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Today , I took X - man to the Y . It 's the first time since school started where he 's been in the big kid playroom . He was excited to go though because it had been forever . The last time we were there , he tripped and fell off the climber and got a small scrape / bruise in the middle of his back . They texted me during my work out ( of course , I was in the pool sans phone ) . But they gave him ice and cuddles until I was there 10 minutes later ( we got lucky on the timing ) . I ran into our neighbors today , and their daughter was excited about seeing X - man in the playroom . Then I went upstairs and got on an upright bike . I tried to do my pre - surgery workout of doing a hill setting on level 10 . It was fine , until I got to the 5 bars of " peak " performance . Then the pedals got so heavy that my recovering foot couldn 't handle it . I took the bike back to a manual setting and did a 15 - minute workout . Then I got off , cleaned it off and went into the track to do a 30 - minute walk . As I made my way around the track , I noticed a bunch of people working out like mad . The YMCA has started a Crossfit group , and this looked to be the more experienced group . I knew two of the ladies from MMO . They were awesome . Strong , fit , healthy . Seriously , sweaty and beautiful . I sighed and remembered when I , too , used to do crazy things with kettle balls and jump ropes . It was a huge dose of self - pity , so I vowed not to look down when I walked around for the next 30 minutes . I was doing what I could do . They were doing what they can do . ( Lord knows , I couldn 't do the pull ups , even with the stirrup bands . ) The plan to look away worked maybe 1 out of 3 times . But in the end , I felt pretty good about my 45 minutes of cardio . And , I start working out with Kari on Thursday at 11 a . m . One step at a time , right ? I walked over to the weight training area and did some arm and shoulder work . I ran into Special K . Then I did some walking lunges and some stretching and ran off to get X - man , who had managed to fall down again . He said that his back hurt a lot , but he wouldn 't let me look under his shirt either there or at home . The Child Watch people said they looked at it but couldn 't see any kind of bruising . They said he was mostly surprised that he 'd fallen . But it was a successful workout . I felt pretty comfortable . Three weeks ago , my PT had me do a two - legged calf lift , transfer weight to my sore foot and then lower down . I couldn 't do it . Now I can do it - - on a 1 / 2 of a foam roller , and I can pick up my foot . We 're probably around 60 % back to where I was before the injury . If we can get me to extra weight baring for things like pushing the heavy bike pedals and jumping at a volleyball net and jogging , I 'll be ever so happy . I 'm so excited . For years , I have wanted to read Harry Potter to X - man , but he wouldn 't let me . He could not get passed the idea that Harry 's aunt and uncle disliked him and made him live under the stairs . But now that he 's been on a roll with the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars , he 's interested . I told him that if he could stomach Lord of the Rings ( the movies ) he was totally ready for Harry Potter . But the deal is I have to finish the Fortune Wookiee chapter book we 're reading right now before we can start on it . Usually we only read 1 or 2 chapters a night . But since , he 's given me permission to read HP , I read 75 pages to him on the way from Bloomington back to Savoy yesterday . : - ) Forget the cow . . . I 'm actually doing very well at this dairy - free thing . I 'm not as resentful as I was before , but maybe that 's because my library search for a lot of vegan cookbooks ( they don 't make a lot of ovo - vegetarianism specific ones , and most vegetarian - only cookbooks use cheese ) has come back with a lot of recipes I 'm not only interested in eating , but am happy to make . Today , we took X - man to Chuck E . Cheese in Bloomington because MacTroll 's brother was driving from Peoria to Wisconsin today and he left his camera at our place . So , we arrived at CeC a little after 9 : 30 and X - man and I went in . MacTroll waited a few minutes and then gave them the camera . It sells soup and sandwiches and salads and is a pretty small , but enjoyable space for a quick lunch . I had the V , DF , LF Split Pea Soup . X - man got a cup of potato and cheese soup , but he thought the guy said cheesy potato chip . : - ) He also had a grilled cheese sandwich . MacTroll had some kind of cup of beefy soup and half a sandwich . We saw This is 40 at the Savoy 16 . It was an odd experience . First of all , there were a million people there for the 6 p . m . movie . They were waiting in incredibly long lines . But no one was at the automated ticket selling machine . So we parted our way through the line and bought our tickets in 60 seconds flat . Then we went into the movie . Since it was Judd Apatow , I was hoping for dumb and funny mixed together . I 'm not a big fan of his other movies . But for some reason , I thought maybe I could identify with this one . But I couldn 't . The characters were very shallow . It was like watching some kind of strange anthropological study of a culture you just couldn 't understand but were trying not to look horrified . Because on all counts , Leslie Mann ( born 1972 ) is hotter and smarter than Megan Fox ( born 1986 ) in this movie . . . and it 's hard to pity that at all . In essence , I guess the whole thing was just very Southern California . What is deemed in the film as " mid - life " problems for this family were pretty - - petty . It was super fun to see the family and for X - man to have kids around . He was so excited about it that he couldn 't spend the night in the tent with his cousins . He said it was too hard to shut his brain down , so he spent the night on my yoga mat in his Buzz Lightyear sleeping bag on the floor of our room . We 've been getting him to bed by 9 : 30 every night , with his usual 30 - 45 minutes of reading stories time , so we 're not doing too bad . Lily , on the other hand , was flabbergasted by all the people . I have nieces and nephews that are quiet steppers . Unlike my family , who are all loud steppers . So , children would arise and come upstairs for breakfast and Lily would freak out . " Where did you come from ? Have I met you ? " Bark , bark , bark . Then she 'd sniff them and they 'd pet her and she 'd remember and calm down . But five unknown kids and four unknown adults makes things interesting for her . Plus , none of them have dogs , so they totally took her for a lot of walks , which she appreciated . My father - in - law wrote a book about his many years working for Caterpillar . He asked me to proofread it so I started on the preface this morning after the family all left . It 's a memoir , so it reads very easily . X - man had only one real setback this Christmas , when miracle upon miracle , I was able to find a white Wii U . I ordered it online from Toys R Us . It came , X - man opened a Wii U game first and said , " Wait ! We don 't have a Wii U . " Then he looked at me , ran back to pick up the heavy box , unwrapped it and started to hug it and repeated " Thank you , thank you , thank you ! " Great ! Awesome ! Except when MacTroll took it downstairs , it didn 't work . We tried a few things and then he went upstairs to look online . Blinking blue light = Wii U D . O . A . Lots of disappointment . But my Dad did get X - man a copy of Lego Star Wars Clone Wars III for the Wii . And we just popped that in . And any disappointment seemed to lessen . I think Nintendo was happy MacTroll waited two days before calling their customer support line , too . We have to send the console back in and they 're sending us a new one . But I think the guy on the other end was glad there wasn 't a verbally abusive parent with a sobbing kid in the background ( or lots of kids . ) Overall , it was a very enjoyable Christmas . I have lots of good books to read and a new fuzzy robe . And I also get to start on doing the paint touch ups on the house and finish up getting ready to sell . It 's coming so quickly now . In case you didn 't know , I sometimes , to take my mind off of the real world , read People . com . I giggle and laugh a lot at what people find newsy or interesting . The obsession with the royal family , that Honey Boo Boo child and , of course , any new hook up or break up . It feels like fantasy . They 're fit . Crazy fit . And I can 't wait to get my foot back so I can be that way again , too . Because holy cow , has my body had enough of sitting . And I want to wear my old pants again . So as we get closer and closer to me going back to a regular life , I am getting excited . I start to see my friend Kari for workouts on Tuesday and Thursdays . I still go to Physical Therapy on Tuesdays and Fridays . I work on Mondays and Wednesdays . I attend Rotary and volunteer at Carrie Busey on Thursdays . My weeks will be full again . And I am so excited to get my life back . Posted by Last night , the first graders at Carrie Busey Elementary School had a holiday concert , where they sang carols . They asked us to be there by 5 : 30 p . m . So we were on time , but I had a feeling getting there 30 minutes before the concert began was going to be a problem . X - man was amped and ready to go the minute he went in the doors . But there was nothing for the kids do until the concert started at 6 p . m . , and since we were in the gym , they felt like running . So a slew of kids started a game of tag . He stopped twice to hug both of his first grade teachers . About 5 : 50 p . m . some kids started getting lined up on the riser . X - man figured no adult had told him to stop playing , so he kept running . The next thing we knew , he was sitting on the ground between the two audience areas crying . This is not unusual for events like this . They 're really not built to be successful for children with social anxiety issues . I guess one of his friends said something about how it was time for him to stop running and to sit down . X - man inferred that what he was doing was bad . So he cried . He doesn 't want to be bad . He was having fun . How can having fun with his friends make him bad ? He crawled up in my lap , but it wasn 't making him feel better . I noticed Awesome 's Mom had moved from her folding chair seat to the wall on the far side of the gym . Awesome wasn 't sure if he wanted to sing or not . So , I headed over there with X - man . The music teacher starting singing songs with some musical friends , and X - man got upset that they 'd have to wait even longer to go up there . He started crying again . " Why are they singing at our concert ? Why do we have to wait more ? I 'm so tired . " X - man told me he was suddenly scared to go up there . He was afraid of all the cameras . What if he got nervous and started to cry again and all the cameras took pictures of him crying ? Then he noticed that the smartboard with the lyrics didn 't have the lyrics on them like it was supposed to , and he cried about that . The principal went to see if he could fix that for him ( because like most people , if there 's something that can be done , he 's the kind of guy that will totally " make it so . " ) He missed two songs . " I practiced so hard , Mommy . I want to sing those songs . " He started to cry again . I told him that we could go home or he could show me what he practiced and sing in my lap or he could give standing up there a try for at least one song . He wasn 't sure . He tried to take me with him . But then changed his mind . That 's when one of his teachers , Mrs . Cabutti , came over and backed me up . He hugged me and I walked him to the edge of the audience . Then he ran up there and waved me back to the wall . Like a trooper , he sang the whole concert staring at the lyric board reading along . If it got off track , he 'd try to look up to the words on the screen projected on the wall for the audience to sing along . He put up his hand a time or two to block out some of the people with their cameras out to help him not be so afraid . You could tell he was nervous , but he was rallying . And then something unexpected happened . A first grader 's little brother climbed up on the risers next to X - man . X - man thought this was pretty adorable . He likes the unexpected . He kept his eye on him and tried to help him out . He figured he just wanted to sing , too . He even picked him up once , wondering if he could return him to his mother or if it was okay for him to stay . : - ) Besides crying , the other way I know X - man is working on emotions in his brain is that he chews on everything . His sleeves were in his mouth most of the night . He seeks sensory feedback when he 's anxious , it 's also when he has most of his sensory sensitivities ( shoes or socks are uncomfortable , itchy underwear , etc . ) But at the end of singing , " All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth , " He turned and smiled right at me ( MacTroll took the photos ) . It was awesome . I applauded very loudly at the end of each song . I was so proud of him for overcoming his fears and getting up there , and Mrs . Cabutti was , too . Posted by You know , I have moms that I love . There are kids that I love . And I knew early on when I was touring the " Mom " groups that there was probably going to be a time when I was going to love a mom and not be so wild about her kid or I was going to love a kid and not be so wild about her mom . But never did I think that the situation was going to be me being wild about someone 's kid AND her mom , but having the two kids suddenly not get a long . It 's not one child 's fault over the other . They just suddenly started bickering like Statler and Waldorf , except they started getting after each other rather than other people . I talked to MacTroll and X - man about it and then I called my friend to see if she was noticing it , too . I asked if she thought the kids needed a break because they see each other every day . And she agreed . I was at my son 's school on Friday while everything in Connecticut was going down . I was delivering flowers to his teachers as a thank you for the holiday . I talked with his principal , but I had no idea about what was happening out east . I am not addicted to my phone or searching for news on it , so I was clueless . Another parent was waiting for her daughter . We were both in the hallway in silence and then suddenly she said , " It 's just terrible about those children in Connecticut . " She told me what happened . Then her daughter showed up and they left . I gathered Capt . J and X - man and lead them out to the car . I dropped Capt . J off and then went home . I read the news , watched Obama 's comment and let X - man watch . He saw the president cry and he wanted to hug him to make him feel better . We both agreed that it was a sad , sad event . The last thing I read was a story where the idea that the shooter was rumored by family friends to have had Asperger 's was brought up . And then I went on media lockdown . I was angry that something like a medical diagnosis like that was linked , and I knew autism groups far and wide would be jumping all over how many reasons that was irresponsible journalism . I didn 't want to hear people argue about how terribly we care for the mentally ill in our country or how weapons that shoot as many bullets as the guns he took into the school are unnecessary while others think they are for their Second Amendment rights . And , forgive me , I can 't look at the faces of those other six and seven year olds who were slaughtered or the teachers and principals that ran into harms way to try to protect them . When I do think of something like that happening at the school I returned to teach in on Monday morning , you know what I think about ? I think about how many of my two year olds I could hide in a closet with and how in the world would I get them to be quiet in a lockdown situation . How would I hide their faces if we were confronted by a gunman , so they wouldn 't have to see the anger in a shooter 's eyes . Today , I read the paper for the first time since Friday and found this . It kind of summarizes how I 've been thinking . In my head , I know that we are safer now than we were 30 years ago when it comes to violent homicide . I also know that as many children in Chicago are killed with more frequency than what happened in Connecticut . But the actions of those that hurt there seem bigger to me . I guess that 's true ever since Jonesboro . Maybe I 'm paying more attention now than I did to violence when I was a child . Either way , I don 't think madness can be controlled . What I do know is that I don 't want bars on my school 's windows and armed guards at the door . It 's the same way I felt flying in and out of National Airport after 9 / 11 and seeing giant military thugs with huge guns placed there for " security . " I resented it . Just like I resented driving by an anti - aircraft gun on my way to work every morning past the Pentagon . I 'm angry it happened . I grieve for those lost . When X - man was a baby , he had a lot of funny onesies . He grew so terribly fast that he was only in 0 - 3 month clothing for around 6 weeks . But that 's what happens when you come out over 10 lbs , right ? Anyway , I found a woman online and she made a small , decorative quilt for me to hang up on the wall . To this day , I have never hung that quilt . I 've never found a modern looking rod system to put it up on . And it 's a pretty awesome looking quilt . As it turns out , my closet was getting full of race shirts I felt stupid wearing because I haven 't been able to really run since Spring 2011 . It made me feel terrible to look at them . So I got them together , along with a bunch of other t - shirts and outfits from MacTroll and X - man and set them in to the woman again . I was sad to learn , while she had the items for my quilt , that she was going to stop quilting after my project because she had a new full - time job . But she totally rocked this quilt . It 's a functional bed quilt , rather than a decorative one . But I love looking at all the pieces ! ( I don 't sew , but I think it 's awesome ! So many memories . ) I usually like to rest on Sunday , but today is an activity Sunday . I woke up this morning and loaded 1 / 2 cup of water , 4 chopped up turnips and one whole head of cauliflower into my slow cooker . Around dinner time , I will be mashing it into " Faux Mashed Potatoes . " This week , I gave up my bi - weekly purchase of a small tub of Brummel and Brown for a small tub of Earth Balance vegan spread . I also made french toast out of the Vegan Yum Yum book for the boys and I this morning . I 'm trying to take steps to embrace my impending change from a lacto - ova vegetarian to an ova vegetarian . This basically means that I am a vegetable / fruit / grain eater who also eats eggs and honey . Because my body has decided to get rid of dairy . I 've changed the oatmeal I use for breakfast in the morning . I started exploring the Amy 's freezer case for quick meals on the run ( since I 'm working on M / W this week and will be going back to the pre - school two days a week in January - - whenever they need me . Amy wasn 't sure if I 'd be in a classroom , floating or subbing , so we 'll see as it gets closer ) . After cooking , I took Lily for a walk around the lake at Colbert Park . It 's my practice walking on uneven surfaces because the path is gravel . It was hard to walk heel to toe like I 'm supposed to concentrate on , so when we were done around the lake , we walked an extra 1 / 2 mile around the block on flat surfaces , so I could make sure that I was hitting the ground with my heel on my bad foot and pushing off with my toe . I found out why my body doesn 't naturally do this any more - - it hurts in the joint at the ball of my tiniest toe . This makes sense because it 's where the peroneal tendons run . . . but when I do walk on it correctly on flat surfaces - - it crunches like crazy . And it both feels good and kind of burns / pinches . Almost like it 's stuck from non - use . So , I guess we 'll be working on that joint 's mobility on Tuesday . I 'm currently reading " Work Hard . Be Nice " by Jay Mathews . A book about two Teach for America teachers who are re - inventing education for children who live in poverty - - and are getting some amazing results . I 'm only able to fit in a chapter here and there , but it 's invigorating as a parent and as an educator . Today at 2 p . m . Awesome is coming over to play with X - man . MacTroll is going to hang out with them if they decide to play the Wii . X - man is usually a pretty good teacher , but he could use a reminder here and there about being a positive coach rather than a , " Hey , do you want me to use your remote to do that for you ? " kind of person . At 4 p . m . , MacTroll and I are wandering across the street to a holiday open house for one of our new neighbors . According to my Christmas card from my aunt , the woman used to be her college roommate . We have a babysitter coming from 4 - 5 : 30 p . m . because it 's an adult - only thing . What will I wear ? I 'm guessing my current wardrobe mixing my " Fat Ass " sweatpants and Zella zip up hobo - sleeved sweatshirt isn 't ideal . Alas , I lack Christmas sweaters . : - ) My goal was to get some things hung up on our walls today , but MacTroll seems - - unmotivated to do anything but sit in bed and go to the gym at noon . He 's home from now until the end of the first week in January . That 's 3 weeks . We 're pretty happy about it . The Champaign Park District advertised that they were having a flashlight candy cane hunt for free at Prairie Farm . I thought this sounded awesome . We assumed it would be a kind of scavenger hunt , where the candy canes would be hidden during the daylight and then kids would run around with their flashlights and bags hunting for them that night . Or at least that 's what I thought this sounded like . . . We arrived at 5 : 35 p . m . , 25 minutes early to get a parking space . We were one of the first to arrive . X - man had bad feelings when he saw their Santa , so he just waved and got some free hot cocoa . Then we went out to wait for the fun to begin . X - man ran around with a neighbor by the duck pond shining his flashlight in the water to find the fish , and I began to wonder how exactly all this was going to work . I mean , what if they started finding candy canes laying about ? " Really ? " I said . The idea that they were picking up food ( even though it was individually wrapped ) where pigs poop and pee gave me the willies . There was a streetlight that lit up the area , so flashlights were completely unnecessary ( and really using the flashlight to hunt had been the big allure to us ) . X - man handed his flashlight to me and took his bag into the pen . He followed directions like a champ and , as usual , acted as a verbal enforcer for the park district person in their pen reminding kids to come in , line up around the fence , hold onto the fence and wait for instructions . I ran into two CARE friends and we agreed this was - - not what we 'd pictured from the description . Then 15 minutes passed by . The organizers noticed they had a lot more 3 - 5 year olds , so they ran a first " heat " for them , but they made the mistake of not letting the other two ( 6 - 7 and 8 - 10 ) year olds go at the same time . So the kids had to wait . . . another 15 minutes . At around 6 : 27 , X - man looked at me alarmed . He knew they were about to start , but he suddenly had to pee really bad ( Yes , he did go before we got in the car to head there ) . I managed to get him to the bathroom ( warning the announcer we were going - - but he was waiting for some late comers who were still visiting Santa , so we were safe ) , and we returned just in time for the start . Now here 's the next problem . 45 kids in a concrete pen charging toward candy on the ground . I warned X - man to watch his hands and his feet so he didn 't get hurt or hurt anyone else . He was really pretty considerate as he moved through the kids . But the problem was that all the candy canes got crushed by the stampede . Seriously , ours were in 6 - 10 pieces in the plastic wrap - - and they were the mini ones . But X - man came out with six crushed mini candy canes and four Twizzlers for an hour 's worth of waiting around . He had been very patient waiting the whole time we were there . He hadn 't melted down over the need to pee . He had used his words and communicated wonderfully . Then on the way out of the pen , he noticed a boy crying because he hadn 't gotten any candy . X - man reached into his bag , grabbed a piece and walked over and offered it to him . The boy refused it . X - man looked confused . " Why didn 't he want my candy ? " he asked me . I pointed out that he was probably really disappointed and just didn 't process what was going on . Or maybe he was hoping for chocolate or something . On the way out there was a mother with a smaller child who was crying . X - man did the same thing . This time , the Mom took it from him and said thank you , but the child was beside herself . On the way to the car , X - man said , " Mom , I don 't like to go to events where everyone doesn 't find at least one candy cane . Kids hate when they don 't get something . It makes them feel sad and like they lost at it . " I told him I thought he was right , and that we wouldn 't return next year . But at the very least , Santa or an elf could have been at the gate handing out normal - sized candy canes to each kid that came , so that everyone got something for being so patient . We also felt bad for the people who were just arriving at 6 : 35 p . m . when the whole thing was pretty much over . For the last several years , a group of friends of mine have been helping me put on an egg hunt during spring in my backyard . We do it , usually , the week after Easter . We divide up the yard into little kid / allergy friendly and " pure sugar . " So everyone can have a safe holiday . We get all the stuff during the after - holiday discounts , so things are really , really cheap . And the kids go home with their baskets FULL of goodies . Each family brings 12 eggs filled with whatever side their kid will be on and then we put them out the morning before everyone arrives . We open the gates at 10 a . m . and in 10 minutes everything is found and being sorted out in the yard . Everyone gets something . It 's relatively inexpensive , and it 's easy to organize . What the candy cane hunt experience made me want to do was invite two or three families to our house next holiday season ( maybe when we 're in California ) and do an actual scavenger hunt with flashlights with about six kids . Because it was a good idea . But scrapping crappy candy off of a cement pad with legions of pig poop germs really doesn 't seem like a very festive occasion . I hope things change for the event next year . Today , I walked Lily for a long time > 45 minutes . My foot was great . It was a little tender the last five minutes , but I have basically returned to where I was last week at this time before had my moment of stupid on Sunday and injured it . Tomorrow , I hope to finally have my re - eval at physical therapy . But I have to admit , while I was out with Lily this morning , there were times when I could picture myself running rather than walking . Tonight I walked over to the neighbors to pick up some wrapping paper that I 'd ordered from one of the kids who goes to Barkstall . I felt like running down the two houses . It felt like a night to run . Two years ago , I totally would have been out there in it wearing my reflective sash , zooming around Prairie Fields and getting a good look at all the Christmas lights that only a neighborhood within 1 / 4 mile of a Wal - mart could produce . I hate the extra fat around my middle and in my thighs . I 'm scared to get on the scale . I know that I 'm about to give up dairy in the new year due to my lactose intolerance . I know that I 'm pretty much ( outside of eating eggs and honey ) about to go vegan . I 'm not entirely happy about it . But my body is also obviously , not happy about anything dairy that goes into my body . So , I don 't have much of a choice . I got on a recumbent bike and was able to peddle it for an hour the other day . I couldn 't do that last spring . It hurt too much . Now there is no pain . So that 's something . I think it 'll be a long time before I 'm able to get dressed up and put on nice shoes . X - man had a breakthrough this week , which is nice . We 're still back and forth between going in for an evaluation here and waiting until we get to Silicon Valley ( i . e . Land of everyone is likely to be on the spectrum ) . We got a letter from Unit 4 the other day about some test he took as a precursor to being invited to test for the Unit 4 gifted program . His results were very good . He wanted me to explain to him the concept of the bell curve . He was worried he was supposed to be in the middle and that he was dumb and missed it . When I explained that he was on the advanced size of the bell curve he got excited . And I have to admit that I got excited seeing him excited . But it gave him a dose of self - confidence , especially after a day where he 'd gotten bullied on the playground . The kids have a nickname for him - - " Absent . " X - man explained that he said it 's because they think he 's stupid in the head . And clearly , according to the test results , he 's not . At Mathman , X - man was working on graphing all the possible addition problems he could make to equal six . When he got through them , he asked if he could use 7 + - 1 . Mr . Cohen said , " Yes ! " So they started working together with negative numbers . In reading , he 's advanced from a level 6 reader to level 12 - 13 . That 's good progress . His teacher says they want him to be about a level 16 to be at grade level for second grade . So we 're working on it . My worry is that he doesn 't perform as well in the school environment as he does at home . Today , after school , we dropped our neighbor off at home to his grandmother and then we went to the Cookies at the Clearinghouse library . It 's where I 've gotten most of my materials regarding the Autism Spectrum , Gifted with learning disabilities , emotional intensities , etc . My friend LL is the librarian there . X - man had four cookies , won a door prize ( who doesn 't love a coffee mug with a beach ball and angry bird bandaids ? ) and got to see his friend Awesome there . X - man knows where the picture books are , so he brought a couple over for me to read . Then we went to and enjoyed the pottery painting place in town . We ran into neighbors . X - man painted a snoopy on his dog house . I painted an ice cream bowl and spoon for X - man to use at home . When we got home , he ran down the street to meet his friends ' new pet - - a mouse . He said it has three names . One in Russian and then two in English that the kids can 't agree on . ( Three kids , one mouse . ) Tomorrow is Friday . We 're taking X - man 's teachers their gifts tomorrow afternoon . Then we 're going to a Candy Cane Hunt via Flashlight at the Prairie Farm . MacTroll doesn 't get home until late , but he did find his headlamp before he left for X - man to use . Oh , and I got foam gingerbread houses instead of the ones made of candy and food . It was enjoyable to do together , but much less messy and no bad candy ! Posted by So it took yesterday and today to get me back to where I was last Friday . So they 're doing the re - eval on Friday . My surgery will have been 3 months ago tomorrow . That 's a long time ! The other bit of news is that we noticed a growth on Lily 's back this weekend just over her shoulder . I took her into Dr . Mary on Monday and she diagnosed her with a Histiocytoma for now . Cells from the tumor showed that it 's made up of round cells and that there are no granules . This means that if it is truly a Histiocytoma , it 's likely that the body just identified it and started fighting it causing the growth ( it 's a little pink and angry ) . It should go away in 2 - 4 weeks on its own . I dropped off the two backpacks that X - man and I put together at the New Covenant Church on White Street in Downtown Champaign . They had a room for all the donations , but it looks like they could use a few more backpacks . We made a backpack filled with personal care items and new clothing for an adult woman and for a 5 - 7 year old boy . Go figure . But I learned that they help a LOT of grown homeless men . They pass out hundreds of backpacks at the holidays . They 're also the home to the Daily Soup Kitchen . They 're collecting backpacks from now through Dec . 19th from 9 a . m . to 1 p . m . , if you 'd like to take one in . I picked up my backpack from the post school sales at Target and bought everything to go into it there , too . It was a nice hour with X - man thinking about others at the holiday . Friday , I bit the bullet and went into the Savoy Recreation Center to walk 45 minutes . If I could get to 45 minutes without stopping , this meant ( at least to my physical therapists ) I could start moving onto more difficult exercises . It might also mean that I could cut back from 3 visits a week to 2 visits a week , which is nice in not only getting some of my time back , but is also nice because my copay is $ 30 each visit ! ( I get totally re - evaluated tomorrow , so I 'll know then ) . Anyway , I completed 45 minutes which was nearly 3 miles . This is very exciting because three weeks ago on Thanksgiving I walked 1 . 8 miles in 51 minutes . Two legged work is now easy . . . but now I have to focus on one - legged work . And that 's a lot harder . The other progress has been coming from X - man . He 's learned to make a regular capital R , and he 's doing it most of the time now when he writes his name . He used to make what looked like a popsicle with two sticks coming out of it on angles for his R . You can see an example of the popsicle R on the lined paper image below when he writes the R in his name . But the correct R is on the less neatly written unlined image further below . His " copying " has gotten really good . So when you give him a word to write , lined paper and some time , he does pretty great . It 's readable . When you ask him to make a list often gives you hieroglyphics . He 'll point to the letter - like symbols and tell you what they say . That 's normal for beginning writers ( you 'll often see kids do it in pre - k ) . It 's just not usually neurotypical for a first grader . But now , since he 's been writing more and reading more , he 's starting to pick up the letter sounds at the beginning and the end of words . He wrote a letter to Santa the other day where he copied some words ( because we went over what the different parts of a letter are and he could see words like please , thank you , etc . in my letter example ) . But he phonetically spelled nice = nis . I don 't correct him when he does this because he 's finally starting to be able to deal with the auditory part in his brain . When he reads , he 's mostly memorizing words and word order . That makes spelling so much more difficult . He 's a very visual learner . Number 1 is Architect . It starts with an " r " sound and ends in a " t . " He had to explain to me what it was , but once he did , I got it , plus , he knows that 's what his cousin Nathan plans on studying at college next fall . Number 2 is Dom . Meaning dome . He had to tell me he was referring to the people who dance and sing and put the shows together at Assembly Hall , our local theater space , which is , indeed , a dome of sorts . ( A saucer would be perfectly acceptable in my head , too . ) . Number 4 I knew without asking . " Mathman . " ( i . e . , He can grow up and be just like Don Cohen . ) Notice that he knew that math starts with " ma " but has trouble with blended sounds like " th " or " sh . " His spelling test this week was all about those two blends , so we 'll see how he did . But it 's clear that he knows how to spell " man . " Number 5 or 6 are anyone 's guess . I guessed 5 was " Cook Cop " but drew a blank for number 6 . And he was tired of talking about it and had moved on . So , I guess I 'll never know . : - ) But you can see a radical difference in how he copies when the visual letters are there in front of him and the obvious struggle his brain has when trying to work on spelling words in his head and putting them down on paper . Suddenly lined paper doesn 't make sense . Spacial awareness between letters totally disappears . It 's like decoding the phonetics and translating the sounds to letters and then thinking about how to form the letters correctly gets all jumbled up in his brain . We checked out a book from the library called " Ralph Tells a Story . " In it Ralph is never able to think of a story to write during writing time . And finally , he thinks of one . My favorite part of the story though is the illustrations , which show that during " sharing " time , Ralph holds his paper to his chest and TELLS this elaborate story in his head about finding an inchworm to play with that a baby comes along and stuffs down his diaper ( ewwww ! ) and then it crawls out . But when you see his paper , you see that what he wrote was one five word sentence . I pointed that out to X - man , and he was fascinated . His goal is to be able to write that one five word sentence from his head like Ralph regularly . I think he 's close . He did after all tell Santa in his letter , " You are nis . " If you 've never done the shop before , it 's pretty cool . Area businesses donate various items that cost between $ 2 - $ 8 . Families make a donation to the Crisis Nursery and then children make a list of all the family members they need to buy gifts for and then they go in and pick out what they want for each family member . I sent X - man with MacTroll last week while I was volunteering at the library fundraiser . I wrote a check for $ 50 and told them that whatever he didn 't spend they could keep as a donation . I made out the list of the 10 people he needed to buy for and a volunteer took him into the store and let him pick out his gifts . Some of the gifts are toys or coffee mugs with fun characters like Wonder Woman on them . Others really funny gifts like bacon - flavored lip balm . Ours our all wrapped up tight and under our tree . I can 't wait to see what I got . : - ) It was a lot of fun . While I was there , I had to use the restroom during a slow period at the Holiday store . So I went around the corner and then stopped in to Wind , Water and Light . I was there to volunteer , so I explained that I had to get back down the hall , but I promised them I 'd go back tomorrow . I still have one or two gifts I need to pick up . And I love that store . I could spend hours in it just looking . The owners are also ever so nice ! ' Tis the season ! And to prove it I spent all day out of my house . This morning the Rotary Club of Savoy had it 's first Breakfast with Santa at United Methodist Church . We had over 100 people , and it was a giant success . We were raising money to pay for a solar - powered water tank ( i . e . a very fancy latrine ) for a village in Swaziland that a bunch of local churches had also adopted . I got to sit at the ticket desk while others served breakfasts , oversaw various games and assisted Santa when he came . Afterwards , I ran up north to buy Christmas gifts at Barnes and Noble . If you lived in town , you could have shopped from 9 a . m . to 5 p . m . and Tolono Public Library would have received a percentage of the sales from corporate BnN . You can also shop online anytime between today and Dec . 6 from anywhere and the library will benefit . More details are at www . tolonolibrary . org . Then I went to Mas Amigos and had lunch with Freak . It had been so long since we 'd hung out . We figured out that we met around 5 years ago . And it freaked us out when we realized that in another 5 years , her oldest would be driving a car . Yikes ! Then I returned to Barnes and Noble to sit at the table for the library and hand out more coupons to people who pass by . If there are any Star Wars fans out there , it looks like members of the 501st Midwest Garrison ( i . e . Stormtroopers ) will be there next week doing gift wrapping for charity ! At least it 's on their schedule online ! I headed home at 5 p . m . and had a sandwich for dinner and then got back into the car , but this time ( FINALLY ) with the boys . We all met up with some other children from X - man 's school to see " Santa 's Secret Star " at the Parkland Planetarium . X - man liked it . He said he wished it was longer . We got home and read for 45 minutes . Most of it from me to him because it was after 9 p . m . , and he was really sleepy . We 're in the middle of a biography about Jackie Robinson . He 's been enjoying it a lot . But he also knows that after we finish it tomorrow night , that we get to move on to the Darth Paper Strikes Back Origami Book . : - ) |
The next morning was much the same . Greg woke us up with an alarm clock that was far too loud , telling us how we had a busy day ahead of us . Knowing what was coming , I managed not to catch any glimpses of James as he hopped out of bed in his white briefs , or Robert in his boxers , or Holt exercising . Eyes on the wall or the floor or my hands . No thinking allowed , unless about exactly what I was physically doing . We were allowed to go shower on our own instead of being escorted as a group , but we had limited time before the bus . Again , Robert and James were alongside , and again I kept my eyes on the floor or myself . The same several kids wore swimming trunks in the showers and changed in the bathroom in our cabin . I wondered how they would do once they had to shower fully naked in high school . Again I felt the unfamiliar feeling of being less timid than someone else and a little superior . After an awesome breakfast , the girls stayed in the cafeteria while we boys went to the other large room and watched a film I had seen last year in eighth grade . Obviously some hadn 't seen it before . Next was a film I cringed throughout , and everyone else seemed to as well . It was horribly embarrassing , and I wondered how they got away with showing it to us . It seemed to be aimed at teenagers , but it was almost pornographic . They actually showed actual pictures of the actual parts . On boys and girls . It showed how boys grew and changed , and how girls grew and changed . Naked boys . Naked girls . The same naked boy and girl , ages ten through to twenty . Those were the ages the narrator said as they changed through the film , anyway . As the boy , a cute blond guy with soft , gentle , adorable features , aged , and they showed him , naked , aging , growing hair here and there , I got an erection that wasn 't going to go away easily , I could tell . I hadn 't done anything yesterday , or last night , or this morning . I really needed to figure out where and how and when I could take care of that business . James , Robert , and I , nearly everyone , gasped and gulped at each other through it , amazed . The boy demonstrated how to clean properly if you weren 't circumcised , and how to check your testes for irregularities , first as a boy , and again as he grew . When they showed the girl for a second time , this time full figured , full breasted , pubic hair and all , someone said , " Uh - oh ! I 'm gonna have an accident ! " It seemed to break the tension and the awkwardness , and everyone laughed from then on . The film turned to how the sexes got together . The boy became a teenager , hairy and erect , drooping balls and all . The film showed the inside of the entire male reproductive system using real images and dissected parts . All the parts , testes , scrotum , prostate , urethra , everything . Even how and what filled with blood to cause erections . When the close - up of the boy 's orgasm happened , most of the place went , " Eww ! " sounding like girls . I couldn 't tell what caused him to cum , and you only saw the tip of it as white stuff squirted into a graduated tube . Clinical , but still . Then that white stuff was in a Petri dish , then the view through a microscope showed actual sperm swimming around an egg . The boy aged another two years as he matured , more or less , and got completely handsome and adorable , then , finally , the film ended . I wondered what mysteries where left in life , and knowing that I wasn 't interested in girls ' anatomy at all . It seemed messy and disgusting . And I couldn 't get the guy in the film out of my head . I wondered how he could have let them examine him so closely with a camera like that while he was hard , let alone while he came . Even soft . Ever ! More laughter and more agreement . I wondered if anyone else was hard , or for the same reason . I doubted it . I was too much of a freak . Later , the girls returned to the cafeteria , giggling , red - faced , and laughing . Once we were all assembled again , we had lunch . After , an older man got up and told us that we were becoming men and women , and this summer we were moving into a new world with new opportunities and openings , and as the snickers died down , we were told that we would start having classes tomorrow . We would have five minutes between classes , and if we were late to a class , one of our elective activities at the cabins would be revoked for that day . Some kids were called by name to take care of schedule conflicts . Finally it was time for the bus ride back to the cabins . James went off to archery . An hour later , after reading silently as well , Robert went to swim . He asked if I wanted to go , but I told him no thanks . He changed as if it was perfectly normal to be naked in front of strange boys , or boys at all . I studiously didn 't look as he dropped his jeans and boxers , laid them out , and put on his Speedos . Tight , tiny , blue Speedos . I didn 't dare look , as badly as part of me wanted to . But that part of me got hard again anyway . Finally alone , almost , I plotted and considered . There were three guys on the same bunk on the other side , playing cards , and two guys on a bunk almost up front on my side rolling dice on a book for quarters . I wondered if any of them would notice how long I took in the bathroom . I wondered how long I would take . I was sure it wouldn 't take long . Not after missing out for two days , and not taking care of it after that movie , and being hard from seeing Robert and James naked , or nearly , so often . And of course the sight of Holt exercising in his boxers with the weak , floppy fly , too . But doing it in the bathroom was so risky . I saw that the door latched , so I considered it . I marked it as a later , last resort . There had to be somewhere else , sometime or another . Thinking about finding a place to do it kept it hard . I sighed in disgust . When Greg arrived , he said that I should be taking part in the activities and spending my time with others , and getting to know my future classmates . When I asked how I was to know who would be my future classmates , he told me to network and find out , that that was part of the opportunity , and my own responsibility to perform . I had to do my part for it to work . I wasn 't about to go charging into the fray and hook up with all the guys going to my school , hang out and be cool . It wasn 't going to happen , no matter how much I 'd like it to happen , or he wanted it to happen . Some things just don 't happen . And me becoming outgoing and extroverted was definitely one thing that wasn 't ever going to happen . I had tried to be as much so as I could in seventh and eighth grades , and it had led to what hadn 't happened . It had only gotten me fake friends , and all alone and humiliated in the end . Moving away from there had been my chance to start over , and I wasn 't going to go down that same road again . I would become invisible . It had worked for other guys at school . They weren 't bothered much at all , because they didn 't stick out , and stayed quiet and out of the way . I was looking forward to being ignored by as many as possible . I wanted to avoid Greg when he returned , so I left the cabin after he did . The camp wasn 't huge , but it did straggle along a ways , laid out like a snake on that wandering dirt road as it approached the shore of the lake , then split both ways at a larger cabin . More of the usual cabins lined one side of each road , and the beach the other . To the north , the beach ended in a small set of piers with small boats , some with single masts . Straight out from the staff cabin was the pontoon , some hundred feet out from shore . To the south , camp sites with a fire pit ran almost the entire length of the beach . The whole place was busy with walking and running campers . It was loud and raucous , and repelled me . It was hot and humid , and a swim sounded good , but not with so many others , and not in some gross lake . And not in the pool up at the main cabin , either , at least not until I could be sure I wouldn 't think the wrong thoughts from seeing all the guys in nothing but swim trunks . Especially if more boys were wearing swimming trunks like Robert 's tiny Speedos . I walked around a bit , then back up the narrow dirt road and between the cabins , back to the main building , then around it to the glass windows along the pool . It was enclosed in green glass , and it was easy to tell it hadn 't originally been built to be that way . You couldn 't get in from outside , only through the main building and the showers . I looked in as I walked by , and it was busy , too . Robert went walking past along the side of the pool and saw me outside the wall of glass . He gestured at me to come in but I shook my head and kept walking . He was exactly what I had to avoid . Not just everyone , but the cute , nice ones , all wet in Speedos especially . Inside the main cabin , the game room was busy , the television room was busy , and the library was empty : Solace at last . One other boy was in there , reading at a long table . I nodded when he noticed me and he nodded back and went back to his book - finally , a comfortable level of social behavior and interaction . The periodicals were by the door , and I saw some musical oriented ones . I flipped open a new magazine about musical instruments , just in case it had anything about synthesizers in it . I hit the jackpot . Oberheim had a new model out , the OB - X . It was not only neat looking , it had things on it I didn 't understand . The article said that Styx , among other bands , was using it . I was hooked . I read the article through , and only reluctantly put it back . I ached for something better than the cheap air organ I had at home . There wasn 't much in the way of fantasy or science - fiction materials , and nothing I hadn 't already read or even wanted to read . The science area was larger , and I found a fascinating book there . It was fully eight inches thick , the pages the same size as a magazine . The Complete Scientific American Journal - 1957 . It was massive , and the heavy cover was some kind of tough cloth - like material over cardboard . The pages were a heavy , almost smooth , probably - paper . It would be almost impossible to read like an ordinary book , it was far too thick . And awkward . I man - handled it to a table and started inspecting it . It was filled with facts . Dry , clean , clear , hard facts . No alliterations or overly - simplified descriptive additions . They were almost forty years old , and some weren 't true anymore , or had been rendered more accurately since , but they were interesting . And best of all , they didn 't strip down right in front of me and remind me that I was a homo . " There you are . Greg made me look for you . You 're going to miss dinner . The meatloaf isn 't bad , but the potatoes are runny . They should at least make real potatoes , you know ? I mean , they 're not charging Holiday Inn rates . Guess they have to cut corners where they can , so they don 't do it on academics or such . Besides , they obviously spend a ton keeping the place up . Did you know the foundation has a stone signed by the first Governor of Illinois ? Is that cool or what ? And a time capsule , too . They won 't open it until 2000 , so we 'll be old and married and our kids will almost be old enough to go here . What 's the book about ? Solar system ? Not even in color . You should check out Discover , it 's this new science magazine . They have an excellent color fold - out of the solar system , planets to scale , just not distances . The sun takes up one entire edge , just the curve of it like it was off the page . And our moon is a tiny little dot next to a slightly bigger blue and white dot that 's us . So neat . Did you know it was . . . " I replaced it and James walked with me . I learned , or rather , listened as James told me about the history of the academy . It had some interesting points , and as we joined Robert in the cafeteria , he told us of its service during the civil war . I was one of the last through the dinner line , so I missed out on the cinnamon bread pudding . That wonderful scent still lingered strongly , teasing me . James was still talking about the academy 's civil war history later as Robert and I sat down on our bunks and picked up our books . A couple of hours later , a favorite part of Dune now reread , I put the book down and stretched . It was almost eight . Almost everyone was back , though Greg wasn 't back with the stragglers yet . I used the john and considered possible locations for taking care of business other than there . Of course , thinking of that caused it to stand up and ask when . I hid it away , returned to my bunk , read , and waited for Greg 's night talk . I glanced around and tried not to sexually frame everyone there . I couldn 't understand why my brain did it . It seemed almost natural , though , to size them up , compare them , pick out the best looking , and think about them . Especially Holt . Something about him , his red hair , his pale skin and complexion , his slim , slender , smooth body , something , caused those feelings to roar up all over again every time I looked more than simply saw him . Those rapid glimpses through his nearly open boxer fly were still clear and vivid . As he sat on a bunk and played cards with the tall , gangly kid that seemed to be his best friend at the camp , I tried not to look at him , but my eyes were seemingly drawn to him . His voice was rough and gravelly , changing obviously . And his laugh was sharp and quick , and made me want to laugh with him . I wished more than once that he would invite me over to play cards with him and his friend . When Greg walked in , I immediately undressed him as he walked toward this end of the cabin . He filled out the groin of his pale jeans admirably , and I could almost make out what was what . I suddenly realized he was looking right at me . I tried not to turn red , and could only hope that I didn 't , and he didn 't notice if I did . " Would you go track him down ? I have a couple of small - frys that are A . W . O . L . to help go look for . I 'm heading to the usual places . Where do you think James is ? " " That field is picked clean . And he 'll probably end up down at the creek and the river , down in the trees . Run down there , have a yell or two , see if he 's there , then get back here . Okay ? " We couldn 't see anyone out there , but it was dark without a moon . The trees were thick , and we had to walk in there to see anything under them . After calling his name a few times , we turned toward the academy and began walking that way under the trees . When we got to a creek , we heard his voice calling back . Soon we found him and his three friends , two of which I assumed were the small - frys that Greg had mentioned . None of them were hurt , but they weren 't comfortable at all . Each of them was tied to a tree . Not so much tied , as wrapped up in cable around them . Brown , flat , two - wire antenna cable had been wrapped around their arms , chests , and upper legs , and around the tree . They couldn 't have gotten out of it if they tried for days . It wasn 't too tight , but the antenna wire had no slack and didn 't stretch at all . Worse of all were the details . They hadn 't just wrapped each of them up against a tree , first they had taken down their pants and underwear . Then they had wrapped the cable around their legs and upward , then passed it once just under their balls , making them hang outward over the cable . Then the next pass went above them , but under their dicks . That made them stick out , too . The rest wrapped upward around their bellies to their chests and arms . It was worse than I had ever imagined would happen to me at the camp , even if everyone found out about me . We laughed . I didn 't mean to , it just happened . Another thing that I didn 't mean to do was stare . It felt like I was staring , anyway . James and the three others were tied up to four trees almost in a row . The flat antenna wire wrapped them from knees to groin , then after a few gaps around the two passes of wire holding out their gonads , wrapped upward with gaps here and there over their arms and chests . The deliberate wrapping made their privates not only exposed , but prominently displayed . And somehow , I managed to see all four of them at the same time , compare and contrast , and like what I saw of James and the bigger boy next to him . The two boys to the left were smaller than James and his friend , and looked twelve or so . There wasn 't any hair visible above their little dicks hanging over the cable . They were thin and small , and hardly very interesting , other than being naked boys and me being in that awkward , temporary gay phase . James and the other boy had pubes in a dark ring around the base of their dicks . Both of them were obviously growing out of the stage the two younger boys were still in . Their balls and dicks were obviously larger , too . The last boy was the most interesting , and I noticed that I wanted to look at him closer and for much longer . He was taller , broader , and what hung over the cable was longer , larger , and had a larger , darker circle of hair above it . It even looked long enough to be really fun , and almost as long as mine , and a bit shorter than Robert 's . " I 'm sorry ! Just imagine if it was somebody else and you walked up on it ! " I apologized in a way as I started toward the closest of the four . Robert headed to the one closest to him , which was James . The boy I approached looked to be twelve or so . Maybe thirteen , but barely . He had to be one of the summer campers not heading to high school next year , or already ahead a year and on the same academy fast - track to high school that James was on . Probably some really rich kid whose parents wanted him well ahead of his peers . Now that I was very close to him , I liked how he looked . He was pretty normal looking , other than being naked and wrapped to a tree with his privates out on display . His face was red , and I couldn 't blame him . He had dark blond hair , gray eyes , glasses , and round , soft features , including big , dark lips that smiled in an embarrassed grin of discomfort . I felt bad for him , especially that he was stuck in such a position , and then on top of that , had a fag find him . I looked for where to begin , and he informed me of the final humiliation . The fastening knots were directly between their legs , up high and tucked in , one end of the cable passing through and behind their legs past their asses , then up over the cables around them and the tree so that the knots would stay there . The knot was tight and multi - layered , too , and there was no way to even get to it without becoming very , very , very familiar with the poor kid . The knot was tight , for sure , and the cable going behind him was taut and around the rest of the wrapped cable in back . The only way to untie it was to push my hand up under the kid 's balls , pull the wire through and push it with my other hand directly behind his butt . My fingers were going to be touching a lot of his skin in all of his very most private areas . The knot was well up and under his sack , and there was no delicate way to get started . I was torn about the whole situation . It seemed so cruel and mean to do that to them , but it was so funny , too . Especially the way they had tied the boys up . I felt so badly for them , horribly embarrassed for them too , but also getting really turned on . That I was getting hard bothered me . Here were four kids in trouble , one of them my cabin mate , and I was excited . I was hard enough that I had to be careful how I moved so that I didn 't crush or pinch it . I placed my hands very near his groin , and saw them shaking . I needed to calm down . I did a short breathing exercise I had been taught by a speech therapist in third grade to help with my old stutter and lisp . He laughed . That made his balls and dick bounce . He wasn 't in puberty yet , but as close as I was to his little privates , I could see a few wild , stray , long hairs here and there that probably meant that it was beginning . I had to push his little balls up with the back of one hand while I tried to figure out how to get started . With the flat wire wrapped around his legs and thighs , it only allowed a small gap to see through to under his sack and between his thighs . I had to point the flashlight this way and that . They had snaked the wire back through itself several times . I held the flashlight between my chin and shoulder and got started . I had to hold his balls up with one hand to see the knot and be able to work on it while the other hand went behind him to wriggle in between his butt cheeks and the tree to get to the other side of the knot . He was warm and moist down there , no wonder in the summer heat and humidity , and under the stress and humiliation . While I worked cable through itself , my fingers were rubbing him between his thighs , really up high , right up in there . His small ball sack rested on the back of my left hand , my right squeezed between the bottom of his butt cheeks and his thighs . I couldn 't help that my knuckles sometimes knocked against the skin between his legs behind his ball sack . He began to harden up . I had never seen a boy so close up , and had never touched one there , anywhere there , before , let alone everywhere up under there . I was so hard it hurt and my heart hammered in my chest . I started sweating more than the temperature and stickiness could account for . I pretended not to notice what his penis was doing , and worked diligently on his knot . His little dick started pointing up further and further . It was probably over three inches long , narrow , too , but smooth and even , except where the edges of his little head stuck out around it . He had been circumcised , and what little loose foreskin remained was slightly bunched behind the edges of his little , pink head until it stood fully up . It looked pretty average and typical , a lot like the boy in the almost pornographic movie earlier that afternoon had looked when the film said he was twelve . I noticed that his scrotum felt thick and stiff , at least in comparison to my own , and I remembered from the film that meant he hadn 't started puberty yet . As I pulled what looked to be the last loop through his legs , his dick bounced a little with each of his heartbeats and the head was obviously darker . I was trying not to imagine what it would be like to play with it , and put my mouth and lips over it . It was about the size mine had been , and he was about the age I had been when the girl at the lake had done that to me . I wondered if he had ever felt that before , doubted it , and wondered what he would do while I did it to him for the first time . Ryan sighed and gave up . I tried not to laugh . I also tried not to look at every inch of him . I had never seen another boy so naked , and so close before . And certainly never with so much time to look . I was fascinated by the smooth textures and the almost pink colors . The way his penis protruded from his body , the way his scrotum formed from the inverted ' v ' of his groin was wonderfully engineered . I marveled at how his legs met at his groin , forming a creaseless join that split around his scrotum , the contours of which I found enticing and alluring . The head of his penis had creases and crevices all over it , like fingerprints . I stared at how the shape of his little head was almost textbook perfect , and at the subtle shades of colors on the skin covering his penis and balls . The straight , perfect line running from the base of his little dick and down the middle of his tight , pink little scrotum was fascinating . I had come to this camp to put the gay away , but instead , I found myself with my hands all over another boy 's stuff . And his butt . And way up between . And my face was right there , inches away from his stuff . As little and unsexy as his stuff was , it was still another boy 's stuff . And not even the kind of stuff I found interesting on the older boys . Or at least boys my age , like Robert or James or Holt . But my hands were all up in there , and I was all hard . And so was he . Several trips around the tree later , I had to move slowly and carefully as I removed the cable from under his balls . Next trip around , the cable had been holding up his penis . Now his penis held itself up as I continued around the tree many more times . Eventually his hands were freed and he reached down for his pants . He was still hard as he put it away and fastened his jeans . I wondered how long it was going to last , and if he was going to take care of it in a bit , as soon as he could get alone and do it , like I badly wanted to be able to do . I felt almost sad that he was free now , as now I had no reason to be so close to his privates , or to touch him . I tossed down the cable and moved to the next kid . " Fuck you , " Ryan shot . " I 'm not sticking my hands all up in your stuff . Besides , if you 'd rather I did it , then I 'd rather he did it . Alex , right ? " They couldn 't hardly have been more dissimilar . While Ryan had a round , soft face and features , fuller , darker lips , wore glasses , and had a normal but possibly long penis - as young as he was it was hard to tell - Brent had long , narrow features , thin lips and prominent teeth , and a fairly short , almost stubby dick . They really seemed completely unrelated . They both had gray eyes and dark blond hair , but otherwise there was no hint of any relationship between them other than being about the same age . By fondling , I mean moving his small balls and sack up with the back of my left hand so that I could see what I was doing up under there while my other hand wriggled between the cheeks of his ass and the tree , then up and between , into his most private area . I had handed the flashlight to Ryan before I began working on the wire . I was trying not to stare at his stuff , especially with his brother right next to me . Brent was also very warm and moist . Having one hand under his balls , and my other hand around and up and under him from behind , was a major turn on . I felt my body shuddering a bit with the excitement of touching another boy in such places . My fingers slipped , and a knuckle hit him behind his sack . Not hard , but hard enough for him to jerk in reaction and grunt a bit . He sounded very odd , I didn 't know him any , but I had heard him talking for the last several minutes , and now he sounded very different . I kept working on the knot , getting one loop undone . My wet fingers slipped again , and I hit him behind his sack with a knuckle again , this time up and under , behind his sack . That angered me a little , so I decided to give his brother some payback . I had noticed how his penis had jerked when my knuckle had hit him that last time , and hadn 't really gotten as small as before . I worked on the knot alright , but my fingers now seemed to have to work up even higher , bumping him behind his sack almost constantly . His penis went from soft and hanging a bit over the cable under it , to upright and bouncing with his heartbeat in a single heartbeat . I was amazed . I had no idea that a penis could go from soft to hard so quickly . How could I blame him if he did ? I thought . Stuck tied to a tree , naked , probably for a while , he probably had to go . And my fiddling around down there can 't help with that , I know . And here I am enjoying playing with him naked . Poor kid . I did shift sideways , though , so that I was less in front of him , but I still had to try to see what I was doing under there sometimes . With Ryan holding the flashlight for me now , I could see this boy 's stuff even better than I had Ryan 's . I was enjoying what I was doing under Brent 's privates , and I was enjoying the boys ' company , too . They seemed to be fun . " Yes ! " James screamed from behind me . A quick glance proved that Robert had just freed him . " Holy cow ! That 's so much better ! Thank you thank you thank you , " he chanted as he yanked his shorts and jeans up . I just got a glimpse of it disappearing into his jeans , then Robert and he moved to the other boy . He was obviously a little older than Brent or Ryan , and I could see the pubes around the base of his dick in the unsteady light of Robert 's flashlight . His dick and balls were larger and fuller , hanging a little lower than James ' had . He was a little taller than James , almost as tall as Robert . We all laughed and I turned back to Brent . His balls and dick bounced as he laughed , and I enjoyed watching that a lot . I got the second loop clear and started the next , still thumping Brent under and behind his balls as often as I thought I could get away with it . His little dick stayed hard , bobbing in the air , turning a darker red almost each minute . If it was three inches long , then it was a meter long . I compared it to what I had seen in the showers over the past two years , and I was certain that it was the shortest one I had ever seen that wasn 't all tucked up and away from cold or such . And it was hard . Very hard . And still not three inches . I wondered what it was like to be a twin , and have such a short one while your twin had a much longer one . It seemed remarkably unfair . I began to feel a little bad for Brent . I stopped thumping him under and behind his balls . I worked only on getting the poor kid out of the cables . It took a while , like with Ryan , and they swapped barbs and insults nearly constantly . I enjoyed their personalities and their sense of humor . That they were kind of cute was only a bonus . That I had actually put both of my hands around and under them like that was astounding . He kept peeing , and Ryan and I started laughing . The longer he peed , the harder we laughed . His stream went wildly higher and lower as he laughed . Finally his stream lessened , even though his sighs didn 't . Finally he stopped , turned around , and pulled up his pants . They were both fairly cute . A little dorky , a little geeky , no superstar modeling or Hollywood movie star futures for them , but their clothes clearly said that their parents had that kind of money . I wondered what they would look like in a couple more years , or more , and thought they both would be kind of dorky and fairly cute . The four of us watched as Robert worked to free Dennis . I tried not to look like I was watching , but I noticed that as we talked , and in pauses , we were all watching . I didn 't know if they were watching for the same reason I was or not . James and Ryan held flashlights for Robert to see by , and I was glad that allowed a full view of Dennis . He was starting to grow and change , obviously . I thought he might be cute , too , except that now I was close to him I saw that he had / . That made me even more interested in him . His eyebrows were almost invisible . The bright coloration of his hair made his eyelashes that much more astonishing . Dark , rich brown eyes contrasted strongly under those lashes and against his white complexion . A few pimples and freckles were clustered around his nose , but otherwise his skin was clear . He wasn 't skinny , but his ribs were visible . He had light pink nipples , like only a few guys I had seen , including Holt . They stood out like pink candy on white paper . His hips were narrow , but you couldn 't see his bones . And he had nice legs , smooth and not weak , rounded but not muscular . He wasn 't hard as Robert worked on the cable , but he wasn 't soft , either . The cable went behind his balls , and they hung from him enough that they weren 't pushed outward like the twins ' much smaller ones had been . It seemed like he had some faint hair on his sack , though as light as they were , it was hard to be sure as his sack and balls moved a lot while Robert worked on the knot . There was no doubt that his balls were much larger than the twins ' , and from the first glances when Robert and I had first arrived , even larger than James ' . His pubic hair was clearly starting to fill in around the base of his penis but was light and thin . He wasn 't long , I was longer , but not by much , I was sure , though he wasn 't fully hard . It hung out over the cable and Robert had to keep it out of his way as well . I was sure if it finished getting hard it would be around five inches if it really grew a lot more , but it seemed mostly full , as if he was trying not to let it get hard at all , but not fully hard was all he could manage . He walked around the tree a few times , then carefully extricated the cable from behind Dennis ' sack . Then around the tree again , and the cable was out from under his penis . Brent helped unwrap the rest of the wire from around the tree , freeing him . Greg laughed , then said , " Not the first time . Were you stripped ? Your clothes aren 't wet , so they didn 't toss them into the creek . And no mud on you , even though there 's plenty out there right now , so you got the gentle treatment . One year , they stripped three boys naked , rolled them in mud , trussed them up together side by side lying down on their bellies , and put candles where no light should ever shine . That was the worst , and a couple years went by before anyone dared after those guys got expelled . I suggest you stay this side of the creek . You 're supposed to stay this side of the field , anyway . Right ? " " At first . But we figured out how to shake our asses enough to put ' em out . But the hot wax got us all a bunch of times , first ! " As we shared a few jokes and snickers together about it , James changed his clothes . All of them . He stripped down naked , put on clean shorts , and lay down . I was sorely tempted to watch , and wished I had been the one to untie him so that I would have gotten a closer look at him . He was my age , just a bit shorter , not as far along through puberty , and heavier . From what I had gotten to see in the woods , he wasn 't as long as me , but I didn 't mind . I tried to think of some place where I could be alone for a few minutes . I decided to sneak out later , when I got up to use the john during the night . There had to be somewhere close by I could walk to in the dark and be alone to take care of business . Just before lights - out , Robert took off his jeans and shirt and lay down with his forehead on his forearms . It was far too warm for blankets , so he , like some , didn 't cover up . He stretched out on his front , the waist of his boxers riding low on his buttocks . With the two low tables between us , I couldn 't see his face . I knew he couldn 't see mine , either , and with his bunk being the last in the row and against the wall , no one in the room , not even Robert , could tell where I was looking . I started sweating , and not from the heat or humidity . I felt so naughty , and so bad , and so tingly , and so excited . And too much like when what hadn 't happened had happened . Worst of all , though , the erection didn 't seem to be lessening at all . |
No You Can 't See if My Crotch Got Old It was the perfect ending to my oh so perfect week , a beautiful sunny September day in Ontario . I was reading on my balcony , while sipping my latte , trying to make the best of the warm fall weather we were having , even though my life was in complete chaos . I was unemployed , single , and about to be homeless . All I had to keep me going was my faith that God had better plans for me . It was right at this moment that I received a text from someone in my past , a guy whom I had a tumultuous relationship with twenty five years ago . In the text he asked if I was still working at my previous job . It was a weird coincidence that he would text me that question within weeks of me leaving a job I 'd been at for elevan years . I said no I wasn 't there anymore , and asked him why he was inquiring about my employment status . He said the place he was working at was hiring . I declined his offer by saying politely that I no longer wanted to work in the hospitality industry , but thank you for thinking of me . A few days went by and I started to panic . I didn 't have enough money to sustain myself , and thought maybe that text was a sign that I was meant to work where my ex , let 's call him Dick , was offering me employment . I texted Dick back to say I was interested and had an interview the next day . The owner was quite nice , he offered me a job on the spot , unfortunately the place was infested with wasps , but beggars can 't be choosers . I thought it would be nice to have someone I 'd known for years on my side in a place that was going to be new to me , people can be quite vicious in the service industry . I 'd previously told Dick several times that I will never be interested in getting back together with him . I shot him down every time he made a move on me over the past eight years , I had to get nasty , because my kind rebuttals weren 't getting through to him . The last message I left Dick was that I will never have feelings for him , please stop , there is no chance that I will ever want to be with him again . If he was willing to work with me after a text like that obviously I must have finally gotten through to him , he must be ready to be just friends , right ? We had some drinks outside on the patio at a local restaurant within walking distance to my place so that I wouldn 't have to worry about drinking and driving . He lost his license , and his car years ago . After we left the patio we walked to the liquor store and decided to have a few drinks at my condo . I know , stupid move , but in my defense , I have told Dick several times that I have a boyfriend in the States . We were catching up on our past relationships , reminiscing about the times we used to hang out , most of the stories he mentioned were nights I couldn 't remember at all . I hadn 't been thinking about him over the past years . It did become clear to me however , that he had been thinking about me . Then he started talking about the crappy things he did to me ; such as refusing the diamond stud earrings I bought him for Christmas because he only wears gold hoops , and the time I planned a romantic getaway and he left ten minutes after we checked into the hotel to go to a club with his friends , just to name a couple , there were plenty . I didn 't remember the Christmas incident but I remembered the money I wasted on the hotel , and sitting there crying . That was the moment he chose to grab my face and try to kiss me , I pulled away , I hope that wasn 't his idea of foreplay . I 'm not sure why he thought bringing up our shitty past would create a romantic ambiance , it was doing quite the opposite ; I was starting to dislike him all over again . He told me he loved me , not to let a man disrespect me like he had in the past , I was too special , and that I looked exactly the same as I did when we first met . Sounds great doesn 't it . That was until he added he should 've said I hadn 't changed from the shoulders down . Ouch what do call that an insultiment ? It all started coming back to me . He did that to me all the time , built me up with a compliment followed by an insult . I wanted to laugh , and cry at the same time . I was disappointed that I let someone like him into my life at twenty four and even more upset that I was so lonely I let him into my home that night . He was the same guy ; a forty year old man who had not grown as a person since the age of nineteen . He seemed to think he had , I know this because he 's spent the last eight years trying to convince me that he was a different man , and I should give him another chance . The reality is , that wasn 't real love then , and it sure as hell wasn 't going to be now . His next big move was informing me that older women are getting plastic surgery on their crotch so that is doesn 't look old and saggy . Then he asked me how mine looked , and if he could see it . I said its fine thanks , and no you can 't see it . I should 've asked him to leave , but I was not up for a confrontation . I was intoxicated and not strong enough to squash this path of destruction we were headed down , especially since we were about to be working together . He continued to ask if he could see my box for himself , so that he could be the judge of whether or not it looked old , and haggard . I gave him a firm no , not a flirty no , a solid no . Then he asked if he could touch it , that was it , I said I was tired , and it was time for him to go . It was humbling when I got my tips at the end of the night , after seeing a twenty five year old worth millions peform ; I had only a few dollars left after parking . As I waited for the traffic to thin out I sat in my car and spent the rest of my Saturday night streaming a movie on my phone . The tears ran down my face as I realized I was going to have to give up my condo , store my furniture , and rent a tiny room . After the movie was over , and the traffic had cleared , I pulled out to exit the parking lot only to be stopped at the gate by the parking lot attendant . He insisted that he recognized me , and even though he looked vaguely familiar , I hadn 't parked there in over ten years , and was not in any state of mind to entertain his banter . I shrugged my shoulder and showed him my parking receipt . He was not having it ; he insisted he knew me , and that I used to park there when I was young and pretty . Crotch guy wasn 't looking so bad now . I saw him checking me out from across the room , he was 6 ' 2 " , slim , light skinned , with blue eyes , he signaled me to come over . Whether it was my age , food deprivation , being single for five years , or all 3 , I didn 't care I gave myself permission to engage in any intimacy I desired . I told him straight up not to waste my time , if he wasn 't hung , he should move on . He took my hand and put it on his leg , I hit the jackpot , there was an anaconda running down his thigh . I 'm not the type of person to ditch her friends ; so this hook up had to be put on hold . I went back to drinking and dancing with the girls , Asa and I waited until the end of the night to be together . Three months later Asa called to meet up with me again ; he was thin , in a lot of pain , and walking with a cane . He said he 'd been in a car accident , and was recovering . Over the next few years we saw each other off and on , he slowly got better . When he 'd made a full recovery he told me the truth , that he 'd been battling cancer , and wasn 't sure if he was going to make it . He didn 't want me to know , because he was afraid I 'd only be seeing him out of pity . It was a beautiful fall afternoon when I last heard from Asa ; he called me to meet him in Buffalo . I saw him the second I crossed the border . He was standing next to his brand new Mercedes , with a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers in his hand , looking gorgeous and healthy like the night I 'd met him . He wrapped his arms around me , gave me a big kiss , then jumped in his car , and told me to follow him . He wanted to show me the plans he had for our future , the University he was going to attend , and where he saw us getting married . We hopped into our own vehicles and onto the freeway , when we got to the University we went for a long walk . The grounds around the campus were beautiful miles of green grass , and large leafy trees , that 's how I picture that day in my mind any way . After our walk we got back into our cars , Asa told me to follow him back to his place . As we approached the toll booth he started to speed up , then he jumped a few cars ahead of me . I could see him pay the toll , the next thing I saw was him speeding off . When I reached the toll booth he was almost out of sight , I could barely catch up to him he was going so fast . I saw him exit up ahead ; part of me was thinking I should just go home and never speak to him again . The other part of me was enraged and determined to make him own up to whatever shenanigans he was pulling . I took the same exit and continued to follow him , I caught up to him again , then he turned , and sped up . We were on a high speed car chase through the city streets of Buffalo , my heart was pounding out of my chest . I dialed his cell phone in an attempt to put an end to this , of course he was a pussy and didn 't answer . He made another turn ; I was right on his tail , he couldn 't shake me . I 'd had enough of this shit with men , this one was not going to get away . I was determined to make him face me , and man up to whatever game he was playing . When I made the left turn to follow him he was stopped on the side of the street facing my direction , he waited until I got next to him , then took off , by the time I turned my car around he was gone . I was shaking , and crying , I called my mom sobbing , asking her why this was happening to me . All she ever wanted was to see me happy ; instead all she ever saw was me getting my heart broken . I knew I was watching too much television when I made my own celebrity list , because I 'd seen this on several sitcoms . If you don 't know what that is , it 's a top ten list of celebrities you would like to have sex with . Couples make a list and if they get the chance they have permission to sleep with their celebrity crush . As it turned out when I was leaving a club in downtown Toronto someone handed me a flyer , on that flyer was an announcement that the person on the top of my list was hosting a party at a club in Toronto , and not just any club , but my favorite club , Fluid . When that night came I debated whether I should go , of course curiosity got the best of me . I never thought I would be in the same room as this young man let alone be able to attract his attention . When Carry and I got inside the club we walked to the back to check our coats , then headed to the bar for a drink , and there he was . I didn 't know what to do , there were girls allover him . I was determined to get close enough to him that he could make a move if he was interested . I led the way up to the bar , some how with ease I managed to be standing right beside him as I ordered our drinks , within minutes he whispered in my ear , " I 'd like to fuck the shit out of you and your friend tonight . " The next thing I know this club rat walks in out of nowhere and whispers something to him , then he and his crew start getting ready to leave . I couldn 't believe she was ruining this for me . I know his proposition was vulgar , I was a single forty year old about to hook up with the number one person on my celebrity list , and the number 1 player in the NBA , cut me some slack . Okay , maybe I was a little out of control . I sent Carry running to the coat check to grab our jackets , hoping he would invite us to join him wherever he was going . While she was getting the coats he leaned down , and asked me if we were coming with them . Uh ya ! I am a believer in warning signs , and if the events that took place when I tried to find love on the internet weren 't divine intervention sending me a very clear message that the love of my life is not on the internet then I don 't know what is . But you don 't need to hit me over the head more than three times when dates turn out this bad . My first experience was when I flew to California . I picked someone in Cali , because that 's where I always wanted to live . I figured I may as well try to meet someone where I wanted to settle down . Everyone kept bugging me to try dating on the internet , after years of being nagged relentlessly I gave in . I went fishing on the web and boy did I come up with quite a catch . After talking on the phone for a few months I decided to fly out to see him , he lived in Orange County , which was very nice and clean . In his pics he was gorgeous , fashionable , had a nice light brown skin tone , and looked like a model . When I landed and looked for him at the airport I didn 't even recognize him , it was a lie . I flew across the country for a lie . He was ten years older than the guy in the photo , 50 pounds heavier , out of shape , and not even the guy in the photo . On our first night out he asked me to share an entree with him , which turned my detective radar on . Then I found out he had no groceries , and by the third night he straight up said if I wanted to eat I had to pay , his bank took two car payments out of his account by mistake , and he had no money . I had been taking care of all my meals during the day while he was at work , and he couldn 't even spring for dinner , a movie , or groceries . I would never ask someone to fly here to see me if I had nothing . I didn 't have enough money to get a hotel , and I didn 't want to spend another 100 $ U . S . to change my flight to go home . I had already paid that to fly out early because he said he would have the hundred in his hand when I landed . This pursuit of love , and loneliness was going to be the death of me . I was home in the afternoon alone while JJ was at work , and I decided to snoop through his stuff , something didn 't seem right with him , and I wanted to find out what it was . I found a piece of paper on his desk by his computer that said there was a warrant out for his arrest . Don 't even try to criticize me for that , with all his sketchy behavior , I had a right to know what kind of guy I was dealing with . I 'd been scammed , and I wanted to find out the truth about this guy . Next I went for the closet , and tucked away in his gym bag on the floor was a letter from one of his ex - girlfriends crying about him cheating on her . She said in the letter that she couldn 't believe someone that acted so in love with her could do such a terrible thing to her . I called my sister immediately upon finding all this incriminating evidence , and she said to get the hell out of there . Then I called the airline and changed my flight to leave that night , and paid another $ 100 U . S . to get the out of there . JJ came home for lunch that day to drop off his vehicle for me so that I could go shopping for the afternoon . That was the original plan any way before I found the paperwork I 'd found , what really was going happen now was that I was going to take his jeep back to his place after I dropped him off , pack my stuff , put it in the trunk , then tell him to drop me off at the airport when I picked him up after work . JJ 's office was in an industrial area , there were no other cars on the road , well except for this one cop car that passed us going in the opposite direction . My heart started pounding in my chest when I saw it , my stomach was in my throat , but it passed us , I was relieved . We turned left and pulled up in front of JJ 's office buildPosted by I was invited by my co - worker to a girl 's weekend away in New York . This was an annual trip they went on to attend the Labour Day Parade ; I was a little apprehensive about staying in a two bedroom apartment with seven other women , in Flatbush , so I booked two nights at The W in Manhattan in case I needed space . I knew a guy in New York and he promised to join me for the two nights I was staying at The W . When I got to The W I unpacked my clothes , and counted my US dollars to see how much money I 'd spent so far . I recounted my money several times and went over what I 'd spent but my purchases didn 't add up to what I had left . I 'd only been in New York two nights , I knew I was missing $ 100 , my date didn 't show up so it wasn 't him . I spent the next two days in Manhattan shopping , and my nights tucked away in my room . When I returned to the apartment with the other girls I tried not to think about the missing money but it was hard . I couldn 't wait to go home . Everyone left money for our hostess , I got attitude because I didn 't leave as much as the other 's did , in my defense , someone in that room stole money from me , two nights out of the four I stayed at a hotel , so fuck you guy 's . When we got back to Toronto I told the girl who 'd invited me on the trip about the money I had taken from me , her come back the next day was that her and her sister were also missing money , ya right . I replied by saying it had to be one of the other two girls . The next thing I know she gets one of those girls a job in our restaurant , and tells her what I 'd said , which made working with her awkward . This 90 lb pip squeak threatened to cut me if I spoke about her again . It takes a lot more than you to scare me after working with the servers in downtown Toronto . It was only a matter of weeks before money went missing at work from someone 's wallet and the little bitch was tossed . A month later it was my birthday . I didn 't have any plans so I decided to treat myself to a day of shopping . I copied the hair style I learned from the girls in New York , a curl done with a triple barrel curling iron , which creates a nice luxurious wave , then I went to the MAC makeup store to find the shadows she used that were eye catching . As I searched the MAC store for the shadows , I was unaware that I was being watched through the glass . After I gathered up the colors I thought were the one 's she used on me , I walked up to the mirror and applied them to my eyes , I nailed it . They were exactly the one 's I was looking for . The change from that sale was $ 65 . 00 ; I didn 't know what to do with it . I walked out of the store and looked down each hallway to see if anyone was lingering . I could see two men leaning against a wall in the distance , it had to be them . I had two choices , one I could turn right and never see them again ; two I could walk over , thank him , and ask if he wanted his change back . I chose two because that 's the way I was brought up . The gentleman didn 't want his change , all he wanted was to have lunch and continue shopping for whatever else I had on my list . I agreed it seemed harmless ; I was in a large mall surrounded by people . We had lunch , then went to Aritzia and I tried on the Citizen Jeans I 'd been eyeing , he bought them for me , then he asked what else I was looking for , the next thing on my birthday list was a Coach purse . He asked if he could pick the next store and took me to Victoria 's Secret instead , then told me to pick out anything I wanted . I felt uncomfortable , but he insisted , three hundred dollars later ; I had a new bikini , workout top , a miracle bra and panties . After that he said he was at his limit for the day , he gave me his number , and told me he 'd leave it up to me whether I wanted to see him again . Sometimes I don 't feel like cooking on a Friday night . I have a few restaurants close by that make a nice salmon salad , I like to eat healthy , and this allows me to treat myself to a night off from the kitchen . What I don 't understand is why can 't I order takeout at my local restaurant , and wait for it in peace ? For some reason that is too much to ask , instead it 's an opportunity for obnoxious men to harass me . This has happened to me far too many times , and even once at Starbucks . If a man is attracted to me but too cheap to spend $ 7 . 00 to buy me a drink so he can approach me , do not try to hit on me by doing the following , I will embarrass you . Don 't watch me order and pay for my food then ask me where we are having dinner when it arrives . It 's not funny or cute , and neither are you . Why do Women Slut Shame Themselves It was well over one hundred years ago that women risked their lives and began the lengthy fight for us to have equal rights . I can 't imagine how furious they would be if they were alive today to witness how some of us sabotage ourselves in the work place . Women are still fighting for equal pay and equal opportunity for advancement in the corporate world to this day . Gaining the respect of your boss and coworkers is difficult enough without sabotaging yourself by being promiscuous . You can 't expect to be promoted if you 've disgraced yourself this way , you may even be risking your job . It would be difficult for any of those men to take you seriously if you were to become their boss down the road . Even worse is that you are inviting sexual advances from men you quite possibly do not want to hook up with , and it will be difficult for you to defend yourself or file a complaint against them , when everyone you work with has witnessed what could only be considered as encouragement . Don 't get me wrong , I do not place all the blame on women for this inappropriate flirtatious behavior . Men as well are to blame . I have yet to work with a man that wanted to have an intelligent conversation with me . The only topics they are willing to discuss are those that revolve around sex , and perversion , and if I don 't play along I 'm bullied , harassed , and alienated . They 've even gone out of their way to make it difficult for me to do my job . When I complained it only got worse . I was a lone wolf , a position I wouldn 't recommend anyone to put themselves in , it was mentally and emotionally taxing . The best advice I can give women is to present yourself in a respectable manner right from day one , and do not waver from this . Dress , and act professionally at all times . Then you will at least be putting yourself in the best position to be taken seriously , and treated with respect . If you represent yourself this way , and are mistreated you will have a leg to stand on , and be able to defend yourself . Most people let their need to be liked override their choice to stand up for themselves . They also choose not to confront inappropriate behavior for fear of the repercussions of being alienated from the pack . A situation I have witnessed far too many times . We need to take action , to start talking openly with men , and women from a young age . Companies are starting to hire people to discuss and coach their employees on appropriate behavior in the work place , which is definitely a move in the right direction . Both sexes must be educated that women are thinking , and feeling beings . We are not to be treated or to be felt as though we have to play the part of sex object in order to belong among a group of men . 1 . Eat salad every day , the more the merrier . Dark green leaf lettuce , with baby spinach , baby kale , and cucumber will give you the best results . 2 . Salmon is another great food for your face . Salmon is packed with omega - 3 fatty acids which helps keep your skin supple and moisturized . It 's important to nourish your skin from the inside out . The 3 day Perricone Prescription diet will give your face a lift . Of course there are many other foods , supplements , and facial treatments you can do that are effective in giving your skin a more youthful look as you age . Just check out my blog for a more in depth list of what you can do to look 10 years younger . Make small changes that you can commit to , so you stick to them long enough to see results . If you already have a healthy lifestyle you can see the benefits in a few days , but if your diet is more toxic it could take a few months of healthy eating . I developed a passion for discovering a way to slow down the signs of ageing after listening to people only ten years older then me constantly complain about getting old , as I grew up . I was determined that I wouldn 't be one of them . So when I hit 39 and saw the first signs of crinkling around my eye 's I quickly zapped that with some botox . That was easy I thought , and a reasonably cheap fix , until I entered my forties , which is when the real sign 's of ageing began . I learned about collagen , and elastin , and what our faces look like when our bodies stop producing those two important proteins that keep our skin tight , and firm . Now that I 've lived through the 40 - 50 age bracket I 've learned so much about how to fight the ageing process . Here is my modern day fountain of youth . I understand first hand what it feels like as a woman to be under a microscope as everyone around you examines your face daily , commenting out of nowhere on how they think your face looks that day . It makes us even more self conscious about those flaws that start to pop up as we age . It 's bad enough when we are critical of ourselves , even worse when you 're subjected to public scrutiny on a daily basis . As a consumer the change I would like to see in the industry is more honesty . I wish I had my own anti ageing clinic , and if I did this is how I would help my clients to tackle getting older . My clinic would deal with aging on the inside first , you have to get those cells inside you fed well , so they are active , and plump . I would focus first on fighting the ageing process at the cellular level , so we can look , and feel our best . After my clients cleaned up their diet , and got started on the right supplement regime , I would have them examine their before and after pictures , only then would I start to add in some of the new modern facial technology , and anti ageing products that we have available today . Most of the time we are receiving sales pitches from celebrities who are endorsing their own line , people who also have unlimited funds to spend on their skin . Another issue is that we are seeing models under forty in anti - ageing ads . We need to see real people in their forties , and fifties that have found effective lifestyle choices that have kept them looking younger . The other problem I have is that the person giving us advice is selling the service or product they are telling us is the best thing since sliced bread . Most of us just aren 't confident who we can trust anymore . I am 49 , I do not endorse a business , or product , which means all the advice I 'm offering are treatments , and remedies I do and use myself . They are all things I personally have seen results from , and they are well worth the investment I made . My hope is for people to see the face of someone who isn 't rich and famous and feel relieved that someone has their best interest and can truly help them to make great choices to look and feel their best . Here is a wealth of knowledge , where you should invest your money to fight ageing , the treatments , supplements , and products . 1 . The Perricone prescription 3 day face - lift diet . Easily found on the Internet . I went on this diet without telling anyone and the people at work were asking me after only 3 days , what I was doing for my skin , and telling me that it looked amazing . There are new supplements coming out all the time , don 't be afraid to try something them . Aim for nutritional drinks , our body absorbs nutrients from liquid better then from a pill . I 've taken samples in the health food store during a demo , and woke up the next day to see a more youthful looking face . 3 . Facial Acupuncture : Is another great nonsurgical treatment to reduce the signs of ageing . When the needles enter your skin they cause minor trauma , which causes your body to react by wanting to heal that area . It increases the blood flow to your face which stimulates cell renewal , and increases the production of collagen , that ever so important protein our body needs to give our skin a plump , smooth , firm appearance . Acupuncture will also leave your skin with a healthy youthful glow . For best results invest in 10 - 12 sessions , 1 - 3 times a week . 4 . Teeth : don 't forget that as we age our teeth get yellow . If you 're spending money on your face don 't forget to whiten your teeth , a yellow smile can quickly age your appearance . 5 . It 's good to change things up . Our bodies get accustomed to stimuli , it 's good to try new things . Try new supplements when they come out , try a variety of facial technology . Here are the one 's I tried that were worth the money . You do have to get a series to get results , Rf facials , mesotherapy , oxygen facials , microdermabrasion , endermolift , IpL treatment . 6 . If Sephora is launching a product with new technology , try it . They have a no nonsense refund policy . Kate Somerville recently launched an advanced wrinkle reducer that 's infused with oxygen . I would even go as far as to recommend that medi spa 's inform their clients of new technology that comes out in creams , even if it 's not something they carry . Such as stem cell creams that are becoming popular . I am a fan of Biocella genesistem used along with their Alpha Hydroxy Acid to exfoliate the old skin off to reveal a smoother appearance . There 's no sense putting expensive moisturizers on top of dead skin . Not everyone can carry everything , if a clinic you go to hears of something new and passes that information on to their clients it builds trust and appreciation . Nobody wants to waste their money on products that aren 't producing the best results they can get . 7 . There doesn 't seem to be anywhere for people on a budget to go for anti ageing treatments . I 'm not sure if that matters to anyone in the business , but I think that they are missing out on thousands of people that could be potential clients . I would dedicate one day a month that people can book the treatments that cost thousands of dollars , and let them buy a package for a few hundred . As it stands now the latest facial technology is at a price point only the wealthy can afford . True story : My long , thick hair was destroyed by a bad bleach job , it would not grow back . For 5 years it just kept thinning out and breaking off . When I mentioned this to my doctor , he simply said I was getting old . However , here I am ten years older and my hair is long , thick , and healthy . This is how I managed to get it to grow back : After 5 years of my father measuring the back of my hair to see if was getting any longer , he paid more attention to news focused on health . Then one day eureka , he saw a story about a naturopath that was doing IV vitamin therapy . After only three months of treatments my hair started to feel healthier , within a year it was much longer , and thicker . Two years later it was down to my waste . Since those treatments were pricey , I did some research and chose to take biosil drops in hope that it would help me maintain my healthy hair . I have continued to take biosil every day for over five years now . Both men and women constantly comment on my hair , and especially the people who saw me before the damage , during the damaged , and now after . 9 . Clients sometimes spend thousands of dollars on facials , and think they look the same , they just can 't seem to see the results . There was a time I bought a series of expensive facial treatments , and I was one of those people who thought there was no significant visible difference in my skin . Until I saw pictures of myself 9 months later when the effects started to wear off . I would recommend clinics encourage their clients to take selfies before and after treatments and then continue to do so once a month after they finish a series of treatments . This will provide them with the proof they need , so they know they are getting results , and which procedures gave them the best results . They must take the pictures in the same lighting and with the same makeup , to make it a fair comparison . 10 . It would be better business if skincare specialists weren 't as overly critical of their clients appearance . It has been my experience quite often after I sit down for a consultation , that I 'm hit with a sales pitch , to purchase an exorbitant amount of skincare treatments . I don 't feel at all as though they are offering me a course of treatment that will give me great results for the least amount of money . I don 't go back to the clinics that use this approach . Yes I realize I 'm there to seek advice on how to improve the appearance of my skin , however I am not there to be looked at as though I 'm a complete disaster , and need thousands of dollars of work . 11 . Far infrared sauna is great for detoxing , and giving your skin a youthful , plump , glowing appearance . 12 . Lastly , I was thinking more clinics could offer specials on a regular basis , not just when they first open . For example a trend right now when medi - spa 's first open is 10 units of botox free , with the purchase of 30 units , you never see these perks after the grand opening . Here is another way to build a solid clientele . I saw a deal on a package of Radio Frequency facials on the internet , and decided to try it out for the first time . I was very impressed when during the treatment their approach was to do one side of my face , have me look in the mirror to see the results , then finish with the other side . I could see the improvement immediately , my skin was more plump , some of the pigmentation imperfections had improved , it was smoother , and more youthful looking . If you offer new clients half price on a treatment that gives such impressive results , they will definitely keep coming back , and tell their friends about it . The bonus to all these tips is that you will not only look younger but you will feel better as well . People younger then you will be falling apart , complaining about their growing list of aches and pains , while your list will probably start getting smaller . Hopefully this inspires people to look after themselves , and take away some of the fear and dread of getting older . |
I am an older , non traditional student . I have worked in early childhood education for over 20 years . I recently decided to put all the courses together to work toward a degree . My goal is to get a degree at about the same time I retire . I take one class at a time because I am not willing to give up any of the other wonderful things in my life . And They Pay Me , TooSunday As a teenager , I was in great demand as a babysitter . As a waitress , I couldn 't carry coffee and was a bit flitter - headed . I worked piecework in a shoe shop . Mindless work is not as bad as most people think . There is something Zen - like about using your hands and letting your mind drift . Over forty hours a week , however , the mind drifting becomes mind numbing . As an Early Childhood Education Technician , I think I 've found my fit . It fills the void in me that needs children and grandchildren . I 'm valued as an asset to the classroom . The children know me as the other teacher in the room . I feel I make a difference , if not in their lives , then in their day . MondayHe hasn 't had his meds . That 's obvious . And the teacher is leaving for the afternoon . He can 't stop talking , can 't keep his hands to himself . We need to call his mother , but that 's not my job . I gently take his arms and place him in his seat . I say , " I 'm going to ask you to sit in your seat . I 'm going to ask you to do that a lot today . Not because you 're bad . You 're being as good as you can be . I 'm just going to help you . You can take your chair to story time . " He earnestly peers into my face , eyes big behind his glasses and quietly says , " Thank you Mrs . Linda . " Tuesday " I used her chapstick and now the guys are telling me I 'm a girl . " " How many days this year did we talk about germs and not sharing chapstick ? " " It 's O . K . it 's not germy . I wiped it off . " From another corner , " Haven 't you heard about the Wine Flu ? " WednesdayI am in my chair taking a quiet breath . On my left , the teacher and the reading specialist are having a slightly heated discussion about the writing rubric . I contribute some to the conversation , while to my right controlled chaos reigns . Two little girls come to give me a hug . One hops away to join the chaos , but the littlest one stays . I feel her feet slide up into my lap as she curls up and begins to rock me . We enjoy a quiet minute until the controlled chaoPosted by Sister friends and Friend sistersThe friend that is hard to get to know , but in the end is worth it . The friend that will cry with me when I need it and the other one that will make me laugh over the same situation . The baby sister , ten years younger , now age matters less , now friends . The one that you really have to get to know to understand what a good friend she is . The sister that is in little contact , but if I need her , she 'll be there . To make me a meal or clean my house . The friends that are sisters because we share the bond of the pink t - shirt at the Komen Race . The sister that will join me in that pink shirt this year . The friend that sent her a card with a picture of us at last year 's race with a caption , " I 'll have another Pink Lady please . " The sister that we think is weak and wishy - washy . She may the strongest of us all . A core of steel . Living her life just the way she needs to . Friends who sat beside me in Kindergarten . Still friends today . The sister that moved very far away for a very long time , but never really left me . The friends that meet once a week for breakfast . Can 't explain why it is so important , but it is . The friend that meets me at the end of the hall for bus duty and debriefing about our day . The friend that teaches beside me daily and can drive me crazy , but still loves me when I go over the edge . All my sister friends and friend sisters that know me so well and still love me . At my worst and at my best . When I 'm lovable and when I 'm not . They are like Marcus Pfister 's Rainbow Fish . They have all given me one of their shiny scales . Theme week 15 , Juxtaposition IICancer , Out The Other SideNo such thing as a bad day . If it 's not Chemo , it 's not a bad day . Learn what is a big deal . If it 's not cancer , it 's probably not a big deal . I 'll never complain about my hair again . O . K . That one didn 't last , but it seemed like a good idea . Love being a strong , healthy ray of hope to others who are starting the process . Never take energy and strength for granted . Decide what I really Posted by Bone White , Blood Red He 's gone into the pain . The bone white , blood red pain . He talked to his wife long enough to let her know he would survive the night , but he had to go back in to deal with the pain . The only thing in the outside world that he can see is the red light on the morphine drip . Watching for it to turn green so he can hit that button . But it 's not touching the pain . He knows that tomorrow he 'll watch the sky lighten up and he will be outside the pain just a bit . He 'll smile as he tells the nurse about his dog . He 'll think of his wife and miss her but hopes she will stay home , enjoy her day and take his dog for a walk . The next day he 'll be on top of the pain and start to think about getting all the tubes and needles out so he can go home . He 'll ask the therapist , " How many of these fucking stairs to I need to do so I can get out of here ? " And he 'll find the strength to do them . The day after that he 'll sit outside in the wheelchair while his wife brings the car around . He 'll feel the sun on his bones . He 'll listen to the birds sing . The contentment of being outside those walls will wash over him . Spring has arrived in the last four days just for him . But right now , he 's gone into the pain . The Longest Minutes of a LifetimeShe hears the screams as she crosses the bridge , the large dog slowly walking by her side . " My boy ! My baby ! Someone help me ! " The worst thing that can happen to a parent has happened to this mother . The distraught mother runs out to the road . She grabs the woman walking her dog . " Will that dog sniff a child ? Will it help me find my boy ? " " Have you called the police ? " " Yes , they 're on their way , but help me . " Oh , Lord , she thought . This was Gretchen , the stupidest dog she ever owned . Gretchen was sweet and tried so hard to figure out what you were saying but really only ever learned three words . She knew " go lay down " and she was so happy to do that for you . Gretchen was a foster dog , left with the woman " for just the weekend " by her sister who had moved to California , two years before . She called her the city dog . The first weekend in her new home , Gretchen , who had never seen water not coming out of a tap stepped off the rock on the riverbank like she was going to walk on water . The woman had to run down the riverbank calling the dog 's name and clapping her hands as the dog 's head went under again and again . Finally the dog came close enough for the woman to grab her and pull all of her wet one hundred pounds out of the water . It took weeks for the dog to learn that walking across the bridge in town was safe . But the out - of - her mind mother doesn 't need to know all this . She just needs hope and help . So the woman walks the St . Bernard down the riverbank pretending that the dog is searching while her heart pounds with fear . She sees something white floating in the river . No , thank God , just a plastic bag . With relief she hears the police sirens come closer , almost drowned out by the screams of the grandmother coming into the drive . Gretchen could have redeemed herself by finding that child and becoming a hero for the rest of her life . She could have been in the paper and on the local news . That didn 't happen and Gretchen didn 't care . A happy ending iPosted by MINE . MINE . MINE ! Mine ! Possibly the third word every American child learns to say . Mine ! My momma . My daddy . My toy . " Mine , Mine , Mine " the seagulls squawk in Finding Nemo , jumping up for food . " He took my snow ball ! " The playground is covered in thirty inches of new snow . I look around for the trouble spot . " I made a snow ball and he took it . " " He shouldn 't have done that . Tell him how that made you feel . " " It was mine ! " " Stop pushing up there ! " I yell in another direction looking up at six - year - olds on the top of the snow bank . " We 're playing King of the Mountain ! " they yell back . " You can 't play it that way . We need to find new rules . Come on down , let 's talk . " " Can 't . It 's mine " One might think that humans would outgrow this behavior as they learned that you couldn 't own people and pieces of ground , but no . The new mom looking down at her child secretly and gently says it . The newly married couples think it as they slip rings on each other 's fingers . I said it as I signed the papers on my new house . From a family of nine , I had never had my own bed now a whole house was mine . I feel it in my soul as I turn the corner at the top of my walk and look down at my town and my river . Or as I come across the bridge at my lake . As old as time , across all cultures . People fighting for what they perceive as theirs . " Mine , " they said as they landed on the shore of the new world . " Mine , " they said to the Native Americans , the French and the Spaniards as they headed West and South for new land to claim as theirs . And then invented new guns to make sure they understood . " Mine , " they said as they tried to draw lines in the ocean . My place to fish , my place to keep my shore safe from people like you , my place for my boats . And then invented better boats , airplanes and submarines to make sure they could keep it . " Mine , " we said as we shot ourselves into space to the moon and planted a flag that proved it was ours . Men , all true , not all my man . Overheard in the mall : Male voice in the stall , " Honey would you bring me a size 38 so I can see how they look ? " Wife as she walks away , " No Honey , they 'll look awful . " I can just wonder how long he stood in there in his underwear wondering what she means and if she is coming back with pants . Man , " You can 't keep leaving my mother alone in the store . She gets confused . " Woman , " Her pocket book has been up my ass all day . I 'm just trying to leave her with you for a minute . " Forgetful man : Husband reading the court news in the newspaper , " Honey , what 's Christopher 's ( their son ) middle name ? " Retired too long man : Every time I get in the car I hear the passenger door slam and his voice say , " Where 're we going ? " I can no longer shop by myself . I walk through the store and he just keeps breathing behind me . I just keep hearing him breathe . I can cook man : Husband standing in the kitchen with a puddle of melted cheese on the floor at his feet , eating a sandwich . " How much cheese to you put in a grilled cheese sandwich ? " I can cook and suck the joy out of your day man : Wife , coming home to camp after a golf game , " Honey , wait until I tell you about my game ! " Husband , " I cooked your supper and got tired of keeping it warm , so if you want your hotdog , it 's in the lake . " Women have no sense of humor man : Wife coming home with groceries , calling out his name , finds him face down on the cellar stairs . He realized it was not a good joke only when he heard the bloodcurdling scream and the potatoes hitting the floor . The I 'll just make them laugh man : I get a call from my friends husband saying , " She 's on her way over . She just got a call . Her brother does not have long to live . " I meet her in my driveway . We grab each other , hold on tight and cry . My mom and her brother on death beds . When we get ourselves under control and stumble into house , my husband says , " You 've got to stop doing that . The neighbors think you 're gay and I 'm a bit excited . " cindylou Birth or DeathI headed for my favorite debriefing place . My lake . Everybody needs a place to go to be alone when times get tough . And this had been one tough day . A piece had been busted out of the circle of life . The lake was working its magic . I sat enjoying the way the wooden dock stretched out before me into the blue of the water and the blue of the sky with nothing but green of trees to break the blue . As I sat contemplating nothing but the blue and green , an ugly black bug crawled up from the water and attached itself to the dock by its picky feet . I knew it was a Dragonfly bug . I had read that they live in the water for about five years before coming out on land and morphing into large blue - green Dragonflies to mate and lay eggs . I watched the back of the bug split open like something from a horror movie . Iridescent colors started out of the black . I was amazed at the size of the Dragonfly that unfolded its body from the ugly bug . It has to be three times the length of the bug , which was now only a bug shell . It looked like a wet newborn baby . For hours I sat and watched as its body filled with life giving blood , it 's wings the last to dry and open . As I watched , my mind drifted back through my day . Life and death . I wondered if the black bug knew that by crawling out of the water he was going to a new life ; a life with wings , trees , blue sky and a mate . Did the bugs left below know that he went to a new life or did they just know he was gone ? Which is the true life ? The one crawling around underwater or the one flying in the sunshine ? What is this new blue ? A flash out of the tree beside me . A Blue Jay swooping down . Fragile as HopeWe 're all set for the party . The family loves an excuse for a get - together . Chocolate cake . A must for this family . All the party foods lined up on the buffet . Finger sandwiches with paprika . ( Why ? Can you really taste it ? ) Chips , dip , squares of cheese , crackers , ham , pork roast , beans , chili ( with a disclaimer about the bear meat for the squeamish ) . Birthday decorations , but no black , even though she 's sixty . No black . Here she comes ! Surprise ! I hope she doesn 't mind . I would . I hate surprises , even good ones . I need more control over my life . God , she 's thin . Tears in her eyes as she sees all her friends and family , but laughing . I put my arm around her . Feel her bones under my hand . Guide her into the room . Point out friends from the campground . Somebody get her a glass of wine . I 'll have one with her . Here we are for the pictures . Old Dad with his cane . Happy to have so much of his family in one place . The crazy brother . Already with his hat on backwards and huge crazy sunglasses he found somewhere . The quiet brother , happy to be in the background , drinking soda , knowing he will once again drive the crazy , fun loving brother home . The other two sisters and me , smiles plastered , making sure the food is set , the people are having drinks , the cake candles are lit . And the birthday girl . Thin . Hair just starting to fall out . Each breath an audible drawing in . I should be able to help her with this . I 've survived it . I 've helped her through other things in our life . She 's older , she 's smarter , she 's always been more talented . But she 's fragile . As fragile as hope . Always has been . I 'm the strong , tall , athletic one . She 's mentally fragile . There 's a medication for Failure to Cope . We laughed when the doctor put her on a pill for that . She 's physically fragile . She 's never been healthy . Always smoked too much , drank too much . Chased demons that I never understood . Tomorrow , she 'll do the next round of chemo . She 'll call me . We 'll talk of hair and eyelashes . And fragilPosted by Because I CanI make supper like it 's any other day . I 've talked to friends and family . Convinced them that I 'll be fine . Try not to say cancer , just say lump . My husband comes through the door . Green Dickie work clothes laced with welding holes , lunch pail on counter . Dirty , tired like any other day . I drop the tomato - y spoon . I point to my neck , words yip out that make no sense . * * * * * * In my mind think I 'll ski full and strong as I 've done for years . Close to home this time in case it doesn 't go well . Weak and not admitting it . The skis slip ahead of the body and down I go . Terror strikes as my head falls back . Terror all out of proportion to the fall . Thirty stitches across the front of my throat hold . What did I think , that my head was going to fall off ? * * * * * Head strapped to the table . Nurses caring , touching , loving my hair . They are happy for me that I won 't lose it . They are more accustomed to older and balder . Or little bald children , children must be the worst . The nurses like me . I look healthy and happy . A nice break from their normal . Strange green and red lights . Hard to believe lights will kill cells . * * * * * * Midnight all the time . Never have been so tired . People expect things I can 't deliver . Just too tired , can 't even explain how tired a strong , always been fit , in the prime of her life woman can be . Everyone so kind , but needing things . Needing me to be healthy . Needing me to be happy . Needing me to pretend . Just go , let me be . Let me be tired . * * * * * * Skiing across the lake , heading for beautiful , snow capped Mt . Katahdin . Won 't really make it to the mountain , but I can ski toward it . Skiing hard and fast and alone , celebrating the fact that I can . Healthy sweat steaming up from the jacket , working too hard , going too far , because I can . What a JobHere they are . All on one side of six years old or the other . Most with at least one tooth missing . The one whose mom spent hours French braiding her hair , the one who slept and peed in the clothes he wore yesterday , got up this morning and got himself off the school in those same clothes . The one sitting quietly waiting for the next direction , the one crawling under the table and the one tapping me on the butt for attention . There is a little group of boys at the cubbies exchanging Sponge Bob stories . One sitting with his hands over his ears , over - sensitive to a sound I can 't hear and he can 't tolerate . It may be a toilet flushing down the hall or a train too far away for me to hear . Suddenly it 's there welling up from somewhere under my heart . Not a hot flash , but they can bring it on . Not anger , but the butt tapping may put me over that edge . No , a wave of love . Suddenly I absolutely love every child in the room . A love that extends out the window to the white birches against the blue sky . I still for a breath , letting the children 's voices take over while I enjoy the feeling . The door opens and the classroom teacher walks in . We look at each other and take a deep breath . Crazy Lou " Why is my sister friends with this man ! " That was my first impression of Lou . A big , loud , Italian that I initially thought may have been abusive to his wife and children . It was not long before he won me over with his obvious love of his family , the worry and responsibility masked by loud gruffness . Won me over with his loyalty to my baby sister ( closer to fifty that any of us want to think about , but still the baby ) that included her family and friends . Won me over with his " Let me cook you a meal . " I learned about the real man as he watched his wife die of lung cancer . A man who does not do well alone , he married a friend of mine , helped her raise her girls and his two boys . Then , in far too short a time , watched her die of breast cancer . Through it all he is still big , loud , crazy Lou . Loves big , gets mad big , lives big . But trouble started when the California sister came home for a visit . The newly divorced , never going to do it again , had it with men , sister . The baby sister and I saw it coming from a mile away . Just like a freight train and just as impossible to stop . The California sister and Crazy Lou were madly in love before nine days had gone by . We tried to head it off . We tried to get them to listen to reason . We said it could never work . He could never make it in California . How could a federal fire arms dealer who likes to target practice from his front porch live in Southern California ? She could easily come home . After having her too far away for twenty - six years , we would love that , but what about the children ? An almost adult child living with his father and a twelve year old living with her . Her boys both loved Maine . The youngest especially understands the joy of extreme changes in weather . But there is a big difference between visiting Maine in the summer and surviving winter . The in - love adults were beyond reason . Obstacles fell out of the way and there was no stopping them . The California sister moved home with her youngest , a beautiful , sensitive , mixed race child . She movPosted by My LakeMy lake . It 's been my lake since I was ten years old . Then it was a wild place with three tents for the seven wild children and the two parents brave enough to take them to a place with no road and no people . I vividly remember the first time we made the trip to the side of the lake we had only viewed from the other shore . A Mom two months away from birthing number seven . A Dad unafraid to take six small children and a pregnant wife into uncharted territory . A hot walk around the shore and through a brook when the family got lost trying to find a dry way around . Dad at one point sat us all down under a tree while he went on without us to see if we were anywhere near our own three hundred feet of shoreline on our lake . I didn 't mind taking my turn carrying a younger brother . It was an exciting adventure . Then , we were at the shore . All of us stripping off what clothes we didn 't need and walking into that water . The coldest , clearest water I have ever felt or seen . The sun shining down through the water to the rocks . I didn 't know it was not normal to be able to see through twenty feet of water to the rocks below . The adventure just got better as the summer went on . We came back later with supplies brought over by boat . We put up the three tents . One for the boys , one for the girls and one for the parents . My Dad built a road that was semi - assessable if you had a four wheel drive . When that last baby girl was born before the summer was over , they made a hammock out of a clothes basket covered in cheese cloth to keep the mosquitoes from carrying her away and hung it in a tree . I 'm happy to say she did get to go in a tent at night , but I wonder now what Child Protective Services would have thought of the whole deal . That summer we helped Dad build the camp on the weekends . We passed boards and pounded nails . During that summer and for many summers after we owned that shoreline . There were no other camps near us until years later . We made pathways up and down the shoreline with our little bare feet . We fPosted by LOOK OUT ! Looking back on this day , the first thing that surprises me is that friends were letting me drive . Evidently these friends hadn 't yet talked to other friends that had learned their lesson . I have to admit I 'm a bit of a flake when it comes to driving . Too much to pay attention to . Which lane ? What right turn ? Where 'd that car come from ? Plus , I was driving a Chevy Celebrity , a shit box of a car with eroding brakes . We had a wonderful day planned . My friend MaryLynn is a great planner . Newly moved to Maine from New York , she could not believe we had never visited the Roosevelt summer home on Campobello Island . My friend Barbara had found an article in Down East magazine . There was a golf course nearby and we were good to go . We golfed an interesting little course in Roque 's Bluff . It 's interesting because the water hazards change with the tides . MaryLynn is the most consistent player I play with . One hundred and twenty yards straight ahead . Over water , sand , rocks , one hundred and twenty yards . Barbara is a long straight ball striker . As long as most men and straighter . We call her " Easy Trail " because she 's not into working too hard . She doesn 't like to sweat . We think that 's why she hits so long and straight . It 's just easier . I don 't think I need to talk about how she falls apart around the greens . It 's what keeps her playing with us mortals . My ball is apt to be most anywhere . There is consistency only in my inconsistency . We had our usual great time at the little course and moved on the cottage where we all wanted to live . The Roosevelt cottage is amazing . The grounds so well designed , the architecture of the cottage so beautiful . The large oval captain 's window frames the gardens and lawn stretching down to the harbor . The cottage inside is stuffed full of comfortable looking period furniture in big colorful patterns of the time . Cabbage roses all over the place . The wallpaper has big sprays of lilacs , Eleanor 's favorite . We were surprised to see steps throughout the housePosted by The Mama MittenShe is skiing alone on a familiar trail . She is looking at animal tracks as she pushes the skis ahead of her . She hears a blue jay . She has skied further than usual . She is too warm so she takes off the first layer of mittens . She thinks of the mom who had made the mittens before she passed away . It is getting dark and she is almost back to car . She stops because the sun is going down and she is cooling . She reaches in her pocket for the mittens and realizes one has fallen out of her pocket . She turns back , retracing her ski trail . She is about to give up , when she sees the mitten half buried in the snow . She is so glad to have found it , but knows she is going to really tired by the time she gets back to the car . The Mama MittenShe is skiing alone on a familiar trail . She doesn 't mind the aloneness . She is looking at animal tracks as she pushes the skis ahead of her . Today there are only coyote tracks and tracks of small animals , maybe rabbits . There is a foot of fresh snow and the deer and moose must be still bedded up , not moving around much this afternoon . She often imagines they have just stepped off the trail ahead of her and are watching her ski by . She hears a blue jay . " EEE - AY , EEE - Ay . " calls the raspy , raucous voice . She has skied further than usual and is sweating in the seven degrees . She stops to take off the brown and white double knit mittens that her mom had made before she passed away . She watches the steam rise off her hands as she thinks of her mom . She is still taking care of her Cindy Lou , keeping her hands warm . She remembers when she was a child and had so much trouble getting to sleep . Her mom would come into the room , rub her back and say , " Turn your face to the wall Cindy Lou and shut your eyes . You have nothing to worry about . I 'm here . Go to sleep . " She remembers that she used to have a gold locket with her mom 's picture in it . It was lost somewhere in the childhood . She would love to have it around her neck instead of in her memories . It is getting dark and Posted by I stand in my on my snowy deck , my flannel pajamas cozy under my ski pants . I am leaning on a shovel . I will clean off this deck , but first I need to enjoy the quiet that only comes when the snow is still falling , but the sun is just visible behind the milky clouds . Soon I will hear snow blowers and plows start all up and down my street . But for now , here I am on the dead end of my street , looking at the frozen river . The husband , the dog and the cat are just behind me in the house , but I get this moment . " So , if you clean the cars off and move them , I 'll start snow blowing . " he says as the well trained Springer tumbles out the door in front of him , ready for whatever fun is in store . " Do you think I need to roof rake this storm ? " This is a job he has allowed me to take over as it gets harder for him . Not easy for him to admit that he needs help with these outdoor chores . " Just take a little off the edges . " I have just started on a small roof , not even near the main part of the house when I hear what sounds a lot like an avalanche . " What the hell ? " Every piece of snow has come off the roof of the main part of the house in a big thump . Wow that was cool . Oh no , where is that little white dog . Is she under there ? " Where 's the dog ! ? " I yell , but of course he can 't hear over the noise of that snow blower . Oh good , there she sits on a snow bank at the end of the walkway . Sitting so cute and safe watching the snow fly out of the end of the snow blower chute . My relief changes to horror as I see the big wing of a plow thundering toward us down the street . " Come ! " My voice more screech than command . She calmly turns her head and looks at me as if to say , " I love you , but he told me to stay . I really want to come see you , but you know how he is about that whole stay thing . " " Come now ! " Another screeching command that never fails when he does it . She now looks like she may be considering it . " Well maybe , but it 's really better for all concerned if I listen to him . " Her eyes roll toward Posted by Rural Maine in the sixties was a lot like the rest of the country in the fifties . Families with a mom , dad and their children . Not many blended families . Dad went to work . Mom stayed home . For the most part , people stayed married . Parents expected that their daughters would work in an office after high school , get married , have children . Boys would go to college or the draft would grab them . The parents had done their part , raising them through high school . Was it a rising social consciousness or a changing world that changed my television viewing from From Dick Clark 's Band Stand to Laugh - in . They were so irreverent and caused me to question things I never thought to question . I didn 't have much , but I did have to have those white vinyl boots . Not good in winter in Maine . From Leave it to Beaver to the Vietnam war in my living room , not knowing it was going to come even closer in my life . From Rin Tin Tin to dogs biting Afro - Americans . There were no black people in my town . Not one . I had no real reference , but couldn 't imagine why I would be mad at them . My father told me years later that he thought I would end up married to some kind of minority . No , that was the other sister . I was stuck between loving Elvis Presley and Dean Martin when The Beatles hit town . Look at that hair ! Simple songs . She Loves You , Ya , Ya , Ya . What was there about them that we loved ? We did not know how brilliant they were . They grew and evolved with us . They never stopped learning about themselves or their craft . Real life came off the television when I met the older brother of a friend . Newly back from Vietnam , trying to drink away the smell of Napalm and the sight of ruined villages . Drink away the memories of the armed guard walking him through the protesters in the airport . Trying to retain the memories of people he wasn 't mad at who were just trying to farm their beautiful land . Retain the memories of the Catholic churches and the Mountanard people who befriended him . Retain the memories of an America he loved and respected that askPosted by MondayBack to work for the week . Sixteen kindergarten children . Do no harm . They love school . They have so much to learn about how to be citizens of the school and still have to learn reading and math . They come in so happy to be part of the school system . What do we do to them to make them hate it by 5th grade ? Work with a teacher that I love . I go between thinking she is whacko and thinking she is a brilliant teacher . Both true . Love her . Love the children . Love my job . Having a Merlot while I do my homework . Love this class . TuesdayBeautiful moon last night and walking across the parking lot into work was a beautiful sun and moon . Good day today . No crazy teacher . A sweet substitute . Too quiet , too sweet . Children turning to chaos . Tried to hang back and let the sub learn . Couldn 't . Had to step in and take control . Better for everyone . The children appreciate boundaries . Went for a nice walk after school . Met my friend , unplanned . Had a walking visit . Met a boy and his Lab . Little visit . Going to the basketball game tonight . Watching my wonderful , beautifully mixed raced nephew play . Hope he gets some playing time . He 's quietly good , not flashy . WednesdayWork was good . Getting really cold . Went to sister 's house to siphon wine . Sacred Sisters winery has 12 more gallons bubbling . Really glad she 's come home after 26 years in CA . Fun . Had a birthday visit with friends I don 't visit with much . Love them , but not into the sitting and drinking coffee visit thing . Friends need to move to hang with me . ThursdayStarted a weight lifting class . Feeling good and strong . Joke is that I don 't want to blow out a pec and end up with an implant near my belly button . Breast cancer , not enhancement . New exercise buddies . We had so much fun . Laughing , teasing . Something to add to my skiing , walking , snowshoeing , golfing , kayaking . Staying strong , staying healthy . Never take movement for granted . Home this evening , glad I don 't have to go anywhere . Enjoying a Dean Koonz book . Just finished a Stephen King . In between , I read a book cPosted by I must have been around eight years old . I remember that I had recently discovered reading real books , beyond Dick and Jane . Remember , I am an older student . I even wanted to read The Red Pony , by John Steinbeck . My mom told me I would not understand it . I remember reading it . I don 't remember if I understood it . Because of the reading , I wanted to write . There was a book in my head about all the things I was doing in my day . It was all I knew . " She walked around the lilac tree on the lawn and there was her sister . She said hello to her . " For a while , in my mind , I was a writer . You are a student in Early Childhood . You are a writer . Your mom , dad , and grandparents have always loved your stories . They believe you are brilliant and one of a kind . They are amazed at your imagination . Last year 's teacher loved your writing . She loved your ideas . She was interested in what you had to say every day in your journal . She talked about uppercase letters , punctuation and words you should know how to spell , but she mostly said what great ideas you had . She was enthusiastic to such a degree that you just stared at her , shaking your head . But you felt great . You felt like a writer . This year the teacher is different . She writes all over your page in red ink . She crosses out words and you don 't know why . She writes words over your words and you don 't know what they say . She says , " Don 't use conversation . You don 't know how to do it . " She says nothing about the heartfelt story you have worked so hard on . She passes the paper back and says rewrite it with the corrections . You hate writing and you 'll never do it after you leave this school . She sat in an ITV classroom , a class of one . The teacher in the television was re - explaining an assignment that the student had already passed in . It was a psychology class . The student had written a piece on a subject she felt passionately about . She felt she might have been a bit preachy . She was bored with the re - explanation and booted up an abandoned computer in the corner . She was very invoPosted by |
Introduction - Home Again The marriage lasted just seven months . My mom had warned me , and now I had to face the music as , at age nineteen , I carried boxes of my belongings back into her home and up to my childhood room . I took my time putting my things away to avoid her " I told you so " looks for as long as possible . When I finally came downstairs , mom was serving plates of pasta at the kitchen table . We ate in relative silence , which surprised me as it was not like her to let such a big thing go without a argument about how irresponsible I was . After dinner we watched TV for a while and then I excused myself to go to bed . " Wake up ! " My mom yelled , startling me . Before I could move she began pulling at my flannel lounge pants which I quickly realized were soaked with urine . This wasn 't a surprise to me , but I hadn 't expected my Mom 's reaction . She tore the pants off my legs leaving me naked from the waist down . " Now ! " She barked as I tried to argue . I felt myself turning over without thinking , and was surprised at how quickly my submissive role with my mom had returned . I only had a moment to ponder this thought before my mom brought the paddle down hard on my backside . I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it to cover my yelps and cries as she beat my backside with the thick wood paddle . As she beat me , she also scolded me like I was a child still " How dare you ! . . . . You think the old rules wouldn 't apply ? . . . nineteen year old sissy boy , that 's what you are ! " She continued the beating for several minutes until I was a blubbering mess , shaking and crying . When she finally stopped she ordered me to get in the bathtub , and I quickly ran off in the direction of the bathroom . After I bathed I returned to my room , and stood naked in the doorway - which I knew would be expected of me . I watched as my mom finished tucking in the top sheet of a dry set of bedclothes . My wet sheets and lounge pants sat in a sodden pile on the floor . When she was done Mom looked over at me and pointed at the bed . Obediently I padded over and laid down . As I did , mom went over to my dresser and removed one of my old cloth diapers and a pair of pink nursery print plastic pants she had bought online . The pink pants were my " punishment pants " that mom used when I had been especially naughty . " I gave you a chance to be responsible , and what did you do ? You ran off and got married . Then when your skank of a wife left you , you come back here and wet your bed knowing full well you are supposed to wear diapers on this house ? Well , it 's going to be a while before you get another chance at responsibility ! " " Lift up . " she said , softer now , and slid the diaper under me . Pinning it on tightly , she warned me against trying to remove the diaper , an un - needed warning as I knew the punishment pants - which she then handed to me to put on - meant that I wouldn 't be allowed to use the toilet or change myself . " Yes Ma ' am " I replied as she left the room . I wiped a tear from my cheek and went to my dresser where I found the pink t - shirt and slipper socks that completed my punishment outfit . I put them o , then looked at myself in the mirror . I had worn this outfit often , but never looked as pathetic and girly as I did then . I was a sissy baby again , and somehow it fit me . I waddled down the stairs , trying to get used to the thick diaper I hadn 't worn in the 18 months I had been out on my own . In the kitchen I took my place at the table and mom served me my usual breakfast , a bowl of oatmeal and a sippy cup of juice . While I was eating , my mom sat down and gave me my chores for the day . " I want you to straighten up your room , sweep out the garage and then mow Ms . Johnston 's lawn for her . I cringed at the mention of an outdoor chore as my current clothing is all I would be allowed . Fortunately most of my time would be spent in Ms . Johnston 's back yard . . . not that it mattered , everyone in our gated community had seen me " dressed up " at some point in history . " Good boy . " Was all she said , then left me . I ate slowly , then headed outside . It 's not that I was looking forward to the trip down the lane to Ms . Johnston 's place , but it was shaping up to be a hot day , so I wanted to get the mowing done in the cooler morning hours . Without shame - since I had no modesty left in this neighborhood - I walked down the sidewalk to Ms . Johnston 's house at the end of the short road that served out gated community of ten homes . I didn 't mind helping Ms . Johnston out as she was a very nice lady and needed the help since her husband had died a few years before . I rang the bell on her front door and waited . " Hey there ! Your mom said you were coming home , but I didn 't expect you to be . . . uh . . . back in your old uniform . " To my surprise and horror Ms . Johnston didn 't answer the door , but instead her grand - daughter Julie did . I had always had a crush on Julie , and felt myself getting hard inside my diaper . " Yeah , some things don 't change " I said lightly , trying to act as though I wasn 't bothered by my outfit . We talked for a minute and I got the feeling that Julie was as happy to see me as I was to see her . Before I could explore that theory further she cut the conversation short by saying " Well , I better let you get to work , I know your mom keeps you on a tight leash and I don 't want to be the reason you get punished ! " Since we were BOTH in diapers we had been playmates , so Julie had seen enough of my punishment and training to know how things went . " I stood silently as my mom counted off my good deeds . This was the process . If I did all my chores well I would be free for the rest of the day . If I missed something I would stay in the corner until mom was ready to deliver my punishment . " However . . . " She continued , and I began to tense up in fear , " . . . I still think a little re - training is in order since you did choose to wet the bed last night , and I suspect that means you didn 't wear your diapers the whole time you were away from home . " I felt tears welling up in me , not from fear , but from shame as I suddenly felt terrible about my attempts at freedom . Something inside me told me that I belonged at home , and that my mothers training and discipline was exactly what I needed . " Yes . I think so . Why don 't you head there now . " Without a word of protest I turned , walked past my mom and headed downstairs and out of the house . Some of you may know the woodshed as a place you go to get a spanking from your dad , but around here it 's much worse ! The Woodshed started for me when I was still a boy . Mr . Wright ran the woodshed , which was actually a large barn behind his house . All of the children of the gated community had spent some time there , some more than others . I had rarely gone more than a week or two without a visit . For each errant child the visit was different , and Mr . Wright kept a book that documented the way each mother felt her children should be disciplined . I was shaking by the time I reached Mr . Wright 's property line . Knowing my mom would have called him by now , I went past the house , and headed straight to the barn . " Come in Boy ! " Mr . Wright said sternly as I entered the barn . I closed the barn door behind me , and locked the latch . Much like Vegas , what happened in The Woodshed , stayed in the woodshed . " Take a seat . " He instructed , and I sat in the oversized wood chair . I sat there nervously , urine leaking out of me and into the diaper from fear as Mr . Wright pulled a large lather - bound book from a desk in the corner . " But it has been a while , so I 'll read over things for a minute . " Neither of us said a word as he read page after page that I knew counted off all the ways I had been punished , and everything I had done to deserve it . Finally , he put the book down . " Very well , though I won 't go easy on you . You 've been here more than any child in the community . And at your age - when you should be a man - well , it makes me think you will be coming here for years to come . What do you think ? " " I thought so , come over here . " I got up from the chair , and walked over to him . He took my t - shirt off , and I shifted and moved to make things easier for him as he pushed my plastic pant down and unpinned my diaper , which by this time was very wet . Mr . Wright put one of his large hands on the back of my neck , leading me to the back corner of the barn . He bent me over a wooden table and buckled restraints around my ankles and wrists . " 180 actually , and that 's what you are getting . " Mr . Wright said sternly as he set a timer on " The Woodshedder " then turned and left the barn without another word . I had three minutes , I knew , before The Woodshedder would start . It was a brilliant machine actually , even though I hated it . Mr . Wright had designed and built it himself . Every twenty seconds the machine would deliver a stinging slap from a paddle , then slowly the paddle would be drawn back to ready itself for the next slap . This way , Mr . Wright had explained , he didn 't have to listen to the crying . He would just set the machine for how ever many minutes he felt was needed , and would leave The Woodshedder to do it 's job . In the past I had gotten as much as twenty minutes , but this was three times that much ! I knew I would be very sore by the end , especially considering the paddling my mother had already given me . As the seconds passed I waited , knowing the first slap was coming , and that it would only be the beginning . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mr . Wright returned several hours later . By then I had gotten my 180 licks and had cried for a long time afterwards . I was calm , though my backside still stung , as he unbuckled me and let me get up . " Take a minute to stretch and steady yourself , " Mr . Wright instructed , " Then we 'll go upstairs . " My eyes went wide at the mention of going upstairs , with the whipping The Woodshedder had given me , I thought that I would be done . But still , I tried to stay calm and walked around loosening my sore arms and legs which were stiff from being tied down so long . " Good Boy ! " Mr . Wright said with a smile , " I appreciate your willingness to take your discipline . " He added as he led me up a set of stairs to the loft . No other community child had been upstairs , it was a special place added just for me and my " special " training that Mr . Wright and my mom felt I required . Pulling a key ring from his pocket , Mr . Wright unlocked a deadbolt and opened the door that kept others from discovering the padded room that had been built just for me . I was not allowed to speak when upstairs , and Mr . Wright stayed silent too as he unlocked a cabinet and started removing things . I laid on the cold , padded floor and waited . Mr . Wright knelt down in front of me and unfolded three thick diapers like the one I had been wearing all morning . He pinned them on with the same expertise of my mother and followed them with a heavy rubber pant that he pulled up my legs and over the super - thick diapers . Freshly diapered I stood up and faced away from Mr . Wright . I didn 't fight as he threaded the arms of the straight jacket onto me , and buckled the back of the jacket tightly . He pulled my arms across my chest and buckled them tightly as well . Tightly bound in the jacket , I turned to face him and opened my mouth . Mr . Wright placed two pills on my tongue and then fed me a cup of water to wash them down . A diuretic and a fast acting laxative , I knew from past experiences . Next he fed me three cans of ensure , one after another , meant to make sure I had enough nutrition to handle the pills I had been given . Mr . Wright helped me to sit on the floor , against a padded wall , then wished me a " Good Night " On his way out , he locked the deadbolt on the door . After a long and messy night I woke up to Mr . Wright opening the door . He helped me get to my feet and slowly removed the straight jacket . He gave me another can of the formula drink and left the room . A few minutes later Mrs . Wright led me downstairs into a shower area and helped me clean up . She hurriedly dressed me in my pink outfit , which had been washed overnight , and sent me on my way , explaining that she - who handled the discipline of errant girls in the community - had someone coming for a session so she needed me out . I walked down the path beside their house heading for the sidewalk where I found Julie walking my way . I said hi , and she said hi too but said she couldn 't talk . To my surprise she walked past me and headed down the path to the barn . I was shocked to discover that Julie was still a member of " the Woodshed Club " as she was nineteen too . I walked home feeling a little better about things ! " I trust Mr . Wright took care of you ? " My mom asked as I stood before her in the living room . " Good . Gather up all the trash and take it out for the garbage pick - up ; then clean the swimming pool area . " I did my chores as instructed , then stood in the corner of my room waiting for my mother 's approval of my work . My room was already clean since I hadn 't spent the night at home , so it didn 't take her long to check the pool area then release me from the corner . " Are you wet ? " Mom asked when I stepped out of the corner . I told her I was , so she had me pull the pink plastic pant off , so she could unpin the wet diaper I had on . I cleaned myself up with some baby wipes then laid on my bed to be re - diapered . I was pleased to see my mom selected a disposable diaper this time - signaling the end of my ' pink punishment ' and after she taped the diaper on me I was allowed to put on a clear plastic pant and normal clothes . " One more thing , " My mom said as I pulled on a red t - shirt , " I 've got new diapers coming for you today , so box up all your cloth diapers and pants and take them over to Ms Johnston 's . " I didn 't dare ask why , and jumped at the chance to to get rid of those dreaded pink plastic pants with the duckies and bunnies on them . When the box was stuffed to capacity I took them down the street and rang Ms Johnston 's bell . Julie answered the door again , only this time SHE was wearing a punishment outfit . Here 's was a clearly thick cloth diaper covered with a frilly plastic panty , and a matching pink tee that said " Sissy Girl " on the front . " I 'm sorry . " I said softly as I handed her the box . She smiled weakly and said it was okay . I left quickly , trying to minimize her embarrassment , secretly wondering what she had done to end up in the state I usually found myself in . I went home and enjoyed the rest of the day free of chores and punishments . Mom and I enjoyed her meatloaf for dinner , and light conversation that was free of judgments or complaints . Knowing how things worked in her home I knew that my marriage , divorce and time away from home had been forgiven , forgotten and were never to be spoken of again . I was feeling pretty good about things until , as she was gathering the dishes , she said " Now , you 're needed over at The Woodshed . " As usual , I didn 't ask , just accepted my orders and headed over to Mr . Wright 's . I went into the barn , closed and latched the door and sat in the chair . Mr . Wright came in from a side door and closed it behind him . " So . . . " he continued , " Until your mother and I say otherwise you will be treated , trained and disciplined as if you were still a child . Obviously you know you 've been treated that way since you came home , but we wanted to make it clear that this is a long term plan for you . You clearly are not able to grow up and be a man , so you will have to stay a child . Understood ? " I nodded yes again . " Good , come over here . " I got up and walked over to him , feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulder . All I had to do for now on was behave and I would be taken care of . I hardly noticed at all as Mr . Wright unbuttoned my pants and pushed them down . I didn 't care at all as he removed my wet disposable , and paid no mind as he pulled me down over his lap . He spanked me hard with his large hand , and I obediently took every smack he delivered . " Fetch me the hairbrush . " Mr . Wright instructed , when he took a break from slapping my backside with his hand . I got off his lap and went straight to the pegboard that held all the spanking implements he used on the children of the community . There were two hairbrushes on hooks , and I selected the larger , heavier one and presented to him . I figured my obedience was being tested since I had done no wrong , and I did not want to disappoint him . He pulled me back over his lap and began to spank me with the paddle . I yelped from time to time , but did not try to pull away . " Fetch me the ping - pong paddle . " Again I rose , this time taking the hairbrush from Mr . Wright , and returned it to it 's hook , then removed the ping pong paddle and presented it to Mr . Wright . He pulled me back over his knee and spanked me again . " Fetch me the stinger - the paddle with the holes in it . " We moved through each of the instruments that could be applied in the over the knee position , each delivering a sharper whack than the last . I did not cry , did not argue and did not fight it . At some point during the spanking there was a knock at the door , and Mrs Wright came in . " Come in Julie . " I head Mrs . Wright say a few minutes later . I wanted to look , but didn 't . I stayed right where I was , not moving , or speaking as I listened to Mrs . Wright scolding Julie for " doing dirty things to herself . " Julie got spanked by Mrs . Wright for about five minutes . . . not nearly as much or as loud as I got for a MILD spanking . A few minutes later Julie was gone again . Mr . Wright called me back over to him and turned me over to Mrs . Wright who gave me a few hard slaps on the backside , then put another disposable diaper on me . " Get dressed and go home now Boy , you did good . " Mr . Wright said , and despite my burning backside I felt really good . Back at home I was sent straight to bed though it was only eight - thirty . I was back on my childhood bedtime . Worn out from a busy day I fell asleep quickly and slept soundly . My mom was really nice to me the next morning . She woke me up around six and changed me into a dry diaper . I had my oatmeal breakfast and we talked for a bit about the weather and other things . Eventually , we got around to my chores . " Just one today . Go to The Woodshed and clean it up . Sweep the floors , dust the shelves and all of that . " I finished my oatmeal and headed right over to do my job . " She said , handing me a pair of coveralls . I put them on and let her button me up . Then she pulled a pacifier from her apron and popped it into my mouth . Without hesitation I started sucking on it . " I 'll be back to check on you later . " She said , then left . I went about my work , first dusting the shelves , spanking implements and special furniture , then I washed the windows and swept the floors . When I was done I stood in the corner as I would do at home and waited for Mrs . Wright to approve my work . When she returned to praised me for doing such a good time , and announced that it was time for my nap . I started to head for the door , when she stopped me . No , no , this way . " She said sweetly , and lead me up the stairs to the padded room . It wasn 't locked this time , so we walked right in and to my surprise the room had been filled with furniture . On one wall was a large crib and on the opposite wall stood a changing table with shelved underneath that were stocked with diapers and pants of various kinds . Mrs . Wright removed my coverall , and then my pants and had me hop up on the changing table . She changed my disposable diaper and helped me off the table and into the crib . Raising the rail she told me she 'd be back in an hour . I wasn 't overly tired , but laid back on soft pillows and relaxed . When Mrs Wright returned she asked me if I liked the new room . I told her I did and she explained that there were no young children left in the community , so they could now cater to Julie and I 's " special needs " more effectively . " All the other boys and girls grew up into mature adults . . . but you too are clearly meant to stay dependant on others . " She didn 't say it in a mean way , but it still stung a little as if I had somehow failed to reach the maturity of the the other kids . We went back downstairs and did a little more straightening until Mr . Wright came back . I helped him bring the shopping bags in from his errands , then enjoyed some warm cookies Mrs . Wright had made while I was napping . Afterwards Mr . Wright led me back into the barn . We sat down in our usual spots and after a moment of silence he asked me " Do you need a spanking today ? " " Good , why don 't you go stand in the corner and think about that for a while , then you can head home . " I went home after spending a half hour in the corner . Mom greeted me at the door and took me straight to my room to show me that my bedroom had been redecorated with an identical crib and a new set of shelves stocked with my diapers , pants and other clothing . She checked my diaper , and finding it still dry sent me to play in the back yard . When I got out back I saw Julie laying on one of the deck chairs by the pool . She was still dressed in her frilly pink outfit . I took the chair next to her and we laid in silence for a few minutes , relaxing in the sunshine . Finally , I asked her " Did you get a crib too ? " She laughed , " A Crib ? No . They put you in one ? Mrs . Wright told me you were on a stricter program than me . I just got a spanking and I have to wear diapers for now on so I can 't touch myself . " I looked over and saw her blush as she admitted to having been caught masturbating . I woke up in my new crib , and waited for my mom to come and release me . I was a little anxious as I had something on my mind I needed to take care of . When mom finally did come in she lowered the railing and immediately started to change my diaper . " I need to go over to The Woodshed . " I informed her when she had removed the wet diaper and was cleaning me with baby wipes . She looked at me with pride and asked " Should I diaper you , or do you expect to be naked for a while ? " I told her she probably shouldn 't bother to diaper me right now , so she told me to throw some seats on and head over . Then she went to call Mr . Wright and tell him to expect me . Five minutes later I was sitting across from Mr . Wright again . " It 's okay that you like Julie , but you are right that you shouldn 't do naughty things to yourself . That 's not what a good boy does . I think you do need a spanking to clear your head . Why don 't you fetch me the hairbrush . " I started to head for the peg board , then stopped . " Okay then . " He said evenly , and led me over to the table . I took my sweats off and bent over the table . He didn 't bother to restrain me , just turned on the machine and set the timer . " Good Boy " he said with a pat to my back , and then left me to take my punishment . I was standing in the corner when Mrs . Wright came in the barn and told me to come upstairs with her . She had me lay on the changing table as she selected one of the thick cloth diapers from the shelves beneath . " Not a punishment . " she assured me as she pinned the sides . To show me it wasn 't a punishment she let me select my own diaper cover , so I picked a soft blue pair and pulled them on over the diaper . " Your mom has your breakfast ready at home . " she informed me as I was putting my sweats back on . Mom didn 't ask me why I had needed a spanking , she just served me my oatmeal and sippy cup and acted as if it was a normal morning . " Clean up your room and mow the lawn . " I did my room first , then headed out to work on the yard . It was such a hot day I decided to take my pants and shirt off and mow in just my diapers since I was used to doing it that way anyway . My mom saw me and came rushing out . I thought I was in trouble , but she just handed me a bottle of sunscreen and went back inside , so I put the protection on and went back to my work . Julie came by while I was working , and as promised was back in normal clothes . She brought me a glass of lemonade to cool me off , and watched me work for a while . When I was done we sat on the front porch and talked about anything and nothing until my mom came and told me it was nap time . Julie and I said " see you later " to each other and I went to my room to get my diaper changed and have my nap . . . like a good boy . After my nap Julie came back over and announced that our parents had agreed to let us go see a movie together since we had been being good . We saw some comedy , and ate popcorn and drank giant sodas . After the movie both our diapers were soaked so we headed home . As we walked I told Julie about my naughty thoughts of her and said I was surprised that we were allowed to go on our little date since we were both being naughty in that way . Julie laughed and leaned over to whisper in my ear ( My mom put a chastity belt on me under my diaper . . . we couldn 't do THAT if we wanted too . " That made me feel more comfortable as I did want to , but wanted to be good too . I walked Julie to her house , gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed home to get a dry diaper ! I had managed to go two days without a visit to The Woodshed , so I was not surprised as mom informed me on the way home from church that I was to go directly to the woodshed . The fact that she didn 't tell me to change out of my good Sunday clothes told me I wouldn 't be wearing them long . When we pulled into our driveway I kissed my mom and walked down the street and up the path to the barn . " So , you 'll get a training session each Sunday . Between church , and being put over my knee I am sure you will get the lessons you need . " When the lecture was over I carefully removed and folded my church clothes and set them on my chair . I then removed my wet disposable and rolled it into a ball and placed it in the trash . I stood naked in front of Mr . Wright and waited . " Fetch me the hairbrush . " After an hour - long spanking session from Mr . Wright , his wife took me upstairs to my nursery and diapered me for my nap . I laid in my crib and relaxed for another hour or so before she returned . During my nap time I had wet my diaper again , so Mrs . Wright had me get right up on the changing table , telling me that she had planned for me to be there anyway . " In my home , " She explained , while tossing out the wet diaper , " Sunday is also a day for home health care . And since you have kept the role of a child who needs to be cared for , I will see to that home health care each Sunday . " As she spoke , I watched her reach for a can of shaving cream and a razor . I had never really grown any facial hair - another sign of my immaturity I suppose - so I knew she was aiming lower on my body . As I figured , she smeared the cold cream around my genitals and began to shave away all my pubic hair . She worked methodically , using one hand to stretch my skin flat , and the other to shave it clean . " Man hair is not good for little diaper boys " she explained as she finished up . Following my shave , Mrs . Wright led me into the main house , leading me to her bathroom . A large bag of soapy water was hanging from the shower curtain , and having been constipated on occasional s a child I knew I was about to get an enema . " Try to take it all and hold it in . " she said , releasing the valve , causing the warm mixture to rush into me . As I felt myself getting fuller and fuller , Mrs . Wright rubbed my back and kept whispering " Good Boy , good boy . " I managed to take the full load , and had to hold it in for several minutes before I was allowed to use the toilet . When my insides were clean , we went to work on my outside again as Mrs . Wright sat me in the bathtub and proceeded to wash me from head to toe . " I know your mommy lets you shower during the week , but a supervised bath ensures your skin stays healthy so you don 't get any nasty rashes . " After my bath , Mrs . Wright dried me off , praising me for behaving so well , then sent me back out to the barn . Mr . Wright praised me on my clean smooth appearance then turned stern again . " Fetch me the strap . " Suddenly frightened I took the thick leather strap off it 's hook on the peg board and presented it to him . He had never used this instrument on me , but I had heard horror stories from the boys who had earned the most severe of spankings . I was shaking as he lead me over to the table by The Woodshedder and bent me over it . " You need to know how this feels Boy , " He explained as he readied himself . I took a deep breath and nodded , signaling I was ready and he swung the strap hard . I yelped and jumped up , but quickly repositioned myself for another . But it didn 't come . " Bring something back with you . " he added before I turned away from the board . I surveyed the implement board carefully , not wanting to pick anything too rough , but nothing too easy that might lead to more punishments . Finally I decided on the leather paddle , a few steps up from the hairbrush , but a major step down from the strap . I presented the paddle to Mr . Wright and let him pull me over his lap again . " Good choice . " He said softly , then put one arm across my back to hold me down , and used his other hand to whip me good with the paddle . Mrs . Wright came back in the barn during my spanking session , took the larger hairbrush from the peg board and excused herself telling her husband that she was going to handle Julie 's Sunday routine at her house since I required so much time in the barn . " Good idea . " Mr . Wright said thoughtfully , then went right back to whipping me . After a while the spanking slowed down considerably , to where I was getting a swat every twenty seconds or so . " I don 't want to whip you too hard when you 've been a good boy , but you need the reminder of your position . You see boy , this community is like a family . Your mother , Ms , Johnston , the Misses and I are the guardians , and - well , now that the others have moved on - you and Julie are the children . It 's the job of the guardians to care for and train the children . " " And . . . " He continued , " Someday you two will be ready to grow up , and you 'll have a family of your own . It is my hope that you 'll learn enough to take over The Woodshed and keep this community going . " After my spanking was over , I stood in the corner for a long while thinking about what Mr . Wright had said . When Mrs . Wright returned to take me upstairs to be diapered I asked her just how this community came to be . She smiled at me , and I climbed up on the changing table as she began to speak . " Mr . Wright and I built this whole community ourselves on our old farmland . We put the gate around it so we could have a little area free of negative influences in the rest of the city . All the families who have lived here were carefully chosen to keep this place peaceful . " She told us you were a handful of a toddler , and were still in diapers . We knew your family would be a perfect addition to our little family . You were indeed a handful little one , but we all - your mother , Mr . Wright and I - took care of that , didn 't we ? " I nodded yes . " Well , everyone in the community helped everyone else raise their children right , minimizing the time spent outside the community . . . we wanted to control how our children were raised , but not so as to leave them unprepared for the real world . So , one by one all the children grew up and moved on . They are now doctors and lawyers , and even a senator . But you and Julie , you two are a different story . " By this time I was diapered in thick cloth and stood up to pull on a pair of plastic pants . " What if I am never ready ? " I asked , worried that I didn 't have it in me . She just laughed and patted me on my diapered bum . " You 'll be ready in time boy , that 's what this strict program you are on is all about . Julie is ready now , we 're just keeping her ready until you catch up . We figure you 've got five or ten more years of this before you 're ready . And besides , even then Julie will continue your Sunday routine you have learned today . You 're being trained to run the community , she 's being trained to run you . " The End . After you 've finished reading , you might want to return to the DailyDiapers Story Index |
Introduction - Home Again The marriage lasted just seven months . My mom had warned me , and now I had to face the music as , at age nineteen , I carried boxes of my belongings back into her home and up to my childhood room . I took my time putting my things away to avoid her " I told you so " looks for as long as possible . When I finally came downstairs , mom was serving plates of pasta at the kitchen table . We ate in relative silence , which surprised me as it was not like her to let such a big thing go without a argument about how irresponsible I was . After dinner we watched TV for a while and then I excused myself to go to bed . " Wake up ! " My mom yelled , startling me . Before I could move she began pulling at my flannel lounge pants which I quickly realized were soaked with urine . This wasn 't a surprise to me , but I hadn 't expected my Mom 's reaction . She tore the pants off my legs leaving me naked from the waist down . " Now ! " She barked as I tried to argue . I felt myself turning over without thinking , and was surprised at how quickly my submissive role with my mom had returned . I only had a moment to ponder this thought before my mom brought the paddle down hard on my backside . I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it to cover my yelps and cries as she beat my backside with the thick wood paddle . As she beat me , she also scolded me like I was a child still " How dare you ! . . . . You think the old rules wouldn 't apply ? . . . nineteen year old sissy boy , that 's what you are ! " She continued the beating for several minutes until I was a blubbering mess , shaking and crying . When she finally stopped she ordered me to get in the bathtub , and I quickly ran off in the direction of the bathroom . After I bathed I returned to my room , and stood naked in the doorway - which I knew would be expected of me . I watched as my mom finished tucking in the top sheet of a dry set of bedclothes . My wet sheets and lounge pants sat in a sodden pile on the floor . When she was done Mom looked over at me and pointed at the bed . Obediently I padded over and laid down . As I did , mom went over to my dresser and removed one of my old cloth diapers and a pair of pink nursery print plastic pants she had bought online . The pink pants were my " punishment pants " that mom used when I had been especially naughty . " I gave you a chance to be responsible , and what did you do ? You ran off and got married . Then when your skank of a wife left you , you come back here and wet your bed knowing full well you are supposed to wear diapers on this house ? Well , it 's going to be a while before you get another chance at responsibility ! " " Lift up . " she said , softer now , and slid the diaper under me . Pinning it on tightly , she warned me against trying to remove the diaper , an un - needed warning as I knew the punishment pants - which she then handed to me to put on - meant that I wouldn 't be allowed to use the toilet or change myself . " Yes Ma ' am " I replied as she left the room . I wiped a tear from my cheek and went to my dresser where I found the pink t - shirt and slipper socks that completed my punishment outfit . I put them o , then looked at myself in the mirror . I had worn this outfit often , but never looked as pathetic and girly as I did then . I was a sissy baby again , and somehow it fit me . I waddled down the stairs , trying to get used to the thick diaper I hadn 't worn in the 18 months I had been out on my own . In the kitchen I took my place at the table and mom served me my usual breakfast , a bowl of oatmeal and a sippy cup of juice . While I was eating , my mom sat down and gave me my chores for the day . " I want you to straighten up your room , sweep out the garage and then mow Ms . Johnston 's lawn for her . I cringed at the mention of an outdoor chore as my current clothing is all I would be allowed . Fortunately most of my time would be spent in Ms . Johnston 's back yard . . . not that it mattered , everyone in our gated community had seen me " dressed up " at some point in history . " Good boy . " Was all she said , then left me . I ate slowly , then headed outside . It 's not that I was looking forward to the trip down the lane to Ms . Johnston 's place , but it was shaping up to be a hot day , so I wanted to get the mowing done in the cooler morning hours . Without shame - since I had no modesty left in this neighborhood - I walked down the sidewalk to Ms . Johnston 's house at the end of the short road that served out gated community of ten homes . I didn 't mind helping Ms . Johnston out as she was a very nice lady and needed the help since her husband had died a few years before . I rang the bell on her front door and waited . " Hey there ! Your mom said you were coming home , but I didn 't expect you to be . . . uh . . . back in your old uniform . " To my surprise and horror Ms . Johnston didn 't answer the door , but instead her grand - daughter Julie did . I had always had a crush on Julie , and felt myself getting hard inside my diaper . " Yeah , some things don 't change " I said lightly , trying to act as though I wasn 't bothered by my outfit . We talked for a minute and I got the feeling that Julie was as happy to see me as I was to see her . Before I could explore that theory further she cut the conversation short by saying " Well , I better let you get to work , I know your mom keeps you on a tight leash and I don 't want to be the reason you get punished ! " Since we were BOTH in diapers we had been playmates , so Julie had seen enough of my punishment and training to know how things went . " I stood silently as my mom counted off my good deeds . This was the process . If I did all my chores well I would be free for the rest of the day . If I missed something I would stay in the corner until mom was ready to deliver my punishment . " However . . . " She continued , and I began to tense up in fear , " . . . I still think a little re - training is in order since you did choose to wet the bed last night , and I suspect that means you didn 't wear your diapers the whole time you were away from home . " I felt tears welling up in me , not from fear , but from shame as I suddenly felt terrible about my attempts at freedom . Something inside me told me that I belonged at home , and that my mothers training and discipline was exactly what I needed . " Yes . I think so . Why don 't you head there now . " Without a word of protest I turned , walked past my mom and headed downstairs and out of the house . Some of you may know the woodshed as a place you go to get a spanking from your dad , but around here it 's much worse ! The Woodshed started for me when I was still a boy . Mr . Wright ran the woodshed , which was actually a large barn behind his house . All of the children of the gated community had spent some time there , some more than others . I had rarely gone more than a week or two without a visit . For each errant child the visit was different , and Mr . Wright kept a book that documented the way each mother felt her children should be disciplined . I was shaking by the time I reached Mr . Wright 's property line . Knowing my mom would have called him by now , I went past the house , and headed straight to the barn . " Come in Boy ! " Mr . Wright said sternly as I entered the barn . I closed the barn door behind me , and locked the latch . Much like Vegas , what happened in The Woodshed , stayed in the woodshed . " Take a seat . " He instructed , and I sat in the oversized wood chair . I sat there nervously , urine leaking out of me and into the diaper from fear as Mr . Wright pulled a large lather - bound book from a desk in the corner . " But it has been a while , so I 'll read over things for a minute . " Neither of us said a word as he read page after page that I knew counted off all the ways I had been punished , and everything I had done to deserve it . Finally , he put the book down . " Very well , though I won 't go easy on you . You 've been here more than any child in the community . And at your age - when you should be a man - well , it makes me think you will be coming here for years to come . What do you think ? " " I thought so , come over here . " I got up from the chair , and walked over to him . He took my t - shirt off , and I shifted and moved to make things easier for him as he pushed my plastic pant down and unpinned my diaper , which by this time was very wet . Mr . Wright put one of his large hands on the back of my neck , leading me to the back corner of the barn . He bent me over a wooden table and buckled restraints around my ankles and wrists . " 180 actually , and that 's what you are getting . " Mr . Wright said sternly as he set a timer on " The Woodshedder " then turned and left the barn without another word . I had three minutes , I knew , before The Woodshedder would start . It was a brilliant machine actually , even though I hated it . Mr . Wright had designed and built it himself . Every twenty seconds the machine would deliver a stinging slap from a paddle , then slowly the paddle would be drawn back to ready itself for the next slap . This way , Mr . Wright had explained , he didn 't have to listen to the crying . He would just set the machine for how ever many minutes he felt was needed , and would leave The Woodshedder to do it 's job . In the past I had gotten as much as twenty minutes , but this was three times that much ! I knew I would be very sore by the end , especially considering the paddling my mother had already given me . As the seconds passed I waited , knowing the first slap was coming , and that it would only be the beginning . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mr . Wright returned several hours later . By then I had gotten my 180 licks and had cried for a long time afterwards . I was calm , though my backside still stung , as he unbuckled me and let me get up . " Take a minute to stretch and steady yourself , " Mr . Wright instructed , " Then we 'll go upstairs . " My eyes went wide at the mention of going upstairs , with the whipping The Woodshedder had given me , I thought that I would be done . But still , I tried to stay calm and walked around loosening my sore arms and legs which were stiff from being tied down so long . " Good Boy ! " Mr . Wright said with a smile , " I appreciate your willingness to take your discipline . " He added as he led me up a set of stairs to the loft . No other community child had been upstairs , it was a special place added just for me and my " special " training that Mr . Wright and my mom felt I required . Pulling a key ring from his pocket , Mr . Wright unlocked a deadbolt and opened the door that kept others from discovering the padded room that had been built just for me . I was not allowed to speak when upstairs , and Mr . Wright stayed silent too as he unlocked a cabinet and started removing things . I laid on the cold , padded floor and waited . Mr . Wright knelt down in front of me and unfolded three thick diapers like the one I had been wearing all morning . He pinned them on with the same expertise of my mother and followed them with a heavy rubber pant that he pulled up my legs and over the super - thick diapers . Freshly diapered I stood up and faced away from Mr . Wright . I didn 't fight as he threaded the arms of the straight jacket onto me , and buckled the back of the jacket tightly . He pulled my arms across my chest and buckled them tightly as well . Tightly bound in the jacket , I turned to face him and opened my mouth . Mr . Wright placed two pills on my tongue and then fed me a cup of water to wash them down . A diuretic and a fast acting laxative , I knew from past experiences . Next he fed me three cans of ensure , one after another , meant to make sure I had enough nutrition to handle the pills I had been given . Mr . Wright helped me to sit on the floor , against a padded wall , then wished me a " Good Night " On his way out , he locked the deadbolt on the door . After a long and messy night I woke up to Mr . Wright opening the door . He helped me get to my feet and slowly removed the straight jacket . He gave me another can of the formula drink and left the room . A few minutes later Mrs . Wright led me downstairs into a shower area and helped me clean up . She hurriedly dressed me in my pink outfit , which had been washed overnight , and sent me on my way , explaining that she - who handled the discipline of errant girls in the community - had someone coming for a session so she needed me out . I walked down the path beside their house heading for the sidewalk where I found Julie walking my way . I said hi , and she said hi too but said she couldn 't talk . To my surprise she walked past me and headed down the path to the barn . I was shocked to discover that Julie was still a member of " the Woodshed Club " as she was nineteen too . I walked home feeling a little better about things ! " I trust Mr . Wright took care of you ? " My mom asked as I stood before her in the living room . " Good . Gather up all the trash and take it out for the garbage pick - up ; then clean the swimming pool area . " I did my chores as instructed , then stood in the corner of my room waiting for my mother 's approval of my work . My room was already clean since I hadn 't spent the night at home , so it didn 't take her long to check the pool area then release me from the corner . " Are you wet ? " Mom asked when I stepped out of the corner . I told her I was , so she had me pull the pink plastic pant off , so she could unpin the wet diaper I had on . I cleaned myself up with some baby wipes then laid on my bed to be re - diapered . I was pleased to see my mom selected a disposable diaper this time - signaling the end of my ' pink punishment ' and after she taped the diaper on me I was allowed to put on a clear plastic pant and normal clothes . " One more thing , " My mom said as I pulled on a red t - shirt , " I 've got new diapers coming for you today , so box up all your cloth diapers and pants and take them over to Ms Johnston 's . " I didn 't dare ask why , and jumped at the chance to to get rid of those dreaded pink plastic pants with the duckies and bunnies on them . When the box was stuffed to capacity I took them down the street and rang Ms Johnston 's bell . Julie answered the door again , only this time SHE was wearing a punishment outfit . Here 's was a clearly thick cloth diaper covered with a frilly plastic panty , and a matching pink tee that said " Sissy Girl " on the front . " I 'm sorry . " I said softly as I handed her the box . She smiled weakly and said it was okay . I left quickly , trying to minimize her embarrassment , secretly wondering what she had done to end up in the state I usually found myself in . I went home and enjoyed the rest of the day free of chores and punishments . Mom and I enjoyed her meatloaf for dinner , and light conversation that was free of judgments or complaints . Knowing how things worked in her home I knew that my marriage , divorce and time away from home had been forgiven , forgotten and were never to be spoken of again . I was feeling pretty good about things until , as she was gathering the dishes , she said " Now , you 're needed over at The Woodshed . " As usual , I didn 't ask , just accepted my orders and headed over to Mr . Wright 's . I went into the barn , closed and latched the door and sat in the chair . Mr . Wright came in from a side door and closed it behind him . " So . . . " he continued , " Until your mother and I say otherwise you will be treated , trained and disciplined as if you were still a child . Obviously you know you 've been treated that way since you came home , but we wanted to make it clear that this is a long term plan for you . You clearly are not able to grow up and be a man , so you will have to stay a child . Understood ? " I nodded yes again . " Good , come over here . " I got up and walked over to him , feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulder . All I had to do for now on was behave and I would be taken care of . I hardly noticed at all as Mr . Wright unbuttoned my pants and pushed them down . I didn 't care at all as he removed my wet disposable , and paid no mind as he pulled me down over his lap . He spanked me hard with his large hand , and I obediently took every smack he delivered . " Fetch me the hairbrush . " Mr . Wright instructed , when he took a break from slapping my backside with his hand . I got off his lap and went straight to the pegboard that held all the spanking implements he used on the children of the community . There were two hairbrushes on hooks , and I selected the larger , heavier one and presented to him . I figured my obedience was being tested since I had done no wrong , and I did not want to disappoint him . He pulled me back over his lap and began to spank me with the paddle . I yelped from time to time , but did not try to pull away . " Fetch me the ping - pong paddle . " Again I rose , this time taking the hairbrush from Mr . Wright , and returned it to it 's hook , then removed the ping pong paddle and presented it to Mr . Wright . He pulled me back over his knee and spanked me again . " Fetch me the stinger - the paddle with the holes in it . " We moved through each of the instruments that could be applied in the over the knee position , each delivering a sharper whack than the last . I did not cry , did not argue and did not fight it . At some point during the spanking there was a knock at the door , and Mrs Wright came in . " Come in Julie . " I head Mrs . Wright say a few minutes later . I wanted to look , but didn 't . I stayed right where I was , not moving , or speaking as I listened to Mrs . Wright scolding Julie for " doing dirty things to herself . " Julie got spanked by Mrs . Wright for about five minutes . . . not nearly as much or as loud as I got for a MILD spanking . A few minutes later Julie was gone again . Mr . Wright called me back over to him and turned me over to Mrs . Wright who gave me a few hard slaps on the backside , then put another disposable diaper on me . " Get dressed and go home now Boy , you did good . " Mr . Wright said , and despite my burning backside I felt really good . Back at home I was sent straight to bed though it was only eight - thirty . I was back on my childhood bedtime . Worn out from a busy day I fell asleep quickly and slept soundly . My mom was really nice to me the next morning . She woke me up around six and changed me into a dry diaper . I had my oatmeal breakfast and we talked for a bit about the weather and other things . Eventually , we got around to my chores . " Just one today . Go to The Woodshed and clean it up . Sweep the floors , dust the shelves and all of that . " I finished my oatmeal and headed right over to do my job . " She said , handing me a pair of coveralls . I put them on and let her button me up . Then she pulled a pacifier from her apron and popped it into my mouth . Without hesitation I started sucking on it . " I 'll be back to check on you later . " She said , then left . I went about my work , first dusting the shelves , spanking implements and special furniture , then I washed the windows and swept the floors . When I was done I stood in the corner as I would do at home and waited for Mrs . Wright to approve my work . When she returned to praised me for doing such a good time , and announced that it was time for my nap . I started to head for the door , when she stopped me . No , no , this way . " She said sweetly , and lead me up the stairs to the padded room . It wasn 't locked this time , so we walked right in and to my surprise the room had been filled with furniture . On one wall was a large crib and on the opposite wall stood a changing table with shelved underneath that were stocked with diapers and pants of various kinds . Mrs . Wright removed my coverall , and then my pants and had me hop up on the changing table . She changed my disposable diaper and helped me off the table and into the crib . Raising the rail she told me she 'd be back in an hour . I wasn 't overly tired , but laid back on soft pillows and relaxed . When Mrs Wright returned she asked me if I liked the new room . I told her I did and she explained that there were no young children left in the community , so they could now cater to Julie and I 's " special needs " more effectively . " All the other boys and girls grew up into mature adults . . . but you too are clearly meant to stay dependant on others . " She didn 't say it in a mean way , but it still stung a little as if I had somehow failed to reach the maturity of the the other kids . We went back downstairs and did a little more straightening until Mr . Wright came back . I helped him bring the shopping bags in from his errands , then enjoyed some warm cookies Mrs . Wright had made while I was napping . Afterwards Mr . Wright led me back into the barn . We sat down in our usual spots and after a moment of silence he asked me " Do you need a spanking today ? " " Good , why don 't you go stand in the corner and think about that for a while , then you can head home . " I went home after spending a half hour in the corner . Mom greeted me at the door and took me straight to my room to show me that my bedroom had been redecorated with an identical crib and a new set of shelves stocked with my diapers , pants and other clothing . She checked my diaper , and finding it still dry sent me to play in the back yard . When I got out back I saw Julie laying on one of the deck chairs by the pool . She was still dressed in her frilly pink outfit . I took the chair next to her and we laid in silence for a few minutes , relaxing in the sunshine . Finally , I asked her " Did you get a crib too ? " She laughed , " A Crib ? No . They put you in one ? Mrs . Wright told me you were on a stricter program than me . I just got a spanking and I have to wear diapers for now on so I can 't touch myself . " I looked over and saw her blush as she admitted to having been caught masturbating . I woke up in my new crib , and waited for my mom to come and release me . I was a little anxious as I had something on my mind I needed to take care of . When mom finally did come in she lowered the railing and immediately started to change my diaper . " I need to go over to The Woodshed . " I informed her when she had removed the wet diaper and was cleaning me with baby wipes . She looked at me with pride and asked " Should I diaper you , or do you expect to be naked for a while ? " I told her she probably shouldn 't bother to diaper me right now , so she told me to throw some seats on and head over . Then she went to call Mr . Wright and tell him to expect me . Five minutes later I was sitting across from Mr . Wright again . " It 's okay that you like Julie , but you are right that you shouldn 't do naughty things to yourself . That 's not what a good boy does . I think you do need a spanking to clear your head . Why don 't you fetch me the hairbrush . " I started to head for the peg board , then stopped . " Okay then . " He said evenly , and led me over to the table . I took my sweats off and bent over the table . He didn 't bother to restrain me , just turned on the machine and set the timer . " Good Boy " he said with a pat to my back , and then left me to take my punishment . I was standing in the corner when Mrs . Wright came in the barn and told me to come upstairs with her . She had me lay on the changing table as she selected one of the thick cloth diapers from the shelves beneath . " Not a punishment . " she assured me as she pinned the sides . To show me it wasn 't a punishment she let me select my own diaper cover , so I picked a soft blue pair and pulled them on over the diaper . " Your mom has your breakfast ready at home . " she informed me as I was putting my sweats back on . Mom didn 't ask me why I had needed a spanking , she just served me my oatmeal and sippy cup and acted as if it was a normal morning . " Clean up your room and mow the lawn . " I did my room first , then headed out to work on the yard . It was such a hot day I decided to take my pants and shirt off and mow in just my diapers since I was used to doing it that way anyway . My mom saw me and came rushing out . I thought I was in trouble , but she just handed me a bottle of sunscreen and went back inside , so I put the protection on and went back to my work . Julie came by while I was working , and as promised was back in normal clothes . She brought me a glass of lemonade to cool me off , and watched me work for a while . When I was done we sat on the front porch and talked about anything and nothing until my mom came and told me it was nap time . Julie and I said " see you later " to each other and I went to my room to get my diaper changed and have my nap . . . like a good boy . After my nap Julie came back over and announced that our parents had agreed to let us go see a movie together since we had been being good . We saw some comedy , and ate popcorn and drank giant sodas . After the movie both our diapers were soaked so we headed home . As we walked I told Julie about my naughty thoughts of her and said I was surprised that we were allowed to go on our little date since we were both being naughty in that way . Julie laughed and leaned over to whisper in my ear ( My mom put a chastity belt on me under my diaper . . . we couldn 't do THAT if we wanted too . " That made me feel more comfortable as I did want to , but wanted to be good too . I walked Julie to her house , gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed home to get a dry diaper ! I had managed to go two days without a visit to The Woodshed , so I was not surprised as mom informed me on the way home from church that I was to go directly to the woodshed . The fact that she didn 't tell me to change out of my good Sunday clothes told me I wouldn 't be wearing them long . When we pulled into our driveway I kissed my mom and walked down the street and up the path to the barn . " So , you 'll get a training session each Sunday . Between church , and being put over my knee I am sure you will get the lessons you need . " When the lecture was over I carefully removed and folded my church clothes and set them on my chair . I then removed my wet disposable and rolled it into a ball and placed it in the trash . I stood naked in front of Mr . Wright and waited . " Fetch me the hairbrush . " After an hour - long spanking session from Mr . Wright , his wife took me upstairs to my nursery and diapered me for my nap . I laid in my crib and relaxed for another hour or so before she returned . During my nap time I had wet my diaper again , so Mrs . Wright had me get right up on the changing table , telling me that she had planned for me to be there anyway . " In my home , " She explained , while tossing out the wet diaper , " Sunday is also a day for home health care . And since you have kept the role of a child who needs to be cared for , I will see to that home health care each Sunday . " As she spoke , I watched her reach for a can of shaving cream and a razor . I had never really grown any facial hair - another sign of my immaturity I suppose - so I knew she was aiming lower on my body . As I figured , she smeared the cold cream around my genitals and began to shave away all my pubic hair . She worked methodically , using one hand to stretch my skin flat , and the other to shave it clean . " Man hair is not good for little diaper boys " she explained as she finished up . Following my shave , Mrs . Wright led me into the main house , leading me to her bathroom . A large bag of soapy water was hanging from the shower curtain , and having been constipated on occasional s a child I knew I was about to get an enema . " Try to take it all and hold it in . " she said , releasing the valve , causing the warm mixture to rush into me . As I felt myself getting fuller and fuller , Mrs . Wright rubbed my back and kept whispering " Good Boy , good boy . " I managed to take the full load , and had to hold it in for several minutes before I was allowed to use the toilet . When my insides were clean , we went to work on my outside again as Mrs . Wright sat me in the bathtub and proceeded to wash me from head to toe . " I know your mommy lets you shower during the week , but a supervised bath ensures your skin stays healthy so you don 't get any nasty rashes . " After my bath , Mrs . Wright dried me off , praising me for behaving so well , then sent me back out to the barn . Mr . Wright praised me on my clean smooth appearance then turned stern again . " Fetch me the strap . " Suddenly frightened I took the thick leather strap off it 's hook on the peg board and presented it to him . He had never used this instrument on me , but I had heard horror stories from the boys who had earned the most severe of spankings . I was shaking as he lead me over to the table by The Woodshedder and bent me over it . " You need to know how this feels Boy , " He explained as he readied himself . I took a deep breath and nodded , signaling I was ready and he swung the strap hard . I yelped and jumped up , but quickly repositioned myself for another . But it didn 't come . " Bring something back with you . " he added before I turned away from the board . I surveyed the implement board carefully , not wanting to pick anything too rough , but nothing too easy that might lead to more punishments . Finally I decided on the leather paddle , a few steps up from the hairbrush , but a major step down from the strap . I presented the paddle to Mr . Wright and let him pull me over his lap again . " Good choice . " He said softly , then put one arm across my back to hold me down , and used his other hand to whip me good with the paddle . Mrs . Wright came back in the barn during my spanking session , took the larger hairbrush from the peg board and excused herself telling her husband that she was going to handle Julie 's Sunday routine at her house since I required so much time in the barn . " Good idea . " Mr . Wright said thoughtfully , then went right back to whipping me . After a while the spanking slowed down considerably , to where I was getting a swat every twenty seconds or so . " I don 't want to whip you too hard when you 've been a good boy , but you need the reminder of your position . You see boy , this community is like a family . Your mother , Ms , Johnston , the Misses and I are the guardians , and - well , now that the others have moved on - you and Julie are the children . It 's the job of the guardians to care for and train the children . " " And . . . " He continued , " Someday you two will be ready to grow up , and you 'll have a family of your own . It is my hope that you 'll learn enough to take over The Woodshed and keep this community going . " After my spanking was over , I stood in the corner for a long while thinking about what Mr . Wright had said . When Mrs . Wright returned to take me upstairs to be diapered I asked her just how this community came to be . She smiled at me , and I climbed up on the changing table as she began to speak . " Mr . Wright and I built this whole community ourselves on our old farmland . We put the gate around it so we could have a little area free of negative influences in the rest of the city . All the families who have lived here were carefully chosen to keep this place peaceful . " She told us you were a handful of a toddler , and were still in diapers . We knew your family would be a perfect addition to our little family . You were indeed a handful little one , but we all - your mother , Mr . Wright and I - took care of that , didn 't we ? " I nodded yes . " Well , everyone in the community helped everyone else raise their children right , minimizing the time spent outside the community . . . we wanted to control how our children were raised , but not so as to leave them unprepared for the real world . So , one by one all the children grew up and moved on . They are now doctors and lawyers , and even a senator . But you and Julie , you two are a different story . " By this time I was diapered in thick cloth and stood up to pull on a pair of plastic pants . " What if I am never ready ? " I asked , worried that I didn 't have it in me . She just laughed and patted me on my diapered bum . " You 'll be ready in time boy , that 's what this strict program you are on is all about . Julie is ready now , we 're just keeping her ready until you catch up . We figure you 've got five or ten more years of this before you 're ready . And besides , even then Julie will continue your Sunday routine you have learned today . You 're being trained to run the community , she 's being trained to run you . " The End . After you 've finished reading , you might want to return to the DailyDiapers Story Index |
We finished our search and went back downstairs . We started to discuss the possibility that something supernatural was happening , but then we brushed it off . In some kind of crazy delusion , we wanted to believe that it was really just a joke somehow . The eerie voice began again . Only this time was nothing like the other times . This time it permeated us completely . We were both completely filled with feelings of despair , hopelessness , helplessness , and pointlessness . I truly believe we were in the presence of pure evil . This was pure evil that we experienced - and on a personal level . When we snapped out of it , we looked at each other and saw the tears on our faces . When our eyes met , I knew that he knew exactly what I experienced , and that he knew that I knew . We also were convinced that this was no prank . By now it was close to 4 a . m . , and we were literally exhausted . Jay refused to leave my sister and me there alone , so he slept on the couch and I went to my room . I just lay awake until the sun was up and I heard Jay awake out in the living room . It was a horrifying experience that I did not soon forget and remember like it was yesterday . It 's hard not to when something touches your soul with evil like that . And it did just that . In 1897 , a family named Otto lived in a nearby house in Chisinau , Moldova . They owned a plantation and had a lot of servants working for them who they treated very badly . One servant girl gave their son , Gene , a present of a doll . What the Ottos didn 't realise was that this servant girl knew voodoo . Many Strange things began to occur in the Otto household . Many neighbors claimed to see Robert move about from window to window , when the family were out . Gene began to blame Robert for mishaps that would occur . The Otto 's claimed to hear the doll giggle , and swear they caught glimpses of the doll running about the house . Gene began to have nightmares and scream out in the night , when his parents would enter the room , they would find furniture over turned , their child in a fright , and Robert at the foot of the bed , with his glaring gaze ! " Robert Did It " . . . . The doll was eventually put up into the attic . Where he resided for many years . But Robert had other plans . Visitors that entered the house could hear something walking back and forth in the attic , and strange giggling sounds . Guests no longer wanted to visit the Otto home . But Robert waited patiently up in the attic to be discovered , once again . The 10 year old daughter of the new owners . Was quick to find Robert in the attic . It was not long before Robert unleashed his displeasure on the child … The little girl claiming that the doll tortured her , and made her life a hell . Even after more than thirty years later , she steadfastly claims that " the doll was alive and wanted to kill her . " One day running down the stairs at a glance I saw a black cat sitting in the living room but bigger than normal cats so I did a double look and it was gone and did not think anything of it . Then I saw it again the next day when I was coming from the kitchen , except this time it didn 't vanish when I looked straight at it ! It was sitting again and looking at the stairs and it was like three times the height of a normal house cat and then it went behind the sofa it was sitting next to and I didn 't check , I just stood there and said " oh well " . It did not look like the black cat I had , it 's eyes were not there it seem . Every day for 7 days I saw this cat same place and I just figured I am seeing things and let it go until the sixth day my mother was coming from the kitchen and said " I 'm sure I just see a black cat there " . . . Pointing to the living room ! That 's when I said ok then I was not seeing things . Oh ! I was in the kitchen when she said that . Next night I had my Chinese food , plopped myself in the sofa the cat is usually next to and about to watch TV and eat . I was about to pull my legs up on the sofa when I saw the cat again walking along coming towards my feet and it happened so fast . . . I pulled my legs up and just looked down and watched it pass and go behind the sofa ! The body was long and looked fine and my jaw dropped to be so close to it . That 's when it got real for me . I peeped behind and saw nothing and I bounced up and went online to see if I can find anything on why I keep seeing this cat . I got no clear answers since some say it was protection and some said evil . I did not see it back since until earlier this year while watching TV in the living room , which is on a stand , I saw under the stand a black cat with white bright shining eyes , yes shining eyes , looking at me and was there for a few seconds . . . Very clear and looked real . I am so accustomed to paranormal things that I just mentioned it to my brother and let it go . I perfectly remember that cold winter night . It was January 13th , 1860 , the same day that Paul and I had just got married . We were deeply in love with each other and had decided to spend our honeymoon somewhere remote from the city and the people we knew . We were invited to the luxurious mansion that his uncle , Lord James , had in the country , and we accepted as we did not have any other better choice . After leaving the train station , we had to walk for a long time among the woods that led directly to the house . I will never forget the thick mist of that scary silent night , when we were able to perceive the most insignificant sounds of Nature . As I was very frightened , I asked my dear Paul to put his arm around me . Suddenly , we saw a dim light far in the distance that seemed to come from the mansion we were looking for . We sighed and smiled at each other because we felt relieved . However , it was a short - lived feeling since as we were approaching the dwelling , we found a cemetery just in front of the house . Paul tried to comfort me but I did not like the idea of sharing the place for our honeymoon with the dead ancestors of my husband . As we were passing by all those graves , it started to rain heavily and I could see how a rusty cross was beginning to lean forward and backward as though somebody were pushing it from below . That sight made my hair stand on end but Paul tried to convince me that it was only the blowing wind . We arrived at the house at last and Lord James welcomed us with open arms . He was standing at the hall with Joan , his new wife , and Veronica , his stepdaughter . They were really kind to us but there was something in the way Veronica looked at Paul that made me feel terrified . She was a short blond girl whose eyes seemed to be hiding something . We went upstairs to our bedroom and I lay down on the bed for a few minutes . It was bitterly cold and I realised that the window was wide open . I went to close it but I saw something that gave me the creeps : there was a hole next to a cross , just as though somebody had been digging a tomb up . Maybe I was going too far imagining things . . . That 's why I decided to relax and try to enjoy my first night at the house . After a while we joined the other for dinner . Everything was alright then and I was beginning to feel calm again . Nevertheless , the light of the candles suddenly went out and we were in complete darkness . I tried to hold my husband 's hand but I could not find him . Then a fork of lightning lit up the room and I saw that I was alone in there . I could not find any logical explanation as I was scared to death . Leaving the room in a hurry , I decided to look for Paul in order to run away from that horrid place . I began to call him loudly without any answer , but then , there was another bolt of lightning and I could see Veronica and a strange man who seemed to be at death 's doors and whose clothes were torn . They were walking hand in hand towards me and I suddenly remembered that tomb I had seen from the window . Yes , it was a zombie , I was sure . I tried to run away but I felt how the zombie grasped my arm heavily . Being scared out of my wits , I began to cry and just at that moment , I opened my eyes and saw how Paul was grasping my arm trying to wake me up . I had fallen asleep when I lay down on the bed and , from that very moment , everything had been part of a nightmare . I held Paul tight and , after a while , we joined the others for dinner . Suddenly , the lights of the candles went out . . . A little girl , named Lucy , was given a small doll by her parents . The doll was a gift from an ancient great aunt who had now passed away . Lucy was secretly unnerved by the doll which had nasty little black eyes that seemed to follow her around the room and a cross expression on it 's face . Nevertheless , Lucy had to accept the doll , as she was well brought up and didn 't want to upset her parents by informing them of how uneasy she felt around the doll . Her parents told her the doll was called Arabella . Lucy was even more afraid now that the doll had a name . It seemed to make it more human . Even so , Lucy never really believed on a conscious level that the doll could do anything to her . It was just a doll , after all , and only reached up to just above her knee . So , to put her mind at rest , she stuffed Arabella into the little cupboard under the stairs , behind a pile of shoes where her parents wouldn 't see her . It was not until a few nights later , when Lucy was lying in bed that she heard a noise . . . a shuffling sound , which went on for about five minutes . Then , a brief dragging noise and finally , a scuttling like light footsteps walking very fast . Lucy was pinned to the bed with fear , unable to move . Then , she heard a voice - like a very deep , almost masculine tone - but quiet enough not to wake her parents . Lucy always slept with the door open and the landing light on , as she was a little scared of the dark . Therefore she could hear more through her open door . Lucy heard the voice say " Lucy , I 'm on the first step " . . . And then loud scrabbling again as whatever was speaking apparently turned tail and returned to it 's place of hiding . Lucy begged her parents to get rid of the doll , but they insisted that it had been the great aunts wish that Lucy would have her doll . She checked the cupboard under the stairs , but Arabella was exactly where Lucy had left her . She reluctantly went back to bed . That night , Lucy fought against sleeping but she eventually drifted off . Presently , the deep disembodied voice woke Lucy again . She wondered if she could only hear it in her head . " Luuuuucccccccyyyyy . . . . I 'm on the fifth step . . " it said . Then came the scuffling noise and the voice didn 't reoccur that night . Lucy was crying by now , and again she didn 't sleep that night . At school , Lucy told her friends about the doll , and of course they laughed at her . Lucy could only think that if Arabella was climbing four steps at a time then there was only one more night to go . That night Lucy decided to shut her bedroom door . When her mother turned her light out she asked why Lucy was no longer scared of the dark . Lucy replied that she was and could she leave her light on instead of the hall light ? But her mother pointed out that her bedroom light was so bright it would keep her awake , and said no . Lucy reluctantly agreed to sleep without her light on . She opened the bedroom curtains instead to light the room a little anyway . Just as she began to doze , she heard the noise . And then the voice " Luuucccyyyy . . . I 'm on the top step . . . " Lucy knew her door was closed but was still terribly afraid . Her heart pounding , she knew if she stayed in bed she wouldn 't be safe . So she got up to investigate . She screamed ! Lucy 's parents found her body at the bottom of the stairs . They guessed she was on her way to the bathroom without switching on the hallway light and had fallen down the stairs breaking her neck . Arabella , the favorite family doll , was found beside her body . She was . . . . . . smiling . " Yes , my sweets . Isn 't that a pretty night we have in store for us ? Old man moon looks down on us with a wink in his eye tonight . " " It is the passing of an age , that is what . Many long years , happy memories , but there is an ending to every story , good and bad . Ol ' Madge here has seen it all , yes I have . " " Hmm , this will do fine . " The crone went over to a wooden cabinet which had vials of liquid scattered about the shelves . She grabbed a tube with a bubbly fluid inside with a purple tinge to it , and then poured the leaves in . Madge hobbled over to the great stone fireplace that warmed the cottage , and a black cauldron was resting above the burning flames . A green liquid boiled away in a frenzy , fat bubbles oozing from the surface . She stirred the mixture with a metal ladle . Trickster growled , his dark mane bristling . The master made a gesture in the air , and the front door burst open as the black cat sprang into the night , the transformation beginning to take place . A howl echoed from the woods outside , and Madge shouted in response , the language old and archaic . " Hee hee hee , " she chuckled . " A pointed cone for a crooked crone . " She set the hat on her head , and brushed back the strands of silver hair that lay tangled down to her shoulders . She began to feel much younger and stronger , but it was only wishful thinking . Potions could give her a teasing of both , but that was it . A reading desk sat in the corner , and a dusty tome sprawled along the top . Strange words and symbols were etched onto the crinkled pages , the lettering written in blood . She leafed through until she found the proper incantation , then closed the book with a snap . " Long ago , I could recite nearly every line of verse in half that script . But now . . . . . " The old woman shook her head , again being overcome with remorse . " More 's the pity , old hag , I 've had my turn . The wheels of time roll on without stopping , and my moment has arrived to step aside . Only fond memories , no regrets . " Madge held the broom up triumphantly , and opened the front door . A strong breeze was blowing , and fallen leaves covered the mossy earth . Sinister figures crouched within the surrounding shadows , lurking among the trees . One cold night , he was exploring alone on an Island . It seems awakened , forbidden . Various creatures are lurking every where . Being alone , he doesn 't have much choice but to face his fear and fight them with his sword . It seems that he still have his SPECIAL POWERS with him as he was able to hit them with one quick sweep . With this , he was able to explore deeper in the island until he come face to face with a GIANT OCTOPUS . Without sweat , he killed the boss with just one hit . He can finally see his way out of this Awakened , Forbidden Island and much to his horror , a wild [ GML ] Lilim appeared . . . . . One day , a guy named Matthew just transferred into his new rental room . He is a college student , 18 yrs old of age basically a teen . It 's a spacious room for him , alone . Mother : ( Proud and Relief ) That 's my son . ( Smiling ) I need to hang up now . Lunch break is over i need to get going . Good luck there sweetheart , do your best and study hard . Make me proud . After the Skype call ended , he returned to the door to get his things and he started to organize it well . When he is done organizing his stuffs , he decided to sit and take a break . While taking a break he spent his time memorizing like every corner or detail of the room . " It wasn 't that bad after all . " he said firmly , when something caught his attention , as he stare to it for a minute , he find it odd . He slowly moves toward the strange black thing on the wall . " A hole ? " he said curiously . He immediately reached for his phone because he wanted to inform the landlady about it , if she already knew that there 's a hole in the wall that is needed to be repaired . But before he call the landlady , out of curiosity he decided to scan the hole with his finger , and finally he take a look . And to his surprise , he saw a girl dancing . But he can 't see the face of the girl because it was dancing carefully without looking at the back . But despite her perfect body that fits her red and white dress , and her graceful dance , Matthew thought how beautiful it was to take a peek , and he decided not to tell the landlady about it . The next few days , he found himself standing right through the wall , and his right eyes open and searching for the girl who caught his attention . He watched the mysterious girl carefully as she dance . Matthew thought how lucky he was to have such a wonderful dancer next door . Day by day , night by night . He intend to waste his time sneaking a look into the hole again , because he finds it comforting and trying his luck that one day he will see the face of the girl . But the next day , surprisingly when he tried to peek again , he saw nothing but plain red . " Where is the girl ? Ugh , i thought i 'll be able to see her face now " he said in disappointment . Since he is disappointed he wandered first around his room , and then he tried to peek again after he ate his lunch . But then there is still nothing but red . He felt a sudden breeze run through his skin and it gave him chills . And at that moment , he made up his mind and decided to ask the landlady about the hole . He called the Landlady . Matthew : Good , btw i just have some complain about the hole in the wall in my room . Well , uhm … it 's just kinda disturbing . Would you mind fixing it ? Landlady : ( Nervous ) Yes , former . She was one of my longest tenant who lived in that place . But she died 3 years ago . No , more likely she 's been killed . Raped . And no , her favorite dress is white , not red and white . ( The landlady keep talking on a profound tone ) she 's been raped , molested and killed . Her dress has been stained with her own blood . And when the cops found out her corpse , her eyes . There is something wrong in her eyes . It became red , red as blood . I don 't know the other details , that 's all i know . ( Nervous and Scared ) You saw her right ? Right through the hole , be honest with me Matthew . He was so afraid , and all of the information he got from the landlady is just too much for him . He decided to put a cover on the hole for the mean time . But for the last time , again out of curiosity he tried to peek just to see if it is still red . ( Nervous ) " It wasn 't red anymore . . . . . . . What a relief " he said . But when things turns ugly , it suddenly became red . Red , not red , to red and not red . It was so fast , like it was blinking . He remembered what the landlady said " There is something wrong in her eyes . It became red , red as blood . " A cold breeze of air hits him , and he pushed himself away from wall . And he said : ( Tense ) It can 't be , no , there 's no way . It was her eyes after all . Does that mean she is also watching me behind that wall these past few days ? Copyright © 2009 - 2012 Moon Night Cabal Online . All right reserved . All times are GMT + 2 . The time now is 02 : 06 . Moon Night Cabal Online |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Daniel Jackson entered the local coffee shop . This was his first year of college in D . C . but this was the first time he had set foot in this shop . He looked around for an empty table but didn 't find one it was only eleven , he hadn 't expected it to be this crowded this early in the day . He was getting ready to leave when a man waved at him . Daniel didn 't wave back because he didn 't know the man . The man waved him over to his table . The table was large and the man had his work scattered over half of it . Daniel thought he recognized the man . Like he had maybe seen the man before in the paper or at a lecture or something . " I don 't mind sharing the space . Go ahead . Sit . " The man said . Daniel nodded and sat down . But he kept an eye on the man . He knew about some things people did to others . He didn 't trust the human race all that much . He set out his books and started to work on his homework . A few minutes later a waitress got him a cup of coffee . Daniel didn 't notice the man watching him . Daniel drank the coffee while it was still steaming . After he finished his homework for the day he switched to a book he was reading for fun . He sat there a while , not noticing the looks . " So are you in college ? " " Huh ? You talking to me ? " Daniel asked looking up at the man . The man just laughed . Daniel liked the way the smile lit up the man 's face . " I 'm 16 almost 17 . I got a head start on college . " Daniel said . The waitress refilled Daniel 's cup for the seventh time . " What about you ? " " Part time ? " Daniel asked a smile on his face . Because people Jack 's age usually didn 't work part time unless they had other things going for them . Or just didn 't want to work . " Yes , part time . It 's my fathers company . I 'm an engineer there . " Jack said . It clicked where Daniel had seen him . " So Dr . Jack O ' Neill ? " Daniel asked . Jack nodded . " I remember now where I 've seen you before . Major O ' Neill . On the cover of the ' Washington Times . ' It was you and some General . About the new airplane . You helped develop something on it . " " Oh this … no . This is just to keep the languages I 've learned intact . This is Gaelic . I went to two years at Oxford . Then have spent the last year abroad . I got a degree in languages . Masters . I 'll go in a few years for my PhD . But I wanted to get these classes over with . " Daniel said pointing at a different book . Jack picked it up . " I want to be a writer . I 'm sorry . I 'm probably boring you to death . I 'll just go back to reading . " " No . It 's interesting . I 've never seen someone as young as you have it all planned out . Me ? When I was your age I was still in high school . I wanted into the Air Force I knew that . But that was it . So why the study of languages if you want to be a writer ? " Jack asked . Daniel looked at him for a moment . Wondering if Jack was just being nice or he wanted to know . " I bet she 's proud . " Jack said . Jack missed the look of pain cross Daniel 's face . Daniel stared at his book without reading anything . " What do you mean ? " Jack asked . That answer he got worrying him . He had never heard that tone come from someone so young . He had heard it from vets who had seen friends die . " She died about nine years ago . Her and my father . " Daniel said . Jack sucked in a breath but knew instinctively that Daniel didn 't want pity . " I 'm sorry . " Jack said but he let the subject drop . They didn 't speak the rest of the afternoon . Around three Jack packed up his stuff and left . Saying goodbye to Daniel . By then Daniel was working on his English homework and didn 't look up when Jack left . Just mumbled a goodbye and that was it . Flights home base . He worked from here all the time though not all of it was for his father 's company . Most of it was designs and such for newer and more improved things to do with Military airplanes . But he couldn 't get Daniel out of his mind . Nor did he for the next week . Everyday around eleven he went to that coffee shop but Daniel wasn 't there . A week and a half later Jack was walking by a different coffee shop and saw a person sitting alone at a table . The whole table was covered in books and the person was writing away . Jack recognized Daniel in an instant . Jack entered the shop . He didn 't have to work that day so he could take his time to talk to Daniel . Jack knew he liked Daniel . And could grow to like him more in other ways . But of course there was the age factor . Daniel was 12 years younger . But he seemed mature . He didn 't want to mess things up so he was going to take things slow . Become friends with Daniel before even considering dating the young man . Of course he had thought of the fact that Daniel didn 't like men that way . But he tried not to think of it often . Daniel happened to look up as Jack neared his table . Jack saw the spark of recognition in Daniel 's eyes . Daniel motioned for Jack to sit down while he sipped his coffee and wished he had left earlier . " Major O ' Neill , it 's a pleasure to see you again . " Daniel said with a smile . Even though he hadn 't gone to the other coffee shop so he wouldn 't see the other man again . Jack sat down and smiled . " Please call me Jack . " Jack said . Daniel smiled and nodded . He looked down at his papers and made a few notes before he started closing the books . " No , continue working . " " I finished my homework . I was just studying . I take my last final tomorrow at noon . " Daniel said . He packed his stuff into his bag and pulled out a book . A waitress took Jack 's coffee order . " Do you ever work ? " " Not today . I only work four days a week . Two and a half for the military at my dad 's company and one and a half for my dad . " Jack said . Daniel laughed . He looked at his watch for a second before looking back at Jack . " Have somewhere to be ? " " It 's an older game . Re - run . And I like hockey . Never a dull moment . " Daniel said . Jack smiled . And thought about how this teen wasn 't just a geek . " That 's when I eat supper . I go out on Wednesday nights to eat . That way I can say I don 't spend all my time working or reading . " Daniel said . He couldn 't understand why he was telling Jack this . He never talked about himself if he could help it . But with Jack he just wanted to talk . He wanted to share things with the man . And that was scaring him . He 'd never been that way with anyone . " You 're very easy to talk to , Jack . " " Really ? No one 's every told me that before . Of course I don 't have many friends either . " Jack said . He saw the nod of agreement from Daniel . " You 've got to have friends . " " No . I have no one close . I have friends . The one 's I study with . The ones who drive me home sometimes . " Daniel said . " No , I don 't . I 've never needed it . I live in a loft about seven blocks from the school . Shops and stores are close . If I need to go somewhere else , I take a cab . " Daniel said . Jack nodded at the sense of it . " From home . I work for a magazine consortium . I translate and edit things from other counties . I live in the loft my foster parents owned . I sold everything of theirs when they died in a plane crash . I invested most of the money . They weren 't the best parents . I live off the money from my job . Which is not inconsiderable . I rarely dip … . " Daniel stopped when he noticed he had told Jack about most of his life . He started blushing . " Let 's see . I get good money from both of my jobs . I live in an apartment owned by my father . It 's near the office so that 's good . I have money invested . I live happily alone . My co - workers don 't like my humor . Don 't understand it . They hate my attitude . And they can 't stand how I act . They put up with me because I am good at what I do . My mom and dad live in a nice house outside town . I went to school on the Air Force payroll . Now I work for them to make anything that flies better and safer . " Jack said . As he talked the blush left Daniel 's face . He looked down at his watch . " It 's three o ' clock . You should get going if you want to watch the game . " " Do you like hockey ? " Daniel asked . He didn 't know why he was doing this . Jack was military and Daniel was gay . But maybe Jack could be a good friend to him . Just maybe . " Then why don 't you come with me ? We can watch the game and talk some more . If you want ? " Daniel asked . Jack saw the hope there . Jack nodded . He stood up and set money on the table for his coffee , as did Daniel . Since Jack had an opening he was going to try to make this a weekly thing . Seeing Daniel . And maybe after a while they could be good friends and then maybe more . Jack waited around for the end of Daniel 's last class of the day . It was Friday . So he was hoping that whatever happened both would be able to go to work Monday . Jack watched everyone file out of the class . He knew that Daniel would be last out . He never packed up until the teacher dismissed them . And he always took his time in packing everything up . So he didn 't lose anything or nothing was damaged . Five minutes later Daniel walked out of the class with a backpack over one shoulder and three books in his arms . He wasn 't aware of Jack . And when Jack pulled the books out of his arms he jumped . " Jack ? " Daniel asked . He looked at Jack with a strange look on his face . But his heart leaped at little at seeing Jack . He had found a true friend in the older military man . He knew he could easily grow to like the man in more than friends ' way . But he didn 't let himself because Jack was straight . " This was your last class right ? Until Monday ? " Jack asked . Daniel nodded . Jack grabbed his arm and pulled him along until they got to Jack 's truck . " Put your stuff in the back seat . It 's after six . How about dinner ? " " Jack ? What are you doing here ? " Daniel asked . He didn 't like this . Jack was acting strange . His heart fell . Jack must have found out he was gay . Daniel resolved to not let Jack hurt him . He had had enough friends do that over the years . He wasn 't going to let another do it to him . " Listen I want to talk with you . And here is not the place to do it . I was thinking we could pick something up and eat it at my place . " Jack said . " No . I 'm sorry . I can 't . Not tonight . I 'm waiting on a call . I need to stay at my loft . " Daniel said . Jack couldn 't tell that Daniel was lying . And Daniel needed a reason to not go out with Jack . Otherwise he would make himself look stupid when Jack told him never to show his face around again . " Don 't worry , Jack . I understand . I won 't bother you anymore . " Daniel said . He turned and walked to a car that stopped in front of him . He got into the back seat . Jack watched the car drive away . He knew it would take Daniel a while to get home . Jack got to Daniel 's loft as quick as he could . He always thought it was funny that Daniel owned such a nice loft but he didn 't have the money for a car . Daniel 's foster parents had left him the loft . They owned and so when they died it was passed on to him . All he had to pay was utilities . Jack parked his truck where Daniel wouldn 't see it . Then he went up to Daniel 's place . It only took him a few seconds to pick the lock . This wasn 't how he wanted to do this . He had known Daniel for five months . He didn 't understand why Daniel acted like that . He heard a noise outside the door so he hid behind it . Daniel entered . He set his backpack on the floor and his books on the counter . That 's when Jack moved forward . He put a hand around Daniel 's waist and one over his mouth . " Daniel , I just want to talk . " Jack said . Daniel picked up his foot and slammed it down on Jack 's . Jack let go and he got an elbow to his stomach . " I told you before . You don 't have to worry . I wasn 't going to hang around you anymore . I 'm surprised it took you this long to figure it out . The whole campus knows . " Daniel said . He moved and opened the front door . " You can leave now . Your reputation is intact . " " Wow . Maybe all military men are the same . Have to beat me up ? Make the fag hurt ? To keep your manhood ? " Daniel said . Jack stepped forward but Daniel didn 't step back . He wasn 't going to let Jack bully him . Daniel wasn 't prepared for the hand and went around the back of his neck or the one that went around his waist to pull him close . He gasped when Jack brought their lips together . Jack kept up the pressure . He slipped his tongue out to trace Daniel 's lips . Daniel opened his mouth and moaned when Jack tangled their tongues together . Jack pulled his face back to talk but he kept his arms around Daniel . Daniel had moved one hand to Jack 's upper arm and the other was on Jack 's face , holding him tenderly . " Are you making fun of me ? " " Never . I really like you . " Jack said . He gave Daniel another quick kiss . " I 've always been gay . I keep it hid because I 'm in the military . " " I 'm sorry . I 've had a lot of friends who have found out and left . It was easier to run away than to hear it . Defense mechanism . " Daniel said with a blush creeping onto his face . He ducked his head . " I really like you , too . But I am not good at relationships . " " I 'm hungry . Do you want to cook , order in , or go out ? " Jack asked letting Daniel go fully . He was trying to keep things light so that Daniel wouldn 't freak . He didn 't want Daniel to treat him any different . He hoped Daniel would catch on . " I 'll cook . But we have to go to the store . I haven 't been there in a while . Living on take - out . " Daniel said with a smile . Jack smiled back and opened the door to usher Daniel out so they could get back soon . He had never seen Daniel cook and knew it would be fun . Shopping was fun as well . Jack had never seen Daniel smile that much when he wasn 't talking about books or languages . They bickered over what they were going to eat . Finally deciding on sweet and sour pork . When they got back into Jack 's truck , Jack pulled Daniel over for a quick kiss . " Jack ! " Daniel said . He looked around . " You shouldn 't … " But Jack cut him off with another kiss before he could finish his sentence . Daniel pulled back so far that Jack couldn 't reach him again . Jack laughed lowly and started the truck . Jack saw the worry on Daniel 's face and sombered up slightly . Of course Daniel wasn 't used to a relationship where you just kissed for no reason . He kept quiet till they got up to Daniel 's loft . Daniel went to the kitchen and started cutting vegetables . " Daniel , listen , I 'm not followed around . No one cares . I checked to make sure no one was around before I kissed you . " Jack said . " Quit worrying . Plus I noticed you 've stopped calling yourself almost seventeen . You didn 't tell me you had a birthday . " Jack said tickling Daniel 's sides lightly . Daniel squirmed away from him , already familiar with Jack 's touch . " Yeah , about two months ago . " Daniel said sitting down the knife and turning around . Jack was holding something . It looked like it could be a book . " It was supposed to be a ' no hard feelings ' present . To show that even if you didn 't feel the same , I still wanted to be friends . Now it 's a very late birthday present . But through no fault of my own . " Jack said handing it to Daniel . He knew from the weight it was a book . It was wrapped in simple brown paper . " When I was over two weeks ago I checked to make sure you didn 't have it . " " I wanted to . " Jack said . Daniel smiled and looked at the book . It was in Gaelic . " You said you liked stories about King Arthur . Its ' Le Morte d ' Arthur ' I found it in Gaelic and thought you might like it . " " Jack this is . I . Thank you . I 've never been big on birthdays . I hate parties . " Daniel said . Jack nodded . Daniel looked up at Jack from the book to smile at Jack . " What about yours ? " " No . I just said that . To protect my self . To give a reason for not going out . But I am hungry . And you need to be out of the kitchen for me to cook . " Daniel said ushering Jack out of the kitchen , Jack laughing while he did it . " Go watch TV or something . Food should be ready within the hour . If I 'm not bothered . " Daniel knocked on Jack 's front door . He waited a minute and then knocked again . This wasn 't like Jack . In the year they had been together , Jack had always been prompt . Especially since Daniel was late . Daniel looked at his watch . He was supposed to be here around seven thirty it was now very close to eight . Daniel turned the doorknob and it opened . " Jack ? " Daniel called into the apartment as he stepped in . Then he saw a small , pale light go on in the kitchen . He walked towards it and entered the kitchen . Two candles lit the room . The table was set with fine plates and wine glasses . He could smell the sauce for spaghetti . He also noticed the strings of classical music on low . He felt Jack move up behind him . " It 's beautiful , Jack . But it 's three weeks before a year . " Daniel said turning in Jack 's hold . Not understanding why he would go to all out for a normal night together . " I know . But I wanted to tell you something . I was going to wait until after . But I can 't . " Jack said . He kissed Daniel for a few long minutes , loving it when Daniel opened his mouth so Jack could taste him , then pulled back . He smiled then put his mouth next to Daniel 's ear . " I love you , Daniel Jackson . " " Jack , I uhh … I don 't … uhh " Daniel stuttered . He didn 't know how to answer . He truly didn 't know what he felt for Jack . Jack pulled back so he could see Daniel 's face . " Shh . Danny , your twelve years younger than me . I don 't expect you to say it back , not yet . I just wanted to tell you . So you know I 'm not going anywhere . And I don 't want you to stay just because I love you . You are eighteen years old . " " And I 'm happy . Last time I was this happy was with my parents . " Daniel said hugging Jack . Then he kissed Jack quickly . " And I want you to know that I care for you . A lot . But … . " " No pressure , Danny . And I won 't say it again . " Jack said . Daniel shook his head no . He was happy and he didn 't want to change Jack or make his change . " No . Say it when you feel like it . And I like hearing it . " Daniel said . And he did . He liked hearing it . It made him feel special . He kissed Jack again . " So let 's eat . " " Yes . " Jack said . He served the food and they ate in silence . Daniel noticed how Jack seemed to inhale his food . He was eating like a starved man . " Hungry ? " Daniel asked with a smile on his face . Something he didn 't do enough Jack thought . Jack looked up and blushed . He hadn 't meant to be so quick about eating . " I didn 't eat much for breakfast or lunch . I was too nervous . Afraid you wouldn 't be happy about it . Afraid you would leave . " Jack said smiling and finishing his food . Daniel had eaten at a much slower pace and wasn 't done , so Jack sat back and watched him eat . Neither man liked to talk while eating . They enjoy the silence . Daniel looked up at Jack when he took a drink and saw that Jack was looking at him , he blushed . As he always did when he caught Jack staring at him . " Why do you do that ? " Daniel asked as he stood to clean off his plate . He leaned over the sink his back to Jack so he didn 't see Jack stand with his plate . " What ? Watch you ? I like to . Your hands move gracefully . I really like just watching you move . " Jack said standing behind Daniel to clean his plate . " So , what do you want to do ? " " I don 't know . I don 't want to go out . I 'm tired . " Daniel said shutting off the water and turning around . Jack leaned forward and they kissed . " Sounds good . " Daniel said with a nod . He followed Jack to the living room . Jack sat down on the couch . Daniel stood for a moment thinking where he was going to sit . Jack put his arm on the back of the couch and Daniel sat down beside Jack . Curling into his side . Jack smiled as the movie started . Daniel had always hated being touched . It was something to do with his childhood , something Daniel never talked about . Daniel had slowly come to letting Jack touch him when he wanted . . Jack slipped his arm around Daniel 's waist and Daniel laid his head on Jack 's shoulder . Three hours later the movie was over and Jack was looking down at the head in is lap . Daniel had been asleep for the last hour . He had slipped from Jack 's shoulder down into Jack 's lap . With Jack 's help that is . The position Daniel 's neck had been at wouldn 't have done him any good . Jack traced a finger down the side of Daniel 's face lightly . Daniel cracked an eye open . " Hey . " " Actually you fell asleep on my shoulder and slipped down . It 's near midnight . " Jack said slipping a hand down to rest on Daniel 's stomach . Rubbing slightly . Enough for Daniel to close his eyes and hum slightly , liking Jack 's touch on his stomach . " I have an eight o ' clock class . I need to go . " Daniel said sitting up . Jack put a hand on Daniel 's thigh to stop him from standing . " Use the guest room . I 'll drive you tomorrow . " Jack said . Daniel stared at him for a minute before nodding . Jack smiled . While they had been together almost a year , Jack wanted to take things slow . He didn 't want to rush because of Daniel 's age . And Daniel seemed fine with that . He stood up and pulled Daniel up . Daniel followed him to the guest room . " Dresser has clothes . Shirts and pants , sweatpants . If you want to shower , you can . " " Six thirty . " Daniel said . Jack nodded . He kissed Daniel then left the room . He shut the door on his way out . Daniel changed and laid down the bed . This was the first time Daniel had stayed at Jack 's . He lay down and the moment his head hit the pillow he was asleep . Feeling comfortable . Jack rolled over and looked at the clock . It was only two in the morning . He wondered what woke him up . Then he heard the noise again . It was talking , loud talking . He sat up in bed . And heard it again . Even louder this time and more urgent sounding ; it was coming from the guest room . He quickly stood and moved to the guest room . He opened the door . Daniel was moving about on the bed , like he was having a nightmare . And he was . " No . Please don 't . Don 't leave me . Mom ! " Daniel screamed as he sat up . Jack stayed where he was . Daniel rubbed his eyes . He didn 't have his glasses on so he couldn 't see Jack in the doorway . Jack knew Daniel 's eyesight wasn 't the greatest when he didn 't have his glasses on . Everything had to be shadows and blurs . " Great . Let 's hope you didn 't wake him up . That 's all he needs . Getting woke up in the middle of the night by a whiny boyfriend . " " Danny ? " Jack called quietly . He didn 't like what he had just heard . Maybe those foster homes had been worse than he thought . Daniel jerked his head up and looked at the door . He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table . When he could see again he saw the frown on Jack 's face . He knew that Jack had heard him . " It was just a nightmare . I 'm sorry I woke you up . " Daniel said hoping Jack would leave , he didn 't want to talk about it , but Jack didn 't leave . Jack moved and sat on the edge of the bed . Jack put a hand on Daniel 's thigh . Jack didn 't say anything just looked at Daniel . After a few minutes Daniel caved . He looked down . " It was when my parents died . We were in a museum . Mom and Dad were setting up a cover stone . The chain broke and it fell on them . " " Oh , Danny . You saw it ? " Jack asked . Daniel nodded . Jack knew his parents had died but he never knew that Daniel had seen it . Jack pulled Daniel till he was tucked in his arms . Daniel knew that Jack wasn 't mad at him , for waking him , and Daniel started crying . Jack rubbed his hands on Daniel 's back until Daniel stopped crying . " I don 't care that you woke me up . I thought that you would understand that when I told you I love you . " " Old habits . My foster parents hated it when I had nightmares . " Daniel said . He didn 't try to get out of Jack 's embrace . Jack shifted and they lay down . Daniel shifted so that Jack was spooned up behind him . Daniel also pulled the covers over top of them . Neither said anything just fell asleep . They woke up hours later in the same position . Jack woke first and didn 't move so that Daniel could sleep . Jack looked at the clock . It was only six . A few minutes before six thirty Daniel started moving . Jack felt the body tense . And he knew that Daniel must have been reacting to the fact that Jack was holding him . " Morning , Jack . " Daniel said turning around in Jack 's hold . He kissed Jack . Jack felt a sudden urgency in the kiss and rolled them so that he was on top . His body between Daniel 's spread legs . " This okay ? " Jack asked . Daniel nodded before kissing Jack again . Jack felt Daniel 's arms go around his back and let himself settle on top of Daniel fully with Daniel 's arms pulling him down . Jack loved the taste of Daniel . Jack felt Daniel fully harden when he lay down and he hardened in response . Daniel moaned at the contact between them . Jack started rocking and he felt Daniel arch up to create more friction . Jack had to breathe so he released Daniel 's mouth and moved his face to Daniel 's neck and bite slightly . Just enough to leave a mark , then he sucked on it and made it red . And it made Daniel even harder . " God , Jack ! " Daniel moaned at the sensations Jack was creating on his body . Jack smiled and started kissing Daniel again . As Jack started rocking harder , Daniel caressed Jack 's back then brought Jack 's head even closer , he started sucking on Jack 's tongue . It was Jack 's turn to moan . He felt his orgasm nearing so he started moving faster . His hands were everywhere on Daniel . Daniel had long ago stopped trying to feel where they were . " Jack , I 'm … . " But Daniel never finished as Jack felt his body stiffen signaling that he was coming . Jack followed him . He was dozing lightly when he felt Daniel 's hand on the back of his head , caressing his neck . " It 's ten till Jack . I need to shower . Well we both do . I have a class in about an hour . " " I know . I just don 't think I can move yet . " Jack said with a smile . He felt Daniel laugh and knew they would be fine . He thought that Daniel might freak . He had had a few lovers that had freaked . " And no more sleeping in here for you . My beds much bigger and more comfortable for a grown man or two . Much better for sleeping . " " Okay . " Daniel said kissing Jack 's cheek while laughing . Jack stood up and pulled Daniel with him . Daniel picked at his sweatpants . The semen making them stick slightly to his groin . " Next time maybe we should be naked . " Daniel said with a grin as he moved towards Jack 's bathroom . Daniel was sitting on his balcony reading when Jack entered the loft using the key Daniel had given him before he had left last week . Jack looked at the book . He smiled when he saw it was a book Daniel was reading for fun . Daniel rarely read for fun anymore . It was in English and was a current bestseller . Jack 's slight anger at Daniel , for not telling him something , left when he saw him sitting there . Daniel might be a teenager but he was very mature for his age . More mature than most of the people Jack knew . Himself included . Jack grabbed a bottle of water from Daniel 's fridge and stepped on to the balcony . Daniel was lost in his reading and didn 't notice Jack was there . It was Friday night and Jack wanted to spend the weekend with Daniel . He 'd had a hard week being away from Daniel and the conference he had been forced to attend . Which had been boring and had put him to sleep more than once . " Hey , Danny . " Jack said . Daniel started and dropped the book . Daniel glared at Jack for a second before looking for where the book had fallen . " Jesus , Jack . Don 't do that . Make noise for heaven 's sake . " Daniel said while picking up his book . He found his page and put his bookmark in it . But he didn 't stand . Jack thought this was odd . Daniel Al most always hugged him in recent times . " I did . I got into the fridge . The door squeaks . Not my fault your mind was elsewhere . " Jack said handing Daniel the water . Daniel smiled and opened it . He took a long drink . " Didn 't you miss me ? " Jack asked a pout on his face . He hadn 't seen Daniel in a week and he wanted a kiss . " You brag about your military training ? " Daniel asked a smile on his face . " Did that teach you to notice things ? You always talk of being ever vigilant , seeing everything . " " What ? " Jack asked then he saw the crutches in the corner leaning against the wall . He briefly wondered how he had missed those things . Then remember that he had only had eyes from Daniel since the moment he had stepped in the door . He looked at Daniel . And he noticed that Daniel 's left leg wasn 't bent like the other . It was straight out in front of him . Jack dropped to his knees and ran his hand down Daniel 's leg . He felt Daniel shiver . Then he found the bandage around Daniel 's knee . " What happened ? " " Some students got into a fight . I got shoved . Piece of jagged metal cut me , the cut is seven inches , and had twenty - eight stitches put in . Can 't bend the knee or I 'll pop them . " Daniel said . Jack was frowning and looking at the bandage . " Jack , I 'm fine . Come here . You 've been gone a week . " Daniel said pulling Jack 's face up to him so they could kiss . Jack lost himself in the kiss until he remembered why he had come over . He pulled back a few inches from Daniel . " Jack , it happened yesterday . And I don 't think it would have been a good idea . Your male lover calling you about himself getting hurt . " Jack shook his head a sad smile on his face . " About last week . Your first time . " Jack said . Daniel 's face became a blank slate as he grabbed the railing and stood . Jack had figured it out a few hours ago . He remembered Daniel had told him that he never trusted anyone like he did Jack . And if it had been over a year before Daniel had felt comfortable enough with Jack to have sex then he wouldn 't have with anyone else . " What do you mean ? " Daniel asked while grabbing his crutches and tucking the book between his hand and the crutch . Jack followed him into the kitchen where Daniel started to get food ready for dinner . Jack put his hand over Daniel 's , which was holding a pot . Daniel set it down . He went from ramrod straight to slumping . Jack pulled the crutches out from Daniel 's armpits and moved to hold him . " I never liked someone that much and have them feel the same . Until you three months was the longest relationship I 'd ever had . " " And we are now just two weeks shy of a year . " Jack said , loving it when Daniel relaxed fully into his arms . " I 'm not mad , anymore . I just would have wanted it to be a little better . " " Romantic friction ? " Daniel asked laughing all the while . Jack laughed as well . He was so in love with Daniel that he couldn 't stay mad at him for long . " Why don 't we save the romance until you enter me . " " And we won 't do that until your ready . I don 't want to do anything with you until you are ready . I don 't want to hurt you in anyway . " Jack said . He turned Daniel around , carefully . He looked in Daniel 's eyes before kissing him . " In the meantime , we can have fun other ways . Like teaching you the mechanics of how it 's done . " Jack said . Daniel 's eyes went wide in surprise . " What ? Think that because I 'm military I wouldn 't want you to do it to me ? Oh , no . I rather enjoy it . I love the feeling I get when someone 's inside of me . The fullness of having someone in me . The connection with the person I am with . " " I just … " Daniel said ducking his head in embarrassment . He knew he had been caught making an assumption . He hadn 't really thought that Jack would be so open about it . He thought that he would have to wait a long time before Jack was comfortable with the idea of penetration . " I know what you were just thinking . Now go prop that leg up . I 'll cook tonight . " Jack said . Daniel opened his mouth to fight Jack on that . Daniel hated to just sit down and not do anything . Jack stopped him by kissing him . Daniel found purchase on Jack 's face and pushed his head back . Before he lost himself in Jack 's taste . " Jack is that how you are always going to shut me up ? " Daniel asked . Jack pulled Daniel 's hands from his face and kissed each palm before handing Daniel his crutches . " It 's the only way I know of , so far . " Jack said with a smile . He moved so Daniel could step away from the counter . Jack put a hand on Daniel 's shoulder . Daniel turned and looked at him over that shoulder . " I love you . " " Sounds good . " Jack said as he followed Daniel into the living room so they could sit on the couch . Jack convinced Daniel to lean against him He ordered food and it arrived twenty minutes later . They ate in silence , like they always had , then watched a movie . Jack smiled at the fact that Daniel had fallen asleep on Jack again . But this time he woke Daniel up . He needed to sleep on a bed with his leg the way it was . Jack gave him the crutches and shoved him in the direction of the bathroom , while Jack got the bed ready . Daniel emerged from the bathroom dressed in a pair of sweats and a t - shirt . Jack helped Daniel get his leg comfortable on the bed then moved to shut up the loft for the night . Daniel stopped him by grabbing his arm . " Of course . But I have to change and shut up the place . " Jack said leaning down to kiss Daniel 's forehead . When he came back into the room five minutes later ready to sleep . Daniel was already asleep . Jack stripped to his boxers and lay down with Daniel . Daniel was lying on his back so his leg could be stretched straight out . So Jack snuggled up to his uninjured side . He looked at Daniel 's face . " I love you so much . And those that didn 't . They were blind and stupid . " Jack didn 't see the smile that came over Daniel 's face since he shut off the light just before saying that . Daniel woke up to the smell of food cooking and a very strong smell of coffee . He opened his eyes to see Jack holding a cup of coffee , sipping it . He held out his hand and Jack smiled and handed him the cup . Followed by the medicine he had to take . Daniel grimaced at the medicine , but took them . Jack smiled again . " I didn 't want you to forget them . " Jack said . Daniel handed him the cup back and Jack handed him another one . Daniel hadn 't seen that one on the nightstand . " That you just drank was mine . This was supposed to be yours . " Daniel smiled and Jack sat down next to Daniel waiting for him to finish the cup of coffee so he could kiss Daniel . And Daniel was expecting it . He leaned up to Jack and kissed him before Jack could move . Last night made him really believe that Jack loved him . Those words said when Jack thought he was asleep . Daniel lost himself in the kiss and it took a few seconds for him to notice that Jack was trying to pull back . Daniel let him go and smiled shyly . " It 's just that the bacon 's gonna burn . " Jack said . He stood and went to the kitchen . A few minutes later he came back in . Daniel saw that he was looking unsure . He hadn 't seen that look on Jack since Jack had kissed him that first time almost a year ago . " Yes . But I have to be careful . " Daniel said . Jack nodded and smiled . But the hesitation was still there . Daniel smiled as it dawned on him what Jack wanted . " Of course help in the shower would be a lot better . That way I won 't rip my stitches . " " Sweet . " Jack said . He moved to help Daniel stand up . Jack got Daniel into the bathroom and sitting on the toilet before he went to get the crutches and to put the food in the oven . Daniel hated eating before he showered so the food would have to wait . When Jack entered the bathroom Daniel was sitting on the toilet naked . Even the bandage had been removed . " The wrapping is under the sink . You 'll have to change it once we are done and the wound is dry . " Daniel said . Jack nodded half hearing . His mind and eyes were stuck on the wound . Which was swollen and red . He crouched down and ran a hand around the edge of it . Daniel hissed . Jack pulled his hand back like it had been burnt . " No . Jack , you didn 't hurt me . My knee is a really erogenous for me , even with it hurt like this . And I 'd rather wait to be in the shower before we do anything . " Daniel said . Jack looked up at Daniel with his eyes wide . Daniel smiled . He had never talked to anyone about that and seeing the smile on Jack 's face he was glad he did . Jack slowly helped Daniel into the shower and turned on the water . Jack had already showered so this was going to be just for Daniel . Jack got the towels out for them to dry off on and by the time he got into the shower , Daniel was washing the shampoo out of his hair . Jack pouted . " I wanted to do that . " Jack said . Daniel turned and looked at him surprised . They had shared a shower the week before but were both in such a rush they had done everything quickly and separately . That 's what he thought this was going to be . " I … I 'm sorry . " Daniel said . He handed Jack the bottle of conditioner . Jack smiled and took it . He took his time in doing Daniel 's hair . Massaging the scalp . Daniel was humming and moaning . Jack smiled . He moved Daniel under the water to wash the conditioner out . Then he grabbed rag to wash off Daniel 's body . He started with Daniel 's chest and arms . Daniel had kept his eyes closed the whole time . Just wanting to feel . He could feel Jack 's cock brush against his thigh . Jack was washing him but staying away from Daniel 's groin area . And Daniel was happy . If Jack touched him he knew he would come . A few minutes later Jack was done . After Jack moved him under the showerhead to wash the soap away he started kissing him . Daniel wound his hands around Jack 's neck to hold him there . Jack pressed himself close to Daniel until he felt Daniel tense . That 's when he remembered Daniel 's knee . Jack released his mouth and let Daniel breathe . " Don 't worry . That didn 't hurt . Too much . " " I have a better idea . " Jack said . He helped Daniel move to where he was leaning against the wall of the shower with the water barely hitting him . He kissed Daniel again before dropping to his knees . Daniel gasped when Jack buried his face in his groin . His hands going to Jack 's shoulder to support himself so he wouldn 't collapse when he felt Jack take him partially in his mouth . When Jack had said he had a better idea he didn 't think that meant going down on him . " God , Jack ! " Daniel said trying to stay upright . And not hurt his knee . Jack hummed a little and Daniel gasped again . He could feel the vibrations translate from Jack 's mouth to his cock and he liked it . Jack started sucking and licking and Daniel was finding it even harder to stay standing . After a few minutes of ministrations on his cock Daniel was coming . Jack heard the moans and gasps as Daniel came and he came himself , without touching himself . Jack 's semen hit the bottom of the shower only to be washed away . Daniel barely registered that Jack was swallowing his semen but he could feel Jack 's throat muscles contracting . They had talked before about it and confirmed that they were both clean . But it still surprised Daniel . He started to slink down the wall and Jack stood up to catch him . Jack kissed him and Daniel could taste himself , which was very erotic to him . " I think you killed me . " " I hope not . It would be kind of hard to explain . Death by sucking in the shower . " Jack said with a smile . Daniel looked down and saw that Jack was limp . He looked at Jack . Jack saw what Daniel was looking at . " The noises you were making set me off . The gasps and the moans . You barely said anything last week . " " I think that was the surprise . Of course I can 't ask anyone else if I make noise . There hasn 't been anyone else . Jack , the waters getting cold . Help me out of here . " Daniel said as he started to shiver . Jack smiled and helped his lover out of the shower . He took his time in drying Daniel off and by the time Daniel was dry Jack was as well . Daniel always kept his place warm . Jack knew it was from him growing up in Egypt . He carefully patted the wound dry and tried not to flinch when Daniel gasped from pain . " I think I should take another pain pill . Now that I 'm coming down from my high . It 's really hurting . " Jack could hear the pain in Daniel 's voice as he talked . Jack kissed the bandage before he pulled Daniel 's sweatpants up on him . Jack knew that the pain wasn 't all from the sex . Part of it was from the shower they had taken by its self . Jack gave Daniel his crutches and Daniel left the room to go to the kitchen . Jack cleaned up the bathroom and put the dirty towels in the washroom before dressing himself . Daniel was sitting at the kitchen table with his head down . Jack walked up to him and rubbed his back . He could feel tension in Daniel 's back . Which he shouldn 't have , given what they did in the shower . No one should be that tense after sex . " Danny ? " Jack asked . Jack was worried . Daniel looked up and Jack saw the smile on Daniel 's face . But he saw the pain lines around Daniel 's eyes . Jack quickly got him a pill . Daniel took the pill without complaint . " I bumped my leg on the table . " Daniel said as a way of explanation for why he was in such bad shape . Jack shook his head in wonder . February 1992 Daniel looked at his loft . The lights were down low and candles were lit all over . The food had just finished cooking . He looked at his watch . It was eight thirty and Jack should be there soon . He sat down on the couch to wait . At midnight Jack entered the loft , making sure to make very little noise . He saw the now ruined dinner and the half burnt candles . He moved to the living room . Daniel was curled up in a ball on the couch . Jack always wondered how Daniel got himself to be so small . Daniel stood at a little over six feet tall . And yet his build made him look small . Daniel had muscle to him . But it was easily hidden in the baggy clothes he wore most of the time . Jack saw the tear tracks down Daniel 's face and he was mad at himself . He saw the empty wine bottle lying on its side on the floor . Jack knew Daniel had to have had a friend buy the wine for tonight . Jack knew Daniel wasn 't waking up anytime soon . Jack carefully picked up Daniel to carry him to the bedroom they now shared . He had started staying at Daniel 's more and more . His apartment was too small . As Jack laid him down he thought about the fact he knew what was going through Daniel 's mind . Jack hadn 't been around much the past few weeks . Daniel was only dressed in a nice shirt , undershirt , boxers and jeans . Jack stripped him down to the boxers and undershirt before covering him up . He laid a piece of paper down with the glasses Jack had taken from Daniel 's face . Jack then went to clean up the kitchen and blow out all the candles . When he was done he also stripped down to his t - shirt and boxers before lying down . Daniel automatically settled at his side and Jack fell asleep . Daniel woke up trying to remember where he was . The dull headache he had was not helping him much . Then he saw Jack . Daniel raised his head up to look at Jack . Jack was curled up on his body . His head on Daniel 's shoulder , an arm thrown over his stomach , and a leg tangled with his own . He looked for his glasses and found them along with a note . I 'm sorry . I 'll make it up to you I promise . We finally got the break through we needed and not a moment too soon . Time slipped away last night and I totally forgot . I know you understand . But I shouldn 't have done it . I 'm also sorry that I haven 't been around a lot the last few weeks . I have a surprise planned . I guess I should tell you now . It 's a two - week vacation on a boat sailing around Australia . " The note said . Jack was watching Daniel 's reaction to the note . When Daniel had started moving , he had woken up . He had wanted Daniel to finish reading before he started talking . He thought Daniel would be mad . Even though he had planned a nice trip . He wasn 't ready for the tear filled eyes looking down at him . Nor the passionate kiss Daniel gave him . Jack 's mind went blank as Daniel threw the covers off them . Jack spread his legs so that Daniel could settle between them . " I know , Jack . " Daniel said . He smiled when Jack lifted up so they were both sitting . Jack on the bed and Daniel in his lap . Jack lifted Daniel 's shirt up and off . Jack leaned forward and licked one of Daniel 's nipples . Daniel tipped his head back and moaned . Jack traced a hand down Daniel 's stomach and closed his hand around Daniel 's cock . Daniel grabbed his hand and pulled it away . " No . Not that way . I want you to come inside me . " " I 've been thinking about this for months . I 've read about it . You seem to enjoy it . " Daniel said before kissing Jack . Jack put an arm around Daniel 's waist then he rolled them so Daniel was underneath him . " But I want it like this . Face to face . I know it 's a little harder for the first time . But I want it like this . " " Okay . " Jack said . He pulled Daniel 's boxers off then stripped off his own clothes . He grabbed the lube from Daniel 's nightstand and lay down on Daniel again . He had lubed up one hand before he started kissing Daniel again . His unlubed hand was playing with Daniel 's nipples so that he would be distracted . He took his lubed hand and trailed a finger down Daniel 's stomach and through his groin and down to Daniel 's opening . When Jack rubbed his finger against it , Daniel thrust down and gasped around Jack 's tongue in his mouth . Jack slipped a finger in halfway before Daniel 's muscles clamped down and stopped him . " Relax , Love . " " Trying . " Daniel said . Jack felt the muscles give and he slipped the finger in all the way . Jack rubbed the finger in and out until Daniel 's passage was loose enough for two . The second went in no problem . Jack started scissoring the fingers to work the passage even more . When Daniel started thrusting down on Jack 's fingers , Jack started moving his fingers around looking for something . He found it and Daniel almost screamed . " Prostate ? " " Yep . Now I 'm putting in three . " Jack said . The third finger had a little resistance but soon Daniel was ready for Jack 's cock . Jack pulled out his fingers and Daniel mewled at the loss . " You 'll like this better . Just stay relaxed . " " I 'll try . " Daniel said as Jack lifted his hips to place his thighs over Jack 's thighs . Jack placed his cock as Daniel 's entrance and slowly pushed in . Jack rubbed Daniel 's belly soothingly . A few times Daniel clenched the muscles of his ass and Jack stopped until they relaxed again . After a few minutes Jack was fully in Daniel . He was breathing hard while lying on Daniel . His mouth next to Daniel 's ear , he could hear Daniel 's harsh breaths . He was giving Daniel time to adjust . " How 's it feel ? " Jack asked . Daniel 's body was tense and Jack needed him to not be . Daniel could do talking . Talking calmed him down . It would also help calm Jack down . Daniel was tight and hot and Jack wanted to stay there forever . " Burned a little . Not really any pain . You loosened me up nicely . " Daniel said . He was stroking Jack 's sweat covered back . Jack pulled himself up to his forearms so he could look Daniel in the eye . " Right now ? Just kinda full , but nice . And I really , really wish you would move . " Daniel said slapping Jack 's ass to get Jack moving . Jack kissed Daniel as he slowly pulled out . As he pushed back in Daniel shifted his hips and wrapped his legs around Jack 's back . The shift caused Jack to hit Daniel 's prostate on every thrust . Jack kept the contact between their mouths he slowly moved in and out . Daniel timed the thrusts of his tongue to match Jack thrusting in him . He felt Daniel 's moans more than heard since the noise was drowned out . Jack broke the kiss to look at Daniel . When Jack 's lips had left his own Daniel had thrown his head back in pleasure . He moved his head to look at Jack and they locked eyes . Jack snaked a hand behind Daniel 's head to bring it up so he could kiss Daniel . Daniel braced his hand on Jack 's upper arm and other he put around Jack 's body to rest on his ass . He used it to pull Jack back into him a little faster and harder . Jack needed to breathe so he started sucking Daniel 's collarbone . " Jack , oh , God ! I 'm going to come . " Daniel said before he smashed Jack 's mouth back on his . Jack reached a hand down to stroke Daniel 's cock . In a few strokes Daniel was coming . The clenching of Daniel 's ass muscles around his cock made Jack come as well . Jack muffled his cries of pleasure in Daniel 's mouth . When Jack had finally got his breathing under control he lifted up off of Daniel . Jack recognized instantly that Daniel was asleep . Jack looked at the clock . It was only three in the morning . Daniel reached , in his sleep , to pull Jack back down on top of him . Jack smiled but settled on Daniel in a position that wouldn 't have Daniel hurting in the morning . Then Jack found the covers and pulled them up . He used tissues to clean them both up then went to sleep himself . Jack woke up to the feeling of someone rubbing his back . Jack was lying on his stomach in Daniel 's bed . And Daniel was currently rubbing Jack 's back in a soothing manner . Jack also noticed that Daniel was fully dressed in jeans and a sweater . His hair was still wet from a shower and Jack could smell food . And coffee . Daniel always put coffee on in the morning . " Morning . " Jack said . Daniel smiled , leaned down and kissed Jack . Jack could taste coffee in the kiss and laughed . Daniel cocked an eyebrow at him . " Coffee . You taste like coffee . " " Because you weren 't supposed to be awake before me . How are you feeling this morning ? " Jack asked as he ran a hand down Daniel 's back and settled it on Daniel 's ass . Daniel smiled . " No . Jack . I checked . No blood . It was perfect . I just wish it could have went like I planned . " Daniel said . Jack put a hand on Daniel 's cheek and rubbed . " Don 't apologize . I 've forgotten things when I get caught up in work . I 'm not mad . " " Then what could have made this better ? " Jack asked while frowning . Trying to think about what Daniel meant . Everything had been pretty perfect in his eyes . He couldn 't think of anything that could have made it better . " You knowing something before you made love to me . " Daniel said . Jack 's frown deepened . Daniel leaned over so his mouth was next to Jack 's ear . " Knowing that I love you , Jack O ' Neill . " " Danny ? " Jack called as he entered Daniel 's loft . Jack looked at the mess the loft was . He had never seen it like that . Daniel usually kept everything neat and tidy . Jack looked in the kitchen to find it spotless , like Daniel hadn 't even set foot in there , but the trashcan was full . The bathroom had towels everywhere from the showers Daniel had taken . The living room was covered in wadded up papers , pens , pencils , and books . And the bedroom had clothes and blankets everywhere . Jack didn 't even know if Daniel was home . He hadn 't been able to get a hold of Daniel for a week . And he was worried . Jack was about to leave when he saw the lump of blankets and clothes on the bed move . All the worry Jack had , over the last week , left quickly at the sight of Daniel 's face peaking out from under the blankets when they moved . But he frowned when he saw an unshaven face as well . Daniel hated hair on his face . Jack started picking up all the clothes and put them in the bin to be washed and was about to wake Daniel up when he really looked at the younger man . Daniel had bags under his eyes from very little sleep . Jack stripped off his shirt so he could lay down on the bed with Daniel . Daniel spooned up behind him . " Jack . " Daniel sighed in his sleep . He felt the smile curve on Daniel 's face in his back . Jack smiled and locked his hand with the one Daniel had thrown over his middle . Jack wasn 't tired but he enjoyed lying with Daniel , so he just lay there trying not to think of the reasons the apartment and Daniel were in the shape they were . Two hours later , Daniel started to move . He has long since stopped tensing when he woke up with Jack in his bed . " Jack ? When did you get here ? " Daniel asked as he sat up in bed . His short hair mussed and his shirt rumpled . He started looking for his glasses . Which Jack found and put on his face . " I 'm sorry . I 've been busy . I tried calling you . I couldn 't get an answer . " Daniel said . He went to put coffee on . Jack saw the stiffness in Daniel 's back and knew he had fallen asleep in strange places and not his bed most of the time when he did go to sleep . " It 's seven o ' clock at night . You were sleeping like the dead . What 's wrong ? " Jack asked cornering Daniel in the kitchen . Daniel wouldn 't look him in the eye . He knew what that meant . Daniel was embarrassed and ashamed . The anger that had started to take root in Jack 's mind left quickly at the sight . But it was still there ready to strike . " I 've been working hard for school . My sleep 's off is all . " Daniel said not looking at Jack . His gaze was on a point on the wall behind Jack . Jack knew it was at least a partial lie . He wasn 't outright lying but he was trying to hide the truth from Jack . And that hurt . " Your loft is a mess . I 've never seen it like this , Daniel . We 've been together for two years . Don 't start lying to me now . " Jack said . Daniel bowed his head again . He wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed . Jack stepped forward and hugged Daniel . " I can 't help if I don 't know what 's wrong . " " There 's nothing wrong . " Daniel said stepping out of Jack 's embrace . Jack saw the coldness creeping into Daniel 's eyes and his voice . He 'd seen it before . When people talked about his parents to him . " You never ask about my classes . Yes , you ask about what my day was like . But never about which certain ones I am taking . So I never talked about it . I didn 't think you cared or wanted to know . I 've been making myself work . As fast and as hard as I can . Trying to get it done as soon as possible . I was writing a paper for the magazine . The only one I will ever write . They asked so I did it . I 've finished it . Sent it off where it needs to go . For a while now I haven 't really been taking classes , per se . I 've been working on my doctorate . " Daniel said . Jack was taken back . He also stepped back . He couldn 't understand why Daniel hadn 't told him . He didn 't understand why Daniel had lied to him . And that made him angry . His rational mind was trying to calm him down but he wasn 't listening . