house . So I started at the stake that marked the western boundary of our homestead and drove east along the creek to the eastern border , searching every nook for a suitable location . Before I had finished I was appalled at the vastness of our possession and the work that lay ahead to make it a home . I ran the furrow straight north into the open prairie . We chose a spot about a hundred feet back from the creek . That night , after I had picketed out the horses and we had eaten our supper cooked over an open fire , we began our discussion of how large the sod house should be , the decision being mostly left up to me as I had the work to do . We settled on a house twenty by twenty - four feet . It was now evening . The children were in bed and we were very tired , but to us no day was finished without family worship . Our Bible was packed in our trunk , so we recited the Twenty - third Psalm . " The Lord is my shepherd . … He leadeth me beside the still waters … " As we were eating our dinner , my wife said , " I like this idea of an island . It 's romantic and so appropriate in this sea of grass . This will be our love domain and we will defend it against any intrusion by nature or man . " I said hurry and get the children ready , it 's a long trip . She said , " No , I 'm staying here . " I said , " You can 't stay here alone . " She said , " Why not ? I will have your guns , so don 't worry . There will be no one to molest me , but if there were I can shoot as straight as you . " I knew then that if we failed , it would not be her fault . I went first to my sister 's house . It was a surprise , but she got me a hearty lunch . Then I drove to the lumberyard for my load . It didn 't take long , as I had a list of everything I needed . MY ANXIETY for my wife and children lay heavily on my mind , so about four o ' clock in the morning I got my team and started . They seemed fresh and well rested , so we made good time , and I arrived home about noon . I found everyone safe , with no incidents to report . I turned the horses loose at once and began unloading the lumber , with each length in a separate pile , while Susie was getting dinner . Then I reported on the trip . I had brought toys and candy for the children , which kept them happy while we browsed through the magazines and read the letters I had brought from the post office at Ellinwood . The rest of the day was spent in planning the house I was to build . I used for a foundation two 2 - by 6 - inch pine planks spiked together and laid flat . That left a two - inch projection beyond the two - by four - inch studding , which after excavation would be a shelf to nail to , eighteen inches above the dirt floor , and would be the basis for built - in benches or a table . We had little furniture except what I could build from any scrap of lumber . The cot and cupboard that came with the wagon helped . IT WAS NOW the first of May , and we hadn 't seen a living soul since we came . It was at this point that we began to sense our isolation and the monotony , with no relief in sight . We sensed it in our disposition toward each other and in our work . The prairie wind never stopped blowing , urging us to finish the house and get on with the farming . Then we had an unexpected visit from the homestead agent , who congratulated us on the progress we were making . After offering some timely suggestions , he surprised us by saying , " I 've brought you some neighbors . It 's the Ditton family that has taken a claim five miles up the creek . They 're from Ohio , and I 'm sure you 'll like them . They have three sons and a daughter . " After he was gone , we could hardly wait to make their acquaintance . A few days later a boy about seventeen years old rode up and said , " I 'm Robert Ditton . We 've taken a claim near here , and my folks sent me to tell you they would like to meet you . Everything 's so strange . The homestead man said if there was anything we didn 't understand to see you . " I said , " Tell your father we 're strangers to this section too , but we 'll be over soon , maybe we can help each other . " That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship . We found that their background was similar to ours . They had sold their farm in the East to finance the trip West . In many ways we complemented each other . I was a carpenter , he was not , so our help to each other was vital and timely . Mrs . Ditton had been a nurse and was the mother of four fine children , so the relationship between her and my wife was like mother and daughter . They had several horses , and Mrs . Ditton loved to ride them , so she visited each week , which broke the monotony for the children and Susie . My wife said , " With her so close I 've lost all fear of the West . " I felt the same way ; it gave me new strength for the work ahead . Now that I had a wheelbarrow , my wife and I spent most of the time when the team was resting in laying sod . I cut and wheeled them and showed her how they should be laid . She became so efficient at it that I could hardly keep up with her . The sod was four inches thick and eight inches wide , cut in one - foot lengths , and laid without mortar , snug against the tar paper , giving insulation eight inches thick . The work went faster than we expected , as the walls were only five feet high . I spent my evening fitting window and door casings , so if the Seltzers came we could be ready to start the excavation . My greatest concern was my team . It was evident they had neither the weight nor strength to cope with plowing this tough prairie sod . I knew how to pity them , for we were all working to the limit of our strength . The corn I had planted was looking fine , and the potato patch was getting green when on the tenth of May at about 11 : 30 A . M . we saw a cloud coming across the plain very low , and which sounded like wind . I put the horses under the wagon cover where we kept our grain , and we all rushed for the house . As the cloud approached , the noise increased until we could not hear each other speak , and the light from the sun faded as though night was coming . It was the most awesome and terrifying thing we had ever seen . Then it fell , and for a while we were in almost total darkness . As the light gradually came back , and with it the realization that we were safe in the house , we felt thankful , until we looked outside . There we saw a writhing black blanket that seemed to be crawling toward us from every direction . We each grabbed a child and held it to protect it . Soon the sun came out , but the blanket kept rolling , and the stench was so appalling it left us trembling . I have no idea how long it lasted , but it seemed eternal . Then as we came to our senses and could think more clearly , we wondered about the Dittons . Thinking of them seemed to bring us to reality , and we could watch what was going on around us . Gradually the blanket lifted , and we could see the damage . Not a stalk of corn was left , nor a blade of grass ; even the leaves on the trees were gone . When I went to look after the horses , I found them in a panic . As soon as I got them outside , they wanted to run , so I tied them to the wagon and returned to the house . The horses were so agitated that I decided to take them with me . Once inside the house they quieted down , but it made us so crowded we could hardly move . When I tried to lead them out , they refused to go . Then I knew it was our protection they wanted , so I put the little girl on one of their backs and I got on the other . After a couple of hours , and with a lot of petting and coaxing , I got them outside . Then I harnessed them and hitched them to the wagon and we went over to the Dittons . By 3 : 00 we could see it clearly : a prairie fire coming our way . They had been living in two large tents , as they had no cover for their wagon . When the grasshoppers came , they put the horses in one and they lived in the other . It was late when we got there , so I drove to Thorn ton 's house . When he saw us he said , " You don 't have to tell me what happened . I 've already wired Hunter at Hays City , and he assured me you would be taken care of . What you need most right now is hay for the horses to tide over until the grass grows . " When we got back to our claim , we unloaded part of the hay and grain , and the Dittons got in their wagon for their trip home . After they were gone , I surveyed the damage we had sustained . The corn was ruined , and our garden a total loss . The potatoes looked as though they had been hit by a heavy frost , but there was life enough in them , I thought , so they would survive . They did and yielded a fair crop . About noon the next day , the agent from Hays City drove in with a load of hay and two bags of seed corn with a tag on them which said , " Compliments from Mr . Hunter . " I asked how extensive the damage had been , and he said it was a strip about fifteen miles wide and seventy long . It 's early in the season and Mr . Hunter hopes you 'll replant . I told him about the Dittons , and he said he was on his way there with the rest of the load . " You people are our charges and we don 't forget . " Our greatest worry now was drought . There had been but one rain storm since we came , and that was rather light compared with the one in Great Bend . We needed it so badly to start the grass growing that it almost became a prayer . Like most worries , this one proved groundless . In a couple of days we awoke to find a heavy bank of clouds in the West , and there was a stillness in the air as though all nature held its breath . Then came the deluge as though all the reservoirs of the heavens were turned loose . But the most frightening of all was the wall of water and debris that filled the creek . We marveled at its volume and force . A large tree with all its branches was floating crazily near our shore , so I got a rope , took off my clothes , and swam in to anchor it . After I had it safely snubbed to a big cottonwood on the shore , I called to my wife to bring me my ax and some picket rope . As soon as the tree was stable enough to stand on , I began cutting off the limbs while she stood on the shore and floated them in . We discovered that the tree was about two feet thick at the butt and would give us wood for the winter , which we needed . The rain had also given us new confidence , with the fear of drought driven from our minds . Most of the plowing was done . All it needed for replanting was sowing and harrowing , which to a farmer is a minor task . So great was our enthusiasm after the rain that I decided to plow the strip between the long furrows , uniting the two , which would give me several additional acres under cultivation . If luck is merely wise decision , as I believe , then I was both wise and lucky in that decision , for while plowing I struck the only stone I had found on my claim . I was so curious that I got my spade and dug it out . It was about four inches thick and two feet in length , dull yellow in color . I discovered one could cut it with a knife , as there was no sand or grit in it . I was no mineralogist , so I called it soapstone . What intrigued me was the possibility I could see for sculpture , and the things I could whittle out to amuse the children . After I got it to the house I started looking along the creek to see if I could find others like it , which I did . But exposure to sun and air had hardened and colored them until they looked like ordinary stone . Seeing this , I got old bags and sod and covered the piece I had found until the time I could use it , which would be in my leisure after work . But like any dreamer , I often found that my mind was toying with the possibilities under that little mound . The first thing I whittled out was a prairie dog for the girl . And crude as it was , she recognized it instantly , and called it her doggie - town doll . Which encouraged me to do more . EARLY ONE MORNING Mr . Ditton and his sons drove up with wheelbarrow and shovels in the wagon to help with the excavation . First we cut the sod into ten - foot lengths and rolled it , then the four of us carried it to the roof and laid it . We teamed up on the excavating , Ditton and his older son on one wheelbarrow , and I with the younger boy on the other . The work went so fast we could hardly clear the passage through the door for each other . About eleven o ' clock Mrs . Ditton and her little girl came . By noon she and Susie had a feast ready , while the children entertained each other in their carefree play . By six o ' clock the excavation was done . It was about June 1 when the agent from the homestead office called and said , " You will have new neighbors soon . A man by the name of Cornell has filed on a claim about seven miles up the creek . They have two children , a boy , seven , and a girl , three . I hope you like them . " Then he touched his lip and smiled , which I took to mean that Cornell was a boaster . About a week later Cornell rode up and introduced himself by saying , " I 'm your new neighbor , and I 'm here to stay . " Then he took a new Winchester rifle from his saddle holster and said , " No damn Indian or rancher can drive me out . " Then he handed me the gun and watched to see my reaction . I said , " It 's a beautiful gun all right , but it 's the man behind the gun that 's important . " The next time I saw Ditton , I asked if he had seen the new neighbor . He said , " Yes ! His name is Winchester , isn 't it ? " From that day on , Cornell was " Winchester " to us . We found he was a good neighbor as long as one stimulated his ego , otherwise he was sullen . BY THIS TIME things had become so routine there was little to report . There had been no rain since the middle of May , but the crops were growing . The ceaseless prairie wind kept blowing as though it would never stop . To break the monotony , I cut the big log into chunks and piled it on the shore . This was fun . There was no one to check my skill with an ax , so I could take it easy and relax . About July 1 we noticed a strange glow in the sky to the northwest . It seemed many miles away , so we saw no cause to worry . When morning came there was a haze where the glow had been . There seemed no hazard , so we gave it little attention . At noon it looked more threatening , and we watched it closely . By 3 : 00 P . M . we could see it clearly , a prairie fire coming our way . I had a twenty - furrow barrier between the prairie and our island , so our interest was more curiosity than fear . As a precaution I brought the horses in and tied them to the wagon . Then we watched as the fire crept slowly toward us . Suddenly the wind changed and seemed to be blowing toward the fire , and the horses became very restless , so I took them to the middle of the creek and tied them to the big log . When I got back I realized that the change in the wind was an updraft from the heat , and the only thing to do was backfire . I got a twelve - foot two - by - four , tied burlap bags on it , and poured kerosene on , and with this torch started the backfire . The heat and smoke were stifling . Then Susie called and said the roof of our house was on fire . I looked at it and saw it was just the dry grass from the sod we had put on it and was soon gone with no damage done . But to make sure I threw water on it in case there was a spark burning in the roots . When the fire reached Pawnee Creek and my backfire , it died . That evening we watched as it headed for Willow Creek and its demise . The next morning we drove to the Dittons to see how they fared . When we found them safe , we decided to drive to Ellinwood and spend the Fourth of July with the Seltzers . The next day we left early for our trip home . When we got there we found four antelope feeding on the grass in our island , which had not been burned over by the prairie fire . When they saw us they ran . My wife said , " Help yourselves . It was yours before you ever saw a man . " The next morning I got up early to see if they had done any damage to the crops . An antelope sprang to its feet and started to run . I killed it with a single shot . When I threw it across my shoulders to bring it to the house , two little fawns rose from the grass and followed . They were so wobbly on their feet I had to slow my pace . Then I knew I had killed their mother . When I got home I hung her up , but the fawns would not leave . They walked in circles beneath her as though pleading for attention . When my wife saw them , she said , " The poor little things are hungry . " Then I saw she was crying . When we tried to go near them they would shy away and return to the mother . Our little girl came out and walked over and began petting the mother , while the fawns crowded around her unafraid , as though seeking a friend . Susie said , " I have an idea . " Then she brought a dish of milk and gave it to our daughter with instructions to put her hand in the dish and then let them suck her fingers . Soon they were drinking from it , but no one else could feed them . Before the day was over , all the little girl had to do was sit near the mother , rattle the dish , and they would come . That night we let them sleep in the house , at the foot of the girl 's trundle bed . Twice my wife filled the dish and by morning it was empty . The big question was what they would do when we let them out . My wife said , " I was right once . We 'll try it again . " She got the girl to sit near the mother with a pan of milk before we opened the door to let them out , and as before it worked . They grew rapidly but never lost interest in their adopted family . Every night they slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed and would accept no other place . They were early risers and would go to the door and stamp their feet for their daily pan of milk and to be let out . They were so mischievous they had to be watched constantly or they would drive you crazy . One of their favorite tricks was to grab hold of a sheet from our daughter 's bed and run for the door . If they didn 't get tangled in it , we were seldom quick enough to catch them . They seemed to think that anything belonging to her was as much theirs as hers , particularly her slippers and dolls . They soon learned that the rattle of a dish meant food and became so clever at it that they hunted for dishes to rattle , even knocking them off the table . For exercise they took long runs on the prairie . Whenever we missed them , all we had to do was drum on a pan and they would return , to get the tidbits they enjoyed . As soon as the young antelope started eating grass as their main diet , they developed rapidly , and their hoofs became so sharp it was not safe to leave them alone with the children . After a month or so they preferred to sleep outside , and you would find them near the horses as though seeking companionship . They were not timid with women at any time , but they developed an aversion to men . Early in July the weather became unbearably hot . Even the wind that blew continuously was like a breath from a furnace and gave no relief as in the East . It was one hundred degrees in the shade , if you could find it . But Kansas being minus shade , it became torture . Work , no matter how urgent , was impossible . Then we learned what was meant by " stifling " heat . Our only diversion was in watching the heat fairies dancing over the open plain , a sight we had never seen before . In our misery we prayed that it was a sign of rain . The season had advanced to where I would need to sow my buckwheat if I was to have a crop . I could do it in a couple of days if the weather would cool . But most of all we needed rain . I CANNOT RECALL a single night we were there that the coyote did not howl his melancholy complaints to the moon , and the drought seemed to add torture to the sound . One night Susie said , " That poor devil sounds as lonesome as I feel . " Then I realized that this isolation was getting her down . When I asked her about it the next morning , she said , " Don 't worry about me , I can take it as long as you can , " then added , " I was just joking , forget it . " But her challenge revealed her longing and loneliness . After that I took her with me as often as I could on my trips to town , which she appreciated , and from then on she never complained , no matter how long or hard the trip , and she was always cheerful on our return . Shortly after the middle of July we got another rain . It was not a torrent like the other had been , but it did wonders for the crops . Best of all , it gave us confidence and hope in the future and courage to carry on . The two playful antelope were such a diversion , too , that they helped us forget our isolation . The two Dillon children , ages seven and thirteen , rode over nearly every day to play with them . Evenings and Sundays their parents came . One day while I was plowing I saw a man on horseback approaching . When he got near the house he dismounted , and as he did he fell . When he got back on his feet he held on to the saddle while he took the bridle from his horse and began beating the ground . I thought I knew what had happened , so I left my plowing and hurried to the house . When I got there , he was sitting on the dirt floor , squeezing the blood from a knife wound in the calf of his leg . Susie said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . This man has been bitten by a rattlesnake . " He gave her a smile , and said , " Never mind , I 'm all right . " Then my wife told me what he had done . When he saw he was bitten , he had taken his knife and cut the wound in two directions and asked her to get water and clean cloth for a bandage . Then he asked if we had any whiskey . When he found we had none , he said , " Iodine will do . " After the wound was cleaned and bandaged , he told me why he fell . The snake 's fangs had hit a nerve . But they had missed a blood vessel , so he would be all right . Then he inquired about the antelope . We brought them in , and after looking at them he said , " It 's really true . " Then he asked me to get his horse and bring it to the door . When I asked if he needed help he said , " No , thank you , " and left . I could see he was no stranger to Kansas or its environs . My crops were doing well , and I was waiting for September to sow my winter wheat . The weather was still hot , so I took to gathering bones at a more leisurely pace , driving out one day for a load and taking them to town the next morning . That gave me nights at home - and Susie a chance to go with me if she wished . One evening I uncovered the stone I had found , and sawed off a chunk , eight by ten inches , from which I carved a book . When it was finished , it was very realistic . When my wife saw it , she said , " Give it to me . " She took shoe polish and covered the front and back , which left the leaves yellow . To make it more convincing , I took a darning needle and scraped a crevice large enough to hold a bookmark . It looked so real that anyone could be fooled . But it didn 't have a title , so I took my knife and scraped off the polish for the letters Holy Bible . I admit it was neither original nor inspired , but I was rather proud of the workmanlike quality . From then on I discovered the artistic possibility of the stone and had a lot of fun . I was anxious to start building my barn , so I decided that it would save time to dig into the bank twenty feet and use the poles I had bought as rafters for the roof , then covering them with tar paper and sod . Seltzer had said he would come and help any time I was ready , so the last time I was in Great Bend with a load of bones , I sent him a card saying I would be ready August 12 . That night , as my wife and I lay awake and listened to the coyote howl and discussed the things we would tell them when they came , she cuddled close and said , " There 's something you don 't know . I 'm going to have another baby . " It was such a surprise I don 't know to this day whether my reaction was of fear or joy . The antelope slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed . Then she said , " I wonder when it will be Mary 's turn . She 's such a wholesome , jolly girl , she won 't be afraid , and I 'm sure she 's anxious for it to happen . " When they arrived early Friday morning after driving most of the night , we sensed that they had something they wanted to tell us . After breakfast , I . G . ( as we always called him ) and I got busy with our work . After about an hour I said , " Go ahead and tell the great secret back of that grin . " He said , " All right , I will . Mary is going to have a baby . But don 't tell her I told you . She reserved that right for herself . " When I laughed , he said , " What 's funny ! " I said , " Just this , I . G . For once I can match you . Susie is going to have a baby too . He said , " When did you find out ? " I told him , " Last night . " He said , " What a coincidence . Mary told me on our way out . " Now that we had this off our chests , the work seemed to go much faster , and by noon we had made big inroads in the excavation . When the girls called us for dinner , we were ready for a rest . I think both of us felt a little guilty at having revealed their secrets . Mary 's greeting was , " I . G . , you 've told him . " He said , " What makes you think that ? " She said , " By the smug expression on both your faces ! " Everything went well . There was little snow , and we found the sod house very warm and comfortable . The wood I had cut from the log that had floated in was more than sufficient to keep us warm . My crops were better than I expected , so we had plenty of potatoes , cornmeal , and buckwheat for pancakes , but the wheat was a disappointment due to the continuation of the drought . AT CHRISTMAS we visited the Seltzers for two days and as isual had a wonderful time . The bond between the two women grew even stronger as they planned and discussed their pregnancies and the clothes they would need . I . G . told me that a man had come to the store late in November and said , " I understand the man who has the two pet antelope is a relative of yours . If so , tell him he can get a good price for them at the zoo . " I said , " Tell him I have nothing to sell . They are pets because they know they are free . I would not betray their trust or sell their freedom for any price . " Whether or not he was the man who had been bitten by the snake , we never knew . The one thing we were sure of was that the antelope gave us diversion when it was most needed , and we felt deeply in their debt . I will never forget a day in September when a change of wind brought the tumbleweed . The horses were so scared I had to tie them in the unfinished barn . But the antelope fairly danced with joy as though someone had handed them a new toy . They ran races with the windblown weed , and when they won they danced ecstatically as though waiting for applause . We slept under the wagon ; I can 't recall being uncomfortable . As we watched them , we laughed so hard that all our worries were forgotten . From that day on we lost our fear of isolation , for being close to nature was an awakening to the fact that civilization is a violation of every law of creation . Our first snow came early in January . The wind had changed to the northwest , and it became very cold . The sky was overcast , but the first we saw of the snow was a white mass creeping along over the prairie very much like fog over a lake . I put the horses in the barn and went to the house , where Susie and I could watch . When it reached us , it seemed to be coming from the ground . There were no individual flakes , just a swirling white mass pushed along by a wind so fast it had no time or place to land . I said , " Well , that will end the drought at least . " When it was over , in about an hour , we were surprised to see how little there was on the ground . My wife said , " If that 's a Kansas snowstorm , you can excuse me ! " There was one thing that worried me . If I was to stay long enough to prove up on my claim , I had to have a heavier team to do the plowing . Our situation became our main topic of discussion , and we decided to stay . They fell in love with my team and were anxious to make a trade . When I saw that the horses would be well treated , I decided to let them go . They offered to give me $ 100 and the oxen for my team . When I hesitated , they raised it to $ 125 . We closed at $ 140 cash , plus my harnesses , for their oxen and yoke . I knew that without horses , gathering bones was impossible , and was almost glad , for now I could concentrate on farming . I planned to cultivate at least sixty acres in addition to the twenty that I had plowed the year before . If the season was favorable I would be far ahead financially . So I worked with almost feverish haste . My only worry was lack of rain . There hadn 't been any all spring except a short sleet storm in March . One evening I came in for supper and found Susie crying . I said , " What 's the matter , dear , are you in pain ? " She said , " No , it 's nothing worth mentioning . If I could only see a hill or a tree or if that wind would stop blowing , I would be all right . " The next morning she said with a smile , " I was just lonely , I guess . " When I came in for supper , she had it ready , and was happy with the prospect of rain . About an hour after supper she said , " I don 't feel too well . " I asked if I should get Mrs . Ditton . She said , " It will pass . It 's not labor pains , just a false alarm , so let it go until morning . " At eight o ' clock it was getting quite dark , and by nine o ' clock she said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . I 'm going to need her . " So I started . I could save time by going over the open prairie rather than following the creek . I was in a desperate hurry , so I took the chance . The night was so dark you couldn 't see a thing , not a star or a tree to guide you . After an hour I realized that I was totally lost . Then I tried to find my way back , but by this time I was so bewildered that I lost all sense of direction . Then I tried to circle , which only added to my confusion , mixed with a terrible feeling of guilt that somehow I had neglected the one person who loved and trusted me and that she might be dying because of it . I had stood at her side at every birth and knew how desperately she was suffering . At about five o ' clock I saw a light and headed for it . It was the Ditton place . When they heard my story they saddled a horse and Mrs . Ditton and I rode double , back to my place . We had no idea what we would find , but we feared the worst . YOU CAN hardly imagine our surprise when we opened the door , to see Susie smile and say , " Come look at your son . " When she turned the blanket down , there was a twelve - pound boy , as completely cared for as a doctor or nurse could have done . Mrs . Ditton went into action immediately . She examined the umbilical cord and found it successfully tied . Then came her examination of Susie , and the bed , which was not badly soiled . Then she said to Susie , " Don 't try to tell us now what happened , we can wait . The main thing is to get some rest . " Then she put her hand on Susie 's head and said , " You did a wonderful job . Now it 's my turn , so go to sleep and leave the rest to me . " Late that afternoon Susie told us her story . " After you left , I got everything ready for the birth , which I knew was imminent , and I knew you 'd be back soon with Mrs . Ditton . As the pains grew more frequent , I put a light in the window as a guide to hasten your coming . " When another hour passed and you still had not come , I realized that something must have happened , but I couldn 't imagine what it could be . As my pains increased , so did my worry about you . Then came the horrible realization that I had to face this thing alone . First I got scissors and thread and placed them in easy reach . By that time I could not stifle my moans , so I told the little girl to get on her cot and cover her head , and if I called to pretend not to hear , for I would be in bed . Then I got two picket ropes and tied them to the post at the foot of the bed . By this time I could stand no longer . " What happened from then on is rather vague . Except once , when I was pulling on the ropes in my greatest pain , I thought I saw you standing by the bed holding my hands as you always had before . This image stayed with me until after the head was born . With the easing of the pain I may have dropped to sleep , but if I did the cry of the baby brought me wide awake , and I instinctively knew what I had to do , and God gave me the strength to do it . The next thing that I remember was when you and Mrs . Ditton came into the room , and how glad I was to see you . THE RAIN that had looked so threatening on the night of the fourteenth veered to the southwest , and we got only a few sprinkles . While it did little for the crops , it revived our hopes , and Susie made a rapid recovery under the care of Mrs . Ditton , who came each day . My wife 's greatest worry seemed to be for Mary and the lack of news concerning her . Then on the eighteenth we got a surprise visit from I . G . , who said Mary had had a baby girl on the twelfth , and they had named her Minerva . When he saw our boy , he said , " Twin cousins ! What a coincidence ! But I beat you by three days . " When he saw how well Susie looked , he said , " I see you had good care too . " Susie said , " Yes , there 's no better nurse than Mrs . Ditton . " I took the hint and didn 't tell him of our experience . I asked him to tell me the latest prediction on the drought . He said , " I 'm sorry , but it doesn 't sound good . They are asking the farmers to make potatoes their main money crop , as they stand the best chance to survive the drought . " I had put myself in a spot where a good crop was my only salvation . That night I wrote Mr . Hunter a letter to confirm the rumor , which I . G . took to mail . April went by without rain , and I was getting desperate , when the agent from the homestead office brought the reply to my letter . It read : " Dear Mr . Trimm : I am sending this letter by messenger who can explain the contents . The reports on the drought are not as favorable as we could wish , but we are keeping in touch with the government and they promise a solution if the drought is not broken soon . " When I got in touch with the Dittons and told them what the agent had told me , he said , " To hell with it . I will go back to Ohio if it comes to that . But in the meantime I will have all the fun I can , and let the farming go . " On June 1 we got the final decision of the government on relief for the homesteader . They would grant a year 's absence from the claim providing one returned for a day during that time and filed a report of it in the homestead office . We could go back to Great Bend , return East , or do anything we chose for a year . Deep in my heart I know our Kansas venture was no failure . Again I called on Ditton for his decision , and when I found he had not decided , I made him a proposition . If he would furnish a team , and use my wagon , we would go fifty - fifty on hauling bones . It was a partnership we both enjoyed , and when he put his boys to work with his other team and wagon , he insisted on the partnership . The boys were satisfied , as it gave them extra money and a lot of fun . He and I both agreed that it was the most enjoyable and profitable experience we had had in Kansas . When I asked him about the timber claim , he said , " In this you are lucky . The government has suspended all planting of trees until after the drought , so you will get credit as though they were planted . " We both considered this very fair and vowed we would be back alter a year and give it another try . Now that we had the government leave , it was a question of what to do with it . My wife and I talked it over , pro and con , and decided we could go back to Pennsylvania for at least a visit , and if things became more favorable we could return . The more we thought about it , the greater our desire grew to see our friends in the East . The question was what to take and what to leave . With Ditton and Cornell going , as I was sure they would , that left no one within twelve miles to guard what we left . So we decided to take as much as we could to Ellinwood and sell or store it . We figured it would take three days to reach Ellinwood . We cooked our meals in the open over buffalo chips and slept wherever we preferred , in or out of the wagon . My wife and I preferred blankets on the ground under the wagon , with pillows for the nursing baby . I can 't recall that we were uncomfortable . The things that worried us most were uncertainty of the future and what to do when we got to Seltzer 's . I . G . and Mary were surprised when we told them that we were going back East for a visit . Then they filled us in on the news we had missed . One item was that my three sisters had clubbed together and bought back the farm I had sold . So we had a place waiting for us where we would be very welcome . When I told Seltzer I had decided to sell my oxen , he said , " Go over to the homestead office . I think he will buy your oxen . " At first the thought was repulsive , for I hadn 't forgotten our first meeting . I found him very cordial , and he promised to look them over . When he saw them he was greatly pleased and asked if he could also buy the wagon . Then he told me that most of the people who buy railroad land come by train and have no team . He asked my price . I said , " Make me an offer . " He said , " $ 150 . " Then I showed him the lucky plow and the took He raised his price $ 25 , and we closed the deal at $ 175 . Then he said , " That wagon is a godsend , as most of the people I sell to have no shelter until they build . " WHEN WE ARRIVED at Grand Valley , I was surprised to find it had become a booming oil town . Wages were high and work plentiful , and the home I had built was waiting for us . All my sisters asked in return was that I make a home for our mother and pay them back at my convenience . This was a pleasant arrangement for all concerned . I got a good job , and time went by so rapidly that I could hardly believe it was time to report back on my claim . When I talked it over with my wife , she said , " Do whatever you think is right . I am perfectly contented here . " When I got ready to go , I bought a ticket directly to Hays City , where I reported to Mr . Hunter . There I found that the Dittons and Cornell had left their claims , and the drought had not abated . He suggested that the agent and I ride out to the homestead , stay all night , and report back , and he would decide what there was to do . Some may say our Kansas venture was a failure , but deep in my heart I know it was not . It taught us that contentment and peace of mind are man 's greatest achievement , and that adventure is but a fleeting pleasure without value or compensation , except in the recesses of memory , to be recalled when one reviews his life and is looking for the exciting moments . In that sense our experience was a great success . |
June 2017 To get started as a prairie homesteader in the 1870s you needed uncommon reserves of strength , sanity , courage , and luck . Trimm had the first three . Warren P . Trimm AFTER YEARS of complex legislation , Congress passed the Homestead Act in 1862 . It made legal what many Americans had felt was their birthright since earliest times - free land in the West . It was not an easy gift to receive , though , and many who tried to accept it came to see the Act as a stark proposition : " The government bets 160 acres against the filing fee that the settler can 't live on the land for five years without starving to death . " Nevertheless , tens of thousands took up the challenge . Among them was Warren P . Trimm , who in the 187Os moved his family to Kansas . All through the backbreaking business of trying to build a life on the empty prairie , he kept a diary ; years later he sat down with his son , Lee - " the first white child to be born in Township 20S " - and together they composed a narrative of his adventures . " GO WEST , young man , go West " was a challenge hard to resist by the farmers of the East . So I sold my Pennsylvania farm with its stumps and stones and stingy soil that yielded so grudgingly to the toil I had given it . My wife , Susie , and I decided to go to Kansas and take up a government claim . In April 1877 we left by train , accompanied by my twenty - two - year - old sister , Mary , and our three - year - old daughter and infant son , destination Ellinwood , Kansas . When we reached Ellinwood on April 22 , we found that our trunks and luggage had arrived two days ahead of us . We got rooms in the hotel , and after lunch the girls decided to look this strange frontier town over , while I hunted up the homestead office . When I asked the hotel clerk for directions , he said with a wave of his hand , " Right across the street . Are yuh buyin ' or homesteadin ' ? " I didn 't know what he meant , so made no reply . I told him I had come all the way from Pennsylvania to take up free land and didn 't intend buying it now that I was here . He said , " If that is your final decision , your best bet would be in the Pawnee Rock and Great Bend section , along the Arkansas River about fifteen to twenty miles west of here . " After a moment 's hesitation he said , " It 's only fair to warn you that the ten - mile limit prevails on both government and railroad land in that section , due to the fact that Dodge City has become the Cow Town of the state , from which thousands of Texas cattle are shipped daily , which makes the ten - mile limit a necessity . " I asked him , " Who owns Kansas , the railroads or the government ? " He smiled and said , " It 's about fifty - fifty . We want business , they want population , but there is such a close relation between the two that there should be no conflict of interest . It 's simply a question of homesteading or buying . If you insist on being a homesteader , I can only direct you where to go . " My wife was quick to sense my disappointment and said , " Stop worrying . Everything will turn out right . It takes courage to win a fight . " My sister chimed in with , " Don 't worry about me , I can take care of myself . " And she was right , as you will see . When I got there , I found the station agent in a jolly mood . He said , " If you want a glimpse of the early West , look out in the yard . " There was a man with a covered wagon getting breakfast over buffalo chips that he had brought for the purpose . When I asked the agent who he was , he said , " Damned if I know . He came in last night and wants to sell his team and wagon and get the hell out of Kansas . " When I saw they were a span of Morgans , I felt that this was my lucky day . After looking the horses over and finding no blemish , I began bargaining with him on the price . He wanted two hundred . I offered one hundred and fifty . When I saw he had a plow in the wagon , I included that in my offer . He refused , saying , " I can get fifteen dollars cash for it at any store in town . " I still held to my price , he still refused , until I showed him the money . Then he said , " If I ever get the dust of this desert off my hide , I 'll never be back . " We followed the old Santa Fe Trail from Ellinwood to Great Bend . On the way , my sister said , " This may be strange country to us , but this covered wagon is no stranger to the trail . " I said , " I 'm glad you mentioned that , for I don 't know yet what all I have bought . " There were dirty blankets , cooking utensils , and a cot that we could see . The temptation was very strong to pull off the trail and explore , but as it was past noon , we decided to wait until night . On the way a group of cowboys rode by and saluted us by raising their hats . I heard one of them say , " I 'll be roped and tied ! I thought the coming of the railroad did away with that prairie schooner ! " When I got there , I found that the man in charge was very friendly . He said , " My name is Thornton , ' Thor ' to my friends . " I told him frankly my position and asked him for advice . While he confirmed what the other agent had said , he did it in a way that made you feel that he wanted to be helpful . He came out and looked at my team with an appraising eye and said , " Morgans , huh ? That looks like a very good pair . " WHEN WE went back to the office , he showed me a map of Kansas and said , " Here is the Arkansas River . If you notice , it dips south for about fifty miles , where Dodge City is located , then northeast to Great Bend , where we now stand . Keep away from the Dodge City section , for there you will find bitter opposition . " Now that you asked my advice , I can only tell you what I would do , and trust you will heed it . Go directly west on this trail until you reach an old stockade known as Duncan 's Ranch . Then head north to Pawnee Creek . There you will find some very fine land to homestead . " If I had your team and wagon , I would spend some time gathering buffalo bones , for the market . They bring a good price [ as fertilizer ] at any railroad station . That would give you a chance to look over the land and pick your claim . " I asked how I could pick and file a claim . He said , " You will find surveyor 's stakes with numbers on them . Copy these numbers and bring them to me . I will tell you what to do . " When I got back to the hotel and told my wife of the interview , she suggested we rent a place in town until I had a chance to carry out his suggestions . When I asked the clerk if he knew of any house we could rent , he did not answer but went to the door and yelled , " Hi , Hank , do you want to rent your house ? " There was an inflection in his voice that fell a little short of respect . When Hank came into the room he was such a typical cowboy , in a business suit , that nothing he wore seemed to fit . When he saw our covered wagon , he said , " Another damn homesteader ! " Then , seeing my sister Mary , he said , " Pardon , please . I will get my horse , so follow me . " When he rode in sight I could not believe that this was the same man . His sombrero and riding grace lent alertness and charm to his face . As I backed my team from the hitching rail , he keenly observed every detail . Then he put his horse into a lazy lope and crossed the street ahead of us . It was done so effortlessly that one felt the horse and man were one . My sister said , " Look , there goes Pan . " THE HOUSE he showed us was very adequate , with a basement , and a room over the stable where he slept . The backyard extended from the trail to the river , where he said I could use the land for my horses . I asked his price , and he said six dollars a week or twenty by the month . I paid him a week 's rent . Then I backed the wagon up to the porch and started to unload . There were two trunks and three very heavy suitcases , plus my carpenter 's tool chest . Hank sat on his horse and watched as the girls tried to help with this back - aching work . Not once did he offer to help or even dismount . The glances the girls cast his way seemed to say , " If you are half a man , you will get off that horse and help , " which had no effect on Hank . When the unloading was done , he swung his horse into that effortless lope and was gone . I drove to the back of the house , where I could give the contents of the wagon a thorough inspection , and got a great surprise . In a long chest attached to the wagon box I found nearly every kind of tool that a homesteader would need . I was so shocked I felt like an intruder . I had not bargained for these , and it was some time before I could feel they were really mine , but I had bought the outfit , so I was the winner . There on the cot were the seller 's badly worn overalls , where he had thrown them when changing for his trip East . Hanging from the bows of the covered wagon were his cooking utensils , which we had seen before . Back of the wagon seat he had built a cupboard that held his groceries . At this point I called the girls , for I knew they would be interested . There they found , in addition to salt and pepper , remnants of coffee , lard , flour , and sugar , but no bread , so we came to the conclusion that his had been a sourdough existence and a lonely one . The fact that he was a bachelor was proven when we found a can of Durham tobacco and two discarded pipes among the groceries . Once the girls got started on their exploration , no one could stop them until they had done a thorough job . In the pocket of his discarded overalls they found a crumpled letter from a mother to her son , full of pathos and solicitation that he return to civilization at Elmira , New York . That was our first information of who he was or his destination . " The rule is , as long as a man stays mounted , he can carry his guns . " Under the cot they found a pair of badly worn shoes and socks in need of mending , which seemed to touch a hidden chord in their feminine hearts . My sister asked , " Was he good looking and smart ? " I said , " How would I know ! He at least didn 't wear a beard and was not a cripple . " He said , " Why don 't you get out of Kansas , and leave this range country to us ! " I asked , " Who do you mean by us ? " He said , " Listen , mister . I was born on a ranch , and I 'm telling you in advance , the cards are stacked against you homesteaders . You haven 't got a Chinaman 's chance to win . " When I asked why , he said , " Grasshoppers and drought are two reasons , but there are others . " When I asked what , he said , " A thousand head of cattle stampeding through your crops . " I said , " What about the law ? " He said , " Law to stop a stampede ? Our legislators aren 't that dumb . They know cattle can 't read . You clodhoppers from the East have a lot to learn about Kansas , and the West , and I for one don 't wish you luck . " THE NEXT DAY was Sunday , and I got up early to water and attend to the horses . Hank rode over to inspect my team and seemed friendly , so I made him this proposition . If he would let me plow an acre or so for a garden , I would give him half of what I raised . He straightened back in his saddle as though shocked , and said , " What , me a farmer ? Not on your life ! But if playing in the dirt makes you happy , go to it , but count me out ! " Then he surprised me by saying , " I noticed you unloaded a carpenter 's chest . If you are a carpenter , we need you here . " That afternoon the girls and I walked the short distance to the river and picked out the location of our garden . We discovered that our neighbors on either side were using their back lots for picnic dinners , and there were benches and tables along the path to the river . So we decided to spend our Sundays there as long as we stayed in Great Bend . The next day , at the crack of dawn , I was on my way to locate a claim and gather buffalo bones for the market . I followed the Santa Fe Trail to Duncan 's Ranch , then turned north as directed . Before I reached Pawnee Creek , I found so many bones I could have had a lot easily , but left them for my trip back to save hauling them both ways . When I forded the creek , I found the most beautiful prairie land I had yet seen , and the surveyor 's stakes were there as the agent had said . It was now about noon , so I ate my lunch and began loading bones for my trip home . They were so plentiful I could count at least a dozen buffalo skeletons from where I stood . As I drove along the creek I found nothing more suitable than the place where I had forded the creek the day before , so I copied the numbers on the stakes before eating my lunch . It was not yet noon , so I spent an hour looking the land over before starting back . The wagon was empty , but the bones were so plentiful I could load any time I desired . I took it very leisurely , loading only those most handy , yet I had a full load by early afternoon , while yet ten miles from home . When they were weighed in they brought $ 8 . 60 . And best of all , I had the surveyor 's numbers I could turn in to the homestead office . The next morning I decided to plow my garden . When Hank saw me , he said " Getting ready to play in the dirt ? I thought you had a better occupation as a carpenter . " I said , " It 's my sideline . Why the interest , Hank ? Are you going to restrict the size of my garden ? I only need an acre or two . " He said , " What in hell is an acre ! We measure things in miles out here . Take all you want . It 's only wasteland to me . " By six o ' clock the garden was ready for planting our table vegetables . After supper the girls and I laid out the rows and began the planting . It was a pleasure , for it eased the tension to have things growing . When I went to the homestead office the next morning , the agent said , " All these figures are in Range 23 , north of Pawnee Creek and out of my jurisdiction . You will have to file these claims with Mr . Hunter at Hays City . " I asked how far it was to Hays City . He answered that by saying , " I see you have started a garden . " I said , " Yes , but that doesn 't answer my question about Hays City . My only interest is to file a claim . " Sensing my anxiety , he said , " I think I can save you the trip by wiring Hunter to reserve the claim for you . " I asked , " How long would it take ? It 's already late to plant a crop . " He said , " If I appear to be delaying you , it 's for your good , so trust me and you will not be sorry . Mr . Hunter is as anxious as you and I to see that the homesteader gets a fair deal . Filing a claim is not what is important , but that you stay long enough to prove up on it and get your deed at the end of five years . It is only then that you become a taxpaying citizen of the state , which is our main object . " It 's rumored that you are a carpenter . If I had your team and occupation , I would consider I was master of the situation and stay right here . Don 't worry about the claim . I give you my word that Mr . Hunter will reserve it for you . All you need to worry about is , Have you the stamina to become one of us ? This is not a season 's game but for life , and we need you as much as you need us . " Now that we had decided to wait and gamble with fate , I put my work on routine by taking Monday , Wednesday , and Friday for hauling bones and the alternate days for carpenter work . I was doing very well and making many friends , so I felt I had little to worry about . When we left for Kansas , we had told our friends to send all mail to Ellinwood . It was now the middle of May and we had received no mail , so we decided to drive to Ellinwood , pick up what was there , and leave a forwarding address . There I found mail from back in April . My sister confessed that when she and Susie were visiting the town that first day , she had gone back to the post office and told the clerk to hold all mail until he heard from us . Then she said , " I think he 's cute , don 't you ? Besides , he told me he 's from Pennsylvania too . " When I told him where to forward our mail , she said , " All but mine . I will call for that personally . " I said , " How can you ? We are fifteen miles away . " My wife gave me a nudge with her elbow and said , " She likes that clerk and she will find a way . WE HAD BEEN in Kansas three weeks before we saw any rain . But when it came , it left a memory we will never forget . There was no rumbling thunder as we were used to in the East . Its lightning was a flash and explosion and seemed to skim along the ground rather than leap from the clouds , and one shrank in terror from its violence . When the rain came , it was a rushing torrent that seemed bent on the destruction of everything in its path . We took refuge in the basement away from the noise and din , where I could watch its effect on the horses . To my surprise they didn 't seem frightened . Then I knew this was nothing new to them , that it was what we could expect from any rain in Kansas . In an hour 's time the sun was shining . When we went back to the main floor , I discovered a leak at one of the windows , so I got my tools and fixed it . I felt I owed that much for the offhand favors Hank had done us . I was anxious to show my wife the claim I had chosen . So the following Sunday she prepared a picnic lunch , and we drove to the location . When we reached the vicinity of the claim , I could see that my wife was very pleased . We found a shady spot under a cottonwood tree by the creek and ate our lunch . Then we left the children with my sister while we did a little exploring . When we got back , we found that she had put the children to sleep on a blanket and was almost asleep herself . When I asked my sister if she would like to live here , she said , " The great open spaces are exclusively for men . A girl seeks civilization where her feminine graces get attention . " I asked my wife how she felt about it . She said , " Love thrives on isolation , so I have no hesitation in moving here . " I said , " You girls seem to have gone romantic . If this location is the inspiration , I am a lucky man . " When we got ready to leave , we forded the creek and drove south to the Santa Fe Trail at Duncan 's Ranch . This was a large stockade built by the government to protect wagon trains from Indian attack back in 1849 . It was built of logs set in the ground and was about twelve feet high , with no roof , and was large enough to hold twenty wagons or more with portholes breast high for small - arms fire . It fairly reeked with romance , and the girls found great delight in copying the hundreds of names they found inside , most of them cut in the logs with a knife . One read , " Joe Weller , died of arrow wound 1852 . " Others read , " Jean married Fred June 8 , 1856 [ no surname ] , " and " Baby born to Abe and Mary Wilson July 6 , 1861 . " There were also just names with no date , like Kit Carson , Jim Raider , Cody , Hickok , Fremont , and many , many others . My work became so routine that it left little to record . In June my sister brought her boyfriend to meet us . We found him very likable , well educated , and a teacher who worked in the post office between times . When she saw how well we liked him , he became a frequent guest at our Sunday dinners by the river . On November 7 , 1877 , they were married . His name was Isaac Graf f Seltzer , and he was of old Pennsylvania Dutch stock that put stress on education and thrift without show . His motto was : Don 't guess but know . When he told me there was a good opening in Ellinwood for me and the team , I did not question his judgment but got ready to leave Great Bend . First I had to see Hank and tell him we were leaving . I also felt I owed him something from the garden , but doubted that he would take it . So I put a twenty - dollar bill in an envelope marked , " Thanks for sending carpenter prospects to me . " He read it and said , " Don 't thank me , for you see you haven 't got a claim yet . " I said , " Thanks just the same , Hank . I already have my claim . You are so blinded by your conceit you are completely out of touch with reality . Better luck next time , Hank , but don 't try it on anyone from Pennsylvania . " Then , after wishing me the best of luck , he handed me an open letter addressed to Mr . Hunter , which read , " I have known Mr . Trimm for nine months and can vouch for his integrity and ability . The rest I leave to you . Signed , Thomas Thornton , U . S . Homestead Office , Great Bend , Kansas . " At the bottom he had added the P . S . , " Any favors shown this man , Bill , is a favor to your old friend Thor . " There were other reasons I wanted to move to Ellinwood besides being near my sister . It had a doctor , where Great Bend had none . Winter was coming soon , and I had to have shelter for the horses and a steady job . But most of all , Mary had become so much a part of our home that we felt lost without her , and Susie wanted to be with her during the winter . So we drove to Ellinwood to inspect the job . We found it better than we expected , thanks to my brother - in - law 's thoroughness . A man who did most of the freight hauling for the town needed an extra team to take care of his Friday and Monday rush over the Christmas season . When he saw my team , he made me this offer : he would stable the horses and furnish the hay and give me three dollars a day for the two days he needed them . I was to furnish the grain and care for the team . All the rest of the week I could use them as I pleased , and what I earned would be mine . When I asked if he knew where I could find a house , he asked , " How many children ? " Then he said , " If you are I . G . Seltzer 's brother - in - law , I have a place I can show you . It 's a sod house but comfortable . " As we drove along the Santa Fe Trail , I said , " Do you know , I am disappointed that we have seen so little of the historical glamour of Kansas . It was only two years since Ouster and his men were massacred at Little Bighorn and the Indians forced to live on reservations , yet it is never mentioned in conversation . I haven 't seen even one man wearing a six - gun in a holster since I came to Kansas , so I feel cheated . " My wife said , " Forget it . We didn 't come here for adventure . You may not know it , but you 're badly in need of a haircut before we move to a new town . " AFTER I LET HER OUT at the house and picketed the horses , I decided to walk back to the town and have it done . As I came in sight of the barbershop , I noticed that all the men on the street were ducking out of sight into the stores . Then I saw what I thought was a drunken cowboy riding down the middle of the street taking shots with either hand at whatever sign took his fancy . He was headed my way , so I kept on walking until he passed . When I got to the barbershop , I asked the barber if he had seen that drunken cowboy go past . He said , " That was no drunken cowboy . That was Texas Jack . " I asked who this Texas Jack was , that all the men in town ducked out of sight . Were they too scared to fight ? He said , " What would you do , mister , against the fastest gun in the West ? " I asked , " What about the sheriff , where is he ? " He said , " He is where he orter be , in his office reading his paper , most likely . " Then , while cutting my hair , he gave me this explanation , " Texas Jack is no stranger to this town . They know his record . No man who has drawn against him has ever lived to tell it . So by mutual agreement , every man including the sheriff keeps out of sight when he is in town . The rule is that as long as a man stays mounted he can carry his guns . Jack was just having fun . Don 't discredit our sheriff 's courage . If Jack had dismounted for one moment , the first man he would have to kill would be the sheriff . Jack knows this , and that he would never be allowed to leave town if it happened . " The next morning a neighbor whom we knew came over to say good - bye , and lent a hand in loading the harrow and plow . By noon we had bid farewell to a dozen or more who wished us well and expressed regrets that we were leaving . When we got to Ellinwood , we found our quarters rather compact but not unpleasant . Freight hauling was heavy work , but I didn 't mind for it was only two days a week . My wife was very happy there , for she and my sister had much in common discussing their husbands and doing the shopping . The winter proved to be a mild one , with no snow until after Christmas . NOW THAT WE HAD a definite date for our trip to Hays City , we could hardly wait to get started as homesteaders . My work had slackened off to a point where it became subordinate to our desire to get started , so March 1 found us ready . The cover had been put back on the wagon and all our farm implements and seed loaded , which made it rather crowded . It was a sixty - mile journey to Hays City , so we figured it would be a three - day trip . The weather had turned warm , so we cooked our meals over an open fire and slept in the wagon . When we reached Hays City on March 3 , 1878 , I went directly to the homestead office , where I met Mr . Hunter and gave him the letter that Mr . Thornton had given me . After reading it , he said , " Your claim is reserved for you . Come to the office early tomorrow and we will file it in your name . " Then he told me I could file on an extra 160 acres as a " Timber Culture Claim . " So on March 4 I filed for both as follows : Homestead , N . W . 4 , Section 25 , Township 20 , Range 23 W . Timber Claim , S . W . 4 , Township 20 S , Section 24 . I consulted with Mr . Hunter about what was most essential for a homesteader to take with him . He said , " Determination , imagination , and a willingness to forget civilization . A good gun and plenty of ammunition . But most of all , several rolls of tar paper . " So far our claim was nothing but a mathematical equation that seemed to have no relation to the claim I had chosen . I said , " If this is my original claim , I can find it without a guide . " He said , " Go ahead if you are in a hurry , but the guide will be there to show you the lines and record your possession . You are our responsibility now , and we will do everything we can to help you . " We were tired , but no day ended without family worship . That night we stayed in Hays City and got an early start . We hadn 't gone far when we were overtaken by a man on horseback who said , " I am from the homestead office and am here to record your arrival and answer any questions you may have . " About noon we came to a small stream , where I watered the horses and my wife got lunch over an open fire of buffalo chips . The man watched us closely , and when I said grace before eating , he removed his hat and held it in his hand . Then he said , " I admire a man who is loyal to his religion , whatever it may be . Personally , I am a Mormon . " Then , after congratulating my wife on her cooking , he remounted and led the way . This territory was entirely new to us , an open , rolling prairie that seemed as endless as the sea . We had no idea of where we were until we forded a large stream , which he called Willow Creek . Then things seemed familiar to me , like the memory of a dream . I said to my wife , " I have a feeling I have been here . " It wasn 't long before I sighted definite landmarks along Pawnee Creek . The guide drew alongside and said , " You people were a little seasick back there a ways . Don 't worry , that is a common reaction of Easterners on their first trip over these rolling plains . It will pass as soon as you begin to work . " My wife asked about Indian raids . He said , " I don 't think you will be bothered . The bad ones have been put on reservations since the Custer massacre at Little Bighorn two and a half years ago , and the troops at Fort Larned do an excellent job patrolling this section . " At about 4 : 00 P . M . he halted us and said , " You are on your own land , how do you like it ? This is the homestead . " Then he took some surveyor 's stakes from his saddlebags and , after studying a map , said , " This is the southwest corner of your timber claim . You are lucky , for they parallel each other , which gives you 320 acres , one half section , which means your farm will be a half - mile square . " He took time to mark the corners . Then after wishing us the best of luck , he left . As he disappeared over the first elevation , we felt little elation . My wife said , " Let 's get to work . " We had no home but the covered wagon . Our first and foremost obligation was to choose the location for our house . So I started at the stake that marked the western boundary of our homestead and drove east along the creek to the eastern border , searching every nook for a suitable location . Before I had finished I was appalled at the vastness of our possession and the work that lay ahead to make it a home . I ran the furrow straight north into the open prairie . We chose a spot about a hundred feet back from the creek . That night , after I had picketed out the horses and we had eaten our supper cooked over an open fire , we began our discussion of how large the sod house should be , the decision being mostly left up to me as I had the work to do . We settled on a house twenty by twenty - four feet . It was now evening . The children were in bed and we were very tired , but to us no day was finished without family worship . Our Bible was packed in our trunk , so we recited the Twenty - third Psalm . " The Lord is my shepherd . … He leadeth me beside the still waters … " As we were eating our dinner , my wife said , " I like this idea of an island . It 's romantic and so appropriate in this sea of grass . This will be our love domain and we will defend it against any intrusion by nature or man . " I said hurry and get the children ready , it 's a long trip . She said , " No , I 'm staying here . " I said , " You can 't stay here alone . " She said , " Why not ? I will have your guns , so don 't worry . There will be no one to molest me , but if there were I can shoot as straight as you . " I knew then that if we failed , it would not be her fault . I went first to my sister 's house . It was a surprise , but she got me a hearty lunch . Then I drove to the lumberyard for my load . It didn 't take long , as I had a list of everything I needed . MY ANXIETY for my wife and children lay heavily on my mind , so about four o ' clock in the morning I got my team and started . They seemed fresh and well rested , so we made good time , and I arrived home about noon . I found everyone safe , with no incidents to report . I turned the horses loose at once and began unloading the lumber , with each length in a separate pile , while Susie was getting dinner . Then I reported on the trip . I had brought toys and candy for the children , which kept them happy while we browsed through the magazines and read the letters I had brought from the post office at Ellinwood . The rest of the day was spent in planning the house I was to build . I used for a foundation two 2 - by 6 - inch pine planks spiked together and laid flat . That left a two - inch projection beyond the two - by four - inch studding , which after excavation would be a shelf to nail to , eighteen inches above the dirt floor , and would be the basis for built - in benches or a table . We had little furniture except what I could build from any scrap of lumber . The cot and cupboard that came with the wagon helped . IT WAS NOW the first of May , and we hadn 't seen a living soul since we came . It was at this point that we began to sense our isolation and the monotony , with no relief in sight . We sensed it in our disposition toward each other and in our work . The prairie wind never stopped blowing , urging us to finish the house and get on with the farming . Then we had an unexpected visit from the homestead agent , who congratulated us on the progress we were making . After offering some timely suggestions , he surprised us by saying , " I 've brought you some neighbors . It 's the Ditton family that has taken a claim five miles up the creek . They 're from Ohio , and I 'm sure you 'll like them . They have three sons and a daughter . " After he was gone , we could hardly wait to make their acquaintance . A few days later a boy about seventeen years old rode up and said , " I 'm Robert Ditton . We 've taken a claim near here , and my folks sent me to tell you they would like to meet you . Everything 's so strange . The homestead man said if there was anything we didn 't understand to see you . " I said , " Tell your father we 're strangers to this section too , but we 'll be over soon , maybe we can help each other . " That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship . We found that their background was similar to ours . They had sold their farm in the East to finance the trip West . In many ways we complemented each other . I was a carpenter , he was not , so our help to each other was vital and timely . Mrs . Ditton had been a nurse and was the mother of four fine children , so the relationship between her and my wife was like mother and daughter . They had several horses , and Mrs . Ditton loved to ride them , so she visited each week , which broke the monotony for the children and Susie . My wife said , " With her so close I 've lost all fear of the West . " I felt the same way ; it gave me new strength for the work ahead . Now that I had a wheelbarrow , my wife and I spent most of the time when the team was resting in laying sod . I cut and wheeled them and showed her how they should be laid . She became so efficient at it that I could hardly keep up with her . The sod was four inches thick and eight inches wide , cut in one - foot lengths , and laid without mortar , snug against the tar paper , giving insulation eight inches thick . The work went faster than we expected , as the walls were only five feet high . I spent my evening fitting window and door casings , so if the Seltzers came we could be ready to start the excavation . My greatest concern was my team . It was evident they had neither the weight nor strength to cope with plowing this tough prairie sod . I knew how to pity them , for we were all working to the limit of our strength . The corn I had planted was looking fine , and the potato patch was getting green when on the tenth of May at about 11 : 30 A . M . we saw a cloud coming across the plain very low , and which sounded like wind . I put the horses under the wagon cover where we kept our grain , and we all rushed for the house . As the cloud approached , the noise increased until we could not hear each other speak , and the light from the sun faded as though night was coming . It was the most awesome and terrifying thing we had ever seen . Then it fell , and for a while we were in almost total darkness . As the light gradually came back , and with it the realization that we were safe in the house , we felt thankful , until we looked outside . There we saw a writhing black blanket that seemed to be crawling toward us from every direction . We each grabbed a child and held it to protect it . Soon the sun came out , but the blanket kept rolling , and the stench was so appalling it left us trembling . I have no idea how long it lasted , but it seemed eternal . Then as we came to our senses and could think more clearly , we wondered about the Dittons . Thinking of them seemed to bring us to reality , and we could watch what was going on around us . Gradually the blanket lifted , and we could see the damage . Not a stalk of corn was left , nor a blade of grass ; even the leaves on the trees were gone . When I went to look after the horses , I found them in a panic . As soon as I got them outside , they wanted to run , so I tied them to the wagon and returned to the house . The horses were so agitated that I decided to take them with me . Once inside the house they quieted down , but it made us so crowded we could hardly move . When I tried to lead them out , they refused to go . Then I knew it was our protection they wanted , so I put the little girl on one of their backs and I got on the other . After a couple of hours , and with a lot of petting and coaxing , I got them outside . Then I harnessed them and hitched them to the wagon and we went over to the Dittons . By 3 : 00 we could see it clearly : a prairie fire coming our way . They had been living in two large tents , as they had no cover for their wagon . When the grasshoppers came , they put the horses in one and they lived in the other . It was late when we got there , so I drove to Thorn ton 's house . When he saw us he said , " You don 't have to tell me what happened . I 've already wired Hunter at Hays City , and he assured me you would be taken care of . What you need most right now is hay for the horses to tide over until the grass grows . " When we got back to our claim , we unloaded part of the hay and grain , and the Dittons got in their wagon for their trip home . After they were gone , I surveyed the damage we had sustained . The corn was ruined , and our garden a total loss . The potatoes looked as though they had been hit by a heavy frost , but there was life enough in them , I thought , so they would survive . They did and yielded a fair crop . About noon the next day , the agent from Hays City drove in with a load of hay and two bags of seed corn with a tag on them which said , " Compliments from Mr . Hunter . " I asked how extensive the damage had been , and he said it was a strip about fifteen miles wide and seventy long . It 's early in the season and Mr . Hunter hopes you 'll replant . I told him about the Dittons , and he said he was on his way there with the rest of the load . " You people are our charges and we don 't forget . " Our greatest worry now was drought . There had been but one rain storm since we came , and that was rather light compared with the one in Great Bend . We needed it so badly to start the grass growing that it almost became a prayer . Like most worries , this one proved groundless . In a couple of days we awoke to find a heavy bank of clouds in the West , and there was a stillness in the air as though all nature held its breath . Then came the deluge as though all the reservoirs of the heavens were turned loose . But the most frightening of all was the wall of water and debris that filled the creek . We marveled at its volume and force . A large tree with all its branches was floating crazily near our shore , so I got a rope , took off my clothes , and swam in to anchor it . After I had it safely snubbed to a big cottonwood on the shore , I called to my wife to bring me my ax and some picket rope . As soon as the tree was stable enough to stand on , I began cutting off the limbs while she stood on the shore and floated them in . We discovered that the tree was about two feet thick at the butt and would give us wood for the winter , which we needed . The rain had also given us new confidence , with the fear of drought driven from our minds . Most of the plowing was done . All it needed for replanting was sowing and harrowing , which to a farmer is a minor task . So great was our enthusiasm after the rain that I decided to plow the strip between the long furrows , uniting the two , which would give me several additional acres under cultivation . If luck is merely wise decision , as I believe , then I was both wise and lucky in that decision , for while plowing I struck the only stone I had found on my claim . I was so curious that I got my spade and dug it out . It was about four inches thick and two feet in length , dull yellow in color . I discovered one could cut it with a knife , as there was no sand or grit in it . I was no mineralogist , so I called it soapstone . What intrigued me was the possibility I could see for sculpture , and the things I could whittle out to amuse the children . After I got it to the house I started looking along the creek to see if I could find others like it , which I did . But exposure to sun and air had hardened and colored them until they looked like ordinary stone . Seeing this , I got old bags and sod and covered the piece I had found until the time I could use it , which would be in my leisure after work . But like any dreamer , I often found that my mind was toying with the possibilities under that little mound . The first thing I whittled out was a prairie dog for the girl . And crude as it was , she recognized it instantly , and called it her doggie - town doll . Which encouraged me to do more . EARLY ONE MORNING Mr . Ditton and his sons drove up with wheelbarrow and shovels in the wagon to help with the excavation . First we cut the sod into ten - foot lengths and rolled it , then the four of us carried it to the roof and laid it . We teamed up on the excavating , Ditton and his older son on one wheelbarrow , and I with the younger boy on the other . The work went so fast we could hardly clear the passage through the door for each other . About eleven o ' clock Mrs . Ditton and her little girl came . By noon she and Susie had a feast ready , while the children entertained each other in their carefree play . By six o ' clock the excavation was done . It was about June 1 when the agent from the homestead office called and said , " You will have new neighbors soon . A man by the name of Cornell has filed on a claim about seven miles up the creek . They have two children , a boy , seven , and a girl , three . I hope you like them . " Then he touched his lip and smiled , which I took to mean that Cornell was a boaster . About a week later Cornell rode up and introduced himself by saying , " I 'm your new neighbor , and I 'm here to stay . " Then he took a new Winchester rifle from his saddle holster and said , " No damn Indian or rancher can drive me out . " Then he handed me the gun and watched to see my reaction . I said , " It 's a beautiful gun all right , but it 's the man behind the gun that 's important . " The next time I saw Ditton , I asked if he had seen the new neighbor . He said , " Yes ! His name is Winchester , isn 't it ? " From that day on , Cornell was " Winchester " to us . We found he was a good neighbor as long as one stimulated his ego , otherwise he was sullen . BY THIS TIME things had become so routine there was little to report . There had been no rain since the middle of May , but the crops were growing . The ceaseless prairie wind kept blowing as though it would never stop . To break the monotony , I cut the big log into chunks and piled it on the shore . This was fun . There was no one to check my skill with an ax , so I could take it easy and relax . About July 1 we noticed a strange glow in the sky to the northwest . It seemed many miles away , so we saw no cause to worry . When morning came there was a haze where the glow had been . There seemed no hazard , so we gave it little attention . At noon it looked more threatening , and we watched it closely . By 3 : 00 P . M . we could see it clearly , a prairie fire coming our way . I had a twenty - furrow barrier between the prairie and our island , so our interest was more curiosity than fear . As a precaution I brought the horses in and tied them to the wagon . Then we watched as the fire crept slowly toward us . Suddenly the wind changed and seemed to be blowing toward the fire , and the horses became very restless , so I took them to the middle of the creek and tied them to the big log . When I got back I realized that the change in the wind was an updraft from the heat , and the only thing to do was backfire . I got a twelve - foot two - by - four , tied burlap bags on it , and poured kerosene on , and with this torch started the backfire . The heat and smoke were stifling . Then Susie called and said the roof of our house was on fire . I looked at it and saw it was just the dry grass from the sod we had put on it and was soon gone with no damage done . But to make sure I threw water on it in case there was a spark burning in the roots . When the fire reached Pawnee Creek and my backfire , it died . That evening we watched as it headed for Willow Creek and its demise . The next morning we drove to the Dittons to see how they fared . When we found them safe , we decided to drive to Ellinwood and spend the Fourth of July with the Seltzers . The next day we left early for our trip home . When we got there we found four antelope feeding on the grass in our island , which had not been burned over by the prairie fire . When they saw us they ran . My wife said , " Help yourselves . It was yours before you ever saw a man . " The next morning I got up early to see if they had done any damage to the crops . An antelope sprang to its feet and started to run . I killed it with a single shot . When I threw it across my shoulders to bring it to the house , two little fawns rose from the grass and followed . They were so wobbly on their feet I had to slow my pace . Then I knew I had killed their mother . When I got home I hung her up , but the fawns would not leave . They walked in circles beneath her as though pleading for attention . When my wife saw them , she said , " The poor little things are hungry . " Then I saw she was crying . When we tried to go near them they would shy away and return to the mother . Our little girl came out and walked over and began petting the mother , while the fawns crowded around her unafraid , as though seeking a friend . Susie said , " I have an idea . " Then she brought a dish of milk and gave it to our daughter with instructions to put her hand in the dish and then let them suck her fingers . Soon they were drinking from it , but no one else could feed them . Before the day was over , all the little girl had to do was sit near the mother , rattle the dish , and they would come . That night we let them sleep in the house , at the foot of the girl 's trundle bed . Twice my wife filled the dish and by morning it was empty . The big question was what they would do when we let them out . My wife said , " I was right once . We 'll try it again . " She got the girl to sit near the mother with a pan of milk before we opened the door to let them out , and as before it worked . They grew rapidly but never lost interest in their adopted family . Every night they slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed and would accept no other place . They were early risers and would go to the door and stamp their feet for their daily pan of milk and to be let out . They were so mischievous they had to be watched constantly or they would drive you crazy . One of their favorite tricks was to grab hold of a sheet from our daughter 's bed and run for the door . If they didn 't get tangled in it , we were seldom quick enough to catch them . They seemed to think that anything belonging to her was as much theirs as hers , particularly her slippers and dolls . They soon learned that the rattle of a dish meant food and became so clever at it that they hunted for dishes to rattle , even knocking them off the table . For exercise they took long runs on the prairie . Whenever we missed them , all we had to do was drum on a pan and they would return , to get the tidbits they enjoyed . As soon as the young antelope started eating grass as their main diet , they developed rapidly , and their hoofs became so sharp it was not safe to leave them alone with the children . After a month or so they preferred to sleep outside , and you would find them near the horses as though seeking companionship . They were not timid with women at any time , but they developed an aversion to men . Early in July the weather became unbearably hot . Even the wind that blew continuously was like a breath from a furnace and gave no relief as in the East . It was one hundred degrees in the shade , if you could find it . But Kansas being minus shade , it became torture . Work , no matter how urgent , was impossible . Then we learned what was meant by " stifling " heat . Our only diversion was in watching the heat fairies dancing over the open plain , a sight we had never seen before . In our misery we prayed that it was a sign of rain . The season had advanced to where I would need to sow my buckwheat if I was to have a crop . I could do it in a couple of days if the weather would cool . But most of all we needed rain . I CANNOT RECALL a single night we were there that the coyote did not howl his melancholy complaints to the moon , and the drought seemed to add torture to the sound . One night Susie said , " That poor devil sounds as lonesome as I feel . " Then I realized that this isolation was getting her down . When I asked her about it the next morning , she said , " Don 't worry about me , I can take it as long as you can , " then added , " I was just joking , forget it . " But her challenge revealed her longing and loneliness . After that I took her with me as often as I could on my trips to town , which she appreciated , and from then on she never complained , no matter how long or hard the trip , and she was always cheerful on our return . Shortly after the middle of July we got another rain . It was not a torrent like the other had been , but it did wonders for the crops . Best of all , it gave us confidence and hope in the future and courage to carry on . The two playful antelope were such a diversion , too , that they helped us forget our isolation . The two Dillon children , ages seven and thirteen , rode over nearly every day to play with them . Evenings and Sundays their parents came . One day while I was plowing I saw a man on horseback approaching . When he got near the house he dismounted , and as he did he fell . When he got back on his feet he held on to the saddle while he took the bridle from his horse and began beating the ground . I thought I knew what had happened , so I left my plowing and hurried to the house . When I got there , he was sitting on the dirt floor , squeezing the blood from a knife wound in the calf of his leg . Susie said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . This man has been bitten by a rattlesnake . " He gave her a smile , and said , " Never mind , I 'm all right . " Then my wife told me what he had done . When he saw he was bitten , he had taken his knife and cut the wound in two directions and asked her to get water and clean cloth for a bandage . Then he asked if we had any whiskey . When he found we had none , he said , " Iodine will do . " After the wound was cleaned and bandaged , he told me why he fell . The snake 's fangs had hit a nerve . But they had missed a blood vessel , so he would be all right . Then he inquired about the antelope . We brought them in , and after looking at them he said , " It 's really true . " Then he asked me to get his horse and bring it to the door . When I asked if he needed help he said , " No , thank you , " and left . I could see he was no stranger to Kansas or its environs . My crops were doing well , and I was waiting for September to sow my winter wheat . The weather was still hot , so I took to gathering bones at a more leisurely pace , driving out one day for a load and taking them to town the next morning . That gave me nights at home - and Susie a chance to go with me if she wished . One evening I uncovered the stone I had found , and sawed off a chunk , eight by ten inches , from which I carved a book . When it was finished , it was very realistic . When my wife saw it , she said , " Give it to me . " She took shoe polish and covered the front and back , which left the leaves yellow . To make it more convincing , I took a darning needle and scraped a crevice large enough to hold a bookmark . It looked so real that anyone could be fooled . But it didn 't have a title , so I took my knife and scraped off the polish for the letters Holy Bible . I admit it was neither original nor inspired , but I was rather proud of the workmanlike quality . From then on I discovered the artistic possibility of the stone and had a lot of fun . I was anxious to start building my barn , so I decided that it would save time to dig into the bank twenty feet and use the poles I had bought as rafters for the roof , then covering them with tar paper and sod . Seltzer had said he would come and help any time I was ready , so the last time I was in Great Bend with a load of bones , I sent him a card saying I would be ready August 12 . That night , as my wife and I lay awake and listened to the coyote howl and discussed the things we would tell them when they came , she cuddled close and said , " There 's something you don 't know . I 'm going to have another baby . " It was such a surprise I don 't know to this day whether my reaction was of fear or joy . The antelope slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed . Then she said , " I wonder when it will be Mary 's turn . She 's such a wholesome , jolly girl , she won 't be afraid , and I 'm sure she 's anxious for it to happen . " When they arrived early Friday morning after driving most of the night , we sensed that they had something they wanted to tell us . After breakfast , I . G . ( as we always called him ) and I got busy with our work . After about an hour I said , " Go ahead and tell the great secret back of that grin . " He said , " All right , I will . Mary is going to have a baby . But don 't tell her I told you . She reserved that right for herself . " When I laughed , he said , " What 's funny ! " I said , " Just this , I . G . For once I can match you . Susie is going to have a baby too . He said , " When did you find out ? " I told him , " Last night . " He said , " What a coincidence . Mary told me on our way out . " Now that we had this off our chests , the work seemed to go much faster , and by noon we had made big inroads in the excavation . When the girls called us for dinner , we were ready for a rest . I think both of us felt a little guilty at having revealed their secrets . Mary 's greeting was , " I . G . , you 've told him . " He said , " What makes you think that ? " She said , " By the smug expression on both your faces ! " Everything went well . There was little snow , and we found the sod house very warm and comfortable . The wood I had cut from the log that had floated in was more than sufficient to keep us warm . My crops were better than I expected , so we had plenty of potatoes , cornmeal , and buckwheat for pancakes , but the wheat was a disappointment due to the continuation of the drought . AT CHRISTMAS we visited the Seltzers for two days and as isual had a wonderful time . The bond between the two women grew even stronger as they planned and discussed their pregnancies and the clothes they would need . I . G . told me that a man had come to the store late in November and said , " I understand the man who has the two pet antelope is a relative of yours . If so , tell him he can get a good price for them at the zoo . " I said , " Tell him I have nothing to sell . They are pets because they know they are free . I would not betray their trust or sell their freedom for any price . " Whether or not he was the man who had been bitten by the snake , we never knew . The one thing we were sure of was that the antelope gave us diversion when it was most needed , and we felt deeply in their debt . I will never forget a day in September when a change of wind brought the tumbleweed . The horses were so scared I had to tie them in the unfinished barn . But the antelope fairly danced with joy as though someone had handed them a new toy . They ran races with the windblown weed , and when they won they danced ecstatically as though waiting for applause . We slept under the wagon ; I can 't recall being uncomfortable . As we watched them , we laughed so hard that all our worries were forgotten . From that day on we lost our fear of isolation , for being close to nature was an awakening to the fact that civilization is a violation of every law of creation . Our first snow came early in January . The wind had changed to the northwest , and it became very cold . The sky was overcast , but the first we saw of the snow was a white mass creeping along over the prairie very much like fog over a lake . I put the horses in the barn and went to the house , where Susie and I could watch . When it reached us , it seemed to be coming from the ground . There were no individual flakes , just a swirling white mass pushed along by a wind so fast it had no time or place to land . I said , " Well , that will end the drought at least . " When it was over , in about an hour , we were surprised to see how little there was on the ground . My wife said , " If that 's a Kansas snowstorm , you can excuse me ! " There was one thing that worried me . If I was to stay long enough to prove up on my claim , I had to have a heavier team to do the plowing . Our situation became our main topic of discussion , and we decided to stay . They fell in love with my team and were anxious to make a trade . When I saw that the horses would be well treated , I decided to let them go . They offered to give me $ 100 and the oxen for my team . When I hesitated , they raised it to $ 125 . We closed at $ 140 cash , plus my harnesses , for their oxen and yoke . I knew that without horses , gathering bones was impossible , and was almost glad , for now I could concentrate on farming . I planned to cultivate at least sixty acres in addition to the twenty that I had plowed the year before . If the season was favorable I would be far ahead financially . So I worked with almost feverish haste . My only worry was lack of rain . There hadn 't been any all spring except a short sleet storm in March . One evening I came in for supper and found Susie crying . I said , " What 's the matter , dear , are you in pain ? " She said , " No , it 's nothing worth mentioning . If I could only see a hill or a tree or if that wind would stop blowing , I would be all right . " The next morning she said with a smile , " I was just lonely , I guess . " When I came in for supper , she had it ready , and was happy with the prospect of rain . About an hour after supper she said , " I don 't feel too well . " I asked if I should get Mrs . Ditton . She said , " It will pass . It 's not labor pains , just a false alarm , so let it go until morning . " At eight o ' clock it was getting quite dark , and by nine o ' clock she said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . I 'm going to need her . " So I started . I could save time by going over the open prairie rather than following the creek . I was in a desperate hurry , so I took the chance . The night was so dark you couldn 't see a thing , not a star or a tree to guide you . After an hour I realized that I was totally lost . Then I tried to find my way back , but by this time I was so bewildered that I lost all sense of direction . Then I tried to circle , which only added to my confusion , mixed with a terrible feeling of guilt that somehow I had neglected the one person who loved and trusted me and that she might be dying because of it . I had stood at her side at every birth and knew how desperately she was suffering . At about five o ' clock I saw a light and headed for it . It was the Ditton place . When they heard my story they saddled a horse and Mrs . Ditton and I rode double , back to my place . We had no idea what we would find , but we feared the worst . YOU CAN hardly imagine our surprise when we opened the door , to see Susie smile and say , " Come look at your son . " When she turned the blanket down , there was a twelve - pound boy , as completely cared for as a doctor or nurse could have done . Mrs . Ditton went into action immediately . She examined the umbilical cord and found it successfully tied . Then came her examination of Susie , and the bed , which was not badly soiled . Then she said to Susie , " Don 't try to tell us now what happened , we can wait . The main thing is to get some rest . " Then she put her hand on Susie 's head and said , " You did a wonderful job . Now it 's my turn , so go to sleep and leave the rest to me . " Late that afternoon Susie told us her story . " After you left , I got everything ready for the birth , which I knew was imminent , and I knew you 'd be back soon with Mrs . Ditton . As the pains grew more frequent , I put a light in the window as a guide to hasten your coming . " When another hour passed and you still had not come , I realized that something must have happened , but I couldn 't imagine what it could be . As my pains increased , so did my worry about you . Then came the horrible realization that I had to face this thing alone . First I got scissors and thread and placed them in easy reach . By that time I could not stifle my moans , so I told the little girl to get on her cot and cover her head , and if I called to pretend not to hear , for I would be in bed . Then I got two picket ropes and tied them to the post at the foot of the bed . By this time I could stand no longer . " What happened from then on is rather vague . Except once , when I was pulling on the ropes in my greatest pain , I thought I saw you standing by the bed holding my hands as you always had before . This image stayed with me until after the head was born . With the easing of the pain I may have dropped to sleep , but if I did the cry of the baby brought me wide awake , and I instinctively knew what I had to do , and God gave me the strength to do it . The next thing that I remember was when you and Mrs . Ditton came into the room , and how glad I was to see you . THE RAIN that had looked so threatening on the night of the fourteenth veered to the southwest , and we got only a few sprinkles . While it did little for the crops , it revived our hopes , and Susie made a rapid recovery under the care of Mrs . Ditton , who came each day . My wife 's greatest worry seemed to be for Mary and the lack of news concerning her . Then on the eighteenth we got a surprise visit from I . G . , who said Mary had had a baby girl on the twelfth , and they had named her Minerva . When he saw our boy , he said , " Twin cousins ! What a coincidence ! But I beat you by three days . " When he saw how well Susie looked , he said , " I see you had good care too . " Susie said , " Yes , there 's no better nurse than Mrs . Ditton . " I took the hint and didn 't tell him of our experience . I asked him to tell me the latest prediction on the drought . He said , " I 'm sorry , but it doesn 't sound good . They are asking the farmers to make potatoes their main money crop , as they stand the best chance to survive the drought . " I had put myself in a spot where a good crop was my only salvation . That night I wrote Mr . Hunter a letter to confirm the rumor , which I . G . took to mail . April went by without rain , and I was getting desperate , when the agent from the homestead office brought the reply to my letter . It read : " Dear Mr . Trimm : I am sending this letter by messenger who can explain the contents . The reports on the drought are not as favorable as we could wish , but we are keeping in touch with the government and they promise a solution if the drought is not broken soon . " When I got in touch with the Dittons and told them what the agent had told me , he said , " To hell with it . I will go back to Ohio if it comes to that . But in the meantime I will have all the fun I can , and let the farming go . " On June 1 we got the final decision of the government on relief for the homesteader . They would grant a year 's absence from the claim providing one returned for a day during that time and filed a report of it in the homestead office . We could go back to Great Bend , return East , or do anything we chose for a year . Deep in my heart I know our Kansas venture was no failure . Again I called on Ditton for his decision , and when I found he had not decided , I made him a proposition . If he would furnish a team , and use my wagon , we would go fifty - fifty on hauling bones . It was a partnership we both enjoyed , and when he put his boys to work with his other team and wagon , he insisted on the partnership . The boys were satisfied , as it gave them extra money and a lot of fun . He and I both agreed that it was the most enjoyable and profitable experience we had had in Kansas . When I asked him about the timber claim , he said , " In this you are lucky . The government has suspended all planting of trees until after the drought , so you will get credit as though they were planted . " We both considered this very fair and vowed we would be back alter a year and give it another try . Now that we had the government leave , it was a question of what to do with it . My wife and I talked it over , pro and con , and decided we could go back to Pennsylvania for at least a visit , and if things became more favorable we could return . The more we thought about it , the greater our desire grew to see our friends in the East . The question was what to take and what to leave . With Ditton and Cornell going , as I was sure they would , that left no one within twelve miles to guard what we left . So we decided to take as much as we could to Ellinwood and sell or store it . We figured it would take three days to reach Ellinwood . We cooked our meals in the open over buffalo chips and slept wherever we preferred , in or out of the wagon . My wife and I preferred blankets on the ground under the wagon , with pillows for the nursing baby . I can 't recall that we were uncomfortable . The things that worried us most were uncertainty of the future and what to do when we got to Seltzer 's . I . G . and Mary were surprised when we told them that we were going back East for a visit . Then they filled us in on the news we had missed . One item was that my three sisters had clubbed together and bought back the farm I had sold . So we had a place waiting for us where we would be very welcome . When I told Seltzer I had decided to sell my oxen , he said , " Go over to the homestead office . I think he will buy your oxen . " At first the thought was repulsive , for I hadn 't forgotten our first meeting . I found him very cordial , and he promised to look them over . When he saw them he was greatly pleased and asked if he could also buy the wagon . Then he told me that most of the people who buy railroad land come by train and have no team . He asked my price . I said , " Make me an offer . " He said , " $ 150 . " Then I showed him the lucky plow and the took He raised his price $ 25 , and we closed the deal at $ 175 . Then he said , " That wagon is a godsend , as most of the people I sell to have no shelter until they build . " WHEN WE ARRIVED at Grand Valley , I was surprised to find it had become a booming oil town . Wages were high and work plentiful , and the home I had built was waiting for us . All my sisters asked in return was that I make a home for our mother and pay them back at my convenience . This was a pleasant arrangement for all concerned . I got a good job , and time went by so rapidly that I could hardly believe it was time to report back on my claim . When I talked it over with my wife , she said , " Do whatever you think is right . I am perfectly contented here . " When I got ready to go , I bought a ticket directly to Hays City , where I reported to Mr . Hunter . There I found that the Dittons and Cornell had left their claims , and the drought had not abated . He suggested that the agent and I ride out to the homestead , stay all night , and report back , and he would decide what there was to do . Some may say our Kansas venture was a failure , but deep in my heart I know it was not . It taught us that contentment and peace of mind are man 's greatest achievement , and that adventure is but a fleeting pleasure without value or compensation , except in the recesses of memory , to be recalled when one reviews his life and is looking for the exciting moments . In that sense our experience was a great success . |
June 2017 To get started as a prairie homesteader in the 1870s you needed uncommon reserves of strength , sanity , courage , and luck . Trimm had the first three . Warren P . Trimm AFTER YEARS of complex legislation , Congress passed the Homestead Act in 1862 . It made legal what many Americans had felt was their birthright since earliest times - free land in the West . It was not an easy gift to receive , though , and many who tried to accept it came to see the Act as a stark proposition : " The government bets 160 acres against the filing fee that the settler can 't live on the land for five years without starving to death . " Nevertheless , tens of thousands took up the challenge . Among them was Warren P . Trimm , who in the 187Os moved his family to Kansas . All through the backbreaking business of trying to build a life on the empty prairie , he kept a diary ; years later he sat down with his son , Lee - " the first white child to be born in Township 20S " - and together they composed a narrative of his adventures . " GO WEST , young man , go West " was a challenge hard to resist by the farmers of the East . So I sold my Pennsylvania farm with its stumps and stones and stingy soil that yielded so grudgingly to the toil I had given it . My wife , Susie , and I decided to go to Kansas and take up a government claim . In April 1877 we left by train , accompanied by my twenty - two - year - old sister , Mary , and our three - year - old daughter and infant son , destination Ellinwood , Kansas . When we reached Ellinwood on April 22 , we found that our trunks and luggage had arrived two days ahead of us . We got rooms in the hotel , and after lunch the girls decided to look this strange frontier town over , while I hunted up the homestead office . When I asked the hotel clerk for directions , he said with a wave of his hand , " Right across the street . Are yuh buyin ' or homesteadin ' ? " I didn 't know what he meant , so made no reply . I told him I had come all the way from Pennsylvania to take up free land and didn 't intend buying it now that I was here . He said , " If that is your final decision , your best bet would be in the Pawnee Rock and Great Bend section , along the Arkansas River about fifteen to twenty miles west of here . " After a moment 's hesitation he said , " It 's only fair to warn you that the ten - mile limit prevails on both government and railroad land in that section , due to the fact that Dodge City has become the Cow Town of the state , from which thousands of Texas cattle are shipped daily , which makes the ten - mile limit a necessity . " I asked him , " Who owns Kansas , the railroads or the government ? " He smiled and said , " It 's about fifty - fifty . We want business , they want population , but there is such a close relation between the two that there should be no conflict of interest . It 's simply a question of homesteading or buying . If you insist on being a homesteader , I can only direct you where to go . " My wife was quick to sense my disappointment and said , " Stop worrying . Everything will turn out right . It takes courage to win a fight . " My sister chimed in with , " Don 't worry about me , I can take care of myself . " And she was right , as you will see . When I got there , I found the station agent in a jolly mood . He said , " If you want a glimpse of the early West , look out in the yard . " There was a man with a covered wagon getting breakfast over buffalo chips that he had brought for the purpose . When I asked the agent who he was , he said , " Damned if I know . He came in last night and wants to sell his team and wagon and get the hell out of Kansas . " When I saw they were a span of Morgans , I felt that this was my lucky day . After looking the horses over and finding no blemish , I began bargaining with him on the price . He wanted two hundred . I offered one hundred and fifty . When I saw he had a plow in the wagon , I included that in my offer . He refused , saying , " I can get fifteen dollars cash for it at any store in town . " I still held to my price , he still refused , until I showed him the money . Then he said , " If I ever get the dust of this desert off my hide , I 'll never be back . " We followed the old Santa Fe Trail from Ellinwood to Great Bend . On the way , my sister said , " This may be strange country to us , but this covered wagon is no stranger to the trail . " I said , " I 'm glad you mentioned that , for I don 't know yet what all I have bought . " There were dirty blankets , cooking utensils , and a cot that we could see . The temptation was very strong to pull off the trail and explore , but as it was past noon , we decided to wait until night . On the way a group of cowboys rode by and saluted us by raising their hats . I heard one of them say , " I 'll be roped and tied ! I thought the coming of the railroad did away with that prairie schooner ! " When I got there , I found that the man in charge was very friendly . He said , " My name is Thornton , ' Thor ' to my friends . " I told him frankly my position and asked him for advice . While he confirmed what the other agent had said , he did it in a way that made you feel that he wanted to be helpful . He came out and looked at my team with an appraising eye and said , " Morgans , huh ? That looks like a very good pair . " WHEN WE went back to the office , he showed me a map of Kansas and said , " Here is the Arkansas River . If you notice , it dips south for about fifty miles , where Dodge City is located , then northeast to Great Bend , where we now stand . Keep away from the Dodge City section , for there you will find bitter opposition . " Now that you asked my advice , I can only tell you what I would do , and trust you will heed it . Go directly west on this trail until you reach an old stockade known as Duncan 's Ranch . Then head north to Pawnee Creek . There you will find some very fine land to homestead . " If I had your team and wagon , I would spend some time gathering buffalo bones , for the market . They bring a good price [ as fertilizer ] at any railroad station . That would give you a chance to look over the land and pick your claim . " I asked how I could pick and file a claim . He said , " You will find surveyor 's stakes with numbers on them . Copy these numbers and bring them to me . I will tell you what to do . " When I got back to the hotel and told my wife of the interview , she suggested we rent a place in town until I had a chance to carry out his suggestions . When I asked the clerk if he knew of any house we could rent , he did not answer but went to the door and yelled , " Hi , Hank , do you want to rent your house ? " There was an inflection in his voice that fell a little short of respect . When Hank came into the room he was such a typical cowboy , in a business suit , that nothing he wore seemed to fit . When he saw our covered wagon , he said , " Another damn homesteader ! " Then , seeing my sister Mary , he said , " Pardon , please . I will get my horse , so follow me . " When he rode in sight I could not believe that this was the same man . His sombrero and riding grace lent alertness and charm to his face . As I backed my team from the hitching rail , he keenly observed every detail . Then he put his horse into a lazy lope and crossed the street ahead of us . It was done so effortlessly that one felt the horse and man were one . My sister said , " Look , there goes Pan . " THE HOUSE he showed us was very adequate , with a basement , and a room over the stable where he slept . The backyard extended from the trail to the river , where he said I could use the land for my horses . I asked his price , and he said six dollars a week or twenty by the month . I paid him a week 's rent . Then I backed the wagon up to the porch and started to unload . There were two trunks and three very heavy suitcases , plus my carpenter 's tool chest . Hank sat on his horse and watched as the girls tried to help with this back - aching work . Not once did he offer to help or even dismount . The glances the girls cast his way seemed to say , " If you are half a man , you will get off that horse and help , " which had no effect on Hank . When the unloading was done , he swung his horse into that effortless lope and was gone . I drove to the back of the house , where I could give the contents of the wagon a thorough inspection , and got a great surprise . In a long chest attached to the wagon box I found nearly every kind of tool that a homesteader would need . I was so shocked I felt like an intruder . I had not bargained for these , and it was some time before I could feel they were really mine , but I had bought the outfit , so I was the winner . There on the cot were the seller 's badly worn overalls , where he had thrown them when changing for his trip East . Hanging from the bows of the covered wagon were his cooking utensils , which we had seen before . Back of the wagon seat he had built a cupboard that held his groceries . At this point I called the girls , for I knew they would be interested . There they found , in addition to salt and pepper , remnants of coffee , lard , flour , and sugar , but no bread , so we came to the conclusion that his had been a sourdough existence and a lonely one . The fact that he was a bachelor was proven when we found a can of Durham tobacco and two discarded pipes among the groceries . Once the girls got started on their exploration , no one could stop them until they had done a thorough job . In the pocket of his discarded overalls they found a crumpled letter from a mother to her son , full of pathos and solicitation that he return to civilization at Elmira , New York . That was our first information of who he was or his destination . " The rule is , as long as a man stays mounted , he can carry his guns . " Under the cot they found a pair of badly worn shoes and socks in need of mending , which seemed to touch a hidden chord in their feminine hearts . My sister asked , " Was he good looking and smart ? " I said , " How would I know ! He at least didn 't wear a beard and was not a cripple . " He said , " Why don 't you get out of Kansas , and leave this range country to us ! " I asked , " Who do you mean by us ? " He said , " Listen , mister . I was born on a ranch , and I 'm telling you in advance , the cards are stacked against you homesteaders . You haven 't got a Chinaman 's chance to win . " When I asked why , he said , " Grasshoppers and drought are two reasons , but there are others . " When I asked what , he said , " A thousand head of cattle stampeding through your crops . " I said , " What about the law ? " He said , " Law to stop a stampede ? Our legislators aren 't that dumb . They know cattle can 't read . You clodhoppers from the East have a lot to learn about Kansas , and the West , and I for one don 't wish you luck . " THE NEXT DAY was Sunday , and I got up early to water and attend to the horses . Hank rode over to inspect my team and seemed friendly , so I made him this proposition . If he would let me plow an acre or so for a garden , I would give him half of what I raised . He straightened back in his saddle as though shocked , and said , " What , me a farmer ? Not on your life ! But if playing in the dirt makes you happy , go to it , but count me out ! " Then he surprised me by saying , " I noticed you unloaded a carpenter 's chest . If you are a carpenter , we need you here . " That afternoon the girls and I walked the short distance to the river and picked out the location of our garden . We discovered that our neighbors on either side were using their back lots for picnic dinners , and there were benches and tables along the path to the river . So we decided to spend our Sundays there as long as we stayed in Great Bend . The next day , at the crack of dawn , I was on my way to locate a claim and gather buffalo bones for the market . I followed the Santa Fe Trail to Duncan 's Ranch , then turned north as directed . Before I reached Pawnee Creek , I found so many bones I could have had a lot easily , but left them for my trip back to save hauling them both ways . When I forded the creek , I found the most beautiful prairie land I had yet seen , and the surveyor 's stakes were there as the agent had said . It was now about noon , so I ate my lunch and began loading bones for my trip home . They were so plentiful I could count at least a dozen buffalo skeletons from where I stood . As I drove along the creek I found nothing more suitable than the place where I had forded the creek the day before , so I copied the numbers on the stakes before eating my lunch . It was not yet noon , so I spent an hour looking the land over before starting back . The wagon was empty , but the bones were so plentiful I could load any time I desired . I took it very leisurely , loading only those most handy , yet I had a full load by early afternoon , while yet ten miles from home . When they were weighed in they brought $ 8 . 60 . And best of all , I had the surveyor 's numbers I could turn in to the homestead office . The next morning I decided to plow my garden . When Hank saw me , he said " Getting ready to play in the dirt ? I thought you had a better occupation as a carpenter . " I said , " It 's my sideline . Why the interest , Hank ? Are you going to restrict the size of my garden ? I only need an acre or two . " He said , " What in hell is an acre ! We measure things in miles out here . Take all you want . It 's only wasteland to me . " By six o ' clock the garden was ready for planting our table vegetables . After supper the girls and I laid out the rows and began the planting . It was a pleasure , for it eased the tension to have things growing . When I went to the homestead office the next morning , the agent said , " All these figures are in Range 23 , north of Pawnee Creek and out of my jurisdiction . You will have to file these claims with Mr . Hunter at Hays City . " I asked how far it was to Hays City . He answered that by saying , " I see you have started a garden . " I said , " Yes , but that doesn 't answer my question about Hays City . My only interest is to file a claim . " Sensing my anxiety , he said , " I think I can save you the trip by wiring Hunter to reserve the claim for you . " I asked , " How long would it take ? It 's already late to plant a crop . " He said , " If I appear to be delaying you , it 's for your good , so trust me and you will not be sorry . Mr . Hunter is as anxious as you and I to see that the homesteader gets a fair deal . Filing a claim is not what is important , but that you stay long enough to prove up on it and get your deed at the end of five years . It is only then that you become a taxpaying citizen of the state , which is our main object . " It 's rumored that you are a carpenter . If I had your team and occupation , I would consider I was master of the situation and stay right here . Don 't worry about the claim . I give you my word that Mr . Hunter will reserve it for you . All you need to worry about is , Have you the stamina to become one of us ? This is not a season 's game but for life , and we need you as much as you need us . " Now that we had decided to wait and gamble with fate , I put my work on routine by taking Monday , Wednesday , and Friday for hauling bones and the alternate days for carpenter work . I was doing very well and making many friends , so I felt I had little to worry about . When we left for Kansas , we had told our friends to send all mail to Ellinwood . It was now the middle of May and we had received no mail , so we decided to drive to Ellinwood , pick up what was there , and leave a forwarding address . There I found mail from back in April . My sister confessed that when she and Susie were visiting the town that first day , she had gone back to the post office and told the clerk to hold all mail until he heard from us . Then she said , " I think he 's cute , don 't you ? Besides , he told me he 's from Pennsylvania too . " When I told him where to forward our mail , she said , " All but mine . I will call for that personally . " I said , " How can you ? We are fifteen miles away . " My wife gave me a nudge with her elbow and said , " She likes that clerk and she will find a way . WE HAD BEEN in Kansas three weeks before we saw any rain . But when it came , it left a memory we will never forget . There was no rumbling thunder as we were used to in the East . Its lightning was a flash and explosion and seemed to skim along the ground rather than leap from the clouds , and one shrank in terror from its violence . When the rain came , it was a rushing torrent that seemed bent on the destruction of everything in its path . We took refuge in the basement away from the noise and din , where I could watch its effect on the horses . To my surprise they didn 't seem frightened . Then I knew this was nothing new to them , that it was what we could expect from any rain in Kansas . In an hour 's time the sun was shining . When we went back to the main floor , I discovered a leak at one of the windows , so I got my tools and fixed it . I felt I owed that much for the offhand favors Hank had done us . I was anxious to show my wife the claim I had chosen . So the following Sunday she prepared a picnic lunch , and we drove to the location . When we reached the vicinity of the claim , I could see that my wife was very pleased . We found a shady spot under a cottonwood tree by the creek and ate our lunch . Then we left the children with my sister while we did a little exploring . When we got back , we found that she had put the children to sleep on a blanket and was almost asleep herself . When I asked my sister if she would like to live here , she said , " The great open spaces are exclusively for men . A girl seeks civilization where her feminine graces get attention . " I asked my wife how she felt about it . She said , " Love thrives on isolation , so I have no hesitation in moving here . " I said , " You girls seem to have gone romantic . If this location is the inspiration , I am a lucky man . " When we got ready to leave , we forded the creek and drove south to the Santa Fe Trail at Duncan 's Ranch . This was a large stockade built by the government to protect wagon trains from Indian attack back in 1849 . It was built of logs set in the ground and was about twelve feet high , with no roof , and was large enough to hold twenty wagons or more with portholes breast high for small - arms fire . It fairly reeked with romance , and the girls found great delight in copying the hundreds of names they found inside , most of them cut in the logs with a knife . One read , " Joe Weller , died of arrow wound 1852 . " Others read , " Jean married Fred June 8 , 1856 [ no surname ] , " and " Baby born to Abe and Mary Wilson July 6 , 1861 . " There were also just names with no date , like Kit Carson , Jim Raider , Cody , Hickok , Fremont , and many , many others . My work became so routine that it left little to record . In June my sister brought her boyfriend to meet us . We found him very likable , well educated , and a teacher who worked in the post office between times . When she saw how well we liked him , he became a frequent guest at our Sunday dinners by the river . On November 7 , 1877 , they were married . His name was Isaac Graf f Seltzer , and he was of old Pennsylvania Dutch stock that put stress on education and thrift without show . His motto was : Don 't guess but know . When he told me there was a good opening in Ellinwood for me and the team , I did not question his judgment but got ready to leave Great Bend . First I had to see Hank and tell him we were leaving . I also felt I owed him something from the garden , but doubted that he would take it . So I put a twenty - dollar bill in an envelope marked , " Thanks for sending carpenter prospects to me . " He read it and said , " Don 't thank me , for you see you haven 't got a claim yet . " I said , " Thanks just the same , Hank . I already have my claim . You are so blinded by your conceit you are completely out of touch with reality . Better luck next time , Hank , but don 't try it on anyone from Pennsylvania . " Then , after wishing me the best of luck , he handed me an open letter addressed to Mr . Hunter , which read , " I have known Mr . Trimm for nine months and can vouch for his integrity and ability . The rest I leave to you . Signed , Thomas Thornton , U . S . Homestead Office , Great Bend , Kansas . " At the bottom he had added the P . S . , " Any favors shown this man , Bill , is a favor to your old friend Thor . " There were other reasons I wanted to move to Ellinwood besides being near my sister . It had a doctor , where Great Bend had none . Winter was coming soon , and I had to have shelter for the horses and a steady job . But most of all , Mary had become so much a part of our home that we felt lost without her , and Susie wanted to be with her during the winter . So we drove to Ellinwood to inspect the job . We found it better than we expected , thanks to my brother - in - law 's thoroughness . A man who did most of the freight hauling for the town needed an extra team to take care of his Friday and Monday rush over the Christmas season . When he saw my team , he made me this offer : he would stable the horses and furnish the hay and give me three dollars a day for the two days he needed them . I was to furnish the grain and care for the team . All the rest of the week I could use them as I pleased , and what I earned would be mine . When I asked if he knew where I could find a house , he asked , " How many children ? " Then he said , " If you are I . G . Seltzer 's brother - in - law , I have a place I can show you . It 's a sod house but comfortable . " As we drove along the Santa Fe Trail , I said , " Do you know , I am disappointed that we have seen so little of the historical glamour of Kansas . It was only two years since Ouster and his men were massacred at Little Bighorn and the Indians forced to live on reservations , yet it is never mentioned in conversation . I haven 't seen even one man wearing a six - gun in a holster since I came to Kansas , so I feel cheated . " My wife said , " Forget it . We didn 't come here for adventure . You may not know it , but you 're badly in need of a haircut before we move to a new town . " AFTER I LET HER OUT at the house and picketed the horses , I decided to walk back to the town and have it done . As I came in sight of the barbershop , I noticed that all the men on the street were ducking out of sight into the stores . Then I saw what I thought was a drunken cowboy riding down the middle of the street taking shots with either hand at whatever sign took his fancy . He was headed my way , so I kept on walking until he passed . When I got to the barbershop , I asked the barber if he had seen that drunken cowboy go past . He said , " That was no drunken cowboy . That was Texas Jack . " I asked who this Texas Jack was , that all the men in town ducked out of sight . Were they too scared to fight ? He said , " What would you do , mister , against the fastest gun in the West ? " I asked , " What about the sheriff , where is he ? " He said , " He is where he orter be , in his office reading his paper , most likely . " Then , while cutting my hair , he gave me this explanation , " Texas Jack is no stranger to this town . They know his record . No man who has drawn against him has ever lived to tell it . So by mutual agreement , every man including the sheriff keeps out of sight when he is in town . The rule is that as long as a man stays mounted he can carry his guns . Jack was just having fun . Don 't discredit our sheriff 's courage . If Jack had dismounted for one moment , the first man he would have to kill would be the sheriff . Jack knows this , and that he would never be allowed to leave town if it happened . " The next morning a neighbor whom we knew came over to say good - bye , and lent a hand in loading the harrow and plow . By noon we had bid farewell to a dozen or more who wished us well and expressed regrets that we were leaving . When we got to Ellinwood , we found our quarters rather compact but not unpleasant . Freight hauling was heavy work , but I didn 't mind for it was only two days a week . My wife was very happy there , for she and my sister had much in common discussing their husbands and doing the shopping . The winter proved to be a mild one , with no snow until after Christmas . NOW THAT WE HAD a definite date for our trip to Hays City , we could hardly wait to get started as homesteaders . My work had slackened off to a point where it became subordinate to our desire to get started , so March 1 found us ready . The cover had been put back on the wagon and all our farm implements and seed loaded , which made it rather crowded . It was a sixty - mile journey to Hays City , so we figured it would be a three - day trip . The weather had turned warm , so we cooked our meals over an open fire and slept in the wagon . When we reached Hays City on March 3 , 1878 , I went directly to the homestead office , where I met Mr . Hunter and gave him the letter that Mr . Thornton had given me . After reading it , he said , " Your claim is reserved for you . Come to the office early tomorrow and we will file it in your name . " Then he told me I could file on an extra 160 acres as a " Timber Culture Claim . " So on March 4 I filed for both as follows : Homestead , N . W . 4 , Section 25 , Township 20 , Range 23 W . Timber Claim , S . W . 4 , Township 20 S , Section 24 . I consulted with Mr . Hunter about what was most essential for a homesteader to take with him . He said , " Determination , imagination , and a willingness to forget civilization . A good gun and plenty of ammunition . But most of all , several rolls of tar paper . " So far our claim was nothing but a mathematical equation that seemed to have no relation to the claim I had chosen . I said , " If this is my original claim , I can find it without a guide . " He said , " Go ahead if you are in a hurry , but the guide will be there to show you the lines and record your possession . You are our responsibility now , and we will do everything we can to help you . " We were tired , but no day ended without family worship . That night we stayed in Hays City and got an early start . We hadn 't gone far when we were overtaken by a man on horseback who said , " I am from the homestead office and am here to record your arrival and answer any questions you may have . " About noon we came to a small stream , where I watered the horses and my wife got lunch over an open fire of buffalo chips . The man watched us closely , and when I said grace before eating , he removed his hat and held it in his hand . Then he said , " I admire a man who is loyal to his religion , whatever it may be . Personally , I am a Mormon . " Then , after congratulating my wife on her cooking , he remounted and led the way . This territory was entirely new to us , an open , rolling prairie that seemed as endless as the sea . We had no idea of where we were until we forded a large stream , which he called Willow Creek . Then things seemed familiar to me , like the memory of a dream . I said to my wife , " I have a feeling I have been here . " It wasn 't long before I sighted definite landmarks along Pawnee Creek . The guide drew alongside and said , " You people were a little seasick back there a ways . Don 't worry , that is a common reaction of Easterners on their first trip over these rolling plains . It will pass as soon as you begin to work . " My wife asked about Indian raids . He said , " I don 't think you will be bothered . The bad ones have been put on reservations since the Custer massacre at Little Bighorn two and a half years ago , and the troops at Fort Larned do an excellent job patrolling this section . " At about 4 : 00 P . M . he halted us and said , " You are on your own land , how do you like it ? This is the homestead . " Then he took some surveyor 's stakes from his saddlebags and , after studying a map , said , " This is the southwest corner of your timber claim . You are lucky , for they parallel each other , which gives you 320 acres , one half section , which means your farm will be a half - mile square . " He took time to mark the corners . Then after wishing us the best of luck , he left . As he disappeared over the first elevation , we felt little elation . My wife said , " Let 's get to work . " We had no home but the covered wagon . Our first and foremost obligation was to choose the location for our house . So I started at the stake that marked the western boundary of our homestead and drove east along the creek to the eastern border , searching every nook for a suitable location . Before I had finished I was appalled at the vastness of our possession and the work that lay ahead to make it a home . I ran the furrow straight north into the open prairie . We chose a spot about a hundred feet back from the creek . That night , after I had picketed out the horses and we had eaten our supper cooked over an open fire , we began our discussion of how large the sod house should be , the decision being mostly left up to me as I had the work to do . We settled on a house twenty by twenty - four feet . It was now evening . The children were in bed and we were very tired , but to us no day was finished without family worship . Our Bible was packed in our trunk , so we recited the Twenty - third Psalm . " The Lord is my shepherd . … He leadeth me beside the still waters … " As we were eating our dinner , my wife said , " I like this idea of an island . It 's romantic and so appropriate in this sea of grass . This will be our love domain and we will defend it against any intrusion by nature or man . " I said hurry and get the children ready , it 's a long trip . She said , " No , I 'm staying here . " I said , " You can 't stay here alone . " She said , " Why not ? I will have your guns , so don 't worry . There will be no one to molest me , but if there were I can shoot as straight as you . " I knew then that if we failed , it would not be her fault . I went first to my sister 's house . It was a surprise , but she got me a hearty lunch . Then I drove to the lumberyard for my load . It didn 't take long , as I had a list of everything I needed . MY ANXIETY for my wife and children lay heavily on my mind , so about four o ' clock in the morning I got my team and started . They seemed fresh and well rested , so we made good time , and I arrived home about noon . I found everyone safe , with no incidents to report . I turned the horses loose at once and began unloading the lumber , with each length in a separate pile , while Susie was getting dinner . Then I reported on the trip . I had brought toys and candy for the children , which kept them happy while we browsed through the magazines and read the letters I had brought from the post office at Ellinwood . The rest of the day was spent in planning the house I was to build . I used for a foundation two 2 - by 6 - inch pine planks spiked together and laid flat . That left a two - inch projection beyond the two - by four - inch studding , which after excavation would be a shelf to nail to , eighteen inches above the dirt floor , and would be the basis for built - in benches or a table . We had little furniture except what I could build from any scrap of lumber . The cot and cupboard that came with the wagon helped . IT WAS NOW the first of May , and we hadn 't seen a living soul since we came . It was at this point that we began to sense our isolation and the monotony , with no relief in sight . We sensed it in our disposition toward each other and in our work . The prairie wind never stopped blowing , urging us to finish the house and get on with the farming . Then we had an unexpected visit from the homestead agent , who congratulated us on the progress we were making . After offering some timely suggestions , he surprised us by saying , " I 've brought you some neighbors . It 's the Ditton family that has taken a claim five miles up the creek . They 're from Ohio , and I 'm sure you 'll like them . They have three sons and a daughter . " After he was gone , we could hardly wait to make their acquaintance . A few days later a boy about seventeen years old rode up and said , " I 'm Robert Ditton . We 've taken a claim near here , and my folks sent me to tell you they would like to meet you . Everything 's so strange . The homestead man said if there was anything we didn 't understand to see you . " I said , " Tell your father we 're strangers to this section too , but we 'll be over soon , maybe we can help each other . " That was the beginning of a wonderful friendship . We found that their background was similar to ours . They had sold their farm in the East to finance the trip West . In many ways we complemented each other . I was a carpenter , he was not , so our help to each other was vital and timely . Mrs . Ditton had been a nurse and was the mother of four fine children , so the relationship between her and my wife was like mother and daughter . They had several horses , and Mrs . Ditton loved to ride them , so she visited each week , which broke the monotony for the children and Susie . My wife said , " With her so close I 've lost all fear of the West . " I felt the same way ; it gave me new strength for the work ahead . Now that I had a wheelbarrow , my wife and I spent most of the time when the team was resting in laying sod . I cut and wheeled them and showed her how they should be laid . She became so efficient at it that I could hardly keep up with her . The sod was four inches thick and eight inches wide , cut in one - foot lengths , and laid without mortar , snug against the tar paper , giving insulation eight inches thick . The work went faster than we expected , as the walls were only five feet high . I spent my evening fitting window and door casings , so if the Seltzers came we could be ready to start the excavation . My greatest concern was my team . It was evident they had neither the weight nor strength to cope with plowing this tough prairie sod . I knew how to pity them , for we were all working to the limit of our strength . The corn I had planted was looking fine , and the potato patch was getting green when on the tenth of May at about 11 : 30 A . M . we saw a cloud coming across the plain very low , and which sounded like wind . I put the horses under the wagon cover where we kept our grain , and we all rushed for the house . As the cloud approached , the noise increased until we could not hear each other speak , and the light from the sun faded as though night was coming . It was the most awesome and terrifying thing we had ever seen . Then it fell , and for a while we were in almost total darkness . As the light gradually came back , and with it the realization that we were safe in the house , we felt thankful , until we looked outside . There we saw a writhing black blanket that seemed to be crawling toward us from every direction . We each grabbed a child and held it to protect it . Soon the sun came out , but the blanket kept rolling , and the stench was so appalling it left us trembling . I have no idea how long it lasted , but it seemed eternal . Then as we came to our senses and could think more clearly , we wondered about the Dittons . Thinking of them seemed to bring us to reality , and we could watch what was going on around us . Gradually the blanket lifted , and we could see the damage . Not a stalk of corn was left , nor a blade of grass ; even the leaves on the trees were gone . When I went to look after the horses , I found them in a panic . As soon as I got them outside , they wanted to run , so I tied them to the wagon and returned to the house . The horses were so agitated that I decided to take them with me . Once inside the house they quieted down , but it made us so crowded we could hardly move . When I tried to lead them out , they refused to go . Then I knew it was our protection they wanted , so I put the little girl on one of their backs and I got on the other . After a couple of hours , and with a lot of petting and coaxing , I got them outside . Then I harnessed them and hitched them to the wagon and we went over to the Dittons . By 3 : 00 we could see it clearly : a prairie fire coming our way . They had been living in two large tents , as they had no cover for their wagon . When the grasshoppers came , they put the horses in one and they lived in the other . It was late when we got there , so I drove to Thorn ton 's house . When he saw us he said , " You don 't have to tell me what happened . I 've already wired Hunter at Hays City , and he assured me you would be taken care of . What you need most right now is hay for the horses to tide over until the grass grows . " When we got back to our claim , we unloaded part of the hay and grain , and the Dittons got in their wagon for their trip home . After they were gone , I surveyed the damage we had sustained . The corn was ruined , and our garden a total loss . The potatoes looked as though they had been hit by a heavy frost , but there was life enough in them , I thought , so they would survive . They did and yielded a fair crop . About noon the next day , the agent from Hays City drove in with a load of hay and two bags of seed corn with a tag on them which said , " Compliments from Mr . Hunter . " I asked how extensive the damage had been , and he said it was a strip about fifteen miles wide and seventy long . It 's early in the season and Mr . Hunter hopes you 'll replant . I told him about the Dittons , and he said he was on his way there with the rest of the load . " You people are our charges and we don 't forget . " Our greatest worry now was drought . There had been but one rain storm since we came , and that was rather light compared with the one in Great Bend . We needed it so badly to start the grass growing that it almost became a prayer . Like most worries , this one proved groundless . In a couple of days we awoke to find a heavy bank of clouds in the West , and there was a stillness in the air as though all nature held its breath . Then came the deluge as though all the reservoirs of the heavens were turned loose . But the most frightening of all was the wall of water and debris that filled the creek . We marveled at its volume and force . A large tree with all its branches was floating crazily near our shore , so I got a rope , took off my clothes , and swam in to anchor it . After I had it safely snubbed to a big cottonwood on the shore , I called to my wife to bring me my ax and some picket rope . As soon as the tree was stable enough to stand on , I began cutting off the limbs while she stood on the shore and floated them in . We discovered that the tree was about two feet thick at the butt and would give us wood for the winter , which we needed . The rain had also given us new confidence , with the fear of drought driven from our minds . Most of the plowing was done . All it needed for replanting was sowing and harrowing , which to a farmer is a minor task . So great was our enthusiasm after the rain that I decided to plow the strip between the long furrows , uniting the two , which would give me several additional acres under cultivation . If luck is merely wise decision , as I believe , then I was both wise and lucky in that decision , for while plowing I struck the only stone I had found on my claim . I was so curious that I got my spade and dug it out . It was about four inches thick and two feet in length , dull yellow in color . I discovered one could cut it with a knife , as there was no sand or grit in it . I was no mineralogist , so I called it soapstone . What intrigued me was the possibility I could see for sculpture , and the things I could whittle out to amuse the children . After I got it to the house I started looking along the creek to see if I could find others like it , which I did . But exposure to sun and air had hardened and colored them until they looked like ordinary stone . Seeing this , I got old bags and sod and covered the piece I had found until the time I could use it , which would be in my leisure after work . But like any dreamer , I often found that my mind was toying with the possibilities under that little mound . The first thing I whittled out was a prairie dog for the girl . And crude as it was , she recognized it instantly , and called it her doggie - town doll . Which encouraged me to do more . EARLY ONE MORNING Mr . Ditton and his sons drove up with wheelbarrow and shovels in the wagon to help with the excavation . First we cut the sod into ten - foot lengths and rolled it , then the four of us carried it to the roof and laid it . We teamed up on the excavating , Ditton and his older son on one wheelbarrow , and I with the younger boy on the other . The work went so fast we could hardly clear the passage through the door for each other . About eleven o ' clock Mrs . Ditton and her little girl came . By noon she and Susie had a feast ready , while the children entertained each other in their carefree play . By six o ' clock the excavation was done . It was about June 1 when the agent from the homestead office called and said , " You will have new neighbors soon . A man by the name of Cornell has filed on a claim about seven miles up the creek . They have two children , a boy , seven , and a girl , three . I hope you like them . " Then he touched his lip and smiled , which I took to mean that Cornell was a boaster . About a week later Cornell rode up and introduced himself by saying , " I 'm your new neighbor , and I 'm here to stay . " Then he took a new Winchester rifle from his saddle holster and said , " No damn Indian or rancher can drive me out . " Then he handed me the gun and watched to see my reaction . I said , " It 's a beautiful gun all right , but it 's the man behind the gun that 's important . " The next time I saw Ditton , I asked if he had seen the new neighbor . He said , " Yes ! His name is Winchester , isn 't it ? " From that day on , Cornell was " Winchester " to us . We found he was a good neighbor as long as one stimulated his ego , otherwise he was sullen . BY THIS TIME things had become so routine there was little to report . There had been no rain since the middle of May , but the crops were growing . The ceaseless prairie wind kept blowing as though it would never stop . To break the monotony , I cut the big log into chunks and piled it on the shore . This was fun . There was no one to check my skill with an ax , so I could take it easy and relax . About July 1 we noticed a strange glow in the sky to the northwest . It seemed many miles away , so we saw no cause to worry . When morning came there was a haze where the glow had been . There seemed no hazard , so we gave it little attention . At noon it looked more threatening , and we watched it closely . By 3 : 00 P . M . we could see it clearly , a prairie fire coming our way . I had a twenty - furrow barrier between the prairie and our island , so our interest was more curiosity than fear . As a precaution I brought the horses in and tied them to the wagon . Then we watched as the fire crept slowly toward us . Suddenly the wind changed and seemed to be blowing toward the fire , and the horses became very restless , so I took them to the middle of the creek and tied them to the big log . When I got back I realized that the change in the wind was an updraft from the heat , and the only thing to do was backfire . I got a twelve - foot two - by - four , tied burlap bags on it , and poured kerosene on , and with this torch started the backfire . The heat and smoke were stifling . Then Susie called and said the roof of our house was on fire . I looked at it and saw it was just the dry grass from the sod we had put on it and was soon gone with no damage done . But to make sure I threw water on it in case there was a spark burning in the roots . When the fire reached Pawnee Creek and my backfire , it died . That evening we watched as it headed for Willow Creek and its demise . The next morning we drove to the Dittons to see how they fared . When we found them safe , we decided to drive to Ellinwood and spend the Fourth of July with the Seltzers . The next day we left early for our trip home . When we got there we found four antelope feeding on the grass in our island , which had not been burned over by the prairie fire . When they saw us they ran . My wife said , " Help yourselves . It was yours before you ever saw a man . " The next morning I got up early to see if they had done any damage to the crops . An antelope sprang to its feet and started to run . I killed it with a single shot . When I threw it across my shoulders to bring it to the house , two little fawns rose from the grass and followed . They were so wobbly on their feet I had to slow my pace . Then I knew I had killed their mother . When I got home I hung her up , but the fawns would not leave . They walked in circles beneath her as though pleading for attention . When my wife saw them , she said , " The poor little things are hungry . " Then I saw she was crying . When we tried to go near them they would shy away and return to the mother . Our little girl came out and walked over and began petting the mother , while the fawns crowded around her unafraid , as though seeking a friend . Susie said , " I have an idea . " Then she brought a dish of milk and gave it to our daughter with instructions to put her hand in the dish and then let them suck her fingers . Soon they were drinking from it , but no one else could feed them . Before the day was over , all the little girl had to do was sit near the mother , rattle the dish , and they would come . That night we let them sleep in the house , at the foot of the girl 's trundle bed . Twice my wife filled the dish and by morning it was empty . The big question was what they would do when we let them out . My wife said , " I was right once . We 'll try it again . " She got the girl to sit near the mother with a pan of milk before we opened the door to let them out , and as before it worked . They grew rapidly but never lost interest in their adopted family . Every night they slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed and would accept no other place . They were early risers and would go to the door and stamp their feet for their daily pan of milk and to be let out . They were so mischievous they had to be watched constantly or they would drive you crazy . One of their favorite tricks was to grab hold of a sheet from our daughter 's bed and run for the door . If they didn 't get tangled in it , we were seldom quick enough to catch them . They seemed to think that anything belonging to her was as much theirs as hers , particularly her slippers and dolls . They soon learned that the rattle of a dish meant food and became so clever at it that they hunted for dishes to rattle , even knocking them off the table . For exercise they took long runs on the prairie . Whenever we missed them , all we had to do was drum on a pan and they would return , to get the tidbits they enjoyed . As soon as the young antelope started eating grass as their main diet , they developed rapidly , and their hoofs became so sharp it was not safe to leave them alone with the children . After a month or so they preferred to sleep outside , and you would find them near the horses as though seeking companionship . They were not timid with women at any time , but they developed an aversion to men . Early in July the weather became unbearably hot . Even the wind that blew continuously was like a breath from a furnace and gave no relief as in the East . It was one hundred degrees in the shade , if you could find it . But Kansas being minus shade , it became torture . Work , no matter how urgent , was impossible . Then we learned what was meant by " stifling " heat . Our only diversion was in watching the heat fairies dancing over the open plain , a sight we had never seen before . In our misery we prayed that it was a sign of rain . The season had advanced to where I would need to sow my buckwheat if I was to have a crop . I could do it in a couple of days if the weather would cool . But most of all we needed rain . I CANNOT RECALL a single night we were there that the coyote did not howl his melancholy complaints to the moon , and the drought seemed to add torture to the sound . One night Susie said , " That poor devil sounds as lonesome as I feel . " Then I realized that this isolation was getting her down . When I asked her about it the next morning , she said , " Don 't worry about me , I can take it as long as you can , " then added , " I was just joking , forget it . " But her challenge revealed her longing and loneliness . After that I took her with me as often as I could on my trips to town , which she appreciated , and from then on she never complained , no matter how long or hard the trip , and she was always cheerful on our return . Shortly after the middle of July we got another rain . It was not a torrent like the other had been , but it did wonders for the crops . Best of all , it gave us confidence and hope in the future and courage to carry on . The two playful antelope were such a diversion , too , that they helped us forget our isolation . The two Dillon children , ages seven and thirteen , rode over nearly every day to play with them . Evenings and Sundays their parents came . One day while I was plowing I saw a man on horseback approaching . When he got near the house he dismounted , and as he did he fell . When he got back on his feet he held on to the saddle while he took the bridle from his horse and began beating the ground . I thought I knew what had happened , so I left my plowing and hurried to the house . When I got there , he was sitting on the dirt floor , squeezing the blood from a knife wound in the calf of his leg . Susie said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . This man has been bitten by a rattlesnake . " He gave her a smile , and said , " Never mind , I 'm all right . " Then my wife told me what he had done . When he saw he was bitten , he had taken his knife and cut the wound in two directions and asked her to get water and clean cloth for a bandage . Then he asked if we had any whiskey . When he found we had none , he said , " Iodine will do . " After the wound was cleaned and bandaged , he told me why he fell . The snake 's fangs had hit a nerve . But they had missed a blood vessel , so he would be all right . Then he inquired about the antelope . We brought them in , and after looking at them he said , " It 's really true . " Then he asked me to get his horse and bring it to the door . When I asked if he needed help he said , " No , thank you , " and left . I could see he was no stranger to Kansas or its environs . My crops were doing well , and I was waiting for September to sow my winter wheat . The weather was still hot , so I took to gathering bones at a more leisurely pace , driving out one day for a load and taking them to town the next morning . That gave me nights at home - and Susie a chance to go with me if she wished . One evening I uncovered the stone I had found , and sawed off a chunk , eight by ten inches , from which I carved a book . When it was finished , it was very realistic . When my wife saw it , she said , " Give it to me . " She took shoe polish and covered the front and back , which left the leaves yellow . To make it more convincing , I took a darning needle and scraped a crevice large enough to hold a bookmark . It looked so real that anyone could be fooled . But it didn 't have a title , so I took my knife and scraped off the polish for the letters Holy Bible . I admit it was neither original nor inspired , but I was rather proud of the workmanlike quality . From then on I discovered the artistic possibility of the stone and had a lot of fun . I was anxious to start building my barn , so I decided that it would save time to dig into the bank twenty feet and use the poles I had bought as rafters for the roof , then covering them with tar paper and sod . Seltzer had said he would come and help any time I was ready , so the last time I was in Great Bend with a load of bones , I sent him a card saying I would be ready August 12 . That night , as my wife and I lay awake and listened to the coyote howl and discussed the things we would tell them when they came , she cuddled close and said , " There 's something you don 't know . I 'm going to have another baby . " It was such a surprise I don 't know to this day whether my reaction was of fear or joy . The antelope slept at the foot of our daughter 's bed . Then she said , " I wonder when it will be Mary 's turn . She 's such a wholesome , jolly girl , she won 't be afraid , and I 'm sure she 's anxious for it to happen . " When they arrived early Friday morning after driving most of the night , we sensed that they had something they wanted to tell us . After breakfast , I . G . ( as we always called him ) and I got busy with our work . After about an hour I said , " Go ahead and tell the great secret back of that grin . " He said , " All right , I will . Mary is going to have a baby . But don 't tell her I told you . She reserved that right for herself . " When I laughed , he said , " What 's funny ! " I said , " Just this , I . G . For once I can match you . Susie is going to have a baby too . He said , " When did you find out ? " I told him , " Last night . " He said , " What a coincidence . Mary told me on our way out . " Now that we had this off our chests , the work seemed to go much faster , and by noon we had made big inroads in the excavation . When the girls called us for dinner , we were ready for a rest . I think both of us felt a little guilty at having revealed their secrets . Mary 's greeting was , " I . G . , you 've told him . " He said , " What makes you think that ? " She said , " By the smug expression on both your faces ! " Everything went well . There was little snow , and we found the sod house very warm and comfortable . The wood I had cut from the log that had floated in was more than sufficient to keep us warm . My crops were better than I expected , so we had plenty of potatoes , cornmeal , and buckwheat for pancakes , but the wheat was a disappointment due to the continuation of the drought . AT CHRISTMAS we visited the Seltzers for two days and as isual had a wonderful time . The bond between the two women grew even stronger as they planned and discussed their pregnancies and the clothes they would need . I . G . told me that a man had come to the store late in November and said , " I understand the man who has the two pet antelope is a relative of yours . If so , tell him he can get a good price for them at the zoo . " I said , " Tell him I have nothing to sell . They are pets because they know they are free . I would not betray their trust or sell their freedom for any price . " Whether or not he was the man who had been bitten by the snake , we never knew . The one thing we were sure of was that the antelope gave us diversion when it was most needed , and we felt deeply in their debt . I will never forget a day in September when a change of wind brought the tumbleweed . The horses were so scared I had to tie them in the unfinished barn . But the antelope fairly danced with joy as though someone had handed them a new toy . They ran races with the windblown weed , and when they won they danced ecstatically as though waiting for applause . We slept under the wagon ; I can 't recall being uncomfortable . As we watched them , we laughed so hard that all our worries were forgotten . From that day on we lost our fear of isolation , for being close to nature was an awakening to the fact that civilization is a violation of every law of creation . Our first snow came early in January . The wind had changed to the northwest , and it became very cold . The sky was overcast , but the first we saw of the snow was a white mass creeping along over the prairie very much like fog over a lake . I put the horses in the barn and went to the house , where Susie and I could watch . When it reached us , it seemed to be coming from the ground . There were no individual flakes , just a swirling white mass pushed along by a wind so fast it had no time or place to land . I said , " Well , that will end the drought at least . " When it was over , in about an hour , we were surprised to see how little there was on the ground . My wife said , " If that 's a Kansas snowstorm , you can excuse me ! " There was one thing that worried me . If I was to stay long enough to prove up on my claim , I had to have a heavier team to do the plowing . Our situation became our main topic of discussion , and we decided to stay . They fell in love with my team and were anxious to make a trade . When I saw that the horses would be well treated , I decided to let them go . They offered to give me $ 100 and the oxen for my team . When I hesitated , they raised it to $ 125 . We closed at $ 140 cash , plus my harnesses , for their oxen and yoke . I knew that without horses , gathering bones was impossible , and was almost glad , for now I could concentrate on farming . I planned to cultivate at least sixty acres in addition to the twenty that I had plowed the year before . If the season was favorable I would be far ahead financially . So I worked with almost feverish haste . My only worry was lack of rain . There hadn 't been any all spring except a short sleet storm in March . One evening I came in for supper and found Susie crying . I said , " What 's the matter , dear , are you in pain ? " She said , " No , it 's nothing worth mentioning . If I could only see a hill or a tree or if that wind would stop blowing , I would be all right . " The next morning she said with a smile , " I was just lonely , I guess . " When I came in for supper , she had it ready , and was happy with the prospect of rain . About an hour after supper she said , " I don 't feel too well . " I asked if I should get Mrs . Ditton . She said , " It will pass . It 's not labor pains , just a false alarm , so let it go until morning . " At eight o ' clock it was getting quite dark , and by nine o ' clock she said , " Go get Mrs . Ditton . I 'm going to need her . " So I started . I could save time by going over the open prairie rather than following the creek . I was in a desperate hurry , so I took the chance . The night was so dark you couldn 't see a thing , not a star or a tree to guide you . After an hour I realized that I was totally lost . Then I tried to find my way back , but by this time I was so bewildered that I lost all sense of direction . Then I tried to circle , which only added to my confusion , mixed with a terrible feeling of guilt that somehow I had neglected the one person who loved and trusted me and that she might be dying because of it . I had stood at her side at every birth and knew how desperately she was suffering . At about five o ' clock I saw a light and headed for it . It was the Ditton place . When they heard my story they saddled a horse and Mrs . Ditton and I rode double , back to my place . We had no idea what we would find , but we feared the worst . YOU CAN hardly imagine our surprise when we opened the door , to see Susie smile and say , " Come look at your son . " When she turned the blanket down , there was a twelve - pound boy , as completely cared for as a doctor or nurse could have done . Mrs . Ditton went into action immediately . She examined the umbilical cord and found it successfully tied . Then came her examination of Susie , and the bed , which was not badly soiled . Then she said to Susie , " Don 't try to tell us now what happened , we can wait . The main thing is to get some rest . " Then she put her hand on Susie 's head and said , " You did a wonderful job . Now it 's my turn , so go to sleep and leave the rest to me . " Late that afternoon Susie told us her story . " After you left , I got everything ready for the birth , which I knew was imminent , and I knew you 'd be back soon with Mrs . Ditton . As the pains grew more frequent , I put a light in the window as a guide to hasten your coming . " When another hour passed and you still had not come , I realized that something must have happened , but I couldn 't imagine what it could be . As my pains increased , so did my worry about you . Then came the horrible realization that I had to face this thing alone . First I got scissors and thread and placed them in easy reach . By that time I could not stifle my moans , so I told the little girl to get on her cot and cover her head , and if I called to pretend not to hear , for I would be in bed . Then I got two picket ropes and tied them to the post at the foot of the bed . By this time I could stand no longer . " What happened from then on is rather vague . Except once , when I was pulling on the ropes in my greatest pain , I thought I saw you standing by the bed holding my hands as you always had before . This image stayed with me until after the head was born . With the easing of the pain I may have dropped to sleep , but if I did the cry of the baby brought me wide awake , and I instinctively knew what I had to do , and God gave me the strength to do it . The next thing that I remember was when you and Mrs . Ditton came into the room , and how glad I was to see you . THE RAIN that had looked so threatening on the night of the fourteenth veered to the southwest , and we got only a few sprinkles . While it did little for the crops , it revived our hopes , and Susie made a rapid recovery under the care of Mrs . Ditton , who came each day . My wife 's greatest worry seemed to be for Mary and the lack of news concerning her . Then on the eighteenth we got a surprise visit from I . G . , who said Mary had had a baby girl on the twelfth , and they had named her Minerva . When he saw our boy , he said , " Twin cousins ! What a coincidence ! But I beat you by three days . " When he saw how well Susie looked , he said , " I see you had good care too . " Susie said , " Yes , there 's no better nurse than Mrs . Ditton . " I took the hint and didn 't tell him of our experience . I asked him to tell me the latest prediction on the drought . He said , " I 'm sorry , but it doesn 't sound good . They are asking the farmers to make potatoes their main money crop , as they stand the best chance to survive the drought . " I had put myself in a spot where a good crop was my only salvation . That night I wrote Mr . Hunter a letter to confirm the rumor , which I . G . took to mail . April went by without rain , and I was getting desperate , when the agent from the homestead office brought the reply to my letter . It read : " Dear Mr . Trimm : I am sending this letter by messenger who can explain the contents . The reports on the drought are not as favorable as we could wish , but we are keeping in touch with the government and they promise a solution if the drought is not broken soon . " When I got in touch with the Dittons and told them what the agent had told me , he said , " To hell with it . I will go back to Ohio if it comes to that . But in the meantime I will have all the fun I can , and let the farming go . " On June 1 we got the final decision of the government on relief for the homesteader . They would grant a year 's absence from the claim providing one returned for a day during that time and filed a report of it in the homestead office . We could go back to Great Bend , return East , or do anything we chose for a year . Deep in my heart I know our Kansas venture was no failure . Again I called on Ditton for his decision , and when I found he had not decided , I made him a proposition . If he would furnish a team , and use my wagon , we would go fifty - fifty on hauling bones . It was a partnership we both enjoyed , and when he put his boys to work with his other team and wagon , he insisted on the partnership . The boys were satisfied , as it gave them extra money and a lot of fun . He and I both agreed that it was the most enjoyable and profitable experience we had had in Kansas . When I asked him about the timber claim , he said , " In this you are lucky . The government has suspended all planting of trees until after the drought , so you will get credit as though they were planted . " We both considered this very fair and vowed we would be back alter a year and give it another try . Now that we had the government leave , it was a question of what to do with it . My wife and I talked it over , pro and con , and decided we could go back to Pennsylvania for at least a visit , and if things became more favorable we could return . The more we thought about it , the greater our desire grew to see our friends in the East . The question was what to take and what to leave . With Ditton and Cornell going , as I was sure they would , that left no one within twelve miles to guard what we left . So we decided to take as much as we could to Ellinwood and sell or store it . We figured it would take three days to reach Ellinwood . We cooked our meals in the open over buffalo chips and slept wherever we preferred , in or out of the wagon . My wife and I preferred blankets on the ground under the wagon , with pillows for the nursing baby . I can 't recall that we were uncomfortable . The things that worried us most were uncertainty of the future and what to do when we got to Seltzer 's . I . G . and Mary were surprised when we told them that we were going back East for a visit . Then they filled us in on the news we had missed . One item was that my three sisters had clubbed together and bought back the farm I had sold . So we had a place waiting for us where we would be very welcome . When I told Seltzer I had decided to sell my oxen , he said , " Go over to the homestead office . I think he will buy your oxen . " At first the thought was repulsive , for I hadn 't forgotten our first meeting . I found him very cordial , and he promised to look them over . When he saw them he was greatly pleased and asked if he could also buy the wagon . Then he told me that most of the people who buy railroad land come by train and have no team . He asked my price . I said , " Make me an offer . " He said , " $ 150 . " Then I showed him the lucky plow and the took He raised his price $ 25 , and we closed the deal at $ 175 . Then he said , " That wagon is a godsend , as most of the people I sell to have no shelter until they build . " WHEN WE ARRIVED at Grand Valley , I was surprised to find it had become a booming oil town . Wages were high and work plentiful , and the home I had built was waiting for us . All my sisters asked in return was that I make a home for our mother and pay them back at my convenience . This was a pleasant arrangement for all concerned . I got a good job , and time went by so rapidly that I could hardly believe it was time to report back on my claim . When I talked it over with my wife , she said , " Do whatever you think is right . I am perfectly contented here . " When I got ready to go , I bought a ticket directly to Hays City , where I reported to Mr . Hunter . There I found that the Dittons and Cornell had left their claims , and the drought had not abated . He suggested that the agent and I ride out to the homestead , stay all night , and report back , and he would decide what there was to do . Some may say our Kansas venture was a failure , but deep in my heart I know it was not . It taught us that contentment and peace of mind are man 's greatest achievement , and that adventure is but a fleeting pleasure without value or compensation , except in the recesses of memory , to be recalled when one reviews his life and is looking for the exciting moments . In that sense our experience was a great success . |
In the cab on the way back to her apartment , Elizabeth let out a long , shaky sigh as she fingered the little award on her lap . " I 'm so glad that 's over . I was a complete basket case over this whole thing . " She sighed again , sniffed , and leaned on his shoulder as his arm tucked around her . " Thanks for making me go . I would never have had the guts to do that without you . " All the way back to her place , Jonathon fought with himself . She was so beautiful , and he was so in love with her . But there were still barriers between them . He felt them although he didn 't at all understand them . At her apartment , it was the strangest thing in the world to him . Had she been any other girl he had ever been out with , he would know the script right through waking up in her bed the next morning . But she wasn 't any other girl . She was Elizabeth , and that threw the script right out the window . On the sidewalk , she turned to him rather than letting him go up with her like she normally did . She pushed a strand of hair over her ear . " Thanks again for going with me . " His heart jumped and then plummeted when he realized this was her way of saying goodnight . " You 're welcome . " Every single signal in his brain was screaming to kiss her . It hurt not to . Still those barriers were undeniable . Gently , he put his hand at her neck , twining his fingers through her hair . Then , although it wasn 't at all what he wanted to do , he leaned forward and kissed her forehead . He felt the whoosh of air slide from her body . When he backed up to look at her , preparing himself to say goodnight and get back in the cab , he was not at all ready for there to be tears shining in her eyes . " Elizabeth ? What 's wrong ? " Seeing this wasn 't some one - sentence send - off , he nodded . " Hold that thought . " Like lightning he went back to the cab , paid the driver , and sent him on his way . Back at her side , he took her hand and then put his arm all the way around her . " Come on . " The honest truth was Elizabeth was tired . She was tired of the lies , tired of being something she was not , tired of leading him on when she had no hope of ever making this work . All the way up to her apartment , she simply let the numbness of hopes consistently dashed envelope her . If she could just convince herself that she did not care about him , that he did not care about her , she could trash them both and not have to deal with this every time she looked at him . She never so much as slowed down at her door , and before she really thought it all the way through , he was there with her . The thought that she should at least try to be a good hostess drifted through her . " Do you want something - to drink or something ? " " I didn 't come for the beverages , " he said softly . " Here . " He took them to the couch where he pulled her down with him . A moment , another , and he looked at her . " I want to know . " He exhaled hard . " I know you don 't want to tell me . I can see that . You don 't want to tell anybody , but you 've got to let somebody in Elizabeth . You 've got to . This whole isolation strategy you have going is not healthy . Those people tonight , they wanted to love you so much , and yet you all but talked yourself out of even going . I don 't understand that . " A breath and his gaze came to her , burning there . " But I want to . " Her heart twisted through the memories , wringing them out of her like a dirty sponge . How could she tell him what she really was ? How could she say those words and admit the things she had done ? It was one thing to tell him to get lost . It was another to know how disappointed in her he would be . The fork in the road split before her . She knew she had to tell him if for no other reason than to let him go on with his own life . Pushing the tears away , she stood , wrapped her arms over themselves , and stepped over to the grime - covered window cloaked with the scratchy gold and orange curtain . She didn 't even move it so she could see out , but she hardly noticed . " Dr . Marsh remembered me because I didn 't exactly come here like most students do . " She turned and leaned on the wall but didn 't look up . " I was basically a runaway . I had no parents , no money , no admission tests saying I would make a fine addition to their institution . Nothing . " Nodding slowly , she let the memories wind around her . " All I had was the word of a woman who had pulled my life from the fire and was trying to keep it from falling in again . " Numbness overtook everything else . " Her name was Sister Clarise . She was the chaplain of the Pine Street Salvation Army . I 'd been living with her for nearly a year at that point , struggling to get through high school and to stay off the streets . I slept in her room , on the floor , and I worked the soup kitchen when I wasn 't at school . " Elizabeth lifted her gaze to his for a second , smiled slightly , and then let both fall again . " It really wasn 't so bad most of the time . " Her hands fell from her arms in front of her , and her fingers fidgeted together . Reliving these years of her life even in words was difficult . She knew that it said so much about her , and she hated every word . " Sister Clarise was a good friend of Dr . Avery , who was the department head at the time . I think they were on some kind of city board for the homeless or something like that . Apparently she mentioned me to him , and they talked about how I was an avid reader but in major danger of having to drop out of school because of everything else . " So , he came to the soup kitchen one day . I didn 't even know who he was then . I sure didn 't know he was some big , important guy from a college , that 's for sure . That night , after everyone was fed , they asked me to come back into the little kitchen office to talk . I had no clue how drastically that hour would change my life . " She laughed . " He interviewed me right there in my torn , second - hand clothes that smelled like soup and the streets , and then between the two of them , they mapped out a plan to have me get my GED and start at Central by the fall . I thought they were both crazy , but I trusted Sister Clarise so fully , I couldn 't rightly say no . Besides , I think I 'd pretty much worn out my welcome on her floor . " Elizabeth smiled again as the memories became better and better . " I 'm not sure which of them was more determined to get me through school . And I sure didn 't want to disappoint them , so I took classes every waking hour and worked every sleeping one . " Her hand slipped up her arm and her fingers pulled slowly through her hair . " By the time I made graduate school , they offered me a teaching position , and here I am . " Jonathon looked at her for a long moment , the pieces of what she was telling him both fitting and not . He decided to start with the most obvious question because there were so many that begged to be answered . " Your mom … ? " Not knowing if it was appropriate , or smart , or even if she would run , he couldn 't help himself . He stood from the couch and stepped over to her . A foot from her , he tilted his head to look right at her , and seeing the fight in her eyes , he gently put his hands on her arms . " Hey . If you don 't want to tell me , that 's okay . I 'll understand . " She looked up at him then , and her eyes were pools of anguish . Her breathing snagged on the tears , and blinking them back , she simply stepped into his arms . The whine of her crying was like the frightened meow of a newborn kitten . It raked every ounce of his deep need to protect her from him . Overpowering concern poured through him as he held her in his embrace . He felt her tears , smelled them , and heard every single one . He laid his cheek against the top of her head and stroked her hair as she let them all out . " Shh . It 's okay . " Whatever it was , it was bad . Of that and only that , he was sure . The previous revelations of the evening were already enough to set his mind on permanent spin - cycle , and at the moment he was less than sure that they could make it through all of this to the other side . But the one thing he was sure of is that he would stand here and be here for her no matter what . " I was about six when I first heard the word whore . " The words , her words , were a mere breath . " I remember that day so clearly . I was in my room , as I always was when my mom had someone over . I don 't know who he was . I don 't know that I ever even saw the man . It probably doesn 't matter who he was , but I wonder about that sometimes . But he was right outside my door , and he was yelling at my mom about something that I didn 't even really understand at the time . He kept calling her a whore and telling her he was going to kill her if she ever told him no again … " The exhale escaped through the helplessness . " Oh , Elizabeth … " Jonathon reached out to put his hand on her shoulder , but she twisted to shrug it off and pulled both of her shoulders up closer to her ears , huddling into herself as she did so . " No . " She sniffed and then wiped her eyes . " I don 't even know why it gets to me now . It shouldn 't . It 's what I grew up with . It 's all I ever really knew . She would have a couple guys a night come in . Her bedroom was on the other side of the wall from mine , and I pretty much heard everything . When I was little and she 'd send me to my room because some guy was coming , I 'd get in bed and pull the covers up over my head , and I 'd sing to myself real quiet so I couldn 't hear them . I didn 't know what was going on , not really , and I really didn 't want to know . She always threatened me that I was not to come out of my room for any reason , and I didn 't … even that night with the guy who was going to kill her . I swear the place could 've burned down around me , and I wouldn 't have come out of that room . " As I got older , it got harder and harder to pretend that I didn 't know what was going on . I didn 't want to know , but I did . That 's when I started reading in my room . I 'd lock myself in there , and it was great because I could lose myself in the words . They put up a good barrier between me and the awfulness of everything else . I read everything I could get my hands on from the library - Huck Finn , Great Expectations , To Kill a Mockingbird , even The Sound and the Fury although I don 't think I ever really understand much of that one . Then I found Pride & Prejudice . " I 'm not sure if I 'd ever read a real romance at that point . I don 't remember if I had . The librarian at school was my recommendation source , and she wasn 't much on romance . " Elizabeth laughed at her own joke . " But when I found Pride … it gave me hope for the first time that there could be a Mr . Darcy , and he would look past my family and my situation and love me anyway . " She glanced at Jonathon . " As stupid as that sounds , it gave me hope . " She lifted her eyebrows in consideration of that and then let them fall . " I bet I read the library copy 50 times before I checked it back in . When I 'd get home , I 'd sit behind my bed and just read and read and read until the last guy left . A lot of times that was midnight or after , and then I 'd go to sleep . When the librarian told me I had to give it back after I 'd checked it out four time in a row , I freaked . I had to have that book . " On the way home from school I 'd walk by the soup kitchen . I was only like 13 at the time , and who 's going to hire a 13 - year - old , you know ? But volunteer . I thought maybe I could volunteer enough so that they might give me some pocket change that I could save and buy that book . That 's when I met Sister Clarise . " This smile was soft . " She was a reader too , and when I told her what I wanted to do , she offered to help me ' build my library . ' That 's what she called it , and I couldn 't even imagine having a library of my own at the time , but it sounded so grown up and so wonderful that I caught onto the dream . " We would go down on Saturday afternoon together to the used bookstore , and she 'd let me pick out what I wanted in ' payment ' for my work . I probably worked 40 hours for a two - dollar book , but I didn 't care . Those books were my lifeline . They were my sanity . " Then a hideous darkness fell across her face again , and it was all Jonathon could do not to reach out to her . But he knew she would only brush him off , so he didn 't . Instead , he stood , listening and trying to comprehend the life she was now describing . " When I was fifteen , I came home from school one day and found one of mom 's clients in the hallway . " Her words were once again barely breaths . It was like listening to a ghost . " He said he was waiting for her , that they had an appointment scheduled . I know this sounds so stupid , and I 've been through that moment a million times in my head about what I should 've done or could 've done or whatever , but it always comes back to what I did do - I let him in . " The pause in the story pulled every fragment of compassion in him to the surface . To be able to go back there , to that moment , and protect her - he would 've given his life to do that . Yet , what he could do seemed so very , very insignificant in the face of everything she was telling him . Still , almost without breathing , he waited . " I don 't know , I never knew , if he was really there to see Mom . I don 't know even now . Part of me wants to believe he was , part of me pretty much knows he wasn 't . " This part was easier , Elizabeth reasoned . She 'd managed so much distance from it in the ensuing years that it hardly seemed like she 'd lived it at all . However , she wrapped her arm around herself and twined her fingers up through her hair just the same . " When it was over , he laid fifty bucks on the bed and told me he 'd had better . " Her laugh started off humorous , but it raked through the emotions she 'd kept buried for so long that her face crumpled into it and the tears came up again . Be strong , Elizabeth . Guys don 't want a whiner and a complainer . For pity sakes , don 't start blubbering over all of it again . Fighting it all , she shook her hair back , trying desperately to take a breath that wouldn 't yank up more tears . And it almost worked until she looked at him . It was barely a glance , but there was such compassion and concern in his deep eyes that the tears overwhelmed her resolve . This time she didn 't just let him hold her . She grabbed for him , feeling the riptide of emotions yanking her down into them . " I knew it was wrong , " she gasped . " I knew what he was doing , what I was doing was wrong , but I was so scared . I was scared he would hurt me that if I didn 't do what he said … " Time ceased to exist then as tears upon tears washed over her . She 'd always known they would take her down with them if she ever let them start . It 's why she 'd never allowed herself to go back to that horrible moment . Now that she had , she had the sensation that she might in fact drown in the tears before the last one came up . However , there came a time after many minutes that the tears began to release their hold on her although Jonathon never did . Several more spilled over before she could sniff and gather her wits to her again . She backed up and ran her wrist under her nose . She was a mess , and she knew it . His gaze was rock solid on hers . " Now you listen to me , what happened that day was not your fault . " The statement was laced with anger and concern . " He took advantage of a young vulnerable child , and what happened is laid one hundred percent at his doorstep . You hear me ? " " Elizabeth . " He spoke her name with a firm command . " Don 't . Don 't do that to yourself . First of all , you were too young to make that kind of decision for yourself . Second of all , he had the weight of physical violence toward you on his side of that equation . You did what you had to do to get out of a horrible situation . " Her gaze fell . After a moment and a shaky breath , her resolute resolve picked her gaze up to his . And she held it there despite the churning of the emotions inside her . " When he was gone , I put some clothes in a plastic shopping bag , grabbed my copy of Pride and left . " She didn 't want it to , but her gaze fell anyway . " I never went back . " When she looked at him again , he was nodding . The fragments of horrible she had laid at his doorstep swam in his eyes . She hated that he knew now , that she could see in his eyes that he knew . Most of all , she hated knowing that they would be there in his eyes forever . " I 'm sorry , " she said , shaking her head and forcing a smile . " I shouldn 't have kept you so long . You really need to be getting home . " It was those barriers again . Going up like battle raiments . She was so good at putting them up at a second 's notice . Jonathon felt the brush off , but this time , here , he wasn 't nearly so apt to respond to it the way he might have before . " Don 't do that . " " You 're kidding , right ? " Determination not to be put off as easily as he had been in the past solidified inside him . " Yes , you do , Elizabeth . The second I start to get close , you go all propriety and correctness on me . Why do you do that ? " She shook her head back and pulled her gaze up to his . There was a challenge there and a distance . " You 're just a student of mine . Some guy I met in a class . Why are you even still here , listening to this junk ? I 've told you all this horrible stuff about me , some that I 've never even told anybody else , and yet , you 're still here . " " Why ? " As he watched , she reached over and slid her fingers over the orange and gold curtain . It looked a million years old and about as soft . Her gaze flickered up to his but only that . " I never really knew either of my parents , not really like most kids do anyway . My friends at school barely knew I existed . There was Sister Clarise and Dr . Avery , but they 're both gone now . I just can 't figure out why you haven 't left yet . I would have by now . " " Look at you , " he said , straining to keep the emotions in check , " you practically spill your blood for your students . You work night and day . You all but live at that school . You put more effort into your classes than anyone I know , and yet you never give yourself even a second 's worth of credit for any of it . " " Don 't you see ? You are a good and worthy person . Yes , junk happened to you , yes it was horrible , but you survived it , and you used it not to get bitter and angry but as a reason to help make other peoples ' lives better . " Then he did reach out to her because he couldn 't help himself . " I saw Kelsi tonight . I saw the way she looked at you - the admiration and the gratefulness , the hope that you gave her . You did that . Not Dr . Avery or even Sister Clarise . You did it . " " And that is the most awesome thing in the world . But , at some point , you have to realize that if all you ever do is give , eventually you will run completely dry . " His legs begged then for some rest , so he pulled her with him to the couch . " Come here . " Seated , he angled his knees until they were almost touching hers . Then he took her hands in his . " These hands care so much , and your spirit is so in tune with life and with love that it overflows into everything you do . But you can 't give and give and give and expect not to ever need anything in return . " " I know , but when it does come back , you have to open your heart to accept it . " He lowered his gaze until it was locked with hers . " I saw you tonight , up there , and you were amazing . I mean just what you said about how our lives touch those and how we have the opportunity to help them believe in themselves . That was incredible . And you do that so naturally . Sometimes it totally blows me away . But then when people congratulate you , you act like it 's stupid for them to even say the words . That 's not fair to them , Elizabeth . It 's not . It hurts when someone wants to love you and you won 't let them . It makes them close their arms a little rather than open them more . " " I know . " His gaze was so soft as it held hers . " But it 's what you 're doing when you won 't let people in . " When she took a breath , tired came over her for real . " I don 't mean to do that . I just don 't know how to do what you 're saying - how to accept . " Attachments based on outward appearances and proximity of connections may look good on the outside , but only those made with the heart will last into eternity . Anne found out that ultimately the love she had given to Captain Wentworth did not die for lack of these outward things that were thought so essential in her time . Instead it was her love for him that withstood everything time and the world threw at it . When she declares that a man 's love is fickle and that a woman 's love is deeper , she has no way of knowing that Wentworth too is in a conundrum of desperate unexpressed love for her . The true crux of the issue between these two is not that they do not love each other . It is that love unexpressed can never be accepted and returned . That is a gap that only total honesty can ever bridge … Elizabeth laid her head back on her couch and looked from his paper to where he had stood by her window the night before . It was still nearly impossible to believe that those few moments hadn 't been some elaborate dream . She had told him about her past and far from running , he had asked her , challenged her to open her soul even further to him . She smiled at the thought . How could she open much more than she already had ? For the first time ever , she wasn 't afraid at the prospect of doing that - with him . It made her smile a real smile that finally , at last set her soul at rest . " I thought that would be obvious by now . " He opened the library door for her . " I just want to know . What ? Like a 90 percent ? 75 ? 25 ? What ? " When she looked over at him , she couldn 't stop the gratefulness . Carefully , she put her hand across until it was atop his wrist . " You 're doing just fine . " Pulling her hand back , she busied herself with getting her things out . " In fact , if you want to know the whole truth , you 're doing better than fine . I think you missed your calling . " His eyebrows shot up . " English ? I don 't think so . I just got lucky this time to have a very forgiving teacher who is seriously considering going out with me on Friday . " He tilted his head to the side and gazed at her with amusement . " You didn 't hear that ? Oh , yeah . It 's this wild rumor going around that she is secretly hoping I would ask her out , but I didn 't want to say anything , you know , unless she might consider saying yes . " Taking her very sanity in her hands , she stopped her movement , then laid her arms crosswise on the table , and looked at him . " Well , I think there 's only one way to really know . I think you have to get up your courage and ask . " " Ah . " He lifted his chin , and for a moment her heart all but stopped . " Well , I 'd better get to reading . " Breaking the spell between them , he reached down into his satchel to get out his book . " I hear this one is really good . " Disappointment and confusion rained through her . Wasn 't he just going to ask her out ? Had she misread what he was saying and humiliated herself by bolstering his ego saying she would say yes when he wasn 't even really asking what she thought he was asking ? " Yes , I believe it is , " she said softly , melting back into her own world . " This may not be a fair thing to bring up , " Jonathon said on Thursday , " I don 't want to spoil it for anyone , but I thought that line by Wickham was interesting . ' The world is blinded by his fortune and consequence , or frightened by his high and imposing manners , and sees him only as he chooses to be seen . ' He 's talking about Mr . Darcy of course , and there is a real effort to bring Mr . Darcy down in Elizabeth 's eyes , but it 's interesting that he uses the words ' chooses to be seen . ' " " How so ? " Elizabeth asked from down front . It was odd how comfortable this now seemed . The pretending she didn 't see him or hoping he wasn 't looking at her had stopped almost completely . She did see him , and she made no apologies for that . " Well , Mr . Darcy looks to the outside world to be this high - minded , proud , egotistical jerk . But after you 've read the book , when you get back to this part , you see that 's not what 's really going on . I don 't think he chooses to be seen this way so much as his distrust of why people want to be around him makes him appear as if he 's proud and hateful . I think we often misjudge people like that . We see the outside , and we assume that X behavior means they are Y . Like Mr . Darcy . Elizabeth assumes that being stand - offish and quiet means he is proud and unapproachable . But it might mean he 's shy and not very good with new situations and people . " " Well , Darcy 's not exactly being nice to her , " Adam said . " What 'd he say at the dance that she wasn 't good enough for him ? There 's a great way to win friends and influence people - not to mention get a girlfriend . " " Doesn 't matter . He shouldn 't have said it , " Adam said . " He was just being the stuck - up snob , and I don 't blame Elizabeth for thinking he is exactly what he acts like he is . " " I don 't know about anybody else , but personally I 'm rooting for Wickham , " Susana said . " He seems like a really good guy . Very stable , and a real gentleman . Like someone who could totally sweep a girl right off her feet and make her forget being sensible . " The statement took Elizabeth so totally off guard that she felt the color drain from her face . Fighting to recover , she shook her hair back off her shoulder . " Any other thoughts ? " " How Susana could be taken in by Wickham is beyond me ! " Jonathon said with a passion infusing the words as they walked to the library that took Elizabeth by complete surprise . " He is about slick as a baby seal . " " Because he wasn 't … Well , okay he was , but … So was Marianne . Not that she was bad , but she was just carefree and having fun . She wasn 't Elizabeth . Elizabeth is way too smart to fall for Wickham 's charms and schemes . " He opened the door for her . " You give them the chance to show their true colors and you watch very carefully . Who somebody really is will always come to light . My dad used to say , ' Always listen to a man 's actions more than to his words . Actions show a man 's true character no matter what he says . ' " Jonathon shrugged . " Of course , he was a fine one to talk . " Elizabeth wanted to ask . The question was right there , but the words stuck in her throat . " Don 't you think that 's easier said than done ? " " Take me for example , " he continued as if his talk button was set on fast forward . " There was a time I could and would sell an oceanfront view in Omaha for the right price . I 'm not proud of that now , but I could , and I did . I was never outwardly malicious with it , just not always upright and honest about it , but I could have been if I 'd wanted to - just like Wickham . " He sat without saying anything for a solid minute . " Conned may be going a little far , but no , I didn 't really think about them much at all until recently . Look up the term selfish in the dictionary , and my picture used to be smiling back at you . " He pulled forward on his elbows . " This is really bad , but I always kind of thought people who were dumb enough to listen to me deserved what they were getting . It was an ego boost in a lot of ways . I didn 't really care about them - just how they had what I wanted and what did I have to say or do to get talk them into giving it to me . " It was then , as Jonathon watched her , that the understanding she was again withdrawing into her shell crawled over him . He exhaled and shook his head . " I 'm sorry . Too much information there , I 'm sure . " The distance in her voice ran him through . A moment and he pulled forward as concern for the ashen look on her face gripped him . " Then what is it ? " Her glance up did nothing to assuage the understanding that he 'd really messed up this time . What was he thinking telling her all of that ? That 's a great way to sweep her off her feet , Jonathon - I 'm a certified jerk , want to go out with me ? Her shoulder came up near her ear . " Why do they do that to girls ? Don 't they realize what that does when you let yourself trust them like that ? " " No . " Picking his chair up , he moved it around the table to just perpendicular to her . " You know by now that I want to know - good , bad , horrible . I don 't care . If it 's bothering you , I want to know . " She looked at him with sad , scared eyes , and then let her gaze fall to her fingers . " You remember Dr . Nevell ? The guy who showed up here that day . " " I had just started graduate school . He was the top graduate assistant , kind of the coordinator of the graduate teachers . " She continued staring at her fingers and how anyone could be so , so still , he had no idea . It worried him more than he could put into words . No tears . No fit . No movement . Just hollow and heartbreaking words . " After one of my classes one day , he asked me out for coffee . I thought we were going to talk lesson plans and grading systems . He had other ideas . " This exhale was short and required only to keep her words coming . " I knew him before that , of course , and I 'd always respected him . Everybody did . He seemed so together and charming . Just the kind of guy I 'd always hoped to find . " She glanced up , presumably to see if he was still listening . She needn 't have worried . Her gaze fell before she continued . " He told me he really liked me , and like an idiot , I was so flattered I would 've driven off a cliff for him . " This exhale was wrapped around pain and tears . Sniffing once , she came back to center . " I don 't think it was more than three days before he talked me into going back to my place after class . " The disturbing numbness returned . Then quietly , she laughed a sad , sarcastic snort . " He didn 't even leave fifty dollars . " Defeated surrender slid through her eyes when she looked at him . " I was so stupid . I really thought he loved me … " It required no thought at all as he moved to her . " Hey . Shh . Come here . " His hand slid to her neck and then to her shoulder as he pulled her into his embrace . Her tears were silent but made her quake just the same . He buried his nose and mouth into the undulating curls that slid down both shoulders , holding her grief and nuzzling right to her ear . " Nevell is a first class idiot . Don 't let him pull you down to his level . " " And so should 've he . He had no right to do that . " Jonathon moved back slightly so he could look at her . " Now , you listen to me . Running yourself into the ground and not trusting yourself now because of what happened back then aren 't going to give you that choice back . The question is not did you make a mistake . The question is , did you learn from it ? " He looked up at her hair and brushed it tenderly from her forehead . " Then I think it 's time to forgive you for that mistake and move on . " His gaze came back to hers as hers lifted to his . Softly he smiled at her . " Don 't you think ? " A moment , another , and then she nodded . A pain - filled smile came to her face followed in the next second by a wave of tears . Without words , he simply pulled her back into his embrace , his brain saying only one thing over and over , No wonder . Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . 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My recent posts have been a little somber and it 's time for a little change of pace . This brick was part of the front steps of our old house . I looked down and thought it was going to break off . When I looked closer I thought the green running the length of the crack looked interesting . Of course , I had to take a photo of it . The last time I ever made an attempt to speak to my mom about my childhood , she simply swept aside my concerns and feelings . I knew it was going to happen , but I tried anyway . The last words she had to say on the subject were , " Why do people always blame their parents for their problems ? " I wasn 't blaming her for anything . I just wanted her to tell me she was aware that my childhood was utter hell . I should have included this with yesterday 's poem . As you may or may not know ( depending on how long you 've read my blog ) , my mom was an insane and brutal woman . She hated me because she hated my dad . I hated her because she abused me . I don 't know why , but I felt some sense of responsibility related to helping her out when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor . I take it back ; I do know why , I did it because I was dysfunctional as all hell . I checked in on her a couple of times a day . I either brought her food , or cooked it at her house . One day I walked into her place and caught her trying to shoot herself in the head . I knew she carried a pistol in her purse and I had taken it away from her for just this reason . I had no idea she had a spare . She couldn 't take the safety off and was trying to figure it out when I walked in the door . I took it away from her . I also discovered that she had just cut all of our family photos and her cash into tiny pieces . Maybe it was the wrong reaction , but I got very angry at her . I was going well out of my way to help a woman I didn 't even like and she was going to have me walk in and discover her dead , with her brains splattered on the wall ? She was in no pain at this point , so maybe it was to be her final act of hatred towards me . One of the strangest design features I 've ever seen on a building . When I rapped my knuckles against it , it seemed totally hollow . I also think it could be climbed . One hot summer day ( many years ago ) , John Avoletta ( RIP ) , Scott Jamison , and myself were out in Scott 's ski boat all day drinking and cruising around . We started at the Long Beach Marine Stadium and drank our way about 20 miles south to Huntington Harbor and back . There are a few bars along the way that have their own docks for those who feel the need to drink and navigate the high sea . That is what we did . On the return trip , we were already " three sheets to the wind " when we arrived at Marina Pacifica in Long Beach , to stop at yet another watering hole . Houlihans was a very large and crowded bar that had it 's own dock . Scott and John went directly into the bar . Because I had very recently " checked the prop " and was still wet , I told them to go ahead , because I wanted to dry off and change out of my trunks and into my shorts . A few minutes later , I entered the very crowded bar . When I came through the door , everybody stood up and gave me an loud ovation . I didn 't understand , until I looked to my rear and noticed that the wall facing the water was all glass . the entire place saw me in my birthday suit while I changed . I never even noticed the windows . . . Obviously they were bees . They swarmed around the front of our house for a minute or two and then started landing on an inside branch of a pygmy date palm in our front yard . After about 15 minutes there was a huge squirming mass of them formed into a ball . We were worried because there are many kids and families who walk in front of our house every day . We called the city thinking they would send someone out to take them away . Wrong ! The lady said to leave them alone . She also told us that bees swarm like this because a " new " queen has been born and the colony must split up . They are only looking for a new home . They don 't want to stay in a palm tree , so they are just spending a day or two until they find a more suitable place to live . In the meantime , because this isn 't their " real " home , they aren 't territorial and won 't be aggressive at all . They won 't sting anything or anybody , unless they are attacked . Leave them alone was her advice . Last Thursday it was in the mid 90 's here . We had hot sun , black clouds , lightning , thunder , rain , brushfires , and rainbows . Put them all together and we had this . . . I PROMISE these photos are not touched up or enhanced in the slightest bit . The ocean is just over the hill in the distance . In addition to the light shining directly at us from behind that hill , it also reflects off the ocean which is only a few miles away . A double whammy of light . Add a little smoke in the air from the brush fires and oh man ! The blog I want to introduce to you is " The Great Canadian Model Builders Web page . " The blog is run by Warren Zoell . He is not just a model builder , he has elevated model building into an art form . The detail and paint work is amazing . In addition , he also provides very short narratives that relate to the actual full - size item . Warren started the blog to chronicle his projects for himself . I somehow stumbled upon it and was amazed . If you are at all interested in the subject , or like when any subject is taken to it 's zenith . Then this is for you . . . . PLEASE do me a favor and check it out ! We couldn 't bring ourselves to eat any fast food . It made no sense . Because most of buymebarbies relatives still live in Japan , we mostly eat home cooking when there . Last time there we also ate at a fantastic Russian restaurant , a Korean BBQ , several Japanese places , and a Chinese restaurant . All were excellent . But nothing topped the home made meals . Not only did it save us a ton of money , it is also nice to live as they do . The Japanese food you find in American Sushi Restaurants is available everywhere in Japan , but it 's not how they eat everyday . I almost forgot about the pizza ! Yes , they have pizza , but it is not quite the same . The crust was identical , but that 's where the similarities end . We ordered two of them . One was a squid pizza and the other was a mayonnaise . The squid was pretty good , but by the time I was done with one piece of mayo pizza , I was about ready to lose it all . . . In 1986 , Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush , he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air . The elephant seemed distressed , so Peter approached it very carefully . He got down on one knee , inspected the elephants foot , and found a large splinter of wood deeply embedded in it . As carefully and as gently as he could , Peter worked the wood out with his knife , after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot . The elephant turned to face him and with a rather curious look on its face , stared at him for several tense moments . Peter stood frozen , thinking of nothing else but being trampled . Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly , turned , and walked away . Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day . Twenty years later , Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son . As they approached the elephant enclosure , one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were now standing . The large bull elephant stared at Peter , lifted its front foot off the ground , then put it down . The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly , all the while staring at the man . Remembering the encounter in 1986 , Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant . Peter summoned up his courage , climbed over the railing , and made his way into the enclosure . He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder . The elephant trumpeted again , wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing , killing him instantly . I 'm thinking it probably wasn 't the same elephant . . . - - - - - - - - - - - - I 've created two new pages on my blog over the last few days . Under the main header ( or just above this post ) there are four links to pages , one of them is for Boot Camp and one is for Vietnam . Most of you haven 't seen or read the Vietnam posts . I promise that there is very little blood and gore . It 's mostly just a continuation of the crazy things that happen to me . One particularly gloomy and overcast morning we were making our way up the fire break that went over " Old Smokey . " " Making our way up " is a relative term because the ground was wet and slick , so we were actually struggling to keep going . Walking , climbing , or crawling . But always upwards ! I was pretty much busy in my own little private hell , just trying to keep up the pace ; one foot in front of the other . The only sounds to be heard were the muttered curses and labored breathing of those ahead and behind me . At least those were the only sounds until the all hell broke loose . . . A guy uphill from me either lost his footing , his balance , or both . All I know is he was rolling down the trail very quickly , and picking up speed as he went . That was bad enough in itself , but he was knocking guys down as he rolled . As he rolled past me , he was screaming and had a look of terror on his face . He wasn 't actually " rolling , " it more like a half roll , half bounce . He still had his pack and gear on and it made for a very rough ride down the hill . The second guy joined him on his trip down the hill . It was both terrifying and hilarious at the same time . I know , I know . . . I 'm a sick bastard , but I couldn 't help it . It was like these two were rolling down hill like human bowling balls , on some perverted bowling alley knocking down human bowling pins as they went . They actually didn 't roll that far , but there were plenty of bruises to go around . Thankfully nobody was badly hurt . We laughed about the incident for the rest of our infantry training and beyond . For the life of me I can 't remember if we got a short leave after boot camp or we had to go directly to infantry training . I " think " we went to infantry training . Either way we left MCRD with our once - worn dress uniforms and thinking we were bad ass Marines ! That may seem like a negative , but that 's exactly what they wanted us to think ! Boot camp took place at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego . Infantry training took place at Camp Pendleton about 30 miles or so up the coast . I was assigned to Lima Company , 2nd Battalion , 2nd Infantry Training Regiment . In boot camp we trained as a platoon . In infantry training we trained as a company ( 4 platoons ) . I remember arriving at the barracks area ( Quonset huts again ! ) and noticing that we were surrounded by hills . I just knew we 'd be humping and running around those hills until we dropped . I was certainly proven to be right about that . Because I had been promoted out of boot camp I was lucky enough ( yeah , right ! ) to be given the assignment of platoon leader ( or something close to that ) . There was a troop handler who was really in charge , and they had us ( the trainee " platoon leaders " ) to do some of their grunt work . You could tell the troop handlers from everybody else because they wore brightly colored helmet liners most of the time . I think my Sergeant 's helmet was green metal flake . I know his name was Frank Bignami . The troop handlers didn 't let us forget that we were fresh out of boot camp and didn 't yet know squat . They weren 't as mean as drill instructors and didn 't expect us to act like recruits but they still made sure we knew our place . If one of us called them Sir , they would let us know straight away that they weren 't officers , and just to call them by their rank and name . The first time I spoke to Sgt . Bignami I called him Sir and he told me that he had too much integrity to be an officer , so please don 't call him sir , like he was one . I thought that was a great and funny line and I never forgot it . Sgt . Bignami could be pretty stern with us but he did a good job helping us make the transition from boot to marine . He was usually a pretty good guy ( compared to Drill Instructors ) and was fairly nice to us most of the time , but he did do one thing to me that I resented . I 'll get to that later . The best things about ITR were the weapons . If there was a weapon we each didn 't get to personally use in ITR , I can 't remember what it was . We shot bazookas , LAW rockets , grenade launchers , machine guns , flame throwers , rifles , and pistols . We got to throw grenades and set up claymore mines . We got to shoot at rifle ranges , live fire simulated patrols , and at night . We pretty much shot the place up . That part was an absolute blast . We also did a whole lot of humping around Camp Pendleton . Camp Pendleton is a huge place , and very hilly . When the company is moving from one place to another we generally marched there . When we got off the paved roads and into the hills the instructors would give us the command to " route step . " In a nutshell that means even though you pretty much stay in your company formation while marching , you no longer had to stay in step . This got to be very interesting when doing it in the hills . If you were the first platoon you just walked up a hill and down the other side . But if you weren 't with the first group to go over the hill you tended to bunch up at the bottom of the hill because the people in front of you slowed down as they climbed . By the time you got to the top of the hill you had to literally run like hell to catch up with the formation because the people in front of you were speeding down the back side of the hill while you were still waiting to climb the front side of it . It was hard work being anywhere in the formation but the front of the first platoon . The further back you were , the harder it was . It was hard enough when the weather was good , but when it was bad , and the trail or dirt road was muddy , it was incredibly hard . As luck would have it , bad luck that is , my time in ITR coincided with a very rainy period . Well , rainy by southern California standards that is . . We were slipping and sliding all over Camp Pendleton . The things I liked best about ITR were the weapons training and the fact that I lived close enough to my home town to make it there fairly often . Don 't get me wrong , there was also misery to be had in ITR as well . The star of that show was a bump on the map called " Old Smokey . " Old Smokey was very steep hill . It was hard to climb at anytime , but with full gear on it was extremely hard . With full gear on and when it was muddy it was hell and almost impossible . Although it was officially known as " Old Smokey , " most trainees referred to it as " Mount Mother Fucker . " HapI remember one time I was trying to heat up a " c - rations " meal with " heat tabs " and it was so rainy I did it under my poncho . It was like being in a gas chamber and I was starting to get overcome by the fumes . Thanks to Sgt . Bignami who saw what I was doing and stopped me , I was probably saved a trip the medical unit or worse . You 'd have thought that my experiences in the boot camp gas chamber would have wised me up on that subject . Oh well . . . As I said , it was rainy and cold during my time in ITR . However wee were rolling along and were about half way through . One morning after reveille I walked back through my platoon 's Quonset huts making sure everybody had made their racks and was out of the heads and on their way to formation . Every thing was in order so I went out to the company formation . There was one guy missing from the formation and Sgt . Bignami said that the two of us would go looking for him . I was thinking he might be in the head . We walked through there and the guy was no where to be seen . He asked me if his rack was made up and I told him that it was . He said maybe the guy had gone AWOL . We walked back to his Quonset hut and I 'll be darned if the idiot hadn 't climbed back into his rack . I had just been in there about 10 minutes before and the guy wasn 't there . He must have waited until I 'd walked through and then snuck back into the hut and then into his rack . Sgt . Bignami didn 't believe that I 'd checked . I told him I did , but he didn 't buy it . I guess he felt that I was the one that needed to be punished , so he took the platoon away from me . I was so pissed ! Occasionally people are promoted out of ITR if they do a really good job . That 's exactly what I 'd been doing . But I guess he saw it differently . It was actually easier just being one of the grunts instead of having the extra responsibility , so I guess he did me a favor . All in all , my time in ITR was a blast . I loved the weapons , I loved being outdoors , and I learned a lot . I was working for the Postal Service as a supervisor in a large mail processing facility in Long Beach , California . One of the positions in my chain of command was the director of mail processing . That guy in that position was working somewhere else for an extended period of time . To take his place they were running a few different people through his spot . I was out on the workroom floor doing my job when the current person on detail walked up to me and introduced himself . He asked me some questions about the job and then walked away . I was left with the feeling that I 'd met him before . The next day I spoke to him again . I told him that I was sure we 'd met before . He didn 't think so . So we started the where did you go to school ? How old are you ? Etc … He then asked me if I had been in the military . I told him I had , and that I was in the Marine Corps . He told me that he had been in the Marine Corps also . But it seemed like our paths had never crossed . That night I went home and looked through the few pictures that I had from my time in the Marine Corps . I looked in my boot camp book , he wasn 't there . I looked in all the individual photos I had , he wasn 't there . Then I found a mailing tube mailed to my home from Camp Pendleton many years before . I opened up the tube and took the rolled up picture out of it . When I unrolled it , there he was ! The guy in the green metal flake helmet liner was the same guy now in charge of me at work . Frank Bignami … Whenever Frank and I talk , the subject of ITR eventually comes up . We seem to have slightly different memories of our time together . He has no memory at all of who I was in ITR of course , but he swears that he was a good guy . I always tell him that he 's a good guy now , but not so much back then . I think I 'm the one who is right , but I have to admit he did a very good job helping us transition from boot camp to the regular Marine Corps . If you read the prior 15 boot camp entries you should be very familiar with Drill Instructor Valdez . In case you were wondering , I used his real name . I 'm hoping that one day I 'll receive either a comment on my blog , or an email from him . While it is certainly true that he may not remember me at all , I 'm betting that he does . If you don 't agree with me on that point , I didn 't do a very good job covering the battle of wills that went on between the two of us . Even though he clearly had the advantage , because he could abuse me physically without fear of retaliation , I feel that I more than held my own because of my steadfast refusal to give in to him . When boot camp was finally over , I felt that I had the upper hand because he never really figured out what I was about and why he couldn 't " convince " me to bend to his will . He badly wanted me to be a screw up , but I wasn 't . He openly tried to get me to hit him on many occasions , but I wouldn 't . The fact that he actually had a part in my being promoted in boot camp , further demonstrated that he didn 't have a clue about me . My next 2 entries relating to " Infantry Training " will serve as the bridge between my time in Marine Corps Boot Camp and my time in Vietnam . At this point I 'm thinking that there will be approximately 20 entries related to Vietnam . Although I will be softening up the language a bit and omitting most of the gore I saw in the Vietnam entries , I can 't bring myself to change much else . It was a brutal place . I make no excuses or apologies for my actions and behavior during that period of my life . I was who I was . I 'm happy to say I 'm not that person now . . . As much as I hated having to start boot camp over from scratch , it did give me an advantage over all the other recruits . I knew what was going to happen before it happened . I 'd already had most of my shots and managed to stay out of trouble except when Valdez was on duty , then I couldn 't do anything but be in trouble . I was his whipping boy . Everybody in the platoon knew he had singled me out and the other drill instructors knew it also . I know this because when he was off duty they used me in a leadership role , to demonstrate how to do things to the other recruits . But in the eyes of Valdez I could do nothing right . He must have made me do 10 times the calisthenics that everybody else had to do . I 'd also estimate that he punched me at least 20 - 30 times during the course of boot camp . I was in excellent physical shape when I got to boot camp , but Valdez was making a brute out of me . It seemed like the more he piled it on me , the stronger I got . I eventually reverted to my old safety zone of disassociation , that I mastered while being raised by the crazy woman . After a while the man had no effect on me at all . When he came in , I checked out . I began to feel that I was in control , not him . He could punch me but I wouldn 't react , I couldn 't feel anything . I 'd just straighten back up and look right through him like he wasn 't there . My mother could give him a run for his money in the physical abuse department . I already knew how to take pain . The idiot eventually started to believe that I was squared away and along with the other DI 's put me in for my first promotion . He came to believe that I had fantastic self discipline , he told me he 'd never had a recruit survive what he put me through . I 'm sure he was mostly patting himself on the back though . What he did was mistake my ability to take abuse and disassociate , with self discipline . I actually did get a promotion out of boot camp . Only 6 out of the 70 platoon members got promoted , and thanks to Valdez I got one of the spots . On graduation day he actually had the nerve to congratulate me , and tell me I did a good job . I just turned my back on him and walked away . He had no control over me at this point , so I had no reason or obligation to acknowledge his existence . Besides , other than the fact that he beat the hell out of me on more than one occasion , and exercised me into the ground every time he saw me , I won … In addition to all the other skills you are expected to master in boot camp , you must also be able to fire a rifle accurately at a target from several different distances and from several different positions . In my day , the combat rifle issued to Marines was the M - 14 . Although it was a bit heavy , it was very rugged and dependable . In the hands of the right person it was extremely accurate up to distances of 500 meters and more . There were no range facilities in San Diego so we had to travel from MCRD to Camp Pendleton , the sprawling Marine Corps base near Oceanside , California . Our first few days were spent learning about the rifle range , our rifles , and how to shoot with accuracy . The " dry firing " method of training was eventually replaced by live firing . Each day at the range we had to chart how we did in a range book . We practiced on Monday thru Wednesday , had pre - qualification on Thursday , and Qualification day was on Friday . All Marines were expected to qualify with the M - 14 . There were three levels of qualification . Expert , Sharpshooter , and Marksman . You couldn 't graduate from boot camp until you qualified at one of those three levels . Having my own rifle for most of my life gave me a advantage over a lot of the recruits in my platoon . Although I 'd never live fired an M - 14 , I did know how to relax enough to make accurate shots . Actually , I shot a bit too well . On Thursday , I shot extremely well . Best of all , I shot a perfect 10 for 10 , all in the bulls - eye from 500 meters . One of the pictures above is from my range book . Each of the ten shots is individually announced and charted as you shoot them . When the range coach saw my score he made them check off my individual shots on the target again . It checked out and everybody was excited , including me . After we got back to our temporary barracks that night even Valdez seemed happy about it ! As he reported my success of earlier in the day to the rest of the platoon they were also excited because it is very rare for anybody , recruit or otherwise , to shoot a perfect score from 500 meters . If it had been Friday instead of Thursday , I 'd have easily surpassed the Expert threshold . After Taps sounded and it was time for lights out the fire watch came to my bunk and said the DI 's wanted to see me in the duty hut . He also told me that when I got there I was not to pound on the door , but just walk in . As I approached the door Valdez motioned me inside . " Remain at attention and don 't say a word until I tell you to Tillett . " " You are going to shoot the 500 meter segment for at least 2 other recruits tomorrow " he said in low voice . " I 'll already have the their names printed on tape . When we need you we 'll change the tape on the back of your jacket and on your weapon You better remember who you are supposed to be , if one of the range personnel calls you by the other guy 's name , based on what the tape on your back says . " " Do you understand Tillett ? " " Good , now get the hell out of my sight ! " I didn 't know how to feel about what had just happened . I was complimented by some of what he said , and I was proud of what I 'd done that day at the range . But now that sick bastard wanted to me to help him ? He had some nerve . He had to know how I felt about him . I sure knew how he felt about me . Should I do the best I could ? Should I do badly on purpose to screw Valdez over ? Should I refuse to shoot for anybody else but myself ? There was also the issue of sniper school . Would I really like it ? Could I really live with killing people that couldn 't even see me ? I guess it was better than having them shooting at me also , but still . How would I feel about it after the war ? I lay there going back and forth in my mind for a very long time . I think I 'd just fallen asleep when a DI came in to the room and started yelling for us to get out of our bunks and be on the platoon road within fifteen minutes . After we finished morning chow , trucks came to take us to the range . I still didn 't know what I was going to do until we got there . I decided that I 'd do what Valdez asked of me . I 'm sure he wasn 't the only one involved in this . The platoon commander and other DI 's must have known also . Surely they would all be at the range that day . I shot most of my segments without them asking me to do anything . One thing happened that I didn 't expect . I was nervous ! I hadn 't been nervous at all the day before , but for some reason I didn 't feel as confident , maybe it was from lack of sleep , or maybe it was because of what they were going to ask me to do . I had just finished one of my segments when Valdez told me I was needed at 300 meters . I had to shoot for two different recruits there . My first two shots weren 't even close to the bulls eye . I forced myself to relax and made up for the bad shots with several good ones . Apparently there were more people struggling than they anticipated , because as the morning wore on , my name changed so many times that I thought someone was going to become suspicious of the ripping noise the tape made as they changed it . I was finally at the 500 yard prone segment and before I got to shoot for myself , I had to shoot for two other recruits . Each time Valdez leaned down and told me exactly what score was needed . At this time a lot of the guys were done shooting and they all knew what was going on . I felt the pressure of them knowing . As earlier , the first couple of shots were terrible and I had to do some good shooting at the end to get the scores Valdez demanded of me . It was a struggle , but I finally got the last guy qualified . I was amazed that I was able to do it . Finally , it was time for me to finish up my own day with the 500 meters segment . I was exhausted and drenched with sweat . Valdez told me that I had to get a particular score for us to win the rifle range portion of the platoon competition . It meant that I 'd need almost all bulls eyes for us to win . I couldn 't relax and I didn 't get it done . We ended up tied with another platoon for the rifle range competition . I didn 't get my expert badge , but I did ensure that everyone in our platoon qualified . Valdez was pissed at me , but didn 't say too much , because without me we 'd probably have finished in last place instead of tied for first . When it was all said and done , I realized that I had been used in a major way . They really didn 't give a crap about me ! If I had been caught , I 'm positive the DI 's would have said they didn 't know anything about it . Me and the guy I was shooting for at that time would have gone to the brig and probably received dishonorable discharges for cheating . If I hadn 't done so much high pressure shooting for other recruits and only had to worry about myself , I 'm pretty sure I would have qualified as an expert . To this day I wish I would have refused to do what Valdez told me to do , or made sure that I got lower scores than he demanded . Or maybe even put one of those shots right through his forehead . When the Platoon Commander was out of earshot , everybody started talking at once . It only took a couple of minutes to figure out who he was talking about and what he wanted us to do . There was another person missing from our blood letting today . It was the " fire watch " who was on duty while the card game was going on . Apparently the platoon commander kept him back with the card players because he wanted us to take care of him . We finally got it , if the fire watch had done his job , none of this would have happened in the first place . Okay , we knew who the PC was talking about and we knew what he wanted done . He wanted the platoon to take care of him . To a marine or soldier that means it 's time to have a " blanket party . " When the targeted guy is sleeping , a blanket is thrown over his head . He 's then held down so he can 't see who is beating the shit out of him . In this case they majority agreed that everybody would punch him once . I of course seem to have the need to piss people off , and said that I thought that was a chicken shit idea . If he needs to be beaten , then just beat him . I was in the minority on the subject , so the poor bastards fate was decided . I told them I wouldn 't take part in it . I 'd " beat the shit out of the guy myself face to face , " if they wanted me to , but I wasn 't going to have any part of a blanket party . One of the guys said that if I " didn 't take part , maybe they 'd have to deal with me also . " I said " do what you have to do , but as soon as it 's over , I 'm coming after you first . " I knew it wasn 't going to happen to me . These guys had seen me go through more crap and taken more punishment from Valdez than all of them put together . They knew I wasn 't afraid of any of them , not even as a group . Some other folks who agreed with me , chimed in that they 'd have more than just me to deal with if they tried anything . I told them that I wasn 't going to try and stop them from doing it , but I wouldn 't take part in it . Several others now agreed with me . But there was still wayThe next morning at our first formation it was obvious that the blanket party took place . The guy could barely walk and his face was bruised and swollen . Those idiots should have taken a hint from the drill instructors and avoided leaving marks on the poor guys face . I still feel pissed today when I hear the term " blanket party . " I think it 's a cowardly way to deal with a person , even if he is a loser , or causes other people problems . I forgot to mention in the earlier entry , that I saw one of the card players many months later in Vietnam and his skin was still discolored , from the beating he took from Valdez in boot camp . . . As I said earlier , while the broom stick beatings were taking place the Platoon Commander wasn 't around . However , bright and early the next morning he personally took us out for close order drill ( marching ) . The guys who had been beaten weren 't with us . We marched around the parade ground for a while and when he was marching us back to our platoon area he took a different route . We had no idea where he was taking us until he halted the platoon and then gave us the command to face right . He didn 't say a word for at least a minute . He turned his back to us and just stood there . We were in front of the handball courts . His earlier warning rang in my head like a bell . I was sure that we were about to get an object lesson , and I was very sure it was going to be more painful than playing his " air raid " game . He gave us some commands to peel off by squads and enter the door of one of the fully enclosed courts . He then split us up , two squads on one end , and two on the other . He said on his command we were to trade ends and do it quickly . He produced a whistle and blew it . We all scurried from one side to the other . He yelled that it wasn 't fast enough . Do it again ! He blew the whistle . We did this several times . It was getting very hot and humid in there and he wasn 't giving us any time to rest . Again and again , faster and faster . He finally gave us the ultimatum . If we didn 't change ends in less than 5 seconds we 'd regret it . He told us that to get that far in only five seconds we 'd have to quit being so polite . He wanted us to quit going around each other , and start going through the guy in front of us . It started to get violent . People were doing everything they could to speed it up . People were starting to get hurt . It was so hot and humid now in the court that everybody 's utilities were soaked . We never made it in five seconds and he finally gave up . But not without a threat . He said he had another treat in line for us the next day . Crap ! The thing about it , was he never seemed mad , he acted like he was just doing his job . The next day after we finished our morning training we were told to change into our PT gear ( gym clothes ) and report back to the platoon road in formation . We were back out there very quickly . He said " if you liked playing air raid and handball , you 're going to love today 's game even more ! " Great … " Okay , then I 'll tell you ! You are out here because you all sat by and let this fucking platoon fall apart ! You sat by and did nothing while some slimy pieces of shit were grab assing instead of studying for the practical exams ! " He then made squad one and two line up shoulder to shoulder , one squad on each side of the platoon road . He then made squad three line up behind squad one , and squad four line up behind squad two . Once again we had 5 seconds to exchange sides . The road was much more narrow than the handball court , and we were standing shoulder to shoulder and there was no room at all , to squeeze between the recruits on the other side . We all knew what was expected of us , and when the whistle blew all hell broke loose . The sounds of bodies slamming against each other , sounded like we were at a football game . It took about five tries , but we finally made it happen quickly . But not before there were several minor injuries and bloodied faces . He got us back in formation and marched us out to the parade ground . He then told us to take a knee and pay close attention to what he was going to say . He asked us who was missing from this ordeal . The names of the guys who caused all this by playing cards instead of studying were mentioned . He said no , and asked us if there was anybody else . Nobody knew what he was talking about . After a few minutes he said he was going back to the duty hut and when we figured it out , and figured out how to take care of the problem ourselves , the platoon guide would march us back to the platoon area . He turned and left us there alone . . . I would be remiss if I failed to tell this particular story about Drill Instructor Valdez . It 's the one story that doesn 't pertain directly to me . I 'm so happy it didn 't , because it was one of the most brutal things done to recruits , that I 've ever heard of . At night there is always somebody assigned to " fire watch " duty . There are a couple of reasons that this is done , and one of them is extremely valid . If there is a fire or some other emergency , the fire watch wakes everybody up in time to evacuate . The " platoon " I was assigned to was in direct competition with three other platoons that make up the training " company . " The competitions consist of close order drill , rifle range , inspections , physical testing , and practical examinations on several subjects . The training for most of these things is pretty much self evident and the drill instructors are closely involved with it . The only part that actually involves some discretionary effort is related to studying for the examinations . There wasn 't enough time to study as a group , so we had to study at night instead of sleeping . We had just finished a round of exams and our platoon didn 't fare very well on a few subjects . One of the drill instructors noticed that several recruits all did poorly on the exact same exams . So the DI 's started an informal investigation . Apparently one of the recruits ( under pressure ) assigned to fire watch duty during the late night study sessions , told the DI 's that a small group of recruits had been playing cards , instead of studying . And guess what ? Yup , it was the same names that drug the entire platoon down with their poor exam results . First off , where did they get a deck of cards ? Second , why did the fire watch rat them out ? Third , what the heck is going to happen to those poor bastards ? We couldn 't imagine what Valdez was going to do , but it would be severe for sure . That evening the five recruits were called into the duty hut one at a time . The Platoon Commander was on duty but left before the " punishment " commenced . I 'm not sure why he left , but I believe it was to ensure that he could deny knowing about it ( plausible deniability ) . As I said the recruits went to the duty hut one at a time . The were asked if they had studied on the nights in question or if they had played cards . I guess they knew the jig was up because they all admitted to it . Here is where it gets ugly . They made each of them bend over a desk and then beat their thighs and butt with a broom stick . We could hear it happening . Whenever one of them would cry out in pain they were screamed at to shut up . I clearly saw that when one of them came back his thighs and butt were bleeding . It was something like you 'd see in a horror movie . It was brutal . They could barely walk for several days . The DI 's let them stay in the huts until they could move around . They weren 't allowed to go to sick call either . These drill instructors should have gone to jail for what they did . But of course nobody would turn them in , because in those days it wouldn 't have done any good . They all told us that Valdez did most of the beating . In my time in the Marine Corps I never ran into a former or current drill instructor that didn 't have a mean streak in him . But Valdez was the one of the most sadistic , evil , and demented bastards I 've ever met in my life . That statement is true to this day . I would have liked to run into him in Vietnam . My payback would have been extreme . . . One of our " official " training segments involved the use of gas masks . We were told this was an important part of our training because the " Viet Cong " might attack us with gas while we were in Vietnam . I never heard about them doing this either before or after I went to Vietnam , but for some reason they taught us to use them anyway . One day they issued us the masks . They came in a canvas bag . We had to take them out of the bags and check them out , to see if they were air tight . My mask looked like it was old enough to have been worn by Chesty Puller himself , sometime much earlier in the century . It was old and very worn . I 'm pretty sure they were WWII or Korean War surplus . We would go into a small cinder block building known as the " gas chamber " in small groups and be told to break the seal on the mask to get a sample of what the CS could do to us , and then re - seal the mask . That would show us that the masks actually worked and allowed us to breath . What they didn 't tell us was that this is where the " instruction " stopped and the boot camp fun and games started . I was in the third group to go in . That allowed us to see part of the first group come out of the far side of the chamber . They ran out of the room without their masks on and were throwing up and gagging like they were going to die . Oh crap ! The DI 's were screaming at them not to rub their eyes . They were then allowed to rinse off their faces and hands in running water . When it was my group 's turn to go in they told us to get our masks on and walk into the building single file and stand along the inside wall of the room . There appeared to be plenty of gas in the room already but they were adding to it as we entered . Once we were all in place and the door was closed we were told to break the seal of the mask and keep it that way until told to re - seal it again . I remember that my first couple of breaths weren 't too bad , but then it hit me . It was like breathing fire ! We were then told to tighten up the mask again and breath regularly . Although my lungs still burned I was at least able to breath . We were then instructed to rotate the masks onto the top of our heads and stand there until told otherwise . We were also warned not to hold our breath . I like several other people , totally disregarded that order and held mine , as I removed the mask . It became very clear who was holding their breath and who wasn 't in about 5 seconds . Those who were breathing were coughing and gagging like crazy . Those of us holding our breath just had burning eyes . What had seemed like a good idea only seconds before quickly became a bad idea , a very bad idea . The instructor just waited us out . I remember when I finally had to breath , and did so , I thought I was going to die . I 'd never felt anything like it . The instructors then walked along in front of us and told people individually to put their masks back on . Those of us who held our breath , were not told to do so . Okay , not too bad we 'll be out of here soon enough . At least that 's what I wished would happen . Much to my surprise those of us still without gas masks on were orI know we only spent several minutes in the gas chamber , but it seemed like an hour . My group ( the idiots ) didn 't even get to put our masks on as we were told to leave the room via the second door . When I got outside into the clean air I still couldn 't breath . My eyes were running , I was gagging and throwing up , and thick snot was running out of my nose . I noticed that everybody else was doing the same . If the gas hadn 't made me sick , the sight of all the freely flowing mucus would have . One poor bastard in one of the other squads apparently started to put his mask on before he was told to , I was told that it was pretty clear he was panicking . They stopped him and he started really freaking out . He tried to get to the door and the instructors stopped him . It got to the point where he was crawling on the concrete floor trying to get to the door . The instructors were dragging him back by his feet . All original photography and text is private property and cannot be duplicated or used for gain without my explicit permission . I 'm not saying I won 't give it to you , but ask first . Okay ? |
Today was sort of a sad day because you got sick . We arrived at the orphanage at about 10 : 00 . We brought candy for the children , and you passed it out to them . We brought you downstairs to play , but you seemed very tired . We asked you if you slept okay , and you said , " yes . " After your English lesson , we gave you applesauce , but it took you a long time to eat it . We taught you how to play Sleepy Tiger , and then we showed you how to do the Hokey Pokey . One of the ladies who works at the orphanage was watching us , and then she told Marsha to ask me to write down the words to Hokey Pokey so that she could teach it to the children . I wrote down the words , and then Marsha translated it for her . We left the orphanage at 11 : 30 because we had reservations for lunch at the same hotel where we ate last Tuesday . The waitress came in and brought big salads for Dad and myself , but for some reason they didn 't bring those same salads for you or Marsha or Victor . The three of you were supposed to share a cucumber tomato salad that was set in the center of the table . We asked Marsha why they were not serving all of us the same . She didn 't know , but I felt sort of awkward with a special salad when you and the other adults were not offered the same . After the salad , you were the only one who wanted soup . They brought you the soup , but you barely touched it . This is when we started to think you might be sick . The main dish came , but you did not want it . You just wanted to lie down on the chairs at the side of the room . When we ordered ice cream , you said that you wanted some , but when it came , I couldn 't get you to take even one bite . Before we left the restaurant , we ordered a cake for the party on Friday , and then we drove back to the orphanage . I could tell that you felt warm , so we stopped in the doctor 's office . The nurse looked at your throat and said it was red . Another nurse sprayed something in your mouth , and you made a face as if it tasted awful . They said you were beginning to get a cold and that you needed rest . We took you upstairs , undressed you , and said " good - bye " to you . In the afternoon , Tamara picked us up at about 3 : 00 . Since we knew you would probably be sleeping for a long time , we decided to get some shopping done for the party . We first went to a paper goods store . We bought napkins , plates , cups , and plastic forks . The stores here sell things by the individual pieces instead of by the package . Instead of buying a package of cups or forks , I told them how many I wanted , and they charged us for each piece . It was the same way in the grocery store the other day . I needed some paper cups to brush my teeth . They had been taken out of the package and were sitting on the shelf . I pointed to the cups and told Tamara I wanted to buy them . The clerk asked how many I wanted . I said , " The whole stack . " They had to count out the cups , and I was charged for each separate cup ! Anyway , after we bought the paper goods for the party , we went to another store to buy more bottled water and some juice for the party . We didn 't get to the orphanage until about 4 : 00 . All the kids in your group were outside . Mama Leda came over to tell us that you were asleep and that it probably wasn 't a good idea to visit with you today . Since we had time to spare , we played with the children for about 40 minutes . They love to see us . They call us Mama and Papa , and they run up and hug us and kiss us and hold our hands . A lot of the kids want Daddy to lift them in the air . Some of the girls like to play clapping games with me . The children are really cute . I wish they all could have homes with parents . We were told by the orphanage doctor that you would be alright , and that we could come back tomorrow to see you . On the way home , Tamara had Victor stop at a couple of dress shops because I had wanted to see what the clothing stores looked like . They were both very small stores , but the clothes looked nice . Tamara said that the clothes come from South Korea . After this , we stopped at Tatyana 's apartment to pick up two movies which are in English . We will watch one of them tonight . I hope you are feeling better soon . I love you ! This morning I was watching out the window at some ladies who are sweeping the street . They are out there every morning with brooms made out of tree branches . They are working hard to keep the road clean , but as I watch them , it seems to me that their efforts are futile . The roads are full of cracks and holes , and the entire scene ( buildings , yards , etc . ) looks as though it is not maintained , and so it just seems useless to try to sweep up the dirt on the street each day . But I guess they have pride in what little they have , and they are doing their best to make it as nice as possible . Yesterday morning when we woke up , we looked out the window and everything was white . Snow had been falling the night before , and even the roads were covered with several inches of snow . Yesterday the sweeper ladies were shoveling snow off the road . Today they are back to sweeping it again . Life in California is so very different . Another thing I 've noticed about Russia is that there is a lot of useless metal lying around . For instance , from our window , we can see 7 or 8 swing sets , but not one of them has a swing on it . All that is left are the rusty frames . When we go to pick up Marsha at her apartment , there are more of these same rusty swing set frames with no swings . They are completely useless to anyone , but they just sit there day after day as if no one ever considered removing them . There is a house near the orphanage that has an old car in front of it . Actually , it 's not even a car anymore because there is nothing left but the frame - no seats , no windows , no tires , no doors . It can 't possibly be useful for anything , but yet it just sits there . This morning we stopped at the post office on the way to the orphanage . We called home and found out that everybody is doing fine . Next we headed to the orphanage . We weren 't sure how you would be feeling , but they told us you were doing better and that it was okay for you to spend the day with us at Gaya 's apartment . We had such a wonderful day with you . You were feeling much better , and you smiled and laughed a lot . This was the first time we had you dressed in your American clothes since we got your haircut on Monday . You looked adorable ! You let me hold you in my lap for a long time , and I loved it . Tamara was gone for awhile , and you started talking away while you were sitting in my lap . Dad and I didn 't know what you were saying , but both you and Olga were laughing . Olga was able to tell us that you were telling a story about a grandma with three noses . You are so funny . We love you so very much . I asked you through Tamara if you knew what was going to happen on Friday . " The party ! " you answered . Then I asked you if you knew what was going to happen the next day ( which is the day we will be picking you up at the orphanage to bring you home with us forever ) . You couldn 't remember what was going to happen that day . I 'm not sure you really understand or believe that in a few more days you will no longer be living at the orphanage . But you do understand what a party is , and you are very excited about that . I can 't wait to see you again tomorrow . On the way home from the orphanage , we were driving along the road when all of a sudden Tamara said , " Oh , the militia ! " I looked up ahead , and there were two men standing in the middle of the road . They were wearing some official - looking uniforms , and one of them stuck out a white baton . Then Tamara said , " Oh , they are going to pull us over . " Victor pulled to the side of the road and got out of the car . I started to get a little nervous thinking that if they noticed we were Americans , they might start asking a lot of questions . Victor showed his license , and then the officer asked him to open the trunk . That is where we had put our big bag with our passports and all of our adoption papers . Dad said , " Oh no , now they are going to go through all of our stuff . " But the officer just took a quick look and said we could go . Victor asked him what was going on , and the officer answered , " Everything is the same . " Tamara asked me if they ever have these kinds of searches in the U . S . I told her that if the police ever had to stop cars to search for something , they would not be allowed to do it without some sort of explanation . Victor told us he believes they are doing random searches because of the war in Chechnya . Apparently there have been threats of terrorism , and they are taking precautions . This morning Daddy is sick . Actually we were both feeling a little queasy yesterday . We took some Pepto Bismol tablets , and I started feeling better , but Daddy just got worse . He didn 't eat much dinner last night . He took some of the generic antibiotics that we got from the doctor before we left . He keeps saying that he can 't wait to get to Moscow because we will be staying in the American hotel , and the food should be better quality . We will be leaving Birobidzhan in six more days . I wanted to write a little about the paper here in Russia . All of the paper I have seen is very poor quality . Yesterday Tamara brought us some legal documents to sign for your visa and your new birth certificate . The paper was so thin , it was almost transparent . It was just a little thicker than tissue paper . It seemed so strange to be signing a legal document on paper that might easily rip . At the post office , the paper that is provided to write down the phone number you want to call is no bigger than one inch by two inches , and on that paper you need to write your name , phone number , destination of the call , and how long you want to talk . They are being careful not to waste even an inch of paper . It sort of makes me feel wasteful . Actually , the only nice paper I 've seen since we 've been here is the paper I brought for you to play with and draw on . You really like to work with paper and crayons . Yesterday you and I made some pictures together . We made a Christmas scene , an Easter scene , and a Halloween scene , and then Tamara told you all about Halloween . You practiced knocking on the door and saying " Trick or Treat . " You told us you wanted to be a princess for Halloween . Then you went and got the Candy Land game and pointed to Queen Frostine . You wanted to be her for Halloween . We arrived at the orphanage at about 10 : 00 this morning . We played with you in the director 's office because the conference room was being used for a meeting , and there were music classes going on in the music room . We brought you the little teddy bear box puzzle where you can change the clothes and faces on the teddy bears . You liked this . We tried to play Old Maid , but for some reason , you always want to be the old maid , and so you take the card out of the deck and hide it , and of course then there is no point to the game . We keep telling you that whoever ends up with the old maid card is the loser , but you still want it . You are a funny little girl , and we love you very much . We went outside to play with the children . This was our last time to play with the kids outside because tomorrow is the party , and on Saturday you will be coming home with us . At 12 : 00 , we took you back inside for lunch , and we told you we would be back after your lunch and nap . Tamara picked us up at 2 : 30 , and we stopped at the florist to get some flowers to take to the lady at the Educational Department who has been working on our adoption . Her name is Valentina . Anyway , all of the flower arrangements at the florist had large curly crepe paper things wrapped around the flowers . Each one was a very bright color , and it almost dominated the flowers . We bought white mums with a purple crepe paper holder wrapped around them . We made a quick stop at the Department of Education . There was a guard at the front door , and Tamara showed something that looked like a passport . Valentina was on the 5th floor , so we followed Tamara over to the elevator . While we were waiting , Daddy said , " That is an awfully small elevator door ! " I looked at the door and realized that it was quite tiny . When the elevator arrived , we learned why the door was so small . The three of us had to squish together to fit into it . We have never been in such a small elevator before . Anyway , it worked , and so we took the flowers to Valentina and thanked her for helping us with our adoption . Next , we headed for the orphanage to pick you up . I gave Mama Leda some lollipops for the children in your group . You were wearing a cute little green dress with white polka dots . It is the cutest dress we have seen you wearing at the orphanage . On the way back to Gaya 's apartment , we stopped at the paper goods store because I wanted to buy some baggies to put the children 's candy in for the party tomorrow . I bought 14 baggies ( you can 't just buy a box of them ) . I also bought a tablecloth to put on the table that I am going to set the cake on . We came back to Gaya 's apartment and changed your clothes . Daddy always likes to see you in your American clothes . You do look cute in them . Gaya 's other grandson , who is 8 years old , was here , and you played with him a little and shared your snacks with him . Before taking you back to the orphanage , we called Sue Vogler . She is from Pennsylvania and is here in Birobidzhan to adopt a 10 - year - old girl . I met Sue over the Internet after Sybil Guetersloh told me she would be in Birobidzhan at the same time as us . Anyway , we are planning to meet Sue and her husband for lunch on Saturday at the hotel . We will have you with us , of course , because that is the day you get to move in with us . Sue is going to see if they can bring their daughter also . After dinner tonight , Daddy and I played Yahtzee . That is how we pass the time when we are not spending it with you or doing something else . Tamara has also been bringing us movies in English . She has just a few of them , but she has managed to borrow 2 or 3 more from some of the other interpreters . I am about ready to put the candy for the party into the baggies , and I will also iron the pretty blue dress that I brought for you to wear . I can 't wait to see how pretty you will look in it . Tomorrow will be an exciting day ! Today was an exciting day . When we got to the orphanage , all the children were on a bus . The teacher came over and told us that the children were being taken to the Children 's Center . Tamara had told us that they have a pool there , and they offer different kinds of classes for children there . You were waiting inside the orphanage for us , and we got you ready and brought you to Gaya 's apartment . The first thing we did was to give you a bath . When we told you it was time for a bath , you said , " I am going to swim in there . " You weren 't kidding . I never saw a kid so excited about taking a bath . I guess when you only have a bath once a week , they are a lot of fun . Anyway , you were all over the place in that tub . You rolled around in the water and you tried to swim . You asked if you could get your hair wet , and then you put your head under the water and rolled around some more . I got you all washed up , including your hair , and then we got you dressed . We dried your hair and fixed it . You looked so cute ! We worked on English phrases today instead of just memorizing words from the picture book . You liked this method much better . Olga served lunch a little early because we wanted you to take an early nap before the party this afternoon . About 40 minutes after we put you down for a nap , we heard you opening the bedroom door . I went over to you , and you said you needed to go to the bathroom . After that , you came right over to the bed and started making it up as if you had no intention of going back to sleep . I don 't think you ever went to sleep . You were just too excited about the party . We let you come out to play , but there was no interpreter , and you started to misbehave a little . You kept playing with Gaya 's telephone even though we were telling you not to . Daddy decided you needed a time - out , and so he held you in his lap for about two minutes . When he let you down , you went right back over to the phone again , and so you got another two minute time - out on Daddy 's lap . After this , you did not go back to the phone , but instead you got out your paper and glue . We told you that you were a good girl , and you played until it was time to get ready for the party . When we got out your party dress , you understood this to mean that it was almost time for the party , and you let out a little scream of delight . We got you ready , and you looked so pretty . We put on the blue coat , the little black boots and the white hat and gloves . You looked absolutely adorable ! When Victor and Tamara came , we stopped at the hotel to pick up the cake . They had decorated it in the shape of a teddy bear that is on a very famous Russian cartoon . Unfortunately , the bakery did not have a box for large cakes , and the cardboard it was on was sort of flimsy , so Daddy had to balance it on his lap . Our next stop was the beauty parlor where we had an appointment to have your hair done for the party . They fixed it up really cute with a french braid just behind your bangs , and they teased the rest of it to make it look nice and full . When Tamara told Victor to take us to the orphanage next , you clapped your hands with excitement . As soon as Victor stopped the car , you ran into the orphanage and upstairs to your group . You probably ran up there to show them your hair and your dress . The children came downstairs to put on their play for us in the music room . It was a cute play , and all of the children were dressed in costumes . Most of them were animals . You were a frog . The children invited us to dance with them , and then we took everything upstairs to decorate the room while the children played downstairs . We put the tables together and covered them with the vinyl tablecloths we bought so that the children could all sit together at one big table . Next , we put the paper flowers in the center of the table , and we put out the red plates , pink napkins , forks and cups . Each child also got a bag with four kinds of candy in it . We put the cake on a separate table . When the children came in , their eyes lit up , and they ran right over to the table and sat down . We served the cake , and when I looked at the plates 5 minutes later , I noticed that every child ate all of their cake . After we cleaned up the plates , we had Tamara tell the children that I would hand out gifts to the girls , and Daddy would hand out gifts to the boys . When I started handing out the Barbie dolls to the girls , they were all extremely excited . Daddy told me how the boys were jumping for joy over the Hot Wheels cars we had brought for them . The children kept hugging us and kissing us over and over . One little girl named Vika came to me at least 6 or 7 times to hug me . Each time she wanted me to bend down so she could kiss me . The last time she insisted on kissing me right on the lips , which she did . This same little girl is going to be adopted by an American family . She was fortunate enough to go to the United States last summer to attend a summer camp with American kids . A family that met her is in the process of adopting her . She learned a little bit of English during her stay in the U . S . , and while she was hugging me , I said , " So you 're going to America ? " She smiled a big smile and showed me a thumbs up sign . She is a sweet girl . Makayla standing by the cake we ordered from the bakery for the party . Believe it or not , that flimsy piece of cardboard below the cake is all that the bakery gave us to transport the cake in the car from the bakery to the orphanage . The children during the party . I also handed out gifts to the teachers and other orphanage employees who were at the party . I asked Tamara to translate the notes I had written to the two teachers so that they would know what I had written . Then Mama Leda asked the children to share compliments about us . The children raised their hands and each one said something like , " They are very kind , " or " They are sweet like candy . " Then Mama Leda brought out a card she had for us . She had written a poem for us , and she recited the poem to us , and Tamara translated it at the same time . It was so sweet that it made me cry . The poem is of course written in Russian , but I am going to have Tamara translate it again so that I can write it down in English . When it was almost time for us to go , we changed you back into your orphanage clothes for the last time . Mama Leda and Mama Valentina came over to us . They both started talking to me in Russian very fast at the same time . Since I couldn 't understand either one of them , I kept looking at Tamara who was sort of flustered herself at trying to translate what both of them were saying to me . The part that made it through the English translation was " Please write to us and send us pictures of Makayla , " and , " She will make lots of progress now that she will be with you . " I 'm sure that they said more than that though . They were both very excited for us . Tonight is your last night in the orphanage . We will pick you up at 10 : 00 tomorrow morning . Then you will be ours forever ! Peter was here for dinner tonight , and Tamara stayed , too . We laughed a lot at dinner . Every time someone told a joke , Tamara had to translate it , and then we all laughed a second time . After dinner , Gaya and Peter set up the bed for you in our room . Actually it is a crib that Gaya 's grandson used . I hope you will fit in it alright . We will find out tomorrow . It will be another big day ! We had Victor pick us up at 9 : 45 this morning so that we could be at the orphanage right at 10 : 00 to pick you up . We took off your orphanage clothes and dressed you in your pretty blue dress , and I fixed your hair with the blue bow in it . We took some pictures with the children who had excitedly watched while we got you ready . I noticed that Mama Leda had put some of the paper flowers I made for the party into a silk tree that was in the dressing room . The children started giving all of us good - bye hugs . Little Nina hugged me for the longest time . I started to cry because I have enjoyed these little children so much , and I know we will never see them again . Just before we left , some of the boys ran up and kissed you on the cheek . You ran down the stairs and out the door . As we drove off , we all said " Paw - kaw " which means Bye - bye in Russian . We stopped at the post office to call home . Ashley wanted to talk to you twice . We headed back to Gaya 's apartment . We played with your two Barbies for awhile , and then we had an English lesson . You are getting better at understanding English every day . The phrases you can understand are " Bath time , " " Time to brush your teeth , " " Time for bed , " " Time to eat , " " Playtime with Daddy , " " Storytime , " " Time for school , " " Put on your shoes , " " Go get in the car , " " Sit down , " " Stand up , " " Go , " " Stop , " " Hug Daddy , " " Hug Mommy , " and you have also learned a lot of other words such as food words and other household words . For lunch we went to the hotel where we had planned to meet Sue and Jack Vogler . They are the couple from Pennsylvania who are here in Birobidzhan to adopt a 10 - year - old girl named Natasha . They had Natasha with them . She has red hair and freckles , and she was very quiet . Across the room from us , they were setting tables for a wedding reception . I took a picture of the table because it was the nicest table I have seen here in Russia . It had a wedding cake , and lots and lots of different kinds of food . We had a nice lunch with the Voglers , and then we took a picture with them before we said " good - bye . " Before leaving the restaurant , we sat down to plan the menu for the dinner tomorrow night . That is when we are taking everyone who has helped us with the adoption out for dinner . As we were putting our coats on , someone from the wedding party came over to us . The wedding reception had started , and this man wanted us , as Americans , to congratulate the bride and the groom over the microphone . Tamara was really excited about this , and she told us to say that we offer our congratulations to them , and then explain that this is our first time in Russia and that we have been married for 17 years , etc . etc . The man asked us to take off our coats and come up to the dance floor . Daddy made the congratulations speech and Tamara translated it so all the guests could understand it . Then the bride and groom came up to us with glasses of wine . We indicated that we don 't drink , and then the band started to play . The same man motioned that he wanted us to dance . We danced the first dance along with the bride and groom , but the cameraman was filming only us for the longest time . We felt like some sort of celebrities at someone else 's wedding , and it was all just because we are Americans . At the end of the dance , we congratulated the couple once again , and they gave us a gold and white wedding balloon . We said good - bye and started to leave when the same man came running over to us again . As he was speaking in Russian , Daddy said , " What ? Does he want me to sing now ? " Tamara laughed and she translated that line into Russian . The man motioned that Daddy was welcome to sing with the band . We said , " no , " and Tamara explained that the man just wanted to know how their English sounded in the song they played . They had been playing the Beatles song , " Yesterday , " and I noticed that they were reading the words as they sang them . Their English sounded just fine , and we told them , " Good job ! " I gave them the thumbs up sign . We walked over to you . You had been sitting with one of the hotel employees because we couldn 't convince you to come on to the dance floor with us . The lady had given you three pieces of fruit ( a banana , an apple , and a tangerine ) . You ate the banana while we were dancing , and then you stuck the apple in one of your coat pockets and the tangerine in the other as we headed out the door . We were all laughing about how we had participated in a Russian wedding . It was a lot of fun ! We headed back to Gaya 's apartment , and we put you in the crib for your nap . Daddy and I were lying on the bed , and you kept peeking at us and smiling that adorable smile of yours . You finally went to sleep . You always look so cute when you 're asleep . After your nap , you played some more and we had a great English lesson . Gaya made all of us dinner , and then she got out some of her grandson 's movies . We let you watch American Tail III . You could hear the English in the background , and then a man translated the voices into Russian . The same man translated all the voices , and towards the end of the movie , we could tell he was getting tired , because he was speaking in monotone , but you enjoyed the movie . Tomorrow we plan to buy some more movies in Russian so that you will have something to watch when we first go home to America . Tamara thinks that most of the movies will just be in Russian ( no English in the background ) . You stayed up late on your first night with us . We put you in the crib at about 10 : 00 p . m . , but when we started getting ready for bed , you got really excited . I think this is because you are not used to having a Mom and a Dad sleeping right next to you , and it probably seemed like a slumber party . Who wants to sleep at a slumber party ? I sat by you for awhile because I wanted to rub your little back and tell you how much we love you . Finally you started to settle down and you went to sleep . When I woke up this morning , I looked in the crib , and you were all curled up at one end , and the covers were down at the other end . I covered you up and stared at you for a few minutes . You started waking up about 30 minutes later , but you wanted to lie in the crib for awhile . I will be glad when we get to Moscow so you won 't have to sleep in a crib anymore . We are leaving Birobidzhan in three more days . I gave you a bath this morning , and you got just as excited about the hairdryer as you did the first time . They must not have dried your hair with a hairdryer in the orphanage . We got you dressed , and then Gaya called us for breakfast . The three of us sat down at the table . This was the first time we had breakfast together . We had oatmeal and biscuits with jam . You loved all of this , especially the jam . We finished getting ready , and you watched The Lion King in Russian . This movie had the same English in the background as the movie you watched last night . That must be confusing to listen to . Tamara arrived at 10 : 30 and we went to the flea market to look for some Russian videos . We bought 6 or 7 of them and two audio cassette tapes with Russian children 's songs that are familiar to you . These video tapes are better than the ones Gaya has . They are only in Russian , and there are different voices for all the characters . You have really enjoyed watching them . After the flea market , we made some stops at different places in Birobidzhan to take pictures . We first went to the large sign at the entrance to Birobidzhan that says " Birobidzhan " in both Russian and Yiddish . Then we went to the river . Victor , our driver , pretended to throw you in , and you laughed at this . We next made a stop near the statue of Lenin . This is a huge statue in the center of Birobidzhan . Tamara told us that everyone knows now that Lenin was not a good man , but they haven 't taken down the statue yet . Next we came back to Gaya 's apartment . At 1 : 00 , another interpreter named Ludmillla , and the lady she is translating for , came over to Gaya 's for lunch . Ludmilla wanted to give us a letter and some pictures to take to Sybil in the United States . The lady she is translating for is from Berkeley , California . She just got to Birobidzhan on Friday , and she is here to adopt a one year old little girl . This lady 's name is Cindy , and I could tell that she is very intelligent . I asked her what line of work she is in , and she said she is an attorney . Her practice is in Family Law . Anyway , we had a really nice lunch . After lunch , we gave Tamara and Gaya the gifts we brought for them . We gave each of them some very nice handtowels , some pretty soap , and a $ 100 bill . Tamara translated the notes I wrote to them . They were both very excited and came over and hugged us . Gaya gave us a gift also . It is a small picture to hang on a wall . It was very nice of her . After you woke up from your nap , we played some more , and you watched Winnie the Pooh which is one of the movies we bought at the flea market this morning . I gave you a tiny gumball machine with little pieces of gum in it . They were so small that you took all of them out of the machine one by one until you had a big wad of gum in your mouth . You showed me the empty gumball machine . I think you wanted more gum , but I don 't have any more . We had dinner at the hotel tonight . We invited all the people who have helped us while we are here in Birobidzhan . There were eleven of us in all ( Victor , Tamara , Tamara 's husband , Gaya , Peter , Olga , Marsha , Tatyana , and the three of us ) . When Tamara came to pick us up , I told her that I wanted to curl your hair with the curling iron , but I wanted her to be there so she could explain it to you . You did not want your hair curled , but I wanted to do it once while we have an interpreter with us so that when we get back home , you will understand what I am doing . You looked so cute with your hair curled . We got you dressed in the pretty blue dress again , and everyone else was dressed up , too . Victor even had a suit on . At the hotel , we had the private room again . The table looked very nice . I think everybody enjoyed the dinner . After we got home and it was time for bed , we put on your pajamas and put you in the crib . The crib is right next to the closet where we keep all of our toothpaste , makeup , medicine , etc . You were very curious about all of these things . You first pulled out the lotion and you stuck your feet out through the crib rails . You wanted me to rub your feet like I did the other day . I rubbed them for a few minutes , and then you wanted to look in the closet again . One by one , you took out each item , and I explained what it was for . When you pulled out the eye drops or my contacts , I pointed to my eyes , and said , " eyes . " When you pulled out the hair spray , I showed you how I spray it on my hair . When you pulled out the first aid kit , I took out a bandaid and put it on my finger . When you pulled out medicine , I looked up the word for medicine in my Russian dictionary , and when you tried to open it , I used a word I heard you use , " Foo . " When I asked Marsha what that meant , she said it is a slang word for " I don 't like it ! " I think it translates into English as " YUCK ! " Anyway , you were a very curious girl , but you finally got tired and went to bed . - - - - Welcome ! - - - - Hi ! I 'm Laura . I enjoy sharing simple and delicious recipes that I serve my family and friends . To learn more about me , click here . |