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " Jack asked . A harsh tone to his voice . The tone of his voice and quickness it was delivered with made Daniel look up . He stared Jack in the eye for a minute before talking . " Because it didn 't matter . It was just something I did . To honor my birth parents , to do something and honor their memory and what they taught me before they died . Yes , I love languages . But I could do what I want with them without the degree . I didn 't expect praise nor do I need it . I don 't need a big party to tell me that I became Dr . Daniel Jackson . I don 't need presents to tell me that I did well . And I don 't need your pity , Jack . " Daniel said . " Pity ? Who said I was going to give you pity ? And why would I give you pity . I 've never given you pity . You got your PhD . You don 't need pity . " Jack said . Anger making him step into Daniel 's personal space . Daniel stepped back and into the counter behind him . It didn 't even register that Daniel had gotten the PhD and he should be happy . " It 's in your eyes when I talk about my parents . It 's in everyone 's . I don 't care about the PhD . Mom always told me I 'd be ' Dr . Daniel Jackson ' one day . I didn 't want to go into Anthropology and Archeology like my dad so the least I could do was get a PhD in linguistics . " Daniel said . He knew Jack was mad . In the back of his mind he always knew that Jack would be mad . But he never listened to that part . He always pushed it away . Thinking Jack wouldn 't care enough . " You still should have told me . Daniel , I am in love with you . I want to know what 's going on in your life . I thought that since you loved me you would tell me everything . " Jack said . Daniel could hear the hurt in his voice but he didn 't care . He needed Jack to understand . " Why ? So that if I failed . If I didn 't get it , you would have pitied me even more . I couldn 't stand that Jack . I get enough on a day - to - day basis . My parents were famous . When anyone hears my name in the archeology or linguistics field the first question they ask is if Claire and Melburn were my parents . Then they get sad . And they pity me . ' Poor Daniel Jackson , he lost his parents . ' I 'm sick of it . I hate it . That 's why I want to be a writer . My name won 't be put up there beside my parents . I can be my own person . I won 't get special treatment because of whom they were . I will get everything on my own merits . " Daniel said . He was trying to squash the tears that were threatening to fall . But he knew he couldn 't . Everything over the past week , since he had got the paper about his PhD , was finally catching up to him . All the pain of his parent 's death was coming back . Jack looked at Daniel for a few minutes . His anger truly fading this time and understanding taking root in his mind . He had never really thought about that . He never thought that Daniel could hate his parents . He didn 't hate that they died . Daniel knew he couldn 't control that anymore than they could . But he could hate them , a little . For reasons even they couldn 't control . But in a way he did . Because they left him with a legacy he didn 't want . Jack sighed and pulled Daniel to him in a hug . Daniel 's shoulders slumped and Jack felt moisture on his shoulder . The tears were silent . Jack had never seen Daniel truly cry . He hadn 't thought about it . " Shh . " Jack said as he felt Daniel 's knees buckle . Jack gently lowered Daniel to the floor . He held Daniel and rocked him while the silent tears flowed from Daniel . He pushed what had happened out of his mind . After a while Jack thought Daniel was asleep until he heard a tummy growl and Daniel giggle . " Giggle ? You giggled ? " " Yeah . " Daniel said . But he didn 't pull back from Jack . He just lay there . " I 'm sorry . I shouldn 't have pushed you away . I should have told you . I 'm slowly getting used to having another person in my life to care about . I 've been alone so long . " " I know . I know . But I am going to get you a present . " Jack said . Daniel pulled to glare at Jack . Jack covered his mouth so he couldn 't talk . " Ahh . Listen to me . It 's going to be something for both of us . This month is our second anniversary . So I was thinking . You are getting sick of running around in my truck . Why don 't we get a car ? We 'll put it in your name . You need one , Danny . " " I guess so . " Daniel said standing up . He looked in his cupboards for food . And found nothing that looked appetizing . He turned to look at Jack . " Take me out for food ? " " Come on , Danny . Please ? " Jack pleaded as he followed Daniel around the loft . Daniel was cleaning up the loft . Once Daniel was done cleaning in the living room Jack pounced . He pushed Daniel under him on the couch . Jack had made sure that when they went down that Daniel 's long legs were between him . So that Daniel couldn 't kick him off . " Jack ! " Daniel screamed as Jack started tickling him . Daniel tried his best to deflect the hands but couldn 't . In a few minutes Daniel was a mass of wriggling appendages and was laughing . Jack stopped and kissed the tears , from laughing , away before kissing Daniel . Daniel immediately opened his mouth to let Jack 's tongue in . He sucked on it before Jack pulled back . Daniel was breathing heavy . " Jack ! Come back here . " " No . " Jack said . He took hold of Daniel 's hands and held them above his head . Jack saw the uneasy look Daniel gave him and leaned down to kiss him . " Not until I can read your book . " " No , Jack . " Daniel said . He didn 't want Jack to read it . Not unless a publisher agreed to print it . Jack kissed Daniel again . And when Daniel opened his mouth , Jack pulled back and trailed kisses down Daniel 's throat . " Jack , let me go . " " So I can touch . " Daniel said a whine to his voice . Jack pulled back up so that only their hands and legs were touching . He looked at Daniel with a grin and it clicked in Daniel 's mind . " You 're going to with hold sex from me till I let you read my book . " " Maybe . " Jack said . Daniel started thinking about why he wasn 't letting Jack read the book . And it always came back to his mind protecting him . " Jack , I went from puberty , which was age twelve for me , till age eighteen with sex that didn 't involve my right hand . I think I will be able to outlast you . " Daniel said . Jack sighed and released Daniel 's hands . Though he had been joking he thought that Daniel would get what he really meant . He dropped his head onto Daniel 's shoulder . Daniel wrapped his arms around Jack and held him . Jack didn 't relax into the hug but he didn 't jump out of it either . Daniel finally told his mind to take a hike . " Minds are a funny thing . Sometimes they don 't listen to hearts . " " I don 't think I have all of old habits broken . Six years and my mind still thinks you are going to hurt me . There 's a copy in my safe . " Daniel said . Jack smiled and relaxed on top of Daniel with his head on Daniel 's shoulder . Daniel let Jack relax like that for a while before flipping them over . Jack landed underneath him on the floor . Jack wasn 't expecting this and started when Daniel landed on top of him . Daniel smiled and kissed him . " I learn things . " " Yeah , you do . " Jack said . He tried to sit up but Daniel wasn 't letting him . " Some things may not be good for your health . " " Oh , really ? " Daniel asked as he rubbed his half hard cock against Jack 's . Jack tipped his head back and moaned . Daniel leaned down to nip at Jack 's neck . He pulled back enough to look at the mark before licking it to soothe any pain . Jack used one hand to pull Daniel 's face to his so they could kiss . The other he used to keep Daniel 's groin in contact with his . They both timed the thrusting of their tongues to match that of their groins and in a few minutes both men had climaxed . Daniel collapsed atop Jack and relaxed , waiting for the tremors in his body to stop . When his wet underwear started to bug him he sat up . " Six years and we still haven 't learned how to take out clothes off . " " And this is the part that makes it more fun . " Jack said . Daniel smiled and let Jack pull him into the shower . Forty minutes later they both exited the shower . Daniel looked at the clock . " Hey , it 's your first day off in a week . I wanted to play . You spend all day in that library . Plus eating two hours late won 't hurt . " Jack said as Daniel went to the kitchen . Jack started to follow him but diverted to the phone stand when the phone rang . " Jackson residence . " " Thanks . " Daniel said he took the phone and went to his study . He shut the door and Jack sighed . He finished making the sandwiches and when he saw the light on the base of the phone go off and Daniel didn 't come running out Jack knew what the news had been . Jack sighed . He had been hoping to tell Daniel about his mission later that week . But he didn 't think this was the time . Daniel exited the study a few minutes later . His eyes sad but other than that he looked good , like nothing had happened . He handed Jack a stack of papers . Jack knew it was Daniel 's book . " It 's just one . I sent it to a lot of others . I 'm fine , Jack . " Daniel said . Jack nodded . He pulled Daniel into a hug and just held him for while . Daniel just held onto him . Daniel was silent , for the most part , the rest of the evening . Jack just held him . Not knowing what he could do . That night when they went to bed Jack told Daniel about the mission . " I know . But this needs to be done now and I 'm the only person who can do it . Don 't worry , Love . I 'll be fine . I 'll be back and in your hair before you know it . " Jack said . Daniel just kissed Jack and went to sleep . Jack spent the next few days reading Daniel 's book . Three days later Daniel watched Jack board the plane that would take him to a base in Florida where he and his team would leave from to go to Iraq . Since there were military men all around their goodbyes were short . Jack shot Daniel a knowing look as he entered the plane . Daniel started writing his newest idea for a book at night when he got home from work so that he wouldn 't miss Jack as much . At the end of the week he was ready to see Jack again . He woke up that morning to here someone knocking at his door . He knew it wasn 't Jack since Jack had a key and would let himself into the apartment . He dressed and opened the door . It was Jack 's friend Harry from work . " Harry ? What are you doing here ? Jack 's not here . " Daniel said . Harry was the only person who knew about them at Jack 's work . He saw the haunted look in Harry 's eyes and knew . He backed up into the house and hit a wall and slid down it . " Daniel , we got the call this morning from Jack 's father . A troop found blood everywhere . Everyone in his unit was killed . Jack 's pack had seven bullet holes in it . One would have been through the heart . " Harry said . He turned and shut the door to the loft then helped Daniel to his couch . Daniel was catatonic . He hadn 't moved on his own nor had he spoke , and he didn 't for hours . Harry had to go into work , so went upstairs and found Mr . Hammond , to sit with Daniel . That night around midnight George moved to the living room from the kitchen where he had made coffee to find Daniel holding a picture of him and Jack . Hammond didn 't hear any sobs but he knew that Daniel was crying . George sat down beside him and held him till Daniel was asleep . George covered the boy up moved to the guest room to sleep . When George woke up the next morning he found Daniel typing on his computer . When George asked if he was hungry Daniel didn 't answer . But he did drink the cup of coffee that George handed him and he ate the plate of food that he put next to him . But he never looked up or said anything . George took care of Daniel for the next few weeks , which included giving Daniel pills to make him sleep . And convincing him to see a shrink , which took some doing . Daniel came home four weeks after Jack 's death to find a message waiting for him from a Sam Carter representing Echo Books . He almost didn 't call her back . But later that day when he was looking through his desk , he found a note from Jack . If you found this . Then well I 'm not with you anymore . I 'm sorry that I have left you . But I want you to do one thing for me . I want you to publish your books . I want you to take that trip to Egypt we planned . And I want you to be happy . I gave you six years of happiness , Danny . And I don 't want you to regret a moment of them . I 'll be looking out for you wherever I am . 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Month : May 2015 God Bless Hiking Boots When we arrived at the airport in Norway , we had absolutely no idea what our plan was . We originally thought that the two boys would be joining us on Tuesday . However , because of exams and whatnot , they weren 't coming in until Wednesday . It was only Monday , so we now had a period of 48 hours with no housing . We probably could have managed 24 … but two days is pushing it . Ordinarily , I would have already had everything planned out . Not this time ! We had no housing and no idea how to transport around . Kelly and I had looked at transport and the weather a while back , and we were nearly convinced that Norway would be the death of us . Transport was showing buses and ferries taking 10 hours with multiple transfers , housing was ridiculously priced , and temperatures looked like they would be freezing cold with snow … The weather was beautiful when we got to Norway , and fortunately for us remained pretty good the entire time . We figured out where to go and how to get there . We are alive and well with a ton of great memories ! We chose a more inconvenient airport to save hundreds of dollars . Good ole ' Ryanair always has our back . From London , we paid 9 . 99 Euro to get there , and only 22 Euro to fly back into London . A flight straight to Dublin was way out of the range of what I was willing to spend . We decided that choosing this airport was one of the best decisions because we not only saved money , we also got to see even more of Norway ! This was the tiniest international airport I have ever seen . We couldn 't just stay there for the night because it wasn 't open 24 hours . I looked up hostels again … cried internally about the prices and decided to think about Plan B . I started looking up churches in the area to see if there was any sort of help or advice they could offer . There was an international church that looked hopeful . Ali called and talked to a pastor , who said he would see if there was anything he could do . Ali and Kelly fell asleep in the airport , so I had to stay awake and finish figuring out what we were going to do . I figured out how and when and where to go to bus to Stavanger , where we would be meeting up with Greg . Fortunately I noticed that we had to take a bus to get to our bus … otherwise we would have been just waiting around the airport until we got kicked out . Also , thankfully we had three people , because both Ali and I 's payment cards locked up on us . Jelly came to the rescue and was able to loan us money 🙂 I had to stay awake in case the pastor tried calling us . I knew I needed to stay awake because I didn 't want to miss the call or bus we needed to take . However , I was so tired from running on only one hour of sleep that my eyes were open but my body was twitching . I tried finding a place to charge my laptop so that I could continue researching while also keeping myself awake , but I couldn 't get to the outlets without bothering Ali . So … I just sat there , staring at the phone . I did withdraw some money and filled up my water bottle ! On the bright side , the little sunroom we were in was a great place to sit , with the sun warming the entire room ! ( no pun intended ) Once we were on the bus to get to the bus we needed , we found out that the pastor couldn 't help up . The international church was associated with a seminary , and their facilities were full . I guess that is a good problem to have ! But just like that , we were once more homeless . Once at the bus terminal , we had three hours to wait until the bus for Stavanger arrived . I was able to find an outlet and got back on my laptop to try and find housing . Someone had once suggested the website " airbnb " accommodation . I found a couple of options that seemed relatively cheap for Norway . I filled out my information , got verified for the website so that they knew I was actually Mallory Stuckwisch , and sent yet another desperation plea ( motif for this vacation ) to a woman named Karin . I made sure to continue creating a list of alternatives in case this fell through . By the time we left the bus terminal , Karin still hadn 't responded to my request . Finally on the bus , which fortunately had wifi , I received a response ! She said that the website showed an inaccurate price . However , she didn 't want us staying on the street at night . Her daughter had just left that very day to move to New York for work . She said that she wanted to help us because , and I quote , " I hope that someone will help her also : ) " She ended up making the price cheaper for us and even came back a second time without me asking or prodding or hesitating at the first deal and lowered the price even more ! What would have cost us over $ 40 a night a piece ended up costing a little over $ 20 / night per person . She also continued to check up on us the entire bus ride and offered advice for getting to her house . The bus ride alone was worth the cost of the transport ticket . It was around 2 and a half hours of driving through Norway , and it was absolutely gorgeous ! We got to see all the beautiful lakes and mountainous terrain . At one point , the bus driver stopped the bus and everyone got off without a word . We were really confused because this was only an hour into the ride . We exchanged confused looks with the bus driver before he finally said , " Ferry . You can 't sit in here . " None of us had realized that the bus had driven onto a ferry ! Upstairs , we sat at a booth by the window and then decided to check out their food options . We ended up all three getting some Norwegian dish that the lady insisted we try . I tried finding the exact name of what we ate , but it appears as though there are tons of names for it . Potetball , raspeball , komler , klubb , komper … . Whatever the name , it was a sausage surrounded by a potato / flour dumpling . Additionally , it was soacked in butter with bacon pieces . I can feel my cholesterol levels rising as I type . It was really interesting , tasted pretty good , and didn 't actually cause heart failure . It did , however , sit heavy on our stomachs . When we got into Stavanger , Ali was able to get a map pulled up so that we could find the street we needed . She got us to the street , which wasn 't too far away , but the next task was finding the house number . We ended up running across the freeway a few times , fighting construction , facing a roundabout … you know , all that fun stuff . ( Sorry , Mom ! ) We finally found house 62 , but weren 't sure what to expect from this point on . Jelly worked up the courage to press the buzzer . Nothing happened . Jelly once more pressed the buzzer , but this time it made a noise ! ! Karin stuck her head out of a window upstairs and said something about how she would be down shortly . She led us around to the back basement , which was newly renovated . We each had our own room . The floors were heated . We had showers ! Karin brought us ham on bread , fish soup , and a bottle of wine . I am picky when it come to fish , but this was delicious ! After eating , I took a shower , ate , and went to bed because I was sleep deprived . Ali and Kelly ran loads of laundry because Karin was kind enough to let us use the washer , drier , and soap ! I was really happy to get my socks washed . Karin also told us that she could drop us off in town the next morning if we wanted because she was going in for work . We ended up deciding to sleep in because we desperately needed it . I got up around 11 and decided I was ready to head out and explore . With my huge penguin project done , I was free ! ! Ali and Kelly said they needed to stay back and study , so I was prepared to head out alone . In the end , Jelly ended up deciding she would go see Stavanger with me ! We found the simple way to get to town that didn 't require running across the freeway . ( You 're welcome , Mom ! ) Once in Stavanger , we started by walking around the lake . Then we wandered over to the fjords and walked along the water , admiring the huge boats . We found our way to Old Town , which had cute cobblestone sidewalks and little white houses . I also found a cat that looked almost identical to Finn ! ! After this , we headed back towards the water so we could head the other way and not get lost . Kelly found a building with her name on it that she wanted a picture with , so we strayed from the water . While we were over there , we happened upon a slack line ! Kelly and I tried until we each went from one plastic base to the other . The middle part was the hardest because it is so shaky ! When I started getting better , Kelly took a video . However , the time she chose to record , I hardly made it a step . The next take was better 🙂 We went back to walking along the water once we had both successfully conquered the slack line . Next , we found a playground made out of old metal pieces . It was like a junkyard turned playground that was big enough for adults . There were a bunch of bright red balls and we discovered that they were secured in place but still squishy ! I bounced across the top of them . Then my foot landed between two of them and I plopped right on the ground into the sand . We moved on and found where we needed to be for the ferry the next day . After this , we decided to risk cutting through the land to head back to Karin 's . We found the tower landmark and walked through the streets where all their shops are . We brought food back for all of us , and then shortly after , Karin came down to check on us . She brought us leftover sandwiches from her work , so we had lunch for the next day ! At some point after Jelly and I returned , we all fell asleep on Ali 's bed . I was curled up at the end like a dog . We had to have napped for over an hour . We were still exhausted from lack of sleep . We did get some more laundry done , I blogged about my parent 's visit , and Ali and Jelly were confronted by a guy from Barcelona who was occupying the fourth room . He said something about there being standing water in the bathroom . There was water on the floor because there was no curtain or glass or anything to stop the water , but I think he exaggerated just a tad about the depth of the water 😉 We had tried our best to squeegee ! The next morning , we got up and gathered our belongings . We didn 't hear back in time exactly when we were meeting up with the boys , so we had to leave without saying goodbye to Karin . That was pretty sad . We do have her address for a thank you note though ! We stopped in a a few little markets to find protein bars and also water to fill up our bottles since we weren 't sure at this point whether it was safe to drink from the tap . Next we went in search of hiking boots for Jelly since we were upping our hiking game that week . I fortunately had boots I had bought back in Ireland . We sat at the ferry port and waited for the boys , while eating our sandwiches from Karin . We weren 't there for very long when Chris and Greg showed up . Ali took them back to the sport shop to get a knife , map , and compass . When they came back , we jumped on the ferry that was departing and headed over to Tau . We were able to find a bus to the campsite once we got off , and arrived at Wathne Camping ! When we showed up in the reception cabin , they were a little surprised . It turns out that they didn 't have our reservation in the system because their server was down and they had forgotten to write our names down after we emailed to reserve . They were very apologetic and were able to arrange a cabin for the first two nights . The second two nights , we were moved to their other building down the road . It was a holiday weekend for them so they were completely booked those two nights ! The building we got moved into was an old restaurant converted into living space . There was plenty of room and a professional kitchen ! Not that we had a need for it , but we had a deep frier even ! It turns out that Betty and Sam are missionaries from Texas . They have been in Norway for 20 years . They were extremely helpful the entire stay ! Sam drove us where we needed to go and would pick us up when we were done . They offered advice for trails around the area . They were just in general very friendly , wonderful people ! My favourite thing was Betty 's sweatshirt that said " Grandma 's Gems " with all of the names of her grandchildren and rhinestones . The first night we were there , we sent Greg and Chris to get groceries . Ali , Kelly , and I explored the campsite . We hopped on rocks , my foot fell in the water and my waterproof boot wasn 't fully tied , and we took pictures . After leaving the lake area , we headed over to huge rocks overlooking the road . We were perched there waiting to see Greg and Chris go by in the car . We waited for a long while and didn 't see them . Finally , it started getting chilly and my feet were still wet , so we decided to head back . I slipped on the gravel on the way down and Jelly sort of caught me from behind . It turns out , they had been back for a while ! We must have just missed them when we moved over to the rocks . When we got back into the cabin , the boys were cutting up potatoes for dinner . We sat in the living room area eating cashews 🙂 The next day , we set out to find trails . It was rainy and cold out , so it was hard to get motivated to get going . I got dressed in my most waterproof thing - a dress - and went out . At first we just walked along not really on trails . We found an area of huge moss covered rocks that was cool and the ground was really squishy everywhere ! Greg decided we should go back and ask for real trail , so after seeking Sam 's advice , we went to the Hamrane forest trails . Even then we eventually ended up off the trails again , roughing it up hills in the forest . My foot once more fell into water and my shoe was once more tied improperly . We climbed up several sections of huge rocks that would slip out from under you if you weren 't careful , and maneuvered over , under , and around brush . Jelly 's poor little legs couldn 't reach as far as the rest of ours , but I kept telling her that it would be worth it ! And it was ! ! There were points where we could see pretty well over trees , we had fun , got exercise , and found a waterfall ! They were discussing whether they wanted to go up higher on the waterfall , but I convinced them that we should head back because there was a huge , black scary storm front coming in . We used the " controlled fall " technique so Greg called it , and scrambled down the mountain . Just as we hit the bottom , it started pouring ! We ended up inside a gated pasture and had to hop a fence to get out . People went down the driveway and then sat there . They were probably wondering why we were in their livestock fields . I had on cotton leggings that were soaking up all the water … Chris had a windbreaker that did a better job of retaining water than repelling it . So , it was a race to get into our cabin . Once inside , we warmed up with the heaters and then sat out on the front porch until the rain started coming inwards . The next day , Friday , it was absolutely beautiful out ! We headed into town where we caught a bus for Preikestolen . This hike was only 2 . 4 miles each way , but it was on elevated surfaces that challenged my level of fitness . Chris , Greg , and I were pretty far ahead of Ali and Kelly because we walk fast . The terrain changed so much throughout the hike - it went from forest to rocky to bog to snow ! It even hailed on us a few times ! ! Once we made it to the top of Pulpit Rock , I sat on the edge of the cliff , which was 600 meters above the fjord . To put it into context , the Cliffs of Moher only reaches 214 meters max . The best place to sit was the corner . It sort of tilted down towards the water , which was frightening , yet exhilarating . One of the scariest parts is the deep cracks along the plateau . At some point the Plateau will fall down into the water , but scientists say that it 's safe for now 🙂 The views from Pulpit Rock were surreal ! Eventually Ali and Kelly caught up , and we ate our sandwiches on the cliffside . Jelly is afraid of heights , so I am proud of Kelly for getting as close to the edge as she did ! ! After eating , we climbed up the mountainside to get a bird 's - eye - view of Preikestolen . We all hiked down together . Kelly built a snowman . Since she is from the San Francisco area , she isn 't used to snow and got super pumped about it being all around . The best part was when she started screaming " Owww , it 's stinging me ! ! " Once at the bottom , we went down to the lake . We stood on some rocks and then found a little hut that we sat in . At one point , three girls went past on a canoe . We all stared at each other and laughed . We headed back up to the lodge , where we found out that we had until 9 for our bus . So , we sat overlooking the lake . The next day was beautiful again . We were going to go to a waterfall , but Sam was busy building a tool shed . He picked us up and brought us back to the campsite , until he could run us to the buses . We ended up going back out to Preikestolen , but went canoeing this time . They wouldn 't let us put three in the canoe even though there were three benches , so we had to rent an extra kayak . They did only charge us for two hours , instead of the four we rented them for ! ! Kelly and I paddled together and we did better than expected , especially when I would count out loud . For some reason being in a canoe made me channel my inner Native American , and I kept wanting to sing " Colors of the Wind . " We shored the boats on the other side of the lake and hit some hiking trails . The hike down to the fjords wasn 't bad . It was tricky in places and required some climbing because of water puddles . But it was fun ! I fell into a bush at one point . The way back up was rough . I couldn 't breathe . At one point , I told Greg and Chris , " I am stopping . I need air . Now . " So , we waited for Ali and Kelly to catch up . I was able to catch my breath in the meantime . We made it back to the canoes and Ali and Chris switched turns on the kayak . We spent the next few hours drifting and lightly paddling around the lake - or in Ali 's case being lightly paddled around the lake . The alcoves were all fun to explore ! At one point I leaned against the back of the boat and Kelly leaned against my knees , and we just closed our eyes and listed to the baby waterfall next to us . I also discovered on the way back that I am capable of rowing a canoe solo for a good distance . I had Kelly stop rowing because I wanted to see if I could do it . Once our time was up , we put the canoes back . Ali tried pulling the canoe further onto shore for me , but didn 't realize that I was already standing up and making my way out of the boat . She pulled as I was precariously balancing , and I ended up flying backwards into the canoe . Better than in the water 🙂 We missed a bus by a few minutes and ended up having to hang around the lodge for an hour and a half before the next one at 8 : 50 . I sat outside for a tiny bit and appreciated the campfire smell , but it got cold quickly . Jelly and I headed into the lodge , where we could still see the lake while drinking hot chocolate and sitting on reindeer pelts . When we got back to Tau , we were hungry and couldn 't get ahold of Sam . So we walked in search of food . We ended up finding our way to Tau Cafe and Pizza . We defeated two large kebab pizzas , one even had french fries on it ! We had to eventually move the party outside because they were closing for the night . Finally , Sam showed up and took us home . The next morning , Sam took us to the ferry port before his church started , since Greg and Chris had to be back for their flights later that day . We hung out for a little bit outside before Chris got on his airport shuttle . The coffee shop we were waiting outside opened at noon , so the rest of us migrated inside and enjoyed some coffee and pastries . Afterwards , we headed over to the water and sat on a huge mirror bench / piece of art ? and talked while watching all the people go by . We went up to the tower before getting Greg to the bus stop . Once he was gone , Ali , Kelly , and I waited around until 9 pm when we could go to the airbnb place I had found for the night . We hit up the deli for sandwiches and took them with us to the apartment . We were just in one room this time and it was pretty much a living room … there was a table for us to eat our food ! We unintentionally broke the number one rule for staying at their place : no pork . ( I am assuming it was a religious thing ? ) I had read that off to Jelly and Ali when I was booking the place , but Jelly didn 't hear me and Ali didn 't realize that it was for the place we were staying . I didn 't pay attention when we were ordering food at the deli and both Ali and Kelly had food with some form of pork . I realized while we were there eating … so we quickly finished up the food . I told them that we could not leave any behind ! I ended up having to conceal some of the evidence because Ali couldn 't finish her sandwich . We tried to be super quiet because the couple who owned the place were in the next room . But it was the cheapest we could get and we only needed it until 5 AM . I was so tired that sleeping on a mattress on the floor didn 't phase me . They told us that we were the best guests they have ever had . We were honestly just really tired , so we didn 't have much energy to be rowdy even if we had wanted to be . Waking up in the morning was once more terrible , but our host was super understanding about the time we had to leave and locked up behind us . We got on our bus at 5 : 45 and made it to the airport by about 8 : 30 . This was again the tiny international airport . They only had three flights going out that morning - two of which were to Oslo , Norway and then there was ours to London . Jelly and I got to sit together on this flight , which isn 't usual ! Also , I was able to see Norway from the sky since I had a window seat ( my favourite ! ! ) . We arrived to Stansted around 11 : 30 am and had to go through passport control , which took forever ! Afterwards , we camped out at Starbucks in the airport once we checked back in and went through security again . We once more had two Starbucks a piece . Like I said last blog , that may seem excessive , but it was necessary . Jelly and Ali needed to study for their exams the next day . I journaled about all of this ! Our flight finally left at about 10 : 20 pm . After arriving back in Dublin , going through passport check , and taking the aircoach home , it was 1 AM . We were wiped out and ready to sleep ! Back to England ! The week James left was a rough one . I was trying to catch up on sleep , while also finishing a huge project and getting ready to leave for our next European adventure . On Tuesday I went into Dublin to try and get work done on my project . While in the coffee shop , I got the news that my grandpa had died . I held it together for the most part while I was in town … It helped knowing that he was ready to go , and that he was now free from the disabilities and pain he has suffered since his stroke nearly 21 years ago . The hardest part for me was feeling helpless because I was an ocean away from everything and everyone . This isn 't something they mentally prepare you for when going abroad . Nevertheless , I am thankful to have been able to call him my Pappy . My grandpa has been an incredible influence in my life and many others I am sure . He showed love to everyone , whether that was with a huge smile on his face , a verbal " Me love you , " or a kiss on the cheek of a stranger . Despite the stroke , seizures , cancer , and more , he continued to stand firm in his faith and sang " Jesus , Jesus , Jesus " until his last day . My dad was a marathon runner until his stroke 21 years ago . He persevered and never cared that there was only one man he could beat and always came in next to last . The good news is : My dad won his first race today . He received his crown of righteousness and went to be with Jesus . " Rather than getting bogged down by sadness , I have tried focusing on thankfulness instead . Thankful that I had a grandpa who tried his hardest to be a part of my life , despite the disabilities . Thankful that I had a grandpa who cried into my shirt last Thanksgiving because he was so happy to see me . Thankful for all the popsicles from the " ice box . " Thankful for all the laughter he brought through the years . Thankful that I was his " Little Man . " I didn 't get everything done I needed to get done - laundry , project , planning for the trip I was about to leave for … I was a mess . But , I threw clothes in a bag and left Thursday morning for England . The next week was revision week for UCD . Revision week is an actually dead " dead week . " No classes . We were told by other students to just use this time to travel . Since I only had two finals , one this past week and one next week , I didn 't have any problem taking this advice 🙂 It was also a much needed distraction from everything that week . We arrived in London on Thursday morning , and navigated to Hoxton , where our lovely hostess Angela was waiting for us . Looking into accommodations for London , I was a bit taken back by the prices . Since we love our community at Dublin Vineyard Church , I figured it was worth a shot to look up Vineyards in London for help . Angela answered my desperation plea , and was kind enough to take in three college girls . Angela 's Vineyard is missional based . One of her avenues of service is the Ivy Street Family Centre , which works to foster a warm and inviting atmosphere for children and caretakers in the community . She let us use the Family Centre as our base , and as a result were able to not only save money , but also meet lovely people . Angela was super , super sweet and we absolutely loved her . We admired her laughter , hospitality , and willingness to go above and beyond to make us feel at home . Angela showed us her flat and the Family Centre , which was adorable . The puffballs , banners , and children 's artwork definitely brought me back to my mom 's kindergarten class . After this , we set out to meet up with Greg , who was also in my blog about Saint Patrick 's day ! We decided to take the tube so that we didn 't lose daylight . After walking through Hyde Park and then grabbing a bite to eat , we covered a ton of ground . We saw the Marble Arch , Buckingham Palace , St . James 's Park , Big Ben , the Eye and more . Ali and Kelly 's feet were dying , and by the end of it they were hobbling around . It was pretty hilarious . I have been blessed with the ability to walk for long distances , and pretty quickly at that . We rested in a pub until we got kicked out . Like Dublin , they close pretty early at night . We took the tube back , but got a little lost coming out from underground . Unbeknownst to us , the stop we ended at had about 5 different exits onto the street and we happened to pick the wrong one . After walking a ways in the dark and cold we realized that nothing looked familiar and so we backtracked . Jelly found a 10 pound note just laying in the empty sidewalk , so it really was worth getting lost . The next morning , we had tea with Angela and were able to get showers at her flat . She also offered breakfast , but we had already told Greg we were coming to his place for breakfast . We appreciated the thought though ! Since showers took longer than anticipated , we ended up taking the tube again so that we could make it to Greg 's before noon . By the time we got there , he already had breakfast ready for us ! We did provide a watermelon . I stood gawking at the beauty of the watermelon , Ali decided we should buy it , and Jelly paid for it with the money she had found the night before . We have gotten pretty good at teamwork . After breakfast , we went back through Hyde Park and then through the Natural History Museum . The gemstone section and earthquake simulator were both highlights . They also had a complete stegosaurus right inside , and an escalator that appeared to go through the center of the Earth . The museum was very interactive and FREE ! Jelly was not a fan of the arthropod exhibit . Ali pretended to chase Jelly with a spider , and I was pretty sure that she was going to have a coronary occlusion . But , I am proud of Jelly for making it through the exhibit ! After the museum , we went to Harrods , a huge , expensive department store . It was strangely entertaining to look at the prices people are willing to pay for material goods . The only thing I bought there was food . We ate macaroons - I had a pistachio and a tea flavoured one . The pistachio was amazing and I could have had about 10 more . We then went into the actual food area , and it was fascinating to see all the different sections and types of food they had . I was tempted to get a creme brûlée donut with the hard caramel layer on top ( Lesson from previous blog : James wouldn 't have liked it ) . Instead , Jelly and I got a pistachio and creme donut to split . It was even better than the macaroon . Yes , I did get real food too . I had the meat filled pastry known as a Cornish Pasty . Traditionally they were food for miners , but they taste just as good being food for Mallory . We went outside to eat , in part because we were paupers compared to some of the other people in that shop … . or we at least acknowledged that we don 't have the finances to afford stuff in Harrods . We ate our food on the only porch steps on that block that didn 't say " No Sitting . " Pretty sure there was intended to be a sign , but we got to sit there due to the technicality that there wasn 't actually a sign . After going back into Harrods to use their bathrooms and look at the ridiculous prices in their alcohol section , we went back to see everything we had seen the night before only in daylight this time . The guards were out at Buckingham ! Apparently you can tell whether the Queen is in by looking at the flag , and she was never in when we passed by . At St . James 's we saw the ugly duckling and squirrels ! There was a lady feeding and talking to the squirrels , which was pretty cute . Ali wanted to go into the art museum to see Van Gogh 's " Wheat Field " painting . It was free , so we went inside . We lost Ali because she ran off and the building was huge ! We were able to locate the painting , but Ali was nowhere to be found . There was a guy who did a really amazing quick sketch of the painting in his notebook as we were standing there waiting . Finally , Ali found her way back to us and we made our way out of the museum . Greg , being the gentleman that he is , made us a couscous dinner that night 🙂 The next day , we spent a good deal of time in Hoxton . I still had a lot of work to do on my penguin project . We decided later that evening to try and go back into London to watch Wicked . We took the bus this time and hit rush hour . The bus was so packed that no one could move and people would miss their stops because they couldn 't get around others and out of the bus ! ! We didn 't make it back into the city in time and didn 't have the appropriate clothing anyway , so instead we went and got Indian food . We feasted on nan and I had my favourite Indian dish of Chicken Tikka Masala . We then moved on to a coffee shop and ate ice - cream . Greg also introduced us to Turkish coffee . It has the grounds in it still and it 's very strong , but very delicious ! You aren 't supposed to clear the cup because of the layer of fine grounds on the bottom that looks like sludge . Greg had us take sips at the end and the grounds just coat your mouth in black . We have great pictures of Jelly , but I will spare them from social media . The next morning , we went to church with Angela . Her Vineyard is partnered with a local church for services on Sunday . This was the first time I have ever had wine during communion and also my first time with the common cup . No grape juice in baby plastic cups ! It was nice to even just be able to sit in a pew with Angela in a family atmosphere . Afterwards , they had coffee and a celebration cake for someone 's birthday . We headed back to Angela 's house after church and she made us a nice home - cooked meal for lunch … Chicken , rice , and vegetables THAT WERE WARM ! We also helped her daughter make tissue paper leis . For school , they had to pick a country for a project , and her group had picked the United States ironically enough . They were featuring Hawaii … that Indiana corn wasn 't appealing enough I guess . We had a blast having craft time and even learned a cool knot in the process . After lunch we headed back to meet up with Greg . We missed the marathon that was going on that day , but did see a bunch of people walking around with medals . I kept working on my project since I had to get it done that day before moving on to the next part of our trip . Ali went to church with Greg , and Kelly stayed back with me . Greg and Ali brought back gyros , and I will be forever grateful . We hung out a little bit and then headed back so we could try and get a little bit of sleep . We only got about an hour and a half of sleep since we were aiming to be at the bus stop around four for the coach . Our group is slow moving in the morning , so we have to allot ourselves enough time to get moving - we also had to get everything together , fold blankets , and lock up . At the airport , I woke up still so tired that I was slightly confused as to where I was . Going through security at Stansted , my entire bag was dumped out on the table for a more thorough search . There was really nothing in there besides clothes , so I am not sure what they thought they were going to catch me with . Fortunately after the entire airport saw my wardrobe for the week , the security lady packed my bag better than I had previously done 🙂 Once inside the airport , we still had plenty of time . We ate egg muffins and were major white girls , getting two Starbucks drinks a piece . Two might seem excessive , but it was necessary . I was even more white - girl because I video - chatted James in the airport . He had called to tell me about the super awesome day he just had ( it was still the previous day for him pretty much ) . On the plane , i got put in the emergency exit row again , so I had lots of leg room and an empty seat next to me . The flight was only about an hour , so I stayed up and journaled . Journaling is the reason why I can blog in at least some detail 🙂 James Takes on Europe If you have Facebook , you may have already seen the albums , but now you can read about a highlight of my time abroad : James came to visit me ! ! After my parents came , I had about two weeks to rest up and get ready for round two of hosting in Ireland . James made his first trans - Atlantic flight and arrived in Ireland on April 11th . I took Dublin bus in the morning to go pick him up from the airport , and had jitters the entire way there . It was really strange to see him in person and not behind a computer screen after such a long time ! We headed back to UCD , so that he could drop off all of his belongings and relax . However , we had to be careful because jet lag hit him hard . First , I walked him around campus . Then Ali and I pulled our mattresses into the kitchen to make the floor more comfortable for James 's favourite card game , Pounce . Jelly left to go to the " Bouncy Ball " for trampoline club , so then it was down to Ali and I to keep him awake . We made him eat food , watched a movie , and were able to successfully make it to around 9 or 10 when it was safe to let him sleep . Jet lag still didn 't treat him well even after he went to bed . At 2 in the morning , I found James awake in the kitchen . By 3 , I was asleep on Ali 's floor , but he apparently woke back up around 4 am went back to the kitchen where he talked with Kelly and Ali , who were still up . On Sunday morning , I had to literally drag James out of bed , and then we headed into town for church . Afterwards , we headed on to the farmer 's market in Dun Laoghaire . It was a little rainy out and there weren 't a ton of vendors . We still got lots of bread , lemon poppyseed muffins , a falafel wrap , and lamb kebab ! We walked over to the pier with our wraps and sat on giant rocks overlooking the water . The weather cleared up beautifully , and we ended up walking along the pier to the lighthouse and back . The rest of the day we spent relaxing back at my apartment because it got a little chilly , and James was still tired . Monday , I had class and a field trip , which occupied me until about 5pm . However , when I got back , James and I walked to " The Goat Bar " for some food . It was here that we first discovered that people in Ireland can 't understand James when speaks ( a trend that continued the rest of the week ) . As we were leaving , we saw a wallet laying out open in the middle of the intersection . James ran out and picked it up to see if we could find identification . It turned out that belonged to an elderly lady living in Dundrum . I knew that it wasn 't much more than a 25 minute walk to Dundrum , so I plugged her address into my phone and we set off to return it . We had difficulty finding her exact house . We finally knocked on a door and was told by a lady that the woman we were looking for was just next door . We knocked on the right lady 's door a few times before we finally got her to open the door . We returned the wallet and she said , " Here I thought you were coming here to steal from me ! " She offered to give us a reward , but we declined and headed back to UCD . We treated ourselves to ice - cream , and then tried to get to bed at a decent time since we had to be up at 4 the next morning . Getting up was a struggle , but James and I headed back to the airport to hop on a flight to Barcelona . James has a goal of visiting every Spanish speaking country , so I agreed to help him knock this one off his list . When we got to the airport everything was a blur because it was way too early in the morning , and my eyes did not want to stay open . I was able to get some sleep on the short plane ride , and woke up in time to see the beautiful mountains and water as we were flying into Barcelona . When we got off , James and I could not find each other because I was way in the front of the plane and he was way in the back . After passport check , I tried waiting for him , but somehow we missed each other . After watching the last person get through passport check for what I later found out was two flights worth of people , I left the arrivals . I think it was about 45 minutes of looking around and trying to message James , who hadn 't been able to figure out the wifi airport , before we finally saw each other . I am pretty sure James was more worried than I was . He told me he just kept thinking about how I didn 't know Spanish , but I have enough travel experience that I am sure I would 've survived 😉 I drank some coffee and somewhat woke up as we waited for our shuttle into the city . We were dropped off on Las Rambla , where we strolled down and back . We made sure to watch our belongings closely , because pickpockets are notoriously everywhere . Las Rambla was beautiful , with huge trees lining both sides of the sidewalk , street vendors , and performers . We spent a little bit of time watching the statue people , who had painted themselves all over . They were supposed to do something when given money , but one of them just sat completely still as a group of frustrated guys tried everything to get him to move . I don 't know how he never busted out laughing . We walked through the narrow alleys and then were going to try and find the Gothic Quarter , when we got hungry . While we stopped to take pictures , I overheard a private tour guide say something about food to an old couple from the U . S . that he was with . So , I told James we were going to follow them since he would know where to eat better than us . They unknowingly led us to a place that I quite enjoyed . This is where I learned that James is a pickier eater than I am … I just really like food , weird or otherwise . I had a sample platter and James was able to get seafood paella like he wanted . The problem was that he didn 't much appreciate the complete shrimp and oysters they put in the dish . I found the shrimp with it 's antennae quite entertaining - I ended up being the one to peel it for him to eat . In James 's defense , the oysters were gross looking , but I am glad I got to try them ! His meal also came with creme brûlée , which I was happy about because it meant I got to eat some ! I was appalled to learn that James does not like the caramelized top layer . Not okay , but I still like him 🙂 Afterwards , we set off for our next stop . James perked up at this point because he was super excited to be seeing La Casa Mila . We started with audio tour guides , but quickly gave up and wandered along without them . We found our way to the roof , where we spent some time exploring . There were pretty good views of the city and lots of towers , stairs , bridges , and nooks to roam around . At one point , I crawled in a cubbyhole , and when I came out , I scared two poor women walking up the steps next to it . The rest of the house was fun to explore and was much different than any other building I have seen . James had planned to have us sit in a cafe next , because even though he hates coffee , he continues to support my addiction . We found our way to a cute place , which had donuts shaped like little men and women ! James used his Spanish skills for ordering , and I was pretty impressed ! After hanging out and cooling down from the warmth outside , we decided to navigate ourselves to La Sagrada Familia . We walked , talked , and even took time to sit on a park bench for a while , and we still made it there ahead of schedule . Until we could go into the building , we sat in the park near - bye and ate popsicles . The outside of the church , is still under construction , even though it was started in 1882 . Elaborate design and lack of funding don 't make for a good combination apparently . Walking inside , you are immediately struck by all of the colors from the stained glass reflecting off everywhere . The ceilings were incredible as well . We went up the tower during our time slot , and were able to see out over more of the city . We walked around another park and then decided to start finding our way to the airport . Figuring out the taxis was a disaster , because we hadn 't seen anyone else hail one in order to know the proper procedure . As we were walking , there was a taxi pulled off to the side and the driver was talking to a woman standing just outside her car . I told James that it looked like they were saying goodbye and we should wait to catch him because that would be our best shot . He wouldn 't listen to me , and as we continued walking , the taxi I had pointed out passed us . At this point it was going too fast and was on the opposite side of the road , so we couldn 't get to it . I convinced James to go into a hardware store to ask for help . The guy told us we were crazy for getting a taxi because buses are cheaper . He gave us bus directions , which I realized would take us too long , and after convincing I was able to get James back on the taxi idea . By some sort of miracle , James hailed a taxi . We made it to the airport and the price was exactly what I had told James that it was going to be when we were planning for Barcelona . It really wasn 't expensive at all ( definitely cheaper than a Dublin taxi ) ! As we were heading back to the airport I said , " So what lesson have we learned today ? " to which James responded , " Listen to Mallory . " We flew home , and by the time we landed were exhausted . Then we hit passport control … . I have an Irish immigration office card , so I was fine , but they questioned James a ton . They even went so far as to find a charger for his phone so he could pull up the flight itinerary saying he was leaving the next Sunday . After a long time , they gave up and let him go with a valid visitor stamp that said he had to leave by Monday . The next day , we slept in a little before I started studying for an exam I had that night . After my exam at 6 pm , I went back to the apartment and got James motivated to get up and moving so we could go into Dublin and eat . We ended up at Jo Burger , where James discovered his love of Irish beef . The next day we went into the city again and started with Little Ass , my favourite restaurant in Dublin . We took our burritos and ate them on the lawn at St . Stephen 's Green because it was a beautiful day ! After eating I took him to the Chester Beatty Library , Temple Bar Area , over the Ha ' penny bridge , and onto O ' Connell street . We walked on to the Garden of Remembrance where we sat and relaxed for a while . Then , I made sure we hit the donut shop on the way back 🙂 We took our donuts and sat in the lawn area at Trinity College before heading home . That night , after my Skype interview for a job , we ordered pizza and then decided to end our day with a movie . The next morning we had to get up early and head into Dublin with Ali and Kelly . There , we boarded the Paddywagon for a Cliffs of Moher tour . When they let us off at the baby cliffs , we headed straight for the edge . James decided to run over to a far away corner . As I was yelling at him to be careful , he yelled back , " Natural Selection ! " Eventually , I too found my way over to where he was . When we got back on the bus , the tour guide stopped at us and said , " You two are crazy , just thought you should know . " When we made it to the actual cliffs , I wouldn 't say we were any more careful . The heights were insane and the fact that they didn 't gate it off was even crazier . I really enjoyed hanging my feet over the edge . Ali , Jelly , and I , made a Jelly Sandwich by squishing Kelly in between us as we laid next to the edge , soaking up the sun . James and I made it back to the bus area early enough to stop in for ice - cream . He got Bailey 's and Schnapps flavour , which was fantastic ! The bus driver referred to James as spiderman multiple times over the intercom . When we finally got back into Dublin , we stopped by for more donuts , and then tried going to the Brazenhead pub so that James could have a pub experience . However , they were too busy , so we settled for a pub next door . It was here that James was able to try the Irish specialty : Guinness . He doesn 't like beer , but handled it better than my family and I did ! The next day , I took him by train to Howth . When we got there , we ate fish and calamari next to the water . As we were sitting there , the wind was blowing my hair around so much that I could hardly see . However , I did look over just in time to notice a sea lion staring right at me ! It was huge and had to have been no more than 10 feet away ! ! I got so excited and pointed at it trying to get James to look . As he turned , the sea lion huffed and flopped sideways in the water . After finishing up our lunch , we walked over to Howth market and along the way saw a lady doing water color paintings by the water . We bought little Vanilla cupcake bowls and ate them outside , and then walked down and back along the pier . We eventually made our way up to the cliffs overlooking the water , where we hiked along the trails and admired the yellow flowers everywhere . The next morning , I had to take James back to the airport . It was really hard and really sad because I had a fantastic week . It 's back to video chat until I go home in a few weeks and we are next door neighbors for the summer . |
Today was another tough day for Jason . They have him on so many different meds that he just doesn 't feel well , and he looses his appetite . I kind of push him to eat some food , so that he doesn 't take the meds on an empty stomach , and he does eat some , but I know it isn 't near enough . We 'll be meeting with the doctors again in the morning , and at that time I 'll be getting more information , and learning as much as I can about what I should be doing . Speaking of that , there was a dressing change today , and it was with the new Medihoney ( sp ? ) product . I watched how they applied it , and it looked rather easy , so I am guessing that , that will be what we will be using once he does get back home . On the good side , all of his wounds did look better , and it seems they are feeling better , from how Jason is reacting . No visitors today , other than the medical staff , and I think that was a good thing . He was just wanting to rest most of the day . This morning he did start out with OT , and Lynn . She came by to do some exercises with him , and did get through some stuff , then as the afternoon came he began to feel a little more uneasy , as I described above . I just spent most of the rest of the day with him , with a short trip back to the house , right after he had his lunch . I made sure the trapeze bars were installed , and in the correct locations , and that the house was locked up . Other than that not much else to write about right now . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . I know it seems kind of down right now , but I have the feeling things are going to start getting better , and that that is going to be tomorrow morning . Today was definitely a better day than yesterday . Jason still had some problems with his stomach and there were a couple of moments where he felt a little out of sorts , and almost like he had the flu or something . Only he didn 't have a fever , and all his vital signs looked normal or better . At one point his blood pressure did seem to drop a little , but that was only for a short while , and within a couple of hours he was feeling much better . By the end of the day , when I had to head back to the house , he was actually feeling pretty good , and eating a very nice dinner . They are talking about him leaving the hospital tomorrow , and then he can get back home and back on track to his recovery and rehab . There a few things that he wants to get done , since he has been in the hospital for so many days here , that he is thinking about taking a few days of leave . This way he can get his personal business out of the way , and then he can focus entirely on rehab , and not have to push to get all the things done while also having to make it to appointments . Besides , he has so much leave built up now that he just wants to use some of it up , so it can get off the books . We 'll talk more about that tomorrow . Well , the trapezes finally got here , and I 've already spoken to the facilities folks here at this community , and they will be getting them installed tomorrow morning . The other positive in the Hoyer Lift arrived today ( above I mentioned that I had to get back to the house - it was because the delivery guy came at 18 : 30 this evening to deliver it - working late I guess ) so that will make it a little easier to more about the house . I just hope he likes it . One other thing is that I put the seat from his manual chair on to his power chair , to see if that works for him . The molded seat doesn 't do a very good job right now , so I hope this works better . The general came by to visit with Jason today , and that helped to bring his spirits up . They talked for a while and then he had to get going , as there were a couple of other guys he wanted to talk to . He said it might be a year before he gets back since he was headed over to Afghanistan again . I know Jason will miss him , but he also knows that going to Afghanistan is where the general 's skills are needed . Not much else going on today , though I think it was busy enough for the both of us . I will be headed back over there in the morning in hopes of us leaving by late morning or early afternoon . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers , and I ask you to continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we get through all this . Today was a restful day for both Jason and I , and I actually began the morning with a visit to the gym . It was just a short visit , as I don 't want to do to much to quickly , I just want to start going more regularly . Jason had some difficulties with his medications , earlier today , but by early afternoon it seemed he was doing much better . I think they were thinking of discharging him today , but I asked them to consider keeping him there one more day , and that also gives me one more day to get the over head trapeze installed . One solid positive is that we now have cable activated at the house . The cable guy , no , not Larry , came by this morning and in a matter of a couple of hours he was done . Jason will be able to watch some T . V . from his own bed now , and at the same time I can watch something else in the front room - if I want to . Not sure that I 'll be watching much TV anyway , but at least the option is there now . I do believe Jason will be coming home tomorrow , and he already has a list of things he would like to get done , so I will have my work cut out for me , keeping him resting . I think that perhaps his anxiousness to do too much is why he ended back in the hospital this time . Anyway , please keep your prayers and support coming our way . Jason 's fever went up again today , and in general he is feeling like he has the flu or something . His attitude is still quite positive , and still demonstrating that sense of humor he is known for , though he has been sleeping quite a bit , fortunately . I have been over to see him for the better part of the day and have spoken with the medical staff , and they think they have the infections under control , since most have almost completely gone , and all new cultures are coming up negative . I suspect that he will be back home in a matter of two days , and possibly sooner . When I first got out this morning I headed over to the tire repair shop where they found that there were two nails in the flat tire , with one of those being in the side wall , and therefore unrepairable . That meant I had to purchase a new tire , a Michelin , since the others were all Michelin . The good news is that Semper Fi Fund is reimbursing me , along with all the other things I have needed to purchase . While at the hospital , Van came by to take a look at the seat , and to give Jason another seat . Unfortunately the seat he provided was identical to the original seat that Jason had from Bethesda , and that one didn 't work out . We are going to have to continue working with them , and do what we can to find a solution to this conundrum . Also , while at the hospital , I saw that they were needing to get blood drawn for tests , and Jason HATES getting blood drawn . His veins don 't cooperate , and it is a painful experience for him . Another reason for him to want to get out of the hospital , just as soon as he can . Please keep him in your prayers , and also the medical teams , as they continue to try to make his life a little easier . Today is probably one of the saddest days we 'll have this year , and comes at on a week that has had more than it 's share of bad news . This morning started out very close to the way yesterday started , only I spent just a little more time with Boomer in the backyard , than I had previously . We had a good time chasing around and going after a soft ball . It just seemed like it was going to be a good day . I went to see Jason and told him that David ( his brother ) had asked to take Boomer for a while , while Jason continued to get stronger , and Jason liked that idea . I stayed with Jason for a couple of hours and then wanted to get back to the house to finish up some laundry and to let Boomer know he wasn 't forgotten . Only , when I got home I found that something had happened and Boomer was lying in the corner and not moving . I went over to see what he was doing and discovered he had died . I don 't know when he died , or how ( the vet suspects he choked on something ) , only that he was cold and had been dead for a while . To say that it hit me hard is an understatement . I immediately called Jason , and he took it pretty well , though I could tell he was saddened by the tone change in his voice . I then called David to let him know that Boomer wasn 't coming , and why . I made a few other phone calls and then took him over to the vet , as he was going to take care of the remains . This week has been a particularly rough week for us , and I don 't fully understand why things like this are happening . Jason 's day , otherwise was pretty good , in the hospital , though they still don 't have a solid game plan for how they are going to take care of his wounds . They are trying something new , and have a couple more ideas for what they can do to help his healing . At the bottom of that list is the idea of more skin grafts , and honestly I don 't like that idea , and Jason down right hates that idea . The author and retired FBI agent , Bob Hammer came by , and brought a copy of another book he wrote . It was a very good visit and while we were talking we found out that we actually know some people that he knows . If the opportunity comes up we are going to be taking a ride up to Los Angeles together , but that 's down the road a bit ( pun intended ) . Tonight Jason and I were able to get NetFlix working on the in - room television and watched Stranger Than Fiction . I was pleased with the movie , as I generally don 't like Will Farrell characters , this one seemed more like a real person . After the movie , I said good night to Jason , and wanted to get back over to the house , as I still have laundry to get done , and I knew I 'd have some difficulties getting this blog started . A few folks had asked to see a picture of Boomer , so I finally had one to put up . Unfortunately , it will be the last one I put up as well . Please , if you could ask God to help us understand what is going on , and why we are going through this , it would be appreciated . Thank you , all for your continued support and prayers . Today was a strange day for me . I had gotten totally used to having Jason here with me and now I 'm driving in to visit with him at the hospital again . I have to get the house in order , before I leave in the morning ( not much of a chore right now ) , and also get the dog taken care of , food and water , that sort of thing ( somewhat of a bigger chore ) . Then I head on over to the hospital . Today I went over and saw Jason , in his room , and I happened to get there right after another of his pain episodes . Fortunately the medical team was right there and they were able to get it under control pretty quickly . Then after talking with Jason , he told me that last night they weren 't quite so quick in getting it back under control . I know there are some new people watching over him on the floor , due to turn over and such , but I do wish they 'd listen to him when he starts telling them what he needs . He is having to reeducate them , and thus making it a little more drawn out , when it comes to them learning what his tolerance levels are . They must have figured it out because he was feeling better when I arrived . He had some visitors today , eight Sergeant Majors came in to visit him . It actually happened in two groups , but they both stayed and spoke with Jason , and he very much appreciated it . As it turned out , one of them was a former member of 2nd EOD Company , out of Camp Lejeune , though it was a couple of years before Jason got there . They still knew some common folks so they tended to talk a little more . The funny part was that I even knew one of the guys he mentioned . There are going to be other visitors over the next few days , so again he will be able to talk to some different people . One of the things that is happening , or perhaps already happened , is the specialty bed . When Jason was brought in he was placed on a regular hospital bed , and he was relatively comfortable ( I guess after laying on an ER " bed " for several hours almost any bed feels much better ) . The Wound Care people came in and said they wanted him on a specialty Tomorrow will be another day of running back and forth between the house and the hospital , as I don 't want to leave the dog alone too long . I have some names of groups where we can place the dog for training , and even for adoption if that is what we have to do . Jason isn 't too happy about this , but I think he realizes that it needs to be done . Thank you , all for your continued prayers and support . I 'm kind of tired right now , and I think I 'm going to be going to bed in a short while . I 'm sure there are a number of you out there wanting to know what is going on with Jason . Well , in a nut shell , he is again an in - patient and again a no - contact patient . He is dealing with another infection , though this time it is no where near the scope that he had to deal with in the past . He has a bladder infection , as well as another abdominal inflammation and all of this causes a great deal of pain and discomfort for him . We figure that Jason will be in the hospital for a couple of days and then be able to come back home , though we have to wait and see what happens . As a little side note , he is in the room that is right next to the room he had previously . The sequence of events went something like this . . . He went to the ER for the first visit and after several hours they sent him home , and he was comfortable for a few hours . Late this morning I again had to get him transported to the ER , for pretty much the same issue as before . This time , though , Jason was seen by a couple of different doctors and again the first point of attention was to get his pain under control . All seemed like it was working , and despite what Jason and I had said about how his pain , or how it was described , they felt Jason could go back home again . I had to head over to the pharmacy , to pick up yet another prescription ; and , while I was gone he had one of the episodes of pain , and it was a significant one . Jason was still hooked up to the monitors , where they were tracking heart and respiration , and when the episode hit the monitors also showed wickedly high levels of activity and this finally convinced the medical staff that he needed to be monitored a little more closely . He was sent up to the 5 - West area , where he had been previously . The people there were both surprised and happy to see Jason , but at the same time concerned for his discomfort . I 'm sure that as more find him there again they will also be impacted the same . I am going to be spending my time with Boomer , and doing some clean up around the house . We were supposed to get cable installed today , and missed that appointment , so I need to reschedule . There was also an appointment with Mobility Solutions , as they were going to be working on his chair . Again , I will need to reschedule , as this too , is an important item on the list of things we need to get done . As for other aspects of his treatment , I was able to speak with the doctor for a little while today , and he is concerned about the rate of progress on the wounds . He said they were going to be working to re - do some of his schedule so that Jason isn 't up on his wounds so much , and they can alleviate some of the pressure that is caused by him being up so much . I think this is a good idea , though I don 't know how well Jason is going to like it . He has gotten so used to being able to more around , and go where he wants that he will now have to pull that in a bit . Just stay tuned for how this all plays out , I 'm sure it will be interesting . Well , today was an interesting day . The good news is that there is some effort to do reduction in his medications . The bad news is that there is some effort to do reduction in his medications . Jason has been on some of the pain meds for so long there is a bit of a concern that there may be some withdrawal affect , as they reduce the medication . On the other side though , is that there is concern that he might do some damage to his kidneys and liver if he continues to take the medication at the current levels . It is one of those things that you have to trust the medical team , and hope that they know what they are doing . Of course I also have to keep my eyes on Jason and watch for any changes . Well , just as I am typing this he started to have some issues . Things strong enough that I am going to be taking him to the emergency room . Not because its an emergency , just because there is no other place to go , to find out what is going on . I 'll try to post more a little later tonight . Today was one of those days where there really wasn 't a great deal going on , so much as time consuming events . The first appointment was with Physical Medicine , and going to see Dr . Pyo ( I think I spelled it incorrectly the last time ) . Well , being that this was the first time going to see him , rather than him coming to see Jason , we needed to find out where he is , or more specifically , where his office is . Well , first off we looked for Physical Medicine - It was located on the 4th floor of the C5 building . He wasn 't there , and in fact the receptionist we spoke with didn 't even know who he was . Of course she worked in urology so that is an entirely different area . We went down to the 2nd level , and there was actually another Physical Medicine area there as well , but again , he wasn 't there . Okay , now we were beginning to wonder what was going on . We figured we 'd go back up to the 4th and do a little more looking and perhaps we just missed a sign or something . Just as we were getting to the elevators when a couple of wonderful nurses who know us , run into us . They asked how we were doing and other greeting type conversation and then I say , " we 're looking for Physical Medicine . " Their response is , " Are you looking for Dr . Pyo ? " and since we were we thought , " great , somebody knows where we need to go . " They took us down to the 1st floor and right to his office . Apparently there was a recent change and not all areas had been updated on where he was now . Okay , so now we 're in his office and we get ready to go over the wounds and some progress and some other things with Dr . Pyo and figure we 'll be out in a relatively short time . The appointment was set for only 30 minutes , so we don 't expect to be staying very long . WRONG ! By the time we were done we had been there for nearly two hours , and as you might imagine , Jason was ready to leave . . . me too . We did pick up a few more supplies , and while Jason was with the good doctor I took care of a few other little things that I wanted to do . All - in - all the time was used , we just didn 't know it was going to take that long . The only other thing that Jason had going was a meeting ( or muster ) with the Marines in building 12 , later that afternoon . It was an informative meeting , and they gave out a few things to the attendees , so I think Jason was glad he went , I know I was . One of the things they got was a medication dispenser system , and I think that will help in keeping track of Jason 's meds . Along with an interesting and busy day at the hospital , Uncle Larry came down to visit . It was good seeing him , and he and Jason had a chance to talk about all the different things going on . He arrived early enough that we were able to go have lunch , so we did . We also spent some time with Boomer , and did a little work on his training , as well as building up his comfort level with these " new " surroundings . It was kind of funny when Boomer first met Uncle Larry . I don 't recall why , but Larry said something in Spanish and Boomer immediately began to bark at him . Both Jason and I were kind of surprised , and I think Uncle Larry might have been as well . We calmed Boomer back down and basically just kicked back for the rest of his visit . He stayed until early evening and then headed off to go see Katie , his daughter and Jake ( her husband ) and their family . The rest of the day was simply resting and now me doing the blog . Oh , one last update . . . Jason hasn 't had any more phantom pain since that one spike that hit yesterday . The doctor wasn 't too concerned with it , as long as it doesn 't happen frequently , so we 're looking at it as a " one - off " occurrence . Okay , I may have to wait until Wednesday to be able to upload some pictures of the newest member of the household , Boomer . The wifi here is great , and free , with one small challenge associated with it . It is slower that the economic recovery , and has very little bandwidth to accommodate picture transfers . I guess I just got lucky the other day when I posted the other pictures , though even then it did take quite a long while to get those pictures loaded . Be of good cheer , and know that pictures are on their way , and you will get a chance to see Boomer . Today was a good day for Jason , that is until towards the end of the day . He started to get some phantom pain on his left side . He hadn 't had any phantom pain for several months now , and suddenly his " left foot " was hurting , significantly . Now they did tell us that occasionally that type of reaction should be expected , so we 're not too worried about it , at least not yet . He will be going in to see his primary doctor tomorrow , though it won 't be Dr . Malone ( she back at Bethesda ) . It will be Dr . Piyo and he seems pretty competent , so generally we still pretty happy about the medical support . Actually , that is the only appointment we have for Jason 's medical stuff , so we can get back home and continue with other clean up stuff , and putting away things . Right now I have a bunch of cardboard to cut up and recycle , and that will make some room in the garage . I thought about just giving the boxes away , but some of them are damaged , and others are just worn down , so its time for recycle . We had pizza tonight , and I think I 've found a pizzeria that we will be going back to . Funny thing is that it has the same name as an East Bay City - Berkeley 's Pizza . I don 't know if there is any connection , but the pizza was good . Too bad about the 49ers . I was hoping to see them in the Super Bowl again . I guess , if you consider how the team started out this year , with a new coach and all their recent history , you 'd have to say they did better than expected . Oh well , there 's next year . . . ; - ) Well , today was a pretty good day for Jason . He had talked about wanting to get moving on a service dog , and would be wanting to start looking at dogs today . He not only looked at dogs , he picked and bought one . Well , technically I guess it wasn 't a purchase , more of an adoption as they like to call it . Anyway , Boomer ( that 's his name ) is a 9 - week old puppy , and appears to be everything you would expect in a puppy German Shepard mix . He is fully of energy and yet sleeps a lot ; everything is new to him and therefore exciting ; finding the right food is not difficult , he tries to eat everything . Okay , on that last point , we did purchase the recommended puppy chow for him , and Boomer seems to like it . I took a few pictures of the two of them together , and I will be posting them tomorrow , as I promised Linda that I would show them to her first . Speaking of Linda , she seems to have caught a cold or something and doesn 't feel very good right now . She spent a good portion of the day in bed - but I digress . The next step is to coordinate a training program for Boomer , and that will probably be starting in the next few months or so . I believe they would like to begin working with the dogs when they are about 6 - months . Jason spent a couple of hours in his new power chair , and he did alright . There are some things that need to be adjusted , and I hope those adjustments don 't take too long as I think Jason is beginning to warm to the idea of the power chair . He still says he would rather have his other chair , so we 'll continue to push to get that one done as soon as it can be . Otherwise , today was spent just relaxing around the house and continuing with the emptying of boxes and doing laundry . Jason seems to be doing well , and tomorrow he said he wants to do a shower and dressing change , since he has an early doctor appointment on Monday . If Jason gets up , around 07 : 00 and takes a shower and dressing change , he wouldn 't be able to get to an appointment before 09 : 00 , and that is without much breakfast . By not having to do a dressing change ( or shower ) he will be able to get to the early appointment . So , anyway , that is all for today , and I hope you all have a great weekend . And don 't forget . . . Go Niners ! Today was an amazingly good day for Jason ( and me ) . We started out with only one appointment , with OT ( that 's Lynn ) , and it was actually going to be at the house , as opposed to the C5 building where it is normally done . Lynn wanted to come out to the house and evaluate it for Jason 's needs . Before that , though , Jason and I went to the store to purchase groceries , and then he decided that he wanted to go to a pet store . We pulled in to the shopping center , where the grocery store is located , and to our right was a big pet store . So , of course we went inside there first . Jason had a great time , and I think it was the first time he has been around animals and " pets " since he went off , in August , last year . You should have seen the brightness in his face and expressions . He was in his element again , around animals . As it turned out there is going to be an adoption clinic tomorrow , and he wants to go take a look . Who knows , maybe we will find a dog he can train as his service dog - okay , maybe a long shot but we 're going anyway . We 've decided to start doing a few things to make him feel as much back to regular as we can . We even drove over to Coronado and just looked around for a little while , and that in itself was fun . Anyway , back to the grocery shopping . We went in and toured the entire store , going up and down each of the isles . By the time we were finished , Jason was pretty worn out . I kept asking him if he wanted to stop , but he wanted to finish looking at all the things in the store . We didn 't buy that much , but we did get what we needed and the important thing is that we had a good time . After the shopping trip we came back home and Jason got into his recliner and took a short nap . I finished putting away the groceries and then I kicked back too . It gave me a chance to do a little reading , and also take a look at my email , something I don 't normally do until later in the day . It was just a nice easy going relaxing day . This is when Lynn came over and Jason got back into his wheelchair , and then walked the house with Lynn . I was very impressed as she checked everything and each room , to make sure it would accommodate Jason , and he would be able to do whatever he needs to do . For example , it is important that he have front loader wash machines ( and we do ) ; and , that the shower is set up correctly for him . Her visit took over an hour , and she took several notes , and said she would be working on getting some things improved . I was happy and so was Jason . We had hamburgers for dinner , and they were good . I know this may sound a little strange , but he and I both like green peas , so the two of us finished off a can of those too . We talked for awhile , and then called it a day . Tomorrow , along with going back to the pet store , we are planning on going to a movie . It will be the first one he has gone to , so I hope it all works . If we do go , I might not be able to get to tomorrow 's blog post until later , so don 't wait up and catch it in the morning . Today did not turn out as we had planned . We both got up kind of early , as we normally do , and ate a quick breakfast . We decided on a quick breakfast because of an early appointment . I was concerned about commute traffic , so I wanted to leave with a little more time than I would normally , because I didn 't want to be late . As it turned out , the traffic was all in the opposite direction , and as a result we arrived on the early side , though parking wasn 't any easier . Towards the end of his first appointment Jason started to complain of discomfort and finally it was decided to go see another doctor . It was good that we did as he found out that he has developed a bit of a bladder infection . The urology department ran through some tests and has provided him with some medications to deal with it . The challenge with this was that it took a few hours to get through everything , and we still had the other appointment to attend to . We also had to go to the pharmacy and pick up some new meds , and it ended up by taking most of the day to get back to the house . Jason is much more comfortable now , and resting in his bed . I have to admit , it was a little scary for me at first , then when we knew what was going on , I was just more concerned about being able to get through the day . Jason had gotten up in his chair early in the morning , and had stayed in his chair for most of the day . The couple of breaks that he did have really helped out with that , but he was still up in his chair for a long period of time . On the positive side , we did go see the wound care people and they were very please with the progress and said that Jason was doing a great job . One of the things that happened today , that was a bit of a treat for Jason was that Dr . Malone called and talked with Jason for a while . I get to communicate with Dr . Malone every once in a while , and I provide some updates on how he is doing , but it is so much better for her to get the updates straight from Jason . Jason has said more than once , that if it ever came to a point where there was a need for additional surgery he would ask to be flown back to Dr . Malone . Anyway , I thought we would be getting back to the house around 11 : 30 this morning , when in actuality , we got back home at about 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) . When we drove up we saw there was another little gift waiting for us ( Thank you , Karen and Rob ) . Jason and I brought it in , and started to relax a little . When I walk in to the house right now , the first thing that comes to mind is that I need to get some of this stuff put away and cleaned up . Jason has just about all his stuff from North Carolina now , so now we need to figure out where to put it . He needs to get a desk and a book case , then that will help with a big portion of the stuff . I need to then get rid of the boxes . The recycle bin is full of cardboard and paper , and tomorrow is pickup day , so I will then be able to fill it again , over the next couple of days . Thank you , for all you prayers and support . Also , please continue to pray for all those others who are also dealing with other challenges and areas of pain . We 'll probably have more days like this , though I hope they are few and far between . Folks , not sure what is going on , bur for the past 30 minutes I 've been attempting to get pictures attached and all that happens is a spinning dial . I will try again tomorrow , when I have a little more time . Right now I need to get this done and then get to bed . Jason only had one appointment today , and that was with PT . Actually the appointment was on a verbal request by the therapist to come in at 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) , and then they were going to do some strengthening things . As it turned out , when we got there Jason was starting to feel a little uncomfortable , and some of his dressings had shifted , as they will from time to time . Anyway , I fixed his dressings , and worked with Dawn , the therapist , to get some appointments set up for Jason , and then we went home . I also made a quick run over to the pharmacy , but that didn 't take long , so it didn 't have any impact on Jason 's overall schedule . We are still working with the facilities guys , and they are making some modifications to the house , so all is good . Also the trapezes have been ordered , and should be here by the end of next week . Once they are installed life will be much easier for Jason , getting in and out of bed , and in and out of the shower . Jason road in his new power chair today , as we went over and checked the mail this morning . Van suggested that his first time in the chair be about 20 minutes , and then each day after that extend that amount of time by another 20 minutes or so . Jason didn 't particularly like the new seat and thinks that it had some impact on why he was uncomfortable at PT today ( he got in the chair before going to PT this morning ) . He also said he may have selected the wrong shorts , as they were a bit more silky and kind of slipped and would slide a bit on the new seat . I will give him a different pair of shorts and see if that helps tomorrow . The rest of the day was spent trying to recover from the ride , or at least it seems that way . Otherwise , once we got back home Jason rested for a while and then got back up and we had dinner . He said he felt better , but still very sensitive to pressure and just generally uncomfortable . His spirits are up and still able to tell jokes and smile , so things are still on a positive . Today was the first day without the girls around , and it was noticeable . We had a couple of appointments at the hospital today , and also had the opportunity to take care of a couple of other things , like getting the girls set up with their well baby check up , with the pediatrician ( s ) ( not sure if they each get one , or they will be seeing the same doctor ) . It is rather amazing the amount of paper work that needs to be accomplished when doing anything with the military , but they do manage to keep track of things and people . OT was good today , though we were just a little late getting in today . We left the house with plenty of time to spare , I thought , then we ran into the road work that was going on . All of a sudden we were just stopped in traffic , and even some of the cars behind us ( about five cars back ) had to hit their breaks real hard , so that they didn 't run into anyone . Kind of scary when you think about it . Just sitting there , and no where to go ; so , if the guy behind you isn 't paying attention you get hit . Anyway , we were about 5 minutes late , and when we came in , the place was full , with other Marines mostly . It was okay , though , because Jason had an appointment and they saw him right away . Jason has an appointment with PT tomorrow , at 13 : 00 , and while that is going on , I will be making appointments for him for the month of February . I guess that 's the way it is done now . Jason needs to be all booked up for a month at a time , though there will still be days where he doesn 't have any appointments . I was able to put up one new picture , so far . I wanted to put up at least this one , as it was from a visit from a very special person . Dr . Malone 's sister , Diane came out to California , and since she was down in the San Diego area she came to visit with Jason and me . She also brought along Susan , her friend . They stayed for a nice visit , and we took a couple of pictures , so I put this one out . I have sent several to Linda ( the wife ) , to get her approval of the other pictures . As I get more time to work on it , I will find a way to get more pictures easily loaded for everyone to take a look at . Jason 's power chair came today , and the custom seat that was made just for him . He actually hasn 't sat in the chair yet , so we 'll be doing that tomorrow . He needs to gradually work his way up for tolerance of the new seat , but that shouldn 't take more than a few days to accomplish . If by this time next week he isn 't using the power chair more , then something went wrong . Well , that 's all the update for today . I 'm tired right now so I 'm going to be going to bed in a few minutes . Thank you , for all the continued support and all the prayers coming our way . I know many of you have been waiting to see some new pictures , and I promise I will have some posted tomorrow . A bit of a crazy day today , as we tried to get in a few last minutes things while Linda was still here . The girls are really going to be be missing grandma after today , heck , right after we took Linda to the airport Stacy started to ask where Grandma was and when was she coming back . She also said she wanted to go to Grandma 's house ( me too ) . We all went to Babies R Us today , to pick up a few things and the girls , all three of them , had a great time . Jason and I did our best just to keep up . I guess shopping is one of those things that women are better at than men . . . usually . After the shopping was done we needed to get back to the house so that the girls could take a nap and the rest of us could just lay down and relax a bit . Besides , Linda still had to do some packing , and we didn 't want to be panic packing just before leaving - that 's never any fun . On a real positive side , Martin Luther King Day isn 't a holiday for everybody because I received a call from Van , the wheelchair guy , and he told me that he would be coming over tomorrow afternoon , late , with Jason 's power chair and his new custom seat . The manual chair is still not ready , and apparently there are some not so easy engineering challenges associated with this chair . It all has to do with the special needs Jason has . Having the power chair is going to be good , because in the past Jason has really worked hard to keep the current chair moving at a " walking " pace , and the ride has not always been very comfortable . Now I 'm going to be the one trying to keep up with him . . . ; - ) It also means that he will be able to work harder at OT and PT , and not have to worry about having the strength to push the chair after the work out . Tomorrow we have a few appointments , and we should be able to get them out of the way comfortably . As things develop with the appointments I 'll let you know . Thank you , all , for all your continued support and prayers . We went and had some pictures taken of Jason and the girls , even got a couple of the girls with Grandma . Jackie was getting a little tired by the time we were done with the picture taking , so I didn 't get any time in front of the camera . Anyway , in a day or two we will have some very nice pictures of the girls and Jason , and as a celebration I 'll even put some out on the blog ( that I took , can 't use the studio 's pictures , they 're copyrighted ) . While at the studio , Jason and I took a small side trip and picked up some Cinnabon , cinnamon rolls . First ones we 've been able to get in several months , and they were good . It has been a blessing that Linda has been able to come down and stay with us for these few days , because without her we would not have done the photo shoot . Okay , we 're half way through this month and things are starting to look better . As long as the folks come through with what they told ( promised ? ) us last week , we 'll be in pretty good shape . We should be getting some updates on Jason 's chair ; updates to things around this house ; and , finally getting some of the organization of his on going treatments under control . Today was another good day with Jason and the family . We all went shopping , after a nice breakfast , and Jason picked up a couple of things he wanted in the house . One of the things he wanted was a trash can with a lid , that would open by just waving his hand over the lid . We found it at Bed Bath and Beyond . We spoke with the manager and he was able to give Jason a discount . The next thing we would like to do is work out a wireless method for turning off and on the lights in his bed room ; Once he 's in bed he is stuck with the lights on or off , unless he calls me to make adjustments . I don 't mind running back and forth , but he would feel a whole lot better if he could just do it on his own . I 'll be getting with the folks that manage the properties to see what we can do . Along with all that I think we are going to be starting to look into going to church again , as long as he is comfortable in his chair . I 've been holding off , for a few reasons , but I think he is about ready to get out again . We 've been invited to a few churches , so we have a place to start . In fact , one of those is literally right behind our house . Not much else going on today . We had a nice relaxing evening . After dinner I told the Stacy a couple of bed time stories ( without reading from a book ) and Linda read Little Red Riding Hood . Jason went to bed after Jackie , and then Stacy a short while after Jason . It has been the kind of day that I truly enjoy and I thank God for allowing me to enjoy this time with everyone here . Linda will be headed back home to Livermore tomorrow , so we 'll be operating without her again , until the next time she is able to come down for a few days . Jason had a pretty good day today , and with the out come of the 49er / Saints game ( he was a bit torn on who should win ) , one of his teams is still in the mix . It will be good to get cable hooked up so we can actually watch one of the games , but as with many things , it is a lower priority . Speaking of priorities , one of the issues that we have been discussing with the hospital is rest - bit care for me . With Linda being here right now it seems kind of silly to try to get something set up because she is providing some of the rest . We had not used it previously , and getting a test run in seemed like a good idea , so we made arrangements for that to happen . As a result , Linda and I took off for a few hours ( 6 ) this evening , to see just how good the care is supposed to be . They came in and we discussed what was to be done ; Jason set some ground rules for how he wanted to be helped ; and other tasks were given since most of the time is just sitting around . When we came back to the house , Jason seemed pretty satisfied with the help , and the tasks we assigned were all done . We will probably be using them in the future , when it is needed , a little later . Actually , I might want to set something up so that I can get into an exercise routine , and they can come on a very regular basis . A few more things need to be worked out , but that 's what I 'm shooting for . I promised to provide an update on George ( our son ) ; he came back from Kaiser last night with his Aunt Joyce , and spent the night at their place . The folks at Kaiser really still don 't know what happened with him , so they will be taking him back in about a week , for more tests , and attempt to narrow it down . The real good news out of all this is that the doctors felt comfortable with him going back to work , so he did today , after having breakfast and getting back to his house to get some clean clothes . I am glad it isn 't anymore serious than that as I don 't know exactly how I would be attempting to handle it . It would have to fall mostly on Linda , since she is the one who is home . Tomorrow is going to be another mostly relaxing day . We 'll probably get some shopping in as both Jason and Mom want to get some containers , and will be doing some organizing around the house . Other than that , not too much is going on , so with that , I 'll be signing off for the evening . Thank you , for all your prayers and support - it is much appreciated . Today was a busy day , in fact probably one of the busiest we have had . It began as a pretty fast paced day , with Linda coming in on an early flight . I had made arrangements for the girls to stay with a neighbor friend ( they have two little girls at the same ages so they enjoy going there ) , so it was just Jason and I to go pick up Linda ( a . k . a . Mom ) . As it turned out , it was a good thing the girls were having a play date with their friends , because the day went into overdrive a short while after leaving the airport . First we went to breakfast . Jason and I were both hungry , and so was Linda . Breakfast was pretty relaxed and then we were off to the hospital . The first appointment wasn 't until a little later , so that allowed Jason to take care of some other things - or at least that was what he was thinking . First he was greeted by Christie , from Bethesda , the first OT person he worked with , and the young lady who was captured in that famous drawing of him , while she worked on his hand . He was very happy to see her , and she him , though the meeting was relatively short , as she had other folks she needed to see . Then a little while after that I received a call from George 's support worker ( George is my oldest son ) . While he was at work something happened at work and George was obviously having difficulties . They had to rush him to Kaiser emergency , and I wasn 't getting a great amount of detail as to what was going on . The real challenge is that Linda was now with me so we had to find someone else to be with him . Fortunately , I was able to get in touch with Joyce ( my sister - in - law ) , and asked her if she could go check on George . The best part is that Joyce is a nurse with Kaiser , so she knows the workings better than the average person . She stayed with him for several hours , until the all clear , then took him home to her and Larry 's ( her husband , that 's Uncle Larry and Aunt Joyce ) place . From what I understand they don 't know exactly what caused the problem , so they wanted to do some tests to see if they could figure itWhen we got back to the house Jason laid down , as did Mom , and they both took naps , for a little while . I played with the girls and started to get things ready for dinner . We still have a bunch of left overs that we will probably be able to eat our way through , though I think there might be more than we can handle . there was some cleaning accomplished and Linda helped with getting the girls fed , and everyone was back in bed , and I was able to blog . I think tomorrow is going to be a little more relaxed , so I might not have a bunch to put in to the blog , but that 's okay , because today made up for it already . ( Everybody - It was pointed out that this one wasn 't posted on Wednesday , so I went back in and checked , and sure enough , it still was in " draft " status . I guess I must have been tired or something . Well , anyway , thank you , Karen for letting me know - it is now posted ) Today was pretty much a routine day for Jason , in that we got up and fixed breakfast ; we made sure the girls were all set ; we headed over to the hospital for whatever appointment ( s ) that he had to do ; and , then came back home . The girls didn 't get to go over to their new friends house , but that 's okay , we enjoy being around them too , and we are getting to a level of routine that allows me to work just a little less hard . Jason is doing well , and he is tolerating the pain much more effectively now . He doesn 't ask for his pain medicines anywhere near as often as he used to , and in fact really didn 't ask for any until later this evening . The trick is to stay ahead of the pain , so I have to watch him closely . I don 't want the pain to get away from him , and then we are stuck playing catch up , and that 's no fun . Tonight I made pizza , and the girls really enjoyed it . It turned out better than I thought it was going to , and ( this is the best part ) I made enough for all of us and had no left overs . I generally don 't like left over pizza anyway , it just doesn 't taste the same - though I know some of you survived on it through your teens and early twenties . . . ; - ) I got Jason comfortable when he went to bed and then read a couple of books to the girls , so they could go to bed . Generally I talk with Linda at the end of the day , and several times during the day , then I do the blog ( like right now ) . Thank you for all your prayers and continued support . We continue to travel this road together and An interesting little anecdote , about today 's date . The military way of righting it is 12 January 2012 , or 1212012 . . . Not much , but I thought it was interesting . Jason had a pretty good day with getting all his appointments in , and establishing a regular appointment schedule with PT . Previously he did not have any time set for going to physical therapy , and I wondered about that . It was all cleared up today , and now it will be 13 : 00 with PT and 14 : 00 with OT ( that 's 1pm and 2pm ) . We had an early appointment today with the prosthetic team , and it was determined that there is nothing they can do right now , and still be able to keep Jason comfortable . We will be coming back every two weeks , and letting them see what kind of progress has been made in his continued wound healing , and apparently Jason is one of those guys that all of the top folks want to be a part of his treatment . At one point there were five other medical professionals ( I honestly don 't know if they were all doctors or not ) in the room , and they were all talking about the challenges that they see with helping Jason to progress . Some times I have to keep reminding them that they are talking about a person , as well as a challenge , and I will tell them that they are going about something wrong , if I see that happening . We found out today why Jason hasn 't gotten his wheelchair . Apparently there were too many modifications required , and when the final product was presented , it wasn 't useable . Jason will be meeting with to order a " new " chair , though I am just a little disappointed that we still haven 't heard from him . I called him this afternoon , and asked him to call either Jason , or me , so we could get something set up , and no returned call , yet . Linda ( wife ) will be coming down tomorrow , so I am soooo looking forward to that . When we were in Maryland it seemed that I was with Linda frequently . Now that we are back in California I don 't seem to see her very often , or at least not as often as I would like . The good thing is that I am now talking with the support team , who is supposed to be helping to identify someone who will be able to provide support and help for Jason , and giving me a bit of a rest , from time to time . Actually , it isn 't so much a rest as it is a chance for me to get back home once in a while . Tomorrow Jason has an appointment with PT , and that isn 't until the afternoon , so he will be able to spend some time with Mom in the morning . She is taking an early flight , and will be getting here close to 08 : 00 . Otherwise , we are looking forward to a fun long weekend with Jason and his girls . We might go to the Zoo or Sea World and act a little like tourists . The great part is that Jason and his family get to go into both places for free . Stay tuned to the blog to see what happens . Thank you , all for your continued support and prayers . We still have some challenges ahead of us , though I believe none of those will stop Jason at any point . Today wasn 't much different from yesterday , though the actual appointments were with different people . The girls got to go play with their new friends again , and Jason and I were able to get the things done that we needed to do . About the only different thing that happened was that I now have a vacuum available to use , and it was used . Actually most of the house has vinyl flooring , except for most of the upstairs area and the bedrooms . Oh , yeah , I think I mentioned a couple of days ago that Jason shaved off his mustache , well , today he got his first reaction from doing that ( besides from me ) . Lynn commented that he looked better without it and that he looked five years younger . She also went on to say that she didn 't particularly care for facial hair , and I said , " Oh , really ? " ( For those that don 't know what I look like , I have a full beard , and at the time she said that , the bear needed trimming - a bunch ) . She looked at me and was instantly embarrassed , so I had to give her a bad time and then gave her a hug . I also told her that I still wasn 't going to shave mine , besides Linda ( my wife ) likes it and that 's all that really counts anyway . As a side note , I did finally get to a barber and he trimmed my beard up , along with the hair cut . I guess I went about two weeks longer than normal , so I feel much better now . We had a pretty good day today , with Jason 's appointments being scheduled such that we had plenty of time to get to them , and it didn 't interrupt anything else we had going on . On top of that , we have started to get to know some of the neighbors a little better , and found out that one of the couples has a couple of little girls , the same age as Stacy and Jackie , and they got to have a play day with them . We will be doing another day tomorrow as well . The really cool part of the chance meeting was that Charlie , the husband / father , of this new family is also EOD , and he spent some time in Okinawa , just like Jason . As it turned out Jason left before Charlie arrived , so they didn 't get to meet until here . They do know some common EOD friends and I think it will provide Jason with another guy he can talk to , who has a common understanding of what Jason is talking about . This also works the other way , in that it allows Jason to be the sounding board for Charlie . The kids had a great time , and Stacy was able to ride one of their tricycles with the older girl and she was both really happy and very worn out at the end . About the only thing I didn 't get done today was the hair cut that I wanted to get . I will get one though , some day this week . Jason will be showering and a dressing change in the morning , and I am anticipating that he will be looking good and healing further along . As long as there are no set backs , Jason should be making some very positive and serious improvements over these next few months . Thank you all , for all your continued support and for all the prayers being sent our way . Today was close to a carbon copy of yesterday , only Jason did get up for a short while and then transferred to his recliner chair . It isn 't quite the same as laying down , but it does allow for him to be more involved yet low pressure on the wounds . I helped him with a shower and dressing change today , and everything looked better than it has in the past , and in fact looked much better than I thought it would . . . I am very pleased with this . Even tonight , when he went to bed the dressings usually would show some signs of " wear " and they were not there this time . Dinner was very simple - I made hamburgers , and Jason helped . Actually it was his idea again . I was trying to decide on what to make when he suggested just using the hamburgers that were in the freezer . I didn 't even know there were burgers in the freezer . They were Bubba Burgers , and I have to admit I was a little apprehensive , as I wasn 't familiar with the brand ( Jason was ) , and they turned out pretty good . I used cheddar cheese , sliced from a block , and we had some very good tasting cheese burgers for dinner . Stacy enjoyed her burger , and Jackie couldn 't get enough . I thought she might take Jason 's fingers a couple of times . It was a fun and simple dinner , and actually quite relaxed . Not much else done today , other than I took down the Christmas tree . I went through the trouble of wrapping each of the ornaments , and packing them in a box , then went out and got the box for the tree . Inside that box . . . I found the boxes for the ornaments . I guess that 's to be expected , since I didn 't put the tree up originally . . . ; - ) Anyway , the house looks good , even without the tree , and the girls had fun with grandpa taking the tree down . Tomorrow is the start of a new week , and we have a pretty full schedule of appointments . I think Jason will be able to get all the appointments in and still get plenty of rest . Thank you , all for the continued support and prayers . Wow , first week of the new year down , and it seems like Christmas was only a couple of weeks ago . . . Oh , yeah , I guess it was only a couple of weeks ago . Jason had a bit of a rough start this morning , and was uncomfortable so with some encouragement from me he just stayed in bed most of the day . That worked out as it was kind of relaxing for me too . One thing I need to point out . . . I mentioned that Jason was supposed to be getting his chair and seat this past Friday . It didn 't happen . We will be going back in on Monday and talking with the doctor to find out what happened , so I apologize for not mentioning that yesterday . Around 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) Jason was feeling much better and decided he wanted to get up . To be honest I was a little apprehensive about it at first , then saw how well he was doing and thought it was probably a good idea . He came out to the kitchen and started to cook dinner , by making soup . Jason is a very creative person , and especially so in the kitchen . In high school he even took home economics one semester . Linda and I loved it , he would come home and try out some of the new things he had learned , and I don 't recall any of the " experiments " that tasted bad . Anyway , he started the soup and then started directing me , as he has a hard time reaching things . I am happy to say the soup came out quite tasty , and we have some left that will be eaten for lunch tomorrow . We stayed up and talked for a while longer , then it was time for bed , and that was the end of the day for Jason , and the rest of us . Once I 'm done with the blog posting I will be going to be too . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Jason was finally able to get his hair cut in today , and I think he feels more like he is supposed to now . I wasn 't able to get a hair cut , but I think I can probably get one in on this weekend . Jason was up early this morning and was able to get his clothes , and into his chair , and out to the kitchen all on his own . I was impressed , to say the least . He said it was a challenge , but he managed to get it done , and he was still feeling pretty good comfort - wise . All that is great , and I know it is good to hear about it , though there is a down side to getting into the chair that early . He has a tolerance level that allows him to stay in the chair for so long , then he needs to lay down to relieve the pressure . Today , that time coincided with his visit to PT , and fortunately they have several places where he is able to just lay down . It was actually his first visit with PT , this year , and when he went down he saw several people he knew , and it was a nice feeling going in . We had the girls with us , and they were being looked after by four or five of the other therapists , as the girls are pretty cute , if I do say so myself . The visit lasted for about an hour , so it gave Jason enough time to relieve the pressure just as it was needed . The stuff from North Carolina came today , and Jason was able to get the important things he wanted , packed away at our house . Actually , we have a few things to take care of now , like getting his TV set up , and cable to the house . Who knows , maybe we 'll have it all done in time to see the Super Bowl . Okay , maybe I 'm being too optimistic , but it does give me something to look forward to . . . ; - ) The exterior of the house was painted today , and the movement of the boxes did not cause any problems either way . Jason went out in his chair and did some supervision of the unloading , just like a good Staff Sergeant would do - got ' a love the Marines for being that way . There were five guys from the Wounded Warrior battalion who came over to lend Jason a hand , so it was done very quickly . This weekend we are going to be working on getting some things put away , and even put together . Then we 're going to take some time to relax and rest . I think I 'll do my best to get some time to go over to Balboa Park , and enjoy a little more of San Diego . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and please keep in mind all the others who also need help in so many different ways . Jason took a shower today , and afterward he ( drum roll please ) shaved , including his mustache . When I saw him , he looked so much more refreshed , and my first thought was that he looked like a Marine who needs a hair cut ( he and I have been trying to find the time to get a hair cut for several days now ) . We were able to take care of some of the chores / errands that we 've been wanting to do , with a big one being the change out of the loaner vehicle for the next vehicle . The van we have now is almost identical to the one we previously had so the learning curve was almost null . Its even the same color - white ( which means it will also get dirty just as fast ) . Also we made a new friend today , Bob S . , who helped us in many ways today . He came over to help in one way , and it ended up taking up almost the entire day for him . He didn 't complain and even bought us lunch . I didn 't ask him if it was okay to write about this so you 'll just have to accept the vague description , for now . Also a good bit of news came in late in the day , that the possessions from North Carolina are supposed to be here tomorrow . This is going to help in multiple ways , and make life a little more stable for everyone . Then finally a delivery came , via UPS , from George B . Our car seats are now here and we don 't need to keep swapping seats back and forth from one vehicle to another . Actually , I was getting moderately fast making the change , though it was getting old . Tomorrow should be a little easier as there aren 't too many appointments to keep up with . This should allow us to catch up on a few things . Thank you all for all your continued prayers and support , as George B . wrote to me . . . we 're supposed to look our for each other ( Romans 3 : 38 - 39 ) . Today started out a little better , but by the end of the day Jason was worn down about as much as I have seen . The demands of keeping up with his needs , as well as those of his daughters has been challenging , but I think we are beginning to get into more of a rhythm , and in a matter of a day or so it should be easier . I 'm looking at ways of streamlining our activities so that we don 't use so much time to do the different things that we need to do . Like working with the medical folks so that we don 't have to go to the pharmacy on a weekly basis , and maybe allow us to have a month supply . Going to the pharmacy , even with Jason 's " fast pass " , takes about an hour to get a prescription filled . I 've hear stories of some of the patients waiting four or five hours to get prescriptions filled . Not sure why it takes so long , in Bethesda it seemed to work much more smoothly and quickly , for everyone . On the good news side today - we were told that the power chair is supposed to be arriving this week , so that means maybe tomorrow , AND his seat is supposed to be with it . I am so looking forward to the new seat , and I know Jason is also . The one he has right now is getting a little worn and broken down . Not sure about his new manual chair , but we should be hearing something on that soon . Not the best of days for Jason , as his HO ( I think ) is starting bother him again . We will be talking with the doctor tomorrow and see if there is something that we can do to make him more comfortable while we wait for his custom seat . The wounds themselves are looking better all the time , and we went in to see the nurse practitioner , and she felt that everything was coming along well . The funny part is that now when we go in I effectively do all the work with the wound care , because I know how to touch , as well as where to touch safely . The medical staff is sometimes less than caring , and I guess I really can 't blame them too much . Most of the corpsmen joined with the idea that they would be out in the field " in the action " and when they get placed in a medical office or hospital they get bored . Over the course of these past 10 months I have had the opportunity to work with some who have been absolutely outstanding and others I hope we never see again . Fortunately , the latter is a MUCH smaller list . We 've gotten to know one of the chaplains these past few days , and he has been a great help with getting some things done . Funny part is that he is actually a patient here as well ( neck injury ) . Like today , Jason and I had to go to the nurse practitioner , and we had the girls with us . Mike was also there , and he said he would be happy to watch the girls while Jason and I were in the procedure room . The girls already know him so it was a great fit . Jason and I will probably end up making a visit to his church , as soon as Jason is up for that type setting . I 'd like to get back to going regularly again , as it has been too long since our last visit . I 'm hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day for Jason , and I think it will be , though if it is not we 'll simply take it as another step in the journey . Thank you all for all your support and prayers , it continues to amaze me how strong you all have been for Jason and all of his family . Not too bad of a day , though Jason was experiencing some extra pain , and wasn 't able to sit in his chair for as long as he usually does . Fortunately we have to head over to the hospital in the morning , and that should allow for them to possibly provide some ideas / solutions to how he can better cope with it . I got him up and we did some things around the house , and we found that we actually had a little free time . He wanted to get back to his bed and take a nap , and this sounded great to me . After he got up I suggested to him that it would be an opportune time for him to take a shower , and then a dressing change . Because of the holiday , just past , his shower / dressing change schedule got a little out of whack ( side note : What is " whack " ? ) . Anyway , he agreed and so the shower felt good and he also looked good after . There were some challenges with the internet , as neither of us could get on , for a few hours ( not sure why ) , but it seemed to clear up later this evening ( that 's why I am blogging now ) . We have appointments in the morning so I will need to be moving early , to get him and the girls up and fed before we leave . With that , I 'm going to be going to bed now , and will provide a little more in the way of updates tomorrow . This blog is dedicated to the recovery and rehab of SSGT Jason Ross , and over the past several months I have , at times , diverted to more esoteric items that really don 't have a great deal to do with what my initial intent was . Therefore , since it is the new year , and I have the ability to do so , I am rededicating myself to postings on this blog of JUST Jason 's recovery and rehab focus . Having said that . . . Today Jason got up at just a little before 06 : 00 , as that is the time when I give him his initial meds of the day . A short time after that I helped him get ready for a nice shower , and over to the shower . The bedroom he sleeps in is not a master bedroom in the more traditional sense of the word , and does not have a bath attached directly to the room ( none of the bedrooms do ) . He gets a little PT each time he does this , so going down the short hall provides him a chance to " warm up " a little , for the day . We 're working with the housing folks here to get a couple of trapezes installed , so he can more easily transfer himself ( to and from the shower and to and from the bed ) , and again , it is good PT for him anyway . Once he was done with the shower I did a dressing change , and I am thinking that the next time the wound nurse sees his progress , she will be pleased . Once he gets to the point of having the wounds FINALLY closed , he can progress more rapidly with his rehab efforts . Dr . Malone had told me that the wounds were simply going to be closing up on their own , and would be taking what will fell like a slow path , so I am now seeing that . Because it is still a holiday , there really wasn 't much more to do today , other than some web surfing and just taking care of some little chores . Not sure about tomorrow , as it is the tail end of the holiday for most of the hospital , so I don 't think there will be any activity with OT or PT , but we might head over there anyway . We 're both hoping the barber shop is open as we both need a haircut ( me more than Jason ) . If not , we will take care of it on Tuesday . |
AND THE WINNER OF THE NOVEMBER SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . lucyandmo ! Congratulations ! lucyandmo just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of December any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the December sales will be drawn on January 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Got this in an e - mail and wanted to share with you all . One day my mother was out , and my dad was in charge of me . I was maybe 2 1 / 2 years old . Someone had given me a little ' tea set ' as a gift , and it was one of my favorite toys . Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ' tea ' , which was just water . After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea , my mom came home . My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea , because it was ' just the cutest thing ! ' Mom waited , and sure enough , here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up . Then she said , ( as only a mother would know ) , " ' Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet ? " This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro , Kentucky , a small town on the banks of the Ohio River , and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale , it 's indeed real . An out - of - state traveler was walking along the side of the roadhitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm . Time passed slowly and no cars went by . It was raining so hardhe could barely see his hand in front of his face . Suddenly he saw a car approaching , moving slowly and appearingghostlike in the rain . It slowly and silently crept toward himand stopped . Wanting a ride very badly , the guy jumped into thecar and closed the door . Only then did he realize that there wasnobody behind the wheel and no sound of the engine to beheard over the rain . Again the car crept slowly forward . The guy was terrified but tooscared to think of jumping out and running . The guy saw thatthe car was approaching a sharp curve and still too scared tojump out . He started to pray and beg for his life . He was certainthe ghost car would go off the road and into the river andhe would surely drown ! But just before the curve , a shadowyfigure appeared at the driver 's window and a hand reached in andturned the steering wheel , guiding the car safely around the bend . Then , just as silently , the hand disappeared through the windowand the hitchhiker was alone again . Paralyzed with fear , the guy watched the hand reappear everytime they reached a curve . Finally the guy , frightened nearlyto death , had all he could take and jumped out of the car andran through the storm to the nearby town . Wet and in shock , he went into a lighted tavern and with voicequavering , ordered two shots of whiskey , and then , shaken , he told everybody about his supernatural experience . A silence came over those listening and everybody got goosebumps . They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth . And the sounds of the storm continued outside . About half an hour later , two guys walked into the bar and onesays to the other , ' Look Billy Bob , there 's that idiot that rode in our carPosted by AND THE WINNER OF THE OCTOBER SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . LAHAMMER ! Congratulations ! LAHammer just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of November any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the November sales will be drawn on December 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The other day my hubby fixed me a lunch to take along to the craft show I was participating in . He packed the lunch bag and sat it on the end table in the living room so I could grab it when heading out the door . Next thing I know I see my little boy standing there with the bag of gold fish crackers hubby had put in the lunch bag . He was eating right out of the bag and saying , " mmmmm " as he was eating them . Too cute ! AND THE WINNER OF THE SEPTEMBER SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . mrsannasue ! Congratulations ! mrsannasue just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of October any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the October sales will be drawn on November 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! On many different occasions when walking my daughter to and from school cars and even school buses , yes school buses , have not stopped for us to walk across the crosswalk . I had thought about complaining to the school about getting a stop sign back at the crosswalk but decided I didn 't want to cause any problems . There used to be a stop sign but we are unsure of what happened to it . Well , one morning , I decided that the school needs a stop sign back up at the cross walk ! My daughter and I were CLEARLY standing at the crosswalk a few weeks ago waiting to go across the street and I 'll be darned if a car didn 't swerve over to go around us instead of stopping for us to walk across . What part of pedestrians have the right away do people NOT understand ? Here we are standing at the crosswalk that has pedestrian signs and the road marked with white lines across the street from a school , my daughter has her backpack on , and it is almost time for school to start . Wouldn 't you think it would be OBVIOUS we are wanting to cross the street to go into the school ? Apparently it isn 't to some people ! Some of the cars that do not stop for us have been parents coming out of the school parking lot from picking up or dropping off their own children ! You can bet your bottom dollar that if it were them walking their kids to and from school and I didn 't stop for them to walk across the street that they would not be happy either ! So I had had enough and on this particular morning I stopped the principal to ask about getting a stop sign put back up . I told him it is unbelievable to me how many cars do not stop when we are clearly waiting to cross the street . I told him it makes me not ever want to let my child walk to school by herself . He said they had a crossing guard in the afternoon but could see how that could be a problem in the mornings with no one out there and said he would check into it . I really didn 't think that the principal would do anything . I figured he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and that was all that would amoPosted by So I was sitting at my desk eating cookies and milk tonight and the package of cookies was sitting open on my desk . Next thing I know I hear this little voice go , " Mmmmmm . " I looked and my little guy had snatched himself a cookie and started walking off in the other direction before I really had the chance to catch him . I didn 't really want him to have a cookie but ended up just letting him eat it . The moment was just too cute to end it with him crying over me taking the cookie away . While he was sitting there eating it , he kept making the " mmmmm " sound again . Awww . . . . the cute little cookie thief ! AND THE WINNER OF THE AUGUST SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . vampiton ! Congratulations ! vampiton just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of September any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the September sales will be drawn on October 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Today for lunch I made my son a hot dog . I had cut up his hot dog in bite sized pieces for him and gave him a fork . He LOVES to eat with a fork now instead of his fingers . Well , I forgot something on his plate . I had no longer got him " seat belted " in , with fork in hand , and he started fussing because he wanted something . He was gesturing and then literally pointed / touched his plate . Know what I forgot ? Ketchup . Yep , he 's going to be a dipper ! So , off to the fridge I went and came back with the ketchup bottle . Squirted a little circle of ketchup on his plate and he was good to go . Ate every bite of hot dog and used basically all of the ketchup too ! My daughter LOVES to draw pictures and do artsy type things all the time . Tonight she brought me the picture below and said it was a picture of her daddy and I when we were kids . Hubby is on the left side and I am on the right side . I 'm wearing tights . Ummm . . . . . really glad we didn 't REALLY look like this back then ! Last night we went over to one of my brother 's to visit for a little while . I was sitting on the couch and my daughter was across the room . The tv was on the side of the living room that my daughter was on and the football game was what was on the tv . My son was going back and forth between my daughter and myself . My daughter came over to me and whispered basically , " if cartoons were on the tv then my son would stay on the other side of the room with her and not bother me anymore . " It was pretty funny ! Of course , my sister - in - law found it cute too and eventually someone changed the channel from football to cartoons for the kids . They sure can be clever at times , can 't they ? This one might bring tears to your eyes when you read it as I have tears in my eyes as I 'm writing it . I just want to make sure to remind ALL of you to spend time with your family members whenever you get the chance ! No matter how busy you THINK you are ! My phone rang not too long ago . At first glance of the caller ID I thought it was my daughter 's school , because it just said SCHOOLS and had the phone number so of course the first thing that went through my mind was something had happened to my daughter . After answering , I realized it was my aunt ( who works at a school as a teacher ) and was relieved to know nothing had happened to my little girl although I was immediately saddened at the news she was calling to give me . She was calling to let me know that they had just found her dad , my grandpa , in his home a few hours before . He had past away from what they think was a heart attack but they aren 't sure yet . Growing up I knew this grandpa quite well and saw him VERY frequently . This was my step - dad 's father . By the time my mom and step - dad ( whom I called dad ) got married , grandpa wasn 't married to my dad 's mom anymore but had a second wife . While he was married to the second wife there were SO many big family dinners and gatherings . Seems like the family was ALWAYS together for some reason or another . Sometimes just because with no particular holiday or anything needed . When grandpa got divorced and remarried for a third time there were still family get togethers but not nearly as many . It definitely wasn 't the same . Then when my parents divorced about 8 or 9 years ago , that was when we really never saw much of that side of the family hardly at all . Really sad how divorces split up families isn 't it ? A few months ago , one of my uncles from that side of the family put together a big family barbeque at a park and his reasoning behind it was to get everyone together at least one last time before some of the elderly in the family past on . I 'm sure he never dreamed it would happen so soon ! I am SO glad my uncle put togetPosted by Hubby found this recipe and it sounds like it might be good . Haven 't tried it yet but think we might sometime . Thought I 'd share it with you all too in case you wanted to try it ! Lemonade Pie2 graham cracker pie crusts2 cans eagle brand milk1 11 1 / 2oz . can frozen lemonade concentrate2 tubs cool - whipAllow lemonade to thaw at room temperature . Mix together eagle brand milk , lemonade and cool whip . Pour into pie crusts and allow to chill before serving . Fast and easy for anyone . Ever wake up in the morning on your own without the help of an alarm clock and feel wide awake but then look at the clock and see that it is still pretty early ? You lie there and think , " I don 't wanna get up THIS early especially on a day that I am suppose to be able to sleep in . " So you stay in bed and end up dozing back off to sleep for a bit only to wake up just 45 minutes later or so feeling more tired than you did . I did this today . I should have just got up when I woke up the first time ! Probably could have gotten more accomplished . Oh well ! Off to accomplish some things now ! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven . When they get there , St . Peter says , ' We only have one rule here in heaven : Don 't step on the ducks ! ' So they enter heaven , and sure enough , there are ducks all over the place . It is almost impossible not to step on a duck , and although they try their best to avoid them , the first woman accidentally steps on one . Along comes St . Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw . St . Peter chains them together and says , ' Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man ! ' The next day , the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St . Peter , who doesn 't miss a thing . With him is another extremely ugly man . He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman . The third woman has observed all this and , not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man , is very , VERY careful where she steps . She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks , but one day St . Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . . . . very tall , long eyelashes , muscular . St . Peter chains them together without saying a word . The happy woman says , ' I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity ? ' The guy says , ' I don 't know about you , but I stepped on a duck . ' Today was the first day back to school for my daughter . She is a first grader this year ! I can 't believe how fast she is growing up ! She 'll be 7 on her next birthday ! My little guy is growing up too fast too ! He 'll be 2 on his next birthday ! I walked my daughter to and from school today which is how she gets to school when the weather permits . SO much easier than trying to deal with all the traffic of cars lining up all down the road ! When I got her from school I asked her how her first day was . She told me it was great ! I was so glad to hear that because when I left her this morning she looked a bit uneasy like she wasn 't really sure about it . I think it was just because it was a whole new room , new teacher , and almost all new classmates . There were about three or four familiar names from her Kindergarten class and she said she knew some of the other kids too . I know she will adjust just fine ! No worries there at all ! When I asked her about if she got all her school supplies put away she told me she did . I am a bit annoyed about what she said they did with the school supplies though so I am going to be asking the teacher about it in the morning . My daughter said that the only school supplies that she kept in her school box for herself to use was her pair of scissors and her large pink erasers . Now scissors and erasers are not the only school supplies we had to take . We had to take a package of markers , a package of white construction paper , a package of colored construction paper , two boxes of crayons , a bottle of glue , twelve pencils , and two boxes of kleenex . We also took a few bottles of hand sanitizer that were not required but appreciated by the teacher . So according to my daughter ALL of her school supplies are shared except for her scissors , pink erasers , and her school box . Now maybe it 's just me and I 'm being selfish here but this kind of bothers me . We got our daughter " good " school supplies not any store brand things . Not that store brand is bad . Don 't get me wrong ! We are usually ALL about buying the stoPosted by The other day we had some noodles for lunch . When my son and I sat down to eat some they were still a bit too hot so I had to blow on them to cool them off . That same night we had noodles again . When we sat down to eat those my son remembered me blowing on them at lunch and the first thing he did was start to blow on them to cool them off . It was really cute ! I got a new stick deodorant today . The instructions said : Remove cap and push up bottom . I can barely walk , but whenever I fart the room smells lovely . A man walks into a restaurant with a full - grown ostrich behind him . The waitress asks them for their orders . The man says , ' A hamburger , fries , and a coke , ' and turns to the ostrich , ' What 's yours ? ' ' I 'll have the same , ' says the ostrich . A short time later the waitress returns with the order . ' That will be $ 9 . 40 please . ' The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment . The next day , the man and the ostrich come again and the man says , ' A hamburger , fries , and a coke . ' The ostrich says , ' I 'll have the same . ' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change . This becomes routine until the two enter again . ' The usual ? ' asks the waitress . ' No , this is Friday night , so I will have a steak , baked potato , and a salad , ' says the man . ' Same , ' says the ostrich . Shortly later the waitress brings the order and says , ' That will be $ 32 . 62 . ' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table . The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer . ' Excuse me , sir . How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ? ' ' Well , ' says the man , ' several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp . When I rubbed it , a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes . My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything , I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there . ' ' That 's brilliant ! ' says the waitress . ' Most people would ask for a million dollars or something , but you 'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live ! ' ' That 's right . Whether it 's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce , the exact money is always there , ' says the man . The waitress asks , ' What 's with the ostrich ? ' The man sighs , pauses , and answers , ' My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say . ' AND THE WINNER OF THE JULY SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . thecuriouscupcake ! Congratulations ! thecuriouscupcake just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of August any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the August sales will be drawn on September 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! With both of our children , we have always tried to have the next size up in clothes and shoes stored away so that when they are ready for that size we don 't have to worry about going out shopping to get anything . We are already prepared . Well , today was the day that our son went from wearing a size 6 shoe to wearing a size 7 shoe . I went and took out two new pair of size 7 shoes that we had been saving for him in a tote with the next size up of clothes . I put the first pair on and he took off running around the house in them . Then he came back to me and wanted them off . I had no longer took them off and he wanted the second pair on . He then took off running around the house in them too . It 's like he 's trying them out . It is too cute ! Last night we were coming back from my mom 's house and hubby was driving . All of a sudden , he said something like , " Whoa . " I was like , " What ? " He said something had run across the road . I figured it might have been a squirrel and he said maybe a rabbit . Didn 't think much more of it . Well , this morning hubby went to leave for work . Next thing I know he is coming back in the house . I asked him what he forgot . He said something like , " Remember last night when I thought something ran across the road . It was a bat . " When he went to get in his truck this morning he saw a little bat stuck on the front of his truck . How crazy is that ? I feel bad that the bat was killed but we couldn 't help it . It just flew out of no where in the dark while we were driving . Hubby said all he saw was a little blur come across in front of us . We had no idea it was going to turn out to be a bat ! Life is too short so be sure to live it to the fullest each and EVERY day without any worries , regrets , or guilt ! Spend as much time as you can with your loved ones ! You never truly know how much time you have with them ! Today my little boy is 21 months old . I have always had pictures of my kids taken very often so today was picture day . We went to Sears Portrait Studio to have them done . From the time my daughter was 4 weeks old until she turned 5 we have taken her to Sears for pictures . On her 6th birthday we started taking her to Wal - mart for her pictures . I hope to do the same for my little boy but we 'll see . Although the girl did a good job getting my son to smile today and the pictures turned out well , I am a bit annoyed with how Sears lets you use the coupons they give you . Here 's a little history on how I acquired one of the coupons I wanted to use at my visit today . Back in the fall we did family pictures with them and I was NOT happy with the overall experience . I 'm usually a pretty quiet person but I flat out told the people working the day we were there how I felt . My hubby wasn 't even too pleased with this visit and it takes quite a bit for him to be annoyed with something . He 's pretty laid back . After our pictures were taken , I had told the people working that out of all the years I 'd been coming there ( since 2003 ) that this time was by far my WORST experience ever . When asked what they could have done to make it better I told them they needed to have people working there that knew what they were doing . So then the girl was all apologetic and gave me some free coupons for free portrait sheets that I could use at future visits . I had actually thought about never going back to Sears for pictures but decided to try again since the ones working the night I wasn 't happy were just seasonal helpers . Well , today at my visit I wanted to use one of those coupons and also a 20 % off my total purchase coupon which the girl said would be fine . Now Sears Portrait Studio also has a Smile Savers plan that you purchase to be a part of that gives you a free 8x10 when you have pictures taken . Since I wanted to use my coupon for a free portrait that I was given for not being pleased back in the fall , the girl told me I could not get the frPosted by No , I have not seen your lipstick . Why would you even ask me that ? I 'm insulted ! Every time something goes missing around here , everybody looks at me ! For your information , I don 't even wear that shade . It doesn 't flatter my complexion and it tastes terrible . Oops . My little guy decided he wanted to get up today BEFORE 8am . Yep , it 's gonna be a long day and he 's probably going to be a bit cranky . I bet daddy will be too since he got up with him before I got up . I didn 't stay in bed too much later though because I could hear them in the other room . I 'm looking at it all in a positive way though . Hoping that by getting up earlier we will get more things accomplished . We 'll see how that goes . So far so good though . I 've added a few new listings to my Etsy shop already and I 'm also blogging right now . Hubby is out working on his old car he 's restoring . He 's been doing some body work to it here lately . Well , I 'm off to try and get some more things done before we head over to a friend 's house for her daughter 's 10th birthday . Yep , she was born ON the 4th of July so they are celebrating big today . I think her first birthday party was on the actual holiday and now so is the 10th one . I think all the other ones have just been done on a weekend before or after the holiday . With 10 being kind of like a milestone birthday they decided to do the whole red , white , and blue theme like they did for the 1st birthday . I 'm sure it will be a whole lot of fun ! Hope everyone has a happy and safe day today ! Happy 4th of July to all of you celebrating it ! I was working on the computer just a little while ago when my little boy came over to me kind of whiny and pointing his index finger out . Of course , my first thought was he some how got an owie and was wanting me to kiss it to make it all better . I took hold of his hand and realized he was not whining because it hurt but was whining because there was a big ol ' booger on it ! Ewwww ! Good thing I looked at it and didn 't just decide to kiss it ! Also a good thing that he brought it to me instead of wiping it on something or eating it ! Oh , the joys of having children ! Boogers and all ! Some of you reading this can probably relate to this story can 't ya ? AND THE WINNER OF THE JUNE SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . dcwood60 ! Congratulations ! dcwood60 just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of July any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the July sales will be drawn on August 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Tonight my hubby was telling me that someone we know was talking about how their dryer isn 't working properly . Guess they have a gas dryer that works but doesn 't get hot so it just air dries their clothes . Apparently that makes for " crunchy underwear " so the person he was talking to said they have gone commando a few times because they didn 't feel like wearing " crunchy underwear " . It was just kind of funny when my hubby was telling me about this so I decided it could be my blog post topic for tonight . Not sure if you 'll even find it funny or if reading it is quite as funny as being told it but hopefully it made ya smile at least a little bit ! Whenever my hubby or I collect the trash my little boy will sometimes try to help . We go get the small trash cans from the bathroom and our room to dump them into the big trash can in the kitchen . My son will walk in front of us like he is leading us where we need to go . When we reach the kitchen he will stand there and point to the big trash can as if telling us , " Hey , it goes in here . " It 's just so cute to watch him try to be so helpful at just one and a half years old . If only they stayed this helpful forever ! Isn 't it crazy how your taste buds can change as you grow older ? When I was a kid my grandpa and I would go out to my grandparent 's garden , pick a tomato , and sit down with a salt shaker to eat the tomato . As I got older I thought tomatoes were gross ! I also remember my mom would make egg noodles and stewed tomatoes to eat when I was growing up . I remember pushing the tomatoes to the side and just eating the noodles with salt on them . Now as an adult I have grown to like tomatoes again . I love them on a BLT sandwich and will also eat them on a Subway sandwich or a fast food burger . When I make egg noodles and stewed tomatoes I 'll now eat all of it , not just the noodles . I also LOVE fresh made salsa with tomatoes , onions , and jalapenos . Add some salt , pepper , garlic , and grab a bag of tortilla chips for dipping then ta da , you have a tasty little snack ! Mmmm mmmm good ! Yummy to the tummy ! I still am not overly fond of them too much in a salad or fresh with salt over them but do eat more tomatoes now than I use to . Makes me wonder how my kids taste buds will change as they grow older ? Only time will tell ! I remember back when it was cold and snowy ! These pictures were taken back on March 21 , 2010 . I took them with all intentions of blogging about the snowstorm that moved through at that time but never got it posted . I 'm pretty sure that when all this snow was falling I was hoping for warmer weather . I can 't stand the cold ! I freeze in wintertime so I look forward to spring and summer . Now that it is ninety degrees and smothering hot , I am not loving it quite so much ! If it is super duper hot in your region right now , maybe looking at these pictures will help cool ya off ! My son is going through a phase right now where he wants to be covered up with a blanket when he is curling up on my lap on the couch or when I am rocking him for his nap or bedtime . Now , you 're probably thinking , what is wrong with that ? Well , nothing really except for the fact that it is pretty warm in our house right now because we don 't currently have our air conditioning on yet . Not quite ready for the electric bill that comes with the cold air conditioner air ! Soooo . . . . . when it is eighty some degrees outside and my little guy wants to curl up on the couch on me with a quilt or thick blanket , it can get very warm ! Last night we played Monopoly with our six and a half year old daughter . It was her first time ever playing . We just played a timed game since we also have our one and half year old son . He wanted to grab all the pieces . First we picked our playing pieces and passed out the money . After that I shuffled all the properties and gave each player two of them . Each of us then paid for the properties we were given and the game began . This was how the rules said to do it for a timed game . We decided to just play for one hour and at the end of that hour who ever was the " richest " was the winner . All through the game we made sure to note who owned which property so that no one missed out on any " rent " payments . My daughter had a blast playing ! Only thing that upset her was that she didn 't ever get to buy any houses for her properties like mommy and daddy did because she never was able to land on and purchase all of the same color of properties . We told her next time maybe she would be able to do so . In the end , daddy ended up being the big winner ! I think it helped that he owned Boardwalk AND Park Place . Any of you who know anything about the game of Monopoly know that these are usually the two properties people want to buy right away because they bring in the most money when landed on especially with houses and hotels on them . We 'll probably be playing another game of Monopoly next week . It was a fun family game night ! So not long ago my son seemed to be drooling a lot so we thought maybe he might be trying to cut his two year molars early since those are the only teeth he doesn 't have yet . Tonight I checked to see if he was and he is not . Guess he was just drooling to be drooling ! Well , that got me thinking . Hmmmm . . . . did i write down when he got all his other teeth ? I couldn 't remember . When my daughter was born and through the first few years of her life I wrote down nearly EVERYTHING ! Now I 've heard people talk about how the second child doesn 't get nearly as much written down or saved as that first child does so I am doing my utmost best to make sure that both of my children have just as many of their milestones written down as the other does . Since I couldn 't remember if I had written when all my son 's teeth had come in I dug out the box I have been keeping notes in . I 'll admit , most of what I have written down for him are on little scraps of paper and a lot of little post it notes , but hey , at least I have it written down right ? Some day I 'll get it all organized and written in the actual baby book . One of these days ! Sooooo . . . . . after digging through all my notes I could only find where I had written down 11 dates and my son has 16 teeth . I was feeling kind of sad and like such a bad mom for not keeping track better when I happen to think , maybe I already wrote some down in the baby book ? I got out the baby book and yay , there were some more little post its in there plus one that was actually already written in the book . Woo - hoo ! I 'm not a bad mommy after all ! I had written down all 16 dates for all 16 teeth ! I felt SO much better after that ! Now to all those reading this , I by NO means think that woman are bad mommies if they do not write down every single date that every single one of their child 's teeth came in on . When I said I 'm not a bad mommy after all , that comment was just in reference to me and how I felt when I thought I hadn 't written down all the dates for my son knowing I had written them all down for my daughtPosted by So my daughter came in and asked me a little bit ago if she could get each of us a piece of candy . I told her yes . She comes back in with a fun dip for each of us . You know the little white candy sticks that you dip in the flavored powder sugar stuff ? I told her I didn 't think I wanted one of those . Her response to me was something like , " Trust me . It 's really good . " I thought it was funny . I know it 's good . I 've had them before . I just didn 't really want one right this moment . So I was over on the Shopper 's Paradise thread here , which is a great thread to be a part of by the way , and I had just literally hit the post button posting this : Hubby went to the grocery store and took my son with him . My daughter is in the other room playing . Oh , it is so nice and quiet right now . Do you hear that ? Neither do I ! When all of a sudden my daughter comes running in yelling that there is a big black spider in the bathroom next to the trash can . I get to the bathroom door and see this black spot on the floor by the trash can . I am thinking that is one big spider . Wondering how I 'm going to kill it . I 'm scared of spiders ! As I get closer I realized it is NOT a spider ! Earlier I had cut my hubby 's hair . When he threw away the hair I cut off , a little of it missed the trash can and had fallen on the floor right beside it . It was so funny ! She was so scared of hair that she ran out of the room and for a brief second I was a bit scared too until I realized what it was ! Oh the joys of parenthood ! On the way to walk my daughter to her classroom for her last day of Kindergarten this morning , one of the little girls from the class across the hall was talking to us . She said that when she told her dad she was going to be a first grader after today he said , " I 'm going to have to pull my hair out . Oh wait ! I don 't have any hair . " It was so cute and funny to see this little girl tell this story . You could tell she was happy to share it ! It made me smile . Hope you reading about it made you smile too ! AND THE WINNER OF THE MAY SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . wintercrochet ! Congratulations ! wintercrochet just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of June any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the June sales will be drawn on July 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! My little guy , who if you don 't already know is just one and a half , did the cutest sweetest thing tonight ! Hubby had just got done changing my son 's diaper . He put him down and my son walked right over towards my daughter 's room . Didn 't want him going in there so I said something like , " No , no . Can 't go in there . She went night night . " Here is where the cute sweet thing came in . He stopped right at her doorway and instead of going in just started making kissing noises . It was like he was giving her kisses good night . It was SO adorable ! Today while my hubby and daughter were in the back yard getting ready to get the patio cleared off and our little kiddie pool cleaned up they came across a pretty large snake . I was out with my mom and her boyfriend but when I got back my daughter told me about the snake . She said she called it human versus snake . I thought it was cute to hear her tell me about it ! Each month this past school year at my daughter 's school , some of the teacher 's nominated a child from their class for a character trait . My daughter was nominated for the trait of perseverance in the month of April . The school had sent home a note asking for parent volunteers to help with the party / picnic for the nominated kids . My daughter basically begged me to do this so I had hubby take a vacation day so I could go . I had to when my daughter was saying , " Please please please mommy ! " How could I not ? They were also asking for donations of popsicles too . The plan was to let the nominated kids eat their lunch outside on the playground and have a popsicle while out there . Well , the day before I got a call from the school saying they had had a lot of parent volunteers and they didn 't need me to help after all and I didn 't need to get popsicles either as they had enough donations for that too . I told the woman on the phone that my daughter REALLY wanted me there and had begged me to help . She said I could still come and eat lunch with my daughter so it was all good . I was a bit annoyed though at first but not mad . I was thinking , " Hmmmm . . . . how do they decide which parents they want to help and which they don 't ? " I mean , here I was willing to take the time to come up there and buy popsicles only to be told nevermind . I 'm thinking maybe they made this decision based on when you got your note returned ? I did send ours back a bit late but I had to wait to make sure hubby could get the day off . Luckily I hadn 't bought the popsicles yet because they would have probably gone to waste at our house since we probably wouldn 't have ever eaten them . We 're an ice cream family ! In the end I was glad they decided they didn 't need my help after all because I found out that my daughter wouldn 't have been at the party / picnic the whole time anyway . She was only going to be there for her 30 minute lunch period and they were wanting volunteers for a 2 hour window . I thought all the kids got to go for the full 2 hours but I was mistaken . SooPosted by So this morning I walked my daughter to school . We had no longer walked into the classroom when my daughter 's teacher asked her to hang up her backpack and walk another girl from her class up to the nurse 's office because the girl was all itchy . This girl was standing there scratching and scratching all over her face . Now I 'm all for the teacher 's having the more responsible kids help out with things , which walking other kids to places in the building is one of them , and I 'm proud of my daughter for being one of the more responsible kids , but I did not really like the idea of the teacher asking my child to walk this girl to the nurse . I mean , no one even knew what was making her itch like that ? It 's bad enough my child was exposed to whatever it was because the girl came to school to begin with but to have her have to walk her to the nurse too thus exposing her THAT much longer to whatever it was didn 't sit right with me at all . I just told my daughter NOT to touch her and I actually walked down the hall with them to make sure she didn 't touch her or get too close . Oh the joys of all the illnesses that kids bring to school with them ! I had a happy Mother 's Day today . It started out with breakfast in bed and lots of wonderful creations that my 6 year old made me . My daughter had been telling me the night before that I had to stay in bed on Mother 's Day morning because I was going to be getting breakfast in bed . Of course I woke up a bit early but I didn 't get up . I just stayed put and waited . Next thing I know my daughter , wearing a pretty dress , and hubby brought me my breakfast in bed tray . They had made scrambled eggs , gravy , hash browns , sausage links , and toast . Oh , and a big glass of milk ! It was all very VERY yummy ! Hubby told me that my daughter had helped make part of it . I guess she had to change her clothes because she cracked one of the eggs ALL over her . He said it was pretty funny ! I bet it was . He also said she helped butter my toast but he redid it for me because otherwise I would have had toast with my butter . Apparently there was A LOT of butter on the toast when she got through buttering it . While I was still eating my breakfast , my daughter brought me in all my gifts . There were a few things of candy and lots of things she had made at school plus a card she and daddy had bought from the store . She had signed it with her name , my son 's name , and the word me which was for daddy . It was a sweet start to my day ! My son was still sleeping through all of this but I bet he will be in there helping out next year ! Hope all of you moms out there reading this had a wonderful Mother 's Day too ! Just a fun read for today ! With all the new technology regarding fertility recently , a 65 - year - old friend of mine was able to give birth . When she was discharged from the hospital and went home , I went to visit . ' May I see the new baby ? ' I asked . ' Not yet , ' She said . ' I 'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first . ' Thirty minutes had passed , and I asked , ' May I see the new baby now ? ' ' No , not yet , ' She said . After another few minutes had elapsed , I asked again , ' May I see the baby now ? ' ' No , not yet , ' replied my friend . Growing very impatient , I asked , ' Well , when CAN I see the baby ? ' ' WHEN HE CRIES ! ' she told me . ' WHEN HE CRIES ? ' I demanded . ' Why do I have to wait until he CRIES ? ' ' BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM O . K . ? ! ! ' My hubby was out of town last night . I got both of the kids in bed , enjoyed some quiet time crocheting until about midnight , then I headed to bed myself . My son woke up about 2 : 30am and I rocked him back to sleep . I fell back asleep and before I knew it my alarm was going off at 8 : 20am . I had to get up but I sure didn 't want to . I waited a few more minutes and then climbed out of bed to get ready . Got my daughter up and she got dressed . I think by this time my son was awake too so I went and got him from his crib . Now you are probably wondering why this post is titled cereal and milk aren 't you ? Well , here is where that comes in . I gave both kids a cup of milk and some dry cereal while I made my daughter 's lunch for school . Got the lunch fixed to find that my son had dumped his bowl of cereal on the floor . Thankfully it was just dry cereal with no milk on it ! As I was cleaning that up , he dropped his sippy cup of milk which then rolled across the floor spilling drops of milk along the way . We were rushing around trying to get everything done so my daughter wouldn 't be late for school so I really didn 't have any extra time to be having to clean up cereal and milk . Got it all cleaned up and both kids ready . Out the door we went to walk my daughter to school . Well , my cereal and milk clean ups were not all done . We had no longer got back from the school and my son 's sippy cup leaked milk ALL over him , the floor , and the end table . It was just pouring out ! Apparently when he had dropped it and it rolled across the floor , the lid came loose and I didn 't realize it . When he tipped it up to drink from it , it just poured out . Of course , being one and a half he didn 't stop trying to drink out of it because it was leaking so I had a big mess to clean up . I myself , made a small mess of cereal and milk that I had to clean up too . I was walking out of the kitchen with my cereal and it spilled over the edge dropping a bit of it on the floor . Not even sure how I managed to spill it as my bowl wasn 't really any more full than usual butPosted by AND THE WINNER OF THE APRIL SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . RhisBitsAndBeads ! Congratulations ! RhisBitsAndBeads just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of May any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the May sales will be drawn on June 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So tonight I was changing my son 's dirty diaper . Talking out loud I said to him , " Whew , what did you eat ? " From behind me I hear my daughter say , " Mommy , you know what he ate . " I thought it was kind of a cute and funny moment worth writing about . So I just realized that it has been nearly a week , yes I said a week , since I last posted a blog post for you all to read ! Shame on me ! Wasn 't really sure what to write about tonight so I decided to write about my son . Aren 't kids always doing SOMETHING that gives us parents something to talk about ? Sometimes that something is cute and sometimes it is not . Well , my little guy has been getting into EVERYTHING here lately . It seems more so than usual too ! It 's like he bounces from one thing he isn 't suppose to have to another . Whether it be from playing with the tv , to getting into the cabinet with the movies , playing in my craft stuff , or his all time favorite - bothering the computers . He LOVES to play with the mouse at both my computer and my hubby 's computer . One of his other favorite things to do is get a hold of the phone whether it be the house phone or one of our cell phones . He tries to push buttons then hold it to his ear . At the young age of one and a half he apparently has already started to grasp the concept of a phone ! Boy , they sure do start out young don 't they ? When he isn 't getting into anything , my son is climbing on everything from the couch , to the end tables , and even hubby 's computer chair . We really have to keep a close eye on him . The little booger is quick too ! Definitely keeps us on our toes ! Sure do love the little guy though ! Wouldn 't trade him for anything ! So yesterday I posted about how my son and I didn 't get a whole lot of sleep on Monday night . Well , our Tuesday night was not much better ! Here 's how our night went : 10 : 15pm - Time I rocked him night night . 11 : 10pm - Time I went to bed . I heard him moving around and knew he 'd be waking up . 11 : 20pm - Sure enough he woke up ! He 'd only been in bed about an hour . 1 : 40am - He woke up once again . Yes , it had only been a little over two hours since the last time ! 4 : 10am - Why yes , how 'd you know ? He woke up AGAIN ! 8 : 20am - My alarm went off and I had to get up to get my daughter ready for school . 8 : 45am - He woke up on his own but I seriously thought I was going to have to wake him up again like I had to yesterday morning . I was getting things to fix my daughter 's hair and then I was planning to get him up . He woke up before I got her hair fixed so it worked out fine . I really didn 't want to have to wake him . I don 't like it when I have to wake him ! If you read my other blog post about not getting much sleep you would know that he basically held the same schedule two , yes TWO nights in a row ! Thankfully he rocked right back to sleep each and every time he woke up Tuesday night though unlike Monday night when one of the times he kept me up for an hour and a half . That was NO fun ! Hopefully he 'll start sleeping better at night REALLY soon ! Not sure what is waking him up but hope whatever it is will not continue to do so ! I had my son sitting in his high chair this morning with some dry cereal . Apple Jacks to be specific . Well , when he was sitting in the high chair all he was doing was playing with the cereal . Trying to crush it on the tray and sticking a lot of it down in the seat . He wasn 't really eating any of it . As soon as I took him out of the high chair , apparently he got hungry . He started taking pieces of the cereal off the tray and ate it . Go figure ! Guess it tasted better from outside of the high chair ! Last night was not so good for sleep for my son and myself . Here 's how our night went : 10 : 30pm - Time I rocked him night night . 11 : 30pm - He woke up and I rocked him back to sleep . Yes , he had only been in bed about an hour ! 1am - He woke up again and I rocked him back to sleep . Yep , he 'd only been in bed about an hour and a half this time ! 4am - You guessed it ! He woke up AGAIN ! This time he didn 't rock right back to sleep though like the other two times . I was up with him for nearly an hour and a half this time . 8 : 20am - The alarm went off and I had to get up to get my daughter ready for school . I did NOT want to get up ! 8 : 45am - Woke him up . Yes , you read that right . I had to wake him up in order to take my daughter to school this morning . I REALLY did not want to have to do that either after him not sleeping well all night long but I had no choice . It was SO hard to go in there and wake him once I finally got him sleeping good ! Here 's hoping tonight will be better ! Only time will tell ! This past weekend we had a friend come into town who hadn 't been here in awhile . We 'd seen him recently though as he lives where my hubby 's parents live but he hadn 't been to our house for quite some time . Well , with him in town , we decided to plan a get together with some family and friends . Saturday evening I made crab alfredo and garlic toast . My hubby also grilled some salmon and sausages . We had some other sides as well like lettuce salad , macaroni salad , and cottage cheese . Overall , a nice little meal . I think everyone was full ! We were up until like 3am . It was a very late night but we all had a lot of fun . I 'm way too old to be staying up THAT late very often . That is for sure ! Got this in an e - mail today and thought I would share it with you ! I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives . By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show , you too can find inner peace . Dr . Oz proclaimed , ' The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished . ' So , I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn 't finished , and before leaving the house this morning , I finished off a bottle of Merlot , a bottle of Tequila , a package of Oreos , the remainder of my old Prozac prescription , the rest of the cheesecake , some Doritos , and a box of chocolates . You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now ! Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace ! Posted by Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper 's butt crack ? If not , you 're wondering now ! So folks , always remember to wash your hands after handling money ! That 's my public service announcement for the day . Thank you very much ! Have a nice day ! So you have probably heard the line about how everyone will eat a certain number of spiders in their lifetime while they are sleeping right ? Do you believe it ? According to snopes . com this is not true . We do not eat spiders while sleeping ! Thank goodness ! So the other day I posted about something that made us all laugh SO hard I had tears in my eyes ! It involved my one and a half year old little boy and grass . For some reason he did not , and I mean did NOT want to touch the grass the other day when we were outside . If he was walking around and fell in the grass he absolutely refused to touch the ground to help him stand back up . He stayed on his knees and just tried to stand without any help . If he couldn 't get back up on his own WITHOUT touching the grass he would cry for someone to help him . The next day he was still not wanting to touch the grass . As you can see in the picture below when his hands got close to the grass he would make a fist so as not to have to touch it . Obviously this was probably WAY funnier if you were actually there to see it in person but I still thought you might enjoy reading about it ! He eventually started touching the grass a little bit but still didn 't seem too fond of it . I don 't know what he 'll do next time . We 'll just have to wait and see . I 'm always saying to my little boy , " You 're lucky you 're cute . " Most of the time it is when he is doing something he isn 't suppose to be doing but yet it is just a cute moment that you can 't help but smile . Know what I mean ? Well , the other day we were talking about getting a shirt made with a saying like that on it for my son . My daughter decided to share her idea for a shirt as well . I think she said the shirt should say something like , " I love my big sister and I 'm cute . " One of these days I 'm going to have to get a shirt made for him ! Happy Easter everyone ! Hope all of you had a wonderful Easter Day filled with family and friends ! We went to my grandparent 's house today for a big meal and an egg hunt for all the great grandchildren . It was a really nice family gathering because for the first time in I don 't know how long , the WHOLE family was there . This included my grandparents , their three daughters , all eight grandchildren , and all eight great grandchildren plus the spouses / other halves to the couples along with two whom were not family for a grand total of twenty - eight people ! Yes , it was a FULL house ! Luckily the weather was extremely beautiful so we could all be inside and outside making it a bit less crowded . I can 't remember how long it has been since EVERYONE came to a family get together like this so it made for an even more special day . Seems like there is usually SOMEONE not present for some reason or another . Hopefully we 'll be able to have the ENTIRE family at our next get together as well ! Only time will tell ! I have the best topic to post about but can 't yet ! Let 's just say it involves my one and a half year old little boy and grass . We were laughing SO hard earlier that I nearly had tears in my eyes ! I 'm hoping to get pictures to post when I fill you in on the details . Guess you 'll have to keep checking back to see what happened ! I know , I know ! I gave you popcorn and now you want the butter for it right ! How dare I post only tidbits and leave you hanging ? Is that what you are thinking ? I 'm sorry ! I wanted to post something today to give you SOMETHING to read ! Now you can all use your imagination to try and think of what happened . Then when I do post the full story you can see if you were right ! So you know how when you go to knock on someone 's door you ball up your fingers into a fist ? Well , picture an adorable one and a half year old doing his fingers like this and then " knocking " on your arm . Instead of just using one finger to tap / poke us , this is what my little guy does to get our attention . " Knocks " on us . He just started doing this the past few days and it is just way TOO cute ! AND THE WINNER OF THE MARCH SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . Bethnde1 ! Congratulations ! Bethnde1 just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of April any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the April sales will be drawn on May 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Today I am featuring a fellow Etsian who has not only been a wonderful repeat buyer to my Etsy shop but also has an Etsy shop of her own filled with beautiful jewelry that you just HAVE to go see ! The spotlight today is shining on EmBound . etsy . com The owner of this shop is also holding a giveaway that you should check out too ! Please visit her blog here for details on how to get yourself entered ! She has included items from many other fellow Etsians in her giveaway including one of my face scrubbies . Go get yourself entered ! You just may win ! Now don 't just look at her beautiful work shown in the pictures I have posted with this blog . Go to her shop and see all the other wonderful items she has for sale ! I don 't think you 'll be disappointed in what you find there ! I am LOVING the weather we are having ! Right now it is 78 degrees outside and just gorgeous ! We 've been having pretty nice weather since last week so I had already been able to walk to get my daughter from school in the afternoons but had still been driving her in the mornings . Well , yesterday and today the weather has been beautiful enough that we have walked TO school as well ! I am really beginning to think spring might have really sprung now ! Hip ! Hip ! Hooray ! So how do you teach a 6 year old not to worry about what others think ? What do you say to them ? Here 's the story behind what caused me to write this blog post . A few days ago while cleaning up around in the basement I found a bag of clothes one of my friends had given to us for our daughter awhile back . In the bag was a very nice pair of jean overalls . After we washed them I showed my daughter and we planned for her to wear them today since we would be going to my grandparents house . Now if you know my grandpa , you would know that he is known for wearing jean overalls nearly everyday . About the only time he is not in overalls is when we are having a family gathering or he and grandma are going out to eat . Well , this morning I nearly forgot our plan to have my daughter wear her overalls . I had actually told her she could wear a pair of her capris since the weather is going to be fantastic here again today . She remembered the overalls and wanted to wear them and also wanted her little brother to wear his too . She was wanting to show great grandpa that she and her brother had overalls just like him ! All decked out in overalls we walked to school . When we got there she wanted to leave her jacket on because she was worried what the other kids would think of her overalls . She had already commented about what if some of the kids were to laugh at her when we were still at home . When she wouldn 't take her jacket off at school I reminded her of what we had talked about at home . I had told her that it didn 't matter what others thought . If she liked the overalls that was all that mattered . I told her that if someone laughed to just tell them that she liked them . I told her to tell them that if they didn 't like them then they didn 't need to look at them . Not sure if that was really the right thing to tell her or not ? I think it is just sad how mean children can be . I know that this is just how it is but it seems like way back when I was in school the kids would tease and be mean but it seems like it didn 't start quite this early . SPosted by This is a bit past the holiday but still cute enough to share ! At least I think so ! Hope you will too ! Last week for St . Patrick 's Day my daughter made a lot of green decorations to tape up in our house . The picture shows just two of them . She made many ! I think there were ten total . The three leaf clover was something she made and colored at school . The leprechaun next to it she drew at home . She taped them both on the wall next to each other so it looked like the leprechaun was picking the clover . Her theory to making them and taping them up was so the house would not get pinched ! Well , yesterday was the third and final day of my daughter 's spring break from school . I didn 't get to get any extra sleep on any of the three days she was out of school . Thursday night we went to bed a bit later than normal and my son woke me up not once , but twice during the night . I think he was trying to get his last one year molar in . I felt his gums today and yay ! That last one year molar has FINALLY broke through so hopefully that will help him . At least for now , he still has more teeth to come in at some point but maybe he 'll get a small break between them . To top off my Thursday night 's sleep , hubby had to get up early on Friday to leave early for work so his alarm woke me at about 6 : 30am . I think I had just dozed back off when he woke me again at about 7am to let me know he was leaving . I didn 't mind him waking me again . We always do that so we can say I love you . I think I fell back asleep after that only to be woke up again around 8am by the dog barking . Darn dog ! Then about 9 : 05am my son was ready to be up for the day . I was a bit tired on Friday so we had a lazy day around our house . Stayed in our pj 's and just lounged around the house all day . The kids and I didn 't go anywhere until my hubby got home . He wanted to go get a car part so I showered and got dressed . I was tired ! While hubby was getting his car part I nearly fell asleep in the truck waiting on him ! Luckily last night my son slept nearly all night . He woke up once but went back to sleep on his own without needing to be rocked . That makes it so much easier for me to fall back asleep ! Here 's hoping he 'll sleep all night long tonight ! Only time will tell ! So today was the second day of spring break for my daughter from school . Did I get to sleep in today ? Nope ! The fact that I had a mid - morning doctor appointment and hubby was not going to work until I got back from the doctor ( which means his alarm did not need to be set this morning ) would make one think that everyone in my house would have got to sleep in this morning but that was NOT the case . Well , even though hubby didn 't NEED an alarm set this morning , he had one . At 7 : 55am his alarm went off . He forgot to disable it last night before going to bed . So much for sleeping in ! I won 't get to sleep in tomorrow either because hubby has to leave kind of early for work so when he gets up to get ready that will no doubt wake me up . Now , depending on if the kids wake up when he gets up will determine whether I actually have to get up or if I will get the chance to try and catch a bit more sleep . I won 't know until in the morning . Here 's hoping ! Wouldn 't you know it ? Today was the first day of spring break for my daughter from school and of course , not one but BOTH of my kids decided to get up earlier than they normally do on a regular school day . Go figure ! So obviously I didn 't get to sleep in as I had hoped . Guess that 's how it goes huh ? Oh the joys of parenthood ! I 've blogged about this topic before but today I am annoyed with it once again so I 'm going to share yet ANOTHER experience we had at the grocery with items NOT ringing up for the correct price ! Today we went to Hyvee to do some shopping . We seriously spend TOO much money at Hyvee and Wal - mart . Anyway , today we went to Hyvee because they had 2 liter bottles of pop on sale for $ . 39 each . Yes , we shouldn 't drink pop but umm . . . . we do . Well , obviously we didn 't just get the pop did we ? Nope ! We got a whole cart full ! As if we needed it ! My daughter LOVES Trix yogurt so I let her pick out a package of it today while we were shopping . When checking out , I noticed that it hadn 't rung up correctly . It was suppose to be $ 2 . 50 but it rang up for the regular price of $ 2 . 88 . Now I know this is only a $ . 38 difference but keep in mind that nearly EVERY time we shop at Hyvee SOMETHING doesn 't ring up right . All these little $ . 38 differences add up to a larger amount over time . I brought the wrong price to the attention of the cashier and she had the boy sacking our groceries go check on the price . He came back and told her that the price I said it should be was what the sign said , $ 2 . 50 each so she turned on her register light for a manager to come over . A manager came and she told him what was going on . He then took the yogurt off and we got it for free . Obviously that worked for me but if they would just make sure their pricing signs are correct they wouldn 't have to worry about this sort of thing . So , my hubby paid for our groceries and we went to our truck . Got everything in and started to drive home . I had hubby give me the receipt so I could look to make sure everything else rang up correctly . Wouldn 't you know it ! Something else rang up wrong ! We needed a loaf of bread to make sandwiches for my daughter 's lunches next week for school . When looking at all the bread we decided on the Iron Kids kind . It was a bit more than the store brand but the date was further out so we decided to pay a bit more based on the date . Well , we didPosted by Today was an absolutely gorgeous day out ! At about 3 : 45pm , I got the stroller out , got my son seated in it , and walked up to get my daughter from school . I think the temperature was about 64 degrees . Completely beautiful ! Made for a very nice little walk . I am SO glad the weather is becoming nicer and warmer . I miss being able to walk up to get my daughter from school . Not only did I miss the better weather but it is also SO much easier to walk than it is to drive . The lines of cars can be VERY long if you don 't get to the school at the perfect time . Hooray ! I really think spring is truly right around the corner ! Can you tell I 'm ready for it ? I 've been waiting and waiting and waiting ! Yesterday while at Wal - mart I purchased some cards of buttons for my hand towels I sell in my Etsy shop . Today while I was sitting on the couch sewing on buttons , my little guy climbed up next to me . He sat there for the longest time putting the cards of buttons in the bag I was keeping them in . After he would get them in the bag he would take them back out only to put them back in again . I don 't know how long he did this for but it was quite awhile . Who needs toys when you can play with mommy 's craft things ! On Tuesday nights at our house we usually watch the tv show called The Biggest Loser . If we happen to have to be out and about on a Tuesday night , we try to remember to set the timer on the VCR to record it so we can watch it when we get the chance . Yes , I said VCR . We do not live in the wonderful world of Tivo or DVR 's or whatever the " new " technology is today . We still have the good old fashioned VCR for recording our favorite shows . Well , last night we were home to watch it and had been waiting for it to be on since it had been a few weeks due to the Olympics being on . Most of the time on Tuesday nights , for some strange reason , we usually eat the most unhealthiest meal . Go figure ! Well , last night we actually didn 't eat too badly compared to normal anyway . My hubby apparently felt guilty that we had eaten healthier . He came and sat down beside me on the couch . He then said something like , " I feel bad . Want one ? " In his hand was a package of chocolate ho - ho 's . So much for our semi - healthy supper , huh ? AND THE WINNER OF THE FEBRUARY SALES DRAWING IS . . . . . . . . UxCritter ! Congratulations ! UxCritter just won a gift certificate to our shop ! YOU COULD BE NEXT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! MONTHLY DRAWING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! For the entire month of March any and all purchases no matter how big or small will get your name put into a drawing to win a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate to our shop ! Buy one item , get your name in the drawing once ! Buy two items , get your name in the drawing twice ! And so on ! One name from all the March sales will be drawn on April 1st ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good luck to everyone ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Seems like every time I think we are going to have a free weekend with nothing to do , something always comes up . This past Thursday night our weekend was completely free of everything until I came home and had a message from a friend . I returned her call to find out we were invited over for nachos Friday night and to hang out with a group of our friends . Of course , we were going to go . Seems like all of us don 't get together enough so when the opportunity arises we take hold of it . Then Friday morning when walking my daughter to her classroom at school , we are stopped by the mom of one of the girls in my daughter 's class . They had invited my daughter to a Build - a - Bear birthday party but since we hadn 't RSVP 'd the mom was wondering if my daughter was going to be able to go . We hadn 't quite decided yet and I thought I still had some time . When I got home and looked again at the invite I realized the party was Sunday , just two days away . Guess that is why she was wondering if anyone was coming . Apparently she hadn 't heard from any of the five kids invited . So after talking with my hubby when he got home from work Friday night , our Sunday now had something planned for it too . That left us with our Saturday free . Well , that didn 't happen either . We ended up doing a bit of grocery shopping in the morning and then in the afternoon I went to spend some time with my mom . I have so much I need to do around my house and I keep thinking I will get a lot of it done on the weekends but it doesn 't get done . Seems like the weekends come and go yet my to do list doesn 't get any smaller . Guess that is just how it goes ! Last weekend we went up to Wal - mart to get a few things and saw some people who in our opinion were not dressed appropriately for the weather . Now maybe it was just us but we didn 't think that our 39 degrees we were having that day was a heat wave that made it warm enough for summery type apparel . On the way to Wal - mart we drove past someone jogging who was wearing shorts . Obviously they were going to get warm from jogging but shorts ? Not quite sure they would get THAT warm ? Once we got to Wal - mart we saw someone else wearing shorts . Now this person was not jogging so maybe it was laundry day ? We also saw someone wearing a pair of flip - flops . Now I don 't know about you but my toes would have been FROZEN if I had been wearing flip - flops . I guess without actually asking someone you will never know why people wear a particular item of clothing / shoes . Just makes you wonder though when you see things like this . My 6 year old has apparently decided she wants to wear deodorant . I haven 't decided yet if I will be buying her her own yet or not . Yesterday and today she has wanted to wear deodorant to school . I think it is because she knows I put it on everyday . It is so funny how kids want to do what you do ! I remember back when she was like 2 or 3 years old . She would take the deodorant out of the drawer in the bathroom , lift her shirt , and rub it on her tummy . This was her equivalent to rubbing it under her arms . Too cute ! Meet Donna , from the Etsy shop mystuff2 ! Her shop can be found here . She sells bookmarks , greeting cards , and gift tags . I chose her to be . . . So everyone always says boys are harder to potty train than girls . I haven 't quite decided if I agree with this theory or not . We have o . . . Isn 't it funny and cute how kids can be SO proud of some of the things they do ? My son is good at doing this . A few weeks ago , he came . . . |
Gifted Hands - the story of Ben Carson . We rented it from the Redbox . It is based on the book by the same name . Ben Carson is a pediatric brain surgeon who started out with learning problems . His single mom required that Ben and his brother go the extra mile in their schooling , and the world now sees the end result of all their hard work . I think we need to watch it every year , to remind us of the connection between hard work and making a difference in the world . Preparation for our kid 's Christmas program was easy this year . We are repeating the same show we did last year . We had a one hour practice and we were ready . We had most of the props from the last performance . We didn 't get to the point where everyone was sick of practicing . It was nice to give the kids and parents something to look forward to . One Mom is supposed to be coming and she has never been to church , even though her kids have been coming for two years . I am excited and praying that she makes it . One of the head rests in our van has a chunk of foam carved out of it . I have never seen a pocket knife in any of my kids ' hands and none of my kids sat in that seat the time that it had to have happened . The person that was sitting there during that time was found with a pocket knife , but denies that he did it . So why would we be spending time with a destructive , lying juvenile ? Because that is what God has called us to do . I am not sure how we will handle the situation , but when I see the chunk of missing foam , I will pray for the boy . His salvation is more important than our van headrest . What 's new at my house ? Fallball - Levi and Mandi are playing baseball and Dick is coaching both teams . We are at the ball field 5 or 6 days a week . The Maker 's Diet - I went on the Maker 's Diet . The first three days were miserable . Once I passed that hurdle , I loved the results . Joint pain went away . I had much more energy and positive outlook on life . My skin cleared and no headaches . Now I am on a modified version of the diet and it seems to be a good balance for me . I love seeing Mandi 's toothless grin . She lost her top front tooth two days after she discovered it was loose . She is a determined girl . Grace has braces . She is doing great for a girl with sensory integration issues . For the first time since we started homeschooling , I have been writing lesson plans and chore plans for the kids . We have been accomplishing more school and more chores are getting done . I discovered it is frugal to clean your house . We found the missing library book , several new socks , Mandi 's missing favorite skort , shoes , and Olivia 's favorite toys under Olivia 's bed . Now I don 't have to spend money to replace those items . For the first time in my married life , I handed out candy on Halloween . I have never wanted to celebrate Halloween , but decided to embrace the opportunity to connect with the kids in my neighborhood . We gave out a Christian music cd , The Lads Band , to each family that came and had Christian music playing . It was really fun and I am looking forward to next year . I walked 4 1 / 2 miles in one day . I heard my dad say that if you walked 3 miles , any stress you were feeling would go away . I was having some unexplained anxiety , so I thought I would try it . I decided to walk around the baseball field near my house . I walked what I thought was 3 miles , but it was really 4 1 / 2 . I had a wonderful time with the Lord and most of the anxiety was lifted . God gave me these two verses to stand on ; The life I live in the body , I live by faith in the Son of God , who loved me and gave himself for me Gal . 2 : 20God has not given us a spirit of fePosted by We took Rosie to the vet for the last time . It was time to say goodbye . The kids were ok with it because they had been around her long enough to know that we had done all that we could do . I am thanking God that the kids enjoyed her so much the last year of her life . Posted by Olivia was 3 years old when this was taken . Now at 4 years old , she can swim the length of an Olympic size swimming pool and back , thanks to Infant Swimming Research . She started lessons at 13 months old . Posted by Here 's what we are doing this year . Everyone Bible - Children 's Church memory verses Reading aloud portions that go with History Grapevine studies ( maybe later in the year ) Studying morals and manners with the Book of VirtuesHistory - The Mystery of History vl . 1 ( finishing finally ) Geography - the Usborne Internet linked Children 's atlasScience - Great Science Adventures - The World of Light and Sound The Periodic Table of Elements - How to Teach Science NewsletterPiano - I am teaching them using Alfred 's Teach Yourself to play Electronic Keyboard , Musicademy Modern Worship for Keyboards , and Simply Music ( I just ordered this and am anxious to try it out . ) Poetry - Poetry memorization from Favorite Poems Old and NewTyping - Dance Mat TypingArt - Art lessons at a local library , Creativity Express Computer gameCooking - Cooking class at the same local libraryGrace Right now , my mom is working with Grace on her math and language . She is using various books and curriculum . Both my mom and I feel like this is going to be the year that Grace makes great advances in her learning ! Levi - Language Arts - The Grammar Key This is online and I love it ! Spelling Workout 6th grade Handwriting Without Tears Reading - I am still deciding on this . Right now I am assigning him science reading and quizzing him for comprehension . Math - Rod and Staff 6thScience - Crime Scene Investigations This is a curriculum meant for a classroom , so we will be adapting it . Electronic Snap Circuits Student Guide ( Hands - on Program for Basic Electricity and Electronics ) So far , he loves this ! Mandi - Language Arts - Rod and Staff English 2 and 3 Handwriting without Tears I am still looking for reading comprehension and vocabulary and / or spelling . Math - MEP mathematics 2nd and 3rdI will be adding Wordly Wise or Getaclue . com for vocabulary for Levi and Mandi . Two fun learning games we have been playing are Monopoly Jr ( adding small numbers ) and Totally Gross - The Science Game . Posted by Rosie injured her back while playing with the kids on July 7th . Whe stayed at a friend 's house for 3 weeks , then we brought her home . When she came home , she was able to stand for about 30 seconds if we propped her up . She would occaisionally move her legs and her tail . Now , she can stand about 1 min . We still have to prop her up and we are supposed to do it several times a day . I did some research and found out that water therapy is very helpful for parylized dogs . So we borrowed a horse feeding trough and have attempted therapy with her . What we do is fill the container up just so that Rosie 's back legs are extended , she is standing on her front legs , and her back is floating at a level position . Then we entice her with treats to make her walk from one end of the container to the other , over and over . The first day we did therapy , she shook her hind quarters for the first time . She was shaking herself dry and I had only seen her shake the front part of her body before . That was an encouraging sign . We do have some concerns about Rosie . One is that she has developed sores in several places from when she drags herself . I put triple antibiotic cream on them , but they continually stay raw . And I don 't know that getting them wet from the therapy 2 a day is good for them . I haven 't seen Rosie move either leg in a while . I don 't know if she just doesn 't want to , or if she can 't . I am concerned that one leg may be atrophying . It just doesn 't look right . The other leg seems stronger . Any ideas for the wounds or how to do the water therapy ? " Mommy , what does it feel like to be a Mommy ? " After I told her she was loud , she whispered , " Mommy , I 'm not always loud . " When I was complaining about a boy leaving his things at our house and threatening to send it all to Good Will , " Well , if it was his favorite , he wouldn 't have left it here . " When we were discussing what time we would get up for school everyday , " We get up when we get up . " When I asked her about a book that she had checked out and the library said we had not returned it , she said this . " It is yellow and it is on the shelf at the library . " And she was right ! It was ! I love talking to my 4 year old girl ! ! To all of you who signed up for Swagbucks with my referral code , THANKS ! I will soon be able to get a $ 30 gift card for Target or Amazon . I think I am going to wait until I get to $ 50 so I can get free shipping from Target . I think I will buy new bath towels since I have destroyed so many caring for Rosie . We had a great day , even though it was hot and crowded . We rode most of the rides we wanted to , thanks to the fast passes and found air conditioning when we got too hot . Posted by We are bringing Rosie home tomorrow . She still can not walk , but is gaining strength in her legs . She has moved her tail several times . She has been to the vet twice a week and he is continuing to see improvement . We still do not know exactly what happened ( we chose not to do x - rays ) , but the doctor says he has seen dogs snap out of this . He says it might just take some time , like maybe 6 weeks . It has been 3 weeks so far . So we are bringing her home and this is what it means I will be doing ( with some help from the kids ) . - Lifting her up and positioning her on her hind legs several times a day . - Helping her and cleaning up after her when she needs to go potty . She has control , just can 't get outside in time . - Making sure she is clean and dry , giving her a bath every other day . Checking for rubbed areas on her back legs and applying antibiotic ointment as needed . - Letting her scoot on the carpeted porch and in the grass ( doctor prescribed ) Thanks for the prayers . I have hope that she will one day walk again . She is happy and is glad to see us when we visit and sad when we leave . I think she will be glad to be home . Our basset hound , Rosie , is paralyzed in her back legs . Last Tuesday , she was playing with the kids and did something to her back . She immediately yelped in pain and went into shock . She is on pain meds and is staying at a friends house . They rescue animals and are used to dealing with sick animals . We all miss her so much . We are praying and waiting for her healing and return to our house . I don 't remember where we went or how old I was , and I don 't think my parents had any idea the lesson that I was learning . We were on our way home , probably from my grandparents house . I think I was around 10 years old . I think we were on an interstate in Georgia when our car broke down . I was excited . I couldn 't wait to see how God would take care of us this time . He had done it before , and I knew He would that He would do it again . I know we must have immediately started praying and here is how God answered . At our last rest stop , my parents had met a Christian family that lived near our hometown . They saw us on the side of the road and pulled over to help . I was so excited that we would get to ride the rest of the way home in their conversion van . They had kids that we got to play with the rest of the way home , while mom and dad chatted with their parents . I always remember that God worked it out for us to have the right people at the right place at the right time to make sure that we were protected and taken care of . I never forgot that feeling of security and comfort from my Heavenly Father . I found a way to make money by doing what I am already doing everyday , searching the internet . I signed up for Swagbucks and use it as my search engine . The more I use it , the more points I get . Then when I have enough points , I will go shopping in the Swagbucks store . I am planning on getting either the Target or Amazon gift cards . They are 45 points for $ 5 gift cards . I am hoping to be able to redecorate my house with the gift cards . Maybe not redecorate , but buy new towels or kitchen gadgets . I have made Swagbucks my home page and taught everyone in the family to search with Swagbucks , even if they are just checking their email . If you decide to join , click here . I will get get bonus points if you join from my referral . Thanks if you join , and I hope you get lots of points . This week we are eating the $ 45 emergency menu from Hillbillyhousewife . com . There is no emergency in our household . I just wanted to see how we would like the menu and if we could do it . The $ 45 amount is really 2006 prices and now it is about $ 75 . But really it is less than that because she included items like salt and pepper and ketchup . It is a weeks worth of beans and bread . We are on day 5 and I have to say that the meals have been tasty and had variety . I am shocked that all my kids have eaten all or most of their beans at every meal . Last night we had creamed tuna over pasta , but only half of my family ate it . Everything is from scratch , so I have spent a little more time in the kitchen . I made flour tortillas for the first time and they were delicious . I also made skillet corn cakes for the first time . We have not followed the menu exactly , but mostly . We have eaten what we usually eaten for breakfast , but I did add a glass of orange juice every morning . That has been a hit around here . We added sausage to the beans one night because we had company and didn 't want to give them just beans . We also made the Magic Milkshake recipe that I found on the website . It is like the Wendy 's frosty and you make it without ice cream . It was really tasty . This is also the website that I used to learn how to make bread . She has a beginner 's bread recipe that is very easy . Yesterday , each one of my kids did something that surprised me . When we first started homeschooling , I had a picture of what schooling would be like at my house . As the days turned into months , it was so hard not to get get discouraged . My kids were no where near what I had envisioned . Years have gone by , and somehow , little by little , my kids are turning into the students I had pictured in my mind . And yesterday , each one of them took a big step in that direction . It all started when we attempted our first lapbook . I have always loved the concept of lapbooking , but didn 't think it would work in our house . A class they are taking online , included a lapbook , so I decided to try one . Well , first off , they were arguing who was going to do the cover , so I found out that they each wanted to do their own . Then , Levi , the one who I thought would not want to do it the most , took great pride in how his looked . He thoughtfully decorated it and them lamented that he did not have a picture of the scientist . I tried to contain my joy as I told him that he could find a picture and he could add anything he wanted to add . The next thing I knew , he had printed a picture and was saying , " Mom , this guy discovered lots of elements . He even discovered oxygen . " I was so excited , I almost cried . Next , Mandi piped up , " Wow ! He must be the most famous scientist ever ! " And later , she said , " Mom , I know how to spell ' discovered ' . I memorized it . " She still wanted me to write hers for her , ( I didn 't ) but she was learning so much by being a part of the process . Grace struggled to get started . It was a new thing for her , so it is normal for her to have a hard time , but by the end she was enjoying it . She told me that she wanted to start writing history reports . I swallowed hard and replied , " Yes , you can start doing that . In fact , I already had that planned for next year . " Later , Grace surprised me again . We were at a friends house , learning about bats . Grace had a piece of paper and was writing on it while the friend was reading aloud about baPosted by I failed to mention in my last post , that Dick and I have a goal of saving a certain amount of money in a certain amount of time . When I saw how much we were able to put in the bank because of not eating out , it inspired me to try to save in other areas . So , the extreme saving is not a permanent way of life for us . It is more like a challenge we have given our selves . I 'm sure that we will learn from this time and continue in some areas and not in others . In the past few months , we have been able to put money in the bank and use some of it to go on a trip to GA , and buy a computer . In the next few months , we will be buying some vinyl fence and Grace and I will buy some new clothes for our birthday . Dick and I have always been frugal , but up until about a year ago , it was normal for us to go out to eat once or twice a week . Then two weeks went by and we had not gone out to eat . We decided to go for 2 more weeks and not go out to eat , just to see what it was like . It was not easy , but we kept reminding our selves , it is only until the 2 weeks is over . Once we were at the end of the 2 weeks , we realized that we were OK with not going out to eat , we actually preferred the food that we cooked and would like to keep eating at home . Little did I know the effect that it would have on me . I began to compare the cost . I found that it cost at least 3 times as much to eat the same meal at a restaurant . So any time I would think about eating out , I would think long and hard about how much effort it really took to cook the meal myself . Most of the time , I chose to cook it and save the money . Instead of feeling disenfranchised , I felt empowered . I was in control of where we spent our money , not the marketing department of some restaurant . I began to think about how I spent our money in other areas . I have always shopped at yard sales and thrift stores , but still would feel the need to buy new clothes for my kids . I decided to check at thrift stores when my kids needed clothes and if I still couldn 't find it , then I could buy it new . I found a thrift store that sells kids clothes for 25 cents and started going about once a week . Now I rarely buy new clothes for my kids . Also , I found that if I didn 't rush out and buy the needed item , many times a friend would just so happen to give me a bag of clothes that had just what we needed . When I needed an item for the house , I slowed down and thought about where I could get it used . For instance , our vacuum cleaner broke and I decided not to go to the nearest store and buy a new one . I prayed that God would guide me to the vacuum cleaner that we needed . Just about the time I broke open the bank to buy a new one , I found an old one on the side of the road . All it needed was a belt anPosted by Last month , my father in law mentioned that his power bill was back down to $ 50 where it should be . I asked him how he did that because my power bill is never less than $ 100 and that is even with the air conditioner not running . He said he doesn 't use his clothers dryer . I thought , " Wow , if I could save $ 50 a month , I 'd hang my clothes out to dry , too . " I decided to give it a try , thinking it was going to be very inconvenient , but worth a try . The first day , I was excited , thinking about the money I might be saving . As the days went by , I started to see some amazing benefits of not using the dryer . First , I started to notice that some of the clothes we were wearing were not worth the effort it took to wash them . I started getting rid of even more clothes than I already did . I began to see the laundry as individual items , instead of a load of clothes that I put in the dyer . Next , I noticed that laundry was not piling up on the couch , waiting to be put away . I did not want the clothes to stay out in the sun too long or stay outside and get dirty all over again , so I always brought them in and put them away . I began to have a better laundry routine . I needed to get them out in the morning sun , so I could put them away by lunch time , other wise I would forget about them , or get too distracted . So every morning I was quick to get a load done and out on the line . I even made sure to do a load before I left the house for the day , because I wouldn 't be able to do it at night . And I didn 't want the laundry to back up . I enjoyed an excuse to get outside . I had just read Amy Grant 's memoir , and she said that every day , the first thing in the morning , she step outside and talked to God . I found myself doing the same thing , and feeling refreshed . Today , I am doubly blessed . I opened my power bill to find a $ 59 bill . I really didn 't think it was right . I checked and double checked . It was for a 30 day cycle and appears to be accurate . Who knows what our bill will be next month , because I have only been hanging out the clothes for Posted by Whenever I hear this song , ( see the previous post ) I am transported to several times in my life that were " desperate days " . I learned early in life , that there was power in the name of Jesus and that if I could pray nothing else , just saying his name was more than sufficient . One of the earliest times I remember was on a sleepless night as a teenager . I was anxious and could not even put my thoughts together to pray . I remember lying in bed , just saying His name over and over . Now I realize that it was an act of surrender and an act of humility . I was " screaming from my soul . . . giving up control . The only hope I knew was Jesus . " A few years later , I was a college student and had just heard that a very good friend 's dad was in a serious car accident . I couldn 't talk , all I could do was cry the name of Jesus . Another time , I was in the delivery room having Levi . I was not prepared to have Levi without an epidural , but was forced to do it because of timing . I called out repeatedly the name of Jesus . I heard the doctor chuckle and tell me , " He can 't help you now . " I later found out that he was not a Christian , and he was not right ! Jesus did help me ! The last major time that comes to mind is when I found out that Olivia 's cord had prolapsed . I was on my knees with an oxygen mask on my face . Again , all I could say was " Jesus " over and over . My doctor was on the bed , too , frantically trying to keep pressure off the cord , giving orders to everyone . She took the time to ask , " What is she saying ? " I had the feeling she knew that I was praying and she was glad that I was . So as I sing along with the song , " Any desperate day , one word I can pray , all I know to say is Jesus . " I mean it with all my heart . . . . buy these books , A Child 's Introduction to Poetry by , Michael Driscoll and Favorite Poems Old and New by Helen Ferris . I have always wanted my kids to have a love for poetry but didn 't really know how to start . A few years ago , I read that the book by Michael Driscoll was a good overview . I didn 't want to buy it if we wouldn 't use it , so I requested an interlibrary loan and got it . I just started from the beginning and read it to my kids . Some of it went over their heads , some they discovered that they did not like , but they did become familiar with different styles and different writers . It is now in our library system and I have checked it out 3 more times . I hate it when I have to return it . I have also heard from more than one person that Favorite Poems Old and New is a comprehensive collection of classic and quality poetry . Again , I did not want to buy it if we would not use it , so I checked it out . The introduction to the book was fabulous . I had goose bumps as I read the author 's description of her family 's love of poetry and how it enriched their lives . That was what I envisioned for my kids . I started by calling Mandi , my poetry lover , over to look at this book . I read her part of the introduction , showed her the table of contents then we both picked out a few interesting ones to check out . She was hooked . Especially when I read her " Casey at the Bat " . The next night , as we skimmed the table of contents , Mandi said , " Look Mom , Emily Dickinson ! And there 's Robert Louis Stevenson ! " Then , she earnestly searched for more familiar authors . I tried to get her to give me the book so we could start reading , but she wanted to keep searching . I finally showed her how long the table of contents was , over 2000 poems , I think , and she said , " I 'll finish looking next time . " So what I have been doing and plan on doing , is reading poems aloud to my kids that have to do with something we have enjoyed that day or recently . Then , when we find one that we particularly like , memorize it together . My plan is to read lots ofPosted by I declared a T . V . free day . I think 4 y / o Libby has been watching too much t . v . On the day that I said no to it , I overheard here asking her siblings if they remembered when John and Kate went to get their teeth cleaned . When I questioned her , she went into detail about their trip to the dentist . We spent Libby 's birthday in the snow ! We were on a ski trip in NC . The kids played in the woods behind the hotel . There was only about 3 inches in the shade , but it was fun for our Florida kids . Libby liked picking it up and putting it in a bucket . At first , all she would do was walk around in it because it felt different and she liked her foot prints . My kids have been having so much fun with our dog , Rosie , lately . Levi has been taking lots of pictures and video of her . I think he wants to make a card or a movie of her . This one made us laugh ! The last words Mandi said before she went to sleep were , " I had so much fun today ! " It was opening day for her baseball league and they played their first game . She waited quite a long time to get her face painted and it was her idea to get her team emblem and her number on her face . She has moved up to machine pitch instead of coach pitch , so she struck out for the first time today , but she was okay with it . She even had to play outfield for the first time and she would much rather play infield , but she 's still lovin ' it ! Posted by I just finished reading Fruitless Fall : The Collapse of the Honey Bee and the Coming Agricultural Crisis . It tells the story of the mystery of colony collapse disorder and the bigger story of how necessary bees are to our lives . It is written in the form of investigative journalism and is full of details and easy to read . Of course , I was ready to start bee keeping as I was reading the book , until I really thought of all that it would entail . I don 't want to get stung by bees or have that many creatures to look after . I am still fascinated by bees and am now much more aware of their place in nature . I do recommend it , especially if you are a nature loving , homeschool mom like me . There is a new game show on t . v . called , Game Show in My Head . The idea is that the player has hidden headphones on and is hearing instructions from the host , to accomplish a difficult task in a short time . If they do , they win money . For , instance , one contestant was supposed to stand at a the entrance to a restaurant and convince a person that was trying to enter , that they were not allowed to go in the restaurant . Usually , people just look at them like they are crazy . Yesterday , Levi said he felt like he was on that game show . Here is what happened . The kids and I were on our way to a cookout with some friends . We were short on time and I needed to buy gas and pick up some potato chips . I stopped at a convenience store , prepaid for the gas and bought the chips . I put the chips in the car and drove off without getting the gas . I realized what I had done just as I was driving down the road . I decided to pull in to the shopping center next to the gas station , only to see that I could not get there from here . I sat there looking at the empty pump , and knew that it was going to take a few minutes to get back there , because of how the road was designed . I was going to have to drive down the road a bit , do a u - turn , and then wait at a light . I sent Levi to tell the attendant what I had done and that I was on my way . He took off and soon I saw him standing at the pump . I watched him as I tried to make my way back . Everything was ok until I watched him from the light . A car drove up to the pump . I started praying that Levi would know what to do . I saw him talking to the man and things didn 't look right . The man just stood there . He should have been getting back into his car , but he just stood there . Then he leaned in to talk to the passenger in his car . As I was finally driving up , I waved at the man and motioned , " It 's me ! " He walked over to me and laughed as I told him I forgot to get the gas that I had paid for . Levi later told me , the man seemed perplexed as he tried to explain . He also said he felt like he was on tPosted by Sunday , I fed 15 people for about $ 6 ! Sav - a - lot had everything for a spaghetti dinner BOGO . So we had spaghetti , salad , and garlic bread . I knew that on Sunday afternoon , we sometimes have neighborhood kids eat with us , so I bought it just in case . So , not only did I have fun being frugal , I had a blast serving the people that God had placed in my life to serve . Nothing could have felt more right . There is nothing I love more than being used by God ! ! ! I have been having fun being frugal in the kitchen the past few weeks . I have been thinking about how many baby steps ( Thanks for reminding me about baby steps , Ann Marie ! ) I have had to take to get to the place that I am now . I 've still got a long way to go , but I am much better than I was 18 years ago when we got married . I like rules and I realized that over the years , I have compiled several rules for myself that give me some guidelines for being frugal in the kitchen . They are not hard and fast rules , just general ones and I go through times when it is all I can do to keep my kids fed . - It is always cheaper to eat at home than at a restaurant . - Plan ahead . One week at a time . - Meal planning steps . 1 . Check to see if I have any items that need to be used up . Google ingredients to find a recipe . 2 . Check store circulars online . 3 . Check my running list of favorites and choose what sounds good . 4 . Choose one or two new frugal recipes online or in cookbooks . - Learn to make convenience foods from scratch . bread biscuits frozen breakfast foods muffins pizza dough and sauce chicken nuggets refried beans - Use dry beans instead of canned . - Freeze chicken or turkey broth when it is available . - Shop at Sav - a - lot . - Beans once or twice a week . - Only buy meats ( other than hamburger and chicken ) when they are on sale - Get grocery money in cash and only spend that much . - Only go out to eat if you have left over grocery money . ( Usually I don 't want to spend the money I saved , so we don 't go out to eat . ) - Don 't serve a meal too often or it will become despised . - Eat homemade popcorn instead of potato chips . - Serve leftovers for lunch . - Make snacks out of leftover ingredients . for example celery carrots saltines - Get kids on board by showing them the money we save by the sacrifices they made , like eating beans instead of going out to eat . Occasionally , give one of them a bonus from the money saved and use the saved money toward a family treat , like a trip or electronic device . - Always remember , a meal doesn 't save any money if no one willPosted by A few days ago , I was cooking supper , and one of the " good " kids was at our house . He peeked over my shoulder and asked me , " So what ya ' cookin ' ? " I told him and he said it sounded good . He proceeded to ask me why I homeschooled my kids , how long have I homeschooled them , how long have we lived in this house , where did we live before that , why did we move , what kind of house was it , who bought it , how much did we sell it for , and what did we do with all that money ? I answered each one as best as I could and told him that the Dick had fixed up our last house until it was almost perfect and now we needed to fix this house up . He looked around and said , " What is wrong with it ? " I then pointed at the floor in the laundry room , the one coat of paint on the walls , the unpainted trim work , and explained that we wanted to redo the kitchen and the bathroom cabinets . He said , " Oh , I see . " Then he asked for a drink of water and a few minutes later he left . Later that night , I was talking to another mother who told me the boy I had talked to was recently living in a tent in the woods with his brother , his mother , and her boyfriend . And now they were living in an r . v . Now my conversation had so much more significance . I was thinking that my house was inadequate and we need to get it fixed up as soon as possible and he wondered what was wrong with it . Our house probably seemed like a mansion to him . Something unattainable . My heart has been aching for him and so many other kids that I can not help . I can not provide physical needs for all the kids that I meet , but I am determined to point them to the One who can meet all their needs , no matter what this life brings them . They need more than anything the One who can do what no man can do , bring them into the kingdom of God , which is righteousness , peace and joy . I love any book I 've read by Deborah Hopkinson . The first one I read was Apples to Oregon . I liked it so much , I searched for any other books by the same author . So when I saw that our library had a new book by her , I couldn 't wait to read it to my kids . Abe Lincoln Crosses a Creek is a historical fiction picture book , based on true events . It is the tale of one of Lincoln 's boyhood friends and how he saved Lincoln 's life . It is funny and inspiring and it is in our library system . Check it out ! A few weeks ago , one of our neighborhood boys was playing at our house . He has adhd and was being particularly impulsive . It seemed as if everything he touched either broke or was lost . It was so bad , that even the kids didn 't want to be around him . He is one of those " good " kids that I have written about . A person that I feel God has put in my life to fight for . But this day , it was all I could do not to fight with him and tell him to leave my house . He wasn 't really doing anything bad , just so full of thoughtless energy . So I left the house to get groceries and put Dick in charge of the kids . When I got home I found my kids playing with handmade puppets with this boy . He was making puppets for each of them and they had made props and were having a grand time . But , these puppets were made out of socks , and not just any socks . They were our good socks . The ones that had just come out of the wash , some of them brand new . So , I let them have it and of course every one pointed to the boy . It was his fault . I proceeded to ask him if he knew how much socks cost . He said no . I told him we did not have the money to be wasting the only good socks we have . I reminded him that I had told him this before and he was not to ever do this again . He said he was sorry as he handed Libby her freshly made puppet which she was thrilled with . Later that night , it hit me . I had put more value in those cheep socks , that maybe added up to $ 5 than in one of God 's prized possessions , the crown of His creation . And really , it was a wholesome way for a 12 year old boy to spend his time . I mean , I have seen him hanging around some pretty rough people and who knows what they do when no one 's watching . I went to to boy and told him that I really liked to see them being creative . So I was going to make a bag of socks for him to use the next time he wanted to make sock puppets and would he please use those socks instead of the first socks he sees . He said yes and the next day in church , he told the whole children 's church that I was going to give hiPosted by I am reading Emil and the Detectives to the kids . Last week , a passage in the book really touched me , because it reminded me of my Levi . In the book , Emil is taking the train to his grandma 's house . On the way , a man steals the money he is supposed to take to his grandma . He decides that he will catch the thief himself , and enlists the help of the local children . One of the boys asks Emil about how he gets along with his mom . Emil says she lets him stay out until 9 , but he comes by 7 because he can 't stand the thought of her eating by herself . He says that she gives him money for a field trip and he always brings most of it back , because he knows how hard she works for the little money she has . That is what reminded me on Levi . He is thoughtful . Then , we went to a birthday party on 80 + acres . He asked me if he could go in the woods with some of the kids . I said yes and when he got back he said , " Mom , did you know which woods I was talking about ? I was worried that you didn 't know . " Later , he went with a group of kids to another part of the property . About 15 kids piled into a Suburban with 1 adult . When they reached their destination , everybody jumped out and Levi asked the adult , " Maybe we should get a head count . " The adult said , " That 's a good idea . " Then when they took a group picture , Levi said , " I think now would be a good time for a head count . " I also heard that Levi was taking good care of Mandi the whole time , just like his dad told him to do before we left . I left the party , feeling proud of my " Thoughtful Child " . |
This month started out pretty horrible . I had strep throat . Once I was feeling better , I hurt my back while pulling weeds in the garden . I literally spent over a week sleeping and lying around . I feel fortunate to have independent children , a hubby who is able to take a day of vacation anytime and a wonderful doctor friend who will see me in her office on her day off and again on the weekend . I wouldn 't have been able to get better as quickly without her ! That week did a number on my brain too . I haven 't recovered from that lost week yet ! Henry has this great friend , Micheala , who he sat next to in school , they played together , helped each other with projects and giggled a lot together . Micheala invited Henry to her birthday party at the pool . Every day we counted down the days until the day before the party . Henry helped me pick out the fabric for this bag to give to her , because she LOVES pink ! Jack and Eddie did a fabulous job dropping the tree away from the house and garage . Jack put his chain saw in a " safe " place . The tree landed perfectly on our wood pile and did not damage the chainsaw ! We have an awesome firewood pile . Charlie thinks we won 't have to make firewood for a couple more years . I didn 't have the heart to tell him we make firewood for future years , not the coming winter . This wood is what we will burn , not this winter , next winter ( 2015 - 16 ) and hopefully some will be left for the following winter ( 2016 - 17 ) . The weekend was over … On Sunday night , after reading our bedtime story , Henry asked me again , " How many days until Micheala 's party ? " At that moment I realized we missed the party , it was yesterday . The poor boy cried himself to sleep . I called the mom and made an ice cream date with Micheala . We picked her up and while we were in the car Henry had a whoopee cushion and kept blowing it up and squashing it . They were giggling so hard it just melted my heart to see them having such a great time . While at the ice cream shop they talked and talked while just sitting on the riding toys . Five days later , eighty pounds of blueberries arrived . I paid $ 2 . 25 / pound . The kids were slacking this year and only ate about fifteen pounds before we made one pie and froze the rest . There are wonderful times in my life when all four kids will play nicely together , not often , but it does happen . They went down the path to the edge of the field and played for a very long time . I can 't remember how long but long enough for me to keep wondering " What in the world are they doing ? " Finally , this is what I saw coming up the hill . And then something like this happens … Henry and I picked raspberries one hot afternoon . While we picked Henry and Nola Mae weren 't getting along . They were mostly fighting about who would get my next handful . I sent Nola Mae to a shady part to eat her raspberries . Henry was still kind of mad at her so he said , " Nola Mae I hope you eat ALL your raspberries ! And then you poop , raspberry poop , on your head ! " Charlie designed the glue resist on this cloth to cover his desk . He wanted rainbow colors , which I used to ice dye it , but it doesn 't look very rainbow - ish to me . When he saw it for the first time he said , " Awesome ! " I was holding my breath because it didn 't turn out like I expected . I made this ring sling for a friend who loved the ring sling I made last month in the same colors . This one turned out a little darker and just as beautiful . We traded this ring sling for a new bike for Robbie . This is a picture of " testing my patience " . I have learned that dyeing stuff takes a lot of patience . All of those items in the bags first sat under ice for over 24 hours , then I gently put them into these plastic bags for 12 hours . I have had this sign on my fridge for many months . I was reminded this month how very important this is for everyone to follow ( adults and children ) ! I hope you follow this advice too . In 4th grade the kids put on a " manufacturing day " . They manufacture items to sell to the rest of the elementary school . Robbie recycled crayons into Lego shaped guys and into flowers and stars and made stuffed monster faces . We went to the Wisconsin Historical Museum - a beautiful place ! I was impressed by how much Robbie had learned in school before this trip . When we toured the Capitol the kids already knew a lot about the history of our state and about what happens in the Capital . I first realized this when we were at the museum , Robbie and I walked into a section about Aztalan . As soon as he saw this area he said , " Oh ! Aztalan , I know all this ! " I pointed out that we need to appreciate this stuff and we needed to walk around and look at all the cool tools in person , not just in books ! Robbie and I met Jack and the kids at piano lessons . During Robbie 's lesson we walked around town . I was there when Jack took this photo of Charlie . When I was looking at photos from this day I knew this is one I wanted to include in my blog and save in my memory forever ! Because he is looking directly at me , giving me a look I don 't see very often : " love " . He is the boy that seems to dislike me the most . I wasn 't talking about candy , minecraft , ice cream , or legos . We were just looking at each other . I was thankful for Jack being there because I could hear him taking pictures of something during this look between me and Charlie and I was hoping it was of Charlie . We had a rummage sale during our town 's city - wide rummage . It was a one day sale for us , with constant people coming from 7 : 30 am - 3 : 30 pm . I thought it was worth it and very successful . But there was still a lot of stuff left . I was able to invite a few friends over to take one last peek . Then I loaded it all up and took a full car load to St . Vinnie 's in Plover . My mother - in - law would say , " there is some kind of learning going on here . " These were very old and stale taco shells I found in the cupboard . I had them on the counter and Nola Mae brought the stool to the counter , pulled out the potato masher and just started mashing them . It kept her busy while I did my stuff and the mess wasn 't too bad . Henry and Nola Mae were in the yard getting blankets and books ready for reading in the shade . Henry came into the house and asked me if he could take the camera outside to take a picture of Nola Mae being cute . This is one of his photos . My car was in the repair shop last week . The day it was ready to come home Jack drove the truck to his friend 's house and got a ride the rest of the way to work . Henry and I biked 10 miles to their house to pick up the truck . If I was thinking ahead I would have put Nola Mae 's car seat in the truck , instead we had to pack it in the Burley . Henry talked the entire way , peddled hard up and down the hills , especially when a scary dog came after us . The boys will be done with school on June 12th . I am pretty excited about the things we will do this summer . I have plans for everyone to make a " wish list " of the goals they have , the things they want to do , and where they want to go . We started our summer off with the boys signing up for the summer reading program at our local libraries . We may not attend many activities or hand in our reading logs into the Iola library because we visit the library where our favorite librarian works . I put up the little pockets for each child on the door for their reading logs . They can check off their 20 minutes of reading and we never forget to grab them when we are heading to the library ! I found some dried grass and some of my broom corn in the grill one day and blamed it on Henry . I talked to him about leaving the grill alone . We cleaned it out . Then a few days later we opened the grill to make dinner and found this awesome nest built out of things that came from all over our yard - leaves , dried grass , broom corn from inside the garage and a lot of the dried stems from my last year 's morning glories that were in the compost pile . This mama was busy ! Jack was cleaning out the gutters and left the ladder up . I saw Henry heading for the ladder and asked him to not climb it because Nola Mae might follow him . I grabbed the camera because I wanted to take a picture of the boy who hasn 't been listening . I was going to do a blog post about this , because I needed to find some humor in our incredibly independent 4 - year - old , who has his own way of doing everything . I never got it done because I couldn 't find the time to do it . A dear friend of the family passed away un - expectantly this month . After hearing the news I decided we needed to do something that we don 't do very often , fly Charlie 's dragon kite . We had an afternoon of kickball with me being the " all time pitcher " and the kids kicking the ball and running bases for as long as I can keep up . I was talking about quitting soon and they were not even close to wanting to stop . My idea to slow them down so I could maybe catch them once in a while was for them to give Nola Mae a kiss when they passed her . We have been having a little drama here lately . I heard some whimpering from that same independent 4 - year - old that I mentioned earlier , while I was in the living room nursing Nola Mae . I knew there wasn 't an injury ( no screaming or sound of a thump ) and I knew that there weren 't any older brothers around teasing him , so I tried to get him to talk to me from the other room . When I finally came into the room this is what I found … all I could think of is the Wicked Witch of West under Dorothy 's house ( maybe because my book club recently read Wicked ) . I started a jobs list for the boys , mostly paid jobs for them of jobs that I hate to do . Vacuuming is one of the top 5 jobs I hate . Vacuuming the stairs rarely gets done . I showed Robbie and Charlie how I expect the stairs to be vacuumed and Charlie wasn 't interested in listening how I do it , but Robbie was . I asked Robbie to wrap up the cord and put the vacuum away when he was done . This is what I got … Another weekend , Jack 's brother Eddie came to visit with his extra - large chainsaw . Our oak tree in the pasture died within the last two years . This summer is when we are finally getting to that job . There was one day ( yes , just one day ! ) that I actually sat down with a cup of coffee and my book . If I remember correctly it wasn 't for very long , I will appreciate that little bit of time I had on the deck . My book now stays on my night stand for my late night reading . I have been busy sewing this month . I took on a sewing job for a friend who does event planning and decorating . I don 't know that she has a webpage , but she does have a Facebook page . These are the beautiful fabrics I am working with : I walked into a restaurant in Stevens Point with Nola Mae in my plum - colored ring sling and a mom of a new baby asked me where she could get one of those . I told her about the ring sling , Maya Wrap and also mentioned that she could make one because I made mine . She asked me to make one for her . We exchanged email addresses and phone numbers . We have been canoeing in the bowl at the ski hill for the past four years ( I think ) . Click here for better photos from April 12 , 2011 . This year was the latest date , May 1st , we have ever paddled and March 16 , 2012 was the earliest . Grandma Helen came to visit us . We had a busy weekend with activities around our house and farm . Nola Mae watching a kickball game in the front yard . This is the tree that fell down or we cut down the week Nola Mae was born . That year on Saturday of Easter weekend we spent the morning making firewood . I went into labor that night and had Nola Mae in the morning . I will always remember this spot and refer to it as Nola Mae 's firewood . At some point during basketball Robbie found a soft spot in the floor . Jack decided it was time to replace that part of the floor . He put the boys to work and had this done before the end of the weekend . We got these stilts from Jack 's Aunt Corky . Charlie was the one that was interested in them when Jack showed them how to use them . I was surprised because he seems easily discouraged when trying new things . Now that I think more about this … He wasn 't discouraged because Robbie wasn 't trying them and if Robbie did and was good at it Charlie would have quit . ( Something we have to be thoughtful of all the time ! ) Charlie practiced every day for many days and is able to take many steps . A couple of years ago we had to replace the south stone wall of our barn . In order to minimize our cost with this repair we had the workers move the rock just outside the barn door into the pasture . I didn 't think through this when it was happening . This huge rock and dirt pile blocks my path to the north pasture and my access to the north side of the basement of the barn . Plus it is an eye sore to me . Last year , when I had a new baby , I wanted to work on moving the rocks . It never happened ! So this spring , my plan was to move a bucket load a day . It worked for about two weeks and the progress was slow . I will get this path opened by the end of summer ! Once the snow melted and skiing was done I would walk / run around town for an hour , while Henry was in preschool , pushing Nola Mae in a single child jogging stroller . My first run from home - pushing two kids loaded with water , snacks & a tablet ( I didn 't want to have a restless Henry ) in my bike trailer / stroller . This load is a lot harder to push compared to pulling them in the ski sled while skiing ! It took me many runs to realize that I am out of shape but not terribly out of shape , I am just pushing a big load . My 4 . 5 mile loop that I do from home was taking me 1 hour and 20 - 30 minutes . One weekend morning I went for a run , all by myself , and ran that loop in 50 minutes . Nola Mae napped in the stroller during my run . This photo is from later in the afternoon when my neighbor came over . She helped load up some rocks into my tractor bucket and watched Henry and Nola Mae while I delivered the rocks to her yard for her landscaping project . Our sweet Nola Mae loves the phone . The same day we went for our first run , loaded and delivered rocks , I was working in the kitchen and I needed Nola Mae to be happy for just a little bit longer . I gave her the phone to play with . That was the last time I thought I saw phone for three days ! I back tracked all my steps that day and all the places I was outside and in the house . I could not find the phone . I had Henry push the " find " button once I was in the garden , garage and barn . For three days I cleaned under furniture , cleaned closets and cleaned the mud room , sort of cleaned the toy room , and walked all over the yard looking for that darn phone . While I was walking around the yard I was reminded that I lost our phone last year , forever ! I thought maybe I would find that phone instead of the current lost one . I will laugh so hard and probably pee my pants when I am 60 years old and working outside in the yard and I find a phone ! Iola has a city - wide rummage sale every year on the weekend of Mother 's day . Last year I missed out because I was really sick . This year , Henry and I hit a few jack - pots ! I had to take a photo of our goodies from just one sale . All this for around $ 50 . ( bike $ 5 , lawn mower $ 20 , two plug in heaters for chicken waters $ 10 , buckets $ 1 each , pretty denim fabric $ 3 for 5 yards , swimming stuff $ 2 , buttons $ 2 and glass wares $ 6 ) Charlie bought this chess , checkers , backgammon , domino set from his teacher 's rummage sale for $ 1 . For as much as he loves to play chess this was his jack - pot ! I think that boy now owns three chess boards . I haven 't had a flat tire in a long time . I got this one on my way to the ski hill to help my friend prepare for a bike race IWSC was hosting . I was thankful my Mom and Step - Dad made me take off and put back on all four tires on our family car before I could drive it . A good reminder to do that with our kids . I discovered Nola Mae likes mud puddles . Henry finished preschool and will go to 4K in the fall . His preschool was two days / week for 2 . 5 hours each day . 4K will be two full days / week and he will ride the bus . He loved school , enjoyed playing with most of the kids , loved his teachers and rarely gave me kisses good - bye . I was reminded every school day that he is independent , very confident and my 3rd child when he would tell me , " Mama , just drop me off at the sidewalk . You don 't have to walk me in . " When the older boys went to preschool this is what I remember : Robbie didn 't want me to leave him , I always left quickly , he didn 't cry but was sad , and always gave me the biggest hugs and five kisses ( that was the number of kisses he picked for our good - bye routine ) . Charlie cried when Robbie went to school . Charlie always gave me a quick kiss and hug when I dropped him off at preschool . My dream of having a track star to cheer on may come true . Robbie is showing signs of being a strong runner and he sure is a speedy boy . Nola Mae loves running on the track . Jack took this photo . I love it because Henry looks so peaceful and angelic . I also find this photo to be funny because it looks like aliens are sucking his brain while he is rotting his brain while playing on the tablet . Jack took all three boys for a camping trip with his brother 's family . Our boys adore their older cousins . I love these two pictures because you can see their happiness . I met Jack and the boys at the nursing home to visit the Vater grandparents . I spent a little bit of time outside with Nola Mae taking these pictures . I couldn 't decide which one I liked the best so I had to include my four favorites . Robbie brought this note home . I was shocked only because he never gets in trouble at school ! I was not surprised because this is the kind of stuff he would do at home ! Nola Mae rarely lets me feed her anything with a spoon . She has to pick up her food with her fingers by herself ! Recently , I tried to give her some of my homemade applesauce but she has refused it because I was serving it to her on a spoon . I had applesauce on the table for everyone , she grabbed Robbie 's bowl and started eating it and loved it ! She made a horrible mess . And now eats it off a spoon from me . We have been getting some good rains this month . Our rain gauge is broken so I never know how much . The boys played outside in the last rain we got . The morning of the two - hour delay caused some craziness . Every morning if Nola Mae and Henry are still sleeping when it is time to go out to the end of the driveway I walk out there with the boys . I take care of the dogs . This morning I turned on the water to fill the horse 's water tank . I didn 't know there was a two - hour delay until we were outside waiting for the bus by 6 : 30 and we were waiting for about 10 minutes . I saw the county bus go by very slowly , usually this bus is going pretty fast . I realized then that maybe the wasn 't any school because the roads were probably too bad . I went into the house to check the school 's website . In all this craziness I forgot about the running water in the barn . The nice thing about our old barn and the placement of my water tank is when it overflows most of the water goes to the stairs . After the two big boys were off to school I scooped the water out with the 5 gallon bucket and the grain shovel . If I didn 't wear my baby I am not sure when or how I would have gotten this cleaned up . I was concerned about it freezing and needed it to get cleaned up right away ! When we had a snow day I was thinking ahead so we made Valentine cards for school . I refuse to buy the crap that is in the stores . I cut hearts of all sizes and all three boys glued and colored whatever they wanted , signed their name and we taped a small package of Smarties or a sucker on each card . Thanks to Granny we had a good supply of Smarties ! Henry signed all of his with one big " H " , up until this time I didn 't know he could write an H . He saw the boys writing their names and he told me he could do his . The innocent playing on the kitchen stool has turned dangerous . Remember last month 's cute photos ? Now , I put the stool away and only bring it out when we need it . Henry 's preschool does a cake raffle at four high school basketball games as a fundraiser . These are two of the three cakes I made . The preschool raised a total of over $ 400 . Henry 's skiing skills improved drastically in a week 's time . He went from me skiing next to him while going down hill , and skiing behind him doing the " duck walk " up the hill to him climbing up hills and zooming down hills all by himself . He has also gotten stronger during the month of February . We always went on the green loop . By the end of this month we going out on the blue loop . One day he skied for over 1 . 5 miles . And another day he skied the entire blue loop ( distance ? ) in 1 hour 45 minutes . I had a few days where Henry would ski as far as he could and when he would get tired I put him in the sled with Nola Mae . They would both fall asleep within 10 minutes and I could ski as long as I was able to . On this day I didn 't bring any water with me and had to go back after 1 . 5 hours . They could have napped longer and I could have skied longer ! Three of my sisters met at my house for skiing and visiting . While they were here it was too beautiful to be inside . I got the boys out to try to do some sledding . Kayla and Skyler came outside to play with us and they had an idea to make a snow fort . I had someone interested in buying my Ellaroo wrap . This was my first wrap . I haven 't been using it very often so I considered parting with it . We wrapped with it and I decided I couldn 't sell it just yet . I got this wrap hammock idea from my friend , Brianna , the one who got me into wrapping . She has made forts , swings and hammocks with her wraps . Charlie 's friend rode the bus after school to work on her science project with Mystique ( Click here to see her mom 's blog post ) . The kayak building project helped Jack realize that he isn 't going to fit up old vehicles for use on our farm . I am happy to have him woodworking than working on old trucks . So off to the junk yard they went ! Jack bought this truck in 1998 , moved his belongings to Iola from Platteville when he graduated and we moved in together . I have looked at this truck for many years ! I was kind of sad to see it go . Monday , June 11th : Today we started doing push - ups . A long time ago I started the 100 push - ups challenge ( http : / / hundredpushups . com / ) . I blogged about the benefits of push - ups in March 2011 , click here to read that post . For some reason I stopped , if I am remembering correctly I had to repeat a certain week three times and was a little frustrated . Now I am determined to try again . Our total of push - ups for the three days we did them was 112 . Wednesday , June 13th : Today one of our chickens laid this tiny egg . I am finally getting back to using my clothes line . I had a few items that needed bleaching in the sun . Most importantly , the reason why I took this picture is because girls ' clothes are so cute on Nola Mae and even on the clothes line ! After the library I made these chocolate chip cookies that everyone loved ! Secret ingredient … garbanzo beans ! This recipe came from the Deceptively Delicious : Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food cookbook . They were much better than the brownies that we made for Charlie to take to school . Friday , June 15th : This morning we went to Waupaca to run errands and met with my lactation consultant . We have concerns that Nola Mae hasn 't been gaining weight at the normal rate a baby should . I wasn 't too worried about this because I have been feeling like she is breastfeeding enough , even though I think she sleeps a lot , and was probably gaining weight . I was wrong ! She hasn 't even gained the bare minimum in the last week and a half . I left there with different things to try and plans to get another weight done in a week and a heavy weight of stress on my shoulders . Sunday , June 17th : What do Vater Boys do for Father 's Day ? Jack took the boys to the woods to make firewood . His brother called to wish him a " Happy Father 's Day " and told me that he was building a wood shed with his kids . I wasn 't surprised Eddie had news of a project to work on . There is no sitting around in this family ! Tuesday , May 29th : Since Charlie has a summer birthday he celebrates his birthday at school in the spring . Tonight he made brownies with secret ingredients ( beets & carrots ) from the book Deceptively Delicious : Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food . We tested the brownies and they were good , Charlie liked them and still wanted to take them to school . Our back up plan was a brownie box mix . Nine out of the fourteen kids liked the brownies . My garlic is growing like crazy . I planted 213 cloves last fall . After the cultivating Robbie did to my already planted garlic patch , not much damage was done . I counted 203 plants coming up . Jack was traveling for work all week . One thing that saved my sanity was taking the boys to the dead - end road for some biking . Charlie can be such a sweet big brother , sometimes ! After graduation and the PTO picnic we could take our kids home if we wanted to . Robbie 's class had two kids left for the rest of the afternoon . When Charlie went back to his class to get his things he saw that a lot of his friends were staying and he wanted to stay . Sunday , June 3rd : I spent the weekend focusing on chickens . I cleaned the chicken coop out completely . It took me two days with Jack helping me with the kids and our meals . Our little chicks that Charlie 's class and we hatched spent the day outside . I am hoping this will help tame them a little . I put them next to our reading blanket in the shade for a little while . Jack took the boys down to the woods to cut , split and stack firewood . I joined them a little later . I was impressed with the boys focus and hard work at stacking the firewood . I thought I was having some little signs of labor this evening , so I went to bed early . Only to be woken up with an upset stomach and the start of puking my guts out began . Henry followed me a few hours later and then Charlie a few hours after Henry . We have an awesome bathroom for " camping out " during times of sickness . This is where the three of us slept - Charlie in front of the washer & dryer and Henry and I slept on the futon covered in many layers of towels . Wednesday , April 4th : No photos because of our sickness . It took me a few days to recover from the flu . I was unable to eat any real meals until Saturday . Saturday , April 7th : Henry 's 3rd birthday . He was talking all week about getting out his " Happy Birthday Cake " from the freezer . I am very glad that I made it a couple of weeks ago and froze it . Monday , March 26th : I made these " Knock You Naked Brownies " for my book club meeting . I should mention that my book pick was The Birth House . Here is the link to the book on Amazon . com . It was a book enjoyed by everyone ! Thank you , Aunt Barbara for the recommendation ! They were very yummy . I shouldn 't have made them in my last weeks of pregnancy , because I wanted to eat them all ! While I was making them I realized I had made them before . I had trouble taking them out of the pan ( both times ) while they were still warm , like the recipe says . They were easier to remove from the pan once they were chilled . It was frustrating and I swore I wouldn 't make them again ( both times ) . My friends ' response to the brownies convinced me that I will have to make them again . Click here for the recipe . Just before dinner we saw him on the small gate talking to Mystique . Jack went out with the camera to see what he was doing . I thought he looked cute until I saw these pictures of him aiming the toy gun at her . Friday , March 30th : I started cleaning out the garden . Last fall I didn 't have the energy to pull the corn stalks and milo out . Today I did . It took me two days to pull about five rows out . I guess this is how Henry digs for worms . I also saw him doing a head stand in the big hole that he and Charlie dug . " Me looking for worms ! " |