A mostly gray - haired man and a boy walked across a barren boulder - field . The boy 's long brown hair streamed to the side as the two of them skipped from rock to rock . They moved quickly and silently , their soft - soled greenish leather boots made no noise , and neither shifted a single pebble as they moved . The wind blew from the west , whipping their thin dust - infused shirts in the hot , dry air . The man 's face was leathery from years in the sun . His eyes seemed permanently squinted behind the scratched aviator - style sunglasses held to his temples with a leather cord , the stems long - since broken . Despite decades of scraping a living off the land , the man had an easy look on his face , one that proclaimed more happiness than grief in this harsh world . Thirty years before , the field had been lush , green Minnesota pasture . It had probably been littered with ponds and creeks . Or maybe this was an old lake bed ; there was no real way to tell anymore . Anything that would have been an indicator had long since been scoured away . Today it was just part of a large rocky barren . It was already over a hundred degrees , and the sun was not up yet . In another hour or two , they would have to find shelter for the day . The pair reached the first of the scraggly old trees . " Do you see these trees , Ez ? Do you see how the oval - shaped leaves crawl up the branches , lining up two by two ? This is a walnut tree . Do you remember eating walnuts last fall ? " " Yea , Pop . I remember , " said Ez , clearly bored with the conversation . His father was certain the boy would much rather be talking about one of the two girls his age in their town . That was not a conversation he was looking forward to having , although he knew he was going to have to have it soon . At least these days there isn 't much need to talk about STD 's and using condoms , he thought . " Good ! This fall , after the summer heat , we need to come back here . This grove will keep us in nuts for most of the next summer while we 're underground . What do we say about nuts , Ez ? " The two of them had been hunting and gathering food all night , and they were tired . The boy 's father had learned years before that hunting during the day was too dangerous . Even in what passed for winter in Minnesota these days , the UV radiation and heat from the sun was far too powerful to be exposed for more than a couple of hours , but that wasn 't the biggest danger . The experimental animals were out during the day . In this part of the country , they mostly encountered experimental grizzly bears . They were slightly smaller than normal grizzly bears and had a greenish tint to their fur . By the time their prey realized the clever animals hunted in packs and communicated with each other , it was too late . Experimental grizzlies were the apex predators on the planes ; that position was no longer occupied by humans . Most of the trees left standing were mature years ago when the ships first came . Many species of trees were dying off , their seeds finding only rock and hardened clay in which to make purchase . Joe 's hope was that one day the trees would rot and leave a strip of fertile dirt where they 'd fallen . He collected and stored seeds on these gathering trips , just in case . " When you 're sixteen . Until then , you 're stuck with me , pal , " said Joe , tousling the boy 's hair . " Besides , I 'd miss you too much ! " Joe broke into a trot , hopping from rock to rock , trying to leave as little scent as possible behind . The father and son moved along silently for the last mile , listening for some sign of game and looking for any wild edibles they may have missed on the way out . They found none and returned to their burrow with the day 's gatherings . Willa was already there , sitting on the lip of the burrow beside a much larger pile of dirt than they 'd left the day before ; she 'd been busy digging the burrow out to make room for the day 's gathering . Willa was very tall , nearly a foot taller than her father , and very lean . Everyone was lean these days from a life of hard labor . She had long sandy brown hair that she kept tied up on top of her head . Willa had grown up spending the winters outside their town with her dad . They were foragers , tasked with finding food to feed the entire town . It was , without a doubt , the least desirable job in their society . There were kids in their underground village that had never seen the sun . They were born after the Colcoa came and never felt the need to get out and roam . Those people felt like it was a small price to pay for never having to face the experimental animals or the hard , burning planet above . Willa thought those people were crazy . After being in the dark underground town for the three hottest months of the year , it was all she could do to avoid running up to the surface to spend two minutes outside in the scorching heat . Surely the sunburn would be worth it . Down in the cool cavern they called home , a reminder of the sun and how good it felt for the hour or two she got to see it every day during the fall , winter , and spring . " Naw . Just these fish , " she said , grinning while she held up two trout . Each was as long as Ezekiel 's arm and still flopping on the end of the stringer . " Fish ? Where did you find fish ? Where did you find enough water for fish that big ? " exclaimed Joe , a look of amazement on his rugged face . He sat down on the hard earth and dangled his legs into the burrow , feeling the cool air inside . " There 's a creek running out of the rocks about twenty miles south of us . You two just went the wrong way ! There 's dirt there , Dad . Real dirt . With plants growing in it . I didn 't bring any , but Dad , there were flowers ! They smelled so good ! Once I got there , I didn 't ever want to leave . " Willa 's excitement was contagious . Ezekiel was grinning from ear to ear , watching his sister practically bouncing while she told of it . " I also found these berries , " she said , pulling a pouch out of her backpack . " There were tons of them ! " She opened the pouch to show off the beautiful red berries , grabbing one to toss it in her mouth . " Willa , NO ! " Joe was staring at the berries in her hand . " Those are poisonous . They are brindleberries . You would be dead within minutes of eating one of those . " Willa looked sheepish as she dumped the contents of the pouch out on the ground . " No wonder the bushes were so loaded . I should have known . How could a bush right next to a water source have any berries left this late in the season unless they were poisonous ? Sorry , Dad . " " You covered forty miles today ? " asked Joe . " What if something had attacked you ? How would I ever have found you ? I 'd never be able to live with myself if I lost you . You know not to go more than five miles from camp . " It was hard for Joe to scold his daughter ; he thought she was better able to take care of them than he was , but rules were rules . Out here in this place , not following the rules was what got people killed . It was exactly what got her mother killed . Willa looked slightly abashed , and her cheeks and chest turned bright red . " Dad , I found moving water . And food . We could spend the next summer there . " " Can we , Dad ? Please ? Please don 't make us go back to Red River Falls this winter . I can 't stand another year of being cooped up with nothing to do , " said Ezekiel . Joe gathered his kids into a big group hug and said , " Let 's not get crazy . The water will probably dry up once the real heat sets in . Do you remember how hot Mrs . Aberfinch 's rooms get ? And she 's , what , thirty feet below the surface ? Willa , it gets over a hundred and thirty during the summer . The only surface water we 'll find during summer is up on top of the world . " Joe shared their hopes , but he wanted to hedge them , just in case . " Any plants growing there will almost undoubtedly be poisonous or else something would have eaten them . We 'll head out there as soon as it 's cool enough tomorrow and check it out . There may be some things we can take back to Red River Falls with us , " Joe said . " Willa , hand me the fish . I 'll show you how to clean them . I haven 't had trout since I was a kid ; this is going to be good . " Willa handed him the two trout , and Joe stood up . " Come on . We can 't clean these near where we sleep , and we 'll have to eat fast . The grizzlies will smell the fish from very far off . " The three humans bounced nimbly from rock to rock , keeping up a fast pace for about a mile from their burrow . Willa started digging with her stone knife , and Ezekiel gouged into the rock hard clay with a sharp piece of flint . When they 'd dug down about a foot , Joe lopped the heads off the fish , pulling a string of guts and organs from the body cavity . " See how I cut that ? Cut from this fin to here and then around the head . That lets all the guts stay intact . By cleaning them that way , we don 't spoil the fish with waste . Now in the old days , I would have used a really sharp knife to filet these , but since I don 't have a filet knife , I 'm just going to scale them . " As he spoke , he scraped from tail to head with his flint knife , sending shiny fish scales into the hole at his feet . When he was done , he handed the first fish to Willa . " Be careful , there are sharp bones in there . The backbone runs the length of the fish , so pull the meat off with your teeth , " he said . Willa saved a half of her fish for her dad and handed it to him when he was done filling in the hole . " You take the rest . I 'm full , " she said . " You were right . It was very delicious . " Joe took a bite of the fish , savoring the taste of the meat . Fresh meat was one of the reasons he chose this profession . Even though the townspeople looked down on him and his family as outsiders , he got to spend most of the year with his children , teaching them everything he knew about plants and animals . It was dangerous , but he was good at it . His children were learning the things that would keep them alive when he wasn 't around to protect them anymore . Suddenly , all three of them froze in place . Something changed in the air around them . Seconds later , the sound of a twig snapping somewhere behind Joe dropped them all flat on their bellies . They lay on the rocks , each facing one another , trying to present the smallest possible target for the bears . Without turning around , Joe said , " Stay very still . We have to figure out their plan . Willa , how many do you see ? " " Stay calm . Remember to breathe . I think the three behind me are going to charge and drive us into the group behind Willa . We can 't fall for their plan . Willa , take Ez and run straight back to the burrow . Block the entrance and hunker down for the day . I 'm going to lead them off . " " Willa , I need you to keep you both safe . If I 'm not back by night fall , come look for me . I 'll be at the river you spoke of . " " Do as I say , Wil . I don 't have time to argue . When I have their attention , you and Ez go straight to the burrow . " Joe leapt up from his prone position and yelled , charging the three green - tinted bears . All three stood up on their hind legs , fully two feet taller than the human . The middle bear growled , and the two on either side dropped down and charged at Joe , and two more broke from either side . He 's the pack leader , thought Joe . The pack leader growled softly , and all five bears started advancing . Joe sang the song again , as loudly as he could , charging the bears himself , hoping to break up their plan . He ran straight for the pack leader , arms outstretched . He had a rock in one fist and his flint knife in the other . Joe wasted no time . He vaulted over the grizzly 's back and ran for all he was worth , away from the safety of their hole , dragging the danger away from his children . He ran north with energy he hadn 't felt in years , out into the barren rocky plain . Joe ran from the experimentals almost as fast as his legs could carry him . He needed the bears to know where he was , and he needed them to continue following him . The thought of them getting to his children was beyond his ability to comprehend . As he ran , he yelled at the top of his lungs , " Hey , big dumb bears ! " and , " Follow me , green abominations ! " He burst out of the woods onto the rocky barrens . He glanced over his shoulder as he ran , skipping from point to point of huge and jagged granite boulders . He counted eight bears in the pack chasing him and hoped that was all of them . Twenty minutes and four miles later , the bears were still following . Staying on the automobile - sized rocks was the only way he could stay ahead ; on open ground , they would have caught him within the first mile . Joe ran on for another hour , watching the sun rise in the sky . His feet were bleeding inside his hand - made leather boots . His boots were made for stealth , not protection ; the soles were very thin and flexible to muffle sounds . The sharp , pointy edges of the boulders were shredding his feet through them . The temperature was rising , and Joe was sweating valuable water , but more importantly , he knew he was burning calories at an alarming rate . Food and water weren 't the worst of his concerns . In another hour , his skin would start to burn , and in two more hours , he 'd be in serious risk of heat - stroke . The good news was the bears were in the same predicament . Although they were covered in fur to protect them from sunburn , the heat would still take its toll on them . He hoped they would have to stop before he did . Joe angled towards the woods when he saw his lead was growing , but he wasn 't going to make it . The sun was rising too fast , and his skin was already hot . Joe slowed his pace long enough to pull his shirt sleeves over his hands and tie Marna 's scarf over his face , tucking the edges up under his glasses . The scarf never left his side ; it was one of the last pieces he had of his wife . She 'd been wearing it the night the Colcoa killed her . The Colcoa had been very friendly when they first arrived . They put on an act that they were peaceful explorers , looking for advanced civilizations to help . They shared their technology and medicine , they showed mankind how their ships worked , and they even provided the humans with an unlimited energy source . That friendship lasted about a year while they secretly cataloged the planet . Then , one day , things got ugly . The orbiting ships fired some sort of energy wave at the planet , killing every human it touched . Billions of people lost their lives that day , and over the next seventeen years , the Colcoa stripped the world of all of its metal . They took almost all of the fresh water , the fertile topsoil , and anything else they felt like they could use . During their stripping of the planet , they wiped out all of the cities , killing every human survivor . Joe had scavenged the cities after the Colcoa had been through ; they 'd demolished every building , pulled up all of the pipes in the ground , and even taken the steel bars in the concrete . Joe was pretty sure the amount of metal left on the planet would fit inside the living room of his childhood house . Joe stopped running for a second , to make sure that the bears had called off the chase . They were picking their way towards the trees , looking for some shade to wait out the heat of the day . Joe looked around for the largest rocks he could lift and started stacking them between two car - sized boulders . He worked quickly , first building the frame , then filling in the gaps with smaller rocks . He piled stone after stone on top of his shelter , adding mass above him to help absorb the heat . The last thing Joe did was stack rocks up in the entrance of his man - made cave , sealing himself in . Once inside , he took his shirt off and lay down on the cool shaded clay and tried to go to sleep . Sleep was a long time coming . He lay there thinking about Willa and Ez . It was remarkable how much Willa reminded him of Marna . Marna had been short and Willa was tall , but that 's where the differences stopped . Ez was , on the other hand , a perfect combination of the two of them . Joe 's nose and Marna 's blue eyes . He was Joe 's height with Marna 's build . With a smile , Joe reflected on how fantastic his two children were together . Willa was a physical machine . She could outrun Joe in speed and distance , even with Joe 's twenty years as a forager . Ez was the best shot with a bow or a sling Joe had ever seen . Between the two of them , they 'd be able to bring down most anything . Joe fell asleep just before noon and had fitful dreams of being locked inside an oven . When he woke up , the clay underneath him was slimy from his sweat . Joe rolled around in it , coating himself in the softened mud , knowing it would offer some protection from the sun . His skin was already baked , and the cool moist clay was soothing . The lone figure stood up , stretched his legs , ate the handful of berries left in his pocket from the day before , and started off to find his children . It was a long run , but he could really stretch his strides out in the evening breeze . He covered ground quickly once he worked out the stiffness from a long , troubled night in the rocks . As soon as Willa saw her father was safely ahead of the bears , she was up on her feet . She drew her bow and fired an arrow at one of the bears that chased him . She nocked another , but by the time she was ready to fire , it was out of range . From her left , two of the green monstrosities crashed out of the woods . She turned and fired , impaling one of them in the mouth as it roared . The arrow penetrated up through the grizzly 's palette and into its brain . Its roar was abruptly cut off , and it collapsed head first into the ground , rolling over one time before coming to rest on its side . The second grizzly was closing too fast for her to get another shot . " Ez , RUN ! " she yelled , grabbing his hand and dragging him off the rocks . " Faster , " she yelled a couple of steps later as she slung her bow across her back . " He 's going to catch us ! " The brother and sister ran for all they were worth . Willa was fast and knew she could easily outpace the bears . She 'd been running in this terrain her whole life . Her long legs allowed for her to take one stride for every one and a half of Ezekiel 's , and her abnormally long toes allowed her to grip and maintain her balance on the rocks . Her brother , on the other hand , was not made for speed . He was a distance runner . He could run all day and all night without stopping , and he could move almost as silently as their father at his top speed , but it wasn 't enough . They ran into a group of trees . Weaving in and out of the trees , Willa grabbed her brother and set him on her shoulders . " When you can , grab a branch and swing up into the tree . We 're not going to get away , " she said as she lifted him . She looked for just the right tree . It had to be small enough that Ez could climb quickly but big enough that the bear couldn 't push it down . The bear chasing them was about forty feet behind her when she found the right tree and pointed it out to her brother . Ezekiel grabbed the branch and swung himself up , and within a few paces Willa was back at her full stride . " If he follows me , count to three hundred and run to the burrow ! " she yelled as she sped off . Her hope was use the scent of her tracks from earlier that day to lead him off that way , and she knew the only way she 'd be able to do that is if it lost sight of her . She opened up her stride and sprinted as hard as she could towards the trail she 'd left . She wiped sweat from her brow with her hand and slung it down onto the dirt as she turned and followed her own trail out of the woods into the rock field that made up most of Minnesota . She ran for another three or four minutes , well ahead of the bear . When he was fully out of sight , she pulled out her water skin and sprayed a rock to the left before hopping on to it . The clever girl bounded from rock to rock on the balls of her feet . Before each step , she sprayed a little water on the rock before she put her foot down . Most of her scent would evaporate with the water on the hot rocks . She only hoped it was enough that the bear would keep going . She hopped like this with the wind at her back as long as she felt she could ; if it got within sight of her , the ruse wouldn 't work . She thought differently than he did . He always played it safe . Willa wondered if he 'd always been that way or if it was more - so as he aged . Willa , on the other hand , never underestimated herself . She knew she could handle one bear . She 'd killed one already with a lucky arrow and wounded another . She was thinking that maybe she should just kill this one when she spotted it running down her trail . It passed the spot where she 'd lept off her trail without pausing , nose to the rocks , raised its head , and galloped off towards the river she 'd found that morning . Willa waited for five minutes before springing towards the burrow , desperate to make it back before the sun was fully out . She slowed as she approached their underground home . Silently , the huntress crept towards the opening with the wind in her face , sniffing and listening for any sign of the experimental bears . The burrow door was firmly closed , and there was no sign of them . She knocked twice , paused , and knocked twice more . That was her knock , the signal that it was Willa , but the door didn 't move . She gingerly opened the door to their hole and called inside . " Ez ? Are you in there ? " But there was no answer . They 'd been in the area for weeks now . The territory was very familiar . The sun was almost up , but she paid no attention to the growing heat as she closed the door to their home and ran off looking for Ezekiel . She knew she only had a small window of time left ; the sun was now fully over the horizon , and she could already feel its heat in her skin as she ran . She made wider and wider circles , looping around the burrow . Her panic was growing with each circuit . It took nearly an hour before she found Ezekiel , unconscious and leaned against a tree . Beside him , the corpse of a grizzly lay still , covered in blood . It was almost eleven in the morning . Her skin was red and burning . She didn 't stop to even look him over . Willa picked up her little brother and ran as fast as her weary legs would take her towards the safety and shade of the burrow . Once she was safely inside , she laid Ezekiel down on the floor and went to the water bucket . As she washed the blood from her little brother , she was once again grateful for this burrow . Her father had built a network of underground houses , each about half a day 's journey from the next . Each year , at the beginning of the season , before they 'd gathered anything , the three of them spent a week working on the next burrow . Each evening , a little before sunset , they would take off for the next site , covered head to toe . They would run for four hours to the next location and dig . All three of them dug , using whatever they could find , for three hours , and then they started the run back . They had to do it early in the season while the days were shortest and the nights were longest . The family had completed this burrow last year . It was small , compared to some of the first ones , when both her mother and father had worked on them , plus the first one outside of town was almost as old as Ezekiel . Each year , Joe improved on each of the burrows as they passed through . The first burrow was three rooms plus a large storage room . It was Willa 's favorite ; she kept a few of her most prized possessions in her bedroom there , and she always looked forward to the one week per year they got to stay there . This last one , which Ezekiel had ironically named Rock Mountain , was only one room plus the storage room . The three of them each had their own raised platform to lay out their bedrolls . Joe had started work on the first bedroom , but it was only a few square feet . There was no dead wood here , so they had to use rocks to shore up the burrow , and that made digging rooms more difficult . They had to haul the rocks in and store them inside for when her father needed them . After several minutes of washing and inspecting her brother , Willa peeled his tunic up and found a cut across his belly . It wasn 't large or bleeding profusely , but it had ugly brown streaks at the edges . She washed the wound and noticed some dried greenish puss at the bottom . Ezekiel was burning up , and his legs were shaking . She had no idea what to do . There wasn 't anything to do but wait . She tried to get comfortable beside him and plan her next move . Her dad would be back as soon as it was safe for him to move , she had no doubt . If Ezekiel was better , she would wait for him , but if he worsened over the day , she would leave him a message and take off with him . It was about eighty miles west to Red River Falls . She 'd have to stop at least once for the day . That 's not the closest town , she thought to herself . Duluth is closer . It 's probably only forty miles from here . Her father would kill her if she took him to Duluth . She could just hear his voice . " Duluth is full of snakes and grizzlies . They just look like people . They 'll kill you for your boots . " Ezekiel stirred , groaning . She re - wet the compress on his head and laid it back on his forehead . " Shhh , Ez . Everything 's going to be okay . I got you . " He seemed to calm back down after a few seconds . His fever seemed about the same , which was a bad sign . About an hour later , she washed the honey off , added more , and flipped the cabalage root pad over . She tossed the part that had been in contact with the wound and re - tied the bandage . The cut was less angry looking but was showing some grey flesh along the edge . Come on , Dad . I need you , she thought . It was hot in the burrow that day . Normally , they sealed off the door and hung a blanket over the entrance , but today Willa needed some light , so she left the door to the burrow cracked just a hair . The heat in the entry way was intense , so she kept Ez back against the far wall , where some coolness remained in the earth . She tried to sleep . She knew she had a long run ahead of her . If she was going to get Ezekiel to Duluth , she could make it in one long night . If she went to Red River Falls , she would take two . If her father was here , he 'd never let her go to Duluth , but if he was there , he 'd slow her down . Even if she had to carry Ezekiel the whole way by herself , it would take half of a third night . Her father just didn 't have the stamina he used to , although he wouldn 't admit it . Willa knew she was in the best shape of her life . Her feet were a little sore , but her legs were still strong . She guessed she 'd run fifty miles that day . All day long , Willa argued with herself over her course of action . Late in the afternoon , she peeled Ezekiel 's eyes back . They looked yellow . His fever broke soon after . Willa checked the wound ; there were red streaks running in every direction from the cut . Blood poisoning , she thought . That answers that . I 'm going without Dad . It was about an hour until she could go ; she made the decision to go to Red River Falls . Her dad could catch her at the first burrow and see if there was anything he could do . She only had enough cabalage root for one more change here , but she knew her dad left some at every burrow . The sun was still streaming in the crack in the door when she started packing her backpack . She refilled her water skin and then added some fresh bandages and a few pieces of dried meat . She put it on backwards , so the pack was on her chest , and slung Ezekiel over her back , tying his arms and legs together so he 'd stay . She threw her sheet over her head , draping it over Ezekiel , and climbed up the stairs . The heat hit her when she shoved the door open ; it was still over a hundred degrees . She affixed her smoked glass goggles and made sure all of Ez 's skin was covered . She climbed out , slid the door back in place , and picked up a stick and wrote " Ezekiel hurt . Headed to " . She paused for just a second before scratching " Duluth . " Underneath that , she drew a circle with a bowed line through the middle and an arrow pointing in the direction she would be travelling . It was a sigil she and her father had worked out long before . It was quick , easily recognizable , and informative . She ran rather than think about her decision . It was made , and that was that . She maintained a punishing pace . Willa bounded from rock to rock , each step causing Ezekiel to bounce mercilessly on her back . After a few miles , she hit the gravel south of the boulder field , and she was able to lengthen her stride and set into an easy lope . She estimated four miles an hour across the boulders and then six miles in the hour she ran across the gravel before stopping for the first time under a scrubby pine tree . She ate some venison jerky , drank some water , and tried to get some water into Ezekiel . She sat for ten minutes , stretching her legs . Just before she took off , she scratched another bow and arrow sigil pointing south . Under it she wrote " 8 : 30pm . " She was making good time . When Willa and Joe used to run together , he always pointed out how fast she was . She had huge feet with toes that were almost as long as her fingers . Joe said that 's why she was so fast on the rocky terrain ; her toes could grip the rocks . She 'd been travelling by herself for a long time . It was almost second nature to keep track of the miles as they ticked by . She knew her paces . Her father had worked with her for years to drive the importance of knowing where she was into her brain . " When the Colcoa came , I couldn 't even drive home without my GPS , " he 'd said so many times . " Now we don 't even have a paper map . You have to keep the map in your head . Getting lost out here will get you killed . " She kept up the twelve miles per hour for another three hours , before she started seeing signs of an old city . The Colcoa hadn 't had much interest in concrete , but they did want all of the metal pipes that humans laid under most roads . They had a machine that drove along ripping up the road to get the iron water and sewer pipes up and to get the steel bars out of the concrete . Her father called those piles of concrete ' tailings , ' the parts left behind after a mine had extracted everything useful out of the soil . The whole world was tailings . As Willa climbed over the pile of concrete , Ezekiel stirred and moaned in her ear . She set him down and checked the wound . The red streaks were getting worse . His face was clammy , and his eyes rolled back in his head . She sat on the ground next to him , breathing hard , and tried to get some water into him . He coughed the water up but managed to get the second gulp down his throat , then took two long pulls herself . She was down to about two cups left and found herself fantasizing about the cool , crisp water in the river she 'd found . The first thing she 'd done when she found it was jump in and suck down as much of the water she could hold . Then , just before she left , she drank at least two more skins ' worth . That was the first time she 'd ever been underwater , because it was the first time she 'd ever seen enough water in one place to cover her . She ran along , her legs screaming at her to stop , but she ignored their protestation ; she was so close to saving Ez . A cramp developed in her calf from where she 'd altered her stride to keep Ezekiel from bouncing so much on her back . There wasn 't much she could do , so she ignored it as well and tried to adjust her step back to a more normal motion , shifting more of the work to her abused thigh muscles . More and more tracks added to the set she was following , confirming to Willa that she was heading in the right direction . She passed a tree , then another . Ahead , the lane she was following entered what could only be described as a forest . Willa studied the trees to keep her mind off the pain in her body , pushing herself well past what she thought was her breaking point . The trees were lined up like soldiers , row after row , well tended and apparently disease free . There wasn 't any scrub or brush under them or around the trunks ; instead , the ground was covered in dead leaves , spread evenly throughout . Whoever was in charge of this land was doing their best to make it fertile , returning nutrients to the soil . She saw oaks and maples mostly , with some walnuts and pecans . She had to be getting close to town . These trees were new , planted after the Colcoa wiped out the population of this area , less than ten years old . Duluth must be rich to have this much dirt , she thought as she ran . Just a few steps later , she felt a sting in her thigh and looked down to see a feathery dart sticking in her leg . She had just enough time to swat it out before she collapsed to the ground , unconscious . Joe ran as hard as he could for their burrow . He flew into the section of woods where their home was , darting and zig - zagging through the trees . As his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest , his only thought was to get to his children . He skidded to a halt in front of the burrow door . His heart sank when he saw the words , " Ezekiel hurt " and " Duluth " scratched into the dirt at the entrance . Joe took a minute to head down into the burrow to refill his water skin . Hidden deep in the back of the burrow behind all the provisions , Joe pulled out a small piece of canvas and unrolled it . Inside was a steel tomahawk , enough metal to buy his way out of this mess . Marna had hated that tomahawk . One morning in the earliest days of Duluth , Joe was getting ready for work in his apartment and having a briefing with Franklin . Marna came into the bedroom as he was slipping the hatchet - like weapon onto his belt . " It 's a weapon for killing people , " she 'd said . Joe had always loved to run . He let his mind roam and put his body on autopilot , ticking the miles off towards his children . His pace was fast . He needed to catch Willa before she got within the perimeter of Duluth . She was quicker than he but was heavily burdened . He was confident he could catch her in time if he could sustain the pace he 'd set . His mind wandered back to when he and Marna had just arrived in Minnesota , after months of walking north , desperate for cooler temperatures . Joe grew up in South Carolina . In high school , he 'd been a cross - country track star , winning a scholarship to Clemson University , where he 'd met Marna . The two of them fell in love in college . They were both majoring in agricultural studies ; Marna 's specialty was horticulture , while Joe was majoring in farm management , with a focus on the cattle business . When the Colcoa came , they 'd been in their final year of study . The world changed so much in that year ; people rioted in the streets , the stock market crashed , and money became virtually useless . The stores emptied out . The Colcoa were handing out food rations . The rations were a useless , tasteless gel that kept people alive but did nothing to satisfy their hunger or their spirit . With free food and free energy , people stopped going to work , and infrastructure broke down . People barricaded themselves in their homes . There was chaos and anarchy . Joe and Marna went to Montana in the middle of their final year of college . It had the lowest population of any state other than Alaska and was the farthest away from any trouble . They sold everything they owned and bought a little cabin and a thousand acres of land . When the Colcoa turned on mankind , neither of them was surprised . They wiped out the highest population centers in one morning . Both coasts went dark . The last news Joe ever saw said the same thing happened all over the world . Joe and Marna lived quietly , working their land and hoping the Colcoa would leave them alone . They hadn 't had much ; Joe scrounged junk yards and odd jobs for their tools . They bought a pair of horses , and Joe traded their truck for an old plow and a wooden cart . They ate well , lived in solitude , just the two of them , and were more in love than any two people had ever been . When the Colcoa rolled through the town outside their house , Joe was there trading his rifle for their winter provisions . After the aliens arrived , the price of firearms skyrocketed . Ammunition was in short supply ; the manufacturers were unable to keep up with demand . His rifle and one hundred bullets would buy him years ' worth of provisions . There just wasn 't a year 's worth of food to be had . He was currently negotiating for the last fifty - pound bag of flour and all the salt Wayne , the store owner , had . The pair realized the machine would crush them in a second . Joe grabbed Wayne 's hand in an attempt to drag him out . Wayne snatched his hand free and darted into the back room . " I gotta get Baxter ! " he yelled . " No time , Wayne ! Come on ! " Joe called , planting one hand on the counter as he vaulted over it heading for the side door . The machine was just feet from the back of the building when Joe leaped out the door , over the five steps , and rolled onto the ground . He heard Wayne scream in pain as Joe barrel - rolled to his feet and sprinted across the dirt road . He hid in a ditch as the hundred foot tall machine rolled past . Armored Colcoa walked on either side of the machine , a hundred yards in front of him . Their battle suits made a low , rumbling hum . That sound invaded Joe 's nightmares . Just the faded memory was enough to bring him near to panic ; at the time , it was all he could do to sit still . There was something primal about the fear it instilled , like the sound of a rattlesnake . He was certain the sound was specifically designed to invoke a panic response in humans , and it worked . From the opposite edge of the small settlement , several men stood from where they were hiding and opened fire . The retorts of their rifles had barely faded when the armored units decimated them . Streaks of blue light erupted from the cannons on the robotic arms , engulfing the entire group of men . Joe kept his head down and focused on surviving long enough to get back to Marna . The next time he looked up , the giant steel wheel had crushed everything in its path . Inside the machine , something happened to the debris before it was ejected in long rows from the back . Once everything was over , Joe ran to the pile and kicked through it . He was sifting through the tailings when he realized there was no metal in it . No pipes , not even a single nail . " The Colcoa are in town . They decimated it . They 're harvesting the metal . We have to go , and we have to go primitive . They killed Wayne , Marna ! They rolled right over the store with him inside . We have to go , and we have to take as little metal as possible . " They packed light , cutting everything metal from their saddle bags . Joe used twine to tie the bags together . They threw their pack blankets over their horses ' backs and climbed on bareback . They decided to take one piece of metal each . Joe chose his tomahawk while Marna picked a knife . He thought about a frigid morning years before . The pair of survivors was near the Canadian border and hadn 't seen another living person for months . " Do you think we could get through their line ? If we could head south and get through , we could set up where they 've already been , and we wouldn 't have to run . " " That 's what they came here for , " Joe said firmly . " Once they have it all , there 's no reason or them not to head to the next planet . We can 't keep heading north . It 's almost winter time , and it 's only going to get worse the farther we go . " " I think we have to try , " Marna said , and the two of them planned their escape . The next day , they rode south towards the Colcoa . From miles away , they watched the lines of the huge alien mining machines , sucking up everything in their path and spitting it out in straight rows behind them . These were much larger than the one Joe had seen in town the day they 'd left their home . Each machine covered several acres . Dozens of them were staggered in a series of V shapes , one overlapping path of the next . Occasionally , the machines would veer around a group of trees or a small hill , leaving tiny spots of green . Marna 's plan worked , and the pair crossed the country . Once they were below the Colcoa machines , they headed east , across the Great Plains . Day after day they walked , across South Dakota , Iowa , and Illinois , until they came to what had been Chicago . Massive mountains of concrete , asphalt , and glass rubble were all that was left of one of the biggest cities on earth . From Chicago , they turned and headed south , scrounging food and supplies as they went . The two of them began to think they were the only people on earth . Despite that , they both felt an intense drive to find their family , knowing , but never admitting to themselves , that they would never see anyone they loved ever again . For the first two years of Willa 's life , the three of them lived pretty well . They had a small garden of a few vegetable plants Marna found and brought back . Joe often remembered those years when he was lonely or missed his wife . Many nights when one of the kids was sick , he 'd sit up all night holding them close , thinking about those happy days . Joe learned to eat tomatoes , something he couldn 't stomach as a child . Marna constantly teased him about that . Every time Joe ate a tomato , he said , " Desperate times call for desperate actions , " and the two of them would laugh , which would set Willa off , her sweet peals of laughter lighting up their small shack and chasing away their fear . Marna taught Joe how to identify plants and their uses . She taught him medicinal plants as well as edibles . Joe taught her how to track , kill , skin , and clean an animal and how to preserve the meat . Willa was two when the Colcoa changed the weather . A huge earthquake woke the little family in the middle of the night . Marna grabbed Willa , and the three of them escaped to the garden as their shack crashed down . On the fifth day of well over one hundred degrees , Marna begged Joe to go north . " Who knows what they 've done this time , but I think that earthquake was the Colcoa screwing with the planet . I think they 're raising the temperature . We have to go . I think it 's only going to get hotter and hotter . We need to travel at night , and we need to go now . " Once again , Joe recognized the wisdom of his wife 's words . They picked their garden , packed up whatever supplies they could , and headed north . Joe strapped his tomahawk to his waist , and Marna hung her worn knife from her belt . The Colcoa were headed south this time . The machines were different , much bigger this second time . They were bigger than any machine Joe had ever seen made by man , bigger than most buildings . Each covered ten or more acres , and they were hundreds of feet tall . They were like high rises flattening the landscape . That was when Joe realized the line they 'd seen years before was just preliminary work , taking the easy metal . These left nothing behind , taking virtually everything , including the soil . Once again , a few trees were left standing here or there . " We 're going to have to try to hide right at the edge of the lead machine . When it passes , we pop up and try to get into its wake to let the next pass , " Joe suggested . " Unless you have a better option . " " We 'll burn up . It 's already getting too hot to be out in the sun . It 's gotten hotter every single day . We have to try . " Tears fell down his cheeks as he ran towards Duluth , thinking back on that day . " I promised , Willa . I promised , and I 'm coming , baby , " he said , running even faster towards his son and daughter . In their fox - hole , fifteen years before , Joe held Willa to his chest . When the machine passed , the earth shook . " Whatever happens , Joe , " said Marna , " I love you . I wouldn 't trade our time together for anything in the world . I am the luckiest woman on the planet , besides maybe Willa there . Always take care of her , Joe . Promise me that , " said Marna . Joe promised and kissed his wife . " I love you too , Marna . We 're going to be fine . We 'll head north until it 's cool . We 've survived this long ; we 're not giving up yet . " Joe stuck his head out of the hole , handed Willa to Marna , and said , " Go now . I 'm right behind you . " Marna and Willa took off , staying low to the ground . A forty - foot drop down to massive bedrock boulders was behind the machine . A huge field of car - sized boulders stretched out to the south . Marna sat on the edge and slid down , a small avalanche of gravel and dirt following her . " Run and hide ! " Joe yelled down , turning towards the alien . He drew his tomahawk and charged the creature . It raised its arm and fired blue bolts of energy at Joe , but the man was too fast . He closed the distance and leapt at the steel - encased Colcoa . He could see the creature 's terrible face through the glass , some thick gooey liquid running down channels in its cheeks . Joe brought his tomahawk up and down while the thing battered him with its robotic arms , trying to dislodge the human from its metallic shell . Joe reversed the tomahawk , driving the spike into the glass over and over again , prying and chipping his way into the armor . The second Colcoa headed for Joe as he pried the glass away from his target . Inside the cockpit of the armored carrier , the Colcoa operated a number of levers . Joe reached in and pushed its hand , trying to get his tomahawk into the tiny cockpit . As Joe pushed , the suit spun , slowly revolving as the second armored unit closed on them . In one final heave , Joe leaned in , grabbed the Colcoa inside , and pulled , ripping the Colcoa from the cockpit . The armor fell over sideways , and the man rolled over and over , tangled with the alien . Joe was pinned down . He felt around in the dirt beside him as the green monster pushed down his throat . Joe 's hand closed on a rock , and with the last of his strength he smashed the rock into the Colcoa 's head . It went limp , collapsing to the side . Joe wearily climbed to his feet , gathered his tomahawk , and ran towards the second armored Colcoa . There wasn 't much time before more Colcoa would be there . He sprinted to close the distance , hoping Willa and Marna were far away . He didn 't hold much hope of surviving ; he just wanted to buy them time . He heard the armored suit behind him stand up , and then he heard Marna 's voice . " Joe ! Get down ! " she yelled as the armored unit fired . Joe dove to the dirt and watched the Colcoa he was heading for crash over onto its side , engulfed in blue light . They scooped Willa up as the giant machines came to a halt . The two tiny humans ran as hard as they could , but it appeared the Colcoa didn 't chase them . They ran all night long , Marna struggling to keep up with Joe . They slept in cave that night , far underground . They went back into the cave until they found a crevice Joe could barely squeeze through and slept safely in the cavern behind it . That was the start of becoming nocturnal and living underground , Joe thought as he neared the outskirts of Duluth . He stopped in some brush to gather his thoughts and catch his breath . He couldn 't be that far behind Willa . |
Friday morning at 9 o ' clock , Mik picked up Penny from the hospital and took her home . Gee was more than happy to give his secretary the day off to take care of her friend , his detective . Upon arriving at home , Penny went right to sleep . Mik made her chicken soup for lunch , and even though Pen wasn 't really tired , Mik made her friend take another nap . When Penny awoke , she found herself alone . There was a note on the kitchen table : " Tara 's working late . Tim and I went to a movie . Mike promised to stop by later . Don 't wait up . Kisses , M . " Penny fixed herself a bowl of cereal for dinner , and tried to figure out which Mike she could expect a visit from in the near future . Either way , she wanted to look decent , instead of wearing the ratty t - shirt she had thrown on , so as soon as she finished , she went upstairs to change . She put on a pair of jeans and her ruby red sweater , went downstairs , flicked on the TV , and eagerly awaited the arrival of her visitor . It had been such a long time since she had felt his arms around her , his lips against her own . . . she reached out , wrapping her arms around his neck and pulled him close . " Hi , " she said , her lips already touching his , and initiated a deep kiss . Mike was totally thrown off by her aggressiveness , but wasn 't about to argue with it . His arms enveloped her thin frame , drawing her body as close as he could to his . As she allowed his tongue to gently explore her mouth , she bent both of her knees , taking her bare feet off the ground . . . she didn 't know why she did it , but soon realized that she was testing him . To see if he could support her physically , as well as emotionally . But Kellerman didn 't miss a beat , and when she put her feet down , he continued to kiss her as if nothing had happened . Warning bells went off in Kellerman 's head . He knew exactly what she was asking for . . . what she wanted to do . And there was nothing else he 'd rather do than love this woman in every way imaginable . . . but not tonight . " Come on , get your shoes on . " Mike saw a touch of hurt in her eyes , and wanted desperately to explain exactly why they had to go , but knew that if he did , he 'd ruin it . He also knew that as soon as she found out , she would understand . " We 're going to celebrate . " " Sure , hold on , " she said . " Come in while I go get shoes . " She disappeared up the staircase as Mike entered the house and closed the door behind him . " We could celebrate here , " she muttered under her breath as she found red socks and put her black boots on . She grabbed her ski jacket and was all set . " Where are we going ? " " Always , " he replied , opening the door for her and locking it on his way out . They got into his car and drove over to The Waterfront . When they reached the bar , Mike let Penny in first . It was completely empty , which was very unusual for such an early hour , except for Meldrick cleaning glasses behind the bar . " Let the party begin ! " Tara yelled from the pool table , and in a matter of a few minutes , brightly colored streamers and balloons covered the bar . Penny watched in wonder as her friends decorated . A " Happy Birthday Penny " poster hung over the doorway to the pool tables , and a boom box was put atop the bar . " I brought some good music , " she announced , and slipped a CD in . Of course , the first song of a party for Penny had to be from Madonna . " Ray of Light " blasted through the speakers as she tore off her coat and threw it in the corner . She began to dance , moving towards the center of the room , and urging others to join in . By the end of the song , she had almost everyone on the floor with her . Tara , Mik , Brodie , Logan , Tim , Meldrick , Munch , and even Pembleton were moving to the music . Only Gee and Kellerman opted to sit and watch . They went through quite a few quick songs , changing the CD every so often , before a slow one came on . Logan walked up to Penny , took her hand , and kissed it . Everyone sat down except the two as Celine Dion sang " Because You Loved Me . " Mike and Penny couldn 't keep their eyes off each other as they slowly danced around the floor . It was very different than anything anyone there had ever witnessed . They could feel the love between the detectives , the power of it . And they marveled at how apropos the song seemed to be ; even though it had been written to express a romantic message , it fit the relationship between the two friends . In addition , the song also cut both ways - it wasn 't just because Mike loved Penny or Penny loved Mike , it was because they loved each other . Kellerman watched without a hint of jealousy , and was taken aback at how much the two really cared for each other . As the song came to an end , Mike spun Penny out and brought her back to him . He got a good grip under her arms and gently lifted her as they sang the last words of the song . " I 'm everything I am because you loved me . " The silence that followed the song was long . Logan put her down , and they hugged . . . the kind of hug that allows souls to touch for an instant before returning to their respective bodies . When the two finally let go , Penny started to falter . With that , Munch and Bayliss went to the back room , returning with a large chocolate cake that had " Happy Birthday Penny " written on it with aqua icing . There were 12 lit candles on the cake , and when everyone saw the miniature flames , they all burst into the loudest , happiest rendition of " Happy Birthday " that Penny had ever heard . When they were finished , Kellerman said behind her , " Make a wish . " She cut the first piece , and was delighted to find that the chocolate cake was laced with strawberry filling . After serving herself a good sized chunk , she sat atop the bar , and Bayliss carried a large package wrapped in shiny metalic - looking paper . " Happy birthday , Pen . " " That 's from all of us , " Tim replied , backing away so everyone could watch her open her present . She tore it open like an excited child , and found a large box under the paper . She took the top off the box , and her face lit with a thousand candles when she saw what it was - BCPD clothes : a t - shirt , shorts , sweatshirt , and sweatpants . Everything she had in NYPD clothes she now also had in BCPD clothes . " Thank you so much , guys , " she beamed . " Well , we couldn 't have you walking around in NYPD shirts all the time , now could we ? " Gee asked as he took a drink . " This really means a lot to me , " she continued , holding up the t - shirt to make sure that it would fit , " I was going to buy myself these . . . I just hadn 't gotten around to it yet . I couldn 't have asked for a better present . " She looked up into the faces of her dearest friends . " Except for all of you . " Penny hopped off the bar as a few of the guys set up chairs directly in front of the TV . She sat in the center chair , the plate with her piece of cake on it resting on her lap . Brodie sat on one side of her , Kellerman next to her , and everyone else scattered behind her at the bar and at tables . Brodie turned everything on and pressed play . The video began with Brodie himself sitting in front of the camera in The Box . " Penny , this was supposed to be our special way of wishing you a happy birthday , but I added something to it . No one else knows about it , and I 'm sure the other detectives are going to try to kill me after they see this , so I hope I 'm sitting next to you so you can protect me . " Penny smiled at the man on her left and patted his hand reassuringly . She turned her attention back to the television . " This is more than a birthday message , it shows just how much we all care about you , and what we went through when you hung between the delicate balance of life and death . " The tape cut to the title - " Happy Birthday Penny " written with rainbow glitter , presumably by Mik and Tara . Next came an interesting twist . Brodie did an excellent job editing the different aspects together - there were two major categories : scenes of her friends addressing the camera directly wishing her a happy birthday and basically saying nice things about her , and scenes of her friends during the week she was in the hospital . She found both kinds touching , but the ones when she was in her deep sleep were even more so . She hadn 't realized what a big impact she had on their lives . There was Gee stopping at the board and looking at her name for a minute , Logan at his desk staring at the picture of her , Pembleton in the coffee room sitting in his chair and looking at the empty one across from him where she could usually found , and Kay 's eyes that she tried to keep on her paperwork , but which continued to stray to her desk . There was Tara and Mik stopping by her desk and picking up her knickknacks and putting them back down , there was Munch starting a sentence with , " Hey Pen , you gotta see this . . . " his voice drifting off when he saw her empty desk . In The Waterfront , there was Lewis staring at the pool table and playing a game by himself , no doubt imagining her there , and Bayliss standing in front of the Jukebox before finally sticking a quarter in and playing " Material Girl . " Lastly , there was Kellerman beating the punching bag to death , his concentration unbroken by Brodie 's camera . Then it went to the seemingly empty squad room . Logan walked into the vision of the camera and said , " Penny , this one 's for you . " Music started to play in the background , and before she knew it , Mike was singing along to " New York , New York . " One by one the other detectives joined in . . . even Gee , Tara , and Mik got in on the act . Brodie managed to get in as well , and by the end , they were all in a pseudo kick line . It was absolutely hysterical . Penny loved it . She thought that was the end , and was about to say something when another scene came on . Brodie must have been sitting in the corner of The Waterfront for this one . Once again , everyone was there , with the exception of Kellerman , who walked in a moment later . " Well ? " Munch asked expectantly as he poured Mike a shot of Jim Beam . Chairs were moved and music once again blared from the speakers . Penny didn 't last nearly as long as she had last time , participating in only the first few dances , including a slow one with Kellerman . She sat at a table and put her head down , watching the others have a good time , wishing that she had the energy to keep going . Mike went to the corner where everyone 's jackets were piled and took his and Penny 's out of it . " We 're going to get going , " he announced as he helped her with her coat . They all asked her to stay , but were politely turned down by both Mike and Penny , who reasoned that she really did need the rest . Before leaving , she made plans with Logan to get together the next day . . . she wanted to talk with him about the dream she had when she was in a coma . On the drive to her house , Penny dozed . When they reached their destination , she could hardly stand . She was crashing hard and fast , and had to lean on Kellerman all the way to the door . She fumbled with her keys for a while before finally finding the one that fit into the lock . " Do you want me to carry you to your room ? " Mike asked her as she stumbled inside . " Are you trying to find an excuse to be alone in my bedroom with me , Mikey ? " He didn 't respond immediately , trying to figure out if she was just kidding around . " Well , you know I . . . " " I know , Mike , " she yawned . She leaned on the wall for a moment and looked at the floor . " Can I have a piggyback ride ? " " Sure , " he smiled . Penny jumped on his back an allowed Kellerman to carry her up the stairs . " Where to now ? " he asked when they reached the top ; he had never seen her room before , and wasn 't sure which door it was . " Go right , " she mumbled , " Second door on the right . " " Alright then , " he said as he leaned forward to give her a quick kiss goodnight . But Penny still had some energy left , and managed to respond to him somewhat enthusiastically . She just had a pretty big day though , and pulled away when Kellerman was just getting started . Tim Bayliss groped for the phone from his bed . Before he could get the receiver to his ear , he looked at his alarm clock - 7 : 00 am , too early for him to be getting up on a Saturday . " Hello . . . ? " he mumbled . " She 's not in bed . I thought I heard someone walking around the house this morning , but I figured it was Tara . When I heard the front door slam a little while ago , I got up to check . . . Tara 's sound asleep but Penny 's gone . " Bayliss laid back down , inwardly sighing . He adored Mik , but she had a tendency to overreact at the smallest things . " Maybe she went out for a walk . " Bayliss stayed on the phone for a few minutes to say reassuring things to Mik . Personally , he didn 't really see any reason for alarm , but he knew that his girlfriend would worry her head off until her friend was found . He got up , ate breakfast , and threw on jeans and a sweatshirt . Tim drove around the empty streets of Baltimore looking for Penny , assuming that she went for a walk . After a half hour of searching , he gave up and headed for the precinct , figuring that she might have stopped by to catch up on paperwork or something . The weekend shift was in the office , but no one had seen the woman in question . Bayliss checked outside , the squad room , the coffee room , even The Box , but to no avail . He was just about to give up when he heard the clanking of weights as he passed by the weight room . He shook his head , as he opened the door . " Hey , Timmy , how goes it ? " Penny asked in between chin ups . Her attire was scant , a black tank top , darkly colored boxers , white socks , and white sneakers . Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail , and those strands that hung loose were sticking to her face with sweat . " Tim , honey , a body like this needs to be maintained . " She turned her head to face Brodie who had been working on one of the machines until Bayliss walked in . " You never know when it might come in handy , right Brodie ? " Tim sat down on the bench press . " I 'm not leaving until your done , and then I 'm taking you home , " he glanced at his watch - 7 : 45 . " And I hope that 's soon . " Penny finished her chin ups and went on to work on a few machines . Truth be told , she knew that she was going to have to take it easy after her swim in the harbor , so she hadn 't planned on doing much more anyway . But she hadn 't wanted to break her habit of working out every Saturday morning , so here she was doing a modified version of her exercises . While she finished up , Tim slipped out to call Mik and tell her that Penny would be home shortly . He returned to the room and watched her work out - she did a few more chin ups , as well as working on two of the machines . Bayliss was impressed with her strength , and more than a little interested in her body , of which he had never seen so much before . But he had no intentions of seducing her , and betraying his girlfriend as well as Kellerman , he was just surprised at how muscular and shapely she was . . . he had always thought of her as a fellow detective , not as a woman per se , so her appearance was unexpected . When she was done , she stretched for five minutes , and approached the pile of clothes that Tim hadn 't even noticed on the floor . She put on her BCPD sweatshirt and sweatpants , and slung her roller blades , which were tied together , over her shoulder . Tim shook his head at her again as she said good - bye to Brodie . They walked to his car in silence , followed by the short drive to her house . She thanked Bayliss for the ride before jogging up her front path . Penny went to her room to shower , and Bayliss went to his apartment to sleep . She looked at him for a full minute before realizing that she had been asked a question . " Me ? No , Mik woke me up this morning . . . followed by Logan 's appearance around 9 . I couldn 't fall back asleep . " She watched him try to find a way to respond , but decided that she didn 't want to torture the poor guy so early on their day off . " I know , Mike . She was probably out of it when you two got back . Go right up . . . and tell Logan that when he 's finished up there that I 'll be in the kitchen . " Kellerman climbed the stairs and made a right . He heard Penny giggling from the hallway , followed by a deeper laugh . When he reached her door , he knocked lightly , and was immediately told to come in . Penny was laying face down on her bed , a white towel covering her butt , but the rest of her body exposed . Logan was sitting next to her , massaging her lower back with his large hands . Her head rested on her folded arms in front of her , her hair still a little damp from her shower . She turned her head to face him a moment later , and upon seeing him started to sit up , realizing almost too late that she was topless . " I 'm not interrupting anything , am I ? " Kellerman asked . " Nah , Logan and I were just talking . " That was true of course , but not specific . Her and Mike had spent a good 45 minutes trying to figure out her dream , if that 's what it was , coming up empty handed . They finally decided that even if it was just her mind making things up , it was still true . Her parents did love her despite the fact that she had chosen a career different than the one they 'd hoped she would follow . The following 25 minutes were spent discussing their significant others , both Tara and Kellerman . Penny was surprised how attached her friend seemed to be to her roommate , and Mike was equally surprised at the apparent depth of feeling Penny had for Kellerman . But both were happy with their relationships , and happy for each other as well , so it had been a pleasant conversation . Both Mikes turned away from the bed as Penny got up and wrapped the towel around her torso . Once it was secure , she sat back down on her bed , leaning her back against the headboard . " Ok , you can look now . " When Kellerman turned around , and saw her wrapped in the white towel , he finally comprehended the situation he had walked in on . Another man had been massaging his almost naked girlfriend . If it had been any other guy with any other girl , he would have gone nuts . But it was his Penny , who would never do anything to hurt him , and Mike Logan , who was her best friend . He realized how much he really did trust her . . . if it took him this long to notice what was going on , he must trust her , and Logan , a great deal . She looked back and forth to the two Mikes standing on either side of the bed as she stood . " Do you two have any idea how lucky I must be ? I mean , women would kill to be in their bedrooms with the two of you , alone , wearing nothing but a towel . " She ran her hand through her hair before continuing . " Any ideas , guys ? " As soon as Logan left , Penny felt self - conscious . She was now standing alone in her bedroom with Kellerman , and though she knew that he wouldn 't pressure her to do anything she didn 't want to , it just didn 't feel right . She felt like a cheap floozy . . . like she did in her stripping days . She shifted her weight from one foot to the other , trying to figure out a way out of the situation , to stop feeling like a slut , without letting Mike know that anything was wrong . " Well , on cold days like these , hot fudge is preferable , " she kidded . Kellerman picked up on her discomfort right away , partially because he felt the same way . With Logan in the room they had to behave , but now that they were alone . . . in a bedroom . . . Penny with only a towel around her . The temptation was immense for both of them . And it 's not that either of them didn 't want to make love to the other . . . it 's just that this wasn 't how they envisioned it . Somehow the situation didn 't fit . They were frozen where they stood , unable to move or speak until a crash from the kitchen broke the silence . " Well , I guess Mike plans on experiencing life on every floor again , " Penny said , rolling her eyes , " Starting in the kitchen . " Penny nodded , grateful for the suggestion , and Mike walked to the hall , closing the door behind him . She dressed quickly in her fuzzy aqua sweater and a pair of jeans . Once again she reached for her black boots after putting on a pair of socks , and grabbed her ski jacket before opening the door . " I 'm ready , let 's go . " Before leaving altogether , Penny stopped by the kitchen , leaning her ear on the door before she entered . She didn 't want to intrude , but at the same time , she wanted to make sure to tell Tara they were going . She didn 't hear anything coming from the room - no groaning , heavy breathing , or even talking - so she had no idea what was going on in there . She figured there was only one way to do this . Penny and Mike slowly snuck away from the door a good distance . When they were relatively far , Penny said very loudly , " I 'll be there in a minute Mike , let me just tell Tara we 're leaving . " She waited a few seconds , then walked in the kitchen . Tara was at the sink and Mike was at the kitchen table . Pen still couldn 't tell what they 'd been up to , and decided that she didn 't want to know . " We 're heading out , ok ? " She left the kitchen and met up with Kellerman at the door . " Well ? " he asked as they walked towards the car . She looked over her shoulder at the somewhat empty house . " I just hope they don 't wake up Mik . . . that would be a surprise for the three of them . " They drove in silence to the docks . Penny was looking out her window , thinking about what she and Logan had been saying about her parents . Mike kept his eyes on the road , thinking only about how pleased she 'd be when they got to the boat . He parked , and the two walked to Case Closed . Mike jumped on the boat first , and turning offered Penny his hand . " Let me help you . " " I don 't need any help , " she snapped . Kellerman withdrew his hand , and let it hang by his side . He was unprepared for her reaction . . . after all , he was just trying to be polite . Penny sighed . She was grumpy from lack of sleep , which she still hadn 't caught up on despite the early hour she 'd been going to bed , and she was taking it out on the man who probably had lost a great deal of sleep during her coma . " I 'm sorry , Mike . " She stood on the dock , awaiting his hand to extend towards her once again , which it did after a moments hesitation , and took it . He grasped her hand with his , while the other one moved to her back as she jumped aboard . He lead her into the living area , where she found things changed around a bit . His kitchen was in the same place , a little neater than the first time she saw it , but that was about it . The real change was in what could be considered the living room . There was a large , mustard - colored couch which started almost at the door , and went around the corner of the room , where it continued until it reached what looked like a dresser . A coffee table stood in front of the couch , and a TV lay across from the previously mentioned furniture on a small table , along with the VCR . " No , " Penny said , considering what it was that she wanted to say as she sat down . " Not cold , really . It dripped with testosterone . It was too harsh . . . it needed to be softened a little . A woman 's touch , if I may say so . " Mike sat next to her . " So I softened it ? " She nodded . " Well then , I guess it didn 't need a woman 's touch after all . " She looked down at her hands . " Try to tell me that you wouldn 't have changed things around if we hadn 't met . Believe it or not , Mike , you changed it for me . " Though Kellerman knew that she was probably right , he outwardly dismissed the idea . " This has nothing to do with you . I just thought that I could use a change . " " Ah , " Mike said , grateful that she changed the subject , reached for the pile of videos on the coffee table . " Let 's see , we have a wide variety of movies for your viewing pleasure . Silence of the Lambs , Wait Until Dark , Midnight Lace , Clue , and Lethal Weapon . " Mike turned on the TV , popped the tape in the VCR , and pressed play . The two sat next to each other for the duration of the 2 hour movie . Kellerman made no attempt to hold her , and Penny gave no indication that she wanted to be held , but Mike 's arms ached to be around her as they watched . But he restrained himself , reasoning that if she wanted something , she 'd tell him so . And besides , she was still weak and tired from the hospital . The movie ended , and the two decided to order a pizza . While they waited for it to arrive , Penny told Mike of her original desire to be an FBI agent , and how she changed her mind when she reached her early teens . Mike was fascinated by the idea , he 'd wanted to be a cop since he was 5 . . . and nothing else but a cop . It was interesting to him that she 'd wanted to be something different . Meanwhile , the pizza came , and after the two finished it off , it was time to pick another movie . This time , Penny chose Midnight Lace . " What 's this one about ? " Kellerman asked . Kellerman took out the last tape and placed this one in the VCR . He returned to the couch and once again sat beside Penny . As the previews started , Penny spoke to him without taking her eyes off the screen . " Why don 't you put your arm around me ? " Penny turned her head to face him , half of her face in the shadow of the boat 's drawn blinds , half still lit with the flickering lights of the TV . She tilted to her head , looking at him closely . " Sometimes . . . " She paused for a moment , trying to get the words out , as hard as it was for her to do . " Sometimes a woman wants to be held . Not kissed , or fondled , or stroked . . . not sweet nothings whispered in her ear . She just wants to be held . " Penny lowered her eyes before returning her attention to the screen . It was not in her character to show weakness . . . to let others know that she had needs . But this was one need that she had to fulfill . She still felt vulnerable , unsure of what was going to be the next major event of her life , and she needed to know that he 'd be there to support her . Mike carefully put his arm around her shoulders and drew her close to him . She let him do so , and allowed her tension to flow into his warm body . She placed her head on his shoulder as the movie began . Halfway through the film , Mike started to ask Penny something , but found her sound asleep against his shoulder . He smiled a little , and watched the end by himself , not moving for a full hour after the movie was done , afraid that he 'd wake her up if he moved , and content to simply feel her breathe against his body . |
One of the things I wasn 't sure I would be able to handle coaching in this town were the parents . The dads , especially . Even when we were good , back then , if anybody made a mistake some dad would be yelling about it , yelling at the boy on the team , yelling at Coach Olson . If something wasn 't perfect then it was somebody 's fault . Kids are here to learn the game . They don 't need that kind of craziness . Well , so far , I haven 't had it . I think I 'm invisible sometimes . We have a kid on the team , Timms , who is tall but awkward . He must have grown all of a sudden , his legs won 't get out of the way of his body . Trips over himself . He must have it terrible at home . The first couple of games last fall , I heard a man in the stands yelling at him . I couldn 't hear what he said . We were talking on the bench , I was talking to him about his coverage in man - to - man , and the guy starts yelling . I said , " Is that your father ? " He just nodded , he looked terrified . I turned around and looked up in the stands . I wasn 't sure which guy it was , just looked in the direction where I had heard the voice . Never heard it again the rest of the day . I guess nobody wants to fuck with the Indian coach . Sometimes I think people must think I talk a different language , they get all quiet and tongue - tied when I 'm around . Last weekend we played a team from Glasgow and when I walked into the gym they all got quiet . The guys on the other team stared , even the coach stared . Like we must be the wrong team , showed up in the wrong place . They were quiet the whole game . I don 't let my guys trash talk with the other team , and I think that made it even worse . We were too quiet , menacing . I guess I shouldn 't say I 'm invisible . I 'm maybe too visible . But I 'm not sure when people look at me they see another man . I don 't know what they see . I grew up west of here , but it wasn 't a lot different . Wheat country . Just outside a little town of about 200 people , Norge . It was the house my great grandfather had homesteaded a hundred years before . Came out from Norway with almost nothing . They came from Stavanger , and I think that may have been his name , or at least where my name came from . He wasn 't Stave . He changed it to that when he registered on the property . The story is that he thought Stave made it sound more American . Sounded like part of an American barrel , anyway . He was trying hard to fit in . It wasn 't a rich piece of land , but we did well on it , even in the lean years in the 30s , when I guess they had some years of drought . People didn 't have much to eat . My dad was just a boy then . You would have thought he would have learned better . When I was a teenager , back in the 1970s , they started telling everybody to plough up every last foot of their farms . Fencerow to fencerow , my father would say . He was a guy to follow orders , or at least suggestions . You didn 't want to have a guy like him around a television , he 'd have the house full of junk that different people on ads would have said would make your life better . He liked to believe people . He was a good guy and he trusted , like he trusted the guy from the farm bureau who told him to buy a bigger combine and plough up every bit of land he could . Prices were terrible , and I remember one year he had all his grain in the elevator for more than a year . Said he wasn 't going to sell it till the prices went back up . Never mind that we didn 't really have food to eat except what my mother had canned , and that wasn 't lasting much , especially since I was a teenager . Next thing you know all our stuff is up for auction and we 're out of our house and living in a single - wide on a neighbor 's property . I didn 't even understand what was going on . I was a senior in high school but I was just a dumb jock , playing football and basketball and I didn 't see the freight train coming until it had smashed into us and taken everything . My dad was broken . Eventually he went off to the Twin Cities and found a dumb job , took my sisters and my mother down there and started over . I was so angry and ashamed for him I couldn 't face it . I had no idea what to do , I was just blind angry . I ended up in the army , went over to Germany . Ended up serving in the military police . I was surprised . I had been a troublemaker in high school , when I was just goofing off all the time and didn 't know how serious things were , how they could go to hell in a heartbeat . I never could have imagined myself a cop . But there I was . I also got to visit Norway while I was over there , got to visit the village near Stavanger where my great grandfather had come from . It cooled me off a little . Even though it still seemed like my father had thrown everything away , going back to where the family had come from , I had a little peace about it . Everything seems to go in a circle . Bad things happen but it 's all right in the end . When I came back I decided to go to school so that I could be a civilian police officer . Not just an officer but someday run a department . And here I am . Jericho isn 't my home town , but it 's like my home town . Feels like I never left home . I like the feeling of protecting people . I like knowing they trust me , and being the guy they can trust . I didn 't trust much after we lost of our house . Sometimes I think the reason I like to protect people is that I want to protect them from the bad things that happen to me . You would think after how many people lost their farms fifteen , twenty years ago that people would have learned a lesson , but no , they keep going and doing dumb things , buying too much expensive equipment , plowing too much , laying up too much in the elevators even though they can 't get the price for it . I can 't really protect them from doing all those stupid things , but some days , on good days , I go home feeling like I 've stopped something stupid from happening , and that maybe some kid somewhere won 't have to go through his whole 20s being blind angry with the world . Maybe I could protect a few people from that , it would be a life worth having been lived . For the record , it was the kind of restless weather that gives birth to those unexplainable , nutty ideas . Wind blowing , hard cold out of the northwest , light snow swirling down on the gusts . For some dumb reason I went out in it on my bike . I had the wrong gloves on and the cold was blowing right through my riding gloves . I couldn 't feel my fingers . Not a half mile down the road from the house a gust nearly blew me off the bike and I realized it was so dark with the clouds hanging low and the snow blowing that I could barely see the lights from town . I could barely see the gravel road right in front of me . I could have taken the truck , should have turned around then , but I didn 't . Instead , I just made it worse . As I got into town and I wasn 't sure I was even holding the handlebars I turned down the street toward the Uptown . Told myself I needed to get warm . So when I arrived at her door an hour later , I was now a little tanked up on top of being cold . I think I surprised her , not really in a good way . She wondered what I was doing out there , maybe a little too much alarm in her voice . And I said something stupid - of course I was going to say something stupid in that circumstance - what else could one say when the windchill is below zero and it 's dark and snow is billowing around and anyone smart would be at home , curled up in bed or by a fire or something ? I was hoping she would invite me in , and she did finally , but by then I realized that instead of this being a nice surprise - somebody was thinking about her birthday and showing up keep her company - it was just jarring and maybe even reminded her even more that she was alone on her birthday with no friends or family around . I had just made it worse . So by the time she did invite me in I felt terrible and felt even worse for hurting her feelings - which I 'm sure I had done - and was trying to beg off and just get away on my bike . And she said don 't be crazy , you can 't ride home in this , I 'll drive you , but that just underlined how wrong this all was . So finally I agreed to come in and warm my hands a little but the whole time I couldn 't wait to get out of there . We were sorta making small talk but it was awkward all over and I just wanted to scream , I was so mad at myself for being so stupid . And then I think she got mad when I suddenly put my glove and my hat and my jacket back on and zipped out of there . It was freezing but I didn 't even notice until I was on the country road just a couple of miles from the house , when I hit a rock and fell off my bike . I lay in the road for awhile , breathing like crazy . I couldn 't get out of there fast enough . I just wanted to make the night go away , erase it . I might have laid there and froze to death except I thought I saw a car coming and I got up . For a second I think I hoped it was her coming after me , but it wasn 't . Wasn 't anything . Tomorrow is my birthday . Leah is with Erik , so I 'll probably spend it by myself . I thought about saying that I wanted to switch days so that we could be together for my birthday , at least have that . Erik never said anything . I couldn 't tell whether he doesn 't remember - it would be like him to not remember - or whether he 's just not saying anything because he would like knowing that it 's my birthday and I won 't see Leah all day . That would be like him , too - he often forgot the things that were important - but he would remember something when he wanted to make it hurt . So I thought about asking to have her , and then I realized that if I brought it up it would just end up being an ugly struggle , for one ugly reason or another . So I 'll spend it alone . I don 't know that it matters any more anyway . I 'm not sure what I 'm celebrating . Another ring on the old tree , but one gets to be just like the others . An anniversary or a birthday is like a marker , development in a story , but now that I 'm no longer part of a family , there 's no story there . I used to feel like I was on a road that went somewhere . Even though Erik and I struggled with things for years , it still felt like we were heading toward something , it felt like we were building a family . Building a history . Now … I feel like I 'm randomly writing things on a wall and who cares . There 's Leah , I 'm still her mom , she 's growing up , she 's really becoming her own person . There are these amazing times we have , sometimes , things we 've done together or been through together . But she 's getting older , becoming more independent , moving away from me . If she weren 't so lost in this nowhere town , I 'd probably see her even less than I do . When she was younger , there were the other parents , moms mostly , who you 'd get to know , waiting for the kids at dance , waiting for them at the pool . It was a little like a circle of friends , a community . When Erik and I were first having trouble , back in Boston , when he 'd disappear , people would invite us out for dinner on a Friday night , or maybe to a picnic or a weekend trip out to the Cape . I don 't know if it 's because it 's so isolated here , or maybe because I 'm such an obvious outsider . He 's the local boy here , not me , and everybody knows that . But I can see these little threads of community falling away as Leah gets older . I don 't get to know the other moms . When Leah gets invited to a friend 's house on Friday night , she 's just off by herself . So more and more I have no idea what my place will be . I mean , it 's not like I 'll ever get married again . People say , " Well , you 'll meet someone , " as if going on a date ( it makes me gag thinking about it ) would magically clean up all these torn threads . Not thatMaybe that 's why I started this silly cafe . Because it would be a place where threads would come back together . Looking at it now I realize how stupid it was . I didn 't have money to do this . I mean , I was lucky enough to start it with next to no money , but keeping it going , especially now that we 're in this stupid competition with the other restaurant in town . Maybe it was a good idea . I don 't even know that it was even a thought - out idea so much as it seemed like something positive to do , to set down some roots , make the best of this , of coming here . Now it just seems like one more thing I start doing that is impractical and crazy and goes nowhere . Tom is off to Lake of the Woods to ice fish . Same weekend every year , all the guys from the plant go . It 's only guys , I 'm pretty sure , even though Lizabeth Haraldsen is the head of purchasing . I don 't think she goes . I don 't think she 'd want to go , I don 't think . She doesn 't speak to us anymore anyway . I 've never asked about it . I 've always imagined it like a bunch of guys pretending they 're in college again . I don 't want to know the details . Where I grew up , there was a lake like Lake Vermillion . More woods around it , though , since it was in Wisconsin . My Dad took me out to his hut a few times . Mostly it was just guys that went out and fished , but my dad wasn 't like a lot of other dads , mostly spending his time with his sons . He liked to say , " Get too many guys together , just guys , and all you have is a big group of stupid . " I think he had been kind of a loner growing up . But that was great for me because it meant I got to do a lot of things growing up - hunting , fishing , camping - that girls I knew didn 't do . If my dad were around now , he 'd be one of those guys with a little hut out on Lake Vermillion . Sometimes in the winter when I drive out that way I see those huts out there and I think of him . Tom asked Finn if he wanted to go . Finn said he had to work , which probably wasn 't the thing to say . Just another reminder of what does he think he 's doing with his life ? He got that great education and now he 's flipping eggs and burgers in a little town in North Dakota ? After Tom left , I asked him why he hadn 't gone and he said , ' That 's the last place I 'd want to be right now . ' And then he said , ' Besides , I did my duty . I did both hunting trips . ' At this rate they won 't be speaking to each other at all in a few months . It 's strange in a way because Finn reminds me so much of his father , back when I met him . Smart , funny , a guy with a lot of heart . They 're so alike in those ways , and yet Finn seems like he can 't stand to be in the room with his father . When they argue I feel like I 'm looking at the younger Tom arguing with the older Tom and saying he doesn 't like him . I wonder , if Tom had been able to say into the future , all those years ago when we met , if he 'd looked at himself and said that , ' I don 't like you . ' Maybe that 's part of getting into middle age , we have to grow into ourselves and understand ourselves . From a distance , from youth , maybe we don 't look very good . It was late this year because the winter had such a warm start , but I finally pulled the ice house out to the lake yesterday . Some guys had pulled theirs out with their trucks , but I wasn 't so sure about the ice . There were a lot of fracture lines in it , where it 's heaved up and moved . My house isn 't all that heavy , so I pulled it off the trailer and set it on some runners , hooked a tow rope up to it , and just pulled it out . I have a favorite bay I usually like to go to - it 's around a bend in the lake , away from the road , and there 's a point where the reeds and grass grow tall enough they keep it hidden . But that 's way too far for me to pull the shed , so I just found a little spot in a little bay that has a little shelter from some cottonwoods . It 's a place we came to a few times when I was in high school and we wanted to get away from our parents , a place to bring a case of beer where you could get left alone and maybe even go swimming . I don 't know if kids go there any more . I don 't remember my boys doing it , although maybe that 's because I never caught them . Hopefully the fish like it too , even though by this time of the winter they 're not biting much . Just kinda slowed down and drifting . I didn 't catch anything yet , but I augured a hole and dropped a few lines and lit the stove and leaned back on the cot and it was a good afternoon . My wife , Shirley , said , Well , if nothing 's going to be biting , why go out there anyway ? Why drag that same old beat - up fish house around on the lake and go sit out there in the cold ? We 've been at this thirty years and she still asks that question . She shouldn 't , because we probably wouldn ' ta been at this thirty years if it weren 't for that , as she said , beat - up old fish house that my Dad and I built when I was a teenager . You 're going to be needing one of your own , he told me , and we put it together from some wood we found at an old homestead site north of town , that and some junk plywood from somewhere . But put that red paint on it and you don 't know it 's junk plywood , do you ? Anyway , there were years when the kids were , oh , getting into high school , when I practically lived there half the winter . It 's big enough it 'll fit a cot , and that stove keeps it plenty cozy . I 'd come into town to go to work at the plant , stop by the house sometimes for dinner , but I lived out here about two months . I caught enough walleye and pike that when I went home for dinner I wouldn 't get too much static for being gone . And it would take just one dinner , with the kids fighting with each other and Shirley mad about that and about every other little thing but just sitting there , stewing , saying nothing , just looking at me and saying with her eyes that I was completely neglecting the family and look how bad things had gotten . One dinner like that and I 'd sneak over to Sullivan 's for dinner the next night ( the Corner Cafe was closed by then and the Pie Creek hadn 't opened in its place yet ) . Today was Laura 's birthday . It might seem strange that I 'd remember it so well , since it 's been give years since we split up , but I 've marked that birthday for more than fifteen years . It starts to stick to your calendar , like Christmas or the Fourth of July . Her dad came into the cafe , a little later than usual . I knew why he was there . I saw him come in and he sat down in a booth . Didn 't get himself a coffee by the door or anything . I saw Jackie getting ready to take him a cup and a menu and I motioned to her that I would do it . I didn 't have anything urgent on the grill , just a couple of french toast I had just turned . I pointed at those and she nodded and I went over to his booth and sat down . We didn 't even say anything at first . He looked at me and I looked at him . I said , " Can I get you anything ? " He shook his head and he said , " Not really hungry . " So I said , " Coffee ? " And he said , " OK . " Jackie was flipping the french toast when I walked past and I went and got him a cup of coffee and his two creams and went back over . Two guys I didn 't recognize walked in just then and sat in another booth . Jackie went over and I knew I 'd have to go back to cooking pretty soon . I sat down again and I said , " How are you doing ? " He shrugged his shoulders and sorta shook his head , like he was trying to shake off bad thoughts , or like he 'd just remembered a bad dream and was trying to shake it away . And maybe I was making him remember it . I said , " Have you heard anything ? " He shook his head . He said something about talking to the police again , her roommate , but there was nothing . I asked him if he was still sending rent and he said yes . That has to be more than his rent here . He said , " I don 't know why I keep this up . I 'm going to have to go out there and collect her stuff . " I said , " I 'll go with you , " just quick like that , without thinking . He smiled and said it was good of me to say that , but I had jobs here , if I was even staying here long - was I really going to stick around here any longer ? He said it would take awhile . He would drive . I said , " If you 're gonna go , then I want to go . " And of course then I thought , Crap , how am I going to do that ? But we 'll figure it out . We didn 't say anything after that . I used to have this feeling about her . No matter where I was , I could think of her and I knew she was out there , doing whatever she was doing in New York or wherever she was . Like we were connected . But I haven 't felt that for a long time , since last summer I think . I thought about saying something and then I thought there was no way I was going to say that . On her birthday , especially . Jackie was taking an order and motioning to me that she was going to need me in a moment . I got up and he said , " Well , we 'll see . " And I said it again , " I 'm coming with . " I told him he should come by the Uptown tonight , since I was working , but he said no , he didn 't like going there . Going to a bar would just remind him he had sorrows to drown . |
Josh and Anna waited for Boris to continue and say something else but Boris just kept quiet and kept his thoughts to himself . They now knew as much as they could , they knew that they were stuck here in Scriven and the real question was what next ? What could they do to get back home . The only clue they had and the only person they could ask was standing right in front of them . ' It is the term people use , when they immediately transport themselves from one place to another . Although I don 't know if it is the same thing to go through one universe to another . ' Boris answered . ' Ah , yes . To do that you need someone that can open the space between universes . ' Boris said ' Not an easy thing to do , I am not even sure it is possible without help from the side you want to get to . ' He added pondering the issue . ' The most obvious example I could think of , would be the Djinn . They continually go through places popping up and causing trouble . They could do it , but to get a Djinn to help you is another matter all together . The only way you can get a Djinn to help you , is by getting the artefact they are attached to , usually something old and inconspicuous looking , like rings , chains , lamps or lockets and pendants . ' Josh was slightly taken back by the answer . He though that Boris would have helped them on their way , he surly didn 't expect him to just answer negatively , especially after all the answers he had given them and all the help he had already given them . He lowered his head slightly and decided it wasn 't worth making a fuss about it . Instead he said ' could you point us in the right direction then ? Maybe a place where we could find some answers , or clues to where we can find a Djinn ? ' he asked . ' Well , you should go to the cities of Muspelheim , Xibalba and Irkala , there you should be able to find some answers . ' Boris said smiling a wide grin that looked slightly frightening . ' It will be difficult to find them though , but I think if you keep walking towards the forest , ' he said pointing towards the east at the outline of which a forest was just visible . ' you might get there . ' he added cryptically . ' Oh , no . I am sure that a couple of smart ones like you will be able to handle anything thrown at them with little to no problem . ' At this Josh smiled , Anna had a doubtful look on her face that stayed there for an uncomfortable time . ' You want to get back home , even if you knew exactly what you needed to do and where and how to use it , you still have to get it and use it which won 't be easy . But now you don 't know where to go , or what to do and even if you do there is no guaranty you will find everything and get it to work . So yes weeks is very logical . ' Anna and Josh started walking in the direction that Boris had pointed to . Josh was waving back to Boris for quite some time while they walked at first Josh could still recognize Boris 's figure standing in the fields but quite quickly he was just another part of the scenery , unrecognizable . Anna walked on , she didn 't look back , her back straight , she walked on firmly and unconditionally towards the forest , unflinching and not turning back to face Boris even once . ' I don 't know , ' answered Anna her face deep in thought staring at the sky . Finally she faced Josh again and asked ' but what should we do ? Continue walking towards the forest or walk to the west instead to the mountain range . ' Anna looked as though she was about to argue , than thought the better of it and without a second word she turned around and continued her march towards the forest . Josh stared at her Anna 's back , she wore what she always wore to school , a red and black shirt with blue jeans . It was simple but probably comfortable and it suited her . It fitted well with her character while dresses probably didn 't . Josh didn 't really know Anna , he was never the extravert type of person but he did want to get to know Anna a little better . Although with Anna it was always difficult , she was always a very closed and introvert person . She kept to herself and never talked to anyone , as far as he knew she had no friends in school . He always thought they were a little similar , he never talked to too many people either , but the big difference between the two of them was that he at least had some friends , and good ones at that . Josh stared at Anna 's back again and thought that maybe Anna was playing a part in school , a theatrical role and that maybe she was a different person when she was at home , maybe she liked to wear dresses and skirts when she was at home for example . At school there were no real rules for what they were allowed to wear , as long as it wasn 't too revealing . Many girls wore skirts to school but Anna never did , she always wore the same kind of shirts and jeans . Josh was sure that skirts and dresses would have suited her too . He tried to speak to her several times previously but she never really answered back to him . Or she was just being outright distrusting and simply pushed him away . That wasn 't going to deter him though , he kept at it and slowly she did open up slightly . Although maybe open up was pushing it a bit . It was more like she now tolerated his presence rather than shoed him away immediately . She still didn 't say much though , but it gave Josh the impression that even she ever wanted or needed someone she might call upon him . He was after all the only person in school she communicated with , even if it was only on rare occasions , so he really was the only her only option . He tried to come to terms with the situation and where he stood when Anna abruptly stopped and he very nearly bumped into her . ' I don 't know , but did you see the sly smile he gave us ? It was a sneaky smile . I have a feeling he was not telling us something , almost like he wanted us to get into trouble or something . ' ' But Anna that makes no sense , he was helping us already by answering all of our questions . I mean he didn 't have to do that , but he did . ' Pleaded Josh ' Exactly , he didn 't have to answer any of our questions and he could have told us anything and we would have believed him . Because the truth is we are stuck somewhere and we know nothing . So maybe he has some kind of secret agenda , I don 't know yet . ' ' That makes no sense , maybe he was just nice . Or if we assume he wasn 't nice then maybe he didn 't really care if we knew or not . Either way the only thing we can do now is go wherever he told us right ? ' ' No . That is not the only option , we can choose to go the other way and make our own decisions based on what we saw . I mean , yes we are in some strange place , but no we don 't need to believe Boris . I don 't trust him . ' Anna stared at Josh waiting for him to talk her out of it , but he didn 't . Instead he just stared at her , waiting for her to make the decision . Josh stared back and then quickly lowered his eyes to the ground ' I don 't know . I think he was just being nice . And honestly the forest sounds better than the alternative . ' Anna stared at the view in front of them : to the left stretching as far as the eye could see was the forest , the first option . To the right was a stretch of sand and in the back of it far beyond was a large mountain range . The tips of the mountains were covered with a small layer of white snow . She tried to clear her mind and think which way would be better when she was interrupted by the growling and grumbling noises of her stomach . She stared at her little black wristwatch . The black wristwatch was a gift her father gave her for her 8th birthday . Now a few years later she still had it and she wore it constantly . She only took it off when she went to sleep . The time was 12 : 00 , normally at school this was when she went outside took out her sandwich and ate it in silence , now though everything was different . She didn 't let it show but when Boris said that their journey might take weeks she was frightened . She quickly pushed that little part in her down and shut it up , but it was like trying to hush a waterfall , she could still hear it echoing in the far recesses of her head . Three weeks ? We have to survive on our own for three weeks ? That is impossible ! What will you eat or drink ? Where will you sleep ? And what about your father ? ! She bit her tongue trying to keep her emotions away , keeping her emotions in check . Over - thinking the situation was useless , she had a current problem and she needed to solve it . She tried to think of the situation objectively , tried to think what direction would offer the best solution or at least the least problems . She had to take into account that food could be a very real problem . Their first concern should be food and because they had nothing with them they needed to go somewhere where there was more chance to find some . If she looked at it that way the decision was easy to make . ' I think we will go to the forest . ' Announced Anna finally ' but not because Boris told us to go there . I think we should go there because that is our best chance to find food and maybe water . ' About an hour or so into their march Josh started walking next to Anna instead of behind her . Anna was glad for this change ; she didn 't much like walking in front of him , it just that she made a decision and went with it , for some reason it was as though she was the natural leader of their little pack . She didn 't want the role of leader or its responsibility that came with it , she thought that just taking care of herself was difficult enough . The only reason she was in front up until now in the first place , was because Josh for some reason known only to him decided to walk behind her rather than next to her . It made her feel slightly better knowing he was walking next to her . They were walking for hours and they were becoming increasingly tired , so Josh suggested they should take a short break . There were no trees to offer any shade from the sun so they just squatted on the grass and took a short break to rest their legs . Anna stared at her watch it showed the time to be 2 in the afternoon . Anna hadn 't eaten or drank anything from 8 in the morning when she had her breakfast of cereals . Worse than the hunger however was the thirst , she was really thirsty now . Walking in the hot and warm air left her particularly parched . Her throat was dry and she felt an uncontrollable itch developing in the back of her throat in a place where she could not reach . She craved for a glass of fresh orange juice , or even a glass of cold water . She was never really a fan of water , she preferred juices but now she could do with some fresh water . ' I just thought you might be angry with me . ' Answered Josh smiling a broad smile . They sat down for several more moments enjoying the temporary silence and rest before deciding it was time to get up and get going once again . An hour later the first features in their immediate surroundings began to change . The grass around them was the first thing they noticed changing , at first when they sat out the fields were green and lush with a fresh smell hanging around , now though the lush green grass was becoming drier , the green fading into a dry yellow straw . The closer they got to the forest the drier the ground was which according to Anna made no sense . A forest needed water to prosper and from looking at the grass it looked as they were steadily heading to an area that had less water . Maybe the rainfall diminished but there was an underground current running that the trees were tapping into suggested Josh . With the uncertainty looming around them like a veil they marched on , somewhat reluctantly but without choice now . They were too far to change course and so stubbornly against their better judgment they trod on heading closer to the forest , that now seemed rather dark and uninviting and not at all the little piece of hope it seemed only moments ago . The closer they got to the forest the more things around them changed . At first the ground changed from a fertile green grass to dry weeds and then completely dead barren with nothing growing in it at all . The ground turned hard and dark brown full of lumps and uneven , it was difficult to walk on it . But it wasn 't just the ground that changed it was the air around them . At first they hardly noticed but as they got closer to the forest it became more apparent . The blue skies were slowly turning into grey and the air around them which smelled fresh was now becoming stale , heavy and humid . The ominous feeling that they were heading to a place of darkness only intensified . They stopped just in front of the forest in unison and stared . The trees were dark , dense and it was difficult to see anything through the thick brush of branches in front of them , anything at all . It was as though shadows danced in front of them blocking their view so that they could see nothing beyond the branches that blocked their passage . Anna and Josh stared at one another , they were feeling reluctant to enter the forest now that they were face to face with it , but neither of them felt like saying anything out loud . All thoughts of food and thirst were now of no concern as they faced the strange forest . They shared another look and then Anna stared coldly at the forest , searching for signs of weakness . She sighed and then took a step forward . Josh wanted to grab hold of her hand to reassure her as well as reassure him that everything was fine , although he knew the feeling deep down in the pit of his stomach told him to stop kidding . He wanted to walk calmly beside Anna but his feet were telling him that only a fool would enter a forest that was this dark when it was still light outside . But it was too late already Anna had already entered the forest and he had to quickly catch up to her , now if only his legs wouldn 't stay rooted to the ground he could get a move on . He tried to call out to Anna to alert her to his predicament but he was surprised to notice that when he tried to do so no sound would come . He tried to shout as loud as he could , but nothing happened . His voice just like his feet was not working properly . Fear slowly crept over him not because he was now rooted to the spot without any way to call for help , but because Anna now walked into the forest alone without him . He pulled with all his might at his now frozen and motionless legs , trying to get them to cooperate but it was of no use . It was like trying to pull a truck . Josh tried to move the rest of his body only to find that it too was now beyond his control . Slowly but surely his body was not his to control anymore . It wasn 't as though he felt a numbness coming over his limbs it was as though all form of feeling was just gone . After his torso and hands were similarly irresponsive , came his neck and head until finally the only thing that he could maintain some control over were his eyes . He could blink and move them left and right without any problem ; the rest however was now just flesh . He expected his body to fall forward but it didn 't , he was standing perfectly straight like a lamppost frozen to the spot . Josh stood there for several moments where nothing happened , he was still breathing which meant that all the involuntary muscles weren 't similarly affected and for the moment there was no one around him . The feeling of dread slowly faded and there was not a lot he could do now anyway except looking around . He was concentrating on the sounds around him . When they first arrived this close to the forest he thought that all sound was gone , that they entered some closed environment , but now that he had some time to listen he noticed that wasn 't the case . There were sounds around him they were just muffled , as though his ears were padded with some gaze . He didn 't recognize the sounds he heard but they were definitely there . Soft throaty chirping sounds and other strange things that didn 't seem to go together , such as a gul - gul - gul sound similar to the sound you make when you drink combined with a tssss sound which sounds like a can of coke opening . Josh couldn 't make much out of the sounds but they made him slightly uncomfortable , more so because he couldn 't move and was now a target for anyone . Several more moments passed and Anna still didn 't notice he wasn 't behind her or perhaps she was similarly stuck . Or maybe someone had taken his place . Maybe a monster of some sort transformed itself into him and was now walking with Anna . The thought of Anna being in danger made Josh increasingly anxious when suddenly standing there in front of him was Anna staring at him . Her mouth was opening and closing and it took him a while to realize that she was talking to him . Only he couldn 't hear her , whatever she was saying the forest was swallowing the sounds , or maybe his ears had been affected after all . Anna was becoming increasingly angry with Josh , he could tell because she was now opening her mouth wider when she was speaking and her face was contorted with a frown appearing above her nose . When Josh didn 't respond she put her hands on her hips muttered something and walked straight towards him and then just before she could reach him she looked like she hit something , she stumbled backwards in surprise and took a good look to see what it was that she hit . When she stumbled backwards Josh could hear a hearty laugh close to him , but he couldn 't see anything what it was . Anna probably couldn 't hear anything or if she did she did not appear to take any notice of it , instead she walked carefully towards Josh , arms stretched forward . Then just before she could reach Josh she stopped and like a mime miming a box she did the same . There was a wall or something between the two of them . Josh flailed his body back and forth in joy taking immense pleasure at the simple movement he could now do . He had a big smile on his face as he quickly walked towards Anna . He checked once just to be sure and sure enough the invisible wall had disappeared . ' Anna , thank god you 're ok , I was stuck in the position you saw me in and I couldn 't move or anything and I thought maybe a monster pretended to be me was walking with you and … ' Josh trailed off because Anna wasn 't looking at him she was looking open - mouthed at something behind him . Josh completely forgot about the voice that was talking when he was stuck . He was so happy to be able to move normally again that the voice and more importantly its owner completely vanished from his mind . He turned around afraid of what he might see and stared open - mouthed at the creature that was standing in front of them . It was humanoid only it was standing on only one leg ; he was wearing red pants and had bright red hair , other than his pants he was naked his skin dark brown . He was holding a pipe in his hand which he was lighting ; when he lifted his hands Josh was shocked to see that there were holes in his palms . After he lit his pipe the creature turned his attention back to the two of them . ' So humans huh ' he said puffing on his pipe ' I have not seen any humans for a very long time . But where are my manners , let me introduce myself I am Saci . ' The creature said and reached out his hand . Josh was the first to close his mouth and snap out of his trance . ' Pleased to meet … . ' Josh couldn 't complete the sentence because before he could reach the creature he fell flat on his face the wind completely knocked out of him . The creature burst out laughing . Josh got up slowly and looked at his sport shoes . The laces of the one shoe were tied together with the laces of the other shoe . Josh sat and started undoing the knot ' did you do this ? ' he asked . ' Because it was funny ! You should have seen your face you looked like you were about to explode when you thought the boy wasn 't answering you and then when you hit the barrier that was just priceless . ' The memory of the moment sent Saci back into a fit of laughing that ended with him laughing so loudly he halfway started coughing . He hit his chest several times and then said ' this pipe will be the death of me . ' This was apparently again very funny because he launched into another fit of hysterical laughter . Anna and Josh turned their backs to Saci and were about to enter the forest when Saci interrupted them . ' I would not do that if I were you . ' He said cryptically . Saci burst into laughter again his eyes were tearing . Anna was biting hard on her lips trying not to laugh herself there was something about Saci 's laugh that was contagious . She took a deep breath and looked at Josh . His tongue was sticking out of his mouth and he was now drooling . His eyes were said and he looked like he was begging Anna for help . ' Oh come now this is a joyous occasion for me I have not seen humans in centuries or is it longer than that ? What is more than a century ? Well whatever it is that is the answer . ' ' Because it is dangerous if you do not know your way around it . I would suggest to go back home , where you came from . There is nothing here . No humans , that is for sure . I have seen many creatures though . One thing I will tell you , do not try any pranks on the creatures in the forest they do not take jokes lightly ! Which is strange in and of itself because how else can you take a joke ? ' Saci scrutinized Anna ' are you sure you are a girl ? ' he asked . When she started to look slightly embarrassed as well Saci burst out laughing again . ' Do not worry you little heads I shall take you to my home and you shall be fed and on the morrow I will explain the forest and the things that lie in it and if you still feel like venturing into it I shall at least make sure that you are in good company . ' With that said the saci looked around the two and puffed on his pipe . The shadows had disappeared as did the school . They were standing in a green and lush meadow , filled with grass and several different sorts of plants and small flowers , a large forest lay several kilometres in front of them and behind them they could just make out the start of a mountain range . The sky was blue , with a yellow round circle of fire and there were no clouds anywhere . It looked like they were in Switzerland now or at least something similar . Anna had seen lord of the rings several times and this looked slightly like middle earth or maybe New - Zealand . It could have even been Scotland on a good rainless day , although that was harder to believe . Josh was still grinning ; a big happy grin , Anna looked at him and almost absent minded started counting how many teeth he was showing . There were quite a few of them . As Anna stared at him a strange shift was happening to Josh 's grin , it was slowly retracting and morphing into something different in fact his whole face was morphing and contracting in fear , his eyes were not focused on her though they were staring at something in the sky . Anna followed Josh 's gaze and saw a large beast flying past , she stared open mouthed at the creature of legend , of fantasy of her very own imagination . The creature had two wings and a large tail , it had dark red scales and Anna loved them , she even had a poster of several of them in a multitude of colours hanging on one of her walls in her room . It was a dragon . The red dragon was a fire breathing dragon , Anna recalled , there were also blue dragons that breathed out ice and lived in frozen lands and there were also green dragons , although she couldn 't recall what they breathed , poison ? She remembered that there were also Chinese dragons but those were very different and she wasn 't completely sure about black dragons . It was Josh who shook her out of it , not by physically shaking her but by screaming something incoherently , it was the scream that finally made her stop staring in shock and understand that they weren 't home yet . Anna grabbed Josh by the hem of his shirt , covered his mouth to stifle his scream and pulled him down to the ground . Dragons had very good eyes although they could get really bad eyesight depending on their age . Whatever the situation it was a bad idea if a big red dragon saw you or heard you which it most likely now did . Flying high above them in the distance was another creature , it was this creature that was giving chase to the dragon , it was still far away and they could not see it clearly , but as it was nearing they noticed that it wasn 't just one creature it was a flock of them . They all looked alike except for the leading creature . The leading creature had the face and body of a woman but it definitely wasn 't a woman for intertwined within the arms , hairs and waist were serpents , their mouths hissing and tongues sticking out . It wore a black robe and had large black wings that carried it very swiftly through the air . The woman 's face had a cruel and ugly twist to it , it was a terrifying sight , one Anna knew she would never forget , the beast was flying very quickly and it looked as though it was catching up with the dragon , which was lucky for them , she had the feeling that if the animal would have seen them they wouldn 't be around for much longer . There were about 12 monsters of a different sort but still quite similar flying behind . They had the body of a large bird and the face of a woman , although the face didn 't really resemble any woman , for if it did it would be the ugliest woman Anna had ever seen . They were all flying in formation chasing the dragon . ' That 's from Greek mythology ' Josh answered and looked at Anna . She motioned for him to carry on and as he did his eyes shone with excitement ' they are one of the worst monsters in Greek mythology they are very intelligent and vicious , I think it was responsible for the torture of the dead in Hell or at least it was something like that , I don 't really remember the details . I think they used to punish the wicked but because they were so vicious no one dared speak their name , they are bad news . They have a sort of servant I guess which work for them and those are the Harpies that flew behind them . ' ' It could be , I don 't really know why it would but I guess a Erinyes and those Harpies could attack a Dragon . I 'm not sure if they could win against them , although the Dragon was running away . Erinyes are immortal so maybe that 's why the Dragon flew away . ' Anna stared at Josh with new found respect , she always assumed he was just a little cry baby it took her by surprise that they shared so many common interests . Strangely it annoyed her slightly as well , that Josh knew all about the Harper or Harpy or whatever that thing was and she knew nothing at all about it . She was always proud of her knowledge on almost any fantastical subject and here was Josh who seemed to know more about it then she did . But she smiled , dragons was her subject he wouldn 't more than her when it came to dragons . ' What about the dragon we saw ? ' she said ' Did you recognize it ? ' Josh stared at the sky in thought and finally said ' I 'm missing a few but there are red , blue , green , white , yellow , grey , purple and black coloured dragons . There are also the metallic dragons that are silver , gold , bronze and all of those and there are other ones that I 'm forgetting ' Josh paused for a moment trying to remember which ones he was missing . ' Ahh ' he cried suddenly remembering ' There are also rainbow dragons and brown , did I say brown already ? That 's all I can remember now ' he resigned . Anna stared at him in shock he knew more about dragons than she did . She made the list in her head just previously and forgot all about the rainbow dragons , she wasn 't actually even sure they existed and she forgot about the white and black ones which she knew about but simply forgot . The metallic ones were new to her as well ; in just two little answers Josh had shaken her belief to the core , from the fantasy queen she thought she was , she had descendent lower than Josh . How many others were there that she didn 't know about ? She always felt that she was a loner stuck in her own imagination , much to her own pleasure but maybe she was wrong . She pushed the thought away from her mind ; it would do her no good now , the only good thing the questions gave them were a few moments of peace and escape from the harsh reality they were in . It was time now to face reality again and get home . Josh probably still had the ring , so all they needed to do was use it and get out of here . She didn 't have her toy anymore so it was all up to Josh . ' Let 's get out of here ' she said to Josh ' do you still have the ring ? ' she asked . Josh nodded . ' Good then use it and let 's get out of here as soon as we can . ' Josh took the ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger , this time Anna grabbed hold of him , she wasn 't going to let him go and disappear on her again . Josh grabbed hold of the ring around his finger as he has done previously with one finger on the rock and one on the other side . He tried rubbing it , turning it , twitching it , but nothing seemed to work . Josh didn 't disappear and they were both still standing in the same place . ' Let me try ' said Anna . Obediently Josh took off the ring and handed it over to Anna who put it on and tried the ring out as Josh had done . But just like before , it was clearly not working anymore . They were stuck in this alien place , with no way to go back home . It was the monsters that they had seen that made them stop thinking about home for the moment . They needed to find somewhere safe , that was the first priority then and only ten they could try and find a way to get home . So without a too long pause for sorrow or letting depressing and sadness take root Anna said ' Let 's get out of here before we become lunch to the next monster that passes us . ' Josh didn 't argue and just nodded his head . He didn 't question her on why she asked him all those questions previously he just followed her . This is why she felt he was spineless , it was the same in class he was always quiet afraid to say anything . This was the first time he had actually talked , or maybe he talked to other people , she never really did pay attention to him before . Anna marched in the direction opposite to the forest . She decided that the forest would be more dangerous than the opposite although they couldn 't really say anything yet , in the horizon that could see a mountain range with what looked like snow covering the peaks but prior to the mountain range they could see nothing . Anna felt as though it was going to be a long walk indeed . Josh didn 't answer her ; he stared at the ground slightly embarrassed . She didn 't mean to make him feel bad , but he had to face facts . They were somewhere strange and magical where several creatures from the imagination and mythology just showed up , that meant trouble . Crying out for help would only make things worse , they had to fight for themselves and get through this . If she had to carry Josh with her she would . Without looking back , Anna started walking along the long green grass towards the mountain range . Josh said nothing and hurried after her . They walked for several miles and the mountain range seemed no closer than when they started . It was still a long way away , and although Anna decided that was the best way to go , she now was not so sure anymore . She looked up at the sky , the sun was in the middle of the sky ( she couldn 't tell the difference , if indeed there was a difference , between this sun and the sun of back home ) , noon , normally she was having a sandwich right about now , although she wasn 't really hungry now in this weird place , it was strange how familiar certain things were and how alien at the same time . She stopped in her tracks as did Josh . She listened carefully trying to make out another cry , but there was nothing . She looked through the grass looking for the origin or the owner of the voice when suddenly it started laughing uncontrollably . ' That isn 't even close to the direction I was in ' it said and it was now clear that it came from behind her . Anna turned around and looked at Josh . There was no one else there except from him . Anna bent and looked through the grass until she saw a little figure of about 10 - 30 centimetres in length . At first she thought it must be a dwarf , but it looked nothing like a dwarf . It wore an all white suite and had long green grass where hair should be . He had a large beard and his eyes were really strange too , one was blue and the other was green . Anna stared at the creature suspiciously ; she turned to Josh who looked just as astonished at the creature . ' That was very rude ! ' said the creature ' You could have just asked me what I was . But now , I don 't think I shall tell you . ' The creature turned his back to them in contempt . ' I don 't think I have ever heard of it ' said the creature . ' And if I have never heard of it then you must have made it up . ' The creature concluded . Anna stared at the creature , than she turned to Josh who was staring up into the sky , deep in thought . ' Is that related to Slovakia , or Poland ? ' Josh asked . The creature thought for a minute and smiled ' I think it must be Poland ' he said . ' That 's where I am originally from you know . ' he said tapping the side of his cheek . ' They had really good fields there ' he said wistfully . ' Well the world , just sort of exploded one day . ' The creature said , he wasn 't done though as he seemed to mule this over and added ' But not like a real explosion , more like a ripping of the world . It was like the world tore itself apart . ' ' Well I am Anna and this is Josh ' she said pointing at Josh who was still standing behind her . ' We are both human ' she added not completely sure if that was what Polevik meant . Or did he mean species ? ' Or Homo sapiens . That also works ' she added . Both children stared at him open mouthed and gasping . Boris didn 't seem to think too much of it though . ' Almost everyone here is immortal or very close to it . If they are not immortal than either they are very difficult to kill or they are protected by something . ' ' Sure , not sure you would like it though . It sounds good at first but then when you realize you will go through every day forever , it is actually tedious . Don 't get me wrong I don 't really want to die either , ' Boris added quickly ' but it 's just so boring here . ' Both Anna and Josh didn 't really know how to respond and so they just kept quiet . Anna decided it was best to just change the subject altogether . ' Boris , what species are you ? ' ' Well Polewiki are I guess part of the faeries or pixis . We don 't really get along with the others though . Most of them are too rude and quite annoying actually . ' ' Yes , you know she comes to you at night when you lose your milk teeth and if you put them under your pillow , she takes them and leaves you something nice in return . Usually money . ' Explained Anna . ' Sounds fishy to me , but it could be something faeries do . Most of the ones I know , would terrorize you , or try to manipulate you . They wouldn 't give you anything in return unless it was something cursed . I haven 't really been in contact with other faeries for about a hundred years or so , so it might be different now . But generally they are a bad bunch , can 't be trusted . ' ' I did ' said Boris smiling a big smile . ' But don 't worry the worst I used to do was send people the wrong way . Or punish some lazy people , but that 's about it . Now I just like sitting in the fields and relax . ' ' Sure I do , ' answered Boris ' why do you think I 'm in the field ? Can 't stand being in the house the whole time . Every day the same things , go do this go do that , so instead I just stay here in the fields . ' Anna and Josh both shared a look . To see your family only once a year was an insurmountable amount of time . How could you not miss them , or at least visit them in the holidays like you did your aunts and uncles ? It was a difficult idea to grasp , and both had problems with it . But if you were immortal maybe things like that didn 't matter anymore . Actually maybe nothing mattered anymore when you were immortal . Boris thought for a moment and then said ' The world used to be a big ball , it was then broken into a separate field , there was this really big light when that happened ' Boris seemed deep in thought , going back a long time in his memory . ' I don 't know if it was the light that split the world or that the light was just the after affect . But what I do know is that after the bright light , we were all shut off from the light . It was as though the whole world . No the universe itself , shut off . There was no light , or stars or anything in the sky , even the bigger gods and more powerful deities could do nothing but stare and wait for something to happen . Eventually something did , when the darkness passed there was another moment of brightness where the stars and the universe came back . Only there were changes , the gods could not move between realms anymore , and the people were gone . People like you , we had no idea where you all went to but you all disappeared . That meant that all the gods and creatures that lived off of souls died . All the other realms collapsed and that is it really we have been living here ever since . ' Finished Boris his history lesson . ' Oh yes , there were years or centuries , I don 't really remember , either way it was a long time where everyone tried to get the upper hand . Fights broke out everywhere and that quickly escalated to all out wars . At the end the world got split into several different places of which this is one . ' ' As ok as it can be , I haven 't really been part of any of it . I found it stupid to go to a full all out war between immortals . The most that you can hope to achieve is to destroy the world or trap the others . You could never really erase the others , so I just kept out of it . Luckily no one cared about the fields here , so I just stayed here and skipped the whole war thing . ' ' That 's a good thing . ' Said Boris . ' Although if I am honest about it , now there are even more problems than when there were wars . Now everyone is looking out for themselves , so they do whatever they please . It 's a good thing no one ever bothers me here , well except for you too . ' At this the two of them felt slightly ashamed . But at least now they knew a lot more about the place they arrived in . In shock Josh realized they had forgotten one important question . ' Can I ask you one last thing ? ' ' It is called Scriven . ' Answered Boris . Posted in The cereal adventure and tagged adventure , children tale , Eytan Breman , fantasy , The Cereal adventure on June 16 , 2014 by ebreman . Alright , try to think about this logically what was Josh doing just before he vanished ? He was playing with her ring , the ring she got from the cereal box . He was trying to get it off when he was suddenly whisked away . Did the ring take him somewhere ? If that was it then she had to find another ring like it and that would lead her to the same place . Whatever that other place was she was sure she could get him out of there , she had some money on her all she needed to do was to go to the shopping centre and find some cereal boxes that contained the ring . School was now an afterthought and she quickly left the school yard to find another ring . It was a quick walk to the supermarket where Anna bought a pack of cereals . The pack looked the same and there was nothing there that made the pack looked different . Excited she walked out of the supermarket and sat on a bench in front of it . She opened the cereal box from the bottom of the pack instead of the top , it was a little trick her dad taught her . The toy is usually heavier than the cereals he used to say , so when the pack is moved from the factory to the supermarket it finds itself at the bottom of the pile . At the bottom of the pack she could already make out a price , she quickly opened the bag and took out the toy . She stared at the toy in surprise it wasn 't a ring like she expected it to be but rather a small red toy car made from plastic . How was she supposed to use the car to get to where Josh was ? The ring was a simple matter , at least she assumed it was an easy matter , she just had to put it on her hand and that would be that , but with the car things were more complicated . Assuming that car even worked and got her to the same place what was she supposed to do with it ? Anna closed the cereal box and put the car on the bench next to her and ran it back and forth . She stared around her hoping that perhaps something would have been different but it was all the same . The bench , the supermarket everything was the same , she hadn 't left and was still stuck in the same boring reality while Josh was lost somewhere . She tried to think about it a bit further , what would Josh do if he found himself in a strange place ? He would most likely just cry or be utterly useless . He was hopeless without her , she was sure that it was her only option . She had to help him somehow she had to find a way to get to him to save him from whatever horror was assailing him right now . Secretly she was hoping he needed her , she tried to reassure herself that nothing too bad was going to happen to him but that he would be just scared enough that he would need her to save him . For that she needed to get to him however . She got up and walked back into the supermarket , she needed to buy another pack of cereals and try to get one that had the ring in it . She entered the supermarket and was surprised to see that it was empty . She was just there and although it wasn 't very busy there were several cashiers and several costumers walking through the shop . Now she stood there on her own . She walked through the empty supermarket , looking for costumers , workers or any at least someone that could confirm that they were just there . She sat only moments on the bench it was impossible for everyone to leave while she sat there . And why would the cashier leave ? It made no sense . She passed aisles and rows of products but she could find no people anywhere . If they were here they were hiding very well . She wasn 't afraid of the sudden change only surprised . She walked to the cereal aisle , if there weren 't any people around she might be able to get the ring she needed . She went to the cereal the she ate this very morning and reached out to grab it . She gasped in horror as her hand went right through the box as though it wasn 't there . Anna stared at her hand in shock and when she was reassured that her hand was really there she stared at the cereal box , it looked just like any other cereal box . It was blue with a large white bowl on the cover and a slogan in red and the price in every box caption . When the fear had settled a little and she was now sure that nothing would attack her and that she was more or less safe for the moment at least she reached out for the cereal box again . Again her hand passed right through it , as though it stopped existing on this plane of existence , or maybe there was something else going on . She tried to touch other things in the supermarket but she couldn 't . Everything was rooted to its place and she could touch nothing . Fear slowly crept back into her heart like a leech tugging at her , what could she do now ? What would she eat or drink ? She couldn 't hold a book in her hands anymore , or play videogames or even use the toilet . Maybe it was a joke ? She thought hopefully . Yes that must be it why else would there be no one around . The whole shop or aisle at least must be a hologram or something . Maybe a projection of some kind aimed to trick me . ' Ha good try ! But I got you now ' she called out to no one in particular expecting people to jump out from behind hidden areas in the shop and shout surprise or something . Although it wasn 't her birthday and she was now actually breaking the rules by not going to school , her little break was now no longer a little break but rather skipping class … She waited several more moments until she decided to give up on waiting for someone to jump out of his or hers hiding place . If they didn 't do so already it meant that whatever was happening to her was most likely real . Another thought occurred to her , what if the things that happened around her weren 't actually happening to the things but rather to her ? Maybe she was now where Josh was ? If that 's the case then she needed to get her toy back , the little red car , she left it on the bench outside . She had a nagging suspicion that it was too late though . She bit her lip and reached out to hold the car in her hand . Her hand slipped right through it . How stupid could she be ? She just lost her only way back out of this … whatever this was . When Josh vanished she was jealous of him , she thought he must have disappeared to a miraculous place filled with wondrous animals , beasts and many other rarities only available in her own imagination . But now that she was here she couldn 't help but feel somewhat disappointed . There was nothing of what she wished for , and worse still she was all alone without the ability to interact with anything and the strangest part of all was the people . Where did they all run off to ? Why couldn 't she see them or interact with them at least ? She clutched her head in frustration , how could I have been so stupid ? She cried . She wasn 't alone Josh went to this strange place too right ? So he must be somewhere next to the school , or maybe he went home when he couldn 't find anyone , she decided not to think about it and headed out to the school . It was eerie the way the streets were empty of all the people . It wasn 't just the people though , there was nothing alive anywhere , no animals or at least no pets and birds , she didn 't check the zoo but she assumed that they were similarly empty . As she continued down the street to her school she realized that the absence of people and animals was only one part of the strangeness around her . She didn 't notice it before but as she was walking she noticed that there was no air around her , it wasn 't the wind that just stopped blowing but rather the air itself that was strangely still . She tried to take a deep breath expecting to hear the suction of air into her lungs but when she took a deep breath she noticed that no air was coming into her lungs . There was no air for her to breath . She wasn 't dead though she was sure of that and even if she was dead then where were all the other dead people ? She didn 't know how many people died , but she knew that history was only about people that died , so the streets should be packed with people and not empty . There were other things as well that kept nagging her , things that were not normal but she couldn 't tell what they were . One of them though clarified when she looked up , she didn 't notice it at first because she hardly ever looked at the sky anymore , not like when she was younger , she used to love looking at the sky then she could spend days doing nothing else . For a moment the sky seemed normal she could see clouds and a big ball of fire and light above it slightly blinding her , on closer inspection though the sky seemed very different . The normally white or grey clouds weren 't white at all they were dark black and the sun was a strange mixture of colours . It looked like there was some brown and black there but also some dark green or blue , she couldn 't really tell but it hurt her eyes to look at it too long which made it at least a little similar to the normal sun . She knew now without a shadow of a doubt that she wasn 't home anymore , that this wasn 't her world but a mirror image of it . Alright she thought if I was Josh where would I go ? Her first thought was actually where is that good for nothing fool , but she then thought that that wasn 't very nice and that she had quite a fright herself when it first happened to her . Although Josh was now much longer here then she was so maybe he lost hope of ever going out , or maybe he put the ring on and off again and got out of this place , leaving her stranded here . She pinched herself painfully in her arm for allowing herself to think that way and went back to the front of the school . From the corner of her eye she thought she saw something move , she turned to look at it , but there was nothing there . She shrugged and walked into the school . She walked up the stairs and straight to her classroom , she walked quickly and got to her classroom in no time . She opened the door and looked inside . The room was empty , it was a strange sight she never saw the classroom empty before . There was always someone there when she arrived at school it was scary to see the class ready for a lesson but without pupils to fill the chairs or a teacher to stand in front of it . Anna quickly closed the door and walked down the hallway , could she have missed Josh ? Was she now stuck here forever ? The thought never entered her mind but now she had nothing to hold on to . She hated to admit it but she had put her hope on Josh , he was supposed to be here , he was supposed to be the one to take her back , so where was he ? Did he go back already when she went to get the car from the supermarket ? If that 's what happened then this was it , her life was over . She suddenly stopped , there was something wrong . Fear came over her again and she quickly got up , something made her stop a noise or a movement of some king . She listened carefully and heard a clinking coming from somewhere in front of her . She walked slowly but steadily to the origin of the sound . She stopped in front of a maintenance cupboard and slowly opened the door . Inside cowering in the corner sat Josh , his head held down his body rolled into a ball . Anna 's emotions ran from happy to pity to simple confusion in seconds . ' What shadows ? ' she asked . It was then that she realized what had been disturbing her this whole time . There were no shadows , although the trees and buildings were all there as well as a fake sky , they cast no shadows , it was only now when Josh had mentioned it that she noticed that they were strangely missing , there were no shadows anywhere . Josh looked at her and then past her to a place only he could see . ' I was sitting on the bench and then I was here . I thought it was a trick or something but when you didn 't come back I headed back to class but I found no one there . I thought maybe I would just wait for my dad to come and pick me up that 's the first time I noticed the shadows . At first they follow you from the corner of your eye keeping just out of sight almost like they are studying you . But then they stop following you and try to attack you , several of the shadows chased me down the building until I found this maintenance closet and hid in it ' . Anna put the ring on her finger , now all she had to do was rub , or hold the ring like Josh did and she would be back home . But what about Josh , she had to take him with her somehow . Suddenly from the corner of her eye she saw something move , she turned to face it and saw a shadow move quickly towards her . This was what Josh had been talking about ; she pushed the fear down and swallowed hard , if only she could get the ring to work for both of them they would be out of there . Shadows were now visibly moving out of their own accord towards her she stared for a moment in pure shock , she was surrounded by shadows that started walking or crawling or gliding towards her . Next to her Josh was shaking visibly . ' This should work … ' She said out loud trying to comfort herself as much as Josh but Josh wasn 't looking at her his gaze was focused on one thing only a large shadow that looked like it was standing in front of them . Anna then held the ring like she saw Josh do and pulled it slightly … " Yes , honey . There should be " replied her father . He was facing the kitchen sink and didn 't turn around " it says so on the box , price in every box , right ? " Nora looked at the box . It did say that in big bold letters A Price in every box . She wasn 't sure they meant this though . The ring she held in her hands had a metallic yellow - silver like colour to it . It shone and gleamed when light hit it , it had a little rock in it or was it a mineral , she didn 't really understand the difference between the two her mother even referred to the diamond in her ring as a rock so they were most likely the same thing anyway . The rock was golden it looked like molten honey had hardened on it and she thought that if she focused on it properly enough she could make out a few darker things . She thought it was beautiful . She put the ring carefully in her pocket and poured milk into her cereal bowl . When she finished eating she headed out the door took the bus and arrived at school . She wasn 't late , well that wasn 't true she was hardly late when she arrived at school . The teacher had just closed the door by the time she got there , she tried to sneak in unnoticed but that couldn 't really work , as soon as she opened the door the teacher noticed her and she got scolded by her teacher and distraught sat down in her seat at the back of the class next to the window . It was a long lecture about something , it started with numbers and variables and she quickly lost interest . Whenever that happened she would start drifting to her favourite place in the world . Her imagination , it was the only place that was truly hers and whenever she felt like the world was uninteresting she would go for a walk there . There was nothing in her imagination that she couldn 't do and there was nowhere that was out of bounds for her . Her inspiration was always a mixed bag of graphic novels , books and television , although it could really be anything at all . " Oh yes " he looked up from his desk and got up with a hand extended . " Nice to see you again I 'll show you to your desk . Its right down here " he said and started walking down the corridor expecting Anna to follow . He took her to a desk and motioned her to sit , I already linked computer up to the network actually the technical service did that . It should all be ready for use " he stated looking deep into her big brown eyes . She was mesmerizing ; her large eyes sucked him in as though they were incredible passageways into a secret and beautiful place . He had to hold himself in check as he noticed he was inching closer to her in order to kiss her . " If you have any questions I will be in my office " he added and walked away . Anna sat behind her desk looking at her screen she didn 't move for several moments , did she just imagine or did Dr Reeves just try to kiss her . Just the thought made her blush , he was a well respected man but more than that he was good looking and she felt very much attracted to him . Maybe she should just try and chat him up , but something told her that if he really wanted to he would have kissed her when he had the chance . So she figured the best way to play it is by just letting it go and do her work to the best of capabilities . She turned back to her screen and looked at the screen , Dr Reeves was a very busy man , and his calendar was something of a challenge as there were no spaces in it at all and many people were sending emails with requests to have a meeting , it took her quite some time to get them sorted . " Anna … " Anna slowly opened her eyes and looked up . The teacher was standing next to her desk looking down , an expression of earnest anger on his face . " What did I tell about falling asleep during my class ? " he asked his voice clearly angry . Anna breathed a sigh of relief and tried to focus her attention on the lesson , a task that was very difficult to her . She hated math and although she did like Mr Reeves , math was just boring to her , all those numbers never made any sense and at the end even if she had understood how to solve a formula she still couldn 't apply it to her question correctly without forgetting some step along the way . The worst part of it was that she actually did try , she wanted to be good at math but it seemed like a forlorn dream to her , a dream that had long passed . She would be happy enough just passing the exam . She turned to face Josh who was sitting at his desk next to her . He was a scruffy looking boy and she didn 't care for him much , he was always trying to talk to her though . " Yes ? " She sighed didn 't he just notice what happened ? He seemed to be even more of a space cadet than me she thought . " Of course I don 't " " Oh . That 's a shame . I thought you could explain it to me after school maybe " he looked slightly ashamed . Was he asking her out ? She didn 't reply and just went back to focusing on the lesson with occasional pauses to look out of the window . Outside it seemed like the world was infinitely more interesting than the real world , outside the world was breathing , there was action adventure and suspense everywhere . There were so many things to do , so many things to see , but hear in the real world you had to sit through boring math classes . Outside even a fallen leaf had his adventure struggling to stay afloat so that it wouldn 't feel any pain when it eventually landed on the ground , only to be whisked away by the wind to an unknown destination . Everything outside seemed so much more interesting then the classroom that she didn 't mind even switching places with a tree leaf . The only nice thing about the class was Mr . Reeves . She didn 't much like the other boys in her class they were all so childish but Mr . Reeves was different , he was a real gentleman . She could tell by the way he spoke that he was nice and gentle man , he could be stern but he would never raise his voice . He had a commandeering timber in his voice that would lead everyone around him to just forget all about challenging him . It wasn 't fear or anything like that it was a sort of respect . She thought it was the combination of his voice and his eyes the timber in his low brisk voice and his dark green eyes that pierced you through with their gaze that did the trick . Or maybe it was something else , he had so many good qualities it was hard to chose something that made him so formidable . When the long lesson was finally over , she sneaked outside for a quick breath of fresh air . She walked out the front doors of the school and headed to the back where there were several trees some bushes and a few benches located in a neat corner . She headed straight for the bench in the middle where she could see the trees and sat down ; she took several deep breaths when a voice startled her . She quickly turned around and only marginally calmed down when she saw that it was Josh . " Hello Josh , what do you want ? Did you follow me ? " She asked him bluntly . His smile beamed at her and he quickly sat in front of her happy and content . Josh was staring at her , as if he was expecting her to do some tricks for him . He looked just like a puppy she thought his brain probably worked like one too . The way he was staring at her made her uncomfortable and to distract herself from it she put her hand in her pocket and fiddled with the ring she got from the cereal pack . Josh continued to stare smiling although he was now also looking at the hand that was hidden in her pocket . " I 'm sorry I just thought it was a cool ring . I 'll take it off if you want " he quickly put a finger on the rock and another on the other side so that he could pull it off . " I promise , I didn 't mean to upset you I … " Josh couldn 't finish his sentence because he wasn 't there anymore . Anna stared in shock but there was no one there . In a moment Josh just disappeared , he was standing right there in front of her and now he was gone . It must be a trick , she looked around trying to locate him somewhere " Josh this isn 't funny . Where are you ? " she screamed , but there was no response , Josh vanished from the face of the earth . Alright , try to think about this logically what was Josh doing just before he vanished ? He was playing with her ring , the ring she got from the cereal box . He was trying to get it off when he was suddenly whisked away . Did the ring take him somewhere ? If that was it then she had to find another ring like it and that would lead her to the same place . Whatever that other place was she was sure she could get him out of there , she had some money on her all she needed to do was to go to the shopping centre and find some cereal boxes that contained the ring . School was now an afterthought and she quickly left the school yard to find another ring . Posted in The cereal adventure and tagged Chapter 1 , children , Eytan Breman , fantasy , The Cereal adventure on May 13 , 2014 by ebreman . |
Josh and Anna waited for Boris to continue and say something else but Boris just kept quiet and kept his thoughts to himself . They now knew as much as they could , they knew that they were stuck here in Scriven and the real question was what next ? What could they do to get back home . The only clue they had and the only person they could ask was standing right in front of them . ' It is the term people use , when they immediately transport themselves from one place to another . Although I don 't know if it is the same thing to go through one universe to another . ' Boris answered . ' Ah , yes . To do that you need someone that can open the space between universes . ' Boris said ' Not an easy thing to do , I am not even sure it is possible without help from the side you want to get to . ' He added pondering the issue . ' The most obvious example I could think of , would be the Djinn . They continually go through places popping up and causing trouble . They could do it , but to get a Djinn to help you is another matter all together . The only way you can get a Djinn to help you , is by getting the artefact they are attached to , usually something old and inconspicuous looking , like rings , chains , lamps or lockets and pendants . ' Josh was slightly taken back by the answer . He though that Boris would have helped them on their way , he surly didn 't expect him to just answer negatively , especially after all the answers he had given them and all the help he had already given them . He lowered his head slightly and decided it wasn 't worth making a fuss about it . Instead he said ' could you point us in the right direction then ? Maybe a place where we could find some answers , or clues to where we can find a Djinn ? ' he asked . ' Well , you should go to the cities of Muspelheim , Xibalba and Irkala , there you should be able to find some answers . ' Boris said smiling a wide grin that looked slightly frightening . ' It will be difficult to find them though , but I think if you keep walking towards the forest , ' he said pointing towards the east at the outline of which a forest was just visible . ' you might get there . ' he added cryptically . ' Oh , no . I am sure that a couple of smart ones like you will be able to handle anything thrown at them with little to no problem . ' At this Josh smiled , Anna had a doubtful look on her face that stayed there for an uncomfortable time . ' You want to get back home , even if you knew exactly what you needed to do and where and how to use it , you still have to get it and use it which won 't be easy . But now you don 't know where to go , or what to do and even if you do there is no guaranty you will find everything and get it to work . So yes weeks is very logical . ' Anna and Josh started walking in the direction that Boris had pointed to . Josh was waving back to Boris for quite some time while they walked at first Josh could still recognize Boris 's figure standing in the fields but quite quickly he was just another part of the scenery , unrecognizable . Anna walked on , she didn 't look back , her back straight , she walked on firmly and unconditionally towards the forest , unflinching and not turning back to face Boris even once . ' I don 't know , ' answered Anna her face deep in thought staring at the sky . Finally she faced Josh again and asked ' but what should we do ? Continue walking towards the forest or walk to the west instead to the mountain range . ' Anna looked as though she was about to argue , than thought the better of it and without a second word she turned around and continued her march towards the forest . Josh stared at her Anna 's back , she wore what she always wore to school , a red and black shirt with blue jeans . It was simple but probably comfortable and it suited her . It fitted well with her character while dresses probably didn 't . Josh didn 't really know Anna , he was never the extravert type of person but he did want to get to know Anna a little better . Although with Anna it was always difficult , she was always a very closed and introvert person . She kept to herself and never talked to anyone , as far as he knew she had no friends in school . He always thought they were a little similar , he never talked to too many people either , but the big difference between the two of them was that he at least had some friends , and good ones at that . Josh stared at Anna 's back again and thought that maybe Anna was playing a part in school , a theatrical role and that maybe she was a different person when she was at home , maybe she liked to wear dresses and skirts when she was at home for example . At school there were no real rules for what they were allowed to wear , as long as it wasn 't too revealing . Many girls wore skirts to school but Anna never did , she always wore the same kind of shirts and jeans . Josh was sure that skirts and dresses would have suited her too . He tried to speak to her several times previously but she never really answered back to him . Or she was just being outright distrusting and simply pushed him away . That wasn 't going to deter him though , he kept at it and slowly she did open up slightly . Although maybe open up was pushing it a bit . It was more like she now tolerated his presence rather than shoed him away immediately . She still didn 't say much though , but it gave Josh the impression that even she ever wanted or needed someone she might call upon him . He was after all the only person in school she communicated with , even if it was only on rare occasions , so he really was the only her only option . He tried to come to terms with the situation and where he stood when Anna abruptly stopped and he very nearly bumped into her . ' I don 't know , but did you see the sly smile he gave us ? It was a sneaky smile . I have a feeling he was not telling us something , almost like he wanted us to get into trouble or something . ' ' But Anna that makes no sense , he was helping us already by answering all of our questions . I mean he didn 't have to do that , but he did . ' Pleaded Josh ' Exactly , he didn 't have to answer any of our questions and he could have told us anything and we would have believed him . Because the truth is we are stuck somewhere and we know nothing . So maybe he has some kind of secret agenda , I don 't know yet . ' ' That makes no sense , maybe he was just nice . Or if we assume he wasn 't nice then maybe he didn 't really care if we knew or not . Either way the only thing we can do now is go wherever he told us right ? ' ' No . That is not the only option , we can choose to go the other way and make our own decisions based on what we saw . I mean , yes we are in some strange place , but no we don 't need to believe Boris . I don 't trust him . ' Anna stared at Josh waiting for him to talk her out of it , but he didn 't . Instead he just stared at her , waiting for her to make the decision . Josh stared back and then quickly lowered his eyes to the ground ' I don 't know . I think he was just being nice . And honestly the forest sounds better than the alternative . ' Anna stared at the view in front of them : to the left stretching as far as the eye could see was the forest , the first option . To the right was a stretch of sand and in the back of it far beyond was a large mountain range . The tips of the mountains were covered with a small layer of white snow . She tried to clear her mind and think which way would be better when she was interrupted by the growling and grumbling noises of her stomach . She stared at her little black wristwatch . The black wristwatch was a gift her father gave her for her 8th birthday . Now a few years later she still had it and she wore it constantly . She only took it off when she went to sleep . The time was 12 : 00 , normally at school this was when she went outside took out her sandwich and ate it in silence , now though everything was different . She didn 't let it show but when Boris said that their journey might take weeks she was frightened . She quickly pushed that little part in her down and shut it up , but it was like trying to hush a waterfall , she could still hear it echoing in the far recesses of her head . Three weeks ? We have to survive on our own for three weeks ? That is impossible ! What will you eat or drink ? Where will you sleep ? And what about your father ? ! She bit her tongue trying to keep her emotions away , keeping her emotions in check . Over - thinking the situation was useless , she had a current problem and she needed to solve it . She tried to think of the situation objectively , tried to think what direction would offer the best solution or at least the least problems . She had to take into account that food could be a very real problem . Their first concern should be food and because they had nothing with them they needed to go somewhere where there was more chance to find some . If she looked at it that way the decision was easy to make . ' I think we will go to the forest . ' Announced Anna finally ' but not because Boris told us to go there . I think we should go there because that is our best chance to find food and maybe water . ' About an hour or so into their march Josh started walking next to Anna instead of behind her . Anna was glad for this change ; she didn 't much like walking in front of him , it just that she made a decision and went with it , for some reason it was as though she was the natural leader of their little pack . She didn 't want the role of leader or its responsibility that came with it , she thought that just taking care of herself was difficult enough . The only reason she was in front up until now in the first place , was because Josh for some reason known only to him decided to walk behind her rather than next to her . It made her feel slightly better knowing he was walking next to her . They were walking for hours and they were becoming increasingly tired , so Josh suggested they should take a short break . There were no trees to offer any shade from the sun so they just squatted on the grass and took a short break to rest their legs . Anna stared at her watch it showed the time to be 2 in the afternoon . Anna hadn 't eaten or drank anything from 8 in the morning when she had her breakfast of cereals . Worse than the hunger however was the thirst , she was really thirsty now . Walking in the hot and warm air left her particularly parched . Her throat was dry and she felt an uncontrollable itch developing in the back of her throat in a place where she could not reach . She craved for a glass of fresh orange juice , or even a glass of cold water . She was never really a fan of water , she preferred juices but now she could do with some fresh water . ' I just thought you might be angry with me . ' Answered Josh smiling a broad smile . They sat down for several more moments enjoying the temporary silence and rest before deciding it was time to get up and get going once again . An hour later the first features in their immediate surroundings began to change . The grass around them was the first thing they noticed changing , at first when they sat out the fields were green and lush with a fresh smell hanging around , now though the lush green grass was becoming drier , the green fading into a dry yellow straw . The closer they got to the forest the drier the ground was which according to Anna made no sense . A forest needed water to prosper and from looking at the grass it looked as they were steadily heading to an area that had less water . Maybe the rainfall diminished but there was an underground current running that the trees were tapping into suggested Josh . With the uncertainty looming around them like a veil they marched on , somewhat reluctantly but without choice now . They were too far to change course and so stubbornly against their better judgment they trod on heading closer to the forest , that now seemed rather dark and uninviting and not at all the little piece of hope it seemed only moments ago . The closer they got to the forest the more things around them changed . At first the ground changed from a fertile green grass to dry weeds and then completely dead barren with nothing growing in it at all . The ground turned hard and dark brown full of lumps and uneven , it was difficult to walk on it . But it wasn 't just the ground that changed it was the air around them . At first they hardly noticed but as they got closer to the forest it became more apparent . The blue skies were slowly turning into grey and the air around them which smelled fresh was now becoming stale , heavy and humid . The ominous feeling that they were heading to a place of darkness only intensified . They stopped just in front of the forest in unison and stared . The trees were dark , dense and it was difficult to see anything through the thick brush of branches in front of them , anything at all . It was as though shadows danced in front of them blocking their view so that they could see nothing beyond the branches that blocked their passage . Anna and Josh stared at one another , they were feeling reluctant to enter the forest now that they were face to face with it , but neither of them felt like saying anything out loud . All thoughts of food and thirst were now of no concern as they faced the strange forest . They shared another look and then Anna stared coldly at the forest , searching for signs of weakness . She sighed and then took a step forward . Josh wanted to grab hold of her hand to reassure her as well as reassure him that everything was fine , although he knew the feeling deep down in the pit of his stomach told him to stop kidding . He wanted to walk calmly beside Anna but his feet were telling him that only a fool would enter a forest that was this dark when it was still light outside . But it was too late already Anna had already entered the forest and he had to quickly catch up to her , now if only his legs wouldn 't stay rooted to the ground he could get a move on . He tried to call out to Anna to alert her to his predicament but he was surprised to notice that when he tried to do so no sound would come . He tried to shout as loud as he could , but nothing happened . His voice just like his feet was not working properly . Fear slowly crept over him not because he was now rooted to the spot without any way to call for help , but because Anna now walked into the forest alone without him . He pulled with all his might at his now frozen and motionless legs , trying to get them to cooperate but it was of no use . It was like trying to pull a truck . Josh tried to move the rest of his body only to find that it too was now beyond his control . Slowly but surely his body was not his to control anymore . It wasn 't as though he felt a numbness coming over his limbs it was as though all form of feeling was just gone . After his torso and hands were similarly irresponsive , came his neck and head until finally the only thing that he could maintain some control over were his eyes . He could blink and move them left and right without any problem ; the rest however was now just flesh . He expected his body to fall forward but it didn 't , he was standing perfectly straight like a lamppost frozen to the spot . Josh stood there for several moments where nothing happened , he was still breathing which meant that all the involuntary muscles weren 't similarly affected and for the moment there was no one around him . The feeling of dread slowly faded and there was not a lot he could do now anyway except looking around . He was concentrating on the sounds around him . When they first arrived this close to the forest he thought that all sound was gone , that they entered some closed environment , but now that he had some time to listen he noticed that wasn 't the case . There were sounds around him they were just muffled , as though his ears were padded with some gaze . He didn 't recognize the sounds he heard but they were definitely there . Soft throaty chirping sounds and other strange things that didn 't seem to go together , such as a gul - gul - gul sound similar to the sound you make when you drink combined with a tssss sound which sounds like a can of coke opening . Josh couldn 't make much out of the sounds but they made him slightly uncomfortable , more so because he couldn 't move and was now a target for anyone . Several more moments passed and Anna still didn 't notice he wasn 't behind her or perhaps she was similarly stuck . Or maybe someone had taken his place . Maybe a monster of some sort transformed itself into him and was now walking with Anna . The thought of Anna being in danger made Josh increasingly anxious when suddenly standing there in front of him was Anna staring at him . Her mouth was opening and closing and it took him a while to realize that she was talking to him . Only he couldn 't hear her , whatever she was saying the forest was swallowing the sounds , or maybe his ears had been affected after all . Anna was becoming increasingly angry with Josh , he could tell because she was now opening her mouth wider when she was speaking and her face was contorted with a frown appearing above her nose . When Josh didn 't respond she put her hands on her hips muttered something and walked straight towards him and then just before she could reach him she looked like she hit something , she stumbled backwards in surprise and took a good look to see what it was that she hit . When she stumbled backwards Josh could hear a hearty laugh close to him , but he couldn 't see anything what it was . Anna probably couldn 't hear anything or if she did she did not appear to take any notice of it , instead she walked carefully towards Josh , arms stretched forward . Then just before she could reach Josh she stopped and like a mime miming a box she did the same . There was a wall or something between the two of them . Josh flailed his body back and forth in joy taking immense pleasure at the simple movement he could now do . He had a big smile on his face as he quickly walked towards Anna . He checked once just to be sure and sure enough the invisible wall had disappeared . ' Anna , thank god you 're ok , I was stuck in the position you saw me in and I couldn 't move or anything and I thought maybe a monster pretended to be me was walking with you and … ' Josh trailed off because Anna wasn 't looking at him she was looking open - mouthed at something behind him . Josh completely forgot about the voice that was talking when he was stuck . He was so happy to be able to move normally again that the voice and more importantly its owner completely vanished from his mind . He turned around afraid of what he might see and stared open - mouthed at the creature that was standing in front of them . It was humanoid only it was standing on only one leg ; he was wearing red pants and had bright red hair , other than his pants he was naked his skin dark brown . He was holding a pipe in his hand which he was lighting ; when he lifted his hands Josh was shocked to see that there were holes in his palms . After he lit his pipe the creature turned his attention back to the two of them . ' So humans huh ' he said puffing on his pipe ' I have not seen any humans for a very long time . But where are my manners , let me introduce myself I am Saci . ' The creature said and reached out his hand . Josh was the first to close his mouth and snap out of his trance . ' Pleased to meet … . ' Josh couldn 't complete the sentence because before he could reach the creature he fell flat on his face the wind completely knocked out of him . The creature burst out laughing . Josh got up slowly and looked at his sport shoes . The laces of the one shoe were tied together with the laces of the other shoe . Josh sat and started undoing the knot ' did you do this ? ' he asked . ' Because it was funny ! You should have seen your face you looked like you were about to explode when you thought the boy wasn 't answering you and then when you hit the barrier that was just priceless . ' The memory of the moment sent Saci back into a fit of laughing that ended with him laughing so loudly he halfway started coughing . He hit his chest several times and then said ' this pipe will be the death of me . ' This was apparently again very funny because he launched into another fit of hysterical laughter . Anna and Josh turned their backs to Saci and were about to enter the forest when Saci interrupted them . ' I would not do that if I were you . ' He said cryptically . Saci burst into laughter again his eyes were tearing . Anna was biting hard on her lips trying not to laugh herself there was something about Saci 's laugh that was contagious . She took a deep breath and looked at Josh . His tongue was sticking out of his mouth and he was now drooling . His eyes were said and he looked like he was begging Anna for help . ' Oh come now this is a joyous occasion for me I have not seen humans in centuries or is it longer than that ? What is more than a century ? Well whatever it is that is the answer . ' ' Because it is dangerous if you do not know your way around it . I would suggest to go back home , where you came from . There is nothing here . No humans , that is for sure . I have seen many creatures though . One thing I will tell you , do not try any pranks on the creatures in the forest they do not take jokes lightly ! Which is strange in and of itself because how else can you take a joke ? ' Saci scrutinized Anna ' are you sure you are a girl ? ' he asked . When she started to look slightly embarrassed as well Saci burst out laughing again . ' Do not worry you little heads I shall take you to my home and you shall be fed and on the morrow I will explain the forest and the things that lie in it and if you still feel like venturing into it I shall at least make sure that you are in good company . ' With that said the saci looked around the two and puffed on his pipe . The shadows had disappeared as did the school . They were standing in a green and lush meadow , filled with grass and several different sorts of plants and small flowers , a large forest lay several kilometres in front of them and behind them they could just make out the start of a mountain range . The sky was blue , with a yellow round circle of fire and there were no clouds anywhere . It looked like they were in Switzerland now or at least something similar . Anna had seen lord of the rings several times and this looked slightly like middle earth or maybe New - Zealand . It could have even been Scotland on a good rainless day , although that was harder to believe . Josh was still grinning ; a big happy grin , Anna looked at him and almost absent minded started counting how many teeth he was showing . There were quite a few of them . As Anna stared at him a strange shift was happening to Josh 's grin , it was slowly retracting and morphing into something different in fact his whole face was morphing and contracting in fear , his eyes were not focused on her though they were staring at something in the sky . Anna followed Josh 's gaze and saw a large beast flying past , she stared open mouthed at the creature of legend , of fantasy of her very own imagination . The creature had two wings and a large tail , it had dark red scales and Anna loved them , she even had a poster of several of them in a multitude of colours hanging on one of her walls in her room . It was a dragon . The red dragon was a fire breathing dragon , Anna recalled , there were also blue dragons that breathed out ice and lived in frozen lands and there were also green dragons , although she couldn 't recall what they breathed , poison ? She remembered that there were also Chinese dragons but those were very different and she wasn 't completely sure about black dragons . It was Josh who shook her out of it , not by physically shaking her but by screaming something incoherently , it was the scream that finally made her stop staring in shock and understand that they weren 't home yet . Anna grabbed Josh by the hem of his shirt , covered his mouth to stifle his scream and pulled him down to the ground . Dragons had very good eyes although they could get really bad eyesight depending on their age . Whatever the situation it was a bad idea if a big red dragon saw you or heard you which it most likely now did . Flying high above them in the distance was another creature , it was this creature that was giving chase to the dragon , it was still far away and they could not see it clearly , but as it was nearing they noticed that it wasn 't just one creature it was a flock of them . They all looked alike except for the leading creature . The leading creature had the face and body of a woman but it definitely wasn 't a woman for intertwined within the arms , hairs and waist were serpents , their mouths hissing and tongues sticking out . It wore a black robe and had large black wings that carried it very swiftly through the air . The woman 's face had a cruel and ugly twist to it , it was a terrifying sight , one Anna knew she would never forget , the beast was flying very quickly and it looked as though it was catching up with the dragon , which was lucky for them , she had the feeling that if the animal would have seen them they wouldn 't be around for much longer . There were about 12 monsters of a different sort but still quite similar flying behind . They had the body of a large bird and the face of a woman , although the face didn 't really resemble any woman , for if it did it would be the ugliest woman Anna had ever seen . They were all flying in formation chasing the dragon . ' That 's from Greek mythology ' Josh answered and looked at Anna . She motioned for him to carry on and as he did his eyes shone with excitement ' they are one of the worst monsters in Greek mythology they are very intelligent and vicious , I think it was responsible for the torture of the dead in Hell or at least it was something like that , I don 't really remember the details . I think they used to punish the wicked but because they were so vicious no one dared speak their name , they are bad news . They have a sort of servant I guess which work for them and those are the Harpies that flew behind them . ' ' It could be , I don 't really know why it would but I guess a Erinyes and those Harpies could attack a Dragon . I 'm not sure if they could win against them , although the Dragon was running away . Erinyes are immortal so maybe that 's why the Dragon flew away . ' Anna stared at Josh with new found respect , she always assumed he was just a little cry baby it took her by surprise that they shared so many common interests . Strangely it annoyed her slightly as well , that Josh knew all about the Harper or Harpy or whatever that thing was and she knew nothing at all about it . She was always proud of her knowledge on almost any fantastical subject and here was Josh who seemed to know more about it then she did . But she smiled , dragons was her subject he wouldn 't more than her when it came to dragons . ' What about the dragon we saw ? ' she said ' Did you recognize it ? ' Josh stared at the sky in thought and finally said ' I 'm missing a few but there are red , blue , green , white , yellow , grey , purple and black coloured dragons . There are also the metallic dragons that are silver , gold , bronze and all of those and there are other ones that I 'm forgetting ' Josh paused for a moment trying to remember which ones he was missing . ' Ahh ' he cried suddenly remembering ' There are also rainbow dragons and brown , did I say brown already ? That 's all I can remember now ' he resigned . Anna stared at him in shock he knew more about dragons than she did . She made the list in her head just previously and forgot all about the rainbow dragons , she wasn 't actually even sure they existed and she forgot about the white and black ones which she knew about but simply forgot . The metallic ones were new to her as well ; in just two little answers Josh had shaken her belief to the core , from the fantasy queen she thought she was , she had descendent lower than Josh . How many others were there that she didn 't know about ? She always felt that she was a loner stuck in her own imagination , much to her own pleasure but maybe she was wrong . She pushed the thought away from her mind ; it would do her no good now , the only good thing the questions gave them were a few moments of peace and escape from the harsh reality they were in . It was time now to face reality again and get home . Josh probably still had the ring , so all they needed to do was use it and get out of here . She didn 't have her toy anymore so it was all up to Josh . ' Let 's get out of here ' she said to Josh ' do you still have the ring ? ' she asked . Josh nodded . ' Good then use it and let 's get out of here as soon as we can . ' Josh took the ring out of his pocket and put it on his finger , this time Anna grabbed hold of him , she wasn 't going to let him go and disappear on her again . Josh grabbed hold of the ring around his finger as he has done previously with one finger on the rock and one on the other side . He tried rubbing it , turning it , twitching it , but nothing seemed to work . Josh didn 't disappear and they were both still standing in the same place . ' Let me try ' said Anna . Obediently Josh took off the ring and handed it over to Anna who put it on and tried the ring out as Josh had done . But just like before , it was clearly not working anymore . They were stuck in this alien place , with no way to go back home . It was the monsters that they had seen that made them stop thinking about home for the moment . They needed to find somewhere safe , that was the first priority then and only ten they could try and find a way to get home . So without a too long pause for sorrow or letting depressing and sadness take root Anna said ' Let 's get out of here before we become lunch to the next monster that passes us . ' Josh didn 't argue and just nodded his head . He didn 't question her on why she asked him all those questions previously he just followed her . This is why she felt he was spineless , it was the same in class he was always quiet afraid to say anything . This was the first time he had actually talked , or maybe he talked to other people , she never really did pay attention to him before . Anna marched in the direction opposite to the forest . She decided that the forest would be more dangerous than the opposite although they couldn 't really say anything yet , in the horizon that could see a mountain range with what looked like snow covering the peaks but prior to the mountain range they could see nothing . Anna felt as though it was going to be a long walk indeed . Josh didn 't answer her ; he stared at the ground slightly embarrassed . She didn 't mean to make him feel bad , but he had to face facts . They were somewhere strange and magical where several creatures from the imagination and mythology just showed up , that meant trouble . Crying out for help would only make things worse , they had to fight for themselves and get through this . If she had to carry Josh with her she would . Without looking back , Anna started walking along the long green grass towards the mountain range . Josh said nothing and hurried after her . They walked for several miles and the mountain range seemed no closer than when they started . It was still a long way away , and although Anna decided that was the best way to go , she now was not so sure anymore . She looked up at the sky , the sun was in the middle of the sky ( she couldn 't tell the difference , if indeed there was a difference , between this sun and the sun of back home ) , noon , normally she was having a sandwich right about now , although she wasn 't really hungry now in this weird place , it was strange how familiar certain things were and how alien at the same time . She stopped in her tracks as did Josh . She listened carefully trying to make out another cry , but there was nothing . She looked through the grass looking for the origin or the owner of the voice when suddenly it started laughing uncontrollably . ' That isn 't even close to the direction I was in ' it said and it was now clear that it came from behind her . Anna turned around and looked at Josh . There was no one else there except from him . Anna bent and looked through the grass until she saw a little figure of about 10 - 30 centimetres in length . At first she thought it must be a dwarf , but it looked nothing like a dwarf . It wore an all white suite and had long green grass where hair should be . He had a large beard and his eyes were really strange too , one was blue and the other was green . Anna stared at the creature suspiciously ; she turned to Josh who looked just as astonished at the creature . ' That was very rude ! ' said the creature ' You could have just asked me what I was . But now , I don 't think I shall tell you . ' The creature turned his back to them in contempt . ' I don 't think I have ever heard of it ' said the creature . ' And if I have never heard of it then you must have made it up . ' The creature concluded . Anna stared at the creature , than she turned to Josh who was staring up into the sky , deep in thought . ' Is that related to Slovakia , or Poland ? ' Josh asked . The creature thought for a minute and smiled ' I think it must be Poland ' he said . ' That 's where I am originally from you know . ' he said tapping the side of his cheek . ' They had really good fields there ' he said wistfully . ' Well the world , just sort of exploded one day . ' The creature said , he wasn 't done though as he seemed to mule this over and added ' But not like a real explosion , more like a ripping of the world . It was like the world tore itself apart . ' ' Well I am Anna and this is Josh ' she said pointing at Josh who was still standing behind her . ' We are both human ' she added not completely sure if that was what Polevik meant . Or did he mean species ? ' Or Homo sapiens . That also works ' she added . Both children stared at him open mouthed and gasping . Boris didn 't seem to think too much of it though . ' Almost everyone here is immortal or very close to it . If they are not immortal than either they are very difficult to kill or they are protected by something . ' ' Sure , not sure you would like it though . It sounds good at first but then when you realize you will go through every day forever , it is actually tedious . Don 't get me wrong I don 't really want to die either , ' Boris added quickly ' but it 's just so boring here . ' Both Anna and Josh didn 't really know how to respond and so they just kept quiet . Anna decided it was best to just change the subject altogether . ' Boris , what species are you ? ' ' Well Polewiki are I guess part of the faeries or pixis . We don 't really get along with the others though . Most of them are too rude and quite annoying actually . ' ' Yes , you know she comes to you at night when you lose your milk teeth and if you put them under your pillow , she takes them and leaves you something nice in return . Usually money . ' Explained Anna . ' Sounds fishy to me , but it could be something faeries do . Most of the ones I know , would terrorize you , or try to manipulate you . They wouldn 't give you anything in return unless it was something cursed . I haven 't really been in contact with other faeries for about a hundred years or so , so it might be different now . But generally they are a bad bunch , can 't be trusted . ' ' I did ' said Boris smiling a big smile . ' But don 't worry the worst I used to do was send people the wrong way . Or punish some lazy people , but that 's about it . Now I just like sitting in the fields and relax . ' ' Sure I do , ' answered Boris ' why do you think I 'm in the field ? Can 't stand being in the house the whole time . Every day the same things , go do this go do that , so instead I just stay here in the fields . ' Anna and Josh both shared a look . To see your family only once a year was an insurmountable amount of time . How could you not miss them , or at least visit them in the holidays like you did your aunts and uncles ? It was a difficult idea to grasp , and both had problems with it . But if you were immortal maybe things like that didn 't matter anymore . Actually maybe nothing mattered anymore when you were immortal . Boris thought for a moment and then said ' The world used to be a big ball , it was then broken into a separate field , there was this really big light when that happened ' Boris seemed deep in thought , going back a long time in his memory . ' I don 't know if it was the light that split the world or that the light was just the after affect . But what I do know is that after the bright light , we were all shut off from the light . It was as though the whole world . No the universe itself , shut off . There was no light , or stars or anything in the sky , even the bigger gods and more powerful deities could do nothing but stare and wait for something to happen . Eventually something did , when the darkness passed there was another moment of brightness where the stars and the universe came back . Only there were changes , the gods could not move between realms anymore , and the people were gone . People like you , we had no idea where you all went to but you all disappeared . That meant that all the gods and creatures that lived off of souls died . All the other realms collapsed and that is it really we have been living here ever since . ' Finished Boris his history lesson . ' Oh yes , there were years or centuries , I don 't really remember , either way it was a long time where everyone tried to get the upper hand . Fights broke out everywhere and that quickly escalated to all out wars . At the end the world got split into several different places of which this is one . ' ' As ok as it can be , I haven 't really been part of any of it . I found it stupid to go to a full all out war between immortals . The most that you can hope to achieve is to destroy the world or trap the others . You could never really erase the others , so I just kept out of it . Luckily no one cared about the fields here , so I just stayed here and skipped the whole war thing . ' ' That 's a good thing . ' Said Boris . ' Although if I am honest about it , now there are even more problems than when there were wars . Now everyone is looking out for themselves , so they do whatever they please . It 's a good thing no one ever bothers me here , well except for you too . ' At this the two of them felt slightly ashamed . But at least now they knew a lot more about the place they arrived in . In shock Josh realized they had forgotten one important question . ' Can I ask you one last thing ? ' ' It is called Scriven . ' Answered Boris . Posted in The cereal adventure and tagged adventure , children tale , Eytan Breman , fantasy , The Cereal adventure on June 16 , 2014 by ebreman . Alright , try to think about this logically what was Josh doing just before he vanished ? He was playing with her ring , the ring she got from the cereal box . He was trying to get it off when he was suddenly whisked away . Did the ring take him somewhere ? If that was it then she had to find another ring like it and that would lead her to the same place . Whatever that other place was she was sure she could get him out of there , she had some money on her all she needed to do was to go to the shopping centre and find some cereal boxes that contained the ring . School was now an afterthought and she quickly left the school yard to find another ring . It was a quick walk to the supermarket where Anna bought a pack of cereals . The pack looked the same and there was nothing there that made the pack looked different . Excited she walked out of the supermarket and sat on a bench in front of it . She opened the cereal box from the bottom of the pack instead of the top , it was a little trick her dad taught her . The toy is usually heavier than the cereals he used to say , so when the pack is moved from the factory to the supermarket it finds itself at the bottom of the pile . At the bottom of the pack she could already make out a price , she quickly opened the bag and took out the toy . She stared at the toy in surprise it wasn 't a ring like she expected it to be but rather a small red toy car made from plastic . How was she supposed to use the car to get to where Josh was ? The ring was a simple matter , at least she assumed it was an easy matter , she just had to put it on her hand and that would be that , but with the car things were more complicated . Assuming that car even worked and got her to the same place what was she supposed to do with it ? Anna closed the cereal box and put the car on the bench next to her and ran it back and forth . She stared around her hoping that perhaps something would have been different but it was all the same . The bench , the supermarket everything was the same , she hadn 't left and was still stuck in the same boring reality while Josh was lost somewhere . She tried to think about it a bit further , what would Josh do if he found himself in a strange place ? He would most likely just cry or be utterly useless . He was hopeless without her , she was sure that it was her only option . She had to help him somehow she had to find a way to get to him to save him from whatever horror was assailing him right now . Secretly she was hoping he needed her , she tried to reassure herself that nothing too bad was going to happen to him but that he would be just scared enough that he would need her to save him . For that she needed to get to him however . She got up and walked back into the supermarket , she needed to buy another pack of cereals and try to get one that had the ring in it . She entered the supermarket and was surprised to see that it was empty . She was just there and although it wasn 't very busy there were several cashiers and several costumers walking through the shop . Now she stood there on her own . She walked through the empty supermarket , looking for costumers , workers or any at least someone that could confirm that they were just there . She sat only moments on the bench it was impossible for everyone to leave while she sat there . And why would the cashier leave ? It made no sense . She passed aisles and rows of products but she could find no people anywhere . If they were here they were hiding very well . She wasn 't afraid of the sudden change only surprised . She walked to the cereal aisle , if there weren 't any people around she might be able to get the ring she needed . She went to the cereal the she ate this very morning and reached out to grab it . She gasped in horror as her hand went right through the box as though it wasn 't there . Anna stared at her hand in shock and when she was reassured that her hand was really there she stared at the cereal box , it looked just like any other cereal box . It was blue with a large white bowl on the cover and a slogan in red and the price in every box caption . When the fear had settled a little and she was now sure that nothing would attack her and that she was more or less safe for the moment at least she reached out for the cereal box again . Again her hand passed right through it , as though it stopped existing on this plane of existence , or maybe there was something else going on . She tried to touch other things in the supermarket but she couldn 't . Everything was rooted to its place and she could touch nothing . Fear slowly crept back into her heart like a leech tugging at her , what could she do now ? What would she eat or drink ? She couldn 't hold a book in her hands anymore , or play videogames or even use the toilet . Maybe it was a joke ? She thought hopefully . Yes that must be it why else would there be no one around . The whole shop or aisle at least must be a hologram or something . Maybe a projection of some kind aimed to trick me . ' Ha good try ! But I got you now ' she called out to no one in particular expecting people to jump out from behind hidden areas in the shop and shout surprise or something . Although it wasn 't her birthday and she was now actually breaking the rules by not going to school , her little break was now no longer a little break but rather skipping class … She waited several more moments until she decided to give up on waiting for someone to jump out of his or hers hiding place . If they didn 't do so already it meant that whatever was happening to her was most likely real . Another thought occurred to her , what if the things that happened around her weren 't actually happening to the things but rather to her ? Maybe she was now where Josh was ? If that 's the case then she needed to get her toy back , the little red car , she left it on the bench outside . She had a nagging suspicion that it was too late though . She bit her lip and reached out to hold the car in her hand . Her hand slipped right through it . How stupid could she be ? She just lost her only way back out of this … whatever this was . When Josh vanished she was jealous of him , she thought he must have disappeared to a miraculous place filled with wondrous animals , beasts and many other rarities only available in her own imagination . But now that she was here she couldn 't help but feel somewhat disappointed . There was nothing of what she wished for , and worse still she was all alone without the ability to interact with anything and the strangest part of all was the people . Where did they all run off to ? Why couldn 't she see them or interact with them at least ? She clutched her head in frustration , how could I have been so stupid ? She cried . She wasn 't alone Josh went to this strange place too right ? So he must be somewhere next to the school , or maybe he went home when he couldn 't find anyone , she decided not to think about it and headed out to the school . It was eerie the way the streets were empty of all the people . It wasn 't just the people though , there was nothing alive anywhere , no animals or at least no pets and birds , she didn 't check the zoo but she assumed that they were similarly empty . As she continued down the street to her school she realized that the absence of people and animals was only one part of the strangeness around her . She didn 't notice it before but as she was walking she noticed that there was no air around her , it wasn 't the wind that just stopped blowing but rather the air itself that was strangely still . She tried to take a deep breath expecting to hear the suction of air into her lungs but when she took a deep breath she noticed that no air was coming into her lungs . There was no air for her to breath . She wasn 't dead though she was sure of that and even if she was dead then where were all the other dead people ? She didn 't know how many people died , but she knew that history was only about people that died , so the streets should be packed with people and not empty . There were other things as well that kept nagging her , things that were not normal but she couldn 't tell what they were . One of them though clarified when she looked up , she didn 't notice it at first because she hardly ever looked at the sky anymore , not like when she was younger , she used to love looking at the sky then she could spend days doing nothing else . For a moment the sky seemed normal she could see clouds and a big ball of fire and light above it slightly blinding her , on closer inspection though the sky seemed very different . The normally white or grey clouds weren 't white at all they were dark black and the sun was a strange mixture of colours . It looked like there was some brown and black there but also some dark green or blue , she couldn 't really tell but it hurt her eyes to look at it too long which made it at least a little similar to the normal sun . She knew now without a shadow of a doubt that she wasn 't home anymore , that this wasn 't her world but a mirror image of it . Alright she thought if I was Josh where would I go ? Her first thought was actually where is that good for nothing fool , but she then thought that that wasn 't very nice and that she had quite a fright herself when it first happened to her . Although Josh was now much longer here then she was so maybe he lost hope of ever going out , or maybe he put the ring on and off again and got out of this place , leaving her stranded here . She pinched herself painfully in her arm for allowing herself to think that way and went back to the front of the school . From the corner of her eye she thought she saw something move , she turned to look at it , but there was nothing there . She shrugged and walked into the school . She walked up the stairs and straight to her classroom , she walked quickly and got to her classroom in no time . She opened the door and looked inside . The room was empty , it was a strange sight she never saw the classroom empty before . There was always someone there when she arrived at school it was scary to see the class ready for a lesson but without pupils to fill the chairs or a teacher to stand in front of it . Anna quickly closed the door and walked down the hallway , could she have missed Josh ? Was she now stuck here forever ? The thought never entered her mind but now she had nothing to hold on to . She hated to admit it but she had put her hope on Josh , he was supposed to be here , he was supposed to be the one to take her back , so where was he ? Did he go back already when she went to get the car from the supermarket ? If that 's what happened then this was it , her life was over . She suddenly stopped , there was something wrong . Fear came over her again and she quickly got up , something made her stop a noise or a movement of some king . She listened carefully and heard a clinking coming from somewhere in front of her . She walked slowly but steadily to the origin of the sound . She stopped in front of a maintenance cupboard and slowly opened the door . Inside cowering in the corner sat Josh , his head held down his body rolled into a ball . Anna 's emotions ran from happy to pity to simple confusion in seconds . ' What shadows ? ' she asked . It was then that she realized what had been disturbing her this whole time . There were no shadows , although the trees and buildings were all there as well as a fake sky , they cast no shadows , it was only now when Josh had mentioned it that she noticed that they were strangely missing , there were no shadows anywhere . Josh looked at her and then past her to a place only he could see . ' I was sitting on the bench and then I was here . I thought it was a trick or something but when you didn 't come back I headed back to class but I found no one there . I thought maybe I would just wait for my dad to come and pick me up that 's the first time I noticed the shadows . At first they follow you from the corner of your eye keeping just out of sight almost like they are studying you . But then they stop following you and try to attack you , several of the shadows chased me down the building until I found this maintenance closet and hid in it ' . Anna put the ring on her finger , now all she had to do was rub , or hold the ring like Josh did and she would be back home . But what about Josh , she had to take him with her somehow . Suddenly from the corner of her eye she saw something move , she turned to face it and saw a shadow move quickly towards her . This was what Josh had been talking about ; she pushed the fear down and swallowed hard , if only she could get the ring to work for both of them they would be out of there . Shadows were now visibly moving out of their own accord towards her she stared for a moment in pure shock , she was surrounded by shadows that started walking or crawling or gliding towards her . Next to her Josh was shaking visibly . ' This should work … ' She said out loud trying to comfort herself as much as Josh but Josh wasn 't looking at her his gaze was focused on one thing only a large shadow that looked like it was standing in front of them . Anna then held the ring like she saw Josh do and pulled it slightly … " Yes , honey . There should be " replied her father . He was facing the kitchen sink and didn 't turn around " it says so on the box , price in every box , right ? " Nora looked at the box . It did say that in big bold letters A Price in every box . She wasn 't sure they meant this though . The ring she held in her hands had a metallic yellow - silver like colour to it . It shone and gleamed when light hit it , it had a little rock in it or was it a mineral , she didn 't really understand the difference between the two her mother even referred to the diamond in her ring as a rock so they were most likely the same thing anyway . The rock was golden it looked like molten honey had hardened on it and she thought that if she focused on it properly enough she could make out a few darker things . She thought it was beautiful . She put the ring carefully in her pocket and poured milk into her cereal bowl . When she finished eating she headed out the door took the bus and arrived at school . She wasn 't late , well that wasn 't true she was hardly late when she arrived at school . The teacher had just closed the door by the time she got there , she tried to sneak in unnoticed but that couldn 't really work , as soon as she opened the door the teacher noticed her and she got scolded by her teacher and distraught sat down in her seat at the back of the class next to the window . It was a long lecture about something , it started with numbers and variables and she quickly lost interest . Whenever that happened she would start drifting to her favourite place in the world . Her imagination , it was the only place that was truly hers and whenever she felt like the world was uninteresting she would go for a walk there . There was nothing in her imagination that she couldn 't do and there was nowhere that was out of bounds for her . Her inspiration was always a mixed bag of graphic novels , books and television , although it could really be anything at all . " Oh yes " he looked up from his desk and got up with a hand extended . " Nice to see you again I 'll show you to your desk . Its right down here " he said and started walking down the corridor expecting Anna to follow . He took her to a desk and motioned her to sit , I already linked computer up to the network actually the technical service did that . It should all be ready for use " he stated looking deep into her big brown eyes . She was mesmerizing ; her large eyes sucked him in as though they were incredible passageways into a secret and beautiful place . He had to hold himself in check as he noticed he was inching closer to her in order to kiss her . " If you have any questions I will be in my office " he added and walked away . Anna sat behind her desk looking at her screen she didn 't move for several moments , did she just imagine or did Dr Reeves just try to kiss her . Just the thought made her blush , he was a well respected man but more than that he was good looking and she felt very much attracted to him . Maybe she should just try and chat him up , but something told her that if he really wanted to he would have kissed her when he had the chance . So she figured the best way to play it is by just letting it go and do her work to the best of capabilities . She turned back to her screen and looked at the screen , Dr Reeves was a very busy man , and his calendar was something of a challenge as there were no spaces in it at all and many people were sending emails with requests to have a meeting , it took her quite some time to get them sorted . " Anna … " Anna slowly opened her eyes and looked up . The teacher was standing next to her desk looking down , an expression of earnest anger on his face . " What did I tell about falling asleep during my class ? " he asked his voice clearly angry . Anna breathed a sigh of relief and tried to focus her attention on the lesson , a task that was very difficult to her . She hated math and although she did like Mr Reeves , math was just boring to her , all those numbers never made any sense and at the end even if she had understood how to solve a formula she still couldn 't apply it to her question correctly without forgetting some step along the way . The worst part of it was that she actually did try , she wanted to be good at math but it seemed like a forlorn dream to her , a dream that had long passed . She would be happy enough just passing the exam . She turned to face Josh who was sitting at his desk next to her . He was a scruffy looking boy and she didn 't care for him much , he was always trying to talk to her though . " Yes ? " She sighed didn 't he just notice what happened ? He seemed to be even more of a space cadet than me she thought . " Of course I don 't " " Oh . That 's a shame . I thought you could explain it to me after school maybe " he looked slightly ashamed . Was he asking her out ? She didn 't reply and just went back to focusing on the lesson with occasional pauses to look out of the window . Outside it seemed like the world was infinitely more interesting than the real world , outside the world was breathing , there was action adventure and suspense everywhere . There were so many things to do , so many things to see , but hear in the real world you had to sit through boring math classes . Outside even a fallen leaf had his adventure struggling to stay afloat so that it wouldn 't feel any pain when it eventually landed on the ground , only to be whisked away by the wind to an unknown destination . Everything outside seemed so much more interesting then the classroom that she didn 't mind even switching places with a tree leaf . The only nice thing about the class was Mr . Reeves . She didn 't much like the other boys in her class they were all so childish but Mr . Reeves was different , he was a real gentleman . She could tell by the way he spoke that he was nice and gentle man , he could be stern but he would never raise his voice . He had a commandeering timber in his voice that would lead everyone around him to just forget all about challenging him . It wasn 't fear or anything like that it was a sort of respect . She thought it was the combination of his voice and his eyes the timber in his low brisk voice and his dark green eyes that pierced you through with their gaze that did the trick . Or maybe it was something else , he had so many good qualities it was hard to chose something that made him so formidable . When the long lesson was finally over , she sneaked outside for a quick breath of fresh air . She walked out the front doors of the school and headed to the back where there were several trees some bushes and a few benches located in a neat corner . She headed straight for the bench in the middle where she could see the trees and sat down ; she took several deep breaths when a voice startled her . She quickly turned around and only marginally calmed down when she saw that it was Josh . " Hello Josh , what do you want ? Did you follow me ? " She asked him bluntly . His smile beamed at her and he quickly sat in front of her happy and content . Josh was staring at her , as if he was expecting her to do some tricks for him . He looked just like a puppy she thought his brain probably worked like one too . The way he was staring at her made her uncomfortable and to distract herself from it she put her hand in her pocket and fiddled with the ring she got from the cereal pack . Josh continued to stare smiling although he was now also looking at the hand that was hidden in her pocket . " I 'm sorry I just thought it was a cool ring . I 'll take it off if you want " he quickly put a finger on the rock and another on the other side so that he could pull it off . " I promise , I didn 't mean to upset you I … " Josh couldn 't finish his sentence because he wasn 't there anymore . Anna stared in shock but there was no one there . In a moment Josh just disappeared , he was standing right there in front of her and now he was gone . It must be a trick , she looked around trying to locate him somewhere " Josh this isn 't funny . Where are you ? " she screamed , but there was no response , Josh vanished from the face of the earth . Alright , try to think about this logically what was Josh doing just before he vanished ? He was playing with her ring , the ring she got from the cereal box . He was trying to get it off when he was suddenly whisked away . Did the ring take him somewhere ? If that was it then she had to find another ring like it and that would lead her to the same place . Whatever that other place was she was sure she could get him out of there , she had some money on her all she needed to do was to go to the shopping centre and find some cereal boxes that contained the ring . School was now an afterthought and she quickly left the school yard to find another ring . Posted in The cereal adventure and tagged Chapter 1 , children , Eytan Breman , fantasy , The Cereal adventure on May 13 , 2014 by ebreman . |
Riley 's girlfriend was in town , from Houston , so we took her along to the Fresno State game . Poor thing had planned to come into town and then it just so happened to be the weekend that our Grandfather died , so she was thrown into the mix REAL quick . Kate kept poking my belly during this game , and the lady in front of us was like , " Uh , why are you touching her stomach ? " It was actually kind of hilarious because she totally thought Kati was just patting my fat . We found out that baby Lawrence is a GIRL . We were very surprised , and I think John is still a little disappointed . He really thought that he was going to break the Lawrence trend , and have a boy first . We should have known better . We are super excited though . I can 't wait to buy all the cutest outfits that ever existed . We have a couple names picked out that we really love , leaning toward one more than the other . I keep telling people what the name is , and some people 's reactions kind of are not very nice , so I don 't know if I 'll keep telling people . I got too antsy to wait for the doctor , so I ended up going to Fetal Foto a week before going to the doctor . John couldn 't believe that I couldn 't wait another 10 days , but I really couldn 't . I was nearly half way through my pregnancy , and I still didn 't know what I was having ! J didn 't end up going with me to Fetal Foto , so I got to tell him what it was . She was so active during that ultrasound ! As soon as the tech put the thing on my stomach , she started like flapping her arms . It was hilarious . Even though she was very active , she still didn 't want to show us her gender . She kept those little legs closed very tight . Good girl . She wasn 't as active at the ultrasound with the doctor , so John didn 't get to experience that , but we saw all her cute little features , so we loved it nonetheless . Speaking of active , I still can 't feel her . Okay , maybe I can , but I have NO idea what I 'm feeling for . So maybe she 's kicking me all the time , but I sure as heck don 't know that it 's actually her kicking . We got a cute new ( to us ) wardrobe for her . Actually , it 's an entertainment center . The second bedroom in our house doesn 't have a closet , which is outrageous to me , but it 's the truth . So , we had to think on our feet a little bit about how and where we were going to hang up her clothes . So , we bought an entertainment center off KSL , and painted it coral , and we 're going to put a bar in the TV portion of it and make it into a little wardrobe ! I 'm pretty excited about it . It was a great little DIY project . John and I have been talking about remodeling our kitchen for probably a year now . Slowly accumulating little pieces of the puzzle before we really started to tear things apart . We have most of our supplies now , and so the demolition has begun . We are going to try and do it in pieces , so that we aren 't totally without a kitchen for a long period of time . John started with the tile , and will go from there . We have no flooring in our kitchen for a couple of days , and it hurt my feet a lot more than I would have though . He just told me to wear shoes all the time . Thanks babe . He has since put most of the tile in , so at least I have tile to walk on when I need to get from the stairs to the rest of the house . Week 19 of pregnancy ( last week ) was not nice to me . Monday night John and I were watching the new show " Gotham " on TV , because , Batman , duh , and all of a sudden my nose started to burn , and I just gradually got more congested and super tired . All within a single hour . I decided I would go to bed , because sleep is the best cure for everything in my mind , except I couldn 't sleep . I slept until about 1AM , and then was up until 5AM , when I had a panic attack because I was so tired , and I couldn 't breath , at all , and my poor husband was half asleep and didn 't really know what to do with me . Being pregnant , I didn 't really know if I could take anything , but I was just so tired I didn 't care . I ended up taking some NyQuil so I could sleep . Word to the wise , this is the biggest no - no when you are pregnant . I talked to my OB , and he said NyQuil is pretty much the only cough medicine you should NOT take because of the amount of alcohol in it . Whoops . Unfortunately , I was not getting better as the week went on , so I called my doctor again Thursday . He ended up telling me I needed to be taking these certain medications , and get a humidifier , and be using Vics all the time . By the way , did you know there are Kleenex you can buy with Vics in them ? The most amazing thing ever . He told me to page him Saturday morning if things Saturday night it was raining like crazy , and John decided he was going to see if he could tell what was going on with our rain gutter that has water constantly pouring out of it . He got up on a ladder to look into the rain gutter , and decided removing one of the screws would be the best idea because it would release all the water . What he didn 't plan on happening was it gushing out of the gutter , all over him ; he thought he would have a second to get out of the way . I unfortunately didn 't get to witness the event , but he said it was straight out of a movie . He came inside , drenched in water from head to toe , and said he nearly drowned , and that the rain gutter had water - boarded him . I was laughing so hard , I didn 't even know what to say . As you can see , if wasn 't really clean water either ! He talked about it all night . I really can 't believe September is over , but I am excited for October . I love fall , and especially love October because it 's my birthday month ! About a month or so ago , he had a stroke and was in the hospital . After breaking both hips , he had experienced the Rehab Facility ordeal , and didn 't want to go back , so when he was released form the hospital , he went home . Unfortunately after that , he never got better . He was back in the hospital , and then home again . On Labor Day we had a barbecue at their house , and it was the first time in a long time that we had so many family members at my Grandparents ' . Grandpa looked like he was doing better , he had one of his classic smirks on his face , and was eating . The next day , I got a text message from my mom around 3 : 30 saying that Grandpa was back in the hospital and the doctor had said it could be a couple hours , or a couple days , but that he was on his last leg . When John got home from work , we went up to the U and sat with the family . And just waited . He passed away about 9 : 20 PM . It was a hard day . We had a viewing Sunday night , which I feel are always so awkward . I 'm not sure anyone knows really what to do at a viewing . The funeral was at the Parleys Stake Center , and I was asked to speak . Sure . . . make the pregnant girl with raging hormones get up and speak . It wasn 't too bad . But , I did cry through the whole thing . Friday night my Mom was kind of freaking out because the program wasn 't done yet . So , I went home at 11 PM on Friday , put together this program , woke up early on Saturday , got all the information in there , got it to Mom by 10 AM so she could get it to the printer , and it was all done . Grandpa was buried at Mt . Olivet . I didn 't even know you could still buy burial plots there , but , you can ! We had a full military service , which was a first for me , and super cool . I totally jumped while they were doing the 21 gun salute ( which was really only 18 ) . Like I mentioned , I spoke at the funeral . Because this acts as our journal , I decided I would put it on here . You don 't have it read it , this post is already wordy . Who is Russell Grow ? A father , a son , a husband , a grandfather , a friend . An avid golfer , bowler , and a man who loved watching the Jazz . While looking through old photos , I came across one that described Grandpa perfectly . In this picture , Grandpa was laying on his stomach on the ground , with one grandchild sitting on his back , and four others surrounding him while he played with a remote control race car . Grandpa was so devoted to his family , especially his grandchildren . He did anything and everything for his family , and was always there to support his grandkids . Whether it be lacrosse , soccer , dance , or basketball , you could always find him in the audience cheering us on . Even toward the end of his life , he made sure he was there to support his grandkids . Elliot 's wedding was about a month ago , right after Grandpa had his first stroke . Grandpa had just gotten out of the hospital , and wasn 't able to eat solid food , so Elliot wasn 't expecting to see him at his wedding dinner . He said it was the best surprise of the night when he saw Grandpa come through that door . Because of his love for his family , I have decided to share stories and thoughts shared with me by different family members about our Dad and Grandpa . Grow barbecues have been a tradition for as long as I can remember . I think during the summers growing up , we spent every Sunday in that backyard as a family . Grandpa was the grill master for a long time , always the one to cook the hotdogs and hamburgers for the whole family . His ability to make different foods is something we 'll all miss . He made some of the best treats . Kati relayed to me that she remembers , every time she would be at his house , and the recipe for his banana bread was on the refrigerated , she would make a comment about how good banana bread sounded . Without fail , our mom would receive a phone call within a couple of days from Grandpa telling her that he had a loaf of banana bread for our family . His banana bread wasn 't his only baked good that we all loved . His cinnamon rolls , and his pulPosted by This last Thursday ( the 21st ) John and I were so lucky to attend Wicked that was playing at Capitol Theater ! When tickets went on sale my mom mentioned that she was going to get tickets for her and my dad , and Riley , Kati , and I all chimed in that we wanted to go , so that they should get tickets for us . So , they did , and we all went ! Riley ended up buying two tickets , because he said he would have a date , but , seeing as his girlfriend lives in Houston , she wasn 't able to come with us so we offered the ticket to Tom 's mom , Drew . She had never seen Wicked before , so she was so thankful that we asked her to come along ! We love her , even though she isn 't my MIL , she 's pretty much a sweetie . John had never seen Wicked either , and I was so excited about that . He hadn 't really ever been to a big production like this either . We 've been to a couple shows and Hale Center Theater , but nothing this big . I have been trying to convince him that we should go to New York , so I was hoping that this would do the trick . He loved it ! He , like always , was more interested in the mechanics of all of the props , like the giant dragon , and how Capitol was built , but he loved the show . When we got home , I said to him that now we need to go to NYC and he replied with an ugh . . . does it have to be New York ? Can 't it be another big city ? And I said no . It has to be NY . But he agreed that if , and when it happens , we need to plan on going to at least three shows . Which I am TOTALLY okay with ! I 've seen Wicked and Les Miserables in NY , but I would gladly see both again . Or Phantom , Mary Poppins , Mama Mia , or about any other show . I always get a little emotional when I go to broadway shows because as I tell John , being on broadway was my dream , and I never really even tried . His answer to that is , " You weren 't even in musical drama at Highland ! " . . . I don 't think there was a musical drama class at Highland . Just drama . Oh , well . I got married instead , and get to spend every day with my best friend slash crazy husband . Posted by On the 13th , the girls and I all headed up Emigration to Ruth 's diner to have some girl time . I planned the dinner , and told the girls it was for Melissa and Marianne 's birthdays , which are both that week , but I was planning ( with Melissa ) that I would tell them all that night that I was expecting . Except , I got too antsy and told them a week before that because I just couldn 't hold it in anymore . So it turned into a celebration for two birthdays and a baby . I love these girls so much . We decided that they are all going to be " third degree aunties " to Baby Lawrence , and I couldn 't be happier that our baby will have such great examples around them ! They all have expressed how excited they are for us , and how they want to come to the hospital to meet the baby as soon as he / she is born . ( Btw , we find out the gender at 19 weeks , so 4 more weeks and we 'll know if it 's a he or she ) ! That 's right . BABY LAWRENCE . We are expecting our first little one in February . Valentine 's Day to be exact . Great timing , I know . I am currently 15 weeks along , and I am finally feeling like myself again . I was extremely sick for about the first 10 weeks , and then it tapered off , and I feel great now ! Being sick all the time was rough for me . The random odors my nose would pick up would instantly make me sick , and when you are work with a lot of people who smoke , the smell in constantly in the air , and it was 100x more strong at the beginning . My acne was one of the first signs I got that something was different with my body . It seemed like I woke up every day with a new dot on my face , and I haven 't had that problem in like 10 years . I found out June 9th that I was pregnant , and I was going to tell J for Father 's Day which was that following Sunday but I couldn 't hold it in . I ran downstairs at 7AM screaming his name and he thought I was dying . When I told him , he didn 't even say a word , just got back in bed and went back to sleep . We have been trying for a baby since November , so we are both very excited that we finally got a positive test . Our first appointment was the second week of July , and our doctor did an ultrasound to see if we could see the little parasite , and sure enough ! Tiny as can be , but we got to see him / her , and even see the pulsing of the heart . Super neat . We heard the heartbeat at our second appointment and it easily is top five coolest things I 've ever experienced . Everyone tells me wait until I feel the baby move , but I am still tripping out over hearing the heartbeat . It was so surreal . We told my Mom and Dad on my Mom 's birthday . ( And Riley , Kati , and Tom , because they were there ) . Her birthday is the last week in June so we told them way early , but as you can hear the video , they all kind of already knew anyway . After we told my mom she goes into her bedroom and comes walking back out with this onesie that she had bought that day while she was at Carters for another reason . She 's crazy . We told the Lawrence 's the Sunday we celebrated Patty and Olivia 's birthday , which also happened to be our anniversary . Two of our sisters - in - law are pregnant also , due five days apart from each other at the end of November / beginning of December . So we will have THREE new babies within four months on that side of the family and Patty couldn 't be more excited . She has been asking for new babies for what seems like forever , and now she 's getting three in a year . We couldn 't be more excited to be adding a new baby to our family , but it is honestly one of the scariest things ! There is so much to do , to buy , before February , and it is overwhelming . Luckily we have amazing families and friends who are around to help ! Posted by Their reception was in Provo , and unfortunately John was stuck working so I was on my own . Lucky for me , Tom was also stuck working so Kate needed a date also and we just went together . The Riverside Country Club in Provo is crazy beautiful . Seriously , the view you have when you are outside of that place is so amazing . And there were so many people there , which was impressive seeing as half of us live in SLC ! Kati told me when we got there , " Okay , let 's find Samantha and Rosie , and take a picture . " That was her only goal for the night , so we made sure it happened . And we got some pretty dang cute pictures out of it . Probably because we matched quite well . Riley was stuck at work also , and feels like we left him out of our photos . But as you can see , Ted is all about being the center of attention . We are so excited to have Lexi as part of the family , and so happy that Elliot found someone who is 100 % perfect for him . We love you both ! Posted by The carpet was being installed on Saturday so we just kind of hung out around the house that day , made lunch together , took a nap . After the carpet was done , we took a trip to beach and played there for a couple of hours . John said I was no fun because I wouldn 't get in the water . I still think it 's way too cold ! We went to dinner Saturday night at the Bear Trapper , which is the steak house up there . John described it best when he said it 's " The Cowboy Grub of Bear Lake " . The food was good , it just definitely wasn 't a steak house that you find in the big city . My parents paid for our dinner because we volunteered to go up while the carpet was being installed , which was way nice of them , and totally unnecessary , but appreciated . We bought ice cream after dinner and had hot fudge sundaes at the House Cabin . We turned on 20 / 20 , because between Dateline and 20 / 20 , that is my Saturday night . We both fell asleep , with the back door open , so we woke up covered in mosquito bites . Poor J swells up so bad every time he gets a mosquito bite , so his whole leg was swollen . Probably not a good thing . We woke up Sunday and hit the road so we could be back in time for family dinner at the Lawrence 's to celebrate Patty and Miss Olivia 's birthdays . There is construction happening on the way home , and at one point it goes down to one lane . This Sunday was an extra long drive home because a semi broke down during the one lane only section , and we all sat there for an hour while we waited for it to be towed away . We were at a dead stop , and people were turning around , going the wrong way down the emergency lane , and off the most recent freeway entrance . It was insane . The two cars in front of us were two women who had just finished riding their bikes for 60 miles and were headed to get lunch when they got stuck . We always have snacks so I offered some goldfish and teddy grahams to them . Ha . Working for a global company when it comes to state holidays can result in no fun . Especially when your husband works for a family business that is closed , for once . Trucking companies don 't exactly shut down because the Pioneers settled in Utah , which means I get to work on the 24th while John got to play . As much as I didn 't like it , it was fine . Per tradition , we went to dinner at Dustin and Tacey 's and set off fireworks in their cul - de - sac . I took the next day off , because I always hate stressing about going to work after a holiday , especially one where you stay up for fireworks . A very low key night , but it was nice to spend it with the whole family . Okay , so I 'm way far behind , but I am still going to blog about it ! SG has been married for over a month now , and even though I intended to blog about her shower before the wedding , it didn 't happen . Kati , our mom , and myself hosted a shower for the family at Kati 's condo complex . We love American Towers , but , we don 't love that they wouldn 't give back all of her deposit because we didn 't mop the floor . Boo . Anyway , we had the shower a couple weeks before the wedding , and boy was it a crazy day . I had been sick , trying to help my mom get things ready ; food , decorations , etc . Then Samantha and Rosie come into the shower without their mom , and we all find out that Morgs was hit by a car that very same morning ! Seriously one of the worst things that can happen to someone while out running . She 's mostly okay , but is in the hospital with a broken foot and will be having surgery . So she missed out on the shower , and we missed her , but we did have fun . My mom secretly called Derek and quizzed him and we made Samantha answer the questions . It was actually way fun because she had no idea that they had spoken . We ate , and opened gifts of course . Grandma insisted that Samantha put all the bows on her head so that " he could kiss them off " . She was obviously very oblivious to the fact that he lives in a different state . SG was a good sport though , and played along . Too bad the only picture I have of them together , Norma 's eyes are closed . Oops . Not quite everyone that was there , but a good chunk of us . And then , of course , we have the actual wedding day ! J and I were invited to the ceremony , which is my favorite part of any wedding , because it 's honestly the only thing that matters . It 's always so exciting to see how happy the bride and groom are to be getting married , especially when they know they will be with each other forever . I just love it . John and I both took the day off , which was so nice , because after the temple we just got to hang out together . Went and got lunch , went and did some different errands , took a nap . It was the best Wednesday ever . Their reception was at the Salt Lake Country Club , and originally was supposed to be all outside , but it was a little too cold , so most of it ended up being inside . Which was still totally beautiful . The Country Club always has beautiful weddings , and this was no exception . Jackson fell in love with Samantha that night . He kept saying to his Mom , " She is so pretty . Why is she so pretty ? " and he just wanted to give her hugs . It was so cute , and even a week later when I saw him , he was still talking about Samantha . Twitterpated 5 year old . Once the dancing started , the party really started . They decided to split the crowd into two lines , and it started with Dave wheeling Morgan down the middle , so that she could be a part of the festivities . Then Norma wanted to join in , so Dave went back to the beginning of the line and took Norma down the middle . She was loving life . I honestly haven 't seen her move like that in years , and she was just a dancing queen ! There are numerous videos among our family members of her dancing , and they are all hilarious . Kati and I were both dying . Mom made Grandpa join in on the fun . He wasn 't nearly as thrilled with the idea as Grandma was , but he still did it . Walker and all . Such a fun and beautiful night for a great couple ! Though we really don 't know Derek ( SG has hidden him from the extended family ) , I can still tell that he is an amazing person and that he makes her so happy . Which is good , when you live in a different state from everyone else . ; ) On the 1st of June , John and I went out to the South Valley Regional Airport with most of his family to see the Memphis Belle . The plane , that was used in the moving Memphis Belle , not the actual plane was in town just for the weekend , and being a huge part of history , we all figured it would be a kind of cool to go out and see it . We definitely weren 't disappointed . I was a little hesitant to go at first , because I didn 't think I would enjoy it , but I am so glad I went because it was worth it . For $ 450 dollars you could take a half hour ride in the plane , around the valley . We all told Mike that they next time it comes into town , he better be prepared to pay for all of us to go . ; ) They were behind on the flights because they had to postpone some from Saturday due to wind , so we ended up hanging out for a couple hours waiting for the flights to end before we could go up to the plane , and through the plane . Miss Olivia is fascinated by everything , and wanted to take pictures of the " plane that goes up in the sky " , so I let her hold it ( while I kept a hold of the strap ) and we showed her where you could see through the camera , and where you can click to take a picture . I 'm not sure the latter was a smart idea , seeing as I had over 100 blurry pictures of her feet . But she was so cute with it . On the last flight that they did , there was a man who served in the military during WWII , and completed all 25 of his flights / missions . It was kind of amazing to see him come off the plane after he had taken a ride . He has to be at least in his 90s , and he was just the cutest ever . Everyone stood up and applauded him as he got off the plane . I teared up . It was just so great . After that last flight had landed , they started lining up people to walk through the plane , and gave everyone permission to pass the yellow tape , and we were all free to walk around the plane , take pictures , look at everything . We thought that the line to go through the plan would move more quickly than it did , so no one stood in line at the beginning . We were there for probably another hour or two before we got in the plane . I think we stood in line for 40 minutes , because after realizing that the line wasn 't getting any smaller , John figured someone should go stand in it . I took more pictures than probably necessary , but it was just so cool , I wanted to see every part of it ! John with his Dad and brothers Dustin and Matt We finally were able to get up into the plane . It is WAY smaller than you would think . But when you think about how the guys in these planes were 18 and 19 years old , and the average height was like 5 ' 6 , then it makes sense why it is so small , and why they needed smaller guys to do this job . We sat and took pictures in the very front , I want to say it 's a lead gunner seat , but I could totally be making that up . After we got out of that part of the plane , to head back , the guy directing traffic asked us to put up the net , because people weren 't supposed to go in there ! Whoops ! So , I 'm glad we went in when we did , because we got to go in there ! You can see in some of the pictures how small it really was in there . There was one part where you had to turn sideways and shimmy your body through . Poor Millys is pregnant . She said she could definitely feel the tightness on both sides of her body . This little guy graced us with his presence on the 9th of April . Well , graced Arizona with his presence . He is number four for my sister . The parentals , Kate , Riley , and I all headed down the first week of May for his blessing , and also for Noelle 's baptism ! It was the first time , probably since I got married , that the five of us were together for an extended period of time without John and Tom . And just like old times , the three of us shared the backseat . We flew out of Ogden , because we chose to fly Allegiant - much cheaper than any other airline . So we drove to Ogden and just left our car parked there . Smallest airport I 've ever been in . Even smaller than the Long Beach airport , which I have always thought to be extremely small . Nope , Ogden wins . We flew out Friday night , missing as little work as possible . We got there and we were starving . We had planned on eating before we went to the airport , but then we were worried about getting there on time , and so we figured we 'd just eat airport food . Except , there is no airport food . Just a vending machine . So after getting the rental car , we immediately started searching for food . We 're driving around , naming all these places that we see ( Kneaders , Texas Roadhouse , Cafe Rio , Chick - Fil - A , etc . ) and all of a sudden my mom goes , " There 's a Wendy 's " The car got silent and I said , " Ma , you think out of all the places we just named , we 're going to choose Wendy 's ? " Laughter ensued . While we were driving around , I was trying to take selfies in the back seat to show the fact that my window was rolled down , on the freeway , and there was nothing I could do about it . Dad had all the windows locked , the whole trip , so he was the only one who could decide whether they should be down or up . In my attempts to take a " normal " selfie , I ended up taking the ugliest picture of myself I have ever seen . No lie . I 'm not going to put it anywhere on the internet because it will haunt me for the rest of my life . But seriously , you can ask my siblings . Kati was dying of laughter , and randomly throughout the weekend would just start laughing because she was thinking about the picture . It was so bad . We ended up eating at Cafe Rio . Who knew that it had only been open for a week and everyone and their dog wanted to eat there ? Sheesh . It was craaazy , and it was like 9 : 30 PM . After we ate we went to the hotel , got everything settled it . Figured out where the five of us were going to sleep . Broozer took one for the team and ended up sleeping on the floor . There was no room to bring in a cot . Saturday was the baptism and blessing . I was awake at 6 : 00 . Everyone was actually , except Riley . That kid could sleep for days . I packed gym clothes because I had this bright idea that I was going to work out while I was there , just in the hotel 's gym . Well , being with Kati , she held me to it , and we were working out by 6 : 30 Saturday morning . I did my cardio , and then she was like , okay , now we 're going to do THIS ! She gave me exercises to do , showed me how to do them , and then took a video of me doing them and posted it online . Okay , she only took a video of me doing burpees , but seriously , I had never done a burpee in my life , I wasn 't sure I wanted that for everyone to see . She didn 't care . After our workout , we went and got showered , and ready to head over the church . Rebekah had also traveled to AZ for the occasion , along with her mom and step dad , and Boo 's parents , so there were quite a few people there from Utah . We all met by the font , like always ; Boo 's Mom gave a talk about baptism , and then my dad gave a talk about the Holy Ghost . It was all very nice . After everything was done with the baptism and confirmation , Boo blessed the baby . This was the most tender moment of the day . Rach was crying during the blessing , so Noelle leaned over and was rubbing her back , and just kept getting closer to Rach . It was seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen , I had to get a picture , even though it was in the middle of the blessing . I love this picture of their family , because I think it is explains them so well . Especially love Sis ' hand . She has the funniest personality , and wouldn 't be serious while they were taking picturThe five of us haven 't had a picture together that is decent in years , so , we all were pretty happy when we got one that turned out so well ! Too bad we 're missing people , huh ? I guess family pictures are in order ! Even though they are nearly impossible with so many people in your family . After the lunch , we went and changed our clothes , and headed to Chandler to their outlet mall . Loved every second of that ! I spent more money than I should have , definitely . We walked into the Coach store and they were offering an additional 50 % off to all of their items , so Kate and Mom went crazy . Nothing really caught my eye , so I just helped them . Mom has been looking at the same red bag from Coach for probably a year , and so she finally got that , thanks to a little push from Dad . Happy Mother 's Day ! At one point Kate had three or four different bags in her hands , and couldn 't decide which one she wanted . Mom offered to buy one for her birthday so that she could have two , but she just went with the one . I walked into Michael Kors , but their " sale " prices are still way too expensive , so I just looked . BUT . There was a Kate Spade store and I could have gotten in so much trouble in there . My Mom walked in with me , and had to leave because she was going to buy another purse , and had to stop herself . They had cute clothes in there , and earrings , bags , wallets , everything ! Except shoes . But that is probably a good thing . I ended up leaving with a new purse , that is a bright blue color . I love it . And it was super on sale , so I 'm totally fine with it ! Saturday night we went and ate at a place called Logan 's Roadhosue . Essentially a Texas Roadhouse , minus the delicious cinnamon butter and rolls . It was actually really good food ! Kate left really early Sunday morning , so for Sunday and Monday it was just me Rye , and the parentals . Sunday we went over to the new Gilbert temple . Maybe it 's because I haven 't been to very many temples , or maybe it is kind of different , but their grounds are closed whenever the temple is closed . Can 't walk around it within the fence . And it 's not open on Mondays , so we had to settle with looking at through the fence . Which was totally fine . It was still gorgeous . We wanted to do a session , but , closed on Mondays , and we left Monday afternoon ! Too bad . Guess we 'll have to go back . I sent this picture to John to show him how amazing this temple is . He wrote me back and told that it looked fake . Ha ! It kind of does . It 's just so perfectly put together with the palm trees and the water . All framing the Angel Moroni . So awesome ! After the temple we went to Walmart to get a new suitcase because we bought so much stuff , we had to have somewhere to stuff it . That morning we had breakfast at the hotel and Mom ate pork sausage that she thought was turkey sausage . She has been watching what she eats , and apparently eating the pork sausage did not sit well with her . Poor thing ended up getting sick at the Walmart and running outside only to throw up in the flower bed . On Mother 's Day . She felt better after ralphing , but still . No matter how many times you go to a grocery store outside of Utah , you still get caught off guard when you see all the hard liquor that they have for sale . Just out in the open . Riley was really worried that I put this picture on Instagram , which I didn 't , but now it 's on the blog , so I hope he doesn 't mind . For the record , he didn 't buy either of those . It was just a picture to show how big they both were . We probably looked like fools , but , we are . We spent a couple hours at Rach 's house Sunday afternoon , hanging out with everyone . Played Wii bowling , Nicholas had Dad outside playing with his airplane , Mom and Rach just chatted . Monday was pretty low key . By the time we had breakfast , it was already like 85 degrees outside , so I decided I would go to the pool . I was reading The Giver and it was a great place to finish the book . Mom joined me . It was so nice just to sit in the sun . The afternoon rolled around , so we made our way to the airport . This time we learned our lesson , and ate before we got the airport . It made things much smoother . We ended up running into Rach at the airport dropping off her in - laws , so that was nice to say one final goodbye . It was a great trip , but there is nothing better than your husband holding you , so I was really excited to see my J . |
( The following is a VERY detailed account of my relationship with my ex - boyfriend . I started this post attempting to talk about how I ended up living here in Delaware , and explaining what happened up to this point . I decided that the best place to start was with my breakup a couple of years ago , but that accidentally turned into a flashback and , well , I basically went through the entire thing . If you 'd like to read a very personal account of my experience trying to make a monogamous relationship work while dealing with anxiety , panic attacks , obsessive compulsive disorder , and a discussion of emotional and physical abuse in relationships , plus some explorations of family and death , feel free to read . I wrote this to help myself , to reflect on the past , and to help myself move forward toward the future . If you want to know more , you 're welcome to read . ) We met under weird circumstances : I had moved to Georgia with my family , and he was going to college an hour away from where I lived . We met online and I went to see him in the middle of the night , where we made out and had sex until the sun rose , at which point we sleepily headed over to his college 's music building where I got to play several pianos and a harpsichord . I spent a couple of days with him and started to feel immediately overwhelmed . I have this problem with getting into relationships . Most people have a " honeymoon " phase at the beginning of their relationships , and I 've experienced that , but the beginning of a relationship is always an incredibly stressful time . I experience something akin to deep grief , or loss . Connecting with a new person makes me feel incredibly vulnerable , but it also makes me feel that the foundation of my life has been pulled out from under me , and I 'm caught in a rushing torrent with no one to hold on to but this new person , who I 'm enamored with but who I have no trust built up with . I always experience panic attacks , intense anxiety , dread , fear , and often get emotional and start crying a lot . This is a problem that I didn 't really start to notice until after the relationship started . It 's a pattern that 's followed me through almost every romantic relationship I 've ever had . The beginning of a relationship is fraught with panic and anxiety equal to or greater than the excitement and joy of being with a new person . This time was no different . By the way , about this person 's name . He is my ex - boyfriend , and we 're still friends today , but truthfully the details of our relationship would be painful for either of us to reflect on in their entirety . For the purposes of not dragging him through the mud ( I want to tell the truth but the truth doesn 't reflect well on either of us ) , I 'm going to give him the pseudonym Guy . Because he 's a guy . I 've said his name before , but for the purposes of this story , his name is Guy . Guy and I spent the weekend playing video games ( I was immediately attracted to the fact that he loved Sonic the Hedgehog and had a collection of just about every game ) , did a lot of fooling around and kissing , watching movies , and of course , more sex . Because that 's what you do in the beginning . But I kept feeling overwhelmed by this unbearable dread . A few things started happening all at once : First , my OCD kicked into high gear . And I mean ACTUAL Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , the kind you can be diagnosed with ( and I was , as a child ) , the kind where you have to blink your eyes an odd interval of times or else you 'll be overcome by panic . Whenever I get into a new relationship , I suddenly have this urge to be COMPLETELY honest with the new person I 'm dating . And I mean entirely . Brutally , painfully honest . Like , it 's hurtful , for both of us . If I feel that I 'm not entirely physically attracted to the new guy , I 'll feel the need to tell him , or else I 'll feel that I 'm hiding it from him . Consequently , I start blurting out a lot of confused feelings all at once . " I 'm not sure I 'm entirely attracted to you , I mean I am , but like , just not sure how much . But it doesn 't change anything . I just wanted to be honest . But I don 't want to hurt your feelings . Oh god now I 've hurt your feelings . I 'm sorry I shouldn 't have said anything . It 's just that I 'm not sure how attracted to you I am , I mean I am in some ways but not in others , but it doesn 't mean , well , what I 'm saying is … " You can see how embarrassing and uncomfortable this is for both of us . Well , it was like that EVERY day , multiple times a day . And frankly , if I were him I 'd have dumped me right there because that much emotional need is too much for anyone to handle . I am not going into this story under any illusions that I was a blameless angel . But the thing is , it wasn 't like I was TRYING to be hurtful toward him . It 's just that my fun array of mental disorders all started coming out all at once , and I was unable to keep any of them in check , so I was word - vomiting my every feeling , no matter how good or bad , and I was caught in a continual state of confusion . And that 's the second thing : the confusion . Getting into a new relationship is an incredibly upsetting experience for me , because I have problems with commitment . And I don 't mean like in television when you hear a woman say that a guy " has commitment issues , " and just wants to be single , I mean that I literally cannot exist happily in a monogamous relationship . Again , this is something I did not know about myself at the time , and I had to learn the hard way . The absolute pressure of agreeing to be someone 's boyfriend is unbearable for me , the seriousness and weight of the decision is equivalent to agreeing to marry someone . Imagine agreeing to marry someone a day after you first met them . Think of how pressured and afraid and in way over your head you would feel . Alright , now multiply that by a few degrees , and you 'll have an idea of how I was feeling . I knew he wanted to be my boyfriend . I knew I was considering being his boyfriend . But the confusion kept bouncing around inside my head , each question tinged with red hot panic welling up inside my chest and burning my neck : " Am I ready to be his boyfriend ? If we 're boyfriends that means I can 't see anyone else . What if I don 't love him ? It 's too early to know if I love him , but what if I don 't FALL in love with him ? How will I get out of this ? I 'll have to break his heart . I don 't want to break his heart . I should just do it and see what happens . But I 'm not ready to do it and see what happens . But am I leading him on ? What happens if I say no ? Will I regret it ? Should I just run away and cut off all contact ? Let 's just try and enjoy this moment . But I can 't , the more I enjoy it the more pressure I feel . I wish I 'd never come here , this is too much pressure . Why can 't I just be happy ? " All he wanted to do was give me a chance and try dating me . And for me , that was the equivalent of him asking me to marry him and move to another country tomorrow . It isn 't his fault that it happened , and that he had to deal with what frankly was probably emotional abuse from me , because of my anxiety . And it isn 't my fault either , I tried everything that I could to stop the raging tumult of emotions , but they just wouldn 't stop , and the only thing that helped was to talk about it out loud . I 'm going to digress from the story about Guy for a moment to explain why I was acting this way . A big part of why this was happening was that I 'd recently had a succession of very quick , failed relationships . I met a guy who seemed pretty cool , then immediately lost interest when I saw what he looked like . I felt terrible about myself for this : how could I be so shallow ? He was a nice person , we had a lot in common , and I was gonna bail on him because I didn 't think he was very good - looking ? I decided I was being ridiculous and went out on a date with him anyway , which ended in us more or less having sex . Afterward I felt even WORSE . Now I had an emotional attachment to him but I STILL didn 't think he was attractive and it was a HUGE problem for me . What did I do now ? I went back and forth , from hour to hour , from minute to minute . The intense emotional anxiety of that time is , to this day , the worst stress I 've ever experienced in my life . It last about three weeks , and for those three weeks I could not sleep , I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit , I was assailed at all times by relentless panic . Ultimately I ended this brief almost - relationship and collapsed into a mess of emotions right in front of him , putting this poor guy in the awkward situation of comforting ME for breaking up with HIM , for the express reason that I just found him too unattractive . What a horrible thing I did to this guy . And I 'm not here to make excuses for it , I probably scarred that guy in a way that can 't ever really be healed , but I didn 't mean to do it , it was a product of my anxiety , and my deep inability to connect with or trust other people . After that incident there was another guy , who by the way was a good deal more attractive , and believe me I felt like a pig for even bothering to make a judgement on it , but even though we seemed to get along well I just couldn 't bring myself to agree to be his boyfriend , despite spending a lot of time together and having sex and generally doing things that couples do in the early stages . Finally I just couldn 't do it and had to call it off with him , and I found myself getting dressed for work while crying hysterically , and going in to work holding back tears all day . It was unbearable . And I just thought , " Is this what every relationship is going to be like for the rest of my life ? Do I demand perfection from everyone ? Am I even CAPABLE of feeling love ? " At first , I just told him flat out we couldn 't be boyfriends , I just couldn 't do it . He was very understanding . He did something very sweet . He said , " How about for this weekend , and just for this weekend , we be boyfriends ? Just for two days . And there 's no pressure , and we can just have fun and enjoy ourselves , and when you leave you don 't ever have to talk to me again if you don 't want to . " I did it . We spent the weekend together . We went out to dinner . I cried a lot . I cried because I was so sorry for doing this to him . He held me . He told me it was okay . He kissed me and promised me I didn 't have to worry . He said all he cared about was that I was happy . When it was time to leave , I told him I just wasn 't going to call him again . In order for me to get back to normal I had to completely cut off contact from him . He said he understood . I made it home , relieved . Now that I was relieved from the pressure I had a chance to reflect , and I kept thinking to myself " Look at all that this guy did for me . He could have been a great potential boyfriend . Hell , with patience like , he might be husband material some day . And I 'm just going to throw him away ? " I found myself sitting in my truck , and I knew I 'd made a terrible mistake . I cried . I cried a lot . Finally I called him and told him I was sorry , that I didn 't want to cut him out . He understandably didn 't know where this put us as far as the friend / boyfriend barrier was concerned , but he assured me all he wanted was for me to be happy , even if that meant it wasn 't with him . I kept apologizing to him for how fucked up I was , how I was so unable to love or care about someone without all this emotional weight pressing down on me . He told me he didn 't mind . I kept saying I was sorry for being crazy . He would smile and say he liked me just how I was , even if I was crazy . Things went back and forth some more . I would hint at being his boyfriend , then take it back . I went to visit him again , but there was no conclusion reached about where we stood . Although that didn 't stop us from having sex . After a couple of weeks we were meeting for what was probably the third time and he finally just put it to me straight : I want you to be my boyfriend . I didn 't know what to do . I told him about my doubts and my confusion , my inability to overcome the intense anxiety attached to being in a relationship . He told me he didn 't care , and that he just wanted me to give him a chance . He said that if it didn 't work out , it didn 't work out , but I owed it to myself to at least try . If either of us had been older and more mature we may have realized some things . Firstly , he might have realized that I was an emotionally dependent basket case , and that no matter how much he tried he was never going to fix me . I don 't think he WANTED to fix me , but my behavior toward him was emotional abuse , I was playing with his feelings even if I didn 't mean to . I was battling my own demons , but he was caught in the crossfire . However , I don 't think his desire to be with me anyway came from being young and naive , I think it came from the fact that he 's just a caring person who wanted to love me despite my flaws . He didn 't care that I was impossible to please , he just wanted to give it a chance with me . Now , if I had been older and more mature I would have realized that giving the relationship a try might have been possible without the anxiety if only we agreed that it wasn 't monogamous , because I simply cannot cope with that relationship structure , or handle the rigorous pressure I feel when in a monogamous relationship . I might also have been better at containing my emotions and not word - vomiting all my feelings , both positive and negative , all over him . I might also have been wise enough to realize that I just WASN ' T READY for a serious relationship . He made the bold choice of telling me he loved me , right after I agreed to be his boyfriend . Tentatively , I said it back . The words had a hollow ring of dishonesty to them that didn 't sit well with me , because I didn 't think I was capable of loving him yet . But I certainly felt something , and it was strong . The next couple of months were intense . We were with another almost every day . Which is difficult to do when you live hours apart from another . Here 's how we did it : I would go to his school when I had days off from work , and when school was finished he ended up going home to his family . Because he had no obligations over the summer , I 'd bring him back to my house with me , and he would stay in my room , which was a camper in my mother 's back yard . He 'd sleep during the day when I was at work , and when I had a day off , I 'd take him the two hours to his parents house and stay with him there until it was time to go back to work , at which point he 'd come back home with me . This continued for about two months , and though there were a few times when we were apart , we ended up spending most of our time together . Finally my mother decided she was moving back to North Carolina . I had no intention of going back with her , both because living with her was miserable and because I didn 't want to leave Guy . Guy suggested that I ask his parents if I could stay with them over the summer and look for a job in his hometown , and in the meantime he would quit school and look for a job too , so we could find a place together . Here 's the funny thing : his parents MUST have known we were boyfriends . They knew he was gay , anyone can tell that I 'm gay after just talking to me for a few minutes ( one of my best friends once made the hilarious observation that " even blind and deaf people know you 're gay " ) , and we were obviously spending every waking moment together . In addition to that , I 'd be staying in his room and sleeping in his bed with him . They HAVE to have known we were dating . But they just never said anything about it . Neither did we . There was a reason for this . Guy had told me that his parents had been a little uncomfortable when he let them know he was gay ; apparently his father had accepted it pretty easily but his mother didn 't like it , and felt very uncomfortable about it . Because of this , Guy didn 't know if his parents would have a problem with a guy who he was clearly dating moving into their house , but they didn 't seem to mind . And it was never mentioned . It was quietly acknowledged without words . Guy and I spent every moment together , we just made an effort not to hold hands or do anything too affectionate in front of his parents . Guy 's sister knew we were together , and once told me " I don 't mind if someone 's gay but I don 't want to see ' em kissing on each other and stuff . " You might thing that sounds homophobic , and well , you 'd be entirely right . But this was in Georgia , and his family were from a small town in the mountains , so that 's about the closest you 're going to get to gay acceptance . She really meant no harm . People who are ignorant about their own homophobia don 't realize when they 're being homophobic , and don 't know how much their words can hurt . I did take pleasure in getting her back though : a little later on we were at her house and she had Guy in the kitchen , trimming his hair with an electric razor , and she tried to make a joke by asking him " Are your pubes all bright blonde like your head or are they dark ? " I called out from the other room , " They 're dark ! " To which he burst into laughter and she let loose a disgusted sigh . Take that . Living with Guy 's parents was , to put it mildly , an experience . Both of them were getting older , and both of them had very serious health concerns . Guy 's dad had had a stroke , and was nearly immobile , confined to his recliner most of the day , using an oxygen machine to help him breathe at night . He was a great guy , though . He loved science fiction and had a big collection of Star Wars novels , and spent a considerable amount of time watching every series of Star Trek on Netflix . Guy 's mother , who I was at first afraid of because of the fact that she hadn 't taken Guy 's coming out well , was incredibly kind to me . I once took the initiative of giving her a foot rub when her feet were hurting , and it quickly became my occupation , so she would every now and then call out to me from the other room to come and rub her feet . His parents shared everything with me , I was allowed to have any food in the house that Guy could have , and even though the sodas hidden in the kitchen cabinet were theirs , they shared them with me often , or didn 't chastise me when I snuck in at night and grabbed some . One night I was washing the dishes and Guy 's mother came up to me and hugged me , and thanked me for doing the dishes and for being so helpful . I was a little surprised , and told her I was happy to help . She looked at me and smiled , and she said , " You know , you 're my son too . " I was their son , too . And they didn 't just say it , they treated me exactly the same as Guy . I was given the same amount of privilege and responsibility . And not ONCE did they ask me for rent . And they had every reason to , not the least of which being that I lived there for nearly six months and never paid a dime . Why didn 't I pay anything ? Well , the short answer is that Guy and I couldn 't find jobs . The more honest answer is that we didn 't really want to . We slept every day until late in the afternoon , and put in job applications online only sparingly . We went job hunting every now and then but truthfully we didn 't put much effort into it , and a consequence we remained unemployed . My mother would send me twenty dollars or so every now and then and we would use the money to go Taco Bell late at night . Taco Bell was great because we were poor . Guy 's parents got disability checks once a month , but most of it had to be used to pay bills on the house , which was actually a small trailer that was falling apart at the seems . The electricity cut out if too many things were plugged in at once , there were mountains of garbage behind the house , stinking and covered with maggots , because Guy 's parents simply couldn 't hall it all off to the dump and there was no one to do it for them . So Guy and I began to slowly , over the course of several months , chip away at the piles of garbage by loading them into my truck bed and taking them to the dump . It wasn 't just bags of garbage but old furniture , big bulky stuff that was difficult to get rid of . The grass was entirely overgrown because it hadn 't been moved in a very long time . We helped out with that , borrowing a lawn mower from Guy 's brother and trying to get the grass cut down to size . There were several cats in the house . One of them was very old , one of them was just fine although he was incredibly fat , and one of them was sick . The sick one died . Guy 's parents noticed it had crawled behind one of the living room recliners and just died there . They asked us to clean it up . I didn 't want to touch anything dead , but there was no one else to do the job apart from Guy and myself , so I started digging the hole . I lost my cool in the yard . His parents were very difficult to live with , asking us to do all the cleaning , to take care of everything that had to be done , often making Guy cook us dinner with what small amount of food we had , and when they did get their disability checks they refused to buy groceries , instead sending us out to pick up pizza for a week at a time until they were completely broke and we had to borrow money for bread and peanut butter until the next month . Looking back on it , I can see that I was being ungrateful , because despite the fact that we were poor and had very little food , they still hadn 't asked me for a penny , not even SUGGESTED it . And I actually HAD found a job , at Sears , and quit on the second day because I hated it . And they had said it was alright , and hadn 't asked me for any money at all . In retrospect I wasn 't really mad at Guy 's parents , although their stubbornness at NEVER grocery shopping and wasting all of their money on fast food and cigarettes had a negative impact on all of us . But really , I was mad at the situation . I didn 't have any anxiety medication ( I 'd started a year before but had to quit when I lost my insurance ) , I was having panic attacks , Guy and I were beginning to fight a lot . We would sometimes get into screaming matches , and we lived in VERY close quarters . Our entire living space was his bedroom , most of which was taken up by his bed . There was nowhere to walk to and no gas to drive anywhere , so we were stuck with one another at all times . Most of the time that was alright . Other times it was incredibly difficult . Both of us were losing weight from how little we had to eat , and I became very aware of the fact that I was in a hopeless situation . It was doubtful that I would find a job close enough to justify the gas money needed to drive there , much less hold down a job because of my anxiety . Guy and I had a lot in common , but something felt off about our relationship . Still , something ALWAYS felt off when I was in any relationship so I just started to accept that that was an inevitable feeling for me . One thing I do miss is having sex with him . Even now , I still miss it . As we grew closer , I started to find him really attractive , as opposed to in the beginning when I kept honing in on any imperfection about him . I started to really love his body , his lips , the way he kissed , how warm he was at night when it was cold . I really loved being close to him , I loved trying things out with him ( in the beginning of our relationship he 'd been the bottom and I 'd been the top , he became convinced that he was a top now but we could never really make that work ) . I watched a lot of porn and don 't get me wrong , I was still craving sex with someone new , like I always do when I 'm in an agreement to only have sex with one person , but I began to feel really attracted to him , and the more that happened , the less I worried . Knowing that I found him sexy meant that one of the fundamental reasons a past relationship had failed and this relationship had started rocky was now overcome . I made a point of telling him often how beautiful I thought he was , in an effort to make up for how I 'd hurt him in the beginning by telling him that I thought he was unattractive . That 's something that still bothers me to this day . I know that the reason I did was because I was having an anxiety attack and my OCD made me blurt out every thought , but I see now how much I must have hurt him , made him feel unattractive , and inflicted an emotional wound on him . If you 're reading this , Guy , I 'm sorry . I really am . I didn 't know what I was doing . Eventually , something had to change . My mother was asking me to come live with her in South Carolina , but I refused to come unless Guy could come with me . For religiously bigoted reasons , she didn 't want a gay couple in her house . She thought that not only was it " inappropriate " and " sinful " for us to live together , much less sleep in the same room , but that it would have a negative impact on my little sister , who was about eight at the time . Basically what she was implying was that having us around might turn my little sister gay , or at the very least , instill in her the distasteful idea that gay people were allowed to be together , live together , and that gay love was alright . You can perhaps see why I had no desire of ever returning to my mother 's house . No really , the hunger was driving me crazy . I would get incredibly angry very easily , because I just didn 't have food . For weeks at a time , the only food we had would be bread and peanut butter , and when that ran out , cans of green beans or some frozen chicken that had to be thawed , cooked without any seasoning , and eaten as it was . Sometimes there was ramen . I hate ramen , by the way . I was just so freaking hungry , and whenever I had two dollars to rub together I 'd go immediately to Taco Bell , but then of course there 's the fact that Guy and I were together at all times , so if one of us was eating , so was the other . This was fine except it meant that in addition to being so poor we hardly had any money to eat , we had to have double the money needed just to go through a drive through and get something . And we couldn 't get something like pizza , because that was too difficult to hide from his parents , who would have undoubtedly asked for food as well if they knew we were going to get it , which is why we usually went to Taco Bell at three in the morning and hid the bags in our trash can . I was too hasty in my desire to leave . I wanted to go home , I wanted to be near places I recognized , I wanted to have my own family to rely on the way Guy had his , and I wanted to have a chance to get a job and start really working on getting a place with Guy . His parents were sad , but truthfully they were being evicted and had to move out anyway , and they were going to be moving in with Guy 's sister , who had no room for us . We had to leave , one way or another . On the last day , after we 'd packed up the truck , Guy 's mom hugged us both , and told Guy that he could come back any time he needed to . Tentatively I asked , " What about me ? If things don 't work out , can I come back , too ? " She seemed genuinely shocked that I would ask . " Of course ! " she said . I 'm going to skip ahead a little to tell you that Guy 's mom died a year later . We were living with a roommate by then , and had driven down to Georgia to see her in the hospital . When she 'd woken up briefly to talk to everyone , she asked , " Where are [ Guy ] and Jesse ? " She asked for her son , and asked for me too , even though she 'd only known me for a year or so , but she considered Guy and I a unit . She knew where one of us was , the other was nearby . She had never actually acknowledged , at least in front of us , that we were a couple , but for all I know she may have just felt awkward about it , and thought we didn 't want to talk about it in front of them as much as they didn 't want to talk about it in front of us . But this woman was on her deathbed , and she thought to ask where I , of all people , was . Guy was there , I wasn 't at the hospital at that time , so the second time she woke up , I was there in the room , and she smiled at me and did something that I still find really incredible . Y ' all is of course the southern way of saying " the two of you , " but it was really important that she addressed us together . She was dying , she had to know she was dying , and this was literally the last time she ever spoke to her children . And she didn 't tell Guy , " I love you , " she told Guy and his boyfriend , " I love y ' all . " " You 've been better to me in a short time than my own mother ever has . You 've treated me with love , no matter what , and taken care of me when you didn 't have to . You gave me a home when I needed one , and you told me I was your son , too . Well , you 're my mother , too . In a year you 've shown me more love and kindness than my own mother ever has . " We had already made the journey back home when Guy got the call that she 'd passed away . We went back to Georgia for her funeral . I was mostly silent , I didn 't know what to say . I did walk out of her funeral service , though , because the preacher was some insane fire - and - brimstone preacher who took this opportunity of a woman 's DEATH to start preaching about Jesus and telling everyone in the room that they 'd go to hell if they didn 't believe . He was turning purple and stomping his feet so hard that her coffin ACTUALLY started to shake . I could take it no more and went outside . His family wasn 't mad at me , Guy 's sister laughed and said that I just wasn 't used to " that kind of preaching . " Sadly , I HAD seen that kind of preaching before , and it sickened me , but it sickened me even more so that this awful man used a woman 's death to take advantage of her grieving family to push his idea of salvation on them . But that 's another topic for another day . Guy gathered some things from his childhood possessions . One of them was an assignment he 'd done in Kindergarten , where the students had to fill in the blanks talking about their mother . " My mother is as pretty as ______,” " I love my mom like I love _____,” " My mom 's favorite food is _____ . " For the record , is answer to the first one was " My mother is as pretty as a bird , " which is about the most fucking adorable thing I 've ever heard . He put it into her casket and she was buried with it . When we got home , there was a photograph of Guy 's mom , it was not an incredibly flattering picture , just her standing in the kitchen with her mouth open , looking surprised to have had her picture taken . But he framed it and put it on the wall . I still have it . It 's sitting on my desk . It travels around my room to different perches . It 's not that I had an incredibly emotional attachment to Guy 's mother , it 's not that her death caused me profound sadness . And I don 't say that to be insensitive , it 's just that I am terrified of death so I purposely maintain an emotional wall between myself and everyone save a few select people . Guy is one of the people whose death would devastate me , and whose death I continue to fear . Maybe one day I 'll overcome my fear of death , but regardless , I felt a little odd keeping Guy 's moms picture . I didn 't know if he 'd left it behind when we broke up on purpose , or just forgotten it amidst all the other stuff in our room . But I kept it , and though it sometimes hides in a dresser drawer ( for some reason I would feel weird keeping it on the wall ) , it 's always in my possession . Guy 's mother treated me not only better than she could have , but probably better than I had a right to be treated . She deserved rent from me , she deserved more from me than I probably gave , but I was afraid and hungry and anxious , and I did what I could , and so did she . She never judged me , she never turned me away , and treated me as her son until the day she died . Her acts of kindness are important . They showed me that the kind of parenting my mother gave me was not love , it was dysfunctional emotional abuse . Guy 's mom loved me unconditionally and she had no reason to at all , apart from the fact that she just wanted to . She made me a part of her family . I was her son , too . Guy and I lived with my mother for a few months , it was predictably pretty awful . Our emotions got really turbulent and ultimately it led to a physical altercation between us . There was a day when I was pissed off about something , storming around in a huff , and I grabbed my keys because I was going to go for a drive to calm down . Guy didn 't want me driving while I was upset , he would be too worried that I was going to get into a wreck . His intention was good , but he made the unfortunate choice of snatching my keys out of my hand , which led to me trying to grab them back , which led to us scuffling toward the living room recliner , where she shoved me down and held my arms down . His intention was to hold me still so I would listen to him , but as you can imagine it didn 't work , and my immediate reaction was to go on the defense . He shoved me down into the chair and my reaction was that I shot out my hand and slapped him across the face . He responded by throwing a hand back out and hitting me on the head , then started screaming at the top of his lungs . I had thrown the first punch , let it be known . This was not an abuser - victim one - sided altercation . We had both hurt one another . But I was the one who broke first . I started crying , and then I started screaming . Really , really screaming . Guy picked me up and carried me into our room , where I collapsed onto the floor in a sobbing heap , still screaming . I didn 't speak , I just cried , and screamed , very loudly . No one else was home . He sat next to me . " I 'm so sorry , I 'm so sorry , " he said over and over again , he chided himself and said how terrible of a boyfriend he was , he said he was sorry over and over again , he held me as I screamed . After about half an hour of relentless crying I started to breathe . I opened my mouth to speak and I could not form words . To this day I don 't know if I was being dramatic , or if I actually went temporarily mute . I would make a gurgling nose and then close my mouth . I couldn 't speak . When I could talk , I said that I didn 't know what this meant , or what to do from hear . I called my friend Thomas , I told him that this clearly was a sign that we weren 't working and it needed to end . But I decided to sit down and talk to Guy . I told him that what happened was indicative of a larger problem , and it showed that we just weren 't going to work together , no matter how hard we tried . He believed we could move on past it , and promised he 'd never put his hands on me again . I was making him out to be the bad guy , I admit , I wouldn 't really acknowledge my part in the physical fight . I made it sound like he had hit me , when in truth we 'd hit one another . But being the victim was the only thing that made sense to me at the moment , it was the only way I knew how to cope with what was happening . Things were never really the same . For weeks , I would remember the incident when I was at work and fight back tears . I was so angry at myself . How could I have hit him ? How could I have possibly hurt him ? I hated myself for what happened . I hated myself for hurting Guy . Things got worse . We did find a place to live , away from my mother , living with a roommate . We were both working and bringing in enough money to live on . We had video games and we could go places for fun , and we had a little life together . But the arguments got worse . We were growing apart . He didn 't want to have sex nearly as much as I did , he told me he just wasn 't a very sexual person , and it was hard for him to deal with me not only wanting to have sex so much but wanting to touch him so much , to hold him and kiss him and be romantic with him . It was hard for him , he felt a little smothered , and weirdly so did I . But I felt smothered by RESPONSIBILITY , not by his actions . It was so hard to be with him when I wanted so badly to pursue other relationships with available gay guys I had met . I didn 't want to dump Guy , but I just wanted to at least have sex with someone new . It was a natural urge that I had no way of fighting , and truthfully I didn 't want to fight it anymore . I started spending a lot of time watching porn , which by the way I believe is a completely healthy way of exercising your sexual desires . There were more physical fights . Almost every time , he and I would get mad , and I would try and goad him into hitting me , so that I could play the victim . I 'd get in his face and say " Hit me then , like a big man . Push me around , hit me . " Sometimes he 'd shove me . At the time I thought I was standing up for myself . In truth I was trying to start a fight so I 'd have an excuse to say he hit me . We got into a physical fight when he was on the way to work one morning , with me riding in the passenger seat . I finally got fed up with him when he was screaming at me and slapped him in the head , to which he responded by punching me straight in my chest . I sat quietly , gasping and holding my chest . He pulled into a parking spot and got out , and walked inside . I sat there , holding my chest . He 'd punched me . How could he do that to me ? It didn 't seem to matter to me at that moment that I 'd hit him first . I went home , told the story to my friends online , made myself the victim , and decided that either way it was time to end it . I don 't remember if I tried to break up with him right then , but there was another incident when he stormed outside , got in my truck , and backed out of the driveway , spinning dirt everywhere , and screaming out the window at me , cussing and calling me names . I turned around walked inside , and said " This is just too white trash for me , this is not an episode of Jerry Springer . I 'm done . " He brought me flowers when he came home . I told him it was over . He apologized . He begged . He cried . He got on his knees . I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife , acting like I was going to cut myself . He cried , I started to cry a little out of sheer frustration , he begged me to stay with him , I gave in . I just wanted all the pain to stop . A few days later we were at my mom 's house . He asked me to come outside with him and we stood in the little greenhouse where my mom kept her plants . He got on one knee and asked me to marry him . It was not a nice thing to do . But admittedly , it was a bad move on his part . Our relationship was falling apart and the only thing he could think to do was ask me to marry him , like that would fix it . I see now how hurtful it must have been to be rejected by me , but it was a very strange move by him . Still , I see why he did it . He was desperate . He wanted to fix something that couldn 't be fixed . I started talking to an old friend , and we swapped some dirty pictures back and forth . Guy and I had decided a while back that this was okay and did not constitute cheating . There had been once incident in which a friend and I had jerked off together on webcam and when I told Guy he said I 'd cheated on him . I felt terrible , but I was more than a little annoyed to learn later , after we 'd broken up , that he had ALSO jerked off on webcam with someone , and it had been THE SAME GUY . I was mad at both of them for not telling me , and at Guy for making me feel so bad when he 'd already done the same thing before I did it . So this old friend and I had been flirting online , and we 'll call him James for the sake of the story . James and I met up and he actually took me on what amounted to a date , driving me through the mountains , and we actually did walk up a mountain together and take pictures on a bridge high up in the air , and at one point during the ride I actually pulled my dick and let him touch it . When I got home I told Guy what had happened . He was mad . Looking back on it , we were both in denial . Our relationship ended right there , and we just went back to doing what we were doing . We kept on hanging out in the living room , chatting like nothing had happened . We had agreed on something between polyamory and an all - out breakup right then and there , and we just sauntered on like nothing happened . The denial didn 't last for very long . Having now gotten permission and my freedom , I slept with James pretty quickly . But Guy and I realized that this just wasn 't happening . And if we were going to break up , we had to really break up . And so we did . He made plans with his sister for her to come and pick him up , and take him back to Georgia with her . I stayed at my mom 's house for a couple of days , not wanting to be with him , because it would just be too hard . Eventually I did go home . I crawled in bed with him . Late in the middle of the night I felt something wet on the back of my neck . His arms were around me . He was crying into my hair , and he was also singing . A few days later it was time for him to leave . We kissed a lot . We held each other . We waited for his sister to show up . She arrived and I helped load his stuff into the car . She waited outside . We stood in the hallway . I kissed him again . We said goodbye . I didn 't turn around or go into my room , I grabbed my keys and my laptop and got in my truck , and went to my mother 's house , where I stayed for a few days . When I came back , it was still quiet , our roommate wasn 't home . I stood at the closed door of our bedroom . I knocked on the door , knowing he wasn 't there . I called out his name . Our stuff was strewn everywhere . We 'd made a big mess packing . He 'd left some things but mostly it was my stuff everywhere , and some of his clothes that he 'd left for me . Folded neatly on the back of a chair in our room was a tee shirt . It was a navy blue shirt for some restaurant , a shirt he 'd had for a long time . When we first met , when I 'd told him I was going to cut of all contact with him , he had given me that shirt to remember him by . I asked if I could have something that smelled like him , so he 'd worn it all day and then given it to me . Now it was laying here , folded , on the back of the chair , and he 'd worn it the day before . I picked it up and pressed it to my face . It smelled like him . I cried for two years . Sometimes it was easier , sometimes it was harder . I lay in bed at night and felt so strange to have the bed all to myself . I missed him there . I missed snuggling up to him and pressing my waist against his butt . I missed touching his hair with my fingers . I even missed him waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me to stop snoring . I still miss him . I still think that breaking up was the right thing to do . Most of the time , I 'm alright . Sometimes , I miss him . It 's not that I regret breaking up , and in fact I think that the way our relationship happened is what HAD to happen . I learned a lot about emotional abuse , as both the victim and the abuser . I learned about monogamy , I learned what my boundaries are in a relationship , I learned what I can and can 't handle , and I learned when it 's time to let go and move on . And he still misses me too . We talk , we 're friends . There was a long period of silence , but we became friends again . We 're not incredibly close friends , but he knows where he stands . Which is to say , he hasn 't stopped being important to me . During the past year when I felt suicidal , every time I imagined killing myself , I always imagined what my suicide note , or video recording , or online post , might say . Every time it included Guy . I always left him everything . I always told him I was sorry . I always told him that I loved him . Every time I 've imagined what I might do if I were in the hospital dying , I always open my mouth and ask for Guy . He rushes to my bedside and tell him I just want to kiss him again before I die . It 's morbid , but depression is morbid . Whenever I 've thought about dying , the most important things that I think about are telling Robert and Zack how much I love them , how much their love and support means to me , and to tell Guy that I love him . I don 't believe Guy was " the one , " because I don 't believe there is " the one . " Even in a polyamorous sense , I don 't believe that there are certain people you 're just destined to find . But I do believe that you find someone you care about , you connect , and you make it work . One of the most important things I learned was that I DID love Guy . I worried our whole relationship that I didn 't really love him , that I was just forcing it . And there were many things I was forcing , and I was even forcing myself to love him before it was time , but in the end I DID love him . And I still do . I 've thought about what would happen if he were to ask me to be with him again . I live in Delaware and he lives in Georgia , and we haven 't physically seen one another since that day that he left , but still , I 've thought about what I would say or do . I know instantly that getting back together is not the right thing . But then , I think to myself , what about this longing I feel for him ? What about this pull toward him , what about the fact that I still miss him , that I still love him ? 3Aug2016 Operation Organize Everything : Part 2 Posted in Journal by Jesse Colton ( Note : Some of the following journal entries have some really explicit sexual stuff in them . I didn 't want to slap a " NSFW " in the title , so I thought I 'd just include a little note / disclaimer . If you want to read some sexually explicit tales from my life , have fun ! ) I spent the evening with a boy . Wow . It was pretty unbelievable . We met online , he seemed sweet and clever and he made me laugh . When I met him , he gave me an affectionate hug . He came over to my place and brought in a six pack of beer . I had one . We talked . He seemed to be a little awkward being in new surroundings , but when I invited him to come sit on the bed with me , he came right over . He actually wanted to watch Will and Grace instead of a movie , which was awesome . We were watching an episode , chuckling , and then I turned to face him . He knew I was going in for a kiss . He kissed me . It was a deep kiss , he likes to use a lot of tongue . He likes to bite my lip . I held him close . He offered no resistance when I ran my hands along his lean body , feelings everything . He was the first one to make a sexual move , he pulled my pants off and sucked my cock . It was pretty awesome . When it was my turn , I was amazed at the size of his when it bobbed out from his underwear . I could taste his precum when I put it in my mouth . I licked his asshole . It was his first time . I fingered him , and he loved it , it was his first time for that too . As we tumbled around , kissing , feeling , sucking , touching , I asked him if he wanted me to fuck him . Through his heavy breathing he nodded and replied he did . I got him ready , I fingered him , let him get relaxed , and then I entered him . I was the first to ever be inside of him . I 've never known what that felt like . It 's not that it gave me some kind of sexual pleasure to know it , but an emotional connection to him . I whispered to him that he was safe , that I had him , that I was taking care of him . He became accustomed to the new sensation quickly . We ended up fucking in several positions . As he came closer , his moaning became beautiful whimpers of pleasure . His orgasm was beautiful , and mine followed soon after . We spent a long time each other 's arms . We held each other close . I whispered that I liked him , he said he liked me too . He told me I was cute . He didn 't say very much , but the few little compliments he paid me made me feel so happy . I held him close , his hairy , lean chest against my own , feeling his heart beating fast , kissing him , giving him soft little kisses on his cheeks and anywhere else . I laid my head in his lap , I absently played with his cock and his balls . I kissed them affectionately . I kissed him just about anywhere . We talked more . He told me about himself . I shared my stories . We finished our episode of Will and Grace and I held him close . My whole life since I started dating I 've been putting pressure on things . The first time I fell in love , I sat down and wrote my thoughts on a wordpad document , like I 'm doing right now . And things happened on their own . I did some of my usual needy things , I asked if he liked me , asked if I 'd see him again , I even asked him if he would consider us " dating , " ( meaning that we aren 't boyfriens but we 're seeing each other ) , and he pretty much agreed that we were , though he doesn 't like labels . He said he didn 't plan on seeing anybody else right now . I told him I didn 't either . I 'm tired . I 'm fulfilled . I 'm calm . I haven 't even had my medicine and I 'm calm . I 'm relaxed . I 'm sitting hear , my body spent ( we had sex a second time too , he was the one who wanted to do it , how wonderful that I 'm not the only horny one around here ) , my head swimming , my eyes heavy , feeling so relaxed . It was nice . It 's been a while since I 've written . The last couple of months in my life have been full of change . Until a few months ago , most of my energy was dedicated to overcoming my recently failed relationship , and coming to a better of understanding of what I believe about spirituality and the Universe . There was a day when , for whatever reason , I decided I was simply through looking for love . I wanted it , sure , and I felt a desperate and consuming loneliness . But then , I 've always felt that way . Since I was a child , I 've lost myself in my memories , and felt alone , and sad . It 's just the way it is for me . There are certain things about myself that just are the way they are : I can only do things in extremes , I either fully love or fully hate things , rarely can I find a middle ground , even about things I truly don 't have much of an opinion on . It 's just more comfortable for me to choose a side and switch later if I need to . On this particular day , I decided it wasn 't worth it to keep searching aimlessly for a partner . I probably wasn 't ready for a new one anyway , I was still getting over the last one , and projecting my fears and insecurities the last relationship had left me with onto new people , all of whom it seemed weren 't the right match for me anyway . But then , no one had ever seemed like a real match . It was possible that I was simply matchless , and I do think that all people are unique so why couldn 't I be so unique that I just didn 't have a perfect match ? Don 't get me wrong , I don 't believe in having a predestined soulmate or even really the idea of having a " match , " but it did happen that I hadn 't yet met anyone who aligned with me even to near - perfection , much less perfectly . This realization came with sadness . I was going to dedicate my time and energy to better understanding myself , to educating myself , to searching for my own beliefs , discovering my truest identity , making myself into the most authentic version of myself I could be . But this came at a cost : even in the most unhappy of times I 've kept hope alive that I can still find someone who will be good for me if I just keep trying . It 's not really in my nature to give up hope . It 's happened to me before , and there have been plenty of times when I 've given up through my actions , but rarely has hope been entirely extinguished for me , if ever . I found myself curled up in my bed , listening to sad music on a loop , and crying until I fell asleep . I was on Facebook and I happen to be part of some group that 's purpose is to connect LGBT people for dating , and this particular one happened to be for gay men , including transgender men . I had joined a lot of these groups when I became single , and I found such freedom in doing so . I saw a post from a guy who said he and his boyfriend were looking for a third partner in the hopes of creating a polyamorous relationship . I 've really loved the idea of polyamory and particularly on some spiritual level the idea of three people in a relationship , there 's something inherently mystical about the number three , and a long time ago I came to the conclusion that if I were to be comfortable in a relationship , it would have to be one where I 'm free to explore and feel whatever I want to , with no limitations . At any rate , I wished this guy luck on his quest , and said I was sure he 'd find someone because he was a cutie . I don 't remember exactly what happened next but I must have went to go have a look at his profile because I found him attractive , and that 's when I realized that he lives nearby . So nearby in fact that he was only about fifteen minutes up the road . I sent him a message and decided to chat with him , and within an instant we were conversing , and it was really good . There were so many things about him that I found attractive : he was a writer , he was intelligent , he understood the things I made references to , he had great taste in music ( and it also happened to align pretty well with my own ) , we had so many similar interests . I found myself getting really excited . Could it be that on this day , when I had decided to stop looking for love , the right guy had just wandered into my life and found me ? I called him and talked with him a bit . His boyfriend was nearby and the first thing I noticed was that they laughed a lot when I spoke to them , they found me interesting in funny . I 've always found that to be missing in my relationships . My high school best friend always ends up with people who have a good sense of humour , and who she laughs with . They have inside jokes and they smile and laugh and have fun around each other , but I 've never had that in a relationship before , and there have been times when I 've seen them acting that way and it 's made me feel incredibly disheartened about my own relationships , which usually involve me and someone else peacefully coexisting at best . Maybe I did love those guys , but that doesn 't mean we had fun together , or that I was fulfilled . This new guy on the phone told me he and his boyfriend were going to go get something to eat so he should probably go . It was the middle of the night and only a few restaurants were open so I asked if they wanted to meet up , and they were both very excited about the idea . My best friend did a little bit of research on this guy , as he is wont to do because he worries about me and wants to make sure I 'm safe , and he pretty much gave me his blessing by saying that this guy seemed really interesting and had published a lot of books online . I was actually starting to get very excited , but I remained skeptical : something will come up . Yes , he does seem to be an incredibly good match for me , but I 'll discover something unpleasant about him that changes it all , or we 'll meet and have no natural connection , or something . Things don 't just fall into your lap like this without some kind of consequence . When I met him , I literally found myself unable to speak in the middle of sentences because I would get distracted by how beautiful his eyes were . Both he and his boyfriend were attractive , and the more we talked , the better we all got along . We ended up going back to their place and having sex , and it was the most incredible and sexually fulfilling experience I 'd ever had . I felt so safe and affectionate and frankly I just kept waiting for something bad to happen . I shared this with my new guy friend and he said he 'd been thinking the same thing . But nothing bad happened , at least not as far as our connection was concerned . The more time went by , the more we seemed drawn to each other . I found myself missing him terribly when I had to go home to go to work , and spending ever free second with him and his boyfriend . The three of us would drive around town , eat , go to the movies , and everywhere we went , we laughed . That was the thing that really got me : we just kept laughing . We were always smiling . And my new love interest seemed to know all the right things to say and do . It just kept getting better . As nothing can be without balance , however , things in my life did become incredibly turbulent . My mother became increasingly difficult when it came to me spending time with my new friends , and I wasn 't sure exactly what to call them , they were definitely love interests but I was terrified of making any commitment , or even thinking of calling anyone " boyfriend . " Being someone 's boyfriend had always turned out bad for me , that kind of commitment was restraining and counterproductive , it stifled who I was , destroyed my creativity , and kept me chained to someone else . It wasn 't something I wanted to experience again . As I said , my mother became more and more difficult to be around . Honestly , I could go into the specifics , I could recount the incredibly hurtful and bigoted things she and her husband both said to me , but what really matters is that it got bad . She kicked me out of the house and made me live outside in a camper . Now , this isn 't actually all that terrible a turn of events , since I used to live in their backyard in a camper for about a year , and I had a pretty peaceful existance out there with my own TV and music and space . But this time was different : I was only allowed inside the house to use the bathroom ( and even this was actually prohibited , I 'd been told that if I needed to use the bathroom I could drive to the gas station , but luckily I didn 't really get much argument when I decided to come inside anyway ) , and I wasn 't allowed to eat any of their food . This was essentially my mother 's way of putting me on the street without actually putting me on the street . From the outside , she 'd just made me live outside , where I had my own space away from her and we didn 't collide so much . But in reality , I was living in a sweltering hot camper in the middle of a very hot spring that was already turning into summer , with no air condition , and no food or water of my own . The first night she put me out there , the family had not only made dinner , but there were three boxes of leftovers from eating out nights before in the refrigerator . My mother left a single bottle of water and half a bag of potato chips on the back porch for my dinner , and refused to share any of the food inside the house with me . I became increasingly anxious , there was no way out of this situation . My two new love interests could provide me a place to sleep for a night or two , but they were living with family and couldn 't just let me move in , and though they were trying to get a place of their own , in which I 'd be more than welcome to stay , they hadn 't been able to yet . It was a confusing and incredibly upsetting time , probably for everyone if not just for me . My new boy was talented , creative , interesting , fun , and beautiful , and his boyfriend and I were becoming closer too . We all ended up staying in a hotel together for a few days , and on my new boy 's birthday , I was in bed with him , laying on top of him and smiling down , when I went to say something , and I honestly don 't remember what , but I prefaced it with a " Guess what ? " He got excited and told me he thought I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend . At that moment , seeing the joy on his face , feeling the rush of heat through my chest , and how much I already knew I was falling in love with him , it seemed , for the first time in my life , like asking someone to be my boyfriend might not come with the messy consequences of feeling trapped and unable to breathe . I warned him . I told him I 've had serious trouble being in relationships before , and that I often feel stifled , and that I may need more freedom than he realizes , that the terms of our relationship might need to be altered as the need arises . He didn 't mind any of this . And so I asked . And he said yes . We were officially boyfriends . The smiles on our faces and the passion of our kiss told me I 'd made the right decision . The best thing was , I could feel all of that doubt and indecision and fear that always accompanied the beginning of a new relationship creeping up on me , but it didn 't hurt , it didn 't cause me anxiety , I just simply saw that it was there and smiled , because I knew I truly didn 't feel that way . As for my new boyfriend 's current boyfriend , I waited a little while before I was ready to ask him too . I wanted us to have a special moment too , and eventually we did . We reached a point where the three of us were not only in a relationship , but the situation demanded that it might be a good idea for all of us to find a place . Now , I know that 's not a good idea at the beginning of relationship . The strain of living in close quarters destroys relationships , I know from experience . But we didn 't seem to have many other options : they needed to leave their family 's house , and I clearly wasn 't going to survive living with no food in a hot camper in my mother 's backyard . There are a million details about what happened , but an apartment was found , and a move - in was arranged . The only real problem was that we 'd have to wait for essentially another month . It was a long month . I went back and forth between my boyfriends ' family and my family , and I no longer had a job since I 'd been working with my mother before and she , of course , fired me ( as she is prone to do at the slightest provocation ) . Eventually there was a tenuous agreement between myself and my boyfriend 's mother that I could stay there for a short time , but she wasn 't really incredibly keen on it , she just didn 't have the heart to put me out on the street . I say that it was tenuous because not all of this was ever really said , it was more implied . The situation became tense : my bofriends and I started to argue , and moving in was suddenly becoming a very shaky situation where it looked like we might not have the money or the means to move in . I was terrified , I had no other options , even if I broke up with these guys , moving into this apartment was the only option for me , I had nowhere else to go . The fighting was tense for a few days . It wasn 't physical fighting , just arguing , hurt feelings , but we always made up , and it was real making up too , not the way my previous boyfriends and I had pretended to make up and just endured one another for another day . We got the apartment , we moved in , the arguing calmed way down , and after a few weeks and a failed attempt at working in retail again , I went back to my job with my mother , who has so far been much easier to get along with . Her response to learning I have two boyfriends was probably the response you would expect from a conservative Southern Christian , but I don 't really care . One very frustrating area of my life is relationships , and that 's mostly because I suck at them . I really do try my best , but not only can I never make them work , they just never feel right . It 's ironic because I can be so emotionally dependent and so overly nurturing and caring that it seems like a stable relationship would be ideal for me , but strangely , I become very quickly unsettled every time . Every time I 've had the " let 's be boyfriends " talk with a guy , it 's strangely never very exciting . Usually it 's incredibly stressful . This is the way relationships typically go for me : I meet a guy , probably online or through a friend , and we start talking , usually over the phone . I really love being able to have long conversations with people , and I know that I 'm interested in a guy when we can carry on conversations that last well into the night and eat up every minute on my cell phone . I 'm talking six - hour conversations here , usually with a lot of " Whoops , my cell phone died and I had to plug it in , " or " I 'm just walking around the block in the middle of the night while talking to you . " When we meet , usually for a meal , there 's a mixture of feelings : on the one hand , there 's an instant grinding neediness that wells up inside me . I may not express it to him , but inside I 'm thinking " Okay , he 's cute . Maybe this feature could be better but it 's alright , maybe he 'll love me . Maybe he 'll hold me and whisper sweet nothings into my ear at night , and maybe our warm bodies will caress in the moonlight and my heart will race and his lips will kiss mine and I can spend every night safe with him , not alone , tossing around in an empty bed in an empty room and an empty life with no love ! " I know , and this is just what 's going through my mind while I 'm smiling over the chit - chat before our meals even arrive . By this point , I 've already started to doubt the relationship that doesn 't even exist : " Am I ready for this ? What if he doesn 't really get me ? What if I end up being the only one who cares ? He seems nice , but do I really want to be with him FOREVER ? I mean , if things go well now , then eventually I 'll have to make a decision about whether or not to commit to him , and if I commit , well then there goes my chances of ever being with anyone else , ever experiencing the excitement of meeting someone new , ever having another first kiss or a first night in bed together or a first holiday together or meeting his family for the first time , now it 's just me and this guy forever . And what if things go bad ? Then I have to break up , and I have to deal with my heart being broken and taking his stuff out of my room and giving him back clothes that he left at my house and spending six months crying myself to sleep at night and having crappy self - pity hookup sex with guys online to try and fill the void he 's left in my heart . Maybe this isn 't worth it . Maybe this was all a bad idea . " But that 's the thing , I can 't NOT over think things . It 's just in my nature . I 'm not actually sure that I NEED to change that about myself . People over the years have told me to stop thinking so much , but I 'm sorry , thinking is what I do best , and I can 't just stop because it 's inconvenient and raises a lot of questions . If things are going well between me a guy , I start to suffer this really bad separation anxiety when he 's not around , and I 'll become really depressed , just eating or playing video games or going to work to have something to do to occupy myself until the next time I see him . I 'll keep on rolling over every question and concern I just mentioned , but I 'll miss him at the same time , and to a degree that is probably unhealthy for having just meet someone . I 'll talk to him on the phone and say , " You know I really missed you today , " and I 'll hear him smile and say " Yeah I missed you too . " But I doubt he really missed me as much as I missed him . He probably missed me in like , a normal way , whereas spent the entire day thinking about our entire future together and how terrified I am of making a commitment to marry him , and exactly how I 'm going to deal with raising children when I 'm not grown myself , and we haven 't even agreed to a second date yet . So yeah , I jump the gun , emotionally and mentally . The saddest part is that I don 't do it on purpose . I 've trained myself NOT to go bat shit crazy on day one , and I do this to the best of my ability , but some things I just can 't avoid doing . Sex is another big thing that I have to deal with . I 've always had a very open attitude about sexuality , and I don 't mind being as graphic as the other person can handle if they 're willing to talk about sex . When I meet a guy and I think he 's cute , I do this thing that I know is really stereotypical and probably makes the whole gay community , or men in general look bad , because I 'm doing something that people might expect me to do , but I just start wondering about his penis . I want to know how big it is , what it 's shaped like , if I 'm going to like it . I prefer big ones but I don 't mind if it 's average , but what if it 's just average or it 's small ? Now I have to spend the rest of my life with this guy whose dick isn 't satisfactory and I 'll be constantly wishing I could experience sex with a guy who had a bigger one . As I 'm writing this I understand how incredibly shallow this sounds . It 's not my intent to be shallow and I don 't actually judge whether or not I 'm going to be in a relationship with a guy based on the size of his cock , but I would be lying if I didn 't say these incredibly base sexual thoughts didn 't fly through my head . Then we actually have sex , and it 's usually VERY quickly . If we don 't have the full - on penetration , there 's usually some form of fooling around on the first encounter . Now , I 'm inclined to think that a lot of the guys I 've met would be just fine saving that for a second or third date , but since I happen to come on to them on the first meeting they don 't mind going there too . The problem is , now in addition to the worries I 've already amassed in my own mind , I have a whole new load of sexual issues to worry about ( no pun intended ) . Now , almost invariably , I express some or most of these feelings to the guy in question , and in most instances , he smiles and says it 's cute that I worry so much and kisses me . And yes , I am human , and yes I will forget about my worry for a little while , and just enjoy spending time with him . And sometimes it goes really well . But in the back of my mind I 'll be thinking , " So , is this it ? It doesn 't FEEL like I 've found my soul mate . I didn 't fall in love with him at first sight . I don 't even believe in soul mates or love at first sight , but is this someone I feel like I 'm going to wake up every morning smiling at because I can 't believe how lucky I am to be with him , or am I just moderately happy with him ? Am I settling ? And if I am settling , why ? Why do I continue to be in this relationship if it isn 't filling me with constant beatific joy ? People talk about being in love and wanting to tell the world , shout it from the rooftops , but I don 't feel that way . Does that mean this isn 't right ? Oh god what am I doing , I already made a commitment to this guy and now I 'm not sure if I made a huge mistake or not ! " Then I 'll take a breath and tell myself , " No it 's okay , it 's still early , give him a chance , take it slow . " But the next time we 're together , all I 'll be thinking is , " Is this the one ? Have I made a mistake ? I 'm trying to give him a chance but I don 't feel like everything is perfect yet . " Bad things that happened today : I was very nervous about my new job . My feet hurt and I was feeling pressured at the cash wrap to deliver on the metrics and promotions . I was a bit overwhelmed . I felt conflicted about the bank vs . the bookstore . I wasn 't sure retail was where I wanted to be , even though I like the bookstore as a customer . The bank rejected me after two interviews and a few forms , possibly because of my credit . Roxie scratched me when I got home , grr . I felt a little guilty for feeling up Zack today when we cuddled . I don 't think Robert would mind THAT much , but I know I was being bad . Even though I liked watching HP and the Deathly Hallows ( Part 2 , for the record ) , it changed up my routine , I watched it in the dark , and it kind of stressed me out a little bit , though it did inspire me . I parked too close to the store on my first day of work . I want a lot of stuff from the bookstore I dont ' have money for . I 'm running out of negative things to say but I 'm trying to get it all out . I 'm not crazy about doing a fake - ish customer service persona when I 'm at work . Oh I forgot a big one , Kris shot himself in the woods near someone 's house , my mother is very upset . I talked to her on the phone . Just hearing her voice shook and upset me . Guess I 've learned I 'm not really ready to talk to her yet . It is very sad about Kris . I don 't know if it 's inappropriate to say I saw it coming , I noticed he was getting rid of his stuff , or selling things , and seemed to be getting his affairs in order like he was ready to go . I hope he 's at peace . I believe people have a right to choose death . It 's their life , they can choose to end it if they can 't bear living . But I do hope people can also heal and have happy lives . I don 't know , it 's a weird thing . Also I 'm spending too much time on Facebook , I want to eliminate that , and get all my writing in one place on a blog , and then put my creative output there . Good things : I got to play FFXIII - 2 when I got home . It was relaxing to sit down after working . I took a nap with Zack . I 'm enjoying playing FFXII : Revenant Wings , and also reading Lord of the Rings . I posted on Facebook a brief summary of my experiences so far in Delaware . That should update people . I 'm getting inspired just by playing Final Fantasy XII : Revenant Wings . I 'm excited to get a journal and write things down in it ( I may copy all my old outlines ) . Random : I have Darren Hayes ' song Talk Talk Talk stuck in my head . I 'm enjoying Mozart . I like Sirius XM , they have a Broadway and Classical station . Also , I 'm kind of thinking I might get more into Missy Elliot . Though I can 't torrent anymore . That should go in the bad things section . Nah . Okay I 'm tired and running out of stuff to say . I have Pepsi ! Yay for soda addictions ! And I am hopefully going to fall asleep at a reasonable time . Goodnight ! 20Mar2016 # 111 : I 'm Still Trying Posted in Journal by Jesse Colton I 've wanted to write again for over a month . That seems to always be the pattern : I want to write , then I don 't , then I 'm mad because I missed all these observations and thoughts I could have chronicled , and then when I do write I 'm apologizing to myself for not writing . But I 'm going to keep trying , even if it 's hard . I want to get what it 's my head down . I started a journal once before online ( actually many times before online , but this is one in particular ) , on LiveJournal . I wanted to try something new , but I ended up only writing six entries . Since this numbered series is supposed to be similar to that , and I 've already cross - posted my LiveJournal entries over to this blog , I considered making the previous entry number seven and this one number eight . Maybe I will do that . I don 't know . I realize that 's a boring thing to start this off with . I have a thing about numbers , and organization . I have literally spent most of my free time in the past six years organizing and maintaining my iTunes library : keeping the B - Sides and Demos in proper order with uniform cover art , keeping everything numbered properly , having things in correct chronological order , organizing and re - organizing and re - organizing bonus tracks and B - Sides . It 's labor intensive but it gives my mind something to focus on . The point is to get it out of my head and into here . The point is to have a living record ( what does that actually mean , anyway ? I 'm totally bullshitting on using that term properly ) of my life and my thoughts . It 's Saturday . Blessed , sweet Saturday . The Thursday two days previous marked three months that I began working a full - time job , at a desk , in front of a computer , for eight hours a day with an hour lunch break . When I first started , I was deliriously satisfied at having landed full - time work , much less in my dream environment of an OFFICE . I couldn 't believe it . But as time went on , it slowly starting dawning on me that this wasn 't an office . This was a retailer I worked for , and I was in their office space , and yes there were desks and computers and cushy chairs , and a coffee machine and conference rooms , but there were also things MISSING . Windows , for instance . Our office is actually just two huge warehouses that are somewhat insulated and the walls are strewn with huge ceiling to floor curtains . There are no windows , there is no sunlight , there is something that almost passes for a skylight above but really doesn 't because it 's just one dirty covered window that lets in some small amount of light . Two weeks ago the power went out for a while and we were on various backup lighting systems and it was like it was the dead of night in there . It gets incredibly hot when it 's hot outside , and freezes when it 's cold outside . After my life was saved by two friends who allowed me to move away from the Carolinas and from my dysfunctional family and incredibly abusive mother , I spent the first month or so having crying breakdowns every night . I was like a dog that had just been adopted from the pound , and I was still so scarred by my past that I couldn 't accept that I might have a home , or safety , or love . But over time that fear went away and this became my new home . I lasted about a month at the new job before I started to realize that I not only hated the job itself , but the whole concept of full time work . I always thought working full time with weekends off would give my life some kind of structure , but it turns out it just fills my life with forty - five hours a week spent in a muggy dark building away from the sun , and away from my actual LIFE . I hate being hidden away like that . I get two days off but I feel like I need much more than that . I honestly am beginning to doubt whether or not I can work AT ALL . What would a happy work - week look like for me ? I have no idea . Unless I were doing something that I love , and I don 't really know if I can paid to play piano , write books , and play video games . I want to go to college but how ? I 'm twenty - five now , I don 't have as many resources available to me as would have been when I was eighteen and just graduating . Even if I go to school I need to work a full - time job at the same time and how do I do that ? What would I even go to school for ? I say English , music , or literature , but what would I do with that ? Would I teach ? Could I handle the stress of teaching ? I 've been warned against teaching by everyone and I 've never been particularly interested in it . If I were a teacher I 'd have to hide who I am too . I 'd like to live in a hippy commune , rolling around naked in the flowers every afternoon , fucking boys and maybe sometimes girls throughout the day , reading at night , and falling asleep in the arms of friends . I 'd like to wake up to the smell of nature and the wet dew and the rising sun , and yet I don 't want to live out in the woods . Maybe a cabin somewhere ? I mean I 'm genuinely trying to picture what my perfect life might look like . I guess in my dreams for the future I 'm always rich and successful , and I 'm either at home writing novels or out on the road touring as a musician , playing piano and singing to adoring friends every night . Will I ever get the chance to do these things ? When I was twenty - one it seemed like there was still all the time in the world to figure these things out . Now I 'm twenty - five , almost twenty - six , and it seems like while there may still be time , there doesn 't seem to be any MEANS to make these things happen . And what do I need to do , keep on slogging through work full time , having unfulfilling Grindr hookups that leave me grossed out and ashamed when I have a few moments of free time , spending the weekend sitting still and trying to recuperate as I recover from the withdrawals symptoms of leaving one antidepressant behind to start myself on another ? It seems like I 've gained so much of what I thought I wanted : a safe home where I live with friends , a stable job , good income , the ability to get food when I need it , a place to put my books and my music . And I do still want all those things , but I didn 't know I would still be suicidal once I got them . I didn 't know I would still struggle against the debilitating tears , fear , and loneliness , pushing down on my chest every day . I didn 't know I would still reach over to the other side of the bed at night and wish Nathan was there to hold . It 's been over a year now and he 's still on my mind all the time . I feel lost without him . I think of things that I want to say to him , I see things around me and I want to show him , but he isn 't here , he 's back home , in Georgia , and he just isn 't going to be a part of my life no matter how much I miss him . And it isn 't that I want him to be in my life , or that I want to get back together , but I do miss him . Even though I don 't regret my decision to step out of our relationship , I still spend a lot of time thinking about him , missing him I want to find a new person , but last year I was with a new person for three months and I genuinely forget that he ever existed in my life . I had a new relationship with not one but TWO guys , in a polyamorous relationship , they were both Pagan , and I even ended up homeless and they gave me a place to stay . Then there was upset , an actual physical fight , lots of screaming and wailing and at one point I even tried to cut myself ( unsuccesfully , as I grabbed a butter knife ) , then ended up being made to leave . And I forget about those things ever having happened all the time , I forget that I had a relationship with those two guys , I talk about Nathan and say he was my last boyfriend but I forget that there were two in - between then and now . Why do I forget them so easily ? I had thought I was happy . It turns out I was just as unfulfilled as before . But doesn 't having a rebound relationship mean it helps you to get over the old one ? Well , yes and no . It was nice , but still unfulfilling . And I spent so much time last year being an atheist , and now I feel like I 'm going back down the path to being Pagan . Which is great , I like it , but I always feel insincere . I 'm not brave enough to be an atheist , and I don 't have enough faith to truly believe in the Divine . I want real life witchcraft and magic to influence the magic in my book , but where is my book going ? It 's changed so much in my head . Characters that used to be the most important have left entirely , and I don 't know what 's happening anymore . I finally started over in first person and I love it so far but I haven 't written anything more after the first chapter , which I need to revise . Today I walked dogs at the animal shelter . Zack drove us there , I was going to go by myself but I 'm glad he came . First I walked a pitbull named Caesar who pee 'd on everything and then kept trying once he ran out , and cuddled with him a bit before we swapped him out for another pitbull named Gunnar , who was a bit more distant but really interested in walking around and exploring . I got a lot of good exercise from it , even though I was literally so exhausted from walking down to a culdesac and back twice that I ended up taking a three - hour nap when I got home . How can I ever start working out regularly or running / walking / jogging , if I can 't even handle taking a dog for a walk ? I don 't mean to be negative , if I am being negative . I spent a lot of time when I first started this blog trying as hard as I could to be positive because I needed positive energy in my life . Now I 'm not even sure what a word like " positive energy " means . I don 't like faith in God , and I don 't really care enough about science to truly seek the answers . Maybe I don 't like what I know I 'll find : that the universe is vast and my existence in it has little meaning either way . That 's what atheism has brought to me , a feeling of knowledge and even of boastful , arrogant pride that I 'm now trying to unlearn , and also a fear of oblivion . I don 't want to stop existing . Can it be so easy to just stop existing ? Can it be so easy to believe in an alternative ? I ordered two books on Wicca . I jogged last week and walked today . I 've stopped drinking soda from the machine at work and almost entirely switched to drinking Powerade when I 'm working . I bought tea and chai . I 'm trying . I need to stop staring at my phone all day . I need to get online for a good purpose , to write or to do something productive . I have to stop wasting so much time . @ kathygriffin I 'm always on your side , gurl . Stay strong . jessecoltonblog . wordpress . com / 2017 / 06 / 02 / in - … 3 weeks ago |