Sliding onto a barstool , Regina told Dave , " I 'll have some water . " " Sure thing . " Dave poured her a glass of bottled water and then looked at her with concern . " I wish you would tell me what 's wrong . I might be able to help . " " Not yet . Just pray for me , okay ? " Changing the subject with barely a pause , Regina said , " Did you see the ad in the paper about the auditions ? " " Yeah , I did . It looked good . What type of entertainment are you looking for ? " " I 'm not sure yet - a band , a singer , a piano player ? Whatever . " Regina turned around in time to see Detective John Nelson walking through the front door . Her heart stopped . " Oh , no , " she said as she quickly turned back around . " What 's the matter , Mrs . Cavelli ? " Panicking , she asked , " Where 's Vinny ? " " He left about fifteen minutes ago . He said he had an errand to run and he 'd be back in an hour . Why ? " That made Regina feel a bit more at ease , but her mind started to race . She had to find a way to arrange a less - public meeting . What am I thinking ? That 's not going to work . Lord , what am I going to do ? He 's heading my way . Help me find the right words to say to him . John walked over and sat down two stools away from Regina without looking at her . To Dave he said , " I 'll have a club soda with lemon please . " Dave poured the drink and dropped a healthy slice of lemon in the glass . " Will that be all , sir ? " " Yes , thank you . " " That 'll be two bucks . " John reached for his wallet , but then Regina suddenly said , " The drink 's on the house , Dave . " " Yes , ma ' am . " " That 's very nice of you , Mrs . Cavelli , " John said , without looking her direction . Dave walked down to the other end of the bar to serve another customer . Regina glanced around to make sure no one was watching . Aware that her heart was still pounding like mad , she looked down at her water , trying not to draw attention to the fact they were about to start a conversation . " Detective Nelson , what are you doing here ? I thought I made Posted by Regina sat in her office and tried to figure out what Vinny could have possibly been doing in there earlier . Anthony obviously didn 't trust her . She wondered if he somehow knew about the copies she 'd made of his private book , but she doubted it . If he had , he would have made her life much more miserable than it already was , if not worse . She had been surprised to find out at lunch that Poppy wanted to get involved in business again ; that would make Anthony even more difficult to live with . But back to the matter at hand - Vinny . Think , Regina , think . Use the brain God gave you . Her gaze landed on the antique phone on her desk , and for some reason , she felt a draw to it . She lifted the receiver , unscrewed one end , and was not surprised to see a tiny electrical device hidden inside . This wouldn 't be the first time he had done something like this . Instead of being angry , she wondered if she could use this to her advantage . Anthony had no idea she 'd discovered his little bug . Of course , if he 'd bugged her office phone , what else had he bugged ? Was her car or even her home safe ? But who was she kidding ? Home was never safe . Lord , show me the way out . The knock on her door startled her . She quickly screwed the receiver back together . " Come in . " The door opened , and it was Dave , one of the bartenders . " Mrs . Cavelli , I thought you might like to know that we 're out of gin . " " Did you check the cellar ? We were supposed to have gotten a shipment today . Didn 't it come in while I was out ? " " No , I 've already checked the cellar . We don 't have any . I guess I can stretch out what we 've got . " " No watered - down drinks . If you run out , then apologize and give a free drink of something else . " " No problem . " Dave started to leave , but then he hesitated , and a frown pulled across his forehead . " Mrs . Cavelli , is everything okay ? " Sure , Dave . Why do you ask ? " " You look like something 's bothering you . " " This is the third time this has happened in the past two weeks . I 'll have to cPosted by John pulled into the parking space behind Frank 's blue sedan as his partner climbed out and headed toward him . All right , let 's get this over with . John opened his door . " Thanks for coming . I wouldn 't hear the end of it if I showed up here without you , " Frank said , sounding relieved . " No problem . Annie is a terrific cook , and I always enjoy seeing the little rug rats . " As they walked up to the front door , Frank 's youngest child , Nick , came running out of the house , shouting , " Daddy 's home ! Daddy 's home ! " He launched himself into his father 's arms . " Oh , looky ! It 's Uncle Johnny , too . Hi , Uncle Johnny ! " Nick left his father 's embrace and ran to John . At five years old , Nick already wanted to be a detective like his father and Uncle Johnny . He thought they were the best . His dark hair and big , brown doe eyes could convince you to do just about anything . As they got to the door , Frank 's middle child , Lynette , greeted them . She was a twelve - year - old beauty with long , reddish - brown hair and green eyes . " Hi , Dad . Hi , Uncle Johnny . I 'm helping with dinner , " she said with pride . Then she turned and yelled at the top of her lungs , " Mom ! Dad and Uncle Johnny are here ! " " Where 's your sister ? " Frank asked . " You mean her highness ? She 's upstairs in her room . She 's too cool to associate with us mere peasants . She 's in high school now , you know . " " Now , Lynette , that 's not very nice , is it ? " Lynette just shrugged her shoulders . " Nicole , I 'm home , " Frank yelled up the stairs as Annie entered the room and welcomed them both with hugs . Annie was a very beautiful woman with shoulder - length red hair and green eyes . She looked much younger than her age . People often thought her eldest daughter , Nicole , was her sister . " Oh , John , it 's so nice to see you . I 'm so glad you came . We 've missed you around here . Sit and make yourself comfortable . Lynette , go check on the sauce . Nick , Sweetheart , go wash your hands - they 're filthy . Honey , would you go see whaPosted by The ride to Mama Rosa 's was harmless enough . What Poppy said out loud didn 't worry Regina as much as what was going on in his head . As they arrived and were seated , her worry only worsened . Poppy might be old and retired from the business , but men like him always retained their power : the power to harm , to control , and to ruin lives . That was what these men did . She just couldn 't have them influencing the future of her child ; that could not be allowed to happen . This baby was innocent and helpless , and it would be up to her , and her alone , to hold on to that innocence for as long as she could . . . " Regina , " Poppy repeated . " Regina . " Regina startled . She barely remembered getting to the restaurant , much less being seated . " I 'm sorry , Poppy . How rude of me . I was thinking about some plans I have for the restaurant . What do you think about live entertainment ? " It was the best save she could come up with ; she knew asking it would make him feel important , and because of that , the question would please Anthony as well . " Well , my dear , that sounds like a very good idea . I knew if I bought you that place you would make it successful . You should be very proud of your wife , Anthony . " Poppy 's face glowed with pride . " Of course I am , Poppy , " Anthony said with a plastic smile . This was his own doing ; for whatever reason , he had chosen to endure an afternoon of hearing Regina 's praises sung from the rooftop , and he wasn 't going to enjoy it . Regina could see his smile 's insincerity from across the table and wondered how Poppy didn 't . " After lunch , Anthony , I would like to go back to the office with you and look over the books . That 's still okay with you ? " Anthony 's hesitation was barely discernable . " No problem , " he responded with the same brittle smile . Just then , the waiter came over to the table . " Good afternoon . My name is Carmine , and I will be your server today . May I take your order , or do you need some more time ? " He looked about fifteen , but Regina knew that he wasPosted by John settled down to watch some TV and unwind until it was time for him to go to the restaurant - it was still way too early for dinner . He 'd been feeling a little edgy lately , and he hated having time on his hands like this ; it made the loneliness seem more apparent . Most of the time , he didn 't consider being sent home early much of a gift , but today it had given him some much - needed time to think . Spread across his lap lay his file on Regina Cavelli . He 'd discovered some interesting information about her in the past few months . For one thing , she had married Anthony during a break from college and had never returned to finish . Her father had worked for Antonio Cavelli as his accountant and had been in police protection when she had suddenly married Anthony . Antonio Cavelli had planned an extravagant wedding for his son and new daughter - in - law . The press was invited to attend , and it was front - page news in all the papers . That was where it got interesting . After the wedding , Michael Palmetto , Regina 's father , had " lost his memory " and would no longer testify . John 's brother , Sam , was working on the case at the time . Sam had been very frustrated by the whole thing . All his hard work had gone out the window with Mr . Palmetto 's memory . But as frustrated as he had been , Sam had had so much to live for ; he never would have gotten mixed up with drugs . A short time after the Cavelli wedding , Sam had been found in his apartment , dead from a drug overdose . They had ruled it an accidental suicide , but John would never buy that . He knew his brother too well . The doorbell rang and roused him from his thoughts . Who can that be ? John slid the folder under the couch cushion and walked over to the door . " Oh , hi , Frank . Come on in . " " Hey , John . I 'm here on an important mission from Annie . " " What 's up ? " " She told me and I quote , ' Don 't come home unless John is with you . ' She says she misses you and so do the kids . They 've been asking for their Uncle Johnny . They want to spend some time Posted by Mario pulled into the garage next to the two - story office complex . It was about twenty minutes from Regina 's restaurant , and the Cavelli family owned the whole building . All their businesses operated from here , each with a name that sounded respectable and completely above board , but what happened behind closed doors was another story . Anthony had his men sweep the building periodically for bugs , and sometimes they found a few . As far as the city cops were concerned , their informant was usually quite reliable . But the Feds were a different story ; they planted bugs fairly regularly or positioned men outside to observe the proceedings as best they could . As Regina and Anthony got out of the car , he asked her , " Do you think you can manage to be civil to my father ? " " Of course , I can . I forgave him a long time ago for forcing me to marry you and live in hell , " Regina replied with an edge of sarcasm . She sometimes couldn 't help but give snide remarks , especially when she was around Poppy . It was a shortcoming she was still working on . Instead of being sarcastic in return , Anthony said calmly , " That 's exactly what I mean . The old man thinks we are happily married . I 'd like to keep it that way . Now just do as you 're told and everything will be all right . " Normally he would come back at her or threaten her in some way . For the second time today , Regina wondered if something was wrong . She kept quiet , hoping to pick up on what was really going on . Stepping into the building with Anthony and Mario at her heels , Regina tried to focus . She always found it difficult to be in Poppy 's presence , especially now in her condition . He had always wanted a grandchild . It was a topic that had been on his mind , and lips , since the death of Anthony 's mother . Lord , I need You to help me keep my cool and not give myself away . A little prayer never hurt in stressful situations . They walked into the outer office and a very nervous Mary greeted them . She came out from behind her desk . " What 's the matter with you ? Posted by John arrived home tired and frustrated by his day . Captain Merrill had sent him home early , since he had come in around four a . m . to do paper work . He often did that when he couldn 't sleep . John lived alone , except for some goldfish , in a small one - bedroom apartment in Park Slope , Brooklyn . His living room was dark beige . He wasn 't sure it had been painted that color originally , but years had passed since anybody had tried to do anything with the walls . John didn 't mind the fading , since he was rarely home anyway . He was able to fit a recliner , a loveseat , and a nineteen - inch color television in the living room area . He had a small portable CD player on an end table next to the recliner . His bedroom was cramped with a double bed ; a dresser ; and one end table that held a phone , a lamp , and an alarm clock . The bathroom had a tub with a fish shower curtain . The last area in the apartment was what some would call a kitchen ; others would call it a closet . It contained a small oven with a four - burner stove , a refrigerator , a sink , and a small counter that separated the kitchen from the living room . He had two stools by the counter where he ate his meals . It was a small place , but he could afford it , and it was located only about twenty minutes from the precinct . Out of habit , he went right to the answering machine and hit play . A familiar voice filled the air . " John , this is your mother . I was wondering if you could stop by for dinner on Sunday . Your sister will be here and . . . well , we all miss you . I love you , Honey . Call me . " The next message was from some salesperson telling him he 'd won free airplane tickets to Florida ; all he had to do was examine a time - share in Tampa . The final message was from his sister . " John , it 's Lisa . How are you doing ? The kids miss you . I miss you , too . We all hope to see you Sunday at the folks ' . Mom says she 's making your favorite - pot roast . Well , anyway , know that you 're loved . Bye . " He couldn 't help but think how lucky he was to have a family who carePosted by Driving back to the station , John didn 't say much . Regina was more stunning in person than the pictures he 'd seen . Maybe she 'd call him when she wasn 't being watched . Maybe that was why she had given them the brush - off . Maybe she was afraid to talk to him in front of that big goon - or Frank . Maybe he should have gone alone . . . Frank was the first to break the silence . " You see , John ? I told you it would get us nowhere . She practically threw us out ! If she knows anything , she 's not telling . Now are you gonna give up on this crazy idea of yours ? " " I think she 's just scared . That big guy works for her husband . He 's probably there to keep an eye on her . At least now she knows there 's someone out here who can help her . " " Have you lost your mind ? Help her do what ? She doesn 't look like she needs any help . Do you live in some kind of fantasy world ? Were we both in the same place ? She 's not going to call you ! She seems to be very loyal to her husband . You need to just leave this alone and look for another angle , or else you 're going to get yourself killed . " John was quiet for a moment . " Maybe you 're right . I guess I 'm just kidding myself . " He didn 't want to continue this conversation . Next time , he 'd go see her alone . It would be less intimidating for her , and he wouldn 't have to hear " I told you so " from Frank . He changed the subject . " Hey , Frank , did you watch the game last night ? " Anthony looked at Mario . " Get the car . I want to go and have a little talk with my wife before Poppy comes over . " Mario knew that tone all too well . For Regina 's sake , she better have the answers Anthony wanted to hear . Regina could hear the staff in the kitchen . She must have lost track of time ; they were probably getting ready for the lunch crowd . She needed to go and check with the chef to make sure there weren 't any problems with the morning deliveries . Anthony stepped through the restaurant 's front door and walked over to where Vinny sat at the bar . " Where is she ? Posted by Vinny pulled into the parking lot of the Long Island restaurant . He climbed out of the car and opened the door for Regina . " Thank you , Vinny . " She went to the back door and unlocked it . " Is there anything I can do for you today Mrs . Cavelli ? " Vinny asked , following closely behind her . Regina couldn 't say what she really thought , or she might have to repent later . Besides , it wasn 't Vinny 's fault her husband was the way he was . " I 'll be in my office getting some paperwork done . I really don 't want to be disturbed . When the staff comes in , will you let them know that ? " Vinny nodded and then walked over to the bar . The bar was made out of beautifully crafted oak , with a dark brown finish , and a dozen or so stools that neatly line the one long edge . Behind the bar was a large mirror with grapevines etched along the edges . The left side of the mirror held two shelves with all the different alcohol and mixers lined up on them . On the right were the drinking glasses . At the end of the bar a television set hung from the ceiling . Vinny walked behind the bar and poured himself some mineral water . He turned on the television . He might as well watch TV , since there wasn 't anything else to do . Regina walked to the back office next to the kitchen and unlocked the door . The key in her hand was the only one to this room , her inner sanctum . It was the one place she could be herself and not have Anthony 's eyes watching her . She 'd decorated the room with soft shades of blue and gray . She had made the curtains herself ; they matched the small love seat . A rectangular coffee table and a plush , round chair sat at the other end of the room . Her desk was made of mahogany , a present from Anthony 's father . He loved mahogany and gave it to her when she bought the restaurant . The restaurant was a good distraction . Anthony 's father was kind to her but she resented him for the pain he caused her family . She struggled with her feelings for Poppy . If it wasn 't for her bargain with him , then she wouldn 't be married to Anthony . But sPosted by Before Anthony left , he took another look at Regina . She was just lying there , quietly breathing . It wouldn 't take much effort , he thought , to place a pillow over her head as she lay there . She wouldn 't even see it coming . That happy thought lingered a bit too long in his mind ; he could almost imagine it happening . He shook his head and convinced himself that it wouldn 't be in his best interest , at least not yet , to give in to that desire . Poppy wouldn 't be around forever , and then he 'd have more freedom to do whatever he wished to his wife . He 'd be free of her one day . He walked out to the front of the building where Mario was waiting . As soon as Mario saw him , he climbed out and opened the door for Anthony . When they were both seated , Anthony said , " Let 's go . I want to beat the traffic before it gets bad . " Regina looked out the window and watched as Anthony drove away with Mario . The black stretch limousine was hard to miss even from the penthouse apartment . Anthony owned many cars , but he liked taking the limousine when he had to meet someone . It made him feel important . She walked over to the desk and opened the secret drawer , but the black book was gone , just as she figured it would be . Anthony always carried it with him wherever he went . Tomorrow is another day . Maybe tomorrow . " I 'd better get ready and see what is going on over at the restaurant , " she said out loud to herself . Sometimes in this hostile environment , the sound of her voice eased her nerves . She was nearly dressed when she heard a knock on her bedroom door . " Who is it ? " " It 's Vinny , Mrs . Cavelli . I just want you to know that Mr . Cavelli asked me to drive you to the restaurant . I 'm ready whenever you are . " " Just a minute . " Regina finished buttoning her blouse and then opened the door to find Vinny waiting for her . At six - foot - three and pushing two - fifty , he was absolutely Herculean , and it was pure muscle . He made her nervous , but she knew better than to let it show . She was the boss 's wife and had to be self - assured , even if she didPosted by I am an aspiring writer and have created this blog for the purpose of displaying my current completed work , Prisoner of Circumstance . It 's now available on Amazon . com . Click on the photo above to order . I 've posted the first two chapters in sections . So if you haven 't read any of it , start with the Prologue and work your way down . You will find the sections listed under the Table of Contents . |
Sliding onto a barstool , Regina told Dave , " I 'll have some water . " " Sure thing . " Dave poured her a glass of bottled water and then looked at her with concern . " I wish you would tell me what 's wrong . I might be able to help . " " Not yet . Just pray for me , okay ? " Changing the subject with barely a pause , Regina said , " Did you see the ad in the paper about the auditions ? " " Yeah , I did . It looked good . What type of entertainment are you looking for ? " " I 'm not sure yet - a band , a singer , a piano player ? Whatever . " Regina turned around in time to see Detective John Nelson walking through the front door . Her heart stopped . " Oh , no , " she said as she quickly turned back around . " What 's the matter , Mrs . Cavelli ? " Panicking , she asked , " Where 's Vinny ? " " He left about fifteen minutes ago . He said he had an errand to run and he 'd be back in an hour . Why ? " That made Regina feel a bit more at ease , but her mind started to race . She had to find a way to arrange a less - public meeting . What am I thinking ? That 's not going to work . Lord , what am I going to do ? He 's heading my way . Help me find the right words to say to him . John walked over and sat down two stools away from Regina without looking at her . To Dave he said , " I 'll have a club soda with lemon please . " Dave poured the drink and dropped a healthy slice of lemon in the glass . " Will that be all , sir ? " " Yes , thank you . " " That 'll be two bucks . " John reached for his wallet , but then Regina suddenly said , " The drink 's on the house , Dave . " " Yes , ma ' am . " " That 's very nice of you , Mrs . Cavelli , " John said , without looking her direction . Dave walked down to the other end of the bar to serve another customer . Regina glanced around to make sure no one was watching . Aware that her heart was still pounding like mad , she looked down at her water , trying not to draw attention to the fact they were about to start a conversation . " Detective Nelson , what are you doing here ? I thought I made Posted by Regina sat in her office and tried to figure out what Vinny could have possibly been doing in there earlier . Anthony obviously didn 't trust her . She wondered if he somehow knew about the copies she 'd made of his private book , but she doubted it . If he had , he would have made her life much more miserable than it already was , if not worse . She had been surprised to find out at lunch that Poppy wanted to get involved in business again ; that would make Anthony even more difficult to live with . But back to the matter at hand - Vinny . Think , Regina , think . Use the brain God gave you . Her gaze landed on the antique phone on her desk , and for some reason , she felt a draw to it . She lifted the receiver , unscrewed one end , and was not surprised to see a tiny electrical device hidden inside . This wouldn 't be the first time he had done something like this . Instead of being angry , she wondered if she could use this to her advantage . Anthony had no idea she 'd discovered his little bug . Of course , if he 'd bugged her office phone , what else had he bugged ? Was her car or even her home safe ? But who was she kidding ? Home was never safe . Lord , show me the way out . The knock on her door startled her . She quickly screwed the receiver back together . " Come in . " The door opened , and it was Dave , one of the bartenders . " Mrs . Cavelli , I thought you might like to know that we 're out of gin . " " Did you check the cellar ? We were supposed to have gotten a shipment today . Didn 't it come in while I was out ? " " No , I 've already checked the cellar . We don 't have any . I guess I can stretch out what we 've got . " " No watered - down drinks . If you run out , then apologize and give a free drink of something else . " " No problem . " Dave started to leave , but then he hesitated , and a frown pulled across his forehead . " Mrs . Cavelli , is everything okay ? " Sure , Dave . Why do you ask ? " " You look like something 's bothering you . " " This is the third time this has happened in the past two weeks . I 'll have to cPosted by John pulled into the parking space behind Frank 's blue sedan as his partner climbed out and headed toward him . All right , let 's get this over with . John opened his door . " Thanks for coming . I wouldn 't hear the end of it if I showed up here without you , " Frank said , sounding relieved . " No problem . Annie is a terrific cook , and I always enjoy seeing the little rug rats . " As they walked up to the front door , Frank 's youngest child , Nick , came running out of the house , shouting , " Daddy 's home ! Daddy 's home ! " He launched himself into his father 's arms . " Oh , looky ! It 's Uncle Johnny , too . Hi , Uncle Johnny ! " Nick left his father 's embrace and ran to John . At five years old , Nick already wanted to be a detective like his father and Uncle Johnny . He thought they were the best . His dark hair and big , brown doe eyes could convince you to do just about anything . As they got to the door , Frank 's middle child , Lynette , greeted them . She was a twelve - year - old beauty with long , reddish - brown hair and green eyes . " Hi , Dad . Hi , Uncle Johnny . I 'm helping with dinner , " she said with pride . Then she turned and yelled at the top of her lungs , " Mom ! Dad and Uncle Johnny are here ! " " Where 's your sister ? " Frank asked . " You mean her highness ? She 's upstairs in her room . She 's too cool to associate with us mere peasants . She 's in high school now , you know . " " Now , Lynette , that 's not very nice , is it ? " Lynette just shrugged her shoulders . " Nicole , I 'm home , " Frank yelled up the stairs as Annie entered the room and welcomed them both with hugs . Annie was a very beautiful woman with shoulder - length red hair and green eyes . She looked much younger than her age . People often thought her eldest daughter , Nicole , was her sister . " Oh , John , it 's so nice to see you . I 'm so glad you came . We 've missed you around here . Sit and make yourself comfortable . Lynette , go check on the sauce . Nick , Sweetheart , go wash your hands - they 're filthy . Honey , would you go see whaPosted by The ride to Mama Rosa 's was harmless enough . What Poppy said out loud didn 't worry Regina as much as what was going on in his head . As they arrived and were seated , her worry only worsened . Poppy might be old and retired from the business , but men like him always retained their power : the power to harm , to control , and to ruin lives . That was what these men did . She just couldn 't have them influencing the future of her child ; that could not be allowed to happen . This baby was innocent and helpless , and it would be up to her , and her alone , to hold on to that innocence for as long as she could . . . " Regina , " Poppy repeated . " Regina . " Regina startled . She barely remembered getting to the restaurant , much less being seated . " I 'm sorry , Poppy . How rude of me . I was thinking about some plans I have for the restaurant . What do you think about live entertainment ? " It was the best save she could come up with ; she knew asking it would make him feel important , and because of that , the question would please Anthony as well . " Well , my dear , that sounds like a very good idea . I knew if I bought you that place you would make it successful . You should be very proud of your wife , Anthony . " Poppy 's face glowed with pride . " Of course I am , Poppy , " Anthony said with a plastic smile . This was his own doing ; for whatever reason , he had chosen to endure an afternoon of hearing Regina 's praises sung from the rooftop , and he wasn 't going to enjoy it . Regina could see his smile 's insincerity from across the table and wondered how Poppy didn 't . " After lunch , Anthony , I would like to go back to the office with you and look over the books . That 's still okay with you ? " Anthony 's hesitation was barely discernable . " No problem , " he responded with the same brittle smile . Just then , the waiter came over to the table . " Good afternoon . My name is Carmine , and I will be your server today . May I take your order , or do you need some more time ? " He looked about fifteen , but Regina knew that he wasPosted by John settled down to watch some TV and unwind until it was time for him to go to the restaurant - it was still way too early for dinner . He 'd been feeling a little edgy lately , and he hated having time on his hands like this ; it made the loneliness seem more apparent . Most of the time , he didn 't consider being sent home early much of a gift , but today it had given him some much - needed time to think . Spread across his lap lay his file on Regina Cavelli . He 'd discovered some interesting information about her in the past few months . For one thing , she had married Anthony during a break from college and had never returned to finish . Her father had worked for Antonio Cavelli as his accountant and had been in police protection when she had suddenly married Anthony . Antonio Cavelli had planned an extravagant wedding for his son and new daughter - in - law . The press was invited to attend , and it was front - page news in all the papers . That was where it got interesting . After the wedding , Michael Palmetto , Regina 's father , had " lost his memory " and would no longer testify . John 's brother , Sam , was working on the case at the time . Sam had been very frustrated by the whole thing . All his hard work had gone out the window with Mr . Palmetto 's memory . But as frustrated as he had been , Sam had had so much to live for ; he never would have gotten mixed up with drugs . A short time after the Cavelli wedding , Sam had been found in his apartment , dead from a drug overdose . They had ruled it an accidental suicide , but John would never buy that . He knew his brother too well . The doorbell rang and roused him from his thoughts . Who can that be ? John slid the folder under the couch cushion and walked over to the door . " Oh , hi , Frank . Come on in . " " Hey , John . I 'm here on an important mission from Annie . " " What 's up ? " " She told me and I quote , ' Don 't come home unless John is with you . ' She says she misses you and so do the kids . They 've been asking for their Uncle Johnny . They want to spend some time Posted by Mario pulled into the garage next to the two - story office complex . It was about twenty minutes from Regina 's restaurant , and the Cavelli family owned the whole building . All their businesses operated from here , each with a name that sounded respectable and completely above board , but what happened behind closed doors was another story . Anthony had his men sweep the building periodically for bugs , and sometimes they found a few . As far as the city cops were concerned , their informant was usually quite reliable . But the Feds were a different story ; they planted bugs fairly regularly or positioned men outside to observe the proceedings as best they could . As Regina and Anthony got out of the car , he asked her , " Do you think you can manage to be civil to my father ? " " Of course , I can . I forgave him a long time ago for forcing me to marry you and live in hell , " Regina replied with an edge of sarcasm . She sometimes couldn 't help but give snide remarks , especially when she was around Poppy . It was a shortcoming she was still working on . Instead of being sarcastic in return , Anthony said calmly , " That 's exactly what I mean . The old man thinks we are happily married . I 'd like to keep it that way . Now just do as you 're told and everything will be all right . " Normally he would come back at her or threaten her in some way . For the second time today , Regina wondered if something was wrong . She kept quiet , hoping to pick up on what was really going on . Stepping into the building with Anthony and Mario at her heels , Regina tried to focus . She always found it difficult to be in Poppy 's presence , especially now in her condition . He had always wanted a grandchild . It was a topic that had been on his mind , and lips , since the death of Anthony 's mother . Lord , I need You to help me keep my cool and not give myself away . A little prayer never hurt in stressful situations . They walked into the outer office and a very nervous Mary greeted them . She came out from behind her desk . " What 's the matter with you ? Posted by John arrived home tired and frustrated by his day . Captain Merrill had sent him home early , since he had come in around four a . m . to do paper work . He often did that when he couldn 't sleep . John lived alone , except for some goldfish , in a small one - bedroom apartment in Park Slope , Brooklyn . His living room was dark beige . He wasn 't sure it had been painted that color originally , but years had passed since anybody had tried to do anything with the walls . John didn 't mind the fading , since he was rarely home anyway . He was able to fit a recliner , a loveseat , and a nineteen - inch color television in the living room area . He had a small portable CD player on an end table next to the recliner . His bedroom was cramped with a double bed ; a dresser ; and one end table that held a phone , a lamp , and an alarm clock . The bathroom had a tub with a fish shower curtain . The last area in the apartment was what some would call a kitchen ; others would call it a closet . It contained a small oven with a four - burner stove , a refrigerator , a sink , and a small counter that separated the kitchen from the living room . He had two stools by the counter where he ate his meals . It was a small place , but he could afford it , and it was located only about twenty minutes from the precinct . Out of habit , he went right to the answering machine and hit play . A familiar voice filled the air . " John , this is your mother . I was wondering if you could stop by for dinner on Sunday . Your sister will be here and . . . well , we all miss you . I love you , Honey . Call me . " The next message was from some salesperson telling him he 'd won free airplane tickets to Florida ; all he had to do was examine a time - share in Tampa . The final message was from his sister . " John , it 's Lisa . How are you doing ? The kids miss you . I miss you , too . We all hope to see you Sunday at the folks ' . Mom says she 's making your favorite - pot roast . Well , anyway , know that you 're loved . Bye . " He couldn 't help but think how lucky he was to have a family who carePosted by Driving back to the station , John didn 't say much . Regina was more stunning in person than the pictures he 'd seen . Maybe she 'd call him when she wasn 't being watched . Maybe that was why she had given them the brush - off . Maybe she was afraid to talk to him in front of that big goon - or Frank . Maybe he should have gone alone . . . Frank was the first to break the silence . " You see , John ? I told you it would get us nowhere . She practically threw us out ! If she knows anything , she 's not telling . Now are you gonna give up on this crazy idea of yours ? " " I think she 's just scared . That big guy works for her husband . He 's probably there to keep an eye on her . At least now she knows there 's someone out here who can help her . " " Have you lost your mind ? Help her do what ? She doesn 't look like she needs any help . Do you live in some kind of fantasy world ? Were we both in the same place ? She 's not going to call you ! She seems to be very loyal to her husband . You need to just leave this alone and look for another angle , or else you 're going to get yourself killed . " John was quiet for a moment . " Maybe you 're right . I guess I 'm just kidding myself . " He didn 't want to continue this conversation . Next time , he 'd go see her alone . It would be less intimidating for her , and he wouldn 't have to hear " I told you so " from Frank . He changed the subject . " Hey , Frank , did you watch the game last night ? " Anthony looked at Mario . " Get the car . I want to go and have a little talk with my wife before Poppy comes over . " Mario knew that tone all too well . For Regina 's sake , she better have the answers Anthony wanted to hear . Regina could hear the staff in the kitchen . She must have lost track of time ; they were probably getting ready for the lunch crowd . She needed to go and check with the chef to make sure there weren 't any problems with the morning deliveries . Anthony stepped through the restaurant 's front door and walked over to where Vinny sat at the bar . " Where is she ? Posted by Vinny pulled into the parking lot of the Long Island restaurant . He climbed out of the car and opened the door for Regina . " Thank you , Vinny . " She went to the back door and unlocked it . " Is there anything I can do for you today Mrs . Cavelli ? " Vinny asked , following closely behind her . Regina couldn 't say what she really thought , or she might have to repent later . Besides , it wasn 't Vinny 's fault her husband was the way he was . " I 'll be in my office getting some paperwork done . I really don 't want to be disturbed . When the staff comes in , will you let them know that ? " Vinny nodded and then walked over to the bar . The bar was made out of beautifully crafted oak , with a dark brown finish , and a dozen or so stools that neatly line the one long edge . Behind the bar was a large mirror with grapevines etched along the edges . The left side of the mirror held two shelves with all the different alcohol and mixers lined up on them . On the right were the drinking glasses . At the end of the bar a television set hung from the ceiling . Vinny walked behind the bar and poured himself some mineral water . He turned on the television . He might as well watch TV , since there wasn 't anything else to do . Regina walked to the back office next to the kitchen and unlocked the door . The key in her hand was the only one to this room , her inner sanctum . It was the one place she could be herself and not have Anthony 's eyes watching her . She 'd decorated the room with soft shades of blue and gray . She had made the curtains herself ; they matched the small love seat . A rectangular coffee table and a plush , round chair sat at the other end of the room . Her desk was made of mahogany , a present from Anthony 's father . He loved mahogany and gave it to her when she bought the restaurant . The restaurant was a good distraction . Anthony 's father was kind to her but she resented him for the pain he caused her family . She struggled with her feelings for Poppy . If it wasn 't for her bargain with him , then she wouldn 't be married to Anthony . But sPosted by Before Anthony left , he took another look at Regina . She was just lying there , quietly breathing . It wouldn 't take much effort , he thought , to place a pillow over her head as she lay there . She wouldn 't even see it coming . That happy thought lingered a bit too long in his mind ; he could almost imagine it happening . He shook his head and convinced himself that it wouldn 't be in his best interest , at least not yet , to give in to that desire . Poppy wouldn 't be around forever , and then he 'd have more freedom to do whatever he wished to his wife . He 'd be free of her one day . He walked out to the front of the building where Mario was waiting . As soon as Mario saw him , he climbed out and opened the door for Anthony . When they were both seated , Anthony said , " Let 's go . I want to beat the traffic before it gets bad . " Regina looked out the window and watched as Anthony drove away with Mario . The black stretch limousine was hard to miss even from the penthouse apartment . Anthony owned many cars , but he liked taking the limousine when he had to meet someone . It made him feel important . She walked over to the desk and opened the secret drawer , but the black book was gone , just as she figured it would be . Anthony always carried it with him wherever he went . Tomorrow is another day . Maybe tomorrow . " I 'd better get ready and see what is going on over at the restaurant , " she said out loud to herself . Sometimes in this hostile environment , the sound of her voice eased her nerves . She was nearly dressed when she heard a knock on her bedroom door . " Who is it ? " " It 's Vinny , Mrs . Cavelli . I just want you to know that Mr . Cavelli asked me to drive you to the restaurant . I 'm ready whenever you are . " " Just a minute . " Regina finished buttoning her blouse and then opened the door to find Vinny waiting for her . At six - foot - three and pushing two - fifty , he was absolutely Herculean , and it was pure muscle . He made her nervous , but she knew better than to let it show . She was the boss 's wife and had to be self - assured , even if she didPosted by I am an aspiring writer and have created this blog for the purpose of displaying my current completed work , Prisoner of Circumstance . It 's now available on Amazon . com . Click on the photo above to order . I 've posted the first two chapters in sections . So if you haven 't read any of it , start with the Prologue and work your way down . You will find the sections listed under the Table of Contents . |
I was probably in an apartment at night . It was dark , and I probably couldn 't see anything , but I " saw " everything in the apartment as if it were a dark , dark grey , all the same exact grey , with fuzzy , shaky outlines delineating each thing . I had walked out of some room , possibly a bedroom , and into the kitchen , then from the kitchen into the dining room , to the left of which may have been the living room . All the time I had been walking I had been thinking about the origins of mankind . The story I had been hearing in my head had been a story which I didn 't like . I can 't remember it now . It may have had something to do with the evolution of man from animals . But I don 't quite think that was it . The story had a more disappointing , almost anticlimactic , feel to it than the normal story of evolution . And every person 's conception was similar to , if not exactly the same as , the overall origin of mankind . The story was even more of a letdown to me because of that . But I was now acting out the second story of the origin of mankind - - acting it out , apparently , as God was telling it to me . On the dining table was a strange candle . The flame was a sphere - - dark , dark grey , like everything else in the room , and waxy , not flame - like at all . The flame was maybe 18cm in diameter , and it overshadowed the actual candlestick , wherever the candlestick was . The flame was supposed to be the world . I bent down and stretched my hands toward the " heat " ( as nonexistent as the light ) of this flame . My hands were fetal : stubby , tinny , and seemingly boneless . I alternately breathed onto my hands and stretched my hands toward the heat of the flame . Both actions were done in order to heat my hands . When I stretched out my hands , I would open and close them . It seemed , as I was opening and closing my hands , that they were , very slowly , expanding and developing into more post - natal - looking hands . I understood this to be the origin of mankind . This origin seemed to be a lot more satisfying to me . But I may still have been disappointed by this story . After all , I had told myself that God had told me this story . But how did I know he 'd told it to me ? How did I know I hadn 't told myself the story , fooling myself into believing God was telling me , out of a desire to have a less disappointing story about the origins of man ? I can 't quite remember where I was at first . I had been having a conversation with a group of people , probably including my mother . Those people then went away . We had all been together at one location . But now we were split apart . I may have been trying to figure out how to get back to some of the people , at least my mother . But the people were all so far away . It was like I was in the mountains and they were somewhere else , maybe in a completely different mountain range , and that my only means of getting to that other place would imply a lot of trudging and tediousness . I was probably still in the mountains - - a sunny slope of copper pine - needle - strewn , dusty soil , with thin - trunked trees here and there around me . Before me were two women who I may have thought of as being from India . They were mother and daughter , both skinny , wearing shirts like modern t - shirts and skirts like colorful , traditional Indian skirts . I was now floating over either a map of the world or the world itself . I was only getting very tight views , which were never quite in alignment with exactly what I wanted to see . But I did get the idea from everything that there was a channel of water that connected , through India , around Eastern Europe , then down under Southern Europe , then alongside the northeastern edge of South America , which was apparently where Mexico was located . Some parts of the map blinked colors like a bruisy red , indicating key locations along the journey . One of these points was the location of the university in Mexico . One land mass struck me as very interesting . It was a large island . I thought it should have been a country itself , it was so large . But I couldn 't think of what country it could be . Somehow I made my view flash the names of all the countries I was seeing . This large island still had no name over it . As I tried to figure out more about this island , to figure out exactly where it was , the mother began speaking again . She told me that the daughter 's father ( ? ) had gone abroad for university as well . I imagined the father in a black and white photo , with kind of pale skin , a broad , square jaw , wavy hair combed back a bit , and thin , pudgy eyes . The mother spoke about the father not as if he 'd ever been her husband , but as if he 'd been a fairy tale male figure in the life of some other , fairy - tale - like woman the mother had known , possibly a woman very much like the mother saw the daughter as being . The mother told me that the father had gone to the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering . She said it almost apologetically , like there was some stigma of a lower level of education or lower cultural class from a school devoted only to electrical engineering . The school had , actually , struck me at first as not being a great school . But I wanted to defend the mother 's emotions and let her think that the school was good . But the more I thought about it , the more I realized that the school was probably a very good school . It was the school , I now reflected , of electrical engineering for the entire nation of XXXXX . In the United States , I knew , we had schools for electrical engineering for entire states , such as , I told myself , the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering . My view was now of the mountain slope and the two women again . I tried to tell the mother about the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering in the United States . But I didn 't express very well what a prestigious school it was . The mother said there was another school like it . I thought of MIT , though I couldn 't remember what the acronym stood for . I told the mother that MIT was a good school , and that the people from there were known for being highly cultured as well as very proficient at electrical engineering . The mother now told me a story about the father - - now , possibly , as if the father actually had been the mother 's husband . But the mother now looked a lot different . She was square - framed , possibly overweight , with baggy , turtle - like skin , saggy , pale eyes , and pale red - brown hair . She wore a pink - tan or orange - tan t - shirt that somehow didn 't fit her very well , like it was skewed or crooked on her body . The mother told a story about postcards , and possibly letters , the father would send back home . The letters were apparently diligent and romantic . But they may also have had some comic , eccentric element to them . The father 's method of sending the postcards may also have been eccentric somehow . The mother kept using the word " she " when she spoke about the father . It was like she wasn 't very good at English . She would say " she " when using the pronoun in the nominative sense . But when using a possessive pronoun referring to the father , she 'd said " his . " Occasionally she may have mixed things up even further by switching up and saying " he " and " her . " The mother may have been slightly aware of her mistake . She may even have tried to apologize for it at some point . But it became clear that she was moving through her story as quickly as she could , and struggling hard to state everything else as clearly as she could in English , and still only achieving a halting relation of her story . So she simply couldn 't take the time to get every pronoun 's gender correct . I did my best to listen to the mother without showing any sign that I was even aware of her mistakes . I was laying on a couch in a big living room . The couch was all done up as a bed , with sheets , blankets , etc . My head lay on one of the arms of the couch . The couch was probably near a window , through which moonlight probably shone . A cat was now on the couch with me . And instead of laying with my head on the arm of the couch , I was curled up in some strange position , so that my head was near the center of the couch , but my arms and legs were both pointed toward the same arm of the couch . I was probably also leaning against the back of the couch . The cat had been sitting on my legs and arms . It now stood up and defecated on my hands . It just kept crapping and crapping . Before long , a few long , warm pieces of crap were piled on my hands . The cat then jumped off the couch and walked away . I either stood up or figured I would have to stand up soon . I knew I 'd need to clean the crap off my hands and the couch . But I also had to do something to the cat itself . I may have needed to clean the cat , so as , somehow retroactively , to clean the feces that had come out of the cat . I may also have thought I 'd need to teach the cat to use a litter box . This also would have some kind of retroactive effect on the feces already on the couch . I may also have thought I 'd need ( or want ? ) to punish the cat by hitting it hard . I was in a room that was like a living room or a bedroom in a suburban house . The room was probably unfurnished . The walls were white . The floor was white carpet . There were some windows high up on the wall letting in stark , white sunlight - - though the light may somehow have been blocked by gauzy curtains or by some kind of fabric around my own head . I sat all wrapped up in blankets on the floor . I was leaning against something like the bottom of an overturned armchair , pressing myself against a black , mesh - like fabric . I was listening to a conversation in a conference room . BS , my old boss from a few years ago , was speaking with some other person . The other person was telling BS how some young man had done a really good job on some project . The young man had put a lot of effort into the project , and the project had , apparently , made a lot of money for the company . So the other person felt it was only right to give the young man a raise . But BS - - who may not even have worked for the same company as the young man and the other man ! - - didn 't feel that was right . BS was obviously feeling greedy for money and glory , and didn 't want to portion any of it out to any other person - - especially a young man . This was all obvious in some initial , non - verbal , grunts and moans BS gave in reaction to what the other man had said . Then BS started trying to give an intelligent - sounding reasoning for why the young man deserved neither a raise , a promotion , nor recognition . This all sounded horribly characteristic of BS to me . I felt like I needed to call BS on his creepy demeanor this time around - - if not to defend myself against what I felt he had done to me , then at least to defend another person from being victim to the same thing that had been done to me . But I may have realized , at some point , that BS and the other man had been speaking about me . I now saw that behind the black , mesh - like fabric against which I was pressing myself ( which was now at the bottom of something more like a kitchen chair than an armchair ) was a Polycom conference call phone unit . I had been hearing the conversation via this unit . I also realized that my line wasn 't muted . So I could speak into the room and be heard . So , right in the middle of BS ' speech on why the young man shouldn 't be granted anything , I simply called out , " Ah . . . Old BS ! " I pronounced his whole name , slowly , like an old radio announcer . BS immediately recognized my voice . He was angry that an eavesdropper had caught him in a conversation . But he was infuriated that I personally was the eavesdropper . He shouted in rage , his shout increasing sharply in intensity . I was in a room like a basement living room . There were some other people , probably young men and women , in the room . But the room was mostly dark , and I really couldn 't see the other people . The other people sat close to each other . But I was kind of separated from them . We may all have been sitting on the floor , under blankets , though I may have been standing at first . The only light coming into the room was from the top of a stairwell . It was natural light , but only a few slivers of light came down into the room . This room may have been " my office . " But it may also have been some place where I and the rest of the group - - probably my co - workers - - were having some get - together or party , maybe even a slumber party . But I was still working , even though we were at this party . It may have been that we were all just waking up after the night of the slumber party , and that I was now trying to catch up on a little bit of work . I was on an iPhone , speaking to a person in some company . I was trying to locate the head of the company , so I could make a sales pitch to that person . I was speaking with a woman who was , at first , something like the receptionist for the company . The woman at first began by acting as if she didn 't have time for me and didn 't want to pass me along to anybody else within the company . But as I continued my pitch and continued asking for a higher - level person within the organization , the woman got more upset . It was like I was somehow playing with her emotions in a bad way . Somehow the family relations within this company were in disarray . It became apparent that the woman couldn 't discuss the higher - level person because it made her unbearably sad . She was now so dazed by her sadness that she couldn 't even carry on a coherent conversation . She told me that she had to get off the phone and that , if she felt the need to do so , she 'd get back to me . I hung up the phone . The iPhone 's face was full of icons and had a lava - red background . I now stood closer to the rest of the people in the basement . I felt a little ashamed . They 'd obviously just heard my whole conversation . I was a little ashamed , first of all , that I 'd been caught working at a time like this , when everybody else was either sleeping or having fun . But I also felt a little ashamed that I 'd been caught putting the woman on the phone into such a bad emotional state . Now the woman called back . She was still audibly rattled by whatever emotions my sales pitch had drawn up in her . But she had put a mask of order and professional retaliation over her distress . She was speaking to me about something - - perhaps about how nobody in her company would be interested in speaking to me . But something about what she was saying also made it sound like the woman had actually gotten in contact with her lawyers , in order to press charges against me for the emotional turmoil I 'd put her through . I may have tried to justify my actions to myself , to prove to myself that there was no way the woman could bring any charges against me . But I may not have been able to do so . I may have thought that , in my carelessness , I had done something , some little thing that was now slipping my mind , that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was guilty of wrongly injuring this woman emotionally . It was probably a sunny day . I was out with a group of people in front of some tall , steel - framed structure . There was an instructor who was telling us about the structure , which was something like a radio tower . The instructor was now going to take us up into the tower . I had been the most enthusiastic person in the group to go up to the top of the tower . But the instructor took the rest of the group up first . I was left below , possibly because there wasn 't enough room for me . Iwaited down below , possibly resting in the shade of the tower , sitting and with my back leaned against the tower , like one might rest in the shade of a tree . At some point the instructor may have called to me , via walkie - talkie , that it was now okay to come up . But now I thought how dizzyingly high the tower actually was . I was afraid to come up . I may even have had some excuse , like a technical justification , for not going up the tower . But now there was a huge storm brewing on the horizon . The storm moved quicly . Soon the sky was filled with dark grey clouds . But the real brunt of the storm was still in the distance . A grey - black cylinder of clouds was spinning around , revealing violent , white flashes of lightning between the clouds . It was now really dark and rainy . I found some place under the base of the tower that was like a ledge of concrete with some blankets underneath . I thought it was pretty silly to hide under a metal tower during a lightning storm . I thought the concrete shelter might be a slightly better hiding place . But it still didn 't seem too secure . Without my really noticing it , the shelter changed into a large room in a house . I was still laying in the huge pile of blankets , like I was in the shelter , but now the blankets were all piled up against a wall . The room was dark and calm , with the only light coming from some incandescent outdoor light for a backyard garden . My mother may also have been in this room . She may have been recovering from some illness or operation . She was probably laying on a couch . But then she was gone . It was like she wasn 't actually in the house yet , like she was still heading here from the hospital . I lay on the couch my mom had ( probably ) been laying on . It was red , upholstered with some thin , fake - leather material . It was narrow but long . I lay back on the couch . I suddenly felt sexually aroused . I may have wanted to masturbate . But I may have felt like the ghost of my great - grandmother was in the room . I didn 't want my great - grandmother to see me masturbating and be disappointed in me . I also may have felt like I 'd like to wear some women 's underwear , maybe even my great - grandmother 's underwear to masturbate in . I stood up and walked out into the hallway . I may have wandered around the house a bit . When I got back to the room my mom and brother may have been in there . My brother was taking care of my mom while she was recuperating . I felt like I was no longer welcome in the room . I may even have felt afraid to enter the room . I felt like something about me , probably my weird sexuality , had made my brother feel like I was not a fit person to be around my mom . I was in a small room , like some kind of backstage area , or maybe like a small makeup room inside a wagon car . A tall , big , fat man was with me . He was like my boss in whatever we were doing , possibly some kind of show . But he was also evil . I may have discovered this only recently . My boss became increasingly harsh toward me , approaching violence . I finally realized that I 'd need to kill him . My boss got angry with me for some reason or another and acted violently against me . He had some item that gave him strength . I took that item from him and managed to wrestle him to the ground . There was a cord , like an oxygen tube , attached to the man somehow . I probably used this cord to strangle the man to death . I ended up in another dimension . It was like the evil man , having been killed , gained some new powers . He used one of his new powers to send me to another dimension . I don 't remember what happened in that other dimension . Now I was back in the normal world . A young man was in the small room with me . He informed me , somehow , possibly not by speaking , that if I killed my boss it would only make things worse for me , and possibly for the whole world . If my boss were killed , he would gain powers . We weren 't trying to give my boss more power : we were trying to disable him . I was again alone with my boss in the small room . My boss became violent and attacked me . I easily obtained the object that gave my boss strength . My boss fell down and knelt on the floor . He was in perfect position fro being strangled to death . I knew I wasn 't supposed to kill my boss . I knew that he wanted it - - it gave him more power . It was almost like he 'd arranged for everything to happen just so I could kill him . It was too easy . I shouldn 't do it . But I was so angry with my boss that I really couldn 't help myself . A dream about Super Mario , in the style of the original Super Mario Bros . Mario slid down some slope , probably of green grass before a yellow sky . He then slung forward , out around a long row of bricks or coins . He then slung back , as quick as a chameleon 's tongue , either through the coins or up over the bricks and through a row of coins , and then headed back up the slope . There may have been another scene after this one . I was sitting out with my mother ( or perhaps my great - grandmother ? ) on a lawn on a sunny day . We were sitting out on a couple of lawn chairs , the long kind , with the reclining legs . The chairs were all white , with thick bands of plastic making up the backing . The lawn and the day felt a little damp , as if this were a warm day in early spring . There were probably other people out on the lawn , enjoying the day , but I wasn 't really aware of them . My mother ( regardless of who was really beside me ) was speaking about some condition that was kind of considered an illness that lesbians were considered to have . It had to do with either trying to seduce women who didn 't like lesbians , or with trying to seduce women who were involved with men who didn 't like lesbians . They didn 't really like the women they were seducing . They were just compelled to seduce the women . This was considered a real , medical condition , either physical or psychological . My mom was actually worried that a group of lesbians was , right now , trying to seduce my great - grandmother in this way . I now turned to my mother / great - grandmother , who sat to my right . If the person sitting next to me was my great - grandmother , she was probably wearing a big , round - brimmed , floppy hat and big sunglasses . I started complaining about some girl who was trying to seduce my ( now ex - ) girlfriend H away from me . In fact , she may already have seduced H away from me , and the two may have come out to me as lovers . H was still my friend . But the other girl just took every chance she could get to annoy me . If the person sitting next to me was my great - grandma , she may have given me some advice . But I think that now the person sitting next to me was my mother . I really didn 't want to complain about this kind of stuff to my mother . I was afraid she 'd actually try to do something about it . And I really didn 't want my mom involved in any of my business - - especially my romantic affairs . I felt like having my mom involved in my romantic affairs would make them like " kid stuff . " And I felt like having my mom involved in my romantic affairs would let her on to my fetishes . And if she were aware of my fetishes , I would feel really creepy . So I sat forward right away and told my mom that I already had things taken care of . I had a plan in my mind for how I would take care of the whole thing . I would just act friendly to the girl , no matter what , if I had to , and ignore the girl as completely as possible the whole rest of the time . And if I needed to confront the girl about anything else that would come up between us in day - to - day life , I 'd confront her like I 'd confront anybody else . As I was saying this , the girl walked up from the far right , from far out on the lawn . She walked up behind me and pushed against the soft back of my lawn chair , nudging me up . She meant to be annoying and mean . But it felt kind of nice , especially on my back , like when a cat rubs up against you or walks on you . The girl then sat next to me on the lawn chair . We sat rather close . I was determined to ignore the girl at all costs . But I suddenly got the idea that the girl wanted to be friendly with me now . I felt like H was coming soon . Usually the girl would take this opportunity to upset me while H wasn 't around . But it seemed like this time she was just trying to be nice . There was a feeling that H wasn 't going to be around , anyway , like she would eventually let us know she wouldn 't be able to meet us . I may have been reading a small , hardcover book , like an early - twentieth - century book of philosophy or science . The girl may have been reading a similar book . At some point the girl may have been the only one holding the book , while I may have been looking on . The girl may have rested her head on my shoulder . I remember seeing the girl 's knee bent up . The girl was probably wearing shorts . Her leg was really skinny . The girl may have had blankets crumpled around her shins at one point , too . The girl seemed to cuddle closer and closer to me . It seemed like she really liked me now . I kept my distance emotionally . But I was happy that the girl wasn 't being mean and annoying as usual . I thought that if this was the way she 'd be in general from now on , I could be pretty happy . The girl and I may have spoken about something in a happy , chatty sort of way . I was in a bedroom . The bedroom seemed enormous somehow , but it was stark and empty . Everything about the room may have been grey . A door may have been opened to a short hallway , across which was an open door to a bathroom with bright incandescent light and yellow and tan - orange walls . Dim , grey , natural light may have filled the bedroom . The only furniture in the bedroom was one bed ( or two beds ? ) - - really tall and really wide , but probably not soft and comfortable at all , and all grey . I was probably waiting for a phone call from my mother . There was some event I was going to go to with my mom . It was for either a few of my nephews or just my youngest nephew . I had the imagery of this event half - playing in my head throughout the rest of the dream - - as if I were already at the event I was waiting to head to , participating in the event in real time , simultaneously with my waiting in the bedroom . The event took place in an equally stark room . The room was huge , with yellow - painted plaster walls . The event was apparently very big . But the only people visible were my little nephew and a tall , kind of old - style , butlery - looking man with oiled hair and mustache and dress clothes - - maybe a red suit jacket ( ? ) . My nephew stood before a plastic toy stove . There was no other furnishing in the room . Sitting on the bed in the bedroom , I started eating some weird kind of food . It was probably a breakfast food . It seemed to be fried . The coating was like lightly fried breading . The inside may have been meat , or it may have been something like eggs or eggs and meat combined , with other stuff mixed in , like vegetables . The plate I ate off of had two of these things on it : each thing about the size of a scone or a piece of fried chicken breast . I was kind of hungry . But I had really only planned on taking a little bite out of the thing . But one bite was so good that I just wanted more . Before I knew it I had eaten almost an entire piece . The only part left of the piece I 'd eaten was a little corner , which I held kind of wrinkled up in my left hand , the piece folded like a towel , like it was nothing more , really , than the fried skin . I felt a little ashamed . Watching the scene in which my little nephew participated , I knew that what was happening there was some kind of cooking or eating event , and that I would be expected to eat there . I hadn 't really understood that before . But I should have known it . But now that I 'd eaten the food here in the bedroom , I knew my stomach probably wouldn 't be able to handle the food at the event as well . I had a choice - - either eat at the event , anyway , and make my body miserable , or not eat at the event and look like a snobby jerk in front of my nephew . I knew I 'd probably just eat . So I did my best , even though I was really hungry now , to stop myself from eating the second piece of food . But even while I told myself to resist eating the rest of the food , I was trying to justify eating it to myself . At the event , I now saw my little nephew 's toy stove top . Something was actually frying in a blue , plastic pan . It was probably two little pieces of meat in some grease . I had actually made this meat start cooking somehow . But it wasn 't actually supposed to have started cooking yet . There was a whole process to the cooking event . Now that the meat had started cooking , the whole process was ruined . Most likely , the process could also not be started over . I felt horrible about this . I felt like there had to be a way to reverse the process I 'd started . Even if there weren 't a way to reverse the process , perhaps there was a way to stop the damage at its current point . Besides , I told myself , this was a play stove , anyway . Did real rules apply to play stoves ? Even for cooking ? Wouldn 't there be a way a play stove could reverse the play cooking ? I looked all over the stove ( I may have been no taller than my little nephew - - or I may actually have had no body at all ! ) for some button or set of buttons that would reverse the process . Eventually I found something that seemed helpful , either under the pale blue , plastic pan itself or under some edge of the stove top . There was a little square of buttons , maybe pink , plastic buttons . One of the buttons said " BACK SPACE . " I knew this button , like the backspace button of a keyboard , would " erase " the mistake I had made . In the bedroom , I now received a text message from my aunt . ( Recently , in waking life , my aunt had caused a bit of a commotion in my family while my mom was recovering from a pretty serious hospital visit . ) The text message was terribly emotional , written in all caps , and just crying out stuff like , " I APOLOGIZE ! I APOLOGIZE ! " over and over again . I had a feeling I was going to see my aunt soon . It was like she had also been planning to attend this event with my little nephew . She may even have been planning to come pick me up so that we could both go to the event together . But I may have decided , after my aunt had caused a commotion , that I would keep a little bit of a distance from her . So now she may have been apologizing to me in order to get me to come with her to the event . Or she may have been apologizing in order to smooth things over so that , when we went to the event together as planned , there wouldn 't be any tension between us . I didn 't feel like my aunt needed to be so intense about her apology , though . I wondered whether it had been my own severe personality that had made her feel like she needed to be so intense . I told myself that in the future , even starting right now , I needed to project a more relaxed , less severe attitude to people . The white - haired man then walked in through the front door of a tall building while I stood out on the sidealk . It was a bright , sunny day . The doorway the man walked into was really dim . I wondered something about Warren Buffett , or possibly something about my brother . I felt like somehow the white - haired man had been related to one or both of them . But I couldn 't figure out how . And something about the sight of both of them made me feel bad about how I 've neglected my brother or treated him badly all my life . I was in the living room of my family 's house . It was a sunny day , and the living room was bright with natural light . None of the windows may have had any curtains . The windows , though , may have been grimy , as if kids had rubbed their sticky fingers against the panes . My mom was sitting at a side table with my second youngest nephew . I was sitting on the floor . My other nephews were running around somewhere nearby , maybe back and forth between the living room and the backyard . My second youngest nephew coul tell that I was getting frustrated . I may have been hoping that I could have a second or two to speak to my mom about something . But my nephews , it seemed to me , kept getting in my way . I couldn 't pay attention to anything my mom was saying . My nephew , sensing this , got up and walked away . He also came up to me before he left and said , " You know what ? I 'm going to be done with arcade games for the rest of the day ! " I knew my nephew said this to impress me . He meant to say that he was going to do his homework instead of playing video games . A recreational vehicle may have pulled up before my mom and I . The RV looked a little bit strange . Even though the RV towered over us like a three - story building , it didn 't look as big as a usual trailer , and the bottom end seemed a bit too high and flat . But I knew it was probably my brother 's , that my brother had been really enthusiastic about getting one , and so I tried to think as positively about the RV as I could . The RV had somehow separated my mother and me from the other people we 'd been with . So we walked back under the RV to get to them . Now , it seemed , the RV actually did feel gigantic to me . I looked over to the left . There were seats like in a movie theater . Before I even knew what the seats were for , I called to my mom , " Look ! See ? That 's a small movie theater . Inside an RV ! " There were a few people in the seats now . And now I could just barely make out where the movie screen was . I told my mom , " You see ? They can watch movies here . But also , there 's a way they can see through . . all the way . . . to the cabin . " As I said this , the front windshield became visible , gleaming with the golden light of an afternoon sun . But , to justify this view , I turned away from the theater and toward my mom . I said , " What happens is , there 's a hydraulic lift underneath the seats . When the people in the theater seats want to see outside instead of watching the movie , they just - - ' zzzhhhwwweeep ! ' up to see out the windshield . " I imagined the hydraulic lift , clean and chrome , telescoping upward . I tried to explain this visual to my mom . But the corollary for it seemed - - humorously - - to me to be the arm gesture for " fuck you . " I said to my mom , " It just goes ' zzzhhhwwweeep ! ' " and made the arm gesture , hoping she 'd see it as a joke . I knew my family members were talking about my mother . I thought they may have been talking bad about her , about something she did that they thought was annoying . I also thought they may have been talking about how they thought she was going to die . I hoped my family didn 't think my arm gesture was directed seriously toward my mom . But I also , now hoped , my mom didn 't think I 'd meant the arm gesture seriously . I had tried to make it as obviously joke - like as possible . But I remembered times my old friend R had disguised serious insults as jokes . I had the thought that , even if I 'd meant the arm gesture as a joke , I 'd also probably , at least partly , meant it seriously . I was in a dim living room with my mother and my nephews , and maybe some other kids who were like friends or classmates of my nephews . There were four couches in the living room , two side - by - side , and the other two facing the first two . They took up only half the living room . The other half of the room , apparently , was empty . Some of my crayon drawings were on the couch to my far right . I was a little worried that they had gotten out here . I knew I had some adult baby fetish drawings in the pile . I didn 't want any of the kids to see that stuff . I walked over to the pile of drawings to pick them up . My second oldest nephew said , " Your mom thinks a lot of your work is really creative . It 's really good . " I was happy to hear this . I never had much , or any , confidence in my work . Now I had a little . But then my nephew said , " But your mom doesn 't think any of your work is funny . She doesn 't think the jokes you make are funny . " I knew this was meant to discount all of my work , like none of it was valid , since none of it was funny . Now , coming into the salon , I saw , just past my mother , three girls , like sorority girls , all really pretty , with long legs , and dressed really sexy . The central girl was talking with the other girls , probably about her boss , who was probably a tall , handsome , older man . The girl said , " Yeah , my boss says I 'm energetic and greedy enough to make it in City Hall . " I looked down to the floor . Sitting across the salon from my mom was an old woman , like my father 's mother . The woman had had heart problems , I knew , like my mom was having . But the problems were also causing problems with the woman 's limbs . The woman 's feet , especially her toes , were all swollen . The skin looked like elephant skin . The toes may even have been melting into each other , so that each foot had only a couple of toes . One of the feet may , in fact , have been only one big toe . The toes wriggled about like sluggish worms . I may have been a woman . I had been with a group of other women . We had been out in some place like a forest at night . We had been doing something , but I had been sent out to retrieve one of our cars . I , possibly as myself , was now at the car . I may have been " outside , " though the appearance of my surroundings was more like the inside of a gigantic warehouse . There were huge , towering shelves everywhere , filled with supplies . I drove the car out around some chain - link fence . But as I drove , my vision got worse and worse : hazier and scratchier . Finally my headlights must have gone out . I couldn 't see anything . I really didn 't think it had anything to do with my headlights being out . I thought I couldn 't see because something was wrong with me physically or mentally . I lost control of my steering and crashed into the chain - link fence . Now that I 'd crashed , I could see again . I looked to my left . There was a long corridor , bordered on either side with chain - link fence . I may have seen a police car coming down the corridor , to where my car had crashed . I was afraid of trouble with the police . I didn 't want the police to catch me ( as myself or the woman ? ) in the car . Apparently I 'd done something against the law , and I didn 't want the police to identify me as the person who 'd done it . So I got out of the car and started walking down the corridor . The police had also gotten out of their cars . There were two officers . I passed the first one without any interaction from him at all . As I approached the second one , though , my vision became hazy and scratchy again . The officer said , " I really like your sweater . What is it ? Liz Arden ? " I was , I thought , myself , wearing my own clothes , my dress clothes for work , including a dress sweater . But now I realized I was actually wearing women 's clothes that were done in a style traditionally considered to be male . I wondered whether I was actually a woman . I passed down the corridor , to a point where I 'd need to turn right . But at this point there was a German Shepherd , a police dog . It was attached to a leash , which was attached to a wooden , red - painted breakfast table . There was a chair next to the table . I was afraid to pass the dog . I was afraid it would smell guilt on me and attack me . My view lifted high up in the air , high out of my body . The person now being attacked by the dog was a different man . I knew his story . He was being sought after by the police . He was suspected of murder and cannibalism . I was watching some video showing a lot of children playing around , probably in some really colorful , stage - like area , like a stage for a children 's television show . One of the children was wearing a really big diaper . The child looked too old to be wearing diapers by at least a couple of years . I was now in a bed in a dark bedroom . The TV I 'd been watching may have been somewhere nearby . I was wearing a diaper . I also had a gigantic diaper wrapped around a blanket . I was rubbing myself against the diaper and the blanket , as if I were having sex with a real person . But the diaper was so huge that my body was tilted up at a forty - five - degree angle . It was really uncomfortable . I wished I could either have sex with a real person or find a smaller diaper to put on my blanket . |
I was probably in an apartment at night . It was dark , and I probably couldn 't see anything , but I " saw " everything in the apartment as if it were a dark , dark grey , all the same exact grey , with fuzzy , shaky outlines delineating each thing . I had walked out of some room , possibly a bedroom , and into the kitchen , then from the kitchen into the dining room , to the left of which may have been the living room . All the time I had been walking I had been thinking about the origins of mankind . The story I had been hearing in my head had been a story which I didn 't like . I can 't remember it now . It may have had something to do with the evolution of man from animals . But I don 't quite think that was it . The story had a more disappointing , almost anticlimactic , feel to it than the normal story of evolution . And every person 's conception was similar to , if not exactly the same as , the overall origin of mankind . The story was even more of a letdown to me because of that . But I was now acting out the second story of the origin of mankind - - acting it out , apparently , as God was telling it to me . On the dining table was a strange candle . The flame was a sphere - - dark , dark grey , like everything else in the room , and waxy , not flame - like at all . The flame was maybe 18cm in diameter , and it overshadowed the actual candlestick , wherever the candlestick was . The flame was supposed to be the world . I bent down and stretched my hands toward the " heat " ( as nonexistent as the light ) of this flame . My hands were fetal : stubby , tinny , and seemingly boneless . I alternately breathed onto my hands and stretched my hands toward the heat of the flame . Both actions were done in order to heat my hands . When I stretched out my hands , I would open and close them . It seemed , as I was opening and closing my hands , that they were , very slowly , expanding and developing into more post - natal - looking hands . I understood this to be the origin of mankind . This origin seemed to be a lot more satisfying to me . But I may still have been disappointed by this story . After all , I had told myself that God had told me this story . But how did I know he 'd told it to me ? How did I know I hadn 't told myself the story , fooling myself into believing God was telling me , out of a desire to have a less disappointing story about the origins of man ? I can 't quite remember where I was at first . I had been having a conversation with a group of people , probably including my mother . Those people then went away . We had all been together at one location . But now we were split apart . I may have been trying to figure out how to get back to some of the people , at least my mother . But the people were all so far away . It was like I was in the mountains and they were somewhere else , maybe in a completely different mountain range , and that my only means of getting to that other place would imply a lot of trudging and tediousness . I was probably still in the mountains - - a sunny slope of copper pine - needle - strewn , dusty soil , with thin - trunked trees here and there around me . Before me were two women who I may have thought of as being from India . They were mother and daughter , both skinny , wearing shirts like modern t - shirts and skirts like colorful , traditional Indian skirts . I was now floating over either a map of the world or the world itself . I was only getting very tight views , which were never quite in alignment with exactly what I wanted to see . But I did get the idea from everything that there was a channel of water that connected , through India , around Eastern Europe , then down under Southern Europe , then alongside the northeastern edge of South America , which was apparently where Mexico was located . Some parts of the map blinked colors like a bruisy red , indicating key locations along the journey . One of these points was the location of the university in Mexico . One land mass struck me as very interesting . It was a large island . I thought it should have been a country itself , it was so large . But I couldn 't think of what country it could be . Somehow I made my view flash the names of all the countries I was seeing . This large island still had no name over it . As I tried to figure out more about this island , to figure out exactly where it was , the mother began speaking again . She told me that the daughter 's father ( ? ) had gone abroad for university as well . I imagined the father in a black and white photo , with kind of pale skin , a broad , square jaw , wavy hair combed back a bit , and thin , pudgy eyes . The mother spoke about the father not as if he 'd ever been her husband , but as if he 'd been a fairy tale male figure in the life of some other , fairy - tale - like woman the mother had known , possibly a woman very much like the mother saw the daughter as being . The mother told me that the father had gone to the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering . She said it almost apologetically , like there was some stigma of a lower level of education or lower cultural class from a school devoted only to electrical engineering . The school had , actually , struck me at first as not being a great school . But I wanted to defend the mother 's emotions and let her think that the school was good . But the more I thought about it , the more I realized that the school was probably a very good school . It was the school , I now reflected , of electrical engineering for the entire nation of XXXXX . In the United States , I knew , we had schools for electrical engineering for entire states , such as , I told myself , the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering . My view was now of the mountain slope and the two women again . I tried to tell the mother about the XXXXX School for Electrical Engineering in the United States . But I didn 't express very well what a prestigious school it was . The mother said there was another school like it . I thought of MIT , though I couldn 't remember what the acronym stood for . I told the mother that MIT was a good school , and that the people from there were known for being highly cultured as well as very proficient at electrical engineering . The mother now told me a story about the father - - now , possibly , as if the father actually had been the mother 's husband . But the mother now looked a lot different . She was square - framed , possibly overweight , with baggy , turtle - like skin , saggy , pale eyes , and pale red - brown hair . She wore a pink - tan or orange - tan t - shirt that somehow didn 't fit her very well , like it was skewed or crooked on her body . The mother told a story about postcards , and possibly letters , the father would send back home . The letters were apparently diligent and romantic . But they may also have had some comic , eccentric element to them . The father 's method of sending the postcards may also have been eccentric somehow . The mother kept using the word " she " when she spoke about the father . It was like she wasn 't very good at English . She would say " she " when using the pronoun in the nominative sense . But when using a possessive pronoun referring to the father , she 'd said " his . " Occasionally she may have mixed things up even further by switching up and saying " he " and " her . " The mother may have been slightly aware of her mistake . She may even have tried to apologize for it at some point . But it became clear that she was moving through her story as quickly as she could , and struggling hard to state everything else as clearly as she could in English , and still only achieving a halting relation of her story . So she simply couldn 't take the time to get every pronoun 's gender correct . I did my best to listen to the mother without showing any sign that I was even aware of her mistakes . I was laying on a couch in a big living room . The couch was all done up as a bed , with sheets , blankets , etc . My head lay on one of the arms of the couch . The couch was probably near a window , through which moonlight probably shone . A cat was now on the couch with me . And instead of laying with my head on the arm of the couch , I was curled up in some strange position , so that my head was near the center of the couch , but my arms and legs were both pointed toward the same arm of the couch . I was probably also leaning against the back of the couch . The cat had been sitting on my legs and arms . It now stood up and defecated on my hands . It just kept crapping and crapping . Before long , a few long , warm pieces of crap were piled on my hands . The cat then jumped off the couch and walked away . I either stood up or figured I would have to stand up soon . I knew I 'd need to clean the crap off my hands and the couch . But I also had to do something to the cat itself . I may have needed to clean the cat , so as , somehow retroactively , to clean the feces that had come out of the cat . I may also have thought I 'd need to teach the cat to use a litter box . This also would have some kind of retroactive effect on the feces already on the couch . I may also have thought I 'd need ( or want ? ) to punish the cat by hitting it hard . I was in a room that was like a living room or a bedroom in a suburban house . The room was probably unfurnished . The walls were white . The floor was white carpet . There were some windows high up on the wall letting in stark , white sunlight - - though the light may somehow have been blocked by gauzy curtains or by some kind of fabric around my own head . I sat all wrapped up in blankets on the floor . I was leaning against something like the bottom of an overturned armchair , pressing myself against a black , mesh - like fabric . I was listening to a conversation in a conference room . BS , my old boss from a few years ago , was speaking with some other person . The other person was telling BS how some young man had done a really good job on some project . The young man had put a lot of effort into the project , and the project had , apparently , made a lot of money for the company . So the other person felt it was only right to give the young man a raise . But BS - - who may not even have worked for the same company as the young man and the other man ! - - didn 't feel that was right . BS was obviously feeling greedy for money and glory , and didn 't want to portion any of it out to any other person - - especially a young man . This was all obvious in some initial , non - verbal , grunts and moans BS gave in reaction to what the other man had said . Then BS started trying to give an intelligent - sounding reasoning for why the young man deserved neither a raise , a promotion , nor recognition . This all sounded horribly characteristic of BS to me . I felt like I needed to call BS on his creepy demeanor this time around - - if not to defend myself against what I felt he had done to me , then at least to defend another person from being victim to the same thing that had been done to me . But I may have realized , at some point , that BS and the other man had been speaking about me . I now saw that behind the black , mesh - like fabric against which I was pressing myself ( which was now at the bottom of something more like a kitchen chair than an armchair ) was a Polycom conference call phone unit . I had been hearing the conversation via this unit . I also realized that my line wasn 't muted . So I could speak into the room and be heard . So , right in the middle of BS ' speech on why the young man shouldn 't be granted anything , I simply called out , " Ah . . . Old BS ! " I pronounced his whole name , slowly , like an old radio announcer . BS immediately recognized my voice . He was angry that an eavesdropper had caught him in a conversation . But he was infuriated that I personally was the eavesdropper . He shouted in rage , his shout increasing sharply in intensity . I was in a room like a basement living room . There were some other people , probably young men and women , in the room . But the room was mostly dark , and I really couldn 't see the other people . The other people sat close to each other . But I was kind of separated from them . We may all have been sitting on the floor , under blankets , though I may have been standing at first . The only light coming into the room was from the top of a stairwell . It was natural light , but only a few slivers of light came down into the room . This room may have been " my office . " But it may also have been some place where I and the rest of the group - - probably my co - workers - - were having some get - together or party , maybe even a slumber party . But I was still working , even though we were at this party . It may have been that we were all just waking up after the night of the slumber party , and that I was now trying to catch up on a little bit of work . I was on an iPhone , speaking to a person in some company . I was trying to locate the head of the company , so I could make a sales pitch to that person . I was speaking with a woman who was , at first , something like the receptionist for the company . The woman at first began by acting as if she didn 't have time for me and didn 't want to pass me along to anybody else within the company . But as I continued my pitch and continued asking for a higher - level person within the organization , the woman got more upset . It was like I was somehow playing with her emotions in a bad way . Somehow the family relations within this company were in disarray . It became apparent that the woman couldn 't discuss the higher - level person because it made her unbearably sad . She was now so dazed by her sadness that she couldn 't even carry on a coherent conversation . She told me that she had to get off the phone and that , if she felt the need to do so , she 'd get back to me . I hung up the phone . The iPhone 's face was full of icons and had a lava - red background . I now stood closer to the rest of the people in the basement . I felt a little ashamed . They 'd obviously just heard my whole conversation . I was a little ashamed , first of all , that I 'd been caught working at a time like this , when everybody else was either sleeping or having fun . But I also felt a little ashamed that I 'd been caught putting the woman on the phone into such a bad emotional state . Now the woman called back . She was still audibly rattled by whatever emotions my sales pitch had drawn up in her . But she had put a mask of order and professional retaliation over her distress . She was speaking to me about something - - perhaps about how nobody in her company would be interested in speaking to me . But something about what she was saying also made it sound like the woman had actually gotten in contact with her lawyers , in order to press charges against me for the emotional turmoil I 'd put her through . I may have tried to justify my actions to myself , to prove to myself that there was no way the woman could bring any charges against me . But I may not have been able to do so . I may have thought that , in my carelessness , I had done something , some little thing that was now slipping my mind , that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was guilty of wrongly injuring this woman emotionally . It was probably a sunny day . I was out with a group of people in front of some tall , steel - framed structure . There was an instructor who was telling us about the structure , which was something like a radio tower . The instructor was now going to take us up into the tower . I had been the most enthusiastic person in the group to go up to the top of the tower . But the instructor took the rest of the group up first . I was left below , possibly because there wasn 't enough room for me . Iwaited down below , possibly resting in the shade of the tower , sitting and with my back leaned against the tower , like one might rest in the shade of a tree . At some point the instructor may have called to me , via walkie - talkie , that it was now okay to come up . But now I thought how dizzyingly high the tower actually was . I was afraid to come up . I may even have had some excuse , like a technical justification , for not going up the tower . But now there was a huge storm brewing on the horizon . The storm moved quicly . Soon the sky was filled with dark grey clouds . But the real brunt of the storm was still in the distance . A grey - black cylinder of clouds was spinning around , revealing violent , white flashes of lightning between the clouds . It was now really dark and rainy . I found some place under the base of the tower that was like a ledge of concrete with some blankets underneath . I thought it was pretty silly to hide under a metal tower during a lightning storm . I thought the concrete shelter might be a slightly better hiding place . But it still didn 't seem too secure . Without my really noticing it , the shelter changed into a large room in a house . I was still laying in the huge pile of blankets , like I was in the shelter , but now the blankets were all piled up against a wall . The room was dark and calm , with the only light coming from some incandescent outdoor light for a backyard garden . My mother may also have been in this room . She may have been recovering from some illness or operation . She was probably laying on a couch . But then she was gone . It was like she wasn 't actually in the house yet , like she was still heading here from the hospital . I lay on the couch my mom had ( probably ) been laying on . It was red , upholstered with some thin , fake - leather material . It was narrow but long . I lay back on the couch . I suddenly felt sexually aroused . I may have wanted to masturbate . But I may have felt like the ghost of my great - grandmother was in the room . I didn 't want my great - grandmother to see me masturbating and be disappointed in me . I also may have felt like I 'd like to wear some women 's underwear , maybe even my great - grandmother 's underwear to masturbate in . I stood up and walked out into the hallway . I may have wandered around the house a bit . When I got back to the room my mom and brother may have been in there . My brother was taking care of my mom while she was recuperating . I felt like I was no longer welcome in the room . I may even have felt afraid to enter the room . I felt like something about me , probably my weird sexuality , had made my brother feel like I was not a fit person to be around my mom . I was in a small room , like some kind of backstage area , or maybe like a small makeup room inside a wagon car . A tall , big , fat man was with me . He was like my boss in whatever we were doing , possibly some kind of show . But he was also evil . I may have discovered this only recently . My boss became increasingly harsh toward me , approaching violence . I finally realized that I 'd need to kill him . My boss got angry with me for some reason or another and acted violently against me . He had some item that gave him strength . I took that item from him and managed to wrestle him to the ground . There was a cord , like an oxygen tube , attached to the man somehow . I probably used this cord to strangle the man to death . I ended up in another dimension . It was like the evil man , having been killed , gained some new powers . He used one of his new powers to send me to another dimension . I don 't remember what happened in that other dimension . Now I was back in the normal world . A young man was in the small room with me . He informed me , somehow , possibly not by speaking , that if I killed my boss it would only make things worse for me , and possibly for the whole world . If my boss were killed , he would gain powers . We weren 't trying to give my boss more power : we were trying to disable him . I was again alone with my boss in the small room . My boss became violent and attacked me . I easily obtained the object that gave my boss strength . My boss fell down and knelt on the floor . He was in perfect position fro being strangled to death . I knew I wasn 't supposed to kill my boss . I knew that he wanted it - - it gave him more power . It was almost like he 'd arranged for everything to happen just so I could kill him . It was too easy . I shouldn 't do it . But I was so angry with my boss that I really couldn 't help myself . A dream about Super Mario , in the style of the original Super Mario Bros . Mario slid down some slope , probably of green grass before a yellow sky . He then slung forward , out around a long row of bricks or coins . He then slung back , as quick as a chameleon 's tongue , either through the coins or up over the bricks and through a row of coins , and then headed back up the slope . There may have been another scene after this one . I was sitting out with my mother ( or perhaps my great - grandmother ? ) on a lawn on a sunny day . We were sitting out on a couple of lawn chairs , the long kind , with the reclining legs . The chairs were all white , with thick bands of plastic making up the backing . The lawn and the day felt a little damp , as if this were a warm day in early spring . There were probably other people out on the lawn , enjoying the day , but I wasn 't really aware of them . My mother ( regardless of who was really beside me ) was speaking about some condition that was kind of considered an illness that lesbians were considered to have . It had to do with either trying to seduce women who didn 't like lesbians , or with trying to seduce women who were involved with men who didn 't like lesbians . They didn 't really like the women they were seducing . They were just compelled to seduce the women . This was considered a real , medical condition , either physical or psychological . My mom was actually worried that a group of lesbians was , right now , trying to seduce my great - grandmother in this way . I now turned to my mother / great - grandmother , who sat to my right . If the person sitting next to me was my great - grandmother , she was probably wearing a big , round - brimmed , floppy hat and big sunglasses . I started complaining about some girl who was trying to seduce my ( now ex - ) girlfriend H away from me . In fact , she may already have seduced H away from me , and the two may have come out to me as lovers . H was still my friend . But the other girl just took every chance she could get to annoy me . If the person sitting next to me was my great - grandma , she may have given me some advice . But I think that now the person sitting next to me was my mother . I really didn 't want to complain about this kind of stuff to my mother . I was afraid she 'd actually try to do something about it . And I really didn 't want my mom involved in any of my business - - especially my romantic affairs . I felt like having my mom involved in my romantic affairs would make them like " kid stuff . " And I felt like having my mom involved in my romantic affairs would let her on to my fetishes . And if she were aware of my fetishes , I would feel really creepy . So I sat forward right away and told my mom that I already had things taken care of . I had a plan in my mind for how I would take care of the whole thing . I would just act friendly to the girl , no matter what , if I had to , and ignore the girl as completely as possible the whole rest of the time . And if I needed to confront the girl about anything else that would come up between us in day - to - day life , I 'd confront her like I 'd confront anybody else . As I was saying this , the girl walked up from the far right , from far out on the lawn . She walked up behind me and pushed against the soft back of my lawn chair , nudging me up . She meant to be annoying and mean . But it felt kind of nice , especially on my back , like when a cat rubs up against you or walks on you . The girl then sat next to me on the lawn chair . We sat rather close . I was determined to ignore the girl at all costs . But I suddenly got the idea that the girl wanted to be friendly with me now . I felt like H was coming soon . Usually the girl would take this opportunity to upset me while H wasn 't around . But it seemed like this time she was just trying to be nice . There was a feeling that H wasn 't going to be around , anyway , like she would eventually let us know she wouldn 't be able to meet us . I may have been reading a small , hardcover book , like an early - twentieth - century book of philosophy or science . The girl may have been reading a similar book . At some point the girl may have been the only one holding the book , while I may have been looking on . The girl may have rested her head on my shoulder . I remember seeing the girl 's knee bent up . The girl was probably wearing shorts . Her leg was really skinny . The girl may have had blankets crumpled around her shins at one point , too . The girl seemed to cuddle closer and closer to me . It seemed like she really liked me now . I kept my distance emotionally . But I was happy that the girl wasn 't being mean and annoying as usual . I thought that if this was the way she 'd be in general from now on , I could be pretty happy . The girl and I may have spoken about something in a happy , chatty sort of way . I was in a bedroom . The bedroom seemed enormous somehow , but it was stark and empty . Everything about the room may have been grey . A door may have been opened to a short hallway , across which was an open door to a bathroom with bright incandescent light and yellow and tan - orange walls . Dim , grey , natural light may have filled the bedroom . The only furniture in the bedroom was one bed ( or two beds ? ) - - really tall and really wide , but probably not soft and comfortable at all , and all grey . I was probably waiting for a phone call from my mother . There was some event I was going to go to with my mom . It was for either a few of my nephews or just my youngest nephew . I had the imagery of this event half - playing in my head throughout the rest of the dream - - as if I were already at the event I was waiting to head to , participating in the event in real time , simultaneously with my waiting in the bedroom . The event took place in an equally stark room . The room was huge , with yellow - painted plaster walls . The event was apparently very big . But the only people visible were my little nephew and a tall , kind of old - style , butlery - looking man with oiled hair and mustache and dress clothes - - maybe a red suit jacket ( ? ) . My nephew stood before a plastic toy stove . There was no other furnishing in the room . Sitting on the bed in the bedroom , I started eating some weird kind of food . It was probably a breakfast food . It seemed to be fried . The coating was like lightly fried breading . The inside may have been meat , or it may have been something like eggs or eggs and meat combined , with other stuff mixed in , like vegetables . The plate I ate off of had two of these things on it : each thing about the size of a scone or a piece of fried chicken breast . I was kind of hungry . But I had really only planned on taking a little bite out of the thing . But one bite was so good that I just wanted more . Before I knew it I had eaten almost an entire piece . The only part left of the piece I 'd eaten was a little corner , which I held kind of wrinkled up in my left hand , the piece folded like a towel , like it was nothing more , really , than the fried skin . I felt a little ashamed . Watching the scene in which my little nephew participated , I knew that what was happening there was some kind of cooking or eating event , and that I would be expected to eat there . I hadn 't really understood that before . But I should have known it . But now that I 'd eaten the food here in the bedroom , I knew my stomach probably wouldn 't be able to handle the food at the event as well . I had a choice - - either eat at the event , anyway , and make my body miserable , or not eat at the event and look like a snobby jerk in front of my nephew . I knew I 'd probably just eat . So I did my best , even though I was really hungry now , to stop myself from eating the second piece of food . But even while I told myself to resist eating the rest of the food , I was trying to justify eating it to myself . At the event , I now saw my little nephew 's toy stove top . Something was actually frying in a blue , plastic pan . It was probably two little pieces of meat in some grease . I had actually made this meat start cooking somehow . But it wasn 't actually supposed to have started cooking yet . There was a whole process to the cooking event . Now that the meat had started cooking , the whole process was ruined . Most likely , the process could also not be started over . I felt horrible about this . I felt like there had to be a way to reverse the process I 'd started . Even if there weren 't a way to reverse the process , perhaps there was a way to stop the damage at its current point . Besides , I told myself , this was a play stove , anyway . Did real rules apply to play stoves ? Even for cooking ? Wouldn 't there be a way a play stove could reverse the play cooking ? I looked all over the stove ( I may have been no taller than my little nephew - - or I may actually have had no body at all ! ) for some button or set of buttons that would reverse the process . Eventually I found something that seemed helpful , either under the pale blue , plastic pan itself or under some edge of the stove top . There was a little square of buttons , maybe pink , plastic buttons . One of the buttons said " BACK SPACE . " I knew this button , like the backspace button of a keyboard , would " erase " the mistake I had made . In the bedroom , I now received a text message from my aunt . ( Recently , in waking life , my aunt had caused a bit of a commotion in my family while my mom was recovering from a pretty serious hospital visit . ) The text message was terribly emotional , written in all caps , and just crying out stuff like , " I APOLOGIZE ! I APOLOGIZE ! " over and over again . I had a feeling I was going to see my aunt soon . It was like she had also been planning to attend this event with my little nephew . She may even have been planning to come pick me up so that we could both go to the event together . But I may have decided , after my aunt had caused a commotion , that I would keep a little bit of a distance from her . So now she may have been apologizing to me in order to get me to come with her to the event . Or she may have been apologizing in order to smooth things over so that , when we went to the event together as planned , there wouldn 't be any tension between us . I didn 't feel like my aunt needed to be so intense about her apology , though . I wondered whether it had been my own severe personality that had made her feel like she needed to be so intense . I told myself that in the future , even starting right now , I needed to project a more relaxed , less severe attitude to people . The white - haired man then walked in through the front door of a tall building while I stood out on the sidealk . It was a bright , sunny day . The doorway the man walked into was really dim . I wondered something about Warren Buffett , or possibly something about my brother . I felt like somehow the white - haired man had been related to one or both of them . But I couldn 't figure out how . And something about the sight of both of them made me feel bad about how I 've neglected my brother or treated him badly all my life . I was in the living room of my family 's house . It was a sunny day , and the living room was bright with natural light . None of the windows may have had any curtains . The windows , though , may have been grimy , as if kids had rubbed their sticky fingers against the panes . My mom was sitting at a side table with my second youngest nephew . I was sitting on the floor . My other nephews were running around somewhere nearby , maybe back and forth between the living room and the backyard . My second youngest nephew coul tell that I was getting frustrated . I may have been hoping that I could have a second or two to speak to my mom about something . But my nephews , it seemed to me , kept getting in my way . I couldn 't pay attention to anything my mom was saying . My nephew , sensing this , got up and walked away . He also came up to me before he left and said , " You know what ? I 'm going to be done with arcade games for the rest of the day ! " I knew my nephew said this to impress me . He meant to say that he was going to do his homework instead of playing video games . A recreational vehicle may have pulled up before my mom and I . The RV looked a little bit strange . Even though the RV towered over us like a three - story building , it didn 't look as big as a usual trailer , and the bottom end seemed a bit too high and flat . But I knew it was probably my brother 's , that my brother had been really enthusiastic about getting one , and so I tried to think as positively about the RV as I could . The RV had somehow separated my mother and me from the other people we 'd been with . So we walked back under the RV to get to them . Now , it seemed , the RV actually did feel gigantic to me . I looked over to the left . There were seats like in a movie theater . Before I even knew what the seats were for , I called to my mom , " Look ! See ? That 's a small movie theater . Inside an RV ! " There were a few people in the seats now . And now I could just barely make out where the movie screen was . I told my mom , " You see ? They can watch movies here . But also , there 's a way they can see through . . all the way . . . to the cabin . " As I said this , the front windshield became visible , gleaming with the golden light of an afternoon sun . But , to justify this view , I turned away from the theater and toward my mom . I said , " What happens is , there 's a hydraulic lift underneath the seats . When the people in the theater seats want to see outside instead of watching the movie , they just - - ' zzzhhhwwweeep ! ' up to see out the windshield . " I imagined the hydraulic lift , clean and chrome , telescoping upward . I tried to explain this visual to my mom . But the corollary for it seemed - - humorously - - to me to be the arm gesture for " fuck you . " I said to my mom , " It just goes ' zzzhhhwwweeep ! ' " and made the arm gesture , hoping she 'd see it as a joke . I knew my family members were talking about my mother . I thought they may have been talking bad about her , about something she did that they thought was annoying . I also thought they may have been talking about how they thought she was going to die . I hoped my family didn 't think my arm gesture was directed seriously toward my mom . But I also , now hoped , my mom didn 't think I 'd meant the arm gesture seriously . I had tried to make it as obviously joke - like as possible . But I remembered times my old friend R had disguised serious insults as jokes . I had the thought that , even if I 'd meant the arm gesture as a joke , I 'd also probably , at least partly , meant it seriously . I was in a dim living room with my mother and my nephews , and maybe some other kids who were like friends or classmates of my nephews . There were four couches in the living room , two side - by - side , and the other two facing the first two . They took up only half the living room . The other half of the room , apparently , was empty . Some of my crayon drawings were on the couch to my far right . I was a little worried that they had gotten out here . I knew I had some adult baby fetish drawings in the pile . I didn 't want any of the kids to see that stuff . I walked over to the pile of drawings to pick them up . My second oldest nephew said , " Your mom thinks a lot of your work is really creative . It 's really good . " I was happy to hear this . I never had much , or any , confidence in my work . Now I had a little . But then my nephew said , " But your mom doesn 't think any of your work is funny . She doesn 't think the jokes you make are funny . " I knew this was meant to discount all of my work , like none of it was valid , since none of it was funny . Now , coming into the salon , I saw , just past my mother , three girls , like sorority girls , all really pretty , with long legs , and dressed really sexy . The central girl was talking with the other girls , probably about her boss , who was probably a tall , handsome , older man . The girl said , " Yeah , my boss says I 'm energetic and greedy enough to make it in City Hall . " I looked down to the floor . Sitting across the salon from my mom was an old woman , like my father 's mother . The woman had had heart problems , I knew , like my mom was having . But the problems were also causing problems with the woman 's limbs . The woman 's feet , especially her toes , were all swollen . The skin looked like elephant skin . The toes may even have been melting into each other , so that each foot had only a couple of toes . One of the feet may , in fact , have been only one big toe . The toes wriggled about like sluggish worms . I may have been a woman . I had been with a group of other women . We had been out in some place like a forest at night . We had been doing something , but I had been sent out to retrieve one of our cars . I , possibly as myself , was now at the car . I may have been " outside , " though the appearance of my surroundings was more like the inside of a gigantic warehouse . There were huge , towering shelves everywhere , filled with supplies . I drove the car out around some chain - link fence . But as I drove , my vision got worse and worse : hazier and scratchier . Finally my headlights must have gone out . I couldn 't see anything . I really didn 't think it had anything to do with my headlights being out . I thought I couldn 't see because something was wrong with me physically or mentally . I lost control of my steering and crashed into the chain - link fence . Now that I 'd crashed , I could see again . I looked to my left . There was a long corridor , bordered on either side with chain - link fence . I may have seen a police car coming down the corridor , to where my car had crashed . I was afraid of trouble with the police . I didn 't want the police to catch me ( as myself or the woman ? ) in the car . Apparently I 'd done something against the law , and I didn 't want the police to identify me as the person who 'd done it . So I got out of the car and started walking down the corridor . The police had also gotten out of their cars . There were two officers . I passed the first one without any interaction from him at all . As I approached the second one , though , my vision became hazy and scratchy again . The officer said , " I really like your sweater . What is it ? Liz Arden ? " I was , I thought , myself , wearing my own clothes , my dress clothes for work , including a dress sweater . But now I realized I was actually wearing women 's clothes that were done in a style traditionally considered to be male . I wondered whether I was actually a woman . I passed down the corridor , to a point where I 'd need to turn right . But at this point there was a German Shepherd , a police dog . It was attached to a leash , which was attached to a wooden , red - painted breakfast table . There was a chair next to the table . I was afraid to pass the dog . I was afraid it would smell guilt on me and attack me . My view lifted high up in the air , high out of my body . The person now being attacked by the dog was a different man . I knew his story . He was being sought after by the police . He was suspected of murder and cannibalism . I was watching some video showing a lot of children playing around , probably in some really colorful , stage - like area , like a stage for a children 's television show . One of the children was wearing a really big diaper . The child looked too old to be wearing diapers by at least a couple of years . I was now in a bed in a dark bedroom . The TV I 'd been watching may have been somewhere nearby . I was wearing a diaper . I also had a gigantic diaper wrapped around a blanket . I was rubbing myself against the diaper and the blanket , as if I were having sex with a real person . But the diaper was so huge that my body was tilted up at a forty - five - degree angle . It was really uncomfortable . I wished I could either have sex with a real person or find a smaller diaper to put on my blanket . |
Hi ! Welcome to my website , which is just my online portfolio . This portfolio is open for any companies or studios interested in hiring me to see . I want to get a job as a animator , but I am also interested in having a job as a writer or a game designer . Here , you will see my artwork , writing , and other stuff I have done . I hope you like what you see . Category : Writing New follower + The start of a new chapter Firstly , I discovered that the site has a new follower . Allow me to thank Jack Bennett for following the blog . I hope you enjoy yourself and I hope you check out the pages . Speaking of which , I just added the new chapter of " Realm of Madness " . If you want to read it , click here to visit the page . Also , I 'm starting a new chapter of my other story , " Maybelline the Magnificent " . I only have the beginning of the chapter , but I still want to show it to you . I 'll let you know when I 'm done with the chapter . Maybelline glanced at the wall clock above the nightstand , then at Joey 's bed . The small lump underneath the white blanket was still , saved for the steady rise and fall of what appeared to be Joey 's chest . It was a little bit before midnight and Joey was fast asleep in his bed . He had fallen asleep halfway through Maybelline 's story and she had tucked him in with the blanket . Not bothering to change into her nightclothes , Maybelline had climbed into her own bed and tried to sleep herself . It was nine o ' clock when she laid down to sleep , and it was four in the morning when she awoken . Slowly , she climbed out of bed , put her the boots back on her feet and grabbed her hat and coat from the bedpost . On her way to the door , she grabbed her toolbelt from the bedpost . She opened the door , wincing at the creaking it made . She glanced back at Joey , who was , fortunately for her , still asleep . She breathed a breath of relief , before heading out the door and closing it behind her . On the borders of Cobalt County , she stood near the lone , rusted post that was Cobalt County 's only bus stop . She was waiting for the midnight bus that would take her to Neon City . After thirty minutes or so of waiting , the blue and yellow bus was seemed coming up the hill . It stopped in front of the post . With a metallic clink , the door swung open . The driver , a middle - aged man with a grey beard , tripped him hat to Maybelline as she stepped into the bus . He asked her where she was going at this early hour . She told him that she was just making a trip into the city to buy some breakfast . She paid the fare and took a seat behind the driver . The bus started and they rode down the winding road . The ride was quiet , saved for Maybelline answering the bus driver 's many questions . He asked why she was buying breakfast so early . She took him that the stores always had the best stuff early in the morning , which seemed to satisfy him . He then asked about her parents and about her friends . She didn 't how to answer those questions , she didn 't have any parents or friends , so she took him whatever seemed to satisfy him . As the bus rode down the road , Maybelline watched the small , one - story houses pass by in her window . Cobalt County was a rural area . It was empty , saved for a handful of houses that were at least a mile apart from each other . Whenever Maybelline rode the bus into the city , she couldn 't help but feel sorrow . Everything about Cobalt County was depressing . The houses were small , cramp , and unstable , saved for the orphanage , which was the largest and oldest building in the county . The land was hard and , for most of the year , not suitable for farming . The people were hard - hearted and lack compassion . By danniellemarshin Links to Pages , WritingJune 17 , 2017621 WordsLeave a comment New Chapter is finally done ! Chapter three of " Realm of Madness " is finally done ! Sorry for not posting anything for the last few days . The chapter became longer than I thought it would be , but I still think it 's a good chapter . I added a lot of characteristic and backstory . I hope you enjoy it . Beyond the sliding glass door was our backyard . Large and colorful flowers decorated the ground . The grass was always neatly cut . An old willow tree that grew in the middle of the backyard shaded a polished white table with white fancy yard chairs sitting around it . On the table was a white vase with yellow orchids in it . A white picket fence separated our yard from the neighbor 's yard . I found my great uncle sitting on the wooden bench on the back porch . " Great Uncle Arthur ! " I shouted in glee . I ran up to him and wrapped my tiny arms around his waist . He chuckled in his gruffly and patted me on the head . Arthur was the uncle of my father . He was about as tall my father , though , due to his bad back , he was hunched forward and looked shorter . He was over sixty and needed carry a wooden cane to help support him , but other than that he was perfectly healthy . His short , white hair was always combed back and tied into a ponytail . His bright blue eyes were always full of life and energy . He wore his usual black jacket over his usual white shirt , black pants , and black tie . My great uncle was the quintessential old man : wise , traditional , and a little grumpy at times . I loved him for it . For the longest time , he was my best friend and , through I could never say it aloud , I always felt better when he was with me . I went to sit next to him on the bench . He looked me squarely in the eye and asked : " How are you feeling , Mary ? " I could only shrug . If you haven 't already figured out what was wrong with me , then I 'll just come out and say it : I was suffering from depression . It was because of my depression I was crying in the playground . I was always sad . Despair was constantly with me like a shadow . Somedays , it felt as if I was drowning in a sea of my own tears . It soon became harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning . Most days , I would refuse to eat anything . I isolated myself from my peers because I didn 't find the games that they would play enjoyable . I become so tired during the day that I sometimes sleep during my classes . The activities that the teachers would have us do didn 't bring me pleasure or joy . Almost nothing could make me happy . It might seem odd considering how young I was . You usually don 't think about severe depression when you think about children . Children were , after all , symbols of innocence and joy . Children were supposed to bring happiness wherever they went ; they didn 't get depression , only grow - ups did . Truth is , I was very different from other children . Though , I didn 't realize just how different I was until the day I spoke to Arthur . It was June of last year ; I was eleven - years - old . We were having a small get - together in the backyard as we did on most weekends . My mother , the hostess , as always , had invited most of the block . My father and Flint were in the den playing some kind of card game with my father 's friends from the army . I could hear their boisterous laughter , even from my spot on the back porch . Meanwhile , my mother and Marine were at the table , chatting with the other mothers while enjoying some meatloaf that my mother made . " Marine is the co - head cheerleader at her school , and Flint is the star player of his basketball team ! " I heard my mother boast . From my seat , I watched the children of the other families played with our yard toys . I was the only child who wasn 't playing . Then , Arthur came up to me . He sat next to me on the bench and we started talking . He asked me why I wasn 't playing with the other children . I just broke down . I told him everything , how angry and sad I was , how tired I was during the day , how I hadn 't been eating , how I was having trouble concentrating in school , and how I been having headaches or stomachaches ; I even cried into my hands . Arthur was a professor at a university in Jersey City , in the psychology department . Before that , he was a social worker at a middle school . Even at a young age , I knew he was well - versed in child psychology , so I immediately believed him when he told me : " I believe you are suffering from early - onset depression . " Arthur began to rub my back in a comforting gesture . It was more than enough to quiet my sobs . I removed my face from my hands and looked up at him . " Don 't fret , Mary . " He told me . " We 'll make it stop . We 'll just need the proper treatment . " As he rubbed my back , I felt a contentment that I hadn 't felt in a long time . I felt as though I was being looked at for the first time . I don 't mean the regular way that someone looks at someone else , I mean the special way that someone looks at someone else . How do I describe it ? Usual where someone just looks at you , they 're only looking at the superficial things like clothes or hair , but when someone really looked at you , they see more than hair or clothing . They see the aura that surrounds you , and they see inside your heart . That was what Arthur did . Somehow , saw my sadness , and then took the time to listen to my problems . There was probably over a dozen people at our house , but only he saw . I liked being looked at . " I 'll talk to your parents about finding the right psychotherapist . " Said my great uncle . At the time , I didn 't know what a psychotherapist was , but I smiled nevertheless . Someone must had saw me cry and told my mother , because it wasn 't long before I noticed my mother making her toward us . I 've seen mother worry about their children before , but there wasn 't a hint of worry on my mother 's face . Instead , there was only annoyance . " What did you do ? ! " She said in voice loud enough to sound threatening , but silent enough so the other mothers or children couldn 't hear . It already angered me , the way she blamed Arthur . Any other person would had been offended , but Arthur didn 't let it get to him . As always , my great uncle was honest and told her that there was something seriously wrong with me . " Yeah , it 's you ! " She snapped at him . She grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me inside the house . Great Uncle Arthur followed closely behind us . Once inside my mother yelled for my father . " Your good - for - nothing uncle is making our daughter cry ! " She told him , eventhough it wasn 't true . Upon hearing this , my father turned to his uncle and started yelling profanities at him . Whenever I tried to use my voice , my father would yell at me to stay out of it . Arthur never raised his voice , never swore , never fought back . He took my father 's anger like a champion . When it seemed that my father 's tirade was over , my great uncle spoke . He told them exactly what I told him , word for word . " I think Mary has depression . We must get a professional opinion to be sure . " But mother and father didn 't need a professional opinion . I could tell from the shock expressions on their faces that they believed him . For my father , shock quickly turned into anger . For my mother , shock turned into disgust . Arthur started to list the different treatments and medications we could try , but was he quickly interrupted by my father , who said that he wasn 't going to waste his money on drugs . " No ! " Shouted my father . " WE don 't have to do anything ! " He said while gesturing in between him and my mother . He then pointed at Arthur . " YOU need to stay away from my daughter ! " " Absolutely not ! " Exclaimed my mother . She continued , this time in a much lower voice . " What if one of my friends sees me taking her to a therapist . What if they find out that one of my children has a mental disease ? What if they spread rumors about us ? Do you know how long it took me create an image for us ? ! " As she finished saying this , she glanced toward the door that led to the backyard . I looked too and saw that the mothers were hunched together as though they were whispering among themselves . " Derrick , you know I 'm right . " She said to my father . " These two are already ruining my party , do you want them to ruin our family name as well ? " " Shut up , Arthur ! " My father shouted , interrupting Great Uncle Arthur again . " Don 't ever talk to my wife like that , and don 't ever tell me how to take care of my child ! She is my daughter , so I 'll handle it ! " " She might try to hurt herself with treatment ! " Arthur warned them . I think he was hoping to get a reaction out of them ; something to get them to care . Instead , my father , in a tone of voice that made him sound tough , said : " If she does , then it 'll be her own false . " With that , he wordlessly stomped back toward the den . Whenever he did that , it usually meant the conversation was over . Once my father was gone , my mother stepped toward me . She kneeled so to be at eye level with me . In a stem voice , she said : " Mary , don 't tell anyone what happened here . What happens in this house , stays in this house . Understood ? " Without thinking , I nodded my head . " Good girl . " She stood and faced my great uncle . She narrowed her eyes at him , then she signed . " If you want to help so much , Arthur , then you be her shrink . " " I have a career , Susan . " Arthur protested . " I have papers to grade , students to teach . I can 't come up every week and - " And that how it started . Great Uncle Arthur began to see me and have " therapy sessions " with me . Sometimes , he would take me to the park and we 'd play together . Other days , he would take me to see a movie and we 'd talk afterward . This one time , he took me on the tour of the university where he worked . Arthur loved me like his own daughter , but he can 't always be there for me because of his career . We had no choice but to meet every other week ; sometimes it was every other month . I learned something new about my family on that day . I learned that my father not only hated his uncle , but he also hated weakness ; couldn 't stand to be around weakness . He was a decorated member of the American military , he worked hard every day to provide for this family , he personally made sure that we had more then we needed , and he took pride in knowing that the family was strong . So , when he learned of my depression , he began saw to see me as the weak link of the family . I once asked Great Uncle Arthur why father was so hard - hearted . He told me that war had a way of changing people , that he didn 't mean to come across as uncaring , that my father was suffering from post - traumatic stress disorder , and that he refused to seek counselling . My mother was a different story . For her , it was all about appearances . Since she didn 't work , she devoted her time to cleaning , gardening , shopping for new clothes , planning parties , and anything else that would make the house or the family look good . She pressured us into doing certain activities , wearing fancy clothes , and join certain clubs at us schools , all so she could boast to her friends about what wonderful children she had . She took pride in being a " trophy wife " and enjoying all the benefits of being married to a man with money . She was happiest when she was showing off a new and expensive to her friends ; she would smile as her friends practically became green with envy . So , having such a wonderful life and still have a child with depression would look bad . Oh , and if you 're wondering if my older sibling helped at all . Don 't waste your breath . Marine hated me the moment I came out of our mother 's womb . When I was first born , Marine refused to touch me . Flint , on the other hand , didn 't care about me at all . He didn 't even bother to feed me , even when I was crying . I don 't know how they found out , but when they did , they began to take turn whispering things in my ear while I was sleeping . They said things like , " Mom and Dad are going to put you up for adoption " and " You 're going to end up an orphan " . I knew it was them because , while they were doing it , I was awake . I had my eyes closed , but I was just pretending to be asleep . I heard my bedroom door open , I heard footsteps entering my room , and I recognize the hush voices of my siblings as they spoke into my ear . Saved for Arthur , no one in my family cared or did anything about my depression . I was expected to neither act as though I was happy , or suffer in silence . Mother and father made me promise to never tell anyone outside of the family of my condition ; to keep it " our little secret " . My father took it upon himself to monitor my mood . He would notice my lack of interest in things that previously gave me pleasure , and would punish me . Sometimes , when he was too busy , he would entrust Flint to " teach me a lesson " . As you can imagine , my depression only gotten worse and I soon became aloof toward others around me . I started not caring about what happened around me . It felt as though I was on autopilot and was just going through the motions . Don 't misunderstand . I am not saying that my family were the cause of my depression . They were just one of many factors . Beyond the sliding glass door was our backyard . Large and colorful flowers decorated the ground . The grass was always neatly cut . An old willow tree that grew in the middle of the backyard shaded a polished white table with white fancy yard chairs sitting around it . On the table was a white vase with yellow orchids in it . A white picket fence separated our yard from the neighbor 's yard . I found my great uncle sitting on the wooden bench on the back porch . " Great Uncle Arthur ! " I shouted in glee . I ran up to him and wrapped my tiny arms around his waist . He chuckled in his gruffly and patted me on the head . Arthur was the uncle of my father . He was about as tall my father , though , due to his bad back , he was hunched forward and looked shorter . He was over sixty and needed carry a wooden cane to help support him , but other than that he was perfectly healthy . His short , white hair was always combed back and tied into a ponytail . His bright blue eyes were always full of life and energy . He wore his usual black jacket over his usual white shirt , black pants , and black tie . My great uncle was the quintessential old man : wise , traditional , and a little grumpy at times . I loved him for it . For the longest time , he was my best friend and , through I could never say it aloud , I always felt better when he was with me . I went to sit next to him on the bench . He looked me squarely in the eye and asked : " How are you feeling , Mary ? " I could only shrug . If you haven 't already figured out what was wrong with me , then I 'll just come out and say it : I was suffering from depression . It was because of my depression I was crying in the playground . I was always sad . Despair was constantly with me like a shadow . Somedays , it felt as if I was drowning in a sea of my own tears . It soon became harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning . Most days , I would refuse to eat anything . I isolated myself from my peers because I didn 't find the games that they would play enjoyable . I become so tired during the day that I sometimes sleep during my classes . The activities that the teachers would have us do didn 't bring me pleasure or joy . Almost nothing could make me happy . It might seem odd considering how young I was . You usually don 't think about severe depression when you think about children . Children were , after all , symbols of innocence and joy . Children were supposed to bring happiness wherever they went ; they didn 't get depression , only grow - ups did . Truth is , I was very different from other children . Though , I didn 't realize just how different I was until the day I spoke to Arthur . It was about two years ago , when I was ten . We were having a small get - together in the backyard as we did on most weekends . My mother , the hostess , as always , had invited most of the block . My father and Flint were in the den playing some kind of card game with my father 's friends from the army . I could hear their boisterous laughter , even from my spot on the back porch . Meanwhile , my mother and Marine were at the table , chatting with the other mothers while enjoying some meatloaf that my mother made . " Marine is the co - head cheerleader at her school , and Flint is the star player of his basketball team ! " I heard my mother boast . From my seat , I watched the children of the other families played with our yard toys . I was the only child who wasn 't playing . Then , Arthur came up to me . He sat next to me on the bench and we started talking . He asked me why I wasn 't playing with the other children . I just broke down . I told him everything , how angry and sad I was , how tired I was during the day , how I hadn 't been eating , how I was having trouble concentrating in school , and how I been having headaches or stomachaches ; I even cried into my hands . Arthur was a professor at a university in Jersey City , in the psychology department . Before that , he was a social worker at a middle school . Even at a young age , I knew he was well - versed in child psychology , so I immediately believed him when he told me : " I believe you are suffering from early - onset depression . " Arthur began to rub my back in a comforting gesture . It was more than enough to quiet my sobs . I removed my face from my hands and looked up at him . " Don 't fret , Mary . " He told me . " We 'll make it stop . We 'll just need the proper treatment . " As he rubbed my back , I felt a contentment that I hadn 't felt in a long time . I felt as though I was being looked at for the first time . I don 't mean the regular way that someone looks at someone else , I mean the special way that someone looks at someone else . How do I describe it ? Usual where someone just looks at you , they 're only looking at the superficial things like clothes or hair , but when someone really looked at you , they see more than hair or clothing . They see the aura that surrounds you , and they see inside your heart . That was what Arthur did . Somehow , saw my sadness , and then took the time to listen to my problems . There was probably over a dozen people at our house , but only he saw . I liked being looked at . " I 'll talk to your parents about finding the right psychotherapist . " Said my great uncle . At the time , I didn 't know what a psychotherapist was , but I smiled nevertheless . Someone must had saw me cry and told my mother , because it wasn 't long before I noticed my mother making her toward us . I 've seen mother worry about their children before , but there wasn 't a hint of worry on my mother 's face . Instead , there was only annoyance . " What did you do ? ! " She said in voice loud enough to sound threatening , but silent enough so the other mothers or children couldn 't hear . It already angered me , the way she blamed Arthur . Any other person would had been offended , but Arthur didn 't let it get to him . As always , my great uncle was honest and told her that there was something seriously wrong with me . " Yeah , it 's you ! " She snapped at him . She grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me inside the house . Great Uncle Arthur followed closely behind us . Once inside my mother yelled for my father . " Your good - for - nothing uncle is making our daughter cry ! " She told him , eventhough it wasn 't true . Upon hearing this , my father turned to his uncle and started yelling profanities at him . Whenever I tried to use my voice , my father would yell at me to stay out of it . Arthur never raised his voice , never swore , never fought back . He took my father 's anger like a champion . When it seemed that my father 's tirade was over , my great uncle spoke . He told them exactly what I told him , word for word . " I think Mary has depression . We must get a professional opinion to be sure . " But mother and father didn 't need a professional opinion . I could tell from the shock expressions on their faces that they believed him . For my father , shock quickly turned into anger . For my mother , shock turned into disgust . Arthur started to list the different treatments and medications we could try , but was he quickly interrupted by my father , who said that he wasn 't going to waste his money on drugs . " No ! " Shouted my father . " WE don 't have to do anything ! " He said while gesturing in between him and my mother . He then pointed at Arthur . " YOU need to stay away from my daughter ! " " Absolutely not ! " Exclaimed my mother . She continued , this time in a much lower voice . " What if one of my friends sees me taking her to a therapist . What if they find out that one of my children has a mental disease ? What if they spread rumors about us ? Do you know how long it took me create an image for us ? ! " As she finished saying this , she glanced toward the door that led to the backyard . I looked too and saw that the mothers were hunched together as though they were whispering among themselves . " Derrick , you know I 'm right . " She said to my father . " These two are already ruining my party , do you want them to ruin our family name as well ? " " Shut up , Arthur ! " My father shouted , interrupting Great Uncle Arthur again . " Don 't ever talk to my wife like that , and don 't ever tell me how to take care of my child ! She is my daughter , so I 'll handle it ! " " She might try to hurt herself with treatment ! " Arthur warned them . I think he was hoping to get a reaction out of them ; something to get them to care . Instead , my father , in a tone of voice that made him sound tough , said : " If she does , then it 'll be her own false . " With that , he wordlessly stomped back toward the den . Whenever he did that , it usually meant the conversation was over . Once my father was gone , my mother stepped toward me . She kneeled so to be at eye level with me . In a stem voice , she said : " Mary , don 't tell anyone what happened here . What happens in this house , stays in this house . Understood ? " Without thinking , I nodded my head . " Good girl . " She stood and faced my great uncle . She narrowed her eyes at him , then she signed . " If you want to help so much , Arthur , then you be her shrink . " " I have a career , Susan . " Arthur protested . " I have papers to grade , students to teach . I can 't come up every week and - " I learned something new about my family on that day . I learned that my father not only hated his uncle , but he also hated weakness ; couldn 't stand to be around weak people . He was a soldier for the American military , he worked hard every day to provide for this family , he personally made sure that we had more then we needed , so when he learned of my depression , he began saw to see me as the weak link of the family . My father did have an exception : he was sympathetic toward those who were damaged by war , but was about it . I wasn 't a war veteran , so I wasn 't worth his sympathy . My mother was a different story . For her , it was all about appear . Since she didn 't work , she devoted her time to cleaning , gardening , shopping for new clothes , planning parties , and anything else that would make the house or the family look good . She pressured us into doing certain activities , wearing fancy clothes , and join certain clubs at us schools , all so she could boast to her friends about what wonderful children she had . Lastly , I wanted to share a brand new story that I am working on . The preface and the first two chapters are done . I 'll put them in its own page soon , but for now , here are the preface and the first chapter : You 'll have to excuse me . This is my first time on a site like this and I 'm a little nervous . I just thought it was a good idea to start with my name ; I didn 't know how else to start . Like I said before , I 'm a little apprehensive about sharing my story . Nonetheless , I needed to tell my story to someone . When I discovered this site , with it creepy stories and bizarre anecdotes , I thought it would be the perfect place to write my story . I doubt that anyone would believe me , I mostly want to tell it just to prove to myself that it wasn 't make - believe ; that it wasn 't all in my head . There 's another reason I 'm writing this : I don 't want to forget . I don 't want to forget the most traumatic experience in my children that would ultimately lead me to my improvement as well as the six people who would become my best friends in the whole world . Sorry , I 'm getting ahead of myself . This story - my story - is going to be a long one . I would love to type this all in one sitting , but , due to forces that are beyond my control , I can 't . Consider this first post as a preface and the later posts as chapters . In hindsight , I should have just written a whole novel and send it to the nearest publishing agency , but , like I said before , I doubt that anyone would believe me . My story isn 't a sad one , nor is it a scary one . However , there are some parts of my story that are depressing and even disturbing . Consider this a warning : this story will contain violence , gore , vivid images of graphic scenes , the death of innocence , and other mature subject matter . If any of this doesn 't appeal to you , then I suggest that you stop reading . Listen to me , getting ahead of myself again . Sorry . I 'll just start from the beginning . It was the thirty - first of May , in the year 2018 . The school year was ending and autumn was slowly turning into summer . The once crisp , golden brown leaves that would fall from the tree branches became an almost radiant shade of green ; some trees were even blooming lovely pink flowers . Tomorrow was the first of June and I would be turning twelve - years - old . The party that my class held for me earlier that day was good . " MARY SWEETS , COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW ! " The shrill , raised voice of my mother rung in my ears , but still , I didn 't move from my hiding place . In the far corner of the playground that was built behind my elementary school , were lush bushes surrounding a tall , wide oak tree . It was there where I seat , underneath the tall oak tree , hidden by the bushes . I was a petite girl ; only four feet tall and sixty - five pounds . I had pale green , round eyes , fair skin , and long black hair that was tied in twin ponytails by large , bright white hairbows . I had a petite nose , rosy cheeks , and a round face . I was wearing my favorite white , short - sleeved blouse under my favorite black denim overall skirt . I was wearing my favorite pair of white socks with black polka - dots and my favorite pair of black dress shoes . " MARY SWEETS ! " I heard the voice of my mother again . She was calling on for me to come out from my hiding spot . It was the end of the school day and the other children were gone . The only people left in the school were the janitors , some teachers , and my mother , who was looking for me . " MARY ! " She yelled again . I didn 't move from my spot . I wasn 't a disobedience child , quite the opposite . I always did what I was told , I never acted out or throw temper tantrums , and rarely did I do anything that would be considered rebellious . It was just that , on that day , I wanted to be alone ; I didn 't want her to see me cry . Cool tears ran down my cheeks like rivers and I was trying my best to silent the sniffles and whimpers that was coming from my mouth . I wrapped both of my eyes with my hands , but so soon as the previous tears were gone , new ones took their place . I hugged my knees , which were pushed against my chest , with my tiny arms . " MARY ! " My mother screamed again . I could tell that she was getting impatient and angry . I continued to cry and sob quietly . I was staring downward at the soil . Tiny insects , like worms and beetles , were crawling around my shoes . " MARY SWEETS ! " I didn 't want to disobey her , but , at the same time , I didn 't want to come out . I just wanted to be alone with my tears . You might be wondering why I was crying . The reason behind my tears would become clear to you soon enough " MARY ! " My mother yelled again . " IF YOU DON ' T COME OUT BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE , I ' M CALLING YOUR FATHER ! " My sobs suddenly stopped and grasp escaped my mouth . I could tell that she wasn 't joking ; she meant what she said . If I didn 't come out in less than three seconds , I would only find myself in more trouble than I already was . " ONE ! " My mother began to count . " TWO ! " Finally , I begrudgingly stood and walked around the trunk of the tall oak tree , in clear view of my mother , who was standing in the middle of the playground . As she stomped toward me , I wrapped the remaining tears from my eyes , hoping that she didn 't noticed . My mother , Susan , was a slender , beautiful woman . Like me , she has long black hair that fell from her head in curls and framed her heart - shaped face . Her eyes were the color of sapphires , big , round , and shimmering sapphires . She had an ample chest , suntanned skin , and full lips . She wore a black dress that stopped at her knees and hugged her body . Her black high heels were undoubtingly getting soiled in the grass and dirt . She was wearing a lot of make - up ; pink eye shadow , pink lipstick , and pink blush on her cheeks . She grabbed me by my wrist and pulled to her side . " Don 't EVER hide from me again ! " She said through clenched teeth , her eyebrows knitting at the center . " Especially when I 'm calling you . Understand ? " I feverishly nodded my head . " Good . " Her face relaxed , if only just a little . " Now let go home . " With that , my mother dragged me toward our blue sedan , which was parked outside the front entrance of the school . My school was about twenty minutes away from my family 's house , thirty if you walked . My family and I lived in the suburban part of New Jersey - Hamilton to be exact - so everything wasn 't too far away . If we needed something , we would just hop in the car and drive there . I 've never really been outside of New Jersey . I sat quietly in the passenger 's seat as my mother drove down the different streets . I watched from my window the many shops and family - owned businesses that we pass by . My mother didn 't speak to me until we were at the house . By danniellemarshin Links to Pages , WritingMay 25 , 20171 , 338 WordsLeave a comment Updates Firstly , let me say sorry for the inactivity . I just moved out of my dorm and am setting in at home . I also applied to some summer jobs and programs , so I might be busy with those . However , I 'll make sure to post when I have the time . I 'm still working on " Midnight Embrace " , but I did changed the plot a little . Here is the new summary : Once upon a time , there were two families whose power and wealth were unmatched by anyone else . Believing that they could increase their wealth and power , the two families arranged for the youngest members for their clans to join in matrimony once they came of age . And so , since he was born , William " Will " Midnight , the heir to the Midnight Estate and all its riches , was expected to marry Alexandrea " Alex " Embrace , the heiress to the Embrace Estate and all its assets . However , Will , despite all the pressure to marry , is not sure if he wants to spend the rest of his life with Alex . Will , like many members of his family , can flawlessly predict the outcome of events and choices in all possible timelines . Alex , like many members of her family , can use turn herself into a weapon for others to use . Having sent thirteen years together with Alex , going to the same school , and learning to use her in combat , Will can safety say that he does like Alex , yet there are some things about Alex that bothers Will . For example , Alex likes to have random and spontaneous tackle fights . She also enjoys smothering Will with hugs and kisses . She 's also extremely clingy . This is very discomforting for Will because he has an intense phobia of ' cooties ' . On top of all that , a group of extremists , hoping to start a new world order where everyone is equal , are plotting to assassinate the members of the richest families in the country ; they already got Will 's mother . Now Will is on a mission to track down the people who euthanized him mother before they do the same thing to him and Alex . Also , I 'm working on a new story . I 'm calling it " Realm of Madness " . Here is what it will be about : In recent years , some theories , or hypotheses , had suggested that " insanity " , or what we define as " insanity " , is a physical place that one can visit . This place is not accessible by traditional means ; it is believed that this place exists in a pocket dimension that is separate from our own . The physics of this " realm of madness " , as well as its origins , are yet to be known . Meanwhile , in the rest of the world , a young girl from a small Icelandic town mysterious disappeared during the night . That was four years ago , on the girl 's birthday . Three years ago , a young boy from England also mysterious disappeared . Two years ago , a young girl from India disappeared . One year ago , a pair of twins from Japan disappeared . Now , 12 - year - old Mary , a sufferer of insomnia and depression from the States , disappears from her family home as well . Before she disappears , however , she is given a birthday gift from her parents : a stuffed dog made from mismatched colored fabric . It is that night , Mary is taken to a place of pure chaos , the Realm of Madness . She must find a way to escape the Realm of Madness , but can she find a way for the others to escape as well ? By danniellemarshin Everyday Life , WritingMay 20 , 2017626 WordsLeave a comment New Follower + New Chapter Someone else had started following the site ! Thanks to LittleFears for following the site ! I hope you enjoy my artwork and stories . Speaking of which , I wanted to share the ninth chapter of " The Infinite Guide " . I know I have not updated anything on this story for a long time , but now I want to post the ninth chapter of book one before I update the page . She wondered if she should be going outside as she sewed on the final touches to her costume . She still saw the tears swell in her eyes of her enemy as she expressed her warming with a shaky voice ; Fiona found herself forcing more on Izzy 's tears than anything else . Poor Isabella - She extinguished the line of thought before she could continue it . She reminded herself of what was important : her hatred toward Izzy Armstrong ; everyone hated Izzy and her brothers . Then again , they hated her too . She can still remember the times when she felt as sad that she almost cried while in school , and saved for Fox and a handful of teachers , no one really cared . Her classmates would say things like ' don 't be sad , Fiona ' or ' it will be ok ' , but that didn 't make up for the thing they called her when they thought she wasn 't listening : freak . She couldn 't stand being called that . " Ouch ! " Distraction caused her sewing needle to go through the material of her costume and into your finger . Immediately , she drove her finger into her mouth , licking and sucking on the wounded finger . When she pulled the finger out , she was relived to find the finger not bleeding ; it was still stinging though . Using a pair of sewing scissors , she cut the string and placed the needle along with the others in her sewing box , which was a wooden box in which she kept her sewing tools . She held her costume up in front of her and nodded . It was suitable for wearing . Her hesitations faded away as her dressed herself in her homemade costume . This was a huge step for her . Not only was she going to a party with her own original costume , but she was eager to socialize with her fellow classmates without fear of them judging her choice of clothing , instead they would praise her for her beautifully crafted dress . She 'll be respected and accepted , they might even invite her to hang out with them . In addition , she wouldn 't have to worry about people teasing her about her birthmark , her witch 's hat was big enough to cover her forehead . She was positive that this was going to be the best birthday ever and that nothing was going to ruin it . After waving goodbye to her father , who waved back from inside the car , Fiona stepped through the front doors of her school . She stood inside the hallway , shaking with anxiety . Despite being in the far side of the school , she was able to hear the loud music ; it echoed through the walls and vibrated the floor underneath her feet . Of course she still couldn 't bring Jinx along with her , but that didn 't stop her from sneaking the cat in a wicker basket , which she prepared along with her costume . She couldn 't leave her beloved cat alone while she was out having fun , it wouldn 't be fair . She peeled back the sheet covering the basket , revealing the black cat inside ; curled in a cozy ball . " Ready Jinx ? " Jinx looked at her with his deep green eyes and meowed . " Alright then , let 's go . " She said while placing the sheet back over basket . She inhaled deeply , feeling a little nervous , exhaled , and , once she was calm enough , strolled towards the gymnasium , where the Halloween Bash was taking place . She felt something hard and blunt struck the back of her head . She cried out and fell to her knees , the basket with Jinx in it , falling to the floor in front her . The cat immediately got on his feet and ran to his owner , who was rubbing her sore head and weeping . Her witch 's hat , tore from her head , giving the throbbing wound , which felt like the burning of a hundred suns , air to breathe . " Well , look at what we have here . " She heard a tough - sounding voice spoke behind her , followed by wicked chuckling . She looked up to find three figures surrounding her . Tank was standing over her , a steel bat in one hand . Mike and Johnny were standing behind her , both carrying rolls of duct tape . Tank held the bat firmly in his hands as he spoke . " A witch and her cat . " Without taking his eyes off of Fiona , he spoke to his brothers . " You guys know the rule about witches , don 't ya men ? " Johnny smiled as he ripped a strand of tape from the roll . He nodded and said , " Anyone caught in the act of witchery … " The bat swung and it landed on Fiona 's shoulder , sending her on her side , shrieking in pain . She felt the bones beneath the skin snap and break . " … will be given to a trial … " Johnny took a piece of duct tape and placed it over Fiona 's mouth . She let out a series of muffled groans as he finished speaking , “… in which no one will be defending your case . " " Arrest her . " Tank ordered . " Make sure she can 't move . " Jinx 's back arched , his tail shot upward , and his hissed and groaned at them , his fangs and claws prepared to attack . Tank gestured to the cat with the steel bat . " Arrest her cat - I mean , her demon partner too . Stuff it in the backpack . " The two brothers did what they were took . She could felt a pair of large , tough hands pin she to the floor . She saw a hand grab her feline friend by the back of his neck , making him groan and hiss louder , then the hand lifted Jinx and the groaning and hissing suddenly stopped as he was stuffed inside a backpack . She heard the sound of ripping of duct tape , followed by the sensation of sticky tape around her wrists . She wanted to thrash her arms at them , but she had loss feeling in one arm and she couldn 't control the other , what with it being confined against her back . She began to frenziedly kick her legs , only to have them bounded together by duct tape . She yelled and screamed through the tape on her mouth , crying from the pain . She felt herself being lifted from the ground , and after what seemed to Fiona as an era of walking , she was inside an empty , dark room . She was dropped onto the floor . She opened her tearful eyes to see a large metal cylinder radiating with heat . It didn 't take her long for Fiona to recognize the metal cylinder as a boiler . A tattered backpack with faded colors was dropped beside her , inside she could hear the meows of her pet . " Now , " Tank exclaimed . " To judge the accused . What is the jury 's verdict ? " Maybe it was the traffic or maybe it was the events that transpired earlier or maybe it was because he was travelling for hours , but Knight felt exhausted . His eyelids were getting heavier as the bus ride grew closer to Rome . When the bus finally made it to Rome , the sky was quickly turning a dark purple . People were blocking their windows as a cold gale swept the city . Shops and businesses were beginning to close as lanterns lit up one by one to illuminate the streets . Fortunately , the bus stopped in front of a hotel . Bellezza di Roma , was the name of the hotel . It looked to be about three stories tall . Colorful flowers hung underneath all of the windows and the exterior walls were made of red brick . Hanging from the roof of the hotel , were two flags : one was the flag of Italy , the other had a painting of the Colosseum . It was a very modest hotel and it was perfect for the kind of work Knight was planning . He went inside and booked a room . At the front desk , he was given the key to Room 218 . He climbed the steps , unlocked the door , and shut the door behind him . The room was also modest ; a single bed , a wooden desk , a window with light blue curtains , and an adjective room that led to the bathroom . The spring bed , with its ebony sheets and plush pillows , was becoming more inviting . The half - open window , letting the cool air in , made him even more tired . He spotted a phone on the nightstand beside the bed and was reminded of the call he was supposed to make . He groaned and yawned , fatigue slowly over taking him . As much as he wanted to sleep , he had a task to complete . He would just make the call , afterwards he would get to sleep . " Done ! " Kuan Eim exclaimed as she set down the pen on the desk . She had finished writing the letter to her sister describing her sightseeing in Rome as well as her encounter with Mary . She looked it over one last time , before sealing it within an envelope . Now she just needed to place it in the mailbox and let the mail carrier ship it to Thailand . She remembered see a small mailbox outside of the hotel ; she would be downstairs and back in five minutes . She stood from her chair and started to walk towards the door . That was when she heard a voice . It was faint , but audible and sounded as though it was coming from the room next to hers . She stepped toward the far wall and the voice behind the wall became louder and clearer . She continued to step closer , and closer , and closer still . Before she knew it , her ear was pushed against the wall . The walls of the hotel must have been as thin as paper because she could hear just about everything from the other room . The voice in the other room sounded deep and masculine , but it was also smooth like silk and as elegant and refined as diamonds . It was the kind of exotic , romantic voice she only heard on the radio . Almost instantly the voice took her . She felt her heart beat louder as a wide , giddy smile formed on her face . The voice was so romantic and so alluring ; it made her feel as though she had nothing to worry about . She listened to the enchanting voice as it talked about something she was only faintly paying attention to . The sound of a phone hitting a receiver snapped her out of her daydream . She quickly stepped away from the wall , blushing . Remembering what she was going to do , she hurriedly raced to the door , letter in hand . " All right . Goodbye . " With that , Knight placed the phone on the receiver and yawned . The call was done , and now he could rest . He began to unbutton his suit when a thought strike him . He groaned in annoyance , realizing that , in his haste , he had forgotten his wallet at the front desk . He would have to walk downstairs and receive it . With a heavy sigh and drowsy eyelids , he marched out of his room . As soon as he stepped out of his room , he collided with something soft and smooth . It took a while for him to realize that a beautiful young girl with long , curly black hair and emerald eyes was standing in front of him . She was in the daze and confused , one hand rubbing at her forehead . After shaking the sudden shock from his mind , he quickly apologized . " Oh , I 'm so sorry , miss . " " No , no . It 's ok . " The girl said , after shaking the shock from her own head . " I wasn 't watching where I was going . " The two looked at one another until Knight awkwardly cleared his throat . " Now , if you excuse me , miss . " He stepped back a bit before turning his back to the lovely young woman he just met , fighting the urge to look back . |
Okay , so I have been fed up with Blogger for awhile now . If you are a complete computer and internet novice looking to start a blog , then it might be right up your alley . But , if you 're looking to do a little something more with your blog and have any interest in tweaking it to make it uniquely your own , you would be much better off going somewhere else . So , I am finally jumping ship and moving to Wordpress . Eventually , I will also be upgrading the blog to be more of a website , since I want it to eventually be my writing website - - a place to display some of my work and where I hope I will continue to grow as a writer . Right now , it is a work in progress . I am just getting everything moved at this point , and then I will start fine - tuning There 's something about watching a well - orchestrated offensive play unfold - - the crack and thud of helmets and pads colliding on the field . There 's something about seeing a member of your team running toward the end zone so fast you 'd swear he was flying . There 's just something about football . When I first decided to take my photography and go into business , I wasn 't sure that I ever wanted to shoot weddings . It just seemed like such an enormous job , and an enormous amount of pressure . Plus , I wasn 't sure that I would feel comfortable taking on a wedding when I had absolutely no prior experience shooting one . But , when I asked to shoot Andy and Henny 's small backyard wedding , I jumped at the chance . Not only are they good family friends , but I also knew that it would be a small , laidback affair . It was the perfect opportunity for me to get some practice and to see if I might want to add weddings to my professional portfolio . Besides being able to see my father steadily improving and celebrating Steven 's second Father 's Day watching a few episodes of The Sopranos , the highlight of my weekend was definitely being hired to photograph the backyard wedding of some of our best family friends . I haven 't even had time to go through and upload all of the photos yet , but I had to pull these two for tonight 's blog post . All I 'm going to say about the wedding right now is that when you show up and see the family dogs dressed like this , you are pretty much guaranteed a good time . When we arrived at his room , we were surprised to find it empty . The TV was on , but there was no sign of my father . The nurse said that he was in the bathroom , and that we could have a seat and wait if we liked . And in the meantime , she filled us in on his progress . He did end up getting the epidural the night before , and it seemed to be helping immensely . His oxygen levels were way up , and staying up , in spite of the fact that he did end up developing a bit of pneumonia . Because he was so much more comfortable with the epidural , he has been able to cough up the phlegm from his lungs and clear them out well , which is a good sign . They started him on antibiotics for the pneumonia , and he seems to be responding very well . He managed to eat breakfast , and even a bit of his lunch before calling the nurse to help him into the bathroom . Finally , the triple doses of laxatives worked their magic . Victory ! When Duane emerged from his trip to the bathroom , I was surprised at how well he was moving . The nurse helped him manage all of the cords and tubes , but otherwise , he was walking and easing himself down into his recliner on his own . His color looked better , and he was only wearing the oxygen tubes in his nose , instead of the full face mask . And when he finally began to speak , his voice was much stronger . We visited for a bit , before I finally had to excuse myself to head to the Samuelson 's in Loomis to photograph my first wedding . While I was gone , Mom and Steven kept Duane company , and by the time they left him for the night , they were both marveling at his progress . His oxygen levels are continuing to hold strong and he seems to be managing the pain well and gaining his strength back . A couple of the nurses even remarked that he just might be starting to get ornery enough to be ready to move out of the ICU . Let 's keep our fingers crossed ! Lindy and I and Cadence left Lincoln this morning to head out to Kearney to visit Duane . I don 't even know how much sleep I actually managed to get last night . By the time I finally went to bed , I was fighting and pretty mean migraine and I just couldn 't stop wondering what kind of shape Dad would be in when we finally arrived at the hospital . I hate to admit it , but I was preparing myself for the worst . When we went in to Dad 's room for our visit , he was sitting up in a chair and was wearing a regular oxygen mask instead of the C - pap machine . The doctors had been alternating between the two throughout the day , and it seems to be working to keep his oxygen levels up where they need to be . It 's obvious that he is still in a lot of pain , but there was some color in his cheeks and he was actually joking around with us about the fact that he has neither eaten , nor taken a crap in four days . Duane rolled his eyes and smirked . " No . No prune juice , " Duane said . " They 've been giving me laxatives , and it ain 't going to be pretty when they finally start workin ' . Damn horse really knocked the shit out of me ! " The doctors are planning to continue alternating between the regular oxygen and the C - pap and will be monitoring him closely . Mom said they talked about doing another scan as well . When Lindy and I talked to Dad , he said he thought the nurses might be getting him up to walk around this evening , but then when Mom went back in to visit , they were talking about giving him an epidural . He has been on morphine to manage the pain , but the doctors now think that giving him an epidural will give him some longer lasting pain relief and allow him to take deeper breaths . We 'll find out tomorrow what they decided , and I will post another update to let everyone know about the progress . Walking out of Dad 's room after our visit , I was finally able to breathe the first real sigh of relief since Mom called to tell me about the accident on Monday . Dad still has a long way to go , but it finally looks like he just might be starting to move in the right direction and beginning to heal . Everyone who saw him earlier in the week ( especially Wednesday and Thursday ) is saying that he looks and acts so much better . Even Dad admitted tonight that there was a point yesterday when he wasn 't even sure he was going to make it . We can only pray that tomorrow will dawn even brighter and that Duane will continue on the road to recovery . Tonight 's 365 Project is dedicated to Cowboy Roy and to a speedy recovery . Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers ! We really appreciate all the love and support ! On Sunday , one of my uncle 's horses got out and my Dad went to help him round it up . When they got the horse cornered , Dad thought he would just hop on and ride it back , even though the horse was only wearing a halter . Long story short , the horse threw him . At first , in typical Duane fashion , he refused to let my Mom take him to the hospital . Monday morning he woke up in so much pain that he told Mom they better go . He was admitted and x - rays showed three fractured ribs . They doctors gave him morphine for the pain , and luckily all of the other scans of his back and neck were fine . Mom thought if he was feeling better , he would be released Wednesday , but when she called last night , she said they were keeping him because his oxygen levels were low . Last night , they decided to do another scan to make sure he hadn 't punctured a lung and that there were no blood clots . Luckily , the tests came back okay . Unfortunately , they still couldn 't keep his oxygen levels where they were supposed to be . Mom called today that he was being flown to another hospital because they still weren 't able to get his oxygen levels up . She said Dad did really well on the flight over and that for now , he seems to be resting comfortably in the ICU . He is hooked up to a C - pap machine , and that seems to be helping his oxygen levels . They are not back to normal yet , but they are much closer . Tonight 's 365 Project is dedicated to my Dad , Duane . I pulled a few of my favorite photos of him for tonight 's blog post . Here 's hoping he starts feeling better very soon ! But even with all the hidden remote hilarity going on , the highlight of the evening was definitely Cadence 's attempted jailbreak . She has been tall enough to reach the screen door handle for several weeks now , so we 've been keeping the deadbolt locked whenever we have the door open . After she saw her Daddy head outside to grill the chicken , she saw her chance and opened the door to follow . Steven hollered at her to get back inside and close the door , and she hollered back , " Nada ! Nada ! " before stepping back inside and letting the door slam . She apparently thought Steven 's reaction was so deliciously funny that she had to do it again and again and again until the chicken was finally done and Steven chased her back inside and closed the door . I 've got to say it - - I think we share our home with the coolest dog in the world . She 's sweet , mellow , patient , playful , loyal , and best of all , she 's great with Cadence . She even tolerates us putting hats and sunglasses on her , as long as she 's allowed to sit in someone 's lap and snuggle . Watching this video , it 's almost hard to believe she killed the other rabbit by chasing it and giving it a heart attack . But maybe this is just proof that she 's learned her lesson and knows that the rabbits can 't handle playing rough . Just more proof that our dog has a big ol ' heart in that big ol ' chest of hers . It always cracks me up when my Mom tells me how she never used to let me or my sister Lindy get messy when we ate . She says she was always wiping our faces and our hands clean during meals and snacks . I 'm pretty sure I did the same thing last year when Cadence was younger and first starting to eat solid foods . I think I felt bad letting her get too messy , considering I was the one who was feeding her . So , if she had pureed sweet potatoes smeared all over her face , I was absolutely the one to blame . These days , however , it is a much different story . Cadence has been feeding herself for quite awhile now - - first mastering the art of picking up chunks of steamed fruits and veggies and cheese , and now graduating to using her very own bowls and utensils . I learned very early that mealtime was going to be a very messy process . And since Cadence went through a long period where she absolutely refused to wear a bib , I decided the only way to keep her from ruining absolutely every piece of clothing that she owned was simply to strip her down to her diaper , throw a couple of towels down on the carpet beneath her high chair , and let her go whole hog and not worry about the mess . All in all , Cadence is a pretty neat eater . She has moments where she 'll fling a handful of string beans in excitement or frustration , and there have been several incidences where we have caught her trying to hide cheese and blueberries under her thighs as though she is trying to save them for later . Other than that though , she is really quite fastidious when she eats . The one exception , though , is always pasta . It doesn 't matter if I give her only the slightest bit of sauce , she somehow manages to coat every inch of her skin with a thin layer of red tomato sauce before the meal is over . It 's in her hair , her ears , under her arms , between her toes . By the time she 's finished , she looks like she 's in the middle of some sort of full - body marinara exfoliating spa treatment . I can 't really complain though , because she somehow manages to keep the mess contained to only her body , and she 'll eat every last bite of pasta and veggies that I put in front of her . So , on nights like tonight , there is only one solution to the marinara mayhem , and that is a nice , warm , after dinner bath . When Steven and I first changed Cadence 's bed time routine , neither one of us knew if it was really going to work . Less than a week later , she was going to down to sleep without a fuss and sleeping completely through the night . Hallelujah ! This is Cadence 's mantra these days . All she wants to do is draw , draw , draw . Heck , she sat in her high chair drawing for almost 2 1 / 2 hours yesterday . I practically had to pry the crayons out of her hands so she would eat her dinner . She has a little notebook ( one of my old ones that I used to use for shopping lists ) . She likes to carry it around with her and pretend to write and take notes as she scribbles . Sometimes her little tongue creeps out the corner of her mouth as she focuses intently on her " work " . I can only pray that she remains as focused and studious when she is old enough to go to school . Okay , so this is a lame post tonight , but it 's for a good cause . I 'm launching a new food blog inspired by the food / restaurant writing and photography I have been doing for West Valley Health & Living Magazine . I hope you 'll check it out and follow me on this latest adventure . The site is still a work in progress , but please stop by and let me know what you think ! So after posting about our recent ant issues on Facebook , I had several friends and family members giving me advice on how to get rid of them . When my good friend Tamatha recommended Terro Liquid Ant Baits , I figured we would give them a go . She warned me that the ants would swarm " like cows to a feeding trough " but to let them do their thing and they would carry the poisoned liquid back to their nest and it would kill the entire colony . A few hours after setting the baits on the counter last night , we watched the ants swarming , diving into the liquid like drunken college students diving into a swimming pool full of Jell - O shots . Despite the fact that the ants had only been confined to the small portion of the counter immediately surrounding our kitchen sink , for the rest of the night , I swore I could feel them crawling on me . It was enough to keep me awake and paranoid well past 3 : 00 a . m . What Tamatha failed to mention was that the colony 's queen was not likely to take the assassination attempt lightly , so I was completely unprepared when I saw her on the floor when I got Cadence out of her crib and carried her into the living room . But there she was , the fat , black Carpenter Ant queen , scurrying across the floor near the kitchen . Barefoot and still holding my child , my options were few , so I grabbed Cadence 's horsey bike and ran over Her Majesty before she could escape and find a new spot to rebuild her dying kingdom . Today 's 365 Project entry is dedicated to the poor ants who decided to invade and met their demise . Let 's just hope this is the last post for a very long time devoted to any sort of annoying creepy , crawly creatures . I don 't know about you , but I have had my fill . I wrote yesterday about the certain level of respect I have for most bugs and insects , yet I failed to mention spiders . It was an appropriate omission , for my relationship with spiders is certainly deserving of it 's own blog post . In short , I hate them . Indoors , outdoors , anywhere I encounter them , I HATE them and will kill them without hesitation or remorse . In fact , I killed one just today in Cadence 's sandbox . There is no live and let live when it comes to spiders . And don 't try to tell me how good it is to have them around so they can kill other insects . If I want those other insects dead , I can very well do it myself . I wasn 't always this way . In fact , as a child , I never really minded spiders , as long as they didn 't try to crawl on me or bite me . I was content to just look the other way and let them do their own thing . My family was still living in Bird City , Kansas at the time . It was a Friday night , and my sister Lindy and I had both invited friends over to spend the night . Mom agreed to drive us to the Video Kingdom in St . Francis to rent a couple movies , and since Arachnophobia had just come out on video , we decided to pick it up . We weren 't scared by the movie . Oh no , not at all . In fact , it was pretty cheesy , and the four of us ended up laughing through most of it . It 's what happened afterward that scarred me for life . ( Just a little side note here - - a few weeks before , we 'd noticed some small spiders in our basement . Since both Lindy and I had our bedrooms down there , Mom called an exterminator to get rid of them . He came in and sprayed , and all was right with the world again . ) When we opened Lindy 's door , we were surprised to see Jill climbing up on a chair and Lindy jumping up and down on the bed screaming , " Delbert missed one ! Delbert missed one ! DELBERT MISSED ONE ! " over and over while pointing to her dresser that stood on the other side of the room . I looked over to the dresser where Lindy was pointing . There , on top of her dresser , sat the biggest , hairiest , ugliest brown spider I had ever seen . Sitting there with it 's legs outstretched , it was about as big around as a baseball . The four of us stuck to our story , and wouldn 't let Mom leave the room until we found it again . There was no way we were going to sleep until we knew the big hairy beast was dead . After a bit of looking and poking around the room , we managed to scare the spider out of it 's hiding place beneath Lindy 's dresser . Mom 's eyes widened in shock , and it was obvious that she thought we were exaggerating when we told her the thing was roughly the size of a newborn kitten . It took three good tries to kill the beast , and not because Mom was missing the mark . The first blow struck the spider squarely , but just seemed to irritate it as it continued to run across the floor toward the closet . The second blow actually seemed to take a little pep out of it 's step and hobble it enough for Mom to wind up and give it a solid third . On the third try , the spider rolled over and curled it 's legs into it 's body , spasming a few times before finally dying right there on the carpet . Mom called the exterminator to come back , just to be sure there were no more surprises . He returned on Monday while Lindy and I were in schoolm and did a much more thorough examination and spraying of the house . That afternoon , Lindy and I got off the school bus and walked the three blocks to the bank where Mom worked so we could get some money to buy a snack at the grocery store before heading home . Mom said she had something to show us . We followed her to the back room and watched in horrified fascination as she held up a plastic Ziploc baggie with half a dozen dead brown spiders inside . Then , she proceeded to tell us that the exterminator determined we had an infestation of Wolf Spiders in the house , and that the tiny little spiders we had been seeing for weeks were just the babies . Apparently he had disposed of several Ziploc baggies full of dead spiders after thoroughly spraying the house and killing those that remained , and had given one to Mom as a souvenir . So you see , my abhorrance for spiders is not at all unjustified . And I will continue to exact revenge on the arachnid population for invading my childhood home and trying to take over . They should have been more careful who they were messing with . Today 's 365 Project is dedicated to all the spiders I have killed . I just want you to know , I am not sorry . Here 's the one I slayed today in Cadence 's sandbox . . . wouldn 't you know , a Wolf Spider . Ugh ! I have never been a bug hater . In fact , I was one of those kids that actually kinda liked bugs . Well , maybe I didn 't like them , but I was fascinated by them , and I used to catch them and put them in the Bug House that someone bought me one Christmas . The Bug House was made of a few pieces of wood and mosquito netting , which allowed me to see what the little bugs were up to once I got them inside . I caught beetles , caterpillars , ladybugs , lightning bugs , and even the occasional cicada . I would never keep them more than a day or two though . It just never seemed right to hold them captive for longer , so I would release them back into the wild . Hell , my nickname growing up was even " Lori Bugs " , though I 'm not sure it really had anything to do with any of the creepy crawly little creatures . In spite of my longstanding fascination with the little guys , I draw the line at bugs in my house . There 's just something about seeing bugs indoors that suddenly transforms them from fascinating little creatures into despicable little invaders that need to be immediately eradicated . While I might go out of my way to be respectful of the the little critters when I am outdoors - - making sure I step over anthills or brushing a curious bug carefully aside instead of squashing it - - I take a bug 's uninvited intrusion into my home as an open declaration of war . In Arizona , we had issues with crickets that apparently decided to move into the house when the previous owners moved out , and they made themselves far too comfortable before we moved in . We first tried to take care of the problem ourselves with gallons of bug repellent bought at the local hardware store , but after months of spraying , we hadn 't even made a dent in the population . The incessant chirping kept us up all hours of the night and haunted our dreams , and we were constantly being startled by crickets jumping out at us from every nook and cranny in the house . At one point we thought we bested them , when we realized that they were coming in through a hollow space between the siding of the house and the back patio door . Shoving the nozzle of the sprayer into the hole , Steven unleashed a deluge of bug spray , then suddenly jumped up with a yell when hundreds of crickets came pouring out of the hole and hopping drunkenly through the yard . He chased after them , stomping on them and spraying them with the bug spray until they were all dead or dying beneath the Arizona sun . Even then , we 'd barely made a dent , so we called in the professionals and after a couple of monthly treatments , we were victorious and our house was quiet . So far , we haven 't seen much of anything out of the ordinary here in our rental house . Sure , we have had the occasional spider or housefly , both of which are greeted with a quick and painless death as soon as they are discovered . Our luck though , appears to have run out . This past week , we noticed a small army of tiny black ants that have decided to invade our kitchen . We 're not 100 % certain where they are coming from , but all signs point to the window above our kitchen sink , since the windowsill and counter is where we keep finding them . We bought a couple of ant traps , but so far , they don 't seem to be working all that great . So , if anyone out there has any good remedies to get rid of annoying little black ants , we are open for suggestions . These little guys are going down ! Sometimes you just need to take a step back to put it all into perspective . I have to give my husband credit for this shot . I 'm usually the one behind the camera , so it was a nice to get a chance to actually be in a picture with my daughter . I love this shot . Every time I look at it , I hear the Foo Fighters singing " Walking After You . " Be sure to head over to I Heart Faces to see more amazing entries in this week 's From a Distance photo challenge . For a child , pain is a fleeting emotion . Sadness comes and goes almost instantaneously , as long as there is a kiss , the promise of ice cream or , in my daughter 's case , a song . If only we adults could let go of despair and hurt feelings so easily . I hate clothes shopping . There , I said it , and I 'm not ashamed to admit it . I know , it completely defies the very nature of my gender , but I guess I am just missing the chromosome that makes girls giddy about spending time shopping for clothes and shoes . This is another one of those weird things about me that I 'm sure tops Steven 's " Reasons My Wife Is Awesome " list . In fact , the only shopping that I actually enjoy is when I head to the bookstore to buy a new book . I could spend days in a bookstore , browsing the titles , plucking interesting books from the shelves and skimming the first few pages to see if something catches my interest . Often , I get so caught up in my search for new things to read that I completely lose track of time . Like an alien abductee , I look at a clock and suddenly realize that several hours have passed without me even noticing . Take me along on an excursion to buy new clothes or shoes and I can actually feel my blood pressure begin to rise as I walk into the store . Perhaps it 's the fact that I 've always been pretty self - conscious , but I just never feel like anything looks good on me . I hate having to try things on because nothing ever fits right . I hate carrying an armful of clothes into a dressing room only to discover that I 've either chosen things too big or too small , and now I can 't even remember where I found them in the first place . Things are always either too tight , too baggy , too loose , too scratchy , too short , too long , or too small . When something fits perfectly through the shoulders , it is way too baggy in the waist or vice versa . There is never a happy medium . I used to drive my Mom crazy on shopping trips . She and Lindy loooooove to shop . Lindy could spend hours trying on clothes and shoes and looking for new outfits , while Mom shopped for clothing , shoes and purses . When I was very young and we lived in McCook , there was one department store we frequented that had a mechanical horse in the back near the dressing rooms for the kids to ride . You didn 't even need quarters . You could just flip the switch on the wall and ride forever . At least in that store , I had something to keep me occupied . In other stores , I had no other choice but to get creative and try to entertain myself so I wouldn 't drop dead of boredom . I would pretend that I was a secret agent on a covert mission , assigned to the clothing store to apprehend several known criminals . I would conceal myself in the middle of the clothing racks , eavesdropping on the conversations going on in the aisles around me and waiting for the right moment to jump out and catch the perps by surprise . Needless to say , Mom wasn 't every impressed with my antics on most of our shopping trips . As I got older , I left my childish games behind and instead became a very stubborn shopper . I refused to try things on , and instead bought everything by repetition ( buying new versions or a variety of colors of the things I already owned and actually liked ) or by simply eyeballing the size of a piece of clothing that struck my fancy . I am notorious for finding a pair or jeans or shirt that I like , and then buying five or six of them ( in different colors ) , wearing them until they completely wear out , and then going out and buying five or six more of the exact same thing . With shoes , I am even worse . I find a couple pairs I like and then I wear them until they are completely falling apart . I 've been wearing my flowered Doc Martens for well over 10 years now , and plan to keep wearing them until the soles are literally worn off , or until they officially disintegrate beyond repair . Now that I am a parent , I realize that I not only have to shop for myself , I am now responsible for shopping for my child . Just when I thought it couldn 't get any worse ! I have to say , I do have a bit more tolerance when I am picking things out for Cadence . After all , there are just some really cute kids clothes , and it 's a nice change of pace being able to pick things off the racks that she will look adorable in . I do think she has a bit of my impatience for clothes shopping though , because she tends to get a little stir crazy if we are in the store longer than 20 minutes . Good thing she 's got her crazy , anti - shopping mother to keep her entertained when we go shopping with people who exceed our 20 - minute Clothes Shopping Limit . Of course , I had to comment right away when I saw this . Steven and I feel exactly the same way . It seems like no matter what we do , we just can 't seem to get ahead . We try to always be responsible . We pay our rent on time , pay our bills , and pay our taxes . We saved up and bought a home when everyone was telling us that the market was great and prices weren 't going to get any lower . We decided to make a small investment so I could make a go of doing my writing and photography full - time and be able to be home to take care of our daughter . We opened a bank account immediately after Cadence was born so we could start putting money away for her to go to college someday . We drive used cars that so we don 't have to carry the extra load of car payments . We try to only buy things that are on sale when we go grocery shopping . We work hard for every penny we are given , and then watch in dumfounded amazement as half of it is taken before it even reaches our pockets and the other half just seems to disappear as we pay for bills , for groceries , for gas , and for the dozen other things that just seem to pop up every month . Somewhere , somehow , the great American Dream turned into a rather grim reality . Too many average Americans are struggling just to make ends meet while the corrupt politicians and corporate big shots are lining their pockets with money taken out of the hands of blue collar workers . Billions of dollars were printed like Monopoly money and given away to dozens of big banks and businesses that our illustrous President deemed " too big to fail " . But they have failed , and they have taken all of us down with them . So what about the rest of us ? What about the people whose homes are suddenly not worth even half of what they paid for them ? What about the families who are watching their savings accounts dwindle ? What about the young adults who worked hard to get a good education , yet find themselves drowning in student loan debt , yet for all their knowledge , still can 't find a job ? What about the people who have lost their jobs , their homes , their hope ? Where is our bailout ? When do we get the chance to wipe the slate clean and start over ? I was raised with a good work ethic . My parents did their best to teach me the value of a dollar , and that I had to work hard to earn the things I wanted . We were blessed in many ways . We always had a comfortable home and food on the table . There were always some gifts under the Christmas tree . But there were things we couldn 't afford and certain luxuries that we made do without . I got jobs mowing lawns or babysitting to make extra money , and started working part - time at a local grocery store and preschool when I started high school . I was never one who expected something for nothing because , in my experience , that just wasn 't the way things worked . I guess that 's what makes it so hard for me to understand our current economic situation in this country and the sense of entitlement that so many people have . You get what you earn people . Nobody owes you anything . You want something ? You gotta make some sacrifices to get it . How is that so hard to understand ? We spend so much of our lives working and worrying , worrying and working . We are so wrapped up in the craziness of it that we miss out on so many of the little pleasures that life has to offer us . Life is too short to spend so much time caught up in this kind of craziness . And yet we 'll keep on going , keep plugging along , keep working and scrimping and saving and dreaming of a better life with more opportunities for our children until we finally get so fed up with this broken system that we are forced to figure out a way to change it . Today 's 365 Project entry is dedicated to all you hardworking folks who are out there pinching your pennies and dreaming of something better . We 'll get there eventually . Until then , just keep on keeping on . Since she first discovered dirt , Cadence has been obsessed . The only thing that trumps it is when she gets to play in the sand . Just last week , she had a meltdown in the Child Watch Center at the YMCA because it was starting to get stormy outside and the chaperones had to tear her away from the sandbox to bring her inside . So today was an extra special day when Cadence 's godmother dropped off her Easter gift . So , it is Day 3 of the Get Cadence to Sleep Better Project , and I have to say , we are feeling very encouraged . The first night was awful . Steven and I alternated going in every 5 minutes or so to rub her back and calm her down , but our sweet , stubborn girl just wouldn 't give up and go to sleep . Even when she was so tired that she was literally falling asleep standing up , she refused to lie down and stop screeching . Last night , she yelled for maybe 20 minutes total , and would stop and lie down on her own as soon as we opened the door and approached the crib . Once she fell asleep , she slept soundly all night and woke happy and ready to play this morning . Today during her nap , she hollered loudly for maybe 5 minutes , talked to herself for about 15 minutes , and then fell right asleep . Tonight at bedtime , it only took 10 minutes . Thank goodness we seem to be moving in the right direction . Now if Steven and I could just get our butts in bed a little earlier , all of us might finally be able to get a good night 's sleep . Today 's 365 Project entry is dedicated to tonight being a peaceful night in the Romano household , with only the sounds of Metallica , Guns ' N Roses and Nirvana lullabies playing softly through the baby monitor . Good night all ! Zzzzzzzzzz . . . . . . . This week 's photo challenge is the Best Faces From May , and this shot is definitely my favorite . There 's nothing quite like watching a child enjoy their very first ice cream sandwich . Mmmm . . . |
I had an embarrassing moment over the weekend . Colin and I were at his friends ' apartment hanging out with some friends . The apartment is a studio , pretty good size , but still basically just one room . Here 's the part that kinda sucks . His bathroom is tiny , directly off the living room ( where everyone was hanging ) , and has NO DOOR . He has this heavy curtaain set up to pull across the doorway . I suppose this gives you some degree of privacy , but it doesn 't do much in the way of muffling sounds or containing odors . The moment I relaxed my asshole , everything in my guts came gushing out . It was accompanied by an ear - shattering fart , and hit the water with a sound not unlike a bucket of Spagghetios being dumped into the toilet . I froze , trying to determine if conversation outside had ceased in the wake of the eruption . It hadn 't seemed to , but now the rancid aroma of processed hors d ' ouvres was oozing from beneath my mud spewing ass . I quickly sprayed some air freshener that was ( THANK GOD ) sitting next to the shitter . It did it 's job , and I went about more discretely voiding my bowels . After the last bit had dribbled into the toilet , I wiped my ass and flushed that toxic sludge away . I pulled up my thong , covered my cheeks with my skirt and washed my hands . By now I had been in the bathroom for at least ten minutes , so everyone out there must have known I was taking a dump . I didn 't care about that , I just hoped my bodily noise hadn 't been heard throughout the apartment . No one stared at me as I exited the bathroom , and I sighed with relief . Later , on the way home , Colin , who had been on the other side of the apartment while I was in the bathroom , said , " That was a hell of a dump you took . " Oh well . My noisy bottom gave me away once again . Heather , nice story . Talk to the the kids ' mom , she can probably give you some pointers on how she handles the situation , and can help reinforce the rules that you may institute if you have to take him in the ladies room with you . BTW , that zoo employee was correct that you should never have sent him into the men 's room by himself at that age . It 's too easy for him to get kidnapped , or sexually assaulted while he 's alone . If you 're concerned about your own modesty , there are two options , one to wear a dress or skirt so that you can cover up , or take a towel or something similar to cover up with . Kids at that age are curious , and have a short attention span . Me and my friend , Juliet , will be in 8th grade in the fall . We spend most of the time together in the summer since we live in the same apartment building and have been best friends for four years . This summer , more than ever , it seems like Juliet is avoiding using toilets when we are away from home . Last week we were riding our bicycles , we each stopped and got 20 - ounce sodas , and within minutes I had to crap . We rode a couple of blocks to a BP station and I went in first . I compltely cleaned myself out in two minutes and came back out . Juliet said she had to pee , but she opened the door , looked in and said she thought she could hold it until we got back home in about 20 minutes . About 10 minutes later she said she had to pee real bad , so we stopped at a bowling alley and both went in . I took the first stall , peed a bit and came out to find Juliet standing by the sink . She hadn 't even been in a stall or tried to go . She just said it " wasn 't quite ready " . We got back on our bikes and again I could see that she needed to go but for some reason , didn 't want to . We got about one block farther along and Juliet again wanted to stop for a pee . This time we were at a McDonalds . She went into the first stall , put toilet paper over the seat ( I 've never seen her do this before ! ) and then she sat down for a pee that was really long . She 's changed and is much more particular about going to the bathroom away from home . However , she seems to want to make it seem like nothing and gets mad if I ask / talk about it . I wonder why ? Sophee , I feel for all of you girls , that was a nasty thing to do . While all of you may be very upset about it now ( absolutely nothing wrong with that ) The day WILL come when you can look back on it and have a real good laugh . I 'm glad to hear that your principal is taking such a pro - active attitude about it . If you still have glue on your bod , you can try either WD40 , or nail polish remover to get the rest off . BE SURE that you wash off the residue afterwards as it may irritate your skin if you don 't . DO NOT use it on your labia ( or in that general area ) or on your rectum as those tissues are extremely sensitive and will likely NOT tolerate the use of either without very irritating , or even painful results . Good luck . Robert I was one of those kids Grandpa Dave whoes parents wouldn 't let them use the bathroom . This happened on car trips , while shopping and even in our own home . I was basicly not allowed to use public bathrooms unless we were gone for a long time and even then I had to wait until they thought I had waited long enough . At home it was done as a form of punishment for misbehavor . Sometimes this happened after getting home from being out someplace . It would happen like this . We would be out somewhere and I would do something wrong . I would then be told that I would not get to go to the bathroom when we got home . This was used when it was odvious I needed to go . Sometimes I would be made to wait 30 minutes to an hour . Other times I was made to wait several hours . I was once even put to bed without being allowed to go after getting home and was told I would have to hold it until morning ! I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night having to pee very very badly . Even though everyone was asleep I was to scared to go becuase I new what would happen if I went . I made it until the next moring and peed for a long time . My parents said they came in a few hours later and were going to let me go , but since I fell alseep they just let me be . I held it all together for 14 hours that time . If I got in trouble a school I would be made to hold it from the time I got home until bedtime . Sometimes I needed to go when I got home . I would usually be given a lot to drink to make me suffer more . One time I got suspened from school for fighting . The next day I was not allowed to go the whole day . I basicly had to hold it from 8 : 00 am and 8 pm drinking a nornal amount at each meal . I was told if I wet my pants I would get the belt and would have to repeat the punishemnt the next day . By dinner time I had to pee soooo bad , but nothing I could say or do would make them give in . What was worst the bathroom was right there wide open . I even past it to go to my room . I made it until 8 : 00 pm and acually had a hard time getting started . While I made it that time I did pee myself more than once mainly when I was younger and each time I was spanked to the point where bruises were left . So the fear of being spanked made me hold it in not matter how bad the pain was . I will share more here if you all would like . It sounds like you are doing fine . You don 't have to like toilet seats wet with someone else 's pee , but you have to take care of your own business . I wish that you will never be trapped on a bus without a bathroom needing to pee as I did when I was young . Oh , the pain was terrible , and when we finally got to the destination I was so clamped up tight that I could not let my urine begin to flow for several painful minutes . You will be just fine . Hey there Mason : First , keep in mind you are doing nothing to be ashamed of . The father who brought his daughter into the mens restroom should be embarrssed , not you . I think society tells up to ' grin and bare it " I 've had cleaning women walk in on us while we were on the toilets . Also , female customers have strolled in the mwns restroom , either purely accidentally , or looking for their sons . We have had groups of teen - age girls who ' bombard ' the mens restroom , just to see what doorless stalls really look like and who uses them . We just say ' excuse me " but this IS the mens restroom . The ladies restroom is right next door " Would you mind leaving ? And they usually walk out , laughing . Why don 't you at least try to get a group of your staff together to all shit together , and you guys can take turns standing in front of each others stalls , offering privacy from any ' unwanted visitors " In any case , don 't stop shitting when you need to go . Especially in warm weather , You need to shit often , and drink lots of fluids . Have a fun summer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This past weekend I was with my parents at an outdoor concert at one of our city 's largest parks . My parents go to several of these each summer because they are free . I 'm 12 and have no trouble peeing or crapping at school or most places but at the park there are only three stalls and they have no doors on them . I must have waited 15 minutes in line that extended outside the building and onto the sidewalk . The woman in front of me had a young boy who was very mean and fighting her in line . She shoved him ahead into the stall , cussed at him and started a countdown to get him to go faster . He was about 4 or 5 and I felt so sorry for him because his mom was so mean and the way she treated him really sucked . The problem was when it was finally my turn he had sprayed the seat ( why didn 't she show him how to lift it ? ) , the toilet paper was all gone and I had no choice but to sit down in the pee . I felt so bad doing it but I had no choice and there was a teenage girl right behind me that was mumbling about shitting her pants . She also had a cigarette and I hated the smoke she brought to the small room . Once down , I kept trying to get my pee flow going but the dirty conditions , smoke and line caused me to be too nervous . Finally , I started to cry and just gave up , pulling up my underwear and shorts . Since i didn 't even fake flushing , the girl made a snide comment as I walked away , but I was too upset to really hear it . I went through the last hour of the show without peeing , but I had no trouble when I ran into our house and threw myself onto the stool . Such bathrooms are so hard to use and the mean people there make them suck even worse . Do the rest of you also have situations like this ? What should I do to get more confidence ? To Teresa , firstly thank you for answering my post , tell me a little about y ' self . As I have said b4 I 'm in my 30 's nad very hirsute , hence the name . You want to know some of the places I have held on too long . 1 . Often when I 'm on the computer doing somethhing that is completely got my mind I tend to ignore the urge . Sometimes I get up and go but by then I have a turtle 's head poking out and it has got to the syage where it is too far out to suck back in . But the other day as I mentioned in a previous post I completely shit my pants while on the pc , but I finished what I was doing b4 I cleaned up tho . 2 . Like I said b4 I sometimes play a dare game with myself , do you do that as well ? ? ? ? I can hold my bm 's for quite a long time , as they are mostly fairly well formed . But I guess there is a limit to everything even poo holding . 3 . Sometime ago I walked to the general store , I live in a semi rural area , the urge to shit was not all that bad , but it got worse when I was in the shop chatting , had exit quickly , saying I was expecting a phone call . On the way back the urge got very very intense , and I dared not fart . I thought I 'd make it to a small dry creek bed and crap there , by the time I reached it I was doing the " shit shuffle " , ya know when u walk with ya butt cheeks clenched . I 'm sure I could have cracked walnuts they were so tight . I crossed the small footbridge and saw my neighbours kids playing . It just threw me completely , just then this turd started to break free of my clenched cheeks , followed by another . I was wearing a sarong type dress and no panties . I just spread my legs and shit myself , luckily the kids could not see what was happening as the sarong reached my ankles . As I walked home globs of shit started to fall down the back of legs . 4 . I was at a bbq with my friend Jas , thre urge to have a shit sort of crept up on me , so I just put it off evertime the cramps came on . I must have let go a few sbd 's cause Jas said " is that you Annie ? ? " holding her nose . I told her I 'd wait till we got home . On the way home , she was driving , I let a few more off in the car . That 's when she said " Annie have u shit your pants ? " , I said no , but if we don 't get home in the next 5 mins I will for sure . Just as we pulled into her apartment complex , I jumped out as she went ahead of me to open the door , I ran to the toilet and let go this monster turd . There was bit in the gusset of mt panties , about 4 " long . 5 Teresa I 'm easily distracted when I need to shit , so if I was on the way and the phone rang , I would answer the phone . One time I was on an international call when the urge hit me . One of those omg I need to shit type urges and I eventually shit my panties , when the doorbell rung , a neighbour returning a shovel she 'd borrowed . Well here I am on the phone , waving a thank you to my neighbour as she walked out of my drive with panties full of shit . 6 . There have been many other times as well , but generally I do hang on till the last moment . I think it stems from my childhood when I was always getting alot of shit on my hands when I wiped , so I really hated going for a shit , although having a piss was a breeze cos I learnt to stand up from my mother when I was about 12 yo . I am now trying to master the art of shitting while standing , ever tried that one ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Have poop accidents do not worry me at all , I guess you have a few too ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Well that is well and good , but men do it all the time . When I 'm at home it doesn 't really matter , being hairy has it 's drawbacks . But I shaved once when I was in my teens and I could not suffer the itch factor as it grew back . So I started to to scratch my crotch in public , but without making a show of myself . I would try to hide my hand with my bag or turn into a shop window . But I tell you you I have been caught short and I don 't care who sees me scratching my self . Any of you girls feel the same way ? ? ? ? Hi Chantal , I can certainly empathize with your experiences with gross public toilets . Hotels and major shopping malls usually have reasonably clean toilets . Office parks do as well . One diarrhea story for you ( I always have diarrhea ) . One day I was driving back from a off site visit , when I realized I had to go pretty badly , and there was no way I was going to make it all the way to the office . So , I got off the highway and went into an office park . I ran into the building , quickly found the ladies room , and ran in without a moment to spare . The first wave of my daily diarrhea dump hit the minute I sat down on the toilet . Just then , I heard a voice in the stall next to mine say " Mary , is that you ? " . Now , I don 't work in this building , and my name is not Mary . So , I said , " Sorry " . The woman in the next stall said " Sorry , I thought you were someone else " . We both then continued to have diarrhea for the next 20 minutes before she finished up , at which point she said " I hope you feel better " . I said " Likewise yourself " , and then she left . I needed another 15 minutes to finish up myself . Anyway , her comment makes me wonder who Mary is . Lindsay That is sooo awful what happened to u . In my school where I just finished my soph yr . we 've had guys joke about doing such a thing , but they haven 't done it . I especially felt sorry for your friend who got her pubic hears stuck . Ouch ! Such sabotage wouldn 't have as much impact at my school because me and most of my friends put paper down on the seat before we pee or shit . It 's more about cleanliness with us because we have some girls with very bad hygiene . One freshman girl ( I don 't think she 's very smart ) we call " sponge " because when the seat is wet and the rest of us avoid the stall , she comes right in , sits down , and apparently thinks nothing of it ! My brother , who graduated in ' 97 , said some of the guys in his class would F - up the urinals by placing a clear transparent wrap over the front and then run out . Unknowingly , boys would pee into it and the pee would spray them . For the older guys with the heavy urine stream , it could be , well , like I 've seen them use fire hoses on protesters on the national news . As my dad would say , " the bottom line is " that such pranksters make us all look bad . As 4 me , I wouldn 't mind having toilet seat tissues put in each stall . I can think of several reasons 4 using them . Son of a Preacher Man I was scheduled to attend a week long hockey camp up north with my best friend , Danny . Our dad 's went with us . Instead of staying at a hotel , we stayed at Danny 's family cabin . As soon as we got there , we both got on a four wheeler and took off through the woods . Less than a half hour in to our ride , I found out what happens to inexperienced riders who go too fast . We came around a corner on a dirt road , where a small tree was laying across the path . I tried to avoid it but ended up flying over the front end of the four wheeler . I tried to soften my fall by putting my hands out , but only succeeded in seriously hurting my wrists . I didn 't know what I had done , but the pain was bad . I couldn 't really grip the handlebars anymore . Danny helped me get the four wheeler back to his cabin . My dad was pretty angry as he took me to the hospital . Danny stayed at the cabin with his dad , where I 'm sure he got an earful too . I found out I had broken both wrists . They put casts on each arm , from my elbows , to the first knuckle on each finger . My thumb was all cast . That pretty much put an end to the hockey camp . When we got back to Danny 's cabin , we all decided to stay . Danny would still go to the camp . I would watch from the stands . Both our dad 's seemed to forget about being mad at us . We barbequed some steaks , and relaxed by the lake . My dad had to cut my food for me , but I learned how to hold a fork and managed to eat with no problem . Later that evening , we were sitting in the cabin , telling hockey stories . I had the feeling I had to poop pretty bad . They had a nice bathroom in the cabin . It was getting painful for me to hold it . I excused myself and went in to the bathroom . I quickly learned that my two broken wrists were going to cause more problems . I couldn 't get my belt buckle undone . I called for my dad to come in to the bathroom . When he came in , I asked him to shut the door , then explained that I couldn 't get my belt undone . He asked what I had to do . I told him I had to poop really bad , while wiggling around , tryinHi all , Sorry that I haven 't posted lately . I 've been extremely busy lately . Since Summer vacation is now here , I 'm now working two jobs ( teaching Summer school and working in a local department store for extra cash ) . For those of you who have forgotten , my name is Laura , I 'm a full time math and science teacher . I 'm 28 , 5 ' 9 " , athletic , petite , brunette with brown eyes . I 've got so many different stories to share , and in fact , I don 't know where to start . Jake , the guy who I 've been dating for quite some time is now my boyfriend ( no , we have not had sex if that is what you were thinking ) and last week , was officially the last day of classes . I teach at a local private high school . Since last week was the last day of school , we had a large BBQ and many pizza 's were delivered for lunch for both students and teachers . I had lunch with Karen outdoors on the picnic tables . ( Karen is a teacher as well . In fact , she 's my best friend , almost like a sister to me . In fact , she is the one who introduced me to Jake . Jake is her sister . We are the same age and we do everything together ) ! I was absolutely starving ! I had a good workout at the Gym early in the morning that day , so , the workout made me hungry . I had two slices of pizza , salad , some watermelon and a hotdog , washed down with a diet coke . I may be skinny , but , I can eat ! As Karen and I were talking at the table , I felt a sharp need to take a dump . I told Karen that " I needed to use the washroom and that I 'll be right back . " Out of the clear blue , Karen told me that " she had to take a monster crap . " We both giggled as we walked towards the building . As we approached the building , I walked pretty quickly trying to hold on as I was pretty close to making a mess in my panties . As I walked into the faculty women 's washrooms , I held the main door open for Karen . Before I had already entered the stall , I had my skirt above my waist and I know for sure that my panties were showing ( it 's okay though , it was only Karen in the restroom � that is how badly I had to go ) . I entered a stall , quickly slammed the door shut , yanked down my panties and sat down . Karen did the same thing a few seconds later . I could hear her adjusting her skirt and pulling her panties down . As soon as I sat down , I farted a few times loudly , and then started dropping my poops into the toilet . Ka - plop �� . ka - plop , ka - plop �� . . ka - plop ��� . ka - plop �� ka - plopI have other stories about myself having to take a dump while Jake was visiting my apartment . I will post that story a little bit later on ! I do data entry work for a large insurance company . I 've been there since I graduated from high school two years ago . There are about 200 women on our floor , and since the building is pretty old ( built 1880 ) there 's only one bathroom but it 's large , like 20 or 22 stalls . More than half the stalls are in use at one time , especially those on the left side of the room . I don 't know why that is but those fill up first , and then women start going to the right side of the wall . There are a large number of sinks on each side of the wall . I don 't exactly know why I started doing this , but I always select my stall on the left side and the same stall , the first stall . If someone else is in there - - and that 's the case a couple times a week - - I will wait outside for them to leave rather than go into an open stall . There 's this girl , whom I 've had lunch with several times , and she 's taking night classes in psychology . She thinks its " strange " that I 'm attached to one stall and has been asking me questions about whether I had the same " pattern " in high school . Although I haven 't directly told her , the answer is yes and it was the first stall on the third floor . I would make excuses such as I had to see a teacher up there but really I just went in and crapped or peed . The problem is now I 'm starting to question what I do and why I do it ! Does it really , really matter what toilet I put my butt on two or three times a day ? Anyone else out there with a situation like this ? Chantel with some practice you can get quite good at taking a pee while standing up , and instead of peeing at first urge , try to always hold it longer so you build up that holding muscle and stretch out the bladder some more . As for sitting on seats ; you can just hoover as they say . Mason I 've noticed I 'm beginning to have more wetting accidents again . I had 2 wetting accidents the day after my 21st birthday ( June 22 ) . The first one was first thing in the morning . I was gathering some clean clothes to take into the bathroom to change into after my shower and I tried holding my full bladder but ended up peeing all over the carpet , leaving a huge wet spot : ( I was so embarrassed . I scrubbed the carpet with some cleaner and warm water . Naturally my husband asked me later why the carpet was so wet and I lied and said I had spilled something . He didn 't ask again . Then later that day , after taking my cat in to be spayed I dropped by Starbucks and grabbed a coffee . I forgot to go to the bathroom before I left and by the time I reached 1 block away from the nearest washroom the urge got really bad and I was close to peeing in my ( peach - coloured ) capris . Somehow I held it and I picked up a few things from Shoppers . By the time I got another 3 blocks , I thought about giving in and wetting my pants , because I was sure I wouldn 't make it but I didn 't want people looking at me and knowing what I had done . It would have been too noticeable . So I walked the rest of the way and clenched my bladder muscles as I got to my driveway . I made it up the stairs , unlocked the door and as soon as I got in the door , I lost it . Pee started running down my legs and into my Nikes . I dashed downstairs , flinging my bags on the ground and kicking off my shoes and socks , ran into the bathroom , stood in the shower and pissed myself royally . My capris went from a light peach colour to dark orange . I was so mad that I couldn 't hold it one more second , but it felt good to let it out . I got out of my wet clothes immediately and showered again , then got dressed in a clean outfit and tossed the wet clothes in the laundry hamper . I did not enjoy that one bit . I am going for my first visit to the GYNO this afternoon , since I have JUST become sexually active after taking the pill for some time . First off I am checking for a UTI because the bladder problems are back , and I 'm * irritated and sore * down there , so I want to be sure and get it treated . Second is the Pap Smear and pregnancy test . So I hope all turns out well . Man this is uncomfortable : ( I hope she can find out at least about the irritation so I can treat it right away . As for the pregnancy test , it will take 2 weeks to find out . I will find out in about a week tho if I wake up with morning sickness and I can deal with that as such . P . S . I 'm somewhat constipated again despite the fibre . I dropped a 6 - inch pointy load that hurt coming out and stuck up in the toilet . And I also dropped another smaller 2 inch log . That 's all for now . Happy pooping . I just graduated from high school and I am working a great summer job at a hospital on the far side of town . I hope my job will help me with my studies to work in the medical field . Since I can 't afford a car , I must take the city transit bus to work . That means my bus leaves at 5 a . m . and if I 'm late and miss it , I have to wait 15 to 20 minutes for the next one . Yesterday , I had the worst experience . I ran two blocks and the bus just pulled away as I got to the stop . Because it was still dark , nobody could see me . In making the run , it also caused me to take my morning poop . . . and right now ! Since I live in an efficiency apartment downtown and was at one end of our city 's mile - long riverfront mall , I hurried to find the public restroom there , because nothing else within walking distance / and the time - frame to the next scheduled bus , would allow me to go elsewhere . All I could find was a three - stall womens room . Open stalls . Homeless women on each . An older lady was the first to finish , but she didn 't flush and I could see there was urine that she had been sitting on . The whole toilet , including the seat was made of gray shiny steel and it was all in one piece and attached to the partitions . Of course , there was no toilet paper when I really needed it . I had been constipated all weekend and my bowels decided to open at the worst possible time and place . It 's been years since I needed to sit on a public toilet and frustrated me . Especially since I knew I was sitting in someone else 's urine , although I kept my panties up at seat level and my dress helped me maintain more privacy than I would have thought . My BM was large and came out with one explosion about 30 seconds after I sat down . I 'll never know what it looked like because there was already the other lady 's contribution in the stool , perhaps the pee and shit of several people . It so was gross I didn 't flush either because there were two other ladies waiting for the next available stool . When I got to the hospital , I went right to the entryway ladies room , sat Richguy The other day I was in a public restroom peeing in the urinal when I felt a very weak urge to poop . I didn 't know whether I had to go or not but since I was already in the bathroom anyway I went to the stall and sat down . The second my butt hit the seat a huge bowel movement came out . My question is this : If there was so much poop in me , why was my urge to go so weak ? Hey everyone , hope you 're all well ! I just saw a music video on The Hits that I thought would be quite interesting for our little group . It 's called ' Bigger Than Big ' by Super Mal featuring Luciana . Anyway , there 's a scene in the video where Luciana goes into a public toilet and pulls her knickers down and sits on the loo , while still singing . A few seconds later , she pulls her knickers up , comes out and washes her hands . Does anyone know of any other music videos with people going to the loo ? Please reply ! To Grandpa Dave - Your post was very good , mate ! It was very emotional and I can definitely empathise with you ! It 's never fun witnessing a loved one soil themselves out of sheer desperation for the toilet ! I 'm certain that your son didn 't hold it against you and I 'm sure that you 've been a great dad to him over the years ! To Heather - Very interesting post , darling , and very interesting point raised ! The only advice I can think of , is if you were to bring one of your friends along with you when you take the kids out . If it is a female friend , she can take him into a stall while you and the young girl go to the loo . Then , once you and the girl are finished , you can look after the kids while your friend goes for her pee . If , however , you invite a male friend , then he can just take the boy to the gents toilets ! Hope this helps ! for that situation he 's young enough , take him into the girls with you and if he has to go , either have him sit , or if he stands , wipe the seat after . if you have to go , have him turn around and take the chance of him peaking , but have a punishment ready , ie u peak , u don 't get ice cream today . or something that doesn 't affect his sister . it 's not the easiest thing , but no he can 't go in the men 's alone , yet , there 's too many weird people out there . hope that helps . have fun , good luck . I going to be a senior in high school and I personally have had many of the same concerns you raise . Black seats , urine on them , no toilet paper - - been there , done that ! Kory , what I 've done is just try to make the best of it . I remember once when we were traveling and I had to use those awful bathrooms on the Interstate . Mom said , and our family doctor later agreed with her , that the best thing to do is not let your pubic area scrape , rub over or even sit on the front of the dirty toilet seat . She said that 's how pubic lice can be transmitted . Otherwise , our doctor said ( and this surprised me ) that human urine is among the cleanest fluids in the body , and while it 's unpleasant , it really doesn 't spread any disease . Also , some of the girls in my Bible group were talking about this subject last month when we took a trip across the country for a retreat . Two of them don 't pull their panties down all the way , meaning that they use their underwear as as shield over that dirty front part of the toilet seat and that way on the back few inches of their butt ever touches the seat . When I 'm in situations like you have been , I just look forward to my evening shower . One of the most embarassing things ever happened to me the other day . I was driving home from work when suddenlly I get the most urgent need to crap I have ever experienced . I am on the motorway but only about 5 miles from my junction then another mile home so I decided to speed up and get home as soon as possible so I pick my speed up to about 90mph . after only about a mile I see blue lights in my mirror and realise a cop is trying to pull me over I must admit at his point I considered just carrying on ignoring him getting home to the toilet then worrying about the consequences of not stopping later but decided I 'd better pull over . So there I am on the hard shoulder of the motorway desperately trying to hold back the most urgent need to shit I think I had ever experienced with this copper there . So he comes to my window and knocks I put the window down and he says and so on he then asks for my license and takes it back to his patrol car to do a check on the vehicle . at this point i 'm still fighting off the urge but just about winning the battle the checks just seem to take ages and what seems like an age of cramping and fighting the urge he finally comes back to my car window . At this point he explains that he is going to be writing me a ticket but first has to give me a breath test so he asks me to get out the car . I slowly get out my car and he explains to me that I need to blow into the machine so he can get a reading . I blow in to the tube on the machine but get a huge cramp and have to stop . The reath was not enougth so he makes me do it again . This time as Im blowing I get another cramp but can 't do anything this time to stop the shit from coming so there I am blowing into a tube whilst also blowing runny shit out the other end . The cop just laugths and says " I guess you wern 't lying after all " and proceeds to look at the machine which comes back negative . At this point im still craping my brains out and half doubled over but the cop just carries on to write out the ticket to make matters worse im wearing lose boxers that are absouloutlly no use at keeping it in so its running down my legs . So there I am on the verge by the motorway shitting my brains out for all to see with this copper still writing out the ticket . I now have some control over my bowels and the cop gives me the ticket and says I can be on my way with a really smug smile on his face . I think he enjoyed embarassing me like that . I go back to my car still with my stomach cramping but set off the rest of the way having to sit in all my liquid crap in my pants and down my legs . I manage the rest of the drive home and as soon as I get in my flat head straight to the bathroom to strip off my clothes and jump in the shower to wash all the mess off . I get out the shower and start to dry myself but need to jump onto the toilet to let out another load of runs that this time last about 20 mins . All through the Wednesday , June 27 , 2007 Brent : to answer your question I guess Jolie is just scared about being forced to use the toilet when she doesn 't have to go . I completed my crap in about three minutes , maybe less and I was surprised that she was not in the stall next door to mine because I had taken her in there . She 's 6 , a year older than Justine , who by the way has no trouble sitting down , going , wiping , and then getting out to the pool . Even after I wiped the seat off for her , showed her how to adjust her swimsuit to sit down and go , she just didn 't want to sit down . One of my friends said that maybe her mother has taught her not to sit on a wet toilet seat . But since I wiped it off for her , the problem should have been solved . I personally think 5 minutes is long enough . When she starts 2nd grade at school this fall , she won 't have any more time and will be sharing the bathroom with a large number of girls . I 'm 14 and now that I 'm in high school I find that I 've become more involved with my friends in the summer months . Specifically , I 'm using public toilets much more than before and I 'm just not sure what I should be doing in using them . I guess I 've never worried about sitting down to pee or poop at the mall , a theatre or Wal - Mart . However , my brother plays softball , often double - headers which can take up to four or five hours , at a city complex where the toilets are really gross . Yesterday , I peed in an open stall toilet that I had to wait 20 minutes to use and I was so embarrassed by the situation . Later after we went to Burger King to eat , my friends and I were walking home when I had to have poop real fast and we stopped at a gas station . There was pee on the seat , no toilet paper available , but I had to sit in it or otherwise I would have popped a large one right in my panties and shorts . My friend Mandy and her parents invited me to a Cubs game and all that we drank that afternoon caused me to have to pee three times . She doesn 't seem to be upset about it but I just don 't like sitting directly on public toilet seats . And I especially don 't like the large , black seats that they have in many public places . It takes me longer to get my pee flow going in the larger bathrooms and the black seats and other peoples ' pee or poop floating unflushed in the toilet bowl just creeps me out . Am I alone in the way I feel ? I just don 't have the confidence that Mandy shows in using public bathrooms . ON THE TRIP , Brian and I shared a laugh about a rather unfortunate mishap he had on a similar Fathers Day trip when he was 17 with my dad and my other 2 sons Jason and David who would have been 15 and 12 at the time . Evidently , I think Brian may have eaten something that disagreed with him and during the trip back on the highway , he asked if I could stop so he could go to the bathroom . I asked him if he could pee behind something on the road and he advised me he urgently needed to perform the OTHER function . I then asked him if he was able to hold on as there was a rest stop JUST up the road , only about 29 miles or so . Brian moaned with a bit of a worried look but being the oldest boy and not wanting to let me down nodded and said " I think so , but can we please hurry dad ? Its ( the urge to shit ) getting REALLY bad ! " Normally , out in the woods or fishing , we usually just dropped our pants out in the open and let fly but I figured other motorists passing by might not want to see Brian 's bare butt with a big nasty loaf of shit hanging halfway out and I figured I could get Brain on the toilet in time , no problem . What I didn 't realize at the time was just HOW bad the intense throbbing pressure was getting for Brian since the load of shit building up inside him was absolutely massive as I was later to find out . As we covered those 29 miles , I didn 't realize that my son was in complete agony although I SHOULD have known since he was fidgeting uncontrollably , crossing his legs moaning under his breath and generally fighting with everything he had to somehow keep his shit inside him until he reached a toilet . As we neared the rest stop , Brian 's GI contractions just got more and more powerful and Brian 's plight just got more desperate . Part of the problem was me since Brian was such a tough fit kid who played football , baseball , and wrestled and was very popular at school . He was the absolute LAST person on Earth I thought who would ever shit his pants . My confidence in him proved to be his undoing . As we pulled up to the building I saw a sign on the building with the 3 WORST words I have EVER read in my life . " REST STOP CLOSED . " And the next stop was another 37 miles up the road . With that , Brian lost all hope and the next thing I know , I hear the absolutely sickening sound of a whole bunch soft warm squishy SHIT absolutely filling my Son 's pants . And the squishy sound just seemed to go on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity . And poor Brian couldn 't do a d @ mn thing about it . The crazy thing was , not only was Brian unable to stop all that shit from rushing out his butt , he was barely able to even slow it down ! As Brian felt all that shit rush out of his body and into his pants , he sat there crying and sobbing and apologizing " I 'm so sorry Dad ! ! " Of course , I was the one who should have been apologizing . I should have found a spot where he could have droppped his pants and had his shit long before it ever got to this point . I imagined him on a psychiatrist 's couch years from this time telling some shrink about what a rotten dad I was . Then to make matters worse , youngest son Jason who was 12 at the time chimes in and exclaims " Oh SICK ! ! ! Brian 's taking a dump in his pants ! ! " I thought for sure I was going to get hit by lightning then . I NEVER told my kids to " Shut Up " ever and I didn 't allow them to say it . Now I was afraid I was going to have TWO sons on the psychiatrists sofa . After this , I decided to stop at a motel for the evening to allow Brian to clean up and recover from his gruelling ordeal even though there was still a couple of hours of daylight left . The stench in the car was absolutely putrid so we drove with the windows down as Brian sat in his warm soft squishy shit absolutely humiliated . Everyone piled out of the car when we got to the motel to check in except Brian who sat there crying . Then for the first and only time ever , I called up my wife of 45 years and made up a fib to her about car trouble as to the reason why we wouldn 't make it home that evening . ( Actually , it was technically true since the car stunk like a cesspool . Years later I told her the truth on the condition to SWEAR never to let Brian she knew ! ) I then made Jason and David swear on pain of death that they were NEVER to talk about this incident to ANYONE outside of the people present . My dad also called my mom with the same story and likewise told his wife of 57 years the same fib about car trouble . When we finally got to the rooms , it took Brian forever to get enough shit wiped off him before he got to the point where he could shower off . While he cleaned up , Brian handed me his destroyed pants and underwear to throw away in a nearby dumpster . Curiosity got the best of me and I had to see the what kind of monstrous load was able to overwhelm my son so completely and so easily . My dad was with me and he took a look too . Brian 's pants were just just FILLED with shit and it was ALL over like a shit bomb had gone off . It was like he stored up more than a week 's worth of crap for just this special moment . I 've never seen so much shit from a single bowel movement in my life . Poor Brian had just taken an absolutely horrific shit and I failed to get him on a toilet in time . NOt exactly Father of the Year material . As it turned out , this was just the beginning of the shits and runs for Brian who spent more time on the toilet that night than he did off it . He didn 't get over his diahrrea for another 2 days . Oh well , Brian and I had a good laugh about it this past Sunday and he certainly seems successful and well - adjusted enough ( as are Jason and David ) so I figure overall , I couldn 't have done TOO badly . Next page : Old Posts page 1588 >< Previous page : 1590 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
Down the Hall on Your Left This site is a blog about what has been coasting through my consciousness lately . The things I post will be reflections that I see of the world around me . You may not agree with me or like what I say . In either case - you 'll get over it and I can live with it if it makes you unhappy . Please feel free to leave comments if you wish . All postings are : copyright 2014 - 2017 Archive for the category " San Francisco " 29 After all those years in California I moved to Indiana . Terre Haute ( That 's French for " We 're gentle people aside from the Meth . " ) is the Peoria of the Midwest with good , solid , hard working people who don 't wallow around in being nutty . If this is so why am I sitting next to a guy who would make San Francisco move to another table ? IT LOOKS LIKE SPRINGTIME IS FINALLY HERE . I see robins and cardinals and they don 't look worried about frostbite . There are giant Vs overhead going north and there are new baseball stars on the horizon . Jan 2017 1 Comment It 's Stranger in the Night FOR REASONS KNOWN BUT TO GOD AND THAT BURGER AND FRIES I HAD FOR DINNER , I didn 't sleep all that well last night . I did wake up several times to go and contribute to the water table . Getting back to sleep I found a difficult problem . I finally gave up at about 5 : 30 AM . I 'll make up for my tossing and turning today in front of the TV . All I need to do is drop my bones into the Rip van Winkle Memorial Chair , turn on TCM and BOOM ! I 'll be sound asleep within seconds . Like a Polar Bear in winter . " Davis , wake up . I want you to take over . I 'm exhausted and I think we 'll be safer with night coming on . We 'll switch again when we stop for gas . " Davis used his debit card to fill the tank of his three - year - old , white , four - door Ford Taurus . He made a mental note that it was due for a scheduled maintenance checkup . He topped off the tank and put the nozzle back into the pump . It was then that he realized he was finally hungry . He really hadn 't eaten anything since he had picked at his lunch back at the Target store in Santa Maria . Now he wished that he had , at least , eaten his churro . Laura had inhaled her food as if lunch was going out of style . Davis walked over to the rack . He studied the collection of foil and paper - wrapped sweet and salty junk foods . He picked up a small bag of chips and headed over toward the beverages . " See , I told you I 'd come in handy . " Davis looked out of the passenger side window at the passing California landscape . " I wish you 'd let me drive for a while , though . " " Later tonight maybe . I 'm a better driver than you are and it helps me to relax . " Relax was something that Laura had not been able to do for a second , ever since she saw her own face staring out from page four of the San Francisco Chronicle . " Besides , I think better while driving . Maybe I can figure a way out of this mess for us . " " Well , dearest , " she said , " at sixteen I was picking up extra pocket money as a wheel man . Just for kicks really . My father never knew . It was stupid and dangerous , but I was good at it . " " Don 't tell me any more right now . " He was a stranger in a strange land if ever there was one . " I haven 't digested everything you 've laid on me so far . " " I do have one question though , " he said . " Why did we stop at a travel agent before we left ? A ticket for one from Miami to Detroit ? " " A little deception . Detroit is a border town , a ten - minute walk out of the country across the river . I bought it in my own name , of course . It won 't fool anybody for long , especially Dominic . But the Feds will have to check it out . It 'll tie up a couple of their guys for a few hours and give us a little extra edge . It 'll help our odds , maybe . " She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders . " Maybe not . I don 't know . " He stood by the door of his apartment building slowly going through his mail . Everything was addressed to him as either Mr . Davis Lovejoy or , all too often , as " Occupant . " Mixed in with the junk mail and the bills was a plain white envelope with no return address . It was postmarked the day before . He opened it slowly . It was almost as if he expected it to explode . Inside was a single sheet of notepaper - the same notepaper he had seen taped to the mirror in Laura 's apartment . " Well that didn 't happen , did it ? " she said out loud as she popped a bagel in the toaster . She wanted a life that was simpler , not filled with so many dangerous possibilities . " Didn 't get that either , did you ? " she said as she picked up the morning paper from outside her door . Your timing sucks , girl . Why did this have to happen now ? Twelve years ago I would have jumped for joy . Now I 'm sick about it , just sick . " This man … this fine , wonderful , funny , and tender man says that he loves me , and I believe him . I think that I love him , too . Oh , hell , I know that I do . I know that I love the way he smells and the way he tastes . I love his voice in my ear and his breath on my neck . He makes me gasp . " It 's like I 'm reading a book for the first time . One I should have read a dozen years ago . One that everybody else has already read , and now I want to memorize every word . " He says that he wants to be with me . He doesn 't know what that really means . If I tell him , I 'm afraid he 'll run , and I 'm afraid for him if he doesn 't run . " I didn 't know that my skin could ever be so … so in love with someone else 's skin . He kissed my little scars . He kissed my moles . I didn 't know that love could be fun . I didn 't know that love could be my choice . I didn 't know love , period . " I would never hurt him and I 'd kill anyone who tried to . I hope he 'd be able to do the same for me . Hopefully it will never come to that . " Maybe I can stay here . Maybe I can be safe . It 's been only a couple of months , at most . Oh , why can 't … ? Why can 't … too many things ? " The pungent aroma of the coffee brought her back into her kitchen . She poured herself a mug and picked up the newspaper . Quickly scanning past the local news she got to page four . " It 's a salad , " said Blanche . " It 's okay , but I 've had better . But you know , we really come here for the floor show . " " The people , the customers , are the show , " agreed his wife , waving her hand in a sweeping arc . " This is the best place to people watch . You get a real cross section of humanity eating here . " Yes , those two over there , in the booth near the window . " He pointed with a breadstick . A small piece broke off and fell onto the candle glowing in the center of their table . " Let 's see . " He adjusted his glasses , trying for just right tilt of his head to see that far clearly . " Judging from the body language , I 'd say that it 's not a first date , but they 're not married . " After another leisurely breakfast they walked down by the shore of the Bay . The fog had stayed out at sea and the Golden Gate Bridge dominated the view , it 's towers vaulting into the sky . As they strolled beside the magnificent sailing yachts and watched skeins of pelicans skim the surface of the Bay , these two transplants from other lives held hands and knew that something was happening that they hadn 't planned on . And they let it happen . The room was filled with too much of everything . The Don had wealth , but not the taste to know when enough was enough . Tables were crowded with small mementos and photos . He kept an antique barber chair in one corner , ostensibly to remind him of his humble roots . The reality was that he liked to sit in it during meetings . It made him feel like a king on his throne . There were at least a dozen pictures of his daughter at various ages . She was his prized possession . " Honest , Don Giani , I don 't know where she is - yet . I traced her to Boston , but after that , nothing . Do you think she might have gone up to Montreal , you know , to visit her people up there ? " " No . Let me tell you something , Dominic . I 'm losing my patience with you . I 've got my own people out looking for her , too . I already know about her car in Boston and the airline tickets . She 's not in Montreal , or Miami . I would have heard and she 'd be back home by now . " You have your people looking - I have mine , " continued the Don , his patience waning . " I don 't care who finds her first , but if I find her first you are going to pay for my expenses on this . I put the blame for all of this mess on your head . So , you are going to pay for it . " " Sir , I hear where you 're coming from , but since I don 't actually know why she took off , it may have nothing to do with me . She may have just gone off on a vacation . So , I don 't think , necessarily , therefore , and ergo , that I should have to pay for something you are choosing to do on your own . I love her with all my heart and I 'm scared for her . I don 't know where she is and I want her home , that 's all . Can 't you see this from my point of view ? " " My daughter fell in love with you for some reason and wanted to marry you . I wasn 't happy with her choice . I always thought you were never going to amount to anything beyond a two - bit grift . I was right . " " Don 't interrupt me . You ' done all right ' you say ? The only reason you 've got more than two pair of pants to your name is because of me . I give you whatever you have . I have to order other people to throw some crumbs your way . I protect your sorry ass . Without me watching over you , Beverly would already be a widow . Dominic , you are nothing but a slow - witted , violent fool . " Dominic 's fear was turning into a barely concealed rage . His earlier decision to kill Don Giani , after first taking care of his wife , was feeling more and more like a very good idea . But for now , he had to sit and take the insults . " Don Giani , I thank you for whatever help you have given me over the years , and I 'm truly grateful . I really am , but I came here to talk with you about Beverly . I didn 't come here to be insulted and called names . " With a quickness that belied his years , Don Giani Montini reached out and slapped his son - in - law hard across the face . The sound cracked like a small caliber gun and Dominic 's cheek reddened immediately . Dominic restrained his reflex to return the blow , to beat his father - in - law to death . " You useless little piece of trash , " the Don said softly . " Get out of my house and don 't come back without my daughter . " He looked at Dominic like he was something he had stepped in . " I ought to just kill you myself , right here , right now , but you are still , much to my disgust , family . " Dominic stood up , adjusted his lapels , composing himself , and headed toward the door . He was quiet . He didn 't want to say anything more . He would get his satisfaction from seeing Don Giani 's eyes staring up at him from the gutter , dead . " Dominic , remember this . If you have harmed my child you will beg me to let you die . " He lowered his head and closed his eyes . A major headache was starting to gather . As he opened the door , Dominic turned and faced Don Giani . It was time to twist the knife a little . He couldn 't resist the urge . " Don Giani ? " When the older man looked up , Dominic reached out to the small table by the door and picked up a framed photograph of Beverly as a child . With his ice cold eyes fixed on his father - in - law , Dominic kissed the image of Beverly 's face and then tossed the picture to the carpet . He smiled as he walked out and closed the door quietly behind him . " You know , Davis , " she began hesitantly , " I 've had a really nice time tonight . I 've needed something like this . It 's been a long time . " She smiled at him and meant it , really meant it . " I 've enjoyed it too . I don 't want it to end , but I know it has to . Can we do it again ? " he asked . " Can we do this again ? " He was feeling surprisingly shy . The ball was in her court . If she said no she would be back where she started , in her apartment and alone . If she said " Yes " … who knows where it might take her . But it would take her someplace . That much was sure . Davis interrupted her . " I know the place . They have some tables out on the patio ? Yes , very good , super French toast too . Breakfast tomorrow ? What time ? " " Seven - thirty it is . " He was hoping for something a little bit later . He was going to be up late tonight , working , but he smiled and agreed to meet her there . She insisted on that condition , yet again . " First one there chooses the table , " he added . " Don 't worry , I 'm fine , " she said , trying not to shiver . " I live close by . You just go on home now and I 'll see you tomorrow morning . Okay ? " " Are you sure ? I can walk you home . Remember , this is a big city with some very nasty people . " He really was concerned . And , he wanted to spend more time with her as well . Davis stood there , not really knowing what to do or how to feel . Should I follow her and see where she lives ? No , that 's stupid and juvenile , and besides she 'd kill me if she caught me . I like her . She 's smart , a good talker - once she relaxes , and I think she likes me . He started walking home . It was only seven blocks . He 'd be there before he got too chilled . He didn 't need to catch a cold or anything . He had too much work to get done . I like him . He 's smart , he doesn 't talk too much , and I think he likes me . She saw her image in the mirror on the dresser . She thought her reflection was giving her a stern glance . " What are you looking at ? " Laura said from the bed . " It 's just breakfast . It doesn 't mean anything . Nothing is going to happen . He 's just a nice guy . I 'm not going to hide anymore , so I might as well have some company . " The next morning came very quickly for Davis . He had stayed up working on his client 's accounts until a little after two a . m . Spending the evening with Laura just pushed everything back . It was worth it , he thought . With a few hours of sleep and a shower he 'd be fine . Why didn 't I suggest nine a . m . ? The morning was bright and sunny . The fog held just offshore , obscuring all but the tops of the Golden Gate Bridge towers . It left most of the bay clear with whitecaps glistening and the commuter ferry boats bouncing in the choppy water . The large blue and gold ferries came into The City from Marin county and the East Bay communities . A steady stream of southbound cars and buses crossed the bridge , emerging from the fog and spilling onto Lombard Street on their way to downtown . Just another work day in paradise . She slipped on the denim jacket , donned the floppy hat , her sunglasses and , with a sense of guilty caution , tucked the small revolver into her bag . She felt that Davis was not a danger , but , as even he said last night , " It 's a big city with some very nasty people . " She had already met one of them . Taking her time and enjoying the walk , she spotted a flock of the wild parrots again , and heard the deep bellow of the foghorns from out by the Golden Gate Bridge . She felt at ease and was looking forward to the day . She half regretted bringing the gun . Arriving first at the cafe gave Laura , by prior agreement , the right to pick the table . Contrary to her last visit , she chose one of the tables on the small patio . The edge of the umbrella above the tabletop fluttered in the early morning offshore breeze . Ordering some orange juice , she sat there , lifting her face into the sunlight rising higher over the East Bay hills . The warmth felt comforting . She closed her eyes and let it wash over her . " Oh , God , this is good , " she said out loud . Her eyes snapped open to see the smiling young waiter standing next to the table holding a ceramic coffee pot , steam rising from the curved spout . " Would you like some coffee ? " he asked . " We get all of our coffee from a roastery in Mill Valley . " " I 'm sorry … I 'm sorry . I overslept and then I couldn 't find a clean pair of socks . " She looked down and saw two bony ankles peeking out from under his chinos . " I 'm sorry . I hope you didn 't think I forgot . " He was panting . Over Eggs Benedict and hot coffee Davis gave Laura a short primer on things to see and do in " The City . " Some of the touristy things were worth seeing , others were not . There were some great little shops , cafes and vistas that must be explored and neighborhoods to experience . He went on and on about the cultural glories of the Mission District and it 's " best food in town . " " Union Street , " he said , " is just a couple of short blocks from here . Lots of nice shops . " He pointed south toward the steep hills that set the Marina apart from the rest of The City . " When we finish here we can stroll up there and you can check it out . Okay ? " " Oh , that sounds good . I really do need some new things and maybe I 'll buy you some new socks , you poor soul . " She smiled and patted his hand as it held his coffee cup . The shops on Union Street , a neighborhood called " Cow Hollow " from its rural origins , let Laura find the clothing and accessories that she needed to refill her closet . It also lifted her spirits . She didn 't feel so temporary any more . Maybe things could work out for her here . They were sitting in an ice cream parlor , enjoying a scoop of mango gelato when Laura noticed the time . It was a little after three p . m . They had spent the day - just spending the day together . " Don 't worry about it , " Davis answered . " I got breakfast , and a very nice new pair of Irish woolen socks out of it . I feel fully compensated . " As they left the ice cream parlor Laura looked at Davis struggling with the bags and said , " This has been a wonderful day and I have you to thank for that , but let 's catch a cab from here . " With that , she stepped to the curb and let loose with an ear - splitting whistle . Two taxis came close to colliding trying to get to the curb first . She was not ready to let him know where she was living . Realizing her strategy he leaned forward and told the driver , " You can drop me on Fillmore , down by the middle school . " He was going to stop for a drink . The cab pulled away from the curb , into traffic . " Thanks again for a great day . " He leaned toward her . She met him halfway and they kissed . This time her fingers rested on his cheek as she found his lips . Sitting on the stool , nursing a light beer , he went over the day , playing back the moments . It was a good day with her , even though there were several things that struck him as - not odd , so much as mysterious . When Laura paid for breakfast and for her purchases on Union Street , she paid in cash . What woman doesn 't use credit cards ? And she paid for everything with hundred - dollar bills . He saw the dress store clerks check them with their fraud pens , so he knew they weren 't counterfeit . But who carries that many hundred - dollar bills with them to go out to breakfast , and why did she not want him to know where she lived ? She didn 't have a wedding ring on . He had reflexively checked for that while they were both holding onto the ice cream in the Safeway . By 7 : 45 , most of the tourists had retreated back to the Fisherman 's Wharf area where the huge restaurants were shoveling frozen crab and other dubious bits of overpriced seafood into the folks from Iowa . The Marina was now safely in the hands of the locals . Herbs and spices were mating to produce wondrous flavors that the tourists would never get to taste . He couldn 't explain it , but he felt like a teenager again . He hadn 't been this excited about going out with a girl since his junior year in high school when one of the cheerleaders finally said " Yes . " He hoped tonight would go better . He double - checked the seams on his trousers , just to be sure . " My God , am I going on a date ? No I 'm not ! It 's just dinner . " She shook her head , pushing the idea of a date out of the picture . " It 's just dinner . " She dressed in the nicest outfit she could put together from her shallow closet . She wanted to look good for a dinner in a nice restaurant . It was going to be a bit chilly out with the fog being in , but she refused to wear the denim jacket . It was only a short stroll from her apartment to Scott 's restaurant , so she felt no need to rush . She didn 't want to get there first . She didn 't want to appear too anxious , although she was , terribly so . It would be good to let him cool his heels for a few minutes . He had made her break into a sweat in the supermarket , so a little turnabout would be fair play . Let him think he 'd been stood up . " No , " she replied . " They 're fine . I guess I 'm just not as hungry as I thought . " She looked at his plate . " You 're not doing much with your sole there , I see . " He looked at his fish and set down his fork . " It 's really good , but I must not be all that hungry either . Oh , well . " Laura put down her fork and said , softly , " I want to thank you again for your help with that man on the street last week . That took courage . You didn 't know . He could have been armed . Thank you . " " And … , " she continued , wanting to get all of this out , " I want to apologize for the way I treated you in the supermarket today . I was rude to you and it was uncalled for . I 'm sorry . Forgive me . " She picked up her fork again and tasted a few grains of the golden saffron rice . She avoided looking at Davis . If she had looked up she would have seen him gazing at her with a thousand questions in his eyes . " Laura , it 's me who should be begging for your forgiveness . I should have just let you have that ice cream instead of making a federal case out of it . I don 't know why I behaved like that . I didn 't mean to upset you . Please , accept my apology . " Laura lifted her eyes to meet his . " Apology accepted . Now we 're even , " she said with a shy smile . She shook her head and said , " You must have thought I was crazy . " " Well , for a second there , I thought you were going to go postal on me , " he said . She didn 't hear him . Her mind was searching for the right words to explain to him what happened . " It 's just that - It 's just that I - I 've had some bad experiences with men and I overreact sometimes . I 'm sorry . " That was as good as she could allow herself to say . " Then , " he answered , reaching into his inside coat pocket , " here is my business card with my address . I 'm either there or at the donut shop on Chestnut , most times . " He extended his hand across the table . Laura hesitated , then took the card and propped it up against the edge of her bread plate . " Thank you . That 's very sweet of you . I don 't want to be a bother , " she said , looking at his card , noting that his address wasn 't very far away . In an effort to change the subject , Laura slipped the business card into her bag on the floor next to her chair . It leaned neatly up against the pistol . She then turned the focus away from herself . " Me ? There 's not a whole lot to tell , I guess , " he said , and for the next twenty minutes he gave her his life story . She stayed silent except to offer the occasional , " I see , " or " Really ? " Davis began with how he had grown up as an only child in a lower middle class home in Cleveland , Ohio . His father was one of the last of the lifelong steelworkers , a man who went to work in the mills looking for a decent wage and job security . By the time he was 55 , there was neither for him . Thirty - five years inside the hellish world of the mill had taken his strength and his health . The only job he could do anymore was as an inspector and his failing eyesight was letting through too much flawed product . By his fifty - seventh birthday he was on full disability and lost in the oddities of idleness . By age sixty he was dead , in a sense by his own hand . Because he could no longer produce , he consumed . Alcohol finished the job that the Hot Mill had started . Davis 's mother had doted on " her boys " for decades . She loved her husband and missed his presence in her life . She confided to her sister that she felt that she never saw her husband because of the hours he was working . Later , when he could no longer work , she saw his body at home on the couch , but it wasn 't the same man she had married at St . Columbkille 's church when she was young and three months pregnant . The Lovejoys were decent , hard working people , reliable to a fault . They loved their son more than they had words to express . They were determined that his life would be better . That was the bedrock of their existence . There was a needlessly long steelworkers walkout when Davis was 17 and a senior in high school . The lost income was just that : lost , never to be recovered , no matter how good the eventual contract raises were . The strike crippled the family 's finances . Plans had to be changed , dreams deferred . Four days after his eighteenth birthday Davis and his father went out for lunch and made two stops on the way : the first at the post office where Davis registered with Selective Service , and the second at the union hall to get his card . A week later Davis was operating a ten - ton crane loading steel pipe onto rail cars and big rig haulers . He was making fourteen times the wage his father had made when he 'd first walked through the mill gate decades earlier . Davis decided it was time to go to college . His standing in the union and with the steel company helped him get reassigned as a " swing man . " He became a part - time worker who would be called on to cover different jobs and different shifts as needed . This would give him some free time to go after an education . The idea of doing both things at once didn 't bother Davis . Hard work was a family tradition . Plus , he didn 't want to continue the other family tradition of being crushed and shattered by a lifetime in the mill . He imagined them to be the accountants and the metallurgists that were at the heart of the company . He knew nothing about metallurgy , he thought , although most veteran steelworkers are practical metallurgists , almost chefs . Making steel is done by recipe , adding specific amounts of this or that element to obtain the properties needed in any particular " heat " of steel . Davis and two other men were loading oilfield pipe onto skids for shipment to Oklahoma . One of his coworkers was a new kid , a local football " phenom " who had managed to flunk all of his classes at Ohio State . He was so lost in the classroom that even the head coach couldn 't save his athletic scholarship . Now the " phenom " was working in the mills , just like all the other men in his family . The new kid was adjusting the slings on the crane that would hoist the forty - foot lengths of black , oil - covered pipe up and into position . When it was ready , he gave the signal to proceed . The steel lifted slowly and moved toward Davis , who would finesse the pipe into place . Within seconds , the load began to spin slowly to the left . The kid had not centered the load properly and it was starting to slide out of the sling . At this point , there was nothing anyone could do . Six forty - foot long steel pipes were going to fall fifteen feet to the concrete floor of the mill . All hell was about to break loose . Davis yelled out a warning and ran toward the young football star hoping to rescue him before it was too late , but flying steel blocked his path . The nineteen - year - old stood transfixed at the sight of the tonnage now headed straight for him . He never moved until the steel blasted into him , sounding like a million church bells . He disappeared underneath what looked like a giant 's game of pick - up - sticks . He went to work every day in the Accounting Department doing billings on the steel pipe that he used to make . He wore a white shirt and took care of his mother . It was the hardest job he had ever had in his life . For the first time in his life , Davis Lovejoy was on his own . No one needed him . There was no reason for him to hurry home after work . There was no reason for him to go home at all . There was no home . There was only a house on a side street , in a neighborhood too close to the steel mills . He wanted to be where the sun shined more , where there was air that didn 't carry warnings , and where there was no snow to shovel . He used his vacation time to scout out likely cities . When he got to San Francisco he felt comfortable at once . The cool breeze off the ocean carried a salty tang and the warm sun let everything blossom . " So , I 've been here almost five years now . I guess that 's pretty much it , " he said with a small shrug . " I hope I haven 't bored you to death . " She had run back to her apartment after the confrontation on the street with the drunken old man . He knew her despite the changes in her appearance . It sent her into a deep , dark fear that choked her . Was there no way for her to survive ? She 'd never heard of anyone outrunning the Family . Whatever made her think that she could be the one to do it ? At first , she couldn 't sleep at all . For three days she jumped at every sound and paced the floor for hours at a time . Then , exhausted , she slept almost around the clock . She hoped that it would be an escape from the fear . It wasn 't . Her new look worked well to help her blend into California 's cultural mindset . She was now just one more blonde adrift in a state of thirty million blondes . Her looks no longer screamed " New York Italian . " At a little before 3 a . m . , she headed back to her apartment with two plastic shopping bags filled with some necessities and a few small luxuries . Among these was a pint carton of Ben & Jerry 's " Cherry Garcia " ice cream . She decided to take Chestnut Street back . It was a shorter , quicker route and the plastic bags were already cutting into her fingers . She missed going to the gym . She was used to a three times a week regimen of Tae - Bo , Pilates and Zumba . Being in your early thirties meant that regular workouts were needed to keep fit . Of course , the near addiction to Cherry Garcia didn 't help . Carl " Tucky " Santi was seventy - one years old . He had grown up in New York City and had earned his bones as a soldier for the Roncalli Family . After his wife died , he retired to California to be near his daughter and the grandkids . He spent too much time in restaurants and bars for a man his age . So said both his daughter and his cardiologist . Santi stood on the corner waiting for the light to change . His car was parked illegally up on the sidewalk of a nearby side street . He adjusted his belt to give his belly a little more breathing space and looked around at the other people still out at this hour . Across the street , he noticed a good - looking blonde who seemed vaguely familiar . Tucky Santi may have been retired , but he still kept up to date with the news from back home in New York . He had to check out this blonde . He hitched up his trousers and crossed the street against the light . A taxi had to swerve to miss him . Not even noticing the cab , he fell in behind the blonde and slowly closed the gap between the two of them . He wanted to be sure . It looked like her , but the hair was much shorter and the color was wrong . The second man stepping onto Chestnut Street was Davis Lovejoy , an accountant . He was unmarried , a transplant from Cleveland . He lived in the Marina District and his life was as dull as dirt . Lovejoy was leaving the donut shop just down the block from Pasquale 's . He was working late at home and had taken a break to stretch his legs and to get a little something sweet . His pale blue eyes , streaked with red from too many hours staring at a computer screen , needed the break as well . Holding his coffee in one hand and the small paper bag with an apple fritter in the other , he yawned and headed home . Quarterly tax filings were due soon . It was crunch time for all accountants . Laura realized that she was still more than a half - pound paranoid . She felt that everybody on the street was looking at her . It may have been a lot of paranoia , but that was better than a lot of dead . " Beverly , it 's me , Carl Santi , Tucky . I was at your wedding , remember ? My Rosa and me , we gave you the pasta machine . Remember ? " She ran through her short list of options : He was old . He was obviously drunk . She thought that , maybe , she could just " BS " her way out of this . He knew . She looked at him . He was weaving slowly , but he had his eyes locked on hers . The blood ran from her face . She never thought that it would be a drunken old man who would catch her . Her cries caught the attention of everyone on the street . They all looked toward the corner and saw a woman struggling with a larger , older man . He was grabbing at her as she screamed and fought to get away . Santi was losing his grip on the much younger and sober woman as she twisted and began to go on the offensive . She glanced at the man who had come to her aid . The situation was getting more complicated by the moment . Lovejoy moved to flank the attacker . He reached out . He wanted to get the old man down on the ground . The retired mob soldier lashed out and delivered a beefy backhand across the younger man 's face . The accountant reeled and fell to the sidewalk , stunned by the power of the blow . Tucky Santi 's alcohol - fueled adrenaline was kicking in . He threw a wild punch . It missed her by a foot . They all stopped and stared at each other . This was not working for anybody . Santi realized , through his wine induced haze , that he wasn 't capable of dragging the younger woman away . He had to get help . He reached into his coat pocket for the cell phone that his daughter had insisted he carry " just for emergencies , Papa . " If he could call someone to come help him he would score some big points with the people in New York . He could be involved again , a Player . Davis Lovejoy , still down on the sidewalk , could see that the old man was fumbling with his phone and walking away . The woman seemed to be in no immediate danger . But he wanted to hold the drunk for the police . The bus driver never saw the man until he reeled out in front of the accelerating coach . From the way that the old man hit the pavement , the twenty - three - year veteran driver knew that the poor guy was dead . So did everyone else who witnessed the accident . Carl Santi 's body had crumbled like a stale Saltine when it slammed onto the concrete pavement . People from both sides of the street ran over to get a closer look . Traffic came to a complete halt . It was just shy of 3 : 30 a . m . Davis Lovejoy stared at the old man 's dead body . He wondered out loud about what had just happened here . Who was this guy … and the woman ? The woman … ? He turned back to the sidewalk . She was gone . In all the hubbub , she had just walked away into the late night fog . Her groceries were scattered all over the sidewalk . The Police and paramedics arrived on the scene in minutes . Witnesses gave fifteen versions of what had gone down . The majority said that the old man was drunk , violent , and that he had stumbled out in front of the bus on his own . It was nobody 's fault but his . The accountant was questioned and released to go back to his tax forms . He wouldn 't need any coffee or sugary treats to stay awake now . Laura hurried back to her apartment and cried for the first time since she had arrived in San Francisco . It was partly from relief and partly from the fear of realizing her vulnerability . She was safe for the moment , but until she felt up to another shopping trip , it was back to cheese crackers and Diet Pepsi . Laura knew that she had to conquer her fears , both rational and irrational , or she wouldn 't make it . She would end up taking her revolver to bed . She knew that it was just too dangerous to start resuming any kind of a normal life . But she also knew that she had to try . It was a risk , but life is a risk . I WAS LOOKING IN MY CLOSET YESTERDAY . It was like gazing into a Time Machine . There are clothes in there that I haven 't worn in years . Some don 't fit anymore . Some never did fit , and some I used to wear to work . John Kraft is a writer living and working in Terre Haute , Indiana . He moved to the Midwest after 25 years in California where he worked as an actor , comedian , voice - over actor , as well as a writer . He now enjoys a saner pace of life with his wife , Dawn , who tries to keep him from embarrassing himself in public . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
As she heard the car approach , she straightened , smoothing her skirt and schooling her face to a less anxious expression . Paul grinned a little . She was good at that , hiding her emotions for a little while , but it never lasted . Paul laughed . " As safely as he can . I 've never seen a man make such a flurry getting on a train . I don 't envy Cousin Ruby ! " He opened the rear door of the car nonchalantly , pulling out the two bags of groceries that she 'd asked him to fetch in town . " Why don 't we bring these inside you look cold . r - " and he smiled fondly , " do you want me to go look for Timmy ? " She blushed , lowering her head . " I 'm that obvious , aren 't I ? Oh , he really isn 't that late , but after what Miss Hazlit told us yesterday , I was worried . " She raised her troubled eyes then , looking into his face searchingly . " I don 't want to be one of those oppressive mothers , like my old Aunt Alma . I wince every time I think of how she smothered my cousins , and then I almost made the same mistake a few months ago when I made such a fuss about Timmy possibly being allergic to Lassie ! I just wonder how you take care of a child without keeping them tied to you forever ! " Paul gave her a quick hug . " We 're new at this parenting business , but I think Timmy understands us now . And he understands why you fussed over Lassie as you did and doesn 't blame you any longer . We 're doing better all the time and Timmy 's all the more comfortable for it . " She sighed . " I still wonder though . And why am I so anxious that he 's thirty minutes late coming home from school again ? He hasn 't been late once since we bought him the bicycle . " He handed her the grocery bags . " Here , take these , go inside and keep warm . I 'll just drive down the road and see what 's keeping him . We don 't have to worry , anyway . Lassie will protect him from lions if she must . Hey - " this as he transferred the bags , " how 's our Thanksgiving surprise coming along ? " Paul ruffled his hair . " Nothing at all from my point of view , skipper . If it wasn 't for adoption , your mom and I wouldn 't have you . " Paul gave a deep sigh . " Timmy , I don 't understand all the time what makes people do what they do . But some people and children just like to tease people simply for the love of teasing . P obably before you came along , there was another boy or girl they ' picked on . ' P ople like that exist everywhere , grownups as well as children . F r some reason it makes them feel important to tease and torment others . W en I joined the service , there was a young fellow who was always baiting me . H was from Chicago and kept calling me a ' hayseed , ' hoping I would pitch into him . I hated it , but I ignored him as much as not to show him he 'd gotten my goat as to not get in trouble with the sarge . Do you know what ? As soon as he realized I wasn 't going to get upset about the teasing , in fact that I was proud of being from the country , he let me alone . w " Now if Rudy and Don hit you , that 's a different matter . " He looked down at the little boy kindly . " You know what would happen if I spoke to them about their teasing you , don 't you ? " Paul gave him a hug . " Sometimes the world 's a rough place . " Then his eyes twinkled . " How 'd you like a surprise to make you feel better ? " He laughed . " I 'd wager she has , but this is a different surprise . I don 't suppose you 'd be interested in some company for Thanksgiving ? " Timmy now looked as if he were going to explode . With a leap , he sprang from the seat of the truck to throw his arms around Lassie . " Lassie ! Aunt Ellen and Jeff are coming ! They 're coming to see us for Thanksgiving ! Jeff 's coming , Lassie ! Yippee ! " The big collie began barking and Timmy turned from her to Paul , flinging his arms around his father . " That 's the swellest present I 've ever had , Dad . Thanks ! When do they get here ? How long are they staying ? " Paul picked him up and put him back into the truck , then patted the seat to call Lassie up . " Come on , girl . What do you say we go home , eat some of Mom 's gingerbread , and we 'll both tell you all about it . Let me put your bike in the back of the truck and then we 'll get going . " He looked preoccupied and it puzzled her . The night before he had been alight , chattering like a small bird , asking all sorts of questions about the arrival of Ellen and Jeff Miller , the time the train was coming , when they would leave the house . He 'd been so excited it had been hard to get him to go upstairs for his bath or indeed even settle to sleep . She had peeked into his bedroom a half hour after his bedtime and seen him petting Lassie , who had her head resting on his blankets , and talking to her about Jeff 's visit . Unmindful of her best dress , she squatted before him , straightening the collar of his shirt under his suit jacket collar . " Something bothering you , Timmy ? You do want to see the Millers , don 't you ? " Timmy 's eyes sought out Lassie . Earlier that morning he had laboriously brushed her coat and fastened on the collar she must wear when they went into town . Now she was under the stove , sulking about having to wear it . " Ohhhh , " she said thoughtfully , straightening and smoothing her skirt . She sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Timmy close to her . " I didn 't get to know Jeff very well in the few days he was here during the property transferral , but I heard very well what he said to you the day the Millers left . He gave Lassie with you for two reasons , one , because he knew it would be hard for a big dog like Lassie who 's used to running loose on a farm to be locked up alone in a city apartment most of the day . Look how she 's fretting right now , just over wearing her collar . " And second , Jeff cared about you very much . He knew you needed Lassie , and he was generous enough to leave her here with you , knowing it was the best thing for both of you . Jeff didn 't strike me at all as someone who would give someone a gift and then demand it back . So I don 't think you need worry at all . All right ? " Timmy spotted them first , however , as the crowd broke for a minute and he caught sight of a dark - haired woman in a smart hat and traveling outfit at the top step of the railroad car . " There she is , " he shouted , " there 's Aunt Ellen ! " For a second , he could see Jeff 's head , topped with his best hat , bobbing behind her , then they were lost again in the press of the crowd . " It 's all right , " Ruth soothed . " The train 's stopped and Lassie 's large enough that she won 't be hurt . Here , let 's try to move a little closer . " " Jeff ! " the smaller boy caroled and ran into his arms . Jeff tried to heft him up , but this was not the thin little waif the Millers had discovered hiding in their barn six months earlier . " Jeez , Timmy , I can 't even lift you . What have you been eating , rocks ? " " Mostly age , " Ruth said with a smile . " The school board finds they can 't make it draft - proof in winter any longer . In the spring they 'll build a new schoolhouse a little bit closer to the crossroads . " Jeff laughed . " Yep , he sent me a note . It said , ' Jeff , I moved . Please write ! ' Then the big lunk forgot to include his new address ! " " Mom and I are still talking about if one of us can go visit during Christmas vacation . You know Mr . Brockway he always says he can 't spare any money , but really , neither can Mom . 've got some money put aside from working on Saturday . . . " " What 's so strange about that ? You remember I had that job at Doc Weaver 's over the summer . This one 's at a veterinarian 's office , too . Doc Weaver wrote me a recommendation . I clean out the cages and walk the dogs that are boarding and give them a bath when they need it . When summer comes I 'm gonna get a work permit and work full time . " As they approached the farm , Paul needed to steer around two small boys walking at the side of the road . Jeff was surprised to see Timmy glance out the window , then shrink in his seat until he was out of sight . Lassie shoved her nose into the little boy 's hand , and Timmy whispered , " Go ' way , Lassie . " " Oh , those are the Richards , " Ruth chatted . " I met Mrs . Richards at the grocery when I was picking up all the things for Thanksgiving . They just moved in this week . Gracious , can you imagine the fuss , moving right before a holiday ? They 're from Illinois . They have a daughter oh , and a little boy your age , Timmy . e 'll be starting school on Monday . is name is Scott . " For the next few hours , the Millers were busy unpacking . Ruth had placed Jeff into the downstairs bedroom where Uncle Petrie slept and Ellen had the spare room upstairs . She had smiled as Jeff put her suitcases up . " I 'll feel very safe here . . . this is where Dad used to sleep . " Jeff had to smile about it , too . The room Timmy now slept in had been his and the room he 'd be using had been Timmy 's when he first came to the farm . " Funny how things are sometimes , " he told Timmy as he unpacked . Jeff began to laugh . " It 's not homework really . I have a project due right before Christmas and I thought I 'd get ahead on some of the reading . It 's a report on Herman Melville he wrote a famous book called Moby - Dick about a sea captain hunting a big white whale . ome of it 's real exciting . ut I brought some of his short stories , too , in that anthology . " " She is not ! " Timmy defended hotly , then bit his lip and looked embarrassed . " I don 't have to do a . . . project or anything , " he said offhandedly . " When we go back to school on Monday , everyone 's gotta get up and say what they were thankful for on Thanksgiving . " There were indeed " cookies in it " for the boys and after they 'd helped a little while in the kitchen , they ran out with cookies crammed into their jeans ' pockets and played catch . Timmy had wanted to play in the yard , but when one of his pitches went wide and nearly hit the screen door , Jeff took him closer to the edge of the woods . They played catch and Lassie fielded balls until they all were tired and collapsed under a tree to munch on their cookies . " I thought I recognized one of ' em , " added Jeff casually . " The bigger one , with the dark hair . His name 's Rudy , isn 't it ? He started coming to school last year and used to push around all the little kids . Porky and Spike and I caught him taking Linda Barker 's lunch away from her . He didn 't do it again after we got done with him . " Now he leaned forward and his voice was angry . " Is that little twerp stealing your lunch , too ? " Jeff was disappointed . " No , you don 't have to say anything , if you don 't want to . " He checked his watch . " Looks like it 's time for supper . We 'd better go . " After supper , Ellen and Jeff accompanied the Martins to the Grange Hall . The Calverton community always had a food drive the evening before Thanksgiving , preparing baskets for the less - fortunate families and lone elderly farm folk in the area . This gave the Millers the opportunity to talk to old friends , including Doc Weaver and Jenny , and it was a happy reunion . The only thorn in the gathering was the blustering of one big farmer who Jeff recognized as Marv Cummings . His farm was on the other side of town , but his son the boy Jeff had recognized as one of Timmy 's tormenters went to the Calverton school , so he and his family were considered part of the community . H s wife , a tired - looking woman , was nevertheless briskly helping with the baskets while Marv stood outside and smoked with some of the other farmers , while roughly directing his son to do this and that to help his mother . Timmy , in fact , was more fascinated by the fact that Aunt Ellen 's time , when she wasn 't helping pack baskets , were being taken up by a tall dark - haired man . Finally , along with Lassie , who hadn 't left his side , he made his way back to Jeff , who was standing in a far corner talking with Spike , who , despite the name , was a tall , fair - haired girl wearing a white blouse and a plaid jumper , her hair in braids . She was attending high school in Creston and they were comparing teachers . Jeff looked up unconcernedly from the tart apple he was munching . " Oh , that 's Clay Horton . He used to be the constable here in Calverton before Sheriff Billings took over . He 's back here for the holidays , too , like us . He 's been taking law enforcement classes so he can get a job on the Capitol City police force . He and Mom have been seeing each other when he can make the time . " The older boy grinned . " Well , I call it going on a date , but Mom keeps saying she 's too old for that . She says I should call it ' keeping company . ' " " I dunno . They don 't talk about it . " Jeff looked over at his mother . Her eyes were sparkling as she talked to the man . " Although the way she looks . . . " And then he grinned . " Maybe . " " Stepfather , " Jeff corrected . " So what ? " Timmy looked so overwhelmed that he squatted down . " Look , a couple of years ago , Clay took Mom dancing . Or he tried to . Gramps and I got really hot under the collar about someone daring to take Mom out and I told Lassie to hide in the car and be their chaperone . Lassie ruined their whole night . Boy , Mom let us both have an earful about that ! But then she made me understand that even if she did like Clay , it didn 't mean she loved me any less . " He shrugged . " And he 's kinda cool . A couple of Sundays he took me fishing and we 've gone to a couple of ballgames together . He 's a nice guy , and besides , Mom 's got a right to be happy as much as anybody . " He gave Timmy a covert grin . " He 's sure a lot nicer than that old Marv Cummings . You know , I sure don 't envy Rudy , having him for a dad . " Timmy looked at him , startled , and Jeff gestured at the rear entrance . " C ' mon , let 's go outside . " Timmy and Lassie followed him out the back door of the Grange Hall . The light at the rear barely illuminated the leafless maples and oaks that edged the property . Jeff rolled his eyes at Woody and his girlfriend , kissing in the corner , and they glared at him , then vanished as Jeff settled on the uneven boulder just beyond the back door . " You know what I think ? " Jeff confided , and Timmy came closer to him , wide - eyed . " I don 't know about this Don kid he 's not here , I guess ? but I bet I know what 's wrong with Rudy . I think he 's jealous of you . " " Yeah , sure . Look how his dad talks to him and his mom , like they 're hired hands or something . I bet he sees how Mr . and Mrs . Martin fuss over you and wishes his dad was like that . " Jeff petted Lassie . " I bet his dad won 't even let him have a dog . I heard what Mr . Cummings muttered to Lem Boots when we came in . Something about ' that mangy dog goes everywhere with the Martins like she did with the Millers . ' Of course , that isn 't any reason why Rudy should pick on you . But I bet that 's why he does it . " " Well , you 're not as old as me . When you get my age , you 'll be able to see stuff like that , " Jeff said a bit pompously , as if his fourteen years made him some sort of sage . " It sounds like they 're finished with the baskets and putting out the refreshments . Wanna go back in ? " Ruth stretched in bed , turning over to look at the clock . It was 6 a . m . and she really needed to be up , but right at the moment she was too warm and comfortable to care . Paul 's bed was empty ; he was probably already looking after the stock . He 'd insisted on the twin beds when they 'd decided to buy the farm , saying her work would be hard enough without having to wake up when he did . She had to admit it worked . In a few minutes she heard familiar thumps from downstairs . That had to be Timmy ; he couldn 't go into his closet without knocking around something , no matter how tidy she kept it . Then , even with the boys being all the way downstairs , she heard Jeff 's " Shhhhh ! You 're gonna wake ' em ! " and laughed . After dinner they 'd had a surprise : three long - distance telephone calls ! First her mother had phoned , and despite the expense , had asked to speak to both Paul and Timmy . She 'd already sent Timmy 's Christmas presents , safely put away in the attic for now , and was still talking about coming to visit her new grandson for Christmas . The third had been a surprise for Jeff : ever tight with his money , Matt Brockway had allowed Porky to call his buddy to wish him a happy Thanksgiving . He 'd given his son ten minutes and for the last three of them , Jeff could hear his pal 's father calling out the time remaining in the background . Ever - voluble Porky had to hang up in the middle of a sentence . The boys helped Paul with the evening chores and they spent the Thanksgiving night listening to the radio and popping corn . Timmy had looked happier than they 'd seen him in weeks , and he 'd had even a better time the next day when Jeff took him along as he visited old haunts . She didn 't know their entire itinerary , but she 'd gathered at supper last night that they 'd visited Diane and Woody , gone into Calverton to check out the new general store opened by Ed Washburne , and visited the Baldwins , the family who had bought Jeff 's colt Domino after the farm was sold . Domino was now broken to saddle and Timmy had come home bragging about his horseback ride . There was a second thump downstairs , this fainter , and she sat up , then laughed . The boys had been talking about what they were going to do last night , and she suddenly remembered they had planned a hike , so they were probably in the kitchen packing their lunches " We don 't want to bother either of you , " Jeff had pointed out to his mother and Ruth . here were they going now ? that was right , past the lake and up to the old mine that had once been Jeff and Porky 's " cave . " T e back of the old mine , near the treacherous shafts , had been boarded up long ago by Gramps , and Timmy had Jeff and Lassie to keep him safe , so , unworried , she smiled drowsily , reset the alarm clock for seven , and went back to sleep . " Porky and I sure used to like coming up here , " Jeff said chattily as the boys rounded the edge of the lake . It was cold , and the boys were bundled in their heaviest jackets , Timmy with his earmuff cap on , although Jeff had stuffed his own hat in his pocket with teenage bravado . Lassie , energized by the cold air and the presence of an old friend , was bouncing between them , happily alternating between nudging under Timmy 's hand and romping close to Jeff . " We took all sorts of nature hikes , too . Got pretty good marks for our projects , too . " " Now that 's not true , " Jeff objected . " There 's plenty of stuff going on in the winter if you 're sharp enough to look for it . Now , look there see what looks like a big old pile of brush out there on the shore ? " " That 's a muskrat 's nest . They 're probably started hibernating by now , but sometimes they 'll come out of their dens for food . If you watch around the nest , you can probably see their footprints . " Now , at their left , they approached a big fallen tree . It was an old elm which had collapsed from the concave bank of the shore and extended some feet into into the lake , like a bridge that had collapsed into water . Jeff climbed next to the leafless and rotting tree and peered about its roots . " Oh , yeah , " Timmy observed , noting the strong roots ripped from the loose , fragmented soil . Jeff jumped down then and continued on the walk , Lassie frolicking at his side . Timmy watched them wistfully for a moment , then noticed his sneaker was untied and bent down to tie it . His fingers still fumbled at the task , and it took him a laborious few minutes to make the bow . As he did so , a big grub came crawling over the toe of the shoe and once he finished the bow , he watched it with interest as the insect finished its climb over the strange soft " rock " and scurried toward the tree roots . Timmy , absorbed , followed its progress as it wandered about the rotting leaves and soil . Then it disappeared under the leaves . When Timmy finally straightened up , he discovered Jeff and Lassie were nowhere in sight . For a moment a slight thrill of fear ran up his spine , then he shrugged . He knew perfectly well where they were going ; they had just headed up the trail that led toward the old cave , just there on the other side of the tree . And they were certainly in earshot . All he had to do was call and Lassie would come running back . Eyes wide , Timmy wheeled . Behind him , also in clad in winter jackets defiantly opened to the cold air , were Rudy and Don . Rudy added scornfully , " What are you doing all alone out here , reject ? " Timmy retorted , " I 'm not a reject . And I 'm with Jeff Miller and Lassie . They just got ahead of me while I was tying my shoe . " " Oh , yeah , old Jeff and his mother , " Rudy mocked . " Yeah , we saw ' em at the Grange on Wednesday . What 's high - and - mighty big shot Jeffery Miller doing hanging around with a little reject like you ? " Timmy 's face was scarlet and to his embarrassment he felt his eyes start to fill . To fight his urge to cry he responded , " I 'm not a reject . My mom and dad picked me out of all the other kids they could have adopted . And Aunt Ellen wanted to adopt me , too , but the Child Welfare said they wanted me to have a mom and a dad . " " I didn 't say I wouldn 't do it , " the little boy flared . " I said it was stupid . You don 't have to be brave to walk on some stupid old tree . " Timmy looked down the length of the trunk and gulped . It was really a very wide elm , having been old and large , and if he was careful , there was little chance he would fall . But still the part of the trunk that dipped into the water looked very far away . His jaw set , Timmy began to walk down the log , setting one sneakered foot carefully before the other , his arms outstretched only partially to keep his balance . His teeth pressed on his lower lip as he concentrated . The surface of the tree trunk seemed a bit springy , but he thought it was because he was frightened that it seemed to give a bit under his feet . Slowly , calming as he approached his goal without mishap , he walked the wide trunk , stepping over broken branches , until he reached the water , and then carefully , carefully , squatted down to touch the surface . Unfortunately he hadn 't been imagining that the tree was giving beneath his feet . Erosion , as Jeff had pointed out , had made the tree fall , and erosion was still at work on the lakeshore . Even Timmy 's slight weight was finally too much for the barely clinging roots . As the leafless oaks and maples and the evergreens and those tangled brown vines remaining from summer enveloped him , Jeff felt as if he 'd traveled back in time . Overhead a cardinal was scolding in a tree ; he could see the bright flash of red feathers , and he could hear the far - off chatter of a squirrel . The years fell away and he was eleven years old again , off to meet Porky . The inclined trail would level again and he 'd follow it to the cave . They 'd light the old oil lamp that Gramps had allowed them to have and pretend to be pirates or treasure hunters , and Lassie would . . . " But you expected him to , didn 't you ? " retorted the older boy furiously as he pulled off his boots and jacket . " Hold on , Timmy , I 'm coming to get you . Lassie 's almost there . Don 't grab her around the neck ! Just hold on to her ruff ! " A second later he had knifed into the lake , gasping as his body struck cold water . He gave himself only a moment to react before he began swimming strongly toward the splashing boy and the collie approaching her . He was halfway to his goal when Lassie reached Timmy and seized his collar in her teeth , describing a circle around him and then towed him back toward shore . Timmy blindly clutched at her neck , but he was already too chilled to grip properly . Minutes later Jeff had reached him and had hooked one arm around the little boy , using the other to propel himself to shore . Jeff snatched up his jacket , yanked Timmy 's soaked one off , and placed the dry garment around his shoulders . Then he grabbed the matches from Rudy . " You supposed to be fooling with these ? " " Your dad 's wrong , " retorted the older boy , " but you were right to gather the wood . It was a good idea . Can you guys get some more ? " The tinder the boys had gathered was very dry from several weeks of no rain and in a few minutes Jeff had a good fire going and had pulled Timmy close by , rubbing his hands and feet . Rudy and Don surprisingly did what they were asked and the large fire was soon throwing heat on the shivering swimmers . Lassie had shaken herself off twice and now was laying close to Timmy , her damp chin on his knee . Rudy took off his jacket and offered it to Timmy so Jeff could put his own , now chilled inside from Timmy 's wet body but at least warmer and some shelter from the wind , back on . " It was sorta our fault , " said Don , but Rudy looked down at his sneakers , then admitted , " It was our fault . We dared him to walk out to the end of the tree and back . He made it , too , and was coming back . Then the tree went sideways and he fell . " " I guess that 's up to Mr . Martin , " Jeff interrupted , but not as coldly as he 'd been planning to . " Now you guys help me put out this fire so I can take Timmy home . If you 're smart you 'll go home and own up before your folks find out from someone else . " Ruth put her face down against Timmy 's almost dry hair , her eyes filled with tears . The two boys were seated in front of the open door of the oven , their feet in basins of hot water , wrapped in blankets that had been heated before the parlor heater . Ellen was standing sideways by the stove , stirring a pot of warming soup , while Paul was pacing up and down , his fists clenched . " But I took the dare , Dad , " Timmy confessed . " It was my fault . I should have just walked after Jeff . Besides . . . " and he hid his face in the blanket . " Yeah . " Timmy looked into his father 's eyes . " You didn 't see how scared Rudy looked when Jeff said he was going to tell his father . " Paul sat down then , his eyes dark as he stared at the table . " You know , Jim Teal and I and a few other members of the Grange had a talk about Marv a few weeks ago . Jim went there to deliver some goats ' cheese to Mrs . Cummings the day before and had caught Marv whipping Rudy . He thought Marv was being way too hard on a little boy . And then there was the way he behaved at the Grange the other night . " He paused , then added , looking up , " Maybe Jim and I need to have a talk with Marv . Make him understand we don 't tolerate that kind of thing here in Calverton . Maybe it will bring him to his senses . " Ellen had , as they talked , been pouring the now warm beef broth into mugs . Now she handed one to each boy . " There , that 's nice and warm . Drink it down and then you have to get into bed with a hot water bottle . " " Jeff and the boys got the fire built so quickly , I think so . Keeping them warm like this and the soup ought to help . Maybe they 'll get a cold , that 's all . " " Moby - Dick , " Jeff corrected , trying to stifle a laugh . " Oh , gee , thanks , Timmy . Homework when I 'm sick ! " he retorted with feigned resentment , then did laugh . " How about your ' homework ' project ? " |
It has been said that the sins of the father shall be revisited on his children . One man 's sins can have a ripple effect that can expand to at least four generations . This is why I have chosen to make a constant conscious decision to " break the cycle " . ( Dave Simmons seminar and books ) . This is not easy . It requires a daily commitment to not repeat the mistakes made by my father . I have chosen to follow the example of my heavenly Father ( through His Word ) . In my own family , I have chosen to follow God 's example by being 1 ) Slow to anger , 2 ) Gracious , 3 ) Compassionate and 4 ) Abounding in Love . As a husband , I have chosen to honor my wife and lift her up daily , to God , clean and unblemished . To love her unconditionally , and completely and to remain faithful to her only . To be a " One Woman Man " . I have burned my ships , and continue to burn my ships daily . Semper Fidelis . As a father , I have chosen to love my children and to raise them up in the teachings of the Lord " that they may never part from it " . One of the greatest gifts I received from God when I was very young was the earthly example in my stepfather . I will consider myself a success as a Dad if , as the song says , I can be " half the man he didn 't have to be " . As a servant of the Most High God , as a man of God , I would like to be remembered , like David , as a man who sought after God 's own heart . I desire to serve only Him and to live my life in a manner that would bring glory to Him on a daily basis . What I do for a living doesn 't matter . How much money I make doesn 't matter . The size of my house doesn 't matter . It all takes a back seat to Christ . I desire to be , like James and John , a Son of Thunder . I have decided to make as much noise as I can for the cause of Christ . That everyone I meet will be exposed to the saving grace of Jesus Christ . I desire that when people meet me , they will have met Christ . Because I am a child of the King , made in His image , when people meet me , I want them to recognize Him , before they recognize me . By diPosted by Y ' all have kids ? Kids are great , aren 't they ? They can provide so much entertainment , just by being themselves . One day , several years ago , after all the Saturday morning chores were done , I sat down on the couch near an open window , to read the morning paper . I could hear my 7 year old little girl out on the back patio playing with one of her friends . Well , they weren 't actually playing as much as they were just talking . From the conversation I overheard , I assume they were playing " pretend " . The reason I assumed they were playing " pretend " is because that 's all they talked about ! " Pretend I am a beautiful princess and pretend you are a mean old witch and pretend you poisoned me and pretend I died and pretend I came back to life and pretend you didn 't know it and pretend I …… " This went on for what seemed like all morning ! I remember thinking to myself " Holy Crap ! Play already ! " I mean , when we were kids , we all played " pretend " . Right ? But no one ever actually used the word " Pretend " . We played Cowboys and Indians , or Cops and Robbers or some other type of thing . But we just did it ! " I 'm the good guy ! " " You 're the bad guy ! " " Bang ! Bang ! " " I shot you ! " " No you didn 't . You missed me by a mile ! " ( He was lying . I really did get him ) . You found a stick and it became your gun , or your sword or whatever . And we played . But these two girls ? They never actually got around to " playing " . They just sat there talking about it ! Good grief , if I had recorded the entire ordeal , we would have a script for a daytime soap to last at least a week ! I just don 't understand where that stuff comes from . Certainly not from me ! That same year , my daughter 's mother and I had been married for 16 years . So , on our anniversary I took her out to a nice romantic dinner , real table cloths , cloth napkins , the waiter wore a tie , we went dancing and had a wonderful romantic evening . We had arranged for the kids to stay at the grandparents house , so when we got home that night , we got ready for bed , she slid in under the sheets , snuggled up real close , and with a soft sweet voice , said , Kids really make you think , don 't they ? Things change over time but I guess we dads just don 't notice it . For instance , when your kids are small , you are their hero . No matter what , those kids love spending time with " Daddy " . Up until about the age of 10 , you are Daddy . During those junior high years , you somehow become just " Dad " . Halfway through high school you hear them tell their friends " Hey , gotta go . There 's my ride . " ( So now I 'm just their ride ? ) I sure do miss those days of being called " Daddy " . You know what I 've noticed ? You just can 't say the word " Daddy " without the sound of love in your voice . Maybe that 's why the Bible refers to God , our Heavenly Father , as " Abba " . Abba means " Daddy " . And that 's how God wants us to be when we speak to Him . Even Jesus referred to God as " Daddy " . The Bible says we are to be child - like in our faith , so when we talk to God , it is okay to call Him " Daddy " . After all , who else can you trust more than Daddy ? Daddy is there to protect you , comfort you and take care of you . In your greatest time of need , you can always count on Daddy . I enjoy spending time with my " Abba , Daddy " . Blessings . . . . That Chick Over There from Jason . For the Love of God surprised me with this today . . That is so cool ! Thanks Chick ! Here 's what she had to say about me on her blog … . . 1 ) Alpha Dude at The World Observed by Me . I have no idea how this Dude found my website , but I 'm very glad he did . Probably he was searching for the word God , because he loves God and Jesus and stuff . But anyway , I 'm very glad he did find me because I love to read his website . He 's lived a really amazing life and he and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways . The good ways , not the freaky psycho ways that I tend to bring to the party . Does she Rock the Party , or what ? I 'm not sure how I found her site either , but I 'm sure glad I did . She has a way of telling things that really make you think as well as laugh until it hurts . A visit to Chick 's site is always worth the trip . In accepting this award , I get to choose 5 blogs that I would also like to present this award to . Choosing the 5 isn 't easy since all of the amazing people on my blogroll ( I think that 's what you call those friends listed on my sidebar ) are folks who make me think . Each one in a different way , but they 're all awesome , which is why they are there . So , after much thought , my 5 five nominees are listed below , in no particular order . If you don 't see your name there , please do not be offended , this hasn 't been easy ( it required way too much thought ) . 1 ) Dr . John Linna of Dr . John 's Fortress . This guy is a good man who is always trying to help people out . He has a great sense of humor and has a thought provoking saying to share every day . I enjoy each visit to Pigeon Falls . 2 ) Gerbil at There 's a Penguin on the Telly . This gal can take normal every day happenings and present it in such a way that leaves you laughing , feeling her feelings or just sitting there saying , " Huh ? " . Always a pleasant visit . 3 ) Terri at My4Kids . Terri and her husband Kelly are raising four kids in the Pacific Northwest and are getting ready to move to Alaska ! She tells it like it is and seemPosted by My grandfather told me that the smart guy learns from watching others . So here 's some of what I 've learned from the men 's ministries I 've been involved in through the years . . . . . . . . . . . Why is it , that , when someone is married to someone who is very good - looking , and nice , do they still find themselves with the urge to explore a relationship with someone else ? Sometimes this just doesn 't make sense . I mean , a guy who is successful , has a gorgeous , loving wife at home who takes good care of him and the kids and the home , still searches the internet for someone else willing for meaningless sex ? Why would he do that ? ( another question is why would some woman subject herself to a man like that . But that 's something we 'll explore later ) . The answer , I believe , is quite simple . Most times , when people stray , the person ( s ) they stray with are somewhat less appealing than their spouses . You see , people who stray aren 't looking for something better , they 're just looking for " something " . Anything , actually . There is something missing at home that they are not getting . We get busy with our lives , fall into a rut with our day to day activities , and we tend to forget those little things that used to be so incredibly important to us . Intimacy . Now , I 'm not talking about sex here , although that does contribute heavily at times . Remember when you used to go for walks together ? Spend time together doing nothing , just talking ? Or maybe even just hanging out together , whatever it took to just be near each other , with those occasional loving glances you used to give each other , then smile and blush and you just knew there was someone nearby that loves you more than anything . What happened ? Where did that go ? Those romantic times become fewer and fewer , and those moments seem to happen less often until one day , you realize that you are now only living with someone you just feel " comfortable " with . You drift further and further apart . Well , guess what ? People still need that intimacy ! We all still need that closeness , thatPosted by Hi , I 'm Alpha Dude , but you can just call me … . . uh , well actually , you can call me anything you want . With the people from our church , and there 's a lot of them , I hear the name " Alpha Dude " quite a lot . " Look Mom , there 's Alpha Dude ! " " Hey , Alpha Dude ! " " Dude ! " " … AAAlphaaaaa Duuuuuude ! " Sometimes this is kind of cool , but you see , Alpha Dude isn 't a real person . He 's just a character I play . I " become " Alpha Dude every Monday night at 7 : 30 . There 's a big round area at the end of the corridor of our children 's wing . The kids ( Alpha Sprouts ) all gather there , and once everyone is settled in , they begin chanting " Alpha Dude ! Alpha Dude ! Alpha Dude ! . . . . . . . " until Alpha Dude comes bounding in , greets all the Sprouts and launches into today 's lesson . Well , last night , the lesson for me , just as much as , if not more than , for the kids . Last night 's lesson was " How does God Guide Us ? " I had made the mistake recently of taking my " job " for granted . I show up , read over the script / lesson plan , do the lesson with the kids , a few high fives and I 'm outta there . The last couple of lessons hadn 't gone too well . At least that 's how it felt to me . The kids seemed distracted and I was left wondering if they were getting anything out of it . The director thought that maybe we just have a difficult group of kids this time . I wasn 't too sure about that . In reading through the lesson plan for last night 's bit , I discovered ( or did the Holy Spirit reveal to me ? ) that I had been forgetting the most important part of what I do . I forgot to pray . Ouch . I had been doing this all by myself and was not allowing God to do His thing , through me . I allowed " me " to get in God 's way . I immediately hit my knees , and asked God to forgive me . I thanked Him for allowing me the opportunity and privilege to touch these children 's lives for Him . I asked Him that the kids would not recognize me so much as they would clearly see Him . Because God is what this is all about . Not some goofy guy in Posted by Before you read this , please understand that statements and thoughts made pertaining to particular situations are my own . Everyone has their own reasons for what they do and why they do it . I am not condemning anyone for believing differently . I mean no offense to anyone . It was a Friday afternoon , and no one else was at home . My work schedule was such that , every Friday , most of us went home at noon . So I was the only one home . The kids were at school , and I have no idea where my wife was . Gone , somewhere , as usual . She managed to keep herself quite busy . At least , she didn 't have time for me , that 's for sure . Perhaps this was one of the reasons for what I was feeling that day . So , I just sat there , on the edge of my bed in my bedroom . Holding that . 380 in my hand . The clip held 5 rounds , and it was full . I knew I 'd only need one , and would only be able to use just the one . But the clip was full anyway . It just seemed like the thing to do . I held it in my hand , and while resting my elbows on my knees , pressed the barrel just under my chin . One shot , that 's all it would take . I thought how convenient it was that all I had to use was that . 380 . Just enough to do the job , without the messiness of a larger caliber . The . 380 was given to me by my older brother several years ago , right after our house had been broken into . He thought we could use the protection . I 'd never owned a firearm before . Didn 't need one . With my extensive martial arts training , I didn 't have much use for one . Until now . As I sat there , holding the gun , playing with it and pressing it to my skin , I thought how easy it would be , to just be rid of all the feelings , pains and heartaches , and the crap of the world . Just one little " pop " , and I 'd be face to face with Jesus . That thought appealed to me . Then I started thinking about the people I knew of who had dealt with their own problems this very same way . I reminded myself how I felt about what they did . My feelings had always been that suicide was the coward 's way out . It meant you are weak , not strong enough to see things through and work it out . Well , you know something ? That just isn 't me . I also thought about my family . Is this how I want my children to find me ? Is this how I want them to remember me ? No , I don 't . I decided I wanted to see my son grow into a man , and step out into the world as an adult , and to be there to assist him when , or if , he needs help . I had been singing with the church choir for several years , sang on the worship teams , too . I had often thought about how much I would love to sing at my daughter 's wedding someday . " Butterfly Kisses " was our song . I would love to sing that for her on her special day . How could I possibly miss that ? There was so much to look forward to , but so much to run from . And I was running . My marriage was ending . I knew that . I had seen it coming for several years . I just didn 't know exactly when it would happen . I had done all I could think of to make it work . I tried everything . I read every book I could find on marriage and fatherhood , books by Gary Smalley , Tim LaHaye , Josh McDowell , Dave Simmons , Bill Hybels , Steve Farrar , etc . I went to seminars , meetings , bible studies , anything to learn how to become a better husband and father . I actually applied all that I had learned . I learned and I grew , and I changed , I felt , for the better . My desire was to be the man God wanted me to be . For my kids and for my wife . I felt no love for my wife . I hadn 't for a long time . I tried , but it was getting harder and harder to do all the time . She had done enough over the years to squelch any feelings for her I may have had years ago . But that 's another story . The bible doesn 't say I have to be in love with my wife , just that I am to treat her in a loving way . I did that . I tried as hard as I could to love her , but it is difficult when the one you are trying so hard to love , refuses to receive it from you ( by the way - that last statement has nothing to do with sex ) . I used to bring her flowers for no reason , and hide notes and cards for her all around the house . It wasn 't enough for her , nothing worked . It was somewhat disheartening to come home and find those flowers and cards in the trash can , on the same day I gave them to her . She refused to acknowledge me or my accomplishments , or my efforts . She refused to offer me even the slightest bit of affirmation . She had no respect for me what - so - ever . ( She actually told me that ) . She continuously talked me down to family and friends , whether I was around , or not . There was no pleasing her . Her actions and words told me that I couldn 't do anything well enough for her , that I did not matter to her and that I didn 't make enough money for her . She basically just didn 't like me at all . True or not - that 's how she made me feel . So , I was wantinThen I also realized - I am none of those things she was making me out to be . I 'm better than that . Besides , she isn 't worth killing myself over . In any sense of the word . Like I said , I knew the marriage would end soon . I just didn 't yet know the details . My own wife refused to talk to me or spend any time with me . She had actually told me that she and the kids would be better off if I wasn 't around at all . So I started spending more time playing golf , working out at the gym , and nurturing friendships from work and church . I had survived a gun - shot wound to the face back in 1982 , and my pastor had told me that God must have a major plan for my life . Still sitting there , gun in hand , I thought about what that pastor had said . Did God have something special in store for me ? If so , I 'd never find out what it is if I pull that trigger . Besides , I had worked way too hard on myself to just throw it all away now . So I put the gun back in a box and hid it in the garage . I put it in a place where no one ( especially the kids ) could find it or reach it . My wife finally divorced me . She said she thought it would be a good idea if we lived apart for awhile and asked me to move out . So I did , and she had me served on that very day . Remember - she had said she refused to get an attorney , and refused to be the one to file for a divorce . I guess I was just slow learner when it comes to her . Close friends that knew her well told me she had been planning it for a long time . She just needed an excuse . She accused me of having an affair , threw me out of the house , and filed for divorce . There was no room for discussion . Her mind was already made up . There was no affair . I started eating right , working out , losing weight , trying to make myself more appealing to my wife . I changed my outlook on life and trusted God more and decided to have a positive attitude about things . As a result , I became a much happier person . Losing 40 pounds in 4 months helped too . But none of that mattered . Because I lost so much weight in such a short period of time and seemed happy all the time , I was accused of doing drugs and running around . None of which was true . My ex - wife just needed an excuse and she now had all she needed . She even concocted some rather horrendous stories to back up her claims . People ( who should know better ) actually believed her outrageous lies . Throughout the entire marriage my family , my parents mostly , couldn 't understand why I stayed married to such a person for so long . The answer is simply that the Bible gives us strict guidelines for marriage and divorce . So for " better or for worse " , I was sticking to it . My mother often told of how she could have handled raising 10 more kids like me , saying I was the good kid and was so easy to raise ( I can only imagine how this made my brother and sister feel ) . Both of my parents had even said that I was the only one of us kids that could be fully trusted . It was always like that ( if you want the truth about anything , just ask Alpha Dude ) . They had even gone so far as to let it be known that they did not trust my children 's mother at all . " She 's sneaky and dishonest " , my mother would say . But all that was about to change . In her trial brief presented at the divorce hearing , I finally learned what my now ex - wife had been telling everyone . This woman had , by this time , run up a debt in excess of $ 125 , 000 ( using credit she acquired in my name without me knowing about it ) , sold my horse and kept the money ( they used to hang people for that , didn 't they ? ) , emptied our savings account ( and accused me of stealing it ) and told scores of other untruths and fabrications . Her trial brief was 9 pages long and each page contained stories of things that she herself had actually done , but was now blaming me for each one . The really weird part ? The courts and my own family believed her ! They bought into all of it ! I had presented the judge with a stack of documented proof of the truth . The court wouldn 't even look at it . Apparently , in California , they believe the mother / wife and turn against the father / husband . If you 're the guy , you are automatically considered guilty . All I could do was just sit there , wide - eyed and dumbfounded . I just couldn 't believe this was happening . 14And this is not all that is meaningless in our world . In this life , good people are often treated as though they were wicked , and wicked people are often treated as though they were good . This is so meaningless ! 15So I recommend having fun , because there is nothing better for people to do in this world than to eat , drink , and enjoy life . That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them . Eventually , work opportunities took me to the mid - west . I accepted the job since my parents had turned against me by this time . I could not speak to them about anything without some sort of jab from them and they 've said some rather horrible and hurtful things to me about things they really don 't know about . Remember all those years of building such an awesome relationship with my step - dad ? Gone . The relationships and trust I had with my entire family had been completely destroyed . I also wasn 't allowed the visitation the courts gave me . My children 's mother ignored the court order and the authorities didn 't seem to care . I figured I could fly out to see them every month or two , since that 's all their mother would allow anyway . Yeah , I was wrong about that too . Now she 's moved to a different house with my daughter , never told me about the move , and refuses to tell me where they now live . She also interferes and prevents phone calls with my daughter as much as possible . There is no reason for this ! Some may say that I still lost everything . My ex - wife took it all . The house , the furniture , the money ( she emptied our savings and ran up credit debt in excess of $ 125 , 000 ) , and the kids ( that is the hardest part ) . I was lucky to escape wearing my own skin . My credit score went to crap ! And you know something ? God is still on the throne . He is the One who is in control of my life . The perfect woman is out there somewhere ( perfect for me , anyway ) , and God knows who she is , and He knows where she is . So I believe the smart thing for me to do is to get as close to God as I can , and when He is ready He will reveal to me who she is . Until then , I will wait on His perfect timing . Is it worth it to have everything stripped away , to be punished and condemned for something you didn 't do ? Yes , it is . Because God 's blessing is waiting for you at the end . ( If you have trouble believing that , just look what Jesus did for us at the cross ) . In case you are wondering , this is where we left off in Progressing through the Fog . Another excerpt from my book " Nice Guys Finish Last - and that 's okay " . While I was living in Oregon , I lived rather cheaply and made decent money . A good job , the great outdoors , and most of my family was nearby . I courted a young lady in New Mexico , via letters and long distance phone calls . My phone bill was outrageous . But I didn 't mind , I was " in love " . My head was stuck in the clouds and nothing else mattered . I was tired of being alone , ready to get married and that 's all I could think of . Other things , like dating and getting to know someone and her family first didn 't seem to matter . Honestly , I didn 't even think about it . I had spent the last couple of years reading books and studying about what the Bible had to say about being a good husband , and I was ready to try it all out . So when that young lady came to Oregon for a visit , I popped the question and she said " okay " . ( She didn 't get excited , she didn 't yell , or jump up and down , she didn 't even say " yes " , she just said " Okay " ) . There were plenty of red flags after that day warning me not to marry this girl , but I ignored them . My mind was made up . Now , please don 't get me wrong , I 'm not complaining , pointing fingers or making excuses , I 'm just telling it like it is ( or was ) . The wedding was somewhat disappointing . During the planning stages for the wedding , we discussed exactly how everything would be , we made planning decisions together . However , when the day arrived , not one thing we had agreed upon was done . She had changed her mind and had done things the way she wanted and didn 't give a thought what anyone else desired . I guess that should be okay , since , after all , it was her day . The rest of the marriage went pretty much the same way though . She did what she wanted and never considered my feelings or needs . None of that mattered to her , she was going to have her way and that 's all there was to it . This isn 't merely the Posted by Carl came from a modest family . Really nice people , hard - working , honest - good down - to - earth type folks . Carl is a civil engineer and his dad ( Papa Art ) is a civil engineer , as is his two younger brothers . I guess the old fart had more of an influence on me than I realized . When I was younger , I was involved in Scouts . I earned every badge and award you could possibly get in Cub Scouts and Webelos . After Carl 's job moved us to Colorado , I tried Boy Scouts for a while , I was doing well , but the Scoutmaster moved away and the new guy seemed boring and I lost interest . Carl took it upon himself to teach me the things I normally would have learned in the Boy Scouts . He earned his Eagle Scout rank at the age of 14 , so he knew what he was doing . Carl would take me hiking and camping and tried to teach me about nature and plants and all he knew about surviving in the great outdoors . We 'd go backpacking in the Colorado Rocky Mountains , camp out under the stars ( or in the snow ) and climb mountains . He tried to get me interested in climbing mountains , but I 'd usually wimp out or get sick ( that altitude really got to me ) . Sometimes I felt like I was letting him down , after all , once my brother left , I was the only " son " he had . That first year or two that I went along to climb mountains with him , I never did make it all the way to the top of one . I felt I was just slowing him down and ruining the trip for him . He didn 't seem to mind too much , and you 'd think he would give up on me after a while , but he never did . He kept right on trying . It wasn 't all wasted time for him I suppose . Now that I look back on it , I think it meant more to him that someone was willing to go with him and spend the time with him , than actually make it to the top of the mountain . I did learn to clean a fish , cook breakfast over a campfire , pitch a tent and tie a variety of knots . He taught me how build a good campfire too . He also taught me how make fire using only two sticks of wood . Of course , at least one of those two sticks was a match ! By this time I was calling Carl " Dad " . It just seemed natural . I didn 't forget my father , I just didn 't think about him as much as I used to . Sometimes I would wonder how he was doing or what he was up to , or if I ever crossed his mind , but for the most part , I didn 't give it much thought . Alaska is a long way from Colorado . By the time I was 15 , I actually made it to the top of a mountain . We climbed Chimney Rock in Colorado along with my friend Johnny and a guy Carl worked with named Taylor . Taylor was an electrical engineer , kind of weird but fun . Taylor liked to fish and believed that grass - hoppers make the best bait . One year Taylor said he 'd give me 10 cents for every grass - hopper I could catch for him . Well , we had a vegetable garden in our back yard and I filled a large trash bag with big , fat grass - hoppers . There had to be more than a hundred of them in there . Taylor paid up but that was the last time he paid 10 cents a piece for grass - hoppers . Johnny was my age and just about my size . We were best buddies through junior high and most of high school . We were on the wrestling team together , went to church together and got into trouble together . Johnny 's family was ranchers and farmers . Good , clean , honest , hard - working people with strong Christian values . Sometimes I thought they looked like a Norman Rockwell painting . We were quite a pair , Johnny and me . He was a real Colorado Cowboy , and I was a " hippie " from southern California . ( I had long hair and wore bell - bottom jeans and Johnny looked like the all American cowboy ) . Carl also taught me how to drive . The car was a 1969 Datsun 510 station wagon , the ugliest green color you could imagine . Not the coolest car around , but it 's all we had at the time . I learned to drive a stick shift , in the Colorado mountains , in the snow ! That was a lot of fun . Okay , so it wasn 't all that much fun in the beginning . Driving a car for the first time on a one lane mountain road through the mud and snow and muck while dad is asking you to describe the scenery to him can really wear on your nerves . " Always know where you are and what 's around you . Keep an eye out for the other guy " . See Dad ? I remembered ! When it was my turn , my son thought I was a nag , too ! Carl even tried to teach me how to play golf . That was a really fun day . Carl is a pretty decent golfer ( he should be , he played every Sunday while the rest of us went to church ) . However , on this particular day , he didn 't play so well . Maybe it was the pressure of trying to look good in front of your kid . He had previously paid for golf lessons , so I had learned how to hold the club and swing properly and hit the ball , but this was our first outing to actually " play " . On one particular shot , he was going to " show me how it 's done " . The ball was in the fairway and there was a tree in front of us off to the right , and a water hazard ( pond ) off to our left . He hit that ball hard and it zipped along the top of the grass , ricocheted off the tree and flew through the air into the pond . Yep , this is the man who took the time to teach me about life . He tried his best and I think , for the most part , that everything turned out okay . He worked long , hard hours to climb the ladder of success and advance himself throughout the industry . It would have been nice to have him around more , and not have had to work so much , but he did what he had to do , and what he felt was the proper thing to do at the time . He was advancing in his career and building a better quality of life for his family ( us ) . I didn 't understand it at the time , so I did not appreciate what he was doing , but I understand now and greatly appreciate all that he did for us , and for me . Thanks , Dad . Tough GuyYeah , that old fart was always there for me . Even though he worked too much , he was always there for the times that meant the most . Carl ( my Dad ) was at every wrestling match to watch me , win or lose , he was still proud . Every cross - country meet I ran in , Dad was there . He was at every check - point , every turn . Each time I looked up , he was there , cheering me on and encouraging me , and provided information regarding where I was and who was behind me or in front of me . The cross - country course was three miles , but there were times I thought that old man worked harder than I did around those courses . My Dad taught me how to properly spit and clear your nose while running ( it 's gross so I won 't describe it to you ) . Dad even found the time to help me with my homework . Math and science and physics homework usually . ( After reading and spelling and cross - word puzzles , Mom gave up and sent me to Dad ) . Dad was really patient with me , even though I could see him getting frustrated and angry at the times I just wouldn 't " get it " . It was easy for him , he 's an engineer who made it through four years at the University of Washington on an academic scholarship , and then got his Master 's degree from Stanford , on academic scholarship ! Me ? I sometimes had trouble remembering my own name ! ( Once , when I was a little kid , I came home from school and told my mother " Gee mom , it sure is a good thing you named me Alpha Dude . " " Oh really ? And why is that ? " " Because that 's what everyone calls me ! " ) One of the things I admired most about my Dad was that he did not try to teach me to think like him . He just encouraged me to think ! Not HOW to think , or WHAT to think , but to just THINK ! " Think for yourself " . " Figure it out " . " Use your head for something other than a hat rack " . And here 's the big one - " You can do it , you just don 't know it yet " . Dad is one tough guy . I had never seen him cry or get emotional about anything . Even at my wedding , he offered congratulations and encouraging words , but he was steadfast and solid . When I finished college , the only one of the kids to get a college degree , and the only one to actually try it , Dad was proud , but remained strong . But I did get to see him shed a tear , and get choked up with pride for the first time - the day my son , his grandson ( the first grandchild in the family ) , was born . That little boy turned that hard old man into mush . Dad loved playing with his grandson , and showing him things and talking to him . You see , Dad didn 't get this time with me , so he was living this time through his grandson . Those two had a great time together . He got to teach my son how to climb trees , pet bumble bees without getting stung , which plants to stay away from and how to pee in the woods ( or at least outside , behind a tree ) . My Dad , hard , sturdy , concrete , no emotions - had a soft spot and it took his first grandchild to find it . That old man has never been the same since . Now , I 'm not saying that Dad wasn 't loving and kind and nurturing , but now he began to show it more than he ever used to . Something worth noting : Often times you 'll see me write about the Power of Dad . Every Dad has it , whether he realizes it or not . Some dads are aware of it but most are not . This Power of Dad has an amazing effect on your children , and it does not matter if you 're a good dad or a bad dad . The Power of Dad can be used in a good way or a bad way . It is up to the Dad . Carl didn 't come by this power naturally . He had to earn it . The one thing so awesome and so overwhelming and amazing that most father 's take for granted , Carl took great care to make sure he did it right in case it ever became his . It took me about four hours to get home from work tonight . No , it wasn 't snowing and there was no traffic . I left my office tonight and made the block long walk to our parking lot so I could get in my pick - up truck and go home . I got in my truck , put the key in , turned it , and the truck wouldn 't start . This didn 't make any sense . In all of 8 years I 've had this truck ( original owner ) it has never given me any problems . I take good care of my truck , so much in fact , that it still looks and runs like new . Except right now . I tried it again . The battery has power , the engine turned over , but it would not catch . The engine just wouldn 't start . I tried a couple more times to make sure it isn 't the battery , it isn 't the starter , the spark plugs and wires are fairly new . Why won 't my truck start ? I got out to check under the hood . A fellow who said he was a mechanic offered to help and he couldn 't find anything wrong . After a while we determined it had to be the fuel pump . It just wasn 't powering on . If gas won 't pump to the engine , the engine just won 't run . Great . Now what do I do ? It is after 7PM and it 's a good guess most all the repair shops are closed by now . First , I called my wife to ask her to come pick me up . She didn 't answer her phone . It turns out that something was going on with the cell signal and she never got the call . I kept getting her voice mail . Where is she ? , I thought . Just when I need her , she doesn 't answer . I was starting to get annoyed , to say the least . I tried the house phone and got no answer there either . While I was talking to the answering machine , my wife picked up . Okay , now she 's on the way to come get me . She seemed somewhat calm about everything , thinking of this as a chance to have dinner downtown . I also wasn 't very nice to her . I was allowing myself to become annoyed by my situation and I did not speak to my wife in a loving or kind manner . ( Shame on me ) I called some friends to see if they would know who I could call to get my truck fixed . I 've livPosted by A very dear friend phoned me up the other night . It was one of those times where a guy just needed someone to talk to , someone who would just listen and not try to solve the problem . Just Listen . We were on the phone for about an hour and a half , and he told me lots of things in confidence , so I won 't go into any details ( sorry , but I don 't do gossip ) . The questions he kept asking over and over were , " Why am I here ? " " What is God 's plan for me ? " " What am I supposed to be doing ? " " Why has God abandoned me ? " " Why do I feel so alone ? " He already knew the answer to each question and I knew that , so I stayed silent and just listened . He didn 't need someone to tell him anything really insightful , quote scripture to him , say something spiritual or clever . He just needed a friend . God certainly does work in mysterious ways . The most recurring questions , " Why has God abandoned me ? " " Why do I feel so alone ? " made me think of a dream I once had . For some reason , this dream has been coming to mind quite a bit these last couple of weeks . Maybe this is why . Have you ever had one of those dreams where you can remember everything in vivid detail ? One of those dreams that really speaks to you and you remember it for years to come ? Yeah , I had one of those dreams . I shared it with my friend before we hung up , and I 'd like to share it with you . I experienced this dream during a very trying period in my life where I too , felt alone and abandoned by God . I had just about lost all hope . The Dream It was dark . I mean really dark . There was no sky , no landscape , no ground , nothing . I was standing there in the middle of complete " nothingness " . As I was standing there , I saw some images beginning to form and move towards me . As they came into view , I observed the most horrible looking pointy - eared creatures I 've ever seen , before or since . These beings were quite large and had black leathery skin , all sinewy and greasy and slimy . Their eyes were shaped like that of a snake and were bright yellow with dark pupils . Their nostrils were round and snorted puffs of yellowish sulfur - like smoke . Their teeth were long and pointed and their brows were furrowed , showing just how angry and menacing these creatures were and are . They had bat - like wings , partially unfurled as they steadily moved towards me . Their hands and feet were claw - like and their fingers were long with long , pointed nails making those hands and feet appear more like talons you may find on a vulture . These things were demons from the pits of hell and they were coming after me . I was standing in the middle of nothing . I wanted to run but had no direction in which to turn . All I could think of to do was to pray . I asked God what I should do . Just then I realized I was holding my wooden practice sword , called a boken . A boken is a Japanese practice sword . It is made from hard wood and is the same size , shape and weight of an actual samurai sword . Standing there , holding that boken , I heard a voice . This wasn 't that booming , thunderous voice of God you read about in the Bible . It was a reassuring sounding male voice , full of compassion and love , yet at the same time , it spoke with authority . Now , I have had extensive martial arts training and even a wooden practice sword in the hands of someone like me can prove quite deadly . But about this time I noticed those demons draw their own swords . Shhhhinnnggggg ! The mere sound of those swords being pulled from their belts was frightening ! Their swords looked like blackened steel and appeared to be on fire ! As they drew closer , they seemed to grow in number . I can 't begin to say how many there were . They seemed to be everywhere ! Snorting yellow sulfurous smoke and spewing venomous foul language at me and cursing the name of my Savior . These guys were really angry , to say the least ! I muttered " okay " under my breath and I raised my sword as I took my most defensive stance . As the demons approached my " stick " became alive with a brilliant light like you 'd see from a white hot fire . As the enemy attacked , I defended myself . I blocked , parried , twirled my sword , jabbed , spun , sliced …… the fight was on . Sparks flew as our swords collided . Each time my sword struck one of those demons , that ugly creature vanished in a " poof " of smoke . It didn 't take long before I realized - I was holding my own for now , but I was overwhelmingly outnumbered . I used every ounce of strength , training and skill I had . The battle was spectacular . But how long could I hold out ? There were so many of them ! Soon , I noticed that the number of demons was dwindling . There just wasn 't as many as there had been before . I looked around me and I was absolutely amazed at what I saw . I was surrounded by the biggest , most beautiful heavenly warriors you could imagine . These guys were GQ handsome with large muscles , bronzed skin , golden hair , fiery eyes and were wearing white robes with gold sashes around their waists . Their strong sturdy hands held swords that shone as bright as the sun . They had joined in the fight and the demons were clearly no match for the angel 's strength and skill and power . As the battle neared it 's end , the voice spoke to me again . In December of 1982 , I took a bullet to the face just outside Washington DC . You can read how it happened in my previous post . For some strange reason , I never felt any pain until the doctor shoved that needle down between the bone to knumb me up before wiring my jaw shut for two months . By the way , Liquid Codine is Awesome ! And now , the saga continues . . . . . . Something happened as a result of that incident . I began to forget things . I had been accepted to attend the University of Maryland in College Park , Maryland . I lived in the dorm there . It was an interesting experience and I met some decent folks , but I had a lot of trouble with my classes . I had to take a pre - calculus class since the credit from the junior college did not transfer . It was the same class though , and I looked forward to getting an " A " since I had gotten an " A " in this class less than a year ago , easily . However , I had the most difficult time in that class - I tried as hard as I could to do the work , but I just couldn 't do it . It was as if I 'd forgotten how to do the math . The same thing happened in my Chemistry class . I finished the semester with a " D " average . I was really getting frustrated . I even got lost driving home a few times . I used to enjoy taking the back roads through Potomac , Maryland . A rather scenic and beautiful drive , but I could no longer find my way and had to resort to the main roads in order to find my way home . And even then I had a tough time finding my way . Parts of my life were missing . That bullet must have hit me harder than I thought , because some of my life from my time growing up in Colorado was gone . I had no more memory of certain events and some close friends . Portions of my senior year of high school in Maryland were gone too . That bowling championship ? Gone . I still have the trophies and awards and some photos , but the memory of that time and those friends are gone . I spent the next six years or so in a fog . I had trouble focusing and it was difficult to concentrate on anything for very long . I wPosted by I had taken a semester off from school to go to work in an effort to try to determine what I wanted to do with my life . I worked for a small electronics company in Rockville . On the morning of December 9 , 1982 , around 6 : 50 AM , I was just getting to work and pulled into the parking lot just across the street from the office . About halfway across the parking lot , I heard an explosion and before I could turn to see where it came from , some unseen force slammed my head into the driver 's side window . For some reason , I had stepped on the clutch and the brake and stopped the car . There were no seat belt laws at this time and I certainly wasn 't wearing mine . I pulled myself off of the door and looked out the passenger side window . Most of it was gone . A huge hole had been blown out of it and I was covered in glass particles from that window . I was also covered in blood . Mine ! I had just been shot ! In the face ! It was about that time I noticed I could not feel my lower jaw . With all the blood and debris inside the car , my first thought was that my jaw had been blown off . I slowly reached my hand up to my face , not sure of what I would find , and felt my jaw . It was still there . There was , however , a good sized hole in the right side of my face . I was still bleeding pretty badly so I put pressure on the wound with my right hand . Thoughts were spinning through my head . I had just been shot - in the face . I was still in one piece , as far as I could tell , so I got out of the car to see if I could find who had done this . About as quickly as I got out of the car , I jumped back in because it began rolling backwards . I had forgotten to put it in gear or set the brake . I went ahead and parked the car and headed across the street to where I worked . I figured I needed to get to a hospital and I couldn 't drive a stick ( the same car in which my Dad taught me how to drive ) and keep my hand on my face , so I went looking for someone to drive me there . Prior to being shot , the street was busy with activity , lots of cars whizzing by , but now , the area was dark and deserted . I recognized a Vietnamese woman from one of the assembly lines from work and I asked her if she could help me . As I stepped under the street light , where she could see me , a look of terror came over her face and she ran off muttering something I didn 't understand . Wow , I knew I probably looked bad , but I didn 't think I looked THAT bad ! Even the secretary freaked out and ran off when she saw me enter the building . It turned out she ran to get help and find a towel for my face . The pressure from just my hand wasn 't doing much to stop the bleeding . One of the guys from work volunteered to drive me to the only hospital he knew in the area - clear on the opposite side of the beltway on the other side of Washington D . C . - instead of the one just a few miles down the road ( nearby ) . When we arrived at the hospital , I walked into the ER and the admitting nurse , upon seeing me , got up from behind the counter , and left ! Boy , this really wasn 't my day ! It turned out that she had just gone to get some help . After filling out the forms and before the doctor arrived , I got a chance to go into the men 's room and try to clean up a little bit . I finally got a look at myself in the large mirror in there . I looked like I had been through a war . I was soaked to the skin in my own blood , through my down vest , flannel shirt and t - shirt . Even my white tennis - shoes were now bright red . I was a sight . No wonder that lady ran off ! While waiting for the doctor , a male nurse came in and started taking my blood pressure and all that stuff they do when you go to the ER . We sat at a small table with him directly across from me . He pulled out a thermometer and tried to take my temperature . I told him I wasn 't sick , that I had just been shot and needed to see the doctor . He said it was standard procedure and that I couldn 't see the doctor until we finished up here . I stood up and informed him , in no uncertain terms , that I had just been shot in the head and that I was still kicking and to get me a doctor . . . NOW ! ( I was getting a little impatient by this time ) . He got up and left and the doctor came in almost right away . The secretary from work , bless her heart , called my mother to tell her what happened , but had no idea which hospital I went to . I didn 't know either . After several phone calls , she finally tracked me down and drove out there . By the time she arrived , the doctor was stitching up the hole in my face , while a police officer stood on the other side of me asking questions . It was then that I learned that at least three other people were shot at in the same area around that same time that morning . I was the only one that got hit . ( Lucky me ) . The doctor had also told me the bullet had come really close to the nerve in my face , which explained why I couldn 't feel my jaw right away . I had also lost a lot of blood . They took some x - rays of my jaw , told me I was fine and sent me home . My mother drove me back to work where I got in my car and drove it home . The embarrassing part ? After going through all that , after having a bullet blow a hole in my face , all I got were three stitches covered with a single , normal sized band - aid . I guess I expected a large bandage with lots of tape or something . Instead , I looked as though I had merely cut myself shaving ! I know that sounds silly , but I had lost a lot of blood by this time . A few days later , I went to see my oral surgeon to get the x - rays taken in preparation for getting my wisdom teeth out in a couple of weeks . After looking at the x - rays , he walked in and asked me if I knew that my jaw was broken . I had no idea ! I knew it hurt like crazy whenever I tried to eat , but I didn 't know it was broken ! The people at the hospital said I was okay ! I ended up having my jaw wired shut for the next two months ! Needless to say I was on a liquid diet for a while . So much for Friday night pizza with the guys . Through it all , I never once found myself angry with whoever did this to me . I only wanted them found so I could ask them why they did it . The person ( s ) responsible were never found . Nevertheless , I forgave them , and tried my best to put that day behind me . I forgave them . I didn 't even know who it was I forgave , but the Bible said to do that , so I did . Even though I spent the six to eight years in a fog , I never once felt any anger towards whoever did that to me . ( I couldn 't think straight , I couldn 't remember things , old friends now seemed like strangers to me . Part of my life was missing ) . Jesus is the number one priority in my life , and without Him I wouldn 't be where I am , doing what I 'm doing , and I try very hard to give Him the Glory in everything I do . It 's hard sometimes , though , to be thankful for everything He 's blessed me with . Life is too short to sit around and whine and complain about how hard things are . When it comes right down to it . . . EVERYONE has a hard life . You 're not alone in your pain so don 't act like it . It comes down to three " L 's " : Live for Jesus , Love everyone , Let it all out . Don 't take the little things in life for granted . |
This was originally a part of a longer article about storytelling in the Kindergarten , but I wanted to re - post just this bit in honor of my real Aunt Maribelle who passed away today in Sterling , Colorado . I had another child who was having a terrible time at nap . Uh , I don 't have that right . She was actually having a WONDERFUL time at nap , dancing around the kindergarten , making noises and generally being such a distraction that no one could rest . I wasn 't in the classroom during nap time but I would often come down and see this little girl sitting in the front office with our secretary , next door to the kindergarten , because she had been so mischievous . Somehow , I had to find a way to turn this around . She was learning very well how to be mischievous but nothing at all about how to rest . So , the next time I came down and saw her in the office , I picked her up and put her on my lap and told her this story : " When I was growing up , we used to visit our cousin on the farm and the first thing we did when we arrived on the farm was look for the cats . We knew that there would be at least one cat that had kittens . My cousin always knew just where the kittens would be found and soon we would each be happily cradling a kitten on our laps . Then we would wrap them up in our sweaters ( and here I wrapped my sweater around the child ) and carry them quietly into the house and play with them in my cousins bedroom . And we had to keep them very quiet because Aunt Maribelle didn 't allow kittens in the house at all and if she caught us , she would be angry with us and she might even make us scrub the kitchen floor . So we would put the kittens on our laps and pet their tummies till they fell asleep . Most of the time they would fall asleep but sometimes a kitten wouldn 't want to sleep and it would meow very loudly ! Then Aunt Maribelle would come and we would have to take the kittens outside again . And then we 'd have to scrub the kitchen floor . " I then cradled the little girl and carried her back into the classroom and put heHomework Report Card 1918 In 1918 , my grandmother was a teacher in a one room school house . Some years ago , I was given this copy of a homework report card from her class . I was thrilled to see there are no academic tasks on this report , instead the tasks are the chores a child was expected to do or help do at home . I wish schools today would emphasize this type of homework rather than the attempt to continue the school day into the child 's precious family time . This is it , the best day of the year . What child doesn 't get excited when the last day of school comes and it 's time for summer vacation ? The heavens have opened their gates and the angels are blowing trumpets , banging on drums , and dancing ecstatically . All the children are smiling and laughing and getting ready to burst out the door and be free at last , free at last , thank God already , we 're free at last . For three whole months ( or thereabouts ) they don 't have to think about school . . . unless one of their parents is a teacher . I can 't count the number of times I dragged my kids to the school in the summer , roping them into helping me prepare my classroom . We first learned about the Waldorf school before our children were born . One of Chris ' coworkers had two nieces who attended the Denver Waldorf School and loved it . Their proud aunt gave a brochure to my husband . The curriculum from kindergarten through 8th grade was there for us to see , and we fell in love at first sight . It might surprise people to know it was the stories , the lore which progresses from nature stories to fairy tales , fables , legends , and myths , which drew us to the school in the beginning . We started at the Waldorf school before I even saw the knitted gnomes . We were determined . This was the school we wanted for our children . Our son 's first year of kindergarten was paid for , partly , with puppy money . Fortunately , our basset hound had a large litter . The second year , we sadly checked into other schools , as there were no more puppies to sell . However , after observing a kindergarten where the children were working in math and reading workbooks and studying for a spelling test , we gasped and decided quickly to go back to the Waldorf school , where we re - enrolled on faith . We couldn 't imagine sending out children to a kindergarten with no toys and no play time , inside or out . A week before school started , I got a call from one of the teachers . There was a need for an assistant teacher to help with nap time in one of the classes . Was I interested ? Amazingly , I jumped at the chance to be in charge of 17 squirrelly 3 to 6 year olds every afternoon . The job paid tuition , I made it through , and two years later , Alice Jordan called to ask if I would consider being her full time assistant . It was around this time , I realized I didn 't just want Waldorf education for my kids . I wanted it for myself . For nearly twenty years , I worked in the kindergarten program as an assistant teacher and a lead teacher . Our sons graduated from the Denver Waldorf High School and our oldest , John , received his Master 's degree in Waldorf education , coming back to the Denver school in the fall of 2007 to begin teaching English aTomorrow night marks a passage for us . Our youngest , Emma , will graduate from the Denver Waldorf High School . She has been at the school longer than any of her classmates , having gone back to work with me in the kindergarten when she was only two years old . Next year , for the first time in 26 years , I will not be driving in to the school every day . 26 years ! That long ago , things were different . Mr . Clark had hair . Mr . Baker taught gym as well as woodwork . Mrs . Hindes taught kindergarten . Dr . Blanning was in 7th grade , and Mrs . Cartwright was in 1st grade . There were a total of three telephones in the entire school building , all attached with cords , and no voice mail . Other things haven 't changed . The teachers were still playing jokes on each other . There were bumper sticker wars between Mr . Baker and one of the kindergarten teachers , who came out one day to find a sticker on her car , proclaiming her to be a " Party Animal " . The next day , Mr . Baker found one on his , saying , " Have a nice day " . There are all the obvious things to love about Waldorf education : the consistency of having the same class teacher for eight years , the integration of the arts into the entire curriculum , the natural materials , the creative lessons , the storytelling , learning with the head , heart , and hands , and the teachers who acknowledge that they see only one part of the student 's journey and what a priviledge it is to be a part of that journey . There is more , of course , and I could go on and on . What I really want to say is , thank you . Thank you to all the faculty who taught our children and encouraged and challenged me to be the best teacher and person I could be , the staff who challenged me to be more organized , and parents who also encouraged and challenged me through the years . And thank you to all the children . You have always been my best teachers . Though I still plan on teaching an art block or two in the high school , I will miss driving in to the school every day . The school has been more than a job for me . It has been my community , and an extension of my family . It 's time for a new adventure . What that will be , I don 't know yet . I hope to do some volunteer work , possibly at the Ronald McDonald House here in Denver . They 've done a lot for us . I 'd like to give back . There will certainly be more gnomes and felted animals , books , brooms , and puppets coming to life in my studio . If anyone wants to join me , you 're still welcome . Don 't worry about payment . Let me know how your kids are doing at the school . That 'll be payment enough ! Kindergarten Quotescollected by Terri Reinhart Good morning teacher . When 's lunch ? It 's okay , teacher . I 'm just sad . I have to cry for a minute but then I 'll be okay . Watch this , teacher ! Watch this , teacher ! Now … don 't … try this … at home ! You can 't call her a dude . She 's a girl . She 's a dude - ess . I 'll finish that later , teacher . I have an important job to do in space . That 's okay , teacher , you can do this when you 're younger . I made some cookies , teacher , do you want some ? Now you gotta eat ' em . I don 't like porridge . Can I just have some maple syrup ? When 's lunch ? My mom 's prettier than you are . I 'm stronger than you are . Watch how I can pull on my ears until they hurt ! I don 't suck my thumb , but I do scratch my head a lot . I 'm going to catch you and then I 'm going to eat you ! I 'm going to catch you and then I 'm going to eat you ! I 'm going to make princess stew ! When 's lunch ? I 'm sorry to have to tell you but I 'm not going to marry you . I 'm going to marry Sam . That 's okay , cause I 'm not going to marry you , either . Teacher , she 's being mean to me . She says she 's not going to marry me . When I grow up , I 'm going to marry my daddy . When I grow up , I 'm going to marry my dog . I am not Adrian . I am a mushroom . When 's lunch ? Only Jesus could tie his shoes when he was born . Only God can count to infinityGod says we have to love our enemiesSHUTUPORI ' LLKNOCKYOURHEADOFF . That 's impossible and if you don 't believe me , ask God . After I die and then I come back again and have a different mom and dad , will I still be a boy or will I maybe be a girl ? My mom 's going to get married and then she 's going to have a baby . I got a baby girl . She got out of my mom 's belly . Really ? My baby sister was hatched out four months ago ! When 's lunch ? I 'm going to hide under the table . Try to find me . I 'm not coming out , teacher , cause I 'm not in here . Don 't look , teacher . Ssshhh . . … teacher 's coming . You know , teacher , you shouldn 't really go over there , cause they 're not reallyComment I love to do crafts . I have been knitting since age 8 and making things ever since I can remember . Working with my hands is my therapy . If I don 't have at least 3 or 4 projects going on at once at home , my husband comes over to take my pulse . I 'm probably the only woman who has ever asked for 50 pounds of broomcorn as a birthday present . Why then , am I so cautious about how I bring craft work into the kindergarten ? In the early years of my teaching , I felt obligated to have a different little craft for the children to do every week . We made pouches out of felt , shooting stars with ribbons attached , dolls , and many other projects . Most of them were sewn . Every time we started a project I would carefully label each one with the child 's name so they wouldn 't get lost and I had a checklist so that I could make sure that every child had made their project . In time , this became such an exhausting process that I dreaded doing any crafts with the children ! It was too much . The children were not enjoying the crafts because it became almost like an assembly line . I learned that not every child needed to make every project . And this was okay . In time , the number of projects that every child would be expected to do was narrowed down to just the gifts that were made for parents for special times . During the rest of the year , we concentrated on the practical work that was needed for the class . As I have mentioned before , when we needed rugs for the classroom , we made them . The first rug I made for the kindergarten evolved from quite a different project . I was ambitious that year and for Easter , we made baskets with coiled rope that we covered with strips of cotton cloth . The baskets were lovely but they were also a huge amount of work and it wasn 't something that was easy for the children to do . After the baskets were made , we ended up with quite a lot of fabric left over . We had cut all the fabric into strips for the baskets and so the leftover fabric was in strips and rolled into balls . What to do with the extra cloth ? I crocheted a round rug - basically like crocheting a very large pot holder . The children watched and helped unroll the ball of fabric . And they were so excited to see the rug taking shape . I worked on this rug for the remainder of the school year and when it was done , it was put in the place of honor in front of the nature table . The children , during play time , would come and sit by the rug and point to the different fabrics , saying , " There 's my basket and Joey 's basket and Helen 's basket and Sophie 's basket , " etc . This was one project that belonged to the class and was " owned " by every child . By my last years of teaching , I had come to where I was doing several very distinct types of crafts . The individual gifts for children 's parents : Mother 's Day , Father 's Day , and Christmas were our big holiday gift giving times . I tried to choose projects that the children could do by themselves and the finished product would be purposeful and / or very beautiful . My favorite Mother 's Day and Father 's Day gifts were when we dyed silk scarves for the moms and painted bandana scarves for the dads . We had also made tie dyed t - shirts for the children as an end of year gift . On the last day of school , all the parents were invited for our end of year celebration . I asked all the moms and dads to wear their scarves for the day . The children were given their t - shirts , too , and we were a very colorful kindergarten ! In fact , a parent from another class told me that we looked like we were getting ready for a Grateful Dead concert ! It was a lot of fun , easy to do , and the scarves really looked beautiful ! Crafts for the children that were created by the entire class : These included the Easter / Spring baskets , lanterns for lantern walk , crowns for the Harvest Festival or the May Festival , and other crafts where each child would eventually have one of the finished products to take home with them . We made felted baskets for Easter one year . As they were felted over large plastic eggs and I only had a few of these large eggs , every basket was worked on by at least two children at once . It is safe to say that every child worked on every basket . Nobody " owned " their own basket - there were no names attached . But everyone had a basket to take home before the Easter holidays . In a similar way , we created our lanterns for the lantern walk . Every child who wanted to help with the process of making lanterns would come and help . Some children did not work on the lanterns but carefully watched as we made them . Others couldn 't get enough of this work . And I realized that was okay . Not everyone needed to do everything . And theA child came to school one day wearing a shirt that boldly proclaimed : " IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME ! " I think that as I saw this attitude become so accepted among the children and parents , it was this , more than anything else that convinced me to change the way I did the craft work . I wanted to challenge the notion that it is natural and desirable to have children think of themselves in this way . And I found that the children were never happier than when they were creating something to give away , whether it was a loaf of bread for the first grade or cookies for the firemen . They delighted in doing for others . I had the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend from school last weekend . I always jump at the chance to see people . I love to hear a little bit about their journeys in life . It 's interesting , though . Inevitably , we get to talking about other classmates and wonder what they might be doing now . As we looked back at our old friends or school mates , I realized that we were both looking at them as though they were exactly the same as they were thirty … some years ago . Well , maybe they 've gained weight or lost hair , but otherwise they were exactly the same in our minds . It was when we spoke of one classmate who is a friend of mine now that I suddenly realized what we were doing . " I remember he was always a little shit in school . " That was in elementary school . Wow . Were we really seeing these old friends as still having the maturity of a 12 year old ? I know I 've done this , without thinking . Who was the girl who was always too popular to speak to us lowly , ordinary students ? I wouldn 't want to run into her again , would I ? And I certainly would have no desire to find out anything about those nasty boys who loved to tease . They 're probably still doing the same stupid things they did then . I look at things differently now because , after nearly 20 years of teaching kindergarten , I have seen children grow and change throughout their years at school . Often the children with whom I struggled so much , turned out to be most amazing adults with loads of creative energy to give to the world . When I see these lovely adults , I look back and wonder why I ever worried about them . I always had my fair share of interesting children in my kindergarten . For some of them , sitting down and listening to a story was almost impossible . Others could be aggressive at times , taking out their frustrations on other children . Some had trouble just fitting in . On very rare occasions , we would have to make the decision to ask a family to leave the school , but only in very extreme cases . I always preferred to keep a child in my kindergarten , even if he or she was a " great challenge " . Why ? It would have made my teaching much easier if I could send off the most challenging children and not have to deal with them . It would make for a more peaceful classroom , one where the children would play more harmoniously . This is preferred , right ? We need to keep the children safe . We also need to be able to admit when a child has needs that our program cannot meet . It would be arrogant of us to say we could work successfully with every child . There are cases when families must be asked to find another setting for their child . However , that 's the extreme . Our world is made up of many different kinds of people and somehow , we need to learn how to interact with them . Our children need to learn this as well . As a teacher , I had the advantage of seeing the children interact with each other . Those teasing boys that I detested when I was young weren 't really picking on me . They just weren 't civilized yet . It takes awhile . But hey , most of us have become quite civilized by the time we reach 25 or 30 . Those " popular " girls who snubbed me ? Um , actually , if I look back honestly , I was probably the one doing the snubbing . When I was uncomfortable in a social situation , it was much easier to blame the other person . Realistically , it 's hard enough for adults to figure this one out . Children generally can 't see the situation clearly or express clearly and honestly what happens in social situations . When an adult asks them to describe social stuff , they often oblige by giving us a long description of something that may or may not have happened anywhere , except in their imagination . The classmate we were remembering last weekend has had a responsible , professional job for many years . He takes care of his family and took care of his parents when they were older . When I remember back to my students , I immediately think of those wonderful , challenging , quirky kids . One is now a musician , another is a dancer . There are mechanics in the group and mathematicians . I suspect that at least one of my former challenges will become a doctor , a lawyer , or a politician . They will bring their creativity along with them wherever they go . They were not easy students to have in class and they demanded of me , a degree of creativity and patience that I might not have known I possessed , had they not been there . They made me work harder than I wanted to at times but I am grateful to each one of them . They were my teachers . Coming around full circle , I find myself hoping I can reconnect with some of those classmates whom I found challenging . It 's been thirty … some years . I sure hope I 've changed ! Come into my story house Where in the kitchen lives a mouseWith twitching nose and listening ear , He sits behind the stove to hearWhile Grampa rocks in his rocking chairAnd Grandma sits knitting some socks to wear , Stories are visiting my little house . So , sshhh , don 't disturb my little mouse , But come into my story house . During my first year of teaching , I struggled to learn stories . I found it very difficult but also rewarding . Eventually , storytelling would become my favorite part of the teaching . But for the first year , I mainly told very simple fairy tales : Sweet Porridge , The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids , The Elves and the Shoemaker , and The Bremen Town Musicians . Most of these stories were stories that I had been familiar with from my own childhood . When I first starting learning longer stories and stories that were new to me , I would often write them out completely , copying them into a special notebook . It wasn 't that I was trying to memorize them word for word but I had found that by writing the stories out , I was bringing the learning into my own will forces . I have always learned easiest through my will , through doing . Later on , after I had told the stories over and over , I was able to remember the stories simply by reading them over once or twice and then picturing them as I told the story . This is a lovely way to learn a story by heart . I learned to tell stories through my heart and my hands - NOT through my head ! ! When I told a fairy tale , whether from the Grimm 's fairy tale collection or a fairy tale from another culture , I always told these stories for at least two weeks . Some of our more beloved stories would carry them three or even four weeks , though I rarely told a story for more than three weeks in a row ! The children seemed to love hearing the stories day after day and I loved to tell them over and over . Even when a child grumbled at the beginning ( " oh , it 's this one … . again . " ) , I would see them sitting on the edge of their chair , taking the story in as though they could never geComment The other day , I was sitting on the kindergarten playground and talking with one of my former colleagues . I enjoy visiting the kindergarten playground . It always reminds me that I am happily retired now and I 'm not responsible for watching the children . I don 't have to respond when a child starts to cry or goes over and bops another child . I don 't have to help change wet pants and no one has thrown up on me in over a year . I sat on a small kindergarten sized chair and watched the children play . Then little Matthew came up to me and asked me about my feet . Could I walk ? Why did I have those things on my legs ? Why did I need help standing up ? Why was I sitting in the chair that HE wanted to play with ? He had a seemingly endless number of questions . These are moments when I really do miss being with young children . They are so open . They don 't hedge around anything ; they just say it like it is . If they have a question , they ask . They don 't worry about whether it 's going to embarrass the other person , they just ask . And they do things , too . Whether it 's jumping off the swings , pouring sand down their pants , or letting their teacher know that , " My mom is lots prettier than you are , " they are adventurous , curious , and honest . Young children have very interesting points of view , too , and they are quite willing to talk about complex topics such as religion , death , and procreation . I have learned from kindergarten children that Jesus was the only person who knew how to tie his shoes when he was born . I also learned that only God can count to infinity . One child announced to us all that his baby sister " got hatched out just four months ago " . There are always those moments , too , that we call our " teaching opportunities " . Much more important , in my mind , than learning how to read or count , these are the moments when teachers are called on to be creative . A child gets angry and hurts another child , unintentionally . A parent in the class has a miscarriage or a grandparent dies . A new baby has arrived in another family . Rowdy play results in broken toys or torn play cloths . As a teacher , I often told stories at these moments . Stories are magical and healing and intensely comforting . I loved telling stories , even the very short ones that helped the children to settle down at the snack table . To tell a story to a child when there has been a death in their family or when a new baby arrived was a privilege that I took very seriously . I would talk with the parents first and often the parents would join us for this special story . We would even decorate a candle and light it before the story began . Every good teacher knows , however , that it is never just the students who are learning . In all my years in the kindergarten , I know that the children taught me far more than I ever taught them . And my visit to the kindergarten playground the other day was no exception ! Here little Matthew was asking questions , waiting for me to share my wisdom with him . I was ready . I figure I 'm old enough now to have vast stores of wisdom just waiting to be imparted to the younger generation . I told him that I wear braces on my legs because my feet often just forget which direction they are supposed to be pointing and then they make me walk funny . Matthew looked " That 's right , Mrs . Reinhart ! Just like this , just do it like this and you 'll be able to go anywhere you want ! " Long , long ago , but not so very long ago and far , far away , but not so very far away , there was a meadow . Through the meadow ran the sleepy blue river and in the middle of the meadow , right next to the sleepy blue river , was the Willow Tree . Underneath the Willow Tree , many flowers grew and the Willow Tree bent down her arms to shelter the flowers that grew under her . And in the middle of a patch of golden flowers , all shaped like golden stars , there was a little child who was sound asleep . She had been sleeping for a very long time and might be sleeping still , if it hadn 't been for the music that the child heard while she was sleeping . At first , it was such sleepy music that the child just turned over in her flower bed and slept on . The music brought dreams to the little child . In one of the dreams , the child saw flowers growing in a garden . There were so many flowers and they were so beautiful that the child wished she could live there . In another dream , the child saw a beautiful woman with kind and gentle eyes and a handsome man who was quiet and strong . They looked as though they were waiting for someone or something . Then the music changed again and became lively , like a dance ! Now the child could hear the music clearly and she woke up . She looked around and saw the Willow Tree and the sleepy blue river . And she saw , sitting quite close to her , an old man . He was playing a flute . And the music from the flute danced through the air and the notes landed softly upon the earth . Wherever a note landed , a beautiful flower grew . The child watched for some time and then she crept up to the old man and said , " Could you teach me how to make the flowers grow ? " " Yes , " said the old man , " for I am the gardener and that is why I am here . You are to work with me and learn how to take care of the flowers . " So the child went with the gardener and he taught her how to take care of the flowers . He showed her how to pull up the weeds and how to dig around each plant so that the sun and rain could come and nourish tBeing Mindful of the Present Moment ( This was written in February of 2006 as a parent letter to my kindergarten families . It was originally sent out in two parts . ) Lately , I 've been getting a number of articles sent to me that talk about the proliferation of marketing that targets young children , the lack of play time in our society , and our dependence on entertainment - television , movies , computers , and computer games . The world is changing so fast now that none of us can really and truly comprehend these changes . At my son 's college ( Beloit College in Wisconsin ) , Professor Art Robson comes up with the Freshman " Mindset List " each year , just to help the parents and faculty to realize how different our children 's lives are now from when we grew up . I thought it might be helpful for us to take a moment to realize just how dramatically the world has changed for our children , so I have attempted to create my own list : The children in our kindergarten were born in 1999 or later . They have never known life without a remote control . DVD players , VCR 's , Game boys , Computers , and Television are part of most households . They have never known life without the Internet ! A mouse is usually connected to a computer , not running around the kitchen . Many were born after 9 / 11 and so our country has always had a " patriot act " and has been fighting terrorism around the world . Airport security has always been very tight . George Bush has always been president . News is available on television round the clock . Children have play dates . Health food is bought at a special store , not grown . They have always known digital cameras and small video cameras . They have never known life without cell phones . Movies have always been available to be seen at home . It is almost expected that even young children go to the movie theater to see movies . What do you remember about when you were growing up ? I am 48 years old . I remember : Not having a television until I was 8 or 9 years old - then we had one channel - black and white . We played all day in the fields around ouA St . Nicholas Story " The Fiercest Little Animal in the Forest " is now available in book form through https : / / www . createspace . com / 3408785 and Amazon . Story by Terri Reinhart , Illustrated by Patrick Reinhart * * * * * * The fiercest animal in the forest was the pine marten . Every time another animal would come near to him , he would growl and snarl and snap at them . Then the animals would run away from him . If any people walked through the forest , he would hide in a bush and growl and snarl and snap at them as they went by . Then the people would walk a little faster to get away from the snarling and snapping beast . One day , the pine marten heard people coming . There were a lot of people coming right through his forest ! It was St . Nicholas and all his helpers . The pine marten hid in a bush close by the path . As the people came by , the he started to growl and snarl and snap his teeth . Some of the people closest to him began to walk faster . But one man stopped and looked down at the little pine marten . The pine marten suddenly was afraid and wanted to run away , but he found that he was caught in the brambles of the bush . St . Nicholas , for that is who had stopped to look at him , bent down and gently picked up the pine marten and put him in his pocket . The little fellow began to scrabble and scratch , but it was no use . pine _ marten _ small . jpg He was stuck in St . Nicholas ' pocket all through the journey across the forest and all the way to the sea . He stayed in St . Nicholas ' pocket when everyone boarded the ship and when they sailed all the way across the sea . When they finally arrived at the other shore , St . Nicholas ' helpers carried bags of food : flour , apples , nuts , and honey cakes . They went together to a town where the people were very poor and hungry . St . Nicholas and his helpers left food on each doorstep . Then St . Nicholas took the little pine marten out of his pocket . St . Nicholas looked closely at the pine marten , " No more growling , " said St . Nicholas , " no more snarling and no more snapping . I have work for you to do . " And he sent the pine marten in each house with coins to drop into the stockings that were hanging by the fire . The little pine marten worked very hard , carrying the coins in his mouth and slipping into the houses . He worked all night long and when morning came and he was finished with his work , he was very tired . He was happy to go back inside St . Nicholas ' pocket ! The little pine marten was so sleepy that he didn 't even know when they got back on their ship and sailed across the sea for home . He didn 't wake up , even when they came to the forest . But when they came quite close to where St . Nicholas had found him , St . Nicholas took him out of his pocket and told him that he could go free . But the little pine marten wanted to stay with St . Nicholas . And so , he went back into St . Nicholas ' pocket and continued on the journey to St . Nicholas ' home . From that time on , he lived in the woods close to St . Nicholas ' house . And whenever St . Nicholas needed his help , he was right there . Terri Reinhart 12 / 06 |
This was originally a part of a longer article about storytelling in the Kindergarten , but I wanted to re - post just this bit in honor of my real Aunt Maribelle who passed away today in Sterling , Colorado . I had another child who was having a terrible time at nap . Uh , I don 't have that right . She was actually having a WONDERFUL time at nap , dancing around the kindergarten , making noises and generally being such a distraction that no one could rest . I wasn 't in the classroom during nap time but I would often come down and see this little girl sitting in the front office with our secretary , next door to the kindergarten , because she had been so mischievous . Somehow , I had to find a way to turn this around . She was learning very well how to be mischievous but nothing at all about how to rest . So , the next time I came down and saw her in the office , I picked her up and put her on my lap and told her this story : " When I was growing up , we used to visit our cousin on the farm and the first thing we did when we arrived on the farm was look for the cats . We knew that there would be at least one cat that had kittens . My cousin always knew just where the kittens would be found and soon we would each be happily cradling a kitten on our laps . Then we would wrap them up in our sweaters ( and here I wrapped my sweater around the child ) and carry them quietly into the house and play with them in my cousins bedroom . And we had to keep them very quiet because Aunt Maribelle didn 't allow kittens in the house at all and if she caught us , she would be angry with us and she might even make us scrub the kitchen floor . So we would put the kittens on our laps and pet their tummies till they fell asleep . Most of the time they would fall asleep but sometimes a kitten wouldn 't want to sleep and it would meow very loudly ! Then Aunt Maribelle would come and we would have to take the kittens outside again . And then we 'd have to scrub the kitchen floor . " I then cradled the little girl and carried her back into the classroom and put heHomework Report Card 1918 In 1918 , my grandmother was a teacher in a one room school house . Some years ago , I was given this copy of a homework report card from her class . I was thrilled to see there are no academic tasks on this report , instead the tasks are the chores a child was expected to do or help do at home . I wish schools today would emphasize this type of homework rather than the attempt to continue the school day into the child 's precious family time . This is it , the best day of the year . What child doesn 't get excited when the last day of school comes and it 's time for summer vacation ? The heavens have opened their gates and the angels are blowing trumpets , banging on drums , and dancing ecstatically . All the children are smiling and laughing and getting ready to burst out the door and be free at last , free at last , thank God already , we 're free at last . For three whole months ( or thereabouts ) they don 't have to think about school . . . unless one of their parents is a teacher . I can 't count the number of times I dragged my kids to the school in the summer , roping them into helping me prepare my classroom . We first learned about the Waldorf school before our children were born . One of Chris ' coworkers had two nieces who attended the Denver Waldorf School and loved it . Their proud aunt gave a brochure to my husband . The curriculum from kindergarten through 8th grade was there for us to see , and we fell in love at first sight . It might surprise people to know it was the stories , the lore which progresses from nature stories to fairy tales , fables , legends , and myths , which drew us to the school in the beginning . We started at the Waldorf school before I even saw the knitted gnomes . We were determined . This was the school we wanted for our children . Our son 's first year of kindergarten was paid for , partly , with puppy money . Fortunately , our basset hound had a large litter . The second year , we sadly checked into other schools , as there were no more puppies to sell . However , after observing a kindergarten where the children were working in math and reading workbooks and studying for a spelling test , we gasped and decided quickly to go back to the Waldorf school , where we re - enrolled on faith . We couldn 't imagine sending out children to a kindergarten with no toys and no play time , inside or out . A week before school started , I got a call from one of the teachers . There was a need for an assistant teacher to help with nap time in one of the classes . Was I interested ? Amazingly , I jumped at the chance to be in charge of 17 squirrelly 3 to 6 year olds every afternoon . The job paid tuition , I made it through , and two years later , Alice Jordan called to ask if I would consider being her full time assistant . It was around this time , I realized I didn 't just want Waldorf education for my kids . I wanted it for myself . For nearly twenty years , I worked in the kindergarten program as an assistant teacher and a lead teacher . Our sons graduated from the Denver Waldorf High School and our oldest , John , received his Master 's degree in Waldorf education , coming back to the Denver school in the fall of 2007 to begin teaching English aTomorrow night marks a passage for us . Our youngest , Emma , will graduate from the Denver Waldorf High School . She has been at the school longer than any of her classmates , having gone back to work with me in the kindergarten when she was only two years old . Next year , for the first time in 26 years , I will not be driving in to the school every day . 26 years ! That long ago , things were different . Mr . Clark had hair . Mr . Baker taught gym as well as woodwork . Mrs . Hindes taught kindergarten . Dr . Blanning was in 7th grade , and Mrs . Cartwright was in 1st grade . There were a total of three telephones in the entire school building , all attached with cords , and no voice mail . Other things haven 't changed . The teachers were still playing jokes on each other . There were bumper sticker wars between Mr . Baker and one of the kindergarten teachers , who came out one day to find a sticker on her car , proclaiming her to be a " Party Animal " . The next day , Mr . Baker found one on his , saying , " Have a nice day " . There are all the obvious things to love about Waldorf education : the consistency of having the same class teacher for eight years , the integration of the arts into the entire curriculum , the natural materials , the creative lessons , the storytelling , learning with the head , heart , and hands , and the teachers who acknowledge that they see only one part of the student 's journey and what a priviledge it is to be a part of that journey . There is more , of course , and I could go on and on . What I really want to say is , thank you . Thank you to all the faculty who taught our children and encouraged and challenged me to be the best teacher and person I could be , the staff who challenged me to be more organized , and parents who also encouraged and challenged me through the years . And thank you to all the children . You have always been my best teachers . Though I still plan on teaching an art block or two in the high school , I will miss driving in to the school every day . The school has been more than a job for me . It has been my community , and an extension of my family . It 's time for a new adventure . What that will be , I don 't know yet . I hope to do some volunteer work , possibly at the Ronald McDonald House here in Denver . They 've done a lot for us . I 'd like to give back . There will certainly be more gnomes and felted animals , books , brooms , and puppets coming to life in my studio . If anyone wants to join me , you 're still welcome . Don 't worry about payment . Let me know how your kids are doing at the school . That 'll be payment enough ! Kindergarten Quotescollected by Terri Reinhart Good morning teacher . When 's lunch ? It 's okay , teacher . I 'm just sad . I have to cry for a minute but then I 'll be okay . Watch this , teacher ! Watch this , teacher ! Now … don 't … try this … at home ! You can 't call her a dude . She 's a girl . She 's a dude - ess . I 'll finish that later , teacher . I have an important job to do in space . That 's okay , teacher , you can do this when you 're younger . I made some cookies , teacher , do you want some ? Now you gotta eat ' em . I don 't like porridge . Can I just have some maple syrup ? When 's lunch ? My mom 's prettier than you are . I 'm stronger than you are . Watch how I can pull on my ears until they hurt ! I don 't suck my thumb , but I do scratch my head a lot . I 'm going to catch you and then I 'm going to eat you ! I 'm going to catch you and then I 'm going to eat you ! I 'm going to make princess stew ! When 's lunch ? I 'm sorry to have to tell you but I 'm not going to marry you . I 'm going to marry Sam . That 's okay , cause I 'm not going to marry you , either . Teacher , she 's being mean to me . She says she 's not going to marry me . When I grow up , I 'm going to marry my daddy . When I grow up , I 'm going to marry my dog . I am not Adrian . I am a mushroom . When 's lunch ? Only Jesus could tie his shoes when he was born . Only God can count to infinityGod says we have to love our enemiesSHUTUPORI ' LLKNOCKYOURHEADOFF . That 's impossible and if you don 't believe me , ask God . After I die and then I come back again and have a different mom and dad , will I still be a boy or will I maybe be a girl ? My mom 's going to get married and then she 's going to have a baby . I got a baby girl . She got out of my mom 's belly . Really ? My baby sister was hatched out four months ago ! When 's lunch ? I 'm going to hide under the table . Try to find me . I 'm not coming out , teacher , cause I 'm not in here . Don 't look , teacher . Ssshhh . . … teacher 's coming . You know , teacher , you shouldn 't really go over there , cause they 're not reallyComment I love to do crafts . I have been knitting since age 8 and making things ever since I can remember . Working with my hands is my therapy . If I don 't have at least 3 or 4 projects going on at once at home , my husband comes over to take my pulse . I 'm probably the only woman who has ever asked for 50 pounds of broomcorn as a birthday present . Why then , am I so cautious about how I bring craft work into the kindergarten ? In the early years of my teaching , I felt obligated to have a different little craft for the children to do every week . We made pouches out of felt , shooting stars with ribbons attached , dolls , and many other projects . Most of them were sewn . Every time we started a project I would carefully label each one with the child 's name so they wouldn 't get lost and I had a checklist so that I could make sure that every child had made their project . In time , this became such an exhausting process that I dreaded doing any crafts with the children ! It was too much . The children were not enjoying the crafts because it became almost like an assembly line . I learned that not every child needed to make every project . And this was okay . In time , the number of projects that every child would be expected to do was narrowed down to just the gifts that were made for parents for special times . During the rest of the year , we concentrated on the practical work that was needed for the class . As I have mentioned before , when we needed rugs for the classroom , we made them . The first rug I made for the kindergarten evolved from quite a different project . I was ambitious that year and for Easter , we made baskets with coiled rope that we covered with strips of cotton cloth . The baskets were lovely but they were also a huge amount of work and it wasn 't something that was easy for the children to do . After the baskets were made , we ended up with quite a lot of fabric left over . We had cut all the fabric into strips for the baskets and so the leftover fabric was in strips and rolled into balls . What to do with the extra cloth ? I crocheted a round rug - basically like crocheting a very large pot holder . The children watched and helped unroll the ball of fabric . And they were so excited to see the rug taking shape . I worked on this rug for the remainder of the school year and when it was done , it was put in the place of honor in front of the nature table . The children , during play time , would come and sit by the rug and point to the different fabrics , saying , " There 's my basket and Joey 's basket and Helen 's basket and Sophie 's basket , " etc . This was one project that belonged to the class and was " owned " by every child . By my last years of teaching , I had come to where I was doing several very distinct types of crafts . The individual gifts for children 's parents : Mother 's Day , Father 's Day , and Christmas were our big holiday gift giving times . I tried to choose projects that the children could do by themselves and the finished product would be purposeful and / or very beautiful . My favorite Mother 's Day and Father 's Day gifts were when we dyed silk scarves for the moms and painted bandana scarves for the dads . We had also made tie dyed t - shirts for the children as an end of year gift . On the last day of school , all the parents were invited for our end of year celebration . I asked all the moms and dads to wear their scarves for the day . The children were given their t - shirts , too , and we were a very colorful kindergarten ! In fact , a parent from another class told me that we looked like we were getting ready for a Grateful Dead concert ! It was a lot of fun , easy to do , and the scarves really looked beautiful ! Crafts for the children that were created by the entire class : These included the Easter / Spring baskets , lanterns for lantern walk , crowns for the Harvest Festival or the May Festival , and other crafts where each child would eventually have one of the finished products to take home with them . We made felted baskets for Easter one year . As they were felted over large plastic eggs and I only had a few of these large eggs , every basket was worked on by at least two children at once . It is safe to say that every child worked on every basket . Nobody " owned " their own basket - there were no names attached . But everyone had a basket to take home before the Easter holidays . In a similar way , we created our lanterns for the lantern walk . Every child who wanted to help with the process of making lanterns would come and help . Some children did not work on the lanterns but carefully watched as we made them . Others couldn 't get enough of this work . And I realized that was okay . Not everyone needed to do everything . And theA child came to school one day wearing a shirt that boldly proclaimed : " IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME ! " I think that as I saw this attitude become so accepted among the children and parents , it was this , more than anything else that convinced me to change the way I did the craft work . I wanted to challenge the notion that it is natural and desirable to have children think of themselves in this way . And I found that the children were never happier than when they were creating something to give away , whether it was a loaf of bread for the first grade or cookies for the firemen . They delighted in doing for others . I had the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend from school last weekend . I always jump at the chance to see people . I love to hear a little bit about their journeys in life . It 's interesting , though . Inevitably , we get to talking about other classmates and wonder what they might be doing now . As we looked back at our old friends or school mates , I realized that we were both looking at them as though they were exactly the same as they were thirty … some years ago . Well , maybe they 've gained weight or lost hair , but otherwise they were exactly the same in our minds . It was when we spoke of one classmate who is a friend of mine now that I suddenly realized what we were doing . " I remember he was always a little shit in school . " That was in elementary school . Wow . Were we really seeing these old friends as still having the maturity of a 12 year old ? I know I 've done this , without thinking . Who was the girl who was always too popular to speak to us lowly , ordinary students ? I wouldn 't want to run into her again , would I ? And I certainly would have no desire to find out anything about those nasty boys who loved to tease . They 're probably still doing the same stupid things they did then . I look at things differently now because , after nearly 20 years of teaching kindergarten , I have seen children grow and change throughout their years at school . Often the children with whom I struggled so much , turned out to be most amazing adults with loads of creative energy to give to the world . When I see these lovely adults , I look back and wonder why I ever worried about them . I always had my fair share of interesting children in my kindergarten . For some of them , sitting down and listening to a story was almost impossible . Others could be aggressive at times , taking out their frustrations on other children . Some had trouble just fitting in . On very rare occasions , we would have to make the decision to ask a family to leave the school , but only in very extreme cases . I always preferred to keep a child in my kindergarten , even if he or she was a " great challenge " . Why ? It would have made my teaching much easier if I could send off the most challenging children and not have to deal with them . It would make for a more peaceful classroom , one where the children would play more harmoniously . This is preferred , right ? We need to keep the children safe . We also need to be able to admit when a child has needs that our program cannot meet . It would be arrogant of us to say we could work successfully with every child . There are cases when families must be asked to find another setting for their child . However , that 's the extreme . Our world is made up of many different kinds of people and somehow , we need to learn how to interact with them . Our children need to learn this as well . As a teacher , I had the advantage of seeing the children interact with each other . Those teasing boys that I detested when I was young weren 't really picking on me . They just weren 't civilized yet . It takes awhile . But hey , most of us have become quite civilized by the time we reach 25 or 30 . Those " popular " girls who snubbed me ? Um , actually , if I look back honestly , I was probably the one doing the snubbing . When I was uncomfortable in a social situation , it was much easier to blame the other person . Realistically , it 's hard enough for adults to figure this one out . Children generally can 't see the situation clearly or express clearly and honestly what happens in social situations . When an adult asks them to describe social stuff , they often oblige by giving us a long description of something that may or may not have happened anywhere , except in their imagination . The classmate we were remembering last weekend has had a responsible , professional job for many years . He takes care of his family and took care of his parents when they were older . When I remember back to my students , I immediately think of those wonderful , challenging , quirky kids . One is now a musician , another is a dancer . There are mechanics in the group and mathematicians . I suspect that at least one of my former challenges will become a doctor , a lawyer , or a politician . They will bring their creativity along with them wherever they go . They were not easy students to have in class and they demanded of me , a degree of creativity and patience that I might not have known I possessed , had they not been there . They made me work harder than I wanted to at times but I am grateful to each one of them . They were my teachers . Coming around full circle , I find myself hoping I can reconnect with some of those classmates whom I found challenging . It 's been thirty … some years . I sure hope I 've changed ! Come into my story house Where in the kitchen lives a mouseWith twitching nose and listening ear , He sits behind the stove to hearWhile Grampa rocks in his rocking chairAnd Grandma sits knitting some socks to wear , Stories are visiting my little house . So , sshhh , don 't disturb my little mouse , But come into my story house . During my first year of teaching , I struggled to learn stories . I found it very difficult but also rewarding . Eventually , storytelling would become my favorite part of the teaching . But for the first year , I mainly told very simple fairy tales : Sweet Porridge , The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids , The Elves and the Shoemaker , and The Bremen Town Musicians . Most of these stories were stories that I had been familiar with from my own childhood . When I first starting learning longer stories and stories that were new to me , I would often write them out completely , copying them into a special notebook . It wasn 't that I was trying to memorize them word for word but I had found that by writing the stories out , I was bringing the learning into my own will forces . I have always learned easiest through my will , through doing . Later on , after I had told the stories over and over , I was able to remember the stories simply by reading them over once or twice and then picturing them as I told the story . This is a lovely way to learn a story by heart . I learned to tell stories through my heart and my hands - NOT through my head ! ! When I told a fairy tale , whether from the Grimm 's fairy tale collection or a fairy tale from another culture , I always told these stories for at least two weeks . Some of our more beloved stories would carry them three or even four weeks , though I rarely told a story for more than three weeks in a row ! The children seemed to love hearing the stories day after day and I loved to tell them over and over . Even when a child grumbled at the beginning ( " oh , it 's this one … . again . " ) , I would see them sitting on the edge of their chair , taking the story in as though they could never geComment The other day , I was sitting on the kindergarten playground and talking with one of my former colleagues . I enjoy visiting the kindergarten playground . It always reminds me that I am happily retired now and I 'm not responsible for watching the children . I don 't have to respond when a child starts to cry or goes over and bops another child . I don 't have to help change wet pants and no one has thrown up on me in over a year . I sat on a small kindergarten sized chair and watched the children play . Then little Matthew came up to me and asked me about my feet . Could I walk ? Why did I have those things on my legs ? Why did I need help standing up ? Why was I sitting in the chair that HE wanted to play with ? He had a seemingly endless number of questions . These are moments when I really do miss being with young children . They are so open . They don 't hedge around anything ; they just say it like it is . If they have a question , they ask . They don 't worry about whether it 's going to embarrass the other person , they just ask . And they do things , too . Whether it 's jumping off the swings , pouring sand down their pants , or letting their teacher know that , " My mom is lots prettier than you are , " they are adventurous , curious , and honest . Young children have very interesting points of view , too , and they are quite willing to talk about complex topics such as religion , death , and procreation . I have learned from kindergarten children that Jesus was the only person who knew how to tie his shoes when he was born . I also learned that only God can count to infinity . One child announced to us all that his baby sister " got hatched out just four months ago " . There are always those moments , too , that we call our " teaching opportunities " . Much more important , in my mind , than learning how to read or count , these are the moments when teachers are called on to be creative . A child gets angry and hurts another child , unintentionally . A parent in the class has a miscarriage or a grandparent dies . A new baby has arrived in another family . Rowdy play results in broken toys or torn play cloths . As a teacher , I often told stories at these moments . Stories are magical and healing and intensely comforting . I loved telling stories , even the very short ones that helped the children to settle down at the snack table . To tell a story to a child when there has been a death in their family or when a new baby arrived was a privilege that I took very seriously . I would talk with the parents first and often the parents would join us for this special story . We would even decorate a candle and light it before the story began . Every good teacher knows , however , that it is never just the students who are learning . In all my years in the kindergarten , I know that the children taught me far more than I ever taught them . And my visit to the kindergarten playground the other day was no exception ! Here little Matthew was asking questions , waiting for me to share my wisdom with him . I was ready . I figure I 'm old enough now to have vast stores of wisdom just waiting to be imparted to the younger generation . I told him that I wear braces on my legs because my feet often just forget which direction they are supposed to be pointing and then they make me walk funny . Matthew looked " That 's right , Mrs . Reinhart ! Just like this , just do it like this and you 'll be able to go anywhere you want ! " Long , long ago , but not so very long ago and far , far away , but not so very far away , there was a meadow . Through the meadow ran the sleepy blue river and in the middle of the meadow , right next to the sleepy blue river , was the Willow Tree . Underneath the Willow Tree , many flowers grew and the Willow Tree bent down her arms to shelter the flowers that grew under her . And in the middle of a patch of golden flowers , all shaped like golden stars , there was a little child who was sound asleep . She had been sleeping for a very long time and might be sleeping still , if it hadn 't been for the music that the child heard while she was sleeping . At first , it was such sleepy music that the child just turned over in her flower bed and slept on . The music brought dreams to the little child . In one of the dreams , the child saw flowers growing in a garden . There were so many flowers and they were so beautiful that the child wished she could live there . In another dream , the child saw a beautiful woman with kind and gentle eyes and a handsome man who was quiet and strong . They looked as though they were waiting for someone or something . Then the music changed again and became lively , like a dance ! Now the child could hear the music clearly and she woke up . She looked around and saw the Willow Tree and the sleepy blue river . And she saw , sitting quite close to her , an old man . He was playing a flute . And the music from the flute danced through the air and the notes landed softly upon the earth . Wherever a note landed , a beautiful flower grew . The child watched for some time and then she crept up to the old man and said , " Could you teach me how to make the flowers grow ? " " Yes , " said the old man , " for I am the gardener and that is why I am here . You are to work with me and learn how to take care of the flowers . " So the child went with the gardener and he taught her how to take care of the flowers . He showed her how to pull up the weeds and how to dig around each plant so that the sun and rain could come and nourish tBeing Mindful of the Present Moment ( This was written in February of 2006 as a parent letter to my kindergarten families . It was originally sent out in two parts . ) Lately , I 've been getting a number of articles sent to me that talk about the proliferation of marketing that targets young children , the lack of play time in our society , and our dependence on entertainment - television , movies , computers , and computer games . The world is changing so fast now that none of us can really and truly comprehend these changes . At my son 's college ( Beloit College in Wisconsin ) , Professor Art Robson comes up with the Freshman " Mindset List " each year , just to help the parents and faculty to realize how different our children 's lives are now from when we grew up . I thought it might be helpful for us to take a moment to realize just how dramatically the world has changed for our children , so I have attempted to create my own list : The children in our kindergarten were born in 1999 or later . They have never known life without a remote control . DVD players , VCR 's , Game boys , Computers , and Television are part of most households . They have never known life without the Internet ! A mouse is usually connected to a computer , not running around the kitchen . Many were born after 9 / 11 and so our country has always had a " patriot act " and has been fighting terrorism around the world . Airport security has always been very tight . George Bush has always been president . News is available on television round the clock . Children have play dates . Health food is bought at a special store , not grown . They have always known digital cameras and small video cameras . They have never known life without cell phones . Movies have always been available to be seen at home . It is almost expected that even young children go to the movie theater to see movies . What do you remember about when you were growing up ? I am 48 years old . I remember : Not having a television until I was 8 or 9 years old - then we had one channel - black and white . We played all day in the fields around ouA St . Nicholas Story " The Fiercest Little Animal in the Forest " is now available in book form through https : / / www . createspace . com / 3408785 and Amazon . Story by Terri Reinhart , Illustrated by Patrick Reinhart * * * * * * The fiercest animal in the forest was the pine marten . Every time another animal would come near to him , he would growl and snarl and snap at them . Then the animals would run away from him . If any people walked through the forest , he would hide in a bush and growl and snarl and snap at them as they went by . Then the people would walk a little faster to get away from the snarling and snapping beast . One day , the pine marten heard people coming . There were a lot of people coming right through his forest ! It was St . Nicholas and all his helpers . The pine marten hid in a bush close by the path . As the people came by , the he started to growl and snarl and snap his teeth . Some of the people closest to him began to walk faster . But one man stopped and looked down at the little pine marten . The pine marten suddenly was afraid and wanted to run away , but he found that he was caught in the brambles of the bush . St . Nicholas , for that is who had stopped to look at him , bent down and gently picked up the pine marten and put him in his pocket . The little fellow began to scrabble and scratch , but it was no use . pine _ marten _ small . jpg He was stuck in St . Nicholas ' pocket all through the journey across the forest and all the way to the sea . He stayed in St . Nicholas ' pocket when everyone boarded the ship and when they sailed all the way across the sea . When they finally arrived at the other shore , St . Nicholas ' helpers carried bags of food : flour , apples , nuts , and honey cakes . They went together to a town where the people were very poor and hungry . St . Nicholas and his helpers left food on each doorstep . Then St . Nicholas took the little pine marten out of his pocket . St . Nicholas looked closely at the pine marten , " No more growling , " said St . Nicholas , " no more snarling and no more snapping . I have work for you to do . " And he sent the pine marten in each house with coins to drop into the stockings that were hanging by the fire . The little pine marten worked very hard , carrying the coins in his mouth and slipping into the houses . He worked all night long and when morning came and he was finished with his work , he was very tired . He was happy to go back inside St . Nicholas ' pocket ! The little pine marten was so sleepy that he didn 't even know when they got back on their ship and sailed across the sea for home . He didn 't wake up , even when they came to the forest . But when they came quite close to where St . Nicholas had found him , St . Nicholas took him out of his pocket and told him that he could go free . But the little pine marten wanted to stay with St . Nicholas . And so , he went back into St . Nicholas ' pocket and continued on the journey to St . Nicholas ' home . From that time on , he lived in the woods close to St . Nicholas ' house . And whenever St . Nicholas needed his help , he was right there . Terri Reinhart 12 / 06 |
They say when you take a picture of someone you capture their soul in the camera . They also say if you print it off , that picture contains the soul itself and you can control them with it . I 'm not sure where to start . Do you know what the Primordial Soup is ? A veritable ocean of elements , all floating around randomly . And through millions of years of time , eventually the right set of random circumstances came to pass , and the elements were able to connect together and form the world 's first single cell organism . Now that 's a really boiled down version of it but I 'm sure you get the gist of it . Fast forward a few billion years to the early 1990s , when internet use began to rapidly accelerate . Every home had a computer , and new connections between computers were opening on a by - the - second basis . Trillions of bytes of data began to transfer around the world at the speed of light , music , text , sound , and most importantly ; pictures . Now if , when you take a picture of someone and capture their soul , what happens when that picture is converted to data and placed on a hard drive ? Does the soul follow ? 15 years later we believe so . We believe that when you take a picture of someone and upload it onto your computer , alongside the image data a blueprint of the person 's soul itself is imprinted on the file itself . Look at your pictures folder . How many souls reside in that folder alone ? That 's just the beginning though . These soul blueprints each retain pieces of a puzzle , parts of the soul itself as well . Recently a group of hackers , who referred to themselves as the Cardinals , took an interest to this theory and began experiments . They found anomalies within the binary sequences of images based on similar features of the person they had taken a picture of . A binary DNA if you will . Now these hackers had come to possess a set of three extremely important data files . One avi , one jpeg , and one . mp3 , each of which possessing interesting unexplainable qualities . The first , cradle . avi , depicts what appears to be a group of teNow onwards : This group of hackers , the Cardinals , took to analyzing these 3 files and comparing their odd behaviors . They had heard of other such odd files , images , data , etc , but were never able to get their hands on them . At least as far as we know , though rumour states they in fact were able to locate and collect all of the known files like the original smile . jpg , barbie . jpg , even suicidemouse . avi . Not even the grifter was able to escape their grasp , rumour states . But rumour also states the grifter video even exists , but thats another story . Nonetheless , all these files in hand , the group lined the files up and begin to meticulously work through the binary one 0 / 1 at a time , checking for similar strains and series of binary that matched . And they did manage to successfully do so , at least legend states . The result was 7 individual execute files that did nothing . Simply a gibberish pile of 0s and 1s . They endless puzzled over the files , each tackling an execute each . They decided to name them after themselves , Lust , Gluttony , Greed , Envy , Sloth , Wrath , and Pride . At last they attempted to line the files up . Remarkably , something odd happened . The copies of the files quite suddenly meshed together . The result was a single complete Execute , already named . " BarelyBreathing . exe " And what of this file ? Well not much else is known after that point . They were too smart to just execute it . They analyzed the file every possible way . Hex , binary , conversions , anything to figure out what this odd file would do . To no avail , even after forming together it was an even bigger jumble of 1s and 0s and made no more sense than the separate executes . They backed the file up on a flash drive and proceeded to run it . That was the last command found run on their destroyed computers a week later . Their corpses had been disfigured beyond recognition . Description of the corpses stated that it almost seemed as if they had been brutally slashed across their faces and arms . Every square inch of skin that had been bare had been mutilated . AlPosted by In my old age I 've seen a lot of things . Some things I 'm a little more proud of than others . As a boy there wasn 't a damn thing that could sate my appetite for the world around me . Everything in reach I had to get my hands on , take it apart and study it . My natural curiosity is what got me into the many scraps and situations of my youth . I remember when I wasn 't any older than six , it was the fall of nineteen hundred and twenty - eight , me and several of the local boys were out playing a game of hide - and - seek . Denny Louis was the seeker , and a damned good one at that , so I took it upon myself to find a damned good hiding place . I remembered the hayloft out in our barn , and figured I could hide myself among the many bales of hay up there , maybe even push some of those bales around like I had times before when I wanted to build a fort , and get myself a perfect hiding space . Denny started counting out loud from a hundred and I took off a running to the barn , the breeze tickling my cheeks and smelling like the harvest . I ran through those big red doors and my eyes fell on Denny Louis ' mama laying on the ground , straw in her hair and her dress hiked up , with my Daddy laying on top of her , looking like he was trying to pick himself up , but he seemed to be having trouble . I had no idea what I was seeing , but I would later learn all about what my Daddy was doing when I was fourteen when me and Sandra Hannigan made our way up into the same hayloft that I had hid so many times , and made so many forts in , to get out of the rain . She shook the water from that beautiful blazing , red hair of hers and noticed my eyes stuck on her nipples poking out like little buttons in the cold , wet air . She hiked up that flowery yellow dress she liked to wear and spread her creamy white , freckled legs , revealing her sweet fire peach . There in the smell of spring rain and old horse shit I made love for the first time . Beautiful girl , she was . " Daddy ? " my little voice rung out , echoing off the dusty , wooden walls . My old man turnedPosted by On my eighth birthday , I got a present that would change my life forever . It was a beautiful doll that looked a lot like me . That is why my grandmother bought it for me . I named her Polly . However , days after I got the doll , things began to get weird , but I didn 't notice . I slowly became unsocial , never having friends over . All I needed was Polly to make me happy . She was my best and only friend . All I would do was go to school , and come home to play with Polly . I never bothered to make friends , or talk to teachers . I even stopped trying in school . I had been a perfect student until I got the present . Nobody really noticed , though , so I didn 't mind . After about a week of having Polly , I stopped eating real food . I just didn 't feel right eating normal food , so I would always go out to the backyard ( we lived in a forest area ) , after telling my mom I wasn 't really hungry that night , and find some woodland creature to hunt and kill for dinner . My mom didn 't notice me not eating much , until week three . She even took me to the doctor a few times , asking about what was wrong with me . The doctor always had the same answer . I was at a healthy weight and was not sick . After our third visit to Dr . Cortez , my mom decided I was fine and just going through a " stage " as she called it . After a month of having Polly , my mom noticed me sleeping in my closet instead of my usual place : my bed . And when she would come to check on me , not only would I be in the closet , but Polly would be in my bed . I would also sleep with my eyes wide open . My mom just ignored it , also saying it was a " stage " . Three months later , I got a haircut . I wanted a bob , and that is what I got . The creepy thing was , after I got my haircut , Polly 's hair started to fall out . It only stopped when her hair was exactly like mine . My mom then knew things were not right with the doll , but I would not part with it because Polly was my friend . She was the only one who understood me . My mom also told me that when she was about to fall asleep , she would find Polly right next to her bed . Polly would stare at her intently . My mom would put her back in my room , but always find Polly in the same spot when she went back to bed . Eventually , my mom ignored it . I now know that Polly was checking to see if my mom was still awake . After almost a year , things got stranger . My skin , hair , and eyes started to turn a glowing green . This resulted in another doctor visit , but he said there was nothing he could do . This , my mom finally decided wasn 't a " phase " . She watched me as much as possible . She even quit her job , a crazy move for a single mother , so she could home school me and make sure nothing happened to me . Then the worst night of both of our lives happened . My mom woke up in the middle of the night , after hearing the backdoor open and slam shut . She ran outside , after noticing that I wasn 't in my bed , and neither was Polly . Once outside , she spotted us immediately . We were walking towards the lake , hand in hand . She ran after us , and was almost too late . Polly was leading me into the water , clearly trying to drown me . Polly turned her head , all the way around , towards my mom . She smiled a sick , malevolence grin that sent shivers down her spine . My mom knew she had to act now , before it was too late . She ran to me and grabbed my hand , but I pushed her away . She fought until she had me , struggling , in her arms . She placed me in my bed , and locked me in . She sat there , trying to comfort me . I was hysterical . Then , we heard the tapping . We looked at the window , and found Polly standing there staring at us , with her evil green eyes . My mom opened the window , and grabbed her . My mom ran out of my room and threw Polly in the fireplace . It was on my tenth birthday when I got the courage to ask my mom what Polly was doing , and what had happened to me . She said that my grandmother got Polly for free , from a woman that seemed crazy . Her daughter died days before she got rid of the doll . My mom showed me the research she did , and it turned out that the previous eight owners of the doll were all killed in various ways . The first killed was one year old , the second was two years old , the third was three years , the fourth was four years , the fifth was five years , the sixth was six years , the seventh was seven years , and then there was me . I was the only one to survive . You ever wonder what happens to you when you die ? Well , I have a little idea of it . People die at all ages , and of all types of causes . Sometimes it 's by injury , sometimes it 's by disease . Sometimes , old people just die without warning in their sleep . They were perfectly healthy , just old . There really is no explanation for why they die , but they just die . There was a little test done in the 1950 's , to see if they could explain this . They took 10 test subjects who were at least 80 years old , and asked them if they would stay here , in this facility , until they died . These people were particularly aged ; you could tell they didn 't have long left . As each one died , something peculiar happened . Just before their heart stopped , their brain readings became incredibly erratic . But , they still matched a certain pattern . They matched the pattern of a person having a nightmare . But , this was like nothing they 've ever seen . These readings were like the readings of someone having the worst nightmare anyone had ever seen . Their faces stayed so perfectly calm , along with their bodies . . . but they were not calm . But , one of the test subjects survived . He seemed like a very resilient man . He had the brain readings , same as the others , but his heart did not stop . Instead , he woke up with a scream , and jerked up violently . The scientists rushed to him , and asked what had happened in his mind . He said it was the most terrifying thing anyone could ever see . He said that it was the reason people die in their sleep . He said that dying in your sleep was not peaceful . He said it was the worst experience you could ever have . And as he was about to tell them . . . his eyes rolled back in his head , and he collapsed onto the bed . He had died from exhaustion . His heart collapsed completely . The scientists were baffled . The project was stopped there . They refused to put any more people through this experience . The results were locked away , and the project was hidden away from the eyes of the world . It was lost in the government machine , for the public never to see . But , one of the scientists was not satisfied with this . Many years later , that same scientist was of the age where he could die in his sleep . He remembered the project years ago , and decided to find out what the old man was about to tell them . He spent quite some time preparing his old heart for anything that could come at it . He wanted to make sure he stayed alive through this . One night he went to sleep , same as always . But this dream was different . He was in the dark . But there was a small light emanating from what seemed to be a bathroom . He seemed to be drawn towards it . He couldn 't stop himself from walking towards it . He opened the door . There was one small flickering light , a dirty looking mirror , a broken down toilet and a shower , which seemed to be in the same condition . The floor was cold concrete . There was a sink . He felt himself forced to wash his face with the water . It seemed perfectly normal . He looked up from the sink into the mirror , and saw himself . He looked perfectly normal as well . He wiped his face off , and reopened his eyes , and saw his reflection again . But it was much , much different this time . The person in the reflection seemed to be him . . . but it was different . It was as if someone had taken him out of the grave around 6 months later . The figure was decayed , but still retained some resemblance to him . The scientist was paralyzed with fear . But not paralyzed enough to stop from fufilling an incredible urge to reach out towards it . He slowly moved his hand towards the mirror . But , instead of having his hand stopped by cold glass , it kept going towards the figure . He whipped his hand back with incredible shock and fear . The figure slowly started to speak . He said in a raspy , degraded version of the scientist 's voice " E - everyone h - h - has their time . Y - y - you were lucky enough to last this long . B - but your time has come . . . . prepare y - yourself " the figure moved towards him . He looked for any escape whatsoever . But the door had disappeared . He was trapped in that room . His fear completely froze him from any movement . It suddenly rushed at him , screaming with a more terrifying scream than you could have ever imagined in your entire lifetime . As soon as it made contact with him , he woke up . He sat up violently , heaving massive breaths . The scientist realized immediately what he has just experienced . He quickly grabbed a piece of blank paper that was sitting on the desk next to him . He had prepared this beforehand , just in case . He scribbled out these words as quickly as he could , for he knew that his heart was about to collapse . The paper said " DIE BEFORE YOU SLEEP " . He then threw the paper and pencil down , and expected to die right then . But he didn 't . But he looked over to the exit from his room . Standing in that exit was the figure from his nightmare . The figure whispered " y - you didn 't think you c - could get away that e - e - easily did you ? " The scientist 's eyes widened with terrible fear . He managed to whisper " what . . . what are you ? " The figure rushed towards the side of his bed , and whispered in his ear " I am god " . And with those words , the scientist died . The scientist was a lonely man . All of his family was dead , and he had but one friend . Nobody found the body for months . But , one day , his friend came to visit . He went to his house , and knocked on the door . No answer . After a few seconds , he smelled an incredibly horrid stench coming from the house . He walked around to the back , and looked in the bedroom window . Inside , it was dark . But he could make out the decaying figure of his friend , who had been in there , dead for months . The figure almost exactly matched the one that had caused him to die . He called the cops , and they picked up his body . The cause of death was simply labeled " Old Age " . But they found the paper next to his bed . It was filed away in evidence , and there were a few local newspaper stories about it . And so everyone kept on believing that dying of old age was natural , and dying in your sleep was the most painless method to go by . Well , good for them Posted by Laura was woken by her father ; something that he had not done since she was a child . As her thoughts slowly swam back into focus , she was suddenly sure that she had slept naked and he had seen her , but to her relief she was wearing her baby - blue pajamas . God , what was he doing in here anyway ? " Come on , you , " he said brightly , opening the curtains and letting the sunlight in . Outside , she could hear a lawnmower running , perhaps in the next street , and what could 've been birdsong . " It 's Button Day , remember ? Get dressed , put something nice on . We 're leaving in an hour . " Laura stirred , her voice groggy . " Dad , what the hell ? Couldn 't you just knock ? What if I 'd slept nude ? " He didn 't look at her , he was too busy admiring his garden from the window . " Oh , you 've nothing I haven 't seen before . I 'm your bloody father , I 've wiped your arse many a time before now . " " Not the point , Dad . " Squinting , Laura sat up , rubbing her eyes , and remembered what he 'd just said . " Dad , did you just say ' Button Day ' ? " " Well , yeah . What , did you forget ? " He laughed as he crossed the room to the door . " You were only talking about it last night . " " Wait - what ? " She frowned , not understanding . Something was wrong here . A fine way to start the day , really . She hadn 't even gotten out of bed yet , and she was already getting weird shit . " What are you talking about ? " He shook his head , still smiling as he left the room . " Get dressed . Breakfast is ready . " He left her sitting up in bed , holding the covers to her breasts , a look of confusion on her face . Eventually she got out of bed , and began to pull some clothes on that were to hand . Familiar sounds floated up to her from downstairs : pots and pans rattling , the TV on low , the muffled tones of her family talking to each other , a short , harsh laugh - her brother . No doubt laughing at the TV . She did her zipper on her jeans , and stood for a second before finally saying out loud , " Button Day ? " Downstairs , her mother was washingPosted by Remember Rugrats , that show on Nickelodeon ? What you probably don 't know is that the creator of the show , Gabor Csupo , originally planned a late night version of Rugrats called " Rugrascals " , to be played at night , with more adult humor . Because every major channel thought the pilot was too disturbing , they refused to air the show , and as a result no - one has really heard about it . However , one station in Wellington New Zeland mistakenly played it in the morning , thinking it was a regular Rugrats episode . The pilot and only episode of the show that was seen was called " Chuckies Mom " . The intro played like normal , but at the end when Tommy shoots the milk at the screen , the sound effect is much louder , and the milk simply stays there for about 10 seconds , then the name of the episode appears . The episode played out like normal , with the babies playing in the playpen . They are all talking about their Moms , when Chuckie has a flashback . It had Chuckie in hospital standing next to his mother in bed , who was dying from an unknown illness . She was singing " You are my Sunshine , My only sunshine " to Chuckie in a very weak voice , as if she was about to die , but when she sang the second verse the song started playing in reverse . A shot of Chuckie appeared in front of a live action footage of a chicken 's head being chopped off , said to represent death by fans . Chuckie turns around and screams , and when he looks back at his mother her face has a live action mans mouth pasted on it saying " Don 't worry Chucky , it 's time for me to move on " in a mans voice . A flurry of random live action clips were shown , said to represent death , like a cow walking into a box with " slaughterhouse " crudely drawn on the side , footage of the L . A . Riot , other cartoons and actual footage of a man suffering AIDS being killed . You can hear Chuckie screaming the entire time . A shot of Chuckies mom appears again , this time with a chickens beak crudley pasted onto her face , saying " Don 't you remember where it all started ? " The episode then cuts to live actiPosted by Suddenly , the text " start : \> videos \ 001 . wmv " flashed briefly , then a video appeared in full screen . It was the girl again . This time , she was smiling , bouncing slightly in excitement . Her happiness made my heart feel warm . My guess was that she must 've been recording herself play the dress up game with the webcam . At first she was simply moving her finger across the track pad , clicking , then giggling excitedly for a bit . She must 've been laughing at the things she put on herself in the game . After about 2 minutes or so the screen would cut to black for a fraction of a second and it would return to the girl playing the game . This time , however , she was dressed differently , in a simple pink t - shirt with the words " Go Go Girl ! " stitched in glitter . I guess the game would simply record her every time she started it , without her knowing . That made me sort of uneasy , I mean , why would anyone program a game to do that ? Whatever , I think it 's going to be the same sort of thing over and over with this video , I might as well turn off the computer . I reached over and pressed the power button , and . . . It didn 't shut off this time . The video continued to play , and I saw the girl this time was wearing an orange tank top with nothing on it . She was smiling and giggling as usual , so I thought maybe I can turn off the computer after the video is done . It couldn 't be that long . The video seemed to drag on , with more cuts of her playing the game in a different outfit , and I started to doze off . However , the next cut in the video . . . The girl was just staring at the camera with an expressionless look on her face . Wondering what the hell is going on , I become interested in the video again . This one didn 't made me smile . It made me extremely uneasy , watching her without her usual smiley face put on . It was dark in the room , and there was 1 desk light on at the side . She was in some sort of night wear . What is she going to do ? She sat there for a minute with that blank expression , like she wasn 't thinking at all . I started to get really tense , as if something awful was about to happen . She bent over and picked up a hand saw from the left side of where she was sitting . She held it in front of her , showing it to the camera . Then , she placed the jagged blade on the side of her cheek . I cringed at what I was seeing . What the fuck is going on ? Slowly , she began slicing into her right cheek . Blood drizzled down her neck as she did it . Slowly , the side of her teeth began to show after about 10 seconds , as the saw went lower down her face more of her teeth began to show on the side . Blood almost covered everything on the right side of her face . She eventually got to the bottom of her jaw bone , and sawed a tiny piece off of it too . Her cheek fell to the ground with a small thud , and she put the saw in her lap and continued to stare at the camera , emotionless . I couldn 't take much more of this and tore the battery out of the laptop , but , the video continued to play . Then , the next cut began . The girl screamed in extreme pain . I almost fell out of my seat it was so loud . She screamed and put her hands over her now absent cheek . She continued to scream in agony for about 10 seconds , then a knocking was heard from the side . It was a woman , yelling in a language I couldn 't understand . She was pounding the door , but not opening it . The girl must have locked it . I tried to unplug the monitor from the laptop but it was stuck in . I didn 't want to see what happens next ! The screaming continued and the yelling continued up until the next cut . She was back into her emotionless state again , but her cheek was still missing . The woman was pounding at the door and yelling still . That woman must be her mother . The girl then raised the saw up to her right shoulder , and began cutting just as slowly as last time . I gagged at the sight of this . It was a holocaust of wrong . The blood began to stream out in all directions . The yelling behind the door fell silent . I bet she 's trying to get someone to help her , either the father or brother or what not . When she hit the bone , an awful grinding noise could be heard . I covered my ears , but I could still hear it vividly through my hands . I noticed that a piece of her muscle got stuck on one of the steel teeth of the saw . This cut ended a lot faster than before , and the next cut was the same thing . Except the color from her face began to drain , and her pain ridden screams became quickly weaker . Her clothing was completely red with blood on the right side . Then , she became emotionless again . Oh god , what is she going to cut off next ? The mother returned back with what seemed to be 2 other people , and they were all yelling in the same language as before . She raised the saw , and began cutting the right side of her head off . Loud thuds appeared in beat at the door . They were trying to knock it down . She slowly worked her way down , with blood going in all sorts of directions . The thuds still repeated themselves on the door . I was mostly confused as to how she keeps going even after she went through her brain with the saw . Her right eye rolled into the back of her head . Blood began leaking out of it . She eventually made it to the top of her mouth , where she hacked her way through bones and teeth . It was the single worst sound I have ever heard in my entire life . I still hear it in the back of my head some days . The thuds continued , and deep in the back of my mind I hoped they wouldn 't be able to break the door down so they didn 't have to see such an awful sight . She finally made it through , and with that , the right side of her head fell to the side of her neck , held on only by a piece of skin on her neck . I remember the chilling sound of her jaw being unhinged from her head when it was tugged violently by the force of her half head . She put the saw down to her side . The cut ended , and the next cut , she simply fell face down onto the desk . Half her brain fell out onto the desk from the impact , and her eye was removed from it 's socket . Blood pooled on the desk . The people trying to break down the door finally made it in , and they almost blacked out from what they saw . Their daughter was in pieces . The mother vomited and ran out of the room . The father ran to her daughter , put her head back together and cried , holding her head at the side of his . The other man , presumably the daughter 's older brother , simply stared in horror at what he saw . The horrifying self mutilation finished with that cut , and the screen cut to the empty room with the bed . With a sigh of relief that it was over , I just sat there , breathing heavily and sweating . I didn 't realize that the room was so hot until now . I have so many questions to ask . How was it possible ? It frightened me , and I spent a good 30 minutes sitting in the chair , and finally , I got the courage to get up out of the seat . I looked at the laptop for what I hoped was the last time . The room with the bed glared on the screen . Then , it cut to something else unexpectedly . |
I hate making New Year 's resolutions , so I just don 't . My goal , every year , is for it to be better than the year before . I try to be a better wife , better mother , and a better friend . Sometimes , I make it happen . Sometimes , I fail miserably . But , I try . 2007 was an awesome year , for us . We bought a business and had another GIVEN to us . Maddie started pre - school . We found a new church , that suits our entire family . We started a budget and got closer and closer to being debt free . 2008 is going to be even better . I can feel it . This is going to be the year we buy a house . This is going to be the year that the business takes off . This is going to be the year that we laugh , more with people , than at them . Maybe . This is going to be the year that we are grateful for every single thing . What will 2008 bring you ? I hope it brings you everything you hope for . And more than you ever dreamed . Happy New Year ! ! ! Snow White , feeling embarrassed and extremely overdressed , tries to explain . " Oh , my . When the invitation said to " bring a friend " , I had no idea that you wanted me to bring the dwarfs . " Cinderella ( host ) : " Seriously , Snow - did you think I meant one of your animal friends ? Get with the program " There is a man at my gym that looks just like Santa . Long , white beard . Big belly . Always wears red or green sweat pants . Drives a green Element , with a stocking hanging on the mirror . He plays Santa year round and really gets into it . He gives all the kids candy canes , even in the middle of summer . If a child goes up to him , he pulls out a little black book and finds their name , then checks it . And we see him everywhere - Wal - Mart , dining out , the gym swimming pool ( not pretty , by the way ) . So , when Maddie and I walked into the gym and saw him drinking coffee , Maddie really wanted to go talk to him . She walked right over , and tugged on his pants . Maddie : " Thanks , Santa . " Sweet Santa : " Oh , hello there . Did you have a good Christmas ? Did you get everything you wanted ? " Maddie : " Thank you for everything . " Stupid Santa : " What did you get ? " I could see the wheels turning . What do you mean ? You are Santa . You know what I got . Maddie : " The Princess Bike " Senile Santa : " The Princess Bride ? I 'm glad you like it . " I grab her hand , and pull her to the nursery . Seriously , what 3 year old gets The Princess Bride for Christmas ? And why , oh why , would Santa admit that he didn 't know what he got her ? Just play along , you moron . That 's what all good Santa 's do . I think we will be avoiding this Santa , for a while . Unless he 's around and Maddie won 't eat her dinner , of course . I just hope he doesn 't slip up and tell her that he 's not really Santa . And that he doesn 't really care if she eats or not . I 'd hate to have to kick Santa 's butt , all the way to the North Pole . But , I will . Over the river and through the woods , to Gram and Pop 's house we went . . . If I actually knew more of that song , it might be pretty fun to write an entire post , set to that tune . But , I don 't . So , you 'll just have to settle for some random observations from this Christmas . Not so great expectations : On the way to my Mom 's house , I got 3 different phone calls . The first one was from my little sister . Her youngest daughter had RSV and had to be hospitalized . The second was from my mom . My grandmother was sick and she was taking her to the doctor . My older sister was also sick and probably wouldn 't be able to come celebrate with us . The last one was from my dad . He hadn 't done any shopping and wanted me to help him out . I was starting to worry that this would not be a great Christmas , for anyone . Well , they released my niece that afternoon . No fever , not contagious . My grandmother and sister were given medicine . My sister was the only one who wasn 't able to go to my mom 's house Christmas morning . And shopping with my dad was actually lots of fun . For some reason , I always expect the worse . I think it 's because it always makes me so happy when it doesn 't actually happen . Visit from Santa : The highlight of the trip was Christmas Eve night . At bedtime , my brother in law went to Maddie 's bedroom window and shook jingle bells , and shone a red light at her window . We had told her earlier that if she wasn 't asleep , Santa would leave and come back later . Her little eyes got as wide as I have ever seen them , when he said Merry Christmas , and HoHoHo . She started saying , " I 'm asleep , I 'm asleep . " Then , she went straight to bed . No arguments . I hope he doesn 't have plans for the next 7 or 8 Christmas Eves . Maddie 's nose : On Christmas morning , Maddie told everyone about Santa visiting her window . She told them about Rudolph 's nose . Then she said " It went just like this . " And then her eyes kinda glazed over and she stared into space . And , she kept doing it . She really thought she was making her nose glow red , like Rudolph 's . Is shePosted by The clothes are packed , the stockings are stuffed in a random box , and the presents are tucked in a duffel bag . We are as ready as we will ever be . Rather , we will be as soon as Maddie goes to sleep . That 's when we can start loading up the car . The real question is how we are going to hide her princess bike - all the way to Memphis . Fun times . I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas . We have a very hard time getting Maddie to eat . Anything . Especially when we go out to dinner . She tells us that she wants one thing , when it arrives , she won 't touch it . It drives me crazy . So when I read Amy 's post , about what she did with her daughter , I knew it was worth a try . Fear . I 'll just scare her into eating . We went to our favorite local restaurant and Maddie said she wanted spaghetti . Guess what ? It came and she didn 't want it . Hhhmmm . Imagine that . " Maddie , if you don 't eat , your tummy will start hurting and we will have to take you to the doctor . You may have to get a shot . " Ha ! No 3 year would ever choose a shot over spaghetti . " Well . . . I 've had a cough . I think I need to go to the doctor . " Did she just call my bluff ? She 's done this so many times , she knows that not eating does not warrant a visit to the doctor . Think , think , think . Got it . Get your fork ready , darling , I 'm about to bring out the big guns . " Oh , well - maybe we should just take you to the hospital . They will put a tube in your nose and feed you that way . It will probably hurt really bad . You should eat , so that doesn 't happen " Just eat the stinkin ' spaghetti . " Ok , I 'll go to the hospital . " Seriously , what is wrong with my child ? " Mommy , did you see that man ? ! ? He 's so funny . He has a Santa Claus hat on . " " Yep , I see him . Do you know why he 's wearing that hat ? Because he is one of Santa 's helpers . His job is to walk around the restaurant and tell Santa who is being good and who is bad . Do you want him to tell Santa that you aren 't eating your food ? " Take that ! ! ! I 've never seen her eat that fast or that much . Apparently , her fear of Santa not bringing her presents is much greater than her fear of shots or feeding tubes . And that 's great , because , for today , she actually ate her lunch . I just really wish Santa was around all year long . Mid 1980 's - Joke started in my family about my grandmother , on my mom 's side , cleaning out my mom 's Tupperware cabinet ever time she came to visit . Today - 10 : 30 a . m . Talked to my mom . She 's coming to visit in January . 12 : 30 p . m . Started Christmas cooking . 12 : 55 p . m . Opened my own Tupperware cabinet and a collander fell on my head , while I was searching for a long lost top to the square container . 12 : 58 p . m . Began cleaning cabinet out . 12 : 59 p . m . Remembered that my mom is coming in January . Stopped cleaning cabinet out . I think it 's high time we started joking about Gram cleaning out my cabinets , every time she comes to visit . Have you ever given your child a gift , sure it was the perfect toy , only to despise it within days ? It didn 't work as well as you expected it to . There were so many pieces , it was impossible to keep it all together . You invited other children over , just so you didn 't have to play with the stupid thing . Last year , it was all Maddie wanted . Every time we went to any store , her eyes would search for this toy . If they were out , she would just explain that it was okay , because Santa 's elves would make more . The Dora cash register . Need I say more ? The Dora dollars , the Swiper credit card , the microphone . Ugh . Every time we would try to ring up a pretend toy ( compliments of Dora , of course ) it would say the wrong thing . In English and in Spanish . For example , if the tag said bicycle , it would say bracelet . If we would tried to scan the actual bracelet , it would say tennis shoes . It . Drove . Me . Crazy . One day , Maddie was playing with this devil toy and when she was done , she wouldn 't pick up the pieces . " If you don 't put it away , I 'm giving it to the girl that lives upstairs . " " Okay . " I really didn 't want to have to give away a $ 40 toy , but come on . Any time you refer to a toy as the devil , you don 't need it around anymore . So , I gave it away , and haven 't regretted it a single minute . This year , she wants a freakin ' Princess Royal Cash Register . It 's basically the same toy , only pink and purple instead of orange and blue . I 'm sure the horns and tail will grow on it , as quickly as they did on the Devil Dora Register . I told her that it might be the only toy that the elves don 't know how to build . For the last 3 years , every time Maddie has woken up during the night , she has only wanted me to tend to her . If Justin goes in her room , she pitches a fit and cries until I go to see what the problem is . She rarely wakes up , and if she does , it is only if she needs to go potty or her covers fell off the bed . Last night , she woke up after midnight and started calling for me . I went to her room , took the covers off the floor and covered her back up . " I want Daddy . " " What ? Do you need to go potty ? " " NO . I want to sleep with Daddy . " " Honey , you know you can 't sleep with Daddy . " " Please get Daddy for me . " So , I did what she asked . I got her Daddy out of bed . While he was in her room , my heart was kinda breaking . I 'm the only one she has ever wanted at night . Who 's next ? The post office employees ? The nice man at the grocery store that always gives her stickers ? Did the last 3 , almost 4 , years mean nothing to her ? I 've . Been . Replaced . I 'm eavesdropping , hoping that she calls me back , because Justin isn 't tucking her in just right . Why does she keep asking for her daddy . He 's standing right there , talking to her . And then it hits me . She has a cold . She wants her Teddy . Not her Daddy . I found her teddy and she went right back to sleep . Yep , I 'm still number one . And I wasn 't replaced . Yet . When Justin and I argue , it usually goes something like this : Him : " Blah , blah , yadda , yadda . " Me : " Whatever . You 're an idiot . " Him : " Well , you blahblahblahblah . " Me : " You 're crazy . You don 't know what the crap you 're talking about . " And this could go on forever . Neither of us meaning any harm , just arguing for the sake of it . I can count on one hand how many real fights Justin and I have ever had . I can probably tell you about each and every one of them and who won . Over the span of seven years , that 's not too bad . But there are 2 arguments that have yet to be resolved . The first one is a recurring one . And it flares up almost any time chocolate pie is involved . You see , Justin loves chocolate pie . And he never learned how to share . Not even one little bite . The first time this argument happened , we were only dating . It was one of the first times I had ever been around his parents and we were at lunch . He ordered a slice of pie . I asked him for a bite . He . Wouldn 't . Give . Me . One . His theory is that I could just order my own slice . I only wanted a bite . It would be wasteful for me to order a whole piece of pie , if I didn 't want the whole thing . He claims he would have finished both of them . Whatever . My mom now cooks him his very own chocolate pie , almost every time we visit . Spoiled much ? The other argument , that neither will concede , happened recently . I needed a new work shirt . I usually get a cheap men 's white button up , size small . Wal - Mart was out , so I decided to go to the boys section . Later that night : " I got a new work shirt . They didn 't have any in the men 's section , so I got it in the little boys ' section . " " Oh , did you have to get portly ? " That 's something you just don 't say to a woman . No matter what size they may be . His explanation for his choice of words was that a portly boy was the same size as a small adult . No . Just . No . Please add portly , husky , and juicy to your list of forbidden words , when talking to or about me . Thanks . I tried to share both sides of the arguments with you . What do you think ? Am I right ? Posted by I 'm always looking for fun , inexpensive things to do with Maddie . Last year , we went to a Christmas play , designed for children and I was so impressed with it , I planned on making it a yearly event . So , this past Friday , Justin , Maddie , and I met my friend and her twin granddaughters at the same place , hoping it would be as good as it was last year . I honestly can 't tell you what the whole thing was about . Santa , some elves , and Frosty melting - I think . The acting was worse than last year , and the storyline was ridiculous . At one time , I thought Al Gore was going to pop out of the Frosty costume and blame all the 3 and 4 year olds for global warming and causing Frosty to melt . But the kids loved it . We suffered , I mean , sat through the play , sang the songs , and laughed with the kids at all the right times . And looking back on it , there were some really fun moments that made it all worth it . The first great moment was when Maddie actually sat in Santa 's lap . She didn 't think twice about it , once she saw her friends do it . And even smiled her real smile . She usually has this crazy " I need to be on the toilet " smile , any time a camera is near . But , the real highlight to this outing was when my friend told Frosty his mouth looked like a giant sperm . Sometimes , it happens and there is no stopping it . It can get pretty ugly . But , sometimes , it 's just plain funny . Man at table : " We 're ready for the bread . Right now . Me : " Well , sir - if I lived in a bottle and my name was Jeannie , you 'd have your bread . Right . Now . " Thankfully , his daughter recognized the humor in what I said and laughed . She took care of the tip . Last night , I was telling Justin about the elderly man at the grocery store and how I was wondering what we would do , if we were in that position . I 've already promised my mom that I will sew her name in all of her clothes , so no one will steal them . You know - after I put her in a home . That 's about all the plans we have . And then , I started thinking about what would happen to us . " Maddie , you 'll take care of us when we get really old , won 't you ? " " Nope . " " What ! ? Well , who will make sure we 're okay ? " " I 'll just get a policeman . " You know what that tells me ? The nursing home she puts us in will have security . Yea . After feeding Maddie goldfish and yogurt for breakfast , I knew a trip to the grocery store was not only necessary , but dire . I try to be as fast as I can , each time I have to go to the grocery store . Which is why I try to go without Maddie , as often as possible . My goal is always : Get in , get the stuff and get the heck outta there . Today was no different . I knew what I needed and I knew that if I made it home by 11 , I would have enough time to catch up on my recorded shows , before I had to pick Maddie up from school . As I was racing through the aisles , I saw a man in his 50 's walking with his father . His father was obviously having a difficult time keeping up , but his son was being extremely patient . The older man was probably in his 80 's and had to hold on to the shelves , just to walk . His son shuffled along beside him , not rushing him and always there to help him along . The father would often push his arm away and tell him that he could do it himself . Not in a mean way , just prideful . I kept seeing them the entire time I was shopping . I couldn 't help but be impressed . It was amazing to me , to see such patience and caring . They were leaving at the same time I was . By the time I had loaded my groceries and pushed the buggy to the corral , they had barely made it out the door . The son was having to hold his dad 's arm , every step they took . I walked as fast as I could to them - there was no way he would make it to the car . " Can I stand here with him , while you go get the car ? " " Are you sure ? Thanks . He can hold onto this . If you could just stand with him , I would really appreciate it . " He ran to his car , while turning around a few times to check on his father . In the meantime , two other men offered their help , and we all kept him company , while waiting for the car . He told us he had just gotten out of the hospital , after 1 month . His soon came back and explained that it was really 4 months . I wished them both a Merry Christmas and went back to my car . As I drove off , I wondered if I had it in me , to be that patient and lPosted by Have you ever been around someone that knows absolutely everything ? There is no doubt in that person 's mind , that he or she is right and everyone else is basically an idiot . And what they are saying is so ludicrous , you want to laugh . But , on the other hand , you don 't want anyone else to hear it , so you try to correct them . You can argue until you are blue in the face , but there is no giving in . Until , you basically want to yank every strand of your hair out and run around like a fool , just to get your mind off of whatever it is you are arguing about . Have you ever had a 3 year old ? Girl ? That thinks she has all the answers ? I do . On Tom and Jerry : Maddie thinks Tom is the mouse and Jerry is the cat . We 've tried everything to convice her otherwise - even called her Gram . To no avail . My mom was afraid that she had been demoted in Maddie 's eyes . I told her , " No , now you 're just as stupid as the rest of us . " On being bi - lingual : " I know what the Spanish word for carnival is . . . FAIR ! " " The Spanish word for exercise is work - out . " " Angel and star mean tree - topper in Spanish . " Hey Dora - Gracias . On her imagination : Telling the lady at the cookie store : " I went to my barn to feed my cow and I couldn 't find it . I looked and looked . And then I saw it . A bear had killed it dead . I cried and cried , but then I was okay because then I saw a deer , and decided it could be my friend . . . " I don 't know at what point the lady stopped believing / listening to her . The nice lady said , " Wow , you really have a great imagination . " " NO . It really happened . Just ask my mommy . " Only in that sweet , weird head of yours , my dear . On patriotism : Her version of the Pledge of Allegiance goes something like this - " I pledge allegiance to the flag of America . And to public stands . Dalmations under God , m and m zible . . . and just a frog . " Cute , huh ? Until you try to teach her the real pledge , then it turns ugly . As hard as it may be for me and Justin , it really is easier on us to just let her think what she wants to think . She has enough of her Granny inPosted by Milk and Cookies with Santa . Arts and crafts . $ 5 That 's the sign I saw at the gym this week . We went to this last year , and Maddie had a blast . She made reindeer food ( oats and glitter , so Rudolph can see it from the sky ) , ate loads of cookies and drank chocolate milk . After last week 's fiasco , I asked her repeatedly if she wanted to go and if she would sit in his lap . She promised me she would , and was really excited about it . This morning , Maddie did the unthinkable . She slept until 9 . I knew we had to hurry because last year there was a huge line and when Santa is done , he 's done . But , I was pretty sure that last year he stayed until 11 , so as long as we were there by 10 , we 'd be golden . We rushed around getting ready and left in plenty of time . Of course , I forgot the camera , so we had to turn around to get it . I went ahead and fixed another cup of coffee because I knew I would need it . I had planned on stopping at McDonald 's to get Maddie a biscuit , but when I saw the line , I knew we would be pushing it to get to Santa in time . I decided that cookies had the same nutritional value as a golden arches biscuit , so we bypassed that and headed straight there . The only problem was that we had to go the long way , because McDonald 's ( thankfully ) is not exactly on the way to the gym . I get the closest parking spot I can . Whew ! We made it at 10 : 05 . Plenty of time . I sign her in and Oh . Crap . It ended at 10 . Santa was walking out the freakin ' door as we were walking in . She looked up at me and her lip started to quiver . I started crying . I couldn 't help it . I 'm sure I looked like a crazy woman , but when you disappoint your child that badly , tears are likely . Dangit , if I hadn 't forgotten the camera , in the first place , I wouldn 't have gotten that cup of coffee . If I had just given her a pop tart , instead of going the long way to McDonald 's , which we never even went to , we would have made it in time . I 'm . A . Terrible . Mommy . I grabbed the last cookie on the table , poured her a glass of milk and found a seat . I tried to ePosted by Do you remember , not so very long ago , when the commercials during the morning hours were for sugary cereal , McDonald 's Happy meals , and dental hygiene nightmares ? It 's only the first week of December , and I wish they would come back . Really . I miss them . Now , every time I turn on a children 's program , there is a different toy that Maddie just has to have . And none of the commercials are for the toys I already got her . Oh nooooo , those are so last month . " Mommy , mommy , did you see that ? ! ? I really , really want that ! Maybe you can get it for me , for Christmas . " " I 've already got your present . It 's wrapped and under the tree . " " Is it that toy ( doll , train , princess , dog , movie ) ? Oh . Well , this is what I really want . I 'll ask Gram or Pop or Granny or somebody else . They would LOVE to get it for me . I know they would . " " Honey . . . That 's not quite how it works . " " Okay , I 'll just ask Santa . I 've been really good . And he knows it . He and God see everything . " I get this all day long . Super sugary cereal with marshmallows of every color and a free toy in every box doesn 't sound so bad now , does it ? How the Grinch Stole Christmas . In ice . Awesome . Let 's go . " Mommy what 's the Grinch ? " " It was my all time favorite Christmas book when I was a little girl . " " What 's it about ? " " Well , there 's this green thing , called the Grinch . He , um , didn 't like Christmas and stole everyone 's presents . I think he had a dog that he dressed like a reindeer . Um , some kid stopped him or something like that , and everyone got their presents back . You 'll love it . " Okay - so it 's been a long time since I 've read the book , or watched the movie . But , I knew the basic premise of it . Give me a break . We went with our friends and their little boy . We bundled into our ( mandatory for liability reasons ) parkas and walked into the wonderful world of Dr . Suess . Frozen . 9 degrees at all times frozen . Freakin ' cold frozen . Can 't feel your fingers , toes , or ears frozen . 2 million pounds of ice , carved for your viewing pleasure or torture , depending on how long you stay and how many pictures you force your child to pose for , knowing that she 's freezing her little tush off , frozen . After 30 minutes , we were all frozen . It really was very cool ( pun intended ) , and I 'll probably go back . Someday . As soon as I thaw out . Correct me if I 'm wrong , but I don 't remember Lucy being such a brat . You know who I 'm talking about . Lucy , from Charlie Brown 's Christmas . Maybe she was always a brat , but now that I have a very impressionable 3 year old , I tend to notice these things more . Within the first few minutes , Lucy had told poor Charlie Brown that he was stupid 3 times and threatened to " clobber him on the head . " Not exactly the warm , fuzzy Christmas movie feeling I was looking for when I started watching it with Maddie this year . I thought we would be sitting down , watching a cute cartoon , eating popcorn , and she would be so enthralled with it , it would become our thing that we do every year . Nope . Not gonna happen . Here 's why : " Mommy , why is that girl acting ugly to Charlie Brown ? " I came up with several answers , all of which she could and would use as an excuse for being mean in the future . So , I pretended not to hear her . " Mommy , she just called him stupid . Why ? That 's ugly to say that . Why is Charlie driving her nuts ? I think that means crazy . " " I heard her , and I 'm glad that you know it 's mean . Let 's just watch the show . I 'm sure it will get better and she will be nicer . " " Mommy . What does clobber mean ? She 's gonna do that to Charlie Brown . Can I clobber you ? " It took about two seconds for me to find the remote and turn off Charlie Brown 's Christmas . I think we 'll just stick with Rudolph . Wait a minute . Is that the movie where the reindeer mom and dad are so ashamed of their son , they try to cover his nose with coal and the other reindeer laugh at him ? Great . I 'm doomed , aren 't I ? As a child , my all time favorite Christmas tradition was decorating our Christmas tree . With 3 sisters and both parents , it was usually mass chaos . While 2 of us would help Dad with the colored lights and garland , the other 2 and Mom would get the ornaments ready . And , let me tell you - there were lots of ornaments . Of every type . There were the hand - made , really ugly ones that we insisted on being on the tree . There were the fancy figurines , the silly ones , the ones that were put out of reach of whatever animal we had at the moment . And we can 't forget the brass ornaments that we each got every year , with our name engraved on it . And Mom let us put them all on , without much of a fight . And every year , we deemed it the prettiest one we had ever decorated . When Justin and I got married , I decided I wanted a " real " tree . No , not a live one , but one that was decorated by adults , with clear lights and a theme . I bought only red , green and gold ornaments . I did buy some whimsical ornaments that matched my colors , just so it wouldn 't be too boring . And it was pretty . Finally , I 'm an adult . With an adult tree . Enter Maddie . I took her to Target last week to buy some more decorations . When we walked through the Christmas section , she couldn 't contain her excitement . If it had colors , she loved it . If it was tacky and gaudy , she loved it . And she wanted them all , including the gasp colored lights . Have you ever tried to explain a tree color scheme to a 3 year old , when Target has every imaginable , fun ornament on their shelves ? Just don 't . And then I started thinking . This could easily turn into a power struggle . And since it 's Christmas and all , I let her win . I let her get the colored lights . She picked out several really bright , not red or green , ornaments . And our collection began . Tonight , before bed , we turned off all the lights in the apartment . Then we laid down under the tree , with the lights on . She turned to me and smiled , with pure joy . " Mommy , I think this is the prettiest tree I 've ever seen . " I think she may bePosted by If you want a good laugh , turn up your volume and click here . Maddie and I have watched it over and over again , and it is still funny . Try it for yourself . I have made the determination that Dec 1 was the start of the tacky Christmas sweater season . They are everywhere ! ! Except on me . I will never , ever wear bells , reindeer , wreaths , or a Christmas tree on a sweater . I just can 't do it . I 'm going to start a daily count on these Christmas sweaters and post it on this blog until Christmas . Today , when Maddie was asked what she wanted Santa to bring her , her response was typical . " I want everything . " I 'm afraid she really does . Why is it that the first year I actually go Christmas shopping early , I look in the paper today and everything I bought is now on sale ? It 's not fair , I tell ya ! We put up our Christmas tree tonight . We 've had the same tree for 5 years . I 've struggled with this tree every single year . It has never been straight . I 've used paper towels in the stand . I 've propped it against the wall . It has been the most frustrating tree . Ever . Until tonight . I realized I had the piece that holds it in the stand attached to the wrong piece . For 5 years . I can 't say I miss the toilet paper around the base of it . Does this stuff happen to anyone else ? ? For the last 2 weeks , we 've heard all about the breakfast with Santa at Maddie 's school . There were fliers almost every day , with random email reminders . It was only $ 7 a person , and the proceeds went to the varsity cheerleaders , so we decided to take Maddie . Last year 's visit with Santa was a flop , but since it had been an entire year , we thought she would do better . We rehearsed what Santa would say , and what he would be wearing . We told her there would be someone taking pictures . And she was ready . She knew exactly what she was going to ask for . So , we got in line and waited . And waited . 25 minutes . Then when we got to the front of the line , there was a table set up . " They must be taking up more donations , or maybe if you want additional pictures , " I said to Justin . " Just get the smallest amount . " When we stepped up to the table , we told the lady that we just had one child , and asked how much it would be for a picture . " " It 's $ 35 to visit Santa and have your picture taken . " And just sitting in his fully padded lap was not an option . You had to pay the money even if you didn 't even want a picture . " I thought the $ 7 each took care of the visit and the breakfast . I guess it was just for the 2 pancakes , slice of sausage and carton of milk . Dangit , I wish she had on her Christmas dress . For 35 extra dollars , it better be a good picture . . . " I whispered to Justin . And then , I heard it . First , a whimper . Next came the subtle shake of the head . Could it be ? Ooh , I think we may have an out . " I don 't wanna sit in his lap . " YES ! " Are you sure ? " please be sure , please , please , pretty please . " Yes . " and the angels started singing . Justin and I made eye contact with each other and nodded . Then we each tried to put on a good show of trying to make her to sit in his lap . We didn 't even mind a few tears , for effect . I got my $ 35 back . I am 32 , and married with a 6 year old daughter . The name PB & J In a Bowl started when we couldn 't get her to eat anything but that . No bread , just pb & j stirred in a bowl . For weeks on end . This is a blog about my life - the good , bad , and often silly . |
I woke up ' early ' as usual Sunday morning , and was reading through some blogs that I keep up with . One is of a military wife in Germany , and she mentioned off - hand that they were changing their clocks forward Saturday night . Hmmm , I wonder if we do , too ? No one at work mentioned it . So I checked Bob 's cell phone , and it hadn 't changed . Oh , but the computer clock had . So to be sure I searched it and found an article about the time change on BBC 's weather site . Aha ! Last Sunday in March - yep , that 's today ! So we got ready for church in plenty of time , but as we headed out the door I thought maybe white socks weren 't the thing to wear with my black skirt and black shoes . ( On a forum I visit there is a smiley that slaps himself in the forehead - that thing sure is handy . ) So I went back to look for black socks ( didn 't find any , so ended up going without ) , and Bob came to lock up after I left . As we were on the way out the second time the phone rang . It was work . Someone had gotten a DUI ( driving under the influence - here they call it " drink driving " ) and the whole squadron had to come in , in dress blues , for a lecture at 4pm . Anyway , on to church . We went to Mildenhall Baptist again . They were about 1 / 2 full as this was some event weekend , but still a decent service . Got out at noon , then went to RAF Mildenhall for lunch at Taco Bell . After lunch , which included two full rounds of bathroom visits , including Cedwryck leaking on his pants and therefore going to the car in just his top and diaper , we came back home for Bob to get his blues together . Now , being a maintainer , Bob usually wears BDU 's ( or whatever they call them nowadays - the camouflage uniform ) . But , at the school he 's been in the last 2 weeks they have everyone wear blues ( the uniform that looks like a nice suit ) on the last day of the month , so he had it mostly out and ready to go already . So he dressed up all pretty , and the rest of us changed into comfy shoes . The children played outside for about an hour , as it was sunny and over 50 * . We left about 3Posted by Somehow or other I forgot to mention . . . LAST Friday ( the 21st ) the thermostat on Bob 's car went out on his way to work . He got a new one , but didn 't have enough water to fill the radiator , but watched it on his way home . When he got home he left the car running and went to put in more water ( so it would circulate ) , but the cap blew off when he opened it , burning his hand a little . He 's looked for the cap twice , and Taryn looked once , but they didn 't find it . So since then he 's been driving the minivan to work . THIS Friday Bob went over to the fuel shop to see how things are going . They 've sent a lot of people TDY ( temporary duty yonder ) and so are undermanned ( what 's new ? ) . So now they only have 2 shifts - 6 to 6 . Guess which one Bob will be on when he goes back to work Wednesday ? Yep ! 6pm to 6am . People really don 't understand that he has SIX CHILDREN at home all day . Including two boys who like to jump . Oh well . The school was sure nice while it lasted , but Tuesday it will be over . My apologies to Bob and any car people if I got the details wrong on the thermostat thing . We didn 't actually plan on doing anything today , since it was raining quite hard last night . This morning the sun was shining . I was up at 5 ( thanks , William ) and Bob was up by 7 , wanting to do something . So , having started to look at stuff yesterday , we had a direction to start with . All we had to do was finalize the plans , get maps and directions , pack a lunch and the diaper bag , get the stroller in the car , find all the shoes and coats and distribute appropriately . As we " weren 't " planning on doing anything , Naysha 's coat was in the dryer , and we had no bread for sandwiches . So , we went , first , to Castle Rising Castle . Yes , there are 2 castles in the name . Google said it is 1hour and 17 minutes from our house to the castle . But we missed a turn , so went through the middle of Ely , plus stopped at 2 places looking to buy bread , and took a little detour through Hilgay to see a house that Bob looked at renting before we found this place ( that I wasn 't able to go with him to see ) . So it took us 1 hour and 40 minutes . Got there right at 11 ( of course ! ) , and still had no bread for sandwiches . So we decided to go on in , and eat later . Just to be different , this time we walked around outside first , and then went inside . There is a steep ( man made ) hill all around the keep , and we walked almost all the way around before climbing down to the castle yard . There is the remains of two churches , an unnamed building , and a well in the yard . Then the keep itself . It is interesting . The main door has broad steps going up to the main hall , which was on the second floor ( 1st floor to any British person reading ) . However , the floor of the hall fell in about 500 years ago . So after that , people made a walkway into the wall on one side of the hall , so we walk along beside the former hall ( now 3 stories high , with no floor or ceiling ) . There is a chapel on one side and a kitchen on the other , plus a toilet , and a guardhouse . That 's pretty much it . I didn 't see any place for the lord ( or lady ) of the castle to sleep , and they usually hadPosted by I 've been missing in action . Not a lot of excitement the last few days . It has been raining more or less all week , except for a few hours after I finally brought the blankets in off the clothes line . ha . Wednesday night I was going to put the steaks in the freezer , when Bob said he 'd rather grill in the rain than have to freeze good steaks . So last night we had a feast . Bob grilled a T - bone for himself , a ribeye for me , and hot dogs for the children . I made " Old fashioned pan rolls " ( with about half whole wheat flour ) , baked cauliflower with cheese , and tossed salad . Ummmm , good . I was stuffed ! Didn 't even want dessert . After dinner Bob went to the digital camera club . He missed last month because of work , but since he 's on days this week he was able to go . They asked him to speak to the club in two months . I guess he 'll be able to get away from work for that . His class is almost over . As part of the class time they had to do a CLEP ( test for college credit ) in a subject of their choice . Bob only lacks Algebra for his Associates Degree , so he tried that . He did some studying , but all the college level study material tells how to do the problem , but not why . So Bob will sit and talk to the tutorials , " WHY ? " He says on the test he mostly guessed " C . " : - ) Well , Bob just called ( 1pm ) and he 's already done for the day , plus returned books to the library , got mail , and filled the van with gas . So he 'll be home soon . I 'm trying to find something to do tomorrow . Maybe we 'll go to Castle Rising Castle , and then on to Wells - next - the - sea . Or maybe not . We 'd talked about going to London , to the Science Museum that Zane liked so well when he was 9 , and maybe even watching the Oxford vs Cambridge boat race there tomorrow evening , but we haven 't worked up sufficient excitement for that yet . To get to London we would drive an hour , then park , get our gear , buy tickets , and ride the Tube for another hour . Yikes ! Not much scenery on the Tube . But that 's the cheapest way , as you are charged to drive into London now , and the trains are aPosted by I got my new phone yesterday . ( Click on the link if you want to see it . ) Opened up the box , put in the battery and charged it up . Finally it was time to use the thing . I read through the owner 's guide , and it says there is a number lock , which is a good thing because it 's the " candy bar " style . " To turn on the lock , press and hold the * key , then press ' yes . ' To turn off the lock , press ' unlock . ' " The only problem is , it comes locked , and there is no " unlock " button . Hmm . I read the manual again , I tried many combinations of buttons , I went to the website and read about the phone there . I was getting frustrated . But Bob found a review site , and in one of the reviews someone was complaining about the unlock feature , and to point out how bad it was they said how to do it . Yay ! After the second try I got it to unlock . So then I set it up with my home number and Bob 's cell phone number , and made a trial call home . " hello , this is Taryn . . . Hi Taryn . . . Hi Mama . . . Bye Taryn . " And this cost me 16cents . But now Bob doesn 't feel bad about dropping me off at the commissary . Peace of mind is everything . I 'm SO not awake yet . Maybe I 'll get more later . : - ) Well , it cooled off last night - it 's still 30 * F at 12 : 30 - and snowed all morning . We probably got 3 - 4 inches . We decided to walk to Cheveley Reformed church this morning , but today their service was early and they 'd already left when we got there . So we went on down to the Anglican church . They had service late , so we were early , but that gave us time to dry out little . This week they were in the main part of the church , in case of visitors . It 's a lovely place . Only problem is , no toilets . Now we are back home , and the boys are trying to warm up while the girls are out back making a snowman . Time to get lunch . Happy Resurrection Day ! Christ the Lord is risen indeed , hallelujah . I guess we made the right decision about not going to the castle today . It snowed all morning , and most of the afternoon . It was not quite cold enough to stick , but would have been a cold , messy day outside . As it was , we enjoyed the flakes from the windows . At times it would come down very hard , then it would be sunny , then sleet , then snow again . We did go to the base after lunch to get a new ironing board , since the old one broke . I also got a new Charles Wysocki puzzle . That was my Resurrection Day present that I picked out . Then Bob said he wanted to get me a cell phone , too . So when we got home I picked out a phone from Tesco . com . Tesco is a grocery store chain that has its own mobile phone service . Cedwryck is continuing his habit of getting into stuff . Today he ate 3 cookies ( and took one bite out of the remaining ones ) , helped himself to a boiled egg ( cracking it on the pudding pie crust in the fridge ) , brushed his teeth with great gobs of our toothpaste , and to top it off . . . We have a Vicks ( as in Vap - o - rub ) humidifier , and it has a place you can pour Vicks vapors so that it clears your sinuses as it moisturizes . Well , he got the bottle of vapors ( think menthol concentrate ) and poured it out in the bathtub , apparently in an attempt to wash a toy . So our bathroom is nice and smelly . As is the hallway , where Riah dripped back and forth twice , to show us the toy that Cedwryck " dropped in . . . " " Dropped in what ? " " I 'll have to show you . " The rule is , if you don 't know what it is , leave it alone ! Bob made dinner tonight ! Chicken nuggets , veges , and chips . Yumm . I made the pudding pie , and got the marinade on the chicken for tomorrow . Bed time . This morning I went to make frosting for the children to paint the cookies , and realized I had no food coloring . So I made white and chocolate , and let them use sprinkles . They had fun . Bob got off work early . He went to work on the van mirror , but the glue didn 't set up . Some of the framework is broken . He had to cut wires to get it off . But he thinks he can get it back on with the right sealant . I tried something I 'd read about - soaking rice before cooking it - and it didn 't work . Basically it ended up as mush . William was fussy . The bread I made for tomorrow 's lunch fell . It 's cold and windy and rainy . So , we decided to not go tomorrow . It 's kind of a relief , but kind of disappointing , too . But there will be better opportunities , I 'm sure . P . S . I ordered Ella some new shoes from Target . com . Yesterday was pretty rainy . But , having put it off for awhile , Bob changed the oil in the van anyway . I made sugar cookies . ( I 'd made the dough Tuesday , thinking I would bake them Wed , paint Thurs , and send them to work with Bob Friday . Oh well . ) We all worked out together . Bob discovered why the storage building is leaking ( it comes in the walls ) . Then about 4pm we decided to go to the base . We thought it might be nice to have something special for Resurrection Sunday dinner . So we got coats and shoes . . . We looked for Ella a pair , but I guess that 's the one size we didn 't save . So onto Lakenheath . First to eat at the golf club . There was a wait for a table , but we decided to go for it . We won 't again soon . The service wasn 't great , to say the least . Everyone got corn with their meal , and it was pretty gross . Bob said it must be deer corn . Dry , tough , no flavor . But , oh well , we all got to eat . Then to the commissary where Bob dropped me off to get steaks and hot dogs , and a roasting chicken in case it rains . When we pulled up there , the sideview mirror - my side - the one that got hit last month - went POP and fell off . Well , not fell , because it was dangling by a wire . Not the mirror itself , but the whole assembly . Then to the BX , where Bob dropped me and Ella off to look for shoes . They have $ 10 baby shoes ( size birth to 9 months ) . They have $ 10 children 's shoes . But toddler shoes ? The cheapest one was $ 22 . I started to just walk away , but then thought about carrying Ella through another castle , so I went back . They didn 't have any her size anyway . Bob sent Taryn in after me to ask for super glue ( for the mirror ) , but it was just too wet to try to glue it . So then we went back home . We decided to stop back in the driveway where we lost the shoe and pick it back up . Maybe it 'll dry out and be usable . It 's pretty muddy , but I guess it 's better than nothing . When we got on the ' highway ' and got over 50MPH , the mirror started banging around pretty hard . Bob said something about scratching the side of the van - I was worPosted by Ganeida , this is for you ! Bob took a picture of an American style plug - in ( power outlet ) for you . It is here . This is at work , so it 's not all pretty like some are in a house , but it 's the basic idea . Everyone also please see Taryn and Naysha 's St . Patrick 's Day pictures . Tuesday Bob came home from work and announced that he had off Wednesday and Thursday . Yippee ! What do we want to do ? Well , we figured , since it was 2 days off , we could go a little farther than usual and just be tired the next day . Only , we didn 't find anything before bed . So Wednesday we got up ( I at 5 : 50 , Bob at 7 : 30 ) and after breakfast we planned . We needed to go on base and get gas , so we tried to find things in the northerly direction . Only thing is , everything north of here is either not open at all til next week , or is closed on Tuesday and Wednesday . grrr . So it took us a few minutes , but we found Framlingham Castle . ( Understand we were only looking at English Heritage properties , since we bought the membership and go free . ) So we collected coats , hats , gloves and scarves ( it was about 40 * all day ) , diapers , and directions . Then we went to the base to get gas . It was 10 , so we thought about lunch . . . eat now or buy a picnic . Decided to eat now , so we went into the BX , but the hot dog place and the pizza place don 't open til 11 , and the children don 't like the sandwich place . So we went to the commissary and got picnic stuff . They actually had whole wheat bread ! I think that 's the first time I 've seen that there . By the time I got out of there it was nearly 11 anyway . I tried to open the sliding door next to Ella , to put the bage in front of her , but it wouldn 't open since the car was in gear . But it opened enough for the " door open " light to come on . So we pulled over , put in park , and opened and shut the door ( it is electric , so no one got out and walked over there ) - I mention this detail because it comes in later . Framlingham was just over an hour from the base , and we didn 't make any wrong turns ! We sat in the parking lot and ate our lunch , then bundled up and got out . We knew the stroller wouldn 't go up the stairs , but there seemed to be a lot of places we could use it , so we took it . When I went to get Ella out , she only had one shoe on . Usually when she throws something down , it goes right beside the Posted by Yes , three posts in one day . Sorry . I have two pack rats in my house . They walk on two legs and only have hair on their heads , and no tails . Yesterday I went to get a mixing bowl out of the cabinet , and it was full . A couple of books , a doll , and misc small toys . Today I went to fix the min - blinds in the living room that " someone " had ' broken ' ( Boy , I wish I could catch " someone " - he sure causes a lot of trouble ) , and happened to glance down . In the space behind the couch , between the 2 radiators , was a lovely pile . So I pulled the sofa out and looked closer - there was the missing new pencil sharpener , my slotted serving spoon , a pencil , and who knows what else . LOLon another , but similar topic , I went into the kitchen to mix up some sugar cookie dough , and noticed it smelled pretty good in there . Next , I noticed a brown spot on the inside of the ( open ) dishwasher door . Hmm , it should be clean . As I continued my investigation , I saw an empty vanilla bottle on the counter , and that the soap compartment of the dishwasher was also full of brown liquid . hmmm indeed . So I called Riah into the kitchen and asked him to tell me about the empty bottle . He " didn 't do it . " Didn 't do what ? " Didn 't drink all that . " Oh , mercy ! I hope not . Vanilla is what , 20 % alcohol min ? So I called Cedwryck in . He also " Didn 't do it . " But what he " didn 't do " was pour the vanilla into the dishwasher . Aha ! We have a suspect ! So I drug a confession out of him , explained about the soap compartment , etc . Good thing he 's so cute . I 'm afraid this will be a bit random , so hang in there . Saturday Bob was in bed by 3 , and sort of woke up when I got up at 6 , and sort of indicated he wanted me to wait and we 'd go to town together when he got up . So we played quietly til 10 : 30 , then we got our shoes on and headed out . First , lunch - Taco Bell , I think . Then we got groceries and brought the home , then we drove to Cambridge . ( hey , it comes back as I write ! I couldn 't remember what we 'd done . ) There we saw a McDonalds and a Pizza Hut , and Bob went in a computer store while I stayed in the car with the sleeping ones . Then we turned around and came straight back out . Cambridge seems to be one of those places you don 't want to just drive around in . It might not be bad with a good map , but England doesn 't have those . We 've decided next time we will do the " park and ride " thing outside the city . Sunday we went to Soham Baptist church again . We sat in the balcony so we could all sit together , and stayed through church . Yay ! William lay on the floor ( on a blanket ) for a long time , fell asleep without making a peep , and then woke up hungry but not fussy . He 's so awesome . They did the children 's talk again ( I guess they do it every week ) . This week has Palm Sunday - " Hosanna " = " Deliver us ! " ( or Save us ! ) - children 's talk about " save the planet . " So the pastor introduced the talk with saving the physical planet . Reduce , reuse , recycle . . . Asked the children what they 'd been taught at school about " save the planet . " One said , " Walk instead of drive . " Good one . There were a couple more . Then one little boy piped up , " Reduce the population ! " Say what ? ! A laugh rippled across the audience , and pastor said , " We 'll not talk about that one yet . " Bob and I sat there thinking , " Yet another reason our children are homeschooled . " What 's the point of saving planet earth if there are no people to enjoy it ? " Environmentalists " are so backwards in their thinking , but they sure are making ' progress . ' I hear the Pope has issued a new 7 deadly sins list , and # 1 is pollution . SPosted by Ganeida has asked me to do this 8 new things about me meme . Here are the rules . In the 8 facts about yourself , you share 8 things that your readers don 't know about you . Then at the end you tag at least 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going . ( I guess I 'm officially a blogger now ! ) One of my regular readers is my mother , and I think she knows more about me than she wants to , but I 'll try to come up with something not readily apparent to the world at large . 1 . I was born in Tokyo , Japan . 2 . I manipulated schedules in order to graduate at 17 and marry at 18 , just as I 'd always planned . 3 . I once bullied a DPS agent into giving me a driver 's license without having my social security number . 4 . I remember names better than faces . 5 . I used to want to be a hermit when I grew up . ( in between wanting to get married at 18 , : - D ) 6 . I 'm pushy and abrasive in print and over the phone , but in person I tend to nod and smile . 7 . The hardest thing for me to bake is chocolate chip cookies . 8 . I 'm more sensitive to cold when I am pregnant . ( and a bonus 9 - it took me over 30 minutes to come up with this list ! ) I only read a few blogs , but I 've tagged : Dorcas , Dawn , and Wil . THAT took another 45 minutes ! I 've got clothes to hang up , and haven 't done our weekend yet . Thanks a lot , Ganeida ! : - D . . . I 'm sure of it . I 'm just not sure what . Remember back when I tried to schedule ? And the next week Bob changed shifts ? Well , I 've been working on a schedule the last couple of days , and what did Bob find out tonight ? You guessed it ! He 's going to be on day shift next week . Grrr . He has some kind of training . But hey ! He passed his PT test today , so that is good news . But no relaxing , since he has to test every quarter now . I called yesterday to get a dentist appointment since the one I had was canceled . I get to go in on April 2 . ! ! ! Another 3 weeks , and I 'm already worried about that tooth . I really hope they don 't have to pull it . Today the weather was quite nice . Some of us went outside with no coat . My children ! I made a lovely lunch of baked chicken with sweet potato , oven - fried zucchini , and rice . But nobody liked it , so they didn 't eat much . I made 2 loaves of bread , and they ate ALL of it at dinner . I couldn 't believe they ate 2 whole loaves of bread . Plus apples and chips . What will I do when they are teenagers ? Maybe by then we will be farming . Or at least getting very friendly with the local butcher . Oh well . It 's past bedtime , and tomorrow I have to get up and take the children shopping , because Bob will be working til after 3 tonight and will need to sleep in more than normal . Sigh . I just love the military . I have nothing to say ! Yesterday we had pancakes for supper . Ooo , yummy . I had 3 pancakes . The children each had 3 pancakes ( plus a half each for the boys ) , a whole boiled egg , and some applesauce . I was stuffed . They wanted more . Bob will test again today , at 3 our time . I pray he makes it . We will probably go get groceries this afternoon . Some funny things about England : The toilet flush handle is on the wrong side of the tank . ( bothers some people more than others ) You have to pump the thing to get it to flush . I have a double oven , but neither is big enough for a large cookie sheet , or a roaster with handles . Known for being a very damp place , everyone hangs their clothes to dry outside . My tumble dryer , instead of having a " more dry " to " less dry " setting , has the following options for auto dry : Bone , Extra , Cupboard , Iron . Every electric outlet has an on / off switch . Instead of a routing number , banks have a ' branch sort code . ' A one time event is called " one - off . " Mail is delivered to your door at least once a day , but to send anything you have to go to a box or the post office . I get my local Thursday paper on Saturday . That 's about all I can think of for now . Yes , cows ! Why not ? From our first trip off base , on the Newcomer 's bus tour , whenever we go up toward Feltwell we see a herd of cattle beside the road . They are quite distinctive in that the front and back are black , and the middle is white . I called them " ice cream sandwich cows . " One trip I noticed that they are ' furry ' and so I guessed they were some type of Scottish cow . We never have been in a good place to photograph them , but we look every time we drive up that way . Finally the curiosity got to me , and we browsed the internet for cow breeds , looking at pictures , until we found them ( at Oklahoma State U , of all places ) . They are " Belted Galloways " - yep , from Scotland . I 'm so smart ! So I found the breed home page if you want to look . Click here . Aren 't my posts profound ? Oh , BTW , we had eggplant at lunch today and they are entirely unoffensive . I wouldn 't go out of my way to buy them , but I have nothing against them . Sunday we went to Soham Baptist Church . They had small pews , so we had to split up - Bob and two children across the aisle from the rest of us . It wasn 't too bad until William dirtied his diaper and I had to go change him . I plainly told Riah and Naysha to sit still and hush , and I 'd be right back . Well , I hadn 't got the diaper off yet when Naysha showed up in the nursery . She had to go to the bathroom . ( I wish I had the emoticons here ; I 'd do a nice rolling - eye one . ) So , fine . Then , when I was almost finished , Bob and Riah showed up . Apparently Riah decided to pee , too , but Taryn wouldn 't let him out of the pew , so he got noisy . And anyone who has seen Riah has heard him , and knows how loud he truly is . ( now it 's time for a blushing smiley ) So I finish the diaper , and took Riah back to the sanctuary . They were doing a children 's talk , and Taryn and Naysha were at the front , so I slid in with Bob ( who was now back in my pew ) . After the talk was " Sunday club " - Sunday school - and since there wasn 't room for us all to sit down , Bob said the girls could go . ( Now somebody tell me why they need both the children 's talk , and the Sunday school . ) I figured I 'd better go to , just in case , and Bob said that was fine . The girls were in different classes , so I went with Naysha ( I had William with me ) . It was typical Sunday school stuff ; not anything " wrong , " just not a lot " right " either . When class was over we headed back down stairs to meet up with Bob and the boys . I didn 't think he would be very happy with the situation , and he wasn 't , but the people were very friendly and chatty . They kept coming over to talk , and really held conversations beyond " How nice to see you . " So we were there for a while visiting , and finally made our escape . Bob said the preaching was good , and he didn 't feel lost in the crowd , but if we went back we 'd have to try to balcony so we could sit together . Afterwards we went to Lakenheath for lunch . We tried to golf club , as it has a steakhouse that is rumored to be decent , but they aren 't open on thPosted by I dislike mushrooms . As a child , if my mother accidentally put mushrooms in anything ( I know she 'd never do such a thing on purpose ! ) , I would sift and sort through my plate to be sure I didn 't ingest one of those awful creatures . Bob likes mushrooms . He will occasionally get them as a side when we eat out . When I started the veg box delivery , most boxes came with some mushrooms , so I 've been cooking them for Bob . The children won 't touch them , and I don 't blame them . But ! Today I was making spaghetti for lunch , and I thought about those ' shrooms in the fridge , and how a lot of the bottled sauces have them , and before I could stop myself I had chopped up 4 or 5 of those fungi and put them in the skillet to simmer in the sauce ! It just so happened that none of the children saw me . Bob did , though . He thinks it was a combination of desire to please him and desire to be healthy by including more vege - type stuff . So half - way through lunch Bob says , " Not bad , even with mushrooms . " Everyone started looking for mushrooms on the table . Taryn got it , but the others just brushed off the idea . I finally spelled it out for Naysha . They took it well , and even had seconds . Who knew ? Have you ever heard anybody say " I do so - and - so because it 's a personal conviction ? " Hogwash . Why would you suffer persecution or weird looks or whatever , just because you feel like it ? Or better yet , " The Holy Spirit prompted me to do ( XYZ ) . " Does He have nothing better to do than convince each person to do a different thing , when He already inspired the Bible to tell us all what to do ? If we all only did what we felt like , the world would be in chaos , and blaming Holy Spirit for it just isn 't fair . He 's been blamed for everything from marriage to divorce to church splits , and I don 't think it 's all His fault . So what would be a good reason for doing a thing ? I 've already hinted at it - " for the Bible tells me so . " If it 's not in God 's Word , it isn 't worth fussing about . If if IS in there ( and a lot of things are ) , then it applies to everybody . And I almost agree with R . C . Sproul on this one : there is only one right way to interpret a scripture . We can 't disagree about what it says and both be right . I do believe there are oftentimes several complimentary meanings in one passage , but there cannot be contradictory ones . So how does one know the proper meaning ? Start with a basic understanding of English vocabulary and grammar . Read the King James , and take it at face value . Read the whole section , then go back and dissect it , then read it all together again to make sure you got it right . If you still need help , you can look up specific words in the original , read other versions ( but be careful ! ) , read commentaries , and consult church history ( what was the generally accepted meaning up til the last 150 years ) . Well , this post isn 't going where I intended to take it ! Anyway , I say if you are going to have a conviction about something , it had better be based on truth . And if it 's truth , have the courage to admit that it does apply to other people . I got up at 6 : 15 , and greeted each child as he or she straggled into the living room . At 7 : 15 they were all awake and starving , so I set them to eat cereal , and went to wake up Bob . He 'd got off a little early Friday , so we went to bed together at 11 : 30ish . I made us each an egg , and got everybody a muffin . Not bad , but this brand of whole wheat flour is a coarser grind than the other brand , and I don 't like it as well . The cocoa and peanut butter chips helped things out some . : - ) By 9 : 00 we decided that we wanted to go to Orford Castle and got directions from Google maps . By 10 : 30 we were out the door . ( Did you feel the momentum come to a grinding halt ? We all got ready , got a lunch together , fed the baby , printed the maps , went to the toilet . . . . . . . . ) It 's about an hour and a half to get down there ; the first half is on a highway , and the second half on narrow winding roads . I know in my mind that leaning to the inside of the car doesn 't actually make it move over , but I couldn 't stop myself . And I really don 't know why I think it would be better to to have a wreck with a strained look on my face , but I sure cringed every time a car came too close . We made it about noon . It was cool and very windy ( being near the coast ) . Seeing the long line of steps up to the castle ( it was built on a hill ) we decided to leave the stroller in the car . So we got William out of his seat and changed his diaper and put him in my " pouch " - a soft baby carrier . I put my jacket on over that to keep us both warm , and put a too - big hat on his head . Ella wanted to wear the hat , but she has one built into her coat . This castle is owned ( or operated by ) National Heritage , which we joined , so it was free entry . The castle is very interesting . ( only the keep survives ) The main central room is round , with a 30 foot ceiling ( I 'm guessing here ) - there are three levels of this - main hall , upstairs fancy hall , and downstairs room with a well . Around that there are a couple of rectangular sections with bedrooms , a chapel , several toilets , a kitchePosted by Thursday I went shopping . If we could stop eating , I would definitely stop shopping . It just wears me out . Bob left for work at 1 : 15 , and we started getting ready to go . Out the door at 10 til 2 . I made the drive with no incidents , in spite of the constant chatter from the backseat . First stop , post office to check mail and send my Pampered Chef skillet back . That took a few minutes , but wasn 't any trouble . I went by the referral office because I need to fill out some paperwork there for Riah to see a heart doctor , but they have moved . It would be too far for me to go and leave the children in the car , and too difficult to get them all out for such a short trip . So I decided not to . I do need to call and ask them to mail me the forms . A car parked on the edge of the parking lot ( which is small enough anyway ) and I barely made it out of my parking space ( hard to describe , but this car was right in the spot I needed to back into ) . I did a 6 point turn and got out of there . Next stop , the bank . We finally got the check from the landlord to cover the heating oil we bought last month , and needed to cash it . The bank doesn 't really have a parking lot , but is across the street from the BX , which has a big lot ( shared with the chapel ) . The first 3 rows closest to the bank were all full , so I just parked in the middle of the lot and loaded up the stroller . We all went to the bank - there was no line so that was easy . Then we all went to the BX . I don 't like the BX to begin with because there is an " Art " store in the front ( in the food court ) that always has a nudey picture up front where anyone can see it . Freedom of expression aside , some people choose not to look at stuff like that , and it should be kept in the back of the shop . But it 's the only place to get some things . So we struggled in , got a cart that Cedwryck sat in and Taryn pushed , found the kitchen aisle and bought a casserole dish . Then we stopped by office supplies for a pencil sharpener on our way to the electronics where I bought a new cordless mouse for BobPosted by I have been browsing other blogs the last couple of days , and I find that the ones I think are interesting ( as a stranger ) are the one that talk more about what the author is thinking than what the author is doing . Reading about people I know , both aspects are interesting . So I began to think about including more of the " spiritual stuff " and my thoughts and feelings , etc . At first I thought I would make a separate place for that . Number 1 , I know many of my regular readers won 't agree with my conclusions on many topics , and I don 't want to offend anyone . Number 2 , which should be the lesser concern , but isn 't : I am a very " private " person . I 'm like the 7th grader who has a huge crush , but nothing would be so terrible as for the other person to know it . I really get terrified at the thought of other people knowing what I think . ( I 'm trying to find a place to put in a paragraph break , to make it easier to read , but so far it all runs pretty hard together . we 'll see . ) So why is that ? My parents were probably raised to not talk about their feelings , and God was something they did on Sunday , but let 's not get radical . But they made a strong effort to tell us they loved us , and really tried to bring God into the everyday . But I always felt it was an effort . ( Sorry if I hurt your feelings here , that isn 't my intention ; I 'm just working through . Hang with me . ) Dad hugged us because Dr . Dobson said he should . Reading the Bible was easy - we all liked to read - but talking about it always seemed awkward . This is part of what makes it interesting to see them as they are older : it started with Zane , but is more pronounced with the grandchildren - the interaction seems a much more natural flow than it did to me ( and Wil and Heather ) . Now , it 's entirely possible that the fault was all in me . Maybe they really were just saying what was on their hearts and I just didn 't want to hear , so it sounded strange to me . I 'm fully aware that conversation isn 't all in the throwing , but is largely in the catching . Either way , I don 't faultPosted by After I got everyone to assure me that my blog is checked daily , I slowed down . How typical ! But you insist you like me anyway , so I 'll keep trying . : - ) Monday was typical Monday - we were tired , the house was a mess , no bread made , etc . Tuesday while I was doing phonics with the children , Cedwryck really surprised me . He says the name and sound of the letters along with Riah and Naysha ( mostly repeating what they say ) , but he was the one of the three who thought of words starting with the sound . Maybe he thinks like his Mama - has to have an example or it doesn 't make sense . At lunch Tuesday we had a casserole type thing ( wasn 't very good ) and half - way through the meal we heard a PoP ! We all looked around , " what was that ? " And then Bob saw it - my Pampered Chef glazed ( 9x13 ) Rectangle Baker was broken . There was a crack right down one side . I almost cried . I 'd bought the thing in Iceland , so I guess 7 years or so isn 't a bad service life for a pan , but Boo Hoo ! Speaking of Pampered Chef , I had been in contact with them about where to send in my skillet since the non - stick was wearing off , and when I realized I 'd lost my receipt I figured I was out of luck . But they said I can send it in anyway ! That 's pretty cool . ( The skillet has a lifetime warranty - the stone only had 3 years . ) Tuesday night William was grumpy and wanted to be held constantly . This is very unusual for him , but I didn 't see anything to be worried about . Wednesday morning William was very content again , and wasn 't even fussing to be fed . I fed him anyway , and holding him afterwards he was holding my finger and chewing on it when I felt something sharp . Not being sure if it was fingernail or tooth , I looked and there they were ! Two teeth - bottom center . We almost got caught up on laundry and cleaning . We got our boxes from CBD that we ordered so the children can have presents on Resurrection Day . But still no box from Vision Forum that we ordered a few weeks earlier . I 'm afraid they didn 't insure the package , which means it 's fair game for any militPosted by Saturday we went to a " travel fair " sponsored by the base ITT office ( that 's Information , Tickets , and Tours ) . It was held in the officers ' club , and as we approached the building we realized how popular this event was . No parking . So we decided to let me go in , and Bob would do something else . Turned out he went to the car parts place to submit a request for a price quote on a new side - view mirror , and washed the car . I went in and was overwhelmed by the size of the event . They had a drawing for prizes , but to enter I had to get stamps on a paper from all the vendors , thus assuring each vendor got lots of visits . So I walked through as quickly as possible , collecting stamps and brochures . I 'm guessing there were 50 vendors , each with some tourist info for me to bring home . After that we went to the village of Feltwell to buy a secondhand reclining loveseat , which we strapped on top of the van . Then back to Lakenheath for lunch at Taco Bell . Then home . We unloaded the couch , then Bob mowed the grass and I picked up some dead leaves that were piled by the front door . The children played outside until dinner . Sunday we went back to the Mildenhall Baptist church , then to RAFMildenhall for lunch at Burger King . We went driving before coming home , stopping to take pictures of a church or two , and some pheasants and horses . Sorry this post has no personality . It 's very noisy in here right now and I can 't think . I am the MamaOlive . We homeschool , the girls wear dresses , the boys wear long pants , I cover my head day in and day out . These are outward workings of our inner convictions that God is first , family is second , and everything else is details . |