Being at a dance is a lot like hitchhiking : first a whole bunch of people pass you by with not so much as a nod , and then when someone does take an interest , you know it 's only going to last until you open the door and get out , or until you discover the door is now locked and you 're trapped for life . Which is why , feeling as I do , I was trying to explain to Harriet that I wouldn 't go with her to a dance . I told her I 'd had my fill of being a wallflower back in high school , only now it would be worse as a chubby , wilting , fifty - four - year - old with hot flashes . But she kept on , joking that she needed me for " immoral support . " Finally I relented . Yes , I 'd go with her to a Valentine 's Singles Dance , of all things , at the Masonic Hall , of all places . Aunt Cornelia would have taken me to task for going near anything so proudly Protestant , but that kind of prejudice is out of fashion . Now I can advertise my unwanted status wherever I like . Harriet , as I 've always told her , is terminally naïve when it comes to men . She calls it optimism . I call it stupidity , but then I guess you have to be an optimist to appreciate an optimist . Like most orphans , optimism is not one of my strengths . I told Harriet that I didn 't think she or I would find Mr . Right or Mr . Anything in the Queen Street Masonic Hall , but she kept saying , " You never know . " I thought I did know . I thought a Singles Dance was the kind of place that would attract pathetic lonely people looking for other pathetic lonely people , people who believe their two lonelinesses will cancel each other out , instead of making them each doubly miserable . Not that I 'm a lonely woman . I 'm fine . I really am . Sure , once in a while I feel a bit alone , but when that happens , all I have to do is remind myself of the married women I work with at the bank , the ones who work all day , and then work all night looking after their kids and their useless husbands . I think about them , and I know I 'm better off . Sometimes , I miss having someone to talk to in the evenings , but I 'm used to it . Like my father always said , " You can get used to anything but hanging . " So , it was settled : Harriet and I were going . I told her I was staying thirty minutes max unless a miracle happened , and I doubted miracles were thick on the ground among those Freemasons . As for what to wear , after considerable thought , I chose my little black dress - very Audrey Hepburn , only Size 18 - and my cultured pearls . Harriet decided to wear a navy blue pantsuit and a white blouse that made her look like a prison matron , not - I tried to tell her - someone the ex - cons who flock to these events would be drawn to , although on second thought , maybe it was a good idea to keep those particular candidates at arm 's length . The Masonic Hall was decorated in pink and red streamers to give it a love theme , I suppose , but it didn 't make up for the dim lights , the buckling brown wall panels , the stained carpet , and the overpowering smell of burnt coffee , egg salad , and old drains . Tinny music was blasting from a CD player in the corner , and about twenty people were hunched together in sad little clusters , each holding a paper cup with a pink heart glued to the side . They all looked relentlessly single . The men , except for one guy in a repellent green tracksuit , were in shades of brown and grey , and the women were in bright glittery colors , the rules of attraction in the animal kingdom gone awry . Every few minutes a cold draught would blow in from the open door , and we 'd all turn to watch the next bedraggled arrivals . Soon our numbers had doubled , and I 'd lost track of Harriet in the gloom . After a bit of a lull , the door opened again , and two red - faced women rushed in , smiling up at a man holding the door for them . I noticed his soft black leather jacket and his white movie star scarf , and I watched as he hung them up before turning to the crowd . And there at the Queen Street Freemasons ' Hall Valentine 's Singles Dance stood the twin of Omar Sharif , if anyone remembers him . Even if he hadn 't been gorgeous , and even if he hadn 't been wearing a cashmere sweater and nice black slacks , he would have stood out from the others ; he was the only man there who didn 't look afraid . I glanced around to see who he was here to meet . No one was waving , but I did notice that all the women were tucking stray hairs behind their ears and lifting their chests a little higher . The Shirelles finished wondering if he 'd still love them tomorrow - probably not the best song for an occasion like this - and then something sweet and sappy began . After a few bars I realized it was a corny string version of Stayin ' Alive ! Several couples turned in unison to put down their cups before stepping out onto the floor , arms outstretched , like they were aWhen we got to the subway station , I wrote my home number on the back of a business card from work , and told him to call either number if he needed anything , anything at all . He thanked me with one of his devastating smiles , did up his jacket , and headed off . I was a bit disappointed when he didn 't turn and wave one last time . It was almost a month before I heard from him , and I 'd pretty well given up . That 's the way it is with me and men : they like me and then they don 't . Part of the problem is - I know , I know - I talk too much . I know . My father used to say that someday I 'd talk someone 's ear right off their head , but the problem is I seem to get started and one thing reminds me of another and another , and before I know it , half an hour has gone by and the other person is looking around for someone to shoot them . Like the time my sister and I . . . oh , never mind . You don 't need to know about that just now . So , as I was saying , Bertrand finally did call . The first thing he said was that he couldn 't get me out of his mind . That got my attention . I tried very hard not to rattle on , and soon he accepted a date for supper at my place . I got dressed up in my new red top and black pants , and I made a curry since I figured his background was Indian or Middle Eastern . When he arrived and I told him what I 'd made , he said , " Brilliant ! My stomach thinks my throat 's been cut ! " I burst out laughing , and then suddenly my eyes began to burn with tears . My mother used to say that , but I 'd forgotten all about it . He ate every bite , and he was full of praise for my cooking . After dinner all he wanted to do was watch soccer on TV - that is , " football " for him . Since I was so determined not to talk too much , I suppose TV was the more interesting option . A little after nine , he announced he was leaving as he had to be at work at 6 a . m . for his new job cleaning offices . That 's when he asked me if I knew how long he 'd have to wait for a paycheque in Canada . I told him it could take weeks . He looked so crestfallen that I got out my wallet . Loaning him a hundred dollars was not a hardship for me , and , frankly , it was nice to feel needed . Bertrand came for dinner three times after that . When he was leaving on the last night , he turned and looked at me for quite a long time before he gave me a quick little kiss . He cupped the side of my face in his gloved hand and said he thought he might be falling in love , and that he 'd never met anyone quite like me - beautiful , funny , and so clever . He also said he respected me very much so he didn 't want to rush into things . I didn 't think men still said things like that . I 'm grateful he didn 't want to jump into bed before he even had his coat off , but on the other hand , I was happy to have at least this small sign that he 'd noticed I was a woman . Then he told me his family was arriving that weekend , and he 'd be busy over the next " fortnight " showing them the sights . I told him I 'd love to meet them , but he said they already had a lot of plans and there was always next time . I loaned him another hundred dollars so he wouldn 't have to scrimp . Funny to think that my parents also met at a dance . My poor mother . Now there was someone looking for love in all the wrong places . Eva McGrath she was before she married my father , and what little I know about her came from Aunt Cornelia who 'd spit out short answers to my questions as if they were poisonous crumbs she couldn 't get out of her mouth fast enough . One thing my aunt enjoyed telling me was that Eva was already a widow when she met my father because her first husband had been a layabout who got killed at Dunkirk . She made it sound as if Eva had been responsible . I gather the following year , Eva met my father at a dance , probably mistaking this handsome , laughing boy for a knight sent to rescue her from the scullery of a country house with no running water . I 'm sure she had no idea she was signing on for another country house with no running water , only this time in the middle of the frozen prairie . Before long , she had one and then two babies to look after . Then , when I was four and Becky only three , our mother left with the feed salesman leaving us behind with our stunned father who then left us with his maiden sister down in Moose Jaw . Aunt Cornelia ran a boarding house , and our father seemed to think - if he thought at all - that children just needed room and board . We never saw our mother again , and if she did try to contact us - and I 'm absolutely certain she tried - we were never told about it . Aunt Cornelia spoke of her with barely controlled fury , and my father refused to speak of her at all . I remember sitting by the front window , one afternoon after another , hoping that that would be the day I 'd see my mother coming down the street , running towards us in her sky blue coat . Whenever my aunt caught me , she 'd tell me to stop lollygagging about and go dust the rungs of the dining room chairs . I have to say I was looking forward to the time when Bertrand and I could go out for a nice dinner . I wanted us to have A Date . He promised me that after he got a proper job , we 'd have plenty oAs I said , I have this too - much - talking problem , but I finally met a man who really doesn 't mind my nattering on : a policeman . I guess big talkers are godsends to the police since we 're more inclined to spill the beans . Anyway , early the next week , my doorbell rang not long after I got home , and standing there on my porch was a short , overweight guy in a grey down jacket . He showed me his badge and identity card - Detective Hugh Greenan - and said he needed a few minutes of my time . He reminded me of Mr . Plod , the polite policeman in a book my English Grannie sent us when we were little . I was just having a cup of tea and some nice oatmeal cookies that I made from a recipe I got from - oh , sorry , never mind - where was I ? Right , I poured him a cup too , and we sat down in the living room . Detective Greenan wanted to talk about a man named Albert Wood . Albert , commonly known as Bert . I told him I didn 't know any Bert Wood , but he said they 'd found my name and number on Albert Wood 's cell phone . Then he showed me a passport photo , and I knew exactly who he was talking about : Bertrand , Bertrand Woodleigh whose real name apparently was Albert Wood . Then Detective Greenan told me that Albert Wood was dead . I don 't remember actually starting to cry , but suddenly I was , gulping and gasping for breath . " Ma ' am , " he said as he reached over and put his hand on my arm , " I think it would help to hear the whole story . " I nodded and he went on . It seems that the police in Detective Greenan 's Division were dealing with the death of an Englishman , a man who had apparently looked the wrong way off a curb and stepped right into the path of a taxi . His passport said he was Albert Wood . They would have written it off as another unfortunate tourist accident except that at the same time , the robbery department in Rosedale had sent around a description of some stolen jewelry that matched the rings and necklaces they 'd found in Albert Wood 's knapsack . The woman who reported the theft confirmed that Albert Wood was the man she 'd been seeing for several months , the one who 'd taken her things . She knew him as Bertrand Woodleigh . Detective Greenan kept shaking his head . It was clear he didn 't want to distress me further , but he also wasn 't going to beat around the bush . He thought I needed to hear the whole story . I appreciated that . Lies have never helped me one little bit . Detective Greenan asked me if there was someone he could call , a relative or maybe a friend , so I told him my parents were long gone , and my only sister lives out in Moose Jaw and spends her days making fudge . ( She claims it 's a business but I think the poor dear eats most of it . ) Then , before I knew it , I 'd told him how it was that my mother had up and left us , and how my father , eleven years later , had announced that not only was he going on holiday to Mexico , he was going with a woman from the parish , one of the gangly Carruthers sisters from out on the Muenster Road , and not only were they going to Mexico , he and Millie Carruthers were going to get married as soon as he managed to get unmarried from our mother down there in Mexico . All I remember about Millie Carruthers was that her long red neck reminded me of those turkeys my father had bought one summer , the ones that had got some kind of moulting disease and ended up frozen to death while still on their feet . Anyway , off my father and Millie went , and as soon as they got there , he couldn 't resist running into the sea . Boys from the prairies seldom know about undertows , and in minutes he 'd disappeared while Millie ran up and down the beach wondering if she dared ask for help in a foreign country even if the priest had said it was a Catholic one . It seemed that Detective Greenan was listening intently , but I did manage to stop talking before I 'd told him that at eighteen , I married my aunt 's boarder , Klas Magnusson . Klas was old - the same age my father would have been - but my aunt was very encouraging because he was Catholic and marrying him would get me out of her house . I was too young to understand that you can 't replace a parent , especially this way . Klas , it turned out , had other plans . A few weeks later , he didn 't return from work on a Friday night . The station master reported seeing Klas getting on the westbound milk train early that morning . He 'd been carrying a suitcase . Before long , my aunt discovered that all her silver was missing , and I discovered most of the money I got from Father was gone too . The police , if they even bothered to look for him , came up empty . That was the end of that . The detective got me back on track with the Bertrand story when he told me that , with the help of Bertrand 's passport , they had contacted his wife . " Well , yes , " he said , " and she was so upset by the news that she admitted that she knew her husband had made friends with several women so he could borrow money from them - just until he got himself a job here in Toronto . She insisted she knew nothing about him stealing jewelry , and it must have been given to him by one of his women friends . " Detective Greenan gave me his I - wasn 't - born - yesterday look . Then he told me that the wife also said Bertrand had been trying to find a way to tell me - she knew my name - that he couldn 't see me anymore . " Well he did that , " I said . " Find a way , I mean . " I stopped crying , but for the first time in my life I didn 't feel like talking . I did , however , feel like screaming and stamping my feet , but I made myself sit there my teeth clamped together . I really didn 't want this kind policeman to know how mortified I was . Not only did I let this louse trick me out of some money ; I was stupid enough to let myself believe that he cared , and stupid enough to care in return . My only consolation was that I hadn 't had a chance to tell Harriet about Bertrand because she is flitting around the Caribbean with her new , filthy rich , blind boyfriend . I took a deep breath and asked the detective exactly how many women there were - how many like me . He flipped open his notebook and counted down the page . " Eight . Eight in all . You 're the last we 're checking on , because of the thefts . And , sorry , Ma ' am , but you all look quite alike . " I guess the only true thing Bertrand ever said was that he didn 't like thin women . Detective Greenan went on to ask if I 'd noticed any missing valuables or if I 'd loaned Bertrand money , as all the other women had . I told him Bertrand didn 't steal any jewelry from me because I don 't have any to speak of , and I denied giving him any money . Then he looked down , and cleared his throat . It took him a couple tries before he managed to ask me if Bert - um - that is , Mr . Wood - expected sex as part of the bargain , because if so , mumble , mumble , I might think about being tested for - I told him no , absolutely not . Apparently the other women had said the same thing , claiming he was a real gentleman , never pressing them on that score . A gentleman ! If you can call someone a gentleman who takes and takes , and never gives anything in return . I was feeling a terrible urge to move around , so I suggested I make us more tea . I brought back a fresh pot and some lemon loaf - nice everyday things . I was starting to feel less upset . It was as if this whole thing had happened to someone else , and I was merely watching from high up near the ceiling where my useless guardian angel had been asleep at the switch . Before long , Hugh - he insisted I stop calling him Detective Greenan , and I told him to call me Della - had put away his notebook , and settled back in the armchair . We started talking about all kinds of things - the nuns who 'd taught us at Catholic schools , winters when we were kids , city politics - and I started to feel a bit better . He also told me about his poor wife who died two years ago from breast cancer . The strange thing was I don 't think I talked too much . Or , perhaps I did , and he didn 't mind . I could tell he was in no hurry to go . I always have enough food on hand for a small army , so I could have made him supper , and I think he 'd also have spent the night if I 'd asked , but I didn 't . I had to be alone to think . And not to think . Hugh was very persistent over the next weeks . I finally agreed to go out with him , but first I made myself ask him the big question : Did he not think I was dumb as a sack of potatoes for being tricked by Bertrand / Bert ? He smiled . " Dumb ? You ? Of course not . Not at all ! You were just lonely , Della . Lots of people are lonely . That 's why there are so many cases of this , what we call ' romantic fraud ' . " " But I wasn 't lonely - " I said . " It was just that - " " Loneliness is a terrible thing , " he went on . " I know all about it . Empty houses and empty beds . " He 'd never actually said he was lonely before , but I didn 't need it pointed out . I 'm good at spotting lonely people . I grew up surrounded by them . On our first date we went to his favorite pizza place in Little Italy where we drank a whole bottle of wine , and he told me funny policeman stories and I told him funny bank stories . We could always make each other laugh . And he didn 't seem to mind my talking one bit . As we walked back to his car , hand in hand , it felt as if I 'd known him forever . Since then I 've seen him every few days , and when he has to work late , we talk on the phone . Sometimes I cook us something nice , and sometimes we go out . And the gifts he brings ! Always something - small things , bigger things , like last week it was a bouquet of daffodils and irises . Time before it was a huge array of bedding plants for my garden , and another time a box of hand - rolled chocolates with thirty - five different centers . Hugh is keen on genealogy , and he 's decided that when he retires next year , we should go to Ireland so he can walk on the " old sod " his grandfather left behind . Maybe I could track down someone from my mother 's family too . Then last week as we were dashing off to work , I mentioned that I have to get a new roof on the condo this summer , and Hugh said , " Roofs are expensive , Della . I had to get one last year . You know , " he said , as he reached for my hand , " you have to admit it 's pretty foolish for us to have separate houses . Mine 's nice and roomy , and - " he smiled , " - the roof is good . " A shiver went through me . I hopped into my car , and told him we 'd talk later . I didn 't want him to see the panic on my face . I thought I 'd be thrilled if Hugh said he wanted to spend months and years with me , but all I felt was panic and fear . Like someone was dancing on my grave . The panic hasn 't gone away . I 've tried telling myself things - will - be - fine , things - will - be - fine , but it hasn 't worked . I 'm going to have to tell him . Dear God , I don 't want to hurt him , at least not more than necessary , so it 'll have to be soon , probably this weekend . I 'll tell him that I need my space or maybe that I 'm too set in my ways to live with anyone . Something silly like that . I don 't have the courage to tell him my real reason . I can 't tell him that I can 't risk it , that I know without a doubt that the people I love don 't tend to stick around , and I couldn 't bear losing another one , especially not someone as good as Hugh . I can 't help but think that when it comes right down to it , I 'm not a keeper . I 'm like a cheap dress - good for a dance or two , and then the hem goes after the first wash . Reader Feedback : I am always captivated my Mary 's stories . How she describes the people , places , emotions in such few words . I feel I 'm a picture or mirror on the wall , being a participant throughout . . ~ EricaWell done . It rings with emotional truth and keeps you smiling and worrying about Della . ~ Carol |
WordPress . com basmane Basmane Fashion Star October 19 , 2016October 20 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , bazaar , fashion , izmir , refugee crisis , refugee fashion , refugee photography , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian refugees , turkeyLeave a comment I met " Laila " when I was an English teacher volunteering with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir . ) As usual , I came into the classroom a few minutes early . But this time , instead of finding the usual Arabic teacher commanding the class , I found a striking young woman with black eyes dancing wildly in front of captivated children . As she danced , the children danced . She danced to the left , then all the children followed her to the left . She danced right , and they followed her to the right . She gestured wildly and the sea of children before her , followed her movements with their arms . Then , when the song was over , she looked at me and said " Hello ! " and bolted out of the room . I soon found out that this dance instructor was also a journalist . Since then , Laila 's interviews with the Syrians of Izmir have been the main source for the articles I write . I hope that they will continue to be a source for my articles long after I leave . Along with being a dance instructor and a journalist , Laila is also a fashion diva . Every time I see her , she is wearing something completely insane and pulling it off like a boss . Like an ember that never goes out , dancing high into the night sky , she is a bright light in Basmane ; the large Syrian neighborhood here in Izmir , Turkey . I had wanted to interview Laila about her fashion for months , but the language barrier had always been a problem . Now , with her English improved , we were able to talk vogue . Before the interview , I met her and her mother after dance class , and the three of us walked up to her flat in the heart of Basmane . While she changed in and out various outfits , I talked with her mother in a mix of French , English , and Arabic . Laila periodically popped out of her room and re - translated and elaborated on our conversation for us . After capturing her three favourite outfits on film , we sat together and she explained the fashion to me . " This is a good summer outfit . It 's a ' blouza ' ( blouse ) and ' tanoura ' ( long skirt . ) The pattern of the skirt is ' zakhrafa ' which means something like , " old art . " When I wear this I feel happy and energized , and also relaxed because the shirt is light . It 's something I wear with friends . For example , last weekend I went shopping with my girlfriends and this was the outfit I wore . Now about the shoes . They are white , which is my favourite colour for shoes . I only wear these shoes with this skirt . I got these shoes , like most of my clothes , in Kameralti [ the gigantic bazaar close by . ] " " Yellow is my favourite colour . When I wear yellow , I feel energetic . It is the colour of the sun - of light . I usually like things simple and plain , which is what I like about the shirt . It 's feels light and free . I love jeans like this ; bedazzled , and ripped a little . I have many pairs of pants that are ripped like this . The shoes are not exclusive to this outfit . They 're great for any of my other yellow clothes . This is an outfit for everyday . " " I wear this outfit in winter because it keeps me warm when it 's cold out . I 'm happy in this outfit because it makes me feel like a princess . It could also use a necklace , but the necklace would need to be a dark colour , unlike the light necklaces I have . I like these shoes because they 're simple and the black matches well . This is a great outfit for parties and special occasions . This is what I wore on my birthday . " " I got this earring in Syria a long time ago - four years ago . I was 15 years old . I like the feeling of the feather , and the beads add to the old - style vintage look . It 's part of a pair , although the other earring of the pair is different . " " Since I was a little girl I 've always loved owls . I don 't have any brothers or sisters , so every time I was alone , like in the evenings , I felt alone like an owl . Also , she has black eyes , and I have black eyes . I got these earrings recently from a Syrian friend who lives in Istanbul . " Laila : My dad - NO . He didn 't like it , but now he 's OK with it . My mother 's fine with it . Laila : I don 't know , I was in the mall with my girlfriend , who also had a nose piercing , and I saw a place where I could get it done . So , I got a small and simple nose piercing . I don 't like them big , just small and simple and black like the owl eyes . [ Glasses with fake plastic lenses ] " I had real glasses in Syria but my prescription has changed . Now I wear contacts with the correct prescription . But I like glasses with big frames , so I have these fake ones that I wear with my contacts . " Basmane Fashion Star The Twelfth Try October 16 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , border crossing , border wall , children , free syrian army , fsa , isis , izmir , refugees , refugees in izmir , revi , syria , syrian civil war , syrian dinner , syrian food , syrian women , turkeyLeave a comment It was a typical late afternoon in Basmane . The crumbling buildings echoed with the shouting of children and laughter from football matches in the street . Above us , women threw gossip at each other from between apartment windows . I had impulsively decided to work with ReVi ( Refugee Volunteers of Izmir ) that afternoon , and I wasn 't regretting it for a second . As our volunteer group made the rounds , going from household to household , I absent - mindedly chatted about Russian politics with a new recruit . Sometimes children followed us , interrupting , speaking in clipped English phrases . " Hello ! What - is - your - name ? Where - are - you - from ? How - are - you ? How - are - you ? " It had been a week since I had come here , and it was nice to be back . The family sat us down in a large room , devoid of furniture besides a TV and piles of cushions against the walls . As the rest of the family trickled into the room , we got to talking about the usual things . The household 's health , education , and employment are always our biggest concerns . Overall , this family was doing well . By the time the small talk was over , there were twenty people lining the room around us , not including the babies . We had taken out colouring supplies and bubbles for the children . The vibe was warm , so nobody was in a hurry for us to leave . " And now we will hear his story , " informed a Syrian friend that was translating for us . The man ( I will call him " Ali " ) had fled with his family from Raqqa , a city located in the central - north of Syria . Today Raqqa is the capital of the Islamic State , also known as ISIS . As a consequence , the area is under attack by every side of this many - sided war . Fleeing Raqqa is not an easy thing to do . ISIS has forbidden anyone from leaving the city , and will pursue those who try to escape . It also requires sneaking through an active war zone , and past all the de - facto borders that each side has created . Ali casually mentioned that he had to constantly drug his children so they wouldn 't make noise during their journey . " We escaped Raqqa through an olive orchard and eventually made it to the Syrian - Turkish border . We waited until one or two in the morning and then the smugglers told us to go . We ran through the forest . There were maybe … a hundred or two hundred of us . The Turkish border guards heard us and started shooting . At first I thought they were warning shots but I 'm fairly certain I saw some people get hit by the bullets and crash into the ground as they ran . My family and I made it across the border into Turkey and we were picked up by some smuggler 's vans . After packing us into the vans , they drove off . But there was a car pursuing us . The driver worried that it was the car of Turkish border guards . He drove very erratically and then dropped us off close to a grove of trees in the middle of nowhere . He told us to hide . We tried to hide , but the guards found us and took us to a gymnasium that had been converted into a prison for refugees . Eventually , we would be held in this gymnasium eight separate times . I celebrated Eid [ an important Muslim holiday ] in this gymnasium prison . After spending a day or two in the prison , we were shipped back to Syria . The whole thing seemed suspicious . It felt like a set up . As if the smugglers and Turkish border guards were in communication . Now we would have to cross the border again . [ The smugglers usually charge a lot of money to help people cross the border each time . ] " Ali went on to tell us of other attempts to journey to Basmane . Sometimes the Turkish guards would catch them . Once ISIS caught them . Another time it was the Free Syrian Army . " The Free Syrian Army let us go , but told us it was really dangerous where we were , and to take my family further along the border wall before crossing . We walked along the wall and found a ladder . Unfortunately there wasn 't a ladder on the other side of the wall . We all had to jump from the top of the wall , which was three meters high . While we crossed through the forest on the other side , the Turkish border guards must have heard something because they were searching the forest with flashlights . We tried to hide behind the trees . At one point a guard was on the other side of the tree that I was hiding behind . I didn 't breathe . The guards didn 't find us , and after some hours while they were rotating their shift , we ran through the forest to get to the road [ where the smugglers were waiting . ] The smugglers put us into the vans as usual . When we were driving , something went wrong . The driver was driving so erratically that I thought the van would tip over . Then the driver dropped us off in the middle of nowhere . He told us there was a village down the road and to find protection there . We went down the road and found some stables to hide in . After sleeping in the stables , we went to the village . In the village , the Turkish people chased us and yelled horrible things at us . They said we were dirty and we were ruining Turkey and things like that . Soon , the border guards came and arrested us . We were put back into the gymnasium prison and sent back to Syria . " After his twelfth attempt , Ali and his family were able to make it to Basmane and tell us his story . I asked him if I could write it down . He said I should make a film instead . By the time Ali had finished his story , the late afternoon had become late evening . We thanked the family for their hospitality and started packing our things to leave . Suddenly a woman appeared with a large tray of hot drinks for us . Usually families will offer us Syrian coffee or tea , but this time they had made a warm pudding with cinnamon poured over it . It tasted like Christmas . We continued talking and laughing long after the drinks were finished . The children had drawn elaborate pictures with the colouring supplies and spread them over the ground for us to see . Late evening had become true night . Still feeling warm and fuzzy from the spiced drinks , we finally got up and thanked the family again for their hospitality . Then the family invited us for dinner . Half and hour later we were all eating our fill of incredible Syrian food . The food was so good that we couldn 't stop talking about food . We took turns going around the room talking about our favourite Syrian dishes . When the men spoke about their favourites , their gestures became grandiose . Using their arms to measure larger and larger imaginary meals , as a fisherman measures his best catches , they recounted where to find the best ingredients and dishes in Raqqa , and then Syria in general . When the meal had finished and the woman had cleared the plates , we talked a little business with the main woman of the house . ReVi is always trying to find ways to utilize the skills of refugees in order to help them economically . With a baby on her breast , we worked out with her the best way to set up a small project with her . True night had become truely late . Finally , finally ; full of warmth and happiness , we filed out of the house . As we were saying our goodbyes , one of the girls who had made the journey here with Ali , grabbed our female volunteer . " We should be friends ! " she exclaimed happily in perfect , unaccented , English . " Please come again and we can have fun together ! " The Twelfth Try The Children of Basmane August 12 , 2016August 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithlovebasmane , child labor , children , izmir , kurdish , Nancy Ajram , photography , refugee crisis , refugee photography , refugees , syria , syrian refugees , trucker , turkey , yazidiLeave a comment This summer I spent more time in Izmir 's Syrian neighborhood of Basmane than anywhere else . One of the reasons I like Basmane so much is that it 's one of the most diverse places in Turkey . The population of Basmane consists almost entirely of refugees from every part of Syria . This means I can have coffee with an atheist Yazidi Kurdish intellectual from a mountain city , and go next door and have coffee with an Arab devout Muslim trucker from a tiny village in the middle of the desert . One of Basmane 's brightest stars is Nour , a 19 year old Syrian woman . I met Nour while I was teaching at a volunteer - run school for Syrian children . She was the dance teacher . I was the English teacher . Later , I heard that she also wrote for the Arabic facebook page of ReVi , which is the organization that we volunteer under . ( You can find more information about ReVi here . ) A couple months ago ReVi started a project where we gave children disposable cameras . The children took photos throughout their neighborhood . An idea for a book sprung from this project . To give the photos more context , we decided to interview the children of Basmane . These are the articles Nour wrote . According to everyone who has read Nours writing , she has a unique style , and it 's very beautiful . As an editor , I hope I have done these articles justice . Note : I have changed all the names of the children . Nadia was a shy 10 year old child who was full of dreams . When I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up , she told me she wanted to be a famous singer like Arabic popstar Nancy Ajram . " She 's my idol , " said Nadia . We talked a lot . I started the interview with a question about her friends . Nadia : I have one friend here . They 're Syrian like me . I don 't have any Turkish friends . I don 't think the Turkish people have love for me . Nadia then started talking about the photography project they did . " I was so happy when we were running through Izmir 's streets and taking photos . It was a really great day . When I saw the photos I felt proud of myself . I want to have another day like that . " Nadia : I was studying in Syria . I wanted to keep going to school there , but because of the war , I couldn 't . I also study here but I 'm not happy . Nadia : I don 't know why . Maybe I 'm afraid . Maybe I can 't cope . I got the feeling that she was scared in general , not just about school . Everything for her was unknown . She didn 't have confidence in herself . I changed the subject back to Syria . Nadia : I hope everything is beautiful in Syria . I don 't want to see children without education , or crying . I want to see everybody happy . Enough war . I don 't want to see people carrying weapons . I just want to plant love and flowers . Aysha , ten years old , told me that she loves reading and writing , but she 's still a beginner . She dreamed of being a teacher for children . She has four friends in Izmir , all of them Syrian . She loves them very much . Aysha had a lot of things to say about the war , violence , and sadness because she had direct experience with them . I was struck by her intelligence , clarity , and maturity . She talked like an adult , or maybe better . She told me about everything she saw in the war . " There was killing , blood , violence , right in front of me . Everything was so difficult . In the beginning I was afraid of everything , but eventually what I saw gave me strength instead of weakness . I have a lot of faith in Syria . I think it will go back to like it was before the war . Just like with me , the terrible things that Syria has witnessed will make it stronger . But it 's still hard to watch right now . I don 't watch the news because I don 't want to see my homeland like this . I want to see it be beautiful again . " After that , we talked about Aysha 's situation in Turkey . She explained the difference between life in Syria and life in Turkey . " My life here is not beautiful . Turkish language is not beautiful . It 's hard . I can 't learn it . As for school , I can 't learn there either . " I asked her , " Why ? What 's stopping you ? " She replied , " The world here doesn 't love me . We are Syrians and [ the Turkish people ] try to shame me for it . They want me to be embarrassed because I 'm from Syria . But I 'm not embarrassed . Never ! I am proud that I 'm Syrian . So many Turkish children give us a hard time . When they see a Syrian , they shout bad words . That makes me feel angry . I don 't want to stay here . My only dream is to come back to my homeland . I don 't want anything else . " Kemal was a fifteen year old young man who traveled from his home in Syria , to Izmir , Turkey . In Syria he studied up to the ninth grade , but couldn 't go further because he had to flee the war . He still dreams of becoming a nurse . In the future he wants to build a medical center . When I first started talking to him , I felt that he was closed off . I couldn 't be sure , but there seemed to be a certain sadness in his eyes . It was like there were many things inside him that were sad and painful . We start talking about his job and how employers and others treated him . " My job is to sew . Most of the Syrians who are living in Turkey work in this field . " He talked about how hard is it to work in Turkey , and the difference between Syria and Turkey . He saw big difference in treatment between the Turkish laborers and Syrian laborers . " A Syrian laborer is not allowed to do anything , but it 's exactly the opposite of the Turkish workers . In Syria there was time for everything . We could work , study , relax , have fun , etc . But in Turkey most of the time is spent working . It 's unfulfilling but I have to do it ! " I asked him why he had to work so hard . His answer surprised me . " I am alone here . My family isn 't with me . They are still in Syria . I talk to them once a month because the internet is so poor right now . That 's why I can 't contact my family . I 've been away from them for nine months now . " He had been holding back from crying , but wasn 't able to control himself after saying , " I really miss my family . " It is really affected me to see someone who misses their family so much , without being able to contact them . Kemal began talking with me about his thoughts of going back to Syria , but an auntie intervened , not letting him talk about that . I persisted , asking him , " Why did you decide to go back to Syria ? " He told me , " It isn 't enough for me to be near my family . I don 't want to just send them money every month , I want to go to my home with this money . " The Children of Basmane Nour July 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithloveanarchist collective , arab talk , basmane , border crossing , closed borders , criminal law , Damascus , didim , Farmakonisi , izmir , mafia , nour , Palestinian , Qamishli , refugee crisis , refugees , smugglers , syria , syrian war , turkey , united nations , yarmouk3 Comments I met Nour at an anarchist collective in Basmane which serves as an unofficial hub for volunteers . For a couple months we would see each other from time to time and talk briefly , since I was always in a rush off to somewhere . The first thing I noticed about Nour was her English . Her English was remarkably good . The way she used it had an uncompromising sharpness to it , as if the words she used were still bright and fresh ; untarnished by over generalization or cliche . Nour also had an unusually good memory . Sometimes I would see her weeks apart but she would pick up the conversation exactly where we had left off . Nour was a quiet child , the youngest , and the only girl of four siblings . The first thing she told me about her childhood was that she was spoiled . " Growing up , I had a laptop , video games , dolls , a phone … so many things . " One night her mother bought her a kite . She couldn 't wait to play with it , so that night she ran through the streets flying her kite . Nour also had a bike and would ride it everywhere . For fun , she would go to the store for her neighbors and bring them back food using her bike . The neighbors tried to pay for her bike service . But Nour would deny their payment . " It was just for fun , " says Nour . Nour was a sensitive child . She would break down and cry when other children were mean to her . If she saw a sick animal , she would take it in the house and care for it . She particularly hated seeing hurt animals . " Actually , I 'm still like this , " Nour admits while pointing at the scraggly cats outside her window of her home in Basmane . Like many sensitive children , Nour was also intelligent . Once her whole family went to a big park in Damascus , Syria 's capital city . There were lots of tall trees and enormous bushes . While playing , her and her cousins got lost . Scared and disoriented , the children around her started panicking . Nour calmed the group , telling them , " Don 't worry , we 'll find a way back . " She was then able to remember a sign she saw while they were playing . She recalled the sign like a photograph , and used the memory to guide the other children back to her family . For as long as she could remember , Nour was always like that . Her parents recognized her intelligence and put her on a path to become a doctor or lawyer . Nour grew up a big apartment in Yarmouk , is a Palestinian neighborhood close to Damascus . Her father had a successful dry cleaning business . It was part of a famous chain called , " Snow White . " Yarmouk before the war . Photo : https : / / alexioskonstantos . wordpress . com / Yarmouk was the kind of neighborhood in which children played freely on the street . Nour spent her childhood outside playing soccer , hopscotch , and hide and seek . She and the neighborhood children went to a special school for Palestinians set up by the UN free schools program . It was supposed to be only for Palestinians , but because it was better than normal Syrian school , sometimes Syrians would secretly go there too . One day , on her way to school Nour met a British man who worked for the British Council . His name was Michael , but she just called him , Mike . " Mike was tall and blonde , and very kind . Very cool , " Nour recalls . When he would see her , he would give her candy or biscuits . Once he gave her a Brain Adams tape . Nour still remembers the words to that tape . After around three months , Mike disappeared . Nour knocked on his door but nobody answered . " I knocked and knocked but there was nobody . He probably moved back to England . I was so sad . " Like many children , things changed for Nour when she started going to middle school . She had to leave her elementary school , which meant leaving her friends . She was lonely . Sometimes she got bored . She would ask to go the bathroom and skip class instead . The teachers said she was smart , but she hated school . High school wasn 't different . She hated that too . " I didn 't learn anything there , " says Nour . " The school was dirty and the principal was frightening . " The girls were naughty and the principal punished everyone collectively . The principal would hit the girls . " It was an awful place . " Nour would skip class a lot , but that hurt her grades . When she did stay in class , she only listened and didn 't participate . However , outside of class , Nour was became interested in everything . She studied German and took a class in first aid . During this time , the Second Intifada was raging in Palestine and she wanted to be in the resistance . She held meetings . In addition to studying German , Nour went to an American school to learn English . She still remembers Barbara , the American principal of the English school . " She was so sweet . I loved her so much . She was the opposite of the principal of her Syrian school ! " Nour also became interested in boys . Worrying for her future , her family wanted to put a veil on her , but she refused . " There was one boy who fell in love with me to the extent that he was stalking me , " recalls Nour . " But I didn 't care . I didn 't love him back . " By Nour 's last year in high school , her grades went from bad to worse , to the extent that she couldn 't graduate . But her family wouldn 't give up on their only daughter . Upon not graduating , they sent Nour to a private school . Seizing upon this blank slate , Nour decided to turn her life around . She went from skipping class to studying all night . " Once I stayed up studying for two nights in a row without sleeping . " In the private school she graduated first in her class . Everyone was surprised . They suspected that she had cheated . " But I didn 't , I just studied ! " exclaims Nour laughing . After graduating legitimately , Nour was able to go to university . In the beginning , she refused to be distracted by men , focussing solely on her studies . Her father and brothers warned her not to , ' go to anyone 's home or car . ' She thought this was a good idea and decided to always follow this advice . In her second year their advice was put to its first test when she met a Syrian man . " We actually met online , " said Nour , somewhat quietly . Nour 's friends had showed her a site called , Arab Talk . She started going there regularly , just to talk with people , but wound up meeting someone especially interesting . " After three or four months we fell in love . " Following her family 's advice , she never went home with him but sometimes they would meet at a restaurant . Eventually the man met Nour 's parents but , " They weren 't into him . They told me , ' You can do better . You 're going to become a lawyer . ' " His family didn 't like Nour either . She was Palestinian and he was Syrian , which members of both families had a problem with . Particularly the man 's mother . Nour 's boyfriend was the jealous type . He wanted her to wear a veil , and didn 't want her to wear makeup . He also didn 't want her to have a Facebook account . Nour didn 't have an account , but through a friend , she saw his profile . Then she understood . " His profile was full of girls and he was clearly cheating on me . " Nour was heartbroken . " I cried so much because of that guy . " In her third year of university , Nour began to focus on criminal law . When she was a girl , she had read Agatha Christie . " Her investigations were a big inspiration for me , " she says . Nour wanted to eventually become a judge , a job that would suit her strong personality and rationality . Recalling her decision , Nour explains , " I had ideas about developing my country . I believe countries should be built with fairness . The world would be better if it could be fair . " Nour eventually wanted to become a judge for the United Nations . On the final exam for her third year she got 96 / 100 . " I tried so hard to get 100 % ! But the professors never actually give 100 % . That 's their style . " says Nour . During her fourth year of university , the first signs of war came to Nour 's neighborhood . " When the protests began , nobody knew that war would follow . " According to Nour , when a protest went through her neighborhood the police did nothing until someone shot at them . Then the police returned fire . The shooting continued until 2 : 00am . In the coming weeks things only heated up . " When the first bomb exploded people ran out of their apartments to try to find where the sound came from . People were shouting , but just as when she was a child in the park , she wasn 't scared . " To be honest , I didn 't care that much , " admits Nour . Things were different when more violence came to her neighborhood . She felt faint . " Everybody was hiding . There was fighting . There was gunfire . The sounds of automatic weapons echoed across the buildings . There were also heavier weapons , like the kind of weapons that attach to cars . " The buildings shook from the noise and the shelling . The power went out . Nour looked out her window and saw that the battle was directly under her building . After six hours it finally stopped . Soon after that , Nour was at her university waiting to meet up with her friends . She had been waiting for a while . " I kept wondering , ' Where are they ? Where are they ? ' Then I saw them . They were flying . Then I woke up in the hospital . " In the hospital Nour didn 't appear too hurt from the shell that had killed her friends , but she had a high fever . " Something was seriously wrong with me . My muscles were feeling weaker every day . " The doctors decided that the fever had moved into her nerves . They did an operation to try to save her nerves , but after the operation , Nour was unable to move her feet , wrists , and hands . From that day forward , she has been unable to walk or use her hands . In the hospital she became extremely depressed . Her hands and feet were curled and paralyzed . Her friends had been killed in front of her . " I had a fiance who left me after hearing about my condition . I was so tired . " Her mood was black . The doctors worried about her and sent her to Lebanon . Her mother and one of her brothers , who had been hurt by a separate explosion , came with her . In Lebanon , Nour moved to a Palestinian area . Technically it was an old Palestinian " refugee camp . " In reality , it was more like a poor suburb . As the months and then years passed by , and the war in Syria became worse , Nour refused to abandon her dreams . " If I stopped caring about my future , I would whither away . " says Nour . She repeated this many times throughout the interview . Nour still wanted to complete her school and become a judge . She was only four classes away from graduating . However , now she had the added complication of needing an operation to fix her hands and feet . " The only place I can get this kind of operation is Europe , " explains Nour . Unfortunately , being Palestinian as well as being a refugee , banned her from using any kind of legitimate travel options . Currently , our international legal system has removed all obstacles for the Western college student who want to spend their spring break partying in Berlin , but locked out the college student who needs to finish their studies to become a judge in a nation in need of justice , as well as an operation to save her feet and hands . Nour couldn 't fly straight from Lebanon to Turkey , so she had to go back to Syria first . It was a little tricky because of the travel restrictions for Palestinians , but she was able to find a way for her mother , her brother , and her to do it . Her first stop was Damascus . After three years she was finally back home , but she couldn 't stay . If the rest of her family knew that she was in Damascus , they would prevent her from going further . " They knew how dangerous it was . I couldn 't even say , ' hello ' to them . It was so hard . " From Damascus , Nour , her mother , and her brother , flew to Qamishli ; a border city between Syria and Turkey . In Qamishli they joined a group of 35 - 40 people . A lot of the group consisted of children . The smugglers gave them a little food , though it had gone bad . There was no bathroom , especially not for people who couldn 't use their legs , and Nour was also on her period . They stayed there for a night waiting for the smugglers to tell the group when and and where to go . The smugglers told the group they would have a 10 - 15 minute window in which they could travel . They warned the group , ' If you fall , get up right away . If you see someone fall , just keep running . You don 't have time to stop . ' The man carrying Nour wasn 't sure if he could make it in time . The smugglers also told them that the route was through a minefield , so they had to twist and turn through the wilderness in a specific way to avoid the mines . Nour became afraid and got a fever . Suddenly the smugglers told them to go . The first man carrying her fell down twice . He hurt his hand . Nour was passed to another man . She was carried over his shoulder . It wasn 't very comfortable . Then she was passed to another . She recalls , " We could hear the Turkish border patrol coming so we all laid down . The patrol didn 't see us . " Finally , they were able to cross the border into Turkey . Smugglers immediately packed them into a windowless minibus and drove to Mardin , a Turkish city close - by . The bus was designed to hold 20 people , but 40 of them had been packed in . In the bus Nour couldn 't breath well , but she was so happy to have crossed the border . The smugglers told them , " Tomorrow you 'll be in Izmir . The next day , you 'll be in Greece . After that , Germany . " It sounded so simple , but the border crossing took a toll on her frail mother . Nour 's mother became sick and disoriented . Nour couldn 't leave her . Her friends left with the smugglers the next day . " They are living in Germany and the Netherlands now . They call me sometimes . " says Nour in a matter - of - fact tone . After her mother recovered , a relative that told them to go to the coastal city of Didim , which was only 11 . 5 kilometers away from the Greek island of Farmakonisi . The relative told them that he would help them find a smuggler to Farmakonisi . They stayed in Didim in a hotel , waiting night after night . After waiting for 12 nights , they decided to go to Izmir to find a smuggler themselves . In Izmir , they were able to find another smuggler , and joined with a group of 50 refugees . When night fell , they were led to a boat . It took the group an hour to walk to the boat . On the walk , Nour was carried by a Turkish man . " He was very scared . I could tell it was his first time doing this kind of thing . " When the group reached the boat , it was obvious that it was far too small to hold them . There were 50 people , including children and babies , but it could only fit around 20 . The driver of the boat told them they had no choice but to get in . The only alternative was to go back into the forest " … but the forest had dangerous animals and mafia prowling it , " explains Nour . Overcrowded boat . Photo : www . genf . diplo . de The smugglers draped Nour on the side of the boat and tied her legs together to keep them from flailing . She was very uncomfortable . " I prayed because I thought that this could be the last [ hour ] of my life . " After the boat starting moving , Nour started checking the GPS on her phone . She realized they weren 't going to Greece . " We were just going along the coast ! We spent 30 minutes along the coast of Turkey . I think the boat driver was too scared to go to Greece . " After half an hour , the driver thought he heard the Turkish Coast Guard coming . He panicked and crashed the boat against the rocks . The overcrowded boat quickly began filling with cold winter sea water . The driver jumped into the sea and swam away . Other men did the same . Those who couldn 't swim away began screaming . " We were sinking into the rocks , but I wasn 't scared . Believe me , I wasn 't scared . " After 30 minutes , the Turkish Coast Guard actually came . The Coast Guard and the refugees tried speaking to each other , but nobody could understand because of the language barrier . " All I understood them say was , ' No Greece . ' " After the Coast Guard rescued what was left of the group , they were taken to a detention center . " We were wet and it was cold . They made us sit on the floor , which was also cold . We were made to sit there for 12 hours ; wet , cold , and starving . I realized I had lost everything in the boat crash : my passport , my papers , my clothes , everything . I had nothing left . " After being released , the Turkish guards told the group that they were free to leave , but not to try to go to Greece again . Nour told them , " Of course I won 't leave . I love Turkey . " After the failed attempt to go to Greece , most of the group went to Izmir to get their money back from the smugglers . The smugglers were reluctant to comply until a rich man in the group was able to make some convincing threats . With most of their money back , the group went back to Didim and found a different smuggler . " A deal was made and we were put into a hotel room . We had to stay very quiet there . We couldn 't turn on the light at night , and in the day there wasn 't much light our room . There were no windows . " Again , a small windowless bus came to pick the group up . But this time Nour couldn 't get in the bus . She was claustrophobic . " I just couldn 't go in . " She recalls . " It was made to fit 15 people , but there were 40 of us . " Her mother went in the bus , but the smugglers decided to put Nour into a separate car . " This would have been OK , " says Nour , " except the driver wasn 't sober . He had brought his girlfriend along and they were drinking together . What should have been a short drive took an hour . We drove through strange back - streets and weird places . " Nour finally made it to the boat , but before they could take off , they heard the police coming . They ran into the forest . " We could see that the police were looking for us . We stayed still in the forest . It was so cold . Then we could hear the mafia looking for us . We knew it was the mafia because they acted and sounded different . " … We could see their flashlights searching the forest for us . We got down and hid . " While they were hiding , Nour could hear the howls of wolves and wild dogs . She was especially worried that a snake would find her in the darkness . " We weren 't sure what to do . We decided to walk back . Since we came by car we knew it would be a long walk back , especially in the forest . " Her mother had to carry Nour and she fell many times . Her brother tried to carry her , but being weak from a bomb explosion in Syria , he also fell . " After walking for hours like this we saw yellow lights . It was a house ! We approached the house and we were attacked by guard dogs . " Suddenly the guard dogs were called off . A man approached the group . " He saw that there were children with us and hurried us into his house . Being in the house was wonderful . It was so warm . So , so , warm . … The man of the house told us how dangerous this area was . He told us that there were , ' Lots of mafia and wild animals . ' … He drove us the hour back to Didim . " Back in Didim , Nour 's relative introduced the family to a different smuggler . By this time , the borders between Greece and Europe were closing completely , so people were getting desperate , including the Arab workers of the smugglers . Unusually , the Arab smugglers would be travelling with them the whole way to Europe , because this was also their last chance to escape . On the journey to the boat , an Iraqi man carried Nour . In the darkness of the forest at night , he thought Nour was a boy . " It was better he thought I was a boy , if you know what I mean . " recalls Nour . " The man kept telling me , ' Don 't be scared , don 't be scared , ' but the smugglers were carrying weapons to protect us against the mafia , which scared me . " When they got to the boat , Nour was put in the center . Someone was sitting on her legs , which was painful , but she didn 't want to say anything because if they tried to change positions , they might rock the boat and collapse it . After they set off to Greece , something went wrong and they spun in circles for while . After that , the motor died . People began to panic . They were saying the boat was sinking , though Nour could see that it wasn 't . Their panicking however , did start to collapse the boat . Things were getting dangerous . The Coast Guard eventually found them and brought them back to the same detention center . This time the group was held for two days . Again , they had to sit on the freezing floor . Again , in wet clothes . Again , without food . " We were so hungry . … Then the guards told us they were going to send us to a hotel . Instead , they put us on a bus that drove for eight hours . We were still without food . … and they began beating people . They beat a two year old child for playing . I was sure they were going to beat me as well . " Nour began to feel sick and faint again . When the bus reached Izmir , they dropped everyone off on the street and drove away . Soon after , a smuggler took Nour and her family into an apartment . He told them he could take them to Greece . They gave him the last of their money and he ran off with it . " We had no money left so we had to sleep on the street in Basmane . " Her brother and mother were frail . They were defenseless . It was a dark time . Then an Arab journalist discovered the family and put them in a hotel . A Norwegian journalist was also able to help . " Things are better now but I still don 't know how I 'm going to pay the rent this month . " says Nour . Two months ago , a man from the anarchist collective was brought to the family . He introduced the collective to Nour and her brother . Describing the collective Nour says , " They has helped me so much . They don 't have money , but they do their best . There are people from different countries and they have different skills . It 's nice to hang out there , and it helps me improve my English . … they don 't treat me like a ' refugee . ' When I 'm there , I 'm just a friend . … Sometimes we hang out there , sometimes we leave Basmane together and get some fresh air by the sea . " Since living on the street , there is no doubt that Nour is in a better place now . A friend has set up a crowdfunding page to help her raise funds so she can legitimately get to Germany , get her operation , and complete her Law degree . ( Which you can find here : https : / / www . youcaring . com / noor - oghlo - 592524 ) A British doctor has recently visited Nour and told her that with help she , " is likely that she could make a full recovery . " Other volunteers and friends ( usually volunteer - turned - friends ) have started looking for other ways to help her . She is also fortunate in that her mother is also the best cook in Basmane . When speaking of Nour , there is a universal love for her . She has a way of bringing everyone together and putting a smile on their faces . One volunteer - turned - friend writes , " [ Nour ] is one of the smartest and most vibrant people I met during the month and a half I just spent in Turkey . " Another writes , “… after the bombs , the fleeing , after crossing the formidably lethal Turkish border and having her dinghy sink on her way to Greece in the night , she 'll tell you in perfect English with a smile on her face that these hurdles just make things a little more exciting . " However , while the support of friends and volunteers is good to have , it never lasts long . Both of these friends have left Turkey since meeting Nour . As will I , and all the other volunteers she meets in Turkey . Luck and fortune in Basmane is relative . While Nour has the support of an international group of kind - hearted people , she still doesn 't know how she 's going to pay the rent this month . At the moment this future judge still balances on the fine line between living in the street , or sleeping with a pillow . Nour Basmane July 12 , 2016July 12 , 2016 fromizmirwithlove5250 street , basmane , izmir , refugee crisis , travel , turkey2 Comments I originally started writing this about someone I met in Basmane , but I 've decided to make that an entirely different article . This one will just be about Basmane . The second article will be about the woman I met . Most of the refugees in Izmir live in a neighborhood called Basmane . It is in an old section of the city , built on the side of a hill . Basmane is made up almost entirely of apartments converted from ancient mansions , abandoned churches , and other structures built a dozen generations ago . The apartments are in a state of arrested repair , or simply falling apart , but their aged beauty still reverberates down every street . I do not know the history of Basmane but I believe the street layout was planned by giving a one year child a crayon and paper and telling them to have a go at it . To complicate things more , all the streets are randomly numbered rather than named . It 's almost impossible to remember addresses and give directions . For example , here are directions for the half - mile walk from the train station to the castle : Take 1297 street to 967 street . 967 street turns into 1291 street , which turns into 954 street , then turn right at 1021 street , then turn right 1023 street , which becomes 1008 street . Turn right on 5262 street then right 5263 street , then right on 5260 street , then right on 5264 street , then right on 5250 street , which will bring you to the castle 🙂 I 'm not complaining . Basmane is my favourite place in Izmir . I spend most of my time there . Packed to the brim with people from every part of Syria and Iraq , I hear languages that haven 't been named and see clothes I cannot describe . The streets are lined with grandmas who look at least 150 and full of packs of playing children . Because I teach the children ( and some adults ) here , I am always recognized . Most of what I hear when I walk through the streets is , " ' ello ! ' ello ! ' ello ! " Children shouting from the windows , from the streets above and below me , sometimes even from the cars , " ' ello ! ' ello ! ' ello ! " It is a neighborhood full of life , action , and laughter . Of course , it is also a neighborhood of hardship . Only the smugglers , the mafia , and a few volunteers choose to live in Basmane . The rest are here because of other reasons . Recently , I 've had time to start asking how people how they got here . |
When he smiled , the v 's of his chin , mouth , and brows grew longer . " I know , but I 've got to go out and save a life . " He nodded at the telephone . " Somebody 's scaring Max Bliss . " Spade shrugged . " That 's not the worst thing he 's done . " He lit his cigarette , stood up , and reached for his hat . " But he 's all right now . All Samuel Spade clients are honest , God - fearing folk . If I 'm not back at closing time just run along . " He went to a tall apartment building on Nob Hill , pressed a button set in the frame of a door marked 10K . The door was opened immediately by a burly dark man in wrinkled dark clothes . He was nearly bald and carried a gray hat in one hand . A man appeared in the vestibule behind Tom . He was smaller than either Spade or Tom , but compactly built . He had a ruddy , square face and a close - trimmed , grizzled mustache . His clothes were neat . He wore a black bowler perched on the back of his head . " B - 1 - i - s - s , M - a - x , " Spade spelled patiently . " I want to see him . He wants to see me . Catch on ? " Tom laughed . Dundy did not . Tom said , " Only one of you gets your wish . " Then he glanced sidewise at Dundy and abruptly stopped laughing . He seemed uncomfortable . Spade replied in a deliberate monotone , " He called me up this afternoon - say at five minutes to four - I looked at my watch after he hung up and there was still a minute or so to go - and said somebody was after his scalp . He wanted me to come over . It seemed real enough to him - it was up in his neck all right . " He made a small gesture with one hand . " Well , here I am . " The dead man lay with his mouth open . Some of his clothes had been taken off . His throat was puffy and dark . The end of his tongue showing in a corner of his mouth was bluish , swollen . On his bare chest , over the heart , a five - pointed star had been outlined in black ink and in the center of it a T . " About , " Tom said . " We moved him around a little . " He jerked a thumb at the shirt , undershirt , vest , and coat lying on a table . " They were spread over the floor . " Tom said , " We got it at four - twenty . His daughter gave it to us . " He moved his head to indicate a closed door . " You 'll see her . " " Heaven knows , " Tom said wearily . " She 's been kind of hard to get along with so far . " He turned to Dundy . " Want to try her again now ? " Dundy nodded , then spoke to one of the men at the window . " Start sifting his papers , Mack . He 's supposed to 've been threatened . " A man came in from the corridor , a heavy man of fifty with a deeply lined , grayish face under a broad - brimmed black hat . He said , " Hello , Sam , " and then told Dundy , " He had company around half past two , stayed just about an hour . A big blond man in brown , maybe forty or forty - five . Didn 't send his name up . I got it from the Filipino in the elevator that rode him both ways . " The gray - faced man shook his head . " But he 's sure it wasn 't more than half past three when he left . He says the afternoon papers came in then , and this man had ridden down with him before they came . " He pushed his hat back to scratch his head , then pointed a thick finger at the design inked on the dead man 's breast and asked somewhat plaintively , " What the deuce do you suppose that thing is ? " " He says he could , but that ain 't always the same thing . Says he never saw him before . " He stopped looking at the dead man . " The girl 's getting me a list of his phone calls . How you been , Sam ? " " Postmarked Paris , " he said , " the second of the month . " He counted swiftly on his fingers . " That would get it here today , all right . " He folded the message slowly , put it in the envelope , put the envelope in his coat pocket . " Keep digging , " he told the man who had found the message . Spade went to the telephone , called a number , and asked for Mr . Darrell . Then : " Hello , Harry , this is Sam Spade . . . . Fine . How 's Lil ? . . . Yes . … Listen , Harry , what does a five - pointed star with a capital T in the middle mean ? . . . What ? How do you spell it ? … Yes , I see . . . . And if you found it on a body ? . . . Neither do I . … Yes , and thanks . I 'll tell you about it when I see you . . . . Yes , give me a ring . . . . Thanks . . . . ' By . " Dundy and Tom were watching him closely when he turned from the telephone . He said , " That 's a fellow who knows things sometimes . He says it 's a pentagram with a Greek tau - t - a - u - in the middle ; a sign magicians used to use . Maybe Rosicrucians still do . " Spade went to the table and looked down at the little pile of watch and chain , keys , wallet , address book , money , gold pencil , handkerchief , and spectacle case beside the clothing . He did not touch them , but slowly picked up , one at a time , the dead man 's shirt , undershirt , vest , and coat . A blue necktie lay on the table beneath them . He scowled irritably at it . " It hasn 't been worn , " he complained . The gray - faced man came in . " The papers got here at three - thirty , all right , " he said . His eyes widened a little . " What 's up ? " As he crossed the room towards them he said , " I can 't find anybody that saw Blondy sneak back in here again . " He looked uncomprehendingly at the necktie until Tom growled , " It 's brand - new " ; then he whistled softly . Dundy turned to Spade . " The deuce with all this , " he said bitterly . " He 's got a brother with reasons for not liking him . The brother just got out of stir . Somebody who looks like his brother left here at half past three . Twenty - five minutes later he phoned you he 'd been threatened . Less than half an hour after that his daughter came in and found him dead - strangled . " He poked a finger at the small , dark - faced man 's chest . " Right ? " " O . K . " Dundy turned to Spade again . " We find a threatening letter . Maybe that 's what he was telling you about , maybe it was something his brother said to him . Don 't let 's guess . Let 's stick to what we know . We know he - " I am writing this to tell you for the last time that I want my money back , and I want it back by the first of the month , all of it . If I don 't get it I am going to do something about it , and you ought to be able to guess what I mean . And don 't think I am kidding . Yours truly , He grinned . " That 's another T for you . " He picked up an envelope . " Postmarked San Diego , the twenty - fifth of last month . " He grinned again . " And that 's another city for you . " " We 'll talk to her . " Dundy turned on his heel , then suddenly frowned at the dead man on the floor . He jerked a thumb at the small , dark - faced man . " Through with it ? " The girl lay , elbow on pillow , cheek on hand , facing the big - boned , ugly woman . She was apparently about eighteen years old . She wore a gray suit . Her hair was blonde and short , her face firm - featured and remarkably symmetrical . She did not look at the two men coming into the room . " I mean what I said . He 'd been threatened . He called up Mr . Spade " - he indicated Spade with a nod - " and told him so just a few minutes before he was killed . " " Not since , " she began , and bit her lip . Then she said , " Of course , you know . Not since he first got out of prison . " A woman came in behind him , slowly , hesitantly . She was a tall woman in her late twenties , blonde , not quite plump . Her features were generous , her face pleasant and intelligent . She wore a ' small brown hat and a mink coat . Mrs . Bliss caught her breath . Bliss 's arm tightened around his niece with a little jerk , but there was not yet any change in his face . " Murdered ? " he repeated uncompre - hendingly . " About an hour . I got here about half past two and - " He turned to his wife . " It was almost half past three when I phoned you , wasn 't it ? " " No . I phoned his office " - he nodded at his wife - " and was told he 'd left for home , so I came on up . I wanted to see him before Elise and I left , of course , and I wanted him to come to the wedding , but he couldn 't . He said he was expecting somebody . We sat here and talked longer than I had intended , so I had to phone Elise to meet me at the Municipal Building . " " That we met there ? " Bliss looked inquiringly at his wife , who said , " It was just quarter to four . " She laughed a little . " I got there first and I kept looking at my watch . " Bliss said very deliberately , " It was a few minutes after four that we were married . We had to wait for Judge Whitefield - about ten minutes , and it was a few more before we got started - to get through with the case he was hearing . You can check it up - Superior Court , Part Two , I think . " Bliss stood up . " Well , what ? " he asked impatiently . " Did I hold a grudge against him for that ? No . Why should I ? We were both in it . He could get out ; I couldn 't . I was sure of being convicted whether he was or not . Having him sent over with me wasn 't going to make it any better for me . We talked it over and decided I 'd go it alone , leaving him outside to pull things together . And he did . If you look up his bank account you 'll see he gave me a check for twenty - five thousand dollars two days after I was discharged from San Quentin , and the registrar of the National Steel Corporation can tell you a thousand shares of stock have been transferred from his name to mine since then . " Dundy looked at Spade . Spade 's face was wooden . Dundy glowered at him , then put a question to the man on the bed : " What kind of necktie was your brother wearing when you saw him last ? " Bliss blinked , then stared distantly past Dundy , and finally shut his eyes . When he opened them he said , " It was green with - I 'd know it if I saw it . Why ? " " Today ? About one o ' clock . I had a luncheon engagement for one and I was a little late , and then I went shopping , and then - " She broke off with a shudder . " I f - found Father lying there and I phoned - I don 't know whether I phoned downstairs or the police , and then I don 't know what I did . I fainted or had hysterics or something , and the first thing I remember is coming to and finding those men here and Mrs . Hooper . " She looked him full in the face now . She put a hand to her throat . " I don 't remember what I did , " she said earnestly . " I think I just knew he was dead . " She worked her hands together and looked at them and said , " I suppose so . It was awful . I don 't know what I thought or did . " Spade leaned forward and made his voice low and persuasive . " I 'm not a police detective , Miss Bliss . I was engaged by your father - a few minutes too late to save him . I am , in a way , working for you now , so if there is anything I can do - maybe something the police wouldn 't - " He broke off as Dundy , followed by the Blisses and the housekeeper , returned to the room . " What luck ? " Dundy said , " The green tie 's not there . " His suspicious gaze darted from Spade to the girl . " Mrs . Hooper says the blue tie we found is one of half a dozen he just got from England . " Tom came to the door . " Checks all right , " he told Dundy . " The judge and a bailiff named Kittredge say they were there from about a quarter to four till five or ten minutes after . I told Kittredge to come over and take a look at them to make sure they 're the same ones . " Dundy said , " Right , " without turning his head and took the penciled threat signed with the T in a star from his pocket . He folded it so only the signature was visible . Then he asked , " Anybody know what this is ? " " Anybody know anything about it ? " Dundy asked . Mrs . Hooper said , " It 's like what was on poor Mr . Bliss 's chest , but - " The others said , " No . " Bliss smiled too . " It 's all right . " His smile broadened . " As a matter of fact , I 'm a liar . We weren 't actually together all the time . I went out into the corridor to smoke a cigarette , but I assure you every time I looked through the glass of the door I could see her still sitting in the courtroom where I had left her . " Spade 's smile was as light as Bliss 's . Nevertheless , he asked , " And when you weren 't looking through the glass you were in sight of the door ? She couldn 't 've left the courtroom without your seeing her ? " Spade said , " Thanks , " and followed Dundy into the living - room , shutting the door behind him . Dundy looked sidewise at Spade . " Anything to it ? " Spade shrugged . Max Bliss 's body had been removed . Besides the man at the secretaire and the gray - faced man , two Filipino boys in plum - colored uniforms were in the room . They sat close together on the sofa . Dundy said , " Mack , I want to find a green necktie . I want this house taken apart , this block taken apart , and the whole neighborhood taken apart till you find it . Get what men you need . " They shook their heads in unison from side to side . " Nobody else , sir , " the smaller one said . A desperately ingratiating smile stretched his mouth wide across his face . The larger boy 's head bobbed up and down . " Yes , sir . Yes , sir . I bring them up . I think you mean other people . " He too tried a smile . " No , sir . Another gentleman , not an American gentleman . " He had raised his head again and now brightness came back into his face . " I think he is Armenian . " The boy lifted his shoulders , spread his hands . " He tall , like this gentleman . " He indicated Spade . " Got dark hair , dark mustache . Very " - he frowned earnestly - " very nice clothes . Very nice - looking man . Cane , gloves , spats , | even , and - " Miriam Bliss came slowly into the living - room followed by her uncle , and Spade shut the door behind them . Miss Bliss 's lower lip twitched a little when she saw the elevator boys . She looked apprehensively at Dundy . Her lower lip twitched again . " Wh - what ? " She tried to put bewilderment on her face . Theodore Bliss hastily crossed the room , stood for a moment before her as if he intended to say something , and then , apparently changing his mind , took up a position behind her , his arms crossed over the back of a chair . " The man who came in with you , " Dundy said harshly , rapidly . " Who is he ? Where is he ? Why 'd he leave ? Why didn 't you say anything about him ? " The girl put her hands over her face and began to cry . " He didn 't have anything to do with it , " she blubbered through her hands . " He didn 't , and it would just make trouble for him . " She took her hands away from her face . " Oh , but he had to , " she cried . " His wife is so jealous , and if she knew he had been with me again she 'd certainly divorce him , and he hasn 't a cent in the world of his own . " Dundy looked at Spade . Spade looked at the goggling Filipinos and jerked a thumb at the outer door . " Scram , " he said . They went out quickly . Spade , leaning far over , caught her as she fell . He lifted her easily and carried her into the bedroom . When he came back he shut the door behind him and leaned against it . " Whatever the rest of it was , " he said , " the faint 's a phony . " Dundy 's voice was disagreeable . " You got nothing to worry about , " he said to Spade . " Even your client 's dead and can 't complain . But if I don 't come across I 've got to stand for riding from the captain , the chief , the newspapers , and heaven knows who all . " " Stay with it , " Spade said soothingly ; " you 'll catch a murderer sooner or later yet . " His face became serious except for the lights in his yellow - gray eyes . " I don 't want to run this job up any more alleys than we have to , but don 't you think we ought to check up on the funeral the housekeeper said she went to ? There 's something funny about that woman . " Spade twisted himself around on the sofa until he was looking into her deep - set , steady eyes . " Don 't worry about that , " he said , flirting a hand toward the door Tom had gone through . " Just routine . " He pursed his lips , asked , " What do you honestly think of this thing , Mrs . Hooper ? " She replied calmly , in her strong , somewhat harsh voice , " I think it 's the judgment of God . " Dundy stopped pacing the floor . Spade said , " What ? " Dundy began to advance towards Mrs . Hooper in the manner of one stalking game . Spade waved him back with a hand which the sofa hid from the woman . His face and voice showed interest , but were now as composed as the woman 's . " Sin ? " he asked . Dundy barked a question at her : " What little one ? " She turned her grave gray eyes on him , then looked past him at the bedroom door . " Her , " she said ; " Miriam . " Dundy frowned at her , " His daughter ? " The woman said , " Yes , his own adopted daughter . " Angry blood mottled Dundy 's square face . " What the heck is this ? " he demanded . He shook his head as if to free it from some clinging thing . " She 's not really his daughter ? " The woman 's serenity was in no way disturbed by his anger . " No . His wife was an invalid most of her life . They didn 't have any children . " Spade interrupted her , taking pains to speak very clearly , moving one hand in small circles with his words . " You mean you don 't actually know he 's been gypping her ? You just suspect it ? " Dundy looked at Spade , Spade at Dundy , and Spade 's eyes were shiny with not altogether pleasant merriment . Dundy cleared his throat and addressed the woman again . " And you think this " - he waved a hand at the floor where the dead man had lain - " was the judgment of God , huh ? " " It 's not for me to say , " she replied . Red began to mottle his face again . " That 'll be all right now , " he said in a choking voice , but by the time she had reached the bedroom door his eyes became alert again and he called , " Wait a minute . " And when they were facing each other : " Listen , do you happen to be a Rosicrucian ? " He growled , " All right , all right , " and turned his back on her . She went into the bedroom and shut the door . He wiped his forehead with the palm of his right hand and complained wearily , " Great Scott , what a family . " Dundy 's face whitened . His lips , almost colorless , came back tight over his teeth . He balled his fists and lunged towards Spade . " What do you - ? " The pleasantly surprised look on Spade 's face stopped him . He averted his eyes , wet his lips with the tip of his tongue , looked at Spade again and away , essayed an embarrassed smile , and mumbled , " You mean any family . Uh - huh , I guess so . " He turned hastily towards the corridor door as the doorbell rang . Dundy had gone to the bedroom door to call Theodore Bliss and his wife . Kittredge looked at them , smiled at them amiably , said , " How do you do ? " and turned to Dundy . " That 's them , all right . " He looked around as if for a place to spit , found none , and said , " It was just about ten minutes to four that the gentleman there came in the courtroom and asked me how long His Honor would be , and I told him about ten minutes , and they waited there ; and right after court adjourned at four o ' clock we married them . " Smekalov began to speak immediately . His accent was not heavy enough to trouble his hearers much , though his r 's sounded more like w 's . " Lieutenant , I must beg of you that you keep this confidential . If it should get out it will ruin me , Lieutenant , ruin me completely and most unjustly . I am most innocent , sir , I assure you , in heart , spirit , and deed , not only innocent , but in no way whatever connected with any part of the whole horrible matter . There is no - " " Wait a minute . " Dundy prodded Smekalov 's chest with a blunt finger . " Nobody 's said anything about you being mixed up in anything - but it 'd looked better if you 'd stuck around . " The young man spread his arms , his palms forward , in an expansive gesture . " But what can I do ? I have a wife who - " He shook his head violently . " It is impossible . I cannot do it . " " Wouldn 't want to . " Dundy seemed , in his callous way , sorry for the young man . " Murder 's nothing to play with in this country . " The young man looked as if he would like to say " Yes . " He said , " No , " slowly , then went on with increasing rapidity : " But that was nothing , sir , nothing at all . We had been to lunch . I escorted her home and she said , ' Will you come in for a cocktail ? ' and I would . That is all , I give you my word . " He held out his hands , palms up . " Could it not have happened so to you ? " He moved his hands in Spade 's direction . " To you ? " The bedroom door opened and Miriam Bliss came into the room . " Why don 't you leave him alone ? " she asked indignantly . " I told you he had nothing to do with it . I told you he didn 't know anything about it . " She was beside Smekalov now and had one of his hands in hers . " You 're simply making trouble for him without doing a bit of good . I 'm awfully sorry , Boris , I tried to keep them from bothering you . " " You tried , all right , " Dundy agreed . He addressed Spade : " Could it 've been like this , Sam ? Bliss found out about the wife , knew they had the lunch date , came home early to meet them when they came in , threatened to tell the wife , and was choked to stop him . " He looked sidewise at the girl . " Now , if you want to fake another faint , hop to it . " The young man screamed and flung himself at Dundy , clawing with both hands . Dundy grunted - " Uh ! " - and struck him in the face with a heavy fist . The young man went backwards across the room until he collided with a chair . He and the chair went down on the floor together . Dundy said to the gray - faced man , " Take him down to the Hall - material witness . " Theodore Bliss , his wife , and the housekeeper had come to the door Miriam Bliss had left open . Miriam Bliss was crying , stamping her foot , threatening Dundy : " I 'll report you , you coward . You had no right to . . . " and so on . Nobody paid much attention to her ; they watched the gray - faced man help Smekalov to his feet , take him away . Smekalov 's nose and mouth were red smears . Then Dundy said , " Hush , " negligently to Miriam Bliss and took a slip of paper from his pocket . " I got a list of the calls from here today . Sing out when you recognize them . " Mrs . Hooper said , " That is the butcher . I phoned him before I left this morning . " She said the next number Dundy read was the grocer 's . " That 's the St . Mark , " Miriam Bliss said . " I called up Boris . " She identified two more numbers as those of friends she had called . The telephone rang . Spade answered it . " Hello . . . . No , this is Spade . Wait a min - All right . " He listened . " Right , I 'll tell him . … I don 't know . I 'll have him call you . . . . When he turned from the telephone Dundy was standing , hands behind him , in the vestibule doorway . Spade said , " O ' Gar says your Russian went completely nuts on the way to the Hall . They had to shove him into a strait - jacket . " " Blood 's better , " Spade was saying . " It gives a reason for taking the tie away . Let 's go in and talk to people . " They went into the living - room . Dundy looked from Bliss to Bliss 's wife , to Bliss 's niece , to the housekeeper , as if he did not like any of them . He took his fist from his pocket , thrust it straight out in front of him , and opened it to show the crescent pin lying in his hand . " What 's that ? " he demanded . Dundy was surveying them one by one again , as if he liked them less than ever . His face was red . " He always wore it , " he said angrily , " but there wasn 't one of you could say , ' Father always wore a pin . Where is it ? ' No , we got to wait till it turns up before we can get a word out of you about it . " " Never mind what you were to know , " Dundy said . " It 's coming around to the point where I 'm going to do some talking about what I know . " He took the green necktie from his pocket . " This is his tie ? " Dundy said , " Well , it 's got blood on it , and it 's not his blood , because he didn 't have a scratch on him that we could see . " He looked narrow - eyed from one to another of them . " Now , suppose you were trying to choke a man that wore a scarfpin and he was wrestling with you , and - " Spade had crossed to where Mrs . Hooper was standing . Her big hands were clasped in front of her . He took her right hand , turned it over , took the wadded handkerchief from her palm , and there was a two - inch - long fresh scratch in the flesh . Spade made a peculiar noise in his throat as he dropped her hand . " Well , let 's see how we stand . " He grinned at Dundy . " You don 't like that star - T , do you ? " " Neither do I , " Spade said . " The Talbot threat was probably on the level , but that debt seems to have been squared . Now - Wait a minute . " He went to the telephone and called his office . " The tie thing looked pretty funny , too , for a while , " he said while he waited , " but I guess the blood takes care of that . " He spoke into the telephone : " Hello , Effie . Listen : Within half an hour or so of the time Bliss called me , did you get any call that maybe wasn 't on the level ? Anything that could have been a stall … Yes , before … Think now . He spoke into the telephone again : " Yes ? . . . Yes . . . Kruger ? . . . Yes . Man or woman ? . . . Thanks . . . . No , I 'll be through in half an hour . Wait for me and I 'll buy your dinner . ' By . " " I don 't know , " Spade said blandly . " I never heard of him . " He took tobacco and cigarette papers from his pockets . " All right , Bliss , where 's your scratch ? " " Your scratch , " Spade repeated in a consciously patient tone . His attention was on the cigarette he was making . " The place where your brother 's pin gouged you when you were choking him . " " Uh - huh , you were being married when he was killed . You were not . " Spade moistened the edge of his cigarette paper and smoothed it with his forefingers . " Who says Max Bliss called me ? " Spade asked . " I don 't know that . I wouldn 't know his voice . All I know is a man called me and said he was Max Bliss . Anybody could say that . " He shook his head and smiled . " They show I had a call from here , and I did , but not that one . I told you somebody called up half an hour or so before the supposed Max Bliss call and asked for Mr . Kruger . " He nodded at Theodore Bliss . " He was smart enough to get a call from this apartment to my office on the record before he left to meet you . Spade did not let him finish that sentence . " You know he went out to smoke a cigarette in the corridor while waiting for the judge , and he knew there were telephone booths in the corridor . A minute would be all he needed . " He lit his cigarette and returned his lighter to his pocket . Bliss said , " Nonsense ! " more sharply . " Why should I want to kill Max ? " He smiled reassuringly into his wife 's horrified eyes . " Don 't let this disturb you , dear . Police methods are sometimes - " Spade drank coffee , shrugged . " What for ? She knows now that he made his play for her only because she was Max 's secretary . She knows that when he took out the marriage license a couple of weeks ago it was only to string her along so she 'd get him the photostatic copies of the records that tied Max up with the Graystone Loan swindle . She knows - Well , she knows she wasn 't just helping an injured innocent to clear his good name . " He took another sip of coffee . " So he calls on his brother this afternoon to hold San Quentin over his head for a price again , and there 's a fight , and he kills him , and gets his wrist scratched by the pin while he 's choking him . Blood on the tie , a scratch on his wrist - that won 't do . He takes the tie off the corpse and hunts up another , because the absence of a tie will set the police to thinking . He gets a bad break there : Max 's new ties are on the front of the rack , and he grabs the first one he comes to . All right . Now he 's got to put it around the dead man 's neck - or wait - he gets a better idea . Pull off some more clothes and puzzle the police . The tie 'll be just as inconspicuous off as on , if the shirt 's off too . Undressing him , he gets another idea . He 'll give the police something else to worry about , so he draws a mystic sign he has seen somewhere on the dead man 's chest . " Spade emptied his cup , set it down , and went on : " By now he 's getting to be a regular master - mind at bewildering the police . A threatening letter signed with the thing on Max 's chest . The afternoon mail is on the desk . One envelope 's as good as another so long as it 's typewritten and has no return address , but the one from France adds a touch of the foreign , so out comes the original letter and in goes the threat . He 's overdoing it now ; see ? He 's giving us so much that 's wrong that we can 't help suspecting things that seem all right - the phone call , for instance . " Well , he 's ready for the phone calls now - his alibi . He picks my name out of the private detectives in the phone book and does the Mr . Kruger trick ; but that 's after he calls the blonde Elise and tells her that not only have the obstacles to their marriage been removed , but he 's had an offer to go in business in New York and has to leave right away , and will she meet him in fifteen minutes and get married ? There 's more than just an alibi to that . He wants to make sure she is dead sure he didn 't kill Max , because she knows he doesn 't like Max , and he doesn 't want her to think he was just stringing her along to get the dope on Max , because she might be able to put two and two together and get something like the right answer . " With that taken care of , he 's ready to leave . He goes out quite openly , with only one thing to worry about now - the tie and pin in his pocket . He takes the pin along because he 's not sure the police mightn 't find traces of blood around the setting of the stones , no matter how carefully he wipes it . On his way out he picks up a newspaper - buys one from the newsboy he meets at the street door - wads tie and pin up in a piece of it , and drops it in the rubbish can at the corner . That seems all right . No reason for the police to look for the tie . No reason for the street cleaner who empties the can to investigate a crumpled piece of newspaper , and if something does go wrong - what the deuce ! - the murderer dropped it there , but he , " Then he jumps in his car and drives to the Municipal Building . He knows there are plenty of phones there and he can always say he 's got to wash his hands , but it turns out he doesn 't have to . While they 're waiting for the judge to get through with a case he goes out to smoke a cigarette , and there you are - ' Mr . Spade , this is Max Bliss and I 've been threatened . ' " " Playing safe . If the body had been found , meanwhile , the police might 've heard of it and trace the call . A private detective wouldn 't be likely to hear about it till he read it in the papers . " " Luck ? I don 't know . " He looked gloomily at the back of his left hand . " I hurt a knuckle stopping him and the job only lasted an afternoon . Chances are whoever 's handling the estate 'll raise hob if I send them a bill for any decent amount of money . " He raised a hand to attract the waiter 's attention . " Oh , well , better luck next time . Want to catch a movie or have you got something else to do ? " |
When he smiled , the v 's of his chin , mouth , and brows grew longer . " I know , but I 've got to go out and save a life . " He nodded at the telephone . " Somebody 's scaring Max Bliss . " Spade shrugged . " That 's not the worst thing he 's done . " He lit his cigarette , stood up , and reached for his hat . " But he 's all right now . All Samuel Spade clients are honest , God - fearing folk . If I 'm not back at closing time just run along . " He went to a tall apartment building on Nob Hill , pressed a button set in the frame of a door marked 10K . The door was opened immediately by a burly dark man in wrinkled dark clothes . He was nearly bald and carried a gray hat in one hand . A man appeared in the vestibule behind Tom . He was smaller than either Spade or Tom , but compactly built . He had a ruddy , square face and a close - trimmed , grizzled mustache . His clothes were neat . He wore a black bowler perched on the back of his head . " B - 1 - i - s - s , M - a - x , " Spade spelled patiently . " I want to see him . He wants to see me . Catch on ? " Tom laughed . Dundy did not . Tom said , " Only one of you gets your wish . " Then he glanced sidewise at Dundy and abruptly stopped laughing . He seemed uncomfortable . Spade replied in a deliberate monotone , " He called me up this afternoon - say at five minutes to four - I looked at my watch after he hung up and there was still a minute or so to go - and said somebody was after his scalp . He wanted me to come over . It seemed real enough to him - it was up in his neck all right . " He made a small gesture with one hand . " Well , here I am . " The dead man lay with his mouth open . Some of his clothes had been taken off . His throat was puffy and dark . The end of his tongue showing in a corner of his mouth was bluish , swollen . On his bare chest , over the heart , a five - pointed star had been outlined in black ink and in the center of it a T . " About , " Tom said . " We moved him around a little . " He jerked a thumb at the shirt , undershirt , vest , and coat lying on a table . " They were spread over the floor . " Tom said , " We got it at four - twenty . His daughter gave it to us . " He moved his head to indicate a closed door . " You 'll see her . " " Heaven knows , " Tom said wearily . " She 's been kind of hard to get along with so far . " He turned to Dundy . " Want to try her again now ? " Dundy nodded , then spoke to one of the men at the window . " Start sifting his papers , Mack . He 's supposed to 've been threatened . " A man came in from the corridor , a heavy man of fifty with a deeply lined , grayish face under a broad - brimmed black hat . He said , " Hello , Sam , " and then told Dundy , " He had company around half past two , stayed just about an hour . A big blond man in brown , maybe forty or forty - five . Didn 't send his name up . I got it from the Filipino in the elevator that rode him both ways . " The gray - faced man shook his head . " But he 's sure it wasn 't more than half past three when he left . He says the afternoon papers came in then , and this man had ridden down with him before they came . " He pushed his hat back to scratch his head , then pointed a thick finger at the design inked on the dead man 's breast and asked somewhat plaintively , " What the deuce do you suppose that thing is ? " " He says he could , but that ain 't always the same thing . Says he never saw him before . " He stopped looking at the dead man . " The girl 's getting me a list of his phone calls . How you been , Sam ? " " Postmarked Paris , " he said , " the second of the month . " He counted swiftly on his fingers . " That would get it here today , all right . " He folded the message slowly , put it in the envelope , put the envelope in his coat pocket . " Keep digging , " he told the man who had found the message . Spade went to the telephone , called a number , and asked for Mr . Darrell . Then : " Hello , Harry , this is Sam Spade . . . . Fine . How 's Lil ? . . . Yes . … Listen , Harry , what does a five - pointed star with a capital T in the middle mean ? . . . What ? How do you spell it ? … Yes , I see . . . . And if you found it on a body ? . . . Neither do I . … Yes , and thanks . I 'll tell you about it when I see you . . . . Yes , give me a ring . . . . Thanks . . . . ' By . " Dundy and Tom were watching him closely when he turned from the telephone . He said , " That 's a fellow who knows things sometimes . He says it 's a pentagram with a Greek tau - t - a - u - in the middle ; a sign magicians used to use . Maybe Rosicrucians still do . " Spade went to the table and looked down at the little pile of watch and chain , keys , wallet , address book , money , gold pencil , handkerchief , and spectacle case beside the clothing . He did not touch them , but slowly picked up , one at a time , the dead man 's shirt , undershirt , vest , and coat . A blue necktie lay on the table beneath them . He scowled irritably at it . " It hasn 't been worn , " he complained . The gray - faced man came in . " The papers got here at three - thirty , all right , " he said . His eyes widened a little . " What 's up ? " As he crossed the room towards them he said , " I can 't find anybody that saw Blondy sneak back in here again . " He looked uncomprehendingly at the necktie until Tom growled , " It 's brand - new " ; then he whistled softly . Dundy turned to Spade . " The deuce with all this , " he said bitterly . " He 's got a brother with reasons for not liking him . The brother just got out of stir . Somebody who looks like his brother left here at half past three . Twenty - five minutes later he phoned you he 'd been threatened . Less than half an hour after that his daughter came in and found him dead - strangled . " He poked a finger at the small , dark - faced man 's chest . " Right ? " " O . K . " Dundy turned to Spade again . " We find a threatening letter . Maybe that 's what he was telling you about , maybe it was something his brother said to him . Don 't let 's guess . Let 's stick to what we know . We know he - " I am writing this to tell you for the last time that I want my money back , and I want it back by the first of the month , all of it . If I don 't get it I am going to do something about it , and you ought to be able to guess what I mean . And don 't think I am kidding . Yours truly , He grinned . " That 's another T for you . " He picked up an envelope . " Postmarked San Diego , the twenty - fifth of last month . " He grinned again . " And that 's another city for you . " " We 'll talk to her . " Dundy turned on his heel , then suddenly frowned at the dead man on the floor . He jerked a thumb at the small , dark - faced man . " Through with it ? " The girl lay , elbow on pillow , cheek on hand , facing the big - boned , ugly woman . She was apparently about eighteen years old . She wore a gray suit . Her hair was blonde and short , her face firm - featured and remarkably symmetrical . She did not look at the two men coming into the room . " I mean what I said . He 'd been threatened . He called up Mr . Spade " - he indicated Spade with a nod - " and told him so just a few minutes before he was killed . " " Not since , " she began , and bit her lip . Then she said , " Of course , you know . Not since he first got out of prison . " A woman came in behind him , slowly , hesitantly . She was a tall woman in her late twenties , blonde , not quite plump . Her features were generous , her face pleasant and intelligent . She wore a ' small brown hat and a mink coat . Mrs . Bliss caught her breath . Bliss 's arm tightened around his niece with a little jerk , but there was not yet any change in his face . " Murdered ? " he repeated uncompre - hendingly . " About an hour . I got here about half past two and - " He turned to his wife . " It was almost half past three when I phoned you , wasn 't it ? " " No . I phoned his office " - he nodded at his wife - " and was told he 'd left for home , so I came on up . I wanted to see him before Elise and I left , of course , and I wanted him to come to the wedding , but he couldn 't . He said he was expecting somebody . We sat here and talked longer than I had intended , so I had to phone Elise to meet me at the Municipal Building . " " That we met there ? " Bliss looked inquiringly at his wife , who said , " It was just quarter to four . " She laughed a little . " I got there first and I kept looking at my watch . " Bliss said very deliberately , " It was a few minutes after four that we were married . We had to wait for Judge Whitefield - about ten minutes , and it was a few more before we got started - to get through with the case he was hearing . You can check it up - Superior Court , Part Two , I think . " Bliss stood up . " Well , what ? " he asked impatiently . " Did I hold a grudge against him for that ? No . Why should I ? We were both in it . He could get out ; I couldn 't . I was sure of being convicted whether he was or not . Having him sent over with me wasn 't going to make it any better for me . We talked it over and decided I 'd go it alone , leaving him outside to pull things together . And he did . If you look up his bank account you 'll see he gave me a check for twenty - five thousand dollars two days after I was discharged from San Quentin , and the registrar of the National Steel Corporation can tell you a thousand shares of stock have been transferred from his name to mine since then . " Dundy looked at Spade . Spade 's face was wooden . Dundy glowered at him , then put a question to the man on the bed : " What kind of necktie was your brother wearing when you saw him last ? " Bliss blinked , then stared distantly past Dundy , and finally shut his eyes . When he opened them he said , " It was green with - I 'd know it if I saw it . Why ? " " Today ? About one o ' clock . I had a luncheon engagement for one and I was a little late , and then I went shopping , and then - " She broke off with a shudder . " I f - found Father lying there and I phoned - I don 't know whether I phoned downstairs or the police , and then I don 't know what I did . I fainted or had hysterics or something , and the first thing I remember is coming to and finding those men here and Mrs . Hooper . " She looked him full in the face now . She put a hand to her throat . " I don 't remember what I did , " she said earnestly . " I think I just knew he was dead . " She worked her hands together and looked at them and said , " I suppose so . It was awful . I don 't know what I thought or did . " Spade leaned forward and made his voice low and persuasive . " I 'm not a police detective , Miss Bliss . I was engaged by your father - a few minutes too late to save him . I am , in a way , working for you now , so if there is anything I can do - maybe something the police wouldn 't - " He broke off as Dundy , followed by the Blisses and the housekeeper , returned to the room . " What luck ? " Dundy said , " The green tie 's not there . " His suspicious gaze darted from Spade to the girl . " Mrs . Hooper says the blue tie we found is one of half a dozen he just got from England . " Tom came to the door . " Checks all right , " he told Dundy . " The judge and a bailiff named Kittredge say they were there from about a quarter to four till five or ten minutes after . I told Kittredge to come over and take a look at them to make sure they 're the same ones . " Dundy said , " Right , " without turning his head and took the penciled threat signed with the T in a star from his pocket . He folded it so only the signature was visible . Then he asked , " Anybody know what this is ? " " Anybody know anything about it ? " Dundy asked . Mrs . Hooper said , " It 's like what was on poor Mr . Bliss 's chest , but - " The others said , " No . " Bliss smiled too . " It 's all right . " His smile broadened . " As a matter of fact , I 'm a liar . We weren 't actually together all the time . I went out into the corridor to smoke a cigarette , but I assure you every time I looked through the glass of the door I could see her still sitting in the courtroom where I had left her . " Spade 's smile was as light as Bliss 's . Nevertheless , he asked , " And when you weren 't looking through the glass you were in sight of the door ? She couldn 't 've left the courtroom without your seeing her ? " Spade said , " Thanks , " and followed Dundy into the living - room , shutting the door behind him . Dundy looked sidewise at Spade . " Anything to it ? " Spade shrugged . Max Bliss 's body had been removed . Besides the man at the secretaire and the gray - faced man , two Filipino boys in plum - colored uniforms were in the room . They sat close together on the sofa . Dundy said , " Mack , I want to find a green necktie . I want this house taken apart , this block taken apart , and the whole neighborhood taken apart till you find it . Get what men you need . " They shook their heads in unison from side to side . " Nobody else , sir , " the smaller one said . A desperately ingratiating smile stretched his mouth wide across his face . The larger boy 's head bobbed up and down . " Yes , sir . Yes , sir . I bring them up . I think you mean other people . " He too tried a smile . " No , sir . Another gentleman , not an American gentleman . " He had raised his head again and now brightness came back into his face . " I think he is Armenian . " The boy lifted his shoulders , spread his hands . " He tall , like this gentleman . " He indicated Spade . " Got dark hair , dark mustache . Very " - he frowned earnestly - " very nice clothes . Very nice - looking man . Cane , gloves , spats , | even , and - " Miriam Bliss came slowly into the living - room followed by her uncle , and Spade shut the door behind them . Miss Bliss 's lower lip twitched a little when she saw the elevator boys . She looked apprehensively at Dundy . Her lower lip twitched again . " Wh - what ? " She tried to put bewilderment on her face . Theodore Bliss hastily crossed the room , stood for a moment before her as if he intended to say something , and then , apparently changing his mind , took up a position behind her , his arms crossed over the back of a chair . " The man who came in with you , " Dundy said harshly , rapidly . " Who is he ? Where is he ? Why 'd he leave ? Why didn 't you say anything about him ? " The girl put her hands over her face and began to cry . " He didn 't have anything to do with it , " she blubbered through her hands . " He didn 't , and it would just make trouble for him . " She took her hands away from her face . " Oh , but he had to , " she cried . " His wife is so jealous , and if she knew he had been with me again she 'd certainly divorce him , and he hasn 't a cent in the world of his own . " Dundy looked at Spade . Spade looked at the goggling Filipinos and jerked a thumb at the outer door . " Scram , " he said . They went out quickly . Spade , leaning far over , caught her as she fell . He lifted her easily and carried her into the bedroom . When he came back he shut the door behind him and leaned against it . " Whatever the rest of it was , " he said , " the faint 's a phony . " Dundy 's voice was disagreeable . " You got nothing to worry about , " he said to Spade . " Even your client 's dead and can 't complain . But if I don 't come across I 've got to stand for riding from the captain , the chief , the newspapers , and heaven knows who all . " " Stay with it , " Spade said soothingly ; " you 'll catch a murderer sooner or later yet . " His face became serious except for the lights in his yellow - gray eyes . " I don 't want to run this job up any more alleys than we have to , but don 't you think we ought to check up on the funeral the housekeeper said she went to ? There 's something funny about that woman . " Spade twisted himself around on the sofa until he was looking into her deep - set , steady eyes . " Don 't worry about that , " he said , flirting a hand toward the door Tom had gone through . " Just routine . " He pursed his lips , asked , " What do you honestly think of this thing , Mrs . Hooper ? " She replied calmly , in her strong , somewhat harsh voice , " I think it 's the judgment of God . " Dundy stopped pacing the floor . Spade said , " What ? " Dundy began to advance towards Mrs . Hooper in the manner of one stalking game . Spade waved him back with a hand which the sofa hid from the woman . His face and voice showed interest , but were now as composed as the woman 's . " Sin ? " he asked . Dundy barked a question at her : " What little one ? " She turned her grave gray eyes on him , then looked past him at the bedroom door . " Her , " she said ; " Miriam . " Dundy frowned at her , " His daughter ? " The woman said , " Yes , his own adopted daughter . " Angry blood mottled Dundy 's square face . " What the heck is this ? " he demanded . He shook his head as if to free it from some clinging thing . " She 's not really his daughter ? " The woman 's serenity was in no way disturbed by his anger . " No . His wife was an invalid most of her life . They didn 't have any children . " Spade interrupted her , taking pains to speak very clearly , moving one hand in small circles with his words . " You mean you don 't actually know he 's been gypping her ? You just suspect it ? " Dundy looked at Spade , Spade at Dundy , and Spade 's eyes were shiny with not altogether pleasant merriment . Dundy cleared his throat and addressed the woman again . " And you think this " - he waved a hand at the floor where the dead man had lain - " was the judgment of God , huh ? " " It 's not for me to say , " she replied . Red began to mottle his face again . " That 'll be all right now , " he said in a choking voice , but by the time she had reached the bedroom door his eyes became alert again and he called , " Wait a minute . " And when they were facing each other : " Listen , do you happen to be a Rosicrucian ? " He growled , " All right , all right , " and turned his back on her . She went into the bedroom and shut the door . He wiped his forehead with the palm of his right hand and complained wearily , " Great Scott , what a family . " Dundy 's face whitened . His lips , almost colorless , came back tight over his teeth . He balled his fists and lunged towards Spade . " What do you - ? " The pleasantly surprised look on Spade 's face stopped him . He averted his eyes , wet his lips with the tip of his tongue , looked at Spade again and away , essayed an embarrassed smile , and mumbled , " You mean any family . Uh - huh , I guess so . " He turned hastily towards the corridor door as the doorbell rang . Dundy had gone to the bedroom door to call Theodore Bliss and his wife . Kittredge looked at them , smiled at them amiably , said , " How do you do ? " and turned to Dundy . " That 's them , all right . " He looked around as if for a place to spit , found none , and said , " It was just about ten minutes to four that the gentleman there came in the courtroom and asked me how long His Honor would be , and I told him about ten minutes , and they waited there ; and right after court adjourned at four o ' clock we married them . " Smekalov began to speak immediately . His accent was not heavy enough to trouble his hearers much , though his r 's sounded more like w 's . " Lieutenant , I must beg of you that you keep this confidential . If it should get out it will ruin me , Lieutenant , ruin me completely and most unjustly . I am most innocent , sir , I assure you , in heart , spirit , and deed , not only innocent , but in no way whatever connected with any part of the whole horrible matter . There is no - " " Wait a minute . " Dundy prodded Smekalov 's chest with a blunt finger . " Nobody 's said anything about you being mixed up in anything - but it 'd looked better if you 'd stuck around . " The young man spread his arms , his palms forward , in an expansive gesture . " But what can I do ? I have a wife who - " He shook his head violently . " It is impossible . I cannot do it . " " Wouldn 't want to . " Dundy seemed , in his callous way , sorry for the young man . " Murder 's nothing to play with in this country . " The young man looked as if he would like to say " Yes . " He said , " No , " slowly , then went on with increasing rapidity : " But that was nothing , sir , nothing at all . We had been to lunch . I escorted her home and she said , ' Will you come in for a cocktail ? ' and I would . That is all , I give you my word . " He held out his hands , palms up . " Could it not have happened so to you ? " He moved his hands in Spade 's direction . " To you ? " The bedroom door opened and Miriam Bliss came into the room . " Why don 't you leave him alone ? " she asked indignantly . " I told you he had nothing to do with it . I told you he didn 't know anything about it . " She was beside Smekalov now and had one of his hands in hers . " You 're simply making trouble for him without doing a bit of good . I 'm awfully sorry , Boris , I tried to keep them from bothering you . " " You tried , all right , " Dundy agreed . He addressed Spade : " Could it 've been like this , Sam ? Bliss found out about the wife , knew they had the lunch date , came home early to meet them when they came in , threatened to tell the wife , and was choked to stop him . " He looked sidewise at the girl . " Now , if you want to fake another faint , hop to it . " The young man screamed and flung himself at Dundy , clawing with both hands . Dundy grunted - " Uh ! " - and struck him in the face with a heavy fist . The young man went backwards across the room until he collided with a chair . He and the chair went down on the floor together . Dundy said to the gray - faced man , " Take him down to the Hall - material witness . " Theodore Bliss , his wife , and the housekeeper had come to the door Miriam Bliss had left open . Miriam Bliss was crying , stamping her foot , threatening Dundy : " I 'll report you , you coward . You had no right to . . . " and so on . Nobody paid much attention to her ; they watched the gray - faced man help Smekalov to his feet , take him away . Smekalov 's nose and mouth were red smears . Then Dundy said , " Hush , " negligently to Miriam Bliss and took a slip of paper from his pocket . " I got a list of the calls from here today . Sing out when you recognize them . " Mrs . Hooper said , " That is the butcher . I phoned him before I left this morning . " She said the next number Dundy read was the grocer 's . " That 's the St . Mark , " Miriam Bliss said . " I called up Boris . " She identified two more numbers as those of friends she had called . The telephone rang . Spade answered it . " Hello . . . . No , this is Spade . Wait a min - All right . " He listened . " Right , I 'll tell him . … I don 't know . I 'll have him call you . . . . When he turned from the telephone Dundy was standing , hands behind him , in the vestibule doorway . Spade said , " O ' Gar says your Russian went completely nuts on the way to the Hall . They had to shove him into a strait - jacket . " " Blood 's better , " Spade was saying . " It gives a reason for taking the tie away . Let 's go in and talk to people . " They went into the living - room . Dundy looked from Bliss to Bliss 's wife , to Bliss 's niece , to the housekeeper , as if he did not like any of them . He took his fist from his pocket , thrust it straight out in front of him , and opened it to show the crescent pin lying in his hand . " What 's that ? " he demanded . Dundy was surveying them one by one again , as if he liked them less than ever . His face was red . " He always wore it , " he said angrily , " but there wasn 't one of you could say , ' Father always wore a pin . Where is it ? ' No , we got to wait till it turns up before we can get a word out of you about it . " " Never mind what you were to know , " Dundy said . " It 's coming around to the point where I 'm going to do some talking about what I know . " He took the green necktie from his pocket . " This is his tie ? " Dundy said , " Well , it 's got blood on it , and it 's not his blood , because he didn 't have a scratch on him that we could see . " He looked narrow - eyed from one to another of them . " Now , suppose you were trying to choke a man that wore a scarfpin and he was wrestling with you , and - " Spade had crossed to where Mrs . Hooper was standing . Her big hands were clasped in front of her . He took her right hand , turned it over , took the wadded handkerchief from her palm , and there was a two - inch - long fresh scratch in the flesh . Spade made a peculiar noise in his throat as he dropped her hand . " Well , let 's see how we stand . " He grinned at Dundy . " You don 't like that star - T , do you ? " " Neither do I , " Spade said . " The Talbot threat was probably on the level , but that debt seems to have been squared . Now - Wait a minute . " He went to the telephone and called his office . " The tie thing looked pretty funny , too , for a while , " he said while he waited , " but I guess the blood takes care of that . " He spoke into the telephone : " Hello , Effie . Listen : Within half an hour or so of the time Bliss called me , did you get any call that maybe wasn 't on the level ? Anything that could have been a stall … Yes , before … Think now . He spoke into the telephone again : " Yes ? . . . Yes . . . Kruger ? . . . Yes . Man or woman ? . . . Thanks . . . . No , I 'll be through in half an hour . Wait for me and I 'll buy your dinner . ' By . " " I don 't know , " Spade said blandly . " I never heard of him . " He took tobacco and cigarette papers from his pockets . " All right , Bliss , where 's your scratch ? " " Your scratch , " Spade repeated in a consciously patient tone . His attention was on the cigarette he was making . " The place where your brother 's pin gouged you when you were choking him . " " Uh - huh , you were being married when he was killed . You were not . " Spade moistened the edge of his cigarette paper and smoothed it with his forefingers . " Who says Max Bliss called me ? " Spade asked . " I don 't know that . I wouldn 't know his voice . All I know is a man called me and said he was Max Bliss . Anybody could say that . " He shook his head and smiled . " They show I had a call from here , and I did , but not that one . I told you somebody called up half an hour or so before the supposed Max Bliss call and asked for Mr . Kruger . " He nodded at Theodore Bliss . " He was smart enough to get a call from this apartment to my office on the record before he left to meet you . Spade did not let him finish that sentence . " You know he went out to smoke a cigarette in the corridor while waiting for the judge , and he knew there were telephone booths in the corridor . A minute would be all he needed . " He lit his cigarette and returned his lighter to his pocket . Bliss said , " Nonsense ! " more sharply . " Why should I want to kill Max ? " He smiled reassuringly into his wife 's horrified eyes . " Don 't let this disturb you , dear . Police methods are sometimes - " Spade drank coffee , shrugged . " What for ? She knows now that he made his play for her only because she was Max 's secretary . She knows that when he took out the marriage license a couple of weeks ago it was only to string her along so she 'd get him the photostatic copies of the records that tied Max up with the Graystone Loan swindle . She knows - Well , she knows she wasn 't just helping an injured innocent to clear his good name . " He took another sip of coffee . " So he calls on his brother this afternoon to hold San Quentin over his head for a price again , and there 's a fight , and he kills him , and gets his wrist scratched by the pin while he 's choking him . Blood on the tie , a scratch on his wrist - that won 't do . He takes the tie off the corpse and hunts up another , because the absence of a tie will set the police to thinking . He gets a bad break there : Max 's new ties are on the front of the rack , and he grabs the first one he comes to . All right . Now he 's got to put it around the dead man 's neck - or wait - he gets a better idea . Pull off some more clothes and puzzle the police . The tie 'll be just as inconspicuous off as on , if the shirt 's off too . Undressing him , he gets another idea . He 'll give the police something else to worry about , so he draws a mystic sign he has seen somewhere on the dead man 's chest . " Spade emptied his cup , set it down , and went on : " By now he 's getting to be a regular master - mind at bewildering the police . A threatening letter signed with the thing on Max 's chest . The afternoon mail is on the desk . One envelope 's as good as another so long as it 's typewritten and has no return address , but the one from France adds a touch of the foreign , so out comes the original letter and in goes the threat . He 's overdoing it now ; see ? He 's giving us so much that 's wrong that we can 't help suspecting things that seem all right - the phone call , for instance . " Well , he 's ready for the phone calls now - his alibi . He picks my name out of the private detectives in the phone book and does the Mr . Kruger trick ; but that 's after he calls the blonde Elise and tells her that not only have the obstacles to their marriage been removed , but he 's had an offer to go in business in New York and has to leave right away , and will she meet him in fifteen minutes and get married ? There 's more than just an alibi to that . He wants to make sure she is dead sure he didn 't kill Max , because she knows he doesn 't like Max , and he doesn 't want her to think he was just stringing her along to get the dope on Max , because she might be able to put two and two together and get something like the right answer . " With that taken care of , he 's ready to leave . He goes out quite openly , with only one thing to worry about now - the tie and pin in his pocket . He takes the pin along because he 's not sure the police mightn 't find traces of blood around the setting of the stones , no matter how carefully he wipes it . On his way out he picks up a newspaper - buys one from the newsboy he meets at the street door - wads tie and pin up in a piece of it , and drops it in the rubbish can at the corner . That seems all right . No reason for the police to look for the tie . No reason for the street cleaner who empties the can to investigate a crumpled piece of newspaper , and if something does go wrong - what the deuce ! - the murderer dropped it there , but he , " Then he jumps in his car and drives to the Municipal Building . He knows there are plenty of phones there and he can always say he 's got to wash his hands , but it turns out he doesn 't have to . While they 're waiting for the judge to get through with a case he goes out to smoke a cigarette , and there you are - ' Mr . Spade , this is Max Bliss and I 've been threatened . ' " " Playing safe . If the body had been found , meanwhile , the police might 've heard of it and trace the call . A private detective wouldn 't be likely to hear about it till he read it in the papers . " " Luck ? I don 't know . " He looked gloomily at the back of his left hand . " I hurt a knuckle stopping him and the job only lasted an afternoon . Chances are whoever 's handling the estate 'll raise hob if I send them a bill for any decent amount of money . " He raised a hand to attract the waiter 's attention . " Oh , well , better luck next time . Want to catch a movie or have you got something else to do ? " |
Posted by sorceressofthedark on January 19 , 2017 So one evening I 'm laying in bed watching tv with him and he turns to me with this look of desperation and pleading in his eyes and says , " Stop those Green Men ! Please ! You know how to make them go away ! " I side - ways look at him , thinking he 's joking or god knows what , but he 's not . He 's dead - serious . Really dead - serious . There 's this look of timidity in his eyes that I had rarely seen . So I ask him where the Green Men are . He points to the bottom of the bed . He starts cowering under the covers . His body is beginning to tremble . His eyes are luminous as he 's alternately staring at me and the foot of the bed . He keeps begging me to get rid of them , because only I can . So I decide to pretend that I do see these Green Men . After all , if he thinks I have power over them , and they have power over him , well , you do the math here . He 's freaking out , hiding under the covers and I 'm talking to airspace sternly , asking them why they 're here for Daniel . I finally point at " them " and tell " them " to leave so he can come up for air . That seemed to placate him , altho he still hid under the covers for awhile and then finally went to sleep . So now the psychopath was seeing things - people . In his mind , I could get rid of them . Like I 've said before , his mind was interesting . But the Green Men was a new addition . He was getting worse , making my time shorter . I had been planning on escaping , but now I had to up everything in timing . None of this was easy , it never was and still isn 't . It just gets easier now when I have to recall it . At least I 'm not as wiped out as before . Now it 's more of yeah , that happened , I survived kind of thing while the other person looks at me strangely not understanding why I 'm not locked up or an addict dulling my pain . I 'm not doing any of those things because I won 't let him take me down . The only person that can do that is me . He 's just not worth it . I 'm too busy living my life , and I have a huge bucket list with a life to live ahead of me . Too many years were wasted while I had to recuperate in a wheelchair from the accident he caused trying to murder me , then years as a hostage in my home under his mother and him while they alternately poisoned and took care of me . I fought my way out and I 'd do it again . Like I said , the only person that can take me down is me . Posted by sorceressofthedark on January 17 , 2017 So one afternoon I 'm sitting with Daniel at his psychiatric appointment because apparently he doesn 't lie when I 'm in attendance with him . Odd , but true . I 'm not really allowed to talk , just sit there . Clearly , I can make eye contact with him . Raise an eyebrow , pointedly stare , which I 'm rather good at doing . I couldn 't help myself when I knew he 'd be doling crap . Which is why I had been requested to sit in at some of his sessions . Lucky me . Daniel had always talked to me . One of the reasons I was fascinated by his mind . Knowing he was diagnosed psychopathic , and knowing the psychiatric background of his mother , I knew his mind was a goldmine of information . So was his mothers . And since they didn 't see me as a professional , I wasn 't a threat to them . They could tell me anything . And they did . Much of it horrifying . This particular afternoon , Daniel was talking about voyeurism . I already knew some of his past stories , beginning with his childhood . How he convinced a little girl when he was 9 years old and she was 7 to prance before him up on a boat rack his father had made behind the garage . He had convinced her to take off her panties and he 'd throw mud balls at her vagina . That was his earliest sexual memory . Then the bomb hits . He turns to me and says he 's been watching me . He tells me that he had created a hole in the wall of the ceiling of the bathroom so that when I was in the shower or just in the bathroom , he could watch me . Deal was , I couldn 't say a word . I wasn 't there for therapy , he was . So there I am , stoic , quiet , blazing eyes , thinking a million thoughts . Feeling humiliated at the time . I knew he had committed this act on others , friends of his . But me ? Whoa , the buck stops here . Apparently not . I did not consent , nor did the people he told me about . The little girl that he threw the mud balls at did not understand what she was consenting to . He was violating the law , although the law is sketchy depending on where you live geographically . According to the DSM , voyeurs may have a background of alcohol and drug abuse , be obsessive - compulsive , have a background of childhood abuse , anti - social behaviors , attention - deficit disorder , personality disorders , bi - polar disorder and more . So no surprise there . My first reaction I believe was justified , and then I realized , it 's not my fault . I didn 't create him . I did not cause these behaviors . If it wasn 't me , it would have been another woman . And probably still is . Posted by sorceressofthedark on January 2 , 2017 Psychopaths are abusive to animals . So they say . And the way they are abusive isn 't always the way you might normally expect . Daniel had come into my store one day . I was re - dressing the main window . He hopped up on the ledge and began talking to me . I was working with mannequins and set - ups while he was ( I 'm guessing here ) trying to impress me . There was a fly in the window buzzing around . It was summertime and the front door was open . " Ever see a fly on a leash ? " he asked . I just looked at him while I kept myself busy . No , I 'd never seen a fly on a leash and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about . Before I realized what he was doing , he reached over and plucked a hair from my head . Yeah , literally , plucked a strand of hair from my head . Lucky for him it was one strand . Altho I did let loose with a string of expletives and was angry at what he had just done . He said he needed the strand of hair to show me something . He then proceeded to catch the fly . I 'm sure by now you know where this is going but I 'll keep on telling the story . His back was to me at this point . I was thinking this guy is a bit off / weird / whatever and kept on working . He suddenly turned around and opened his hand . In it was the " fly on a leash " . He had wrapped my one strand of hair around the fly , tied it , and it was now tethered . To some , that may just be a fly . To me , it was a living insect that he had just trapped and was torturing . And to do that so quickly and successfully meant he had done this before . Who actually thinks of leashing flies ? Yeah , well , I guess psychopaths and their assorted counterparts do . It takes a uniquely convoluted mind to think of that one . Posted by sorceressofthedark on April 28 , 2014 I own a 6 piece set of antique press - back farm chairs . They have cane seats . Over time , the caning needs strengthening . When I lived with Daniel , I had noticed that a few of the seats needed work , so I decided to send them in to an antiques dealer I knew that specialized in working with antique furniture . She and I had built a relationship over the years and I had bought many items from her antique store . It was only the cane work that needed strengthening . None of it had loosened , it was just sagging . I had called her and described the chairs , some of which she was familiar with because I had purchased them from her . She told me to bring them in and she would take care of them . Not a problem at all . I told Daniel to bring them to the antiques dealer showroom for repair . He packed them in the back of his truck securely and left . Or so I thought . Somewhere between my home and the antique shop , a short distance of a few miles , Daniel made a destructive decision . Later I received a phone call from the antiques dealer . She was very distraught . She told me the repairs on the chairs would be extensive . She asked why I hadn 't described the damage more accurately . After all , she said , both of us knew each other for so long , there was no reason to hide anything . Hide anything , I questioned . What was I hiding ? I told her that the seats were sagging where the cane inserts were placed . That 's what needed to be repaired . She hemmed a bit , and seemed upset . At the time , I was confused by the phone call . I had sent antique chairs in with Daniel with seats that had only sagging cane work , and yet I was being told in a mysterious phone call that my chair repair was going to cost far more than I had anticipated , take much longer in time and somehow I felt as if I was the one being blamed for the damage to the chairs . I should add that this happened during the time I was non - mobile , still wheel - chair bound from my motor - vehicle accident . I was not able to drive , so I could not go directly to the antique dealer to visualize for myself and see what she was talking about . I was literally stuck at home . Still a prisoner . Still a captive of the Smith family , not yet aware of what they were doing behind my back . I was to found out a few years later . The antiques dealer did not sound very friendly as she usually did , as a matter of fact , she told me Daniel was there with her while she was talking to me . Since I was unaware at the time of what he was capable of doing , I had absolutely no idea of what really was going on at that moment in the antique dealers store . I would later found out . It took months for me to get my chairs back . I would call and ask how the repairs were going , and was told various stories . They were back - logged , they were on vacation , etc . , but never the truth at the time . Finally , about six months later , I received my chairs . One , in particular , was never fully repaired . The wood seat on it had been broken . I was upset . Daniel told me he had argued with the antiques dealer about their work , but to no avail . I later found out that was his lie . Roughly four years later , after Daniel was out of the house , I visited this antiques dealer . I was determined to find out what had happened with my chairs . That conversation still set in mind as one that was out - of - place , as mysterious . What she told me that day still haunts me and I don 't know why Daniel did what he did . But I do know that she was frightened by him . I understand now that she was frightened when she called me for her own reasons when he was standing in her store . I can imagine why . I don 't know the exact words he told her why the chairs were in the condition they were when he brought them in . But I do know who he said was responsible for their demise . Which would make sense as to her hesitance in speaking with me . She was told I had a very serious anger problem and damaged / destroyed things . At first , she was slightly hesitant to talk to me . She remembered the chairs . She , of course , remembered me . We hadn 't seen each other in a few years . I couldn 't understand why she was behaving in such a stand - offish manner . I would understand after she told me her story . She told me he brought her chairs that were in pieces . None of them were in usable condition . Not only was the cane split apart , but there were posts broken , legs broken and damage beyond what she had ever imagined . She had been horrified . She could never imagine ( me ) her client asking her to repair such work . My face , as she told me this story , was one of stone cold silence . All the pieces of the puzzle had been coming together at that point in 2006 about things Daniel and his mother Sandra had done . This was just another to add . She realized as she told me this that I had nothing to do with the breaking of the chairs . She knew at this point that I was no longer with the psychopath , that I was attempting to find clues to answer questions . Since she and I had known each other for many years , she trusted in me at that point to be honest enough to tell me what had actually happened that day years before . She said at the time she felt powerless , frightened and somewhat intimidated with him standing there telling her to call me about the chairs . That explained her strange phone call . She really didn 't know what to say in front of him , alone in her store . She said she had felt very uncomfortable . The antiques dealer told me there was a strangeness , a coldness , a black look in his eyes . She said he seemed odd , and made the hairs on her neck stand up . But she took the chairs in for repair and did the best she could . We didn 't talk much about anything else . I could still see that discomfort and uneasiness in her eyes . Little did she know that at that time she was staring down the eyes of a true psychopath . One that had just broken antique chairs for his own pleasure . Chairs that he had just told another he was packing securely to bring to an antique dealer to have repaired . Somewhere between the home and the antique store he had stopped off the road , and taken time to deliberately break and destroy six chairs into pieces . Then carry these pieces into her shop and calmly tell her a story about a woman she had known for years destroying the chairs . What the psychopath doesn 't realize is that their eyes give them away . When they are at the height of their episodes , their eyes take on such a coldness , such a black void , it is almost compelling to watch . Once seen it is never forgotten . I wonder how many people who I once knew did Daniel make feel this way behind my back . It 's what these men do . It 's how they separate their prey . It 's how they keep women isolated without the women knowing it 's happening . They tell lies , they manipulate stories , they twist the truth . Those who know you are told stories of deceit to make them doubt you , to mislead them , to draw them away from you . Your friends , your acquaintances are misled , just as the original woman is , by the psychopath , who is skilled at manipulation . Whether through lies , intimidation or outright fear tactics , the psychopath uses his skilled tactics to separate and isolate people . It 's his means of survival . Posted by sorceressofthedark on November 13 , 2013 I 've taken a break from writing this blog about Daniel . I 've needed a much - deserved break . Writing about him , writing about his mental illness , writing about his victimization of people is a difficult task . Separating pity from detailing information is my first priority for my readers . There should never be pity , but there always should be compassion and empathy for victims and Survivors of abusers . Abusers , psychopaths , compulsive liars , sociopaths are manipulators and con artists . They will twist and turn the truth to their willing audiences . They will parrot information back to their listeners easily to make the other person their ally . It 's in their nature . It 's one of their personality traits that goes unnoticed very easily by the general public . And it 's one of the most dangerous traits that most people don 't realize is what makes them succumb to the psychopath 's will . When I appeared in court with Daniel , my daughter accompanied me . I did not know who would accompany Daniel . My daughter , who had been in and out of the Chelsea home , had known Daniel throughout the years that I was with him , and was well qualified to speak to the judge about any concerns that I had should the judge question her as a witness . My daughter also has a degree in criminal psychology . She was my support in the court system and her opinion would have been well - versed . Daniel brought with him apparently his current girl friend . I can only determine " current girl friend " because of her behavior when she saw me . She fawned over him in the court room , and Daniel kept backing away from her advances . When our names were called , she also followed him to the front tables and stood there . I 'm not sure why , but she decided she would be present in front of the judge , although she had no bearing on this case . My daughter later told me that this woman looked so much like I did , that the resemblance was remarkable . Her height was the same as mine , her coloring , her haircut , her hair color , even her build - she was pretty much identical to me . Other than the way I was dressed for court , my daughter said , this woman could have been me dressed in jeans , boots and a hoodie on a casual day . At the time , all I thought was that he must have the same taste in women . But there was more to her looks than I thought . There apparently was a reason she could have been my twin or my sister . I would find that out later . The Judge asked me why I wanted a Protection From Abuse . I began to speak , barely beginning with , " Your Honor , I have had three PFA 's in the past against this man . I am now asking you to … " I was interrupted very loudly with " That 's bogus ! " by Daniel . I turned to look at him . He began speaking rapidly at the judge . Daniel began telling him that I was a vindictive woman , who was angry with him , because we weren 't together any longer , and that anything that would come out of my mouth would be " bogus " . I could begin to feel my blood racing . My eyes were opening wider and wider . I was standing no more than two feet away from this man . Now this woman he had brought began to yell at the judge , telling him that yes , indeed , I was a vindictive woman who wanted to make trouble for them . She began pointing fingers at me , and also yelling . My daughter was grasping my elbow , to steady me , and whispering to me to stay calm . The judge is listening to Daniel speak loudly and forcefully , and asking the woman who she is and why is she involved in this matter , then telling her she has no business being involved and to please leave the table area , then he turns back to Daniel and tells him to continue . Leaning on his elbows , quite enraptured with Daniel , the judge listens to him . Quite a commotion he caused , showing the judge how women can be preposterous in a situation . The judge became enamored of Daniel , and literally showed little regard for any females . It was very well organized . Daniel planned the opening well . He interrupted me one time , caused a scene , had this woman cause a larger scene , which in turn had the judge have her removed from the area . The judge then in turn , returned to Daniel to have him explain himself , thereby excluding me from the original conversation . I 'm watching this , as if it 's all in slow motion . I say to the judge , " Excuse me , your Honor , you asked me a question . May I continue ? " He tells me only one can talk at a time , and motions to Daniel to resume speaking . I am now incensed . I 'm sure my face reflected this . Daniel goes on to tell the judge that he was sitting peacefully in his living room watching television when the sheriff 's officers knocked on his door . He said he had absolutely no idea what they could want from him when they served the paperwork on him . I could tell you about his string of arrests and court appearances that have continued and still continue to this day as I write this post , but they don 't have any bearing on my business with Daniel . He conveyed to the judge that he was a parody of a man who was simply living a quiet life that was being vindicated by a woman who could not let go . What he did was reverse the tables for the judge , play him for the fool , and make me appear the despicable person . The Dr . Jekyll and Mr . Hyde personality was coming out . Daniel was attempting to manipulate the court , the judge and the system again . He then told the judge what I was waiting to hear . " Your Honor , I don 't even know how she knew my address to serve me with these papers . She must have stalked me . " Words that made my head flip back . Posted by sorceressofthedark on February 20 , 2013 Waiting to hear my name called was hard as hell . I felt confident . I felt secure with my knowledge in my hands . I had procured my documentation and delivered it beforehand to the courts . My local police department had previously requested that I ask my county court system to issue another Protection From Abuse Order against Daniel . Too many oddball things were going on around my home that couldn 't be attributed to local vandals . I live in a sleepy town that pulls up the sidewalks at 8 p . m . anyway . What was happening reeked with his signature . And it was for these reasons that they wanted me to get the PFA . Their reasoning was if I had one in place , it might keep him away and if it didn 't , they would have ammunition to hold him if they apprehended him . In the past , Daniel would always break in at a certain time during the middle of the night . Attribute it to his OCD , or just to his quirks , I could count on him coming around at precisely a certain time . One night , I was lying in bed awake , as usual , the dogs asleep on the floor . I lived in a two - story home . I had an old wheelbarrow set up against the kitchen window , which was the only accessible area to break in . Suddenly , I heard this scraping noise against the siding of the house and aluminum . I knew it was the wheelbarrow being moved . One of my dogs immediately awakened and ran down the stairs barking and growling madly . I stood up , turned on a light , cell phone in hand and stood at the top of the stairs . My dog raced back up the stairs with her hackles raised , still growling incessantly . I turned on more lights . As my luck would have it , suddenly I heard police sirens nearby . I hadn 't called the police . They just happened to have a call near me . Which , in turn , frightened my intruder away . The intruder also had broken the storm window lock . They had to do this to open the window to enter my home . If they had gained access , my dogs would have also gained access to them . And of course , police response time is exceedingly quick in my town . So far , what I am describing sounds like a typical intrusion . Read on . I waited until dawn to look out . When I looked out my bedroom window , which overlooks the same kitchen window , laying out on my grass in the middle of my yard was my welcome mat . It was facing up staring at me . My welcome mat that belongs in front of my storm door in front of my home that says " Welcome " . It had been taken from my door and placed out in the middle of the back yard now directly facing my bedroom window deliberately for me to see . The wheelbarrow was moved and the storm window was broken . I called the police and reported the situation . The intrusive person came back again the next night . But silently . And quickly enough to get in and out of my yard for no one to see them do what they did until a friend and I walked my dogs the following day after that . As I was about to let my dogs walk into my yard ahead of me , I always keep an eye on the ground , since I 've never trusted Daniel for fear of my pets being poisoned or hurt again . This time there was a plate of glass dug into the ground , standing straight up . It was about two feet by two feet . Just standing straight up in the ground . When I enter my back yard , I walk up some concrete stairs to it , and that 's exactly where this plate of glass had been set . Had I allowed my dogs free rein and let them loose , they would have run their snouts directly into the glass and shattered it . Their faces would have been a bloody mess . We were horrified . Again , a return call from the police department . This time , the Sergeant arrived . He took one look at the glass dug into my yard , looked up at my roof , back at the glass , and said , " That didn 't fall off the roof . You had the attempted break - in the other night . That was left for your dogs . " I was astounded that he actually said that to me . When I called this in , I just reported vandalism . This Sergeant put together the eeriness of the situation . He was disgusted that someone would attempt to hurt animals . He realized that if someone wanted to hurt me they could have left a plate of glass lying face down so I would slip . This was an outward display left to show me a sign . I have screen doors on both of my entrances . I keep my doors locked . It 's a habit . Not from Daniel , but from childhood . It 's how I grew up . I grew up in a city . That 's how we lived . We always locked our doors . I used to put a wreath on my front door . Used to . Until someone punched in my screen door at the base and reached up inside to tear down the wreath on my main door . On the second anniversary of the week - end they attempted to break in . My dogs bark when they hear someone , of course . It doesn 't take a person long to cut a piece of a screen door , punch a large hole in the base of it to destroy the bottom , reach in and tear down a wreath . It wrecks the screen . It looks nasty afterwards . And since I tie my wreaths to the hook , they couldn 't rip the entire wreath down . They tried . It was in pieces . The quick job they attempted just didn 't happen . There 's also the my dog 's leashes that I have out in my yard . In the nice weather I sit out back with them . I never tie them out alone . As a matter of fact , before they 're tied out , I make a sweep of the yard . You can see where this is going . We sit and they have very long leads to enjoy the warm weather . Except for one time we went out back . My larger dog 's lead wasn 't as large as usual . It was cut into pieces . Four pieces . And left in a pile . She could no longer use that tie - out . I imagine the symbolism had been targeted at my larger dog because it was her lead . The threat was to her . One of my male friends and I were out one day when his cell phone rang . A male voice asked for me . A male voice he didn 't know . On his personal cell phone number . And they asked for me in my nickname . My friend knew of my childhood nickname and this story . His eyes signaled mine and he leaned in to me with his cell phone . He played along on the phone and said I wasn 't there but tried to keep the man on the phone . He managed to for a short bit but not enough for me to hear the voice well enough . We were driving and it was noisy . The date of the phone call ? The first anniversary month I moved into my home . How do phones tie in ? Daniel 's tapped both my cell and home phones previously . When I lived on Chelsea , he had the assistance of his buddy Michael who worked for Verizon . I had found the new wires tapped into my home and reported it to Verizon . He managed attempts to tap into three of my cell phone carriers , all reported and verified by the companies . I once found audio recordings on my cell phone that I didn 't recognize . When I played them I realized they were recordings that he had made of my personal conversations with other male friends and then placed snippets of them on my phone . I 've had pictures left in envelopes for me . Cut - up pictures that I later put back together as if they were jig - saw puzzles . They turned out to be photos of Daniel 's deceased mother 's pets . Do I report this to my police ? Yes . My children insist that I do . They feel it 's important I keep a record of all this activity . So do I . It 's creepy . It 's bizarre . I know it 's the thinking of a fragmented mind . How do I know ? Because he used to tell me stories . His stories . Of his former life before me . I know how he thinks . It 's chilling . I 've heard too many bumps in the night that turned out to be Daniel breaking into my home . Too many police officers have accosted him near my home with his excuse " I 'm just driving home from a party . " , and they 've had to let him go . It 's the law in America . Even at 4 a . m . , on a side street directly behind my home , no matter how coincidental , there is nothing a police officer can do if they catch him outside the perimeters of a PFA . I cannot say how many officers have repeated this to me , to keep calling whenever there is suspicious activity . They will keep attempting to apprehend him . They want to catch him . Too many violations have occurred . Too many violations of the mind , the spirit , and the soul . Not only do I want it to stop , everyone wants it to stop . My family , my friends , law enforcement . He is a psychopath . I live my life without daily thoughts of him . I have better things to do . I have moved on to a better life and have built myself a new platform on which to stand again . His words of his never being happy until I was devastated and " living without a roof over my head penniless " are not going to happen . In just a few years I have created a home again from nothing . I am not giving this up . All I could do was appeal to a judge that I have suspicious activity that is bizarre and is documented around my home . I could tell the judge my history from the time Daniel put a butcher knife to my neck to the present and why I feel he is a danger to me . I had presented docket numbers and police records before in the court paperwork . I had my daughter with me as a witness and if need be , as one schooled in the behaviors of psychopaths . The idea was simply to get a PFA so if he was caught by the police harassing me , stalking me , damaging my property , he could be picked up and let the courts decide what to do with him at that present time . Posted by sorceressofthedark on January 8 , 2013 With this new year , many bloggers have posted their thought of resolutions and good tidings for others . I , too , want the same for many . And this year , I want peace for myself . There are many reasons to be thankful . I have survived a horrible relationship and can still attempt to be in another . That 's reason to give thanks . Some tell me they are amazed that I would even want to try . I believe that 's human nature to want companionship . Although my idea of human companionship is somewhat stilted by my scope of what has happened in my entire life I 'm still willing to give it a try . By no means am I perfect . I set very definite parameters when I begin dating someone . And these parameters are exceedingly strict . For someone my age , they might even seem Victorian in nature . Although my soul can be passionate in nature , I tell any prospective partners that any promiscuity is not on the table at all in the beginning stages of the relationship . I don 't need to be boggled down with intimacy problems while I am attempting to learn about one 's soul and mind . Is that something that the psychopath has done to me ? Or is that something that society has fostered in me ? I grew up with a hippie attitude , my individualism unchecked , free to explore . I 've always felt that what two people do consensually together is right . I still do . I also know that many women feel the only way to keep a man or to attempt to hold on to him is through their bodies . And that 's just not me . I believe your body is your vessel . But that goes both ways and for both genders . The psychopath destroyed a part of me that made me love intimacy . Part of me knows how another person can fake intimacy so well . How they can take what is supposed to be something special and twist it into something ludicrously fake . So I learned to hold back . And never want to trust another human being again . I look in the eyes of others and wonder how , if ever , can they be trusted . I 've been struggling with this concept for a number of years . This year I 've decided to not struggle so hard with it anymore . I 'm not going to allow what has happened in the past alter my future so precariously . Which is not to say that I 'm going to blatantly trust anyone again . I 'm not . By no means , I 'm not . They will have to earn my trust , step by step , inch by inch . And if they 're not willing to do so , that 's their loss . Because I 'm worth it . I 'm worth every step , inch by inch . I know it . And they should realize this . They should take the time to realize this . It shows me that they aren 't worth my time and effort . That they aren 't willing to give another human being the time and effort to see within them like I am . If that 's the case , I 'm just as happy to spend time with my pets , my family , and my friends . I don 't need to seek out the companionship of someone that can 't emotionally attach themselves without hidden agendas . Emotions should be real . Feelings should be felt . Communication should be expressed . These are all items that I have had the luxury to think about over the last few years and toss in my mind , crumble into pieces and decide just how I feel they should be interpreted in a significant relationship . An honest relationship takes time , it doesn 't happen overnight . If it 's real , it will be there a year from now . Don 't let anyone tell you differently . The psychopath will give you many reasons to disbelieve yourself and your immediately burgeoning feelings . He will attempt to sway your thoughts towards him . He will make you swoon immediately and tell you there is no one like you . He will tell you things about yourself that you thought no one ever could say . The love he declares for you is quick to his point but not to yours . Simply because the game he is playing is his . The heart he holds in his hand is yours , never his . Because he doesn 't have a heart . Always remember that . So as 2013 begins , I look refreshed to this year . I 'm happier than I 've ever been . My life is good . I have a new outlook . I 've recovered from the MVA 110 % . Although that was one of Daniel 's attempted murder attempts on me , I survived . I survived miraculously . From a wheelchair , to a walker , to canadian crutches to just being myself again . I survived him wielding a butcher knife to my neck . I endured sexual abuse that no woman should ever have to face . My homes have been invaded , my personal possessions stolen , my identity stolen , my pets murdered in cold blood . All at the hands of a diagnosed psychopath that should have been locked up years ago and has slipped through our feeble system . All of that is slowly fading now , albeit it seems it was yesterday at times . Post Traumatic Stress will always be with me , I cannot change that . But I can move forward day by day and spit back in his face . Trumpcare pre - existing conditions will cost this . And he considers pregnancy and autism pre - existing conditions . Is … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 1 month ago |
Tomorrow is New Years Eve . Time is marching on and it will soon be 2011 . Sometimes time seems to stand still . Other times it flies fast as hummingbird wings . Time is snails pace for Elbert . He has no concept of time or place or things or people . Yet , I am marching on with life as best I know how . Seeing family , paying bills , cleaning a messy house ( how is it that one person can make such a mess ? ) and so on . Time is not constant . It weaves in and out of our lives , marking life 's events but no one can put a label on it . It is that measure we give each thought , each act , each kindness , each ache . Today my time has been filled with returning from a trip ( all that unpacking , laundry , organizing ) and visiting with Elbert . How my feet flew at home with each task . How my feet were slow , oh so slow , as I wheeled Elbert down to feed him . Tough chore today . I noticed for the first time that he did not seem to know how to swallow liquids . ( tea or water ) . It was swished around in his mouth and then held there . I rubbed his throat ( I 'd seen him do that trying to get a dog to swallow pills ) and finally it would go down . . . . if it did not spill out onto the bib . Time . . . I would love a ton more time with my sweet hubby but not like this . Time is crawling and it 's painful to live in this time frame . Don 't you just love it when your loved one is having a good day ? Elbert was pretty good today and that was special because it is our 60th wedding anniversary . Of course , I drove down to spend some time with him . It was cold on Dec . 10 , 1950 when we ran off and got married . That was 60 years ago . Today was a very special day indeed . I had Elbert with me and we would celebrate however his mind and body would allow . Elbert seemed somewhat agitated when I got there , just about wringing his thumb off with his other hand . Finally he settled down and ate his lunch . Fish , grits and stewed tomatoes . I thought that was a dumb meal but took a bite and you know , I may make me some of that fish and tomatoes . I 'm a Southern gal and grits is for breakfast , people . I wheeled Elbert out to the lobby where a big Christmas tree was decorated and lighted . He seemed to enjoy looking at that . We went into the dining room to listen to a high school glee club singing Christmas carols in the dining room . That agitation was evidently still lingering under the surface because when the glee club started singing a really jivey tune from the 1980s by JOURNEY he started getting out of his chair . I pulled him back and he drew back to hit me . Then he started shoving the table around so we scooted out of there in a hurry . As soon as he was away from the noise he was alright . It wasn 't the wonderful anniversaries that we had celebrated in the past . But , we were together , that 's all that mattered . Posted by Yep , one foot at a time , we march on . The scenery around us is changing and it makes me sad . Since Elbert moved into the nursing home ( mid August ) he has gone from being fairly responsive to not responding as much and when he does he 's ' out of it ' and makes no sense . He went from feeding himself to having to have some help and now he has to be fed . . . . and he isn 't eating nearly as much . I see his bony legs and arms and know that he has lost a good deal of weight . He slumps in the wheel chair ( when he can be in one ) or lies with his legs drawn up almost to his chin when he is in the ' reclining wheel chair ' or bed . He has his days and nights mixed up so that he sleeps all day and they have to watch him carefully at night as he is awake and restless . How did we come to this ? Oh , yes , we got here because of Alzhiemers . When I went to see him this morning he was lying in bed in an almost fetal position his skinny long legs out from under the cover and cold . One sock on , one sock off . When I tried to straighten his legs he was as stiff as could be and I could not budge him . So , I sat and tried to talk to him but mostly he had his eyes closed . I knew he heard me because he would move his hands or sometime say something . Finally I asked him if he wanted me to read to him . You see , I have such a hard time just sitting , staring at the man I love whose body is there but ' he ' is gone . So , I take some handwork or my Kindle to read from . I was just starting ' A Christmas Carol ' . I 'd seen it on tv many times but I had never read it before . He nodded his head that he was willing to listen to me drone on and on page after page so I began reading . After awhile I heard him snoring so I eased out of the room and came home . It 's so hard to see him like this . The children particularly are having a difficult time visiting their Dad . The wonderful memories of their growing up with a loving father is now being muddied with the memories of his mutterings , and staring into space with vacant eyes and lying in bed almost unrecognizable . TheyLatane Barton It was held outside in the parking lot and the weather was cloudy and a bit nippy , typical Fall weather . John , Shirley , Jon , Brittany with Elbert . He would not turn loose of my coat . As I said it was a bit nippy and that coat was keeping his hands warm . Men from Consulate cooking up free hamburgers and hot dogs . Here , Honey , take another bite ! ! He 's still holding onto my coat . Shirley trying to entice him with cotton candy but he 'd rather have the sucker . Give me a little love , Dad . . . . it 's time for us to go . Posted by As I walked down the hallway yesterday to visit Elbert he was in his usual place by the nurses station and a residents daughter , Susan , was talking to him . I saw him glance up and see me coming down the hall . . . and his eyesight is awful and he won 't wear his glasses so I know his sight is atrocious . But , there is this huge grin on his face and by the time I reached his chair he was just beaming . So , was I ! ! ! After lunch I started pushing him around the nursing home and occassionally we 'd stop in this ' living room ' or that waiting room or the front entrance hall for a few minutes to give him and me a change of scenery . . . . and me to catch my breath . That man is heavy . I was totally amazed at his focus and the things coming out of that man 's mouth . Once he noticed one of the aides helping feed someone at the other end of the table and he said , ' I think someone down there is pretty ' . I asked if he thought she was pretty and he nodded his head . A compliment out of him . Good . Once he commented on what a big house that was . Yep , he 's got that right . I got to testing his arm muscles , giving a little squeeze and asked him what he had done with all that muscle , that it was gone . And his reply was ' it would be good if I had some ' . There was more chatter . . . something about what I thought of Miami . . . . Miami , where did that come from ? We 've never even been to Miami . And , he was paying attention to other people talking so he was enjoying himself tremendously . But , the best part of all was when I started to wheel him down the hall that little stinker stuck his feet out in front of him , started making the varoom , varoom sound of a car , put his hands out and started ' turning the wheel ' . He was driving ! ! I just wish I had someone in front of us with a video camera . It was just the funniest thing and so alert and fun loving , just like he used to be . Just look at this picture . . . . . He 's right in the midst of telling a big tale here , his favorite thing to do . Posted by I was thinking about my grandmother the other day . . . I remember her sitting in her rocking chair watching the traffic go by . My aunt cooked , cleaned ( she was never married so the task of caregiving fell in her lap ) and ' Ma ' just sat , content with her life as it went on down that road . She was a cute little ole woman and lived to be 100 . And , my own mother . . . She was my age now ( 76 ) when my step - dad passed away and we moved her into a mobile home across our little driveway . In the beginning Mom did a little cooking for herself , she still drove to the grocery store occassionally and to church on Sunday but I can 't remember her being bogged down with all the cares of the world . One of my memories is of her watching Elbert mow her grass and she 'd run out with a drink of water for him , or he 'd take her over a piece of pie or some food when she couldn 't get out . . . or her sitting on her front porch watching butterflies in her yard . I haven 't sat and watched a butterfly in ages . No time . I am really feeling all the pressure of this Alzheimers disease . Now , that 's something no one is ever prepared for , Alzheimer 's I mean . Remember when everyone was talking about the Big C ( meaning cancer ) . It was during John Wayne 's cancer that we started hearing the term Big C . a lot and we all began to wonder and worry and perhaps we did a few things to help prevent the disease , at least for a little while . No one to my knowledge has called Alzheimers the Big A . and no one prepared us for what lay ahead if a loved one got it . We wouldn 't have believed them if they had told us . Nope , I wasn 't prepared Big Time . Over the last few years I have met many challenges that I wasn 't prepared for . . . the sleepless nights , the chasing after Elbert in the middle of the night after he escaped the house , the cleaning up constant Poop ( sorry , that may be offensive but it 's the truth ) , the trying to get him up off the floor after his daily falls , the answering the same question a kazillion times a day . And finally after it all became overwhelming he did move into a nursing home . . . . and here comes the financial part of it . Worry , worry , worry . The last few months have been tremendously trying ( and thank God , for Shirley without whom I could not wade my way through all this financial mess ) She 's my ray of sunshine ! ! Today I would like to thank my Shirley . . . . it hasn 't been easy . . . . but you have been amazing . I thank God for you , for you are a true blessing . And , geez , you can be so funny right when I am at my lowest . Posted by As I was driving to the nursing home yesterday my mind wandered back to other long ago Fall days when the air was crisp and the sun was lemon yellow . I recalled a special time with my Mother , who has been gone since 1996 . Elbert loved my Mom and the feeling was mutual . She lived across the driveway from us in her mobile home ( so I could keep an eye on her ) and Elbert looked after her just like I did . It was cool that day , the leaves had turned and Elbert knew that Mom would enjoy a brief trip down to the pasture . The grazing land was edged with maple , oak , dogwood , sourwood , everything to make some beautiful colors that time of the year . ' Let 's take your Mom for a spin ' . he said So , we put her in the truck , he opened the pasture gate and away we went , bumpy , bumpy . The cows were used to him feeding them hay from the back of the truck so naturally they all came running . Elbert rode as close to the trees as he could and then he took off across the pasture . He knew where a persimmon tree was and since we 'd had a frost the persimmons ought to be good and sweet . Mom was delighted to see the heavily loaded tree and she got out and ate just about as many as a possum would ! ! That 's just the sweet , kind - hearted kind of man Elbert was . Special times indeed . I don 't see that side of his personality now . He 's struggling to stay Elbert but it sure is hard . Yesterday , he was very unfocused . Maybe tomorrow will be a better day . Gee , I wonder if that persimmon tree is still down in what used to be our pasture ? Posted by I promised you a post on my resolve to turn a new page in my life , So , here it is . I am working hard on maintaining that resolve . Old habits are hard to break . Sometimes you just can 't turn the page all at once . Things on the preceeding pages hold our attention . But , like I say . . . . I am trying . Life with Alzheimers has been , and is , a tough struggle . I 've laid aside so much of who I was so that I could concentrate on taking care of Elbert . He is the # 1 priority because he is ' near and dear ' and the love of my life . Each change in him means a new role for me . When he moved to Magnolia Manor Assisted Living , that involved embracing new ideas , new schedules , new ways of doing things . And , now with him in the nursing home I am opening a new chapter for myself . His care is basically out of my hands . . . . except , of course , what I chose to do . And , at this age , what my energy level will allow me to undertake . This new journey I am on does not mean that he is less to me or that I am abandoning our love or our commitment to each other . After all come Dec . 10th of this year we will have been married 60 years ! ! ! I 've had so much stress on me for so long and it has taken it 's toll . I 've taken anti - depressants to keep me out of a deep dark hole and sometimes that did not even work . Problems ( children , in - laws , grandkids , friends and people who claim to be my friend ) seem to creep through the walls of my life . Some of them recognize the need to protect me , some do not . The two weeks that I was in New York ( and I always come back from Susan 's renewed ) was a wake - up call for me . There was time to reflect , to plan , to figure out what Elbert would want for me now that he can no longer help me make decisions and join me in the joys of our life together . I decided it was time to close some doors ( maybe a whole bunch of them ) and open some new ones . Ones that will give me peace and joy and less stress . My taking care of Elbert and myself are the main concern . So , I need to get on with that . I decided I would rid myself of what I could of stress - related things . I would fill my days with joy and peace and contentment . I would find those things that opened my mind to new and exciting ventures ( now , I did not say ADventures although there may be some of those , too ) . I want to grow and learn and be healthy ( not on anti - depressan ' Today is the first day of the rest of my life . . . and what I do with it . . . . is up to me ! ! ' Enough said . Life does throw us curve balls , gives us books that we do not wish to even turn the first page , much less read a whole chapter . But , how we deal with those curves in the road is really up to us . We learn to steer clear of potholes , we take the scenic route instead of the freeway where the traffic is scary and dangerous . We find our spirituality and let God guide our every step . I will take time for myself . . . . I will learn new things . . . . I will lean on the everlasting strength that God provides . . . . I will not let dark corners of life engulf me . . . I will stop and smell the roses . . . There is bright light ahead , a dawning of a new day . Elbert can not walk with me on much of this new path . Although he is still with me in body , Alzheimers took the man I knew and loved away from me years ago . I cherish each and every moment I have left with him and I know that he would be the first to cheer me on as I walk into the light . Posted by Rain . You asked if we 'd had rain ? hummmm , don 't recall but it 's not raining today . You ask silly questions so . . . . . . . . . . . Elbert and I were in the living room waiting on lunchtime . He had been glad to see me this dreary Monday morning . So , we are sitting there and he is more talkative than he has been in a long time . But , I can 't understand a word he is saying . He is inventing his own language . Sure wasn 't Japanese . . . or Swahili or even English . Just sounds he was using to get his point across . They were Elbert sounds and that was music to my ears . He grew quiet then I heard his soft voice humming a tune . I leaned nearer . . . yes , he was humming ' The Battle Hymn of the Republic ' and he hummed it all the way through . Me , I am always pushing a little harder trying to get a little more out of him so I asked him to help me sing ' Amazing Grace ' . He grew up on ' Amazing Grace ' and has retained the wording of that good ole hymn . . . . until today . I started it off ' Amazing Grace , how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like me ' . . . . He was singing , yes , the words were coming out . But , they were in his newly found language . Oh well , he knew the tune . That was something to rejoice about . Posted by Shirley and I buzzed down to see Elbert yesterday . As usual he was in rare form . . . . when he was focused . But , you just aren 't going to get him to come back from his little world way out in space until he is ready . So , there are times of connecting and times I just pull my embroidery out and work while I wait for him to return . He never ceases to amaze me and I am so overjoyed at getting any semblance of normalcy out of him I just find everything he says funny . I laugh a lot when I am with him and that is a good thing . Sometimes he knows he 's being cute , too . And , of all things , Shirley was making a photo of him with her cell phone and the little stinker was ' posing ' . Oh , yes , that man is still in there wandering around somewhere . I had on a skirt with a rather ' loud ' print in black and white . He looked at it and then commented ' That sure is black and white ' . ' Yep ' I said . and he came back with ' There 's nothing you can do about it ' . I laughed and laughed . Nope , there wasn 't a thing I could do with that flowered print . He sure was right about that . Seeing that he recognized his colors I decided to ask him if he could name our children . That was nowhere in his brain so it did not happen . So , I asked if he knew Elbert and Willie and did they go together . He said ' Well , part time they could ' . That made me stop and think . . . . We are together part time now , he in the nursing home and me back home and we are together when I go visit . Could he have been referring to that ? Did that little brain connector link up with another little brain connector and he knew we weren 't together all the time ? Wow . One day when I visited he was sleeping in the bed . I gotta quit going to the nursing home late in the afternoon . That 's his naptime . I shook him and asked him if he was sleeping . He begrudging nodded yes then he added , ' You can crawl in the bed with me if you want ' . Ahhhh . sharing time . Elbert and I welcomed our second great - grandson into this world on Monday afternoon . A new beginning . He is so adorable . Of course , all great grandmothers would say that their little greats are the most beautiful babies ever . But , I sort of think you will forgive me for saying that Vann is just the most beautiful baby . And , I am happy to report there is a new beginning for us older folks , too . Elbert is making some slow recovery but he is anxious to get out of that wheelchair so they asked yesterday if I would agree to their starting some physical therapy with him . Of course , I said yes . My visit yesterday was really good . I wheeled him into a large tv , sitting room and we did manage to visit there for a few minutes then the room started filling up with residents . The activity director told me there was another smaller , very quiet living room down the hall and so we went there and talked some , he napped some and I even dragged out some embordiery I had taken with me . It was kind of like being at home . The nurse said that they have started calling Elbert ' Dr . Barton ' . Why , I asked . ' Oh ' she said . ' After lunch he gets restless to get out of the wheelchair so we just wheel him into the nurses station and park him at the desk . He 's written quite a few ' orders ' for the residents here ' ( grin ) And , that is where I left him yesterday , sitting at the nurses desk , shuffling papers around . ( gee whiz , I wish I 'd had my camera with me ) Let 's see . . . how long ago was the drs . telling us it wouldn 't be long and to prepare ourselves . Amazing God , amazing Elbert . . . . well , I 've always known that ! ! Posted by It 's years and years and years since the Korean War . To think about that makes me feel so old . To tell the truth Elbert and I are in our sunset years . Back then we were young and foolish and in love . . . . . . . and apart . Elbert was a radioman aboard a ship and it was his job ( along with the other radiomen ) to take and receive messages in teletype or morse code . Sometimes the guys took a break ( look at the mustache on that handsome face . Only time he ever grew one ) And once Elbert got caught napping . ( he wasn 't on duty so he didn 't get in trouble ) Until recently that man could still send morse code messages . . . . dit , dit , dot , dit . Even with his mind wrapped tightly with Alzheimers he remembered those codes . How strangely the brain gets tangled , all twisted and warped and then suddenly a light flickers for just a moment . . . . and his hand goes out to touch the key again dit , dit , dot , dit . Posted by Life . . . . a four letter word . Could be a good four - letter word or a bad one . It all depends . Just exactly what is Life ? A gift from God for sure and one we should be eternally grateful for . In my American Heritage School Dictionary I find the definition : Life : The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and nonliving matter , shown in the ability to grow , carry on metabolism , respond to stimuli and reproduce . That tells me nothing other than life is just being . Tadpoles have life ! ! Life is so much more . The quality of life depends on blessings from above and our ability to put those blessings to work for the good of mankind ( others , family , friends and for ourselves ) . If we do not , then life turns into a sour , useless void . When life is nearing it 's end how do we define the life we have lived ? Can we say we honored the great gift of life by being and giving and loving or do we say it 's been that useless waste ? I have been thinking about life lately as I watch Elbert 's life ebb away . I can say for a certainty that he lived his life honorably , loving , giving . He took care of his family , he enjoyed life and living . He loved his God and he 's been blessed . Now , that 's the true meaning of LIFE . Posted by I have been going down each day to visit . He 's extremely weak and his speech isn 't as clear as it was but he does make some sentences that are recognizable . He asked yesterday ' where is Mike ? ' Michael and his wife left a couple days ago . Did he remember that Michael had been here or was it a random thought connecting with memories in his head ? I 'd like to think that he remembered parts of the week long visit while Michael and Susan were here . But , then , of course , we hang on to what we want happen , not what is happening most times . It just about broke my heart to leave him at the nursing home . A different reason , a different scenario than when we left him at Magnolia Manor . This seemed so final . At Magnolia there were people walking around , talking , watching tv , they seemed to have some ' life ' left in them . At the nursing home the beds are filled with patients who are sick and maybe dying , wheelchairs go up and down the hallways . It 's a sad , sad place . Shirley and I walked back to the car after leaving Elbert and just collapsed into each others arms and cried . Life has many twists and turns . This is one turn I just as soon not come upon . This Alzheimers is something I just can 't figure out . After the last post ( with his kidneys not working properly and being told they were beginning to shut down ) I asked that Elbert be put on ' comfort care ' . He was moved to another part of the hospital and all ivs and meds taken away except fluids with a small amount of glucose . I was satisfied , especially so after the dr . agreed wholeheartly , that it was the right thing to do . And , then . . . . God does perform miracles . His kidneys started with more output , his oxygen level got near normal and he started talking our ears off . And , what he said made sense . And , this from a man who had not communicated with us for months . We just had the best time yesterday . When asked what football team he would root for . . . his emphatic answer was ' Bama ' . He talked about a pretty girl and when I asked if that was his wife he said , ' NO , it wasn 't her ' . hehe . He mentioned the county we used to live in , the town , our community and two cousins . He counted something in the air ( make - believe ) and once said something about something to see . I asked ' what ' and he said , ' you know , S - E - E . Once he had my hand and started pulling it to his face . I asked , ' Are you going to kiss me ' and he said , ' yes , if I could ' so I bent down and we kissed . I was just amazed , excited and enjoying every minute yesterday . Finally late afternoon he dozed off . Worn out I guess . Wish the news was better but life is what it is . In the last few days I had been told by three of the staff at the hospital that Elbert was not going to get better . My gut feeling yesterday morning was that they were telling me the truth and they just confirmed what I already knew in my heart . Elbert had gotten severely dehydrated at Magnolia Manor and had been rushed to the hospital . It 's been a devastating struggle so far . I kept trying to see the doctor yesterday but it never happened . So , with what I knew and what I was being told I asked the nurse to put a request in for ' comfort care ' for Elbert on his chart . The Doctor this morning said I had done the right thing . That is always reassuring to know we have done what we needed to do even if it is a difficult decision . He had been in a ' step - down ' unit but today they moved him to a regular room . The antibotics are gone as are any of his regular medications . He is being given halladol to try and keep him calm and morphine . And , we sit and watch and wait . . . . . . He has not been responsive to conversation on much of a level for quite awhile . But , amazingly enough , the last couple of days he has talked our heads off . He has tons of ' junk ' as the cute little nurse puts it , in his throat so he is gurgling loudly . Hard to make out a lot of all this talking he 's doing but we have understood all we need to . He has told us he loves us . He puckered up and kissed Marie on the cheek this morning . He smiled when told he is expecting a great - grandbaby and even arm wrestled with Shirley ( He got her , too ) . It seems that he is doing all he can to make sure we know that we are loved . And , I know he feels the love he is being showered with . But , there comes a time in life when life must cease . I know that God will watch over me and the family as he gathers Elbert in His arms . I have already told God that it 's ' okay ' if He takes Elbert home . On the other hand , Elbert is getting combative and very restless . He 's hard to handle and we are getting worn out already but the end of the journey is yet down the road . Daughter Susan came down for a visit bringing our two grandsons , Griffin and Tighe . It had been too long since they had been for a visit . This visit for Griffin , I think , was a bit of a shock to see his Grandpa not even conversive . I felt badly for him , he so idolizes his Grandpa , says Grandpa is his hero . When we arrived we found Elbert sitting on the sofa in the living room area with his arm around Louise and she 's fast asleep . Elbert wasn 't much better . I wondered how it affected Griffin ( and Susan ) to see their Dad / Granddad with his arm around another woman but I never asked . I thought it best be left alone . We started to walk Elbert into the dining room so we all could sit at a table and visit . It was too close to dinnertime to take him all the way down to his room and back again . Well , he couldn 't make but one or two steps and began falling . Thank goodness big strong grandson Griffin was there . . . . So , out came the wheelchair for Elbert . I found out that he had fallen twice already yesterday . I am worried about how much longer they are going to deal with the falling . It 's so frequent . And , one of these days he is going to break a bone . . . or two or even more . Elbert was a little more responsive once we got to the table . He didn 't say much but did toss a ball back and forth with the grandchildren . And , arm - wrestled with Griffin . Griffin let his Granddad win . . . . twice . Good thinking , Griffin ! ! It was getting close to dinnertime and residents started wandering in . One sat down next to Tighe who happened to be playing with ' Cranky ' a crane in the Thomas the Train set . She asked him what it was and Tighe , who is 2 1 / 2 said , ' it 's Cranky ' . ' Oh ' , she said , ' Tracy ' . ' No , Cranky ' , Tighe corrects her . and she says ' Tracy ' . . . . this goes on for awhile and Tighe is getting a bit ticked that this woman keeps calling his toy Tracy so he corrects her again . He 's never ugly about it but just keeps up the No , Cranky response . She never got it ! ! It actually was funny . We were laughing at the two of them , one old lady and a liLatane Barton The other day when I was posting about Elbert whistling all the time I knew that I did not have a picture of him in the act . But , lo and behold , while I was scanning some photos for daughter Shirley I found one . Just had to share . This was taken at our 50th wedding anniversary celebration . . . . Shirley was dancing with her Dad while he whistled the tune to her . Precious memories . Posted by Elbert was sitting in a recliner in the dining room all by himself . The tape player was playing oldies . I said hi and his smile warmed my heart . I pulled up a chair and took out the ' Birds and Blooms ' magazine that I had just received . He commented particularly on the ' red birds ' and ' the pretty flowers ' , looking through the pages twice . I was looking at the AARP magazine and found a picture of Andy Griffith . He enjoyed my chatter about the tv show and then I noticed he was singing along with the tape that was on . ' Blue Skies , smiling at me , nothing but blue skies do I see . ' Yep , the skies sure are bluer these days . He 's more alert . I am loving it . We put the magazines away and he was telling me some big tale about Walker County . It made no sense but he had mentioned the place we lived before we moved to Virginia . And , then he said something about ' old lady McCoy ' . The McCoys owned a store in the community where Elbert grew up . His brain was pulling bits and pieces of old memories to the surface . Wow . He 's not called anyones name , not even mine or the childrens much less anyone else , in a very long time . Then along came a girl with a dog . . . . a labradoodle ( did I spell that right ? ) . Elbert always owned dogs but he had shown no interest in any therapy dog that had visited the home before . But , here he was , commenting on how pretty she was and his eyes followed her as she pranced about at the end of her leash . Dinnertime was approaching and residents began to drift into the dining room . Mr . G . had been pacing back and forth trying to exit first one door then the other . He 's been at the home maybe a month and is just not settled in yet . He stopped to ask Elbert if he knew the doors were locked and Elbert told him ' Yes , I 've heard that ' . Miss Cutie Pie ( the 99 year old ) came in and sat down at her table ready for food . I gave my goodbyes and headed home before Miss Meany made her appearance . Just better that way . ( grin ) Posted by Daughter Shirley visited Elbert Friday and came home telling me that he was not verbalizing much , kept his head down . . . . so different than what Marie and I had witnessed on Thursday . I was upset . Suppose that medicine ( the Ritalin ) was not working . But , today Elbert was talkative and alert . He even mentioned his cousins that we used to live by . It was just the sir name that he recalled but he had not even thought about them for a very long time . So , I 'm thrilled again . Boy , this Alzheimers mess is a roller coaster ride . You go up , up , up climbing to the top and then there 's a sudden crash to the bottom only to climb up again . Full of surprises , good and bad . Oh , I wanted to mention that Elbert 's sister has Alzheimers . She has recently been placed in a home after a long and very trying time for the family . I ask you remember them in your prayers , please . Posted by Was today ever fun in The Garden ! ! Marie and I went for a visit and at our voice Elbert 's head shot up and he smiled at us . And , for the entire visit we were just in awe at the change in that man . He was alert , engaging , funny . . . . nearly like he was a year ago . Elbert has been put on a trial test using ritilin . Never heard that used for Alzheimers before . It 's for ADD but it is working and I 'm not complaining one iota . I just hope that it continues to keep him alert . . . . and fun . . . . Martha , the director , came by with ice cream . He would not decide which flavor he wanted and finally told her he 'd take both . That was so like him , the man who used to eat anything and everything was not going to turn anything away . So , she gave him chocolate . He would not feed himself so I started scooping spoonfuls and fed him . Nearly to the finish line with the ice cream race , he announced he had to make a potty run . I laughed at him so hard when he came out of the bathroom . He was always such a jokester so it was great to see a little of that in him again . As he walked toward me he was scratching one side ( like you do when you are imitating a monkey ) so I said , ' I have found me a monkey ' to which he very snappily replied , ' no , I 've found me one ' and pointed right at me . . . and he smiled . Oh my , how I loved it . He continued saying funny little things . He looked through two picture albums ( before today he would turn a couple pages and then lay it aside . . . . more progress ) . He filled his cheek full of air so I started punching it and as the air would escape he 'd make this big whooshing sound . You could tell he was having fun . When we got ready to leave I leaned over and asked for a kiss and that little stinker would NOT kiss me . See that silly little grin on his face . He 'd make smacking sounds with his lips and grin but he would not lean over for a real kiss . I asked , ' you not going to kiss me ? ' and he shook his head no . Okay , dokey . . . . buddy you asked for it for I gave him a big one . Another residents wife came by and said , ' I have to tell you . As I started into the Garden to visit Glenn ( her husband ) I could see your husband and Glenn standing in the hall just chatting up a storm . So I stayed just outside the door and watched . It was so good to see ' . I appreciated her sharing that with me so much . It affirmed my feelings that this med may be the answer to our prayers . I left that place feeling like I was on cloud nine . They had told me that when they started the ritalin they weren 't sure which way it would go . . . . would it work ? would it not ? They also told me he is staying awake a lot more , walking up and down the halls , talking more . Great news . I just pray so hard that he continues to be more like he used to be . Posted by As Shirley and I were out and about yesterday we swung by to visit with Elbert . We had bought us each a strawberry milkshake at Sonic and got Elbert a chocolate one . Didn 't want the strawberry chunks to get caught in his straw . Shirley asked ' Dad , you want a milkshake ? ' His eyes flew open and he nodded his head . He put the straw in his mouth and didn 't take it out . Well , I thought to myself , he doesn 't know how to pull that liquid up through the straw but Shirley said , ' Mom , his adams apple is going up and down . He 's swallowing ' . Wow . . . . After a few short minutes we heard the slurping sound of straw pulling just air up , no shake left in the cup . He looked diasappointed . I had some still in my cup so I asked him if he wanted the rest of mine . Yes , a big yes . So , he down that as well . I think he would have sat there for an hour drinking milk shakes if we had anymore . I will always remember how much enjoyment he got and I promise to bring shakes to him more often . Posted by Elbert got a knot on his head Tuesday night . Fell again . So , I headed over Wednesday morning to see how he was doing . There he was sitting at the table in the dining room eyes closed but he smiled at me when I spoke to him and I actually got a bit of conversation out of him for a half hour and then he closed those eyes again and was out like a light . But , talking was fun for a little while . He seemed briefly interested when I mentioned that it was cooler outside . I even started naming off places we had lived when he was in the Navy and when I was finished I asked if he remembered any of them and he nodded his head . Now , to tell you the truth , I don 't know if he remembers anything about his Navy days or any other days but it was comforting to me to have that response out of him . If he only knew what an appropriate word or two means to me . . . . . . . . . . . . but I take what I can get and ask for nothing else . Posted by My visit with Elbert yesterday was tough . When I got there he was sitting in a chair in the living room sound asleep and nobody could rouse him from his slumber . I sat waiting and occasionally I would try to talk to him but he was out like he 's been hit by a truck . A half hour later ( it seemed longer ) I got him awake enough to move him to the couch with me and soon he slid sideways , leaning toward me . ' Do you want to put your head on my shoulder ' I asked . He nodded so I positioned myself to where he could rest his head and that is how we stayed for an hour and a half . We were holding hands and sometimes he 'd rub my leg with his other hand . And , once his hand got to my knee . Now , I am very ticklish about my knees and he used to do that just to hear me squeal . I asked , ' Are you tickling my knee ? ' No responseI asked again and this time he nodded very slightly and smiled . A glimmer of remembrance perhaps . Yep , yesterday was an oh geez sort of day . I was chatting with one of the staff as we had waited for him to wake up and she said that he sleeps nearly all the time now . I know that some of that time it appears that he is asleep when he just does not want to join the world around him . And , I know , too , that sleeping in a symptom of later stages of Alzheimers . She also told me that the man that I knew , the one who would eat anything and everything is now not eating nearly as much . That 's a concern . They 've even tried to feed him but he clamps his mouth shut and shakes his head . This too is a symptom of later stages . So , I came home depressed and worried . It was almost as if he had laid his head on my shoulder knowing that soon he would not be able to do that . No one has a clue as to how long Alzheimer 's patients live as each patient is different . I just feel like we have taken one more step toward that door . Posted by Did you ever turn on the tv and hear Andy Griffith whistling as he and Opie headed down to the fishing hole ? You can still see those programs on one of the cable channels . Sometimes when I am sitting with Elbert I turn it on just to recall happier times . After Elbert retired from his job teaching in 1990 he took up the habit of whistling everywhere he went . He was just such a happy person , always satisfied with what life had to dish out and he expressed that by whistling . I knew the minute he walked in the back door . I could hear his whistling before I heard the door creak open . It was such a joyful sound . Then , one day the whistling stopped . He seems to have forgotten how to purse his lips to make a tune come out . Or perhaps he has forgotten the tunes altogether . Our world we live in is silent now and I miss that whistling husband a whole bunch . Posted by Happy Father 's Day to the Father of my children . We all love you and wish you the best on this day of celebrating Dads . Marie and her Dad enjoying rocking outside ' The Cracker Barrel ' Susan and Shirley getting big hugs from their DadMichael and his Dad checking out a display in Kansas City . Posted by I was sitting with Elbert at The Garden today and was watching the activity about me . And , I got to thinking about how much The Garden is like a houseful of children . Seventeen of them ! ! ! Old Mother Hubbard and her shoe full of little kiddies . Some of them wear depends ( diapers ) , some of them need help walking , some are toddering along on their own , Some were babbling ( you couldn 't understand a word they said much like little babies cooing ) Some are wanting ice cream ( chocolate , please ) , every single one of them needed taking to the bathroom before mealtime . One had slipped down in her chair and needed uprighting , one had lost a shoe . ' Diddle diddle dumpling my son John went to bed with his stockings one , one shoe off the other shoe on . ' Some of them had been playing games , and some ( including Elbert ) was napping very nicely ! ! I just admire those caring souls who are so willing to care for all seventeen of them with whatever they might need . It 's amazing . Posted by Today was a good day with Elbert . The temp was in the mid 80s so I found him and the other residents in the courtyard enjoying the sunshine . After lunch we sat down on the love seat in the living area and I asked him if he wanted me to read some out of his Bible to him and he said yes . So , I scooted down to his room to retrieve the Bible he used the last few years of his ministry . I started reading Psalms and my reading caught the attention of a couple other residents and they listened for a bit . They particularly liked Psalm 23 for it was a memory from long ago and quite recognizable to them , even in their confused state . The new ' residents ' of the Garden joined right in by singing for us . They are two parakeets and they are named ' Adam ' and Eve ' since they now live in ' The Garden ' . The more I read aloud , the louder they sang . It was quite a challenge to make myself heard over their cheerful notes . But , that was alright . They are such pretty birds and their singing fills the air with music . Louise ( Elbert 's ' friend ' ) was restless today and she gave me quite a scare more than once . When I went down to Elbert 's room I knew he was sitting on the love seat back in the living room area . . . Imagine how startled I was to have someone say ' hello ' as I walked into the room . Yep , it was Louise sitting on Elbert 's bed . She wasn 't having any of going back to the living room with me so I left her there knowing she 'd soon follow , which she did . Later I had scooted out on the edge of my seat so I could face Elbert to talk to him when all of a sudden a hand started going up my back . It was Louise . You see , I was taking up all of Elbert 's time and she was moving in on us big time . But , as I prepared to leave I passed the rocker she was sitting in and she grabbed my hand and said , ' my name is Louise ' so I told her my name . She kissed my hand so I gave her a hug . Then I gave Elbert a big hug and a kiss and told him I 'd see him later . Posted by Today it hit me why I have so much trouble attending church . Elbert has been a member of the Primitive Baptist Church since he was 17 years old . I joined after we had been married for several years ( the children were small ) so attending church is something that we always did together . After he became an ordained minister our church attendance was something that was a true bond between us . Then came the Alzheimer 's and as we struggled through years of first one trial after another where I could not take him out publicly we sat home on Sunday , listening to church hymns and an occassional sermon on the tape player . He loved the soothing sound of the singing but it got to where he could not comprehend the words from the preacher . Once Elbert was placed in Magnolia Manor I started going back to church some . But , I found it very difficult to go alone , not having him sitting beside me or me listening to him in the pulpit preaching . And , I would be somewhat relieved when something would come up to prevent me from going . ( sickness , bad weather , bad driving conditions etc ) . Today when I got to church I sat down in the pew where I always sat with Elbert , picked up my hymnal , opened my mouth to sing and the tears started to flow . I didn 't want anyone to notice so I tried to hold them in check but that was impossible . The notes coming out of my mouth were garbled and off - key . So , I made a retreat for the bathroom and tried talking to myself . ' Look you . There are members out in that congregation that have buried their loved ones and they are sitting there singing . Now , dry your eyes and go back out there ' . So , I dried my eyes and went back out there but the tears just would not stop . And , clear as a bell , as if someone had spoken to me I heard the words , You are not supposed to be here alone . No , Elbert and I are supposed to go to church and a lot of other places together . But , thanks to this awful Alzheimers we never will again . I am very sad today and depressed and alone and I could just curl up and die . However , tomorrow the sun will come up and shine and I will get in the car and go see Elbert and then , perhaps then , I will feel better . Posted by I pushed in the code , opened the door and started down the hall toward Elbert 's room . Something looked different . Hey , there 's women stuff in Chester 's room . Guess Chester isn 't coming back . He had a fall some time ago and had to go to the hospital . I kept looking for him to get well so he could come back . You see , he and Elbert were the only two men in The Garden unit at Magnolia along with 15 women . Man , they had it made , all that female attention , only Chester was often gruff and disconnected . He could be a sweetheart if you handled him right , though . Seems Elbert is the only rooster in the hen house now . He 's gonna have to watch out for those doting females . Ruth was his first ' friend ' but she was soon replaced by Louise who still has top dibs on Elbert 's affection . I know that one of these days I am going to get a call that Elbert has fallen and broken a bone or two and then his passage in time will go like Chester 's has . In The Garden one day , the hospital next and then to the ' convalescent home ' . It 's coming . I am a realist and I must brace myself for the eventuality but I just don 't like to think about it . Posted by I did not have my camera and here was this handsome guy just needing his picture taken . He had on kaiki pants , a light blue shirt and a knitted dark blue vest . Hair combed , looking good . His eyes were brighter than I 'd seen them in awhile and he did talk some . Lordy , did he talk . . . . Getting out of his chair ' I gotta change my pants ' ' Why ' I ask ' Gotta go met the guys ' ' Where ' ' Out in the wild woods ' Oh , he thinks he 's going hunting . In the wild woods ? Wonder what it was that those guys did in years past in the wild woods ! ! hmmmm Posted by Is Spring really here ? It was such a gorgeous day yesterday and as I sat visiting with Elbert I wondered if he missed getting out and digging in the garden and flower beds . I wanted to take him for a drive but it 's been quite awhile since he has noticed anything as we drove along the roadside . That 's so sad . He did so love the out - of - doors . He 'd head out first thing in the morning and I 'd scarcely see him until it got too dark for him to see anything . Those days are over . Yesterday I asked him if he remembered plowing an old mule one time and although he nodded I doubt that he does . We 'd moved to the country and he wanted a big corn field . He got it planted with his tractor but when the corn grew tall he thought he needed to plow between the rows ( why I don 't know ) . We had an old plow but no horse or mule to pull it with . So , he borrowed a mule from his cousin . Now , mules are stubborn , that is true , but this one had a double dose of stubbornness . Elbert fought that mule to keep it under subjection and he was totally worn out long before he 'd finished plowing that patch . The mule would take one step , stop , turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his right , take another step , stop , turn his head to eat a corn stalk on his left . I am surprised we had any corn left after all that . It was the last time Elbert used a mule for anything . . . . and the last big corn patch we had . Just remembering things like that is painful to me . It brings tears to my eyes but it 's all I have of Elbert . Posted by |
DH qualifies . He 's one cranky , crabby ass these days . I know he feels miserable but he is NOT a good patient . Yesterday , I was worried because he spent all day in bed . The day before that was an all day sleep and the day before that . This morning , he 's up and mean as a snake . I finally told him to go back to bed . He wants to vent and I understand that . But he also needs to understand that this is not easy for me either . Since DH has been sick , he 's letting a friend use his car so we only have my car . He woke up this morning and was griping about Steven having jury duty . I don 't know why it was a problem this morning . I 've been dropping DH off for radiation , running Steven downtown for jury duty and getting back to pick up DH as soon as he finishes radiation . Steven was supposed to be at jury duty at 9 : 30 this morning instead of 9 : 00 . DH starts complaining that he 's going to finish radiation and have to wait and he doesn 't feel good . Steven suggested I go ahead and drop him off at the regular time but DH wanted to argue about it for some reason . He said that wasn 't necessary and yet he continued to complain about the situation . So I suggested DH go ahead and go to radiation ( which is a ten minute drive from home and only takes 10 minutes ) and I would take Steven to jury duty when he got back . Steven might have been 5 or 10 minutes late but he said that wasn 't a problem since he 's just sitting in the jury pool . DH went to radiation and then called me and said he was heading home and to have Steven come out to the car when he got there and he 'd run him downtown . Although it wasn 't a problem for me to take Steven and I was dressed and ready to go , he insisted on taking him . After he returned , he griped about how bad he feels and how hard it was on him to take Steven all the way downtown . The hand and foot syndrome has spread to his face and it looks like he has a sunburn . He was applying the lotion to his face and wanted me to do it . So I started applying it and then he got all upset because I got close to his mouth and he said it tasted bad . I never even got near his lips and yet he insisted that he could taste it . And on and on and on … until he said , " I might as well just go back to bed ! " and I said , " Please ! I agree . Go back to bed . You 're driving me crazy ! " They 've cancelled DH 's last chemo treatment which would have been tomorrow since he 's having problems with the hand and foot syndrome . I guess he 's at about the worst point in this series and I hope he starts feeling better soon . Hopefully , the effects of the chemo will begin to abate and he 'll get his appetite back and his hands and feet will get better . Sometimes I 'm struck by the date . Can 't believe summer is over , can 't believe it 's Thanksgiving . Wow , is it really Christmas day ? It seems like I 've been in a daze since Mom got sick last July . Dealing with her slow deterioration and then Donnie 's heart bypass surgery followed immediately by his cancer . I just seem to float through the days and hours and it feels like I 'm stuck in limbo . Losing track of the movement of the days and weeks and months . Now it 's the end of January . Feels so strange . I wonder if things will ever get back to normal ? " have you and your family ever had one of those days … . . Sick yesterday … Not feeling great this morning . Went in played politics … don 't like politics … . stayed late counting computers ( long story ) went to grandson 's game … it was not a happy game … daughter and I discussed politics … . talked to both sons who had problems … then came home to dark house . Neighbors lights were on … Don was in the house in the dark and mad at me because he had been waiting since 4 . At 4 I just leaving Valley for Stuart . Call REMC … Girl argued with me and told me to check our fuse box . That thing has been replaced to to last outage . Explained Transformer outside house had a lose wire . This has happened several times … Squirrels get in transformer and get electrocuted and our electricity goes off . The come out with a long pole , knock off squirrel and reset transform . Now don wants me to call REMC and tell the girl it was what he said and not what she thought . Bed sounds good about now . What a sucky day ! Can 't get much worse than this " DH is in bed . He 's there all the time . Chemo has made him sick as a dog . He developed something called " Hand and Foot Syndrome " from the chemo where it looks like his hands and feet have been burned . The skin is peeling off and he has sores and blisters all over them . His heels are bleeding and he can barely walk . They 've cancelled his chemo for this Friday and we 've been using Neosporin , ice packs , and some cream the doctor recommended called " Utterly Smooth " . Really good stuff . I can 't believe how much better his hands and feet are this morning . So glad he 's getting some relief . I keep trying to get him to eat something but he says everything tastes metallic and makes him sick . So I eat it . All I do is eat . And I don 't even think about it . Just mindlessly cram food into my mouth . Two more weeks of radiation and no more chemo for a while . I keep encouraging him and telling him about how much fun we 're going to have on the upcoming cruise in 22 days . I hope he 's able to enjoy it . I told my brother I was staying home this week . He 's still in atrial fibrillation and I can 't believe his heart doctor hasn 't done anything about it . Scares me to death . I 'd like to be there to help him with Kim but I need to be here for Donnie . Gotta be where I can do the most good . Mike has an appointment with his heart doctor tomorrow and I hope they make some kind of decisions . It 's been a month since he started meds and he 's not getting any better . Still , I can 't stay in Limbo forever . I need to clean house today . Try to find some semblance of normality in all this . Think I 'll dedicate my energies to laundry and house cleaning . My annual weekend with the girls starts this Friday and my wonderful Sistahs won 't let me back out . We 've rented three cabins at General Butler State Park . Plan on going to a casino and having the Crab Leg Buffet Friday night , Saturday will be shopping and visiting a couple of wineries and then a Master Chef contest Saturday night where we 'll drink a bit too much and come up with " God Knows What " for dinner after we 're given our mystery ingredients . It 'll be so good to spend time with my friends Mom passed away last Tuesday around noon . Mike and I were with her when she took her last breath . Little sister said she was getting pretty bad and I told her Mike and I would be over in a few minutes . When we arrived , her breathing was very gurlgy and little sister said she probably wouldn 't make it until the next day . I painted Mom 's nails . She always liked for me to do that and it made me feel like I was doing something she appreciated . Painted them a light pastel pink like she liked . It was obvious that she knew Mike and I were there . She opened her hands and rested them in my hand as I painted her nails . Her favorite CD was playing , Iz Kamakawiwo ' ole 's What a Wonderful World , Little sister took her to Hawaii a few years ago and she fell in love with all things Hawaiian . Little sister wanted to leave and pick up a Christian music CD that Mom liked and we told her we would stay with Mom until she got back . Donna hadn 't been gone more than five minutes when Mom 's breathing quieted down . She stopped that horrible gurgling sound and seemed to breath very easy and shallow . And Mike and I both knew . I don 't know how but we did . I looked at Mike and saw a reflection of my own face . Tears silently falling from his eyes onto his chest . We knew that she wouldn 't be struggling to breathe anymore . He stroked her forehead and held her left hand and I whispered to her and held her right . I told her to let it go . Told her to just rest and let us take it from here . And she did . She just stopped breathing . So gently and peacefully . She just took a gentle little breath , exhaled softly and didn 't take another . Mike and I just stood there , silently crying and holding her hands and he finally said , " She 's gone , Patty . " And he didn 't need to tell me . Even so , neither of us wanted to let go . We just held her hands and stroked her hair and let the tears fall . Finally , Mike removed the breathing tubes from her nose and turned off the machine . He picked up her Bible and we placed her hands on top of it and left the room to call Donna and my brother , David . I felt bad that Donna had taken such good care of her ; made so many sacrifices and cared for her so tenderly and Mom slipped away just five minutes after she left . But maybe that 's the way Mom wanted it . I don 't know . At any rate , Donna was okay with it . She 'd already said her goodbyes . I think she may have wanted to give Mike and I some time alone with Mom . I went to Mom 's house that evening . Went to find clothes for her to be buried in . I was shocked to find all her clothes were gone . They were there when I was caring for her last summer . I don 't know what happened to them . There were only about eight hangers in her closet and only one nice outfit . A beautiful rose pant suit with a white silk blouse . The collar was lace and the buttons were pearls . It was exactly what Mom would have chosen . I suppose she got rid of all her clothes at one point or another and I believe she saved that outfit for her funeral . I went to her jewelry box to find a brooch and earrings because Mom always wore a brooch but , again , there wasn 't anything there . Just a pair of pearl earrings and a necklace I bought her at least 25 years ago . It was a silver necklace with stick figure charms . One for each of her children . Mike , Me , David , Donna , and Dennis . Each silver charm held our birthstones . Mom was really hard to please . She 'd act like she liked what we gave her but then it would disappear . She 'd give it away or donate it . We learned not to ask what happened to the gifts we gave her . It hit me like a sledgehammer to see that necklace in her jewelry box . I held that silly thing and just broke down . I didn 't even know she still had it . But there it was . The only surviving piece of jewelry in the box . My little brother came in to find me sitting on the floor crying like a baby over that old necklace . I told him I couldn 't figure out why it was there . Did she want to be buried in it or did she leave it for us ? He said he thought it would be appropriate for her to wear it in the casket but we 'd remove it before she was buried and I could have it to remember her . I never wanted anything of my mother 's . She never kept anything . I could look around her house and nothing held any significance for me . She never held on to things from the past but was always getting rid of old stuff and buying new . At some point , all her stuff became meaningless to me because it was like walking into Rooms to Go . It all looked nice but it didn 't hold any memories . I still don 't know why she held on to that necklace but it will come back to me and I 'll treasure it . The funeral was yesterday . Mom and Dad must have done something right because my brothers and sister and I were all there for each other . We gave each other strength and stood together the way my parents would have wanted . We 've always been there for each other and I guess we always will . When one would cry , the rest of us would be there to comfort . Friends came from everywhere . I was surprised to see that the friends who came were for my siblings and I . Mom was the last of her family and there 's no one left of my father 's family . It 's just us kids , our children and a couple of scattered cousins . Mom could be very critical of others and she didn 't have a lot of close friends but there were plenty of visitors and friends in attendance at her funeral . Donna and I had worried that there would only be a couple of people at the visitation and funeral home . We were so grateful for the steady stream of friends who showed up to support us . I guess funerals really are for the living . I learned how blessed I am to have so many wonderful friends . They sheltered me like a swaddled baby . I told them everyone was coming to my house after the funeral and they set to work . Surrounded me in my grief and wouldn 't take no for an answer when it came to helping out . Pam went in my house while I was at the funeral and set up two crock pots of soup she made for visitors after the funeral . Elsie brought enough fruit to feed an army . Jana bought a deli tray and others brought desserts , drinks , potato salad , chips , lasagna , a ham , and enough food to feed an army . One of my son 's friends , raised in a series of foster homes , who has always thought of us as his parents came every day to make himself available to run errands , clean house , and do anything he could to be helpful . I told him I needed to go get some shoes and get my nails done and then decided that I just didn 't have the energy . He made me get ready , drove me to the salon and waited until I was finished so he could take me home . He stayed at the house to make sure DH was okay and drove Andrew and Steven to the funeral home . There were students . Kids I hadn 't seen in years . And yet they came . Not because they knew my mother but because they knew me . There were friends that I 'd slighted and neglected . They were there for me . And I felt so blessed . After the funeral , people filed past the coffin and I was so touched . It seemed like every other person came to give me a hug . I hadn 't realized how many of Mom 's visitors were my friends and acquaintances . I 'd been worried . Mom hasn 't lived in Louisville for 35 years . My brothers and sister don 't live here . My sister and I were hoping someone would turn out and it did my heart so much good to see the outpouring of love and support that was generated . It 's taken me most of the day to write this . I hadn 't really had time to grieve . I 've been surrounded by so much love and support that I 've been cocooned in a blanket of love . Writing this post has been the first time that I 've been able to gather my thoughts and actually have a good long cry . I went outside a few minutes ago and sat in the rain and thought about my mother . I hope I made her proud . I think I did . She didn 't find a lot of happiness in this life . Most of what she had came from her children . I think she lived vicariously through us . Sometimes , we resented it . We 'd get angry that she would steal our thunder and resentful that she 'd make herself out to be such a martyr and refuse to accept any real Joy or Happiness . I forgave all that last summer and just decided to accept her for who she is and love her without reservation in what time she had left . And I did . I may have gotten a little gruff with her when she decided to give up but I came to realize that the choice was hers and I 'd have to accept it . I hope she 's happy now . I hope she can find all that Joy and Happiness that she denied herself on this earth . I hope she 's back on that farm where she grew up . Sitting beside the spring drinking crystal clear water . Trim excess fat from pork . Coat a large skillet with cooking spray , add margarine . Place over medium heat until margarine melts . Add pork , and cook 5 to 6 minutes , turning to brown evenly . Remove pork from skillet . Add 1 / 2 cup water , wine , bouillon granules , fennel seeds and pepper to skillet . Bring to a boil and add pork . Cover , reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes until pork is tender . Transfer pork to a serving platter : keep warm . Dissolve cornstarch in 1 Tablespoon water . Add to pan juices , stirring to blend . Bring to a boil , reduce heat and simmer until thickened . Pour over pork and serve . I dropped my brother off for his cardiac catherization at 6 : 00 a . m . this morning . Stayed with him until they got ready to take him back to a prep room and then left . He was worried about Kim being alone and I don 't blame him . I never realized how much he does for her until I decided to stay with her while he does whatever he needs to do . He got her up and I helped her dress and moved her into the living room and turned on the TV . She 's deaf but she uses closed captioning and loves to watch " I Love Lucy " and " 2 1 / 2 Men " . I got back at 7 : 15 and fixed breakfast and coffee for Kim . Mike didn 't want her to eat or drink before we left because there wouldn 't be anyone here to take her to the bathroom . Little sister is going to get Mom settled and leave her son in charge while she goes to the hospital around nine . She 'll stay until noon when Kim 's visiting " aide " ( not sure what she really is ) comes to be with her from noon to 4 : 00 and I 'll tag team with Donna so she can go home and take care of Mom for a while . Whew ! All these sick people ! The doctor said if he gets in there and needs to do a stent or a minor procedure , he 'll go ahead and do it . If Mike needs something major , they 'll send him to Louisville in an ambulance and do it there . I honestly don 't know how he does it . I 've only been here a week and a half and I 'm bored out of my mind . I guess it 's different if it 's your house and you have things to do but the highlight of the day , for me , is walking the dog . Kim is able to speak , a little , but not enough to really carry on a conversation . The house is immaculate , so there 's no cleaning to be done . It 's 27 degrees , way too cold to go outside , and I wouldn 't want to leave Kim alone anyway . Kim 's only entertainment is TV so I don 't want to interfere with her watching it but I just don 't get into " I Love Lucy . " So I : 10 : 30 Update - Just got a call from Mike . They still haven 't taken him back but he said he 's next in line . I hope so , he 's already been there for almost five hours . Let 's move it , guys ! I know hospitals and surgical suites are not exactly on a rigid schedule but this is ridiculous . I thought he was calling to tell me the results . I 'm back at my brother 's house . Been here for a week now . I went home yesterday afternoon and spent the night . Felt good to be back home and get to sleep in my own bed with DH . Got home around 4 : 00 and then it was up and on the road at 10 : 00 this morning so I could be back in time for Mike to take Kim to lunch . Sunday lunch is one of her few treats and I didn 't want to be late . Mike is scheduled for a cardiac catheterization tomorrow morning . I hope they go ahead and do whatever they need to do while he 's there . He really can 't take care of Kim right now and I can 't stay here forever . DH has been very understanding but he 's not feeling too great either and I need to be with him . The chemo and radiation are catching up with him and his stomach is all out of whack . I guess you could say I 'm certified in Kim Care now . She needs so much help . It 's sad to see this beautiful , vivacious woman live her life in a recliner and need assistance for the simplest things . I guess we forget sometimes , how lucky we are . She can 't bend her left knee so she lets me know when she needs to go to the bathroom and she lowers her recliner . I go over , bend down and bend her knee and place her left foot firmly on the floor and either hold it in place or stand on it to keep it anchored . She gives several heaves and , after three or four false starts , manages to pull herself out of the chair . She either swivels into her wheelchair or she grabs her walker and begins to walk with her left leg stiff and unyielding . Her foot is beginning to turn outward and it makes it difficult for her to walk . Still , she makes her way to the bathroom , grabs the support bar and manages to pull down her pants and sit on the pot . She knocks on the wall when she 's finished and I go in and clean her up , pull up her pants for her and she drags herself back to the recliner . She has to back up to it and then I bend down and bend her knee for her so she can sit down . She reclines the chair and I place a special pad under her knee that forces her left leg to turn inward in an effort to correct the alignment of her foot and leg . Every woman should have a husband like my brother . I 'm absolutely in awe of him . Retired military and he keeps this house spotless . Cares for Kim including giving her a shower every other day , washing her hair and blowing it dry for her . He 's kind of proud of his new - found talent for hair styling . He applies her facial moisturizer for her , shaves her legs and underarms and dresses her . I asked him if it wouldn 't be a lot easier to let her wear pajamas all the time if they 're not leaving the house and he said it 's important to Kim to look her best . Her appearance was always important to her and he wants her to have as much dignity as possible . He 's really stressing over her weight . Not that it bothers him so much but more that it 's humiliating for her . I don 't know what the answer is . He fixes nutritious , healthy meals and Kim makes pretty good choices when they go out to eat but she continues to put on weight . She gets no exercise to speak of although Mike takes her through her therapy every day . She 's pretty much confined to the recliner or the bed . I brought my heart rate monitor and we 're going to put it on her and see how many calories she burns over the next 24 hours . I told Mike she may be able to increase her metabolism simply by moving her right arm in rapid circles or something . Mike had to cut the tags out of the clothes he bought her last month because he said she 'd be devastated to know that she 's wearing 2X and 3X now . As for me … I weighed myself this morning and found that I 've lost four pounds this week because there 's nothing to snack on around here ! Cereal and soy milk for breakfast ( or yogurt ) , lunch is the big meal of the day and it 's usually protein and vegetables and then dinner is a salad or soup . The only thing even remotely " snacky " around here is Kellogg 's Rice Krispy Treats at 70 calories each . Kim is allowed one per day . The closest store is about five miles away . I 'm walking the dog every day since Mike can 't walk 20 feet without gasping for breath , pushing Kim 's wheelchair up and down ramps and doing all the lifting and strenuous stuff that needs to be done . Met my girlfriends for dinner last night . It was wonderful . I 'm lucky to have friends that go back twenty years . We try to meet for dinner monthly but sometimes we all get caught up in our day to day lives and we miss a month or two . Elsie chose the restaurant this month and , although it really wasn 't my kind of place ( fried chicken livers , meatloaf , salmon patties , fried chicken , fried pork chops , country - fried steak ) , the conversation was great , the waiter was fun and the laughter and camaraderie was the best . Jana brought me gag gifts . Emergen - C Immune + System Support tablets , B - Complex High Potency Vitamins for immune system health , Ricola Honey Lemon Couth drops to " fight colds naturally " . No one understands what you 're going through like your girlfriends . I almost missed dinner . My brother is sick and I 've been staying with him . Thinks he 's Superman . Retired military , runs everyday , does a kazillion push - ups , sit - ups and chin - ups . Lifts weights . He started feeling bad a couple of weeks ago and couldn 't seem to shake it . Got short of breath , didn 't have any energy . Gained 13 pounds in two weeks . He took his girlfriend Kim out for lunch last Friday and , while helping her in the van , he almost passed out . He went to the emergency room and they decided he had a leaking heart valve and was retaining a lot of fluid . They wanted to admit him and do some more tests but he checked himself out of the hospital because there wasn 't anyone to take care of Kim . Here 's a picture of Mike and Kim taken just four years ago . Kim had a stroke about three years ago and it left her severely handicapped . She 's deaf , left side is completely paralyzed , speech is garbled and she 's gone from 103 pounds before her stroke to 250 pounds . Mike is totally committed to her . Quit his job to take care of her , replaced all the doors in his condo to accommodate her wheelchair , sleeps on the couch and had a hospital bed moved into the bedroom . Hubby and I went down to see how he was doing last Friday , ( a 60 mile drive ) , stayed a couple of hours , came home , packed my bags , and went back . I can 't believe how sick he is . He can 't walk more than a few feet before he starts coughing and gasping for breath . Can 't exert himself at all and he 's trying to lift and pull Kim . We feel pretty certain that he 's going to need surgery so I 've been trying to learn to care for Kim so he can feel confident that she 's in good hands . Spent the last five days learning how to communicate with her ( mostly texting ) and I 'm learning how to understand her speech a little bit better . Not too good with one - handed sign language but I 've learned a few things . Learned how to bend her knee and hold her left foot in place while she uses her cane to get herself out of the recliner and seated in the wheelchair . Learned how to get her on the toilet and clean her up afterwards . Learned how to dress her , put on her shoes , and get her in the van . If Mike has to have surgery or go in the hospital for a few days , we 've got it covered . Mike didn 't make any friends when he checked himself out of the hospital . They wanted to keep him but gave him some meds to reduce the fluid he was retaining and told him to come back on Thursday for an angiogram . He called them on Monday and told the doctor that he had someone to take care of Kim and could do whatever they needed to do but they seemed totally unconcerned and told him to stay on the meds until Thursday and then come to the office where they 'd determine whether or not they needed to do any tests . I think part of the problem is that Mike doesn 't have a doctor . He says doctors are for sick people and he 's never sick . So this doctor that saw him last Friday doesn 't understand that this is NOT like my brother . He can 't do anything without getting out of breath , can 't bend over without feeling like he 's going to pass out and isn 't getting rid of fluid like the doctor said he would so the meds aren 't working . Mike knew I had dinner with my peeps last night and insisted that I take a break and go home overnight but I 'm heading back today . Don 't know what would happen if he passed out or had a problem at home . Kim certainly wouldn 't be able to do anything to help . So , I 'm packing whatever I might need for a couple of weeks and heading back in a couple of hours . Guess we 'll know better after he sees the doctor tomorrow . cough . . cough … hack … cough … what the Hell did I do ? I set the oven to clean , went to take a shower and , when I came out , the house is full of smoke . I put two broiler racks in to clean but I 'm wondering if there was something in the oven . No , there couldn 't have been . The broiler racks took up the entire space and I would have seen something . Where did all this smoke come from ? cough … cough … I turned off the oven and opened a bunch of windows even though it 's 34 degrees outside . Guess I 'll sit her and post while I choke and wait until I can unlock the oven . I feel like I just finished a six month meltdown / binge / out - of - body experience . I 'm getting used to all the health problems going on with the family . It 's just been one thing after another . I 've felt better the last few days . Starting to come around a little bit . Donnie has a full day of radiation therapy and chemo today so I have the place to myself . I plan on doing some cleaning and trying to work out a little bit . I weighed myself the other day and I 've weighed daily for three days in a row . Shocking . I 'm up to 220 pounds . Wish I could take it off as easily as it goes on . A lot of the eating was just my way of coping , I guess . I 'd just sit on the computer playing stupid games and mindlessly munching . I think what made me stop and look around was friends that I haven 't seen for a long time . With things going on with Donnie , a lot of our friends have come by and I 've been embarrassed about how I look . Wondering how I let this happen . I made an appointment with my GP and told him that I think I 've hit the point of total incompetency with my weight . The more I weigh , the worse I feel and the more my ankles hurt . I 'm at the point where I almost can 't exercise . I told him I wanted something to give me an edge . Asked him to prescribe phentermine and he shot that idea down . Told me he did not want me taking it and suggested , instead , that I might want to consider lap band surgery . He said he never would have recommended it until the last couple of years but he feels like they 've come a long way with it and I might want to think about it . And I did … think about it . But I don 't think I want to go that route . Not real comfortable with the idea of surgery to correct something I should be able to do on my own . So I 'm back in the race . I plan on continuing with my old workout tape . Adding a few minutes each day . I work best by challenging myself , keeping track of calories and blogging . So , that 's the plan . Crap ! Finally got the oven open and found that one of the boys left two slices of pizza in there . What is it with these guys ? They seem to think that any appliance with a door is a food storage unit . I can 't tell you how many times I 've found food in the microwave and oven . Instead of wrapping it and putting it in the refrigerator , they just shove it in the oven or the microwave . And I slid the broiling pan right over the top of it and didn 't even see it . It 's been almost a month since we found out Donnie has lung cancer . He has radiation therapy every day and chemo every Friday . It 's scary . I keep wanting him to eat right and exercise and he doesn 't . I mean , he never did so I don 't know why he 'd start now . Maybe I want it because he seems weak to me . I know the treatment is going to weaken him and it scares me that he 's so tired all the time . He sleeps at least 14 hours a day . Complains that he can 't sleep at night and I feel like saying , " What are you talking about ? You went to bed at 7 : 00 and slept until 3 : 00 . That is a full night 's sleep . Then you went back to bed at 5 : 00 and slept until 8 : 00 , went to radiation therapy and came home and slept from 1 : 00 to 4 : 00 . That 's 14 hours . What are you talking about ? ? ? " I find it difficult to know how to behave . I want to treasure every minute we have but then I get aggravated about the same old things . He fixes his coffee in the morning and leaves sweet - n - low packets all over the counter . Leaves the milk on the counter . Sloshes coffee on the counter and I tell him to clean up his mess . Then I realize there will probably come a day when I yearn to see sweet - n - low packets all over the counter . My friends and family have been very supportive . Of course , there 's not much they can do but they 're there anyway . Calling all the time and inviting me out . One friend smoked a turkey and brought it over on Christmas and another smoked a pork loin and brought it over a few days before Christmas . Haven 't had to do much cooking lately . Lot 's of contact through Facebook . My brother developed heart problems and I just almost feel like our family is being tested . Mike is a health nut . Never smoked , doesn 't drink , worked out daily for years , walks every single day and eats broiled fish and steamed vegetables most of the time . Saw on Facebook where he was taken by ambulance to the hospital for heart problems . Not sure exactly what the story is because he doesn 't want to worry me but I know that he was supposed to stay in the hospital because of an irregular heartbeat , shortness of breath , leaky heart valve , etc . and he checked himself out because there wasn 't anyone to take care of Kim , his girlfriend , who had a stroke a couple of years ago . He doesn 't ask for help but I may pack my bags and go stay with him for a few days . I need to learn how to take care of Kim because I know he won 't have any surgery done until he knows someone can take care of her and there doesn 't seem to be anyone else who can do it . Mom 's not doing well either . Donna put a picture up on Facebook a couple of hours ago . Thought it was funny that Mom has never liked cats and Donna 's cat seems to have adopted her and lays on her bed all the time . I didn 't see the humor in the picture . I just saw Mom . Every time I see her I 'm shocked . Here 's a picture from her birthday this spring and a picture from today . I still can 't get into dieting right now but I did make an effort to get some exercise . I started walking last Monday . I know this sounds pathetic but I could only walk ten minutes . So , I walked ten minutes in the morning , walked ten minutes at 3 : 00 and walked ten minutes at 6 : 00 . Then , yesterday , I got out my old Jane Fonda workout tape . Not likely to finish it anytime soon but I did the 15 minute warm up and then walked for ten minutes three times today . Hoping to add something each day . At the rate my family is going , somebody better be able to take care of everyone . We 're dropping like flies . |
Author : bluemaple Dragons in the Dark - Chapter - Glory 's Birthday " I 'm sorry , babe . I have to work today . Are you okay on your own ? I 'm off at 4 so we can go to my mom 's . " Glory was still wrapped in Lucas ' arms but her alarm had just gone off . " Come shower with me , " she whispered against his lips . " Start this birthday off right . " She rolled out of bed trying to pull him out with her . " I 'm going to work through so I can take off a little earlier . Unless you really want to meet me for lunch . I 'm only getting off early so I can be with you , so either way works for me , " Glory said , coquettishly . Glory gave him an impatient look . " You don 't have to buy me anything , you know . I 'm not in this for the goodies . " " I know … that 's what makes buying you something even more fun . You don 't expect it . Do you know how refreshing that is ? " Lucas asked . " I 'll grab something later . I 'm not hungry yet , " Lucas said , grabbing a towel to hand to Glory before taking one for himself . Glory finished drying off and by the time Lucas had finished drying off and shaving , she was in the kitchen having breakfast and making her lunch . He pulled some clothes out of his suitcase and went into the kitchen to join her . She spent the rest of the day in a bit of a daze . Most of her co - workers came by to wish her a happy birthday . Her boss had a card for her and chatted with her for a few minutes about her plans for that night . He had met Lucas at the art show the month before and would often come and talk to her about what Lucas was doing in his professional life . Desirée wanted to take her to lunch , but she begged off , saying that she was meeting Lucas after work , so they made plans to go out the next day . When 4 o ' clock came around , Glory was packed up and ready to leave as soon as the clock struck the hour . She was trying not to be too excited about what Lucas might have bought her , but that was a hard sell . She was also excited to introduce him to her mom and sister and the rest of her family as her boyfriend ! Again , she couldn 't keep the smile from her face when she thought about it . She gave him a sideways look and took the box over to the couch to open . What was inside was magenta and satin - y and very skimpy . " Are you sure this is for me and not you ? " she asked , looking at him sitting next to her on the couch . Inside the second package was a purple camisole with a lace edging along the neckline . It had spaghetti straps and fell to her hips . Underneath it were the matching bra and panties . " Wow … and these all seem to be my size . Should I be concerned at how comfortable you are buying women 's lingerie ? " Glory asked with a laugh . " I 've never dated anyone who didn 't like receiving lingerie , and , you 're right , it 's partially for me , too . " He smiled at her . " Were you going to change for your mom 's ? Wear these . " He held up the box with the camisole in it for her to take into the bedroom . Glory took a lot of care getting dressed . She had a dress that she wanted to wear that night and the lace on the camisole just peeked out around the neckline and complemented the navy blue dress perfectly . The bra and panties were a perfect fit , which made Glory wonder a little bit about Lucas . She hadn 't asked , but now she wondered how many girls there had been before her . Could she ask now that they were dating ? " Well , we were lovers before this weekend . No real commitment , we could see other people , just getting together for sex , " Lucas said . " A girlfriend , I consider as someone I 'm in an exclusive relationship with . There 's sex , but there 's more . " " Okay , so the 5 lovers never got to be girlfriends . So there have been 5 lovers and 5 girlfriends before me , " Glory said , nodding her head . " That 's not bad . " " Okay … " She paused for a minute to count . " Well , I 've had 4 boyfriends , but more lovers . I 've had a few one night stands and some non - committed relationships … maybe 10 in all . " " Nope . Not much you could have told me would have freaked me out , " he said . " Just because I 've been a monk , I don 't expect others to be . Are you ready to go ? " Beth met them at the door of her apartment with a big hug and a kiss for Glory . " Happy birthday , darling . I can 't believe that you 're 30 ! " She kissed Glory on the cheek again and waved her into the house . " Well , that 's nice . How 's it going to work with you guys living so far apart ? " Beth asked , her brow furrowing in concern . " We 're not sure yet , Beth , " Lucas answered . " We 'll play it by ear for now and see what happens . Hopefully , at some point , we 'll be able to find a way to live in the same city anyway . For right now , it 'll have to be a long - distance relationship . " " Congratulations are in order , then . I hope it works out for you guys , " Beth said , lifting her glass of wine up to toast them both . Lucas put his arm around Glory and lifted his beer to toast the two women . There were lots of congratulations for the happy couple and then Beth called them into the dining room for dinner . Steak and potatoes with asparagus was one of Glory 's favourite meals and she ate with gusto . After they were done , Beth brought out a chocolate cake almost completely covered in candles ! " Mom , you didn 't actually have to put 30 candles on the cake . Way to make me feel old ! " Glory said , smiling after they had all sang her ' Happy Birthday ' . The box contained a beautiful red and black cardigan . The colour faded from black at the top to red at the bottom . It flared prettily at the bottom and looked great over her navy blue dress . She spun once to show the flare of the sweater . " Maybe … " Lucas said . Glory opened the box and found a dainty ring inside . There were 2 stones , one dark blue , the other , light blue . Glory tried it on her right hand ring finger and held it up to the light . The smile on her face told Lucas that this had been the exact right gift to give her . She turned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and said , " Thank you , babe . It 's perfect ! " " You 're welcome , sweetie . It looks really pretty on your hand . I knew I 'd have to find something delicate , " he said , turning his head to kiss her neck through her hair . Beth kept her eyes downcast , looking at the ring and nodded . " Don 't move too fast , okay ? You guys have lots of time , " she said . Once everyone had a piece of cake in front of them , the conversation turned to inconsequential things as they ate . There was much laughter with Lucas there . He had a great sense of humour and lots of great stories from his movie - shoots and hanging out with other Hollywood types . His humour was light and self - deprecating and put everyone at ease . They moved the party to the living room after the cake was done and spent another couple of hours talking and laughing . Beth watched Glory with Lucas and she could see that there was love there . She was more than a little concerned about the long - distance nature of their relationship , but she hoped they 'd find a way to work that out . It was about 10 pm when Glory called it a night . She still had to work the next day , although she had let them know that she would be in late so she could see Lucas off at the airport . She had a new nighty to try out that night , so she had a great reason to head home a little early . " He seems like a nice guy and Glory adores him . It should be alright , " Claire said . " He 's a lot of fun to be around . " Lucas and Glory fell giggling into her apartment . She had been teasing him all the way home and now was his turn to get even . He pressed his lips to hers and cupped her breast through the material of her dress , camisole and bra . " You 're wearing too much clothes , " he said , huskily . Glory reached down and grabbed the bottom of her dress and lifted it over her head . She tossed it over onto the couch and returned to Lucas ' embrace . " Better ? " she said . " Much , " he said and swooped down to scoop her into his arms . " Bedtime , baby . " He carried her into the bedroom and dropped her on the bed and lay over her kissing her face and neck , then moving down lower . Glory closed her eyes as he moved his lips and tongue slowly down her body , teasing and arousing her and bringing her to a shattering orgasm , before moving up to thrust himself deep inside of her to find his own release . Lucas held her gently in his arms as she slowly came back to her senses . " Yeah , that 's going to be fun ! I can 't wait for everyone to meet you ! My mom 's been bugging me , especially since Greg and Kayla have met you , " Lucas said , a slow smile spreading across his face at the thought of his mom . " Can you swing an extra - long weekend ? Maybe come up on Friday and fly back on Monday ? " " Maybe . Let me ask at work . I 've got lots of vacation time left for this year , so I should be able to . If I can work from there , I may be able to come for longer . I 'll check with my boss this week and I can let you know . Will we be staying at your mom 's ? You mentioned your condo in Boston once . " " We 'll probably stay with mom the night of the party , but we 'll be staying at my condo . I can 't wait for you to see it . I 've got your painting up and it looks great ! " Lucas said . Glory didn 't say anything for a few minutes . Lucas stroked her hair off of her face before asking her , " Everything okay ? You got awfully quiet all of a sudden . " " Yeah , " she said and paused for a few more seconds . " No . All of those people have met your other girlfriends and lovers . I don 't know how I 'll stack up . " " They all love me . The fact that I love you will be enough for them . I surround myself with some pretty awesome people , so I don 't think you need to worry , " he said , quietly . " Yeah , but the party will be on Saturday , " he said . " If you can come up on Thursday or Friday and then fly home on Monday or Tuesday , that would be great ! Even if you have to work part of that time , that should should be fine . I 'll have to help my mom set up for the party anyway , so I 'll be busy . " Glory smiled to herself and snuggled in closer in to his side . " Just don 't abandon me with a bunch of strangers , okay ? I had a boyfriend who always used to do that to me and it made me really uncomfortable . " She had closed her eyes and suddenly realizing how tired she was . " Don 't worry , love . I 'll stay right by your side . But I don 't think these people will be strangers to you for long , " Lucas said , softly . " They are going to love you just as much as I do . " By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceMay 23 , 20173 , 673 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 9 - Tourists Glory woke slowly and stretched . Something was different , but she wasn 't sure what it was . She could see light in the room through her closed eyelids so she rolled towards her bedside clock to see the time . 7 : 30 . Wasn 't it the weekend ? she thought . Once she was sure that it was , she rolled back over to go back to sleep . Something was still different and it was tugging at her mind . Someone was cooking bacon ; someone in her apartment . She let a smile grow on her face . It must be her boyfriend . She let that thought sink in for a moment before jumping out of bed and finding some clothes to put on to go and find out what Lucas was up to . " There you are , sleepy head . " Lucas said , turning towards her to give her a kiss before he turned back to flip the bacon again . " I thought I owed you breakfast . " " It 's so early . " Glory complained , sitting down at the table . " Isn 't it the weekend ? And aren 't you on LA time still ? It 's only 4 : 30 AM in LA . " Lucas put a cup of coffee down in front of her and she took it in both hands and took a sip . She smiled to herself when she realized that he knew how she took her coffee . While she cradled her coffee cup , she said , " I love you . " " Coffee 'll do that to you . " he said with a smile from in front of the stove . " And I 'm on Boston time . I 've been off the last couple of weeks . Is it too early for you ? " he asked with concern . " Noon is a good time to get up on a Saturday . 7 : 30 is usually when I get up for a pee so I can go back to sleep . " Glory said , taking another sip of her coffee . " You 've never been this much of an early bird when you 've come to visit before . " Lucas shrugged . " I 'm usually not , especially when I have a beautiful woman next to me in bed . " He winked at her . " But I was awake , so I thought I 'd get a head start on breakfast . " " We did crash pretty early last night . " Lucas said , defensively . " We can go back to bed , if you want . I just wanted to spend as much time with you as I could . Our relationship up to now has been spent mostly in bed . " He raised an eyebrow at her suggestively . " I thought we could do some stuff together today before dinner . " " Out and about with Lucas Wolfe . " Glory said , trying that idea out in her mind . " How many times do you think we 'll be accosted by autograph hounds or people wanting their picture taken with you ? " Glory had spoken lightly , but Lucas could hear the concern behind her words . " Toronto 's actually pretty good . " Lucas said . " If people recognize me , many of them will just wave or yell to me ; not a lot of people actually stop me . " But when we go to New York or LA , people are much bolder . I can sometimes hardly walk down the street , especially if I 'm someplace and word gets out on the internet . " He wanted her to be prepared for this stuff ; the last thing he wanted to do is to have her be spooked by fans and run . And he was getting the feeling she spooked pretty easily . " I don 't know . Is there a lot to see hanging around in downtown Toronto ? " he asked . " Do you want eggs , too , or just bacon and tomato ? " he added . " Bacon and tomato is fine , and , yes , there 's lots to see in downtown Toronto . We could wander up Yonge Street and do some shopping , then we can check out Queen West … it 's not as trendy and hipster as it used to be , but it 's still pretty cool . We can go to Kensington Market and Chinatown and then grab the streetcar down to the CN Tower and Skydome . " Once Glory got started , she realized that there were lots of places she wanted to show him ! Lucas was watching her get excited about showing him her city and he smiled . " Sounds like getting up early was a good idea after all . " he said . Glory smiled back . " Don 't think I 've forgiven you yet , movie - boy ! I value my sleep time on the weekends ! " she teased him . Lucas laughed . " So I 've been downgraded again , have I ? " He turned around to butter the toast that had popped up and was busy for the next couple of minutes assembling Glory 's bacon and tomato sandwich . " Mayo ? " he asked , and looked back to see Glory nod . " Yes . " he answered . " I sent a text to my assistant last night and she got back to me this morning with a 7 pm reservation . Is that okay ? " He sat down at the table across from her with his sandwich , then got up to refresh both of their coffees before settling down to eat . " The time ? Yeah , that works . Might even give us time to come back here and change before dinner . Depending on how much fun we 're having being tourist - y . " she said . Lucas just nodded because he had a mouthful of sandwich . They sat and finished their breakfast , talking about inconsequential things . After a quick shower and clothes and they were out the door . It was an absolutely beautiful day . Glory wore sandals and a flirty little dress , in case they didn 't get to go home and change , and Lucas was casual , but not in jeans . He wore a pair of khakis and a polo shirt over his signature sneakers . " Well , Emilia , I like your shirt . I have one just like it . " he said , pointing at , but not touching her shirt . " How old are you , Emilia ? " " I 'm 8 . " she said , holding up 4 fingers on each hand , " and I love Matt Hunter . " She was starting to lose her shyness in the face of Lucas ' friendliness . " He 's my favourite Brancher . Is he going to be Marta 's boyfriend ? I think he should . What 's going to happen to Ian ? " Marta was another Special Brancher . The last movie had started to bring them into a romantic relationship . Ian was Matt 's best friend from his hometown . Lucas was smiling at her precociousness , and now that her shyness was gone she was not to be stopped . " Are you really mad at Brock ? I like Brock … he 's really cute and funny . " Brock was the commander of Special Branch with whom Mat had a love / hate relationship . Emilia turned to her mom . " Mom , do you have my colouring book so I can show him my picture ? " Emilia 's mom seemed very apologetic . " Sorry , Mr . Wolfe . When she gets going , it 's hard to get her to stop . " She handed Emilia her colouring book so she could turn to the picture she wanted to show Lucas . " See ? It 's you and Brock and Ian fighting . I don 't like it when you fight . Will you ever be friends again ? " Her eyes were pleading as he looked up at him . " Traffic . Sorry . It 's usually not this bad . Figures , eh ? I have a hot man waiting at home for me and I can 't get there , " Glory said . Lucas was putting a pan of pull - apart bread on the table with melted butter , salsa and hummus to dip . " Appetizer … and we can move on to the main course from there , or use this to sustain us through some extended lovemaking , " he said with a little bow . He pulled her chair out from the table for her to sit . It had been just over a month since his last visit , but Glory had been hungering for him . When he had called earlier this week to say he 'd be in town , that hunger had intensified . She wasn 't sure if she could sit calmly across the table from him eating dinner until she had made love to him , but she would give it a try ! The anticipation was delicious ! They chatted about everything and nothing , and although she still yearned to have her hands and mouth on him , Glory found that she was really enjoying talking to him , too . He was so funny and so engaging , their time together seemed to fly by . He brought out the meal when he didn 't see any indication that they were ready to move things to the bedroom : baked chicken with potatoes and salad . Lucas had been to Christopher 's Haven the week before and he told her all about the kids that he had met there this time . It was a home near the Massachusetts General Hospital for kids battling cancer . He made a point to go there at least a couple of times a year and he always came away so inspired by the courageous battles these kids fought . Glory had been to a weekend art retreat since they 'd seen each other and she had gotten some fresh ideas and was utilizing what she 'd learned in her painting . She couldn 't wait to show him her latest pieces . But over dinner , they discussed the use of different brush techniques to convey different emotions and even movement on a canvas . They talked about the Group of Seven and how some of the techniques they 'd used had been taught at this workshop and how Glory was incorporating them into her work . " I can 't wait to see the paintings , " Lucas said . " and the new techniques . I 've got to make time for some classes or workshops . I feel like I need some extra schooling in this . " " Movie - boy … I 'm not sure that I like that , " he said . " Maybe movie - man … ? " He had gotten up , too and now he took her hand to lead her towards the bedroom . The dishes would definitely have to wait . " Well , you 'll have to earn it … " She let her voice trail off as she pulled him in for a kiss and started pulling at her clothes to get them off . She had definitely had enough anticipation ! Lucas was quiet for a long time . He had just wanted to see her ; to hold her in his arms , make love to her , kiss her , hear her laugh at his jokes ; but he didn 't know if she was ready to hear that yet . But , try as he might , he couldn 't think of a good story to tell her this time . She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him . " But that 's not the way this works , is it ? I thought I was a nice diversion when you had to be in town , not the reason you came to town , " she said , holding his eye . Lucas sighed . " Those locations did have to be scouted , but I didn 't have to do it personally , and I could have flown through New York to Berlin with no layover … " He let his voice trail off hoping he had not screwed things up here completely . Lucas laughed , quietly . " Well , that 's a real compliment to my virility , babe , but no , I don 't have a girl in every port . There 's just you . " he said , pulling her in a little closer . Glory needed a minute to take this in . The relationship she 'd thought she had with him wasn 't what it seemed at all . His only girl … despite her doubts , this thought made her feel warm inside . Lucas laughed . " So , you 're okay to take this further ? I know we talked about it a little bit last time and you 're right that living this far apart makes things difficult , but are you willing to try ? " he asked , hopefully . Lucas sighed , then shook his head . He pushed her up so that he could see her face . " I … " he shook his head again , hoping he wasn 't jumping the gun here . " I love you , Glory . I have for a while now . You can call our relationship what you want , but to me , you 're my girlfriend , my only girlfriend . " She looked at him with disbelief ! Lucas Wolfe loved her ! What was she supposed to do with that ? But she didn 't look away . She could see the longing in his eyes ; a longing to hear her say those words to him . Did she love him ? She ran her finger down his cheek and then down over his beard . She moved it to his moustache and then pressed her lips to his in a sweet kiss that went on for a long time . " I know … my mom tells me that all the time , " he said , stroking her cheek with his finger . " You don 't have to say it if you don 't feel it . I can wait . Don 't leave , though . I don 't think I could handle that . " She sniffed and realized that she was crying … why , she didn 't know . Lucas reached up and grabbed her a tissue from the bedside table to blow her nose . " I 'm not going anywhere . Of course I love you ! I didn 't think we were going there . At least not yet . " There was a smile on Lucas ' face that wouldn 't go away . She loved him ! If he ever needed a good reason to live in the present moment , he was holding it in his arms , and right at that moment , he was the happiest he could ever remember being . " Mom 's having everyone over on Monday , which is the actual day … when are you flying out ? Would you be able to stay ? " Glory asked . " Now that you 're my boyfriend , " Glory paused to savour the sound of that word , " it should be fine . If mom doesn 't like it , that 's too bad . Hopefully , she 'll wait until you 're gone before she lectures me . " " No , we can go out . There 's lots of nice places to go … from the CN Tower to some of the more exclusive steak houses in Toronto ; there are a few place out in the suburbs , too , that are really good . Do you like Greek food ? I know a few really nice places in Greektown , " Glory said , offering some suggestions . " I 've never been up the CN Tower , so why don 't I see if I can get reservations there for tomorrow night ? " Lucas asked . " We can go and see the tower and be tourists and then go up for dinner . " Glory smiled . They HAD been keeping things casual , hadn 't they ? " I 'm thirty on Monday , so a bit of a big deal , " she said . " To come to your birthday party and meet all of your friends and family in one place ? Didn 't I do that to you last time you were here ? " Glory said with a little laugh . " As a matter of fact , you did . The difference will be that everyone there already knows about you and I 'll be introducing you as my girlfriend . Might be a little easier … " he said . " Touché , " Glory said , quietly . " Sorry about that . I hadn 't ever expected to have to introduce you to everyone like that . I 'm just glad it went so well . You did make a good impression on my mom , though … she keeps asking when you 'll be coming back for another visit . " Lucas felt Glory stiffen at the mention of Kelsey . " We don 't have to talk about the baby thing , yet , do we ? " Glory asked . " We definitely do not have to talk about the baby thing yet . You know how I feel and I know how you feel . It 'll be years before it 'll really be an issue and who knows where we 'll be by then , " he said , and he felt her relax again against him . " I did , didn 't I ? I couldn 't believe that you actually came up to play cards . I know I probably shouldn 't have kissed you or sent you to sleep in my bed , but I was drunk and thought I 'd push my luck , and I 'm glad I did ! " Lucas said . " Just the way you stood next to me watching your sister and your cousin going all fangirl on Greg without losing your cool with me … it was nice . It made me think you were a little different . " " You don 't know how hard that was , " Glory said . " When I realized who you were … that 's why I couldn 't look at you . I vowed that I wasn 't going to embarrass myself in front of you . I figured that too many women have gone all gaga on you and you didn 't need another one doing it when all you wanted was a couple of slices to end your night . " " Oh , don 't lie . You love it . You 're just waiting for that Sexiest Man Alive title to come your way . I don 't know why it hasn 't yet . You should have gotten it after ' Return of the Soldier ' , with that amazing shirtless scene . What did your costar call it ? Rippling deliciousness ? " Lucas laughed until he had tears in his eyes . " Oh , she is a pip ! She wanted to see me blush in public , and it worked ! She still teases me about that , " he said , when he could finally talk again . Glory was laughing , too ; his laugh was so infectious ! They lay quietly for a few minutes , and it was Glory who broke the silence . " I love you , Lucas , " she said , softly . Lucas smiled and pulled her in closer . " I love you , too , babe . It 's early ; I 'd love to spend the evening here in bed with you , but if you want to get up … " " You don 't know how good it feels to hear you say that , " he said , closing his eyes . He shouldn 't be tired , but he found himself drifting on the edge of sleep . Suddenly , he felt Glory tense up and shake for a second . " Sorry , I thought you were asleep , " Glory said . " That was a fangirl moment … just a thrill going through me . You may have to pinch me . " Lucas pinched her lightly on the arm and she giggled . Then he pinched her side and she squirmed to get away from his pinching fingers . He continued to pinch and tickle her while she screamed and squirmed to get away . But when he grabbed both of her hands to keep her from pushing him away , she tensed and the look of fear on her face stopped Lucas in his tracks . He dropped her hands , saying , " Are you okay ? " Glory shrugged . " It 's okay . I dealt with it , but now that you 're my boyfriend … " She paused again to savour the idea . " Until it gets old , I guess . Right now , it 's such a novelty , " Lucas laughed , quietly , and pulled her back in beside him . She snuggled in a little closer and settled to sleep . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceMay 3 , 20173 , 499 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 7 - " That was fun ! " Lucas said to Glory on their way back to her place . He was driving ; he had noticed early in the evening that Glory was enjoying her wine , so he stopped drinking so that he could get them home . " It definitely went much better than I thought it would . " Glory said . " Mom was in good form tonight . She 's usually really hard on Jeff and whomever I 'm dating . Holly said Jeff was working , but he was probably avoiding mom . " " It has everything to do with my dad leaving . Mom has real trust issues around men . She doesn 't even date anymore . " Glory shrugged . Her mom had always been tight - lipped about her dad 's leaving … Glory had woken up one day and he was just gone . Glory smiled at him . " Maybe … or maybe your celebrity status made her a little shy of giving you a hard time . " she said . She was turned sideways in her seat so she could watch him drive . " Well , she didn 't actually ask where I was staying , just where I stayed when I was in Toronto , so I wasn 't lying . I do usually stay at the Crowne Plaza , as you know . " Lucas said . Lucas shrugged . " I love kids . They 're so honest and present . And they love nothing more than having a grown - up to play with … and I love to play ! I 'm just a big kid at heart . " " I guess I 'm not the nurturing type . I like kids , but I 'm not longing for a family of my own . That might change in time , but right now , I 'm happy to do my own thing without those kinds of responsibilities . " Glory said . " I see Diana and Mitch and how they are now that they have Kelsey … I 'm not ready for that . " It was Lucas ' turn to be silent for a moment . Then he shrugged . He still had no idea how serious this was going to get , so there was no point sweating this now . Even if they did end up together , they were years away from kids . Who knew what might happen in that time ? " Thank you so much for today . Not just the signing and helping out at the art show , but being there for me at dinner . " Glory said , taking a sip of her beer . " That 's how I lure young girls in . " Lucas said , in a teasing voice . " I 'm sweet and nice and then I take you to bed and you see my true nature . " Glory screamed with laughter and tried to push him away long enough to put her beer down . " Stop ! Stop ! I 'm going to spill my beer ! " she pleaded . Lucas plucked her beer neatly from her hands and put it down next to his . " So tell , me … what were you giggling about ? " He had both of her hands held tight in one of his , leaving his other hand free to tickle her if he didn 't like her answer . Glory felt herself start to panic as she always did when she was trapped . She stiffened , but held his eyes to keep the panic at bay . " Your true nature , eh ? What is your true nature , movie - boy ? " she said with more bravado than she felt . Glory giggled again . " Yes , I do … that 's why I giggled . " and tried to pull away before he could start tickling her again , but to no avail . He pinned her to the couch underneath him , still tickling her and kissing and licking her face . " Wow ! It 's been a long time since I 've made out on a couch . " Lucas said . " Should I go grab a condom , or move this to the bedroom ? " " Just shutting down for the night . " he said , pulling his sweater off over his head and undoing his belt before slipping out of his pants . " Are you keeping my side warm for me ? I hate getting in to a cold bed . " " Well , my side is warm . " she said , suggestively . Lucas came around to her side and slid in beside her , running his cold hands up her side to her breasts and kissing her deeply . She rolled over so that she was on top of him . Glory sat up and reached over to the side table for a condom . She sat so that she could unrolled the condom slowly over him . Lucas watched this performance intently , trying to keep himself from throwing her over onto her back and fucking her . He loved the play , the tease , but sometimes it got to be too much . Once she had him well protected , she lifted herself to slide down his length and took him deep inside of her with a moan . She leaned forward with her hands on his shoulders so that she could slowly move him in and out of her . She kissed him deeply and he held her ass with both of his hands , helping to raise her all of the way off of him before letting her plunge back down . " My goddess . " he said , replacing her hands with his on her breasts . " Come for me . " he whispered and let one hand drop down between her legs . Glory had been so close that his touch brought her orgasm slamming down on her . She pulled her legs in tight trying to contain the pleasure as she spasmed around him . He gritted his teeth as he let her feel the full extent of her orgasm before flipping her over onto her back and thrusting into her hard for his own climax . They lay like that for a few minutes , helplessly lost in the pleasure . Lucas rolled off , holding his condom , and reached for tissues , then pulled her in close beside him , smoothing her hair away from his face … and he felt it again . That tenderness and caring ; that stillness and peace that he associated with love . But even after all that they 'd done this weekend so far , he wasn 't ready to speak of this feeling to her yet . He still didn 't think she was ready to hear it , or was feeling it herself yet … maybe she never would . He fell in love too easily ; he knew that about himself . But that was him and he wasn 't about to change . He had spoken the words too soon on a few occasions to his great detriment , so he was very careful about that now . Until he saw some indication that she felt the same way about him , he 'd keep his council . Sunday was a quiet day . They woke late and kept each other in bed for an extra hour making love and talking . After a quick shower , Glory took Lucas through her yoga practise , offering some options that might work better for him than what she did . She had been doing yoga for a long time so she didn 't expect him to be able to do some of the more difficult poses , but he did surprise her . His core strength was up to most of what she did , even if he 'd have to work on his flexibility . They lay for a long time in Savasana . When Glory sat up , Lucas was still enjoying the peaceful quiet . He heard her soft voice say , " Stay there as long as you need to , babe . " When Glory was finished , she quietly got up and moved into the bedroom . She had some stuff to get organized for the work week and some emails to respond to . When she poked her head back out into the living room , she saw that Lucas was sitting cross - legged on his mat , so she sat back down on hers to finish their yoga session . " That which is divine in me sees and honours that which is divine in you . It 's a word spoken between two peoples ' souls . " Glory said . Lucas nodded and got to his feet , offering Glory a hand up , which she took . After cleaning and rolling the matts away , Glory fixed them bacon and eggs for breakfast . " Not exactly Ayurvedic , but I never claimed to be a yogini . " " Yeah , for a while … but I love meat . I try to buy from organic , sustainable , humane sources and I try to eat vegetarian once in a while , but not all the time . " he said , putting a forkful of eggs into his mouth . " I try for one veggie meal a week … or more . It 's easier to cook veggie for one person than to cook meat , but I still like my meat . " Glory said . " I did start painting at home . It 's really meditative for me . I never realized how peaceful it would be , being creative like that . " he said , finishing his coffee . " Everyone , as in who ? And what 's there to tell ? " Glory was very surprised that he would show this much interest in her when they weren 't together . " Just a couple of my close friends and my family . Well , Greg and Shana already knew , but I told my mom , and my other sister , Becky . Does that bother you ? I was really surprised to hear that you hadn 't told anyone about us . " he countered . " Again , I 'm still not sure what to tell them . And I 'm not sure I 'm even ready to define this as anything yet . We get together when you come to Toronto … that 's it , isn 't it ? " she asked . " Yeah , that 's all it is for right now . I do really like you , though . Can I hope for something more someday ? " he asked , focusing his eyes on his canvas . Glory stood next to him taking in all of the nuances of his painting . It was abstract , but she could sense the stillness of the water reflecting the intrusion of a new day . The fire radiated from the surface of the water out to the corners of the canvas . He had a very good eye and expressed himself well with paints . Lucas stepped over to see what Glory had painted . It was him . The blue of his eyes , the reddish tinge in his beard , the black marker he used to sign autographs . " I wanted to capture the essence of what a fan feels when they come to you for an autograph ; there 's such anticipation and joy , but fear , too , which you seem to ease with your smile and your twinkling eyes . " She pointed to different areas of the canvas as she spoke . " I watched you yesterday . You almost have it down to an art . You take control of the situation and put everyone at their ease . It 's a joy to watch you work . " Glory was looking up at him as she spoke . She had to admit that she was still a little bit in awe of this beautiful man . Lucas felt a blush start to burn up his neck . " That 's not really watching me work . Someday , I 'll bring you on - set for one of my movies and you can watch me do my real job . " he said . " This is part of being a celebrity , not part of being an actor . " " Well , maybe a little . " Lucas said with a little laugh . He came around behind her and put his arms around her to get a better view of her painting . " You 've never asked me for an autograph . " he said , trying to sound blasé . She took both of his paint - stained hands and placed them on her breasts . " I can think of better uses for these hands than signing silly pictures . " she said in a husky voice . Once they had finished cleaning up , though , the moment had passed and Glory suggested a walk by the ravine near her apartment . " It was still pretty dry down by the creek earlier this week , but if it 's wet , there 's a high trail we can take . " she said . " I 'm feeling the urge to be outdoors now that spring is finally here . " " Let 's do it . " Lucas said . He had brought a pair of rougher boots along with his sneakers . They were a fashion choice , but they were leather and a better choice for a walk by the ravine than his Converse . Glory shrugged . " There 's always hope , babe . I really like you , too , but there is the matter of us living almost 4 , 000 kilometers away from each other . " she said . " Makes having a relationship pretty challenging . " " Even that 's almost a thousand kilometers away . " she said . " Let 's face it , if we were going to have something more than this , one of us would have to relocate … and I can 't see it being you . " " Me , too . " Lucas said , with a little chuckle . " So I guess that leaves us right where we are . Maybe you could come and visit me in Boston when I 'm there … if you want to . " " I 've never been to Boston . That might be a fun way to spend a weekend this summer . " Glory said , mulling the idea over in her mind . " Yeah , let 's plan on that . " she said . " Okay ! Well , that 's a start . " Lucas said , not able to keep his pleasure off of his face . He put his arm over her shoulders and they kept walking . " There 's nothing stopping us from painting some more when we get back . I have good lighting in that area , so even when the sun goes down … " Glory said . " There 's nights when I come home from work and look up to see it 's midnight and I haven 't even eaten dinner yet ! " And so , when they got back to the apartment , Lucas set himself up to paint again while Glory made them some chili for supper . She had poured everything out on canvas that she needed to and now felt light and empty and not in need of the therapy that a canvas and brush offered her . She found that when she tried to paint when she was like this , nothing happened . She watched Lucas from the kitchen , dashing off a few lines on his canvas with charcoal before starting to mix colours on his palette . His brush strokes were sometimes bold and sure , and other times tentative and halting . He asked Glory to help him get a particular shade that he was looking for right once , but spent the rest of the time in his own little creative world . " Chili 's ready , isn 't it ? " Lucas asked . " I can smell it . " He didn 't stop what he was doing or look at her . " Give me … 10 more minutes . I just want to finish this … thing . " He pointed his paintbrush at the area of the canvas he was working on . Then he turned towards her and gave her a quick kiss before turning back and placing his brush on the canvas . Lucas nodded and sat down at the table . There was chili and bread and sour cream and cheese . The chili wasn 't very spicy hot , but it was wonderfully flavourful . When Lucas commented on the lack of heat , Glory said , " I don 't really like hot stuff . It burns your taste buds out so that eventually you can 't taste the more subtle spices . " " I can see the stream and the early vegetation there . " she said , pointing to the pale green that is only seen in the early spring . " What 's this , flickering through the trees up here ? " she asked . Lucas watched her beautiful ass as she walked away from him and smiled . How could she do that ? Turn him on with a look and a smile like that ? Lucas leaned against the doorframe to take in the tableau before him . On the bedside table was a bowl of berries and a bowl of whipped cream . This was a game he hadn 't played in a very long time . " Very good . Maybe when you 're in Boston , I 'll show you just how good . " He pushed off from the doorframe and came over to her side of the bed , running two fingers through the top of the whipped cream , and kneeling beside the bed , offered them to her to lick off . He fully expected the jolt of pleasure to his groin , but he still gasped when he felt her tongue start to lick the sweet cream from his fingers . When she was done , she gave him an innocent smile and he shook his head . He ran a finger through the whipped cream again , this time depositing it on one of her nipples . She hadn 't been expecting that and squeaked in surprise as the coldness made her areola pucker . But it wasn 't cold for long as Lucas dipped his head to take her nipple into his mouth , lingering there long after the taste of whipped cream was gone . Lucas chuckled , which sounded like thunder rumbling through his chest . " I don 't know about better … that was pretty good … but it is nice with the berries . But it has to be the real deal , though , not some domestic bubbly . " Glory smiled . Every once in a while , she still found herself thrilling to the fact that this was Lucas Wolfe and he thought she was pretty impressive ! She had just made love to Lucas Wolfe and made him chili and taught him how to do yoga . She was a part of his life … his Toronto girl . It gave her a warm glow . Most of the time , it was easy to see him as just a guy , but every once in a while … The next day was Monday , and she had to work . Lucas had lined up several locations that he needed to take a look at and he had an appointment at city hall to talk about the perks being offered film companies for filming in Toronto and area . Glory already had their dinner planned and would set up the crockpot in the morning so that they 'd just have to come home and eat . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceApril 26 , 20174 , 622 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 6 - Art Show Glory was up early the next morning , but she didn 't get up . She was nervous and anxious and what she needed was the slow , sensual lovemaking that Lucas was so good at . When they were done and he had her cradled in his arms , she felt like she owned the world ! Glory had an image that she liked to project of herself when she was ' playing ' the artist at her shows . She put on a pair of tights and a filmy , multi - layered top in shades of aqua and green and she finished the outfit with a long vest . The colours and the flow of the fabric made her feel connected and grounded and in the perfect frame of mind to talk to people about her art . " It 's got a nice flow to it ; let 's me feel free to express myself more easily . " Glory said , stroking his beard and kissing him sweetly before turning away to put on some make - up . She never wore much make - up and she didn 't make exceptions for art shows . With Lucas coming to the art show , Glory was even more anxious than usual before a show . She sat down cross - legged on the floor to try to still her mind for a few minutes . She opened her eyes to see that Lucas was doing the same thing . " Do you have any mantras that you use to meditate to ? I usually let the energy flow through the chakras until it 's flowing unimpeded . " Glory said . She wasn 't sure if he did yoga or not , but she had read somewhere that he did meditate . So Glory talked about the chakras as they sat together ; the position of each , what systems in the body they affected , and what they felt like when they were open . Lucas found her voice mesmerizing as she spoke and was focusing more on the sound than on her words . They sat quietly after she stopped talking for some time settling their minds and getting to a point of ease with the tasks ahead . " No , no yoga . " Lucas said . " I 've always wanted to try it , but never have . So , yes , I 'd love to do it with you . " Desirée met them at the yacht club and they went around and met the rest of the artists . Marion had her booth set up next to Glory 's and came over to meet Lucas and chat with Glory about her set up . Glory ended up moving a couple of paintings at Marion 's suggestion and Lucas had to admit that the changes were for the better . Finally , Miguel , who was a photographer , sent Glory in to stand near Lucas for a few shots . They sat together talking for a couple of shots , then Lucas stood up behind Glory with his hands on her shoulders and leaned in as if to listen to something she said . After that , Lucas pulled Glory out from behind the table and put his arms around her as though they were dancing . He held her mesmerized with his piercing blue gaze . When Miguel stopped shooting , Lucas gave Glory a quick squeeze before going to see what the pictures looked like . " You 're a natural in front of the camera , " Miguel said . " and so is Glory . You guys made it easy . I just had to point and shoot ! " " Well , I 've had lots of practise . " Lucas said , flipping through the pictures again . " Can I get you to blow this one up for me and mount it ? " he asked , showing Miguel one of the dancing pictures . " Let 's talk afterwards . " Lucas said . He could see the look of concern on Glory 's face around having her picture up on display in Miguel 's collection . " Like I said , lots of practise . It gets easy after a while . It was fun to call the shots , though . I don 't get to do that very often . That dancing picture will look great up in my house in LA . " Lucas said . " You know , if you 're not comfortable with Miguel adding it to his collection , maybe he could blur the faces . That would definitely give it more of an artistic feel . " Glory thought about that for a moment . " We 'll talk to him after the show and see what his intentions are around that one . Looks like the doors are about to open . Are you ready ? " Glory said . Lucas held up a handful of Sharpies and smiled . Holly came over then and hugged Glory and shook Lucas ' hand . " Mom 's on a bit of a warpath about you not bringing Lucas to dinner last night . " Holly said . And that was the last they were able to talk as the doors opened and crowds of people made a bee - line to see Lucas . Desirée had been very canny in how she had set things up , though . As people were waiting to meet Lucas , there were booths all the way around that they could go into . Glory watched Lucas as he greeted people , laughing and chatting comfortably with everyone . He put his focus on each person , making them feel special for that moment in time that they had with him . He was a joy to watch work . " Hi , mom ; Aunt Claire . " Holly said . " This is Lucas Wolfe . You remember us talking about meeting him before Christmas . " Lucas gave a little wave as he was still talking to a couple of other people . " Hi Claire … " He shook Glory 's aunt 's hand and then realized that he didn 't know her mom 's name ! " and Mrs . Campbell . " He extended his hand to shake Glory 's mom 's hand . " So formal ! " she said , with a smile . " You can call me Beth . " She shook his hand firmly . " These prints turned out really well ! " Beth had picked up one of the prints from the table and held it up to compare it with the original . " They did . " Glory said , coming up behind her mom and giving her a hug . " Marion 's printer is pretty well respected , and I can see why . " It took a minute to clear everyone from in front of the table , but they managed to get several great shots of all 4 of them with Lucas . In all of them , Glory was next to Lucas and Miguel could see a very nice bond there . The little touches , fond looks , and caring attitude came through in all of the pictures . " I 'll send these to you , Glory . You can let me know if you want any of them blown up or fixed up , okay ? " Miguel said before heading back to his booth . Lucas looked over at Glory , but she was busy with another customer . He could see that several of her smaller paintings were gone from the scaffolding and he smiled . A good day all around ! Then another group of people came for autographs and he lost himself in the job of signing and promoting Glory 's work . A glass of white wine appeared next to him and he looked up to see Glory standing there with her own glass . " You looked like you could use it . " she said , and held her glass out to him to toast . Lucas took a sip and closed his eyes to savour the taste . It wasn 't the best wine , but it wasn 't bad either … like he was any kind of wine connoisseur ! It was wet and had alcohol in it … that 's all that mattered to him at that moment . Lucas smiled at her and stretched out his hand . " I signed a lot of prints . How did we do , Holly ? " he asked , looking over at Holly , who was counting money . " Well , we had 200 prints and it looks like we 've only got about 50 left . And Glory , you sold 5 paintings ! That 's great ! " Holly said . " And I 've got a buyer interested in that one . " Glory said , pointing to one of her bigger pieces . " He didn 't want to take it with him today , but I 've got his number , so I 'll connect with him next week . " Lucas smiled up at her . What he wanted to do is to take her in his arms and kiss her , but he could see her mom and aunt still talking to Desirée , so he restrained himself . But he did stand up and give her a hug . " Thank you so much for doing this , Lucas . You probably drew a lot of people in that wouldn 't have otherwise come . " Glory said , not letting him go . " Glad I could help . " he said , pulling away and looking her in the eye . Holly had moved off to let Desirée know how much they had raised with the prints . Beth came up then and claimed Glory for a hug . " Congratulations , darling ! You did so well ! " Beth looked up to see that the Matt Hunter painting was still there . " You didn 't sell this one ? I thought I heard someone asking about it . " " That one 's mine . " Lucas said , quickly . " I don 't have a spot for it , yet , so I 'm leaving it with Glory until I do . " After a few minutes , Lucas excused himself to go over and talk to Miguel about their pictures . Miguel had loaded the photos onto his computer so that they could look at them in detail . They chatted about a few of them and Lucas settled with him on the shot he wanted , then he waved Glory over . " How 's that look ? " Miguel asked Glory . " If you think we need to blur it as well , I can do that , but all you can see now is the edge of your jawline . " " What do you think , Miguel ? " Glory asked . " I don 't want to screw up your shot … I 'm just not sure I want my face up at all of your exhibits . " " I like it with the shadow . " Miguel said . " Lucas ' face is well known , but to have his dance partner be a mystery works well for me . " " Of course . " Miguel said . " Here , let me revert to the original shot . " He clicked a few buttons in Photoshop to bring back the original picture and Glory gasped when it came up . It wasn 't only Lucas ' look that was breathtaking , but hers as well ! " I already did . " Lucas said and put his finger across her mouth when she started to protest again . " Don 't argue with Captain Hunter , remember ? " She smiled and kissed his finger before he pulled it away . " Let 's go and get everything packed up . Diana just got here , so we 'll be going for dinner soon . " Glory said . It didn 't take them long to pack up . Diana came over with Kelsey , who she gladly relinquished to Lucas when he reached for her . He seemed very comfortable holding a baby and Kelsey seemed to like him , too . She was a pretty good baby , but she did tend to get fussy when she was passed to strangers , but not Lucas ! " I 'm still a kid myself . " Lucas said in explanation . " Babies seem to sense that about me , I guess . " He turned back to Kelsey and started making faces at her . " Let 's see how things go . " Glory said . " I may need to keep my wits about me , but thank you . That 's really sweet of you . " " No problem , babe . " he said , settling back for the ride . " It 's the least I could do . Today was a lot of fun . " Glory smiled . It had been a wonderful day . That seemed to be how all of her days with Lucas went . " Always , when you 're around . " she said , quietly . " That would be nice . " She was at a red light , so she looked over at him and he leaned over to give her a quick kiss . The restaurant parking lot was just past the light , so Glory pulled in next to her mom 's car and squeezed Lucas ' hand saying , " Here goes nothing … " " We are , indeed , my dear . " Glory answered , stretching up to give him a quick kiss on the lips . She remembered too late what Lucas had said about always being recognized in airports and pulled back . " Come on . " he said for her ears only . " Let 's get out of here so I can kiss you properly . " He put his hand on the small of her back and guided her towards the doors . Lucas laughed . " You should still check the seats for scorch marks . " he said , jokingly . He gathered her into his arms , rhythmically stroking her back . " I was very surprised to hear that you hadn 't told anyone about me , about our sexual relationship , about our friendship , even . Most girls can 't wait to tell everyone they know that they 've slept with me . " Lucas said , quietly . Glory shrugged . " It 's pretty cliché to say , but I 'm not like most girls . It felt nice to have this thing with you that I didn 't have to share with anyone else . That was at first , anyway . But then , as time went on , it became harder and harder to tell people … " she said , letting her voice trail off . " And have we kept in touch since November ? What did you tell your family ? " Lucas asked . If he was playing a role on Saturday , he wanted all the pieces of the character . " I said we 'd been in touch a few times … the odd text , a couple of phone calls … but that was it until this weekend . " Glory said . " I 'm sorry … I shouldn 't ask you to lie . I should come clean with everyone and have done with it . " " Don 't worry about it . I just want to make sure I don 't put my foot in it on Saturday . " Lucas said , still stroking her back . " I 'd call it dating … nothing serious yet , but definitely two people who are interested in each other . " Lucas offered . Glory was quiet for a long time , thinking about how best to deal with her family . So they went and pulled together dinner . They lingered a long time over the wine , laughing and chatting about everything from painting to art to music to current affairs . Afterwards , they cuddled on the couch watching some mindless TV and still talking until Glory started to yawn . " I 'm sorry , babe . " Lucas said , shaking his head . " I wasn 't thinking … I 'm still on west coast time , but you must be beat ! " Glory had taken the next day off work so that she could prepare for the show . She had the prints to pick up and they could go in and set up her booth that afternoon . Desirée had almost lost her mind when Glory told her about Lucas and his idea to raise funds for their chosen charity . " And you never told me ? How long have you known him ? " She and Desirée were pretty close for co - workers … Glory should have told her back in November . " We met in November … remember that girl 's night out I did with my cousin … her first night out after the baby ? " Desirée nodded . " That weekend . " " No , nothing like that . " Glory lied . " Just friends , but I think he 's interested . It 's tough with him in LA and me here . " " True . Well , that will be so cool ! Did you get the prints ordered yet ? We can put a table in front of your booth , maybe . We can look at the logistics on Friday when you come to set up . " Desirée said , making changes to her floor plan in her head as she spoke . After that , Glory had spoken to Marion , her mentor . Marion had recommended her printer and Glory was able to get the prints ordered . She would have to bring the original painting in that night , Tuesday , but he seemed confident that he could have them done by Friday afternoon . Lucas came out an hour and a half later looking for her . He was wearing just his boxers . He stood behind her at the computer , watching her as she worked . " This is what a commercial artist does ? " he asked . Shower sex was always fun with Lucas ! His strength made almost any position they tried easy ! And holding his body against hers under the streaming water afterwards was a perfect way to start a day , Glory thought , breathing deeply of the steamy air and trying to catch her breath . " Well , we have to load up my car with the paintings that I 'm going to display and then make a stop at the printers to pick up the prints . By then , we should be able to get into the yacht club to start setting up . " she said , counting off on her fingers . " The prints should be ready by noon , so we can go there anytime , and Desirée said she 'd be at the yacht club setting up all afternoon . " Glory laughed . " That takes care of your part of it , anyway ! I 've got a cash box and I picked up some change for a float from the bank . I 've done up some posters on my computer … I 'm going to load them onto a stick and see if the printer can print them on 12 by 18 stock for me . " She was still going over what she needed in her mind . " I never realized how much would go into an art show . " Lucas said . " You let me know what you need me to do to help out . " He raised an eyebrow at her until she nodded , then he finished his coffee and said , " Are your paintings ready to go out to the car now ? I could start taking them down . " Glory took him over to the stack of paintings she had leaning against the wall . She had already wrapped them each in burlap to protect them on the drive down , so Lucas started taking them down to her car as she cleaned up the kitchen . She pulled out the cash box which had the name plates and pricing for each of the paintings in it and went to change . The space that had been set up for them was bigger than Glory had expected , but she used the scaffolding to hang the paintings up , and she had invested in a few spot lights to highlight her best pieces . The main one being highlighted the next day would be her Matt Hunter piece . In the end , she did have a few paintings that she didn 't put up and kept in reserve . If she sold something that was up , she would have another one to take its place . " Yeah . He said that was a fun night . He usually doesn 't get recognized , especially when he 's with me , so he 'll remember you guys for a while . " Lucas said with a little chuckle . " Wow ! " Holly said . " Well , tell him we had fun , too . " Then she excused herself to go and see if Desirée needed any help with anything . " For now , anyway . " she said , looking up at him . Suddenly , all she wanted to do was feel those wonderfully soft lips on hers . She reached up and caressed his beard , which surprised him . She was thinking and thinking hard . She didn 't like hiding , especially with her sister . If she took flack for this relationship , then she 'd rather take it now than later . " No , better just me . " Glory said and gave him a little push towards the door . She could see that Desirée was waiting for him by the truck with a couple more cases of wine . " Okay , so we 're more than just friends . I went back to the hotel that night and we played cards , then we slept together , then we made love . I stayed the weekend , and it was wonderful . We 've kept in touch and he had a stop over here in January and we spent the night together . And he is staying at my place this weekend . " Glory spoke quickly before she lost her nerve . " No … maybe … I don 't think so . I think I 'm just his Toronto girl . We haven 't talked about being exclusive or anything like that , so I 'm not deluding myself that I 'm his only girl . " Glory said , stumbling over her words a little bit . " What kind of relationship can you hope to have with a guy like that ? Long distance to be sure . His Toronto girl ? Come on Glor … you 're better than that . " Holly said , pleadingly . Glory thought about that for a minute . " I am . And when I 'm ready to have another serious relationship , I 'm sure whatever this is won 't be enough . But after Brad , I 'm ready to take a break and be really casual for a while . " she said , flicking on the spots to make sure that they all worked and starting to place them on the scaffolding , carefully aiming them . Glory smiled and followed Holly 's eye out the window . " He 's sweet and fun to be with , too . " she said with a tender look out the window . Holly turned back to Glory and gave her a hug . " Just be careful , eh ? Don 't let him stomp on your heart or anything . And be safe . " Glory smiled at her little sister . Why was it that she so often felt like the younger one in their relationship ? " I 'm always careful and safe is my middle name . Don 't worry about me . " She pulled Holly in for another hug . It was such a relief to have one person in the world to be able to talk to about Lucas ! " I begged off because Lucas is here . I 'm not sure I 'm ready for dinner with the family , yet . " Glory said , handing Holly another light and pointing at a picture to aim it at . " Right now , you 're the only one who knows the extent of this , and I 'd like to keep it that way for now . I don 't really want to have to deal with the world knowing … at least until there 's something to know . " " So you 're going to sign these prints of Glory 's picture of you ? I love that picture . It captures the complexity of the character . " Holly said . Glory poked her head around the scaffolding . " Here , put this sign up . " she said to Lucas , handing him the poster for over his table . Holly held one end of the poster up while Lucas secured the other end . " Mom 's not going to be happy that you 're not coming for dinner tonight , you know ? " Holly said , joining her sister to survey the booth . Glory looked at her and shrugged . " She 's always so negative about all of the guys I date . I 'm just not ready to take her flack over Lucas until I 'm sure there 's something to take flack over . " Glory was speaking quietly so that Lucas couldn 't hear her . Lucas came around the table to join the girls and check out their booth . " Na … everything is usually all set up for me when I do signings . " He closed his eyes as he thought about how elitist that sounded . " It 's kinda fun to help with the set up . There 's lots of wine for tomorrow . Does this turn into a drunk later ? " he asked Glory with a little smile . " Do I have to ? " Lucas asked , jokingly . He had one arm around her back and he pulled her in close to him . He was glad that at least Holly knew that they were intimate . Being platonic with her was proving to be a little difficult . Once her booth was set up , Desirée seemed to have everything under control , so Glory and Lucas took their leave , waving to Holly in the parking lot . " See you tomorrow ! " Holly said , and Glory nodded as she got into the car . " Grubby Chinese sounds perfect . " Lucas said . Glory leaned over to give him a quick kiss before putting the car in gear and heading out of the parking lot . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 20173 , 449 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 4 - Long Distance Nightmare 1 AM . That was the time on his phone as he picked it up to see who the hell was calling him in the middle of the night . When he saw Glory 's name , though , he answered immediately . " Do you have the lights on ? " he asked . He knew this is the first thing his sister did when one of her kids had a nightmare . Everything is scarier in the dark . Lucas sighed . What could he do for her from here ? If he was there , he 'd hold her and comfort her , but he wasn 't there . He shook his head in frustration . Finally , her voice came through the phone , small and scared . " I 'm in bed and it 's late . I 'm almost asleep when I hear the dragon come in the room . " she said , quietly . Glory paused for a moment . " No … it 's a camp cot . It must be at my cousin , Diana 's . Her and Holly would share her bed and they 'd set up a camp cot for me . " she said , sounding a little surprised at this revelation . Continue reading " Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 4 - Long Distance Nightmare " → |
Category : Romance Dragons in the Dark - Chapter - Glory 's Birthday " I 'm sorry , babe . I have to work today . Are you okay on your own ? I 'm off at 4 so we can go to my mom 's . " Glory was still wrapped in Lucas ' arms but her alarm had just gone off . " Come shower with me , " she whispered against his lips . " Start this birthday off right . " She rolled out of bed trying to pull him out with her . " I 'm going to work through so I can take off a little earlier . Unless you really want to meet me for lunch . I 'm only getting off early so I can be with you , so either way works for me , " Glory said , coquettishly . Glory gave him an impatient look . " You don 't have to buy me anything , you know . I 'm not in this for the goodies . " " I know … that 's what makes buying you something even more fun . You don 't expect it . Do you know how refreshing that is ? " Lucas asked . " I 'll grab something later . I 'm not hungry yet , " Lucas said , grabbing a towel to hand to Glory before taking one for himself . Glory finished drying off and by the time Lucas had finished drying off and shaving , she was in the kitchen having breakfast and making her lunch . He pulled some clothes out of his suitcase and went into the kitchen to join her . She spent the rest of the day in a bit of a daze . Most of her co - workers came by to wish her a happy birthday . Her boss had a card for her and chatted with her for a few minutes about her plans for that night . He had met Lucas at the art show the month before and would often come and talk to her about what Lucas was doing in his professional life . Desirée wanted to take her to lunch , but she begged off , saying that she was meeting Lucas after work , so they made plans to go out the next day . When 4 o ' clock came around , Glory was packed up and ready to leave as soon as the clock struck the hour . She was trying not to be too excited about what Lucas might have bought her , but that was a hard sell . She was also excited to introduce him to her mom and sister and the rest of her family as her boyfriend ! Again , she couldn 't keep the smile from her face when she thought about it . She gave him a sideways look and took the box over to the couch to open . What was inside was magenta and satin - y and very skimpy . " Are you sure this is for me and not you ? " she asked , looking at him sitting next to her on the couch . Inside the second package was a purple camisole with a lace edging along the neckline . It had spaghetti straps and fell to her hips . Underneath it were the matching bra and panties . " Wow … and these all seem to be my size . Should I be concerned at how comfortable you are buying women 's lingerie ? " Glory asked with a laugh . " I 've never dated anyone who didn 't like receiving lingerie , and , you 're right , it 's partially for me , too . " He smiled at her . " Were you going to change for your mom 's ? Wear these . " He held up the box with the camisole in it for her to take into the bedroom . Glory took a lot of care getting dressed . She had a dress that she wanted to wear that night and the lace on the camisole just peeked out around the neckline and complemented the navy blue dress perfectly . The bra and panties were a perfect fit , which made Glory wonder a little bit about Lucas . She hadn 't asked , but now she wondered how many girls there had been before her . Could she ask now that they were dating ? " Well , we were lovers before this weekend . No real commitment , we could see other people , just getting together for sex , " Lucas said . " A girlfriend , I consider as someone I 'm in an exclusive relationship with . There 's sex , but there 's more . " " Okay , so the 5 lovers never got to be girlfriends . So there have been 5 lovers and 5 girlfriends before me , " Glory said , nodding her head . " That 's not bad . " " Okay … " She paused for a minute to count . " Well , I 've had 4 boyfriends , but more lovers . I 've had a few one night stands and some non - committed relationships … maybe 10 in all . " " Nope . Not much you could have told me would have freaked me out , " he said . " Just because I 've been a monk , I don 't expect others to be . Are you ready to go ? " Beth met them at the door of her apartment with a big hug and a kiss for Glory . " Happy birthday , darling . I can 't believe that you 're 30 ! " She kissed Glory on the cheek again and waved her into the house . " Well , that 's nice . How 's it going to work with you guys living so far apart ? " Beth asked , her brow furrowing in concern . " We 're not sure yet , Beth , " Lucas answered . " We 'll play it by ear for now and see what happens . Hopefully , at some point , we 'll be able to find a way to live in the same city anyway . For right now , it 'll have to be a long - distance relationship . " " Congratulations are in order , then . I hope it works out for you guys , " Beth said , lifting her glass of wine up to toast them both . Lucas put his arm around Glory and lifted his beer to toast the two women . There were lots of congratulations for the happy couple and then Beth called them into the dining room for dinner . Steak and potatoes with asparagus was one of Glory 's favourite meals and she ate with gusto . After they were done , Beth brought out a chocolate cake almost completely covered in candles ! " Mom , you didn 't actually have to put 30 candles on the cake . Way to make me feel old ! " Glory said , smiling after they had all sang her ' Happy Birthday ' . The box contained a beautiful red and black cardigan . The colour faded from black at the top to red at the bottom . It flared prettily at the bottom and looked great over her navy blue dress . She spun once to show the flare of the sweater . " Maybe … " Lucas said . Glory opened the box and found a dainty ring inside . There were 2 stones , one dark blue , the other , light blue . Glory tried it on her right hand ring finger and held it up to the light . The smile on her face told Lucas that this had been the exact right gift to give her . She turned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and said , " Thank you , babe . It 's perfect ! " " You 're welcome , sweetie . It looks really pretty on your hand . I knew I 'd have to find something delicate , " he said , turning his head to kiss her neck through her hair . Beth kept her eyes downcast , looking at the ring and nodded . " Don 't move too fast , okay ? You guys have lots of time , " she said . Once everyone had a piece of cake in front of them , the conversation turned to inconsequential things as they ate . There was much laughter with Lucas there . He had a great sense of humour and lots of great stories from his movie - shoots and hanging out with other Hollywood types . His humour was light and self - deprecating and put everyone at ease . They moved the party to the living room after the cake was done and spent another couple of hours talking and laughing . Beth watched Glory with Lucas and she could see that there was love there . She was more than a little concerned about the long - distance nature of their relationship , but she hoped they 'd find a way to work that out . It was about 10 pm when Glory called it a night . She still had to work the next day , although she had let them know that she would be in late so she could see Lucas off at the airport . She had a new nighty to try out that night , so she had a great reason to head home a little early . " He seems like a nice guy and Glory adores him . It should be alright , " Claire said . " He 's a lot of fun to be around . " Lucas and Glory fell giggling into her apartment . She had been teasing him all the way home and now was his turn to get even . He pressed his lips to hers and cupped her breast through the material of her dress , camisole and bra . " You 're wearing too much clothes , " he said , huskily . Glory reached down and grabbed the bottom of her dress and lifted it over her head . She tossed it over onto the couch and returned to Lucas ' embrace . " Better ? " she said . " Much , " he said and swooped down to scoop her into his arms . " Bedtime , baby . " He carried her into the bedroom and dropped her on the bed and lay over her kissing her face and neck , then moving down lower . Glory closed her eyes as he moved his lips and tongue slowly down her body , teasing and arousing her and bringing her to a shattering orgasm , before moving up to thrust himself deep inside of her to find his own release . Lucas held her gently in his arms as she slowly came back to her senses . " Yeah , that 's going to be fun ! I can 't wait for everyone to meet you ! My mom 's been bugging me , especially since Greg and Kayla have met you , " Lucas said , a slow smile spreading across his face at the thought of his mom . " Can you swing an extra - long weekend ? Maybe come up on Friday and fly back on Monday ? " " Maybe . Let me ask at work . I 've got lots of vacation time left for this year , so I should be able to . If I can work from there , I may be able to come for longer . I 'll check with my boss this week and I can let you know . Will we be staying at your mom 's ? You mentioned your condo in Boston once . " " We 'll probably stay with mom the night of the party , but we 'll be staying at my condo . I can 't wait for you to see it . I 've got your painting up and it looks great ! " Lucas said . Glory didn 't say anything for a few minutes . Lucas stroked her hair off of her face before asking her , " Everything okay ? You got awfully quiet all of a sudden . " " Yeah , " she said and paused for a few more seconds . " No . All of those people have met your other girlfriends and lovers . I don 't know how I 'll stack up . " " They all love me . The fact that I love you will be enough for them . I surround myself with some pretty awesome people , so I don 't think you need to worry , " he said , quietly . " Yeah , but the party will be on Saturday , " he said . " If you can come up on Thursday or Friday and then fly home on Monday or Tuesday , that would be great ! Even if you have to work part of that time , that should should be fine . I 'll have to help my mom set up for the party anyway , so I 'll be busy . " Glory smiled to herself and snuggled in closer in to his side . " Just don 't abandon me with a bunch of strangers , okay ? I had a boyfriend who always used to do that to me and it made me really uncomfortable . " She had closed her eyes and suddenly realizing how tired she was . " Don 't worry , love . I 'll stay right by your side . But I don 't think these people will be strangers to you for long , " Lucas said , softly . " They are going to love you just as much as I do . " By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceMay 23 , 20173 , 673 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 9 - Tourists Glory woke slowly and stretched . Something was different , but she wasn 't sure what it was . She could see light in the room through her closed eyelids so she rolled towards her bedside clock to see the time . 7 : 30 . Wasn 't it the weekend ? she thought . Once she was sure that it was , she rolled back over to go back to sleep . Something was still different and it was tugging at her mind . Someone was cooking bacon ; someone in her apartment . She let a smile grow on her face . It must be her boyfriend . She let that thought sink in for a moment before jumping out of bed and finding some clothes to put on to go and find out what Lucas was up to . " There you are , sleepy head . " Lucas said , turning towards her to give her a kiss before he turned back to flip the bacon again . " I thought I owed you breakfast . " " It 's so early . " Glory complained , sitting down at the table . " Isn 't it the weekend ? And aren 't you on LA time still ? It 's only 4 : 30 AM in LA . " Lucas put a cup of coffee down in front of her and she took it in both hands and took a sip . She smiled to herself when she realized that he knew how she took her coffee . While she cradled her coffee cup , she said , " I love you . " " Coffee 'll do that to you . " he said with a smile from in front of the stove . " And I 'm on Boston time . I 've been off the last couple of weeks . Is it too early for you ? " he asked with concern . " Noon is a good time to get up on a Saturday . 7 : 30 is usually when I get up for a pee so I can go back to sleep . " Glory said , taking another sip of her coffee . " You 've never been this much of an early bird when you 've come to visit before . " Lucas shrugged . " I 'm usually not , especially when I have a beautiful woman next to me in bed . " He winked at her . " But I was awake , so I thought I 'd get a head start on breakfast . " " We did crash pretty early last night . " Lucas said , defensively . " We can go back to bed , if you want . I just wanted to spend as much time with you as I could . Our relationship up to now has been spent mostly in bed . " He raised an eyebrow at her suggestively . " I thought we could do some stuff together today before dinner . " " Out and about with Lucas Wolfe . " Glory said , trying that idea out in her mind . " How many times do you think we 'll be accosted by autograph hounds or people wanting their picture taken with you ? " Glory had spoken lightly , but Lucas could hear the concern behind her words . " Toronto 's actually pretty good . " Lucas said . " If people recognize me , many of them will just wave or yell to me ; not a lot of people actually stop me . " But when we go to New York or LA , people are much bolder . I can sometimes hardly walk down the street , especially if I 'm someplace and word gets out on the internet . " He wanted her to be prepared for this stuff ; the last thing he wanted to do is to have her be spooked by fans and run . And he was getting the feeling she spooked pretty easily . " I don 't know . Is there a lot to see hanging around in downtown Toronto ? " he asked . " Do you want eggs , too , or just bacon and tomato ? " he added . " Bacon and tomato is fine , and , yes , there 's lots to see in downtown Toronto . We could wander up Yonge Street and do some shopping , then we can check out Queen West … it 's not as trendy and hipster as it used to be , but it 's still pretty cool . We can go to Kensington Market and Chinatown and then grab the streetcar down to the CN Tower and Skydome . " Once Glory got started , she realized that there were lots of places she wanted to show him ! Lucas was watching her get excited about showing him her city and he smiled . " Sounds like getting up early was a good idea after all . " he said . Glory smiled back . " Don 't think I 've forgiven you yet , movie - boy ! I value my sleep time on the weekends ! " she teased him . Lucas laughed . " So I 've been downgraded again , have I ? " He turned around to butter the toast that had popped up and was busy for the next couple of minutes assembling Glory 's bacon and tomato sandwich . " Mayo ? " he asked , and looked back to see Glory nod . " Yes . " he answered . " I sent a text to my assistant last night and she got back to me this morning with a 7 pm reservation . Is that okay ? " He sat down at the table across from her with his sandwich , then got up to refresh both of their coffees before settling down to eat . " The time ? Yeah , that works . Might even give us time to come back here and change before dinner . Depending on how much fun we 're having being tourist - y . " she said . Lucas just nodded because he had a mouthful of sandwich . They sat and finished their breakfast , talking about inconsequential things . After a quick shower and clothes and they were out the door . It was an absolutely beautiful day . Glory wore sandals and a flirty little dress , in case they didn 't get to go home and change , and Lucas was casual , but not in jeans . He wore a pair of khakis and a polo shirt over his signature sneakers . " Well , Emilia , I like your shirt . I have one just like it . " he said , pointing at , but not touching her shirt . " How old are you , Emilia ? " " I 'm 8 . " she said , holding up 4 fingers on each hand , " and I love Matt Hunter . " She was starting to lose her shyness in the face of Lucas ' friendliness . " He 's my favourite Brancher . Is he going to be Marta 's boyfriend ? I think he should . What 's going to happen to Ian ? " Marta was another Special Brancher . The last movie had started to bring them into a romantic relationship . Ian was Matt 's best friend from his hometown . Lucas was smiling at her precociousness , and now that her shyness was gone she was not to be stopped . " Are you really mad at Brock ? I like Brock … he 's really cute and funny . " Brock was the commander of Special Branch with whom Mat had a love / hate relationship . Emilia turned to her mom . " Mom , do you have my colouring book so I can show him my picture ? " Emilia 's mom seemed very apologetic . " Sorry , Mr . Wolfe . When she gets going , it 's hard to get her to stop . " She handed Emilia her colouring book so she could turn to the picture she wanted to show Lucas . " See ? It 's you and Brock and Ian fighting . I don 't like it when you fight . Will you ever be friends again ? " Her eyes were pleading as he looked up at him . " Traffic . Sorry . It 's usually not this bad . Figures , eh ? I have a hot man waiting at home for me and I can 't get there , " Glory said . Lucas was putting a pan of pull - apart bread on the table with melted butter , salsa and hummus to dip . " Appetizer … and we can move on to the main course from there , or use this to sustain us through some extended lovemaking , " he said with a little bow . He pulled her chair out from the table for her to sit . It had been just over a month since his last visit , but Glory had been hungering for him . When he had called earlier this week to say he 'd be in town , that hunger had intensified . She wasn 't sure if she could sit calmly across the table from him eating dinner until she had made love to him , but she would give it a try ! The anticipation was delicious ! They chatted about everything and nothing , and although she still yearned to have her hands and mouth on him , Glory found that she was really enjoying talking to him , too . He was so funny and so engaging , their time together seemed to fly by . He brought out the meal when he didn 't see any indication that they were ready to move things to the bedroom : baked chicken with potatoes and salad . Lucas had been to Christopher 's Haven the week before and he told her all about the kids that he had met there this time . It was a home near the Massachusetts General Hospital for kids battling cancer . He made a point to go there at least a couple of times a year and he always came away so inspired by the courageous battles these kids fought . Glory had been to a weekend art retreat since they 'd seen each other and she had gotten some fresh ideas and was utilizing what she 'd learned in her painting . She couldn 't wait to show him her latest pieces . But over dinner , they discussed the use of different brush techniques to convey different emotions and even movement on a canvas . They talked about the Group of Seven and how some of the techniques they 'd used had been taught at this workshop and how Glory was incorporating them into her work . " I can 't wait to see the paintings , " Lucas said . " and the new techniques . I 've got to make time for some classes or workshops . I feel like I need some extra schooling in this . " " Movie - boy … I 'm not sure that I like that , " he said . " Maybe movie - man … ? " He had gotten up , too and now he took her hand to lead her towards the bedroom . The dishes would definitely have to wait . " Well , you 'll have to earn it … " She let her voice trail off as she pulled him in for a kiss and started pulling at her clothes to get them off . She had definitely had enough anticipation ! Lucas was quiet for a long time . He had just wanted to see her ; to hold her in his arms , make love to her , kiss her , hear her laugh at his jokes ; but he didn 't know if she was ready to hear that yet . But , try as he might , he couldn 't think of a good story to tell her this time . She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him . " But that 's not the way this works , is it ? I thought I was a nice diversion when you had to be in town , not the reason you came to town , " she said , holding his eye . Lucas sighed . " Those locations did have to be scouted , but I didn 't have to do it personally , and I could have flown through New York to Berlin with no layover … " He let his voice trail off hoping he had not screwed things up here completely . Lucas laughed , quietly . " Well , that 's a real compliment to my virility , babe , but no , I don 't have a girl in every port . There 's just you . " he said , pulling her in a little closer . Glory needed a minute to take this in . The relationship she 'd thought she had with him wasn 't what it seemed at all . His only girl … despite her doubts , this thought made her feel warm inside . Lucas laughed . " So , you 're okay to take this further ? I know we talked about it a little bit last time and you 're right that living this far apart makes things difficult , but are you willing to try ? " he asked , hopefully . Lucas sighed , then shook his head . He pushed her up so that he could see her face . " I … " he shook his head again , hoping he wasn 't jumping the gun here . " I love you , Glory . I have for a while now . You can call our relationship what you want , but to me , you 're my girlfriend , my only girlfriend . " She looked at him with disbelief ! Lucas Wolfe loved her ! What was she supposed to do with that ? But she didn 't look away . She could see the longing in his eyes ; a longing to hear her say those words to him . Did she love him ? She ran her finger down his cheek and then down over his beard . She moved it to his moustache and then pressed her lips to his in a sweet kiss that went on for a long time . " I know … my mom tells me that all the time , " he said , stroking her cheek with his finger . " You don 't have to say it if you don 't feel it . I can wait . Don 't leave , though . I don 't think I could handle that . " She sniffed and realized that she was crying … why , she didn 't know . Lucas reached up and grabbed her a tissue from the bedside table to blow her nose . " I 'm not going anywhere . Of course I love you ! I didn 't think we were going there . At least not yet . " There was a smile on Lucas ' face that wouldn 't go away . She loved him ! If he ever needed a good reason to live in the present moment , he was holding it in his arms , and right at that moment , he was the happiest he could ever remember being . " Mom 's having everyone over on Monday , which is the actual day … when are you flying out ? Would you be able to stay ? " Glory asked . " Now that you 're my boyfriend , " Glory paused to savour the sound of that word , " it should be fine . If mom doesn 't like it , that 's too bad . Hopefully , she 'll wait until you 're gone before she lectures me . " " No , we can go out . There 's lots of nice places to go … from the CN Tower to some of the more exclusive steak houses in Toronto ; there are a few place out in the suburbs , too , that are really good . Do you like Greek food ? I know a few really nice places in Greektown , " Glory said , offering some suggestions . " I 've never been up the CN Tower , so why don 't I see if I can get reservations there for tomorrow night ? " Lucas asked . " We can go and see the tower and be tourists and then go up for dinner . " Glory smiled . They HAD been keeping things casual , hadn 't they ? " I 'm thirty on Monday , so a bit of a big deal , " she said . " To come to your birthday party and meet all of your friends and family in one place ? Didn 't I do that to you last time you were here ? " Glory said with a little laugh . " As a matter of fact , you did . The difference will be that everyone there already knows about you and I 'll be introducing you as my girlfriend . Might be a little easier … " he said . " Touché , " Glory said , quietly . " Sorry about that . I hadn 't ever expected to have to introduce you to everyone like that . I 'm just glad it went so well . You did make a good impression on my mom , though … she keeps asking when you 'll be coming back for another visit . " Lucas felt Glory stiffen at the mention of Kelsey . " We don 't have to talk about the baby thing , yet , do we ? " Glory asked . " We definitely do not have to talk about the baby thing yet . You know how I feel and I know how you feel . It 'll be years before it 'll really be an issue and who knows where we 'll be by then , " he said , and he felt her relax again against him . " I did , didn 't I ? I couldn 't believe that you actually came up to play cards . I know I probably shouldn 't have kissed you or sent you to sleep in my bed , but I was drunk and thought I 'd push my luck , and I 'm glad I did ! " Lucas said . " Just the way you stood next to me watching your sister and your cousin going all fangirl on Greg without losing your cool with me … it was nice . It made me think you were a little different . " " You don 't know how hard that was , " Glory said . " When I realized who you were … that 's why I couldn 't look at you . I vowed that I wasn 't going to embarrass myself in front of you . I figured that too many women have gone all gaga on you and you didn 't need another one doing it when all you wanted was a couple of slices to end your night . " " Oh , don 't lie . You love it . You 're just waiting for that Sexiest Man Alive title to come your way . I don 't know why it hasn 't yet . You should have gotten it after ' Return of the Soldier ' , with that amazing shirtless scene . What did your costar call it ? Rippling deliciousness ? " Lucas laughed until he had tears in his eyes . " Oh , she is a pip ! She wanted to see me blush in public , and it worked ! She still teases me about that , " he said , when he could finally talk again . Glory was laughing , too ; his laugh was so infectious ! They lay quietly for a few minutes , and it was Glory who broke the silence . " I love you , Lucas , " she said , softly . Lucas smiled and pulled her in closer . " I love you , too , babe . It 's early ; I 'd love to spend the evening here in bed with you , but if you want to get up … " " You don 't know how good it feels to hear you say that , " he said , closing his eyes . He shouldn 't be tired , but he found himself drifting on the edge of sleep . Suddenly , he felt Glory tense up and shake for a second . " Sorry , I thought you were asleep , " Glory said . " That was a fangirl moment … just a thrill going through me . You may have to pinch me . " Lucas pinched her lightly on the arm and she giggled . Then he pinched her side and she squirmed to get away from his pinching fingers . He continued to pinch and tickle her while she screamed and squirmed to get away . But when he grabbed both of her hands to keep her from pushing him away , she tensed and the look of fear on her face stopped Lucas in his tracks . He dropped her hands , saying , " Are you okay ? " Glory shrugged . " It 's okay . I dealt with it , but now that you 're my boyfriend … " She paused again to savour the idea . " Until it gets old , I guess . Right now , it 's such a novelty , " Lucas laughed , quietly , and pulled her back in beside him . She snuggled in a little closer and settled to sleep . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceMay 3 , 20173 , 499 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 7 - " That was fun ! " Lucas said to Glory on their way back to her place . He was driving ; he had noticed early in the evening that Glory was enjoying her wine , so he stopped drinking so that he could get them home . " It definitely went much better than I thought it would . " Glory said . " Mom was in good form tonight . She 's usually really hard on Jeff and whomever I 'm dating . Holly said Jeff was working , but he was probably avoiding mom . " " It has everything to do with my dad leaving . Mom has real trust issues around men . She doesn 't even date anymore . " Glory shrugged . Her mom had always been tight - lipped about her dad 's leaving … Glory had woken up one day and he was just gone . Glory smiled at him . " Maybe … or maybe your celebrity status made her a little shy of giving you a hard time . " she said . She was turned sideways in her seat so she could watch him drive . " Well , she didn 't actually ask where I was staying , just where I stayed when I was in Toronto , so I wasn 't lying . I do usually stay at the Crowne Plaza , as you know . " Lucas said . Lucas shrugged . " I love kids . They 're so honest and present . And they love nothing more than having a grown - up to play with … and I love to play ! I 'm just a big kid at heart . " " I guess I 'm not the nurturing type . I like kids , but I 'm not longing for a family of my own . That might change in time , but right now , I 'm happy to do my own thing without those kinds of responsibilities . " Glory said . " I see Diana and Mitch and how they are now that they have Kelsey … I 'm not ready for that . " It was Lucas ' turn to be silent for a moment . Then he shrugged . He still had no idea how serious this was going to get , so there was no point sweating this now . Even if they did end up together , they were years away from kids . Who knew what might happen in that time ? " Thank you so much for today . Not just the signing and helping out at the art show , but being there for me at dinner . " Glory said , taking a sip of her beer . " That 's how I lure young girls in . " Lucas said , in a teasing voice . " I 'm sweet and nice and then I take you to bed and you see my true nature . " Glory screamed with laughter and tried to push him away long enough to put her beer down . " Stop ! Stop ! I 'm going to spill my beer ! " she pleaded . Lucas plucked her beer neatly from her hands and put it down next to his . " So tell , me … what were you giggling about ? " He had both of her hands held tight in one of his , leaving his other hand free to tickle her if he didn 't like her answer . Glory felt herself start to panic as she always did when she was trapped . She stiffened , but held his eyes to keep the panic at bay . " Your true nature , eh ? What is your true nature , movie - boy ? " she said with more bravado than she felt . Glory giggled again . " Yes , I do … that 's why I giggled . " and tried to pull away before he could start tickling her again , but to no avail . He pinned her to the couch underneath him , still tickling her and kissing and licking her face . " Wow ! It 's been a long time since I 've made out on a couch . " Lucas said . " Should I go grab a condom , or move this to the bedroom ? " " Just shutting down for the night . " he said , pulling his sweater off over his head and undoing his belt before slipping out of his pants . " Are you keeping my side warm for me ? I hate getting in to a cold bed . " " Well , my side is warm . " she said , suggestively . Lucas came around to her side and slid in beside her , running his cold hands up her side to her breasts and kissing her deeply . She rolled over so that she was on top of him . Glory sat up and reached over to the side table for a condom . She sat so that she could unrolled the condom slowly over him . Lucas watched this performance intently , trying to keep himself from throwing her over onto her back and fucking her . He loved the play , the tease , but sometimes it got to be too much . Once she had him well protected , she lifted herself to slide down his length and took him deep inside of her with a moan . She leaned forward with her hands on his shoulders so that she could slowly move him in and out of her . She kissed him deeply and he held her ass with both of his hands , helping to raise her all of the way off of him before letting her plunge back down . " My goddess . " he said , replacing her hands with his on her breasts . " Come for me . " he whispered and let one hand drop down between her legs . Glory had been so close that his touch brought her orgasm slamming down on her . She pulled her legs in tight trying to contain the pleasure as she spasmed around him . He gritted his teeth as he let her feel the full extent of her orgasm before flipping her over onto her back and thrusting into her hard for his own climax . They lay like that for a few minutes , helplessly lost in the pleasure . Lucas rolled off , holding his condom , and reached for tissues , then pulled her in close beside him , smoothing her hair away from his face … and he felt it again . That tenderness and caring ; that stillness and peace that he associated with love . But even after all that they 'd done this weekend so far , he wasn 't ready to speak of this feeling to her yet . He still didn 't think she was ready to hear it , or was feeling it herself yet … maybe she never would . He fell in love too easily ; he knew that about himself . But that was him and he wasn 't about to change . He had spoken the words too soon on a few occasions to his great detriment , so he was very careful about that now . Until he saw some indication that she felt the same way about him , he 'd keep his council . Sunday was a quiet day . They woke late and kept each other in bed for an extra hour making love and talking . After a quick shower , Glory took Lucas through her yoga practise , offering some options that might work better for him than what she did . She had been doing yoga for a long time so she didn 't expect him to be able to do some of the more difficult poses , but he did surprise her . His core strength was up to most of what she did , even if he 'd have to work on his flexibility . They lay for a long time in Savasana . When Glory sat up , Lucas was still enjoying the peaceful quiet . He heard her soft voice say , " Stay there as long as you need to , babe . " When Glory was finished , she quietly got up and moved into the bedroom . She had some stuff to get organized for the work week and some emails to respond to . When she poked her head back out into the living room , she saw that Lucas was sitting cross - legged on his mat , so she sat back down on hers to finish their yoga session . " That which is divine in me sees and honours that which is divine in you . It 's a word spoken between two peoples ' souls . " Glory said . Lucas nodded and got to his feet , offering Glory a hand up , which she took . After cleaning and rolling the matts away , Glory fixed them bacon and eggs for breakfast . " Not exactly Ayurvedic , but I never claimed to be a yogini . " " Yeah , for a while … but I love meat . I try to buy from organic , sustainable , humane sources and I try to eat vegetarian once in a while , but not all the time . " he said , putting a forkful of eggs into his mouth . " I try for one veggie meal a week … or more . It 's easier to cook veggie for one person than to cook meat , but I still like my meat . " Glory said . " I did start painting at home . It 's really meditative for me . I never realized how peaceful it would be , being creative like that . " he said , finishing his coffee . " Everyone , as in who ? And what 's there to tell ? " Glory was very surprised that he would show this much interest in her when they weren 't together . " Just a couple of my close friends and my family . Well , Greg and Shana already knew , but I told my mom , and my other sister , Becky . Does that bother you ? I was really surprised to hear that you hadn 't told anyone about us . " he countered . " Again , I 'm still not sure what to tell them . And I 'm not sure I 'm even ready to define this as anything yet . We get together when you come to Toronto … that 's it , isn 't it ? " she asked . " Yeah , that 's all it is for right now . I do really like you , though . Can I hope for something more someday ? " he asked , focusing his eyes on his canvas . Glory stood next to him taking in all of the nuances of his painting . It was abstract , but she could sense the stillness of the water reflecting the intrusion of a new day . The fire radiated from the surface of the water out to the corners of the canvas . He had a very good eye and expressed himself well with paints . Lucas stepped over to see what Glory had painted . It was him . The blue of his eyes , the reddish tinge in his beard , the black marker he used to sign autographs . " I wanted to capture the essence of what a fan feels when they come to you for an autograph ; there 's such anticipation and joy , but fear , too , which you seem to ease with your smile and your twinkling eyes . " She pointed to different areas of the canvas as she spoke . " I watched you yesterday . You almost have it down to an art . You take control of the situation and put everyone at their ease . It 's a joy to watch you work . " Glory was looking up at him as she spoke . She had to admit that she was still a little bit in awe of this beautiful man . Lucas felt a blush start to burn up his neck . " That 's not really watching me work . Someday , I 'll bring you on - set for one of my movies and you can watch me do my real job . " he said . " This is part of being a celebrity , not part of being an actor . " " Well , maybe a little . " Lucas said with a little laugh . He came around behind her and put his arms around her to get a better view of her painting . " You 've never asked me for an autograph . " he said , trying to sound blasé . She took both of his paint - stained hands and placed them on her breasts . " I can think of better uses for these hands than signing silly pictures . " she said in a husky voice . Once they had finished cleaning up , though , the moment had passed and Glory suggested a walk by the ravine near her apartment . " It was still pretty dry down by the creek earlier this week , but if it 's wet , there 's a high trail we can take . " she said . " I 'm feeling the urge to be outdoors now that spring is finally here . " " Let 's do it . " Lucas said . He had brought a pair of rougher boots along with his sneakers . They were a fashion choice , but they were leather and a better choice for a walk by the ravine than his Converse . Glory shrugged . " There 's always hope , babe . I really like you , too , but there is the matter of us living almost 4 , 000 kilometers away from each other . " she said . " Makes having a relationship pretty challenging . " " Even that 's almost a thousand kilometers away . " she said . " Let 's face it , if we were going to have something more than this , one of us would have to relocate … and I can 't see it being you . " " Me , too . " Lucas said , with a little chuckle . " So I guess that leaves us right where we are . Maybe you could come and visit me in Boston when I 'm there … if you want to . " " I 've never been to Boston . That might be a fun way to spend a weekend this summer . " Glory said , mulling the idea over in her mind . " Yeah , let 's plan on that . " she said . " Okay ! Well , that 's a start . " Lucas said , not able to keep his pleasure off of his face . He put his arm over her shoulders and they kept walking . " There 's nothing stopping us from painting some more when we get back . I have good lighting in that area , so even when the sun goes down … " Glory said . " There 's nights when I come home from work and look up to see it 's midnight and I haven 't even eaten dinner yet ! " And so , when they got back to the apartment , Lucas set himself up to paint again while Glory made them some chili for supper . She had poured everything out on canvas that she needed to and now felt light and empty and not in need of the therapy that a canvas and brush offered her . She found that when she tried to paint when she was like this , nothing happened . She watched Lucas from the kitchen , dashing off a few lines on his canvas with charcoal before starting to mix colours on his palette . His brush strokes were sometimes bold and sure , and other times tentative and halting . He asked Glory to help him get a particular shade that he was looking for right once , but spent the rest of the time in his own little creative world . " Chili 's ready , isn 't it ? " Lucas asked . " I can smell it . " He didn 't stop what he was doing or look at her . " Give me … 10 more minutes . I just want to finish this … thing . " He pointed his paintbrush at the area of the canvas he was working on . Then he turned towards her and gave her a quick kiss before turning back and placing his brush on the canvas . Lucas nodded and sat down at the table . There was chili and bread and sour cream and cheese . The chili wasn 't very spicy hot , but it was wonderfully flavourful . When Lucas commented on the lack of heat , Glory said , " I don 't really like hot stuff . It burns your taste buds out so that eventually you can 't taste the more subtle spices . " " I can see the stream and the early vegetation there . " she said , pointing to the pale green that is only seen in the early spring . " What 's this , flickering through the trees up here ? " she asked . Lucas watched her beautiful ass as she walked away from him and smiled . How could she do that ? Turn him on with a look and a smile like that ? Lucas leaned against the doorframe to take in the tableau before him . On the bedside table was a bowl of berries and a bowl of whipped cream . This was a game he hadn 't played in a very long time . " Very good . Maybe when you 're in Boston , I 'll show you just how good . " He pushed off from the doorframe and came over to her side of the bed , running two fingers through the top of the whipped cream , and kneeling beside the bed , offered them to her to lick off . He fully expected the jolt of pleasure to his groin , but he still gasped when he felt her tongue start to lick the sweet cream from his fingers . When she was done , she gave him an innocent smile and he shook his head . He ran a finger through the whipped cream again , this time depositing it on one of her nipples . She hadn 't been expecting that and squeaked in surprise as the coldness made her areola pucker . But it wasn 't cold for long as Lucas dipped his head to take her nipple into his mouth , lingering there long after the taste of whipped cream was gone . Lucas chuckled , which sounded like thunder rumbling through his chest . " I don 't know about better … that was pretty good … but it is nice with the berries . But it has to be the real deal , though , not some domestic bubbly . " Glory smiled . Every once in a while , she still found herself thrilling to the fact that this was Lucas Wolfe and he thought she was pretty impressive ! She had just made love to Lucas Wolfe and made him chili and taught him how to do yoga . She was a part of his life … his Toronto girl . It gave her a warm glow . Most of the time , it was easy to see him as just a guy , but every once in a while … The next day was Monday , and she had to work . Lucas had lined up several locations that he needed to take a look at and he had an appointment at city hall to talk about the perks being offered film companies for filming in Toronto and area . Glory already had their dinner planned and would set up the crockpot in the morning so that they 'd just have to come home and eat . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceApril 26 , 20174 , 622 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 6 - Art Show Glory was up early the next morning , but she didn 't get up . She was nervous and anxious and what she needed was the slow , sensual lovemaking that Lucas was so good at . When they were done and he had her cradled in his arms , she felt like she owned the world ! Glory had an image that she liked to project of herself when she was ' playing ' the artist at her shows . She put on a pair of tights and a filmy , multi - layered top in shades of aqua and green and she finished the outfit with a long vest . The colours and the flow of the fabric made her feel connected and grounded and in the perfect frame of mind to talk to people about her art . " It 's got a nice flow to it ; let 's me feel free to express myself more easily . " Glory said , stroking his beard and kissing him sweetly before turning away to put on some make - up . She never wore much make - up and she didn 't make exceptions for art shows . With Lucas coming to the art show , Glory was even more anxious than usual before a show . She sat down cross - legged on the floor to try to still her mind for a few minutes . She opened her eyes to see that Lucas was doing the same thing . " Do you have any mantras that you use to meditate to ? I usually let the energy flow through the chakras until it 's flowing unimpeded . " Glory said . She wasn 't sure if he did yoga or not , but she had read somewhere that he did meditate . So Glory talked about the chakras as they sat together ; the position of each , what systems in the body they affected , and what they felt like when they were open . Lucas found her voice mesmerizing as she spoke and was focusing more on the sound than on her words . They sat quietly after she stopped talking for some time settling their minds and getting to a point of ease with the tasks ahead . " No , no yoga . " Lucas said . " I 've always wanted to try it , but never have . So , yes , I 'd love to do it with you . " Desirée met them at the yacht club and they went around and met the rest of the artists . Marion had her booth set up next to Glory 's and came over to meet Lucas and chat with Glory about her set up . Glory ended up moving a couple of paintings at Marion 's suggestion and Lucas had to admit that the changes were for the better . Finally , Miguel , who was a photographer , sent Glory in to stand near Lucas for a few shots . They sat together talking for a couple of shots , then Lucas stood up behind Glory with his hands on her shoulders and leaned in as if to listen to something she said . After that , Lucas pulled Glory out from behind the table and put his arms around her as though they were dancing . He held her mesmerized with his piercing blue gaze . When Miguel stopped shooting , Lucas gave Glory a quick squeeze before going to see what the pictures looked like . " You 're a natural in front of the camera , " Miguel said . " and so is Glory . You guys made it easy . I just had to point and shoot ! " " Well , I 've had lots of practise . " Lucas said , flipping through the pictures again . " Can I get you to blow this one up for me and mount it ? " he asked , showing Miguel one of the dancing pictures . " Let 's talk afterwards . " Lucas said . He could see the look of concern on Glory 's face around having her picture up on display in Miguel 's collection . " Like I said , lots of practise . It gets easy after a while . It was fun to call the shots , though . I don 't get to do that very often . That dancing picture will look great up in my house in LA . " Lucas said . " You know , if you 're not comfortable with Miguel adding it to his collection , maybe he could blur the faces . That would definitely give it more of an artistic feel . " Glory thought about that for a moment . " We 'll talk to him after the show and see what his intentions are around that one . Looks like the doors are about to open . Are you ready ? " Glory said . Lucas held up a handful of Sharpies and smiled . Holly came over then and hugged Glory and shook Lucas ' hand . " Mom 's on a bit of a warpath about you not bringing Lucas to dinner last night . " Holly said . And that was the last they were able to talk as the doors opened and crowds of people made a bee - line to see Lucas . Desirée had been very canny in how she had set things up , though . As people were waiting to meet Lucas , there were booths all the way around that they could go into . Glory watched Lucas as he greeted people , laughing and chatting comfortably with everyone . He put his focus on each person , making them feel special for that moment in time that they had with him . He was a joy to watch work . " Hi , mom ; Aunt Claire . " Holly said . " This is Lucas Wolfe . You remember us talking about meeting him before Christmas . " Lucas gave a little wave as he was still talking to a couple of other people . " Hi Claire … " He shook Glory 's aunt 's hand and then realized that he didn 't know her mom 's name ! " and Mrs . Campbell . " He extended his hand to shake Glory 's mom 's hand . " So formal ! " she said , with a smile . " You can call me Beth . " She shook his hand firmly . " These prints turned out really well ! " Beth had picked up one of the prints from the table and held it up to compare it with the original . " They did . " Glory said , coming up behind her mom and giving her a hug . " Marion 's printer is pretty well respected , and I can see why . " It took a minute to clear everyone from in front of the table , but they managed to get several great shots of all 4 of them with Lucas . In all of them , Glory was next to Lucas and Miguel could see a very nice bond there . The little touches , fond looks , and caring attitude came through in all of the pictures . " I 'll send these to you , Glory . You can let me know if you want any of them blown up or fixed up , okay ? " Miguel said before heading back to his booth . Lucas looked over at Glory , but she was busy with another customer . He could see that several of her smaller paintings were gone from the scaffolding and he smiled . A good day all around ! Then another group of people came for autographs and he lost himself in the job of signing and promoting Glory 's work . A glass of white wine appeared next to him and he looked up to see Glory standing there with her own glass . " You looked like you could use it . " she said , and held her glass out to him to toast . Lucas took a sip and closed his eyes to savour the taste . It wasn 't the best wine , but it wasn 't bad either … like he was any kind of wine connoisseur ! It was wet and had alcohol in it … that 's all that mattered to him at that moment . Lucas smiled at her and stretched out his hand . " I signed a lot of prints . How did we do , Holly ? " he asked , looking over at Holly , who was counting money . " Well , we had 200 prints and it looks like we 've only got about 50 left . And Glory , you sold 5 paintings ! That 's great ! " Holly said . " And I 've got a buyer interested in that one . " Glory said , pointing to one of her bigger pieces . " He didn 't want to take it with him today , but I 've got his number , so I 'll connect with him next week . " Lucas smiled up at her . What he wanted to do is to take her in his arms and kiss her , but he could see her mom and aunt still talking to Desirée , so he restrained himself . But he did stand up and give her a hug . " Thank you so much for doing this , Lucas . You probably drew a lot of people in that wouldn 't have otherwise come . " Glory said , not letting him go . " Glad I could help . " he said , pulling away and looking her in the eye . Holly had moved off to let Desirée know how much they had raised with the prints . Beth came up then and claimed Glory for a hug . " Congratulations , darling ! You did so well ! " Beth looked up to see that the Matt Hunter painting was still there . " You didn 't sell this one ? I thought I heard someone asking about it . " " That one 's mine . " Lucas said , quickly . " I don 't have a spot for it , yet , so I 'm leaving it with Glory until I do . " After a few minutes , Lucas excused himself to go over and talk to Miguel about their pictures . Miguel had loaded the photos onto his computer so that they could look at them in detail . They chatted about a few of them and Lucas settled with him on the shot he wanted , then he waved Glory over . " How 's that look ? " Miguel asked Glory . " If you think we need to blur it as well , I can do that , but all you can see now is the edge of your jawline . " " What do you think , Miguel ? " Glory asked . " I don 't want to screw up your shot … I 'm just not sure I want my face up at all of your exhibits . " " I like it with the shadow . " Miguel said . " Lucas ' face is well known , but to have his dance partner be a mystery works well for me . " " Of course . " Miguel said . " Here , let me revert to the original shot . " He clicked a few buttons in Photoshop to bring back the original picture and Glory gasped when it came up . It wasn 't only Lucas ' look that was breathtaking , but hers as well ! " I already did . " Lucas said and put his finger across her mouth when she started to protest again . " Don 't argue with Captain Hunter , remember ? " She smiled and kissed his finger before he pulled it away . " Let 's go and get everything packed up . Diana just got here , so we 'll be going for dinner soon . " Glory said . It didn 't take them long to pack up . Diana came over with Kelsey , who she gladly relinquished to Lucas when he reached for her . He seemed very comfortable holding a baby and Kelsey seemed to like him , too . She was a pretty good baby , but she did tend to get fussy when she was passed to strangers , but not Lucas ! " I 'm still a kid myself . " Lucas said in explanation . " Babies seem to sense that about me , I guess . " He turned back to Kelsey and started making faces at her . " Let 's see how things go . " Glory said . " I may need to keep my wits about me , but thank you . That 's really sweet of you . " " No problem , babe . " he said , settling back for the ride . " It 's the least I could do . Today was a lot of fun . " Glory smiled . It had been a wonderful day . That seemed to be how all of her days with Lucas went . " Always , when you 're around . " she said , quietly . " That would be nice . " She was at a red light , so she looked over at him and he leaned over to give her a quick kiss . The restaurant parking lot was just past the light , so Glory pulled in next to her mom 's car and squeezed Lucas ' hand saying , " Here goes nothing … " " We are , indeed , my dear . " Glory answered , stretching up to give him a quick kiss on the lips . She remembered too late what Lucas had said about always being recognized in airports and pulled back . " Come on . " he said for her ears only . " Let 's get out of here so I can kiss you properly . " He put his hand on the small of her back and guided her towards the doors . Lucas laughed . " You should still check the seats for scorch marks . " he said , jokingly . He gathered her into his arms , rhythmically stroking her back . " I was very surprised to hear that you hadn 't told anyone about me , about our sexual relationship , about our friendship , even . Most girls can 't wait to tell everyone they know that they 've slept with me . " Lucas said , quietly . Glory shrugged . " It 's pretty cliché to say , but I 'm not like most girls . It felt nice to have this thing with you that I didn 't have to share with anyone else . That was at first , anyway . But then , as time went on , it became harder and harder to tell people … " she said , letting her voice trail off . " And have we kept in touch since November ? What did you tell your family ? " Lucas asked . If he was playing a role on Saturday , he wanted all the pieces of the character . " I said we 'd been in touch a few times … the odd text , a couple of phone calls … but that was it until this weekend . " Glory said . " I 'm sorry … I shouldn 't ask you to lie . I should come clean with everyone and have done with it . " " Don 't worry about it . I just want to make sure I don 't put my foot in it on Saturday . " Lucas said , still stroking her back . " I 'd call it dating … nothing serious yet , but definitely two people who are interested in each other . " Lucas offered . Glory was quiet for a long time , thinking about how best to deal with her family . So they went and pulled together dinner . They lingered a long time over the wine , laughing and chatting about everything from painting to art to music to current affairs . Afterwards , they cuddled on the couch watching some mindless TV and still talking until Glory started to yawn . " I 'm sorry , babe . " Lucas said , shaking his head . " I wasn 't thinking … I 'm still on west coast time , but you must be beat ! " Glory had taken the next day off work so that she could prepare for the show . She had the prints to pick up and they could go in and set up her booth that afternoon . Desirée had almost lost her mind when Glory told her about Lucas and his idea to raise funds for their chosen charity . " And you never told me ? How long have you known him ? " She and Desirée were pretty close for co - workers … Glory should have told her back in November . " We met in November … remember that girl 's night out I did with my cousin … her first night out after the baby ? " Desirée nodded . " That weekend . " " No , nothing like that . " Glory lied . " Just friends , but I think he 's interested . It 's tough with him in LA and me here . " " True . Well , that will be so cool ! Did you get the prints ordered yet ? We can put a table in front of your booth , maybe . We can look at the logistics on Friday when you come to set up . " Desirée said , making changes to her floor plan in her head as she spoke . After that , Glory had spoken to Marion , her mentor . Marion had recommended her printer and Glory was able to get the prints ordered . She would have to bring the original painting in that night , Tuesday , but he seemed confident that he could have them done by Friday afternoon . Lucas came out an hour and a half later looking for her . He was wearing just his boxers . He stood behind her at the computer , watching her as she worked . " This is what a commercial artist does ? " he asked . Shower sex was always fun with Lucas ! His strength made almost any position they tried easy ! And holding his body against hers under the streaming water afterwards was a perfect way to start a day , Glory thought , breathing deeply of the steamy air and trying to catch her breath . " Well , we have to load up my car with the paintings that I 'm going to display and then make a stop at the printers to pick up the prints . By then , we should be able to get into the yacht club to start setting up . " she said , counting off on her fingers . " The prints should be ready by noon , so we can go there anytime , and Desirée said she 'd be at the yacht club setting up all afternoon . " Glory laughed . " That takes care of your part of it , anyway ! I 've got a cash box and I picked up some change for a float from the bank . I 've done up some posters on my computer … I 'm going to load them onto a stick and see if the printer can print them on 12 by 18 stock for me . " She was still going over what she needed in her mind . " I never realized how much would go into an art show . " Lucas said . " You let me know what you need me to do to help out . " He raised an eyebrow at her until she nodded , then he finished his coffee and said , " Are your paintings ready to go out to the car now ? I could start taking them down . " Glory took him over to the stack of paintings she had leaning against the wall . She had already wrapped them each in burlap to protect them on the drive down , so Lucas started taking them down to her car as she cleaned up the kitchen . She pulled out the cash box which had the name plates and pricing for each of the paintings in it and went to change . The space that had been set up for them was bigger than Glory had expected , but she used the scaffolding to hang the paintings up , and she had invested in a few spot lights to highlight her best pieces . The main one being highlighted the next day would be her Matt Hunter piece . In the end , she did have a few paintings that she didn 't put up and kept in reserve . If she sold something that was up , she would have another one to take its place . " Yeah . He said that was a fun night . He usually doesn 't get recognized , especially when he 's with me , so he 'll remember you guys for a while . " Lucas said with a little chuckle . " Wow ! " Holly said . " Well , tell him we had fun , too . " Then she excused herself to go and see if Desirée needed any help with anything . " For now , anyway . " she said , looking up at him . Suddenly , all she wanted to do was feel those wonderfully soft lips on hers . She reached up and caressed his beard , which surprised him . She was thinking and thinking hard . She didn 't like hiding , especially with her sister . If she took flack for this relationship , then she 'd rather take it now than later . " No , better just me . " Glory said and gave him a little push towards the door . She could see that Desirée was waiting for him by the truck with a couple more cases of wine . " Okay , so we 're more than just friends . I went back to the hotel that night and we played cards , then we slept together , then we made love . I stayed the weekend , and it was wonderful . We 've kept in touch and he had a stop over here in January and we spent the night together . And he is staying at my place this weekend . " Glory spoke quickly before she lost her nerve . " No … maybe … I don 't think so . I think I 'm just his Toronto girl . We haven 't talked about being exclusive or anything like that , so I 'm not deluding myself that I 'm his only girl . " Glory said , stumbling over her words a little bit . " What kind of relationship can you hope to have with a guy like that ? Long distance to be sure . His Toronto girl ? Come on Glor … you 're better than that . " Holly said , pleadingly . Glory thought about that for a minute . " I am . And when I 'm ready to have another serious relationship , I 'm sure whatever this is won 't be enough . But after Brad , I 'm ready to take a break and be really casual for a while . " she said , flicking on the spots to make sure that they all worked and starting to place them on the scaffolding , carefully aiming them . Glory smiled and followed Holly 's eye out the window . " He 's sweet and fun to be with , too . " she said with a tender look out the window . Holly turned back to Glory and gave her a hug . " Just be careful , eh ? Don 't let him stomp on your heart or anything . And be safe . " Glory smiled at her little sister . Why was it that she so often felt like the younger one in their relationship ? " I 'm always careful and safe is my middle name . Don 't worry about me . " She pulled Holly in for another hug . It was such a relief to have one person in the world to be able to talk to about Lucas ! " I begged off because Lucas is here . I 'm not sure I 'm ready for dinner with the family , yet . " Glory said , handing Holly another light and pointing at a picture to aim it at . " Right now , you 're the only one who knows the extent of this , and I 'd like to keep it that way for now . I don 't really want to have to deal with the world knowing … at least until there 's something to know . " " So you 're going to sign these prints of Glory 's picture of you ? I love that picture . It captures the complexity of the character . " Holly said . Glory poked her head around the scaffolding . " Here , put this sign up . " she said to Lucas , handing him the poster for over his table . Holly held one end of the poster up while Lucas secured the other end . " Mom 's not going to be happy that you 're not coming for dinner tonight , you know ? " Holly said , joining her sister to survey the booth . Glory looked at her and shrugged . " She 's always so negative about all of the guys I date . I 'm just not ready to take her flack over Lucas until I 'm sure there 's something to take flack over . " Glory was speaking quietly so that Lucas couldn 't hear her . Lucas came around the table to join the girls and check out their booth . " Na … everything is usually all set up for me when I do signings . " He closed his eyes as he thought about how elitist that sounded . " It 's kinda fun to help with the set up . There 's lots of wine for tomorrow . Does this turn into a drunk later ? " he asked Glory with a little smile . " Do I have to ? " Lucas asked , jokingly . He had one arm around her back and he pulled her in close to him . He was glad that at least Holly knew that they were intimate . Being platonic with her was proving to be a little difficult . Once her booth was set up , Desirée seemed to have everything under control , so Glory and Lucas took their leave , waving to Holly in the parking lot . " See you tomorrow ! " Holly said , and Glory nodded as she got into the car . " Grubby Chinese sounds perfect . " Lucas said . Glory leaned over to give him a quick kiss before putting the car in gear and heading out of the parking lot . By bluemaplein Dragons in the Dark , RomanceApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 20173 , 449 WordsLeave a comment Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 4 - Long Distance Nightmare 1 AM . That was the time on his phone as he picked it up to see who the hell was calling him in the middle of the night . When he saw Glory 's name , though , he answered immediately . " Do you have the lights on ? " he asked . He knew this is the first thing his sister did when one of her kids had a nightmare . Everything is scarier in the dark . Lucas sighed . What could he do for her from here ? If he was there , he 'd hold her and comfort her , but he wasn 't there . He shook his head in frustration . Finally , her voice came through the phone , small and scared . " I 'm in bed and it 's late . I 'm almost asleep when I hear the dragon come in the room . " she said , quietly . Glory paused for a moment . " No … it 's a camp cot . It must be at my cousin , Diana 's . Her and Holly would share her bed and they 'd set up a camp cot for me . " she said , sounding a little surprised at this revelation . Continue reading " Dragons in the Dark - Chapter 4 - Long Distance Nightmare " → |
Saturday morning started out much like many others . I hadn 't slept well the night before , so I was moving slowly . I went over the 50 pound bag of chicken feed that sits in the corner of our pool room . I bent down to fill up a bowl for the chickens , like I do every morning … and that 's when it happened . I felt a " catch " in my back , in other words , a sharp pain , and I could hardly straighten back up . I don 't know exactly what happened , but it sure was painful ! I don 't like to give up easily , so I went ahead with my chicken chores . I fed the chickens and cleaned their coops . Once more , I felt that sharp stabbing pain in my back when I tried to bend over . I avoided all bending , after that ! Call me crazy , but , a few minutes later , I still decided to change out the towels that are protecting the swing [ from cats ] on the front porch . It was at that particular moment I also got stung by a wasp ! How was I to know a huge wasp nest was located on the back of the swing ? Wow , two painful episodes within an hour . I couldn 't decide which felt worse , my back or my ring finger . It quickly became obvious that Saturday , the 13th wasn 't going to be my day ! Our daughter - in - law had a cookout planned for Saturday evening , so I willed myself into the kitchen to make some rice krispie treats . I didn 't want to let my aches and pains get the best of me . By lunchtime , my back was good and sore , and I moved slowly and painfully the rest of the day . I took pain medication twice that day , so I was able to make it to the cookout . The Saturday afternoon cookout was to honor our oldest son , who finally finished up his degree . He graduated from high school in 2000 , and has been s - l - o - w - l - y working toward his college degree for many years . Nobody could convince him to take more than one class per semester , but just like the tortoise , he very slowly and very steadily completed his task . We couldn 't be prouder ! He graduated with honors , but the very best part is he graduated with no student debt , too . There aren 't many who can say that , these days ! The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful . I spent the majority of it alternating between laying down and sitting because of my sore back . I tried to do a little grocery shopping , on Sunday afternoon , but started having back spasms , and had to let Ed finish the job . I 'm blessed that he can take over my duties when I 'm not able to do them . Speaking of Ed , he had a checkup with his cardiologist , on Friday , and got a very good report . His doctor told him if all of his patients got along as well as Ed has , it would make his job a lot easier . Praise the Lord for Ed 's smooth recovery ! He 's approaching the 10 month anniversary of his heart attack . It has started raining , as I 'm writing this post , and I 'm glad ! Our grass has turned brown due to extreme temperatures and lack of rain . Perhaps a good shower will help to bring it back to life . It would also be nice not to have to water my plants for a day or so . Speaking of watering plants , there 's nothing like being " down in the back " to show a person they have too many things to take care of ! And speaking of being " down in the back " , I think I 'll go and rest mine for a while . I hope it helps ! As if this isn 't enough , he 's been shouldering all of the animal - related duties , as well . Yes , poor Ed has been dealing with the feeding and care of every single member of our ' special needs ' household - including me . Caring for an ailing wife and her pets is one thing , but , in our case , it borders on being downright ridiculous , as you will soon see . For instance , our dog , Morris , is an outside dog , and he 's old . He 's pretty much blind and deaf , and , therefore , marches to the beat of his own drum . He doesn 't come when called , because he can 't hear , and it 's not always easy to find him at mealtime because he lays low , these days . Making sure Morris gets fed can be quite a task . Next come the cats - all fourteen of them . Two of our cats are pretty old . Trouble , the oldest cat of the bunch doesn 't even live at our house , but lives at Ed 's parents ' vacant house . ( You could say we inherited her , along with the house . ) Ed has to drive about a quarter of a mile , each day , just to feed her . Trouble Charlie , our next oldest cat , is about 12 . Both Charlie and Trouble now require some canned food at both meals , in addition to a little dry food . Their teeth aren 't as good as they used to be . Cans are just more aggravation and expense to deal with , but we do what we can to keep our oldest felines satisfied . Drake , our male tabby , is the next oldest of our clan . I 'm not exactly sure how old Drake is , because I adopted him from the animal shelter , as an adult . My guess is he 's not far behind Charlie in age , but Drake is senile . He gets agitated and confused easily , and his equilibrium is off , as well . Bless him . Smut , Kyle , Big Red , and Fat Susan are more of our shelter rescue cats , and all are close in age . They 've just celebrated their 11th birthdays . All are still in relatively good health , with the exception of Fat Susan , who 's overweight , and Big Red who has a bad limp from an old leg injury . The problem with this bunch is we have to watch Fat Susan , carefully , because she 's a bully and a food hog ! Next we have Kitty Bee and Sarah Callie Girl , two calico cats , who were also rescued from the shelter . They 're around age 11 , as well . The problem with these cats is they didn 't bond with the others , for some reason , and have to be fed separately - far away from the rest of the bunch . More special needs kitties . Both stay in the woods most of the time - in two different places ! Kitty Bee ( left ) and Sarah Callie Girl Smut , Suzy , Bobs , Jo Jo , and Baby - who comprise the rest of our feline family - usually get along pretty well , and don 't seem to mind sharing a meal together , but then there 's MAC ( acronym for Mean Ass Cat ) . When MAC chooses to come and dine with the others , he always comes hissing and growling . We have to keep a close eye on MAC to make sure he doesn 't attack anyone - including us ! He 's very temperamental , and a bit paranoid . Last , but not least , we have our nine hens , ' the girls ' . ( Sadly , we lost one of our ' older girls ' , to a health issue , yesterday . ) I love ' my girls ' , but let me tell you , it 's a lot of work taking care of them properly . The coops have to be cleaned , the sand in the runs has to be scooped twice daily ( think humongous litter box ) , and the chickens have to be fed and watered twice daily . Oh , and eggs have to be gathered and washed each day , too ! Then , of course , there 's the occasional ' booty washing ' that must be done … and let 's not forget the chore of trying to keep our two free - ranging girls in their proper place ! Yes , poor Ed has his hands full , at the moment . The good news is things are slowly beginning to get better with my back . As my back improves , I 'm trying to help Ed out in any way I can . The bad news is , progress is coming slowly . I 'm thankful Ed is a patient man . He 's outside feeding animals and cleaning coops , in the rain , as I am writing this … Bless him . Tomorrow will make one week since Ed lost his job - and what a week it 's been ! As you can imagine , we 've experienced all kinds of emotions this week - shock , anger , disbelief , fear , sadness , and relief , all rolled into one week ! I 'm happy to say , as the week has worn on , relief has become the most prevalent emotion in our household . Seven years ago , Ed was happily working at another hospital . One day , EMH contacted him and asked if he might be interested in coming to work for their hospital . Although Ed was happy with his current job , the hospital where he was working was 55 miles from home , which meant a two - hour commute every day . EMH was located just 7 miles from us , and offered a higher salary . It wasn 't an easy decision for Ed to make , but , ultimately , he chose to take the job at EMH . It didn 't take long to figure out that he might have made a mistake . While the commute was much shorter , and the pay much better , the working conditions were much more stressful , and , over time , they just got worse . It was the worst working environment Ed has ever experienced , in his forty - three years of employment ! Some of the problems included poor hospital management , lots of back - biting and back stabbing among the staff , not to mention poor morale among ALL employees . Due to the government 's involvement in healthcare , times are tough for small rural hospitals , with most of them really struggling , these days . Not long after Ed took the job at EMH , it became apparent that this hospital was struggling , as well . Years ago , Ed had worked [ for twenty years ] at a hospital that ended up having to close its doors , so he knew all of the warning signs . The same scenario was beginning to play out at EMH . At the beginning of last year , it became apparent the hospital wasn 't going to survive , unless some drastic changes were made . By the end of the year , a management firm had been hired to take over running the hospital , on a trial basis , for one year . We had a pretty good idea of how the next scenario would go . Employees were warned that " some cuts would be made " when this company took control . Since Ed was a department director , making a higher salary , he stood a greater chance of being targeted . Some employees sought other employment , but Ed chose to ride out the storm . He turned 65 , in November , and knew retirement would be in the not - too - distant future , anyway . We hoped for the best , but prepared for the worst . The worst happened last Friday , when Ed was " let go . " In hindsight , we 're now beginning to view what we considered " the worst " as a blessing . Living and working in stressful conditions can eventually take a toll on one 's health , and Ed was no exception . In the wake of this particularly stressful past year , minor health issues had begun to plague Ed . I feared for his over - all health , and joked with him , at one point , that he was going to stay at that hospital until they carried him out on a stretcher . Fortunately , that didn 't happen ! As each day passes , Ed looks better and better . He says he even feels better . He looks like a man who has had the weight of the world lifted off of his shoulders , and , perhaps , he has . Perhaps a better analogy would be this : After years of riding on a sinking ship , Ed finally got tossed a life - preserver . May he happily find his way to the shore of retirement bliss , and live happily ever after ! Finally , a subject I can write about without absolutely no sadness or remorse ! If you 've been reading my previous Monday posts , then you know that my childhood was less than perfect , and downright painful , at times . However , all of that was before I met my future husband , Ed ! My husband , Edward , now known as " Ed " or just plain " E " , was the second born of five sons . Ed 's older brother , Allen , and his younger brother , Dale , were both born shortly before and after him . Unfortunately , both of these brothers died from Cystic Fibrosis , and Ed doesn 't even remember them now . Allen lived to be three , but little Dale barely made it past six months old . For a while , after the death of his two brothers , Edward used to ask his mother if he was going to die , too . I can 't begin to imagine the heartbreak Ed 's mom must have gone through , in those days ! Edward was a sickly , only child for several years , until , finally , another baby brother was born . Fifteen months later , another baby brother was born , too . Now , Ed 's mama really had her hands full ! She was an older mom , and depended on Ed to help her , quite a bit , which probably helped shape him into the husband and father he would later become . As a child , Ed took piano lessons for many years . He became an accomplished pianist , performing in many recitals and receiving several awards for his performances . I recently learned that Ed learned how to play the organ , as well ! Ed was the only one of his brothers to take any formal music lessons . At age 17 , Ed graduated from high school in 1967 , and attended Georgia Southern College ( years before it became a university ) , where he says he wasted his parents hard - earned money by not applying himself . The following year , Ed attended Vocational - Technical College for a year , but failed to return the second year to complete the electronics course . Instead , Ed and a friend of his , decided to join the army and see the world ! Ed and his friend signed up to go into the army , and attend x - ray school . Soon the two found themselves immersed in the world of anatomy , physics , and techniques ! Shortly after Ed signed up for the army , but before he and his friend were called to report for basic training , Ed and I were set up , on a blind date , by a mutual cousin . Yes , I said " by a mutual cousin " . Ed 's mama 's sister , married my daddy 's brother , and the couple had two children . Susan , the oldest cousin , paired me up with Ed , so she could go out with his friend . The four of us went on a double date to the drive - in . Susan and Ed 's friend didn 't hit it off , but Ed and I sure did ! I was just three weeks shy of my fifteenth birthday , while Ed was three months short of his nineteenth , when we met . When I first met Ed , he was working a summer job , of mowing grass at a nearby army post . Ed was lean and tanned , and he quickly stole my heart . What a gentleman he was ! Ed told me he 'd recently joined the army and would be leaving for basic training , in just a few short weeks . By the time those few weeks rolled around , Ed and I were already in love , and committed to each other . I told him I 'd wait for him . Much of the rest of our courtship came in spurts , between Ed 's army assignments . Ed completed his basic training on an army post about three hours from where we lived . We didn 't see each other for the first three weeks of training , then the army let all of the new recruits go home for Christmas break ! After the Christmas break , basic training quickly resumed , followed by four months of x - ray schooling at Ft . Sam Houston , Texas . About three months after completing x - ray schooling , in Texas , Ed shipped out for an eighteen month tour of duty ( which turned out to be twenty - one months ) in Okinawa . We 'd been dating just over a year , by this point . Ed gave me an engagement ring , and officially asked me to marry him , shortly before he left . Ed 's friend , who joined the army with him , had gotten married that summer , and was taking his new wife along to Okinawa . Oh , how I wanted to marry Ed and go along , too ! However , Ed pointed out that I needed to stay at home , and finish high school , while he finished his time in the army , then we could get married . So , that 's exactly what we did . Now , I know it was the right thing to do . Ed returned home on May 30 , 1972 , just in time to attend my high school graduation ! He quickly landed a job , working as an x - ray technologist , in a big city hospital , about 55 miles away from our home town . At first , Ed thought about moving to the city alone , and working for a while before we got married , but I had other ideas ! I was tired of waiting , and I told him so . He agreed that we would get married . I 've heard many couples say that marriage is a struggle , and it takes a lot of work . I 've never felt that way while being married to Ed . I do remember the first year of marriage was an adjustment , being away from home and everyone I knew , as well as trying to learn how to cook , but it was never a struggle . Ed and I had lived in the big city for just over five years , when the urge struck us to move back to our hometown . By then , we were thinking about starting our family , and we had no desire to raise a family in the city . ( We 'd already been robbed twice ! ) We moved back home , to the family farm where Ed grew up , and we 've been here every since . Ed commuted back and forth to the city , over 115 miles per day , for almost two years , until he finally got a job closer to home . Ed and I eventually became parents to three children , first a daughter , followed by two sons , all born three years apart . Ed has always been a fantastic father , just as I knew he would be , from watching him with his younger brothers . He changed diapers on our first born before I did ! When the children were babies , Ed always helped feed them supper and give them baths . As they got older , he helped each one with their homework , if needed , and tucked them into bed every night . Our children will tell you , Ed was never too tired or too busy for them . When I became sick with rheumatoid arthritis , over twenty years ago , Ed may have felt like he got a little more than he bargained for , but he 's never let me down . Ed 's been to the majority of my doctor 's appointments with me , gets my prescriptions filled every month , and has taken over the household duties , many times , during my bouts with this illness . I have been blessed beyond measure , and I thank God , very much , for my wonderful husband , Ed ! Ed and I have two old and very large pear trees at the edge of our yard . Those pear trees usually cause drama every year . This year has been no exception ! Back in early spring , a mother Mockingbird decided to build a nest in our pear tree - in that lower limb on the pear tree ! Ed noticed the nest and eggs right away . As time passed , the limb kept getting lower , and , eventually , the nest began to tip toward the right , too . Before too long , the eggs hatched , and became three Mockingbirds in the pear tree ! Ed voiced his concerns about the baby birds falling out , as he continued keeping a regular vigil over the nest . Sure enough , shortly after the eggs hatched , Ed walked outside and found that a baby bird had fallen from its lopsided nest . He happened to have a napkin in his pocket ( like always ) , and he used it to scoop the baby up and place it back in the nest . It was at that point , Ed decided to take some action ! He found some old poles and some twine , and fashioned a couple of ' legs ' for the drooping limb of the pear tree . In doing this , he was able to straighten the angle of the bird 's nest so , hopefully , the babies wouldn 't fall out again . Ed worried that Mama Mockingbird might not accept the ' fallen baby ' , so he continued his regular vigil over the babies in the nest . Mother Mockingbird continued to love and care for all of her babies , even the fallen one . She must have known that Ed was trying to help her babies because she didn 't even put up too much of a fuss over him being near ' her tree ' . However , if I walked near the tree , ( along with about five cats following me ) that was another whole story ! Hell hath no fury like a mother Mockingbird who thinks her babies are being threatened ! Mother Mockingbird particularly disliked " Jo Jo " , the tom cat . I 've seen her dive bomb " Jo Jo " and nearly knock him off his feet on several occasions ! Any time " Jo Jo " walked within thirty feet of Mother Mockingbird 's pear tree , you could bet he was going to get attacked relentlessly ! I almost felt sorry for the poor guy , but I knew what he 'd do to those babies , if given a chance . Ed watched the baby Mockingbirds grow quickly , and hoped the now semi - lopsided nest would hold them until they were ready to leave . We hoped and prayed that none of our cats would discover the baby birds . I stayed away from the nest , on purpose , for this reason . ( Usually , wherever I go , the cats will follow . ) About two weeks after the babies hatched , I arrived home from grocery shopping just in time to see the last little birdie leaving the nest . It was mid - day , and he was running and hopping across the yard , a few steps at a time . Every so often , he 'd stop and spread his newly discovered wings . I held my breath , as I watched , and prayed that no cats would discover him as he headed toward the Japanese Magnolia at the edge of our yard . Fortunately , it was mid - day , and all of the cats were sleeping at this time of day . I 'll bet Mother Mockingbird knew this , too ! For a few days afterward , Ed noticed Mother Mockingbird still carrying food into nearby bushes / trees . He noticed a young Mockingbird or two in those trees , as well . We never saw any tell - tale signs of half - eaten birds , so we 're assuming all of the babies safely made it to freedom . I sure hope Mother Mockingbird chooses a different nesting site next year . I 'm not sure our nerves can take another adventure with three Mockingbirds in our pear tree ! As for the pears , they 're continuing to grow . The lowest limb with ' legs ' may touch the ground before much longer . Ed 's counting down the days until the pears ripe enough for eating . He 'll gladly remove some of the weight off those limbs then ! I 've always thought my husband , Ed , inherited more traits from his dad than from his mom . Ed 's dad was always happy and calm . Rarely did you see him get excited over anything . Ed used to be like that , but these days I see more and more of his mom 's traits manifesting in him . Ed 's mom was what I commonly refered to as a ' fliterer ' . The definition of flit is to move or fly quickly from one place to another . For instance , if Ed 's mom lost a personal item , she 'd ' flit ' about like a bee until she wore herself out looking for the lost item ! In the past few years , Ed has officially begun to flit . The other day , Ed lost his pocket knife - again ! Ed was all in a tizzy ( again ) looking for his lost knife . He even turned over his recliner chair twice before I finally yelled at him to stop ! ( The recliner is a haven for Ed 's lost items . ) A few days later , our oldest son was outside spending time with grandchildren , Caden and Madison , when guess what they found on the edge of our dirt road ? Ed 's knife ! Thank goodness , another flit crisis was aborted ! Ed 's mom was never without a roll of paper towels or a box of tissues in her possession , at all times . She usually carried both in her vehicle , and always kept a box of tissues beside her , while at home ! ( Ed must have purchased hundreds of boxes of tissues for his mom , during the last two years of her life . He ordered them by the case ! ) Guess who [ else ] always has napkins , tissues , or paper towels in his pocket or beside him , at all times ? Unfortunately , this has become a source of distress for me , on more than one occasion , while doing laundry without checking Ed 's pockets first ! Last weekend , Ed and I were doing some cleaning at his mom 's house . In the process , I brought home some of my late MIL 's clothing that needed to be washed before we donate it to Goodwill . I proceeded to do her laundry - without checking the pockets first . Guess what was in the pockets of several items ? Tissues and napkins ! While cleaning out some drawers in my mother - in - law 's kitchen , I discovered something else Ed has in common with his mother . They both liked to peel the labels off of prescription bottles , and save the empty bottles ! How many empty , label - less bottles does a person need ? Apparently , Ed and his mom believe they needed SEVERAL ! The ones pictured below are just a few of his mom 's former collection . My mother - in - law had one other idiosyncrasy . For some reason , she could never remember how to use the remote to the satellite receiver / television . No matter how many times she was shown , she just couldn 't remember . We finally bought her one of those really simplified remotes , but she couldn 't use that one either ! After she died , I found this note beside my MIL 's chair : If you 're reading this post , then I thank you for joining me for the 150th edition of the " Wednesday Hodgepodge " . I 'd , also , like to thank our hostess , Joyce , for providing the questions and hosting this fun meme each week ! Now , let 's get down to business , shall we ? Here are this week 's questions : I can 't remember much about Sundays from my earliest childhood , so I 'll concentrate on my t ' ween years . On most Sundays , my parents and I would attend church services , eat lunch , then , later in the afternoon , we 'd usually go for a drive in the car . We 'd ride around on some of the country back roads , usually ending up at the cemetery where my granddaddy was buried . If we happened to stop at the two vending machines , located under a shelter , just down from the cemetery , it was a very good day 🙂 Our local Dairy Queen wasn 't built until a few years later . Once the DQ came to town , sometimes , we 'd get ice cream on Sundays . I 'm not comfortable , at all , with uncertainty ! I 'm a creature of habit , and I don 't like it when life throws curve balls at me . The year of 2013 has brought us more than our fair share of uncertainty , and , unfortunately , we 're still caught in the midst of some . 3 . What have you accomplished recently that might be described as crafty , as in ' arts and crafts ' crafty ? If crafty doesn 't work for you , how about handy ? Or both ? 5 . Cold turkey , talk turkey , what a turkey … in recent days , which turkey phrase or idiom best applies to you and why ? Click on the word turkey if you need to read more about the meaning behind each phrase . Due to a certain ' situation ' , I 've been doing a lot of ' talking turkey ' , lately . The ' situation ' , which began two weeks ago , still hasn 't been completely resolved . I 've been aggravated and stressed , but not nearly as aggravated and stressed as my daughter and her family have been ! Fortunately , we 're a close family , and have our faith to help carry us through until this thing is resolved . After Ed 's daddy passed away , eleven years ago , the distance between Ed and his brothers began to grow . An unfortunate incident during the funeral planning of Ed 's dad , caused hard feelings among some . The family began to drift apart . Vivian ( Ed 's mom ) depended heavily upon Ed for everything , during the years following her husband 's death . Many decisions had to be made , sometimes resulting in jealousy or friction within the family . Eventually , the brothers no longer kept in touch , except to send yearly Christmas cards . Many months ago , one of Ed 's brothers , who happens to live on the family farm , too , became seriously ill , and came near to death . Through this occurrence , Ed and his brother became close again , after Ed offered to help with his brother 's home health care . Still , the other brother remained aloof . On Vivian 's last day on this earth , all three of her sons were in her hospital room . It was the first time her three sons had all been together with their mother , at the same time , in many years . I realized this , and immediately felt at peace . Although Vivian was very sick , I believe , somehow , she realized , too , and felt that same peace . Her family was finally together again . She passed away about twelve hours later . In the days following their mother 's death , the brothers spent much time together . It 's such a shame that it took their mom 's death to bring them together . Much talk and prayer has taken place , and I believe some healing has begun . Each has expressed their thoughts and feelings to the other and the air has been cleared . Upon the death of their mom , the brothers discovered a letter in her safe deposit box . It was hand - written , and dated March 2003 . Nearly one year after their father had passed away . By then , Vivian had become aware of the distance between her sons , and , as a mother , I know it worried her . A portion of her letter confirmed her concerns . In the letter , Vivian tells her sons how much she and her husband loved them . She reminds them that their father 's blood runs in their veins , and that by loving and honoring each other , they would be keeping their dad 's memory alive . She says this would make him proud and happy . She , also , asks that her sons please don 't fight over what little she and her husband had to leave them . She asks them to share and honor their parents ' memory . She says that she and her husband loved their sons with the same love they had for each other , and that they loved each other dearly . Ed and his brothers have some difficult days ahead , as they attempt to carry out their mother 's wishes . Ed has been left the unenviable task of being executor of his mom 's estate . He 's a good and honest man , and I have no doubt that he will do the right thing by his brothers . We 've attempted to reassure his brothers of this , and I pray they will trust , and work with Ed . Soon they will begin the unpleasant task of dividing up and dispensing with Ed 's mom 's household goods and personal items . I pray it goes smoothly . I know it 's going to be heart - wrenching to experience , as I 've already been there . At the moment , we are in a very difficult place concerning Vivian 's house . None of the brothers really need or want the house , which , unfortunately , happens to sit in the middle of the family farm . The house needs some repairs , but still has lots of potential . The farm land has already been divided among the brothers , and two of them live on it , as well as two of our children . Ed and I feel that selling " the home - place " to a stranger is simply unacceptable . His parents bought that house , shortly after they married , and raised their entire family there ( including a grandson ) . They worked hard , all their lives , to make it nice , and were very proud of their home . So far , God hasn 't revealed a clear option for the house , yet . Ed 's going to move slowly , making sure the right decision is made . He wants to honor his mother 's wishes , we 're just not sure of the best way to do it . God has been at work among this family during the past seven days . It 's my prayer that He continues to speak , and all will be listening . I 'm praying for a peaceful and honorable solution to the house dilemma . I 'd love for someone in the family to decide to make Vivian and W . A . 's house a home again . It would make Ed 's parents so proud . Several years ago , while building our current house , Ed got a piece of trash in one of his eyes . His injury required a visit to the eye doctor . While there , Ed learned he had cataracts which would need to be removed - a piece of information he tactfully neglected to share with me ! That happened over seven years ago . Over the past couple of years , I began to notice a decline in Ed 's eyesight . He no longer noticed things beside the road , the way he once did , and he began to wear his reading glasses for things other than reading . Ed eventually told me he had cataracts . Getting Ed to a doctor , is somewhat like pulling teeth , but Ed finally scheduled an appointment with an ophthalmologist about a month ago - right before the doctor was leaving for an extended vacation ! Cataract surgery , for the worst of the two eyes , was scheduled for the doctor 's first week back from vacation . The day finally arrived , last Thursday , August 22 . Ed works at a small , local hospital , and elected to have his surgery performed at the hospital where he works . There 's nothing like having a little surgery among friends ! Ed knows everyone , so we felt right at home . Ed and I were required to arrive for the surgery at 8 : 30 in the morning ( I was required to drive him home afterward ) . Of course , the OR was hopping when we arrived ! One lady was already being wheeled into the OR , while another man was being prepped to follow her . Ed and I took a seat in the waiting room , but we didn 't stay there long . Soon it was Ed 's turn , and they led us back to the little ' prep room ' . Ed 's nurse , Sandra , happens to be an old acquaintance of ours . In fact , her dad was once our pastor . Like I said , there 's nothing like having surgery among friends . Sandra began putting all kinds of drops into Ed 's eye . Some of the drops burned , and she referred to those drops as " fire water " . Then , with a black Sharpie , she wrote the word , " Yes " over the eye that was to be operated on . Ed and I had a big laugh over that ! Soon , Sandra also brought Ed some Valium to take . Ed never takes any kind of medication , except his required blood pressure & cholesterol medications , so within twenty minutes , it became obvious that Ed was ' under the influence ' ! From the prep room , we were moved to the ' holding room ' , to wait for Ed 's surgery . By this time , Ed 's eye was completely dilated and he looked quite strange - with one blue eye , one black eye , and the word " yes " written on his forehead ! His speech was definitely slurred . Ed was asked to lie down on a strange - looking bed , and an IV was started . The top part of the bed was narrow - just barely large enough to hold a small pillow . I suppose this was to allow the doctor better access to Ed 's eye . For surgery , Ed wasn 't required to remove any clothing , except his shoes . He was required to wear one of those funny surgical hats though . The hat just added further to Ed 's strange look ! After a while , two guys came for Ed . They put more drops in his eye , then quickly followed the drops with some salve . They explained that both of these medications were to numb his eye for the surgery . Both Ed and I were relieved to learn that the paralyzing shot in the eye is no longer required before cataract surgery ! Thank goodness ! 🙂 They don 't even put patients to sleep for cataract surgery , instead they give them some medication which makes them drowsy , but leaves them awake . The patient has to be able to follow the doctor 's instructions during surgery . We learned the surgery is performed under a microscope . The doctor makes a small incision to remove the old lens . After breaking the lens into pieces , the doctor removes the lens through the tiny incision . A new lens , folded to make it fit through the small incision , is then inserted . Once in place , the lens unfolds , and , over a few weeks , will eventually grow to the eye . Meanwhile , I was told to stay and wait in the ' holding room ' while Ed went to have his surgery . I sat on the couch , read a book , and kept a watchful eye on the clock . Ed was only gone a total of eighteen minutes ! I barely had time to read one chapter of my book , before Ed was back from surgery ! About fifteen minutes later , the IV was removed and Ed was released into my care - sporting a large , brand new pair of dark sunglasses ! Let me just stop here and say - at this point , Ed was feeling absolutely no pain ! I don 't think he was feeling much of anything at all ! By the time we left , we 'd only been at the hospital just over two hours . Many doctor appointments last longer than that ! At home , Ed had a funny little ' swagger ' to his walk , as he exited the car , and he still had a slow slur to his speech . Following a very late breakfast , Ed retired to his favorite recliner and ' went out like a light ' ! It was much later in the day before the drugs finally wore off . Ed has absolutely no recollection of anything that took place during surgery , or immediately after . He says the last thing he remembers is having his eye washed out , then the next thing he remembers is riding out of the hospital in a wheelchair , on his way to the car ! Ed 's had virtually no pain since his surgery . On the day after the surgery , he said his eye just felt irritated , like it had something in it . Those must be some good drops used to dilate the eye for surgery , because they didn 't wear off until forty - eight hours later ! Once the pupil closed , Ed discovered how wonderful it is to be able to see clearly again ! Ed has to put drops in his eye for three weeks , and avoid certain activities that might cause extra pressure in his eye . ( Excessive lifting and bending could cause the lens implant to pop out of place . ) After three weeks , the new lens will have grown to the eye , and Ed can resume normal activities . By then , it will be time to remove Ed 's second cataract , and part two of Ed & Kathy 's Excellent Surgical Adventure will begin ! Life is getting somewhat back to normal today . It 's Ed 's first day back to work since having his cataract surgery on Thursday morning . Thank goodness , Ed 's been doing quite well since having the surgery ! Ed 's eye was still dilated on Friday , and he felt tired from the drugs they gave him for the surgery , but by Saturday he was feeling fine , and couldn 't believe how much better he can see now ! Ed 's shingles , or whatever the rash was , is finally going away . Fortunately , he 's had no pain , whatsoever , just some intermittent itching and the rash . Once the second doctor gave Ed a prescription for some antibiotics , to go along with the anti - viral meds , the rash really began to improve . The rash should be completely gone by the end of this week . I was somewhat relieved when Ed decided not to ride his new lawnmower on Saturday , even though he had the doctor 's permission . There was no chance of dust blowing , due to recent excessive rain , but I did worry about some trash blowing in his eye ! At one point , Ed actually walked over to the mower and started to get on it , then noticed the gas tank was almost empty , and changed his mind . Speaking of that new lawnmower , with the almost empty gas tank , it will be going back to the store today , after a replacement is delivered . A few days ago , Ed discovered that the ' hour meter ' on the new mower doesn 't work . He called the company , and rather than repairing the meter , they decided to send us a new replacement mower . Hopefully , the replacement mower will be problem - free , and soon Ed can happily get back to mowing grass . On Friday and Saturday , Ed and I just hung around the house and did a lot of relaxing . We grilled some hot dogs with our ( neighboring ) children and their families , and relaxed outside on the deck for a while . Family time is always good ! On Saturday night Ed and I watched " Dances With Wolves " ( again ) , and I couldn 't help but remember how much I enjoyed the movie when I originally saw it at the theater . The cinematography and musical score are superb - and , of course , I 'm a Kevin Costner fan , too . They don 't make movies like that often enough ! By Sunday , Ed and I were beginning to go a bit stir crazy , so we headed back to St . Simon 's Island for a little more R - N - R under our favorite oak tree . Ed drove the car , for the first time since his surgery , and commented how good it is to be able to read the signs again ! ( Imagine how much better he 'll feel after having the second eye done ! ) The wind at St . Simon 's Island was brisk on Sunday , and a hint of autumn was already in the air . Our beach trips will be winding down soon , and I 'm sure gonna ' miss them . One interesting , and unusual , thing Ed and I did on this beach trip , was to visit a couple of new car lots on the way home . We both suffered major " sticker shock " ! ! ! It 's been over twelve years since we 've looked at any new cars , so you can just imagine our surprise ! And to think , our first brand new vehicle cost $ 5 , 400 , back in 1975 … Sigh . Ed and I both agree , there won 't be a new car in our future , only a slightly pre - owned one , when the time comes to trade . Ed 's such a patient person , I can almost count on one hand the number of times he 's gotten really mad with me in 43 years . I , on the other hand , sometimes can fly hot in a New York minute . I think the last time we " had words " was about a month ago . Ed 's taking off Friday , which is my birthday , so he 's going to work Labor Day Monday for being off for my birthday , on Friday . He 's doing this swap so we can spend my ' actual birthday ' at the beach ( and I didn 't even ask him to do this ! ) Our youngest son , Brad , and his wife , Jennifer , are coming for a weekend visit , and we 'll do some dual birthday celebrating because Jennifer 's birthday is just two days before mine . If I were twenty years younger , I 'd definitely major in early childhood education . I know , without a doubt , that I missed my ' true calling ' by not becoming a teacher . I worked as a first grade paraprofessional for nearly fifteen years , and I loved and enjoyed my job . The summer of 2013 has been the wettest summer ever ! Our total rainfall for the months of June , July , and August ( so far ) is 16 . 74 inches ! Believe me , that 's a LOT of water ! The total amount of precipitation for the entire year is 32 . 95 inches - and nearly one - half of that total amount fell during the summer months ! 5 . Have you ever had a " bad food experience " ? ( Finding a hair , a bug , trash etc . in your food ) If so , do tell ! |
I 'm tired by now . Today , we got out of the house by 10 : 15 am to go up to Stillwater Ranch to try out horseback riding near Sultan . After my last time on a horse , I knew I wasn 't up for riding longer than an hour and a half . Mike wasn 't going to make it past two hours , so we took a pass on the horses and sent Nick and Adrian out with our friends from out of town . It was fun setting them up to go . On the way there Mike told Adrian that he was going to ride a horse named Devil 's Pitchfork . Then we made up names for everyone 's horses , coming up with names for the most ornery horses you could imagine . Devil 's Pitchfork was the best . So when we met Dalton and I said that Adrian was all ready to ride Devil 's Pitchfork , he just nodded and smiled . Then Adrian started thinking that it was a real horse and got a little nervous about the ride . He ended up on a gentle painted horse named Titan . Nick was on Katie . Katie liked to find places on the hitching post to scratch . Heather , one of the wranglers , gave the safety talk . It was a lot like what I 'd heard before , but she showed more what you could do by demonstrating it on a horse . I liked that . The boys were nervous , so they listened pretty carefully . Mike took pictures as they rode off . I love the pictures Mike takes . Maybe he took our Christmas picture today . Maybe not . We didn 't get to take pictures down at the Big K Ranch when we rode because we were all riding . Once they were on their way , Mike and I headed into Sultan to find the bakery that the ranch had hired to make their sandwiches . The Sultan Bakery was busy when we walked in . It was no wonder . The bread they used for their sandwiches was just the right kind of chewy for the egg salad that I ordered . I also sucked down a large cup of their tomato basil soup . It was too hot outside for soup , but it was rich and creamy . Mike had hoped for more than just a turkey / cream cheese sandwich made from deli meat , but it was still good and he left only crumbs . Then we stopped at the trailhead for Wallace Falls . Mike can nevePosted by Today , we celebrated Nick 's eleventh birthday . Since he was four , we 've been having his parties at the Red Barn at Tolt MacDonald park . It 's a lot of work , but we 've got a groove and it goes easier than it used to . When he was little , we set up booths for prizes , activities to keep the kids busy , party favors , and we cooked hamburgers and hot dogs . It was all very complicated . These days , we leave the entertainment to Adrenaline Sports . They set up a complicated laser tag course and planned a variety of games , even slowing things down when it got too hot in the afternoon . We didn 't plan party favors . The laser tag was the party favor . We also set things up so that we can cook the day before and put the food out and leave it for people to serve themselves . We still have a lot to bring over , but it goes easier if I work from the list I keep on my computer from year to year . Why make a new list every year ? The thing is that we weren 't sure we had enough energy for the party at the Red Barn this year . We put it off , hoping that Nick would agree to an easy party at the trampolines at Sky High . He would have , except it really wasn 't what he wanted . He likes the family - style party , parents , little sisters , big brothers . He likes being able to invite 25 of his closest friends . We like that too . It 's actually a very casual party once we get everything set up . So we ended up at the Red Barn yet again . This year , we were stuck in a Thursday afternoon slot because we were so late making the reservations . Fewer parents stayed to play , so I had a TON of meatballs leftover and more Hoagy rolls than I knew what to do with . I managed to give away some and freeze the rest . Thankfully , we have friends in from out of town and they agreed to eat some meatballs in the next couple of days . But the good news was that we all had fun . Most of Nick 's friends came and played hard , ate meatball subs , ate cake , and didn 't want to go home . We found a geocache and got two girls wanting to find another . My favorite part was at the end , when a bunch of us walked over the bridge to where they had watched Mike and I get married nineteen years ago . These friends from out of town are our oldest friends . Only their kids have changed since we saw them last . It was a sweet memory to go to the Eagle Scout altar , where we had held our ceremony . Then we walked to the shelter where we had our reception . It had been rebuilt and looked like a beautiful place to serve food and have a band . We had hired a bluegrass band and they had played all day , providing background music for us . Every time I walk in that park , especially when I cross the swaying bridge , I think , " We got married here . " Sometimes I say it out loud , especially to Mike or Nick . As if they didn 't know . Today , I didn 't say it out loud , but thought it as I remembered how I walked between rows of rented chairs to where Mike stood waiting for me with the justice of the peace . We 've come a long way together . It 's nice to have some friends here to have seen that . Mike and I have gone shooting at gun ranges before and Nick has been to the BB gun range at Cub Scout camp . I won 't go into the politics of gun use , but I will tell you that shooting pieces of paper , soda cans , and bowling pins is fun , lots of fun . Well , when we were at the Big K Ranch , we went shooting . I knew that Nick would love it , especially since he 's asked for a rifle for his birthday . Well , Mike 's getting it for him and my job is to call the U . S . Forest Service to get Nick into their gun safety class . The gun 's going to be locked up when we aren 't at the range , that 's for sure . Now , Mike and I hadn 't been shooting for at least ten years . We used to go to the range . There was an indoor range in Bellevue , Wade 's , and an outdoor range nearby where we could join and go there to shoot bowling pins and stuff . That was fun , but I had no idea I 'd love this as much as I did . At first , Josh , our guide , set up some traps on a distant stump and we took turns using the . 22 he brought . It had a scope . God , that was fun . Nick picked off four in a row and was really jazzed . We asked Josh for as much safety and loading training as we could get . Nick was right there , so we couldn 't say out loud that it was important because he was going to get one for his birthday . So then , Josh pulled out a shot gun , a twelve gauge . He said it would have a kick . When he asked me if I was going to shoot , I thought for about two seconds and then said , " Yes ! " He showed me how to nestle the stock into my shoulder , not too low . Then he said to grip with my left hand so that the gun was pressed tight into my shoulder . He said you get fewer bruises that way . Then , he said to put my right foot back and at an angle and my left foot forward pointed toward my target and I needed to lean toward the target . So I did . It felt so strange , trying to think of all these separate things at once . I decided to sight with my right eye even though I 'm better with my left , my stronger eye . It stinks to be right handed and left eyed with a long gun . I could barely sight down the barrel in the position Josh had put me in . Then he said just to stay in that position and to look at the clay as it moved . I did it . Well , I didn 't do exactly what he said . I didn 't have my left hand pulling tight enough and when I said , " Pull , " and shot , the damn gun hit me in the teeth . It was more of a surprise than an actual hurt . I tried it again , going through the steps Josh had told me to get into position . I also remembered to close my mouth . " Pull ! " I yelled even though they were standing right there with me . The clay shot out , I tracked it with my eyes . My body followed in that tight leaning forward position , and I pulled the trigger . I hit it ! It split into two pieces and I had to work to keep the gun aimed down range as I jumped up and down . Crap ! I hit a moving target on my second try ! Then , Mike took a bunch of cracks at it . He was good , just as I expected him to be , hitting three out of four from the beginning . Josh kept laughing and saying his stance looked like he was drawing a bow . " Why fix what works ? " he said after Mike shattered yet another clay . Then if I wanted , it was my turn again . I was worried about the recoil with my neck and back . I couldn 't afford to have my back seize up on me seven hours from home . Shooting was always hard on my neck . I wanted to take one more shot . I got set up , right leg back , lean forward , stock pressed into my shoulder , jaw clamped shut . I stopped to think for a second . I was so excited that I forgot the word I was supposed to say . " Pull , " Josh said , laughing . " Pull ! " I yelled . As if anyone couldn 't hear me four feet away . And that orange disk shot through the air and I followed it with my eyes , my body following my eyes . I pulled the trigger and that thing shattered into six or seven pieces and fell slowly to the ground . I couldn 't believe my beginner 's luck . The three of us got so excited that we decided to shoot again the next day . Later that night , as I sat looking out over the valley , the pink light of the sunset fading , I was still happy about what I had managed , two out of three . The next day was to be another day of riding and shooting . What else do you do when you go to a dude ranch ? Well , you can eat ribs and roasted potatoes , fish in the trout pond , watch for bear and osprey , and swim in the water hole for starters . That whole vacation was way too much fun . Thank you for listening , jb You 'd think that we 'd have brought our boy , Nick , to a renaissance faire by now . For nine weeks last year , he saved his money to buy a ' real ' Viking helmet . He and his friend , Adrian , have been dressing up like Assassin 's Creed , like ninjas , and like the elves and dwarfs that they battle on video games for years . They have a box of dedicated costumes . The costumes are getting better . Even with the video games themselves , Nick takes his time outfitting his character . Then for the past five months , he 's been asking for chain mail . Mike and I knew how much it would cost , but despite our discussion of allowances and saving up money , Nick really doesn 't understand what $ 400 feels like . He just knows he wants chain mail . Finally , yesterday , we took him and our friends from out of town to the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire down by Bonney Lake . I 'm sorry to say that yesterday was the last day of the faire for this year . It was wonderful . The artisans alone were worth the trip . There were spinners selling sweaters and chain mail , forgers selling tankards and daggers , leather craftsman selling gauntlets , belts , and helmets that would make Genghis Khan proud . Right now , Nick is trying to figure out how to make his own shield made out of leather , steel , and wood . I know it 's beautiful in his head . I wish we had a bit more time in the summer to make it . We still can , but school will interfere with our time . We did some amazing shopping at the faire . Here 's a hint : never , ever , tell a ten - year - old at a renaissance faire that you 'll buy him some things for his birthday without specifying the limit . It was all lots of fun , at first , but then ground down into a chunky visceral disappointment as Nick reached the empty corners of our wallets . We bought him a hand - stamped coin at Ye Olde Quicksilversmiths where I felt the ground shake as the weight was dropped on the blank . That was cool ! Then we walked into a hut that had some beautiful leather clothing . Nick had trouble leaving that place . We bought him a pair of bracers to lace onto his forearms and for a while he was very happy . I think the place was called Fire Fox Leather and Furs , but I can 't be sure . It might also have been Leather Mystics garb . The prices were amazing and the quality was wonderful . I snuck off and bought Nick a chain mail belt from Horse ' n ' Round Studio . I liked talking to them about spinning and the realities of making chain mail , but I bought a couple of make - it - yourself packets anyway . We could give it a shot , making it ourselves . Right ? Then I snuck back to where the girls , our friends from out of town , were getting henna tattoos . Mike and Nick wandered off and came back with a morning star and an arrow with a real metal blade . Does my son need more sharp instruments to fiddle around with . He really is a sensible boy , but at some point , isn 't he going to hurt himself ? I heard Mike ask him where the arrow was going to go and my first thought was , ' into my butt . ' After that , we told Nick that he was done shopping for his birthday . Yet , we weren 't done checking out the vendors . Oh no ! When Nick showed me the wonderful shields , helmets , and weapons at the Age of Chivalry booth , I began to understand that Mike and I were in trouble . It was hot , nearly 90 degrees . We were all thirsty and I was hungry . Nick just couldn 't get it through his head that we weren 't going into hock to buy him chain mail . Plus , I don 't think any of us knew just how heavy that chain mail really was . I couldn 't even pick up a vest that someone handed me . Still , it wasn 't about the weight of it . I talked to Nick about the cost . I asked him to figure out how many weeks he 'd have to save his allowance to be able to buy the chain mail and the helmet . Just sixteen short weeks . But Nick wouldn 't let it go . There were also shields and beautiful daggers . I was getting hungrier and he was getting hotter . We both needed a break . It didn 't work to go watch a fencing demo offered by the Salle Saint - George School for Classical Fencing Arts . They were instructional and very funny . I wondered if the classes were as good and figured we could try it out sometime . After that , we saw the Cavallo Equestrians doing acrobatics off of moving horses . It wowed me , but Nick was still thinking about that weapons booth and I was still hungry . Then I made the mistake of letting Nick bring me back to look at the helmet and chain mail combo that had him drooling . It just wasn 't working . He got himself worked up , nearly to tears , saying that we never bought him anything decent . It was rude and Nick knew it . Our good friends from out of town were thankfully quiet , but I did see and eye roll out of the corner of my own eye roll . " What about the great things we 've bought you so far , " I asked quietly . " Didn 't you want them for your birthday ? " Nick just had his thoughts clamped onto what he didn 't have , those beautifully handcrafted tools and garb . He went on , out loud , about how we never bought him what he wants . I had had it . We met back at the gate to go and Nick only looked back twice as we passed the booth with his precious weapons and chain mail still on display . Life is still pretty good , even when you don 't get everything you want . Thank you for listening , jb It 's hard to write when I 'm tired . Plus , I have stuff I wanted to write about last week at the Big K Ranch and couldn 't because I was in an Internet void . Maybe that isn 't all that bad sometimes , but crap ! , I wanted to tell you about the shooting and stuff . Then , I was trying to beat the weather and get the deck stripped and stained . I kept sending text messages to Mike saying , " I worked so hard , I had sawdust in my bra , " or " I worked so hard , I had black boogers . " Is that more than you needed to know ? Sorry . So here I am on another adventure with some out of town friends and there are other things to talk about like the guy in the Seattle parking lot who politely took our money , made change , and handed us a ticket , except he wasn 't a parking lot attendant . And now the parking lot company says I owe them money for parking still . What ? But more about that later . What I 'm really want to tell you about is the power and the lack of power in a trophy . See Nick went to his karate tournament today . He 's a member at Z - Ultimate and once a year they have a tournament . It is actually amazing to watch . The instructors make me draw in my breath with their explosive movements and they also make me glad I 'm not on the wrong end of that stick . The tiny kids sparring are so cute , I forget that even little kids really do need to learn to protect themselves from bullies . Then there are the ones who move as if they 're dancing , the ones whose faces reflect a fierceness that comes through despite their age , and the ones who stop to think in the middle of a form . I love watching it all . But there 's the problem of the the trophies . Nick has never earned a trophy in the previous two years he participated . Oh , they give out beautiful medals for each of the contestants , but Nick says those aren 't what matters . He 's been training purposefully for this tournament since June . He really wanted a trophy . So he was really trying today . First , there was sparring . The luck of the draw seems a little cruel since this is the second year he was first up and the second year he was pitted against the boy who 's 6 ' 1 ' ' already at age fourteen . I 'm just guessing the boy was fourteen , hoping . I hope next year he 'll be too old for this group and Nick won 't have to face him again . But life isn 't always fair , so 1 , 2 , 3 , and Nick was out . Next came the forms , or Kata . There were at least 20 kids competing . This was Nick 's strongest event this year , but there was some stiff competition from the kids . Remember the ones I mentioned that were fierce or natural dancers ? It felt like it was close , but Nick still came up short . Oh , honey . Then Nick finished up the tournament with the weapons competition . Again , there were about 20 kids in his age group . And he crashed and burned . Twice , he fumbled . I don 't know why . It was like watching your favorite figure skater fall on the ice , only this was my own boy . Later , I tried to resist the urge to tell him he was rushing and the nun chuks have a natural rhythm . I tried to resist the urge to tell him he was cheated . Did I really resist the urge ? I hope so , but I can 't remember . He really tried hard I was proud of him no matter his standing against the other kids and I was glad he gave it his all . So , Nick was disappointed again because he didn 't earn a trophy . I could tell he was glad he went , glad he saw his friends , glad he gave it is all , but there was that elusive trophy . But here 's the thing . Nick has a friend who also competed . She came in first among three other girls and received a trophy . When we congratulated her , she happily chatted as she held her trophy , but then she got quiet and looked up at her dad , no longer looking so confident . " But I was only first out of four girls , Dad . " Ah , there wasn 't as much competition for that trophy , so somehow it didn 't mean as much to her . Isn 't that the irony ? One kid worked really hard and didn 't earn a trophy . Another , by the luck of the draw , earned one a little too easily for her own comfort , so she didn 't feel all the joy in earning it . Without reservation , I told Nick 's friend that she 'd trained hard and really earned that trophy . And all I can say is that on that day when Nick really does earn a trophy for his hard work at karate , it 's really going to mean something to him . I 've been out of range . We went to a dude ranch in Oregon . The Big K ranch near Elkton . Oh my God , I had fun , but I couldn 't tell you about it then because I didn 't have phone service and I didn 't want to just sit in the lodge for the wi - fi . I had stuff to do , riding , fishing , shooting , eating , and talking . I 'll get to telling you about the shooting later . Now that 's a story unto itself . I 'm going to tell you about MC , my temporary horse . And Mike 's horse Claude and Nick 's horse , Jack . It 's official . I am not a horse person . Oh , I like horses . I really do . I like feeding them apples , now that I know how , and the long grass on my side of the fence . I like grooming them with that rubber zoom groom thing that my cats love so much . I like patting them on the neck . But I don 't have such a good track record with riding them . When Nick said he wanted to go to a ranch to ride horses , I started to get a little nervous . Okay , maybe it was a lot nervous . A whole lot . First thing when we got there , Kathy asked Nick what he wanted to do . " Ride a horse and shoot a gun . " So we scheduled horses for Saturday and shooting for Friday . If you end up going there , and I highly recommend that you do if you can , you should check every morning about your schedule . They 're kind of laid back about it and we ended up riding Sunday instead . I have to tell you , I was so nervous about riding that I only got three hours of sleep Saturday night , but I really didn 't want our vacation to get away from us without riding . I could say it was for Nick that I wanted it , but that would be a lie . Right after a hearty breakfast , we headed over . My horse was MC . He was a big horse with his brown and white fur mixed all together , whatever you call that , and he was very soft . I decided not to tempt the fates and asked for helmets for Nick and I and a footstool to get up . It turned out the MC really wanted to know what I wanted him to do . He was like that dog that just wants to understand what you want . MC was perfect , except that he kept turning when I held the reins the wrong way . " MC , honey , " I whispered to him , " I don 't know what I 'm doing . Can you just take the reins here ? " He even figured that out , the sweet guy that he was . Unfortunately , Nick got Jack and Jack wanted to tell everyone what he had decided to do . Nick had to be towed the whole trip , but he was cheerful and happy to have gone when we finished . Mike was riding Claude . More than once , we all stopped because Claude was having a snack . I didn 't know that horses liked scotch broom . So when we began to climb a hill , Quinlan told us to lean uphill to help the horses . Every other horse sort of galloped to the top , getting some momentum . Claude just walked along , heaving . It was funny . He was a beautiful horse , but when we got back to the corral , he went for the pile of apples as if he hadn 't eaten in a week . He was that guy who dribbled food while he chewed and talked with his mouth full . We all liked Claude . In fact , we each liked our own horses the best , even Nick . So I have survived another adventure on a horse . I just might try it again sometime . Thank you for listening , jb Well , we are headed down to Oregon for a few well deserved days off . Of all the options Mike offered us , Nick was most excited about going to a dude ranch . I had thought that paddling Ross lake sounded like fun . Nick wanted to ride horses . Oh no , not horseback riding ! I have a sketchy past when it comes to horses . When I was three , I was put on a pony and led around my Grandma 's yard . That was exciting and I looked forward to more . Unfortunately , more didn 't happen until I was fourteen and my uncle briefly had a horse . Ginger was a nice horse and I liked her , but after my uncle got the saddle put on her , he left me alone with Ginger . Boy , she could see I was a greenhorn from a mile away . After all these years , I 'm still good with the details of that encounter . It wasn 't traumatic , but it was definitely an adventure . First off , Ginger stepped on the toe of my tennis shoe . She didn 't press down , but she wasn 't letting go either . Eventually , after some pulling my foot and shoving her shoulder , she relented and let me have my foot back . So then , I got one foot in the stirrup and she took two steps forward . I didn 't quite fall down , but I could see that she was laughing at my attempt at doing the splits . She did this same trick a couple of times more until she got tired of the joke . I saw my opening and I hopped into the saddle quick ! And off we went ! No amount of what I thought of as directions made her go where I wanted to go . She cantered around close under the eaves of the farm house . She trotted under a low branch . I was quite acrobatic trying to stay on her past these obstacles . I shook the reins , trying to get her out of the uncomfortable trot and she took off at a gallop . Now this is what I had in mind ! This was the only reason to have a horse . We galloped across the field . I gave up trying to direct her and let her run her circuit . We galloped down the gravel lane . We went across another field until we came to a dirt track . It was like she was out on an afternoon stroll and had a big fly on her back . At least there were no more sweeping obstacles and she 'd tired of that uncomfortable trot . Eventually I found my seat and saw that she was headed back home with me . I didn 't want it to end . Ginger wasn 't done with me yet . About a hundred yards from the house , I could see my uncle coming out to look for us . Just then , Ginger sucked in her gut as she slowly walked toward him and the saddle and I slid sideways . I hung on for dear life until my uncle could help me untangle my skyward leg and drop me , not too gracefully , onto the gravel . My uncle was mad at her , but she really didn 't try to hurt me . He sold the farm and Ginger before I got another chance to ride . Since then , all my horse experiences have been on the plodding line of animals who seemed half dead , with one bright exception . A few years ago , a friend of mine bought a retired racehorse . This guy was beautiful and was so tall , I couldn 't see over his haunches . I 'd guess his butt stood at least six feet three inches tall . My friend got a step for me and coaxed me onto him . I knew I had no business on a horse like this . I felt like I was on something electrified . I pleaded with my friend not to let go of his reins and to stay in the corral . Even then , I felt a thrill that made that first pony ride and my run with Ginger pale in comparison . Thankfully , she held onto us . The best part about meeting that horse was when I got off safely and my friend let me use a brush on him . He loved that and I was much happier grooming him until it was time to leave than I would have been on his back . I hope I get to groom some beautiful horses this weekend . I 'll let you know if I have the courage for another adventure trying to ride . God help me . Thank you for listening , jb Ah , the freedom ! I 'm not sure if I 'm thinking about my own freedom or that of my ten - year - old boy . Nick and Adrian are with me at Wild Waves . Yup , it really is hard to make your season passes count , especially during a summer that has had so few days above 75 degrees . We came today even though it 's just 73 degrees and the boys are chilled . I 'm fine , but then again , I 'm not wet . I 'm sitting on a lounge chair overlooking the wave pool . The boys went on as many dry rides as Adiran could muster . His stomach got touchy and then Nick and I went on the wooden roller coaster . I love this coaster , a classic . I didn 't like leaving Adrian alone , even for the few minutes it took . Did I mention that there are hardly any lines for anything , so we were quick . Adrian was right where we left him and then I got settled into my lounge chair and they 've gone to slide the tubes . Now , I 'm happpy to be sitting here , reading ' A Bad Day for Sorry ' by Sophie Littlefield . This is her first book and I 'm really loving it ! It isn 't your usual crime novel . I 'm glad because I 'm not a typical crime - novel girl . The main character is a woman who got sick of being hit and took care of her husband , with a pipe wrench ! From there , she got the rep and women all over the state of Missouri started coming to her for help . Like I said while leaning back in my lounge chair with the book in my lap , " Ah . " See , Nick and I set up new rules for them . I am the anchor and they check in with me so that I know they are always together and I know just where they are if I need them . They get a dose of independence and I get to read my funny novel . We came last week with Nick 's friend Cole and it didn 't work at all . Cole ditched Nick at the Lazy River so he could run some tubes . We went home immediately after that and we didn 't ask Cole back this week . Adrian and Nick are doing great . They know that the only reason I bought them Dippin ' Dots is because they 're living up to their newfound privileges and responsibilities . And did I mention the time I 'm getting to hang out and read my book ? Nick , Mike , and I are at Luther Burbank State Park on Mercer Island . The Blue Angels have come and gone . We watched and ate our lunch . The sky is blue and the water 's cool but choppy from all of the boats leaving the boom . After the air show , the dogs took over the entertainment . There was one pack of three lab mixes and a Boston terrier . They were chasing toys their people threw . The biggest lab shook his back legs in excitement when he wanted someone to throw it , even when no one was looking . The Boston terrier kept circling with the pack as they went for the toys , but detoured on every return . He eventually came over to our chairs to get petted and sniff for handouts . I had love to give , but no food . He kept swinging by until the other dogs decided I was okay too and then they came to visit . When Mike and Nick got back from exploring , he kept coming around , perhaps hoping that a different audience might have a different answer to the request for snacks . The dog show is over , but there are a pair of A - 10 's in the air . The C - 130 is lumbering past , no doubt to return to the airstrip South of here . Nick 's playing in the choppy water . Mike 's trying to sleep in the shade . It 's really very peaceful now that the crowds have gone . I could stay here all day . Thank you for listening , jb It 's Seafair in Seattle . There 's so much to do during Seafair . I 've never been to the hydroplane races or been in a boat on Lake Washington to watch the Blue Angels , but I 've seen them from the North shore of Luther Burbank State Park on Mercer Island . You have to fight to get there before they close the bridge , but it 's worth it . I 've also driven to various high places on the East Side in an attempt to get a good view . One year I 'd unintentionally gotten stuck in stand - still traffic on the 520 bridge and got to see them very clearly . That was great ! I love the rumble and the contrail when they make tight turns . Can you believe that when they fly in formation , their wingtips are as close at 36 inches ? Imagine even trying to do that on a freeway . I 'd freak . My favorite part of Seafair is touring the ships in port for Fleet Week . I still remember touring a Russian ship in 1991 . The man giving us the tour was trying so hard to communicate though he knew no English . His enthusiasm came through loud and clear . He laughed when I came up sputtering over the water fountain . It was seltzer water ! I 'm also proud that I 've taken tours on the aircraft carriers , the USS John C Stennis and the USS Constellation . On the Stennis , the personnel in uniform seemed like boys to me for the first time as I realized that I could have had a child that age if I 'd started my family earlier . So now , my favorite part is asking people where they are from , what their job is , and where the ship has taken them . This year , Nick , Adrian , and I got a tour of the USS Bonhomme Richard , an LHD - 6 , an amphibian assault ship . It was every bit as impressive as an aircraft carrier , though it 's a bit smaller . One crew member said she was a cook in the galley . I imagine a tiny little galley , but this one serves about 3 , 000 people each day . By comparison , she said , an aircraft carrier can feed up to 6 , 000 people a day . Oh , I hope I 'm remembering these facts straight . While Nick and Adrian climbed over an amphibian tank that shot bullets that were easily 8 inches long , I talked with one of the Marines who stood nearby . Our tour guide said that all of these people were there to field questions so I had a great time with this guy . I asked him if he liked being on the ship , since he 'd told me that as a Marine , he 'd been on base , with the Air Force , and on a ship . He told me that the ship 's quarters were a bit on the small side and that he just didn 't quite fit anything . He was tall . He helped me understand that Marines go into a battle situation first to clear the way and set up for whatever forces were to follow . The Marines , he said , were a smaller group , were pretty cohesive , and were like ' first responders . ' He said he sometimes worked with new recruits to understand their benefits and how to use them wisely . I could see that he was a good man and that I had friends my ages whose sons were his age . I spoke to a midshipman in dress whites , who was ROTC in the med - unit and a helicopter pilot . See , the equipment on a specialized ship like this is amazing . Imagine being able to land helicopters and drop amphibians off a ramp in the back ? Oh , I tPosted by The last time I played chess with Nick , we were still working on what moves each character made . It wasn 't much fun playing , but I figured he was having a good time and getting the hang of it . This time , when he asked if we could play chess , I thought we 'd be in the same place , working on moves . But no , he had the hang of what each guy could do . Oh , he learned little things about how to castle with the king , a move I 'm not sure he 'd seen before . Plus , I showed him a two - pronged attack by setting up one of my guys then attacking him with another . I played my strategies out loud so he could understand why I made the moves that I did . When he started picking off my guys , I wondered if I should be quiet . Twice , he snuck up on me with his knight . Finally , he got me down to my queen , a rook , a knight , and some pawns . Oh no ! I might not have played chess much in the last hundred years , but I could still beat a ten - year - old . Couldn 't I ? Suddenly , I wasn 't so sure . He got me into a bind where if I moved my knight , his queen would take my queen . If I moved my queen , he 'd take my knight . He had another avenue of escape cut off with a rook . If he 'd moved forward on the board and done that to my king , I 'd have been a goner . Fortunately for my pride , he 's still defending instead of organizing an attack . I wasn 't quite sure how I was going to get myself out of trouble with my queen , but I tried distracting him with a random move toward his king . It worked this time , but for how long ? Next time he may be onto me . He might boldly send forth his minions . Did I give birth to a boy who is smarter than I am ? Well actually , I hope so . Still , there 's my pride to think about . One of the best things about losing to him in a real game is the confidence that builds in him . He really believes me when I tell him that he 's good at math because he can divide faster than I can . He 's certainly good at logic . At this age , I 'm pretty sure that learning to build confidence is one of his most important skills to learn . For that , I 'm willing to lose against him at chess , but from now on , I 'm not going to make it easy for him . Thank you for listening , jb I 'm reading ' My Name is Memory . ' What an interesting book . A man with a complete memory lives through multiple lives , always seeking the same woman who remembers only the life she 's living . See , I was the girl who read ' Jonathan Livingston Seagull ' at least twelve times . I bought it at least eleven times and gave it away again after each time I read it . Maybe it 's time for me to buy it and read it again . The only other book I 've read more than twice is ' Little Women , ' which always made me feel better when I was sad as a girl . Richard Bach 's books were my first introduction to the concept of reincarnation . What a beautiful idea , that I could be reborn so that I could keep learning . I was brought up to believe in science . Oh , my parents took us to church every Sunday , but Monday through Saturday , my dad taught me that science was my foundation . My brother and sister are still students of science . I am too , in a way , but I 've become more mystical as I 've grown older . I 'm almost ashamed to admit it . So here 's what I tell my scientific friends , if I even have the courage to tell them anything at all : No one really knows what happens after we die , so it makes sense that I believe in what supports me and my community in the best way . I want to believe that souls continue in time . In fact , I still talk to the people I love who have died . It surprises me to think how often . Ready to call the nice men with the white coats and the syringe ? Mike , Nick , and I have a small family and sometimes we feel a little isolated . Mike 's mom died before we were even married . My dad died before we ever met . Yet , there is comfort in thinking about how much they both would have loved Nick , even for him . Sometimes , I get verklempt thinking that Mike 's mom would have loved how much I love her boy and her grandson . The idea of the continuation of souls helps us to feel less lonely in the universe . And my cats . Our cat Seth has always tried to push me around and I won 't stand for it . I 've joked with people that he 's a bad husband from a previous life . I can 't even go into the details about the cats without feeling silly . I think I 've gotten myself worked into a reincarnation story with them . It may feel ridiculous but it 's a story that resonates with me , so I let it go around in my head . Notice that I can 't tell the story out loud to you . There are some things that belong firmly in either fiction or in silence . I 'll stick to silence for now . So you can see why Brashares ' novel would spark something for me . It 's giving me a feeling similar to that of ' The Time Traveler 's Wife ' by Audrey Niffenegger . In fact , if you liked one , you will probably like the other . Sometimes , I wonder about how a book might have sparked another . ' The Time Traveler 's Wife ' definitely came first . Did Ann Brashares read that and start writing from there or was there something in the air the way four different inventors will often come up with similar designs within months of each other ? I like the possibility of synchronicity , but leaping from the shoulders of giants isn 't off limits either . What story doesn 't begin where another left off ? So I sat in the sun today and read ' My Name is Memory , ' occasionally stopping to wonder if I 've loved Mike before . Yes , the sun has finally come out here and Nick , his friend , and I went to Wild Waves to enjoy it . For the first time , I actually sat back on a lounge chair and read . Oh , I slid down tubes , got flushed , floated in the river , but then I sat back and read in the sun . And this was a lovely book to sit with . |
" Come on ! " Colt frantically flipped through a stack of paperwork , which sat on top a myriad of scattered files . When he didn 't find what he was looking for , he flung the file in frustration . He laid his hands on his temples and just sat there , trembling . He almost hit his head when Colt walked in with an intimidating man . This guy had dark skin , clean shaven hair , and cold , dark eyes . Seth greeted curtly , " Colt ! You remember our head of security , Elden Gundulf ? " Colt groaned , " Carmen has been such a gypsy in the last five years ! I have no clue where she went ! She could be in Florida with her grandparents … " " I don 't remember ! " Colt wailed . " She lived near a beach . I know , I know , that doesn 't narrow it down much . I 'm sorry ! I wanna find Carmen as much as you do ! " " You ate her personal info ? " Seth shrieked . " You knew we needed it , and you purposely destroyed evidence ! " He glared at all of the strewed documents . " You destroyed anything that may help us locate our fugitive ! " " I don 't care anymore ! " Colt picked up a picture frame with his wife and son , staring at them forlornly . " I started with this company to make money , but I stayed ' cause I thought I was doing good for the world . I thought I could positively influence some of our erroneous policies . It 's clear that I 'm doing more harm than good , so my time with Mirage is up . It 's time for me to go ! I miss my family ! It 's time to leave this place and join them ! " " Ohhh Colt ! " Seth stood behind him and put his right hand on his shoulder . " You had so much potential ! But I 'm afraid that you 're officially terminated ! " With his left hand , he shot Colt in the back of the head ! Colt instantly died with head landing on top of the photo , his blood trickling down the desk . With a tissue wrapped around the barrel , Seth handed the gun to Elden . " You know what to do . " Elden nodded and left the room . Hank came home late that night . He opened his front door with one hand while he held his cell phone with his head and while he cradled an armful of blueprints . " No , Mister Windshift ! You misheard me ! I didn 't say that I wouldn 't make your changes , I 'm saying you 'd put yourself in an impossible situation . " He took his keys out of the lock and used his leg to shut the door . He tossed everything but his phone onto a glass coffee table and sat on his sofa . He rubbed his forehead in frustration . " Listen , I 've heard all of the reasons why you want to move the kitchen to the back . I know , I wouldn 't want to walk into my kitchen right when I got home either , but we can 't move it ! " He turned on the light and rolled open one of the blueprints . " I 'm looking at the floor plan now . The back of the house doesn 't have the equipment you need to function as a kitchen . There 's no pipes and no - " The man on the other end asked a question . " Yes , in theory , we can have them installed , but you 're already at the top of your budget for renovations . If you really want to move the kitchen , you 'd have to finance it outside your home loan . If you come up with the money , I 'd be happy to accommodate . But really , we toured the house before you purchased it … didn 't you have some idea of what you were getting into ? " The man on the phone relented and said goodbye . " Alright , have a good night . " Hank chucked the phone and sighed . A black cat hopped onto the back of the coach and meowed . Hank pet the cat , which reminded him , " Oh yeah , your mom got married today ! " He picked up his cell phone and checked the time . " Well , it 's an hour ahead in Colorado , so the ceremony is definitely over . I 'm sure the reception must be winding down too . Perfect , I can catch her before they take off for their honeymoon . You think she 'll answer ? " Hank half expected the cat to answer , but it simply stared blankly . " Well , I don 't get a lot of chances to talk to my little girl , so I 'll always give it a shot , even if it 's a long shot . " He went to his contacts and dialed the number for someone named Mija . It came back as an operator saying the phone was out of service . " That 's weird ! Well , I can always write to her online . I 'm sure she 'll check it eventually . " He clicked onto the Facebook app , and his brow furrowed . He read aloud , " Traitor ! How could you ? Traitor ! Traitor ! You deserve what 's coming to you … " A wave of fear washed over him , and his parental instincts kicked in . " Something is wrong ! " He turned on the television , and it was at a commercial . " Come on , come on ! " His nerves were completely on edge . Finally , a young anchor appeared on the screen . " Finally ! Come on , give me a clue ! " The young anchor somewhat awkwardly informed the audience , " Breaking news from Colorado ! A local businessman is dead , and the suspect is on the run . Carmen Alvaro ran out on her wedding , which is where she was last seen . The attendees searched frantically for her whereabouts only to find her former boss , Colt Duncan , dead at his desk . The police don 't have any leads as to where she 's fleeing to , but they believe that my colleague , Garith Kendric , may be connected to her . He , too , disappeared after attending the wedding ceremony . It is unclear whether he 's a hostage or an accomplice . Grand Junction detectives set up a hotline for anyone with information about her current location . Please , if you see them , call the number that is on your screen now . " " Those bastards ! " Hank fumed . He turned off the television and threw his phone across the room . The cat folded his ears , obviously alarmed . " She 's getting framed ! I know my baby girl didn 't do this ! She wouldn 't ! I know it ! " He stopped his pacing as he had a realization . " I 'm an idiot ! This place sounded fishy from the beginning , but Carmen always had an explanation for everything . I believed her ! I thought she was happy ! God , I could 've prevented this ! Now this cult is pinning a murder on her ! " He slumped back onto the coach . " Well , she 's escaped . She might come here . We 'll have to prepare for it if she does . " He talked directly to the cat now . " They 'll come looking for her here , regardless if she 's coming here or not . We don 't know what they 're capable of , so we 'll have to prepare ourselves . Prepare for what ? Well , clearly they 're capable of anything , so we gotta prepare for everything . We 'll keep our eyes and ears open , and if push comes to shove , we 'll be ready to shove ! " The cat gazed at him blankly . The phone rang , and it made him jump . He picked it up and after he saw that it was one of his clients , he rejected the call and threw it again . He collapsed onto the coach in tears , and the cat curled up next to him to comfort him . " Say cheese ! " a man in a mid 1800 's outfit pointed a camera and tripod at a cardboard cutout of a train conductor , a man , and a woman at an old timey train station . Zartex , Garith , and Carmen stuck their heads in the cardboard cutouts , and while Garith and Carmen smiled awkwardly , Zartex beamed from ear to ear . After they took their heads out , the photographer informed them , " It 'll just be a few minutes while the picture prints . " Zartex rejoiced , " This is great ! I 've never gotten to go on an adventure before ! The other humans I observed were so dull . For the most part , they stick to the same routine every day . I literally don 't know what to expect next ! What 's gonna happen tomorrow ? No clue ! How exciting ! " Garith responded less enthusiastically , " I 'm glad you 're having fun . By the way , this will have to be it for souvenirs . I only had three hundred in cash in my wallet . This is so strange ! We have to live like pioneers ! No credit cards ! No cell phones ! No place to stay ! " " At least we won 't go hungry ! " Carmen pointed out . " If we 're careful , we can use the last of our money on a bus so we don 't gotta walk the whole way . Jeez , after quitting my door to door job , I thought I would do less walking ! " They saw that the souvenir shop was still open , so they wandered inside . Zartex had fun playing with the various knickknacks that had the Greenriver , Utah logo on it . Garith looked at the clothing section while Carmen explored the small grocery area . " This souvenir shop is so small ! " Garith observed . Garith held up a pair of children 's flip flops . " It 's either these or you can walk to California in your stilettos . I don 't care ! " He pointed to an old television set playing the news . The anchor informed the viewers , " The Runaway Bride was last seen at the train station in Grand Junction , Colorado with the missing San Francisco reporter and a very tall man . They could be anywhere tonight , so police are urging everyone to be vigilant . These people are considered to be armed and dangerous . " Carmen felt her stomach drop . She knew Colt for almost two years now , and while they were never really as close as other coworkers at Mirage got to each other , but she liked Colt . He was always kind to her , and she just saw him at her wedding ! She couldn 't believe that he was killed ! " He 's dead ? " The cashier shouted , " You three ! " Zartex , Garith , and Carmen all had their nerves shaken as they cautiously turned to the cashier . The cashier pleasantly told them , " Your picture is ready ! " " I know that ! " Carmen grumped . She squat under it but nothing came out . Zartex waved his hands below it periodically so it would dry her hair . When it was finished , she peeked at herself in the mirror . Her new hair color was extremely dark and clashed garishly with her pale skin . " I look like Snow White ! " " As long as you don 't look like Carmen Alvaro it 's perfect ! " Garith handed her a tee shirt , and she begrudgingly took it inside a stall to change . Garith took off his suit jacket and put on a baseball cap with a picture of a train going up a mountain . " I 'm sure ready to hit the road ! We were seen in our old clothes and hair here , so we need to get out quickly ! Which we will since now all that we 're waiting on is for you to get out of your wedding shirt thing . " " Is that a bathroom thing ? " Zartex answered with another question . " I don 't observe humans in their private mode , remember ? " Carmen laughed unexpectedly , so Zartex probed . " What 's so funny ? " She explained , " Tonight was supposed to be my honeymoon ! I don 't know if you know the tradition , but it 's custom to have passionate sex on your wedding night . Teddy never did it with me during this time of the month , so he would 've been so devastated ! " Carmen had not thought about it before . " Yeah , I guess I do . It 's so strange to have these feelings come out when not that long ago I felt so much loyalty to them . How weird is it that I could fool myself like that ? " " You find that weirder than talking to an alien while you sit on the toilet ? " Zartex asked curiously . Carmen cracked up , and Zartex even guffawed a little . " Is that a yes ? " " Thank you ! " Carmen told him sincerely . She came out wearing a purple shirt with a cat that had a train conductor hat on . She still had her tulle wedding skirt on , so that coupled with her outlandish sandals made her look a little goofy . " Wow ! " she said while gazing into the mirror . " Well , I doubt anyone will associate me with murder ! My only crime is against fashion ! " She sighed , and then she declared , " Alright , I 'm ready to go ! " They came to a main road , which was devoid of landmarks save for a mini mart across the street and a bus stop next to them . Carmen remarked , " Oh good ! We can take this bus to the transfer station and then take another one to the Amtrak station . I can leave town and figure it out from there . Oh no ! I don 't have my purse or phone , so I can 't pay for it ! Zartex , I guess you just teleport . Maybe someone on the bus will feel sorry for me … " " Oh thank you ! " Carmen gushed . " Thanks for getting me out of that situation ! I 'll let you know how I 'm doing once I get … " After he gave Zartex a couple of ones , and she got a jolt of surprise when he pulled out a couple of ones for himself too . " You 're going too ? " " Then why do you wanna come ? " Carmen felt a little bad for raising her voice . He did save her neck back there . " Sorry , I 'm just a little stressed ! " Zartex waved jollily . " That position is filled ! Although technically I 'm not a man . " He turned to Carmen . " He did save your life . You could let him tag along at least for a while . " Carmen got on the bus first . The bus driver gave her a particular look . Carmen had forgotten that she was wearing a wet , torn wedding dress ! " Don 't ask ! " She went to the middle of the bus where there were three open seats . Zartex went on next . " Hello Mister Bus Driver ! How are you today ? " The bus driver , who was taken aback by his high level of enthusiasm , didn 't answer . Zartex couldn 't figure out where to put the money , so Garith showed him . As the fare machine sucked in his first dollar , Zartex exclaimed , " Oooh ! Neat ! " It sucked in his second dollar , and he clapped . " Oh , what fun ! " The bus driver still looked weirded out , so Zartex went to take his seat . Carmen couldn 't believe that he was getting more strange looks than her ! Zartex told an old man sitting across from him , " I 'm on a bus ! " The old man scooted far away from him . Garith sat on the other side of Zartex and handed both of them a transfer ticket . The bus driver started the ride , making Zartex lurch sideways into Garith , who promptly pushed him back upwards . " Woah , this a bumpy ride ! " " No ! " Garith refuted . " Mirage is dangerous ! Worse than the Manson family ! They have been getting away with slavery for over twenty years ! People who wanna quit either mysteriously disappear or their memory seems to get erased . We know the breadth is enormous - spanning across the United States , Canada , and maybe even Europe . Their lust for power knows no end , and right now , it 's all legal ! " " No , not even close ! It 's gonna stop a lot , so try to get comfortable ! " Carmen informed him . Then , she turned back to Garith . " How can any of that be legal ? " Garith explained , " They 're masters at covering their tracks . We have suspicions but no solid proof . We can 't even prove what organizations Mirage actually owns . They claim to provide back end support to other businesses , and that 's all we got ! " Zartex randomly put in , " So , they gleam from the profits , but if one branch gets caught doing something immoral or illegal , they can throw up their hands and claim no ties . " He paused and commented , " Another stop ? Why didn 't you guys tell me how slow it is to take the bus ? " Garith told Carmen , " See , we need this kind of evidence to sabotage their work ! This is the proof , the link that we 're missing ! If you tell me everything you learned while working there , I 'll write a huge article online to expose them ! We can finally connect the dots and stop these guys ! " Carmen hesitated . She was still fresh on the other side of society , so some of her old instincts to protect her old company lingered . She still felt guilty for running out on them like that . This whole escape still felt like a dream , and she wasn 't totally sure she could trust her own judgment . She briefly wondered if she was the ungrateful wrongdoer and totally misjudged the situation . " I don 't know … " " Think of everything you 've been through ! " Garith urged . " They took your life , and you 're just one of thousands . If you say nothing , they win . They get away with slavery and murder , and they 'll grow all over the world . If you tell your story , you can put a stop to a lot of suffering . Think of how many lives you can help ! " Carmen closed her eyes . She knew that he was completely right , but it was still hard to cut the final thread . She opened her eyes and thought out loud , " Until this article gets out , my life is at risk . You 're putting you 're own life on the line ! " Carmen wanted to press her point to him . " No , don 't just say it like it 's nothing . It 's not like going on a scary roller coaster or crossing the freeway . These guys have access to resources that you wouldn 't believe ! They have a whole department dedicated to security . They always told us it was for our protection , but now that I know it 's for theirs , it 's scary ! They 've gone to the ends of the earth to find people ! These people that you talked about - the ones who got their memories erased and the missing - that 's not a coincidence ! The face that no one has exposed these secrets after over twenty years should tell you how many people have tried and failed ! ' Cause I will do it , but only if you understand just what a sacrifice it would mean on your part … " Garith affirmed , " I understand . This is too important to ignore . The truth must be told ! I can 't pass the opportunity to save countless lives ! I 'm all in ! " Carmen still felt a little skeptical but she accepted his answer . Before they could say anything else , Zartex noted , " Goodness ! I think that vagrant is living on the bus ! " Carmen and Garith silently snickered . On a woody knoll , Carmen marched determinedly closely followed by Garith and Zartex . " Is this really necessary ? " Garith tried not to sound like he was worried . Garith did not object anymore . They came to the rushing Colorado River . In the past , Carmen often sat here on a bad day because she found the quiet babble of the stream comforting . She found it strange to come to it under these circumstances ! She instructed , " Alright , anything that can get tied to you - your ID , debit card , car keys - dump them here ! " Carmen told him brusquely , " All of those things can get replaced . On our journey , you can 't use any of them ! It 's best to get rid of the temptation . If they figure out who you are , they 'll use it to find us . Plus , if any of the townspeople stumble across them , Mirage will get to them . We have to be untraceable ! " Garith took a deep breath and flung each card in his wallet into the river . After it was all gone , he watched them float away forlornly . " Okay , it 's done ! Let 's go ! We got a train to catch . " Garith and Zartex turned around to leave . " Wait ! " Carmen said . Garith and Zartex turned back around and gave her their utmost attention . " I still have to get rid of the only thing that I brought with me that can traced . " She took off her engagement ring . " We can 't pawn it , though I wish we could , it 's worth hundreds ! It has to go ! " Before she moved a muscle , her heart grew heavy . " It 's gonna be tough to say goodbye to this ! " " No . " Carmen stared at it wistfully . " Colorado took me away from my family , and Teddy made me feel less alone . He wasn 't much company , in fact , it was hard to coordinate time to spend together , but no matter how lonely I felt , this made me believe someone close by loved me . " After a moment , she softly laughed . " I just realized that I loved this symbol more than I loved Teddy . Actually , I never liked the ring itself , too gaudy ! I always pictured my future husband giving me something simpler but meaningful . I have always believed that it 's the thought that counts , I really mean that ! I would rather have something cheap that had a lot of thought behind it rather than something random but expensive . Teddy was important because I needed to feel like I belonged , but I liked the idea of a boyfriend more than I liked him . Or Colorado ! I don 't belong here ! " She willingly threw it into the river and watched it until it disappeared from her sight . She told Garith and Zartex , " Come on guys , let 's go make some memories that are actually real ! " The three left the river without looking back . Cera cried her eyes out on Feliz 's couch . Feliz and Ashlynn sat by her to comfort her . Cera wailed , " I can 't believe I did that ! I just abandoned my faith like it was … nothing ! For what ? Some uncomfortable , awkward interaction with a stranger in a dive bar parking lot ! I 'm a sinner ! " Ashlynn stated to Cera , " Look , no one is perfect . It 's impossible to follow every single rule , and you should chastise yourself for not obeying every minute detail and technicality . The most important thing is to treat people with kindness , and as long as I 've known you , you have always loved to help others . You can 't put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect . All you can do is try your best to be a decent person . " Feliz added , " I consider myself to be a good Catholic , but I am not perfect . Like , last Friday , I had some steak , but we 're not supposed to have meat that day . Does that mean I 'm doomed ? I won 't get into Heaven for that ? The little things won 't ultimately matter in the end , so I don 't fret about them . God forgives mistakes as long as the list of good you do for the world is bigger than anything else . " " Mary Magdalene was an actual whore , " Ashlynn pointed out , " and she was one of Jesus ' best friends . She wasn 't perfect , but she was forgiven , and no one judged her . They moved on and did greater things . I " m not a Catholic . I had premarital sex . Do you think I 'm going to Hell ? " " No ! " Cera saw her point . " And Feliz , our religion is not kind to your people , but I won 't stop being your friend ! " " What do you mean by ' your people ? ' " Davida probed . No one saw her come back into the living room with the mug of coffee , and when they realized she was there and that she heard that part of the conversation , they jumped out of their skins . Ashlynn looked nervous , Cera felt guilty , and Feliz trembled in fear . Davida noticed their reactions . " What are you hiding from me ? I 'm your wife , you owe me the truth ! Be honest ! Tell me , please ! Why won 't you say anything ? Speak to me ! " Feliz tried to speak but could not get the words out . An email notification went off on his phone . Feliz tried to grab it , but Davida reached it first . She saw the title of the email and read outloud , " In response to Need Help Coing Out . Coming out where ? " Feliz could not say it . She asked Ashlynn and Cera , " Do you know what this means ? " Ashlynn shook her head , refusing to be a part of that argument . Cera , because of her lack of sobriety , honestly said , " We all figured it out , even before he did ! You know ! We don 't need to say anything . You know ! " Davida just looked angry , like she wanted to yell but didn 't know why , so she held it in . Feliz stepped up to her and softly said , " This isn 't how I wanted you to find out … " Davida had a look of denial on her face . She knew what was coming , and she knew she didn 't want to hear it but had to . Feliz took a deep breath and confessed , " I 'm gay . " Davida started to cry . " My husband isn 't attracted to me ! " She sobbed , but when Feliz touched her arm to comfort her , she shrieked , " Don 't touch me , you pervert ! " Davida laughed derisively . " If I can 't stand to look at you , I don 't see how they could want you in their life still . I 'm leaving , and they won 't be here for you either , so I hope you 'll be happy with these perverted thoughts because you 'll be all alone with them " Ashlynn stood up and defended him , " He 's not gonna be alone ! He has us ! We 've known this all along , but we never cared ! He 's a loving , sweet man , and if you don 't want a friendship with him , it 's your loss ! We don 't need your narrow - minded ass around ! " Davida gave her a dirty look and stomped into the bedroom to pack her bags . Feliz sank onto his love seat and cried . Ashlynn put an arm around him to comfort him . Cera stepped towards him , but her legs felt too heavy to move because the alcohol kicked in full swing at this point . She slurred , " You 're not a pervert , I am ! " She pased out onto the couch . " No one is ever really ready . Life happens unexpectedly , and when the universe wants you to open up a new chapter whether you 're ready or not ! " Ashlynn exclaimed . " When you get to that pivotal point in your life , you have two choices - drown in the ocean or surf with the tide . That thing you were dreading to tell her is out now . You 're free ! You can stop worrying and move on ! " Feliz seemed somewhat appeased by her words . Davida came out with a suitcase . " I 'll be back for the rest of my things when you 're at work . Do your coworkers know ? " Ashlynn corrected him , " Yes , trust me , it 's obvious to anyone with half a brain ! " Davida glared at her and left without saying goodbye . Feliz looked relieved that she did not have a stronger response . Ashlynn told him , " You don 't recognize a storm brewing , do you ? " They turned their heads to Cera , who was still passed out . Ashlynn gave Feliz a supportive hug . After a moment , she gathered her things so they could leave . She asked again , " Are you sure you 'll be okay ? " " WHAT ? " Feliz ran to the balcony and perched , glaring towards the direction where he was parked . " That bitch ! I 'll kill her ! " He grabbed his phone and called the police . While he was on hold , he observed , " Oh , hey ! The loving feelings are gone ! " Ashlynn laughed , and Feliz grinned a little . Ashlynn was lying upside down on her couch with her head hovering over the floor . Her parents had the same furniture that they had when she was a kid . The couch matched the love seat , both were tan with black , plaid - like lines . They had a dark brown recliner facing the television . The entertainment stand was small , and next to that was a collection of DVD 's and VHS tapes . On the other side of the entertainment center was a cat tree where a gray cat slept . Ashlynn had the Golden Girls on the TV , but she appeared too lost in thought to be paying attention to it . Jon walked in and cocked his head , trying to figure out what his daughter was doing . " Are the Golden Girls more funny upside down ? " Ashlynn got completely taken aback by that question . She lost her balance and fell to the floor . She crashed into the coffee table that was in front of her , which woke up the cat . The cat howled and ran across the living room , running over Ashlynn 's body . Ashlynn picked herself up and sat on the couch . " Really ? " Ashlynn did not entertain the idea . There was no way she was going to think of having kids at a time like this . " Too bad , you 'll have to wait . You want me to have kids ? Really ? I don 't even have my own place ! Let 's focus on one thing at a time ! " Ashlynn felt indignant . She always took things one day at a time and did not want to rush into a major life decision . She wanted a career , and if she got married right now , she would be a housewife . A traditional role of being a being a little wife and raising kids in a small house with a white picket fence did not entice her . She wanted to be married with kids one day , but it would not be conventional . She wanted an adventurous sort of life and did not want to pursue that right now . She simply told them , " I 'm fine being single . " Jon pat her knee . " Look , you 're our baby . Yes , we still think of you that way . Even Sophia looks at Dorothy that way , and obviously everyone on the show is considerably older than us . When we see our child suffering , our hearts bleed . It 's painful to see our baby unhappy . " Ashlynn thought about this for a moment . " Well , I supposed a good job would make me happy . Then I could get my own place and my own life . " Patty steered the conversation back to the original subject , " You don 't wanna focus on just your job , especially a job you don 't care about . I made that mistake before . I sold my soul to earn a lot of money . When I met your father , I realized that money wasn 't the most important thing . " Ashlynn almost had to translate that in her head . " Buy space in the personal ads ? I don 't think I 've heard that expression in over a decade . Most people just use dating sites and apps now . " Patty shook her head . " No . A personal ad , or whatever kids use nowadays . Ashlynn could have some luck with that . I mean , it worked out for us , right ? " Things started to not add up for Ashlynn . She seemed to have come across something , and it didn 't make sense to her . " Wait , wait , wait ! Earlier , you talked about selling your soul for a high paying career , but you told me when you met you were a waitress . You guys told me that Dad was in college studying for his finals for his engineering classes . He got hungry and couldn 't concentrate on an empty stomach . So , he brought his study material to the diner . You took his order , and , instead of a tip , he left his phone number . Where 's the personal ad ? " Something dawned on her . " You lied Why would you lie ? Could the way you met really be so bad that you kept a secret ? " Patty consented , " You 're right . " She went under the entertainment stand and brought out and an old scrapbook . " I 'm not ashamed of my past , but we made up that story because we didn 't wanna get judged . " She opened up the book to a certain page and laid it on her lap . " See that ad in the corner ? " Ashlynn looked at the page from an old Penny Saver . The page had a bunch of call girls that were all pretty but wore trashy styles of the early 1980 's . Patty pointed to a woman with huge , curly hair and black lace lingerie . Ashlynn laughed , " That hooker looks like you , Mom ! " Patty and Jon had a somewhat guilty face . " Oh … my … god ! You were a … ? Ugh ! " Ashlynn decided to ignore that because she did not want that image in her head . She read outloud , " Hi ! My name is Fantasy because you can live out all your dreams with with me . Big dicks only , please ! " She glanced back up . " Wow ! Mom , you were definitely a … So , it 's 1983 , Mom is … Fantasy . Dad was , what , lonely ? I don 't need to know why you were looking for a … " She cleared her throat . He seemed as thought hat he was about to explain , and Ashlynn interjected , " Don 't tell me ! God , I don 't need to know that ! So , why did you pick her ? Was it love at first sight ? Like , she was too pretty to be a … " " La , la , la ! " Ashlynn interrupted . " But Dad , why would you reply to an ad that said big dicks only ? I mean , it 's not like you have a … " " Ew ! Just stop ! " Ashlynn threw the scrapbook off her lap . She could not look at them . It was a lot to process . She could not believe her parents had a past like this . " So , what was the point of this story ? You want me to start hooking ? " " No ! " Patty explained , " I devoted my life to my career . " Ashlynn made a face when she called prostituting a career . " Meeting your father made me realize that I wasn 't happy . Change is tough , but having someone by your side as you make the transition could really make a huge difference . I quit that job , and we used my call girl money to put ourselves through college . It was scary at first , but we are both still working , and we have a family and plenty of money and friends . You need to find a way to create that balance for yourself so you can be happy and start enjoying your life . " Ashlynn knew that they were right , but she could not begin to fathom finding her prince charming when she was in a situation like this . She had no job and lived with her parents , a former prostitute and her customer who had a big … She could not finish that thought . " I 'm gonna be sick ! " She got up and grabbed her shoes and a jacket . " I got your point , but right now I gotta drink ' til those images are out of my mind ! " She looked back at them and shuddered . She grabbed her keys out of a bowl by the door and ran out . Patty and Jon heard her say , " Ew ! " Ashlynn walked down the street absentmindedly sipping a soft drink that she got from a gas station . She felt amazed how she did not have to think about the route she took . It had been a very long time since she had been home , and yet everything was still muscle memory for her . A couple of shops had closed down , bu really , nothing had changed . Ashlynn didn 't really want the soda that much , but she had been feeling a little overwhelmed . She had to start completely over . She had no job , a shared home , and would have to establish a new social scene . So many things had gone wrong lately that she wondered when things would finally start to fall into place . She passed by an apartment complex . It was two stories with doors close by each other . They looked cheap but well kept . The walls were light orange with a burnt orange tiled rooftop . Ashlynn used to walk by this route frequently because it was her first home . Her parents moved in as newlyweds and she remembered her early childhood was spent here . The walls were gray and the roof was blue back then . She used to play in the carport with her friends since there wasn 't a playground . It wasn 't always sunshine and rainbows , but she liked to pass by and think of fond memoriesof where it all began . She noticed a woman smoking on the balcony of the second story railing . She had large , curly hair , thick - rimmed glasses , a pudgy body , and office attire . She looked exactly the same now as she did twenty years ago . She was her neighbor , Carla . She would often run into her while she lived there , and since she was such a chatty cathy , she would always stop her as she passed by to start a conversation . Sometimes it got annoying because she was so anxious to play with her friends . Carla eventually noticed that Ashlynn was in the vicinity , and Ashlynn did not realize she was staring and got embarrassed . Carla looked surprised at first , but then she smiled warmly . " Don 't I know you ? " " Yes ma ' am , " Ashlynn replied . " We used to be neighbors . Well , I guess technically we are neighbors again . I 'm moving back in . . in the townhomes down the street . " " I did , " Ashlynn responded . " I was the receptionist for a large real estate agency . But the business went under , and I ran out of money , so … " Carla finished her sentence , " So you moved back in with your parents . That stinks ! " Ashlynn made a face of agreement and nodded . " Ah , Jon and Patty are good people . You 'll be fine ! " Carla laughed . " At least you 're handling bad news well . A new chapter opened up for you too . " Ashlynn wondered if Carla was referring to herself or another person . Did she have some emotional baggage to unload on her ? She suddenly felt like her childhood self and wanted to run away . Carla , however , caught her off guard by not referring back to that . " Listen , are you busy right now ? Wait , you 're unemployed , so of course you 're not busy . " Ashlynn was slightly offended by that comment . " I could be busy . I 'm not , but I could be . " As soon the words left her lips , she knew the notion of her being busy anytime soon would probably turn out to be a lie . She really did not have a life anymore , and that thought made her feel kind of bad . Carla seemed to sense what she was feeling but didn 't acknowledge it verbally . " Do me a favor , ' kay ? Watch my nephew while I run out real quick . I won 't be gone long . " She walked across the parking lot and up the stairs . Carla put out her cigarette and thanked her , " You 're a life saver ! He needs constant supervision , and I don 't mind doing it at all . I can even work from home on my laptop . I just need to run to my office and pick up some invoices . " " Oh , I can handle a little babysitting . It 's gonna be … " Before Ashlynn could finish her sentence , Carla very hesitantly opened the apartment door . Ashlynn 's eyes opened widely in shock at what she saw … Mac stared out of the window at a small , medieval cottage , but all he can see is the flurry of white sheet that makes up a big snow storm . He could see his reflection and sees signs of stress - his normally neat black hair had gotten frayed and hinted of gray , his pale skin looked sallow , and his gray eyes were clouded with red . He turned around and saw the maiden , Amberline , combing her glossy blonde hair and admiring her red lips , strong cheekbones , and winking green eyes . He turned to the other side of the room to see her cousin , Sir Anthony , doing similar poses with his hand mirror . He rolled his eyes and turned away to a small sitting area where his wife , Holly , was nursing their young baby , Preston . In his opinion , his wife was the most beautiful woman in the world . He loved the way her red hair always seemed to bounce , and her freckled cheeks had a dimple when she smiled . However , taking care of Preston was a full time job , and now he felt sad that no one was really contributing to the cause . He sighed . Mac knelt by the window and prayed , " Oh Lord , is the Rebellion against the Blood Warriors going to work ? It seemed like a brilliant cause , but now our hopes are as bleak as the weather ! Should we keep on with the resistance ? Send me a sign ! " At that moment , as if on cue , the door flew open , letting in the cold wind as well as a mysterious figure . Everyone in the cottage stopped what they were doing and either prepared to fight or run for their lives . They found that it was a young , peasant woman whose brunette hair was laced in snow , golden brown eyes covered in frozen tears , and thin clothes apparently failed to keep her warm . She would 've been beautiful if she wasn 't so obviously miserable . Holly put her baby down in its crib and instinctively wrapped a warm blanket around the visitor . Anthony shut the door while Amberline poured her some freshly made tea . Mac stood up and greeted her , " Welcome , weary traveler ! " She replied , " My name is Kasmira . I believe in your cause , but I 've hesitated coming here . I didn 't want you to share my family 's curse . " Kasmira explained , " My grandmother , Rosalynn , grew up in a wealthy merchant 's home . She was mostly raised by her nurse since her parents were too involved with their own affairs to pay attention to her . It wasn 't an ideal family , but she was content . When she was around sixteen , her parents had told her they had been coerced into giving her away in marriage to the foreboding wizard , Garlord . Rosalynn argued against the idea , but her parents wouldn 't be swayed . When Garlord doesn 't get his way , those who caused his rage would feel a terrible wrath . They were perfectly willing to sacrifice their daughter 's happiness to keep Garlord appeased . My grandmother was stunned ; she knew they were too busy to really care for her , but to condemn her life like this was too much for her to bear . In the middle of the night , while her parents slept , Rosalynn ran away from that place and hid so they couldn 't find her . That morning , Garlord came to collect his bride , and my great grandparents fearfully informed him that their daughter was nowhere to be found . Garlord was enraged because he needed a male heir so he could finally enter the Spirit World . He then put a curse of misfortune on all females in my family in punishment for what my grandmother did . " Kasmira continued , " After Garlord left , they immediately feared my mother 's curse . They coveted most their wealth , so they took all of their assets into their home and kept it all in a trunk under their bed to keep an eye on it . After a year of hiding among peasants , the nurse found Rosalynn and informed her that some thieves had heard about her parent 's hidden fortune , sneaked into house , slit their throats , and made off with their goods . Worst of all , Garlord still sought Rosalynn as his bride . Rosalynn tried to flee the country , but Garlord found her and forced her to marry him ! " Kasmira went on , " It was horrible . He always treated her like a disobedient servant and forced her to fornicate every night until they conceived a child . When they finally had a baby , Rosalynn hoped for a boy so the nightmare could be over , and she was heartbroken to see she had given birth to a girl . Garlord was angry but he promised he would spare the baby 's life if they would continue to try for his heir as long as she lived . Rosalynn was grateful that her daughter , whom she named Bernadette , would get to live , but she now hated the idea of bearing the next generation of evil . So , once again , she ran away , only this time Garlord could never retrieve her . She ran into a lake and never came out ! " Kasmira narrated , " My mother was raised by Garlord , who was cruel and abusive to her . She spent day and night doing the wizard 's bidding . She would be beaten if she got it wrong . She only got enough food to barely survive . Bernadette knew that she didn 't have a choice since she was legally his property , but she longed for a better life . One day , when she saw a wedding procession go by , it dawned on her - if she got married , she would belong to another man and Garlord couldn 't do a thing about it . When she ran errands in town , she stole conversations with local men . Finally , a young page named Donovan took interest in her . She dropped everything and eloped with him . When Garlord found out , he was extremely angry and sought revenge . When he found Donovan , they fought hard . Somehow , my father managed to banish Garlord to the Spirit World . " Kasmira shook her head . " Defeating Garlord was the only noble thing Donovan managed to do . The fight shook up his senses , and he couldn 't handle it anymore . He became addicted to alcohol and would beat my mother whenever he was drunk . I was born in the middle of this chaos . He never beat me , but he certainly didn 't give a damn that I was around . I tried to convince my mother that what he was doing wasn 't right , but she wouldn 't listen . She always thought of him like a tragic little hero and was alright when he was sober . She made feeble attempts to keep him from the mead , but things stayed exactly the same . I grew up making vain attempts to have a normal life , but the curse haunted me . Every time I came close to happiness , some misfortune thwarted me . I knew there must be some way to get a better life , but I grew less and less optimistic . I didn 't think it could get worse , but then the Blood Warriors formed . I watched them hunt down people with traces of magical lineage , and I always wondered if they 'd find out about our relation to Garlord . I never wanted us to be like those poor souls who were enslaved , tortured , executed … Then one day , while my father was at a pub , his drunken violence got him into a fight , and he ended up killing a Blood Warrior . King Davidson decreed that since he took one of their own 's life , he now owed them his life . He became a Blood Warrior . My mother and I went into hiding . Recently , while I was out gathering firewood , I saw that they found my mother and turned her in . " Kasmira began to weep . Holly gave her a comforting pat on the back . Kasmira talked through her tears , " I heard about this small group of rogues that want to end King Davidson 's reign of terror , but I was so afraid of my family 's curse ruining things for you . But as time goes on , the horrors get worse . Tonight , I decided it was worth the risk . At least , if I die here , I would die like a hero . That is , if you 'll let me . " Everyone looked at Mac . Mac kneeled down so he could look her in the eye . " I formed this group because we believe not only that we could rid the world of a terrible evil but that we deserve to live a happy life . If you want to fight , you have to believe that you are capable of such an existence . Do you think you could ? " Kasmira felt a little bewildered . " Be happy ? I read fairy tales where the damsel in distress finds her prince and lives happily ever after . I once faniced that I could lead such a life , but now I doubt a prince would even talk to me ! " " Well , a prince will talk to you , technically , since we have Prince Orlando as a mole , " Mac said to her , " However , I see a brave young lady willing to fight for what she believes in . You may not believe in yourself , but I see a lot of potential . " Kasmira was pleasantly surprised . Mac smiled warmly and stood up . " As leader of this brigade , I bid you welcome ! Kasmira smiled . |
On January 29 , 2017January 29 , 2017 By ViolincatIn DIFT , Generation 2 , Our Different Paths , Sims 3 , Sims 3 Legacy , Sims 3 Story , Uncategorized12 Comments Warning : PG - 13 for some NSFW in the first part of the chapter . Also , don 't read if you aren 't comfortable with topics of infertility . Also , kind of long ( 5k + words ) . My parents were incredulous - in the course of one year , both of their babies were getting hitched ! They and Gerald wished us both the best of luck in becoming a family . The girls at work just chuckled when David and I announced our engagement - apparently they were both expecting it for a while now . Looking back at our guests , I shook my head . " I doubt it . There 's cake and an open bar - the best distractions known to humanity . Let 's go ? " " But we already live together ! " I laughed . It was true , the week before our wedding , I have officially moved in with him , which was mostly a practicality , since I was already here most of the time . " Doesn 't matter . I 'm still carrying my wife over the threshold on her first arrival here in that status , " he chuckled . " So , what are you thinking off ? " It was strange , really . I kept hearing about all these couples who felt less attraction to one another after being together for a year , but in our case it was quite the opposite . I never got tired of seeing David in bed next to me and judging by his behavior , he felt the same way about me . " I guess not , " he chuckled . " I 've always wanted to marry , to have a family . It 's probably strange considering my own family background , but the more aloof things were at home , the more I 've wanted a family of my own . A real family , where the husband and wife feel strong affection for one another and go out of their way to make each other and their kids feel loved . That kind of thing . " " I want that too . Mom and Dad were like that , always . Still are . I think they made me set really high standards for family love . Speaking of family , do you want kids ? " I asked . Ever since David proposed , I 've been thinking non - stop about what it would be like to have a child together . Or two . Or three . Waking up next to Irene each morning was the best part of being married . Every time , I would be reminded that this wasn 't some wishful dream , but reality . For the first time in my life , it felt as if life was absolutely perfect . We were still absolutely swamped with work at the company , but that was nothing when you had the love of your life by your side . Of course it was small . This was the place I got cheaply when I first moved here with the sole idea of not having to live under my father 's room once more . I didn 't really care about space or fancy amenities back then , since the place was for me alone . As it was , it was lucky that it had a well - functioning bathroom and a full kitchen , but space was somewhat of an issue . A couple of weeks later , once Irene and I have gotten off work , instead of heading home , I drove past it and instead towards the new house . I haven 't told Irene about the purchase yet , but I 've notice that she smiled , whenever we passed by this place . As soon as I found out it was for sale , I 've put in a bid and the house was mine . Or more accurately , ours . " It cost less than you think . Apparently the person who ordered it built and chose the layout didn 't like the end result . So , the seller put in on the market , but apparently , too many people are unhappy with the lake - side location and he ended up lowering the price . " " That 's what I thought . Their loss , our gain , right ? Anyways , let 's head inside ! It 's starting to drizzle . " " So , the kitchen is all finished , the walls upstairs still need some paint . The plumbing is all functional , of course , and much more modern than our current one . There are two bedrooms other than the master , and two balconies . Wait till you see the one in the back ! " " I love it . It 's a little big for just the two of us , but the lake is right here and it 's conveniently close to my parents , and yeah , you 've probably noticed me looking at this house so many times . You have , haven 't you ? " she realized . In other words , our house was full of people . And people talk so much . Sometimes it 's overwhelming keeping track of all the conversations happening . At least how it is for me . " OMG , me too ! " Lana chimed in . " I finally convinced Emmet that we can totally raise a child and I 'm about three months in . " " Yeah , of course ! Wow , Gerald is going to be a dad . My younger brother is becoming a father , " she smiled . " And I did wonder when Lana was going to get knocked up . After Tia and Roman had their Brannon , she wanted to start trying right away , but Emmet was freaked out about becoming a father … " " I know . But it didn 't bother me , really . I mean , we don 't have a kid yet , but it takes time , sometimes , " she shrugged . Swimming was something I did almost professionally in college and high school . It has always been something that calmed me down and improved my mood . Something about the water just had a healing effect on the soul . Waking up to an empty bed on summer mornings was never a surprise for me . I knew David loved to swim when the weather was warm , utilizing the free time before work to get the most out of the day . Knowing about his background in swim , I was happy he came back to this activity he has loved so much in the past . Not only did swimming help him control his anxiety , but it enabled him to once again quit smoking , a feat I knew he was proud of . As was I - it always worried me to see him with a cigarette before . Alright , Irene , here goes nothing . I didn 't want to look down at the little stick in my hand , though . The result was always the same , anyways . I threw the offensive object away , doing my best not to cry . I actually had some hope this time around , for whatever reason . We were making sure to have a lot of sex on the days I knew I was ovulating , I was watching my diet like a hawk , we were both in good health , we both wanted a baby … what else could we do ? What could I do ? Finally gathering myself together , I headed downstairs to breakfast . The pro of having such a huge house was that both of us could have our space when we needed it . This was something I appreciated when I felt as terrible as I did right now . But at the same time , I couldn 't be alone right now . " Hey , what took you so long ? " David asked , sliding a fresh peanut - butter sandwich towards me . " I thought we were going to have breakfast together . Your coffee got cold . " Months passed . My sister - in - law and Lana were both showing in their pregnancies . I tried to ignore the ugly nagging feelings of jealousy this stirred in me . They were my friends , I was really , truly happy for them , I was . But at the same time , it hurt knowing that , for some reason , what happened so easily to them just refused to happen to me . All I wanted was a child , real healthy child to complete my family . I hugged her back , with my heart warming up to the idea . Hey , I was going to be a sweet little boy 's godmother . That was pretty awesome . And Lana was always so sweet to me ; of course , I 'll do this for her . " My apologies for being late , " I found my voice . " I have to admit I forgot all about this review and I was here to pick up the unfinished paperwork from this week . Good thing I was here , then . Let 's look at these papers . " " Ok , then . Well , as you can tell by looking at these logs , your company is doing very well . And I can attest that all the income you are making is coming in as legally as possible . Congratulations . I , unfortunately , didn 't get to talk to Mr . Collier about it yet , but I think , sooner rather than later , we 'll need less and less of these reviews . I must admit , I 'm impressed by your and your husband 's approach to business . If all the other corporations were as meticulous about their reputation , I would have been out of a job ! " he laughed . " But really , this is the kind of thing a business should aspire to . " " Thank you , Mr . Upton . It means a lot to me to hear that from someone like you . You 've helped our company as much as anyone could , despite our former reputation and you 've given us so much advice on getting Collier Enterprises out of the rut that you are definitely deserving of praise for our success as well , " I admitted to the older lawyer . He smiled warmly . " I 'm always happy to help when people are willing to accept the help . Be it for business reasons or personal ones . And I 've dealt with people for a little too long not to notice that you were on the verge of tears when you walked in here and that you are still trying not to cry . Whatever it is , you 're bottling it and it 's going to keep bothering you until you deal with it . I may not be a psychologist , but life has taught me that much . " " You 're right . Something is bothering me . It 's just that David and I have been married for five years now and no matter what I do , I can 't get pregnant , " I admitted . " It didn 't bother me at first , I know it can take time , but it feels like whatever effort I make , whether it be watching my health , using those stupid calendars for planning my fertility , taking vitamins , it all doesn 't help . And it seems like all around me , I keep seeing happily pregnant people , people with little children … I 'm not a jealous person by nature , but I 'm so jealous . Why is it that the one thing I want from life right now , I can 't have ? " I finished , taking deep gulping breaths . " Believe it or not , Kyla and I were in the same situation when we got married , " he explained . " We 've been trying to conceive for almost seven years , with no luck . The doctors didn 't know what was wrong with us . All the checkups were coming up fine , no chemical imbalances or physical problems . Speaking of medical issues , have you gone to a fertility specialist yet ? " he asked . " We adopted , " he explained . " Kyla and I both wanted children and we decided that since nature didn 't want to cooperate , we 'll just have to accept that we couldn 't have them the usual way . So we adopted . " " But your daughters look so much like you and your wife ! " I exclaimed . David and I have met his family and we even noted to one another how strong the family resemblance was . " They do , don 't they ? Nora is biologically ours , yes . Kyla did , eventually get pregnant , without even trying , about six years after we adopted Betty . The biggest surprise of our lives . I guess , what I 'm saying is , don 't give up . And even if things don 't work out the way you want them to , you and your husband still have options . " " You 're right , " I realized . In more ways than one . It really did help me to talk to someone about it , since for some reason I couldn 't talk about it with David . " Thanks again . For forcing me to confront this right now . " Liam and his wife were told there was nothing wrong with either of them , but they were still unable to conceive for 13 years . What if the same thing would happen to us ? Or what if there was something wrong with one of us ? With me in particular ? What if our own biological children were never an option for our family ? We could adopt , yes . But would that be enough for me ? Could I love a child that wasn 't biologically mine and raise him or her to the best of my ability ? Would David ? " Hey , talk to me , what is it ? You know , I 'm always willing to listen . But you keep it all bottled up inside , " he joined me on the ground . " I 'm sorry , " I whispered . " I just can 't take this anymore . I really want a child of my own . Of our own . Why isn 't it happening ? " " Yes . I feel like I 'm failing . We 're here , all alone in this big house , and it just feels empty . I know you want a big family . I want a big family too , have wanted one since before we married . But it 's just not happening . " " You 're right , I do want a big family . But I want it with you . And if that 's not an option , it 's fine with me , honestly . Because , most of all , I want you to be happy , and you aren 't happy if you 're beating yourself up over something that isn 't your fault at all . And I want you to be able to talk to me about the things that bother you . " " Nothing is wrong with you , " David hugged me tighter . " Hey , you know what , it 's Friday night and we shouldn 't spend it cooped up in here . Let 's dress up and go somewhere . " " I thought we should come here and remember our first meeting , Irene . And really , we need to get our mind off of the things bothering us . For one evening , let 's just relax and enjoy ourselves , " he explained . " You sure know how to make a girl happy , " I relaxed in my chair . Scanning the room , I noticed something that has changed from the previous time . " Hey , they got a jukebox . I 'm pretty sure it wasn 't here the last time , right ? " " I don 't think so , no . Hey , come dance with me , " he invited , pulling me out of my chair . " I want to dance . " " Say what you will . I came in here back then to try and relax after a meeting with my father . Instead , I ended up meeting my future wife . I think that 's pretty romantic , " he pulled me close for a kiss . To my immense surprise , it turned out that David was a pretty good tango dancer . Every step he made was smooth , every twirl and turn completely in step with the rhythm of the melody . I was trying my hardest to follow and despite not knowing even the basics of the dance , with his lead , I managed to follow all the moves and not miss the rhythm even once . After a while , I stared to enjoy the dance . There is something captivating and entrancing about getting to dance the tango with someone you love . Every time our bodies touched sent a new wave of emotions through me and while I was aware of the other patrons ' eyes on us , I kept wanting this moment to continue forever . " At boarding school , " he smiled . " My roommate and best friend there was the son of professional ballroom dancers . He always joked that they 'll disown him if he didn 't know how to dance these things . He taught the moves of these dances to anyone who was willing to learn them . Of course I took advantage of that opportunity ! " " What else is there that I don 't know about you ? You aren 't a secret master of the arts too , are you ? " I was impressed . " Yeah , well , I think I deserved a drink . And you said yourself I was a good student , and good students deserve a reward , " I mumbled . " Hey , who are they ? " " Thank goodness , you 're home . I 'm Norma , I 'm with social services . I 'm sorry to just show up like this but … I 'm extremely sorry to inform you , but Sharon Preston was involved in a terrible accident and … well , she hasn 't made it unfortunately . And Millicent 's birth certificate lists you as her father , Mr . Collier . " " She doesn 't have any other relatives , " Norma quietly informed us . " Sharon 's parents have already passed away and she was an only child . It 's either with you or into the system for her . " The girl meekly got up from the porch and followed us inside . I didn 't know if she was in such shock over the loss of her mother , over being here , over meeting her father , or over all of the above . But she needed support at this time and I was going to give it to her to the best of my ability . On January 23 , 2017January 23 , 2017 By ViolincatIn DIFT , Generation 2 , Our Different Paths , Sims 3 , Uncategorized16 Comments Our return home couldn 't have come sooner . The motel was nice enough , but sleeping in your own bed ? Priceless . " Oh , you just became a couple ? I kind of assumed you already were when I found him sleeping on our couch that one night . Congratulations , though . I like this one much more . " The situation at the company , for example : things were even more chaotic than before we left . As soon as it became clear that Selma ditched from the country , the majority of upper management have turned in their letters of resignation , most likely out of fear of becoming embroiled in the legal scandal with the company . The rest of the workers had no idea what to do in these circumstances . They were worriedly awaiting news of what would become with their jobs . After all , they were regular people who needed a steady income … As the situation stood , the company was still in a whole lot of legal hot water . While the server leak did come from a questionable source , investigation into said information has proven most of it true , which , under different circumstances , would have meant a hefty sentence for Lionel and a smaller one for Selma . As things stood , the main criminal was dead , and the accomplice was in a country out of our legal system 's reach . David was lucky to have been officially uninvolved with any of his parent 's illegal activities , which was the one bright thing about this whole mess . He was in the clear with the law , especially after he himself nearly became a victim of the same criminals who killed his father and tried to pin it on his mother . The law enforcement somewhat sympathized with his situation . But that meant that he , as the remaining heir of Collier Enterprises was now responsible for dealing with all the fallout from the recent events , in regards to the company . About a week after we got back from Twinbrook , we were visited by a government attorney named Liam Upton , who , in convergence with local law enforcement , was going to keep track of all financial deals made between the company and whoever it did business with . He had a respectable level of experience with corporate legal matters and it wasn 't his first time dealing with a company that landed on the wrong side of the law . Of course , most of his experience didn 't involve legal troubles quite as extensive as ours , but that just meant that we were going to be under much stricter overlook than any of the other companies . Which left us with another problem - the company 's management team , which was basically nonexistent at the moment . The logical solution was to promote the remaining employees to the now empty positions and to start recruiting for new employees for their former jobs . However , as things stood , the local job - searching population seemed to be avoiding us like the plague and we only managed to hire a handful of new people . And the employees who were offered management positions suddenly found excuses for why they couldn 't take the jobs ! Some bizarre , some understandable . Of course , there was another problem with these promotions : due to the large fines the company had to pay out , we could only give a very small raise to the new managers , not nearly as much as they should have been getting . We hoped this will change soon . But that remained to be seen . And me ? I was now very much a part of it all - I agreed to take the head manager 's position without any need to convince me , refusing the raise that came with it . Ever since the Marilyn fiasco , I couldn 't help but feel that my quest for justice would have had almost the same results for the company as hers , minus the deaths . So , of course , I was going to do my very best to fix things . After about a year , things were beginning to look up , somewhat . The company , while still dealing with a lot of financial duress , has figured out a new pattern for work , new medicines were still being developed , and slowly , people began to regain trust in us . Mostly , it was because David and I made a huge effort to change how things were done in the company . Collier Enterprises was no longer an intimidating pharmaceutical giant . We were a business founded on shady dealings , but we were doing our best to replace that foundation with one based on trust , honesty , and community presence . Tia had her baby , and little Clyde dotted on his new sibling . Roman , after being contacted by both the Twinbrook and the Hidden Springs police departments , was now working with the local unit , strengthening the cybersecurity of their servers and also giving seminars on computer safety and privacy . He was happy to once again be able to provide for his family , from which he has been away for so long . We 've kept contact with Deputy Rosswell from Twinbrook . After he saved our lives , we have decided to stay in touch with the man . He has informed us that Marilyn and Sam were both tried in court for their crimes . Even with their admissions of wrongdoing , both Sam and Marilyn were going to jail for a long time . However , Marilyn was to serve a part of her sentence in an institution much more appropriate to her mental wellbeing , which turned out to be completely nonexistent , as ascertained by the court psychologists . On a happier note , Gerald has proposed to Katy and they were busy planning their wedding . Most of the time , she was over at our place now , spending time with my brother . They have never looked happier . And I was happy too . When David and I did manage to have some free time to ourselves , he never failed to put a smile on my face . He would constantly bring me sweet treats at work , give me compliments and kisses when we were together , and he could brighten up my day just by smiling a certain way . I think , for the first time in a long while , everything in my life was looking just perfect . I was busier than ever , true , but I had someone that I knew was there for me no matter what , and who cared about me deeply . That constant worry I felt when I dated Micah , was never present with David . I think it just meant that Micah was never the right person for me , while David was . And I probably had to Micah to thank for that - if not for our terrible break - up and my behavior afterwards , I probably wouldn 't have met David the way I did and most likely never would have looked past his family name to see the wonderful person he was . Life works out in strange ways . In record time , it was time for my brother 's wedding . After complaining about how boring most wedding invitations that they 've seen were , Gerald and Kate have taken a very humorous approach to wedding announcements . At least they had a lot of fun during the photoshoot , and most of our friends seemed to like the invites ! Also , in a decision that calmed my worried heart , Gerald and Kate have both decided that it would be a better idea for Kate to just move in with us after the wedding than for her and Gerald to move to a new place . The idea of my brother moving out worried me because I knew that , despite my biggest attempts to do so , with how busy I was at work , there was no way I could give as much care as needed to Mom and Dad once they got older . And I would have hated for them to be uncared for . Whereas , I knew Gerald 's much saner work schedule would allow him to spend time with the family . Mom and Dad were also happy , even though both broke down in tears during the vows . After all , their youngest baby was all grown up and getting married ! ( I think they were also feeling happy about the fact that Gerald was remaining home after the wedding . ) It wasn 't long after the wedding that David and I have gotten our first break at work . A new medication for arthritis , while not too expensive , has managed to get the company much closer to leaving our current financial rut . This meant that we could finally give out some much needed bonuses to our hard - working employees , and also relax a bit . We were re - watching old episodes of Colombo ( what could I say , we have both developed a taste for detective fiction after our trip ) , having extra - cheesy pizza and cheese sticks , and laughing our butts off at all the ways " the bad guys " tend to get caught in shows . It was a lazy Saturday and David and I were at his house , with no plans to go anywhere . After polishing off the last pizza slice and finishing the episode , I leaned back into David contentedly . Suddenly , he asked me : He shrugged . " It 's just , you 've been there for me in every way possible for the last two years and I honestly don 't know how I would have gotten through all this without you . But it made me wonder if I was doing nearly enough for you to qualify as a decent boyfriend . " " Are you kidding me ? You 're an amazing boyfriend ! Who else would bring me chocolates at work ? Or give me a backrub when I 'm feeling down ? " I laughed . " We officially spend too much time cooped up indoors . We should enjoy beautiful nature for a bit . Bring your jacket , just in case , " he smiled , heading for his car . " No , " I tried to remember the place . It was popular with some members of the astrology club back in high school , I remembered , as they used to camp out there to watch the stars . But I was more focused on other things back then . It was true , I 've never been there . I did just that . The entire Hidden Springs was laid out before us , with everyone looking so very tiny from our viewpoint up here . The height was terrifying , but there was something exhilarating about it . It was beautiful . " I thought you 'd like it , " he smiled contentedly . " I used to come here with Emily , whenever possible . I used to think this place was more romantic than the Eiffel Tower on Valentine 's Day . " " Irene , I met you at the moment when my life was at its lowest , or so I thought back then . But when I met you , despite everything , you 've managed to be a guiding light for me . At those moments when I felt close to giving up on everything , on admitting failure in life , you were there , pushing me along and reminding me that I wasn 't alone . I can 't and don 't want to imagine my life without you in it , because it would be absolutely empty . So tell me , will you be my wife , Irene ? " My breath caught in my throat and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes , tears of happiness . I 've often wondered what it would be like to marry David , but I didn 't know if this would be something that would ever happen to us . Now that he was proposing , I couldn 't handle the surge of emotions in my chest . " Yes ! Of course , I will marry you , David . Because I don 't want to imagine my life without you either . I love you . I think I 've been in love with since that time I 've seen you outside the restaurant in town . I don 't know if soulmates exist , but if they do , you are mine . " " Yeah , but I first saw you in town square , outside the restaurant , it was afternoon on a Saturday , " I admitted . " I remember wanting to go and meet you back then , but feeling guilty because I was still in a relationship . You looked really sad . " " That was the day I first arrived here from Bridgeport . I 've just arrived back from the airport at that time and I was dreading coming home , " he admitted . " And you saw me on that very day ! Wow , this truly is fate . " I leaned back in the car seat , trying to get a grip on my own whirlwind of emotions . So , we knew who the killer was and why . For revenge . For the same reason I even started working at Collier Enterprises . I started shaking again , which David noticed . I shrugged to reassure him I was fine . Really , I had no right to be breaking down at this point . I wasn 't the one at the receiving end of all the recent problems . " Perhaps , we should make a pit stop , " David announced . " I think this trip has given both of us enough of a shake - up to warrant some relaxing herbal teas . We need to calm down before going to the station . " Even though I knew there was no reason to delay the police visit , I didn 't have the heart to protest . Soon , David turned into the parking lot of a popular coffee shop , called The Java Haus . As he shut off the car , I realized that his hands were also trembling . So we did both need to calm down before getting on the road again … " We have to tell them everything . Even about our break in to Dad 's office . Because the impostor already knows about it and it might be something the police need to know . " I nodded in agreement . " We also need to fill them in on the whole backstory , probably . With my parents and Aileen and her involvement with your father - that 's the motive right there . What else ? " " We 'll need to explain about Roman since he is how we knew about Aileen and since he 's someone who can attest to the fact that my mother 's computer was tampered with . I 'm sure that , with everything happening , they 'll just thank him for the help with the investigation . Right ? " " Yes . They definitely knew enough to impersonate a real person in an important position . I just wish we had something solid on them , you know ! " David slammed his hand on the table . " At this point , the police will only have our word for what 's going on . Would it even be enough ? " " Maybe . It 's more than nothing , right ? " I understood David 's worry , though . We did lack solid proof to back what we knew . However , we knew Marilyn Johnson and that she was dating a man named Sam … I was sure Roman could assist us and the police where it came to getting more information on them . " Thank goodness ! You two are staying at Blue Moon Lodge , right ? There has been a break in to your rooms ! Very recently , too . And when we weren 't able to reach your David , we began to think the worst . " " We got a call from your hotel . Apparently , a strange man was found in Mr . Collier 's room by one of the maids and when she asked him who he was , he introduced himself as Deputy Westen . She took his word , but told the check in clerk about it , and the clerk is actually a niece of the real Mr . Westen . So , they called us in - I 'm really sorry , but both of your rooms have been turned upside down . We 're at the hotel right now . I don 't know what this man was looking for , but he sure made a mess of things . How does he know you 're in town anyways ? " Rosswell winded down . " Of course , of course . Look , where exactly are you ? I want to send some of my men to you and bring you into the station . You should file a report - the man who broke in to you rooms matched the description you and David gave when you were here . Whenever we find him , I want as much on him as possible . And frankly , I 'm sorry Ms . Meadows , but I believe you and Mr . Collier might be in danger at this time . I would rather have you somewhere my people can protect you . " " We know who the killer is , Deputy , " I announced . " We 've almost ran into her and the man you are looking for . I can 't give you solid proof at this point , but her name is Marilyn Johnson and his name is likely Sam . I 'm sorry I don 't know any more … " " Are you kidding me ? ! You had a run - in with them ? ! Were you investigating on your own ? Young lady , do you know how much danger you were putting yourselves into ? ! That 's it . Where are you ? Stay there until my officers and I get there ! " The policeman sounded panicked . " You can go in , no one 's inside " the barista told me . " The man who was in there went outside for a smoke . Can you believe he tried to light up inside ? " He was outside ? ! Ok , calm down , Irene . There was nothing wrong with going outside . Only that there were real criminals in town , looking for us … " They broke into our rooms , David . The Deputy just called me . He 's saying he 's coming here with a patrol to get us to the station safely . I told him we ran into them and he totally flipped . He 's saying we 're probably in danger . " The words just kept spilling out of my mouth . David 's mouth dropped open . He motioned towards the front of the shop . Turning around , I saw two people coming up the stairs of the coffee shop : Fake Westen and Marilyn . " It 's ok , it 's unisex , no one will complain . Can you call the Deputy and tell him they 're here ? I think I left my phone in the car . " " They 're here , Deputy Rosswell . The Marylin and Sam I told you about are in this very coffee shop right now . We 're hiding out in the bathroom , so they haven 't seen us yet . " " Hang in there ! We 're already on the way . Try to avoid them if possible , and if you must confront them , make sure there are many witnesses , ok ? " " I wouldn 't be so calm about that . I think it 's time for you to stop using that pseudonym since you 're in Twinbrook now . Someone might catch on , " Marilyn replied disapprovingly . " It 's a big city , not some small town with only one police station . You tell them you 're the deputy , show the right paperwork - they think it 's true . People aren 't as smart as you think , Lyn . " " It was your choice to get as close as you did . I told you I 'll figure out a better way to get the key . You really didn 't have to sleep with him for it , " Sam continued . Sam laughed " Who ? The barista who just went on break ? Or the one who just slunk off to the backroom , with Netflix on her phone ? There 's no one in this café but us . " " Maybe . But I wanted to do it myself , is all , " Marilyn admitted , smugly . " So , did you at least find what you were looking for in that room ? " The silence that followed bordered on awkward . It seemed as if Sam wasn 't as comfortable with his girlfriend 's bloodthirsty side as he let on . Finally he muttered " Of course , of course . It only makes sense . And no , they don 't even have a computer with them . If anyone 's been snooping online for us , it 's most likely not one of them . " " I don 't know , Lyn . He seems pretty harmless . And it 's not like he 's important or anything . I say , let him get on that plane and get the hell out of here . One less problem for us , " Sam offered . " Are you kidding me ? ' Let him get the hell out of here ' ? ! ! ! After all the effort we 've put into bringing him here ? I don 't think so , " Marilyn sounded offended . " Well , what do you have in mind ? I do have that video of him breaking into his father 's office , but I fail to see how that will do much . He was hardly breaking any laws by being in his own father 's office . " " His records show anxiety , panic attacks , and a full on mental breakdown , Sam . It wouldn 't be too hard to set up an overdose from one of the usual medications for these conditions , " Marilyn proposed . " That would get him out of the way , for sure . " " Little bitch , don 't think I don 't know who you are . What , you think you 're going to get a piece of their money by cuddling up to him ? " Marilyn growled . " I hate the whole bunch of you . " " Well , the feeling is mutual , Marilyn . But guess what ? You 're a fucking murderer . And you are going to jail for what you did . Both of you , " I spat back , making sure her arms were restrained . I found myself glad that I 've started weight training with Lana all those months ago . Otherwise , I would have stood no chance against Marilyn right now . Sam however , was not going down without a fight . He seemed to understand that we overheard their conversation and he was giving it all to getting out of David 's hold . By the looks of it , David was going to be hurting all over for a while after this fight , provided we came out of it alive . Marilyn dropped the gun . She knew her game was over , just as Sam did . He got up to his feet with both hands raised . " Don 't shoot . We 'll cooperate . I 'll cooperate . " Deputy Rosswell cleared his throat . " Marylin Johnson , Samuel Carson , you are both under arrest for murder and fabrication . You have the right to remain silent . You also have a right to a lawyer . If you can 't afford a lawyer , one will be provided for you . " He paused for a second before adding , " Although we both know it would take a freaking miracle for you idiots for any defender to keep you out of jail . Now , get in the car . " " Hello , Mr . Collier , Ms . Meadows . I 'm sorry we couldn 't get here sooner . But those two are going to be under the strictest watch now . You can give me your statements later . Right now , you both need a doctor . " David and I just nodded . He was covered in bruises from his fight and my stomach hurt like I 've been ran over by a car . Marilyn had more strength than one would have expected from her and I 've experienced it on myself in the worst way . As we were taken to the hospital , I asked the deputy , who chose to ride with us , " So , is Selma Collier clear now ? They are the ones responsible for Lionel 's death . And for so many other things , it seems . I recorded their conversation at the shop - there is no way they can walk out of that one . " " Once they are booked , Selma is free to go . She 'll probably need to give her statements too and press her own charges . She was a victim of their activity as well . " He paused . " However , if she is proved to be involved with Lionel Collier 's criminal activities , she may need to stand trial , still . " We both gave our statements that same evening . My phone recording and Sam 's and Marilyn 's behavior at the coffee shop were enough to make the police book them on numerous charges and eventually , at their lawyer 's honest advice , they talked , admitting to all the crimes they 've committed . Also , even if they hadn 't , some footage surfaced from Lionel Collier 's hotel , which clearly showed Marilyn there with him . She had no one to blame but herself , of course . In a letter she wrote to David , which he dejectedly showed me that evening , she explained that she knew police will find incriminating things in the leaked files . She was involved in Lionel 's activities to a certain extent , after all . And she knew Dubai had no extradition treaties with our country . Besides , as she put it , after everything that happened , even if she didn 't have legal reasons to run , she would have anyways . She needed a fresh start . She hoped David understood . " I guess I just wanted a fresh start for both of us , you know . Mom and I never really saw eye to eye , but I hoped we 'll be able to come together in grief , or something . I guess it was too unrealistic to hope for it , though , " David admitted . " I 'm sorry . I can 't imagine what you must be feeling right now . But you know , you can always talk to me if you feel alone . I 'm here for you , " I reassured him . We were sitting on the floor in his motel room , trying to watch some old detective noir , but it wasn 't that great . So we just talked . " Didn 't deserve it ? Why ? You haven 't done anything wrong you know . If anything , if not for your decision to come here and investigate , these people will still be on the loose . I think we 've done society a favor , don 't you ? On January 15 , 2017 By ViolincatIn DIFT , Generation 2 , Our Different Paths , Sims 314 Comments " Good morning . Coffee ? " David offered as we prepared for our visit to Twinbrook Retirement Community . " Yes , please " I gladly accepted one of the two cups of the steaming drink . It was my idea to visit Ailene , but now that the visit was happening , I felt super jittery about it . A sugary energy boost was most welcome . " I 've checked out their website - it says visitors are welcome at any time . And generally , older people tend to make up earlier . I think we won 't be intruding if we go there around 10 am . Besides , I think we 'll need to ask the staff where to find Aileen , right ? Unless Roman told you which room is hers as well . Did he ? " " I 've just realized that I have no idea what Aileen looks like right now . I 've seen a couple of old family photos of her from the time when she was married to my grandfather , but that was years ago and I don 't even really remember what she looked like young . I literally will need to be told which one she is , because I won 't recognize her , " I explained . " I thought we decided I 'd be the only one to go in ? " I asked . I thought it would be less suspicious to Aileen if only one person came to visit her . Besides , we still didn 't know if she was connected to the events happening to David 's family . " I don 't want her to feel like we 're trying to intimidate her . And a one unfamiliar woman seems less threatening than two people coming in to see her . " " Not yet . But we left the station pretty late last night , I don 't know if they 've had enough time to check everything out . Their plate looks pretty full these days . " " Agreed . Well , it 's past 9 . We should go , right ? " I put away my finished drink and readied myself for the trip . Today was going to be busy , indeed . Finding the retirement home proved to be an easy task - it was located in a good part of town and the place looked more like someone 's mansion than a nursing home . It looked like a very pricey place to spend the twilight years . Whoever was paying for Aileen to live here certainly wasn 't sparing any expenses for her . David must 've thought the same , since he let out a low whistle . " That 's a pretty upscale place , I 'd say . I wonder how an abandoned ex - wife has enough money to pay for a stay here . " " I guess she could be our culprit after all , " I warned him quietly . A good hacking ability could certainly bring in a significant income . And Aileen did have a history of questionable activities in the past … " I 'm sure . We don 't know for sure if she is involved yet . It 's better if she doesn 't see you yet , " I reasoned with him , which he reluctantly accepted . Parking on the curb , we entered the building which , despite the undeniable grandeur , looked the way one would expect a retirement home to look . The wallpaper , the carpet , the sofas and armchairs … everything was very " elderly " . A few old men and women could be seen in the large living room , watching a soap opera without really paying attention . Another old man seemed to be staring into space . To be fair , despite the outward grandeur , the place seemed quite depressing . The residents present didn 't seem happy or unhappy . To be honest , they didn 't seem to really care about anything anymore , or to know what was going on . " Yes , actually , " I turned to her , while David took a seat in one of the sofas , " Would it be possible for me to speak with one of your residents ? I 'm working customer support for Twinbrook Central Pharmacy and we 're checking up on our long - time customers , to see if they like our service , if their medications arrive on time , this kind of thing . I 'm supposed to speak to her and have her sign a form where she verifies that I actually talked to her , instead of just saying I did . " She frowned " Well , today is not really a good day for that - as you can see , most of our residents are out on a field trip to the beach . We generally provide nature and shopping excursions several times a month . Most of the residents who are still in good health are out today . The ones you see here today are the ones who didn 't feel well - enough for a trip . " " Aileen ? " the lady , whose nametag read " Holly " looked surprised . " Of course she 's here . She never goes on these trips . For the same reason as them , " she nodded at the present residents . " I don 't know whether she 'll be able to answer your survey . She might , she might not . " " Alzheimer 's disease . An acute case of it . Most days , she barely recognizes the staff . Her niece pays for her stay here , since she never had her own children , and the girl visits her often enough , but I don 't know if she even recognizes her half of the time . It 's quite sad really . But she is in room 23 , if you want to see her . She might be sharp enough today , after all . " Thank you , " I mumbled and headed up the stairs . The place really did seem dedicated to making its residents ' lives comfortable . There were books , music players , chess sets , easels , and other hobby - related paraphernalia all over the place . Aileen 's room was right in the center of the hallway . I knocked to no response . To my surprise , when I tried it , the door was unlocked . But since this was a good neighborhood , I supposed there would be no need for heightened security . And it was safer if the door was open , in case of an emergency . Despite my previous idea , I did recognize Aileen , but barely . She did not age well and she looked even more unfocused than the guy downstairs . She was resting in bed , and she looked very frail . It was actually hard to believe that this was the same person who caused my mother 's family so much trouble . I stopped in my tracks : she called me by my mother 's name ! She thought I was Mom ! It wasn 't completely unreasonable - we did look alike enough , but still … " I know it was you who put dirt in my shoes yesterday . Did you think I wouldn 't know ? You really need to start acting your age , girl , " she continued . And her mind was seemingly still in the past … there was no way this woman could have committed a huge server hack . And I doubted she 'd be able to help me out much with any information . Perhaps we were following the wrong trail , after all . " Celeste , why aren 't you talking to me ? Are you angry at me ? " she asked . " I know you 're angry at me . Well , of course you are . You miss your mom . I can 't replace your mom . You don 't even let me try . " " Never accepted me as one of their own . At least I got enough money from that old fool , Brandon . Held me over for a while , until I found something better , " she continued . " Those dogs … they set off such a ruckus in there . Had to drug them to shut them up . They were certainly guarding their property . Ha ! Not well enough … " This got my attention . Our dogs were drugged on the night that Dad 's garden was destroyed and his research stolen . Was she the one responsible ? But then , why was there information about this in Lionel Collier 's server ? " … knew I should 've kept what I had to myself , but no , I wanted more money . And he never paid up . Said , he could put me in jail for breaking and entering if I made more demands … should 've kept the plants and the research to myself . Stupid Aileen … so very stupid … " I completely forgot the woman 's niece ! Of course , she 'd choose to come here today , when I was trying to pull out information from Aileen . Murphy 's Law ! I didn 't have time to get out of the room before I heard the door open . As fast as I could , I ran into the bathroom , hoping that they wouldn 't need to use it while I was hiding out . As soon as the door was shut behind me , I heard another woman enter the room . " Good afternoon , auntie , how are you doing today ? I brought some tangerines for you ! And those chocolates you love so much ! " I heard her say . " That 's wonderful ! You 're doing very well today . The last time I visited , you thought I was grandma , " the woman seemed sad about this . " You look so much like your grandma , dear . You have her eyes and her hair . She would 've been so happy to see you born , sweetie , " Aileen continued fondly . " She did ? That 's wonderful . So , how was your day ? Did you get married yet ? You should get married while you 're still young and pretty . It is much more difficult when you are older , " Aileen advised . Marilyn laughed . " Not quite yet , auntie , not quite yet . But we will eventually . You know Sam , he always keeps his word . Just like I do , auntie . " " Lionel Collier . He is exactly where he should be - dead . And the whole world knows what a scumbag he was . " Marilyn paused before added " You 've taught me well , you know . They all think that stupid bitch of his did it , too . There isn 't anything that can point the investigation to me . " I regretted not choosing to record this conversation , but I could barely make out Marilyn 's words out and I knew my phone 's recorder wouldn 't have caught them either . But I now knew who was responsible for Lionel 's death . Too bad I didn 't know what she looked like . But at this moment , my biggest concern was getting out of the room without the woman in the next room finding out about my presence . " But you don 't need to concern yourself about this any longer . Just rest now . Do you need anything ? A bath perhaps ? Or a makeover ? " Marilyn asked . " Oh , I see . Is she alone today or with Roger ? Well never mind , if you see grandma or grandpa , tell them hi . I 'll visit you in a couple of days , ok ? " Marilyn dismissed her aunt 's talk , making me think it wasn 't the first time that Aileen " saw " someone from her past here . " Take care , dear . And tell that Sam of yours that he should hurry and put a ring on it before you leave him for someone who does , " Aileen called after her niece , before the later left . Soon afterwards , I head unmistakable loud snores coming from the direction of Aileen 's bed . It was safe to leave my hiding space . Descending down the stairs on legs that seemed to be filled with lead after hiding out scared for the duration of Marilyn 's visit , I mused over this whole situation . I knew who the culprit was , but I had no proof of it . Nor did I know how the crime was accomplished , since Marilyn didn 't mention it . " Irene , there you are ! Are you ok ? She didn 't catch you in there , did she ? Please tell me she didn 't , " David rushed to me , pulling me into a bear hug . " Calm down , it is fine ! She didn 't see me . Why are you so shaken ? What happened ? " I calmed him down while taking in his worried appearance . Since we agreed it would be best for me not to see Aileen with her , as soon as she went upstairs , since I didn 't need a cigarette yet , I sat down in the common room with the residents and tried to pass the time surfing the web on my phone . I was trying to look up information about that detective guy that my mother was duped by , but I wasn 't finding anything . There was no information about a Detective Beau Henderson at all . Whoever set this whole thing up had their head in the game . " Hello , David . This is Deputy Rosswell from Twinbrook PD . Are you free to talk right now ? I have some information for you , " the older man 's familiar voice informed me . " Yes and no . We asked one of the local computer geniuses to scour the web for a detective Beau Henderson . It wasn 't an easy job , but it looks like your mother wasn 't lying about his existence . Or rather about her belief in his existence . She really shouldn 't have done business with the guy without ever meeting him , you know , " the deputy scolded . " Well , whoever she was in contact with , it wasn 't the guy in the photo from the website , which we barely managed to find from some cached information , since someone did a good job of trying to erase of signs of its existence from the world wide web . The picture on the website seems to be from some failed obscure TV show about a detective . Anyways , now that the existence of this website is verified , your mother has some leg to stand on , but it still doesn 't explain a lot , " he finished . " I see . Is there anything I could do to help her ? " I asked . I didn 't want my mother to end up in jail because of someone 's skill at framing . " Only if you could find the real killer , really . But there is another reason for my call . We 've heard back from Hidden Springs PD . They received our notice about the fake Deputy Westen and they are absolutely horrified that this man was able to have them fooled . Captain Vanderburg especially was furious . Also , he tells us that Fake Westen flew out of town already , before they were able to take him into custody . So , be on the lookout , Mr . Collier - this man could be here , for all we know . Also , keep our number on speed dial for the duration of your stay here . I 'm liking this case less and less and I would hate to have another murder happen while I 'm the deputy here , am I being clear ? " " Hello , Marilyn ! Here to see Aunt Aileen again ? You know , I wish more of our residents had relatives like you . I feel like Aileen gets more visits than any other resident here . " I made my way back indoors and peered around the corner at Marilyn . She wasn 't anyone I 've seen before , as I would 've recognized such bright red hair instantly . Her smile was infectious . " Oh , thank you , … . You know Aunt Aileen has always been like a mother to me . I hate to think she won 't be with me for much longer , but I 'm trying to make the most of my time with her . Even if her mind isn 't as great as it used to be . Is she awake yet ? " Marilyn beamed at the nurse . " Of course not ! I was thinking of buying some baubles for my aunt soon anyways . I 'll go see her , " Marilyn smiled at the worker once again before heading up the stairs . After what seemed to be an eternity , Marilyn came downstairs with , what I could only assume to be , a smile on her face . I was staying out of her line of sight , trying to figure out why , despite her pleasant appearance , this woman gave me the creeps . As soon as she exited the building , I made my way to the closest window with a view of the walkway outside , and doing my best to hide , tried to see where she went . A chill and a realization ran through me . This man impersonated a police deputy to get me to come to Twinbrook and here he was , making out with the niece of the woman we suspected to be involved in the crime . Irene and I were on the right trail . Irene ! She was still upstairs and I had no idea if she was alright or not … " Sam , his real name must be Sam . Marilyn mentioned she was seeing a guy named Sam to her Aunt . I spent the duration of her visit hiding out in Aileen 's bathroom . By the way , Aileen isn 't our culprit - she is really sick these days . And also , you might want to sit down for this one , " she urged me . " Not Aileen , but Marilyn sure did . It 's her , David . She 's the killer . She told Aileen about it . Apparently , Aileen was cheated out of money by your father - money for robbing my father ! And now , Marilyn considers it her duty to exact some weird revenge against your family . She did it , David . She admitted it , " Irene managed to get out before her legs gave out and she caught the couch to steady herself . Once on the couch , she started shaking . She gave a weak chuckle before explaining " It just hit me that I was literally in the same room as the killer . You should 've heard her . She talked about it like killing someone is such a normal thing . I 'm sorry , I 'm babbling now , but I guess I never imagined a situation where I 'd actually run into the person who did it . I 'm sorry . " " You have nothing to be sorry for . I 'd feel the same in your shoes . Well … that explains why that woman game me such creeps , then , " I reassured her . " Kind of tall , slender , very red hair . Pretty , if you ignore the major creep vibes she gives off , " I tried to describe the woman to the best of my ability , wishing that I had snapped a picture of her . " I know I can create an identikit for her , if I have to , for the police . " " That 's good . We should do that . We should go there right now , to tell the police what we know , " Irene jumped to her feet . |