It 's been several months since my grandfather , Sid Moye , passed away . I 've been meaning to write about it ever since , but the wound has been too raw and it has taken me a while to figure out what I want to say about it . It seems like I think about him every day , miss him every day , in some way or another . Sometimes I will come across something that reminds me of him and I will find myself momentarily debilitated with grief . For me , it has mostly been an internal suffering . I 'm not good at talking about such things , and most people don 't know what to say anyway when you say , seemingly out of the blue , that you miss a deceased loved one . I know I 've been in that situation before . What do you say ? Do you express your condolences ? Do you tell them you understand , even though you really can 't know what that person is going through ? And so , it has been a struggle to find the words . If I just told you all about him , and I could surely write a book on that topic , it would be a good story . It would be a worthy story . But that would be only his story , and what I need to tell is a story of my own , a story intertwined with his story . I am still not sure that I am ready to tell this story , but it has been aching inside of me for too long . Now is the time . Let 's start at the beginning . I never called him " grandpa " or " Sid , " I called him " Poppy . " It always reminded me of the red flowers , and he lived up to that name . He was always full of life and grew strong and vibrant in the sunshine . He called me " Annie " instead of Rachel , because of my middle name , Anne . He said it was because of the " e " on the end , which he claimed should be pronounced instead of silent . But he always spelled it with an " i " on birthday cards and Christmas presents . This , he told me , was so that other people didn 't get confused . He was , and remains , the only person to ever call me Annie . Although he was often humorous and kind , he was just as often stern and too serious . He was prone to black moods , much the same as myself , when he could not quite express to the rest of us how he needed things to go in his life . His frustrations were always visible in his face , but he seldom shared them . If he did share them , he would find a way to do it in some comical or philosophical manner that detached them from himself , and often somehow brought everything back to growing beans and potatoes . He loved everything to do with nature . Never once did he let a walk in the woods go to waste . It was always an opportunity to express to his walking companion how beautiful everything around us was , how in love with all of it he was . We would hike to some high spot that overlooked the valley and he would pause , resting against a fence post or a tree , and usually he would quote some famous author or poet , or he would look out with wonder and ask aloud if I could see how pretty it all was . Often , I said very little during these exchanges . It was more profitable to keep quiet and listen . He was a sage imparting his wisdom to me and I was his keen disciple . Sometimes these musings would be about people instead of nature . He would talk about my grandmother , my Nana , and tell me how pretty she was . He would say that he was still in love with her after all these years . Whether she liked it or not , he would sometimes add , which was always funny because anyone with eyes and ears knows that Nana was , and is , plenty in love with him . He knew it too , of course , but I think some part of him needed reassurance on occasion , because he always loved people so completely and passionately , but perhaps none so much as his Dana . On several occasions , he told me the story of how he and my Nana met , how they decided to build a family together and be happy , and how glad he was for it . Then he would say , " now don 't tell your Nana I said that . " And Nana would tell me the same story , almost word for word , when she and I were off together somewhere and she would follow it up with , " now don 't tell Bud that I said that . " Bud was her name for him , another endearment gone by the wayside with Annie and Poppy . Sid , Bud , Daddy . Poppy - he had a lot of names . But he was just Poppy to me . Poppy gave me books , wild flowers , garden plants and once , a little gosling I named Feather , who was a dreadful creature but I did love the silly thing . He gave me a pair of rabbits when I decided I wanted to start raising them . Most of all , he gave me inspiration . If my well ran dry , it only took a visit to the valley to fill me full of mirth and wonder again . Evenings with my grandparents were the best . We would sit on the back porch until the sun went down , just talking . He would tell me to take care of my brothers and cousins , to be their steady rock in the world , because family was important to him . He felt it was the oldest child 's duty to care for the younger children . We would talk about which seeds to plant in the garden , or whether or not he should invest in a milk cow . He loved Jersey cows . Sometimes he would tell stories about his life , or about distant family relations who may or may not have ever existed . Or he might tell me a joke he 'd told me a hundred times before , or bring up something interesting he 'd heard on NPR that he thought was worthy of discussion . When it was dark out , we would retire to the living room . Nana would fix us each a bourbon and coke , which we would sip while watching BBC on the television . If Monty Python and the Holy Grail came on , we would watch it all the way through , no matter that we 'd seen it many times before , and he would laugh and laugh as though it was the first time . Nana would be doing the dishes on the kitchen and yell something at us that didn 't quite hear . Poppy would look at me and ask , " what did she say ? " And I would shrug my shoulders and we would turn back to our program and go back to laughing . That he was an activist almost goes without saying . He always did what he felt was right , even if it made life harder . He never shirked what he felt was his duty . So it didn 't surprise me , really , when he wanted to join in acts of civil disobedience against Mountaintop Removal coal mining . What could possibly be worse for him to endure than the destruction of a mountain ? The mountain was the high point where he stopped for a rest and surveyed all the joys of his life . The mountain represented the pinnacle of happiness and growth and love . It was a divine figure for him . Of course he was willing to walk across an invisible line and get arrested in defense of the mountains . But he was worried about it as he and I drove to the action where he would ultimately be arrested for an act of nonviolent , symbolic civil disobedience . He wondered if it was the wrong thing to do . He worried that the worst case scenario would happen , somehow , and he would make things hard for the rest of us . I did the only thing that I could think of to do . I assured him that I had a good feeling about it , and that I thought he needed to do it . So he did , and then I was stuck by myself in the midst of a crowd of people I didn 't know from Adam as my Poppy was driven to jail in Beckley , and strangers kept hugging me and asking if I was " Sid 's granddaughter . " For the next several hours until my stepfather met up with me in Beckley , where a couple of caring folks drove me , I was a nervous wreck . I 'd never been a social person and crowds scared me . Being lost with so many people I didn 't know was terrifying . And then it seemed like everyone knew who Poppy was , and all of these new and wonderful people thought he was great . They were inspired by him . They came to visit the valley just to see him , to gain a little of his kindness and wisdom , to walk in the woods with him for a little while and learn what he was all about . I was so very proud of him . He encouraged the rest of our family to take a stand against Mountaintop Removal . We were unified in a common cause . Needless to say , this was all a catalyst for the metamorphosis my life would undertake in the next few years . I started attending college with a cause , a reason to take a stand , an identity . I slowly , painfully came out of my shell . I participated in actions with my fellow activists . I made dozens of new friends . Poppy was at the center of it all . Watching him as he grew ill and lost his old vim and vigor was one of the most painful experiences of my life . It hurt him so much when he was no longer capable of working all day in his garden or keeping up with his little farm . It hurt him when he was too sick to go to actions and festivals and gatherings . He wanted to one day just walk up to his garden and die there , at peace , looking out over the valley with wonder in his blue , blue eyes . That 's not how it goes when you 're sick like he was - when you can hardly breathe , when the lack of oxygen and the pain medication slowly eats away at your consciousness . He sat in his chair , attached to an oxygen tank , and sometimes he had good days when he knew where he was and was happy to be with us . But a lot of the time he had bad days as he very gradually suffocated , his lungs losing strength every day . It wasn 't in the hospital , at least . He was in his home , which was a minor miracle . He was in his bed when he passed away , with all of us standing around him , all of us wishing for one last joke or story , but all of us hoping he wouldn 't be in pain anymore . And then he wasn 't in pain . He wasn 't there at all . And the enormity of it all hit me and I couldn 't take it . I snapped , and I screamed and cried and failed to form any coherent words until I was just too tired to be distraught anymore . But all I could think was , I don 't have him anymore and that doesn 't make sense . Where is he ? Why isn 't he here with me , telling me to " dry it up " and knuckle down ? No more sage words , no more stories , no more wrinkly , sunny smiles . No more tobacco smoke and black coffee on the back porch . No more bourbon and BBC . No more walks in the woods . It 's still running through my head , even now . It hardly ever let 's up . I am surrounded by people missing him , grieving for him , and I am selfish in my own grief . I want to scream at friends who knew him , " stop it , you didn 't know him like I did ! How can you be sad like I am ? It wasn 't part of you that died with him . You still have all of your soul , all yourself , but mine is torn in half now . There is me and Poppy , and there is just me . All I have now is just me . The other half is gone and how dare you say that you understand ? " But that 's not fair and it 's just my grief talking . I should be proud of the legacy that he left behind , all of the people he touched , and I am . I am so proud of him . But I am too much like him , and sometimes it is hard for me to express my frustrations , just like it was for him . Most of the time , it hurts too much to hear someone else talk about him and how wonderful he was , but it 's impossible to explain it out loud . Sometimes I just end up screaming and venting about it to some unfortunate family member , someone else who is grieving and doesn 't know what to do any more than I do . What is the conclusion to this story ? I still don 't know . I 'm still raw with sadness , a quivering mess . One day , I hope that I am healed enough to tell his story to everyone who will listen . I hope I will be glad to hear someone else speak his name , to admire him and look up to him like I always did . I think that when that day comes , I will know that everything he was and did meant something on a grander scale than I could have imagined . But I think that he would want someone to always keep the story grounded , to keep the sadness and the stubbornness and the humanity . He was a strong man , but he was only a man . And this story I have written here is the part of that man that belonged to me . I 've lived in Appalachia my whole life and if there 's one tradition that has had the most impact on me , it 's the tradition of yard sales and flea markets . As soon as Winter loosens its grip on the region , receding into pleasant springtime , everyone in my neck of the woods starts to feel the itch . Our eyes search the roadsides for spreads and tables laden with dishes and pillows and socks and dollar store figurines . In other places , it may be that being the person to purchase the most expensive purse is a point of pride . In Appalachia , the proudest among us is the person who finds that same purse at a sale for a buck - fifty . Some of us pack up our cheap finds and set up ourselves at a flea market , making two or three times what we originally paid , though that doesn 't add up to much in the long run . Others market their finds online or rent spaces in antique malls . Still others hoard things up , packing their basements and garages full of used Tupperware and pictures of Jesus , hoping that one day we will be glad that we saved such things . For my part , I have a compulsive need to stop at every yard sale that I see . I 've been yard sale shopping since I was tiny . My oldest and dearest toy , a large plastic horse that once was on a rocker or bungee or something of the sort , was a yard sale purchase when I was two years old . The story goes that I cried so bitterly for it , my parents spent their last few dollars at the time to buy it for me . It never bothered me how many of my belongings came from yard sales . The more you shop at yard sales , the more you realize that it 's the best way to find the coolest things . As a child , nearly all the money I ever came into contact with was spent on trinkets at yard sales and flea markets . I treasured my purchases , proud of everything I salvaged , as if each one was my ticket to becoming a millionaire . Today , I went yard sailing again . I bought two chairs , a sweater , some funky cat magnets , a bee shaped brooch , a vintage gravy boat , a casserole dish and a tiny bear figurine . What do I need these things for ? Well , that part doesn 't matter . The point is , I spent less than fifty dollars on all of it . And I will never be rich , but who cares ? You don 't need to be rich if you can buy a vintage gravy boat for two bucks . Share this : FacebookEmailPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Uncategorized When I was eleven , in the year 2001 , I saw advertisements for the first of Peter Jackson 's film adaptations of The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J . R . R . Tolkien . I remember standing in line at the movie theater , though I don 't remember which movie I was there to see , and I saw the big cardboard standups advertising The Fellowship of the Ring . I recognized the name from the fantasy cartoons I 'd grown up on . There were three animated films my brothers and I had watched over and over again , those being The Hobbit , The Lord of the Rings and The Return of the King . I was ecstatic at the time because the animated films were some of my favorite movies . The hobbits , in particular , were characters very dear to me . I mentioned it to my mother . She , being a librarian , was quick to inform me that there were books that the films were based on and my mother has always believed in reading the book before seeing the movie . Posthaste , I checked out The Fellowship of the Ring from our local library , where my mother worked , and so began my fascination and adoration of anything written by Tolkien . All of the books were dear to me and I finished them before The Two Towers came out in theaters , meaning I was then able to anticipate the final movie along with every other Tolkien fan at the tender age of thirteen . I was so enthralled in those books that I took them everywhere I went , just so I 'd be able to read them . I huddled under a blanket and umbrella with the library 's paperback copy of The Two Towers at my little brothers ' baseball game while it was lightly raining on me , determined to read my book for as long as possible . There was nothing more important in my life at the time . Even Harry Potter didn 't measure up . My mother was happy to indulge my Tolkien addiction . She bought me a copy of The Hobbit , which I read out of order but adored all the same . I even tried to read The Book of Lost Tales , Part 1 , but at thirteen the material was far too dense for me to comprehend . At fifteen , my father took me to a bookstore to pick out my own books for Christmas and I bought myself a copy of The Silmarillion , which I have not read to this day . Out of every Tokien book I read or tried to read , however , I had a favorite . It wasn 't just one title , mind you . It was a very specific copy of one book in particular . While I had checked out worn paperback copes of The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers when I rented them from the library , I was and am the sort of person who prefers a hardback book . My library had a hardback copy of The Return of the King that I adored . It was an older copy , well - worn before I ever came along to find it in the back corner of the fiction shelves . It was red and the front of the dust jacket had been cut out and glued to the front many years ago . This book , unassuming as it might have appeared , was more than just a book to me . It was a dear friend . I suppose I should mention that during this period of my life , my parents got a divorce . It was not an easy thing for me to understand at the time and instead of trying to comprehend what was happening to my family , I spent all of my time reading about Middle - Earth . I checked out The Return of the King many times . I took it with me when I went places with my dad , and for fun I talked my little brothers into acting out scenes from the book , which we were all terrible at , being quite small at the time . Sometimes , when I went to work with my mother and needed a place to hide , I would go to the corner of the library where they kept the Tolkien books . It was hidden behind another shelf and I often curled up there with my book and read my favorite scenes over and over again . Once or twice , I used the book as a pillow and fell asleep in that corner . But I don 't think anyone knew how much that book really meant to me . I asked once if , should the book ever be discarded , they would give it to me . I was going on sixteen at the time and my book was falling apart . The head librarian took it and carefully repaired the damage , as per my instruction , but promised that it wasn 't going to be discarded any time soon . All the same , I told her , I wanted this book when it did get discarded . I knew it would happen sooner or later . That copy had probably been there since the seventies and it had seen better days . One day , I knew the library would have to update it . On my sixteenth birthday , the employees at the library gave me a present . It was a brand new and quite beautiful copy of The Return of the King , which they knew was my favorite book . I was not sure what to say . It was a nice present and I didn 't have the book , so of course I appreciated it . But it wasn 't my book . It wasn 't the book I 'd fallen asleep with and taken on travels with me . It didn 't look or feel or smell the same . Still , I didn 't tell them that they 'd given me the wrong book . I thanked them profusely and told them that I loved it . My book remained on the shelf and I checked in on it now and then , just to see if it was still around . It was always there when I went back to the corner for it , and it was the only book I ever considered stealing from the library . I didn 't do that , of course . I held out some hope that when it came time for my book 's retirement , the librarians would remember me and they would hold it back . Years passed and still , my book remained on the shelf . My mother quit her job and set about getting her Master 's degree in Library Science . We had long since moved to another part of the county and after my mother quit , we rarely visited that library . The library was later moved into a much nicer building . I would think about my book occasionally but was now convinced that it could never be mine . The head librarian retired and a new librarian took her place . I was preoccupied with college and had little time to worry about one book that was never meant to be mine . The thing is , I went back yesterday . I had to see if my book was still there . I had been thinking about it a lot , what with The Hobbit being made into a new movie , and I wondered if my book was still in circulation . If not , I wondered if anyone knew where it was . Holding my breath , I went to the new corner that houses the Tolkien books and I searched . My book was not present amongst the others . Biting my lip , I returned to the main desk to ask if perhaps it had been checked out . Someone checked for me , but reported back that there were no hardback copies of The Return of the King , only paperbacks . I 'm not upset with anyone over it . No one knew it was my book . I never knew how to explain it to anyone , and besides , they are not the same employees who were there when I fell asleep with it in the corner . No one could tell me what had happened to it , but I 'm sure it was taken to the book sale and some lucky person picked it up for a dollar or less . I wish it had been me that found it and took it home . I cried about it when I got back out to the car . There are so many memories I have attached to that book . It saw me through so many things but in the end , it never belonged to me . Whoever has it now , I hope they appreciate it . When I got home , I looked online for a copy like it and found one for sale that had a dust jacket like mine did ; only this dust jacket was still intact and not glued to the book . I bought it and sent a message to the seller , telling them how happy I was to have found this copy , how it was like mine , and that I 'd cried earlier in the day when I discovered my copy was gone . The seller was very sweet , told me how much they loved Tolkien too and how they were glad my book had found me . I think I will be happy when it arrives in the mail . When I take it out and hold it in my hands , I think it will feel something like my book felt . Maybe it will smell the same too , musty and antique like old books often smell , though it can never completely look the part unless I break the spine and mutilate the dust jacket . In truth , like the seller , I am glad that this copy found me . I want to have this one so I can move on and put my book to rest . It lived a very long shelf life and probably brought happiness to a lot of people . I can honestly say that I don 't think anyone loved it more than I did . Sometimes a book is a good friend when you need one the most . I 've been involved in the movement to stop mountaintop removal for over three years now , which is a relatively small period of time when I think about the many people who 've been involved for much longer . Fighting big coal has come to define me to such an extent that it feels like a lifetime since I first heard Judy Bonds and Larry Gibson speak . Judy and Larry were two coalfield residents whose words were more than just genuine ; they were passionate and empowering . Larry Gibson was a spunky little man who talked big , and it was not difficult to believe every word he said . I always believed that he would fight for the mountains until he took his last breath . People like Larry don 't just stop fighting for something when the fight gets too hard . Larry 's fight was always hard . Throwing his lot in with the " tree huggers " and refusing to sell the last remnants of his home on Kayford Mountain to the coal company meant that Larry made a lot of enemies . People shot at his house , vandalized his property , poisoned and shot his dogs and threatened his life . The police ignored Larry 's problems , claiming that Larry lived in " No Man 's Land " on Kayford Mountain and that there was nothing they could do to help him . Despite this , Larry was not deterred . He never claimed to be a saint or anything of the sort , just a man who owed his life to Kayford Mountain , but there must have been some part of him with divine patience . How many people can claim that all those things , or even of those things , wouldn 't scare them away from their home ? If anyone wonders how bad the harassment of Larry Gibson really was , well , let me tell you a little story . It 's about a nineteen year old girl who went with her family to spend the Fourth of July with Larry and a large group of mountaintop removal protestors on Kayford Mountain for Larry 's annual Fourth of July festival . That nineteen year old girl was me and I was brand new to the movement . I 'd met Larry a couple of times before but didn 't know him well . He welcomed my family - my mother , my brothers , my grandparents , and me - with open arms , like he 'd known us forever . Not much for crowds , I retired to my tent early on to write . Larry had warned us all earlier that day that there could be some disturbance from locals who didn 't like what Larry stood for . While I was squirreled away in my tent , some of those locals showed up . I could hear raised voices from inside the tent and , afraid of getting involved in something potentially dangerous , I stayed where I was while our group was verbally assaulted by several locals . One of them was a large man who decided to express his disdain for us by eating several of the hotdogs we 'd grilled while a female friend of his poured tomato juice all over our picnic area . They shouted vicious things at our group and at Larry , prompting my grandfather to place himself protectively in front of Larry . My grandfather told me later that he put himself in the line of fire hoping that one of them would hit him , so he 'd have a real complaint to take to the police , since they wouldn 't listen to anything else . When I emerged from my tent , the troublemakers had gone and we all tried to go about our celebration and pretend that nothing had happened . As Larry explained , it wasn 't the worst thing that could have happened , which was of little comfort to us when it began to rain . My mother , my brothers and I were huddled together in a tent that leaked , none of us getting much sleep while locals roared their cars and four - wheelers past our camp all night long and shouted expletives and threats at us . After that night , I never doubted any claim Larry made of violence against him and his property and family . Larry lived on what little remained of Kayford Mountain , which was his family 's ancestral home . He placed his fifty acres in a land trust that prevents it from ever being strip - mined , though underground mining still takes place . That fifty acres is all that 's left of over 500 acres owned by Larry 's family , most of which has been taken and destroyed by a mining company by way of a broad form deed that sold the mineral rights to the property , signed with an " X " by one of Larry 's ancestors . Larry would take all of his visitors to a place called " Hell 's Gate , " a point where you could look out at the destruction of Kayford Mountain . The first time Larry took my family to Hell 's Gate , I was shell - shocked . There are no words to describe the site . People tried to describe the horror of it to me before I went , but nothing that anyone said could have prepared me for the sight of a mountain that had been nearly leveled . They don 't call it mountaintop removal for nothing . Kayford 's mountaintop is gone . Even worse was when Larry pointed out a patch of green that resembled an island , raised above the rubble and waste . He explained that it was his family 's cemetery , which the company was not allowed to destroy , but was now incredibly difficult to reach . Larry 's ancestors are buried in that " protected " cemetery . It made me sick to my stomach and I knew I had to find a way to join the fight . Every time I saw Larry , he smiled and hugged me and encouraged me to stay involved . He was very concerned about getting young people to join the movement , because he said that we were the ones who would have to carry on the fight after he was gone . It never really occurred to me that one day we wouldn 't have Larry to lead the charge . He was such a powerful personality that it made me believe Larry would always have my back in this fight . Now I 'm twenty - two and still fighting . A little over a year ago , one of my heroes , Judy Bonds , passed away from cancer . Her death had a huge impact on the movement . I had only just escaped the melancholy that settled on me on the anniversary of her passing . With one powerful person gone , I know the vast majority of people in the movement looked to Larry for inspiration and guidance . I don 't use the word " hero " lightly . Larry fit the word in every sense . If a person grew weary of the fight , they only needed to go to Larry to get that metaphorical fire lit under their ass . Larry didn 't just ask you to fight , he told you flat out that it was your responsibility to fight and to fight hard . I was not expecting to come home Sunday evening to news of Larry 's passing . In fact , I had no reason to expect that he would leave us any time soon . At sixty - six years old , he was lively and loud , though I was not under the illusion that he was in prime health . My mother and I pulled into the driveway of our home after a trip to the grocery store and we were met by my stepfather , who broke the news to us . My mother broke down in tears . For me , the news was so out of the blue that I wasn 't sure how to react . The first thing I did was rush to my computer to uncover the facts about the situation . I found out that Larry had indeed passed away . He 'd had a heart attack while working on his beloved mountain . I suppose he would have wanted to die up there but I 'm sure he wasn 't planning on it happening so soon . He still had work to do , the responsibility for which has now been thrust upon his family and friends . Activist and photographer Paul Corbit Brown took a video of Larry a few days before his death , in which Larry spoke of his love for Kayford Mountain . Kayford was not quite heaven , he said , but up there , he was one step up - one step closer to heaven . That 's testament to how much he loved that place , considering that most of it was already gone . Larry must have remembered Kayford the way she used to be , wild and rich with life . I can 't say what happens after this life , if we continue to another life or return to the earth , but one way or another , I hope that Larry was reunited with Kayford . There 's so much to say about him . Physically , he was a small person and had an unassuming appearance . If it wasn 't for the neon green shirt and hat that he wore everywhere , he would have been an easy person to overlook . It was the fighting passion inside him that made him such a memorable person . He wanted to fight for Kayford , for every mountain in Appalachia , and he poured his heart and soul into it . He made sure that no one ignored him , going out on the road to speak all around the country and spread the word of the threat of strip - mining in Appalachia . People said he looked like a highlighter out in public , clearly visible in his trademark green , which he said he chose because it caught peoples ' attention . The shirt and hat , now owned by many of us in the movement , bear the information for Larry 's foundation , The Keepers of the Mountains . " Love ' em or leave ' em , just don 't destroy ' em , " he said . He wanted to win the fight against big coal and see a stop put to mountaintop removal more than anything . It makes me hurt and angry to know that he won 't get to see the final chapter of the story . He won 't be there when mountaintop removal is finally abolished . It will feel so strange to celebrate that victory without him or Judy Bonds to get up in front of us all and tell us that we did it ; we won against all odds . That 's all the more reason to keep fighting . If I count Larry as a dear friend , which I do , I know that I can 't throw in the towel now . It 's time to step up and carry the torch onwards , to make sure that our voice is not lessened just because Larry 's not here to clear the way in highlighter green . All that being said , I miss Larry and it hurts so much to know that I 'll never see him again . He 'll never give me another hug , or tell my mother what a pretty daughter she has . Larry was special to me and my family . We counted ourselves as his people , people from Appalachia who were tired of being quiet , and it is like losing a family member now that he is gone . I thought I would get to see him soon in DC and I was looking forward to it . I feel hollow knowing that he won 't be here to lead us anymore . Larry 's passing only strengthens my resolve . I want the world to hear his story and know the true cost of coal . I want everyone to hear about the suffering of the Appalachian people and our beloved mountains . Larry 's home was destroyed . The forests he explored as a child were demolished , his mountain was leveled , and yet our government thinks that this is okay . Worse than that , this has happened to over five hundred mountains in Appalachia , and more all of the time . In Larry Gibson 's honor , I refuse to back down and allow the greedy rich to have their way . As Larry would say , it 's my job and it 's your job to see this through . It doesn 't matter if you live here or you don 't , if you 're a transplant or a native , or if you live on the other side of the world . Everyone should care about this , and everyone should want to preserve and protect the Appalachian Mountains . I know what Larry meant when he said that being on Kayford was " one step up . " There is something divine about these mountains , about the land I have loved since I was a small child , and I have felt that strong connection to it that Larry had . Imagine the most important thing to you in this world , the one thing that you keep in your soul , so deeply ingrained in your being that it defines you . Then you will understand what it is like for me and for Larry , to love this place . Maybe then you 'll want to join us and carry on Larry 's legacy , to move us ever closer to a world where these mountains are protected for future generations . This is an invitation . If you 're not already involved , stop wondering whether or not this is your fight and jump into the fray . It is not an easy fight . People will try to hold you back every step of the way . They 'll call you a liar and many less pleasant names , they 'll try to label you as an outsider who has no right to speak up , but no matter where you live , you are not an outsider . Larry would have wanted you with us . Join us and help us keep the mountains . |
Would you like to go to the show to night ? If you do please get your self ready . I will be down by 8 o � clock to night if the train is on time if it is not on time , you have to wait if you don � t want to go alone of course . Yours truly , J . F . You were looking for me to day I know . I am sorry for you that you had to look in vain , but I promised to Will I come out to him to day so I went out there . I was not out there for a long time . I wish that you could be there too . I was thinking about you most of the time , and what a nice time could have , if we were together . I hope you spent the day the best you could . Now don � t be mad at me , you know that I love you , it was very hard for me to stay a way , our next meeting will be so much more happier , don � t you think so . I expect to be down next Saturday evening if nothing else turns up . I hope Mrs . Hetlich will get over her spell by that time or Sat . She got another one already . I hope you are in good heath and humor . I would be very glad to get an answer from you , if you feel like to write to me . I received your most welcome letter Monday afternoon . I was pleased to hear from you . I looked for you until about three o � clock Sunday , and as you did not come I made up my mind that you had worked Saturday night and that you - - - the day in , sleeping . I will tell you how I put in the time . After dinner was over I went out walking with Maggie for about an hour and then I came home and did some mending for Henry which took me about an hour and a half ; it comes quite handy for a boy to have a sister some times . Don � t you think so ? After supper I went to church with Auntie and Maggie . Although my time was occupied I was thinking about you , but you need not worry about me being mad for I am not the least bit mad . I received your letter Saturday evening and I must say I was disappointed because I was sure to see you that evening . You say in your letter you don � t know when you would be back again , so I did not answer until now . I am working nights this week , and getting along all right . I went out to Will � s Sunday before last , and last Sunday I was at home all day reading . I hope you had a good time out in the country among your hayseed friends , are you at home again . I know you are looking for a letter from me so I want to write to you . I am sorry for you if you expected to see me last Sunday . I had to work all night Saturday , and Sunday I slept most of the time , I spend some time mending my clothing I was thinking about you the same time . It was such a nice day , but I never left the house . I was dreaming about you in the afternoon . I saw you walking on the street , all alone with your brown dress on , is that it ? I hope you had a good time if you were out . How is Onkel getting along ? The mill is running nights again I do not know how long . I expect to be down next Saturday evening if I don � t have to work . Dear Jake , I wrote this letter last but have not mailed it yet and am glad I did not mail it for I did not get to go to the country as I expected and am not very sorry for it for I would rather be at home Sunday if you can possibly come down tomorrow evening I would be very glad to see you . I will take this letter to the post office so you will be sure to get it tomorrow . Scuse my poor writing for I wrote in a hurry . Goodbye till I see you . Yours truly , Louisa I thought I would write you a few lines to let you know that I will not be home Sunday . I am going in the country this afternoon . I do not know when I will get back . I hope you will not be mad about it . I would like to see you but you know I have promised to go to the country so you will have to pass your time away best you can . You might employ part of your time next Sunday in writing to me I would be pleased to hear how you are getting along . I remain as your true love . I would very much like to take you to the ball . It will take place on the 20 of Feb if you can arrange it so you can go to it . I wish you would go . You say you are working nights I hope you will not need to work Saturday night so that you can come to see me Saturday evening for I am very anxious to see you again , just think it is going on three weeks since I have seen you . You told me last Sunday that I promised to write a silly letter to you . I forgot all about it last week , so I will make up and write to you . Now you can take this for a silly or a sensible letter , but it is the truth all the same , and if you don � t believe it I will make you believe . I do not know how to start in , but the best I can do is to tell you that I love you more than anybody in this crooked world , how do you like that do you believe it ? I hope you do . I told you that before and I like to prove it to you . I would never have asked you to be my wife if I did not love you . Because I would not get married for anything else , and I am going to marry you in spite of all the sisters in law I got if you have no objection . I am old bachelor and that sort of an animal is very apt to get crank once in a while but you must not pay any attention to it . He will likely make a pretty fair husband . I love you straight and true like a man should do not like a silly schoolboy . I do not believe in a romantic love , that sort doesn � t last long , don � t you think so too ? Now if you made up your mind to be openhearted and true to me as I am to you , there will be no trouble to get along all right . I don � t know whether I have told you all this before or not , but it will do no harm I think . It is my intention to make you as happy as possible , of course you don � t expect that time will pass smooth and nice all the time without a scrap once a while . It makes life more interesting anyhow . I am thinking of you most of the time , and how nice it will be , when we have our next build . Well I will shorten this silly letter , so you don � t get tired reading . I been writing this in the mill I have to work tonight . I do not know how long it will last . If this letter makes you laugh I hope it will do you lots of good . I was somewhat surprised at getting such a long letter from you and it pleased me very much to hear you speak the way you did , but I must say that this is the first love letter you have written me , in your other letters you wrote like a mere friend , and not a lover . You say you love me and are true to me . I believe it but you do not seem to think that I am true to you . But I am sure that a girl cannot be more true than I am and have been to you the last nine months . Of course I have not been speaking very much about how much I love you , for I think it is a man � s place to make love to the girl and not the girl to the young man . But up till now , you have spoken but very little about love to me and you know now I am � so du mir so ich dir . � You and I were visiting with noon after and I got a bunch of - - - of which - - - - - - you a We have a new boarder and it is a man - - - that I hope it will be so that - - - - - - come to see me - - - - - - to I will be looking for you . So come if you do not � to - - - and - - - noted - - - come please � and your letter soon . Well I must � for this - - - - hope to see - no hear - from you soon . I am very sorry that I have to disappoint you again , but it is not my fault . I had to work Sunday night . I worked Friday night and it was my intention to come down Saturday evening but I did not feel good when I got up , so I was to come down Sunday . Sunday morning we received a telegram from the old man that we had to start up the mill Sunday evening . I was mad I did not like it at all , I never do know when I have to work nights . This is one reason that I never can tell you for certain when I can come down , you have to get used to it , that is the best advice I can give you , and not to get disappointed . Now do you like this kind of weather ? We had a big fire here last week . The city hotel and the bank burned down , no lives lost . I expect to be down next Saturday , if nothing else turns up . I hope you are well . Minnie was here and she wanted Auntie and I to go up town with her , but I stayed at home waiting for you to come , and when they came home and found you had not come , you should have heard Minnie tease me . She declared you went to see some girl in Tonga . She was in very good humor . Jake what do you think about my staying down here and getting employment ? I have been looking for a job but until now have not been successful in finding one , but perhaps by the first of May I will be able to find something to do . But I guess I will go home tomorrow and wait until then and if by that time I can get a job I will return . Now don � t you think that would be nice ? You could ride on the cars that much farther , every Sunday , when you come to visit me . Last Sunday was not a pretty day but nevertheless I was out in the afternoon , having a good time . Mrs . Montgomery took Ollie , Flora and I to the theatre , while there I was thinking about you and wishing that you were with me . Oh but I forget you do not attend theater but church on a Sunday in the evening my thoughts were with you , was wondering how you were passing away the time if you were having a love spat with another girl but I guess not . I will surely be home Saturday , if not before . So come to Lawrence Saturday evening if you can , or else on Sunday . For I am anxious to see you again in case you cannot , be sure and write me a long letter Sunday . Undoubtedly you will be surprised to hear from me at this place but perhaps Mrs . Chinzsler told you I went to S � as she was at the depot when I left Lawrence . I also saw two of Mrs . Elliot � s daughters while I was waiting for the train to pull in . I had a good notion to send you a message through them , but as I did not know them to speak to , I thought I had better not . I arrived here a quarter after five Wednesday evening and just think I found the way from the depot to Montgomery � s all alone . Mrs . Montgomery is in very poor health . She is under the doctor � s care ; she is not able to do her work . She has a girl to do her work . The doctor says that she is in a bad condition and if she is not careful she will go into consumption . He thinks a change of climate would be the best medicine and he advised her to go to Denver Colo . As soon as she can get ready to leave . I hope you have got over being mad by this time . Oh , by the way , how did you enjoy yourself at KC Monday ? Did your old girl say she was pleased to see you ? And did she give you a smatz well . I guess she did � not . I wrote the letter Thursday evening and Friday Lizzie and I went uptown and I mailed the letter . On our way home I , that is , Lizzie and I , called on Francis Hentwig and when I told her how long I had been in KC she says to me , you � re a nice one , have been down here so long and have not been to see me and she wanted me to spend a few days with her . I told her that I was expected home the next day and that I could not stay and Lizzie give it away , she told her that I had just mailed a letter to my fellow and he was the one expecting me home . So she says well that can easily be remedied if it is your fellow and not your aunt that � s expecting you home . So she gave me a postal card and said , I should tell you I would spend Sunday in KC . At first I would not listen to it , but she finally persuaded me to write as I did , for all I had a good time Sunday . I often thought of you , wondering how you were passing away the time and wished you were with me now Jake don � t be made at me for staying as long as I did . I should be very sorry if you are , but if you are we will kiss and make up the next time you come down won � t we ? Just think this is the third letter I am writing to , to your none . We are having company from Sioux City , Iowa . Mrs . Protch with her two sons and little girl . They moved away about two years ago and now they are moving back again . I received both your letters and also your postcard . Your first letter surprised me and the second letter hurt me very much . I did not expect that from you that you can just leave . In your letter you write that you are not homesick and you wanted me to know that . That doesn 't show you in a good light . I would have not done anything like that . You act like I was tired of you ; I have never said that . My love to you is still the same . It feels like you want to be rid of me . The little misunderstanding we had last Sunday would not have made you so bull headed if you really loved me . Your staying in Kansas City shows that you don 't love me . I was looking forward to seeing you , but when I received your postcard I felt like someone dumped water all over me . On that certain Sunday I was just as much at fault as you were . You didn 't allow me anymore than any other girl would allow her fiancee . You get angry at any little remark I make . You know that I get into my moods sometimes . Whoever talked you into moving to Kansas City ? It looks like you were bored in Lawrence . You write that it would be nice for me to come to Kansas City every weekend . I have to say that you are getting awfully smart . I think you are more worried about yourself than anyone else . In Kansas City you can do as you please . If you can 't get along with your aunt anyway you might as well work in Lawrence . I have always loved you with all my heart and was always honest with you and I am still honest with you even if you don 't believe this . Therefore I am telling you now if you are moving to Kansas City then we are through . Think about your decision and let me know by Saturday . Here is the letter I promised you . You have to excuse if it is short , but we are working nights and there is not much happening . You can only see the stars and the moon if it is shining which it is not . Otto Fischer and Con ? ? ? ? Really went to see Will last Sunday but couldn 't stay very long . I received a letter yesterday from a friend in Texas . The grass is growing and the trees are turning green and my love to you is growing also . I didn 't take any money to the bank because I didn 't have any to take . My dear Louise , you probably I think I am stupid for all the stuff that I am writing , but you wanted a letter from me . I am so glad that we made up again . It hurts me every time we ~ , have a fight . I am feeling well and hope the same from you . We have had company every day this week . You know I was looking for Bertha lef Kintzeler . Well she was here on Tuesday and stayed a whole half an hour . We were watching the people going to and from the wedding . It took place at seven o � clock and the style , my ! It was out of sight . They wore dresses , all colors of the rainbow . We saw the bride also . I guess you think I was very much interested . Of course that is natural for me to be interested in weddings , as you know I expect to have a wedding of my own someday , but I do not intend to make a show of myself like the bride of last night . As you told me you would come down Monday night and not Sunday , I will not be looking for you Sunday so enjoy yourself the best you can . With this I must close . Goodnight When your letter reached me yesterday , it took me by surprise . Before I opened the letter I thought sure that it was a joke on me , by one of the boys in the mill for the handwriting did not look anything like yours . It was more like that of a bookkeeper � s handwriting and then again I thought I was getting a new correspondent . Why did you not get Mr . Love or whoever it was , to write the letter for you also ? Was it because I changed so much or is it because he does not know how to write � love letters � . No doubt you � d drank only one glass of beer . Monday but you know there is any but difference in the size of glasses . Some are small while others are very large . I think you must have used the large glass . Dear Louisa , I am sure my postcard on Monday disappointed you very much . It wasn 't my fault . It wouldn 't have been any fun to go to the circus after all this rain . I asked the boss on Saturday evening if we would work on Monday night , but he told me he didn 't know for sure . You can never get a straight answer from him . If the weather is nice next Sunday maybe we can go for a drive or go for a nice walk . I was thinking about coming to see you last Sunday , but you wrote that you were not expecting me so I stayed here . Will drove his wife to the Depot and then I went home with him and stayed there until 5 : 00 o ' clock . After supper I wrote two letters ; one to my brother Edward and one to my friend in Texas . I am going to put some money in the bank this week . I should get paid for a whole month . I feel sorry for you that you are poor as a church mouse . I would love to help you out but you wouldn 't accept my help . So Miss Kintkeo ? ? ? came to see you for half an hour . Her time must be very valuable . Next time you go see her do the same thing to her . How are you doing ? I hope fine . I read the story about the wedding in the newspaper . I figured it would interest you , like it does all young girls . Old bachelors like me don 't worry about things like that . Well , I have to make my rounds through the mill ; I will probably have to work nights all week . I received both your letter and postal card , was very glad to hear from you . Your card did not reach me until Tuesday morning , saying you could not come Monday evening . I would have been very much disappointed had it not rained . It began to pour down in torrents about six o � clock and rained for an hour . So that is the reason I was not looking for you to come , not because I received your card . I was very much put out when it rained so hard , not that I cared so much for the circus , but to think that I was going to be cheated out of seeing you . But then I am not blaming you , as it was no fault of yours . The reason I wrote that I was not looking for you last Sunday was because you told me you were not coming Sunday but Monday instead . Now you know well enough that I did not want you to stay away , for I am pleased to see you at all times . I was home all day Sunday � and a long day it was � also all evening and all alone by � my own self � . I had a letter from my Emporia friend this morning . I have not been feeling well all week but am feeling better now . Please excuse the lateness of my letter , you might possibly not get it unless you go to the office tomorrow evening , but then we will see each other Sunday and say all we have to say personally . Be sure and come if you can possibly for I am anxious to see you again . I am sorry if this letter will be very short . I don 't have a lot of time but I want to keep my promise and write to you . We started working nights on Wednesday . I couldn 't even go to the wedding . Will went to Lawrence in the evening and his wife went in the afternoon . Ida came to the mill before she went to the train station , but she didn 't say one word about the wedding . I didn 't get an invitation ; they just overlooked me as if I didn 't exist . I will do the same thing to them when our time comes . I do to you like you do unto me . Don 't you go along with this , darling ? Dear Louisa , as you can see we don 't belong to the upper crust , but I think we are just as good as they are , it did upset me a little . I wouldn 't have gone to the wedding anyway even if they would have sent me an invitation . Well , enough of that I am sure you were thinking about the wedding , too . My thoughts were with you . Did you think a little about me ? Please save the newspaper for me . I am sure there was a big write - up about the wedding in it I don 't know for sure if I can come next Sunday . If I am not there by noon don 't expect me . If I can 't make it then please answer this letter next week . I received your letter and I was so happy to get such a long one . You write that I should write you a love letter . This is easier said than done . I would also like to get a love letter from you just for an example . You told me once that it wasn 't the girl 's job to make love but the man 's . I would like to know who put this in your head . I wouldn 't like for you to make love to anyone else . Here in Kansas the ladies are supposed to have the same rights as the men ; therefore they can be the initiator and seduce the men . So don 't be shy . If I was a writer I would write you a love letter that would make you dizzy . But I don 't think you expect that from me . I am glad you had fun last Sunday . You couldn 't have spent your day more useful . I am sorry I couldn 't be with you . I had a terrible headache on Sunday so I decided not to come . In the afternoon I got to feeling a little better and then I wished I would have come to see you but then it was too late . I thought about visiting Will but I stayed at home and read and laid around . I read all your love letters again even though I read them normally two or three times before I put them into my trunk . After supper I went for a walk around the village and I thought about you how nice it would be if we were together . Mrs . Kinzler and Metz came to the house for a visit in the afternoon . They evidently talked about you . Mrs . Pierce told me later that Bertha said that you were such a pretty and hard working girl . If your aunt would have heard that . As you can see other people think more highly of you than your aunt and I agree with them . I didn 't hear one word about Otto 's wedding . I didn 't ask Will and he didn 't say anything . Will just said that he was upset that they didn 't send me an invitation . I told Will that I didn 't really expect an invitation , but if they would have any manners they would have sent me one . I wouldn 't have gone anyway . I am sure Will told Eda and she probably let the right people know . II is raining every 24 hours . I am working nights . I haven 't been feeling well for a while . I hope you will be satisfied with the length of this letter . I promise you that I will visit you next Sunday for sure as I am homesick for you . The young folks of the Turnverein got up a party and are going to give Otto and his wife a surprise at the Turner hall this evening . The boys of the house have already gone to the hall . I received an invitation this morning , but am not going , being you are not here to go with me . The papers did not have very much to say about the wedding . I cut out a couple of items , which I will send you in this letter . Yesterday was a very pretty day and I was in hopes until noon that you would come down to Lawrence , but noon came but no Jake . It would have been a lonely Sunday had it not been for Henry � s coming to take me out walking in the afternoon . I believe we walked at least three miles , after supper , I went out again with uncle and auntie . It was after nine when we got home . My ! But I was tired , my feet felt as though they were blistered when I reached home . Had you been walking with me I know I would not have thought of being tired for I never get tired when in your company ; my thoughts were with you many a time while I was out walking , wondering what you were doing all day and if you were thinking about your Louisa of the � back woods � or if you were perhaps sleeping all day long without once thinking of her . I have never seen the river so high before . For a while there was danger of the bridge being taken . The Eudora bridge they were building was washed away . Your letter reached me yesterday afternoon about three o � clock . Was looking for one in the morning and at noon was watching for the mail carrier from one o � clock until three . I was cleaning the kitchen but did not make much headway , until your letter arrived and its contents read over a couple of times . After finding out what you had to say I felt happy and my work was much easier and more quickly done . You say the ladies want as much right as a man , don � t think it more than right that they should have , but I think they do not have near as much , nor ever will have . But when it comes to love making they generally do their part , at least to the man they love , having reference to myself . I have been encouraging you all I could , so that you should love me ; of course I did not propose to you for fear you would think me bold but gave you my answer readily , without hesitation which I would not have done , had I not loved you and you may rest assuredly that I will continue to do so . What do you think ? I saw a table dance tonight . The spirits were the cause of it . Auntie , Minnie , Mrs . Gnefgow and myself were down at Fischer � s this evening on purpose to see it done . Now I know you don � t believe in such nonsense but I think there is something in it . Mrs . Fischer was inquiring about you ; she wanted to know if you are coming Sunday , and if you are , you and I should come to see them . I am so glad Sunday is so near at hand , so you can come down to see me . Just think ! It will be two weeks since I have seen you . Dear Louisa , I received your nice letter from last Saturday and I enjoyed reading how you defend the female side . I am sorry that you waited for a letter at the beginning of the week . If nothing happens I will see you next Sunday . I was in Kansas City on Tuesday . I wanted to visit Montgomery 's but it was hot and dusty so I went back home the same evening . The mill was shut off at night this week so I asked the boss if I could take off a few days . I thought it would do me good to get a few breaths of fresh air . Yesterday afternoon I went to visit Will . Ms . Fischer , Anna and another girl were there . I will tell you in person how they received me . It takes too long to write it down . It was very interesting and I was very amused . That is all the news I have . I hope that all is well with you . I am always thinking about you with love in my heart . As always I hope you can read this letter . My pen wasn 't doing so well . Auf Wiedersehen I am sure that a little letter from me will surprise you . Therefore I am going to write you a few lines . To bring some excitement into our correspondence I am writing you in two colors . If it doesn 't suit your taste then you can just burn the letter but I don 't think you will do that . Maybe you think that I had one too many to drink . I did drink today but only one glass of beer . The mill is not running today . If I would have known this I would have stayed in Lawrence . I was really upset about it . It really was hot today . You must have really been sweating , poor girl , I would have liked to have wiped the sweat off your forehead . Don 't burn your hands on the iron . I almost forget to tell you that I dreamed about you last night . I wished it was Saturday already just to be near you . When I came to Mrs . Fischer 's house this morning she had already done the laundry . She must have gotten up really early . I think Will and his family is also going to Lawrence next Sunday . We had a lot of rain last night . I don 't think that we will be working this week at night , which makes me very happy . If I decide to buy me a new suit then I will be in Lawrence on Saturday afternoon . I received your nice letter . I was very amused about what you said about the mill . If you ever saw a mill like that then you have seen more than I did . My darling , my boss killed my plans again . I had to work tonight and I think I have to work tomorrow night . If I am not there by 8 : 30 p . m . then don 't count on me . I hope the weather stays nice so our plans don 't get ruined . I think it will be cooler after this much needed rain . It has been raining since seven o � clock . It is now past nine and it is still raining . Auntie , Rieke , and a half a dozen others took a trip east this morning just think how far they went , all the way to Eudora . They went at eight o � clock this morning and got home at seven this evening . It being so warm today made them all very thirsty , they say they drank a good bit of Eudora mineral water . I think it must have had a stick in it . I also saw a snake in the yard last Monday evening and I took a hatchet and killed it . Wasn � t I brave ? They say if you kill the first snake you see in the season , it will bring good luck . When that good luck comes I will share it with you . Won � t that be nice ? Tonganoxie must have a good many jealous hearted people . I feel sorry for any one that is jealous hearted , for it causes so much unhappiness . I think that woman very foolish for trying to kill herself . That is something I never intend to do , but then one never knows what the future will bring . Henry has written several letters to Philip and I this week . He was sick a bed the next day after his examination , but says he is well again and that he has not been so happy for a long time . He sent his best regards to you and says he is very sorry he did not get to see you before he left . Yes , Jake , I am always dreaming about the future and thinking of the happiness that is in store for me . Come down to see me Sunday if you can . Rieke is going home Sunday and I know you would like to bid her goodbye . Auntie says to tell you need not be figuring on a black suit . She is not going to kick the bucket yet . I must close , as there is no more room to write . I have to tell you a gruesome story which happened last Sunday while I was gone . This is it : An older lady hanged herself but her husband found her before she died and cut the rope . It took quite a while before she became conscious . Her husband owns a newspaper here in town . He is quite old and gray haired . The reason for her suicide attempt was jealousy . Just think two old people and they are jealous . They had a maid living with them and evidently the husband paid the maid too much attention . On Monday evening four atheists were baptized in the Tonga river and freed of their sins . The whole town of Tonganoxie was present to take part in that big event . I couldn 't be there since I had to work . The mill will probably be running all week . How is your aunt doing ? I hope she doesn 't have any more crazy ideas like she had last Monday . It is very hot here . I have a hard time sleeping in the day time . Other than that I feel pretty good . I hope you are in dreamland and dreaming about your Jake while I am writing this letter . I am constantly thinking about last Sunday and how much fun we had together . I thought I better write you a letter so you don 't think I wouldn 't keep my promise . You have to excuse my writing . It looks like I used a match stick and shoe polish like the Chinese people write . I want you to know that I love you even though in this heat I can hardly think straight . I am glad that you love me too and I know that it is very hot where you are . So we are both in the same situation . Be happy with this short love story . I just wanted you to know that everything I do for you I do because I love you . In my next letter I will tell you more about this . Last Saturday we had more excitement here in town . A wife beat up her husband in boxer style . She is huge . I know them both . Yes , I think Tonganoxie is turning into a big city . I don 't think we will be working nights this week , but I don 't know for sure yet . Did John get any people together yet for the picnic ? I hear Pendleton went bankrupt . Please let me know in time . I will let you know on Saturday if I can come . Stay well and happy . I am ending this letter now since it is so hot and I can 't think anymore . Uncle is in a very ban humor . I guess he has been smelling the cork , freely . Mr . Morris is boarding here ; his wife went to Colorado . I don 't really know what to write to you . I know you want a letter even if I only write nonsense . Well , I guess I will tell you what happened since Tuesday morning . I arrived happy and healthy at the Depot . I had to wait for the train until10 : 00 o ' clock . It made me mad that I wasted so much time at the station in Lawrence instead of spending it with you . In the afternoon I had to work very hard , so I went to bed really early . The next day we were very busy and tonight I have to work again . I heard that the picnic on the 4th of July was a big success and that they made quite a bit of money on their sales . They said that they had a dance Grove without lights just in the moonlight and mostly farm boys in shirt sleeves were there . How about the fishing trip next Sunday ? Did you get the details yet from John ? Let me know if nobody wants to go . We can also go alone which is fine with me . Maybe Phillip would like to go . Try to let me know by Saturday evening . How are you and your aunt and great aunt doing ? I hope very well . I hope to see you soon and that you are in a good mood . Sorry this letter is so short . Don 't punish me with a short letter like you normally do . Your most welcome letter reached me this afternoon . Was pleased to hear from you but sorry to know you spent so much time at the depot Tuesday morning when you could have just as well spent that time with your girl from the back woods , but perhaps it was just as well for she had to pitch in and help wash after you left . The wash woman has not showed herself yet this week . I had a letter from Henry this week . He intends to leave Lucas in a short time . A friend of his stopped off here to see him about taking his job , but as Henry had left , he wrote to him and I think Henry will take it . All aboard ! For the picnic , John has got a small crowd together . Charley Achning and wife Emma Achning and Leotholtz . Be sure to come tomorrow evening and we well take a moonlight walk . Lawrence that will be F . A . R . has been out in the country helping to load wheat . It sells for 8 cents a bushel . Philip and I spent the evening with our cousin that you met here not many Sundays ago . We got home rather late so I have not much time to write as it is getting very late . It is time for all honest folks to be in bed and the rogues on their way . As the old saying goes , if you dare you have half won the battle and every beginning is hard and that how I feel about writing this letter . But since you demanded a letter I have to write you one . It is too bad how the ladies can get the men to do everything they want them to . I never would have thought that I would become a victim , but I can 't resist your eyes . Arrived in Tonga O . K . and the train wasn 't late this time , in fact I almost missed it . It has been so hot here yesterday and today that it really is no fun . I thought about you how you have to stand in that hot kitchen . I bet you got hot on Monday when you did the laundry . Are you doing well or do you have a hang - over from the picnic ? I thought it was a lot of fun . Received a letter from Ed yesterday . He informed me that he is getting married and his wife to be is German and has only been in the country for about two years and she is 22 years old . That is all I know about her . Ed is 23 years older than she is . I never thought that Ed would ever get married . He is 45 years old . Must be a late bloomer like it happens sometimes with old bachelors . So you see there is not such a great difference in our ages . I better stop talking about my brother 's wedding before you get the idea that I should talk about our wedding . I will as soon as the weather gets cooler . Don 't you agree ? Let 's not rush into things . Has your aunt heard anything about the position as a superintendent ? Maybe you can get a job there as a dishwasher ? Ha ! Ha ! Excuse my bad jokes . I better quit writing , my mind is blank and I am tired even though it is only 9 : 00 p . m . That is always your excuse saying that it is late , you just have to start writing earlier . I might feel better if I had a drink , but since I don 't have one I will end this letter . I received your nice but very cold letter . Guess you can 't handle any teasing , so I better not do that again . Yes , you are right , I have not been anybody 's slave and I don 't intend to be anyone 's either . You evidently have the same philosophy as Will 's future wife that it is better to be an old man 's darling than a young man 's slave . Did the female professor visit you before she saw Will 's girlfriend ? I didn 't even know that she was in town until I saw her from the mill at the depot . So you see she didn 't come to see me . It would be a surprise if I came to Lawrence one day and the hotel was closed . I would have to find me a new place to stay and what would poor Louisa do ? I couldn 't afford to come last Sunday . Don 't listen and worry what other people think or say . I just stayed at home and rested and read . Thought about visiting Will but I was too lazy besides I had to work Friday night . We had a lot of rain here . I did have a funny dream the other night . I dreamed that we were in the hotel together and you took off with another man . I looked for you everywhere but I couldn 't find you . When I came back to the hotel room there were a bunch of old women and they tried to make me feel better , but it didn 't work . You might want to check in the dream book to see what it means . Probably nothing good . Hope you had a good Sunday and maybe thought about me a little . My thoughts were with you all the time so don 't worry that I didn 't think about you . I am sorry to hear that you lost your appetite ; maybe it fell into the cooking pot . Ha ! Ha ! Jake , don � t think for a minute that I am mad about your making jokes in your letter of last week , for I took it as a joke and what I wrote in answer to it was also meant for a joke . So Minnie Priesach did get a chance to call on you too bad , is it not ? Sunday was quite a long day for me , for all I had company both in the afternoon and evening . My thoughts were with you most all times of the day , supposed you were putting in the day sleeping , until you wrote me different . The heat of this week has been just terrible . Today it � s hot and still a - heating . But it is not too hot for me to write for I am not thinking of the heat just now my mind is occupied with something more important . I will be looking for you next Sunday , you will not regret coming for it is going to be ever so much cooler in Lawrence next Sunday than in Tonganoxie . If you find a little spare time yet this week wish you would drop me a few lines . With love , from your old girl , Louisa . Arrived ha y in the big city ! Had to work Monday night . This week we are out of wheat . We had to stop working twice this week already . Last night we had a hard rain for about two hours and it is nice and cool . This morning Lizie Retz came with her little brother from Lawrence to visit Will 's wife . Since it rained she had to wait for about an hour and I had to entertain her . She should have seen me . You would have turned blue from jealousy . I had to weigh her . She told me that she weighed 137 pounds last winter and now she only weighs 115 pounds . Last night they threw a black guy from Neely in jail . He was accused of raping a white girl . Two white guys tried to kill him . I tried to write to you last night but I waited until today hoping I would have some more news but nothing happened . Dear Louisa , I am so glad that half the week is already over and I can see you again on Sunday . Two weeks is a long time not to see you . I feel just like you do . I can think of nothing but you . So hopefully nothing will happen . If I am not there by 3 : 00 p . m . then don 't wait on me . I hope you are well and think about our happy future . Aunt and uncle went to the country this morning to hold open the sack so that we will get our share of wheat . The renters will start threshing sometime this afternoon . Auntie will return this evening but uncle will remain until they have finished . The Chicago men left for home yesterday afternoon , disgusted with the Kansas farmers . They both gave me an invitation to come to Chicago to the World � s fair and bring my fellow , the meant you , and stop with them . They thought my present fellow would be my husband next year this time . Are you of the same opinion ? Auntie was 52 years old yesterday . She received a number of presents , among them was one came from Tonganoxie from someone whose initials are J . F . I can � t imagine who that is . Do you know anyone by that name in your city ? Perhaps you don � t it is hard to get acquainted in such a large place . Not knowing any more news I will close , hoping to hear from you before long . From your own true love , Louisa . P . S . My ! Isn � t it warm today ? I received you dear letter last night . This letter will not be very long since I don 't have very much time . It was too hot last night to write . I am glad that you had a chance to be alone for a while . I got a card from the sports club yesterday asking me to be at the meeting on Sunday . Guess they can 't get along without me . The end of the week is approaching fast and I have to hurry to get a letter to you . I am working nights since Tuesday . Arrived here very happy last Sunday evening , tried to sleep a little in the car , but the bugs kept me awake . They don 't bother you anymore since you are used to them . I hope that you are not still upset with me about the little differences we had last weekend . I am sorry it happened . These things happen sometimes since we are no angels . Even angels are not without fault or do you think that you are perfect . I got a letter from Edward telling me that he bought a horse and buggy so he can drive his darling around . You probably wished you had a future husband like that , but I am sorry I didn 't get that far yet . We had a good rain . Don 't know for sure if I can come next Sunday . If I am not there at the usual time don 't expect me . Maybe I will go to Will 's house . Hope you are doing well . Give this card to your aunt to calm her nerves and yours if they need calming down . Your letter of last Saturday reached me in due time . Was a little disappointed to learn that you intended to spend Sunday in Tonganoxie or rather in the country . But then I cannot expect you to be here every Sunday and it is no more than right for you to visit your brother � s family occasionally . Sorry , the car you were in was so filled - - - - that you could not sleep . Although at times I think you queer and do not seem to understand you , I again think it is perhaps my fault and not yours altogether . I will admit that I felt quite angry at you in the manner you spoke the last Sunday you were here , but was over it before you left . Thank you for your nice writing . I was so happy to hear from you and it was such a surprise . We had a show in town and a lot of people went to it , but mostly mothers and their kids . Will 's wife and the boy were there also . They say it wasn 't that great , I didn 't go since I had to work . I hope you don 't think about going back to your aunt 's just because she was nice to you . It wouldn 't last long and it would be the same old story . You never had it very nice at her house . I am sorry to tell you that the train between Leavenworth and Lawrence is no longer running on Sundays . They say it didn 't bring enough money . Therefore I will not be able to see you next Sunday . You can sleep all Sunday . Hope to hear again from you soon . Your letter came to hand Wednesday noon . Am really sorry that you have such little confidence in me and think I do not care for you . But time will prove that I do care for you . John wants to go to the lake Sunday and would like to have you and I go with them . If you cannot come Saturday evening so as to go Sunday morning , please write and let me know tomorrow . I would be pleased to see you tomorrow evening if you can come , wish you would . Even though you didn 't ask me last Monday evening if I would write you a letter I thought I would surprise you with a little letter anyway . Don 't have any news to tell you . I arrived here in a good mood ; the western train was about 15 minutes late . We had a lot of rain here on Monday . Mrs . Fischer , Anna , Ms Fischer and another lady came up here last night and they left again today . Tuesday afternoon we almost had a big disaster , the boiler house started on fire . Will noticed it first . He and the engineer got the fire out with a few buckets of water . A lot of people went to Kansas City this week . How did you manage with your aunt on Monday - - did she know everything better ? I didn 't want to get into an argument with her so I kept my mouth shut . But I had my own thoughts . Speaking is silver , silence is golden ! I will probably work nights all week if we have enough water . I feel a lot better and if I can I will come to see you next weekend . Aunt had very little to say after you left Monday . We lunched together and after supper Minnie came over and wanted us to go to Feils with her so we went . But then she is not in a good humor . She finds fault with everything I do this week . It must be because she did not know of our engagement sooner or maybe she thinks you might tell her instead of sending a card . It tickled me last Monday to hear how she apologized and how good she was to offer you a lunch before you left . Now if she didn � t think she spoke cross to you she would never have apologized like she did . But she will have it that I am to blame . She says you never would have got mad , had I not said something to you after she went into the kitchen . � Poor me � Die Supe liegt ziemlich schwer im magen . Have been thinking all evening what I could write to you , but can 't think of anything new . Arrived at the depot on Monday and the train was 20 minutes late . That is 20 minutes I could have spent with you . Our train had 32 cars and the train was so long that the last car arrived 15 minutes in Tonganoxie after the locomotive . The creek in Tonga was swollen , but it went down . We are working at night as long as we can . Tomorrow is the initiation of the new hall . They sent me an invitation . It costs a Thaler . Do you have one for me ? Tomorrow our Sunday schools have an excursion planned for Leavenworth and the soldier 's home . I also got an invitation for the sports club meeting next Sunday . How are you doing ? I hope you are feeling better and if not then I have to come and see you and have a promenade in the moonlight or a water party . Don 't you think that would be great ? I don � t understand what you mean by saying someone else beside you reads the letters I send you . Have you discovered anybody reading them ? Or do you think someone opens them before you get them ? And who do you think would do such a thing as that ? Nellie Montgomery is visiting with us , she came last evening . John is in Topeka on business today and Minnie is spending the day with us . No doubt you have been looking for a letter from me before this but you will have to excuse me for putting it off so long , as my little finger pains me so that I don � t feel like doing anything . I feel crabbed and cross . Wednesday morning I almost cut my little finger off ; have put saline and salve on it right along bit it is not healing at all ; in fact it is more painful now than it was the day I cut it . I am doing all I can to get it cured for you know I don � t want a sore finger , when our wedding takes place . Now , Jake , had I received a letter from you it would have made me feel much better and would have forgotten my painful finger . But I really did not look for a letter from you for you said you did not intend to write until I had written to you . You are getting to be very particular about writing . But then I will excuse you , as I know you are so very busy that you do not find much time to write . Lawrence is booming , McIntire has put another story on the top of his one story building since you left and there was one fellow working on the building that had red hair . Oh ! But he was pretty ! Just as pretty as a mud fence . Philip was out in the country for three days this week , putting up a windmill . Amelia Thudium spent the evening with me yesterday , she is well and about half past eight o � clock the cyclones came out on the street to drill so Amelia and I went on the street , too , to watch them drill for a half an hour . Now I know you will be glad to know about her , as you occasionally inquire about her , but it is not her that I am worrying about ; it is that red headed girl over in Tonga . She better keep out of my way when I get over there or there will be some hair pulling done . I received your letter last Saturday evening . I was so happy to receive a letter from you without me writing to you first . I have been waiting for it since Thursday . I am so sorry that you had so much bad luck with your little finger . You probably thought about that red haired guy and that is why you cut your finger . As you see you got punished for not being faithful . If you would have thought about me then this wouldn 't have happened . You have to try to keep your finger dry and don 't have it in the dirty dishwater so you don 't get an infection . Your aunt can wash dishes for a few days . If you see Amalie tell her I said Hi ! Don 't forget to tell her . I got a letter from your brother Ernst last Saturday . He congratulated me and wrote a nice letter I have to show it to you . We haven 't had any water since Friday . We only work during the day and if we don 't have rain soon then we can 't work at all . I went to see Will yesterday and tasted his new wine . It tasted great Eda got an invitation to Emma Miller 's wedding but she doesn 't know yet if she wants to go . She told me that her mother was upset that she didn 't go to Marie Raetz 's wedding . She didn 't hear from home for about four weeks . Next Wednesday Barnum 's circus is coming to Leavenworth . I would love to go since I don 't have to work right now . Would you like to go ? I am inviting you and it would not cost you one cent . You could catch the 8 o ' clock train in the morning and get back home that same night . Write as soon as you can and let me know what you think about it . The mail closes at 3 : 00 p . m . in Tonganoxie . I will be waiting for you at the depot . You can look for me in the morning without fail unless something extraordinary happens . Auntie is willing I should go and she is just ready to go uptown and will carry this letter to the post office for me . With love , from Louisa In order to surprise you I thought I would drop you a few lines to let you know how I am . I feel much better than I did but could feel better . Am not quite so silly as I was yesterday afternoon , before you left . No doubt you thought me ready for some lunatic asylum , but am not quite ready to go there yet , for I act sill more foolish sometimes . Now , don � t you pity me ? Did you get to Tonganoxie in time to go to work at seven o � clock ? Or did the train stop to take a rest every half miles . Poor Jake was again shook up . It � s no wonder you are so poor fur every time you travel on that train , you lose at least two or three pounds of flesh . But all jokes aside I did enjoy my trip to Leavenworth ; also my companion , Jake , in spite of my headache . Didn � t you ? Since I don 't have anything else to do I thought I would write you a few lines . I would have rather come to see you on this nice day as I don 't know what to do with myself . I wouldn 't have this problem if I was with you . My thoughts are with you as always and I hope that you are thinking about me also . Last Thursday night the water lasted until 2 : 00 a . m . and that was all the night work for this week . I would love it if it wouldn 't rain for another week . I went to J ? ? ? ? . The parade is going to be on the 7th like I told you already . Please try to come on Tuesday evening ; the train is leaving Lawrence at 3 : 40 p . m . Please be so kind and get Will 's address in Kansas City for me . Ida would like to stop by Will 's but she doesn 't have his address . I hope the weather stays nice so we can have a few nice days together . I wished it was Tuesday already and you were here . It is too bad that you feel as though you are not welcome but then I cannot blame you as I know you are treated very cool by my dear aunt and I don � t see what reason she has for doing so . In regard to your eating her poor I don � t see that you eat such an awful lot and besides I don � t consider her rich . And all she needs to do is to tell you how much you are in debt to her and I feel sure that it will not be so much but what you are able to pay it . I did not write you about the show in my last letter for I wrote the letter before I went to the show . I enjoyed it very much , the little girls were dressed in all colors of the rainbow , Arabian style and were well trained . It was as good as any show that travels . Too bad you could not take in the show . Why did you not tell me that Annie Fischer was taking part in it ? She did some good dancing and singing . I was accompanied by Nellie and Philip . Nellie says I should tell you she is glad you did not come down Friday , so she could go to the show on your ticket . That � s just like her . She is every so much obliged to you . Sunday night I dreamt that your brother , Will was here to supper and that he was feeling down hearted . I asked him how you are getting along and he said Jake is getting disgusted working nights for ten dollars a week and that he is going to quit working for Bangs . Monday night I dreamt that we ( you and I ) lived on the farm and that you were hauling wheat to Lawrence and I was with you sitting on the wheat sacks . If you find time , wish you would write me another letter this week . Your ever loving Louisa You are probably waiting for a letter from me . I didn 't have a chance to write any sooner as I was very busy this week . The mill wasn 't running since Tuesday , but the engineer found a hole in the boiler . We had two boilers sent from Leavenworth and they had to cut out a piece on the boiler and add a new piece . We worked on it for two days and a night . I had to lay in a small place and hold the hammer against the boiler while two men on the other side were hammering against . All that noise and made me deaf and all my bones were aching from the force of them hammering against the boiler . Today a bricklayer from Lawrence worked on the furnace because they had to break down the walls to make room for the boiler . It was quite a job . Tomorrow we will start working again and then we should be busy for quite some time . The boss mentioned working next Sunday . So don 't wait for me . The next week will be a very long one . Try to make the best of it . Maybe you will have a red haired boy in your neighborhood . Ha ! We had a lot of rain . Will had to shoot his coIt . That is all the news I have from here . How is your finger ? I hope it is getting better and I also hope that you are doing well and that you think about me as I think about you . Write to me on Sunday and let me know how you are doing . I spent my time with reading and sleeping this afternoon and this evening I had company until almost nine o � clock , Amelia and Sophia Thlidium were here . Sophia and I took Amelia home . A nice little walk . Amelia � s back is much better but still very painful at times , am afraid she will have trouble with it for some time to come . She is having a red dress made . Don � t you think she will look pretty in red ? I know you do , for you like a dress of that color so well . She sends her kindest regards to you . Perhaps you will be surprised to hear that Minnie Burkley has kicked her husband out of the house but nevertheless it is true . He left Lawrence last Friday , he went home to his father in southern Kansas . Minnie claims that he has not drawn a sober breath for three months . Jake has been subject to fits for a number of years but Minnie would not believe it , when she was told before their marriage and Mrs . Gnefgow said the people were only mad because Minnie was getting a good husband . It is hard to see into family affairs , but I do feel sorry for Jake . Some folks say it is a shame the way Jake has been treated the last six months . That he has been treated more like a dog than a husband or son - in - law . You may feel sure that my future husband , Jake , will not be treated in such a manner . Mr . Olson came down from Topeka last night . She came to dinner with Philip today . I treated him as cool as possible , was not at all glad to see him . Please write as soon as you find a little spare time . With true and unfailing love , I remain yours , Louisa I was very happy to receive your letter with all the news . You have to forgive me that it took me so long to write last week . I worked for 7 1 / 2 days . The mill was running all the time even on Sunday . Will worked , too . The week seemed so long since I didn 't get to see you , but I hope to see you next Sunday unless the boss decides to make us work again . That would be terrible , don 't you think so ? It seems that you spent the weekend in good company . I would like to be there sometimes when Miss Studies visits you . You need to buy yourself a new dress , that might make your finger feel better . The news about your cousin Jack surprised me . I feel sorry for him that he has a wife with more fat than brain . She probably drove him to drinking . But at the same time I feel sorry for any girl who is married to a man with a drinking problem . I believe you that you will never treat me like that , but don 't forget that my name isn 't Jack Burkle either . I thought you would be happy to see your old lover again . You don 't have to be cold to him because of me . I hope to see and your finger well and happy next Sunday . Did you see the eclipse of the sun ? I am writing you a few lines so you don 't lose any sleep like last week . I don 't want you to be upset . I love you too much . I don 't have any news to tell you . People are so busy with politics these days . I brought the pants back home as the seamstress moved and I don 't know where . Mrs . Pierce was very happy to get your flowers and she said to tell you thank you . Nellie was there also . Tuesday morning I went to see Ida . I came back home on Sunday . She told me that she heard that your aunt was really upset with the Gnrefkones and didn 't have much good to say about them . She also said that Jake was foolish for not having left any sooner . They are having a dance here tonight and tomorrow night . How is your family doing , I hope well . Do you still have your finger ? I don 't know yet if I will be able to come down next Sunday . As I promised you I will write you a letter . It will be a short one since I don 't have a lot of time tonight . Tomorrow morning I have to work for Dreisbach . I have to work on the corn stone . I started working on it tonight but it will probably take me a few days . I am not stuck on the job . The evening newspaper wrote that Cleveland was elected . I won my $ 5 . 00 pair of shoes . ( Poor Jim ) I really feel sorry for him . He told me that he lost $ 100 . 00 in bets . Will won the best pair of shoes in Menger 's store in Bigsby . Menger lost about $ 20 . 00 but I don 't feel sorry for him at all . He was always shooting off his mouth as if he was eating a Democrat for breakfast every morning . I told Jim that the shoes would be my wedding shoes and he was very pleased . I asked everyone around here about the trash that I found in my pocket , but nobody admitted to doing it . I think Minnie stuck it in my pocket . The weather is not very nice today . How did the wedding cake taste ? I hope it was good . I am doing very well except that my feet are cold . The fire in the office went out ; therefore I better end this letter and hope you will get this in good health . No doubt you will be surprised to hear that Henry is not at Bennington but at Topeka . He was thrown out of a job on account of the drug stock being sold out . This job at Topeka is not permanent , he is only taking a sick clerk � s place until he is again able to attend to business . I went with Philip and aunt and uncle . There were about twenty five guests at the wedding . The ceremony took place at twelve o � clock . We got there about ten minutes before . Mr . and Mrs . Noll took the 3 : 50 train for Leavenworth . How about it , did you throw some rice or old shoes at them while they were passing ? Will tell you all the particulars about the wedding when you are here next Sunday . It would take too much space to write it all . I am glad it is so near Sunday again the time for you and I to see and talk with one another . Sunday is the happiest day in the week for me , when you are here . So sorry you had to wait for a letter for so long , but I really didn 't have any news . I took a little longer on Dreisbach 's corn stone . I finally finished it yesterday . Today I have to work all night Bigsby went to Oskaloosa to a party . My landlady and Mrs . Pierce went to Lawrence . Did you get to see them ? Don 't you agree that the weather is beautiful ? Your sleigh ride didn 't come about Sorry , that all your expectations don 't come true . Did your aunt spit out all her gallbladder on Monday so you can have some peace the rest of the week ? I hope you don 't take after her or I would declare the 30 year war . I don 't think I will come tomorrow . I will either go to Will 's house or I might go hunting . Mrs . Fischer invited me for Thanksgiving . I will come to see you then on Thursday . Will and his family will join us . We had a scandal in your religious circle . I will tell you about it later . Write to me next Sunday and think about me a lot . My thoughts will also be with you as always . I received your nice letter and will try to answer it . As I see you are in a good mood which makes me happy . Sorry you were a little late with your invitation . Maybe I need to invite myself , what do you think about that ? I didn 't go hunting last Sunday since I didn 't have any salt . Maybe you can give me some when I come to see you . I went to see Will and tasted his wine . He just finished building a smoke house . We feel like we can climb mountains unless our legs are too heavy from the wine . I got my shoes but I haven 't worn them yet . Maybe we will have nice weather on Thursday . Hope you are well and happy . No doubt Eda heard all about Minnie and Jake � s trouble , while she was in L . and I think I can guess who told her that . Auntie scolded about Gnefgows for Mrs . Hammert was here last Saturday morning and bean to talk about how sorry she felt for Jake being treated as he was and that she could not sleep any last Friday night after hearing how � poor Jake � ( as she said ) was treated by Gnefgows . Of course you know by what auntie told you last Sunday , that she is down on Gnefgows and the way she spoke to you , she also spoke to Mrs . Hammert . Did you attend the show or dance ? If so , hope you enjoyed it . But think you had your show and dance in the mill . My family , including myself , is not in the best of health . I have taken a very severe cold every bone seems to ache , have been cleaning house , think we will finish this week . Auntie says I should tell you that she would like to hire you as cook and dishwasher until our sores heal up . She tried to chop her hand off with a hatchet , but as it was so dull , did not succeed . Lucky to have dull instruments sometimes , is it not ? She did cut quite a gash but it is not as sore now , as my finger that I cut six weeks ago . Think I will have the doctor lance it tomorrow for it is so painful . I dread the thought of having it lanced . The YMCA delegates that I was telling you about arrived yesterday afternoon and will remain until Saturday . They are very nice folks . I went uptown with one of them this evening for a walk . But Jake , don � t worry for it was only an eight year old girl that I went walking with and the delegate is her mother . There are over four hundred attending the YMCA convention . Would like to have you come to see me Sunday , if you can . Your love , Louisa . Arrived here on Sunday evening 15 minutes past 10 : 00 p . m . I was stiff from the cold weather and the trip was boring especially the last 5 miles didn 't want to pass . I thought about you the whole time and how nice and warm you were behind the warm stove and I wondered if you were also thinking about cold Jake . I was also looking for the comet but couldn 't see anything . We had a small explosion here in the mill on Monday morning so we couldn 't work for two days . That was a good time to catch up on my sleep . Monday and Tuesday night I went to bed at 9 : 00 p . m . Today the mill is running again . Otto Fischer also went to Tonganoxie on Sunday . He came back home with his wife on Monday afternoon . Henry ? ? ? got married on Monday in Lawrence . The weather is great and I would love to be outdoors . It probably wouldn 't stay nice very long . I 'll bet it will be cold again next Sunday . I hope you amused yourself last Sunday . Too bad the day was so short , or it would have been even better . There is nothing new here . I hope you have a good appetite . Six meals a day ! ! No doubt you were in need of it . I was very sorry that you had to go home all alone last Sunday . How much nicer it would have been , if it would have been so that I could have gone with you . I know the ride would not been near so long for you know I am good at entertaining when out riding , as you found out in the afternoon . Of course it was much pleasanter sitting behind the stove but I did not enjoy it half as well as I would , had you been sitting behind the stove with me . Although I had company until almost ten and was busy entertaining them , my thoughts were with you . Wondered if you were lonesome or cold . I took a severe cold Sunday , was hardly able to speak above a whisper Monday morning . It is a great deal better now and think your coming to see me next Sunday will cure it altogether , so don � t fail to come , for I am expecting you . With love , from your silly girl , Louisa . You will get this letter a little late , but late is better than never . If anything new would have happened here I would have written to you sooner . I have had a terrible headache for the last few days that I couldn 't even think straight , except I always think about you . Well , what do you think about this weather ? It is snowing again . Maybe the snow will stay until Sunday and then we can go sledding . It is still leap year . If Fanny is still there she can go with us . He would probably enjoy it . I hope your family is well and don 't get too bored , and if you get bored just think about me . Had a letter from Henry , not Henry Hiener but my brother . He has a job at St . Mary � s , Kan . For the past week , in the same store Johney worked before he went into business here . It was just twenty - five minutes past nine when we left the house . The train should have been due at three but it was forty minutes late , so it was almost four when it left the depot . When we arrived home , uncle said someone must have been here for he found the doors all open and we soon found that it was you from the nice little note you left and the chunk of chewing gum and the nuts . You should have heard us ( Minnie , auntie and I ) quarreling over the chewing gum and the nut , each wanted to claim it . Now we will wait until you come again and then you will have to tell who you had referred to . Well , Jake , I know I am stubborn sometimes , or perhaps , as you think quite often , and you are not the only one that knows you think so , for auntie is on her ear this morning and has been more than giving me the dickens and did not forget to say , that she does not blame Mr . Freienmuth for calling me bull - headed for he has all reason in the world to do so . Which no doubt he has . So you see you have the sympathy of my dear beloved aunt . I � ll be looking for you Saturday . Hope it will not be so cold , when you come . This is the shortest day of the year . From one who loves you , although she is stubborn . I thought to surprise you , I would write you a few lines to let you know how I am getting along . Well to begin with , Monday evening I went to the theater . It was very good for the admission they charge , but I did not enjoy it very much for my head pained me very badly . Now you won � t be mad , will you ? For I went with auntie and not that red headed fellow . But perhaps you will not allow me to use it as a carpet , for I remember of you saying you will not have a carpet on the floor on account of it not being healthy and that you would rather have a scrubbed floor . Well , it such is the case , we can make use of it some other way , perhaps we can use it for a curtain , tablecloth , or a quilt . Don � t you think so ? I at first thought I would write you just such a letter as I received from you last week , but I changed my mind and concluded to return good fore evil or , rather a long letter for a note . Hope you are enjoying good health and that you sometimes think of me . I must close for it is time for all good folks to be in bed and rogues on their way . This time I will write to you with a pencil . It is as good as ink . Nothing new is happening here . Working , eating and sleeping . One day is like the other . I have a terrible cold that I can 't get rid off . I bought me a bottle of Schnapps , maybe that will help . I would like to visit my sister - in - law in the country but the weather is so bad . How are you doing ? I hope you are well and that you and your aunt patched things up . She really made me mad last Sunday and I know she didn 't stick with the truth . But we know her and it really doesn 't matter what she says . Well , you better pay attention to all the news I have to tell you . I arrived here on Monday in a good mood . I had company until Beno . Mrs . Morris came up to take a picture of the large walnut log which will be sent to Chicago for the exhibition . It is 7 feet around and 40 feet long . I guess you noticed that it is very cold . Make sure you don 't get icicles on your nose . I have a bad cold again . We don 't have any wheat so I don 't have to work tonight . I think I will sit by the warm stove tonight . It would be nice if you could be here with me , it would be so much nicer . It would be even nicer if husband and wife could sit in front of a warm stove together . Will is going to Lawrence tonight to visit his wife . I received a letter from your brother in Texas . He wrote that his business is doing very well which he didn 't expect . If I have time and the weather is good I might come on Saturday . I would like to go to the theater . I will let you know before . I am so sorry that I disappointed you again . I know that you are not very happy with me , but please don 't be mad at me . I really wanted to come visit you last Saturday evening , but I had a really bad cold all week with coughing and headache . Yesterday morning I felt a little better , but in the afternoon I had a terrible headache again . I thought it would be better if I stayed at home until I felt better . Never left the house on Saturday and today I only went to the barber shop . You must be very lonesome today . It has been a long time that I didn 't come to see you on Sunday . You just have to find something to do to fill your time . I don 't even have an aunt or an uncle here to entertain me . I am all by myself . Will didn 't return from Lawrence until Friday evening . He told me that his wife was doing much better . Guess you probably already know that . I heard that your aunt visits there quite a bit , I imagine they are discussing our business , hope they are having fun . About the remark you made ( everything is the way it was ) you don 't believe that yourself . You must have been in a bad mood or your aunt was making some remarks . I bet she was happy that I didn 't come down last Sunday . In case you are interested in today 's paper you can read that the Cherokee Bill passed the Senate and it will be a law in the near future . Our flour drummer ran away with about $ 800 . 00 and he didn 't even let his wife know . That is about all the news I have . I hope you are feeling well considering all the circumstances . Don 't give up . We are working tonight , but since I promised you on Wednesday I don 't want to disappoint you and I will come down to visit you and aunt and uncle . I hope we will have a good time . I was reading in the paper that we can expect a blizzard . So be careful , I don 't want you to be surprised by it . Nothing else is new . Wonder the ink was not frozen again like last week , it was much colder yesterday than any day last week , but then I forget you were sitting by the warm stove and no draft , you held the ink bottle into the fire to thaw the ink . I am so glad you thought of it for it . I don � t mean the theater , alone but your company I will enjoy the most . Just wanted to let you know that I will come down this evening even though the weather will not be very nice . I don 't know yet if I will dress up . It depends if I can find something . You go ahead and find something for yourself just in case . I think it is better if we go together , don 't you think so ? Try to talk your aunt into going , too . Nothing else is new . I did work last night . Will 's wife is in Lawrence again . I have been looking for a letter both yesterday and today but the letter I looked for never came , was very much disappointed . Don � t know why you did not write Sunday as you said you would , perhaps sickness or work has kept you from it , or have you forgotten all about Louisa ? You know what I have reference to . The hash � slinger � at Hettich � s boarding house . Well the poor girl I do feel very sorry for her for she seems downhearted and worried and I know it is all because she has not seen nor heard anything of Jake , the miller boy of Tonganoxie , for such a long time . After I went to sleep , I had a dream about you and when I awoke out of the dream , I was very much excited about it . They say when one wakes up a - dreaming , whatever they are dreaming about will come true . I should be very sorry if this one , would prove true , it would make me feel bad , indeed . But I have more confidence in you than to think what I dreamt will prove true . Will tell you all about it next Sunday , or before , if you come before Sunday . Wish you would for it seems such a long time , since you were here . Now if you are not sick or too busy please drop me a few words to let me know that you are still amongst the living . With love , and best wishes for your future happiness I will close . I remain as ever your one true love , Louisa Sorry you had to wait a long time for a letter . As you know not much is happening here . I could have written to you about our snow storm , but you had one too . Last Sunday I stayed at home as usual . I wasn 't dressed to go anywhere . You probably went for a walk . Hope it agreed with you . Will was in Lawrence . His son is supposed to be sick again you might know that already . I read in the paper that Schuster Daby passed away . I have to work all night tonight . Bigsby is going to Oskaloosa to a Fasching party . ( masquerade party ) . I worked on a stone for Dreisbach and got a piece in my eye . It is red and swollen , but I hope it will be better by Sunday . There is a Minstrel show next Saturday . If you feel like it and I have time we can go to it . Well , how are you feeling since the party in the sports center ? I felt better after I got home and my special girl ( if you know who I am talking about ) is doing well . Your anxiously awaited for letter came yesterday afternoon was very glad when it arrived for it seemed such a long time since I last heard from you . Was sorry to hear that you have such a bad cold , hope it will be better by the time you come again , if not . I think I can cure it for you , at least , I will try very hard . Mrs . Freienmuth called here this morning . She feels quite well and Otto is much better than he was . She expects to go home in a few days . She seems very anxious to get home to her hubby , well , I don � t blame her . I would feel the same way if I had a husband . I would not like to be away from him for such a long time either , would you ? I was tired too , for you know I danced so much , it took me until now to rest up . Oh my ! Don � t you pity me ? Did I promise to write you a letter this week ? I can 't remember . I want to write you a few lines anyway so you wouldn 't be upset . I don 't have any news to tell you . Just wanted to let you know that I got home O . K . I worked last night and probably tonight . That will probably all the night shift for this week . I am glad . I might visit my sister - in - law this week if the weather holds up . It has been more than two months since I was there . I might not find my way . Well , did you dance a lot on Tuesday in the sports hall , and I almost forgot the masquerade party . Did you dress up as a lover ? How many lovers did you find ? Probably a dozen . How does your uncle feel after his trip ? Does he still want to be buried in his G . A . R . uniform ? I hope he got this out of his mind for a while and he will have a few more drinks . Your aunt might even get married again and that would be terrible . I hope you are happy and in good health . I heard the birds sing this morning . Spring must be on the way . Your letter reached me yesterday afternoon , it was dated March 3rd but reached me on the 2nd . Had it not been for my address on the envelope I would not have known that it was for me , for you forgot to mention any name in the heading of your letter . Wonder what you were thinking of at the time . I will overlook your mistake this time , hoping you will not be so thoughtless the next time you write . Had a letter from cousin Adolph this morning , stating that he had a letter from his mother this week , telling him that two of his brothers , the one that � s at home and the one in Minnesota intend going to the Cherokee nation as soon as the strip is opened and that you and I may have company . He seems to think that I am going with you . They intend to come through L . when they go the same time they do . I put off writing until tonight hoping I might have some news , but nothing happened . I don 't want to disappoint you so I thought I might write you just a few lines . We worked for three nights . We had to stop working since we didn 't have any wheat . The rain really messed up the roads , but today was a very nice day . Hope you used this nice weather and went for a walk . Tuesday morning I worked for Dreisbach , but I wore my glasses . How did your fight end on Monday with your aunt ? She made me angry on Sunday with her old stories about raising children . The concert you bought the tickets for , last Sunday , it was very good and I enjoyed it , had it not been for the severe headache I had . It was late when we got home , but had for my headache it would not have been too late to write to you so you surely will excuse me for not answering your letter . All day yesterday and today I felt miserable . I am taking medicine but don � t seem to do much good . I have a small present for you . I intended to mail it this afternoon , but did not get through early enough so as to get to the post office before it was closed . So I will have to mail tomorrow � it will be better late , than I received your very nice letter and the nice present and I want to thank you very much for both . I was very surprised and I will always treasure it . I got your letter yesterday . Will didn 't go to the post office on Tuesday . I expected a letter on Monday . I am very sorry that you are not feeling well , but I hope that you will be well by next Sunday . I visited my brother last Sunday . They were very surprised to see me . The weather was nice so Will was working as always . He was stringing wires for his grapes . I helped him a little and afterwards we drank a bottle of wine together . Eda seems to be doing very well . Otto was very wild . We had a big fire here yesterday . Two stores and an apartment building were on fire . I didn 't find out about it until everything was over . I stayed at home and read . Tonganoxie couldn 't afford a fire bell yet . They were able to save almost everything from the stores . Some old lady went upstairs and threw things through the window . When she tried to come down the stairs they were burning so she had to jump out of the window . I was looking forward to nicer weather , but it didn 't look like spring today . Did you know that your new neighbors are from Tonganoxie ? It is the ones who moved into the Central Hotel . They had a hotel here also , but it wasn 't very successful . We are working day and night this week . The boss bought a few truck loads of wheat . I figure you didn 't expect me last Sunday . You didn 't mention anything in your letter . Don 't be upset with me . I haven 't missed many Sundays . If I would have known that you were ill I would have come . I would have given you the best of care . It probably would have been better than medicine . I hope you feel well soon . I have to ask you to forgive me if this letter is very short . Nothing happened here that is worth writing about . We only worked two nights . The orders are scarce . We have a few orders for next month . I guess I will catch up on my sleep . Tonight is a Mardi Gras party , the last one of the season . I won 't go to it . On Monday I went to Jaedicke 's store and ordered wire for Will and Frances told me that Fischer had a little girl and everyone was doing fine . I finally have some news . I don 't know yet what I will be doing next Sunday ; I will let you know in a letter . In two weeks is Easter and I wonder what kind of eggs the bunny will have for me ? Hope you are feeling well . I had a good time at 3 : 30 Philip and I went over to the W . P . depot to meet Henry . We looked for him in the morning but he did not come , so we thought he had changed his mind about coming . About eleven o � clock John came over from the store and told us that Henry had just telephoned to him that Phil and I should be at the depot at 3 : 47 as he would come on that train . Then the boys got a rig and spent our time up until half past six , riding . Henry was very much surprised to think that you did not come to see me yesterday . I had a good time at 3 : 30 Philip and I went over to the W . P . depot to meet Henry . We looked for him in the morning but he did not come , so we thought he had changed his mind about coming . About eleven o � clock John came over from the store and told us that Henry had just telephoned to him that Phil and I should be at the depot at 3 : 47 as he would come on that train . Then the boys got a rig and spent our time up until half past six , riding . Henry was very much surprised to think that you did not come to see me yesterday . Well , I suppose you have made up your mind before this , about what you are going to do after your return from Oklahoma , next month . Remember you said you would let me know as last Sunday , yesterday , and as you did not come , you might let me know in your next letter , what your decision is . I would like a letter with a good many more words , please , that is if you have the time to spare . I think I have said enough . Gut nacht mein Lieber shatz . From Louisa I received your letter yesterday afternoon and I enjoyed the good news , as I read you had a lot of fun last Sunday . It must have been a lot of fun to ride in a buggy in such good company . I forgot all about John 's birthday . I bet you had a lot of fun . Just think I was at home all day on Sunday with nothing to do . I just sat and laid around and read . I thought about going to Will 's , but I was too lazy . You must know that even I can be very lazy . It was a very nice day and it seemed like springtime . I bet it is very lively in Lawrence . Right now we only work during the day , the business is not doing very well . I don 't mind it at all . I am in bed every night at 9 : 30 p . m . to get some sleep . I was the supervisor today and might be tomorrow . Will is planting trees at home . His workers are a little slow so he thought it might be better if he stayed at home . I don 't blame him . I will give you the answer to your question when I see you . If you should be in a hurry let me know and I will send you a telegram . That is all the news I have . I will see you next Sunday . As I promised you I will write you a few lines . Sorry that I can 't come to see you tonight . We are working at night . We had to do some repairs on Monday and Tuesday so we have to catch up on the time we lost . I will give you the pleasure some other time . I hope you are not too disappointed . It must be very hot in the opera house by now . So you didn 't vote for the candidate for mayor . I had better luck here . Our female candidate for mayor only received four votes . Otto Fischer is now town father . I didn 't even know that he was a candidate . Two of Dr . Abdellah 's girls were in Eudora on Tuesday evening for the Easter ball . Bigsby and Jung Bangs were there . I got your snippy letter from last Tuesday and I am surprised that you wrote to me after you were so disappointed . If I would do to you as you did to me I shouldn 't even answer your letter until next week . You must have been awfully busy that you couldn 't write any sooner or maybe you have a new attraction somewhere else . I just hope you will be happier than you are with me . I didn 't go anywhere last Sunday though you might think that I was meeting someone else . I haven 't been feeling well since the end of last week and all this week . That is the reason why I didn 't come down . Since I didn 't hear from you I figured you wouldn 't care . I know what you mean about hanging , just don 't forget to breathe . From now on I will not make any promises so you wouldn 't be disappointed . I will just come or not come . You probably expected a letter on Thursday , but since I didn 't have any news I waited until tonight . The newest here is that I changed boarding houses . Now I only live two blocks away . That saves me 20 blocks a day . I was so tired of walking that far every day . The food is pretty good . The mill hasn 't been running for three days . We don 't have any wheat . Hasn 't the weather been terrible the last few days ? I read in the paper that the wind blew the church steeple in Lawrence down . Well , how are you doing ? I hope you are well and happy . You can write me a nice long German letter next Sunday . I am planning on visiting Will . I hope you will not be upset that I will not be coming . My thoughts are always with you in love . I received your nice letter last Sunday and I was very happy to read that you think about me a lot . It was really a nice and lovely letter . Since you can ask so nicely that I should write to you soon , I will respect your wish and answer your letter right now . A lot of people were surprised that I moved away from Elliott . Nellie bothers you more than she did me . If I would have been stuck on her I would have never moved . There is a girl in my new place , too . I didn 't take the trouble to find out what her name is . Last Sunday I went to see Will . They were just leaving when I got there . They invited me to come along to visit a German friend . So I accepted . The weather wasn 't so nice . It rained all the way home . We worked a couple of nights this week . You have probably been waiting for a letter from me since Thursday . I waited to write hoping something interesting would happen , but that wasn 't the case . Everything is the same . The mill has been running for four nights . Mister Fischer is at Will 's place . He is supposed to stay there for a few days . Don 't know if I will be able to come next Sunday . If I am not there for dinner , then don 't wait for me . You just have to find something to do to pass the time . Just don 't flirt with the tailor . They are supposed to be dangerous animals . Good advice is always helpful . That is all the news I have . My thoughts are always with you . I received your letter on Monday and happy to hear all the news . I would have answered you sooner but the weather was so bad . It rained all morning . I hope the weather will be nice on Sunday . We didn 't work this week . I rode Jim 's pony to Will 's house last Sunday . It started to rain as soon as I got there . It finally stopped around 7 : 00 p . m . so I started back home . Mr . Fischer is still there . He painted the kitchen but it had spots all over . On Tuesday somebody reopened the old cheese factory . I am so sorry to hear that you haven 't been feeling well and still had to work so hard and then they still called you lazy . And now to the spider story . I hope you didn 't believe what Minnie said . I bet you were happy that Mrs . Wattermelon came to see you . I believe you that she was very nosy . Mr . Ruediger could be a good match for her . Your heart must have been on fire last Sunday if you didn 't need a heater in the middle of the winter . I hope you have enough heat for two . I would love to be your bee . On a nice day a bee always goes to the sweetest flower to get the juice . Try to be a sweet as you can be on Sunday . That is all I can think of . I thought I better write you a few lines so you will not be disappointed . I don 't really have any news . I arrived here on Sunday evening at 11 : 00 p . m . It was really lonesome and I kept wishing you would be here with me . I don 't think you would have minded it either . Yesterday the students had finals at the academy . Morris from Lawrence was here and took pictures of them . He came to visit me and told me that this place was too small for Louisa . I told him that the place where Louisa was born was a lot smaller . This week we only worked during the day . The weather is just gorgeous . Tell Phillip to come up next Sunday and bring you . You can sit in front if there is no room in the back . I received your nice letter from last Sunday and was so glad to hear from you , but I would have preferred to see you in person . You would have had a good time if you would have come with Phillip . We had very little rain last Saturday . It looked worse than it was . So you and the tailor were house sitting last Sunday . I wonder if you were really watchful . We had a wedding here last weekend . Don 't think that we live behind the moon . I found out at Will 's last Sunday that Lizzie is getting married to the old Read . The wedding will be on the 7th of June and you are going to the World Fair . I don 't think Lizzie will be very happy . Maybe she hopes to be a rich widow soon . If we could only read a person 's mind . The things we could find out . I have to tell you something else . I got a letter from brother Edward and he informed me that he is getting married in three to four weeks , he doesn 't want to wait until he is 60 . He wants all the family members to be present . Well , the Freienmuths are slowly all getting married even if you doubt it . I hope you don 't give up hope on me . That is all the news I have . The weather is wintery this morning . I hope you are well and happy . From your letter I gather that you had more news than I did . It rained here but not in the inkpot . We don 't have such wonders here in Tonganoxie . We had to work last Tuesday . A lot of people went to Leavenworth mostly to see the circus . Mrs . Freienmuth was in Lawrence on Tuesday . Miss Fischer and Baby came back with her . Miss Clark was also on the train on Monday morning . She probably went to Leavenworth ; she acted like she didn 't see me . Right now we are working at night . You can make your own decision about the picnic , you are still free and can do what you want ( you would probably rather be hooked ) . If you want to mess around with a country boy then I wish you lots of luck . I received your letter from last Sunday and I figure that you would like to receive an answer , so I will write you a few lines . Don 't really know if you will like what I have to say . You wrote that you are planning on being your own boss for a long time and that you will take advantage of that in the near future . Don 't really know what you mean by that . But if you are thinking about having a romance with someone else then you better let me know right away . It is better to end things quickly . I have noticed for a long time that you don 't trust me anymore and if there is no trust then there is no love . The whole mess started because I put off the wedding for a while . I will explain to you later why I had to do this . If you can wait a while then everything is O . K . , but if not , then you can stand on your head with your aunt . It must not have been very important what Ms . Farland had to say , otherwise you might have told me . A day before yesterday two boys from here were sent to reform school , and yesterday two black boys were sent to Leavenworth for horse theft . Yesterday the black boy from Barbier from Lawrence went crazy . They put him in the Calaboose and two men guarded him . Sunday morning we had a bad hailstorm . Will 's grapes were totally destroyed . It rained almost all day long and I stayed at home the whole day . Lizie Reatz ? ? ? did have nice weather . Mrs . Freienmuth was not invited to the wedding . We just had a big downpour . You probably got it in Lawrence too . It was terribly hot today and I was hotter today than the last six months . Today I got an invitation from Texas for the wedding . The wedding is June 26 at 11 : 00 a . m . in the Protestant Lutheran church . ( You see you non - believer ) Ed is expecting me but I will write to him and let him know that I am unable to attend . Eda was in Lawrence today and bought the wedding gifts . I am going out there to look at the presents and we are going to send everything together . Mrs . Fischer and Anna came up and Mr . Fischer will follow tomorrow in the buggy . Yesterday I went to the show , they had a woman in stone , it was quite interesting . I will tell you more in person in case you want to know about it . I hope you are healthy and happy . Another single guy is trapped , but not the right one . I don 't know if you expected me today or not and I hope that you were disappointed that I didn 't make it . I would have written to you last week , but I didn 't have any news . I thought maybe you would come up since you mentioned it . Maybe you were busy or the travelling is getting expensive . That has been happening to me lately in these tough times . I worked really hard this week . If I would have gotten the job at Piersons I wouldn 't have to work so hard . It was terribly hot . Well , I don 't think that you got too hot this week . I hope your aunt takes care of the perspiring for you . Did you visit her yet for old time � s sake ? Don 't neglect the poor old woman totally . If we run out of wheat and don 't work then I might come to see you . I received your letter and was very happy since I didn 't expect one . I was planning on writing today even though I have no news . I am going to Will 's house for dinner for Spring chicken . It is kind of war ~ to have to walk . Will got a letter from Ed . It must have been a terrible wedding . They ( i5rt ~ ~ there . His sister didn 't come . She wasn 't feeling well . I don 't have any plans for the Fourth of July . I can come to Lawrence and we can go somewhere . I am glad that Henry is in Lawrence . I think it is best if I come tomorrow night . Greetings to the family and keep yourself in good health . Would you be so kind and take my watch to Willman 's ? I dropped it and the balance wheel broke . I wouldn 't have bothered you if I would have known Willman 's phone number . Tell Willman to express the watch to me . Hope you got home safe and sound . I am doing O . K . Bet your aunt was happy to see you so soon . Yesterday morning I received your valuable writing and as I can see you are already working hard which makes me happy . I didn 't work yesterday . The mill is not running . The boss said that we wouldn 't work this week , but he can change his mind any minute . I better stick around in case we have work . Otherwise I would visit you this week . I went to the farm yesterday and told Eda that you are not staying with your aunt anymore . She said you should come live with her she would love to have you . You might not want to do � you will be getting an invitation to aunt 's birthday . I will be coming over next Sunday ; I really want to see you . Nothing else is new . I just know that you are waiting for a letter . It is kind of late , but better than nothing at all . Don 't know anything new except that a circus is coming to town next week I am inviting you to go there with me . We worked nights this week . Monday evening I had to go to work right away . Will was out sick for a day this week . I have had a headache for the past few days . I hope you are well and happy and I know that you don 't work very hard since your aunt can 't bother you anymore . It was very cool here last night . Did you hear anything from Phillip ? I am not sure if I can come down tomorrow . Don 't expect me if I am not there for dinner . I got your letter from last Sunday and I will hurry and answer you even though nothing has happened here . Last Sunday I stayed at home all day . I was even too lazy to visit my brother . It was very boring . I would have loved to be in your company . I could have come down in a buggy , but you know that gets expensive . I will not make it next Sunday either , but maybe on Saturday evening , but I don 't know for sure . I bet Phillip arrived happily in enced had a lot of news . I � m surprised that your aunt only has two orders left . She probably complained about you all the time and they got tired of listening to it . We don 't work nights this week . Jim Love is losing his job on September 1 , and young Jang will take his job . Big Sly 's brother got married in the country last week and nobody in his family knew about it . Well , I hope your family is well . I have to go for now . To put your mind to rest I will write you a few lines and for sure you will be surprised to hear from me . I don 't know much of anything . The train was sitting in the depot on Monday evening when I got there . I had lots of men , two women and three children and few men and one of them was Orrin . There were also a few car loads of pigs and oxen . It was very hot today . I am going to see Eda this afternoon before I travel to rod 's country . I wonder if Phillip got the ( Pon Wav ) the same night . Beer has a great effect on a lot of people . Let me know if you are coming up on Saturday . Well , write me a few lines . Don 't know if I should write you a long or a short letter . What I think about this place I can tell you in a few words . It is terrible . You can 't imagine it if you didn 't see it with your own two eyes . I am writing this letter sitting under a tree in the yard , but don 't think this yard is very nice . It is filthy . As you saw when I was leaving that I got a seat . Others were not that lucky . My neighbor took half of my seat and to top it off he took off his shoes which didn 't improve the smell . There were two more trains behind us and at every stop more people got on and by the time we reached Arkansas City there was hardly any standing room . We arrived in Newton at 4 : 00 a . m . and I had to change trains and they were all full . I ate breakfast there , one cup of coffee and a sandwich for 20 cents . At 11 : 30 a . m . I arrived here . The situation is not good at all . The newspapers make it sound better than it really is . Every day a few thousand people come here and every empty lot is full with horse and wagon ; every house is a boarding house . I slept last night on a porch with a few blankets under me for 25 cents and 25 cents for meals . Here is the most terrible mob that I have ever seen . You hardly see anyone in decent clothing . Everyone is filthy dirty . You can 't imagine how dry and dusty it is . It hasn 't rained in a few months ; the land is sandy and the hot - - - south wind blows the dust in clouds . I went to the line yesterday to sign up and there were about 4000 people ahead of me . Some of them were laying in the sand , others were sitting or standing . All of them were covered with dust and you couldn 't tell if they were black or white . After I was there for two hours I looked just like the rest of them . My clothes are way too good for this place ; I stick out like a sore thumb . There are hardly any ladies on the street which is understandable since the roads are filled day and night with pedestrians , horses and wagons . Hundreds of people line up in front of the Post Office waiting for mail . We are four guys in the boarding house from Tonganoxie . Another one only stayed one day and went back home . I don 't know yet if I can handle that rat race , it is dangerous . I read the paper every day to know what is going on . You don 't have to answer this letter . I will write to you again in a few days . 1001 kisses from your faithful Jake Plenty of beer in town . Don 't have any special news to tell you but you might be waiting for a letter . I arrived here on Sunday at midnight tired from the long trip . I am not used to such long trips . The mill is not running yet . We might start it up before Friday and then it will be running day and night . I still don 't know yet how to visit you on Sunday . I might have to walk ; wouldn 't that be funny if I arrived on Sunday on foot in Lawrence ? Will didn 't work yet this week he doesn 't feel well . The wind whistled today like crazy . The Democrats are having a picnic with an ox on the pit and you are invited . I hope you are doing well and if I hurt your feelings last Sunday with my stupid talk I am very sorry and I want to apologize . I hope you will forgive me as love excuses everything . I received your letter last Friday . The content made me very happy . Don 't ever think that I would get tired of it if you write about our future . That is what we are hoping for . I will try my best to make you happy . I am very sorry that I can 't visit you today , on Sunday . It is not what I wanted ; I wanted so much to see you . We started the mill yesterday and the boss said that we had to work today also . So you see it is not my fault . If I would have known sooner I would have let you know . If I have a chance I will come down this week , but don 't count on it . It is a beautiful day today and I am sorry that I have to spend it in the mill instead of in your nice company . It would be much nicer , don 't you think so ? I received your letter and as always I was anxiously awaiting it . I thought you spent last Sunday outside instead in the house . I was very angry that I couldn 't be with you since it was such a nice day . I earned $ 3 . 00 . Will paid us time and a half for Sunday . The Fischer family and Lillie Jaedicke were visiting the farm on Saturday and Sunday . What is the matter with the horses in Lawrence ? We constantly hear about a runaway . I am sorry that Henry had so much bad luck ; could have been worse . Bertha Kintzler is wearing a new dress and it fits her very well . I didn 't have a chance this week to come down . We are working day and night . Don 't know yet if we have to work next Saturday night . If I am not there by 8 : 00 p . m . don 't expect me . I will get there on Sunday somehow . Your letter from last Monday arrived yesterday evening and I was very happy to hear from you . I expected a letter from you on Saturday . I should have known that you wouldn 't write unless you got a letter from me first . That is the way you are . But let 's not be enemies . I feel pretty good and I don 't need anything except for a few thousand dollars to set up house . You really scared me with your list in your letter . We don 't have to buy at Sticks we can go to another store . I talked to Will Heinen last Saturday about renting Henry 's house , but he had rented it out a few days before . I found another one for rent close to the Heinen 's house . I am going to take a look at it . It looks like a barn on the outside , but I haven 't seen the inside yet . I am sorry about your job ; but you must know what you are doing . I wouldn 't like it either if my boss would cut my pay . I knew you would be disappointed that I didn 't come down on Sunday . I worked very hard on Saturday and I was very tired and on Sunday it was too cold . I would love to see you this week but we are very busy . We have orders for 10 car loads of flour and therefore we have to work day and night . I will try to come down next Saturday . Eda F . was in Lawrence on Monday and Tuesday . We are getting a new postmaster in Tonga and they are building three new brick homes . That is more than you can say about Lawrence . I finally have a little time this morning so I will write you a few lines . I know that you are waiting for a letter . I don 't have anything special to tell you , except that I worked from Monday at noon until Tuesday morning . We are short on water again . I still have my cold . I hope you feel better . Dr . Abdellacee and Mrs . Feil were here yesterday . The doctor had to do surgery on Gilliland . He had an infection on his leg . He is staying with his father - in - law Metz . Will has company from St . Louis Mr . Fischer and his brother . I don 't know yet if I can come next Saturday . I would love to see you . Don 't know anything else to write except that it is very cold this morning . You probably noticed the same thing when you were going to work . We are working nights again . I don 't get up until 8 : 00 o ' clock . Will asked me if we would come out next Thursday . Eda wants to know it . She is planning on butchering a big goose . Please let me know if you want to come or not . You can do what you want . I promised Eda that I would be there . But it also depends on the weather . I got sore legs from the long march on Sunday . I hope it didn 't bother you . I don 't know yet if I will be able to come next Sunday . I received your letter on Saturday evening . I was expecting it , but didn 't know if you received my letter early enough to answer me last week ; but I see that the postmaster did get the letter out in time . I couldn 't have come last week even if I wanted to . I had to work Saturday night since Bigsby went home . I didn 't get to bed until 6 : 00 a . m . on Sunday morning and I got up at 1 : 00 p . m . The weather wasn 't very nice . I bet you didn 't go for a long walk . I stayed at home and read . On Thursday I will be waiting for you at the Depot and I will make sure that you get home safely . This will be the last love letter that you will receive from me and I think you will be happy about it . I had to listen to a lot of whispering since last Tuesday . Everyone seems to know something . I am having a hard time finding a place they are old barracks with no room . I wished you could be here to find a house , as I don 't want you not to like it . It looks like the weather is going to be nice . I got a letter from Ed . The two Bangs will be coming to the wedding . I went to see Judge Norton on Tuesday but he was not in the office . Don 't have any other news . Good Bye until tomorrow afternoon if I don 't miss the train . |
Would you like to go to the show to night ? If you do please get your self ready . I will be down by 8 o � clock to night if the train is on time if it is not on time , you have to wait if you don � t want to go alone of course . Yours truly , J . F . You were looking for me to day I know . I am sorry for you that you had to look in vain , but I promised to Will I come out to him to day so I went out there . I was not out there for a long time . I wish that you could be there too . I was thinking about you most of the time , and what a nice time could have , if we were together . I hope you spent the day the best you could . Now don � t be mad at me , you know that I love you , it was very hard for me to stay a way , our next meeting will be so much more happier , don � t you think so . I expect to be down next Saturday evening if nothing else turns up . I hope Mrs . Hetlich will get over her spell by that time or Sat . She got another one already . I hope you are in good heath and humor . I would be very glad to get an answer from you , if you feel like to write to me . I received your most welcome letter Monday afternoon . I was pleased to hear from you . I looked for you until about three o � clock Sunday , and as you did not come I made up my mind that you had worked Saturday night and that you - - - the day in , sleeping . I will tell you how I put in the time . After dinner was over I went out walking with Maggie for about an hour and then I came home and did some mending for Henry which took me about an hour and a half ; it comes quite handy for a boy to have a sister some times . Don � t you think so ? After supper I went to church with Auntie and Maggie . Although my time was occupied I was thinking about you , but you need not worry about me being mad for I am not the least bit mad . I received your letter Saturday evening and I must say I was disappointed because I was sure to see you that evening . You say in your letter you don � t know when you would be back again , so I did not answer until now . I am working nights this week , and getting along all right . I went out to Will � s Sunday before last , and last Sunday I was at home all day reading . I hope you had a good time out in the country among your hayseed friends , are you at home again . I know you are looking for a letter from me so I want to write to you . I am sorry for you if you expected to see me last Sunday . I had to work all night Saturday , and Sunday I slept most of the time , I spend some time mending my clothing I was thinking about you the same time . It was such a nice day , but I never left the house . I was dreaming about you in the afternoon . I saw you walking on the street , all alone with your brown dress on , is that it ? I hope you had a good time if you were out . How is Onkel getting along ? The mill is running nights again I do not know how long . I expect to be down next Saturday evening if I don � t have to work . Dear Jake , I wrote this letter last but have not mailed it yet and am glad I did not mail it for I did not get to go to the country as I expected and am not very sorry for it for I would rather be at home Sunday if you can possibly come down tomorrow evening I would be very glad to see you . I will take this letter to the post office so you will be sure to get it tomorrow . Scuse my poor writing for I wrote in a hurry . Goodbye till I see you . Yours truly , Louisa I thought I would write you a few lines to let you know that I will not be home Sunday . I am going in the country this afternoon . I do not know when I will get back . I hope you will not be mad about it . I would like to see you but you know I have promised to go to the country so you will have to pass your time away best you can . You might employ part of your time next Sunday in writing to me I would be pleased to hear how you are getting along . I remain as your true love . I would very much like to take you to the ball . It will take place on the 20 of Feb if you can arrange it so you can go to it . I wish you would go . You say you are working nights I hope you will not need to work Saturday night so that you can come to see me Saturday evening for I am very anxious to see you again , just think it is going on three weeks since I have seen you . You told me last Sunday that I promised to write a silly letter to you . I forgot all about it last week , so I will make up and write to you . Now you can take this for a silly or a sensible letter , but it is the truth all the same , and if you don � t believe it I will make you believe . I do not know how to start in , but the best I can do is to tell you that I love you more than anybody in this crooked world , how do you like that do you believe it ? I hope you do . I told you that before and I like to prove it to you . I would never have asked you to be my wife if I did not love you . Because I would not get married for anything else , and I am going to marry you in spite of all the sisters in law I got if you have no objection . I am old bachelor and that sort of an animal is very apt to get crank once in a while but you must not pay any attention to it . He will likely make a pretty fair husband . I love you straight and true like a man should do not like a silly schoolboy . I do not believe in a romantic love , that sort doesn � t last long , don � t you think so too ? Now if you made up your mind to be openhearted and true to me as I am to you , there will be no trouble to get along all right . I don � t know whether I have told you all this before or not , but it will do no harm I think . It is my intention to make you as happy as possible , of course you don � t expect that time will pass smooth and nice all the time without a scrap once a while . It makes life more interesting anyhow . I am thinking of you most of the time , and how nice it will be , when we have our next build . Well I will shorten this silly letter , so you don � t get tired reading . I been writing this in the mill I have to work tonight . I do not know how long it will last . If this letter makes you laugh I hope it will do you lots of good . I was somewhat surprised at getting such a long letter from you and it pleased me very much to hear you speak the way you did , but I must say that this is the first love letter you have written me , in your other letters you wrote like a mere friend , and not a lover . You say you love me and are true to me . I believe it but you do not seem to think that I am true to you . But I am sure that a girl cannot be more true than I am and have been to you the last nine months . Of course I have not been speaking very much about how much I love you , for I think it is a man � s place to make love to the girl and not the girl to the young man . But up till now , you have spoken but very little about love to me and you know now I am � so du mir so ich dir . � You and I were visiting with noon after and I got a bunch of - - - of which - - - - - - you a We have a new boarder and it is a man - - - that I hope it will be so that - - - - - - come to see me - - - - - - to I will be looking for you . So come if you do not � to - - - and - - - noted - - - come please � and your letter soon . Well I must � for this - - - - hope to see - no hear - from you soon . I am very sorry that I have to disappoint you again , but it is not my fault . I had to work Sunday night . I worked Friday night and it was my intention to come down Saturday evening but I did not feel good when I got up , so I was to come down Sunday . Sunday morning we received a telegram from the old man that we had to start up the mill Sunday evening . I was mad I did not like it at all , I never do know when I have to work nights . This is one reason that I never can tell you for certain when I can come down , you have to get used to it , that is the best advice I can give you , and not to get disappointed . Now do you like this kind of weather ? We had a big fire here last week . The city hotel and the bank burned down , no lives lost . I expect to be down next Saturday , if nothing else turns up . I hope you are well . Minnie was here and she wanted Auntie and I to go up town with her , but I stayed at home waiting for you to come , and when they came home and found you had not come , you should have heard Minnie tease me . She declared you went to see some girl in Tonga . She was in very good humor . Jake what do you think about my staying down here and getting employment ? I have been looking for a job but until now have not been successful in finding one , but perhaps by the first of May I will be able to find something to do . But I guess I will go home tomorrow and wait until then and if by that time I can get a job I will return . Now don � t you think that would be nice ? You could ride on the cars that much farther , every Sunday , when you come to visit me . Last Sunday was not a pretty day but nevertheless I was out in the afternoon , having a good time . Mrs . Montgomery took Ollie , Flora and I to the theatre , while there I was thinking about you and wishing that you were with me . Oh but I forget you do not attend theater but church on a Sunday in the evening my thoughts were with you , was wondering how you were passing away the time if you were having a love spat with another girl but I guess not . I will surely be home Saturday , if not before . So come to Lawrence Saturday evening if you can , or else on Sunday . For I am anxious to see you again in case you cannot , be sure and write me a long letter Sunday . Undoubtedly you will be surprised to hear from me at this place but perhaps Mrs . Chinzsler told you I went to S � as she was at the depot when I left Lawrence . I also saw two of Mrs . Elliot � s daughters while I was waiting for the train to pull in . I had a good notion to send you a message through them , but as I did not know them to speak to , I thought I had better not . I arrived here a quarter after five Wednesday evening and just think I found the way from the depot to Montgomery � s all alone . Mrs . Montgomery is in very poor health . She is under the doctor � s care ; she is not able to do her work . She has a girl to do her work . The doctor says that she is in a bad condition and if she is not careful she will go into consumption . He thinks a change of climate would be the best medicine and he advised her to go to Denver Colo . As soon as she can get ready to leave . I hope you have got over being mad by this time . Oh , by the way , how did you enjoy yourself at KC Monday ? Did your old girl say she was pleased to see you ? And did she give you a smatz well . I guess she did � not . I wrote the letter Thursday evening and Friday Lizzie and I went uptown and I mailed the letter . On our way home I , that is , Lizzie and I , called on Francis Hentwig and when I told her how long I had been in KC she says to me , you � re a nice one , have been down here so long and have not been to see me and she wanted me to spend a few days with her . I told her that I was expected home the next day and that I could not stay and Lizzie give it away , she told her that I had just mailed a letter to my fellow and he was the one expecting me home . So she says well that can easily be remedied if it is your fellow and not your aunt that � s expecting you home . So she gave me a postal card and said , I should tell you I would spend Sunday in KC . At first I would not listen to it , but she finally persuaded me to write as I did , for all I had a good time Sunday . I often thought of you , wondering how you were passing away the time and wished you were with me now Jake don � t be made at me for staying as long as I did . I should be very sorry if you are , but if you are we will kiss and make up the next time you come down won � t we ? Just think this is the third letter I am writing to , to your none . We are having company from Sioux City , Iowa . Mrs . Protch with her two sons and little girl . They moved away about two years ago and now they are moving back again . I received both your letters and also your postcard . Your first letter surprised me and the second letter hurt me very much . I did not expect that from you that you can just leave . In your letter you write that you are not homesick and you wanted me to know that . That doesn 't show you in a good light . I would have not done anything like that . You act like I was tired of you ; I have never said that . My love to you is still the same . It feels like you want to be rid of me . The little misunderstanding we had last Sunday would not have made you so bull headed if you really loved me . Your staying in Kansas City shows that you don 't love me . I was looking forward to seeing you , but when I received your postcard I felt like someone dumped water all over me . On that certain Sunday I was just as much at fault as you were . You didn 't allow me anymore than any other girl would allow her fiancee . You get angry at any little remark I make . You know that I get into my moods sometimes . Whoever talked you into moving to Kansas City ? It looks like you were bored in Lawrence . You write that it would be nice for me to come to Kansas City every weekend . I have to say that you are getting awfully smart . I think you are more worried about yourself than anyone else . In Kansas City you can do as you please . If you can 't get along with your aunt anyway you might as well work in Lawrence . I have always loved you with all my heart and was always honest with you and I am still honest with you even if you don 't believe this . Therefore I am telling you now if you are moving to Kansas City then we are through . Think about your decision and let me know by Saturday . Here is the letter I promised you . You have to excuse if it is short , but we are working nights and there is not much happening . You can only see the stars and the moon if it is shining which it is not . Otto Fischer and Con ? ? ? ? Really went to see Will last Sunday but couldn 't stay very long . I received a letter yesterday from a friend in Texas . The grass is growing and the trees are turning green and my love to you is growing also . I didn 't take any money to the bank because I didn 't have any to take . My dear Louise , you probably I think I am stupid for all the stuff that I am writing , but you wanted a letter from me . I am so glad that we made up again . It hurts me every time we ~ , have a fight . I am feeling well and hope the same from you . We have had company every day this week . You know I was looking for Bertha lef Kintzeler . Well she was here on Tuesday and stayed a whole half an hour . We were watching the people going to and from the wedding . It took place at seven o � clock and the style , my ! It was out of sight . They wore dresses , all colors of the rainbow . We saw the bride also . I guess you think I was very much interested . Of course that is natural for me to be interested in weddings , as you know I expect to have a wedding of my own someday , but I do not intend to make a show of myself like the bride of last night . As you told me you would come down Monday night and not Sunday , I will not be looking for you Sunday so enjoy yourself the best you can . With this I must close . Goodnight When your letter reached me yesterday , it took me by surprise . Before I opened the letter I thought sure that it was a joke on me , by one of the boys in the mill for the handwriting did not look anything like yours . It was more like that of a bookkeeper � s handwriting and then again I thought I was getting a new correspondent . Why did you not get Mr . Love or whoever it was , to write the letter for you also ? Was it because I changed so much or is it because he does not know how to write � love letters � . No doubt you � d drank only one glass of beer . Monday but you know there is any but difference in the size of glasses . Some are small while others are very large . I think you must have used the large glass . Dear Louisa , I am sure my postcard on Monday disappointed you very much . It wasn 't my fault . It wouldn 't have been any fun to go to the circus after all this rain . I asked the boss on Saturday evening if we would work on Monday night , but he told me he didn 't know for sure . You can never get a straight answer from him . If the weather is nice next Sunday maybe we can go for a drive or go for a nice walk . I was thinking about coming to see you last Sunday , but you wrote that you were not expecting me so I stayed here . Will drove his wife to the Depot and then I went home with him and stayed there until 5 : 00 o ' clock . After supper I wrote two letters ; one to my brother Edward and one to my friend in Texas . I am going to put some money in the bank this week . I should get paid for a whole month . I feel sorry for you that you are poor as a church mouse . I would love to help you out but you wouldn 't accept my help . So Miss Kintkeo ? ? ? came to see you for half an hour . Her time must be very valuable . Next time you go see her do the same thing to her . How are you doing ? I hope fine . I read the story about the wedding in the newspaper . I figured it would interest you , like it does all young girls . Old bachelors like me don 't worry about things like that . Well , I have to make my rounds through the mill ; I will probably have to work nights all week . I received both your letter and postal card , was very glad to hear from you . Your card did not reach me until Tuesday morning , saying you could not come Monday evening . I would have been very much disappointed had it not rained . It began to pour down in torrents about six o � clock and rained for an hour . So that is the reason I was not looking for you to come , not because I received your card . I was very much put out when it rained so hard , not that I cared so much for the circus , but to think that I was going to be cheated out of seeing you . But then I am not blaming you , as it was no fault of yours . The reason I wrote that I was not looking for you last Sunday was because you told me you were not coming Sunday but Monday instead . Now you know well enough that I did not want you to stay away , for I am pleased to see you at all times . I was home all day Sunday � and a long day it was � also all evening and all alone by � my own self � . I had a letter from my Emporia friend this morning . I have not been feeling well all week but am feeling better now . Please excuse the lateness of my letter , you might possibly not get it unless you go to the office tomorrow evening , but then we will see each other Sunday and say all we have to say personally . Be sure and come if you can possibly for I am anxious to see you again . I am sorry if this letter will be very short . I don 't have a lot of time but I want to keep my promise and write to you . We started working nights on Wednesday . I couldn 't even go to the wedding . Will went to Lawrence in the evening and his wife went in the afternoon . Ida came to the mill before she went to the train station , but she didn 't say one word about the wedding . I didn 't get an invitation ; they just overlooked me as if I didn 't exist . I will do the same thing to them when our time comes . I do to you like you do unto me . Don 't you go along with this , darling ? Dear Louisa , as you can see we don 't belong to the upper crust , but I think we are just as good as they are , it did upset me a little . I wouldn 't have gone to the wedding anyway even if they would have sent me an invitation . Well , enough of that I am sure you were thinking about the wedding , too . My thoughts were with you . Did you think a little about me ? Please save the newspaper for me . I am sure there was a big write - up about the wedding in it I don 't know for sure if I can come next Sunday . If I am not there by noon don 't expect me . If I can 't make it then please answer this letter next week . I received your letter and I was so happy to get such a long one . You write that I should write you a love letter . This is easier said than done . I would also like to get a love letter from you just for an example . You told me once that it wasn 't the girl 's job to make love but the man 's . I would like to know who put this in your head . I wouldn 't like for you to make love to anyone else . Here in Kansas the ladies are supposed to have the same rights as the men ; therefore they can be the initiator and seduce the men . So don 't be shy . If I was a writer I would write you a love letter that would make you dizzy . But I don 't think you expect that from me . I am glad you had fun last Sunday . You couldn 't have spent your day more useful . I am sorry I couldn 't be with you . I had a terrible headache on Sunday so I decided not to come . In the afternoon I got to feeling a little better and then I wished I would have come to see you but then it was too late . I thought about visiting Will but I stayed at home and read and laid around . I read all your love letters again even though I read them normally two or three times before I put them into my trunk . After supper I went for a walk around the village and I thought about you how nice it would be if we were together . Mrs . Kinzler and Metz came to the house for a visit in the afternoon . They evidently talked about you . Mrs . Pierce told me later that Bertha said that you were such a pretty and hard working girl . If your aunt would have heard that . As you can see other people think more highly of you than your aunt and I agree with them . I didn 't hear one word about Otto 's wedding . I didn 't ask Will and he didn 't say anything . Will just said that he was upset that they didn 't send me an invitation . I told Will that I didn 't really expect an invitation , but if they would have any manners they would have sent me one . I wouldn 't have gone anyway . I am sure Will told Eda and she probably let the right people know . II is raining every 24 hours . I am working nights . I haven 't been feeling well for a while . I hope you will be satisfied with the length of this letter . I promise you that I will visit you next Sunday for sure as I am homesick for you . The young folks of the Turnverein got up a party and are going to give Otto and his wife a surprise at the Turner hall this evening . The boys of the house have already gone to the hall . I received an invitation this morning , but am not going , being you are not here to go with me . The papers did not have very much to say about the wedding . I cut out a couple of items , which I will send you in this letter . Yesterday was a very pretty day and I was in hopes until noon that you would come down to Lawrence , but noon came but no Jake . It would have been a lonely Sunday had it not been for Henry � s coming to take me out walking in the afternoon . I believe we walked at least three miles , after supper , I went out again with uncle and auntie . It was after nine when we got home . My ! But I was tired , my feet felt as though they were blistered when I reached home . Had you been walking with me I know I would not have thought of being tired for I never get tired when in your company ; my thoughts were with you many a time while I was out walking , wondering what you were doing all day and if you were thinking about your Louisa of the � back woods � or if you were perhaps sleeping all day long without once thinking of her . I have never seen the river so high before . For a while there was danger of the bridge being taken . The Eudora bridge they were building was washed away . Your letter reached me yesterday afternoon about three o � clock . Was looking for one in the morning and at noon was watching for the mail carrier from one o � clock until three . I was cleaning the kitchen but did not make much headway , until your letter arrived and its contents read over a couple of times . After finding out what you had to say I felt happy and my work was much easier and more quickly done . You say the ladies want as much right as a man , don � t think it more than right that they should have , but I think they do not have near as much , nor ever will have . But when it comes to love making they generally do their part , at least to the man they love , having reference to myself . I have been encouraging you all I could , so that you should love me ; of course I did not propose to you for fear you would think me bold but gave you my answer readily , without hesitation which I would not have done , had I not loved you and you may rest assuredly that I will continue to do so . What do you think ? I saw a table dance tonight . The spirits were the cause of it . Auntie , Minnie , Mrs . Gnefgow and myself were down at Fischer � s this evening on purpose to see it done . Now I know you don � t believe in such nonsense but I think there is something in it . Mrs . Fischer was inquiring about you ; she wanted to know if you are coming Sunday , and if you are , you and I should come to see them . I am so glad Sunday is so near at hand , so you can come down to see me . Just think ! It will be two weeks since I have seen you . Dear Louisa , I received your nice letter from last Saturday and I enjoyed reading how you defend the female side . I am sorry that you waited for a letter at the beginning of the week . If nothing happens I will see you next Sunday . I was in Kansas City on Tuesday . I wanted to visit Montgomery 's but it was hot and dusty so I went back home the same evening . The mill was shut off at night this week so I asked the boss if I could take off a few days . I thought it would do me good to get a few breaths of fresh air . Yesterday afternoon I went to visit Will . Ms . Fischer , Anna and another girl were there . I will tell you in person how they received me . It takes too long to write it down . It was very interesting and I was very amused . That is all the news I have . I hope that all is well with you . I am always thinking about you with love in my heart . As always I hope you can read this letter . My pen wasn 't doing so well . Auf Wiedersehen I am sure that a little letter from me will surprise you . Therefore I am going to write you a few lines . To bring some excitement into our correspondence I am writing you in two colors . If it doesn 't suit your taste then you can just burn the letter but I don 't think you will do that . Maybe you think that I had one too many to drink . I did drink today but only one glass of beer . The mill is not running today . If I would have known this I would have stayed in Lawrence . I was really upset about it . It really was hot today . You must have really been sweating , poor girl , I would have liked to have wiped the sweat off your forehead . Don 't burn your hands on the iron . I almost forget to tell you that I dreamed about you last night . I wished it was Saturday already just to be near you . When I came to Mrs . Fischer 's house this morning she had already done the laundry . She must have gotten up really early . I think Will and his family is also going to Lawrence next Sunday . We had a lot of rain last night . I don 't think that we will be working this week at night , which makes me very happy . If I decide to buy me a new suit then I will be in Lawrence on Saturday afternoon . I received your nice letter . I was very amused about what you said about the mill . If you ever saw a mill like that then you have seen more than I did . My darling , my boss killed my plans again . I had to work tonight and I think I have to work tomorrow night . If I am not there by 8 : 30 p . m . then don 't count on me . I hope the weather stays nice so our plans don 't get ruined . I think it will be cooler after this much needed rain . It has been raining since seven o � clock . It is now past nine and it is still raining . Auntie , Rieke , and a half a dozen others took a trip east this morning just think how far they went , all the way to Eudora . They went at eight o � clock this morning and got home at seven this evening . It being so warm today made them all very thirsty , they say they drank a good bit of Eudora mineral water . I think it must have had a stick in it . I also saw a snake in the yard last Monday evening and I took a hatchet and killed it . Wasn � t I brave ? They say if you kill the first snake you see in the season , it will bring good luck . When that good luck comes I will share it with you . Won � t that be nice ? Tonganoxie must have a good many jealous hearted people . I feel sorry for any one that is jealous hearted , for it causes so much unhappiness . I think that woman very foolish for trying to kill herself . That is something I never intend to do , but then one never knows what the future will bring . Henry has written several letters to Philip and I this week . He was sick a bed the next day after his examination , but says he is well again and that he has not been so happy for a long time . He sent his best regards to you and says he is very sorry he did not get to see you before he left . Yes , Jake , I am always dreaming about the future and thinking of the happiness that is in store for me . Come down to see me Sunday if you can . Rieke is going home Sunday and I know you would like to bid her goodbye . Auntie says to tell you need not be figuring on a black suit . She is not going to kick the bucket yet . I must close , as there is no more room to write . I have to tell you a gruesome story which happened last Sunday while I was gone . This is it : An older lady hanged herself but her husband found her before she died and cut the rope . It took quite a while before she became conscious . Her husband owns a newspaper here in town . He is quite old and gray haired . The reason for her suicide attempt was jealousy . Just think two old people and they are jealous . They had a maid living with them and evidently the husband paid the maid too much attention . On Monday evening four atheists were baptized in the Tonga river and freed of their sins . The whole town of Tonganoxie was present to take part in that big event . I couldn 't be there since I had to work . The mill will probably be running all week . How is your aunt doing ? I hope she doesn 't have any more crazy ideas like she had last Monday . It is very hot here . I have a hard time sleeping in the day time . Other than that I feel pretty good . I hope you are in dreamland and dreaming about your Jake while I am writing this letter . I am constantly thinking about last Sunday and how much fun we had together . I thought I better write you a letter so you don 't think I wouldn 't keep my promise . You have to excuse my writing . It looks like I used a match stick and shoe polish like the Chinese people write . I want you to know that I love you even though in this heat I can hardly think straight . I am glad that you love me too and I know that it is very hot where you are . So we are both in the same situation . Be happy with this short love story . I just wanted you to know that everything I do for you I do because I love you . In my next letter I will tell you more about this . Last Saturday we had more excitement here in town . A wife beat up her husband in boxer style . She is huge . I know them both . Yes , I think Tonganoxie is turning into a big city . I don 't think we will be working nights this week , but I don 't know for sure yet . Did John get any people together yet for the picnic ? I hear Pendleton went bankrupt . Please let me know in time . I will let you know on Saturday if I can come . Stay well and happy . I am ending this letter now since it is so hot and I can 't think anymore . Uncle is in a very ban humor . I guess he has been smelling the cork , freely . Mr . Morris is boarding here ; his wife went to Colorado . I don 't really know what to write to you . I know you want a letter even if I only write nonsense . Well , I guess I will tell you what happened since Tuesday morning . I arrived happy and healthy at the Depot . I had to wait for the train until10 : 00 o ' clock . It made me mad that I wasted so much time at the station in Lawrence instead of spending it with you . In the afternoon I had to work very hard , so I went to bed really early . The next day we were very busy and tonight I have to work again . I heard that the picnic on the 4th of July was a big success and that they made quite a bit of money on their sales . They said that they had a dance Grove without lights just in the moonlight and mostly farm boys in shirt sleeves were there . How about the fishing trip next Sunday ? Did you get the details yet from John ? Let me know if nobody wants to go . We can also go alone which is fine with me . Maybe Phillip would like to go . Try to let me know by Saturday evening . How are you and your aunt and great aunt doing ? I hope very well . I hope to see you soon and that you are in a good mood . Sorry this letter is so short . Don 't punish me with a short letter like you normally do . Your most welcome letter reached me this afternoon . Was pleased to hear from you but sorry to know you spent so much time at the depot Tuesday morning when you could have just as well spent that time with your girl from the back woods , but perhaps it was just as well for she had to pitch in and help wash after you left . The wash woman has not showed herself yet this week . I had a letter from Henry this week . He intends to leave Lucas in a short time . A friend of his stopped off here to see him about taking his job , but as Henry had left , he wrote to him and I think Henry will take it . All aboard ! For the picnic , John has got a small crowd together . Charley Achning and wife Emma Achning and Leotholtz . Be sure to come tomorrow evening and we well take a moonlight walk . Lawrence that will be F . A . R . has been out in the country helping to load wheat . It sells for 8 cents a bushel . Philip and I spent the evening with our cousin that you met here not many Sundays ago . We got home rather late so I have not much time to write as it is getting very late . It is time for all honest folks to be in bed and the rogues on their way . As the old saying goes , if you dare you have half won the battle and every beginning is hard and that how I feel about writing this letter . But since you demanded a letter I have to write you one . It is too bad how the ladies can get the men to do everything they want them to . I never would have thought that I would become a victim , but I can 't resist your eyes . Arrived in Tonga O . K . and the train wasn 't late this time , in fact I almost missed it . It has been so hot here yesterday and today that it really is no fun . I thought about you how you have to stand in that hot kitchen . I bet you got hot on Monday when you did the laundry . Are you doing well or do you have a hang - over from the picnic ? I thought it was a lot of fun . Received a letter from Ed yesterday . He informed me that he is getting married and his wife to be is German and has only been in the country for about two years and she is 22 years old . That is all I know about her . Ed is 23 years older than she is . I never thought that Ed would ever get married . He is 45 years old . Must be a late bloomer like it happens sometimes with old bachelors . So you see there is not such a great difference in our ages . I better stop talking about my brother 's wedding before you get the idea that I should talk about our wedding . I will as soon as the weather gets cooler . Don 't you agree ? Let 's not rush into things . Has your aunt heard anything about the position as a superintendent ? Maybe you can get a job there as a dishwasher ? Ha ! Ha ! Excuse my bad jokes . I better quit writing , my mind is blank and I am tired even though it is only 9 : 00 p . m . That is always your excuse saying that it is late , you just have to start writing earlier . I might feel better if I had a drink , but since I don 't have one I will end this letter . I received your nice but very cold letter . Guess you can 't handle any teasing , so I better not do that again . Yes , you are right , I have not been anybody 's slave and I don 't intend to be anyone 's either . You evidently have the same philosophy as Will 's future wife that it is better to be an old man 's darling than a young man 's slave . Did the female professor visit you before she saw Will 's girlfriend ? I didn 't even know that she was in town until I saw her from the mill at the depot . So you see she didn 't come to see me . It would be a surprise if I came to Lawrence one day and the hotel was closed . I would have to find me a new place to stay and what would poor Louisa do ? I couldn 't afford to come last Sunday . Don 't listen and worry what other people think or say . I just stayed at home and rested and read . Thought about visiting Will but I was too lazy besides I had to work Friday night . We had a lot of rain here . I did have a funny dream the other night . I dreamed that we were in the hotel together and you took off with another man . I looked for you everywhere but I couldn 't find you . When I came back to the hotel room there were a bunch of old women and they tried to make me feel better , but it didn 't work . You might want to check in the dream book to see what it means . Probably nothing good . Hope you had a good Sunday and maybe thought about me a little . My thoughts were with you all the time so don 't worry that I didn 't think about you . I am sorry to hear that you lost your appetite ; maybe it fell into the cooking pot . Ha ! Ha ! Jake , don � t think for a minute that I am mad about your making jokes in your letter of last week , for I took it as a joke and what I wrote in answer to it was also meant for a joke . So Minnie Priesach did get a chance to call on you too bad , is it not ? Sunday was quite a long day for me , for all I had company both in the afternoon and evening . My thoughts were with you most all times of the day , supposed you were putting in the day sleeping , until you wrote me different . The heat of this week has been just terrible . Today it � s hot and still a - heating . But it is not too hot for me to write for I am not thinking of the heat just now my mind is occupied with something more important . I will be looking for you next Sunday , you will not regret coming for it is going to be ever so much cooler in Lawrence next Sunday than in Tonganoxie . If you find a little spare time yet this week wish you would drop me a few lines . With love , from your old girl , Louisa . Arrived ha y in the big city ! Had to work Monday night . This week we are out of wheat . We had to stop working twice this week already . Last night we had a hard rain for about two hours and it is nice and cool . This morning Lizie Retz came with her little brother from Lawrence to visit Will 's wife . Since it rained she had to wait for about an hour and I had to entertain her . She should have seen me . You would have turned blue from jealousy . I had to weigh her . She told me that she weighed 137 pounds last winter and now she only weighs 115 pounds . Last night they threw a black guy from Neely in jail . He was accused of raping a white girl . Two white guys tried to kill him . I tried to write to you last night but I waited until today hoping I would have some more news but nothing happened . Dear Louisa , I am so glad that half the week is already over and I can see you again on Sunday . Two weeks is a long time not to see you . I feel just like you do . I can think of nothing but you . So hopefully nothing will happen . If I am not there by 3 : 00 p . m . then don 't wait on me . I hope you are well and think about our happy future . Aunt and uncle went to the country this morning to hold open the sack so that we will get our share of wheat . The renters will start threshing sometime this afternoon . Auntie will return this evening but uncle will remain until they have finished . The Chicago men left for home yesterday afternoon , disgusted with the Kansas farmers . They both gave me an invitation to come to Chicago to the World � s fair and bring my fellow , the meant you , and stop with them . They thought my present fellow would be my husband next year this time . Are you of the same opinion ? Auntie was 52 years old yesterday . She received a number of presents , among them was one came from Tonganoxie from someone whose initials are J . F . I can � t imagine who that is . Do you know anyone by that name in your city ? Perhaps you don � t it is hard to get acquainted in such a large place . Not knowing any more news I will close , hoping to hear from you before long . From your own true love , Louisa . P . S . My ! Isn � t it warm today ? I received you dear letter last night . This letter will not be very long since I don 't have very much time . It was too hot last night to write . I am glad that you had a chance to be alone for a while . I got a card from the sports club yesterday asking me to be at the meeting on Sunday . Guess they can 't get along without me . The end of the week is approaching fast and I have to hurry to get a letter to you . I am working nights since Tuesday . Arrived here very happy last Sunday evening , tried to sleep a little in the car , but the bugs kept me awake . They don 't bother you anymore since you are used to them . I hope that you are not still upset with me about the little differences we had last weekend . I am sorry it happened . These things happen sometimes since we are no angels . Even angels are not without fault or do you think that you are perfect . I got a letter from Edward telling me that he bought a horse and buggy so he can drive his darling around . You probably wished you had a future husband like that , but I am sorry I didn 't get that far yet . We had a good rain . Don 't know for sure if I can come next Sunday . If I am not there at the usual time don 't expect me . Maybe I will go to Will 's house . Hope you are doing well . Give this card to your aunt to calm her nerves and yours if they need calming down . Your letter of last Saturday reached me in due time . Was a little disappointed to learn that you intended to spend Sunday in Tonganoxie or rather in the country . But then I cannot expect you to be here every Sunday and it is no more than right for you to visit your brother � s family occasionally . Sorry , the car you were in was so filled - - - - that you could not sleep . Although at times I think you queer and do not seem to understand you , I again think it is perhaps my fault and not yours altogether . I will admit that I felt quite angry at you in the manner you spoke the last Sunday you were here , but was over it before you left . Thank you for your nice writing . I was so happy to hear from you and it was such a surprise . We had a show in town and a lot of people went to it , but mostly mothers and their kids . Will 's wife and the boy were there also . They say it wasn 't that great , I didn 't go since I had to work . I hope you don 't think about going back to your aunt 's just because she was nice to you . It wouldn 't last long and it would be the same old story . You never had it very nice at her house . I am sorry to tell you that the train between Leavenworth and Lawrence is no longer running on Sundays . They say it didn 't bring enough money . Therefore I will not be able to see you next Sunday . You can sleep all Sunday . Hope to hear again from you soon . Your letter came to hand Wednesday noon . Am really sorry that you have such little confidence in me and think I do not care for you . But time will prove that I do care for you . John wants to go to the lake Sunday and would like to have you and I go with them . If you cannot come Saturday evening so as to go Sunday morning , please write and let me know tomorrow . I would be pleased to see you tomorrow evening if you can come , wish you would . Even though you didn 't ask me last Monday evening if I would write you a letter I thought I would surprise you with a little letter anyway . Don 't have any news to tell you . I arrived here in a good mood ; the western train was about 15 minutes late . We had a lot of rain here on Monday . Mrs . Fischer , Anna , Ms Fischer and another lady came up here last night and they left again today . Tuesday afternoon we almost had a big disaster , the boiler house started on fire . Will noticed it first . He and the engineer got the fire out with a few buckets of water . A lot of people went to Kansas City this week . How did you manage with your aunt on Monday - - did she know everything better ? I didn 't want to get into an argument with her so I kept my mouth shut . But I had my own thoughts . Speaking is silver , silence is golden ! I will probably work nights all week if we have enough water . I feel a lot better and if I can I will come to see you next weekend . Aunt had very little to say after you left Monday . We lunched together and after supper Minnie came over and wanted us to go to Feils with her so we went . But then she is not in a good humor . She finds fault with everything I do this week . It must be because she did not know of our engagement sooner or maybe she thinks you might tell her instead of sending a card . It tickled me last Monday to hear how she apologized and how good she was to offer you a lunch before you left . Now if she didn � t think she spoke cross to you she would never have apologized like she did . But she will have it that I am to blame . She says you never would have got mad , had I not said something to you after she went into the kitchen . � Poor me � Die Supe liegt ziemlich schwer im magen . Have been thinking all evening what I could write to you , but can 't think of anything new . Arrived at the depot on Monday and the train was 20 minutes late . That is 20 minutes I could have spent with you . Our train had 32 cars and the train was so long that the last car arrived 15 minutes in Tonganoxie after the locomotive . The creek in Tonga was swollen , but it went down . We are working at night as long as we can . Tomorrow is the initiation of the new hall . They sent me an invitation . It costs a Thaler . Do you have one for me ? Tomorrow our Sunday schools have an excursion planned for Leavenworth and the soldier 's home . I also got an invitation for the sports club meeting next Sunday . How are you doing ? I hope you are feeling better and if not then I have to come and see you and have a promenade in the moonlight or a water party . Don 't you think that would be great ? I don � t understand what you mean by saying someone else beside you reads the letters I send you . Have you discovered anybody reading them ? Or do you think someone opens them before you get them ? And who do you think would do such a thing as that ? Nellie Montgomery is visiting with us , she came last evening . John is in Topeka on business today and Minnie is spending the day with us . No doubt you have been looking for a letter from me before this but you will have to excuse me for putting it off so long , as my little finger pains me so that I don � t feel like doing anything . I feel crabbed and cross . Wednesday morning I almost cut my little finger off ; have put saline and salve on it right along bit it is not healing at all ; in fact it is more painful now than it was the day I cut it . I am doing all I can to get it cured for you know I don � t want a sore finger , when our wedding takes place . Now , Jake , had I received a letter from you it would have made me feel much better and would have forgotten my painful finger . But I really did not look for a letter from you for you said you did not intend to write until I had written to you . You are getting to be very particular about writing . But then I will excuse you , as I know you are so very busy that you do not find much time to write . Lawrence is booming , McIntire has put another story on the top of his one story building since you left and there was one fellow working on the building that had red hair . Oh ! But he was pretty ! Just as pretty as a mud fence . Philip was out in the country for three days this week , putting up a windmill . Amelia Thudium spent the evening with me yesterday , she is well and about half past eight o � clock the cyclones came out on the street to drill so Amelia and I went on the street , too , to watch them drill for a half an hour . Now I know you will be glad to know about her , as you occasionally inquire about her , but it is not her that I am worrying about ; it is that red headed girl over in Tonga . She better keep out of my way when I get over there or there will be some hair pulling done . I received your letter last Saturday evening . I was so happy to receive a letter from you without me writing to you first . I have been waiting for it since Thursday . I am so sorry that you had so much bad luck with your little finger . You probably thought about that red haired guy and that is why you cut your finger . As you see you got punished for not being faithful . If you would have thought about me then this wouldn 't have happened . You have to try to keep your finger dry and don 't have it in the dirty dishwater so you don 't get an infection . Your aunt can wash dishes for a few days . If you see Amalie tell her I said Hi ! Don 't forget to tell her . I got a letter from your brother Ernst last Saturday . He congratulated me and wrote a nice letter I have to show it to you . We haven 't had any water since Friday . We only work during the day and if we don 't have rain soon then we can 't work at all . I went to see Will yesterday and tasted his new wine . It tasted great Eda got an invitation to Emma Miller 's wedding but she doesn 't know yet if she wants to go . She told me that her mother was upset that she didn 't go to Marie Raetz 's wedding . She didn 't hear from home for about four weeks . Next Wednesday Barnum 's circus is coming to Leavenworth . I would love to go since I don 't have to work right now . Would you like to go ? I am inviting you and it would not cost you one cent . You could catch the 8 o ' clock train in the morning and get back home that same night . Write as soon as you can and let me know what you think about it . The mail closes at 3 : 00 p . m . in Tonganoxie . I will be waiting for you at the depot . You can look for me in the morning without fail unless something extraordinary happens . Auntie is willing I should go and she is just ready to go uptown and will carry this letter to the post office for me . With love , from Louisa In order to surprise you I thought I would drop you a few lines to let you know how I am . I feel much better than I did but could feel better . Am not quite so silly as I was yesterday afternoon , before you left . No doubt you thought me ready for some lunatic asylum , but am not quite ready to go there yet , for I act sill more foolish sometimes . Now , don � t you pity me ? Did you get to Tonganoxie in time to go to work at seven o � clock ? Or did the train stop to take a rest every half miles . Poor Jake was again shook up . It � s no wonder you are so poor fur every time you travel on that train , you lose at least two or three pounds of flesh . But all jokes aside I did enjoy my trip to Leavenworth ; also my companion , Jake , in spite of my headache . Didn � t you ? Since I don 't have anything else to do I thought I would write you a few lines . I would have rather come to see you on this nice day as I don 't know what to do with myself . I wouldn 't have this problem if I was with you . My thoughts are with you as always and I hope that you are thinking about me also . Last Thursday night the water lasted until 2 : 00 a . m . and that was all the night work for this week . I would love it if it wouldn 't rain for another week . I went to J ? ? ? ? . The parade is going to be on the 7th like I told you already . Please try to come on Tuesday evening ; the train is leaving Lawrence at 3 : 40 p . m . Please be so kind and get Will 's address in Kansas City for me . Ida would like to stop by Will 's but she doesn 't have his address . I hope the weather stays nice so we can have a few nice days together . I wished it was Tuesday already and you were here . It is too bad that you feel as though you are not welcome but then I cannot blame you as I know you are treated very cool by my dear aunt and I don � t see what reason she has for doing so . In regard to your eating her poor I don � t see that you eat such an awful lot and besides I don � t consider her rich . And all she needs to do is to tell you how much you are in debt to her and I feel sure that it will not be so much but what you are able to pay it . I did not write you about the show in my last letter for I wrote the letter before I went to the show . I enjoyed it very much , the little girls were dressed in all colors of the rainbow , Arabian style and were well trained . It was as good as any show that travels . Too bad you could not take in the show . Why did you not tell me that Annie Fischer was taking part in it ? She did some good dancing and singing . I was accompanied by Nellie and Philip . Nellie says I should tell you she is glad you did not come down Friday , so she could go to the show on your ticket . That � s just like her . She is every so much obliged to you . Sunday night I dreamt that your brother , Will was here to supper and that he was feeling down hearted . I asked him how you are getting along and he said Jake is getting disgusted working nights for ten dollars a week and that he is going to quit working for Bangs . Monday night I dreamt that we ( you and I ) lived on the farm and that you were hauling wheat to Lawrence and I was with you sitting on the wheat sacks . If you find time , wish you would write me another letter this week . Your ever loving Louisa You are probably waiting for a letter from me . I didn 't have a chance to write any sooner as I was very busy this week . The mill wasn 't running since Tuesday , but the engineer found a hole in the boiler . We had two boilers sent from Leavenworth and they had to cut out a piece on the boiler and add a new piece . We worked on it for two days and a night . I had to lay in a small place and hold the hammer against the boiler while two men on the other side were hammering against . All that noise and made me deaf and all my bones were aching from the force of them hammering against the boiler . Today a bricklayer from Lawrence worked on the furnace because they had to break down the walls to make room for the boiler . It was quite a job . Tomorrow we will start working again and then we should be busy for quite some time . The boss mentioned working next Sunday . So don 't wait for me . The next week will be a very long one . Try to make the best of it . Maybe you will have a red haired boy in your neighborhood . Ha ! We had a lot of rain . Will had to shoot his coIt . That is all the news I have from here . How is your finger ? I hope it is getting better and I also hope that you are doing well and that you think about me as I think about you . Write to me on Sunday and let me know how you are doing . I spent my time with reading and sleeping this afternoon and this evening I had company until almost nine o � clock , Amelia and Sophia Thlidium were here . Sophia and I took Amelia home . A nice little walk . Amelia � s back is much better but still very painful at times , am afraid she will have trouble with it for some time to come . She is having a red dress made . Don � t you think she will look pretty in red ? I know you do , for you like a dress of that color so well . She sends her kindest regards to you . Perhaps you will be surprised to hear that Minnie Burkley has kicked her husband out of the house but nevertheless it is true . He left Lawrence last Friday , he went home to his father in southern Kansas . Minnie claims that he has not drawn a sober breath for three months . Jake has been subject to fits for a number of years but Minnie would not believe it , when she was told before their marriage and Mrs . Gnefgow said the people were only mad because Minnie was getting a good husband . It is hard to see into family affairs , but I do feel sorry for Jake . Some folks say it is a shame the way Jake has been treated the last six months . That he has been treated more like a dog than a husband or son - in - law . You may feel sure that my future husband , Jake , will not be treated in such a manner . Mr . Olson came down from Topeka last night . She came to dinner with Philip today . I treated him as cool as possible , was not at all glad to see him . Please write as soon as you find a little spare time . With true and unfailing love , I remain yours , Louisa I was very happy to receive your letter with all the news . You have to forgive me that it took me so long to write last week . I worked for 7 1 / 2 days . The mill was running all the time even on Sunday . Will worked , too . The week seemed so long since I didn 't get to see you , but I hope to see you next Sunday unless the boss decides to make us work again . That would be terrible , don 't you think so ? It seems that you spent the weekend in good company . I would like to be there sometimes when Miss Studies visits you . You need to buy yourself a new dress , that might make your finger feel better . The news about your cousin Jack surprised me . I feel sorry for him that he has a wife with more fat than brain . She probably drove him to drinking . But at the same time I feel sorry for any girl who is married to a man with a drinking problem . I believe you that you will never treat me like that , but don 't forget that my name isn 't Jack Burkle either . I thought you would be happy to see your old lover again . You don 't have to be cold to him because of me . I hope to see and your finger well and happy next Sunday . Did you see the eclipse of the sun ? I am writing you a few lines so you don 't lose any sleep like last week . I don 't want you to be upset . I love you too much . I don 't have any news to tell you . People are so busy with politics these days . I brought the pants back home as the seamstress moved and I don 't know where . Mrs . Pierce was very happy to get your flowers and she said to tell you thank you . Nellie was there also . Tuesday morning I went to see Ida . I came back home on Sunday . She told me that she heard that your aunt was really upset with the Gnrefkones and didn 't have much good to say about them . She also said that Jake was foolish for not having left any sooner . They are having a dance here tonight and tomorrow night . How is your family doing , I hope well . Do you still have your finger ? I don 't know yet if I will be able to come down next Sunday . As I promised you I will write you a letter . It will be a short one since I don 't have a lot of time tonight . Tomorrow morning I have to work for Dreisbach . I have to work on the corn stone . I started working on it tonight but it will probably take me a few days . I am not stuck on the job . The evening newspaper wrote that Cleveland was elected . I won my $ 5 . 00 pair of shoes . ( Poor Jim ) I really feel sorry for him . He told me that he lost $ 100 . 00 in bets . Will won the best pair of shoes in Menger 's store in Bigsby . Menger lost about $ 20 . 00 but I don 't feel sorry for him at all . He was always shooting off his mouth as if he was eating a Democrat for breakfast every morning . I told Jim that the shoes would be my wedding shoes and he was very pleased . I asked everyone around here about the trash that I found in my pocket , but nobody admitted to doing it . I think Minnie stuck it in my pocket . The weather is not very nice today . How did the wedding cake taste ? I hope it was good . I am doing very well except that my feet are cold . The fire in the office went out ; therefore I better end this letter and hope you will get this in good health . No doubt you will be surprised to hear that Henry is not at Bennington but at Topeka . He was thrown out of a job on account of the drug stock being sold out . This job at Topeka is not permanent , he is only taking a sick clerk � s place until he is again able to attend to business . I went with Philip and aunt and uncle . There were about twenty five guests at the wedding . The ceremony took place at twelve o � clock . We got there about ten minutes before . Mr . and Mrs . Noll took the 3 : 50 train for Leavenworth . How about it , did you throw some rice or old shoes at them while they were passing ? Will tell you all the particulars about the wedding when you are here next Sunday . It would take too much space to write it all . I am glad it is so near Sunday again the time for you and I to see and talk with one another . Sunday is the happiest day in the week for me , when you are here . So sorry you had to wait for a letter for so long , but I really didn 't have any news . I took a little longer on Dreisbach 's corn stone . I finally finished it yesterday . Today I have to work all night Bigsby went to Oskaloosa to a party . My landlady and Mrs . Pierce went to Lawrence . Did you get to see them ? Don 't you agree that the weather is beautiful ? Your sleigh ride didn 't come about Sorry , that all your expectations don 't come true . Did your aunt spit out all her gallbladder on Monday so you can have some peace the rest of the week ? I hope you don 't take after her or I would declare the 30 year war . I don 't think I will come tomorrow . I will either go to Will 's house or I might go hunting . Mrs . Fischer invited me for Thanksgiving . I will come to see you then on Thursday . Will and his family will join us . We had a scandal in your religious circle . I will tell you about it later . Write to me next Sunday and think about me a lot . My thoughts will also be with you as always . I received your nice letter and will try to answer it . As I see you are in a good mood which makes me happy . Sorry you were a little late with your invitation . Maybe I need to invite myself , what do you think about that ? I didn 't go hunting last Sunday since I didn 't have any salt . Maybe you can give me some when I come to see you . I went to see Will and tasted his wine . He just finished building a smoke house . We feel like we can climb mountains unless our legs are too heavy from the wine . I got my shoes but I haven 't worn them yet . Maybe we will have nice weather on Thursday . Hope you are well and happy . No doubt Eda heard all about Minnie and Jake � s trouble , while she was in L . and I think I can guess who told her that . Auntie scolded about Gnefgows for Mrs . Hammert was here last Saturday morning and bean to talk about how sorry she felt for Jake being treated as he was and that she could not sleep any last Friday night after hearing how � poor Jake � ( as she said ) was treated by Gnefgows . Of course you know by what auntie told you last Sunday , that she is down on Gnefgows and the way she spoke to you , she also spoke to Mrs . Hammert . Did you attend the show or dance ? If so , hope you enjoyed it . But think you had your show and dance in the mill . My family , including myself , is not in the best of health . I have taken a very severe cold every bone seems to ache , have been cleaning house , think we will finish this week . Auntie says I should tell you that she would like to hire you as cook and dishwasher until our sores heal up . She tried to chop her hand off with a hatchet , but as it was so dull , did not succeed . Lucky to have dull instruments sometimes , is it not ? She did cut quite a gash but it is not as sore now , as my finger that I cut six weeks ago . Think I will have the doctor lance it tomorrow for it is so painful . I dread the thought of having it lanced . The YMCA delegates that I was telling you about arrived yesterday afternoon and will remain until Saturday . They are very nice folks . I went uptown with one of them this evening for a walk . But Jake , don � t worry for it was only an eight year old girl that I went walking with and the delegate is her mother . There are over four hundred attending the YMCA convention . Would like to have you come to see me Sunday , if you can . Your love , Louisa . Arrived here on Sunday evening 15 minutes past 10 : 00 p . m . I was stiff from the cold weather and the trip was boring especially the last 5 miles didn 't want to pass . I thought about you the whole time and how nice and warm you were behind the warm stove and I wondered if you were also thinking about cold Jake . I was also looking for the comet but couldn 't see anything . We had a small explosion here in the mill on Monday morning so we couldn 't work for two days . That was a good time to catch up on my sleep . Monday and Tuesday night I went to bed at 9 : 00 p . m . Today the mill is running again . Otto Fischer also went to Tonganoxie on Sunday . He came back home with his wife on Monday afternoon . Henry ? ? ? got married on Monday in Lawrence . The weather is great and I would love to be outdoors . It probably wouldn 't stay nice very long . I 'll bet it will be cold again next Sunday . I hope you amused yourself last Sunday . Too bad the day was so short , or it would have been even better . There is nothing new here . I hope you have a good appetite . Six meals a day ! ! No doubt you were in need of it . I was very sorry that you had to go home all alone last Sunday . How much nicer it would have been , if it would have been so that I could have gone with you . I know the ride would not been near so long for you know I am good at entertaining when out riding , as you found out in the afternoon . Of course it was much pleasanter sitting behind the stove but I did not enjoy it half as well as I would , had you been sitting behind the stove with me . Although I had company until almost ten and was busy entertaining them , my thoughts were with you . Wondered if you were lonesome or cold . I took a severe cold Sunday , was hardly able to speak above a whisper Monday morning . It is a great deal better now and think your coming to see me next Sunday will cure it altogether , so don � t fail to come , for I am expecting you . With love , from your silly girl , Louisa . You will get this letter a little late , but late is better than never . If anything new would have happened here I would have written to you sooner . I have had a terrible headache for the last few days that I couldn 't even think straight , except I always think about you . Well , what do you think about this weather ? It is snowing again . Maybe the snow will stay until Sunday and then we can go sledding . It is still leap year . If Fanny is still there she can go with us . He would probably enjoy it . I hope your family is well and don 't get too bored , and if you get bored just think about me . Had a letter from Henry , not Henry Hiener but my brother . He has a job at St . Mary � s , Kan . For the past week , in the same store Johney worked before he went into business here . It was just twenty - five minutes past nine when we left the house . The train should have been due at three but it was forty minutes late , so it was almost four when it left the depot . When we arrived home , uncle said someone must have been here for he found the doors all open and we soon found that it was you from the nice little note you left and the chunk of chewing gum and the nuts . You should have heard us ( Minnie , auntie and I ) quarreling over the chewing gum and the nut , each wanted to claim it . Now we will wait until you come again and then you will have to tell who you had referred to . Well , Jake , I know I am stubborn sometimes , or perhaps , as you think quite often , and you are not the only one that knows you think so , for auntie is on her ear this morning and has been more than giving me the dickens and did not forget to say , that she does not blame Mr . Freienmuth for calling me bull - headed for he has all reason in the world to do so . Which no doubt he has . So you see you have the sympathy of my dear beloved aunt . I � ll be looking for you Saturday . Hope it will not be so cold , when you come . This is the shortest day of the year . From one who loves you , although she is stubborn . I thought to surprise you , I would write you a few lines to let you know how I am getting along . Well to begin with , Monday evening I went to the theater . It was very good for the admission they charge , but I did not enjoy it very much for my head pained me very badly . Now you won � t be mad , will you ? For I went with auntie and not that red headed fellow . But perhaps you will not allow me to use it as a carpet , for I remember of you saying you will not have a carpet on the floor on account of it not being healthy and that you would rather have a scrubbed floor . Well , it such is the case , we can make use of it some other way , perhaps we can use it for a curtain , tablecloth , or a quilt . Don � t you think so ? I at first thought I would write you just such a letter as I received from you last week , but I changed my mind and concluded to return good fore evil or , rather a long letter for a note . Hope you are enjoying good health and that you sometimes think of me . I must close for it is time for all good folks to be in bed and rogues on their way . This time I will write to you with a pencil . It is as good as ink . Nothing new is happening here . Working , eating and sleeping . One day is like the other . I have a terrible cold that I can 't get rid off . I bought me a bottle of Schnapps , maybe that will help . I would like to visit my sister - in - law in the country but the weather is so bad . How are you doing ? I hope you are well and that you and your aunt patched things up . She really made me mad last Sunday and I know she didn 't stick with the truth . But we know her and it really doesn 't matter what she says . Well , you better pay attention to all the news I have to tell you . I arrived here on Monday in a good mood . I had company until Beno . Mrs . Morris came up to take a picture of the large walnut log which will be sent to Chicago for the exhibition . It is 7 feet around and 40 feet long . I guess you noticed that it is very cold . Make sure you don 't get icicles on your nose . I have a bad cold again . We don 't have any wheat so I don 't have to work tonight . I think I will sit by the warm stove tonight . It would be nice if you could be here with me , it would be so much nicer . It would be even nicer if husband and wife could sit in front of a warm stove together . Will is going to Lawrence tonight to visit his wife . I received a letter from your brother in Texas . He wrote that his business is doing very well which he didn 't expect . If I have time and the weather is good I might come on Saturday . I would like to go to the theater . I will let you know before . I am so sorry that I disappointed you again . I know that you are not very happy with me , but please don 't be mad at me . I really wanted to come visit you last Saturday evening , but I had a really bad cold all week with coughing and headache . Yesterday morning I felt a little better , but in the afternoon I had a terrible headache again . I thought it would be better if I stayed at home until I felt better . Never left the house on Saturday and today I only went to the barber shop . You must be very lonesome today . It has been a long time that I didn 't come to see you on Sunday . You just have to find something to do to fill your time . I don 't even have an aunt or an uncle here to entertain me . I am all by myself . Will didn 't return from Lawrence until Friday evening . He told me that his wife was doing much better . Guess you probably already know that . I heard that your aunt visits there quite a bit , I imagine they are discussing our business , hope they are having fun . About the remark you made ( everything is the way it was ) you don 't believe that yourself . You must have been in a bad mood or your aunt was making some remarks . I bet she was happy that I didn 't come down last Sunday . In case you are interested in today 's paper you can read that the Cherokee Bill passed the Senate and it will be a law in the near future . Our flour drummer ran away with about $ 800 . 00 and he didn 't even let his wife know . That is about all the news I have . I hope you are feeling well considering all the circumstances . Don 't give up . We are working tonight , but since I promised you on Wednesday I don 't want to disappoint you and I will come down to visit you and aunt and uncle . I hope we will have a good time . I was reading in the paper that we can expect a blizzard . So be careful , I don 't want you to be surprised by it . Nothing else is new . Wonder the ink was not frozen again like last week , it was much colder yesterday than any day last week , but then I forget you were sitting by the warm stove and no draft , you held the ink bottle into the fire to thaw the ink . I am so glad you thought of it for it . I don � t mean the theater , alone but your company I will enjoy the most . Just wanted to let you know that I will come down this evening even though the weather will not be very nice . I don 't know yet if I will dress up . It depends if I can find something . You go ahead and find something for yourself just in case . I think it is better if we go together , don 't you think so ? Try to talk your aunt into going , too . Nothing else is new . I did work last night . Will 's wife is in Lawrence again . I have been looking for a letter both yesterday and today but the letter I looked for never came , was very much disappointed . Don � t know why you did not write Sunday as you said you would , perhaps sickness or work has kept you from it , or have you forgotten all about Louisa ? You know what I have reference to . The hash � slinger � at Hettich � s boarding house . Well the poor girl I do feel very sorry for her for she seems downhearted and worried and I know it is all because she has not seen nor heard anything of Jake , the miller boy of Tonganoxie , for such a long time . After I went to sleep , I had a dream about you and when I awoke out of the dream , I was very much excited about it . They say when one wakes up a - dreaming , whatever they are dreaming about will come true . I should be very sorry if this one , would prove true , it would make me feel bad , indeed . But I have more confidence in you than to think what I dreamt will prove true . Will tell you all about it next Sunday , or before , if you come before Sunday . Wish you would for it seems such a long time , since you were here . Now if you are not sick or too busy please drop me a few words to let me know that you are still amongst the living . With love , and best wishes for your future happiness I will close . I remain as ever your one true love , Louisa Sorry you had to wait a long time for a letter . As you know not much is happening here . I could have written to you about our snow storm , but you had one too . Last Sunday I stayed at home as usual . I wasn 't dressed to go anywhere . You probably went for a walk . Hope it agreed with you . Will was in Lawrence . His son is supposed to be sick again you might know that already . I read in the paper that Schuster Daby passed away . I have to work all night tonight . Bigsby is going to Oskaloosa to a Fasching party . ( masquerade party ) . I worked on a stone for Dreisbach and got a piece in my eye . It is red and swollen , but I hope it will be better by Sunday . There is a Minstrel show next Saturday . If you feel like it and I have time we can go to it . Well , how are you feeling since the party in the sports center ? I felt better after I got home and my special girl ( if you know who I am talking about ) is doing well . Your anxiously awaited for letter came yesterday afternoon was very glad when it arrived for it seemed such a long time since I last heard from you . Was sorry to hear that you have such a bad cold , hope it will be better by the time you come again , if not . I think I can cure it for you , at least , I will try very hard . Mrs . Freienmuth called here this morning . She feels quite well and Otto is much better than he was . She expects to go home in a few days . She seems very anxious to get home to her hubby , well , I don � t blame her . I would feel the same way if I had a husband . I would not like to be away from him for such a long time either , would you ? I was tired too , for you know I danced so much , it took me until now to rest up . Oh my ! Don � t you pity me ? Did I promise to write you a letter this week ? I can 't remember . I want to write you a few lines anyway so you wouldn 't be upset . I don 't have any news to tell you . Just wanted to let you know that I got home O . K . I worked last night and probably tonight . That will probably all the night shift for this week . I am glad . I might visit my sister - in - law this week if the weather holds up . It has been more than two months since I was there . I might not find my way . Well , did you dance a lot on Tuesday in the sports hall , and I almost forgot the masquerade party . Did you dress up as a lover ? How many lovers did you find ? Probably a dozen . How does your uncle feel after his trip ? Does he still want to be buried in his G . A . R . uniform ? I hope he got this out of his mind for a while and he will have a few more drinks . Your aunt might even get married again and that would be terrible . I hope you are happy and in good health . I heard the birds sing this morning . Spring must be on the way . Your letter reached me yesterday afternoon , it was dated March 3rd but reached me on the 2nd . Had it not been for my address on the envelope I would not have known that it was for me , for you forgot to mention any name in the heading of your letter . Wonder what you were thinking of at the time . I will overlook your mistake this time , hoping you will not be so thoughtless the next time you write . Had a letter from cousin Adolph this morning , stating that he had a letter from his mother this week , telling him that two of his brothers , the one that � s at home and the one in Minnesota intend going to the Cherokee nation as soon as the strip is opened and that you and I may have company . He seems to think that I am going with you . They intend to come through L . when they go the same time they do . I put off writing until tonight hoping I might have some news , but nothing happened . I don 't want to disappoint you so I thought I might write you just a few lines . We worked for three nights . We had to stop working since we didn 't have any wheat . The rain really messed up the roads , but today was a very nice day . Hope you used this nice weather and went for a walk . Tuesday morning I worked for Dreisbach , but I wore my glasses . How did your fight end on Monday with your aunt ? She made me angry on Sunday with her old stories about raising children . The concert you bought the tickets for , last Sunday , it was very good and I enjoyed it , had it not been for the severe headache I had . It was late when we got home , but had for my headache it would not have been too late to write to you so you surely will excuse me for not answering your letter . All day yesterday and today I felt miserable . I am taking medicine but don � t seem to do much good . I have a small present for you . I intended to mail it this afternoon , but did not get through early enough so as to get to the post office before it was closed . So I will have to mail tomorrow � it will be better late , than I received your very nice letter and the nice present and I want to thank you very much for both . I was very surprised and I will always treasure it . I got your letter yesterday . Will didn 't go to the post office on Tuesday . I expected a letter on Monday . I am very sorry that you are not feeling well , but I hope that you will be well by next Sunday . I visited my brother last Sunday . They were very surprised to see me . The weather was nice so Will was working as always . He was stringing wires for his grapes . I helped him a little and afterwards we drank a bottle of wine together . Eda seems to be doing very well . Otto was very wild . We had a big fire here yesterday . Two stores and an apartment building were on fire . I didn 't find out about it until everything was over . I stayed at home and read . Tonganoxie couldn 't afford a fire bell yet . They were able to save almost everything from the stores . Some old lady went upstairs and threw things through the window . When she tried to come down the stairs they were burning so she had to jump out of the window . I was looking forward to nicer weather , but it didn 't look like spring today . Did you know that your new neighbors are from Tonganoxie ? It is the ones who moved into the Central Hotel . They had a hotel here also , but it wasn 't very successful . We are working day and night this week . The boss bought a few truck loads of wheat . I figure you didn 't expect me last Sunday . You didn 't mention anything in your letter . Don 't be upset with me . I haven 't missed many Sundays . If I would have known that you were ill I would have come . I would have given you the best of care . It probably would have been better than medicine . I hope you feel well soon . I have to ask you to forgive me if this letter is very short . Nothing happened here that is worth writing about . We only worked two nights . The orders are scarce . We have a few orders for next month . I guess I will catch up on my sleep . Tonight is a Mardi Gras party , the last one of the season . I won 't go to it . On Monday I went to Jaedicke 's store and ordered wire for Will and Frances told me that Fischer had a little girl and everyone was doing fine . I finally have some news . I don 't know yet what I will be doing next Sunday ; I will let you know in a letter . In two weeks is Easter and I wonder what kind of eggs the bunny will have for me ? Hope you are feeling well . I had a good time at 3 : 30 Philip and I went over to the W . P . depot to meet Henry . We looked for him in the morning but he did not come , so we thought he had changed his mind about coming . About eleven o � clock John came over from the store and told us that Henry had just telephoned to him that Phil and I should be at the depot at 3 : 47 as he would come on that train . Then the boys got a rig and spent our time up until half past six , riding . Henry was very much surprised to think that you did not come to see me yesterday . I had a good time at 3 : 30 Philip and I went over to the W . P . depot to meet Henry . We looked for him in the morning but he did not come , so we thought he had changed his mind about coming . About eleven o � clock John came over from the store and told us that Henry had just telephoned to him that Phil and I should be at the depot at 3 : 47 as he would come on that train . Then the boys got a rig and spent our time up until half past six , riding . Henry was very much surprised to think that you did not come to see me yesterday . Well , I suppose you have made up your mind before this , about what you are going to do after your return from Oklahoma , next month . Remember you said you would let me know as last Sunday , yesterday , and as you did not come , you might let me know in your next letter , what your decision is . I would like a letter with a good many more words , please , that is if you have the time to spare . I think I have said enough . Gut nacht mein Lieber shatz . From Louisa I received your letter yesterday afternoon and I enjoyed the good news , as I read you had a lot of fun last Sunday . It must have been a lot of fun to ride in a buggy in such good company . I forgot all about John 's birthday . I bet you had a lot of fun . Just think I was at home all day on Sunday with nothing to do . I just sat and laid around and read . I thought about going to Will 's , but I was too lazy . You must know that even I can be very lazy . It was a very nice day and it seemed like springtime . I bet it is very lively in Lawrence . Right now we only work during the day , the business is not doing very well . I don 't mind it at all . I am in bed every night at 9 : 30 p . m . to get some sleep . I was the supervisor today and might be tomorrow . Will is planting trees at home . His workers are a little slow so he thought it might be better if he stayed at home . I don 't blame him . I will give you the answer to your question when I see you . If you should be in a hurry let me know and I will send you a telegram . That is all the news I have . I will see you next Sunday . As I promised you I will write you a few lines . Sorry that I can 't come to see you tonight . We are working at night . We had to do some repairs on Monday and Tuesday so we have to catch up on the time we lost . I will give you the pleasure some other time . I hope you are not too disappointed . It must be very hot in the opera house by now . So you didn 't vote for the candidate for mayor . I had better luck here . Our female candidate for mayor only received four votes . Otto Fischer is now town father . I didn 't even know that he was a candidate . Two of Dr . Abdellah 's girls were in Eudora on Tuesday evening for the Easter ball . Bigsby and Jung Bangs were there . I got your snippy letter from last Tuesday and I am surprised that you wrote to me after you were so disappointed . If I would do to you as you did to me I shouldn 't even answer your letter until next week . You must have been awfully busy that you couldn 't write any sooner or maybe you have a new attraction somewhere else . I just hope you will be happier than you are with me . I didn 't go anywhere last Sunday though you might think that I was meeting someone else . I haven 't been feeling well since the end of last week and all this week . That is the reason why I didn 't come down . Since I didn 't hear from you I figured you wouldn 't care . I know what you mean about hanging , just don 't forget to breathe . From now on I will not make any promises so you wouldn 't be disappointed . I will just come or not come . You probably expected a letter on Thursday , but since I didn 't have any news I waited until tonight . The newest here is that I changed boarding houses . Now I only live two blocks away . That saves me 20 blocks a day . I was so tired of walking that far every day . The food is pretty good . The mill hasn 't been running for three days . We don 't have any wheat . Hasn 't the weather been terrible the last few days ? I read in the paper that the wind blew the church steeple in Lawrence down . Well , how are you doing ? I hope you are well and happy . You can write me a nice long German letter next Sunday . I am planning on visiting Will . I hope you will not be upset that I will not be coming . My thoughts are always with you in love . I received your nice letter last Sunday and I was very happy to read that you think about me a lot . It was really a nice and lovely letter . Since you can ask so nicely that I should write to you soon , I will respect your wish and answer your letter right now . A lot of people were surprised that I moved away from Elliott . Nellie bothers you more than she did me . If I would have been stuck on her I would have never moved . There is a girl in my new place , too . I didn 't take the trouble to find out what her name is . Last Sunday I went to see Will . They were just leaving when I got there . They invited me to come along to visit a German friend . So I accepted . The weather wasn 't so nice . It rained all the way home . We worked a couple of nights this week . You have probably been waiting for a letter from me since Thursday . I waited to write hoping something interesting would happen , but that wasn 't the case . Everything is the same . The mill has been running for four nights . Mister Fischer is at Will 's place . He is supposed to stay there for a few days . Don 't know if I will be able to come next Sunday . If I am not there for dinner , then don 't wait for me . You just have to find something to do to pass the time . Just don 't flirt with the tailor . They are supposed to be dangerous animals . Good advice is always helpful . That is all the news I have . My thoughts are always with you . I received your letter on Monday and happy to hear all the news . I would have answered you sooner but the weather was so bad . It rained all morning . I hope the weather will be nice on Sunday . We didn 't work this week . I rode Jim 's pony to Will 's house last Sunday . It started to rain as soon as I got there . It finally stopped around 7 : 00 p . m . so I started back home . Mr . Fischer is still there . He painted the kitchen but it had spots all over . On Tuesday somebody reopened the old cheese factory . I am so sorry to hear that you haven 't been feeling well and still had to work so hard and then they still called you lazy . And now to the spider story . I hope you didn 't believe what Minnie said . I bet you were happy that Mrs . Wattermelon came to see you . I believe you that she was very nosy . Mr . Ruediger could be a good match for her . Your heart must have been on fire last Sunday if you didn 't need a heater in the middle of the winter . I hope you have enough heat for two . I would love to be your bee . On a nice day a bee always goes to the sweetest flower to get the juice . Try to be a sweet as you can be on Sunday . That is all I can think of . I thought I better write you a few lines so you will not be disappointed . I don 't really have any news . I arrived here on Sunday evening at 11 : 00 p . m . It was really lonesome and I kept wishing you would be here with me . I don 't think you would have minded it either . Yesterday the students had finals at the academy . Morris from Lawrence was here and took pictures of them . He came to visit me and told me that this place was too small for Louisa . I told him that the place where Louisa was born was a lot smaller . This week we only worked during the day . The weather is just gorgeous . Tell Phillip to come up next Sunday and bring you . You can sit in front if there is no room in the back . I received your nice letter from last Sunday and was so glad to hear from you , but I would have preferred to see you in person . You would have had a good time if you would have come with Phillip . We had very little rain last Saturday . It looked worse than it was . So you and the tailor were house sitting last Sunday . I wonder if you were really watchful . We had a wedding here last weekend . Don 't think that we live behind the moon . I found out at Will 's last Sunday that Lizzie is getting married to the old Read . The wedding will be on the 7th of June and you are going to the World Fair . I don 't think Lizzie will be very happy . Maybe she hopes to be a rich widow soon . If we could only read a person 's mind . The things we could find out . I have to tell you something else . I got a letter from brother Edward and he informed me that he is getting married in three to four weeks , he doesn 't want to wait until he is 60 . He wants all the family members to be present . Well , the Freienmuths are slowly all getting married even if you doubt it . I hope you don 't give up hope on me . That is all the news I have . The weather is wintery this morning . I hope you are well and happy . From your letter I gather that you had more news than I did . It rained here but not in the inkpot . We don 't have such wonders here in Tonganoxie . We had to work last Tuesday . A lot of people went to Leavenworth mostly to see the circus . Mrs . Freienmuth was in Lawrence on Tuesday . Miss Fischer and Baby came back with her . Miss Clark was also on the train on Monday morning . She probably went to Leavenworth ; she acted like she didn 't see me . Right now we are working at night . You can make your own decision about the picnic , you are still free and can do what you want ( you would probably rather be hooked ) . If you want to mess around with a country boy then I wish you lots of luck . I received your letter from last Sunday and I figure that you would like to receive an answer , so I will write you a few lines . Don 't really know if you will like what I have to say . You wrote that you are planning on being your own boss for a long time and that you will take advantage of that in the near future . Don 't really know what you mean by that . But if you are thinking about having a romance with someone else then you better let me know right away . It is better to end things quickly . I have noticed for a long time that you don 't trust me anymore and if there is no trust then there is no love . The whole mess started because I put off the wedding for a while . I will explain to you later why I had to do this . If you can wait a while then everything is O . K . , but if not , then you can stand on your head with your aunt . It must not have been very important what Ms . Farland had to say , otherwise you might have told me . A day before yesterday two boys from here were sent to reform school , and yesterday two black boys were sent to Leavenworth for horse theft . Yesterday the black boy from Barbier from Lawrence went crazy . They put him in the Calaboose and two men guarded him . Sunday morning we had a bad hailstorm . Will 's grapes were totally destroyed . It rained almost all day long and I stayed at home the whole day . Lizie Reatz ? ? ? did have nice weather . Mrs . Freienmuth was not invited to the wedding . We just had a big downpour . You probably got it in Lawrence too . It was terribly hot today and I was hotter today than the last six months . Today I got an invitation from Texas for the wedding . The wedding is June 26 at 11 : 00 a . m . in the Protestant Lutheran church . ( You see you non - believer ) Ed is expecting me but I will write to him and let him know that I am unable to attend . Eda was in Lawrence today and bought the wedding gifts . I am going out there to look at the presents and we are going to send everything together . Mrs . Fischer and Anna came up and Mr . Fischer will follow tomorrow in the buggy . Yesterday I went to the show , they had a woman in stone , it was quite interesting . I will tell you more in person in case you want to know about it . I hope you are healthy and happy . Another single guy is trapped , but not the right one . I don 't know if you expected me today or not and I hope that you were disappointed that I didn 't make it . I would have written to you last week , but I didn 't have any news . I thought maybe you would come up since you mentioned it . Maybe you were busy or the travelling is getting expensive . That has been happening to me lately in these tough times . I worked really hard this week . If I would have gotten the job at Piersons I wouldn 't have to work so hard . It was terribly hot . Well , I don 't think that you got too hot this week . I hope your aunt takes care of the perspiring for you . Did you visit her yet for old time � s sake ? Don 't neglect the poor old woman totally . If we run out of wheat and don 't work then I might come to see you . I received your letter and was very happy since I didn 't expect one . I was planning on writing today even though I have no news . I am going to Will 's house for dinner for Spring chicken . It is kind of war ~ to have to walk . Will got a letter from Ed . It must have been a terrible wedding . They ( i5rt ~ ~ there . His sister didn 't come . She wasn 't feeling well . I don 't have any plans for the Fourth of July . I can come to Lawrence and we can go somewhere . I am glad that Henry is in Lawrence . I think it is best if I come tomorrow night . Greetings to the family and keep yourself in good health . Would you be so kind and take my watch to Willman 's ? I dropped it and the balance wheel broke . I wouldn 't have bothered you if I would have known Willman 's phone number . Tell Willman to express the watch to me . Hope you got home safe and sound . I am doing O . K . Bet your aunt was happy to see you so soon . Yesterday morning I received your valuable writing and as I can see you are already working hard which makes me happy . I didn 't work yesterday . The mill is not running . The boss said that we wouldn 't work this week , but he can change his mind any minute . I better stick around in case we have work . Otherwise I would visit you this week . I went to the farm yesterday and told Eda that you are not staying with your aunt anymore . She said you should come live with her she would love to have you . You might not want to do � you will be getting an invitation to aunt 's birthday . I will be coming over next Sunday ; I really want to see you . Nothing else is new . I just know that you are waiting for a letter . It is kind of late , but better than nothing at all . Don 't know anything new except that a circus is coming to town next week I am inviting you to go there with me . We worked nights this week . Monday evening I had to go to work right away . Will was out sick for a day this week . I have had a headache for the past few days . I hope you are well and happy and I know that you don 't work very hard since your aunt can 't bother you anymore . It was very cool here last night . Did you hear anything from Phillip ? I am not sure if I can come down tomorrow . Don 't expect me if I am not there for dinner . I got your letter from last Sunday and I will hurry and answer you even though nothing has happened here . Last Sunday I stayed at home all day . I was even too lazy to visit my brother . It was very boring . I would have loved to be in your company . I could have come down in a buggy , but you know that gets expensive . I will not make it next Sunday either , but maybe on Saturday evening , but I don 't know for sure . I bet Phillip arrived happily in enced had a lot of news . I � m surprised that your aunt only has two orders left . She probably complained about you all the time and they got tired of listening to it . We don 't work nights this week . Jim Love is losing his job on September 1 , and young Jang will take his job . Big Sly 's brother got married in the country last week and nobody in his family knew about it . Well , I hope your family is well . I have to go for now . To put your mind to rest I will write you a few lines and for sure you will be surprised to hear from me . I don 't know much of anything . The train was sitting in the depot on Monday evening when I got there . I had lots of men , two women and three children and few men and one of them was Orrin . There were also a few car loads of pigs and oxen . It was very hot today . I am going to see Eda this afternoon before I travel to rod 's country . I wonder if Phillip got the ( Pon Wav ) the same night . Beer has a great effect on a lot of people . Let me know if you are coming up on Saturday . Well , write me a few lines . Don 't know if I should write you a long or a short letter . What I think about this place I can tell you in a few words . It is terrible . You can 't imagine it if you didn 't see it with your own two eyes . I am writing this letter sitting under a tree in the yard , but don 't think this yard is very nice . It is filthy . As you saw when I was leaving that I got a seat . Others were not that lucky . My neighbor took half of my seat and to top it off he took off his shoes which didn 't improve the smell . There were two more trains behind us and at every stop more people got on and by the time we reached Arkansas City there was hardly any standing room . We arrived in Newton at 4 : 00 a . m . and I had to change trains and they were all full . I ate breakfast there , one cup of coffee and a sandwich for 20 cents . At 11 : 30 a . m . I arrived here . The situation is not good at all . The newspapers make it sound better than it really is . Every day a few thousand people come here and every empty lot is full with horse and wagon ; every house is a boarding house . I slept last night on a porch with a few blankets under me for 25 cents and 25 cents for meals . Here is the most terrible mob that I have ever seen . You hardly see anyone in decent clothing . Everyone is filthy dirty . You can 't imagine how dry and dusty it is . It hasn 't rained in a few months ; the land is sandy and the hot - - - south wind blows the dust in clouds . I went to the line yesterday to sign up and there were about 4000 people ahead of me . Some of them were laying in the sand , others were sitting or standing . All of them were covered with dust and you couldn 't tell if they were black or white . After I was there for two hours I looked just like the rest of them . My clothes are way too good for this place ; I stick out like a sore thumb . There are hardly any ladies on the street which is understandable since the roads are filled day and night with pedestrians , horses and wagons . Hundreds of people line up in front of the Post Office waiting for mail . We are four guys in the boarding house from Tonganoxie . Another one only stayed one day and went back home . I don 't know yet if I can handle that rat race , it is dangerous . I read the paper every day to know what is going on . You don 't have to answer this letter . I will write to you again in a few days . 1001 kisses from your faithful Jake Plenty of beer in town . Don 't have any special news to tell you but you might be waiting for a letter . I arrived here on Sunday at midnight tired from the long trip . I am not used to such long trips . The mill is not running yet . We might start it up before Friday and then it will be running day and night . I still don 't know yet how to visit you on Sunday . I might have to walk ; wouldn 't that be funny if I arrived on Sunday on foot in Lawrence ? Will didn 't work yet this week he doesn 't feel well . The wind whistled today like crazy . The Democrats are having a picnic with an ox on the pit and you are invited . I hope you are doing well and if I hurt your feelings last Sunday with my stupid talk I am very sorry and I want to apologize . I hope you will forgive me as love excuses everything . I received your letter last Friday . The content made me very happy . Don 't ever think that I would get tired of it if you write about our future . That is what we are hoping for . I will try my best to make you happy . I am very sorry that I can 't visit you today , on Sunday . It is not what I wanted ; I wanted so much to see you . We started the mill yesterday and the boss said that we had to work today also . So you see it is not my fault . If I would have known sooner I would have let you know . If I have a chance I will come down this week , but don 't count on it . It is a beautiful day today and I am sorry that I have to spend it in the mill instead of in your nice company . It would be much nicer , don 't you think so ? I received your letter and as always I was anxiously awaiting it . I thought you spent last Sunday outside instead in the house . I was very angry that I couldn 't be with you since it was such a nice day . I earned $ 3 . 00 . Will paid us time and a half for Sunday . The Fischer family and Lillie Jaedicke were visiting the farm on Saturday and Sunday . What is the matter with the horses in Lawrence ? We constantly hear about a runaway . I am sorry that Henry had so much bad luck ; could have been worse . Bertha Kintzler is wearing a new dress and it fits her very well . I didn 't have a chance this week to come down . We are working day and night . Don 't know yet if we have to work next Saturday night . If I am not there by 8 : 00 p . m . don 't expect me . I will get there on Sunday somehow . Your letter from last Monday arrived yesterday evening and I was very happy to hear from you . I expected a letter from you on Saturday . I should have known that you wouldn 't write unless you got a letter from me first . That is the way you are . But let 's not be enemies . I feel pretty good and I don 't need anything except for a few thousand dollars to set up house . You really scared me with your list in your letter . We don 't have to buy at Sticks we can go to another store . I talked to Will Heinen last Saturday about renting Henry 's house , but he had rented it out a few days before . I found another one for rent close to the Heinen 's house . I am going to take a look at it . It looks like a barn on the outside , but I haven 't seen the inside yet . I am sorry about your job ; but you must know what you are doing . I wouldn 't like it either if my boss would cut my pay . I knew you would be disappointed that I didn 't come down on Sunday . I worked very hard on Saturday and I was very tired and on Sunday it was too cold . I would love to see you this week but we are very busy . We have orders for 10 car loads of flour and therefore we have to work day and night . I will try to come down next Saturday . Eda F . was in Lawrence on Monday and Tuesday . We are getting a new postmaster in Tonga and they are building three new brick homes . That is more than you can say about Lawrence . I finally have a little time this morning so I will write you a few lines . I know that you are waiting for a letter . I don 't have anything special to tell you , except that I worked from Monday at noon until Tuesday morning . We are short on water again . I still have my cold . I hope you feel better . Dr . Abdellacee and Mrs . Feil were here yesterday . The doctor had to do surgery on Gilliland . He had an infection on his leg . He is staying with his father - in - law Metz . Will has company from St . Louis Mr . Fischer and his brother . I don 't know yet if I can come next Saturday . I would love to see you . Don 't know anything else to write except that it is very cold this morning . You probably noticed the same thing when you were going to work . We are working nights again . I don 't get up until 8 : 00 o ' clock . Will asked me if we would come out next Thursday . Eda wants to know it . She is planning on butchering a big goose . Please let me know if you want to come or not . You can do what you want . I promised Eda that I would be there . But it also depends on the weather . I got sore legs from the long march on Sunday . I hope it didn 't bother you . I don 't know yet if I will be able to come next Sunday . I received your letter on Saturday evening . I was expecting it , but didn 't know if you received my letter early enough to answer me last week ; but I see that the postmaster did get the letter out in time . I couldn 't have come last week even if I wanted to . I had to work Saturday night since Bigsby went home . I didn 't get to bed until 6 : 00 a . m . on Sunday morning and I got up at 1 : 00 p . m . The weather wasn 't very nice . I bet you didn 't go for a long walk . I stayed at home and read . On Thursday I will be waiting for you at the Depot and I will make sure that you get home safely . This will be the last love letter that you will receive from me and I think you will be happy about it . I had to listen to a lot of whispering since last Tuesday . Everyone seems to know something . I am having a hard time finding a place they are old barracks with no room . I wished you could be here to find a house , as I don 't want you not to like it . It looks like the weather is going to be nice . I got a letter from Ed . The two Bangs will be coming to the wedding . I went to see Judge Norton on Tuesday but he was not in the office . Don 't have any other news . Good Bye until tomorrow afternoon if I don 't miss the train . |