I was extremely lonely through the week . I looked forward to Wednesdays and the weekends . When I didn 't have the boys for that weekend , I would leave work on Friday , hop on the bus from work to the downtown depot and take the train into the city . Then , once I was in the city , I would walk 6 blocks to the Randolph station and take that train to University Park where Brian would be waiting for me . Then we would spend the weekend together . Sometimes , we would spend Sunday in Chicago , that way all I would have to do is catch the train from Union Station to go home . This became a regular routine for us . A routine that I was enjoying and looking forward too . I did this every other weekend from the time I moved in my apartment until I moved out . By the time Thanksgiving rolled around , I was already without a job . I was also about to loose my apartment if I couldn 't pay the rent , and I was about to loose my attorney . Since the Verizon job was only temporary , I was let go . I struggled to find another job . It was becoming more and more difficult to use the bus as a means of transportation to look for jobs . It would pretty much take me all day just swapping buses to get to my destination . I would walk to most of the local places . The store , bank , McDonald 's , and even the movie theater . I was becoming quit the independent gal . It was a whole new world for me . After all , this is what I wanted , right ? Yes , but with the kids . During that first hearing , my attorney set up a date and time that let me go back to my old house and write down all things that I wanted from there . Things that were very important to me . Memories that I had made throughout the 7 years of blissful marriage . NOT ! Just all the important things like , books my mom gave the boys . The outfits they came home in . Pictures and my baby books . And things that I had received as a child from grandparents , and my dad . Well , when the day arrived , it was so cold , wet and rainy that I didn 't go . It was also dark , and I didn 't want to walk there in the dark . Needless tWhen I was able to finally talk to my attorney about what had happened , and asked her if what he did was wrong , she said absolutely he was wrong . The boys should 've stayed with me for the entire Thanksgiving weekend starting with Wednesday night and actually ending on Sunday at 6pm , my normal visitation schedule . She went on to say " when the parent who has the kids for the holiday , they have them for the entire weekend of that holiday , regardless of who 's regular visitation weekend it falls on . " She also wanted to point out that , the order does state " not limited too " just those hours that is on the order . Which means , that I am " not limited " too just the 6pm drop off time on Wednesday and the pick up time on Sunday at 6pm . The phrase " not limited too " would be a phrase that I would use for the next 6 years when explaining to T that I am not just limited too the times on the order . My attorney said that she would make sure that his attorney would know what happened , and to please make sure that he is told how to follow an order . But , that conversation , as far as I am concerned N E V E R took place . If it had , I wouldn 't have had to deal with the same crap for the next 7 years . After my parents left , I pretty much packed up my things and moved in with Brian . I don 't know why I didn 't stay , look for a job and make things work in Dundee . I don 't know , I can 't answer that . Maybe , at the time I just needed a new start . A fresh start . I needed to be in a different place . I couldn 't bare the thought of me being in the same town as my kids , within walking distance of them and not be able to see them everyday . Not have a relationship with them . It was hard for me . I had been pretty much abandoned by my family . My parents were driving me crazy , and I had other family that thought I was an alcoholic and drug addict . . and pretty much believed everything that T told them . Eventually , he turned them against me . It would be years before I would be able to repair what he had done . Even to this day , I still thinI didn 't let this incident slip by without writing it down in my journal . Brian and I celebrated Christmas and New Year with his family . It was nice . They made me feel very welcome . I never felt out of place with them . Which I loved . Not to mention , it was a good distraction . But , it was still sad . I missed my boys . I wrote in my journal that night ; Dear Cody , Brandon , Austin and Dalton , Merry Christmas ! I miss you so much . I hope that you had a nice Christmas . I hope that Santa brought you everything that you wished for this year . I know that it has been a hard year for you , but I hope that with the new year , it will bring better times for us . Always remember , no matter how far away I am , no matter what you hear , I love you always and forever . Happy New Year . . . . and welcome 2001Love Mommy I also sent them a Christmas card , which contently was returned " no such address . " This would also be something that I would get use to seeing over the years . And yes , if your wondering , I still have that card too . The new year would hopefully be a much better one for me and for my kids . Or so I hoped . Brian and I were doing well . Things progressed with us quickly . I guess it had to , we now lived together , and I wasn 't going anywhere this time . I was on a mission this time too , I was looking for a job . It would take me 6 months before I landed a job . I needed a job really bad . I wasn 't able to pay the child support that my attorney volunteers me for with my " temporary " job . So I was in arrears 's with that . I also lost my attorney because I couldn 't keep up the payments with her . So I needed a job like yesterday . I was on a pretty good schedule with visitation by now . We were still on the every other weekend schedule , but since I lived to far away , I decided I would forfeit my Wednesday nights . I would try and call during our separation time , but I would just get the answering machine . I would leave a message and never return my calls . Anyway , I looked forward to my visits with my kids . And they looked forward to them too , so they said . I knew by some of things they would say , and the attitudes I would get , they their dad was putting things in the little heads . This was all part of his sinister plan to sabotage my visits with the kids . Which worked for a little while . Until I finally caught on to it . But after I would take the boys home early on Sundays because oneSoon after I started my job , we had another court date . But this time I was going in without my attorney . I decided that I couldn 't afford another one so I was going to represent myself . Yep , all the schooling that attorneys go to , the tests they have to take to pass the BAR . . . yep , they had nothing on me . I didn 't need to pass the BAR , this was simple common sense stuff . I went to the library , I sat in the courtroom in Kankakee to watch and listen . I did research , I started to enjoy all of it . This was easy . I was even able to talk to T 's attorney . Which didn 't last long , T fired him after he found out he was giving me " inside " information . It wasn 't so much inside information , his attorney didn 't understand why T was out to nail me to the wall . I wasn 't the one who had committed adultery 2x , or accused of rape . His attorney and I talked , and we tried to figure it out . He was a super nice guy , he didn 't need to be an attorney . I believe in my heart that he wanted to do the right thing by me and the kids and T wasn 't going to have any of it . He wanted me wiped out and I didn 't know why . After he fired his " nice " attorney , he hired a very cocky , hard assed attorney that had a reputation like the devil . He was Italian , stocky guy with and an arrogant attitude . He would chew you up and spit you out like it was nothing . I didn 't like him at all . But thought , he 's a cutie ! No , really I did . Not only did I think that , but I also thought I might be able to use that to my advantage . If I tried to flirt with him in a not so noticeable way . . . . . . . . ya forget about it ! This guy was smooth ! I think that 's what I liked about him though . He chewed gum with an attitude , propped his leg up on the chair with the confidence ofdictator . He walked with a swagger . . . . he was one good looking guy ! I grew to hate him very quickly . And I knew he was getting paid to make me look like the bad guy . When I wasn 't the bad guy at all . When I found out that my Uncle ( yes the one I stayed with , the one that gave me that contract to sign ) thaThat court date didn 't go well at all either . Even though , I did what I practiced , and tried to remember all the episodes of " The Practice " how could I go wrong ? Before the court date , I would receive more accusations from T . . . . one stating that I " contumaciously , willfully and knowingly " failed to pay child support ( the first round from the attorney that volunteered me with a temp job ) and now I was in arrears 's $ 7000 . 00 and that jail time was possible because it was considered " contempt of court . " Okay , those words " jail time " scared me to death and " contempt . . . " Holy crap ! So I went back to the library and did some research to defend myself . I was able to find some sort of defense with that , since I wasn 't working and I didn 't know , at that time , to contact the Child Support division about my joblessness . NOT that it would 've done any good . I was able to establish a better visitation schedule with the boys . Being awarded summer visitation , and the times were more clear . FOR HIM to understand . However , they screwed that up too . Which worked in my favor , just one time . When his new attorney gave the " new " orders to his secretary to write up , she conventleywrote that I can pick up the kids at 6am on Friday and drop them off on Sunday at 6pm . Boy , you better believe I took full advantage of that . I went to pick the kids up at school one day , with order in hand , it clearly says my time starts at 6am , therefore it was now on my clock . . . . T of course threw a fit . He showed up at the school with a cop , and the cop told him that if the court order says 6am , then she has them starting at that time . I was able to leave with the boys that day from school . Ha - ha , sucker ! ! ! ! It didn 't take long before I receive another notice of motion in mail to correct the times on a previous court order . . . . the times were back from Friday at 6pm to Sunday at 6pm . Grrrrrr . . . . . . . ! ! ! ! He said we can leave it at 6am if you would like to come pick up the kids and take them to school then . . . of course that wasn 't going to On the charge of contempt , we find the defendant , ( which was me ) guilty . But the Plaintiff doesn 't seek jail time . The defendant will pay back the arrears 's in the amount of $ 50 . 00 per pay period . Which will be set up through the courts . defendant has secured a full time job with Kankakee Community College , the amount of her net pay . . . . bla bla bla . . . . therefore defendant will pay the sum of $ 645 per month which will be $ 322 . 50 per pay period with the amount of the arrears 's is a total of $ 347 . 50 per pay period . This will also be set up through the courts and automatically taken from her check each pay period . T was also asking that I pay for child care for the twins too . . . . . which was ludicrous , since I was already paying child support . But , wouldn 't ya know it , I was ordered to pay ½ of the day care expenses too . Oh , this just keeps getting better . Remember the car that was repoed ? Well I was also ordered to pay ½ of that too . But the court didn 't have the " right " to say how much a month I was to pay , but that ½ was my responsibility . I would have to call the credit union where it was financed and get the ½ that I owed and make arrangements with them . I only paid $ 5 . 00 a month on that . He couldn 't do a dang thing about that . In the end I would end up paying close to $ 800 per month in child support . I would be working 40 hours a week to bring home $ 400 a month . I didn 't get any sympathy . I had moved away , and I lived with my boyfriend . Which for some reason the judge didn 't like . " Well , at least I didn 't rape anyone . " Posted by Moving in with Brian was a big deal . I needed a place to live , a roof over my head . My parents lived in Tennessee , and I wasn 't about to move that far away from my kids . At least being in Kankakee , I was just an hour ½ drive to them . I had no other options . So I just showed up at his house one afternoon . By this time he had changed hours , and was working days . When he got home , that 's when I told him that I had no place to go . I needed to stay with him for a while . He was OK with that . When I moved in with Brian , I didn 't no what to expect . We had only known each other since April . But from that 2nd day , when I drove to Kankakee to see him , we seemed to be together every time we had the chance . I would drive down to his house almost every Friday night after I knew T was getting the kids . So we had 2 months together , and now I was moving in with him . I called my attorney and let her know my whereabouts , since she was the only one who needed to know . But eventually , I had to tell her that I was living with a friend , who just happen to be a man . We were not exactly an item , just yet . We hadn 't officially called each other " boyfriend " or " girlfriend . " He would joke and say we were just roommates with benefits . He 's so funny ! She didn 't seem to think that me living with a friend that happen to be man was a big deal . Well , if she did , she sure didn 't tell me that it was an issue , or that it might pose an issue later on . It had been 2 weeks since I was made to leave my home , and I was suppose to go to court for that order of protection , but since I had an attorney , she was going to take care of all that court stuff for me . When she did , she and T 's attorney came up with a schedule for me to see the kids . I hadn 't seen them for 2 weeks , or since that incident . I was sad , and missing my babies . Later I would find out , that after the 2 weeks was up , and since my name was still on the lease , I would 've moved back in . But , that was something my attorney failed to tell me . Go figure ! It would take over another monI would drive back and forth to see the boys every other Saturday . I hadn 't exactly felt comfortable with bringing them to Kankakee just yet . After all T was not exactly OK with the idea and he fought me every time I tried so I just let it go , and went and saw the boys every other Saturday , well until my car was repoed . Those trips I tried to make meaningful . I would take them to the park , or McDonald 's or the library . I was that " visiting " parent and it was hard to just be " that . " It made me sad every time I had to leave them . I stopped off at another Aunt 's house one day to let the boys play with her kids . While I was their , I remember my Uncle asking me , what makes me think that my relationship with Brian was going to work , when my relationship with T didn 't . I honestly didn 't know how to answer that . . . but I wish I would 've said " what makes you think it won 't . " But I didn 't , I just let it go . I would always take pictures of my boys too . Places were we went , and what we did . I would also come back home and journal about the day , and what we did . I also made sure I wrote down how the transition was during drop offs and pick ups . I would journal about things the boys would say , and if they had a bad attitude or gave me a hard time . But that was very rare . They really never did give me a hard time , that wouldn 't happen until waylay later on down the road . One time , when I was dropping them off at T 's house , I was getting things out of the trunk , and Cody jumped in it and started to cry and say he wanted to go with me , and he wasn 't going to get out of the trunk . That killed me . My heart broke when I saw him do this . My son was hurting , and T didn 't seem to care , he didn 't even know that what he was doing was hurting our boys . But eventually , Cody got out , but not without a fight . As I held him , I would make sure that he knew that I was coming back and we would have another day together . But to a little 7 year old , that means forever . ( I am so sorry Cody that you hurt so bad . ) I was finally getting comfortable in the place where I was . Brian and I were in a good place . However , I wasn 't working , and I had no money . I was being a mooch , I guess . But I couldn 't help it . . . what was I going to do ? During one night in July we had a knock on the door . I got up to answer it , it was a repo company , they were taking my car . The car that I trusted T was taking care of . Boy was I stupid . I should 've known . So they told me to take out of it what I wanted and gave me a number of where it was going to be sitting . I was devastated , that was my only transportation to and from my boys , now what ? I couldn 't believe that he was doing this to me . But , it was just another one of his plans . Now , not only was I homeless ( sorda ) and jobless , I was now car - less . Life was just great ! ! ! ! NOT ! ! Although things were going well with me and Brian , he thought that it would a better if I moved back up north to Dundee , so I could get a job and get myself back on track . Obviously , I wasn 't going anywhere sitting at his house . I understood his reasons , but I was still hurt , sad and not ready for that step yet . For the last few months , I was someone else . And I didn 't exactly want to leave that . But I did . On August 19 , 2000 Brian drove me up to Elgin where I moved in with my aunt and uncle . It was a very sad day . I didn 't want to stay there , and I didn 't want to leave Brian . He had been the best thing that had happened to me the last 4 months . . . it was going to be hard to leave that . He helped my uncle bring my things into the house , then they gave us some privacy to say goodbye . We both cried . I didn 't think that he was capable of that , but he did . Then he drove away . I didn 't know if or when I was ever going to see him again . Once I moved in with my aunt and uncle , they let me settle in for the weekend , before they made me sign a contract with them . Yes , I said a contract . But I will get to that in a minute . The next day was Sunday , and I wanted to see my boys . My uncle had made arrangements for T to meet us at church witIt wouldn 't be until the next year when we would have another court date . By then , so much would change . Posted by I don 't exactly remember when I purchased my computer , if it was after he left , or right before . Nonetheless , I had my hands on an open invitation to a whole new world . The Internet was new to me . I had never actually logged into AOL or a chat room , but once I did I found myself hooked . It was so fun to sit and chat with people all over the world . I was able to travel with my imagination into other places without leaving the confines of my chair at home . After T moved out , and I knew that separation and divorce were awaiting us , I was moving on . I will admit , I may have gone about moving on in a whole different way then some would , but I was still young . I was lonely , and I was looking for a friendship . I was looking in all the wrong places . I did start talking to a few guys , one in Jacksonville FL and one in New Orleans . I am going to be honest too , yes , I wanted to meet these guys . But I never did . The chats would be as far as it would go . The guy in New Orleans was an attorney , so he was interesting to talk too . Although lived in New Orleans , he did try and give me some divorce advice . The conversation with him , or the chats with him didn 't amount to anything but idol chit - chat . Same with the guy in Jacksonville . It was very interesting however , to talk to so many different people . I bought a scanner to scan pictures of me so that I when I am talking to someone , they could see who I was . It was a good way for me to see who I was talking to as well . But not everyone had a picture posted . So that made it difficult . T and I were still on the same schedule , he would come to sit with the boys while I worked , and leave when I came home . I wasn 't to educated on how the whole computer thing actually worked , so I didn 't know how to erase history or anything , but leaving him alone in the house with my computer would turn disastrous for me . Little did I know , T was already trying to bust me out on anything and everything he could . I was so naive , that I didn 't think twice about what he was capable of . He had been a wuss oAfter he left , I went back to bed . It was still early and the boys were still in bed . It was also Sunday morning , and I knew that it wouldn 't be long before they would be up . T was suppose to come pick them up for the day . . . . so I knew that I had to have them ready . By the time T arrived , I had the boys ready to go . I think that we had a few words too while he was there , I think he wanted to know who was at the house last night . I couldn 't exactly lie , since he knew someone was there , but I wasn 't about to say who . I just said a friend , and left it at that . After he left , I took a shower and made that phone call to Brian . I told him I was coming to see him , and which exit was it once I got into Kankakee ? With that , I was on the road . It took me 1 ½ hrs to get there . Once I did , I didn 't feel nervous or scared . It felt right . It felt comfortable . It felt like home . But why was I feeling this way , this is crazy . This won 't work . I kept telling myself . When I pulled up at his house . It was exactly as he had described it . The lawn was perfect , which was a plus . I always had to remind T to mow the lawn or trim the bushes . Or , if he didn 't I would have to do it . So when I saw that Brian 's lawn was manicured and the bushes were trimmed , I knew that I liked this guy . He welcomed me into his house . I was taken back at how well maintained it was . How clean and well decorated . Either he had really good taste , he was gay , or he was married before . Well , one out of three . . . . he just had really good taste ! He had it all . A pool , jacuzzi , a boat . But honestly , that all did nothing for me since I had all that growing up as a kid . So that wasn 't impressive and certainly didn 't lure me to him by any means . Even if he didn 't have all that , I still would 've fallen for this guy . After he showed me around , we talked more . Then he said that he had to work tonight and had to leave at 10pm . I said that was fine , that I would leave when he did , if that was OK . He said that he did have to sleep before he left , and I said that was fine too . Somewhere in here , I quit my job at First Card , or I was let go . . . . not really sure . . . but nonetheless , I wasn 't working anymore . One night , while I was at home , alone . . T had come and picked up the boys and took them to his parents house , which again was very odd since it was a school night and Cody had to be up for school . But thought nothing of it . I got comfortable , and put my pj 's on and watched TV . Then I heard a knock on the door . I opened it to see two police officers asking to come in . They had an order of protection , and that I needed to get a few things that I needed and then I had to leave the house . ( I think this happened near the end of my early June . ) This was the last time I was ever in that house again . If I would 've known I would have tried to grab more things , like my baby books , some photo albums and a few other mementos . Oh , and more clothes . For the next 2 weeks I stayed with my aunt , an old friend of the family and then eventually , on June 13 , 2000 , I moved in with Brian . Posted by It would be a few months before we were actually able to move out of the apartment . So , T started his job with the park district , and I stayed home with the boys . Then in June 1998 , I finally had my tubes tide . We were finished having babies . Our hands were full , and we were happy with the 4 little guys we had . It was a fun year . Four boys running around our little apartment . Once the twins started moving around , the pressure was on to find another place to live . I was on a mission , I had to find another place for us to live . A place with hopefully more room , and preferably a house and not an apartment . I finally found one in Carpentersville around the start of the fall school year . Cody would be in kindergarden and I needed to have him settled in a place before the start of school . He started kindergarden at Meadowdale Elementry . It was great , my cousin also had a daughter the same age as Cody , and they were in the same class . We moved in shortly before the start of school . I signed Brandon up for pre - school through the Park district . And for a few ours during the day , it was just me and the twins . My days were very busy . When I was at home , I would do laundry and clean . Then I would have to turn around and pick up the boys from school . On the weekends , T would take the kids out to his parents to hang out . I would go from time to time . Things were still very uneasy with us , and I still didn 't fit in with them . Luckily I was keeping myself busy , I picked up a part time job at Kohls . One weekend , my dad was in town , and he stopped by to visit with us . Unfortunalty , I had to work that evening , and was unable to visit with him . But he stayed with T and the boys . Before I left , I had asked T to take the clothes that I had folded on our bed , and please help the boys put them away . I was asking him to help the boys learn how to put their own clothes away . My dad heard me ask him this simple little task . By the time I got home , all the toys were everywhere , and the clothes that I had folded up earlier that day , were scaAs I started feeling this burst of independence , I also I wanted to loose weight , so I started working out in the mornings after I would take Cody to school . But I was also having a hard time getting my self motivated in the mornings . I would cry over the strangest things , but thought nothing of it . I wasn 't getting home until 11 : 30 at night , and trying to get to bed before 12 : 30 was impossible . I needed some downtime . By doing this , I couldn 't get up in the morings . . . I was dragging . Eventually , Cody was gettting himself up and ready for school and he even started walking to school . I would wake up in enough time to get Brandon to pre - school , but I didn 't feel like walking him up the stairs to the door . It was becoming so much work to take the twins out and walk up this flight of staris . So I would just drop Brandon off and watch him as he made it to the doors . Eventually , the teachers would call T and tell them what I was doing . He told me that I had to walk Brandon to the doors . . . . whatever ! ! So I did . I just didn 't know what was happening to me . I mean how stupid was this . I was watching him up the stairs . . give me a break . He was safe , I was watching him . It was November 1999 Cody turned 6 and the twins were 2 . I was falling apart . I was miserable . I was playing the part of the good house wife who had it all together , but deep down inside I was crying for help . I was looking for something , but just didn 't know what . I knew that I was in a loveless marriage . For new years his mom gave us to wine glasses and a bottle of wine to toast in the new year . I honestly think something was in the wine . Because once the new year hit , I was falling off my rocker . I was going in so many directions I didn 't know if I was coming or going . My marriage with T had been falling apart for years now , I was just going through the motions . ( it was a curse that she put on me . . . just kidding . But one would wonder ) In February I decided that I needed to work less hours and try to figure out what was wrong with me . I Decided that I needed to talk to someone . So I found a therapist . Needless to say I went one time and never went back again . When I told her what I was experienceing , and told her how my husband wasn 't showering like a normal human being , she looked at me and said , " sounds like it might just be you . " She went on to say , " that her husband didn 't shower everynight either . . . . " I never went back to her again . I convinced myself that his mom found out I was going to see this therapist and she paid her to tell me this stuff just to make it sound like I was crazy . Well it didn 't work . Yes , I knew that something wasn 't right with me , but I knew that a normal human being would shower on a daily basis . I was at least doing this on my own . I was functioning . Stupid therapist . By this time , I was crying over everything , but found that working out was paying off . I was starting to look better and feel a little better too . T and I were actually starting to enjoy each other . He would wait up for me and I would bring Taco Bell home for us . We sat and talked about our marriage . We talked about where we were going and not going . I told him I felt like I was stuck , trapped and I needed space . It was a sad moment . I tried to hold on as long as I could . I wasn 't holding on for me , I was only doing it to prove his mom wrong . I didn 't want her to win . But , that was all over . I was thinking differently . I was finally snapping out of whatever it was I was snapping out of , and I was feeling like I needed to be free . I needed out ! I was honest with him and told him that I wanted out of this marriage . But he begged me not to leave him . He was crying , begging . " I love you " he said . Whatever I need to do I will do . I told him it was too late . I needed room to breathe . I was discovering that we were both going into 2 different directions , and I wanted something different . It was time for a change . Our marriage was over . It would beAngie The military had come and packed up all of our stuff for us , which was a great thing . They moved it straight to his parents house in Illinois . Which was a bad thing . Which was also were I was going to stay until I found a place of my own . ( a very bad thing ) After the wedding , we drove through Tennessse , were my parents had been living now for a few months . We stayed the night , but we couldn 't stay long , T was on a tight schedule . ( little did I know at that time , how tight his schedule really was ) After T left us in Illinois , I didn 't waste any time before I packed up my little minivan with all that I could , and me and my boys took off . I wasn 't going to stay with them . It just didn 't feel right . I didn 't feel comfortable . I didn 't exaclty get that litte warm fuzzy feeling and I wasn 't going to tolerate that uneasy feeling from them . So , I left and didn 't say a word . I was moving to Tennessee with my parents . It didn 't take long for me to find an affordable place for me in Tennessee . I moved us into a nice little duplex and once again made it a home . Even with all my stuff in boxes in his parents garage in Illinois . We only needed the basics . Besides , I was expecting T to be home with in a few months anyway , and we could just go get our stuff . I wasn 't going to move back to Illinois . I was going to make it work in Tennessee , and he would either be in or out . By May , I was anxious for him to come home on leave . I was expecting him to come the weekend of Memorial Day . But he said that he wasn 't able to take leave being that it was so close to his release date . I thought that was a little odd . But again , didn 't think much of it . What did I know about the rules of the military . Later , I would find out , that during Memorial Day weekend , he did take leave . He went to New York City . But I never found out with who . Thing just kept gettting better . After I found out about his little trip to NYC , I kept asking him about his release date . He never had an answer for me . Just that they haven 't started his paperwork yet . I let tAngie I was 19 years old with a 10 day old baby , traveling alone . I was becoming very independent quit quickly . I had too . I was left with no other options . Cody was 10 days old when he took his first flight . He was such a good baby on the flight too . He slept most of the way . It was a long flight . I had a lay over in Dallas , and my parents were expecting me in Ft . Lauderdale . The flight was going to be delayed . There were no cell phones back then , so I couldn 't exactly call and let them know . But it all worked out just fine . When they arrived at the airport , they were aware of the delay . Both my parents were worried and excited all at the same time . When I finally arrived in Ft . Lauderdale , it was around midnight . But all I remember was the look on my parents face when they saw me for the first time as a mom . My dad just took the car seat the Cody was in and looked at his face , and just cried . Those were tears of joy , and happiness . They were proud grandparents . They just took him and loved him up . It was a wonderful moment . I was back where I belonged . With my parents that loved both of us . My mom had a room all set up for us . She even bought Cody a crib with all the cute little bedding . We were home . It just felt right . Time flew by and before we knew it , it was Christmas . T wasn 't allowed to take leave for Christmas since he had taken extra leave a month earlier for the birth of Cody . But he would be home for spring . Cody received gifts from his grandparents in Illinois . I received nothing . I did send them a Christmas card with a picture of Cody . But that was it . I didn 't think they deserved anything . But I was trying to do the right thing , whatever that was . Spring time rolled around and I was anxious to find out where T was going to be stationed . I didn 't plan on staying with my family long . I knew that once T was finished with all the training , he would be stationed somewhere . The day that I found out he was going to be sent to Japan for a year , unacompanied , I was devistated . I couldn 't believe that once again , we were going to be seperated . But now , it was for an entire year . I was more upset that I had to continue staying with my parents . ( remember , I didn 't want to move to Florida , and I didn 't want to live with my parents ) but , I guess that 's what I get , right ? During February of that year , 1993 , I flew to North Carolina , where he was finishing up some schooling . It was a fun trip . For the first time I was able to see what type of things he had been doing . What the base looked like , what I had to look forward too . I found out a lot of other things too . I had noticed that he had become a heavy drinker , and a smoker . He denied the smoking , but later I would bust him out on that with a picture he sent me . Anyway , I didn 't like this " single " lifestyle that he portrayed himself as . I thought he wasn 't being all that truthfull with me either . But I overlooked a lot of things and just enjoyed the short time we had together . A few weeks after I left North Carolina , T came home before he was shipped off to Japan for a year . It was nice to have him around . We made the most of our time . And we had our first family picture made during the time he was home . One day , while I was cleaning up his bags , and folding clothes , I came across some letters . I opend them . They were written in his handwritting , and they were not to me . They were too antoher girl . A girl named Allison . ( I do remember her last name , but to be on the safe side I will not mention it ) Anyway , the letters were very explicit and very detailed . This young women , whom he met in San Diego , seemed to have made quit the impression on the new father , and married man . He told her that he " wasnt " married , and that he was very lonely . He went on to thank her for such a wonderful night at the beach . The bonfire , and the closeness he felt . That he had never felt this way about anyone ever . " Really , ummm hello . . . . you have a wife ! " I confronted T about this and he had the balls to lie to me . ( red flag ) He said that the letters I found were not his , he didn 't write them . That he wrote them for a friend who just didn 't know how to express his feelings . Bull crap ! I wasn 't buying any of it . How was I suppose to feel ? What was I suppose to do ? There I was , a new mom , a wife , and I was already facing my husband and his infidCody was growing up fast . I wrote down every single milestone in his baby book . I kept up with all his " firsts . " I made a video of him and sent it to T too . He was a great baby . I loved being a mom . My parents were supporting me and my son . I wanted to work , but my mom had made it clear that if I had a job , she wanted to be paid to watch Cody . I thought that was a dirty thing to do . So I decided not to work . However , I wasn 't getting any money either from T . He was suppose to send me money when he got paid . We even set up a bank account for me so when he got paid he could just deposit it in the account for me . But that never happened . I would be lucky if I receive $ 100 a month . And he would send it Western Union , which cost a lot more to do . I tried to make it simple for him . But as I would find out , he hadn 't told the Marine corp that he was a married man with a child . ( red flag ) my dad was finally getting tired of him not sending money , so my dad called up a few people . And whatya know , I started receiving money on a regulare basis . I don 't understantd why he didn 't tell the Marine Corp he was married , but he didn 't . In October of 1993 , his cousin was getting married . So I decided to go . I packed up Cody and we flew in for the wedding . I was nervous , I knew his parents were going to be there , and I hadn 't spoken to them since the day I left almost a year ago . On the day of the wedding , I was dressed really nicely , and I made sure that Cody looked his best too . We sat next to his aunt . As we chatted , and they talked to Cody , in walks his paremts . They sat right behind us . They didn 't even make eye contact . They didn 't talk to me or even acknowledge Cody . This was a sad moment , and honestly , wasn 't expected . Cody even dropped a toy and they didn 't even bother to pick it up and hand it to him . I was stunned ! After the wedding , as everyone was heading to the reception , his aunt approached me and asked if I wanted to leave Cody at GG 's . I wasn 't sure that I wanted to do that , given that I didn 't really trust his pAngie |
Until Cora was five or six months old , we never left home with her . OK , sometimes Cliff would go someplace , but not me . We were afraid to take a baby anywhere : What if she cried ? What if she had a dirty diaper ? What if she got hungry ? Remember , our children were born in 1967 and 1969 . We were bulletproof back then , willing to tackle any challenge . These days , not so much . Finally , the time came when I wanted to go to Sam 's Club and Walmart in the middle of the week . Cliff said , " But what about all the germs ? " Geesh . " She 'll be fine , " I told him . " The baby will love seeing people and being in a strange place . Just you wait and see . " He wasn 't thrilled about the prospect , but we fastened her in the car seat and headed toward the big city . It was great ! People fawned over our pretty little girl . Some guy even told Cliff , " Your granddaughter looks just like you . " He was hooked , and ready to take Cora anywhere . But things have taken a turn . Last week we took the Little Princess to do some shopping with us and it wasn 't so easy . I placed her in the seat of the shopping cart and she immediately started twisting around , trying to get out of there . Cliff and I secured her with the safety belt . As I looked at my grocery list , she had hands and feet outstretched , trying to knock things off the shelves . She hollered at the top of her lungs . . . not crying , just happily shouting . People gave us some very strange looks , especially when I was pushing my cart in an erratic manner . Keep in mind we were at Blue Springs Walmart , which is an experience in itself . " The kid distracts me , " I told them . It took an hour to do what would normally have been twenty minutes of shopping . Later on that evening when Cora had gone home , I told Cliff , " You realize , don 't you , that when our kids were that age , if they had behaved that way she did , we would have slapped their hands . And if they had cried , we would have taken them outside and spanked them . Yes , at the age of one year . " " I ain 't spankin ' her , " Cliff said . " Me neither . Next time we go shopping , it will be without her . " And that 's the way it will be . You 've seen me bemoaning the condition of my garden and complaining about my lack of tomatoes to can . Once the garden got out of control and the tomatoes all got ugly black spots on them , I gave up . Every time I glanced toward the garden , all I saw was ugly tomatoes and weeds , so I avoided even looking at it . The weeds , of course , only get worse with time . I have a lovely crop of morning glory climbing over , around , and through everything . So depressing . This is what happens when you look only at the bad , whether in the garden or in life . I was taking scraps to the chickens after dinner , and looked at the garden , ashamed . I saw all the things wrong with it . And then I realized there were quite a few red tomatoes on those neglected plants , and decided to give them a closer look . Most of the fruits on the upper parts of the plants are free of the ugly spots . Four of the plants are bearing puny little tomatoes , but if I canned them , they would go in the jars easily . The closer I got to the garden , the more red tomatoes I saw . I went out with a milk bucket and came back with it full . I took another bucket out and got quite a few in that one , too . I guess I had better get in there and start canning . There is a lesson here : As long as you are expecting to see bad things , whether it 's in a weedy garden , a situation , or a person , that 's what you will see . Look a little closer , look for the good , and you might find something of value . Posted by Introvert Here 's the thing about being a loner . . . you eventually figure out you are not like other people . You realize you say the wrong things , embarrass your loved ones , and sometimes even make them a little mad . You notice that nobody wants to take you anywhere with them because you say inappropriate things , and that 's OK , since you would just as soon be at home anyhow . You avoid people even more , because obviously you must be some sort of village idiot . Even when you resolve to shut your mouth and not say the wrong things , somehow those wrong things pop out and people roll their eyes and excuse themselves . And you withdraw even more . There are those who accept me as I am , my husband being at the top of the list . He probably comes closer to understanding me than anyone else ever has . I don 't expect anyone to make allowances for me , I only ask that you let me be myself , and I will try not to embarrass you . Starting about a year ago , we began having cattle problems . I can truthfully say that , for the most part , the problems have all been cause by the fact that I don 't pay as much attention to them as I should . And honestly , after the deaths and mishaps that have happened , I care less about them . When Crystal ( the whiteface you see on the current header ) recently lost her first calf because he was too big and she was too small , I made the remark , " I need to just sell them all . " Crystal came around after calving and seemed to feel just fine . Then another aggravation came up : We discovered that Jethro , the five - month - old steer who we thought was weaned , was nursing Gracie , a heifer who has never had a calf or produced milk . This could do damage to her udder . In fact , it may already have done so , because who knows how long he had been doing this . We put a thing in his nose that has sharp , protruding metal pieces that will poke a cow when a calf nurses her , so she won 't allow him access . A month went by , and then the other day I went out to feed the cats and guess what ? He had learned to approach her so gently that she was still allowing him to nurse . We discussed what to do , and decided to take him to Cliff 's brother 's farm so he could become weaned . Cliff tried to call his brother for three days , and for some reason he never answered or returned the calls . On the third day , I said , " You know what ? I think we should haul him to the Kingsville sale , just get rid of him . All we were going to do with him was butcher him , and Homer ( the bull we bought at the same time as Jethro ) can be butchered after he breeds our two cows . " Sunday I saw my opportunity to shut him in the small lot , and hooked the chain onto a nail so the gate would stay closed . We 'd haul him off Monday . Every time I stepped out the front door and saw him , the thought would cross my mind that we really should sell Crystal , since we 'd be making a trip anyway . I even mentioned this to Cliff , then thought no more about it . Monday morning I got up and glanced oYou don 't have to hit me over the head . We sold them both , and considering one is all dairy and one is half , the money wasn 't bad . So our herd is much smaller now . Left to right , you have : Homer , Penny , and Gracie . The million - dollar question is this : Will Homer have the maturity and size five months from now to breed Gracie ? She is due October 19 , and we would like her to be re - bred by the time her calf is three months old in January . Homer will be eleven months old . Penny is due May 2 , so he should be ready for her . I will be watching closely to see if the bull shows any signs of aggression , since Jersey bulls have a bad reputation . If he can manage to breed both cows , we 'll probably be ready for some hamburger at that time and will butcher him . We do have a sweet deal with a local guy I contacted through Craigslist : A cow comes in heat , we load her and go ten miles with her , leaving her to spend a night of passion with either a Red Angus or a Black Angus bull . We hand the owner fifty bucks and we have a pregnant cow . When I think about this I ask myself , what are we doing with a bull , anyhow ? Posted by Cliff and his brother are going to visit their Kansas brother today , so this is one of those extremely rare times when I 'm on the place alone . It 's hard to find time to blog when the baby is here on Monday through Thursday , since she is of the opinion that no adult should be handling a computer unless she is helping them . So on days when she 's here , I use the IPad to communicate . By the way , I am writing this entry via Windows Live Writer , just to see how I like it . My garden has totally gone to weeds . There are two reasons for this : The obvious one , of course , is the baby , although if I had the energy of my youth , there are three days every week without her around , so that 's a pitiful excuse . But it was much easier when I could just go out several times a day and pull weeds when I was in the mood . I wouldn 't trade the joy that little girl brings us for all the fresh veggies in the county . The other thing that happened was when , early on , some varmints were taking my tomatoes from the plants before they could even ripen , Cliff put a couple strands of barbed wire close to the ground . This worked great to keep varmints out , but it also made it difficult for me to use my tiller . The tiller is normally my main weapon against weeds . Ironically , the tomato crop this year was doomed from the start . The tomatoes developed some sort of disease that put black spots all over the fruits . The hogs , may they rest in peace , got many buckets full of bad tomatoes , so at least it wasn 't a total waste . I set out twelve plants and canned about seven quarts , I think . They have , thank goodness , provided us with enough tomatoes for our table . The chicks have all survived . I sold all but two of the older hens on Craigslist , knowing that the seven young pullets will be laying eggs this winter . I 'm seriously wishing there was someone close by who butchers chickens for a fee , because I really want to eat our young roosters when they 're big enough , but Cliff and I don 't have the best history of chicken - butchering . The father of the brood of thirteen chicks was a Buff Orpington , but the hens were a variety of breeds : Aracauna , Barred Rock , Buff Orpington , and Rhode Island Red . The Barred Rock / Orpington mix evidently has a sex - link sort of coloring : That 's what those brown pullets on the left are , and so is the rooster on the right . All the boys of that cross ended up looking a lot like pure Barred Rocks , but the coloring of the pullets really doesn 't resemble any breed ! I love their looks , by the way . I think I have three oPosted by When we bought twenty acres with a house on it in 1967 , our son was five months old . Of course you know the sort of memories you have about the first place you owned ( with the bank ) where your babies were small and you and your spouse were still getting used to one another . The old house had two bedrooms and a small basement . It was heated by a propane heating stove in the living room , so the rest of the house was really cold in winter . The stove that was in the house didn 't even have a blower that worked , so once the weather got chilly , we moved our son 's crib into the living room . Although the house was sturdy and straight except for the kids ' room , which left a lot to be desired , it was pretty primitive . The first night we slept there , rats scurrying in the attic kept me awake . No one had lived there for awhile . Friends came to visit and asked , " Was this place abandoned when you bought it ? " I think we took this picture on moving day , or shortly thereafter . We lived there seven years and then moved on to what we thought were greener pastures . I think the people who bought it from us have been there all these years , since 1975 . We have driven by occasionally , and never saw a for sale sign . From the road , the house looks about the same , although the front porch ( where those steps lead ) was turned into a bathroom , we were told by former neighbors some time after we left the place . My cousin mentioned that the place is for sale , so of course I had to go snooping and see what the asking price was : We paid $ 13 , 500 and sold it for double that and thought we were getting a lot of money . Yes , we were young and stupid . You can tell it 's the same house , but the part on the right that used to be our kids ' room has been totally rebuilt . What amazed us was the description of the house as it is now , because somehow there are four bedrooms and two - and - a - half baths . I can only wonder where all those rooms are ! The basement was small , just the size of our kitchen and bedroom together . Here is the link to the listing : Read it and be amazed , especially if you are a friend or relative who once visited us at that poor little house . Click HERE . Actually , one morning last week I came to the computer and nothing worked . I turned it off and back on , and a continuous beeping started . I repeated these actions a few times with no results . The only thing on my monitor was a little blinking dash in the upper left - hand corner . I first thought my monitor was bad , and mentioned this on Facebook . A local tech let me know that it was not the monitor , it was my computer . Then , thank goodness , he reminded me that Dell gives a one - year warranty with all their computers , and they send someone to your home to fix it . I bought this computer last December , so it definitely was under warranty . I can 't say things went altogether smoothly : The first guy who came out fiddled with it and finally said my hard drive was damaged , and that probably by the next day he , or someone else , should be here to install it . The second guy , the one who installed the hard drive , checked to see that I was connected to the Internet and left . After I got the baby down for her afternoon nap , I came to my computer ( you really don 't want to try being on a computer with her around . . . she likes to " help " ) and found out I couldn 't access most of the sites I usually go to , mainly Facebook ! Thankfully , I mentioned this on Facebook ( I have few secrets ) and my son said that usually means the computer has the wrong date on it . Sure enough , the silly new hard drive thought we were still in January of 2009 . As it happens , I had a three - day wait . There was a time this would have driven me nuts , but now that I have the Ipad , I am always connected . However , there are certain things I need a computer for . Blogging , for example : I tried to make an entry with my Ipad , but I was going to put a picture on , couldn 't get it done , and somehow deleted the entry in its entirety . I decided I would do better to wait . If you are going to buy a PC , I 'd say you are better off buying a Dell , just for that free , one - year warranty , and the fact that THEY COME TO YOUR HOME , rather than you having to send something back to them . I lost a few things , but most of my treasured videos and pictures are on an external hard drive , and I have already put them back on my computer . I like having them both places , because , you know , the external drive could fail , too . So that 's why I haven 't been blogging . Posted byDonna Wood I baked a butternut squash in the microwave this morning , with the intention of making a crustless pumpkin pie ( yes , squash pie tastes the same as pumpkin ) . I use my favorite pumpkin - pie - filling recipe and add 1 / 2 cup of self - rising flour , skip the fat - heavy , calorie - laden crust , and feel a little better for trying to keep it light . Lately when I 'm doing stuff in the kitchen , Little Princess comes in and stretches her arms up for me to take her . Of course , it 's hard to wash dishes or chop vegetables while holding a one - year - old child . And if I 'm at the stove cooking , it 's downright dangerous to hold her . Ah , the good old days when I simply slipped my shoulders into the Baby Bjorn carrier and packed her on the front of me like a kangaroo , leaving both of my hands free . Although that wasn 't as problem - free as it might sound : Many 's the time her constantly - kicking feet dealt a lucky blow to a dish , glass , or cup on the kitchen counter that then landed on the floor . I mentioned to my daughter a while back that I was nervous about cooking with a baby in the kitchen at my feet , and I was at the point of having to make Cliff come in and keep her occupied while I fixed our noon meal . She told me that if I would put her in the high chair where she could actually watch what I was doing and perhaps gave her something to keep her hands busy , I would be able to get something done and the child would be contented . Amazingly , it worked the first time I tried it . So today I put her in the high chair , handed her a spoon , put a few Cheerios on her tray , and started cooking at the counter in front of her . I kept up a constant dialogue , explaining each step as I did it : " Now I 'm scraping the squash out of the skin . . . " , " This is the mixer . . . " , " I 'm getting the sugar out . . . " . I got the sugar in a measuring cup , took the bowl of squash over to her , and let her watch me pour in the sugar . She raised herself up off her seat a little to see in the bowl , and then I took it back to the counter to use the mixer . I let her smell the cinnamon and ginger . I put a little flour on the high - chair tray so she could swirl it all over the place with her fingers . I took the eggs and a cup to the high chair , where she watched me crack the eggs and , later , add them to the mix . As you can imagine , it took a lot longer than normal to make the pie , but I had so much fun showing her all this stuff , and didn 't have to worry about what she was doing in another room , or listen to her fussing at my feet wanting me to pick her up . I wish I had known this trick when my own two kids were small , but back then I didn 't have nearly as much spare time to devote to making a pie , so who knows if I would have done it . As I was doing this entry , Cora 's grandma came to pick her up , so she left me earlier than usual today . She was still down for her nap , but she had been asleep for two hours , and I knew she would be charged up for playing with Grandma this evening ; in fact , when I went to get her out of bed , her eyes were open . She came here this morning with a smile on her face , and she left with Grandma , still smiling . It 's no wonder Cliff and I smile so much more when she 's around . Smiles , they say , are contagious . Posted by Are you getting tired of the chicken talk yet ? Last night when it was almost dark , I went out to the house the young chicks were raised in and started grabbing them and tossing them in the hen house with the adults . I finally got them all in there , but I knew when daylight came , some of them would be able to escape the pen : The wire isn 't chicken wire , but has openings that measure 2 inches by 4 inches . The smaller of the youngsters can still squeeze through an opening that size , especially when chased by an older hen . Chickens are mean to one another ; they coined the term " pecking order " . This morning there was one escapee . We went to Versailles to buy a rusty old cheap livestock trailer , and when we returned , there were five chicks out roaming around , and seven still in with the big girls . I turned all the chickens , big and small , out to roam , and pondered my options . I decided to let the youngsters return to the home where they were raised , wait a week , and put them in the " big house " again . By that time , maybe none of them would be small enough to escape . A while ago I went out to shut all the birds in , and was amazed to find five of the " babies " on the roost in the big house . That was their choice . The other eight were in their old home . I love watching animals make choices , and just like my own children and grandchildren , sometimes they surprise me . After their mother abandoned them , I was hesitant to let the adolescent chicks roam freely about the yard . I have seen a hawk swoop down and try to pick up a five - pound rooster . He didn 't have the strength to pull it off , but you know if he would attempt such a feat as that , he would easily snatch a young chicken . Every evening when I take a head count , I am amazed that all the chicks have survived thus far . Knock on wood , because that could change at any time . Never assume everything is going to be OK : That 's a lesson I 've learned many times . There was a time I wouldn 't have been able to allow chickens to roam around my yard , because there were always several dogs running freely about the neighborhood . That has changed in the last couple of years . But I do think about the fox who sneaks past the house sometimes in broad daylight , and yes , the hawks soaring high above . I believe the chief reason the brood has survived is that they spend at least 3 / 4 of their time beneath the shelter of the pine trees behind Cliff 's shop , so they aren 't visible from the air . I just went out a while ago to take this picture , and until I called to them , there wasn 't a chicken in sight . I wonder how they know there is safety in hiding ? Did their mother teach them , or do they simply know it because of a code in their genetic makeup ? By the way , when I turn the adult chickens out in the afternoon , the chicks still recognize their mother and run to her . They are greeted with a firm peck on the head , but every day they will approach her again . Perhaps the hen is practicing the chicken version of tough love . Posted by A couple of weeks ago , I told Cliff , " We don 't need that rooster any more . I don 't want any more baby chicks this year , and that guy is taking up space and eating feed . We could kill him and have a pot of noodles . " Cliff has heard about things that " we " are going to do more than once , and since the baby was here that day , he was pretty sure " we " meant " Cliff " . But he is a dutiful husband , and agreed to butcher the rooster . He remembers nothing about the process we went through with the eight - week - old chickens in May of 2013 , since he was sick as a dog , had tubes coming out of him , and seriously thought he was going to die . I told him , " You will have to chop his head off , because it won 't come off easy like those young chickens . But just skin him , so " we " won 't have to pluck feathers , and it shouldn 't be too difficult . The baby and I went out to check on him a couple of times . He didn 't look too happy . Later , he brought the carcass in , soaking in a bucket of clean water , informing me that it wasn 't easy to skin the old bird . So evidently , that 's something that only works with young poultry . I heated up a big pot of water , and while it was getting to the boiling point , I Googled " how to cook an old rooster " . The first site I clicked on said to boil him for six hours and he would be fine . Wow , seriously ? Six hours ? Oh well , I can do that . The water boiled , I put the rooster in , and then went back to the computer to see what other people suggested for cooking an old rooster . Oh boy . Everybody says I should have let him age in the refrigerator for two days , because if you cook a chicken immediately after the kill , rigor mortis has set in and he will be tough . And then they all said to cook him for a couple of hours . " Well , " I told Cliff , " maybe cooking him for six hours will make up for us not putting him in the refrigerator for two days . " Cliff didn 't look too happy . I said , " I remember Mother always killed chickens on Saturday that she was going to fry on Sunday . That 's only one day . " Cliff said nothing . So I checked the rooster after three hours . He was tough . My spirits soared , though , when after five hours I poked a fork in the bird and the meat literally came off the bone . " Ah - HA ! We 'll have noodles tomorrow . " Unfortunately , when I tried to eat a bite of the meat that fell off the bone , it was stringy , and I couldn 't chew it . I saved the broth , which was very tasty , and froze it . The pigs got the bird and were grateful . When it 's time to get rid of my old laying hens this fall , I will offer them for sale on Craigslist for $ 5 each , and if I get no response , I will offer them free . If I get no takers at that point , they will be sacrificed , but not butchered and eaten . There will be no more old birds dressed for eating at Woodhaven Acres . Thank You , God , that I wasn 't born in the olden days when my life depended on killing chickens for meat . I have a new admiration for my mother , my aunts , and my grandma , none of whom sent their clueless husbands out to kill a chicken while they watched a baby . They did the deed themselves , and did it well . Bad news from a cattle standpoint . But then , there are so many things more important than cattle dying , I hesitate to even share the information . As I explained before , Crystal got out with a neighbor 's bull when she was only eleven months old , which is younger than a heifer should be bred . When the grandson went looking , and finally found her in his second day of searching , she was on a bluff at our fence wanting to come home . He and his buddy tried their best to get her down off that bluff to a place where it would have been easy to get her through the fence , but she would not leave that spot . She was nowhere near the neighbor 's herd , and the grandson said there was no way she would go down to where they were . I should have known better , but I assumed she had not made contact with the bull . At least three months went by before we realized that she had no doubt been bred , because she wasn 't coming in heat at three - week intervals as she should have . By this time I wasn 't sure of the exact date when she had been with the bull , so I wrote down two dates . We put her in the lot July 19 . We watched and watched . If she had been bred on the first date I wrote down , she would have been due the 24th . I had earlier ordered tickets for the Sidney Rodeo in Iowa , for August 1 . We were going to leave Friday morning and return Saturday by noon . The cow seemed to be showing no signs of calving , but hey , even if she had the calf while we were gone , she 'd probably be fine , right ? Our motel was in Shenandoah , just fourteen miles from where the rodeo was . In this whole general area , we had no cell phone signal . Just before 11 P . M . we got back to the motel , where the wi - fi allowed me to get on Facebook . There was a message from the grandson from earlier in the afternoon : " Your cow is having her baby . " I 'm not going into details , but the grandson , who was already sleep - deprived from spending hours after work every day working on the old house , ended up trying to help a heifer have a bull calf that , it turns out , was about 1 / 10 her weiDonna Wood Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
Until Cora was five or six months old , we never left home with her . OK , sometimes Cliff would go someplace , but not me . We were afraid to take a baby anywhere : What if she cried ? What if she had a dirty diaper ? What if she got hungry ? Remember , our children were born in 1967 and 1969 . We were bulletproof back then , willing to tackle any challenge . These days , not so much . Finally , the time came when I wanted to go to Sam 's Club and Walmart in the middle of the week . Cliff said , " But what about all the germs ? " Geesh . " She 'll be fine , " I told him . " The baby will love seeing people and being in a strange place . Just you wait and see . " He wasn 't thrilled about the prospect , but we fastened her in the car seat and headed toward the big city . It was great ! People fawned over our pretty little girl . Some guy even told Cliff , " Your granddaughter looks just like you . " He was hooked , and ready to take Cora anywhere . But things have taken a turn . Last week we took the Little Princess to do some shopping with us and it wasn 't so easy . I placed her in the seat of the shopping cart and she immediately started twisting around , trying to get out of there . Cliff and I secured her with the safety belt . As I looked at my grocery list , she had hands and feet outstretched , trying to knock things off the shelves . She hollered at the top of her lungs . . . not crying , just happily shouting . People gave us some very strange looks , especially when I was pushing my cart in an erratic manner . Keep in mind we were at Blue Springs Walmart , which is an experience in itself . " The kid distracts me , " I told them . It took an hour to do what would normally have been twenty minutes of shopping . Later on that evening when Cora had gone home , I told Cliff , " You realize , don 't you , that when our kids were that age , if they had behaved that way she did , we would have slapped their hands . And if they had cried , we would have taken them outside and spanked them . Yes , at the age of one year . " " I ain 't spankin ' her , " Cliff said . " Me neither . Next time we go shopping , it will be without her . " And that 's the way it will be . You 've seen me bemoaning the condition of my garden and complaining about my lack of tomatoes to can . Once the garden got out of control and the tomatoes all got ugly black spots on them , I gave up . Every time I glanced toward the garden , all I saw was ugly tomatoes and weeds , so I avoided even looking at it . The weeds , of course , only get worse with time . I have a lovely crop of morning glory climbing over , around , and through everything . So depressing . This is what happens when you look only at the bad , whether in the garden or in life . I was taking scraps to the chickens after dinner , and looked at the garden , ashamed . I saw all the things wrong with it . And then I realized there were quite a few red tomatoes on those neglected plants , and decided to give them a closer look . Most of the fruits on the upper parts of the plants are free of the ugly spots . Four of the plants are bearing puny little tomatoes , but if I canned them , they would go in the jars easily . The closer I got to the garden , the more red tomatoes I saw . I went out with a milk bucket and came back with it full . I took another bucket out and got quite a few in that one , too . I guess I had better get in there and start canning . There is a lesson here : As long as you are expecting to see bad things , whether it 's in a weedy garden , a situation , or a person , that 's what you will see . Look a little closer , look for the good , and you might find something of value . Posted by Introvert Here 's the thing about being a loner . . . you eventually figure out you are not like other people . You realize you say the wrong things , embarrass your loved ones , and sometimes even make them a little mad . You notice that nobody wants to take you anywhere with them because you say inappropriate things , and that 's OK , since you would just as soon be at home anyhow . You avoid people even more , because obviously you must be some sort of village idiot . Even when you resolve to shut your mouth and not say the wrong things , somehow those wrong things pop out and people roll their eyes and excuse themselves . And you withdraw even more . There are those who accept me as I am , my husband being at the top of the list . He probably comes closer to understanding me than anyone else ever has . I don 't expect anyone to make allowances for me , I only ask that you let me be myself , and I will try not to embarrass you . Starting about a year ago , we began having cattle problems . I can truthfully say that , for the most part , the problems have all been cause by the fact that I don 't pay as much attention to them as I should . And honestly , after the deaths and mishaps that have happened , I care less about them . When Crystal ( the whiteface you see on the current header ) recently lost her first calf because he was too big and she was too small , I made the remark , " I need to just sell them all . " Crystal came around after calving and seemed to feel just fine . Then another aggravation came up : We discovered that Jethro , the five - month - old steer who we thought was weaned , was nursing Gracie , a heifer who has never had a calf or produced milk . This could do damage to her udder . In fact , it may already have done so , because who knows how long he had been doing this . We put a thing in his nose that has sharp , protruding metal pieces that will poke a cow when a calf nurses her , so she won 't allow him access . A month went by , and then the other day I went out to feed the cats and guess what ? He had learned to approach her so gently that she was still allowing him to nurse . We discussed what to do , and decided to take him to Cliff 's brother 's farm so he could become weaned . Cliff tried to call his brother for three days , and for some reason he never answered or returned the calls . On the third day , I said , " You know what ? I think we should haul him to the Kingsville sale , just get rid of him . All we were going to do with him was butcher him , and Homer ( the bull we bought at the same time as Jethro ) can be butchered after he breeds our two cows . " Sunday I saw my opportunity to shut him in the small lot , and hooked the chain onto a nail so the gate would stay closed . We 'd haul him off Monday . Every time I stepped out the front door and saw him , the thought would cross my mind that we really should sell Crystal , since we 'd be making a trip anyway . I even mentioned this to Cliff , then thought no more about it . Monday morning I got up and glanced oYou don 't have to hit me over the head . We sold them both , and considering one is all dairy and one is half , the money wasn 't bad . So our herd is much smaller now . Left to right , you have : Homer , Penny , and Gracie . The million - dollar question is this : Will Homer have the maturity and size five months from now to breed Gracie ? She is due October 19 , and we would like her to be re - bred by the time her calf is three months old in January . Homer will be eleven months old . Penny is due May 2 , so he should be ready for her . I will be watching closely to see if the bull shows any signs of aggression , since Jersey bulls have a bad reputation . If he can manage to breed both cows , we 'll probably be ready for some hamburger at that time and will butcher him . We do have a sweet deal with a local guy I contacted through Craigslist : A cow comes in heat , we load her and go ten miles with her , leaving her to spend a night of passion with either a Red Angus or a Black Angus bull . We hand the owner fifty bucks and we have a pregnant cow . When I think about this I ask myself , what are we doing with a bull , anyhow ? Posted by Cliff and his brother are going to visit their Kansas brother today , so this is one of those extremely rare times when I 'm on the place alone . It 's hard to find time to blog when the baby is here on Monday through Thursday , since she is of the opinion that no adult should be handling a computer unless she is helping them . So on days when she 's here , I use the IPad to communicate . By the way , I am writing this entry via Windows Live Writer , just to see how I like it . My garden has totally gone to weeds . There are two reasons for this : The obvious one , of course , is the baby , although if I had the energy of my youth , there are three days every week without her around , so that 's a pitiful excuse . But it was much easier when I could just go out several times a day and pull weeds when I was in the mood . I wouldn 't trade the joy that little girl brings us for all the fresh veggies in the county . The other thing that happened was when , early on , some varmints were taking my tomatoes from the plants before they could even ripen , Cliff put a couple strands of barbed wire close to the ground . This worked great to keep varmints out , but it also made it difficult for me to use my tiller . The tiller is normally my main weapon against weeds . Ironically , the tomato crop this year was doomed from the start . The tomatoes developed some sort of disease that put black spots all over the fruits . The hogs , may they rest in peace , got many buckets full of bad tomatoes , so at least it wasn 't a total waste . I set out twelve plants and canned about seven quarts , I think . They have , thank goodness , provided us with enough tomatoes for our table . The chicks have all survived . I sold all but two of the older hens on Craigslist , knowing that the seven young pullets will be laying eggs this winter . I 'm seriously wishing there was someone close by who butchers chickens for a fee , because I really want to eat our young roosters when they 're big enough , but Cliff and I don 't have the best history of chicken - butchering . The father of the brood of thirteen chicks was a Buff Orpington , but the hens were a variety of breeds : Aracauna , Barred Rock , Buff Orpington , and Rhode Island Red . The Barred Rock / Orpington mix evidently has a sex - link sort of coloring : That 's what those brown pullets on the left are , and so is the rooster on the right . All the boys of that cross ended up looking a lot like pure Barred Rocks , but the coloring of the pullets really doesn 't resemble any breed ! I love their looks , by the way . I think I have three oPosted by When we bought twenty acres with a house on it in 1967 , our son was five months old . Of course you know the sort of memories you have about the first place you owned ( with the bank ) where your babies were small and you and your spouse were still getting used to one another . The old house had two bedrooms and a small basement . It was heated by a propane heating stove in the living room , so the rest of the house was really cold in winter . The stove that was in the house didn 't even have a blower that worked , so once the weather got chilly , we moved our son 's crib into the living room . Although the house was sturdy and straight except for the kids ' room , which left a lot to be desired , it was pretty primitive . The first night we slept there , rats scurrying in the attic kept me awake . No one had lived there for awhile . Friends came to visit and asked , " Was this place abandoned when you bought it ? " I think we took this picture on moving day , or shortly thereafter . We lived there seven years and then moved on to what we thought were greener pastures . I think the people who bought it from us have been there all these years , since 1975 . We have driven by occasionally , and never saw a for sale sign . From the road , the house looks about the same , although the front porch ( where those steps lead ) was turned into a bathroom , we were told by former neighbors some time after we left the place . My cousin mentioned that the place is for sale , so of course I had to go snooping and see what the asking price was : We paid $ 13 , 500 and sold it for double that and thought we were getting a lot of money . Yes , we were young and stupid . You can tell it 's the same house , but the part on the right that used to be our kids ' room has been totally rebuilt . What amazed us was the description of the house as it is now , because somehow there are four bedrooms and two - and - a - half baths . I can only wonder where all those rooms are ! The basement was small , just the size of our kitchen and bedroom together . Here is the link to the listing : Read it and be amazed , especially if you are a friend or relative who once visited us at that poor little house . Click HERE . Actually , one morning last week I came to the computer and nothing worked . I turned it off and back on , and a continuous beeping started . I repeated these actions a few times with no results . The only thing on my monitor was a little blinking dash in the upper left - hand corner . I first thought my monitor was bad , and mentioned this on Facebook . A local tech let me know that it was not the monitor , it was my computer . Then , thank goodness , he reminded me that Dell gives a one - year warranty with all their computers , and they send someone to your home to fix it . I bought this computer last December , so it definitely was under warranty . I can 't say things went altogether smoothly : The first guy who came out fiddled with it and finally said my hard drive was damaged , and that probably by the next day he , or someone else , should be here to install it . The second guy , the one who installed the hard drive , checked to see that I was connected to the Internet and left . After I got the baby down for her afternoon nap , I came to my computer ( you really don 't want to try being on a computer with her around . . . she likes to " help " ) and found out I couldn 't access most of the sites I usually go to , mainly Facebook ! Thankfully , I mentioned this on Facebook ( I have few secrets ) and my son said that usually means the computer has the wrong date on it . Sure enough , the silly new hard drive thought we were still in January of 2009 . As it happens , I had a three - day wait . There was a time this would have driven me nuts , but now that I have the Ipad , I am always connected . However , there are certain things I need a computer for . Blogging , for example : I tried to make an entry with my Ipad , but I was going to put a picture on , couldn 't get it done , and somehow deleted the entry in its entirety . I decided I would do better to wait . If you are going to buy a PC , I 'd say you are better off buying a Dell , just for that free , one - year warranty , and the fact that THEY COME TO YOUR HOME , rather than you having to send something back to them . I lost a few things , but most of my treasured videos and pictures are on an external hard drive , and I have already put them back on my computer . I like having them both places , because , you know , the external drive could fail , too . So that 's why I haven 't been blogging . Posted byDonna Wood I baked a butternut squash in the microwave this morning , with the intention of making a crustless pumpkin pie ( yes , squash pie tastes the same as pumpkin ) . I use my favorite pumpkin - pie - filling recipe and add 1 / 2 cup of self - rising flour , skip the fat - heavy , calorie - laden crust , and feel a little better for trying to keep it light . Lately when I 'm doing stuff in the kitchen , Little Princess comes in and stretches her arms up for me to take her . Of course , it 's hard to wash dishes or chop vegetables while holding a one - year - old child . And if I 'm at the stove cooking , it 's downright dangerous to hold her . Ah , the good old days when I simply slipped my shoulders into the Baby Bjorn carrier and packed her on the front of me like a kangaroo , leaving both of my hands free . Although that wasn 't as problem - free as it might sound : Many 's the time her constantly - kicking feet dealt a lucky blow to a dish , glass , or cup on the kitchen counter that then landed on the floor . I mentioned to my daughter a while back that I was nervous about cooking with a baby in the kitchen at my feet , and I was at the point of having to make Cliff come in and keep her occupied while I fixed our noon meal . She told me that if I would put her in the high chair where she could actually watch what I was doing and perhaps gave her something to keep her hands busy , I would be able to get something done and the child would be contented . Amazingly , it worked the first time I tried it . So today I put her in the high chair , handed her a spoon , put a few Cheerios on her tray , and started cooking at the counter in front of her . I kept up a constant dialogue , explaining each step as I did it : " Now I 'm scraping the squash out of the skin . . . " , " This is the mixer . . . " , " I 'm getting the sugar out . . . " . I got the sugar in a measuring cup , took the bowl of squash over to her , and let her watch me pour in the sugar . She raised herself up off her seat a little to see in the bowl , and then I took it back to the counter to use the mixer . I let her smell the cinnamon and ginger . I put a little flour on the high - chair tray so she could swirl it all over the place with her fingers . I took the eggs and a cup to the high chair , where she watched me crack the eggs and , later , add them to the mix . As you can imagine , it took a lot longer than normal to make the pie , but I had so much fun showing her all this stuff , and didn 't have to worry about what she was doing in another room , or listen to her fussing at my feet wanting me to pick her up . I wish I had known this trick when my own two kids were small , but back then I didn 't have nearly as much spare time to devote to making a pie , so who knows if I would have done it . As I was doing this entry , Cora 's grandma came to pick her up , so she left me earlier than usual today . She was still down for her nap , but she had been asleep for two hours , and I knew she would be charged up for playing with Grandma this evening ; in fact , when I went to get her out of bed , her eyes were open . She came here this morning with a smile on her face , and she left with Grandma , still smiling . It 's no wonder Cliff and I smile so much more when she 's around . Smiles , they say , are contagious . Posted by Are you getting tired of the chicken talk yet ? Last night when it was almost dark , I went out to the house the young chicks were raised in and started grabbing them and tossing them in the hen house with the adults . I finally got them all in there , but I knew when daylight came , some of them would be able to escape the pen : The wire isn 't chicken wire , but has openings that measure 2 inches by 4 inches . The smaller of the youngsters can still squeeze through an opening that size , especially when chased by an older hen . Chickens are mean to one another ; they coined the term " pecking order " . This morning there was one escapee . We went to Versailles to buy a rusty old cheap livestock trailer , and when we returned , there were five chicks out roaming around , and seven still in with the big girls . I turned all the chickens , big and small , out to roam , and pondered my options . I decided to let the youngsters return to the home where they were raised , wait a week , and put them in the " big house " again . By that time , maybe none of them would be small enough to escape . A while ago I went out to shut all the birds in , and was amazed to find five of the " babies " on the roost in the big house . That was their choice . The other eight were in their old home . I love watching animals make choices , and just like my own children and grandchildren , sometimes they surprise me . After their mother abandoned them , I was hesitant to let the adolescent chicks roam freely about the yard . I have seen a hawk swoop down and try to pick up a five - pound rooster . He didn 't have the strength to pull it off , but you know if he would attempt such a feat as that , he would easily snatch a young chicken . Every evening when I take a head count , I am amazed that all the chicks have survived thus far . Knock on wood , because that could change at any time . Never assume everything is going to be OK : That 's a lesson I 've learned many times . There was a time I wouldn 't have been able to allow chickens to roam around my yard , because there were always several dogs running freely about the neighborhood . That has changed in the last couple of years . But I do think about the fox who sneaks past the house sometimes in broad daylight , and yes , the hawks soaring high above . I believe the chief reason the brood has survived is that they spend at least 3 / 4 of their time beneath the shelter of the pine trees behind Cliff 's shop , so they aren 't visible from the air . I just went out a while ago to take this picture , and until I called to them , there wasn 't a chicken in sight . I wonder how they know there is safety in hiding ? Did their mother teach them , or do they simply know it because of a code in their genetic makeup ? By the way , when I turn the adult chickens out in the afternoon , the chicks still recognize their mother and run to her . They are greeted with a firm peck on the head , but every day they will approach her again . Perhaps the hen is practicing the chicken version of tough love . Posted by A couple of weeks ago , I told Cliff , " We don 't need that rooster any more . I don 't want any more baby chicks this year , and that guy is taking up space and eating feed . We could kill him and have a pot of noodles . " Cliff has heard about things that " we " are going to do more than once , and since the baby was here that day , he was pretty sure " we " meant " Cliff " . But he is a dutiful husband , and agreed to butcher the rooster . He remembers nothing about the process we went through with the eight - week - old chickens in May of 2013 , since he was sick as a dog , had tubes coming out of him , and seriously thought he was going to die . I told him , " You will have to chop his head off , because it won 't come off easy like those young chickens . But just skin him , so " we " won 't have to pluck feathers , and it shouldn 't be too difficult . The baby and I went out to check on him a couple of times . He didn 't look too happy . Later , he brought the carcass in , soaking in a bucket of clean water , informing me that it wasn 't easy to skin the old bird . So evidently , that 's something that only works with young poultry . I heated up a big pot of water , and while it was getting to the boiling point , I Googled " how to cook an old rooster " . The first site I clicked on said to boil him for six hours and he would be fine . Wow , seriously ? Six hours ? Oh well , I can do that . The water boiled , I put the rooster in , and then went back to the computer to see what other people suggested for cooking an old rooster . Oh boy . Everybody says I should have let him age in the refrigerator for two days , because if you cook a chicken immediately after the kill , rigor mortis has set in and he will be tough . And then they all said to cook him for a couple of hours . " Well , " I told Cliff , " maybe cooking him for six hours will make up for us not putting him in the refrigerator for two days . " Cliff didn 't look too happy . I said , " I remember Mother always killed chickens on Saturday that she was going to fry on Sunday . That 's only one day . " Cliff said nothing . So I checked the rooster after three hours . He was tough . My spirits soared , though , when after five hours I poked a fork in the bird and the meat literally came off the bone . " Ah - HA ! We 'll have noodles tomorrow . " Unfortunately , when I tried to eat a bite of the meat that fell off the bone , it was stringy , and I couldn 't chew it . I saved the broth , which was very tasty , and froze it . The pigs got the bird and were grateful . When it 's time to get rid of my old laying hens this fall , I will offer them for sale on Craigslist for $ 5 each , and if I get no response , I will offer them free . If I get no takers at that point , they will be sacrificed , but not butchered and eaten . There will be no more old birds dressed for eating at Woodhaven Acres . Thank You , God , that I wasn 't born in the olden days when my life depended on killing chickens for meat . I have a new admiration for my mother , my aunts , and my grandma , none of whom sent their clueless husbands out to kill a chicken while they watched a baby . They did the deed themselves , and did it well . Bad news from a cattle standpoint . But then , there are so many things more important than cattle dying , I hesitate to even share the information . As I explained before , Crystal got out with a neighbor 's bull when she was only eleven months old , which is younger than a heifer should be bred . When the grandson went looking , and finally found her in his second day of searching , she was on a bluff at our fence wanting to come home . He and his buddy tried their best to get her down off that bluff to a place where it would have been easy to get her through the fence , but she would not leave that spot . She was nowhere near the neighbor 's herd , and the grandson said there was no way she would go down to where they were . I should have known better , but I assumed she had not made contact with the bull . At least three months went by before we realized that she had no doubt been bred , because she wasn 't coming in heat at three - week intervals as she should have . By this time I wasn 't sure of the exact date when she had been with the bull , so I wrote down two dates . We put her in the lot July 19 . We watched and watched . If she had been bred on the first date I wrote down , she would have been due the 24th . I had earlier ordered tickets for the Sidney Rodeo in Iowa , for August 1 . We were going to leave Friday morning and return Saturday by noon . The cow seemed to be showing no signs of calving , but hey , even if she had the calf while we were gone , she 'd probably be fine , right ? Our motel was in Shenandoah , just fourteen miles from where the rodeo was . In this whole general area , we had no cell phone signal . Just before 11 P . M . we got back to the motel , where the wi - fi allowed me to get on Facebook . There was a message from the grandson from earlier in the afternoon : " Your cow is having her baby . " I 'm not going into details , but the grandson , who was already sleep - deprived from spending hours after work every day working on the old house , ended up trying to help a heifer have a bull calf that , it turns out , was about 1 / 10 her weiDonna Wood Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
I stayed with my aunt and Derek for a while , looking a bit for a job near the college , and waiting for my grades . On Thursday , Derek got up early in the morning , and had to go to a meeting which kept him away all day . I had some friends over , and we swam in the pool and had a good time . They left before dinner . At dinner Derek said that he wasn 't feeling well , and that after eating , he would go directly to bed . My aunt said she was really tired , but that she would watch television for a while in the den . I finished up the dishes , my chore , and joined my aunt in the den . Before I could sit , she said , " Bee - bee , go to your room and strip down to your jockey briefs - no , better yet , your jockstrap - and come back and I 'll tie you up for a while . . The tie - up will be something simple , because I 'm bushed . " My aunt smiled , and put the red ball - gag into my mouth , bucking the strap firmly behind my head . I showed her how I could reach up with my hands and get to the buckle without much trouble even though it was behind my head . She laughed . My aunt took me to the corner of the room where she had Derek 's exercise equipment - a treadmill and some weights . She had me sit on the floor and put my bound arms on either side of my knees and pushed them down toward my ankles . Then she took the metal bar that usually held weights and slipped it over my bent elbows and under my knees . I now realized that with the bar there , I could not reach my face with my hands . She put a small weight on each side of the bar and slipped them until they touched my arms , one on each side . I was in one far corner of the room , unable to move around much , but I could see my aunt and the television set . After a while , I realized that she had gone to sleep , laying there with her mouth open , snoring softly . So I would have to wait until she woke up to be freed or moved or anything . The tie - up wasn 't the most comfortable , but it was OK . The gag kept me from making much noise , and I didn 't know if she would even hear me over the sound from the television set . I sat there for over three hours , waiting - not able to do much else . I have found that I like being tied up for long periods at a time , so it wasn 't any problem . She slept though all of the programs , and into the news . Then the news ended and a movie started , and still my aunt was asleep , stirring a little from time to time giving me hope that she would wake up , but she didn 't . I thought , she won 't leave me this way all night . But she did , returning to the chair with a blanket where she went back to sleep . It was Derek who found me early the next day - really stiff , sore , and badly needing the bathroom . He removed the weights and the bar , and untied my hands . I removed the gag - my mouth was really sore . I headed for the bathroom pronto while he woke up my sleeping aunt . At breakfast my aunt apologized for leaving me so long . We laughed about it , and I said that I had enjoyed it very much , which was true . They decided I was either crazy , a good sport , or that I really did love being tied up and gagged . My aunt said that there would be no more time for bondage before I had to return home - which I had to do as I hadn 't found a job near the college - and she hoped I would have a nice summer . I thanked her and Derek again for being understanding , for helping me with my new hobby . I wondered when or if he and my aunt would tie me up again . Should it happen , I 'll write about it but it may be a while . My college career hadn 't exactly ended . I signed up for some graduate classes the next year , so I would be back . Meanwhile , I packed , more or less , and set to return home for the summer . When I got there , my aunt fastened a piece of rope to each if my wrists and ankles . Then she took me to the shed where she tied me up before . Inside , she raised one arm , and took the rope and tied it to the an eye - bolt up on the wall so that my hand was outstretched and reaching up at an angle away from my body . She did the same to the other arm . Then she had me spread my legs as wide as I could , and fastened rope to my leg and then straight out to an eye bolt in the wall . She did the same with the other leg . I was now fully stretched out spread - eagle standing in the shed . Finally , my aunt produced the red ball gag and ordered me to open my mouth , and in went the large ball , and she fastened the straps securely around my head . Then Derek closed the shed and they went away . But I knew that he was close to the shed . He sat on a chair just next to the shed where he could hear any sound I might make . He even looked in on me once . I stood there for a very long time . I tried a couple of times to make noise to get Derek or aunt 's attention , and Derek looked in to see if I was okay , and he smiled and shut the door again . I was getting tired stretched out that way , but there was little I could do about it . After what seemed like forever , I heard voices . It was my father and step - mother ! ! I was really shocked because they weren 't supposed to be there . I was supposed to be driving home to see them . They were talking to my aunt , and then to Derek as they approached the shed . I was afraid wondering what was going to happen . Why had they driven the 90 plus minutes to join us ? Suddenly the shed door opened , and there stood my aunt , Derek and my parents ! ! ! ! ! They just stood there looking at me . And I stood there , spread out naked except for my jock , looking back at them and not able to say anything - and I don 't know what I would have said if I could have said anything . After a very long pause , my father started to laugh . He didn 't seem too upset at all . And my father said , " Well , I knew you don 't seem to have any problems with Sam when he was here , and now I know how you do it . " As I hung there and watched , Derek and aunt talked about the times that they had tied me up , and that I really seemed to enjoy the experiences . My aunt then produced the picture album with all of the shots she has taken of me in bondage . With each picture there was a copy of the diary entry that I wrote about it . My step - mother and father sat at the table next to the now open shed and slowly leafed through the book , looking at each picture . My step - mother sat with her hand to her mouth , a sign she was at least surprised if not horrified . " He 's so modest he won 't even let me see him wearing that supporter thing , " my step - mother said pointing to me in my jock , " but he lets me wash it when it 's dirty . Now I can see what it looks like on him . Not much to it is there ? Why even bother ? " She managed a feeble laugh . " Well , " said my father , " I wish I had known that he liked this sort of thing a long time ago . There have been a number of occasions when he was growing up when I would like to have had him tied up . How long has he been there today ? " " We just ignore him when he fusses , " said Derek . " We have an agreement . We can tie him up any time we wish , anywhere we wish , dressed any way we wish , for as long as we wish . He can fuss , but he stays bound and gagged as long as we want him that way . We never do anything that might hurt him . When he can talk I 'm sure he 'll tell you that he 's having the time of his life . " I stayed in the shed for a while longer . My aunt gave my father tips on how to tie me up , and I understood from things she said that my father was a little unhappy that he hadn 't know anything at all about this . He wasn 't bothered so much about my liking to be tied up , but that he hadn 't known about it . My step - mother was a little more upset , wondering why somebody would like being trussed up that way , and she looked a few times at the pictures just shaking her head . " Well , " said my father , " I think we can probably do this for him once in a while without any trouble at all . " My folks were ready to leave because they wanted to get home before dark . They had come over to help me move back home . My father would drive back in their car with me , my mother would drive my car with my stuff , which my aunt and Derek helped my parents load . Derek came in and released me , then took me to the bathroom . Then he tied my hands behind my back . He did not remove the gag at all . He then walked me out into the living room where my parents stood with their light summer jackets on . Derek and my aunt and my parents walked with me outside ( I was embarrassed - what if someone saw us ? ) , and to my parents ' car . They put me in the back seat . My step - mother got into my car , my father was driving and I was laying in the back seat , now hog - tied securely . Derek handed my father some rope and a bag . " Do let him go sometime in the next few days , " said Derek . My father laughed and said , " We 'll think about it . Maybe in a few days . " My aunt said good - bye to my parents . Then we drove away with me laying on the back seat and this time with no tinted windows to hide me from anyone outside . I don 't know if anyone saw me or not , but we made it home in just over an hour and a half without trouble . On the way home , my father talked to me . " I 'm not too surprised that you like being tied up , " he said softly . " I loved it when your mother was alive . She was quite the dominatrix - kept me tied up quite a bit . But Ruth doesn 't go in for it I 'm afraid . You come by your love of bondage honestly , and I hope that some day you find a bride who knows how to give you what you need . Meanwhile , be careful that you don 't get yourself into something dangerous . Bondage can be fun , but it can also be deadly . " I was shocked . My parents had played bondage games before my mother died . My father parked next to the house , my step - mother got out of my car and went inside . My father opened the back door , untied the hog - tie and helped me out of the car , and toward the back door , into the house , and to the living room where my father put me on the floor , retied my legs with the rope Derek had given him , and then refastened a strict hog tie , and sat down . " We 're sorry that you wouldn 't tell us that you enjoyed being tied up , " my father said . " Kids shouldn 't keep secrets from their parents - even ones as strange as this . Derek and aunt were kind to help you with this new hobby of yours , and I 'll happily do it for you too . We 'll talk more about it later . I lay there on the floor while my parents brought my things into the house and put them in my room . After a while my father said that he and my step - mother were going to bed , and he started untying me . I tried to indicate that I wanted to stay tied , but my father ignored that and removed the ropes and the gag . I 've been writing up my tie - up adventures with my Aunt Helen and her partner , Derek . The last time I wrote , I explained how my aunt and Derek showed me to my parents while I was tied and gagged in the shed by their pool . My aunt explained to my folks how I liked being tied up and how she and Derek had been tying me up while I was staying with them during my senior year at college . I thought my parents would be upset if they knew I liked such a strange activity , and my step - mother was a little upset , but my father was more upset because I had shared this with my aunt and Derek and not with him . He revealed that when my real mother was alive , she was a dominant and that he spent many happy hours in bondage so he understood my enjoyment when tied up . He and I have had long conversations about bondage and what we like about it . My step - mother worried a bit that it was a very odd hobby . That night my parents took me home still tied and gagged . Starting the next day Dad and I talked a lot about my liking to be tied up . My step - mother said that it was an odd and unusual desire , but probably didn 't hurt anything if we were careful but she was a little apprehensive about it all . My father said that he was still angry that I had told Derek and Aunt Helen and not him , and he said he would make up for lost time . Over the next week , my father tied me up three times . Twice he tied me in our living room while watching television . I freed myself quickly . He was disappointed that I managed to escape so fast . . Once he had to work at home , so he tied my wrists together , put tape on my mouth , and pulled my arms up over my head to a hook in the ceiling of his work room . I hung there for about an hour and then he said that was enough and he let me go . My father didn 't know much about how to tie me up very well . " Well , I like to be tied up so I can 't free myself . I like to be tied up really tight and secure . I like a gag that really works . I like to be tied for longer than you leave me - and not know when I 'm going to be freed I like to be tied really strictly with little opportunity to move . " " But you know as well as I do that it 's fun and it 's pleasurable . We don 't know why , but you and I both find being really tightly tied up enjoyable and thrilling . But I have to know that I can 't get loose , and can 't say anything . I have to know that someone else is in charge - not paying attention to what I might want . I have to be able to struggle and pretend that I want to be untied . I like to squirm and grunt and groan and beg to be untied but get nowhere . That 's part of the excitement of the game . " " I don 't know if I can do that . It was your mother who always tied me up , and I haven 't had much experience doing it to someone else . I 'll have to work on it . " I said that Aunt Helen and Derek had no difficulty keeping me bound , and I told Dad that didn 't need to tie me up so often - that once in a while was better but that each time should be longer - much longer than just an hour or so . I said that my aunt had kept me bound for hours and that I loved it - often over night and longer . I could protest and complain and whine and struggle and they just ignored me . That made it really fun . We talked for a very long time , and my father said that he would see what he could do . My father is a problem solver - it 's part of what he does in his work . He loves a challenge , and he is proud when he manages to find a way to do something that is difficult or seemingly impossible . Meanwhile , he got me a summer job with his company so that I would have an income . I would be doing assigned jobs with no specific hours required - just do the task and then be assigned the next one . The job was temporary as I would be going back to college in the fall for graduate work . Wednesday the following week at breakfast dad said he would be working at home all day . He asked how I was doing on my current task , and I said that I had it almost completed , well ahead of schedule . He smiled and said that I should finish up eating , then meet him in his office . I went in wondering what he would do . He has a large heavy wood chair in there with a high back and rigid arms . . He had me stand with my back to him and my hands up behind my back with my right palm at my left elbow and vice versa . He tied my wrists to the opposite arm , then reinforced the ties with duct tape , taping my hands firmly to my arms covering my fingers with two or three wraps . Then he took the tape and wrapped it around my body midway between my elbows and shoulders - three times around firmly . He put the plug of the gag into my mouth , and then buckled the straps tightly until my head was surrounded by the leather straps and my mouth sealed by the wide leather band across the front . Next he took a long ace bandage and wrapped it around my head covering the gag tightly , under my chin , leaving open only my nose and my eyes . He used long strips of duct tape to hold the ace bandage in place . So I was then gagged with the leather gag , the ace wrap and wraps of duct tape . Next he had me sit in the chair . He wrapped rope around my body at my waist , and at chest level securing me to the chair . He reinforced these with wraps of duct tape . Dad took my legs , one at a time , and bent my knees so that my heels almost touched my hip at the sides of the chair , and he tied them there to the side of the chair . My legs were now hair - pin shaped with my upper legs and legs below my knees almost parallel to each other . He tied my legs firmly . Next he took duct tape and wrapped it over my upper legs , around under the chair and under my lower legs and around back up over my upper legs and he went around three times . The chair had a tall back which I was now firmly tied to with the tape and rope . It had side bars that went up and a center design with open space between . Dad took the duct tape and started over my mouth area , then around the design part of the chair and back around over my mouth three times . Then he aid the same at the level of my forehead . My head was now firmly fixed to the chair and I could hardly move my head at all . My arms were bound behind my back squeezed between my body and the chair . My legs were bound to the chair with rope and tape . It was by far the strictest tie - up I had ever had It was wonderful ! And it was frightening - really frightening . Had we gone too far ? If it was too much , it was all my fault . I had asked for it ! And we had not arranged for any way for me to indicate that it was too much . After a while my step - mother came in to look . She said , " He seems to be tied up nicely this time . I hope he likes it . It still really bothers me to see him this way . I don 't know what you two see in this strange activity . " " Now , " said my dad looking at me , " get out of that . This is what you said you wanted , and it 's what you 've got . You 're going to be there for a while - a long time , so enjoy . " " Wow , " I thought . " This is really something " . It 's what I said I wanted , only suddenly I wasn 't so sure . It was so strict and tight that I couldn 't move much at all , and could hardly make any sound through all the wraps of the gag . I sat there and watched my father work . Minutes are hours and vice versa when you are tied up . All I knew was that I was really really tied up this time . I began to realize that it was one thing to talk in theory about how I wanted to be tied up and it was another thing to have it actually happen . I remembered the old slogan , " be careful what you wish for , you might get it . " Well , I had gotten it and gotten it but good . I could hardly squirm and the whole thing was fantastic but really restrictive . All I could do was wait for something to happen . I tried making a little noise through the gag , but nothing much came out but grunting . I know Dad heard me but he ignored me . Finally , after what seemed like forever my step - mother came in with her digital camera . She took three or four pictures . She said she was doing it for my Aunt Helen who had asked her to keep a record of me whenever I was in bondage . " You are having a good time aren 't you , " she said smiling . " I guess I 'm happy we can do what you like for a change - something you and your father can do together . It is odd that a boy would enjoy being tied up like that and I think it 's odd that his father would want to tie him up . " " You see , " said dad , " I 've talked to him and this is his fantasy . He 's bound about as tight as I can think to tie him , gagged , and he 's going to be there for quite a while . I haven 't decided how long yet , but a very long time for sure ! " " That was the idea , " said dad . " He specifically asked for strict inescapable bondage , tight gag , full restriction . And that 's what he 's got . " " I 'll bet he does , " said dad . " It 's his dream come true . Since he likes this , I intend to do it for him a lot . " " I really like this , " translated my aunt . She looked up at me and smiled . " The next time I tie you up , it will be a lot stricter , " she added , " and for a lot longer . " I was going crazy with frustration . What was wrong with them ? Couldn 't they tell I wanted out ? Twenty - four hours so strictly tied was way too long . Then I hit on an idea . " Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmmmmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmm Mmm Mmm Mmm . " It was " SOS " in Morse code . Now I was wild - grunting and groaning into the gag with everything I could give it . Ignoring me , my aunt and my father went on talking and laughing about how well I was bound and how I must be enjoying it . Then my aunt left and my father turned and went back to work at his desk . Eighteen more hours trussed up on that chair . It wasn 't my fantasy , it was becoming a nightmare . " You 've only been there seven hours , " my dad said . You 've got seventeen hours to go . Is it as much fun as you thought ? " I thought so . Sam , did you give us permission to tie you up whenever we want , however we want , for as long as we want ? Right ? " That was the last straw . I tried to shout , beg , anything . I was okay then , but not another seventeen hours ! ! ! . I really worried that my father meant it as he usually did what he said he was going to do . I needed to get them to untie me any way I could . At least take the gag off . " There 's a lesson here , BeeBee , " said my aunt . " Be careful who you let tie you up . Don 't talk yourself into something you can 't talk your way out of . " " Yes , " said dad . " I know from what I 've seen that you really enjoy bondage and that you 'll want it a lot - maybe through the rest of your life . It would be easy when you 're in college or away to run into someone who might tie you up and then hurt you - possibly very badly . Never let anyone tie you up who you don 't know very well and trust . " " That 's for sure , " said my aunt . " And don 't tell someone you want to be bound for hours or days when you really don 't . You might find yourself really in big trouble for a long time and badly hurt . " With that , despite my gagged pleas , they turned to each other and went on with a conversation about family things . I had truly done it to myself - gotten myself tied up more than I could have imagined - something that I could not get myself out of no matter what until they decided to free me . At least it sounded like they might not keep me bound so tightly for the entire time . Finally they untied my legs , and it was heavenly straightening them out . They freed me from the chair , and removed the tape over the gag and the ace bandage but not the leather gag itself . I stood and on wobbly legs , walked around dad 's office . " Put out your arms , " he instructed . I did , and he pulled on the jacket , fastened the buckles and straps , and soon I stood , still gagged , with my arms fastened to my sides in the jacket , the crotch straps pulled down around the diaper . They took me out to the kitchen where they sat me on a chair . " You must finish the 24 hours , " dad said , " but in a more comfortable way - not quite so strictly bound . In a while Ruth will come with something to eat and drink . I 'll come too , and remove the gag . Remember , say nothing or the gag goes back and stays . Clear ? " My aunt and Derek left to drive home . Dad removed the gag and Ruth gave me more to eat and drink . And they changed the diaper again , fixing me up for the night , dad said . They put me into my bedroom , had me lay on my back on the bed , and tied my legs to the corners of the bed so that I was spread - eagled from the waist down . Another piece of rope fastened on the head - harness - gag and tied my head to the top of the bed . And I stayed that way all night . In the morning dad took me to the kitchen and tied me to a chair , removed the gag and Ruth fed me breakfast . Then the gag went back . My mouth was getting really sore from the gag , but I didn 't dare say anything . Dad said there wasn 't much longer until the time was up , so he didn 't change the diaper again . They left me tied to the kitchen chair as my step - mom worked cooking and cleaning . You would have thought she had a young man tied and gagged in her kitchen all the time and that it was a normal thing . We 've had a couple of long talks about it , and looking back it was a wild crazy experience . With it behind me , I said to dad that I almost wished he had left me in the chair longer - the entire time maybe . Despite my distress , it was great . Looking back , I was sorry he had relented and freed me despite my protests . He said he would think it over . He would oblige me with bondage , but not punishment except maybe for a few minutes to teach me a lesson . He hoped I had learned an important lesson sitting in that chair . I said that I had . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
May 24 , 2017 Leave a Comment Hello this is Jack ! I am a good boy ! I am an excellent hunter , and up here I 'm a great angel , too ! Yes , today makes it one whole year since I floated away in my humans arms and went up to heaven . I remember I was tired and in pain and we were looking into each others eyes and she was petting me and calling me Sweet Boy and then she faded away and the next thing I knew I had no pain at all and I was with Buddy , and Sweet Pea and Zeke and Precious , and Smokey and all of the many fur and feather babies that my human has loved over the years and we 've been running around in a beautiful grassy park ever since . But I 've been keeping an eye on my human . She 's had a very hard time this past year . I 've tried to visit her in dreams , to comfort her and tell her I 'm okay . She loves hard , and forever , and sometimes has a hard time moving on . So I just couldn 't stay away today . I 'm here to bring her a special message . Hello my human ! It 's me , Jack ! I miss you too ! I know . I know . I wish we had more time , too . It just wasn 't meant to be . But the time we did have was the BEST ! You made me so happy ! I love you ! I adore you ! Please don 't be sad any more . It makes me sad too . I am always with you in your heart . I know you can feel it . So you have to know that my back disease wasn 't your fault . None of it was your fault . You need to know that . It 's okay . When I look back to a year ago , I know you did your very best for me . Remember how sick you were ? It was so hot . You coughed and coughed . You hadn 't slept in weeks . Yet you found the strength to try to take care of me , and everyone else . Remember how hard it was to pick me up and get me outside ? You braced yourself up against the wall and lifted my broken body into your chest , barely making it down the steps of our home on wheels . I know that really hurt . I saw your tears . But you never complained . You just held my back end up in the yard so I wouldn 't pee on myself . You carried me in and out for many , many days . You tried to make my medicine taste good and gave me special treats even when I didn 't feel like eating them . You kept my sores and " sick bed " clean and dry . You sat with me and told me what a good boy I was when I felt so terrible and sad . You didn 't let that man take me and " put me down " . Not every human would have done that . Not every human would have tried so hard . Not every human would have kept so much hope and determination . I will always love you for that - you were the best ! I 'm very grateful for every minute of our time together . I would not want to have been with any other human . I 'm so grateful , too , that my original human gave me to you . She was smart and good and she sure knew what she was doing , even though I was scared to go with you at first . She knew we were meant to be together . Even though it was only for a year and a half , we had many wonderful adventures I 'll cherish forever . Laying on the soft couch , the smell of your cooking , all those cushy toys to put in my mouth , riding in the truck , hunting the birds , that skunk , swimming in the big ocean water , running free on the farm , pointing the lizards and chasing those long skinny legged birds , all of those bones and chews , curling up with you on that big chair … . . my life with you was pure joy . Never did get on board with those two female dust mops though . Yes . For me , our time was perfect . I want you to think so too . Remember the good stuff , my loving human , just the good stuff . The last thing I 'll say is that I am an excellent hunter and so are you . All of us up here that have shared in your life feel the same way . We all want to see you celebrating the outdoors again . It 's time . You need to open your heart to a new hunting partner . You have plenty of room in that great big heart . Buddy and I want you to . So do it . Go hunting this fall . Find a good boy or girl , and spend the summer together getting ready to chase birds all fall . They will stand at your side and adore you just like we all do . Please promise you 'll make new adventures and memories and share your heart again . Thank you for stopping by and reading my post . You can read all about the adventures me and my human PR had together in the outdoors … I wrote lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " . I was careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! If you like what you see , please let her know by " liking " her website . ( She says it 's important to get " likes " , whatever that means . I know I like her lots ! ) You can even join her tribe to automatically receive new postings ' hot off the press ' . Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . Thanks again , Jack . December 22 , 2016 Leave a Comment This past autumn has been so very hard . Missing Jack . Unable to go hunting . Watching the leaves turn from my back yard instead of from endless woods full of birds and bucks . My hunting season has been reduced to closing my eyes and remembering past experiences . Just not the same thing . Temperatures hovered at unusual highs in early November , offering me many opportunities to escape to a warmer , friendlier place . I had to accept the harsh reality that I 'm likely not going anywhere warm any time soon . Life is changing for me , indeed . And ohhh , to have to face a Minnesota winter . With a heavy sigh I carefully transported several light boxes of delicate Christmas baubles to the front window area , then began pulling my dainty " toy hauler size " tree out of its box . It was cold and stiff . It 's little artificial branches were hugging tight to the trunk , not very willing to open up into place . I pulled and separated the 3 sections onto the floor , then fit the base sections into their slots so the tree would stand freely . This brave little tree has not known cold . It has traveled the country with me to warm weather destinations , standing proud amidst the palm trees and tropical plants in 60 and 70 degree temperatures , never complaining . As I fit the middle to the base , then the top to the middle , I recalled the strange feeling of our first Christmas in Florida . Yes , many precious memories with this tree . I began fussing with the flattened branches to open them up and breathe some life into my little tree . Finding the plugs for the lights , I spun the sections to line up plugs , then tested out the lights . All working perfect ! I returned to opening up branches , looking into the clusters of squished boughs for any sign of wear or breakage . Instantly , with feet peddling a mile a minute , I was rocketing backwards . My reflexes automatically reached for something ( the tree ) to stop me ( from falling ) realizing I was too late ( and hit the floor ) landing hard and still scrambling to get some distance between me and that creature infested tree ! I pushed myself away so fast that I took down a box of ornaments from the chair , causing shiny round orbs to roll all over the floor . OH did I mention that I was pretty much screaming the whole way down ? I made it to the other side of the room - without crushing any of the escaped ornaments . Out of breath and out of sorts , I stood up and did a little pacing in the dining room , trying to get my composure back . I need to dispatch the spider . I grabbed the broom and cautiously approached the tree , peering into its branches from a safe distance . Didn 't see anything moving anywhere . Thinking maybe it 's on the underside of the tree , I tried erecting the tree back up with help from the broomstick - causing the base pieces to fall out of place . You have to realize , this isn 't your every day run of the mill spider . No , this is a Florida spider - they can close up a walking path with a web in a matter of hours and catch unsuspecting birds and animals in it … . some of them can carry a small child away … well maybe now I 'm being a little melodramatic … . but still ! That thing was huge ! I creped back over to the tree , just out of arms reach and peered again into the bristly branches . There it was . I stared , and stared , and stared at the hairy legged beast , waiting for it to make it 's move . I rustled the tree with the broom just a little bit . By now , both of my dust mop dogs are highly curious about what 's happening . Sunny Girl is wandering closer and closer to the tree with a metal ornament stuck in her tail hair . From across the room I cry out for her to get away as she gets right up close to the spider . I have to rescue my little girl , so I dash in and scoop her up and away . After a thorough inspection from a distance , I reach the conclusion that nope , the spider is not alive . I surveyed the mess I made trying to get away from the dead spider . Wow . I wonder how long that thing was able to stay alive in the box ? When did that thing get into the box ? I have more boxes … . . oh dear . I mustered up the courage to scoop that monstrous being onto a piece of newspaper , then placed him on a metal tin for " show and tell " . Needless to say my tree decorating efforts came to a complete halt for the rest of the day . Finally got the tree trimmed that night , while keeping a sharp eye out for anything moving that shouldn 't be . Have had several false alarms , thinking I saw something in the tree … or on the floor … . and have had a couple dreams that I 'd like to un - dream . It 's one thing to have keepsakes of places you 've been to that you 'd like to remember . It 's a whole different matter to have fond memories of a Creepy Crawley Christmas ! Thank you for reading my post . What are you most passionate about ? What makes your soul sing ? I 'd love to hear about it ! All comments are greatly appreciated . For me , it 's any time I can be immersed in nature ! I love to ' get wild , rugged , and dirty ' , so to speak . You can get up close and personal to the great outdoors through many of my observations and experiences in my blog category , " Words From The Wild " . If you like what you see , please let me know by " liking " my website . You can even join my tribe to automatically receive new postings ' hot off the press ' . As always , please feel free to share my information with others who may find meaning and value in the outdoors from this outdoorswoman 's perspective , and PR Brady AdVentures . Thanks again ! May 25 , 2016 5 Comments Even though he sat upright waiting to lock eyes with me first thing in the morning , I knew . Even though his ears perked up and he made that cute " oh boy she 's bringing me something yummy " face as I made his breakfast , I knew . He even layed down in a relaxed position and crossed his front paws like he does when he wants to show me he 's a good boy - still , I knew . Despite being less and less able to hold himself up on all 4 legs , the Vet gave me hope with her examination back on May 12th . It would be a long haul , but he could recover . It would mean a minimum of 4 weeks of total bed rest and lots of drugs . I agreed to try it . And then my dear friend Lynn convinced me a " go - fund - me " campaign would rally scores of people to help , which would make it possible for Jack to get the surgery he needs so badly . After only 12 days into the medication program , he has shown a whole new set of serious problems complicating his condition . I 've been trying my best to hang onto hope with Jack . I need my boy . But today was clearly different . As I went to him first thing this morning , I was met with an all too familiar smell . It brought me back to my beloved Buddy 's final hours . That sad , familiar smell . He looked into my eyes and shifted to sit up straighter . " Yes , Jack , you are a good , good boy ! " Still , I pushed the thought away . I called my friend to come over and help me with him . I called the vet for advice on changing his meds . I reached out in frantic denial and selfish inability to let go , and I did my best to not accept the inevitable . I needed to be heard and have him be seen . He has way too much life in his eyes to not get better . I tore apart our little fenced in yard and was able to drive Paula 's son 's mini - van right up to my camper , close to where Jack lay watching me . My friend drove , while I rode in back with Jack . Throughout that long drive into town in the mini - van , I knew . As he lay trembling on the soft comforter and sheets we placed in the back of the van , he laid his head on my knee . He looked up at me with both apprehension and trust . For a moment I thought that perhaps … he knew , too . We have so much more to do together . So many more hunts to go on . We 've only just gotten started . I filled my mind with scenarios where Lynn would call and announce the go - fund - me campaign exceeded our expectations and Jack would be able to get the surgery . The Vet would tell me we can get Jack back on track in a matter of days . She would tell me he was looking better than she expected . She would tell me his situation looked hopeful . But when she walked into the exam room and looked at him , we all knew . His original diagnosis of degenerating disk disease was bad enough , but the complications now were insurmountable . Even if we could afford to do surgery today , the recovery potential just wasn 't there . It wasn 't a matter of making the " right " decision . It was a matter of admitting the " only " decision to make . I gave Jack treats , and he laid his head on my knee , looking up at me expectedly . I whispered into his ear " sweet boy " and he nuzzled my cheek . I kissed and pet his silky soft head and ears as they injected him with the sedative . He relaxed instantly . Clearly it was the best he 'd felt in a very long time . I told him how important he was to me . I thanked him for letting me be his human . I told him I 'd see him again soon , and we would go hunt the birds again . With his head on my knee , we continued to lock eyes . " I see you , baby . I 'm with you . I love you . " I could feel the comfort of my friends caring arms around me , holding me tight as I held Jack . I am very grateful for all the help that we received from people who stepped up out of nowhere in our most desperate hours . You have no idea what an impact your support made on me . I 'm humbled by your kindness . Even in the midst of the most unlikely and darkest times , somehow new bright friendships can be formed . So grateful for that , Miss Dixie , Paula , and everyone else who was there for us ! May 17 , 2016 2 Comments Hello humans , I am Jack and I am a good boy ! I know I have been gone a long time . We have been so busy , I never could get my paws to the keyboard and tell you about it . But I have all day today . Lately I 've been thinking back to this past fall . It was so wonderful . I spent many days in the fields , running , searching , finding the birds ! My Human is the best ! Every day , she brought me to a new place to hunt . We even hunted with the human I used to live with . That was great , too , although I did sort of get away from them for a few minutes in the tall grass one time . Oh , how I miss hunting the birds with my human . How I miss running in the fields . I think about it all the time . I miss the excitement of finding a bird . I miss hearing her call out " fetch it ! " . I miss seeing the look she gives me when I bring the bird to her . I miss sitting at her side with our quarry , taking proud pictures . I miss curling up on her reclining chair with her at the end of the day , resting from our big adventure . Before I knew it she was packing everything up to go back to the land with all the lizards . We didn 't stay in the same place as before . This time , there were more people there , and a great big dog called Styx . When we arrived we stayed in the home on wheels . It was very cramped and not fun at all the first month while we waited to see where we would be moving to . I didn 't get to go out much unless we went away in the car . Styx attacked me for no reason one day when I was sitting in the car . He really scared me , but I didn 't let on . My human made absolutely sure it never happened again , and kept him away from me and the two little hairy dogs . She built us a wonderful yard to play in all winter . I had a big job all winter . I went to work with my human many days . My big job was to run around on the farm and make sure everything was safe . I checked high and low , and everything was always safe . My next job was to point the lizards . THAT was a full time job ! My best job was to greet all the humans that came to visit the farm . They were always so nice ! I would make sure they knew I was a good boy and an excellent hunter . They always said I was a sweet boy . Yes , I am that , too . My favorite visitors were the little humans . Sometimes there would be so many of them I would be surrounded . I liked that . They were always so gentle and would look into my eyes with love . I like the little humans a lot . This winter I was taunted once again with those big fat birds that walk around the farm . And they were at our home on wheels , too . I am an excellent hunter , and I know I could get one of those birds for my human if she would just let me . I tried and tried to put a sneak on them , but would get scolded every time . I will never understand that ! But it sure is exciting to think about it , and to try . Something happened I can 't explain . I started feeling uncomfortable . My back hurt . A lot . I started to limp a little , and it wasn 't as easy to go get the ball . One time when I was running across the yard I tripped and it hurt so bad I cried out and tumbled and couldn 't get back up . My human came running to me , got all excited , and brought me to the Doctor . They looked at me and poked and prodded and put me into a machine and took pictures of me . They said nothing was broke but I 'm old and my back was degenerating . What did that mean ? I want to run like the wind and stand at my humans side and have great adventures together because I am a good boy and we are a great team . I am Jack ! The Doctor said it was a condition that would just get worse , but I should take a Previcox every day and could go get massages every day to make my back feel better . My human started to cry . She could not afford pills and $ 50 a day for massages . She talked to my former human . I could not tell what they said , but she cried and cried after they talked . She massaged me , and so did many visitors that came to the farm . I started taking one Previcox every day . But it still got harder and harder to move my back legs . Every day I lost more movement . I couldn 't lift my leg to pee without support . Then it got so hard to move that I couldn 't go up and down the stairs to our home on wheels without help . I couldn 't get in and out of the truck without help . And then , I couldn 't do it at all , even with help . My human started carrying me in and out . This became very hard for her when I kept getting worse because then she got very sick , too . So I tried my best to pull myself up on solid ground and take a few steps . I am a strong boy , and I was able to pull myself up for days ! Then , I wasn 't sure if my back legs were still back there or not . I would pull them behind me , thinking " come on , legs , work for me ! " But they would not . I would just fold in half . I couldn 't go with her to work any more . She could barely get there herself . I know we are trying to go home to the house with the big fenced in yard . But my human is very sick , and now here I am , like this . She is so sick she cannot pick me up and take me outside anymore . So now I stay outside all the time . I am sad and ashamed to be this way . I see the look on my humans face . She tries to not let me see her cry . She cries a lot . I heard her say she was so tired of losing everything important to her . I heard her talking to someone about free help for me , but she didn 't qualify because we aren 't Florida residents . Two humans came over and looked at me and said I should be put down . Put down ? What is that ? I already am down . Styx 's human gave her money for another Doctor visit . My human took me to a new Doctor . They told her more than the first one . I have Hansen Type 2 Disk Disease . It 's been going on for a long time , long before I came to live with her . It 's why my back made so much noise when I wagged my tail . One thing that might fix me is surgery . That isn 't an option . The other is medication . So here I am , on my 6th day of medication . Robaxin and Tramadol and Rantidine and Carafate and Prednisone . The new Doctor said this would go on for 21 days . I don 't really know how long that is , but it already seems like forever and I am not happy . I know I 'm a burden . I know these pills are not going to fix me and today I tried to not take them . I watch her watching me . She is frustrated and trying to hide those pills in sliced turkey . I don 't know why my human is trying so hard to make me better . She can 't . I am an excellent hunter and a good boy , but I am tired of laying here helpless . We need to go home . Oh , how I miss hunting the birds with my human . How I miss running in the fields . I miss the excitement of finding a bird . I miss hearing her call out " fetch it ! " . I miss seeing the look she gives me when I bring the bird to her . I miss sitting at her side with our quarry , taking proud pictures . I miss curling up on her reclining chair with her at the end of the day resting from our big adventure . I will never forget the day she brought me home and let me lay on her cozy comfortable couches and chairs . She is the best human ! We went on walks and played ball , and she brought me to fancy places where many humans sat around eating food , and some brought me food and water in special bowls and everyone there would tell me how sweet and special I was . Thank you for stopping by and reading my post . You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are having together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " . I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! If you like what you see , please let her know by " liking " her website . ( She says it 's important to get " likes " , whatever that means . I know I like her lots ! ) You can even join her tribe to automatically receive new postings ' hot off the press ' . Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . Thanks again , Jack . September 8 , 2015 Leave a Comment Hello ! I am Jack and I am a good boy ! Well most of the time , anyway . Just the other day I had a brand new kind of adventure . It put a pretty good scare into my human and her friend . The hair balls were even upset . Luckily , all is well now . But if I could hold a pen , I would write this and give it to the neighbor . I am Jack and I am a good boy . I am a famous hunter , too . Thank you for seeing me running free across the street , and catching me . My human was very worried , and scared , and also mad at me for leaving our yard . She said it was the worst 20 minutes of her life ! She and her friend ran up and down our street looking for me . I didn 't realize how bad of a thing I had done . The gate was cracked open and I thought she was just on the other side . How can anyone blame me for getting caught up in the moment ? All that unexplored ground on the other side of our fence ? Just around the corner from our house there were so many vertical objects to pee on , I kept hitting them and hitting them until I lost count ! Your two beautiful females watched me trot by , saying " run , Jack , run ! Be free ! " So in an effort to impress them , I did . The soft breeze in my face , my ears flapping in the wind , and so many bunny and squirrel smells ? I was dialed in and it was euphoria ! I haven 't been able to run like that since we came home from Florida ! And OH the endless opportunities to mark my turf ? How liberating ! Then you came along . I knew who you were by your scent ( hey , I 'm a dog , after all ! ) and I wondered if you would scold me , or what . You were very nice . You were very sneaky , too . You had me nailed with the treats , so I let you catch me . You gently slid that collar around my neck , and clipped the leash on . Alas , my adventure had to come to an end . I didn 't realize how far away I had gone until my human saw us down the side street , ran to us and fell into your arms crying . After that long walk back she said I could have been hit by a car and hurt or killed , or someone could have just scooped me up into their car and taken me away forever . I felt real bad . REAL bad . I love my human and my home - and even those two female hairballs . So thank you for catching me . You probably saved my life . I am sorry I played " hard to get " with you and interrupted your afternoon . You were really nice . And sweet touch with those treats . They were good ! I am sorry I made my human cry and worry . Thank you for being nice to her too . When she held my head in her hands and said " I can 't lose you too ! " I was ashamed for what I did . I know my human has gone through a lot already . I have learned my lesson and I won 't leave our yard again without her . I understand , she really needs me ! Your two female canines smell so fine I can barely think straight . Their long , long legs and perfectly groomed tails give me crazy dreams . We 've exchanged glances through the fence for some time now . The way they smile and show their bright white teeth , and tilt their beautiful dark heads and gaze at me with their big brown eyes , my heart melts and they really make my tail wag . A lot . Are they seeing any other dogs ? I am available and interested in both of them . Any time you want to let us play together , I 'm just across the fence , humbly at their service . I am Jack and I am a good boy . In fact , I am a charming ladies ' man . I am an excellent hunter , too ! Thank you for stopping by and reading my post . You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are having together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " . I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! If you like what you see , please let her know by " liking " her website . ( She says it 's important to get " likes " , whatever that means . I know I like her lots ! ) You can even join her tribe to automatically receive new postings ' hot off the press ' . Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . Thanks again , Jack How surprising it is to realize the impact you 've had on me ; on my life . It 's true , there are places where we went , that I still cannot go to . Especially places we went those last few months , those places are still oh so painful to visit . Sometimes I think I feel you around me . Moments catch me by surprise with memories of you , your silly antics , your steadfast loyalty , and your focused dedication to the hunt . Those moments press hard on my chest , on my heartstrings , clawing up into my throat , taking my breath away . And then I cry . Another bird season is approaching , and we will miss that too . But now your friend Jack is ready to stand at my side . It will be our first time together . It 's true , I sometimes accidently call him by your name . He has patience beyond measure with me . Please stand alongside him , and help him learn to work with me the amazing way you did . He too , is a very good boy . But oh how I miss watching you run like the wind , with ears flapping and nose to the ground - the lean mean hunting machine . My hunting companion . My companion . Thank you for reading my post . You can read all about my boy … there are lots of stories under " Buddy - A Series of Adventures " in my blog category , " Words From The Wild " . If you like what you see , please let me know by " liking " my website . You can even join my tribe to automatically receive new postings ' hot off the press ' . As always , please feel free to share my information with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . Thanks again ! Filed Under : Words from the Wild Leave a CommentI am Jack - Are You Chicken ? June 11 , 2015 5 Comments I have to say , this place where we are living is totally cool and I am so glad to be my humans boy . I love it here . I get to run and run and run with no fences for as long as I want . She takes me on amazing walks through the palm trees and the swamp grass , and I find all sorts of critters to point out to her . I am very good at my job and find all sorts of things that are important to point . My human and I were out walking the horses to their pasture one morning . I am a big helper in the morning . Those horses rely on me to run ahead and make sure everything is safe , and come back and let them know everything is ok . I am a good boy and a great scout , and I do my job well ! The two boy horses are particularly nervous in the morning , so I try to show them they should not be scared . I ran back and forth , and back and forth , monitoring the whole way , and saw no threats . We brought the horses to their day time place safely once again . As she was locking the horse pasture gate , the head humans truck arrived , and she stopped to talk to her . I stood around waiting , but that was boring . So I left , and went exploring . I found many fresh , interesting smells , and lots of great new places to pee ! Then I ran all the way back up to the picnic area where she ties me up . Every day after we are done bringing the horses out , we stop and give the pig a treat , then walk up to the big building . There , she ties my leash up to the picnic table before going to get the chickens out of the little building . I ran to the chicken building where several birds were still sitting up high on sticks . They started squawking and flapping their wings and making a big scene at me . They just weren 't very interesting , so I turned around to see where the rest were . " Ah HA ! There is the one I need ! Right there ! " And I sneaky creeped over towards the big fluffy brightly colored bird with the spurs , and firmly pointed to it . So , I took a step towards it , still holding my most impressive point . That sent the bird into a fit of noise and flapping that I just had to stop . My human isn 't here to shoot the bird , so I have to take matters into my own paws ! I am not giving up this bird , I got it for her . I am an excellent hunter , and a good boy ! I worked hard and waited months for this chance ! I got her this great big colorful bird ! But the look on her face makes me sad for what I 've done . As I am looking in her eyes with confusion that bird whaps me in the face again and again , and stings my eyes , and I lose my grip . She is still screaming " no " as the bird pulls away from me and slides behind some bushes against the deck . I am right behind him and I will get him again ! I get ahold of him again , this time by the back end , and he is squawking hard and flapping around and feathers are flying all over the place . She is crying out " no ! " and tries to get into the bushes with us , but it 's all too much action and I back out with the big bird in my mouth . She is crying " give , give me the bird ! " And I am not sure I should let go since it is still so very much alive . It escapes her grasp and runs to the deck , and before I could get out from the bushes to go after it she grabs me by my collar and hugs me hard , crying " oh what am I going to do with you baby ? " I know , she loves me ! She is hugging me ! I am a Pointer and an excellent hunter ! But then she walks me to the picnic table and hooks me up to my leash . And finally , she said , " at least I don 't have to wonder how he will be in the field this fall . " Oh goodness , did she have doubts ? I must work much harder to make sure she knows I am her good boy and I will point and fetch the birds for her . All she has to do is shoot them . Or …… not … . actually …… because , You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are having together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " . I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . May 20 , 2015 11 Comments Hi , I am Jack ! I am a good boy ! Yes , it 's me again ! Sorry to have been away so long , but my new human has been very busy and keeping me very busy too . Just listen to this … . . So , one day when it was really hot out and the sun was very bright , she takes me and her friend to this great big long sandy place that has water all the way out as far as I can see . Guess what ? There are humans and other dogs , and birds everywhere ! I am not interested in those humans and dogs . But those birds . Wow ! Big white ones with spindly long legs , little white ones , and some big gray ones with very long beaks . Of course I am dialed in and ready for action . I am a good boy , and I am an excellent hunter . Surely this is a place for us to go get the bird . I could get all of those birds for her ! She says " no bird " , every time I try to take a run at one of them . Is she crazy ? She won 't let me off my leash . Still I try to alert her each time one of those birds comes close . Her and her friend don 't care . None of the other humans or dogs seem to care either . What 's up with that ? Well I am a Pointer . And I am really smart . And I know those birds are taunting me . They are asking for it . They know I can 't get to them . They casually walk by just out of reach , acting like they don 't know I will fetch them . I didn 't mean to tip over her food and drink , I didn 't mean to mess up the towels and drag her friends bag by the corner … but come on , those birds are right there ! If I could just break free of this darn leash I could get one or two ! She ran into the water and called to me . I thought , " What are you doing ? Where are you going ! ? What if she doesn 't come back ? " Her friend unhooked my leash and I ran across the sand to her because she called to me . Who knows what might be in this big water . Maybe big birds or other creatures ! I admit it , I am nervous , but I want to show her that I am there for her and so I run right into that water to her . The water came toward me and splashed onto the sand so I had to push through it and it made my face wet . It got deeper and deeper , and soon I couldn 't touch the sandy ground so I just ran as hard as I could without touching the ground . My legs would not go fast in the water . I could not run fast . It felt strange for the water to make me float , and I was still nervous , but I managed to keep my tail and nose up and out of the water . Not so much with my ears , though . I thought I would drown , but somehow I stayed afloat until I reached her . All the while she is calling me " come on , Jack , good boy , you can do it ! " Oh I don 't understand why she is doing this to me but it does feel pretty good , being in this warm water with the sun shining on us . Even if I have to keep running and running to stay afloat . Then she backed away and made me follow . I stared deep into her eyes , trying to tell her this is probably not a good place to be , but I ran as hard as I could in that deep water and kept close to her . She kept saying " what a good boy ! You can swim ! " Well I don 't know what that means , but I wasn 't about to let her get out of reach . I did my best to be her good boy and follow her . And then suddenly she disappeared under that water . I tried to grab her with my paws , but it all happened so fast ! I splashed and splashed , but she was gone ! And I tried to turn around and look behind me but it was so hard ! And I ran very hard , but didn 't really go anywhere . It went on forever ! I was getting so tired ! Then I felt something touch my side under the water . So I plunged my head into the water . I wanted to see where she had gone . I gasp … well look at that ! I can see her legs . Look ! She is standing on the ground … . . Well who knew you should close your mouth when you put your head under the water ? Is that what she did ? UGH , I did not like that salty water taste , but it filled my mouth and went down my throat so fast ! I started to panic and splash , and I coughed it out of my mouth while she held me . Wow , that was close ! She hugged me and told me I was her good boy , and I floated in her arms , resting . Then she guided me back toward the sandy land and let me go . I started running after her , and soon the water was not so deep . Soon I could touch the ground . Then we were out of that water . We rushed back to our blankets and chairs and she grabbed a towel to wipe more water off of me . She was so excited , telling me how I am such a good boy . I wagged my tail and danced while she rubbed me down . But I sure was tired after that water game . And the air is cold on my damp body . So when she sat down on her big chair , I put on my best moves , and inched my way to her . I wanted to be near her , cuddle with her . My human who says I can swim . I want to be right with her . So I manage to crawl up onto her lap . She is nice and warm . She pulls a big towel over us , and holds me in her arms . I am so lucky to be with this human . She takes care of me . I love my human . I 'm glad I found out her feet were always on the ground in that deep water . You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are having together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " . I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . February 3 , 2015 Leave a Comment Hi ! I am Jack ! I am a very good boy . I am an expert hunter . I like to fetch the ball , too . She went out into the big screened room of our home on wheels , and made a tree with her bare hands that doesn 't look like any tree I 've ever seen . She pulled it 's parts out of a big box . It doesn 't smell like a tree , it doesn 't feel like a tree , and yet it looks just like one . I think I need to pee on it . That would maybe help . But every time I go over to it to lift my leg , she SCREAMS at me to get away . And THEN … . she put something underneath that strange tree that smells so amazing I can hardly stand it . I 'm not the only one , either , that feels that way . Those two blonde females are always trying to get under the tree to get to that container with the great smell . Every time we go over to the tree to try to see what it is , she SCREAMS at us to get away . She yells at me if my tail knocks off the things on that tree . She yells at me if I try to see what is underneath that tree . I don 't understand why that darn tree is so special . And THEN , there 's those big stockings . They are hanging up high right over my kennel . There are some crazy good smells coming from those stockings ! I try to jump up to reach one , and when I do , she SCREAMS at me to get down . So , then she told me I have to sit down and be still . Right next to the strange tree . You have no idea how hard this is for me to do . But , fine . I 'll do it for her . She looks at me from behind some black thing , and says " good boy , Jack . " Well , I know I am a good boy ! I am an amazing hunter , too ! And I am doing my best to behave , not ignore her yelling and just pee on that tree . Even though I know it needs it ! And THEN , another human comes over and they make me and those blonde hairballs go outside and sit together by some real trees . How crazy that I have to sit with those two hairball females . But , it seems so important to my human , so I do it . She squats down next to me . The other human is looking at us with that black thing , and she , too says " good boy , Jack , good girls . " You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are going to have together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . December 15 , 2014 Leave a Comment Hi ! I am Jack ! I am a good boy ! I am a Pointer , and I am very well trained ! I am an excellent hunter ! This is my first chance to write to you again - my human has been keeping us very busy . She is one crazy human . Can you believe she took me away from that wonderful , perfectly warm and comfortable house to ride in a kennel in her truck in cold and snow ? Even though my kennel was in the back seat , I could not hear anything about where we were going . She did not say a word . But she took those two hairy females along , and all four of us rode for days and days . For the first few days it was very cold and wet . Every time she stopped , I thought ; " this is it , she is giving me away ! " And I was very sad . But it never happened ! She brought us into this very small building on wheels , attached to her truck , to eat and rest every day . It was like a kennel for humans , but it is not a place to pee . Those two hairy females were very protective of that space . They didn 't hardly let me move , so I stayed close to human Patty and that seemed to make them even more upset . Especially when I wagged my tail . There just isn 't any room to wag my tail in that kennel place . She calls it a " Toy Hauler " . Where are the toys ? I like toys ! The weather got warmer and warmer each day . And then it got hot . We stop many times . Each time I think ; " Is she stopping to give me away ? " I am scared . I am a good boy and I want to stay and win her heart . We stopped where there was a whole field of green grass . My human took me for long walk on it , but it wasn 't grass like at home . It smelled different , and wasn 't so soft . Is this where she will give me away ? I am scared and apprehensive during that whole walk . That was 16 days ago . I have not been in the kennel in the truck since . She did not give me away . Now we live in that building on wheels in a very mysterious , exotic place like I have never known . There are some other humans that live here and visit here . The human in charge has three , yes , THREE female canine ! Two of them are tiny and timid and bark all the time . The other one is a little bigger and bosses me around constantly . I am surrounded by two and four legged females . Maybe this is what hell is like ? But there is at least one male human that comes around every once in a while . Does he understand this hellish situation ? Sometimes human Patty lets me stay outside while she goes somewhere for a long time . There is not a lot to do when she is gone so long . I don 't know why those rugs , and garden tools , and that thing that hangs from the pole and makes noise when the wind blows are all so important that I can 't " relocate " it all to somewhere else . Every time I do , she comes back and is mad at me , and says " why do you keep doing this ? I leave you for 30 minutes and this is what you do ? No , Jack ! No ! " There are many animal smells here that I have never smelled before . There are birds here that have legs and necks that make them much taller than me ! I have pointed many birds and suspicious smells out to human Patty , but she is always saying " no Jack , no bird " . But I am certain those freshly dug up dirt piles on our walk that I smelled need her attention . I just know that they were made by a danger to our pack . But she says , " no , Jack , we don 't hunt the armadillos . " What is an armadillo ? She is one crazy human ! She should trust me when I find these concerns . I am a Pointer ! I am very smart , and I am well trained . And there is a flock of chickens that I just know I could help with . And a flock of turkeys , too ! And there is something out there in the thick exotic brush that I can 't quite figure out yet . Why won 't she let me help ? We play ball every day , and go for walks in the exotic woods and visit the animals behind the fences . I cuddle at night with my human and watch TV . I get to meet new humans all the time . They say things like I need to eat more . Don 't they know I am perfect the way I am ? I am a Pointer ! I am a very good boy , and I am built perfectly . My new human Patty gives me everything I need , and more . This place is very confusing . I like it , even though I hear " no " all the time . I don 't think human Patty will be giving me away here . She may be one crazy human but I think I have won her heart , and she will not give me away . I am happy that she brought me here , and I try to show her all the time . You can read all about the adventures me and my new human PR are going to have together in the outdoors … I will write lots of stories under " I AM JACK " in her blog category , " Words From The Wild " I will be careful not to have many typos . I am a good boy ! Please feel free to share with others who may find meaning and value in our journey together , and PR Brady AdVentures . Inspiration Intake Hour Inspiration Ignited - PR 's Personal Power Program Discovery Day ! Discovery Adventure Trip ! Winter Glamping Adventures Wilderness Adventure Trips Return to top of pageCopyright PR Brady Adventures © 2017 · Privacy Statement · Be Inspired Design · Log in |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 16 , 2013 Two years ago , I started this blog . I began writing because I felt alone . I knew there had to be other gay men out there who were looking for the same thing I was , and I wanted a way to connect with them . At the time , I just ended my first gay relationship , and I found myself in very unchartered waters . I was already out to close friends , but not publicly . Because I had so few gay friends and a strong aversion to gay bars , I had to find a mate digitally . I began serial dating , at one point going on four dates in four days - And thus , One Gay At A Time was born . Since the beginning , I have gone on MANY dates and put myself in many situations well outside my comfort zone . I have not only grown more comfortable in my own skin , but I 've also grown up as a gay man . I got all the hookups out of my system and began searching for a meaningful , long - term relationship . The time has come for the next chapter of my life and for this blog . For quite some time I 've been blogging about CK ( aka Clark Kent or Superman ) . You 've gotten to know him through my eyes in the early stages of our relationship . It 's been some time since I 've blogged , and I apologize for leaving you , my readers in the lurch . I do not mean to abandon the small community I 've worked so hard to foster , but I 've been struggling with the next chapter of the blog . I had to make a choice between the blog and my man . It 's quite obvious which I chose . As a result , I will no longer be blogging about the specifics of my relationship with CK . However , in lieu of continuing to finish our story in a daily dairy format , let me catch you up on what has happened since July . Here are some of the highlights … In July , CK joined my family for our annual beach vacation . While I went for the entire week , he only joined us for a few days . It was the first time we 'd spent an extended period of time apart , and with my trust / cheating baggage , it was a true test of my sanity . I was thrilled and relieved when he finally arrived . It was also nice that he would finally get to spend some real - time getting to know my parents . In early August , I traveled to Miami , CK 's birthplace to surprise his family with a visit to celebrate the birthdays of his two beautiful nephews ( turning 1 and 2 only a week apart ) . I felt incredibly special taking this trip with CK . I was meeting his ENTIRE extended family . Before this point , I 'd only met his mother . I was welcomed into the family with open arms and came to grow strong bonds with them over just a handful of days . This was unchartered territory for both of us , as I 'd never been brought home to meet the family by anyone other than my high school girlfriend , and he 'd never brought a man home to meet everyone before . It could not have worked out better ! Around Labor Day , CK and I went on week - long vacation to the Hamptons with 15 of my friends and family . While there , our relationship grew very strained . I felt he was trying too hard to impress my friends . I wanted him to be himself so all of them would come to love the man I knew , not the man I felt he was trying to be for them . By the end of the week , I reached my breaking point . I was so stressed out from organizing the vacation and ensuring everyone was happy that I made myself miserable , and I took it out on the person closest to me . In the penultimate moment of the trip , one night we not only exchanged words but also fists and shoves , as my closest friends and sister witnessed the lowest moment of our relationship . It took a lot of time for CK and I to figure things out . This wasn 't the first time our relationship reached physicality , but I hoped it was the last . It also took a long time for things to return to normal between CK , me and my circle of friends . My sister wasn 't speaking to me for over a month and my friends had semi - ostracized me from typical gatherings . I burned a lot of bridges on that trip , and I am still working to rebuild them today . You can expect to read about my experiences and feelings dealing with issues such as physical violence in a relationship as one of the topics I will cover in coming posts . In September , CK and I found an apartment in Hoboken to call our own . We moved in together in the midst of Hurricane Sandy 's wake on November 2 . Although the experience of moving immediately following a hurricane is incredibly overwhelming , we are both stronger as a result of the experience . In my experience , moving in with a lover is unlike sharing a space with any other . You 'll certainly be reading about my experiences and the things I 've learned from this experience as well . After Sandy exhausted my last modicum of energy , I decided I was too tired to shave my upper lip . CK and I both decided to raise awareness and funds to fight prostate cancer by growing mustaches for Movember . I proudly raised over $ 500 for charity as a result of my stache , and I was thrilled when we both shaved them off - We both looked like pedophiles . For the first time in my life , I had someone to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving . Before venturing home , I sent my extended maternal family an email to get the awkwardness out of the way . You 'll be pleased to know my family welcomed him with open arms . I imagine coming out to extended family creates a lot of anxiety for man , as it did for me , so I hope sharing my experiences will encourage more to share the truth with the ones they love . When I returned to Hoboken after Thanksgiving , preparations began immediately for what would have been my Sixth Annual Holiday Bash . This year , it became Our First Annual Holiday Bash . I finally had someone to share the hosting duties with , making it extra special . Although CK and I spent Christmas apart , after all the festivities with my family , I hopped on a flight down to Miami to spend the rest of the holiday season and New Years Eve with my man and his family . CK 's sister and brother - in - law planned a trip with their two boys to Disney World for two days . After a little persuading , I convinced CK we should join them . I preferred Disney to a raucous gay party any day , and it was truly magical to see Disney World through the eyes of a two - year - old . In February , CK and I took a romantic trip to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz , NY . Although it seems we can 't go anywhere without having some kind of quarrel like an old married couple , the trip was amazing and couldn 't have come at a better time . We went ice skating , snow shoeing , swimming , hiking , and much more . It was a perfect escape for both of us to get out of the city and away from the bustle of it all after the holidays . In between , there have been countless brunches , parties , trips , nights out , Broadway shows , fights … Oh yea , and plenty of sex - Can 't forget the sex ! Overall , things have been going well for us . You have good days and bad days , but you have to realize the bad days are just there so you appreciate the good ones all the more . I am thrilled to announce , this past Saturday , CK and I celebrated our one - year anniversary at the restaurant we went to on our first date , Frankies Spuntino 570 . Although we waited nearly an hour , the evening was perfect , and I look forward to many more years together . To my most dedicated readers who haven 't let me lack of posting stop them from commenting words of support on my blog , thank you . You are what has motivated me to get back into this once again . I feel like many of you have integrated my writing into your daily routines , and I have left you with your morning coffee in hand and no reading material . You will not see the frequency of posts you may have grown accustomed in the past , but I still hope you find time in your lives for One Gay At A Time . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 1 , 2013 Tensions were high between CK and I . Nearly every night , we 'd find something to argue about . Although it didn 't always result in an explosive fight , there always seemed to be some kind of noise in the background . The honeymoon was officially over . When we woke in the morning , CK apologized for the night before , as did I . As we got ready for work , we both agreed underwear was not something we should be fighting about . After making us breakfast , we ate , showered together , got dressed and made our way to the PATH . A day prior , CK got tickets to see Hot Chip in Brooklyn from a coworker . He asked if I was interested in going . We had already planned to head to Brooklyn to visit Hip since he was recovering from his second hip replacement surgery , so I said , " Sure . Why not ? " While we were at work , we nailed down plans via text and phone . Since I finished much earlier than he did , I hopped on the subway and made my way to his office . He wasn 't quite ready yet , so I asked for his coffee order and hit up Starbucks . I didn 't sleep very well the night before , so I needed something to keep me up and give me the energy to be a fun date . While riding the subway out to Brooklyn , I asked CK if he requested the time off to join my family on vacation . He reacted to the question as if this was some big surprise . I 'd only been asking him about it for a solid month . When he asked me to take time off and book a flight to Miami for his nephews birthdays , I did it without question . Now that I was asking him to take time off to be with me and my family , he didn 't think he could get the time off . I was p * ssed ! I found it quite selfish . If he 'd requested the time when I originally asked , we wouldn 't have gotten into the argument that ensued . As I said , we seemed to be fighting about everything . The rest of the ride wasn 't pleasant . It grew to far higher proportions when we got off the subway . I wanted nothing more than to get right back on the subway and make my way home . I no longer had any interest in going to the concert , and I told him that . It takes two to fight , so I take half the responsibility , but he was being rude and treating me in a way I wasn 't willing to subject myself to . As a result , I skulked behind him as we walked through Prospect Park . As he yelled at me for not helping him navigate our way to the concert , I shouted back , " Fine . Just go without me ! I don 't want to go anymore . I 'm not going to have any fun . " I wanted nothing to do with him or Hot Chip . I think he understood I was serious and responded by apologizing . " Can we just get past this tonight ? " he asked . " Do we have to sacrifice our entire night over this fight ? " I didn 't want to just put on a happy face and grin through it . I was angry , and to be honest , I wanted to go home out of spite . The concert was something he wanted to go to , and just as he didn 't put in the effort to come with me on vacation , I wasn 't going to come to the concert . I realized how unproductive this would be , so I agreed to go ( not before numerous attempts to make my way back to Hoboken ) . When we finally made it in to the concert , CK bought me a few beers , and we cut through the crowd to watch the concert already in progress . Surprisingly , I started to have a better time . Admittedly , I 'd never heard of the band before we arrived , and I didn 't recognize any of their music . The fighting ended , and CK was being affectionate . We even made a few friends while moving from place to place among the crowd and managed to bum a smoke off some nice guys . When the concert was over , it was far too late to visit Hip . I felt really bad considering he was the original plan and reason for the trip to Brooklyn . I wasn 't thrilled we sacrificed his visit for a concert , but in the end , it was CK 's decision . On the walk to the subway , we found ourselves in a situation once again that birthed yet another argument . When we were a safe distance away from the situation , I began to calmly explain how p * ssed I was at him . Once again , he didn 't think it was a big deal and almost brushed it off as if I was overreacting . I didn 't care . To me , it was so much more . I told him explicitly how much I didn 't like these types of situations , and he completely disregarded those feelings . I don 't think he consciously acted in spite of my request - Quite the opposite . I don 't think he was thinking at all . After arguing about the matter the rest of the way to the subway , I decided I wasn 't going to engage him in conversation any longer . Clearly I wasn 't getting through to him . We rode the subway with a large group CK decided to befriend . I wanted nothing to do with them . When he asked me questions or tried to introduce me , I simply ignored him . If he wasn 't going to take my feelings into consideration any longer , I wasn 't going to regard his either . I began to wonder if this was something we 'd ever get passed . Maybe we were just inherently different . Maybe he would never be able to see things through my eyes . I began to think about what it would mean to end things . Obviously that would be my last resort , but I began to prepare myself for that possibility . I was also in a tough spot because I was spending the night at his place . By the time we resurfaced in midtown , CK finally realized I was ignoring him . He started to get irritated by this , and yet another fight broke out between us . This time , I didn 't care . I went nuts . I didn 't care who saw us fighting or what they heard as I laid into him . We argued back and forth about the severity of the incident at hand for some time . He didn 't realize it , but as each of these incidents came up , my tolerance for them dwindled more and more . Toward the end of the argument , I think CK finally got a clear idea of the zero tolerance I had left . I 'm not the most bending person ( and that 's an understatement ) , but this was one sticking point I wasn 't going to bend on . I didn 't care how small the infraction . He had a choice , and he needed to pick me . He finally understood my stance and apologized for everything . He didn 't think this fell under my umbrella of discomfort . He finally understood that nothing in this realm would be acceptable to me . We were able to civilly walk the rest of the way back to his place , but the conversation was certainly nonexistent . When we got back to his bedroom , I brushed my teeth , stripped down to my boxer briefs and climbed right into bed . CK finished what he needed to do before bed and climbed into the opposite side of the bed . That night , we didn 't go to bed fighting , but there wasn 't a lot of love in the bed either . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 23 , 2012 This year was the first time I was fully participating in Pride Weekend , and I have to say , it was certainly starting out to be an interesting one to say the least . Going into the weekend , I was petrified my relationship with CK wouldn 't survive . A lot of that due to the baggage I was still carrying around from my previous relationships . The guys from my past didn 't appreciate me , and I didn 't want to go through that again . That wasn 't helped by a few comments CK had made to me in full disclosure . Let me point out , he never gave me a reason not to trust him , however , he never gave me a reason to trust him either . It would take time , but eventually I would learn to trust him . Overall , I had a good time at Matinee . I may not have been able to realize that at the time because I was so stressed throughout the night , but looking back from a relaxed state , I am able to recognize I was having a good time . When we got home that night , we had an even better time . I wasn 't entirely comfortable with everything that went on that night , but I was thrilled to be in the arms of the man I loved . We had amazing sex that night . It seemed to be a turning into a trend . Our sex life was indescribable . The passion was without parallel . We were both strong men , so tossing each other around came easy and provided fun and excitement . We even pulled out a reverse cowgirl or two . To put it succinctly , it was epic . We slept in the following morning . We both had a long day . My exhaustion came at my own hand from mental anguish . CK 's exhaustion came more from hip gyrations on the dance floor . I was happy to relax for a bit with some light pillow talk . Before the weekend began , CK mentioned going to Alegria Sunday night . I told him right off the bat , I would not be able to do that . I had to go to work Monday morning , so that was not something I would participate in . Again , I didn 't really want him to go without me , but I wasn 't going to stop him . We got a really slow start , and it took a long time for us to get out of the apartment . A part of me wanted to see the parade since I 'd still never quite seen it before , but once again , I was going to miss it . In the big picture takeaway , I was alright with that as well . We walked from Hell 's Kitchen down to the Village to see what was still going on . Along the way , I spotted Hunter Parrish of Weeds fame coming out of Starbucks and pointed him out to CK . Once we got down to the Village , we came upon some of CK 's friends from Miami and stopped to chat with them for a bit . They were headed to Alegria that night and encouraged us to join them . CK turned to me and asked how I felt about the idea . I was ready to kill him . The part of that interaction that bothered me the most was the hypocrisy . When I had done something of a similar fashion , CK was sure to point out how unfair that was and how uncomfortable it made him . Now , he was doing the same thing after we had a long conversation about avoiding putting each other in that exact situation . I gave him such a look . I think he picked up on it rather quickly and told them he wasn 't sure what we were doing yet . He told them he 'd hit them up and try to go . They commented , " Yea … You 're not going to show up , " through a chuckle . After that , we reached out to Hip to see how his day was going . The night before , he met a cute Aussie , and they were heading to the unofficial after - party at Work . CK and I were anxious to get the details on how the night went . He wasn 't far from us , so we stayed put while he made his way toward us . He greeted us with big hugs and began detailing his night . We were all feeling quite peckish , so we decided to grab a bite to eat a few blocks away . On the walk there , CK literally almost trampled an incognito Matthew Broderick , looking quite disheveled I might add . We sat outside Cowgirl and ordered food while we talked and took in the sights passing us by . We were right at the end of the parade route , so it was quite the sh * tshow . Apparently , the day was also full of celebrity sightings . While we ate , Hip noticed Colin Farrell walking up the street away from the parade . This of course spurred a whole new conversation about Colin 's sexuality and prowess . It was a fun day , and I couldn 't have thought of a better way to end Pride Weekend than with my boys . It was the perfect cherry on top to a long weekend . We had a gay ol ' time joking , laughing and judging the sh * t out of the people who passed by . I drank my fill of people watching while I chased it down with fried chicken . Overall , I had a good time at all the Pride events . Granted , the weekend stressed me out so much I probably should have been put on anti - anxiety medication , but I still had a good time . I opened me up to trying similar experiences down the road I wouldn 't have before the weekend . I was slowly coming out of my shell and finally beginning to bear some of that gay pride , and it was only going to grow from there . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 19 , 2012 The day after my birthday , CK and I made plans for me to meet his mother while she was in town . I celebrated my birthday the day before without him , but I still managed to have fun . I was incredibly excited to see him . I was also incredibly honored to meet his mother . I couldn 't believe he felt comfortable introducing me to her exactly one month from the date we first met , however , we 'd grown extremely close in that short period of time . There was a plan for me to meet CK , his mother , and three of his friends at Essex and Beauty on the Lower East Side for brunch . It was Mother 's Day , so I knew wherever we were going was going to be a sh * tshow ! I was slightly anxious . I was more nervous about meeting the one friend I 'd never met before than I was about his mother . I 'm not sure why , but I didn 't feel any pressure there . I was pretty relaxed about it . Either way , I was missing my Superman terribly . I arrived a few minutes late for our reservation . CK and his mother were still in transport , but the three friends had already sat at the table . One of them came to the front to greet me and take me to the table . I 'd met him before when we all went to see Avengers together . As we ascended the staircase to our table , he informed me of a problem in the kitchen . He mentioned something about a leak and having to shut the kitchen down . There was new immediacy to our plans . Per usual , CK was running quite late . I learned they were in a cab , but they were on the other side of Manhattan , however , he shared the good news he finally found a new apartment . It wasn 't in Brooklyn . It wasn 't on the Lower East Side . It was in Hell 's Kitchen . I was thrilled ! ! We learned they wouldn 't arrive in time for us to order , and one of the friends began to protest in uproar . He argued with the staff until he learned of the true nature of the problem . The maître d ' offered to walk us over to their sister restaurant , The Stanton Social to ensure we got a table and were served quickly . On the walk over , we happened upon CK and his mother getting out of their cab . He was in the process of calling me . I said hi to him and was introduced to his mother . She wasn 't what I expected at all . I 'm not sure what my expectations were , but she certainly surpassed them . She was gorgeous and very lively . I immediately loved her spirit and energy . We continued to the other restaurant . Not only did we get a table quickly , we were also served champagne to start . They more than made up for the inconvenience . On top of that , I feel we upgraded restaurants , not downgraded . His mother took the time to hug all the other boys and say hi . She knew two of them from Miami , where CK grew up , so there was some catching up to do . CK was rather reserved in regards to PDA . We didn 't kiss , but I got a hefty hug . He whispered in my ear how much he missed me . We held hands under the table nearly the entire meal . It was very nice being with everyone . The conversation flowed , and there was rarely an awkward moment . Our food was excellent , and we all enjoyed our meal . I was worried I 'd feel like an outsider , not because his friends wouldn 't include me , but because they all already knew each other . I was the new guy . I didn 't know the stories . I didn 't know the inside jokes . That would take time . Generally , until I 'm comfortable , I get quiet . I was worried they would think I was antisocial , which clearly isn 't the case . I really loved watching CK and his mother interact . She had a nickname she called him , and I found it adorable . They shared a lot of the same mannerisms . I watched her keep him in line ( and made sure I took mental notes ) . They were incredible together , even with the hell they went through over that weekend to find him a new apartment . It was obvious the copious amounts of love they shared . When we exited the restaurant , his mother returned to go to the bathroom . He took the opportunity to pull me in and give me the biggest kiss . It was quite a scene , but we didn 't care . His friends made comments , and he pointed out how he wouldn 't kiss me in front of his mother . Apparently , it made her slightly uncomfortable when he " flaunted his homosexuality . " I thought this was funny , because it 's the kind of thing I could hear coming out of my mother 's mouth . When she came back outside , we made plans to go back to his place and spend the rest of the evening on his roof watching the sunset . We stopped for a bottle of wine and some beers and went up to the roof with the batch of cookies I baked for his mother . Before heading up to the roof , CK and one of his friends were talking in the kitchen . That left myself and his mother in his living room to chat . I learned about all her dogs , as well as CK 's dog all living under her care . She told me how early she had to get up to take care of them the morning she flew out . We talked about what it takes to raise a dog and discussed CK 's desire to get a dog . He was constantly trying to take me shopping for a dog , but I couldn 't take care of one on my own . I wouldn 't have a dog until I lived with someone who would help me raise it . Maybe CK could fill that roll one day . We spent a lot of time talking about cooking . CK 's friend was an avid cook , so we had a lot to chat about . I showed him my massive digital cookbook I created . I learned where CK inherited his lack of cooking skills . Apparently , his mother was a self - admitted non - chef . She barely cooked , so the two of them discussed their lack of skill in the kitchen , however , each had their specialty they could cook . I expressed my plan to teach CK how to cook , but ensure he wouldn 't cut his finger off again under my supervision . After a while , a guy CK used to hook up with who lived in the building joined us . CK privately made a comment to me when we were downstairs how he may have seen us all through the window . He mentioned inviting him to join us , and I didn 't protest . My guard was up however . I had no idea how he 'd treat me . After all , I was the one who got the man he had a crush on . They were almost roommates until it came to light he had a crush on CK , who told me he did not share the same feelings . In the end , this guy was pretty cool . He wasn 't combative toward me in the slightest , and we actually got along . The conversation continued through the night . When this guy left , CK made an attempt to set him up with the friend who joined us from brunch . I really liked this guy . He seemed to get it . He was very realistic and had a great sense of humor . Of the friends I 'd met so far , he was the one I felt I would get along with the best . When the old hookup left , CK 's friend called him to set up a date . This also killed two birds with one bullet . The old hookup would be tied up and would stay away from my man . Yes , I was getting territorial . CK 's mother told us stories about him when he was a child , and I was really enjoying getting to know him , his mother and his friends . It was starting to get late , and CK and his mother still needed to get dinner . I needed to get home and get ready for work the next day . I too needed to eat something other than cookies . I said goodbye to CK 's mother with a big hug and CK walked me to the door . We talked about how much we couldn 't wait until his mother left , not because either of us were tired of her , but because we were hungry for each other . We hadn 't slept together in days , and our animal instincts were growling . I said goodbye to him with a big kiss and made my way to the PATH to head home . It was a very successful weekend . I had a great birthday , and apparently , I was a hit with CK 's mother . The whole day was a big success . I was all the more excited to be a bigger part of CK 's life , and I couldn 't wait for the next moment . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 13 , 2012 The morning after my " wild night , " I woke early . I was happy to realize I didn 't have a hangover , but I had a lot to do . I sat at my desk and went through circulars to make a grocery list , I went over my to - do list , I cleaned my bedroom , did two loads of laundry and sorted through my clothes to get rid of some of them . It was a very productive morning . The only thing I didn 't get done was to make it to the gym . Around 11 : 00am , CK called . I didn 't want to call him because I was afraid of waking him . I knew he wasn 't a morning person . I was happy to hear his voice . He told me he needed to do laundry and wouldn 't come to Hoboken until about 2 : 00 . I was fine with that . It allowed me to finish what I needed to get done for the morning . I planned to head over to the Hoboken Arts and Music Festival around 2 : 00 . That 's what I told P and my sister . As I was walking out the door , he called to apologize for running late . He was just walking out the door to hop on the PATH . Obviously he wasn 't going to arrive at 2 : 00 . I told him I 'd be at the festival , and I would make my way to him when he arrived . I managed to find P , my sister and her friend without much effort . P had her dog , Baby , with her and needed to find her water . I told them I needed to make my way to the PATH to get CK , and they were welcome to join me . They all followed . We waited at the PATH for some time before he finally arrived . It was close to 3 : 45 before he finally arrived . He was running late as usual . I happily introduced him to the three of them , and we made our way back to the festival to find lunch . Before he arrived , I had a worry in the back of my head . We were used to showing affection openly , but not in Hoboken . I still wasn 't out to everyone I knew around town , and I had my reservations about PDA . I was trying to get over it . There was no reason I shouldn 't feel comfortable being myself . But , I can 't lie . I was very nervous . That being said , I greeted him with a hug , and we spent a large portion of the day holding hands and our arms around each other . This was a first for me . I did relax a bit and began to let my guard down . We found the steak sandwiches I 've gotten many years in the past and hopped in line . My old roommate ( also my favorite roommate ) was making his way toward us , so I told him where we were . I introduce him to CK , and he reminded me I 'd met the girl he was with in the past . As we ate , we walked uptown chatting . He mentioned wanting to do something special for my birthday that Friday . He asked if I 'd be able to get out of work early , and I told him it shouldn 't be a problem . All I knew about this surprise was that it would cater to my adventurous side . I thought it was incredibly sweet of him to plan something special for me . When we reached the north end of the festival , I was ready for dessert . I hadn 't passed anything along the way I really wanted , so I decided to hit up Ralph 's for some cream ice . I ordered the peanut butter cookie dough , and we shared it . It was utterly amazing . P , my sister , her friend , CK and I were all heading to City Bistro to grab a drink on the rooftop bar since it was such a nice day . We found a seat and relaxed . I could tell one of the guys on the roof was making comments about CK and I , but I didn 't care . I continued resting my hand on his leg or putting my arm around him . I noticed two guy I thought might be gay and informed CK of the " Pickle game " I 'd learned from Boston in Miami . We agreed they were gay . The time came for us to head out . CK wanted to go for a ride on the motorcycle , and I needed to start dinner . We had to stop at ShopRite on the way home for supplies , and it was a bit of a walk home . CK wasn 't happy , but he did it - Not without complaining most of the way . When we got home , we cuddled in bed for a few minutes before I told him I wanted him to help me with dinner . As I put the beef roast in the oven , I asked him to slice the potatoes for the scalloped potatoes on the mandolin . I warned him quite pointedly to be careful since the blade was so sharp , and I 'd already cut myself pretty severely on it once , as did my mother . When he was cutting the last potato , he sliced his finger pretty badly . I immediately ran to his rescue . He was bleeding pretty bad , but not enough for stitches . He sliced off a small piece of the tip of his thumb . He was now the third person to cut themselves on that mandolin ( Him , my mother , and myself ) . He couldn 't believe how well I was handling the blood . I told him I was a lifeguard for seven years and had my own share of accidents involving a lot of blood . " Awww . Baby , you 're my lifeguard , " he said . I bandaged him up , told him to hold his arm above his head , gave him some painkillers and told him to sit on the couch . Maybe asking him to help was not a good idea . I thought it would be romantic , but it turned out tragic . When dinner was ready , we ate in front of the TV . He raved about how good dinner was . We watched the shows I normally record on a Sunday night . It was really nice to have him fit so nicely into my routine . That was a sign our relationship had a solid foundation . When we got tired , we made our way to my bedroom . He must have been really tired , and he kept dozing off . I wanted sex , but it was quite obvious that wasn 't going to happen . It 'd been quite some time since we had sex , but I would have to settle for some cuddling instead . He was out cold , so I brushed my teeth and came back to bed . I must have roused him , because he too got out of bed to brush his teeth . We turned out the light and fell asleep in each other 's arms . It 's rare to find me happier than when I wake up next to him . It 's impossible not to have a smile from ear - to - ear . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . As per usual , he began to give me a bl * wjob . It was one of his favorite morning activities . He told me he wanted me to finish for him . This is an immediate killer for me . I begin to concentrate on that alone . ( I really need to see someone about this ! ) After a while , I told him it was time to shower . I scooped him up and carried him to the shower . He began bl * wing me outside the shower as well . I was too distracted in the bathroom , so I grabbed his hand and led him back to the bed . He felt amazing , and when he began teasing my boys with his tongue , I used my hand to get me over the edge . " Baby . You taste so sweet today ! " he told me . I was a bit shocked to hear this considering N told me I tasted awful . This made me like CK so much more in that moment . Seconds later , he exploded all over his own abdomen . It was incredibly hot to watch . We went back to the shower and cleaned up . That morning , we joked about water sports . He threatened to pee on me in the shower . I told him if he did , I would certainly be returning the favor . When I saw his warm stream hitting my feet , I delivered on my promise . Both of us immediately got weirded out , and that ended immediately . " Yea . That 's definitely not going to be a thing ! " I exclaimed . He nodded his head in sever agreement . Afterwards , I bandaged his finger once again and gave him a band - aid for the road . Monday , he called me as I was picking out a wedding card at CVS . He wanted to know if I was still in the city so we could meet up for a bit . I 'd just gotten off the PATH five minutes prior . He was hopping elevator , so he told me he 'd call me when he got up to his apartment , but I didn 't hear back from him . I sent him a picture message of a t - shirt saying " I would cuddle you so hard . " He didn 't acknowledge the message . When I called later that evening , he seemed weird . He told me he was reading Hunger Games and sounded like I woke him up . The conversation was very short and awkward , so I just said goodnight and went to bed . We made plans for Tuesday , but work got in the way for him . I proposed getting together Wednesday night at my place for Revenge again instead . I also left work early to pick up my new custom - made bed . I was so excited ! I brought it home and assembled it . It was amazing . I sent him pictures , and he responded , " Can 't wait to break it in ! " He also asked me if I would be interested in a show at the Upright Citizen 's Brigade . I told him that sounded great . Later Tuesday night , I texted him , but got no response until 12 : 30 , just after I dozed off . The question of fidelity did cross my mind for a hot second . I wondered if we needed to have the exclusivity conversation or was that covered under the can I be your boyfriend conversation ? It wasn 't that I didn 't trust him , but my mind can run wild at times . I was just going to keep it in the back of my mind until I decided whether it was necessary to bring it up … The last time I visited the bar manager in Hoboken , I had a great time . He had an amazing body , and we both really enjoyed each other . Wednesday , when I woke , he happened to be around . There had been a few days I suggested we get together , but he was always heading out - of - town for something . This time , he was available . There was a small snafu . He was sick . He had a sinus infection , so he was worried he 'd get me sick . I told him it would be alright . We would simply avoid kissing each other . He told me to come up to his place , and he 'd break out the glory hole again . This visit was pretty much the same drill as my last visit to his apartment . He left the door unlocked . I was to walk in , undress , and saunter up to the hole in the sheet hung in the bathroom doorway . He was waiting for me on the other side . I hopped on my motorcycle and made my way to his place . I did as I was told . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . I removed my shorts and inserted myself into the opening . Immediately , he grabbed hold and began to orally pleasure me . It felt amazing . I wasn 't fully into the glory - hole thing , but it was making it a little more exciting . It wasn 't long before I pulled the curtain back once again . We started kissing each other all over each other 's bodies and swapping back to him on his knees . He was wearing his hat , which I 'd already knocked on the floor so I could grab hold of his long flowing hair and his boots . It was an incredibly sexy look for him , and he knew it . I couldn 't keep my hands off his body . He turned around and began grinding his backside against my crotch . I was incredibly turned on and excited . It felt so great to simply have his back pressed against my chest with one hand pulling across his chest so keep him close and the other pleasuring his impressive manhood . We continued this action until he was so excited he finished all over the bathroom floor . Everything felt amazing , and I was very close to finishing myself . However , this didn 't happen . Once again , we moved things to the couch . He was all over me and everything felt incredible . I wanted to finish for him so badly . He was awaiting it with great anticipation ever since I first fooled around with him . We played for quite some time , and I kept losing my erection and gaining it again when I would pleasure his endowment . Throughout the whole visit , we were incredibly tempted to kiss , and came close many times , but at the last second withdrew again . When a large period of time passed , he threw in the towel . He had to get on with his day . He was disappointed , and I was too . Not only disappointed , but also embarrassed . I wanted so much to please him . I wanted to give him exactly what he was looking for , but I came up short . He walked into the bathroom and threw on a pair of sweatpants . As he walked , I could see his manhood swinging back - and - forth . It was such a turn - on . This is one thing that will always get my engines revving ! He loved walking around with his package easily visible as well . It was something he was proud of , making it all the more sexy . I walked up to him and grabbed hold of it . I wish this was something I could do on the street . It would be so hot ! As I got dressed , I made a point to look around a bit . When I last left his place , I suspected he lived with his partner . I indeed confirmed my suspicion when I noticed there was only one bedroom . I also tried to casually scope out the pictures on the wall . The apartment was not decorated like two random roommates living together . It was definitely the residence of a loving couple . I felt a pang of guilt . This guy seemed like a good guy . I was disappointed in him for cheating on his lover . I didn 't know the dynamic between the two , but I never liked seeing infidelity . I wasn 't passing judgment , but I was putting myself in his mate 's shoes . I was a partnered man 's affair . Now I knew why we never had full penetration . I said goodbye and made my way home . This would be the last time I would see him . I wouldn 't be the last time I chatted with him . He happened to sign on to Grindr about a week later . I was checking to see if I received any new messages and messaged him just to say hi . He was in Miami . I asked him if his man came with him , and he told me he was at home . Without knowing it , he slipped up and confirmed to me he had a man in his life . I pointed out to him how I caught him in a slip - up . When he originally mentioned the guy , he told me it was his roommate . He acknowledged his lie , and I told him we were cool . I had no hard feelings . It was his life , not mine . I then realized he was probably on Grindr down in Miami looking for a new piece of tail . I told him to enjoy himself , and with that , I said goodbye to him for probably the last time . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 7 , 2011 Roughly one block away from my date with Dr . Nice , I began texting another guy I had on standby for a date that evening . I wanted to see if I could use my time wisely and see two guys on my free Friday evening . It would help cut down the roster if they weren 't quality guys . The story I told him was that I was out to dinner with clients , and I would get in touch with him as the dinner was ending . We found each other a few days earlier , and we agreed to meet in Hell 's Kitchen , but never picked a specific location . As I walked south on 9th Avenue after my first date , I found out he wasn 't far . I told him to head north on 9th Avenue , and we would meet in the middle . We could pick somewhere in the neighborhood to grab a drink . As I was walking , I realized how bad that idea was . We never met before , and there was a good chance we would walk right past each other . I picked a bar , Nizza , and told him to meet me in front of it . He walked up with a smile from ear to ear . He was somewhat attractive , and when he opened his mouth , his Latino background was screaming at me . I have nothing against it , but I also don 't have much in common with the typical culture . We grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered a few cocktails . I ordered a Dark and Stormy Float . It was a very interesting drink with the twist of Rum Raisin ice cream . I love Dark and Stormys , but I wasn 't thrilled with this concoction . My date insisted I order something else , but I insisted I would finish it . He enjoyed his drink while we talked about what brought him from Miami to New York . He was working as a producer on a Hispanic television news show , and was looking for a change . He wanted to move to New York and was afforded a job transfer . It was interesting to learn he was in the city only four months , so he hadn 't yet experienced the changing of the seasons . He wasn 't quite used to the phrase " the end of summer . " As we talked , the conversation began to take shape as me giving him advice on how to adapt to New York City and less about us and any future we may have . He told me all about being brought up in Miami and how he is going to miss being so close to his family . However , he was thinking about his career and needed to move up in this world . Surprisingly , he was living in New Jersey as well . I knew this bit of information earlier and asked him to meet on the other side of the river , but he explained where he lived and how it would be difficult to meet over there since he had no car . We closed our tab , and I agreed to walk him to Port Authority . I was heading there myself to go back to Hoboken for the night . Before he hopped on one of the shuttles , we exchanged hugs . He suggested we find the time to meet up again . I told him we would be in touch and manage to figure something out in the near future . Of the four dates I set up for the week , this one scared me the most . He was truly a wild card . He was gorgeous in his pictures - like model hot - but we only scratched the surface the few times we spoke on adam4adam . com . When he told me his name , I was quite confused . In his pictures , he looked white , but his name sounded Middle Eastern . Only now , from googling the origin of his name , did I find it is of Spanish origin and not very popular . I asked him for his number and if we could grab a drink sometime after work . He told me he doesn 't drink . Normally , this may have been a deal breaker for me , but I was beginning to enjoy my new dating adventures . Good or bad , they were experiences and something interesting to talk about with friends ( Again , this is also when I thought I had an idea to start a blog ) . So I decided to be open - minded . I asked him where he worked , and he told me from home , by Bryant Park . So , I asked if we could do lunch one day . He suggested Cosi for lunch since it was nearby my office , his apartment and the park . It was a gorgeous Wednesday after many days of cold and clouds . I was happy to be spending time outside . I walked to Cosi , texting him on my way . I wasn 't getting a response . Finally , after standing on the street for about 5 minutes , he texted me explaining he was en route and would arrive shortly . When he arrived , I could tell he was quite flustered and sweating . Even through all that , I could see a beautiful man standing in front of me with flowing curly hair . Very dreamy . Also a bit intimidating . Towering over me , he was about 6 ' 4 ″ or 6 ' 5 ″ ( I 'm 6 ' 2 ″ and intimidated by people taller than me since it happens so rarely ) . He apologized profusely for being late in an accent I was not able to place . He told me he would explain his tardiness when we sat down to eat . We hopped in line , ordered our lunch and walked across the street to the park . Ironically , I would later find out weeks later I was spotted while eating lunch by a fellow Grindr I was courting . He told me he was on the upper west side on his scooter and was pulled over for not having the proper decals on his plate . It all clicked in my head why I wasn 't getting a phone call or text explaining why he was running late . Luckily , the cop let him off , but not before giving him a hard time . I then asked him what he did that allowed him to work from home every day . He gave me an awkward smile , and said , " Well I don 't work . I 'm a landlord . " He then explained he is originally from Miami and owns a few rental properties there . This was his source of income and allowed him to live a life of daily freedom . After he asked , I explained what I do for a living . We started talking candidly about dating in NYC and in general . We talked about the challenges and pitfalls of trying to find someone to spend time with . Too many people are just simply looking for sex . He said , " We all have sexual needs , but it 's really challenging when you 're trying to find a meaningful relationship . " At this point , between his pleasant disposition and his amazing looks , I was very interested . He also had an innocence about him that was very intriguing . On top of that , I couldn 't help myself . I was staring at his sexy jawline , his dreamy eyes and the flowing hair he continuously pushed behind his ear . We talked about being from Miami and why he moved to NYC . He did it alone because he 's always wanted to live here and wanted a challenge . I admired this greatly . I myself have always considered moving to California , but don 't have the guts to start over . His courage was admirable and sexy . He elaborated . He told me about the man he left in Miami . They had been together for almost 10 years . " Pretty much husband and husband , " as he put it . He left him behind because he was not willing to move to New York . He needed to do this for himself - to find himself , so he left . This was a bit of a curveball I wasn 't expecting . I tried to change the subject to something lighter . I asked him where he lives . He pointed out his apartment from where we were sitting . An apartment overlooking Bryant park is more than impressive . I asked him what he does for fun in his free time . I learned he lives a very European lifestyle . Grocery shopping all over the city on a daily basis , cooking meals , reading , traveling … He then went on to tell me he has a house in the mountains and loves to ski . And when he 's not there , he 's traveling out to his new LA apartment to get that in shape . And all of a sudden , the dream came crashing down . We were not compatible . We came from different worlds . I admired his lifestyle and aspired to it , but I would not be someone 's kept man . He had so much freedom , a relationship with me would hold him back and create resentment . On top of that , my lunch hour was over . We were both headed in the same direction , so we started to walk . The date ended without even a hug . I figured he wasn 't interested in me , and I lost interest when I realized how different our lives are . He suggested we do lunch again sometime , and I agreed . At this point , I considered putting him in the " friend zone . " After Florida , it 's pretty clear I was no longer committed to a relationship . I needed to end it . It crushed me to think such thoughts , but my heart was no longer in it . When I got back , I texted Broadway asking if we could talk . After a short exchange , I wasn 't sure if he could see what was coming . I agonized over how to break the news . That night , I met him after his show ; no overnight bag on my shoulder . We awkwardly hugged and exchanged a peck on the lips . He asked me if I was ok . I said , " Yes , " with a shrug . He asked me what I wanted to talk to him about . This was the moment of truth . I said , " No . I just want to hear your thoughts . " After that , I elaborated . I explained my feelings about how he acted during his trip to Barcelona and the previous weeks in general . He silently walked beside me taking it all in . I was so proud of myself for saying how I truly felt . I didn 't sugar coat it . When I finished , he took his turn . He told me all my points were fair and valid , but I could never be prepared for what came next . He said , " You 're just not a priority in my life right now . I have school and work … " I felt like someone punched me in the gut . I turned to him and said , " I have to say , that was very hard to hear . " I began to get a little choked up . Until then , I was strong and resolved in breaking up , but that statement tainted out entire relationship together . I wasn 't prepared to hear anything so harsh . He acknowledged his emotional issues and his inability to call me his boyfriend . He also took the opportunity to unload a lot of issues he 'd been holding back for some time . He pointed out my issues with the gay scene . I have never felt comfortable in gay clubs , and he knew this . He went on to tell me how uncomfortable and threatened he felt going to my favorite straight bar in Hobobken . This was news to me . I defended myself . While not comfortable with the flamboyant gay scene , he never asked me to go . With the right crowd and understanding , I 'm sure I could find comfort . I was uncomfortable because it was not familiar to me . He never gave me a chance . This went back - n - forth . It never turned into a fight . We never fought through the 10 months we were in a relationship . We weren 't about to start now . It was a discussion about our differences . We came to an agreement . Although we were very compatible , we were not meant to be dating . The conversation turned casual . He showed me pictures on his phone from Barcelona and asked about Florida . The he asked me how drinks with Boston went . After blatantly lying about its innocence , he said , " Well I had to ask . You know how it could look from my perspective . " He explained . He bought it for us to use . It was just cheaper than usual . And then added , " But , touché . I could see ho that looks shady . " After walking around the city talking for an hour , I dropped him at his apt . We kissed and embraced . Finally , I pulled back and said , " Just because we 're not dating doesn 't mean we can 't hang out . " As I walked to Port Authority , I felt power . Before this night , I don 't know if I would have had the confidence to be a person who set in motion the actions that would end a relationship . I was a new man who was about to fully exercise his new found freedom . We got back and relaxed by the pool a bit . I texted Boston asking his plans for the day . He was heading to the beach after grabbing breakfast . Since the girls ate while D and I ran , we joined Boston and his friend for breakfast at The Hotel Breakwater . It was very casual and not awkward , however , I was fighting the beginning of a nasty hangover . Still I soldiered on . We discussed dinner the night before and all the stories that were swapped . Boston 's friend gave us all a new term to use referring to gays . " Pickle . " It was already part of my vernacular and fully utilized during my morning run and the remainder of my Florida trip . We strolled down to the beach and met up with the girls . I hoped to get a minute to talk to Boston . I felt we should discuss the night before because I didn 't want things to get awkward . I was very attracted to him but also valued his friendship . We never got to chat exclusively . We did , however , have a very candid group conversation with D and his girlfriend about sexual encounters , oral sex , semen , etc . I haven 't laughed that hard in a long time . I love how comfortable and open my friends are - like a breath of fresh air . When we had to get on the road down to The Keys , we decided to take Boston and his friend to La Sandwicherie on our way out of town . His friend loved us . She asked , " Ok guys . Where 's our next vacation gonna be ? " Finally , the time came to say goodbye . We dropped them off near the hotel , and the best I got was a handshake reaching from the front seat to the back . I wanted at least a hug , but it would have been a full spectacle to get out of the car and do so . I spent the next three and a half hours in a car with nothing to look at but wide open water . Of course , I texted with Boston the whole time . I was trying to be flirtatious without being overt . It seemed to be working … to an extent . I was having the conversation I wanted to have in person over text . Probably not the best solution . Once we settled in at The Bahama House in Key West , D and his girlfriend went to the rehearsal dinner of a friend 's wedding . K and I were on our own for dinner . Halfway through , she scolded me to stop texting Boston . I obliged , but was in the middle of expressing to him my relationship with Broadway was over : It was just inconvenient timing to end it before my trip . He was worried that he was the catalyst . I reassured him I was having problems well before I met him , and he knew that . We met up with the wedding party following dinner . Apparently I wasn 't the only ' mo associated with this wedding . Everyone told me I needed to meet this great guy . Word to the wise . Not all gay men are compatible just because they are attracted men . While everyone told me we needed to meet , no one actually took the time to introduce us . This is partly my fault because I insisted I get more lubricated before I speak to him , but once I was relatively tipsy , no one made the effort . The next night D and his girlfriend went to the wedding . K and I found a spot for dinner . At this point I curbed my texting to Boston . D 's girlfriend started texting me about the ' mo at the wedding . She told me he was anxious to meet and we should meet them when it was over and all go out . When we arrived , he and I were finally introduced . It couldn 't have been more awkward . After a few minutes , he excused himself to go chat with friends . I have to admit , while not interested , my ego was a little bruised . When the time came to head home , I was trying to coordinate with Boston if we would be traveling along the same route at any point . We were flying out of the same airport and his connection took him through Newark , where I would be landing . I called him to get details and tried to work it out for me to swing by their gate at the airport . Timing never allowed for it . Days later , Boston and I were skyping . That day , I was psyching myself up to ask him out on a date . I knew it was a dumb idea since we lived in different cities , but I also didn 't see why I shouldn 't give it a shot . After chatting for a bit , he was ready to sign off . My window of opportunity was closing . I asked him if I could take him to dinner sometime . He responded , " Yea . Let me just hop on my private jet . " To which I responded , " There 's no reason why I couldn 't visit Boston some time . " This was followed by a looonnngggg pause . I could see how uncomfortable the proposition made him . However , he graciously responded , " Sure . I 'd be down for that . " The potential of this was exciting , but certainly more one - sided than I had hoped . After talking with him more , I realized a relationship was never going to happen . At that point , I was able to step back from the situation and realize he was a much better fit for the " friend zone . " I stopped my advances and started talking to him like a true friend , and that 's when I started getting more positive feedback . |
Another month has passed . Soon Owen will have been gone longer than he was with me . Now , if that 's not a dubious milestone I don 't know what is . As I 've mentioned before , I 've been working really hard to deal with what is and not what might have been , but in moments like these I can 't help but dream of the family we might have had . . . . . . . . . . . Since Owen died , I 've found that my wishes are simpler . Instead of grand plans for the future , I just want to get through the day complete - or complete enough . I don 't always wish for perfection or even happiness , just survival . It 's something that has made me very sad . I really don 't want to just survive . I want to glory in my life . But I am afraid . Do you think one can make a conscious decision to be hopeful again ? To dream big while knowing that the worst can happen to you ? I 'm not exactly sure where I 'm going with this , but during this holiday season , I 've found myself coming back to the same phrase , time and time again . A friend wrote to me that she wished for me to find " the peace that passes all understanding . " It has stuck with me . I think that 's really what I need . Peace even when there should be none . Hope when it doesn 't make sense to be hopeful . Joy in the midst of sorrow . I wish that for all of us this holiday season . In my post ' The Other Side ' , I mentioned a story that Dr . M told at Owen 's burial that I truly believe helped me survive that awful day . I want to share it with you , but first I need to give you some background . My mom passed away in February 2006 after a brief and awful illness . She started not feeling well around Christmas , was diagnosed with cholan * giocarcinoma in January , and was gone by the end of February . In two short months , she went from being this amazing , caring , full of life woman to someone who could not walk from her bed to the bathroom reliably . My father cared for her until the very end and she died in his arms . She died the day before I was coming to help Daddy take care of her . I think that was on purpose . I don 't think she wanted me to have to care for her , she wanted to be taking care of me . My mom was , at the risk of bragging , everything one could ask for in a mother . She loved us unconditionally and with her whole heart , and we knew it . Needless to say her death was the worst thing I had ever experienced . Until I lost Owen . The night I spent in the hospital laboring with Owen , I had a vision of my mother . She was walking toward me from down a long dark hall and as she got closer , I could see she was holding something in her arms . She pulled away the blanket and showed me the tiny baby in her arms . She leaned over and kissed him and we locked eyes . Then she turned and walked away . That moment gave me the strength I needed to carry on . However , over the next few days I lost my certainty of what I had seen to my all encompassing despair . I didn 't tell anyone what I had seen . At the service , Dr . M ( the minister of the church I grew up in ) began by saying that something had happened to him that he felt compelled to share . He told us that the day before the service , he went into his office at the church to gather together some materials . Dr . M . 's office is packed from floor to ceiling on pretty much all surfaces with books . He reached up to pull one book down and a card tumbled to the floor . As he Posted by Just a quick boring post to let you know that I 'm still around . I 've been ridiculously busy with holiday stuff and trying cope with the overwhelming sense of anxiety and stress I 'm feeling . I 'm anxious about everything and I hate it . Just dealing with the small stuff is taking everything I 've got these days . I miss my baby . This sucks . Owen 's autopsy revealed some evidence of abnormal bleeding , especially in his brain , which is believed to have led to his death . There really is no explanation for this bleeding which is usually the result of severe trauma ( for example , a major car accident or if someone beat the cr @ p out of me ) , cocain . e use , some sort of bleeding disorder ( either mine or his ) , or the oh so satisfying " unknown etiology . " Since we could easily rule out the first two , the doctors suggested that , while it is highly unlikely I have any bleeding disorder given my history of no bleeding problems and two healthy living children , I consult with a hemotologist . So , given my insane need to try and find a reason for all of this , we decided to go for it . I met with hematologist / oncologist several weeks ago . She was nice but her office is in a major cancer center . She ordered a whole slew of blood tests , the last of which I had done this morning . You know your life really sucks when the bald , emaciated cancer patients in the waiting room are tearing up and telling you how sorry they are for you . These particular tests required drawing what felt like half my blood volume for platelet testing and then something the lab tech called a bleeding time test . This was great fun . Basically , he put a blood pressure cuff on my arm , pumped it up , gouged my forearm , and stood there watching me bleed . I guess it went well . After the test was over , he was bandaging me up and commented , " You are so fair , this definitely going to leave a scar . You 'll probably have it the rest of your life . " I replied , " At least this one will be visible . " I remember reading a story a long time ago about a gorilla at a zoo that had a baby that had been born dead or died shortly after and she continued to carry it around with her - the zoo - keepers thought she didnt realize it had died , but now I 'm not so sure . Sometimes , I think that if it were an option , if I weren 't afraid of other people committing me , I would have brought Owen home with me and carried him around with me until there was nothing left . Even now the urge to have him with me physically is so strong that I sit caressing the tiny spot of blood left on his gown . That stained gown is one of my most precious posessions . It 's all I have of him . I was passed the flame of fortitude by C . over at My Resurfacing a few days ago . I 'll admit it took me this long to figure out exactly how to display it and how to pass it on ( technology has never been my strong suit . ) As C . stated so eloquently , " The flame represents strength , resiliency , perseverance , and honours those who share their struggle and their journey - regardless of how difficult - with so many others . " With that in mind I would like to pass the flame to three women who inspire me : Yummy Sushi PajamasMissing MicahSouthern BellaI have been blessed by the women I have ' met ' while blogging . Just knowing you are out there has gotten me through some days when I felt the fight had gone out of me . It is because of you that my flame still burns . Last night , JD was talking about something and referred to our empty bedroom as Owen 's room . I about bit his head off and snapped " That 's not Owen 's room . It never was . " I surprised myself with my vehemence . Later , I apologized to JD . I guess I still get really angry when I am reminded of what might have been . Although I 've never considered myself an overly religious person , I 've always had a deep sense of faith . I prayed regularly . Even through everything that went on my mom 's illness and a subsequent death , I kept praying and my faith was unshaken . All of that changed when Owen died . I suddenly found that I couldn 't pray and , I 'll be honest , that scared me . Yesterday I was going through some old papers and I found a notebook I had kept while taking a course on Judaism before JD and I married . In it I had written down a quote from the rabbi . He said " Don 't pray for G - d to change things in your life . Prayer doesn 't change things , prayer changes people and people change things . " It doesn 't make everything better but , it was what I needed to hear . I don 't know what I believe anymore but I know I believe something . I have a friend , S . We have been friends for almost a decade now but , due to time , family and distance , we probably only talk around 2 - 3 times a year now . Circumstances being what they were ( mild hyperemesis , two small children , a move out of state , summer vacations , etc . ) , I never got around to telling her I was pregnant . Then Owen died and I crawled into myself and hid for the next few months . So , of course I got a nice newsy email from her a few days ago wanting to catch up . She asked how things are with us and I don 't even know where to start . I find the thought of explaining everything just too exhausting to contemplate . At the same time , I can 't write back and not mention Owen . So , I 've done nothing . Well , as the first major holiday after losing Owen , thanksgiving was okay , I guess . There was lots of good food , mostly good family , and a few sad moments . I did host thanksgiving dinner at our house and so managed to stay busy enough that I wasn 't constantly thinking about how the day should have been . I 'm glad its over though . The holidays feel like one more thing I need to survive in order to learn how to live without Owen . I spend so much time here talking about the awful things ( and believe me there are a lot of them ) but , if I 'm truly honest , there have been some good things that have come out of losing Owen . Most days it is a stretch for me to see them but lately its been getting a little easier . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not happy about any of this and given the choice I would give any of these back to have Owen here with us , but that 's not an option and I am working really hard to deal with what is and not what might have been . So , in that spirit , I 've been working on a list of things that have happened that I am thankful for . I guess these are blessings that Owen brought into my life . First , JD - my husband , my lover , my friend , my partner , thank you for loving Owen as much as I do and not being afraid to show it . You speak of him naturally and without shame . I have never loved you more as a man than I did in the moment after I handed him to you for the first time . You looked at me , tears streaming down your face and whispered " Oh Ashleigh , he 's beautiful . " You still look at his picture and talk about him as your little guy . Thank you for being more , just more everything , everyday . To my friend , A , thank you for being the kind of friend that everyone wants but few have . You have gone above and beyond for me time and again . Thank you for always saying the right thing , even when that 's nothing at all . Thank you for listening to me talk about Owen and not once getting uncomfortable or making me uncomfortable . After Owen died , I asked you to find some books to help me talk to J about our loss . Not only did you do just that but , not being satisfied with what was out there , you sat down and wrote one yourself . There are no words to tell you how much that meant to me , how much that means to me . Thank you seems inadequate but , thank you . To my dad , who when we called that awful Sunday afternoon responded only " I 'm turning the car around right now . I 'll be there as soon as I can . " - thank you . Thank you for taking care of things for us in thPosted by I 've been working on a post for a few days now , sort of the opposite of my " Bite me " post . It seemed like the right time of year to talk about the people who have really gone above and beyond for us since we lost Owen and how we truly do have so many things to be thankful for . I was hoping to finish it up and get it up today , but I woke up this morning in a funk and I 'm just not in a thankful place . I know what brought it on and I guess I have only myself to blame . I 've been reading birth stories online . I read one last night that was just beautiful . She described feeling her baby slide out of her and then hearing the baby cry for the first time . I can 't get it out of my head . I read it and all I could think is how badly I wanted that . The feeling of birthing Owen is still so vivid and so is the terrible silence that followed . I 'm definitely not thankful for that . Over the past few months , whenever I would think about the days when Owen died and then was born , I would have a physical reaction to it . My heart would start racing , I feel would sick to my stomach , sweating , etc . It would continue until I would feel like I was going to die and I would force myself to think of something else , anything else . I suppose I was having panic attacks , although I don 't know for sure . It kept me from dealing with what happened to some degree and made it really hard to share with other people . It 's part of the reason that I started this blog 8 weeks after he died . It took me that long to get through writing out his story . I would write a few sentences and then have to stop for awhile until I was sure I was going to survive and then I could start again . I guess I thought it would always be like that . However , things seemed to have changed now . I 'm not sure exactly when it happened , but I realized yesterday that I was thinking about those days and not feeling that physical reaction . I went and got out the box of his things and went through it . I looked at all the pictures we have of him and cried . I felt sad but not sick . As I sat there and stared at my beautiful little man , I never once had to look away for fear of losing myself completely . I guess this is progress . I guess the intensity of it is fading some . As strange as it is , that makes me a little sad too . I feel like I 'm leaving him behind , again . I find myself feeling separate from what is going on around me a lot of the time now . I can be surrounded by people , even engaged in animated conversation , yet I feel like I am completely alone . I went out last night with a bunch of friends and all I could think most of the night was how different I felt than everybody else . It 's a little better when JD is with me but when I 'm by myself in a group , its a struggle . I feel like what happened should be obvious when you look at me . I feel like I should have a neon blinking sign over my head that reads " My baby is dead . " I don 't know how to make this part of me and not all of me . One of the many things that has changed about me since Owen died is my ability to cope with stress . I used to be a relatively laid - back person and I liked that about myself . I had a general belief that although life has it ups and downs everything would come out all right in the end . I 'm finding that I no longer feel that way . I have this constant anxiety , like I 'm waiting for the other shoe to fall . I 've become somewhat neurotic and superstitious and I don 't like it at all . J is on a field trip with his preschool this afternoon , just a walk to a local market - maybe a block or so from the school , and I am terrified that something bad is going to happen to him . I think he 's going to get hit by a car . I 'm sitting here planning out what I will do when they call me and tell me ; what things I 'll need to pack to bring to the hospital , who I 'll have to call , etc . There is a part of me that realizes how completely ridiculous this is but , then there 's that little voice whispering " but what if ? " Losing Owen taught me that we 're never really safe and its a lesson I 'd rather not have learned . I don 't want to be afraid forever . As a sort of background , you need to know that we moved to the town we currently live in from a different state in late spring of this year . As a result , J started a new preschool in September and , for reasons I 'll go into in another post , most of the parents do not know about Owen . So , I was at a mother 's event the other day and a group of mothers began trading " war stories " of pregnancy and birth ; who had an easy time , who had complications , etc . There is one particular mother who is one of those people who no matter what you talk about she has done it and better ( or worse as the case may be . ) I like her though and generally find it a funny aspect of her personality . Anyhow , of course , she was going on and on about how difficult her pregnancies were and all I could think is I could end this conversation right now . All I 'd have to do is say some pithy like , " Oh yes , poor you , that does sound awful . My last pregnancy was relatively easy , that is , of course , until the baby died . " As it was , I didn 't say anything . So , we are pretty sure that we are not finished building our family yet . We don 't have any plans in mind about doing anything about that yet , but one of things I felt the need to do as part of this whole process was find a new midwifery practice . We were unhappy with the last one for a lot of different reasons . The biggest one being they made me feel like a leper after Owen died . It was so uncomfortable both speaking on the phone and going to the office . Like maybe they thought stillbirth was contagious and I might contaminate their other patients ? Or maybe I was just too big of a bummer , who knows ? Anyhow , so yesterday JD and I went to have a consultation with a different practice . It went really well . The midwives there just seemed to get it in a way that we have not encountered in " outsiders " yet . I had mentioned Owen 's name once in passing in the phone when setting up the appointment and everyone there remembered it and used as comfortably as if he were one of our living children . It 's amazing how much that means to me . They basically said that how our next pregnancy ( should there be one ) is handled is mostly up to us . They will provide whatever support we need . If we need to be seen weekly and talk to them every day , then that 's we will do . They will offer and support any and all testing we want , but we don 't have to do what we don 't want to . They even said while they don 't generally support early inductions without a medical reason , they would certainly make an exception for us if we got to 37 weeks and just couldn 't handle it any more . It felt good to be with people who just seemed to get it . One midwife commented that we may end up feeling like we just need to survive a subsequent pregnancy and not revel in it . Who knows what will happen but I left the office feeling lighter , like maybe we could do this . There was a tiny glimmer of something like hope there . This is dedicated to all the people who have said and done insensitive and just plain stupid things to us since Owen died . I have decided to get it all off my chest here and then try and let it go . Wish me luck . Bite me to our midwife who , while I was laboring to give birth to my dead son , advised me not to wait too long to try again because one , it would make me forget " this " , and two , I 'm not getting younger . Nice , huh ? Bite me to my mother - in - law who , when we called her that Sunday to ask to her to help take care of J & K while we were in the hospital , told JD that she couldn 't come until after 10 am on Monday because she had an appointment to get the oil changed in her car . Bite me to the first chaplain they sent me in the hospital who immediately told me that I shouldn 't be angry with God . My baby is dead , I 'll feel however I damn well please and if God has a problem with that then its just too bad . He also told me not to grieve or miss the baby because he was never mine to begin with . You were preaching to the wrong audience , Father T . All you did was make me thank my lucky stars I wasn 't raised Catholic . Bite me to everyone has told me that they " know just how I feel because they have lost their grandmother / grandfather / dog . " Yes , someone did , in fact , compare our loss to the death of their dog . Bite me to people who , when making those kind of comparisons , justify it by saying " loss is loss . " Anyone capable of saying that has never lost a child . Bite me to the Medical Center for billing us incorrectly so that I get to spend hours on the phone telling clueless and unfeeling people our story . Bite me again to one particular woman for implying I might be making it up to avoid paying them . Bite me to the nurse at our former practice for saying " Congratulations " when I arrived for my six week post - partum - You saw me in the hospital , you knew he died ! Bite me again for then hiding from me when I was leaving . Bite me again to my mother - in - law for asking JD if I was " better yet " 5 days after Owen was born . Bite me to the sePosted by So today is the day . Owen was due today . While he may not have actually been born today , I have reason to believe that , had everything gone perfectly , he would be here by now . ( K was born over 4 weeks early and J arrived exactly on his due date . ) Up until now most of my thoughts have been along the lines of I should still be pregnant and I have found myself , for the most part , acting accordingly . I have had a difficult time doing anything that I normally wouldn 't do while pregnant - drinking alcohol , lifting heavy objects , strenuous exercise , etc . - even though I know that there is no reason for me to avoid these things . Now , though , all I can think is we should have a baby now . The ' aching arms ' feeling so many of you have talked about has become so real for me in the past few days . As I think about the upcoming holidays , all I can think about is how different things will be than we had planned . I always host Thanksgiving for our families and JD and I had spent many hours discussing whether or not we would be able to . " After all , we would have a newborn ! " I said . Whether or not we would be able to spend Christmas eve at my dad 's place . " All of us in the same room with a newborn ? ? " JD said . We went over and over these things - what a waste . Today is just Monday - nothing special , nothing exciting might happen today . It 's just Monday . Owen has been gone for 13 weeks . One of the things I am struggling with quite a bit now is the loss of who I was before Owen died . I look at pictures of myself taken in the days and weeks before we lost Owen and I don 't even recognize that person . There 's one in particular that haunts me . A picture taken in June , about a month before Owen died . We were on vacation and in the picture I am on the beach , laughing . J & K are in the background playing in the sand . I am looking somewhere just beyond the camera lens . I look at this picture over and over . The woman I see there is content . I see her , smiling and confident , and feel an odd sense of detachment . I stare into my own eyes looking for clues - clues to what I 'm not really sure ; maybe some foreshadowing of the nightmare that will shortly begin , maybe some answer to how I will continue to survive . I envy her , but also pity her - she has no idea what 's coming . I may as well be looking at pictures of a stranger - in some ways I guess I am . So my dad called the other day and told me that when he went to visit my mom 's grave , he discovered that Owen 's stone was there . So on Saturday , we went to the the cemetery . I like how permanent it is . I need for something about Owen , other than his loss , to be permanent . Standing there , I realized it is probably the last thing we will ever buy for our son . There are so many other things I wanted to give him . Owen , I had so many plans for you , for us . It 's funny because I really haven 't felt much anger since losing Owen . Everything I 've read about grief and everyone I 've talked to has mentioned anger as one of the initial stages of grief and I 've been feeling like maybe I 'm doing it wrong or something - until yesterday . We got a bill from the Medical Center where I had my prenatal care and where Owen was delivered . I was glancing over it and at the bottom I notice a charge for a Fetal Nuchal Translucency scan and the date of service - August 16 , 2007 . My heart just stopped and I was ( and am ) livid . I know my anger over what is obviously a mistake is irrational and misplaced but I can 't help myself . I called the phone number on the bill and of course its a billing service not related to the Medical Center in any way and the woman I speak with knows nothing . I explain I believe there 's been an error and I know I didn 't have this particular service . And then she asked if I was certain . I almost lost it , through clenched teeth I told her that yes I was certain as the pregnancy had ended over two weeks earlier when the baby was born dead . She told me that she would have an account manager " look into it " and call me back . She never said she was sorry and no one has called me back . I think I hate them now and I am very very angry . Eight years ago today JD and I were married . While this is not the path I imagined , there is no one else I would want by my side , holding my hand as we travel . This morning he woke me by placing a tiny box on my pillow , inside was a beautiful ring - diamonds for me , he said , and rubies for Owen . Like you , it is perfect for me . I love you JD . I have the dubious fortune of having a dear friend who has also lost a child . I don 't want to share too many details without her permission , but C lost her infant daughter at about 2 weeks of age . We were friends before children came into either of our lives and now have this bond that neither of us ever imagined . While I wish we did not share this , I am thankful to have her . She is one of two friends I have that still say Owen 's name out loud and are willing to talk about him . Anyhow , the other day we were emailing and I admitted that I felt I didn 't miss Owen . I felt horrible about admitting that , and sort of embarrassed too . I felt like I was doing something wrong , I mean how could I not miss my son ? I knew I loved and love him , shouldn 't I miss him ? After thinking about it for several days , I think it 's how I was defining missing that was wrong . I was trying or expecting to miss him the way I would miss J & K if the unthinkable happened and they were gone . I would miss specific things about them - the things that make them who they are . However , with Owen born still , I really don 't know those things about him . I never heard him cry . I don 't know what he liked or what made him fussy . I never saw his eyes open . I don 't know what his breath smelled like . All I can do is imagine who he might have been . I 've decided to change the way I think about it and give myself permission to miss what I never really had . These past few days have busy , full of the mundane things that make each day fly by and leave you wondering what you actually got done that day . I went most of the day yesterday without thinking about Owen and I don 't know how I feel about that . Actually , that 's not true , I know exactly how I feel about that . I feel awful and guilty . After all , what kind of mother " forgets " about one of her children ? But then again , it felt kind of good to feel a little bit " normal " again . I mean what exactly is my goal on this path of grief ? To go days without thinking of him ? To " move on , " as so many well - meaning people have suggested I do ? To remember him and not feel like I would do anything to have him here with me ? None of that seems right . I don 't know how to do this and I hate it . I was driving J , my 4 year old , to school today when he announced that there was a baby in my belly and it would be coming out to play with him when it got bigger . I reminded him that while , yes , there had been a baby in my belly , he was not there anymore . Baby Owen died and would not be able to play with him . He told me he knew that baby Fluffy ( his name for Owen ) died but that there were lots of babies in my belly and someday one of them would be big and healthy and would be able to come home and play with him . I wish I had his confidence . I had a vision of what my family would look like and it did not include photographs of a dead baby , my dead baby . Oh Owen , I wish things were different . JD and I stayed by the grave long after everyone had left . The gravedigger came to bury Owen . He was a huge man . I could tell he was a little uncomfortable with us there . I imagined that he did not bury many babies . He drove forward slowly in a backhoe , the bucket filled with dirt . And then I did something unexpected , even by me . I asked him if we could do it . He was surprised but willing . He and JD gently lowered Owen into the ground by hand . Then he got us a shovel and together JD and I buried our son . When we had finished , the gravedigger got on his hands and knees and gently patted the earth smooth . I thanked him for taking such good care of my son . Then I went home and threw out my shoes . We buried Owen with my Mom . When I say this I mean that because he was so small we were actually able to dig down and place him right on top of her . On good days , I actually get some peace from knowing that they have each other now . There was no one who loved infants more than my Mom . I don 't remember much of the service . In the great kindness of the universe , my milk came in that day . I was in so much pain . It was hot and I was still bleeding heavily . I remember my brother hugging me like he would never let me go . I remember JD beside me holding my hand . I remember my father rubbing my back while I stared at the tiny coffin . Mostly , I remember the heat . Owen was beautiful . He was big for his gestation . 3 pounds 3 ounces and 15 inches long at just barely 27 weeks . He had long thin feet like K . He had my father 's nose and my husband 's eyebrows . He had a tiny bit of the dark wavy hair J had been born with . I unwrapped him and examined every part of his tiny body ; his long fingers and tiny penis , his perfect ears and miniscule toenails . I noted the places on his feet and legs where his skin had already begun peeling . I was in love with all of these things . He looked peaceful . As the hours passed , JD and I took turns holding him and kissing him , whispering to him , and trying to memorize his tiny body . We had a lifetime of parenting to squeeze into those hours . We cried a lot but also laughed some . He had hairy shoulders just like his dad . Soon , some of the physical changes that accompany death began to take place . I took a blanket and wiped away the fluid that began to leak from his nose . I remember the nurse was distressed by this and offered to take him then . But I wanted to care for him . I knew it was my only chance . It was a long night , but once the induction began we didn 't cry . In fact , we joked a bit and reminisced about the labors of our other children . JD slept some and I watched him . I couldn 't pray that night . I thought a lot about my mom who had died 17 months previously . I asked her to take care of my baby , to hold him tight and sing to him so he would always know how very much I loved him . Early the next morning , I woke JD . " It hurts - I 'm so uncomfortable now . " He called the nurse . She and the midwife checked me - 9 . 5 centimeters . " Almost time . " They left to call the chaplain . Almost immediately I felt the overwhelming urge to push . I moaned to JD to get the nurse . She came quickly . " Please . Can I push now ? I need … . " " Oh - let me get Janet quick . " JD took my hand . " I don 't want to do this . I 'm scared . " I said . " I know . Me too . " He kissed me on the forehead . Janet and the nurse arrived and I started pushing . It didn 't take long . " There 's his head " I heard " You need to push hard for the shoulders . " I felt his body slide out of mine and began to sob . It was the only sound in the room . " Oh my son . My baby boy . I 'm so sorry " I whispered over and over . I covered face with my hands and cried in a way that I have never cried before . I thought I might be sick . I thought I might die from the hurt of it . But after a few minutes , it was like a switch went off inside me and I remembered I wasn 't finished . This wasn 't over . I still had a job to do . I took a deep breath and dried my eyes . " Ok , what do I do now ? " I asked . The doctor cleared his throat and wiped his eyes . " I know this is difficult but you need to make some decisions . When you are this far along you need to deliver the baby . " I nodded . I knew this and even wanted to deliver my son . " We can admit you and induce labor now or - " " Yes . That 's what I want . Let 's do this now . ' " Ok . We will make you as comfortable as possible . We will give you whatever you want pain relief wise . We can even give you medication to make this seem like a dream . Whatever you need . " It hit me in waves ; this was really happening , this was my life now . I wasn 't sure I was strong enough to live this life and be this baby 's mother . " I need to call my husband . Please I need my husband . " " Of course , " said the nurse " I 'll get you a phone . " " No , my cell phone is my purse . Please get it . " " We 'll give you a few minutes of privacy . " the doctor said " We 'll get things organized for the induction and call Janet the midwife on call . " They stepped out . I struggled to get the number right . My hands were shaking . JD answered on the first ring " I need you to come here . I need you to come here right now , " was all I could get out . " What ? " he said sounding panicky . " What 's happening ? Is it the baby ? " All I could do was cry . How could I break his heart like this ? " He 's gone . He 's just gone . " " Oh no . . . oh . . . no . . . " he breathed . " Call daddy . See if he can come and stay with the kids . I need to deliver the baby . " I was in business mode now telling him what he needed to do to prepare the kids for me being gone overnigPosted by When I got the hospital , I couldn 't find away in other than the Maternity Discharge exit . It was Sunday afternoon and the entrance I usually used was closed . I knocked on the door at Maternity and told the security guard I didn 't know how to get to L & D . He asked " Is it for you ? " I nodded and he escorted me to the desk . The nurse was expecting me and took me a labor room . She had me get changed and get on the bed . She was so certain everything was ok . " Let 's just see what 's going on with this baby " she said . " Besides giving me gray hair ? " I tried to joke . She put the monitor on me . We could hear what sounded like a heartbeat thumping along . " That 's me , isn 't it ? " I said . She nodded and moved the monitor around some . The same rhythm maybe slightly faster could be heard again . " It 's still just me . Isn 't it ? " The nurse looked more serious and then said " Sometimes when you are early these monitors don 't work so well . Let me get the ultrasound . " She left . I was 26 weeks and 6 days pregnant . The heartbeat had never been difficult to hear . She came back with the ultrasound and the attending physician . He introduced himself and said " Let 's see what we can see . Do you know what you 're having ? " " No , " I said " and I don 't want to … unless it 's very bad . " " No , no " he said . " Don 't think like that . " As the image pulled up on the screen , all I saw was stillness . The doctor looked around and around , stopping here and there for a moment , not saying anything yet . But I had seen . I had seen the heart ; I had seen that it was not beating . He turned off the screen and looked at me . I could see the sadness in his eyes . " I do see something that concerns me . " He began softly . " I know , it 's not good , is it ? " I asked as tears began to come . " No " he said gently . " It 's not . The baby 's heart is not beating . I 'm so sorry . " I began to sob . " Oh honey " The nurse said as she handed me tissues and rubbed my back . " Do you know . . . do you know if it 's a boy or a girl ? " I asked . " It 's a boy . Posted by I 'm asked this question all the time now . Friends and family are full of concern for my well - being . Over and over again , I hear myself answer the same way , " Oh , I 'm okay . " I say this because I 'm touched by their concern . I appreciate them asking . I want to say the right thing . I want to protect the people I love from this . I want it to be true . The real truth of the matter is I 'm not okay . I 'm not sure I 'll ever be okay again . I think that 's a big reason I started this blog , to have a place where I feel safe saying that I am not okay . I awoke that morning with a start . Sweating , my heart racing , like I had just had a bad dream but , there wasn 't one I could recall . I couldn 't shake this unsettled feeling . I went to check on the kids . I 'm not sure why . They were both sleeping peacefully . I know I went to sigh thinking " Everything must be ok " when it hit me . There was silence inside me . The baby who had been poking and thumping me nearly continuously for the past 12 weeks was still . I sat on my bed , hands on my belly and gave a little jiggle . I felt a slow wave of movement . All I could think was how sluggish that felt . I thought maybe breakfast would help . I felt nauseous but forced down an English muffin with jelly . I waited and nothing happened . We got in the car for the ride home from my in - laws where we had been staying for the weekend and JD asked me what was wrong . He said I been acting weird since we got up . I didn 't want to say it aloud . " I don 't feel the baby moving . " He grabbed my hand and looked at me carefully . " Maybe it 's sleeping . " " Maybe , " I agreed , wanting him to be right and somehow knowing he wasn 't . " We 'll call the midwife when we get home . " I called her and she was more blasé than I wanted her to be . " Drink some coke and lay down . Call in me in an hour if nothing changes . " I drank the soda and lay in my bed listening to the kids play in the next room . JD peered in periodically " Anything yet ? " " No , " I forced out and began to cry . JD wanted me to call the midwife right away . " It 's only been 30 minutes , " I said . " We should give it more time . " I prayed ferociously hands on my belly ; begging God to change what I knew in my heart was true . I called the midwife and she was still blasé . " As babies get bigger they move less - " " No , " I said " this is different . I have two children already . I have been pregnant before . I know something is going on . " " Well , why don 't we have you go to L & D and checked out just in case . " I told JD I was going in and the midwife thought everything was probably fPosted by 8 weeks ago today my life changed forever . My third child was stillborn at 27 weeks gestation . And now my entire life is divided into before and after . It 's still so overwhelming it takes my breath away when I allow myself to think about how permanent this change is . |
We got a lot of rain this month . I didn 't get out to the garden to pick my green beans for a few days . I was surprised with an 11 . 5 inch long green bean . Eric was a great cousin to my brother , they were close in age and had made a lot of fun adventurous memories together - no mom would ever want to hear those stories . Eric , his brother Travis and my brother , Steve , were mostly annoying little boys to me when I lived on the farm . I do remember thinking those little Hamm boys were cute , sometimes . Eric grew up to become a kind , loving , hardworking , generous man who was a loving husband and father . He helped my Step - Dad farm , they had breakfast together almost every morning and was the best nephew and friend anyone could ever ask for . Because we have two cousins named Eric in our family , he is called " Grandpa Jerry 's Eric " who gives tractor rides by Henry . Eric was wonderful with Henry and kept him in the combine with him for a very long time . I was able to ski with two of my sisters in the same day this winter . Becca is training for the Ironman race this fall , so we were required to skiing for at least 1 . 5 hours . Kayla 's brilliant idea was to make Becca pull Nola Mae in the sled . I felt like I was flying on my skis ! We skied backwards on the trails today for the Ski Backwards Party ( annual spring party ) . I was cruising and debating which way to go because the difficult uphill climbs are really awesome downhills during this springtime party . Just as I was bringing myself back to reality that I can 't ski ALL the trails today while pulling Nola Mae because she will wake up soon . She started screaming . I looked into the sled and saw her hands were out of her gloves and they were freezing ! I sat in the snow bank next to the trail and put both of her hands in my stinky arm pits and nursed her until she was happy and her fingers were warm again . I have nursed all my kids on the ski trails at some point and can remember each time . Because it always involved screaming and a really good ski . We hit a beautiful spring day for skiing a couple times this month . One that is memorable to me is a day that I was unable to convince Henry to take the blue and black trails with me . He told me " you do the blue loop and I 'll do the green loop . " There have been times this winter that he skied ahead of me , while I packed Nola Mae into the sled , so maybe a 7 minute head start . Last year when he was almost 4 years old he left the chalet and headed out on the green trail without telling me . I had many skiers looking for him for me and he was pretty far out there ( for a kid that was almost 4 ) when someone found him and directed him back to the chalet . One day we skied together to the shelter taking our blue loop short cut . With the promise that I would pull him up the big hill . On another day , we went separate ways with the plan to meet at the shelter . I skied as fast as I could up the biggest hill on the blue loop to meet him back at the shelter . He told me he would play around on the hill by the shelter and that he would eat his snacks when he got tired . It was nice to get outside for the fresh air , exercise , a nap for Nola Mae and Henry getting a boost of independence because he is a big boy ! My friend , Michelle , has been a good source of hand - me - downs to our family , was doing some cleaning . She had this electric guitar that was a little broken and no being loved by her boys anymore . She wondered if Jack could fix it and would we want it ? I thought , " what the heck " , maybe Jack would want it ! When Jack came home I was a little nervous about what he would say to me adding to his list of things to fix . His eyes lit up and he told me he was actively looking for a used electric guitar on craig 's list . Jack was able to fix it and it is being played often at our house . Before one of the snows we got this month a chicken came out of the barn and was walking around in the yard . When I tried to " shoo " her back to the barn by the others she insisted on walking to the road , crossed it and there was no way I was going after her then . I said my good byes and wrote her off as a dead chicken . Especially when I woke up two days later to find snow on the ground . Later in the day , Nola Mae was in the living room telling me that there was a chicken outside . I didn 't believe her and told her that chicken is probably dead . I looked out the window , she was right , there was a live chicken out there ! Every chance Nola Mae gets she goes outside . She often asks to go outside . This is her first time going to the shop to see Papa all by herself . I remember each boys ' first trip to the shop without help . I may even have pictures of them doing it like this one . I had an awesome morning in the sewing room ! Nola Mae was on my sewing table twice and the rest of the time she played nicely . ( I say that because she didn 't tip anything over or knock all my bobbins and spools of thread on the floor . ) Nola Mae found a long piece of cheetah fabric and wanted " wrap ! " It was too short for us so I suggested she get her baby . She went upstairs by herself to get the baby and we wrapped the baby . One day Nola Mae wasn 't taking a nap . I suggested she get wrapped on my back while we work in the sewing room . She agreed and within minutes she was sleeping ! We ( mostly I ) picked all the apples off our trees . One of my biggest fall projects is to make applesauce . I am hoping a lot of these apples will get eaten ! I waited to pick the last batch of apples after a few good frosts . I needed to wait until most of the hornets were dead . The hornets were horrible around the apples . If I didn 't pick up the windfall apples every day they would be covered with hornets . I found a few of these apples still on the tree where the hornets ate everything but the skin . My second favorite fall project is planting garlic . This year I planted 3 1 / 2 pounds of garlic = 340 cloves . I expect to get more than 11 pounds of garlic next summer . Charlie has had some trouble with a boy in his class not being nice to him . It has gone on since last year . The first time I was aware of him was last year in 1st grade . On morning I walked Charlie to his locker and was hanging out . This little boy arrived and as they were taking off their coats he called Charlie some horrible name I think it was " stupid idiot " , right in front of me . I was shocked and told him what I thought about it in the nicest way I could come up with . This month this boy drew a very nice picture of a dragon and gave it to Charlie . The nicest thing he has ever done to Charlie . I was excited about that . Charlie said he just wanted to throw the picture away because Kris isn 't nice and why would he want to keep anything from him . I explained to Charlie that if he did something nice back , like draw him a picture or write him a thank you note maybe Kris would feel some love and try being more kind . Charlie was not excited about that at all ! He wrote this : This month was the last time I hung the diapers on the line to dry . My last load took three days to dry . And the sun is definitely not strong enough to do any bleaching ! They were gone for eight days . Henry had a wonderful time . I am not surprised because he didn 't have to share Papa , Grandma Hanna and Grandpa Rob with any other kids . Henry came home from school sad and tired . He brought me a wrap and asked me to put him on my back . I told him I wanted a picture of us so I could remember this because he is getting really big . As soon as I got the camera out his sadness turned to silliness . I made this ring sling for myself by ice dyeing it . I have only worn it a couple of times - once for this photo and one day while running errands in Waupaca . I have more ideas and wouldn 't mind selling this one so I can make a new one . We were here five years ago . We took this photo inside this tree trunk ( Henry was in my belly and Charlie and Henry were so little and so cute ) . This year we did the same pose , notice the difference in the tree trunk . On my birthday ( because I wanted to sleep in ) I took the boys to school . When I came home I notice one of the power lines in front of our house was down . Thankfully it was a wire that was not " live " . I called the electric company to tell them and secretly hoped my favorite linemen would show up . I have a couple of favorites because I use to work there many years ago . Did they know it was my birthday ? My two favorite guys showed up ! My mom and Helen helped take care of the kids while Jack and I went to dinner and stayed late for visiting . Robbie and Charlie slept over at Helen 's house . We left Nola Mae and Henry at my mom 's at 4 : 30 and came home at 12 : 30 . This was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from Nola Mae . She woke up looking for me just as we were coming down the road . I didn 't get to braiding my garlic this year before it really dried out . So the stems got chopped and I put a notice on Facebook that I had garlic for sale and 11 . 5 pounds sold within six hours . Thank you to all my friends , enjoy ! On September 20th we picked all our Honey Crisp apples . I wanted them to stay on the trees a little longer but with every windy day many would fall off the tree . Our other tree is still loaded and I will be picking those later in October to make applesauce . I got out my baby wearing vest for one of our hikes . It was chilly but not chilly enough for me . It was perfect for keeping Nola Mae warm . We have been having a pretty good summer . Better than I expected it to ever be . The summer has gone by very quickly for me with a few bad / stressful days here and there . ( Exactly what you would expect if you lived in my house . ) This is the first summer that homeschooling has crossed my mind , for just a few minutes . I thought of " empty nest " because everyone has been asking me , " What are you and Nola Mae going to do when Henry is in school ? " As if Henry was leaving us to go to college . My first thought is , " I will miss him like crazy ! Thankfully , 4K is only two days a week ! " He is my shadow . He is the most independent 4 - year - old I have ever had . He is my entertainment with his stories and ideas . He is my helper in the kitchen and in the garden . He is my ironing dude in my sewing room . He is my spy / extra eyes on the older boys . He is my biking partner and my skiing buddy . He is Nola Mae 's best friend and her protector . She is his shadow . We will miss him ! Since I have been telling people I am not looking forward to the start of the school year because we have had such a good summer . Henry has turned into a very mischievous and rotten boy . He has got me thinking things like " I am going to be thankful for school start ! " or " The chickens aren 't going to miss him , that is for sure ! " or " I hope he doesn 't say that word at school ! " or " Should I warn his teacher about … ? " or " I am going to enjoy my clean house on Tuesdays and Thursdays . " The neighborhood social butterfly - many times this summer he has gone to our neighbor 's house without me knowing . One day , I thought he was in the wood shop with Jack . When I went to see how that was going , he never made it to the wood shop , and I found him coming up the path in the woods . The money hoarder / thief - Jack was cleaning in the toy room and found my missing piano money and the video camera under the bed . I am still on the look out for my zipper bag that I keep my checkbook in . Henry found Charlie 's zipper money bag that had $ 15 of bills in it and some change . I asked him to give it all to Charlie . He did , but later took the bills out and put them in his pocket . We didn 't know this happened until a couple of days later . I had no clue what shorts he was wearing . It took me about three days to find that money . The boy who wants to always do it his way , always with the intention of being helpful - First story : I had Charlie 's birthday cake up high on a table that Nola Mae doesn 't usually climb on and I made that clear to everyone . It just happened that she climbed on that table later on in the day and I freaked out because she could have knocked the cake off the table . Later on , without me noticing , Henry carried the cake container into the toy room and put it on the bed . When it was getting close to cake time Henry went to get the cake , bumped his hand on the door frame and dropped the cake container on its side . Second story : I found my 2014 license plate sticker sticking to my car door . When I asked Henry why , his response was that he thought it needed to be moved where I could see it better . Second story : One day when I was looking for Henry ( first places to look are the garage , garden , the chicken coop , and then the neighbor 's ) . I found him in the chicken coop . He was talking to someone . I waited outside the door and listened . He was saying , " You 're not smart . You 're not smart . You are smart . You 're not smart . You are smart ! " Then he tried to open the door . The door knob sometimes sticks . That is when I grabbed it and held it closed . Secretly , I wanted him to get a little worried about getting trapped in the chicken coop , so he would be afraid to go in there without me . Because me just telling him he can 't go in there without me doesn 't work ! He tried the door again and said , " I guess it 's locked . " I heard him doing a little hard work kind of grunting , so I peaked through the window and saw that he was climbing the 3 foot rock wall to the chicken coop window - with three eggs in his shirt and hands . He made it out the window without breaking any eggs . My Uncle Carl from California came to visit this month . He was able to spend an afternoon / evening at our house . Nola Mae warmed up to him very quickly . Our family went to Big Falls to play in the rapids on a really hot day . It was the busiest I have ever seen the place . There were about 30 other people there , usually we are the only ones . There is a zip - line there where most of the people were . I would love for the boys to try it some day . 2 ) Jack built a gate for us ( my request ) . For some reason our road is a toddler magnet . Every one of our kids loved sprinting to the road . Maybe it is the thrill of Mama or Papa chasing after them . We have had the W - 9 since our first year living here . It was a tractor of Jack 's dad 's . We used it to break ground for our veggie garden and that is about it . It is a big tractor . We also owned a Farmall H that was useful to us for moving firewood and cleaning the barn . We decided to sell them both . It was sad for me to see them go . I found some hay ! I am thinking this will be the last winter I buy hay for my horse . She may need to die or find a new home . I have fond memories of all the sweat and dust of baling hay on my Step - Dad 's farm . I had a fun time with Robbie and Charlie going to get this hay . I pulled them away from the computer to help me one evening . We drove to the field where the hay was baled and loaded up two loads of 25 bales each . And then they helped unload it . In the truck on the way to get our second load Charlie said , " This is fun ! " My friends and I ordered a total of 170 pounds of blueberries from Country Corner Sales for $ 2 . 05 / lb . Last year I paid $ 2 . 53 / lb . Not very often can you say , " The price went down this year ! " The pick - you - own blueberry farm is charging $ 2 . 50 / lb ( $ 0 . 25 more than what they charged last year ) . I boiled eggs one day and went outside before they were ready to be taken off the heat . I got this exploded egg . It looks like a chicken head to me . What do you see ? Charlie has been wanting to bike to town ( a round trip is 10 miles ) all summer . We have only done a 4 . 5 mile loop in our neighborhood a few times . With complaints and many water stops most of the way . On this day I added a 2 mile loop , totaling 6 . 5 miles , to test them out for a trip to town . I hooked up the train for a bike ride . Henry on the tag - along attached to my bike and Nola Mae in the Burley attached to the tag - along . Robbie couldn 't find his shoes so he biked in socks . Charlie was just plain crabby about the whole idea . A few days later , we went to town on our bikes . Charlie was pumped . Robbie was tired before we started . They raced almost the whole way and I had a hard time keeping up with them . It took us 36 minutes to go the 5 miles . We had a picnic at the park , then dropped off some of my healing balm at a friend 's house and at the pharmacy . The pharmacist is testing it to see if they want to stock it on their shelves . We went to the library for some books on CD for our trip to Milwaukee and then to the ice cream shop . On the way home Charlie was so tired I considered dropping his bike off at my friend 's house ( 3 miles from our house ) , putting Henry in the trailer with Nola Mae and having Charlie ride on the tag - along . Nola Mae was sleeping and Charlie seemed better after more water . When we were two miles from home Charlie figured out a way to hold onto the bike trailer / stroller 's handle bars with one hand and his handle bars with the other . He peddled while holding on and there were times I could feel him pushing me and other times when I was pulling him . He said he would let go when a car was coming and while going up and down the hills . I could have sworn he was holding on when we were climbing that last hill to our house and I looked back and he wasn 't . Henry is a good peddler on the tag - along . It took us 48 minutes to get home . Often I find Nola Mae walking around with a pen ( or whatever writing utensil she can find ) and paper . Maybe she will be a writer . She sat with Java for a long time as if she was interviewing her . My friend , Lynn , gave me this cute dress for Nola Mae . I have been wanting to take a cute picture of her in the dress for Lynn . Nola Mae has been getting the dress dirty before I could get a photo taken . This is an example of how quick I can be with the camera . I was in the kitchen , my camera is usually there , I turned around and saw Nola Mae doing this … Nola Mae comes out the chicken coop with me often , she is usually on my back , this time she was walking with me . I feed them and then collect the eggs , so I am not tripping over them or getting pecked when I am stealing eggs . Nola Mae decided to eat with the chickens . I have a friend who got married the same weekend as the Liver Walk . Earlier this year she asked me if I was interested in making her wedding cake . I seriously considered it . I knew she was having a small wedding and she would be the kind of bride I could work with . My only concern was having the time to make the cake . During the week of her wedding I was sad to not be making her wedding cake . I started making a triple layered 9 inch round cake for my nephew 's graduation party . I needed Nola Mae to be busy for a little while so I could mix the cake by letting her play with the water on a chair AT the sink . NOT in the sink ! We went to the Liver Walk and had a graduation party for my nephew afterwards . I made snake bubbles and they were a hit with all the little kids and even the big kids . How to make snake bubbles : Cut off the bottom of a plastic bottle ( soda or water bottle ) . I have gotten braver with my soaps . I purchased more essential oils this spring and made this soap in early June . It turned out beautiful , this has cinnamon and orange essential oils with ground cinnamon . If you like cinnamon smelling things you would love this ! I bought this fabric at a rummage sale . It is the perfect weave for a wrap . I serged the edges and used it for weeks until I finally hemmed it . It is shorter than my other wraps and there is only enough room for me to do a Rucksack carry tied under the bum ( A . K . A . RUB ) . I have learned that I love it for very fast ups and downs and escaping out from the fabric when laying down Nola Mae . I am in a babywearing group on facebook . Each week they do a " carry of the week " . A great way to learn a new carry or in this case a new tie off . This is a double hammock carry with a salt water tie with my Zara Velvet wrap . I couldn 't find Henry in the house and the last time I heard him he was upstairs . I expected to find him in my night stand playing with my reading light , or eating my vitamin C drops , playing in the boys ' room with the things he isn 't suppose to touch . Instead I caught him reading on my bed . He got some really big hugs and kisses from me after I was sneaky about taking this photo . I made two batches of soap last week , in order to have them ready for my Christmas gifts this year . I used two different boxes and learned that the newest box seemed to work the best ( an old drawer ) . The soap on the left is my favorite soap . It is similar to " Earth Child " a kind that I have seen on the internet . The essential oils are Patchouli , Orange and Lemon and I add oatmeal for exfoliation . The soap on the right has the essential oils Lavender and Lemon grass . Everyone seems to love this kind ! Henry 's turn to bring snack to preschool was coming up . He of course wanted to help . Here he was telling me he was ready before I was ready . He got out the measuring spoons and the flour . We made a triple batch of banana bread and muffins . I shared some loaves and put some in the freezer . Jack took photos of each of us and put our profile shot in one photo . I love it ! And soon this photo will be on our wall . We went to The Paine Art Center for the Ansel Adams ' exhibit . In the children 's area the activity was to make a Frankenstein head . They had the blank green heads already made out of milk jugs . Here is one last photo of " yours mullein " with the leaves harvested . I needed to explain to Henry that I don 't want it cut down because I want the seeds to fall on the ground and plant more mullein . I was able to redirect his attention to job we were in the garden for … cutting broccoli . Monday , June 11th : Today we started doing push - ups . A long time ago I started the 100 push - ups challenge ( http : / / hundredpushups . com / ) . I blogged about the benefits of push - ups in March 2011 , click here to read that post . For some reason I stopped , if I am remembering correctly I had to repeat a certain week three times and was a little frustrated . Now I am determined to try again . Our total of push - ups for the three days we did them was 112 . Wednesday , June 13th : Today one of our chickens laid this tiny egg . I am finally getting back to using my clothes line . I had a few items that needed bleaching in the sun . Most importantly , the reason why I took this picture is because girls ' clothes are so cute on Nola Mae and even on the clothes line ! After the library I made these chocolate chip cookies that everyone loved ! Secret ingredient … garbanzo beans ! This recipe came from the Deceptively Delicious : Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food cookbook . They were much better than the brownies that we made for Charlie to take to school . Friday , June 15th : This morning we went to Waupaca to run errands and met with my lactation consultant . We have concerns that Nola Mae hasn 't been gaining weight at the normal rate a baby should . I wasn 't too worried about this because I have been feeling like she is breastfeeding enough , even though I think she sleeps a lot , and was probably gaining weight . I was wrong ! She hasn 't even gained the bare minimum in the last week and a half . I left there with different things to try and plans to get another weight done in a week and a heavy weight of stress on my shoulders . Sunday , June 17th : What do Vater Boys do for Father 's Day ? Jack took the boys to the woods to make firewood . His brother called to wish him a " Happy Father 's Day " and told me that he was building a wood shed with his kids . I wasn 't surprised Eddie had news of a project to work on . There is no sitting around in this family ! During the storm Nola Mae napped in my arms while I read my book . Next year she 'll be building dams with her brothers . Or maybe destroying the dams they build . Tuesday , June 5th : I have mentioned before how Henry can be very gentle with our job of collecting 20 + eggs into a bucket and not break a single one . But when it comes to chicks and chickens it seems like he likes to catch them and stick them in places where they don 't belong … a boot or a cooler are the most popular places . I sprinted for the camera and then saved the chick . " Look , Mama ! It fits in my Granny boots ! " He calls his boots " Granny boots " because we left them there once , he forgot he even had them and when we went back to Granny 's he thought she gave them to him . Wednesday , June 6th : Summer vacation started off with a great first day . I bought the boys the game Battleship . I loved playing this when I was younger and I thought they were ready for it . They started playing this game the night before and were eager to finish it this morning . I am not sure what the reason for this little bit of cuddling Nola Mae was getting from Robbie . It is a rare occasion . All I remember is running for the camera to take this picture . I am kind of remembering he was icing his foot . Thursday , June 7th : This maple tree by the garden is much bigger since Henry was a baby in the spring of 2009 . He slept under this tree for many hours that first summer while we worked / played in the garden . Robbie joined Nola Mae under the tree to do some writing and drawing . I got a little bit of work done in the garden . Our first picnic lunch . The boys were excited . I set it up and surprised them . They ate very well and willingly helped with the clean - up . I may have to do this more often . We arrived at our final destination … Perrot State Park . Jack and Helen took awesome photos all weekend . It was very difficult to choose which ones to post here . If I can find some time this week I may do a post of my favorite photos from our weekend . Saturday , June 9th : Nola Mae slept very well for her first night in a tent ! Sunday , June 10th : On Sunday our hike was at least two hours . Henry wasn 't interested in being carried this time . So he hiked the whole thing ! We met some hikers on the way up the bluff and the lady made some comment doubting that the boys could do the whole thing . I wish she was at the end of the trail to see they all made it . Before we left the park we all took showers . My hope was to wash away any poison ivy that was touched . It seemed like it was every where I looked and every where the boys stepped . ( I am busy washing EVERYTHING from the weekend - shoes , clothes and bedding . ) So far , knock on wood , there is no sign of poison ivy ! As I was looking through my photos for this week 's post I found these of Nola Mae 's first bath in the sink . She loved it . Robbie was our photographer . |
I recently stumbled upon a blog called 100 Things ( http : / / 100things . com . au / ) . I love it . This guy made a list of 100 things he 'd like to do during his lifetime and is spending time checking off each one . One of my big mantras in life is to never look back and say " I should have . . . " Life is for living and we need to make decisions every day that should be the best decisions we can make . Why should we ever look back and say " I wish I had . . . " Why not just go ahead and do it ? We weigh our actions all the time . There is no reason not to make the right decision at the time . Sure , sometimes hindsight is 20 / 20 , but still - we do what we can and we should be proud of the decisions we make . Anyway , we all have our bucket list . . . some of the things we 've already checked off , some of the things may be slightly unrealistic , others may linger on the list a little longer than we like . I challenge you to make your list of 100 things . . . Or even just start with 25 . . . here 's my first 25 . . . some I 've already checked off . . . they are in no particular order but I 'm sticking to those that are fairly realistic . 1 . Have more than one child . Check . 2 - 8 . See the 7 natural wonders of the world . According to thesevennaturalwonders . org , these are : the2 . The aurora borealis3 . The Grand Canyon . Check . 4 . Paricutin5 . Victoria Falls . Check . 6 . Mount Everest . 7 . Great Barrier Reef . 8 . Harbor of Rio de Janeiro9 - 15 . See the 7 man - made wonders of the world . These are : 9 . The Great Wall of China . 10 . Petra in Jordan11 . Christ the Redeemer in Brazil . 12 . Machu Picchu in Peru . 13 . Chichen Itza in Mexico . 14 . The colosseum in Italy . 15 . The Taj Mahal in India . 15 . 5 . The Pyramds in Giza . Check . ( the Pyramids were kept as an honorary member according to Wikipedia ) . 16 . See the monarch butterfly migration in Mexico17 . Go on Safari . Check . 18 . Live with a tribe . 19 . Try hang gliding or para - gliding20 . Go scuba diving . Check . 21 . Become PADI certified . 22 . Learn to play an instrument . 23 . Go to Marrakesh . Check . 24 . Go to Timbuktu . 25 . Go cage diving with sharks . 26 . Swim with a whale shPosted by We just returned from the Maldives . . . a group of islands located just southwest of India in the Indian Ocean . It was spectacular ! I had a conference there , so I took the kids for about a week . Our hotel was on a small island with nothing else on it . . . it took about 20 minutes to walk around the entire island . No cars , just sand everywhere . The water was as clear as it could be and the sand just melted under our feet . We went snorkeling , I went scuba diving - something I 've always wanted to do . Everything I read said that this was the best place in the world for scuba diving . Of course , now that I 've tried it , everywhere else will pale in comparison ! I took a short lesson and was able to go down about 30 meters . It was amazing - hundreds of fish in as many different colors . The anemones were full of bright colors , as well , and we managed to spot a black tip reef shark ( harmless - this one was about four feet long , I 'd say ) and an eagle ray ( I 'd guess it had about a four foot wingspan ) . The kids had the time of their lives playing on the beach and at the pool . It was a REALLY long trip to get there ( about 30 hours travel time there and about 36 on the way back ! ) , but the kids did great and really enjoyed themselves . Here are some pix ! may break my bones . . . . and , damn do they hurt ! Stones of the internal kind and sticks of the needle kind ! Last Wednesday I started to have some abdominal pain . . . I thought it was just lunch taking awhile to digest or something . . . well , it just got worse . By evening , I was doubled over in pain . I took some heavy duty prescription pain medication I had lying around and it did almost nothing . I knew I was having a gall bladder attack and , in the past , when I 've spoken to the doctor about these , there 's nothing they can really do about them . They tell me that they are just going to get more frequent and worse until I finally have to get my gall bladder taken out . Well , I finally was able to get to sleep around 4 am . The next day I was still in pain , so I called the doctor to see how long this should last . I got scheduled for an ultrasound the next day and got some blood tests to make sure it hadn 't affected my pancreas or liver . Fortunately , the blood tests came out fine . Thursday night I was in agony . Way worse than the night before . Five doses of oxycodone brought the pain level down to about an 8 and I was afraid to take anymore . Finally got to sleep again around 4 am . The ultrasound showed stones and sludge but no blockages . Also a swelled gall bladder and a distended tube coming out of the kidney . By Sunday , I was still in pain so decided to go to the ER . They took some more tests and pretty much said that I just needed to wait for the swelling in my gall bladder to go down and that they really didn 't know what the problem was . Apparently , when it comes to abdominal pain , they can diagnose only about half the time . To come to this conclusion , they put an iv in and took more blood . I 'm a REALLY tough stick . . . small veins are something I definitely inherited from my mother . The iv lady was able to get in the first try but the blood lady took two and had to go in through my hand . The worst blood draw I 've ever had since she was moving that damn needle all over the place . ouch . Then the pain medication got me constipated . Posted by This past weekend we went to RI for my niece 's bat mitzvah . H even came along . Since he is not Jewish and had not met any of my family , this was really trial by fire for him ! My sister really went all out on the bat mitzvah planning . Everything was perfect and beautiful for the 100 or so guests . The luncheon and party afterwards was a lot of fun , complete with a DJ , a kid handler ( to make sure all those 13 year olds had the time of their lives ) and lots of loud partying and dancing . H got to meet my siblings and several cousins . H was such a sport . Even though I don 't think he was feeling great ( he had a terrible cold ) , he was helpful and patient with all the goings on . I think this one is a keeper . The bat mitzvah was on Saturday . By the time we got there , it had started to rain a little . By mid - afternoon , the snow started and the nor ' easter started heading in . The timing was good - the party was already starting to break up anyway - so we headed back to CT to stay at my sister 's house before we were to leave to come back home the following morning . By the time we got to my sister 's house , the snow was in full force and there was already several inches on the ground . We made it up the hill to her house . At the end of the cul - de - sac , my sister had just pulled in as well and ran out to tell us to go to a hotel because it was too dangerous . Trees had started to fall all over the place . She didn 't have any power . As we sat in the car and listened , about every minute we would hear craaaack , craaaaack . . . . trees and branches breaking . Some were already resting on power lines . It was REALLY spooky . The kids got very scared and e even started to cry a little . H , the trooper that he is , ran inside the house and got all our stuff ( thank goodness because we would have had a very difficult time getting it the next day ! ) and we went and stayed at my brother 's house instead . Even though he lives less than a mile away , he did have power . We all camped out there for the night . He lost his power , too , around 2 am but since he haPosted by The baby bunnies in their nestSo , last month we found some baby bunnies in our yard . The mom had built the nest just a few feet from our driveway , so when I saw all the dead grass all over and didn 't remember the patch being there before , I moved it aside to reveal five , very cute , baby bunnies . At the time , I 'm guessing they were just 3 - 5 days old . I did a lot of reading about them and learned that you can , in fact , handle them and the mother will still come back . She only comes back about once a night to feed them and leaves them alone the rest of the time so she doesn 't attract attention to them . So , the kids had a great time visiting with the bunnies every day . And , boy , were they cute . Holding the baby bunniesThen the rains came . The nest got flooded out . I came out to find some of them sitting in a cold puddle in the nest , not knowing where to go . Everything I read online said that the nest could be moved to about ten feet away and the mom would still find it . So , we moved the nest up the hill a little bit , out of where the water was gathering . I also put a box over the hole to help keep them dry since all the grass that was covering them was now wet and / or gone . The mom apparently was coming back and the babies were doing fine . Their eyes all opened and they were getting lots of fur and starting to jump around . Then two died with all the rain . . . . Very sad to see them out there , but we got rain and cool weather for about a week and they just couldn 't make it . I had also read that only about 10 % of the wild bunnies survive because there is so much going against them . Another one died a couple days later and another one ran away ( at least that 's what I told the kids . . . it was very active and I 'm guessing it just attracted attention to itself ) . The kids had been pleading and pleading to keep them , so when it came down the the last one , we took it in . Thumper did well for a few days , but then died - unfortunately while under the care of a girl next door ( and her party pals - I 'm hoping we didn 't create any psycholPosted by It 's hard to believe that my little boy will be eight years old tomorrow ! Where the heck does all the time go ? I have a party planned for him over the weekend at one of the local farms . Lots of fall stuff to do there like the corn maze , slide , pumpkins , hotdog roast . All fun stuff . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will be a nice day . So far , the forecast says we will be cool , but no rain . Phew ! Last weekend , the kids had a great time at Sunday school decorating the Succah and making their own candy Succot . This is really a fun holiday for them . And , did I mention we did the artificial skydiving again last month ? WHAT fun ! e still wasn 't up for it , but she watched as E and I pretended we were superheroes ! The whole reason for starting this blog was so I could remember all the great things the kids and I do together . . . well , that doesn 't help , if I don 't keep up with things ! So , a brief update on what we 've been up to . Before school started back we went camping at the family camp near Pittsburgh for a week . I always enjoy that time . It 's SO relaxing for me and the kids have a blast . E took horseback riding lessons and e and I did a lot of kayaking . I did the zipline , too , but got stuck ! They had to come rescue me because I didn 't make it all the way to the end . Oh well . Still a lot of fun . The kids and I took long bike rides in the woods almost every night after dinner , too . Great bonding time with them . We 've been busy doing a lot of other things , but of course I don 't remember a whole lot right now ! So , I 'll give you an update on the man situation . I 'd love to get your thoughts . I really like this guy . We 've been seeing each other for about seven months now . He 's wonderful with the kids and he 's great around the house . I enjoy spending time with him . Neither of us have uttered the " L " word , but I think the feelings are there . A couple weeks ago we spent the day together ( just he and I ) at a football game . The kids spent the night at a friend 's house so H was able to spend the night at my house for the first time . About a week earlier I had mentioned to him that I wanted to take the relationship kind of to the next step - meaning have him stay over once in awhile . I 'm not really sure how to make this transition with the kids , so it worked out well that the kids went on a sleepover that night . Anyway , when I said " next step " he thought I meant marriage ! Well , I 'm in no way ready to get married , but I thought I 'd want to work towards that . So , on the way home from the football game , we had a long talk and he said he never wanted to get married again ( burned badly in his previous marriage of 20 years ) . I told him at that time that I did want to work towards that and that I would have to move on . Now , I don 't know . . . I Posted by Last week we made our annual trip to New England to visit my siblings . While I understand that it 's nice that I can go there and visit everyone in one shot ( and do so every year ) , it still perturbs me to some extent that my siblings rarely make the trip to visit us . It 's about a five hour car ride to get there and we usually end up spending a week visiting everyone and doing some touristy stuff . Every year we stay at my sister 's house . She has the biggest house and two of her three children are now living away from home , so there 's lots of room . My brother lives just a mile away and my other sister lives about an hour and a half away . My sister is always after me to come visit and stay with her but when we get there , I always feel like I 'm intruding . I don 't think she really likes having little kids around . . . . I 'm not even sure she likes to have company for extended periods of time ! Yet , I don 't really have an option . So , whenever we visit , I do my best to stay out of her hair . We always spend some time with her , but most of the time I try to get out of the house early and return after dinner sometime so we 're out of her hair . I 'm am also constantly trying to make myself useful while there - - cleaning up the kitchen and doing whatever laundry I see that needs to be done . . . I never get a thank you for any of this , which makes me feel like I 'm almost expected to work while staying there . . . . I don 't know , maybe she just doesn 't know that I 'm doing all that work around her house . Anyway , we spent a day with my sister on her new sailboat . Lots of fun going out , but no wind . Still , it was a nice day . The next day we went on my brother 's boat . . . actually it was not a great day , weather - wise , so we ended up just going up and down the river near his yacht club on his dinghy . The kids had a great time swimming and scooting around on the little boat . So did I . We then spent a few days with sister # 2 at her house . She 's a lot more laid back and the kids had a lot of fun . Then back to sister # 1 's house ( with a day at Mystic in bePosted by The kids have been avoiding their bikes forever . I bought E a bike a couple years ago or so and I don 't think he ever rode it . He asked me to take the training wheels off it last year but was still too afraid . e also has had a really girlie bike for a couple years or so and has never ridden it . Maybe a couple times with the training wheels , but the two of them usually opt for their Razor scooters , instead . They are certainly experts at using those ! Last week , for some reason , one of them ( I think E , but I can 't remember ) asked me to get the bikes out without training wheels . e , of course , had to have hers without the training wheels , too . So , off the wheels went . In the past , I 've always kind of pushed them along and held on . Well , I took a new approach this time . Our driveway has a little bit of a hill to it . So , I told them to just go down the hill and lift their feet off the ground , and once they felt comfortable with the balance to try to pedal . It worked ! Literally , within a few minutes they were both riding great ! Now , every night when we get home , they want to ride on their " two wheel bikes . " I haven 't had a bike in years , so I 'm looking to buy one so I can keep up with them ! I also had to get E a new bike because his was too small . I gave his old one to a neighbor and we went out right away for a new bike for E ( I didn 't want to lose the excitement of the moment ! ) . The new man has been working on my house lately . . . . last week , he put up lattice work around my back deck . . . the next project is to redo the railings on the deck so it looks completely redone . I 'm excited about how it 's looking ! And , what a great guy to be doing all of it for me . He really seems to enjoy helping me around the house . Usually by now I 'm trying to figure out what is wrong with a guy . . . I haven 't figured out anything about this one yet . He has a really laid back attitude and likes doing all the kid stuff with us . Maybe we just haven 't spent enough time together ! No arguments yet , though . . . we 'll see how things go once we have one ! Well , I 've neglected this spot for way too long ! I got really busy during the end of the semester trying to plan our Italy trip . Putting together all the details for two weeks there was a LOT of work ! But , we ended up having a great time . We took 12 students along and fun was had by all . Most of it went pretty smoothly , surprisingly enough , since for many of the days I planned , I wasn 't totally sure how long it would take to get to our destination , or even how we 'd get there , and if we could fit everything into the day as planned . My kids were also great . Given that we were climbing and hiking much of the day on most days , they didn 't complain much and seemed to love the trip . I 'm posting some of my favorite shots ( if anyone knows how to flip some of these the correct way , please let me know ! ) . E and e with the gelati . . . which we consumed just about every day ! This lake really is that blue ! One of my favorite spots on top of a mountain by the lakeThat was in May . The weather while we were there couldn 't have been more perfect . . . . low to mid 80s everyday and very little rain . I got to spend some time with a couple of my friends who live over there , too , so that was a lot of fun . We also went to our local family camp for Mother 's Day weekend . As you might remember , I 'm making this a family tradition - - this was our third year . In August , we will go for a whole week - another family tradition that I have started . It was a little cold while we were there , but we had a great time . E and I tried the high ropes course . He fell off several times , but I think that 's only because he wasn 't afraid to fall ! I really did NOT want to fall and trust my harness . I have a brand new appreciation for tight rope walkers . I have no idea how they do it . The guy I was going out with last year and into the first part of this year is completely out of the picture now . He finally got the hint that I just wasn 't interested anymore . We 're still friends , but it was very clear to me that we were in completely different places in our lives . . . he just Posted by E playing with his gume at ballet classe and E going snow tubingDoes anyone ever feel like they are on borrowed time sometimes ? I swear there are times when I cheat death . Last week I had to go to Pittsburgh for a board meeting . I go there four times a year for this meeting . It 's about a 4 to 4 1 / 2 hour drive . The other months of the year are never bad , but the January meeting is always questionable weather - wise . I used to leave my house early and spend the day working with my friend there , then I have the board meeting the next morning until 2 : 00 pm . . . after the meeting , I have plenty of time to drive home and get the kids to bed . Now that my friend has been killed , I have no reason to go early , so I left my office around 3 : 00 . It was also snowing a little and I wanted to wait it out for awhile . Anyway , the highway was a little slushier than I thought and I was probably driving a little faster than I should have been . At one point , I was passing a truck and I started to plane . . . almost right into the side of the truck . VERY scary . THEN , on the way back home the next day , it was just past dark and I think my depth perception was not so great . . . add to that the fact that my windshield was filthy . Anyway , there I am passing a truck again . I could see some red lights in front of me but couldn 't figure out what they were . . . . until I was right on top of them . They were flares in the road trying to move the traffic off the lane of an accident . Well , thank God the truck next to me gave me room , because I didn 't even have time to look before I saw the flares and had to move over into his lane . If he didn 't give me room , I would have either plowed into him , or into the several people who were at the scene of the accident in front of me . Also , VERY scary . I hugged my kids a LOT this weekend . I can 't even fathom the thought of what they would do without me . . . or what I would do without them . 1 . Last Saturday night we had sub - zero temperatures at night . I woke up Sunday morning to find that there was no water . . . in the whole house . I thought for a minute that maybe I forgot to pay my water bill , but that wasn 't it . The pipes were frozen . The plumber came out fairly quickly and found the problem . Apparently , when I had my basement refinished this past summer , when they put in the Bilco door ( new door to the outside ) , they left a little bit of the water pipe exposed to the outside . The plumber thawed it out and suggested that I leave the ceiling tile open so the pipe could get more warm air . I also left the heat on downstairs that night since we were to get sub - zero temps again . 2 . Monday morning I get up and again , no water . This time , I know exactly what the problem is , so I go to the basement with my hairdryer and thaw out the pipe . e stood in the bathroom to tell me when the water started to flow . About 20 minutes later , she comes running in to tell me that the water was flowing ! I was very proud of myself for not having to call the plumber and fixing the problem myself ! About two seconds later , water came spraying out of the ceiling . The pipe had burst . So much for my feelings of pride ! Fortunately , I was close to the water main and could shut the water off quickly . The damage was very well contained . The plumber came back and made his best attempt to seal off the pipe from the outdoor exposure and insulate it . Next time we have sub - zero weather , I 'll know whether it worked ! 3 . When I got home yesterday , there was a message on my machine from one of my neighbors saying that they had noticed that the faucet outside was on and they turned it off for me . I know the plumber was out there on Sunday . . . not sure if he was out there yesterday . So , that water may have been on for a full two days . Ugh . I can 't wait to get my water bill . I suppose it could have been much worse . . . the water could have been on longer , the damage from the burst pipe could have been much worse . . . . Then , I got my bill from Virginia on aPosted by Okay , so I 've taken the initiative to get back into the online dating scene . I 've reactivated my profiles on two of the dating sites and even tried a third - which I quickly canceled because the ick factor was too high . . . . Hey , since I live in the middle of nowhere , I have to be very proactive ! So , here 's my question . . . what is it about these guys and their profile pictures ? A large portion of them post pictures of themselves with their dogs . . . many of those pictures have been taken professionally ! There are also a LOT of pictures of JUST the dog ( s ) . Quite often the number of pictures of the dog outnumbers the number of pictures of the guy . Also , a lot of pictures are of the guys taking pictures of themselves in the mirror with their cell phone . . . sometimes they are flexing their muscles , sometimes just trying to look normal . Many of them post pictures of places and things . . . beaches , homes , places they 've been , their car , etc . . . just the places , not them in them . Isn 't the whole point to see what they look like and not the surroundings ? I just don 't get it . Some of them even talk about the fact that they like to have sex on a regular basis . Okay , that rates pretty high on the ick scale , too . Sorry , but I don 't even want to think about sex with a guy until I get to know him ! Maybe they 're just looking for someone to jump in the sack with them right away . I 'm sure there are other women out there who want that . I guess . Meanwhile , I 'm still not sure P gets the message that I 'm cooling things off . He still calls me " sweetie " on the phone , although we are talking much less often . Also , we have not made any plans to see each other again anytime soon . I guess I 'll just have to take it as it comes and see what happens . E and e with Santa ! So I had a conversation with P the other day . He called when he got home and I said that I didn 't think the weekend went very well . Oooooh ? He says . I told him that I thought he was bored the whole weekend and that I felt like I was being criticized . He said that he is often sarcastic and that maybe that comes off as being critical . . . I thought it was more than that . Anyway , he totally didn 't get it . I still think I need someone who is going to be a little more active . It 's kind of nice that he is so far away . . . that way I can just kind of move forward and if I meet someone in the meantime , I 'll just cross that bridge when I get to it . I 'm still convinced that he 's not the one for me , but I don 't know how to break it off . This is always the most difficult part , isn 't it ? He is a very nice man and I want to stay friends with him . . . I just don 't think there is a romantic future for us . I suppose there will be more conversations in the future when I can get more to the point . I digitized some old photos last week . I had some slides that my mom left - - I have been trying to figure out , for years , how to get a good look at them ( Mom passed away in ' 98 and Dad passed away in ' 03 when I was just 3 months pregnant with E - he never knew ) . For Christmas , P gave me a device that digitizes old slides . It was really great to see these pictures of my parents without having to hold the slides up to the light . The pictures of my parents were taken shortly after they got married . . . must have been within one to three years since my sisters are in some of them . . . . Here are some of my favorites . Mom and Dad . . . not sure if any kids have been born yet . . . I think Mom looks so elegant here with her fur collar and faux pearls ! I think my mom was in her 20s here . Thanks for all the great input on the dating and co - sleeping . When P visited this past weekend , I did my usual thing of laying down with them until they fell asleep , then I went into my room with P and locked the door . I left the kids with the understanding that if the door is closed , they cannot come in . They did great . But I was still getting a little bit of a hard time from P . . . So , the dating . . . first of all , P arrived last Thursday and did not say how long we was going to stay . . . I just think that needs to be defined ahead of time . I didn 't have anything planned for us for the weekend , except a party at a neighbor 's house New Year 's eve . The rest of the weekend , I was just going to play it by ear and enjoy some time at home with the kids and P . So , Friday morning we get up , I make a cake , I make another dessert , I make a cheese ball for the party , I make dinner , I empty the dishwasher , clean the dishes , clean up the kitchen , pick things up around the house , then I go outside to put the jumpy inflatable thing up for the kids to burn off some energy ( it 's big and heavy , but I often do it by myself ) , stack the wood that had blown over in a storm earlier in the week , put the jumpy thing away ( the girl next door helped me put it away ) and generally just keep moving , moving , moving , getting things done . What did P do ? He sat on the couch the whole day . Never once asked if he could help . . . Okay , I didn 't ask him to help , either , but I have also made it fairly clear to him that I really DON ' T ask for help . . . that doesn 't mean he shouldn 't offer ! The next day was a lot of the same . . . when it came to dinner , I cooked up something nice , set the table , got everything on it , etc . When we were done , I cleared the table , did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen . What did he do ? Well he stood next to me and offered to put the dishes in the dishwasher . . . I have to say , it 's just as easy for me to put the dishes inside the dishwasher as it is for me to hand them to him right next to me . I guess the point is that he tried to help . . . Posted by |
Hard to believe that we are coming into the last month of the year , and then it will be 2015 . This has been one of the fastest of years for me , and maybe for some of you as well . There are always some people who like to talk about " time machines " when we actually live on one . . . the Earth . It seems like 2014 just got started and now it is one month from ending . Anyway , on to the blog . . . Not much happened today , as we mostly stayed home . I did get up early and went for a bike ride ; one of the smoothest of rides I 've been able to enjoy . Not many folks out and the weather was reasonable , though a little breezy . I got back home and the girls were up and watching cartoons with Jason , and when I went up stairs I found Linda still in bed , not feeling too well . I 'm hoping that it is a matter of her eating some things she shouldn 't have eaten . She has been on a very healthy kind of diet for a few months now and I think her body just didn 't like getting some of the restaurant food we have eaten in the past few days . She spent most of the day just laying down or sitting on the couch , watching the Hallmark channel . Because of how the day progressed early on we decided not to go to church , as it would have been a crazy rush to attempt to get there . Instead , I took a more relaxed approach with the girls and we went to Buddy Todd park . This is where Jason would take Gracie for her training , and the girls are familiar with the park . It is one of their favorite , and I didn 't mind . To go out to the park ; give the girls enough time to play ; stop to eat lunch ; and , the drive back to the house , we spent about four hours . This time is significant as it provided both Linda and Jason some time to just relax . After getting back to the house the girls took a little nap , and that allowed me some time to get busy with our family Christmas Letter . We haven 't sent one out in a couple of years , so we want to have a nice letter to share with everyone . I should be able to get it done by Tuesday , this week at the latest . Tomorrow is the beginning of the new month and new week , and it is getting back to our regular routine , as much as possible . The girls will be going to school tomorrow and I have a few errands to get done . Of course I am also aware that things could change so I 'm ready for that as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies for not posting yesterday , but I was unable to get to my laptop to do so , and bottom line is that it was my own fault . I guess I probably could have gotten to my laptop , as it was in Jason 's room , right next door . I just didn 't want to bother him since we had said good night more than an hour before and I thought that he might be asleep , and I didn 't want to wake him . So , anyway , I am now posting , and bringing you all up - to - speed on what happened yesterday . . . and today . Yesterday we began with a very nice breakfast with David and Miriam , and their two sons Dylan and Ethan , our grandsons . It was obvious that Jason was uncomfortable , and that perhaps the previous day was a little more than Jason should have done . We had planned on going to the car show until we all began talking about everything and David suggested that we should really just get back home , to let Jason get back down , and we all agreed that was the best course of action . We all went back to the hotel ( including David and his family ) and explained to the manager what was going on , and that we needed to check out . The manager , Steven , was very understanding and refunded us the cost of the two rooms , and the best part is that the price was reduced and not supposed to be refundable . The hotel is the Luxe City Center hotel , and it is very close to the Staples Athletic Complex , I bring this up , just so you 'll know where we were staying ( more about that later ) . We packed up all our stuff , and David and his family went back to their home . About 10 minutes later we went down to the new Van and wanted to load it up ; and ran into some challenges getting into the van ( the lift mechanism started to act funny ) . I finally called Terry of the Ability Center , where the lift system had been installed , and he talked me through getting the lift to work . That took an extra hour or so , but I thought we were moving again . We still needed to get the van loaded , and to do this I needed to pull it away from the wall so that the doors would open . Now I couldn 't get it out of park ! Again I called Terry and we went over a few things and he said he was going to get a technician to come out and see what was going on . We went back in to the hotel and I went over to speak with Steve , the manager , again . I asked if we could get back up to the room Jason had been staying in so that he could get out of the wheelchair and lay back down . It was still relatively early , and the hope was that the rooms had not already been cleaned by the housekeeping staff . We were in luck , all that had been done was the bed had been done and Steve said we could go up . The Ability Center technician , Robert , showed up and worked on the van for about two hours . He got on the phone with Terry and explained what was going on and it was determined that we should not be driving the van back home . Terry would come up the next morning , with another vehicle for us to use , and he would drive the van back down . Robert was able to jury - rig a set - up that allowed the van to get out of park , and that way Terry would be able to drive it back down . Terry said we should just spend the night and he would cover the costs . He just didn 't feel it was safe enough to have us head back down , with the van acting this way . I went back in , and again spoke with Steve ( fortunately he was still at the hotel , as it was now close to shift change ) . He let us go back to the same rooms , so Jason was able to just stay down , and that was a good thing . That night Linda and I had one of the worst sleeps we have ever had . Because of a big game at Staples , AND Fleetwood Mac was playing across the street there was a major crowd in the area and there was lots of noise . The night club , right below our room , had a giant sound system going and the guy running it loved his bass . We were getting pounded for hours , and didn 't get a reprieve until almost 02 : 00 this morning . We had both called down a couple of times and there really wasn 't much the staff could do , or wanted to do . Once it was quite though it was much easier to sleep soundly . In the morning we went to breakfast and Terry , amazingly , showed up as soon as we were done . We didn 't have to wonder where he was or anything , as he showed up when he said he would - and that was a drive up from San Diego ( about 130 miles ) . We went back to the hotel , across the street , and Terry paid the bill . He and I went to the van and spent about 10 minutes going over it and confirming that we still needed to take the other vehicle back down , and he would drive the Ford . Terry said that because of the complexities of the new lift , and the hand controls that Jason requires there are three or four interlock safety systems , and they all have to be set for the vehicle to operate . He felt that there was something wrong with one of the solenoids , and that was something that had to be addressed back at the shop . The drive back down was relatively easy , though some spots had some heavy traffic . We made it back down close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) , and got settled back in to the house . Jason wanted a shower and then the girls were picked up . As soon as they came walking into the house it was as if nothing had happened , and we were back to our normal routine . Funny how life goes that way . We will be going to church in the morning , and the girls will be going to their Sunday School ( they love their Sunday School ) . We don 't have anything else planned for the day , so we 'll probably focus on clean up and putting things away , and more importantly , relaxing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Today is a day that you 're supposed to reflect back on the past year ( and maybe farther ) and think about what it is you 're grateful for , and I can honestly say there are many , many things I am grateful for . On the top of that list is my wife and family . I wouldn 't be anything without them . We have had our challenges and some of those have been great , indeed , however the blessings continue to out shine and support where ever and whenever I need it . We had a great Thanksgiving with our son David , and his family , and it was over at his mother - in - law 's home , along with Miriam 's mother , brother and sister . There were others there as well , close friends and some new ones who all made it that much better . Jason was also able to enjoy the visit as we put together a means for him to get into the house ( there are steps all around the house ) , and he was able to just roll on in , with a little help from David . The drive down this morning was one of the easiest drives I 've ever done , between San Diego and Los Angeles , and I 've done several . We even stopped along the way and had breakfast with Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , and that made the start of Thanksgiving all the more special . It was great seeing them and getting a chance to sit down and have a conversation with them . It is another thing I am grateful for , having great parents we can always call on . I got to speak with our other son George , who had to work today , as he works retail . He was still able to enjoy the blessings of the day , in his own way and was happy . I didn 't get in touch with Sean , our youngest son , though messages were left . Sean also works retail and no doubt worked today , and I hope he had a great Thanksgiving . The other person I was able to speak with was my brother Bruce , he was enjoying his Thanksgiving with Sharron , his wife , back in West Virginia . He sounded good and we had a great conversation . There are plenty of things to be thankful for , and I 'm happy about that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice crazy kind ' a day , where we got up early and played around with the girls for awhile and then we all got ready to go have a family picture taken , for Christmas Cards ( we hope to send some out this year ) . Everything was going great until we attempted to get into the van - the new van . I had extended the lift , and since there really wasn 't any easy place to do it , I extended it over the curb , across a small section of grass . No problem so far . . . Everyone got into the van , and then I went to stow the lift and that 's where the challenge came in . With the extra weight of everyone in the van , plus the weight of the power chair it apparently lowered the van enough that the ramp would not move from the down position . That is , it would not retract . I attempted to get enough leverage to " lift " the van a little and get the ramp moving , but apparently it was too late . The ramp was down too far . Fortunately , our neighbor , Paris ( also a Marine ) , had just gotten home from his shift ( possibly on his lunch break ) and I was able to ask him for some assistance . He was able to sufficiently lift the ramp and it started to move and retract . I thought it pinched his fingers some , when he did it , but he was alright and we were on our way . It did delay us about 20 minutes , but the folks at the Picture People were kind enough to save our place , and we got right in . They were pretty busy too . The shoot took place ; the girls were great ; and , we now have some very nice pictures . After that we came home and got the girls over to their mom 's place . They will be having Thanksgiving with her this year , and so they won 't be heading up to Los Angeles with us . Jason was able to get back down on the bed and relaxed and Linda and I went to a movie ( we needed some time for just the two of us - it wasn 't much , but it was a nice break ) . We say the new Hunger Games movie , and I have to admit I was pretty ignorant of the story line . Linda , on the other hand knew what was going on , and filled me in , whenever I had a question . The movie jumped a bit for me , but I think that was because of my lack of knowledge . Still , it was enjoyable . The rest of the evening was spent putting things together for our trip tomorrow , and making some updates on the various means of communication ( Face Book , email , my blog . . . ) . I also have a few pictures from the Gary Sinise Golfing event , so I 'm putting them on tonight . We will be leaving early tomorrow morning , in the hope that we can avoid some of the traffic , so please pray for us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I were invited to participate in the Gary Sinise Foundation Golf Tournament , at the Porter Valley Country Club , in Northridge . We went up a couple of days ago , with Linda and the girls , and had a great time . Jason and I were honored to have been placed to play with the foursome , including Gary Sinise , himself , as well as Billy Wagasi , a Navy Seal who is also connected with the foundation . The course was laid out nicely , and by that I mean not too many challenging hills , though there were some . Jason was able to get around in his paramobile and he was able to stay out for a full 9 - holes . The previous times we have gone out he wasn 't able to get out past the 8th hole . We got in 9 - holes and then we had lunch . Gary and Billy continued on and I got Jason back to the hotel to lay down for a little while . Afterward there was a dinner and gathering , where they awarded prizes and did some recognition , including a chance for Jason to address everyone ( they gave him the mic and he did a great job ) , there was also an auction , and I guess it went pretty well . We drove back home today , and the drive / ride was much better than the one going up . Going up to Northridge was fine , until we got to San Juan Capistrano . That is where there was some sort of residual affect of a couple of traffic accidents . The 2 1 / 2 hour drive turned into almost 5 hours and by the time we pulled into the hotel ( we stayed at the Raddison ) , Jason was feeling pretty worn out . Fortunately it was still early enough in the evening that he was able to get some rest , and we were able to get to the event in the morning . One of the nice things about this trip was that it allowed us to travel as a family in the new van that the Gary Sinise Foundation , along with the Wounded Warrior Family Support Foundation , made possible . It is a full sized van and we were able to hook up a trailer so that we could bring his paramobile along with us , and the entire family was comfortable in the van , even with the luggage . I think even Gracie was happier with this van , though she really doesn 't like riding in vehicles much , so " happier " may not be the way she would describe it . Speaking of Gracie , Jason let her run a couple of times , while out on the course , when he saw there were no other golfers ( or anybody else ) around . I would get ahead of him , 30 ror 40 meters and she would run to me and then turn back and run to him . She was very excited about that and she seemed to want to run all the time , once Jason allowed her to do it . We are now back home for a day , and then we 're going back up to be with our son David , and his family . This time we don 't have the girls with us , and we won 't be pulling a trailer . He has invited us to Thanksgiving , and we 're looking at a great couple of days to spend with them . Stacy has asked a couple of times when she will be able to go up and see her cousins , and that means we will just need to plan a trip early next year . I will be posting some pictures tomorrow , or for those that can find me on Face Book , you can see some there . I didn 't take any of those pictures , but they do include us . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . There are just far too many ways of communicating today , and then trying to tie them all together makes it even that much more difficult sometimes . I do my best to keep up on my email accounts , and occasionally put posts out on Face Book , and even get comments back . My favorite spot though is right here on my blog . Got up this morning and decided to go for another bike ride and got in a bit over 16 miles . I think I might have gone farther if I hadn 't been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to get done . That 's when riding is the most difficult . I start thinking about all the things I 'd like to get done and then I start to think about how much time I am using to ride , and it spirals down from there . The good thing though is that my rides are beginning to become more consistently over 15 miles , and I 'd like to build them up to over 20 - I just need to keep riding . We had some visitors today , Dan Figlenski and his two daughters Zoey and Faith . Unfortunately his wife , Jessica , was not able to come , so we 'll just have to wait for the next opportunity . We did get some pictures ( see below ) and I even managed to get in ( I took the picture that had Dan in it , and he took the picture with me ) . I did forget to mention yesterday that I had another surprise , and that was a call from Bob West . We hadn 't talked in over a year , and it was really good to hear his voice . He sounds like he is doing well , and we set some tentative plans to get together , as long as things don 't get too crazy and prevent it from happening . Tomorrow we 'll be heading up to North Ridge , to participate in the Gary Sinise Golf tournament , and we 're all looking forward to that . We 'll be riding up in the new van , and that will kind of be the maiden voyage for the van . From the short rides we 've taken so far it seems to ride pretty well , so I think it will be a good trip . We 'll be gone for a couple of days and we 'll have the girls with us , and that should make it all the more fun . It is a continuation of the busy month of November , and If I recall clearly , last November was a busy month as well . I guess one crazy month a year is alright , and it might as well be this one . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day began with me getting up and going for a bike ride ( 18 miles ) and then Linda coming down a short while later . Jason was kicking back as much as he can , so that the wounds get more chance to heal up ( more about that later ) , and he was ready for breakfast . Actually , before going out on my bike I fixed Jason a bowl of Cheerios ( Honey Nut ) , and then I had a bowl of them as well . I prefer to eat an apple and have a yogurt , but since we 're out of both I also had a bowl of Cheerios . The ride was probably one of the best I 've had , considering that it was still on a workday . Maybe some of the people have already taken off for Thanksgiving break or something . The number of vehicles on the road was much less than what I 'd expect and when I ended up down at the harbor I didn 't have to dodge a bunch of pedestrians . I was able to maintain a nice steady pace of about 14 mph and the ride was very enjoyable . The fact that it rained last night made it a little nicer too . The air is always so clear and clean after a rain , and it just feels good . Jason had to take care of a couple of errands , and an appointment , so he wasn 't able to stay down as much as he wanted . When he gets up it always has the potential of causing a little damage to the new skin , and today there was a little damage , rather than healing , and we don 't like that . I 'm still hopeful that there will be continued progress with this , so we will continue to push forward . One of the errands that Jason wanted to get done was to make a holiday purchase for the girls , and since we had the time we decided to go . There was also the appointment that he had to take care of , and then the final " errand " was to go pick up the new van . Yes ! The van is finally finished and we have it home now . I went with him to pick it up and we are very happy and excited with how it looks and how it works and how it rides . Now we get to use it for our up coming trip up to Los Angeles , at North Ridge . The van is a gift from the Gary Sinise Foundation and Wounded Warrior Family Support Organization , and it is going to be so much fun to finally show them , and to tell them , " Thank you ! " in person . The rest of the evening was relaxed , and focused on making sure we didn 't start any new food dishes , so that we wouldn 't have a bunch of left overs . We 're not going to be home much the rest of this week and we don 't want the food to just go bad . Anyway , we 're going to be headed out , one more time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up and went for a bike ride . It was nice out , though a little cooler than normal ( probably down to the low 50 's or something ) . All it did was cause me to decide to put on a t - shirt underneath my otherwise single layered top . After I was out on the street , Linda was up and exercising too , and Jason was playing his video games , and enjoying himself . Of course , before I left he made sure to let me know that he had an appointment , so that I wouldn 't go for one of my longer rides . I got back and chalked up a 13 . 5 mile ride - took me an hour to do , so I didn 't think that was too bad . I had to deal with some commute traffic and a few stop lights . Linda was just finishing her work out and Jason was ready to get his shower in , so that we could get going to his appointment . The appointment was with the urology doctor at the VA . We managed to get in and get seen in a short period of time , and that was a very good thing . I went in with Jason and the doctor 's name was . . . ( are you ready ) . . . Jason , Dr . Jason Woo . Seemed like a very nice and intelligent kind of guy and I could tell that he had a great deal of respect for Jason . They talked about what Jason wanted to have done , and it was determined that Jason would continue to see the folks at Balboa , at least for now . We finished up and headed back to the house , and about an hour after leaving the house we returned . I was totally impressed with how fast it went . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed and not really a great deal of things to be done . Of course we had a friend coming over this afternoon - Chris Greenlaw ( see photo below ) . Before Chris got here there were a couple of other things we needed to take care of . Linda was going to a meeting with Joselyn and I had an appointment with the VA , for the Caregivers , up in Oceanside . Linda took off for her meeting and I took off for mine a little while later . When I arrived at the VA , in Oceanside , I asked where the meeting was , so I walked over to conference room A . There was a nice little sign on the door - " Sorry , the meeting is cancelled - Rescheduled to December 18 . " It also said there was some sort of emergency , and that they hoped we didn 't have too much inconvenience . I turned around and went back home ; heck I don 't mind driving 1 1 / 2 hours just to do nothing . When I got home there wasn 't much going on , so I went up to the computer and checked my email , and then in a few minutes Linda came walking through the door with Chris . It has been months since we 've had a chance to see her , and on top of that she was bringing a gift from a mutual friend . Okada - san , a fellow Boy Scouter , only in Japan , had sent over a nice gift for me , so that was pretty cool . We all had a great time visiting and catching up on what they 're doing , as well as telling her what we 're doing . Finally we went to dinner and then Chris had to get going . She was down visiting her son , Craig , and his family , and we 'd already kept her out later than we should have , but it was so good to see her . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . You know , sometimes things get going so fast that I loose track of the days , and suddenly the week is gone . Like today , I had to look at a calendar three times before I accepted the fact that it was Wednesday . On top of that we 're headed back up to Los Angeles ( up by North Ridge ) again , to be a part of a golf tournament , and then later in the week we are going to be going to our son David 's mother - in - law 's place to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner . I think that will be the last of the trips to Los Angeles , at least for a little while . One of the things that make this next trip kind of special is that we are going to be heading up there in Jason 's new van - it looks like it is finally going to be completed . There were appointments today , at Balboa , and then Tae ( her actual name is Octavia , we just know her as Tae ) Harris took us to lunch . Basically , she wanted to catch up with the two of us and to talk about the Wounded Warrior Med Conference coming up on December 4 . Jason , Linda and I have been asked to speak , along with one other Wounded Warrior . It should be fun and the support it generates for other patients is going to be truly valuable . Most of the folks at the conference will be in the medical field , and we hope others attend as well . Linda and Tae will be going to lunch separately , and I think they 're both looking at it as a " girls afternoon out . " Jason and I went over to the Ability Center , to check out the progress on his new van , and they are just about finished with it . Being able to finally pick up the van is going to be wonderful , and besides I think the folks back at the Wounded Warrior Battalion would like to get their Semper Fi Van back . We 've had that van for the better part of three years and we have put most of the miles on the van . Linda and I finally went to see a movie - Interstellar - and we both thought it was good , but not a great movie . It presented some interesting ideas - that I hope never come to pass - and the special affects were very good . It also had some big names in the movie , and I think I 'll stop at this point , to make sure I don 't spoil it for anyone who might want to see it . After the movie we went over to Costco and picked up a few things , and then came home . The rest of the evening was basically just relaxed , and doing nothing . I promised some pictures from the past couple of days , so here it is . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A big portion of the day , today , was spent driving . Funny thing is , as we were driving we were having one of the best " family " discussions we have had in a long time . Jason was very engaged with the talk , and at times it was mostly between Jason and Linda . It was a time for all of us to just talk about anything that was on our mind , and not focused on anything in particular . We were in the van for nearly five hours today , so that 's why we had so much time . The reason we were in the car for so much time was because we first drove up to the Gary Sinise Foundation , and then after that visit we drove back down here to San Diego . . . and like I said , it was about five hours total as traffic really wasn 't too bad , though it did slow up in a couple places . We had a great visit with the Gary Sinise Foundation , and it was fun to get a chance to see the new facilities . I guess they 've been there for a few months now , and we didn 't ever make it up to their previous facility , but that 's okay , we know where they are now . I guess the biggest surprise was that we were able to meet with Gary Sinise , himself , while we were there . We didn 't know he was going to be there when we scheduled the visit , so that just made it that much better . Gary took us into his office and we sat down for about 30 minutes or more and just talked in a relaxed environment . We learned a little more about his family history and he got to learn a little more about ours . About the only thing that we didn 't do was to take pictures . It was one of those times when we simply enjoyed being with the people and taking a picture didn 't pop into my head until we had already left . Stephanie Lanier , from the Foundation , took us to lunch , along with another of their team ( I 'm embarrassed to admit I don 't remember her name - I 'm really bad about names ) . The lunch was very nice and also relaxed . It was fun just sitting around and talking and finding out some of the future plans that they 're thinking about and they continue to amaze us with all the focus they are able to show us , as well as all the others they are helping . The Foundation is growing more and more every day , and they find new ways of helping people all the time . The drive home was really uneventful , and that 's the way I like it . There was traffic the entire way , though our speed was generally pretty close to the limit most of the time , or maybe a little over . I will be posting some of the pictures , once we have a chance to sit down and pick out some good ones we want to share . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was really a fun day for us , as we were guests of Joe Mantegna , as he directed a segment of the TV Series , Criminal Minds in Los Angeles at the National Cemetery , and also over at the VA Homeless campus . We were able to take a number of pictures and got to meet and get to know a little , some of the other actors , as well as some of the guests . Two of the guests were Marine Generals ( ret . ) and one of the original Tuskegee Airmen ( 96 year young retired Lt . Col . Robert " Bob " Friend ) , and two of his daughters . Actually , Bob was quite a kick - when we told him we had been speaking with his daughters he said he didn 't believe it . " Nobody can get a word in when they 're talking . All you can do is listen . " His two daughters , Sherrie and Karen were both very focused on keeping him comfortable and dotted over their father very well . We exchanged contact information and hope to be able to stay in touch . They were also taken with Jason , as were several of the other people there . I can only tell you this , the episode was about a funeral and I don 't know when this particular episode is going to air . Also , for those wondering . . . No , we were not a part of the episode , we were just there to observe , and to relax . The crew there was excellent and professional and didn 't seem to mind us being around , because I know we must have gotten in the way , yet they were polite and patient with us . If any of you get a chance to go watch the making of a show , please take advantage , it is fun and interesting . Oh , and one last thing . . . Linda sat down with some of the crew and listened in on head phones , during a part of it . She was very excited about that . We started off by taking the girls to church with us , and had an enjoyable start to the day . I know this may sound a little corny , but there was a problem with the churches projection system . They use this to project the hymns on the wall , so that people can sing along during the songs . Well , Pastor John announced we would have to resort back to the old fashioned method of actually using the hymnals in the pews . Heck , I kind of liked doing that , and who knows maybe it will happen again . Anyway , we knew we were going to be heading up to Los Angeles shortly after church so we came back to the house right after services . We took the girls over to their mother 's home , after providing them their lunch ( our 's too ) , and then finished packing . We decided to come up in the van because we thought the trip up was going to be rough with bad traffic , and it wasn 't . We just hope the ride home is as good as the one coming up . We found our hotel , the Royal Palace , and checked in before 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) , and found the place to be much better on the inside than we expected . Jason has his own room and is quite happy being down the hall from us . Actually this is good as it gives him a little more independence , and I am all for him getting more independence . Because of the time that we came to the hotel , it afforded us the opportunity to get a little rest , before we went out to dinner . Since the day before was our anniversary , we decided to let yesterday 's dinner count as our Anniversary Dinner . . . Then , when we sat down Jason announced that he was paying for it . That kind of surprised us , and it made it all the better . Our meal was very nice and when we got back to the hotel we were able to relax and sleep very well , as we just felt very relaxed ( I wasn 't going to let that wifi thing bother me ) . The end of a nice day . This morning we were hoping to find some time to get to visit with David and his family while we were here , but it just wasn 't to be this trip . Besides we will be visiting with them over Thanksgiving , and that will be a more relaxed time , and we won 't have to drive clear across town ( Los Angeles is a very large city and David and Miriam live way over across on the other side . What happened was that David surprised us and came to the hotel , right after we got back from Criminal Minds filming . He was doing some work over at UCLA for the law firm , and since he was in the area he was able to come for a short visit . It was really nice to see him , and it gave him and Jason a chance to talk a little and do some catching up . We were also hoping to get up to see the Gary Sinise Foundation offices , and stop in and visit with some of those folks . As it turns out , we are going to be visiting them tomorrow , just prior to heading back to San Diego . They are only about 30 minutes from here , so it won 't be much of a change to our trip plans , and it will be good to see them again . So far , this has been a very good trip , and we are having a nice and relaxed time together . We had a nice Chinese dinner tonight ( haven 't had Chinese food in a long time ) and we 're going to be able to get another relaxed sleep . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is our anniversary ! Linda and I have been married 39 years , and though there have been some serious challenges we 've managed to stay together , with each day life gets a little better . We really didn 't do much to celebrate our anniversary , today , we did celebrate it a few days ago , when we went up to Julian . We enjoyed the time away from San Diego , and the low pressure days of Julian . It is one of the most laid back little towns I think I have ever come across . Linda had a great time , and so did I . . . we even had some great apple pie ( for those that don 't know , Julian is famous for its apple pie and their Julian apples ) . Today was relaxed and it gave Linda and I a little time to get things together , ahead of our next trip out . We will be going to church in the morning , and then loading up and heading back up to Los Angeles . This time we are going to be watching the filming of an episode of Criminal Minds , as our friend Joe Mantegna will be staring in and directing . He invited us to come up , for about 3 - years now , so we are now finally going . We plan on staying a couple of nights , and that should allow us the opportunity to see David and his family , at least for a little while . Linda did take off to get some shopping in , and she said it was crazy out there . People are already getting into the Christmas shopping crazies mode , and it does cause me some concern with the coming weeks . Also , Linda made French Toast this morning , so I felt that it was my obligation to at least help out some and eat the French Toast . . . Hey , somebody 's got ' a do it . . . ; - ) . The girls both liked the breakfast treat also . Jason took off early to take Gracie to her dog training classes . He drove himself up and back and said the people on the roads were nuts . There was a small fender - bender on the side of the road , and it looked like everyone was slowing down to take a look . This is probably the single more irritating thing for Jason , and with heavy traffic it just makes it that much more irritating . Anyway , he was able to get up and back without a problem , other than the traffic . Tonight the girls were feeling full of energy and having a great time , before , during and after dinner . Both of them are becoming creative , and it is good to see Jackie starting to become more independent . It is so much fun watching the girls grow up , so we feel we 've been given a special gift . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had some visitors today - Linda 's Mom and Dad came down and they brought along Lisa and Michael . . . Linda 's sister and brother - in - law . We hadn 't seen them in quite some time , and it was good to be able to get together , for at least a little while . This was their first visit to see Jason , also , so it was a positive all the way around . They arrived mid - morning an we all went to breakfast . That gave us a chance to sit down and do some initial catching up ; then we came back to the house for a short break and then Linda and Lisa went over to the school to pick up the girls ( they got out at noon today ) . Fortunately they didn 't have to leave right away , and that gave us a little more time to visit and catch up some more . They are down , from Utah , to visit with Joe and Jess , Linda 's ( and Lisa 's ) parents , and will be visiting for a few days . It was good to see them , and I think it was a wonderful gift for Linda , as she really does miss her family , We got a few pictures and I will see if I can get a couple posted by tomorrow . The rest of the day was just spent taking care of a few things around the house and Linda going off to do a little shopping . She was back at the house before it got dark , and we didn 't have to go anywhere else for the rest of the day . Tomorrow is our 39th anniversary , and we kind of already celebrated it up in Julian . That 's okay , because we 'll still have a good day , and a good time tomorrow . She committed to be getting up in the morning and fixing French Toast and a nice breakfast . . . I 'm looking forward to it , for sure ! Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We went to Pepperdine University , yesterday for a Veterans recognition dinner event , and then today we went to a Blue Star Plaque unveiling at Miramar National Cemetery . At both events we were allotted the honor of meeting new and interesting people , as well as the opportunity to help shine the light more on the men and women of the military , and those that serve our country . The two events were about 140 miles apart , so we had to do a bunch of driving , and Jason demonstrated that he is , in fact getting stronger , and showed that he was able to deal with it . Don 't get me wrong , he was uncomfortable at times , and he was worn out at the end of the day , yet he had a great time and his wounds are still making progress . Linda and I enjoy doing these things with Jason , as it helps him to get in front of other veterans , and even sometimes in front of Boy Scouts ( like today ) to show what an Eagle Scout can become and over come ( Jason is an Eagle Scout also ) . We still have a couple more events this month , and also we will be headed to our son , David 's place for Thanksgiving . Then in December we have one event to be a part of , and that is a medical conference . That one , I think , is going to be exciting in that we are going to be discussing the healing process , and just what we have gone through , to help them develop new programs to help others , coming behind us . Otherwise , everyone is doing well , and enjoying as much of life as we possibly can . I was taking a look at some of the statistics provided about this blog , and there have been nearly 195 , 000 page views since it began , back in 2011 . I would never have thought that it would have gotten that much interest , yet there are the numbers . I thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . I hope that this continues to be enjoyable for everyone . Take care and stay positive . Happy Veterans Day to you , one and all . It is something that all veterans think about , though some do more than others . What I hope , is that people will think about is being offered by these men and women who serve , and do it because they believe it is what is needed , and asked of them . My dad was a WWII veteran of the Navy . . . I am a veteran of the Viet Nam era Air Force . . . and Jason is a U . S . Marine , of the Afghanistan era force . I have other family members who have served , far too many to list here , though I can provide them with a little recognition . To all those who serve and served - Thank you , we as a country owe you a great deal . Today we took the girls to the zoo and had a great time . Jackie is still very much a typical four year old , and after a few hours ran out of energy . Actually , her timing was pretty good as I don 't think we could have taken the crowds much longer anyway . The zoo was pretty busy , and we enjoyed every minute of it . When we first got there we went over to the bus tour and there was a woman at the entrance . I don 't think she was actually working the entrance spot , but I thought I recognized her . I asked how long she had been working at the zoo , and since she replied many years I asked if she new David ( our son ) , and she did . David worked at the zoo as a tour bus driver while he attended UCSD . It amazes me how much of a positive impact he had on those who got to work with him . We talked for a few minutes , and then got on the bus . We stayed at the zoo for a few hours and even got to see the tiger , as he was feeling playful , so that was pretty cool . The girls thought it was exciting also . I am so glad that we were able to get those memberships at the first of the year . . . well spent money by Jason . We came back to the house and shortly after getting home the girls took a nap - I had a few too many things to do , otherwise I would have taken a nap as well . The rest of the day was spent catching up on my email , and other things , and making sure we are ready to head up to Pepperdine University tomorrow . The Gary Sinise Foundation has invited us to come have a dinner with them , and to see what is going on , at Pepperdine . Tomorrow we basically just get up and pack , and do our best to get ready to get going . Thank you , for all your continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very nice day , and a nice follow up to yesterday . Both days we focused on getting a few things done around the house and doing some basic straightening up , and just relaxing . I did get to see the 49er game , against the Saints , and that was generally a good game , with the first half going to the Niners and the second half going to the Saints . Problem for the Saints was that the Niners did just enough to get it to overtime , and then they won the game . They have a history of winning overtime games . This time of year there is a great deal more activities going on , and we get invited to participate in more functions . This is good , as it keeps us busy , and it also has its challenges since we have to still take care of other things as well , and maintain a calendar so that we don 't double book on things , nor do we over do it for Jason and mess up with his healing . We 've been invited to a couple of dinners , and also to a golfing event , fortunately all the events are relatively close by , so we don 't have to do any significant traveling . We also found out today that Jason 's house is making some progress in the planning and permitting stages . It looks like we should be ground breaking sometime around the end of January , so that will be a great event , and you can be sure I 'll be taking pictures . Between now and then there are two other things going on , and those are Thanksgiving and Christmas ( Well , New Year Day is pretty big too , I guess - I plan on relaxing ) . Thanksgiving we will be going up to our son 's for a big gathering , and then Christmas will be spent here - or at least that is the plan right now . Helping to make that a more comfortable time I also found out that the new van SHOULD be ready before Thanksgiving . If it is , travel will be much more comfortable for us . We 'll just need to get a trailer to haul around Jason 's Paramobile ( it will fit in the truck , but will have to be in a trailer for the van ) . I have mentioned in the past that Linda and I have lost a little weight , and when we went up to Julian we seemed to have found some of it - or at least I did . I 've started riding again , and hope to loose it all again , and another 5 pounds before Thanksgiving . My biggest challenge is I love to snack , and snack food usually has high levels of sodium . I am so proud of Linda and her determination , it helps me to maintain my focus also . Tomorrow , since we have the girls again , we will be going to the zoo . The girls don 't have school , and Linda and I want to get over there again . I don 't think Jason is going to want to go this time , and that 's okay . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I began the day with a nice bike ride of 19 miles , and it was just what I needed to get the legs loosened up . All the hiking we did up in Julian caused me to have stiff calf muscles and after the bike ride I actually felt pretty good . Funny thing though , there apparently was an event going on this morning , down on the harbor area , and that is part of where I rode . It was quite busy with people and bicycles all over the place , and I was constantly yelling out , " On your left ! " and sometimes , " On your right ! " Depending on where they were . Some of them even thanked me , and that 's a good thing . After the ride I came back to the house , and Linda was up and ready to head off to her Blue Star Mom meeting . She slept in a little , as she started the day off a little on the shaky side . I guess the extra napping helped , she seemed to feel much better when I got back , and she was leaving . Linda was gone for most of the day , taking care of errands and personal business . Jason and I had a few chores to do , and we had some running around to get taken care of , and then we came back to the house . He had been preparing some chicken so he could cook it today , and he did . I 'm not really sure what to call it , other than pieces of chicken . They were a little on the spicy side , but not too much ; and , the marination process he used seemed to really keep them moist . Once he was done cooking , he and I had a bunch of them . I thought they were the best chicken nuggets I have ever had , and they were also the biggest . Jason said he would probably do it again sometime , and I am very much supportive of that idea . The evening came along with a nice dinner . We were invited to the Nice Guys annual Nice Guy of The Year dinner . It is a formal affair and everybody that came was dressed very nicely . Even Jason had on his tux . . . and he looked pretty sharp . The event was to honor T . Denny Sanford , as he has given away over a billion dollars to hospitals and other charity functions . He owns a couple of companies , and they are doing quite well , so his stated goal of being broke when he dies is going to be a challenge , and he seems to enjoy that challenge . It was the first Nice Guys major event , for us and it was quite nice . Perhaps we will be invited again next year - and then they can have a second chance of saying Jason 's name correctly . He was introduced as John Ross , and we had a nice laugh over that . We didn 't stay past 21 : 30 ( 9 : 30pm ) , as Jason wanted to get back out of the chair , and on top of that I was getting tired . We came home and I changed his wound dressings . I am very pleased with how this new seat cushion really seems to be helping out . I just hope it continues . Not sure what we will be doing tomorrow , so my guess would be to suggest we 're not going to be doing much of anything . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The mini - vacation / break was excellent , though we would have liked to have had another day ( or two ) . We went up to Julian , expecting to get some relaxation time , and ended up having a great time and meeting some wonderful people . We stayed at the Orchard Inn , and it has all the amenities that we could ask for , as well as being nestled in some of the prettiest wooded area around . Yesterday , after we got up , Linda wanted to go exploring and do a little hiking . There were some trails right out front , so those were the first we explored . They really didn 't go too far up the hill , and showed signs of neglect , and we found out later that the neglect was intentional . Apparently , over the past several years , guests had gone up the trails and a couple of them actually got lost . Because this happened a couple of times it was decided to just let the tails go back to nature and discourage guests from going up that way . Instead we found out about another trail that was a couple of miles away , and it was part of a park system trail . It was also " supposed " to be a 4 . 5 mile loop . I put it in quotes because the trail really isn 't marked out too well , and there are no maps of the area . Linda and I ended up going nearly 9 . 5 miles on some hilly terrain , and we had a great time . What we did was to hike up to the highest point and go down the other side , and after about a mile we turned around and went back up to the top again , and just followed the trail back to the trail head where we started . By the time we were done it was late afternoon , and both of us were tired . Once back at the Inn we went to our room and showered and laid down for a short nap . Dinner was at 18 : 15 ( 6 : 15 pm ) , and there was a little reception time prior to the dinner . That 's were we got to meet some very nice people , and in the process of having dinner , an anonymous diner bought us a nice bottle of wine . They had heard us talking about Jason and wanted to do something for us . We found out who it was , later and went and thanked them , and let them know we appreciated their thoughtfulness . Needless to say , we slept well that night - physically worn down and an extra bottle of wine , a good combination , especially since we didn 't have to drive anywhere . The next morning ( this morning ) we saw several of those same people and sort of had a reunion . We checked out of the Inn and then went down town to do a little walking around - no we hadn 't had enough walking and hiking . Julian has a bunch of great things to see and a very colorful history to explore . We went into several shops and in to their museum . I 'm pretty sure we 'll go back again , I just don 't know when right now . While we were off at Julian , Jason was here being taken care of by Joselyn . She is a God Send and Jason likes her too . While up in Julian we didn 't have much in the way of phone signal , so there were no phone calls ( and that is a good thing ) , so we just trusted Joselyn and Jason to take care of everything , as it was supposed to be . . . and it was . Jason was in very good spirits and a positive mood when we came home , so no matter how you look at it , these past few days was a complete and total success . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different , in that we had a visit from Brian , from the VA , who was here to evaluate me , the environment , Jason and even Linda , to make sure he was in fact getting good care and that we should be a part of their program . I know it sounds kind of strange , considering how long I have been taking care of Jason , but it is a process that is required , and besides , Brian was a great guy to talk with , and he had lots of great information for us . He is also still an active reservist so there is that military connection and I think Jason liked that . When he initially got there he said it was going to be a 2 - hour visit / evaluation , but he and Jason were having such a good time it went to almost 3 - hours , and that made him late for his next appointment . Otherwise , we passed just fine . After Brian left Linda and I went into overdrive to get everything packed up and still get Jason fed , as we were leaving for Julian ( that 's where we are right now - Linda is enjoying a hot bath for a change ) just as soon as we could get everything packed and in the car . We left at almost exactly 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) and headed East and then North . It didn 't take very long to get to the Inn , and it is great . The get away is a gift from the EOD Warrior Foundation , and it is much appreciated by both of us , and I think Jason , too . Linda and I walked a little bit , around the town and had a nice simple dinner . We also got to know the Inn person ( not sure what her official title is ) who checked us in . She talked with us for about an hour and we were the only ones taking advantage of their evening snacks . Linda and I also sat out on the patio for a little while and enjoyed just watching the stars , as the atmosphere is wonderfully clear us here ( I think we 're sitting at about 4200 feet ) . There are a bunch of historical things to look at and we plan to do that tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Happy Election Day ! Linda and I are fully registered to vote in San Diego now , though it almost feels like we 're cheating and should be staying linked to the SF Bay Area . I really didn 't see any surprises in the general election , and wished I could have exercised my right to vote . Yeah , we registered , but could not find the time to go vote today . I guess it was related to all the things we have going , and the lack of time to fully understand the different issues on the ballot , as well as not knowing the candidates well enough to cast a vote , one way or another . I promise , with the next election we will be getting to our polling place . Jason had a couple of appointments today . One with the folks at Balboa and one with those at the VA . Balboa was with physical therapy and the VA was with his recovery coordinator . Both of them went well , and neither of them went over their scheduled amount of time . I was with Jason , as I had a couple of questions for the VA , and Jason and I were back home by noon . About the most unusual thing to happen was that we went in his truck , and therefore the valet guys were not able to drive his truck . They did , however , help find a parking place , and that was helpful . The rest of the day was spent getting ready for tomorrow , including getting the care cleaned . I took the Fusion to the car wash , and now it looks all nice and pretty , for our get - away . There were some regular chores and errands that had to be taken care of , as well as getting some stuff done otherwise . Joselyn is going to be helping Jason , while we 're gone , so she came to the house today to make sure she knew what all she was to do , and it was good to see her again , anyway . I may not do much blogging for the next few days , so I hope that doesn 't bother too many folks . Thank you , for continuing to be involved with my blogging , and I look forward to keeping everyone aware of what all is going on . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Tomorrow is election day , and I have to admit , I 'm not ready . I have not taken the time needed to learn who the local candidates are , and what they stand for . I also don 't have a solid grasp of all the state wide issues , or even the local ones . . . I guess that makes me pretty much a normal voter . . . ; - ) I will be doing some reading tomorrow , and see if I can figure some things out . Linda and I are now registered to vote down here , so we really should . Jason took himself to his appointment , and that was pretty cool . It gave me a little time to get a nice bike ride in , and also a little time for Linda and I to get some things together for all the different activities we 're going to be involved in this month . For instance , on Wednesday we are going to be taking off for Julian , a small town , not too far from here , where we 'll be spending a couple of days at a B & B , and just doing our best to relax . We have to come back Friday , so it won 't be too long away , and we have help coming in , Joselyn , to assist with Jason . The rest of the day was spent doing things with the girls , besides walking them to and from school . Stacy is becoming very crafty with here projects and Jackie is beginning to discover more things , other than stuffed animals . She and Stacy both love to look at books and to have us either read to them , or help them read the books to us . Not sure all the things we 'll be doing tomorrow , but I am sure that it will keep us plenty busy . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Linda and I took advantage of the time change this morning , and actually got up " early " for a change . We got up at about 07 : 00 , on a Sunday , and that is early . Of course it felt more like 08 : 00 , so that 's why I put the quotes around early . We were up and the girls were still asleep so we both decided that we could take advantage of this time and get some exercise in . This means I went for a bike ride , while Linda went to the elliptical . I managed to get in 16 + miles before going to church , and we were not late ! The rest of the day was spent taking care of some chores around the house , and I even changed out Mr . Jingles cage ( Jason 's pet rat ) . Linda swept the floor and it was amazing just how much of Gracie 's fur gathers . . . as Jason likes to say , " she is a German Shedder . " The other event that we got to do was to head over to Glen and Anne Picket 's place to visit with our cats , Candy and Pumpkin . Both of them are doing well , and growing more and more distant , the longer they live with someone else . We are thankful that Anne and her family have provided a wonderful loving environment for our cats and Linda really misses them . We are really looking forward to getting into Jason 's new home so that we bring the cats home . The other adventure was Jason 's . He went off to go shoot his new shot gun , with Anthony Netto . He said he had a great time and that the shot gun worked very well . The range master saw Jason 's gun and got very excited . He had seen pictures of the gun but had never had the opportunity to hold one , and shoot it . Jason allowed several of them to take some shots , and they all enjoyed it . It is a 15 round pump action shot gun , and looks like something out of Terminator . Fortunately , he keeps it locked up in a gun safe . Tomorrow starts a new week , and the girls are looking forward to going to school , in the morning . While they 're in school we 'll be taking care of a number of things , and begin getting ready for our 3 - day holiday to celebrate our 39th anniversary . We talked with the girls about this and Stacy wanted to know why she wasn 't going to be going with us . We just told her that it was our chance to have some vacation time , and she seemed okay with that . We have arranged for someone to be coming in to help with Jason 's and they 're already familiar with changing Jason 's dressings . We just need a break - Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a very nice day today , with the girls having fun with Grandma and taking down the Halloween decorations . Stacy went to Costco with Grandpa and we got out with spending less than $ 200 ( I figured I must have done something wrong ) . Jason spent the day down , for the most part , though he did go in to tell the girls a good - night story , and also earlier in the day he came out to the kitchen . I guess it was just one of those days where we relaxed and got ready for the time change . . . ; - ) It did rain last night , and that was unusual - unusual in that it hasn 't rained much around here so we were very happy to see it . Even tonight it looked like it might rain a little more , but that didn 't stop me from putting some salmon on the grill in the back . The girls played out there while I grilled , and the meal came out just fine . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Hard to believe that we are coming into the last month of the year , and then it will be 2015 . This has been one of the fastest of years for me , and maybe for some of you as well . There are always some people who like to talk about " time machines " when we actually live on one . . . the Earth . It seems like 2014 just got started and now it is one month from ending . Anyway , on to the blog . . . Not much happened today , as we mostly stayed home . I did get up early and went for a bike ride ; one of the smoothest of rides I 've been able to enjoy . Not many folks out and the weather was reasonable , though a little breezy . I got back home and the girls were up and watching cartoons with Jason , and when I went up stairs I found Linda still in bed , not feeling too well . I 'm hoping that it is a matter of her eating some things she shouldn 't have eaten . She has been on a very healthy kind of diet for a few months now and I think her body just didn 't like getting some of the restaurant food we have eaten in the past few days . She spent most of the day just laying down or sitting on the couch , watching the Hallmark channel . Because of how the day progressed early on we decided not to go to church , as it would have been a crazy rush to attempt to get there . Instead , I took a more relaxed approach with the girls and we went to Buddy Todd park . This is where Jason would take Gracie for her training , and the girls are familiar with the park . It is one of their favorite , and I didn 't mind . To go out to the park ; give the girls enough time to play ; stop to eat lunch ; and , the drive back to the house , we spent about four hours . This time is significant as it provided both Linda and Jason some time to just relax . After getting back to the house the girls took a little nap , and that allowed me some time to get busy with our family Christmas Letter . We haven 't sent one out in a couple of years , so we want to have a nice letter to share with everyone . I should be able to get it done by Tuesday , this week at the latest . Tomorrow is the beginning of the new month and new week , and it is getting back to our regular routine , as much as possible . The girls will be going to school tomorrow and I have a few errands to get done . Of course I am also aware that things could change so I 'm ready for that as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies for not posting yesterday , but I was unable to get to my laptop to do so , and bottom line is that it was my own fault . I guess I probably could have gotten to my laptop , as it was in Jason 's room , right next door . I just didn 't want to bother him since we had said good night more than an hour before and I thought that he might be asleep , and I didn 't want to wake him . So , anyway , I am now posting , and bringing you all up - to - speed on what happened yesterday . . . and today . Yesterday we began with a very nice breakfast with David and Miriam , and their two sons Dylan and Ethan , our grandsons . It was obvious that Jason was uncomfortable , and that perhaps the previous day was a little more than Jason should have done . We had planned on going to the car show until we all began talking about everything and David suggested that we should really just get back home , to let Jason get back down , and we all agreed that was the best course of action . We all went back to the hotel ( including David and his family ) and explained to the manager what was going on , and that we needed to check out . The manager , Steven , was very understanding and refunded us the cost of the two rooms , and the best part is that the price was reduced and not supposed to be refundable . The hotel is the Luxe City Center hotel , and it is very close to the Staples Athletic Complex , I bring this up , just so you 'll know where we were staying ( more about that later ) . We packed up all our stuff , and David and his family went back to their home . About 10 minutes later we went down to the new Van and wanted to load it up ; and ran into some challenges getting into the van ( the lift mechanism started to act funny ) . I finally called Terry of the Ability Center , where the lift system had been installed , and he talked me through getting the lift to work . That took an extra hour or so , but I thought we were moving again . We still needed to get the van loaded , and to do this I needed to pull it away from the wall so that the doors would open . Now I couldn 't get it out of park ! Again I called Terry and we went over a few things and he said he was going to get a technician to come out and see what was going on . We went back in to the hotel and I went over to speak with Steve , the manager , again . I asked if we could get back up to the room Jason had been staying in so that he could get out of the wheelchair and lay back down . It was still relatively early , and the hope was that the rooms had not already been cleaned by the housekeeping staff . We were in luck , all that had been done was the bed had been done and Steve said we could go up . The Ability Center technician , Robert , showed up and worked on the van for about two hours . He got on the phone with Terry and explained what was going on and it was determined that we should not be driving the van back home . Terry would come up the next morning , with another vehicle for us to use , and he would drive the van back down . Robert was able to jury - rig a set - up that allowed the van to get out of park , and that way Terry would be able to drive it back down . Terry said we should just spend the night and he would cover the costs . He just didn 't feel it was safe enough to have us head back down , with the van acting this way . I went back in , and again spoke with Steve ( fortunately he was still at the hotel , as it was now close to shift change ) . He let us go back to the same rooms , so Jason was able to just stay down , and that was a good thing . That night Linda and I had one of the worst sleeps we have ever had . Because of a big game at Staples , AND Fleetwood Mac was playing across the street there was a major crowd in the area and there was lots of noise . The night club , right below our room , had a giant sound system going and the guy running it loved his bass . We were getting pounded for hours , and didn 't get a reprieve until almost 02 : 00 this morning . We had both called down a couple of times and there really wasn 't much the staff could do , or wanted to do . Once it was quite though it was much easier to sleep soundly . In the morning we went to breakfast and Terry , amazingly , showed up as soon as we were done . We didn 't have to wonder where he was or anything , as he showed up when he said he would - and that was a drive up from San Diego ( about 130 miles ) . We went back to the hotel , across the street , and Terry paid the bill . He and I went to the van and spent about 10 minutes going over it and confirming that we still needed to take the other vehicle back down , and he would drive the Ford . Terry said that because of the complexities of the new lift , and the hand controls that Jason requires there are three or four interlock safety systems , and they all have to be set for the vehicle to operate . He felt that there was something wrong with one of the solenoids , and that was something that had to be addressed back at the shop . The drive back down was relatively easy , though some spots had some heavy traffic . We made it back down close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) , and got settled back in to the house . Jason wanted a shower and then the girls were picked up . As soon as they came walking into the house it was as if nothing had happened , and we were back to our normal routine . Funny how life goes that way . We will be going to church in the morning , and the girls will be going to their Sunday School ( they love their Sunday School ) . We don 't have anything else planned for the day , so we 'll probably focus on clean up and putting things away , and more importantly , relaxing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Today is a day that you 're supposed to reflect back on the past year ( and maybe farther ) and think about what it is you 're grateful for , and I can honestly say there are many , many things I am grateful for . On the top of that list is my wife and family . I wouldn 't be anything without them . We have had our challenges and some of those have been great , indeed , however the blessings continue to out shine and support where ever and whenever I need it . We had a great Thanksgiving with our son David , and his family , and it was over at his mother - in - law 's home , along with Miriam 's mother , brother and sister . There were others there as well , close friends and some new ones who all made it that much better . Jason was also able to enjoy the visit as we put together a means for him to get into the house ( there are steps all around the house ) , and he was able to just roll on in , with a little help from David . The drive down this morning was one of the easiest drives I 've ever done , between San Diego and Los Angeles , and I 've done several . We even stopped along the way and had breakfast with Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , and that made the start of Thanksgiving all the more special . It was great seeing them and getting a chance to sit down and have a conversation with them . It is another thing I am grateful for , having great parents we can always call on . I got to speak with our other son George , who had to work today , as he works retail . He was still able to enjoy the blessings of the day , in his own way and was happy . I didn 't get in touch with Sean , our youngest son , though messages were left . Sean also works retail and no doubt worked today , and I hope he had a great Thanksgiving . The other person I was able to speak with was my brother Bruce , he was enjoying his Thanksgiving with Sharron , his wife , back in West Virginia . He sounded good and we had a great conversation . There are plenty of things to be thankful for , and I 'm happy about that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice crazy kind ' a day , where we got up early and played around with the girls for awhile and then we all got ready to go have a family picture taken , for Christmas Cards ( we hope to send some out this year ) . Everything was going great until we attempted to get into the van - the new van . I had extended the lift , and since there really wasn 't any easy place to do it , I extended it over the curb , across a small section of grass . No problem so far . . . Everyone got into the van , and then I went to stow the lift and that 's where the challenge came in . With the extra weight of everyone in the van , plus the weight of the power chair it apparently lowered the van enough that the ramp would not move from the down position . That is , it would not retract . I attempted to get enough leverage to " lift " the van a little and get the ramp moving , but apparently it was too late . The ramp was down too far . Fortunately , our neighbor , Paris ( also a Marine ) , had just gotten home from his shift ( possibly on his lunch break ) and I was able to ask him for some assistance . He was able to sufficiently lift the ramp and it started to move and retract . I thought it pinched his fingers some , when he did it , but he was alright and we were on our way . It did delay us about 20 minutes , but the folks at the Picture People were kind enough to save our place , and we got right in . They were pretty busy too . The shoot took place ; the girls were great ; and , we now have some very nice pictures . After that we came home and got the girls over to their mom 's place . They will be having Thanksgiving with her this year , and so they won 't be heading up to Los Angeles with us . Jason was able to get back down on the bed and relaxed and Linda and I went to a movie ( we needed some time for just the two of us - it wasn 't much , but it was a nice break ) . We say the new Hunger Games movie , and I have to admit I was pretty ignorant of the story line . Linda , on the other hand knew what was going on , and filled me in , whenever I had a question . The movie jumped a bit for me , but I think that was because of my lack of knowledge . Still , it was enjoyable . The rest of the evening was spent putting things together for our trip tomorrow , and making some updates on the various means of communication ( Face Book , email , my blog . . . ) . I also have a few pictures from the Gary Sinise Golfing event , so I 'm putting them on tonight . We will be leaving early tomorrow morning , in the hope that we can avoid some of the traffic , so please pray for us . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayer . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I were invited to participate in the Gary Sinise Foundation Golf Tournament , at the Porter Valley Country Club , in Northridge . We went up a couple of days ago , with Linda and the girls , and had a great time . Jason and I were honored to have been placed to play with the foursome , including Gary Sinise , himself , as well as Billy Wagasi , a Navy Seal who is also connected with the foundation . The course was laid out nicely , and by that I mean not too many challenging hills , though there were some . Jason was able to get around in his paramobile and he was able to stay out for a full 9 - holes . The previous times we have gone out he wasn 't able to get out past the 8th hole . We got in 9 - holes and then we had lunch . Gary and Billy continued on and I got Jason back to the hotel to lay down for a little while . Afterward there was a dinner and gathering , where they awarded prizes and did some recognition , including a chance for Jason to address everyone ( they gave him the mic and he did a great job ) , there was also an auction , and I guess it went pretty well . We drove back home today , and the drive / ride was much better than the one going up . Going up to Northridge was fine , until we got to San Juan Capistrano . That is where there was some sort of residual affect of a couple of traffic accidents . The 2 1 / 2 hour drive turned into almost 5 hours and by the time we pulled into the hotel ( we stayed at the Raddison ) , Jason was feeling pretty worn out . Fortunately it was still early enough in the evening that he was able to get some rest , and we were able to get to the event in the morning . One of the nice things about this trip was that it allowed us to travel as a family in the new van that the Gary Sinise Foundation , along with the Wounded Warrior Family Support Foundation , made possible . It is a full sized van and we were able to hook up a trailer so that we could bring his paramobile along with us , and the entire family was comfortable in the van , even with the luggage . I think even Gracie was happier with this van , though she really doesn 't like riding in vehicles much , so " happier " may not be the way she would describe it . Speaking of Gracie , Jason let her run a couple of times , while out on the course , when he saw there were no other golfers ( or anybody else ) around . I would get ahead of him , 30 ror 40 meters and she would run to me and then turn back and run to him . She was very excited about that and she seemed to want to run all the time , once Jason allowed her to do it . We are now back home for a day , and then we 're going back up to be with our son David , and his family . This time we don 't have the girls with us , and we won 't be pulling a trailer . He has invited us to Thanksgiving , and we 're looking at a great couple of days to spend with them . Stacy has asked a couple of times when she will be able to go up and see her cousins , and that means we will just need to plan a trip early next year . I will be posting some pictures tomorrow , or for those that can find me on Face Book , you can see some there . I didn 't take any of those pictures , but they do include us . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . There are just far too many ways of communicating today , and then trying to tie them all together makes it even that much more difficult sometimes . I do my best to keep up on my email accounts , and occasionally put posts out on Face Book , and even get comments back . My favorite spot though is right here on my blog . Got up this morning and decided to go for another bike ride and got in a bit over 16 miles . I think I might have gone farther if I hadn 't been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to get done . That 's when riding is the most difficult . I start thinking about all the things I 'd like to get done and then I start to think about how much time I am using to ride , and it spirals down from there . The good thing though is that my rides are beginning to become more consistently over 15 miles , and I 'd like to build them up to over 20 - I just need to keep riding . We had some visitors today , Dan Figlenski and his two daughters Zoey and Faith . Unfortunately his wife , Jessica , was not able to come , so we 'll just have to wait for the next opportunity . We did get some pictures ( see below ) and I even managed to get in ( I took the picture that had Dan in it , and he took the picture with me ) . I did forget to mention yesterday that I had another surprise , and that was a call from Bob West . We hadn 't talked in over a year , and it was really good to hear his voice . He sounds like he is doing well , and we set some tentative plans to get together , as long as things don 't get too crazy and prevent it from happening . Tomorrow we 'll be heading up to North Ridge , to participate in the Gary Sinise Golf tournament , and we 're all looking forward to that . We 'll be riding up in the new van , and that will kind of be the maiden voyage for the van . From the short rides we 've taken so far it seems to ride pretty well , so I think it will be a good trip . We 'll be gone for a couple of days and we 'll have the girls with us , and that should make it all the more fun . It is a continuation of the busy month of November , and If I recall clearly , last November was a busy month as well . I guess one crazy month a year is alright , and it might as well be this one . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day began with me getting up and going for a bike ride ( 18 miles ) and then Linda coming down a short while later . Jason was kicking back as much as he can , so that the wounds get more chance to heal up ( more about that later ) , and he was ready for breakfast . Actually , before going out on my bike I fixed Jason a bowl of Cheerios ( Honey Nut ) , and then I had a bowl of them as well . I prefer to eat an apple and have a yogurt , but since we 're out of both I also had a bowl of Cheerios . The ride was probably one of the best I 've had , considering that it was still on a workday . Maybe some of the people have already taken off for Thanksgiving break or something . The number of vehicles on the road was much less than what I 'd expect and when I ended up down at the harbor I didn 't have to dodge a bunch of pedestrians . I was able to maintain a nice steady pace of about 14 mph and the ride was very enjoyable . The fact that it rained last night made it a little nicer too . The air is always so clear and clean after a rain , and it just feels good . Jason had to take care of a couple of errands , and an appointment , so he wasn 't able to stay down as much as he wanted . When he gets up it always has the potential of causing a little damage to the new skin , and today there was a little damage , rather than healing , and we don 't like that . I 'm still hopeful that there will be continued progress with this , so we will continue to push forward . One of the errands that Jason wanted to get done was to make a holiday purchase for the girls , and since we had the time we decided to go . There was also the appointment that he had to take care of , and then the final " errand " was to go pick up the new van . Yes ! The van is finally finished and we have it home now . I went with him to pick it up and we are very happy and excited with how it looks and how it works and how it rides . Now we get to use it for our up coming trip up to Los Angeles , at North Ridge . The van is a gift from the Gary Sinise Foundation and Wounded Warrior Family Support Organization , and it is going to be so much fun to finally show them , and to tell them , " Thank you ! " in person . The rest of the evening was relaxed , and focused on making sure we didn 't start any new food dishes , so that we wouldn 't have a bunch of left overs . We 're not going to be home much the rest of this week and we don 't want the food to just go bad . Anyway , we 're going to be headed out , one more time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I got up and went for a bike ride . It was nice out , though a little cooler than normal ( probably down to the low 50 's or something ) . All it did was cause me to decide to put on a t - shirt underneath my otherwise single layered top . After I was out on the street , Linda was up and exercising too , and Jason was playing his video games , and enjoying himself . Of course , before I left he made sure to let me know that he had an appointment , so that I wouldn 't go for one of my longer rides . I got back and chalked up a 13 . 5 mile ride - took me an hour to do , so I didn 't think that was too bad . I had to deal with some commute traffic and a few stop lights . Linda was just finishing her work out and Jason was ready to get his shower in , so that we could get going to his appointment . The appointment was with the urology doctor at the VA . We managed to get in and get seen in a short period of time , and that was a very good thing . I went in with Jason and the doctor 's name was . . . ( are you ready ) . . . Jason , Dr . Jason Woo . Seemed like a very nice and intelligent kind of guy and I could tell that he had a great deal of respect for Jason . They talked about what Jason wanted to have done , and it was determined that Jason would continue to see the folks at Balboa , at least for now . We finished up and headed back to the house , and about an hour after leaving the house we returned . I was totally impressed with how fast it went . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed and not really a great deal of things to be done . Of course we had a friend coming over this afternoon - Chris Greenlaw ( see photo below ) . Before Chris got here there were a couple of other things we needed to take care of . Linda was going to a meeting with Joselyn and I had an appointment with the VA , for the Caregivers , up in Oceanside . Linda took off for her meeting and I took off for mine a little while later . When I arrived at the VA , in Oceanside , I asked where the meeting was , so I walked over to conference room A . There was a nice little sign on the door - " Sorry , the meeting is cancelled - Rescheduled to December 18 . " It also said there was some sort of emergency , and that they hoped we didn 't have too much inconvenience . I turned around and went back home ; heck I don 't mind driving 1 1 / 2 hours just to do nothing . When I got home there wasn 't much going on , so I went up to the computer and checked my email , and then in a few minutes Linda came walking through the door with Chris . It has been months since we 've had a chance to see her , and on top of that she was bringing a gift from a mutual friend . Okada - san , a fellow Boy Scouter , only in Japan , had sent over a nice gift for me , so that was pretty cool . We all had a great time visiting and catching up on what they 're doing , as well as telling her what we 're doing . Finally we went to dinner and then Chris had to get going . She was down visiting her son , Craig , and his family , and we 'd already kept her out later than we should have , but it was so good to see her . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . You know , sometimes things get going so fast that I loose track of the days , and suddenly the week is gone . Like today , I had to look at a calendar three times before I accepted the fact that it was Wednesday . On top of that we 're headed back up to Los Angeles ( up by North Ridge ) again , to be a part of a golf tournament , and then later in the week we are going to be going to our son David 's mother - in - law 's place to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner . I think that will be the last of the trips to Los Angeles , at least for a little while . One of the things that make this next trip kind of special is that we are going to be heading up there in Jason 's new van - it looks like it is finally going to be completed . There were appointments today , at Balboa , and then Tae ( her actual name is Octavia , we just know her as Tae ) Harris took us to lunch . Basically , she wanted to catch up with the two of us and to talk about the Wounded Warrior Med Conference coming up on December 4 . Jason , Linda and I have been asked to speak , along with one other Wounded Warrior . It should be fun and the support it generates for other patients is going to be truly valuable . Most of the folks at the conference will be in the medical field , and we hope others attend as well . Linda and Tae will be going to lunch separately , and I think they 're both looking at it as a " girls afternoon out . " Jason and I went over to the Ability Center , to check out the progress on his new van , and they are just about finished with it . Being able to finally pick up the van is going to be wonderful , and besides I think the folks back at the Wounded Warrior Battalion would like to get their Semper Fi Van back . We 've had that van for the better part of three years and we have put most of the miles on the van . Linda and I finally went to see a movie - Interstellar - and we both thought it was good , but not a great movie . It presented some interesting ideas - that I hope never come to pass - and the special affects were very good . It also had some big names in the movie , and I think I 'll stop at this point , to make sure I don 't spoil it for anyone who might want to see it . After the movie we went over to Costco and picked up a few things , and then came home . The rest of the evening was basically just relaxed , and doing nothing . I promised some pictures from the past couple of days , so here it is . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A big portion of the day , today , was spent driving . Funny thing is , as we were driving we were having one of the best " family " discussions we have had in a long time . Jason was very engaged with the talk , and at times it was mostly between Jason and Linda . It was a time for all of us to just talk about anything that was on our mind , and not focused on anything in particular . We were in the van for nearly five hours today , so that 's why we had so much time . The reason we were in the car for so much time was because we first drove up to the Gary Sinise Foundation , and then after that visit we drove back down here to San Diego . . . and like I said , it was about five hours total as traffic really wasn 't too bad , though it did slow up in a couple places . We had a great visit with the Gary Sinise Foundation , and it was fun to get a chance to see the new facilities . I guess they 've been there for a few months now , and we didn 't ever make it up to their previous facility , but that 's okay , we know where they are now . I guess the biggest surprise was that we were able to meet with Gary Sinise , himself , while we were there . We didn 't know he was going to be there when we scheduled the visit , so that just made it that much better . Gary took us into his office and we sat down for about 30 minutes or more and just talked in a relaxed environment . We learned a little more about his family history and he got to learn a little more about ours . About the only thing that we didn 't do was to take pictures . It was one of those times when we simply enjoyed being with the people and taking a picture didn 't pop into my head until we had already left . Stephanie Lanier , from the Foundation , took us to lunch , along with another of their team ( I 'm embarrassed to admit I don 't remember her name - I 'm really bad about names ) . The lunch was very nice and also relaxed . It was fun just sitting around and talking and finding out some of the future plans that they 're thinking about and they continue to amaze us with all the focus they are able to show us , as well as all the others they are helping . The Foundation is growing more and more every day , and they find new ways of helping people all the time . The drive home was really uneventful , and that 's the way I like it . There was traffic the entire way , though our speed was generally pretty close to the limit most of the time , or maybe a little over . I will be posting some of the pictures , once we have a chance to sit down and pick out some good ones we want to share . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was really a fun day for us , as we were guests of Joe Mantegna , as he directed a segment of the TV Series , Criminal Minds in Los Angeles at the National Cemetery , and also over at the VA Homeless campus . We were able to take a number of pictures and got to meet and get to know a little , some of the other actors , as well as some of the guests . Two of the guests were Marine Generals ( ret . ) and one of the original Tuskegee Airmen ( 96 year young retired Lt . Col . Robert " Bob " Friend ) , and two of his daughters . Actually , Bob was quite a kick - when we told him we had been speaking with his daughters he said he didn 't believe it . " Nobody can get a word in when they 're talking . All you can do is listen . " His two daughters , Sherrie and Karen were both very focused on keeping him comfortable and dotted over their father very well . We exchanged contact information and hope to be able to stay in touch . They were also taken with Jason , as were several of the other people there . I can only tell you this , the episode was about a funeral and I don 't know when this particular episode is going to air . Also , for those wondering . . . No , we were not a part of the episode , we were just there to observe , and to relax . The crew there was excellent and professional and didn 't seem to mind us being around , because I know we must have gotten in the way , yet they were polite and patient with us . If any of you get a chance to go watch the making of a show , please take advantage , it is fun and interesting . Oh , and one last thing . . . Linda sat down with some of the crew and listened in on head phones , during a part of it . She was very excited about that . We started off by taking the girls to church with us , and had an enjoyable start to the day . I know this may sound a little corny , but there was a problem with the churches projection system . They use this to project the hymns on the wall , so that people can sing along during the songs . Well , Pastor John announced we would have to resort back to the old fashioned method of actually using the hymnals in the pews . Heck , I kind of liked doing that , and who knows maybe it will happen again . Anyway , we knew we were going to be heading up to Los Angeles shortly after church so we came back to the house right after services . We took the girls over to their mother 's home , after providing them their lunch ( our 's too ) , and then finished packing . We decided to come up in the van because we thought the trip up was going to be rough with bad traffic , and it wasn 't . We just hope the ride home is as good as the one coming up . We found our hotel , the Royal Palace , and checked in before 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) , and found the place to be much better on the inside than we expected . Jason has his own room and is quite happy being down the hall from us . Actually this is good as it gives him a little more independence , and I am all for him getting more independence . Because of the time that we came to the hotel , it afforded us the opportunity to get a little rest , before we went out to dinner . Since the day before was our anniversary , we decided to let yesterday 's dinner count as our Anniversary Dinner . . . Then , when we sat down Jason announced that he was paying for it . That kind of surprised us , and it made it all the better . Our meal was very nice and when we got back to the hotel we were able to relax and sleep very well , as we just felt very relaxed ( I wasn 't going to let that wifi thing bother me ) . The end of a nice day . This morning we were hoping to find some time to get to visit with David and his family while we were here , but it just wasn 't to be this trip . Besides we will be visiting with them over Thanksgiving , and that will be a more relaxed time , and we won 't have to drive clear across town ( Los Angeles is a very large city and David and Miriam live way over across on the other side . What happened was that David surprised us and came to the hotel , right after we got back from Criminal Minds filming . He was doing some work over at UCLA for the law firm , and since he was in the area he was able to come for a short visit . It was really nice to see him , and it gave him and Jason a chance to talk a little and do some catching up . We were also hoping to get up to see the Gary Sinise Foundation offices , and stop in and visit with some of those folks . As it turns out , we are going to be visiting them tomorrow , just prior to heading back to San Diego . They are only about 30 minutes from here , so it won 't be much of a change to our trip plans , and it will be good to see them again . So far , this has been a very good trip , and we are having a nice and relaxed time together . We had a nice Chinese dinner tonight ( haven 't had Chinese food in a long time ) and we 're going to be able to get another relaxed sleep . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is our anniversary ! Linda and I have been married 39 years , and though there have been some serious challenges we 've managed to stay together , with each day life gets a little better . We really didn 't do much to celebrate our anniversary , today , we did celebrate it a few days ago , when we went up to Julian . We enjoyed the time away from San Diego , and the low pressure days of Julian . It is one of the most laid back little towns I think I have ever come across . Linda had a great time , and so did I . . . we even had some great apple pie ( for those that don 't know , Julian is famous for its apple pie and their Julian apples ) . Today was relaxed and it gave Linda and I a little time to get things together , ahead of our next trip out . We will be going to church in the morning , and then loading up and heading back up to Los Angeles . This time we are going to be watching the filming of an episode of Criminal Minds , as our friend Joe Mantegna will be staring in and directing . He invited us to come up , for about 3 - years now , so we are now finally going . We plan on staying a couple of nights , and that should allow us the opportunity to see David and his family , at least for a little while . Linda did take off to get some shopping in , and she said it was crazy out there . People are already getting into the Christmas shopping crazies mode , and it does cause me some concern with the coming weeks . Also , Linda made French Toast this morning , so I felt that it was my obligation to at least help out some and eat the French Toast . . . Hey , somebody 's got ' a do it . . . ; - ) . The girls both liked the breakfast treat also . Jason took off early to take Gracie to her dog training classes . He drove himself up and back and said the people on the roads were nuts . There was a small fender - bender on the side of the road , and it looked like everyone was slowing down to take a look . This is probably the single more irritating thing for Jason , and with heavy traffic it just makes it that much more irritating . Anyway , he was able to get up and back without a problem , other than the traffic . Tonight the girls were feeling full of energy and having a great time , before , during and after dinner . Both of them are becoming creative , and it is good to see Jackie starting to become more independent . It is so much fun watching the girls grow up , so we feel we 've been given a special gift . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had some visitors today - Linda 's Mom and Dad came down and they brought along Lisa and Michael . . . Linda 's sister and brother - in - law . We hadn 't seen them in quite some time , and it was good to be able to get together , for at least a little while . This was their first visit to see Jason , also , so it was a positive all the way around . They arrived mid - morning an we all went to breakfast . That gave us a chance to sit down and do some initial catching up ; then we came back to the house for a short break and then Linda and Lisa went over to the school to pick up the girls ( they got out at noon today ) . Fortunately they didn 't have to leave right away , and that gave us a little more time to visit and catch up some more . They are down , from Utah , to visit with Joe and Jess , Linda 's ( and Lisa 's ) parents , and will be visiting for a few days . It was good to see them , and I think it was a wonderful gift for Linda , as she really does miss her family , We got a few pictures and I will see if I can get a couple posted by tomorrow . The rest of the day was just spent taking care of a few things around the house and Linda going off to do a little shopping . She was back at the house before it got dark , and we didn 't have to go anywhere else for the rest of the day . Tomorrow is our 39th anniversary , and we kind of already celebrated it up in Julian . That 's okay , because we 'll still have a good day , and a good time tomorrow . She committed to be getting up in the morning and fixing French Toast and a nice breakfast . . . I 'm looking forward to it , for sure ! Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We went to Pepperdine University , yesterday for a Veterans recognition dinner event , and then today we went to a Blue Star Plaque unveiling at Miramar National Cemetery . At both events we were allotted the honor of meeting new and interesting people , as well as the opportunity to help shine the light more on the men and women of the military , and those that serve our country . The two events were about 140 miles apart , so we had to do a bunch of driving , and Jason demonstrated that he is , in fact getting stronger , and showed that he was able to deal with it . Don 't get me wrong , he was uncomfortable at times , and he was worn out at the end of the day , yet he had a great time and his wounds are still making progress . Linda and I enjoy doing these things with Jason , as it helps him to get in front of other veterans , and even sometimes in front of Boy Scouts ( like today ) to show what an Eagle Scout can become and over come ( Jason is an Eagle Scout also ) . We still have a couple more events this month , and also we will be headed to our son , David 's place for Thanksgiving . Then in December we have one event to be a part of , and that is a medical conference . That one , I think , is going to be exciting in that we are going to be discussing the healing process , and just what we have gone through , to help them develop new programs to help others , coming behind us . Otherwise , everyone is doing well , and enjoying as much of life as we possibly can . I was taking a look at some of the statistics provided about this blog , and there have been nearly 195 , 000 page views since it began , back in 2011 . I would never have thought that it would have gotten that much interest , yet there are the numbers . I thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . I hope that this continues to be enjoyable for everyone . Take care and stay positive . Happy Veterans Day to you , one and all . It is something that all veterans think about , though some do more than others . What I hope , is that people will think about is being offered by these men and women who serve , and do it because they believe it is what is needed , and asked of them . My dad was a WWII veteran of the Navy . . . I am a veteran of the Viet Nam era Air Force . . . and Jason is a U . S . Marine , of the Afghanistan era force . I have other family members who have served , far too many to list here , though I can provide them with a little recognition . To all those who serve and served - Thank you , we as a country owe you a great deal . Today we took the girls to the zoo and had a great time . Jackie is still very much a typical four year old , and after a few hours ran out of energy . Actually , her timing was pretty good as I don 't think we could have taken the crowds much longer anyway . The zoo was pretty busy , and we enjoyed every minute of it . When we first got there we went over to the bus tour and there was a woman at the entrance . I don 't think she was actually working the entrance spot , but I thought I recognized her . I asked how long she had been working at the zoo , and since she replied many years I asked if she new David ( our son ) , and she did . David worked at the zoo as a tour bus driver while he attended UCSD . It amazes me how much of a positive impact he had on those who got to work with him . We talked for a few minutes , and then got on the bus . We stayed at the zoo for a few hours and even got to see the tiger , as he was feeling playful , so that was pretty cool . The girls thought it was exciting also . I am so glad that we were able to get those memberships at the first of the year . . . well spent money by Jason . We came back to the house and shortly after getting home the girls took a nap - I had a few too many things to do , otherwise I would have taken a nap as well . The rest of the day was spent catching up on my email , and other things , and making sure we are ready to head up to Pepperdine University tomorrow . The Gary Sinise Foundation has invited us to come have a dinner with them , and to see what is going on , at Pepperdine . Tomorrow we basically just get up and pack , and do our best to get ready to get going . Thank you , for all your continued support . Take care and stay positive . Today was a very nice day , and a nice follow up to yesterday . Both days we focused on getting a few things done around the house and doing some basic straightening up , and just relaxing . I did get to see the 49er game , against the Saints , and that was generally a good game , with the first half going to the Niners and the second half going to the Saints . Problem for the Saints was that the Niners did just enough to get it to overtime , and then they won the game . They have a history of winning overtime games . This time of year there is a great deal more activities going on , and we get invited to participate in more functions . This is good , as it keeps us busy , and it also has its challenges since we have to still take care of other things as well , and maintain a calendar so that we don 't double book on things , nor do we over do it for Jason and mess up with his healing . We 've been invited to a couple of dinners , and also to a golfing event , fortunately all the events are relatively close by , so we don 't have to do any significant traveling . We also found out today that Jason 's house is making some progress in the planning and permitting stages . It looks like we should be ground breaking sometime around the end of January , so that will be a great event , and you can be sure I 'll be taking pictures . Between now and then there are two other things going on , and those are Thanksgiving and Christmas ( Well , New Year Day is pretty big too , I guess - I plan on relaxing ) . Thanksgiving we will be going up to our son 's for a big gathering , and then Christmas will be spent here - or at least that is the plan right now . Helping to make that a more comfortable time I also found out that the new van SHOULD be ready before Thanksgiving . If it is , travel will be much more comfortable for us . We 'll just need to get a trailer to haul around Jason 's Paramobile ( it will fit in the truck , but will have to be in a trailer for the van ) . I have mentioned in the past that Linda and I have lost a little weight , and when we went up to Julian we seemed to have found some of it - or at least I did . I 've started riding again , and hope to loose it all again , and another 5 pounds before Thanksgiving . My biggest challenge is I love to snack , and snack food usually has high levels of sodium . I am so proud of Linda and her determination , it helps me to maintain my focus also . Tomorrow , since we have the girls again , we will be going to the zoo . The girls don 't have school , and Linda and I want to get over there again . I don 't think Jason is going to want to go this time , and that 's okay . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I began the day with a nice bike ride of 19 miles , and it was just what I needed to get the legs loosened up . All the hiking we did up in Julian caused me to have stiff calf muscles and after the bike ride I actually felt pretty good . Funny thing though , there apparently was an event going on this morning , down on the harbor area , and that is part of where I rode . It was quite busy with people and bicycles all over the place , and I was constantly yelling out , " On your left ! " and sometimes , " On your right ! " Depending on where they were . Some of them even thanked me , and that 's a good thing . After the ride I came back to the house , and Linda was up and ready to head off to her Blue Star Mom meeting . She slept in a little , as she started the day off a little on the shaky side . I guess the extra napping helped , she seemed to feel much better when I got back , and she was leaving . Linda was gone for most of the day , taking care of errands and personal business . Jason and I had a few chores to do , and we had some running around to get taken care of , and then we came back to the house . He had been preparing some chicken so he could cook it today , and he did . I 'm not really sure what to call it , other than pieces of chicken . They were a little on the spicy side , but not too much ; and , the marination process he used seemed to really keep them moist . Once he was done cooking , he and I had a bunch of them . I thought they were the best chicken nuggets I have ever had , and they were also the biggest . Jason said he would probably do it again sometime , and I am very much supportive of that idea . The evening came along with a nice dinner . We were invited to the Nice Guys annual Nice Guy of The Year dinner . It is a formal affair and everybody that came was dressed very nicely . Even Jason had on his tux . . . and he looked pretty sharp . The event was to honor T . Denny Sanford , as he has given away over a billion dollars to hospitals and other charity functions . He owns a couple of companies , and they are doing quite well , so his stated goal of being broke when he dies is going to be a challenge , and he seems to enjoy that challenge . It was the first Nice Guys major event , for us and it was quite nice . Perhaps we will be invited again next year - and then they can have a second chance of saying Jason 's name correctly . He was introduced as John Ross , and we had a nice laugh over that . We didn 't stay past 21 : 30 ( 9 : 30pm ) , as Jason wanted to get back out of the chair , and on top of that I was getting tired . We came home and I changed his wound dressings . I am very pleased with how this new seat cushion really seems to be helping out . I just hope it continues . Not sure what we will be doing tomorrow , so my guess would be to suggest we 're not going to be doing much of anything . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The mini - vacation / break was excellent , though we would have liked to have had another day ( or two ) . We went up to Julian , expecting to get some relaxation time , and ended up having a great time and meeting some wonderful people . We stayed at the Orchard Inn , and it has all the amenities that we could ask for , as well as being nestled in some of the prettiest wooded area around . Yesterday , after we got up , Linda wanted to go exploring and do a little hiking . There were some trails right out front , so those were the first we explored . They really didn 't go too far up the hill , and showed signs of neglect , and we found out later that the neglect was intentional . Apparently , over the past several years , guests had gone up the trails and a couple of them actually got lost . Because this happened a couple of times it was decided to just let the tails go back to nature and discourage guests from going up that way . Instead we found out about another trail that was a couple of miles away , and it was part of a park system trail . It was also " supposed " to be a 4 . 5 mile loop . I put it in quotes because the trail really isn 't marked out too well , and there are no maps of the area . Linda and I ended up going nearly 9 . 5 miles on some hilly terrain , and we had a great time . What we did was to hike up to the highest point and go down the other side , and after about a mile we turned around and went back up to the top again , and just followed the trail back to the trail head where we started . By the time we were done it was late afternoon , and both of us were tired . Once back at the Inn we went to our room and showered and laid down for a short nap . Dinner was at 18 : 15 ( 6 : 15 pm ) , and there was a little reception time prior to the dinner . That 's were we got to meet some very nice people , and in the process of having dinner , an anonymous diner bought us a nice bottle of wine . They had heard us talking about Jason and wanted to do something for us . We found out who it was , later and went and thanked them , and let them know we appreciated their thoughtfulness . Needless to say , we slept well that night - physically worn down and an extra bottle of wine , a good combination , especially since we didn 't have to drive anywhere . The next morning ( this morning ) we saw several of those same people and sort of had a reunion . We checked out of the Inn and then went down town to do a little walking around - no we hadn 't had enough walking and hiking . Julian has a bunch of great things to see and a very colorful history to explore . We went into several shops and in to their museum . I 'm pretty sure we 'll go back again , I just don 't know when right now . While we were off at Julian , Jason was here being taken care of by Joselyn . She is a God Send and Jason likes her too . While up in Julian we didn 't have much in the way of phone signal , so there were no phone calls ( and that is a good thing ) , so we just trusted Joselyn and Jason to take care of everything , as it was supposed to be . . . and it was . Jason was in very good spirits and a positive mood when we came home , so no matter how you look at it , these past few days was a complete and total success . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different , in that we had a visit from Brian , from the VA , who was here to evaluate me , the environment , Jason and even Linda , to make sure he was in fact getting good care and that we should be a part of their program . I know it sounds kind of strange , considering how long I have been taking care of Jason , but it is a process that is required , and besides , Brian was a great guy to talk with , and he had lots of great information for us . He is also still an active reservist so there is that military connection and I think Jason liked that . When he initially got there he said it was going to be a 2 - hour visit / evaluation , but he and Jason were having such a good time it went to almost 3 - hours , and that made him late for his next appointment . Otherwise , we passed just fine . After Brian left Linda and I went into overdrive to get everything packed up and still get Jason fed , as we were leaving for Julian ( that 's where we are right now - Linda is enjoying a hot bath for a change ) just as soon as we could get everything packed and in the car . We left at almost exactly 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) and headed East and then North . It didn 't take very long to get to the Inn , and it is great . The get away is a gift from the EOD Warrior Foundation , and it is much appreciated by both of us , and I think Jason , too . Linda and I walked a little bit , around the town and had a nice simple dinner . We also got to know the Inn person ( not sure what her official title is ) who checked us in . She talked with us for about an hour and we were the only ones taking advantage of their evening snacks . Linda and I also sat out on the patio for a little while and enjoyed just watching the stars , as the atmosphere is wonderfully clear us here ( I think we 're sitting at about 4200 feet ) . There are a bunch of historical things to look at and we plan to do that tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Happy Election Day ! Linda and I are fully registered to vote in San Diego now , though it almost feels like we 're cheating and should be staying linked to the SF Bay Area . I really didn 't see any surprises in the general election , and wished I could have exercised my right to vote . Yeah , we registered , but could not find the time to go vote today . I guess it was related to all the things we have going , and the lack of time to fully understand the different issues on the ballot , as well as not knowing the candidates well enough to cast a vote , one way or another . I promise , with the next election we will be getting to our polling place . Jason had a couple of appointments today . One with the folks at Balboa and one with those at the VA . Balboa was with physical therapy and the VA was with his recovery coordinator . Both of them went well , and neither of them went over their scheduled amount of time . I was with Jason , as I had a couple of questions for the VA , and Jason and I were back home by noon . About the most unusual thing to happen was that we went in his truck , and therefore the valet guys were not able to drive his truck . They did , however , help find a parking place , and that was helpful . The rest of the day was spent getting ready for tomorrow , including getting the care cleaned . I took the Fusion to the car wash , and now it looks all nice and pretty , for our get - away . There were some regular chores and errands that had to be taken care of , as well as getting some stuff done otherwise . Joselyn is going to be helping Jason , while we 're gone , so she came to the house today to make sure she knew what all she was to do , and it was good to see her again , anyway . I may not do much blogging for the next few days , so I hope that doesn 't bother too many folks . Thank you , for continuing to be involved with my blogging , and I look forward to keeping everyone aware of what all is going on . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Tomorrow is election day , and I have to admit , I 'm not ready . I have not taken the time needed to learn who the local candidates are , and what they stand for . I also don 't have a solid grasp of all the state wide issues , or even the local ones . . . I guess that makes me pretty much a normal voter . . . ; - ) I will be doing some reading tomorrow , and see if I can figure some things out . Linda and I are now registered to vote down here , so we really should . Jason took himself to his appointment , and that was pretty cool . It gave me a little time to get a nice bike ride in , and also a little time for Linda and I to get some things together for all the different activities we 're going to be involved in this month . For instance , on Wednesday we are going to be taking off for Julian , a small town , not too far from here , where we 'll be spending a couple of days at a B & B , and just doing our best to relax . We have to come back Friday , so it won 't be too long away , and we have help coming in , Joselyn , to assist with Jason . The rest of the day was spent doing things with the girls , besides walking them to and from school . Stacy is becoming very crafty with here projects and Jackie is beginning to discover more things , other than stuffed animals . She and Stacy both love to look at books and to have us either read to them , or help them read the books to us . Not sure all the things we 'll be doing tomorrow , but I am sure that it will keep us plenty busy . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Linda and I took advantage of the time change this morning , and actually got up " early " for a change . We got up at about 07 : 00 , on a Sunday , and that is early . Of course it felt more like 08 : 00 , so that 's why I put the quotes around early . We were up and the girls were still asleep so we both decided that we could take advantage of this time and get some exercise in . This means I went for a bike ride , while Linda went to the elliptical . I managed to get in 16 + miles before going to church , and we were not late ! The rest of the day was spent taking care of some chores around the house , and I even changed out Mr . Jingles cage ( Jason 's pet rat ) . Linda swept the floor and it was amazing just how much of Gracie 's fur gathers . . . as Jason likes to say , " she is a German Shedder . " The other event that we got to do was to head over to Glen and Anne Picket 's place to visit with our cats , Candy and Pumpkin . Both of them are doing well , and growing more and more distant , the longer they live with someone else . We are thankful that Anne and her family have provided a wonderful loving environment for our cats and Linda really misses them . We are really looking forward to getting into Jason 's new home so that we bring the cats home . The other adventure was Jason 's . He went off to go shoot his new shot gun , with Anthony Netto . He said he had a great time and that the shot gun worked very well . The range master saw Jason 's gun and got very excited . He had seen pictures of the gun but had never had the opportunity to hold one , and shoot it . Jason allowed several of them to take some shots , and they all enjoyed it . It is a 15 round pump action shot gun , and looks like something out of Terminator . Fortunately , he keeps it locked up in a gun safe . Tomorrow starts a new week , and the girls are looking forward to going to school , in the morning . While they 're in school we 'll be taking care of a number of things , and begin getting ready for our 3 - day holiday to celebrate our 39th anniversary . We talked with the girls about this and Stacy wanted to know why she wasn 't going to be going with us . We just told her that it was our chance to have some vacation time , and she seemed okay with that . We have arranged for someone to be coming in to help with Jason 's and they 're already familiar with changing Jason 's dressings . We just need a break - Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a very nice day today , with the girls having fun with Grandma and taking down the Halloween decorations . Stacy went to Costco with Grandpa and we got out with spending less than $ 200 ( I figured I must have done something wrong ) . Jason spent the day down , for the most part , though he did go in to tell the girls a good - night story , and also earlier in the day he came out to the kitchen . I guess it was just one of those days where we relaxed and got ready for the time change . . . ; - ) It did rain last night , and that was unusual - unusual in that it hasn 't rained much around here so we were very happy to see it . Even tonight it looked like it might rain a little more , but that didn 't stop me from putting some salmon on the grill in the back . The girls played out there while I grilled , and the meal came out just fine . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
I stumbled upon a photo of a Great , Great Uncle , Wilford Herbert Coley , posted on a website . I e - mailed the lady who posted the picture and she forwarded my e - mail to her brother . As it turns out , the family has a number of film reels taken from the early 1960 's . I asked him to share any that he thought I might be interested in . He indicated that one was from a funeral and it seemed to include extended family . He could only identify his grandfather , Wilford Herbert Coley , in the film . On a hunch , I sent him this photo and informed him that it was taken 17 August 1961 at the burial of my Great , Great Grandmother , Martha Christiansen Coley , in Richmond , Utah . This is Wilford 's mother and I knew he was at the funeral . I also knew that if the family was into filming events , this could very well be one such event to catch . The film starts out with children carrying flowers out of the church . I am pretty sure this is the old Richmond , Utah South Ward Building ( demolished after the 1962 earthquake ) . I do not think we will be able to identify any of these girls because of how cloudy and short the video is at this point . We jump to the casket being carried by 6 men , the 6 male siblings . On the far side of the casket from right to left are Roland , Wilford , and Art . On the near side from right to left are Lloyd , Golden , and Ivan . If anyone can add more information , I certainly welcome it . I hope we can identify every person in the video but I think I hope for too much . After all , this was taken 40 years ago ! Nevertheless , the video is interesting to see people living and moving who are now all gone from mortality . For those interested , here is a copy of Lillian Coley Jonas ' journal that includes this funeral . Martha died on the 14th of August 1961 . I also include the other two journals we have for her . EMPLOYEE RETIRES - Albert Wakely , second from the right , a Buhl city employee for the past 19 years , retired Thursday of last week at the age of 65 years and in recognition of his great loyalty and longtime work on the city crew , his fellow employees held a coffee hour in his honor at the city hall and presented him with a gift of a jacket . Albert will receive social security benefits as well as payments from the State Employees Retirement fund . He plans to do a lot of fishing , his favorite sport , in his retirement . Pictured with Albert above are Ivan Coley and Rulon McMurdie , two fellow - workers at the left , and Jess Holmes , city maintenance superintendent on the right . ( Buhl Herald staff photo ) . Since Ivan does not give much background information , I will provide some . Ivan is the sister to my Lillian Coley Jonas . Ivan is the sixth of ten children born to Martha Christiansen and Herbert Coley born 26 June 1912 in Richmond , Cache , Utah . He married Clara McMurdie on 22 October 1930 in Buhl , Twin Falls , Idaho . Ivan and Clara had four children . Ivan passed away 22 September 1994 in Buhl . He was buried 27 September 1994 in West End Cemetery near Buhl . Clara just joined him this year . I was born in the little town of Richmond , Utah in Cache Valley . We lived up in the foothills called Nebo , about 3 1 / 2 miles from town . It was really pretty up there . You could see all over the valley . I was one of ten children with four sisters and five brothers . We didn 't have a car so we had to hitch the horses up to the white - top buggy when we went to church . In the winter we used the bobsleds . Sometimes the show would be so deep that you didn 't know where the road was . Sometimes I would ride skis or hand sleigh to school in the winter . We had to pack our lunches because they didn 't have hot school lunches then . My dad had an old buckboard and he said he wanted to get it over to the house . One day when my parents weren 't home , I decided to hook the horse up to the buckboard and pull it over to the house for my dad . It didn 't have any shavs to guide it so I just put a chain on it to get it to the house . I was doing okay until the wheel hit a rock and the other wheel hit the horse in the belly . The horse got scared and ran away and I fell off the buckboard . It tore out about 100 yards of fence . When I got up , the horse was down by the haystack eating hay . I was afraid to tell my dad about it for fear that I would get my butt kicked because he had told me not to do it . Dad finally bought a house close to town so it would be easier for us kids to get to school in the winter . One day they left me and my older brother Wilford home alone . He was frying sausage and I was standing with my back to the stove trying to keep warm . He stuck the hot fork that he was frying the meat with on the back of neck . I got warm in one spot and you could see the mark of the fork tines in my neck . I was sick a lot when I was young . The doctors said that I had liver trouble . I was ruptured and had to wear a truss for seven years . I finally got to where I didn 't have to wear it anymore . I didn 't know what a long pair of dress pants were until I was about thirteen . We wore levis or kickerbockers pants that came just below the knees and buttoned . I also wore long black socks that came up to the knees . At Christmas we didn 't get things like they do now . We would get a little wagon and it had to be for all of us . Our gifts were mostly clothes . We may get an orange , some hardtack and sugar candy and that was a treat for us . Mother would take the eggs to town in a milk bucket and trade them for groceries . We didn 't know what hand soap and shampoo were then as we just used the old laundry soap and mother made most of it . About once a week we would get a little butter for our bread . We used mostly fryings from the bacon and dipped our bread or biscuits into it . It was really good . About the only time we would get cake or pie was on a holiday or birthday . We didn 't get both cake and pie together and we only got one piece when we did get it . I used to ride about eight miles to Lewiston with my dad to take a wagon load of wheat to the mill to have it ground for flour and cereal . We brought the bran home for the hogs every fall for our winter supply as we couldn 't go to town every day like they do now . We would get snowed in sometimes and couldn 't get to town for several days . Then we would have to go through the fields as the roads would be drifted full . We didn 't have a telephone . The only ones that had a phone were the rich people . The phones then had a little crank on the side of them and you had to crank it before you could get the operator . I worked for Melvin Smith in Richmond milking cows and plowing for $ 5 . 00 a month . There was one time I was plowing and the horses took off for the barn . I couldn 't get the plow out of the ground . I must have plowed a furrow about 1 / 4 mile long . The horses didn 't stop until they got to the barn . I went to unhitch them from the plow and one horse kicked me in the leg . It made me mad and I was going to quit but I was afraid to tell the boss so I worked a little longer . I was only about 23 or 13 years old at the time . On the days we had to spare , some of the neighbors would get together and round up some of the cattle . We would put them in a corral and have a rodeo . I rode the first one and we put a surcingle on him . The bigger boys put me on him and turned me loose . He sure did some bucking , but I stayed on . They passed a hat around and got about 25 or 30 cents and they gave it to me . I sure was ticked to death to get it . I didn 't go to school very much . My folks would send me and I would play hookey . I would go anywhere but to school . Now I can see where I made a mistake as I hurt no one but myself . I never did get to go to the circus . I would ride the streetcar to Logan once in a while though and see a show . It cost 10 cents to ride the streetcar and 10 cents to see the show . You didn 't get popcorn or candy to eat in the theater then . My brother and I were sleeping on the porch and the dog started barking in the middle of the night . I raised up in bed and saw a man coming up toward the house . I reached over and got the gun and fired a shot . It hit the drain pip on the side of the house . My brother - in - law came running out of the house to see what the shooting was all about . Whoever it was took off and never came back . It sure scared me . One time one of my friends and I rode a horse to Franklin , Idaho . That was about 10 miles from where we lived . This was in the middle of the winter and we had gone to check on some cattle . It was sure cold ( about 20 degrees below zero ) . I rode back in the middle of the night . I came to the neighbors who had a sheep wagon . I went inside and there was a little wood in it . I built a fire and laid down on the bed springs . There was no bedding because they had taken it out for the winter . I nearly froze to death . I sure was glad to see morning come . The neighbor took me to his house and gave me breakfast because I hadn 't had anything to eat since dinner the day before . The first time I ever tasted corn flakes was up to the neighbors . They put sugar and real straight cream on it . I thought I would founder as I had tasted nothing like that before . We didn 't know what prepared cereal was in those days and we called it mush . I remember one time my dad made some elderberry wine and put it up in the attic in the house . Every once in a while you would hear one go " BANG " as it blew up . One time we had an old man over for supper . He was an old man with long whiskers who we called " Grandpa Andrews " . Dad went up in the attic to get a bottle of wine . He went to open the bottle and it blew the cork out and hit the ceiling and Grandpa Andrews ' whiskers . It sure went off with a bang . One of the kids ran outside hollering " Grandpa got shot ! " I sure did laugh . They got another bottle and one held it while the other tried to open it and it blew the pitcher out of their hand . I don 't think anyone got wine that night . When I wasn 't very old , I remember my dad and I went to thin beets to buy a bull . I had a dog called " Bob " once and we used to hook him to the hand sleigh and haul the milk to the neighbor 's house about two blocks away as Bob pulled the sleigh . Wherever I went the dog was with me . The neighbor gave me a calf that broke his leg and I killed it and used it for coyote bait . I poisoned some of it . I thought the dog was home but he must have followed me . He got some of the poison and it killed him . I used to go out at night and sit on the haystack in the winter and shoot those big mountain hare rabbits with a shotgun . I would sell them for 5 cents apiece . Sometimes I would get for and five a shot as the rabbits were so thick they would undermine the haystacks . We had homemade skis . They were about 5 inches wide . All they had to hold them on your feet were a 3 / 4 inch strap to go over the foot and a broomstick split and nailed on the skis to go under the arch . They turned the toes up on the skis by driving a nail in them and using a wife , twisting it and steaming the skis . They way I learned to ride the skis was to straddle a long stick and have it drag behind me . It worked really good . If you wanted to slow down , yo would pull upon the front of the stick and sit down real hard on it . It would dig in the snow and slow you down . After we learned to ride good , we didn 't hold on to anything . When I was a kid there were very few deer and elk because people killed them for their hides . I can remember when they brought some elk , 4 cows , and a bull on a boxcar and turned them loose in the hills . They closed the season on them . You couldn 't hunt for several years . Then they got so thick that they would come down and eat the farmers ' haystacks at night . My sister , her husband , and her husband 's family moved to Buhl , Idaho in the fall and the next summer I went to Franklin , Idaho to get a job on the highway . They said they didn 't hire kids . " I was 16 at the time . " A friend of mine and I decided to keep going the rest of the way to Buhl . We hitch - hiked all the way ! We got off on the wrong road and ended up in Blackfoot so we had to go back to Pocatello . I didn 't have any money and my friend had 11 cents . A sheepherder picked us up and we slept on the desert that night . He took us to Pocatello and bought us some breakfast , which sure tasted good . He got us on the right road for Buhl . We would get a ride for a few miles , then we would have to walk again . All we had to eat were a few apricots . We finally made it after 2 or 3 days . I sure was glad to get a job sorting some spuds . They had a mule to pull the sorter . The people would pick the spuds and dump them on the sorter and I would sort them . They sorter didn 't have any wheels under it , it just had runners . After we got the spuds all sorted out , they didn 't have any money to pay me . They said that we could have spuds for pay . We took the car out and got several sacks of spuds . I gave them to my future in - laws as I was living with them at this time . I later got a job working for a man in Castleford for $ 15 a month as they would only pay a kid half a man 's wages . I would have to get up and help do chores and be out in the field by 7 o ' clock a . m . and work until 6 o ' clock that night . Once a week I would go to Buhl and take the whole family to a show . They had family ight once a week at that time . The whole family could go to the show for 50 cents . They all looked forward to this . A bull killed the man I worked for that summer . I quit Claude Browns , went back to Utah , and stayed there until spring . Then I came back to Buhl and started to work for Roy Fait . I helped them tear the old livery stable down . The West One Bank is located there now . I helped them put a miniature golf course in there . I mixed the green for it from sand , sawdust , and feathers . I can 't remember what we used to make it green . Then we had to use a heavy roller to smooth it down . This is when I bought my first car , a 1922 Overland . Rulon McMurdie and I went to the Shoshone Basin one day to hunt sage hens and on the way up my car quit so we pushed it to the side of the road . A day or two later we went back to get it and someone had pushed it down an embankment about 100 feet and we had to drive it down the canyon to get it out . I drove it back to Buhl and took it to a guy to have it fixed . He charged me $ 125 dollars and I couldn 't pay him so I just gave him the car . Rulon and I were working for a guy milking cows . When we turned them out of the barn , we would grab them by the tail , pull it over their back , grab a hand full of hide on their neck , jump on their backs , and ride them out of the barn . They sure would buck . We had a lot of fun until one stepped on my leg and I thought for sure she broke it . That ended the riding of milk cows . We were down fishing in the Salmon Canyon and my little dog was lying down just a little way from me . I heard a noise and turned around and there was a rattle snake . It had bitten my dog and a little while later he died . It didn 't take me long to get out of there . It sure did scare me . Rulon and I went duck hunting and a man came out to tell us to get out of there . We asked him who he thought he was talking to . He said , " Who are you ? " and I said , " I am the Game Warden . " He left us alone and we went on hunting . We would also stop cars for one light being out and tell them they had better get it fixed . I made a badge out of a piece of tin . They didn 't argue with me . I guess they thought I was a Traffic Cop . Rulon and I went trapping for muskrats on Deep Creek . There was a boat there and I got in it to go to the other side . I got almost in the middle of the creek and the boat tipped over with me in it . I thought for sure I was going to drown because I had a sheep skin coat and a pair of hip boots on . Rulon just sat on the bank laughing at me . I finally got out and thought I would freez to death because it was snowing and blowing . We couldn 't even make a fire because there wasn 't anything to burn so we got in Rulon 's old Model - T Ford with no top on it and drove home . I was sure glad to get to a warm house . We were coming home one evening and there was a truck load of apples ahead of us . I got the lariat rope and got on the front of the car . I was going to lariat a box of them and just as I got close enough to throw , they turned the corner into Buhl so we didn 't get any apples . Every time we would go down the road passed this man 's house , a mean dog would come out after us . I told Rulon the next time he came out after us , I would shoot him and sure enough , he came out after us and I shot and killed him . That night the sheriff came and said he wanted to talk to us . He took us up to the City Hall . The guy was there that owned the dog . We knew then that we were in trouble . He said I shot the dog and hit his boy and I called him a damn liar . The sheriff said , " none of that " and he got me by the shoulder and locked us both up in jail all night . We didn 't have anything to eat all that night and the next morning . Rulon 's mother and sister , Carrie , brought us something to eat . We sure were glad to see them . They let us out that afternoon . That really taught us a lesson to be good as we didn 't want to go to jail again . They just had the old iron beds and we didn 't have any blankets . That learned us to be good kids as I thought if that is the way jails were , we didn 't want any part of them . The government wanted me , and friend of mine , and some other men to round up wild horses , and drive them from Bliss , Idaho to Elko , Nevada . They corralled them there and shipped them out on a train . I don 't know now where to , but we didn 't go because this man 's wife didn 't want him to go . They said we wouldn 't be riding the same horse when we got there as we did when we left . I started dating Clara McMurdie when I worked at the golf course . We had known each other in grade school in Richmond , Utah . My sister , Carrie , married her brother , Lorus . They moved to Buhl , Idaho and that 's why I came to Buhl . I stayed in Buhl for a while and then went back to Richmond . I wrote to Buhl to ask Clara 's folks if we could get married . I thought if they said no , I was far enough away from them that they couldn 't shoot me . " Ha , ha ! " But they did say yes so my dad , my mother , and I went to Buhl and we got married at her parent 's home . They next morning we went back to Richmond to live . I worked on my dad 's ranch for 2 years . I packed groceries back in the mountains to my brother and brother - in - law on pack horses as they were up there getting wood out . We would put two drags of wood that we pulled on 2 horses and we hooked one drag behind the other so the other would hold it back going down the mountain . It just took one horse to drag it down the hill then we would get the bobsled and take it the rest of the way home . I used to drive a covered school wagon in the winter . It was a covered bobsleigh with a hole big enough to put the lines through to drive it and a little window to see through . I got a dollar a day for driving it . We had to furnish the horses , bobsleigh , and wagon . We lived with my folks in one small room of their house . That spring , we moved into a place closer to town . We only stayed there a little over a month because we couldn 't afford the rent ( it was $ 5 . 00 ) . So we moved back with my folks again . That fall , we moved into a little 2 - room log house . It cost us 6 dollars a month . It got so cold we couldn 't keep the rooms warm so we moved our bedspring and mattress out onto the kitchen floor . We nearly froze to death . You could see through the cracks in the logs . We only stayed there 1 week and we moved back with my folks again . We tried to get them to give us back some of our rent money and they wouldn 't do it . In the spring , our oldest daughter ( Sarah Colleen ) was born in the same house and same room that I was born in . We had to go and get the doctor in a white top buggy as the roads were too muddy . They wouldn 't get there in a car . That fall , I threshed the grain and got 50 dollars for my share . I also topped beets and made 35 dollars . This is when we moved to Buhl , Idaho . My brother - in - law , Lorus McMurdie , came down with his car and got us as we didn 't have a car . We moved in with my wife 's folks . They lived in an old hotel on 8th street . Lorus and I took two teams of horses and wagons and drove them up in the Shoshone Basin and cut wood . All we took with us to eat was spuds , bread , onions , fruit , and bacon . The spuds froze . We had to scoop the snow off the ground to put our quilts on the ground to sleep because we didn 't have a sleeping bag or tent . We would get cold , so we walked alongside the wagon and drove the horses . One of our loads of wood slipped off the side of the road . We camped there that night and reloaded the wagon the next morning . It was so cold , the edge of our quilt froze to the ground . We were supposed to get 3 dollars a cord for the wood ( split and cut ) . He never did pay us . I went to work for Jess Eastman . We walked to work and back . I had to be there at 7 o ' clock in the morning and work until 7 o ' clock at night . It was four miles down there and four miles back . If we were lucky , we would get a ride once and a while . We had to take our own lunch . Once in a while after I got home , I would go back to work at Shields warehouse shoveling clover seed in bins until 10 o ' clock or midnight and be ready for work again at 7 o ' clock the next morning . We lived with my wife 's folks in that old hotel . The next spring we moved down closer to our work . One night I came home and there were a bundh of people there and I couldn 't figure out why . I soon found they had a strawberry roan horse for me to break and ride . They said if I could ride it they would buy me a new cowboy hat . I put the saddle on it and snubbed it up to another horse . I climbed on her and they turned her loose . The first jump she made , my hat flew off and she tore every button off my shirt . She sure did some bucking and bawling . You could hear her for a half mile . She headed for a rock fence and Lorus , my brother - in - law , was on his horse . He tried to keep her away from the rock fence and his stirrup on the saddle broke and he fell off . When the horse got to the rock fence she turned and quit bucking . I rode her every day for three weeks and every time I got on her she wanted to buck . I won my new hat , but I sure did earn it ! I bought a fat cow for 10 dollars and butchered her . We didn 't have a deep freezer at that time so we hung the meat outside and hoped it stayed frozen . Some of it thawed out and froze again and boy did we get a belly ache . We sure did run races for the outhouse ( ha , ha ! ) . We didn 't have electricity or telephones . I finally got enough money to buy a Model T Ford for 25 dollars and we didn 't have to walk so much anymore . We finally moved ourselves down to Jess Eastman 's and I worked for him for 3 years . He didn 't have the money to hire us any longer , so we got me a job uptown sorting spuds for 15 cents an hour . We would go at 7 o ' clock a . m and sometimes work until midnight nearly every night . We finally bought the old shack we were living in for 50 dollars and moved it on a lot on 8th Street in Buhl . It cost us 15 dollars to have it moved . It was the first house on lower 8th Street in Buhl at that time . The house was 2 rooms and the walls were plastered with mud and straw . We took cheesecloth and old rags and pasted on the walls then we wallpapered over that and made it real cute . We had orange crates nailed on the walls for cupboards . We bought the lot next to us for 25 dollars . We just lived there a short time . Our son , " Bud " Lorus , was born . Then we moved to Castleford and I farmed for a guy for 30 dollars a month . He hired 2 other men to help me farm it . He paid one 15 dollars and the other 10 dollars a month and we had to board and feed them . He gave us a table and chairs for their board . We still have their chairs . We started breaking horses and we hitched them up to the wagon one time and they ran away . The lane they ran down wasn 't wide enough for the wagon as it was just a cow lane . They tore the wagon all to pieces and all they had left when they stopped was the tongue and front wheels . We stayed here for about a year and a half and then we moved and worked for another man for about a year . He made me mad as he didn 't keep his promise to give me a couple of heifers . I was bunching clover with a pitchfork and he came and told me he couldn 't give them to me . He promised me that spring that if I would stay with him , he would give them to me as a bonus and that fall he backed out on his deal . I told him I was going to quit and he said I couldn 't . So I showed him I could and left the pitchfork in the field and walked out on him . The next day we went to Utah and saw my folks . When we came back we moved again to Melon Valley ( known as Little Country Club ) . We only stayed there a short time until spring . I would walk to town ( about 4 miles ) to sort spuds as we couldn 't afford to drive the car . Sometimes we would stay all day waiting to work and they would come tell us that we wouldn 't be working that day and to come back tomorrow . It was cold and I was going to drive the car that morning . I couldn 't afford alcohol at that time as there wasn 't any anti - freeze in those days , so I put fuel oil in the radiator . It got hot and blew it all out , so I had to put water in it and drain it out when I got to work , then put more in it when I came home and cover the radiator with a blanket to keep it from freezing . I bought a cow for 30 dollars and had her for a while . Then I traded her for 2 heifers that were going to freshen . I took them to my father - in - law 's and when they freshened , he milked them . Later , I bought another one and let him milk her too for the milk as we had moved to Castleford . I worked for a man out there for 30 dollars a month and he wouldn 't let me keep them . I worked there for about 2 years and then we moved to Melon Valley where we rented a place from Stan Webber . We got 1300 dollars from FHA and bought some cows , a team of horses , and some machinery to get started with . We didn 't think we would ever pay it back as that seemed like a lot of money to us , but in 2 years , we had it paid off . It was a hard struggle and some of our horses died . One died with colic and one foundered on grain and died . Our cattle kept dying and we couldn 't figure out what was wrong . We finally found out they were eating wild parsnips . Another time we woke up in the night and saw the chicken coop was on fire . WE jumped out of bed and ran to get the neighbors . They came to help us put the fire out , but it was too late . It burned down the coop and one hundred little chicks . We had 6 hens setting outside the coop and they burned right on the nests as the dump things wouldn 't leave their nests . I had just went to town that day and bought one hundred pounds of chick feed and kerosene for the brooder as we didn 't have electricity . I had been sleeping out in the coop in order to watch the brooder so it didn 't get too hot . I decided to sleep in the house that night as they had been getting along so good . It 's a good thing I did or I might have been roasted with the chickens ! We used to go salmon fishing . Sometimes it was a lot of fun when they let us spear them . I went elk , deer , and antelope hunting as it was a lot of fun . We usually got our limit of game . I killed a big brown bear and had a rug made of it and a few years later , I got a little black cub . We had him mounted standing up on a frame . We rented the ranch for 3 years and decided what money we were giving for rent , we might just as well be buying it . We bought the one hundred sixty acres for 10 thousand dollars . We sure did raise some good beets and potatoes . We used to have good times there . Every Saturday night , there would be a get - together of the valley people . We would take our families and have a dance and potluck . We sure did have fun and the little kids would dance . We wouldn 't have to worry where they were or what they were doing . Our third child Clarene RaNae was born . After that my health wasn 't very good . I had to have surgery and we had to borrow $ 8 , 060 and mortgage everything we had to get the money . We bought a few more cows to milk as we figured that was the only way we could pay the money back . We had a hard struggle but we made it . We farmed and lived on that place for 21 years , then we sold it to our neighbor and moved to town where we are living now . I always tried to go fishing and hunting every year . One time , my father - in - law and I and about 4 others went in the Selway to hunt elk . WE got snowed in for 12 days . The guy that packed the hunters in and out lost 17 head of pack mules over a cliff as they tied one behind the other as they had to follow a narrow trail around the mountain . We asked the guy that lost them if he ever found them again . He said " Yes , everyone of them came home later on " . It was about 70 miles from where he lost them to where he lived . One of the hunters that he had packed in had a heart attack and died while we were there and all we had to get him out of there was my horse and the packers horse . We left camp at 7 o ' clock that night and didn 't get him to camp til about 7 o ' clock the next morning as the horses had to wade in snow to their bellies . We left him in one of the camps for 2 days until the forest service could get in to get him out . Another time we went in we rolled my two mules down the mountain . It didn 't hurt them . We got them out again . Another time two other saddle horses rolled down the mountain within about 30 minutes apart . It sure was steep , but we had a good time and would look forward to going back the next year . My father - in - law said I know I should not have came and maybe you would have got your elk and wouldn 't have got snowed in . We just laughed . The other time , I took my father - in - law fishing and we were in the boats . I cast my line out and didn 't think I case out far enough . When I reeled in , I had a pair of glasses on my hook . I couldn 't figure out where they came from . Dad felt his eyes and his glasses were gone . He said , " How in the devil did that happen ? I thought I felt something jerk on my ears " . We sure did have a good laugh out of that . He often talked about it and had a good laugh . I still don 't know how I ever hooked onto them without him knowing it . We sure had some good times together . One other time , we had been up to Galena Summit getting out corral poles . We were coming home and we had a horse in a trailer . A car was trying to pass us and she ran off the side of the road . It looked like she was going to hit a telephone pole . She swerved back onto the road and she it our car on the hind wheel and it threw the horse out of the trailer onto the front of our car . It hurt his back and he couldn 't get up so we had to shoot him . We used to take our children camping and fishing when they were little . Then came the grandchildren . We used to take them fishing and camping . We sure did enjoy having them with us . Now they are growing up and have their friends and activities . So now we just go alone . We sure do miss them but we still have our memories of the past . Would like to relieve some of the happy ones again . Had Ivan of lived one more month , we could have celebrated our 64th wedding anniversary as he passed away on the 22nd of September , 1994 . Our anniversary was the 22nd of October . He hadn 't been well for a long time as he got to where he couldn 't see to drive a car and was going to the doctor off and on for a year or two . They didn 't seem to know what was wrong with him until it was too late . They found out it was melanoma cancer of the rectum . They operated on him on January 18 , 1994 and they said they got 99 . 9 percent of it . They thought they had the worst of it , but he lived just 8 months longer when he passed away . We bought us a nice self contained trailer house . It had a propane refrigerator in it . It sure was nice , but we didn 't get to enjoy it very much as he didn 't feel like going . We bought it the year before . The last month , he sure suffered . We sure had a lot of memories behind us . A lot of them were good and a lot of them were bad . We wondered sometimes if we would make it . But I guess that 's the way life is . As they say , we have to have trials to learn to appreciate the good times and we had a lot of good times together . I sure miss them and him . But we still had a lot of good memories . With the passing of Clara Coley this week , I thought I would put together a quick little history with the photos I have of her . A good portion of this is written around Clara 's obituary . I have an autobiography of Ivan so I will create a separate post for him in the future . Clara McMurdie was born 26 January 1914 in Paradise , Cache , Utah with a twin brother Clarance ( 1914 - 1919 ) . She was one of 11 children born to Sarah Amelia Checketts and Joseph Kay McMurdie . She grew up in Cache Valley and her family moved to Richmond , Cache , Utah when she was a few years old . It was while they lived in Richmond that she met Ivan Coley who was a few years older than her . Clarance died and is buried in Richmond . Her family moved to Buhl , Twin Falls , Idaho in 1928 . Ivan hitchhiked all the way from Utah to Idaho to be with Clara after her family moved to Buhl . They were married 22 October 1930 in Buhl . After marriage , they moved and lived at the Coley Ranch in Richmond . They were later sealed 10 February 1932 in the Logan LDS Temple . An interesting side note , the great grandson of the Bishop who married them presided as the Bishop over Clara 's funeral . Ivan and Clara moved back to Buhl and survived the Great Depression there . They purchased a 160 acre farm in Melon Valley in Buhl . That farm was sold in 1961 and they purchased five acres just outside of Buhl and kept that property for 36 years . An unnamed son was born 12 February 1934 in Buhl . He died the same day . If I understood it correctly , this little boy was stillborn . Apparently he is buried on the McMurdie Farm in Buhl . I wonder if the present owner is aware of the grave or if it is marked ? Lorus Ivan Coley ( " Bud ) was born 1 August 1936 in Buhl . He died 23 October 1962 while on a hunting trip down near the Nevada border . Initially reported to me as an hunting accident , I later learned it appears to have been a murder framed to appear as a suicide . Apparently there is an open investigation ongoing at this time on this matter . I will be interested to learn the outcome of the matter . I was told there was an unnamed son born in 1938 who also died the same day who was stillborn . I do not have an exact date for this one so I suppose what makes me question it is that Clara 's obituary does not mention him . I will have to find out more from the family . In 1942 , Ivan 's father Herbert came to visit for part of the summer . At Ivan and Clara 's home near the well , he fell and broke his hip . This injury would lead to his death in September . Clara dedicated her life to love and care for her family and friends . Even into her late 60 's she was known to outrun her grandchildren . Ivan and Clara dedicated their lives to their grandchildren . Grandchildren often spent many nights , or even weeks , on the farm . Clara loved to quilt and made beautiful blankets . She also made rugs from all the fabric scraps . She was left - handed . She worked at a number of jobs including bus driver . Here is a photo from May 2012 . She was 98 years old and looked to be in great shape and pretty classy . I visited with her about this same time and she identified a number of individuals in photographs for me and still had a sense of humor . I have these two photos of the 1955 Coley Reunion in Richmond , Cache , Utah . These two pictures are obviously of the same group , the black and white one of much better quality , but I thought I would include the color one since it can add a dimension to the black and white ( since it is pretty blurry ) . The first picture seems like it was just for Coley descendants , but then spouses sneak in to the picture , so I really do not know what was the thinking for the shot . The second photo has a few more people I will need help naming , especially the younger ones . Let me know if there are corrections . ( Click on the photos to see them closer ) Back ( l - r ) : Blaine Thomson , Olof Neilson , Lloyd Coley , Ivan Coley , Art Coley , Golden Coley , Lillian Bowcutt , Hannah Thomson , Gay Coley , Betty Coley , Edna Neilson . Middle : Verda Coley , Carrie McMurdie , Clara Coley , Bill Thomson , Kathy Coley , RaNae Coley , Martha Coley , Gary Coley , Dean Coley , Stephen Coley . Front : Shirley Coley , Lillian Thomson , Mary Coley , Janice Coley , Joy Coley , Nina Coley , David Coley , Susan Thomson , Doug Thomson . Back : Blaine Thomson , Olof Neilson , Lloyd Coley , Ivan Coley , Bill Thomson , ? ( child held by Bill ) , Hannah Thomson , Gay Coley , Betty Coley , Edna Neilson . Two men in front of doors : Art Coley , Golden Coley . Second row from back : ? ( held child ) , ?, ? ( partially obscured woman in front of Blaine ) , Verda Coley , Carrie McMurdie , Clara Coley , RaNae Coley , ? , Martha Coley , ? , Steven Coley . Second row from front standing : Shirley Coley , ? , Evan Jonas , Lona Jonas , ? . Back row of sitting children : Dean Coley , Gary Coley , David Coley ( partially hidden ) , Stephen Coley , Bob Jonas . Second row of children sitting : Kathy Coley , ? , Doug Thomson , ? . Front row : Lillian Thomson , ? ( child held by Lillian ) , Ren Bowcutt , Lillian Bowcutt , Mary Coley , ? , Joy Coley , Janice Coley , Nina Coley , Susan Thomson . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Before you read this , please know that because some of the ideas are originally from Disney 's Frozen , I give half the credit to Disney for this story . I hope you like it , it took me about three months to get it all down after generating the ideas from my head . the * s are the beginning of a new part of the story , and will obviously be at the beginning . * " Uncle Tony , Uncle Tony ! Come on , it 's time for bed ! " Tonio was deep in his thoughts when his niece and nephew reminded him what time it was , " Alright , I 'm coming . " Every night , Tonio told the twins a story , and they loved all his stories ; stories about kings and queens , dragons , pirates , and much more . Tonio carried the wooden , rocking chair he was sitting in to their bedroom ; each had their own positions on either side of the room . Tonio placed his chair between their beds , and tucked them into bed . He sat down and was ready , " What story would you like to hear ? " They started arguing between each other ; his niece wanted to hear stories about queens , princesses , and ' civilized ' stories , while her brother wanted to hear stories about kings , dragons , pirates , and ' uncivilized ' stories . They continued to argue till their Uncle stopped them , " Enough , how about ' the Story of Fire ' ? " The nephew 's interests roused , " What 's it about ? " The niece was also interested , " Ya , it sounds nice . " Tonio was more than willing to say , " It is about the long lost prince who disappeared after his home had burned to the ground . " They both agreed , " We want to hear it , Uncle Tonio ! " " Ok , ok . Let 's see , how about we start on his seventeenth birthday ? " They just wanted to hear the story , so Tonio started , " Alright , let 's begin . " * Four years before the coronation at Arendelle , in the kingdom of la Estrella en Ascenso , a day of celebration had arrived ; this day was Prince Antonio Andrew Fénix Barreto 's seventeenth birthday . Antonio had short , dark - brown hair , hazel eyes , and wore : a white cape , white jacket , blue inner shirt , white pants , and white boots . People from miles around came to be present at this event ; some came to be happy that he has live another year , while others came to use him to gain profit . " Remember , it 's only today that this many people will be in the castle , try to hold it in . " , the King was trying to help remind Antonio what to do . However , Antonio was doubting himself , " But what if they find out ? What if they ' ignite ' my anger again ? What if … " " Enough thinking like that , you are my son ; I know you will be able to control it , no matter what . You remember what we said together , right ? " " If you feel it , don 't conceal it ; leave to a colder place to cool down . " The king smiled , " That 's right ; now let 's go , your guests await you . " As they walked down the halls , servants were opening curtains and putting out candles . They were ordered to do so whenever the prince was to walk down the halls . Antonio , unlike everyone else , had a power unlike any other ; he had the power to create and control fire since he was born . He was first able to use this power when he was five years old , and this power grew as he grew older . However , as a result of this power , he had a ' short fuse ' . If anyone were to make him angry , he would lose control and burn anything around him . His power couldn 't be contained , so the King and Queen thought it would be best to place him in a cold environment if he was to show signs of anger . However , even though he had more control over his flame as he aged , any fire he was near would intensify to a point it could burn anything around it . Eventually , the Prince and King had reached the Great Hall , also known as the Throne Room . Antonio recognized most of the people there , Miles away , he reappeared in a wasteland . However , unlike other wastelands , this one has absolutely no signs of life , not even dead plants can be seen . " This is what they see me as , a ' Heartless Monster ' . It 's time to prove them wrong . There may not be anyone around to see this , but now I shall build my own kingdom with MY power ! " He then slammed his fists into the ground , creating cracks in the earth . Within minutes , lava flowed through from the center of the earth , and he uses it to create a volcano around him . " This is where I shall contain and show my power , " but he knew there was more to build , " but now what about a castle to live in and a kingdom to rule ? " Upon saying this , he commanded more lave to form buildings and his new castle , resembling the kingdom he once lived in . He also created pools and rivers made of lava , allowing bridges to form over them . As the heat drastically increased , he created more and more , even creating life : he willed fire to become flesh and cloth , creating his new subjects . Inside his new castle , he created it to his liking . Once his work had been finished , he looked at himself in a mirror , " I am no longer a prince , I am now a king : a King of Fire . " He then melted his crown in his hand and transformed his outfit ; giving himself a black cloak , a black long jacket , black pants , black boots , a red inner shirt , and still wore the necklace he treasured . He went to a balcony to see his new kingdom , and his new subjects declared him their king . " I will keep the world out , I will not let my rage escape , and I won 't let anyone in . " With that , he ordered the only way into the mountain to be built and guarded at all times . * For years he stayed inside his mountain , ruling a self sustaining kingdom and training himself to have complete control over his power as well as his anger . He even puts his physical power to the test , risking sudden death climbing up and down the walls of the volcano , even suffering pain beyond imagine by submerging himself completely in lava . However he eventually recognized that he had been only focusing on his speed , agility , and his will to continue on , so he began training himself to use a sword or a spear . However , he still thought that there would be someone that would come , and he believed that the world was only out to anger him . So he ordered scouts to go out in all directions to make sure there were no civilizations within a thousand mile radius of the volcano . However , Antonio did keep an eye on many kingdoms , including his old home 's reconstruction . Eventually he began to wonder to himself , " Will anyone , besides those who live in my kingdom , ever be able to love me like family ? " But he would shortly deny the idea , saying to himself , " No , no one could possibly love me . They would sooner fear me because of my power . I could never be loved ; I won 't let anyone into my heart . " Eventually , he had heard word , from the scouts he sent , that only one kingdom was within the boarders Antonio had set . " My lord , " began one of them , " we have found a kingdom exactly nine hundred miles from the mountain , and a hundred miles from the frozen mountains . " Their king was troubled upon hearing this , " What is this ' kingdom ' you speak of ? " " Arendelle , my lord . " He was all too familiar to the name , for he had heard his father talking about it for some time , " Does it pose a threat ? " " No , my lord . They seem to be harmless ; they shouldn 't trouble us too much . " But Antonio knew that looks could be deceiving , " Don 't judge by the looks of the kingdom , a great empire can fall by a simple act . " " Forgive me , my lord . We … " the man hesitated , but his King wanted to hear it , " Cont * The journey took several days to get to Arendelle , but Antonio got there in one piece . It was exactly what it looked like in the mirrors . He had his hood down as he thought that people wouldn 't recognize him anyways . Talk was going around , and everyone was restless , especially near the gates . He then saw someone he recognized , " Excuse me ; are you the Duke of Weselton ? " The man hesitated , but he answered , " Yes I am , and who are you ? " Antonio was about to say his name , but he thought it best that , if anyone still recognized him , the less people who knew his true name the better , " My name is Atonixon Raxtebor . " " It 's nice to meet you . Now , what is it you want ? " " What 's with all the talk ? " The Duke was shocked , " You 're telling me you don 't know ? ! It is the coronation day of Princess Elsa of Arendelle . " " Does anyone know what the Princess looks like ? " " Not to my knowledge as the gates have been closed for years , but they will be opening today . Ah , their opening right now ! Nice talking with you , good day . " Antonio thought to himself , " Time to see her in person . " As he was walking towards the gate , he saw someone running from the gates , singing . " So that is the younger of the two , " Antonio assumed , " but why in the world is she singing ? " He quickly forgot her , and proceeded inside the castle . Using what little time he had , he began to search the castle for any paintings of himself or of the soon to be Queen . He had no luck with anything that looked like the other princess he had seen through his mirrors ; as he was about to give up on looking for anything of him , he found one . By the looks of it , the painting was one of many that were painted the day before his seventeenth birthday . While he was in mid thought , he heard a door begin to open . He hid behind a nearby door , and was looking through the crack . His visit to that hallway was rewarded ; he saw the Princess he came to see , Elsa . She apparently stopped in front of the painting . Antonio whispered to himself , " DoAfter the coronation , Antonio decided to have an official encounter with the newly named Queen of Arendelle . It didn 't take long to find her , and he decided to start a conversation with her , " Congratulations on becoming Queen , Elsa of Arendelle ; it is a pleasure to have met you in person . " She looked as if she was trying to figure out who he was , " Thank you , kind sir . Forgive me if I 'm being rude , but I must ask : Who are you , and where do you come from ? " Antonio hesitated , " My name is Atonixon Raxtebor , and I come from a kingdom exactly nine hundred miles from this kingdom . " " There is no kingdom within nine hundred miles from Arendelle ; I want a name of the kingdom you come from . " He had no choice , Antonio knew that she knew he was lying about his name as well , " I originally come from la Estrella en Ascenso , but I do come from a ' self sustaining ' kingdom exactly nine hundred miles from Arendelle . " Elsa apparently looked as if she almost knew who he was , but showed no other signs to confirm Antonio 's suspicions . Finally she said , " Are you aware of a tragedy that occurred over four years ago in that kingdom ? " He knew what she was talking about , " The one where the entire kingdom was burned to the ground and the Prince vanished ? I was there ; the King had ordered the evacuation of the entire kingdom , but few people know why as the king denied the cause of the fire to be revealed . " " Do you know what started that fire ? " " I am the Kings most trusted man . Yes , he told me . " " Then , could you tell me why ? " " I can 't , I swore to him I wouldn 't tell anyone his secret . " Antonio 's suspicions were confirmed , " I know you have been lying to me . Tell me the truth now , and I will allow you to leave this kingdom with your life ; even after having seen what I can do . " She wasn 't as brainless as Antonio would have liked to believe . Reluctantly , he told her , " The Prince was the cause of the fire . " " How is that so ? How , where , and why did he start the fire ? " " I willAntonio had gone about his business , trying to update himself with what was going on in the world before he went back to the mountain . The world seemed to do fine without him , but he heard , from a representative from la Estrella en Ascenso , that his parents were still morning over him leaving them over four years ago . Through the talks , Antonio laughed , smiled , and enjoyed the time he spent ; almost losing track of time . Eventually , he decided it was time to go , but he was stopped by hearing Elsa ordering the gates to be closed and that the party was over . He decided to stay a while longer as he knew what was about to happen , " At last , I will see the extent of her power ; she probably can 't control it at will like I can . " Antonio heard everything that was being said , but he found most of it to be useless as information , except for Anna 's name . Based off what he heard , the two sisters were once close , but now Elsa chooses to shut people out . This reminded Antonio of himself as he shuts the world out , but for different reasons . Then something happens that makes his day : As Elsa said " I said enough ! " a wall of ice had formed between her and everyone else . Antonio now smiled , " So , this is her power . Now they know as well . " He paid no attention to anyone else , Elsa was looking at him as he mouthed to her , " Now we share something in common . " When she made a run for it out of the castle , Antonio followed using a different route . By the time he saw her again , Elsa started running again after creating more ice . Antonio pursued her using the bridge , watching as she started turning the water to ice . However , he looked back to see what was happening to the kingdom once he had reached the other side of the bridge , Arendelle was starting to plunge into an eternal winter . He knew he had to return to the mountain , but decided to follow Elsa first . His smile grew larger , " I doubt that was the full extent of your power , Elsa the Snow Queen . I wish to see what more you can do ! " * As he expected , she went to the Snow Mountains , or as he learned other people called , the North Mountains . The place was nothing but snow , and because of the winter that Elsa has started , there was even more . If normal people were to go through this weather wearing what Antonio and Elsa were , they would freeze to death . However , due to his power , Antonio always felt warm . He assumed that , due to her power , Elsa was able to resist the cold as well . " Come on , show me the true extent of you power . " Antonio was waiting for her to do something , watching her from a ledge higher up the mountain they both were on . Instead of doing what Antonio was hoping for , Elsa started singing . This immediately started to annoy him , " Come on . Stop singing and do something . " Instead , he decided to listen to her . She apparently tried hard to keep in her fear and her power , and memories of Antonio 's past started to flood over his mind . He didn 't want to admit it at first , but he then believed that her present was his past . He snapped out of it after Elsa seemed to scream , turned out she had changed her look , crated a castle made of ice , and was done with her song . Once he was sure that she couldn 't see him , he climbed down from the ledge , and started walking towards the staircase . As he walked up the stairs , he was less and less impressed . He knew that the time used to create all this took the same amount of time it took to build his kingdom . Once he was at the castle doors , he didn 't bother knocking ; he went inside whether he was welcome of not . When he entered the castle , he was further disappointed ; there wasn 't much to see or any place to hide . The inside had two staircases that lead to a room above the one he was in , " May as well call this a tower instead of a castle . " He started walking up the staircase that leads to the right of the room above him , but he heard Elsa coming down the other way . He went up the stairs as fast as he could , but she saw him , " Hey ! Stop right there ! " Antonio didn 't stop ; he wa * Over a year , Antonio had started an internal war against himself . He didn 't know how , but his inner anger had started trying to take control over him . He spent his time trying to find was to ether contain it or to expel it , but it seemed to be in vain . He continued watching Elsa after his last ' encounter ' with her , then one day he thought , " Did that last talk trigger something inside me ? " He kept this in mind , thinking that was what had started what was happening to him . However , he knew he couldn 't hold it much longer , for the more he held it back , the more it grew . One week from his twenty second birthday , he found a solution , " If I can 't get rid of it , I may as well use it . " Over that week , he trained himself to control his anger , manipulating it so he could only use it in battle or when he was about to use his power . By the time he was twenty two years old , he had mastered his own rage . His final decision was that he would only use his anger during battle , or when his life was being threatened . But this still didn 't stop his anger from trying to take control , as this wasn 't enough . So he decided that if he were to create something meant for destruction , he would use his anger . However , the next day he found a way to both contain and expel his inner anger , and only use it whenever he wished . Antonio created a cage that only he could lock or unlock , made his anger another entity , and placed it inside the cage ; locking it inside . However , after placing his ' dark self ' inside the cage , he found that it wouldn 't keep it in for long ; He had to find a way to destroy it . Then , he remembered Elsa . He found a solution within seconds , " if I am correct , she will be stronger than last we met . I don 't believe she will willingly help me , so I 'll have to set up a situation ; she will have to be convinced I attacked her kingdom . When she begins to assault me , I will swap myself with my ' dark self ' , and when she has weakened him enough ; I will deal the finishing blow . However , I 'll have It has been exactly one year since her coronation , and Elsa has not yet taken any interest in finding a king . However , she personally doesn 't want to go much longer without one , so she decided she would try and see who she could find . Earlier in the year , she sent out invitations to many kingdoms , including la Estrella en Ascenso , to come help her decide who could become the future ruler of Arendelle alongside her . Today was the day they would all arrive , and she was getting nervous . She didn 't know if she would find the right one , or she would reject them all . For all she knew , some of them might not come or might try to take her life , but something was troubling her . She wasn 't sure why , but she felt as if something terribly was about to happen , or something bad enough has already happened . However , she had a fraction of this feeling ever since her last encounter with Antonio . " Elsa , are you in there ? " She had gone deep into thought and was startled by her sister . She opened the door , " What is it , Anna ? " " They 're here . " " I was expecting them later , where are they ? " " They 're all in the court yard , but not many have shown from the amount you sent for . " As they started walking towards the court yard , Elsa said , " I have the feeling something terrible is about to happen . " " Aw , you 're just nervous , what could possibly go wrong ? " Elsa knew whenever someone said that , almost everything went wrong . * Antonio had reached Arendelle within the day , and was waiting for Elsa to come out of the castle . During his wait , he meditated to further take control over his emotions while coming up with a full plan as to how he would destroy his new dark self using her . Eventually , he sensed Elsa came out of the castle , and was about to attack . However , something was wrong ; darkness was in the area . Antonio turned around , but then everything went black . When Antonio re - awoke , he was in chains ; suspended in mid air . He looked around , but all he saw was darkness . He tried harder , and saw images showing in front of him . Then he knew where he was , " He has trapped me in my own heart and has taken over my body . " He knew no one was safe . Elsa and Anna had many conversations with Anna on their way to the court yard , but memories of Antonio started to flash in Elsa 's mind . She didn 't know what to make of them , so she disregarded them . Elsa and Anna eventually reached the court yard , but only 17 people where there : three from France , four from England , two from the nearest kingdom , three from Spain , and five from la Estrella en Ascenso . Among them , there were only four princes . However , Elsa recognized the family without a prince ; the five from la Estrella en Ascenso had two guards , the King , the Queen , and the princess . She decided to talk with them , " Anna , thank you for walking with me . " Anna left after saying , " Any time . " Elsa started walking towards the family , " Good morning . How is your kingdom ? " The King had a happy look , but also seemed sad with his voice , " We have been able to fully rebuild what was lost many years ago , but some things can 't be replaced . " He cut himself of before saying anything more . The Queen explained , " The loss of our son has devastated him ; he hasn 't been the same since he left us . " The King apparently was able to pull himself together , " I 'm fine , it 's just . . . " He cut himself off , He was listening for something ; he was on alert , " Did you hear that ? " Elsa didn 't hear anything , " Hear what ? " The Queen confirmed him , " I heard it too . " The princess protested , " I didn 't hear anything . " Then , the king saw something , " There ! On that cliff ! It has gotten brighter ! " Everyone started looking to where the King was pointing , but what they saw horrified the King and Queen : A massive ball of fire was flying towards the court yard . Antonio watched in disbelief as he saw his darkness begin to set the entire kingdom on fire . He started to scream , " No ! Don 't do this ! Don 't harm them ! " However , the more Antonio protested , the more pain he had to endure from the chains . Over and over , he was subjected to pain a normal human would otherwise be unable to survive . Despite the torment , he continued to plead , " Stop ! Don 't do this ! You can 't harm them ! Destroy me instead ! " Then , a voice filled with dark power answered him , " You care for them . You want me to just ' end ' the both of us . There is no point to that , the pain and anger you feel only makes me stronger . Now watch as the entire kingdom burns to the grown ! " Antonio watched in horror as what the voice said he would do was done . Houses where going to ruin , people were running around in chaos , lives were taken ; despite all he could do , he was powerless in his situation . He even saw Elsa trying to put out the fires , but it was in vein . After two guards were killed , Antonio recognized them to be from his old home , " NO ! NOT THEM ! NOT MY FAMILY ! " With all his strength , he pulled on the chains . As a result , he was further exposed to pain . Antonio continues till the chains the wrapped around his legs broke . He tried again , " You will NOT hurt my family ! You will not cause any more harm to anyone ! " As his darkness was about to snap the necks of Antonio 's family , it stopped . Then the flames around the kingdom began to fade away before everything was completely burned . When he thought it was almost over , his darkness killed everyone who was not from the kingdom , but spared his family . Next thing he knew , Antonio was attacked with double the pain , causing him to want to further break free from his prison . Once he had broken another chain , he started dangling from the last chain . As he started to climb it , the pain started depriving him of energy . Once he had reached a wall , He use what strength he had left to break the final chain . The last thing he saw before falling was Els * " Where am I ? " Antonio was now in the dream world ; he was in a white room the size of a ball room . He was the only one in the room . He tried to look through the windows behind the curtains , but all he saw was light . He tried to open the doors , but they were all locked . Antonio tried to burn his way out , but no fire came . Then he remembered what had happened , " Am I dead ? " Unexpectedly , a man from behind him answered , " No , you are currently asleep . " Antonio turned to look at the man , but the man was covered win white robes and wore a white mask . The man continued , " I have brought you here so I can talk to you . " " Well , I 'm here , what is it you want ? " " First tell me , what are the last moments you remember ? " " I was falling , into darkness . There was no sound , no light ; just me falling . I thought I was lost , but then I saw a light in front of me . Next thing I knew , I was falling from the sky . The very last thing I remember was water , everywhere . " " Do you know why or how you came back from the darkness ? " Antonio started to ponder over it , " Now that I think about it , I don 't . " " It was I who brought you back . I still see potential in you for good . " Then , Antonio thought he heard something about the man 's voice that was familiar , " Sir , I think I heard your voice before . Please , tell me who you are so I might remember . " " I am he who willingly gave his life so that all could live . " Upon hearing this , Antonio fell to his knees , " It is you ! My lord , forgive me . I couldn 't control it , I know what I had done was wrong . Take my life if it will make amends for the wrongs in my life . " However , the man said , " Antonio , your wrongs have already been forgiven before they were done . It is up to you if you will accept it . " Antonio fell on all fours , " What if I don 't think I 'm ready ? " " Then give it some time , come back to me when you have reached a decision . Remember , you are not alone and you are always loved . " Light started to blind Antonio . Antonio awoke , he found himself in a prison . However , this wasn 't an ordinary prison , everything was covered in ice and snow ; the chains he wore where made of solid ice , and connected to the farthest wall from the door . He tried to break free , but the chains where too strong for him . He assumed he was still recovering from his fall . Then , through the door came his father , " Oh , my son ! You 're finally awake ! " The King threw his arms around Antonio , " we thought you would never wake up ! " Antonio was confused , " How long was I asleep ? " The King looked at Antonio as if he should have known , " You have been unconscious for a year . But that doesn 't matter now , you safe and you can come back home with us . " Antonio was in disbelief , " A year ? It seemed like only a few seconds . " Then he decided to respond to his father 's last statement , " I 'm sorry father , but I can 't go with you . " The king was confused and sad , " You belong with your family ; you belong with us . " " I say yes and no , father . Yes I belong with family , but I no longer belong with you . I have my own kingdom ; they need me as I need them . " " But you don 't have a kingdom , you haven 't taken any from anyone or I would have known . " " That 's what you don 't know , father . I created my own kingdom using my power , I created a volcano , a village , a castle , and I created life . I am a king now ; no longer a prince . Tell Elsa to let me go , and I will stay in my kingdom for the rest of my days , not causing any more trouble to the world . " " No , I don 't want to lose you again . Even if I did ask her , she knows you are too dangerous . She would not let you escape , that 's why she built this room ; she made it to restrain your powers and contain you . " " Who told her that this kind of prison would hold me ? " The King hesitated , " Your mother and I told her , we didn 't think she would imprison you " Antonio felt betrayed , " I trusted you all these years , only to find out you had helped imprison me ? ! " " Antonio , calm downThe King couldn 't believe what he heard ; his son didn 't want him anymore . Minutes later , Elsa came in with some guards , the Queen , his daughter , and Anna . Elsa was the first to speak , " What happened ? Are you all right ? " The King , still in disbelief , managed to say , " He 's gone . He doesn 't want to come back . I have failed him as a father . " Anna didn 't know what to think , " Elsa , what are you going to do ? " Her answer was simple , " I 'm going to bring him back , I will have a stronger prison for him . He is a grave threat to the world , and to us . " Normally , Princess Amelia wouldn 't say anything unless she was speaking to her parents ; she decided to speak her mind , " Don 't you dare hurt him ! If you do bring him back , bring him to me . " Everyone was in shock that she spoke , but eventually Elsa responded , " Why would I bring the most dangerous man in existence to you ? " Immediately , Amelia answered , " I have gained a power while no one was looking ; I now have the power over water . I have been practicing when I asked to be alone because I want to meet my older brother officially . I will be able to restrain his power . " " If that 's true , why didn 't you stop him when he was burning my kingdom ? ! " " I was not yet ready to reveal my power , and that wasn 't my brother that was destroying everything around him ; it was his darkness that killed all those people . " The king spoke before the argument continued , " Stop fighting ! I just want to see my son again . " Elsa agreed , " I will personally go to this ' volcano ' myself . " Amelia immediately protested , " I don 't trust you , I am going with you to make sure no harm comes to my brother . " Anna was excited , " I 'll come alone too ! " Elsa protested , " Not this time Anna , it 's too dangerous . " Anna countered , " It was the same thing when I went looking for you two years ago , how bad could it really be ? " * By the time they had reached the North Mountains , Antonio had already made it to his Volcano . He was constantly pacing back and forth in his meditation chamber . Then he decided to stop , and sit on the floor with his legs crossed . He closed his eyes , and tried to communicate to the person he had talked to through a dream , " Are you there ? " He answered , " I am always with you wherever you go . " " Do you mind me asking a few questions ? " " I will provide the answer . " " Am I truly free from myself ? " " That is for you to decide . It is the same with the dark ; it is your choice to decide if you will use it . There is also the light , and it is also your choice if you wish to use it . " " Is it possible o destroy the darkness ? " " Yes , but that won 't be until you are with me . Only when you are with me and my father will you be made perfect . " " So should I accept it until the day comes ? " " You have to accept that it is there , but you don 't have to accept it entirely . Let the Spirit be your guide and you will go where you need to be . " " I understand , I will listen as closely as I am able . " " I thought you should know , you have more power than you think you have . Your sister was born with power over water , as were you . " " What ? I have always thought I was born with power over fire , how is it I can also control water ? " " It is more than just water ; you have a hidden power sleeping within you . Only when you are worthy of it will it be unlocked . " " How will I know when I am worth ? " " You will know when the time comes . " " Thanks for talking with me . " I will listen whenever you need me . I think you should know , Elsa , Anna , and your Sister are coming . " As the conversation ended , Antonio tried to create water . It took a few minutes of concentration to create it , but within an hour he had mastered control over water . Then a thought came to mind , " Maybe I can make my kingdom stronger with both water and fire . " He first experimented by changing some of the lava to water , and divi * Before the sun began to set , Elsa , Ana , and Amelia had reached the gates at the base of the volcano . Anna was impressed , " This place is amazing . " Elsa tried to take it off her sister 's mind , " Remember why we are here , we have no time to look at this . " Amelia taunted , " I bet this is more than what you have done in the past . " Elsa ignored the comment , and was about to break down the doors when they began to open . Anna was starting to get excited , " Look like he 's expecting us . " A man stood at the entrance , " My king summons you to his chambers ; he has ordered you are to go there immediately . If you should resist , it will be met with appropriate force for your ' talents ' . " They dismounted the horses they rode , and followed their escort into the volcano . As soon as they had gotten inside , they were in awe ; the inside of the volcano was unlike anything they could have imagined . Amelia was the first to manage to say something , " I never knew that he was capable of this ; he has created a kingdom out of nothing ! " Anna also managed to speak , " This place can take your breath away , and wow is it hot in here ! " The escort replied , " We are use to is as we were born out of the fire our king used to create life , we are now stronger because of a power he has recently discovered . " Elsa was curious , " What ' power ' has he now ? " He was against what she said , " It is not my place to tell you . If you wish to know , ask him yourself . " Once they had reached the castle , Amelia then recognized the kingdom , " This place is similar to my home , even the castle looks the same . " Once they were inside the castle , they were further amazed ; Elsa was still not impressed . Eventually , they stopped at a door , " My king will see you now . " The door opened , and they were forced inside ; the door closed behind them . Despite their best efforts , nothing worked . From the darkness of the room , a familiar voice spoke , " Welcome to my kingdom , I hope you like it ; I made it myself . However , you don 't look ver * On multiple occasions , Elsa tried to impale Antonio with her ice ; ether Amelia blocked the attack by heating the ice to water , or Antonio melted it . Elsa 's strategy was simple : kill Antonio . However , this seemed to fail every single time . Amelia 's strategy was to encase Antonio in water and have Elsa freeze the water , but she was so far unsuccessful to encase the water around him . Antonio 's strategy was to simply defend himself from all attacks while try to subdue both Elsa and Amelia . Eventually , Anna was almost burned , so Elsa changed strategies so she would not only try to end Antonio , but also protect Anna . As time went on , the throne was destroyed and the walls went to ruin . The voice had spoken to Antonio , " The end is coming , choose your decision wisely . " With that , Antonio ran out the room towards the throne room , followed by Elsa , Amelia , and then Anna . As they all raced down the hall , blows were exchanged between Antonio with Amelia and Elsa , resulting in a path of destruction . When Antonio had reached the door to the throne room , a blast of ice came from behind and he was sent flying towards the throne ; ending up standing on the throne . Antonio was not happy , " No holding back any more ! " Elsa was surprised , " You mean it has been easy because you have been holding back ? " Anna couldn 't help herself , " He is braver than I thought . " Elsa gave Anna a look that said ' don 't say anything ' . Amelia challenged her brother , " Then show us your full strength , Antonio . " He smiled , " As you wish . " The heat in the room intensified , as did any existing flames in the room . To make things worse for the three , Antonio summoned a wall of fire surrounding the room , preventing anyone from leaving . What surprised Elsa and Amelia further ; Antonio had summoned two cutlasses created from fire into his hands , twirled them a bit , and then took a stance that signaled to them he was ready . However , what he didn 't expect was Elsa summoning a rapier made of ice to her right hand , and his sister summ * The nephew was curious , " He didn 't die , did he ? He couldn 't have . " The niece agreed , " It can 't be the end ! " Tonio already had something to say , " Most of the time , the story is told simply like that . However , it doesn 't tell the last part . " They asked together , " What happened next ? " Tonio didn 't hesitate , " Antonio was still alive , but was barely hanging on . He used enough strength to reform his hand from the ashes to try and get his sister 's attention . She , of course , noticed the hand , and used her power to bring him back . Before he had regained conciseness , she left . Elsa found out he was still alive , and went back to the throne room . Amelia tried to stopper , but when Elsa got to the throne room ; no one was there . " The niece was confused , " What happened to Antonio ? " Tonio somewhat hesitated , " To this day , no one knows where he went . Some say he died , some say he was unable to regain himself ; what really happened was he went into hiding , never to be seen again . " The nephew was curious , " Is he still alive ? " Tonio looked as if he were emotionless when he answered , " No one knows . If they knew where he went , they would know if he is alive . Oh , look at the hour ; time to go to sleep . " As they were getting to bed , they asked , " When are you coming back ? " Tonio had a smile , but looked sad , " Not for a while , I have to get back home to take care of some things . I promise I 'll be back for your Birthday . " The twins smiled , " we know you never break your promises . " Antonio turned off the light , " Good night . " They covered themselves with their blankets , " Good night , see you in three months . " As Tonio was about ready to leave , someone came into the living room , " Leaving without saying goodbye , brother ? " Antonio turned to see his sister , " Sorry , I thought you were sleeping , Mia . " They hugged each other , and then Tonio reached for his coat . Mia was worried , " do you really have to go again ? I hardly get to see you anymore . I don 't want it to be like before . " Tonio reassured her , " Yo know she is looking for me . I have to keep moving if I don 't want to be found . " As he started putting on the coat with a hood , the cloths he was wearing turned black ; he let his necklace with a flame engraved drop out of his coat . Mia looked at it , " Pease come back soon , I miss you . " Tonio smiled , " You know I never break a promise . " Mia smiled too , " I know , see you in three months . " As Tonio was about to open the door , he asked Mia , " How long has it been since I called you by your real name ? " Mia replied , " Over a hundred years ago . " Tonio put up hit hood , " Until next time , Amelia . " With that , he closed the door behind him . Amelia whispered , " See you soon , Antonio . " Antonio started walking past the fence of his sister 's house , when he noticed it started to freeze over . It was almost winter but nothing should be freezing as fast as the fence did . Antonio then noticed snow begin to fall . As he looked at each individual flake , he noticed one of them looked familiar ; the signature snow flake of the Snow Queen . He knew she was need , along with another ' currently invisible ' person . Antonio looked sad , " Time to return home . " In a flash of fire , He vanished . 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My parents were 16 years old when I was born . They converted from being Catholic to Protestant . We went to church four times a week . My family was really loving in the beginning . My dad was ambitious to fit in , to be white and middle class . He went to night school and got his degree at age 18 . He started teaching himself Greek and Hebrew because he wanted to be able to translate the Bible from its original languages . I was also deeply religious . When my brother would cry , I would say , " Paul , don 't cry . Jesus said , ' Let not your heart be troubled , neither let it be afraid . ' " I was a Bible - quoting little kid . When I was 7 my mother got diagnosed with severe kidney disease . Her body would have rejected a kidney transplant , so essentially what they did was wait for her to die . This took about two and a half years . They used her as a guinea pig to try new drugs . Some of the medications really made her go mad . Sometimes my dad would drive her to the hospital and she would try to jump out of the car because she wouldn 't recognize him . During that time my dad started changing . He was working really hard to pay the hospital bills . He had to get up in the morning , get us ready for school , go to work early , then go to see my mom after work and bring her home . The thing is , my dad had been very violent as a kid . He was in a gang before he became a Christian . When my mother got sick it snapped and he started becoming violent again . He started hitting us . Obviously there 's grief and stress , you know , all this shit , but he had no skills to handle it . Once when I was learning my multiplication tables he asked me to memorize them . I was supposed to memorize all 144 equations . He told me that for every one that I missed I was going to get two whips with the belt . I missed five . He took it personally and saw it as rebellion . My mother was at the house at that time and he was like , " Ok pull your pants down and bend over the couch . " My dad was yelling , " He knew what he was doing and he deserves this . " My mom kept crying and begging him not to hit me . Finally he said , " You don 't want me to hit him ? Then you come over here and do it . " And he said , " Well if you don 't I 'm going to hit him extra hard . " He put the belt in her hand and made her hit me ten times . She hit me so feebly because she was sick , and stupidly I didn 't cry . So my dad felt like she didn 't hit me hard enough and he whipped the shit out of me . That was the stuff that was starting to go on when my mother was very sick . When I was 9 , she died . She was 26 years old . We were getting bigger so I think he felt like he needed to subjugate us more . At church everyone thought he was this wonderful godly young man . He became a widow and has these two lovely kids . Then he met my stepmother Brenda . She was 20 when he was 27 . She was Irish - American . It was odd to have her drop into a family in a Mexican neighborhood . We were just a sea of brown people and then she showed up . Fifteen months after my mother died they got married . She was wonderful . She loved my dad , thought he was this impressive Bible - loving college pastor . She canned jellies , made curtains for our room , did everything . She was introducing us to all this new food like Key Lime pie and hamhocks , shit that I wasn 't accustomed to eating . We wanted to be as white as possible , so she was very helpful in that way . The noblest thing he ever did was to quit being a pastor . He said : " You know , if I want to be a servant of God , I have to have my home right before I can go to church . My home life isn 't right , so I need to leave the ministry . " That was the only ethical thing he had ever done in my eyes . He went to work for New York Life Insurance Company . He was very successful , a born salesman . Brenda became his secretary , which was the beginning of the end . She started having an affair with the guy who was in the office right next to her . Apparently there were some pictures taken of her and him so the office knew about this thing and my dad was very humiliated . He stopped going to work . She divorced him . He went bankrupt . He started working bullshit little jobs , when he was working at all . We just became punching bags . One time , I was 16 and my brother was 14 and we were in the kitchen . My brother was washing dishes and I was drying them . My dad came in and just sucker - punched my brother in the back of the ribs . My brother winced . My dad leapt up and grabbed my brother 's hair and dunked his head into the soapy dishwater . He held it there for a second and then lifted it up . My brother was trying to breathe . Water was coming out of his nose . I was paralyzed . My dad did this three times . Then when he was done , he lifted his head out of the water , leaned in and he said : " You should have died instead of your mother . " The violence was escalating so much in our home I started thinking that he wanted us dead . I was forced to be something that was very difficult for me to accept about myself , which was a coward . The helplessness that I felt made me consider suicide . Six months later he got a new girlfriend . She was slow , but super - sweet . My dad could easily manipulate her . She took us out to a steak dinner one night and I begged her to not be with my father . I told her that he beats us . I lifted up my knife and said , " The next time he hits me I 'm going to stab him . " She said , " That doesn 't solve anything . Violence is crazy . " Smarter words were never spoken . But for whatever reason , I had that impulse to pick up that steak knife and say that . My father suspected that I told her something . He said , " Susie told me what you told her and I 'm not mad , I understand . " For the first time he was taking the high road . I was so relieved that I wasn 't in trouble , I felt safe for a moment . It was the first and last time I would ever confess to a crime . Because I expressed some sense of relief , he was like , " So you did tell her . " He was fishing and I was a knucklehead . I had given myself up . He picked up the teapot and threw it at me . I ran to the bedroom and then it was on . He started beating the fuck out of me . I went to the hospital that night with a broken rib , fractured elbow and a massive concussion . He beat my brother on the way out of the house too . Later , when I got back home he went down to 7 - Eleven to break up with Susie because we didn 't have a phone . When he left I told my brother to lock himself in the bathroom . I went to the kitchen pulled out a steak knife and put it under the pillow . I sat on my bed and waited . He came back for round two , he came into the room and saw this long bar with weights on it in the corner of the room . I didn 't know what the fuck he was going to do because the bar was too big to be swung around . I pulled the knife out from under the pillow and stood up . He started coming at me saying , " Put that knife down , put that knife down . " I charged him and swung the knife . He put up his left arm to block it but I had enough power to go over his arm . He turned his neck away from me and I stabbed him in the back of the neck about an inch from his spine . I just drove it into the soft part of his neck , then twisted it and tried to break it off . He screamed out , " You killed me ! " and he dropped . I stepped over him to leave the bedroom and said , " You did this to yourself . " My brother was already at the front door and I yelled , " Go , go , go " and started to run . I was scared to death . This man had been beating me with impunity for all those years and I had this fear that he was like King Kong , that he 'd take the knife out of his neck , chase me and kill me . We to my Aunt 's house . I told her that I killed my dad because I thought a neck - shot was a kill - shot . She called the police but when they got there he was gone . He had picked himself up and pulled the knife out . He didn 't want to live , so he took all the pills that were in the medicine cabinet . But there wasn 't much there . He drove to a park and sat in his car waiting to die . But the LAPD came across him . This was back in the 70 's when angel dust was a big thing , and the justification for beating everyone was that they were on angel dust . So they pulled him out of the car and they beat the fuck out of him cause they said he was resisting arrest . At one point while beating him they realized he was gushing blood from the neck and they were like , " We didn 't stab him ! What the fuck just happened ? " He told them that his son had stabbed him . They took him to the psychiatric hospital . I was taken to the police station and interrogated . This was before I knew my dad was still alive . I had a sense of a recovery that was very powerful . The cop started telling me that I was going to be charged with attempted murder . This was 1976 so there wasn 't the understanding of child abuse that happened years later . He had no sense that when you have been beaten like that you 're afraid to leave . I was in a holding room with my brother . The social worker came in . I said I wasn 't feeling well . The adrenaline had stopped and all of a sudden I was in pain . They took me to the hospital and sure enough they found out that I was being abused . There was no more talk about attempted murder shit . We were put into foster care . My dad went to court to try to get us back . He took it seriously , made us feel safe , would come and apologize . Senior year we went back to live with him . He never raised a hand to us again and was completely submissive . There was this elaborate doubleness when I came back that involved praying every day and family day on the weekend , but I had disgust for my father . I looked down on him for being weak and letting me dominate him . But then I felt horribly guilty because I was supposed to be a child of God . The other thing that started happening was about every three or four months I felt the urge to do something violent . That feeling of stabbing my father was the most powerful moment of my life . On some cellular level I was re - fashioned . My imagination had completely altered me in a way that humans are not supposed to be altered . I wanted to be a Christian and I wanted to love Jesus , but the only authority above my father was God and I had swiped my father right off the pedestal . I was looking God straight in the face and going , " You know what , you 're not even here . " I became Godless . I also became really materialistic . I was tired of being poor . I had this new sense of entitlement , like , " I 'm big . I 'm dynamic . " I wanted the world . There was a dark part of my ambition , " I deserve this . I 'm going to get it . And if you don 't give it to me , woe be to you . " I decided I needed to make money , fast . I tried almost every get - rich - quick scheme , and started borrowing from friends . I would hang out with my Christian friends , borrow from them and not pay them back . I became scandalous . I had burned every one I knew so I couldn 't borrow any more money . I started defrauding employers . I was hustling . Eventually I had a Mercedes Benz and a BMW . I was only 23 . I was stealing cars . Santa Barbara finally figured out that I was doing something wrong , so they kicked me out . I went back to Los Angeles and met some guys on a golf course who were making a lot of money in real estate . I told them that my uncle had a chop shop in Mexico and that any time I wanted to invest money he would get me twenty thousand back for my ten thousand dollars . I appealed to the larceny in their hearts and ended up with thirty thousand . Of course I never paid them back . Eventually I had warrants in five counties in Southern California : Santa Barbara , Los Angeles , San Diego , Riverside and San Bernadino . So I hit the road , took off to Mexico as a fugitive . I thought I was a bad - ass criminal , but in Mexico I met real criminals . I got robbed . I needed money because I was a fugitive now and only had four thousand dollars left . When you 're a criminal that 's nothing . You 're so impulsive you buy everything . Defrauding was out of the picture , so the next thing was to notch it up to robbery . I had never robbed a liquor store or a 7 - Eleven . I 'd never robbed anyone with a gun . But I knew at fucking 7 - Eleven I was going to get like 73 dollars and 5 cents . I can 't be going back and forth robbing the liquor store every other day . I was a Mexican , and the idea of the Bandido was in my head . Pancho Villa , the folk hero of Mexico used to cross the border and rob banks and post offices and then return to Mexico . It seemed like it was my only option . I thought I could make a lot of money . So I got into the United States in a stolen car and went to rob a bank one day . I started at nine in the morning walking in and out of banks all day long , scared shitless . I 'd write a note , stand in line , tear it up and walk outside . I 'd get stomachaches and shit . I would always exit the bank at various stages of the robbery . Sometimes , I would walk in and just walk right out . This went on all day long . Finally , it was 4 : 45 and the banks closed at 5 so I needed to shit or get off the pot . I had parked my car in San Diego proper , about twenty minutes from the border . I walked into a bank , went to the cashier and handed her a note . It said , We have a bomb . I have a gun . Give me the money now . It was a mistake that taught me a lesson : If you give someone something too scary to concentrate on , they 'll be too scared to go to the next step . She just kept her eyes on it . She must have read it ten times . I finally started pulling the note back , but she was pulling it to her . We were doing this little tug - of - war with the note and I mumbled , " I 'm not fucking around , give me the money . " I pretended like I was reaching for a gun . She panicked and gave me the money . It was that easy . I walked out real quick and started booking . I was running down the street . When I looked back there was like five men chasing after me , in various stages of ill health , so I wasn 't in any fear of being caught . I was putting massive distance between us at very high speed . I jumped in a cab and I had it take me to the border and drop me off . I thought for sure the border would be closed by that time so I went to a Motel 6 and stayed there over night . The next morning I went to K - Mart and picked up a case of Dr . Pepper , my favorite drink , which they didn 't have in Mexico . I got on the freeway , which was clogged with traffic . There 's was no backing up now because all these other cars are behind me . I realized I was fucked . The Highway Patrol closed the border . They were checking for stolen cars going to Mexico . But I thought I was slick and could talk myself out of it . I 've got whiteness all over me because I went to private schools . But I was a fucking idiot . I got busted in a stolen car . They arrested me for the five warrants . They had no idea I 'd robbed that bank . I spent two years in prison . In those years that I was in prison , all I knew was that when I get out , I 'm robbing banks . I had elevated myself to Bank Robber . I got out of prison and waited a month . I wanted to bust a nut , you know , to get some sex . Then for fourteen months I went on a bank - robbing spree . I robbed approximately thirty banks . I robbed two in one day . I robbed four in one day . I robbed a vault for $ 32 thousand . One day I robbed a bank and I was so mad at the small amount of money I got that I walked into the bank next door , robbed it and walked out . I would typically rob them when I got angry . The time I robbed four banks was because I woke up in the morning and said , " You know what , I don 't want to keep robbing and coming home with ten or twelve thousand dollars . I want to rob one day and make like fifty . " So I told myself , " Don 't come back until you have fifty thousand dollars . " Finally , I robbed this bank in Lakewood and picked up a transmitter . At the time transmitters were new technology . They put them in the center of money and would wrap it with rubber bands . I had picked up exploding dye packs before . Once one exploded on me when I was walking out of the bank . I barely got away because I was running with this bag with red smoke coming out of it . Tear gas got in my eyes . I was blinking , trying to keep my eyes open . Another time I brought one home that didn 't explode . Normally they would explode twenty feet out of the bank - really explode . The first one that exploded put a big hole in my nylon fanny pack . There was a guy who ran out with it once , put it in the front of his pants and got his left nut blown off . He sued the bank . So after that every time I robbed a bank , I would find the money held the exploding dye pack and set it aside . I went after slim packs of money or , if they were medium - sized , I would pick them up and fan through it . This time , I opened the bag and all the money was in small packs . So I 'm like , " Okay , no dye pack in here . " Several miles away I was surrounded by cops with a helicopter over my head . When I robbed the bank I had three or four sweatshirts on , plus a loud , red madras cotton shirt and bright baby - blue jacket . I wanted them to notice my clothing and not look at my face that much . So I looked really fat because of the sweatshirts even though I was thin in those days . I took off all the extra clothes and put them in a bag and threw it in the gutter . I was left wearing shorts and a UCLA tank top and topsiders . When the cops picked me up , they put me on the sidewalk and brought over the two women who I just robbed . The women looked at me , but I didn 't look anything like the man who just robbed them . So they were like , " No , that 's not the guy who did it . " But I 'm still with the money . The police said to each other , " Maybe he 's not the robber but he 's probably an accomplice , because he has the money . " They locked me up . " Fascinating story . I 'm at May Company . I drive in the parking lot , go do some shopping , but forget that I left my wallet in the car . So as I come walking back to my car , I see this really fat man in a loud red madras cotton shirt and a baby blue jacket . He comes running by and throws something into my car then he takes off . I open it and it 's money . I took off and you guys catch me a few miles later . That 's why those women didn 't recognize me . " They kinda bought it , but at the same time they didn 't . They had photos of a guy who they nicknamed the Beirut Bandit because he spoke such good English that they didn 't think he was Mexican . But he was dark like a Mexican , so he must have been from Pakistan or India or Lebanon or somewhere . They noticed that the Beirut Bandit looked an awful lot like me . A day and a half later when I went to my arraignment , I was thinking they were going to pretty much have to let me go , only to find out they 'd brought to court sixteen pictures of the Beirut Bandit . They said , " Your Honor , we want 100 , 000 dollars bail because we 're at sixteen and counting . This man is the Beirut Bandit . " I was fucked , until my Aunt put up her house and made bond . I got out and robbed five more banks . I taught my uncle - who looked like me but was 4 or 5 inches shorter - how to rob banks . He was a complete idiot . But I got what I wanted from him . One time he robbed this bank and was running to my car . He looked like fucking Keystone Cops kind of shit . He had this big crowd running after him . It was like HELP , the Beatles movie where they 're running and everyone 's chasing them . He ran through traffic , almost got hit , crossed this really busy street , so nobody else follows him . This truck that was in the traffic started chasing my car down the street . I took off and I was going so fast on a residential street that by the time I saw this major dip in the road where I 'm supposed to be going 15 miles per hour I was going like 85 or 90 . By the time I put on the brakes , I hit that thing and was in the air . The truck driver told the cops , " I think he busted his oil pan , because he went flying in the air when he hit that dip . " Sure enough , I did pop my oil pan . My car had stalled so I pulled it to the side of the road and parked . I crossed the street and went into a Smorgasbord restaurant that had tinted windows to keep it cool so the food on the buffet wouldn 't go bad . Right when I walkedin , I looked out at my car across the street . The cops pull up , look under my car and saw all this oil coming out . I went to the cashier and said , " excuse me , can I use your rest room ? " Instead of going into the rest room , I booked into the kitchen . I ran out the back down this alley , straight into a dead - end fence . But the fence was to the Los Angeles River , and it was dry . I scaled it , jumped down to the cement riverbed and ran . It was fucking hot , but I was able to make it out of the neighborhood because they were looking for me on the streets . I climbed a fence a block away from a high school where the kids were having lunch . I went to a parking lot , where some guys were hanging out by a truck . I said , " Hey listen , my car broke down , I need to get to Del Taco on the other side of the Freeway , " because I had seen a Del Taco . " Twenty bucks just to take me over there . " One of the guys said , " Jump in the back . " I was in the middle with two guys . We passed my car with all these cops around it and the guys were like , " Wow , I wonder what happened down there . " We got to Del Taco , I called my brother . " Hey Paul , come pick me up man , I 'm in trouble . " He came by and took me home . That night , with my friend , we decided we 'd go rent a movie . When we passed my house , I saw the police were there . I said , " Take me back to your house . " He called the FBI agent who said , " Have Joe call me . " So I call him and he said , " Your dad told me you swore on your mother 's grave that you weren 't in that bank . So here 's what I 'm going to do for you . I 'm going to personally take this surveillance tape downtown tomorrow morning . Call me in the afternoon . There 's not going to be any bullshit about me tracking your call . Just call me and let 's do this . " So , I called him the next afternoon and he said , " Listen to what I 'm going to say . You have a double . " They knew it wasn 't me because they have all these markers in the bank that tell how tall someone is . So in all my pictures the counter 's waist high , and in this guy 's pictures the counters higher because he is five inches shorter than I am . Those little poles that have the rope all measure your legs on the way out . All that shit in the lobby is used to measure your height . He could tell that the guy was much shorter than me , but he looked like me because he was my uncle . When the FBI went to the bank tellers a few hours later they had pictures . They asked , " Did one of these guys rob you ? " Both tellers pointed to me . Then they found my car . But now they had evidence that it 's not me . All these tellers had picked me out of the pictures . Now if those two women who had just been robbed picked out me , and it wasn 't me , then all those other bank robbery identifications become suspect , because now there 's a guy who looks like me . So the FBI agent said , " Tell your lawyer what just happened here . " All of a sudden their case of all those guys who " looked like me " went down the drain . And they scramble and say , " We 'll give you eight years if you plead guilty to the three bank robberies , " because they had me on those three . I was like , " Where do I sign ? " Otherwise I was looking at 36 years . That 's how I got eight years . The FBI agent said , " You know what Joe , I still think you were in that car , but I 'm not going to pursue that . " He really liked me . In the back of a car once when we were going to the arraignment , he told me , " I never met anyone like you in my eighteen years of doing this . I still believe in you . You 're going to have to do time , but I 'm not going to wash you up . " When I came out , I wrote my first Op Ed for the L . A . Times . He contacted me and was like , " I just read your piece today , and I feel good . I knew you would turn around , man . " It was really cool . Al Pacino , Robert DeNiro , Paul Newman , Robert Redford , Brad Pitt , George Clooney , John Travolta , Warren Beatty , all these sex symbols played bank robbers . They 're attractive . They 're likable . Serial killers are always going to be represented as monstrous and demented so you can 't relate to them , eating each other 's eyeballs , skinning them and all this shit . When I talk to people about robbing banks , it 's interesting to me how many would say , " I thought about robbing a bank . " They never said , " I thought about raping someone in the ass " or kicking someone almost to death or kidnapping someone . Bank robbing is a sexy crime . People learn how to be criminals by watching movies . They mimic the posturing of these guys . There is this romanticization even among the criminal class . After the Civil War a lot of people were suffering ; they were very poor . To go and rob banks was to stab authority in the eye . That 's why these guys became folk heroes . Then in the Depression there was Baby Face Nelson . There were Bonnie and Clyde . People were getting into the drama of it all . There have been some performances where I 've walk away and said , " That actor really got it . " There 's a movie called " The Believer " with Ryan Gosling about this Jewish kid who was a neo - Nazi . It 's based on a true story . I walked out of that movie and was like , " I knew that guy in prison . " Ryan Gosling could have walked the prison tier with that posturing and convinced anybody . A lot of criminality is performance . I like to talk to my friends who are criminals about both crime movies and prison movies . We think Shawshank Redemption is a fucking silly movie . On the other hand , most of my friends dig Dead Man Walking . The thing I like about Sean Penn 's character is that he was complicated . You wanted to like him but he was also a fucking crazed murderer . We know all these men have done something monstrous and we have seen ourselves as monstrous at times . Sean Penn 's character dies at the end . He doesn 't end up on the beach in Mexico emancipated . He gets fried . At the end the father of the victim , he doesn 't feel the relief that he thought he would feel . It 's pretty amazing . I have list of movie scenes that are my favorite scenes . One is the scene with Marlon Brando in The Godfather with the kid , where he 's playing with the orange . Another is in Long Good Friday at the end where Bob Hoskins ' character gets busted by the IRA . For the last 30 seconds of the movie you see his face go through six phases of grieving . When I saw A History of Violence , I thought Cronenberg caught something that violence truly is . When violence makes contact with you , it intersects with you in a way that is so surprising and shocking . And if you 're committing a crime it slows down . When I robbed banks , it was almost an eye - of - the - storm type of moment . You 're absolutely present . Your body is feeling more vital than it ever will . You are confronting your mortality , your life is now completely altered and you will always experience the vibrations of that moment . In A History of Violence , when the robbers come into the restaurant and start robbing the place , that was meditated , so we saw it coming . What we didn 't see coming was that coffee pot , and it killed him , just like that . Through the whole movie you see Mortensen 's character being quiet and passive and peaceful and loving . Then all of a sudden … That was so wonderful . It was so in the moment and alive . More importantly , it showed Mortensen 's character having to grapple with his history . And we , who have changed our lives , we know what it is to be haunted . We know what it is to have to deal with the memories . I walk in a room and I know what I would do if something happened . I just cannot stop . If I walk into a bank I automatically know where the cameras are , without even intending to . I immediately see what can be turned into a weapon ; I was trained to that kind of violence . So when we see this guy trying to be ethical and trying to kill off his past and it comes back , we feel for him . Because there have been moments when we 've had to wrestle with what we would do if we were in a situation where we needed to bring out our violence . When I see this movie I am totally moved by how these choices keep coming to him . I also loved the end of A History of Violence , when Mortensen 's character walked into that kitchen . You don 't know if his family life is going to be mended ; every one goes into default family mode . He sits down and the mother seems to accept that he 's going to be at the table , but that 's not hope . That 's not achieving reunion . That could be just his last dinner with them before she kicks him out of the house forever . It made me wonder what his redemption would look like . What would the healing in this family look like ? I was drawn into the human drama of it , and the lack of resolution , because that had been my life in so many ways . When I started writing all my friends who are ex - cons , said the same thing : " Joe , let them know that we 're funny . " We 're talking about guys who did serious things . That 's one of the reasons I have problems with Michael Mann . Because there 's never humor . Criminals are funnier than Michael Mann makes them . We 're goofy . Convicts love Elmore Leonard because he makes criminals funny . His characters might not be exactly like criminals are , but they 're humorous , they make fun of each other , they insult each other , they tell jokes that are raunchy , and they laugh at other people . Joseph Wambaugh works too , because he is the other side of the coin ; he gets the cops and has them joking . You know cops struggle with suicide , they struggle with alcoholism , but they 're a fraternity , like we 're a fraternity . I also like James Ellroy . Because his mother was killed , he gets it . He gets that moment . He understands the randomness of it , the acute confusion and complete surprise . It 's like he 's just flipping his soul inside out . You can see the scars . You almost get an alcoholic rant . " You 're really suffering , but man is this interesting . " I 've met men like him . In a way he 's become a criminal on the page . He 's taken the energy that of criminality and turned it into art . Welcome to TheRumpus . net . We don 't say that lightly - we 're thrilled you 're here . At The Rumpus , we 've got essays , reviews , interviews , music , film , short fiction , and poetry - along with some kick - ass comics . We know how easy it is to find pop culture on the Internet , so we 're here to give you something more challenging , to show you how beautiful things are when you step off the beaten path . The Rumpus is a place where people come to be themselves through their writing , to tell their stories or speak their minds in the most artful and authentic way they know how , and to invite each of you , as readers , commenters or future contributors , to do the same . What we have in common is a passion for fantastic writing that 's brave , passionate , and true ( and sometimes very , very funny ) . ( more ) |
I never learned to keep house . In high school , I had a typical clean - up routine prior to my parents ' return from work : throw out old periodicals / newspapers , put dishes in dishwasher , vacuum living room , start dinner . I was a busy student with lots of activities . That routine managed to keep any additional demands at bay . When I lived alone , I cleaned before I had visitors . Fortunately , I entertained frequently . No , I didn 't clean very well . Anyway , who needs fussy friends ? When I started this job as a SAHM , I bought or borrowed a few books on the subject . I paid some attention to commercials . ( I learned a lot about cleaning from commercials ) . I hired a cleaning lady and tried to follow her around once . She didn 't like that . A friend gave me the " Flylady " book . I read it until I got to the part about CHAOS ( can 't have anyone over syndrome ) . The premise was that my messy house was causing me a great deal of embarrassment and consternation . The book implied that I wasn 't willing to have people over because I was so dissatisfied . I wasn 't " loving myself . " Oh , I love myself . Unfortunately , I was never properly wired to be embarrassed about my house . I learned a few useful tricks , then I lost the book in a pile of other books , only to find it again about four years later . I went to playgroup at homes that were very clean , and I interviewed my friends who lived in those homes . It would go something like : " Oh , so you make your bed every morning , and then you clean the bathroom every week . Wow , that sounds like it takes a lot of time . " " Yes , I guess . But , don 't you just feel so good when your house is sparkling clean ? " My answer was " no , " but I think the one time I actually said it , the rest of the playgroup didn 't go very well . I stopped talking to playgroup about cleaning . I called my sister . Her house is pretty clean most of the time . " A clean house is the sign of a sick mind . Isn 't that what Mom says ? " " Why is your house so clean ? " " My husband doesn 't think it 's a waste of tim6 It just has to be tough to have geeky parents ( I hear my husband saying ' speak for yourself ' ) . No , really , we try so hard , too hard , and our poor children are doomed to geekhood . They need a dirty - rotten - uncle to keep things balanced . The second day of 1st grade , I was having a pleasant dinner with my children . They were asking all sorts of questions , as usual , and we meandered over to the subject of poop . It is a weighty topic for the 3 to 6 year old set . They wanted to know where poop goes when you flush . It is a good question , and not the first time that they asked . I explained the sewer system . I explained sewage treatment plants . I explained that , ultimately , it becomes earth again and is great fertilizer for plants . " Plants eat poop ? " " Good thing you aren 't a tree , huh ? " I said . " Gross , Mom ! " ( Every once in awhile , you need to get a " Gross , Mom ! " just to make sure you aren 't too much of a nerd ) . We had covered all of this before . Finally , I told them that we also benefit from what the trees don 't need . They give of carbon dioxide . . . I went on . . . . " So , I guess you could say that we breathe tree farts . " Yes , I really said that . Seems even more ridiculous to actually write it , trust me . They looked at me . No laughter . No " Gross Mom ! " I was thinking that I really missed the boat this time . Come on , that HAS to be funny to a six year old . I 'm not that lame . " What 's a fart , Mom ? " Factoid : Today would be my great aunt 's birthday . If she were still with us , she would be 110 years old . When Andrew was at school and George was down for a nap , Gladys and I made tortilla dough . She was helping me . " You scoop , I 'll dump ! " That 's what she always says . So , I was scoopng , she was dumping , and I started singing some made - up - tune about making dough . She started hugging me , right there standing on the chair next to me . " Why are you hugging me , Sweetie ? You are my sweet girl . " I said giving her a squeeze back . Then , as lovingly as ever and with a big squeeze , she said , " You are my adult . " Today was Andrew 's first day of full day school . He 's in first grade . He 's such a big boy and such a little boy all at the same time . Sigh . Okay . That 's quite enough of that . I 'll give you one snapshot of my day . When a woman in the PTA stopped by to pick up some materials for the meeting tonight , the following things were going on in my house : George was sleeping , Gladys was stopping around in dress - up clothes with cookie - dough hands , cookies were baking , vegetables were in my braising pot ready to burn , mail was falling off the island , ribbons and card stock were on the floor from a just - done project , laundry was piled on the couch , the dryer was beeping with more , ingredients were everywhere , bags from Target were still on the floor , extra school supplies were in the front hall , my phone was out of batteries , a sandy baby blanket was still on my porch , sixteen pairs of shoes were by the door , crayons were under the table , and my son 's bus was returning from school in less than five minutes . I don 't really know her all that well . I forgot to find one of the sheets she needed . When I ran upstairs to print a new one , she stirred my vegetables . I gave her the sheet . I put shoes on the feet for which I 'm responsible ( there were plenty of shoes to choose from ) . I turned off the braising vegetables , and ran out the door with my camera , just in time to get a HUGE hug from my son running off the bus . Andrew was greeted with a very special cookie made by his sister . We said prayers before dinner and ate a braised whole chicken in wine and herbs , on a clean table and over a ( hastily ) swept - clean floor . I am pretty sure that is not how I expected Andrew 's first day of school to look on the day he was born . I am glad I finally have things in perspective . 3 On Sunday night , our family had dinner over at my vegetarian friend 's home . She prepared steak . Now , you might think that is a little odd ( it is , isn 't it ? ) but she is the type of person who would make an expensive entrée for her friends with no intention of eating it herself . It was some fabulous dry - aged beef . Wow . The event was significant for several reasons . Besides the fact that she was going out on of her way to make beef for us , she also has not had us over in years . The last time my husband was at her home , he had an allergic reaction to her cat . Anyway , she doesn 't host many formal dinner parties . People show up on her doorstep and she feeds them , it simply isn 't so planned . And , let 's see , the last time she had planned a formal dinner , they cancelled on her several times , until it just became awkward altogether . She was very excited about this momentous dinner party . She was very proud that she had overcome her self - described dinner - party anxieties . No pressure . Several things attempted to get in the way of being able to schedule this dinner party . We managed to dodge them . I couldn 't believe she was making beef , but I told my husband that he would eat it and say it was wonderful if it killed him ( of course , it actually was wonderful ) . Thank goodness , because my husband is a horrible liar . He 's painfully honest . ( I love that . ) I hoped that my husband would stay away from her cat . She put the cat away somewhere and had most likely vacuumed ten times . Our kids generally play very nicely together , but you never know . Andrew had been a little snippy last time they were together . Her son is sensitive , mine is sometimes a little insensitive . Things were going well . We were all enjoying a drink . The kids were playing . The appetizers were delightful . The cat was nowhere to be seen . I relaxed , and I am not sure she was ever nervous . Andrew and her son were having so much fun , they decided to go upstairs to be away from the girls . Fabulous ! " Mrs . E ! Something is wrong with Andrew 's eye ! " Andr3 She 's gone . I got the phone call today . My eyes are puffy , teary . I 've been sobbing . No , really sobbing . I didn 't think I would do that . I guess I didn 't really think about it . She was ready . She told me she would go sometime . I knew she would . She 's just gone . She died Wednesday . It 's Friday night . I just got the phone call . I asked if there is a memorial service planned . " No , no memorial , nothing like that . She donated herself to science . " She would do that . She never did anything the expected way . She didn 't follow the rules . She would do that . She would just leave . She was done , so why wouldn 't she just leave ? I want to call her and ask her why . She would say , " Honey , its not so fun getting old . Its uncomfortable , and you end up spending a lot of time with old people . " She always told me that old people talk too much about their aches and pains . She would tell me about hers , if I asked . Mostly she wanted to see the kids . She wanted to touch their hands and read to them . She wanted to see them smile . It made her smile too . She told me once that there was no way she could be a mother today . It was just too hard . She saw what I did and she just couldn 't do it . She told me that when she was a young mom , kids just went out and played . There weren 't so many expectations . She told me not to worry about cleaning my house . She told me I was doing the right thing spending my time with my kids . She told me not to worry . She told me I am young . She liked to write . I wish I had her writings . She gave me one of her stories once . It was one of her favorite stories , I think . In her early 20 's , right out of college ( probably 1946 ) she and her girlfriend drove across country . They didn 't pack much . They washed their panties in the sink . In Wyoming , they almost ran out of gas . They rolled into a gas station . The gas station attendant said , " Ladies , you were flirtin ' with walkin ' . " She loved that line . She liked breaking the rules , just enough to keep people thinking . She liked flirting wit7 On Wednesday , when we were on our 12 - mile bike ride on some local trails , a friend of mine convinced me to take a day trip to an island in the Great Lakes . The magic wand that was so prophetically waved at me on Monday in the park , must have been very powerful indeed . We went . Three moms , seven kids , and packed lunches all shoved gracefully into two minivans . The day was beautiful . We had almost a straight flush of kids aged 1 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 6 , & 7 . We rode around the island . The 6 & 7 yr old boys led the pack . My barely six year old , Andrew , kept up in spite of his being both smaller and having a 16 - inch bike ( vs . his friend 's 20 " bike with gears ) . He pedaled like a maniac . The magic wand must have given him special energy as well . Did I mention the day was beautiful ? We stopped for lunch and the kids threw rocks into the lake . We stopped for ice cream and George was completely covered in vanilla . We stopped after 15 miles and the kids ran to play on the playground . ( George and Gladys had been in the trailer , so of course they had a little energy left ) . Their mother who had been hauling them around was still going stronger than she should have . . . . The older boys actually started fighting over playing with George on the playground . They all wanted to help the one - year - old . They were chasing him around to the stairs , helping him up , lifting him to the highest slide , then racing to the bottom of the slide to catch him . Over and over they did this . George was stumbling along , hardly able to stand up he was so tired . It was already after 4pm . My two friends had been talking over by the vans , packing up , while I watch the kids at the playground . When they came over , I asked what seemed like an obvious question , " So , did you call the hubbies ? Are we grabbing a martini and watching the sun set ? " We all had the same thing on our minds . We decided to stay . By then , it was nearly 5pm but we decided to head down the beach anyway . One of my friends ran over and bought some refreshments for the adults . We didn 't bri1 comments The night prior to writing about the " knock knock " jokes , there was a ' tick - tacker ' at our door . That 's right , someone rang our doorbell between the hours of 12 : 30 and 5am and ran away . I was so tired that morning that I looked on the porch for a package , as if some PTA mom had decided to drop off brownies that night . Ha ! I decided it was probably some stupid slumber - party dare . This is the suburbs . Wednesday night was far more difficult to ignore . I was out babysitting for a friend ( cool parents go to rock concerts ) until midnight . I had dozed off and on , so I was a little foggy when I left their house . I passed some apartments on the main road and saw three or four police vehicles with their lights on . Wow , I thought . That looks like a pretty big deal . Then a police vehicle turned on his lights right behind me . I slowed down , practically swerved , looked at my speed , my heart raced . Then his lights turned off again . Okay , wasn 't for me . Anyway , I was barely doing 30 in a 35 zone . I was awake now . I noticed five more police cars on the other side of the intersection with their lights on . It looked a lot like that rock concert I had missed . On the other side of the street , there were four or five more cars parked with their lights off . People were milling around . As I drove between the stopped cars , it became clear that the vehicles on both sides of the street were ALL police vehicles . There were probably 8 or 10 . Officers were walking along the road with their nightsticks looking for something . There was no accident . There was no ambulance . There was just an incredible amount of interest in the side of the road . After I drove through , two police officers whizzed by me . I was driving nice and carefully now , fully alert . Someone was tailgating . It was an SUV with its running lights on . I thought it was very odd that someone was tailgating right after a crime scene . I mean , doesn 't everyone act like a Nobel Peace Prize recipient right after passing a police car ? Mother Teresa wouldn 't drive better than5 After writing a long and rambling post last night , I woke up this morning with only the car ride home echoing in my head . " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " Who 's there ? " ( Gladys ) " Lawn mower " ( Andrew ) " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " Who 's there ? " ( Gladys ) " Lawn mower " ( Andrew ) " Knock knock " " Who 's there ? " " Lawn mower " " Knock knock " ( George ) " Knock knock " " Who 's there ? " " Aren 't you glad I didn 't say lawn mower ? " " Knock knock " ( George ) " Pete and repeat were in a boat , Pete fell out , who was left ? " ( Andrew ) " Repeat " ( Gladys ) " Knock knock " ( George ) " Pete and repeat were in a boat , Pete fell out , who was left ? " ( Andrew ) " Repeat ! " ( Gladys ) " Knock knock " ( George ) The truth is , I was joining in too . I used to think it was annoying . Okay , I still occasionally think its annoying . But , for some reason , yesterday it was okay . That is why they keep doing it . Because , every once in awhile , Mommy comes up with a knock knock joke " " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " You are there " ( Mommy ) " You are who ? " ( Andrew ) I 'm your mother , didn 't you know that by now ? ? Aww , Mom ! Do you have any good ones ? ? We had your basic suburban day . I caught myself running down the driveway this morning , dressed in a brown baby - doll summer dress , barefoot , trying to give my husband the ice water he had poured for himself before he ran out the door . I caught up to him on the street . I gave him his water . He gave me a kiss , leaning out his open window . I said , " Oh , my , this feels very suburban . " He said , " I think I sort of like it . " I ran back into the house , straight into the kitchen , and was so distracted I made the worst pancakes I 've ever made in my entire life ( except for the ones I made over at a friend 's house , but I can 't tell you about it because she might read this ) . They looked weird ( the pancakes , not my friend ) . Andrew cheerfully said that they looked like lily pad pancakes ( no one should be so cheerful in the morning ) . George threw his entire 20 - pound body forward far enough to grab one , took a bite , and promptly threw it further than I had ever seen him throw anything . Curious , I took a bite myself . I forgot the sugar . " That 's okay , " Andrew said just as cheerfully , " we dip them in syrup anyway . " ( As a mother , I should have thought of that myself , but we all slip occasionally ) . " Fabulous , I made lily - pad panbread ! What a terrific breakfast ! " They gobbled them up . I looked for that iced coffee I had stowed somewhere in the refrigerator . Where was that coffee ? I had a PTA meeting this morning . The subject of the PTA will provide a great deal of amusement for the rest of the school year , so I will leave that for later . We decided to ride our bikes , mostly because it is much easier to get the kids out of the house that way . The kids were in " babysitting , " which meant that they were watching a movie with other children only slightly older than they are . I spent a brief moment talking to one of the faculty members . When I found my children , they were alone , completely glued to the television . Andrew was laughing out loud . They left happily . We rode home , stopping only briefly at my friend 1 comments My kids and I have been doing a lot of biking lately . It has been fun , even liberating , to get on a bicycle again . That feeling of the wind in my hair racing down a hill just brings back proper perspective . Today , I even had the joy of hearing Gladys whooping it up in the trailer when we hit top speed . " Whheeeeeeeee ! ! ! ! Let 's do it again ! ! ! ! " I have been taking the kids to a long , pretty flat trail about 30 or so minutes away from our house . We 've been taking a nearly 12 - mile jaunt , stopping for lunch at the farthest point . I think Andrew has really done well finally being able to ' let loose ' and ride without my constant yelling " watch for cars " and " look both ways before you cross . " The suburbs are nice and all , but they are a stifling in so many ways . Today , we went to a closer trail that is only about a mile in one direction and has one fairly large hill at the far end . Andrew wasn 't too keen on the hill on the way up , but I had the foresight to park the car at the lowest point ( I 'm pretty clever that way , okay , lazy , but all they remember is the final stretch ) . When we stopped for a snack , an older woman passed by with her husband . She commented on how much energy I have . " You have a lot of energy , " she said . I thanked her , of course . After she walked away , I wasn 't sure if she was simply commenting on my athleticism , or if somehow she had bestowed energy upon me . " You have a lot of energy . " It was as if she was waving a magic wand when she said it . I was sitting at the picnic table with Andrew , Gladys , and George enjoying our fiber bars after our first two " laps " at the 2 - mile trail , thinking about nature . I have read so many articles lately about how children don 't get outdoors enough anymore . And , when they do , there is always an adult directing the events . I try really hard to let my kids explore ( see , I try really hard to NOT orchestrate the events . . . there is irony there somewhere ) . I do . I let them sit down in the river and search under rocks . I let them choose 2 I am a practical woman . I don 't put on airs , I rarely even put on make - up . I don 't particularly like shopping . ( I DO like buying , of course , but not the shopping part ) . As the weather improved this spring , I noticed that none of my clothes fit . This was a happy occasion . For the past seven years I had been pregnant , or just post - pregnancy . For the first time , I finally had a one - year old and no plans for procreation . My body is mine again . I could buy clothes . After searching through my closet for any worthwhile , unstained , unstretched threads , I decided I needed most everything . It was ugly . I absolutely had to go shopping . My husband does very well and we are more than comfortable , but let 's just remind ourselves that I am at heart a fairly practical woman . I don 't like shopping ; I like buying . I went to the outlet mall . My oldest was at school . I bribed my three - year - old with a promised trip to feed the ducks next door . George was just happy to be along . I decided that I don 't like looking bad . That seems obvious , doesn 't it ? Even more than that , I wanted to take advantage of my empty closet to only buy clothes that I actually like . Clothes that I feel good in . So I did . I bought three skirts , a handful of cotton / spandex tops , one pair of standard khaki shorts , and a couple summer dresses . That 's right , just one pair of shorts for the whole summer . I wore skirts and dresses all summer . I didn 't own shorts in my 20 's either , I worked and lived in Japan . I always wore skirts and dresses , except when I was actually running or in the gym . I rode my bike to work every day in a suit skirt . In the mix was one particular white cotton barely knee - length , gathered , skirt that I really hesitated to buy . After all , what kind of crazy person has three small , often muddy children and runs around in a white cotton skirt ? I wore it all summer . I wore it every week . I wore it hiking around Devil 's Tower in Wyoming . I wore it camping at Fort Niagara . I wore it to my son 's t - ball games and sat in the grass . I worcomments Less than two weeks before school starts : thirteen days and counting . For six years , yes , since my first was born , I have looked forward to sending them to school . I know for those first six months of his life I would have given my eyeteeth to just send him to school for one day . Please , please , just get me through the day I would think . Where did this child come from ? Okay , I knew that part , but what craziness entrusted me with a child ? I desperately wanted children . We had fertility issues , we tried " forever " , but those first sixth months were mind - boggling . I thought they would never end . I was SO tired . I had only one friend in the new town ( who is , remarkably , still my friend ) . I was SO alone with the child . I craved human interaction that didn 't involve having a human attached to me . I had lost myself a little . I missed me . Where was I in all of this mess ? My old self is still there , she is my friend , but she isn 't me . I love her , I think of her often , I even wonder what she would think if she could see me now . That woman had her heart all in one place . She made plans and moved forward , undaunted . Confident in a way that you can be when your heart is all yours . I agreed to share my heart when I married . I cried about that . I knew that my decisions were still mine , but they were also ours . I became tangled up . It is a happy tangle . Then we had a baby . I thought postpartum was that short time right after birth . I didn 't realize that my heart would be running around in someone else 's body too . Then we had two more babies . Now my heart can run in five directions at once . It can be broken and filled with joy within the same moment . I 'm so blessed . I can barely breathe . School starts in 13 days . I am not ready . We have school supplies . My husband wants to take him clothes shopping . He has a lunchbox . My son is ready . He 's so ready . I am proud of him . I want him to go to school . I want to see his broad smile getting on that bus . I want to see the confidence he has running back down the street , asking i0 There is constant conversation in my house . People are always talking . Most of the time , several people are talking at once . Even George , who only has a few words , talks all the time . We aren 't sure what he is saying , but I am sure he is sure what he is saying . His words now include : Mama , Dada , all done , ball , mine , and no . Since he only has about six words or so , he rarely asks very difficult questions . I rarely have time to think my own thoughts without being asked a question . George is always refreshing . I thought I would have time to think today , but mostly I just talked to the kids while I rode my bike . We went over 11 miles on the bicycles , it was a beautiful ride in the fresh air . I said " oh really , " about 60 times per mile . In between , I had to think of reasonable answers to seemingly random questions . I was amazed at how many comments I received from people I have never met too . I am a pretty friendly person . I tend to make eye contact and give a polite ' hello . ' I 'll even make a pleasant remark now and then . Today , just having my children talk to me was not enough , everyone else talked to me too . When I was putting the bicycles on the back of the van in my own driveway , a person jogging by told me that it was going to rain . " Looks like you might get wet , " he said . " Oooh , aren 't they so cute in the trailer ? ? " I got a lot of that . " You even have healthy snacks for them . " " Looks like you have your hands full . " " What a busy mommy ! " I got something like that a few times . My kids said things like : " Look , Mom , a cardinal . What kind of animal is that one ? " " How much further until lunch ? " " Why are those cinder blocks there ? Maybe they had a pig roast ? " " On our left is the such - and - such river . The river is over there , why is this bridge here over the bulrushes ? " " How many different kinds of trees do you need to have a mixed forest ? " " I think Uranus ' East pole is hot . Well , if it 's going around with the sun on its left side . If it 's going around the other way , I guess0 There is something about vomit that brings us all together as humans . As a mother , I see it all too frequently . No matter how impressive it is , my mind always wanders back to my favorite vomit story . Don 't have a favorite vomit story ? Feel free to borrow mine . It was Christmas in Japan 1994 . I worked for a Fortune 500 company , but there were only three of us ( plus a shared secretary ) in our division 's office : a British manager , a Japanese engineer , and a young American female engineer ( yours truly ) . Saying it that way sounds like the beginning of a bad joke . Maybe it is . But it 's true . The three of us , my boss 's wife , and our shared secretary went out to dinner for our Christmas party . We then met back at my apartment for drinks and dessert . I had a lovely three - bedroom apartment on the fifth floor , overlooking the river . The living / dining area was a large room with two sliding glass doors onto a wrap - around balcony . The place was very nicely furnished . We were all dressed nicely . I played delightful Christmas music such as Bing Crosby 's White Christmas . We sat around and talked . Suzuki - san , the Japanese engineer , took an occasional smoke break out on the balcony . A bit after midnight , everyone went home . The next morning , my very quiet American neighbor on the seventh floor called me . " Quite the party last night , eh ? " " Party last night ? " I asked . " I had a few people over . I 'm sorry , were we loud ? " I was very confused . Why is this man calling ? ? Sure , I enjoy entertaining , but certainly we couldn 't have disturbed HIM on the seventh floor ? Huh ? " I can 't get to work . " " What ? " I asked , even more confused now . " Have you looked outside ? " " Well , no , what are you talking about , exactly ? " I wasn 't quite dressed yet , so didn 't want to go running out to my balcony . " I 'm sorry , there simply aren 't words to describe it . You 'll just have to go look . " I quickly dressed and peeked out my sliding glass door . Nothing . Ha ! Wasn 't my party . I went down the elevator and out the front door3 " Mrs . E ! Mrs . E ! The camper is going to catch on fire ! ! " I love parties . Yes , there are preparations to make and there is never enough time . But , somehow , when the first guest arrives all of that melts away . All that is left is me in my cotton dress , a mint julep in my hand , the smell of smoked meat infusing my home with a mood of celebration . . . and friends , hopefully lots of them . That was how my son 's 6th birthday began , much like many of our parties . People arriving , kids excited , happiness , hugs , " Can I get you something ? " " Oh , what lovely wrapping , yes , put it over there , dear . " The weather was beautiful . The party started . Andrew had given me precise specifications for his cake . He wanted a homemade ( by mom ) devil 's food sheet cake . On top should be a pick - up truck ( Ford F - 250 ) towing a fifth wheel trailer . They should be at their campsite , still hitched , but with the stabilizers down . It should all be made out of cake , icing , and candy . " Mom , that 's pretty much what I meant ! " That 's what Andrew told me when he saw the cake the morning of his party . I felt the warm , happy feeling of success . After dinner , the kids were running around the backyard as kids do . The hula hoop had managed to get up in a tree . The boys and girls were threatening to turn to tribal warfare ( okay , not really ) , but either way it was time for cake . The kids swarmed like wasps at a pig roast . Before I could snap two digital pictures , my husband lit the candles . " Mrs . E ! Mrs . E ! The camper is going to catch on fire ! ! " The oohs and ahhs , the giggles and screams , it was unbelievable . Per my husband 's brilliant suggestion , I used an entire box of candles in the ' campfire ' I had put on the cake . The campfire was surrounded by ' rocks ' of chocolate covered peanuts . By the time we managed to put out the fire some of the peanuts had their chocolate melted off . Wax was running down the cake . My " warm , happy " feeling of success had turned into a " hot , explosive " feeling of success . You just can 't buy a ca3 It is summertime . I did not set an agenda today . The kids played . I cleaned , a little . Andrew played the piano ; we listened . I vacuumed , the kids dusted . They asked me to read , we finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . We imagined meeting Mr . Wonka . They fought . They practiced making - up , again . We played in the backyard . The kids watered the raspberries and picked the only three red juicy ones . They ran to me and showed me their harvest . Andrew carefully washed them with the hose . He saved one for George , who was napping . Later , he ate it for him . We played in the front yard . I got to pretend to be the baby this time . I took a nap under the tree . Gladys tucked me in , then joined me . A minute later , Andrew was there too , lying under the tree . There we were , three people lying under the tree in the front yard . Cars drove by . They must have been going somewhere ; doing something . We didn 't . We did nothing . I was lying there with my children thinking about motherhood . I am a well - educated person . I have never seen a study that shows any specific positive result derived from lying under a tree with your children . I have never seen it . I wondered if I made more of an impact today on my world than the soul who drove by . Can you study that ? What is the net present value of a woman lying in the grass with her children ? I have found recently I can tell better by what things are not , than what they are . The value of motherhood is not in this one particular day . The value is in the fact that today was not particularly special . I wondered if 60 years from now my children will be having dinner together . They will remember the harvest . " Remember all those raspberries ? " " Oh , yeah , they were so sweet ! " " I wonder why Mom never made jam . . . " Will they say that ? As mothers , we think we need to make jam out of three raspberries . The children know how to just eat them and remember their sweetness . Today was my son Andrew 's sixth birthday . As he would be quick to tell you " the party is really on Friday . " Yes , but he was still six today . It was an unusual day . Gladys and I were sick , so my husband took off work . That alone is highly unusual . Not that he isn 't caring and helpful , but taking off work is a very big deal . My husband took Andrew to the grocery store . That isn 't unusual , not as unusual as the fact that we had very little food in the house . Since it was his birthday , Andrew picked dinner : fresh fried calamari and penne alfredo . They had gone to the meat market and Andrew saw squid , one of his favorite foods . My husband deep fried it and whipped up two dipping sauces that were mayonnaise based . I despise the taste of mayonnaise . I loved both of his sauces . None of that was unusual . Since the party isn 't until Friday , we didn 't have cake tonight . After dinner , my husband and I decided we would offer the kids ice cream and then give Andrew a gift . All we had in the house was " Spumoni " ice cream . It 's another story where the ice cream came from , but it had been in there for a few weeks . My husband and I had never tried it , nor had the kids . Pistachio - cherry - chocolate ice cream is now a new family favorite . Everyone loved it . They were excited to try it . Andrew said " Mom , it 's a crazy thing , you think its cherry and then , POW , its pistachio and then all of the sudden chocolate walks right in ! " He really said that . I think that was unusual . Andrew was very surprised when we handed him a gift . " Where did this come from ? " he asked bewildered . He was really surprised . We gave him a gift last year . Giving a gift to a kid on their birthday probably isn 't that unusual . He seemed to think it was unusual . " Its from us . Its just something little because today is actually your birthday . " " Oh , cool . " He opened the card first , with a big smile . I could seem him smile bigger when he read the part that said " We love you . " He took awhile to open the gift . He didn 't tear it 5 But first , a " classy " head - shot for Ohmommy whose invitation got lost in the mail . The Most Honored Guest Deluxe AccomodationsExperienced BartendingGourmet CookingHot ! Hot ! Hot ! Future VegetarianShameless ViolenceSweet BootyContact SportGreat legs ! ! ! Spa - like Mud TreatmentThe late - night show . Watch for the Executive Summary tomorrow . . . . |