We went to a few pubs and a club in Dublin and had the times of our lives . The drinks , of course , were not the cheapest , but we drank anyway . I discovered the most wonderful concoction : cider . The one that I drank was Bulmer 's Irish Cider and it was so good , it is basically just carbonated apple cider with some alcohol , very tasty . This picture was taken at The Brazen Head , the oldest pub in Ireland dating back to the 12th Century . We always encountered fun characters and good stories in the pubs and had a great time . We also had some great Irish food . The girl in this picture is Raquel . She was in my Freshmen Orientation Club and is studying in Galway this semester so Maria and I went to visit her and she met us and hung out with us while we were in Dublin . Although I can not find it within myself to drink beer because it always make me sick , this was one of the coolest places I 've ever been . And yes , of course , I drank some Guinness while I was there , what kind of Irishman would I be if I didn 't take up that opportunity ? We learned about all of the ingredients and where they all come from in Ireland , that 's right almost all of of what they put into Guinness is grown in Ireland . The only ingredient that is not Irish is the hops that cannot be grown in the Irish climate . One thing that I found to be VERY interesting was that they have been using the same crop of wheat since the beginning of the company . They have been taking some of the seeds from the line and saving them and replanting from there . If anything should ever happen to that strain of seeds , the president of the company has an emergency back - up of wheat in the safe in his office . Interesting , right ? We also saw all of the cool advertisements from throughout their history , and it was fun to see how those evolved . We then went to the top of the building and were able to look out over Dublin . Unlike Cologne , Dublin was wonderful to look out on . The Liffey was clearly visible as was the Dublin Spire ( the artwork that my friends from Ireland call the most worthless thing they 've ever seen ) It was a really great way to end the tour , but we weren 't quite done . We went back down a few levels and were able to pour our own " perfect " Guinness . I poured mine and , yes , had a few sips of it . I just can 't keep it down . I have to say , it was fun though ! Alright people , what is that word ? It 's a common enough word that you 've all used before . I encountered it when reading the British version of " Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows " . Any Ideas ? It 's jail . That is just one of those words that we have completely changed in the United States ! Interesting , right ? So was this prison . It was build in the 18th Century and held people from all ages and walks of life . During the Irish Potato Famine it held a lot of children and adults alike who realized that if they were in prison they would get a ceiling over their heads and food , something they were not able to get on the streets . There was one story of an eight - year - old girl who had to work doing laundry and in the kitchens for 6 months because she stole a woman 's scarf to stay warm during the winter , and she was here all alone the entire time . However , when the Irish people really started to rebel from the British Empire , the prison had a much more practical use : against revolutionaries . Many men and women stayed within these walls before they were executed for crimes against the British Crown . Some of the most famous names in Irish Independence have their names in a plaque above the cell they stayed in before they were killed . The history of this place was absolutely amazing . 4 . The National Leprechaun Museum THIS WAS SO COOL ! ! We went here just to kill some time before dinner and I think it was one of the coolest places we went . We learned about how Walt Disney single handedly destroyed the proper image of Leprechauns . They are supposed to have pointy red hats , for example . We had the coolest tour guide who even took time to tell us a real story of the history of Ireland . There was a giant who could turn people into stone with his one eye ! A real story of Irish history to be sure . : ) I loved the room that was there where everything was 1 / 3 times the size of actual furniture , so we were the size of Leprechauns . It was just so cool . We then made a wish in the wishing well and went through a rainbow to a pot ( in Ireland they say " crock " ) of gold . If you ever go to Ireland . . . go here . OK . It 's just a river . . . but it was so cool seeing it in the morning , night , afternoon , whenever . I just loved it so much and couldn 't stop taking pictures of it . Today is mine and Braden 's two year anniversary . We have been through so much together and I couldn 't be happier . Regrettably , I am in Italy and he is in Germany right now and we cannot be together . However , we still love each other very much and I am so grateful to have him in my life . After all , we did start dating on Thanksgiving in 2008 . He has done nothing but improve my life . Thank you for everything Braden , I love you . This will be my first post with exclusive pictures that are not on Facebook . I need something special for my loyal readers , right ? Well , unlike all of you lucky people residing in the States this year , we did not have the luxury to go to any theatre at any time and see the original version of Harry Potter 7 in English . We could have done that if we wanted to see it in German , but that is clearly not the same . So after much deliberation , we decided to go to Frankfurt am Main to see the premiere of the movie . When we looked , there was not a midnight showing on Thursday in English , so we decided to just go the day it cam out . We took a train and left early on Friday morning so that we would not be late . It takes about 3 hours by train to get there from Jena , so Braden took a little nap . Our first stop was in Eisenach on the outskirts of Thuringen ( the German state that we live in ) . It was cheaper for us to buy tickets from there to Frankfurt and it is free for us to travel to Eisenach , so we saved some cash that way . We had a little bit of a layover , so Yvonne and Braden decided to start the day off right with some Becks beer that it is completely socially acceptable to drink on public transportation , which they promptly did . We then checked into Frankfurt Hostel right by the Hauptbahnhof . If you 've read my post " Yeah " then you know what went down there that night , but it was not on our mind at this point , we were so excited to see the movie . We had my new British copy of the seventh book with that I had finished reading the Monday before the premiere . Reading the book the second time really made me appreciate everything so much more , and I also like to read the book right before I see a movie so I can quickly compare it and know what was missing and what changed . We took the U - bahn , which is like an innerc - city subway system , to the theatre . This is Maria and I outside of the English theatre in Frankfurt am Main . They show movies in their original English versions here , so obviously this was a safe haven for people like us . That is , Americans . I was , of course , wearing my Bellatrix Lestrange shirt that I brought with me just for such occasions . When we got inside , we saw that there was a place to pose for another great movie that is about to come out , The Chronicles of Narnia : The Voyage of the Dawn Tredder . Yvonne and I are both huge fans of the movies and the books , so we wanted out photo taken with this set up . I 'm VERY excited for this movie ! ! Once we had our tickets checked , ( that I apparently did not need to pre - order because the theatre was not full . I guess I didn 't think that it wouldn 't be sold out . I must have forgotten the primary language is not English . . . huh ) we immediately went for the cardboard characters . The first , naturally , was Hermione . She has always been mine and Braden 's favorite . Finally , Yvonne 's love for Snape could not be overlooked . I love that for this movie he is still a bad guy and therefore has the same text as Voldemort and Bellatrix . I still don 't think I 'll ever really like Severus Snape . We got to our theatre and sat down in our reserved seats ( that 's one thing that I like about German Cinema ) and bought our treats and buckled down for the long haul . I was very sad a couple of times , but tears fell for Dobby . I like the change they did with Hedwig dying defending Harry instead of stuck in a cage . I appreciate how the movie moved VERY fast and if you weren 't a die hard fan you probably wouldn 't have understood the whole thing . Stuff like that makes me very happy . It was a wonderful movie that I very much enjoyed and marveled at how well they followed the book . I 'm so anxious for the last movie to come out , though sadly , I will still be in Germany when it does and will have to make yet another special trip somewhere to see it . I , however , will not ever be returning to Frankfurt am Main unless I have to after what happened that night in the hostel . For more information on that , only look a few posts earlier . This church is just absolutely breathtaking . I can 't explain to any of you that haven 't seen it how incredibly huge it is . According to Wikipedia ( which is a completely legitimate source in every way ) it is one of the top 5 highest churches in the world . The tallest church is also in Germany , the Ulmer Munster and I will probably be visiting that , too . But , after having read " Fluch über dem Dom " in German 212 I have wanted to come to this magnificent Cathedral to see what all the fuss was about . The fuss is right . You feel so small when standing next to this church in a completely different way than when you 're standing by say the Sears Tower or the Empire State Building . The magnitude is overwhelming . Braden and I spent a lot of time just standing in front of the church and looking at it . We walked around the entire building and there was never a moment when it lost its grandeur . And then we went inside . This was equally as magnificent . The stained glass windows were reflecting with the setting sun and there was so much room in there ! There was one stained glass window that I really liked that was a bunch of squares and the sun was hitting it just so that it made the floor look like a disjointed rainbow . It was really cool . We also got a look at the reliquian ( relics ) in the Church . Apparently the bones of the three Wise Men are in this church inside a golden structure . It was pretty far away and looked up for the day , but I could see it and it was cool being able to see something that has been in the possession of the Catholic Church since it began . Overall , the church was amazing and really big and very tall . After we had explored the interior and exterior it was time to make the huge climb to the top . OK . I don 't really need to say much here except that . . . OMG . There were SO many stairs . It was very hard . There were also so many people that we were constantly touching someone and constantly moving up . My legs HURT . But , we got to the top . I wish I could say the view was breathtaking , but it was just high . The city of Cologne is not THAT pretty . But , the river was pretty and just being at the top of one of the tallest churches in the world was cool , especially when I thought of how each stone was laid by hand well before any modern technology . Here is where the magnificence really became apparent . This monster of a structure dwarfed everything around it and its light can be seen from all over the city . The church is just wonderful . I know , this is kinda lame as one of the Top 5 Moments , but it was really nice . We were in a little gay café and we had a great time just sitting and people watching . I had eggs with some ham in them and Braden had a typisch deutsches breakfast . It was really a nice way to relax and hang out . It was here that we decided that Cologne is one of those cities that would be great to live in , but is not the best tourist destination for anything really except for the Dom . And the Dom is worth coming to Cologne just to see it . 5 . The Roman Museum In the shadows of the Dom lies a museum dedicated to when the Romans occupied Cologne . I must say , this part of history was VERY interesting . The picture below is made of little pebbles and is a mosaic dedicated to Dionysus . They found this completely in tact when they were building bomb raid shelters during World War II . Imagine digging and finding something so beautiful and old ! They continued to find more objects every time they built a new station for their subway system . The museum has jewelry , pots , coins and much more . There was even a well that was built before Jesus Christ that we could touch . It was a really good way to spend some time while we were waiting for our train . There were a few other random things we did like take artsy pictures buy the river , and eating some eis by the Alt Stadt ( Old City ) , and even trying to see one of Braden 's favorite German artists ( but none of her paintings were on display ) . However , we ended up hanging out in the Hauptbahnhof waiting patiently for our train . There is enough to do in Cologne for exactly one day . Arrive in the morning and leave at night . It is amazing and beautiful , but there just isn 't a ton to see . After returning from a night on the town in Frankfurt around 1 : 30 AM , I went straight to bed . I slept just fine until about 2 : 45 AM when I noticed the lights were on and I heard someone digging around in change . After that I couldn 't really get to sleep and I heard that a man was speaking to Yvonne in the bed kiddy corner from mine . He was speaking a language that none of us would understand , Yvonne tried to speak to him in English and German to no avail . He then got up , turned the light off and said , " Schlaf gut ( Sleep well ) " . Yvonne immediately jumped out of bed and asked where her phone was , and she could not find it . She went out into the hallway and luckily the man was still standing there . She asked him in both languages for her phone , but instead he showed her an iPod , Maria 's iPod . He had taken that from right next to her pillow . Yvonne took that and returned to the man and again asked for her phone , instead he waived MY student ID card in her face . She grabbed that and returned it to me . I then was worried and looked through all of my things to see what was missing . It turns out he had emptied my pockets , that was the noise that we had all heard and assumed that he was just taking off his pants to sleep . He had also taken my phone . Thankfully , he did not seem to look through my jacket that had my camera , iPod and wallet in it . However , Braden 's jacket was missing and so was 15 Euro from his wallet . So , Yvonne went back into the hallway to ask for her phone , but instead was presented with mine , she responded , " This does not belong to you , this does not belong to me , " and gave the phone back to me . Braden then went out into the hallway and saw that his jacket was on the floor next to the man 's red plastic bag and grabbed it from the floor . He returned to the room , threw his jacket on the bed and said that he was so pissed he was shaking . Braden went down the reception area to ask them to call the police and the man and Yvonne followed him down . I threw my pants on and followed because I did not want just Braden to have to hold the man if he tried to run . Thankfully , the man at the desk was capable and fairly level - headed . He called the police and the man sat at the bar . Braden and I were guarding the door with our arms crossed looking like proper security guards . This made the man upset and he became very aggressive . He started to come up into my face and mocked me with my arms crossed and balled up his fists repeating , " boxing ? boxing ? " I am not going to lie , I was terrified and shaking , but I did not let it show . Yvonne returneHe started to get really angry after about 5 minutes and made for the door to leave . The reception was on the third floor and he would have to go down three flights to make it out , so he wasn 't exactly right at the door out of the building . But , the worker , myself and Braden all tried to stop him from leaving . This resulted in Braden getting punched in the face . He broke through us and started going down the stairs . The receptionist followed him down the stair and then so did the three of us ( Braden , Yvonne and I ) . I was closest to him and he started up the stairs a few times when I got too close to him like he was going to attack me , but he never did . He then got to the exit and the receptionist held the door shut , but the man opened it anyway and went out into the street . I was right behind him with the receptionist . Thankfully , there was a police van right outside the door for an entirely unrelated reason ( though the police had been called about 10 - 15 minutes ago ) . The receptionist and the Romanian went to the police and the receptionist explained the situation . The Romanian did something to the policeman ( i 'm not sure if he pushed him or spit at him ) , and soon he was in cuffs and led to the police van . Yvonne and I then went out to tell the police the story . We had no shoes on and the sidewalk was SO cold ! ! We waited by the van and while we were waiting the man spit in the face of the other officer and tried to run away and he got punched in the nose . He tried to walk away again and got shin kicked and tackled . When more police came , he tried again to escape and ( this is from April 's point of view in the room , I think ) he was hi - kicked in the chest . We were waiting to talk to the police and Braden was holding the hostel door open . People from every window were looking at the scene and the balconies were filled with people . Of course , none of the other people in the reception helped when the man ran for the door . However , we were waiting and explaining what was going on and the police officer said we needed to get our IDs . We went back to room 502 and got our IDs and SHOES ! We filled in Maria and April what was going on and went back down to the police . Yvonne told them the whole story and he took down all of our information and what was taken and returned . He then told us that Maria also needed to be interviewed because she had an iPod taken and returned . This took about 45 minutes and then he told us that Yvonne needed to go down to the station and give an actual written / spoken statement . ( Remember , this was all happening in German ) . I was not going to let her go anywhere alone so I volunteered to go down to the station with her . We walked over to the police van ( the Romanian had since been taken away by another police car ) and looked inside to see more than a little blood on the floor and the seat . They had put a mask on the man either because he kept spitting or because he nose was bleeding everywhere from having been broken . A woman , I think the girlfriend of one of the officers , was talking to us and helping where she could , she was very nice . I got into the front seat and Yvonne sat in the back with the blood and another officer . The officer in the back examined his fist and shook it in pain . We arrived at the station and had to sit in the waiting area while they discussed what needed to be done about us . We were , after all , exchange students and our German was not perfect . We got seated with a woman in the precinct and she took Yvonne 's statement ( with some embellishment from me every once and a while , of course ) . We were at the station until it was past 5 in the morning . I had only had about an hour in the bed and had not really slept . We then had to walk back the 5 - 6 blocks to the hostel . While we were at the station , Braden sent me a text informing me that they had found a 10 inch knife in the bathroom on our floor and said , " we need to leave . " And leave we did . As soon as we got back to the hostel . We went first to the reception so the man knew we were back and took look for Yvonne 's phone . While we were down at the station , an officer who had searched the man gave the battery from her phone to her . She was very sad because that was already her second phone since being in Germany having lost one already . We thought though , that since he only had the battery maybe he had hid it in the reception area . Sure enough , Yvonne found her phone outside on the balcony behind a potted plant . Wonderful . We went upstairs and reunited with everyone and we shared our different perspectives of the nights proceedings . Apparently there was a second man and while the four of us were with the police , April had been terrified that he would come to the room while she was alone . Braden had met a man from England who was very nice and helpful and another person who said their stuff had been gone through earlier that day . Overall , we were just exhausted from the entirety of the night and felt much safer going to the train station and being in public . We went to check out and told the man about the knife and he said , " Oh , don 't worry that 's mine . " That . Was . Enough . The Romanian had left his room key in the room , and that was a 5 Euro deposit , so Yvonne was able to get 5 Euro out of the deal . I was expecting him to comp our room and I think I will write an e - mail to them asking for one . We were in the room for maybe an hour before we were terrorized by an Eastern European Skinhead Neo - Nazi . We then went to Hauptbahnhof and got some items at the bakery . While there , a man came up from behind Braden and slapped him fairly hard on the back and started to make sounds with his mouth . He was mute , and I think asking for money . We were all just like , really ? Yvonne dealt with it and we just stayed together as a group until we could leave that God - forsaken city . We were then on a train for over 5 hours and finally got to Erfurt to say goodbye to Braden . While in Erfurt , the police in Frankfurt called me on my cell phone and asked , " Do you remember being in the police station last night ? " I was like . . . . of course . They wanted me , Maria and Braden to come into the station and give our statements now . They could have done that last night , but they only asked for Yvonne 's . I also think it would have been funny to all go to the station and leave April alone at the hostel . And , by funny , I mean terrible . I told him that we were already in Erfurt and on our way to Jena and he said he would call me back . Still waiting for that call . This week is not going to be as fascinating as some of the other posts I 've had or as long , but this was a vacation , so it gets included in the Sunday post . We went to Leipzig on a cold and rainy October day and the weather was a signifier of what was going to happen . We maybe should have just stayed home . Something exciting about this trip was that it was the first time Yvonne came with us on one of our excursions . The actual highlight of this trip for me was lunch at a really nice Irish pub , but we didn 't take any pictures there , so it is not included in the Top 5 Moments . So , here we go : Picture 1 : St . Nikolaikirche Of all the churches I have seen in my time in Europe , which is not too many but still quite a few , this one had the most original interior except of course the Bone Church . It is very light inside of it and the arches kinda look like palm leaves . The pews are cream . It was just very pretty . Not spectacular or breathtaking , but pretty . Picture 2 : Bach Johann Sebastian Bach worked his entire life in Leipzig in the St . Thomaskirche , and although we went twice , it was closed at both times . Not the best at organizing on our part . However , this was a nice statue . Picture 3 : The DDR In this picture is a real piece of the Berlin wall . It stands right in front of the Stasi Museum in Leipzig . That museum was interesting , but all in German . Though I can speak it decently , I cannot understand it enough to read plaques in a museum , so . . . a lot of the interesting stuff was lost on me . I recognize that there was interesting information in there because Braden told me there was . After this museum we went and had a lovely lunch . Picture 4 : The Town Hall Apparently Leipzig has one of the largest town halls in the world with over 600 rooms , so we went to check that out . It was indeed very large , but it was closed because it was Saturday . So , we just went and saw it . We then walked through the mall that was pretty big and worked our way back to the Hauptbahnhof ( which you should all know my now means : Main Train Station ) . That was when the trip got really interesting . There was a huge crown in front of the doors to get into the Hbf and we didn 't know why . There were people in front of my wearing all black and the only thing I could hear them say was " Neo - nazi " . . . that is when I got scared . I was in the lead , naturally , but I turned to Braden and said , " You 're going first , " and when he objected I responded , " I don 't speak German . " I thought maybe they were checking tickets to make sure no one that wasn 't supposed to be there got into the Hbf , Braden was also scared , though and made Yvonne , who has the best German , go first . She and her broken leg plowed through the crowd and the group of Polezei didn 't give us any sideways glance , so that was good . We then found out there are apparently a series of random protest planned throughout the city during that day . We had seen a lot of police all day but hadn 't thought anything of it . We had assumed that it was just a futball match or something , but no , it was riots . I guess both sides , right and left , were rioting and the black was the left . We worked our way up to our train to Halle and then at the platform Braden was questioned by the Polezei , but he showed him the ticket and all was well . Here is a picture of the Polezei in their helmets outside of our train . There were Polezei in Halle , too . Because we had to wait for passengers in Leipzig , our train was late in Halle and we had to wait an hour for the next train . So , we explored the Halle Hbf and then hoped on our train and got back to Jena and went right to our rooms to relax . Thanks Yvonne for coming with us , sorry your first trip with us wasn 't super fun ! For this Sunday , I am going to relive something that is perhaps better left in the past . However , at the same time I never want to forget this day . . . . not that I think I could if I tried . First of all , the day did not start out right because we could not have breakfast with Christina and Gastone , too bad . We did , however , make it to the main train station at just the right time . That is when we saw the train that would be taking us further into Eastern Europe : Oh yes , that wonderful relic from the Iron Curtain days was here just for us . We were so excited . The trip there was nothing too special and nothing too eventful happened . Then , we got to Kutna Hora which is in about the middle of the Czech Republic . Walking around at first it seemed just fine and then we found the Bone Church with no problems at all . We got into the church and the man at the front desk even spoke really good English . The day was looking up . We then turned around and saw one of the most interesting things ever , a church decorated with human bones . There is a chandelier made of all the bones in the human body . These bones were all gathered by a man that used to work at the Ossuary at the time of the Great Plague in Europe . There were just so many bodies that he didn 't know what to do with them all , so he decided to get creative . He may have gone a little overboard , but the result is really quite astounding . This is the coat of arms for the local royal family at the time : This was a very interesting excursion . We then went across the street to a large church that April and Braden continued to argue over which type of style it was built in and they ended up both being right . The church was pretty but nothing overly spectacular . One of the cool parts of this church , the Cathedral of our Lady , was that we could go up into the rafters . Really , just play in them . Here is a picture of Braden pretending to fall down into the rafters : After leaving that church , we started the walk to the much more regal and beautiful St . Barbara 's . What we didn 't know was that this was about 1 mile to the town and another . 5 from there . It was a very long walk , but we finally made it to the right area . This is where the day started to go downhill just a little bit . I decided , with the support of Maria and April , that we should take a stroll through this random gate and get to the church that way . We walked all the way uphill and found that we were at a dead end . Yay . Well , at least I got a decent picture from it . We then turned around and went all the way back to the main road and followed the sign correctly . Then we got to this beautiful promenade that led up to the church . It was autumn and beautiful and I took a lot of pictures of the town and the great view from above . This picture obviously does not do the beauty justice . After finally getting here , though , none of us were in great moods . We just wanted to get to the church and see what we paid for . Braden , however , decided that he wanted to jump over then stone fence pictured above to get the grapes on the other side pictured below . I told him that he would never do something like that . I was right , he didn 't . He says because there were too many people , and I say that shouldn 't have stopped him if he really wanted to do it . The fact remains , however , that he did not jump over and get the grapes . Then the walk back . That was not fun . I was in a bad mood and Braden wasn 't helping it and I was mad that we had such a weird amount of time left . We hadn 't really eaten all day and I wanted to stop and eat but we didn 't know how long that would take because we still had to walk the almost 2 miles back to the train station . However , if we left town there wasn 't really anywhere we could eat . A predicament . I decided I was going to stop at a grocery store and buy some Cookie Crisp and some water to solve the problem for myself . The others opted to wait until they were back in Prague . To each his own . We were set to be very early to the train station so we slowed the pace and tried to just enjoy the lovely weather . . . well that is when it started to cool down . Great . We got to the station and had about an hour to wait for our train to come . So , we played rousing games of " Watch that Leaf Fall " and the like but it turned out to be too early in the season for those particular trees to be changing colors , so that game was a flop . It was great . We made the best of it , though . We then went over to the tracks that had sunlight to warm up a bit and wait for the train . There were a lot of other Americans there including a group of four jockey guys that surprised me with their ability to survive in Europe . Maybe they only appeared jockey ? The train came and we boarded with our printed off tickets in hand . Getting the tickets was quite an ordeal . We had to navigate the impossible website first of all and that was not fun . When we finally got that all figured out we had to enter our student id numbers in order to get the student rate . Mine and April 's ID numbers are the same for the first 10 numbers and they would not allow that , so Maria entered the last 10 digits of April 's ID . We then found out we couldn 't print at the hotel so the girls had to go to an internet cafe and print it there . But , at the end of the day we had our tickets and all was well . They worked perfectly on the way to Kutna Hora . However , it seemed , this was not going to be the same . When the ticket checker woman came to our train , she first took care of the Australian couple and then the Asian girls and moved on to Braden . For his ticket , she asked to see his student ID . Keep in mind this was all in Czech . She then asked for my ticket . At first she couldn 't find my number , but then she did and all was well . She moved on to April 's . . . uh - oh . She started to yell at April that the numbers did not match and then April in English tried to explain that it was the last numbers and the woman kept rolling her eyes at April and looking to me and rolling her eyes and everyone in the cabin was just beside themselves because the situation was so funny and yet serious . The woman gave up on April and checked Maria 's . . . all good there , too . Back to April . It was just not going to work so in a fit of frustration she threw the stuff at April and slammed the cabin door . All of our tickets were stamped except April 's . Immediately after the door closed , the entire cabin began to laugh their as * es off . I was crying . Soon after , the train began to slow down . I looked out the window and said , " April , there is nothing out there . " She looked terrified and we all began to laugh again , hard . It was so funny . We were all just at the end of our ropes and this is exactly what we needed . It turns out we were slowing for a stop , but April was not kicked off . When we arrived back in Prague , we all ran as fast as we could off of that train and thanked God we were back at least in a big city where people spoke English . That will forever be referred to as The Kutna Hora Incident . I have only one more class today and I am so excited for classes this week to be done . I have waited my whole life for this weekend and I can 't wait any longer ! I 'm SO excited ! At the same time I am very excited for Travis and the wolves who are going to be taking on Virginia in the section finals this weekend in Duluth ! GO WOLVES ! ! Also , Braden and April will be going to Munich this weekend , so that is something that I will have to do sometime before I go as well ! I wish everyone a great weekend and I will leave you with this picture of where I am going to be ! I am a 23 year old college student from small town USA who graduated from college in Moorhead , Minnesota . I previously lived in Jena , Germany and have now moved on to St . Paul , MN . I am having a great time with life after college and I feel it 's best when peppered with regular travel . |
Almost a whole week since my last post . I would have written before , but I 've been completely caught up in the energies of the past week . So much love has come in , and thus so much of the old has been pushed out , that the last week has been a lot of silent breathing . When I woke up on the 11th to my alarm clock , no dreams at all came to mind . I had an appointment with the local communal office that currently pay my " wage " and it went very well . I let them know how I felt and we concluded that I see them again in february sometime . I came home around 4 or something , and had a chat with Ingerid on skype . We spoke about the day before and the energies coming in that was very obvious . I looked back to how I used to deal with feelings and realized that being vulnerable and in acceptance of whatever came was the only natural way to truly enjoy life . I had seen the deep feeling of hurt that was the cause of all my distrust , the sorrow that I didn 't trust love , and suddenly I realized that that 's what I had built my life around . A single experience had shaped most of this life because I didn 't want to feel it . Once I had felt it completely , I wasn 't bound by it anymore . . Because what I AM is constant , unchanging , joyous , then all feelings are just experiences . I AM is there as the space for all feelings to play . In the middle of the day I decided to go to bed again . I felt very drowsy and it felt like I could use some sleep . I lay down , closed my eyes and breathed while asking to be shown what was happening right now . Sleep came almost immediately . In my dream was Ingerid and John , sitting in front of me . Ingerid to the left , John to the right . I was at the back of the room sitting in a bed with the duvet pulled up . I felt the same vibration that I had had on numerous occasions before , but this time it was different . It started at the base of my spine and spread upwards , generating more and more pressure where my third eye is in my forehead . I felt immense pressure spots at each side on the base of my back , aswell as various points at my back . I relaxed slightly , and the pressure got so intense I was afraid because the pressure was so intense it was painful . Ingerid looked at me and said " Remember , it 's all you , " reassuringly , and I realized that I wasn 't going to die . I let go completely . The pressure built up and built up and when it seemed I was completely " full " in my forehead , I heard Ingerid say " now … " I closed my eyes . Suddenly there was an inaudible click , as if when a bubble bursts . I saw this circle of golden white light slightly up in my vision , originating where I felt the pressure . As the light spread outwards , spirals of white - golden garlands spread outwards . I just stayed still with eyes closed and watched . It was so beautiful I started crying . As I woke up feeling completely rested I knew this dream was one of those " in your face " significant ones , so I reached for my phone and called Ingerid right away . We were cut off immediately because Ingerid ran out of batteries , so I called John and told him about the dream . He said " That 's pretty simple . Your third eye is opening . C spot run . " I laughed and thanked him . It seemed to correlate with all the pressure I had felt in my third eye the day before , but since the dream it has only been growing . The pressure is there in each waking moment from when I wake up to when I fall asleep again . The first time I woke up on the 12th I was feeling really bad in my stomach so I got out of bed and stumbled like a zombie towards the bathroom . I saw a glass on the kitchen table and reached for it to put it in the sink , and instead of grabbing it I just slightly pushed it and it fell to the floor and shattered completely . I went to get my shoes and picked up the biggest pieces and threw them in the trash , then when I came to the bathroom I noticed an itch on my right ringfinger . I looked closer and saw a really tiny splinter that I managed to get out with my tweezer . I realized these moments were screaming metaphors for me and noted them to figure out later when I wasn 't zombified . I got the kitchen cleaned and went to bed . The second time I woke up I was feeling anxious and restless . Like something important was about to happen . I looked at the time , it was 14 : 44 . I couldn 't help but smile . I had some breakfast and spent most of the day releasing anger . I realized that every feeling of anger was slightly different , and I was peeling off the layers of defense that I had been so protective of before . I also realized that there was nothing I had to do . I was exactly where I was supposed to be , at precisely the right time . I spoke to John about the incidents that morning and he asked me what I felt about them . This time I decided to get really down and dirty with what my feelings told me so I decided to really feel the situation . The glass breaking gave me a feeling of the word " shatter . " Like something old was breaking . The splinter gave me some kind of annoyance being removed . I told John what I felt and he said that it wasn 't necessary to know it all unless the feelings told me , which made a lot of sense . It felt like my true inner voice was being uncovered more and more as all the stored emotions that was clouding it was being removed . The day went by with a lot of physical stings and pains , and I finally went to sleep late that night . I was with Ingerid on some farm during celebrations , and most of the houses had people in them who had not moved on completely . I walked with Ingerid and this girl into a building and suddenly I could see a grey woman walking around and a black shape walking above us , and I realized my seeing so clearly was somehow connected to Ingerid being there . I said outloud what I was seeing and Ingerid said it was all right . Suddenly we all hit the floor , I looked around and saw the entire room covered in blue paint . I looked at the girl and Ingerid and they were both on the ground also covered in blue paint . Then I looked at myself and noticed I was too . Ingerod told me there was always a trick , a key of sorts , to every instance like this . So we moved on right away , walked down through the open field where there was festivities . It was downhill and we were hurrying and my left foot caught in this blanket as I was pushing a trolley of sorts with a parasol in it . People behind me made sounds as if I were to mind my step as the blanked was swept under them but I didn 't mind and kept walking . We reached the end of the tables and the blanket slipped off my feet , and I was to put the trolley at a rest there but noticed it couldn 't stand on its own , so I put it against the hill so that it leaned in on itself . We went to the next house . We came in and Ingerid closed the door behind us . There was a creaking sound almost immediately , and I remember having heard that before . It hit me that I had BEEN here before . Ingerid took my hands and started swinging me around the room , and suddenly there was a woman there , She looked completely mad , her grey face was twisted in an expression of horror and anger . She had 2 knives in her hands , walking from one end to another in the room , then disappearing only to appear and do the same thing from another angle . She was aiming at me . After a few times of the woman walking across the room Ingerid stopped helping me , and I faced the woman and her knives on my own . She came directly at me no maI got up and put on some tea and called Ingerid to see what she was doing , and it turned out she was in town to do some shopping , so I went to meet up with her . As I got to town it turned out that we were all going to Ingerid to get the christmas tree and decorations ready . All of the soul family was gathered , and it was a day filled with joy and laughter . Truly beautiful . I asked Ingerid about the dream and she said it was fairly obvious . The blue was Mary Magdalene , so it was healing . All the people in the end was all the aspects of me , all the roles I have played , that came home . Sooo much is happening these days that all one can do really is just to be still , and allow everything to flow . Another week has gone by , filled with connected moments . Some days ago my mother called me to see how I was doing , and I told her I had become a spontaneous vegetarian and that my body can barely handle anything since the 29th . She immediately said " But your body needs protein ! " and I immediately felt this wave of resistance come up . After we hung up I immediately closed my laptop and decided to really feel what had come . I sat still and felt anger come , then a fear also reported itself to my awareness . I just sat still with my eyes closed and watched it . I felt my " I AM " presence tickle my arms and legs as it embraced my entire body , the feelings closely held inside the awareness that I AM . I let the feeling play out , and suddenly I realized that I was afraid to lose my mothers ' love . I looked at this fear , and at the same time I felt my " I AM " presence around it , and after some time the fear melted into this " I AM " and became that . I sat still and felt a bliss beyond words , profound peace in my entire being . I realized that this is what it means to go through emotions . This is a so - called release . Allowing yourself to fully experience the feelings that come up , listen to what they say , and then they will go and leave you in peace . Then on wednesday it was time for satsang with Ingerid , but instead we spent the day just hanging out . Ingerid 's other daughter , her man and their newborn came over so we were just enjoying eachothers ' company through the day . That didn 't stop the feelings from coming , though , and while I was talking to Ingerid this anger reported itself . I observed it and felt it like I had been the past days and suddenly in the middle of the aches and pains that came with it passing through me a core of comfort came up . I told Ingerid what I felt and she nodded and explained that I had used anger as protection . I had thought that it had kept me safe for all these years . It was so true . I embraced and met the feeling with love and then the fountain of anger seemed to intensify somewhat . Even though I still felt very present it just kept going and going , like an upside down waterfall running through me . We stayed till late that night and watched the movie " Pretty Woman " and then John drove me home . As we went out I saw the waning crescent moon shining its golden light through light clouds right next to a mountain top . I told John that I had always felt fascinated with the moon . He started explaining the symbolics behind the moon , and it was suddenly very clear why . The moon pushes and pulls the magnetic fields of the earth , thereby affecting our life here on the planet . This is symbolic to the fascination I have had with drama throughout this journey . It is possible to appreciate its beauty without being controlled by it . As we were talking our trip took us to a gas station to get some stuff for Ingerid , and as we were waiting for the clerk to get the items for us I looked down and saw a norwegian 1 , - krone lying on the ground . I picked it up and saw 3 crowns with 3 5s under them . As I showed it to John , he told me that it signifies a moment of freedom . I was being reminded of my true nature through everything around me . As we were driving out to Marens place to get some stuff the conversation went to the issue of my anger and the relationship between me and Maren . Maren had been a mirror for my anger for almost as long as I had known her , and various examples of my cat having pissed in in both my bed and hers were screaming symbolism to attest that . As I had been very much an effect of the circumstances around me and thus in a reactive state earlier it was very easy to put the blame outwards , and as John was asking me questions to narrow down my motives I recognized a panic well up . John picked this up immediately and said that the more uncomfortable it is to talk about something the closer to the truth you are . I knew that discomfort was my best friend at this point because it means my ego is squirming , and so we kept digging deeper . Eventually I realized that I had been going against myself to try to lull down the reaction from Maren . To lessen the anger . Suddenly we saw a deer through the mist of the night , and not just one , an entire family was out running on the road in the same direction as we were going . I noticed 7 of them . They jumped across the road one by one , but the last kept running back out on the street until we eventually passed them . This immediately struck me as significant , and John agreed . So he asked me what they were , but I was making things too complicated to see the simplicity of it . They were innocent . They showed me that despite what I may think , I am innocent and pure . The same as the symbolism with Mary Magdalene the week before . What had happened on the way home with John , both the conversation and the symbolism , had had a very profound impact on me , so when I got home I went to bed right away . I allowed all my anger to arise while still feeling my " I AM " presence . Ingerids words echoed " You still haven 't forgiven , or the anger wouldn 't keep coming back . " I had felt something shift today , so I took my time and thanked the anger for the experiences it had given me through my life , and now I didn 't need it anymore . I was ready to stand on my own two feet completely . That night I dreamed that I was driving my friend to school in my car , and it was a school where everyone carried guns . We met a short , skinny blonde kid with a machine gun who was really angry . He was also very triggerhappy , so he started to shoot after me . He hit me a couple of times in my upper body , just missing vital organs like lungs and heart , and he hit me once in the left part of my head . I walked up to the guy , and suddenly I had diced red peppers in my hands . I held my hands around his head and squeezed them together , and this white golden light golden light started to pour from between my hands all over him . He looked perplexed and his gun - arm twitched and I twitched along with him to avoid coming bullets , but he relaxed as fast as he had twitched , and I never let my hands waver . I saw the profound effect this had on him and said " This is who you really are , " and I closed my eyes . He lifted his other hand and gently opened my eyes . Then I started crying a whole lot , and I suddenly felt like I was dying from my injuries and so I tried to make it to the hospital . I felt I was about to die and I closed my eyes and gave up . I saw this gold - red - yellow - blue - green and white - all at the same time - light coming down in front of me , but nothing happened . . Then I woke up . I woke up as the sun was setting the following day , and I immediately felt some turbulence there . I decided to deal with all that was there so I firmly planted myself in bed and closed my eyes and just felt everything . The first feeling that came to me was this immense feeling of complete helplessness . Like absolutely nothing whatsoever mattered . I allowed it and embraced it and it changed into a feeling of such intense fear I felt completely paralyzed . Then I felt like I couldn 't hold on anymore , like there was no going back to the old ways . It was then I realized that this was all the feelings that I had covered up with anger before . Without the protection of the anger the feelings were free to come up , and I welcomed them with open arms . Then the feeling changed again into this shaky breath feeling that comes from having cried very intensely . I remembered having felt like that as a child , but not since . I faced that too with love and acceptance and decided it was time to have a little break . When I got up I realized I had been lying there for 2 hours . I had a shower and sat down to check my email , and the first email I read was " I believe God wants you to know " from Neale Donald Walsch . It said : This hit home so profoundly , and I realized that 's what was happening . I was stepping on uncharted grounds because I didn 't have my anger to protect me anymore , and it was okay . It is okay to let everything fall apart . As this dawned on me the tears came and streamed down my face . All the sorrow that I had never dared to feel before came , and it was okay . This is such a contrast from where I have come from it 's almost indescribable . I used to come from a place of not wanting to feel anything at all . I prayed so hard to be rid of all my feelings , and now I welcome them with gratitude and love because I know that I am so blessed to be able to experience everything that I have experienced . This very experience that I have is completely unique to everything in existence , and I am previleged to be here right now to witness it . So . . What now ? My mind has been trying to lure me into games of right and wrong , attack and defense , you and me for a week now , yet this silent vibrational sensation that is me keeps humming its peaceful , loving OM regardless of what is thought or felt . It is my unchanging true identity . In its presence , all illusions seem to dissipate into nothing . The day after my moving bike ride I would see series of 5s everywhere . 555 , 5555 , 55 : 55 , etc . I asked Ingerid what this was , and she said it was freedom of the past , which felt very accurate . I realized that enlightenment is such a loaded word . It seems to imply such a struggle , a striving towards something , when it is the complete opposite . It is the letting go and allowing what is to be that is true freedom . Enlightenment isn 't a personal experience . It may be at first , but once the eyes see from the perspective of the soul , then the thoughts that use to make up the identity lose their power . We always struggle to fill the emptiness with whatever it may be that holds our attention at that moment , but what we fail to realize is that that very emptiness is you . Trying to fill the emptiness is the ego trying to bring substance to itself in a world where nothing is solid . The worst fear of the ego is to become nothing , because we think it will bring death to us , when in fact that death is what lets us see life as it truly is . From eyes that see joy , peace , love and freedom in everything comes the truest sensation of who we really are . It 's been a long time since I have posted anything . After my profound , wordless experience with the infinite I had a couple of days of complete freedom , and then hit the deepest sense of hopeless emptiness that I have ever felt . I had never felt it before that time , and it struck me like a frying pan to the face with its sense of despair . Everything became an effort , even getting out of bed . The world was grey , tasteless . I found some comfort in teachings of Mooji , Adyashanti , Eckhart Tolle , Neale Donald Walsch , etc . Some moments of stillness where I felt myself expanding , but this feeling held me back . I could not get past it , and I did not know why . I would go into the feeling and poke at it with my attention , accept it , ask for help releasing it . . It even affected Maren - who I was living with - and her child . He would go into these screaming fits and after he had released what he had in him he would point at me and tell Maren I was very angry . It was true , I was extremely angry . The world owed me for all the things it had put me through , and for what I was feeling at the moment . And then in the beginning of september it was time for a session with Ingerid and John . I came there and my expectations of a similar experience from last time were quickly let down by the pace of things . . It was a day of observing , but within me I screamed for validation . I was justified in my sense of hopelessness . I left there that night with a reality check , and the next day I realized that I had chosen to believe in the drama , in the feelings of hopeless desperation . . The days passed and turned into weeks , and I still felt trapped . I was told to let go , to give up , and all the signs pointed towards death and rebirth . Maren connected with her twin flame , and I painfully realized I had not given up on the two of us at all . In addition to everything else I was feeling there was a deep sense of abandonment aswell . Then late september I realized I had to move out , so I went looking for an appartment . . About an hour later Maren called to tell me the same thing , so we had an agreement . I found this cozy small ground - level appartment with a big window facing a forest and the mountains . Maren gave me the last cat of the batch that she was originally going to keep , so now I had 3 loving cats with me . . I was surrounded by love , but I didn 't feel it . I moved in the 1st october . I had realized that there was no point resisting what would come anymore , that clinging on to my ego and its ideas only brought me pain and suffering . By then I had come to the point where I said " I give up , " and " I surrender " several times daily , and also several times per hour I would pray to be free because the pain felt overwhelming . Last wednesday I gave Ingerid a call , I don 't remember why , but she had just come out of a major channeling and wave of new energy , so when she picked up she said that I obviously was supposed to take part in that too . We talked for about 30 minutes , and then we hung up . Almost immediately I heard this rumbling outside , so I looked out , and right outside my window an avalanche roared down the mountainThen this tuesday it was finally time for a session with Ingerid and John again , and I had a feeling of something growing . . A sensation of something big about to happen . On the morning before I left for Ingerid 's place I prayed that this be the day I would " get it . " I felt quite calm in my chaos , like someone had put a muffler between me and it . I met Ingerid in town and we bought breakfast before we went to her place to start the session . Once we got there I told her about a dream I had had where I was holding a speech about Atlantis , and we talked about previous lives . I mentioned I had an affiinity for china and martial arts , and her eyes went wide as she said " You 've been a samurai ! " And she started getting messages and images from my previous lives . I was the brother of the emperor a long time ago in china , but because I was too naive and soft I was not chosen for the role of emperor , so I became a samurai . Not for the purpose of war , but as a bodyguard to the emperor . There was a garden that I loved , and I would train for hours every day in it . Also on the smooth polished stone stairs to the emperor there was a patio ( ? ) with a magnificent view where I would train . Then I was deceived and everything got taken from me , but because I was so naive I did not understand what was happening until it was too late . My brother had deceived me - and when Ingerid said this John immediately got a vision of my brother in that life being my father in this one . The sorrow I felt was so deep that I didn 't even try to fight to keep it , I just left everything behind and walked away from it all . Straight from that life to Russia . I was a man in a power position . I had everything , but I didn 't care . I lived a life of vodka , and used women . Not in a cruel way , but just because I didn 't care . The emptiness I felt was so great . Ingerid also got a vision of that being the life where I started searching . Like being in a deep forest and searching for the rays of sun breaking the crowns of the trees . Then her eyes went wide again , and she explained " Do you know how you died in that life ? ! " It turned out I wanted out so bad that I had paid someone to take my life , but because I was afraid of dying I wanted them to do it when I least expected it . I had taken these energies with me past death , and that was what I had been feeling of late . I actually felt a sense of pride of the way that I chose to go the last time . If you 're going to go , might aswell go with a bang , eh ? After that life I had been on another planet . I asked Ingerid if that 's why I had an affinity to Mars , and she got shivers as I did . . John explained that sometimes when the pain is too deep we go to some interdimensional place to create a buffer for that kind of feelings until we are ready to face them . . And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks . That was why I hadn 't felt . I had chosen not to feel until I was ready to take on the pain of my past lives . What Ingerid told me rang so true , and it correlated so much with experiences and feelings I had had throughout my entire life . I recognized the dreadful anticipation and fear of my life in russia , the enormous sense of loss and abandonment from my life in china , and suddenly I felt a sense of peace deep in my stomach . Ingerid was told that I had had enough for that time , and we called it a day . They drove me to town because they had some grocery shopping to do . As we walked into the store I felt very wobbly in my knees , and suddenly it hit me . . " I am in Source . " I looked at Ingerid and she just smiled knowingly and said that she could tell . When I rode my bike home things had takThat night I dreamt that I was chasing a girl through a labyrinth for a very long time , and when I finally caught up to her , nothing was as it seemed . I woke up feeling very refreshed around noon the day after , looked at my phone , and it seemed that my ex had called me . My dark night of the soul - ex . I rang her up and it immediately struck me that this was some sort of full circle closure . I felt only gratitude for what we had experienced together , and the same deep sense of peace was still with me from yesterday . After we spoke I decided to get up and make breakfast . Even though I felt peaceful I had a sense of distress in me . I decided to go for a bike ride . I didn 't know exactly why , but I felt compelled to ride a route I hadn 't taken before . The road led me up a mountain pass . The wind was against me and it was slightly uphill , but I felt that I had to go . . Besides , the trip back was going to be very smooth I told myself . After an hour and a half I made it to the end of the road and a mail - truck drove past me to the last house on the road . I asked the mail - woman if the road continued ahead and she told me it did stopped just up the hill , so I decided to keep going . The last part of the road was a 2 kilometer rise at about 20 - 30 degree angle . It was so bad I had to stop about 50 meters before making it all the way . I looked back and saw the landscape stretch down all the way to the sea past the harbour of the city , it was very beautiful so I took some pictures , and then I decided to push my bike the rest of the way up the road . The vision that met me when I finally reached the top made me realize why I had taken the trip . I stood on huge rocks covered with soft moss , looking at mountains on the right , snow clad mountains on the left and a forest in autumn colors framing in a large , placid mountain lake . At that moment I felt love surround me , embrace me . It was so overwhelming that I cried . Tears of happiness running down my face . It was just so beautiful . I had never cried because of happiness before . Crying used to be reserved for " weak " people , but this time I let it all come . I sat there , looking out on the beautiful landscape for about an hour before I decided to head back . I felt so light , like all the worries of the world had been lifted off my shoulders . Every single cell in my body was - and still is - vibrating with a sense of peace , joy , love and freedom like I never knew was possible . A deep sense of love , love for myself , for the first time that I can remember . I finally realize what all the teaThe Sleeper Awakens part 2 The first session consisted mostly of talk about this , and how the process is as long as we choose it . We can choose to be free right now , a concept that seemed unbelievable to me at the time . We also dug into some feelings and let me confront my father , which felt like a huge blessing . I was so light when I came home , and this time it didn 't go away until the day after . Again , I blamed myself for going back into the drama . The second session would prove to be exponentially more efficient . We were talking about the " process " and how it can be as short as we want , and whether or not I was ready to let everything go . I didn 't feel very ready , but I said yes anyway . My ego said yes . My head wanted to know . I was talking about a dream I had had when Ingerid stopped me and said I had an entity that was feeding on my energies . I felt a wave of horror creep through me , as if I had been discovered stealing from he cookie jar when I was little . I realized that this was the entity conveying emotions to me . The cord that connected us was the width of a wrist . When the usual size of these cords are threads , the influence it had on me gets pretty clear . All my negative emotions had seemed so incredibly dominant . John said that with a cord that thick it had most likely been with me for several lifetimes . Ingerid said we had to join our efforts to ask it to leave , so she sat next to John and we all closed our eyes . I pictured myself with this huge wirecutter cutting the cord , and after a while Ingerid said " It is done . How do you feel ? " I felt incredibly weird . Lightheaded , dizzy , almost like falling mid - air . I explained it to her and she said it was the entity and its energies leaving my body . I started to feel light . A sense of bliss came over me , and it was as if a waterfall of light poured into my head . I felt like I was about to burst with happiness , and yet I was very calm and relaxed . I went out to listen to the sound of a waterfall nearby . . Smell the flowers . Just relax . What happened in the following sessions is kind of blurry , but the second to last session at the time of writing was a very powerful one . The session before I had gotten a lot of anger towards my father triggered , and that left me feeling utterly hopeless . That was how my father made me feel when I was little , but again the rage covered it . So Ingerid and John were talking yet again about the process and how we can choose any moment to wake up . Then Ingerid found a video of Mooji on youtube with a woman that was very much the same as me . I have always tried to get a quick fix for everything , but Mooji also speaks about a stepless awakening . That one step is already one step too much . Watching the last video I realized that the quick fix I had been trying to get outside of myself was useless . The quick fix was what I already was , and the thought of letting go is already one thought too much . So I felt complete acceptance in me . Complete surrender , and with it a cold feeling in my stomach wallowing up , the fear being released effortlessly . At the same time I felt this blissful feeling come over me . I looked at Ingerid and said , do you see this ? And she just nodded with a loving smile . I sat still and just felt it . I felt light , joyful , free ! I was free ! The day before this I had had to put down 2 of my cats because they were too afraid . I had gotten another cat from Maren and a cat who had been missing for a month had come back too . It was a very dysfunctional night , to say the least . I stayed up until 5am cleaning catpee from my bed , and such . So I made the decision to set the 2 sisters free . This was of course me letting my own fears go , and the session with Ingerid the day after definitely confirmed this . Before the next session I had moved out to Maren . Her roommate had just moved out and when she asked me it felt very right , so I said yes . It was quite the change to get up at 8 - 9 in the morning instead of 11 - 2 that I had been used to . I was absolutely beat in the morning and had to fight with myself to even get out of bed . Then came the day of the session with Ingerid and John . This day me and Ingerid was sitting outside talking while John made us toast for breakfast . Well , lunch for me but breakfast for them . I was laying my heart on the table for Ingerid about things I was feeling ashamed of . Things that I had discussed with Maren during the week that I felt needed " resolving . " So a lot of my hatred , worry and fear was triggered . I felt numb , as children numb themselves out to not have to deal with the pain that the rejection from their parents bring . I was completely apathetic . I told Ingerid about this and she explained the emotional scale for me , and said that the numbness was right below apathy . . And so I said that it felt like the apathy was within the numbness . She asked me to go back to the numbness , because that was God , so I did . I felt the numbness . Suddenly it wasn 't just numb . It was warm , gentle , firm , and numb . I sank into it . I embraced it and let it embrace me . I felt the apathy within it , held like a little baby in the loving arms of the mother . I couldn 't feel my where my body began and ended anymore . I was more than my body . I looked at this glass on the table , and suddenly that was all I could see . I close my eyes . I felt huge . I couldn 't feel an end to me , I was just this infinite nothingness . When I had found words to speak again we went outside , and this feeling of bliss was still with me . It was me ! I felt me in everything . I realized everything came from this nothing . This nothing was all there was ! Ingerid told me I looked completely changed , and I felt completely changed too . The present moment has become the greatest gift in the world . It is all that is , I AM all that is . I AM life itself . After this experience all my worries feel like they have gone away . I spent the next 3 days channeling Source . Channeling is such a weird word . What it feels like for me is inviting insights into my life . After the insights have arrived they stick . They change me . They become me , and I them . And they come not from the head , they just arrive in my being . What a beautiful creation we are living . Our beliefs create what we perceive , and yet we are always embraced , always loved . It is impossible to not be love , because it is our essence . I now know that my awakening is going to be a book . I want to be more of what I AM , inspire more , love more . Into infinity . I guess I 'll start with what happened right after my last post . I had just realized I was pissed off at myself instead of at Maren for mirroring my own feelings towards myself , but I still feared her like I fear death . This is because what I really fear in her , or what I really experience in her is rejection from my mother . This happens in just about everyone 's life in some form or another , and it is when we first let go of who we are . We take the dramatic incident as ours , we identify with it , and think we are not worthy of love . But love is what we are . Anyway , I 'm getting ahead of myself . The rejection was so terrifying for me , and along with my father in the picture , I have also taken a hatred towards women as my own , so that is what I am feeling right now . Hatred , and right below there lies the death of what I am not . So some time later I started to talk to someone who had randomly added me to some social network I visit once every 3 months or so , and the connection was there right away . She lived in the states , and I was completely mesmerized by her . The feeling of being completely in love only lasted for a week or so , and during that time I realized that we fall in love to heal the wounds of our childhoods . It doesn 't sound very romantic , but not all relationships are meant to be forever . You cannot love another until you realize who you are . Until then , all relationships carry with them what you expect from others . The expectations and belief systems you have about the world is what will be brought to you in the relationships , and that is also what they are there to heal . I am almost struggling to find the memory of what happens between then and now , because I am now in the present moment , and there is very little room for the worries of the past here . They only serve to shape what you expect of the future . . And thus actually shape your future . Anyway , for about a month I had a relapse where I numbed myself out , distracted myself from the process , and played an online game that I hadn 't played for 5 years or whatnot . I felt the low energies in the place , and saw the people who had spent up to 50 , 000 hours online . That 's almost 5 years ! I knew in myself I was stalling my growth . I didn 't have much contact with the outside world , and my attempts at being in touch with anyone turned out to be very dramatic at best . . Ingerid , being completely without ego , was the only one I really felt I could talk to , and she rarely - if ever - returned my calls . One night I got a hold of her , though , and she got a message straight from Source to me . Be wary of distractions . It couldn 't have been more clear , so I quit completely and continued to feel like shit all the time . I decided to start seeing Ingerid as a patient to help heal the pain that I was carrying around , and in the beginning of april she told me that she would be able to have me start at the beginning of june . It felt like forever . 2 months ! I knew that I had created this for myself , and that I was going to have to go through it myself . . I knew it all in my head , though , and the feelings that were there was completely different . Hate , impatience , fear , self loathing . The whole range of emotions that I had kept bottling up for all my life was now free to come back to me , and I could certainly feel it all . At the beginning of may I had finally gotten the money I was supposed to have since november , and since I didn 't get them until may I had it backpayed too . I was very pleased with that , and with that an opportunity to reunite Ingerid with her twin flame arrived . John came , and suddenly there were 2 masters in my presence . My second conversation with John started a release in me that let me feel the peace of the present moment briefly , before it went away later that night to be replaced by the trauma of my past . After a long wait june finally arrived , and it was time for my first session with Ingerid . When I arrived both Ingerid and John were sitting there . Ingerid had suggested over the phone earlier that we try something new , and so they were both going to do these sessions with me . John pointed out that I was the one who helped bring them together , and now I was the first one that they were going to have sessions - later called satsang - with . He then asked whether or not I thought this was coincidence ? Needless to say I didn 't . It was still all in my head though . I had trained myself mentally into thinking what can be known from somewhere completely different . More about that later though . John explained that they saw me as a pioneer for this type of work that was going to be done , a lightworker . He then gave me the book " A Course in Miracles " that he had brought with him from Canada . Although my thoughts and feelings about myself didn 't exactly correspond with what he said , I found resonance in his words from deep within me . Someplace I hadn 't touched in what felt like forever . Leave a comment » Before a great vision can become reality there may be difficulty . Before a person begins a great endeavor , they may encounter chaos . As a new plant breaks the ground with difficulty , foreshadowing the huge tree , so must we sometimes push against difficulty in bringing forth our dreams . " Out of Chaos , Brilliant Stars are Born " A lot has happened since my last update . So much , so ground breaking , I 'm not sure I 'll be able to put it down in understandable words . In the days coming up to when I was going to my soulmate , I felt a lot of tension build up , and 2 days before I found myself reading a channeled message that said all the lower energies could no longer be fed . They were locked , so to speak , and all that could happen was experiencing their release . Releasing energies is reliving the feeling of the event . Having bottled up my feelings for the past 27 years , I 've done a lot of releasing lately . But I 'm getting ahead of myself . The next day , my boss woke me up by calling me and saying I wouldn 't get any commission that month because of bad results . I felt disappointed , hurt , betrayed . . I had counted on that money to make all my payments and being able to visit my soulmate . Now I had to prioritize . Naturally the choice was made in my favour . Nothing was going to stop me from seeing Maren . So anyway , my friend who I had been living with right after separating called to square up for the last time , and I told him I wasn 't sure how much I was able to give him in addition to a sum we 'd agreed was the minimum . He said ok , and suddenly we were cut off . A minute later or so a woman he 'd been living with called me from his phone , and I knew what was coming . I speak of her in my awakening post below , but a few lines about her wouldn 't hurt . She 's got ADHD , which is the biggest joke of a disease you can be diagnosed with . She has anger issues , which really roots with her father , and like me she had been in an extremely violent relationship . Only her had lasted for the past 3 years , so one can wonder what she thinks of herself . Anyway , she dished out what a terrible friend I was and how I was responsible for their having to hide for the weekend because they had borrowed money from some bad people . It ended with her threatening to come tear my head off , and though I doubted she would do it , I was very set off by what she said . My heart was pounding , racing with fear . My ex girlfriend was coming over later to give me a suitcase and some clothes she had since we were living together , and I decided to unload all my frustration in regards to our separation . I felt I was the one who got the short end of the stick , in various aspects . So she came over , and I got the chance to finally tell her how I felt about everything . I also found out that she had been cheating on me for the last 2 months of our relationship . . not that I was surprised , but I was hurt and I told her . In retrospect I realize I held a lot of anger back , but it was a first step . After she 'd gone I just laid on my bed and stared at my roof for . . I don 't know how long . . time just disappeared . I laid there , and felt all my feelings , just felt them come . Suddenly I felt the urge to get out and walk , so I went to the local gas station to get some Snus . All I did was breathe . Long , deep breaths of air . . I felt my mouth curl up more and more into a crying fashion . . Then when I was walking home again I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket . . I tried to pick it up but I was 1 second late . It turns out it 's the stepfather of my ex girlfriend . Safe to say , he 's my fear of death manifested in a person , and I only had to look at the phone and see he was he one who called to feel it . Terrified , I walked the last steps up to my house and walked up to my appartment . When I got to my room , my mother called . I had called her the night before and we had fought for a bit , so I was scared to confront her again . When we spoke this time , though , she was so understanding and comforting I felt my defenses break and I cried . . The kind where you just disappear into the emotions coming out of you . . For about 20 seconds . I thought I was done . . My defenses were up again . I thanked my mother for the talk and we hung up . The day after I woke up 5 minutes before my alarm clock and rushed so fast down to the bus . I was finally on the way ! The trip was filled with a nerve wrecking sensation of anxiety on and off for 14 hours . The last switch , called Oppdal , Ingerid came to pick me up , which was a great relief . So as to not go into too much detail . . The almost two weeks I was there were , well . . let 's just call it bittersweet . I thought I was " done " and ready to live life happily forever , but it turns out I was intellectually arrogant to the point where it was ugly . So Maren and Ingerid made the process short and effective and didn 't accept anything from my ego , which was very frustrating . I realized this is what ground beef must feel like while it 's being ground . Fast forwarding a few weeks to the beginning of december I was going to Sweden to visit my parents . I had both looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time . Mostly because I finally understood how poisonous my parents behaviour really were . Don 't get me wrong , they 're good people , but they 're limited by their belief systems like everybody else . Only difference is I chose them for this life to push me into enlightenment . Going there is like pouring salt into an open wound . Anyway , I first went home and visited a friend who was getting married . I stayed there for a few days extra , just because I really didn 't feel like going to my parents . It was inevitable , though , and I found myself sitting on the train feeling like utter shit . All the old , bottled up feelings I had neglected to feel for so long came to the surface . I felt myself cry a bit , and suddenly I realized I did not want to visit my parents . I had no reason to visit them at all . Well , except for christmas presents . As I realized this we were just approaching the last stop of the train before Gothenburg , and the train conductor said over the speakers that there had been a faulty explosion on the way , so the train couldn 't make it all the way to the last stop . I couldn 't help but smile when I saw the striking connection of what had just happened . I decided to go anyway , despite the blatantly obvious sign that I shouldn 't . A lot happened during the week I was home . I decided to go to Maren before christmas instead of after , and told my parets and sister . . Which caused mayhem , to say the least . I saw the mental abuse my father is doing to my little brother and snapped completely . I 've never felt so angry in my entire life . . My entire body was pulsing with rage . I had a fight with my mother because she felt my spiritual behaviour and insights put her in a bad light in front of friends and family . All in all I realized that this is my biological family , but not a loving family that will accept me for who I am . I was walking around in a huge city with some people . First we were doing what we always did , it seemed like home in some way . . Then we were planting explosives in various parts of the city , and meeting up with a helicopter . We got into a helicopter and hovered above the city . I saw the explosive devices go off and water flood the city . The buildings fell like cardboard . . In fact , it seemed like it was cardboard . One of the men in the helicopter turned and said " It 's props . " The flood created a tropical island that we landed on . There was also a cruise boat there that had a lot of really advanced functions . Like trampolines that could take you from deck to deck and a set of screens connected to videocameras around the boat . I put my phone there and went on with setting explosives on the boat too . We did this and set off the timer . At 01 : 47 time left when I was safe on the island I realized I had forgotten my phone on the boat , so I ran to the boat in hopes of retrieving it and making it back before it blew up . I ran and jumped and ran and tried to bypass the hordes of panicking people . . I made it to the stern of the boat . A big open area . And then I heard the boom of the explosions going off . The boat toppled over completely , and I looked up at the ocean for a brief second before the boat went underwater . I remember thinking that I had to take a really deep breath , or I wouldn 't make it . So I took the deepest breath I could right in time before going under , and tried to hold it for as long as I possibly could . The currents took me and I saw the surface long above me . After a while I couldn 't hold my breath anymore so I just had to let the old air out and breathe in as deep as I could . To my amazement I could breathe . I took one breath , and then I woke up . So I went to my soulmate a week after first arriving at my parents , and things turned even more ugly . My ego has been trying to put labels on everything , including my relationship . I 've been justifying myself through her , as I 've done with all my relationships , and this is something I have to do alone . I need to find my own light . So now we 're broken up , and I know it 's the right thing . I 've been getting a lot of signs lately , telling me to embrace all that is , so that 's exactly what I 'm doing . It feels like shit right now , but I embrace it . Everything I experience is chosen by my higher self , conspiring in my favor . In love . |
I love your store . Truly , I do . If you had an opening for a person who shopped and delivered someone 's order , I would totally do it . Like Peapod . But better , because it is Target , so , you know . There is rarely a complaint that I have with you . The store I go to always has sufficient lanes open , is clean and well - stocked , and I never feel as though I 'll be shot in the parking lot . Even in the dark . I do , however have two tiny little complaints . Well , one is minor , the other one . . . you 're messing with my feelings Target . And that 's just not cool . The first is that I wish you had larger carts . Not for everyone , of course , but for those who walk into your store knowing that they 'll spend a couple hundred dollars on large paper products and other various household necessities and groceries . Kind of like how the grocery store has those little carts for when you are going to pick up just a few things , but . . . bigger . Can you get working on that ? K thanks . Every couple of months , I go to Target and am thrilled to see that several of the things that I buy are on sale . But they just aren 't on sale . If you buy two of certain kinds of items , let 's say Bounty and Charmin , you get a $ 5 gift card to use on your next purchase ! Yes ! Saving me money and bringing me back to spend more ! Genius ! It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside when the cashier says , " And you have earned a $ 5 gift card , here you go . " I tuck it lovingly into my wallet right next to my RedCard . ( Oh by the way , thanks for the additional 5 % off every time I check out . I have gotten so used to it I almost asked the cashier at the grocery store I sometimes frequent why my total didn 't go down once she was finished scanning . Now that would have been awkward . ) I was thrilled today when I went in to get my usual stock of paper towels and toilet paper when I saw that the $ 5 gift card was ON ! Yes ! I shoved the 18 pack of Bounty onto the bottom of my cart and headed for my Charmin . I 'm a tad particular about my Charmin . You see , I like the blue kind , but I don 't like it when the roll is so big it doesn 't fit in my little toilet paper holder in my guest bathroom . So I always get the double roll , as opposed to the mega roll . The mega roll is just kind of ridiculous . I always get this particular combination of Bounty and Charmin to get my gift card , and each aisle had the little red and white cards in front of the products telling me that there was a special . Since I do it all the time , I didn 't think to look at the little black print on the little red and white card that was in front of the toilet paper . I knew how this worked . Fast forward to check - out . The lovely cashier scanned the paper towels , and then the toilet paper , and moved on to the next item . Wait , wait a minute . . . where is my gift card ? I want my $ 5 ! They always give it to me when the second item is scanned . That 's just how it works ! When I asked her about it , she told me that the Charmin wasn 't one of the qualifying combinations with the Bounty , but instead I could get a free Charmin Freshmates . Um , no . I don 't want a Charmin Freshmates . I want my $ 5 gift card . Why the change Target ? WHY ? I 've been getting this gift card for as long as you 've been doing it , and I always get the exact . same . products . If you didn 't want to include the 24 double rolls of ultra soft toilet paper , then why run another special at the exact . same . time ? So people will grab the usual and not find out until the get to the check - out , where there are four very impatient if not - too - bright customers waiting behind me ? ? ( What ? It was obvious how much I was buying , why get in line when half of my cart is still full ? You have to know it 's going to be a while . ) I feel tricked , deceived , and kind of dumb . I don 't like feeling dumb . It 's like yoI know what you are going to say . Read the fine print . Easy enough , but as a mom of two two - leggers and three four - leggers and a husband whose nickname is justifiably Workaholic , you can 't expect me to read the fine print on the same special that I have always indulged in ! . go to Target alone for a mini - vacation , not to squint my eyes and attempt to do math in my head . That 's just no fun . So can you do me this tiny little favor ? Just keep the good old specials the same ? Don 't make things so difficult . Keep us busy moms in mind . And make some bigger carts . Please and thank you . Ask any parent , and I bet they can tell you a moment in their child 's life where that kid shone brighter than any star in the sky . The parents beamed from pride and there was a choir of angels singing " hallelujah " . An aura formed around the child , and s / he was slowly lifted up in the air , set atop their pedestal , from which they would reign until the next big screw up on their part . Those moments are few and far in between . Even the things that your kids do every day that are actually kind of incredible get boring day , after day , after day , after day . And then there are things that your child doesn 't do so well , but you know that they 'll come around and catch up , so you don 't push it . I 've always thought that Charlie was smart . The light in her eyes tells me that there is a spinning brain in her head , full of thoughts of how to make my life hell exhausting . Unfortunately she really never gets to tell us how smart she is because Sam never . stops . talking . Lots of people say that the older child " talks for the younger child . " I wouldn 't say that is our case . In our case , Sam just talks , and Charlie never gets a chance to input her two cents . This is especially evident in the car , where Sam will chatter on about the dead squirrel she just saw , and why did it die ? When did it die ? How did it die ? And then she 'll tell me how much she misses that squirrel , and she wishes it wasn 't dead . For 10 minutes straight . Meanwhile Charlie is sitting quietly in her seat , probably wondering why the hell her mom hasn 't changed the conversation to something more enlightening than roadkill . Our house has had a touch of the flu lately , with fevers and aches and pains and coughs passing between the two kids but thankfully ( knock on wood ) staying away from me . I just get the midnight , 1am , 4am , 5am wake - up calls and then the 6am vomit . In my bed . On my side . It 's been awesome . When Workaholic got home from work today , he was in dire need of sleep and so was Sam . So they trekked up the stairs and cuddled on the still - sheetless bed for a few hours . Charlie and I were finishing up some holiday baking and then she started pulling things out of cabinets and drawers and bins . I started to see chaos and I could feel the breath being sucked out of my body as I envisioned the mess I 'd have to clean up once she was finished . I couldn 't take it . I also knew that I needed powdered sugar . And I knew that taking one kid to the store is cake compared to two . So we bundled ourselves up ( which took 20 minutes ) and drove to Walgreens ( which took 3 minutes ) . After finding out that Walgreens does indeed NOT carry powdered sugar , I thought we 'd spend more quality time together , just the two of us , outside of the house . We headed to the next town to see some Christmas lights . There , I could go to another store to get what I needed and kill enough time so that she would be ready to go to bed when we got home . You know , since she had been up since 4am . We arrived at the local butcher shop and she beelined for the suspiciously low table chock full of candy . And I 'm not talking M & Ms here . No sirree . I 'm talking fresh , locally made gummy worms and chocolate covered anything and even just cubes of pure sugar . All packaged in these convenient clear tubs , spread out on the toddler - eye - level table . She snatched up a container of sour gummy worms and bolted for the nearest aisle . By the time I caught up with her , she had the lid off and was saying , " Look mommy ! " as she dangled the worm over her mouth . And then it was gone . Since she had been so good in Walgreens and generally had a pretty good day , I decided that it would be OK for her to have them . They are seriously her favorite candy . She once ate two bags before anyone noticed she even had them . This particular town has a very old and large congregation of Catholics who just built themselves a brand spanking new , beautiful ( so I 've heard ) church , complete with gift shop . ( I kid you not . ) Seeing as how the Catholics own a majority of the main strip through town , they are free to put up as many Nativity scenes as they want . So they do , and I think there are five . In about a 3 block stretch . It actually is very nice , a constant reminder of the reason for the season , and they are beautiful sets . Not the plastic light - up ones you see on people 's front lawns . Oh no , these are custom built wood mangers , just like where Jesus was born , with life sized figurines and straw and spotlights that illuminate them at night . There is also a star above , in case there are any additional shepherds that need to find their way . The whole time Charlie and I had been in the car , I had pointed out every house that had good Christmas lights , and asked her , " Charlie , do you see those pretty lights ? " And she would respond , " Yeah , " in that tone that says she is just humoring her silly old mom . I am sure by the 20th time I asked she was wishing Sam was in the car to ponder about roadkill . We finally pulled up to a stop sign next to a manger and I was admiring the handiwork of whoever made it . All of the sudden I heard Charlie say , " Look mommy ! " , in the same excited tone I had tried to use with her when we were looking at Christmas lights . I turned on the interior light and looked back at her . I was so proud that she had finally noticed something , the beautiful lit - up manger on the corner next to our car . I even thought , briefly , that perhaps she would point out the baby Jesus , or the star over display . " How sweet " , I thought to myself . The choir was starting to sing and I was preparing her pedestal . When I turned to see what she was pointing at , I saw a truly wondrous site . Instead of pointing at the manger , she was holding up one of the sour gummy worms as high as her little arm could stretch . Looking in the exact opposite direction of the manger . I can only assume she was amazed that the light from a nearby streetlamp was illuminating each bump on the worm and highlighting the color change from head to tail . The worm actually shimmered in the glow of the nightlights . And while it was pretty , it was at that moment that I knew that we needed to talk about baby Jesus more often . And perhaps put the angels on standby . And keep the pedestal in storage . While kids are fantastic at making you proud , they are even better at giving you a reality check . Mine for the day is to not expect a two year old to notice anything but the candy in her hand . I 'm sure I can call on the choir of angels tomorrow . Posted by You know how I told you we went to Florida in November ? Oh , I didn 't ? ? Well , we did . The thing about going on vacation when you have a blog is that there is so much fantastic shit that happens that you want to blog about , and then you forget it by the end of that day , much less remember it a month . However , when you do stupid shit , you usually don 't forget . When we go to Florida , as we do every couple of years , there usually isn 't much of a game plan . Yes , we are going to the beach . Yes , we 'll go to Disney or Sea World or the zoo or Busch Gardens . Once we get there , we decide what day we are going to go where for the big stuff , and for the rest we just wing it . Winging it isn 't very smart sometimes . On Tuesday , we got up and decided just to get in the car and drive . Workaholic asked me if we would wind up at the beach , and I said , " Yeah , maybe , but we won 't swim or anything . We 'll just walk and shop . " Am I NOT the parents to two young children ? ? We wound up driving straight to the beach . Passing , sadly without stopping , the NEW original Hooters . ( Yep , they tore down the first Hooters ever and re - built it on the exact same spot and call it the New Original Hooters . I think that is cheating . ) Once we got to the beach , I suggested we go straight to the awesome playground they have there and let the kids run off their energy . Which worked out great . Until us adults got bored . So we convinced the children to " take a walk " along the beach . And to " go see " the ocean up close . How could I forget I have Charlie for a daughter ? Here is the thing . Since we weren 't exactly planning on going to the beach , much less swimming in the ocean , we didn 't exactly have the appopriate swimwear . Shortly after , this happened . It was decided after a couple more minutes of this that Workaholic would take the girls back to the car to get out of their wet clothes and I would go buy us all bathing suits . So I did , which was stupid , because it took just as long to go buy bathing suits as it would have to drive to the condo and back and get our already paid for bathing suits . For the rest of the week we kept a bag in the car with suits and towels that we didn 't have to use once . Lesson learned . Sometimes it takes me a while to process things . I try to make sense , figure things out , when really there are no answers . After 9 / 11 , it took me two days to come to grips with the reality of what happened . To allow myself to feel grief , sadness , shock , fear , and anger . After 9 / 11 , I felt that life was so short . Live it up ! Make the most of it ! Love those around you . You never know when they will be taken away . Last night the reality of what happened on Friday really set in . I stopped moving , stopped talking , stopped thinking of the next couple of weeks and allowed the sadness to settle in . ( Well , it really moved in on its own , but whatever . ) And an old feeling crept into my chest . The feeling I had for a long time after 9 / 11 . Grief . Sadness . Shock . Fear . Anger . There is so much information out there . On facebook , there is a page devoted to the victims , and they are respectful in honoring them . They have asked the families to post pictures and stories , so everyone in the world will know their children for who they were when they were alive . Not for what happened Friday morning . Everyone immediately started asking the question WHY ? And HOW ? And then tried to answer those questions . I guess it is human nature . I did it too . And I found out that what I thought was completely wrong . Not that it mattered , but it was poignant to the fact that there are no answers . I tried my hardest not to engage in any type of discussion on facebook where politics would be involved . I didn 't think it respectful to the victims , to argue about such things before a funeral can even be held . I kind of failed , but at least it wasn 't a spectacular failure . I tried to share what I could when I found information on the children and teachers who died . Emilie Parker was the first picture I saw . The bright blue eyes took my breath away . According to her father , she was caring and loved art , always making cards and pictures for anyone who she felt needed a lift . Her father also told the world that his family was grieving not only for all the families affected , but also the shooter 's family . Which is a very kind thing to say . In each of the children , I see someone I know . My 6 year old niece 's eyes , the impish smile of a friend 's son , the startling resemblance of one of the girls to Charlie . There have been many random shootings in the past 13 years . Each one was tragic and sad . This one hit a little too close to home for me , and most everyone I know . Innocent children . In a place where they are supposed to be safe . Why would someone want to kill innocent children ? Why ? Unfortunately , we live in a world where people kill innocent children . People have problems . With the fast pace of today 's society , and often intense competition to be better than the next guy , oftentimes things slip through the cracks . In our country , it is extremely difficult to get help for mental illness . Especially if you have no insurance or anything but the best of insurance . No one is perfect , but the slipping seems to be happening more and more and is causing greater and greater damage . A lot of people want to blame guns . Well , obviously guns are to blame . But getting rid of all the guns in the U . S . isn 't feasible even if it wasn 't against our Constitution . In my humble opinion , getting rid of the semi - automatic weapons , the ones that do the most damage , that might make a dent . No one , except the military and law enforcement , should have their hands on those weapons . You can learn plenty about gun safety and responsibility with a handgun , and you can shoot a duck perfectly fine with a shotgun . I wish the answer was as simple as ban on semi - automatic weapons . I don 't believe it is . I suffer from depression . I don 't get violent , and often roll my eyes when I get the questions from the doctor about hurting myself or others , because that just isn 't me . Many MANY people in the United States suffer from some sort of mental disorder . No one is perfect . No one has the perfect DNA or the perfect parents and the perfect life . It just doesn 't exist . As much as we strive to attain the American Dream , we just can 't . Over the past couple of days , I have read a couple of very enlightening blogs . One is titled , " I Am The Shooter 's * Mother " . ( * I won 't put his name on my page . ) It opens your eyes to the life his mom probably lived prior to him killing her in cold blood . Then there is another called " I Am The Shooter 's * Psychiatrist . " It spells out exactly what is wrong in our society and country . It explains how these people get to the point of losing their minds and killing random , innocent strangers before they get the If you want to honor those who died on Friday , learn as much as you can . Try to remember their names . Their faces . Their stories . While , sadly , they weren 't the only ones to lose their lives to gun violence on Friday , hopefully they will be the ones that make the difference . The difference needed to make this world , this great country we live in , a better place . That being said , they are about to drive me insane . They have already driven me to drink , which , let 's admit , wasn 't much of a stretch . But my little angels are full blown GIRLS . I asked facebook last night if girls truly are more emotional than boys , even as toddlers , or if it was something I did to cause this . This . . . daily battle of meltdown after meltdown because YES YOU HAVE TO GO TO PRE - SCHOOL TODAY . The tantrums that are thrown when you tell a child that they cannot stand on a chair on top of the fireplace hearth to reach up and grab the ornament on the top of the tree that just happens to be made of glass . ( Why oh WHY did I not put up only plastic or cloth ornaments this year ? ) ( Like it would have really made that much of a difference , Charlie breaks everything . ) The general consensus was summed up best by my sister , the saint who is a mother of three darling little humans of the female variety , two of whom are twins . Her response was , and I quote , " Yes . Yes . Yes . Yes . Yes . " I presume one Yes for each of our girls . One of my facebook friends said that it greatly depended on the child and parental reaction . Which , apparently I have two more emotional than less emotional girls . And as far as parental reaction ? I have tried everything . From ignoring to calmly responding to screaming , to mimicking the tantrum at a lesser level , to putting them in their room or timeout . I 've tried to sympathize with them , let them know that I DO feel their pain ( which sometimes calms them down ) , there is just nothing I am going to do about it . ( which gets them fired back up again ) The only thing that consistently works is to give in and let them have their way . Which . . . no . Does not work for me . At least all the time . Life isn 't fair , and I guess my kids are learning that young . As the parents of four girls , I sincerely do not know how mine survived . One definite side effect is that my dad no longer attempts to talk if there are female relatives in the room . Sometimes he will raise his hand at dinner , but no one ever calls on him , so he doesn 't get his turn to speak . Poor , poor man . My mom made us dinner every . single . night of our childhood . And she always kicked us out of the kitchen , saying it was too small for more than one person . Which , OK , maybe it was . But I see now that making dinner was the only alone time she really ever got . If there had been a door , I am quite sure she would have shut it . And put in ear buds if those existed back then . Poor , poor woman . Another thing I remember from my childhood involved our parents getting mad at us for fighting . And the thing is , I am not even really there yet with my girls . What gets me is the attitude I get my teenager preschooler . She takes longer than anyone in the house to get ready . And when you tell her it is time to go , she responds with , " Ugh ! I 'm coming ! " When I am trying to help her clean her room and all she is doing is talking about Baby Panda Bear and I am doing all the cleaning and so I start scolding her , I get , " Ugh ! Mom ! Why are you so mean ? Just calm down ! " She 'll make a clicking sound with her tongue , " Well mom , ( click ) I know that we are going to get ready for bed now , but how ' bout I just watch the iPad for a little while until I get tired ? " It is more of a statement than a question . And when I respond with a , " Yeah , that 's not going to happen , " the meltdown begins . When the girls make a mess , they know that they must clean it up . And then we tell them to clean it up . Five times . Eventually , Workaholic gets mad and tells them he is going throw out everything that is on the floor . Which creates an instant and very loud negative reaction from Sam , and Charlie usually just wanders away . I supposed she figures she 'll let Sam get the attention for this , and Sam is more than happy to be dramatic enough for both of them . Last night , I came home to two screaming , sobbing , clearly traumatized children . Daddy had " thrown out " all their toys . Workaholic said that when he got out one trash bag , Sam immediately ran over to the cabinet where they are kept and tied the handles together with a string , and then ran back to him to try to rip the bottom out of the bag . He was pretty impressed with her problem solving skills . I was less impressed with that than the endurance of my kids . I know that kids thrive on routine and positive reinforcement and all that jazz , but sometimes that shit just does . not . work . And what do you do then ? Besides tear your heart out and chug a bottle of wine . I actually totally get why Brittany shaved her head , being the parents of two kids , especially that close in age , will make anyone want to do something drastic . I went to Florida . With my husband . And my kids . And we drove . WE DROVE . Have you ever been in your car for 20 + hours with your kids and each other ? Yeah , it . was . awesome . And then we got there . And the weather was beautiful . And I got to eat cold stone crab claws with mustard . And we went to the Lowry Park Zoo , which is great for people with small children . We fed a giraffe . Well , we tried to feed a giraffe . The girls both LOVE turtles . They are obsessed with them . Do you have any idea how many different kinds of turtles there are in this world ? A LOT . They are everywhere . And I am fairly certain that this zoo had every . single . species of turtle that exists . It seemed around every corner was another turtle , to which Charlie would scream TURTLE ! and run away from us , with Sam yelling after her , " Charlie , you can 't just run away ! " These particular fellas gave us some education on reproduction . . . Then there was the carousel . Charlie would not sit still long enough for us to get a good shot . I think she liked it . Ever since Sam was born , Workaholic has asked her if she is a squirrel or a monkey . Did you know there is such a thing as a Squirrel Monkey ? ? There is an actual , real Squirrel Monkey sitting on that branch behind them . Maybe if I get a poster made , you 'll be able to see him . Or her . Whatever . A few short steps later , Sam took the opportunity while we chased Charlie around a tree to teach Baby Panda Bear all about orangutans . She is actually pointing out the orangutan to him . Or her . Whatever . After we visited the wallabies in their completely gated yet completely open habitat , it was decided that it would be best for all involved if we went home . So we did , and were happy with we survived another adventure to live to see another day . Specifically , the day we went to the beach . I 'm taking the leap . The huge , ginormous leap . It 's like going from having two boys to two girls . From having two dogs to two cats . From two scoops of chocolate to two scoops of vanilla with chocolate syrup . I 'm replacing Droid with an iPhone . Two years ago , I started working from home part - time . In order to do so , I was required to get a smart phone . Workaholic had a Droid , so I got one too . I quickly became one of those people that is staring at their screen , laughing out loud at seemingly nothing , telling people how my new phone was the greatest thing since ice machines . I took pictures , was / am constantly on facebook , and joined Twitter . I was / am a texting machine . I actually understand why people have entire conversations via text . I can 't explain it , but I totally understand it . And then , a few months in , things started to go awry . I would hit the screen , and nothing would happen for a second . And it would randomly turn off and reboot . And sometimes , when I would be texting , it would stop typing . It was more than annoying , it was super annoying . And then , it almost stopped working completely . Calls were dropped , texts were impossible . I just couldn 't take it anymore . I called them , and they sent me a replacement . A refurbished replacement . So . . . that was awesome . And the refurbished replacement had the exact . same . problems . as my old one . They weren 't immediate , it took about a week for them to kick in . So I called again , and I was sent another refurbished replacement . Which has . . . let 's say sufficed , for the past year or so . But now , NOW , I get to join the legions of people who cried when Steve Jobs died . The ones who tweeted , " RIP Steve Jobs " from their iPhones , while working on their iMac , and listening to music they bought off of iTunes . So yeah , maybe I 'm a little late to join the party , but baby , I ' M HERE ! I haven 't really ever talked much about Kale on here , because , well , he is the second . And that is just the way things go . Here is a list of things you need to know about him . . . The reason why I got Kale when I did was because I knew that Kabo was getting older and I wanted to have another dog that had all of his good attributes . Kabo doesn 't run away when off leash , stays in our yard , knows a bunch of tricks like sit and down and wave , and generally knows when to leave a person alone . ( If you pet him , he will be your best friend . If you don 't look at him , he 'll have nothing to do with you . For at least a few minutes . He does eventually try to win over even the hardest of non - dog - loving hearts . ) Everyone who knows Kabo loves Kabo . And I knew that I would be raising this new dog in a totally different environment than we raised Kabo . I know that I wasn 't solely responsible for his awesome - ness , so I knew that I needed help with a puppy . When I went to get Kale , there were still six other puppies left out of the twelve in his litter . I was able to witness feeding time , and it was basically a black puppy eating frenzy . They were polite , no growling or such , but pretty much went in a circle around the bowl , perfectly synchronized , scarfing down as much food as they possibly could before any of the other puppies got more than their fair share . The first time I met him , the breeder brought him up from the kennel area and I attempted to see if he liked me . Because really , I liked him , he was a puppy , what was there NOT to like ? But he seemed more interested in what was in the kitchen than me or any affection I might give him . He was sniffing at the counter and didn 't want to be anywhere near the living room , where we were sitting on the floor . When we took him outside , the story completely changed , and that is why I chose him to come home with me . . . because he chose me . Now , a year and a half later , Kale 's favorite room of the house is still the kitchen . When the kids eat at the bar , he is positioned between them , staring up , just waiting for something to fall . He considers the chairs fair game if the food doesn 't make it into the girls ' mouths , and willingly cleans them off , whether the girls were going to eat that bite or not . When we eat together as a family , and especially when we have guests , I have to put him in the laundry room , because he literally cannot help himself . He knows that he shouldn 't beg , yet he inches closer and closer to the table until you look down and his nose is right next to the hand which is holding your fork . I 've tried making him stay in a certain place , but to be honest , it is a lot of work . I have just a couple of minutes to eat my food as it is , and spending that time taking him back to the same spot over and over just isn 't what I am generally in the mood for at 6pm . I used to crate him , but wow , he was really annoying with the crying . I have also since taken the crate down . So we deal with it . To the laundry room it is , unless his manners are working for him that day and he doesn 't annoy me too much . I feel like I should mention that no matter what brand of food , nor how much he gets , he always . wants . more . He gets almost four cups of food a day , which is more than the recommended amount on the bag , and that amount is for un - sterilized animals who have higher metabolisms . So yeah , he isn 't starving . Around five o ' clock , him and Kabo start to stare me down and follow me around , just so I won 't forget to feed them . Not that I ever forget to feed them , OK , maybe just once . Sam and Charlie LOVE to help feed the dogs . Charlie especially . She sees me pick up the dog bowls and she 'll scream at me and cry if I don 't let her put at least one of them down . She is very serious about the whole matter , s - l - o - w - l - y leaning down to put dishes in their designated spots . Since she loves to feed the dogs , I suppose it is only natural that she also loves to play in the dog food . Kale 's food is in a container on the landing in our garage , which means that Charlie can just wander out there anytime she wants and attempt to pry it open . Usually she can 't . The other day she could . What followed was an experiment I had been wanting to try , but couldn 't find enough excuses to do so . Charlie filled up one of the dog bowls to the very top , almost perfectly level . She then " accidentally " dumped it out onto the floor . It was probably eight or ten cups of food , and Kale heard it hit the ground . He was cautious at first , looking at me since I had let out a loud exasperated " Charlie ! " when I heard the food spill . I looked at the food , then at Kale , he looked at me , then at the food , and I sighed and said , " OK . " He dove . He didn 't have the same desperate drive to get all the food in his mouth as quickly as possible , especially since I think he knew I wasn 't about to sweep it all up . But that damn dog ate every last kernel of dog chow that was scattered across the floor . He thoroughly checked underneath the refrigerator and obediently allowed Kabo to have a few bites when he approached , and I was so relieved that I didn 't have to sweep up yet another mess . But it just confirmed what I thought , if I accidentally left the top of the tub open , he probably would eat the whole damn thing . The first six months of Kabo 's life I could barely get him to eat half of what was recommended , and even since then , he 's never been so worried that he won 't get fed . Kale , I guess it is just that survival instinct kicking in . . . eat as much as you can while it is there . Even if you know more is coming in 12 hours . I supposed that is juts one of the downfalls of being one of twelve . Posted by I stopped at the park for a few minutes over lunch since the girls were there with our nanny . This particular park is on quite a busy street . Cars go by every few seconds , if not more often . After parking , I noticed a little kid about Charlie 's age and height running towards me . Since I was still pretty close to the street , I kept an eye on him as he realized that I was NOT his mom and turned to run the other way . I kept watching him , and he kept wandering closer and closer to the street . Actually , the kid was making a beeline for it . I thought to myself , " He 's going to stop , he 's going to stop , " ( you know , because toddlers totally know to stop at the curb ) , but the kid was determined . I started walking his way and then had to break into a ( pathetic ) run to catch him before he hit the pavement . Just after I put out my hands to stop him , a big white SUV drove past . There was no way they would have seen him , since we both were behind a car . I guess if they saw me running and put two - and - two together , but let 's not bank on that . The kid started pointing across the street and said " Mommy " and tried to get around me . Now here is where maybe I am weird . I didn 't pick him up . I didn 't want him to freak out on me and start screaming and draw all kinds of attention and make me look like some sort of child kidnapper . I kept trying to herd him back to the park , and after what seemed like forever , ( more like 3 seconds ) I look up and his mom is running . She thanked me profusely and was shaking and hugged him tight . He looked like he could give a damn about the whole situation . At that point , I realized my heart was pounding . I 'm not sure if it was from the 30 feet I had to run or the adrenaline that rushed through me when I realized what was going on . And what could have happened . We smiled at the new mom and went back to getting my kids to play on the playground . And here 's the thing . I totally get that your kid got away and you didn 't know . Hell , I hope someday someone is there to stop Charlie from crossing the street before an Expedition rolls over her . I was totally NOT judging the mom , I was just happy that I was there and could help . But not 10 minutes later , while we were at the swings , I noticed the little boy again . He had wandered over and was trying to play with some little girls who had a wagon . Who were vehemently against a little boy joining in their game . And the mom was probably a good hundred feet away , in a totally different section of the playground , talking to some other moms . I get that kids get away . Some more than others Some are hell bent on giving their parents heart attacks . But don 't you think that after your kid almost got hit by a car you would keep an eye on him at least for a few minutes ? He was probably by us for 5 minutes before the mom came over to get him . She had no other children with her , so I couldn 't give her that break . She was just really focused on the conversation at hand with her playgroup . Am I crazy for thinking that she maybe should have been a tad more vigilant ? I know that moms should support each other , and I am all for that , and that none of us are perfect , but her toddler ran away twice , and she didn 't notice for several minutes . Now that I have put it out there , I am sure that Charlie is going to run away and have to be brought home by the police before I realize she is gone . Karma is a bitch . Posted by There are lots of things I don 't remember from when my babies were newborns . The first time they smiled , the first dirty diaper , the first time Charlie slept through the night . I do however , remember the first time Sam slept through the night . I had heard all these stories from moms about how the first time their firstborn slept " through the night " ( which typically means 6 hours or more ) , they would jerk awake and rush to see if the baby was still alive . That didn 't happen for me . I was at my parent 's house , and it was about 6 : 30 in the morning . I heard her cry , looked at the clock , and all I thought was , " Please , please sleep a little longer . " It had been 7 1 / 2 hours . I should have been ecstatic , but instead I was really sleep - deprived . Luckily for me , Sam continued to sleep through the night , until about . . . oh . . . the past few months . In those precious times , bedtime was a joyous occasion . We had a good routine with Sam , and she was pretty easy to put down . Bottle , swaddle , bed . As she got older it was bottle , books , bed . Sometimes Workaholic would put her to sleep and we would enjoy a nice , quiet couple of hours before going to sleep . The reason I say those were joyous times is because before and after those times , bedtime is the worst time of the day . Worse even than getting up in the morning . My kids seem to save up all of their energy for after dinner , at which time they run screaming around the house , tickling and tackling each other , stealing each others toys , and generally being wild animals . We 've tried to set a routine . . . sometimes a bath , then brush teeth , get into pajamas , read books , snuggle , sleep . Oh how we have tried . The past few weeks have been , well . . . hell . Take tonight , for example . Workaholic is working , so it is just me . I give them a 20 minute warning , at which Sam protests . Charlie says , " OK ! " only because I think she likes to say that word . When I announce it is time for bed , Sam starts whining and asking for things , and Charlie bolts . I chase her down , drag her into her room , and wrangle her into a diaper and PJs . I turn on the sound machine , turn down the lighting , and we read books . At least five every night . And then I tell her that we can either rock and snuggle or she can go to bed . At which she tells me no . Eventually she wriggles out of my arms and climbs into bed . This is where the hell begins . ( as if the fighting beforehand wasn 't bad enough ) We 've gotten into a terrible routine of putting her in bed , me walking out , her getting up , me putting her back into bed . After about 15 times of this , she starts to get really upset . This isn 't a game she wants to play anymore . She has figured out that I will rock her if she is insistent enough , and cries hard enough . I 'm talking the can 't - breathe - sobbing - pathetic cry that toddlers do that sort of break your heart . And it also sorta makes you roll your eyes because you know that they are just tired and WHY THE HELL WON ' T THEY JUST GO TO SLEEP ? ? So I rock her , and then tell her that it is time for her to go to her bed . She goes willingly enough , and a few seconds after I walk out of the room , the crying begins again . And the getting out of bed , getting put back in bed routine starts too . This can be a cycle , I might give her more than one chance to rock and snuggle if she gets upset enough . I figure if she is crying THAT hard , there is no way she 'll calm down enough to sleep . ( I think I need to get a harder heart . ) Tonight , the process took and hour and half . AFTER we went into her room . AN HOUR AND A HALF PEOPLE . I could be watching valuable television , or posting witty things on facebook , or blogging for goodness sake . I could be trying to regain my sanity after a crazy day . I am all for spending 30 minutes on a bedtime routine . But seriously , 90 minutes ? ? And that is just Charlie ! Let 's not even talk about Sam ! The best part of the 90 minutes is when I came out of Charlie 's room to see that Sam had fallen asleep waiting on me . In my bed , of course , but at least she was asleep . And this isn 't the first time it has taken this long . Sam 's biggest complaint is that she " is not tired " and that she wants to sleep with us . Yes , we have caved more than I would like to admit and let her sleep with us . It started out as a necessity of staying in beds that weren 't ours . Then it turned into her begging every night . And if she doesn 't get her way ( yes , we do say no most of the time ) , then she will often get up at 4 or 5 in the morning and want to come in and " snuggle " with me . ( read : push up against me until I fall out of the bed ) So not only am I not getting my alone time at night , but I am getting woken up almost every night by at least one , if not both kids . I 'm not sure how to handle this . I need my sleep . I NEED MY SLEEP . They don 't get sugar or juice at night , and I am limiting how much they watch the iPad and TV . It doesn 't seem to be helping . Does anyone have any other suggestions ? I just don 't have it in me to fight both kids at night and it seems ridiculous that I have to . Maybe this is just karma being a bitch . The leaves are changing and falling off of the trees . The air is crisp , the wind cool , the rain cold . The days are shorter and it seems as though a lot more of them are cloudy days . I used to hatehatehate this time of year . When I was little , I lovedlovedloved it . I " helped " rake the two billion leaves that fell in our yard from the giant oak trees that surrounded our house . I warmed myself by the fire when we burned them , or helped my dad drag the tarp loaded up with wet leaves to dump " over the hill . " ( only Woodcliff Acres residents will understand that ) We carved pumpkins for Halloween and went trick - or - treating in the dark . I was a kid , and it was awesome . A few years ago , I wrote an essay in my hometown newspaper about driving up a certain hill at a certain time of year , and how it would just take my breath away . The myriad of colors in the trees surrounding the river would brighten even my darkest day . That hill , those colors , they mean home to me . But somewhere along the way , I started to dislike fall . All it meant to me is that the leaves would fall off the trees and there would be barren emptyness for the next 6 months . The promise of snow usually wasn 't enough to pull me out of my funk , for there was far too little and far too much time inbetween . It would be too cold and too dark to go to the park after work , or even go for a walk down the street . Mornings were darker , harder to get out of bed , and cooold . A couple of years ago , I realized that I really , really hated fall . My neighbor loves all holidays . LOVES . I mean , she even decorates for Valentines Day . But fall and Christmas decorations are by far her favorite . As I admired her bales of straw and colorful mums and the adorable pumpkin arrangements that she and many other people set in front of their homes , I admonished myself for not decorating . I chided myself for being a lazy homemaker . But it always seemed just too overwhelming . I told myself that " next year " I would purchase corn stalks and gourds . " Next year " , I would put up Christmas lights . Next year , next year , next year . But I am on medication now . Better medication for me . I have started a gratitude journal . Do you know what that is ? Every day , you write down 5 things that you are grateful for . Every day . And you can 't . ever . repeat . Like , ever . The very first thing I wrote that I was grateful for was trees whose leaves turn red in the fall , and not just brown and fall off . It really is the little things in life that are the big things . For the longest time , I thought that my kids were supposed to " provide " me with those little things . But now I know that I am supposed to provide the little things . I am the one who has to notice the beauty of the trees , the refreshing crispness of the air , the way Kabo loves to sit outside for hours because it is so comfortable for him . I am the one who makes decorations happen , no matter how little or extravagant . And then I get to admire the decorations as an accomplishment for myself and an addition to the neighborhood . And with that , all of the sudden , my kids are more adorable , more precious , and even funnier to me . Their excitement is invigorating . It reminds me of my youth and makes me excited to make memories for my children . ( I seriously cannot wait until the girls are big enough to rake leaves . That job really sucks ! ) By taking notice of the trees with red leaves , instead of the ones whose leaves have already fallen off and are bare , I am slowly , ever so slowly , starting to think positive . No longer do I dread the - 20 degree days . Instead I look forward to hot chocolate by the fire . No longer do I dread the hustle and bustle of Christmas , instead I think of all the great deals I will get shopping online ! Instead of thinking that I will continue to gain weight and be unhealthy for the rest of my life , I know that if I continue to make little changes , one day I will lose weight and enjoy the effects of * shudder * exercise . ( Obviously , that day isn 't quite here yet . ) For now , I am definitely enjoying seeing MY bales of straw , corn stalks , mums , and little - girl arranged pumpkins every time I pull into my driveway . ( And Indian corn ! Who can forget the Indian corn ! ) I am excited for Sam 's field trip to the pumpkin patch tomorrow . I just know that the next 3 months are going to be better than they have been in a long time . I was all set to you give you folks a lovely post about sunshine and lollipops , but then the debate happened last night . More specifically , the comments on facebook and twitter happened last night . And so fuck it , I 've got shit to say , and I haven 't had a good rant on here in a damn long time . This is also the point where I should mention that I know little about most issues . I know pretty much what the major news outlets tell me , and by that , I mean the networks of NBC . I can 't help it , it 's just the channel I watch the most . I have not made up my mind who to vote for , and honestly , that isn 't anybody 's business . I just know that there is no one person out there who represents everything I believe in , so I have to pick the next best thing . ( Me being the best , obviously . ) And I am not trying to start a political debate , I am more pissed off by the assholes out there putting words in each candidates mouths and completely skewing what they said . So I watched about 10 minutes of the debate . I saw a woman stand up and ask about AK47s , and what was the plan to do about them . President Obama stood up and gave a nice speech about enforcing the laws already on the books but also protecting the 2nd Amendment . 1 point for Obama . Gov . Romney stood up and said many of the same things that Obama did . They seemed to agree on this issue . And then he went into how the reason for gun violence and murders is the degradation of society . And we need to fix that , and one of ways to do that is to strengthen the family unit . 1 point for Romney . And then I went on Twitter , and someone said , " I missed the debate and just heard someone say that Romney said that single moms are responsible for gun violence ? " Are you seriously kidding me ? Way to put a fucking spin on it , mysterious someone . No , Romney said in the nicest possible way that the fundamental family unit in the United States has been breaking down for a long time . And with that breakdown , morals and values are lost . Studies prove ( I think ) that a two parent household ( on average ) is optimal for children . ( And I personally don 't give a shit if it is two parents of the same gender . . . as long as they are two people who are invested in raising productive citizens . Did you see the kid from Iowa give a speech on gay marriage in the Iowa House of Representative ? ) So what Romney is saying is that more people need to be in committed relationships ( like him and Obama and , you know , Ellen ) when choosing to have children , so they have help in instilling morals and values and all the good shit parents are supposed to teach their kids . I am not saying that single mothers aren 't fantastic . They are fucking superheros , in my opinion . But I also bet that those same single mothers would say that it is really fucking hard to raise kids by yourself and it just isn 't possible to be everything to everyone . There isn 't enough time in the day nor enough energy in one human to do that . And if they had the option to have a partner in raising those kids , someone responsible and moral to help financially and emotionally and logistically , those single mothers would jump at the chance . Because being a superhero is fucking exhausting and they just want what is best for their kids . There may be some people out there ( I don 't know where ) who deny the breakdown of society . They might think that we are advancing and being more open - minded and politically correct and all that bullshit . Here is the thing . Morals and values . I 'm not talking about your stance on gay marriage or abortion or welfare or tax cuts . I 'm talking about the Golden Rule . . . " Do unto others as you would have them done unto you . " And if you have really low self - esteem , another good moral is to simply respect the life , liberty , and property of others . Respect . Why can 't we fucking respect one another ? I remember being in middle or high school the first time I heard the phrase , " Respect isn 't something that is given , it is earned . " I was like , " Oohhh . . . yeah . Totally . " And you know what ? That phrase is bullshit . It was made up by someone who probably had a lot of people beat them down in life . And I 'm sorry about that . But the number one moral that kids should be learning nowadays is that everyone deserves respect . I was going to say that until a person does something to lose your respect , then it is OK to do whatever . And then I realized that is bullshit too . Just because someone pisses you off doesn 't give you the right to pull out a handgun and shoot them . Even if you have a permit for the gun . I guess as Jesus said , " Turn the other cheek . " Or as my father - in - law would say , " Be the better person . " If all people in all societies would treat each other with respect , there would be a lot less war . A lot less murders . A lot less rapes . And I bet a lot less divorce . No one should be treated like shit just because . Because they are white , or black , or gay , or straight , or Catholic , or Jewish , or an illegal immigrant , or really old and driving below the speed limit on the interstate . Have respect for others . Have compassion for others . Treat others as you would want to be treated . It may not be as fun as mocking someone behind their back or telling someone else to fuck off , but it really is better for all of humanity in the long run . This isn 't a new concept . ( See Jesus quote above . ) But it seems more and more people believe the " Respect is not given , it is earned " quote , as opposed to believing in following the Golden Rule . And no one seems to like where this country is headed , so why not try something different ? So to all those assholes who are skewing every word that comes out of the candidates mouths . . . STOP IT ! Seriously , just tell me what I need to know about each guy 's stance on each issue , and quit going for ratings . Otherwise we are just going in circles , like a dog chasing his tail . The dog is getting older , and before you know it , he 'll be dying and everyone will be like , " Shit , what happened to the United States , the most powerful country in the world ? " Fucking Respect . That 's all it takes . End rant . Posted by I updated it last night , so check it out . . . yit is at the top of the page , right in the middle , and is a link that says , About Me . You just might be more like me than what you think . Or not . Posted by Sam has always been a talker . Charlie . . . not so much . Well , she likes to talk a whole lot , in French . Or something else that we just do not understand . The other day , while at the park , Sam fell running on a piece of playground equipment . She whacked her head on a metal bar in the process . When asked if she was OK , her response was , " Yeah . If I would just watch where I am going , things like that wouldn 't happen ! " OK . . . way to give yourself a lecture . While forcing the girls to clean the playroom last week , Sam was literally walking in circles talking to her " friend " on an old cell phone . Which we seem to have in abundance in our house . When I told her to get off of the phone and help clean , she said , " MOM ! Sshh ! I 'm talking on the phone ! " And ran out of the room . Where I had to chase her down and rip the phone from her clenched little fist while she fought me and then threw a crying fit . SHE IS THREE . " I 've had a rough day . " " Mom , I can do it because I 'm bigger than Charlie . I 'm the big sister . " I wanna brush my teeth ! Followed shortly by , " I want a vitamin ! " ( Flintstones really are the best , aren 't they ? I remember as a kid sneak - eating them , and way more than one a day . ) Fortunately for me , both girls have sort of potty - trained themselves . It is not an overnight process , or even a three day process . One day , Charlie just ran and peed in the potty all by herself . Then she started taking her diapers off because she just couldn 't stand them after she peed in them . ( Sometimes , not all the time . Which is why I am not pushing the potty training thing . ) After she peed on the floor a couple of times , I started taking her to the bathroom about once an hour . Which actually works great . ( It doesn 't work great when daddy is in charge , and the timing is not quite right , and suddenly Kale is being accused of peeing on the carpet . ) I 've heard that potty - training girls is way easier than boys , and I totally get it . Sam was super motivated once she made up her mind , and Charlie likes to be just like her big sister . I just don 't understand why she doesn 't give herself lectures when she misbehaves . He turned 13 on September 21st , and he had his own little birthday cake and Kale had a donut . They loved it . I think even Sampson got to join in on the feast . The nights in Michigan have been getting cool . Its like someone flips a switch on Labor Day and cold air moves in and the leaves start to turn their brilliant colors of red , orange and yellow . Septembers are always hard for me , the rapidly changing light , the hot - then - cold weather , the changing leaves . . . which means barren winter is ahead of us . I like green . I like color . I don 't like brown trees with no leaves and naked branches stretched to the sky . Since the nights have gotten cooler , Kabo has decided that he likes to be outside . Especially at night . For hours at a time . One night the last week in September , he had been out for quite a while and then he knocked on the door to be let in . I don 't even know who let him in , probably Sam . After a minute or so , Workaholic says , " Hey , what is wrong with Kabo 's eye ? " I look up and sure enough , there is something there . I figured it was mud from rolling around like a puppy in the grass . He was just standing in the living room , looking at us , like " Hey , I 'm tired . " As we got closer , I realized it was more of a " Hey , I 'm hurt " look . He had somehow , in his nightly wandering , managed to cut just above his eye . Actually , he sliced his eyebrow . It was about an inch long and an inch deep into his forehead . It didn 't bleed a lot , but there was definite cause to go to the vet . Not the emergency vet . I will only go there if I think my animal is dying , like , right now . And since my animal just looked like he 'd been in a bar fight , I figured he could wait a day . We go to bed and the next day he is seen . And sure enough , it needs stitches . Do you know anything about dogs getting stitches ? By their eye ? It requires them to be put under . Fan - fucking - tastic . While he is under , I consent to x - rays to see if he has arthritis in his hind end , since his control of his back legs has gotten a bit worse . I was pretty sure I had gotten these x - rays before , but really couldn 't remember . ( Yes , yes I have gotten them done before . ) So he gets to have " emergency surgery " , which just means unplanned and immediately necessary . The vet calls me that night after 8pm to let me know he was OK and awake and I convinced her to keep him overnight . Two kids and a cat and another dog in one house does not exactly make the best environment for recuperation . I get him the next day and he looks like an honest - to - God pirate . With an Elizabethan collar on his head . ( we just covering all time periods here ) He is a little down , but shows absolutely no symptoms of pain , unless lethargy is his way of saying " Ouch , I 'm hurt . " I go to pay the bill and it is literally hundreds of dollars . Which I happily paid , seeing as how the office got me right in and took care of him well and basically did everything I asked . I was surprised by the amount though . It just seemed like a lot of money for a random cut over his eye . OK , slice . Slice over his eye . And no , WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED . ( that was for you , dear sister ) What is the point to this kind of random story , you ask ? If you get a dog , and are planning on it living a long , healthy life , get pet insurance on him when he is a puppy . The first 7 or 10 years of his life you may feel as though you are throwing money out the door every time you pay the bill . But one incident will probably make up for those years of paying for insurance . ( It 'd be way too expensive to buy it for him now . ) Vets are DOCTORS . Which means they went to school for years and years and fought for one of the few spots at a prestigious veterinary school and then incurred thousands upon thousands of dollars in student loans . They have intimate knowledge on several species of animals , get paid much less than what you would think , and have to deal with many , many clients who have to make ( literally ) life and death decisions about members of their family . . . based on finances . I LOVE VETS . I just really , really wish I had splurged on pet insurance when Kabo was younger . But at least my old - man / pirate - who - got - into - a - bar - fight is OK . And back to his disappearing ways . ( this was one day post - surgery , he is much happier now that the cone is off ! ) Never forget when my mom came into my bedroom , waking me up by exclaiming , " Wake up ! Two planes have hit the World Trade Center ! " ( I 'm ashamed to admit that I wasn 't 100 % sure that the World Trade Center was in New York . ) With my dad as a small plane pilot , I remember thinking , " How could a Cessna pilot run into buildings ? They are huge ! Must have been a really inexperienced pilot . " Never forget when I turned on the TV . The now familiar shot of the Twin Towers with plumes of smoke billowing out of them . Peter Jennings told me what he knew . Commercial airliners . Fire . Smoke . Thousands of people . Trapped . Never forget when the first time I changed the channel , to CNN , and then switched it back to Peter Jennings . . . there was a huge grey cloud and one of the towers was gone . He was confused , thought there must have been some sort of explosion . And then everyone realized what had happened . It fell . Just collapsed . Over the years , around the anniversary , I always always watch the shows . The documentaries . Last year I watched the documentary 120 minutes of September 11th . ( Or something like that . ) It went in real time . And I was taken back to that innocence lost , the time in my life where all I cared about was going out on Thursday night , and I could not even imagine not walking with my boyfriend to the gate of my flight to say goodbye . The stories are endless . The heroes of the 88th floor of the north tower . The videographers who just happened to be following the fire battalion stationed closed to the towers . The people who saw it out of their living room windows . The first responders , the thousands of people rushing out , the guy who was saved because of Monday Night Football . And that is just what happened in New York . Every December 7th , I think about Pearl Harbor . And I wonder if Pearl Harbor felt to my grandparents what 9 / 11 feels to my generation . I always think that 9 / 11 had to feel worse , because I just can 't imagine being more shocked . More dismayed . More sad . The sadness was intense . Especially a couple of days later when it became apparent that there would be no more survivors . The people in those buildings weren 't trapped at the bottom of a huge pile of rubble . They were part of the rubble . I don 't ever want to forget . When I see any of the documentaries , and I see the South Tower fall , a part of me stands still . Frozen in time , my mind tries to comprehend just what happened . Even though I have seen the shows on WHY the towers fell , it just amazes me that something that big was brought down . And that people , many people , hated America that much to do this to us . I still don 't understand . Do you know where my husband is right now ? Well , he 's lying on the bed , but that is not where he wants to be . He WANTS to be at the Home Depot . Let me backtrack . A few weeks ago , our darling little Charlie started climbing out of her crib . Which meant that instead of playing quietly by herself for hours every morning , she rolls out of bed as soon as the sun comes up . And toddles her little pee - filled diaper into my room and climbs up onto my bed . On top of me . Effectively waking me up . And I am always too tired and lazy to take her back to HER bed , so I let her sleep the rest of the night ( morning ) with me . Except I never really sleep because all I can smell is pee and ew and I really should change her diaper but if I do that I might as well get up and I don 't want to get up because I am so warm and comfy . Well , I was warm and comfy until someone woke me up and took over the middle of the bed effectively shoving me to the edge almost to the floor and on top of Kale . This has happened every morning for weeks . WEEKS people . I have complained to everyone on facebook and twitter more than once about how I will never ever ever get a full nights sleep again . Like , ever . The sun wakes up Charlie every morning since her vertical blinds only half exist , and so she feels as though she must get out of bed and bother snuggle me . Last night , our darling child also got up at 3 : 30am . So I rocked her until she was ready to go back to sleep and fell back in my bed . So let 's just say I was NOT thrilled when I heard the turn of her door knob . Yes , I wake up now when the DOOR KNOB TURNS . And next thing I knew , she was next to me . I did the first thing that came to my mind , and something I should have done weeks ago . I kicked Workaholic . And told him to take her back to bed . And you know what ? He did . He did so gladly . Well , maybe not gladly , but willingly . I only had to kick him and tell him once . I drifted back to sleep for the whole 45 minutes I had left before my alarm went off . Tonight , Workaholic said to me , " You know what ? Charlie wakes up every morning because of the sun . I 'm going to run to Home Depot after dinner and pick up some blackout vertical blinds . " Are . You . Kidding . Me . This is the exact same thing I have said to him every . single . morning since she turned two and started crawling out of her bed . As soon as it became his problem sleep disruption , he was aaalll about finding the solution . In the spring , I took a look at my calender and kind of went , " Oh shit . " We have a lot of plans . The plan was to be busy little bees all summer , and then I decided to top it off by painting the inside and outside of my house , de - cluttering , and completely rearrange everything . I may or may not have lost my mind . Between my cousin , a friend , and my brother - in - law getting married , that took care of 5 weekends . I had visitors planned for a few others , so really , my first truly free weekend would be in August . Maybe a lot of people live like this , especially once their kids get older , but this was my first time having such a busy summer . It was weird . Really , I 'm NOT that popular . Right about the time I realized all of our commitments , we decided to send the girls back to daycare . This involved a lifestyle shift in that I now was responsible for getting them up and out of the house every morning , instead of just me getting to work every other day showered and dressed on time . ( The other days I work from home , shower optional . ) So , yeah . Everyone else does it , but for me , it was a really rough transition . I backed my van into Matt 's van , twice . And then I took off my side mirror with a mailbox . I lost my camera . The one that simply cannot take a bad picture . The best camera EVER . And then I found it . And then I broke it . I lost my wedding rings . Yep , you heard right . My wedding rings . And also the ring that Workaholic gave me on my 21st birthday that I wore every . single . day . I remember the last minute I saw them , but there was a lot of movement in between now and then , and well , let 's just say that I have not given up hope . So it really should not have come as much of a surprise to me when I lost Sampson . We were at the lake . It was late . I was exhausted . It had been a long couple of weeks . I just wanted to go home . The house was a disaster . Workaholic and I looked at each other , and he said , " You know what ? I have to come back here tomorrow night . I 'll just clean up then . " He was leaving in the morning , and I left shortly after he agreed to clean . This was no time to let him change his mind ! Sampson had gotten out and I was too tired to look for him before I left . We agreed to leave him in Michigan for the few days that I 'd be gone , besides . . . Workaholic would be back that evening . That Monday was hard . I was exhausted , the girls were exhausted , life felt even more out of sorts than normal . So Workaholic came home to help me that evening instead of going back and cleaning . And that is when he told me that he left Sampson outside . A feeling of dread overwhelmed me . I just knew that a coyote had gotten him . Workaholic just knew that some little 8 year old girl had found him and hid him in her closet so her parents didn 't know that she had taken in a cat . He encouraged me to walk through the nearby woods and put up flyer 's around the trailer park that is behind our cottage . " He 'll come back . " At our small lake , someone writes a newsletter that gets delivered to all lake residents on Fridays during the summer . I kept telling myself to put a LOST CAT ad in the newsletter , but also thought , " What is the point ? Even if someone has him , most people in the trailer park don 't get it and I already put out lost cat flyer 's . He 's gone . Yet another thing I lost . " But then a guy lost his turtle . His turtle . And he put a LOST TURTLE ad in the newsletter . And I thought , " What the hell ? Might as well give it a try . " So I sent a picture and ridiculously descriptive ad to the editor and waited . A whole week . On Friday while at work , my cell phone rang with a number I didn 't know . And they left a voicemail . HE ' S BEEN SPOTTED ! And then I got another call from a number I didn 't know . HE HAS DEFINITELY BEEN SPOTTED ! ! And then a third and a fourth call came . The fourth call was the jackpot . Not only had this girl seen him , but she had played with him regularly and recently . Apparently the extremely friendly portion of my ad was the clincher . On Saturday morning , I went and picked him up . He had tuna breath and I swear is fatter than when he left . Apparently he didn 't go into the trailer park , he went through the woods and headed south , visiting anyone who would have him . And lots of people saw him , and played with him , and fed him . The young teen girls who captured him and handed him over were giddy with excitement . They 'd seen him a lot over the course of the last few weeks , and were so happy that he had a home to return to . I was just hoping it really was him and I wasn 't bringing home the wrong cat again . For the first couple of hours after we got home , he was a bit skittish . And to be honest , I really don 't know where he was . But then I found him on Sam 's bed , and petted him for a few minutes . I wanted to hear his squeaky purr . ( have yet to hear it ) After that , he came out and parked himself on his spot on the couch and didn 't move much for the next 36 hours . I guess sleeping while out in the forest all alone may not be that easy . He needed a good long nap . I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I am that my family of seven is all back under one roof . ( Well , sort of . We got home last night and Sampson ran out the door tonight . I guess he just couldn 't handle not having a taste of the wild . Even after a 6 week walkabout . ) Even though Sampson disappearing was pretty much Workaholic 's fault , I still felt like I shared some of the blame . It was something else that I lost . But he is back ! And he isn 't broken ! ( that I know of ) I know that we can 't keep him inside all the time , he just won 't have it and would be miserable if we forced it . But I hope that from now on , when he takes off , he can either find his way home or at least I try a little bit harder to look for him . He 's a part of our family and I 'm so grateful to everyone who helped him get back home . I am a mom who also works full - time . I have two daughters and a husband and a Golden Retriever and a black cat and a Flat - Coat Retriever . I had the boy first , then we got the dog , and years and years later we had the kids . Then came the black cat and the black dog . I like sunshine and green grass and non - salty water , and it really doesn 't take much to entertain me . |
Hello ! I 've returned . Today 's story isn 't based on a prompt I got off the Internet . . . it was just something I wrote during my spare time . Warning : This story isn 't recommended for the faint of heart . Jakob slumped his shoulders as he sat during supper that night , saying nothing . Absentmindedly , he pushed his potatoes around his plate with his spoon . His mother and father stared at their feet , silent as well . Hours seemed to have gone by before Jakob broke the silence . " What 's going to happen ? " he asked , addressing no one in particular . " You know , now that the Nazis are here ? " " We 're supposed to be ' unbelievers , ' " said Jakob . " What does that mean ? Why can 't we believe what we want to ? I don 't see what will happen . " " Why is it that everyone hates us , Mutter ? " blurted out Jakob , beginning to mash together his supper . Anna and Mathei glanced at each other for a split second , but said nothing , continuing to mechanically chew their potatoes . Although he wasn 't sure what , Jakob could sense that something had connected between his parents as they looked at each other . An unspoken conversation . Suddenly , before Jakob could protest further , Frau Endelberg burst through the door . Her face was wet with tears and perspiration , and her trembling fingers were caked in blood . Jakob simply watched as his mother immediately rushed to her side , putting an arm around her and shushing her soothingly . The two of them sat on the couch as Mathei and Jakob warily approached them . It was a very long time before Frau Endelberg could utter a word . " Tell me , Hella , what has happened to you ? " inquired Anna . Frau Endelberg didn 't immediately answer ; she took some time to calm herself down . Jakob noticed that her eyes looked rather unfocused , staring at something no one else could see . Through choked sobs , Frau Endelberg eventually began to respond . " We were at the supermarket , " she whispered . " Henry and me . We had permission . We were wearing our stars . We had our identification cards … " She paused for a moment as fresh tears trickled down her cheeks in a miniature stream . After taking a deep breath , she continued . " Then … for no reason at all , a Gestapo officer took little Henry away from me and said , ' Do not resist , or he will die right now . ' I began to sob and plead hysterically ; I couldn 't help myself . It was my son they had . But then , he … he pointed his gun at Henry 's head and said something to another Gestapo officer . " Frau Endelberg closed her eyes and took a few more breaths . Jakob listened numbly , dreading the news she was about to break to them . " He grabbed me from behind , the other officer , " she continued . " It didn 't matter to them … I tried to wrench myself out of his grip , but it was too late … the first officer had aimed his gun and pulled the trigger , and … oh , I shall just die without my Henry with me ! " Her sobs started up again stronger than ever , and Anna took her into her arms , wearing a blank expression . All the color had drained from Jakob 's face . He could hardly feel his father 's hand in his own . Henry is dead ? he thought hollowly . Henry , the one who had gone with me when I was banished from school ? Henry , who had stood up for me when the grocer thought I had stolen from him ? Henry , my friend , has been killed ? Before Jakob could process much more , Frau Endelberg lifted her head and said to Anna and Mathei urgently , " You must hurry . There isn 't much time . My child has already been taken from me , but that doesn 't mean that Jakob 's life should end the same way . The Gestapo are going door - to - door , kidnapping children and bringing them to concentration camps . They should be here soon . " Suddenly , Jakob was brought back to his senses . Those words - " concentration camps " - brought back a memory from long ago . What did they even mean , anyway ? Frau Endelberg glanced at Jakob , and then continued . " Hide the boy , and hide him well . Give him food and drink . Hurry , please . I wish you all the best of luck . " And , with that , she was out the door . Anna disappeared into the kitchen and took a small bottle of water from the pantry . Mathei knelt down in front of Jakob so their eyes matched . " Jakob , " said Mathei in a hushed voice , " you must follow my directions carefully . " He waited for Jakob to interject , but when he remained silent , his father continued . " You remember the hiding place under the floorboards , don 't you ? The place where you and your friends used to hide during hide and seek games ? " Jakob nodded silently . " You need to go in there and stay there until your mother and I come to get you . Okay ? We 're not even sure that the Gestapo will come to our house at all , but we can 't afford to take any chances . We just can 't . We 'll give you food and water , but do not say a word . Not a peep . If anything happens , remove your star and go to this address . Don 't draw attention to yourself . Do you understand me ? " Jakob nodded a second time and took the piece of paper his father was offering him . When he read the address , he realized that if anything did happen ( which he liked to think that it wouldn 't ) , he would have to walk nearly ten blocks . " Vater , I 'm afraid , " whispered Jakob , his voice wavering . Mathei pursed his lips and ran a hand through his graying hair . Just at that moment , he looked as though he had aged ten years . Jakob noticed that the folds and wrinkles on his father 's face had become more pronounced over the past few months , and his lips were cracked and dry . Mathei gave his son a stony glare , and then pulled him into a tight hug . " I love you , Jakob . You know that , " he said , his voice muffled in Jakob 's collar . " We 'll be back for you shortly . Don 't you worry . " By then , as they pulled apart , Jakob could feel tears stinging in his eyes . Anna approached them , carrying the bottle of water and a small paper bag . She wrapped her arms around Jakob silently , and then handed him the food . " We love you , " she told him . " We 'll return when the Gestapo are gone . We promise . " She bent down and gave him a kiss on the cheek . Without saying a word , Jakob wiped his eyes with the back of his hand . What was he crying for , anyway ? He just had to spend a little while under the floorboards , just until the Gestapo were gone . He had to be strong . The three of them headed up the stairs to Anna and Mathei 's bedroom . Trying to hide his reluctance , Jakob squeezed into the hiding place while his parents stripped the walls of any evidence that they had a child . Photographs , drawings , posters - all were torn down and placed gently into a paper bag . Mathei folded the bag and handed it to Jakob , who was peering up from under the floorboards , waiting for his parents to trap him inside . " Here , " said Mathei . " Take these pictures and keep them safe for now . They are prized possessions . " Jakob wrapped his small fingers around the bag and set it down next to him . " Are you ready , love ? " asked Anna , her eyes glistening . Jakob nodded , shrinking into the hole . His parents glanced at each other , and then lowered the floorboard , encasing Jakob in darkness . Through the wooden floor , Jakob heard his father say , " Son , put your hands out and try to find a string . " Jakob raised his arms like a blind man and felt around in the darkness . After a couple of seconds , his hand brushed by a rather thick piece of string , and he grasped it . " All right , Jakob , now pull , " he heard his father say . So , with all his might , Jakob pulled on the string , hearing an odd sliding noise above him . Once he pulled the string out as far as it would go , he said quietly , " What was that for , Vater ? " " We attached a rug to that string a couple months ago , lest something like this ever happened , " answered Mathei . " Now the rug is covering the floorboards . We have to go now , Jakob , but remember - don 't make a peep . Be strong . I know you 're a brave boy . It won 't be long . See you soon , son . " " Goodbye , " whispered Jakob , even though he had already heard his parents ' footsteps recede . All of a sudden , he felt extremely alone - more alone than he ever had before . He crouched down and hugged his knees to his chest , shivering despite the warm , stuffy air . What shall I do down here , all alone ? he asked himself . I haven 't any toys to play with . There 's nobody to talk to . I can 't even read in this wretched darkness ! His thoughts began to circle around what Frau Endelberg had said . Still , he wasn 't able to believe that one of his good friends , one of his companions , had been killed . It just didn 't seem to sink in . Jakob looked back on the years during which he knew Henry , stretching his memory all the way back to 1938 - when they were both five . Fondly , he remembered that day during school , the first day of kindergarten . I wonder what I would have done if Henry hadn 't been there , thought Jakob . He began feeling guilty . Henry had always stood up for me . I can 't seem to remember a time when I had done the same for him . Oh , it should have been me that died , not Henry ! Why must such horrid things happen to good people ? With that , Jakob began to cry , burying his head in his arms so no one would hear him . There he sat , crying silently , for what seemed like hours . Jakob wasn 't sure how long he had been asleep when he heard a door slam . Aching all over , he lifted his head and blinked in the darkness . He was able to make out some scuffling downstairs , but he didn 't really know what was going on until he heard the shouts . " He 's lying ! " yelled another man , his voice so loud that it rattled the windows . " Search the house ! " Jakob shrunk down lower as he heard heavy footsteps pounding up the stairs . Slower , lighter footsteps followed , and suddenly his father said from right above him , " You won 't find any children in this house . " Suddenly , his father 's sentence was cut off with a loud bang , causing Jakob to start . He heard his mother begin to scream , a loud , searing noise that made his ears ring . Fear clutched his heart , and he wondered , What 's happening ? What 's going on ? Before Jakob could think much else , another bang tore through the room , and Anna 's screaming immediately ceased . Jakob flinched , tears beginning to spill from his eyes . He covered his mouth so the men wouldn 't be able to hear his shaky breathing . Without another word , the heavy footsteps crossed over Jakob 's head and descended the steps . A few seconds later , he heard the slam of a door , and then there was silence . Jakob didn 't move for what seemed like years . Tears were streaked down his cheeks , and his head ached painfully . But , as his father told him , he didn 't climb out from under the floorboards . He remained hidden , quivering and quiet , waiting for his parents to release him … even though he knew in his heart that they never would . Jakob had lost track of time . For all he knew , he could 've been under the floorboards for weeks . Even though he had only eaten one of the crackers his mother had given him a day , he had run out long ago . The water , to his dismay , was running out as well . But , even though he was aching and starving , Jakob refused to emerge from his hiding place . As time dragged on , Jakob 's water bottle ran dry , and he began to feel lightheaded . He had become extremely weak , sitting alone in that hole , and he began to fear that he would die there . Because he had no other choice , Jakob finally decided to go against his father 's orders . He staggered to his feet , clutching the little slip of paper and the bag of photographs that his father had given him so many days before . He could smell them before he saw them . Stricken with terror and repulsion at what was lying in wait for him , Jakob raised his head above the floorboards and blinked in the excruciatingly bright light pouring in through the window . As soon as his eyes adjusted , he searched for the source of the vile smell , even though he knew already what that source was . This was the day I 've been waiting for . Valentine 's Day . For the first time ever in my life , I was going to say " I love you " to someone other than my mother on this day . No more " I love you , too , son . " Finally , I had someone else to kiss . I had someone else to hug . And , on this very day , that girl would be mine to kiss and hug for eternity . I gazed dreamily at the diamond ring in my hand . The thing had cost me a fortune , but it was worth it . I simply couldn 't wait to see the look on Laina 's face . We 've been seeing each other for at least seven months now , and I think we 're both ready to move on to the next step in our relationship . She 's the one - I 'm sure of it . I can feel it pulsating like blood through my veins . There 's no doubt about it . She is the one . Of course , it was five o ' clock in the morning , so I was going to have to wait to give the ring to Laina . I had it all planned out in my head ; once she and I went to the restaurant and ordered food , I 'd ask for a bite of whatever she 's eating . She 'll obviously say yes , so I 'll stick my fork ( unused , of course ) into the air above her plate . Then , carefully , I 'd let the ring slide off my fork and onto her napkin . " Laina , " I 'd say , " will you marry me ? " My eyelids , heavy as boulders , slowly parted . Everything was blurry and extremely bright . I held up an arm to sheild my eyes , and then croaked , " Whaddayawant ? " Suddenly , my eyelids shot open like window shades . Laina 's here ? I thought , my heart beginning to race . But she wasn 't supposed to come until eleven ! Confused , I glanced at the digital clock on the night table next to me . To my horror , the green numbers blinked , " 11 : 17 AM . " I sat up quickly , blood rushing to my head . Had I really been out for that long ? " Laina ! " I exclaimed , nearly falling out of my bed and rushing to pull on some jeans and a t - shirt . " I 'm so sorry ! I completely lost track of time . Forgive me , Laina . " Laina smiled at me , her murky green eyes glistening . To me , her eyes are one of her best features . When she smiles , they smile . " It 's okay , Micah , " she whispered , bending down swiftly and giving me a peck on the cheek . " I 'm not mad . Just get ready , and I 'll be out by the car , okay ? " In less than five minutes , I had showered , shaved , and nearly drenched myself in cologne . Hurriedly , I scrambled down the stairs and out the door , heading towards my sparkling gray Honda . Laina was standing next to it , her long , auburn hair spilling down her shoulders like a waterfall . I opened her door , and then slipped into the driver 's seat . My hands were already clammy . What if nothing went as planned ? What if Laina didn 't want to be my wife ? Quickly , I shook my head , trying to rid myself of those harrowing thoughts . Everything 's going to be fine if you just have faith that it will , I told myself , sticking my key in the ignition . " This is a really nice place , Micah . Thank you so much for taking me , " said Laina . I smiled , but it probably looked more like a grimace . We 'd ordered our lunch at least fifteen minutes ago , and the waiter was due any second . Then , I 'd have to ask her for a bite of her meal , and . . . well , you know . Suddenly , I felt the irresistible urge to use the bathroom . Not wanting to have any " accidents " later on , I said , " You 're so welcome , Laina . I have to use the bathroom really quickly , okay ? I 'll be right back . " " All right , " Laina said , smiling at me . I stood up and strolled in the direction of the men 's restroom , knocking to see if it was occupied first . When I figured out that no one was using the bathroom , I opened the door and stepped inside . Once had taken care of my business , I turned and looked at myself in the mirror . A tall , lanky man stared back at me , his wavy brown hair combed carefully to the side , his dark eyes glistening with worry . " It 'll all be fine , " I said aloud to myself . " There 's nothing to worry about . If Laina says no , then I 'll just wait for her to be ready . And if she 's never going to be ready . . . " My stomach gave a lurch . " I 'll let her get ready for someone else . " In my pocket , protected by a small black case , was the ring . I opened the case to make sure it was still there , and when I saw that it hadn 't moved since I had checked five minutes ago , I let out a sigh of relief . " Here we go , " I whispered , turning to the door . " It 's now or never . " To my surprise , the handle refused to turn . Confused , I tried again . But it was no use - it was locked . What ? I thought , trying not to become frantic . How did this happen ? How could someone have locked the door from the outside ? I don 't remember there being a lock ! After five minutes of gripping the handle and nearly tearing it off the door ( that , in my case , would 've actually been helpful ) , I sighed in defeat . " What 's Laina gonna think ? " I asked myself out loud . " Why did this have to happen to me ? " My last resort was shouting . I pressed up against the door and began to scream at the top of my lungs . " Hello ? ! " No answer . " Is there anyone there that can open this door ? I 'm locked inside ! Please help me ! " No matter how much I tried , no one answered to my calls . I sunk to the floor , anger and frustration boiling inside of me . After one last rap on the door , I gave up . " Laina 's probably looking for me , " I told myself . " She 's probably told someone that I haven 't come back . It 's been fifteen minutes . . . she has to know that something 's gone wrong . " The minutes dripped by . I waited for someone - anyone - to free me , but no one came . No one knocked on the door . Hasn 't anyone got to use the bathroom ? I thought incredulously . It 's been at least half an hour ! Suddenly , like a punch in the stomach , I remembered everything . I was locked in a restaurant bathroom , sprawled on the floor . Had I been asleep ? I thought , picking myself up . My hair was flattened , and my clothes - which had been so nicely ironed the night before - were wrinkled and filthy . Turning to the door , I called , " Yes , there 's someone in here ! Please unlock the door ! " " Told ya there was someone in here , Martin , " a second voice said from behind the door . " Neil must 've locked him in by mistake . You know , we really should have the more experienced custodians fix the locks . " And then , to my delight , the door swung open at last . I nearly fell on top of my two saviors as I scrambled out of the dreaded bathroom . " Thank you so much ! " I breathed , flattening my shirt and trying to fix my hair as best as I could . Then , glancing at my watch , my blood suddenly ran cold - it was 1 : 03 PM . Not giving the two men another glance , I scurried back to the booth in which Laina and I had been sitting . She 's got to be here , I thought . She 'll understand . When I finally arrived to our booth , I caught sight of Laina , still in the same place that she had been when I left . I let out a sigh of relief , glad to know that she hadn 't ditched me . But the relief didn 't last long ; with a sudden pang of horror , I noticed that sitting in my spot was a young man about my age . He wasn 't anyone that I knew , and that bothered me even more . Here he was , sitting in my spot , talking and laughing with my girlfriend . Who did he think he was ? " I was locked in the bathroom , " I told her immediately . " I think one of the younger janitors locked me in by accident . I tried to yell for help , but no one listened . " Laina looked at me uncertainly . " Oh . . . well , it 's already past one . Oliver " - she gestured to the guy in my seat - " asked me to go to the movies , so I guess I 'd better be on my way . Bye , Micah . " I guess you could say that I 've lived a pretty good life . I mean , I can 't exactly complain . I 've done everything a plate dreams to do . I 've carried some of the finest meals under the sun , ranging from a steaming steak to a mountain of sushi . Forks have scraped against my face , but I don 't think there 's a better feeling than that . Knives , on the other hand , can hurt a little more . But , thankfully , nobody really used knives on me unless they had company over . I can 't exactly say how long I had been in the cupboard . The people had been using me less and less , preferring to use the more expensive , better - looking china platters . Sure , I felt neglected , but what can a plate do ? I can 't scream to be used . I can 't open the cupboard and hop right out , seeking new adventures . I can 't do any of that . So , I just sat there , gathering dust , waiting to be plucked from my misery . After a while , I began to forget the feeling of food . All I could remember was that it was a wonderful feeling to have fresh , warm food on my face , being slowly picked away by the person that was eating it . I felt important . If I wasn 't here , I had always thought , the people won 't have anything to keep their meals safe . They 'd have to eat on the table . Oh , how they 'd hate that . In my time trapped in the cupboard , I began to hear new noises in the house . Laughter . Squeals . This was all new to me ; I wasn 't used to this kind of noise . What could it be ? I thought , longing for someone to open the cupboard so I could get a glimpse . Days passed , but all I saw was the dusty inside of the cabinet . I just sat there , alone , pondering life . What else would I do ? All I had control of was my brain , and I wasn 't about to let that go to waste . You see , humans think that inanimate objects like plates and spoons can 't think at all . They believe that we 're not alive . Now , that 's not a problem for us inanimate objects . We don 't really want to be discovered . We just go about with our business , living among the humans . No human would ever suspect a thing of us . If someone claimed that inanimate objects were alive and thinking , everyone would think he was crazy . " That 's impossible , " they 'd say . " It simply doesn 't make any sense . That man is a nut ! " Well , here 's the thing that humans around the world can 't seem to accept : Not everything makes sense . No one knows how things like plates and cups acquired the power to think ; we just can . And we don 't argue against that . We 're aware that we can think , and we don 't question it . Humans , on the other hand , have to have an explanation for everything . They 're even trying to explain how the earth first came to be . My question is , How do they know ? They weren 't alive back then . No one was . They 've just got to love that they 're living , and forget about questioning it . Just when I was beginning to think that I 'd never see the light of day again , the cabinet creaked open . I could feel my heart racing ; it was the first time the cupboard had opened in what seemed like years ! A small , pudgy hand reached up , clutching a saltshaker . I tried to see who it was , but I couldn 't . The person was so small and short that I couldn 't even see the top of his head . The hand placed the saltshaker in the cupboard , and then it was dark again . " Hello ? " I asked . That 's another thing - inanimate objects can talk to each other . It 's just something that we 've always been able to do . Another thing without an explanation . We can 't see each other speaking ; we can only hear it . But that 's better than nothing , I suppose . " Well , Plate , it 's wonderful ! The children are the best . Boy , do they love their salt . Little Addie - the one that just put me in here - is becoming interested in clearing out the cabinets . " " Three , I think . The oldest one is called Burton , but I don 't see much of him . He 's really skinny , that one . The middle one is Mary , who 's as beautiful as anything you 've ever seen . And the youngest one , as I 've already told you , is Addie . " " I 've missed out on a lot , then . Last I knew , there were only two people here . Do you know of a Henry and Jackie Becker ? " " Of course ! They 're the parents of the children ! You mean to tell me that you 've been stuck in here since before they had children ? ! " " It 's a wonder that Burton or Mary didn 't find you ! They loved searching in the cabinets , those two . But I think Addie loves it the most . She 's a quick one , I tell you . Her parents hate it when she comes near this cupboard - it 's their special cupboard , they say - but she doesn 't care one bit . That 's why she hid me in here . I 'm usually out on the table , but she 's taken to hiding things , now . I don 't know what 'll happen once dinner comes ; they 're having chicken and peas , and Henry can 't go a day without his salt . " Then , suddenly , the man glanced at me . His eyes bulged out of his sockets , and he turned around , yelling , " Jackie , c ' mere ! You 've got to see this ! " My heart - if I 've got one , that is - leapt in my chest . They were finally going to use me ! They remembered me from the good old day , and now they were finally going to use me ! Jackie gasped in disgust , and then - by accident - let go of me . I could see dust floating around in the air , and for the first time in years , I wondered about what I looked like . To be honest , I probably didn 't look too clean . But , at that moment , I suddenly didn 't care about how I looked . All I could think was that I was falling , faster and faster , to the cold , hard floor . No one saved me . One of my best friends had once told me that a plate is only able to scream one time in its life - when hitting the floor after being dropped . Humans call it a " crash , " but it 's not a crash at all . It 's the sound of a plate 's scream . It wasn 't painful . In fact , it was quite pleasant . But , because I had been expecting the worst , I still let out the loudest scream I could . I saw Jackie and Henry wince at the sound , and a baby began to cry in another room . But , suddenly , I couldn 't hear anymore . I began to rise , higher and higher towards the sky . Looking down , I saw the married couple bending over my dead body , shattered on the ground . But I felt no pain . I just kept on rising , the image of my two former owners fading . Finally , I thought . Finally I 'm free . Posted by Our story takes place in a small town nestled in Michigan . Now , never mind the name of the town , because that 's not important . All we need to know is that it was a small town , deep in the state of Michigan . Boy , did that town thrive . It was probably the biggest of all the small towns in the state . People there loved to build things , create things , and make things easier for themselves . Their frequently repeated motto was , " Life is never easy unless you do somethin ' about it ! " Now , one could say that they were lazy , but that 's just a different way of looking at it . The people of this small town in Michigan weren 't lazy ; they were smart . All the other towns were jealous of how successful they were . One might wonder why sugar was so important in that small little town . But , without sugar , the town simply wouldn 't have existed . Everybody used the sugar . They grew it , sold it , collected it , bought it , and ate it - boy , did they eat it . Sugar was everywhere on the menu . It was in pies , drinks , cakes , cookies - just about anything you can think of . Heck , they even put some sugar in the meat ! Everything was going simply fine and dandy . Sure , the villagers were a little chubby , but that didn 't matter to anybody . In a town where everyone 's chubby , nobody really is chubby , once you think about it . Johnny Piper was at the sink early in the morning , cleaning up the dishes after breakfast . The Piper family had just wolfed down a satisfying breakfast of blueberry pancakes and syrup - the usual . Then , Mr . Piper headed off to work at the bakery two blocks away , and Mrs . Piper went along to go shopping with her girlfriends . Johnny , the oldest of the seven Piper children , was left to do the dishes while the other kids bathed . Johnny Piper hated doing the dishes after breakfast . Almost every day , the five - year - old twins , Halley and Dolly , ate nearly every single morsel of food on their plates , leaving Johnny nothing . See , people in this town didn 't do the dishes the way we do . Rather than washing them off and wasting a bunch of water , the oldest child in the family was to take everyone 's plate and literally lick it clean . That way , the eldest child would grow up to be big and strong , and the town 's water wouldn 't be wasted . Johnny liked licking the syrupy plates of his family members , but sometimes they barely left anything for him to lick . The smaller kids were getting older now , and with age came hunger . Doing the dishes became a lot less enjoyable for Johnny Piper when the younger children were becoming less picky . Once Johnny had finished licking the final plate , he put them all back in the cupboard and headed for the bathroom to wash . The other six children - Bobby , Mary - Jane , Peter , Hayden , Halley , and Dolly - had already finished washing off , and now they were up in their rooms , watching their shows . Johnny grabbed a new bar of soap from the cupboard above the mirror and , chomping off a bite of it , began to prepare his bath . I don 't like this flavor of soap ! Johnny thought , running the water . I told Papa that I like the chocolate kind , not the peppermint ! Bits and pieces of sugar floated around in the water as it began to rise in the tub . On the floor , in a bucket , were candied pretzels - the best money could buy . Johnny grabbed a few from the bucket and dipped them in the sugary bath water , making sure they were nice and coated . Then , he crunched on them , watching the water rise higher and higher . Suddenly , the phone began to ring . Johnny nearly fell face - first into the water in surprise . He set down his candied pretzels and hurried to the porch , where the phone was ringing obnoxiously . " I need you to lock all the doors , gather your brothers and sisters , and then hide . Take food with you . Just hide somewhere in the house . " Trying his best not to panic , Johnny rounded up his siblings and locked all the doors . We never lock doors here , he thought . There 's no need to . " Don 't worry , Peter , " Johnny said . " Everything 'll be all right . Mama and Papa will be here soon . Just hold tight . " Before long , the kids heard a vigorous rapping at the door . Johnny sprung to his feet . " That must be them , " he said , running to let them in . But , as soon as he turned the latch , five or six men burst through the door , knocking Johnny to the ground . " I 'll look in the cabinets ! You check the bathrooms ! " one of them said , flinging open the cupboards violently . Johnny was so frightened he couldn 't speak . The men raided the house , dumping nearly everything into giant black garbage bags . They paid no attention to the children . " Stupid boy ! This town 's been hoggin ' the whole world 's sugar for centuries , and we 've finally got you . " The man looked Johnny up and down . " We 're doin ' you some good , anyway . Don 't need the extra pounds , chap . " Then , as quickly as they had come , the men left . Johnny immediately hopped to his feet and searched the whole house for even a sprinkle of sugar , but there was nothing . Even his bath water was gone . " How ? " exclaimed Johnny . " That 's all we eat ! That 's all we grow , buy , and sell ! It 's what we take baths in , for Christ 's sake ! What are we going to do without sugar ? ! " " Now , you listen , Johnny , " Mrs . Piper said . " There 's no need to get all worked up . See , they 're planning to put these new things in stores called vegetables . They may not be as delicious as pies or cakes , but they 're edible . " So , from then on , all the villagers in that small town in Michigan ate vegetables rather than sugar . They even started to have vegetable carnivals , contests , and fairs - you name it . They invented things to dip their carrots and cucumbers in . They even renamed their town . Until this day , the small town - now called Hidden Valley - exists in Michigan , thriving on veggies . Everyone knows it 's there , but no one can find it . Hidden Valley 's trade with the rest of the world was something the villagers will never regret - now that everyone else in the U . S . was rolling around with sugar pumping through their veins , the people in Hidden Valley were living for up to four hundred years , munching on vegetables three times a day . Hidden Valley did want to thank the rest of the world for depriving them of their sugar supply , though . They wanted to share their good fortune with everyone else . So , they gave the world a gift - something that they used nearly every day . |
Daughter needed a blood draw this morning . We had been going to the lab behind her doctor 's office , which is across town . That lab doesn 't take Daughter 's medicaid plan , so today I had to find a new lab . I found one just 1 . 6 miles from our house . The blood draw was a fasting one , so we went from there to the diner across the street for breakfast . It added less than half a mile to my commute to church . To go to the closest lab and get breakfast in Tiny Village was a minimum of 22 miles round trip . I was anticipating being very late this morning , especially since I overslept . Daughter was on time for her program . I was here well before Administrative Assistant . I like being back in civilization . . We are dealing with the kitchen locks so that we can keep them locked and prevent Daughter from sneaking off to get food . She has become quite adept at escaping staff to get at food . The program coordinator is going to consider legitimate careers where her skills in this area would be an asset . Got to put a positive spin on things ! One of the priorities that was stated when I came here was for spiritual growth . We 've been doing a study on Wednesdays during Lent . At times it has been discouraging , as I 'm not sure how much they 're getting out of it . Tonight attendance was down , and it was discouraging to think I was losing the group . Then two of the women talked about making use of the breath prayers we had discussed last week , and how they had helped them through some challenges . Then one of the men talked about how he 'd gotten a flat tire on a particularly busy section of the interstate on Saturday . He was being quite descriptive as he told us of the challenges . Then he told us what happened when the tire was fixed and back on the car . " ( Wife ) said to me , ' You stayed calm . ' Something like this used to cause me to get so frustrated I 'd explode . I didn 't this time . I stayed calm . I 've been doing some of the things we 've talked about . It 's making a difference . " That 's what I call spiritual growth . I guess I won 't worry about the lower number tonight . Posted by Monday night we had a board meeting . It was an excellent meeting , and we made plans totally change the way we run our meetings . I was really pleased with the plans we made and am excited about the focus of our future meetings . . Under new business an issue was raised that demonstrates some of the frustrations I mentioned here . First , some background . We have " singspiration " toward the beginning of each worship service . A song leader gets up and leads two contemporary praise songs . A couple of months ago , there were complaints that we weren 't singing the right songs . I asked what was wanted . Recognizing my repertoire of contemporary praise music is limited , Administrative Assistant and I began selecting them together , looking for music that fit the theme of each week 's worship . Many of the songs we 've sung recently are new to me . . Monday night a concern about singspiration was raised . There are complaints about the music we 're singing . It 's not contemporary praise music . Someone else immediately chimed in to say she didn 't like the songs we were singing because they were too repetitive ( that 's part of what makes it contemporary praise music ) . So I now have a complaint that it isn 't praise music and a complaint that it is . I can deal with this . . I asked two questions : What songs have we sung that you didn 't like ? What songs do you want to sing ? No one named a single song in response to either question . I asked that a list of song requests be given to me . Do I expect to get it ? No . I will continue to ask for it , though . So what will I do ? I will continue to look for contemporary praise songs that go with the theme of the service . I will continue to choose more general , well - loved praise songs when I can 't find something specific to the theme . I will give the singspiration leaders a short introduction to the songs . For example , this Sunday the focus is on the man born blind . We will sing two songs that talk about opening eyes . The intro will talk about how we all have blind spots , and all need to ask God to help us seReverend Mom Daughter was at her manipulative best with her program today . She didn 't feel good and couldn 't exercise . A staff member called and asked me what they should do . After making sure her blood sugar was okay , I told Staff to tell Daughter she was sorry she didn 't feel good and she was to do the activity . The report I got was that she did and played hard . When they got back to the church , she escaped and was discovered in the kitchen eating a cookie . One of the saints was supposed to take care of getting the locks re keyed on the kitchen so that the exterior door key ( which program coordinator has ) would also work on the kitchen . He hasn 't done that yet , so I went out and made copies of the current kitchen key this evening . . After escaping , she told staff that she was feeling bad and was beginning to get confused . Program coordinator came up to check with me . I assured her Daughter was manipulating . When we left the church we had to run several errands . Daughter tried to convince me I needed to take her to a restaurant for a sit down meal . I reminded her that various circumstances had resulted in us eating out the last 3 nights , and we were eating at home this evening . She wasn 't happy . . I came home and cooked while she napped . After supper she wanted to walk to the mall and have some fun . I told her she needed to contribute to the family , and gave her several options for chores . She was furious . She refused to do any chores because she didn 't feel good . She slammed her bedroom door a couple of times ( one more time and I would have removed it ) . I ignored it . When she couldn 't pick a fight with me , she came out and put away some clean laundry and ran the vacuum . . Now I need to get all the things I didn 't get done at the office today due to interruptions . . . oops , I mean ministry opportunities . . . . We 're having a family gathering for Daughter 's birthday this Sunday . Yesterday evening Daughter suddenly became very negative . I 'm not sure what set her off . She has informed me that she doesn 't want anyone coming to the house Sunday . She doesn 't want to live near family anymore . If they come , she 'll leave . I told her they were coming , and if she didn 't like it , she was free to hide in her bedroom . . I anticipate that she will change her mind about the party several more times before it actually gets here . This will be the first time she 's had a family birthday party . We 've combined it with our celebration of Easter several times when we managed to get together for Easter ( which wasn 't very often - - I work on Easter ) , and I 'm pondering if the idea of a party for her is too overwhelming . . It 's never easy to figure things out with Daughter , and never will be . Shortly after I began my planned work for this morning , I was given opportunities to do ministry - - three men stopped by . One came in to chat about the legal aftermath of a family death . Two stopped by to report they had fixed the lock Daughter broke on the guest room door . One of the men referred me to this video . It 's one of his all time favorite songs , and the proclamation yesterday was on this story . He told me about the song after worship , but I wasn 't familiar with it , which is rather surprising as I love Peter , Paul and Mary and have attended several of their concerts . I love it when people make these kind of connections , and even more when they share them with me . Posted by Yesterday Brother , Sister - in - law and I were talking about their pastor , who recently resigned effective immediately . The reason for his resignation was unclear , since he is now unemployed and his plans are very vague . He has removed his facebook page and cut off contact with everyone from the church . Of course , speculation is rampant . What is known is that he has a drinking problem . He has gone to AA at various points , but is currently drinking ( he was recently spotted in a bar by a member ) . He is also very far away from family support . He is divorced . He is currently without a driver 's license . . Daughter was listening to the discussion , and brought it up this morning . It bothered her . She thought he was a good guy . She liked him . She is confused . We talked about how he made poor choices . We talked about how God still loved him . I don 't know whether the conversation helped or not . . The reality is that ministry is hard . Without a strong spiritual life , it is impossible to keep going long - term . Even with a strong spiritual life , there are times when it is overwhelming . I don 't know what happened with Brother 's pastor . I won 't speculate about what happened with him . I will write in generalities , though . . I once heard ministry described as like being a stray dog at a whistler 's convention . That certainly describes part of the problem . It is impossible to do everything that the congregation would like to have done , especially if you are the only ministry staff in a particular congregation . Prioritizing work becomes key . The thing is , a pastor can have a carefully laid out plan for the priorities for the week and how to get everything done , and a single phone call can destroy the entire plan . My goal is for us always to be far enough ahead on work in the office that we can handle a funeral or other emergency . But even planning for the disruptions isn 't enough . I once heard of a young pastor who complained that he couldn 't get any ministry done because of the constant interruptions . A wiser , older pastor informed him thReverend Mom Daughter and I made the pilgrimage to meet Baby Nephew after church today . Of course he is amazing and wonderful . He is a very easy going and cuddly . We were there 3 hours , and he didn 't really cry the entire time . Daughter was enthralled , of course . The picture is Daughter with her new cousin . Posted by Daughter thanked me for giving her her " best birthday ever in a number of years . " I was surprised , and asked her what made it good . " Just hanging with you . " . I felt a little guilty , that I don 't spend more time hanging with her . She had not been happy that I had a wedding scheduled on her birthday , so I was pleasantly surprised that she liked her birthday . I made jiffy blueberry muffins for breakfast , and let her sleep in . I played her karaoke game with her , and gave her a few hints on it . I made the time at the wedding brief , and then we headed to a fabric store . I am going to attempt to duplicate an outfit Brother had as a toddler and absolutely loved for Baby Nephew . When Mom tried to donate the outfit , Brother kept taking it out of the bag . He wasn 't even 2 years old yet . He has a picture of himself in that outfit posted on his facebook page . So , I bought some fabric today for that , and then allowed Daughter to pick out fabric for a new skirt and blouse for Easter . We went to a steak house for supper , and Daughter ordered a low carb dinner so she could have dessert to celebrate her birthday . From there we stopped at the grocery store , and then came home , and I got busy in the kitchen . . We may go meet Baby Nephew tomorrow . Daughter seems to be over her cold . I 'm making some corned beef and cabbage to take to them . I 'm also making a broccoli salad for the dinner after church tomorrow . I 'm still not sure about the afternoon . I may be getting Daughter 's cold , and we both have to be very healthy before we 'll go meet Baby Nephew . He outgrew newborn diapers by the time he was 5 days old . I want to meet him before he gets too big ! . If we don 't get down there tomorrow , they may come here next Sunday . Family is gathering to celebrate Daughter 's birthday . We waited a week so Short Niece could be with us ( she 's with her dad this weekend ) . I 'm off to bed - - early for me on a Saturday night . It 's nice having the sermons done in advance . It certainly makes the weekends more enjoyable . Posted by Today is Daughter 's 24th birthday . We will celebrate by going out to eat after the wedding this afternoon . She seems to be feeling a bit better today , though she was rather unpleasant when I told her I needed to wash her hair . I responded to her protest by informing her one of us would do it today . She chose to let me do it . She 's singing now , so that 's a good sign . Her hair is clean , but I need to comb it out and style it a bit . . It is still extremely cold . It 's hard to believe it 's spring . At least the sun is shining . The wedding today is in a facility located in a beautiful , natural setting . I 'm sure they 'll want to take some pictures outdoors . They 'll have to do it quickly or they 'll all be frozen . . I bought Daughter a karaoke game for the wii . I had originally ordered it for Christmas , but decided to save it for her birthday after I purchased another game . It was in my office , still in the shipping box . She knew it was a birthday present , and when she was alone in my office a couple of weeks ago , she opened it . I simply said , " Well , you kind of spoiled the surprise , didn 't you ? " She 's frustrated there is nothing to open . I probably would have bought her something more if she hadn 't opened the gift early . She 'll still get dinner out at a very nice restaurant , and I 'll probably get her some new clothes in the next few weeks . . It 's hard to believe she 's 24 . She 's been with me 21 years , and next month we 'll celebrate the 16th anniversary of her adoption . I never thought she 'd need this much supervision at this age . It 's a good thing I didn 't know what I was getting into . Posted by We watched an old movie tonight . It was set in the country from which the settlers of Tiny Village came . It featured some of the old songs that were so much a part of life in Tiny Village . The music was wonderful , and I found myself missing it . . I 've been pondering vacation possibilities today . Daughter continues to wet the bed every night , which really makes traveling a challenge . As I was pondering possibilities today , I decided that maybe I 'll take vacation here at home . I couldn 't stay home on vacation in Tiny Village , as I lived right next door to the church . The two mile separation I have here makes it possible to stay here . There are plenty of things we can do in the area , including some nature areas . We could be home to sleep in our own beds at night . It would be cheaper . We will still go to the conference we attend each year , and we will also go on a mission trip with the church . Those are back to back . I think I 'll ask for two or three weeks of vacation around those . . Daughter seems to be a little better today , but I don 't anticipate being able to go meet Baby Nephew Sunday as I had hoped . We did Skype with him tonight , which was nice . Posted by We 've had a return to winter here in Capital . We spent yesterday under a winter storm warning , though fortunately , we didn 't get all the ice they were predicting . The worst part of the ice was actually in the evening when I left the Lenten program . These programs are well received , but are taking a great deal of my time . This morning , the roads were icy . I was slower heading into the church , hoping they would be better , but I slid through one intersection . I 'm ready for spring . . Daughter has a cold . She slept from the time we got home until bedtime . I think she 'll be home with me tomorrow . She 'll have to go with me to a wedding rehearsal tomorrow evening and a wedding Saturday . I doubt we 'll be able to go meet Baby Nephew on Sunday . They got home from the hospital today , and are doing well . Daughter turns 24 on Saturday . I 'll take her out to eat right after the wedding , provided she 's up to it . We didn 't go back to the church for choir tonight . Daughter wouldn 't have been able to sing , and I decided I would take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy an evening home in the middle of a busy week . . Hurry up , spring . Yesterday evening Daughter spent about 90 minutes at a supported living facility that offers respite . It was to get her comfortable with this resource that will allow me to have some breaks . She loved it ! When she came out , she informed me she had to go back , because she was helping to design the t - shirt for a fund - raiser they will have have this summer . She was quite pleased . . When we got home , she tried to break into the guest room , where I had locked up the girl scout cookies that were delivered yesterday . She didn 't get in , but she did mess up the lock . I 'm probably going to have to call a locksmith to get back in . She 's also coughing and stuffed up , so I don 't know that I 'll get to meet my nephew this weekend . . Yes , I 'm frustrated with her . I will be taking advantage of that respite . To add to my joy , we are under a winter storm warning . Ice and snow . It 's been a long winter . I can 't complain too much , though , because weather cooperating , I will get to lead a study at lunch time and this evening . I love teaching and leading discussions . Love it . Posted by Yesterday evening my sister - in - law gave birth to a healthy baby boy . This is Brother 's first child . Dad went by his middle name , using just the initial of his first name . Brother was given a name that would repeat the first initial and the same middle name . Brother continued this tradition with his son . I find myself thinking about Mom and Dad a lot yesterday and today . How much they would have enjoyed holding their grandson . How proud Dad would have been to see the tradition continue . Daughter was talking about my parents , too . I think they are on all our minds as we celebrate this new life in the family . . If Daughter is healthy , we will make the pilgrimage to see this new family member Sunday afternoon . I look forward to meeting him . He will begin his life in the same home where my parents raised all of us . He will be surrounded with love , just like all of us were . There will always be new life . Posted by I printed out the calendar for the week this morning to plan menu and chores . I knew it was going to be a busy week , but I didn 't realize how busy until it was there in black and white in front of me . We will be away from home every evening this week . I will only be cooking 2 - 3 evenings , depending on what I decide to do after the wedding rehearsal on Friday . I also have two luncheons this week . Fortunately , Daughter is in a much more cooperative mood these days . I placed the calendar in front of her and asked her to add her chores . She looked at it and said , " I don 't know what to do , there isn 't any time this week . " I cut back on the chores and helped her schedule them in , and she was quite agreeable . . She was up this morning without me saying anything . I turned on the light , then pulled the covers off a few minutes later . We were out of the house by 7 : 00 . We will head out at about 3 : 00 to go home . She 'll clean the big bathroom while I cook supper . Then I 'll drop her off with some of the saints and come back to the church for meetings . I have two at the same time , so I 'll skip the finance meeting . I 've yet to figure out how to be in two places at once . . Daughter 's birthday is Saturday , so we will leave the wedding to go the fancy Italian place she requested some time back for her birthday dinner . We will celebrate with family on April 3rd . She will be 24 years old . At least physically she will be . She asked me to do her hair this morning , which I did . She 's gone back to having me braid it because it 's easier and doesn 't get tangled . As I was braiding it this morning I was pondering her desire to live independently . I am never certain what is can 't and what is won 't with her , but the reality is that currently she needs my help to manage her hair , not to mention her diet and health . Tomorrow I am taking her to a supported living facility for supper . We are considering using them for respite . She wouldn 't meet their criteria to live there , but it might work for respite . I hope it will work for respite . I really do wReverend Mom I keep forgetting . Daughter lies . Daughter doesn 't learn . So it was that yesterday I realized that she had been lying to me all those days about not being constipated . Of course , by the time I realized she was lying , she was so plugged up she was vomiting . A suppository solved the problem . She was up multiple times through the night , which meant that she didn 't wet the bed . . I really thought that after she was so miserable last time she had learned . I knew she was drinking more water . I thought she was continuing to drink her miralax . She told me she was . She told me everything was fine . Once again I believed her . I really don 't want to have to start demanding to see evidence when she insists she 's not constipated , but I may have to . I get very tired of the lying . Very tired . Posted by Daughter was wonderfully cooperative yesterday . We had a wonderful evening with good food and good company . As promised , today I will take Daughter to see a movie . I 'm not sure what we 'll see yet , but it will be one of the animated movies that are currently showing . . It was interesting , because throughout the day Daughter kept saying , " It feels so good to have my bedroom clean . " " I like having a clean bedroom . " She was so pleased with herself and so happy to have a bedroom she was proud of . I kept acknowledging how nice it was , and suggesting it would be good to keep it clean . Will she follow through and do that ? I can hope , but I 'm not going to hold my breath waiting . I do know the feeling , though . I 'm delighted to have the kitchen really clean again . . Daughter was also delighted to see the crocuses in bloom . She 's excited about discovering what flowers we have in our yard . She really was delightful yesterday . She played wii with Sister Best Friend 's Husband , and they provided entertainment for all of us . It 's days like yesterday when I see her potential and what could be that keep me going through the more challenging days . I hope that today will be another good day . Posted by Today I don 't plan to go near the church . Last week I was there long enough to drop Daughter off in the morning and pick up a couple of things . Today her program is closed , so there 's no reason to even stop by . Every thing is ready for Sunday , so I hope to get two complete days off this week . I recognize that I need to be more intentional about taking this time for me . . Tonight Sister Best Friend and her family are coming for supper . I 'm looking forward to seeing them and to spending time in the kitchen today preparing . I 've promised Daughter a movie tomorrow if she 's cooperative today . She 's excited about company , so I think she 'll cooperate . At least , that was her intention yesterday . I haven 't awakened her yet this morning . I 'm enjoying the peace and quiet . Actually , the peace and quiet just ended . She has emerged . She is dressed and very chipper . She claims she showered . I 'll check to verify that , of course . . Have I mentioned recently how much I like my life here in Capital ? I hope to spend a bit of time outside today . It won 't be as warm as it was yesterday , but I 'd still like to do some clean up in the yard if I have time . Actually , I may make time for that ! It got up over 65 here today , and I have three little crocuses in bloom in my back yard . I still have snow drifts in my front yard , but they are definitely getting smaller . It was sunny today , but tonight we are supposed to be getting some thunder storms . . In other signs of spring , a very big , fat skunk chased one of the staff members in Daughter 's program into the church today . We suspect she is very pregnant and has built a nest under the new storage building behind the church . The property chairman just returned from a tropical vacation , so we called him and welcomed him home with the story of the skunk . I think he may be headed back south . . . . . The geese are passing through . One was perched on the peak of the church outside my office window last week raising quite a racket . I 've heard reports of robins , but I 've yet to see one . There are ducks back in the pond between the church and home . . I 'm looking forward to doing my walking outside and exploring the parks in the area . I understand there are some nice ones . There is a walk along the river that is supposed to be nice . I 'll have to figure out a way to bribe Daughter to get her to cooperate . Maybe I 'll just do my exploring on Fridays , when I 'm off and she is at her program . . . . . Daughter has begun wetting herself during the day . Part of it is laziness and waiting too long . Part of it is attention seeking . Part of it is that staff is making her drink more water , and she 's not used to having to go to the bathroom that often . Next week I 'm going to suggest they start reminding her to go the bathroom every hour or so . Posted by In this state Daughter 's program and mental health treatment all come from the same agency . When Daughter saw her Therapist yesterday , she was making all sorts of wild allegations about what is going on in her program . The Therapist emailed the Program Coordinator today , concerned about what she had heard . Program Coordinator was able to respond and assure her that the allegations are not true , and that Daughter is unreliable in her reporting . Daughter has a team working for her now , and the team communicates with one another . It short circuits many of her games . It 's going to frustrate her , but maybe she will begin to be a bit more reliable . . We had a supper and Lenten study at the church tonight . She informed me she was too upset to eat because she was worrying about the impending birth of a new cousin . I told her to cut the drama and go get some food . She wasn 't able to successfully hook anyone into her drama , so she went and got some food . . After several nights of good ( and longer ) sleep , I am feeling much better . I am thinking that tomorrow morning I will resume walking . I also think I might be able to walk outside . The temperature was almost 60 today , and it 's supposed to be even warmer tomorrow . Spring is coming ! We have several men who have been with this church since the first day . They served on both of the building committees , and take great pride in the building . They know it inside and out , and they really have a sense of ownership over it . Two of these men are getting rather grumpy and rigid . Another member of the church is getting rather frustrated with them . I look at them and know that due to health problems in their families , their lives are spinning out of control . They need to be able to control something , and since they can 't control the health of family members , they are looking to control what goes on at the church . I explained this to the frustrated member . He understands , and has decided to limit his contact with the two of them for the sake of his own frustration level . That 's fine with me . Change is always hard , and this congregation has done quite well with it . We are moving forward , and they will come along or get out of the way . . Daughter is much happier these days . She is a little more cooperative . I don 't know if that means she 's settling in , or that winter is ending , or what . I 'm going to enjoy it , not analyze it . Posted by Administrative Assistant was back in the office today . Have I mentioned that I missed her last week ? I did . I appreciate all she does much more now . I took her a diagram in a book , and she recreated it on the computer for me for the classes I 'm leading tomorrow . I went in late again this morning . The extra sleep helps , but by afternoon I was exhausted . I 'm trying to cut back and pace myself , but there 's much to be done and it 's hard . . I talked to Brother yesterday and again today . Their pastor resigned unexpectedly and effective immediately last week . Brother is on the board , and the church is struggling right now with a great deal of anger and confusion . It 's a difficult situation . It 's not easy being in ministry . He was a single man a long way from family , and he struggled . In the midst of those struggles , he didn 't always make the best or healthiest choices . I hope and pray both he and the church will find some peace . . Daughter is happier these days . She 's not necessarily more cooperative , but she 's definitely happier . I 'm grateful for happy . I 'm supposed to be at a committee meeting this evening . When I talked to the chair about agenda for tonight , I asked if he needed me there . He informed me I needed to take care of myself and to take the evening off , so I 'm doing just that . Daughter had an appointment across town for a medical test , so I took her to that , then we grabbed a bit to eat and came home . I 'm struggling to keep my eyes open . I 'll be in bed soon . . Hopefully a good night 's sleep will help me beat back this crud . Posted by Daughter wouldn 't move this morning . I didn 't make too big an issue of it , since I no longer have to open the church for her program and I 'm fighting a cold . I have a meeting this evening , so I wasn 't particularly concerned about making it to the church by 7 : 00 like I usually do . When we finally pulled in about 8 : 20 , Daughter was shocked to see cars in the lot from program staff . " I thought my program was closed today ! " . " No , it 's open today . It will be closed on Friday . " . " I 'm late ! " . She wasn 't , and I pointed out her lack of concern when I 'm late . She didn 't hear any of it . I found it all rather amusing . Maybe in the future I 'll make her wait upstairs for every minute she makes me late . . . . Today was the first sermon in a series for Lent about close encounters with Christ . Today 's Scripture was the temptation from Matthew . Three years ago I did it as a traditional sermon , and then did dialogues with various biblical characters for the rest of Lent . This year I decided to do it as a dialogue , too . So , as I was beginning my traditional sermon , suddenly the PowerPoint changed to black , rolling clouds and this deep , echoing voice interrupted . We had one microphone set on echo , which was a pretty awesome effect . Every time Satan spoke , black clouds appeared . . The man doing Satan did a wonderful job . It was fun , and the congregation ate it up . Even Daughter commented that she liked it . This morning it hit me that it was probably a little risky bringing Satan into worship , but I certainly didn 't hear any complaints , and did hear lots of compliments . We 've been talking about the plans for these dialogues for months , but I don 't think they truly grasped what I was talking about until today . Many didn 't understand that these would take the place of the sermon . In fact , the man who is becoming Nicodemus next week asked if it would be the sermon again next week . I assured him it would . . Yesterday afternoon I started losing my voice , and this morning woke up with a head full of gunk . I drank hot tea through worship to try to cut the junk coating my vocal cords . Many expressed concern and offered suggestions following the worship service . I suspect that the stress of the past week contributed to this . I 'm definitely going to aim for a slower pace this week . We have a baby being born this week ( scheduled c - section ) , but I 'm going to have to let them know that I won 't be coming to visit as long as I have the crud . They have enough to deal with right now , they don 't need me breathing on them . . Tomorrow morning 3 men are going to invade my home to replace my two toilets . They were discussing plans this morning . The two they are removing will be donated to a local charity . I look forward to having a toilet that I onlyPosted by So today I tackled the garage . I didn 't finish it , but I made good progress . I went to the store and bought two 2 ft by 4 ft tables , another set of shelves , and some bins . I had my resin picnic table under the peg board , and it was so wide I couldn 't reach the items on the peg board , so things didn 't get hung on the peg board . I moved out the picnic table and put the new tables there . I can reach the peg board now . I put the recycling bins and several other bins under the tables . The bins had been in front of the shelves I had in the garage , making it hard to get at the shelves . I still need to organize all the items on the shelves , but there is already more room in the garage and it looks much better . Daughter was disappointed that cleaning the bathroom ( while refusing to do her linens , clean her room , or take care of her dishes ) does not entitle her to all kinds of fun things and have mom wait on her . So , she 's retreated to her room to sleep . She only had 15 hours last night , which apparently wasn 't sufficient . But that 's her problem . I worked in the garage and am delighted with the progress I made . It turned gray and cold , so I started a fire in the fireplace . Daughter just came out and did something new - - she apologized . She 's better at saying she 's sorry than anyone I 've ever met . I keep waiting for those apologies to translate into action . I suggested that taking care of her linens and unloading the dishwasher would be a good start , so she 's pouting again . Her problem , not mine . Posted by So after pouting in her room , Daughter came out to get her pills and insulin . She apologized again . I suggested she show me she was sorry . She informed me she couldn 't do that . She thought she might be able to show me she was sorry by doing some work today . I 'm not going to hold my breath waiting . I have confiscated her computer . If she 's going to pout and sleep , she will need to do that in her bedroom . . I 'm not inclined to prepare food for someone who is not willing to help around the house . Last night she had milk and yogurt for supper . Of course , there 's no way of knowing what she might have eaten through the night . I am going to load my new music onto my ipod and tackle the garage . I never got that completely unpacked and set up before winter hit . It 's not going to be particularly warm today , but it is supposed to be above freezing , so I think that is a good project that will give me a sense of accomplishment and distract me from her drama . I also have some shows I can watch on the DVR , and some books I can read . I 'm not going to let her pull me down or suck me into her drama today . That will frustrate her immensely , of course . . For a wonderful change , everything is all set for tomorrow , so it can truly be a day off today . I 'm going to make the most of it . Posted by I went shopping today . I went to the big mall 11 miles from here . I 've been here almost 6 months , and hadn 't made it there yet . We met at a bookstore at the mall , then left to go to a consignment store , a shoe store , out to lunch , a craft store , a discount store , and then back to the mall to get some chocolate to complete our day . It was spring break . That was good , in that the places we were at near campus were quiet . It was bad , in that the mall was packed . . It was a good , relaxing day . Daughter texted a couple of times that she was sorry . I texted back that we could talk tonight . She wasn 't happy that I didn 't immediately respond that everything was fine . When we talked after she got home , I suggested she make it up by cleaning the bathroom properly . She informed me she couldn 't do that , and went to sleep . I finally told her if she was going to sleep she needed to go into her bedroom . She did . She hasn 't asked for supper . I 'm not sure I can do that properly . It 's her problem , not mine . Posted by So we had some paczki left from Tuesday that I had placed in the freezer . Wednesday night I gave her half of one for dessert after supper . Last night after supper we had some yogurt parfaits she had requested when we were at the grocery store yesterday afternoon . At bedtime , she asked about having paczki . I told her no , explaining that I was trying to get her insulin adjusted , and needed to know exactly how many carbs she was eating , and I had no idea of the carbs in a paczki . She decided to have ginger snaps . Over an hour later I was getting ready for bed and locking up the kitchen . I opened the freezer . The paczki were gone . I stormed into her room , demanding to know where they were . The remains were under her bed . She 'd eaten 2 1 / 2 . That was probably well over 100 grams of carb . It took me a while to go to sleep , I was so angry . How am I supposed to keep her safe when she 's working against me ? How am I ever going to figure out her insulin ? I was in the room when she sneaked those paczki out . Today she 's going to her program , and I 'm going to go shopping and to lunch with Sister Best Friend . I am looking forward to time away from her relaxing . I need it . Posted by We just gave Daughter 's program director a key and an alarm code . That means I don 't have to come into the building on Fridays . That means I don 't have to be here by 7 : 30 in the morning . That means I can leave early if I need to without worrying about finding someone to cover and set the alarm . I hope that the fact that we are making arrangements to make this work long term means that work will move along on their new location and they will be able to move quickly . I hope , but I 'm not going to hold my breath waiting . However long it takes , the stress is now off of me . I may arrange for bus transportation for Daughter on Friday mornings . That would mean I wouldn 't even have to get dressed if I didn 't want to . Tomorrow I 'm going to drop Daughter off at the church at 8 : 30 and then head to the other side of town to meet Sister Best Friend for shopping and lunch . I 'm looking forward to it . Posted by Last night I heard the sad story of another failure by our mental health system . I met with the parents of a young man who committed suicide . He was adopted . The big differences between Daughter and this young man were IQ ( his was very high ) and the fact that he had had access to drugs , and had become addicted . His parents kept things locked up for his safety . He died after successfully cracking open the safe in which they stored their pain medications . As we talked last night it was such a familiar story : Admissions to psych units followed by discharges by psychiatrists claiming that the only problem was the parents . Threats and violence in the home , and a wonderful , cooperative individual in public . Parents who researched and searched for answers and help for their son . A master manipulator who pitted his parents against each other . Parents who were afraid to leave him home alone , not sure he would be safe . Professionals who didn 't cooperate in their treatment of the young man , and worked at cross purposes . Laws that said since he was over 18 , he was an adult and his parents had no rights , even though he lived in their home and they provided for all his needs , including the insurance that paid for his mental health treatment . Judgment from those who think they caused their son 's problems . Disputes over diagnoses : Bipolar ? Borderline ? I could go on , but I won 't . The details aren 't important . I 'll just say there were multiple mistakes made by people in the system . There were multiple missed opportunities . There are multiple possibilities for lawsuits . There won 't be any lawsuits , though . The parents are exhausted . The truly sad part : on some level , they 're relieved . Their living hell has ended . They have been grieving for years . In spite of all he put them through , they were devoted to him and never stopped loving him or seeking help for him . Last night they were so grateful - - because I understood . I have walked down a similar path . The only difference : I don 't know where my journey will end . I hope mine has a difReverend Mom I have an ever growing appreciation for all Administrative Assistant does . Yesterday we agreed to do a funeral dinner for the family of a suicide on Saturday . Today I realized we 'd already scheduled a shower for that day . Today I realized that I hadn 't checked the calendar . When I did , I discovered we 'd already booked the church for a shower that day . I went in and talked to the men who were cleaning , measuring , and returning all the chairs in the sanctuary to their proper positions after yesterday evening 's dinner . We talked , and decided we 'd see about moving either the shower of the funeral dinner upstairs . I went down to talk to the quilters , as the woman who was going to coordinate the meal was there , as well as the woman who had been our contact with the family . They agreed we should try to accommodate both . . I began trying to reach the woman who had scheduled the shower , but kept getting her voice mail . As the quilters were leaving , one of the women suddenly came in and told me she thought she knew where the woman is on Wednesday - - she volunteers for a local organization . I called , and she was there . They had her call me back . She was ready to move the shower to her home . I assured her that wouldn 't be necessary - - we just wanted to know the time and number of guests . They are only expecting 20 - 25 , so she was delighted with the suggestion we move them upstairs to the back of the sanctuary . The small kitchen there will be sufficient for their needs . She kept thanking me . I thanked her for being so flexible and cooperative . . I went and talked to the men who were at work in the sanctuary . They brought tables back upstairs from the basement and set them up for the shower . Then they went downstairs and set the basement up to accommodate 100 people for the funeral dinner . . We also discussed the possibility of providing a key and an alarm code to Daughter 's program manager . The agency finally decided to remediate the mold problem at the new site , so now they have to secure 4 bids . They are just beginning that procesPosted by I 'm struggling right now to figure out how to set limits . I can only work so many hours and do so many things in a week . Right now I 'm pushing those limits . I can keep up this pace short term , when dealing with emergencies , but to do it long term would not be healthy for the church , my relationship with Daughter , or my own health and well - being . Administrative Assistant has this image of my brain throwing off solar flares when I get an idea . Yesterday I had one - - we 're going to focus on spiritual gifts in worship and adult ed come fall , and I realized we should tie the stewardship campaign into that as well . So , I told the finance chair that I needed to talk to her about that at some point . Do I really need to deal with that right now when it 's at least 6 months away ? Probably not . I think it could wait until after Easter . . I was talking to a colleague 's wife last night at the Shrove Tuesday dinner . She is a geriatric counselor , and has done programs for churches training people to visit the elderly . I immediately thought of the training we 're going to schedule to do visitation training in May . I need to sit down and talk to one of the members about the agenda for the next meeting of the board that is handling all of that . . I have a number of challenging pastoral care situations going on right now . Several are very touchy , and it is made more challenging by the fact that I don 't have a long - term relationship with these individuals ( who struggle with mental illness ) . I haven 't had time to establish a relationship of trust with them , which means that I 'm going to have to approach them carefully , and establishing the trust necessary to deal with the situations is going to be time consuming and take patience . I need to make the time to do that , and it needs to be sooner rather than later . I have decided though , that two can wait until next week . There are two situations I have decided need to be addressed this week . . Then there 's Daughter . She 's acting out because I 'm not going to be home this evening . I offered her bReverend Mom Administrative Assistant is on her way to a funeral in another state . Tonight we were hosting several area churches for a Shrove Tuesday dinner . At noon I was hosting my colleagues for a support group . This morning one of the saints came in , obviously shaken . She had just had a phone call about a suicide . The young man was the son of some people who had left the church several years back in the midst of one of the conflicts this church has had . They had adopted him . She didn 't think they were going to any church . She also wanted me to know that there were several families in the church who had lost sons to suicide , and wanted me to know that this would be hard for them . We sat and talked for quite a while . I encouraged her to reach out to the parents . . Daughter made it through the day without calling or texting me . She knew I would be tied up in a meeting this afternoon . Her group drove by a horrific accident that had just happened this afternoon . Apparently it bothered her a great deal , but she didn 't call me or come looking for me . She had an appointment with her therapist . I knew the interstate where the accident had taken place was closed , so I went a different route - - right into the traffic jam that resulted from them moving all the traffic off that interstate . We were late . I called to want her therapist that we were caught in traffic . Daughter " couldn 't stay awake " so was with her less than 30 minutes . . She was frustrated with me , because I bought paczki yesterday for the luncheon today . She wanted one . I locked them in the car last night and in the kitchen today . When she came up from her program , she told me she needed a snack . I informed her she couldn 't have a paczki yet . When we got back from seeing her therapist , she again requested a snack . I offered her some chips . She pouted in my office until I went to tell her dinner was being served . . The saint who had come in this morning to tell me of the suicide came into the dinner with a phone number . The parents of the dead man wanted to talk to me . I calReverend Mom Daughter went back to her program today - - at least for the morning . She " didn 't feel good , " so ended up in my office this afternoon . Now she 's frustrated because I have a meeting tonight and she doesn 't have anything fun here to do . I had planned to go home before the meeting , but decided against it . We went to the grocery store , picked up supper , and came back t0 the church . I pointed out that if she had stayed with her program , she wouldn 't be so bored now . . Administrative Assistant came in this afternoon . The bulletin for Sunday is printed . She set up a vacation notify on her email referring people to me . She took care of financial things ( the treasurer is on vacation , and she 's his back - up ) . I 'm going to see if I can get someone to come into the office tomorrow afternoon . We really need someone in the office while I 'm tied up downstairs with a clergy gathering . There is some filing that can be done . . For some reason I can 't quite remember , I volunteered to provide lunch for the clergy gathering tomorrow . When we get home , I will make sloppy joes for them and set up ham and cheesy potatoes in the crock pot for the dinner tomorrow night . We arranged for someone to open up the church for the final dinner preparations , as I will be tied up taking Daughter to see her therapist . The dinner is for Shrove Tuesday , and several other churches have been invited to join us . It will be interesting to see how many people show up for the dinner - - we set up for 144 , but we have no idea how many will be coming . A number of our members are in Florida right now . I keep threatening to go make some pastoral calls on them . One of the saints volunteered to help with the driving today . . I took time out today to go purchase 2 new toilets . They are sitting in my garage , and will be installed at the convenience of the plumber in the congregation . He will bring another member along to serve as his apprentice . He recommended the type of toilet they have , and thinks it highly unlikely that Daughter will be able to clog it . I hope he is riPosted by Last night I suggested to Daughter that we start getting up and to the church 30 minutes earlier this week , that way we 'll only have to adjust 30 minutes for the time change Sunday . My radio comes on at 5 : 00 in the morning , and then the alarm goes off at 5 : 30 . I got up before the alarm went off , and Daughter was already up , showered , and dressed for the day . She was very happy this morning . She took care of her linens with no prompting from me . When I asked her to put the clean dishes away , she did without complaint . I was delighted . . Then she asked me to do her hair . It was a tangled mess . I don 't think she has been brushing or picking through it . I applied lots of lotion and worked through it with a pick . She screamed and hollered . I didn 't let her see how much hair I threw away . She keeps telling me that she 's almost and can take care of herself . Obviously she hasn 't been taking care of her hair . I will need to monitor more closely in the future . Sigh . Posted by I cancelled my Thursday evening appointments this week because of Daughter 's illness . So I had to figure out another way to accomplish those tasks . The work of one of the appointments was done by email . The couple that I am doing premarital counseling with got rescheduled for this evening ( the wedding is rapidly approaching , and they had some pretty big issues they wanted to address ) . I decided that rather that drag Daughter back to the church while I met with them , I 'd have them come here to the house . I met with them in the living room ( which we seldom use ) . Daughter chose to retreat to the basement to watch her TV . . We went to lunch when I finished at church ( and I had to stay late to finish the work of the other cancelled appointment ) , then when we got home I sat down and she leaned against me and fell asleep . We did some cleaning in the kitchen , and the couple showed up . Daughter was very jealous . She was furious when they left . She was suffering and needed to go to the doctor immediately . But she wouldn 't tell me why . I told her I wouldn 't take her if I didn 't know what was wrong . Her back and stomach were bothering her . I offered her the meds they prescribed for those issues in the ER the other night . She didn 't want those . Those wouldn 't work . She screamed and hollered . It 's Sunday , and I 'm exhausted . It 's been a long day . I have a headache . . I told her I realized she wasn 't happy about them coming to the house . She shouted some more . I explained to her why I had to meet with them tonight and why I had them come to the house . She shouted that I shouldn 't change plans because of her . I told her I was sorry if she didn 't like the way I 'd handled things , but I had made the plans with her in mind . Eventually she apologized . Sat next to me on the couch , and wrapped herself around my arm . . I honestly don 't know if she 's feeling better or not . I know she 's still tired , but is she really having back ( kidney ) pain and stomach issues ? I don 't think those are real . I think she knows those are symptoms of her illnessReverend Mom I headed out to church this morning , and when I tried to stop at the first signal light , I discovered the roads were a solid sheet of ice . Attendance was down , but everyone who made it came in with a story to tell . One couple passed 2 cars in the ditch on their road . I 'm glad they didn 't stop ( they did see that the drivers were okay and on cell phones ) , as they are an elderly couple who were more likely to hurt themselves than help the people in the other vehicles . . Daughter 's blood sugar is slowly coming down . She 's grouchy today . She says she doesn 't know how she feels . She 's slept with head in my lap since we got home from church . Administrative Assistant will be leaving the state for a funeral this week . She doesn 't know yet when the service will be or how long she will be gone . While Daughter slept , I finished getting the bulletin ready for next Sunday . I have a couple coming here to the house for pre - marital counseling this evening . Daughter is not happy about that . I thought it was better than dragging her back to the church this evening . I was supposed to see them Thursday evening , but cancelled because of Daughter 's illness . . The plan is for her to return to her program tomorrow . I think I 'm going to tell them that if she 's too tired after the morning , they can send her up to sleep in my office in the afternoon . She had a fever again yesterday evening . I may need to call the doctor 's office tomorrow . This is taking much longer than either of us anticipated . Of course , she may be feeling fine and just playing the sympathy card at this point . It is a challenge , figuring out what is going on with her . . I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday ! So I 'm back to trying to figure out if Daughter is trying to get out of work or really doesn 't feel good . I guess we 're back to normal . I 've told her that I will take her to a movie tomorrow if we get some work done around here tomorrow . She 's done some , but not much . I guess I 'll save some money . Daughter is definitely feeling much better today . I 've been doing some cooking , and she 's been staying in the kitchen with me , doing some cleaning ( very slowly ) . She 's not moving quickly , but the fact that she 's moving and not sleeping is major progress ! Right now she 's walking the mall with the saint who takes her walking on Saturday 's . It 's too icy to walk outside today . We were getting rain , but now it has shifted to snow . I am so ready for spring . We are currently under 5 weather alerts - - 4 related to flooding and one related to the snow and icing . . I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by all I need to accomplish . I chose to do some cooking today because it is restoring for me . Much of ministry is never ending . With cooking , there is a beginning , and end , and a product to show for it . So , I 'm cooking some chicken in broth . Part of it will be shredded and frozen for a meal I 'm preparing for guests in 2 weeks . Part of it will become cream chicken and rice for the freezer . I have some other chicken cooking in fajita marinade . It will be frozen in small packages for fajitas , quesadillas , and tacos . I bought a big family pack of chicken at the store the other day , and this morning decided I wanted to cook it before freezing it . I also used my meal saver to freeze small packages of shredded cheese from the 5 lb bag I bought at the warehouse store a couple of weeks ago . . At some point today , I need to sit down and figure out a sermon for tomorrow . I did get my part of the dialogue for the 13th started and sent off to my partner yesterday . Lent is going to be a great deal of work , but I 'm excited about the plans we are making . Daughter 's improving health and the excitement about Lent have given me some energy for today . I 'm grateful . Posted by Last night I thought Daughter would be back in the hospital today . She was dehydrated and sleeping , and I was battling to get her to drink anything . This morning she woke up hungry and thirsty and obviously feeling better . I took her to see the nurse practitioner , and her urine is much better . Blood sugar still high , but temperature is down . Still struggling with some constipation , but we have a plan . We 're also taking the necessary steps to get her medication costs down . . I realized somewhere along the line that Daughter probably doesn 't recognize when she 's really sick . She has always complained of being sick to get attention , and she has always denied it when she really is sick . I remember the first ( and only other ) time she had a kidney infection . She was 9 . Her teacher called and told me I needed to come get Daughter . They thought she had a UTI . She was insisting she was fine , but was obviously sick . She was furious when I went to pick her up , arguing that she was fine as she stopped to rest several times on the way to the car and threw up once or twice . . When she 's healthy , she 'll say she 's too sick or too tired to do something , but when she 's sick , she claims she can do more than she can . Yesterday she was mad when I told her to go rest . Yet as soon as she sat down , she fell asleep . She was crying after walking across the parking lot to her appointment with the psychiatrist , but unhappy when I told her to wait at the door and I 'd get the car and pick her up following it . I 'm going to have to be even more observant to figure out when she really is sick . . It 's not easy being Daughter - - or her Mom . Posted by Yesterday I became suspicious that perhaps Daughter really did have a UTI . She 'd first complained Saturday , but my drugstore test was negative for UTI 's that day . I began pushing fluid and giving her additional cranberry . She wasn 't happy , but I thought better safe than sorry . . Then it became clear that she was severely constipated . I attributed the high blood sugars and back pain to the constipation . Then the constipation cleared . Yesterday morning she told me I needed to talk to staff and tell them to make her do yoga , because she 'd pretend she wasn 't feeling good so she could sleep through yoga . By yesterday evening , though , I could tell the back pain was real . Her blood sugars were still sky high . She had no appetite ( unheard of ) . So I retested her urine . The result was the maximum for leukocytes . I took her to urgent care . The doctor there freaked out when he looked at her urine results . He sent us straight to the ER . . They didn 't freak out about the ketones and high blood sugars , because she 's a diabetic with a massive kidney infection . They did consider admitting her , and finally settled for giving her IV fluids and antibiotics . She 's to drink lots of fluids and do nothing for the next couple of days . It was almost 1 : 00 when we got home , 7 hours after I took her to urgent care . At 4 : 00 she came and asked to get in bed with me . She was shivering so badly her teeth were chattering . I made her go to the bathroom , and then let her get in bed with me . I suspect the tylenol had worn off and the fever was back . . I had the presence of mind to call Administrative Assistant on the way to the ER , so she arranged for someone to open up the church for Daughter 's program this morning . I slept in , and Daughter is still in bed . I have prescriptions for pain pills , anti - nausea meds , and antibiotics . She needs another antibiotic tonight . I need to call the family doctor and make an appointment . She has an appointment with a new psychiatrist this afternoon . It took 4 months to get this appointment . I want to keep it . . We may gReverend Mom Warning : not a post for those with weak stomachs . . Last night I posted that Daughter had really been constipated . She had been having diarrhea around a large chunk . Yesterday evening , after much straining and misery , she got the large chunk out . When I went into the bathroom last night , I discovered that her large chunk had clogged the toilet . It would still flush , but it would drain quite slowly . This isn 't the first time this has happened , so I 'm an expert plunger . I plunged repeatedly last night , but couldn 't get the clog to clear . . I also know , from experience , that if I let it sit a while , the chunk soaks up some moisture , becomes softer , and clears more easily . Leaving the plunger in the toilet so that neither of us would use it until it was clear , I went to bed . I got up at 5 : 30 this morning and flushed the toilet to see if it had cleared . It hadn 't . I began plunging again , and discovered that my plunging last night had had an impact . It had compacted the clog into cement , and water could no longer flow around it . The toilet began to overflow . I grabbed the lid off the tank and stuck two hands in to hold the flapper down and the shut - off up to stop the flow of water . I stood , there pondering my next step , when I remembered there should be a shut - off valve under the tank . I called Daughter . She answered with her standard , " Okay , I 'm moving . " . " No , right now ! I need help ! " . That actually got her moving . . " There 's a knob under the toilet I need you to turn off . " . She reached her hand into the tank . . " No , UNDER ! " . She touched the bottom of the tank . . " NO , get down and look under the tank and find the knob ! " . She got down and looked under , " This thing on the wall ? " . " Yes , turn it . " . She managed to stop the flow of water so I could let go of things and step away . I grabbed towels to soak up the lake we now had on the bathroom floor . " Go get a bucket . " She scurried off and I grabbed the microfiber cloths I use for cleaning , spreading them around the floor . . When she returned with the bucket , I told her she needed to get dowReverend Mom Well , it seems that Daughter really was suffering from fairly severe constipation . I won 't go into the gory details , but she seems to have found some relief tonight , and it sure has changed her disposition . She wanted me to go in with her to see her therapist . She wanted me to tell her what I 'd told Daughter in the car this morning , so I did . This evening she is acknowledging that she caused herself much suffering by allowing herself to become so constipated . She started to blame birth mom , and I pointed out this was her choice . She said , " I know I did it to myself , it 's just that sometimes I 'd rather blame other people for my problems . " . I had a busy , crazy day in the office today . We got lots done , but there 's still much to get done this week . I came home and answered some emails . Tiny Village didn 't use email much . Overall , I love the convenience of being able to communicate by email . It does mean , though , that anytime I check my inbox there is work waiting for me . . We 're getting a few things done around here this evening , but I 'm very tired , so I think I 'll head to bed early this evening . Posted by So after being so awful Sunday , Daughter spent yesterday testing to see if I was still paying attention to her . She complained of constipation . I reminded her she needed to drink , and told her she could have her clear lax when we got home . She got a different staff member to bring her upstairs 20 minutes later because the constipation was getting worst . I 'd asked if she 'd had anything to drink since she 'd been up the last time . She hadn 't had anything since her milk with breakfast ( it was after 1 : 00 ) . I told her to I was sorry she 'd done this to herself , but I didn 't have to jump because she wasn 't taking care of herself , and to get back downstairs and drink some water . . She was supposed to go stay with a member while I was at a meeting last night , but the woman got sick , so she had to come with me . She hadn 't been able to get her computer to play DVD 's , so I figured out the problem so she could watch DVD 's while I was in the meeting . So she wet herself during the meeting , and then started texting me that she needed to leave now and I needed to take her to the doctor . At the first text the board asked , " Daughter ? " I 'm impressed with the way they comprehend the challenges she presents . . This morning she got up when I told her to and got in the shower . She got out and came out and told me she didn 't feel good . I told her I was sorry she didn 't feel good and to go get dressed . When I didn 't come to check on her , she came into the kitchen , told me she couldn 't get dressed , and then went and laid down on the floor of the half bath off the kitchen . So it continued . . As we were driving to the church I explained several things to her : She might really be sick , but she 'd lied to me about being sick so many times to get attention , I didn 't believe her . Her attempts to engage me by making herself sick were pushing me further away . I had set aside all Sunday afternoon and evening to do things with her , and she chose to sleep instead . Her current strategy isn 't working . If she wants my attention , she 'd be better off being cooperatiPosted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Non consensual disciplinary spanking of a child by a parent , and by a parental figure . Mission Parameters Ten year old John Connor sat on the hood of a car trying to wrap his head around all the new information he had learned in the past three hours . It wasn 't an easy thing to do . He had been trained his whole life to believe in Terminators , and up until six months ago he had believed it . But after his mother had been arrested , he had been sent to live with foster parents , and he had been sent to a regular school . Then he believed that his whole life 's training had been in reality the ramblings of a crazy person , and he had hated his mother for all of it . Now he was forced to believe that his mother wasn 't crazy . And if she wasn 't crazy , then it was all real . If it was all real , then he would be the greatest military leader of his time . The Terminator listened to John rambling on about things while scanning the area for potential dangers . John ended his speech by saying , " No one believed her . Not even me . Listen , we 've gotta get her out of there . " The Terminator grabbed John 's shirt to hold him in place . John yelled , " What the hell ? Get off me you Psycho ! What 's your problem ? " John looked around and saw a couple of men working on a truck not too far away . He yelled , " Help ! Hey , Help ! This guy is trying to kidnap me ! Help ! " John gave the guy an unpleasant smile and said , " Dipshit ? " John looked over at ' his ' Terminator and saw he was still holding his leg in the air . John quickly whispered , " Put your leg down . " And then turned to the man and said with an even bigger smile , " Did you just call moi a dipshit ? " The Terminator grabbed the guy by the hair and lifted him off the ground . The guy yelled , and his friend came back to help get him away . The Terminator tossed the one guy away , and grabbed the other guy 's arm and broke it . He pushed the second guy against the car John had just been sitting on , pulled out his pistol , and aimed it for the guy 's head . John saw the gun and yelled , " No ! " and shoved at the Terminator 's arm . John took a deep breath and said , " Listen to me very carefully okay ? You 're not a Terminator anymore . You got that ? You can 't just go around killing people . " " Because you just can 't okay . Trust me on this . " John handed the Terminator back his gun , and the Terminator put it in the back of his pants . John wasn 't sure it would work , but he had to try . He said , " Look , I 'm going to get my mom , and I order you to help . " The adrenaline stopped pumping through John 's veins as they got further and further away from the T1000 and the mental institution . John and the Terminator had gotten Sarah Connor out of the asylum / prison , but the T1000 had been there as well , and the three of them had just barely gotten away from him . The Terminator had been shot multiple times , and Sarah had a wound on her right shoulder . They had stolen a police car , and the Terminator was driving with Sarah in the passenger seat and John in the back . Once they got far enough away , that they were sure the T1000 wasn 't going to catch up , Sarah turned around to look at John and asked , " Are you alright ? " John smiled and went to give her a hug . He hugged her tight while closing his eyes , remembering how good it felt to be with her . Then he felt her hands searching his body for injuries . As soon as he realized what she was doing he felt slightly betrayed . He had wanted a hug and affection , not a clinical once over to make sure he was physically okay . He said with irritation , " I said I was okay . " Sarah gave John a look that clearly showed disappointment , and anger . " John it was stupid of you to go there . God damn it , you have to be smarter then that ! You almost got yourself killed ! What were you thinking ? You can not risk yourself even for me . Do you understand ? You 're too important . Do you understand ? " She gave him a little shake to emphasize how serious she was . John didn 't understand . He didn 't understand why she couldn 't just be happy to see him the way he was happy to see her . He didn 't understand why she was obsessed with keeping him alive and well , but didn 't seem to give a crap about his happiness . He shook his head , on the verge of tears that this was the reunion he was getting after six months , and said in a whisper , " But I had to get you out of that place . " Sarah didn 't know how to make it any clearer to him . She said with anger , " I didn 't need your help . I can take car of myself . I was half way out of there when you came , and if you hadn 't barged in , I probably would have escaped without ever coming in contact with that other Terminator . " John felt the tears fall . He knew she wanted him safe . He knew she wanted him to be smart and learn all there was to learn about wars and leadership . And now he was pretty sure he knew that she really didn 't love him as a person only as a future idea . arah said , " After we stop and get cleaned up , you 're gonna get it for this stunt . " John sat back , crossed his arms , and let himself cry while looking out the window . He thought to himself , ' Sure . Great . Spank me for saving your life . Show me how to turn my emotions off just like you , because leaders can 't think with their emotions , they have to think with their heads . You 've heard it a million times John , you should have known nothing would change . That she wouldn 't miss you the way you missed her . ' The Terminator was done , and he and Sarah traded places . Sarah used some pliers to pull all the bullets out of the Terminator . As she was pulling them out John asked , " Does it hurt when you get shot ? " The Terminator said , " Yes . You would have to cut into the skin on my head , and I could give you instructions on removing the chip and resetting the switch . But while the chip is out , I would be completely nonfunctional , so you would be left unprotected . " Sarah suddenly liked the idea , and was glad she hadn 't put up too much of a protest yet . John smiled and said , " I want you to be able to learn as we go . Let 's do it . " The Terminator told Sarah what to do , and she followed his instructions to get the chip out of his head . Once she had it in her hands , the Terminator sat completely still and quiet . John raised one of the Terminator 's arms , and it just stayed in the position he had put it in . As John was looking at the Terminator , Sarah was grasping the chip and looking around the room for something good and heavy to smash the chip with . She saw a small hammer and figured it would have to do . She put the chip down on a metal table , and heard John ask , " Do you see the pin switch ? " John conceded , " Okay , it . But we need it . " Sarah couldn 't believe her son was saying this . " Listen to me . You listen . We are better off on our own . " Sarah thought about that for a second and looked over at the Terminator herself . She knew John was right about that , and she had just spent six months in a mental institution because she had no proof of what she had seen . Here was her proof . She could show all those people who had told her she was crazy that she really wasn 't . But that would mean letting ' it ' live when she had the means to kill it right in front of her . She said , " Maybe , but I don 't trust it . " Sarah snapped her attention back to her son . Did he just say that horrible killing machine was his friend ? She leaned down and said intently , " You don 't know what it 's like to try and kill one of these things , and if something goes wrong this could be our last chance so MOVE ! " John could tell he had said the wrong thing , and he got frustrated . He let some of his long held anger at his mother come out . " Look Mom if I 'm ever supposed to be this great military leader , maybe you should start listening to my leadership ideas once in a while ! Because if my own mother won 't , how do you expect anyone else to ? " He could tell his yelling at her and his words had affected her . She was looking at him with shock . He took his hand off the chip , and backed away a step letting her make the final choice , hoping she would see things his way . She looked at the chip and brought her hammer down as hard as she could with a yell , and smashed the table beside the chip to get out some anger . She looked at John , and he looked back at her , both trying to understand the other , and at the same time trying to see what this meant to their relationship . She said , " Fine . Have it your way . " Sarah had already finished patching up all the Terminator 's bullet holes , so the Terminator stood up and put his shirt back on . He looked at John and said , " It would be best to stay here for the rest of the night . The T1000 will be expecting us to stay on the move , and will pass right by us if he comes this way . " Sarah watched him stand there for a few seconds and then looked down at her son . John knew that look and took a step back . She said , " How many times have I told you about the future ? " John knew what was coming , and hated her for it . He thought maybe since she had listened to him about the Terminator that meant she would be seeing him as more of an adult and as the leader he was destined to be . He was upset that she still planned to spank him and his mouth got the better of him , " I don 't know , like a bazillion . " Sarah just stared at him in shock for a second . She knew it had been six months , but he had never been so blatantly disrespectful to her before . She grabbed his upper arm and said , " A bazillion ? " John could remember it all by heart , and used to love it when she told him the story . But after six months of living with the foster parents from hell , his mouth had turned fairly obscene , and his tone had turned belligerent . He glared at his mother and said , " A bazillion and one maybe ? " She leaned down in his personal space , and the grip on his arm got almost painful . " After seeing living proof that everything I 've ever told you was the honest truth , the first thing you decided to do was put yourself in harms way . You knew it was wrong . Why did you do it ? " He felt tears in his eyes again and he wanted to shout , ' Because I love you , and I wanted to make sure you were safe ! ' but he knew that wouldn 't matter to his mother . And it wouldn 't stop what she was about to do . He glared at her and said with quiet hate , " Because unlike you , me in the future trusted my judgement enough to give me a Terminator , and I decided you were a priority . " Sarah shook her head and led him over to the stool she had been sitting on when the Terminator patched her up . She sat and pulled John over her lap . He yelled out , " Nooo ! " even though he had been expecting it . She brought down her hands two more times , and then found her arm caught in mid swing . The Terminator was there beside her holding her arm . His grip was firm but not crushing . He used his free hand to haul John up by grabbing a fist full of shirt and jacket . Once John was standing , the Terminator said to Sarah , " You will stop . " John cursed under his breath , hating himself in the future . Sarah was pleased with this new information and nodded . She thought for a second , and then tried to explain things to the Terminator . " John isn 't in any physical danger when I spank him . Some physical discomfort sure , but no danger . " Sarah turned to the Terminator and decided to see if the chip was now letting him learn . She said , " Spanking John for doing something wrong is a way to protect him from immediate physical danger . If he had known I was going to spank him for coming to get me , he wouldn 't have done it . He would have let you keep him safe . If I spank him now , then the next time he wants to risk his life for me , he won 't do it . If you don 't let me spank him , then he will continue to put himself in danger to save me . Do you understand what I 'm telling you ? I won 't do him any real damage , by tomorrow morning any lingering effects will be gone . " The Terminator looked back and forth between John and Sarah for a few seconds while his memory banks referenced his dictionary and encyclopedia for the word spank . The Terminator finally looked at Sarah and said , " Continue . " before walking back to the window to keep a look out . Sarah had him back over her knee and was swatting him hard and fast . John was stoic for about three seconds , and then started pleading , " Mom . om come on , I 'm sorry okay ! om ! " Sarah ignored him and continued spanking . He struggled for a second , but very soon gave in to sobs when his struggles didn 't help . When she heard him and felt him crying she gave him three more swats , and then stopped . She immediately stood him back up and held him at arms length with her hands on his shoulders . " You don 't put yourself in danger for me John . Do you hear me ? " John just nodded through his tears and the second she let go of him , he dove in for a hug and clung to her , feeling miserable and wanting any affection she was willing to give . Sarah sighed and hugged him back , hoping to God that he had gotten the message . A few minutes later John 's crying was down to sniffles and Sarah let him go . She looked around in the car and found some napkins . She handed them to him , and he took them and blew his nose a couple of times . Once he was done she said , " Lie down in the back of the car and get some sleep . " John nodded and lay down thinking about how unfair it all was . He wasn 't going to tell her , but he really wasn 't sorry he had gone to get her , and he would do the same thing again , no matter what , because she was the only family he had . He saw no point in saving humanity if there was no one he loved to save humanity for . Sarah stayed up through the night not trusting the Terminator , and watching over her son . The next morning when John woke up , he stretched and remembered where he was . He sat up , and realized his mom had been telling the Terminator the truth , his butt felt normal . He saw that both his mother and the Terminator were awake . He said , " What now ? " The Terminator just looked at him and then back at the road . John sighed and said , " You sound like such a loser when you say ' spanking ' . Say something like ' You got whacked pretty good last night , how are you feeling this morning ' . " " Whacked ? " Soon they got into a conversation about other phrases that John thought the Terminator needed to work on . Later that day , after a stop for gas and food , Sarah woke up and asked for all the information the Terminator had on how SkyNet came to be . He told her the man mostly responsible for it 's creation was a Miles Dyson , and they spent a large part of the afternoon talking about him . * * * * * * * * * * * * A day of driving later they made it to a run down area that was the last known location for Sarah 's friend ' Enrique ' . They found him and his family , and asked for supplies and money . They needed a truck , but the only one Enrique had needed work . He asked if they had time to fix it and Sarah said they did . The Terminator and John first gathered up weapons from the hidden bunker underground , and then worked on the truck together . As they worked they talked . As they were gathering guns John asked , " Are you ever afraid ? " Later as they worked on the truck John said , " Most of the guys my mom hung around with were geeks . One guy was cool though , he taught me engines . Mom would always screw it up of course . She 'd tell him about judgement day and me being this world leader , and that would be all she wrote . " " I guess . When I 'm like 45 I think . I send him back in time to 1984 . Man , he hasn 't even been born yet . It messes with your head . " John looked over at his mother who was cleaning some guns . He said , " Mom and he were only together for one night . She still loves him I guess . I see her crying sometimes . She denies it totally of course , like she got something stuck in her eye . " From a few feet away Sarah watched them as John tried to teach the Terminator how to give someone a high five . She thought , ' It 's all suddenly so clear . The Terminator will never stop , it will never leave him , and it will never hurt him . It will never shout at him , or get drunk and hit him , or say it 's too busy to spend time with him . It will always be there , and it will die to protect him . Of all the would be fathers who have come and gone , this thing . his machine is the only one who measures up . ' She knew they were almost ready to go , and she lay her head down to rest for just a few seconds before they left . She woke up with a start after having had the same dream again . The one she had again and again . The dream of a nuclear explosion killing her , and everyone around her . The first thing she saw when she woke up was what she herself had carved into the picnic table . The words ' No fate ' stared back at her , and she just couldn 't take it . She now knew everything that the Terminator knew about how it all started , and she knew she had to stop Miles Dyson before he had a chance to destroy the world . She jammed her knife into the table and went to find Enrique . She explained what she was doing to him , and then went to find the Terminator . She gave John a bogus errand to run , and then said , " Take John over the boarder and wait for me at the location Enrique gives you for three days . If I 'm not there by then , assume I 'm dead and protect John from the T1000 . " The Terminator nodded in understanding . Sarah headed to the car they had stolen and were planning to ditch . As she got in to drive away John came back from his errand and said , " Mom ? " John felt betrayed and lost at the same time . It wasn 't exactly out of character for his mother to wander off like this and leave him behind , but he had always hated it . He went over to the table where she had been sitting and saw the words she had carved into the table . He motioned the Terminator over too him and said , " Look at this ! No fate . ' There 's no fate but what you make . ' It 's something I make my father memorize in the future so he could tell my mom . " Suddenly it all became clear to John . He knew exactly what his mother was planning to do . He said , " Shit ! She 's gonna kill him . " John could tell he wasn 't going to be able to change the Terminator 's mind about this , so he decided deception would be in order . He nodded and said , " Yeah , you 're right . She really wouldn 't want me to go after her . . " The Terminator handed John the keys and went to go get the guns . When the Terminator was in the gun bunker he heard the truck 's tires spinning as John drove it away . The Terminator dropped his guns and ran out to see what was going on . He knew he couldn 't chase John on foot and saw Enrique standing there looking upset . The Terminator said , " Do you have any other vehicles ? " The mobile home was empty , so he started it up and drove it in the direction John took off in . John had to half stand , half lean against the edge of the truck seat to reach the peddles , and still see over the dash , but he had been driving various vehicles since he was six and knew what he was doing . He was driving as fast as the truck would go which wasn 't all that fast at seventy miles an hour . The highway was mostly deserted . He wouldn 't get to the main highway for half an hour . As he drove , he thought about his mother and Miles Dyson , what he could do to stop her . Ten minutes after leaving Enrique 's John saw something in his rear view mirror . It was still pretty far away , but John felt the hair on the back of his neck going up when he thought that maybe his Terminator was coming after him . He muttered , " Shit ! " He looked in the rear view mirror every few seconds , and could tell the mobile home was gaining on him . He knew he couldn 't out run it in this truck , but he wanted to get as close to his mother as he could , so he kept going . He knew the Terminator wouldn 't run him off the road , because that would put him in direct physical danger . Soon the Terminator was right on his bumper . John looked at him in his rear view mirror and gave him a little wave . The Terminator gave him a motion that clearly meant pull over to the side , but John ignored that . Ten minutes later John heard the truck sputter . He looked down and realized it was almost out of gas . He had forgotten that the first stop they were planning on was a gas station . He sighed and pulled the truck over , watching the mobile home pull over along behind him . He sat in the truck and tried to come up with logical reasons why they should go after his mom while the Terminator got out of the mobile home . The Terminator walked to the driver 's door of the truck , opened it up , and hauled John out by the back of his shirt and jacket . The Terminator put a foot on the floor of the truck 's cab , and put John face down over his leg . Before John had time to do much besides yell , " Hey ! " he felt the first swat on the seat of his jeans . John felt two more swats that were much heavier then the ones his mother had given him . His eyes had started to tear up just from pain after those three swats . He yelled , " Stop ! I order you to stop ! " The Terminator paused for a second thinking over all he had learned since he had been in this time , and then brought his hand down ten more times . John was hollering and kicking his legs by the time it was done . The Terminator stopped and set John down on his feet . John put both his hands back and rubbed at his butt while tears ran down his face . The Terminator did what he had seen Sarah do , and put both his hands on John 's shoulders and said , " You don 't run from me . Do you understand ? " John nodded and was able to get out a " Yes . " through his crying . The Terminator put one arm around John 's shoulders and pulled him towards his chest into a one armed hug . John understood that the Terminator was a machine and not capable of feelings . He understood the Terminator was only imitating his mother 's way of keeping him safe . He understood that it wasn 't really his friend or any kind of father figure . But in the moment it didn 't matter , because it felt human enough , and John hugged him back as hard as he could . When John was down to sniffles the Terminator let him go and said , " We need to go back to Enrique 's . " John wiped at his face with the sleeve of his jacket and tried to get his emotions under control . He shook his head and said , " No . We need to talk first . Come on . " The Terminator sat on the little couch and looked at John . John tried to gather his thoughts , but it was hard with his emotions all out of whack . " Okay , you 're right . I shouldn 't have run off like that . It was a bad idea and I won 't do it again . But I was worried that you wouldn 't understand why we have to go stop my mom . " The Terminator said , " Your mother doesn 't want you to stop her . She already whacked you for it once . It is highly likely she will do it again if you try to stop her . " " I don 't care . Haven 't you learned anything yet ? Haven 't you figured out why you can 't kill people ? Look , maybe you don 't care if you live or die , but everyone 's not like that . We have feelings , we hurt , we 're afraid . You gotta learn this stuff , I 'm not kidding it 's important . If she kills Dyson , she 'll never be able to forget it or forgive herself . " John shook his head and said , " And it might not ! Didn 't anyone stop to think that he works for a huge company , and his research is all on file ? Killing Dyson will delay the war , and nothing else . We need to be smarter then that . We need to use him . We need to get him on our side . Mom is right , about fate . We can change things , the question is ; are we gonna change them for the better or not . " The Terminator broke the lock on the door and opened it . John ran in and went directly to his mother who was crouched down against a wall and he ordered the Terminator to check on Dyson and his family . John crouched down next to his mother and could tell that she was traumatized by what she had almost done . He said , " Look at me mom . Are you hurt ? Look at me . " John nodded knowing what she almost had done , and thanking God that she hadn 't . He pulled her into a hug and used a soft gentle voice and said , " It 'll be okay , it 'll all be okay . We 'll figure something out okay ? I promise . " In that moment Sarah saw the man he would be . She saw the man she had trained him to be . She couldn 't stop her emotions and said fiercely , " I love you John . I always have . " After a few seconds John let go and stood up . He held out a hand and helped his mother stand too . John looked at his mom with a smile and said , " I have a plan . We 're all gonna change the future together . " |