The boy began again to read his book , but he was no longer able to concentrate . He was tense and upset , because he knew that the old man was right . He went over to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread , thinking about whether or not he should tell the baker what the old man had said about him . Sometimes it 's better to leave things as they are , he thought to himself , and decided to say nothing . If he were to say anything , the baker would spend three days thinking about giving it all up , even though he had gotten used to the way things were . The boy could certainly resist causing that kind of anxiety for the baker . So he began to wander through the city , and found himself at the gates . There was a small building there , with a window at which people bought tickets to Africa . And he knew that Egypt was in Africa . " Maybe tomorrow , " said the boy , moving away . If he sold just one of his sheep , he 'd have enough to get to the other shore of the strait . The idea frightened him . " Another dreamer , " said the ticket seller to his assistant , watching the boy walk away . " He doesn 't have enough money to travel . " While standing at the ticket window , the boy had remembered his flock , and decided he should go back to being a shepherd . In two years he had learned everything about shepherding : he knew how to shear sheep , how to care for pregnant ewes , and how to protect the sheep from wolves . He knew all the fields and pastures of Andalusia . And he knew what was the fair price for every one of his animals . He decided to return to his friend 's stable by the longest route possible . As he walked past the city 's castle , he interrupted his return , and climbed the stone ramp that led to the top of the wall . From there , he could see Africa in the distance . Someone had once told him that it was from there that the Moors had come , to occupy all of Spain . He could see almost the entire city from where he sat , including the plaza where he had talked with the old man . Curse the moment I met that old man , he thought . He had come to the town only to find a woman who could interpret his dream . Neither the woman nor the old man were at all impressed by the fact that he was a shepherd . They were solitary individuals who no longer believed in things , and didn 't understand that shepherds become attached to their sheep . He knew everything about each member of his flock : he knew which ones were lame , which one was to give birth two months from now , and which were the laziest . He knew how to shear them , and how to slaughter them . If he ever decided to leave them , they would suffer . The levanter increased in intensity . Here I am , between my flock and my treasure , the boy thought . He had to choose between something he had become accustomed to and something he wanted to have . There was also the merchant 's daughter , but she wasn 't as important as his flock , because she didn 't depend on him . Maybe she didn 't even remember him . He was sure that it made no difference to her on which day he appeared : for her , every day was the same , and when each day is the same as the next , it 's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises . I left my father , my mother , and the town castle behind . They have gotten used to my being away , and so have I . The sheep will get used to my not being there , too , the boy thought . From where he sat , he could observe the plaza . People continued to come and go from the baker 's shop . A young couple sat on the bench where he had talked with the old man , and they kissed . " That baker … " he said to himself , without completing the thought . The levanter was still getting stronger , and he felt its force on his face . That wind had brought the Moors , yes , but it had also brought the smell of the desert and of veiled women . It had brought with it the sweat and the dreams of men who had once left to search for the unknown , and for gold and adventure - and for the Pyramids . The boy felt jealous of the freedom of the wind , and saw that he could have the same freedom . There was nothing to hold him back except himself . The sheep , the merchant 's daughter , and the fields of Andalusia were only steps along the way to his destiny . The next day , the boy met the old man at noon . He brought six sheep with him . " I 'm surprised , " the boy said . " My friend bought all the other sheep immediately . He said that he had always dreamed of being a shepherd , and that it was a good omen . " " That 's the way it always is , " said the old man . " It 's called the principle of favorability . When you play cards the first time , you are almost sure to win . Beginner 's luck . " " In order to find the treasure , you will have to follow the omens . God has prepared a path for everyone to follow . You just have to read the omens that he left for you . " Before the boy could reply , a butterfly appeared and fluttered between him and the old man . He remembered something his grandfather had once told him : that butterflies were a good omen . Like crickets , and like expectations ; like lizards and four - leaf clovers . " That 's right , " said the old man , able to read the boy 's thoughts . " Just as your grandfather taught you . These are good omens . " The old man opened his cape , and the boy was struck by what he saw . The old man wore a breastplate of heavy gold , covered with precious stones . The boy recalled the brilliance he had noticed on the previous day . " Take these , " said the old man , holding out a white stone and a black stone that had been embedded at the center of the breastplate . " They are called Urim and Thummim . The black signifies ' yes , ' and the white ' no . ' When you are unable to read the omens , they will help you to do so . Always ask an objective question . " But , if you can , try to make your own decisions . The treasure is at the Pyramids ; that you already knew . But I had to insist on the payment of six sheep because I helped you to make your decision . " The boy put the stones in his pouch . From then on , he would make his own decisions . " Don 't forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else . And don 't forget the language of omens . And , above all , don 't forget to follow your destiny through to its conclusion . " A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world . The lad wandered through the desert for forty days , and finally came upon a beautiful castle , high atop a mountain . It was there that the wise man lived . " ' Well , ' asked the wise man , ' did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall ? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create ? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library ? ' " Relieved , the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace , this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls . He saw the gardens , the mountains all around him , the beauty of the flowers , and the taste with which everything had been selected . Upon returning to the wise man , he related in detail everything he had seen . The shepherd said nothing . He had understood the story the old king had told him . A shepherd may like to travel , but he should never forget about his sheep . At the highest point in Tarifa there is an old fort , built by the Moors . From atop its walls , one can catch a glimpse of Africa . Melchizedek , the king of Salem , sat on the wall of the fort that afternoon , and felt the levanter blowing in his face . The sheep fidgeted nearby , uneasy with their new owner and Melchizedek watched a small ship that was plowing its way out of the port . He would never again see the boy , just as he had never seen Abraham again after having charged him his one - tenth fee . That was his work . It 's too bad that he 's quickly going to forget my name , he thought . I should have repeated it for him . Then when he spoke about me he would say that I am Melchizedek , the king of Salem . He was sitting in a bar very much like the other bars he had seen along the narrow streets of Tangier . Some men were smoking from a gigantic pipe that they passed from one to the other . In just a few hours he had seen men walking hand in hand , women with their faces covered , and priests that climbed to the tops of towers and chanted - as everyone about him went to their knees and placed their foreheads on the ground . " A practice of infidels , " he said to himself . As a child in church , he had always looked at the image of Saint Santiago Matamoros on his white horse , his sword unsheathed , and figures such as these kneeling at his feet . The boy felt ill and terribly alone . The infidels had an evil look about them . Besides this , in the rush of his travels he had forgotten a detail , just one detail , which could keep him from his treasure for a long time : only Arabic was spoken in this country . The owner of the bar approached him , and the boy pointed to a drink that had been served at the next table . It turned out to be a bitter tea . The boy preferred wine . But he didn 't need to worry about that right now . What he had to be concerned about was his treasure , and how he was going to go about getting it . The sale of his sheep had left him with enough money in his pouch , and the boy knew that in money there was magic ; whoever has money is never really alone . Before long , maybe in just a few days , he would be at the Pyramids . An old man , with a breastplate of gold , wouldn 't have lied just to acquire six sheep . The old man had spoken about signs and omens , and , as the boy was crossing the strait , he had thought about omens . Yes , the old man had known what he was talking about : during the time the boy had spent in the fields of Andalusia , he had become used to learning which path he should take by observing the ground and the sky . He had discovered that the presence of a certain bird meant that a snake was nearby , and that a certain shrub was a sign that there was water in the area . The sheep had taught him that . " Sit down , and let me treat you to something , " said the boy . " And ask for a glass of wine for me . I hate this tea . " The boy told him then that he needed to get to the Pyramids . He almost began to tell about his treasure , but decided not to do so . If he did , it was possible that the Arab would want a part of it as payment for taking him there . He remembered what the old man had said about offering something you didn 't even have yet . " Do you have any idea how to get there ? " the newcomer asked . The boy noticed that the owner of the bar stood nearby , listening attentively to their conversation . He felt uneasy at the man 's presence . But he had found a guide , and didn 't want to miss out on an opportunity . " You have to cross the entire Sahara desert , " said the young man . " And to do that , you need money . I need to know whether you have enough . " He took his money from his pouch and showed it to the young man . The owner of the bar came over and looked , as well . The two men exchanged The boy was relieved . He got up to pay the bill , but the owner grabbed him and began to speak to him in an angry stream of words . The boy was strong , and wanted to retaliate , but he was in a foreign country . His new friend pushed the owner aside , and pulled the boy outside with him . " He wanted your money , " he said . " Tangier is not like the rest of Africa . This is a port , and every port has its thieves . " They walked together through the narrow streets of Tangier . Everywhere there were stalls with items for sale . They reached the center of a large plaza where the market was held . There were thousands of people there , arguing , selling , and buying ; vegetables for sale amongst daggers , and carpets displayed alongside tobacco . But the boy never took his eye off his new friend . After all , he had all his money . He thought about asking him to give it back , but decided that would be unfriendly . He knew nothing about the customs of the strange land he was in . Suddenly , there in the midst of all that confusion , he saw the most beautiful sword he had ever seen . The scabbard was embossed in silver , and the handle was black and encrusted with precious stones . The boy promised himself that , when he returned from Egypt , he would buy that sword . " Ask the owner of that stall how much the sword costs , " he said to his friend . Then he realized that he had been distracted for a few moments , looking at the sword . His heart squeezed , as if his chest had suddenly compressed it . He was afraid to look around , because he knew what he would find . He continued to look at the beautiful sword for a bit longer , until he summoned the courage to turn around . All around him was the market , with people coming and going , shouting and buying , and the aroma of strange foods … but nowhere could he find his new companion . The boy wanted to believe that his friend had simply become separated from him by accident . He decided to stay right there and await his return . As he waited , a priest climbed to the top of a nearby tower and began his chant ; everyone in the market fell to their knees , touched their foreheads to the ground , and took up the chant . Then , like a colony of worker ants , they dismantled their stalls and left . The sun began its departure , as well . The boy watched it through its trajectory for some time , until it was hidden behind the white houses surrounding the plaza . He recalled that when the sun had risen that morning , he was on another continent , still a shepherd with sixty sheep , and looking forward to meeting with a girl . That morning he had known everything that was going to happen to him as he walked through the familiar fields . But now , as the sun began to set , he was in a different country , a stranger in a strange land , where he couldn 't even speak the language . He was no longer a shepherd , and he had nothing , not even the money to return and start everything over . He was so ashamed that he wanted to cry . He had never even wept in front of his own sheep . But the marketplace was empty , and he was far from home , so he wept . He wept because God was unfair , and because this was the way God repaid those who believed in their dreams . When I had my sheep , I was happy , and I made those around me happy . People saw me coming and welcomed me , he thought . But now I 'm sad and alone . I 'm going to become bitter and distrustful of people because one person betrayed me . I 'm going to hate those who have found their treasure because I never found mine . And I 'm going to hold on to what little I have , because I 'm too insignificant to conquer the world . As he looked at the stones , he felt relieved for some reason . He had exchanged six sheep for two precious stones that had been taken from a gold breastplate . He could sell the stones and buy a return ticket . But this time I 'll be smarter , the boy thought , removing them from the pouch so he could put them in his pocket . This was a port town , and the only truthful thing his friend had told him was that port towns are full of thieves . Now he understood why the owner of the bar had been so upset : he was trying to tell him not to trust that man . " I 'm like everyone else - I see the world in terms of what I would like to see happen , not what actually does . " He ran his fingers slowly over the stones , sensing their temperature and feeling their surfaces . They were his treasure . Just The boy was trying to understand the truth of what the old man had said . There he was in the empty marketplace , without a cent to his name , and with not a sheep to guard through the night . But the stones were proof that he had met with a king - a king who knew of the boy 's past . " They 're called Urim and Thummim , and they can help you to read the omens . " The boy put the stones back in the pouch and decided to do an experiment . The old man had said to ask very clear questions , and to do that , the boy had to know what he wanted . So , he asked if the old man 's blessing was still with him . He stuck his hand into the pouch , and felt around for one of the stones . As he did so , both of them pushed through a hole in the pouch and fell to the ground . The boy had never even noticed that there was a hole in his pouch . He knelt down to find Urim and Thummim and put them back in the pouch . But as he saw them lying there on the ground , another phrase came to his mind . An omen . The boy smiled to himself . He picked up the two stones and put them back in his pouch . He didn 't consider mending the hole - the stones could fall through any time they wanted . He had learned that there were certain things one shouldn 't ask about , so as not to flee from one 's own destiny . " I promised that I would make my own decisions , " he said to himself . But the stones had told him that the old man was still with him , and that made him feel more confident . He looked around at the empty plaza again , feeling less desperate than before . This wasn 't a strange place ; it was a new one . he had already traveled farther than any shepherd he knew . Oh , if they only knew how different things are just two hours by ship from where they are , he thought . Although his new world at the moment was just an empty marketplace , he had already seen it when it was teeming with life , and he would never forget it . He remembered the sword . It hurt him a bit to think about it , but he had never seen one like it before . As he mused about these things , he realized that he had to choose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in quest of his treasure . Looking around , he sought his sheep , and then realized that he was in a new world . But instead of being saddened , he was happy . He no longer had to seek out food and water for the sheep ; he could go in search of his treasure , instead . He had not a cent in his pocket , but he had faith . He had decided , the night before , that he would be as He walked slowly through the market . The merchants were assembling their stalls , and the boy helped a candy seller to do his . The candy seller had a smile on his face : he was happy , aware of what his life was about , and ready to begin a day 's work . His smile reminded the boy of the old man - the mysterious old king he had met . " This candy merchant isn 't making candy so that later he can travel or marry a shopkeeper 's daughter . He 's doing it because it 's what he wants to do , " thought the boy . He realized that he could do the same thing the old man had done - sense whether a person was near to or far from his destiny . Just by looking at them . It 's easy , and yet I 've never done it before , he thought . When the stall was assembled , the candy seller offered the boy the first sweet he had made for the day . The boy thanked him , ate it , and went on his way . When he had gone only a short distance , he realized that , while they were erecting the stall , one of them had spoken Arabic and the other Spanish . He was learning a lot of new things . Some of them were things that he had already experienced , and weren 't really new , but that he had never perceived before . And he hadn 't perceived them because he had become accustomed to them . He realized : If I can learn to understand this language without words , I can learn to understand the world . Relaxed and unhurried , he resolved that he would walk through the narrow streets of Tangier . Only in that way would he be able to read the omens . He knew it would require a lot of patience , but shepherds know all about patience . Once again he saw that , in that strange land , he was applying the same lessons he had learned with his sheep . the same place for thirty years : a shop at the top of a hilly street where few customers passed . Now it was too late to change anything - the only thing he had ever learned to do was to buy and sell crystal glassware . There had been a time when many people knew of his shop : Arab merchants , French and English geologists , German soldiers who were always well - heeled . In those days it had been wonderful to be selling crystal , and he had thought how he would become rich , and have beautiful women at his But , as time passed , Tangier had changed . The nearby city of Ceuta had grown faster than Tangier , and business had fallen off . Neighbors moved away , and there remained only a few small shops on the hill . And no one was going to climb the hill just to browse through a few small shops . years , and knew the schedule of everyone who passed . But , just before lunchtime , a boy stopped in front of the shop . He was dressed normally , but the practiced eyes of the crystal merchant could see that the boy had no money to spend . Nevertheless , the merchant decided to delay his lunch for a few minutes until the boy moved on . The man still said nothing , and the boy sensed that he was going to have to make a decision . In his pouch , he had his jacket - he certainly wasn 't going to need it in the desert . Taking the jacket out , he began to clean the glasses . In half an hour , he had cleaned all the glasses in the window , and , as he was doing so , two customers had entered the shop and bought some crystal . " Well then , why did you let me do it ? " the boy asked . " Because the crystal was dirty . And both you and I needed to cleanse our minds of negative thoughts . " People talk a lot about omens , thought the shepherd . But they really don 't know what they 're saying . Just as I hadn 't realized that for so many years I had been speaking a language without words to my sheep . " I can work for the rest of today , " the boy answered . " I 'll work all night , until dawn , and I 'll clean every piece of crystal in your shop . In return , I need money to get to Egypt tomorrow . " The merchant laughed . " Even if you cleaned my crystal for an entire year … even if you earned a good commission selling every piece , you would still have to borrow money to get to Egypt . There are thousands of kilometers of desert between here and there . " There was a moment of silence so profound that it seemed the city was asleep . No sound from the bazaars , no arguments among the merchants , no men climbing to the towers to chant . No hope , no adventure , no old kings or destinies , no treasure , and no Pyramids . It was as if the world had fallen silent because the boy 's soul had . He sat there , staring blankly through the door of the caf , wishing that he had died , and that everything would end forever at that moment . Steve McCurry 's BlogSteve 's body of work spans conflicts , vanishing cultures , ancient traditions and contemporary culture alike - yet always retains the human element . www . stevemccurry . comTransient ReflectionsOf the heart , of the soul and food for thoughtLiyin the Designer - in - PajamasWhy even bother to think out of the box ? Throw the box away ! 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Tess Rosa Ruiz hails from a small town in Western Montana . She left for Seattle with two bags and a lot of passion at the age of 19 . An established photographer , she met a group of writers from New York and through them , found her voice . Her debut book , ' Freefall Into Us ' is a collection of short stories and poetry published by Urbane Publications , Ltd . Great Britain , 2015 . Her second book , a collection of poetry , titled ' An American Slumber ' will be released September 8th , 2016 . Gone Awry Thursday , June 16 , 2016 at 10 : 03PM I had never seen my daddy cry . My mother told me she had seen him cry once , the day I was born . Tears of joy . Apparently , my arrival into the world , his world , had moved him to tears . Now , my departure of this world had warranted his emotions , causing tears to roll down his cheeks but not from joy , from the deepest anguish known possible to a parent . The loss of their child . They were supposed to go first . Everyone knows that . A parent burying a child , well , that 's the cruelest of cruel . My daddy had survived my first tooth , bike ride , period , date , drivers Ed , kegger , loss of virginity and high school graduation without so much as a hiccup . Now he stood , disheveled and bent over , his eyes swollen and red , holding onto my mother as though he were standing over the edge of a cliff , a massive fear of falling into the abyss apparent in his eyes . My mother spoke for the both of them in the dimly lit cold room of the Flathead County Morgue . As she whispered " Yes , it is my daughter , " audible only to my father and the soft - spoken , consoling John Petesch , county coroner , the light above them flickered . Did they know that was me ? Did my daddy feel my lips move about his cheek , telling him not to cry , it will be okay ? Did they know I was trying to tell them I felt no pain during my dance with death ? They would never believe that by looking at the cruel black , blue , and yellow marks around my lithe neck . They would find out later there was not a struggle . They would find out later that my vagina was full of semen . They would find out later from some of my friends that I was ' hooking ' online , to pay for some of my college tuition , books , make - up , clothes , and a new pair of Frye boots . I had managed to get through my freshman year without a worry or care . Sure , I attended an occasional party , smoked a few joints , and drank some , but , for the most part , I was a good girl . Early to bed , early to rise . I spent most weekends in my dorm room , studying . Mom and Dad pretty much took care of all of my expenses . That was the deal , study hard , get good grades , we 've got your back . Well , for my first year . My second year , I was expected to pull my weight and get a job . Options . A barista at Starbucks . A sales girl at Forever 21 . I had heard that job was hideous , full of long hours , shit hourly , and bitches for bosses . Starbucks looked good , offering employees good pay , health insurance , even helping with tuition . The problem , it seemed , was everyone was vying for that , and , if someone left , there were twenty call backs on a wait list holding their breaths . Then , of course , there were the usual fast food jobbies and ' bag girl ' at the supermarket . A girl had standards , dammit . I remember first hearing about Operation PMS during a study session at the Grizzly Union . My roomie 's best friend from high school was asking me and a couple of other girls at our table if we were interested in making some incredible cash for just a couple hours of work . One seemed interested , the other didn 't , and I didn 't hear the whole spiel as I was running late for a class . Now , almost a year later , I was back at the union , searching for the red head . As if I had willed her , there she was . The well - dressed , statuesque … dang … . I was trying desperately to remember her name . J … J … Jane . That 's it ! I remember because sometimes I would make a quick rhyme with someone 's name so I wouldn 't forget it . Plain Jane . She was anything but . She was stunning . " Jane ! " , I shouted , suddenly realizing I shouldn 't have . At least twenty people turned , giving me ' the stink eye ' . Either way , she saw me and started walking towards me , her silky , red hair and pert breasts bouncing right along with her step . Plain Jane . I laughed to myself , more out of nervousness than anything . " Yes . Second year . Things are going well , but having a tough time finding a job . I remember you talking about a job last year , and I was wondering if that was still available . Operation PMS , I believe ? " She looked me up and down , then grabbed my arm , leading me outside . We walked across the street , stopping under a large maple that was frequented by students as a quiet place to read . Oddly , it was unoccupied as if by magic . " Look , I will just come out with it . It 's not a typical job . Nothing close . PMS stands for Professional Men for Sex . So , basically , your name , age , photo , clean bill of health , and class schedule go into a confidential website . The men browse whenever they get the urge , and bam . The minimum is $ 500 . I get $ 150 . The deal is you 're on call . Aside from classes , you have to show up . " She said all of this so matter of factly . " Look , it 's all fairly simple . The men are clean , professional , attractive , and loaded . Most of them are married , and wifey either won 't put out anymore or they want something a little kinky . " She must have seen my fear after that statement . " Oh , we have rules as well . No S & M , whips , or handcuffs . Blindfolds and tying up are okay . There are about twenty five girls currently on the list . It seems as though they all average about twice a week . Of course , some men have their favorites like anything else . You 'll do fine , I am quite sure , " she said , glancing at my breasts . I felt degraded , but then , this would probably not be the first time , being the circumstances what they were . " Oh , and when you want out , you 're out , " she added , tossing her hair . " You can 't get back in . " Suddenly , I was looking down at my shoes , kicking some dirt that wasn 't really there . She seemed suddenly to be irritated with me . I felt like I was being scolded , and I didn 't know why . She noticed the silence in me . " Look , I gotta run . If you want to . . . . . " I quickly cut her off . " No , I 'm interested , " I said quickly , not wanting to have this conversation again . Her demeanor changed . " Let me just find a pen . " She began to toss through her oversized Chanel backpack . I wondered if it was one of her rewards she had decided she deserved for taking it up the ass from some sweaty , grunting sixty - year - old . " Here , " she said , thrusting a pen into my open palm . " I will send you the link tonight . Just sign in with a user name and password to sign up . You will go through a short questionnaire . It takes about twenty - four hours when everything is said and done . " She pulled out a piece of paper , scrawling a number down . " Oh , and my number in case you have any questions . " " Um , ok , " I said , not sure of anything at the moment . Before I could say anything else , she was already almost across the road , her red hair flying in the wind . I glanced at her scrawl , then shoved it into my pocket , making my way back to my dorm . As promised , the link came through at about 7 p . m . just as I was returning from the cafeteria with Bridgette , the burger I had consumed laying heavily in my stomach . I jumped on my computer , deciding if I didn 't do this now , I would chicken out given too much time to think about it . As I began to fill out the questionnaire , Bridgette announced that she was going to go down and shower . As she shut the door , I debated telling her . I decided to tell her if and when I had made the decision that I liked , or should I say tolerated , the job , deciding to stick with it . Two days later , I got my first ' John ' . His name was Derek , according to Jane . I was to be outside my dorm at promptly nine p . m . Good . Be under it , she instructed . He will be driving a forest green Jeep Wrangler . Questions ? No , I told her . Wondering why she had all of a sudden turned into a total bitch , I hung up the phone . It was seven p . m . I had two hours . I did an hour 's worth of homework , and then I went and showered . I was nervous . I made sure I was extra clean , going over everything twice . I shaved again for the second time that day . As I brushed my hair in the mirror , my eyes spoke volumes . They said " Don 't do this , Ruby . There are other ways to make money . Your parents would die a thousand deaths if they knew what you were about to do , Ruby . " Shut the fuck up ! I shut my eyes , continuing to brush my hair . I just had to pretend I was on a date . It would be a date that would end in sex , that 's all . Oh , and I 'd get paid for it . What 's all the ruckus about ? I wore a black dress with black heels . I left the dorm a tad early , umbrella in tow . I was surprised I didn 't run into anyone . Five to nine . I closed my eyes again then took a slow breath in . Then slow breath out . I opened my eyes . Was everyone staring out their dorm window ? Maybe , but I felt hidden . The umbrella made sense now . Then , the green jeep pulled up , at precisely 9 p . m . I got in . " Ruby , nice to meet you . I 'm Derek . " He put out his right hand , pulling it from the steering wheel which he seemed to be gripping tightly . I barely saw his face , afraid to take him in . " I know what you mean , Ruby . Well , if it 's any consolation , it 's my first time as well . " This is when I looked at him . He appeared to be mid to late 40s . Blondish hair . Spitting image of Kiefer Sutherland . My dad had started watching 24 again , and , on my last visit home , I started watching it with him . I was hooked . I quickly looked away , thinking this was too good to be true . Hell , I 'd lay with him without pay . " I won 't ask you a bunch of personal questions nor will you ask me about myself . I don 't live here . I fly in every two weeks or so . If things go well tonight , you will be contacted in the same manner you were and picked up the same way . Sound good ? " " I don 't bite , promise , " he said , pulling up to a red light . I didn 't answer back , my head was spinning . Again , Ruby , like we discussed before , just pretend you are on a date but you 're getting paid for it . Besides , look at him . He is sexy and beautiful as hell . Live a little . " I love this song , " I said , grateful for the consoling power of music . I was thankful he turned it up , and we rode on without speaking . About twenty minutes later , we pulled into a Residence Inn . The place was huge , looking like a large compound . We drove by Units A and B then pulled into a parking spot in front of Unit D . I wondered what happened to C . He turned off the lights but not the car . I was nervous again . He pulled a card key out of his pocket . D24 , was in bold black on the side . 24 . I thought of Kiefer Sutherland again . Odd coincidence . He handed me the key then turned his body toward me . I saw him more full on , his face now brightly lit by the street lamp . God , he was attractive . He had that " hadn 't shaved in a couple days , " light beard stubble . Strong jaw and gorgeous blue eyes , his blond hair strewn about in different directions , disheveled but on purpose . He was wearing dark blue dress pants , a lighter blue , button down oxford like he had just stepped out of a board meeting . I could feel my heart beating faster in my chest , this time out of anticipation not fear . " Give me about fifteen minutes . I need to check e - mails and a couple voice messages . " He turned the car off , pulling the keys out and handing them to me . " Great , then , see you in fifteen , " and , with that , he got out , shutting me in with a few minutes to breathe . I immediately put the key back in the ignition and turned it slightly so that only the music came on . Caveman 's " In The City " was playing . As I sang the line " Hope this was made for a good time , " I flipped down the visor , the little light coming on . Eyeliner still on . No smudging . Thank God no zits had reared their ugly heads . Hahaha , I laughed to myself , liking my pun . Hair , check . Blush , good . I flipped the visor back up . I turned up the song , thinking of the video with Julia Stiles . She was beautiful . I loved the red dress she wore . The video was so weird , but I loved it . Kinda dark . No , really dark . I fished my light pink lip gloss out of my purse . I flipped the visor mirror back down again . God , he was probably watching me through the window , thinking I was vain as hell . Nah , the room was on the other side . I pulled the brush out , painting a light coat over the bottom lip , then rubbing the top into the bottom . Someone told me one puts gloss or lipstick on the same way as their mother , from watching her as a child . For some reason little girls love watching mommy put on make - up , wishing they could have a little bit , too . I remember how I would giggle when my mother would turn from the mirror , giving my cheeks a light dusting with her blush . More mommy , please , put on more ! Put your lips out , she would say . I would pucker them , pushing my face towards her and closing my eyes . I could still feel the lipstick run ever so lightly over my lips , her hands so tender and careful . There 's my beautiful girl , she would say . I flipped the mirror back up and closed the lip gloss , dropping it back into my purse . I got out of the car , locking it behind me . I walked across the dewy lawn instead of the walkway , keeping my shoes silenced . There was a tinge of chill in the air ; soon , the leaves would start to fall . I walked up the concrete stairs , stopping midway to take off my heels , my feet grateful for their release . As I neared the top , I could see D21 to my right . Past D23 . I stopped in front of D24 , sliding the card key . It flashed red , then nothing . I slid it again . Red flash , then nothing . I tried it a third time . Three 's a charm don 't you know ! Nothing . I took it as a sign and begin to walk away . I stopped , turned around , slid it through again . It flashed green . Green means go . I walked in , closing the door quietly behind me . I stop . The place is huge , more like a suite . I walk past the kitchen , noticing an open bottle of wine , still full . There is a roomy living space in front of me with a giant computer on the desk . I stop , putting my shoes and purse down next to me . I look to my left , into a bedroom . He is laying on the bed , still dressed , his hands underneath his head which is on the pillow . " There 's some wine on the kitchen counter if you so desire , " he says , glancing out the window . He turns back to look at me . " If you pour yourself a glass , would you mind pouring one for me as well ? " " Me too , " he says , turning off the lamp next to the bed . As I pour the wine , I wonder what it is he does for a living . Is he married ? Children ? Where does he live ? No questions , he told me . I walk slowly with the wine glasses towards him , his eyes on me the whole time . I walk towards his side of the bed , handing him a glass . He takes it from me , still looking into my eyes . " I get that a lot , Ruby . I take it as a compliment . Thank you . " He lifts his head from the pillow , taking a large sip . Okay , maybe it wasn 't that stupid . " My dad is into 24 , and I watched a couple episodes with him . " I take a big gulp of the wine before lying on my stomach next to him . " Yea , I loved that show as well . I heard they were going to bring it back in May for twelve episodes , something like that , " he said , taking another sip , placing it on the bedside table , and then moving onto his side , propping his head up with his left hand . He began to play with my hair very lightly . God , it felt so good . As I took another sip of wine , he pressed it to my lips then took the glass from my hand , putting it next to his on the bedside table . He began to kiss me , his mouth so soft and sensual , and I reciprocated , almost hungrily . He was wearing a t - shirt under his dress shirt , which was still tucked into his dress slacks . There was something so sexy about this , about him . I stopped , my face just above his . He smiled at me , the cleft in his chin so prominent . I hadn 't noticed it before . I laid my head on his chest for a moment , just taking in his sensuality . His hand went back to my hair , pulling and wrapping it around and through his fingers . He lifted my face from his chest , kissing me lightly then more forcefully , lightly biting at my lower lip . He moved his hand down over my breasts , stopping at the nipple and encircling it with his finger . I felt it harden instantly . He then moved his body on top of mine and slowly began to move lightly back and forth over me . I could feel his hardness through his pants , his cock firmly brushing over my clothed body . I had a flashback to my first boyfriend and how I was introduced to the art of dry humping by him , although it was not an art , more like a playground wrestling match . This was fine art , truly . This was a grown man in a suit minus the jacket who was making this act extremely erotic and sensuous . I could feel my wetness soaking into my panties . " Mm . . . hmm . . . " was all I could muster . What he was doing was electrifying my body , sending small shudders down my back , striking into my pussy . He was at my mouth again , his lips soft and melding into mine as he continued to " air fuck " me . His soft moans , his mouth , the way his body moved , and his sensuality were like nothing I had ever experienced . I could feel my orgasm coming , my own moaning loud in my ears . He unzipped his pants then , pulling his cock out and looked at me as if asking if it were okay or not . I knew what he was asking . I pushed my dress up , just underneath my breasts , my stomach exposed . " Cum on me , Derek , please . " He closed his eyes then , drawing himself in close to my body , kissing me . I could feel his hand moving faster and faster , his moans low , guttural . He moved away again , and he came on my stomach , staring into my eyes . We lay there , my head resting on his chest . " That was wonderful , truly , " I said , lightly rubbing the top of his chest . " Mmm . I need to get you back home ; I have an early flight . I got up quickly from the bed , thinking maybe I shouldn 't have said that . Wait . I was sure I shouldn 't have said that . That was something you say in a relationship not a business transaction . " No , not at all , " I said , grabbing my shoes . " See you in a sec , " and , with that , I walked out , grateful for the fresh air . I climbed into the Jeep , immediately turning the ignition on so I could listen to music . About ten minutes later he got in and without a word , drove me back to the dorm . Before I got out , he handed me a wad of cash . " Night , Derek , " I said , shutting the car door . He smiled at me then drove off . Over the course of the next two months , I worked about five nights a week for only a couple hours , making ludicrous amounts of money . Most of the guys seemed pretty typical . The average age was about 58 . The sex was pretty straight , nothing kinky . One just liked to hold me ; that was it . It was easy money . I did end up telling Bridge about it , swearing her to secrecy . I had decided I was only going to do it for a couple more months then bow out . I had lied to my parents , telling them I was working at a friend of a friend 's coffee shop and that the tips were great . I had managed to save up a significant amount of money , buying myself time not to have to look for a real job until summer . I had seen Derek a total of about four times . The second time we were together was very similar to the first . The third and fourth time , we actually fucked , and it was incredible as I knew it would be . I found myself falling for him hard . He was always very quiet , speaking to me through his body and the way he made love to me . I wondered many times why he chose to pay for sex . Was he married , single , divorced , gay , bisexual ? If he was married , did he love her ? Why not just have an affair ? He could have any woman of his choosing , this I knew . Maybe he liked them young . Did they fall for him ? I had . Maybe he didn 't want the emotion of a relationship or a relationship for that matter . Was this his fantasy , his turn on ? A woman who didn 't ask him how his day was or what he was thinking . No fancy dinners , no flowers , no jewelry . Whatever it was , whatever he was , I was happy with it . Fuck , who was I kidding ? The questions still went on and on in my brain . Did he see others ? He knew I did . Was he jealous of the other men ? Did he wonder where I was , what I was doing when I wasn 't with him ? Did he lie in bed at night , thinking of them kissing my breasts , my hair , my lips , my sex ? Did it make him toss and turn ? God , so many questions I wanted to ask him . But none of it was my business . I thought of hookers , prostitutes , escorts , call girls , and strippers . How far would a woman go to feed her family ? How many hours away would she need to spend away from her children just to put food on the table or pay the light bill ? If roles were reversed , you know damn well men would be prostituting themselves . Judge all you want , but I got it now . I understood it . I would easily spend two hours on my back , making in one day what a minimum wage job paid in a month , especially if it were for my family . I thought of what my Grammy always use to say , " You never truly understand someone until you 've walked a mile in their shoes . " Yeah , a considerable amount of money in a short time , allowing for time with children , college , or perhaps caring for a dying family member . Did they too get ' wrapped up ' in a ' John ' ? Fall in love ? I suspected so , that it had happened thousands of times . Well , the questions would go on and on . In the meantime , it is what I had signed up for , agreed to . I hated it but not with Derek . Oh , God , the high I would get when he would pull up in the jeep , my heart beating quickly as we drove to the same hotel , usually in silence and I would stay in the jeep , listening to the radio , waiting for him to get settled , counting the minutes , anxious to be in his arms , his sensuous body . The night I died was like all the others . I waited in the Jeep , the radio on . The song " In The City " was playing , just like the first time I had been with Derek . I thought of Julia Stiles in the hotel room bed , her husband lying next to her . After she fell asleep , the man hiding behind the curtain , creeping up and cutting her with his knife . I wondered why she didn 't wake . How can you be cut , hell , touched for that matter , without waking ? Why did she think her husband was cutting her ? Did she ? The whole video was bizarre . That 's the whole idea , dummy , it 's just a video ! I grabbed the card key Derek had placed in my lap , deciding to leave my bag and shoes in the car this time . I would only be a couple of hours . I got out of the car , locked it , and made my way to room B14 this time . I was having déjà - vu . I hadn 't been in B14 yet , this I knew . I started thinking of déjà - vu , the oddity of it , no one really being able to explain it . I looked up then and saw Derek in the window , just standing there and looking at me , a quick wave and a smile . Looking just like Kiefer . I waved back , just like I did before . But he had never done that before . I was still having my déjà - vu . I didn 't use the card key . Derek was standing there in the doorway , waiting for me . He picked me up then , carrying me to the bed . I was thankful the déjà vu had stopped . He placed me on the bed , my head slightly hitting the headboard . " It didn 't even hurt , silly . It 's okay . " He began kissing me , his lips so soft on mine , his tongue languishing itself with mine . I felt my body come alive instantly as it always did the moment he touched me . I started to unzip my dress . " Like what do you mean by kinky ? Whips , chains ? " I asked , knowing the rules specifically said , nothing kinky . " No , no , like this . " He put his hands lightly around my throat , pressing softly . It felt good , really good . I immediately liked it . " Do you want to Ruby ? I would never ever hurt you . You can tell me if you don 't feel comfortable or if you want me to stop . " He looked like a little boy , explaining to his mother that he was sick today and couldn 't go to school merely because he wanted to spend the day with her , watching TV and playing board games . I couldn 't resist his eyes . I couldn 't resist anything about him , including some kinky desire he had to choke me . I decided to ask him a question , since he had opened the door to questions . " Yes , and she really liked it , " he said , his eyes still locked on mine . I didn 't want to know anymore . I had no desire to hear him speak of anyone else . I lifted my head off of the pillow , kissing him . He reciprocated , putting his hand on the back of my head , resting it back on the pillow . His mouth on my neck , kissing and slightly biting me . I felt his hand under my dress , slowly pulling my underwear down past my thighs . I maneuvered them the rest of the way down my legs and over my feet . I felt his hand , his finger , moving back and forth over my clit . I wanted him to go slower , but I couldn 't wait for him to penetrate me either . He tugged at his pants , pushing them and his underwear down over his ass . I could feel his cock so hard against my leg . He entered me then and , at almost the same time , he put his hands around my neck . With each thrust , he squeezed my neck . It was turning me on so much , and I felt my orgasm building . He knew I was about to cum , knowing my body well enough to know I was close . He fucked me feverishly , and I began to orgasm , my body arching , his hands tight around my neck . I held my breath as my orgasm shuddered through me . I felt his body cuming with mine ; we seemed in unison always . I couldn 't breathe . No , it wasn 't that . I couldn 't catch my breath . I sucked in nothing . Empty . As I tried to take a breath in , I felt a lightning bolt of pain in my head . It was excruciating . Then everything stopped , and I saw Julia Stiles in her red dress . She looked so beautiful and happy getting out of the cab , her blonde hair bouncing around her head . The pain was gone . I was floating now . The room had a mist , a slight film as if I were seeing everything through a fog . I went upwards , feeling my body , but it was without joints , muscles , bones , or blood . I felt so peaceful , euphoric , so alive ! Then I heard Derek . Derek screaming . " Ruby ! Oh , God , Ruby ! Oh , dear God , what have I done ? Ruby ! " I was high above , my back against the ceiling , as though I were a chandelier . Derek was over my body , shaking me , pleading with me to wake up , to breathe , to open my eyes . I began to scream at him , telling him I was okay . The screaming so loud in my ears , echoing through the room , though it is not a room anymore but a stage , and I am in a performance , the audience sitting in their chairs , their hands over their mouths , aghast at what they have just witnessed . My untimely death , my demise , my end . The end . Everyone is dressed in black except for Julia Stiles , who is seated in the front row , wearing her beautiful red dress . She is the only one clapping . " Encore , encore , " she screams as though I had just given the performance of my life . My life . What of it ? Is it over ? What is this ? Oh , no , not like this . This can 't possibly be . Wait , no ! Not like this , oh , God , not like this ! Please ! So many people are whispering in my ear . Voices from far away . I hear my grandmother , telling me how pretty I look . Derek is talking to me now . It is so loud and fast . It comes at me at once . All the questions being answered at once , in a flurry of whispers and shouts . He is married , going through a nasty divorce . She has everything wrong . She is a gold digger . His wife wants sole custody of his three - year - old twin girls , claiming him unfit , always out of town , a womanizer . None of this is true . Women come on to him . His wife 's friends have sided with her . They make up lies about him . They say he has come onto them , that he is a cheater , that they have seen him at restaurants and bars with other women . She will take all his money and run because that is what women do . She will take his girls away ; he will never see them again . He just wanted to be with a woman with no questions , no emotions . It could only be when he was out of town ; that had been his rule . No one would see him . It was his only solace . His only quiet . I was his only peace and quiet ! His two hours of joy with no attachment . I watch him cry . I feel his pain , his sadness . He kept asking himself What have I done ? over and over again . Jesus , what have I done ? What have I done ? What have I fucking done ? " " Derek ! " I shout at him . You have done nothing wrong . Nothing . I wanted you . You wanted me . You asked if this would be okay with me , I said ' Yes . ' You didn 't kill me , Derek . Oh , God , you think that you did ! You do ! But you didn 't Derek ! . Please , stop crying . Please . I can 't bear to watch you cry . He pulls his pants up , buttoning them . He puts on his socks and shoes . I see my body now that he has moved away from it , my hair splayed out on the pillow , my mouth slightly open as if about to speak . No words to be heard now . There are garish marks about my neck . Why ? He didn 't do it that hard . No . It didn 't hurt , not my neck . Only my head . He sits back down on the edge of the bed next to me , his body shaking and sweating , pale as hell . He rubs his palms down his legs , a nervous gesture , a frantic movement , over and over again . He stares at me for the longest time , touching my face , smoothing down my hair , as if I am a sacred doll , unbreakable , but now clearly broken , beyond repair , no glue will fix . How will he ever explain this to his mother . His mother . He cared about me . He loved our time together . He is so angry with himself . Why did I do that to her ? Why did I kill her ? Had she struggled for breath , and I hadn 't noticed ? Had she tried pulling my hands from her neck ? Poor Derek . His thoughts are everywhere in the room . They are crowding me , pushing at me , begging to be answered . I try to answer him . He can 't fucking hear me ! He is panicking now . No one can find out about this . He will be ruined forever . He will never see his daughters again . He will rot in prison . He would rather die than live with this guilt . His daughters would know their father was a twisted , kinky fuck who hired whores and murdered them . No , Derek . No . You are not . Not twisted , not kinky . It was just a mistake . An idea gone awry . His thoughts now are moving so swiftly through the air , bouncing this way and that , jumbled and coming at me so quickly I just can 't keep track of them . He is going to call Jane . She will know what to do . I watch him fish his cell from his pants pocket . He goes into the bathroom , shutting the door . I am sitting on the bed now , next to my body . My skin is so pale , no sign of life . Dead . What now ? I think of my parents . Oh , God , no , no , no ! This will kill them , cut them in half . Especially my daddy . Why does it have to be like this , this way ? Not Like this ! I frantically lay on top of my body , willing myself back in . Pleading with whatever God is out there to give me a second chance . Please , just this once . Unite us , body and soul . I promise to stop hooking . I promise to get a real fucking job . Please spare my parents from this heartache . Please . Please . Please . Nothing . I could hear Derek , his voice shaking and muffled . He came out of the bathroom , his face pale , tears running down his cheeks . The empathy I felt was something I had never experienced . Not like this . I was so much more aware of emotions . Mine and his . They were 3 - D , standing out on their own , like a building , a structure . He began searching the room , frantically . " No , Derek , my shoes and purse aren 't here . They are in the Jeep . Derek , go to the Jeep ! He grabbed the card key from the kitchen counter and left . Had he heard me ? Oh , God , could he hear me ? I went to the window watching him run across the lawn to the Jeep , opening the passenger side door . He then shut the door quickly , running back across the lawn . Within seconds , he was back in the room again . Jane had told him what to do . She had told him to calm the fuck down and listen to her . What he did next was beyond beautiful , beyond moving . He lay down next to me , grabbing my hand and wept . I could read no thoughts , his mind void of everything except for extreme sadness and heartache . He lay there with me for two hours , staring at the ceiling . Every so often , he would bring my hand to his face , brushing his tears away with my fingers then softly kissing my palm . At around three a . m . , he got up and looked out the window . Everyone is sleeping now . No one will see us . He picked me up , and , cradling my body like a small child , my head on his chest , he carried me out the door , down the stairs , and across the lawn . He put me into the Jeep and pulled the seatbelt across my chest , clicking it into place . He shut the door , going around to the driver 's side , stopping before he opened the door . He looked around , seeing no one watching us . He got in , looked over at me , and then started the engine . He began to weep again . I turned the radio up , unable to bear hearing his sobs . He looked at it strangely . I had done that . I had done that ! Derek , I know what you are going to do . Don 't do it . Please . Drive my body to the hospital ; explain what happened . Derek , please don 't do this ! I screamed this at him . He couldn 't hear me . His thoughts were coming at me again , quickly , they were all over the place . Samantha will take the girls far , far away . I will rot in prison . My parents will be disgraced and shunned by their neighbors . People will say I was such a nice man , a successful man , a family man . Where did he go wrong ? Derek pulled up to an abandoned warehouse covered with graffiti , the windows broken out . As he put the jeep in park , the song " In The City " came on . Derek , I love this song . Have you seen the video , Derek ? It 's the beautiful Julia Stiles in a red dress . God , she is pretty , Derek . Don 't you agree ? He turned towards me again , kissing the top of my head . I am so sorry , Ruby . Oh , God , Ruby , I am so sorry . He got out of the jeep , making his way to my side . He undid my seatbelt , catching my body as it began to slump further . He grabbed my purse off of the floor , putting it over his shoulder . He then grabbed my shoes , placing them in my lap , and with that , picked me up again , carrying me towards the abandoned building . No , Derek , please , don 't do this , Derek . This isn 't the right thing to do , Derek . He pushed the door open with his foot . A couple of rats ran across our path . Derek let out a low groan . He stopped for a moment , panting , his face sweating . His beautiful face was gone . Desperation , fear , and sadness ran across it now . The sparkle in his eyes dimmed by heartache . He was afraid . No , fucking petrified . He spotted a corner made somewhat cozy by a couple of abandoned blankets and two orange tulips . That is so odd . They are fresh ! He carefully put my hands on top of each other over my heart . He tucked the tulips under my hands , the tops were almost touching my nose , as if I was smelling them . Ruby . Beautiful Rub , . I am so , so sorry for all of this , Ruby . Derek began to cry again ' then he bent down , lightly kissing my cold lips . He got up and began to walk away . He stopped , turning around . Had he heard me again ? I have no other choice , Ruby . I don 't . I am so sorry . He walked away , leaving me in the dark warehouse . I tried to follow him , but I couldn 't . I tried to go through the door , but I only made it to the window , watching the Jeep drive away . Derek ! He was gone . I was alone , and my gaze went from the window to my body as Derek had placed me , looking peaceful , the blankets tucked around me , the tulips pushed underneath my hands . I sat there on the window sill for I don 't know how long just staring at my body . Would someone take it ? Where do I go ? I was afraid to go near me , afraid of the death , my death , my lifeless self . I was alone , no voices . Nothing . Trapped . I was between what ? Someone , show me , help me . Grammy wasn 't even here . What now ? I stayed there , alone . Two days later , a homeless man came inside seeking shelter , and found me . He went back outside , flagging down a motorist to call 911 . Within a half hour , my body was taken from the cold warehouse to the city morgue . My ID and cell phone were retrieved from my bag , and my parents were called to come and identify me . Watching them shuffle in , my mother 's arm around my father 's back as if holding him up , was heart wrenching . They moved so slowly as if putting off the inevitable by a few moments would soften the blow . I couldn 't watch this . I shut my eyes tightly , deafening out the sadness , their pain and suffering . Home . I want to be in my home , in my bed , snuggled under my blankets , listening to my iPod and watching the willow tree branches brush against my window in the moonlight . And there I was . As quickly as I had envisioned it , I was back in my childhood home , standing in the living room , the tic toc of the grandfather clock loud in my ears . Everything was so big , so … the view master . I thought of the box of old toys my mother pulled out of storage when she thought we were old enough to take care with them , one of them being a view master . You put the little round disc in , pushing down a little lever on the right . You looked through a miniature square lens , and an image would appear . Everything 3 - D . Yes ! My world was a giant view master . I began to sort through my new reality . I was dead , that I knew . But how ? Something sudden had happened , something in my head . I lay down on our old , white leather couch , covering myself with my grandmother 's beige chenille blanket , her smell still trapped within the fibers . What had I done ? A bad choice had resulted in my death . Was this a trick , a lesson ? But I didn 't do anything wrong . Ultimately , my parents were paying the price . They would never be the same . Would they ever smile again ? Laugh ? Oh , God , what had I done ? Derek . Poor Derek . Distraught Derek . I shut my eyes tightly . The smell had changed . Gone was my grandmother 's chenille blanket , the faint odor of Jergen 's lotion . I smelled now the aromatic sweetness of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies . Mmmmm , I could taste them now , their ooey goey goodness melting in my mouth . I opened my eyes to two beautiful twin girls , their blonde curls wispy around their cherubic faces , their blue eyes dancing as they giggled . They were seated at an island counter in the middle of a beautiful spacious kitchen . Then I spotted him . He was crouched down , playing peek - a - boo with them . He was wearing a pink tutu over his jeans , his blond head graced with a crown that said ' Princess ' He had a wand in one hand , the hand wearing a long white glove . In his other white - gloved hand , he held up an Elmo doll that he had just tripped over , making the girls roar with laughter , milk coming out of their noses . He was smiling and laughing but only for their benefit , to hide from them the slow death he was dying inside . The outrageous turmoil that was causing him to thin , his hair to begin falling out , his sudden bursts of anger , bouts of unending tears . His thoughts were all over the room , staring at me in big bold letters . They were jumbled , hitting me at once . Ruby … help , Oh God … I will lose my babies … My job … A trial where I will be found guilty … Death … Electric Chair … worse yet … will rot in prison … I can 't go through that … my daughters can never know … but Samantha will tell them … What will she say ? Ruby , I am so sorry , Ruby please help . . . Ruby the cops are closing in Ruby , I want to die Ruby … I am so sorry , Ruby , why did this happen to us , to me ? . . . We are good people . I felt safe with you Ruby , happy ! I shut my eyes tightly , pushing his thoughts from me , and just as quickly as I had arrived , I was gone , back home again , snuggled under Grammy 's chenille blanket , the Jergen 's lotion smell strong in my nose . Then I heard them , my parents , their sobs cutting into the darkness . I went into their room . They were lying on their bed , still clothed , not having the energy to do anything but collapse on the bed , quivering and shaking in the darkness . I kissed them ; I lay with them ; I cried with them ; I told them I was okay . I am OK ! They held each other tightly . Their anguish was more than I could bear . I got up , standing in the doorway , their thoughts crowding the room , stifling , making it unbearable . Oh , dear Lord , not our baby , please , not our baby , take us now . Who did this ? What monster in heel could kill a beautiful young girl , our girl ? … Her body cold , dead , gone ! I want to die too ! I can 't take this pain ! I can 't . … I will find the son of a bitch that did this and fucking gut him like the pig that he is , … this fucking monster , not my baby ! I shut my eyes tightly , blocking them out . Suddenly I couldn 't hear them anymore and realized I was standing in the morgue with my body which had been placed on a table , my brown hair splayed about , my skin a bluish pallor , my lips shriveled . I was naked . I wanted to cover myself but realized how ludicrous that thought was . Showing modesty when dead is , well , isn 't that why I was here in the first place ? For my lack of modesty ? Joining John the coroner was his buddy Adam Stevenson , Pathologist . They both held knives in their gloved hands . They worked together when a criminal autopsy was called for as they had done for years . " ' Cause I can 't stand the son of a bitch . He 's got a fuckin ' comment about every shot I take . Just can 't take it no more . Motherfuckin ' cocksucker . I 'd love to shove my nine iron up his Godforsaken , smelly asshole . " They were comical , these two , and though I wanted to hangout just for the conversation alone , I shut my eyes tightly just as they were ready to make the first incision . I was suddenly back in my dorm room with Bridgette . Poor Bridge . The police had just left her apartment , seizing my computer and some personal items . She was packing , intent on going home for a few days to grieve and be with her parents . She had told the police about the hooking , and it would be only a matter of time before they had contacted Jane and had a list of the ' Johns . ' She seemed to be void of any emotions , or I was just unable to draw much from her . I sensed fear more than anything else . She was already arranging to move out of the dorms and in with some friends that had a house . Best friends or not , she was angry at Jane for this whole hooking thing , not liking it from the get - go . I sensed after all was said and done , this would kill the relationship between Bridge and Jane . In fact , I already knew Jane would lose a lot of friends from this and be outcast from many circles . She would eventually get her ' come upins ' . I sat down on my bed , looking up at my bulletin board full of pictures , concert tickets , and a couple of birthday cards . I tried retrieving a photo of Bridge and me , not realizing how hard it would be for me . In the process , the whole thing came crashing down . Crap . What had I done ? Poor Bridge almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of the bulletin board hitting the floor , pictures and papers askew . She turned , staring at me for what seemed an eternity . Could she see me ? She then left the room quickly , forgetting to shut the door . She had seen me . I was sure of it . A few minutes later she came in with Chelsea , our R . A . " She was there , right there , I am sure of it , " said Bridge . Her face had gone pale , her breathing heavy . She was pointing to the exact spot I had been standing . Chelsea began picking up the debris from the fallen bulletin board . " Just grab your stuff . Come wait in my room , " said Chelsea . I intentionally came out from behind the door , standing in front of the girls . Without a word , Bridge grabbed her stuff and they both left , locking the door behind them . Neither one of them had seen me . I grabbed the photo of Bridge and me and shut my eyes tightly , and I was back home . The cops had just left my parents ' house , telling them of the coroner 's report . They had more information for my parents , but that would come later . They wanted them to get through the initial shock of the autopsy findings before they dumped any more on them . Being the state they were in , I agreed . They were seated at the kitchen table , across from each other . The cops had seen themselves out , my parents still digesting what they had just heard . Our daughter wasn 't murdered ? She had suffered a brain aneurysm ? Who was she with ? In a hotel room ? Why ? She let a man choke her ? We didn 't raise her like that ! She hadn 't suffered . It was quick , said the police . Where is the man who did this ? Then the anger came , their thoughts being thrown around the room . Mostly they were my mother 's thoughts , my father looking sullen , somber , and numb . Would he get through this ? I sat down at the table with them . I had had a brain aneurysm that ruptured , resulting in a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage . The cops said that it could have happened anywhere , in the grocery store , putting on make - up , driving down the road . Derek simply had the bad luck of being with me when it did . Brain aneurysm ? It made sense to me ; that was for sure . I had been suffering some weird headaches as of late , downing way too much ibuprofen . I guessed the ' bearing down ' during orgasm had something to do with it , causing the hemorrhage . That explained the quick flash of pain I had felt in my head . I knew Derek had not hurt me . Just a fluke thing . I shut my eyes tightly . I was back in the warehouse where Derek had placed me . The entire sight had been covered with yellow ' crime scene ' tape . The blankets were gone as were the two orange tulips . I sat down in the spot Derek had laid me , grateful to be free of the noise from everyone 's thoughts coming at me . I sat for a long time ; then I heard crying . Sobbing . I shut my eyes tightly , following the sadness . I opened my eyes , and I was standing in my dorm room . It was Bridge , and she was sitting on her bed , staring at what was once a lively , colorfully - decorated , girl 's college dorm room . Now it was empty , my things gone , retrieved by my aunt , my parents unable to cope at the moment if ever . She looked around , tears streaming down her face , at the gray walls , the bleakness . I sat down on my bed , across from her . Bridge , don 't be afraid , honey . I 'm ok . It will all be ok . I love you , Bridge . She looked straight at me as I said this . Straight at me . She could see me . I knew it . Her voice so soft , quivering , trying to summon some sort of strength . She hadn 't believed in ghosts . Until now , until me . I was a ghost . Fuck . That was a hard pill to swallow . Who could see me ? The chosen few ? Is that lucky , not lucky ? Who knew ? " I can 't stay long , Bridge . I can 't be here much longer , that I know . It will all be okay , honey . You will get through this . Please . If not for yourself , for me . Live for me , love for me . This is the best time of your life . " I put my arm around her . She began to really sob . " I don 't have those answers for you , honey . You need to find them for yourself . I can only love you and tell you that I love you . Here . " " Oh , my God , I looked for this everywhere . I saw you the day the bulletin board crashed down . I thought I saw you , but then thought I just imagined it . But I did . Thank you Ruby . " I got up from the bed , holding her hand . I felt a strong pull , knowing right away I needed to be somewhere else , quickly . " Bridge , I have to go now . Be strong . You can ; I know it . I love you . " She sprung from the bed , suddenly , lunging her body at me as though I would certainly disappear at this very moment . " I love you , Ruby . I love you , Ruby . " I shut my eyes tightly , still hearing I love you , Ruby , I love you , Ruby loudly in my ears . I opened them , and I was in the cold graffiti - laden warehouse again . I wasn 't alone . Sitting in the corner where my body had once been lain was Derek . His face was twisted in anguish and sadness . His mind was void of any thoughts except for one blaring one . As I moved closer to him , I saw he held in one hand two orange tulips . In the other was a gun . " Derek , don 't do this baby . Talk to the police , Derek . I know you have been questioned , but you did nothing wrong . It 's all coming out now , Derek . I died from a brain hemorrhage . The cops said it could have happened anywhere , anytime . I was a ticking time bomb . " He stared at me , blankly , not believing what he was seeing or hearing , deeming it impossible . He blinked . Once , twice , and then closed his eyes . I saw his body take a deep breath in and exhale slowly . He opened his eyes . " Ruby , God , Ruby . I am so sorry . I can 't do this . I can 't . I can 't face anyone . " " Shut the fuck up , Derek . What kind of a man takes the easy way out ? What kind of a man robs two beautiful , little girls of someone they are so in love with ? You know what you would do to them ? I love my daddy . And no matter what he did or I did , I would love him . I saw his face at the morgue as he looked at my dead body . Don 't do that to your girls . They will understand a lot of things , but I guarantee they would not understand you taking your own life . No family ever understands that , ever . Don 't make them suffer that way . Please . Think about your own parents . Now stop your fucking , pansy ass whining . Go to the cops ; tell them that you were with me . They know that anyway . Come clean . Face the music for your daughters ' sake . I can 't be with my daddy anymore . Don 't do that to your girls , please , honey . Promise me . You 're a beautiful , wonderful man . Okay , you made a bad decision . Big fucking deal . " Derek put the gun down , kicking it across the room . " Ssshhhhh … . enough . I know . Now go . Everything will be fine . " " But what about you ? Where will you go ? Are you afraid ? How will I know if you 're okay ? " he asked , his face beginning to soften again . " Come on , silly , you 've seen enough ghost movies to know that when my work here is done , I move on . I will be fine , that I already know . " I kissed him softly . " Goodbye Derek , " and with that I shut my eyes tightly . I was back in my house again , lying underneath my Grammy 's chenille blanket . She was calling for me . I could hear her louder I stayed around long enough to find out that Derek had indeed gone to the police . No charges were filed . Bridgette moved into a beautiful Victorian house with a group of friends . She had framed the photograph of us together , placing it on her bedside stand . She no longer spoke to Jane . Needless to say , the cops shut down PMS . Jane was expelled from school . My funeral was to take place in the next couple of days . It was time for me to go . Time heals all , this I knew . My parents were seated at the dinner table . I sat with them , watching them move their food around their plates . I couldn 't read their thoughts anymore . I was giving myself over slowly , crossing over to another plane . I got up from the table , going over to my mother and kissing her softly , saying goodbye . I went over to my daddy . I stared at him for the longest time , and then I touched his face softly . He brushed his cheek with his hand . He had felt me . I whispered in his ear . I love you , daddy . He turned his head , looking right at me . He stared at me , a tear rolling down his cheek . Did he see me ; could he see me ? Derek didn 't attend the funeral , but he stayed in town until it was over . I watched him pay his respects late at night after everyone was gone . He held a bundle of orange tulips . I couldn 't bear to go near . I didn 't want to see my grave . I waited for him by the jeep . I placed the orange tulip , the one he had given me , on the passenger seat . He got in and saw it there . He smiled and started the car . " In The City " was playing on the car radio . My turn to smile . |
One of the good wife 's sisters and family came to our home for Memorial Day weekend . Her husband had talked to me about the bees , so I told him I would wait until he came before I inspected my bees . They got here Saturday around noon and off we went to the hives . I was anxious to see how the bees were doing . How much comb had they drawn out ? Was there still sugar water for them in the hive top feeder ? WERE THE QUEENS THERE ? ? ? When I hived the bees last weekend , neither of the queens could be found . Now granted , a lot of time wasn 't spent looking for the queens as I didn 't want to stress them out any more with the move from the nuc to the hive . Oldest son had been asking me to get another bee suit so he could join me , so late last week another jacket and veil was purchased . Oldest son can use it , and so can anyone that comes to visit and wants to take a look at the hives . So let me know and stop by for a look ! A new smoker fuel was tried this time . The gentleman I bought the extra jacket and veil from told me he used to use old blue jeans . Natural cotton fiber and it would smoke a lot as it smoldered in the smoker . So before we went out to the hives , one of my old pair of jeans with some holes in them ( no longer good for checking bee hives ) got cut into strips for the smoker . Once at the hive , I was much more prepared . I had the few tools and items I needed ready , although I forgot my squirt bottle of sugar water . Next time . I took off the top and there was still some sugar water in the hive top feeder . That was good , as it was a week since I first checked and had no idea how much they would take . The hive tool then came in handy to separate the hive top feeder and the hive body . There were a lot of bees in there ! I pulled out the frame on the end and there were a few bees , but that was about it . Nothing surprising . Then we worked our way towards the middle , taking out frame by frame . They were really starting to draw out some of my frames pretty well . I was impressed . It was working how it was supposed to be . The bees seemed really active , and it was hot out and a storm was heading our way . Not sure if that had anything to do with it , but every time I tried to grab a frame , the bees would always seem to move right where I was going to grab . They would then crawl up on my fingers and hands . It was a sensation that I still wasn 't ready for . They didn 't look like they were going to sting me , but it still made me a bit nervous . Oldest son was trying to spot the queen as we got into the middle frames that came from the nuc . I was able to see that some of the brood had hatched and that there were new eggs in some of the cells . The queen had been there . That was just as good as seeing the queen , but we kept going . We wanted to see what she looked like and how she was marked . Then we saw her . She had a nice yellow dot on her back . She was moving around and the area she was in had new eggs and some larva there . She was busy at work ! Oldest son is pointing to the queen in the photo above . If you click on the photo and look at the full version , you can see the queen . Oldest son and my brother - in - law traded the suit and he helped me with the next hive . This one was also doing really well , and we did the same process in the search for the queen . Again we saw some eggs and larva before the queen . We ended up going all the way through the nuc frames to the other new frames and then we finally found the queen . She was in there working away on a new frame that I had made for the hive . A sense of pride and accomplishment , although I had very little to do with any of it . The one really odd thing that has me curious , nervous and perplexed , is that it appears that there are a bunch of bees building comb on the outside of the hive under the screened bottom board . I noticed that some of the nuc frames had comb underneath the frames , and that it had touched the screened bottom board . I 'm not sure if it was the bees that had been left in the nuc out front of the hive and that when they came back to the hive , they just went under the hive instead of in the hive ? I 'm not sure if I should scrape that comb off there , or scrape the comb off the bottom of the frames ? If anyone reading this knows or has an informed opinion , please let me know . I 'll have to e - mail some of the people from the bee club to get their opinion . They are always so generous and willing to take the time to help us new bee keepers . Luckily , the next bee club meeting is this coming Thursday evening , so I should be able to get some answers by then . The frames are filling out really well . I may be able to put another hive body on next weekend or later that week . If the population of the hive keeps growing , they are going to need the room and will be able to work quickly . One tool I do need to remember to take with next time is a small strainer , such as a sugar strainer that you use for sprinkling onto french toast or something like that . There were quite a few dead bees in my hive top feeder , and I would like to be able to scoop them out of there and clear the way . Maybe the hive top feeder surface needs to be scratched up a bit to give the bees more traction . With the one hive building comb underneath , it is straining my engineering common sense . I am very much an orderly person and like to have lists . Everything should be in its place and go according to common sense . Bees seemed like the perfect hobby , hexagon cells , a defined social structure . Everything should go like clock work . Of course , ask any experienced bee keeper , and that is about the opposite of how it will go . I can already tell that these bees are going to push me to expand my comfort zone , and that I am not driving . I 'm just a long for the ride . Two weekends ago I went and got my first hands - on experience with bees . It was a week day and I was planning to get home in time to go and pick up oldest son from school . I was running a bit late because it was so fun working with the bees and talking with Pat . On the drive home , the plan was to come to the house , change clothes real quick , grab a few things and head to school . I pulled into the driveway and opened the car door . I heard this horrible squawking coming from the guineas . I dropped everything and ran down toward the coop and run . As I ran down towards the coop , I could hear the guineas way down in the woods behind the coop . Up to this point , they hadn 't gone into the woods . They had staying in our yard when they were free - ranging . I went barreling through the woods , and down at the bottom of the ravine I could see our neighbor 's 7 - month old yellow lab standing over one of the guineas . I yelled at her and she ran off . Looking around I saw guinea feathers everywhere . It looked like one of the guineas had gone through a Whiz - Bang chicken plucker . I looked around and there it was . It didn 't look visibly injured . I ran up to the house to get a pair of gloves to pick it up , in case it got mad and tried to claw at me . They have some wicked long claws and don 't seem afraid to use them . As I headed back to the house , I saw one of the guineas by the run and stuck it inside . When I was running back down to the woods , I saw two guineas out of the corner of my eye . They were hunkering down under a small bush . They sure blend in well with their surroundings out there . I got close and they started to squawk . As they started making noise , another guinea came walking out of the woods towards the other two . Soon I had three guineas herding back towards the run . Once inside the run , it wast back down to the woods to get the injured guinea . Walking towards the guinea I saw that the neighbor 's lab had come back to the guinea in question . After yelling at the dog I chased it out the back of the woods to another neighbor 's road . The dog seemed to figure out that it was done there and headed home . Usually the guineas are very skittish and won 't let us get near them to pet or touch them . This one just laid there . As I reached down to pick it up , it looked up at me . It didn 't move . I scooped it up and carried it back towards the run . It just laid in my hands and didn 't move . It must have figured at that point , I was the lesser of the two evils . The squawking from the other guineas already in the run got it 's attention and it started to perk up . I set the guinea on the ground to open the gate and soon as the gate opened , it stood up and walked in . It didn 't seem to limp or have any other problems . My watch showed there wasn 't any more time to spend looking for the last guinea . There was still one guinea out there . I couldn 't leave it behind ! I had to find it ! Back into the woods . I walked around , yelling and calling for it . Not sure that would have done much , but I thought if it heard my voice , it may know it was safe to come out . After looking for a few more minutes , the search was called off . As I walked out of the woods past the run , there was the sixth guinea , standing next to the run wanting to get in with it 's friends . I opened the door and in it went . All six guineas were safe ! I know it is probably against blogging etiquette to use so many exclamation points in the title of this post , but I am a bit excited , if you couldn 't tell ! Oops , there is another one . I apologize now that this blog is going to be long , but there are a bunch of pictures to show and information to share about something I have been waiting a long time for . Friday night at 12 : 30am I awoke to my cell phone ringing . I answered it and confirmed the call . I then went into the bathroom to try to keep from waking up the Good Wife and got my phone tree list . I then called the next person on the list below my name , letting them know that the bees would be arriving at approximately 1am at the Powhatan , VA fire station . I quickly got dressed and headed for the car . I had already put a few tools and things into the car that evening that I might need for this journey . I got to the fire station and was like one of the bees , arriving in a swarm . All the other HBA ( Huguenot Beekeepers Association ) members were arriving , anxious for their bees . After a few minutes of conversation about what is blooming , what is flowing and other bee talk ( I didn 't have much of a clue about most of it , but nodded my head as though I was affirming everything they were saying ) , the truck with the bees arrived . I wish I had gotten a picture , but forgot . Remember , I was excited . It was a small flatbed truck loaded up with 65 nucs full of bees . It was quite a site . Once I got the boxes into the back of the car , I put my hand on the screen on the end , and I could feel the heat coming out of that box . It was amazing how much heat those bees were producing . When I picked up the bees , they instructed us that we would need a philips head screw driver to open the hives . Did I pack a philips head screwdriver ? Lets see , I packed the camera , a hive top ( not sure why I packed that ) , my hive tool , a towel , a flashlight , my bee jacket , my bee veil , my leather gloves , nitrile gloves , a . . . nope , no screwdriver . So I had to go past the house on the way back from picking up the bees to grab a screwdriver . It was only about a 1 / 4 - mile out of my way , so no major problem . I got to my apiary and set one box on top of each hive . They looked so nice . As I was putting the boxes on top of the hives , I noticed a few bees on the outside of the boxes that were hanging around the screen hole on the one end . I 'm glad I didn 't notice those when I put them in my car , or I probably would have been thinking they were flying around my head on the drive back , ready to sting me for taking them away from their homes . Once I put them on my hives , I got my screwdriver and opened up the entrance to each nuc . I didn 't bother putting on my bee veil or anything as it was cool out and they didn 't seem that active . I 'm sure the long drive on the back of the truck bed got them a bit disoriented . Once I opened the entrance on one of the hives , the bees slowly started climbing out and going around the entrance to the hive . It looked like a sausage maker full of bees pouring out the front . I was quite amazed at all the bees coming out , but I didn 't want to hang around to watch in case they were upset about their ride . It was also past 2am by this time . With that , I went home and went back to bed . The hiving of the bees would wait until Saturday afternoon . Saturday afternoon came and it was time to " hive the bees . " I won 't lie , I was as nervous as I was excited . I had read all about what I was to do . I even read Beekeeping for Dummies from cover to cover . Other HBA members had assured me it would be no problem . I had some hands - on experience the week before . But there was no one else there , except for me and the oldest son . He was there to document the experience , good or bad . He stood nearer to the car than the hives , just in case it went bad . Not sure if he didn 't have faith in my abilities or was just the more logical of the two of us at the time . I got my smoker going and got suited up . I had all my tools out of the car and the hatch closed , just in case things went really bad and the oldest son needed a place to hide . Off to " hive the bees . " I took my drill and removed the two screws from the lid . Then I realized I had to move one of the nucs off the hive to open it up . I took the drill and put the screws back into the lid . The bees were all around the front and didn 't leave me a good place to grab the nuc . A little puff of smoke and they moved out of the way . I moved the nuc over to the other hive next to the other nuc . I took my drill and removed the two screws from the lid , again . I had to use my hive tool to pry open the top of the lid . It was amazing as I looked into the nuc and saw all the bees in there . They had started to create comb between the top of the frames and the lid , which is why it was so difficult to open . After a bit more smoke on the top of the frames to get the bees to go down into the frames , I grabbed the first frame and took a look . I was looking for the queen , which was supposed to be marked with a yellow paint dot . I didn 't see her on this frame , but I also didn 't spend a lot of time looking . The bees were anxious and so was I . I wanted to get them into their home as quickly as possible . This was also one of the outside frames , so I figured the queen may be more towards the center . I grabbed a second frame . No queen there . At least not with my 30 second look on each side . There were so many bees . During my hands - on experience the week before , I don 't think I saw this many bees the whole day . These frames were LOADED ! ( This one required the exclamation point . ) Quickly I got the frame into the hive . There were a lot of bees flying around by now . I grabbed the third and fourth frame from the nuc and put them into the hive . I checked each one for the queen , and I didn 't see her . I will admit that it was a half hearted attempt to find the queen . It was hot out , I was sweating a lot , although I don 't believe these two were related on this day . Once all four frames were in the hive , I got the frames situated and spaced correctly . Then I had to get the rest of the bees that were in the nuc box into the hive . A quick thump of the box on the ground and then I poured the remaining bees into the hive . Just so you don 't think I made a goofy decision to do it this way , I was told by everyone that this is how it is done . The bees didn 't seem to mind , but it sure put a lot more bees into the air . I quickly got the top feeder placed and then the top lid placed . I was done . . . with the first hive . I will admit that the second hive went slightly easier . I knew what to expect to some extent , and the hive I had already placed was the hive that seemed more active and looked like the sausage press of bees the night before . On the second hive , I moved the nuc box to the other hive top before removing the screws on the lid . I did learn something . I did a quick inspection of each frame , trying to find the queen on this hive . Again , I was unsuccessful at locating the queen on any of the four frames from the second nuc . My goal was more speed and getting the frames put into the hive , than taking the time to look around for the queen . There were so many bees , it wasn 't going to be easy . And by now , there were a LOT of bees in the air . As with the first nuc , once the frames were installed , a quick thump of the nuc on the ground and a quick pour into the hive . After I got the hive top feeders filled , I placed the nucs and lids at the front of each hive , hoping that any bees that were still in the nucs would find their way back into the hive that they were near . There weren 't many left , but I wanted to give all the bees a chance to be a part of the hives . Overall , it was a good experience . Everything went as I was told it should go , for the most part . I never expected the nucs to be that full , of bees or brood . These hives look like they are going to explode in population in the next couple weeks . The queen was much harder to find than I thought she would be . And I didn 't get stung once ! In my book , that was a successful " hiving of the bees . " I did have one interesting thing happen . While I was doing the second hive , there seemed to be one persistent bee that kept banging into my veil . She just kept flying around my head and banging into my veil . Once I was done and walked back to the car , she was still there , banging into me . I even took the smoker , closed my eyes and gave my head a couple puffs of smoke , figuring that she would leave . Nope . She was my new friend . The oldest son thought it was funny and took a picture . You can see it right in front of my face , buzzing around and banging into my veil . But I was done , and it was time to get out of the bee suit . I walked over to the hives and gave her a gentle swat to the side with my hand and I quickly walked back to the car . Apparently that was enough to discourage her from using her stinger on me and ending her life . Besides , she had a brand new hive that needed her help . I went back and checked on the hives today ( Sunday ) . I wanted to make sure a skunk or raccoon or something didn 't get into the nucs in front of the hives . I was pleased to see everything where I had left it . There were still a few bees in the nucs , but they may have been cleaning out the left over honey from the burr comb they built on the sides and on the lid . I walked around to the front , giving them a large distance since I didn 't have my veil on . I took my binoculars with me and looked at the entrances . The bees were coming and going . That was a good sign . In about 5 days or so , I will go back to the hives and open them up to see if I can find the queen . If I can 't find the queen , at least I can look for eggs as a sign that she is there . My bee adventure has officially begun . Remember , I am as new as it gets to this hobby , so I am sure I am going to do things wrong . But at the same time , whenever you ask more than one beekeeper a question , you will be guaranteed to get more than one answer . Please leave me your comments so I can learn if you have a different suggestion for how I should do something . I just hope that I am able to take good care of the bees and next year , they will take care of me with some honey for the Good Wife . This week I got my bee hives setup and ready . I 'm glad I took the advice of everyone in the club and got things ready before the bees come , since it took a little longer than I anticipated . Sydney , a friend from my church , volunteered to house the bees on his property where he keeps his horses since the Good Wife did not want them at our house . I am hoping that I can change her mind as I grow my apiary in the future , but since she is allergic to bees , I can understand her hesitation . Although , after my hands - on experience , I don 't think she has much to worry about . Most people get stung by the nasty wasps and hornets out there , not honey bees . Sydney has 10 acres and uses about four for his horses , and grows hay on the other six . My hives are near the road on the opposite end of the property from the horses , so that shouldn 't be any conflict . I setup my hives using a couple cinder blocks and some 4 " x4 " boards . I dug down into the ground a bit to give them a slight lean forward , so when it rains , the rain will stay out of the hive , instead of going in . I also put another 4 " x4 " under the hives in the middle and added an eye bolt on either side of the hives , so I can strap them down with bungee cords or tie - downs , to keep the lids on when we get some good winds . Overall it looks like a good setup . I am using a regular screened bottom board on the hive to the left in the picture above , and an " Ultimate Bottom Board " on the right hive . I am trying both out to see which I like . For setup , I like the regular bottom board , because I don 't have to worry about the feet being right on the boards , which reminds me , I need to put a strip of wood on the front 4 " x4 " so it keeps the hive from sliding forward and the feet falling off . The bees will be right next to about 26 acres of hay fields with a stream on the other side of the property . They should be able to find that water and be good to go . I 'm anxious , but not too nervous any more . I hope the bees like their new homes and enjoy the view . I know I do . There are a lot of berries growing on these plants , and we have had plenty of rain to keep them nourished and full of moisture . I did get one of the first strawberries to ripen on my birthday last week . It wasn 't the sweetest strawberry I have ever tasted , but it did taste good . It may not have been fully ripe , but it came from our garden . The kids really enjoy going out there and picking some of the strawberries . I have to keep them from picking too many that aren 't ripe . We were planning to go to a baseball game the other night with some friends , so the boys picked some strawberries to take with and give to them . We were able to sneak them into the stadium , and the seventh inning stretch never tasted so good ! It is just a couple days until my commitment to the bees will be tested . They will arrive in the wee hours of the morning , and they will be my responsibility . Starting as several hundred bees , and growing to thousands and thousands . All relying on me to provide them with a good home and the food that they will need to make it through the winter . But I am getting ahead of myself . I figured that if I was going to have bees , I should at least get one hands - on experience with someone 's bees before I got my own . A gentleman from my church named Pat heard that I was going to have bees , and many months ago gave us some honey from his hives and invited me to come see them . It was time I took him up on his offer . So last weekend I took a day off work and headed to his apiary , which is a fancy word for bee yard . Pat had talked to me briefly last fall , and told me to save some money and not get a full bee suit . I wouldn 't need it . I kind of believed him , but was nervous when I did buy just a jacket and veil . I also bought leather bee gloves with the long sleeves at that time , but later learned that they can help spread disease between hives , so I then bought the rubber coated gloves with the long sleeves . Then I go up to Pat 's apiary and he just uses nitrile gloves . I wanted to look like an expert as quickly as possible , so I asked to use a pair of his nitrile gloves and kept my assorted long sleeved pairs of gloves in the truck . We first checked out a nuc he had near his garage that he had used some frames for a display hive . A very simple setup with five frames . I looked over his shoulder and watched . We had one little incident , where we set the smoker on top of his plastic garbage can . It didn 't take long before we had a hole in his garbage can and the melted plastic on the bottom of my smoker . It was now initiated ! I had brought my camera along to take a few photos . We went out to the front of his garage near the woods and opened up a full hive . I took some photos as we worked our way through the frames . We were looking for the queen to make sure she was there and laying eggs . Can you see the queen in the picture above ? I actually spotted her first , which made me smile and gave me a big confidence boost that I knew what I was looking for . Of course , before I pointed out the queen , I pointed out three or four drone bees and asked if they were the queen . So much for getting too confident ! ( The queen is right in the center of the picture with the longer abdomen and dark brown tip of her tail . She also has a dark brown spot on the top of her body . ) We continued looking through the frames , checking for brood , eggs , larvae and anything that would let us know the queen was doing her job . The picture above is a frame of brood . Right in the center of the picture you can see a brand new bee coming out of the comb . Luckily they aren 't like chickens in the cartoons that the first thing they see they believe is their momma , or I would have had a bee hanging around me the rest of the day ! After checking a few more frames and realizing that the queen was doing really well and the hive was really strong , we added a new hive body on top to make sure they had room as there were five frames of brood , and within 21 days or so , there were going to be a LOT more bees in that hive . We ended up going through five hives that day . After the first one , Pat let me do all of the work and handling of the frames , using the hive tool , the smoker and opening and closing the hives . I got plenty of gentle instruction along the way and got the confidence that I can do it ! Above is another picture of a queen from another hive . Again , she is right in the center , but this one has an abdomen that is much lighter in color . I have shown pictures of frames with bees and brood , but above is a frame of honey , with a good portion of it capped . It was amazing how heavy that frame was with all the honey in it . The honey that isn 't capped yet is still being worked by the bees , waiting until it gets the right moisture content before capping it up . This is my ultimate goal , but it won 't come until next year , after the bees build up their home and get it ready for the honey next year . This year , everything they make will be theirs to be used for the winter . I 'm sure the hive inspections we did that day could have been done in a very short amount of time , maybe a half hour , but we spent a total of four hours there . I was fascinated by every frame , wanting to look at everything and soak it in . Pat never showed any sign of rushing and was a most generous instructor . I offered to help him out when he harvests the honey from his hives , hoping to get some more experience for next year . I know I can do it now . My hives are built , frames are built and foundation is mounted . Now I need to get them setup and ready for the bees . One important thing I did learn that day that I forgot to mention . Once you start handling the frames , it 's best not to use your camera with your gloves on again . It tends to get a bit sticky , but it does taste good ! At my bee club meeting I found out that my bee nucs will be arriving on Friday night , May 20th ! I am excited and nervous , all at the same time . I really need to get some hands on time before then , just so I can have a little confidence . Here is the plan . A couple guys from our bee club will drive down to Wytheville , VA the afternoon of the 20th . They can 't close and pack up the nucs until the evening , when the foragers come back to the nucs . Then they will load up the 65 or so nucs our club has ordered , and start driving back to Powhatan , VA . Once they get to about Buckingham , VA they will make their first calls on the phone tree we have setup . In theory , everyone will be called and notified to head down to the fire station in Powhatan , VA . The nucs should arrive around 1am . The nucs will then be distributed and off we go . Apparently last year , they bought about 35 nucs , and it only took about 10 - 15 minutes to hand them out and be on their way . I 'm hoping it won 't take much more than that , since it is a 30 minute drive there from my home . Once I have my nucs , I am supposed to go to my hives and place the nucs on top of the hives and then open up the front door , to allow the bees to take their cleansing flights the next morning from being cooped up in the nucs for so long . I 'm not supposed to actually hive the bees until that next evening . By then they should be calmed down and not as agitated from being bounced around in the back of a truck . Lets hope so . Unless you have been sequestered to a hole in the ground for the last year or so , you are aware of the group coupon sensation Groupon . I get a daily e - mail showing me the " Deal of the Day . " A lot of it is for local restaurants or service industries , such as house cleaning , massages and car detailing . Occasionally things come along that allow you to add a new experience in your life . That day came along last fall . My daily e - mail came to me enticing me with a beginner hang gliding lesson . I couldn 't resist . I clicked on the " Buy Now " and forgot about it . About mid - February I got an update e - mail from Groupon reminding me to use the coupons I had bought . On the list , along with a car detailing service coupon , which I am waiting for the pollen invasion to end before using , I saw the hang gliding coupon . It had an expiration date towards the end of April . I also had my China trip at the beginning of April , so I called and scheduled my hang gliding experience right after getting back from China . That always sounds like a good idea before my trip , but after the trip I am usually so tired and worn out that I wonder what I was thinking . The day came and I headed out past Mechanicsville to Blue Sky Hang gliding . It was a cool , clear morning with a lot of dew on the ground . I wondered how we were going to learn to hang glide when I couldn 't see a hill higher than 10 feet around . All I saw was a wheat field growing and a long stretch of grass that was the runway . After watching Steve setup the hang gliders , I got fit into a harness and signed the waiver . Then I signed some more , initialed here and there , signed a couple more places that mentioned that it was a hazardous sport , death was possible , blah , blah , blah . Initial here , here , here and here , then sign at the bottom . Out to the runway for ground school . Another couple showed up partway through ground school and the explanation of how to control the glider in flight . Out on the runway , sitting next to the glider was a simple setup , consisting of a moped bolted to a small trailer with wheel chocks under the trailer . The rear wheel was replaced with a spoon of cord that went all the way down the runway to a pulley and then all the way back to the hang glider . This cable would then be hooked to my harness and the hang glider . After a little more instruction I was hooked up to the cable , lifted the glider then called " All clear " and started to run . I only took about a step before the cable was pulling me and the glider down the runway as I was running to keep up . Two steps and the glider was lifting itself . A few more steps and my feet were treading air . I was flying ! Or gliding as it may be . Either way , I was off the ground and sailing through the air . Now I 'm going right , pull my weight to the left . Now I 'm going left , pull my weight to the right . Now left , now right , now left . I 'm off the runway , here comes the ground ! Luckily there are wheels on these gliders , so if you don 't get your feet underneath you , the glider will land and roll without flipping . And I was only about 5 - 10 feet off the ground . Of course , the harness and my chest was a pretty effective mop to soak up the dew where I landed . The other couple each took a turn and then I was up again . There was an orange cone placed down at the end of the runway . That was our target , our goal to reach . I the next few hours I had several more glides down the runway . One ended up in the wheat field , which held a lot more dew than the grass . My last run I made it . All the way down the runway to the cone . I landed to the left of the runway , but I was at the end . After this experience , I have to say that people that learn to hang glide off cliffs are nuts , or suicidal ! The glider was much more difficult to control than I anticipated , and was glad they didn 't tow me way up into the sky and let me go . If there is a sane way to learn to hang glide , this was it . Was it fun ? You bet it was . Would I do it again ? I 'm not sure . It would take a lot of lessons before I would be comfortable to be towed 500 feet up into the air and then released to search for the thermals that would take me up to thousands of feet . I would have to be pretty committed to the sport and serious about learning it . Was it worth it ? With a Groupon that took the price from $ 99 to $ 49 , ABSOLUTELY ! I figured it was time to start letting the guineas earn their keep . As I had read on Backyard Chickens , I only let 3 - 4 of the six guineas out at once . That was supposed to keep the free - ranging guineas close to the coop . It actually worked really well . A little too well . I don 't think the guineas went more than a foot from the outside of the fence . Over the next few days , I let a few of the guineas out each day . I have a couple guineas that have started to be mean to my chickens , so I tried to get those out of the run each day and have them free - range . The thinking was two fold : 1 ) Having the mean guineas out of the run would protect the chickens and allow them to enjoy their day without being harassed by the bully guineas , and 2 ) If the dog , a hawk , owl , raccoon , skunk or possum decided to go after the free - ranging guineas , at least I would only lose the mean ones . I know , it is kind of rude , but if I was going to lose a guinea in this learning process , at least it should be a mean one . At my last bee club meeting , I mentioned to a couple people about my mean guineas . The solution I received took me by surprise . " You know , guineas are all dark meat ! " I guess that would be one way to address the problem , but it would reduce my tick patrol force , so I was hoping to avoid that solution . They stay pretty close together as a pack , or flock since they are birds , and don 't like to get separated . They have started to move further from the coop and run , but not much more than about 10 - 20 feet . The flock does like to go over to my burn pile which is about 20 feet away from the coop and stare into it . Then they usually start squawking and all at once turn and fly back towards the run , and proceed with their marching around the run , while the two or three left inside the run follow right along . Reading on the internet you tend to find out way more information than you are looking for . As I was reading up on my chickens and guineas and what else I needed to take care of them , I came across some posts in Backyard Chickens that talked about the birds needing a dust bath and that it would help them keep away flies and mites and other little insect parasites . This seemed amusing at first since I got the guineas for the sole purpose of eating the ticks around the yard . They were supposed to be eating the parasites , not carrying them around ! I grabbed a pressure treated 2x4 that I had laying around and cut four pieces each about 16 inches long . I then screwed them together to make a box . After that I pounded a few large staples into one side that I would be able to use to secure the box to the fence , so it didn 't move around . I attached the box to the fence with zip ties through the staples , and then filled up the box over the hole they had started using play sand . At first they were a bit curious . The guineas started squawking , wondering what this new thing was in their run . It took a little while , but one chicken finally ran across the sand . Most of the birds that day just walked up and started eating the sand . I guess that is also good for them , but I would rather them lay down and take a dust bath . Don 't they know I spent time to make a nice sandbox for them to play in ? Over the next few days , they all started climbing in and laying down , fluffing their feathers . They also still ate the sand . I had to add some more sand a few days later since during their scratching and fluffing , quite a bit got thrown about . I don 't mind so much , as long as they are having fun and enjoying their sandbox ! It has been some time since I have given and update on the chickens and guineas . They are doing well and growing fast . They seem to be eating more and more , which seems appropriate for growing animals . We have taken a few of the friendly chickens out in the yard while the dog has either been on the leash or in the house . We would really like to get the guineas " free ranging " so they can eat the ticks , which is the main reason we are raising them . However , we need some more time for the dog to get used to them so he doesn 't run them away from the yard or worse yet , make lunch out of them . One of the guineas is getting aggressive , and starting to go after some of the chickens and peck at them . It only seems to go after the Black Australorps , so I 'm not sure why this is happening . I really don 't want to make a separate run for the guineas . Maybe the guineas are still mad about their ghetto coop while the chickens get the chicken condo . Either way , if it doesn 't stop harassing the chickens , it may get to fend for itself outside of the run permanently ! The bees have turned into a hurry up and wait proposition . I started going to the bee meetings last September , ordered my nucs in November , ordered my hive equipment in December , assembled my hives in January and February … and March … and April , but I still don 't have my bees . As I have been looking on the internet , apparently everyone is delayed in their packages or nucs . I 'm not sure if it was the cold spring we had in this area or what , but I know they want to make sure the bees are strong and in full swing when they send them to us , so I can 't be upset about that . I am hoping to work some bees with a gentleman from my church before I get my bees . I would like at least one hands on experience with bees before being trusted with thousands of bee lives . I have read from cover to cover the " Beekeeping for Dummies " book , so I have all the head knowledge . But everyone tells me that I have to learn to roll with the punches with bees , in that they will do everything and anything that they want , so don 't count on normal . I 'll keep you posted as my bee adventure gets buzzing ! I have three sons , referred to as oldest son , middle son and youngest son . They are 11 , 8 and 6 , although by the end of May they will be 12 , 9 and 6 . Not only that , by the end of the month I 'll be another year into " middle age " . As I write this , I am sitting at a local baseball game watching oldest son and his team play . He is playing 3rd base , which he doesn 't get to do too often . His coach usually puts him into center field since he has a really good arm and accuracy to get the ball back into the infield in one toss . However , as most boys his age , he would rather play in the infield where all the action is . First inning , oldest son is covering 3rd base . No outs and runner on first and second . Fast ground ball to third . He scoops it up , touches 3rd base then throw a line drive to first for a double play . I beam with pride . Next batter hits a pop foul over to the third base side . Oldest son runs over and makes the catch , almost . It went into his mitt but he over ran the ball and he fell down and the ball fell out of his mitt . It didn 't matter . I got on the phone and called the good wife who is working tonight and explain the play . The game is at the bottom of the third inning and tied at 1 - 1 . This moment made me reflect on the pride of a father . There are a lot of things that make a father proud of his sons , from something as simple as showing respect to others to doing their best in whatever endeavor they take on . I 'll admit that I 'm not a " baby " father . I don 't get into babies that lay there and don 't interact with you . I also am not particularly fond of the stink and mess that babies tend to create , most of the time at the most inopportune moment . I am much more enjoying my boys as they are now older and we can do boy activities , from exploring the woods behind our house to swimming down at the river . No matter what , I will always love my boys , like only a father can . Born in Wisconsin , educated in Texas and then moved to Phoenix , AZ . After 19 years in Arizona and three boys later , it was time to move from our tract home and get some more space . We moved to the Richmond , VA area and selected 7 + acres in northern Goochland county . As my wife says , " I am now embracing my country lifestyle ! " |
My breath caught in my throat as I lay wrapped in Adams arms and heard his words . The moon shone brightly over our impromptu bed in the ruins of Aphrodite 's Temple as I rested my head against his chest , listening to his steady heartbeat as is slowed its pace after our lovemaking . The night had a mystical feel to it , almost as if the ancient Gods themselves were blessing our union . Maybe communion was a better word , for the intensity of our passion was truly magical this night . I felt wrapped in some inexplicable warmth , belying the coolness of the starry night . Afterglow you might say , but still it seemed more potent ; intoxicating really . I smiled at him as I traced my finger teasingly over his chest . " Right now ? " I laughed . I placed a quick kiss where my finger had just been , sending an immediate shiver across Adam 's lean frame . " Well , maybe not this exact moment , but here in Greece . It 's beautiful , don 't you think ? " he murmured against my forehead , before placing a gentle kiss on it . I thought about it for a moment and sighed , trying to imagine the logistics of getting everyone here for the day . Even though I had relaxed some as I had spent more time with Adam , I was still the practical Sarah I had always been . Adam rarely thought of those types of details ; when you have money you just decide to do it and it happens . I was wondering how the family would manage to get time away from work and school to get here , where everyone would stay when they did , all the ordinary details of making it happen . Adam , bless him , was thinking of the day itself and sharing our love and commitment ; that was foremost on his mind . To him it was a given that everyone would be there . So , how did I make it happen ? A soft sigh escaped my lips as I leaned up and placed a quick kiss on his lips before sitting up . The night air really was chilly now I thought as a shiver raised goose bumps up and down my arms and legs . I reached for my clothes in a hurry to get them on . Adam sat up too and hoped down off the stone where we had been laying and stretched . His body looked magnificent in the glow of the moon and it was so tempting to drag him back down onto the stone , but by now I was just too cold . " Wha - oh you mean about getting married here ? " I frowned for a moment as I pulled on my sandals . I had temporarily forgotten what he had said earlier . I blamed it on the beauty of the night , not on anything like age I told myself with a laugh . " I would love to get married here . But it might take a little time to get it all arranged you know . I mean , getting everyone here and all , " I added . " Hm , yes I can see that might be difficult to arrange on such short notice . But we 'll manage I 'll bet . " He wrapped his arms around me and noticed that I was shivering even more now . " Cold , bella ? " At my nod he grabbed my hand and we started down the mountain towards the villa . The Aegean lay before us , looking serene and almost glass - like in the night . We could see a few lights in the village below us and hear faint music coming from somewhere below us as well . We quickened our pace and I laughed about how much easier it was to get down the mountain . The closer we got to the village , the livelier the sounds became and now we could smell wonderful things cooking . Adam 's sniffed the air appreciatively and I smiled , realizing that I was hungry too . My appetite had seemed to increase a bit lately , which of course worried me . I didn 't have the Richland metabolism which just seemed to burn everything off and I constantly worried about gaining too much weight . Not that I thought it would matter to Adam at all , I was still smaller now than I was when we met , but we women do worry about this stuff . Maybe too much , I decided . As we got to where the first houses were we turned to the left and followed the lane to the villa . It too was lit up brightly against the night sky , starkly white it almost seemed to glow in the moonlight . The flagged pathway that led to the terrace was edged by some kind of flowering bush that gave off a heavenly smell . The flowers themselves were purple and pink I had noticed earlier as we left for our walk up the mountain . As we came to the terrace Georgio came out to greet us . " Sarah , your son has been trying to reach you this evening . There is a problem with Pam and the baby ; you need to call him immediately . " I settled into the seat of the jet in the airport in Athens and fastened my seat belt . I heard the ' click ' of Adam 's belt snapping into place at the same time and looked at him ; the fear and worry that was written across my face was mirrored on Adam 's . The last 4 hours had been a frightening time for both of us . Despite a distinct feeling of weakness in my knees I managed to make it to my phone in record time when Georgio delivered the message . Cassie followed me and stood by nervously as I made the call . I listened intently to my son and my heart sank . I immediately started crying and Cassie 's face blanched white as she watched . Adam and Georgio came into the room then and Adam came to me and pulled me close . I handed the phone to him because I was crying so hard . Georgio handed me a handful of Kleenex and I hiccupped my thanks to him and wiped my eyes while Adam finished the conversation . There was a couch in the room and I went to sit on it and Cassie came and sat next to me , grabbing my hand and holding it tightly . Adam hung up the phone and handed it to me silently before kneeling down in front of me . " Sarah , it will be okay , you know ? She and the baby will be fine . Now , I 'm going to start making the arrangements to get us home . " I nodded and watched as he started scrolling through his phone address book looking for our travel agents number . His brow furrowed in concentration ; something that was normally endearing to me but I was so upset right now that it only made me worry more . " Adam , " Georgio said , " I think I can help you arrange flights a bit quicker . Let me get my phone and we 'll call my sister Reni to help us . " " Pam has preeclampsia . She has had it for a while now , but it 's been very mild and they have just monitored her . But this morning her blood pressure spiked dangerously high and while they are trying to get it down , they are concerned for the baby . They may have to do an emergency C - section . " I started crying again as I told Cassie what Derek had told me . Cassie immediately burst into tears as well . Derek and Lissa may have been my biological kids , but she loved them as much as I did and I knew she would take this just as hard as I did . " Cass , she 's not far enough along to have the baby ; she 's only 31 weeks ! " " Sarah , lots of women have babies that early . If they can 't get Pam 's blood pressure down I 'm sure the baby will be okay , " Cassie said optimistically . I nodded miserably in agreement and we both sat silently for a few minutes while it all sank in . Finally Cassie got up and held her hand out to me . " C ' mon Sarah , let 's go out on the balcony , " she said softly . I got up and followed her outside into the still and chilly evening air . The sounds from the village were even louder than when Adam and I had walked home ; maybe the ouzo or retsina were flowing a bit more freely , who knew ? It was a cheerful sound , but it only made my heart sadder . We were ready when the helicopter got there , landing by the harbor . We hadn 't been there long enough really to unpack much . The helicopter would take us to Mykonos ; there we would catch a charter flight to Athens . There was no landing strip on Kybylos , so this was the quickest way . Georgio 's sister Reni ( short for Ireni ) had made all the arrangements for us . I don 't know how she did it , but I was certainly grateful . We had one more quick call to Derek before we boarded the jet in Athens ; nothing had changed really . Her blood pressure was still dangerously high , but they were monitoring it all . Sometime tomorrow they would make the decision as to whether to do the c - section . If they couldn 't get it under control by then , they would have to go ahead and do it . It was now midnight in Athens , which made it 3 in the afternoon in El Paso . If they were going to make the decision tomorrow that gave us time and it gave me hope that we could be there in time if they had to do the surgery . I sighed and leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes for a few minutes . The flight would go so much faster if I could only sleep I knew , but my stomach was completely knotted up with anxiety ; sleep didn 't seem a very promising prospect . Adam put his arm around my shoulders and I shifted to rest my head against his shoulder . He leaned his head against mine and for a couple of minutes we were quiet , listening to the sounds of the jet as we prepared for takeoff . We would fly directly to Houston , and then catch our last flight into El Paso , arriving about 2 am local time . Adam had a rental car arranged for us in El Paso as well as a hotel room , but we were going straight to the army post when we got there . We would have to call Derek from the airport and he would meet us at the gate at Fort Bliss to get us onto the post . " Why don 't you to try to sleep a bit , love ? " Adam spoke softly against my ear , just as the roar of the engines started . We were finally moving toward the runway to get in line to take off . " What ? " I asked , not sure if I had heard it all . " I said why don 't you try to sleep a bit ? Make the trip go faster , " he repeated , a bit louder . The engines were roaring wildly now as we started to pick up speed . I guess we had a clear runway because the jet was going faster and faster . Soon , we were lifting off , the nose pointed sharply upward and I watched out the window as the lights of Athens fell away below us . I saw the Parthenon , lit up brightly above the city ; I hadn 't really realized how large it was . It was almost impossible to talk while we were climbing so steeply , so I was quiet a moment until we started to level out a bit . With my head nestled into his shoulder I could hear his heart beating ; the steady thump calming me as it always did . I inhaled deeply and caught his scent and it too was comforting to me ; helping to make me feel safe and loved . My own heart was pounding alarmingly out of kilter ; I was so consumed with worry and while I understood that it didn 't help , I didn 't seem to be able to control it either . " Deep breaths , love . " Adam whispered . The engine noise had cut back considerably as we reached flying altitude and I tried to will myself to relax a bit . The flight attendant started down the aisle with the beverage orders and Adam asked for two glasses of white wine . " Oh Adam , I don 't know - my stomach is doing flip - flops , " I protested . He looked down at me and frowned slightly . " Maybe some ginger ale then ? Something you can sip slowly ? " " Maybe , " I answered . The flight attendant had brought the wine and I took a sip and knew that I couldn 't keep it down . I think I must have turned green and Adam immediately took the glass from me and handed it back to the attendant . " Could we get a glass of some ginger ale perhaps ? " he asked , giving her a quick smile . She nodded her head and pulled a can out of the bottom of the cart and filled a glass with ice before handing it to Adam , who was pulling the tray table down into place . He sat the glass of ice down and then popped the top open on the can and poured it over the ice . I stared at it with trepidation , not sure if I even wanted to try it . He nodded and settled back and took a sip of his wine . I watched him grimace and let out a small laugh . " Not too good ? " I inquired . " And you wanted me to drink it ? " I teased , finally starting to relax a little . " Well , perhaps it 's better if you don 't . I may switch to your ginger ale , " he told me , reaching for my hand . He brought it to his lips and kissed it before looking into my eyes and stating , " God , bella , I love you so much . " I took a few sips of the ginger ale and it did actually seem to help a bit . Adam had gotten some crackers from the flight attendant and I realized in the rush of everything we hadn 't had any dinner . I was sure he must be starving . " Adam , I 'm sure you 're hungry , why don 't you see if she can get you something to eat ? " I told him . I shook my head . " No , go ahead . " I reached over and took one of his crackers . " There , you 'd better get something because you never know ; I may eat all your crackers ! " Adam ordered a sandwich from the attendant and he settled back into his seat . I took another sip from the ginger ale and stretched my legs out . We were in first class of course and there were only 3 other passengers sharing this compartment with us . Both of them looked to be settling down to sleep so we kept our voices to whispers as we chatted while waiting for his sandwich . As Adam was happily munching I reclined my seat and closed my eyes and thought about everything that had happened in the past couple of months with a contented sigh . I was a woman of leisure now , if you consider flying around the world and traveling leisure that is . After Adam 's injury in Italy I had resigned from my job . Funny , it didn 't even bother me . A couple of months before that I had fussed and fretted over giving up that job , even though I loved Adam . I knew that eventually I would have to find something to do ; I wasn 't the type to just sit around all the time , but I had time to figure it all out . No , when we came back to the states I called my boss and told her that I was resigning , and at her protests I followed it up with an e - mail , just to make sure it sunk in . What was important during that time was Adam and getting him back on his feet . So , after a brief stop in Wichita to make arrangements for Bobby to stay in the house indefinitely and clear out my desk at work and take care of financial things we headed off to California for rest and recuperation . During the last two weeks of January something wonderful happened - Tamara and Mark decided to go to Las Vegas and get married ! Adam , me and the boys went with them for a very simple ceremony . I 've only been to Las Vegas once before , with Randy and frankly , it didn 't impress me much . But it took on a whole new life with Adam . We were only there for 3 days and I enjoyed it a great deal . We didn 't really gamble much ; I 'm not a gambler by nature and apparently Adam isn 't either . But we enjoyed the hotel we stayed at and did some sight - seeing with the boys . They reallThe boys came to stay with us for two weeks while Tamara and Mark took a honeymoon . Mark 's latest movie had finally wrapped , now they had all the technical work on it to do , but he turned it over to the editors to start work on so that they could take a little time just for he and Tamara . Life just sort of coalesced into something that seemed normal ; the boys went to school , Adam and I talked about the future and tried to make some plans . He still feels that we need to sell the house and get something bigger ; I am adamantly against it ! How funny ; to me it 's my house now and I just can 't stand the thought of not having it anymore . I sort of ' found ' myself in this house . Even more than the trip to Italy this house played a huge part in my settling down in this relationship with Adam , of feeling at peace with him and the relationship . I can 't imagine not living here any longer . He is much more pragmatic than I am ; to him it 's only a house and houses can be replaced . I don 't feel nearly as sentimental about my place in Wichita , which amazes me . It was my first place , on my own . A refuge sort of I guess . But the kids are gone and now it seems easy to let it go . I think I may end up selling it to Bobby if he wants it , and that would be okay . Krista got back in early February , which provided her and Adam some time together . Ryan came with her for a few weeks so that he could check out the job situation there . They wanted to get married in early summer so they would have a bit of time together before school started again in August . Adam wanted to have a huge wedding for her ; she and Ryan only wanted a small family affair . Krista won that battle , but Adam was determined to help her in any way possible . He took over her college tuition costs and had already paid off her loans so she would come out of college debt - free . This she let him do , albeit reluctantly . He wanted to buy them a house , but both Krista and Ryan were united on this front ; they wanted to do it on their own . It was a battle of wills ; Adam fThat month was a wonderful month , financial tension with Krista aside . Ryan stayed with us at the beach house , while Krista stayed at her apartment . She stood firm in her intention to not sleep with Ryan before they got married . That fascinated me for some reason , not exactly sure why ; maybe because in this day and age chastity wasn 't all that common . Adam of course was still smug about it , a typical man I thought . She and Ryan were happy though , incredibly happy . Little Elk came and spent a few days here with us and gave his stamp of approval . I really like Little Elk and we had several long and interesting conversations while he was here . He is so proud of Ryan , of the man that Ryan has become . I know that he hates the thought of Ryan leaving the Dallas police force , but he is very understanding about it . He taught Ryan to be a man , to walk a man 's path and take care of those you love . That is exactly what Ryan is doing , taking care of Krista . We haven 't met Ryan 's mother yet , hopefully we will get the chance before the wedding . I think Little Elk loves her , but because of the bond he had with Ryan 's father he feels it isn 't right for him to develop a romantic relationship with her . He certainly couldn 't love Ryan any more than he does ; he dotes on him ; when they aren 't on the job that is ! We laughed about poor Ryan facing his wrath over the phone when we chose to stay in California after Rachel 's funeral . It was all black and white to Little Elk - Ryan was just supposed to make us come back to Dallas . When that didn 't happen , Little Elk was pretty frustrated . So was Ryan , but it was better for him here I think . He was able to talk to Adam and understood much better why Adam wanted to stay here . Little Elk , on the other end of the phone in Texas really didn 't have a clue . Little Elk watched Ryan and Krista with keen interest . It was like his eyes missed nothing ; not the solicitous hand that he placed protectively on her back or arm as she walked or the sparkle in his eye when he looked at her . One afternoon after watching them for a few minutes he observed , " Those two are like two peas in a pod ! " I laughed out loud , causing the two in question to look over to the patio table where Little Elk , Adam and I were sitting . Krista , Ryan and the boys were in the pool ; Krista sitting on the steps and the boys tossing a Frisbee to each other . " I haven 't heard that expression in years , " I said , laughing some more . " But , you are right , that describes them perfectly ! " And it was true ; they just ' got ' one another . Tristan and Geoff were thrilled to have Krista and Ryan here ; both of them adored Krista . I don 't know for sure how much they exactly understood about Krista being their sister ; I think it was more like they thought she was like Derek and Lissa . But they accepted her and loved her just the same and they all spent many happy hours together out on the beach . Ryan could run the little guys ragged and often did since Krista was still recuperating and wasn 't really active yet . Both boys were going to play baseball this spring , Tristan would play little league and Geoff would play T ball . Adam and Ryan were both excited about it , having the boys play and attended practices and looked forward to the games , always cheering the boys on . Of course , I attended too ; you couldn 't have kept me away from baseball ! It was so much fun to watch ; I almost hated going to Africa and then on to Greece . Amazingly I had fallen asleep and woke up when we were making our approach to Houston , George Bush Intercontinental Airport that is . Adam was sitting his seat up too and I realized we had both slept through the flight . We both yawned and tried to stretch in the seats , unsuccessful for the most part , but at least we would be landing soon I thought with a grimace as I realized how stiff I felt . We would have a two hour lay - over in Houston , which would give us plenty of time to stretch our legs and get something to eat . I was hungry and felt sure that Adam was too . At some point while I slept the flight attendant had removed my ginger ale from the tray table so I folded it up and flipped the latch to lock it into place . It was almost 11 pm local time so all I could see out the window was darkness and the lights of the city below us . We heard the landing gear come down and lock into place and then we were gliding down the runway in a smooth landing . I looked out at the airport as we taxied to the jet way ; there were many jets lined up to taxi out to runways or waiting to roll into the jet ways . We sat for about 10 minutes as we waited our turn to get to the jet way and I fidgeted the whole time . Now that we were on the ground I was anxious to call Derek to see if there was any news . Adam reached for my hand and squeezed it lightly , his thumb playing softly over my hand . I looked at him and smiled and then was rewarded by a kiss . His lovely chocolate - brown eyes smiled at me , helping to calm my frayed nerves a bit and I let out a huge breath that I didn 't realize I had been holding . Adam came rushing up to me , panting slightly . " I had no idea someone with such short legs could move quite that fast ! " he teased , handing me the carry on with our phones in it . We had to go through customs before we could do anything ; thank heavens it didn 't take too long . I sat down at a table and Adam went to order us a drink while we made the call . The lounge was mostly empty , other than a couple of men sitting at the bar and chatting quietly . Adam came back with a couple of diet Coke 's and I smiled appreciatively and took a sip . Finally , the phone was ringing ! " Hi , Son . No , we 're in Houston . We 'll arrive in El Paso around 2 a . m . , " I told him . I hated it , but we couldn 't get on post unless he met us , so he would have to get up for that . I apologized to him for the inconvenience . " No , not at all and they feel they can 't wait . She has developed something called HELLP syndrome , which means that she is in jeopardy of developing seizures . And it makes it really dangerous for the baby . The blood flow to the placenta is slowing down , so they have to do it . Surgery is at 7 a . m . " he told me and my heart was breaking for both of them . " Are you with Pam now Derek ? " I asked , tears flowing down my face . " I know , " I acknowledged . " But Pam , the baby will be fine , it will . It sounds like they know what has to be done and they will do it . Adam and I will be there in a few hours , sweetheart , and we 'll all get through this together , " I promised . " Okay " she told me , her voice only a whisper . I heard the phone make a rustling sound and then Derek 's voice . " Mom , just call me when you get to the airport in El Paso and I 'll make arrangements to meet you at the gate . I 'm going to go now and try to get Pam to sleep for a bit . I 'll see you both soon . " I looked at Adam , who was waiting expectantly to hear what had been said . I recounted the conversation to him and he asked what HELLP syndrome was and I told him the little that Derek had told me . It wasn 't much , but I knew that the situation was very serious . We sat quietly for a few minutes and finished our sodas and then decided to go and see if we could find something to eat . As soon as the plane landed in El Paso and we were clear of the gangway I called Derek . We made arrangements to meet at the main gate of Fort Bliss and Adam and I headed for the baggage claim area . Our bags came about 10 minutes later and we grabbed them and headed to the rental car agency . Another 15 minutes later and we were finally on our way to the fortbase , following Derek 's directions . Even though El Paso is a fairly large city , you can 't really miss Fort Bliss and so we got there without too much trouble and Derek was waiting for us . " Derek , " I said as I hugged him tight , choking back more tears . I had promised myself I would be strong for Derek and Pam and I would do my best to maintain that outlook . Still , he looked haggard , which was to be expected and my mother 's heart ached even more for him . " Mom , Adam , thank you so much for coming . God , it 's good to see you both ! " Derek said as he reached for Adam and gave him a hug too . I watched that , feeling almost stunned . Derek and Adam were getting along really well by this time , but Derek could still be a bit reserved around him . Not tonight though , and it warmed my heart to see it . Adam hugged him back and I heard him say , " We 'll get through this Derek - all of us together . " We all climbed back into the car and Derek guided us to the hospital , which wasn 't too far away . It was getting close to 3 : 00 am and the post was quiet with little traffic to delay or slow us . At the hospital Adam parked the car and we all walked briskly into the hospital , following Derek 's lead to the elevators . The hall lights were dimmed a bit and it was really quiet . Pam was in the perinatal unit , waiting to be moved to surgical prep at 5 : 00 am . Her eyes were closed when we entered her room and she looked terribly pale , even in the dim light from above her bed . The only other lights in the room were on the various monitors they had hooked up to her ; they showed the baby 's heart beat as well as Pam 's oxygen stats , blood pressure and heart rate . The steady beats were comforting to some degree , even though I knew that they were dangerously high . I walked softly into the room , afraid I would wake her , but her eyes opened slowly as I approached her bed . I leaned down and kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand lightly , appalled at how chilled her hand felt while her face felt so warm . My mothering instinct took total control as I brushed the hair back out of her face and wiped away a tear that slowly trickled down her pallid cheek . " Mom , I 'm so happy you 're here , we 're so scared . They told us that if they don 't do the C - section the baby could die ! But they aren 't sure the baby 's lungs are developed enough to breathe on its own yet . They are giving me steroids to help . " A small whimper escaped her then and she added , " Hopefully it will help . " " So what else have the doctors told you ? " I asked them both . Adam and I both pulled up chairs near the bed while Derek sat on the bed with her . He wrapped his arm around her and as she settled against him and alarm started sounding from one of the machines . Derek shook his head and commented " whenever she shifts positions it goes off . The nurse will be in soon to reset it . " He obviously spoke from experience because less than a minute later a nurse came in and pushed a button on one of the machines and the beeping stopped . She took a moment to check the digital displays and look as the tape the fetal monitor printed out . " How are you feeling Mrs . Marcus ? " she asked Pam . The nurse acknowledged Adam and I with a nod and then did a double - take as she looked at Adam again . To her credit she didn 't say a word , only continued to check out Pam and the machines . She adjusted the fetal heart monitor around Pam 's belly and seemed satisfied that things were as good as could be expected . We all chatted for awhile about what Derek and Pam had done to get ready for the baby , baby and what was still to be done . Since it was so early they really weren 't ready . I could see that Adam and I would have a lot to do to help them get ready and I started to make a mental list of everything that still needed to be bought and accomplished . Derek and Pam had decided not to know the sex of the baby , so what they had bought previously was for either a boy or girl . Since we were going to know in only a few hours that would help the shopping process considerably I decided . The baby kicked Pam then , which brought a slight smile to her worried face . Derek , who was sitting in the bed with Pam placed his hand over her belly and caressed it lightly . Pam looked up at him and he bent to kiss her and brush the hair back out of her face . " I guess the baby has decided that it 's time to get up , " Pam said with another smile . " I only hope that this truly is what is best for the baby . " " Pam - honey , it is what has to happen , " Derek said softly . " I want both of you coming home safely with me . I can 't risk losing you Pam , I just can 't . I have to believe that God will take care of this . " For a moment there was only the two of them in the room , sharing their love and their tears as the gravity of his words sank in to us . I knew that we could lose them , one or both , and yet I refused to believe it would happen . But as I gazed at Pam 's red face and slightly bloated legs and hands I knew how easily it could all go wrong . I felt Adam caressing my hand softly and I looked at him and smiled my gratitude at him for being here with us . We were quiet for a bit and I realized that both Pam and Derek were dozing . I motioned to Adam towards the door and we both got up and headed out the door as quietly as possible . Out in the hall Adam took me in his arms and held me close for a moment and I sank into his warm embrace , breathing him in and feeling his strength . " Sure , " I told him as I headed that way . In truth it felt great to stand and stretch a bit after so many hours on the plane . " I need to call Cassie , " I added as an afterthought . After a cup of coffee and a call to Cassie it was almost 5 am and time for Pam 's surgery . Cassie was of course beside herself with worry and wanted to be here with us , but I finally convinced her to stay there ; hopefully there would be no reason for her to rush back to the states . She and Georgio deserved this time to themselves ; a time to grow their relationship and for Cassie to continue to heal and become stronger . She is just so stubborn , but I promised her that I would call as soon as the surgery was done and let her know how it all went . We headed back down to the room to see Derek getting ready to leave . " What 's up son ? " I asked as he pulled on a jacket . " Grandma and Grandpa are at the gate ; I have to go sign them in , " he told me . He leaned down and kissed Pam and told her he 'd be right back . She nodded and watched him leave the room . She nodded and settled back into the bed . She looked so tired - weary really and I knew what a strain these past few days had been on both she and Derek . The nurse came in again to check her vitals and the monitors . She frowned when she checked Pam 's blood pressure readouts and let out a sigh when she read the fetal heart monitor printout . " Mrs . Marcus , it 's a good thing your surgery is happening soon , much longer and your baby would be in fetal distress . " " As her blood pressure elevates , it causes swelling or edema in the mom 's body . That puts pressure on the womb and the baby . The fetal heartbeat drops and we 're getting to a critical point , where this baby must be born . At different points the baby 's heart beat has dropped to about 70 - 75 beats per minute , but it isn 't sustained . However , it is lasting for longer periods of time now and that means fetal distress . " At my obvious distress she continued , " We 're not quite there yet , where it has to be a ' do it now ' situation , but it is a good thing the surgery is happening soon . We need to deliver that baby to ease the stress on mom and baby both ! " " Until the past few days the baby has been normal and healthy . Even though Pam has had preeclampsia for the past few months she and her doctor have monitored it carefully . But once HELLP syndrome started to develop , we don 't have a choice as to what to do . The baby must be delivered . If we wait any longer , there is much more danger for mom and baby both . I 'm sure no one wants that . Now , as to what happens to the baby after birth , well , it will immediately be evaluated for any unexpected difficulties , have its APGAR test , be weighed and such . Then the baby will go into the neo - natal unit , where it will receive round the clock attention . Remember , it will be very small . " " Our most problematic concern will be the baby 's ability to breathe on its own . It will definitely need oxygen support for awhile . Its lungs are still premature , but they have been giving Pam steroids for the past 24 hours so that should help . " " That doesn 't seem like a very long time . Will it have been long enough ? " Adam asked . He was rubbing the bridge of his nose as he asked the question and listened to her answer . " Surprisingly , probably yes . Think of a womb as an incubator and so things can develop rather quickly . But it won 't alleviate the need for oxygen . It will just be one day at a time , " she told us with a sympathetic smile . The door opened them and Derek walked in with Mom and Dad who both went straight to Pam . " You 're welcome , " she replied , looking at her watch . " She has about 10 minutes before they come to prep her . When she goes to surgery you folks may wait here in her room or in the surgical waiting area . " She smiled again and then rushed off down the hall . Those 10 minutes passed very quickly and before we knew it they were taking her out of the room . Derek went with her and Mom , Dad , Adam and I decided to go to the cafeteria . They wanted some coffee and breakfast and Derek told us he would meet us there when Pam went in to surgery . Adam , Mom , Dad and I sat in the coffee shop and talked a bit as we sipped our coffee and waiting for Derek . I was positive he hadn 't eaten and so I was determined to make sure he got some breakfast . While we waited we filled Mom and Dad in on our trips . We hadn 't seen them since a brief visit in Wichita before we left for Africa in March . My mom had always been pretty content with her own backyard . What can you say ? Some people have wanderlust and some don 't . I was surprised at how much she enjoyed being in California for my birthday to tell you the truth . I don 't think it 's really fear of the unknown , just that she is pretty happy with the life she has and doesn 't yearn for new horizons . At times I have admired that , her ability to accept life the way it is , to make the best of it and even rejoice in it . Other times I 'm convinced that I 'd go crazy with that outlook ! " Yes , it is starkly beautiful in one area and lushly green in others . I very much enjoy visiting there , but I do find the politics too much to handle , Elizabeth . It 's why I went to college in England , to get away from it all ; it really can be heartbreaking when you look at the societal footprint that many of the nations leave . " " Mom , I don 't have time . They are prepping her and then I can go in for the surgery . She will be awake ; they are giving her an epidural right now . I just wanted to tell you guys what is happening . " I started to protest and Adam spoke up then , " Thank you for letting us know Derek . We 'll head up to the surgical waiting room then . Do we know about how long it will take ? " Adam just looked at me and shook his head slightly when I started to speak again . " They said once they get started on the surgery , it won 't be very long . If all goes well , ½ an hour at the very most until they have the baby out . If everything goes well they said . Getting everything back into place and closing her will take a bit longer . But it will all be over soon they tell me , so I gotta go . " He stopped and hugged me for a moment and then moved quickly for the door and was gone before I could say anything else . I opened my mouth and then closed it again just as quickly . I wasn 't sure what to think about this ; Adam had never interfered with something I was trying to say . I mean , he wasn 't harsh or rude , but still it smarted . Derek was my son and I just wanted to take care of him . All these thoughts washed through me as I realized that Adam was right . Mom and Dad watched me closely , knowing that I was thinking the situation through . Finally Dad , got up and said , " Well come on , let 's get up there . Sounds like it will be pretty quick ! " I nodded wordlessly and reached for Adam 's hand . He raised my hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss on it ; maybe it was an acknowledgement of my fear and distress , maybe it was just that he felt bad stepping in like that . He was right , he did the right thing , but as I said , it still smarted . We were a quiet and somber group as we headed to the elevators and made our way to the surgical waiting room . Our concern hung over us like a big black cloud and none of us were inclined to say anything else as the elevator carried us to the 4th floor . We followed the signs and found the waiting room and took our seats . There was no getting comfortable in them at all though . What ? ? ? We don 't know if it 's a boy or girl yet ? Hope , what are you doing to us ! : DI 'm loving it ! Good Morning All , Got you all worried , huh ? Hey , just remember my name ! Hope , we always have it ! After an unexpected and drastically unappreciated snow storm on Friday and Saturday it appears that Wichita may finally be getting some spring ! The tulips are coming up here at the U and they are a wonderful and welcome sight ! C ' mon Spring , I KNOW you can do it ! OMG ! We have to wait to find out what happened ? ? ? What a way to spend my lunch hour . Man , it was long and wonderful though Hope . I love it ! ! ! Ah , Ms . Hope , I just LOVE you ! I 'm all swept up in the lives of Adam and Sarah once again . But you 'd better protect " our " little baby there , Ms . Writer Chickie ! ! Of course , my coworker at the next desk wants to know if I 'm OK . ' Cause I 'm all weepy ! ! ! So when 's part 2 , huh ? When ? When ? When ? When ? Sorry Deena , but they had to do the c - section now otherwise the situation for pam and baby would get worse . I Hope no one dies , but they can 't always live happily ever after . Do some of you still have a possibility for snow ? Ugh . I 'm so glad its 10C ( 50F ) around here , so luckily no more snow for us ( we 've had our fair share anyway ) . kidz _ pets - you are more than welcome ! This is one of the reasons that Hope keeps me around . : - ) Ok , starting tonight - 3 - 6 inches predicted here , Hope . What are they saying for you guys on Wed - Thurs ? Kidz _ Petz , thank you . I love being back . I have missed everyone so much . I was miserable while I wasn 't writing , truthfully it just makes me happy . Work just had me so stressed out for so long that there wasn 't any energy and ambition and I finally had enough of that . I 'm not going anywhere . Oh Wow ! Soooo well worth the wait dear Hope ! ! ! ! Amazing how the time apart has just vanished , and the story had enthralled us just as it always did . I can 't wait until Friday . Good job , my SOS ! WOW ! Great job , my SOS ! ! ! ! It is amazing , how in the space of a few lines , we are all enthralled once again . I can 't wait until Friday . My love to Hope and all of our Hopies , at our reunited family . Thanks so much Kristin , my SOS ! It feels so good to be ' home ' ! I 'm glad you liked the story . Now , we 'll see how you feel about the second half . Your nurses POV may cringe ! ! ! |
It is Sunday morning and Fred is lying semi - comatose in his mother 's arms . For once though it 's self - inflicted . Lisa and I were having coffee at the breakfast table when we heard a crash from the front room . As we 've been trying not to panic at every bang we hear , we didn 't rush in immediately but when we did there he was , pole - axed across the gap between the couch and the doors to the garden . With much moaning and groaning Lisa managed to turn Fred over and there was a trickle of blood flowing from inside his bottom lip . We got him onto the couch proper , lay him in his mother 's arms and patched up the wound . Just now he confessed to trying to walk along the back of the couch when he slipped and fell against the door . Thankfully it was just his lip , the poor man , but if there 's trouble our Fred will find it . As today is day fifteen we 're on the alert but not overtly so , just letting things flow . Last Sunday it looked like things may be changing again . As part of the Rose of Tralee festival there was an air display , which conveniently was happening in the skies over our house . We were all out in the garden waiting for it the happen but the weather changed , the clouds came in and the drizzle followed , delaying the show . As we waited I climbed up on the oil tank and Freddie followed me up . The excitement was high with the crowds around , plus Ali and Ruby joined us . Fred though , suddenly wanted to go inside . Lisa lifted him down and they went in . I followed a few minutes later and they were on the couch . Fred had felt ' the confusion ' come on when up on the tank . Thankfully he had the cop - on to tell Lisa who had so quickly got him away from any danger . He dozed for about twenty minutes . I waited for the horrible noise to start but nothing happened . Then Fred raised his head from the pillow and announced " I think the confusion is gone now . " Just like that . Of course we were relieved but worried that maybe the epilepsy would still strike , that we would be knocked out of our two - week cycle of complacency . But as today is day fifteen seizure free it 's obvious that nothing did and the confusion must just have been a temporary , passing event . In fact , he felt so good that he stayed up to watch the fireworks at 10 . 30pm . He just loves them and the three of us sat up on our bed looking out the window as they exploded over the skies of Tralee . It was nearly eight months to the day since we watched the ones of New Year 's Eve . On Monday morning Freddie , Ruby , Lisa and Ali went shopping . This going shopping lark is becoming popular with the man and it is great that he can go out again , get used to everyday happenings . As Ruby was having friends over for Tuesday night they had to stock up . Apparently Fred stayed close to Ali going around the shops , doing what he was told and helping Mummy fill the basket . When he came back it wasn 't even mentioned by him what he 'd been doing , just a normal day for our man now . Later on the two of us went out again and all went smoothly . We went to the veg shop and I told Fred before we went not to be taking things off the shelves . He 'd done it before , part of the excitement of being back in the shops again and I 'd bought things I hadn 't intended to , as Fred had handled them . All went swimmingly and back in the car Fred asked , When we were finished shopping we went for a drive around town ; looking at the carnival and all the happenings of the festival . At one stage Fred told me to turn around and go back , he 'd seen something and wanted a second look . Back along the road we went , Fred looking carefully out the window . Now I 'd love the idea of a campervan holiday , someday . So I said we would when the time was right . That night at home Ed Galvin skyped from the US . Fred was beside me at the beginning of the conversation and leaned over to tell Ed , Freddie gets things in his head and it takes a few days for him to get them out again . ' Fred 's figaries ' we call them but hopefully someday we 'll get to satisfy most of those figaries . As Fred says : " when I get better , " about the list of things he has in his head . That list is getting longer but already we 've gotten to tick some off but Fred is busy adding more each week . Fred rolled over , cuddled tightly up to me and fell back to sleep . The poor little fellow , that great imagination of his leads to some terrible nightmares at times . The next morning he still remembered the bear and told Mummy all about it over breakfast . When the girls arrived on Tuesday evening , he was delighted to see them but perfectly behaved around them . He still loves having them around but feigning disinterest has become his speciality , thus getting more attention . When the girls went out , dressed to the nines , Fred went to bed , job done . On Thursday , Jayden came over to play . When he arrived , I was up in my office and watched it all from the window . Jayden drove up with his Mum and Fred went out to meet them with Lisa . The two mums were chatting and as Jayden got out of the car , Fred gave him a big hug . Jayden was a bit surprised at the level of the welcome but the sweet boy that he is , took it in his stride , hugging Fred back . The two had a ball for the next three hours ; Jayden is very happy to do what Fred wants so they built a camp outside , had Godzilla battles and when the time came , had a big lunch in front of a movie . The Jayden visits are working out well . Of course , now Fred has another figarie of having Jayden over for a sleepover and then Fred going to Jayden 's for his sleepover . This one may be a bit down the road but we 'll get there . Fred , now fully recovered from this morning 's accident , just asked me for his ' small rectangle book . ' I had to think about that one for a minute , then it came to me . He has a spiral , reporters notepad in which he writes and draws . Sunday afternoon of a busy and eventful week . Every week in Fred 's life is eventful , usually now in a good way . He 's such a funny , inventive , little man that hardly a day passes without something of note happening and this last seven days hasn 't been any different . Even this morning he was getting himself in trouble by insisting on trimming the rug in the front room with my beard trimmer . We were having coffee in the kitchen when I saw him fly past the door , the trimmer badly hidden down by his side . After a couple of minutes I heard a whirring sound coming from inside . In I shot to see Freddie hurriedly slipping the trimmer under a cushion . . . " Ah nothing Dad , " he said . There also was a candle lined up in front of him , what he 'd planned for that I 'll never know . After refusing to hand the trimmer over he was banished to his room ; not for long as he apologised and was allowed back down . He 's some man for getting in trouble over the slightest thing . On Monday Fred was still very dopey after the seizures on Saturday and that seemed to continue up to about Wednesday . Something that occurred to me this week was that maybe this was the drugs taking over again . They do their bit for the fourteen or so days and then something happens for them not to work , giving rise to that one day of seizure activity . It 's as if they lose their powers completely . Maybe if a blood - level test was done over those couple of days I 'm sure it would show his dose to be way below a level of protection . As a result seizures break through and then he 's doped over the next couple of days as the drugs take hold of his brain again . Just my theory but if true and we could find out why every fourteen days his levels drop , then we 'd be on a winner . I 've read and heard of similar cases , maybe it 's how Fred metabolises the meds or maybe they just have a natural fourteen day cycle . On Monday things starting taking an odd turn . Freddie was quite deaf after the weekend , maybe we thought it was a side effect of the day of seizing or was it still the water in his ears from the previous week . That night Ruby and I were downstairs , both of us reading , when I text came from Lisa up with Freddie in bed . . . " please turn down the TV , its bothering Freddie . " The TV wasn 't on , neither was the radio , I checked outside , no noises there either . I went up to report . Fred was awake because of the sounds and to make things even stranger still Fred was not just hearing noises but more specifically they were from ' Ruby 's programs . ' Fred was actually hearing specific sounds not just white noise . Taking his pillow under his arms he went up to Mummy 's room on the next floor . When I went to bed later I went up to say goodnight but now he was hearing Lilo and Stitch , a program he 'd been watching earlier in the day , about twelve hours earlier . During the night he came back down with his pillow under his arm as he couldn 't sleep without me . This continued for the whole of Tuesday , different sounds but still specific ones and now it seemed to be in one ear only . We were worried , trying not to be but worried all the same . Freddie wasn 't getting any rest or peace . On Tuesday night the two of us went to bed about 10 . 30 . He had a worried look on his face as he didn 't want to hear any more noises , they frightened him . We read a bit and he cuddled up to me as he went to sleep . I shut the window , closed all doors , turned off the sound system and my PC upstairs , anything that might give out a noise , no matter how gentle . . . I sent him up to Lisa , a change of room might suit I thought . As he got out of bed he was looking at the wall , worried about what was calling him . Off he went with the pillow under his arm again , up the stairs like a bullet from a gun . Soon he was asleep though . I looked around and couldn 't see anything that would have made the noise . On Wednesday morning he seemed much better . The noises seemed to have gone , or at least subsided and are definitely only in the one ear now . Fred came down to me in the early morning and we have a lie - in . Lisa made an appointment for Thursday evening with an ear specialist who Fred had seen before , it s always something with the little man . As Wednesday and Thursday passed he was in far better form but still getting jip from the left ear . His two nights of wandering around the house with a pillow under his arm has him wrecked , as are his parents from worrying about him . On Wednesday evening the two of us went for a drive around Tralee . We did some grocery shopping and all went fine . Having got the disabled drivers badge we were able to park right outside the supermarket and this gave me great strength . At least now he didn 't have far to walk and if something did happen I wouldn 't have to leave him while I got the car . These small things mean a lot , especially when on your own . The amusements for the Rose festival were setting up in the car parks around town and when Fred saw them he was over the moon , especially when he saw the bumper cars . When we got home he told Lisa all about the ' carnival ' and the rides he was going to go on . Unfortunately it is not possible yet for him to do the rides ; a lot of it is fear on our behalf but also we have to be careful in case something does happen . Some of the rides actually carry a warning for people with epilepsy . At the ear doctor he welcomes Freddie back . Sitting in his chair he has a look into Fred 's ears . They are blocked solid with wax . The poor man , the seizure activity may have pushed it deeper into the ear canal , blocking his hearing . Where the sounds came from we have no explanation , you never know how Fred 's brain works . Maybe he was imagining the stuff he 'd seen during the day and the noises were stuck in his head . . . who knows ? This morning Lisa , Freddie and I went over to the Amusements . The rides weren 't suitable but we had fun walking round doing the target games . Just being out among people again , feeling safe and secure was great for us . Day 18 came and epilepsy eventually caught up with Fred . On Friday night he couldn 't get to sleep . When I went up at about 11pm he was still awake ; his mother fast asleep beside him had long given up the ghost . We had been expecting something to happen since Thursday , day 16 , if not before then but Fred as always confounded us . As the week had gone on he 'd gradually worsen , but then he 'd rally . At times you 'd be led to believe that maybe we 'd cracked it ; whatever combination of what we 'd been doing had worked , we eventually had epilepsy at bay . So when he opened his eyes on Friday evening , a big smile on his face , it wasn 't totally unexpected by me . Sometimes I go up to bed and he 's in a deep sleep , other times he 's pretending to , so as to try fool his mother . I knew as soon as I opened the door he wasn 't asleep . Lisa went off to her room , Fred was up and over to the bookshelf . . . " My eyes aren 't working Dad , " he said over his shoulder , " I close them but they won 't go to sleep . I need you to read me a story . Now what 's your favourite ? " On closing the book I kissed him on the head , took off his glasses and he squished himself even closer to me . As I read he made all sorts of contented noises and began to drift off to sleep . After a while he asked if he could go to his pillow and over he rolled . About half an hour later a tiny frontal lobe hit . No more than about five seconds . I looked at the time , it was ten past midnight . Day eighteen . About twenty minutes later another tiny one happened but that was it . I waited with the light on for a while but he fell into a deep sleep , all seemed ok , so I turned off the light and drifted off myself . As always , Fred manages to find his way over to me in the bed , usually I wake up with him wrapped around me and have to peel him off . On Saturday morning I was woken by the horrible howling in my ear . Fred had indeed rolled over and limpet like attached himself to me so when the seizure struck he was right in my ear . No matter how many times we hear it , we will never get used to it , that horrible howling coming from deep in his belly . I managed to wriggle myself clear and hold him in my arms as he went through it . That first one is always the worst , as if the body is caught totally unawares . A sleepy Lisa was quickly in the door , the howling had woken her on the next floor up . Like clockwork she took over , dispatching me to her room , while making Fred comfortable . We go through this a lot and deal with it well but it never gets any easier . You always fear for Fred , wonder if we 're going to be able to control things , wonder will we need to go to the hospital . Lisa has her routine and all I can do is fit in with that . Upstairs I heard him have another one at about 6 . 30am . It sounded liked it lasted the usual minute or so as well . I lay there listening for a while , by 7 . 30am he hadn 't had another , maybe this was going to be a gentle cluster I thought . About 8 . 30am I went down , I must have dozed a bit . Just as I went into the bedroom he had a seizure . Three in two and a bit hours wasn 't too bad . Lisa was looking after Fred and I went off to make her a cup of tea , as instructed , before making the coffee . So the morning went , we had coffee and breakfast . We chatted and tried to make light of things , read a bit , laughed a bit , worried a lot . Fred had a seizure about 10 . 30am , two hours after the last one but still a ferocious one . When I got back from shopping the two were downstairs , I 'd hoped to come home to them on the couch , Fred had asked for it not long after I left and was under the duvet on the couch . After a while he woke up and said he wanted to go downstairs , I told him we were but he got up to go , the poor man was a wreck . We went upstairs so as to show him we weren 't there and back down again to the couch . Not long afterwards he fell into a deep sleep . Later Lisa went off to do some shopping for herself . This strange sort of normality we 're having , carrying on with our days while Fred does his thing , didn 't go unnoticed . It was good that the epilepsy was spreading itself over the hours , giving Lisa a time away and leaving me take over for a while . Before she went out he had another , number six so we gave him the Stesolid , time to try call a halt . Epilepsy had done its bit , his brain was reset , time to try fight on equal grounds . Fred fell back to sleep , he is in a comatose state really by this stage . Of course another one broke through while Lisa was out ; this was number seven but again over an hour since the last one . When there are so spread out you always think the previous one was the last one . You live on your nerves , expecting one but hoping each time that the cluster is over . I checked the time , it was nearly 4pm , where had the day gone , it didn 't seem that long ago when the whole thing had kicked off . Lisa was soon back and she gave him his medicines , Fred wasn 't awake enough to take them so we had to fight him to get them in but he eventually swallowed them with a glass of water . A couple of hours later the ' goodbye ' seizure struck . We never know it at the time but hope that it was the one . Fred slept for the rest of the evening , every move was monitored , with every sharp intake of breath we too inhaled but he had it on the run . Freddie even sat up for a while , put on his glasses and looked around , a sure sign that he 's winning . The two went off to bed about ten . When I went up about 11pm , he wasn 't asleep but this time he wasn 't looking for a story , he just looked bewildered , the thousand yard stare was back but he 'd had enough sleeping for one day . After a while of trying to get his eyes working he asked for his Mummy . Maybe a different parent would help him find some sleep . The Dad was sent upstairs and the Mum took over . The change worked and he passed a peaceful night . On Monday we went for a drive , just around North Kerry for a change of scenery . Fred sat up in the front beside me but instead of being full of chat he just sat there , looking out . . . he had me worried . I asked him a question , he didn 't answer , and I asked it again only louder . . . Wednesday was day 16 and Lisa took him off to speech therapy and he did excellently , according to Freddie at any rate . That afternoon her royal highness , Ruby , had to be dropped back to Dingle and Fred went along for the ride . At home I waited and when they were gone for longer than expected I feared the worst but they came back in fine form . The delay was due to the summertime traffic in Dingle but I think he wrangled an ice - cream along the way too , judging by the evidence in the car . There were signs that not all was well though . As the week progressed Fred began mixing up his words a lot . Not the usual grasping for the right word or words in the correct order but the wrong words completely . The fact he didn 't correct himself was sign that he was slipping . One evening he was cuddled up to me and raised his head to say something . . . Wednesday evening was spent making the card for Aunty Claire . Under Ruby 's instruction Fred made a lovely card with lots of glitter . Lots and lots of glitter . So much glitter all over the kitchen table that it took all his mother had not to lose her rag . There was glitter all over Fred , all over the floor , all over the mother , all over Ruby . Every time one of us turned into the light that evening the glitter would sparkle . Eventually I heard an " I fucking hate glitter , that 's the last time it 's coming into this house . " Fred looked at me with a surprised look on his face , as if he hadn 't been expecting it . . . Fred woke up on Thursday morning and declared " Today we 're going to Waterford . " There was no disappointment , no disagreeing , no getting it wrong . Thursday was the day he 'd been counting down to and the only problem was at what time we were going . All morning he was asking if we 're going now or is it time to go now ? But soon enough the car was packed with every toy imaginable and plenty of changes of clothes . By noon we were out the door and our holiday had begun . Earlier Rudi had called and asked us to collect Paul in Dungarven on our way down . Lisa made the mistake of telling this to Fred . We weren 't a mile out of Tralee when Fred was making room for Paul in the back , asking where was Dungarven , is this a shortcut and the classic " are we there yet ? " Back to the drawing board with explaining time and distance to the little man and by Killarney he 'd figured we wouldn 't be collecting his beloved Paulie for a while yet . We stopped off in Cork for a few things , Ruby was getting some make - up for her birthday and I took the chance to do a browse of the Old English Market . I picked up lunch and coffees and despite a few missed texts we managed to all meet up again . Fred demolished his chicken sandwich while we drove and more importantly he knew that Dungarven was the next stop . Through the real Taoiseach Tunnel we drove , Fred loves the sensation of going under the river , and on we went towards Dungarven . Every town we went through on the way from then on was hit by a " is this Dungarven ? Is this Dungarven ? " At Dungarven we were early for the bus . Fred 's excitement was reaching fever pitch and he was looking out the window everywhere for Paul . Eventually the bus drove up and a very bewildered looking , hungover cousin Paulie got out . Those couple of days at the Galway Races had taken their toll . In true Paul style though he rose to the occasion and gave Fred the best of attention including praising the new hairstyle . . . Within in a few minutes we were at Aunty Claire 's with hugs and kisses all round . Aunty Claire hadn 't yet come home from work but Fred was delighted with the company of the twins . They sat inside while we got ready for dinner and caught up with Rudi . Aunty Claire arrived and she was soon followed by Granddad Jimmy . The adults sat down for dinner . Fred was in and out with his cousins but I think he was just happy to be there , getting time off from his parents fussing and knowing he was surrounded by family . Paul had gone to play a football match so Fred didn 't have him to follow around which allowed time to get to know Tess and Louis . Around nine o ' clock Lisa took Fred off to bed . For the first night in ages Fred didn 't sleep with me , by the time I 'd gone to check on him the two were in a deep sleep . I was relegated to sleeping on my own and I had a terrible night 's sleep . Something to do no doubt with missing my man . On Friday morning Lisa , Freddie and I had to go to Dublin . An appointment for an EEG had come through and so we were back up to Temple Street . The EEG is the one whereby they stick 20 or so electrodes to Fred 's head , do a lot of things like flash strobe lights in his face and read the outcome . Presumably this was a final test to go with all the other work done lately . We headed off about nine in the morning and were in Temple Street bang on 11am , just in time . I went off to park the car and get the coffees . By the time I arrived at the Neurology Dept the two had gone in . So as to not disturb the process I stayed outside and read my magazine . By noon Fred was finished , all had gone smoothly and we were free to go . Fred 's hair was full of gel from the tests and was sticking up at all angles . Lisa fixed it for him before we set off for Conor and Cathy 's . Another treat in this week of treats . As usual we were welcomed with open arms and sat down to a lovely lunch . Fred being the centre of attention was allowed eat what he wanted and had the extra treat of Conor sitting with him while they watched some Scooby Doo . As we hadn 't been expecting to be back up in Dublin for a while this was a lovely timefor us all ; it gave us a chance of yet more chat and laughter . We set off back to Waterford about 3pm . This really was a big week for our Fred . Not only did he spend time with his cousins but he had a trip to Dublin followed by another trip back to the cousins . In the car down he had a big sleep but not before asking : That night I was exhausted , the driving eventually caught up with me . Fred said he 'd sleep with me so after dinner and a glass of wine I was well ready to hit the hay . Just as we were drifting off to sleep Fred asked . . . Saturday was spent doing the same . Playing with cousins in the morning but at lunchtime Paul came home . All afternoon Fred spent outside with Paulie , doing jobs and following him around . Fred was in heaven and Paul was so very patient with him . After another dinner with Granddad Jimmy , Fred and I retired to the bed . We were both tired , in fact the whole house was tired and the two men were asleep by ten pm . Sunday was a day of goodbyes but it was also Ruby 's birthday . When I got up Fred , Tess and Louis were busy making birthday cards . More glitter but all was forgotten when our girl rose and wished the warmest of happy birthdays . Fifteen years of Ruby , fifteen wonderful years of the most wonderful girl and all her cousins marked the day with style . Ruby was staying on for few days so it was a tearful threesome who said their goodbyes around lunchtime . Those goodbyes are very hard to do and Fred looked very sad in the back of the car as we drove off . Driving was difficult for me through the teary eyes . Fred and Paulie had special big hug , if allowed he would have stayed , no doubting that . The week just gone was Fred 's first full week of holidays since school finished . His first week without Elaine . Last Friday week we said goodbye to Elaine for the last time . She had her final session with Fred , even though he claims he doesn 't like them , the laughter coming from the front room has indicated otherwise . Elaine has been one of the finds of the year and she will be sorely missed . She came into our lives and took over the home tutoring of our Fred in a way that we could never have imagined . Now she has a full time job in Dublin and we 'll have to find a replacement . We fear we 'll never replace her fully . The tears that flowed when she left could have hydrated the Sinai . Fred though is unaware of her significance , as any kid would , and just gave a cursory goodbye after a tearful Elaine gave him a big hug . In the back of his mind he was seeing education free days and no more interruptions to his daily schedule of messing around . This week wasn 't one of lazing around though . No more of that , now that we have got a semblance of normality back in Ballyard . On Monday the little man went off with Mummy in the car and came back with a cool haircut . Even this was something new . Lisa parked a bit up the street and the two walked down to the busy barber 's shop . Not long ago the idea of parking and walking somewhere with Fred was out of the question . The fear of something happening had us in a vice . Such a simple everyday thing for a family to do and now that we 've done it once we 'll do it again , if something happens we 'll have to just deal with it . The two came back after a while and Fred had the coolest haircut , the best in a long while . The barber had even used the blade on the back of Fred 's hair to give it a lovely layered , spiky look . That and a gelled swish to the front of his crop of hair made him look just gorgeous . That wasn 't the end of his adventures for the day though . For a while now we 've needed to get some passport size photos taken of Fred . We are entitled to a Disabled Drivers permit for Fred but it needs to have his photo on it . This will allow us , when Fred is in the car , to park closer to shop entrances which will give us more freedom in the places we go to when out . The freedom of knowing he won 't have to walk too far or if something does happen we 're not too far from the car will be great . On Monday afternoon we set off to the opticians to get the shots taken . I dropped them off at the door and went to park across the road . While waiting for them I didn 't worry much , Lisa was with him so all was ok . They came back out , Fred proud as punch that the photos had come out well and he looked handsome in them . Nest we had to go to the bank . Now this was a big one for us . Anyone who has been in an Irish bank lately will tell of the length of the ques . Staff cutbacks , combined with not giving a toss about the ordinary customer means that there is only one teller on duty in most branches . Fred and I had to go in as Freddie had to sign the slips . The Dept of Education pays Elaine for the hours she does each week with the little man . To keep things above board they only pay at the end of term and the money is paid into Fred 's account setup for such things . That money needed to be transferred to Elaine on Monday and so the two of us went into our local branch in Tralee . Lisa dropped us at the door and in we went . Fred 's first time in a bank or any major place of business in a long while . We queued up . Thankfully it wasn 't too busy and Fred played with the pens and slips while we waited . I 'd brought every form of ID for the two of us if needed and the teller was very understanding . Then Fred had to sign the Withdrawal slip . I told him to be careful and to do a neat job of it . In typical Fred style he wrote carefully and spelt out each letter as he wrote so as to not make a mistake . Thank you , Elaine . The queue was getting longer behind us but I didn 't care , I was so proud of Fred getting to sign his name in the bank and doing it so well . All new in our world . In no time at all the work was done and we walked back out to a worried looking Mummy in the car park . She too was delighted that all went so smoothly . Fred knew we were proud of him but didn 't let on ; he was too busy playing with his new hair cut . Last week I told Fred that we would be going to Aunty Claire 's both to give him something to look forward to and to give him a concept of time . All this week he 's been asking when are we going and then saying the days left , as I 'd been telling him over and over . On Monday it was ' three more sleeps and then we 're going ' . . . every now and again you 'd hear : But it worked . I think he now has a better concept of time and days , counting down to when something is going to happen . His mother may have worn ragged by the constant questions and the different ways of asking the same thing but we go there in the end . On Tuesday I had a few jobs to do around Tralee . Lisa asked if I was bringing Fred and out of habit , because I was going to a few places , I said no . Then I thought about it , why not ? So I asked him if wanted to come and do a few jobs with me . . . he was in the car before I knew it . The two of us were gone about an hour or more . We went to the Garda station to get his photos stamped ; to the Credit Union ; to the bank again ; to the Off - Licence ; to the butchers ; to the barbers for Daddy to get his beard trimmed and finally to the small shop to get a treat for Ruby and Mummy , some liquorice sticks . It was so great for me to be out and about with my son , doing ordinary things but each one an achievement . Lisa has taken the lead in being brave about this , so it was time that I was as well . I loved it , the two of us driving around doing things . When we got home , Mummy asked where we 'd been but Fred couldn 't remember . A frustrating reminder of what epilepsy has done to our boy . Much as he tried he couldn 't get the memory to work . Very upsetting for us . He just looked blankly at us , just not able to remember , no amount of hinting made a tack of difference . However that night the two of us were in bed . I said what a great day we 'd had and thanked him for keeping me company . Then without prompting he listed off where we 'd been and what we 'd done . Amazing how that boy 's brain works . When Fred woke Wednesday the first thing he said was " tomorrow we go to Aunty Claire 's . " Time is beginning to mean something too . It has been a tough one , with just a few expletives from his mother , but the effort to get him to think about days has been a success . It is probably all connected , getting out and about , just living a normal life . Lisa made out a list of things we needed as she had a lot of baking to do for the trip east . Continuing on from Tuesday 's success Fred came shopping with me . This time Ruby came as well . Fred brought the list , a pen to tick things off with and a coaster off the table to lean on when writing . As we drove over he added glitter and glue to the list , things he wanted for a card he was planning to make for Aunty Claire . We parked up in the car - park at the back of the big Super - Valu and in we went . Fred 's first time in a big supermarket in at least five years . It didn 't seem to bother him much . Around we went , filling the basket and ticking things off as we went ; the coaster came in handy . Ruby even picked out some hair gel so he could keep his hair like Paulie 's . We queued up like a normal family and Fred packed the bag , while I paid . Off we set again . This shop was in the centre of town and though there was a Disabled Parking spot outside , I couldn 't take it , not having the permit yet . So I parked across the road in a loading bay , while Ruby and Freddie got out and crossed the busy street . Our Fred crossing the street to go shopping , holding his sister 's hand , how wonderful to see . I stayed in the loading bay , waiting . They seemed to take forever and the longer they took the more worried I got . It was busy and I was expecting a Garda to move me on . But it all went well . After about ten minutes , maybe longer , the two appeared , Freddie with a bag in his hand . They crossed the road and jumped in , Fred beside himself with excitement . Ruby said he 'd been excellent in the shop . |
Marshall had been a daydreamer all his life . For as long as he could remember , he would fantasize just about anything . Certainly for personal pleasures , yet also for why not ? Why can 't I live this dream ? He had an extremely vivid imagination ; so much so that if he read a good book , or had a strong fantasy going , he would be totally engrossed , and would forget about his immediate surroundings . Marshall always had a thing for the ladies . Even in K , he had a couple of favorite girls . He didn 't know what to do except to maybe hold their hand at recess , or put his arm around her during lecture ( lecture ? you did say Kindergarten ? ) . First grade was an eye - opening experience . He liked a girl , and even invited her over to swing one afternoon . You know … the kind on a swing set . In first grade , a guest music teacher was coming for a lesson . It was just before Christmas . The gentleman walked in , and Marshall figured the teacher was blind so as not to see the man walk into the classroom , and he kept speaking to her loudly " here he is ! Here he is ! " Yep , got in trouble for that . He does remember at a neighbor 's pool , when he was five , that he shoved a younger child into the pool . It was a wading pool , but Marshall pushed him in just the same . It made no difference to him that the child was also wearing a sling . During the same period , the next door neighbors ' dog had some pups . When the puppies got a little older , Marshall squished one between the doghouse and the house . He ran away , but was accosted by the owner later , and he denied it . When he and his brother were tots , somehow , and the stories vary slightly from brother to brother , younger brother ended up getting a huge cut on his forehead , causing a life - long scar . Marshall was responsible , but doesn 't remember exactly what happened . It had to do with a little bottle he found ; like a vanilla extract bottle . He had been making noise with it by tapping it on the side of a ceramic coated steel wash basin , and ( this is where the story changes ) he then faked throwing the bottle at the side of the house ; only , part of the bottle came off and hit little brother . Little brother claims that Marshall threw the bottle at him . Marshall remembers during that time that he and his brother were playing with the mixer . The cord ended up getting pulled out . Mom sent he and his brother to bed for their nap . The next thing he remembered was getting knocked up side of the head , only to look into his marine dad 's steel - blue eyes . He dared not cry , even though the thumpin ' really hurt . 20 minutes later , marine dad fixed the mixer . Marshall 's head was still numb . He had two younger brothers ; one 13 months younger , the second was nine years younger . Marshall had no idea what a big brother was . He only knew that he had two little brothers , and sometimes , they were a pain in the ass . Sometimes he was asked to do something like wear the same shirt as his brother , so they would look alike . His response was something to the effect of WTF ? Yep , he got into his share of trouble and spankings in the sixties were plentiful ; especially since Dad was an ex - marine . Marshall didn 't know any different . You got what you got and ya gotta run with it . Ya deal the hand you 're dealt . He had no idea what that meant , but that was pretty much what he did . Marshall 's idea of liking girls was chasing them at recess . Unfortunately , Marshall was not very athletically inclined . Still , the fun was in the hunt and chase . If he really liked a girl , he would pull out his Big Chief tablet , and draw and huge heart with and arrow through it from top right to bottom left and write " I love you ( girl 's name ) . " Sometimes he would sign it , sometimes not . When the neighbor kids parents would arrive home in the evenings , Marshall would drop what he was doing , and run over to play with the little one . Usually , Marshall would end up abusing the boy to the point of crying . Slapping pushing him down were common practices . The more he got away with it , the more severe the abuse became . At times , when Marshall returned the youngster , he would be bleeding from his mouth . Marshall was quick with excuses and lies to cover his bizarre behavior . Marshall and his brother used to bathe together when they were young . During one session , his brother was washing his hair . Marshall took the shampoo bottle , shook it , and watched carefully while his brother rinsed his hair . When his brother took a breath , Marshall squirted the soapy suds from the bottle into his brother 's nose and mouth . His brother immediately began coughing and choking and crying . He got out of the tub and vomited on the floor . He began pounding on the bathroom door for help . Marshall did nothing . Mom came in and took care of younger brother . Marshall and his next younger brother fought with regularity . No particular reason , just seemed that they were very frequently at odds . Marshall was a poor excuse for a big brother . He never , ever even considered how his actions affected his younger brothers until many , many years later . The mean fourth grade teacher , had a wealth of book collections . Biographies of colonial heroes ; Bedford Forest , Ulysses Grant , Washington , Lewis and Clark and many others . He loved to read , and would get totally wrapped up in fantasy , leaving his present location . At times , he would have to be spoken sharply to , as to get back to reality . He read most of those books twice , and got in trouble for reading in class on numerous occasions . Fourth grade was also the year he found out there was no Santa Claus . This new knowledge tore a huge hole in his fantasy world . In fifth grade , or the summer between fifth and sixth , Marshall got a paper route . A chance to earn real money . Too bad the leader of the paper boys in that part of town cheated them out of their money . Marshall loved it . While delivering papers on his route , he would fantasize . He told his stories out loud . He made up whatever he wanted . The only story he recalls is about these rocket tubes he had that he could fly with … and rescue pretty girls and they would all love him . ( Fifth grade in the sixties meant naivety in a major way ) Marshall 's idea of a big romance was holding a girl 's hand . He had a few in fifth grade , and he got the shit kicked out of him by one who he chased and caught . That scar is still on his shin . He pissed away all his money on candy and toys . He got so used to having money , that when Marine dad got transferred , Marshall no longer had a job , and had to steal money from his parents . They were far too trusting , leaving their wallets about . He even resorted to shoplifting . He never got caught . He came close , but never had problems with the police . The move took place while Marshall was in eighth grade , where he met a girl that he really liked . The move shut something off inside him and he no longer chased girls . He could hardly talk to them without freezing up . The girl he liked , had the cutest dimples he had ever seen , and she giggled a lot . He fell for a girl at church … badly . When she dumped him for his younger brother , he had a little knife that he stabbed through her name on his bulletin board above his bed . He felt humiliated . When the motorcycle arrived , he was able to go visit dimples whenever he wanted . She seems to like him ok . When his parents dragged him off to North Dakota every summer , he would write her , and she would write back . He really liked her , and found out that she was transferring to a different school . He would still go see her from time to time , as she still lived in the same place , for whatever reason , she wanted to go to school where her father was teaching . So he pretty much did without her for his sophmore and junior years . His younger brother and he fought tooth and nail frequently . Someone would always get a whippin ' when they fought . When his brother would get spanked , Marshall would laugh to himself . Marshall got a job , and he was home free . He had money , a motorcycle which he had to share until his brother got a reckless driving ticket and was no longer allowed to drive the bike until he had his license . A year later , Marshall turned sixteen , and Marine dad let him drive the old Studebaker . So what ? Now he could cruise around in the rain . That 's when he started smoking pot . Marshall loved it . He was able to maybe work after school for an hour a day , and Saturday he worked all day . His part - time checks were about twelve or thirteen dollars . In those days , with that he could put gas in his car , buy some dope , smokes and munchies . Life was really good . Saturday night was his night . He cashed his check at the convenience store , put gas in , and got smokes . He went home and showered , and ate . Then he left for the evening . Usually he was gone until after midnight . Sometimes Marine dad was up ; sometimes not . They always left the outside light on , and a lamp on inside the house . As long as he wasn 't too wasted , things were cool . He still had the same job , and in the summer , he was allowed to work full time . His paychecks were $ 48 . 59 for a 40 - hour week . That was big money in those days . A couple of his pals were old enough to buy beer , so he never went thirsty for lack of opportunity . Dope was plentiful at ten dollars an ounce , and sometimes he would get some really good stuff . He always shared . One of the places he always hung out was a good friend named Jacob . They had met in school , and became friends easily . Jacob was a doper too , as were several of their mutual friends ; some of which were in the band like Marshall . On Saturday nights , Marshall would head over to Jacob 's to set the evening . Next door to Jacob on one side was Dimples , as her family had moved there a year or so earlier . On the other side of Jacob were the Martin brothers . A typical Saturday night usually consisted of hanging out in front of Jacob 's house . Then the Martin brothers would join them and they would all take off in someone 's car and get high . The Martin brothers rarely furnished pot , but were always willing to smoke someone else 's . Frequently , they would go to the snow cone shop and satisfy their munchies . One of the Martin brothers had a girlfriend named Tessa . She was cute enough ; a sophomore the upcoming September . She too , would go with them and get high . She was actually quite fun . She broke up with Martin , and became a free spirit . Marshall chased her , but could not get her to commit to any long term relationship . they went out a few times , nothing special . Terri was actually ' promised ' to another guy , Robert , who had gotten busted a year or two earlier for pot , and was on probation . He was a year younger than Terri . Terri was ' helping him stay straight ' . He had a cool portable building for a bedroom behind his folks house , which wasn 't really conducive for him " getting straight " . Tessa decided she didn 't want to get tied down , so Marshall and she parted peacefully . That was a first for him , as ( remember the girl from church ? ) He had not had good luck with peaceful break - ups . One night , Jacob and Marshall returned back to Jacob 's house . They had been in Jacob 's car , and Marshall had left his parked in front of his house . His dad 's huge LTD was in the driveway . When they arrived , his dad 's car had been turned ; meaning the front wheels were still facing forward , but the rear end of the car had been pushed half off the driveway . In addition , Marshall 's Camaro had a bashed in passenger - side front fender . There was a police officer there as well getting info . As it turned out , a fellow classmate of theirs , a well - known druggie , had veered off the street , crashed into Jacob 's dad 's car , then crashed into Marshall 's in her deVille . The cop took some info , and up pulled Terri . She hung out for the duration ; even after the cop left she was still there . Marshall hesitated to drive his car because of the dent , not knowing if it would drag the fender over the tire or not . Jacob went in , and Terri offered Marshall a ride home . Terri was cute , for sure . Petite , but a little stocky . Beautiful hair and smile , and she had a shake that would leave the bear cubs homeless … and she was throwing herself at him . Marshall was a senior then and in his last class of the day , who sat in front of him but his long lost love Dimples . They hashed over old times , and enjoyed each others company . The second semester in 1974 , she disappeared … again . Terri was trying to break up with Robert , but he decided to be a baby about it . She had promised him that she would go to the prom , and so she did . She dropped out of high school after that . Technically , she was a junior . After the prom and Marshall 's graduation , he turned eighteen and off to the liquor store he went . He also started going to Mexico that summer every Saturday night with Terri . He decided not to go to college . He had enough school and being told what to do , so he stayed at the grease monkey job . It would go nowhere , but he liked the steady pay , and had gotten used to having money . Marshall pretty much abandoned his old pals in favor of her . His folks didn 't like her much , and he was staying out until three in the morning with her making out , smoking dope and drinking . Jacob and his band friends had gone to college by the end of the summer . One night , they had ended up parking on a remote dirt road , and he went after the pussy . Much to his surprise and embarrassment , he was unable to get it up . " This never happened before " he said to her . Yeah right , it was his first time . It took several attempts over the course of perhaps a couple of months before he could actually get hard enough to get inside her . Man , it was indescribable . He banged on her every night after that . She wanted to get married really bad . She even told Marshall that her dad was beating her when she got home . Marshall told her that if they could save up a thousand dollars , he would then marry her . That would be difficult , given that A . she didn 't work , and B . Marshall spent all his money entertaining her . Marshall had never felt so trapped in his life . A friend of his had offered to get him a job on an oil rig , but he had to quit the grease monkey job first . So he turned in his notice , much to the boss 's surprise … after all , he was their star employee . Marshall felt the only thing he could do was to marry her . He had not thought past that . He figured that if something happened to him , at least the baby would have a name … old school for sure . So that 's what they did … they eloped . He closed out his bank account , all of like maybe $ 300 , they got blood tests , and went to the courthouse and a judge married them . Then he went to his house , and she went to hers . A couple of days later , Marshall was at her parent 's house . Terri came out of the bathroom , and claimed she had had a miscarriage . " I don 't know " she said " something came out and went kerplunk . " She wouldn 't have lied to him to get him to marry her , would she ? She loved him , didn 't she ? Marshall went with the latter . The paper published the marriage licenses , and Marshall 's mom found out . It did take a month , but he moved out with Terri to an efficiency apartment . Used to making love in the car , the bed was next to heaven . Dad gave him a rent check for the second month . Marshall soon realized that moving out was a huge undertaking ; especially since Terri didn 't work … didn 't want to work . Once in a while , she would go down to her parent 's office and clean it ; usually to make up for money they had already given her . She dragged Marshall along too . Such fun on a Sunday afternoon . She drove around during the day wasting gas in his Camaro . The V - 8 was not exactly economical . She even would hang out with her old boyfriend from time to time . He kept his job , and liked it . It turned out he had a knack for it , and the company started giving him quarterly bonuses . He had actually considered opening up an account in the town he worked , just to keep the money from her . He looked forward to going work … to get away from her . They found yet another place , with the same landlord that owned the efficiency apartment . The rent was over two paychecks now . The landlord gave them a few bucks off rent to collect rent checks for him . That gave Terri something to do , as she still didn 't work . Marshall didn 't remember when or why , but there was a period when Terri jumped his bones every night and screwed his brains out . He didn 't complain . There was a price to pay . This time , she really got pregnant . Marshall 's job kept him away from home for over ten hours a day . When he returned home , Terri would thrust the baby in his face . " Your turn to take care of him " she would say , then take off to visit her sister or shop . That stopped when Marshall pulled the main distributor wire off his car one evening on his way in . He actually delighted in seeing her get so angry . Marshall wasn 't sure when the beatings started . As in the past , just a little pinch here , a flick on the cheek there . Then he got bolder . He actually would hold the baby in his left hand , and punch him with his right . He would toss the baby onto the bed from across the room . He had put his finger down his throat so long that once he had to resuscitate him . That made the baby very sleepy . He got so bold that he would abuse him with friends in the next room . One day he grabbed the baby 's right upper leg , and squeezed it so hard that he heard it snap . Whenever Marshall finished an abusing session , he was physically drained . His hands shook . He felt remorse and regret for what he had done ; yet he would do it again and again . He had thought about calling a local free counseling service , but didn 't want to risk being discovered , nor admitting he really had a problem . One Saturday morning , Terri got up and announced that she was going shopping with her sister . The baby was asleep in the playpen . He was right at three months old then . Marshall cooked some breakfast , smoked a joint , watched Scooby - Doo and Valley of the Dinosaurs . He decided to lay down and take a nap . That 's what happened to him when he smoked pot first thing in the morning … it made him sleepy . Just as he was lying down , the baby awoke . Marshall saw him literally push himself up off his tummy . It didn 't matter . Marshall was angry that now he could not take a nap . Marshall then gave the baby the last beating he would ever receive . They rushed to the hospital with a neighbor that happened to be outside . The emergency room doctor took the baby into an exam room , and came out in less than a minute . The next thing Marshall knew , the police were there . They wanted to go back to the apartment and look around . The police interrogated Marshall for a long time , but he admitted to nothing … nothing . He explained that the mobile had fallen on the baby and had wrapped around his neck , suffocating him . Marshall attempted resuscitation to revive him , as per the bruises on the baby 's body . After the funeral , at Marine dad 's house , Marine dad asked Marshall to take a ride with him . Marshall and he went driving around the block , and Marine dad quizzed him " what really happened ? I can 't help you if you aren 't honest with me . " The attorney had Marshall tell him exactly what he did . Marshall told the story so many times that he grew emotionless about it . It didn 't seem real any more . The attorney suggested some psychotherapy to talk about it … for Terri too . The trial lasted a week , and Marshall testified as well . The issue was why send him to prison for 20 years , when his mental condition would certainly worsen . The shrinks labeled his problem as a passive - aggressive personality disorder . The shrinks and mental health professionals all agreed and blamed at least part of Marshall 's anger on the fact that he had been ' duped ' into the marriage by Terri lying about being pregnant to get him to marry her ; a statement which she blurted out from the audience " bullshit ! " After wrapping up the trial , Marshall reported to the probation office , and returned to work at which time , he was fired . The boss offered no explanation , but gave Marshall two weeks severance pay . Marshall remembered thinking … so this is what happens when the wife runs the business … So he did . He started summer school right away , and took 6 hours , which was considered full time . He also found a job at a lawn mower shop . He filled out the app , and a question was asked why he left former job he put ' laid off ' . The new boss asked him why , and Marshall asked to speak to him privately , and told him the story of what had happened . The new boss looked at Marshall right in the eye , and said " I 'll bet that was a hard thing to say to a perfect stranger . It took a lot of guts for you to come in here and admit that . You 're hired . " His mom too had gotten an second job to help make ends meet . The trial had caused his parents to mortgage mom 's farm , and one of the cars . She liked her catalog job . Marine dad didn 't . He ran into Dimples at the mall one evening over Thanksgiving weekend . She looked great . He seriously considered asking her out , but didn 't . That was the last time he saw her for 27 years . He never forgot her , and frequently dreamed about her . He got his younger brother to come in and talk to the new boss for an accounting position . He got the job as well . His brother got married during Marshall 's employment there . Marshall was best man , and when him mom told him that the best man had to do a toast , Marshall shut down . No freaking way was he going to stand up in front of a whole giant crowd , and say something . He felt like he would be judged all over again . He couldn 't , wouldn 't , and didn 't do it . He began chasing one of the tenants in the apartment complex named fat Cindy . Yep , she was portly , but cute . He went after her , and screwed her for a couple of months . She knew his folks too . Mom had called him one Friday evening , soon after he got home from work . It was customary to smoke a J when he got home . His mom called for him to come over , and he was so stoned that he blew her off . She mentioned it to him several days later , at which time he offered to listen . Mom , being a mom , kept after him to go back to school . She offered to pay his tuition if he would move back home , and return to school . So he did . Marshall had bought a new car , with his mom co - signing the loan at the credit union . He discussed with her a later about getting a loan to add a / c to the car . She just said that all he had to do was add it on to his current loan , and the credit union would be very agreeable to a change . It rang , and it was youngest brother calling for Marshall . " Mom 's been a car accident . It looks pretty bad . We 're down at the emergency room . " Marshall decided to go home and change out of his wet cutoffs . His mom 's car was blocking the intersection to get home . They could not tow it because it had been T - boned badly . There were several police cars still there and a crowd . He turned and went to the hospital in his wet cutoffs . The days and weeks that followed , were sometimes blurry . Marshall would find himself looking for mom when we arrived at home . She used to have his lunch fixed with a tv tray while she watched her soap . He moved to Laredo in January , and regretted it almost immediately . He kept in touch with the office machine company in hopes he could return . He did , a year later , and left fixing bikes behind forever . Marine dad married what Marshall and his brothers referred to as the ' wicked witch of the west ' . The boys guessed that he must have liked to be told what to do , because he jumped whenever she called . The boys were never as close to Marine dad after he remarried . One of the biggest issues was that they were married on mom 's birthday . No explanations or apologies were given . They pissed away their money on some property in the Texas hill country , where they built their legacy . He stayed at the office machine company until January 1994 . During the time before he left , he gained a lot of respect from the people that ran the business , as well as his fellow technicians . He was schooled on copiers during this time , and discovered he had a knack for it . He got infatuated with one of his customers , a Hispanic woman . She was unable to date , as her daddy kept her close . She and her two older sisters still lived at home with daddy . He ran the house like a stalag . She did manage to get away once or twice , saying she was going to the mall . They tried having sex , but when she removed her bra , she had hair instead of nipples . He could not perform for her , and she tried vigorously to stimulate him … nope . That breakup was difficult , and eventually , his office lost that account . Ooops . His band buddy , hooked him up with one of their Amway and Mormon church pals . Voices inside Marshall said don 't do it . He did anyway . She had two children : eight year old girl , and three year old boy . She was a nurse and got a really good job working 60 miles away on the night shift . There were several times when a week would go by and they would be like ghosts passing in the night . The old feelings came back again , and he began to abuse the boy . He spanked the boy for destroying a picture of one of Marshall 's friends and family . He spanked him several times , so much that he had bruises on his bottom . He had signed up for one of those singles call in leave a message about yourself services . He received several interested calls from women . He decided it was easy to see why some people would go to these kinds of services … none were particularly attractive , but sweet just the same . When Marshall and his wife would watch tv in the evenings , # 1 son would always participate . Little boy would scooch across the floor and climb up and sit by Marshall . His wife commented that ' he sure is attached to you . ' He got fed up with corporate bullshit and left the corp for another corp that paid more , and he did less . He first searched for Linda while at this job on the web . He had no luck , but at that time , the internet was in its infancy , and he really didn 't know how to use it . It worked out well , and he was away from home a lot , traveling to various stores for a national electronics retail outlet . That job was temporary , and after the temp position was over , he got on the help desk as a technician . A few months later , he applied for a slightly higher position working with the pc technicians . They exchanged emails for a few months , and Marshall 's wife busted him . He was forced to make a decision ; go or stay . He went . How he loved her . She was everything and more that he had imagined over the years . She had a daughter , 13 , who had been diagnosed with some type of mental illness , but Marshall thought she was just a spoiled rotten lazy brat . He dealt with her the best he could . They bought the townhouse they lived in , sold that , made some money , and bought a larger house . It had its problems , but he did what he could to fix it up . Linda 's mother passed away . Linda inherited her home , sold it , and they blew eighty thousand dollars faster than one could imagine . Linda did put in a swimming pool in the back yard with part of the inheritance . Life was pretty good , except for the felony . He hated the job he had to take to move to be with Linda . It ate at him for years . He applied at a couple of places , but the new security thing now was background checks . He lied on apps because if he did admit he had a felony conviction , that was pretty much the end of that particular application process . Then The Voice startled him " Well , this is your big night , isn 't it ? " He could not see from where The Voice came . It was very loud , and it sounded angry . " We could erase humanity and every evidence of its existence with a blink of an eye . You interest us because you are an aberration ; a deviance from the norm if you will . We allow , from time to time , and individual to improve , at their own volition . " " I 'll give you some advice " The Voice went on " there is something wrong with you . After you beat your son to death , you got some professional help . I urge you to fix that problem when you return because it will not go away . " " The last piece of advice is this : tell yourself to be a better big brother . Your brothers looked up to you , and they still love you after all you did to them . It could be much better though . Got it ? " Young Marshall seemed surprised and Marshall held out his driver 's license for Young Marshall to see . Young Marshall reached for it , but when he touched it , his fingers went through it like it was a ghost . This unnerved him even more , yet he studied the license , and looked at Marshall . " That street doesn 't even exist " he said . " Need more proof ? " Marshall said " ok , you drive a 1962 Studebaker . It has an inline six - cylinder , three speed on the tree with overdrive . It has a positrac rear end . Every Saturday night , you go out with your pals , smoke dope , and get high . Am I right so far ? " " You used to beat up your neighbor 's kids when you were younger . You used to steal money from your parents to support your spending habits . You wrecked your motorcycle on a race last year , and hurt your leg . You still went to visit your pal and rode golf carts around at night at the Country Club . The first time you got high , your pal and you were going to the dentist . You used to make stove top smoke bombs , and your brother almost burned the house down making one . How am I doin ' ? " " Plenty " Marshall said . " Are you ready ? There 's quite a few things , and I don 't have a lot of time for this . " Marshall continued " stay away from her . Be nice , but don 't let her throw herself at you . Be friendly , but don 't get involved with her at all . If you get cornered , just tell her you 're not interested . Got that ? " " Clean up your act . Cut your hair , stop smoking pot and cigarettes . Go spend your spare time chasing Linda . She likes you and always has . She 's just shy . Take your time to get to know her . Don 't rush . " Marshall paused , then went on " next year , you 'll graduate . Don 't stay working here . Get out as soon as you can . Go to college , then join the Navy , or just join the Navy . If you stay in for 20 years , you 'll be out before you 're forty with a nice pension for the rest of your life . If you get your degree first , you can join the Navy as an officer , and get an even bigger pension when you retire . " Marshall continued " be a better big brother . You 've treated your brothers like shit all their lives , and they still look up to you . Set a better example of what a big brother should be . Listen to them . They have problems too . Be their friend . The rewards you will get from changing this aspect of your life will return to you a thousand fold . There are few things more important than family . Are you with me so far ? " " What I spoke of earlier … your abusing kids … you need to get help and fix that because it will always be with you . There 's a great psychotherapist down the street . Get help and fix it soon , OK ? " " Then you could get yourself into a situation with a child and you could hurt him ; or worse . If and when you get caught , you could get into a lot of trouble . This is probably the second most important piece of advice . You know of what I speak . Fix it . " " Save your money and invest in a company called Microsoft . Got that ? Microsoft . Buy their stock and sit on it until you get out of the Navy . Then buy yourself a nice ranch in Wyoming . Get the hell outa here . This place will drag you down . " " All these things I have told you to do , you must do or your life will suck when you get older . I am not allowed to tell you what will happen in your future . If you do what I have suggested , you will have a wonderful life , and want for nothing . " The boss came out and said to Young Marshall " get back to work . " He looked at Marshall and said " buy something or leave . You 're distracting my help . I ain 't payin ' him to stand around and talk . " Marshall looked at Young Marshall as he started the truck . He rolled the window down , and flashed him a peace sign as he backed up . As he drove onto the street , the digitization began again . His view faded to gray . Marshall opened his eyes . The light was faint . He looked up at the ceiling and determined that this room was not where he had gone to sleep earlier . The ceiling was made of nicely done wooden planks and exposed wooden beams . He turned his head , noticing that it was chilly in the room . The light was coming through a large plate glass window . Someone was sleeping next to him and snoring softly . He turned and sat on the side of the bed . The person next to him stirred and said " Merry Christmas , my darling man . " It was Linda . Next to his bed was a chair with clothes on it . He put them on . He already had long johns on . He donned a nice pair of jeans and a flannel shirt . He noticed his huge spare tire had disappeared . She whipped her legs around and sat on the side of the bed . " Were you going to make breakfast for everyone ? You better get started ' cause you 've got an army to feed this morning . " Marshall looked around some more . The bedroom was very large , and very nice . Log cabin style walls . He stumbled around and found the master bath . He took care of business , brushed his teeth , and put on the pair of boots that were also by the chair . They fit nicely . He sat down in the chair . She walked briskly to him , touching his forehead asking " are you feeling all right ? The whole family is here and will be hungry when they get up … not to mention opening up gifts . You need to get started … it 's your tradition , you know . " She smiled . She took Marshall 's hand and led him to the bedroom door , and opened it . She turned and said " watch your head . There is a step down here . It was your idea " she said with a chuckle . They were standing in an open hallway . The hall opened into a huge living area . She led him into the living area after flicking on a couple of light switches . The living area contained two couches , a reclining love seat for two that reclined separately , several end tables , some ottomans , and a large coffee table in the center . It had huge logs for supports and the ceiling was vaulted with exposed beams . A large fireplace was at one end of the room , and Linda walked over and began stoking it . " This is usually your job " she said , and Marshall helped her . The fire began to start up quickly . The second floor balcony surrounded the living room on three sides . A huge double wide staircase was at opposite end of the fireplace . The balcony had several doors off of it , bathrooms and bedrooms , Linda explained . She seemed proud to talk of the home . It was Marshall 's idea , mostly , she said . More footsteps and more people headed to the kitchen . Joe 's wife Susie and youngest brother Eddie walked up with Christmas greetings and hugs . Marshall wiped tears and he hugged his family . There was a brief moment of silence and Linda answered " we moved here when you got out of the Navy in1998 . You sold your stock in Microsoft , made a fortune , and bought this ranch . We moved here and lived in the guest house " she gestured outside " and you designed this home . It has a basement too , with a lot of secret rooms and places . The main house is connected by underground tunnel to the original guest house . There is a root cellar off of the tunnel as well , and other secret rooms that I don 't even know about . This is a 500 acre ranch . You have many horses , chickens , pigs , and cattle . There is a bunkhouse with a couple of hired hands that live there . We have an artesian well . We grow alfalfa , some winter wheat , and have some huge vegetable gardens . We have rooms and rooms of stored foods ; canned , dry goods , bottled water , soap , medicine … the list goes on . You have rooms of guns , rifles , ammunition … I don 't know all the kind of stuff you have . I just know that your guns of choice are a Ruger . 44 magnum and a 30 - 30 . You also prefer your Mossberg 12 gauge . You 're an excellent shot too . You have a safe with gold , silver , and cash in it . " Joe stood up , and came over to Marshall , putting his hands on Marshall 's shoulders . " Marshall , that explains a lot because you obviously changed practically from one day to the next ; it was very noticeable . You became my best friend too , and were my best go to person for advice . " Linda continued " you stayed in south Texas and went to college . I went off to college . It was so hard to be apart from you . We got married after we graduated , and you joined the Navy and went to OCS . You stayed in the Navy for 20 years , and got out in ' 98 when we all moved here . We have three children ; Nathan , Gerald , and AmandaLynn … " Marshall nodded slowly , looking at her " so did you , but she wasn 't mine . You had a previous marriage before we met . That timeline is gone , and my children only exist in my memories . " More footsteps approaching the table were those of Adam and Alan . They were handsome young men and Marshall cried when he hugged Adam . He couldn 't stop or let go . Marshall gathered his composure and answered " Adam was severely injured in a motorcycle accident and broke his back and neck . He was confined to a wheel chair . He went on to graduate from NTSU with a degree in graphic arts , and worked for NIKE in Oregon . " He wiped his eyes . Others were crying too . Joe responded " oh they 're fine . They couldn 't make it this year , because of mom 's hip . It still gives her trouble , you know . " " Well , we 're going to need help running this place in the not too distant future . You guys who are interested , quit your jobs , get your money together , draw some plans , we 'll build your house , and just move on up . Think about it . I 'm sure it 's been discussed and now it 's time to decide . We have schools here for the young ones , and what 's more important than family ? I can tell that everyone loves it here . You 'd have your own responsibilities of course , but there 's what ? fifteen of us altogether ? " Marshall kept eating . Marshall went on " I 've never liked being apart from my family . I moved here to get away from a local society that dragged down my potential . Call this a Christmas present from us to all of you . I 'll talk to mom and dad too . I 'd prefer to have everyone here when the stuff hits the fan . If you don 't it may be too late by then to get you out . " The first person to around the corner was Amanda Lynn . She had her mother 's nose , and dimples . She looked a lot like Linda when she was in high school . She was decked out in a flannel shirt , and jeans . She had put on some house slippers … like her mom does . Two handsome men then appeared from around the corner . It was obvious who was who . Nathan , was slightly taller than Marshall . He was thin with blonde hair . The other was Gerald , just three years younger . He was a few inches shorter and a more stocky . He had blonde hair as well , but looked like it was starting to turn darker . " Merry Christmas , boys " Marshall replied , thinking momentarily about his other boys that he would never see again . He teared right up , but went into conversation . " Y ' all sit down and eat . Looks like you two don 't ever eat these days . " When he finished his mouthful , Nathan said " he 's got site plans for all of you picked out . Lots of strategy involved , but we thought it was a good plan . " He took another bite . Marshall took over the conversation . " Construction could start in the spring . You folks cash in your 401k accounts , profit sharing , sell your homes , have estate auctions and get up here . The guest house is vacant if you any of you get here early . Any and all are welcome to stay here until your own homes are finished . The main thing is , get your money out now . Open accounts here , and we 'll continue to stock up on supplies . Buy gold and silver if you like . We 'll pull cash out and keep it here in the safe for you , if you like . " Linda continued " you all know how he is . This part of him has not changed . There is enough supplies stored here to last all of us for several years . You know he 's not going to let up until all of you are here … . all I have to ask it this : why do you hesitate ? " " Joe " Marshall replied quietly " what else to you need in your life ? Your children are healthy . You have money . I know you hate living where you are , because of the constant heat and bugs . You have always had the rancher bug in you , but decided to stay there . There is hunting here , farming , ranching , construction , gardening , just to name a few . Susie , you 'd be in charge of our infirmary and probably nutrition for the entire ranch . If you need more , there are hospitals in town that could certainly use your expertise . " " Let 's go for a tour ! " Marshall said . " I need to see what we got ! After we open presents and see what Santa brought . " The rest of Christmas Day was spent doing Christmas , and exploring the ranch . As it turned out , Marshall had six snowmobiles . Joe , Eddie , Marshall , Alan , Adam , Nathan , Gerald , Mandy ( her nickname ) all went exploring the property . Marshall rode behind Nathan . The artesian well was located in the barnyard . It had a very sturdy brick structure around it . It filled a 500 gallon cistern , that was pressurized by a pump with two backup pumps . All structures had their own cisterns with fresh water . They sat in front of the fireplace after dinner talking . Marshall was served Crown Reserve , his favorite ; in any timeline . He was glad that several things had not changed . It paused then continued " you are correct about the price that you paid . You will always remember the other timeline . Your memories of this timeline will return over time . " |
The house stood back from the road in an orchard . In the orchard , monitor lizards the length of a man 's arm stalked the branches of rambutan trees like tigers on the hunt . Behind the house was an abandoned rubber tree plantation , so proliferant with monkeys and leeches and spirits that it might as well have been a forest . The first time she saw the boy across the classroom , Ah Lee knew she was in love because she tasted durian on her tongue . That was what happened - no poetry about it . She looked at a human boy one day and the creamy rank richness of durian filled her mouth . For a moment the ghost of its stench staggered on the edge of her teeth , and then it vanished . It was evening - Ah Lee had had to stay late at school for marching drills - and the aunts were already cooking dinner . The scent of fried liver came from the wok wielded by Aunty Girl . It smelt exquisite , but where before the smell of fried garlic would have filled her mouth with saliva , now it was the liver that made Ah Lee 's post - death nose sit up and take interest . It would have smelt even better raw . " I mean , " said Ah Lee . " When you eat the ginger , can you taste it ? Because I can 't . I can only taste people . Everything else got no taste . Like drinking water only . " Disapproval rose from the aunts and floated just above their heads like a mist . The aunts avoided discussing their undeceased state . It was felt to be an indelicate subject . It was like talking about your bowel movements , or other people 's adultery . " I finished it already , " said Ah Lee . " But why do you put in all the spices when you cook , then ? If it doesn 't make any difference ? " " Ah girl , " said Ah Ma , " you don 't talk like that , please . We are not animals . Even if we are not alive , we are still human . As long as we are human we will eat like civilised people , not dogs in the forest . If you want to know why , that is why . " " Enough , enough , " said Ah Chor . As the oldest of the aunts , she had the most authority . " No need to talk about this kind of thing . Ah Lee , come pick the roots off these tauge and don 't talk so much . " Ah Lee kept running into the wall of the aunts ' disapproval head first . They were a family who believed that there was a right way to do things , and consequently a right way to think . Ah Lee always seemed to be thinking wrong . She could see that as her caretakers the aunts had a right to determine where she went and what she did . But she objected to their attempts to change what she thought . After all , none of them had died before the age of fifty - five , while she was stuck at sixteen . This came after Sa Ee Poh had spent half an hour marvelling over her capacity for disagreement . In Sa Ee Poh 's day , girls did not answer back . They listened to their elders , did their homework , came top in class , bought the groceries , washed the floor , and had enough time left over to learn to play the guzheng and volunteer for charity . When Sa Ee Poh had been a girl , she had positively delighted in submission . But children these days … . " Why do you care so much about brands ? " said Ah Ma . " If you want clothes , Ah Ma can make clothes for you . Better than the clothes in the shop also . " So Ah Lee did not tell them about the boy . If the aunts could not handle her having thoughts , imagine how much worse they would be about her having feelings . Especially love - love , stealing into her life like a thief in the night , filling her dried out heart and plumping it out . Being a vampire was not so bad . It was like eating steak every day , but when steak was your favourite food in the world . It wasn 't anything like the books and movies , though . In books and movies it seemed quite romantic to be a vampire , but Ah Lee and her aunts were clearly the wrong sort of people for the ruffled shirt and velvet jacket style of vampirism . In fact Ah Lee 's life had become more boring post - death than it had been pre - , because at least when she was alive she had had friends . Now she just had aunts . She still went to school , but she was advised against fraternising with her schoolfellows for obvious reasons . " Anyway , what is friends ? " said the aunts . " Won 't last one . Only family will be there for you at the end of the day . " Yet here came this boy one fine day , and suddenly her ears and nostrils were cleared . Her head was blown open . The sayings of the aunts fluttered away in the wind and dissolved with nothing to hold on to . Love was like swallowing a cili padi whole . " I can 't remember whether today is my turn to clean the window or not . Sorry , you say what ah ? You think that guy looks very nice , is it ? " " I know , right , " said the classmate . This seemed an eccentric move to them both . Everyone had uncles and aunts , cousins , older brothers and sisters who lived in KL . Only grandparents stayed in Lubuk Udang . In three years , Ah Lee knew , none of the people sitting around her in the classroom would still be living there . Lubuk Udang was a place you moved away from when you were still young enough to have something to move for . Fresh surprises awaited . The first time the boy opened his mouth in class , a strong Western accent came out . It said , " I don 't know " in answer to the obvious question the Add Maths teacher had posed him , but it made even that confession of ignorance sound glamorous . Ridzual called natrium " sodium " and kalium " potassium " . For the duration of his first week at school he wore dazzlingly white hi - top leather sneakers instead of the whitewashed canvas shoes everyone else wore . The shoes didn 't last long - they were really too cool to be regulation . But it didn 't matter that Ridzual had to give them up to the discipline teacher a week after he had started . The aroma of leather hung around him forever after , even when he was only wearing Bata like the rest of the class . Ah Lee had never been in love but she took to it like a natural despite her lack of practice . She spun secret fantasies about him : the things they would say to each other , the adventures they would have . She would reel off dazzling one - liners ; he would gaze at her with intrigued longan seed eyes . She saw them sitting in a cafe unlike any kopitiam to be found in Lubuk Udang , with flowered wallpaper , tiny glossy mahogany tables , and brisk friendly waitresses who took your orders down in a little notebook and did not shout in the direction of the kitchen , " Milo O satu ! " They would sit together at a table , Ridzual 's curly head bent close to her smooth one . They would speak of serious things , but she would also make him laugh . Through this love she would be renewed , brilliant , special . However lurid her fantasies got , her imagination never stretched beyond conversation . You could not imagine kissing a boy when you were never more than a room 's width away from an aunt . Ah Lee 's favourite time to dream was in that precious space of quiet between getting in bed and falling asleep . She could construct a pretty good Parisian cafe as she lay underneath her Donald Duck blanket . But cafes were one thing : kisses were another . No kiss could survive Ji Ee 's snores from the mattress across the room . It was no big deal . There was time enough to imagine the later stages of her romance - after all , she had not even got to the overtures . Ah Lee came from a family that believed in being prepared . While staring at the back of Ridzual 's lovely head in class , she wove conversation openers , from the casual to the calculatedly cool . The aunts would have pulled it off if they had left everything to Ji Ee . In life Ji Ee had played the violin . She could have been a professional if her husband had not become envious and depressed , so that she had had to stop playing to keep him happy . She had not touched a violin since , but she still had the soul of an artist . It gave her sensibility . They were sitting on the step outside the kitchen door . Behind them came the hiss and clang of Ah Chor making human stomach soup with bucketloads of pepper and coriander . In front of them stood the orchard . " When you are young , you must focus , " said Ji Ee . " You must pay attention at school , study hard and become clever . When you are young , that is when you have the best chance . And you are young now , in this modern day , when women can do everything . Can be doctor , can be lawyer . You know none of us went to university . Your Ah Chor wasn 't allowed and when Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh were young , during the war , everything was too kelam - kabut . I wasn 't clever enough . Aunty Girl 's family couldn 't afford it , so she could only get a diploma . " But you , Ah Lee , you have all the opportunities . We have lived so long , we have saved enough money . Maybe if you study hard , if you get a scholarship , you could even go to England like my uncle the doctor , your Tua Tiao Kong . Your English is so good . You have a good chance . " Ah Lee was used to such pep talks . The aunts never scolded ; they did not believe in raising their voice . They only " told " . The benefits of only ever being told and not scolded were obvious , but the disadvantage of it was that while people only scolded when you had done something wrong , aunts got to tell all the time . " I know , Ji Ee , " Ah Lee said . " You all have told me before . " In her daydream Ridzual had been on the point of tucking her hair behind her ear . She was impatient to return to it . " You must not get distracted by anything , " said Ji Ee . " There will be time for other things when you are older . There is so much time ahead of you . Right now you must focus on your studies . Then we can tell all the neighbours about our clever girl . " She put her soft hand on Ah Lee 's arm and stroked it . Love came up the arm and melted Ah Lee 's thorny teenaged heart . When Ji Ee said , " Ah girl ! Who is this Malay boy ? What is he called already ? " She turned to Ah Ma . " Ri - Li - Liwat or what ? " Ah Ma did not know any dirty words , and could not have told you what sodomy was if you 'd asked her . She said unconcernedly , " Ridzwan , Ma . He is called Ridzwan . Isn 't that right , Ah Lee ? " Ah Lee was surfing the waves of outrage . She started to say , " You all read my diary ? " Then she clamped her mouth shut in fury . Of course they had . She could just picture Ji Ee and Aunty Girl reading it out , translating the English and Malay to Hokkien as they went along for the benefit of Ah Chor and Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh , who could not read . The aunts ' conception of the right to privacy went far enough to allow you to close the toilet door when you were peeing , but no further . " Even if you think you will be so happy and the man is so good , you don 't know what can happen , " said Ah Chor . " Do you know or not , they can marry four wives ? Malay men … . " The laksa lady cannot even count as girlfriend , " sniffed Sa Ee Poh . " Remember how she threw a bowl of laksa in his face when he told her he wasn 't going to marry her . Even a laksa lady can put on airs like that . " " She asked him to pay for it some more ! " said Ah Ma . She realised they were enjoying reminiscing about her naughty brother 's adventures rather too much , and changed her face to look serious . " Ah Lee , this is what men are like . " " Only bad men , " said Ah Ma . " But when you are young you cannot tell whether a man is a good man or a bad man yet . You are too small . Now you must focus on your studies . Don 't think about this Ridzwan . " " This is what happens when you marry too young , " she told Ah Lee . " That Man didn 't even deserve to be called husband . I was only 19 when I had my third child , your Sa Ee Poh , and already he had a second wife . " " When I found out , I told him , if you don 't stop seeing her , I will take my children and go , " said Ah Chor . " He promised he wouldn 't see her again . But all along after that , little did I know he was going back and forth between me and that other woman ! My fourth child is the same age as her second child . He didn 't know how to feel shame ! Never mind my heart . At least if she didn 't have children nobody would know . But he didn 't even care enough to save my face . " " Ah Lee must know so she won 't make the same mistake , " said Ah Chor . " He didn 't even support the second wife properly , so she came to me asking for money . When I saw her with the baby , I packed up and brought all my children here . Don 't think this was your grandfather 's house ! He was rich before he lost it all in gambling , but this was my parents ' home . His creditors couldn 't touch this . All this was my land . If That Man came on it without my permission , I could call the police on him . " " Oh , he was my husband , after all , " said Ah Chor . " I didn 't let him live here . Only visit . I told him , you can come and stay for good only after you get rid of that woman . But he didn 't , so even after he asked and asked , I never went back to him . " It wasn 't easy , you know or not ? Raising eight children with no husband . Lucky my mother was there to help me . That 's why you cannot think about this kind of thing at your age - men , romance . It 's too early . " " He was a good husband . Men have their little ways . They have their likes and dislikes . As long as they are responsible , as long as they look after you and the children , there 's no harm in letting them have their way . " Ah Lee was less impressed by the wickedness of Sa Ee Poh 's husband . Sa Ee Poh was the only one who spoke about her husband with the complacency of someone who had asked more of love and always received it . But she still complained about her husband 's vegetarianism . " You think what ? I had to be vegetarian also ! " Sa Ee Poh retorted . " You think he cooked for himself ? I cooked for the two of us . Vegetarian a few times a year or for a few months , I don 't mind . Vegetarian all the time … for the rest of my life I never tasted garlic or onion ! " Ah Ma kept the story about her marriage for the right time . One night Ah Lee 's evening hunt had taken longer than usual , so she got home late and only managed to finish her Add Maths homework after 11 . She was feeling creaky - jointed and lonely as she got ready for bed in a house full of night sounds . The beam of light under Ah Ma 's door came as a pleasant surprise . Ah Lee climbed into bed to the soft melody of Ah Ma 's fussing : " Come under the blanket , you 'll get cold . Let Ah Ma feel your hands . Ah , see lah , so cold ! Next time you mustn 't go out until so late . Not good to work so late at night . Why don 't you want to eat dinner with us ? " " I did , Ah Ma , " Ah Lee protested . Now that she was under the blanket with Ah Ma 's bony arm around her and Ah Ma 's warm chest against her cheek , she felt drowsy , protected . " The guy had a motorbike . Didn 't know how to get rid of it . " " Yes . Flew out of town and dumped it in the middle of an oil palm plantation . No blood stains , and I took off the licence plate . " Ah Ma tsked . " So difficult , " she said . " Next time just eat with us . We all have hunted for you already . And we are older than you so we know which people are the nicest to eat . " They sat in silence for a while . Ah Lee half - shut her eyes to keep out the light from the lamp on the bedside table . Through the slits of her eyes she could see Ah Ma 's reading glasses and the container in which she kept her false teeth . The teeth floated in cloudy water , yellowed by coffee and blood . The cicadas screeched . The ceiling fan hummed to itself . The air was cool enough that the breeze it created was a pleasure rather than the necessity it usually was . Ah Lee forgot the persistent sense of irritation she had had since the aunts had found her diary , which had felt as if she had sand in her underwear . She was almost asleep when Ah Ma spoke . " Don 't know , " said Ah Lee . An expectant pause ensued . Ah Ma was waiting for a better attempt at an answer . " Er … you loved him ? " " Where got ? " said Ah Ma . " I was 16 , a little girl only . How to know what is love yet ? Ah Ma washed your backside when you were a baby . Now that is love . " " Don 't answer back to your elders , " said Ah Ma . " No , I married him because of the war . The Japanese soldiers used to come to everyone 's houses looking for young girls . So Ah Chor cut our hair and put us in our brothers ' clothes . It worked with Sa Ee Poh because she was younger and skinny , but you know when Ah Ma was young Ah Ma was so chubby - chubby . Even wearing boys ' clothes , I still looked like a girl . " When the soldiers came Ah Chor would tell us to run to the forest behind the house and hide there until the soldiers went away . So horrible ! Must lie in the mud . Cannot move even with mosquitoes biting your body . When I came back to the house my face looked like it had pimples all over it because of the mosquito bites , and my legs were covered with leeches . I had to sit down in the kitchen and Ah Chor would put salt on them , but you cannot take them off with your hand , you know ? Must wait until they drop off . Then when they came off , my legs would bleed everywhere . So horrible . " " One day some soldiers came without warning to our house . I was in the kitchen cutting ubi kayu . Those days we had nothing much to eat , only tapioca that we grew ourselves . There was no time to run out to the forest , so I just tried to make myself look small , bent my head over the chopping board . Your Ah Chor was so scared , she offered them all the food : do you want Nescafe , do you want biscuit , this lah , that lah . And she talked . Usually when the soldiers came we didn 't talk so much . Scared they think we asked questions because we were spies or what . But Ah Chor didn 't want them to look at me , so she kept talking . Did they like Malaya ? How was Japan like , not so hot ? Her Japanese was not so good but she used every word she knew . When she ran out of words she knew , she repeated everything she 'd already said . " But the soldiers kept looking over at me . I was so scared I cut my finger instead of the ubi and the blood went all over the tapioca . And I didn 't even make a sound . The soldiers drank coffee . They talked to Ah Chor , very friendly . Then they finally got up to go . Suddenly their captain turned around and pointed at me . He said , " All along they were looking at the ubi kayu on the shelf above my head ! We gave them all the ubi we harvested from our own plants , even though we went hungry for the next few days . Your great - grandfather said Ah Chor should have given me away instead . " " Men cannot stand having empty stomachs , " said Ah Ma . " After that your great - grandparents were very anxious to see me married . When your Ah Kong came to lodge with us he was already quite old - 38 years old - and we only knew him a few weeks before he asked to marry me . But he was a teacher and an educated man and the Japanese respected him , so my mother and father said yes . " A hush . Ah Lee said into it , " He wasn 't so bad , was he ? " She remembered her grandfather as a benign figure , distant , but kindly enough when he was reminded of your existence . " Your Ah Kong was a good father , " said Ah Ma . " All his students at his school looked up to him . Even the Japanese could see that he had a good character . And he knew how to be polite . He never said a bad word to me . " But when a girl marries so young , to someone so much older … and he was educated , and I couldn 't even read . I could hold a pen but I could only draw pictures with it . Ah girl , you must never tell anybody this . But your Ah Kong did not respect me . Without love you can live a happy life . Love is something that will come after you live together with your husband , after you have children together . But a woman should not marry where there is no respect . Respect is the most important thing . When she was a child Ah Lee had often wondered whether adults could read her mind . They seemed to have an uncanny ability to tell what she was thinking at any given moment . Ah Ma evinced this telepathy now : " Ah , you 're angry already , " she said . " Don 't think so much . Listen to Ah Ma and do what you 're told . Now give me a kiss and go to bed . " It was because of Thursdays . Ji Ee and Aunty Girl were the only two of the aunts who could drive , so it was their job to pick Ah Lee up from school . But they had line dancing every Thursday and so they were an hour late . Ah Lee usually waited for them in the canteen , doing homework if she felt like it and daydreaming if she didn 't . In the middle of the day there weren 't many people around , and it was pleasant , even quiet . It smelled of grease , heated metal from the car park , and the freshly - washed flesh of the afternoon session kids waiting for school to start . " Your name is Eng Ah Lee ? Don 't worry , I 'm not a stalker . I know ' cos I was checking out all our team members in class . I 'm using this project as an exercise to get to know people . My name 's Ridzual , I 'm new . So what do you think of early civilisations ? I don 't know shit about them . " Despite her many fantasies , Ah Lee had not seriously considered ever actually talking to Ridzual . She waited for her throat to close and her muscles to freeze . But she found herself speaking naturally , as if to a friend whom she had known forever . " Hah ! Don 't even say that , " said Ridzual . " No , that 's true . At least with Tamadun Awal maybe we can dress up like Ancient Egyptians or something . I think I 'd look good in eyeliner . " " Nanti kena rotan by the discipline teacher then you know , " said Ah Lee . " You know Puan Aminah doesn 't even let us wear coloured watches . Must be black , plain black strap . " She showed him the watch she was wearing . " Metal watch also cannot . Too gaya konon . " " Wah lau , " said Ridzual . He said it in a toneless accent Ah Lee found peculiarly charming . " I think that woman is just jealous . Like when she confiscated my shoes . She couldn 't stand looking at them , just got too jealous of my style . " It would have been obnoxious if he had been serious . But Ridzual wore a perpetual embarrassed smile , an uncertainty around the eyes , that made it obvious that the hot air was just joking . Ah Lee liked vulnerability in a human , and she warmed to this . " I never saw them again , " said Ridzual . " I think she 's wearing them now . Sometimes if you look closely you can see the white flash under the hem of her baju … . " Discipline teachers cannot stand me , " he said mournfully . " I remind them of what they can never achieve . At my last school there was one teacher like that . Encik Velu . He used to chase me around the school with a rotan . He said it 's because I ponteng or I made rude signs at the teacher or I kencing in the beaker or some garbage like that . But he couldn 't fool me . I knew it was because he wished he was like me when he was young , one million years ago . " " Only once , " said Ridzual modestly . " It was for science . I wanted to titrat it but the kimia teacher stop me before I can do it . " " Oh , that , " said Ridzual . It was his turn to look embarrassed . " That 's called a Bangsar accent . But don 't hold it against me . I 'm trying to be a Lubuk Udangite . A good prawn . " Ah Lee had not had a friend to spend break with since she 'd started at that school . She did not eat during break . It had seemed simpler to avoid the crowd at the canteen , and find some out - of - the - way spot on the school grounds where she could read . She had loved the chewy fried fish sticks in life . Now she was dead they tasted of nothing . She ate slowly and threw the remaining keropok away when break was over . She felt bad about the waste of it - heart - pain , the aunts would have said . Ah Lee 's upbringing had trained her to a mindful parsimoniousness , so that it did almost feel like a physical pain to see the fish sticks tumbling into the bin . " Er , Tua Kim , " said Ah Lee . " Um , don 't tell the others , OK or not ? Ah Chor and Ah Ma and all of them . Ah Ma will scold me for eating fried things . She 'll say I 'll get pimples . " " You need your own friends , " said Tua Kim . When Ah Lee peeked up she saw that Tua Kim 's face had not softened . She spoke almost sternly . It was not kindness in her face , but understanding . " You need your own thing , " said Tua Kim . " Something that 's nothing to do with your family . You feel this especially when you 're young , but even for old people it 's important . Some people don 't understand this kind of thing . So it 's better not to talk so much about it . " She wiped her hand on a dishcloth and started putting the clean dishes back in the cupboard . " I 'll put your snack in your backpack in the morning . Other people don 't need to see . " She had never thanked an aunt for anything before . It was understood that they would do things for her , that that was the way the world worked . She did not need to thank them any more than trees thanked the sun for shining or the earth thanked the clouds for rain . Ah Lee was not sure the aunts would have understood or even registered any attempt on her part to express gratitude for the many ways in which they cared for her . It made her feel funny to say the words - stripped , somehow . Skinless and shy . To say it was to contemplate a world in which the aunts did not look after her . Tua Kim only inclined her head slightly to show she had heard . She made no other response . That was one thing you could rely on Tua Kim for . She had a sense of the appropriateness of things . The next day at school Ah Lee opened her plastic container and almost felt normal , eating fried kidney nuggets as if she were any ordinary kid at school . Ridzual sneaked looks at the nuggets as he was eating his tomyam noodles . When he had finished his noodles , he said casually , " In this country we must accept other people 's customs , " said Ah Lee . " Not just tolerate , but respect . That is how to live together . " " Who 's greedy now ? " said Ah Lee . " One bowl of tomyam , how many otak - otak - tak cukup ke ? Your mother and father don 't feed you ? " " No ! " said Ah Lee a little too loudly . " Everything is Ridzual this , Ridzual that . You think that 's the only thing I think about , is it ? " " That 's right , " said Aunty Girl . " She doesn 't stop liking things so fast . Remember when she was small , she liked that English show , what was it called - " she switched to English for the title : " ' My Little Horsie ' . She had all those horse toys , with the long hair and the stars on the backside . She liked it for two years ! From four until six . " " Men are not like My Little Heh Bee , " said Ah Chor reprovingly . " There 's no problem with liking little heh bee for a long time . But Ah Chor has already told you , so many problems come if you like a man . " " Ma , " Ji Ee protested . " You let me have friends when I was Ah Lee 's age . There 's nothing wrong with boy friends - not sweethearts , not at this age , but boy friends are OK . That 's normal . " " We couldn 't , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Not you and me . Never mind sweethearts . Ma didn 't even allow us just to be friends with boys . " " When we were older we could get married , and everybody could come to our wedding , " she said . " There was nothing to hide . It 's not the same for you . " Ah Ma wants you to get married some day . Ah Ma wants you to graduate from university . Maybe you will never have children , but you can be a good scholar and have a good job . Other people will admire you . Your husband will respect you . " But for this to happen , people cannot know . You must be very careful . You have to go to school so you can study , but you must make sure people don 't remember you . No friends . Don 't talk too much to teachers . You remember we all told you this before you started school again . " Ah Lee remembered . She stared at her exercise book . Ridzual had written " what does any of it MEAN " at the bottom of the page . She had whited it out with liquid eraser , but the words showed through after the white fluid had dried . " Don 't do it suddenly , " said Ji Ee . " Slowly just become more distant . Don 't drop him immediately , but don 't need to talk to him so much . He will get the hint . " " Things will change in the future , " said Aunty Girl . " When you are older , at university , it 'll be easier to hide . You can have friends there . But this place is too small . Everybody knows everybody 's business . It 's better to keep to yourself . " " There 's no need to be so sad , girl , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Even if you hurt his feelings , he won 't remember you after a while . Young people recover very fast . " I will remember , thought Ah Lee . She did not want to cry because the aunts made such a fuss when you cried . She gulped and squeezed her pen and looked at Tua Kim . " Hah ! Very true , " said Aunty Girl . " When you get married , you won 't be the only bride who knows something the groom doesn 't know . Cousin Kah Hoe didn 't even know his wife was pregnant until she had the baby six months after the wedding . " How could you die and not be old enough to hear about premarital sex ? How could you die and still not be allowed to fall in love or be honest ? Surely not everything had to wait for university and a good job . Passion and truth had to trump even those things . It was a Thursday again , Ji Ee and Aunty Girl 's line dancing day , and Ah Lee and Ridzual were hanging around waiting for their respective rides home . They had found the perfect width of concrete ledge to sit on next to the monsoon drain outside their school . From here they had an unobstructed view of the road , and a big leafy flame - of - the - forest provided dappled shade . Once it was out she felt a great sense of relief . She knew she wanted to tell him . She was sick of keeping everything important to herself , hidden away from the piercing gaze of the aunts . Ah Lee started to feel worried . She had never seen Ridzual act like this before . Something seemed really wrong . Maybe something bad had happened at home . She got up and touched his shoulder . " It 's no big deal , " he said . " It 's nothing to you . There 's nothing wrong . I just like you , that 's all . That 's my big secret . Probably you know already , probably it is very obvious . You want you laugh lah . But it 's the first time I 've ever been in l - love , so sorry if I want to make a big fuss about it . " " It 's OK ! " he said . " Don 't say ! I know the answer . I 've embarrassed myself enough . Just out of the kindness of your heart , can you please don 't say anything ? " " For five minutes ! " said Ridzual . " In five minutes my dignity will return . Just leave me in peace to enjoy my misery for five minutes , OK ? " " Don 't need to be so drama , " she said . " You think this is Cantonese serial or what ? I had something to tell you too , remember ? " There was a pause in which Ridzual did not move or even show that he had heard . Then he rubbed his eyes . He rearranged his limbs , sat down on the ledge , and looked at her . " You don 't have to agree when I kutuk myself ! " said Ridzual . He gave her the sweetest half - smile . His eyes were red and his lashes were still wet . She found she could not do it . It was absurd . She had promised herself that she would tell him that she liked him , and not just as a friend . She liked him liked him . It had seemed so easy five minutes ago . It ought to be even easier now . She had only to say , " I like you back . " But what if Ridzual didn 't believe her ? What if he thought she was just saying it to comfort him ? What if , once she said it , he revealed that he had just been joking about liking her ? Could she stand to give so much of herself away ? " That 's why you can 't share my nuggets , " Ah Lee said wildly . " They 're not not - halal because they 're made of pork . They 're not halal because they 're made of human . " At first Ridzual looked as if he might believe her . He looked at her for a long time , his mouth grim . His eyebrows knitted , his mouth twisted - then his face cleared and he laughed . " You 're such a freak , " said Ridzual . " You 're the weirdest person I know . Is that how you always try to change the subject in an awkward situation ? " Scuse me , sir , your fly is undone . But don 't worry about it , I 'm a werewolf ! ' " Ah Lee should have been relieved , or maybe touched , or any one of a number of benign emotions . Instead she felt vexed . You told someone the biggest secret you had and they didn 't even take you seriously ! What was she thinking ? she asked herself later . She knew that love was supposed to make you act funny , but she did not know that it could actually deprive you of all common sense . Or kindness . It was not kind to show that to a human . What Ridzual saw was a cold grey face , a face incontrovertibly dead . The features were Ah Lee 's own everyday features , but the skin did not have the comforting human glow - the flush in the cheek , the sweat on the upper lip . The texture of it was such that it did not even look like skin . Her face looked like it was made out of plastic . The long black hair hung around the face lankly . The eyes were white . When her mouth opened , a musty inorganic smell gusted out . The tongue was bright red , the colour of fresh arterial blood , and it was too long . She watched him run down the road , his limbs flailing and growing smaller . When he reached the junction at the end of the road , he stopped and doubled over . He would be bathed in sweat - the sun was unforgiving today , and Ridzual always skipped PE classes . He paused and Ah Lee could almost see him wonder whether he should scrape up his dignity and come back to the forgiving shade , or keep jogging and probably have sunstroke . But then it was an agony to be sitting alone . It took so long to chew each nugget when she wasn 't using her mouth for talking . She caught glimpses of Ridzual through the crowd , queueing up for his tomyam and awkwardly not looking at anyone because he didn 't have any friends except her . The nuggets tasted like paper . It was as if she was eating human food . After that she avoided the canteen . Behind one of the school blocks there was a narrow channel that ran between the building and the wall that surrounded the school grounds . It had become a repository for unwanted things : buckets of dried paint were lined up along the wall , and broken old furniture came here to die . Ah Lee fit right in . Here she could sit and read in peace , just as she had done before she 'd ever become friends with Ridzual . " Sorry lah , " said Ridzual in a mild complaining tone . He rubbed his jaw . " What is this , WWF ? Man , you have a strong right hook . " Ridzual looked around for a chair , but failed to locate one . In a government school chairs only got rejected from classroom duty for a real fault , such as having a hole in the middle of the seat , or being in several pieces . He sat down on the ground instead . " I didn 't even know such things were real , " he whispered . He did not look up at her . " How did you become a - a - " ' Vampire ' was safe . ' Vampire ' was like Dracula , like goofy old black and white films , like pale ang moh boys who swooned over long - haired girls . Vampire was funny , or sexy , depending on which movie you watched . Ridzual had a boyish disregard for subtextual cues . He did not seem to notice how wound up Ah Lee was . He said , softly , as if he were speaking to himself , " I 've really never liked anyone as much as I like you , " said Ridzual . " In my life . Not even as a , a girl . I 've never even had a friend I liked as much as you . " When I 'm with you I feel like life is exciting . Like everything has an interesting secret behind it , like nothing is normal or boring . That 's how you make me feel . Not even by doing anything . Just when I 'm hanging out with you . " " Who you think you 're talking to ? " said Ah Lee . " There is no Ah Lee the vampire and Ah Lee your friend - the girl who use to be your friend . I am just one person . If you make not a vampire anymore , doesn 't mean we can be - be dating . If you make me not a vampire anymore , means there is no me anymore . You understand ? " When she took off her shoes at the front door the air hit her nose , crowded with homey smells : coriander and hong yu and the stale scent of clean blankets . The balloon popped . Ah Lee drew in a huge breath and expelled it as a sob . " Ah , that 's it , late ! " said Ah Chor sternly . " Always late ! What 's the use of all this line - dancing ? Now you are late to pick Ah Lee up and you have made her cry . " " Ah girl , don 't cry , " said Ji Ee . " Ji Ee won 't be late anymore . We don 't need to go dancing . Ah , so old already , we won 't miss it ! " " I never believed in all this dancing thing , " said Ah Chor . " In my time girls didn 't put themselves up there on the stage for people to look at it . It 's not so nice . " " Ma , their dancing is not like cabaret , " said Sa Ee Poh . " It is exercise , like taichi or aerobic . Anyway the girls are so big already . Why not let them do it ? " Tua Kim was the only one who had stayed in the kitchen when Ah Lee started crying . Now the sound of the tap running stopped and she came into the room , wiping her hands on a rag . A momentary lull had fallen as the aunts waited for Ah Lee to reply , so everyone heard Tua Kim when she spoke , even though her voice was as quiet as it always was . In the hush , Tua Kim sat down on the sofa next to Ah Lee and put her arm around her . The aunts were not from a generation that hugged . Tua Kim did it in a detached , almost a clinical way . In the same way the aunts had picked Ah Lee up and carried her when she was too exhausted to walk , those first few hours after she died . Ah Lee went to bed feeling pleasantly hollow and tired from crying so much . Her eyes were red and the skin around her nostrils was rough , but she felt clean and quiet inside . Aunt after aunt came into her room on some pretext , to lay their soft wrinkled hands on her head and make sure her blanket was tucked around her properly . She slept like the virtuous dead , dreamless and innocent . It would start hurting again soon . The sense of invulnerability wouldn 't last forever . The aunts would stop spoiling her and start chiding her for still being upset about it . But some day she 'd stop being upset , stop missing Ridzual at all , and when she was done with school she would go to university far away from Lubuk Udang , and maybe there she 'd meet someone nicer than Ridzual . She got up and walked through the silent dark house , wondering . There was no one in the kitchen . The living room was empty . It was six thirty , past the hour when Sa Ee Poh 's favourite Cantonese serial would have begun - and yet the house was auntless . They must have gone out hunting , though it was late for that . Ah Lee herself preferred to hunt at night , under the cover of darkness , but the aunts did not even think you should laugh loudly before going to bed , or it would give you nightmares . Hunting was considered far too stimulating an activity to engage in so close to bedtime . They preferred to hunt in the afternoon , when the household chores were done and the humans were dozy . It was strange that they had all gone out at the same time . Even on the rare occasion that the aunts went out hunting in a body , one of them usually stayed at home - often Tua Kim , because Tua Kim disliked the mess and exertion of hunting . Somebody had to make sure Ah Lee had fed herself and did her homework . Somebody had to look after her . Most of the time Ah Lee was a girl . Her body and her mind were more used to it . Being in vampire mode made her uncomfortable . She avoided it as much as she could . Her whole self relaxed . Her body became a weapon : smells grew sharp , her vision cleared . Ordinary thoughts were big vague clouds , too complicated and light to bother about , and through the clouds thrust the one vital thing , red and pulsing like a fresh bruise - hunger . Hovering above Lubuk Udang , she became invisible . The dying sunlight shone through her bones . The scents of the town floated up to her : a woman 's jasmine - scented hair , the stink of the underarms of a tired hawker stallholder , the smell of someone 's earwax . Anything else , anything not human , smelt pale in comparison , like water , but she could distinguish those scents if she concentrated hard enough , pulling them up from beneath the textured smells of humans . The aunts would smell of nothing . But she knew Ridzual 's scent . She sorted through the scents coming to her on the wind ; his wasn 't there . It might be too late already . How long had it been since they 'd left ? And once Ridzual was meat she wouldn 't be able to find him - he wouldn 't smell of himself anymore . He would just smell of food . The sky was going grey and the sunlight was fading when Ridzual left school . His dad would be busy getting dinner ready and his mom was outstation , so he 'd told his dad he would cycle home . It would take half an hour , but the air was soft and humid in the evening , cool enough to cycle . He hated koku , but he 'd stayed for the extra few hours of marching in his Scouts uniform , sweating under the blistering sun in a desperate attempt to fit in . It was probably worth it . If he didn 't go , he would probably fit in even less , whereas at least now people knew who he was . Last week one guy had even thwacked him on the back in a friendly way , yelling , " Oi ! What 's up , Mohsein ? " But Ridzual had never been the kind of guy who attracted that response from his fellow guys , and he was OK with that . He flew under the radar enough that he 'd never been bullied . People let him do his own thing , and that was all he wanted . He hadn 't even really noticed not having friends . In KL he 'd hung out with his cousins , who were used to him being the weird one and didn 't hold it against him , and here in Lubuk Udang there was Ah Lee . His brain had successfully been avoiding the subject of her for all of ten minutes , but now it slid back down the old path . He kept forgetting and thinking of her as his friend , as the girl he 'd fallen in love with . And if you thought of her as a human being , it was horrific what he had done to her . He had been a prize asshole , an unmitigated jerk . But before he could begin beating himself up for messing up the best thing that had ever happened to him , he 'd remember that face she 'd turned to him . And that made him not know how to feel again . That face had not been human . Kindness wasn 't a thing that lived in the same world as that face . He had to stop thinking about this . There was nothing he could do about it . Maybe she wasn 't a vampire . Maybe she was deluded and he 'd been hallucinating . Or maybe she was a vampire , but she wouldn 't kill and eat him as long as he left her alone . She knew he wouldn 't tell anyone . Who could he tell ? Who believed in vampires anyway ? " Stupid , " said Ridzual aloud . The word wasn 't ' vampire ' . ' Vampire ' wasn 't scary enough to describe the thing he 'd seen . It was like calling a toyol a pixie . The problem with Ridzual was that he was a city boy . He 'd grown up watching Japanese superhero TV shows and reading Archie comics . He hadn 't really known his grandparents - they 'd died when he was too little to hold conversations , much less be told scary stories . He didn 't recognise the scent that sprang out of the evening then , though he registered it as something floral . It reminded him of Ah Lee : it smelled of her . It was funny that it had never occurred to him that Ah Lee might use perfume . He 'd cycled on a little further when he heard the baby crying . A long wail , followed by a piteous sob - sob - sob that pierced the heart . It was startling how close it was - practically next to his ear . He braked by the side of the road and got off his bike . It was an odd place for a baby to be . He was standing on the edge of a car park . Across the road was a row of shoplots , their signs still lit up , but the entrances were a line of closed grey faces . The car park was an expanse of orange earth , dusty and crumbling and covered with weeds . It was fenced with rusting wire , and shrubs ran along its periphery . There weren 't many cars parked there , and the booth at the entrance was dark . He 'd read about baby - dumping in the newspapers . But you never thought you 'd encounter such things yourself . And not in such a place as this , surely - a nice small town ? This wasn 't KL . Who would dump a baby ? said a voice in Ridzual 's head . Someone young , who wasn 't supposed to be doing anything that would lead to a baby in the first place . Someone scared . The baby would be somewhere in there , probably . But he couldn 't seem to work out where . The farther he walked in what he thought was the direction of the sound , the softer the baby 's cries got . It was getting darker . The world was a pale purply - blue , and the moon showed clear in the sky . The car park was full of dark shapes - empty cars , rustling bushes . The cicadas were screaming their heads off , and the baby was getting so soft he could hardly hear it through the insects - but it was still crying , a long drawn - out wail , trailing off in a hopeless series of hiccups . He found something behind the next bush . It wasn 't a baby , though . It was an old lady , lying crumpled on the ground in a pathetic heap of batik and grey hair . " Shit , " said Ridzual without thinking . He bent down and reached out to touch the lady 's shoulder : " Sorry , mak cik . Are you OK ? " The face the mak cik turned to him was a normal mak cik face . She was a Chinese lady with fluffy white hair and a mole on her left cheek . She looked like any other auntie you might see at the pasar basah . Her teeth were perfectly ordinary . She was dead . Teeth ! Of course there was nothing wrong with the teeth . Teeth was vampires . Pontianak didn 't pierce the neck with fangs . They didn 't drink your blood . The mak cik held her hands out to Ridzual , as if she was going to hug him , pet his hair . Her hands were small and delicate . The fingernails were long , curving and yellow - and blunt . The others came out of the bushes one by one . They were all little old ladies - little old Chinese ladies in those Chinese old lady clothes that looked like pajamas . All with long , blunt fingernails . All dead . His chest was a great flame of pain . He banged his hand against the side - mirror of a car and knew it would hurt later ( if there was a later ) , but it felt like nothing now . He couldn 't hear the baby anymore . A weight hit him in the back and he went down , sobbing . The fingernails dug into his side . Cold musty breath gusted on his ear . He was going to die . He was sorry for everything . The fingernails cut into his skin , raising welts , and he opened his mouth to scream . The next minute his mouth was full of earth and pebbles . Something had hit the creature on his back a full - body blow , the impact driving Ridzual 's face into the ground . The pontianak rolled off his back , ripping his T - shirt in the process . They must be fighting over him . There wasn 't enough of him to go around , even if they were small . Old ladies didn 't usually have much of an appetite , but pontianak were probably different . He had a second while they were distracted , but no more . He struggled to his feet , willing his limbs to move . The pontianak crowded around . Weirdly , they had lost all their eldritch horror : they looked like ordinary mak cik now . They were definitely talking like aunties , in indignant high - pitched Hokkien . Ridzual had one last chance . He didn 't understand everything that had just happened - in fact , it would be more accurate to say that he didn 't understand anything that had just happened . But she 'd saved his life , and not , it appeared , because she wanted to eat him herself . They couldn 't go to a kopitiam or mamak restaurant in their school uniforms , so they went to a nearby park . It was early , cool enough to walk . They didn 't talk much on the way . There were a couple of people in the park - an uncle and an auntie , walking in circles with serious intent looks on their faces . But the kids ' playground was empty and they settled down on the swings there . Ridzual broke the silence first . Dealing with the aunts had actually been less difficult than she had expected . They had told her off for not staying home and doing her homework , but it was a half - hearted telling off . The aunts knew they had forfeited the moral high ground by trying to eat her classmate . Ah Lee had listened without saying a word to their unconvinced lectures as they flew home . She felt guilty about it in the morning - she had said too much . The aunts had already known that they 'd overstepped the line , broken the rules by which they operated . The aunts seemed to feel equally ashamed , tiptoeing around her at breakfast . " Did you have to fight , or - I don 't know - something , " said Ridzual . Ah Lee could tell that he was already feeling foolish about having asked . " I mean - never mind . " " Not really people , " said Ah Lee . " Only their , you know , their usus all that . Their entrails . " She tapped her belly . " We don 't like all the other part . " " We don 't eat women , " said Ah Lee . " And we don 't eat people we know . That 's all . I don 't pick and choose , depending if I like your face or I don 't like your face so much . " " No ! " said Ah Lee . " It 's like I 'm the animal now . After I die I kind of became an animal . When I 'm hungry , when I eat , there 's no feeling . Afterwards maybe some feeling , I feel a bit bad . But that 's why we don 't simply just eat people . We process them first . My aunties like to make pepper soup . You know too thor t ' ng ? Pig stomach soup ? Like that , but not with pig stomach . " " One is my grandma and one is my great - grandma , " said Ah Lee . " The others are my aunties . But don 't you think it 's a bit weird if there 's so many vampire in a small town like this and they don 't know each other ? " " Anyway , don 't worry about my aunties . They won 't eat you , " said Ah Lee . " I told them already . And I won 't eat you . Never never . " " Thank you , " said Ah Lee . Now the next thing . " You don 't have to be friend with me anymore . I won 't be offended . I 'll understand . " " It was kind of worth it . " Ah Lee kept her eyes on the ground . She would be too shy to say it if she looked at Ridzual . " Ever since I became like this , I didn 't really have friends . It was a bit lonely . So it was nice having you . " Ah Lee had expected this answer , but she was still taken aback by how much it hurt to hear it . She had been sad about him enough , she told herself sternly . All the aunts had said that . Ridzual touched her hand . Ah Lee clenched it into a fist so he couldn 't take it , but then he tried to pry her fingers apart one by one . Of course it didn 't work . Ah Lee started giggling . " Ah , I give up , " said Ridzual , exasperated . " I 'm a moron to try to fight a pontianak . But look , ' I don 't want to be your friend ' doesn 't mean ' I don 't want to hang out with you ' . There can be another meaning . " Ridzual was looking at her with a kind of glow in his eyes . It was the way her mother and father used to look at her , back when she was alive , before all the bad things had happened - as if she was something special . Something precious . Ah Lee 's ex - boyfriend had never looked at her like that . Ridzual turned his face away , but he was too slow . Ah Lee already knew he was beaming . She reached out and took his hand , encountering less trouble than he had done . " Oh , there 's something else on top of the vampire mak cik and the human pig stomach soup ? " said Ridzual . " What more is there ? I have to fight a werewolf first before I can date you , is it ? " " No lah , there 's no such thing as werewolf , " said Ah Lee . " It 's a small thing only . But - ' vampire ' is OK . The other word , please don 't use . Is that OK ? " Sitting there with him in the park , Ah Lee told him . She had not told anyone else the story before . He didn 't let go of her hand . By the time her parents had suspected , it hadn 't been too late . That was the thing . The worst thing - worse than being dumped by the boy who 'd given her the baby , though that had felt terrible when it 'd happened . But it was nowhere near as bad as her parents ' carefully expressionless faces , as they had gone from day to day pretending nothing was happening . The day she fainted because she 'd thrown up all her breakfast and had hidden in her room and refused to eat - they hadn 't said anything . When she choked on her food because things tasted different now she was pregnant , they didn 't say anything . She stopped going to school . Her parents stopped talking to her . Her world contracted . And still she was sorry that the secret had to come out - the baby had to come out - and they would lose face . She wished she could be dying in some less embarrassing way . She could have drowned in a monsoon drain . She could have been run over by a car . After a while it stopped . Somebody took her parents away . Ah Lee regretted her silent fury . She missed them . Somebody was doing something pointless down there . She was bleeding . When she died someone was holding her hand . Not a mother or a father , with their enormous burden of expectation . Someone calmer , their hands softer , wrinklier - skinned . At the very last moment Ah Lee opened her eyes and saw her grandmother , waiting for her . Her hair whipped against her face , smelling of the mulch in a graveyard . Her nails were long and yellow . Her body was free . She got up on the bed and nothing hurt . She had lost all sense of the disgusting . She had bled so much that she would never flinch from blood again . She was made for tearing out kidneys , feasting on livers , pulling out strings of intestines . It would never again be her own blood that was spilt , her insides that were pulled inside out . She flew down the corridors of the hospital and there was no pain , or everything was pain , but it spun outwards , knocking people over , ripping heads off . Blood sprayed on the walls . People were screaming . " Enough ! Stop now ! " The voice was as familiar to her as her mother 's . She would have killed anyone else , but the voice brought her down . " No need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " No need for all this . Come , we are going somewhere else . Then you can lie down , rest first . You 'll feel nicer after that . " " Where are we going ? " said Ah Lee . Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper , scraping her throat . It was sore from the screaming . " Where 's Mummy and Daddy ? " " The baby 's gone , " said Ah Chor . It was the first time they met . " Don 't worry . We 'll look after you now . " " The baby , " she said . " The father . I didn 't purposely - at the start , I wasn 't thinking about all that . I just liked him . We were dating , and it just happened . When I found out I was pregnant , I didn 't know what to do . I was scared to tell anybody . And then , Mummy and Daddy - " " Can you tell them ? " she said . " Tell them it was an accident . I didn 't purposely - I just didn 't think . I didn 't think this would happen . Tell them I 'm sorry . " " Ah Ma already said there 's no need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " It 's not your fault . Your Mummy and Daddy should have looked after you . Ah Ma tried to teach your Mummy to bring up her children right , but there 's no need to be so strict . You are her daughter , whether you are good or naughty . Ah Ma should have explained . " When they had reached the stairwell at the end of the corridor , Ah Lee was already half - asleep . When they smashed through the glass and jumped out the window , seven floors up , she was sleeping . She didn 't feel the night wind on her skin , or see the starlight on the aunts ' faces . When she woke up she was a new person . She was dead , but she wasn 't alone . There was nothing to be scared of in this new life . With six aunts behind you , you can be anything . John Van Pelt says : April 18 , 2015 at 10 : 42 am Fantastic . Came here from Awitin Mo 's blog . So much wonder and humor , in the pain that is life . sage r . says : August 13 , 2015 at 6 : 28 pm A friend recommended this story . I enjoyed it a lot ! I feel your dialogue is great and your stories move well . I really liked the relationships between the aunties and Ah Lee . Strange Horizons - Spirits Abroad by Zen Cho says : October 22 , 2016 at 7 : 00 am [ … ] Zen Cho 's " The House of Aunts , " a newcomer to a small town falls in love with a taciturn loner at their new high school . As [ … ] Top 5 New - to - me Authors in 2016 | if the book will be too difficult says : December 6 , 2016 at 5 : 02 am [ … ] Zen Cho came up on my radar at the beginning of the year both for being a Malaysian sci - fi / fantasy writer and also because her novel , Sorcerer to the Crown , had just come out . Also check out her short story , House of Aunts . and delivered to you in 0 . 524 seconds using 34 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