Contributor : Jake A . Strife - - I 'm on my psychiatrist 's couch . He looks at me , tapping his fork on his plate . He always seems to be eating breakfast when I come in on Friday mornings . Normally he would eat a bacon , egg and cheese sandwich . Today , I can smell sausage . I can 't help but wonder why , as he leads the guided meditation . " You are going deep within my friend . Look inside your soul . You see your father . He abused you , did he not ? This was no different . This is where the injury on your arm came from . " Why is he telling me this ? I expect him to be telling me something more positive . Before I can wonder further I am standing before a dark tower . It doesn 't make sense . I can 't hear his dry , raspy voice anymore . A prank . It has to be a prank . We have done guided meditation before , but never once has he brought me to a place like this . Lightning flashes overhead and a downpour begins . I can feel the cold rain stinging my bare arms . I am not dressed for stormy weather . The only place for shelter is the large wooden door of the tower . I run and yank it open . Inside torches light the hollow center and an old stone staircase spirals up toward the top . I take a step forward and my foot crunches down onto something . I jerk back and stare down at a long bleach white bone . Dread fills me and I stumble backward into a bookcase . Books fall to the floor , flapping open . The feeling of dread multiplies . I have damaged a book . The tower shakes with thundering footfalls . It is coming for me . Once again , it is coming for me . I turn and try to pull the wooden door open again , but it is locked . Then in a flash of bright light it is before me . The eight foot tall alligator girl with the sagging flesh , and the gouged out eyes . A clawed hand lashes out and I feel the same sudden numbness in my arm . I look down and a chunk is missing , just like before . I scream , and hear myself from far away . Contributor : Jenne Lee - - The sun was just peaking over the horizon of the Baltic Sea , glistening off the necklace Anna wore around her neck as her and Paul stepped out from the dark alley . The early morning breeze had the Swedish fishermen bundled up in winter clothing , yet the pair was dressed in thin material with bare arms revealing their pale grayish skin as they walked in the direction of the sea . Anna 's large dark eyes shifted from person to person as they hurried down the dock , her high heeled boots clanking against the wood . All eyes were on them as her brittle fingers pushed an errant strand of wig hair out of her face . The annoying material aggravated her , but removing it would only cause more suspicion . She smiled at the fishermen while her free hand clutched a charm that hung from the gold chain . Paul tugged on her arm forcing her to lean down toward the short slender man . " Stop fidgeting , " he said . " But the humans are staring . They know we are different . " " Mr . and Mrs . Avari , " said the man . He was dressed in warm clothing , his round face hidden by a pale beard . " I was afraid you weren 't going to make it . " " I 'm sorry for our tardiness , " Anna replied . It was obvious that English was not her first language . " Our flight was , delayed . I 'm Anna and this is my husband , Paul . " The captain held out his hand . " Odin , " he said . He gave the two a once over , noticing their choice of clothing . " Are you going to be warm enough ? It gets a bit chilly down there . " " We 'll be fine , " Paul said . He spoke slower than his wife and in a thicker accent that was more difficult to understand . " That 's a lovely accent you have . Where did you say you were from again ? " Anna stared at the tiny contraption while her fingers tangled in the small charm around her neck . The vessel was smaller than other ships she had traveled in . The material looked weak . The craftsmanship seemed amateur . The portholes appeared to be too thin . Humans had built it after all . " Everything alright , Anna ? " Odin asked . She replied , " Are those windows strong enough to withstand the pressure ? " Odin nodded . " Of course . Please don 't be afraid . I 've done this many times , Anna . You 're in good hands . " Anna smiled and allowed him to help her into the vessel . As she climbed down the ladder , she looked around in amazement . It was much larger on the inside . There were several seats lined up along the many portholes . She took a seat gazing through the thick glass tinted blue by the sea . A school of fish swam by in a swirl of color . She smiled at Paul who took a seat beside her . She pointed out a particularly bright yellow fish . Paul grunted , but showed no emotion as he sat back crossing his arms over his chest . Odin sealed the hatch and climbed down the ladder . He asked , " Are you two treasure hunters ? Adventure seekers ? UFO enthusiast ? " " Always curious about the people who pay for a private tour of the shipwrecks , " Odin replied . He noticed her necklace . " That symbol . I 've seen it before . " Odin opened up a cabinet overhead and took out a book . " It looks like an Egyptian hieroglyph , " he said . He flipped through the pages to show her a black and white photo of symbols that resembled her charm . To anyone else they would look like gibberish , but to Anna they were like reading a piece of history . She bit her lip as her eyes scanned the ancient symbols . " In fact , " Odin continued , " I 've seen these same symbols on the mystery shipwreck that everyone 's calling a UFO . You two are UFO enthusiasts aren 't you ? " Anna 's hand reached for the charm again , but Paul 's hand stopped her . " Yes we are , " said Paul . " We like UFOs . You take us to see underwater UFO ? " Odin 's eyes lit up with excitement . He jumped into his captain 's seat and fired up the submarine . Its engine purred to life as bubbles blanketed the windows . Time passed as Anna stared in wonder at the unknown world hidden beneath the alien planet . It was far more beautiful than the surface world and untouched by human hands . She felt as if she were traveling home through space , only the stars were these remarkable creatures she had never seen before . Tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled the real reason her and Paul were making this journey . Anna 's eyes widen as Odin directed the floodlights towards a massive object that loomed in the distance . With a slight jerk , the engines cut off and the vessel came to a slow stop a few feet from the object . Anna clutched her necklace tighter to her chest , pressing her nose to the glass while Paul sat staring in awe at the sunken craft . Odin smirked . His eyes traveled from the craft to Anna , the golden charm glimmering from the few lights overhead . " That symbol , " he said pointing to the charm . " It 's the same as the one on the craft . " Anna closed her eyes unable to hide the truth any longer . " It 's the name of the ship , " she answered . " It was my son 's . This is his grave . " Contributor : Donal Mahoney - - In 1948 Booger McNulty 's coal yard stirred constant gossip among the citizens who lived in the little bungalows on the narrow blocks in my far corner of Chicago . That was more than 60 years ago , a time when families took Sunday walks and went back home in time to hear Jack Benny on the radio . A Sunday walk didn 't cost a cent , a price my parents could afford . Back then , every kid in the neighborhood wanted to climb that fence and look around . But Booger didn 't tolerate visitors . According to the boy whose buttocks caught a chunk of coal from Booger 's slingshot , there was nothing on the other side of that tall fence except for pigeons and a lot of coal . In the bungalows surrounding Booger 's place , immigrants from everywhere slept off beer and garlic when they weren 't working , which was pretty often , according to my mother . My father always worked , digging graves with the other men , most of them , like him , from Ireland . He dug graves because in his previous profession some big Bulgarian broke his nose , after which my mother ruled no more boxing . He 'd been undefeated until then . I was ten in 1948 and I 'd climb Booger 's fence whenever I was certain he was gone for the night . Once inside the yard I 'd climb the piles of coal until I got tired and then I 'd go home and take a bath before my father saw me . My mother never let my father see me cloaked in the soot of Booger 's coal and she always made me promise never to go back to Booger 's again . But on Easter Sunday in 1948 , I went over Booger 's fence a final time . My mother had taken pains that morning to get me dressed for the Children 's Mass and sent me off with a caution to be good . I always went to Mass , every Sunday , and I would pray and sing the hymns and usually I was good . This time the weather was so nice I decided to go to Booger 's instead . He wouldn 't be there on Easter . It would just be the pigeons and me . I was gone for hours that day , and since no one knew where I was , a family furor flared . At school on Monday , Timmy Duffy , unlike me a favorite of the nuns who taught us , told me that every other boy in our class had made it to the Children 's Mass on Easter . " And where were you ? " he asked . I told him I 'd been sick and that I figured with all the polio going around , I didn 't want to cripple anyone on Easter . Timmy accepted my explanation because we were all still praying in school for our classmate Mickey Kane , who had spent a year , so far , in an Iron Lung . " And so , " said Timmy , " even though you weren 't there to help , we sang as loud as we could on Easter , " but that was something our class always did to keep the nuns in the aisle from paying us a visit . I may have sung no hymns that Easter but I probably looked pretty spiffy scrambling over Booger 's fence in my new blue suit , white shirt and tie . I had a wonderful time in the sun with the pigeons careening in the air and my imagination soaring up there with them . I was free to climb my favorite pile of coal , toboggan down on my duff , and then climb a different pile and toboggan down again , far more fun than any sled in winter . Hours later when I got hungry , I went back over the feEvery Easter Sunday that I can remember , we 'd have ham and yams , Brussels sprouts and rutabaga , favorites of my father from his youth in Ireland . But when I got home that day , we didn 't eat right away after my father saw me . As I recall , his reaction was more Neanderthal than usual . " Molly , " he roared to my mother , with his hand gripping the back of my neck , " the little bastid says he went to Booger 's ! He never went to Mass ! " And then , despite my mother 's protests , he grabbed a belt from behind the attic door that had been hanging there for years , waiting for a felony like mine to occur . I knew right away what I had to do and so I dropped my pants and bent over at the waist as far as possible . Without a word , he stropped my arse . I didn 't cry , gosh no , since tears would have brought additional licks . We were Irish , don ' tcha know , so we didn 't cry and we didn 't watch English movies on TV , either . The accents of the actors would remind my father of the Black and Tans , the English soldiers sent to fight in Ireland after the uprising . They imprisoned him on Spike Island , off the coast of Ireland , when he was just 16 . They grabbed him barefoot in a stream sneaking guns to the IRA . In 1920 , Irish boys ran guns for the IRA barefoot through the bogs and streams , provided they were big enough to carry them . Decades later in Chicago , a stranger , dressed like a Mormon on an urban mission , rang our bell and told my father he was from the IRA and had a medal for him in honor of his service 40 years earlier . The man said " It took a while for us to find you . " So there I was that Easter Sunday , standing in our tiny parlor with my pants napping at my ankles , bent over at the waist and with my arse in the air , like a small zeppelin at moor . My predicament was the result of a wonderful morning at Booger 's and a terrible afternoon at home . Now , 60 years later , when that Easter Sunday comes to mind , no matter where I am , I whisper , just in case he still can hear me , " Pops , I haven 't missed a Mass on Sunday since I got that Easter stropping . I guess I learned my lesson . " My father would have loved that snow . Back in ' 67 , when we got 30 inches of it , some of it in drifts as high as Booger 's coal , he was just delighted by the winter scene , so much so that he had the two of us shovel frantically for hours , albeit in our usual Trappist silence . When we got back in the house , he told my mother , with more than a dollop of flair , that the hairs in his nose were frozen . Thank God my mother had his tea ready , steaming hot , as it should be , in its cozy next to his favorite chair . And she gave me lots of cocoa , swirling hot with a zillion marshmallows floating on the top . Now every New Year 's Eve at midnight ( and this has been going on for years ) , I can see in the labyrinth of my mind those same marshmallows swirling when it 's time for me to raise my glass and toast the past - - Holy Week 1948 , the week my butt survived Booger 's slingshot and my father 's belt . " Praise the Lord , " I shout , " and pass the ammunition . " As the years go by , fewer guests know what I mean when I offer my toast . But most of them never had a chance to hear Jack Benny on the radio . The young ones always ask where I got my old fedora . A couple of them have even said I should have it cleaned and blocked . But most of them , I 'm certain , even though they went to college , never saw a relic . They think this old fedora is just a hat . - - - Jerry Guarino 's short stories have been published by dozens of magazines in the United States , Canada , Australia and Great Britain . His latest book , " 50 Italian Pastries " , is available on Amazon . com and as a Kindle eBook . Please visit his website at http : / / cafestories . net Contributor : Eric White - - Michael was sitting on the living room floor propped against his over - sized stuffed dog , Floppy . It was Saturday morning so he was able to watch cartoons if he twisted the antennae just right . The bowl of stale fruit - loops sat undisturbed next to him when there was a loud knock on the front door of the trailer . Michael tiptoed to his father 's room . His dad was passed out on the floor with the belt still around his forearm . Michael knew that it would be futile to attempt to wake his father . So he went back to the living room floor with Floppy and his stale fruit - loops . Just when he thought the visitors were gone there was a violent crash at the door , and all of a sudden three men stood in the door way . Two of them barged in and began tossing their stuff out the door , while the third man went into Michael 's father 's room yelling about the rent . They didn 't so much as glance at Michael . Michael never made a sound . He clung to Floppy , and he watched the men throw away the little bit he and his father had . Eventually the men made their way over to Michael . One grabbed Floppy right out of Michael 's arms and tossed the dog outside into the mud . Michael ran to follow . He picked Floppy out of the mud in time to see his father 's unconscious body hurled from the doorway as well . There was nothing to do , but watch with tears of confusion running down his face . Eventually , an ambulance came and took his dad away . During that time a woman in a nice pants suit appeared . She told Michael that she would make things better for him , and that she was going to make sure he was taken care of for now on . The woman smelled like flowers , and Michael liked her right away . She took him by the hand and led him to the back seat of her car . After she took her place in the driver 's seat Michael had a terrible realization and began to cry at the top of his lungs . " No , it 's not that , " said Michael . " I don 't care about him , but I left Floppy in the yard . Please , let me keep him . Please , please ! " The woman smiled warmly at Michael , then she went back for Floppy . She brushed some dirt off of him , and she secured the stuffed dog next to Michael in the backseat . They left the sad and empty trailer , and Michael never looked back . Contributor : Malia Taylor - - Josh slammed the door to his truck , catching the tail of his shirt in it in the process . " Shit , " he muttered , quickly unlocking it and opening the door to release his shirt . Butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he neared the scuffed , wooden door . He could already hear the jukebox playing some old song by Journey , and smell the fried food and stale beer . Danny 's Pub was not a high - class joint by any stretch of the imagination , but it was where he 'd first seen her . It 's where she hangs out , where he hoped she would be tonight . He cursed himself for taking so long to get ready - she usually went home before 11 o ' clock and it was nearly that now , but he couldn 't show up looking like he 'd just come from a construction site . Not tonight . Tonight was the night he would grow a pair and finally get her number . The smells and sounds intensified as he entered the bar . As is customary , all eyes turned his way at the loud squeak of the old wooden door . " Josh ! " one of the regulars hollered before going back to his pool game . Josh nodded distractedly , eyes scanning the place . He focused on her usual table but there was a waitress in the way . " Damn , " he muttered , gaining a strange look from a nearby barfly . Josh realized he was still standing in the middle of the entrance , looking like an idiot , so he casually sauntered over to the bar and ordered a drink . " The usual , Tom . " Tom grunted and slid the mug of beer , which stopped just short of him on the sticky bar top . Josh took a long pull of the warm , cheap brew ; trying hard not to think about the filthy rag he knew Tom used to wipe the glasses with . The tinkle of female laughter caught his ear and he turned . His heart thudded . There she was , the most beautiful woman he 'd ever seen and she was sitting across from … Mike ? " That traitorous son of a - - " " Hey , Josh . Lookin ' good baby . Why so dressed up , you got a date ? " a throaty voice said in his ear . He cringed . " Oh , hi , Rhonda . " This could be trouble . Rhonda always picked a victim early in the night and then stuck like glue . " Excuse me . " Josh made his escape to the men 's room . He shook his head . Mike , his buddy and co - worker had listened to him go on and on about her , witnessed multiple failed attempts to talk to her . No way was he gonna let that snake - in - the - grass get the girl . His girl . Josh washed his hands , giving himself a pep talk in the dingy mirror . " Come on , you got this . Time to shit or get off the pot . " " You talkin ' to me , man ? " a voice called from the stall . When Josh emerged from the back of the bar , Mike was no longer at her table , he was sitting at the bar , looking pissed . Good , Josh thought , now I can make my move . Her beauty ; her long , dark wavy hair , the way she wore a pair of Levi 's struck him again as he saw her standing at the juke box , swaying to the music she 'd chosen . Josh started forward . The old wooden door creaked and all eyes except his turned toward it . " Tito ! " Josh froze and looked at the newest patron . Shit , Tito ? That asshole owed him $ 500 . Josh knew it was only a matter of time before Tito saw him and split , again . Tito had been avoiding him for months and he needed that money , construction was slow and he had bills overdue . He dithered for a moment , wondering if he had time to confront Tito before she left for the night . She sat back at her table , smiling and laughing and Josh forgot all about Tito and the $ 500 - hell , he would eat ramen noodles for the next two months . He believed this woman was the love of his life , or she would be if he could ever get her number . Something always seemed to get in the way but tonight was his night , dammit . He wasn 't leaving without her name and her digits . Josh did a quick breath check , then put one foot in front of the other and focused on her dark eyes and full rosy lips . He was just thinking about how those lips might feel pressed against his and didn 't notice the end of the pool cue , as it swung back , wielded by a large , drunk biker . " Ah , watch it , man ! " Josh said , cradling his watering eye . " Oops , " the biker sneered before turning back to his game . Jesus , now he had to go over there half - blind . He shook it off , single - mindedly focused on her and what he would say … shit . In all the time he 'd spent planning , he realized he 'd never decided what he would actually say to her . Any old line wouldn 't do , not with someone like her . He mentally scrolled through his best lines , rejecting them all . Maybe he 'd do it like they did in old movies , grab her up in his arms and kiss her . Kiss … he thought of his 7th grade math teacher 's formula for success - K . I . S . S . - Keep It Simple Stupid . He took a deep breath , sidestepped two drunken rednecks on the verge of a brawl , and stopped in front of her table . " Hello , I 'm Josh , and quite honestly ma ' am , I think you 're the most beautiful woman I 've ever seen . " She smiled up at him and sighed . " Josh , I 'm Rita . What took you so long ? Have a seat . " " Tito , you remember my friend Tracy , and this , " she paused with a shy smile , " this is Josh . " Tito swallowed hard and Josh grinned . Damn straight tonight was his night . Contributor : Nicholas Slade - - I went into work to this circus that I 've been at for over a year now . You see , I 'm a kinker , or performer in circus talk , and I had pretty much done it all here . I 've been a clown , a horseback rider , and even an acrobat . Our boss is Mr . Jerry Gorman , a veteran of the circus business . He 's as greedy as they come and a complete lunatic to boot . Always trying to be innovative , he 'd ask me to do the craziest jobs . I never turned them down though , as they always seemed like a good challenge and luckily my skills always came in handy . Little did I know what he had cooked up for me that day when he called me into his office . " Ah , can it . Besides , I have absolutely no interest in harming a bull , it would completely go against my standards . " " You don 't have to hurt it , just give the audience a good show . " " My answer is no . " He stared at me for a moment as I turned to walk out . " Hey , how 's your friend Rick doing ? I know he 's such a hard worker here . You know , it would be a real shame if he , I don 't know , suddenly lost his job or something . " So there I was , standing in the center of the ring , wearing a ridiculous looking jacket , holding up a red cape made out of old scarves , and looking at a large , angry looking beast . " That 's it , I 'm dead . " The bull charged at me with full force . I instinctively used my acrobatic skills to jump onto the bull 's back . My friend Rick , who was acting as my assistant , followed me on horseback . " What are you doing ? " he yelled out . " It seemed like a good idea at the time . " I looked down at the bull 's neck : it was covered in scars . This bull must have been through many fights in the past . With nothing left to lose , I tried talking to the bull . " Hey now , calm down , no one 's going to hurt you . " The bull looked up at me . Does this thing really understand me ? I thought . " I promise , you 'll never have to fight again , now please stop . " On cue , the beast stopped , throwing me to the ground . I looked up at the bull and it licked me with its large tongue . I guess I can add bull whispering to my list of skills . I stood up and patted the bull on the head . My boss ran into the ring . " What the hell is this , " he yelled . " I told you to fight this bull , now do it . " - - - Nicholas Slade is a writer currently living in Florida . Originally from Mississippi , he moved to Florida in 2012 and is currently studying for his Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing . He has previously been published in Farther Star Than These and Yesteryear Fiction . Contributor : April Winters - - I saw what took place the day four - year - old Katy Lynn Jamison disappeared . The sky a cloudless blue , spring had officially sprung on that still - crisp day . The little girl played alone in her front yard while the new babysitter and her boyfriend did who knew what inside the yellow house with the closed white door . On the fateful day , I watched as the green car slowed and turned onto Katy Lynn 's street , just as it did every day around the same time . But on that day it crept past the child 's yard before turning into the garage two doors down . The man got out , left his garage door open , and walked to the end of the driveway . He looked long and hard up both sides of the street , but it being a weekday , everyone was either at work or school . No one was about - except Katy Lynn . The man threw his cigarette onto the pavement , then turned and went back to his automobile . He pulled a box out of the back seat and put it up on the trunk . Reaching inside , he lifted out a black and white , wiggling puppy that joyfully licked the man 's face . The eager , full - of - life pup lured innocent , trusting Katy Lynn out of her front yard and into the man 's garage . She was never seen again . In the years I 've been rooted to this spot , I 've observed much pain and suffering . It 's difficult to endure my existence as quiet observer when I see the horror humanity inflicts on its own kind . But when a child is harmed , I , too , feel grief . The day Katy Lynn 's father tacked the flyer about his missing daughter to my trunk then leaned against me and quietly wept , my leaves sagged around him and I mourned for his loss . next half hour as they ate . Eventually , they let her off the hook . " OK , Kelly we know you 're only discovering something they didn 't - - - Jerry Guarino 's short stories have been published by dozens of magazines in the United States , Canada , Australia and Great Britain . His latest book , " 50 Italian Pastries " , is available on Amazon . com and as a Kindle eBook . Please visit his website at http : / / cafestories . net Jack 's only ten and eager to help so I have to say yes . He looks like Tom Sawyer . Sometimes I think his mother , my daughter , married Huckleberry Finn , when I look at my grandson . Yet she keeps telling me he looks like me . I seen no resemblance except for the red hair and the cowlicks . Years ago my hair was red . I still got the cowlicks . " I heard you got moles and voles so I came over to help . When moles get hungry , Grandpa , they tunnel for worms . That 's how they kill your roots and bulbs . " It sounds like his mother has been coaching him . She probably sent him over here so she can take a nap . Sometimes it 's nice having them live nearby . Other times not so good . For all his good intentions , I know the boy can 't help me with the moles and voles . He even brought his own shovel . I 've been dealing with these pests for months . I think I 'll have to call in a professional . I 'm just afraid the PETA people will show up some night and steal the traps . Or maybe picket my house . The wife might join ' em . She thinks the same way as her daughter . They recycle everything . Sometimes I think I might be the next to go in a bin . My grandson is on a roll now . He tells me I should send " that stuff over there back to Monsanto . I 'll dig up the moles and maybe some voles , too , Grandpa . " I had some weedkiller sitting around the garage for the longest time but I had no plans to try it on the moles and voles . His mother must have seen it when she was here the other day . She hates all chemicals and pesticides . I 'm a little more tolerant . She probably told Jack to get on me about the weedkiller . " You don 't need anything from Monsanto , Grandpa . They made Agent Orange . It 's not for gardens . It kills people . " I tell him I have weedkiller , not Agent Orange . I haven 't heard anybody talking about Agent Orange for years . Bad stuff , but that was a long time ago . Then , with eyes like stars , Jack announces , " Right now , Grandpa , there are kids in Viet Nam who can 't smile like you and me . They 're sick to death and they ain 't gonna get any better , thanks to that Agent Orange stuff . I saw a program about it on television . Ask my mom . She saw it , too . " So I tell him , " Jack , you can start digging over here . Maybe you 'll find a mole . I 'll be right back . I 'm gonna take the weedkiller back to the hardware store . Maybe they 'll give me my money back . You work hard and we 'll go to McDonald 's . Just don 't tell your mother . She doesn 't like cheeseburgers and French Fries , either . " Contributor : Adam Mac - - Nguyen , known as Win , had lived in a small town on the outskirts of Halifax for nearly two years . He had work in the city , friends , and life was pretty good . His English , however , was still poor , he felt - native fluency being his standard . So , he took advantage of every opportunity to improve his English , and being a gregarious person , there were lots . Early on , some of the locals sniggered . Win wasn 't stupid , and he knew he was the butt of many silly jokes , but he didn 't care . Over time , his persistence won over even the surliest , old postmaster Ferguson , and the burliest , Chief Taggert . A quick study , Win got to where he could verbally diagram sentences during conversations , and this impressed a few , then intimidated some more , and ultimately annoyed everyone . He kept on doing it but only in his head . At the office , one of the favourite topics to bitch about was telemarketers . Hang - ups and call screening were the common solutions . Win used to be polite , but now he hung up , too . Tony had tried bullying , but it took a lot more effort than he 'd imagined , so he gave up . Ian had just set up a business line with a pay - per - call service and was collecting 10 cents a minute for telemarketing calls . Shelagh , the English expert with a Master 's from Dalhousie , exasperated at playing thesaurus , got the messianic idea that Win should practice on telemarketers . It was genius ! In the evening , Win set up a dummy online account with a luring marketing profile - a St . Mary 's undergrad working two jobs - and waited … but not long . " With that . . . uh , what 's the word . . . oh yeah , clarification . With that clarification , I get it . Can I phrase it that way ? " " Ah , okay . So , is this card better than a Visa gold card ? Or , an MNBA or MNFL card ? And platinum , is that really the best card , because platinum isn 't the most expensive - " " Yes . Yes . But could , uh , would you first give me some feedback ? You see I 'm practicing my English - my conversational English - and I 'd appreciate - Hello ? " Contibutor : Amanda Dolan Look at her , sitting outside talking to another client . What does that even mean ? I can 't even focus on my video game , because she 's on the patio laughing at his stupid jokes . I 'm unsure why we 've been here for the past week ; this is the longest we 've stayed in a place like this . I hate it . This isn 't home . This is one of Nanny 's many rooms . We used to live in Calabasas . I had a playroom and toys that kept me busy while Nanny had work meetings with men . That little green room was my own personal space . Now , I stay in a new bed every few days . Nanny says we 're traveling to save money for a new house . She says the old house had too many problems , but I 'm starting to think there 's more to the story than she 's telling me . I trust Nanny ; I do . I know she cares about me . After all , she told me she would buy me an Xbox for my birthday . That 's why I didn 't feel bad about her selling all of my Star Wars figures . She told me she needed the money to save for a new house with a bigger playroom . On the bright side , Nanny told me school ended early this year . It 's weird , though ; I see the school bus in the neighborhood every morning and afternoon . I 'd be real pissed if I had to go to school during break , like they do . I always thought school ended in June . It 's March now , but I 'll take it . She told me not to tell anyone about the early break . I guess she doesn 't want me to make them jealous . This break has been really boring though . I 'm sick of being left alone while Nanny goes on business dinners . I 'm sick of getting locked out of the room each time she asks me to go get some ice on the third floor . I swear , I 'll knock a million times before she finally answers the door with her client . This life is getting old . I 'm 10 . I shouldn 't be locked in a hotel room all day while Nanny cries on the phone to her mother . She cries all the time now . I used to think it was because she hurt her arms , because they 're always bleeding . I 'll ask her a few times a day about it . I don 't know why she 's scratching her arms so much . It 's usually when she 's in a bad mood . Today , Nanny told me that she thinks she 'll make a lot of money . Maybe we will be switching hotels tonight . Anything is better than sleeping in the car again . The seats in that car anger me . They 're way too hard for my liking . Mom left the car for Nanny when she moved to London last year . She said she needed to get away . I miss her sometimes , but we 're both well aware that she 's a shitty mother . Anyway , a tow truck dragged the car away last week . Nanny said it 's because she parked in a wrong spot , but something tells me that 's not true . I hear the way the hotel lobby staff talks about her . She 's lying to me . My mom may not be around , but I know my dad loves me . He 's probably missing me right now . He moved to Florida in a hurry . I don 't blame him - Mom sent him packing . She tried to keep me from him . She told me he couldn 't take care of me the way Nanny could . I believed that at first , but now I 'm realizing how far from the truth that is . This hotel isn 't my home . These green - striped bed sheets would never be my first pick . Living out of my Star Wars suitcase pisses me off . I want my toys back . I want food that doesn 't pass through a fast food window . I can 't do this anymore . If that phone didn 't charge us every time we picked it up , I would call right now and tell him to come get me . You know what ? I don 't care . Nanny 's too busy giggling on the patio again . She wouldn 't notice the dollar charged on her account until she tries to checkout anyway . I think it 's worth a shot . I need to start living . Contributor : Dustin Pinney - - All of it was in his head . Everything he 'd ever seen , read , smelled , touched , tasted , heard , learned , remembered , forgotten , created , ignored , obsessed over , loved , loathed was there . All stuck in his head . Expanding , rubbing against the inside of his skull , it wanted out . He tried to tell everyone . Speaking was useless . Writing any of it down didn 't work . Any kind of art failed miserably . His entire life was stuffed into his head and he couldn 't share it . A migraine started thumping along his nervous system . The tiniest motion sent the world around him into a cyclone . That agony intensified to such a point that he was sure death was imminent . The day came when finally his life wore through the bone , punctured his scalp and oozed through to the real world . As it flowed , the opening spread . Light , shadows , magic , chaos , love , hate , spilled out . He started screaming . - - - Dustin Pinney is back living and writing in a town just outside the city where he grew up . His other stories have been featured in the anthologies " 31 More Nights of Halloween , " " New Dawn Fades " , and " Nickel City Nights " as well as a number of online venues . He also writes an awful lot about Doctor Who for Letusnerd . com . - - - Jerry Guarino 's short stories have been published by dozens of magazines in the United States , Canada , Australia and Great Britain . His latest book , " 50 Italian Pastries " , is available on Amazon . com and as a Kindle eBook . Please visit his website at http : / / cafestories . net At first , no one could remember who started the chant . Patsy , a sweet and ample child , was in the third grade . As happenstance would have it , I was in that same third grade , infamous already as the only boy wearing spectacles in our class . After I got the glasses , I had three schoolyard fights in three days to prove to Larry Moore , Billy Gallagher and Fred Ham that I hadn 't changed a bit . You would think I would have forgotten their names by now . Not a chance . I didn 't like being messed with in third grade . Since the chant would often begin and gather volume during recess , the nuns who ran the school eventually heard it and did their best to put a stop to it . This was a time when nuns , God bless them , were empowered by parents to swat the butts of little miscreants if any of them interrupted the educational process . Despite their voluminous habits , the nuns were adept at administering discipline , let me tell you , as my butt , on more than one occasion , could attest . Now , 65 years later , when the chant pops into my mind , I begin to wonder what prompted me to say it . Early on , I certainly loved to hear the sound of words bouncing off each other - - as if words were pool balls scattered by a cue . Later on I would use words to earn a living . They were the only tools I was any good with . As I remember it now , the chant started one day after a school practice in church involving Gregorian chant . Some of the other kids later alleged that they had heard me , of all people , on the way back to class , chanting " Patsy Foley 's roly - poly from eating too much ravioli . " I probably had some idea of the problem my chant might cause . But I loved the sound of it too much to stop . If Dick Clark had been on American Bandstand back in 1947 , he might have said the chant had " a nice beat " to it , but kids weren 't dancing much in 1947 . World War II had just ended and school was a serious matter . Even kids who didn 't like books usually tried their best . Since I was only in third grade , one might think that I might have had some emotional or mental problem that caused me to chant that phrase over and over . That could be . If a child did something like that today , he or she might be examined for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder ( ADHD ) . Maybe I had something like that . But in my mind the reason I chanted about Patsy Foley is that I liked the sound . It didn 't hurt that my father was always saying things at home that had a bit of a turn to them . I remember how I used to enjoy the cadence of what he said and repeating it when he wasn 't around . He used words differently than other fathers in the neighborhood and he delivered them in a melodic Irish brogue . My mother , who was bereft of verbal rhythm , would sometimes ask my father a serious question when he was fresh home from a hard day 's work , climbing alley poles as an electrician . Usually her question would pertain to some family matter that she had been fretting about all day . And my father , sitting on a chair in our little kitchen while stripping off his gear , might say in response , " And what would Mary Supple say to that ? " It 's a shame that over the years my mother , sister and I never found out who Mary Supple was because her name was frequently invoked . Nor did we ever find out who John Godley was , either , even though my father would sometimes substitute John Godley for Mary Supple in that same response . He never said these things in anger , although he did have a terrific temper . He could erupt at any time and you didn 't want to get in the way of the lava . At other times , when my father was asked a question by my mother at an inconvenient time , he might look her in the eye and say , " Ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds chased by one Norwegian , " a line that did not originate with him but was one that he repeated with a special flair . The words certainly sounded good to me , whatever they meant . We didn 't know any Swedes or Norwegians and had no idea if there might be some conflict going on between them . True , World War II had just ended but we didn 't think the Swedes and Norwegians had been actively involved . Sometimes my mother on a Sunday morning would ask my father if he was going to get dressed for church . He might have been taking a sip of his fifth cup of tea at the time . He wouldn 't get angry but he sometimes would lean back and sonorously intone one of the many Burma Shave billboard slogans that dotted highways in that era : " Whiskers tough old Adam had ' em . Does your husband have whiskers like Adam , Madam ? " I liked the sound of that slogan as well . Today , it still pops into my mind during arid moments . And as my wife will attest , she has heard it frequently over the years . I think it 's pretty easy Years later , some neighbor ladies at a block party made some nice comments to my mother about my father 's appearance . When she came home , she told my sister what they had said and forewarned her that " handsome is as handsome does . " In many ways , that 's quite true , even though that line didn 't originate with my mother . Come to think of it , though , I like the sound of that line as well and might have chanted it more than once had I heard it in third grade . Contributor : Andrew Stancek - - The greengrocer has taped photos of the new supermodel Twiggy , ripped from a fashion magazine , to his store window . My train leaves in forty minutes ; my suitcase bulges . I stop to catch a breath , to admire the glossy beauty and peering inside the store through the grimy window I see a mound of oranges , not seen in Bratislava in months . The greengrocer must still be spreading the word to his cronies after a middle of the night delivery but they 'll be gone before the store opens at eight . I rap on the window , rattle it hard . My knuckles hurt but I don 't stop till a beer - bellied man with a three - day beard opens the door a crack and growls , " Closed , can 't you see we 're closed . Stop the goddamn racket . " " Every single one is spoken for , sefko . My blasted daughter didn 't pull the shutters closed last night . No oranges by opening time . You aren 't seeing them . " If I had oranges to give to Dasa , I wouldn 't have to catch the 8 : 02 train . I wouldn 't have to knock on the door of a brother I haven 't seen in twelve years , with an unspoken plea . If I have to keep arguing with this bastard , I might not catch the train . But if I trundle back up the stairs with a bagful , she might soften like ripe cheese , take me back . She didn 't mean it when she said I 'm a useless provider on top of being a goddamn drunk and a cheat . If I have an orange I can take a sharp knife , cut the orange into thirds , feed a third to little Palko , feed a third to her and she 'll take the last third and . . . " I don 't need five kilos . I 'll take three . Give me three oranges . Whatever they 're paying you , the goddamn smrady in the council office , I 'll top their price . Look , three hundred crowns for three stinking oranges . You can tell the burzujs you got shorted , that you don 't have as many as you thought . No one will ever know . " He stares at the banknotes in my hand , greed pulsing a vein in his forehead . He snatches them , motions me into the store . " Three , that 's all you get . Pick them quickly and get out . " I caress the fragrant skin , juggle one - two - three in the face of the glaring store - keeper . Wings sprout out of my shoulder blades . " I 'll come back later for my suitcase , " I say and fly , fly home , clutching my gift . Contributor : Linda Garnett - - " Mitch , can 't this car go any faster ? We 're not going to make it . " " We 're almost to your hou . . . Contributor : Stephen V . Ramey - - A boy stood in dappled sunlight , blocking my way . He was bone thin , all arms and legs . His expressi . . . |
Posted by lizzieswanhouse on December 8 , 2015 The air on the window pane was chilly , almost biting , as Jean - Michel bent over to light the candle in the window of his fourth floor apartment . He imagined most of his neighbors in the apartment building doing the same thing . In fact , he imagined most of the one million people who lived in his city of Lyon , France lighting candles in their windows . After all , it was December 8th , La Fete des Lumieres , the Festival of Lights , renown throughout France . For most of his ten years , he recalled hearing the story of how the Festival of Lights came to be . It was because of the Virgin Mary . People in the church had vowed to build a cathedral in her honor if she would protect their city from the Plague in the 17th century and then from invasion by an enemy in the 19th century . She had , and the church had been built , complete with a statue of the blessed Virgin on the top . The inauguration of the statue in 1850 was to be held in September , but had to be postponed until the 8th of December because the Saône River flooded . The city folk placed small candles along their window - sills to commemorate Mary on the inauguration day and so the celebrations had continued ever since . He knew the story by heart , and , he thought to himself , staring out the window to where that same Saône River flowed swiftly by below , perhaps she would escape her banks again . Now that would be exciting ! Five days of straight rain , once even a few snow flurries , had swollen the Saône River and the neighboring Rhône River on the other side of Lyon , well past capacity . I hope the Virgin Mary is happy , he thought to himself . I hope she is very happy . Then maybe she will answer Maman 's prayers . Maybe this year … He remembered one year the crowds had been so thick that they could not move . They had had no choice but to be swept along in the mass of people . He had felt a moment of panic , squeezed his mother 's hand and looked up to see her brightly painted smile . Always that same red smile that flashed almost as brightly as the neon sign . The smile never wavered , even when the Virgin Mary did not answer her prayers . How his mother could be pessimistic and at the same time wear that stiff smile did not quite make sense to Jean - Michel . But he never questioned his mother . She was all he had . They had each other . " Almost . Don 't be in such a hurry , Jean - Mi . Help me dry the plates and then get your coat and mittens and scarf . Don 't forget your scarf . And the hat . If it takes a mind to rain again , I guarantee it 'll be white before it touches the ground . " Maman closed the old door and locked it . They descended the narrow stone staircase which wound itself in a spiral . Maman said they were lucky to live here , in the middle of the city in an apartment which had been around ever since Napoleon had decided to take over the world . Jean - Michel liked the high ceilings and the long climb up the four floors of winding stone staircase . But he didn 't much like the frigid air that blew right through the windows as if there was no glass on them at all . Their neighbor , Monsieur Lepine , had once commented that the glass had survived the plague and two world wars and a lot else and that it was pretty nearly worn out . So at night , Maman covered the windows with thick quilts . Tonight they descended the staircase and as always , let themselves out through the traboule . Jean - Michel had invented a hundred different stories of the traboules - how he would escape from the bullies in the next apartment building by hiding in these narrow covered passageways that led from one street to the next . The traboules were very famous in Lyon , dating back to the 14th century when the city first became a major exporting center for silk . He also imagined himself sneaking up on the high hill to where Fourvière Cathedral stood in its glory . He thought of climbing up on the lone statue of the Virgin and whispering in her ear , " Can 't you please answer Maman 's prayers this year ? She always goes to Mass at Christmas , she prays with the rosary , she gives her money - what little there is . So can 't you please answer this one prayer of hers ? Surely it will not be hard for you if you could stop the plague from coming to the city and the armies from invading two hundred years later . " Then of course he would run down the steep hill from the cathedral , run through the gardens until he reached another church - Saint Jean 's Cathedral at the bottom of the hill . If the police came after him - for whispering in the Virgin 's ear - he would run down the cobbled street beside the church and duck into an innocuous doorway which , in fact , was a traboule . But the police would think they were merely entering into another apartment complex , when he was long gone out the other side and hiding on a street two blocks away . They emerged from the stone structure into the street and the biting chill hit him full in the face . He was glad he had brought the scarf and pulled it up over his chin . His heart felt a little thrill . People everywhere , the smell of chestnuts being roasted in an old barrel , a vendor holding out a rolled up newspaper filled with the blackened nuts to a woman who handed him a few cents . Another man selling crepes and hot chocolate . And others calling out " Vin chaud ! " The hot mulled wine warmed the body and made the people smile . Lights everywhere . People laughing , people happy even if Mary didn 't answer their prayers . Tonight it was a celebration . He held tightly to his mother 's hand as she led him through the crowds on her spiked heels , never once faltering on the cobbled stones . Jean - Michel secretly wished his mother would not wear the spiked heels and the short skirts and tight blouses that made men stop and stare . He wished she would not wear the bright red coat that everybody noticed and that she would not paint her face so that she looked almost like a doll with eyes stuck open and lips as red as her coat . Walking with her through town was always an adventure , her laughing and batting her eyes and calling out angry words if the men became too suggestive . Maman thought Jean - Michel didn 't notice at all . But he was ten , and he had understood for several years now . Maman was looking for something or someone . That was why she dressed as she did and why she prayed to the Virgin Mary . For many years Jean - Michel had tried to figure out exactly what his mother said to the Virgin , and once he had gotten up the courage to ask her . But she had merely quipped , " You 'll see , Jean - Mi . Someday the Blessed Virgin will answer my prayers and things will be different . " He had tried to guess what those prayers were . At first he was sure she was praying that his father would return . As a small boy , he convinced himself that this was it . But he had visited his father 's grave too many times with his mother now , laid too many cheap bouquets of flowers on the stone , to believe his father could somehow magically reappear . Or maybe she was praying to win the lottery . Many people bought the Loto ticket every week , sure the next time their number would be chosen . Maman bought the Loto ticket every Saturday . Catherine Anderson set baby Timothy in the crib , thankful that he was at last sleeping . She walked to the window and gazed out on the city below , the streets filling up with enthusiastic people ready for celebration . The Festival of Lights . Again . She sighed , closed her eyes and said a brief prayer for her husband , Steve . She could well imagine him right now , setting up the book table on the Rue de la Republic , with little Jessica , 7 , and Luke 10 , helping him . Reluctantly , she thought to herself . These days , Luke seemed reluctant about everything . It was their seventh year in Lyon , their seventh year of ministering in the little Protestant church tucked on a street between the Rhône and Saône Rivers . Their seventh year , she thought to herself with a taste of bitterness in her mouth , of working hard . For what ? Steve was still filled with enthusiasm for the members of his small congregation , still filled with energy and expectations . At least on the outside . But she could see the light dimming in his clear blue eyes . She could read the disappointment there . And it scared her . Disappointment , she was used to . She had felt it creeping up on her for the past three years . Missionaries . Missionaries in France . Of course , they did not call themselves missionaries . Steve was a pastor . But their goal in life was to reach out with God 's love to the French people . Their desire was to help strengthen struggling French churches , training up leaders and letting them take over . Only it took so long . Fifteen long years in France . First in the south , then in the north and now in Lyon . And so few results . So very few . She sighed , brushed the baby 's cheek and was overcome with the emotion of what another young mother must have felt so long ago when she considered her miraculous infant . " Mary , were you afraid ? Overwhelmed ? Disappointed ? Discouraged ? " Yes , she must have known each of these emotions as she watched her young son grow into a man and move into a life of hurt and misunderstanding . A radical life . The giver of life ! The Lord Jesus Himself . Maybe Mary had wondered if it was worth it , all the heartache and uncertainty . Surely she had . She could not see ahead , could not know what Jesus would become , would have had to trust solely in God 's promise and believe . The Bible lay open on the kitchen table to Luke 2 as she had a custom of doing during the month of December . " Dear Jesus , " Catherine prayed silently . " Encourage Steve , somehow , encourage him this season . Thank you for our little Timothy . Thank you . Forgive me for the disappointment and resentment that well up sometimes . I am homesick , and I am wondering if any of this is worth it . Forgive me . " It was happening again . Maman was talking with the men in front of the bar , commenting on the canopy of lights above them . Somehow she always managed to get a drink for free . Tonight Jean - Michel was thankful that one man had offered him a hot chocolate , as he stood trembling with cold beside his mother . With the warm drink in his hands , he left his mother 's side , telling her , " I 'm going over to look at the books . " " Oh , no . Maman is over there . " He nodded her way . " She 's talking with the men . I got bored . What kind of books are you selling , Monsieur ? " " I 'm not selling any books . These are free . Bibles . We have several kinds . Here is one for children , with pictures . And this little book tells the story of Jesus ' birth . Would you care to look at one ? " Jean - Michel nodded , trying not to look too eager as he picked up a small paperback book , obviously meant for a little child . As the man said , the story was about baby Jesus and His birth in a manger . After reading the short book , Jean - Michel leaned over the table and confided , " I 've heard the story of Jesus being born . But the Virgin has not yet answered my mother 's prayers . She has prayed to the Blessed Virgin for five years and still no answer . I don 't believe in the story anymore . " The man 's blue eyes grew intense as he said , " Dear son , you don 't need to ask Mary . She 's not the one who can answer . Go straight to Jesus - just as it says in the Bible . Go straight to Him with all your needs , your questions , your hurts . He knows you , loves you , understands … " Then , while his mother laughed with the men , glancing every few minutes his way , Jean - Michel listened , wide - eyed , as the man told him the story of Christmas . When his mother was finally ready to leave , Jean - Michel had tucked a copy of the Bible inside his coat along with a bright green slip of paper . " A special invitation for you , " the man had said , a smile on his face . " But you must get permission from your mother . " Jean - Michel thought about the man 's words all night long , while he lay in bed , tucked under four quilts . Could it possibly be true ? Could it be that Maman had been praying to the wrong person all these years ? Was that why the prayers were never answered ? Perhaps he could ask Maman tomorrow . But what if the man was right ? He gently shoved the little Bible under his pillow and whispered his very first spontaneous prayer . " Excuse me , Jesus , for bothering you . I , um , thought we weren 't ' spose to bother you but talk to your mother . Then if she thought it was important enough , she 'd address you . But what I 'm trying to say is this . Would you please answer Maman 's prayers ? If you are God , you already know what they are and how very , very small they must seem to you . But you must also know how very , very big they are to Maman . So could you answer them , please ? And could you let me talk to that man at the book table again without Maman getting worried ? Maybe he knows something . Bye , now . " Before he drifted off to sleep , Jean - Michel reached under his pillow , took the bright green sheet from inside the Bible and read the words for the third time . Children 's Christmas Club . Discover the true meaning of Christmas , make a Christmas gift for your parents and enjoy cookies and hot chocolate at the end . Saturday , December 14 , 16H00 , the Protestant Evangelical Church on 23 rue Régaud . " How 'd it go tonight , honey ? " Catherine asked , planting a soft kiss on her husband 's forehead . Jessica and Luke were finally tucked in bed , after she had spent an hour warming their frozen hands and reading from their Christmas books . " Fine , dear . It 's the same each year - a few Muslim youth get a bit rough , the French boys pick up the free Bibles and laugh . I find tracts streamed along the street . But we handed out a number of invitations to the Christmas party and a few people took Bibles . " Jean - Michel waited impatiently as his mother painted her face and put on her pointy shoes and brushed her long black hair . She reached for the red coat and was finally ready . He didn 't want to rush her or make her mad . She had agreed to take him to the Christmas party at the church ! " We 'll see what it 's like , " she warned . " I won 't leave you with a bunch of strangers . You never know what they might want . " They rode the metro to the Place Bellecour and walked onto the pedestrian road known as Rue de la Republique . Above them , brilliant arches of lights flickered the whole length of the long road . After a while , they arrived at rue Régaud and turned onto the tiny road , Jean - Michel eagerly searching for the number 23 . They came to a building with a window covering the entire first floor . Christmas lights were strung around the door , and on the shelves behind the window were books and a pretty nativity scene . A small sign proclaimed " Evangelical Protestant Church of Lyon . " His mother hesitated , frowning . But before she could turn away , he pushed open the door and stepped inside , practically dragging her with him . The tall , thin man from the other night was there to greet him . " Madame Fournier , " his mother said , batting her eyes . Jean - Michel wished she would not do that . He was sure that this man was not interested in making jokes with her . " Well , Madame Fournier , thank you for allowing Jean - Michel to attend our party . If you 'd like , there 's a table with some coffee and hot chocolate to help you warm up . Later we 'll be serving Christmas cookies . " The man laughed good - naturedly . " No , it 's nothing like Fourvière or Saint Jean , that 's for sure . But it is a church . It 's where a group of people who want to worship the Christ come on Sundays . And we have other activities during the week . " " An hour and a half . If you have errands to run , Jean - Michel will be safe here with us . But if you prefer to stay , my wife is over there , and she 'd be glad to get you a chair … " Jean - Michel had to agree with his mother . This room certainly didn 't look like any church he had ever visited . There were no high ceilings or stained glassed windows , no statues , no gold mosaics , no impressive organ . It was just a room . And yet something about it was warm and inviting . The walls were painted a soft cream color and they were covered with posters of pretty flowers and sheep and beautiful sunsets . And on every poster there were words written . He stood in front of one of a lighthouse shining by a tempestuous sea and read , " The Lord is my light and my salvation . I will trust in Him and not be afraid . " " Those are Bible verses . Promises that God gives us in His holy book , " commented Monsieur Anderson . " Jean - Michel , perhaps you 'd like to meet the other children . " Ten or fifteen children were already seated in chairs over by an electric piano . Some were no more than four or five , a few a little older . One boy look to be about his age , but he was frowning and didn 't seem very happy to be there . " This is my son , Luke , " Monsieur Anderson said , smiling at the frowning boy . Catherine watched as Steve talked to the boy and his mother . One look at the woman and Catherine felt she knew her life . Seeing her standing awkwardly in the middle of the room with her tight clothes and heavy make - up , Catherine felt incredible sadness . She felt she could have written this woman 's story by heart without ever meeting her . So many of the stories were the same . People searching for something , someone . Always searching . And that desperate , plastic smile painted on the face … She went over to where the woman stood , batting her eyes at Steve . Steve 's eyes were bright and happy . " Catherine , I want you to meet Madame Fournier . Her son , Jean - Michel , is over there talking to Luke . " Catherine knew immediately why Steve was smiling . He had met this boy the other night at the Light Festival . They had prayed for Jean - Michel , whose mother had asked the Virgin Mary for answers and had never received them . " Oh , well , you 're free to go . Your son will be fine with us . He 'll be here waiting for you when you come back . " But the woman was staring intently at the large wooden cross hanging on the wall behind Catherine . It was a replica of the cross that had been created for the Huguenots , the first French Protestants , back in the 17th century . Madame Fournier seemed drawn to it . " Or if you have time to stay , I could use help preparing the cookies . Whatever you wish . " Just then , baby Timothy began to cry from where he was in his stroller . Little Jessica ran over to him . As Catherine bent down to lift the baby from the stroller , Madame Fournier said , " I could hold your baby , if you wish . If that would help you ? " Catherine looked back at her , surprised . " I used to work at a crêche , " she added . " I 'm used to babies . " Jean - Michel listened to every word Monsieur Anderson said . Though the story was meant for younger children , he liked it . At one point , Monsieur Anderson took a large wooden cross from off of the wall and he told the children about how the baby born in the manger on Christmas Day was also the Savior of the world , the one who died on a cross to save every person from all the bad things he had done . " Jesus came into the world for us , because God loved us so much . And He died for us on a cross so we wouldn 't have to receive the punishment for all the bad things we 'd done . But children , " and here , Monsieur Anderson bent down , blue eyes again intense , " Jesus did not stay on that cross . He died and rose again by God 's power ! For us . Jesus is alive and He loves each one of you and wants you to know Him … " When Monsieur Anderson said the part about Jesus not staying on the cross , Jean - Michel heard a small gasp at the back of the room , and turned around to see his mother covering her mouth with one hand while she held a baby in her other arm . Luke , who had decided to sit by Jean - Michel , frowned at him and whispered , " Listen to the story ! " Jean - Michel gave him a cross look and whispered back , " I am listening . " But for the rest of the story , all he was thinking about was how his mother had had such a surprised and almost frightened expression on her face , and he wondered why . " So your husband is a pastor ? I suppose that isn 't exactly like a priest then , seeing that you are married and have children . " Elise reddened . Catherine laughed , surprised at the ease with which she was talking to this woman . " Oh , no , not exactly like a priest . In the Protestant Church the pastors can marry and have families . " " That 's better . I 've known some priests and well , they found it hard to - um , keep their vows … " She reddened again . " But we 're Catholics , Jean - Michel and me . Both have been baptized in the church . We do our best . Born Catholic and we 'll die Catholic . I 've never met a Protestant before . " The suspicious tone was back in Elise 's voice . " Oh , Elise , " Catherine said , trying to make her voice sound light . " We don 't bite ! Isn 't it sad how so often we let labels separate us ! Anyway , we 're glad you stopped by with your son . How old is he ? " " Yes , the same age as my Luke . He 's the grouchy - looking kid sitting by your son . " She sighed . " Your son seems a little less insolent right now . " Elise 's face brightened as they began to talk about their children in whispers . But Catherine wanted her to hear the story . Finding an excuse , she left the room , going into the kitchen to retrieve a plate of homemade Christmas cookies . As she came back out into the main room , Catherine noticed that Elise was listening intently to what Steve was saying to the children . When her husband brought out the wooden cross and began to explain the meaning of Jesus ' death and resurrection , Elise let out a gasp . Catherine waited to see if Elise wanted to explain , but she only moved closer to the group of children . She stood almost transfixed for at least ten minutes . When Steve had finished his story of how the baby in the manger was also the Savior of the world , Elise turned back to Catherine and her eyes were filled with tears . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , handing sleeping Timothy to his mother . " But this is the answer to my prayers . To five years of prayers ! It is here , right here . This is what Michel was talking about . " " Michel was Jean - Michel 's father . We weren 't married , but he was good to me , to us . Brought us food and helped pay our rent and took little Jean - Michel places . " Then he grew ill . Very ill . " Her eyes told the rest of the story . " But he met some kind people in the hospital and when I 'd go to visit him , he would talk about them . He kept telling me to find the place where Jesus was not hanging on the cross . Where He was alive . He told me to find the cross with the dove . I didn 't know what Michel was talking about - he was often delirious at the end - but for the past five years I 've lighted a candle for him every Christmas and I 've prayed to the Virgin - especially on the 8th of December - to help me understand what Michel meant . To help me find the cross he was talking of . And here it is ! " Jean - Michel could not quite believe what his mother was saying , as she held his hand firmly and gesticulated with the other , tears running down her cheeks . " This is what your papa was telling me to find ! He wanted me to find this Jesus ! See , Jean - Michel , you 've found the secret . The Virgin Marie had answered my prayers through you , my son ! " " Oh , no , Maman . It wasn 't Marie . I prayed to Jesus . I asked Him to answer your prayers and to let me talk to the man at the book table again . He answered both of our prayers . " They stayed at the funny little church for over an hour after the other children had left , but Jean - Michel didn 't mind . In fact , he was overjoyed to see the brightness in his mother 's eyes as she talked in quiet excited tones to Monsieur and Madame Anderson . If only Luke were friendlier everything would have been perfect . But the boy just eyed Jean - Michel warily . " Sure , I 've heard of baseball . We played a little at school last year . Of course , it wasn 't the real thing , but I thought it seemed like a cool sport . What position do you play ? " It wasn 't a real conversation , but it was better than nothing . When his mother was getting ready to leave , Madame Anderson said , " We have a Christmas Eve service here at five in the afternoon . Then those who want are invited to come to our house for the Christmas meal . Everyone brings his favorite dish and we put them all on a table and share . You and Jean - Michel would be welcome . " Jean - Michel saw the interest in his mother 's eyes - and the suspicion . Before she could answer , Madame Anderson added , " You don 't have to give me an answer . But if you decide to come , just show up with something good to eat ! " And she laughed happily as she told them good night . Luke grunted . " Why 'd you have to invite them to dinner , Mom ? That boy is just an old racaille . He 'll probably leave our house with his pockets full of our money . " Catherine frowned at her son . But she didn 't blame him really for complaining . Several years ago a homeless man who 'd come to dinner had left with several of Luke 's cherished toys and 150 euros worth of Christmas money . Elise and Jean - Michel entered the small protestant church on Christmas Eve , surprised to see it full - all fifty chairs or so . Jean - Michel held his mother 's hand throughout the whole first part of the service . They stood together and sang the songs that were projected on the wall . Christmas carols . A woman was playing the piano and a teen strumming the guitar . People were singing loudly , happily , with serene smiles on their faces . They looked to Jean - Michel as if they actually believed what they were singing . Maybe one day I will believe it too , he thought , as he sang about the babe in a manger who came to save the world from sin . And maybe Maman would believe too . One thing was sure - she had acted happy and excited during the past week and she was the one who told him that night , " Hurry up , Jean - Michel . We don 't want to be late ! " They shook Monsieur Anderson 's hand and he motioned to Luke to show them to their seats . Luke greeted them with that same sullen expression on his face . But Jean - Michel had a plan . Later , he knew how he was going to make Luke smile . At the end of the service , Catherine called to Luke , " Honey , I 'm going to need your help at home . Let 's go now , and Dad will walk with the others to our apartment . " She saw her son roll his eyes , his hands thrust deep in the pockets of his pants . He started over to her when Jean - Michel came up to him . " Hey , Luke , it was really nice of your parents to invite us to your house . Um , I brought this for you - I hope you like it . " Then Catherine watched as the young boy held out a wrapped gifted to her startled son . " I know , " Jean - Michel said . " But I wanted to . Your dad said at the party it was more blessed to give than receive . Something like that . Go ahead and open it . " Slowly Luke unwrapped the bulky gift and held up a worn baseball glove . " Wow ! " he said with more enthusiasm in his voice than Catherine had heard in months . " Wow ! A Rawlings ! Where 'd you get this ? It 's a really nice glove . " " My daddy used to play baseball with this nice American man , and the man gave him this glove . But then , um , my dad died . He left the glove for me . But I don 't play much so when you told me what sport you liked , I thought I 'd give it to you . " Catherine could tell that Luke didn 't know what to say . After a moment of awkward silence , he said , " But I can 't take this . It was your dad 's . " Later in the evening , as thirty guests were crammed in their small apartment , laughing and enjoying delicious food , Luke came up to his mother . " What can I offer to Jean - Michel ? He gave me this cool glove . I need to give him something . " " I think Jean - Michel wanted to give you the glove . He 's not expecting anything in return . And you shouldn 't feel obliged . You know how the Bible says that God loves a cheerful giver . " " But I want to give him something , too , Mom . Honest , I do . He 's a pretty cool kid . Do you think that he and his mom will ever come back to our church ? " Catherine watched as Steve patiently talked to Elise , answering all of her questions . Catherine knew it was just the beginning , the first step toward new life for this young woman and her son . She knew it would be long and hard , filled with ups and downs . They had walked this path with many others before . But she felt a deep down joy well up in her heart as she answered her son , " Oh , yes , Luke . I think we 'll be seeing a lot of them in the future . I think that the Lord has answered my prayers through them . " Luke gave her a quizzical look , then shrugged and smiled . " Hey , I know what I 'll give Jean - Michel ! I 've got a great idea … " And he ran off toward his room . Jean - Michel held the Lego toy in his hands , as he lay in bed , turning it over and over in his hands . This had been their best Christmas ever . His mother had received a Bible from the Andersons and Luke had given him a brand new Lego toy - a gift from Luke 's American grandmother . A very expensive Lego . " I can 't take this , " Jean - Michel had said , embarrassed . But Luke had insisted , all the while tossing a baseball in his Rawlings glove . That had made them both laugh . Jean - Michel closed his eyes and whispered , " Thank you , Jesus . For being the answer . Thank you so very much . " He had a smile on his lips as he fell asleep , with the wind howling outside the windows and the moon shining down on the Saône River . Jackie says : December 9 , 2015 at 12 : 16 pm Thank you so much Elizabeth for this story . It 's a wonderful encouragement to not give up on the prayers we pray - trusting our Lord to answer in His Perfect time ! A fellow missionary lizzieswanhouse says : December 9 , 2015 at 12 : 50 pm Thank you , Jackie ! As you probably can tell , this story is based on lots of real life experiences as a missionary in France . Blessings on your work ! |
My friend had to go away on business for a few days . Her husband and teenaged daughter drove her to the airport . That trip was perhaps the last " normal " moment she will have for a while . On the way home , after they dropped off my friend , her husband stopped and bought alcohol ( the drinking kind not the rubbing kind ) for his underaged daughter . I suspect he had some himself . He then proceeded to make sexual advances to his daughter ! ! Yes , you read that right ! ! His daughter was able to fight off the advances , so there was no physical damage ; however , the psychological trauma was devastating . This incident is what led to my title . I discussed the whole thing with my husband , since he is a man ( big surprise there , I know ) , and he was as puzzled as I was . How could a man do something like that to his own child ? Yes , the alcohol provided some fuel , to be sure . But the alcohol did not put the idea into this man 's head . What is it with men ? If you think about the sexual abuse of children ( at any age ) , the offenders are most often men . Women ( sane ones , at least ) do not damage children - especially their own . Women protect their children . In the culture of the Native Americans I work with , children ( and women ) are considered sacred . They are the ones who carry life into the future . I 'm sure it has occurred , but I have never personally heard about or read about a mother who has sexually molested her child . I have heard about many men who have done such things ! Yes , I 've read the clichés about men thinking with their penises rather than their brains . I can see how teenaged boys can get carried away , when the strength of those urges are new and unfamiliar . But a man who is old enough to have a 17 year old daughter is a man who is old enough to have learned how to control his sexual urges . A man who is a father ought to be the protector of his family , not the one who damages his family ! My friend is a strong woman who is very protective of her children and her family . She would often speak of how much she loved her husband and her children . She is such a positive person and a role model for those around her . Now she is trying to figure out how to explain these things to her teenaged children - and to herself . I am so angry for her . I 'd like to slap this man upside the head and ask him what on God 's good earth could have made him think this was okay to do , alcohol or not ! But I know I 'd get the typical answers : I didn 't know what I was doing ; the alcohol made me do it ; I just couldn 't control myself . Leave a Comment » I spoke with a young mother last night to try to assist her . She had moved from Oklahoma to Pine Ridge , SD to help care for her mother after her mom had some surgery . Her mom has other medical conditions in addition to the one that required surgery , had been life - flighted off the reservation previously and certainly needed the extra help . Her mom , however , has gone back to work early because of the dire need for income . I said this was a young mother who moved back to Pine Ridge . She did not come alone . She brought her 4 children with her . Her children range in age from 11 to 18 . In Oklahoma , she was enrolled in a college program majoring in Criminal Justice . Back in Pine Ridge , she is enrolled at the Oglala Lakota College , which does not have that major . So she will have to choose something else to complete her degree . When she and the children moved back , they were given her grandfather 's trailer to live in . However , because neither he nor other family had a job , the electricity was shut off for lack of payment . They were not the only ones , of course , so candles and generators in the neighborhood were the norm . But generators take fuel , too , so they are run intermittently , as hot water is needed - not solely for TV or lights . Apparently while she was at her mother 's home , the children had candle lit so they could see . A neighbor had turned on a generator and did have the TV on while the water was heating . So her children we to the neighbor 's house to watch TV . . . forgetting the candle . Unfortunately , unattended candles can be a fire hazard and this one was no exception . The trailer caught fire and burned down , taking all their possessions as well . Even worse , they had some historic documents and items in the trailer which have now been lost to both the family and the tribe . She is so saddened by that loss . I explained to this mom that the family had been referred to us and explained both the sponsorship and OKINI programs . I told her I would put them on both , with an emphasis on the OKINI due to their urgent needs . She began to cry . She apologized for the tears and said that it has been very difficult to get help through the tribe . It seems that the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing , that no one communicates with anyone else and that there is " no money left " in any program . She said that would never occur with the Cherokee Nation . They are organized and it is easy to navigate their systems . They are honoring and trying to maintain their culture while at the same time fitting in with the current day . Moving back to Pine Ridge , from one Indian nation to another , has been a Native American culture shock ! She and her four children went to the tribe for assistance with housing after the trailer burned . They were told that they qualified for assistance but it would take some time . This young woman , who is strong and articulate , was not about to let her children be homeless . They have moved into her great - grandmother 's " old house " that was built sometime around the 1900 's . It is a house , but it is small ! It contains a kitchen and one other room . The only furniture they have is a full - sized bed . Since there are 5 family members , the 2 older children are going at night to sleep on their grandmother 's couch . They have no appliances , no table or chairs , no food storage ( no food for that matter ) and very little clothing . They do have someone who is willing to build another room onto the place if they can materials from they tribe ( they are not holding their breath on that ) . After we talked about all the hardships she and her children have been enduring , she proceeded to tell me the story of her pre - teen nephew . Her brother , who still lives in Oklahoma , is the boy 's biological dad . However , when the mother was pregnant with the boy , she left the biological dad and moved to Pine Ridge to live with another man . She listed that man as the father on the boy 's birth certificate . After a short time , she left that man . . . and left the boy with his non - biological father as well . Apparently this boy has been abused since he was quite small - physically , mentally , emotionally ( being told his biological father was dead after he found out about him ) and perhaps sexually . The boy finally called the police to try to find safety . After a court hearing , they placed him back with the abuser . The young woman fears for her nephew 's life and wants to help the boy . But again she is frustrated by the lack of organization and lack of urgency she finds in the Oglala Sioux Tribe . I have connected her to my Lakota friend , who has had a lot of experience with the juvenile system on the rez , as you know if you read my accounts on this blog . I will try to give her other connections as I can . But as in any job , paid or not , there are parts of the job and parts of the " company 's " structure that I find problematic . Perhaps I see a better way to get something done . Or maybe I think that a program should be completely revamped . Sometimes I question the feedback I 'm getting from program participants . Sometimes I question the information I am getting from those who are higher than me on the totem pole of responsibility . This has happened in just about every job I 've held and every organization with which I have interacted . I suspect I am not alone in that . We all have varying perspectives when we are in a group . We have different backgrounds and experiences . We may not voice all our opinions - at least if we are smart , we won 't - but we definitely have them . That 's the dilemma in which I find myself right now . I have some definite opinions about work flow and program issues . Typically I would use this forum to rant about problems . But there are people from both sides of them who read this and I do not want to burn any bridges or alienate any who might be hurt by my opinions . So I am finding stress where I don 't want it ( Now that sounds stupid , doesn 't it ? Do we ever find stress where we want it ? ) But I think maybe you know what I mean . I don 't want the things I do that bring pleasure to also be bringing stress . So I am between the proverbial rock and hard place . Do I voice my opinions and rock the boat ? Or do I keep my mouth shut , which will keep the outer peace though I will feel increased stress , which is a hard place for me to be ? The occasion for the trip was a happy one - after 10 years of waiting , they had finally obtained a house of their own and had decided to have it blessed . When I think about the hard times and sadness they have endured over the past 6 years that we 've known each other ( search the category " Lakota friends " for past stories ) , I think having the house blessed was a really good idea . I had gone expecting a Lakota holy man to bless the house , but apparently summer , with its powwows and other gatherings , was not a good time to " book " one . The task and privilege fell to one of the local Episcopal priests , who had also conducted the funeral for my friend 's daughter a couple of years ago . Much of the rest of the time I was on the reservation was spent sharing stories . I have often thought that a book should be written about my Lakota friend 's life . Although it may be somewhat common to the lives of many on the reservation , it is the story of a woman who has already , in her 30 's , overcome more obstacles in her life than most of us will face in a lifetime . I tell her that if she gives me the stories , I will put them together in a book and the money will be hers since the story is hers . She laughs , but I think she has been considering it more seriously of late . While we were sitting at her dining room table sharing coffee and conversation , I asked her what her earliest memory was . Personally , the early memories I have center around holidays and playing with my younger sister . So I was not prepared for the story she told me . As you read her story , I ask you to ask yourself : What does it do to a person to have this as his / her earliest memory ? Can you put yourself in this picture ? Her earliest memory is an event that occurred when she was about 3 and her sister about 5 . They were at home in their mother 's trailer . The extended family had gathered there - aunts , uncles and some she does not recall . Her mother was 8 months pregnant with her next sister . The adults were all drinking heavily . Apparently that was typical at that time in her mother 's life . Suddenly , and for no reason that a 3 year old could recall , her uncle picked up a huge , old - fashioned butcher knife and stabbed her mother in the back . The knife , which had about a 10 inch blade , had been " slammed about halfway " into the left side of her mother 's back as she and her sister watched . An aunt quickly pushed the 2 girls into a closet to protect them and locked the door from the outside . However , since the trailer was in poor condition as are many rez homes , the closet door was not a snug fit . There was plenty of space between the door and the frame to allow the 2 children to watch what was unfolding in the hallway outside the closet . The girls could see the knife still protruding from their mother 's back as she lay on the floor only feet away . They could see the huge pool of blood forming around their mother . She turned her head and looked straight at them , forming the words " help me " as best she could . My friend clearly remembers her eyes connecting with her mother 's eyes . She also recalls that all of the adults who had been there left , without helping her mother or calling for help . The 2 little girls , who were terrified , threw themselves at the closet door . The door , which was not well made or in good condition , as I noted before , gave way . My friend 's older sister ran and tried to pull the knife out of her mother 's back - but she was too small and the knife was too deep . The girls ran to get a neighbor to help . The neighbor pulled out the knife and called for help . When the police arrived , they arrested the neighbor for the stabbing , in spite of the stories told by both the girls . Although the neighbor was eventually cleared , the uncle was never arrested . The police refused to believe the girls ' story . My friend 's mother was taken to the hospital , where they delivered her baby a month early and worked to save both lives . The baby survived . So did her mother , although it took a long time for her to recover . My friend told me that she once asked her mother to stop wearing tops with thin straps so much . Her mother told her she would wear whatever she wanted to . She didn 't understand that my friend had a reason for asking that of her mother . You see , every time she saw her mother in a tank top or camisole , she could clearly see the huge scar on her mother 's back when her mother turned away . The sight of that scar would tear open the scar on her psyche every time , bringing her back to the night she was a terrified 3 year old . What does it do to a person to have this as his / her earliest memory ? I suspect a psychologist could write a book on that . In all likelihood , in layman 's terms , it would scar the person for life . Can you put yourself in this picture ? In all honesty , I cannot . I gratefully grew up in a home where peace was the rule and verbal arguments the infrequent exception . There was no physical violence . Some of you may have had more experiences with violence as a child . I pray that your first childhood memory is not something this traumatic . 2 Comments » I wish I could have been here to get the call ! But I was out with a friend . I 'm going to tell you what the message said but I do wish you could hear it as I did . There was SO much emotion behind those words . That 's right ! My Lakota friends , who have been on the housing list for a home of their own for longer than I 've known them ( that 's 6 years ) , have finally and officially gotten a house . A home of their own . I called her back right away . They were in the car on the way back from signing the papers . I have never , in the 6 years I 've known her , heard so much joy and excitement in her voice . We talked about where the house is and what her new address will be . She was going to be going through a cell phone " dead zone " ( the rez has many ! ) so we agreed to talk later . The house is half of a duplex in one of the tribal housing areas . They will have 3 bedrooms and space and heat . Not like the house they rented before - that little blue house on the hill I wrote about and showed you pictures of before . Now I don 't want you to think this one will be brand new or even in tip - top shape . I 'm sure it will need work . But it will have running water and an indoor bathroom ! They 'll be able to shower at home rather than at a relative 's house . They will have some privacy . They will not need to rely on relatives for a roof over their heads . She did say one thing that puzzled me then and puzzles me still . She said , " Bee , what did you do ? " I asked her to repeat it because I thought I heard it wrong . But she repeated the same thing . I don 't know why she thought I had anything to do with it ( I didn 't actively do anything that I 'm aware of . ) but she seemed to think I had done something to help . I told her it must be all those prayers I 've sent up over the years finally paying off . They get the keys in a few days . Then they can move in . Right now it 's time to pack what little they have and collect some of the things we gave them when they were in the little blue house from those who had been storing them for the past year or so . I don 't want you to think that this family is now on easy street . They are still unemployed and living under the poverty level . But not being technically homeless is an incredible step that they have long awaited - mostly patiently . The first thing that we saw positive this visit was the land itself . All of our prior visits have been in the fall or winter . This is the first time we have visited in the spring . What a difference a few months can make ! It was green ! I know , it sounds rather simple , but the difference between a green reservation and a brown , dried up reservation is amazing . The green vista was incredibly beautiful . It breathed hope and new life . After seeing the reservation green and blossoming , I understand on a new level why the people who live here would not want to leave . The beauty may not be there on that level all the time , but when you are in tune with the land and the seasons , you know it will return . I encountered Davidica Little Spotted Horse the first time because she had heard of the ONE Spirit program and wanted to know more about it . She cares very deeply about her people , the Lakota people , and wanted to find out if we really did help people on the rez or not . Sadly , there are organizations that say they are helping ( and may on some level mean it ) but who turn out to be divisive in the community . Davidica and her mother , both of whom we met on our visit to the rez , consider themselves " traditional Lakota . " They hold fast and practice the Lakota traditions and values . They pass those ways to their children . Talent and positivity runs through the family like the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon - strong and creative . I am a singer / songwriter from the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation . If I had to describe my lyrics in three words it would be , " heartfelt , personal , and passionate . " My songs are about love , loss , hope , and happiness , I believe these are feelings all human beings deal with . My songs are my connection to my inner self . All of the songs I wrote are about my own life and the two I co - wrote with my brother Isnal - Wica Belt are about his struggles . The song " Aaron 's Song " my brother and I wrote together is for his best friend Aaron Lakota because we wanted to give him a gift for being such an important part of our family and to voice that we understand what he 's going through . I am a singer / songwriter first and foremost I just happen to be native , but more than anything I am a human being . So I humbly give all my songs to humanity no matter what your race because we can all relate to the human condition … life . I 've always had a dream I would leave something behind to make my mark in history for my future descendants . My music is my gift to them . My children are my biggest supporters and the reason I recorded this album . I cherish my children , my extended family and my friends everyday . I am also an artist . My beadwork is another way for me to share my creativity . I put my heart and soul into my work to create the best quality beadwork possible . My traditional beadwork is only Lakota style beadwork and I take tremendous pride in knowing how to make traditional pieces . You are welcome to purchase any of my beadwork that is put up for sale in my " Beadwork " Album in the photo section of my profile . I also accept orders for specific projects . Just message me and I 'll contact you with more details . I had wanted to meet Davidica after our first conversation . She is thoughtful and open to everyone . She is an incredibly giving woman . She has nurtured those same values in her own children . Davidica is a recording artist . That is a remarkable thing for someone living on Pine Ridge Reservation . But she is more than that . She is a strong Lakota woman . She puts those Lakota values into actions - they are not just words for her . She treasures the children - her own and all those on the reservation . It is Davidica who is responsible for the Independence Through Music project becoming a reality . Independence Through Music is a project to identify talented young people on the reservation , to teach them about recording and performing , to teach them about the recording industry and to give them opportunities to become self - sufficient - not only by being performers , but also producers , managers , booking agents , web designers , art designers , etc . . This is not a " The Rez has Talent " contest where talented performers place themselves into the hands of strangers . This is a comprehensive educational experience and an opportunity for young people to grow into careers and futures . We were grateful that Davidica took time out of her day to meet us on a day that was a busy one for her prior to the ITM Concert the next evening . We met at her mother 's home and except for the many calls she received regarding the details of the concert , their attention was on getting to know us . We did not feel like we were being a distraction to their day . We talked about the program , life on the rez , raising children and many other things . It was a very pleasant time . I have not written as much about Davidica 's mother yet because she was not the center of attention . Yet I think she is very much the center of strength in the family . Her deep spirituality and love of her people was very evident . Some lead by the actions rather than many words . This is the way Davidica 's mother leads . I came away feeling it had been a privilege to meet her and wishing we had more time to chat one on one . After leaving these two amazing women , we went to the home of another woman who strength is different . She is not a community leader . She is not even out of her home much . She is not healthy yet she is raising two teenaged daughters . She is raising them well in spite of poverty that almost crushed me when I entered her home . I don 't say that lightly . I have been in many poor homes before on the reservation . But this home weighed on my heart and mind - perhaps even my soul - as none have before . I don 't have pictures to share with you of this home because there was no way I was going to ask this woman if I could photograph her home to share with the world . I was probably not meant to be a news photographer . But I can try to paint it with my words . As we drove up the dirt driveway , which was a hill , we had to avoid a large number of deep ruts that had been formed earlier in the week when the ground had been mud . Straight ahead was a wooden building with a couple of small windows . To our left was a single - stall garage sized building that was or had been used as a shop of some type . A small trailer was behind the shop . We were uncertain which building to go to when we saw someone peek out the window of the building in front of us ( which I will refer to as the house ) . Then a teenaged girl came out to greet us and lead us into the house . Her mother , who was the person I had come to visit , was sitting in a rather worn recliner . But before I introduce you to her , let me describe entering this house . As we entered , there was the smell of animal urine - not extremely strong but definitely there . The interior was dark . The two small windows were partially covered by blankets to help with insulation and privacy . We entered through the kitchen . There was a refrigerator and cook stove . The lack of cabinets meant that the non - perishables they had were stacked on the counter and other available spaces . The kitchen table was a metal table that certainly was made prior to the 1950 's . The kitchen and living room were actually one space , perhaps 10 ' x20 ′ , separated only by the arrangement of furniture . In the living room were the small recliner , an orange plastic chair and a television . In the corner was a pile of several blankets and it made us wonder if this woman slept in the recliner . Her daughter brought the single metal kitchen chair into the living area so we could all sit . In the center of the space was a small wood stove . My parents used wood to supplement their heat and this stove was probably only half the size of my parents . The wood would have to be cut small to fit and the stove would need to be filled often . I recalled that , the first time I had called this woman , she had told me they had a stove but no pipes to vent it . I could see there were pipes now . The stove was so old that I imagined it might have been in use since the 1800 's . Off this main kitchen / living room , there was one bedroom , which had a door with a padlock on it . It was the room her daughters shared and was padlocked when they were gone so none of their things would be stolen . I cannot say how big the room was , but based on the size of the building , it was probably not much bigger than a queen sized mattress . There was an indoor bathroom . This woman was pleasant but had a difficult time talking because she was on oxygen full time . She had been to the doctor 's just the day before for breathing issues . She was due to have a lung scan soon . She also had a difficult time moving around and I will have to assume that the two teenaged daughters must do much of the cooking and cleaning in that home . We left Oglala and drove to Pine Ridge to meet a woman who works with ONE Spirit for dinner at Subway . Of course , there is only one road to get there and it is clogged with road construction . You have to wait for a pilot car to follow through the construction and that wait can be 15 to 20 minutes if your timing is bad . Leave a Comment » Yes , we kicked off our visit to the rez with a road trip . After all , we wouldn 't be doing much driving on the rez , right ? Not ! For the uninitiated , the rez is Pine Ridge Reservation in the southwestern corner of South Dakota . As they say in real estate , it all comes down to location and that is true in this story because the rez is located near nothing . That 's right , really , nothing is close to the rez . . . and of course , nothing on the rez is close to anything else on the rez either . With 2 million acres to spread out , I wouldn 't necessarily want close neighbors myself . Our trip actually began in Hartford , CT the morning of Friday , June 3 when we boarded an early , non - stop ( yes , a miracle ) flight from Hartford to Denver , CO . I continue to be pleasantly surprised by Southwest Airlines . They do need more newer planes , as we discovered on our return flight , but this plane was new , clean and comfy . We arrived in Denver much earlier than you 'd expect - oh that 's right , there was that thing with the time changes . Gaining 2 hours in your day can be helpful . After gathering the baggage , we went to choose a rental car . My husband , the rental car genius , had reserved an SUV that was going to cost us the exorbitant price of $ 20 and change per day . You are not seeing a typo - we had a 2011 Jeep Grand Cherokee for that price . Genius , right ? On one of our stretch breaks , we happened to be passing Carhenge . I did not misspell Stonehenge . Carhenge is a quirky , arty adaptation of the " henge " idea . Located right along County Road 59 in Alliance , NE ( http : / / www . carhenge . com / ) , there is no charge to view the art - there is , however , a shop for snacks and souvenirs , aptly named the " Pit Stop . " It was a good place for a break . It took nearly an hour to reach our motel , the Lakota Prairie Lodge Resort in Kyle . This is in the northeastern part of the reservation . We checked in and settled in , then called our Lakota friends to let them know we had arrived . They are now living in Allen and invited us over . We drove to Allen ( about half an hour ) where we had a wonderful reunion . They are the kind of friends you can pick right up with , even if you haven 't seen them in a year . We finally left about 10 pm , realizing that our bodies thought it was midnight . Since we had to pick them up in the morning to start driving to Salt Lake City , some sleep might be a good idea . Of course , we had gotten one surprise when we arrived that evening . Our original plan had been to take my friend and her husband to visit her daughter who is currently in a treatment facility near Salt Lake City . She had not seen her daughter since Christmas . Salt Lake City is a long way from home for a young Lakota woman . We love my " goddaughter " and know how much she misses her family . She has been through so much in her years , much of which I have written about and won 't repeat here . Suffice to say here that her anger has real roots . We knew our Lakota friends did not have a working car and could not afford to pay someone to borrow a car to drive there or pay for the gas . So we had thought it would be something we could give them , what with the almost free rental car that , by the way , had unlimited mileage . It would be like the honeymoon they never had , room and board paid for as well . So we had thought . Our surprise was that , in addition to our friends , we would be taking her 20 year old daughter and another daughter 's 5 year old son . We had 3 adults and a 5 year old in the back seat . Talk about tight quarters - especially since my friend 's husband is over 6 feet tall and wears 3X shirts . Enough said ? I was particularly concerned over the lack of seat belt use and sort - of held my breath on this whole trip . So grateful my husband is a careful and wary driver . We stayed at Hampton Inns on this part of the journey . Good prices and good accommodations . They 5 year old particularly enjoyed the pool every evening - a rare treat for a rez kid . Our first stop was Casper , WY . Some might dare to drive the 12 hours in one long ride , but this gal , having fibromyalgia , knows her limits . 6 hours sitting in one place in a car or twisting around to converse with the folks in the back seat is plenty for this body . We arrived at South Jordan , UT on Sunday , June 5 , in time for a visit with my " goddaughter . " It was a tearful reunion for mother and daughter . I stood back and observed , not wanting to insert myself into what was an intimate and private moment . I looked at my " goddaughter " - she 'd grown since I 'd seen her last . She will be 16 years old in July and is starting to look like a young woman . She looked healthy and beautiful . Some of the stories she told were less than pretty , though . When you are living in a center for troubled youth , many things can occur - fights , bullying , etc - that the staff cannot always control . But she is working hard to learn what she needs to and hopes to be home soon . I pray she succeeds . Monday morning , June 6 , we returned to the center for a final visit . Then midday , we had to leave to return to the rez . Although the initial reunion had been tearful , the leave - taking was stoic . Not easy , to be sure ! But strong in a way I have seen many Lakota people endure difficulty . We stayed in Rawlins , WY on the way back to the rez , then completed the trip back to Allen , SD on Tuesday , June 7 . The return trip always seems to pass by faster , regardless of where we travel . That certainly was the case here . After we dropped our friends off in Allen , we still had about an hour to drive to get back to the hotel we would stay in for the remainder of our vacation . Allen , as I said , is in the northeastern part of the rez and our hotel at the Prairie Wind Casino and Resort is just west of Oglala , in the southwestern corner of the rez . If you could drive directly from one to the other , it would be a diagonal - the hypotenuse of the triangle , which we former math teachers know is the shortest distance . But there is no road that does that . As they say in Maine , " You can 't get they - ah from he - ah . " At least not directly . We finally checked in to the hotel . People who want to travel to the rez often ask me about accommodations . Choices are minimal . There are a couple of bed and breakfasts - which I have not tried yet . There is the motel in Kyle and the hotel at the Casino . I have written about the motel in Kyle before . This was our first stay at the Casino . The decor and bed were excellent . The bathroom was . . . well , amusing . The plumbing in the shower had been installed upside down and backwards somehow . Typically , to turn on the shower , the lever arm is attached at the top of the regulator and is lifted to turn on the water . In this shower , it was attached at the bottom of the regulator , was already in the lifted position and had to be pushed in to turn on the water . It was a bit like learning a foreign language . Amusing . The water is very soft and it takes quite a while to feel that you 've rinsed off the soap or shampoo properly . Of course , that is only in part due to the soft water . It is also due to the very low water pressure from the showerhead . Between the soft water and low pressure , I 'm sure it took me 3 times longer to shower than it usually does - which sort of defeats the purpose of water conservation , don 't you think ? It was a good night 's sleep that night , however . After I stopped feeling like I was still rolling down the road in the car . Strange feeling to be stopped after so many miles on the road . |
I didn 't find it that hard to find a place to live . Apparently people don 't want live near the top of an apartment building when there is no elevator . I chose an old apartment in London as my home for the moment , living in a muggle area . Needless to say my parents were very surprised I had actually gone through with my plans . I had no experience in anything muggle . But it was the best way to get independent . The rent was doable and the size of my flat was small . The one thing I loved was that it had a fireplace and large windows . Yes it was a one person flat , but it was pleasant to live in . Job - wise I wasn 't really sure . My parents were backing me up financially , but they did say I had two years to figure something out before I was cut off . I was trying to decide as to where I would want to work . I applied for a few small things here and there : some at the Ministry in the International Department and Transfiguration Departments , two shops in Diagon Alley , and then I applied to a muggle School of Architecture as a student . I wasn 't even sure what that was really about and it was a tad random but there had been students on the street as I was walking by that were letting people apply for free so I thought I 'd give it a shot . A few weeks went by before I heard anything . The Ministry Departments I had applied for informed me that they were not hiring at the moment and to try again at a different time . Out of the two shops , only one contacted me back saying they didn 't need employers ; the other didn 't even bother replying . I got accepted to the muggle university though and I thought about it seriously for a few days before I decided to do it . Risk something , why not ? I spent the summer wandering around London trying to pick up non - wizard vocabulary . I read up on architecture and what was supposed to only be a twenty minute jaunt into the library turned into a five hour one . Yes I decided to do it on a whim , but the applications of it fascinated me the more I read about it . It would be interesting to combine magic and architecture . I visited the wizarding library to get more books about it and discovered that since it combined so many different forms of magic , it simply couldn 't be labeled under one . In other words , it was right up my alley . I decided to take it one step further and talked to a wizarding architect company . They said that the muggle education would give me a step up over other applicants if I ever applied ; wizards were usually too snobby to go to any schools by muggles . The muggle school taught the essentials very well for aspiring young architects . The owner of the company even said that this school might teach it a tad bit better than a wizarding one would . If I did one year at the muggle school and one year at a wizarding school then I would be all set for a career , not counting my apprenticeship . The one thing I couldn 't figure out was one of the boxes beside the fridge . I figured out it timed something because it would count down from whatever numbers I pressed and because it was in the kitchen I deduced that it had something to do with food . I just really couldn 't figure it out . Every time I tried to open it when it was on , it shut off . When I put some food in , it started a fire . So I just covered it with a cloth and ignored it . I was too afraid to ask any neighbours about it . It seemed like such a simple device and I didn 't want them to suspect me . The trip up to the eighth floor tired me every time I traversed it . I was shocked by how quickly I lost my athleticism from school . I started running in the mornings or afternoons , doing a few laps around the park before making my way back to my place . I was content . I had established some sort of routine for me , had a vague idea about where I wanted to be in the future and I was living as a mature , responsible adult . It was a different life than what I was used to , but it improved me . I was not like the people who I hung around with in school , who were going out every weekend and living with their parents still . Granted , it was just after graduation , but they had no goals for themselves for which I was sad about . I had a feeling that we would never hang out again ; me growing up , and them acting like spoilt teenagers . I don 't know if I was envious or not . Even though I was piecing a life together I felt like something was missing in my life , something I couldn 't name and they couldn 't replace . Something important . It happened one evening when I had just cleaned up the supper dishes and was sitting in front of empty fireplace - for it was still summer - drinking tea and reading one of my books from the library . I suddenly heard a thump from outside my door , silence for a moment , and then a few more thumps . I heard a yell of , ' damnit ! A la vache ! Merde ! ' and then there was an insistent knocking at my door . It sounded like someone was kicking it with the intent to break it open . I got up uneasily , not sure if I should open the door or not . The kicking became more insistent so I opened the door , my wand hidden but at the ready just in case . I don 't know who was more surprised , Rose Weasley or I . I was surprised - first of all because it was her out of all things , and second of all because there was blood all over her hands . She had a bloody nose . One of her hands was pinching the bridge of her nose and the other was underneath her chin trying to pool the blood that was falling and stop it from getting on the ground or her clothes . She stared at me in shock and I looked at her stunned . She spoke first . She kind of shrugged her shoulders as if to say ' it 's obvious , please let me in ' and I opened the door wider and let her in directing her to where she needed to go . I noticed a bunch of books lying on the floor by the door and picked them all up and set them on my counter . There were lots of them and they were surprisingly heavy . I wondered how she got them up to the eighth floor without magic . I then put the tea kettle back on , for it was the least I could do . I heard water running and then she came out a few minutes later all cleaned up . She continued to hold some tissue to her nose though , to stop the bleeding . She gave me a shy smile and said , ' thanks . ' ' No problem . Would you like some tea ? ' I said easily and she nodded as I pulled out a chair for her . Then an awkward silence descended . I was hoping that something would happen , anything - why couldn 't I start a conversation for heaven 's sake ? Then she started to laugh . That was the first time I ever heard her laugh and it gave me jitters in my stomach . It was so fresh , musical , and contagious . I gave a few chuckles too , marveling at her . ' Ah , sorry for laughing . This is just so unexpected . The whole past ten minutes have been unreal it seems ! So , Scorpius Malfoy , what have you been up to since we ended school two months ago ? ' ' Hmmm , well I was at home with my parents and I decided I needed to move out and live by myself for once . So , I started looking for an apartment and there was a room open on the tenth floor that was really cheap . I was just moving in today before school gets going pretty quick . ' ' Ermm , pediatrics I guess . They offer a wizarding course in a university around this area of London through St . Mungo 's . But I might also do rehabilitation . Who knows ! ' she said . Then continued cheerfully , ' are you doing school or working ? Or just living ? ' ' I 'm doing school . . . I will be going to a muggle university to study architecture , ' I said a little nervously . I didn 't know what she would think of that . She didn 't look surprised at my answer though , just thoughtful . We continued talking easily about our summers and our hopes for the future . There were no more awkward silences , conversation just flowed smoothly . Finally she said she had to be going . To my surprise , she blushed a little . ' Well , I was carrying all those books and I must admit they were rather heavy so I was stopping after each level for a rest . It was honestly frustrating me . Well , I got up this far and then the stairs ended ! And that door was in the way - I assume I have to cross over to the other side of the building to get to the top two levels - yeah ? So odd . Anyway I pushed it open with my back probably harder than I needed to and then I turned around quickly and ran into that wall because I didn 't realize it was so close . If I wasn 't frustrated , it probably wouldn 't have happened . But alas , it did . ' Even more curiously she blushed more and then said somewhat reluctantly , ' weeelll , I don 't like swearing but sometimes something just needs to come out . So I ' swear ' in other languages so nobody knows what I 'm saying . It 's usually French or German , but they aren 't bad swears , just harmless small ones . ' ' Oh no , I 'm almost there . Besides I will feel very accomplished when I get up there . Going up and down the stairs will be very easy after this , ' she said with a big smile . I piled the books into her open arms and opened the door for her . ' Thanks again for letting me barge in here . I hope I didn 't disturb anything important . Don 't be a stranger , and I shan 't either . ' I assured her I would come see her tomorrow and then she was gone . I skipped to my bedroom in elation and jumped on my bed . What knocked me back into my senses was that I overjumped it and landed on the floor . As I laid there in momentary agony , I reflected that maybe , just maybe I fancied her a bit - just a tiny bit . Oh , but I made her laugh a few times , and smile . Gosh she had a beautiful smile . She showed me how to work the microwave . Apparently tinfoil didn 't go in the microwave . I felt a little stupid but just shrugged it off , for I had guessed fairly closely . Strangely , or not strangely at all , Rose and I became good friends . We 'd eat meals together and walk in the park . Sometimes we would study together and sometimes we would go for a run together . We could sit in front of the fire drinking tea in silence but equally spend an evening laughing so hard our stomachs hurt . She stopped over a lot on her way up and down from her flat . I always made random excuses to go see her , like I had no sugar , or milk , or needed to know the spelling of a word . Another excuse was that I wanted to borrow a book , or needed her to test me on something . I couldn 't even remember what I had done for the two months when she wasn 't here for we spent so much time together now . When we would eat meals together sometimes our knees would gently brush or we would reach for something at the same time and both pull back really quick . She always blushed and got shy . She took me to an outdoor folk festival and we danced together , twirling and laughing into the evening . She fell asleep on my lap once when we were studying and I lightly stroked her hair away from her face . I had never felt that way before , with anyone . We fit together so nicely . I felt like a whole different person when I was with her . It was hard to believe that I was who I was , and that I had just graduated school . I was only 18 ! Months passed and eventually we found ourselves at Christmas . White snow blanketed the Earth and our fireplaces became an essential when we discovered another reason why rent had been so cheap : only the first five floors had heat . Rose and I would layer ourselves up in multiple pairs of socks and jumpers and sit in front of a roaring fire with books lain out around us for school . With the companionship , the cold was no problem . It was hard to imagine me living in the apartment without Rose upstairs . If she hadn 't come along I probably would have moved home when the cold first hit . ' This is all your fault ! I 'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow at all . I probably have frostbite in my toes too . Running in winter is crazy ! I can 't believe you manage to drag me outside every time ! ANd my glasses are fogging up again . Something is wrong with me ! ' I chuckled . Every time we went running , she said that . But I knew she liked the challenge and exhilaration of it . She stopped on the stairs and sat down for a moment . I took her glasses off her face and wiped them off , putting them gently back on afterwards so I could see her eyes . She shook her head at me . ' I 'm serious Scorp , I 'm dying . I just need a break for a second . I think I pulled a muscle when I slipped on the ice . ' She rolled her eyes . ' For you , superhuman , but I have five more . I think I 'm going to die right here ! ' she said dramatically and then she leaned back on the stairs breathing heavily and shut her eyes . Well what could I do ? I sat next to her and relaxed too for a moment . We were both breathing fairly heavily . ' A la vache . That 's nasty . Come on lazy bones . Hot chocolate is calling my name . ' She reached out her hand and helped me up . To my surprise she didn 't let go as she led the way up the remainding staircases . ' Pardon me ? Lazy bones ? You are the one who wanted to rest in the first place ! ' I said laughing again and she gave me a grin . She deposited me off at my apartment with the promise that I would come up after I showered . I made it up in no time at all and was knocking at her door , but that was more for courtesy than anything . I entered before she had time to respond . She had a towel wrapped around her head and was busy brewing some hot chocolate at the stove . I noticed she was wearing one of my jumpers and I couldn 't stop staring at her in happiness because of that simple fact . I sat down at the table . I shook my head at her as I went to her room and grabbed it . I liked her wearing my jumpers ; it was almost as if she was wearing a piece of me . A photograph caught my attention and I picked it up and looked at it . She poured out our drinks and shrugged . ' Well probably something with my family . Christmas day we all go to the Burrow usually . It is quite a fiasco . Why ? ' she asked with a curious smile as she pulled the towel off her head and shook out her wet hair . Her hair was a few inches below her shoulders now but still very curly . ' Do you want to . . . come over for a day - to meet my parents , or just for a supper when exams are finshed . You know . . . if you were interested . . . at all . . . ' I lost confidence the longer I talked and so I shut up , almost sorry I said anything at all . That settled it . When I told my parents about it they just raised their eyebrows . My dad asked me whose kid she was . When I told him he held a hand over his heart and grimaced . He groaned , ' don 't say that to me . I 'm going to need a week now before I will be able to see the young lady . First muggle London and now a Wealsey ? ' He walked away muttering and I heard him say , ' this will not end well . Him marrying a Weasley , why I never . ' Even though it didn 't seem like it , my dad had been in excellent humour . I brought Rose over a few days later and he acted with the perfect amount of decorum to her . She even made him spit up his pork in laughter with something she said . My mom winked at me when we were leaving and whispered , ' bring her over again . ' We went to her home the next night . It was Christmas Eve and the house was decorated up in all its Christmas glory . It was just her immediate family . I met her Dad , her Mom , and her younger brother Hugo . Her dad seemed to take an instant dislike to me but Hugo instantly took to me . He was in his sixth year at Hogwarts and was animatedly talking about Quidditch . He seemed very interested in what I was taking in school : architecture . ' I 'm not sure . I will just make plans of the buildings or structures and give it to the workers or companies . Probably supervise the work site and I would probably do some final touches too , if things need to be changed or adjusted a bit . ' I laughed thinking how I used to gaze with wonder up at Hogwarts in my first few years there . ' Umm , yes potentially I guess . Though I don 't think castles are that high in demand at this point , and it would be a huge project to undertake . ' ' That is really cool . Well sis , he is alright in my books , ' Hugo said cheerfully to Rose with a slap on her back . Rose turned bright red and mumbled , ' we are just friends Hugh . ' That stung a bit . Yes , technically we were friends , really good friends . By the way we acted ; I always forgot that it was only friends . I never said the word out loud , hoping I could deny the truth of the matter . But I couldn 't deny it anymore . I wanted more than friends . I wanted to hold hands with her and kiss her . It was kind of sad that it took a comment from her younger brother to make me realize it . I loved her and I needed to act soon . The angry glare her father was giving me would probably turn into a death glare if I had anything to say about it . We eventually made our leave way . Her dad asked to speak to me before we left , in private . I got nervous and Rose shot a calculated glance at her father but then nodded to him . He pulled me into his bedroom and shut the door . ' We are just friends . ' I blurted out before he could say anything , my heart thumping . My thoughts from a few minutes ago instantly disappeared as he regarded me coolly . I was afraid for my life at that moment . I stared at him in shock as he continued , ' now I know that me saying this to you seems very out of place but you know what ? I have heard Rose laugh more tonight than in the past four years . She has been through a lot and maybe , no matter how much I try not to like you , maybe you are just what she needs . So . . . just . . . be . . . careful . I was very adamant against this in the start , but now , now I 'm not too sure . ' He got up . ' That is exactly what I need . Now off you go , I 'm sure Rose is waiting patiently at the porch , waiting to interrogate you . I 'll get myself a drink . ' I joined Rose as she stood there all bundled up in her winter clothes . We had apparated from my apartment but since Ron and Hermione had lots of anti - apparation wards around their place we had to walk a ways out before disapparating . We said our goodbye 's , Rose telling them she would go directly to the Burrow tomorrow morning . Ron saluted us with his newly filled wine glass as Hermione waved , but Hugo was disappointed . ' Rose , you 're not going to be here on Christmas ? But it is tradition that I jump on you in the morning ! Who is going to wake you up otherwise ? ' ' I assure you I won 't be late silly goose ! And who knows , maybe I will make a detour here first and be the one to wake you up ! Change the traditions a bit , you know . ' We started walking in a comfortable silence through the cold . The sky was clear and the air nipped our cheeks . There were so many stars in the sky it seemed like we were on another planet ; in a different time , different place . It was beautiful . My hand automatically reached out to grip Rose 's and we walked hand in hand over the hill . We reached our destination and just stood there watching our breath disappear on the cold air . I turned to her and gently brushed my free hand against her cheek . Her skin tinged pink but she didn 't say anything ; just looked at me steadily with the same eyes that looked at me in fourth year . There was less sadness in them , but they were still calm , intense , and intelligent . This time however , there was something else in them too . Something I knew that was in mine , that had actually been in them for a really long time . I tucked her red hair behind her ear and leaned down , touching my lips to hers . It was like a breath of fresh air . Our lips were cold from the cool air as we kissed beneath the stars . After what seemed like eons , we drew apart and she rested her head on my chest . We apparated back to my flat and amidst more kisses we eventually undressed from our winter things . More kisses later , our lips were numb and our hair a mess . She started unbuttoning my shirt as I gently steered us to my bed . Later that night we lay twined together on my mattress . I gently twirled a strand of her hair around my fingers as I watched her beautiful sleeping face . My heart felt like it would burst with emotion as I slowly succumbed to the night 's whispers . Four months later Rose sold her flat . She practically lived at mine and she always complained about the extra flights of stairs anyway . My friends who had mysteriously been avoiding me the past months popped over a few times just to express how stupid I was to get involved with her , and how young . Thing was though that I didn 't feel young . I felt right , I felt complete . I knew the day would come when I would outgrow my school friends . I didn 't even care , good riddance to them . They didn 't see it in me ; they didn 't realize how my life had changed . They still saw the same arrogant youngster who was trying to fit in . It was a week later that I noticed something . . . off about Rose . She would spend lots of time looking out the window staring at nothing in particular and was extra fidgety . Since we were nearing the end of our first year of school we had exams coming up . We were back into our old routine : studying with our papers all over the floor , the fireplace on , and our ever present mug of hot tea . Rose cleared her throat and I looked up at her in a question as she started talking slowly . ' Scorpius . Tomorrow I won 't be going to school , ' she started off and then pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them . I had a sudden flashback to when we were in sixth year . She sat the same way in that broom closet . ' I have . . . I have somewhere I need to go . It 's somewhere important , and every April 3rd I go there . But this year I was wondering if you would like to come with me . It 's not something very happy , but it is something that changed my life so much that I think you need to know about it , ' she finished , looking at the ground . I couldn 't bear to have the space between us . I scooted over to her and wrapped my arms around her , lightly kissing her forehead and telling her I would be there for her . She awkwardly moved to my lap and laid her head on her shoulder . I wasn 't sure what the next day would bring . The winter had been especially long this year . Even though it was April there was some snow lightly falling as we walked into the cemetery in the early morning of the next day . I was surprised at our destination but didn 't say anything , even as Rose 's hand got tighter around mine . She was carrying flowers we had picked up on the way . She had noticed my silent question in the cemetery about them but just shook her head as she pulled me along , row after row . The snow crunched around our feet and the fog made it hard to see very far . I was a tiny bit spooked but didn 't say anything . Rose eventually stopped walking and looked down at a tombstone . She gently brushed it off and a name appeared : Grace Theresa O ' Neale . Her birthdate was the exact same as Rose 's but the death date was five years ago . There was a quote beneath that I recognized immediately . Rose kneeled down to lay the flowers on the partially frozen earth and then stood up again beside me . The first sentence she uttered was so quiet I wasn 't sure she even said it , but then her voice got louder . ' She was my best friend up until fourth year . We were neighbours and every summer we would play together outside , walk to each other 's houses through the fields , and swim in the ponds . Hugo joined us lots of the time and we always had the best of times ; there was so much laughter and love whenever we were all together . She was practically my twin . Well , we always pretended that we were twins because we had been born on the exact same day within one hour of each other . She was a muggle though and didn 't know about me being a witch . ' It was hard being friends when I started going to Hogwarts because I couldn 't say stories about anything that happened during the year . Summertime came each year and she would have lots of hilarious stories about what she had done and I could only smile and laugh , for I couldn 't share anything , the secret was too big . It was the only thing I hated about being a witch . Oh , we both had long red hair too . That was another reason why we pretended we were twins . I had more freckles than her though and I was taller but otherwise we were similar in so many ways . ' ' It happened in third year in the first weekend of April . It was my cousin Victoire 's wedding and so my whole family was excused from school for a few days . She was over at my house talking animatedly about one of the adventures she had had at school the past week . I wasn 't paying attention though , witches and wizards were coming in and out , and magic was everywhere . Mum told me that she was expecting an owl from my aunt Fleur and so I was trying to watch for it in case I had to take Grace out of the room . I was on guard the whole time , very paranoid and not paying attention to Grace because I had to keep this big secret from her . She got mad at me then . She asked why we were even friends anymore if it was just a one sided conversation all the time and I acted like I didn 't care about our friendship . She thought I had become stuck up at boarding school . We called each other not very nice names and then she left in a fit of rage . Oh I was so mad . I had taken my anger out on her , but I was really mad at the stupid wizarding laws , the government , and my parents for the stupid rules we lived by . I was mad that I couldn 't say anything . ' I realize now that I could have , and should have said something but then I didn 't even think of it . I was thirteen and my parents wanted me to wait until I was seventeen before I made an important decision like that . That night we were invited to my aunt 's and uncle 's house for supper . I was still mad at Grace but I was excited to see my relatives . They were a noisy lot and we had such fun being hooligans . I could easily forget Grace and our conversation there . Before we were about to leave though , Grace called me and said she was sorry . ' I wasn 't though ; if she had waited ' till the next day I probably wouldn 't have been as mad . But that anger had kept a hold of me . I had such a biting temper when I was younger . I told her we weren 't twins anymore and if she thought I was stuck up then she could just leave me alone forever . Again I called her horrible , mean names . Later that night , we got a call . Grace had snuck out of the house and gone to hang out with some of her muggle friends . The driver lost control of the vehicle they were in and they had all died instantly . ' My last words to her were mean and spiteful ; I had been a hateful child when she tried to say sorry . I then cut off my long red hair ; I didn 't deserve to be her twin anymore . She had tried fixing things with me even though it was me who was in the wrong , but I had snubbed her . She wasn 't the type of person to sneak out . Ever . So I partially blamed myself for what happened and it just broke my heart . ' At school I watched everyone around me . Perhaps it was some form of depression but I didn 't want to talk to anyone ; there was a huge hole in my heart and I had nothing to say . I didn 't think I had any anger left in me , I promised myself that I would never get mad again but then a little bit later I saw something that made me forget that . ' There were two girls whom I knew were friends that were yelling in the girls ' toilet at each other . I saw them and immediately thought of me and Grace . I marched right in there and splashed them both with water . Oh , I gave them a telling they wouldn 't believe . They were older than me but I spoke so fiercely and so strongly that they just stared in shock . I told them that they shouldn 't call each other names for it always cut deeper than anyone realized . They should cherish the friendship they had , for you never know if that person will be gone from your life the next day . I walked out of there and I realized that I felt a little better . Even though that time I had done it in anger , I realized that helping people might be a way to fill the gaping hole in my heart . ' I started to do odd little things . I started talking to the students who didn 't have many friends . I started tutoring them a bit when they had questions about school assignments . When people dropped things I helped them pick it up , when someone tripped I helped them up , when I heard someone call someone else a name I told them not to do that . ' One of the biggest things I did was when I found a letter on the ground one day . It was to a girl who was two years above me . The letter was from her father and it was about how he couldn 't afford a broom for her because they needed to buy essentials for all of her siblings at home still . Her father said he was so terriby sorry and the letter was so touching . I noticed that there were teardrop stains on it and decided I had to do something . I wrote home and told my parents what my plan was and they sent me my broom . I polished it up as best as I could and then placed it in the broom shed for her , with a little note . ' I visited students in the hospital wing and took tea to my dormmates when they was sick . I did a bunch of other things too , trying to heal that hole . Then I found a quote in a book I was reading , ' everyone knows that the drop emerges into the ocean , but few know that the ocean emerges into the drop . ' Grace 's parents wrote to me and asked if there was something that I wanted on the tombstone . I told them the quote and they understood and put it there . . . ' We graduated . I felt that I just needed to leave the familiar and go somewhere else to experience whatever I could . There were so many sad and happy memories at home , I felt I was losing ground with that hole was that was always threathening to get bigger . I needed to make happy memories elsewhere too . Then I remembered that Grace and I always talked about getting an appartment together in London after school so I decided to do that . ' And , so , there lies the tale of Rose Weasley , ' she finished , finally turning to me and looking at me . ' How she turned from a menace to a person who cared . You are now the only person who knows the whole story ; it is something I had never been able to share before , never wanted to share before . ' She finished and looked at me . She had tried smiling when she said her last sentence but it didn 't really work . I calmly looked at her , not entirely sure what to say . She had stopped crying but her eyes were still red . I took a hesitant step towards her and said , ' as Grace changed who you were , you have changed me in so many ways as well . I know it was hard to share your story but they always say that sharing is the first form of healing . But don 't forget that I 'm always here for you , no matter what , no matter when . ' She flung herself into my arms . I caught her and just held her as another storm of tears came . When she stopped crying she stepped back , wiping her eyes on her scarf . She smiled . ' Yes , because of you . Although that hole in my heart will never be repaired , you have healed it so much more than I ever thought possible . ' ' They were our favourite flowers and even though the plant dies , the seeds don 't . When the snow melts , these flowers are the first to bloom in the spring , and they spread . I have always visited the cemetery once in the summertime . The ground is awash in bluebells and it just gives me peace of mind . It truly is an amazing sight . There is purple everywhere . ' We went for afternoon tea at the houses for both her sets of grandparents . Her grandma Weasley decided that a blue Christmas jumper would go wonderfully with my blonde hair and grey eyes . Her other grandparents bombarded us with sugar - free baking and socks . She took me to the Potters and we played a big game of four - on - four Quidditch outside in their backyard . Hugo came with us for backup because Rose said the Potter kids were very unpredictable . They warned me about the spiked desert Lily made and Hugo stood up for me when James took some jabs at me . They accepted me though because they saw the evidence of how Rose and I were together . One summer we went to France when her Aunt Fleur and Uncle Bill were visiting there . She already knew French but they taught it to me as we laid in the sun and ate berries from the trees . We tried coffee for the first time with her cousins in cafés and strolled down cobblestoned paths in old cities , admiring the buildings and art . We also decided that we didn 't like coffee that much and were going to stick with tea . We went for supper above Weasley 's Wizarding Wheezes where her Uncle George and Aunt Angelina lived . She tried to save me from pranks befalling me , but in the end we were outsmarted and both left with our skin stained blue . She said it was inevitable , that was just who they were . After that second winter we decided to move out and find ourselves a home . We had had enough of freezing in the wintertime and of the really small space only designed for one . We moved to the countryside of Bookham . The land was empty but I designed a home for us , knowing exactly how it should be to fit us both . After it was built , we had a small two bedroom cottage with a big fireplace and large windows . Rose decided she loved our new home too much to stay in London while she had school . She flooed every day to her classes . I became integrated into her family in all ways but one . When I proposed , it wasn 't announced before a grand audience or in a fancy restaurant . It was as we took a twilight walk on Christmas Eve under the stars . There were only the sounds of the night and the rustling trees as she whispered a yes to me . We had a long engagement . It wasn 't until she had finished school that a wedding date was set . With some few close friends who we had met through school and work , and our families , we got married at our house after I landscaped the backyard into something natural and beautiful . The ceremony was very quiet and quaint , but afterwards it turned into a big celebration and party . Her family does certainly know how to have fun . Our dad 's and James all tried to outdrink one another , while our moms shook their heads and asked themselves why they had married them again . But it was all in good fun . There were a few small food fights when Rose had pushed my face into the wedding cake . It was a happy affair and full of love . After talking about it a few times , we decided that kids were something we would like to have in the future . We were financially secure , had a home and reliable jobs . We were ready for the next step in life . Looking back it is hard to believe how I had been when I was younger . I couldn 't imagine life without Rose and I was so thankful that we both had found ourselves in that old apartment right out of Hogwarts . Perhaps our story was chance , or perhaps it it was fate , but life happened and we had lived it the best we could . Rose and I were going to grow old together . I just knew it . All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent . This is an unofficial , not for profit site , and is in no way connected with J . K . Rowling , Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros . It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties . Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied . The use of photographs and / or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind . Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use . 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~ ~ ~ INTRO ~ ~ ~ Valor Academy . . . a place where most of the students would love to be . Well , most of the extraordinary ones . Those ones who sometimes preffer dark from light . Yes , it is believed that this place is wicked . Moreover , that students in VA are different . Yet , every adult in the town respect those young people for there is something about them that just asks for esteem . Nowadays , there are 500 students at the school . You wouldn 't try to see difference between them because they wear the same uniform - for boys it is black blazer with golden rims , white shirt with black tie , black trouser and shoes of the same color ; girls wear the same but with skirts . However , half of scholars know that under the mask of ordinary they really are . . . supernatural . In fact , they are vampires . Every year , when new students are being accepted to the academy , it is carefully calculated the ratio of humans to vampires so that there would always be equal halfs . This year wasn 't different at all . Vampires came in knowing what their future holds . Humans were just dreaming of it . Yes , it is true that they are victims for noone told them what will happen once they walk under the entrance gate of VA . Nonetheless , the school year has started and newcomers are settling down , some of them are already taken . . . Damien stormed out of the main entrance of the school . He wasn 't infuriated in particular but yes , he wanted to punch him so badly that for his own good , he left . Being one of the olders without a human to feed himself was a bit strange because all of his classmates already had one since their first day in the academy . However , Damien couldn 't find the best suitable human for himself . All of them were so shallow . They couldn 't talk about anything sensible . He passed a group of girls not noticing how they looked at him . Any other day he would be aware of the stir his appearance made in girl 's circles , but at this moment he just wanted to be as far as he could . His steps brought him to a large schoolyard with a fountain in the middle . Marching towards it , Damien had already decided to sit on the rim , his back towards the school . ' What the hell he thinks about himself ? ! ' a furious thought ran through his mind . He could still hear his rival 's caustic comments , they all were telling him that he should quit his celibate and satisfy his desires . Damien clenched his fists . He knew , he should do as they said but he couldn 't . Raising his head , he looked around once more assuring himself that all those humans couldn 't satisfy his hunger . Not even his vampire peers could understand . It wasn 't his hunger for blood , if he wanted to he would bite the boy sitting on the bench with a book in his hands . Damien wanted more . He didn 't yearn for pathetic companion who would offer his neck whenever Damien would insist . He craved after someone who he could talk to . Someone who would be more then just a food . Yes , that was another reason why most of his classmates were laughing at him . A sigh escaped Damien 's lips and he stood up , stretching his hands towards the sky . After all , he would have to suffer this until he would finish the academy and leave . Truly enough , it was going to be long time till that would happen , but Damien had been through worse than that . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Anna arrived at the school a bit later than everyone else . She had gone to another school untill this year when she suddenly needed to transfer school . She walked out of the taxi that had taken her there , she looked mesmerized up on the school . It was bigger than the last school and looked really oldfashioned . But it suited her gothic style so she was really found of it . She already had her uniform on , she had changed in to it before she had left the house . Anna took her things and walked threw the gates thinking that this would be as boring as her old school , if she only knew how wrong she was . She looked around as she walked closer to the school , and when she came close to the fountain she saw a guy stretching his hand towards the sky . He seemed a bit sad , not sad , but lonely , Anna couldn 't figure out what it looked like he was , but he didn 't look fine in any way . But he was beautiful , almost mesmerizing . " Are you okay ? " She asked the guy when she were only a couple of steps away from him . His skin was pale , but not sickly pale , just beautiful pale . # 2 Damien looked in the direction of the voice . In a long time , she was the first girl to speak to him directly without stattering . He moved his eyes from the sky at the girl not answering at first just looking at her . His eyes were unreadable as well as his expression was yet inside he was confused . He felt like he met her before , something was so familiar about this little creature . No matter how hard Damien tried durin those few seconds , he couldn 't remember . So after all he said to himself that he probably saw her in town . . . somewhere . " Yes , I am , " was his answer . He put his hands in his pockets and looked around . Now he noticed all other girls that were whispering something to each other and secretly pointing at him and the girl . Then he got it . She was probably a newcomer as well and he saw her photo in the file all vampires were given . Well , all those who didn 't have a human partner . A little frown appeared on his face but as quickly as it appeared it also vanished . " You 're new here , right ? " he asked her and for the first time his eyes traveled from the top of her head down to her heels and back . She had really delicate body , nice curves . Yes , she would be wanted amongst the others though Damien couldn 't decide whether that was good for her or not . " What is your name ? " Damien added once he was done with his examination . He felt several eyes sinking into his back and he guessed that he was watched from one the windows but he didn 't care to turn around and try to figure out who it was for he probably knew . He shifted his weigth from one leg to another , once more meeting his eyes with the girl 's . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Anna noticed how the guy looked at her from top to bottom and back , like he was examinating her . Somehow it both irritated Anna but still made her a bit happy . Then he asked about her name , wasn 't that a bit rude ? " Haven 't anyone teached you to first introduce yourself before asking someone elses name ? " She said a bit teasingly " Where are your manner , young man " she continued as a joke and laughed a bit . " Yes I 'm new , I 'm Anna . . . Anna Blue , and you are ? " She asked and reached out her hand to shake his . Damien raised his eyebrow at first . Manners ? Was this younling trying to give him a lecture ? As he wasn 't in a mood of some human being to teach him how he should behave , his first thought was to turn around and leave the girl behind . That would be rude . However , as she chuckled , Damien eased . He should calm down at once because his nerves were still straightened from the quarrel he had few minutes ago . Damien looked to be only six years old , in terms of human age . He was sitting in the park where his carrer took him . His parents never went with him or played with him at all . They had to much work to do . Basically , the only time he could see them was dinner . For six - year - old it was hard spending the time alone without any friends . So his carrer got the idea to take him to the park so that Damien could meet with others kids . No matter how good the plan was , Damien never got involved in any game . Not that he wouldn 't want to but he didn 't make any attempt himself . God knew how he also looked to the other kids . This day was the same as the other . Children were playing all around . Everyone was dressed in warm clothes because winter almost took over the city . Damien 's carrer went to buy some hot drinks so that both of them would keep warm . The little boy looked up to the sky as he usually did when he was thinking . The sky was calming sensation for him . It was vast and lonely as he was . " Aren 't you gonna play some game ? " he heard a little voice next him . A voice that certainly didn 't belong to his carrer . Damien quickly glanced at the direction only to discover that there was a girl sitting next to him . As he wasn 't used to be in presence of any other child , the first thing he did was that he moved to the other side of the bench , away from the girl . His eyes a little bit wide in surprise . The girl only chuckled . It was a joyful sound . " Are you scared ? " she asked and giggled once more . However , for Damien it was like the girl was laughing at him . His expression stiffened and he lifted up his chin a little bit . " No , I am not scared , " he said in a hurt voice . The girl didn 't react anyhow , she was just watching him . When Damien thought that her gaze began to be annoying and was about to tell her off for that . She moved closer again . Yes , Damien wanted to move away once more but he couldn 't if he didn 't want to fall off . What was that ? he asked himself eventhough he knew that what has just happened was a flashback . However , it was something he didn 't experience before . Actually , before it wasn 't that . . . powerful . He noticed that she was reaching out with her hand . Shaking it gently , he answered : " Nice to meet you Anna . " Letting go of her hand , Damien hesitated a little bit longer whether he should mention his name or not . His uncertainty was based on the feeling he got during the flashback . It was a feeling of protection , though he wasn 't sure whether he was feeling protected or he was protecting someone . " I am Damien , " he said after all but leaving out his surname for he thought it would be better that way . He felt a little bit silly actually , considering that he based everything only on her name and the memory . How many girls were named Anna Blue ? Hunderds at least , yet Damien had to think that this one was the girl from his past . He began to feel overwhelmed by everything . Taking in a deep breath , he looked at a group of girls . " As you are new , you should know that those girls , " he jerked his head towards the cluster , " will go after you for talking to me . They will want to know everythin we were talking about and god knows what else . You might feel hunted in certain way . Anyway , you better go and get accommodated so that you will be safe within the walls of your room , " Damien shifted his eyes at Anna again , a tiny smile appearing on his face though it was again hard to tell whether it was a happy smile or sad one . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Anna reached out her hand to shake his , but at first he didn 't take it . For just a couple of seconds he looked mesmerized , like he were in another world . She waited without moving untill he started to move again , first he looked around a bit before looking at her . Finally he shoke her hand , Anna thought he was a bit funny and couldn 't help but release a small giggle . He told her that she should go back to her room and hide for the girls and then he let of a small smile , it was hard to detect if it was a happy smile or a sad one but somewhere in his eyes Anna could see that he didn 't look happy at all , he didn 't look sad either , he looked mostly lonely . " Nice to meet you to Damien " She said " You look so familiar , have we met before ? " She asked him , Anna weren 't certain at all that she had met him before , it was just a small feeling . She didn 't even think they really had , maybe she just remembered someone with the same hair as him . " Anyway , I 'm not afraid of those girls , I will just tell them off and say ' go talk to him yourself if you are so desperate to know him ' and then I will turn my back to them and be hated for the rest of the year " She said both serious but still with a jokely touch in it . She didn 't like girls like them , they irritated her , if she could do something that irritated their kind then it would make her more than happy . " By the way , I need someone that could show me around the school , I suck at reading maps , could I bother the gentleman to guide me threw the school ? " She asked and gave the all so popular puppy eyes . She really hoped he would say yes , then maybe she could ask him about why he looked so lonely if the right moment came for that . She was really fashinated by this mysterious guy and wanted to know more , he were so different from everyone else . # 6 Damien raised one of his eyebrows . Of course , it was a reasonable action that she asked if they hadn 't met before . He shook his head before saying : " If you had been here for the open day then you might have seen me somewhere at the school or down in the town . Apart from that I am not sure , " and yet , he was telling the truth . He wasn 't sure himself whether the memory was about her or not . As she was talking about the girls , Damien looked in their direction again . He had to admit that Anna was quite brave but she probably didn 't know what it meant to be hated . At least , he would say that Anna was more of a social person than an outcats . " It would be a miracle if any of them would reach me directly and would be able to talk with me without stuttering , " Damien murmured and smirked for few moments . The request for him taking her around the school was dazzling . Either way she didn 't know what rumor would this action raise or she didn 't care at all . Damien couldn 't decide himself which one of those was true . Considering what might happen if he agreed or refused took him only few moments . " I might do that . After all , girls were always hopeless when it came to maps , " Damien replied and gave Anna a conceited smile being happy for taking revenge after she told him that he had no manners . However , the smile soon changed into a wide grin . He turned around and motioned Anna to follow him . His sensitive ears could hear all the rustle that suddenly increased when he and Anna were walking away together . He was able to catch few words too and they made him want to laugh . However , before they entered the building , Damien quickly glanced toward the place from where he knew that someone was watching him . He felt the person 's gaze throughout his talk with Anna . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " I came here first today so I couldn 't have seen you at the open day , maybe my memory is joking around with me " she said a bit disappointed that she really hadn 't met him before . She tried to remember if she had talked to someone named Damien but it was totaly blank , so she gave up . She thought for a moment on what he had said about the girls , it was probably true , the most girls didn 't dare to talk to someone they admired and she could see why they admired him . It was kind of ridiculous that they didn 't dare take the first step and must bully someone that dare to do it . It 's their own faults that they never talked to him . He told her he would show her around because girls were hopeless with maps , obviously revenge for what she said before . " Yeah , we girls can 't do anything on our own , where would we be without our knights ? " She asked sarcastic and then laughed . Damien led her to the main port in to the building but before they entered , Damien stoped and glanced in another direction . Anna wanted to ask what he looked at but she didn 't . Anna didn 't like to lie to people but she had done that to Damien , she was actually very skilled in reading maps and could find places very easy . She just wanted to be with him a bit longer , she didn 't know why but she felt attracted to Damien . She tried to understand what was so attracting about him , she didn 't care about his looks even if they were awesome . But in his eyes , something in his eyes made her feel as if she needed to be close to him , there were a feeling of home and it felt safe , she wanted to be close to it . But even in her own thoughts it sounded stupid , she should probably just forgett about it . Obviously he wasn 't interested anyways . # 8 Damien nodded to what she said and they entered the building , appearing in the main hall . This place was enormous with high ceiling and high windows that provided the room with lot of light . On each side , there was a door that led deeper into the school . In each further corner was a staircase that would take inhabitants to the next , 1st floor . Between those staircases a wooden desk could be seen . In fact , the hall itself was all decorated in wood of both shades . The light and dark mingled together in such a delightful manner that it made newcomers feel dizzy . As the sun touched the poolished material , it looked almost golden . However , behind the desk which was obviously a reception sat a woman with black hair and peircing grey eyes . Damien went straight to that place , confident with his steps . " Good afternoon , Mrs . Bowler , " he said politely and leaned against the desk . Mrs . Bowler regarded him with cold gaze which obviously didn 't set Damien of his tracks . " Could you please check your list for this new student ? Her name is Anna Blue and this is her first day here so I don 't even think she knows where her room number is , " with the same polite voice Damien told her his request adding a charming smile . He knew that Mrs . Bowler wouldn 't succumb . After all , she was a vampire as well . The kind of vampire that was old enough to crash anyone she wanted to . Moreover , she would do it if she could for she hated her new job . Damien knew that she secretly wanted to be the headmistress of the school . Yet every of her attempt was swept away . It took just few click in the computer to reveal the whole Anna 's file which only Mrs . Bowler could see at that moment . " It 's room number 303 , " she said and handed a credit - like looking card , which was obviously a key , to Anna . For a second , when the card was in Mrs . Bowler 's hand and Anna 's as well , the receptionist regarder the new student with lustful look . However , it disappeared and the whole thing could have been just a trick of light . Though , Damien saw it as well , he knew that the expression was real . He resisted the urge to clench his teeth . He wasn 't really surprised for he knew that Anna would be wanted amongst the others . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Anna walked in to the main hall behind Damien , almost mesmerized by it , it was huge and unlike anything Anna had ever seen . The light and dark was in such a harmony with eachother in the room and all the decorations were perfectly made . How could any human have done this magnificent monument ? Anna got so starrtled of the room so she almost dropped her bags , but she saved them just in time . Not because it mattered if they fell in to the floor or not , she didn 't have anything that could break from that anyway . They walked forward to the reception where Damien started to ask her about where Annas room where . She felt really irritated on him now , even if she knew he just did it to tease her . She could ask herself if she didn 't knew , she almost felt like hitting him but that wouldn 't be proper when someone was watching them . So Anna just glared at him and tried to resist doing something childish . Damien gave the woman in the reception a irresistable smile which made Anna both more angry but at the same time a bit happy , she wanted to see him smile more . No no no no no no , she was angry at him and didn 't like him at all . But on the other hand , he was handsome and even though he teased her he was also nice to her . Anna fought with her inner demons trying to make up her mind of this strange guy she had met . The receptionist suddenly reached her the key to her room , which startled Anna a bit . She had been so in to her thoughts so she had forgotten that she was with them . As she took the card and were about to thank her Anna saw something , but just for a second . She didn 't know what it was but the receptionist had changed for a second , she didn 't know what had happend or why it disappeard so fast but she was sure she hadn 't imagined it , because if she had then she wouldn 't have become this scared . She pulled herself together and thanked for the key almost at the same time as Damien thanked her . Shouldn 't she be the one thanking her ? Under the whole time she had been there with Damien talking to the receptionist she had felredblood , Damien could help but stopped in the middle of the hall and started to laugh . The sound almost filled the whole hall . It was deep sound yet vibrated nicely within the space . When Damien finally calmed himself down , he regarded Anna with a look of astonishment yet there were amused sparkles in his eyes as well . Giggling he shook his head and carried on walking to the staircase on his right . Now , it could be seen that the banister came from a workshop of master . At the heel of the stairs , the banister was carved in a shape of leaves . As both of them carried on walking upwards , those leaves turned into branches . At the top the banister curved to the left , went along the balcony and sloped down by the other staircase . Once they were at the top there was another set of stairs where Damien headed . " However , now I forgot my manners . Let me take your bags , " he offered and waited for Anna to decide . Whether she let them carried it or not , Damien continued walking afterwards in slower pace . " Your room is number 303 , right ? " he said more to himself then to Anna . Once more he began to move . " Actually , you are placed quite well because you library here , a study room and a small theatre where some performances are held from time to time though during the night it is closed , " he said and turned the corner before he stopped in front of a dark door bearing a number 303 curved from light wood . He gave Anna a tiny smile , placed her bags on the floor in front of the door and stepped aside . " I 'll let you make yourself feel like at home . When you are done , I will be waiting downstairs in the hall . You will see me , don 't worry , " saying that Damien turned around and walked away . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) She looked at Damien as he started to laugh , it took him some time before he could calm down but even then he kept giggling . He started to walk again . As they walked up the stairs Anna said as a joke threat " I mean it , women are really scary when their angry , you should be careful . " She followed Damien up the stairs and then they headed towards the second set of stairs . Suddenly Damien stopped and he started to talk to her telling her he would give her a lecture in how the school was structurated . He looked at her piercing her with his eyes , she almost got unconfortable with it but at the same time she didn 't mind . " Oh , so you have manners now " She said and handed him the bag " Thank you " she said smiling at him . They started to walk again up the second stairs and in to a corridor . He told her how to find the classrooms and some other things before they stoped outside room 303 . He placed her bag at the floors and steped aside from the door to let her in to her room . Well he had at least become a bit more gentle now , hopefully the way he was now would remain . He told her to make herself feel like home and when she was ready he would wait for her downstairs , then he turned around and walked away . " Don 't miss me to much " She said after him as a joke , she thought the guy didn 't like her at all right now and really wanted her to leave . Maybe he liked being lonely , but if she just made him ease up a bit he would probably be a really good company . She hoped he would smile from the bottom of his heart to her soon , she almost got sad when looking him in the eyes because it felt so empty . Why did he feel like that ? She didn 't think to much about it , she opend the door and went in to her room . It was big , or maybe it was small . She had lived in such a tiny apartment before so for her this was a really big room . She put her bags on the bed , she didn 't feel like taking anything out right now , there was a lot of time for her to do that later . She sat down on the bed and took a deep breath , in , and then out . Maybe it wasn 't suchredblood , Damien was standing by the set of doors on the right from the stairs . When Anna appeared on top of the staircase , Damien was just talking to another boy . His expression a little bit cheerful . The boy whom he was talking to , was the same high yet he had blond , long hair . As they were talking about something Damien 's smile grew wider and wider as if the boy was telling him some great news or a funny story . However , Damien didn 't have the chance to start laughing because at that time Anna reached him . The boy fell silent and looked at her . His eyes were in a colour of wonderful green and it almost looked like they were sparkling . " I guess , I 'll tell you the rest later , Damien , " he said . Damien nodded and so his friend left . Looking at Anna , his expression slowely fell back into normal which was basically expressionless face . He lifted off the wall for he was leaning against it until that moment . Straightening up , he was lot higher than Anna . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " Guess I should have stayed in my room a bit longer , seems like I destroyed your fun and scared away your hot friend . " she said both jokingly and serious . She looked after the guy for a moment before answering him . " Yeah I 'm ready , lets get this over with so you can get away from the parasite that has been pestering you half the day . " Once again she joked but she thought there was some truth in it , he obviously didn 't want her there . She hadn 't noticed before how tall he was , he was a lot higher than her , her eyes were at his head and her head ended where his throat was . Anna thought he was ridiculously high , or maybe she was to short , that was an alternative . No he was to high . PERIOD . " just so you know , you are way to high , you make me feel short " she said out of the blue . Anna never had a problem with saying what she felt and turning everything in to a joke , either it was one or not . # 14 " No , you didn 't scare him away . He has his own things to do , " Damien answered and shrugged a little bit , turning around and walking through the door hoping that Anna was following him . Once she was by his side , they both appeared in a long corridor which was well lit , thanks to numbers of windows . There were few paintings on the wall . Most of them depicted a landscape . However , there was one exception which portrayed a couple , man and a woman , in dresses suitable for a ball , both of them were wearing a mask . The man was wearing black and silver mask , the woman red and gold . The background of the painting was blurred . Damien just quickly glanced at it before he resumed in walking . " So if you feel short . . . should I cut of my legs then ? " he answered ironically and smirked . They were slowly reaching another set of door , though this pair was way taller and massive as well as detailed , obviously made of oak . Few people came in and out , yet none of them paid them any type of attention . Damien relaxed for that reason . He still wasn 't sure whether he wanted the others to think that this girl was his human partner or not . As long as he wouldn 't mark her , she was free and the others knew it . But did he want to give her to someone else ? More likely to his rival , who drank his last partner to death and due to that was ' single ' too . Deep in his pockets , Damien clenched his hands into fists . " Anyways , this is our dining hall , " Damien said in an even voice not intimating what was going on in his head . The hall itself was enormous in size . Something like you would see in Harry Potter only way bigger . There were rows of tables with chairs . On the further left side were another two sets of doors . As for the decoration of the hall , the sunlight illuminated it in bright colours . Along the walls were candelabras built in the walls . It was obvious that the candles in there were electric , yet they fulfiled their purpose of making the place look antique , in a good way of course . Damien stood in the entrance , waiting for Anna to take in most of it , then he slowly started to walk between the tables towards the other doors . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) They walked in the corridor , it was well lit because of all the windows . From the outside Anna had thought that the school would have been really dark inside because of its old fashioned look . Maybe it was just a prejudice about old looking buildings , that they are dark . She looked at the few paintings that she could find hanging on the walls . She was really far in to her own thoughts when he heard Damiens ironical voice get in to action . " Yeah actually that would help a lot , I have an axe you can borrow if you want to " She said and giggled , she liked his way of continuing on her jokes . The most people she had known before had just laughed and then continued talking about something else . They walked a bit in the corridors and came to a massive door , Anna looked with tea cup sized eyes on the door , she wasn 't used to this kind of massive places at all and they made her feel so small . It almost wanted her to go home again . In the corner of her eyes she saw how Damien , lost in his thoughts , got a bit stiff , like he was angry over something or worried . But it just lasted for a split second and then he regained controll over his body again , maybe she had imagined it ? He showed her in to the room that was the dinning hall , it was an amazing hall which made her become much smaller than she already felt . She tried to take in all of the things she saw but it was almost impossible , her old school hadn 't even been close to this magnificent place . Damien started to slowly walk towards the other doors and Anna was right after him . She couldn 't say a word at the moment , the place had made her speechlees , but after a minute she found her voice again . " This place , " she took a breath before she continued " is ridiculously big . " She kept looking around amazed over the place . Damien slowed down even more looking at Anna from corner of his eye then a tiny smile appeared on his face . " As far as you are pretending to be clever , you probably don 't know what this place used to be once , do you ? " he said , partly teasing her and partly being a little shocked . Every student who came to Valor Academy knew the history . Most of the times it was the only reason why they sent an application . Sighing Damien stopped and turned to face Anna properly . He was studying her face for a little while trying to guess whether her ignorance was part of another joke , or whether it was real . ( Ooc : hehe , I am going to change lengths of my posts so that you won 't get description all the time . That might make you bored . We need an action don 't we ^.^ ) Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " Sorry , I think I missed that part in the introduction of the school " she said , mostly as a joke . She giggled a litle but fast got serious " what did this school used to be ? " she asked him , he had made her really curious and she wouldn 't let him leave untill he told her . Except being a studio for doing the harry potter movies she had no idea what this place could be . She looked in to his eyes , waiting for him to answer her question . What could this place have been before , she wondered . ( OOC : hahah Yeah , I suck at describing things anyway ) " The school used to be a mansion once , which is probably pretty obvious considering all the luxury and even the overall look of the estate , " he started and shifted his eyes at his companion , looking deep into them . " However , it is a mystery how it was build . Yes , there is some evidence of the year when the construction began and it is mostly dated around 15th century , yet the mystery doesn 't remain in the overall appearance of the mansion but in the detail , " Damien focused on Anna 's expression , considering whether she was following his point or not . He nodded to himself and shifted a bit backwards in his chair . " What I mean is , that this , " he pointed at the high ceiling , " was normal in that time . But this , " he suddenly leaned forward , being only few inches away from Anna , he tapped the back of her chair which was decorated with so many vivid details , " was something extraordinary . Noone in that time could reach such a perfection . " Sliding his hand down the backrest , Damien accidentally brushed Anna 's arm before he sit straight again with his hand on his knee . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Anna sat down when he instructed her to , she looked intensely untill he finally started . She wondered about the part that it had been a mansion once , she couldn 't think of anyone that could live in this kind of luxury except a royal but then they would have known who had lived there . She tried to focus on the story as Damien got closer and closer to her , first she didn 't understand his point about why it was a mystery how it was built but then it slowly went up for her that some detailes that were carved in the chairs and the other things shouldn 't be possible to do without special equipment which didn 't exist in the 15th century . As Damien pulled away from her he brushed her arm , and she instinctively pushed herself back , mostly because of the tense atmosphere that was between them at the moment . " So they haven 't found any equipment that they could have used to make it ? But even if it is a mystery there is a lot of things human have done before in history which we think shouldn 't have been possible for the time they lived in , so it 's not an unique thing . " She said still curious and exited , she loved secret things and stuff that couldn 't be explained , it made her reflect over things that for the most were so simple but all of a sudden could turn in to a hard solving puzzle . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
" Adah , my dearest daughter . I can see your sadness and I understand it . " Said Adah 's father , the King . " But this war against the Roman Empire must be fought . King Leon , your betrothed , is leading the troops . You cannot be married until the war in won ! My child , I am old or else I would be fighting myself . Let Leon fight and then join our kingdoms as one . " " But , Papa . . . " Adah pleaded . " I 'll soon be 20 winters old ! All the girls my age have little ones of their own already . I can 't be expected to wait forever until I dry inside ! " Adah stormed out of her father 's throne room , her four big , chocolate brown dogs followed her . She wanted to be married and get a new life soon . She was tired of the Palace life and marrying King Leon would be her way out . King Leon was a handsome man , known to be a good lover . He had his harem , of course , but Adah was the one chosen to be his Queen . All Adah knew about Leon was the stories and descriptions she had heard from other maidens and from tradesmen . The man who brought her the finest linen from Egypt told her he was tall and broad shouldered , had dark hair and dark eyes but that had sounded like a generic description of any warrior from this part of the world . Nearing her room 's door , Adah gave the dog 's leash to one of her servants . The servant was to brush and feed the dogs , as well as take them to wherever it was that they slept . Adah was too nervous to think clearly and when she was this nervous , there was only one way of relieving her tension . She went in her majestically decorated room . Light shades of pink from the drapes to the carpets filled the room . Pillows in every size were scattered all around the floor . She sat at her dressing table , brushing her long blond hair . It was no secret she had the Eunuchs of her father 's harem come to her room to please her and tonight she would fetch one of them for her pleasure . Adah took all her clothes off and put on a transparent dress of the finest silk . It was the color of the sky on an early Summer morning . Her body could be seen through it , every curve , every inch of skin . Five gold bracelets adorned her left wrist , a heavy necklace adorned her neck . Barefoot , she stepped out of her room , making her way to the harem . She was very much aware of the guards looks and swayed her hips a little more than what was normal for her . Making her way back with an eunuch by the hand , she didn 't fail to notice a particular guard . She had never seen him and yet he was wearing the black robes and wide metal belt characteristic for the Palace 's guards . She smiled at him , thinking that he was the most good looking of the guards . The next morning , Adah got up and dressed for the day with the aid of her three maids . A light mint green long dress , with a slit that showed more than half of her thigh and with enough cleavage to show she was a definitely a woman and not a girl would be good for the day . Silver jewelry completed the look . As she left her room for her morning walk in the garden , she saw the new guard again . " It 's the only way you can move up in this world I want you to have better than I did … " Those had been some of his father 's words spoken on his deathbed as he pleaded with his son to go serve King Ezra . Reluctant to disobey his father 's last request and not relishing the idea of being a farmer or mercenary anyway , Oren had gone to the palace and asked to be a guard . He had trained as a palace guard for over 2 years and was good at long range patrols , and had never seen the royal family save when the king had approved his application to serve . All that changed when he found himself reassigned to the princess 's personal guard . Gone were his times in the wooded grounds patrolling , where more often than not the palace 's historian , an elderly fellow who happened to be Greek would stop him to listen to his long windy history lessons . All the other guards had to have to listen to the old man , but Oren had always enjoyed learning about the land of his mother . His mother had been Greek , something many people didn 't know about him , and he found the tales of the Greek generals and heroes , their gods and goddesses fascinating . He would now have to walk around guarding some spoiled rich girl . He mentally chastised himself for such thoughts about his lord 's daughter . All the guards told interesting stories about her , and the number one rule he had been told about guarding her was you didn 't see anything . He didn 't know what this meant until that first night . He watched the princess walk out of her room in a completely see through gown . He had to proverbially put his eyeballs back into his head . He hadn 't expected her to be that … revealed . Remembering the rule he snapped his eyes away figuring this meant he shouldn 't stare at her , of course , you didn 't see anything made perfect sense , right ? You didn 't see the princess 's breasts so carry on with your duty . But no this wasn 't it at all ; the real meaning of the rule came into play a few moments later as she sashayed past leading a eunuch fromThe next morning Oren had trouble looking at the princess without remembering what he 'd scene , and yet also had trouble not staring at her . How did the other guards ignore her appearance ? Hell he was pretty sure they didn 't even look at her as a person just as an object to protect . He hoped this would get easier for him over time as well , for as it was the king was going to have him beheaded for staring at his daughter , or incompetence for some other reason . He cleared his throat when she spoke to him . He wasn 't told the royal family ever deemed to speak to the guards apart from giving them orders , weren 't they supposed to be invisible , figuratively speaking that is . He was so far out of his element . He was a good guard , skilled , well built , and able to move silently and swiftly . He was good with weapons training , had even killed in defense of the royal family , but there was no training course on how to respond to the princess 's talking to him . Would he be beheaded if he spoke to her ? Would he be beheaded if he didn 't answer her ? " Oren M ' lady . " He finally managed to reply , " I uh … was recently transferred to m ' lady 's personal guard . " He managed . His dark eyes roaming around , unsure where they should look , did he meet her gaze ? Did he look straight ahead ? Did he look down respectful ? If he looked down would she think he was eyeing her full breasts ? He knew how to interact with women although his experience was not vast , but not in this situation , she wasn 't just any woman . Adah giggled softly . She could tell that what the new guard was telling about being new in her personal guard was true from the nervous way he acted . Adah leaned to the left slightly , trying to meet Oren 's dark and soulful eyes . " You can look at me , you know ? " She ran her finger through his jaw line , encouraging him to look at her big hazel eyes . " I like it when handsome men look at me . " She smiled what she hoped to be her most dazzling smile and then turned her back to go meet her ladies in waiting for their morning walk . While Adah , Miriam and two more ladies in waiting walked around a garden , the slave Atia , a roman woman captured by her father 's warriors , came bearing news . King Leon was in a battle field three day 's journey north of the Palace . When the battle was over , he would travel south and come meet Adah at last . She thought he was hansom … was this a good or bad thing Oren wondered . He obediently gazed into those eyes . Fortunately her attention seemed somewhat mercurial and she was soon off to see her ladies . Oren took a step closer being sure to remain close but out of the way . He heard that King Leon would be on the way to meet the princess . Oren didn 't know much about Leon other than the typical rumor mill that went around . He watched the princess order servants around , and took a deep breath trying to get a grip on himself , he hoped this would get easier with time ; at least her attention was no longer on him now . " Princess , now that we have settled in the cut for your new dress , would you be so kind to choose the color ? " A short , old , bald man who had been the royal dress maker to her mother and was now Adah 's asked . Adah imagined the dress in several colors . It was a respectable dress , not as skin baring as her usual attire . It was important to look pure , gentle and demure for King Leon . The dress was so simple and understated that it required a strong color - Adah was not a shrinking violet and she didn 't want to be mistaken for one . Speaking of violets . . . " I think a reddish purple silk will be best . I know you have some , I saw it around here somewhere . " Adah said , sure that the color would make her light skin and hair appear even lighter and more desirable . " Get out . " Adah said . As the dressmaker opened his mouth to speak again she raised her voice and repeated : " Get out ! And take these filthy , ugly cloths with you ! " She yelled , nervous . She stripped the dress she was trying on , which left her naked . Her full , rounded breasts with nipples erect from the cold of being naked , her rounded hips , the narrow and trimmed tuft of hair between her legs displaying yet another proof of her womanhood , all exposed . She threw the dress at the face of the little bald man . " Guards ! Guards ! Escort this man out ! " She said . Lowering her voice , she turned to the little man . " You are very lucky I will not report you to my father . Go , fetch the cloth I ordered and don 't dare to answer back to me anymore . I want it and so I shall have it and that is true of whatever there is in this world . " The guards at her door entered and left with a man and his assistant , who carried all the samples they had brought . Adah sat on her bed , biting her lower lip so hard she could almost taste blood . She was furious ! Not knowing if King Leon would like her , not knowing if he 'd take three days , a week or a month to get to the Palace and , on top of all that , having mere servants disrespect her was too much to bear . Still naked , she took a decorative vase from her bed side and threw it hard against the door , breaking and reducing it to almost powder . Oren stood at the door again and he could hear the princess 's clear agitation . He was glad he was not the guard assigned to be in the room while she was trying on dresses , Oren was sure that that would be most awkward . Abruptly the princess shouted for the guards and Oren was through the door in a split second , his crack training kicking in as he came through the door , knife in hand sure the princess was no less than being raped . Much to his embarrassment there was no need for his knife . The princess was indeed naked but she was a good 10 feet from the nearest person and that was the dressmaker who was dry washing his hands nervously . Oren couldn 't help raising an eyebrow . His knife had disappeared almost as fast as it had appeared . He escorted the man and his assistant out and idly wondered what that was all about . Oren wanted nothing more than to ask his fellow guards if things like that happened a lot . He had seen the princess naked … unofficial rule number 1 … Things seemed to settle down for a few moments and then there was a crashing shatter against the door . Oren 's fellow guard had he still been there would have told Oren to ignore it that it was the princess having a tantrum , however he had left to escort the dress maker to do the princess 's bidding . Therefore , Oren pulled open the door to pear in at the princess . " Is everything alright M ' lady ? " he asked after his eyes scanned the room , seeing to his dismay that the princess was still naked , a hint of pink coming into his cheeks . The Princess smiled at the pink in the guards cheek . Only that could make her smile . " Every thing is fine , Oren . Thank you . Don 't worry . I haven 't had a good day today . " " Say , guard , why are you blushing ? Do you not like what you see ? " She was needing reassurance in her beauty more than she needed to tempt the guard , but she he was just caught in her fire line . " I am sorry M ' lady has not had a good day today . " He said softly . He was about to leave when she spoke again asking about his blush . " Uh no ma ' am that 's not it at all . I am just new to this post and I am finding it … different than I expected . Of course my lady is beautiful , there is no denying that . " He said his eyes making their best effort to stay on her eyes and not somewhere farther south . He made a supreme effort to not react to being addressed as guard , but . hadn 't she recently asked him his name ? " Thank you , Oren " She answered softly . He seemed like a nice man and didn 't deserve a display of her temper . She dismissed the handsome guard , got dressed and went to sleep . She didn 't get up to have dinner . She didn 't get up to find pleasure . She only got up the following morning . The dress situation was eventually resolved with the aid of Adah 's aunt , who was one of the women in her father 's Harem . She convinced Adah that choosing another color was best and that keeping the same dressmaker was safest . The following night Adah left for dinner with her father , the King , and some guests . The spiced wine made Adah warm and ligh headed . She was so involved in the conversation with the guests that she lost track of how much she actually drank . She felt her knees tremble while she made her way to her bedroom , but she also felt other needs . She needed to be touched , to feel pleasure , to have her body teased and to let go and lose her soul for a moment . She made her way to the bedroom , she was far too inebriated to walk alone to the harem . She would send a servant to fetch her one . When she reached the door , she saw Oren , the guard . He was at waiting for her at her door , why he was alone she did not know . Adah had a hard time opening the door . " Oren , please help me . You 're so handsome , make yourself useful . " As Oren opened the door for her and she made her way in , she stumbled and fall into the guard 's arm . She looked up into his dark eyes when he caught her . Oren had gone about his duties for the rest of that evening . He morning found him out in the yard doing morning exercises with the other guards . He had drawn night dutie for the princess this day so had most of the day off . Oren stood alone at the door to the princess 's chambers . The other guard dropped the princess off and muttered something about going to get the princess some water . Oren was surprised , wasn 't that what servants were for ? He was unaware that he was the butt of a test . All the guards new to the princess were left alone with the princess at a time like this … to see if they would make a move on the princess , or more likely as it seemed she would make a move on them and they 'd give in . Oren stiffly moved to open the door for her , her words about make yourself useful and talking so casually about his looks did sting the young man 's pride . For a flash there he wondered exactly why he had signed up for this job in the first place . When the princess stumbled he caught her , his hands settling around her waist keeping her from falling . " Are you alright my lady ? " he asked steadying her and trying to take a step back away from her hands still on her encase she was still unsteady . " I . . . I 'm . . . fine . Sorry about that . " Adah said , not even trying to smooth her dress . Though the guard was trying to both hold her and step away , their faces were still very close to each other . Adah could feel Oren 's warm breath , his strong hands holding her . Desire for the guard bloomed , but he was forbidden territory . Letting a guard please her was never a good a idea . She did let some guards serve her in her bed before , but they had always ended up thinking they owned her and they thought they could tell her what to do . They wouldn 't respect her after they had touched and kissed her , after she had taken her pleasure from them . She had hated feeling like an object , like one of the women man hired in the city . Adah took her clothes off and went to bed to await the eunuch . Her eyelids were heavy , her body seemed to have lost all strength . Maybe should could just rest for a moment before the handsome , strong guard brought back someone to kiss her body in full . The guard nodded slowly to the princess 's request , but then she made it an order . For a moment he thought about disobeying her , but knew that could not end well . Bowing his head he moved to do her bidding . He moved down the long winding hallways to the Harem . When he got there he saw the king was there being pleasured by a number of women . " Can I help you guard … ? " he paused obviously seeking the guard 's name . " Oren my lord . " " What are you doing here Oren ? " he asked his tone suspicious . " Forgive me my lord , I am newly assigned to the inner palace I was merely lost . " He knew better than to say the princess had sent him to find her someone to please her . The king looked suspicious ; " Really … " he said drawing out the word . He turned to one of the women , an older woman who seemed in charge , " He is lying to me is he not ? He has come to lay with one of you . " " Uh no of course not my lord . I know no one is allowed the use of your personal ladies without your express permission . Please believe me . If I need a woman I know where to go in the city . " He stammered blushing . How did he manage to get himself into this mess ? The king could have him executed and it was all that spoiled drunken princess 's fault . " Well be gone from here , do you not see I am occupied ? " The king almost yelled at him . Snapping to attention Oren gave a bow and left . His steps carried him back to the princess 's chambers where he knocked before he entered seeing the princess in bed . Oh good , he thought maybe she 's asleep and I will not have to share my failure . " My lady , I was unable to bring you a eunuch as you asked ; your father was in the harem and I couldn 't very well tell him you sent me . " He said hoping he had said the right thing , he really didn 't know what he should have said in this instance . Adah slept all through the night . She woke up the next morning with a headache and not remembering what had happened in full . She remembered talking to Oren and falling into his arms , but nothing else . She remembered how it felt to have his strong hands around her waist , his broad chest close to her , his manly smell , his warmth . Oren was a good man , or so he seemed . He was thoughtful and didn 't look down on her . He didn 't seem to treat her as an object he was just keeping safe . He was also good looking , Adah actually though he reminded her on a Persian Prince she met once when she was a child . She was a little girl , but she remembered he looked like on of the pagan gods drawn in pagan temples . She got up , ate some fruit that had been left for her and dismissed the servants . She put on a emerald green dress , the skirt made several layers of sheer fabric that , once on top of one another , looked no longer sheer . The dress covered only one of her shoulders . She added emerald bracelets from her wrist almost to her elbow and brushed her hair . " Please come in , Oren " the Princess said . She was using a low voice , too much noise made her head hurt . " I 'm a little embarrassed , but . . . what happened last night ? I remember you . . . erm . . . you helped me open the door . I seemed to be having trouble with that . But what happened next ? " The princess made no answer to his words , and after a few moments the guard turned and exited the room again . The next morning when the princess woke and came out of her room Oren still stood there . He was nearing the end of his shift and there were some lines of fatigue on his face although he still seemed alert . He obediently moved with the princess into her room gently pushing the door shut , glad for the moment that his back was to her as she began to question because it gave him a moment to school his features to not show his embarrassment . " Well uh … nothing much my lady , I kept you from falling , and then you sent me to the harem to fetch you a eunuch . " He said . " However I was unable to obtain a eunuch for your services m ' lady although I assure you I tried . You see , your father was in the harem , he seemed highly suspicious of why I was there . Trying to think fast I made up some story that I was lost . I did not think it was prudent to tell your father the reason for my visit . " He said his words obviously indicating he was protecting the princess 's honor . " I do not know if I did right my lady , but I did what I thought was best . " He did not say what else he was thinking ; he did not say that she had put him at risk so she could get off . He would gladly lay down his life for her protection but not in such a frivolous pursuit . " Was there a better way I should have handled it my lady ? " he asked his eyes moving to meet hers , remembering her words from the other day , that it was ok to look at her , to meet her eyes . Oren 's gaze upon her made her shiver slightly , a shiver that she hoped to be anger for being told off by a guard . However , she thought , it was important that he was being honest with her in telling exactly what happened . He could have said he fetched the eunuch and that they came to her chamber and she was asleep so they didn 't think wise to wake her . She wouldn 't know it was a lie , she would never find out . Also , he had been most kind as to try and protect her reputation and honor , though her father was probably aware of her sexual desires . " I thank you , Oren . And I am most grateful that you are being honest and true with your words . I am also in your debt for being discreet , I appreciate that . I know you risked angering my father and that it could have ended in disaster . " She paused to breath and to look down . She hadn 't been very nice to the handsome guard as of late - asking him to get her someone to serve her in bed must have been very humiliating . " I guess you will have the day off ? You seem tired , I wish you a good rest . You may go now . " She said , finally looking at the guard 's dark and thoughtful eyes . Adah felt better and the effects of last night 's excessive drinking were almost all out of her system . The headache had almost completely subsided . She arranged with her servants , ladies in waiting and guards to go to the market . The dress situation was still on her mind and she wanted to see if she found nicer fabric than the one her aunt had helped her pick . Also , she needed a new vase and choosing decorations always made her happier . The market was full of people , life and noise . The smells , the colors , the music , all of that reminded her why she was tired of living in the Palace . Wouldn 't it be so much nicer to actually have a life , a reason to go out ? Her father , King Ezra , was loved and respected for keeping the war at bay and for being fair . Logically , by association , his only legitimate daughter was loved as well . After seeing that the fabric tradesmen didn 't really have what Adah wanted and after buying a new , bigger , heavier vase , it was still early to go back to the palace . Adah and her ladies decided to look around the market , maybe find some handsome men to stare at and comment on . While walking around , they ended up in the part of the market where Leatherwork was made and sold . It had a distinctive smell and the stands were all owned by strong , tough looking men - probably men who used to be soldiers and were now too old to fight . A pair of black leather arm cuffs caught her attention . They were of a glossy black leather , embossed with a beautiful intricate geometric pattern . The seams were all reinforced and they looked very sturdy . They were one of the most beautiful and yet manly things Adah had ever seen and they stood out among all the other cuffs and leather goods sold at the shop . Adah inquired about the price , only to hear they cost just as much as enough silk for a woman 's dress . At that price , they would better be good and long lasting . Adah had always seen mercenaries , Generals and Kings who fought wear the pair of arm cuffs . Occasionally , chief guards wore only one on the arm that didn 't carry the sword . She had once asked a visiting General why he wore the pair of cuffs and not just one if it was to protect the arm against enemy swords . He had kindly explained to her that they served that purpose , but also they kept their wrists from being hurt should they need to use their fists against an enemy . It was a very practical use indeed . While all of these thoughts went through her head , Adah kept stroking the beautiful black leather , which happened to match her guard 's uniforms . " I will take them , I will pay right now from my own money . " She said . She gave the cuffs to Atia , the slave , and ordered : " The new guard , Oren , will start his shift at sun set . Make sure he gets these before he starts his work . Go back to the palace now , I won 't be long . " And so she wasn 't . When she entered her room to change for dinner , Oren still wasn 't in his usual spot by her door . Her father 's guests were still here and tonight 's banquet was going to be even more important and plentiful than last night 's . It was a really special occasion , with ministers , priests and every nobleman and rich mercenary in the kingdom . She was determined not to drink tonight , however . She asked the servants to only pour either pomegranate or fresh grape juice in her goblet , no wine whatsoever . Adah wore her favorite light pink dress , a richly embellished dress , with precious stones sewn into it . It was very heavy , the low cut top portion of the dress displaying her breasts proudly , covering just enough . Her round , soft , silky , full breasts were surrounded by pink sapphires , pearls and other precious and semi precious stones . She had a servant braid her hair and she wore a gold circlet on her head to further announce to the world that she was the only Princess of a rich kingdom and not just some other wealthy noblewoman . Adah wore perfume brought especially for her from the faraway lands of China and she even went as far as rimming her eyes with black makeup brought from Egypt . She looked every inch the dignified , beautiful virgin Princess she hoped others thought she were . She stood and made her way to the door . Oren simply nodded to the princess 's dismissal . He was tired indeed . He was relieved the princess was not angry with him for being honest ; it easily could have gone badly for him . Retreating to his room he stripped out of his uniform and lay down to rest . When he woke hours later he headed into the city , he had decided to get something to eat at the marketplace rather than within the palace . He found that he missed the more simple food he had grown up on , so occasionally did this to experience a taste of home . It was not like the guards were fed anything resembling the richness of the royal court ; however the food the guards ate was still different from that he knew . In the market he bought the fiery meat and spicy peppers that he was used to . The royals lived in a more temperate area , but they were not that far from desert lands and many of the kingdom 's peoples favored a style of food as harsh as the land they lived in . Oren stood leaning against a wall as he ate . He watched what he thought was the royal party moving across the market . There was a part of him that felt like he should have been there protecting the princess in public , but there was another part of him that knew this was his time off and he should enjoy it as much as possible . Oren slowly became aware of someone standing beside him . " Someone at the brothel was askin after you . " the voice of one of Oren 's fellow guards broke his inner contemplation . Oren raised an eyebrow , " Is that so ? What for ? " he questioned . " Says someone bought you the services of one of their ladies . Rumor has it that you got chastised by the king for trying to go to his own harem . " Here the speaker swatted Oren on the back of the head . " Are you a fool boy ? Do ye not know yer place ? " Oren rubbed the back of his head and glared at the other . Oren knew the reason he 'd gone there , and honestly so should the fellow , but there was no way Oren would mention it in a public forum such as his . So he merely turned away from the other guard . Looking up at the skyAs he walked back to the palace he reflected on his experience . Should he feel pleased that he found relief so quickly so he was not late for his duty , or should he feel irritated that he didn 't get to experience all that he could have from the woman ? He was again interrupted from his thoughts by a soft feminine voice . " " Excuse me good sir , but my lady the princess Adah sent me . " Oren looked up from where he was lacing his boots to see a pretty young girl . Searching his memory Oren seemed to remember her in the Princess 's entourage . " Yes , is there something I can do for you ? " Oren asked . He was a bit surprised when the woman held out the bracers . " The princess asks that you wear these . She asked me to give these to you , she mentioned some sort of gift . " The woman stepped closer and lowered her voice , " She said something about some sort of trouble with her father ? " Oren raised an eyebrow as he took the bracers . They were of very fine craftsmanship , and had to cost a pretty penny . " Uh , yes … " he said somewhat surprisedly , " Thank you I will certainly wear them . " He said placing them on each forearm . " If you will excuse me I am a couple moments late for the changing of the guard . " Oren arrived at the princess 's door , sliding into his place to the left of the door just as I opened and the princess stepped out . He hoped she had not noticed his lateness . He had only gotten one stern glare from the man he had replaced before the other had walked away . If she had noticed he could get in trouble . " Good evening my lady . " He said nodding to her , " Is it appropriate to tell my lady she looks beautiful this evening ? " he asked formally , his mind flashing to that moment the day before when she wanted to know that he found her attractive . Would Oren be at the other side of the door ? Would he be wearing her gift ? Only very wealthy men wore bracers of that quality and so adorned . She opened her door only to see Oren standing in his spot , the other guard leaving already . Oren looked like a nobleman despite wearing the guard 's uniform . He seemed taller today , more rested and even stronger than usual . He certainly had an air of satisfaction about him . In short , he was more handsome and enticing than usual . Adah blushed at the compliment . She didn 't remember blushing with compliments , being the King 's daughter , everybody felt the need to compliment her independently of whether the compliments were true or not . Oren 's words did sound true , however and Adah did go to great lengths to look even more like a Princess that night . " Thank you , Oren . " She told him , turning her big hazel eyes to his dark ones . " I 'm very glad you liked the present I sent you . " Adah said , smiling a bright and honest smile . Seeing that her gift had been appreciated made her happier than new jewelry and new dresses . Adah made her way to the banquet hall . The music was loud and there were people dancing already . Adah ate and drank her juice , getting asked to dance several times by several different men . It wasn 't until a young general asked her to dance that she accepted - dancing didn 't involve touching or anything of the sort , but having a nice looking dance partner made it even more fun . It was a very successful night from what she could tell . It looked everyone was pleased , businesses and politics were going well . Adah decided to go back to her room before too many people left . Leaving at the high point of a party was always the best option and the safest . She pondered going to the Harem to find an eunuch to finish off the night in the best possible way . She decided against it , she was a little too tired for that . Speaking of tired , her bed was calling her name and so she made her way to her bedroom , lighthearted and happy , humming one of the songs that hand been sang at the party . Oren was standing at her door , looking dashing as ever . Oren nodded , " Thank you for the gift my lady . " He said . He was not sure why she had bought him such a thing , but thought it was better to not ask . Oren watched the princess go towards the banquet . He stayed at her door , another guard falling into step behind the princess . Oren partially wished he had been assigned to be the one who followed the princess ; he thought such a duty would make him feel a little more important than just a door guard . The king sat with his advisors and wife , the princess 's step mother . He watched everyone enjoying the banquet . He was pleased to see his daughter was in rare form , very polite to everyone and level headed ; she hadn 't hlet the wine go to her head . As he ate someone came and leaning in close whispered something to the king . The king responded and from that moment onward the guards watched princess Adah more closely , and when she walked back towards her room there were a pair of guards flanking her rather than the one that typically shadowed her . One of the guards , an officer stepped ahead of the princess and addressed Oren before she arrived . Oren was just nodding as the officer finished speaking as the princess arrived . Oren couldn 't help raising his eyebrow at the princess 's question , " My evening was uneventful my lady , I assure you no one has been in your room since you left it . " He said . He was not even sure if his answer was honest or somewhat flippant . What did she expect his evening had been like ? " My lady , your father has asked that a guard be in your presence at all times until further notice . I promise not to be too intrusive . " And as she opened her door he stepped close behind her making it clear that he would be accompanying her into the room , an occurrence that was fairly are . Adah smiled , Oren would be in her room for the night . How odd , to have a guard in her room , uninvited , but spending the night none the less . She could think of many very good reasons to have a handsome man such as Oren in her bedroom , but her father 's orders certainly were not one of those reasons . King Ezra , her father , had told her he was worried for her safety with no many strangers in the palace , especially so many young men . He wasn 't scared that she would be hurt or disturbed , he was scared that someone would either try to rape her or that she would willingly give away her virginity to someone other than her future husband . The Princess ' virginity was important to the kingdom as it would later mean her marriage couldn 't be annulled . Adah started removing her jewelry and handing it over to her servant . She pondered asking her to hold a sheet or towel between her and where Oren was standing , but she decided against it . Oren had seen her naked on more than one occasion . He had seen her full breasts sway gently as she moved , he had seen the perfect triangle between her thighs , her curvy hips and rounded bottom move as she walked . Adah carefully took her dress of and handed it to the servant . It was a very heavy dress and very expensive , so all the care in the world was needed . She felt free when the dress came off her . Relieved that so much weight was off her , she declined when the servant handed her her nightgown . Though it was a simple , sheer , lightweight gown much like the one she had worn on Oren 's first night in as her guard , she didn 't want the fabric to touch her silky skin . She climbed onto bed , looking discreetly to Oren to access his reaction . To Adah , both exciting and surprising the guards was a game and had been so since she was old enough to know what men and women did when they were together behind closed doors . She dismissed the servant and told her to blow out the candles on the side of the bedroom where her bed was . Only the candles closer to Oren were still burning and only him and Adah were in the bedroom now . " You may sit , if you wish . " She said to Oren from the dark . There were chairs and pillows all over the bedroom and even an ottoman close to the door . Oren stood with his back to the wall beside the door . To say that this was awkward was an understatement . He tried to keep his eyes off the princess as she disrobed , but he was still male . His eyes settled on her beasts , full and round , her nipples stiffened from the cool air or excitement . Oren finally managed to pull his eyes away from her . He let his eyes scan the room constantly roving , looking for any threat . He was mostly just trying to keep from staring at her . He found that the relief he had found at the brothel was fading fast as his body reacted to the sight of her . When the lamp was blown out and the servants left he found some relief he no longer had to look at her . This would make it more difficult to protect her , but it beat having to stare at her and hide how much he found her appealing . " Thank you my lady , but I will stand for now . " He said after a moment 's hesitation , " I am still on duty . " He said as if reminding both her and himself . It was the hottest day I had ever experienced in life . I was lost , alone in the desert . Everyone had abandoned me , I was thirsty and tried and hungry and , worst , lonely . I kept walking , maybe I could find a tribe in their tents and ask for help , or maybe I would see the rooftops of some village . A caravan with camels and people could pass me by or someone would come to my rescue . I walked , and I walked , then I walked some more . My eyes were burning with the wind and sand , as well as the sun reflected on the white sands of the big desert . Maybe I could walk and close my eyes for a little . I didn 't exactly feel my legs , but I figured I should rest my eyes first and my legs second , I really couldn 't afford to stop now ! I walked maybe a mile , maybe more . Who can tell ? Then , suddenly , I felt no ground beneath my feet . I must have walked straight into a cliff , for I was falling , and falling , and falling to certain death , but never reaching the ground . " Aaaaaahhhhh ! ! ! " Adah heard herself scream and she opened her eyes . The nightmares where she had been abandoned and was falling into an abiss had been common after her mother died when she was younger , but she hadn 't had one in a long time . Panting and sitting on her bed , almost crying , Adah tried to control her nerves and her breath . The evening had been fairly quiet and uneventful after the lights went out . Oren wasn 't sure what he had expected to happen , but the princess it seemed went right to sleep . After a time Oren had taken a seat on the edge of one of the chairs he pulled near the door . He was used to standing most of the night for he was a guard , that was his job , but he figured no one would really care this time . The princess had been asleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours when Oren became aware that the princess 's sleep was no longer peaceful . He could hear her thrashing , and moaning in her sleep . Her breathing became labored and suddenly she screamed and sat straight up in the bed . Oren took three long strides forward to the bed side , putting him just out of arms reach of the princess where she sat in the center of the big bed . He was trained to handle external threats , criminals , rapists , spies etc . He did not know what to do for internal threats like this ; it was almost certainly a night terror . Oren had seen his sister have one when they were children a few times . After a long moment Oren spoke , " My lady ? Are , are you alright ? " he said his voice hesitating , was it alright to ask ? Was this something else he was supposed to ignore ? His hand had instinctively extended towards her almost as if he were going to try to touch her , as if he would pat her shoulder or take her hand if she had been closer . Oren was close by and that was a relief for Adah . She hadn 't been abandoned after all , she wasn 't alone and she didn 't feel as lonely . It had been just a bad dream , but a very bad one at that . " No . " she said , still shaken , her voice barely audible . With the light that was coming from a lamp near Oren 's chair , she could make out little more than shadows . She noticed Oren 's hand held out , it seemed that he wanted to touch her but wasn 't sure he could . Adah would be forever grateful if he did touch her , deep down she was still afraid she was in the desert , with no one by her side . Deciding to take things literally in her own hands , Adah took Oren 's hand with hers . His touch was comforting ; as soon as skin touched skin , she felt better , safe and in peace , especially deep down in her soul . Oren 's hand was big , warm and manly , not as soft as her father 's , the eunuchs or the dress maker . She didn 't touch men 's hands often enough to compare , however . His presence filled the air around them while she held on to his hand . She wanted and needed more of the safety Oren transmitted her so she quickly knelt on the bed . In a heartbeat , she was sweetly pressing her lips to his , seeking to feel more and more of his presence , wanting his warmth . Adah had been wanting to kiss Oren ever since she saw him for the first time . The handsome guard had certainly made her want him . She suspected his kiss was even better because she was craving it , her need for him showing . Her naked body , shivering despite the warm air around them , rubbed against the rough fabric of Oren 's uniform . Her body was used to silk , the finest linen and cotton produced in the known world and such a different fabric was certainly a strange sensation on her skin . Oren felt her take his hand in hers . Her hands were small and delicate , very smooth . He could feel her slender fingers sliding over his palm as she seemed to explore his hand . His hands were large , fairly graceful for a man , but calloused from work in the fields as a teen on his father 's farm , and more recently from sword and bow and ax and other weapons of war he had trained with . He thought this was somewhat taboo enough , but it seemed to please and comfort her when suddenly she moved . She pulled herself up using the leverage of his hand and pressed herself to him her lips meeting his . Oren knew in that instant that something was going on that shouldn 't . However he was so stunned that he didn 't pull away . He didn 't totally kiss her back but he didn 't pull away either . His hands came up to her shoulders but to pull her closer or push her away it was obvious even he didn 't know . Adah almost let out a tear of despair and sadness when Oren didn 't kiss her back . Did he hate her kiss ? Did he hate . . . her ? Lying back down , she rolled to the other side of the bed and lit the lamp that was standing there . The dim light showed Oren her beautiful face , her pleading eyes , her glorious nakedness . She knelt back on the bed , assuming the exact same position she had before . Adah faced her guard , the handsome tall man she had been desiring for so long now . She raised her hand slowly , meaning to touch his face and pull him towards her but she didn 't touch him yet . If only he could understand how much she wanted and needed him , she was sure he wouldn 't refuse her his kisses and maybe even his caresses . After all , he was a man and she was a woman , willing to take him in her arms and give him the affection a virgin Princess could give . Guards were seldom married , but maybe he had fallen in love with some servant . That would pose a problem , Adah thought . If he loved another , if he truly loved another woman , not even her body , her face , her richness or her nobility could make him kiss her back willingly as she wanted him to . For a moment , she feared Oren 's heart had been stolen and therefore he couldn 't give her his attention . |
" Adah , my dearest daughter . I can see your sadness and I understand it . " Said Adah 's father , the King . " But this war against the Roman Empire must be fought . King Leon , your betrothed , is leading the troops . You cannot be married until the war in won ! My child , I am old or else I would be fighting myself . Let Leon fight and then join our kingdoms as one . " " But , Papa . . . " Adah pleaded . " I 'll soon be 20 winters old ! All the girls my age have little ones of their own already . I can 't be expected to wait forever until I dry inside ! " Adah stormed out of her father 's throne room , her four big , chocolate brown dogs followed her . She wanted to be married and get a new life soon . She was tired of the Palace life and marrying King Leon would be her way out . King Leon was a handsome man , known to be a good lover . He had his harem , of course , but Adah was the one chosen to be his Queen . All Adah knew about Leon was the stories and descriptions she had heard from other maidens and from tradesmen . The man who brought her the finest linen from Egypt told her he was tall and broad shouldered , had dark hair and dark eyes but that had sounded like a generic description of any warrior from this part of the world . Nearing her room 's door , Adah gave the dog 's leash to one of her servants . The servant was to brush and feed the dogs , as well as take them to wherever it was that they slept . Adah was too nervous to think clearly and when she was this nervous , there was only one way of relieving her tension . She went in her majestically decorated room . Light shades of pink from the drapes to the carpets filled the room . Pillows in every size were scattered all around the floor . She sat at her dressing table , brushing her long blond hair . It was no secret she had the Eunuchs of her father 's harem come to her room to please her and tonight she would fetch one of them for her pleasure . Adah took all her clothes off and put on a transparent dress of the finest silk . It was the color of the sky on an early Summer morning . Her body could be seen through it , every curve , every inch of skin . Five gold bracelets adorned her left wrist , a heavy necklace adorned her neck . Barefoot , she stepped out of her room , making her way to the harem . She was very much aware of the guards looks and swayed her hips a little more than what was normal for her . Making her way back with an eunuch by the hand , she didn 't fail to notice a particular guard . She had never seen him and yet he was wearing the black robes and wide metal belt characteristic for the Palace 's guards . She smiled at him , thinking that he was the most good looking of the guards . The next morning , Adah got up and dressed for the day with the aid of her three maids . A light mint green long dress , with a slit that showed more than half of her thigh and with enough cleavage to show she was a definitely a woman and not a girl would be good for the day . Silver jewelry completed the look . As she left her room for her morning walk in the garden , she saw the new guard again . " It 's the only way you can move up in this world I want you to have better than I did … " Those had been some of his father 's words spoken on his deathbed as he pleaded with his son to go serve King Ezra . Reluctant to disobey his father 's last request and not relishing the idea of being a farmer or mercenary anyway , Oren had gone to the palace and asked to be a guard . He had trained as a palace guard for over 2 years and was good at long range patrols , and had never seen the royal family save when the king had approved his application to serve . All that changed when he found himself reassigned to the princess 's personal guard . Gone were his times in the wooded grounds patrolling , where more often than not the palace 's historian , an elderly fellow who happened to be Greek would stop him to listen to his long windy history lessons . All the other guards had to have to listen to the old man , but Oren had always enjoyed learning about the land of his mother . His mother had been Greek , something many people didn 't know about him , and he found the tales of the Greek generals and heroes , their gods and goddesses fascinating . He would now have to walk around guarding some spoiled rich girl . He mentally chastised himself for such thoughts about his lord 's daughter . All the guards told interesting stories about her , and the number one rule he had been told about guarding her was you didn 't see anything . He didn 't know what this meant until that first night . He watched the princess walk out of her room in a completely see through gown . He had to proverbially put his eyeballs back into his head . He hadn 't expected her to be that … revealed . Remembering the rule he snapped his eyes away figuring this meant he shouldn 't stare at her , of course , you didn 't see anything made perfect sense , right ? You didn 't see the princess 's breasts so carry on with your duty . But no this wasn 't it at all ; the real meaning of the rule came into play a few moments later as she sashayed past leading a eunuch fromThe next morning Oren had trouble looking at the princess without remembering what he 'd scene , and yet also had trouble not staring at her . How did the other guards ignore her appearance ? Hell he was pretty sure they didn 't even look at her as a person just as an object to protect . He hoped this would get easier for him over time as well , for as it was the king was going to have him beheaded for staring at his daughter , or incompetence for some other reason . He cleared his throat when she spoke to him . He wasn 't told the royal family ever deemed to speak to the guards apart from giving them orders , weren 't they supposed to be invisible , figuratively speaking that is . He was so far out of his element . He was a good guard , skilled , well built , and able to move silently and swiftly . He was good with weapons training , had even killed in defense of the royal family , but there was no training course on how to respond to the princess 's talking to him . Would he be beheaded if he spoke to her ? Would he be beheaded if he didn 't answer her ? " Oren M ' lady . " He finally managed to reply , " I uh … was recently transferred to m ' lady 's personal guard . " He managed . His dark eyes roaming around , unsure where they should look , did he meet her gaze ? Did he look straight ahead ? Did he look down respectful ? If he looked down would she think he was eyeing her full breasts ? He knew how to interact with women although his experience was not vast , but not in this situation , she wasn 't just any woman . Adah giggled softly . She could tell that what the new guard was telling about being new in her personal guard was true from the nervous way he acted . Adah leaned to the left slightly , trying to meet Oren 's dark and soulful eyes . " You can look at me , you know ? " She ran her finger through his jaw line , encouraging him to look at her big hazel eyes . " I like it when handsome men look at me . " She smiled what she hoped to be her most dazzling smile and then turned her back to go meet her ladies in waiting for their morning walk . While Adah , Miriam and two more ladies in waiting walked around a garden , the slave Atia , a roman woman captured by her father 's warriors , came bearing news . King Leon was in a battle field three day 's journey north of the Palace . When the battle was over , he would travel south and come meet Adah at last . She thought he was hansom … was this a good or bad thing Oren wondered . He obediently gazed into those eyes . Fortunately her attention seemed somewhat mercurial and she was soon off to see her ladies . Oren took a step closer being sure to remain close but out of the way . He heard that King Leon would be on the way to meet the princess . Oren didn 't know much about Leon other than the typical rumor mill that went around . He watched the princess order servants around , and took a deep breath trying to get a grip on himself , he hoped this would get easier with time ; at least her attention was no longer on him now . " Princess , now that we have settled in the cut for your new dress , would you be so kind to choose the color ? " A short , old , bald man who had been the royal dress maker to her mother and was now Adah 's asked . Adah imagined the dress in several colors . It was a respectable dress , not as skin baring as her usual attire . It was important to look pure , gentle and demure for King Leon . The dress was so simple and understated that it required a strong color - Adah was not a shrinking violet and she didn 't want to be mistaken for one . Speaking of violets . . . " I think a reddish purple silk will be best . I know you have some , I saw it around here somewhere . " Adah said , sure that the color would make her light skin and hair appear even lighter and more desirable . " Get out . " Adah said . As the dressmaker opened his mouth to speak again she raised her voice and repeated : " Get out ! And take these filthy , ugly cloths with you ! " She yelled , nervous . She stripped the dress she was trying on , which left her naked . Her full , rounded breasts with nipples erect from the cold of being naked , her rounded hips , the narrow and trimmed tuft of hair between her legs displaying yet another proof of her womanhood , all exposed . She threw the dress at the face of the little bald man . " Guards ! Guards ! Escort this man out ! " She said . Lowering her voice , she turned to the little man . " You are very lucky I will not report you to my father . Go , fetch the cloth I ordered and don 't dare to answer back to me anymore . I want it and so I shall have it and that is true of whatever there is in this world . " The guards at her door entered and left with a man and his assistant , who carried all the samples they had brought . Adah sat on her bed , biting her lower lip so hard she could almost taste blood . She was furious ! Not knowing if King Leon would like her , not knowing if he 'd take three days , a week or a month to get to the Palace and , on top of all that , having mere servants disrespect her was too much to bear . Still naked , she took a decorative vase from her bed side and threw it hard against the door , breaking and reducing it to almost powder . Oren stood at the door again and he could hear the princess 's clear agitation . He was glad he was not the guard assigned to be in the room while she was trying on dresses , Oren was sure that that would be most awkward . Abruptly the princess shouted for the guards and Oren was through the door in a split second , his crack training kicking in as he came through the door , knife in hand sure the princess was no less than being raped . Much to his embarrassment there was no need for his knife . The princess was indeed naked but she was a good 10 feet from the nearest person and that was the dressmaker who was dry washing his hands nervously . Oren couldn 't help raising an eyebrow . His knife had disappeared almost as fast as it had appeared . He escorted the man and his assistant out and idly wondered what that was all about . Oren wanted nothing more than to ask his fellow guards if things like that happened a lot . He had seen the princess naked … unofficial rule number 1 … Things seemed to settle down for a few moments and then there was a crashing shatter against the door . Oren 's fellow guard had he still been there would have told Oren to ignore it that it was the princess having a tantrum , however he had left to escort the dress maker to do the princess 's bidding . Therefore , Oren pulled open the door to pear in at the princess . " Is everything alright M ' lady ? " he asked after his eyes scanned the room , seeing to his dismay that the princess was still naked , a hint of pink coming into his cheeks . The Princess smiled at the pink in the guards cheek . Only that could make her smile . " Every thing is fine , Oren . Thank you . Don 't worry . I haven 't had a good day today . " " Say , guard , why are you blushing ? Do you not like what you see ? " She was needing reassurance in her beauty more than she needed to tempt the guard , but she he was just caught in her fire line . " I am sorry M ' lady has not had a good day today . " He said softly . He was about to leave when she spoke again asking about his blush . " Uh no ma ' am that 's not it at all . I am just new to this post and I am finding it … different than I expected . Of course my lady is beautiful , there is no denying that . " He said his eyes making their best effort to stay on her eyes and not somewhere farther south . He made a supreme effort to not react to being addressed as guard , but . hadn 't she recently asked him his name ? " Thank you , Oren " She answered softly . He seemed like a nice man and didn 't deserve a display of her temper . She dismissed the handsome guard , got dressed and went to sleep . She didn 't get up to have dinner . She didn 't get up to find pleasure . She only got up the following morning . The dress situation was eventually resolved with the aid of Adah 's aunt , who was one of the women in her father 's Harem . She convinced Adah that choosing another color was best and that keeping the same dressmaker was safest . The following night Adah left for dinner with her father , the King , and some guests . The spiced wine made Adah warm and ligh headed . She was so involved in the conversation with the guests that she lost track of how much she actually drank . She felt her knees tremble while she made her way to her bedroom , but she also felt other needs . She needed to be touched , to feel pleasure , to have her body teased and to let go and lose her soul for a moment . She made her way to the bedroom , she was far too inebriated to walk alone to the harem . She would send a servant to fetch her one . When she reached the door , she saw Oren , the guard . He was at waiting for her at her door , why he was alone she did not know . Adah had a hard time opening the door . " Oren , please help me . You 're so handsome , make yourself useful . " As Oren opened the door for her and she made her way in , she stumbled and fall into the guard 's arm . She looked up into his dark eyes when he caught her . Oren had gone about his duties for the rest of that evening . He morning found him out in the yard doing morning exercises with the other guards . He had drawn night dutie for the princess this day so had most of the day off . Oren stood alone at the door to the princess 's chambers . The other guard dropped the princess off and muttered something about going to get the princess some water . Oren was surprised , wasn 't that what servants were for ? He was unaware that he was the butt of a test . All the guards new to the princess were left alone with the princess at a time like this … to see if they would make a move on the princess , or more likely as it seemed she would make a move on them and they 'd give in . Oren stiffly moved to open the door for her , her words about make yourself useful and talking so casually about his looks did sting the young man 's pride . For a flash there he wondered exactly why he had signed up for this job in the first place . When the princess stumbled he caught her , his hands settling around her waist keeping her from falling . " Are you alright my lady ? " he asked steadying her and trying to take a step back away from her hands still on her encase she was still unsteady . " I . . . I 'm . . . fine . Sorry about that . " Adah said , not even trying to smooth her dress . Though the guard was trying to both hold her and step away , their faces were still very close to each other . Adah could feel Oren 's warm breath , his strong hands holding her . Desire for the guard bloomed , but he was forbidden territory . Letting a guard please her was never a good a idea . She did let some guards serve her in her bed before , but they had always ended up thinking they owned her and they thought they could tell her what to do . They wouldn 't respect her after they had touched and kissed her , after she had taken her pleasure from them . She had hated feeling like an object , like one of the women man hired in the city . Adah took her clothes off and went to bed to await the eunuch . Her eyelids were heavy , her body seemed to have lost all strength . Maybe should could just rest for a moment before the handsome , strong guard brought back someone to kiss her body in full . The guard nodded slowly to the princess 's request , but then she made it an order . For a moment he thought about disobeying her , but knew that could not end well . Bowing his head he moved to do her bidding . He moved down the long winding hallways to the Harem . When he got there he saw the king was there being pleasured by a number of women . " Can I help you guard … ? " he paused obviously seeking the guard 's name . " Oren my lord . " " What are you doing here Oren ? " he asked his tone suspicious . " Forgive me my lord , I am newly assigned to the inner palace I was merely lost . " He knew better than to say the princess had sent him to find her someone to please her . The king looked suspicious ; " Really … " he said drawing out the word . He turned to one of the women , an older woman who seemed in charge , " He is lying to me is he not ? He has come to lay with one of you . " " Uh no of course not my lord . I know no one is allowed the use of your personal ladies without your express permission . Please believe me . If I need a woman I know where to go in the city . " He stammered blushing . How did he manage to get himself into this mess ? The king could have him executed and it was all that spoiled drunken princess 's fault . " Well be gone from here , do you not see I am occupied ? " The king almost yelled at him . Snapping to attention Oren gave a bow and left . His steps carried him back to the princess 's chambers where he knocked before he entered seeing the princess in bed . Oh good , he thought maybe she 's asleep and I will not have to share my failure . " My lady , I was unable to bring you a eunuch as you asked ; your father was in the harem and I couldn 't very well tell him you sent me . " He said hoping he had said the right thing , he really didn 't know what he should have said in this instance . Adah slept all through the night . She woke up the next morning with a headache and not remembering what had happened in full . She remembered talking to Oren and falling into his arms , but nothing else . She remembered how it felt to have his strong hands around her waist , his broad chest close to her , his manly smell , his warmth . Oren was a good man , or so he seemed . He was thoughtful and didn 't look down on her . He didn 't seem to treat her as an object he was just keeping safe . He was also good looking , Adah actually though he reminded her on a Persian Prince she met once when she was a child . She was a little girl , but she remembered he looked like on of the pagan gods drawn in pagan temples . She got up , ate some fruit that had been left for her and dismissed the servants . She put on a emerald green dress , the skirt made several layers of sheer fabric that , once on top of one another , looked no longer sheer . The dress covered only one of her shoulders . She added emerald bracelets from her wrist almost to her elbow and brushed her hair . " Please come in , Oren " the Princess said . She was using a low voice , too much noise made her head hurt . " I 'm a little embarrassed , but . . . what happened last night ? I remember you . . . erm . . . you helped me open the door . I seemed to be having trouble with that . But what happened next ? " The princess made no answer to his words , and after a few moments the guard turned and exited the room again . The next morning when the princess woke and came out of her room Oren still stood there . He was nearing the end of his shift and there were some lines of fatigue on his face although he still seemed alert . He obediently moved with the princess into her room gently pushing the door shut , glad for the moment that his back was to her as she began to question because it gave him a moment to school his features to not show his embarrassment . " Well uh … nothing much my lady , I kept you from falling , and then you sent me to the harem to fetch you a eunuch . " He said . " However I was unable to obtain a eunuch for your services m ' lady although I assure you I tried . You see , your father was in the harem , he seemed highly suspicious of why I was there . Trying to think fast I made up some story that I was lost . I did not think it was prudent to tell your father the reason for my visit . " He said his words obviously indicating he was protecting the princess 's honor . " I do not know if I did right my lady , but I did what I thought was best . " He did not say what else he was thinking ; he did not say that she had put him at risk so she could get off . He would gladly lay down his life for her protection but not in such a frivolous pursuit . " Was there a better way I should have handled it my lady ? " he asked his eyes moving to meet hers , remembering her words from the other day , that it was ok to look at her , to meet her eyes . Oren 's gaze upon her made her shiver slightly , a shiver that she hoped to be anger for being told off by a guard . However , she thought , it was important that he was being honest with her in telling exactly what happened . He could have said he fetched the eunuch and that they came to her chamber and she was asleep so they didn 't think wise to wake her . She wouldn 't know it was a lie , she would never find out . Also , he had been most kind as to try and protect her reputation and honor , though her father was probably aware of her sexual desires . " I thank you , Oren . And I am most grateful that you are being honest and true with your words . I am also in your debt for being discreet , I appreciate that . I know you risked angering my father and that it could have ended in disaster . " She paused to breath and to look down . She hadn 't been very nice to the handsome guard as of late - asking him to get her someone to serve her in bed must have been very humiliating . " I guess you will have the day off ? You seem tired , I wish you a good rest . You may go now . " She said , finally looking at the guard 's dark and thoughtful eyes . Adah felt better and the effects of last night 's excessive drinking were almost all out of her system . The headache had almost completely subsided . She arranged with her servants , ladies in waiting and guards to go to the market . The dress situation was still on her mind and she wanted to see if she found nicer fabric than the one her aunt had helped her pick . Also , she needed a new vase and choosing decorations always made her happier . The market was full of people , life and noise . The smells , the colors , the music , all of that reminded her why she was tired of living in the Palace . Wouldn 't it be so much nicer to actually have a life , a reason to go out ? Her father , King Ezra , was loved and respected for keeping the war at bay and for being fair . Logically , by association , his only legitimate daughter was loved as well . After seeing that the fabric tradesmen didn 't really have what Adah wanted and after buying a new , bigger , heavier vase , it was still early to go back to the palace . Adah and her ladies decided to look around the market , maybe find some handsome men to stare at and comment on . While walking around , they ended up in the part of the market where Leatherwork was made and sold . It had a distinctive smell and the stands were all owned by strong , tough looking men - probably men who used to be soldiers and were now too old to fight . A pair of black leather arm cuffs caught her attention . They were of a glossy black leather , embossed with a beautiful intricate geometric pattern . The seams were all reinforced and they looked very sturdy . They were one of the most beautiful and yet manly things Adah had ever seen and they stood out among all the other cuffs and leather goods sold at the shop . Adah inquired about the price , only to hear they cost just as much as enough silk for a woman 's dress . At that price , they would better be good and long lasting . Adah had always seen mercenaries , Generals and Kings who fought wear the pair of arm cuffs . Occasionally , chief guards wore only one on the arm that didn 't carry the sword . She had once asked a visiting General why he wore the pair of cuffs and not just one if it was to protect the arm against enemy swords . He had kindly explained to her that they served that purpose , but also they kept their wrists from being hurt should they need to use their fists against an enemy . It was a very practical use indeed . While all of these thoughts went through her head , Adah kept stroking the beautiful black leather , which happened to match her guard 's uniforms . " I will take them , I will pay right now from my own money . " She said . She gave the cuffs to Atia , the slave , and ordered : " The new guard , Oren , will start his shift at sun set . Make sure he gets these before he starts his work . Go back to the palace now , I won 't be long . " And so she wasn 't . When she entered her room to change for dinner , Oren still wasn 't in his usual spot by her door . Her father 's guests were still here and tonight 's banquet was going to be even more important and plentiful than last night 's . It was a really special occasion , with ministers , priests and every nobleman and rich mercenary in the kingdom . She was determined not to drink tonight , however . She asked the servants to only pour either pomegranate or fresh grape juice in her goblet , no wine whatsoever . Adah wore her favorite light pink dress , a richly embellished dress , with precious stones sewn into it . It was very heavy , the low cut top portion of the dress displaying her breasts proudly , covering just enough . Her round , soft , silky , full breasts were surrounded by pink sapphires , pearls and other precious and semi precious stones . She had a servant braid her hair and she wore a gold circlet on her head to further announce to the world that she was the only Princess of a rich kingdom and not just some other wealthy noblewoman . Adah wore perfume brought especially for her from the faraway lands of China and she even went as far as rimming her eyes with black makeup brought from Egypt . She looked every inch the dignified , beautiful virgin Princess she hoped others thought she were . She stood and made her way to the door . Oren simply nodded to the princess 's dismissal . He was tired indeed . He was relieved the princess was not angry with him for being honest ; it easily could have gone badly for him . Retreating to his room he stripped out of his uniform and lay down to rest . When he woke hours later he headed into the city , he had decided to get something to eat at the marketplace rather than within the palace . He found that he missed the more simple food he had grown up on , so occasionally did this to experience a taste of home . It was not like the guards were fed anything resembling the richness of the royal court ; however the food the guards ate was still different from that he knew . In the market he bought the fiery meat and spicy peppers that he was used to . The royals lived in a more temperate area , but they were not that far from desert lands and many of the kingdom 's peoples favored a style of food as harsh as the land they lived in . Oren stood leaning against a wall as he ate . He watched what he thought was the royal party moving across the market . There was a part of him that felt like he should have been there protecting the princess in public , but there was another part of him that knew this was his time off and he should enjoy it as much as possible . Oren slowly became aware of someone standing beside him . " Someone at the brothel was askin after you . " the voice of one of Oren 's fellow guards broke his inner contemplation . Oren raised an eyebrow , " Is that so ? What for ? " he questioned . " Says someone bought you the services of one of their ladies . Rumor has it that you got chastised by the king for trying to go to his own harem . " Here the speaker swatted Oren on the back of the head . " Are you a fool boy ? Do ye not know yer place ? " Oren rubbed the back of his head and glared at the other . Oren knew the reason he 'd gone there , and honestly so should the fellow , but there was no way Oren would mention it in a public forum such as his . So he merely turned away from the other guard . Looking up at the skyAs he walked back to the palace he reflected on his experience . Should he feel pleased that he found relief so quickly so he was not late for his duty , or should he feel irritated that he didn 't get to experience all that he could have from the woman ? He was again interrupted from his thoughts by a soft feminine voice . " " Excuse me good sir , but my lady the princess Adah sent me . " Oren looked up from where he was lacing his boots to see a pretty young girl . Searching his memory Oren seemed to remember her in the Princess 's entourage . " Yes , is there something I can do for you ? " Oren asked . He was a bit surprised when the woman held out the bracers . " The princess asks that you wear these . She asked me to give these to you , she mentioned some sort of gift . " The woman stepped closer and lowered her voice , " She said something about some sort of trouble with her father ? " Oren raised an eyebrow as he took the bracers . They were of very fine craftsmanship , and had to cost a pretty penny . " Uh , yes … " he said somewhat surprisedly , " Thank you I will certainly wear them . " He said placing them on each forearm . " If you will excuse me I am a couple moments late for the changing of the guard . " Oren arrived at the princess 's door , sliding into his place to the left of the door just as I opened and the princess stepped out . He hoped she had not noticed his lateness . He had only gotten one stern glare from the man he had replaced before the other had walked away . If she had noticed he could get in trouble . " Good evening my lady . " He said nodding to her , " Is it appropriate to tell my lady she looks beautiful this evening ? " he asked formally , his mind flashing to that moment the day before when she wanted to know that he found her attractive . Would Oren be at the other side of the door ? Would he be wearing her gift ? Only very wealthy men wore bracers of that quality and so adorned . She opened her door only to see Oren standing in his spot , the other guard leaving already . Oren looked like a nobleman despite wearing the guard 's uniform . He seemed taller today , more rested and even stronger than usual . He certainly had an air of satisfaction about him . In short , he was more handsome and enticing than usual . Adah blushed at the compliment . She didn 't remember blushing with compliments , being the King 's daughter , everybody felt the need to compliment her independently of whether the compliments were true or not . Oren 's words did sound true , however and Adah did go to great lengths to look even more like a Princess that night . " Thank you , Oren . " She told him , turning her big hazel eyes to his dark ones . " I 'm very glad you liked the present I sent you . " Adah said , smiling a bright and honest smile . Seeing that her gift had been appreciated made her happier than new jewelry and new dresses . Adah made her way to the banquet hall . The music was loud and there were people dancing already . Adah ate and drank her juice , getting asked to dance several times by several different men . It wasn 't until a young general asked her to dance that she accepted - dancing didn 't involve touching or anything of the sort , but having a nice looking dance partner made it even more fun . It was a very successful night from what she could tell . It looked everyone was pleased , businesses and politics were going well . Adah decided to go back to her room before too many people left . Leaving at the high point of a party was always the best option and the safest . She pondered going to the Harem to find an eunuch to finish off the night in the best possible way . She decided against it , she was a little too tired for that . Speaking of tired , her bed was calling her name and so she made her way to her bedroom , lighthearted and happy , humming one of the songs that hand been sang at the party . Oren was standing at her door , looking dashing as ever . Oren nodded , " Thank you for the gift my lady . " He said . He was not sure why she had bought him such a thing , but thought it was better to not ask . Oren watched the princess go towards the banquet . He stayed at her door , another guard falling into step behind the princess . Oren partially wished he had been assigned to be the one who followed the princess ; he thought such a duty would make him feel a little more important than just a door guard . The king sat with his advisors and wife , the princess 's step mother . He watched everyone enjoying the banquet . He was pleased to see his daughter was in rare form , very polite to everyone and level headed ; she hadn 't hlet the wine go to her head . As he ate someone came and leaning in close whispered something to the king . The king responded and from that moment onward the guards watched princess Adah more closely , and when she walked back towards her room there were a pair of guards flanking her rather than the one that typically shadowed her . One of the guards , an officer stepped ahead of the princess and addressed Oren before she arrived . Oren was just nodding as the officer finished speaking as the princess arrived . Oren couldn 't help raising his eyebrow at the princess 's question , " My evening was uneventful my lady , I assure you no one has been in your room since you left it . " He said . He was not even sure if his answer was honest or somewhat flippant . What did she expect his evening had been like ? " My lady , your father has asked that a guard be in your presence at all times until further notice . I promise not to be too intrusive . " And as she opened her door he stepped close behind her making it clear that he would be accompanying her into the room , an occurrence that was fairly are . Adah smiled , Oren would be in her room for the night . How odd , to have a guard in her room , uninvited , but spending the night none the less . She could think of many very good reasons to have a handsome man such as Oren in her bedroom , but her father 's orders certainly were not one of those reasons . King Ezra , her father , had told her he was worried for her safety with no many strangers in the palace , especially so many young men . He wasn 't scared that she would be hurt or disturbed , he was scared that someone would either try to rape her or that she would willingly give away her virginity to someone other than her future husband . The Princess ' virginity was important to the kingdom as it would later mean her marriage couldn 't be annulled . Adah started removing her jewelry and handing it over to her servant . She pondered asking her to hold a sheet or towel between her and where Oren was standing , but she decided against it . Oren had seen her naked on more than one occasion . He had seen her full breasts sway gently as she moved , he had seen the perfect triangle between her thighs , her curvy hips and rounded bottom move as she walked . Adah carefully took her dress of and handed it to the servant . It was a very heavy dress and very expensive , so all the care in the world was needed . She felt free when the dress came off her . Relieved that so much weight was off her , she declined when the servant handed her her nightgown . Though it was a simple , sheer , lightweight gown much like the one she had worn on Oren 's first night in as her guard , she didn 't want the fabric to touch her silky skin . She climbed onto bed , looking discreetly to Oren to access his reaction . To Adah , both exciting and surprising the guards was a game and had been so since she was old enough to know what men and women did when they were together behind closed doors . She dismissed the servant and told her to blow out the candles on the side of the bedroom where her bed was . Only the candles closer to Oren were still burning and only him and Adah were in the bedroom now . " You may sit , if you wish . " She said to Oren from the dark . There were chairs and pillows all over the bedroom and even an ottoman close to the door . Oren stood with his back to the wall beside the door . To say that this was awkward was an understatement . He tried to keep his eyes off the princess as she disrobed , but he was still male . His eyes settled on her beasts , full and round , her nipples stiffened from the cool air or excitement . Oren finally managed to pull his eyes away from her . He let his eyes scan the room constantly roving , looking for any threat . He was mostly just trying to keep from staring at her . He found that the relief he had found at the brothel was fading fast as his body reacted to the sight of her . When the lamp was blown out and the servants left he found some relief he no longer had to look at her . This would make it more difficult to protect her , but it beat having to stare at her and hide how much he found her appealing . " Thank you my lady , but I will stand for now . " He said after a moment 's hesitation , " I am still on duty . " He said as if reminding both her and himself . It was the hottest day I had ever experienced in life . I was lost , alone in the desert . Everyone had abandoned me , I was thirsty and tried and hungry and , worst , lonely . I kept walking , maybe I could find a tribe in their tents and ask for help , or maybe I would see the rooftops of some village . A caravan with camels and people could pass me by or someone would come to my rescue . I walked , and I walked , then I walked some more . My eyes were burning with the wind and sand , as well as the sun reflected on the white sands of the big desert . Maybe I could walk and close my eyes for a little . I didn 't exactly feel my legs , but I figured I should rest my eyes first and my legs second , I really couldn 't afford to stop now ! I walked maybe a mile , maybe more . Who can tell ? Then , suddenly , I felt no ground beneath my feet . I must have walked straight into a cliff , for I was falling , and falling , and falling to certain death , but never reaching the ground . " Aaaaaahhhhh ! ! ! " Adah heard herself scream and she opened her eyes . The nightmares where she had been abandoned and was falling into an abiss had been common after her mother died when she was younger , but she hadn 't had one in a long time . Panting and sitting on her bed , almost crying , Adah tried to control her nerves and her breath . The evening had been fairly quiet and uneventful after the lights went out . Oren wasn 't sure what he had expected to happen , but the princess it seemed went right to sleep . After a time Oren had taken a seat on the edge of one of the chairs he pulled near the door . He was used to standing most of the night for he was a guard , that was his job , but he figured no one would really care this time . The princess had been asleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours when Oren became aware that the princess 's sleep was no longer peaceful . He could hear her thrashing , and moaning in her sleep . Her breathing became labored and suddenly she screamed and sat straight up in the bed . Oren took three long strides forward to the bed side , putting him just out of arms reach of the princess where she sat in the center of the big bed . He was trained to handle external threats , criminals , rapists , spies etc . He did not know what to do for internal threats like this ; it was almost certainly a night terror . Oren had seen his sister have one when they were children a few times . After a long moment Oren spoke , " My lady ? Are , are you alright ? " he said his voice hesitating , was it alright to ask ? Was this something else he was supposed to ignore ? His hand had instinctively extended towards her almost as if he were going to try to touch her , as if he would pat her shoulder or take her hand if she had been closer . Oren was close by and that was a relief for Adah . She hadn 't been abandoned after all , she wasn 't alone and she didn 't feel as lonely . It had been just a bad dream , but a very bad one at that . " No . " she said , still shaken , her voice barely audible . With the light that was coming from a lamp near Oren 's chair , she could make out little more than shadows . She noticed Oren 's hand held out , it seemed that he wanted to touch her but wasn 't sure he could . Adah would be forever grateful if he did touch her , deep down she was still afraid she was in the desert , with no one by her side . Deciding to take things literally in her own hands , Adah took Oren 's hand with hers . His touch was comforting ; as soon as skin touched skin , she felt better , safe and in peace , especially deep down in her soul . Oren 's hand was big , warm and manly , not as soft as her father 's , the eunuchs or the dress maker . She didn 't touch men 's hands often enough to compare , however . His presence filled the air around them while she held on to his hand . She wanted and needed more of the safety Oren transmitted her so she quickly knelt on the bed . In a heartbeat , she was sweetly pressing her lips to his , seeking to feel more and more of his presence , wanting his warmth . Adah had been wanting to kiss Oren ever since she saw him for the first time . The handsome guard had certainly made her want him . She suspected his kiss was even better because she was craving it , her need for him showing . Her naked body , shivering despite the warm air around them , rubbed against the rough fabric of Oren 's uniform . Her body was used to silk , the finest linen and cotton produced in the known world and such a different fabric was certainly a strange sensation on her skin . Oren felt her take his hand in hers . Her hands were small and delicate , very smooth . He could feel her slender fingers sliding over his palm as she seemed to explore his hand . His hands were large , fairly graceful for a man , but calloused from work in the fields as a teen on his father 's farm , and more recently from sword and bow and ax and other weapons of war he had trained with . He thought this was somewhat taboo enough , but it seemed to please and comfort her when suddenly she moved . She pulled herself up using the leverage of his hand and pressed herself to him her lips meeting his . Oren knew in that instant that something was going on that shouldn 't . However he was so stunned that he didn 't pull away . He didn 't totally kiss her back but he didn 't pull away either . His hands came up to her shoulders but to pull her closer or push her away it was obvious even he didn 't know . Adah almost let out a tear of despair and sadness when Oren didn 't kiss her back . Did he hate her kiss ? Did he hate . . . her ? Lying back down , she rolled to the other side of the bed and lit the lamp that was standing there . The dim light showed Oren her beautiful face , her pleading eyes , her glorious nakedness . She knelt back on the bed , assuming the exact same position she had before . Adah faced her guard , the handsome tall man she had been desiring for so long now . She raised her hand slowly , meaning to touch his face and pull him towards her but she didn 't touch him yet . If only he could understand how much she wanted and needed him , she was sure he wouldn 't refuse her his kisses and maybe even his caresses . After all , he was a man and she was a woman , willing to take him in her arms and give him the affection a virgin Princess could give . Guards were seldom married , but maybe he had fallen in love with some servant . That would pose a problem , Adah thought . If he loved another , if he truly loved another woman , not even her body , her face , her richness or her nobility could make him kiss her back willingly as she wanted him to . For a moment , she feared Oren 's heart had been stolen and therefore he couldn 't give her his attention . |