The house stood back from the road in an orchard . In the orchard , monitor lizards the length of a man 's arm stalked the branches of rambutan trees like tigers on the hunt . Behind the house was an abandoned rubber tree plantation , so proliferant with monkeys and leeches and spirits that it might as well have been a forest . The first time she saw the boy across the classroom , Ah Lee knew she was in love because she tasted durian on her tongue . That was what happened - no poetry about it . She looked at a human boy one day and the creamy rank richness of durian filled her mouth . For a moment the ghost of its stench staggered on the edge of her teeth , and then it vanished . It was evening - Ah Lee had had to stay late at school for marching drills - and the aunts were already cooking dinner . The scent of fried liver came from the wok wielded by Aunty Girl . It smelt exquisite , but where before the smell of fried garlic would have filled her mouth with saliva , now it was the liver that made Ah Lee 's post - death nose sit up and take interest . It would have smelt even better raw . " I mean , " said Ah Lee . " When you eat the ginger , can you taste it ? Because I can 't . I can only taste people . Everything else got no taste . Like drinking water only . " Disapproval rose from the aunts and floated just above their heads like a mist . The aunts avoided discussing their undeceased state . It was felt to be an indelicate subject . It was like talking about your bowel movements , or other people 's adultery . " I finished it already , " said Ah Lee . " But why do you put in all the spices when you cook , then ? If it doesn 't make any difference ? " " Ah girl , " said Ah Ma , " you don 't talk like that , please . We are not animals . Even if we are not alive , we are still human . As long as we are human we will eat like civilised people , not dogs in the forest . If you want to know why , that is why . " " Enough , enough , " said Ah Chor . As the oldest of the aunts , she had the most authority . " No need to talk about this kind of thing . Ah Lee , come pick the roots off these tauge and don 't talk so much . " Ah Lee kept running into the wall of the aunts ' disapproval head first . They were a family who believed that there was a right way to do things , and consequently a right way to think . Ah Lee always seemed to be thinking wrong . She could see that as her caretakers the aunts had a right to determine where she went and what she did . But she objected to their attempts to change what she thought . After all , none of them had died before the age of fifty - five , while she was stuck at sixteen . This came after Sa Ee Poh had spent half an hour marvelling over her capacity for disagreement . In Sa Ee Poh 's day , girls did not answer back . They listened to their elders , did their homework , came top in class , bought the groceries , washed the floor , and had enough time left over to learn to play the guzheng and volunteer for charity . When Sa Ee Poh had been a girl , she had positively delighted in submission . But children these days … . " Why do you care so much about brands ? " said Ah Ma . " If you want clothes , Ah Ma can make clothes for you . Better than the clothes in the shop also . " So Ah Lee did not tell them about the boy . If the aunts could not handle her having thoughts , imagine how much worse they would be about her having feelings . Especially love - love , stealing into her life like a thief in the night , filling her dried out heart and plumping it out . Being a vampire was not so bad . It was like eating steak every day , but when steak was your favourite food in the world . It wasn 't anything like the books and movies , though . In books and movies it seemed quite romantic to be a vampire , but Ah Lee and her aunts were clearly the wrong sort of people for the ruffled shirt and velvet jacket style of vampirism . In fact Ah Lee 's life had become more boring post - death than it had been pre - , because at least when she was alive she had had friends . Now she just had aunts . She still went to school , but she was advised against fraternising with her schoolfellows for obvious reasons . " Anyway , what is friends ? " said the aunts . " Won 't last one . Only family will be there for you at the end of the day . " Yet here came this boy one fine day , and suddenly her ears and nostrils were cleared . Her head was blown open . The sayings of the aunts fluttered away in the wind and dissolved with nothing to hold on to . Love was like swallowing a cili padi whole . " I can 't remember whether today is my turn to clean the window or not . Sorry , you say what ah ? You think that guy looks very nice , is it ? " " I know , right , " said the classmate . This seemed an eccentric move to them both . Everyone had uncles and aunts , cousins , older brothers and sisters who lived in KL . Only grandparents stayed in Lubuk Udang . In three years , Ah Lee knew , none of the people sitting around her in the classroom would still be living there . Lubuk Udang was a place you moved away from when you were still young enough to have something to move for . Fresh surprises awaited . The first time the boy opened his mouth in class , a strong Western accent came out . It said , " I don 't know " in answer to the obvious question the Add Maths teacher had posed him , but it made even that confession of ignorance sound glamorous . Ridzual called natrium " sodium " and kalium " potassium " . For the duration of his first week at school he wore dazzlingly white hi - top leather sneakers instead of the whitewashed canvas shoes everyone else wore . The shoes didn 't last long - they were really too cool to be regulation . But it didn 't matter that Ridzual had to give them up to the discipline teacher a week after he had started . The aroma of leather hung around him forever after , even when he was only wearing Bata like the rest of the class . Ah Lee had never been in love but she took to it like a natural despite her lack of practice . She spun secret fantasies about him : the things they would say to each other , the adventures they would have . She would reel off dazzling one - liners ; he would gaze at her with intrigued longan seed eyes . She saw them sitting in a cafe unlike any kopitiam to be found in Lubuk Udang , with flowered wallpaper , tiny glossy mahogany tables , and brisk friendly waitresses who took your orders down in a little notebook and did not shout in the direction of the kitchen , " Milo O satu ! " They would sit together at a table , Ridzual 's curly head bent close to her smooth one . They would speak of serious things , but she would also make him laugh . Through this love she would be renewed , brilliant , special . However lurid her fantasies got , her imagination never stretched beyond conversation . You could not imagine kissing a boy when you were never more than a room 's width away from an aunt . Ah Lee 's favourite time to dream was in that precious space of quiet between getting in bed and falling asleep . She could construct a pretty good Parisian cafe as she lay underneath her Donald Duck blanket . But cafes were one thing : kisses were another . No kiss could survive Ji Ee 's snores from the mattress across the room . It was no big deal . There was time enough to imagine the later stages of her romance - after all , she had not even got to the overtures . Ah Lee came from a family that believed in being prepared . While staring at the back of Ridzual 's lovely head in class , she wove conversation openers , from the casual to the calculatedly cool . The aunts would have pulled it off if they had left everything to Ji Ee . In life Ji Ee had played the violin . She could have been a professional if her husband had not become envious and depressed , so that she had had to stop playing to keep him happy . She had not touched a violin since , but she still had the soul of an artist . It gave her sensibility . They were sitting on the step outside the kitchen door . Behind them came the hiss and clang of Ah Chor making human stomach soup with bucketloads of pepper and coriander . In front of them stood the orchard . " When you are young , you must focus , " said Ji Ee . " You must pay attention at school , study hard and become clever . When you are young , that is when you have the best chance . And you are young now , in this modern day , when women can do everything . Can be doctor , can be lawyer . You know none of us went to university . Your Ah Chor wasn 't allowed and when Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh were young , during the war , everything was too kelam - kabut . I wasn 't clever enough . Aunty Girl 's family couldn 't afford it , so she could only get a diploma . " But you , Ah Lee , you have all the opportunities . We have lived so long , we have saved enough money . Maybe if you study hard , if you get a scholarship , you could even go to England like my uncle the doctor , your Tua Tiao Kong . Your English is so good . You have a good chance . " Ah Lee was used to such pep talks . The aunts never scolded ; they did not believe in raising their voice . They only " told " . The benefits of only ever being told and not scolded were obvious , but the disadvantage of it was that while people only scolded when you had done something wrong , aunts got to tell all the time . " I know , Ji Ee , " Ah Lee said . " You all have told me before . " In her daydream Ridzual had been on the point of tucking her hair behind her ear . She was impatient to return to it . " You must not get distracted by anything , " said Ji Ee . " There will be time for other things when you are older . There is so much time ahead of you . Right now you must focus on your studies . Then we can tell all the neighbours about our clever girl . " She put her soft hand on Ah Lee 's arm and stroked it . Love came up the arm and melted Ah Lee 's thorny teenaged heart . When Ji Ee said , " Ah girl ! Who is this Malay boy ? What is he called already ? " She turned to Ah Ma . " Ri - Li - Liwat or what ? " Ah Ma did not know any dirty words , and could not have told you what sodomy was if you 'd asked her . She said unconcernedly , " Ridzwan , Ma . He is called Ridzwan . Isn 't that right , Ah Lee ? " Ah Lee was surfing the waves of outrage . She started to say , " You all read my diary ? " Then she clamped her mouth shut in fury . Of course they had . She could just picture Ji Ee and Aunty Girl reading it out , translating the English and Malay to Hokkien as they went along for the benefit of Ah Chor and Ah Ma and Sa Ee Poh , who could not read . The aunts ' conception of the right to privacy went far enough to allow you to close the toilet door when you were peeing , but no further . " Even if you think you will be so happy and the man is so good , you don 't know what can happen , " said Ah Chor . " Do you know or not , they can marry four wives ? Malay men … . " The laksa lady cannot even count as girlfriend , " sniffed Sa Ee Poh . " Remember how she threw a bowl of laksa in his face when he told her he wasn 't going to marry her . Even a laksa lady can put on airs like that . " " She asked him to pay for it some more ! " said Ah Ma . She realised they were enjoying reminiscing about her naughty brother 's adventures rather too much , and changed her face to look serious . " Ah Lee , this is what men are like . " " Only bad men , " said Ah Ma . " But when you are young you cannot tell whether a man is a good man or a bad man yet . You are too small . Now you must focus on your studies . Don 't think about this Ridzwan . " " This is what happens when you marry too young , " she told Ah Lee . " That Man didn 't even deserve to be called husband . I was only 19 when I had my third child , your Sa Ee Poh , and already he had a second wife . " " When I found out , I told him , if you don 't stop seeing her , I will take my children and go , " said Ah Chor . " He promised he wouldn 't see her again . But all along after that , little did I know he was going back and forth between me and that other woman ! My fourth child is the same age as her second child . He didn 't know how to feel shame ! Never mind my heart . At least if she didn 't have children nobody would know . But he didn 't even care enough to save my face . " " Ah Lee must know so she won 't make the same mistake , " said Ah Chor . " He didn 't even support the second wife properly , so she came to me asking for money . When I saw her with the baby , I packed up and brought all my children here . Don 't think this was your grandfather 's house ! He was rich before he lost it all in gambling , but this was my parents ' home . His creditors couldn 't touch this . All this was my land . If That Man came on it without my permission , I could call the police on him . " " Oh , he was my husband , after all , " said Ah Chor . " I didn 't let him live here . Only visit . I told him , you can come and stay for good only after you get rid of that woman . But he didn 't , so even after he asked and asked , I never went back to him . " It wasn 't easy , you know or not ? Raising eight children with no husband . Lucky my mother was there to help me . That 's why you cannot think about this kind of thing at your age - men , romance . It 's too early . " " He was a good husband . Men have their little ways . They have their likes and dislikes . As long as they are responsible , as long as they look after you and the children , there 's no harm in letting them have their way . " Ah Lee was less impressed by the wickedness of Sa Ee Poh 's husband . Sa Ee Poh was the only one who spoke about her husband with the complacency of someone who had asked more of love and always received it . But she still complained about her husband 's vegetarianism . " You think what ? I had to be vegetarian also ! " Sa Ee Poh retorted . " You think he cooked for himself ? I cooked for the two of us . Vegetarian a few times a year or for a few months , I don 't mind . Vegetarian all the time … for the rest of my life I never tasted garlic or onion ! " Ah Ma kept the story about her marriage for the right time . One night Ah Lee 's evening hunt had taken longer than usual , so she got home late and only managed to finish her Add Maths homework after 11 . She was feeling creaky - jointed and lonely as she got ready for bed in a house full of night sounds . The beam of light under Ah Ma 's door came as a pleasant surprise . Ah Lee climbed into bed to the soft melody of Ah Ma 's fussing : " Come under the blanket , you 'll get cold . Let Ah Ma feel your hands . Ah , see lah , so cold ! Next time you mustn 't go out until so late . Not good to work so late at night . Why don 't you want to eat dinner with us ? " " I did , Ah Ma , " Ah Lee protested . Now that she was under the blanket with Ah Ma 's bony arm around her and Ah Ma 's warm chest against her cheek , she felt drowsy , protected . " The guy had a motorbike . Didn 't know how to get rid of it . " " Yes . Flew out of town and dumped it in the middle of an oil palm plantation . No blood stains , and I took off the licence plate . " Ah Ma tsked . " So difficult , " she said . " Next time just eat with us . We all have hunted for you already . And we are older than you so we know which people are the nicest to eat . " They sat in silence for a while . Ah Lee half - shut her eyes to keep out the light from the lamp on the bedside table . Through the slits of her eyes she could see Ah Ma 's reading glasses and the container in which she kept her false teeth . The teeth floated in cloudy water , yellowed by coffee and blood . The cicadas screeched . The ceiling fan hummed to itself . The air was cool enough that the breeze it created was a pleasure rather than the necessity it usually was . Ah Lee forgot the persistent sense of irritation she had had since the aunts had found her diary , which had felt as if she had sand in her underwear . She was almost asleep when Ah Ma spoke . " Don 't know , " said Ah Lee . An expectant pause ensued . Ah Ma was waiting for a better attempt at an answer . " Er … you loved him ? " " Where got ? " said Ah Ma . " I was 16 , a little girl only . How to know what is love yet ? Ah Ma washed your backside when you were a baby . Now that is love . " " Don 't answer back to your elders , " said Ah Ma . " No , I married him because of the war . The Japanese soldiers used to come to everyone 's houses looking for young girls . So Ah Chor cut our hair and put us in our brothers ' clothes . It worked with Sa Ee Poh because she was younger and skinny , but you know when Ah Ma was young Ah Ma was so chubby - chubby . Even wearing boys ' clothes , I still looked like a girl . " When the soldiers came Ah Chor would tell us to run to the forest behind the house and hide there until the soldiers went away . So horrible ! Must lie in the mud . Cannot move even with mosquitoes biting your body . When I came back to the house my face looked like it had pimples all over it because of the mosquito bites , and my legs were covered with leeches . I had to sit down in the kitchen and Ah Chor would put salt on them , but you cannot take them off with your hand , you know ? Must wait until they drop off . Then when they came off , my legs would bleed everywhere . So horrible . " " One day some soldiers came without warning to our house . I was in the kitchen cutting ubi kayu . Those days we had nothing much to eat , only tapioca that we grew ourselves . There was no time to run out to the forest , so I just tried to make myself look small , bent my head over the chopping board . Your Ah Chor was so scared , she offered them all the food : do you want Nescafe , do you want biscuit , this lah , that lah . And she talked . Usually when the soldiers came we didn 't talk so much . Scared they think we asked questions because we were spies or what . But Ah Chor didn 't want them to look at me , so she kept talking . Did they like Malaya ? How was Japan like , not so hot ? Her Japanese was not so good but she used every word she knew . When she ran out of words she knew , she repeated everything she 'd already said . " But the soldiers kept looking over at me . I was so scared I cut my finger instead of the ubi and the blood went all over the tapioca . And I didn 't even make a sound . The soldiers drank coffee . They talked to Ah Chor , very friendly . Then they finally got up to go . Suddenly their captain turned around and pointed at me . He said , " All along they were looking at the ubi kayu on the shelf above my head ! We gave them all the ubi we harvested from our own plants , even though we went hungry for the next few days . Your great - grandfather said Ah Chor should have given me away instead . " " Men cannot stand having empty stomachs , " said Ah Ma . " After that your great - grandparents were very anxious to see me married . When your Ah Kong came to lodge with us he was already quite old - 38 years old - and we only knew him a few weeks before he asked to marry me . But he was a teacher and an educated man and the Japanese respected him , so my mother and father said yes . " A hush . Ah Lee said into it , " He wasn 't so bad , was he ? " She remembered her grandfather as a benign figure , distant , but kindly enough when he was reminded of your existence . " Your Ah Kong was a good father , " said Ah Ma . " All his students at his school looked up to him . Even the Japanese could see that he had a good character . And he knew how to be polite . He never said a bad word to me . " But when a girl marries so young , to someone so much older … and he was educated , and I couldn 't even read . I could hold a pen but I could only draw pictures with it . Ah girl , you must never tell anybody this . But your Ah Kong did not respect me . Without love you can live a happy life . Love is something that will come after you live together with your husband , after you have children together . But a woman should not marry where there is no respect . Respect is the most important thing . When she was a child Ah Lee had often wondered whether adults could read her mind . They seemed to have an uncanny ability to tell what she was thinking at any given moment . Ah Ma evinced this telepathy now : " Ah , you 're angry already , " she said . " Don 't think so much . Listen to Ah Ma and do what you 're told . Now give me a kiss and go to bed . " It was because of Thursdays . Ji Ee and Aunty Girl were the only two of the aunts who could drive , so it was their job to pick Ah Lee up from school . But they had line dancing every Thursday and so they were an hour late . Ah Lee usually waited for them in the canteen , doing homework if she felt like it and daydreaming if she didn 't . In the middle of the day there weren 't many people around , and it was pleasant , even quiet . It smelled of grease , heated metal from the car park , and the freshly - washed flesh of the afternoon session kids waiting for school to start . " Your name is Eng Ah Lee ? Don 't worry , I 'm not a stalker . I know ' cos I was checking out all our team members in class . I 'm using this project as an exercise to get to know people . My name 's Ridzual , I 'm new . So what do you think of early civilisations ? I don 't know shit about them . " Despite her many fantasies , Ah Lee had not seriously considered ever actually talking to Ridzual . She waited for her throat to close and her muscles to freeze . But she found herself speaking naturally , as if to a friend whom she had known forever . " Hah ! Don 't even say that , " said Ridzual . " No , that 's true . At least with Tamadun Awal maybe we can dress up like Ancient Egyptians or something . I think I 'd look good in eyeliner . " " Nanti kena rotan by the discipline teacher then you know , " said Ah Lee . " You know Puan Aminah doesn 't even let us wear coloured watches . Must be black , plain black strap . " She showed him the watch she was wearing . " Metal watch also cannot . Too gaya konon . " " Wah lau , " said Ridzual . He said it in a toneless accent Ah Lee found peculiarly charming . " I think that woman is just jealous . Like when she confiscated my shoes . She couldn 't stand looking at them , just got too jealous of my style . " It would have been obnoxious if he had been serious . But Ridzual wore a perpetual embarrassed smile , an uncertainty around the eyes , that made it obvious that the hot air was just joking . Ah Lee liked vulnerability in a human , and she warmed to this . " I never saw them again , " said Ridzual . " I think she 's wearing them now . Sometimes if you look closely you can see the white flash under the hem of her baju … . " Discipline teachers cannot stand me , " he said mournfully . " I remind them of what they can never achieve . At my last school there was one teacher like that . Encik Velu . He used to chase me around the school with a rotan . He said it 's because I ponteng or I made rude signs at the teacher or I kencing in the beaker or some garbage like that . But he couldn 't fool me . I knew it was because he wished he was like me when he was young , one million years ago . " " Only once , " said Ridzual modestly . " It was for science . I wanted to titrat it but the kimia teacher stop me before I can do it . " " Oh , that , " said Ridzual . It was his turn to look embarrassed . " That 's called a Bangsar accent . But don 't hold it against me . I 'm trying to be a Lubuk Udangite . A good prawn . " Ah Lee had not had a friend to spend break with since she 'd started at that school . She did not eat during break . It had seemed simpler to avoid the crowd at the canteen , and find some out - of - the - way spot on the school grounds where she could read . She had loved the chewy fried fish sticks in life . Now she was dead they tasted of nothing . She ate slowly and threw the remaining keropok away when break was over . She felt bad about the waste of it - heart - pain , the aunts would have said . Ah Lee 's upbringing had trained her to a mindful parsimoniousness , so that it did almost feel like a physical pain to see the fish sticks tumbling into the bin . " Er , Tua Kim , " said Ah Lee . " Um , don 't tell the others , OK or not ? Ah Chor and Ah Ma and all of them . Ah Ma will scold me for eating fried things . She 'll say I 'll get pimples . " " You need your own friends , " said Tua Kim . When Ah Lee peeked up she saw that Tua Kim 's face had not softened . She spoke almost sternly . It was not kindness in her face , but understanding . " You need your own thing , " said Tua Kim . " Something that 's nothing to do with your family . You feel this especially when you 're young , but even for old people it 's important . Some people don 't understand this kind of thing . So it 's better not to talk so much about it . " She wiped her hand on a dishcloth and started putting the clean dishes back in the cupboard . " I 'll put your snack in your backpack in the morning . Other people don 't need to see . " She had never thanked an aunt for anything before . It was understood that they would do things for her , that that was the way the world worked . She did not need to thank them any more than trees thanked the sun for shining or the earth thanked the clouds for rain . Ah Lee was not sure the aunts would have understood or even registered any attempt on her part to express gratitude for the many ways in which they cared for her . It made her feel funny to say the words - stripped , somehow . Skinless and shy . To say it was to contemplate a world in which the aunts did not look after her . Tua Kim only inclined her head slightly to show she had heard . She made no other response . That was one thing you could rely on Tua Kim for . She had a sense of the appropriateness of things . The next day at school Ah Lee opened her plastic container and almost felt normal , eating fried kidney nuggets as if she were any ordinary kid at school . Ridzual sneaked looks at the nuggets as he was eating his tomyam noodles . When he had finished his noodles , he said casually , " In this country we must accept other people 's customs , " said Ah Lee . " Not just tolerate , but respect . That is how to live together . " " Who 's greedy now ? " said Ah Lee . " One bowl of tomyam , how many otak - otak - tak cukup ke ? Your mother and father don 't feed you ? " " No ! " said Ah Lee a little too loudly . " Everything is Ridzual this , Ridzual that . You think that 's the only thing I think about , is it ? " " That 's right , " said Aunty Girl . " She doesn 't stop liking things so fast . Remember when she was small , she liked that English show , what was it called - " she switched to English for the title : " ' My Little Horsie ' . She had all those horse toys , with the long hair and the stars on the backside . She liked it for two years ! From four until six . " " Men are not like My Little Heh Bee , " said Ah Chor reprovingly . " There 's no problem with liking little heh bee for a long time . But Ah Chor has already told you , so many problems come if you like a man . " " Ma , " Ji Ee protested . " You let me have friends when I was Ah Lee 's age . There 's nothing wrong with boy friends - not sweethearts , not at this age , but boy friends are OK . That 's normal . " " We couldn 't , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Not you and me . Never mind sweethearts . Ma didn 't even allow us just to be friends with boys . " " When we were older we could get married , and everybody could come to our wedding , " she said . " There was nothing to hide . It 's not the same for you . " Ah Ma wants you to get married some day . Ah Ma wants you to graduate from university . Maybe you will never have children , but you can be a good scholar and have a good job . Other people will admire you . Your husband will respect you . " But for this to happen , people cannot know . You must be very careful . You have to go to school so you can study , but you must make sure people don 't remember you . No friends . Don 't talk too much to teachers . You remember we all told you this before you started school again . " Ah Lee remembered . She stared at her exercise book . Ridzual had written " what does any of it MEAN " at the bottom of the page . She had whited it out with liquid eraser , but the words showed through after the white fluid had dried . " Don 't do it suddenly , " said Ji Ee . " Slowly just become more distant . Don 't drop him immediately , but don 't need to talk to him so much . He will get the hint . " " Things will change in the future , " said Aunty Girl . " When you are older , at university , it 'll be easier to hide . You can have friends there . But this place is too small . Everybody knows everybody 's business . It 's better to keep to yourself . " " There 's no need to be so sad , girl , " said Sa Ee Poh . " Even if you hurt his feelings , he won 't remember you after a while . Young people recover very fast . " I will remember , thought Ah Lee . She did not want to cry because the aunts made such a fuss when you cried . She gulped and squeezed her pen and looked at Tua Kim . " Hah ! Very true , " said Aunty Girl . " When you get married , you won 't be the only bride who knows something the groom doesn 't know . Cousin Kah Hoe didn 't even know his wife was pregnant until she had the baby six months after the wedding . " How could you die and not be old enough to hear about premarital sex ? How could you die and still not be allowed to fall in love or be honest ? Surely not everything had to wait for university and a good job . Passion and truth had to trump even those things . It was a Thursday again , Ji Ee and Aunty Girl 's line dancing day , and Ah Lee and Ridzual were hanging around waiting for their respective rides home . They had found the perfect width of concrete ledge to sit on next to the monsoon drain outside their school . From here they had an unobstructed view of the road , and a big leafy flame - of - the - forest provided dappled shade . Once it was out she felt a great sense of relief . She knew she wanted to tell him . She was sick of keeping everything important to herself , hidden away from the piercing gaze of the aunts . Ah Lee started to feel worried . She had never seen Ridzual act like this before . Something seemed really wrong . Maybe something bad had happened at home . She got up and touched his shoulder . " It 's no big deal , " he said . " It 's nothing to you . There 's nothing wrong . I just like you , that 's all . That 's my big secret . Probably you know already , probably it is very obvious . You want you laugh lah . But it 's the first time I 've ever been in l - love , so sorry if I want to make a big fuss about it . " " It 's OK ! " he said . " Don 't say ! I know the answer . I 've embarrassed myself enough . Just out of the kindness of your heart , can you please don 't say anything ? " " For five minutes ! " said Ridzual . " In five minutes my dignity will return . Just leave me in peace to enjoy my misery for five minutes , OK ? " " Don 't need to be so drama , " she said . " You think this is Cantonese serial or what ? I had something to tell you too , remember ? " There was a pause in which Ridzual did not move or even show that he had heard . Then he rubbed his eyes . He rearranged his limbs , sat down on the ledge , and looked at her . " You don 't have to agree when I kutuk myself ! " said Ridzual . He gave her the sweetest half - smile . His eyes were red and his lashes were still wet . She found she could not do it . It was absurd . She had promised herself that she would tell him that she liked him , and not just as a friend . She liked him liked him . It had seemed so easy five minutes ago . It ought to be even easier now . She had only to say , " I like you back . " But what if Ridzual didn 't believe her ? What if he thought she was just saying it to comfort him ? What if , once she said it , he revealed that he had just been joking about liking her ? Could she stand to give so much of herself away ? " That 's why you can 't share my nuggets , " Ah Lee said wildly . " They 're not not - halal because they 're made of pork . They 're not halal because they 're made of human . " At first Ridzual looked as if he might believe her . He looked at her for a long time , his mouth grim . His eyebrows knitted , his mouth twisted - then his face cleared and he laughed . " You 're such a freak , " said Ridzual . " You 're the weirdest person I know . Is that how you always try to change the subject in an awkward situation ? " Scuse me , sir , your fly is undone . But don 't worry about it , I 'm a werewolf ! ' " Ah Lee should have been relieved , or maybe touched , or any one of a number of benign emotions . Instead she felt vexed . You told someone the biggest secret you had and they didn 't even take you seriously ! What was she thinking ? she asked herself later . She knew that love was supposed to make you act funny , but she did not know that it could actually deprive you of all common sense . Or kindness . It was not kind to show that to a human . What Ridzual saw was a cold grey face , a face incontrovertibly dead . The features were Ah Lee 's own everyday features , but the skin did not have the comforting human glow - the flush in the cheek , the sweat on the upper lip . The texture of it was such that it did not even look like skin . Her face looked like it was made out of plastic . The long black hair hung around the face lankly . The eyes were white . When her mouth opened , a musty inorganic smell gusted out . The tongue was bright red , the colour of fresh arterial blood , and it was too long . She watched him run down the road , his limbs flailing and growing smaller . When he reached the junction at the end of the road , he stopped and doubled over . He would be bathed in sweat - the sun was unforgiving today , and Ridzual always skipped PE classes . He paused and Ah Lee could almost see him wonder whether he should scrape up his dignity and come back to the forgiving shade , or keep jogging and probably have sunstroke . But then it was an agony to be sitting alone . It took so long to chew each nugget when she wasn 't using her mouth for talking . She caught glimpses of Ridzual through the crowd , queueing up for his tomyam and awkwardly not looking at anyone because he didn 't have any friends except her . The nuggets tasted like paper . It was as if she was eating human food . After that she avoided the canteen . Behind one of the school blocks there was a narrow channel that ran between the building and the wall that surrounded the school grounds . It had become a repository for unwanted things : buckets of dried paint were lined up along the wall , and broken old furniture came here to die . Ah Lee fit right in . Here she could sit and read in peace , just as she had done before she 'd ever become friends with Ridzual . " Sorry lah , " said Ridzual in a mild complaining tone . He rubbed his jaw . " What is this , WWF ? Man , you have a strong right hook . " Ridzual looked around for a chair , but failed to locate one . In a government school chairs only got rejected from classroom duty for a real fault , such as having a hole in the middle of the seat , or being in several pieces . He sat down on the ground instead . " I didn 't even know such things were real , " he whispered . He did not look up at her . " How did you become a - a - " ' Vampire ' was safe . ' Vampire ' was like Dracula , like goofy old black and white films , like pale ang moh boys who swooned over long - haired girls . Vampire was funny , or sexy , depending on which movie you watched . Ridzual had a boyish disregard for subtextual cues . He did not seem to notice how wound up Ah Lee was . He said , softly , as if he were speaking to himself , " I 've really never liked anyone as much as I like you , " said Ridzual . " In my life . Not even as a , a girl . I 've never even had a friend I liked as much as you . " When I 'm with you I feel like life is exciting . Like everything has an interesting secret behind it , like nothing is normal or boring . That 's how you make me feel . Not even by doing anything . Just when I 'm hanging out with you . " " Who you think you 're talking to ? " said Ah Lee . " There is no Ah Lee the vampire and Ah Lee your friend - the girl who use to be your friend . I am just one person . If you make not a vampire anymore , doesn 't mean we can be - be dating . If you make me not a vampire anymore , means there is no me anymore . You understand ? " When she took off her shoes at the front door the air hit her nose , crowded with homey smells : coriander and hong yu and the stale scent of clean blankets . The balloon popped . Ah Lee drew in a huge breath and expelled it as a sob . " Ah , that 's it , late ! " said Ah Chor sternly . " Always late ! What 's the use of all this line - dancing ? Now you are late to pick Ah Lee up and you have made her cry . " " Ah girl , don 't cry , " said Ji Ee . " Ji Ee won 't be late anymore . We don 't need to go dancing . Ah , so old already , we won 't miss it ! " " I never believed in all this dancing thing , " said Ah Chor . " In my time girls didn 't put themselves up there on the stage for people to look at it . It 's not so nice . " " Ma , their dancing is not like cabaret , " said Sa Ee Poh . " It is exercise , like taichi or aerobic . Anyway the girls are so big already . Why not let them do it ? " Tua Kim was the only one who had stayed in the kitchen when Ah Lee started crying . Now the sound of the tap running stopped and she came into the room , wiping her hands on a rag . A momentary lull had fallen as the aunts waited for Ah Lee to reply , so everyone heard Tua Kim when she spoke , even though her voice was as quiet as it always was . In the hush , Tua Kim sat down on the sofa next to Ah Lee and put her arm around her . The aunts were not from a generation that hugged . Tua Kim did it in a detached , almost a clinical way . In the same way the aunts had picked Ah Lee up and carried her when she was too exhausted to walk , those first few hours after she died . Ah Lee went to bed feeling pleasantly hollow and tired from crying so much . Her eyes were red and the skin around her nostrils was rough , but she felt clean and quiet inside . Aunt after aunt came into her room on some pretext , to lay their soft wrinkled hands on her head and make sure her blanket was tucked around her properly . She slept like the virtuous dead , dreamless and innocent . It would start hurting again soon . The sense of invulnerability wouldn 't last forever . The aunts would stop spoiling her and start chiding her for still being upset about it . But some day she 'd stop being upset , stop missing Ridzual at all , and when she was done with school she would go to university far away from Lubuk Udang , and maybe there she 'd meet someone nicer than Ridzual . She got up and walked through the silent dark house , wondering . There was no one in the kitchen . The living room was empty . It was six thirty , past the hour when Sa Ee Poh 's favourite Cantonese serial would have begun - and yet the house was auntless . They must have gone out hunting , though it was late for that . Ah Lee herself preferred to hunt at night , under the cover of darkness , but the aunts did not even think you should laugh loudly before going to bed , or it would give you nightmares . Hunting was considered far too stimulating an activity to engage in so close to bedtime . They preferred to hunt in the afternoon , when the household chores were done and the humans were dozy . It was strange that they had all gone out at the same time . Even on the rare occasion that the aunts went out hunting in a body , one of them usually stayed at home - often Tua Kim , because Tua Kim disliked the mess and exertion of hunting . Somebody had to make sure Ah Lee had fed herself and did her homework . Somebody had to look after her . Most of the time Ah Lee was a girl . Her body and her mind were more used to it . Being in vampire mode made her uncomfortable . She avoided it as much as she could . Her whole self relaxed . Her body became a weapon : smells grew sharp , her vision cleared . Ordinary thoughts were big vague clouds , too complicated and light to bother about , and through the clouds thrust the one vital thing , red and pulsing like a fresh bruise - hunger . Hovering above Lubuk Udang , she became invisible . The dying sunlight shone through her bones . The scents of the town floated up to her : a woman 's jasmine - scented hair , the stink of the underarms of a tired hawker stallholder , the smell of someone 's earwax . Anything else , anything not human , smelt pale in comparison , like water , but she could distinguish those scents if she concentrated hard enough , pulling them up from beneath the textured smells of humans . The aunts would smell of nothing . But she knew Ridzual 's scent . She sorted through the scents coming to her on the wind ; his wasn 't there . It might be too late already . How long had it been since they 'd left ? And once Ridzual was meat she wouldn 't be able to find him - he wouldn 't smell of himself anymore . He would just smell of food . The sky was going grey and the sunlight was fading when Ridzual left school . His dad would be busy getting dinner ready and his mom was outstation , so he 'd told his dad he would cycle home . It would take half an hour , but the air was soft and humid in the evening , cool enough to cycle . He hated koku , but he 'd stayed for the extra few hours of marching in his Scouts uniform , sweating under the blistering sun in a desperate attempt to fit in . It was probably worth it . If he didn 't go , he would probably fit in even less , whereas at least now people knew who he was . Last week one guy had even thwacked him on the back in a friendly way , yelling , " Oi ! What 's up , Mohsein ? " But Ridzual had never been the kind of guy who attracted that response from his fellow guys , and he was OK with that . He flew under the radar enough that he 'd never been bullied . People let him do his own thing , and that was all he wanted . He hadn 't even really noticed not having friends . In KL he 'd hung out with his cousins , who were used to him being the weird one and didn 't hold it against him , and here in Lubuk Udang there was Ah Lee . His brain had successfully been avoiding the subject of her for all of ten minutes , but now it slid back down the old path . He kept forgetting and thinking of her as his friend , as the girl he 'd fallen in love with . And if you thought of her as a human being , it was horrific what he had done to her . He had been a prize asshole , an unmitigated jerk . But before he could begin beating himself up for messing up the best thing that had ever happened to him , he 'd remember that face she 'd turned to him . And that made him not know how to feel again . That face had not been human . Kindness wasn 't a thing that lived in the same world as that face . He had to stop thinking about this . There was nothing he could do about it . Maybe she wasn 't a vampire . Maybe she was deluded and he 'd been hallucinating . Or maybe she was a vampire , but she wouldn 't kill and eat him as long as he left her alone . She knew he wouldn 't tell anyone . Who could he tell ? Who believed in vampires anyway ? " Stupid , " said Ridzual aloud . The word wasn 't ' vampire ' . ' Vampire ' wasn 't scary enough to describe the thing he 'd seen . It was like calling a toyol a pixie . The problem with Ridzual was that he was a city boy . He 'd grown up watching Japanese superhero TV shows and reading Archie comics . He hadn 't really known his grandparents - they 'd died when he was too little to hold conversations , much less be told scary stories . He didn 't recognise the scent that sprang out of the evening then , though he registered it as something floral . It reminded him of Ah Lee : it smelled of her . It was funny that it had never occurred to him that Ah Lee might use perfume . He 'd cycled on a little further when he heard the baby crying . A long wail , followed by a piteous sob - sob - sob that pierced the heart . It was startling how close it was - practically next to his ear . He braked by the side of the road and got off his bike . It was an odd place for a baby to be . He was standing on the edge of a car park . Across the road was a row of shoplots , their signs still lit up , but the entrances were a line of closed grey faces . The car park was an expanse of orange earth , dusty and crumbling and covered with weeds . It was fenced with rusting wire , and shrubs ran along its periphery . There weren 't many cars parked there , and the booth at the entrance was dark . He 'd read about baby - dumping in the newspapers . But you never thought you 'd encounter such things yourself . And not in such a place as this , surely - a nice small town ? This wasn 't KL . Who would dump a baby ? said a voice in Ridzual 's head . Someone young , who wasn 't supposed to be doing anything that would lead to a baby in the first place . Someone scared . The baby would be somewhere in there , probably . But he couldn 't seem to work out where . The farther he walked in what he thought was the direction of the sound , the softer the baby 's cries got . It was getting darker . The world was a pale purply - blue , and the moon showed clear in the sky . The car park was full of dark shapes - empty cars , rustling bushes . The cicadas were screaming their heads off , and the baby was getting so soft he could hardly hear it through the insects - but it was still crying , a long drawn - out wail , trailing off in a hopeless series of hiccups . He found something behind the next bush . It wasn 't a baby , though . It was an old lady , lying crumpled on the ground in a pathetic heap of batik and grey hair . " Shit , " said Ridzual without thinking . He bent down and reached out to touch the lady 's shoulder : " Sorry , mak cik . Are you OK ? " The face the mak cik turned to him was a normal mak cik face . She was a Chinese lady with fluffy white hair and a mole on her left cheek . She looked like any other auntie you might see at the pasar basah . Her teeth were perfectly ordinary . She was dead . Teeth ! Of course there was nothing wrong with the teeth . Teeth was vampires . Pontianak didn 't pierce the neck with fangs . They didn 't drink your blood . The mak cik held her hands out to Ridzual , as if she was going to hug him , pet his hair . Her hands were small and delicate . The fingernails were long , curving and yellow - and blunt . The others came out of the bushes one by one . They were all little old ladies - little old Chinese ladies in those Chinese old lady clothes that looked like pajamas . All with long , blunt fingernails . All dead . His chest was a great flame of pain . He banged his hand against the side - mirror of a car and knew it would hurt later ( if there was a later ) , but it felt like nothing now . He couldn 't hear the baby anymore . A weight hit him in the back and he went down , sobbing . The fingernails dug into his side . Cold musty breath gusted on his ear . He was going to die . He was sorry for everything . The fingernails cut into his skin , raising welts , and he opened his mouth to scream . The next minute his mouth was full of earth and pebbles . Something had hit the creature on his back a full - body blow , the impact driving Ridzual 's face into the ground . The pontianak rolled off his back , ripping his T - shirt in the process . They must be fighting over him . There wasn 't enough of him to go around , even if they were small . Old ladies didn 't usually have much of an appetite , but pontianak were probably different . He had a second while they were distracted , but no more . He struggled to his feet , willing his limbs to move . The pontianak crowded around . Weirdly , they had lost all their eldritch horror : they looked like ordinary mak cik now . They were definitely talking like aunties , in indignant high - pitched Hokkien . Ridzual had one last chance . He didn 't understand everything that had just happened - in fact , it would be more accurate to say that he didn 't understand anything that had just happened . But she 'd saved his life , and not , it appeared , because she wanted to eat him herself . They couldn 't go to a kopitiam or mamak restaurant in their school uniforms , so they went to a nearby park . It was early , cool enough to walk . They didn 't talk much on the way . There were a couple of people in the park - an uncle and an auntie , walking in circles with serious intent looks on their faces . But the kids ' playground was empty and they settled down on the swings there . Ridzual broke the silence first . Dealing with the aunts had actually been less difficult than she had expected . They had told her off for not staying home and doing her homework , but it was a half - hearted telling off . The aunts knew they had forfeited the moral high ground by trying to eat her classmate . Ah Lee had listened without saying a word to their unconvinced lectures as they flew home . She felt guilty about it in the morning - she had said too much . The aunts had already known that they 'd overstepped the line , broken the rules by which they operated . The aunts seemed to feel equally ashamed , tiptoeing around her at breakfast . " Did you have to fight , or - I don 't know - something , " said Ridzual . Ah Lee could tell that he was already feeling foolish about having asked . " I mean - never mind . " " Not really people , " said Ah Lee . " Only their , you know , their usus all that . Their entrails . " She tapped her belly . " We don 't like all the other part . " " We don 't eat women , " said Ah Lee . " And we don 't eat people we know . That 's all . I don 't pick and choose , depending if I like your face or I don 't like your face so much . " " No ! " said Ah Lee . " It 's like I 'm the animal now . After I die I kind of became an animal . When I 'm hungry , when I eat , there 's no feeling . Afterwards maybe some feeling , I feel a bit bad . But that 's why we don 't simply just eat people . We process them first . My aunties like to make pepper soup . You know too thor t ' ng ? Pig stomach soup ? Like that , but not with pig stomach . " " One is my grandma and one is my great - grandma , " said Ah Lee . " The others are my aunties . But don 't you think it 's a bit weird if there 's so many vampire in a small town like this and they don 't know each other ? " " Anyway , don 't worry about my aunties . They won 't eat you , " said Ah Lee . " I told them already . And I won 't eat you . Never never . " " Thank you , " said Ah Lee . Now the next thing . " You don 't have to be friend with me anymore . I won 't be offended . I 'll understand . " " It was kind of worth it . " Ah Lee kept her eyes on the ground . She would be too shy to say it if she looked at Ridzual . " Ever since I became like this , I didn 't really have friends . It was a bit lonely . So it was nice having you . " Ah Lee had expected this answer , but she was still taken aback by how much it hurt to hear it . She had been sad about him enough , she told herself sternly . All the aunts had said that . Ridzual touched her hand . Ah Lee clenched it into a fist so he couldn 't take it , but then he tried to pry her fingers apart one by one . Of course it didn 't work . Ah Lee started giggling . " Ah , I give up , " said Ridzual , exasperated . " I 'm a moron to try to fight a pontianak . But look , ' I don 't want to be your friend ' doesn 't mean ' I don 't want to hang out with you ' . There can be another meaning . " Ridzual was looking at her with a kind of glow in his eyes . It was the way her mother and father used to look at her , back when she was alive , before all the bad things had happened - as if she was something special . Something precious . Ah Lee 's ex - boyfriend had never looked at her like that . Ridzual turned his face away , but he was too slow . Ah Lee already knew he was beaming . She reached out and took his hand , encountering less trouble than he had done . " Oh , there 's something else on top of the vampire mak cik and the human pig stomach soup ? " said Ridzual . " What more is there ? I have to fight a werewolf first before I can date you , is it ? " " No lah , there 's no such thing as werewolf , " said Ah Lee . " It 's a small thing only . But - ' vampire ' is OK . The other word , please don 't use . Is that OK ? " Sitting there with him in the park , Ah Lee told him . She had not told anyone else the story before . He didn 't let go of her hand . By the time her parents had suspected , it hadn 't been too late . That was the thing . The worst thing - worse than being dumped by the boy who 'd given her the baby , though that had felt terrible when it 'd happened . But it was nowhere near as bad as her parents ' carefully expressionless faces , as they had gone from day to day pretending nothing was happening . The day she fainted because she 'd thrown up all her breakfast and had hidden in her room and refused to eat - they hadn 't said anything . When she choked on her food because things tasted different now she was pregnant , they didn 't say anything . She stopped going to school . Her parents stopped talking to her . Her world contracted . And still she was sorry that the secret had to come out - the baby had to come out - and they would lose face . She wished she could be dying in some less embarrassing way . She could have drowned in a monsoon drain . She could have been run over by a car . After a while it stopped . Somebody took her parents away . Ah Lee regretted her silent fury . She missed them . Somebody was doing something pointless down there . She was bleeding . When she died someone was holding her hand . Not a mother or a father , with their enormous burden of expectation . Someone calmer , their hands softer , wrinklier - skinned . At the very last moment Ah Lee opened her eyes and saw her grandmother , waiting for her . Her hair whipped against her face , smelling of the mulch in a graveyard . Her nails were long and yellow . Her body was free . She got up on the bed and nothing hurt . She had lost all sense of the disgusting . She had bled so much that she would never flinch from blood again . She was made for tearing out kidneys , feasting on livers , pulling out strings of intestines . It would never again be her own blood that was spilt , her insides that were pulled inside out . She flew down the corridors of the hospital and there was no pain , or everything was pain , but it spun outwards , knocking people over , ripping heads off . Blood sprayed on the walls . People were screaming . " Enough ! Stop now ! " The voice was as familiar to her as her mother 's . She would have killed anyone else , but the voice brought her down . " No need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " No need for all this . Come , we are going somewhere else . Then you can lie down , rest first . You 'll feel nicer after that . " " Where are we going ? " said Ah Lee . Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper , scraping her throat . It was sore from the screaming . " Where 's Mummy and Daddy ? " " The baby 's gone , " said Ah Chor . It was the first time they met . " Don 't worry . We 'll look after you now . " " The baby , " she said . " The father . I didn 't purposely - at the start , I wasn 't thinking about all that . I just liked him . We were dating , and it just happened . When I found out I was pregnant , I didn 't know what to do . I was scared to tell anybody . And then , Mummy and Daddy - " " Can you tell them ? " she said . " Tell them it was an accident . I didn 't purposely - I just didn 't think . I didn 't think this would happen . Tell them I 'm sorry . " " Ah Ma already said there 's no need to cry , " said Ah Ma . " It 's not your fault . Your Mummy and Daddy should have looked after you . Ah Ma tried to teach your Mummy to bring up her children right , but there 's no need to be so strict . You are her daughter , whether you are good or naughty . Ah Ma should have explained . " When they had reached the stairwell at the end of the corridor , Ah Lee was already half - asleep . When they smashed through the glass and jumped out the window , seven floors up , she was sleeping . She didn 't feel the night wind on her skin , or see the starlight on the aunts ' faces . When she woke up she was a new person . She was dead , but she wasn 't alone . There was nothing to be scared of in this new life . With six aunts behind you , you can be anything . John Van Pelt says : April 18 , 2015 at 10 : 42 am Fantastic . Came here from Awitin Mo 's blog . So much wonder and humor , in the pain that is life . sage r . says : August 13 , 2015 at 6 : 28 pm A friend recommended this story . I enjoyed it a lot ! I feel your dialogue is great and your stories move well . I really liked the relationships between the aunties and Ah Lee . Strange Horizons - Spirits Abroad by Zen Cho says : October 22 , 2016 at 7 : 00 am [ … ] Zen Cho 's " The House of Aunts , " a newcomer to a small town falls in love with a taciturn loner at their new high school . As [ … ] Top 5 New - to - me Authors in 2016 | if the book will be too difficult says : December 6 , 2016 at 5 : 02 am [ … ] Zen Cho came up on my radar at the beginning of the year both for being a Malaysian sci - fi / fantasy writer and also because her novel , Sorcerer to the Crown , had just come out . Also check out her short story , House of Aunts . and delivered to you in 0 . 650 seconds using 35 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
Posted on December 19 , 2014 by Reb Can I encourage you that in the busy - ness of our days and in all our preparations and celebrations that we still take time to stop for the one . To take a moment to see if the smile from the shop assistant is only on their mouths and not in their eyes , that the person we talk on the phone to who says their ' fine ' really are fine ? God wants to use us . All He looks for is a willing vessel , no matter how inadequate we feel . I was rushing about trying to get our food shop done and banking and other menial but needed tasks . I usually go to the same checkout lady every week if I can , we have lovely chats and over the last few years we have been getting to know one another ( well as much as one can at a checkout ) . However , when I arrived at the checkouts she had a huge line and the lady next to her only had one person , so I opted for the quicker option as I had my three boys with me , and everyone knows how wonderful it is to shop with three energetic boys in tow ; - ) . I began to unpack my shopping and noticed that the lady had a bandage on her left hand and that she was unable to lift anything with it ( which you can imagine would make it difficult to pack shopping into bags ) . I asked her if it was very painful and what she had done to it . She was unsure what had happened but said that it happened a few days ago and she had taken a couple of days off work but couldn 't afford to take any more . I felt prompted to pray for her . So I did , in my head . But I felt prompted to tell her I could pray for her . She is from a different culture and religious background than myself and I was a little worried I would scare or offend her but knew that God was impressing on me to tell her that He heals . So I asked her if I could pray for her to my God because He is a healing God and she said yes . I thought great , she knows I will pray and she 'll remember when the pain goes away it was Jesus who healed her . So I prayed again in my mind . But again , I was prompted that I should lay hands on her and pray out loud . This happens to me often but hadn 't happened in a while . I said to God , ' ok , if you want me to lay hands on her , you have to make it not so busy so she won 't get in trouble or worry about the customers in line ' . It was very busy and people were lining up at every available checkout , even the ones either side of us , but no - one was lining up at ours ! ! So I said quickly , ' Let me pray for you now . Can I touch your hurting hand ? ' She said yes though looked a little startled . All I said was " God I know you are a healing God and you are a good God . So right now we speak to this hand and say be healed now in the name of Jesus " I had no sooner prayed for her and people began lining up at the checkout . She kept staring at me and rubbing her hand and I paid for my shopping and she had to get on with the other customers . I could feel the presence of God and I asked her if she was ok and she said her hand was all warm . This was all she got to say before the next customer began talking to her . As an aside , I had immense pain shooting through my ear and head and had it for the last day before I prayed for the lady at the checkout . After I prayed for her the pain was gone . I still feel like my ears are blocked but the pain is no longer there . I hope this encourages you to step out believing that God will do what he says he will do . Posted on November 26 , 2014 by Reb A few months back we were in the middle of worship at our night service , and we started declaring God 's promises and singing of His love . He was tangibly present and I began to see in my minds eye these boys with snapbacks , I couldn 't see their faces , coming in from the street drawn in by Him ( definitely not by the music , as I was playing guitar ; - ) ) . Well I opened my eyes and we began to pray them in and you wouldn 't believe it , but standing at the doorway were these 5 young fellas . They were just staring at us . They walked away , but a few minutes later they came again to the doorway , peering in . We smiled and invited them in but they made some excuse they had to leave . That was the last we saw of them … that night . I felt it wasn 't the end of us seeing them , and knew we should keep praying for them even though we did not know their names . These are the ones that we know Jesus loves . The ones He calls in . The ones He goes and finds . It wasn 't until a couple of months ago that we saw the same boys again . We were already having a crazy night . On our bus run to pick up our regular mob , we stopped at one girl 's house and all her sisters and cousins were in town so they hopped on . The night was messy and great . We were nearing the end , when Ben my husband who was in the hall next to us ushered in these 4 boys . They came in boisterous and ready to disturb , but they volunteered for a game and we got them involved straight away . 4 weeks ago they hailed down our bus on our way around . They wanted to come to youth . They came and joined in . The next week they were there again , but they brought a different boy with them who just wanted to cause trouble , so not long in they left . The following week , the ringleader and one other small boy came without the others . I had a feeling that God was working on their hearts and they were keen to respond . Sure as anything , when the gospel message was shared they were the quickest to raise their hands in response . They wanted to become a part of God 's family . We know it 's baby steps . There is a lot stacked against them . But I know our God is greater . I haven 't seen them again since that night yet , but I know that the seed is planted and that they said yes to Him . Please pray for these boys . And the others like them . Alice , like many small towns has a reputation for the young people just walking the streets and getting up to all sorts of mischief . We know that God can break the cycle and give them hope . I know the gospel is as relevant today as it has ever been . I know that smoke machines , and fancy music mean nothing when the presence of God is here . You could say it 's the context I am in , and that it won 't work in the big smoke , but I beg to differ . I have seen Him at work with my own eyes here and in the city . We don 't have much in the way of the fancy things that many say you ' need ' to reach this generation , but we have everything we need , because we have Him . Never stop believing that He can and will do what He has purposed , if we just say yes ! I lost a friend . She was 27 years old . She passed away on the 3rd of July 2014 . I wanted to write earlier , but couldn 't . It makes me so sad . My malpa wiru ( good friend ) . I met her just after we moved to Alice Springs . She had come in to Alice as she was quite sick and was having some tests done . She was married and had a small beautiful boy . They all turned up at church one day after getting on one of our church busses . She gave her life to Jesus and became a part of God 's family . She lived a long way away , but I saw her again and again over the next couple of years when she would come in from community mostly to visit the hospital . She would always be wearing a bandanna and had the most beautiful smile . Each time she came in I would get to know her a little better , but it wasn 't until about 4 months ago when she came in for her second last trip here that I got to know her a lot better . We would talk of her home , of her family and of her love for Jesus . She wanted to share her story , of how God had changed her life . I did not know at that time of how sick she really was or how much her life had changed . I thought that she had caught pneumonia and had just taken a while to recoup . I prayed with her often , and even shared her story at her request to a church we spoke at in Adelaide . She was really standing for her faith and it appeared she was getting physically stronger every day . She missed her family terribly and couldn 't wait to be discharged from hospital so she could return home . She went home , but it was a short lived visit . Within a couple of weeks she was back , with what was to be her last time . This time , the doctors said that this was it . They called the family in . Her mum stayed with her . She had visits from many friends and family . I would go in , often with another friend from church and we would sing together and pray and read the Bible . It was good practice for me to read from her Pitjantjatjara Bible . She would help me read the words , until she got too tired and breathless and then she would just listen . She urged me to share her story . She wanted people to know that Jesus was the true way . That He was real and how much her life had changed . One day when I was visiting , a lady was there that had known her for a long time . She was a remote nurse and had a lot to do with my friend 's care . I prayed with my friend as I did every time I visited and when we finished the nurse had tears in her eyes . She asked me if I could see her outside for a moment . When out there , she shared how my friend used to be very angry and volatile and an extremely difficult patient , but approximately 2 years ago , she began to see a change in her . Until now where she had seen a major change in her temperament and the way she dealt with people . She said she was certain it was due to my friend becoming a Christian . How wonderful it was to hear the testimony from this lady . She said she had first thought it was because she was being the best nurse , but she quickly realised that this was a profound change . She was not the only one to tell me this . I had a social worker pull me aside and tell me the same thing a few days later . They could not attribute it to anything else . When I talked to her later about it and she went all shy with me and asked how I found out , I explained it was because she was now shining Jesus so much , that it had changed her so much that even people who didn 't believe in Him could see the difference in her and had to declare it as nothing short of a miracle ( or at least something they couldn 't deny ) . We were praying for a miracle , but I know she was ready to go home to heaven . She liked me to read the verse about there being ( pika wiya ) no more pain , no more tears . She made me promise I would tell others of her hope in Jesus , of the life to come if we believe in Him , of how she changed . I promised I would . She wanted to write her story , but sadly she never got to finish . She began , but got too weak . Friends are hard to come by in this place , but she became my friend . We were from different worlds in some ways and yet we understood one another . The day she said ' I used to say you were my friend , but now I call you my sister ' I will treasure that for the rest of my life . I pray for her family . In particular her husband and young son . They are wonderful people and are grieving so much . I did not get to attend her funeral as I would have liked , my son was in hospital and I was with him . I have been holding back the grief of her loss until now as I would find it hard to cope with that and with all that was happening with my son . But it is time now . Time to share what she asked me to . Time to cry . Time to say goodbye . She was a strong lady in spirit and her body just couldn 't keep up . I don 't understand why God chooses to heal some people and not others . I don 't know why she couldn 't stay here on this earth , but I do know I will see her again . She is with her little girl who she lost when the girl was 1 year old . She missed her terribly . I know she is finally in no pain and having no more suffering . I know she would be singing the song she was given just before she passed away and her smile would be so big as she is in the arms of her saviour . I miss her . As I do the many friends we have lost since arriving here . For those of you who don 't know , our eldest son Elijah has been sick since at least the start of the year . He has had well days , well weeks even , but the cycle was getting smaller and he was getting sicker with every bout . At first we thought that he just had a bad run with some viruses as we live in a place where some pretty nasty viruses present . But when they kept coming and the fatigue was not lifting in between the times of sickness , and he lost his bubbly , cheeky self saying things to his brothers like " believe me you don 't want to be 10 , it 's just too tough " , we just knew we had to do something . So back in May we took Elijah to the doctors and explained what was going on . They ordered blood tests and it came back positive for Ross River Virus . At least , we thought , now we have an answer and he should improve over time . But that was not to be the case . For a week after the test , after much prayer , Elijah felt the best he had in a long time . He even commented " Mum , I think Jesus has healed me " . And that is what appeared to have happened . Until one night , he complained of a tummy ache and went to bed to the most violent vomiting we had seen yet . He was up for half the night and then ended up lying on the couch and fell asleep . He slept through the entire next day . Even with the other boys yelling and playing as normal in the house . I tried to rouse him a few times to get some fluids in him , but he didn 't know where he was and who I was . He couldn 't handle light . He had a temp . I was glad he was sleeping as I knew he needed it , but I was worried he was confused when he woke . Then in the evening a rash came out first on his face and then on the whole right side of his body . We had been holding off taking him to the hospital , as they usually send us home and say if they get worse bring them back blahblahblah … But once the rash came Ben carried him ( still sleeping ) to the car and took him to the hospital . And there Elijah stayed for 5 days . His eye became bright red , and he couldn 't handle any light . He looked grey and couldn 't walk . They thought at first it was maybe meningitis , but they ruled that out . Then the tests began . Multiple blood tests , specimen tests and a small skin biopsy . But nothing was showing up . We had so many people praying for us and our church family came and visited . Was a wonderful time for seeing the body at work , even if it was a terrible time in other ways . I kept expecting to call the virus card , as doctors do when there is no answer . But the doctors were amazing and thorough and for once in my life took me seriously . He got well enough to go home even though he still had a high temp and his eye was no better the rest of the symptoms had subsided . He had to wear an eye patch and his eye was not getting better , so when we took him back for his follow - up check he was seen by an eye doctor and diagnosed with uveitis . This is a common occurrence in people with an auto - immune disease which is where the doctors were heading with their testing . The doctors here had exhausted what they could do from here in Alice so we were sent to Adelaide to the Women 's and Children 's Hospital . There Elijah went through a series of tests and they ruled out so many things that had been suggested . After 10 days in hospital there , we had come up with no answers . However he had begun to gain weight again , which is great as he had lost about 8kgs since the start of the year . We could feel the prayers of our brothers and sisters in Christ and were so well supported with many visiting to sit , pray and chat ( not to mention bring chocolate and lollies - have I said thank you 🙂 ) . One family in particular , who have so may of their own struggles they are facing , were so beautiful in the way they ministered sacrificial love to us . They opened their home to the boys and Ben who had driven down from Alice so they could stay near us in the hospital . The family also offered for us to stay a few days down at their holiday home before we returned . This was a blessing and so much needed . It was the middle of winter , but we all went in the beach . What a healing place it is . I miss the beach so much even though I love our desert home . We had some lovely time with Ben 's mum and grandma as well . Which I know the boys will treasure forever . We always try to make the best out of a bad situation . We managed to have some great laughs and made some awesome memories . Since we have been back home , he has gained 2kgs and has had more energy than before . He had been generally well , though still feeling nauseous , and fatigued but not enough to slow him down as before . Until last night when Elijah once again began vomiting and high temp and today can 't leave the couch . He is definitely not as bad as he was before which is a plus but it is wearing to know that the battle isn 't over . We thank you for all who have , and will , pray as we continue down this journey . It continues to be a mystery . Our hope is in our God who is faithful and carries us through every circumstance . The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases ! Elijah 's eye is fully recovered and the eye doctor said yesterday that it has no scarring and so good that you can not even see that he had ever had it . We are so blessed to live in Australia . We have an amazing health system . Perspective . One of the main things I have gained since moving to Alice . We all look from one perspective or another , but I 'm talking about eternal perspective . If here , we lose sight of the eternal perspective , life can become quite depressing at times . Another friend of ours has passed away . My friend Mrs Bennett . She loved to sing and loved our Jesus . She loved her family and would provide for them however she could . She was always weaving baskets when I saw her at Topsy . She has left behind some wonderful friends who are missing her so much . Mrs Bennett was the first one to introduce our family to the ' Orange book ' . Although Mrs Bennett would more readily sing from the ýellow ' book ( Ngaanyatjarra ) , she was very happy to have the orange book which she brought out for us to sing . This is a Pitjantjatjara hymn book and is a wonderful treasure to our ladies . I have had the privilege of singing with the ladies on occasion some of the songs out of this book and the sound is at times heavenly . Our little boy Maku ( Zion ) when he heard it was near the time for her to go to be with Jesus was inconsolable . He wept and would not go see her . He didn 't want her to die . But he had a chat on the phone with her once he calmed down and the smile on her face was priceless . My oldest boy Elijah accompanied me in to the hospital to say goodbye to her and she held our hands so tightly . So happy to introduce us to her family who were by her bedside . She introduced Ben to everyone as her teacher . This greatly touched and humbled Ben . She sang nearly right up to the time she went to meet Jesus . They recorded her singing one last time . She was flying back home to Warakuna to see her family and say her goodbyes there but made it to 20mins out from home . Zion was also good for me in keeping my perspective . He cried and cried , but once he had he said she is with Jesus now and feeling all better . Today he drew a picture of her and him with a disco ball above them , because now she can dance . Just love this kid . He asks questions about her sickness and why she had to die , but he has such a natural conversation about it that death is just a part of life … Bless you all as you read this . My prayer for you all today is that you will be reminded of the eternal perspective and this will give you new vigour for life . To forgive more readily , live for others and not just ourselves , take risks , follow the call of God and live life to the full … for that is wha Last week , another friend of ours passed away . I remember one day when we had not long arrived and one of my friend 's mum just said ' you will know grief well around here ' . How true and sad that statement is . Once again , this man was close to little maku ( my youngest ) who prayed for him daily and wanted to go in to say goodbye before Mr Goodwin got to go and be with Jesus . Zion had a dream the night before Mr Goodwin passed away that the angel of death had come , which was interesting . Rupert knew the stories of the Bible very well and loved to share them , actually he just loved to share any kind of story . Especially stories about when he was a ranger . I 'll never forget the first time I went into his home in Indulkana and the first thing he wanted me to see was the picture of him as a much younger and handsome ( his words : - ) ) man standing with Uluru behind him . It was a fantastic shot and it had been used as an advertisement for tourism . He would talk all day with us if we had the time , and in particular my father and Ben spent countless hours with him having a great chat and prayer . Rupert had a tough life , but it was a story of survival from start to finish , and he never lost his sense of humour . Rupert was one of the first people we met when we arrived in Alice and was probably the quickest person to warm to us as a family apart from his sister , Sarah . ( She passed away last year and you can read about it here in earlier posts on this site also here ) . He had a love for Hawaiian shirts and cowboy hats with bright feathers . One day I will share the story of his sister rescuing him when he was a baby . He treasured his wife Yula and his children . He carried a photo of Yula around in his wallet and would show anyone he could and say and show how beautiful his wife was . She is a wonderful lady and is of course finding this time tough , she was with him when he passed and she had beautiful moments in his last couple of days to play songs they had treasured and just sit and chat with him . I am not sure of Rupert 's exact age , but I am pretty sure he is around my father 's age . It is pretty sobering to see renal failure take its toll on people . Although we will miss Mr Goodwin , we are glad that he had a relationship with Jesus Christ and so he is once again able to run around , and enjoy God 's creation in heaven . On earth , life was getting pretty tough , but now he is free and well and reunited with his sister . Please pray for his family at this time of sadness , and pray for those that don 't know the Father who loves them , that they will have an encounter with Him during this time . Thank you . For many of them , it was the first time they shared their testimonies . A few of them felt they didn 't really have much to share , but as they looked over their lives they realised that God had taken them all on a journey , and they could speak of God 's grace and faithfulness on their sometimes difficult and individual paths . As the week progressed , so did their confidence , and people were moved and the The testimonies were one highlight of an extremely hot and challenging week for the team . Another was their faith in action , doing some yard blitzes for those unable to do so themselves . This was a blessing to the families as they saw people who barely knew them working hard to make their lives easier . he ways some of the team ministered to us was when they took time for our children . In particular , Becky and Vanessa who gave up some of their ' free time ' to play with the boys and teach them sewing . Thanks ladies , this was beautiful . At the moment , He seems to be particularly interested in eyes . A couple of weeks ago , whilst praying with a lady from church at a connect group she had healing to her eyes . Hopefully you can read below … . And then , this Sunday we were just about to start our Sunday worship service and a lady who was singing who needs glasses to read any print , kept taking her glasses off and cleaning them because she couldn 't see the print properly , it was all foggy … after a couple of times she looked at the sheet without her glasses , and could see the words perfectly . She put her glasses back on . foggy . took them off . Clear . Last Sunday morning , there was an amazing time in the Sunday School room . We were teaching on how Peter and John were on their way to the temple and were asked by a lame man for money , but money they didn 't have … but because of Jesus … when they prayed , the man was healed and began to walk and leap and praise God . We then shared the stories that are happening around us and that when they say yes to the Holy Spirit and Jesus working in their lives the same things can happen with them when they pray . Their spiritual eyes were opening … The children were all ( miracle in itself ) standing , worshiping God , and we asked if they wanted prayer to close their eyes and put their hands out . Well they all wanted prayer and waited as we went round from child to child . All were touched by the Holy Spirit and a few after were saying they felt really wobbly on their feet as we were praying . I look forward to hearing what miracles Jesus does through these children as they step out in faith … . Posted on June 28 , 2013 by Reb On Wednesday we have a bible study for some new Christians in our church , this particular week for different reasons we only had one lady show up , and so rather than do the formal study we asked if there was anything she would like to know about . She said that she wanted to know more about the story from the kid 's talk on Sunday which was on the theme ' i want more ' . We discussed the passage about the woman who came to Jesus persisting he listen to her . From there we talked of her family and how God had been moving in their lives and she told us of her brother - in - law 's sister who was staying with them at the moment . This lady has been bedridden . She has so much pain in her back she even eats lying down . She had tried everything from doctors to witch doctors and other healing methods , but she hadn 't encountered Jesus . So we shared the story from Acts 19 where Paul prayed over some handkerchiefs and aprons and the people got healed . She is now sitting up and eating , and the pain is gone ! Others in the family wanted to touch the tissue to get a touch , but we know there 's nothing special about a tissue … it 's the power of Jesus , alive and real today , working through his people , who are asking and open to his touch . And then that faith being transferred to others because they see a powerful God at work , who is intimately involved with our everyday lives and struggles . Posted on June 24 , 2013 by Reb Ben ( my husband ) , has done quite a bit of study on building inter - cultural relations and one of the things he has shared with me that has stuck with me : that they ( not quite sure who they is , but let 's just go with experts in the field ) say that humour does not cross cultures . You cannot assume that something funny for you will be funny to another people group . Well I suppose that can be said to be true if any media stories are to be taken as truth , where ' jokes ' have gone wrong when they go off shore , or when I take my Greek friends to see " the Castle " and they give me a strange look and then I go to a live ' Wog Boys ' show and they are falling off their chairs laughing whilst I am merely falling asleep . But I have seen humour cross the cultural barriers when there is friendship . Something happens as you become familiar with people and they let their guard down , and we become playful . Where am I going with all this ? Well where I inevitably go , if you talk to me long enough … to the church bus run . On Sunday , a guy from church ( we 'll call him Joel ) and I , go on one of the bus runs for our church . Now we more or less pick up the same people every week and have the same conversation every week . We pick up a lot of older ladies from hostels in town ( where they are living so they can get to their renal dialysis appointments 3 times a week ) . Twice a week we have the pleasure of picking up these ladies who most are walker or wheelchair bound and take them to church activities . Every week , they ask where Ben is , and I tell them , he 's waiting for them at church . They then ask where Maku ( my youngest boy ) is , and I tell them he 's at church waiting for them . And every week it 's the same , except for our random weeks , which I love . Like this Sunday . Yesterday , we needed to drop off a gentleman on a different side of town than we usually go with our run , and we decided to take him first as the ladies usually like to go for a drive . So we began to travel slightly north , and they begin to say , where you taking us ? Darwin ? I say yes , and so begins the banter , in which most of them get involved , even the grumpy man at the back who said we were taking too long to get him home for his lunch . They say " the driver man ( Joel ) can catch us some fish … with a spear . And the man at the back can get us some kangaroo , which he says we can eat raw … " and so it continues … . it was as if the event was really taking place and we were all to be involved including the driver man hitting a goanna which we could cook up . Now to you reading this , you may say where is the humour in this … Maybe it 's not hysterics , but it is playful , banter , imagination , fun … crossing all sorts of boundaries , cultural , age , gender and it worked . There was not one of us on that bus that wasn 't smiling and enjoying the story … It was a wonderful experience of humour crossing boundaries where it ' should ' not apparently . I love being a part of these times . Stories that are really ' you had to be there ' sort of stories , but one 's that convince me of this : that love is what crosses all boundaries that are in our way . And where there is true love ( that only God can give ) for the people you come into contact with , no matter how hard and daunting it can sometimes be , good things happen and people 's barriers begin to come down … and true friendship begins and deepens . |
Chapter 5 - The Breakwater Disclaimer : All publicly recognizable characters , settings , etc . are the property of their respective owners . The original characters and plot are the property of the author . The author is in no way associated with the owners , creators , or producers of any media franchise . No copyright infringement is intended . Sookie waited for Eric in the little office of the Palace , her laptop open , until she realized she 'd been dozing . She woke with a start to find it was already two in the morning . Eric still wasn 't home . Not yet . When she stood up , she was stiff and it surprised her . She wasn 't used to aches or pains , headaches or bruises . She found herself counting backward to the last time they had exchanged blood . Sookie realized it had been over a month and she felt surprised again . Somehow with the running and planes , meetings and deadlines , time had slipped by . It wasn 't that they hadn 't seen each other or slept together , although Sookie had a suspicion if she counted the times in the past 30 days that they made love it wouldn 't even take two hands . Feeling worse than she had before , Sookie stood up and made her way to the hallway . James stood next to the door , his face impassive . He was guarding her , willing to wait until she was ready to go upstairs , and Sookie nodded to him . As she walked down toward the elevator , tears started to roll down her cheeks . She couldn 't think why she was crying , but somehow she just couldn 't stop . When she stepped into the elevator with Saul , she told James , " It 's okay . I 'm going to bed . Go home . Thank you . " As the elevator headed up , Saul hummed a tune . Sookie dashed the tears that wouldn 't stop from her cheek and said , " That 's pretty , Saul . Does it have a name ? " Titus was the guard on station outside the doors to their chambers . He opened the door for her and stepped aside as she walked past him . The door was closed before she could say ' Thank you , ' and that action seemed to shout , ' You are alone ! Again ! ' Their bed was large and empty . Sookie knew she could bury her nose in the pillow and sheets and not find him anywhere in it . The staff here was too efficient . Sookie bit her lip and headed toward the closet instead . Eric 's sweaters were stacked in a tall , thin set of shelves and Sookie pulled out the one she knew he wore often . She held it to her nose and he was there , the dry scent of sawgrass and sand and sea . " Eric ! " she cried , and holding the sweater to her face , she sank down , leaning against the built - ins , surrounded by his clothes , her face buried in his softness , smelling the man she loved . Eric 's plane was delayed . He wondered if he would need to return to his coffin , but they pulled up in front of the Palace with barely an hour to spare . Charles walked behind him , signaling to the Weres on the door to fetch luggage . The following car crew had the back of the van open and were unloading the travel coffin . " She 's upstairs . She tried to wait up for you . She watched the doors and windows all night , your girl , " and the Were winked . Once inside their chambers , Eric saw the empty bed . He headed across the sitting room to their retreat , but that was dark and quiet , too . He felt a moment of panic and then shook his head , closed his eyes and felt for her . He followed her breathing to their closet . " Lover ! " he whispered . He tried to take the sweater from her hands , but she held it tight . " It is over now , Älskade , you found me . I am here . " He stooped and scooped her up in his arms , carrying her against him . Sookie pressed her lips to his chest and then snuggled her cheek against him . " Come , we will get in bed together , my wife . All will be well . " As Eric unfastened her clothes , she woke a little and helped . He pulled the blankets from under her , getting her settled before taking off his own clothes and slipping in beside her . She curled into him , her fingers stroking and petting his chest . " I missed you , Eric . I missed you so much it hurt , " and then her eyes fluttered and she was gone . Eric felt the ache in his own heart , the way his body felt raw with the need of her , but there was no time . Dawn was fast approaching and he could not hold it off , not in his current state . " I am here , Lover , " he whispered into her hair and fell into his death with the scent of her tears in his nose . Sookie opened her eyes to see Eric 's still , white chest . There was something odd about his skin . It felt dry , drier than usual , and it was loose under her fingers . She leaned into him , burying her nose in that place where his neck met his shoulder . His scent always seemed strongest there . He would laugh at her , telling her since he didn 't sweat , he couldn 't have a scent . He was wrong . " I missed you , Sweetheart , " Sookie propped herself up on her elbow so she could stroke his face . The minute she did her bladder started prompting her . She knew he couldn 't hear her , didn 't know she was here . It didn 't matter . It took a supreme act of strength to pull away from him long enough to go to the bathroom . Just leaning against him felt as if she was lying in the sun , the physical contact feeding some deep part of her . Sookie took care of her human needs and then raced back across the floor , jumping into bed to press her body against his . She felt the thin headache that warned her she needed sun , but she didn 't think she could bring herself to leave the bed again . As she ran her hand over his chest , she felt something move and give way . Sookie rolled over and turned on the light . There was skin on her hand , fine as spider web . Eric 's chest was peeling in patches . If she didn 't know better , Sookie would have thought he had been sunburned . She peeled the blankets back to find him covered with scaly patches that were lifting , separating from him . She was startled by the knock at the door . " Go away , " Sookie called out . She wouldn 't leave him like this . She couldn 't leave him . The knock came again , " Come out here , Sookie , or I 'll come in there and get you . " It was a familiar voice , but Sookie couldn 't place it . She hovered over Eric , pressing kisses to his cold cheek where the skin was peeling , revealing red skin underneath . When the knock came again , this time louder and more persistent , Sookie whispered , " I 'll be right back . " The telepath grabbed a robe , stepping through the doors and then pulling them shut behind her as quick as she could . Almost unconsciously , she struck a defensive stance , her arms crossed , her legs planted . " You look like shit ! " Doctor Amy Ludwig was seated on the couch facing her . Sookie 's head swiveled as the hall door opened and Devrah walked in . The housekeeper glanced in her direction , but kept walking to lay a tea tray in front of the smaller woman . Sookie shook her head . She ran her hand through her hair . She felt thin and stretched , as though she was tethered to the resting vampire in the other room , and that tether was pulling on her . She shook her head again , and the saner part of her scolded , asking where her manners had flown . Then Devrah started to walk toward her . Sookie pressed her back against the door and a sound like a growl came from deep in her chest . Devrah pursed her lips and shook her head . " You see what I mean ? " she said to the doctor and then walked back toward the hall saying , " I 'll leave you to it . " " Because I ran out of things to do and thought I 'd pop on down to New Orleans to see how your suicide pact was going . " Amy 's voice was matter of fact . She could have been talking about the weather , for all the worry she was showing . She poured a cup of coffee and then another . " You going to stop standing there looking like the Bride of Frankenstein and get some caffeine into you ? " " Why are you here ? " Sookie challenged , but she knew she was being silly . There was something wrong and then the pieces fell into place . " Eric ? " and she glanced behind her . " Is Eric sick , too ? " " Based on what Maude told me , I 'm assuming that 's the case . " Amy watched Sookie like a hawk over the brim of her cup . " But I 'm waiting until he rises to verify it . I have no interest in seeing him now , and I suspect if I tried to get too close , you would try to flay me with those claws of yours . " Sookie swallowed then and lifted up her hands . Her fingers had become those hooked talons again . She glanced at the mirror that hung across the room . The face that stared back at her was longer and pointed . She saw cold eyes that slanted at the corners and a hard , thin mouth . She closed her eyes and shook her head again . From the couch , Amy laughed , " You should see yourself . It 's like watching cats in a bag the way you 're fighting yourself . " " What 's wrong with me ? " Sookie laid her hand against her chest . She felt as if her heart would leap from her chest and gallop around the room . " Bonding sickness , " Doctor Ludwig chuckled from the couch . " It looks bad based on how you 're behaving . I 'm surprised you made it out the door . " The Doctor bit into a muffin before saying , " Give it another minute . You 'll adjust . Take a couple deep breaths , and then walk over here before you miss out on your coffee . " Sookie 's breathing was still erratic . She was afraid to look back at the mirror , afraid of what she would see . When her heart started to slow and her hands stopped shaking , Sookie stepped away from the bedroom door . The doctor patted the cushion next to her a couple times , " Come on , Sookie , come on ! Right here ! Good girl ! " " I know you 're not a dog , " Ludwig snapped , " Dogs know enough to come out of the rain . Jury 's out on you . " The doctor held out her hand and was rewarded by Sookie 's blank stare . " Come on , Sparkles , give me your hand . " Sookie barely lifted it when quick as a snake , the doctor grabbed the telepath 's hand and pulled her so she could lick Sookie 's palm . " Well , I 'm right . Bonding sickness and you need sun , " the small doctor grimaced at Sookie , " So , what were you thinking , breather ? Are you trying to end the bond again ? Or maybe you 're just trying to kill the Viking . " The strangled noise that came out of Sookie surprised them both . It was a low keening ; like an animal in a trap . Ludwig shook her head and her voice became a little warmer as she patted Sookie 's hand , " I said it before and I 'll say it again . Interspecies romance is a bad idea ! You know you 're bonded . You know you have bouts of bonding sickness , and you still went gallivanting all over the country . How long have you been separated ? Days ? Weeks ? " When Sookie shook her head , Ludwig 's look became even sharper , " How long ? " " I 'm sorry . I don 't know what 's wrong with me ! " Sookie had forgotten to shield her scent first and in the act of doing magic , she was flooding the sitting room with a Fae scent . Were Sookie and Doctor Ludwig outside and far away from vampires it wouldn 't be an issue , but they were not . They were in a vampire palace surrounded by resting vampires . It was well known that vampires reacted to the smell of Fae magic the same way they reacted to the taste of Fae blood . It triggered an urge to feed that could quickly get out of hand . Eric once told Sookie that when he smelled her after she 'd been practicing magic he wanted to rub himself all over her , and then fuck her and drink and drink until there was nothing left . He told her it was the same for any vampire . Sookie steadied herself . She put her shield in place then went through the steps needed to suppress the bond . When she finished , she realized she felt a little better , although the ache in her heart didn 't go away as it had in the past . Sookie reached forward for the coffee cup and gulped some down . She knew if she turned to look , she would see the doctor 's eyes looking at her as if she was a specimen under a microscope , so the telepath did the only thing she could think of , " Is this enough for you ? " Sookie gestured at the tray . " Would you like some real breakfast ? An omelet ? " The Doctor cackled , " You really are a piece of work ! Figure now you 'll turn into Miss Manners and I 'll forget your little performance ? That 's a nice trick , by the way . Wish I could teach that to all my patients with bonding issues , but it 's a Fae thing , and you 're the only Fae I know that 's foolish enough to bond yourself to a vampire . " " Well , you 're here , aren 't you ? " and Sookie shook her head . " If I was getting it right , we wouldn 't be sick . I must be doing something wrong . " " What did you think this magic was supposed to do ? " Ludwig challenged her , " Eliminate the bond ? " When Sookie didn 't say anything , the doctor rolled her eyes , " I don 't know what you thought this was going to do for you , but nothing is going to eliminate that bond of yours . Well , witch magic , maybe , but with the way you are tied together , you 'd probably be pretty ripped up by the end . Might even drive you insane , " and Sookie had the uncomfortable feeling the doctor was filing that thought away for later . " I 'm not interested in breaking our bond ! " Sookie replied . " If you think that 's what I want , just get that idea right out of your head ! Grandfather told me I could suppress the bond and it would give Eric and me the freedom to travel . It was pretty bad before . Our bond was so tight we were thinking we wouldn 't be able to spend even a couple hours away from each other without feeling it . " " When is the last time you had his blood ? " Sookie couldn 't meet the doctor 's eyes . " The last time you were together ? Or has it been longer ? " the doctor drilled . " I don 't understand why you aren 't in worse shape , " Amy told her . " Your magic is nothing more than a smokescreen , by the way . It just numbs you . It doesn 't eliminate the bonding sickness . " The doctor 's eyes narrowed , " I heard your old place in Bon Temps is like Fae Central . Been spending much time there ? " Sookie shook her head , " Not often . You know Eric . He 's so busy , " Sookie smiled , " In fact , I 'm due to head up there today . What time is it ? " " Afternoon , " Amy said shortly . " And if you want to remain my patient , you aren 't going anywhere until tomorrow at the earliest . " Sookie almost protested , but then stopped . Sookie found her eyes drawn to the closed doors . She didn 't see Amy Ludwig 's satisfied smile . " Good ! " Doctor Ludwig nodded her approval , " You are going to take a muffin and get upstairs . There are at least a couple more hours of sunlight . Charge up ! I will speak with your housekeeper and I am going to send you a meal . You are going to eat every bite . When it gets close , you are going to come back down here and greet your vampire , and I don 't want to see either of you until much later . You have my number . Call me when you have everything straightened out between you but before dawn . Do you understand ? " Sookie felt the blush start at the back of her neck and sweep forward . Doctor Ludwig gave her a leering look , " Oh good ! I can see that you do ! " As she stood up , Amy grabbed another muffin , " I should really double my fee , " she told the telepath , " Once for making me come here in person and double because you are both that much trouble ! " Sookie blinked and the small woman was gone . It took almost everything to walk back into the bedroom and continue through to the closet . Sookie could see Eric lying motionless on the bed and she yearned to wrap herself around him . " Soon ! " she said out loud , making promises to herself . " Think of how much he likes the smell of sunshine on your skin , " and she pulled out one of her bikinis . She stepped into it and couldn 't help noticing the room left in the bra cups . She had to adjust the top twice , " Shit ! " Sookie knew she 'd been dropping flesh , but since she was avoiding the mirror , and no one saw her naked , she was ignoring it . Now she couldn 't . She knew Eric liked her rounder . ' I 'll do better , ' she thought . There was a wrap and she tied it around her before heading out . The next thing she knew , Sookie felt as if she was waking up . She was standing next to the bed , staring down at Eric . She figured she must have slipped into a trance . " Come on , Sookie ! " she scolded and she gave a strong mental shove to get moving toward the door . She was almost through the sitting room when there was a knock on the outer door . " I 'm here ! " she called out and the door opened to Devrah . " Have you been eating at all ? " Devrah sounded worried . It was Devrah 's voice more than anything else that got to Sookie . If the housekeeper had scolded , Sookie would have felt that things weren 't so dire , but hearing her housekeeper 's concern made Sookie want to go back inside and hide . There was steak and steamed spinach on the tray . The salad on the side had spinach , too , and there was bread pudding made with molasses for dessert . Sookie found it difficult to get started , but once she did , she didn 't want to stop . The entire meal disappeared and she groaned as she stretched back on the chaise , feeling the sun 's rays play across her skin . It was delicious , lying here . She felt as if there were batteries within her recharging . She felt better than she had in weeks when she headed back downstairs . No one needed to tell her he would be rising soon . She could feel him coming back to her . Sookie reached up to touch his face again . They were in their retreat . Eric was lying back on the large chaise , his head propped up by pillows . The fire threw shadows around the room that were further emphasized by the flicker of the candles Eric lit . Sookie wondered if he chose candlelight for mood or to hide the signs of illness they both wore . She was reading Wuthering Heights on her notepad , her head in his lap , a blanket draped over her . Eric was resting , his eyes closed . They knew the time would come for them to discuss the elephant in the room , but for now it was enough just to be touching each other . If someone told Sookie that Eric could be awkward initiating sex she might have laughed , but now she knew it was no laughing matter . For the first time they had not found their rhythm . It had been long minutes before their hands found their way , longer minutes before their mouths were able to kindle fire between them . Sookie wondered if they had fallen out of love , but the moment she thought it , she knew it was a lie . The problem was she loved her Viking too well , and the sunken flesh around his eyes and the odd , crepe texture of his skin made her too anxious for him to feel sexy . Eric opened his eyes , " What ? " he asked , his lip lifting just a little higher on the right side . " Are you tired of your terrible book already ? " Eric thought Heathcliff a fool . He believed the orphan should have taken Kathy , damn the consequences . He told Sookie that her hero lacked courage . Of course , Sookie disagreed . It was a favorite debate . Sookie traced the line of his lip with her finger , " Don 't think you 're going to goad me into another argument about the merits of the Bronte sisters , Mr . Northman ! They are geniuses and there is nothing you are going to say that will change my mind . " She waited for his eyes to crinkle further before asking , " Do you feel any better ? " " Yes , Lover , " he whispered and turned his head to kiss her fingertips . He drew her fingers down to the place on his chest where a patch of skin had sloughed away , revealing pink , new skin . Sookie tried not to think about it . On some level it made her cringe , but it seemed Eric was shedding . " I should have known something was wrong , " Sookie persisted . " I just figured I was missing you . I didn 't think I was sick . Or you … " " I was missing you , too , but you were happy , Lover . When you are determined , you are most attractive . Your eyes light up and you speak and walk with confidence . " The more he spoke , the worse Sookie felt . " I will enjoy the time we have , " he continued , " When do you have to leave next ? " " That 's the thing , " she said , and then , to her horror , her voice broke and her lip was quivering . She could tell by the way he moved that he saw it . " Don 't you peek into my head ! Don 't ! " Her angry words just flew from her mouth and Sookie sat up . She turned away so she could face the wall and to her great embarrassment , she started to cry in earnest . Eric didn 't sit up with her and rub her back as he had in past . Instead his voice was cold , " I would not break my word to you , Lover . I have promised you I would not to read your thoughts without your permission . I would think my word should be enough . " He stood up and left the room , shutting the door behind him . Eric walked into the sitting room . He could feel Sookie 's misery . He had been feeling it for weeks . There would be brief bursts of elation followed by longer periods of frustration . It started shortly after San Antonio . She felt much worse now . He was surprised to find her eager in his arms upon his rising . Her unhappiness was like a third person in the room with them . It colored all they did , but when he agreed to feed from her , he found himself powerless to control his other instincts and he gave into his urges . It made him feel less , but she felt better . Once led to twice and by the end , he almost felt they were ' them ' again . But now , she was back to her unhappiness , back to her old , accusing ways , so willing to believe the worst of him . Eric was startled . If he hadn 't felt so poorly , he would not have reacted as he did . He dropped into a crouch , fangs bared , and his eyes looked furtively around him . " You really are in a bad way , aren 't you ? " The short woman laughed and then she pushed forward and off the couch to walk over to him . Eric straightened and retracted his fangs . He realized his cock fell just to the level of Amy Ludwig 's head . It was an odd thought and she must have been thinking the same thing because she snorted , " Bet that thing gets in your way , " and she batted it to the side , making him step back . Amy stalked around him , her eyes moving over him . Eric heard a sound and turned to see Sookie standing in the doorway of their retreat . She had pulled her robe on and was scrubbing at her cheeks with the back of her hand . " You should think about feeding again soon , " Ludwig said , her voice even , " It will help your skin complete its cycle . " Ludwig 's expression turned hard and in a heartbeat , she reached out and slapped his cock , making his fangs drop again . Sookie took a step forward as Amy snapped , " They don 't call it a dumb stick for nothing ! Your mate is perfectly capable of feeding you , and that nasty way you feel is because you need to feed from her . I 'm not making this shit up ! If you haven 't looked in the mirror lately , let me be the first to tell you , you look like something the dog threw up and rolled in . Any vampire who sees you will see weakness . You want to be noble ? How noble are you going to feel when you get staked and she follows ? " and Ludwig waved at Sookie . The little doctor turned on her heel and stalked back to the couch , leaving both Sookie and Eric rooted where they stood . She jumped up a little and then worked her way back on the couch , " You decided you had to bond , and then you figured you could just ignore it ? You wanted to play ; now you have to pay . Figure it out , but you need to spend time together . You need physical proximity and you need physical connection . I 'd say you should plan on spending at least three weeks together , and I mean close . I can check up on you in a week or two and see how you 're doing , but you have drained yourselves and this is going to take some time . " " No reason to think otherwise . " The doctor looked around , " You have anything to eat around here ? I have a Mah Jong group starting in an hour and I haven 't had dinner . Sparkles , " and she glanced at Sookie , " would you do me a favor and have something sent up ? And you , " the doctor turned to Eric , " Go take a long , hot shower . That skin has to be itching . Hot water will help . " Sookie returned to see Doctor Ludwig make a motion with her hand . The door to their bed chamber swung shut all on its own . When she saw Sookie 's surprised expression , Amy shrugged , " What ? Just because I don 't show off doesn 't mean I can 't ! " She settled back on the couch and patted the seat next to her . When Sookie sat , the Doctor fixed her with a beady stare , " I need to say this fast because he won 't be busy long . He is going to come looking for you because he can 't help himself . Look , Fairy girl , your vampire in there is going to be stubborn , but he 's in bad shape . In all my years I have never seen a vampire lose skin like that and since he will keep ignoring his problem , it is going to have to be you . " Ludwig pinched Sookie 's arm , " You are going to have to fix this . He 'll let you do anything he thinks will make you happy . I don 't know how you did it , but you 've turned the great Eric Northman into a pussycat , and you can see how that 's working out . He thinks your happiness is in being away from him ? He 's ready to sacrifice . " When Sookie opened her mouth to respond , the doctor shook her head , leaned forward , and spoke in a hissing whisper , " He is noble to a fault . He will put you first . You need to find a way to do the same ! " " I guess I shouldn 't be surprised . Everything I touch turns to crap . " Sookie sighed . " I 'm a failure at being a vampire Queen . I work with Mr . Cataliades on my Grandfather 's businesses , but they mostly take care of themselves . " Sookie 's eyes dropped , " And now I 've screwed up the Were thing . I don 't know if I can take just sitting around , Eric is going to know I 'm not happy . It 's not that easy , pretending . He knows . He can feel it through our bond . He knows when I 'm not busy , I 'm not happy and I can 't bring myself to act around him . It feels like a lie and I won 't do that ! " " Jane was just reminding me that it 's been a year since your pledging . She has everything ready . You would have to stay in your house in Bon Temps for an extended period so you could be closer to the hospital . Of course , the Viking would want to be close to you . With technology , he could probably run his kingdom from there as easily as he could run it from here . " Amy gave Sookie a knowing look , " It 's likely all that Fae well - being the Prince soaked the place in will help you both heal faster . You could be taking day trips away from each other in no time . " " Seems you haven 't been together long enough to talk about much of anything , but , not to worry , " and the doctor hopped off the couch , " you 'll have plenty of together time now . The more time you spend together , the sooner you 'll get to spend time apart . As for what you do to pass the time ? Well , that 's up to you , but I agree , you 'll need a hobby . He 'll always have the worries of his world . If you can 't find an occupation that suits you in vampire affairs , you 'll need to find something else . " Doctor Ludwig smoothed her skirt , " But a word of advice as someone who has been around Weres a very long time ? They are nowhere near ready to form a true government . This wasn 't your fault . They will need to try this a few more times before they 're really ready . The vampires failed for centuries before they succeeded . Don 't take this on yourself ! " They agreed they would drive up to Bon Temps separately . Sookie was already a day late . She texted the number Tamsin provided , informing her Fae trainer she would be ready to start lessons a couple days later than originally planned . Michele , Jason , and their children were scheduled to come over for a visit during the day . Sookie considered postponing , but then , she didn 't . Eric nodded . He had fed from her again , and she had fed from him as well , but the Viking remained subdued . " I 'm sorry I was so defensive about you reading me , " Sookie apologized again . " I know you wouldn 't break your promise . All I can say is that this bonding thing has me so worn out , I am just not myself . " " There is nothing to forgive , " he replied , but Sookie knew there was . She was leaning over to tell him so when she realized he was gone from her , pulled into his day death . She wouldn 't see him again until he drove up the drive in Bon Temps tonight . " Rest well , " she whispered , and tucked her head against him until it was time for her to rise and pack . All day the house on Hummingbird Lane was a hive of activity . Vans came and went , filled with clothing and food , trinkets and technology . Owen and James moved into the guest house that was located just beyond the edge of the trees . Michele and her three sons showed up before sundown to help Sookie get dinner started . " You should think about getting someone to come in and cook , " Michele told her . " I can 't see it , " Sookie replied . " It 's really just me and whichever of the guards are here . I figured I 'd talk with Holly , Hoyt 's wife , about delivering meals for the guards . Figure some regular traffic couldn 't hurt . " Holly and Hoyt Fortenberry had taken over Merlotte 's . It was called Maxine 's now , in honor of Hoyt 's mother . From what Sookie had heard , it still wasn 't as busy as Merlotte 's had been , but since it had been open less than a year , she figured there was no cause to fret . A business needed time to take hold with folks . " As bad as when you were starving for that bastard , Sam , " Michele wasn 't laughing . When Sookie had been married to Sam Merlotte , he told her the reason he cheated on her was because she wasn 't thin enough . He had regulated her food and almost starved her to death . " So , he 's going to be staying here for a while ? " Michele looked out the window . Bit and JC , her oldest , were in the barn tending to the horses . Michael Eric , the baby , was napping in the family room just beyond the kitchen . " Yup , " Sookie said as brightly as she could , " We 've decided we were spending way too much time apart . We 're going to be like peas and rice from here on . Where you see one , you 'll see the other . " Near six o ' clock , Jason Stackhouse showed up , freshly showered , and bringing a six pack of beer . They sat down and ate , and Sookie played with the baby . JC and Bit told stories and Jason talked about his day . Once the dishes were finished , they moved outside . The stars were twinkling above them and fireflies were making their own points of light along the edges of the woods . Sookie , Jason and Michele sat on the wide , front porch of the house , sipping ice tea . The boys played tag on the lawn and Michael Eric showed off how he could pull himself up against the table and stand on wobbly legs . Sookie found her eyes wandering back toward the driveway where it connected with the street and she swept her eyes left and right , waiting for Eric Northman . The minute she saw the headlights she knew it was him . She felt a small thrill in her chest and she stopped what she was saying mid - sentence . Sookie stood and walked to the steps of her home , feeling herself on tiptoe as the Corvette swung into the long drive . Eric wasn 't out of the car before she was in his arms , her face against him . " I missed you ! " she sighed . " Good evening , Lover , " he chuckled . He really did look better . He had sloughed all his skin , but in that way vampires heal , the redness from the new skin had already faded . If she hadn 't seen it , Sookie never would have known . " Uncle Eric ! " Bit yelled , his legs wind milling in a blur as he launched his body at his favorite uncle . Eric stepped away from Sookie so he could catch the young boy , tossing him high in the air and then catching him . He flipped the boy over , hanging him by his feet , and while the child shrieked with laughter , Eric shook hands with both JC and Jason . Sookie stepped back , then stepped forward to tilt the painting she just hung on the wall of their bedroom a little more to the right . As much as Sookie had been coming here , there were still things that had not found their rightful places . Of course , other than their first anniversary , they hadn 't been in the house together for more than a few days . Eric emerged from the closet , " I hope you didn 't mind having Jason and Michele over our first night . " Sookie took a deep breath , " I have something to ask you . " Sookie could feel Eric 's curiosity . She bit her lip a little before she continued , " We said we 'd wait a year , and it 's been a year . " Eric became very still , and Sookie could feel the blush rushing over her face . Sookie thought about tonight , Eric dangling Bit and the way their godson looked in her Viking 's large , capable hands . She thought of her vision , the laughing , golden - haired boy running toward her . " Yes , Eric . I 'd like to try . " Share this : FacebookGoogleTwitterTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . 27 thoughts on " Chapter 5 - The Breakwater " saldred75 says : March 25 , 2016 at 5 : 10 pm i 'm glad they reconnected . i 'm anxious to see how the bill coming back plays out . Reply Natsgirl says : March 26 , 2016 at 4 : 41 pm So back on shaky ground they find themselves , together and committed ( in a way ) to being together more . Sookie still struggles with the idea that she is good enough , standing on her own two feet , to be a leader in this situation , but she is at least looking in the right direction . Bill Compton is a slow cancer . He 'll be back . Reply murgatroid98 says : March 25 , 2016 at 5 : 44 pm I 'm relieved they 're back together and healing . They were both terribly weakened . I think they will need their combined strength soon . Great chapter . I hope your Easter holiday is nice . Reply Natsgirl says : March 26 , 2016 at 4 : 43 pm They are back on track , although they both need to be happy about it . Being together is not a consolation prize . Neither is having a child . I liked the opportunity for Amy Ludwig to read Sookie the riot act and remind her that no matter how strong your man looks , he needs saving once in a while too . Reply Natsgirl says : March 26 , 2016 at 4 : 45 pm It was easy for them to not see that the issue was bonding sickness . They heard something from Niall and were all too willing to believe it , even when everything pointed to something being wrong . Look for them to listen a little more closely to their instincts in future ! ! duckbutt60 says : March 25 , 2016 at 6 : 35 pm Well - some light after the gloominess that had settled on our couple 's lives - but still , there is this sense of uncertainty . I feel it on Eric 's part - would this be enough to make Sookie happy ? Well … she wanted someone to put her first … and as the troll doctor pointed out , Eric was putting her first to his own physical detriment … . . Reply Natsgirl says : March 26 , 2016 at 4 : 46 pm And as the troll doctor also pointed out , caring for someone means you put them first too . It is the start of a wake - up call , and good thing . Sookie 's going to need all her self - confidence . Reply Natsgirl says : March 27 , 2016 at 1 : 21 pm That Amy Ludwig ! She is that character who is the common sense with a snarl . She tells it like it is and doesn 't take crap from anyone in the way she delivers it . And yes , Sookie and Eric are going down the baby trail . At this point , she probably is starting on the wrong reason foot , but it is something she has toyed with over the years . I don 't see her wanting to give it back . Reply Natsgirl says : March 27 , 2016 at 1 : 25 pm I don 't know if you remember the O . Henry story , The Gift of the Magi . It 's a story about a young couple who don 't have much , but they love each other so much , they are willing to sacrifice what they most value for the other . He sells his father 's watch to buy her tortoise shell combs for her beautiful hair , and she sells her hair to buy a gold chain so he can wear his father 's watch . It was a short story , but spoke so clearly to me of the nature of love - that the other person is all the matters and no sacrifice is too great . I thought of that story in writing about E / S at this stage in their relationship . It is that time when like , friendship , sexual attraction transforms into something different , something deeper . Reply msbuffy says : April 9 , 2016 at 3 : 18 pm Oh , yes . Of course I do , and it 's so true that eventually the nature of a great love takes that direction . As we mature , so does our love . It strengthens , deepens , and is supposed to transform . That is the definition of everlasting love , it is what we speak of when we take our wedding vows ; this is the true commitment . To me , this is the very best part of the story yet . I love it ! Reply Natsgirl says : March 27 , 2016 at 1 : 29 pm You are right . They still have a ways to go here . There are things they need to say and things that need to be resolved . Her not trusting him in her head is a big one that comes to mind pretty quickly . And so right - having a baby is not a fix ! Quite right that it might only make things worse if they don 't resolve some of these other things . Add a little sleep deprivation and new parent stress into a sub - optimal relationship ? Recipe for disaster ! Sookie may be feeling as if she 's a failure at the moment , and casting about for something she can consider a success , but don 't look for Eric to let her get away with that kind of thinking for long ! Reply desireecarbenell says : March 26 , 2016 at 2 : 55 am Bill does not know that Eric will be in Bon Temps . I am afraid that Bill will try to use Bit as leverage to get Sookie to do what he wants her to do when she turns him down . I can see Bit going up to Bill saying " Do you know my uncle Eric Northman ? " I am so happy that Eric and Sookie are reconnecting . I wonder if they will find out what Niall has been up to . Will Nial realize that he almost killed Sookie and Eric ? My hint on how I write Niall - look at the outcomes . He may not tell you exactly what he 's doing , but when you see how things turn out , you can figure out what he had in mind . His plotting doesn 't go astray often , although charming gifts backfired , and who hears who was a bit of a fail , but neither of those are steering what will happen . In my writing , Niall 's helping shove to get what he wants ( and what he believes is best ) generally works . Reply askarsgirl says : March 26 , 2016 at 8 : 45 am I dunno . I see Eric always putting Sookie first but I don 't see that same commitment from Sookie . And I have to say she 's coming off as a big hypocrite when it comes to the whole reading her mind thing . I would think she of all people would be a bit more understanding , especially to Eric ! ! Oh and wanting a baby so she 'll keep herself busy ? That 's not the best reason to try and get pregnant . I 'm sorry but she 's gotten under my skin lately ! I am glad they are spending time together . Hopefully they 'll get back on track without Eric having to make the majority of the sacrifices as it seems he 's been doing lately . Hey I 'm Team Eric . Always 😃 . Thanks for all of the great updates ! Reply Natsgirl says : March 27 , 2016 at 1 : 42 pm So right . Sookie is not showing to her best at the moment . Terrible reason to want a baby ! Not the worst motivation , but definitely down there in the bottom ten ! It is a bit one - sided in terms of sacrificing too - you are not reading it wrong . She 's not as whitebread stupid as she used to be , nor as unfeeling , but she has gotten herself into a place where she is struggling to feel that she is valuable . Now , there is something to say about not being able to be your best for others if you don 't feel good about yourself , and she is working hard on that - which again , is an improvement . What she needs to own is that she is strong and she doesn 't always fail . Sookie 's comfort and strength is in taking care of others , and she does it best when she feels confident about herself . Ludwig 's little talk has started to spur our telepath in the right direction . She is not expressing that new resolve in the best way , but look for her to continue to improve as she gets more comfortable with it in the next few chapters . Reply jfozz says : March 28 , 2016 at 12 : 14 am I see this time in BT as a reconnection time for them to get on the same page . Without the Were 's as a distraction she 'll be able to take more interest in state affairs again , and hopefully ease some of Eric 's burden . A few strong decisions and time will earn the vampires respect . Or she 'll be forced into a display of her strength for immediate effect . Either way , being there and involved will help her cause . I don 't see the baby thing as being immediate due to the medical side of things and perhaps that arena will become more of a focus for her . She could help the research into fertility for the fae . Anywho , I love that I reread and give your stories more thought than any others . I 'm always wondering how things will work out for each of the characters and the motivations behind their actions . Thank you so much . I hope you 've had a lovely holiday . Reply Natsgirl says : March 28 , 2016 at 9 : 48 am Bon Temps is their new base , more than New Orleans now . She does have options , with the Were thing behind her . She does need to get on with her life , making choices and getting serious . Obviously , finding a footing with the vampires would help , but she doesn 't have a clear path to that yet . |
I woke up , as I always do , sometime later , and lay there , as I always do , trying to figure out what time it was and how long I 'd been asleep . I figured it was between 3 and 4 a . m . If it was 3 a . m . , I would try to get back to sleep in the recliner . If it was 4 , I would come into my office and work on this entry . Emmanuella had told me she was reading a book called " The Wicked Stepmother " and was learning a lot from it . I decided to see if I could find it on Amazon - - and I did . It 's apparently an Ugandan story about the second wife of a man and her jealousy about the son of the first wife . The first wife dies and the second wife pretends to be mother to the now motherless boy , but is always trying to make sure her own son comes first in the father 's eyes . She wants to make sure her son will inherit the father 's " stuff " when he dies . She finally decides to kill the boy and puts poison in his lunch , but she had given her own son the better lunch , with a bit of meat in it , and he decided to share it with his stepbrother , so the stepmother 's son ate the poisoned meal and dies . Not exactly a pretty story and I wondered what Emmanuella was learning from it , but the book comes with questions after each of the four chapters , which I see could spark some interesting discussions . I wanted to ask her about her own culture , compared to that of the Ugandan village in the book . For example , are crickets a special treat of children in Ghana , as they are the children of this book . Is it common for a man to have more than one wife ? Does the village get together to bless new acquisitions , as they do the father 's new bicycle , etc . ? Obviously I got the book for my Kindle . However , it was $ 3 and I didn 't want to read it badly enough to pay for it so when I noticed it was part of the new Kindle Unlimited subscription program I decided to take advantage of the free 30 day policy and joined so I could get " The Wicked Stepmother " for free . We had discussed Kindle Unlimited with Jeri and Phil the night before . You pay $ 10 / month and all of the books you want to read are " free . " The promise is that you can read hundreds of thousands of books under the new program . It 's quite controversial because if you read a book from the Unlimited program , Amazon tracks how much of the book you read and only pays authors for the number of pages you actually read , which smacks entirely of Big Brother watching your reading habits . There has been lots of discussion about that policy on Facebook lately . I then got out my list of upcoming books for our book club to check availability under the Unlimited service and discovered that none of those books were available through Unlimited . I randomly checked the titles of books that I am interested in reading which are not on the book club list and discovered that none of THOSE books are available either . Not sure quite what the " hundreds of thousands " of books includes , but apparently nothing that I am interested in and nothing current . Blue Country Magic ! INTERESTINGLY : One year ago , I also did a Sunday Sealing on this date . In reading over it , I found this question and answer : There was a moment yesterday . Nothing special was happening . We had finished dinner and were eating cake and I looked down the long table at all these people I love so much and thought how much Walt and I are blessed to have them all in our lives . . . and then had a bit of a tear when I looked at the portraits of Paul and Dave on the wall behind them and wished they were here to share the joy and the love . We could not possibly have had a better , or more fun , or more joyous , or loving anniversary celebration . Ned and Marta arrived around 11 to finish cleaning house ( it will take me months before I find everything again ! ! ) Walt went to the train station to pick up Jeri and Phil , who were exhausted from taking the red eye from Boston and getting very little sleep , so they headed upstairs to take a nap so they could be in party mode . We went out for a wonderful anniversary dinner last night , at a little restaurant called Osterio Fasula , kind of hidden away in far West Davis . It could not have been a better meal . We started with asparagus salad ( for Walt ) and aspragus soup ( for me ) . It was kind of a green dinner . We sat and chatted about memories of our 50 years , and how the world had changed since we were first married . Our waitress was wonderful , chatty , and when dinner was over , she gave us samples of their house made . . . cello . She said it was like lemoncello , but they make it with seasonal fruits grown on the grounds . Tonight 's was kiwicello and it was delicious . And then , because it was our anniversary , she fixed us a special crepe to share . It had a berry cream with a berry coulis and a mound of whipped cream . The perfect end , nice and light but not too much . While we were out having this delicious dinner , Ned and Marta were at our house cleaning . Ned is determined to give me half of what I always ask for - - world peace and a clean house . He came Thursday night , descending like the White Tornado , saying he was going to be " ruthless , " determined to make this a beautiful house in time for today 's family gathering . And he did . He ran up and downstairs with boxes , and , with Walt 's help , dusted , vacuumed and did everything he could to transform the place . At the end of the day , it was clear that the job had not been finished , so he returned with Marta and they worked for several hours . He will be back this morning to do the final moving of furniture so that we can all visit together in the living room , and seat 14 people for the surf and turf dinner he and Tom are preparing . I am humbled by all this work and so grateful to Ned and Marta for all their work Sandy and I had a long chat about Charleston and the depressing state of things in this country . While we were talking a guy came in with his daughters and after time in the kids ' room , they bought four books , for which he paid with a $ 100 bill , totally wiping me out of all change , fortunately it ended up not being a problem . We always check large bills like that , to avoid counterfeit money , and I was happy that his was OK . A guy who looked like a farmer came in , with dirt under his fingers and rumpled clothes . But the baseball cap he was wearing was from Cal Tech and he joined in our discussion about Rachel Maddow and world affairs and then went on to talk about author Wallace Stegner and how he had seen him at Stanford . He and Sandy both talked about Stegner 's influence on other authors . Obviously I had wrongly judged a book by his cover ! A woman came in looking for " Unbroken " and was unable to find it in the biography section , so left . An hour or so later , I passed by the adventure shelves and found it there . Too late , unfortunately . A guy came in and asked if he was in the middle of " famous downtown Davis . " He bought 2 bargain books , but we talked about small towns and he said they were " breeding grounds for Republicans . " I told him I didn 't think that was quite true about Davis and that we were more liberal here . He then asked for directions to a bank , which was two left turns from Logos and we laughed about everything in town being " left . " As he walked out of the store , I noticed he had an keychain with an Australia map hanging from the back of his backpack . She was looking for books by P . G . Wodehouse and came across a first edition , " Shibumi " by " Trevanian , " the pen name of American film scholar Rodney Whitaker , who wrote several novels under the name Trevanian . She was thrilled with her find and also happy to find several Wodehouse books . A good day for her ! A trio of young women arrived , one in a sun dress , one in shorts , and one , unbelievably in a long black skirt and pink sweater ( it was > 100 degrees today ) . The girl in the black skirt kept lifting it up above her knees and fanning her legs with it . There were lots of giggles as they checked out the contemporary fiction shelves and finally the woman in the shorts bought one and the three left , still giggling . A couple came in , this woman also in a long dress , but it was a sun dress in a very pretty floral pattern that had slits up both sides almost to her hips . She also wore a straw hat and looked as cool as one can on a day like today . Her male companion had tan cargo pants with vertical stripes and a light blue shirt with horizontal stripes . He also had a 5 : 00 shadow . They checked Sci Fi for awhile and then left . Another group of 4 women arrived , 3 in skirts and one in pedal pushers with tall flip flops ( the soles were about 1 " thick ) . One of the group was pregnant and was looking for a children 's book called " Fox Eyes " while one of her friends wanted " Panda in the Paintbox . " It is amazing to me how many people come into a used book store and expect us to have all of the inventory on computer so we can immediately check for availability of books . I wonder if they have the same expectation of the Green Apple Bookstore in San Francisco , which is about three times the size of Logos . But where ? These days when we get together socially , it 's at Atria because it 's easier for my mother , but that wasn 't going to work for this party . But my mother doesn 't do well in restaurants . . . well , she 's OK , but she 's uncomfortable . . . so they decided we would get together here and that Tom and Ned would cook dinner for us . It 's just a small group , just the family . Walt and me ; Ned and Marta ; Tom , Laurel and the girls , my mother and Walt 's brother and his wife . Then Ned said he didn 't believe in keeping secrets so he let us know that Jeri and Phil are going to fly out and be here too . And because she 's family as well , Charlotte is coming . It 's not that these people have never been inside my house and don 't know that I am a terrible housekeeper , though since Walt has been doing so much housekeeping , he house is better than it has been in a long time . Ned , bless him , said he would come over today and help clean up . But I 've always said I would have to clean for two days to get the house to a point where I could apologize for how messy it is . A HUGE part of cleaning up is dusting the etageres . These are two glass and brass shelving units that Gilbert bought shortly before he died . I was so proud of those things and I felt so strongly that I wanted to take care of them for him after he died . So they stand in the dining part of our living room and they hold all of the tsatskes that either we have collected on our travels or that people have given to us . To dust it all takes 45 - 60 minutes , so it doesn 't get done that often , but really needed it now . When it 's finished , the room doesn 't look different at all , but I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment to know that everything is dusted and on dusted glass shelves . I set up a speaker so I could listen to my Amazon book and then I brought in my little desk fan because it was warm . Even with that , I had sweat pouring off of me as I worked on the shelves . I had to do things in small increments because my back starts to give out after awhile . Even sitting in a chair as much as I could while I cleaned still ended up with my having to take a break every now and then . As I cleaned I was thinking about having the girls here and what a temptation all these cute little things on these open shelves would be for them . I have thought about this before . How to " baby proof " the etageres so I wouldn 't have to worry about them . Then I thought back to my paternal grandmother and the times we spent at her house ( very , very often ) . She had a little shelf on which she kept a collection of miniature horses . They weren 't necessarily fancy or expensive . . . I seem to recall a couple of them were even made of plastic . But they were very special to her ( and it bothers me that when she finally moved out of her apartment they just disappeared . . . I never got the chance to ask for them ) . But the rule was " look , but don 't touch . " I was a horse crazed kid and I would spend a lot of time sitting on the floor looking at those horses and imagining playing with them , my grandmother yelling at me if I tried to touch them . She was so afraid I 'd break them . To this day , I am sorry that I never had the chance to play with them . And as I dusted all this stuff on the etagere I thought about the girls being drawn to it and wanting to investigate and realized that there is nothing on those shelves that is so special that I would be upset if it got broken , and what fun it would be to share those little animals and figures with them . So I 'm not worrying about it . If they want to play with anything on those shelves , I will smile and be happy that they are getting to do what I always wanted to do and never could . It was a surreal experience going to review Big River last night . This is the musical version of Mark Twain 's " Huckleberry Finn , " with book by William Hauptman and music and lyrics by Roger Miller . It 's a beautiful musical , but seeing it during a week when we are all still processing the slaughter in Charleston , when that event has sparked lively debate about the Confederate flag and the " n word " was just very weird . Jon Stewart made perhaps the most eloquent statement by dropping his comedy and speaking from the heart about how impotent he feels to do anything about what is happening all too often in this country . His guest that night was Malala Yousafzai , the young Nobel Prize winner , who is wise beyond her years . She said , " Sometimes we wait for others and think that Martin Luther should raise among us , Nelson Mandela should raise up among us and speak up for us , but we never realize they are normal humans like us - - and if we step forward we can also bring change just like them . " Kari recently wrote , " People are killing beautiful people . That is what 's happening . And we don 't care enough as a society to do anything about it . We could . But we don 't . Can 't , won 't . I don 't know . NRA . Money . Power . Votes . There is no hope for this country . We are in denial about race . We are soul crushingly stupid when it comes to guns . And our leaders can 't have opinions that aren 't market tested . The morning started taking Sheila to the vet . Her back leg was swollen and she had some lumps I 'd found . She also needed an annual exam ( about 2 years late ) . She has been panting a lot lately , which I figured was at least partly caused by the rising temperatures lately . She 's such a perfect dog to take anywhere . She loves sitting in the back seat and looking out the window . I usually open the window a crack and she sticks her nose out . Today , she was happy to just sit there and look - - didn 't get up to stick her nose out the widow . I attributed it to the bum leg . And she loves everybody . That stump of a tail just wagged a mile a minute whenever anybody came into the vet 's waiting room . Then he checked the lumps I 'd noted and asked if he could take some aspirates and see if he could figure out what was going on . He listed a few possibilities , the last of which was " lymphoma " ( why does nobody say " cancer " any more ? Is lymphoma a less painful word to use ? ) . But he was encouraging because he said that if it was lymphoma , we had caught it early . This was a good thing . We came home to wait for the call . At 5 p . m . , I called him . I could tell just by the way he said " hello " that the news was not good . " It 's lymphoma , " he said , " . . . and we 're probably talking weeks . . . " Weeks ? What happened to " lucky that we caught it early " ? ? So now there are decisions to be made . We 've decided against chemo , which would be around $ 2 , 500 , which , much as we love her , seems extravagant for a 12 - 13 year old dog . We 're going to start Prednisone and see if that will slow things down . Ashley tells me there are lymphoma trials at the vet school , but they seem to involve week - long stays there and injections and tests . If Sheila is in her last weeks , I don 't want her to spend them confused about why we 've sent her to some place where she has to live in a cage and be hurt regularly . Thinking I would take care of it right away , turned on the self - clean oven feature . In a matter of seconds , there was thick smoke pouring out of the top of the stove , every room was filled with smoke , and every smoke alarm was going off ( this lasted for half an hour and not a single neighbor came to check on us ! ) This is after about 20 minutes , when the smoke was starting to clear . . . The house was so smoky , we couldn 't eat inside , so decided to eat on the patio . Sheila , uncharacteristically , was sleeping somewhere and not begging for food . I feel like shit . I love this dog . She 's the first dog we 've ever had who is really mine more than anyone else 's . They are all ours , of course , but Sheila was mine first . Then I set to work making the stuffing for a dozen and a half hard boiled eggs . Usually I use mayonnaise and garlic powder , but when I did that last time it was way too salty , so this time I used mayonnaise and a tiny bit of cumin , which I decided I liked very much . It added just enough flavor that it tasted different , but you might not be able to put your finger on why . Everyone seemed to enjoy them . It did add a nice flavor to the salad , but as I poured it over , I was reminded that Drummond lives in Oklahoma , which may be one of those states that don 't get the flavorful fruits that we have here and wondered if maybe I was gilding the lily . But no matter . It tasted good . Then it was time to finish folding my mother 's laundry and get it over to her before she is forced to go commando around Atria . Sunday afternoon must be the time to go . There was TONS of parking . 3 slots in the Atria guest parking area ( where there is usually nothing ) , and lots of on - street parking . Walt pointed out that the UCD students are also on break so that might account for all that wonderful parking space . My mother is looking more and more tired . She 's old , you know : ) But she really is seeming it these days . Today she said she felt " strange " and couldn 't describe how she felt , but that it was different . I have the feeling that I 'm starting to watch her fading away . Al can sleep in the middle of a party , even a loud one , because he 's totally deaf . He went deaf in his youth , while working in the steamroom of a ship . When Walt first met him , at his first job when he moved out to California after college graduation , he wore a hearing aid and it was possible , though not easy , to have a conversation with him , but over the years the hearing aids worked less and less and finally he gave up and stopped wearing them . He can speak , but the older he gets the less clarity he has . This is the kind of party that I usually hate . I cringe when I know I 'm going to a party where I will know almost no one , but this one was absolutely delightful . Those people from the middle part of the country are so friendly and so gracious that it took no time at all before I felt like one of the group . ( Now why can 't I be that way when encountering people I don 't know ? ? ) There was a delicious barbeque dinner and the hostess had asked me to bring a fruit salad . I went out to our little fruit stand , just a couple of miles outside of Davis , and bought a whole bunch of fresh fruits - - strawberries , watermelon , canteloupe , cherries - - and then added bananas , which we had here , and a can of pineapple . Run of the mill salad , I thought , until those folks from North Dakota and Minnesota raved about it because they can 't get the kind of fresh , flavorful fruit that we can here . I remembered when I visited my friend Olivia in Idaho and she took me to the supermarket and scoffed at the pathetic choices for fruits there . I guess I don 't often appreciate what we have , literally in our own back yard ! Welcome to Saturday : 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! I almost didn 't make it to Logos today , thanks to having lunch at Atria . First , I sat with my mother for about 20 minutes and decided she 'd been taking lessons from Henry Higgins . Remember , he tells Eliza , when he 's ready to take her to Ascot , to stick to two subjects : the weather and her health . We went back and forth from " is it hot outside ? " to " I 'm old , Bev " and then " I know it 's hot because no leaves are moving on the trees , " to " will I live to be hunnert ? " to " now a leaf is moving so it must be a little cooler . " And on and on and on . Then we went to what I can only call the worst lunch I 've ever had at Atria . First , we sat with a woman who is so deaf she can 't hear what you shout at her , and a woman for whom English is not her first language , so there wasn 't much conversation except my mother surely asked me 25 times what I was doing this afternoon . Once she asked if she and I were doing something together this afternoon . But lunch was a patty melt , something I like , except the bread for this was as hard as a crostini , the meat was just warm , and if that pale yellow thing on top of the meat was Swiss cheese , you couldn 't prove it by me . The bread was soaked in some sort of oil or butter and then it tasted like it had been sitting in the warming oven for hours . I only ate half of mine ( and I only had half a sandwich to begin with ) . Then there was a cherry pie which I should not have finished because it was gooey and too sweet even for me . By the time I got home , I was having terrible stomach cramps and if it had not been 40 minutes before my shift started at Logos , I would have called Susan and told her I couldn 't work . But I laid down on the couch for half an hour and felt more human when I got up . Sandy told me I looked very pale . But she stayed for about 40 minutes and we had a lovely chat about Atria ( where her father died ) , the Davis schools , books , and the landscaping they have been doing to their home , which is now finished . Four customers came and purchased books while we were talking . One woman bought 2 biographies , one of the Wright Brothers . It was not the new book by David McCullough but she and Sandy discussed that book too . One woman bought 2 contemporary fiction books , one from the literature shelves , and her male companion bought a children 's book . A woman bought 1 bargain book and 6 science fiction books . She and Sandy discussed other authors . I asked Sandy if she had read " The Goldfinch " and , like me , she has it on her Kindle but hasn 't read it ( I had it on my Kindle for 2 yrs before I read it ) . She recommended " All the Light We Cannot See " by Anthony Doerr , which I mention here just so I won 't forget the title when / if I decide to read it after I read the other hundred books waiting for me ! She also mentioned a book called " Geek Love , " which sounds so strange I may have to put it on my " to be read " list . Before she left I told her how frustrating it is for me when people come up with stacks of books and place them on the desk as far away from me as possible . She said she noticed that too . We thought maybe if we moved the bowl that the free bookmarks are in , people would then put the books down closer to us . So we did . A very tall stooped older man wearing a Cal Tech hat had 4 bargain books and then bought 4 more books by Wallace Stegner , one of the authors Sandy had recommended to the woman with whom she was discussing books . A guy with a Blood Source sticker and his arm wrapped up like they do after you give blood came in and that was good because I had forgotten I have an appointment to give blood at 10 a . m . tomorrow . I thanked him . He bought a Ray Bradbury book and a coffee table type book on Tolkien 's world . A middle aged woman wearing a rosary as a necklace checked travel books and asked for something that I could not understand , even though she repeated it three times , each time softer ( I guess figuring that the lower she talked the better I could hear ! I find this is what happens with a lot of customers who come up to talk with me . If I can 't understand them , they repeat , softer . ) I did get that it appeared to be a contemporary fiction book , so I directed her to that section , but she left empty handed . A guy who looked like Michael J . Fox , circa Family Ties but with a huge cowlick . He was dressed in a white shirt that was pressed so that it almost looked like a dress shirt , and then sky blue shorts . Neither he nor his girlfriend bought anything . That 's Leniel on the left . I 've been writing to him for several years . And the girl with the attitude is Banesa , I 've been writing to her for several years too . They both live in the Dominican Republic . I don 't have a clue what hell , if any , they and their families are going through this week . The story is about a painting by Dutch artist Carel Fabritus , who painted it in 1654 . It hangs in the Mauritshuis museum in the Hague . In the book , young Theo is visiting the Metropolitan Museum ( in New York ) for an exhibit of Dutch Masters when there is an explosion that kills his mother . Theo survives and in escaping the museum , he takes with him the small painting ( it is about the size of a piece of typing paper ) . He 's not sure why he takes it , but his mother loved the painting and it is his connection to her . It 's an odd painting for us since it shows a goldfinch chained to a post by a little chain around its leg . Apparently keeping finches as pets like this was popular in the 1600s . It was so much fun having a group of people to discuss this book with , since everyone had such interesting things to add . It 's a book about damaged people and how they cope with life . Sadly , much of the coping has to do with drugs . . . massive amounts of drugs . . . and I did get tired of the drug taking , which dominates one section of the book and is very much a part of the rest of it . Two people in the book group hated that so much they didn 't finish the book . But I 'm glad I stuck with it to the end because there was a fairly satisfying resolution . Of course I 'm kind of an interloper in the group , since it is run through the San Ramon public library and technically I 'm supposed to be a resident of San Ramon to attend . In fact , when the leader asked for my email address yesterday , I gave her my gmail account rather than my Davis account . Char says she 's going to let her know that I 'm really not from San Ramon but doesn 't think she will care , especially now that I 've been there for two meetings . As I watched her joke and laugh and reminisce with her friends , the ones she wasn 't sure she would remember when she saw them , I realized that this kind of mental stimulation is so good for her . Really , she gets zero mental stimulation . . . and refuses to consider anything . She won 't join in any activities , she can 't remember how to get upstairs where the puzzles now are , I 've given up her actually making friends at Atria - - the memory is just too bad for that , though she finally has people she recognizes and enjoys at mealtimes . It takes coercing to get her to leave Atria for anything . And even if you can get her to leave , her back pain ( which she won 't take a pain pill for ) makes it difficult for her to move much . Getting back in the car , I plugged in my 40s playlist again , since it had been such a success last time . And this woman , who sometimes doesn 't remember she has great grandchildren and never remembers their name , sang every word to every bloody song for the hour and a half drive home . Music does amazing things to brain function . Welcome to Saturday : 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! 2 ) Them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye . What 's the last drink you ordered ? Can 't remember . I almost never order anything alcoholic , but if I did order something it was probably a gin and tonic . It gives a false impression to say , truthfully , that it rained two days ago . California is going through it 's 3rd or 4th year of drought and the " rain " we had was hardly enough to wet the sidewalk . We need rain ! 4 ) When McLean was working on the song , he wrote the lyrics out in long hand . It took him 16 pages of lined notebook paper . Today it 's a laptop / smartphone / tablet world , and Sam can 't remember the last time she hand wrote anything longer than a sign on her front door that read , " Bell broken . Plz knock . " What about you ? What 's the last thing you wrote with pen or pencil ? 5 ) McLean 's most recent CD is called " Addicted to Black , " in reference to Olivia in The Twelfth Night . Quick ! Without looking it up , name another character from Shakespeare . 6 ) Don was born in New Rochelle , New York , which was named one of The Best Walking Cities in America by the American Podiatric Medical Association ( APMA ) . What about your neighborhood ? Is it easily walkable ? My mother , sister and I went to Disneyland about the year after it opened , after I 'd won 5th place in an essay contest , my prize being a one - way ticket on a luxury liner , to Los Angeles . We went to Disneyland then flew home - - my first ride on a plane . Since then we have been there countless times , with each kid once between their 4th and 5th birthdays , with most of the foreigners we had living with us , and a couple of times as chaperones for the Jazz Choir , which performed there . My last time was in 2000 , when Peggy was visiting here . I have seen enough of Disneyland to last me the rest of my life . 8 ) Also in 1971 , Mattel introduced Malibu Barbie . This doll was a " sun - loving California girl " and had a distinct tan . Have you ever used a tanning bed ? Good lord , no . Never had the desire . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am ! |
This story was something I really needed to get off of my shoulders ; I 've planned it for a solid four months now since a terrible relationship ending and problems I had at home . So as a disclaimer , if this story doesn 't make sense to anyone since it 's so filled with emotion , I apologize . This is part one of three or four . Enjoy , and thank you to the solid 300 people who viewed my last story . It means a lot . ( This is a short story I wrote for Creative Writing within an hour and a half , and frankly , it 's pretty bad . I just wanted to see if I could write an entire story over the span of my class time . Enjoy . Well , as much as you can , at least . ) 1 . Clean kitchen for Kate , for the sake of giving her a break when she gets off work . 2 . Turn off all lights ; unplug everything from outlets in order to save money on the power bill . 3 . Check thermostat , make sure it 's on a cool temperature , Kate likes sleeping in the cold . 4 . Go upstairs , brush teeth , wash face , and head to bed . Every night it 's the same routine . Kate and I are to the point in our relationship where every little thing causes us to fight , so since at this point I 'm currently unemployed , I 've just done whatever it takes to make her happy . All the little things are the most important , I suppose . Whenever she left for work tonight , we didn 't leave on the greatest of terms . She has yet to shoot me a text message or anything like that , and with the way Kate works , I can 't text her first . We have always played these games when we 're talking away from each other : If I text her first and apologize , she 'll think of me as a little bitch . Seriously . She 'll talk down to me like she has the upper hand in the relationship , and that 's what the entire relationship is : A game of dominance . Since her Mom passed away last year , she has been this bitch that feels she needs nobody . Her Mom hated me too , maybe that 's why Kate thinks so low of me . Her Mom , I swear , her last words were at me , because I was the only one in the hospital room while she passed away . " I 'll be watching you . " At this point I 'm pretty confident that Kate doesn 't love me anymore , so right now , she DOES have dominance . I 'm always sucking up to her in every little way possible that it 's become disgusting ( see steps 1 - 4 ) . She feeds off of me , I swear . Like she 's some sort of vampire . Huh . Maybe she IS a vampire . She 's always in the house during the day , but never eats anything . She 's always gone at night , probably feeding . She is perfectly fine with barely getting any sleep . She still looks like she just turned 21 , beautiful and majestic , although she and I have aged 12 years since then … Meh . Crazy thought . It 's been a long day , you know , not working and all . This whole unemployment thing has its ups and downs . The ups are : I don 't have to work while Kate has a steady paycheck that can pay all the bills and then some . I can walk around naked at night , which is quite beneficial to me , not wearing clothes and just letting it all hanI turned on the TV and watched a bit of some show , too lazy to hit the " info " button on the remote to find out what it was . I kept drinking and drinking until things got blurry , as they always do . I caught myself smiling , not able to process any complete unhappy thought . That 's what I love about being drunk . There 's barely any thinking , and if there are any thoughts , they 're incomprehensible and incomplete . The one thought I could process was that , since Kate won 't be in bed , I could strip down without her scolding me with disgust . So , and I 'm sure at this point I 'm coming off as repetitive ; I took off my clothes and drank more . Sadly , there was a comprehensive thought , and that was that after ten years of a relationship with Kate , we STILL aren 't married . Don 't get me wrong , I 've proposed . Multiple times . She doesn 't believe in marriage . How do you not believe in marriage , exactly ? Who the hell knows ? If all women are this neurotic then there 's no hope for us men . If we can 't marry , and all we do is fight , what the hell are we doing together ? That 's what all of my friends ask , and I 'm sure all of her friends ask her the same thing . My own relationship disgusts me more than my beer gut . Screw this ; I 'll go join a nudist colony . All these random thoughts aside , all I remember from this point on is black . I must have passed out . I could hear things in the background so I felt I was still awake , but at the same time , I couldn 't see anything . I could hear Kelso 's voice from That 70 's Show , and at some point later , Jimmy 's from Raising Hope . I wanted to wake up and watch the shows , but all I could do was chuckle at the voices , for I couldn 't see . I think I was dreaming WHILE I was watching the shows because I was definitely seeing things . I could see the entire room in black , but one corner especially more black than any of the others . In my blackout , what I was seeing was either totally real or totally not , but right next to the closet ( which I forgot to close ) was this blackPosted by " It 's hard to believe that just three days ago , a shooting at Kamiak High School in Mukilteo , Washington took place . Today , Kamiak is holding a memorial service for the eight teenagers that were shot and killed . To anyone that is mourning a death today ; Channel 7 News wishes you the best . Back to you , Diane . " Dad turned the television off . In just a few seconds , after the commercial break , the news channel will show a fashion show , a kid that survived leukemia , a faggot trying to show that it 's okay to be gay . The media doesn 't give a shit about anyone shot ; they care about the person who sees it . They 'd care less if half the world exploded . If it 's a way to attract more viewers , they 'll show it . Nobody is mourning but Dad , sitting silent slouched on the couch , dressed in black . Mom steps out of the hall , holding Little Sisters hand . They are silent . They too , are wearing black , and are ready to go to the Memorial Service . Mom has big purple circles under her eyes , she probably hasn 't slept . Little Sister sits there with a frown on her face , still a bit confused as to where her brother was . Little Sister did not understand . What is happening ? Why is everyone crying ? Why hasn 't she seen her big brother in three days ? A three year old can have a lot of damage done if you let them sit and think . " . . Are you ready to go ? " Mom asks Dad . Dad doesn 't answer . He hasn 't talked or eaten in the past three days . The last time he spoke to Mom was when he told her his perfect son was shot by a crazy kid . After a moment of anxious silence , Dad finally got up . He grunts and groans , but he has to get up . Dad is usually a big , strong guy , but he had lost his appetite , and was losing weight fast . Mom , Dad , and Little Sister make their way to the garage . In Dad 's big pick - up truck , he rides shotgun as he did on the way home from the crime scene . This , too , was unusual . He never let anyone drive it , except for his 18 - year - old son . Ryan was gone . Nobody could face that fact . Little Sister was bouncing in the backseat of the car , excited because she thought they were going to see him . And in a way , they were . After just a few minutes , they arrived at the high school . The parking lot was full , so they parked in a handicap spot . " What is the school going to do , kill my child ? " Dad thought to himself . " Oh wait , they already did that . " They make their way past lockers , including one with flowers all over it . This wasn 't Ryan 's locker , it was someone else 's . The three knew that Ryan 's locker would be covered in more . They find their way to the library , and this is where it all happened . Little Sister notices that there is yellow tape all over the door . She was too confused . She lets go of Mom 's hand , and goes to the door . She rips pieces of the tape off , and tries to push on the library door . Locked . The strange thing is that Mom and Dad were talking about how Ryan was in the library . Mom and Dad took Little Sister 's hand and they made their way to the library . Little Sister continued to stare at the library until they pass the corner . Sometimes in movies , Dad would see people cheering during memorial services , to celebrate someone 's life , not mourn their death . But this wasn 't the case . The gym doors were open , and there was pure silence . Spots were reserved for the three of them , right in front . Mom was crying . Little Sister wasn 't paying attention to the speaker . She was paying attention to her Mom . Little Sister started to cry too , but she didn 't know why . Dad sat there , and closed his eyes , and remembered one of the best times he had with Ryan . " And don 't forget , Ryan , you can 't let go of the pole . When the fish bites , reel it in . " Ryan was fishing for the first time , at the age of fourteen . It 's hard to believe this was only four years ago . Dad remembers how impatient Ryan was . It took Ryan nearly twenty minutes to catch a single fish . He caught a catfish that fought a good fight . After putting three more fish in the bag , Dad 's phone rang . Mom was pregnant , with Little Sister . Ryan beamed a smile , he always wanted a sister . Dad stood up from the memorial service , left the room , and went outside to get some air . He was sweaty , his armpits dripping . He still wasn 't ready to face his son 's death , let alone mourn it . It 's hard to imagine what this world would be like if everyone fit in , if there was peace at schools . Drama and popularity have infected schools with the need to be loved by everyone , or they won 't go to school . Girls sometimes don 't show up for fear of getting in a fight with one person . Guys don 't show up for fear of a fight at school . Would you rather be the most popular person in your school , or would you make your social life non - existent , so you assure yourself a better future ? Kids these days just don 't get it . They 're partying hard , and sure , that 's what kids do . But what they don 't see is themselves in ten years , is them scrambling for money and living off of their parents . If kids just went to school and listened to the bullshit their teachers are spoon feeding them , their life could be so much better in the future . Little Sister stood up on her chair , looking for Ryan . Mom set her back down on her chair . Little Sister had to sit through this old man talk about something that happened a few days ago , that she had no interest for . " Come on , " Ryan said . " Please go down the waterslide with me , Sis ? " Little Sister was scared , so she shook her head no . Ryan was disappointed , but he didn 't show it . " Okay . " Ryan always made her laugh and giggle . He taught her how to swim , and how to go underwater . Little Sister only cried when she got water in her eyes , but the pain from the chlorine passed . Ryan would put Little Sister up on his shoulders while he walked around . Every once in a while , he would jump , just to mess with her . He 'd put Little Sister on his back , and swim around , and she would just rest her head on his back , and sometimes even fall asleep . Ryan and Little Sister were the best pair . Bonnie and Clyde . Elvis and Priscilla . Siegfried and Roy . Not in the loving sense , but the partnership sense . Nothing could split them apart , except for two shots to the chest . Little Sister got out her seat , and ran out of the gym . She felt she knew where Ryan was . She screamed , loud enough for everyone to hear , " Ryan , I 'm coming ! " Mom got up and went after Little Sister . She opened the door going outside , but only found her husband . He was sitting on a rock , his face buried in his arms . " Your daughter is missing . She ran away , somewhere in the building . " Mom told Dad . Dad got up immediately , and they both knew where Little Sister was . Meanwhile , Little Sister ran to the library door . She pulled and pushed , pushed and pulled , but it wouldn 't budge . " Ryan , come out ! " She screamed . " Please , big brother , I miss you ! " She looked through the window into the dark room , but saw nothing . Little Sister then started crying . She wiped her eyes , tear for each finger . Mom and Dad ran to the library hall and grabbed her . " . . Where 's Ryan ? " Little Sister asked . Mom and Dad looked at her , and Dad spoke first . " Claire … Ryan isn 't coming back . He 's gone to heaven . God has taken him . " Claire , for the first time , understood what happened to Ryan . " But Dad , he 's my brother . Why would God take him from me ? Why does God make people sad ? " " I don 't think I like God . " Claire said . Mom and Dad were both very Christian . They took their kids to church every Sunday . They dressed them up , they did bible studies . They held hands at dinner and said grace before they ate . But this time , they let Claire think what she wanted to . And maybe , just maybe , it was God that had killed Ryan . No , not God , but Ryan 's faith in God . Maybe the shooters went through and killed who had thought that there was a heaven above us , and a hell beneath us . Maybe they picked out each individual student , and asked them for their beliefs . Maybe they left the kids who didn 't believe in anything , they left the atheists . " I 'm hungry , Dad . Let 's go to that Macaroni Place again . " The Macaroni Place was where they had their last dinner with Ryan . The restaurant laid paper on the table for them to draw on . While Claire was being carried , she closed her eyes , thinking and remembering their last supper . " Look , Ryan ! I drew you ! " Claire yelled . Ryan leaned over to Claire , who was standing on her seat , to see the smiley - face and stick body that she drew oh so well . " That 's cool , sister , but look at my drawing of you ! " Claire walked over on the bench to see a girl in a big empty plain , the wind pressing hard , her carrying a kite , and her hair going out . She had big blue eyes , long , beautiful brown hair , and a black dress that hung down under her knees . " This is you when you get older , Claire . " The picture had a yellow flower put behind her ear . " But , where are you , Ryan ? " Claire asked . " I 'm probably the one taking the picture of you with the kite . When you get older , Claire , you should go do this sometime , so the drawing is true . " Claire fell in love with the picture . Every day , Claire told herself she was going to marry Ryan , as all other little girls do with their father or brother . " Can I put this on my wall , Ryan ? " Claire asked . " Only if I get a big hug . " Ryan said . Claire walked right next to him , gave him a big hug , she squeezed too hard , and gave him a big kiss on the cheek . Their food came , and it was Dad 's last meal . They all had plates of different types of ravioli . " Hey Dad . " Ryan said . Dad stopped from his meal to look up at his excellent student , his quarterback son , his greatest achievement . " Yes ? " He didn 't have a care in the world . All of his friends had parents that were seperated , but it was okay , because his were still together and happy . The kid got into middle school , had his heart broken multiple times , and the only one to help him was his Mom . She waited for him all day to come home from school to cry in her arms and she could make everything better just with her warming embrace . Whenever he came home with a bad day , she would make him hot chocolate with marshmellows , his very favorite . They would sit there and talk about everything , and she would make her boy smile . When the kid grew up and became a teenager , his parents fell out of love , and one day , the mom just . . . left . It killed her to leave the boy that she had raised , but it felt she needed to , because if she stayed with the husband , all they would do is fight in front of the boy . The mom spent two full years away from the boy , seeing him only time to time , barely keeping contact with the boy . The boy and his dad weren 't too close , so he went to friends and girls for comfort . After two years away from his mom , the boy met a girl who took his heart and snapped it in two . He tried to talk to his dad , but his dad couldn 't help . He just didn 't have that embrace that his mom did . One day , while dealing with heartbreak , the Mom called to check on him . The boy , to take out his anger , yelled at his Mom , cursing and accusing her of abandonment . As much as the Mom tried to explain her reasoning , he never forgave her . The boy never filled the hole in his heart . He kept good grades , graduated from college , and began a writing career . All he could ever write about were past experiences and fun times he had with his Mom before she left . The boy found a woman that was able to make him happy and forget all of the bad things he endured while growing up . As soon as he found that she could make him happy , the boy married her . Whenever the boy and his wife had troubles , he nearly considered going to his Mom , but he could never talk to her , because she was the reason for his insecurity and lack of trust to everyone around him . The Mom , one day , dwelled over how much she missed her boy . She called her boy . The boy saw that she was calling , and didn 't answer . She nearly cried when she was leaving her message , " hey son . I just wanted to say , I miss you with all my heart . give me a call sometime . I 'm so sorry , for everything . " One day , the boy 's wife had a baby girl . They couldn 't decide on a name . It bugged them for quite a long time . About a month after the baby was born , the wife told the boy that she was no longer in love with him , and wanted a divorce . She did not take custody of the baby she had with the boy , knowing that the boy would be able to take care of the baby more than she could . It was an easy divorce , they remained friends , although the boy was still in love with her . The Mom heard from the Dad about the divorce , and she felt horrible , however , she saw the perfect opportunity to once again warm her boy with a loving embrace , so she went to a store near her son 's house to get him something special , and got back in the car to begin driving to her son 's house . She was so eager to see him . The boy 's wife was gone , and although the boy was grown up , he would always be her son . Driving fast and not paying too much attention , she ran a red light , while a semi truck was driving full speed , coming from her left side . It hit her , glass broke and shattered everywhere . The boy , driving back from work , noticed there was a significant amount of traffic . Seeing the car , which very much looked like his mother 's , he drove right up to the accident . He got out , forced the car door open , and pulled the mom out of the car . There were numerous lacerations from glass all over her arms , her neck , and her face . He held her in his arms , crying , and her last words before she left the earth were , " check the passenger seat . " she smiled , and closed her eyes . The ambulance showed up and took her away from him , but they knew they couldn 't save her . He sat there for a good amount of time , but he got up , and walked to his mothers car . In the passenger seat , sat a grocery bag . He grabbed the bag and gently opened it , and inside contained the only remaining passageway to his heart . Inside the bag , contained a box of hot chocolate , with marshmellows . He reached in the bag , grabbed the box , got back into his car , and drove home . There sat the baby , with thLooking at his baby , he named her after his mother . " Anne , " He took a sip of hot chocolate , which mixed with the taste of tears . " Your name is Anne . " |
This story was something I really needed to get off of my shoulders ; I 've planned it for a solid four months now since a terrible relationship ending and problems I had at home . So as a disclaimer , if this story doesn 't make sense to anyone since it 's so filled with emotion , I apologize . This is part one of three or four . Enjoy , and thank you to the solid 300 people who viewed my last story . It means a lot . ( This is a short story I wrote for Creative Writing within an hour and a half , and frankly , it 's pretty bad . I just wanted to see if I could write an entire story over the span of my class time . Enjoy . Well , as much as you can , at least . ) 1 . Clean kitchen for Kate , for the sake of giving her a break when she gets off work . 2 . Turn off all lights ; unplug everything from outlets in order to save money on the power bill . 3 . Check thermostat , make sure it 's on a cool temperature , Kate likes sleeping in the cold . 4 . Go upstairs , brush teeth , wash face , and head to bed . Every night it 's the same routine . Kate and I are to the point in our relationship where every little thing causes us to fight , so since at this point I 'm currently unemployed , I 've just done whatever it takes to make her happy . All the little things are the most important , I suppose . Whenever she left for work tonight , we didn 't leave on the greatest of terms . She has yet to shoot me a text message or anything like that , and with the way Kate works , I can 't text her first . We have always played these games when we 're talking away from each other : If I text her first and apologize , she 'll think of me as a little bitch . Seriously . She 'll talk down to me like she has the upper hand in the relationship , and that 's what the entire relationship is : A game of dominance . Since her Mom passed away last year , she has been this bitch that feels she needs nobody . Her Mom hated me too , maybe that 's why Kate thinks so low of me . Her Mom , I swear , her last words were at me , because I was the only one in the hospital room while she passed away . " I 'll be watching you . " At this point I 'm pretty confident that Kate doesn 't love me anymore , so right now , she DOES have dominance . I 'm always sucking up to her in every little way possible that it 's become disgusting ( see steps 1 - 4 ) . She feeds off of me , I swear . Like she 's some sort of vampire . Huh . Maybe she IS a vampire . She 's always in the house during the day , but never eats anything . She 's always gone at night , probably feeding . She is perfectly fine with barely getting any sleep . She still looks like she just turned 21 , beautiful and majestic , although she and I have aged 12 years since then … Meh . Crazy thought . It 's been a long day , you know , not working and all . This whole unemployment thing has its ups and downs . The ups are : I don 't have to work while Kate has a steady paycheck that can pay all the bills and then some . I can walk around naked at night , which is quite beneficial to me , not wearing clothes and just letting it all hanI turned on the TV and watched a bit of some show , too lazy to hit the " info " button on the remote to find out what it was . I kept drinking and drinking until things got blurry , as they always do . I caught myself smiling , not able to process any complete unhappy thought . That 's what I love about being drunk . There 's barely any thinking , and if there are any thoughts , they 're incomprehensible and incomplete . The one thought I could process was that , since Kate won 't be in bed , I could strip down without her scolding me with disgust . So , and I 'm sure at this point I 'm coming off as repetitive ; I took off my clothes and drank more . Sadly , there was a comprehensive thought , and that was that after ten years of a relationship with Kate , we STILL aren 't married . Don 't get me wrong , I 've proposed . Multiple times . She doesn 't believe in marriage . How do you not believe in marriage , exactly ? Who the hell knows ? If all women are this neurotic then there 's no hope for us men . If we can 't marry , and all we do is fight , what the hell are we doing together ? That 's what all of my friends ask , and I 'm sure all of her friends ask her the same thing . My own relationship disgusts me more than my beer gut . Screw this ; I 'll go join a nudist colony . All these random thoughts aside , all I remember from this point on is black . I must have passed out . I could hear things in the background so I felt I was still awake , but at the same time , I couldn 't see anything . I could hear Kelso 's voice from That 70 's Show , and at some point later , Jimmy 's from Raising Hope . I wanted to wake up and watch the shows , but all I could do was chuckle at the voices , for I couldn 't see . I think I was dreaming WHILE I was watching the shows because I was definitely seeing things . I could see the entire room in black , but one corner especially more black than any of the others . In my blackout , what I was seeing was either totally real or totally not , but right next to the closet ( which I forgot to close ) was this blackPosted by " It 's hard to believe that just three days ago , a shooting at Kamiak High School in Mukilteo , Washington took place . Today , Kamiak is holding a memorial service for the eight teenagers that were shot and killed . To anyone that is mourning a death today ; Channel 7 News wishes you the best . Back to you , Diane . " Dad turned the television off . In just a few seconds , after the commercial break , the news channel will show a fashion show , a kid that survived leukemia , a faggot trying to show that it 's okay to be gay . The media doesn 't give a shit about anyone shot ; they care about the person who sees it . They 'd care less if half the world exploded . If it 's a way to attract more viewers , they 'll show it . Nobody is mourning but Dad , sitting silent slouched on the couch , dressed in black . Mom steps out of the hall , holding Little Sisters hand . They are silent . They too , are wearing black , and are ready to go to the Memorial Service . Mom has big purple circles under her eyes , she probably hasn 't slept . Little Sister sits there with a frown on her face , still a bit confused as to where her brother was . Little Sister did not understand . What is happening ? Why is everyone crying ? Why hasn 't she seen her big brother in three days ? A three year old can have a lot of damage done if you let them sit and think . " . . Are you ready to go ? " Mom asks Dad . Dad doesn 't answer . He hasn 't talked or eaten in the past three days . The last time he spoke to Mom was when he told her his perfect son was shot by a crazy kid . After a moment of anxious silence , Dad finally got up . He grunts and groans , but he has to get up . Dad is usually a big , strong guy , but he had lost his appetite , and was losing weight fast . Mom , Dad , and Little Sister make their way to the garage . In Dad 's big pick - up truck , he rides shotgun as he did on the way home from the crime scene . This , too , was unusual . He never let anyone drive it , except for his 18 - year - old son . Ryan was gone . Nobody could face that fact . Little Sister was bouncing in the backseat of the car , excited because she thought they were going to see him . And in a way , they were . After just a few minutes , they arrived at the high school . The parking lot was full , so they parked in a handicap spot . " What is the school going to do , kill my child ? " Dad thought to himself . " Oh wait , they already did that . " They make their way past lockers , including one with flowers all over it . This wasn 't Ryan 's locker , it was someone else 's . The three knew that Ryan 's locker would be covered in more . They find their way to the library , and this is where it all happened . Little Sister notices that there is yellow tape all over the door . She was too confused . She lets go of Mom 's hand , and goes to the door . She rips pieces of the tape off , and tries to push on the library door . Locked . The strange thing is that Mom and Dad were talking about how Ryan was in the library . Mom and Dad took Little Sister 's hand and they made their way to the library . Little Sister continued to stare at the library until they pass the corner . Sometimes in movies , Dad would see people cheering during memorial services , to celebrate someone 's life , not mourn their death . But this wasn 't the case . The gym doors were open , and there was pure silence . Spots were reserved for the three of them , right in front . Mom was crying . Little Sister wasn 't paying attention to the speaker . She was paying attention to her Mom . Little Sister started to cry too , but she didn 't know why . Dad sat there , and closed his eyes , and remembered one of the best times he had with Ryan . " And don 't forget , Ryan , you can 't let go of the pole . When the fish bites , reel it in . " Ryan was fishing for the first time , at the age of fourteen . It 's hard to believe this was only four years ago . Dad remembers how impatient Ryan was . It took Ryan nearly twenty minutes to catch a single fish . He caught a catfish that fought a good fight . After putting three more fish in the bag , Dad 's phone rang . Mom was pregnant , with Little Sister . Ryan beamed a smile , he always wanted a sister . Dad stood up from the memorial service , left the room , and went outside to get some air . He was sweaty , his armpits dripping . He still wasn 't ready to face his son 's death , let alone mourn it . It 's hard to imagine what this world would be like if everyone fit in , if there was peace at schools . Drama and popularity have infected schools with the need to be loved by everyone , or they won 't go to school . Girls sometimes don 't show up for fear of getting in a fight with one person . Guys don 't show up for fear of a fight at school . Would you rather be the most popular person in your school , or would you make your social life non - existent , so you assure yourself a better future ? Kids these days just don 't get it . They 're partying hard , and sure , that 's what kids do . But what they don 't see is themselves in ten years , is them scrambling for money and living off of their parents . If kids just went to school and listened to the bullshit their teachers are spoon feeding them , their life could be so much better in the future . Little Sister stood up on her chair , looking for Ryan . Mom set her back down on her chair . Little Sister had to sit through this old man talk about something that happened a few days ago , that she had no interest for . " Come on , " Ryan said . " Please go down the waterslide with me , Sis ? " Little Sister was scared , so she shook her head no . Ryan was disappointed , but he didn 't show it . " Okay . " Ryan always made her laugh and giggle . He taught her how to swim , and how to go underwater . Little Sister only cried when she got water in her eyes , but the pain from the chlorine passed . Ryan would put Little Sister up on his shoulders while he walked around . Every once in a while , he would jump , just to mess with her . He 'd put Little Sister on his back , and swim around , and she would just rest her head on his back , and sometimes even fall asleep . Ryan and Little Sister were the best pair . Bonnie and Clyde . Elvis and Priscilla . Siegfried and Roy . Not in the loving sense , but the partnership sense . Nothing could split them apart , except for two shots to the chest . Little Sister got out her seat , and ran out of the gym . She felt she knew where Ryan was . She screamed , loud enough for everyone to hear , " Ryan , I 'm coming ! " Mom got up and went after Little Sister . She opened the door going outside , but only found her husband . He was sitting on a rock , his face buried in his arms . " Your daughter is missing . She ran away , somewhere in the building . " Mom told Dad . Dad got up immediately , and they both knew where Little Sister was . Meanwhile , Little Sister ran to the library door . She pulled and pushed , pushed and pulled , but it wouldn 't budge . " Ryan , come out ! " She screamed . " Please , big brother , I miss you ! " She looked through the window into the dark room , but saw nothing . Little Sister then started crying . She wiped her eyes , tear for each finger . Mom and Dad ran to the library hall and grabbed her . " . . Where 's Ryan ? " Little Sister asked . Mom and Dad looked at her , and Dad spoke first . " Claire … Ryan isn 't coming back . He 's gone to heaven . God has taken him . " Claire , for the first time , understood what happened to Ryan . " But Dad , he 's my brother . Why would God take him from me ? Why does God make people sad ? " " I don 't think I like God . " Claire said . Mom and Dad were both very Christian . They took their kids to church every Sunday . They dressed them up , they did bible studies . They held hands at dinner and said grace before they ate . But this time , they let Claire think what she wanted to . And maybe , just maybe , it was God that had killed Ryan . No , not God , but Ryan 's faith in God . Maybe the shooters went through and killed who had thought that there was a heaven above us , and a hell beneath us . Maybe they picked out each individual student , and asked them for their beliefs . Maybe they left the kids who didn 't believe in anything , they left the atheists . " I 'm hungry , Dad . Let 's go to that Macaroni Place again . " The Macaroni Place was where they had their last dinner with Ryan . The restaurant laid paper on the table for them to draw on . While Claire was being carried , she closed her eyes , thinking and remembering their last supper . " Look , Ryan ! I drew you ! " Claire yelled . Ryan leaned over to Claire , who was standing on her seat , to see the smiley - face and stick body that she drew oh so well . " That 's cool , sister , but look at my drawing of you ! " Claire walked over on the bench to see a girl in a big empty plain , the wind pressing hard , her carrying a kite , and her hair going out . She had big blue eyes , long , beautiful brown hair , and a black dress that hung down under her knees . " This is you when you get older , Claire . " The picture had a yellow flower put behind her ear . " But , where are you , Ryan ? " Claire asked . " I 'm probably the one taking the picture of you with the kite . When you get older , Claire , you should go do this sometime , so the drawing is true . " Claire fell in love with the picture . Every day , Claire told herself she was going to marry Ryan , as all other little girls do with their father or brother . " Can I put this on my wall , Ryan ? " Claire asked . " Only if I get a big hug . " Ryan said . Claire walked right next to him , gave him a big hug , she squeezed too hard , and gave him a big kiss on the cheek . Their food came , and it was Dad 's last meal . They all had plates of different types of ravioli . " Hey Dad . " Ryan said . Dad stopped from his meal to look up at his excellent student , his quarterback son , his greatest achievement . " Yes ? " He didn 't have a care in the world . All of his friends had parents that were seperated , but it was okay , because his were still together and happy . The kid got into middle school , had his heart broken multiple times , and the only one to help him was his Mom . She waited for him all day to come home from school to cry in her arms and she could make everything better just with her warming embrace . Whenever he came home with a bad day , she would make him hot chocolate with marshmellows , his very favorite . They would sit there and talk about everything , and she would make her boy smile . When the kid grew up and became a teenager , his parents fell out of love , and one day , the mom just . . . left . It killed her to leave the boy that she had raised , but it felt she needed to , because if she stayed with the husband , all they would do is fight in front of the boy . The mom spent two full years away from the boy , seeing him only time to time , barely keeping contact with the boy . The boy and his dad weren 't too close , so he went to friends and girls for comfort . After two years away from his mom , the boy met a girl who took his heart and snapped it in two . He tried to talk to his dad , but his dad couldn 't help . He just didn 't have that embrace that his mom did . One day , while dealing with heartbreak , the Mom called to check on him . The boy , to take out his anger , yelled at his Mom , cursing and accusing her of abandonment . As much as the Mom tried to explain her reasoning , he never forgave her . The boy never filled the hole in his heart . He kept good grades , graduated from college , and began a writing career . All he could ever write about were past experiences and fun times he had with his Mom before she left . The boy found a woman that was able to make him happy and forget all of the bad things he endured while growing up . As soon as he found that she could make him happy , the boy married her . Whenever the boy and his wife had troubles , he nearly considered going to his Mom , but he could never talk to her , because she was the reason for his insecurity and lack of trust to everyone around him . The Mom , one day , dwelled over how much she missed her boy . She called her boy . The boy saw that she was calling , and didn 't answer . She nearly cried when she was leaving her message , " hey son . I just wanted to say , I miss you with all my heart . give me a call sometime . I 'm so sorry , for everything . " One day , the boy 's wife had a baby girl . They couldn 't decide on a name . It bugged them for quite a long time . About a month after the baby was born , the wife told the boy that she was no longer in love with him , and wanted a divorce . She did not take custody of the baby she had with the boy , knowing that the boy would be able to take care of the baby more than she could . It was an easy divorce , they remained friends , although the boy was still in love with her . The Mom heard from the Dad about the divorce , and she felt horrible , however , she saw the perfect opportunity to once again warm her boy with a loving embrace , so she went to a store near her son 's house to get him something special , and got back in the car to begin driving to her son 's house . She was so eager to see him . The boy 's wife was gone , and although the boy was grown up , he would always be her son . Driving fast and not paying too much attention , she ran a red light , while a semi truck was driving full speed , coming from her left side . It hit her , glass broke and shattered everywhere . The boy , driving back from work , noticed there was a significant amount of traffic . Seeing the car , which very much looked like his mother 's , he drove right up to the accident . He got out , forced the car door open , and pulled the mom out of the car . There were numerous lacerations from glass all over her arms , her neck , and her face . He held her in his arms , crying , and her last words before she left the earth were , " check the passenger seat . " she smiled , and closed her eyes . The ambulance showed up and took her away from him , but they knew they couldn 't save her . He sat there for a good amount of time , but he got up , and walked to his mothers car . In the passenger seat , sat a grocery bag . He grabbed the bag and gently opened it , and inside contained the only remaining passageway to his heart . Inside the bag , contained a box of hot chocolate , with marshmellows . He reached in the bag , grabbed the box , got back into his car , and drove home . There sat the baby , with thLooking at his baby , he named her after his mother . " Anne , " He took a sip of hot chocolate , which mixed with the taste of tears . " Your name is Anne . " |
Leave a reply When I first tried to pour my thoughts about my baby 's birth into words , I had to realize , I can 't tell you the story without telling anything about the nine months before . My pregnancy was not a " usual " one : I made it through as a single mom . It was the first time that I gave birth and although I never knew what it could be like to be pregnant in a loving marriage , I 'm sure the way I had to experience it , was different . On the one hand , I was forced by life to be strong and go on , no matter what happened , and I did , working until my due date and climbing the ladder with my big belly whenever a curtain had to be fixed . On the other hand , it felt extremely lonely sometimes . I was about 2 months pregnant when my boyfriend , Z . told me he was not going to stay with us . We have been together for 3 years and loved each other a lot - we still do - but there was a reason for his decision which neither of us could fight ( it 's another story , so I 'm not going to tell about it now ) . Anyway , we saw each other every other week ( he works in Austria , I 'm in Hungary ) and spent a little time together , when his full schedule allowed us an hour or two . He promised to be present at the birth and officially acknowledged the baby as his child so that we could name it after him . Why I 'm telling all this , is because this situation caused a strange mix of existence : I was left alone most of the time , but got all his support and love in those few moments we had together . It 's hard to imagine or understand this , but this was how I lived during my whole pregnancy . Not that I agreed with this lifestyle , but I had no other choice . To my surprise , my BF welcomed the idea of home birth , although it 's something considered to be very strange , dangerous etc . in my area . He just asked some questions and didn 't worry too much , saying , he trusted my decision , because he knew me and supposed that I had thought it over thoroughly . Since it was my first baby and I didn 't know what to expect from myself and my body , we decided to have a midwife present " just in case , " but ask her to let us labor alone as far as possible . It was not easy to find someone to attend a home birth at all : there is only one female ob / gyn in the whole country who practices it . She was very supportive from the beginning and accepted our birth plan . From the sixth month on , I very often had the feeling that this baby was going to come early . I even spent a week in hospital around the 25th week , because of some cramps and bleeding . However , as my due date ( Monday , the 9th of November ) came closer , this feeling disappeared and during the last week , I felt everything but being close to labor . Z . was in Hungary since Friday and planned to go back to Vienna on Tuesday , so I was pretty disappointed by the thought I have to let him go and call him back during the week . I had been taking a labor encouraging tincture for days , but it seemed to have no effect . On Monday evening , we 'd been intimate ( we always kiss each other good - bye pretty thoroughly : o ) ) , partly with the back thought that it may start labor . He left at 8 p . m . At 9 I called my midwife to tell her that I 'm ok and not in labor yet ( she had asked me to call her every other day around my due date ) . She said she was glad , because she just came back from another birth and wanted to have some rest . At 9 . 15 I called my mom while boiling some milk for dinner , to ask her for a recipe . I was just telling her that I didn 't think I would have the baby soon , when my water broke . It was funny : there I was , standing with the phone in my hand , having told " no baby today " to everyone , water gushing out of me and the milk boiling over . I didn 't know if the breaking water meant that contractions would come right away , but I thought so . I called my BF and we decided to talk in an hour again to see if contractions came . At 9 . 30 I called the midwife and told her she should better go to sleep immediately , because I was possibly going to wake her in a few hours . I wanted to labor only with Z . as long as possible , so we made up with the midwife that I only call her when I think I need her help . Meanwhile , the first contractions came , so I was sure it was labor . I called Z . and told him to come , but not to break the car in hurry : o ) , because I felt there was still a lot of time . Contractions came every 10 minutes when he arrived . He prepared the bed , the camera and everything necessary . I had written some notes for him from the books I 've read about home birth , so he knew what to do . I felt so safe and thankful when I saw him do everything like I wished and I knew he was going to stand by me with all his might during the following hours ( so as to understand how good this felt at that moment , you have to know how much I missed this feeling during the months before ) . Silence was almost touchable in the room . We instinctively lowered our voices and hugged sometimes . Knowing myself , I expected I would hug him all the time during labor , but it didn 't happen . During the last three hours , as contractions got stronger , I became extremely sensitive to touch and didn 't let anyone come close . It was also surprising for me that I didn 't make any noise until the pushing stage of labor , I just sighed every now and then . At 1 . 30 a . m . I asked him to check my dilatation ( I showed him months before how to do this ) . He said he couldn 't feel the opening of the cervix , but a little wet bump which might be the top of the head , covered with something that felt like skin . He was uncertain , because there was a lot of mucus all over that " bump . " I wasn 't sure if he felt the rest of cervix or the membranes , so we didn 't get wiser from this examination . By the feeling , I was sure I couldn 't be very far along yet . Soon I decided to get into the bath tub , because contractions became tiring and I thought the warm water would feel like having some rest . We didn 't time the contractions , but according to Z . 's estimation , they came every 3 - 4 minutes by then . The warm bath was great between contractions and I think it also slowed labor down a bit , but the tub was too little to find a comfortable position when a contraction hit and it made the whole thing very painful . Thus , I got out and went into the living room to look for better positions . I labored there until the end . At 3 a . m . I felt I needed the midwife 's presence , because that was the point I couldn 't imagine how I was going to make it through the rest of labor . Contractions were harder and harder to handle , and I felt it would be nice to hear from someone experienced that everything was alright . The midwife came at 3 . 45 , accompanied by a nice doula whom I knew from the childbirth class . They immediately took up the atmosphere of the room : they silently worked on my well - being in the background : boiled some water for warm compresses , brought me something to drink etc . The midwife checked me for dilatation : I was 5 cm . The FHT was normal , too . By this time I was either kneeling in front of the sofa , leaned on my BF 's lap or standing in a kind of ballet - pose on my toes with my knees spread out . The midwife and the doula didn 't come close or touch me , unless I asked . I liked this non - intervening attitude a lot , because by this time my body was so sensitive , I would even yell at Z . if he accidentally touched my belly while I was leaning on his arm . At 6 . 30 the midwife asked me to let her leave for an hour and get her children to nursery school , because the kids were left alone at her home . She said I had plenty of time and she would be back soon . This was alright with me , since I didn 't let her do anything for me anyway . So she left and came back at 7 . 45 . Meanwhile the doula stayed with us and called the midwife on her handy every 15 minutes to tell her how I was doing . During the last 15 minutes my contractions became " pushy , " but I felt I was not dilated enough and there was an enormous pressure on my cervix . I had to moan loud with every push . It sounded like a baby 's cry . Poor doula had a hard time , because it was the first birth she attended , but she knew from her own birthing experience that things could get fast very soon . I was totally at peace , because I didn 't know it was * that * pushy feeling and they didn 't tell me a thing , so I just trusted the midwife and thought there was still plenty of time . I just couldn 't imagine how on earth could contractions be any stronger ! The midwife came using the siren in Her car and shooting into the room where I labored . By this time I was already on my hands and knees on the sofa , because I felt I had to resist the pushing urge to protect my cervix from tearing . The midwife checked me and told I was 9 cm and there was only a small lip of the cervix in the way , which had made me feel I was tearing apart . This was the time then I realized that birth was imminent . I didn 't push consciously : my body did it automatically , with an enormous power , so the next thing I was feeling was that my perineum hurt . It hurt so much that I was begging the midwife to do something to protect me from tearing . She put a warm compress on my perineum and gave me some massage which felt really good . Meanwhile I told my BF to be there in case he gets a chance to catch the baby . Two more contractions and the head was crowning . It happened a bit slowly , so the midwife suspected that the cord was around the baby 's neck . She was right . The head was blue as it came out and the midwife started to maneuver him out . She loosened the cord a bit , but the head was still blue . By this time I was at the edge of my consciousness and I heard Z . 's voice , like from far away : he was encouraging me to push . I pushed with all my might , screamed out loud and the shoulders came out , while I was feeling I had exploded . The rest of the body just fell out , I didn 't even feel I was pushing . Unfortunately , there was no chance for Z . to do the catching , because the cord maneuvers forced the midwife to act quickly , but at that point I didn 't mind . It took some time until I gathered my thoughts back into my body . For a while , I was just shaking and panting and crying like a child . The first time I felt relief was when I heard a little cry , turned back and looked at his little face . He was not crying too much , but opened his eyes and looked at me . His head was not blue anymore , so I didn 't know about the cord maneuvers at all , until they told me afterwards . I asked my BF to look if it was really a boy , like we supposed , according to the ultrasound . He announced that yes , he was a boy , my first born son . I was crying and laughing at the same time , feeling all the pain and pleasure of the last months and the last hours focused in one great moment . The minutes that went by seemed like hours . Finally I asked them to help me turn back to hold my baby . They helped me sit on a chair and gave him to me . He was big ! I couldn 't imagine how he could fit into my belly at all . We weighed him later : he was 8 . 2 pounds and 21 inches . There are bigger babies , I know , but for the first time , it was enough for me to give birth to such a healthy - sized baby boy . I even had a small tear , but we decided not to do anything with it , because it didn 't affect muscles , just the skin . He nursed a bit , then the midwife clamped and Z . cut the cord . I handed him to his father , because it was time to deliver the placenta . I was so tired of pain that I took the idea of more contractions and pushing very reluctantly . Everyone was encouraging me to push it out , but I just felt sooo comfortable sitting there doing nothing . Finally I stood up . After some weak and ineffective pushes a real contraction came and the placenta fell out . Meanwhile , Z . was holding the baby on his chest , wrapped in a receiving blanket from the outside , but still having a lot of skin - to skin contact with him . He was glowing of joy and I felt , the love in me just doubled as I saw the loved one with that precious little new being in his arms . It was so unbelievable … Z . stayed with us for three more days and I think this was the happiest time in my life . The three of us were so close to each other … It was like heaven after and before such a long time of separation and loneliness . We named our son Levente ( it is pronounced like " lavente " ) . It 's an ancient Hungarian name that means " living " or " lively . " He is a strong , healthy and well - balanced little boy , so I think he will earn his name . My name is Ann . It was 1979 and my first baby was supposedly three weeks overdue . My doctor sent me in for x - ray pelvimetry , something I had no idea was both a dangerous thing for a baby in the womb and a useless exercise . He told me from that that I probably was " too small " to deliver this baby , but that he was willing to give me a trial labor . I was to check into the hospital Thursday morning for induction . The morning I arrived , I was brought up to a room where a nurse gave me an enema and a shave and got me settled on the labor table . She also got an IV ready and put an external fetal monitor on me . As we were waiting for the nurse who was supposed to stay with me through labor , this nurse noticed that I was having contractions , according to the monitor . I couldn 't feel a thing , but I got very excited . I thought maybe this baby would fool them all and come on its own . As it turned out , the staff was too busy that day to spare a nurse who could stay with me full time , and apparently when pitocin is being administered , you 're not supposed to ever be left alone . ( What does that tell you ? ) So after a couple of hours on the table , they came and told me they were sending me home . They told me if I didn 't want another enema the following morning ( believe me , I didn 't ! ) not to eat or drink anything before I came back the next morning . I went home really hoping that natural labor would kick in and I 'd have this baby without their Through the night I had some contractions that I could feel , but nothing ever got regular , so back to the hospital we went next morning . This time they lost no time getting me hooked up to everything , including the pitocin drip . At first the contractions were very manageable , and my husband and I were so excited . I remember the nurse chuckling and saying , " They all start out this way . Just wait a while . " Well , she was right , because before long they were very difficult to handle , plus I was vomiting and extremely miserable . I was made to lie on my left side , which made the contractions even more painful . My husband helped me breathe through them , but often I would just lose it and thrash through them . I felt like such a failure because we had been to Lamaze classes , and I felt that I should be able to stay in control , but I just couldn 't . My husband was sweet and supportive the whole time . Probably around 5 : 00 in the evening ( this was a Friday , now , remember ) , my doctor stopped by . He had been in a couple of times to check on me , but I barely remember him being much involved . I had dilated to 5 cm , but stayed there for hours . Now he had the nurse break my water . When nothing happened , he looked at the monitor and said something to the nurses , who then told me that the baby was in distress and they needed to do a c - section . For the first time during the long day , I was relieved of the drip and allowed to sit up in a chair . The contractions continued , and they were still painful . I felt like with each contraction I could feel the baby 's head trying to ram its way out through the chair . But I was so exhausted I was glad I was going into surgery to have it over with . I had not eaten for about 32 hrs . My son was born at 6 : 06 p . m . weighing 6 lbs . 12 oz . , with a head circumference of 13 ¾ " . I had a general anesthetic , so I was out of it for quite a while . I remember being groggily wheeled to my room and having my husband excitedly ask me if I 'd seen him yet , and wasn 't he cute ! He was so proud and excited . I was just tired and faded in and out as visitors came to see how I was doing and congratulate me . A long time later my baby was brought to me to nurse , and we fumbled the job pretty well . Periodically a nurse would come in and wake me up and make me cough while she pressed a pillow hard against my stitches . It was so difficult and painful . I just wanted to be left alone to sleep . My baby and I spent a week in the hospital , and we continued to have problems nursing . They were giving him water bottles , and when I 'd try to get him to nurse , he wouldn 't latch on properly , and finally they ended up having me use a nipple shield , which worked okay , but we never got the nursing thing down well until we were home alone . We were absolutely delighted with our little son , and I recovered very well after the week in the hospital . We weren 't planning on getting pregnant again any time soon . We were having a wonderful time with our little boy . But almost exactly on his first birthday , I found out I was pregnant again , in spite of using contraceptive foam . My doctor explained that I had a " tipped " uterus , which made it difficult to get the foam in the right place . I casually asked the nurse practitioner on my first visit if there was any chance I could deliver vaginally , and she replied , " Oh , no . The doctor never allows that . " It was no big deal to me . I figured after labor , a c - section was a cinch . So my daughter was born by scheduled c - section , weighing 8 lbs . ¾ oz . , with a head circumference of 14 ½ " . This time I had decided I wanted a local anesthetic , because I 'd read they were safer for mother and baby , and I 'd get to see my baby immediately after she was born . Plus I hoped recovering would be faster . The anesthetist paid my husband and me a visit the night before to try to talk us out of it . He tried to scare us that it was more difficult and it wasn 't the way he liked to do things . We believed it was better for us , and we were trusting God to keep us safe , so we stood our ground . Again my baby and I spent a week in the hospital and again I recovered well . The hardest part is standing up for the first time . I felt like my stitches were all going to fall out and my stomach was going to fall open . Once that trauma was over , things progressed well . I suspect in the back of our minds , we figured we had our boy and our girl , and that would be that . But I also didn 't want to trust foam again , and I didn 't want to go back on the pill . At that time I came across a book explaining a natural birth control method , so when my periods returned , I started doing that . My daughter was only ten months old when I got pregnant again . During the prenatal interview , when the nurse asked if we 'd been using birth control and what kind , I answered that we had been using a natural method . " So naturally you got pregnant , " she quipped . She was going to write down that we 'd been using the rhythm method , but I explained that it wasn 't exactly rhythm , it was called " The Billings Method . " That elicited the joke from my doctor , " Oh , is that when he 's in Billings , you abstain ? " It was very embarrassing , but I lived through it . My doctor scheduled this c - section two weeks before my baby 's due date . This really surprised me . I hadn 't noticed before that c - sections were scheduled well in advance of due dates . I had always harbored a secret desire that the babies would come early and thwart the c - section process . Now I realized that they never stood a chance of that . When I went in to to have an amniocentesis done to determine if the baby was ready to be delivered , it came back negative , and I was so disappointed to find out that I had to wait another two weeks to test again . Next time she was ready , though , and my second daughter was born weighing 7 lbs . ½ oz . , with a head circumference of 14 ″ . By the way , my doctor had offered to tie my tubes " while he was at it " this time . Probably figured anyone who was dumb enough to try natural birth control was dumb enough to keep getting pregnant . Fortunately for me , I had good counsel to not do anything permanent , so I declined . This surgery didn 't go so well , though . Again I had a local anesthetic , but there was a " window " in the anesthetic , meaning that I could feel a certain section of my body that had somehow managed to not get numb . As I was being sewed back up after the baby was delivered , I could feel everything . When I tried to explain what was happening , they at first ignored me , then didn 't believe me . I found myself reaching out from under the sterile drape trying to convince them I could feel the stitches and it was agony . That got their attention . I 'm not sure what happened after that . I passed out , either because of the pain or because they gave me a good dose of general . Immediately after surgery , there was a period spent in what they call the recovery room , where the nurses observe you until you come out of the anesthetic or apparently meet some criteria that indicates you made it through safely . In all three cases , I experienced uncontrollable shaking and chills . I thought maybe I was in shock , and it really scared me , but nobody ever explained it to me . My brother - in - law happened to know a couple of the recovery room nurses the third time , and they told him they were really worried about me . But , still , no one would say what went wrong . Later in my room , when my doctor came to see me , I asked him why it hurt so much . He snapped at me , " You knew what it would be like . " He wouldn 't explain anything more . The anesthetist came in later . He was the only one who seemed at all concerned or apologetic . But he , too , was evasive about what happened . I never did get an explanation . In addition , recovery was complicated by very painful abdominal gas . It was bad enough to make me cry , especially since it was in the same area where my stitches were . When I would ask a nurse for help , there seemed to be minimal sympathy . They put me on my stomach with a pillow propped under my stitches . Maybe that 's all they could do for me , but they acted like it was a pretty small thing to complain about . After that I didn 't even entertain the idea of another baby . Not wanting to take any chances , I got back on the pill . Unbelievably , when I went in for my checkup and to request a prescription for the pill , my doctor said , " You should have more babies . You 're so healthy and you come through so well . " Can you imagine the nerve ? He always acted like nothing had gone wrong . Several years passed , and the Lord began working on my heart , first just about being on the pill and the dangers to my health that imposed , but also enlightening me about how the pill works in two different ways . One way is to prevent ovulation , so one doesn 't get pregnant , but the other was to thin the lining of the uterus , so that if one DID become pregnant , the fertilized egg could not implant , and a spontaneous abortion would occur . I was devastated to think that I could have unknowingly been responsible for discarding a baby that way . So I convinced my husband that we shouldn 't use the pill anymore . We started using a new thing at the time called the sponge . It 's a spongy , donut - shaped thing containing spermicide that you insert . It was comfortable , and even though it always seemed to shift , it was effective . But then the Lord began to really go after me . Was it any different ? He seemed to challenge me , to stop a life after conception than to prevent a life from being conceived in the first place ? He showed me that if I had had my way , neither of my daughters would have been conceived , and I was struck how awful that would have been and how much I would have unknowingly lost . And I saw that He didn 't want me in charge of who would be conceived or not conceived or when . I was , however , less successful in convincing my husband right away to throw all caution to The Lord had also orchestrated a " coincidence " for me during this time where I " accidentally " tuned into a Phil Donohue show where he was interviewing two women about unnecessary c - sections . I listened in awe as they described the circumstances that had led me to my first one , and the lies that had resulted in two more planned ones . I found and devoured their book , Silent Knife by Cohen and Estner , and became convinced that I 'd been ripped off . With this pregnancy , I wanted those births redeemed . My husband and I agreed that we would not go back to the same doctor , but would find someone willing to give me a trial VBAC . This was a long , agonizing search . I was torn between a belief that my doctor should be a Christian this time and the belief that I should not be examined by a male doctor anymore . But the Christian doctor I interviewed had a " We can try it , but I wouldn 't get my hopes up if I were you " kind of attitude . He told me a lot of horror stories , and culminated with the one about the couple who decided he wasn 't the man for the job , and they 'd gone off somewhere else , and ended up having a c - section anyway and had to come back and ask his forgiveness . I felt really uncomfortable with what I perceived as not much faith in God 's natural processes . So I ended up deciding on a female doctor who was not a Christian , but who seemed to be very supportive of the idea . She was fairly willing to answer all our questions , although once , when I asked her if she would wait for the cord to stop pulsing before cutting it , she replied , " That 's bull - - . The cord doesn 't pulse . " I kind of wondered , but everything else seemed to be okay . Labor started on a Friday and poked along , off and on , throughout the weekend . Sunday evening it seemed to pick up some steam but not really take off , and I had an appointment Monday morning anyway , so we just went in usual time . The nurse could immediately tell I was in labor , but when my doctor checked me she said I was less than 1 cm . dilated . She had me go home and let her know how things went . Occasionally , she 'd call to see how I was doing , but it just kept poking along . Sometimes it was hard to handle , and sometimes it was barely there . On Tuesday around noon , when things hadn 't really picked up , she had me come back in . She checked me and I wasn 't much further along . She was concerned , though , when she detected a puddle of meconium - stained amniotic fluid . So she told us to go straight over to the hospital so they could start monitoring . We did . An external monitor was put on , but in almost no time , the nurse expressed impatience with its accuracy and said she wanted to put in an internal monitor . We knew that that meant breaking the water and also screwing a sharp thing into our baby 's skull . These were some of the issues we 'd discussed beforehand and said we didn 't want . Already we were being pressured to do it , and our doctor insisted she felt it was important . So my husband , already upset and feeling helpless , agreed . At the same time , my mom , who was taking care of our three older children , called to say she had taken the kids to the park and locked the keys in the car . My husband had to leave and missed the next comedy of errors . It took four tries to get the internal monitor attached correctly . Each time it ended up being hooked somewhere on my cervix or something . Finally they called in some supposed expert who never missed , and he missed , too . They did manage to get it in the right place , poor baby , in the end . I was pretty much confined to bed because of the monitor , but I did have a little bit of freedom to sit up rather than lie down . Still nothing seemed to be progressing . After several hours of contractions with no progress , the dreaded pitocin was suggested . I begged to be allowed to move around first to see what would happen . Because of the monitor , though , they still couldn 't let me go walking or anything , but they agreed to let me sit up in a rocking chair . I started rocking as hard as I could . Finally things started to move . The contractions got closer and harder and I could actually feel the baby move down . I had a really sweet nurse on duty for several hours in the evening who encouraged me so much , praising me about how well I was handling the contractions , and letting me know that progress was being made and saying she bet the baby would be born before she went off duty . Unfortunately it wasn 't . She went off duty only to be replaced by a nurse who breezed in , glanced at the monitor chart , and announced without explanation that I had to get back into bed . She insisted I lie on my left side , the absolutely most painful position to handle contractions I 've experienced , and almost immediately I was having a very hard time keeping myself under control . I began vomiting again from the pain , like with my first birth , and feeling like a failure . I was still only five cm . dilated , and there was kind of an unspoken assumption that since that 's where I got stuck before , that 's where I 'd stay stuck now . At that point I was pretty much given the choice of a c - section then or a trial with pitocin , so I opted for a trial , and things got worse and worse , more painful , harder to handle , etc . I was given an epidural , which was welcome comfort , but still nothing . Finally they decided they were going to give me another epidural and increase the pitocin , but before they increased the pitocin , they wanted to take a fetal sample to make sure the baby was handling the stress okay . Interestingly , there had been no mention of stress following the initial discovery of meconium , in spite of all the monitoring . When the nurse went to take the fetal scalp sample , she asked if anyone had checked me lately , and announced that I was fully dilated . Unfortunately , I had just had my second epidural , so , although now everyone was saying I could push , I couldn 't feel the contractions . After a couple of coached pushes that were ineffective , someone tried a vacuum extraction to try to get the baby down lower , but that didn 't do anything either . In the meantime , the baby 's sample was analyzed and the nurse came rushing back in alarm to say the baby 's oxygen level was way down , and they needed to rush over to surgery . On the way down the hall , my doctor , who I must credit with seeming quite disappointed , too , kept coaching me to push whenever she saw a contraction coming on the monitor , but the timing just couldn 't be well coordinated , and nothing happened . I went into surgery and my second son was delivered by yet another c - section at 4 : 30 a . m . Wednesday . He weighed 6 lbs . 8 oz . Because of the alarm preceeding his birth and the meconium , he was rushed to the neonatal ICU and had an intravenous feeding tube installed through his umbilical cord site and was put on oxygen . Within a short time , though , they admitted he wasn 't as sick as they thought he 'd be . Still , it was two days before I was allowed to hold him and try to feed him . In the meantime , I was pumping to get colostrum and establish a milk supply , and the stress and letdown and guilt were incredible . I felt like my husband was blaming me for insisting on trying this , and he felt like I was blaming him for letting everything get out of control . The baby was required to stay a full week to check for infection , but I was not allowed to . In order to be close enough to nurse him , I got special permission to stay in a little room in an old nurse 's dorm . Whenever it was time to nurse , they would call me . In the meantime , I was expected to pump to try to build up my milk supply . The stress increased because they would weigh him before and after each feeding and insist he wasn 't getting enough . One time the nurse even said he 'd lost weight during the feeding . He would seem content at the breast and wanted to nurse a long time , but I was often rushed and encouraged to be done . One time , when I was just relaxing and enjoying the nursing session , a nurse said brusquely , " That 's enough time on that side . Hurry up . " I also found out that he often cried right after I left , and they 'd give him the little milk I 'd managed to pump , then give him something else . Needless to say , nursing was not getting off to a good start . If my doctor asked me how much I got when I pumped , and I said quite a bit , she 'd wonder why there was so much left after nursing . If I said hardly any , she 'd wonder why my milk supply was so low . The next three months were a nightmare of the deepest depression I 've ever experienced . I was angry over the failure of the vbac and angry over the way I was being thwarted trying to nurse my baby . The day I got home with my baby , my milk gushed in . He gained four ounces in one night . But in spite of that , my doctor didn 't want me exclusively breastfeeding , and gradually the supply decreased . So on one side was me convinced if they 'd just leave me alone , I could easily feed my baby and on the other side them convinced I didn 't have enough milk and insisting I keep supplementing by pumping or with formula . My husband and I were as distant from each other as we 'd ever been in our marriage , and I didn 't care one bit , because my whole world seemed to have fallen apart anyway . I can 't explain how I got through that period of time , other than by the grace of the Lord . Eventually it was over . I had taken back control of nursing my baby and was out from under any doctor 's supervision . My son was doing fine . My husband and I now were in agreement to let the Lord have control of our family planning . So , not surprisingly , I was pregnant again soon after this son 's first birthday . I had done more reading in the meantime , and one book in particular was helpful . It was from NAPSAC and gave the names of some Christian midwives who might assist me with my next birth . This seemed ideal since I would this time have both a female and a Christian . My thought was that I would have a midwife with me during the labor and birth in a hospital to run offense for me against whatever doctor I had . Plus , I figured she would know a sympathetic doctor she had worked with before . I was sure my husband would not consider a home birth after how badly the last birth had gone . When I contacted the closest midwife and told her my situation , she was so encouraging and sweet . She was very excited that I would want to have a home birth . No , I hurried to explain , I don 't think my husband is ready for a home birth . She lived almost 90 miles away , so she referred me to someone much closer , another Christian midwife . As I talked to her , she let me know that she would be delighted to work with me towards having a home vbac . Oh , no , I rushed in , I really don 't think my husband would go for that . She offered to meet with my husband and me to talk things over . When I approached my husband about the possibility of employing a midwife and meeting with this particular one , I said , " But , I think I should warn you that I think she 's going to try to convince you that a home birth is the way to go . " I nearly fell over when he answered , " Well , I just don 't think we 're ever going to have a successful birth in the hospital . " Our meeting with this midwife was a turning point in our lives . She was a woman so full of faith in the process God had created to birth babies , and she was confident I could succeed . She put up with my many idiosyncrasies , such as backing out at the last minute of an exam by a male doctor who was agreeable to do backup for a home birth . She never hesitated to explain anything or answer questions . And when only two days before my due date tragedy struck when my sister 's baby died within hours of a home birth , she succumbed to only a moment 's panic , wondering aloud if we should quickly find a backup doctor . When I repeated that I felt the Lord had led us to her and that she was the one we were to stay with , she agreed immediately , and plans proceeded . My sister 's baby 's funeral was on Monday , and I began having irregular contractions during Sunday night . The funeral was about 90 miles away , so we called the midwife in the morning to see what she thought of me taking the trip . She didn 't think this first natural labor would go quickly , so we went ahead , planning on leaving our older children with my mom , and then coming home and giving birth ! After the funeral , driving home , I was excited to be able to feel real contractions about twenty minutes apart . When we got home around noon , we got the bed ready and our supplies out , timed contractions , and stayed in touch with the midwife . The contractions got closer together and harder , but manageable . I wasn 't at all experienced in how hard contractions got before they were serious , and I kept wanting the midwife to be there . Around 4 : 00 p . m . my water broke during a trip to the bathroom . There was meconium in the fluid . I knew from reading that this didn 't have to mean there was a problem , but I wasn 't sure how my midwife was going to receive the news , since meconium had been such a big issue in my last birth . We left the fluid in the toilet so she could assess it when she got there , and paged her . We waited and waited and she didn 't call . We tried again . Contractions were getting more intense , and we really thought she should know my water had broken . Finally she called and agreed to head on over . When she arrived , with an apprentice midwife along , she was confident and businesslike . She assessed the meconium as being light and not a problem . I was so relieved . The rest of the time she was just there to encourage me , help me through the contractions , make sure I emptied my bladder frequently , monitored the baby 's heartbeat , and helped me move from place to place . Mostly I was on the bed sort of semi - reclined , and that 's the position I was in when I was told I was fully dilated and could start pushing . Sometime during the pushing , my midwife said that there was too much blood . A moment later she was more emphatic . " We have to stop this bleeding . " We all started praying against the bleeding . My husband commanded it to stop in the name of Jesus , and the midwife exclaimed , " It stopped ! It was just like a faucet being turned off . " After that , though , she said the baby had to be born right away . I 'm not sure if it was because she was afraid the bleeding would start again , or if there was something actually wrong with the baby , and for some reason I never asked later on . But she had me push even when there were no contractions , and she sort of reached in and helped him out . She later said that was a miracle , because normally there would never be enough room to do that . The baby was fine , and I didn 't bleed any more , but when the placenta was delivered , it was folded in half ! The midwife said that probably meant it partially detached before the birth . I was so grateful that she hadn 't panicked right away , but trusted God and turned to Him first . Everything turned out perfectly fine . By the way , this baby weighed 8 lbs . 6 oz . , my biggest baby yet . Not bad for someone who was " too small " to deliver a 6 lb . 12 oz . baby . He was born at 7 : 24 p . m . The same midwife helped with the delivery of our next baby . He was eleven days " overdue " and I had start and stop labor starting Thursday and he wasn 't born until Sunday afternoon . She waited patiently for things to kick in . We finally called her around 1 : 00 a . m . Sunday when contractions started getting intense . She arrived shortly with two midwife assistants , but after listening to me breathe through a contraction or two , she dozed off on the couch . I was inclined to moan a little louder to make her more sympathetic , but anyway , nothing much impressed her , and we kept plugging away through the night . Contractions remained consistent and occasionally I 'd feel a little release or tendency to relax the pelvic floor at the end of each contraction . I kept moving around a lot , but eventually got tired and decided to settle in an incliner . The midwives moved drop cloths around me and propped a birthing stool under my feet , and once made me raise my legs way up and encouraged me to push , but it was excruciating , and I was hollering at them that I couldn 't stand that position . During one of the pushes on that chair , though , my water broke . No meconium ! I think that was around noon . Still I pushed and pushed with no results . They kept trying me in different positions . I remember that I had recently read that in some tribe they hang the laboring women from a tree branch so that gravity can help birth the baby , and I was starting to think they might as well do that with me , we had tried so many positions , and I was exhausted from pushing so long . It had already been a couple hours . Finally we really went to praying , especially confessing any wrong thoughts , since by that time I had been really railing against God in my mind about how this was going . Right after that , one of the midwife assistants suggested I try squatting . As I said , they could have hung me from a tree by then , so off the bed I went , got into a squat with my husband sitting on the bed to support me from behind , and in two pushes , out he came , at 2 : 43 p . m . ! Nine pounds 1 oz . this time , in perfect condition except for a somewhat odd shaped head , and all was well . My midwife had told me earlier in my pregnancy that she was not going to be able to attend this birth , because of legal problems she was having . Midwifery was not legal in our state at the time , but there had been a big push to get it legal , and a lot of the midwives had made a bold stand before the legislature with records to prove the safety of home birth , etc . , and in doing so , of course , had to expose who they were . Then , when the legislature voted it down , the attorney general had a lot of ammunition to use against any who continued practicing . In spite of this , after she had told me she couldn 't risk being at my birth , she later contacted us again and said she was sure the Lord was telling her to be at my birth . This woman is remarkably brave and full of faith . One thing I pressed for this time was to pass on the routine blood and urine tests , because I felt they opened the door to fear , and they had just caused unnecessary alarms that had been meaningless in my last two pregnancies . The primary midwife was not too thrilled , but my regular midwife was excited to take another step out in faith . However , my due date was nearly two weeks past , with only a hint or two of anything imminent . I was also refusing internal exams to avoid an accidental stripping of the membranes or any other risks , so more and more the primary midwife was coming to the conclusion that I was too difficult to deal with . When I hit the two week mark , she bowed out , saying ( not to me but to my regular midwife ) that she believed it wouldn 't be a good birth . Because of the conflicts we had had , I had been praying that only those people the Lord wanted at my birth would be there , and it turned out my sister had specifically prayed that this midwife would NOT be there . So , there we were again , and my dear friend in faith was not about to desert me . My labor started the next day , day 15 , around noon , but once again it followed the last labor 's pattern , consistent contractions of reasonable intensity , not painful , occasionally stopping for a couple of hours . I could doze in a chair from time to time and I was pretty uncomfortable . I walked a lot and squatted during contractions trying to keep things going . The contractions never were closer than ten minutes apart . This continued through Friday and into Saturday . My midwife had called on Thursday and knew about my pokey start , and we were sort of thinking maybe we wouldn 't contact her at all , to spare her from getting into any legal trouble . But on Saturday she called to see how things were going . Nothing much had changed , but she offered to come over She arrived around 8 : 00 in the evening and asked me if I 'd agree to an internal exam . I did , and I was 8 cm . dilated . I was so excited ! I had not been truly uncomfortable at all and had progressed that far ! I was sure the baby would be born before midnight . Unbeknownst to me , my husband had gotten a word from the Lord that the baby would not be born until Sunday , and that it was another boy . He had gotten the word Thursday night but hadn 't wanted to discourage me that I 'd be in labor that long again , so he had kept it to himself . Now he confided to the midwife to give her the freedom to go home and rest if she wanted , and a little later went ahead and told me , so that I wouldn 't get too excited too soon . I still figured , " Okay , 12 : 01 , what do I care ? " When things got particularly uncomfortable , I 'd head for the bathtub and soak in the warm water . Usually it slowed down my contractions and gave me a rest . Around 9 : 30 I was in the tub and I knew that , since it was Sunday , a fellowship of family members would be meeting at 10 : 00 , so we called them to pray that the labor would really get going . Less than ten minutes later , as I sat in the tub , my contractions picked up and I involuntarily pushed , and it seemed like a spurt of water came out . I hollered that I was pushing , and my midwife came and helped me out of the tub and to the bedroom . She set me up on a birthing stool and I tried pushing a few times . Then she decided to try me on my hands and knees on the bed . This seemed to be much more effective . After several pushes my son was born at 10 : 15 a . m . weighing 7 lbs . 4 oz . He came out with a gush of water - and meconium from head to toe ! My midwife had brought a special piece of electric suction equipment with her and she used that to clear out his nose and lungs . He didn 't seem to be having any problems . I couldn 't believe how good I felt immediately afterwards . I felt like I could run around the block a few times , I had so much energy . The Lord had provided me with incredible strength . It was a year and a half later before I got pregnant again , the longest natural spacing I had yet had . In that time my midwife had left the state because of their continued refusal to certify her . My husband and I didn 't really talk about it much . It was just sort of understood that this time we would do it on our own . It seemed as though the Lord had brought us along this road step by step , and now He had removed all the last props we had . As we approached my due date of September 24th , my husband thought he heard from the Lord that the baby would be born on the 15th and that it was another boy ! This time he didn 't keep it to himself . We fully expected it to come to fruition . We went out to dinner to celebrate our last free night for a while , and a couple of hours later I had some good real contractions . When I went to bed , they stopped . Around 10 : 30 I was awakened by a contraction and began having fairly convincing contractions about every twenty minutes . I really thought I 'd have the baby by midnight , and was thrilled to think I only had to go through an hour of labor . Beats four days any time ! But they petered out by midnight , and no baby arrived . My husband was under a lot of stress at work and at the same time his father was undergoing more cancer treatment and wasn 't doing well . So he was trying to spend a lot of time helping in that situation , while dealing with problems at work , and the baby 's lack of cooperation in arriving on time was beginning to tell on his nerves . In addition , being wrong about thinking you 've heard from the Lord about something tends to rattle your confidence ! My due date of the 24th came and went . One week went by , two weeks went by . At least last time I had STARTED labor on the 15th day , but that , too , passed with no sign . My husband was climbing the walls . Day 19 was a Sunday and my husband was at the very end of his rope . He told me that he was ready to present me at the nearest emergency room and tell them this baby had to be born NOW . He was very concerned that he was going to end up with a dead baby AND a dead wife ! I freaked and cried and carried on . He said since it was Sunday , he wasn 't going to do anything today . Finally , I asked if I could go for a drive by myself . I drove to our church 's prayer chapel and got on my knees before the Lord and cried my heart out . I was there about an hour . As I went out and stepped up into our van , I felt a little pop and an almost imperceptible spurt of water . I stopped in my tracks . My water had never broken prior to labor in any of my other births , and I wasn 't sure if that 's what had happened . I drove over to a nearby park and went into the restroom to try to assess the situation . My clothes were definitely damp , but not in any way soaked the way I would have expected if my water had really broken . I took a walk around the walking path , probably about a half mile , hoping to stimulate some contractions . Then I drove home and told my husband that I thought my water had broken just a little bit . I kept waiting for contractions to start , but when we went to bed , nothing was going on . Around 11 : 00 p . m . , I woke up with a contraction , and lay in bed waiting for another . They began to come steadily , about twenty minutes apart , strong enough to get me too excited to sleep . Eventually I got out of bed and went downstairs to walk around . At times I propped myself on the couch and could comfortably breathe through contractions and even doze on and off . When I went to the bathroom I was encouraged to see that I was beginning to lose my mucus plug . The amount of mucus loss increased through the night . Gradually my contractions got closer together . By morning , they were about ten minutes apart . My husband came downstairs around 6 : 00 a . m . and asked me what was happening . " Well , I think I 'm in labor , " I said . I didn 't know if I was looking at four more days before the baby was born , but because of the encouraging signs of the mucus plug going and possibly the water having broken , neither of which were consistent with my longer labors , I was hoping it wouldn 't be that way this time . My husband notified work that he wasn 't coming in , and I continued in consistent , only slightly uncomfortable labor all day . Around 5 : 00 , I was beginning to grumble that this wasn 't very much fun . My husband got the kids fed and around 7 : 00 gathered us all together to pray before putting them to bed . In the middle of that I had a contraction that I really had to breathe hard through , and all the little kids just stared at me ! The four little ones were put to bed , and the three older ones went downstairs to stay out of the way . I had really begun to believe something about my other labors that I planned to implement this time . That was , I wondered if a laboring woman can have an urge to push on one contraction , but not necessarily have it on succeeding contractions . With my first two natural labors , I had never felt an urge to push . It was just , " Okay , you 're fully dilated , start pushing . " I experienced a genuine urge to push with my last baby , but then was told to push with each contraction after that . I had really begun to wonder if this resulted in either a prolonged pushing stage , or stress on the baby . So I was determined that I was going to assess each contraction individually , and not fall into that trap again . Unfortunately , I completely forgot that resolve as soon as I had my first urge to push during a contraction while using the bathroom . It was around 9 : 00 , and afterwards I came into the bedroom , knelt by the bed , and said , " I 'm going to start pushing . I hope it 's not too soon . " But it seemed fairly apparent after about an hour that it wasn 't accomplishing much . I was getting very tired . Around that time my husband suggested I call my sister for encouragement . She has twelve children , five of which were born unassisted at home . She asked me if I was tired . I said yes . She asked me if I was discouraged . I said yes . She said , " Well , maybe that 's a good sign , " hinting that I might be in transition . I said , " Only problem is , I 've been pushing for an hour . " She said , " Oh ! Do you really think it 's time for that ? " I said I wasn 't sure . She recommended I try to really tune in to whether or not I was really having an urge to push . This was at about 10 : 00 . After I hung up , I got into the bathtub and soaked in the warm water . Initially this slowed down my contractions , but after a breather , they started back up again in very good form . It was very uncomfortable trying to get through contractions sitting in the hard tub . So I got back out , but kept my goal in mind of not pushing unless I really felt the urge . At times the contractions would roll one right into another , with barely enough time between to take a breath . Once in a while a contraction would end in a definite pushy feeling , and I 'd go with it , and others I could breathe through and stay in control . Finally I sank to my knees by the bed and started crying . I was pretty sure this baby was never going to come . At that very moment , a contraction came and I could feel the baby just about to come out . I yelled at my husband , " The baby 's coming ! Right now ! " He looked sort of surprised , and said , " Okay , " in a very strange voice . I wasn 't sure if it meant , " What am I supposed to do about it ? " or " What did you expect ? " He got behind me where he could see and during a contraction he said he could see the bag of waters . That frustrated me because I was sure the baby had to be on its way out . For a couple of contractions , the water bag would protrude and then recede . Then the baby 's head came and the water broke at the same time . My husband wanted me to keep pushing to get the rest of the baby out , so I tried , but nothing happened until another good contraction came . Then , with the contraction and push combined , the baby came the rest of the way out . It was 11 : 10 p . m . We were so sure this baby was going to be our fifth boy in a row that my husband kept referring to it as " him " . " We have to turn him over and suction him out , " he said , but when we turned " him " over , I laughed and said , " It 's a girl ! " She didn 't need any suctioning really , and she was the most beautiful color of pink . She started nursing right away after we wrapped her up , and my husband went to get the kids . I was still kneeling on the floor , and after quite a while I was getting stiff , so I shifted my legs , and plop ! Out came the placenta ! I didn 't even have a contraction ! I thought this was the best birth ever . It was almost exactly 24 hours from start to finish , pretty short for me ! I loved just having my husband near , and loved being able to call the kids to come see their new sister within minutes of her birth . It wasn 't particularly easy or pain free , but it was better than any of my hospital births , and even than my home births , with the exception of my first one , which went about the same way . I just think God is so good , and He wants birth to be very private and personal . Saturday , December 12 , 1998 , I was lying in bed at 7 : 00 a . m . , trying to squeeze a few extra minutes of sleep , when I heard and felt a funny little POP ! I figured my water had broken . I was afraid to get out of bed . I 'd never had my water break before the onset of active labor before . And I wasn 't expecting the baby , yet . This was my due date , after all , and I 'm NEVER on time ! Well , when I did get up and go into the bathroom , there was a definite extra gush of water , nice and clear , and I knew this was it . We were planning our second UC , and the timing seemed great , a Saturday , and my husband home for the weekend . However , " it " progressed at the rate of MAYBE one contraction an hour for the next 33 hours . Once in a great while , I 'd have two or three in an hour 's time , but never more . They were strong , but not painful . I wasn 't worried about the water breaking early , and several of my labors have started very slowly and dragged as long as four days , but there is usually a bit more activity than this . When labor finally got going , around 4 : 00 Sunday afternoon , it progressed very fast . I had back labor , so figured I had a posterior baby , or at least an odd position , which isn 't unusual for me . In addition , I had a pain across my c - section scar . Neither pain stopped between contractions . I got into the bathtub , but I couldn 't get the water deep enough to really help . When I got out , I wanted to get into my big tee shirt I always birth in , but I couldn 't even manage that . I threw a towel around me and practically crawled to my room , and when my husband showed up , he had to help me get into my shirt . I began needing to push , and pushed for about an hour , but it didn 't seem as if any progress was being made . I couldn 't feel the baby moving down at all . The pain was bad , and I was getting panicky . I wanted pain relief . Then we started seeing some blood , and that sort of scared my husband . I figured it was normal for there to be some , and it didn 't look like that much to me , but it did sort of dribble with each contraction . Later I found out that was pretty normal , but we weren 't sure at the time . I really kind of played that up , I 'm afraid , trying to get my husband to take me to the hospital . I actually wanted him to call 911 , and have an ambulance come to my door and give me a nice shot , and put me out of my misery . I was in a bad mental state . He had also seen some meconium , although he hadn 't mentioned it to me , and I hadn 't seen it myself . He got our son to drive us to the hospital . I knew as soon as they started helping me out to the car that this wasn 't what I really wanted , except the thought of pain meds was very appealing . I was praying the baby would come in the car and it would be over . But we got to the hospital , went to L & D , and when they saw that I was fully dilated and pushing , wouldn 't give me anything for the pain ! I pushed about another hour , in an awful position , in stirrups and half reclined . I had a horrible cramp in my right hip , which I always have during labor , and that position allowed no relief , but aggravated the pain . The baby kept coming down and then going back up , and they used a vacuum extractor that wouldn 't work properly ( Praise the Lord , as I found out later how risky their use is ! I saw a 20 / 20 show just a week or so later , and was horrified ) , and the doctor kept mumbling about how he couldn 't figure out why the baby didn 't just drop right out . I was tempted to suggest that maybe if they 'd let me stand up , he would , but I was sort of in the frame of mind that I 'd come crawling in looking for help , and now had no right to express any opinions . The baby was turned in a funny position , but the doctor didn 't seem to think that should be keeping him from coming down . There was a lot of meconium , but the baby was never in any distress . He never had any decels . They suctioned him on the perineum just with a bulb . I got sick of their telling me not to push and did it anyway , and the rest of him plopped out . Then they took him over and used a machine , but they only got a very little bit of cloudy fluid from him . The cord was wrapped around his body a couple of times , but no one acted as if that was the problem , either . The Lord was really there for me , because as soon as they found out I 'd had c - sections before , they could have sent me in for another . Not only did He save me from that , but He didn 't even allow me to be cut with an episiotomy ! I 'm so in awe of that ! Also , once it was over , I was so glad , of course , that I hadn 't gotten any pain meds . Because of how long my water had been broken , they put an antibiotic in an IV , and I did get some pit to deliver the placenta . No one asked . They just did it . The doctor asked how long it usually takes for my placenta to come , and my husband said something like twenty minutes . " That 's a long time , " the doc said . Sure it would be , if you weren 't sitting happily in your own home , cuddling your own baby at the time , but rather were in a cold , sterile room , in a hurry to get on to other business . Then twenty minutes probably seems like a lifetime ! The worst of it all , unfortunately , is everything that happened after to my little son . Since my water had been broken so long , they insisted on keeping him in the special care nursery for two days and putting a tube in his tummy for antibiotic treatment in case he had an infection . He had so many poke holes in him from blood tests . I feel really bad about that . I didn 't get to nurse him for four hours , but after that we were able to do well . The nurses were very nice . Word got around that we didn 't have insurance , so they were making efforts to cut costs for us . Only , it wasn 't true . We did have insurance ! I found that rather odd , but really a blessing . Maybe they would have been more inclined to section me if they had known we could well afford it . I 'm horrified to think how easily I could have gotten sectioned , and that I thought I didn 't care at the time . But I would have been in the very depths of despair afterwards if I had . The Lord was faithful even when I wasn 't . Some things had happened in our families during the last year that had made me have a lot of fear , and I wasn 't trusting the Lord at all the way I should have been . I wasn 't prepared spiritually for the battle , and I think the Lord had to deal with some pride in me , as well . Please , don 't misunderstand this . I do NOT believe that we have to be in some sort of perfect spiritual condition in order for the Lord to " reward " us with an uncomplicated UC . I just really know I was not turning to Him or even trying very hard to trust when the going got rough . I sincerely pray that this story does not discourage anyone from having a UC , because I 'd have another in a minute . I don 't have any way of knowing how things would have turned out if I 'd stayed home . I feel in my heart that all would have been fine . My husband is less sure and doesn 't have the regrets I do . But I know he 'll go for UC again , too , if we 're so blessed . I also wonder a lot about the spiritual element of going into the hospital . I mean , the moment I hit those " hallowed halls " I became a ranting lunatic . I behaved abominably . I 'm sure I didn 't do anything much for giving UC ' ers a positive image . The nurses were kind when they said I did " fine . " I never behave like that , even during the worst part of labor , at home . It was like surrendering control at the door . I found it very unsettling to look back on , and even felt like an idiot while it was going on . Maybe I 'm just trying to place the blame other than squarely on my own shoulders , but it seems weird to me . It is hard to deal with the disappointment . I was depressed and cried for two weeks . Most people felt I should be grateful that I had my healthy baby boy , and not be concerned about where or how he was born , and of course , I am completely grateful for him . He is wonderfully precious , and I feel extremely close to him . Finally I wrote out what I was thinking and why I was so upset and gave it to my husband and three oldest children . That helped a lot . It especially helped to tell my husband how I felt , and to know that he felt okay about the transfer . I felt particularly bad because I had raised so many issues to keep my husband from considering taking me to the hospital when we had our FIRST UC ( modesty , drugs , risk of being sectioned , dangers , etc . ) , but when it came to MY fears and pain , all my supposed convictions went out the window . Very humbling . I am praying that the Lord , in His graciousness , will allow me one more chance to trust Him through labor and birth . I know at the age of almost 47 , it would be a very special blessing to have another child , and I am trusting that He knows what would be best for me and my family . I don 't want to want another baby just so " the story ends the right way . " So , since I can 't really trust my own motives , I must trust that He will only give me another chance if it is because that 's the way He wants the story to go . |
I do not want to repeat a day like today : it was too perfect . Days like today cannot be repeated . I relished every moment of it . The Italian word is " godere , " and according to the dictionary a form of that word is to reference " gustare spiritualmente " which I will indirectly translate to be " tasting spirituality . " ( It actually translates to " tasting spiritually " but I like my translation better . ) I did everything I wanted to do today . Every moment of the entire day was directed entirely by me . And it was just me and Samuel time together , all day long . I slept in , I took my time petting and fondling my dog 's furry little head and body this morning in bed . I ate throughout the day . We went on little walks through the housing complex where there is grass and dirt and other things to sniff . I spent some time with Irvin Yalom through his writings . I drank loads of tea all day long . I spent several hours doing laundry in the afternoon , after leisurely reading my book " for fun ! " I didn 't turn on my computer . I vacuumed the corners of my room , which is a rare occurrence . I bathed my dog ( he needed it ) . No one called me on the phone and I rarely spoke unless speaking to my dog . Most of the time that I did spend on my phone was listening to Daniel Siegel talk . The two authors I mentioned are pretty much my favourite authors right now . I 'm glad I discovered them ( one through you ) . All day long I have been writing to you in my mind . I have been composing sentences to you , and thinking about how I would phrase certain things when it came to the end of the day and that it would be time to write to you about my day . I suppose not much else needs to be said . Posted on April 25 , 2017 by depressionmuse I could spend the next twenty minutes studying . I have been wanting to catch up on the reading I missed out on during my intensively - paced introduction to child development course . I read tonight 's chapter about substance abuse while on my patio at home and at the pool laying in the sun over the warm weekend . I wasn 't able to get all of the reading done for tonight , however . I am lacking on one chapter . I am choosing to do something , rather , to ease my mind , because studying takes concentration , and there 's only so much concentration in a day a person can take . I didn 't get as much done at work today as I could have and I don 't mind . No one is looking over my shoulder . There are days where I strive to be my best , and there are days where I just " am " . I give myself a bit of a break . I cannot imagine , however , doing anything but my best when I am a therapist . I 've been told that I am preppy , that I have a hard time giving up control , that I like to tell people what to do . What else comes to mind ? I know I have high standards for myself . I 'm not so sure I like the word " preppy " because it seems to have a negative connotation . I have a month left in my abnormal psychology course and I am getting about 100 % in the class thanks to some extra credit points which were offered . My 92 % in the 8 - week course was kind of abysmal . My 4 - week 3 - unit intensive course netted me about a 96 % which is decent . If I get 98 % I 'm not satisfied because I think , " I could have done better . " But of course , I have to remind myself that I cannot be perfect . Perfectionist . That 's another one I 've been called . These are all new traits that I 've developed in the last year . I didn 't know I liked to teach and that I enjoy being the " boss " . Maybe those qualities were within me , but they were hidden , undernourished , and dormant for all of my 20s . Age nineteen was the last year I had of freedom before the darkness really started to creep into my life . Now I 'm 33 and applying to graduate school . It 's something I have always wanted to do , at least for about half of my life . Five years ago I could not have foreseen myself being in the place where I am today . Gratitude . Maybe this is a journal of gratitude . Can I list all of the things which are great about my life ? I certainly don 't need to remind myself because I am living it every day . But then again , my moods shift and at times they plummet , and the reality is that I do need the reminders . I have a nice home . It is quaint and affordable and I have some nice possessions like my wall mirror , my L - shaped light green couch and my teak wooden lounge chair on the patio . I have my first and my own dining room table . I 've never had my own dining room table before . Not since my marriage ended . I have a life . I have a life that is worth living . I have my therapist and a few friends and my immediate family members which comprise the entirety of my social support . Although now I am my mother 's supporter , and it 's as it should be . The roles have shifted and she needs my support now , and I am strong enough to be able to be there for her . Although I am extremely attached to my couch , the first piece of expensive furniture I bought after my divorce , I would actually give it up in an instant . I would give it up if it meant helping someone I love . I would give it up in an instant if the decision seemed imminent . But , I am not in that position right now . I just have to recognize that my possessions don 't own me . I own them . I gave away all of my nice ceramic painted planter pots when I had to downsize . No problem ! I have simply bought new ones . Things , physical things , can be replaced . People and experiences cannot be replaced . I need to keep this in mind . I own so many things which I treasure : my paintings , my tea cups , my piano keyboard which rarely sees the sight of my fingers , some of my shoes even . As much as I enjoy having those things and using them , I need to remind myself that things , physical things , are replaceable . I keep repeating this because things , physical things , are what define my mother . The things she owns own her . She has not dealt with the traumas of her past and she cannot get rid of anything . She hoards and she will be moving out of her three bedroom home which is completely full of possessions , everywhere , on every surface , and they will be put in storage . I am not sure she will ever be able to afford a home big enough again which will fit all of her things . All I can do is be there for her , visit her , talk to her , accept her for who she is . I can pray for her healing , but that has to come with a willingness which is not currently there . Not yet . I can always hope . Posted on April 17 , 2017 by depressionmuse I have been doing a lot of thinking lately . I always do a lot of thinking . Yet processing the events of yesterday have required a concerted effort on my part . The events occurred over a period of just over an hour . To be exact , we started at just around 2 : 00 and when I walked out it was 3 : 13 . The number 13 has been significant in my life for a long time . I think in general , it is an unusual and unique number . It is a prime number and an odd number . " Everything happens for a reason . " Alejandra kept repeating this phrase during the beginning of our session . I had an appointment scheduled to see my psychotherapist at 2 : 00 on Saturday . When my friend , who is also my assistant at work , told me about her experience about her " reading " I was really intrigued . I 'm really not into this sort of thing . It has interested me but not to the extent to where I have really done anything other than a cursory Internet search on the topic . I have never looked into it before . My upstairs neighbour got some tarot cards a while ago and said he wanted to start learning how to read the cards . He had downloaded an app on his phone to help him . There are so many cards in a pack , and all of them and their meanings have to be committed to memory . " God said to me , I gave you a gift and you need to use it . " Alejandra was talking about the time when she was homeless and living out of her car on H Street in her neighbourhood , which isn 't in the best area of town . " How did you get food ? " I asked . " I went to 7 - Eleven on the corner of the street , " she replied . Thirteen years ago her father had died on a Monday . That same week , her mother died the following Saturday . She was relating to me in that she was in a deep depression . She had gone to a psychiatrist and he prescribed pills to her . Antidepressants , presumably . She said to him , " That 's it ? " " Yes , that 's it , " he replied . She walked out with the prescription . No talk therapy . That 's all that was offered to her . She took a pill on the first day and by the time the second day came around , she took one look at the bottle and poured the contents down the toilet and flushed . " I am not going to take pills when have the power to heal myself , " she said to me . " What if there is a chemical imbalance , like I have ? " I asked . I had already told her that I take three different kinds of medication daily for depression and that I really , really need them to stay balanced and okay . She told me that I can do it . That slowly , very slowly , I can come off of the medications . It 's called titration but I didn 't tell her that . I knew what she meant . She was very kind to me especially while relaying this information to me . While she was homeless she was giving readings with her tarot cards to her friends . She didn 't charge them . If they asked her if she wanted payment she sort of just shrugged her shoulders . They would give her five dollars , here and there . " Nobody helped me out when I was homeless , " she told me . No one gave her money . She was down on her knees and praying and that 's when God told her she needed to use her gift . He told her that she needed to always be honest , because the day that she isn 't honest in using her gift , he will take that gift away from her . She doesn 't do this for the money . I know she is telling the truth . She only charges $ 50 for a reading , whereas others around town charge $ 100 or more . My roommate cleansed our home a few weeks ago by burning sage and we both said prayers throughout our home . We cleansed the entrances and our rooms of nightmares and bad dreams , and any bad energies that might have been there . She suggested I do a cleansing with a healer , i . e . a psychic medium . From a quick Google search she sent me a few links and each cleansing was advertised at $ 150 . No way am I going to spend that kind of money when I can spend that on seeing my psychotherapist instead . So when my assistant started talking to me about her reading , even before knowing the cost , I was very intrigued . Alejandra had told her to not wear black on Fridays because it is bad luck . She didn 't tell me that . She also told my friend that the man she is with is not for her , and that she sees her doing something in the medical field . Funny you mention that , said my friend to this lady , I just signed up for nursing school . There is no way that Alejandra could have known that previously . She told my friend to stay single for a while and to focus on herself . It sounded like such a positive experience that I wanted to have the same thing done to me . I wanted to get my reading done . When I first arrived at Alejandra 's home , I was very nervous . She lives in a very modest one - bedroom apartment on the first floor of a gated community in a decent but not the best of neighbourhoods . The main room smelled delicious and the air was filled with a type of incense . There was a curio cabinet full of interesting items that were all similar . There were several shelves of what looked like glass bells , with all sorts of designs on them . I asked to use the restroom . She directed me to her bathroom , to which I walked through the bedroom to get to . Her bedroom is modest and small . There was a hair pin under the stopper in the sink and I was tempted to take it out because it looked out of place , until I realized that the pin was keeping the stopper up , so that water could run through it underneath . It had a purpose . There was a digital scale under a cabinet which I tried to briefly use but I couldn 't figure out how to get it to work and I didn 't want too much time to pass , else she might wonder what I was doing in her bathroom . She has a lot of perfumes on display . There is a small , brown leather couch with three seats in it in the living room . I believe there was a carpet but now I 'm not so sure . There was a fold - out card table just barely big enough to put cards on , and a foldout chair on the other side of the card table opposite the couch . I placed my purse and an extra bag I had brought on the floor and sat on the couch immediately . She then asked me to sit in the small chair . My back was to the front door and to my right up against the wall was her altar , which consisted of about five large porcelain glass figurines of different angels . There was a smaller box , very small , with what looked like a dollar bill stuffed into it . I surmise , as an offering to the angels . There were a couple other smaller items on the altar , which was a flat surface on top of a small wooden cabinet , which looked like it also served as a space heater because there was a knob or dial to turn on heat and an electronic furnace on the bottom of it . She was about to sit down to start our session when she said , " now I have to use the restroom . " Several minutes later she came out of her bedroom very animated and said , " my phone fell in the toilet , I hope it still works . " She got out some Lysol sanitizing wipes and started wiping down her phone . She kept repeating , " I hope it works " and then , " It 's not working , it 's not working . " She used a kitchen towel to wipe down the sanitizing moisture and continued to swipe her phone . The screen was on , and nothing was working . Suddenly she asked me , " you must be very nervous ? " I said , " yes . " That 's when she said , " that 's why . Everything happens for a reason . " I was tempted to ask her to clarify what she meant , in that I understood it was because I was nervous that her phone fell into the toilet . I held back and didn 't ask her because I had already understood that . I was also tempted to apologize and say , " I 'm sorry " but I held back because I knew it wasn 't my " fault . " It was just something that had happened . She came back to the couch while continuing to make comments about her phone and trying to get it to work . " Do you mind if I move this ? " she asked , referring to my purse . Before I could answer verbally , having already nodded my head in consent , she moved my purse to the couch . " It is bad luck to put your purse on the floor . " Taking that information in , I noted how I literally always have my purse on the floor . When I sleep at night my purse is on my bedroom floor . At work , my purse is on the floor . Now I am going to start placing my purse on my hope chest in my bedroom and locking my purse in a drawer during the daytime at work . I never knew this . First , she said she needed to cleanse the energy of the previous person off of the cards . She took the incense burner which was to her side and placed it on the card table . Fanning about five to seven cards at a time she waved them over the smoke of the incense until she got through the whole pack . Then she asked me to shuffle the stack in any way , three times . After that I was to separate the stack of cards in three ways , the first pile laying face down horizontally , then the next vertically , then the next horizontally , simply indicating the break in the pile which I had chosen . I didn 't pay much attention to how she dealt out the cards and ordered them ; it happened too quickly for me to catch on . While dealing out the cards and looking at them , she read them out loud to me . " You have been hurt very badly in the past , " she said . I didn 't have to tell her that it had been in a relationship ; she already knew that . She said that his energy is still with me and that I need to forgive him and to forgive myself . She said the first time he hurt me , it was his fault . The second time … I stopped her . I knew what she was going to say and I told her that . " You 're going to tell me that it was my responsibility . " " Yes , you could have said no , " she said . " I did say no . I said no so many times . He wore me down . " I , of course , didn 't want to take responsibility . But in a kind way , she said that I need to forgive myself , and pray for God to enter his life . " Yes , he said that he was Jesus sometimes , " I told her . " He does not have God in his life . " She said I need to imagine him visually before me and to pray for him and to forgive him . Later in the session she told me he is not going to live long . That had been after I asked her if my mom will live a long life , which she affirmed with a " yes . " I was allowed to ask her absolutely anything , but by the end of the session she had told me so much about myself and my future , I could barely think of anything else to ask . She told me that I need to forgive the person in my past relationship before he passes away . I told her that he likes to do dangerous things like flying airplanes . He is a pilot . He also likes to drive at extremely fast speeds on any roads , even if they say 15 miles per hour . She repeated that he is not going to live long and that I need to forgive him . I told her that he had gotten remarried last year and that he is probably doing the same thing to the new woman he is with . " That is not your problem now , " she told me . She told me that I need to get closer to my family . Without me having to tell her , she knew that I am in this city alone and that my family is not around me , for whatever reason . I did not fill in the blank but said , " my friends are my family here . " She told me that me and my brother are my mother 's entire life , that my mom lives for us . She said that my mom loves me and that I mean much more to her than my brother means to her . She told me that I need to go visit her as soon as possible . " What if my mom comes to me ? I could buy her a ticket and she can come visit . " " That is fine , " said Alejandra , " as long as you see her soon . " I told her that my mom is moving and that she will be even further away from me . " Just visit her as soon as possible . " " Okay , " I said . " I see you sitting at your desk all day long . What do you do for work ? " she asked . She was right . I am glued to my desk . I explained to her that I work for financial advisors in the field of finance and that I schedule appointments for them , and that I am on the phone all day long with my headset on . She nodded in understanding . Before that she had told me that I am looking to get a better job . She was also right . I told her I am looking to change my career . Before I had even told her that I am going to school , she said that I am fine financially right now , but that I will struggle a bit in the future . She was right , because when I start school , I am planning to take out loans . When she had learned that I am in school , she said , " you are studying something like psychology . " There is no way , no prior indication , which would have let her know that information . " Yes , " I said , " and I am applying to grad school to become a marriage and family therapist . " She was looking at five cards spread out with one in the middle and four at each corner . She told me that my dreams will come true and that I will be successful in my career . " You want to have children , " she told me . " Yes , " I replied enthusiastically . " She told me that I will have two children . I told her how I am thinking of freezing my eggs this year because after 35 I will be considered advanced maternal age , and that the risk of birth defects including down syndrome increases significantly . I told her that freezing my eggs is expensive . " You can afford it ? " she asked me . " Yes , right now I can . Should I do it ? " She didn 't answer me but took out her other phone , her personal phone which had not fallen into the toilet , and showed me a photograph of a woman who , at two years older than Alejandra , is 49 , and was surrounded in the photograph by three people . Two of those children were older girls , one looked like she is a teenager , the other in her middle to late childhood . There was a third child . This child was a boy and looked abouPosted on March 5 , 2017 by depressionmuse I am going to keep living my life . I am going to keep on inspiring others by continuing on with my life no matter what obstacles come in my way . I don 't care if I inspire one or a hundred people . One person can make a difference . If I touch one person , just one person , then my mission , my goal , my heart will be complete . Every day is a battle in it 's own right . Every day I face challenges that have to do with my mental health . It 's just like everyone else in the world ! It 's called being human . My struggle on the grand scale of life may not be monumentous , but it has been for me . In trying to end my life , I have begun my new life . I have formed a new identity and a new way of thinking , feeling , and living . I have something called self - esteem , and it 's not based on my looks and my sexuality like it used to be . In fact , I am celibate , and sex does not enter my life at all . It 's by choice and it 's for a good reason . I want to have a child some day , and I 'm planning on going to a sperm bank to make it happen because I never want to have sex with a man again . That might change one day , but this is where it stands now . Next month it will have been five years since the day I left my abuser . I literally packed my car with everything that would fit in it , mostly clothes , and drove for nine hours straight to the other side of the state to get away from him . I wish that would have been the last time I saw him , but unfortunately I ran into him once soon thereafter . He was mocking me by asking if I had children now , when he saw that I had a child 's car seat in the back of my car because I was helping my friend take care of her child . And yet , I was still unhealthily emotionally tied to him , attached to him . Even though it was I who left , it was not I who had filed for divorce , and I was emotionally not even close to being ready to leave him . It was the physical urge , the sexual abuse , the fear , the act of self - preservation , which had led me into action by packing up my car and leaving . And so , before he left me that one time , he asked to have one last kiss . And that kiss was deadly because it was tender and gentle . The years of psychological manipulation came to a front and messed with me for months thereafter . I was torn at being in the process of divorce yet still believing I loved him . It was because of the love that I had stayed so long . It was because of that unhealthy bond and extreme level of attachment and forced dependency which made me allow him to abuse me . I had been vulnerable when he started dating me : I grew up without a male role model or model of how a healthy relationship should be . I was angry with my mother for a life of inconsistency and unhealthy boundaries between mother and child , and having suffered the wrath of her keen temper . I was a teenager and not yet fully mature . And his manipulation started from the get - go , only I did not notice it . I thought we were Romeo and Juliet , forbidden to be together , yet violently in love . The passion was dangerous and that 's what drew me to him . And he said he loved me . He said he loved me so that he could get sex . It started before I wanted it to start and I would haveI am sober now . I am sober from having been addicted to a violent passion which ultimately destroyed the entirety of me : my self - esteem , my self - worth , my view of myself , my mental stability , my connection with my family and healthy friends . He gave my vagina as a commodity to every single one of his friends except for his equally narcissistic gay friend . The only difference between his friends taking me , without moral regard to the fact that they were married and whose partners assumed they were in a monogamous relationship , was that his friends didn 't pay him to do with my body what they pleased . I went along with it and by then I was completely brainwashed . There 's no other way to put it . No sane person would ever let this happen to them unless under extreme circumstances . Everything about my life was extreme . In fact , he was a daredevil flying fighter jets and often driving 100 miles per hour on a 65 mile - an - hour road limit or even on 35 mile per hour roads . I hated it and he knew that I hated it , but he was too self - centered and too narcissistic to care about how it affected me , because he kept on doing the things which I hated . And although it was obvious that I disliked those things , I mostly kept my mouth shut . I didn 't speak back . No , that 's not true . I was a normal , self - preserving human driven by the instinct for survival . Of course I talked back . Of course I said " no " . I said no in many ways : verbally and physically . I used to push him away and say " no " and " stop it " and " I don 't like it " . I used to clasp my hands over the naked entrance to my vagina to stop him from penetrating me with his violent hands . To no avail . He always won , and he wore me down with daily persistence over the period of years . I was with him because we were attached by the invisible , cultural and moral code of marriage , and I naively believed in the phrase " until death do us part " because my father had died when I was three and a half . I took the fact that we were married very seriously . He peeled my hands away forcefully from the entrance of my vagina . He forced me to wear scant clothing which barely covered me , so that I would be vulnerable and sexually attractive to him , but mostly to others . He was addicted to watching other men take me . There was no sense of protection and everything about my life was reckless and unsafe . He adamantly denied me the use of condoms . He pimped me out to hundreds of men over the years and it is only to God 's grace that I do not have HIV . I do have HPV but my doctor told me that it is supposed to go away over time . I was shocked when I found out , although I shouldn 't have been surprised . No one wants to hear such news . I understand that HPV can cause cancer . I don 't want to develop cancer . I want to live and I want to become a marriage and family therapist and I want to help other people who have been victims of abuse , terror and neglect . Humans can be the most despicable of beings when they cause harm to others , to children of all people . They cause indelible suffering . But in helping , in becoming a therapist , I can be a part of the healing . My therapist pointed that out to me . Even though humans can be so horrible , there are others who have the power to cause positive change and to elicit healing . I want to not only inspire ; I want to heal . I want to have the healing power that my therapist has passed on to me . I want to employ that power for my own personal gain , which is the feeling of pride , of having made a contribution , of feeling good for having helped another person . I know I don 't have to become a therapist to do those things . I can let a pedestrian cross the road even if there is no crosswalk . I can let a car on the freeway into my lane before me . I can smile at a stranger in the grocery store thereby sharing with them that there is kindness and gentleness in the world . I can be a big sister through the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization . I can love another woman 's child by being a dedicated friend and consistent positive presence in theirChange is difficult . To change one 's thinking takes years of training in therapy . It is challenging . There 's no other way to put it . It has been one of my greatest accomplishments to date . I know now that I can make things in my life happen . I have the confidence to be able to envision what I want , and to cause things in my life to go in that direction . I have the power to make my dreams come true . I have the power to respect myself . As my best friend , who is my sister from another mother , put it : self sacrifice is one of the greatest acts of self love . Knowing that has slowly changed my life . When I spent five months studying for the GRE , four months into it , when I was really struggling with the maths quantitative portion in particular , she gave me this gift of insight . I didn 't believe it at first . I didn 't want to . But the way to show your child your love is to make sacrifices . And she told me to be my own mother , a mother to myself , and to love me by making sacrifices for me . The emotional energy , the strenuous commitment , the time spent studying : that was and is one of the greatest acts of self love because it is getting me towards where I want to be . I will do anything it takes to become a licensed marriage and family therapist . It is a long road of study , practice and training ahead and I am not daunted by the looming challenge of these years upcoming years of struggle because I know they will get me to where I want to be . I am me , I know I can be fully me now , and I have nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to be the best me that I can muster . Posted on February 5 , 2017 by depressionmuse It has been a while since I last posted because I have been focused on other things , such as studying for school and working on my new creative art project which involves my three passions : photography , poetry , and painting . Of course , those are endeavours that are outside of the 40 hours a week that I work . My life is so much richer and fuller now . It wasn 't always like this , and not so long ago , as recent as last October , one of my biggest complaints was still that I was unable to get out of bed on the weekends . I would often spend 18 hours or more in bed , yet I managed to get up for work on the weekdays . I didn 't look forward to weekends . My therapist often reminded me that I was making a choice : that I was choosing to stay in bed for almost 24 hours at a time . I was feeling consistently very depressed and it did not feel like a choice . It 's true : I did spend the last 14 hours in bed and only got up at noon . But right now I am not bothered by it because it did feel like a choice . I went to bed very early at 9 : 30 and woke up at 7 : 30 feeling refreshed . But I didn 't want to get up , not really , so I chose to go back to sleep . It was a choice , and had nothing to do with depression . I am still seeing my therapist two times a week , down from the recent three times a week before he started teaching at the university when the Spring semester began . He teaches in the Education department and works with students who will be spending their careers working with young children . He knows a lot about human development , and how the growing mind works , and what is appropriate for different developmental stages . I am going to be starting a ten - week group therapy course this week for survivors of sexual assault . It will be at a community center which provides housing for women and their children who have escaped domestic violence situations . I needed to find a group that was not for survivors of childhood sexual abuse , because that is not applicable to me , and most groups that I looked up on the internet were for that subject matter . I wonder if there will be members of the group who experienced ongoing sexual abuse for a number of years , like I did , not just one time . My therapist told me that because it is a new group , a new cohort of women who have not met before , there are others who are probably also afraid of starting this group . I am feeling scared and I admitted to my therapist yesterday that I don 't feel like I am ready for this . He reminded me , basically , that I am in control and that if I need to step out of the group because it becomes too overwhelming , I can . No one is forcing me to go to this group and if I decide it 's too much I can even drop the group and stop attending . I have no idea what this group is going to bring up in terms of feelings for me . My hope is that it will be healing , listening to others who have been through what I have been through , reminding me that I am not alone . I know there may be a lot of tears . I realize that painful memories might emerge . I am actually taking time off of work so that I can attend this group , because it starts in the late afternoon before I get off of work . Currently I am not dating anyone . I have been on multiple dates with four different women , and after some time , I have realized that the special connection which is required for love to form , is not there . Or perhaps it is that I am not attracted enough physically and emotionally to the person , and that there might not be enough intellectual stimulation and room for growth . This one woman who I saw four times over a period of three months , I really liked her . I wanted to hold hands with her and to kiss her . That never happened and the frequency of our meetings was not enough for me . I wanted to see her more often but her schedule did not permit that . For now I am focusing on my education , my new creative art project which will take place over the next year , my friendships , and therapy . Psychotherapy is the most important component to my life . It provides emotional stability and feeling connected to someone is so vital for me to continue to heal . I love my therapist deeply . There has never been any physical contact between us . I may have shook his hand the first time we met over eight years ago . I often feel like I want to hug him but I know about boundaries in the therapeutic relationship and instead of hugging him I simply tell him when I feel like doing it . Telling him is enough and I know he can appreciate the gesture and my expression of the feelings I have for him . For a long time I thought of him as a father figure . I know that is counter transference . But I needed it at the time . I needed a protector , someone to take care of me . Since I started paying him a year ago , no longer pro bono as a client , it has helped to establish the boundary and I know that he is not a friend , but my therapist . He is not my father ; he is my therapist . The therapeutic bond between a therapist and their patient is , once again , vital to the healing process . I am preparing for the life that is ahead of me . I feel happiness more often than not , and peacefulness in my heart and in my mind . Occasionally , lately , I feel lonely , but that feeling only stays for a short amount of time , and then it goes . There is nothing that is really missing in my life right now . I have a full life and it will only start to become fuller as time goes on . I had an episode a few weeks ago whence I got triggered and felt extremely suicidal . It was an emergency . I called the suicide hotline and then took the rest of the day off of work and was able to see my therapist within a period of two hours . I 'm sure there was a lot to write about to help me process the event , but I chose to deal with it in other ways . I suffered for a short amount of time , two days , but it was intense . I had a plan to commit suicide and I had the intent to carry through with that plan . I was convinced that it was the right thing to do . The pain that had emerged suddenly was too much to bear and I needed to end my life . Seeing my therapist for an hour that day made me agree to not kill myself , and slowly over the next days that suicidal feeling dissipated until it was gone . It had been about six months since I had last felt suicidal , and those six months were quite the record . Although I had been very depressed , I had not been suicidal . Before that , suicidal thoughts and feelings came up about once a month for me . It was very difficult getting through those times . I am ready for my future to begin . This is my new life and no one can take it away from me . I am in control of my life . I am an independent woman and I know that I am strong . I provide for myself financially and I am going to put myself through graduate school by taking out loans and then paying them back . I pay my own rent , I buy whatever groceries I choose to buy , I choose what to wear and I choose to be abstinent . I am choosing to attend group therapy starting this week and I choose to continue my healing process . I am in control and I get to be genuinely me now . And I am allowed to love myself , finally . I have waited a long time for this . Posted in depression , Finding my voice , healing , Hope , Inner strength , learning , loneliness , Mental illness , Peacefulness , Poetry , psychotherapy , recovery , Self Care , Success , unsuicide1 Comment That which sustains me You are my healer . Actually you are my helper and I am my healer . Actually love and time and patience and resilience and strength and understanding are my healers . You have done and continue to do so much for me . I 've also been wanting to thank you for making therapy affordable for me . It really helps . It 's so important that I am paying you now and soon it will have been a year that I started paying you . When you first decided to take me on as pro bono I had no idea . I just kept paying you my copay and assuming you were charging my insurance and it was only much later after my separation that I discovered you were doing this . You mean so much to me that words will never adequately describe the feeling I have for you . It 's attachment . You have taught me about attachments . They are so powerful . So powerful . I remember telling you at one point that I wanted to get rid of all the money my ex - husband was giving me for alimony . I wanted to spend it . I thought it was dirty . Little did I realize then that it would end and I would have to be healed enough to finally get a job to sustain myself . I think that having this job and the challenges I have been through in it have also helped me to grow and heal . And financial independence does a lot . I would be doing very poorly financially had I not received the unexpected extra alimony as income earlier this year . I can 't believe it 's almost 2017 and that 's the year that I start training for my professional career . Actually I have been training for it all my life . I am ready for this and I am ready to truly and effectively pay forward all of the help and love and effort and dedication you have shown me . I definitely have faith in humanity and I have faith in myself . Nothing will ever stop me from achieving my goals of becoming a professional helper like you . And I happen to know for absolute certain that you will never leave me and that you will always be by my side . You saw me yesterday in the middle of the day even though you hadn 't planned on it originally . We don 't live our lives for each other , I know that we have our own lives . But the time that I spend with you , and all of the time in between , is , well , meaningful beyond belief and healing . Now that I have healed so much , even though there will be more work toward that ahead , now the real learning gets to start , and that 's now the fun part ! When I was going through trauma I was numb , then I was in denial , then I was in pain beyond comprehension . And all that while I wanted to kill myself . But now that the fog of depression has lifted and the crippling desire to be dead is gone , now I have space to learn . I can absorb information more readily and what I learn now I am able to recall . You have patiently repeated lessons and phrases and concepts to me endlessly until it was no longer necessary , like the concept that the pain will one day end , and my favourite phrase " not yet " , and my even more favourite phrase that " feelings come and go but I remain " . I 'm still actively learning about that last one . You know , the promise and agreement for me to one day write you a handwritten letter of how I am doing has had some of the biggest impact on me , even though at times I have fought it . When I wanted to die you reminded me of that promise . And you always are able to find angles that I can relate to and that eventually speak to me . Like if I don 't care in the moment about not having had my own children yet , that I haven 't yet experienced being an auntie to my brother 's future child or children , that that got to me earlier this year . If you call my ideas brilliant sometimes , like my idea of going to the jacuzzi instead of writing about my past trauma , then , well , you are brilliant too . I know that you are human which means you aren 't perfect and that one day your physical body will no longer be with me , but you are everything to me . You are my world , or at least for a long time you were the only attachment I had to the world and to staying alive . At times I didn 't even want to stay alive for my mum but I knew that I had to stay alive so that I could see you again , and I lived off of each of our meetings , from one , which sustained me , to the next . There was a time when I was doing so poorly that you were seeing me every day . I don 't actually remember that time but I wrote about it and recently read about what I wrote . There are some things that I have forgotten or that are buried so deeply in my psyche that they are almost unreachable , and that that is a very very good thing . With that all said , I want you to know that I love you and I am looking forward to my future and to our future , you and me , and how our relationship will continue to evolve . This isn 't " the letter " that we know I will one day write to you , but I feel that it comes very close to it and that it 's good practice . And I also believe that it will not be just one letter that I write to you , but a series of letters . Posted on December 23 , 2016 by depressionmuse There are so many things I could be doing right now . I still have two more essays to write for my grad school applications . I could be writing in my personal journal . I could be writing my thank you cards to people at work who gave me holiday gifts . I am on vacation now . Staying with my Mum . It took nine hours to get here . The Christmas tree is lit and there is holiday spirit . I have joy in my life yet my heart also lays heavy because I love my Mum so much . Basically I want her to move in with me and I want to take care of her financially so she doesn 't have to worry any longer . She works so hard and doesn 't earn enough and does a job that is far below her level of a Ph . D . just to have an income . Her husband has been unemployed for a year . He doesn 't contribute . He doesn 't do any chores . He doesn 't buy groceries or write checks for paying the bills and he doesn 't cook . She has to do everything for him . I know it would be a huge life - changing decision to make . She has been with him for 15 years . Not all of that time has been pleasant . Actually , I don 't believe most of it has been pleasant and plenty has been far less than pleasant . I sent out some Christmas cards this year . I sent one to the victim advocate at the district attorney 's office and got a lovely email reply . She is so supportive . She calls me strong and inspiring . We are going to keep in touch . I sent a card to my psychiatrist and my former DBT therapist at the hospital . Occasionally I leave her voicemail messages every few months to give her an update of how I am doing . I remember telling her once that I am going to come back and take her job one day . She said she would love to give her job to me and she sounded sincere . She has a very important role at the hospital and if I were able to reach her level of accomplishment that would be a huge achievement . She wants the best for me . I saw my psychiatrist last week right before I had gotten triggered of something from the past . I won 't go into it , but it 's basically a bill from the city saying that I owe them monies that I don 't think I should have to pay from three years ago and this bill was not a part of my bankruptcy . It brought up memories from the past and strong emotions . It was completely overwhelming . I felt very angry . In the past when I used to get angry , my mind would just straight to suicide as a solution . I went back to that old coping . I told my psychiatrist that I would rather be dead and that I wish I had died when I tried years ago . He asked me if I had any plans to go forward with a suicide . I said no . He asked me if I will stay safe . I wouldn 't answer him . I was so angry and I didn 't want to be safe . To be honest , it was shocking and scary that my mind jumped straight to suicide , but as my psychotherapist pointed out the next day , this happens with much less frequency than it used to . The last time I felt suicidal I believe was in the summer time . That is a long time ago . After talking with my therapist I decided to leave my psychiatrist a voicemail message letting him know that I will stay safe . We are seeing each other again in less than three weeks . I think he wanted to check in with me sooner because he was concerned , and with good reason . A professional in the business knows to not take it lightly when a patient says that they feel suicidal . Even though I occasionally feel suicidal I don 't think I 'll ever attempt suicide again . I think I have healed enough to the point where I am past having to go that far . Because I am doing so much better in my life I have been able to do more things on the weekend … by choice ! I haven 't had time to stay in bed with my eyes closed and sleeping for 22 hours a day on the weekend . I am doing so much better . Earlier this month I took a roadtrip with a friend to watch my second youngest cousin 's dance performance at her university . She is majoring in dance and minoring in English . I want to be friends with her and we have never really connected as adults . I remember when she was still wearing diapers . Now she 's going to be 21 years old . She wants to be a professional dancer in a dance company but her parents are not so supportive . I was glad to be able to visit with her today . We talked about her school and her plans . She was willing to listen for a while during which I gave her a lesson on investing and starting to save for retirement . I suggested she invest in a cd ( certificate of deposit ) at her credit union where she banks . I don 't know if she will do it but at least I planted the seed of thought and hopefully it can germinate . And I will certainly remind her . I feel like a big sister to her even though she does have two older siblings , a sister and a brother . I wanted to tell her all about my life and my plans for grad school . But just as a big sister does , just as a therapist does to her patient , I didn 't talk much about myself . We talked mostly about her for two hours and I was glad to do it . Even though I will be in school and studying will be intensive , I am going to try to go to some more of her dance performances next year and the year after that , while she lives within driving distance of me . Because the dance companies that she wants to work with professionally are on the other side of the country and I wouldn 't be able to just go for a short weekend trip . Now that I am doing better , now that I am no longer in and out of the hospital for suicidal ideations , now that I have been able to hold a steady job for a year and a half after not having worked for five years , I am able to add positivity to other people 's lives . My mum no longer has to worry about me surviving and not killing myself . She knows I am doing well and we have been able to connect with each other and strengthen and repair and heal our relationship this year for the first time in my adult life . It took a long time to get here . She knows that moving in with me is an option , although it would be a huge life change . I don 't want her to have to work . I just want her to live a free life and have space to heal her wounds , her sorrows , her heart aches and her anxieties . She took care of me for the first 18 years of my life and I want and need to give that back to her . She hasn 't been able to save for retirement . I told her not to worry because I will take care of her when she is no longer working . I will take care of her when she is no longer able to take care of herself . Along with becoming a therapist and becoming a mother one day , my calling is to take care of my mum . It is the least I can do for her , and will never make up for the bad years of her life but if she can live a free life in the moment without having to look too much into the past or the future , then maybe , maybe she can experience true happiness . I want her to have peace . |
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