PaybackChapter 1I lived and went to college in the same town I grew up in . All my friends ( minus the few that moved away or had died for some reason ) lived nearby . My father owned and operated the local building supply center and hardware store . He had wanted me to get my degree and come back to help him , eventually to take over the store . When I was young he had forced me to work in the store . I spent many evenings and weekends there before I got out of high school and during college . I enjoyed talking to the contractors that purchased their material from Dad . When I made deliveries I watched how they built things and asked questions of them . I can 't say I hated the job in Dad 's store but I didn 't like it . The best part of the work was going on deliveries to help unload and later making the deliveries by myself . I really did not want to take over the store . When I was not working in the store I did like many boys in town and mowed yards for pocket money . One day I was working for a widow and watching her try to repair a storage building in her yard . She was having a lot of trouble , partly because she did not have the proper tools for the job , partly because she was not strong enough to do the heavy work and partly because she just plain did not know how to proceed . Finally when I finished the yard I offered to help her . At first she was hesitant because I was just a fifteen - year - old boy . To this day I do not know where I got the courage to push her to hire me but I did . I told her it was obvious she was not able to do the work and I thought I was . I told her some of the things I saw her doing that were wrong and pointed out that she just was not strong enough or tall enough to do the job . I told her I would do it for $ 50 . 00 if she bought the materials . I told her if she did not like the work after I was finished she did not have to pay me . Finally she agreed to let me do the work . I did the job to her satisfaction and she paid me . She actually did something more valuable for me than give me the money though . She began telling her older single friends about my work and how good a job I did for her both on the repair and in mowing her yard . I began getting calls from other women wanting me to repair things for them . I was always careful to do the work correctly . If I did not know how to do something I would ask one of my contractor friends . I always charged less than a real , licensed contractor would charge . After I had worked for several older women I began to get calls from men and families . By the time I was in college I had a small handyman business and had many of the necessary licenses to do the work . I also still had my lawn care business . I had to hire my friends to help from time to time to keep up - especially in the summer . I was making enough money in the evenings , weekends and summer to pay for my college , a newer truck and my dates I was also able to enjoy my youth although I have to admit I did work long hours and my dates always started later than most boys dates did . After I graduated high school I got tired of living with my parents and rented an apartment . I lived in the apartment during my first year of college . I did not enjoy apartment living so began looking for a house to rent after the years lease ran out . One of my friends from high school had just divorced one of my best buddies , Joe . She had caught him cheating with one of our classmates and filed for the divorce . Glenda worked as a real estate agent and struggled to make ends meet . We were talking one evening , commiserating about her failed marriage at our favorite hang out . We both lived in apartments and neither one of us liked it . I told her I was thinking about renting a house . I asked her if she had any reasonably priced rental properties she could show me . She asked how much I could pay . When I told her she looked shocked and said , " Hell Stan with a thirty year loan you could buy a pretty nice house for that much a month . Why don 't you buy a house instead of rent ? That way you could build equity instead of pouring your money down a deep empty rat hole as rent . " I told her I had never considered that . I said I didn 't have too much for a down payment . " Well , let me do some checking and I 'll get back to you , " she said . When I left the hangout I managed to get an older friend to buy me some beer . By the time the evening was over I forgot about our conversation but she sure didn 't . I guess the thought of a nice commission does that to you though . The next Monday evening Glenda called me and asked to meet her at the bar again ( in our town we had several bars that served burgers and sodas in a small room where under age people could eat ) . When I walked in she had some papers in front of her and she seemed excited . Almost before I got seated she began talking , " Stan I found several places that I think you can afford but most of them aren 't in very good locations . I did find one place for sale that I think you might like . Do you remember the old Harris place on the edge of town ? " I nodded yes and she continued , " Well you know when they got older they built a nice new three car garage and put a ' mother in law ' apartment over it . I think they were planning to use it for a live in caregiver if the need arose . The new garage was several feet from the house . Two years ago you remember the house caught fire ? " I shook my head yes again and she said , " Well they decided not to rebuild and moved into a retirement community here in town . The garage was not damaged too badly during the fire . I was talking to Etta the other day and she said they were tired of paying the taxes on the place and doing what little upkeep they did . She said they wanted to sell the place and I listed it . It is twenty acres and they are asking $ 110000 . 00 for it . You would have to do a little work on the garage and apartment but it would be great for you . The best thing is all the utilities are already in . There are several newer houses going up in the area so I really expect a contractor to try and buy it soon and subdivide it . It isn 't in the multi list book yet so it hasn 't shown but a time or two . They would only need about $ 20000 down . . . Stan ; a twenty year payment would be about half the rent you now pay monthly so if you could make the down payment I really think this would be a good deal for you . " I thought about it for a while . I didn 't have that much money but from what I remembered of the place I really wanted it badly . I told her I wanted to look at it the next evening . Later that evening I went to Dad and asked if he would loan me the down payment . I have to admit he was not real anxious to do so but I reminded him the monthly payments on the land would be half the rent I now paid so I could pay him some back each month after I got the apartment repaired and livable . We finally agreed he would loan me the down payment if I wanted to buy the place after I saw it . That next evening I went to the place and fell in love with it all over again . Even with the burned out shell of the house there it was even prettier than I remembered . The fire didn 't even kill all the trees and shrubs in the yard . I could look down the hill to a small stream meandering through the property . I told Glenda to write up an offer of $ 90000 . Tuesday evening after classes I got a call from Glenda . She sounded excited and said , " Stan I can 't believe it . When I presented the offer to Etta and Homer they were going to reject it out of hand . I was getting ready to leave when she turned to Homer and asked him if he thought you were the nice young man that had cut their yard all those years . They asked me if you had a mowing service in school and when I told them you did they smiled and began telling me what a nice young man you were . Anyway , they won 't take $ 90000 for the place but they did counter with $ 97500 . Isn 't that great ? " I didn 't think for very long . I said , " Yeah , that 's fine . Tell them I will pay that and I want possession at closing . " The bank required my father to cosign the loan but it went through and I got possession of the property in late April . I made the necessary repairs and moved into the apartment the first of June . The next few months I kept busy on my summer business of yard work and small building projects . By now I had ten employees , most of them seasonal . I had a little time to date Patty and begin to clean up my property . After I got the trash from the burned house cleared away I had an engineer friend look at the foundation . He decided the foundation was sound since the sub flooring had not burned through ( the fire had been in the attic and second floor primarily ) so I could use it to rebuild . This would save several thousand dollars because I did not have to do as much dirt work and didn 't need to pour a new cement foundation . The house had been a smaller older structure of about 1000 square feet on the first floor . I rented a backhoe and extended a foundation toward the garage . Doing almost all the work myself , I began to use my spare time and spare cash to build myself a nice home . I connected the house to the garage with an enclosed cement floored , glassed in breezeway . I made arrangements to put a large hot tub on the cement pad in the breezeway . I put a wood stove in this area for heat and ducted it into the rest of the house as I built it . The summer I got out of college I finished the house . It was 2450 square feet and I built it for comfort and convenience . I had stainless appliances , granite counter tops , oak trim , and brick exterior . In short , it wasn 't a McMansion but it was a very upscale home . I had a beautiful covered patio facing south overlooking the small stream . I had finished it for about half the cost it would have sold for . Patty loved it . When we got married I almost got the impression Patty was marrying me for my house instead of myself . After what I saw last night I wonder . . . By the time I got out of college I had graduated to building new structures . I built additions , repaired older homes and buildings and garages too but now a lot of my income came from new structures . I now had twenty employees . Patty began working for my father in his business when we became engaged . After she got her degree she became a full time person and assistant manager . He was grooming her for manager when he retired . I was an only child so the business would pass to us upon his death . I bought all my materials from Dad so we compounded the family profits from my construction business . My wife Patty and I were childhood sweethearts and I thought like most married men that we would be together forever . Oh , sure we had the normal squabbles like any married couple but they were minor . When we were dating in high school and later in college we had broken up like most young couples do . We both dated others and were intimate with others during that time but we always came back together because we could not find anyone we loved more . I did have one girl that might have been the one but one of my friends had her tied up before we made that decision . Finally in our last year of college Patty and I became a solidly exclusive couple . That Christmas I asked her to marry me and she said yes . Patty set the wedding date in September after we graduated . The wedding almost didn 't happen even then because of Patty 's insistence on a Pre Nuptial agreement . Now I wish we hadn 't married . Oh , well , on with the sad story . Apparently Patty had inherited several hundred thousand dollars from her grandfather and she or maybe her father did not want me to get my hands on it . I told her I had no desire to spend her money and I resented the fact she thought I would marry her for it . In any event we were not speaking very kindly to each other the night she told me about the Pre Nuptial agreement . I suppose , now , that I was lucky that was an evening my parents were out for a drive and decided to stop off and see me . Dad and Mom watched as she stormed to her car and drove off . I was still standing with the Pre Nup in my hands when they turned to me and asked what our argument was about . I told them and Mom said , " Oh , Stan , we thought it might be something important . Honey we know you aren 't marrying her for her money so what 's the big problem ? Sign the darn thing and marry the girl if you love her . " Dad was sitting with a frown on his face and asked if he could see the agreement . He looked it over closely and said , " This seems pretty straight forward except she did not have the attorney exempt your place here or your potential inheritance from us from the community property . It seems fair that if she exempts her funds and anything she may inherit from her side of the family that the same should be exempt for you son . Why don 't we take this to the business attorney and have him make suggestions ? " I reached for the agreement and read it through . Dad was right . It only addressed her money and her inheritances . I began to get angry again . I agreed with him and he said he would make an appointment for me . I had used his attorney for my few legal needs so I guess he was really my attorney also . I got an appointment for the following Tuesday and the attorney agreed with Dad . He scanned the agreement into his computer and made the changes we discussed . When he finished revising the agreement it exempted my land and business and anything I might inherit just as it exempted the same thing for Patty . I went to her home the evening my attorney finished the changes to the agreement . I had already signed it . When Patty and her father read the new agreement they both became angry . He looked at me and said , " Just what is the idea of changing the agreement we prepared young man ? I thought you loved my daughter and now you are accusing her of wanting to take your house and business ? You know when you marry that will become her home also . If , heaven forbid , you divorce don 't you think she would deserve a place to live ? " I became angry with him and replied , " Yes sir . She would deserve a place to live but it seemed fair to my father and to me that if the possessions she had before we marry and her potential inheritance were to be protected in case of divorce the same should apply to me . You will note that any accumulation we have from earnings or investments during the marriage would be divided equally unless the marriage ends due to infidelity . In that case each of us would leave with what we brought into the marriage or inherited and the non - injured party would leave with 75 % of the marital assets accumulated after the marriage . I feel that there should be some penalty built into the agreement as a compensation or punishment for any infidelity . " Patty and her father were way beyond upset . They were furious about the proposed agreement . Needless to say for the next few days ' things were very tense between Patty and me . I asked several times why she was so upset about the agreement since she was the one that wanted a Pre Nuptial Agreement . Most of the time Patty said it was because I wanted to turn her out in the street if we divorced and she loved that house as much as I did . She didn 't think it was fair for me to get to keep her home if we divorced . I was almost ready to ask for my ring back when she began to thaw . She signed the changed agreement but it took us several weeks to get back to where we were before she asked for a Pre Nuptial Agreement . We finally forgot our anger and forgave each other for the hurt feelings raised by the Pre Nuptial agreement . We married as planned and for the next two and a half years we did not look back and were never sorry . We never looked at another person as a lover - or at least I didn 't . Now I know Patty did . I caught her yesterday . The only problem I had with Patty working in the lumberyard was all the flirting she had to put up with . I admit I was a little jealous but I knew many of the men that purchased items from Dad . They were pussy hounds and Patty was a beautiful , fun loving woman . One of my friends - Joe - was already divorced because he couldn 't keep his pecker in his pants . Many times I would go into the store and find him flirting with Patty . I won 't say we argued over him or the flirting she did with other men but we did have some spirited discussions . Patty maintained , and to a degree , I agreed with her , that she needed to flirt a little to keep the customer 's happy . I told her I thought she just needed to treat them nice , friendly and be their friend , not a flirt . Of course she took exception to me calling her actions flirting and said that was just what she was doing . My college degree was in construction management and Patty got one in business administration so our degrees supported our vocations very well . Shortly after I got out of college I decided we had enough money to build a home on speculation . Dad let me be an exception to his rule requiring all accounts to be paid at the end of the month . He said since I was family I could draw up to $ 100000 on account and pay when a house sold . He did keep a lien against the properties however in case something happened to me . All other customers were supposed to pay in full monthly . I was good at my work and knew it . I was a general contractor but I used very few sub contractors . I had my own framing , dry wall , finishing , plumbing and wiring crews . I did hire the heating and air done . I even used my still operating yard care crews to landscape and put in yards on my projects ( assuming of course , that the clients would hire us to do so ) . In any event , I used the Speculation house to keep my crews busy during off periods . I did not want to lay my men off if I didn 't have to so I tried to keep them busy . We finished the spec house and it sold before we had the yard in . I started another and it sold before it was finished and we finished it to the new owner 's desires . Now I had enough money saved to do two spec homes at once . All at once the business was booming and I almost didn 't have time to do the smaller jobs that had once been my bread and butter . Between Patty 's salary and my profits we were in tall clover . We were rapidly becoming one of the highest income families in our small town of about 25000 souls . All our success came at a price though . I would work eight to ten hour days with the crews and do paperwork before and after the day 's construction . Evenings I would meet with customers and potential customers that worked to make bids and discuss progress on their projects . Patty took to working late in the office to do her books . We seemed to have less and less time together . Many times I would go by the building center and see her car and two or three other 's there . Sometimes I would go in and there would be Joe or one of our other classmates sitting talking to her . They all worked in the building trade so were supposedly getting prices from her but something just didn 't feel right . Sometimes Patty would be flushed when I went into the office and many times they would be drinking beer . Of course I would have one with them and we would visit but things felt wrong to me . Finally I decided to disable the local buzzer on the building alarm . Normally when someone entered the building by any of the doors a buzzer went off . I disabled the one on the entrance from the warehouse . Yesterday before I dropped by Dad 's store I was a loving husband with a wife I would die for and two friends that I enjoyed greatly . I had a very successful construction business and a great future . I was looking forward to the time my wife and I would have a child . Today I am a bitter asshole bent on destroying my wife and friends . Oh , I don 't plan to do anything to get myself put in jail but . . . Hell , who knows ? I might slip up and go berserk . I suppose you might want to know why I changed overnight ? Well , I didn 't really change overnight ; rather I began worrying several months ago and changed in the blink of an eye . Listen to my tale of woe and follow along as I careen down the pathway of revenge . Last night when I went past the store Joe 's and George 's trucks were both in the lot . I turned into the lot and went to the door with the disabled buzzer . I knew before I even got to Patty 's office what I would find . I could hear her moaning and screaming from halfway across the building . I took out my cell phone and set it to take pictures . The damn slut didn 't even have her office door closed . She was bent over her desk and Joe had his pants down . He was standing behind her slamming his cock into her cunt . I watched and took pictures as he grabbed her hips tighter and slammed deeply into her . I saw his hips clench and his ball sack drew up against the base of his cock . I watched as his muscles clenched and released as he pumped his seed into my wife . Finally he pulled back from Patty . She continued to lie over her desk . I watched Joe 's sperm drain from her slightly open cunt and run down her thighs . George walked up beside Patty and helped her stand . He pulled her to him and gave her a deep French kiss then said , " Here Honey . Let 's get you naked . I want to play with your tits while I fuck you . " I watched and took a picture while George helped Patty strip . I was going to get a picture of him fucking her then go in and wreak some bodily harm on my two ex friends . I backed from the doorway so they wouldn 't see me until I was ready . I remembered Dad usually had a tape recorder in his office and went to see if it was there . I wanted to tape some of the conversation if I could . I found the tape recorder and brought it back . I sat it on the floor beside the door as I watched my wife service my two ex friends . Patty was lying on her back across her desk . George was slamming his cock into her cunt as hard as he could . Patty was moaning around Joe 's cock as she fellated him . Her gorgeous breasts were bouncing back and forth from the force of George 's thrusts into her cunt . Each of his thrusts drove her onto Joe 's cock . I continued to take occasional pictures until they all three had their next orgasm . From the way she acted Patty had the best one of her life . I know it was a larger one than any I had given her . I was further infuriated by the conversation I taped . As she was sucking him I heard Joe say , " Damn Patty aren 't you glad you let me fuck you again at the Christmas party two years ago ? I told you it would be the best damn sex you ever had in your life didn 't I ? I was talking to Jared the other day and told him about the hot honey I was doing now and he wants to meet you . Are you sure you won 't let him come in some evening also ? " Patty pushed him away and turned her head to him . " NO . I don 't mind doing you two , hell I love doing you two but I don 't want or need anyone else . I didn 't like him when we were in school and I still don 't . The one time he fucked me before Stan and I got married he was an asshole . He hurt me and didn 't even make sure I enjoyed myself . I always enjoyed our time together before we got married and I still enjoy it . If you can keep your damn mouth shut we can keep this up for ever but you have to be careful . Stan is getting really pissed at the way you two are acting when he can see us . If you don 't cool it I will have to cut you off . " I decided I had enough on tape and enough pictures . I had picked up a ball bat when I was in Dad 's office when I was there . I was going to put the hurt on Joe and George . I picked it up and started into the room when I had a thought . George had always been really jealous . He was married to his high school sweetheart still . She and I had dated several times . In fact they did not become serious until after Patty and I became engaged . I had enjoyed fucking her so I thought I might just see if I could seduce her before I did a number on him . In fact , that would probably be a better payback than just knocking him around . He always cried in high school when she and he were on the outs and he hated it the few times I had dated her . I quietly backed from the room and left the building . I did set the alarm and reattach the buzzer wires on the door as I left . I couldn 't wait for the excitement when Patty and her two friends set off the burglar alarm when they walked across the show room floor to leave . The alarm keypads were beside the doors and there were motion sensors in the main part of the building so before they could discover the alarms were set the alarms would go off . I knew she would be able to disable the alarm but the damage would be done . She would wonder how it got set and she would have to wait in the building for the police to come . I wondered how she would explain the alarm and if Joe and George would have enough sense to leave before the police got there . Patty was very late getting home . She came into the house and walked up to me very nervously . I watched her face and she seemed scared . I smiled to myself and asked her , " What 's the matter Honey ? You seem nervous and you 're a lot later than you usually are . " Patty licked her lips and sat on the edge of her chair facing me . She said , " I was working late . We couldn 't get the books to balance and I didn 't think I would ever find the problem . What were you doing tonight ? I thought you might come by or at least call since I was so late . " Patty 's face got white then she blushed . " Damn you Stan . I keep telling you nothing 's going on . Joe and George weren 't even there . Why can 't you get it through your damn head that I have to visit with them to keep them happy ? " " Ok , Honey , " I said . " I know you have to schmooze the customers . I just drove by about six thirty and thought I saw their trucks there . " " Well , they were there then . They came in just about closing time and I had to wait for them to pay for and load their order before I got to the books . They were gone shortly after closing . I just meant they weren 't there the whole time I was . I 'm tired . I 'm going to take a nice hot bath and go to bed . " Patty looked worried again and said , " No , I 'm sorry Honey . I 'm really bushed . I don 't feel like it tonight . Why don 't we have a quickie in the morning before we go to work ? " I just smiled to myself . I thought it would be a cold day in hell before I went for sloppy seconds . I wondered how many times I had gotten them without knowing it . I made a mental note too that I needed to get tested for diseases also . I had just said that to jerk Patty 's chain . The next morning early I left before Patty woke up . As soon as my attorney 's office opened I called for an appointment . He managed to fit me in at noon if I would take him out for lunch . I agreed and we grabbed a quick meal at a sandwich shop near his office . He wanted to talk about the problem there but I asked him if we could just eat in a hurry and go back to his office . He said , " Of course but what could be so secret we can 't talk here . I do a lot of business over lunch . " When we got to his office I began explaining what the problem was . I told him I wanted a divorce immediately based on Patty 's adultery and wanted the Pre Nuptial enforced to the letter . I showed him the pictures and let him listen to the tape . I also told him I would appreciate it if he only showed the pictures of Joe and Patty and didn 't use the tape unless he had to . " Laurence ( the attorney ) broke in on my conversation . " Whoa there Hoss . I hope you aren 't planning anything violent . I have to report something like that as an officer of the court . " I laughed and said , " No , I 'm not planning violence . I used to date George 's wife Susan . She and he dated and broke up several times and twice I dated her during the break up . They almost always go to Murphy 's Tavern on weekends . I think I am going to make some moves on Susan to piss George off . I want to give her the info I have on him cheating but I want to play with his mind first . She will get a heads up on this and I will get a little payback on good old George . He used to get so angry every time she dated someone else and I hear he gets jealous when she spends too much time dancing with other people . I just want to see if I can seduce her after my divorce is final and let him find out about it . I guess you could say I want to give him a dose of his own medicine . I also intend to try and seduce Joe 's fiancé . There will be no violence unless one of those assholes starts it . " " Stan I don 't like this . It could blow up in your face but you are right . There is nothing illegal about seducing a woman but you should know they could sue you for alienation of affection . " I laughed and said , " Let them bring it on . I will counter sue and I have pictures and a tape to use in that suit . Don 't you think it would be almost a wash ? " Laurence leaned back in his chair and thought a moment . Finally he said , " Yes , the suits could possibly balance out if one is filed but you need to remember you might have larger assets than do they . Even if you both won the lawsuits in court you might come out worse off financially if there is a judgment against you . Besides , don 't you think that is a disgusting thing to do to those ladies ? I suppose they will be hurting enough just finding out about their men cheating on them . If you use them like that it will surely hurt them worse . " I have to admit , my heart was made of stone now . I said , " I don 't care . They took that chance when they chose those cheating assholes . " Wednesday I received a phone call from Laurence . He told me the divorce was ready to file and he planned to serve Patty that afternoon . " Great , " I said . " I 'll get busy and change the locks on the doors this morning . I will pack as many of her clothes as I can and put them on the front porch . I am going to place pictures of her and Joe on every door so she can see them when she comes over . " Hooooo Boy ! I don 't know who was the angriest when the shit hit the fan at Dad 's store . I got a phone call from three very angry people within minutes of Patty being served . She called and had a screaming fit then told me I would be sorry I was ever born . Dad called just after she stomped from the store . Her father called and blessed me out just after I hung up from talking to Dad . While I was talking to Dad I said , " Dad I really need to thank you for talking me into that Pre Nuptial agreement . I filed for the divorce because I walked into the office Saturday night and found Patty having sex on her desk with Joe and George . I have pictures and a tape . Thanks to you I will get to keep my home and business as well as three fourths of our assets . I do think you should change your store locks and the computer passwords in case she decides to do something we wouldn 't appreciate . I suggest you fire her but that is your decision . You need to decide if you can trust her after this . " " Damn Son . I . . . I just can 't believe that . Right here in the store ? Yeah , I 'll have the girls get right on the changes to the computer and so forth . We 'll be over this evening to talk some more . " When Dad and Mom came to my home that evening they were devastated . Mother , especially had loved Patty . She was the daughter they never had . I convinced them that it would be best if they let Patty go . I said and I really believed that Patty might do something to damage the business if she remained in her position . The next morning when Patty found out she not only lost her husband but she had lost her job she became really angry . The next Monday I received a counter suit for the divorce and Dad was served with a suit for wrongful dismissal . It looked like we were going to be giving Laurence a lot of money over this mess . We decided to have an outside accountant do an audit of the business also . I was sitting in the bar Tuesday evening when Glenda walked in . Like most friends in our town , she didn 't ask if she could join me , she just plopped down into the booth across from me . " What 's this I hear about you and Patty , " she asked . I said , " Depends on what you heard but I suppose most of the rumors are true . I caught her and Joe screwing in her office after work the other day . I got pictures and filed for divorce . " I laughed and said , " Well , Dad did let her go but it was because she did what she did in the office and because he had our CPA come in and check the books . I can 't say what they found but she had made some other mistakes also . Now can we just let it go ? " " Yeah . I 'm sorry though . I know how you feel . That damn Joe did the same thing to me you know . Bastard never could keep his pecker in his pants except when he was at home . " I saw a small tear run down Glenda 's cheek . I reached over and wiped it from her face then said , " Yeah . I think he screwed almost all the girls he ever dated and a lot of other men 's wives . That was partly why I didn 't want Patty to flirt with him or be alone with him . I really didn 't think he would turn on a friend like that though . " Glenda and I downed a couple beers while we visited then I walked her out to her car . Just before she got into the vehicle she gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek . " It 'll get better Stan . I promise . " Days seemed to drag on , work came and went . Some of my friends gathered around me to support me in my sorrow , some gathered around to support Patty and were no longer friends . Dad 's trial for wrongful dismissal was to begin on a Monday . I was at home the Sunday before when I heard a voice calling to me from the side of the house . I have to admit I did not rise to greet my visitor . In fact , I fell on my ass trying to do so . I had been communing with John Barleycorn all afternoon and I am afraid he tripped me up . Well , to be precise when I tried to get up from my Adirondack patio chair I got my foot caught and fell on my ass . There I was lying on the ground in a puddle of spilled Glen Morangie looking up the dress of one of my best supporters . Glenda was standing looking down at me laughing . She squatted to help me up and I saw a sight I had not seen for months . I was looking at beautiful smooth feminine thighs coming together at a pantiless smooth shaven little cunny . I felt my cock surge to attention in a microsecond . Unfortunately , Glenda saw where I was looking and said , " Damn it Stan . Get your eyes back where they belong . " She twisted her knees away from me and reached her hand out . " Here , give me your hand and I 'll help you up . Can you even stand by yourself ? Before she could help me up Glenda broke out in a loud laugh at my comment . She did help me to stand and I was able to do so more or less by myself after we quit laughing . I invited her to sit in one of the chairs across from me and I more or less fell back into mine . Glenda was becoming almost a fixture around my house . Other than my mother she was almost my only feminine companion and I treasured her company . Unfortunately , today I really didn 't want to see anyone and I am afraid it showed in our talk . Finally Glenda looked at me and asked , " Stan did I do something to make you angry ? I know it was mostly my fault you looked up my skirt when I came . I " I felt my chest heave and my eyes began running . I hurt and could not talk . I scrunched up my face and just shook my head at Glenda . " No , " I whispered . " You are almost the only one who even comes around any longer . Today I have been feeling sorry for myself . I have also been thinking about the court case tomorrow . A few months ago I thought I had it all , a loving wife , a great business , you know , the American Dream ? Now all I have is a broken heart , busted marriage and I am facing court battles to keep my and my families material possessions . " " I am so angry with life and with what Patty did to me I have turned most of my friends against me . All I know is I want to hurt Patty , Joe and George and Patty 's parents so badly they will be sorry they ever heard of me . That is almost all I think of any longer . I have plans and they are not very nice . I know when I follow through on them you will leave me too and damn it I don 't want that but I can 't help it . I want to HURT those bastards and I know when I do it will hurt me too . " Glenda rose from her chair and sat in my lap . She wrapped her arms around me and just held me . I felt her soft breasts pushing against my chest and I remembered she had no underwear on . I felt my cock surge to life again and I wiggled trying to shift it to a more comfortable position . I felt Glenda shift her position and heard her gasp . I saw her look down even though she could not see the bulge in my lap . " Why Stan ? Why do you think I will leave you if you take revenge on those assholes ? Haven 't we been friends all our lives ? What are you planning to do that is so bad ? I don 't understand why you are angry with George though . OH ! Stan please promise me you won 't hurt them ! " " No , Glenda . Well , I guess that depends on how you define that . I don 't intend to physically damage them unless they come after me first . I intend to do my best to drive Joe into bankruptcy and out of town . I intend to use all the money I can spare to take care of him and George for that matter . Unfortunately for our friendship I think what I intend to do besides that will run you off . You see Glenda I intend to steal their women just like they stole mine . " Glenda pushed herself back from me and looked me in the eyes . " What ! Stan you 're not going to . . . What do you mean ? And you still haven 't told me why you want to hurt George also . " " Simple . I haven 't told anyone but George was one of Patty 's lovers so I owe him some pain . I 'm going to move in on their women and bed them . I 'm going to make them love me and take them from their men like they took Patty from me and I am going to make sure Joe and George find out about it . " " Stan you can 't do that . What about the poor girls ? That will hurt them too ! Stan please don 't do that . It would devastate those poor girls more than just knowing what a cheating bastard their man was . They would fall in love with you and then when they found out you were just playing them it would gut them ! I can 't believe you would even think about doing something like that . They 're hurt enough just being with those cheating bastards . " Glenda pushed herself back from me and struggled to stand . When she got to her feet she looked down at me . " Stan , you 're right . If you do something that despicable I 'll . . . Oh , I don 't know what I 'll do but . . . " Glenda turned and stomped out of my yard . I heard her car drive off shortly thereafter . My divorce was proceeding rapidly . Since we had such a good Pre Nuptial agreement it was mostly a slam dunk . I only had to wait for the normally slow movement of the courts . The trial for wrongful dismissal however was another matter . We were all nervous when the trial started . Patty 's attorney made my father and me look like ogres . He twisted our every sentence and tried to put words in our mouths . Finally things began to look up when our attorney began his questioning . He brought out how much time Patty spent visiting and flirting with customers . He called witnesses both from within and without the company to verify the behavior . He brought out the fact she routinely drank beer at the store and while it was not illegal if done away from the business area he made it look like she was ignoring her duties to do so . Laurence called Dad 's accountant and this was one witness that did enormous damage to Patty . The accountant said that Patty had authorized Joe and George to exceed their pre set spending limits and she had authorized them extra time to pay . In fact their accounts were three months past due and they were only making token payments . Patty 's attorney then asked about my large credit account and the fact I did not pay it off every month like the business required for other customers . My father said that was true but that he had made a special deal with me and took an ownership interest in my structures to protect the business in case I defaulted . He got the cost of the materials I purchased for the buildings plus a three per cent ownership for advancing me the materials . He pointed out that Patty had not only exceeded her authority in allowing Joe and George the higher credit but that she had not even tried to protect the business in case they defaulted . Finally the hearing ended after two days of testimony . When the decision was handed down Patty and her Father were almost charged with contempt of court . They were very loudly complaining because the decision went against her . In fact , the judge said , " Ms . Tremain you should thank your lucky stars your father in law chose not to refer this to the authorities . I think he could make a case for criminal negligence , perhaps even theft against you and your two accomplices . I would suggest you remove yourself from this courtroom and I would further suggest you think about the kindness shown you by these people . If they had counter sued I strongly believe they could have won a substantial settlement from you . " Patty and her father were sputtering and her face was white as they were escorted from the courtroom . As I was leaving the courtroom Laurence stopped me and said , " Stan I have good news for you also . Just before the hearing began this morning I was informed the Judge signed off on your divorce . In thirty days your marriage will be over . Do you want me to mail the papers or will you pick them up ? " That evening my parents and I were sitting on their patio relaxing after the trial . We were both glad and sad . We were glad we all came through unscathed ( except for the legal bills ) and sad that my marriage and their relationship with Patty ended the way they did . We had done a BBQ and were now sitting with our liquid refreshments while we just chilled out . In truth we were all feeling the effects of the liquor . I was just at the point of telling my parents how bitter I was . I said , " I still can 't believe my friends would do something like that to me much less that Patty would . If it takes me the rest of my life I am going to make them pay for this . " My mother looked at me in shock and said , " Oh , Stan . Please don 't do that . A man that lives with bitterness is a poor excuse of a man . Take the high road and live your life to the fullest . In the long run that will make your life more fulfilling and could even make those three sorry for what they did . " We heard the tap , tap , tap of small footsteps on the sidewalk just before we heard a female voice say , " Thank you Mrs . Tremain . That is just what I have been trying to get him to do . If anyone can feel the pain he does it is I and I think I have risen above it . At first I was just like Stan . I wanted nothing more than to eviscerate Joe . Bit by bit as time went past I began to let my anger and my desire for revenge slip away . One day I realized I not only didn 't care any longer but I realized in almost every way I was better off without the cheating bastard . " Glenda came fully onto the patio and looked directly at me . She continued , " Stan I know how empty you feel now . I know the feelings that are still burning through your consciousness but believe me , dwelling on them just make them worse . Please , please let the anger go and get on with your life . Just next time be more careful ; be more sure of the friends you choose and the woman you take into your heart . If you were to be honest and admitting hindsight is 20 / 20 I bet you can see the seeds of this heartbreak existed before you married Patty . I know I could and still can see that in Joe . He always had an eye for the ladies and always chatted them up . He was always more attentive to them when we were out than he was to me but I thought I was in love with him . I know you have said Patty was a lot like that . She always flirted with other men and reveled in their attention . Look into your heart and use this knowledge to better yourself . Don 't lower yourself to their level and hurt someone . In the long term it won 't make you feel any better . " I looked up at Glenda . She was standing looking at me and I would swear there were tears in her eyes . The sun was behind her and her thin sundress didn 't hide much . I could see the outline of her very womanly , very desirable body and felt myself respond . With superhuman effort I wrenched my gaze from her . I felt a flash of disgust with myself . Here I was , not completely divorced and I was drooling over a friend . Glenda went on with her conversation . She said , " I 'm sorry for just dropping by but I was on my way down to the tavern and wanted to congratulate you on your success today . I have to admit the phone wires have been buzzing this afternoon as people pass on your success in the lawsuit . " Glenda looked at all of us and smiled gently then continued , " I 'll go now but . . . well , be careful and don 't . . . Oh , hell , I 've heard already that Patty has some friends that are talking trash about you and they have made some threats . I just wanted you to be careful and watch out . If you have too much more to drink . . . Oh , hell , I 'm sorry . I 'll just go . Goodnight . " Glenda turned and rushed from the patio toward her car . We all just sat there and looked at each other . To say we were shocked was an understatement . Mother summed it up best when she said , " Oh , I just can 't believe that . How could anyone . . . WHY would anyone be that upset at us ? " We continued talking for a short time about nothing of any consequence . I decided I was sober enough to return to my own home . I was getting ready to leave when the phone rang . Mother went in to answer it . I could hear her say , " OH , no ! When ? Ok , he 'll be there as soon as he can get there . " She came out of the house crying and ran up to Dad . She said , " Cedric that was the police . The silent alarms have gone off in the store and they want you to come down and turn them off and see if anything is missing . They say the first car on the scene has said most of the windows have been broken out . Oh , Cedric how could someone do something like this to us ? " Dad and I went to the store . When we got there we found two patrol cars waiting on us . We went inside and turned off the alarm . We walked around and did not find anything obviously missing but told the officers we would have to take an inventory to be sure . There was some damage to some of the items inside from where the rocks had hit . We called Mom and had her bring down some sleeping bags so we could spend the night . The next morning early we called the insurance company and then made arrangements to have the glass replaced . I went home later that evening and found some of my windows also broken out . I called the police and reported the vandalism . Of course they asked their questions and when asked if I knew of anyone who might do something like this I said , " I . . . a few months ago I would have said no but now , especially after what I was told yesterday afternoon late and what happened last night I have to say I might . I just received a divorce because I caught my wife cheating with two of my friends . She used to be assistant manager at my parents store . When I filed the divorce Dad let her go . He had the books checked and found many improprieties . She filed a wrongful dismissal lawsuit against him and he received a judgment in his favor yesterday . A friend told my parents and me that my ex wife and two ex friends had been making threatening comments . Now I wonder if either of them or her or her family could be involved in this . I know her father was extremely angry over the whole thing and cursed me several times . " Of course we had said something similar when the police took the report at the store . Now I was somewhat more sure we were on the right track . After the vandalism things got back to normal , or at least as normal as they could be considering the hole that had been torn in our lives when Patty was forced out of them . My parents tried to get back to the way things were and I struggled . Some days I would do OK but usually when I got home I would remember Patty and the evenings would be crap . If I was working I could function fine but the alone times were bad because it had been several years since I had been truly alone all night . I began going out most evenings for supper . I usually had supper in one of the sports bars or local hang outs so I began drinking more than I had before . Of course this just tended to make me lonelier and angrier with Patty and her lovers . I would see some of my crew or some of the friends I still had from time to time . They would try to cheer me up and slow down my drinking but I didn 't let them . Occasionally I would see Glenda and she would try to get me to let it go . One Thursday evening I was out and saw a group of women sitting around a table drinking and having a good time . One of the women caught my eye . It was Susan , George 's wife ! Now , as far as I knew no one knew George had been one of Patty 's lovers . I remembered my promise to make him pay and walked up to the table they were at . I bent down and said , " Hi Susan . It 's been ages since I saw you . Would you dance with me ? " I smiled and took her hand to help her from the chair . I wrapped my arm around her waist as we walked to the dance floor . We had only danced a few seconds when the song ended . She started to head for the table but I held her . I said , " Oh , come on Sue . You promised me a dance and we hadn 't even gotten going yet when the song ended . Surely you can give me a whole song to dance to ? " Susan relaxed and smiled . She flowed back into my arms when the next song started and we began swaying to the music . She sighed and said , " You always were a good dancer . I wish George would take me dancing more . I always loved to dance when we were dating . " She laid her cheek on my chest and we swayed to the music until the song ended . She started to the table before the next song started but I held her hand . When she turned to look at me I gave her a puppy dog look and said , " One more please ? For old times sake ? " Susan looked toward her friends then smiled a nervous smile and moved back into my arms . As we danced I said , " I don 't mean to make you nervous . Since my . . . well since Patty left I 've been so lonesome and it feels good to at least be able to dance with someone again . Sometimes I don 't know how I 'm going to make it . " I jerked my head back and glared at her . Before she could react I hissed , " Jealous ? I guess in a sense I was but I 'll be damn if I let my wife fuck my friends and not do something about it . You 're right , I kicked her out and I 'd do it again but I still miss her . I " It was Susan 's turn to break in . She said , " What do you mean ? I heard you were upset with Patty flirting and finally just kicked her out of the house then filed for divorce . " I stopped dancing and just held Susan as I explained what I had seen the night I caught Patty . I did leave George out of it this time because I still wanted to make him feel the pain of seeing his wife with someone else . When I finished talking Susan looked at me and said , " Stan I just can 't believe that . I know Joe is a horn dog but even he would not do that to a friend . I 've known Patty all my life and she 's just not that way . Are you sure you actually saw that ? " Now I was pissed . I said , " Yeah , I know what I saw . If you don 't believe me come out to my house and I 'll show you the pictures . " I turned and started to walk away when Susan grabbed my arm . " Stan , I 'm sorry but . . . well , George said you , that you were just on a real tear . I " All at once I remembered I still had the pictures on my phone . I really wasn 't thinking when I pulled it out and said , " Here . Look at these pictures and tell me Patty or my friends wouldn 't do something like that ! " I handed the phone to Susan and stood as she scrolled through the pictures . I heard her gasp when she saw the first one of Joe and Patty . I had forgotten about George . I remembered his picture was on the phone when I heard Susan cry out and I saw her stop scrolling through the pictures . She was staring at a picture , and then tears began rolling down her cheeks . I saw her move to the next picture and she began bawling . She dropped the phone and ran toward her friends . Now I felt like an asshole . I ran after Susan and was intercepted by two of her friends . One of them said , " What did you do to her ? I thought you were a friend . Why is she crying ? " I pushed through the two of them and knelt by Susan 's side . I took her hand and said , " Susan , I 'm sorry . When you didn 't believe me I got angry and decided to prove I wasn 't lying . I forgot I had the pictures of George on the phone . I " All the girls except for the one trying to calm Susan down gathered around my phone to look at the pictures . They were all muttering and I could tell they weren 't sure whether to be more angry with me or George . Finally Susan looked up at me and said , " Just get out of here Stan . Please just leave me alone . " I stood and took my phone from the girls . I slowly walked away and drove back to my home . I felt like crap . I really did like Susan and now I was party to her unhappiness . I wondered how I could have ever thought what I had planned to do to her was OK . I was sick at the hurt I had caused her just by letting her see the pictures . How much worse would it have been if I had taken her to bed and then sent the pictures to George before I let her see them ? I was sitting on my patio communing with John Barleycorn when I heard a car drive into my driveway . I didn 't move even when I heard the car door slam and the pounding on my front door . I took another drink and sat staring across my little slice of heaven . I could make out the shadows of the trees in the moonlight . Finally I heard the tap , tap , tap of small feet coming around the house and a voice yelling , " Stan where the hell are you ? I know you 're home I can see your truck in the garage . Stan I 'm not leaving until you talk to me . Now open up . " As she was saying that the woman walked up to my back door and began banging on it . I turned and saw Glenda as she stomped up beside my chair . " Damn you Stan . I just came from the bar and grill . Did you really have to hurt Susan like that ? You just couldn 't leave it alone could you ? I ought to beat the tar out of you . " I sat and stared up at Glenda then grabbed her arm as she slammed it down trying to strike me . As I was wrestling with her trying to keep her from hitting me she lost her balance and fell into my lap . I quickly wrapped my arms around her and held on as I said , " Glenda stop it . If you don 't stop I 'm afraid one of us will get hurt . Look , I 'm sorry I upset Susan tonight . It wasn 't intentional . I had been thinking about what you said and all I was doing was dancing with her . She began getting on my case because of the way I treated poor Patty and I lost it . She told me I got what I deserved for being so jealous . Without thinking I told her I had pictures of Joe and Patty on my phone . I forgot there were also pictures of George there and when I handed it to her for her to look at she saw them . Of course that hurt her and she began crying . She and her friends told me to get the hell out and I did . " " Everyone I had talked to about my planned revenge had advised me against getting it by taking the women . I had already decided not to do that . I know I hurt her but I just didn 't think and I didn 't do it on purpose . At the same time though , don 't you think she deserved to know what an asshole , what a cheating bastard George is ? Of course if she had any sense she would have realized that by now . She caught him cheating on her enough while we were in school she should have known he was a cheater . Once a cheater , always a cheater ya know . " Glenda was still struggling but she had calmed down considerably . Finally I felt her relax even more and she demanded I let her go . I carefully relaxed my arms and she moved from my lap and over to one of my chairs where she once again sat down . I could tell she was looking at me . I heard a sigh and then she said , " Stan I don 't know what to believe . When I got to the bar Susan and her friends were already gone but everyone I talked to told me what a butthead you had been to her . They said you were dancing and then she broke away from you and ran back to her chair crying . I just thought . . . Are you sure you didn 't do anything to her ? " I reached into my pocket and threw her my phone . " Here , " I said . " Call her yourself and ask her what I did . All I did was forget the damn pictures on my phone and she saw them . I didn 't " Glenda and I heard a roar , then screeching tires . Almost immediately after that we heard the crash of metal on metal . We next heard a car door open then slam closed . We heard running footsteps and a male voice yelling , " Stan you son of a bitch . Get your damn ass out here . I 'm going to kill you , you son of a bitch . " We heard a splintering crash then footsteps slamming through my house . Lights began to come on as the intruder went from room to room . I could see George taking swipes at some of my belongings as he went through my house room to room . Finally he came back to the kitchen and saw Glenda and me on the patio . He didn 't even open the sliding screen door , he just ran through it and toward me . I had stepped away from the chair I was sitting in to meet him . I jumped back just in time as I saw the tire iron he swung at me . " You mother fucker , " he screamed . " You didn 't have to show Susan those damn pictures . It 's not my fault you couldn 't rein in your slut . But NOOOO . You 've always tried to get Susan away from me . Even in High School you did all you could to steal her . Now you 've ruined my marriage and this time you 're going to pay you bastard ! She kicked me out of the house tonight and said you had showed her those damn pictures . Didn 't you learn anything from having your house and store trashed ? I guess we 'll just have to trash you this time . " George swung the tire iron once more and this time it hit me on the shoulder . Damn that hurt . Thankfully it was a glancing blow . I could faintly hear Glenda talking on the phone as I dodged George 's blows . I managed to get my chair between us and after he swung once more I picked it up to use as a shield , perhaps as a weapon . George kept swinging the tire iron and hitting the chair . He was so angry he was crying as he screamed at me . Glenda was trying to calm him down and he turned toward her . " Shut up you Bitch , " he screamed at her . " I might have known you would be around somewhere . Birds of a feather do flock together don 't they ? What , are you here to celebrate fucking over Joe again ? " George took a swipe at Glenda and the end of the iron caught in her blouse tearing it opened . He stumbled and almost fell . As he was stumbling we heard the sirens from the arriving police cars wail to a stop . We heard the cars screech to a stop in front of my home . I saw the flashing of the red lights on the surrounding trees and watched as officers came around my house following the sound of the altercation . As the officers came onto the Patio George caught his balance and turned to me once more . As he turned he screamed , " You Mother Fucker . I 'm going to kill your ass . You 've fucked with me for the last damn time . " He began moving toward me once more . The lead police officer took in the situation and said , " Sir . Put the tire iron down and stay where you are . George looked over his shoulder at the police and continued toward me . This time when he got close to me he lunged and brought the tire iron down in an overhand strike . I was backing away and trying to get the heavy chair up to block the blow when my foot hit the edge of a flowerbed . I lost my balance and fell backward . The chair landed on top of me and I felt intense pain as George stumbled and fell on top of me . He lost his grip on the tire iron but was still trying to hit me . The officers moved to us and grabbed George . They quickly put him in cuffs . One of the officers led him back around the house to the car . The other officer moved the chair off me and helped me stand . " Are you all right Sir , " he asked . I was standing breathing hard . I felt the shakes begin then I was enveloped in a hug as a crying Glenda enveloped me in her arms . I looked toward the officer and said , " Yeah , I think we 're fine . He got in a couple of licks but I don 't think anything serious is wrong . Just give us a moment won 't you please ? " I turned to Glenda and cuddled her to me . I ran my hand down her hair and over her back . I said , " Shhhh . Glenda , it 's OK now . It 's all over honey . Just calm down now OK ? Finally I felt Glenda relax . She quit shaking from her sobs and she just clung to me . I bent down and gently kissed the top of her head then turned to the Officer . " Ok . I think she 's ok now . Can we get on with this ? " I looked up and saw a couple of plain clothes types coming into the yard . They already had their notebooks out and their cameras working . It took two hours to give the statements and show them the damage to my house . George had slammed his truck into Glenda 's car when he arrived so we had to fill out reports about that too . We found out ( as if we hadn 't known it ) that he was drunk as a skunk when he arrived too . It looked like he would have several charges laid against him - DUI , Breaking and Entering , Assault ( two counts ) and possibly attempted murder ( Glenda verified he had threatened to kill me and the first officer on the scene verified he had made the threat when he attacked me at the end ) . By the time all the officers had gone Glenda was still clinging to me and softly crying as we sat on my couch . I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly 3 a . m . I sat and gently held Glenda as she drifted off to sleep . I moved from beside her and bent to pick her up . I carried her to my guest room and lay her on the bed . I took off her shoes and covered her with a blanket then staggered to my own room . I was still asleep the next morning at ten a . m . when I heard first a banging on my destroyed front door then footsteps coming across my living room and down the hall . I slipped from bed and moved to hide behind the door in case the persons coming were not friendly . As the steps came closer I could hear talking . I heard two female voices and a man 's deeper voice . I finally recognized them and stepped from behind the door to confront my father and mother . They had Susan with them . All three jumped when I appeared from my hiding place . Susan and Mother gasped when they saw me and Dad said , " Damn Stan . You look like hell . Are you OK son ? " My left arm was hanging almost useless from the bruise and I knew I would need to have it x - rayed . I had several scratches and I was pretty dirty because I had not even cleaned up before I crashed the night before . I gave them a small smile and said , " Yeah , I guess I am . My arm hurts like hell and my place is a mess but at least I 'm alive . " Susan pushed past my parents and hugged me . She looked up into my eyes and said , " Oh , Stan . I 'm so sorry . This is all my fault . When that drunken cheating assed bastard came home last night I didn 't even let him in . I had put some of his clothes in a suitcase and threw it onto the porch . I told him we were done and to get away . I 'm so sorry I told him I had seen the pictures on your phone . I didn 't know he 'd try to hurt you . I 'm so sorry Stan . " As she was talking Glenda came padding up behind my folks and Susan . She stood looking at us for a moment then moved through the group and stood beside me . Her face looked so scared when she touched my left arm gently . She gasped when I said ouch and jerked away from her . She started to pull back and I wrapped my arm around her . She tensed up then I felt her relax and move into my embrace . All three of my guests were staring at us . I said , " Glenda was here when George arrived last night . " I looked over at Susan and continued , " She was giving me hell for being mean to you when George came screaming into my drive and slammed into the back of her car . She saw the whole mess and almost got hurt very badly when George tried to hit her with the tire iron also . " I quickly turned her toward me and stepped back . I tore her blouse open as I said , " Shit . Are you hurt bad ? I 'm sorry Glenda I didn 't know that asshole actually hit you . Why didn 't you tell me you 'd been hurt ? " Glenda grabbed her top and tried to hold it closed as I bent forward to see how badly she had been cut . She backed away from me and stood half turned away from us . " Stan , it 's OK . He just barely broke the skin . It 's only like a skinned knee and not more than a couple of inches long . I 'm OK Stan ! " Mother and Susan grabbed Glenda and pulled her toward the master bathroom . I heard mother say , " Come with me Glenda . I don 't care if it is only a scrape we need to clean it up and take care of it . We also need pictures of it in case the police need them . " Dad and I looked at each other a moment then turned to go into the kitchen to make coffee . We were sitting on the patio drinking our first cup when the three women came back out . Glenda was wearing one of my shirts . Glenda pulled one of my chairs up near mine before she sat down . We all sat and finished the pot of coffee and discussed the night before . As we were visiting I found out that Susan had read about George 's arrest in the paper . It had only said I had been injured , not how badly . She rushed over to my parents house to see how badly I was hurt . They had already seen the article and called the police for information . They were just coming out of the house to come see me when she arrived so she came with them . They said they had tried to phone me but got no answer . That , of course , got me looking for my phone . I could not find it and so finally I had mother dial it . We heard it ringing and found it lying on the ground in the flower bed near where I had fallen the last time . Apparently Glenda had dropped it when George had attacked her . After we found the phone the three women went into the house and began preparing lunch . I realized I was starving . I had not had supper the night before and no breakfast either . I took a nice hot shower while they were preparing lunch . When I was finished I made Glenda take one also . After she returned from her shower we ate and visited until mid afternoon . I don 't know how many phone calls I received from friends and employees checking on me . I also had several visitors stopping by to be sure I was ok . The only phone call I really minded came from my ex . She didn 't identify herself but I saw the phone number was her parents so . . . All she said before she hung up was , " You lucky Bastard . " Over the course of the next week things got back to normal . I repaired my house and continued with my business . If anything , this little altercation helped me . I got several requests to bid a job because the customer read in the article that I operated a construction company . Now I have another problem . Well , it 's not really a problem I suppose . I have this darn woman coming around all the time to check on me or to make sure I am eating right . I have to admit it sure is nice to get home and find Glenda waiting on me . I finally gave up and let her have a key . Now I come home and find supper ready and a smiling super hot female waiting to serve the meal and eat with me . I 'm thinking about making it permanent but . . . |
Genre : general ( it 's got bits of everything ) Summary : Qui - Gon 's journal as he trains to be a Jedi This is a repost from the old board . If you want to see the old one or the reviews for it , you can go [ link = http : / / boards . theforce . net / message . asp ? topic = 10642272 ] here [ / link ] . PROLOGUE - Added 20 / 8 / 03 Life will become a painless death Love will become a blinding hate Without dark there is no light Who will tell the future 's fate ? Shadows of stars and the longest darkness Alll shadows that cover the heart Fate is not created by destiny In love and faith will the fight start . * Two sons of fallen ones , to guide and save the light . Two daughters of the universe - bright stars in the dark night . One to choose the future . . . the choice of light or love . Seek the answer in the first betrayal . . . * * * * * The flames reached higher . . . . * * * * * Eridar Ololian lay next to the campfire and stared up at the sky . The smoke mixed with the stars , giving her the impression that the whole sky was burning . Aside from the sound of burning wood and the crackling of dead leaves stirred by the wind , it was silent . She sat up and held the baby tightly so he would be warm as well . Her ship was quite a long way away . She 'd had to stop for the night . Along with this child . . . This child . He was very strong in the Force . His parents had given their agreement for her to take him soon enough ; they wanted a better life for him than what they could offer . And he would get a better life . Once she got home , that was . Back to the Temple . The baby was falling asleep in her arms . She noticed a ring on his finger . Oh yes . . . the parents had given it to him before he left . She looked into the stone on it . It was emerald green . . . bright as the leaves . And , if you stared for long enough , there were streaks of blue and yellow , white and red . . . but she needed to sleep now . So she slept too . * * * * * The flames reached higher , burning away . . . * * * * * Master Ololian 's ship finally touched down on the platform almost two days later . The baby was fine . . . wide awake and squealing . . . which was more than could be said for her , she was tired . " My old Padawan , " Yoda greeted her . " And who is this little one ? " " I discovered him on Toci , Master Yoda . His name is Qui - Gon Jinn . His parents gave their permission for us to train him . " Yoda nodded . Eridar spotted another figure behind the assembled group of Jedi . " Ah , young Palpatine , " she said with a grin . " Not a Jedi , are you ? " " He 's interested in the Temple , " Mapru said . Despite being the youngest Council member in a while , he was still the sternest , strictest and least friendly . " We have decided to show him around . This is , however , the final time . " " That 's right , Master Ololian , " the young boy said quietly . He looked at the baby and smiled . The smile didn 't reach his eyes though . . . never would . " Initiate Dooku , " Yoda cfemale _ obi _ wan , Good start ! Nice to hear Qui - Gon 's own thoughts . So , his first master died ? Poor Qui ! I wonder how he 'll feel about his new master ! Jemmiah , Thanks for reviewing , you guys . A / N : Yes , I invented the surname Wildstar for Tahl . Well , it 's never mentioned in the books . Making It 's morning . The lights have been on for a few minutes now . I can hear people getting up . The Temple never sleeps . Yoda and that man are coming to speak to me today . What am I going to tell them ? What are they going to tell me ? I want to see my friends . Tahl , Clee , Binn , Mace , Somti . . . where is everyone ? They might be worried , news will have reached them by now . . . Tahl especially , and she always seems to get terrifically worried at the slightest thing . Hang on , I know why she isn 't up here making a fuss - it 's because she 's expecting to be chosen by a Master . Before me and my Master left for Avino , she smiled and said by the time she got back , she would be a Padawan too , and I couldn 't boss her around any more . Why am I in the Healer 's anyway ? I 'm fine . Well , technically . There 's a bruise on my arm and a few scratches , but apart from that , I don 't see why they 're keeping me here . Is there something I don 't know about ? Hang on , I recognize that yell . Tahl 's here . * * * * * She 's gone now . I was glad to talk to her . I was right , she was worried . And Yoda and well . . . let 's start at the beginning . First , Tahl practically ran into my room , leaned over me and grabbed my hand . " I 'm alive . " I said . " Thank the stars ! I was terrified . Don 't you ever , ever do that to me again , Qui - Gon ! " " I won 't . " I said . " What happened ? " she said . ( She always talks fast , but today she was talking faster than usual . ) " I 'm fine . " I said . " I don 't know why they 're keeping me here . And my Master . . . is dead . " She let go of my hand , and then suddenly grabbed it again . " Dead ? " " Yes . " I said . I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick . She noticed . " I 'm so sorry . " she said . She looked guilty , and I realised why - while I had lost a Master , she had gained one . " Tahl - were you chosen ? " " Yes . " she said , nodding and blushing . " Master Thea . " " I knew she 'd choose you ! I knew it 'd be her ! " " Yes , she 's been so nice . . . just think , soon I 'll have a braid - " she reached out a hand and flicked mine " and be going on missions . . . " She stopped abruptly right there . " Oh , I 'm so sorrfemale _ obi _ wan , Where should I start ? Yesterday I was let out of the Healer 's . I spent most of the day with Tahl , Clee and the others , telling them everything that had happened . Right at the end , Clee gasped and said : " That means . . . he . . . he died so you could live ! He . . . " We were sort of all silent then , because it was true , and I felt like being sick all of a sudden . . . being sick again . . . because it was true , if he hadn 't wanted to save me , he wouldn 't have died . Why did he try to save me ? He could 've waited ! I would have saved him ! He didn 't have to die ! HE DIDN ' T HAVE TO DIE ! Yoda would whack me hard if he saw what I just wrote . I know , I know anger is the path to the Darkside . But . . . he died . He died because of me . I want to put down this journal and cry , but . . . well . . . another part of me wants to just keep on writing . And I also don 't want to cry because I 'm writing this in the star - map room , and people keep coming in and out ( Master Cilia just walked past and smiled at me . She was one of my teachers when I was seven , and she knew Master Karshan . ) So I couldn 't cry , because someone would see . Anyway , after Clee made her comment on my story , everyone went incredibly quiet . . . I think it was because we 'd been told , all the time , about Knights dying to save others , Masters dying so their apprentice wouldn 't be put in danger . . . but this was the first time it had actually , well , happened to us . To me . But , anyway , I am now offically Master Dooku 's apprentice . He took me to the Council , and they gave their approval . Tahl said I should be happy , because practically the split second I didn 't have a Master another one grabbed me straightaway . It was said to cheer me up , but it didn 't really . Well , that 's it . I 'll be back to taking classes tomorrow , and before long , being sent out on missions with my new Master . Tahl 's probably looking for me . . . better go . . . * * * * * 11th day , 8th month , standard year 24933 I 'm living with my Master in his quarters now . They moved me here this morning . I have a new home . But what happened to the old one ? Master Karshan 's area ? Did they give it to someone else ? I really wish they 'd let me stay there , I liked it . . . but then I suppose Master Dooku would 've had to leave his own home to be with me , and I don 't think he 'd have liked that . In the afternoon , I have lightsabre class . I 'm glad it 's that and not anything else , because lightsabre class is the only one I 'm really any good at . * * * * * It 's evening . Actually , it 's night and I really should be sleeping , but something happened today - I went to lightsabre class , and Dilan and his friends were waiting for me . And as I walked past him , Dilan said loudly . " Better stay away from him . He might drag us down to the Darkside too . " And I tried to ignore them , but they kept looking over at me and smirking all day , and I didn 't want to tell anyone , because . . . I 'm not sure . . . because the Darkside 's taken so seriously and maybe . . . maybe . . . well , after Dilan said something loudly about future traitors to the Jedi , Yoda gave him a sharp look and then looked at me , and I just couldn 't read that look and . . . I 'd never turn to the Darkside , though . I 'm sure Yoda would tell me not to worry , that it was just stupid comments made by a bully . But I can 't stop thinking about it . You see . . . I have never told anyone this , not even Tahl . I 'm afraid of writing it down in case someone finds it . But when I was little , only about six or seven , there was a teacher here who was very skilled at foresight . She died ages ago . . . when I was eight , I think . Her name was Master Ololian , and once she spoke to me . I was in the Room Of A Thousand Fountains . I can 't remember what I was doing in there , but she came to speak to me . She sort of looked at me , except her eyes were closed . . . we had quite a long conversation , I can 't remember most of it , and she sai I can 't believe what they did . I asked Master Dooku when the funeral for Master Karshan would be held . It was a long time before I got my answer . He looked at me in that way adults do when they 're telling you they 've done something that you 'll hate but you 're too young to understand anyway , and said " It was held the day after his death , Qui - Gon . While you were in the Healers . " " But that means . . . I never got to say goodbye . " I said , and had to blink several times , because I didn 't want him to see me crying . He might think I can 't keep a tight enough hold on my emotions and throw me out , or something . But I didn 't get to say goodbye . Straight after that I ran to find Tahl . I asked if she knew anything about the funeral , and she said no , and then I found everyone else and asked them too , and they all said no . I don 't get it . It 's like they 're trying to make me forget Master Karshan as soon as possible . * * * * * I went to meditation class . . . I don 't like meditation class very much . Because Dilan is in it , and none of my friends are . So I 'm left to put up with him on my own . I can 't stand him . The second I walked in I saw him whispering to someone else , and they were all giggling . Dilan knows something I don 't . I can tell , he keeps looking at me and smirking . If Tahl had been there , she 'd have had a few choice words to say to him , but she wasn 't . So I had to try and meditiate while wondering - panicking about - what this incredibly amusing secret of mine was . Because I don 't know . I didn 't do very well in class . Afterwards , I found everyone in the Room Of A Thousand Fountains , and we started talking about Dilan . " If anyone should be thrown out , heshould ! " Clee said . She was swimming . She likes swimming a lot . She wasn 't actually paying a lot of attention to us , because her Mon Calamari friend Nela was there , and they were in the pool together . " I don 't like him . " That was Mace . Mace is the youngest . He 's three years younger than me . Binn and Somti are his best friends , they 're the ones who stand up for him all the time - althoufemale _ obi _ wan , 1st day , 9th month , standard year 24933 Guess what ! I 'm going to see my parents . I don 't know why . None of the others have seen their parents in ages . Normally , when you 're a Padawan , you don 't get to see them at all , not until Knighthood . When Dilan heard me talking about it , he snickered and said ' They just want you out . Don 't think they 're letting you go because they feel generous . " I tried to ignore him . I 'm seeing my parents . I remember hardly anything about them . I don 't even remember at which age I was taken to the Temple - three , I think . Maybe four . I know the planet I was born on is called Toci , and that my parents have always lived there . We 're allowed to know a little about our families , after all . I remember Toci was - is - very beautiful . I remember my mother was very beautiful too , and my father , the last time I visited my parents ( years and years ago . I was only seven or something ) hugged me when it was time to leave again . I had a brother . I don 't even rememeber his name . Strange , isn 't it , to have almost exactly the same blood as another being and yet not know their name ? But I will soon . I just asked Master Dooku when we were leaving , and he frowned . " This is not a good idea . " he said . " I don 't agree with it . To answer your question , you should be packing your things now . We 're leaving tomorrow . " I 'm not taking much . Only this journal , and changes of clothes , and things I 've been given from my parents . There 's a little music box from my mother . It plays a Toci tune - it 's beautiful . I used to listen to it at nights , then I decided I was getting too old for that . I still like it , though . And then there 's a toy . Exactly what it 's supposed to be I 'm not sure . I think it 's a mini - podracer . I think my dad made it . I don 't know for certain , but I get the feeling he wasn 't much good at making toys . I 'd rather have that toy , though , then a expensive , modern , state - of - the - art real - life podracer . I would . Then there 's the last thing . It 's a ring . Yoda told me that when I was taken , my parents gave me the ring . MWe 're here ! This is amazing . It 's like tons of memories came flooding back into my head . There 's books , and paintings - there 's one of a boy in a field and I just know that used to be in my room . I 'm in my room now . My mother told me this was it . It 's right at the top of the house , which is far bigger than I imagined . You can see the view from it - it 's lovely . There 's so much green - and a river . The river of light , it 's called . My parents . . . when they greeted me , they looked so happy and yet so sad . I know why , it 's because they don 't want me to go back . They 're talking with Master now , but I can 't hear most of what they 're staying . Just stuff about the Jedi , I think . My brother 's here as well . He 's three years older than me - sixteen . I know his name now . His name is Rek - Gon , and he 's even taller than me . His hair 's nearly the same colour , but his eyes are lighter , and they 're friendly . He greeted me with a ' Hey , squirt , ' and I liked him a lot in that one moment . I hugged him , and he laughed . He 's downstairs now , but he said he 'd be coming to talk to me soon . He wants to hear about all the adventures I 've had . I like him . I like them all . * * * * * I told him everything notable I could think of . I told him about Masters and Padawans , I explained braids and lightsabres - I even showed him mine - and I told him about my friends ' Lucky squirt , getting to hang around with two pretty girls all day . . Well , I said that I didn 't want to leave , and I really still don 't want to . I heard Mum crying just now , and talking to Dad . I suppose they thought everyone else was asleep , but I wasn 't and I heard them . " Your hear all these stories . " she was crying , " about parents who give up their children to the Jedi , and the next they hear of them is a short message saying they 're dead . And I know I 'm - going to have to let him go back , Ag - Len , and I . . I don 't want to . Not again . " I feel awful . I never want to cause pain to anyone . It 's really hot . The temperature is nice during the day , but not during the night . What shall I do ? Because it 's like a dream here . Everything is so perfect . And I know that it can 't really be so wonderful , but . . . it is my home planet , after all . It 's like . . . I belong here . But I belong with the Jedi as well . And my family loves me , but so do my friends . And I love them both . I 'm not going to get any sleep here . If I did stay , I would leave behind my friends , and betray the Jedi . Well , sort of . You are actually allowed to leave if you desire that . But it 's considered a betrayal by your peers , if not by the Council . I 'll never be able to sleep . I 'll leave a note saying where I 've gone and go out for a walk . * * * * * * 3rd day , 9th month , standard year 24933 Afternoon . Tomorrow morning we 're leaving . I 'll tell you about what happened on my walk , shall I ? It was dark and nearing midnight so I took a glow rod and went out . I went down to the river and sat there for ages . Or course I should go back , I am going to go back - but did I really want to ? And what if I didn 't go back ? While I was thinking that , I reached into the water and my hand hit something . It was a rock . I 'd never seen a rock like it before . It was beautiful . And as I turned it over and over in my hands , I realised someone was behind me . I turned around and saw a man standing there . He was old , with whitening hair . His hood was up , so I couldn 't see much of his face , really only his eyes , which were very blue . " What 's wrong ? " he asked gently . He was someone I could talk to , I knew that right away . " I have to make a hard decision . " I said , " and I 'm not sure what to do . " He looked at the rock I held in my hand . " I once had a rock like that . My father gave it to me , and I gave it to my . . . my own son . Those rocks are special things . It will help you with the choice you have to make . " He put his hand on my shoulder , and I said " Thank you . " " Thank you , too . " he said , and walked away . I think he vanished , because when I turned around he wasn 't there . I felt scared and sad at the same time , and then I went back to the house . Which is where I am now . Rek took me to his room a few minutes ago and searched in a cupboard for something . He eventually pulled out a ring , one exactly like mine , except the stone was brown , not green . " I have one too . " he explained . " Thought you might want to see it , before you leave tomorrow . " I grinned . " Thanks . " I said . " Hold on a minute . " he said , and pulled something else out of a drawer . It was a stack of writing paper , all brown , with a green pen . " For you . So you can write to us . Are Jedi allowed to write ? " " Not very often . " " I 'll look forward to your letters , anyway . " I carefully packed the present away in my bag . In a few minutes tea will be ready . The last meal I 'll have with my ffemale _ obi _ wan , Master just walked into my room and told me we were both going to Ilum , where I could construct a lightsabre . I sort of stood there and blinked . " You mean I 'm allowed to make one now ? " I said finally . I have a few friends who are older then me - though I don 't see them much now - and they say you can 't make a lightsabre until you 're ' ready ' . Was I ' ready ' ? Because I didn 't feel it . My classes weren 't that good , and I never do anything special . . . although , I did work on a lightsabre hilt , with the help of Yoda . But I didn 't think I 'd be getting crystals for the hilt to complete the ' sabre , not yet , I wasn 't ready . . . " Yes , " he said . " You are . I 've informed the Council that as my apprentice , you should have your own lightsabre to use properly , not one on loan from the Temple . " I didn 't know what to say , so I made do with " Thank you . " " That 's quite all right . " And he gave me a smile - a warm smile - and exited the room . You know , since I don 't write in this journal much , I haven 't actually said what I think of him . My Master . He 's . . . hard to figure out . I suppose if you didn 't know him , you 'd think he was cold and a little harsh . And he 's always hard on me when I 'm learning my lessons , but when I 've done something right , he gives me a proud look and sometimes a smile . He likes me . A few days ago , after I 'd finally got the hang of a really hard kata , he took me aside , smiled and said . " Very , very good . You will be a fine Jedi . " He 's like that with the other students too . . . Yoda asks him to take lightsabre classes sometimes and if a student 's just mastered something difficult , he will congratulate them . And , if someone 's having difficulty , he 'll go over it with them , as many times as needed . I like that about him . He seems to have a soft spot for Tahl , too , I think . Tahl 's firey , and not afraid to speak her mind , and I think he likes that , although Yoda says she should control her anger . But I agree with my Master . Tahl is wonderful just the way she is . It 's been a month , though , a month we 've been Master and Padawan , and Yodafemale _ obi _ wan , We 're on a ship right now . Only a few minutes before we land , I think . Another mission . Sort of my first offical one with Master Dooku . Tahl and Master Thea are with us - I 'm not sure why . None of us asked Yoda , or I didn 't anyway . This mission doesn 't sound particularly dangerous , so I don 't know why all four of us are being sent - but never mind . I 'm glad to have Tahl with me . The planet 's called Losta . I had to study it . I read that it 's government are corrupt , and eliminate anyone who is opposing them . There 's a group of people who want them removed , but they want things to be resolved with as little bloodshed as possible , so they sent for Jedi to negotiate . I hope we can help them . The data I studied had pictures too - awful pictures . I don 't even like the word torture . It frightens me . I know that 's stupid . * * * * * We landed and introduced ourselves . The government leader , along with a man called Alarta of Tynvant , came to greet us . I read a lot of things about the government leader - Kossa , I think his name is - and I was repelled and scared at the same time . His eyes were very blue - he looked nice , not how you 'd expect a - well , a murderer - to look . I don 't like him at all . I tried not to let it show . But I could tell he didn 't like me . Or Tahl . He looked at us like we were silly little children , and didn 't even bother speaking to us . Tahl made a face behind his back . Master Thea noticed and frowned , but she seems wary , too . We 're staying in the Governor 's house . It 's nice . Sort of too nice . I don 't much like it here . It feels like there 's something hidden beneath the surface . . . Maybe I 'm just paranoid . * * * * * 4th day , 10th month , standard year 24933 I couldn 't sleep last night . I tried everything . I just couldn 't meditate , or get myself to relax , or anything . The negotiations are set to start tomorrow . Master Dooku and Master Thea took me and Tahl aside and said we had their permission to leave them for the day , and do what we wanted . They also told us to look out for anything strange or suspious . Tahl asked what exactly we should be looking out for , and Thea said " Just be sure to report back anything , big or small . " I think they might be keeping something from us . I 'd like to know why . Tahl seems to be enjoying herself . She 's gone to get us some food . She 's coming back now . * * * * * Something 's happened ! Me and Tahl ate our food and went for a walk . Well , she ate and I worried . " What , exactly , do our Masters want us to do ? You 'd think they 'd be a bit more specific . . . I think there 's something they don 't want us to know about . . . " " You are a worrywart , " she said , and waved her finger at me . " Don 't you want something to eat ? " " I 'm not hungry . I feel anxious . " " Suits me just fine , " she said , and started eating the things she was saving for me . I didn 't mind . We kept going and then found a lake . It was a lovely place . It was the bluest lake I 'd ever seen and there were statues all around it , with people crowding round and admiring them . Me and Tahl found a bench to sit on , and then someone came running through the trees in the forestry area behind us . He yelled , in this incredibly loud voice that could have shattered glass : " Demonstration ! In the High Street . They 're shooting at people ! " Then I felt a change come over the people . . . happiness and calmness replaced by anger and excitement . I saw some of them reach for weapons in their pockets . One man drew a dagger . Others had blasters . And a young girl , standing near us - she had a sword . A real sword . Tahl sort of gawped , because you never see weapons like that anymore - they 've all been replaced with easier things like blasters . And lightsabres . But this huge crowd of people turned and followed the man who had spoken , female _ obi _ wan , * * * * * We 've been here hours now . Mostly just sitting in the hall , watching people do things . Almost everyone seems to just sit around - some people tell stories to the youngest kids ( There 's kids as young as four here . I don 't even want to think about it . ) and some people draw on the walls and things , but no - one laughs . Well , Alixen does . She 's the only person I 've heard laugh . She came through the door a few minutes ago , and said dinner was served . And then she held up some dead animal , and everyone yelled . " Get that thing away ! " " I 'm NOT eating that ! " " I 'm not even going near it ! " " Alixen , don 't be stupid . " ( That might have been Alex , come to think of it . ) She laughed , and said it was a joke and couldn 't anyone take jokes , and walked out . She looked a bit downcast . " We should do something for her , " I told Tahl . " Why , exactly ? " " Because she 's . . . well , look at her . Look at them . " " I did , " she said softly . " Perhaps you 're right . But we have to go soon , anyway . " * * * * * We did go . We told Alixen and Alex that perhaps we 'd see them tomorrow , and found our way back to the Governor 's house , and our Masters . We told them what we 'd found - the school of kids , and what happened to their parents . While my Master frowned deeply , Master Thea looked horrified . But they shooed us back to our rooms anyway . I 've decided I can 't stand people thinking I 'm too young to understand . Tahl was really quiet on the way back from the school . I didn 't try to ask her why , because if she 's being quiet and you try to make her talk , you might get screamed at . * * * * * 5th day , 10th month , standard year 24933 We went back there today . Our Masters didn 't . I imagine they were working on some part of the mission that we 're not supposed to know about . You 'd think they 'd tell us - maybe they will later . . . They said we had to be back in time for the negotiations . They start in about a quarter of an hour , so I 'd better hurry with this . We practically ran to the school . Well , I ran ; Tahl didn 't . She didn 't seem very enthusiastic about the whole thing , really . " Don 't you want to help them ? " I asked her . " Don 't you even want to see them ? " She scowled . " Of course I do . But I can 't help thinking something 's wrong . " When we got there , I wondered if something was wrong too . Because everything seemed the same as it had been yesterday - except for Alixen . She looked the same - same clothes and same hair - and smiled when we came in , but she just felt different somehow . She was with the woman we 'd seen our first visit - the only adult there . Alixen 's mother . When we got to them , she 'd fallen asleep , and Alixen walked to the other side of the room with us following . " She 's ill , " Alixen said matter - of - factly . " Really ill . " " She 's dying , " one of the teenagers said . He was older then Alixen and Alex , probably one of the oldest . He was eating something I couldn 't identify ( and really didn 't want to . ) Alixen looked a little bit torn between hitting him or agreeing with him , but she did neither . She sort of shrugged . Alex chose that moment to come in . " There you are , " he said , moving towards Alixen . She gave him a look , and he stepped back . " Hello , you two , " he said to us . We smiled and nodded , but I was wondering what was going on . " We . . . we want to help you in some way , " I tried . " You shouldn 't have to live like this . " Tahl nodded . " I would hate it . " " What were you thinking of doing ? " Alex asked . " Well . . . we told our Masters . " " And I suppose that helped . " " No , it didn 't . But . . . the negotiations are starting today . " " The people in Tynvant care only about themselves , " Alixen said , bitterly . " So they 'll save their behinds , and things for us will go on as normal . " " But they . . . " " It 's pointless . " " But you can 't sta Alrighty , I do like Alixen , Alex , and all ( except Dooku ) . In fact , I love Alixen , and Alex . Good development . I 'd like to know more about Tahl , though . Interesting story . Keep it going . Since when do Master 's leave their padawans for long periods of time like that ? One more thing to note , this story is progressing quite nicely , ( I also like that you have to pay attention to the dates . ) and I don 't really care how long it goes on . It 's good as a short story , or as a novel . The bigger , the better , though , right ? Well , anyway , I must say that Qui - Gon is going to have to have something detrimental happen in his life to change him from shy , worried , scared , little boy into a man . More so than losing his first master . I don 't know when this is going to come , or what in the glaxey it will be . That is completely up to you , the author . It may not happen for many , many years , and that would be fine . Just something needs to happen . You 've probably already figured that out , though . Keep it up ! JacenHornSolo , JacenHornSolo : << Since when do Master 's leave their padawans for long periods of time like that ? >> Dooku does . He much prefers to work on his own with no - one around to disagree with him . << It 's good as a short story , or as a novel . The bigger , the better , though , right ? >> Well , I 've worked out all the dates , and decided that this story is going to go up to Qui 's knighthood - he 'll be 35 when this thing ends . [ face _ shocked ] And I 'm actually planning this to be a trilogy - after this there 'll be Qui 's POV of JA , and then of TPM . Boy , it 's a good thing I had no life anyway . << Well , anyway , I must say that Qui - Gon is going to have to have something detrimental happen in his life to change him from shy , worried , scared , little boy into a man . More so than losing his first master . I don 't know when this is going to come , or what in the glaxey it will be . >> Oh , he 'll change . . . slowly , though . Poor guy 's got quite a lot of tragedy ahead . Another reason I wanted to do this journal was to explain how QG became the man we saw in TPM , why he does all the things he does in that and JA . In other words , if you want to know some other reasons behind the argument over Ani , and why he wanted Obi to be a Knight so soon , read on everyone . It 'll probably be really subtle , but it 'll still be there . . . Arwen - Jade - Kenobi : Thanks for reading ! The next part will be up tomorrow . Maybe today . female _ obi _ wan , We 're leaving . We 're on the ship home . Tahl 's gone somewhere else . She knows when I like to be left alone . Just when I was writing the last entry , Master came in . He said we were leaving . " But . . . " " The parties have reached an agreement . " he said in his elegant voice . " There 's nothing left to do here . " I so nearly said " What about Alixen ? " but the Force screamed at me " No ! " . At least , I think it was the Force . " Pack your things . " Master said , and bizzarely , I wanted him to put his hand on my shoulder , and tell me Alixen was fine and nothing would happen to her for what she did . But of course he didn 't . So as soon as he left , I ran out and downstairs and through countless corridors ( They call this a house . It 's more like a castle ) and then I stopped next to a portrait , one of General Kossa in a heroic pose . The Force told me to take it down . I carefully unhooked it from the wall and put it on the floor . There was a door behind it . Go down there the Force said . I opened the door . Another corridor lay beyond it . The door at the end had a light under it , and that was the one I ran towards . I heard Alixen 's voice . I saw the blood on the door and the walls . And although it was stupid ( these past few days have really been days for doing stupid things ) I opened the door . It opened easily . It was a huge , huge room . Alixen , Kossa and some guards were right down at the other end . They didn 't see me . Kossa held a stick in his hand . " Was anyone with you at all ? " " I said NO ! " Alixen yelled . " No - one ? No family member ? No strangers picked up from the streets ? " Alixen cursed at him . " No . " There was a crack and Alixen moaned . " Alixen Risus . " Kossa said . " Is that really your name ? " " Yes . " She was broken . " And this was entirely your own doing ? " He gestured to something - a charred mess in the corner . It was a bomb . " Yes , I did it myself . It should have killed you . One day , something will , and I 'll spit in your face when I see you in hell . " The guards mades ' Ooooo ' - ing sounds and one of them kicked her . " Firey little wench , this one . " female _ obi _ wan , Post tomorrow . Does anyone else want PMing when I update ? I 'm already PMing JacenHornSolo ( even though he didn 't say he wanted that . ) and Jess , do you still want to be PMed . . . ? This post is probably the shortest so far , but bear in mind that few people , including fictional Jedi - in - training , frequently feel like writing essay - length journal entries every day . Making 11 . Musings I didn 't even know Alixen very well . I wish I had . Why did the Force want me to witness her death ? Why ? * * * * * 10th day , 10th month , standard year 24933 Master took me aside today , and apologized to me for leaving me out of things on Losta . " You see , I am used to working alone , " he told me . " But you were Yoda 's Padawan . He wouldn 't let you do everything on your own . " " Oh , he wouldn 't ? " He explained everything that went on at Losta - they suspected Kossa had secret rooms in his house where people were murdered , and all sorts of very illegal stuff . I asked him why Master Thea was angry with him . He didn 't answer that one . It 's no wonder we have no Master / Padawan bond . * * * * * * 18th day , 10th month , standard year 24933 Well , if I don 't review this story in a while , then feel free to PM me and slap me over the head with a saltwater bass ( - feeling silly right now . ) But I think I can go without the PM notification , just because lately I 've been trying to be more responsible , and . . . ok , not gonna tell you my whole life story here . ANYWAYS , this is coming out really cool so far ! I like this take on a young Qui 's life . I would be even more happier if a certain handsome padawan came along soon , but . . . Just to say , I particularly enjoyed your post with the river stone . Padawan _ Jess _ Kenobi , |
Reviews are good and some , well , are just bad . But that doesn 't mean that your writing is completely terrible . It just means that the message or story that you were trying to tell doesn 't fit well with that person . Think of it this way . Theres movies out there that you just don 't want to watch . It is not due to the fact that they are bad movies . It is because they do not appeal to your personal taste . So don 't read that one star review and let it crush your hopes and dreams . Your story might not have been suited for them . What is important is that you continue to follow the dreams and goals that are your own . - because I 'm just too flipping giddy to think straight . Seriously , I tried writing a little bit tonight and everything came out as giggles and happy dances . And fart jokes . Because there 's always room for a fart joke . I accepted an offer of representation from the amazing Uwe Stender . I can 't tell you how excited I am about this . Because telling can be a no - no . So instead , I 'll show you . Posted in : Chaos . Tagged : Amazon , April Margeson , authors , Bestseller , Bloggers , Book series , Books , Chaos , fantasy , Goodreads , Kindle , Magic , paranormal , Vampires , Waking Up Dead Series , Witches , Young Adult Fiction . Leave a comment The warm morning sun was shining on my skin , erasing the coolness of the dew that had fallen on me . The ground beneath me was hard and several jagged rocks were digging into my back . I knew that I should have been feeling some amount of pain from it , but I was only feeling a slight amount of pressure . I couldn 't feel much of anything except the heat from the morning sun and the sore itching feeling in my throat . My head was foggy , almost like I had been drugged . I wasn 't sure why the itching feeling was turning into an awful burning sensation . It felt like I had been walking in the desert for days , without a single drop of anything to drink . All of my thoughts were bouncing around in my head . They were all distorted pictures and things about what had happened . All of it , moving too fast for me to understand at the moment . The only part that was clear was that I had been attacked by the most gorgeous boy that I have ever seen in my entire life . I was not sure why the man had attacked me in the first place . More than that , the fact that he had left me here alive was puzzling . I wonder what had made him not kill me . I had seen his face clearly and I am certain that I would be able to recognize him if I was ever given the chance to see him again . Something about that thought was disturbing to me . It was almost as if I wanted to see him again . It was probably some sick fantasy that I was having . One about killing him for what he had done to me . How could I not ? Worse than that , my attacker had been so mesmerizing to me . He had my attention from the very second that I caught sight of him . His face had been only inches from me and his pale blue eyes burned into mine . I had had a strong feeling that there was something off about him . There was something wrong with him , unnatural , and extremely dangerous . However , his beauty had enticed me and I was proud that he had chosen me instead of some other girl . I wanted to be the one that he wanted to talk to . Now I hated that decision more than any other one that I had made . I had been so stupid . I knew better than to be alone with someone that I did not know . There was just something about him . It was something that had made me more at ease in his presence . He should have killed me for being such an ignorant person . He was my age , around eighteen , but something had told me that he was older . I was not sure what made me think that , but that had been the first alarm to go off in my head , one that I had ignored . Now , I wish that I hadn 't . I could easily picture him in my head . The blackness of his hair glistened in the moonlight and his skin reminded me of a white silk dress that my mother had . It was so pale and seemed lifeless . I cannot believe that I had gone against everything that my parents had taught me and I was suffering the consequences for that now . They had warned me and I did not listen and look where that got me . Left , alone , to die in some field that I was not sure exactly where it was . I wanted to call out for help , but it was no use . It was not like there was going to be anyone close enough to me to hear when I did . I might as well save my breath , I thought . The part that was bothering me the most was the fact that he had bitten me . I remembered feeling a sting and then smelling the blood seconds later . The rusty smell had been overpowering to me and I can remember almost fainting because of it . I thought that I was going to make it out of our struggle without any major damage to my body . That is , until then . I just know that I was going to end up with some dreadful disease as a result of his mouth being in contact with my blood . Whatever it was had started to flow straight into my bloodstream . I shivered at the thought of it . I was wishing to myself that I had been near a hospital , but I knew better . There was no way that he would have left me anywhere near any significant population . It would not have been a smart thing for him to do . And it wasn 't like I could get up off the ground anyway . My entire body hurt and the fire in my throat intensified with every passing second . It felt as if some invisible rope was forcing me to stay on the ground . I was feeling hopeless about my current situation and even worse about the fact that there was no help around for me . After a short while of struggling under the pressure , I managed to move my hand to one of the pockets in my jeans . There it was … my lifeline . I fumbled around for a second or two until I could actually get my hand in my pocket . My cell phone was still in there . The frantic feeling that came over me caused me to drop it as soon as I pulled it from my jeans . I fumbled around with my hand , trying to locate the phone . Finally , I found it . At least my attacker had been gracious enough to leave me on my back , but whatever it was that was holding me was more powerful than I had thought . I did not like the idea of not being able to see what was keeping me on the ground , but right now , that is the most important thing . The most vital thing right now was that I had to find help . I flipped my cell phone open and tried to dial 9 - 1 - 1 , but for some reason my phone would not dial out . It had never done this before . I knew that it was not a billing issue . My mother always paid all of the bills on time . Maybe it was just that I was not getting a clear enough signal to use the damn thing . I dropped my hand back down to my stomach . I was feeling defeated until the phone rang . I quickly raised the phone to my ear , not paying any attention to who the caller was . I did not care . All I knew was that my phone had caught just enough signal to let a call through and I was not about to waste the opportunity to get help . I knew at that very moment that it was the man that had brought me here . His voice was not something that I was going to be able to forget any time soon . It was etched in my mind perfectly . Fear filled me and I tried to close the phone , but my body was not responding to what I wanted it to do . My hand stayed with the phone against my ear . How did he think I was feeling ? I mean , hell , he had bitten me and left me here to die . Now he was just going to torture me some more until I actually did die . If this was what he was planning to do , I would just as soon to go ahead and die . I did not dare answer him . I didn 't feel that I had to . I didn 't owe him anything and he was not one of my parents . The rage in my voice was undeniable and I knew that he was not going to be very forgiving of that . When he finally said something back to me , I was taken aback by his response . " Have it your way . " He laughed at me and hung up the phone . That was easy , I thought to myself . I wondered what it was that he had found so funny . He had to be an extremely sick and twisted individual to do something like this to another person . And for him to be able to laugh about it was terrifying . I tried once more to move and I found that the thing that had been holding me down was gone . I was free . Now , all I had to do was find out where I am and how to get out of here . I looked around me and all I saw was an empty field and woods that were surrounding it in every direction . My stomach turned hard this time and I couldn 't seem to be able to make myself swallow . Had I really been out here for three days ? I remembered the rocks that I had been laying on and I moved the dead leaves around until I found them again . They were gravel . That meant that I was near a road . Or , at least , I hope that I was . That would sure make everything a little easier for me , but something inside me was saying that nothing was ever going to be easy for me again . As I looked at the trees again , I noticed that the leaves had turned the colors of autumn , more so than they had been three days ago . The reds , yellows , and browns mixed , creating a picture like scene around me . The grass was blended with the blades that had died and with some that were still very much alive . My stomach turned again . This time it was such a brutal response to my hunger that I found myself running in the animal 's direction . My legs moved with more speed than I had ever known them to have and I realized that my mouth was watering just to look at the innocent creatures ahead of me . I was almost on top of them before they knew that I had been anywhere around . My instincts took over and I charged the larger of the two of them . I wrestled it to the ground and something inside of me was screaming to stop , but it was too late . I had taken a bite out of the side of the deer 's neck and began to drink the blood that was spilling out of the wound . The blazing pain in my throat had begun to disappear , but the sickening feeling I had about what I was doing was worse than anything that I thought was possible . Nothing mattered more to me at this moment than the warm delicious liquid that was soothing my entire body and I was horrified because of it . The deer had bleed dry way before I wanted it to . I looked around trying to find the other one , but it had already fled . I suppose the one that I had already drained would have to be enough for now . I felt sick . It was not a nauseated feeling . It was more like being severely depressed . I hated what I had just done . I hated it with a passion . Some deep part of me was telling me that I was evil . I sat on the ground , staring at the precious animal that I had killed . I guess killing it was better than killing a person , but I had still taken a life and I was not pleased with my actions . Although , my throat actually felt good now , nothing could ease the fear I was having over what I had become . My phone rang and I knew in an instant that the person that was calling me was not someone that I want to talk to . Looking at the front screen of the phone , I saw the unknown number that had called me only a short time ago . Hate filled me and it quickly turned to rage . I hated the man that was trying to get me to talk to him . He had made me what I am . He had taken my life from me and I will never again be normal . The usual everyday tasks that I had done before today would never be the same . I was not going to be able to function the same way that I had . I knew deep down that I was always going to want blood and lots of it . I ignored the call until my phone stopped ringing . Little did I know that he was going to keep calling , but after about four times of him calling and me not answering prompted him to start sending text messages . They were the usual messages that someone would send if the other person were trying to ignore them . I don 't know why he thought that I needed to talk to him . Did he not remember what he had done to me ? I mean , really , what was I supposed to do , just have a conversation with him as if nothing had happened ? I don 't think so . I was proud of my sudden courage and I decided that I was well enough to try to find my way out of here . I hope that there was a road around here somewhere , or a house , at least . Maybe the people that lived there would let me use their phone . That is , if it was even possible to have phone service this far out . My way of thinking had given me a renewed spark of hope . Hope that I was really going to make it out of the situation that I was in . I walked with a steady pace , trying not to stop unless I had to . I wanted to find someone that would help me . I wanted to go home more than anything else . I thought about my mother and how she was probably sick with worry about my unexplained absence . I wasn 't sure how I was going to explain what happened to me , or where I had been . There was no explanation that I could give her that wouldn 't make her think that I am a lunatic . None of that really mattered now . All that matters was getting there and seeing her face . My thoughts wandered as I walked . For some reason , the man 's face never left my mind . I studied him and tried to go back over everything that had happened . Everything seemed to be moving so fast that I could only catch onto a few bits of the memories at a time . That wasn 't helping me at all . I needed to be able to know exactly what happened . I needed to know the reason that I was going to hunt him down and kill him and it had to be the right one . I knew what the reason was already , but I denied the thought . I knew what he had done to me . It was the most horrifying moment of my life . He had changed me , but I was still not sure what I was . I guess some things are better left in the dark . I walked for a long time until I came to an old gravel road . It had been freshly repaired with new gravel , but it was the big kind , not the usual type that would be in someone 's driveway . Walking over it had caused me to slip and not be as sure of my footing as I was in the field . That wasn 't a big deal . I was just glad to see something different . The blood was making its way through my system and I could feel it making a difference in how I was moving . My legs weren 't as numb as they had been a few moments ago and the tingling has left my arms . I felt stronger , more sensitive to everything that is around me . Every one of my senses had grown in intensity and I knew that I could use them to my advantage . I could use them to find my way home again . My eyes could see longer distances now and I could distinguish between everything that I could smell and hear as well . I could smell each animal that was in the area near me and some that weren 't so close . The scent of their blood made me thirsty again . I began to notice that I could hear even the slightest movement that they were making , right down to each beat of their hearts . Even though , I had just completely drained a full grown buck . I was still thirsty for more . I needed the energy and the strength that the warm liquid gave me . The need to attack was terrifying , but at the same time I wanted to do it . It was beginning to feel like my natural instincts . Along with my new vigor , I could feel other things now . Things that I wasn 't sure what they were , or what they meant . I had a pulling sensation in my mind . It was as if I was being led by some invisible force . My sense of direction was never very good , but I felt now that I knew where I was going even though I didn 't have a clue . I decided that the best way for me to get through this was going to be by staying calm and being attentive to everything that happens . I need the details . I was sure that the man wouldn 't be so quick to try to attack me again in a public place , but thinking about that wasn 't exactly true . I had been in public when he took me the first time and what is going to stop him from doing that again ? I tried not to let the worry that I was feeling cloud my mind , but it was no use . What could he possibly do to me now that would be worse than what he had already done ? If he killed me , that would be a blessing . I pictured my mother in the kitchen baking her famous cookies . The apple apron that she always wears was tied securely around her and it was covered with flour and food coloring . She was the kind of person that always managed to keep a smile on her face . I suppose that she was more concerned with what everyone would think about her and if she looked happy , she could evade the on - going condolences that everyone offered . They were because of my father 's recent death . He was driving down the highway when he fell asleep . He had not known that he was veering off into oncoming traffic . A semi that had been headed in the other direction collided with him . It had been the worst accident that our town had ever seen . Both the driver of the semi and my father were killed instantly . That was the most horrifying day of my life . I hated that he died , but I was thankful that he didn 't have to suffer . That would have been the worst . The thought of either of them having to lay there in such distress was sickening , to say the least . Everyone kept telling us that he was in a better place and today I was much more certain of that than I had ever been . Heaven has to be better than this . A place where not a single bit of evil existed was where I wanted to be right now . I would hate to cause my mother any more hurt than she was already going through , but it seemed that I wasn 't going to be able to live the right kind of life . I knew the urges inside me would only grow worse until I finally done something that I was not going to be able to take back . It was only going to be a matter of time before that will happen . My phone rang again and I looked at the message that had come through . I already knew that it was him . Why did he have to keep trying to get me to talk to him ? Had he not done enough to me already ? I guess not enough to satisfy him . " Feeling better ? " the message read . How could he possibly know how I was feeling ? Maybe it was just a really good guess , unless he was somewhere close to me . He had to be watching me from somewhere that I could not see him . I immediately began searching the area around me . I had not noticed that I had walked so far . The field was far behind me and I could not see the fall leaves of the trees that surrounded it . I was walking on nothing but dirt . It reminded me of a place that was being used to harvest trees for sawmills . Of course , the trees were no longer there . Everything looked so empty , except for the new saplings that had been planted in the place of the trees that had been taken . There was no possible way that he could be hiding . There just wasn 't anything left to hide behind . What am I supposed to say to that ? I wasn 't sure why he even thought that I would want to talk to him . He has to be extremely disturbed . To still be trying to torment me seemed a little much , even for your everyday common garden variety of serial killer . He wasn 't going to stop until I do answer him , so I took a deep breath and typed my reply . Why should I ? You tried to kill me ! The fact that I needed help understanding what I had turned into and he was the only one that could assist me with that . He left me feeling that I had no other choice but to accept his offer . I fumbled with the phone , fighting the overpowering urge to vomit , and typed the only word that I could think of . Where ? The burning feeling returned in my throat and I wanted more blood . That much I was sure of . I couldn 't deny it and I knew that it would only become more painful the longer that I tried to ignore it . The pain was something that I wanted to avoid , so I placed my phone on the rock beside me and concentrated on finding a heartbeat . Finding another source to drink from had been harder than I thought . The time that it took was more time than I had expected and the burning had now turned into an itchy dry feeling . I knew that it would only be a matter of minutes before the pain set in . That was when I heard it . The beat was off in a strange way . It seemed that the animal was sleeping , but I could tell that it was strong and very well fed . In fact , the animal had recently eaten . The smell of the blood was faint , but I was soon off the rock and on my way in the direction that I needed to go . I walked with swift movements and it felt as if I was flying at one point . I needed to feed and I needed to fast . My limbs felt like they weren 't as powerful as they had been after my first feeding and I wanted to be strong again . I needed to be if I was going to meet with him . I reached the sight in which the scent was more distinguishable . It was in the mountains , not far away , but not close enough for comfort . I inhaled once more and caught the delicious scent again . My body moved in a way that was astounding and it was like I was being forced by my thirst to move . Soon , I was right on top of the animal . The shock of what it was problematic . Looking at the huge cat was making me tremble with anxiety and pleasure at the same time . Mountain lions sure smelled appetizing . Before the animal was alerted of my being there , I tackled it . The cat put up an enormous fight , but I soon found that I liked the struggle just as much as the taste of the blood . There was no doubt in my mind that I was a predator , an excellent one at that . I drank from the cat , feeling every beat of its heart along the way . That excited me . The feeling of the kill was intense , but the sorrow for the creature wasn 't far behind . I couldn 't hide from that . This was the part that was the worst , but I pushed every feeling that I was having about it to the back of my mind . This was how I was going to have to be in order to survive and I did not need to be regretful about the kill . Not if I want to live , or , I guess I should say , exist . After I was finished draining my prey , I began walking back in the direction of the rock that I had been sitting on . I was not thrilled with the idea of checking to see if he had replied back to my question . Maybe I didn 't need him like I thought I did . I was beginning to think that it was possible for me to be able to live out in the woods . I would be able to avoid killing a person then , but what about my mother ? Thinking of her made me shake off the idea of staying away . She needs me . I am all that she has left now with my father gone . Would she be able to accept what I am ? Or would she make me leave and pretend that I had ran away ? I just won 't tell her about what happened and then everything would be fine . Lying to myself seemed like a good thing to do at the moment . I was back at the rock in no time at all , but I sensed that I wasn 't alone . There was something else there and I was certain that it wasn 't an animal because I couldn 't hear the beating of a heart or smell blood anywhere . The presence seemed empty and cold . Moving closer to the rock , I saw a man standing beside it . He had his back to me and looked like he was holding my phone . Standing as still as I could , I watched him . My eyes focused in on the back of his head and I recognized the black hair instantly . It was him . He had come to meet me here . But how did he know where I was ? He must have been following me the entire time . " I know you are there . " he said as he turned to face me . I was frozen with fear . I couldn 't move at all . And believe me , I wanted to . I wanted to run away from him as fast as I could , but it was impossible . He walked up to me like nothing had ever happened and I was unable to flee . I wanted to , but something held me there . I was more frightened in this very moment than I had ever remembered being . What could I do ? Nothing . " I see that you have fed again . " He was good at knowing when I had taken blood . I guess he could sense the power it gave me . Maybe he really had been watching me all this time . I wasn 't sure about either of my ideas on the matter . I didn 't say anything back to him . I couldn 't . I was both fearful and intrigued by him . He had the knowledge that I needed to survive and I knew that he could kill me at any time that he wanted to . I wasn 't quite ready to die . Not like I had thought that I was earlier . I want to see my mother one last time before I died . He took my hand and led me back to the rock . " Please , sit " he said as he took his place on one side . I cautiously sat down beside him , expecting anything to happen at any moment . I took a quick moment to really look at him . Now that he looked calm and wasn 't on top of me trying to kill me , he looked , well , good . His eyes sparkled in the sunlight and I soon found that I couldn 't break eye contact with him . I had thought that before now , but I wasn 't sure . If I actually was a vampire , how can I be out in the sunlight ? I realized that I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him . There was so much for me to learn . He explained that we are a different breed of vampire . We can walk in the sun , eat and drink regular food , but we did still need to have a regular diet of blood to survive . I found all this to be more interesting than I had expected it was going to be . " What is your name ? " I asked him , not thinking that my question might anger him . Thankfully , he seemed to be fine with whatever I asked him . That was sure going to make this a whole lot easier , I thought to myself . What a beautiful name . I caught myself lost in thought about the gorgeous being that had attacked me . I knew that I should hate him , but the more that I talked to him , the more I relaxed . Aden explained that it was because I was feeding on animal blood and not human blood . Obviously , human blood stays in our system longer . I hated the thought of that . It was wrong to feed from a human . Or , that was what I thought . Aden was very confusing to me . I wasn 't sure whether he liked me or not and I guess that really doesn 't even matter , but I would like for him not to be planning on killing me without me knowing about it . All the thoughts that I had about getting revenge on him had disappeared . I didn 't want that now . I was desperate to understand what kind of life I was going to lead . Was it going to be torture ? I shivered at the thought of having to feed on a human . That was the part that I don 't think is ever going to go away . I scanned the area and found that he was right . The only animal that I had found had been a tiny rabbit . That was only going to make our thirst worse . " Come . I have a place nearby . The fridge is full of human blood . " he said and before I knew it , he had put my phone in his pocket and snatched my hand . We were moving at such a rate of speed that I was certain that we were flying . I love the feeling that it gave me . So much power was in this new body and I could do anything that I wanted to . We came upon a small house at the base of the mountain . The area that surrounded it was sure to keep away any unwanted visitors . The trees were thick and made the house look darker than normal , but I liked the way it looked . Aden had taken great care of it and I could tell that he wanted it to look nice . Why , I have no idea . It wasn 't like anyone was going to want to come out here . A small rose garden , filled with different shades of blooms , was off to each side of the walkway . I felt the need to stop and gaze at them . The thirst couldn 't even keep me from it . I had always loved to look at flowers and these were in such wonderful condition that I had to take the time to appreciate them . For some reason , I didn 't want him to be in pain . I guess it was because I had felt that pain before and it was not a pleasant experience . I don 't think that I would wish that on anyone . Not even him . I remembered what he had told me about bloodlust . If I waited too long to feed , than my body would take over and force me to take blood . When that happened , there would be no stopping me from attacking and it wouldn 't matter who I done it to . Aden said that vampires had been known to attack other vamps in the process . I didn 't want to attack anyone . Not even Aden . I just want to be able to live peacefully , but I was sure that in order to have the life that I wanted , I was going to have to do it alone . I couldn 't involve anyone else in what was my nature now . Just imagine what my mother would think if I came home one night covered in blood . I could sense the fogginess entering my mind . That had been one of Aden 's first warning signs that he gave me . I knew now that it was only going to be a matter of minutes before I was in pure bloodlust . But it was too late . I could feel the rage building up inside me and I knew that there was not a single thing that I could do about it . I could smell the blood and I was up off the sofa in an instant . I moved with stealth and precision as I made my way to the entrance of the kitchen . When I turned the corner in the direction that I smelled the blood , there Aden stood . He was poised to attack . That caught me off guard . He wasn 't going to attack me . He was going to have to defend himself from me . " Laynie , you better stay back ! " he screamed at me , but I didn 't care . All I could think about was getting to the blood on the counter behind him . Aden knew that too . I immediately took the mug and turned it up , taking all the precious liquid inside and leaving not a single drop behind . I could feel the panicked feeling from the bloodlust leaving me and I was face to face with Aden . How could I have been so stupid ? I could have killed him and whoever else might have been in the area . I was sure to make myself feed on a regular basis from here on out . I couldn 't risk getting out of control like this again . I stood there looking at Aden . I wanted to apologize for almost attacking him , but I was so ashamed of myself that I thought I would be better off to just keep my mouth shut . I didn 't want to make him angry at me . Every emotion that I was used to having had been heightened . My anger turned to rage and I noticed that my sadness quickly turned into desolation . There was just so much that I needed to learn . But there was the matter of the emotion that I was feeling right now . I had never felt this . It was a burning like my thirst , but it was in the rest of my body . Maybe it was the human blood that I had just drunk . Soon , my mind wasn 't clouded and the need to feed was still there , but I had managed to tuck it safely away . I wanted to drink more and obviously Aden knew that I was going to because he had turned his attention away from me and began to warm up another mug full for me . The beeping sound that the microwave had made when the process was finished was like music to my ears . It soothed me to know that I was going to be offered blood again . He took the mug out and handed it to me . I took it without hesitation and thanked him . This time I didn 't drink nearly as fast as I had with the previous cup . Savoring the taste was working wonders for me and I was glad that I didn 't have to take it directly from the source . When I was finished , I took the mug to the sink and washed it and placed it in the dish drainer . " Yeah … Look , I 'm sorry about before . I wasn 't sure what was happening and when I finally realized it , well , it was too late . " He nodded and smiled at me , knowing that I was sincere in my apology . I felt more at ease with him . Being comfortable around him was a good thing . That meant that I was no longer thinking of ways to kill him . Honestly , I think he turned me because he was lonely . |
When last we spoke , you had just finished reading my Romantic Epic . As you 're probably aware , four days after the final installment , my boyfriend flew up and proposed to me , thus becoming my fiance . We proceeded to have a not - long - enough blissful week of enjoying each other 's company - when I wasn 't working . The story of how the night of his proposal went down is chaotic to say the least , but let 's say that there were late flights , forgotten sparklers , and lots of spilled sparkling cider . His grandmother came up with him , and meeting her was fantastic . She could tell within minutes that Tim and I were a good match . " Tim is the boy version of Hannah , and Hannah is the girl version of Tim . " It 's really a quite accurate observation . We 're different , but the same . My fiance is an incredible man , folks . I love him more than I did a week ago , or a month ago , or two months ago . There is no man that I 've known who I could be more excited to call my husband . I can 't wait to live life with him . So - I had a good month of vacation . Now , I 'm home and busier than ever . I got a minor promotion at work , I got a second job , I 'm planning my wedding , I 'm looking for a place for Tim and I to live , I 've begun running again , AND I 'm in college again . There is , to state the obvious , a lot to do . I 'm thankful , though . I 'm thankful that I don 't feel overwhelmed . I 'm thankful that the Lord is proving Himself to be true to His character , and is bringing things together seamlessly , in His right time . I 'm thankful that my second job is something I can do from home . I 'm thankful that I have a reason to not quit my job at the cafe . I 'm thankful that I 'm acing my class so far . I 'm thankful that wedding plans are only a little stressful , and actually coming together fine . I 'm thankful that I feel more organized than I do scattered . This is a good season of my life . I 'm thankful that this has been such a NICE year . Last year was the definition of hellish , and this year has been the opposite . I 'm thankful that I trust the Lord again . We went to church on Sunday morning , and I loved sitting next to this man that I was beginning to absolutely adore . He put his arm around me during the sermon , and it was exactly as I had imagined it would be the Sunday before . I saw us , sitting in that pew , together . It happened , and it was . . . perfect . I belong by his side , and he next to mine . I didn 't want to risk it . I wanted to be right with God . I knew that Tim was a gift , and I didn 't want to ruin anything . So , I went forward . I repented for my unbelief . I chose to trust God again . I felt new . I walked back to our pew , wiping tears from my eyes , and stood with Tim , who was misty - eyed , himself . Let me set the scene of the night before , for you . Tim had been a dear , and made up my bed on the sofa for me ( which he proceeded to do the following nights of his stay , and it was wicked sweet , and wonderful . ) He took a shower , and I was laying in bed ( read : sofa . ) Before he went to bed , he leaned on the arm of the sofa , hovering over my head . HA . Oh , my gosh . We still get a kick out of this whenever we talk about , because it was so random and hilarious ! I didn 't know what he was doing , and he didn 't know what I was doing , and whatever it was was cute , and awkward , and when he closed the door to my room , and snuggled under my blanket , and smiled to myself thinking , " He likes me . " We spent the afternoon with Jill , and Kate , who , as always , were lovely hosts . Tim enjoyed being with them , and I 'm thankful that they are in our lives . At one point , Tim was talking to Kate in the kitchen , and my mother and Auntie Jill wanted to know if anything had happened . So we grabbed dad , and all went outside to " look at the flowers , " so that I could tell them about what happened in the car . I told dad that he should probably be prepared to have a more serious dad talk with Tim , because we were definitely on the verge of being in a relationship . We stopped by Starbucks so that he could meet some friends , and then went home . We had planned on going to the beach to look at the stars , so we pretty much just hung out until dark . We didn 't leave before talking as a group with my parents , though . Family talk was a success ! Tim and I went off for a late night drive to the beach to look at the stars . We got a little lost , made ourselves Facebook official , and when we finally found the beach , discovered that it was a little cloudy , and really chilly . The blanket we brought with us was barely warm enough . We huddled close together , sitting in a lovely state of bliss , talking . . . shivering . . . kissing . It was great . The best part is that we got kicked off the beach by a police officer , and our romance officially became like a Hollywood rom - com . We still laugh about it , and probably will for the rest of our lives . We made our way home , and tried watching a movie - we watched a lot of movies . I believe it was Sunday night . . . no , maybe Saturday night . . . that we stayed up till sunrise . No , it must have been Sunday . Either way . We were up til sunrise at some point . It was romantic , okay ? Monday was a rainy day , we took a road trip to Rhode Island to visit a family friend of Tim 's . They are a lovely couple , and I loved meeting them . We had a really nice time together . On the way there , and on the way home , Tim slept a while each way . All I could do was keep myself from crying out of gratitude to God . I had a man dozing on my shoulder who was everything I had dreamed of . Who wanted to be with me , and thought I was fantastic just for who I was . I didn 't deserve that ! I didn 't deserve anything . But I was blessed . And I was overwhelmed . Monday night , though . . . that fateful night . Tim and I drove to Haverhill to pick up pizza . He had his arms wrapped around me as I drove , and we talked . I was sharing my heart with him about the place I had been in , about how he was everything that I had given up on . I couldn 't stop myself from crying . I cry , okay ? I felt Tim rub his face on my shoulder , after he had handed me a tissue , and he said something to imply that he was crying . Dad said his good nights , and I gave Tim a nudge to talk to him about what had happened . He stood up , about to do it , looked at me , I gave him a " you can do it " wink , and then he sat down . I can 't blame him . It 's a terrifying thing to bring up to the father of the woman you love . I told him that he didn 't have to do it now if he felt it wasn 't time , but encouraged him to not be nervous . And like the incredible man that he is , he stood up , and went to talk to my dad . I don 't know what they said to each other , but I told my mom what had happened . Tim and my father emerged from the room . I don 't quite remember what happened . I know that Tim and I cuddled on the sofa watching a movie for the rest of the night . And long after the movie ended . We didn 't want the night to end . He was leaving the next day . It was awful . But we were in love . We are in love . Tuesday came . We reluctantly parted ways . I watched Tim walk into the airport , and he kept turning back to look at me ( I told you , it 's like a movie , for real . ) So , now , we talk every day . In the late hours of the night , or the wee hours of the morning . Our record so far is six hours of video chatting until about 5 or so in the morning . SIX HOURS . And we probably coud have kept going , but geez , I guess we should get sleep ? It 's amazing , guys . God is so faithful . He has been so faithful to us . We both know that this is nothing except a work of God , honestly . It 's too crazy to not be God . So , I 'm thankful . And incandescently happy . I 've found my true soulmate . The one my soul loves . I had a rocky journey to find him , but it happened . I can 't wait to see what our future together holds . So , Tim is in Massachusetts . I forgot to mention a nice thing in the previous post from the night we sat in the apartment , talking . I asked him how he felt so far , and he said that he felt at home with my parents . Which was really neat . Onward . We dropped Sam off at her house , and headed to mine after a long day . We were tired . All I could think about was if this guy even liked me - just as a person , let alone romantically ! So , I asked him . In the exuberant , exasperated way that I do , sometimes . " Do you even like me ? ! Are you still glad you came ? ! " He said that he wanted to spend more time with me , just us . So that he could get a better feel of how we are together . Totally legit . We got back to the house , and pretty much just went to bed . THURSDAY . Thursday was a turning point for me . Tim , God bless him , chose to come with me to work . I was working a seven - hour day , and he was able to keep himself busy , but the poor guy - he was bored out of his mind . I felt so bad . He walked around Newburyport a little bit , found a neat antique shop . He laid in the grass by the boardwalk . He was tired , and I couldn 't blame him . I felt terrible . " Hannah , take him at his word . Don 't make assumptions . You have no reason to not believe what he says . Keep being yourself , and make him feel comfortable . " My attitude was based out of fear from the past , where I had learned to be manipulative , and that I was always bound to be manipulated . I had to read into things , I had to find hidden meanings . . . that 's what I was used to . But I knew that this was sound . So I changed . I knew that if I kept doubting , and questioning , I would push him away . I didn 't want to do that . " Of course , " he said . " Why wouldn 't I ? I 'm here for you . " We looked at each other , and smiled . And I knew it was going to be okay . Prison Ministry events aren 't the norm . Especially when you drag a poor guy along , who is out of his element . None of us would have been surprised or upset if Tim had just sat somewhere out of the way , and been on his phone the whole time . But he didn 't . Before we even left the house , and were getting ready , he was helpful . He jumped in . He did whatever he was asked to do , and then some . If he saw something to do , he did it . He was friendly to the guys at the house , he shook their hands , and handed out sodas gladly . He enjoyed listening to the people who spoke . He helped clean up . He was amazing . My parents and I noticed . I went to my mother and said that he was amazing . I didn 't even realize how important it was that he was willing to serve until that night , and I saw him . I still can 't believe it . I can , because he 's absolutely wonderful , but I still shake my head . That night , we ended up driving around , listening to music , and talking . We ended up across from Plum Island , at a dead end . We turned around , and went to Denny 's to get some food . We had a great time . We laughed a lot . We talked . It was great . And I can 't confirm or deny it , but it was either Friday night , or Saturday that I held his hand for the first time . I couldn 't wait any longer , okay ? I really liked him . It was probably Saturday . No ! It WAS definitely Saturday . For the following reason . . . Friday night , when we got home , we watched " Monty Python and the Holy Grail . " We watched it in my room , on his laptop . Sitting close together on my bed . The only way that this awkward position could be remotely comfortable was if one of us put our arm around the other . So I put my arm around him . After a while , he asked if I wanted to trade arms , and he put his arm around me . And its was great . And we laughed like idiots , because Monty Python is brilliant . Saturday , we went to see an outdoor theatre at the state park in Newburyport . We both really enjoyed it , and he said the words " I like plays , " and I probably swooned . I 'm not gonna lie . We just chilled for the rest of the day . We sat on the sofa after getting back from the park , and talked about where we were at , how we felt . He said that he really enjoyed my company . I told him that I really liked him . He said he really liked me too . It was adorable , and he was getting more comfortable putting his arm around me , and holding my hand , etc . We went out for hibachi that night , came home , and watched The Sixth Sense . He knew that I had tried watching it again recently , but couldn 't finish because it was freaking me out . He promised to make me feel safe , and that he did . We had a great time . Let me backtrack a little . When I was about 12 years old , I decided that I wasn 't going to date . I was going to wait until God brought the perfect man into my path , and then we would court , and we would get married . I was steadfast with this conviction for years , until I got to college . At the time , I was liking a guy back home who seemed really great , I convinced myself that the Lord had told me he was the one , and I was waiting for him . . . without there having been any communication between us , because God was going to just tell him that I was the One , duh . Then enter Zack , that guy I 've written about , and bemoaned for eons . He was the closest thing to a soulmate that I had ever encountered . We knew each others thoughts , we were best friends , we manipulated each other by not being straight forward , I was there for him at any moment that he needed me to be his listening ear . . . we liked each other . He told me that he could see us working out really well together . He told me to pray about it . You can see where this is going , right ? You are also in the future with me , right ? From the summer of 2009 , to the summer of 2013 , Zack was IT . I was willing to go through anything , I believed and never doubted for a second that he was THE ONE . Who cares that I couldn 't understand what was right in front of me ? Who cares that even though I knew his desire to " be best friends with the same emotionally intimate relationship we had before , " AS WELL as have a steady girlfriend was unhealthy . I would win that battle . We were made for each other . He would see . Lol , Hannah . Lol . No , that culminated in a heartbreaking phone call the Monday before my birthday , where Zack cornered me about my feelings for him , and told me that he would never have romantic feelings for me . We were " too perfect for each other . " Okay . That 's fine . I can deal with this . I 'll deal with it by slowly letting myself get angry with God , and giving up on trusting Him for anything that I trusted Him for before . There was no perfect man . I had been believing God for a joke . Trusting God meant inviting pain into your life . I didn 't acknowledge the place I was really in until late last year / this year . I decided that it was better to trust myself - that way , I knew that I would be disappointed . I 'm imperfect . No expectations there . I just didn 't care about anything , anymore . I had my first kiss this past January with someone who ( is a fine person as a human being , ) was completely wrong for me . We got along , but I knew nothing would come of it . It couldn 't . He did drugs , and he didn 't have any kind of walk with God , and so what if he had gentle smiles ? But I had given up . I got tired of waiting . What 's the point of waiting for something that doesn 't exist ? Something that I was never really promised in the first place ? If you had asked me if I still wanted to wait to have sex before I was married , I probably would have said " I don 't know . I 'll have to be in the situation to find out . " I did everything right . I got heartbroken . God let me down . He saw what I had wanted , and let me down . So why bother , anymore ? Finding the love of my life has been a huge part of my life . It 's what I completely invested myself into believing for . Why ? I don 't know . Sometimes I wished that I could have just gotten into drugs or something . Anyway . Moving forward . Tim was different . In ways that were important to me back when I was a little girl . Things about him existed on my " List " that I had given up on long ago . " Never had a girlfriend before , " was one of them . Even my pastor 's wife wished me luck with that one when I told her about it all those years ago . And when I found out this little factoid about him , a voice in my head gently reminded me : " Remember when that was important to you ? " Yeah , I do . Weird . We have the ability to talk for hours . So much to the point where it 's becoming a problem . But in the early days , this was pretty big for me . When we first talked on the phone , we talked for an hour and a half . I stuggle to talk to my best friends on the phone for an hour and a half , let alone a man I 've never met . We skyped for two hours with ease , not realizing how much time had gone by - " Time flies when you 're having fun , " he had said . And then , the last phone call we had before he came up here lasted a grand total of three hours . Who even am I ? I NEVER talk to ANYONE for three hours . Ever . EVER . This was different . During that particular phone call , I found out that he too , was waiting until marriage . Heck , I gave up on finding anyone who was still willing to wait . No one does that at my age . They don 't exist . If they do , they 're secluded , and don 't know how to pursue women . It 's just true . We 've both discussed how insane it is that we couldn 't find anything wrong with each other before we met . He told me that he would try to ask questions that could potentially have a deal - breaking answer . I never gave one . The same is true for me . He could do no wrong . Me : So , we know that you flying up from Florida is insane , right ? It 's super great , and fantastic but it 's also crazy . And it 's a really big deal . So , because it 's such a big deal , my dad is probably going to have a conversation with you . Who is okay with this ? I mean , it turned out that my dad was going to pick him up from the airport , and he didn 't shy from it . Who does this ? WHO ? TELL ME . I mean , this guy is incredible . He 's faced some pretty intimidating stuff since meeting me and my family , but he hasn 't shied away from them . He just goes with it , and not because he 's just trying to please anyone , but because he wants to . He thinks things through , and he has a mind of his own , and it 's amazing . TIM COMES TO MASSACHUSETTS . I hadn 't felt nervous until the day he was going to arrive . This is what I instagrammed ( so white . ugh . ) And before I knew it , he was here . I went outside to greet him , we hugged . He hugged my mom . I was crazy nervous . His ride with dad went well , they didn 't have a very intense " dad talk , " mostly because we didn 't know if this would turn into a thing or not ( however , before he came , I predicted that we would be a couple before he left . ) But it went well , nonetheless . We went on to get some stuff from the grocery store together . He was all gentlemanly , and carried the grocery basket for me . He was quiet , and I was quiet , kind of . I told him I was nervous . He was really nice about it . He had dinner with us that night , and then I brought him into Boston to stay with his friend for the first night . I hung around at the apartment with him - alone ! Scandalous ! - and I basically asked him , " WHY ARE YOU HERE ? ! " He didn 't know . He wanted to get to know me . I forced myself to believe him . We sat on the futon together for about an hour before I decided I should head home , and stop being a bad friend - Sam was spending the night , and we were all going to spend the day in Boston the next day . You 've read my blog . You know my story , my struggles , and the inner turmoil that tossed and turned concerning my love life - or lack , thereof . I don 't need to rehash any of my past for you . You know it . You 've prayed for me , maybe rolled your eyes at me , laughed with me ( or maybe even at me . ) It 's exciting . It 's more than exciting . It 's mind - blowing . It 's humbling . It 's more than I ever dreamed it could be . . . well , I guess it 's more like its everything that I dreamed it could be , I just reached the point of having given up on everything that I was dreaming about . I recently got my girlfriend Sam to join a dating app . Just for fun , mostly . I had a couple okay connections on it , and being single is kinda lame sometimes , so I told her to check it out . One day , she connected to guy on said dating app . They talked for a little while , and eventually , she sent me a picture of him . I don 't really know what to say from this point , to be honest . This was in April . Sam didn 't tell David about me right away . Once she did , he was more than willing to contact " beard friend " to see if he 'd be interested in talking to me . Our numbers were exchanged . I couldn 't believe what I had done . I don 't give my number to random men that live in Florida ! How would this even work out ? He doesn 't live near me at all ! I decided that I didn 't want to text him first . I would wait . I had already been so uncharacteristically aggressive that I didn 't think I could make myself do it . Later that night , as I was getting home from a walk . . . Now , when I read his initial text , what went through my head was , " Wow , he 's just . . . planning to talk on the phone . This is weird . . . " and he didn 't ask like , " Hey , wanna talk on the phone some time ? " He just put it out there . We 're gonna talk on the phone , when out of these options works for you ? I liked that . I didn 't have to try and make him talk on the phone . I will note , that he preferred to talk on Tuesday , as opposed to Wednesday , because it was a full week after we had begun texting . . . who pays attention to that ? We made plans to video chat on the upcoming Sunday . I got to kind of meet his mom . And we just . . . talked . Laughed . Then , at one point in the conversation , he tells me that he 's looking at flights to come up here . Here 's what went through my mind : " What ? ! Why ? What if we aren 't even talking after another week ? He already knows he wants to fly up here ? What ? ! " So we had a date . We were going to see " Jurassic World . " It was insane . It was exciting . Why not just go along for the ride ? Not long after Tim had talked about looking at flights , maybe a little over a week , his flight was officially booked . It was insane . I had a boy flying across the country . . . to meet ME . I mean , I 've come to the acceptance that I 'm a pretty fantastic person , so of course he would want to meet me - I 'm a frickin ' catch . ( Look , it 's not ego , okay ? It 's taken me years to think that I 'm truly worth anyone 's attention . Love me . ) But it was madness . I don 't know this guy . He doesn 't know me . He 's FLYING FROM FLORIDA to meet ME . Something must have stuck out within that first week that made him feel compelled to do this , right ? I am . I think that wrongs should be righted , I think that people should have equal rights as a human race , and I think that we need to respect each other . Our lives are our own - our pain , our joy , our failures , our successes - they are ours , and we have every right to feel as sad about something or as happy about something as we want . I 'm cleaning my room . I 'm even dusting thew walls as high as I can reach , and dusting the window sills . Things I never think about , but allow to become disgusting . All I can think to myself is : How in the world can I even think about general respect if I don 't respect myself ? Because I don 't respect myself . That 's the fact . I don 't respect my intelligence , my body , my heart , or my spirit . I treat myself terribly . Slowly I 'm becoming more confident on the outside , but inwardly , I still talk down about myself . I 'm far too hard on myself about everything . I 've created an impossible standard that I will never meet , and when I realize that I haven 't met it , it sends me into an emotional tailspin . I feel like I 'm starting from zero when it comes to my walk with God . I know that I love Him , and that I want to honor Him , and that 's it . I 've had enough personal experiences with God to know that He 's real , but I 've fallen out of trust in Him with certain things . I feel like a lot of my beliefs are things that I believe because it 's just how I was raised , which is fine to a point because we need a place to start , but I want to believe for myself . But I don 't want to do the work . And I don 't want to find out that I believe something differently in a way that might offend people that I love and respect . I have to become my own . And yes , I know , we are God 's not our own , but I 'm afraid to fully let God have me , to be honest . I feel like I let Him have all of me , because He dangled something in front of me that I wanted , and then just tossed it away to where I 'll never get it . So I 'm cleaning my room because I want to respect myself . I deserve a space that isn 't dusty , or cluttered with bins of stuff that I 'm not using and clothes I 'm not wearing . I 'm working out and eating better because my body deserves it . Not because I 'm afraid of what people think of me and how I look - sometimes I worry , but not like I used to . But I deserve respect . I 'm not going to over - invest my time and energy in things that don 't edify me because I 'll be drained and for what ? An extra $ 100 dollars to spend ? I deserve better than what I 'm currently giving myself . It has been a long , cold , grey winter . I 'm currently in Arizona with my parents , visiting family . We taking a short trip to California for a couple days , tomorrow morning and finishing our trip with my Grams ' memorial . Right now , I 'm sitting in the sunshine on the patio , in a rocking chair , drinking locally roasted and brewed iced coffee . Ultimate relaxation . I will not be upset if I get some color on my face and arms . The more I come out this way , the more I want to stay here . . . I just have no problem with the majority of my days being sunny and warm . Well , I haven 't blogged in a long time . I work at an independent coffee shop a couple towns away from me . My boss seems to like me , and appreciate that I can do my job , which is oddly satisfying . Thanks , Howard , for not appreciating me while I learned how to do my job well so that someone else could benefit from it . I 'm nervous about summer at the shop , because I don 't have a flow with working with people anymore . And it 's going to be BUSY . But it will come and go , and I 'll learn . Hopefully I 'll learn quickly . I dated a guy for a little while . We met on a dating app , and he 's a great guy . We haven 't spoken in almost two weeks . Whatever . I can 't care anymore . And I don 't . I 'm smart , beautiful , and ridiculous enough . Someday someone will be grown enough to notice . Until then , I 'll keep wearing lipstick , and smiling pretty at anyone I find attractive . # femininecharms My girlfriend Joanna and I are going to Europe this year . The big purchases are taken care of - tickets , accommodations . Now to keep saving up and start running again . I miss running . I see people running through the marina , and I just miss it . It 's empowering . DOING NOTHING IS SO NICE . It is really weird to not have to be responsible for anything , or have to take care of anything . BEING IN THE SUN IS SO NICE . Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh Anyway , EUROPE . I 'm going there . I 'm going to London , and Paris , and Iceland . We are going to see " Much Ado About Nothing " AT THE GLOBE . We are going to tour Buckingham Palace . We are going to the Louvre . We are going to see the Eiffel Tower at night , and touch Notre Dame . WHAT IS MY LIFE . Let 's be real for a minute - if I was doing my own shop still , I would not be able to go to Europe . Yes , I 'm not doing my shop . I wasn 't ready . It 's okay . I don 't remember if I mentioned that publicly yet . You probably figured it out . Well . I don 't know what else to say . That 's what 's going on . No deep thoughts . Just living . Trying to do my best . Wow - I am blessed , thankful , and EXHILARATED . This month has been incredible . The first week of January , literally days 1 - 7 , were each a delight . It was a great week . The memory of that week will put a smile on my face for a long time . Nothing bad happened . I went out for coffee , and had great conversation with a lady I worked with for about a day before she transferred . Most of our relationship was established on Facebook . We talked for hours , and drank really incredible coffee ! A friend of mine ended up having to move pretty last minute , and I got to help him out / spend some time with him which was great , because he moved far away , and is going on tour with his band soon . So he won 't be around . I got to spend a lot of time with friends ( I 'm pretty sure the first day of the year included Chipotle which is DEFINITELY a good omen ) , and it was just a really relaxing , wonderful , memorable week . I 'm thankful that 2015 had such a positive kickoff . From that point , I 've started working at my new job , and I think I 'm getting the hang of it . The people are really nice , and it 's nice to have a job that I 'm invested in because it 's my job , but am just more reasonable about . I don 't hang out , I don 't really want to . It 's nice , honestly . There have been a lot of burritos in my 2015 , come to think of it , as a random side note . It 's not even a problem . Hashtag blessed . MY SHOP . I 'm starting a coffee shop , in case you hadn 't heard the news . The space is cleared , cleaned , and PAINTED . I need furniture , and coffee . That 's it . I can be open by March . So , I went to New York yesterday . I drove there with a lady who will help me sometimes in my shop . I drove home alone . We went to Stumptown Coffee , and met with Jaime , my wholesale coffee contact . He did some pourover training with us , and we drank a TON of coffee . It was amazing . I know what kind of products I want to use , and I 'm thrilled that it worked out for me to go up there . The Lord has been so faithful to put everything in place the way it should be . I was literally at a point where I was convinced that my only option was to put it off until I had more money . God bless my mother , for being there even when I 'm a terrible person , to encourage me and help me realize that even if all I had was a table and a lame coffee pot , I 'd be happy to do that . She prayed for me , and things turned around . Everything fell into place . The ball started rolling . I 'm in awe . Shocked . I got to go to New York to drink coffee , and brew coffee , and see coffee get roasted from start to finish . I have visited my roaster . I 've shaken his hand . MY roaster . I AM IN THE COFFEE BUSINESS . IT IS NOT REAL LIFE . It is . This is real life , and i can 't believe it . I got to see a friend from college yesterday to , and sleep at her house . She has a baby , and he 's amazing , and it 's so weird to know that she 's a mom . Her husband is still a great guy , and I hope my friendship with them is one that continues to mature through this year , and my life . I don 't want to miss out on people this year . I 'm so bad a staying in touch with people , but I know I have to . The people in my life matter to me . But they 'd never know it . On a lighter note - I 'm thankful . I 'm trying . I 'm happy . I 'm content . I 'm surrounded by wonderful people . I 'm listening to a lot of music . If you 're new here , you may be wondering , " What the heck does ' Life Over Pancakes ' mean ? ? " Understandable . It 's a little obscure , but it 's a phrase that I hold near to my heart . Check out the post " Why pancakes " to get the full story ! Let me backtrack a little . When I was about 12 years old , I decided that I wasn 't going to date . I was going to wait until God brought . . . |
I can 't believe I 've been home for over a month ! I hope the rest of the time goes by just as quickly . I am beyond ready for the kids to be here . I thought it was hard to wait before the first visit . But now that I 've met them , it is even harder to wait for them to come home . I can 't believe I can miss someone so much that I only knew for a week . But I 've loved them for over a year . That 's a long time to wait . I 've completed all of the second - stage documents that I need to complete , and now I am back to the waiting game . You would think I 'd be good at it by now , but I 'm not . Now , we wait for a court date . In the meantime , I am super blessed to be able to skype with them about once a week . Most of the time , between the 9 hour time difference and the internet connection being horrible , we only get to see each other for a few minutes , but at least I get to see their faces , and they look forward to seeing me . There is a wonderful caregiver who always takes the time during her shifts to let the children skype with me and give me updates on how they are doing . She is not obligated to do this in any way , so I am super grateful for her efforts . I have learned that Sam is doing great in his special school for the visually impaired , where he stays during the week . He is happy and learning a lot . I also learned that Sofia is daydreaming a lot in school about coming to the US . She asks every day when I am coming back for her . Soon , my precious girl , very soon . But she is also doing well in school and at home . It is so comforting to hear these things . Every waiting child needs to be cared for like this . Well , every child needs a family , but if they have to be waiting . . . . . you know what I mean . I am so grateful for the care my children are getting . During the skype sessions , we can 't speak each others language at all . The only thing we can all say ( in both languages ) is " I love you " . We just stare at each other and say " I love you " over and over : ) I also get to see all of the other kids in the group home . They all crowd around the camera being goofy . They call me mama , because that 's what my kids say , and they enjoy having someone to talk to . They will have me repeat after them ( in Bulgarian ) " I love you _____ " and will fill in each child 's name . They giggle and laugh each time I complete the sentence . Its so fun to talk with all of them , but it breaks my heart . Those kids are so precious . They need someone to go and get them . While I am relieved that they are in a good and safe situation ( most orphans are not that lucky ) , they still need a family . You can tell how much they want to connect with someone and be loved . Now for the good part ! The wonderful caregiver was chatting with me on skype ( we copy and paste from google translate , which is not exactly accurate in a conversation but we get the point ) , and she sent me some photos of Sofia from earlier this summer , right after she moved from the orphanage to the group home . One of the photos I love is of her first day of school . I am so blessed that I get to see a photo of my girl on her very first day of school . I know this is not the norm for most adoptive families and I am so happy I got to see at least one photo of her during this milestone . Then I start thinking . When you look at the uncropped version of the photo , you can see some of the kids there , and they each had at least one of their parents with them . My little girl didn 't have a parent to take her to her first day of school . But she smiled anyways . Oh , I can 't wait until she is with her family , and will have all sorts of firsts that I will be sure to take plenty of photos of . And the next 2 are from a trip to the beach . The kids in the group home get to go on field trips in order to be exposed to more things . I can 't wait until she can go to the beach with her family ! ! But isn 't she cute ? : ) They called me mama . It might have been the best thing I have ever heard . Today was the big day where we were able to explain to the children that I am not just a fun American visitor , but a mama who came to love them and take them home . The day started out with just Sam . Sofia had to go to school to complete her equivalent of an IEP , so she can receive special services in school the next few months she is here , in order to catch her up with her peers ( she missed out on a lot while institutionalized ) . We picked Sam up from the house and headed to the park again . We had a great time . He even asked to go to the " toiletna " : ) When I took him to the restroom , he started doing his crazy man thing and flushing the toilet , touching everything , and getting into the garbage can . I took both of his hands firmly in mine , pulled him towards me , looked him in the eye and said " Ne " ( no , the only thing I can say ) . He then immediately calmed down , smiled at me , put his arms around my neck and let me hold him . Aww . Loves . But since his pants were halfway down I set him on the potty and let him go . And even after that , he was a calm little man and allowed me to carry him back to the playground and then he just let me hold him and he put his little head on my shoulder . This happened yesterday too . I can 't figure it out . Maybe its a sensory thing ? Maybe he likes having limits or being told what he can / cannot do ? I don 't know yet , but if that 's all it takes I 'm not complaining , although it will be nice to know what the issue is so we can prevent it all together . Then for the afternoon visit we picked both of them up at the house and took them to the office , so the social worker could explain to them everything that would happen over the next few months . We all sat around this big table ( very formal ) to talk , and the kids were given crayons and coloring pictures . Sam can 't see well enough to color anything yet , so he scribbled for about 2 seconds then got down and started to play . Sofia 's one coloring paper had different depictions of families on it , like a mom and dad , grandparents only , one with lots of kids , and one with a single mom . She was told to color her family . ( She had not been told that she had one yet ) The other paper had 3 different pictures of families , and Sofia was told to color the one with the happy family . While the adults were talking , she was coloring . It was all sort of formal and you could tell she was shy and uncertain of what was happening , so she was intently coloring her pictures . When she was almost done with her pictures , the social worker started talking to her and telling her what was going to happen . That sometimes people have children and can 't care for them , then someone like me wants those children and chooses them . The SW told her that I have been approved to be their mama , and soon I will be coming to take them home . She started smiling really big and said " yes , yes " , but wouldn 't quite look at us yet . Then she showed us the pictures she colored , and she had colored the picture of the single mom , and she made it with blonde hair : ) She also picked the " correct " happy family , the family sitting on the couch snuggling . Then the SW asked her if she wanted to see the photo album I prepared . She said yes and came and sat in my lap and we went through it . The first few photos were of me , then of my parents , grandmas , sister / brother , family , then photos of our house . When she first went through it , she would point to the picture and say " Autumn " ( that is what she had called me all week ) whenever she would see me . The SW would then say , " yes , mama Autumn " . We explained to her the rest of the photos . She would look up at me and smile . She saw the photo of her room and smiled really big , and said " this is my room " . She was pretty quiet but smiled the entire time . Then we had her get off of my lap , and sat Sam there and went through the album with him . When he got to his bed , he said " that 's MY bed . It has a pillow . " LOL . He held it up to his little eyes and studied the photos the best he could . Then all of a sudden , Sofia had a change in her expression , like a lightbulb went on . She came over and got in my lap , and started going through the photos again . She opened it and pointed to the photo and said " Mama ! " . She looked at me and smiled , and just kept saying " Mama " over and over again , then she gave me a hug . She went through the photo book so many times , pointing out everyone , and always made sure she pointed to " Mama " . When she came to the kitchen , she said " this is where mama will cook " ( oh great ! ) . She would smile and nestle her head into my neck , then start looking at photos again . She pointed out Baba and Dyado ( Grandma and Grandpa ) , and Chucho Mike ( uncle mike ) . She actually said " Aunt " Melissa . When she kept going through the book , she would turn her whole body to face me and just smile so big and lean into me , and I hugged and kissed her . She was talking about how she was going to America and that I was coming back to get her . She was so happy . The whole car ride back to their house , she would call my name - " mama " , no longer Autumn . She said it like 50 times . So awesome . She had been telling people over the last few days thaSam was happy too : ) He was smiling while looking at the photos , and was so excited about his bed and pillow . When it was time to go , the SW told him to go over and hold mama 's hand , and he walked right over to me with a smile on his face and held my hand : ) We also told them about their new names . Here , it is not common to have a first and middle name , so we explained to them that in America people have 2 names , and we told them what theirs was going to be . Sofia was happy with her name . So now they know that they have a mama , and a family who wants them . They know that they belong to a family . Tomorrow morning is our last visit , and I will be so sad to leave them , but so ready to return and pick them up ! Another good day . I am learning so much about the kids every day , even though we are only together for a few hours . Today I had my first real taste of what it 's going to be like when its just me and them ( them and I ? whatever ) . I was able to take them to my hotel room for a few hours and play , just the 3 of us . Let me say that it is not going to be easy ! We were there for only about 2 hours and I was exhausted at the end . I know all of you parents are thinking , no kidding . Especially the adoptive parents . And I knew it , too . But its one thing to have head knowledge and another thing to have experience . The funny thing is , I have read about this over and over , reading other adoptive parents blogs . And , that 's what I was expecting . Not a big shock to me at all . But boy is it different when it is happening right in front of you . I could feel those posts I read come to life . As great as everything is ( and it is still GREAT ! ) , my children still have delays , because up until a few months ago they were raised in an institution . I won 't use the word " neglect " , because I didn 't see their previous circumstances , but they are definitely behind in their development due to lack of stimulation and I was able to see that a few times today . The kids get overwhelmed easily , because they have had limited experiences . And when they get overwhelmed , they don 't melt down and cry , they get crazy . Like someone put a firecracker in their behind . ( They 're not unhappy or mad or grumpy - actually they were so excited when we pulled up this morning and so excited to hang out for the day ! ) For instance , before we picked them up to come to the hotel , I thought I had child - proofed the room so there wouldn 't be anything to get into - wrong ! ! ( I have been saying that alot lately ) Those kids were ALL OVER this room within seconds , turning lights on and off , flushing the toilet over and over , picking up the telephone , grabbing my camera , locking and unlocking doors , putting their fingers in light sockets . They were like toddlers but with better fine motor skills . You name it , it was happening . I could have sworn that someone was in the wall with candid camera . I mean , who would have thought it with a 6 and 7 year old ? But you have to watch them at all times . And run after them . Now , they weren 't misbehaving or " being bad " . They weren 't trying to be defiant or not listening to me . Their little brains were just on overdrive and they couldn 't regulate what was happening to them ( another thing I read about but never really understood until I saw it ) . And , to top it all off , even when I was talking to them its not like they could understand me . I can say " yes " and " no " , but after hearing " no " a few hundred times , the novelty wears off . The good news is , after an hour of pure craziness - when the newness was gone - they were able to settle down and play " normally " . Not because of anything I said or did , but because the overstimulation wore off . I have seen this happen in the park we visit as well . The first time we were there , they ran around in opposite directions like little banshees ( sp ? ) and couldn 't figure out what to play with or how to play with it , when there were so many choices . But on the subsequent visits , when the environment was predictable , they were able to Anyhow , back at the hotel ( once we all calmed down ) , it was fun . Well , I think it was fun for them the whole time LOL , just not so much for mom . We had a snack of goldfish , then we played with some toys . I brought a little purse that came with a toy phone , pretend eyeshadow / blush , a pretend credit card , and a little mirror for Sofia . I also added a tiny lip gloss , nail polish , hair brush and barrettes as well . Sofia knew immediately what everything was ( except the credit card ) , and she put " makeup " on her and then me . Then I painted her nails , but couldn 't communicate to her that it takes more than 30 seconds to dry , so there are little spots of pink nail polish around the room . Oops ; ) They both had a great time playing with that phone . Did I mention that phone makes noise and lights up ? Ugh - I vowed NEVER to start buying those kinds of toys ; ) Oh and yes , they are wearing their clothes from yesterday : ) They wanted to wear the new clothes , even though Sam 's are 3 sizes too big . And it 's not really cold enough for Sofia 's jacket : ) I told the group home they could just keep the big clothes for one of the other boys , but they ended up back on Sam today . Oh well ! I brought little cars for Sam and also a bouncy ball that lights up when you bounce it hard enough . I was excited about the cars because yesterday he was playing with a toy car at the office and loved it . Today , he didn 't want anything to do with the cars - of course . But he did like the ball . He planted himself on the floor in front of the metal trash can and would make the ball light up and hold it up to his face , or right beside the trash can so he could see the reflection . He can look at something forever if it is giving him any kid of visual stimulation . I can 't wait to get his eyes checked out . Then Sofia found the remainder of my coffee from breakfast ( you get straight up espresso here ! ) and started playing with it . At this point I was like whatever , I 'm picking my battles , have at it . So she put sugar in the few millimeters of remaining coffee , then would stir it up and feed it to us with the stirrer . She seemed to enjoy " cooking " . She then added water to it and put it in and out of the little fridge in the room , acting like she was cooking something . She also made sure to include her brother : ) Then it was time to leave for lunch - HALLELUJAH ! This is another area where I can see some institutional behaviors : ( My mama heart aches when I see it . My kids are always asking for food . When we were in the room , right after we had our snack , Sofia kept saying the same thing over and over , like 20 + times . So I had to call Toni and ask what she was saying . She was saying " When are we going to eat ? " and then " I 'm hungry " . Once Toni explained to her that we were going to lunch soon , she was satisfied and stopped asking . I can make Sam stop doing ANYTHING if I put food in front of him . During his crazy - man session this morning he stopped cold when I gave him the goldfish . I couldn 't even get him to come over and sit on the bed and be cozy and eat , he was just so intent on that food . They will finish WHAT EVER is put in front of them . The whole plate of food . The staff tells us that they will eat and eat , and don 't realize when they 're full . As crazy as they were in the beginning at the hotel , they were total angels and sat perfectly in public when we went to the restaurant for lunch . This is either because they knew their food was coming , or they know how to act in public . I think its because they were waiting for their food . This particular restaurant serves huge portions , even for kids ( I think that is common here in Bulgaria ) , and they both cleaned their plate . We actually had to take some of Sam 's fries away because honestly there were so many I don 't know how he fit it all in his stomach . We would ask him if he was full , and he would say " just a little bit more " : ( He shovels food into his mouth and hasn 't finished chewing the previous bite . We have to hold his fork and tell him to slow down and chew . The good news for me is that they will probably eat most of what I give them , even if my cooking is not good ; ) Another thing I noticed ( and I 'm almost done ! ) is how behind they are at socializing with their peers who have families . Once again , I knew it was that way , but actually saw it today . When we went to the park this afternoon , there was a birthday party with a bunch of kids jumping on the trampoline and playing with each other . My kids would just stand and watch , smiling , but when the kids interacted with them , they didn 't know what to do . They weren 't being shy or weird or anything , but they don 't understand how to have fun and play with a group of kids . I thought this was surprising , even coming from an institution , cause there are lots of kids there . But I don 't think they were taught to play . You can just tell there is something missing . These kids are so precious , I can 't believe they were ever abandoned or put in this situation . I am thanking God so much for that wonderful group home and staff they will be with until I return to pick them up . Anyhow , that 's what I learned today : ) I 'm not going to be able to bring them home , have them walk off the plane and just seamlessly integrate into normal family life and routine ( although I know they will do very well , probably relatively quickly ! ) . They won 't be able to come home for Christmas and enjoy the holiday and appreciate the details and presents that were bought just for them . They won 't be able to sit nicely at church with their hands folded . No , they will most likely freak out from over stimulation . At least this year . I really do have high hopes for next year , and even a few months of being home . So , if we see you when we first get home , give us some grace : ) Just this morning I read on a friend 's blog that she has to watch her 7 year old at every moment , and that it is exhausting . I totally get that now . And it was only 2 hours of alone time . ( I at least better be skinny when all of this is over , and we are settled at home : ) Anyhow , tomorrow is the BIG DAY when we officially get to tell them that I am " mama " . I will be so excited to let you know how that goes ! Although , Sam already called me mama today and Sofia has said she is going to America twice already . So I don 't think it will be a big surprise : ) But still fun ! Oh , and I can 't give away Sam 's real name here just yet , but I will give you a hint that you should be able to figure out so maybe you can help me decide what to do about his name . ( I hope that 's not too " illegal " : ) His name is a noun , I have used the word ( in the plural form ) in this post . This noun lives in heaven and has wings . LOL . I 'm sure you know what it is now . See my dilemma ? ? Poor guy . ( And it 's not pronounced like it is in Spanish ) Day 2 went just as well : ) I cannot say enough good things about the staff here . I really respect the way they treat the children and I really enjoy their company as well . Just in case you were wondering , the kids are still cute and beautiful in every way : ) We went to the park in the morning and did some more sliding and playing . The big hit today was those little vehicles that you put money in and they move around and make noises . They just go up / down and side / side , but the kids really loved them . I know that I am going to enjoy watching them have a lot of new experiences when they come home . They are just so happy to do small things . I hope that doesn 't change for a while . Another thing we loved was bubbles ! I was amazed again by Sam 's attention when he really likes something . We were told that he can 't pay attention to things , but boy did he keep blowing bubbles over and over and would squeal when he got a good bubble stream going ; ) I really think a lot of his issues are due to nobody at his ( previous ) orphanage paying attention to him . Anyhow , we just played around in the morning . We also played with the velcro ball thing I brought ( yay target dollar bin ! ) and one of those super high bouncy balls . In the afternoon , we went to the main office that oversees the group homes , to play there and have a more relaxed time coloring and just visiting . I brought coloring book and crayons , and one of those dry erase boards that is clear plastic and you stick various activity sheets ( to include the ones where you learn to write your letters ! ) under the plastic and write on top of it . Sofi did great copying the numbers and english letters that she was not familiar with . I am excited to leave that here so she can practice ( another plug for the awesome staff who is going to work with her while I am gone ! ) . I know she will learn quickly ! Sam appears to be left handed , but we will see ! It will be exciting to have a lefty in the family so my uncle Bob and my cousin Dave don 't feel left out : ) Can you tell that Sofia loves having her picture taken ? She asks all the time , especially when we do something new - " take my picture " . Of course , I oblige : ) She will then look at it and ask for a redo if she doesn 't look good in it . LOL . I also brought some clothes for them to try on so I knew what size to bring when I come and pick them up . I have visited several of my sponsored children and always get comments on how well I pick the size of their clothing , so I was feeling pretty good about my choices . After all , I did have their measurements from one year ago . Just add a size ( or not for Sam ) and I should be good , right ? Wrong ! Sofia apparently had a massive growth spurt , and Sam didn 't grow at all LOL . Her size 6 just fit , but was a little short , and his 5T was waaay too big . I will be bringing 2Ts for him next time : ) I really do try and take equal amounts of photos of each child , but Sam just won 't pose with us and is too busy running around . Sofia on the other hand , is a magnet for that camera . So I will probably have a few more photos of her cause she 's more than willing : ) 1 . Sofia always has a huge , ready smile each time I even glance her way . I have been told she is hungry for attention and love , and she sure eats it up . She just seems so eager to please , and flashes me that smile each time I look in her direction . Some of the time I think it is because she is genuinely happy , and the other times , I think she just wants me to like her . I hope she will soon realize that she doesn 't have to be smiling or try so hard for me to love her ! We 'll work on it . 2 . Sam has issues with the potty . Well , not really issues , but as I have said before , he wasn 't given any attention , and when he was sat on the potty every few hours , he would go , but was never taught to ask or tell someone when he had to go , so he would have accidents . Because of this , they are teaching him to ask , and now put him in a diaper ( size 4 ! ) when he is going to be out of his routine . The first day , he started acting like he had to go ( or went , LOL ) and we asked him and he said ' yes I have to go ' . When we took him in there , he had already went . So today , the social worker made him look right at her , and told him that when he has to go potty , he needs to TELL us before so we can take him . And , he did ! twice ! No accidents . Like it was never an issue . No big deal , nothing . I really do think he is a quick little guy and will really catch up with lots of love and attention . I cannot say how relieved and happy I am that while they are waiting for me to pick them up , they will be in the group home setting , getting individual attention from the staff and psychologist . Now back to the title of my post . Sofia and Samuel are the names I have chosen for them . However , their current names fit them so well ( and I will be allowed to post them here when the adoption is final ) . BUT , Sam 's given name is considered to be a girl 's name in the US , but it is not pronounced the same here , so it sounds masculine at the moment . So I 'm having a hard time deciding what to do . I don 't want him walking around being pint - sized with a girls name : / They do not have ' middle ' names , so I just might keep their given names as their middle ones , I dunno . It will be a tough decision . I 'm too tired to think of a more creative title . But I honestly can 't imagine these first two days being any better than they were . I decided that I was going to be totally honest in my posts , even if things didn 't go as well as I would have liked . I wanted people to know the real process , not just the rosy picture . My 3 flights to get here were great ( well , with the exception of the girl 2 seats over from me puking twice on the way to Germany , and the second time , she didn 't have a bag . Eew . Barf ) . Hardly any turbulence . Smooth sailing . I arrived , found all of my luggage , and breezed through passport control ( they didn 't even stamp my passport - boo ! ) . Well , thanks ! I can 't call them , but atleast I 'll leave a blog and facebook posts : ) Anyhow - then I was greeted by one of the most special people ever - Toni ! Those of you who know her , I don 't have to say any more . Those of you who don 't , I will talk much more about Toni later . She 's so great ! Someone told me that it would be like meeting an old friend , and they were so right . We have never met , but I feel like I have known her forever ! I was so excited to be in beautiful Bulgaria - the oldest country in Europe . I couldn 't wait to see the history of the country - the buildings , landscapes , everything ! I was actually happy that we had a 2 hour car ride to our destination city , so I could take it all in . I was so happy when our first stop was . . . . . . Not ! But , what trip is complete without it ? ? I don 't feel like I ever left home ! ( I didn 't eat there , but our driver did and I couldn 't resist taking a picture ! ) But since then , I have gotten to see some of Bulgaria and the city I am staying in , and it is really beautiful . I will post some of those photos later . I received updated photos of the kids with my official paperwork ( yay ! ) . My bed is so comfortable . The cost is cheap . I have a great internet connection . I slept great . I woke up early for the first time in my entire life . I was nervous , but not crazy nervous . I didn 't think I would function well today , but there were no emergency restroom stops ( enough said ) . Then it was time to go see the kids ! The moment I have waited for for over a year ! I was so excited . First , we went and saw the director . I found out that my kids were transferred in June from the institution they were in , to a small family - type group home that has 8 other children . This is huge . Great for their development and adjustment . It 's part of the social reform the gov 't is starting in order to get the kids out of the orphanages . The director , social worker , psychologist and other staff I met were GREAT ! Like really , honestly , not - edited - for - blog great . I cannot say enough how well they are doing with the kids . They sat and talked with me for over an hour about the children . They even printed out an itinerary of our visits for the week ! They took notes on everything I said about myself , so they could prepare the children for when they come home . We discussed medical issues , development , etc . I learned so much great info from them , you can really tell they have a genuine interest in the children . They were so great with me and such wonderful people . I really cannot say enough about them . Then we drove a few minutes away to the group home where my children are . ( As of right now , they still weren 't told that I am " mama " . They just know they have a visitor here for them . ) When we pulled up , I looked and they were standing outside ! When I got out of the van , I was pretty nervous . Look at that face . Quiet , shy , calm little guy . I had read his medical reports and knew he had some delays . When I got this updated report , his vision / medical was worse than before , and his delays sounded more significant . I read stuff like " retinal detachment " , " bilateral nystagmus " , " language delay " . Pretty intimidating stuff . I was certainly surprised when we walked up to the house and the first words I heard were from his little voice saying " Hello ! Are you coming in ? I 'm a good boy . I have snot in my nose . " LOL ! He is hilarous ! He talks SO MUCH and is quite the chatterbox ! We laughed at him all day . He can also see more than originally thought ( he does have significant vision issues , to include a partially detached retina , but he can see . He holds everything really close to his face . ) . The staff think that some of his delays are due to his orphanage not working with him , because they thought he couldn 't see . But he can ! What a pistol . And the thing that makes him even more cute is that he is so . very . small . He 's 6 but honestly the size of a 2 or 3 year old . This next photo will give you an idea of his size . Oh , and he was too busy talking to pose for the photo ; ) He had been resting his little head on my shoulder and just as the photo was taken he started chatting away . My 6 year old toddler . Acting like he owns the place . Oh , and calm ? Uhh , not ! He was everywhere and in to everything . Mom is going to need lots of coffee . Because he doesn 't make good eye contact ( because of his vision ) , it is difficult to tell that he is paying attention / understanding what is happening . But he does - he would pipe up with funny little sayings letting us know he knew exactly what was happening . He would laugh and smile AFTER every photo . When he was playing with play - doh , he made a * gasp * and a little squeal when he discovered each new thing the toys did . The report said that he couldn 't concentrate for more than 5 minutes , but he sat there making play - doh spaghetti for atleast 30 minutes . Toni says he created commercial quantities : ) And Sofia . She is everything you would think she was by looking at her photo . Except alot older ! She has grown so much ! My first medical report showed her way below the growth curve . Well , she must have caught up because she is so tall and skinny . Definitely normal for her age now . When I came up to the gate , she waved and smiled at me . I gave her a little hug and she stood there leaning against me , fascinated by the carton of play - doh I had brought . She didn 't say much , but smiled alot . We went into the house and immediately started playing with the play - doh . She was quiet but interacted with me no problem , she seemed to understand that I don 't speak Bulgarian . She ate up all of the praise I gave her , even though it was in english . When she would create something , she would shyly show it to me , and I would say " Good job ! " Her little face lit up each time . After a few minutes of that , she made her way into my lap . She would take my Posted by |
" According to your Aunt Claire 's will , you have to stay on the farm with Charlie for one year before you get the other part of your inheritance , which is one half of the farm . After that time , you may sell your half , but Charlie has the option of first refusal , and the other way around . If you walk away before the year is over , the farm automatically becomes the sole property of Charlie . " Michael sat back placing the papers back into the folder . " I have to do what ? " yelled a very upset Megan . " She is insane , I mean she was insane . This is the twenty - first century for crying out loud . I am not about to give up my life for a year just to satisfy some whim that she had . " Megan got up and started pacing in front of the desk . " I know . I will have her declared crazy . I am not doing this , and I am definitely not sharing my farm with some stranger . If this Charlie thinks he can get away with manipulating my aunt into including him in the will , he has another think coming . " She ran her hand through her blond hair . " You won 't get anywhere with that . " Michael pushed his chair back to sit more comfortably . Claire had warned him to expect such a response . She had said her niece had an explosive personality , and that went for her temper as well . She had loved her niece very much , but did not approve of her lifestyle . The only time she ever got to see her niece at all was when she went to visit her in the city . " My dear stubborn Megan . If you are watching this , it means that you have been giving old Michael a hard time . Not that I would expect anything less from you . You know I love you , but you also know that I have been trying to get you to change . I don 't blame you for who you have become , but I do expect you to learn from your mistakes . Your parents were very different from one another , but also very much the same . Your father was very driven and set in his ways . He was always right and the rest of the world was wrong , and the more he had , the more he wanted . Your mother was always interested in money and power , and to this day I still believe that she does not have a heart . You have your father 's stubbornness , but as you grew older you also became more like her . What ever became of the little girl that used to love life and everything in it ? I 'm certain that she is still somewhere underneath that person you are pretending to be . I may not have been able to save you while I was alive , but I will attempt it one more time . I also have a bit of that stubbornness that my brother had , so you can be certain of one thing , I have taken all the precautions to make sure that there is no way you can get that farm unless you do as I want . Knowing you , money is way too important to you these days to let it slip through your fingers . " With the smile still on Claire 's face , the screen went blank . Megan watched in dismay . It was very clear now that she was not going to be able to get out of this one . Her aunt was right , if she wanted to keep the farm , she would have to go with her aunt 's wishes . It was way too much money to just give up . After selling her half she would be able to get back to her real life . She would just look at this as a vacation . She would ask Kelly to go with her . There was no way that she would allow this Charlie to get his hands on her inheritance . Kelly held her at arm 's length . " Going to ski in Switzerland is a vacation . Going to a farm in the middle of nowhere is certainly not ! " " I 'll make it up to you . " Megan wrapped her arms around Kelly again . " I 'll take you shopping for a new wardrobe . That always makes you feel better . " She kissed Kelly while her hand roamed over her back . " You … know … me … too … well , " Kelly said between kisses . " I have a better idea though . " Kelly directed Megan 's mouth to her neck while she spoke . " Why don 't you go to the farm and let me stay here to look after things . I will come and visit you frequently . " She started opening the buttons on Megan 's shirt . " Someone has to look after your affairs while you are away . " She pushed Megan 's shirt off her shoulders who in return was hastily trying to remove Kelly 's dress . " My company and affairs run themselves , and these days technology allows us to stay in contact all the time . " Megan lifted her eyes to look into Kelly 's . She saw the disappointment in her face , but chose to ignore it . She ran her fingers from Kelly 's face down to her breasts that were now only covered by a thin covering . Her eyes followed her hand , but stopped at one spot . She used her other hand to open the clip that allowed the covering to fall away . Her eyes were still focussed on one spot which undoubtedly looked like a bite mark . " No , Mandy came over and we had lunch together . " Kelly was reaching for the clip on Megan 's bra , but Megan took hold of her hands and pushed her against the wall . She slid her leg between Kelly 's legs as she held her hands captive above her head . " Well , it 's either her or the postman . " Megan laughed sarcastically . " No matter how rough we got last night , I never bit you . " Kelly tried unsuccessfully to squirm her way out of Megan 's hold . " I promised you two things when we started this . One was that I would give you anything as long as you were with me , and the other was that I don 't ever share , so if you cheated on me , you would be out . " " It 's not what you think . Mandy 's just a friend . We were just fooling around . " Kelly desperately tried to find a way out of the situation , but only made it worse . " How intimate must you get to be able to bite someone on the breast ? Don 't take me for the fool you are . Get your stuff , and get out of here . I 'm going for a drink at Oblivion , and when I get back , I expect you and all your stuff to be gone . " With this she let go of Kelly as if she burned her and turned around to walk away . " But darling , you are the one I love . This was a tiny mistake . I promise it won 't ever happen again . " She grabbed hold of Megan from behind and held on tightly . " Let 's go upstairs and talk this out in the bedroom . We are so good together . Surely our time together deserves another try . " Megan removed Kelly arms roughly . " You don 't seem to get it . The deed was done , now take what goes with it . I don 't ever want to touch or be touched by you again . " Megan grabbed her keys from the table and walked out of the apartment . " I say when it 's enough , not you . She just got herself another inheritance , and unlike her father 's money , part of it is not locked up in a trust . We can still make a lot out of her . I 'll just have to let her cool down for a while . " Megan felt like she had been driving up and down the same roads for hours . Everything looked the same . She was driving slowly , trying to read the map at the same time , when a movement to her right caught her eye . She braked , bringing the car to a stop . This was the first sign of life she had seen in three hours . From the side of the road she could see more clearly . The stranger was busy fixing a fence . " Man , what a body , " she thought to herself . Even through the jeans and shirt she could see the muscular body outlined . " This guy must work out , " her thoughts went on , " and man , is he tall . " " Excuse me , " she said as she got closer . " I 'm lost and was wondering if you could give me some directions … " She stopped in her tracks as the stranger turned around . It was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen . When she took her hat off , her long black hair fell over her shoulders . Megan felt like her heart had missed a few beats . " This year may not be so boring after all , " she thought to herself . " With someone like this around , I can have lots of fun . " Charlie ran her eyes over Megan from top to bottom and up again . The petite little blond was working on her nerves . She knew who it was , and so didn 't look forward to this day . She couldn 't believe that Claire had put her into this situation . She had known how much the farm meant to Charlie , and had used it to manipulate her . Since she had started working on the farm as the foreman fifteen years ago , she knew she had found a home . Claire was like the mother that she had never known , and the farm became a part of who she was . Claire had always talked about her niece and how much she loved her , but also about how she hated who her niece had become . She had blamed Megan 's mother for spoiling her rotten and allowing her daughter to follow in her promiscuous ways . Megan stomped her foot on the ground . This woman was so arrogant , and she felt like she was getting nowhere fast . " Just calm down , " she told herself . " Just find out where you need to go so you can leave . " " Now that wasn 't so bad was it ? I would work on the attitude that went with it if I was you though . People in these parts don 't take kindly to strangers with attitudes . " " Now now , calm down little girl . It 's about two miles straight ahead on your right hand side . You can 't miss it , and what do we say now ? " Megan forced out a " Thank you " under her breath . This woman was infuriating her to no end . The faster she got away from her the better . She almost ran to her car , and sped off with tires spinning . " Well well , " Charlie muttered to herself . " I better get back to the farmhouse . This could be a very interesting year . " She jumped onto her horse and started riding in the direction of the house . Megan was still fuming when she got to the Lentegeur turnoff . " It 's just my luck to run into the Amazon from hell , " she thought to herself . She came to a stop in front of a gate . " Brilliant , technology hasn 't reached this part of the world yet , " she shouted to no one in particular . She opened the gate , drove through and closed it again . Before getting back into her car she looked at her expensive shoes that now looked like they were made out of dust . " The first thing I am changing on this farm is installing an electronic gate . " With a determined look on her face she got in and drove off again . Her mind was still reeling with thoughts of her meeting with the stranger , and the more she thought about it the more upset she got . She was so lost in thought while she was driving , that she didn 't see the next gate until she was almost on top of it . She braked and skidded to a stop barely inches away from it . " Who in their right mind would put a gate in the middle of nowhere ! " she yelled in frustration . She got out and opened the gate in a defiant manner . She got back into her car and drove though the opening . She stopped to get out again , but decided against it . For all she cared this gate could stay open . With these thoughts she drove off again with a smile on her face . It didn 't take too long for her to come across another gate . " No way . " She slammed her hands onto the steering wheel in frustration . She got out of her car and walked towards the gate . Her attempt at opening it looked more like she was trying to rip it off the hinges . She got back into her car and sped off . This was it . Gates would be flying by the time she was done with this Charlie . She was driving so fast out of frustration that she could feel the back tyres skidding slightly from side to side as she was taking the corners . At this point she loved the feeling of controlling her car as it was on the brink of losing control on the road . Charlie reached the house just as she could see a dust ball coming towards the house . " That little girl better learn to go slower before she causes an accident . " She handed the rains of her horse to Kevin , the stable hand , when he reached her . " Keep him close by Kevin , I 'll be leaving again in a few minutes . " As Megan 's car came to a stop in front of the farmhouse , she smiled . The house and yard was absolutely stunning . She hadn 't expected to see something like this out here . As she got out of the car , she saw someone coming down the front porch . As the person came closer , her temper started flaring up again . Of all the rotten luck , it had to be the stranger from the side of the road . Well , she would show her who was boss on this farm . No employee of hers would treat her that way . " It 's payback time , " she thought . " I 'm pretty sure it is happening to you , " Charlie replied with a grin on her face . " It 's really not that bad . All you have to do is give up your wicked ways for a year . I 'm sure you 'll survive . " " I 'll show you wicked ways , " Megan thought to herself . She was pretty sure that Charlie was going to try to make life difficult for her in order to get the whole farm for free . Mentally shaking herself she pushed her shoulders back and looked Charlie in the eyes . " Hell will freeze over before I give you the satisfaction of me walking away before the year is over . She was my aunt and not yours . By rights this farm should be mine . I don 't know how you got her to leave one half to you … or wait , maybe I do . Could it possibly be because you rendered some ' services ' when occasionally required ? " " Listen here you little spoiled brat . Your aunt was the most decent person I knew . She was like a mother to me , and I will not stand around while you shoot your arrogant little mouth off about her . She loved you dearly , how could you even be saying anything like that ! " " Just show me my room , " she ended up shouting back . " I don 't have to explain myself to you . I don 't answer to anyone , and least of all you . We might have to share this place for a year , but it seems big enough for us to be able to stay out of each other 's way . " " Fine , the less I see of you the better . Through the door , up the stairs , down the hall , third door on your left . Better make sure you lock the door tonight little girl . I might not be able to control my murderous nature . " Megan looked at her with a defiant expression on her face . She grabbed her bag from the front seat , and walked into the house without looking back . Charlie just looked at the retreating form as she was shaking her head . This was going to be one hell of a year ; by the end of it , she might be insane , or in jail for murder . Once Megan reached her room , she locked the door and leaned with her back against it . Silent tears ran down her cheeks . This was a side of her no one ever saw . " I will not give into this , " she said while wiping away the tears . " I will take control of this situation and make it work for me like I have done with everything else in my life . " Katrina had been Claire 's housekeeper since she was about thirty - one . Now , at the ripe old age of fifty - eight , she had earned the right to speak her mind . Like Claire , she regarded Charlie as a daughter , but also had a lot of respect for her . At this point though , she wasn 't so sure about the respect part because she had never heard her treat another person like that before . " She is the one with the problem . " Charlie closed her eyes . " She is so infuriating . It 's her own fault I treated her like that . " " I have work to do , " Charlie mumbled as she started walking away . " I have wasted enough time as it is , so I won 't be coming back for lunch . I 'll see you tonight . " " Hello my dear . I am sure you must be Megan Callaway . There is no way I can be wrong about that . Your aunt always talked about you , and she had your photos in her study , but I must say that the photos do not do you justice . " " My name is Katrina , but you can call me Kat . I am the housekeeper , and have been for the last twenty - seven years . " With this she extended her hand . Megan looked at the older woman in amazement . For some reason the anger she felt earlier had disappeared . She smiled at Katrina and accepted her hand in a greeting . " None of that anymore . " Katrina placed her hand on Megan 's . " This day is only halfway done , so it 's time to prepare lunch . I am sure you must be hungry by now . Your aunt always used to laugh about your ability to consume so much . " Charlie was distracted by her own thoughts as she was riding back to the fence she had been working on when she met Megan . She couldn 't believe how much Megan had affected her , and for some reason her thoughts kept on going back to that rather lovely petite body of hers . She could just imagine running her fingers over that smooth skin . All the anger from before was fast disappearing as her body was heating up over something completely different . A few hours later Charlie woke up with a pounding headache and a scorching pain in her ankle . She was lying between some rocks , and tried to get up but it wasn 't easy . She could feel the wetness on the side of her head . She ripped a piece of her shirt off and tied it around her head . She then inspected her ankle and came to the conclusion that it was most probably broken . After looking around her in all directions , she saw a piece of a broken branch that she could use as a makeshift crutch , but it was about ten yards away . She tried to get onto her one leg . She was quite dizzy from the blood loss , and felt like she was going to pass out again when she tried to hop on one leg . She eventually decided to crawl to the branch . Once she had her makeshift crutch working , she started her slow movement back towards the farmhouse . Looking at the bright side , she was quite thankful that she had only made it halfway towards the fence before the accident . At her current rate she would most probably take about two to three hours to get home . She knew no one would come looking for her , as it was her habit to take a swim at the dam before she eventually went home after a day 's work . " I 'll be the judge of that Charlene Palmer , " Katrina started ranting . " Knowing you , there is definitely more to it . Megan , run back to the house and get the truck . We have to get her into town . " Charlie started laughing at that , then realised that wasn 't such a good idea . The threatening dizzy spells she had experienced on her trip to the house was back , and this time it made her knees buckle . The one leg that was supporting her was not holding up , so she sank to the ground . " If you are referring to the two gates on the dirt road between the house and the entrance gate , you don 't need to worry . I left them open . Who in their right minds would have so many gates on one farm road anyway ? I want to change the entrance gate to an electronic one . I can 't believe no one has thought of doing it yet . " You ignorant idiot , " Charlie choked out . " My prized pure blood dairy cows are going to be mixing with the bulls . They are going to produce half - breeds and they will be worthless ! " " OK Megan , Charlie can explain to you how to get to the hospital . Don 't worry about the gates on your way out , Rubin and I will sort it . " With that Katrina walked in the direction of the farm workers ' homes to get Rubin . She left a very embarrassed Megan looking at a very angry Charlie who looked like she was about to lose the lunch she never ate . " Don 't say a word , " Charlie said when Megan wanted to start apologising . " Nothing you can say can make this situation any better . Just get me to the damn hospital before I forget I am suppose to be a civilised person . " Once there , she walked into the emergency room to get someone to help Charlie out of the truck . When she knew Charlie was in capable hands , she went to the waiting room and got herself a cup of coffee . This had ended up being the worst day in her life , and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed with the hope that when she woke up this would have all been a bad dream . While sitting on the couch she closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall . Before long she was in dreamland with a very gorgeous six foot tall woman who had an amazing body which she was wrapped around . Charlie was planting light kisses along her neck down towards her breasts . Their bodies were rocking against each other as she moaned in frustration about their clothing barriers . She wanted much more . She was smiling as Charlie started tracing her shoulder with her fingers , but then for some reason she decided to start shaking her . At that Megan 's eyes shot open and she looked into the smiling face of Katrina who was trying to wake her . " Oh my , " she thought to herself , " What on earth was that about ? " " The bulls were having a merry time between the cows when we eventually found them . I don 't think any of the cows got spared . Not that I think they were complaining , but Charlie will definitely not be making the amount of profit on those cows that she was hoping for . " " No I don 't . Those cows are Charlie 's own property that she invested in . Claire left her enough money to buy you out at the end of the year , but Charlie wants to feel that she can hold her own . She saved for many years and invested in various small ideas that made her some profit . The cows were her first big investment , " Katrina was still talking when the doctor came into the waiting room . " Hi Kat , how wonderful to see you again , " he said with a huge smile on his face . " We should stop meeting under these circumstances , " he joked as he gave her a hug . " Claire has a nasty bump on her head and has lost some blood , so we will be keeping her for observation . Her right ankle was broken , so we will be putting a cast on it as soon as the swelling goes down a bit . She will have to take it easy for a while . She is sleeping now , and will most probably only wake up tomorrow morning , so you can go home to get some rest . " " Thanks Dave . I knew you would fix her up . We will be back tomorrow to check on her . I know she is in good hands as long as you are around . " " He says I 'll live , but he wants to keep me here for another two days . I 'm not sure if I will survive that . " She got a serious look on her face . " So tell me what the damage is . " Charlie 's face wasn 't giving away anything of how she felt at that moment . She silently reached for the glass of water on the bed stand and took a sip . She placed it back again before she looked at Katrina . " This is just a setback . My plans will take longer , but what 's done is done . It doesn 't help crying over it now . " " That 's my girl . " Kat leaned over and took hold of Charlie 's hand . " Use the two days to rest . Rubin will look after everything while you are here . With a man like him around , you have no need to worry . That reminds me , all the workers send their love . " Katrina laughed wholeheartedly . " We can 't actually keep her away from anything . She does own half that farm until the year is over . She really isn 't such a bad person . A bit misguided , but when you look under that hard - ass exterior of hers , I am sure there will be much more to find . Unlike you , she apparently started off as a nice girl and then became a bad - ass . " " I have no intention of looking under anything . I have enough trouble keeping my hands off that little neck of hers . " Charlie held her hands out as if strangling someone . Kat just laughed again shaking her head . It was very quiet in the little car . Katrina took a deep breath before she started speaking . " I think I need to tell you more about Charlie . It might make you understand her more . " " Charlie comes from a very rich and powerful family , just like you . She was an only child , and image was everything to her parents . She was spoiled rotten , and never knew the meaning of the word " no " . She got into trouble from a very young age , but her father 's money and influence always made it go away . " She was sixteen when she realised that she preferred women over men . Unfortunately for her , this was the one thing her parents ' image couldn 't cope with . They gave her an ultimatum which she chose to ignore . She really didn 't believe that they would disown her . " She was soon disillusioned . She found herself out on the street with nowhere to go . The moment her friends found out what had happened , they all disappeared . She had no idea what to expect on the streets and was completely vulnerable . She tried to speak to her parents , but they refused to acknowledge her existence . It wasn 't long before she was gang raped and beaten half to death . " This was how Julia found her . She was the owner of the little shop next to the alley Charlie was left in for dead . She took her to the hospital , and afterwards took her under her wing . She helped Charlie deal with all her demons , and eventually became her lover . Julia wasn 't very rich , but they had a decent life . " On Charlie 's twentieth birthday Julia wanted to spoil her , so she took her out to a rather nice restaurant . On their way back to the car , Julia got hit by a drunken driver and she died on the way to the hospital . Charlie was the only one that saw what happened . The drunken driver was her father . He made the whole thing go away as if Julia never existed . " Charlie was devastated and she started drinking . She ended up going from place to place doing odd jobs to keep the liquor flowing . Claire came across Charlie while she was half drunk in the bar ; in this small town the bar is also the best place to go for lunch . She asked Charlie what she was celebrating , to which she replied that it was her twenty - first birthday . Claire helped her celebrate , and eventually took a passed - out Charlie home with her . She insisted Charlie stay for a few days , but Charlie didn 't want to unless she could work for her stay . " The few days turned into weeks , and Claire eventually asked Charlie to stay on permanently as her foreman . Charlie didn 't know anything about farming , but she took the chance . Charlie was the biggest reason the farm became so successful , and Claire loved her like the daughter she never had . " " Sure Miss Callaway , what can I help you with ? " Rubin was nervously moving from one foot to the other . Charlie had told him that she would skin him alive if he allowed Megan anywhere near anything . " No ! " Rubin nearly jumped on the spot . " You will come with me now and we will put them up . " The fire in Megan 's eyes and her stance soon convinced Rubin who he should really be afraid of . He knew Charlie wouldn 't really hurt him , but he wasn 't so sure about Megan . " Yes Miss Callaway . I 'll just go and get some wire and a pair of pliers . " He ran to the shed and was back in five minutes . Megan wanted them to start with the entrance gate first and work their way back towards the house . When they got to the entrance gate , Megan gave Rubin the first sign . He looked at it and gave a sigh of relief . " This isn 't so bad , " he thought to himself as he walked towards the gate . He attached the medium sized sign to the gate and stepped backward . Rubin started fiddling with his pants at the request . He felt that Megan was up to something , but didn 't know what it was . " My wife Kathy and I have been working together on this farm for the last ten years . We have a son named Harry , age 8 , and a daughter named Rebecca , age 5 . " " I … I … didn 't … " Rubin was very uncomfortable , but he knew she would be able to find out anyway . " I got into some trouble as a kid , and it followed me wherever I went . It 's not easy to get back onto track when you 've spent time in jail . My wife was the only person who believed in me until we met Miss Claire . " Megan looked at him without saying a word . He almost forgot to breathe until he saw a smile form on her face . " Aunt Claire seems to have had a lot of faith , " she said as they stopped in front of the next gate . " Here 's the next sign . " She handed the sign to him with the smile still on her face . Rubin felt more relaxed until he read the message on the second sign . He turned to Megan . " Maybe we should wait for Charlie before we put this sign up ? " " No Rubin . Like I said before , these signs are going up today . " She now had a huge grin on her face . Rubin just shook his head and did as he was told . He knew Charlie wasn 't going to be impressed . Charlie noticed the sign on the entrance gate when Katrina stopped the truck to open the gate . " Does she really think that is going to fix anything ? She was the only idiot who didn 't close the gates . The rest of the world has some common sense . " She looked at Katrina who had a huge smile on her face and frowned . " There 's nothing funny about this , so why the huge smile ? " " You 'll see for yourself now … and don 't go getting upset with Rubin . He only did what Megan told him to do . If you ask me , I think he is afraid of her . " They drove to the next gate in silence . When she stopped the truck , Katrina gave Charlie a sideways glance . She wasn 't surprised to find her looking like she was ready to rip the sign right off the gate . If it weren 't for the crutches , and the problem she had getting into the truck with them , Katrina was sure Charlie would have jumped out and done just that . Katrina looked at the sign again and smiled . She actually thought it was funny . " Beware : The Amazon from hell will make you regret not closing this gate ! " Charlie read it out loud . " I 'm sure she thinks she 's hilarious , but it won 't be a funny matter when I get my hands on her . " " You 're right . I 'm getting all worked up over a silly sign . There are more important things for me to get upset about , like the fact that I can 't swim at the dam until this cast is taken off . Don 't know how I am going to survive without my afternoon ritual . " Charlie read the sign out loud , " Amazon watchdog on duty . It would be a good idea to close the gate or suffer the consequences ! " She gave Katrina a stern look . " Who do you think she is referring to ? " When they stopped in front of the house Megan was standing on the porch with a self satisfied smirk on her face . Charlie got out of the truck and made her way towards the steps . She gave Megan a deadly stare and held her eyes while she was making her way towards her . Megan had to admire the fact that Charlie came up the stairs with crutches without ever looking down . Charlie stopped next to her and Megan 's breath caught in her throat when Charlie moved her head down towards her . It almost looked like she was going to kiss her , but she moved towards Megan 's ear who felt like she was rooted to the spot . Megan decided to go for a walk to calm her emotions . " If she can do that with her breath , I wonder what else she 's capable of ? " Her thoughts kept her busy , but her stomach started complaining . She headed back towards the house feeling a bit anxious about facing Charlie again while her hormones were acting against her will . " Hi Megan , you 're just in time . We only sat down a minute ago . " Katrina smiled while she gestured ? for Megan to sit down next to her . Charlie , who was reading the newspaper she had got in town before they came home , stared at Megan in disbelief . Megan was piling food on her plate like there was no tomorrow , and the look on her face was one of pure delight when she sat down and started eating . It seemed like the whole world was lost to her except for that plate of food in front of her . Katrina leaned over and whispered to Charlie , " Then you 'd better start eating and stop staring or you 'll never get that far . " Charlie felt a blush rising up from her neck at Katrina 's words . She was thankful that Megan hadn 't heard that comment . The next morning , Megan changed into her bikini for a swim in the pool . When she walked out the door , she heard laughter coming from that direction . She came across a little boy and girl playing with a ball in the pool . She stood there for a few minutes just watching them . They looked so carefree and full of life . When she walked closer , she also saw a woman cleaning the pool loungers . The little boy squirted the woman , who jumped jumped in surprise , but laughed . The little girl scooped up some water into her water gun and aimed it at her brother . He was still laughing at the woman he had squirted , when the little girl shot him on the back of the head . The little girl squirmed in her effort to get away from him . " You 'll need to catch me first . " She got out of the pool just as he was about to grab her . She ran to the woman who had gone back to cleaning the loungers and circled her arms around her legs . " Save me Mommy . " She moved around her when she saw the little boy coming closer . He had the water gun in his hands now and was aiming for her . " That 's enough you two . I told you before that I don 't want you running around the swimming pool . If you don 't behave , there 'll be no more swimming . " Megan felt a strange attraction to the two kids , who reminded her of the years before her cousin 's death . She stepped forward to make her presence known . " Hi , my name is Megan . " The woman turned to her with a smile on her face . " Hi Miss Callaway . I 'm Kathy , Rubin 's wife , and these two are our kids Harry and Rebecca . " Megan laughed . " I sure am . You are a clever one aren 't you ? " She straightened up again facing Kathy . " I 've been here for four days and haven 't seen you guys before . Is the farm that huge ? " " The farm is huge , but we haven 't been on it for the last week . The kids and I have been to my mother 's . It 's school holidays and will be for another two weeks . " Kathy was gathering up the cleaning materials she had been using earlier . " You must excuse us Megan . I still have to catch up on a lot of work . " " Oh yes ? How are you going to manage a cup of coffee with a pair of crutches under your arms ? You might think you are superwoman , but I know better . " She sat down on the couch with her own cup of tea . " Thanks Kat , I appreciate it . " She sat back and took a sip of her coffee . " The kids sure sound like they 're having fun in the pool this morning . " " There 's nothing wrong with having a good appetite . " Katrina got up . " That reminds me , I have to go and see what there is to make for lunch . " When Katrina left the study , Charlie got up and moved to the window in the dining room that looked out over the pool . She watched as Megan and the kids were building a human pyramid in the pool . It collapsed a second after it was up . She had to smile as the kids surfaced and tackled Megan , who didn 't put up much of a fight as she got pushed under the water . She surfaced holding her hands up in defeat . It looked like it was the end of their pool party . Megan helped the kids out of the water , and then got ready to get out herself . Charlie had started turning to go back to the study when Megan emerged from the pool , which made her stop in her tracks . She couldn 't help but stare at Megan 's well toned body before it was covered by her robe . " How desperate can I get ? " she whispered to herself . " I really should get out more if that little squirt can get me all worked up more than once . " She had a determined look on her face when she made her way back to the study . " Kat , I need to do some work , but I need to be connected to the internet . Where 's a good place for that ? " Megan was coming down the stairs with her notebook and briefcase . " Thanks Kat . It shouldn 't take too long . " Megan walked into the study and placed her notebook and briefcase on the desk before moving some of Charlie 's items out of the way . " Are you planning to take over my bedroom next ? " The icy words made Megan look up in surprise . Charlie was glaring at her from the study door . The words had Charlie seething . " You are very sure of yourself aren 't you ? You know that wasn 't an invitation . I would rather invite a rattlesnake into my bed . " Charlie glared at her for what seemed like minutes before she spoke again . It looked like she was trying to control her anger . " What are you doing at my desk ? " Charlie turned and started hobbling away . She hadn 't got very far when she stopped and turned to Megan once again . " If we are both going to work in here , we had better bring in another desk . " " She is infuriating . I don 't know what to do around her . Whenever we are alone , she manages to rub me the wrong way . How am I suppose to handle her for a year ? " They were still laughing when Harry came running into the kitchen . " Aunt Kat , Dad says you must come quickly . Uncle Martin had an accident with the tractor . " Katrina ran after Harry , while Charlie followed on her crutches . Megan was looking through the study window when she saw Harry and Katrina running past it , and a few seconds later a hobbling Charlie . She got up and ran outside to follow them . When she caught up with them , they were already next to the tractor that was lying on its side with Martin trapped underneath it . " Rubin , get Kevin to bring the other tractor around and some chains so we can try and lift it off him . " Charlie was barking out instructions as she was kneeling next to Martin . She looked at Katrina who was comforting him , and then to Megan who was looking out of place . " Megan , run to the house and call Doc David . The number is next to the phone . Tell him what happened , and let him make the arrangements . " She watched as Megan turned and ran before she looked down again . Martin was trying to smile while Katrina was talking to him . They attached the chains to various points on the tractor . Charlie moved back around to Martin 's side , but knew she wouldn 't be able to pull him out , and neither would Katrina be able to do it on her own . Kevin was driving the other tractor , and Rubin had to keep an eye on the chains to make sure that they didn 't come off . At that point Megan came running back . " Doc David has arranged for the helicopter . He said it should take about ten minutes . " " Good , by then we should have him out from under the tractor . I need you to help Kat pull him out from under once the tractor is lifted , but you 've got to keep him straight . We can 't risk trying to lift it off him while there is a possibility something could go wrong and it would fall back on him again , so it will be enough for you to pull him out . " Megan nodded . Charlie moved to the side of the tractor in order to see Rubin as well . " OK Rubin . On my signal get Kevin to move forward , but very slowly . " She signaled , and the tractor started moving upward inch by inch as the other tractor moved forward . It looked like that tractor 's front wheels were about to lift off the ground . " Slowly Kevin , we don 't need another accident . " It felt like forever before the tractor was lifted enough for Katrina and Megan to pull Martin out . It was an agonisingly slow process , but they eventually moved him out far enough . It was just in time as they could hear the helicopter approaching . Kevin reversed the tractor to let the other one back down again . He could feel that his tractor didn 't have enough power to pull it up completely . The paramedics quickly took care of Martin , and had him in the helicopter in a few minutes . They told Charlie that Martin was very lucky . It looked like a broken leg and some broken ribs . After they had left , Rubin suggested that he would take Martin 's wife to the hospital and let them all know how it was going . Charlie gave Katrina a puzzled look . They both moved towards Megan and Katrina was the first to reach her . " Megan ? " She moved in front of Megan to look into glazed eyes that weren 't looking back at all . " Megan ? " She gave her a little shake with her hand on her shoulder . Megan seemed to be coming out of her dazed state . She directed her gaze at Katrina and was shaking her head from side to side then she passed out . Charlie was standing behind her at the time , and caught her before she could fall to the ground . Megan woke up feeling disoriented . It took a while before she remembered what had happened . She couldn 't believe how the accident caused all the old memories to come flooding back . She felt like it had all happened yesterday instead of when she was sixteen . Back then , she had sworn that she would never allow anything to make her feel so helpless again , but it all came back . The tears were running down her cheeks as she remembered her cousin 's face while she was pleading for help . Katrina walked into the door with a glass of hot milk with honey . She wiped away the tears quickly , and tried to face her with a smile . " Don 't think that you can fool an old woman like me , child . The look in your eyes had nothing to do with not feeling well . " Katrina pulled a chair closer to the bed . " So , are you going to tell me what happened ? " Megan looked at Katrina and gave her a sad smile . " It isn 't really something I want to talk about right now Kat . Maybe in a while I 'll feel up to it . " Katrina looked into Megan 's tear - filled eyes , and knew that this wouldn 't be the time to talk . She knew all about old wounds , and how raw they can be if opened unexpectedly . She got out of the chair and went to sit next to Megan on the bed . She pulled her into a hug and just held her while she cried . When Megan 's body stilled Katrina let her go slowly and got up . " Drink the milk , it will help you sleep . Tomorrow will be a new day and we 'll take it from there . " She ran her fingers down the side of Megan 's face before moving towards the door . " Kat . " Katrina stopped as she was about to turn the doorknob . " Thanks for getting me out of my clothes . They must have been covered in dirt . " Katrina smiled . " No need to thank me , I wasn 't here . Charlie took care of you while I drove with Rubin and Emma to the hospital . Emma was in such a state when she heard what had happened , I couldn 't let Rubin take her to the hospital on his own . " Katrina left a shocked Megan in the room . Katrina stopped in the study door when she saw Charlie sitting at her desk with her head resting in one hand . She was deep in thought and didn 't notice when Katrina walked further into the room . She was startled when Katrina sat down in the chair opposite her . " I didn 't know we had mice in the house . " " You leave my soaps alone . I 'm not holding a gun to your head asking you to watch them . Have Rubin and Emma come back yet ? " Charlie sat back in the chair and stretched . " Yes , about fifteen minutes ago . Emma is much more relaxed , now that she 's seen that he 's fine . " " It 's not the physical I 'm worried about , it 's the emotional side . I know the signs , but she doesn 't want to talk about what caused her reaction . " She yawned as she got up from the chair . " It 's time for these old bones to get some rest . Night . " Charlie wasn 't sleepy yet , and pulled the keyboard and mouse closer to continue working , but as earlier , she couldn 't concentrate on work . Being alone again brought her thoughts back to where they were before Katrina walked in , on Megan . She had tried not to take notice of Megan 's body while undressing her , but it was impossible . She could still feel Megan 's skin under her fingertips . Charlie was rudely awakened from a very pleasant dream by someone screaming for help . She jumped out of bed and forgot about her crutches as she ran to the door . " Ouch ! " she yelped in pain . " Someone better be dying ! " In the hallway she could make out that the screaming came from Megan 's room . She rushed over as fast as she could and threw the door open ready to attack , but what she saw stopped her in her tracks . Megan was now rocking herself from side to side . Charlie tried to wake her , but Megan was caught up in her dream . Still not sure what to do Charlie gathered Megan in a hug and was trying to calm her . " It 's OK Megan . It will be fine . " " It 'll be fine . Just rest a bit . Close your eyes and sleep . When you wake up , everything will be better . " Charlie was rocking Megan and gently running her hand up and down her back . Charlie laid her back down onto the pillow and pulled the covers over her . She walked back to the door , but turned around and looked back at the little blonde sleeping peacefully now . " You probably won 't even remember this in the morning , and who the hell is Christine ? " she whispered . When Charlie got to the dining room , Katrina and Megan were already sitting there having their coffee . Katrina looked up at Charlie and gave her a questioning look when she saw the dark circles underneath her eyes . " It doesn 't look like you had a good night 's sleep at all Charlie . Is something wrong ? " " Well , then you need a good hearty breakfast to get you going . I 'll go and get it for you . " Katrina got up to go to the kitchen . Megan hadn 't even acknowledged Charlie when she walked in , and was now ignoring her completely . Charlie was annoyed . " So what 's eating you this morning ? " Megan 's meal was forgotten as she lit into Charlie . " Did you get off on undressing me ? Couldn 't you at least have waited for Kat to come back to do it ? " " Ha , don 't tell me that . I remember you holding onto me and stroking my back . What does that have to do with undressing me ? " " Yes I can , but it wouldn 't help . I don 't need to defend myself to you . You need a shrink . " Megan was speechless . Charlie got up from the table as Katrina walked in . " I 'll have my breakfast in the study Kat , if you don 't mind helping me to get it there please . I didn 't get all my work done last night . " She didn 't wait for an answer as she turned and hobbled towards the study . Charlie stopped and turned around to face Megan again . " You wouldn 't know what you needed if it bit you in the butt . You will be better off in the city where you came from . " Katrina just stood there looking from the one to the other . " Maybe Charlie is right , " she thought to herself . " We have our own soap opera here . " She didn 't know how else to describe Megan and Charlie 's behaviour . Here she had been , thinking things were going to be so great from now on , especially after she had gone to check on Megan last night and found Charlie comforting her . She must have missed something along the way . Charlie got used to hearing Megan call for help every night after the accident . On the second night she tried to will herself not to listen , and just to go back to sleep , but she couldn 't . Eventually she got up and went to Megan 's room . She once again wouldn 't wake up , and Charlie just comforted her . It became a nightly routine , and Charlie found herself lying in bed waiting for that call . During the day she would look at Megan , thinking how different she was when she was awake . Charlie thought of speaking to Megan about her dreams , but also felt that she would be losing something precious if the nightly calls weren 't there . Katrina refused to let their actions get to her , so she went about her days as usual , and chatted to them as she normally did . She was going through some of her old recipe books when Megan walked in . " Hi Kat , " she greeted . " I need some advice from you . " " Yes , they 're working , but they each have their own duties . Even Charlie worked every day . Now we are two workers short because of her and Martin . " " Like I said before , they all have their own duties . I normally pay little Harry do it for me when he 's here , but the schools have started again . When Harry isn 't here , Charlie normally helps me , but now she is out of action . " Charlie looked at Megan , then back at Katrina again . " Her ? " She nodded towards Megan with her head . " In the chicken coop ? " She laughed " Not in this lifetime . " " Don 't be nasty Charlie . " Katrina could see that Megan was not happy with Charlie 's remark . The last thing she felt like now was seeing another argument between the two of them . " Megan has already said she 'd help . " Katrina sent up a silent prayer that Megan wouldn 't correct her statement . " You 're so full of yourself aren 't you ? " Megan said coldly . " I 'm not here for your entertainment , and if I say I 'll do something , I will . " Megan just hoped that her words wouldn 't come back to bite her , because she had no idea what the cleaning process would entail . Katrina moved towards Megan and took her by the arm . " Let 's go Megan . There is no time like the present . " They were walking away when Megan turned to Charlie who was hobbling afterwards . " You were not invited . Go and find something else to amuse you . " " I only have enough chickens to supply everyone on the farm with fresh eggs and chickens . You 've seen our vegetable garden , which is here for the same purpose . For me , part of the joy of living on a farm is having everything fresh . There 's nothing better . " When they reached the chicken coop , Katrina showed Megan where all the cleaning tools were . She also gave her a pair of rubber boots and gloves to put on . " Will you be ok doing this on your own ? " Katrina tried hard to keep a straight face when she saw the consternation on Megan 's . It looked like she had serious reservations now about her offer to help . Katrina walked back to the house while Megan put the rubber boots and gloves on . This was not something she was looking forward to . She started with cleaning the feeding and watering units , and refilling them . She couldn 't believe that it took her about forty minutes just to do that . She looked at the floor , and then at the hard bristle broom and the water hose Katrina had told her to use . " These people should think more productively . " She had a smile on her face as she thought of her plan . " Why would you want to sweep first , and then use the hose ? It would be simpler just to use the hose , and increase the water pressure . It will definitely clean everything . " " Blaming other people for your behaviour again ? " Katrina was standing with her hands on her hips . " We have talked about this before Charlie . This is not the person you are , and if Claire had to see you now , she would be turning in her grave . " " We are not talking about Megan , we are talking about you . You are a grown woman , not a child . Start acting like one . I 'm the cook in this house , not the psychologist . " " You know you are more than the cook in this house Kat . This is your home , and you are part of the family . Your advice means a lot to me . " Megan had got about three quarters of the way through when her feet slipped out from under her . In pure cartoon character style , she was in the air for a second before she came crashing down onto her back . She hit her head on the floor and felt like she was caught in a slow motion moment . When she realised she was lying in wet chicken manure she jumped up , but the quick movement just made her slip again , but this time forward . She was covered in chicken shit , and completely pissed off at herself . She crawled to an area where she could get up without going down again . She looked around the coop , and then down at herself . She thought about just getting out of there as quickly as she could . She could slip into the house from the back , and get cleaned up before anyone could see her , but that would mean that she would have to finish cleaning the coop first . When she was done , she made her way back to the house . She could see Katrina and one of the workers in the front garden . She thought about just going in there , but didn 't know where Charlie would be , so she went towards the back entrance . As she crept around the corner , she found Charlie lying on one of the pool loungers in her bikini . It looked like she was asleep . Megan wanted to turn around , but couldn 't . Her eyes were fixed on Charlie 's perfect body . She ran her eyes over Charlie 's body from her broad shoulders to her breasts that were moving up and down as she was breathing . Megan could feel herself heating up from inside . She ran her eyes further over the washboard stomach to the muscular thighs . The only thing that looked like it didn 't belong there was the cast . Megan was shocked out of her daze when Charlie moved . " Get a hold of yourself . " She was upset about her reaction to seeing Charlie like that . She moved quietly towards the door that opened into the dining room . Megan glared at Charlie and saw that she wasn 't laughing . She turned towards the window and saw her reflection in it . She was covered in wet manure , and her hair was stringy with more pieces of manure hanging from it . She smiled and turned to Charlie . There was something strange between them right now , and Megan just felt like going along with it . " I sure do . " She started laughing , after which Charlie joined in . " There are two ways . Either you go and take a dip in the pond with clothes and all , or you stand there while I hose you down . The choice is yours . " Megan thought about it for a few seconds . " I think the hosing is a better option . I don 't like the idea of getting into water when I can 't see what 's at the bottom . " " The hose it is then , " Charlie said as she got up and walked towards the outside tap with the hose attached to it . She liked the light atmosphere between them . She was aware though that it would have been different if she had just laughed at Megan , instead of talking to her first . Charlie hosed Megan down while she turned around under the stream of water , trying to get all the chicken manure washed off . Charlie 's breathing got heavier as she watched Megan laughing and turning around like a kid . The cool water was making her nipples stand out , and now that she was completely drenched , they were more prominent . She quickly turned the water off and turned to put the hose away . " I don 't think I 'm completely clean yet . " Megan remarked when the water stopped . She had enjoyed Charlie 's eyes on her , and knew what they had been fixed on . Megan flinched at the tone in Charlie 's voice . She could feel that the comfortable air between them was gone . She thought about saying something , but decided against it . She walked towards the lounger and picked up the towel . Without looking back she walked into the house . Charlie had an internal battle with herself . She wanted Megan so badly , but she knew she couldn 't give into the urge . Her feelings for Megan ran deeper than just a need . What was scaring her was the idea of seeing Megan walk away after the year was done . " Just keep it cool Charlie , " she told herself . " She 'll only cause you pain . All she wants is to get through this year , and then be on her merry little way back to the world that she belongs in . " " You do what you have been doing every night since it started . She will remember when her mind feels she can cope with it . The body 's defence mechanisms are wonderful things . " Charlie sighed . " No , I feel too much . I can 't allow her to have that much power over me . I will be the one suffering in the end . " " Thanks Kat . I don 't know what I would have done without you and Claire in my life . Between the two of you , you have been my saviours . " Charlie hugged Katrina and gave her a kiss on the forehead . The antagonistic relationship between Charlie and Megan changed . Charlie didn 't make any more smart remarks to Megan . Megan knew that things had changed , but didn 't like it . At least when they fought , she had a reaction from Charlie . Now she didn 't have anything . She even tried to provoke Charlie a few times , but to no avail . Nothing seemed to matter to Megan anymore . All she could think of was the look in Charlie 's eyes when she hosed her down . All she wanted was to have Charlie look at her like that again . A few times she even thought that she saw a glimpse of it , but it never remained . Even after the chicken coop experience , Megan went to Rubin in order to help with the farm work . She didn 't think that there could be anything worse than that . Rubin was happy to show her the ropes . Harry and Rebecca got in on the training process as well when they were on the farm . It was great fun for them to show Megan , who was a grownup , how to do things . Harry even taught Megan how to milk a cow , which was another one of Katrina 's ideas to keep everything fresh . At least there were only four cows for milking . Megan enjoyed learning , and spent a lot of time outside . Rubin and his kids were great teachers , and the other workers helped where possible . She got to know each of them individually , and ended up having respect for what they did . Eventually she realised that she didn 't miss her hectic life in the city . She really enjoyed getting up mornings , and didn 't even feel the weeks turning into months . She felt frustrated with Charlie , but over time the emotion changed into anger . " Well , if that is what she is going to be like , then to hell with her . " She was pacing up and down in her room while talking to herself . " We could have had a good thing going during my stay here , but it 's her loss , I 'm not running after her . " Megan was repairing an area in the fence on the north side of the farm . One of the bulls has decided to try and ram the fence in search of greener pastures . Megan was convinced the greener pastures were actually the cows on the other side of the fence that the bull felt obligated to service . She smiled at her own thoughts . It was a stunning day with no wind . The sun was high , and the sweat was running down the side of her face . She was using her shirtsleeve to brush it away when she saw the rider approaching . " About time , " she yelled at the person she thought was Rubin . " My stomach 's feeling like my mouth 's on strike . " She turned around again and continued her work . " There are qualified people on this farm who get paid to do this . " Charlie grabbed Megan 's hand as she spun her around . " You have no business trying to mend fences . " " I can do it as well as any of them , but for your information I am helping Martin out . He wanted to surprise his wife with a special anniversary gift . I gave him advice on what to get , but he needed time to go into town to get it . " She was getting angry and shoving her finger into Charlie 's face . All the built up frustration was pouring out in her words . " I don 't even know why I am defending myself . You don 't want anything to do with me , so what I do does not concern you . I make my own choices and I live with them . I do what I want , when I want , but I do consider the people around me . If anything , life on this farm has taught me that . " By now she was pushing Charlie backwards as she moved into her space . " But you wouldn 't know anything about that would you ? You have been treating me like I have the plague or something worse these past few months , and all you can do is come down here and insult me some more . " Megan was past reason . " Oh now you want to go all Amazon on me . You do not scare me . I have had enough of your attitude . There is just no pleasing you and I … " Megan 's words were cut short as Charlie roughly pulled her into her arms and kissed her . She was responding to the kiss before she even registered what was happening , but once she did she wrapped her arms around Charlie to get closer to her . This was even better than her dreams . Charlie eventually pulled away when she felt the need for air . She quickly turned around and walked to her horse without saying a word . Megan stared at her in disbelief . Once on the horse Charlie turned to Megan . Megan tried to get back to work after Charlie rode off , but she found herself staring at the tools not knowing what to do with them . The only thing she could think about was that kiss . She couldn 't believe that one kiss could make you feel invincible . She felt like she could take on the whole world , and still walk away smiling . She convinced herself that it was due to the fact that she hadn 't been intimate with anyone in months . Eventually , she found herself sitting on a rock staring at nothing , while daydreaming about possibilities that included her and Charlie anywhere they could be horizontal - or vertical for that matter . Her mind was reeling , and her body heat was rising . She didn 't even realise she 'd been ignoring her stomach , until Rubin stopped by with lunch . He had to laugh at the silly expression on her face that once again confirmed his wife 's remarks about him not understanding women . He had never seen any of the men on the farm looking like that while they were working , especially not in the hot summer sun . Charlie rode off with the smile still on her face , but it soon disappeared . She got angry with herself for losing control . " You just had to go and do it didn 't you ? " she whispered into the air . She had thought she was handling things well , up until the moment she stood in front of a ranting and raving Megan . All those evenings that she 'd been spending holding and comforting a sleeping Megan had taken their toll . She wanted to hold her while she was wide - awake and responsive to her touch . She couldn 't keep her eyes from the lips that were yelling at her . She felt a desperate urge to taste those lips , and feel that body pressed up against her with need . " I know what she 's after . I recognise the signs . I was right before , all she wants is a good time . I 've done it so many times to other women in the past few years , but I can 't allow her to use me like that . " " Don 't be silly Charlie . " Katrina couldn 't believe Charlie was being so thoughtless . " It 's only one thirty in the afternoon . The UV levels are way too high now . You of all people should know the sun has no mercy this time of day . Skin cancer is not something to mess around with . " When she walked into the house she went looking for Charlie , but couldn 't find her anywhere . She ran into Kathy and asked her if she knew where Charlie was , but she said she didn 't . She found Katrina in the kitchen preparing some freshly picked green beans . " If I hadn 't stopped her , she would have been in there at lunch time already . As if she doesn 't know this African sun by now . I don 't think she was thinking rationally at the time . " Megan smiled when she heard the words that showed their kiss definitely had an effect on Charlie as well . " It 's been a long hot day . I think I should go for a swim as well . " Megan took a green bean out of the bowl . Katrina playfully made an attempt to stop her from taking another one . " Things change . " Megan wiggled her eyebrows . " I 'm even enjoying all this freshness around me . I 'm starting to wonder how I 'll survive in the big city without you . Maybe I should buy a place with a big yard , and steal you to come and live with me . You can have chickens and whatever else you want . " She pulled the sitting Katrina into a hug from behind . Katrina laughed . " I don 't think the big city is ready for me walking down the street with a cow on a leash , nor a rooster waking them up when the sun rises . I saw a TV show once where a city man shot a rooster off the fence pole to shut it up . That is most probably what would end up happening . Maybe you should just stay here . " " I have come to enjoy it on the farm , but I 'm still a city girl and I have a separate life out there . " Megan sighed before she let go of Katrina " But let 's not wonder about what still lies a few months ahead of us . The here and now is more exciting right now , so I 'm just going to get a towel . " Katrina looked at Megan 's retreating form while thinking about Charlie 's words . She knew now that Charlie had been right with her presumptions . She liked Megan very much , but Charlie was like a daughter to her as well , and she didn 't want to see her get hurt , although she knew she couldn 't make her choices for her . She was still holding on to the hope that Megan would realise what was really important in life , because that 's the only way she could see this situation having any chance of a happy ending . Charlie was still fighting with herself over her earlier actions . " Why the hell did I grab her ? She keeps on telling me that I 'm like an Amazon , and then I go and act like one . I might just as well have hit her over the head with a wooden bat , and dragged her by the hair like a caveman . " Charlie threw her hands up in the air as she shouted the words for the skies to hear . Charlie could only stare at Megan with her mouth hanging open . She took a few steps closer to Megan until she was only knee - deep in the water . The fact that she was naked herself seemed to slip her mind . Megan walked up to where Charlie was still standing in the water , but when she got closer Charlie started retreating slowly into the deeper water . This whole thing was moving a little too slowly for Megan , who was hoping for a more fiery response from Charlie . Megan was covered in water up to her breasts now . She thought it was time to wake Charlie up . She moved forward quickly and placed her hands on both sides of Charlie 's face and pulled it down . She kissed her softly until she felt Charlie respond . The kiss grew more intense , and they were soon touching each other all over . Charlie lost her reason . All her carefully laid plans for keeping Megan at arm 's length were buried under their passion . Charlie 's strong arms encircled Megan 's waist , and she picked her up to straddle her hips . She let her hands roam over Megan 's back while holding her . Megan managed to get one hand in between them , and was cupping Charlie 's breast . She pinched her already erect nipple , which brought a deep moan from Charlie . Megan let her hand travel further down between their bodies , which drew more moans from Charlie . When Megan cupped her mound , Charlie couldn 't help but dig her nails into Megan 's back , who then slipped a finger between Charlie 's folds . Charlie 's groan into Megan 's mouth fired her up even more . Megan used her thumb to slide up and down the shaft of Charlie clit while she positioned one finger to enter her . Even in the water she could feel that Charlie was ready , and so was she . When she entered her , Charlie 's legs became weak . They tumbled into the water together and both came up gasping for air . " No ! " Charlie almost shouted . " Keep away from me . Nothing good can come from this . " Charlie rushed out of the water and quickly pulled her clothes over her wet body . Megan was speechless as she watched Charlie dress . She got the idea that Charlie was scared of having physical contact with her . " Interesting , " she whispered as she moved to get out of the water herself . Previously she had only thought of having some fun with Charlie to pass time , but now it was something else . She felt the need to conquer her . She was not used to women turning her down . She had an idea that she held a power over Charlie and planned on using it to her benefit . " I 'll get what I want , I normally do . " Charlie prayed that this would be one of the nights that Megan didn 't have her nightmare . In the beginning it had happened every night , but with time it happened less , maybe once or twice a week at the most . She hadn 't learned anything more about Christine through Megan 's dreams , because it was the same thing over and over again . Before today it had already been difficult to hold Megan in her arms to comfort her , but now , after they had been so intimate , she was scared of her own reactions . Twice now she had given in to her body 's needs , but she knew it was more than that . She had never been one to lose control , not even over her body 's sexual need . Her mind was definitely being overruled by her heart and body . Charlie didn 't get much sleep . She kept on waking up at every sound , expecting it to be Megan . The next morning at the dining room table she looked ready to fall over . " You know , getting rid of pent up frustration is an easy way of ensuring a good night 's sleep . " Megan had a self - satisfied smile on her face . " Give me a shout if you need some help with it . " Charlie was momentarily speechless . She just stared at the smiling Megan in disbelief . She felt the need to wipe that smile of her face . " Who 's Christine ? " she asked coldly . Megan went pale . It looked like she wanted to say something , but no sound was coming out . She closed her eyes and clenched her teeth . When she opened her eyes again she grabbed hold of the sides of the table and lifted slightly off her chair . " That is none of your damn business . " Charlie jumped up and threw her napkin on the table . " You make it my damn business every time you have that nightmare about her . " Charlie hadn 't thought Megan could turn any paler , but she did . " I 'm fine . " Megan tried to smile . " You two go on and enjoy your day . Maybe I 'll join you for the picnic . " Megan looked up into Katrina 's sincere eyes , and knew that this was one person that she could talk to . She tried to calm herself down . " It was so long ago , but it still feels like yesterday . I can 't believe the nightmares have started again . They used to be very bad after the accident . But maybe I should rather start at the beginning . " " Christine was my cousin on my mother 's side . My uncle and his wife lived only a few blocks away from us . We were the same age , and were best friends since forever . We were about seven years old when her mother died from cancer . Her father was a kind and gentle person , nothing like my mother at all , and he was so in love with his wife . After her death he was devastated . Christine spent more and more time at our house , and we grew even closer . We felt like sisters instead of cousins . We were practically inseparable . " Megan couldn 't help the tears that were still running down her cheeks . She wiped them away again . " We were known as the Callaway sisters . I think only the teachers knew what Christine 's actual surname was , but she didn 't mind . " Megan gave a sad laugh at the memory . " We loved life . I would come up with all the harebrained ideas , but she would rationalise them . We did anything and everything we could possibly think of in our years together . We always said we should try everything at least once . They were the best years of my life , but it also contained the worst day of my life . " Megan 's tears flowed more strongly again , and it took her a while to calm down again . " When we were sixteen , I suggested we go for a day walk on Table Mountain instead of going up and down using the cable car . I 'd heard so much about it , and was told that if we stuck to the paths that I had heard about , there wouldn 't be any need to climb . This was great , because I have a fear of heights . It would be like going up steep stairs for the first part , and then eventually it would be like an open field . When we came down , it would have been a steep zig zag path down the gorge , but still no climbing . " Megan took a deep breath and let it out again to try and control her emotions . " We went on a Saturday morning , and it was great . The back part of the mountain was beautiful . It honestly didn 't feel like we were on a mountain . We were still walking along the path when we heard cries . It wasn 't human , but it was heart wrenching . We couldn 't just walk away . We followed the cries , but it came from the side of a ledge . Christine leaned over to see what it was , and saw a plastic bag just barely hanging onto a root that was sticking out between some rocks . The sounds were clearer , and we were sure it was at least two or three puppies . It was obvious that someone had tried to dispose of them , but that the bag had got caught on the root . " " I crawled to the side on my stomach to see what the situation was , and told her that we had to do something because the way the puppies were moving around in the bag would eventually cause the bag to slip . I figured that we just had to climb down onto the ledge to be able to reach them . The ledge was pretty wide , and looked stable and easy to get to . Christine said that it was too dangerous , and that there were reasons why we should stick to the paths . I told her that we couldn 't just leave the puppies like that , and said that I would climb down myself . She knew I was determined , even though I was afraid of heights , so she told me not to be silly and that she would do it . She climbed down , but the rocks on the side weren 't stable . She fell backwards onto the ledge with a few rocks on top of her . " Megan 's bottom lip was quivering as she was trying to keep control . " I was calling out to her to speak to me , but there was nothing . I could see that her eyes were closed and that there was blood on the side of her mouth . I shouted for help , but there was no one around . I don 't even know how I got down to the ledge , but I did . My fear of heights was nothing compared to my fear of losing her . I tried my best to get the rocks off her , but the biggest one was just too heavy . I couldn 't move it . It wouldn 't even budge . " Megan couldn 't control the tears anymore , and was sobbing . Katrina just held her in her arms until she was calm again . " I wanted to go back up again to try and get some help , but I couldn 't make it up again . I was shouting for help for hours , but nothing . I felt so helpless , and it became dark and very , very cold . I heard later that they couldn 't start a rescue search for us because the mountain was covered in a white cloud , which meant zero visibility with a helicopter . They came looking for us the next morning . I was almost frozen due to the temperature dropping so rapidly up on the mountain at night , and according to them , Christine died sometime during the night from internal bleeding . It was all my fault . " Megan clung to Katrina . She wasn 't trying to stop the tears anymore . " After that , life was never the same again . I didn 't feel that I deserved to live , so I tried to take my own life . My father and mother would have none of that . They sent me from one clinic to another . It was hell . I eventually realised the only way to get out of my hell , was to become like my parents who felt nothing , but controlled everything . That is who I 've been ever since . It has worked , because I was able to live life knowing I caused the death of my best friend . " Katrina wouldn 't let go when Megan tried to move away . " No one 's life is cast in stone Megan , and I 'm sure Christine wouldn 't want you to live your life this way . It 's not the way she should be remembered . Your friendship defined who you were , and by giving up on that , you gave up on her . " Megan 's dreams became intense and frequent again . She woke up every night screaming and sweating . The dark circles under her eyes became more and more prominent . She had spoken to Katrina again , but Katrina told her that she had to deal with the issue or go and see someone for help , but Megan refused to be drawn back into her childhood hell . She would find a way to deal with it , but she wouldn 't see someone again . Some nights she found herself wishing that Charlie would be there to comfort her again , but her anger towards Charlie would quickly drive those feelings away . It didn 't stop her from having those feelings again though . Although she couldn 't remember the previous dreams , she knew something was missing , but hell would freeze over before she would approach Charlie again . She felt humiliated in more ways than one . Charlie woke up every night from Megan 's screams as well . It took a lot of self - control not to give in to her desire to go to her . She was angry at herself for her body 's betrayal , and didn 't want to risk it again . She knew she loved Megan , even after what had happened , but she still wouldn 't allow herself to be used . Days went on , and things got back into a normal routine except for the nights that still held Megan 's screams . Charlie 's cows were calving , and things weren 't looking as bad as she had thought . The new vet in town came by to introduce herself and she took an immediate liking to Charlie who in turn thought she might be a good distraction . They were sitting on the porch with Katrina when Megan came around the corner . She looked very dishevelled after spending most of the morning with Harry and Rebecca in the field on another picnic . " Megan ! " Katrina motioned for her to come join them on the porch . " Come and meet Allison and have a cup of tea with us . " Megan walked towards Allison with an extended hand . " Megan , this is Allison Montgomery , the new vet in town , and Allison , this is Megan , the other owner of the farm . " Allison gave Megan the once over and smiled , but Megan could feel the woman 's antagonism and an ice - cold chill went down her spine . She gave a fake smile and went to sit down on the chair next to Katrina . Allison took a sip of her tea and turned to Charlie . " You must let me know if there 's anything I can do to help you . I 'll be on twenty four hour call whenever you need me . " She completely ignored Megan and Katrina , and laid her hand on Charlie 's . " Maybe when you have some time , you can show me around this little town of yours . " Megan felt a twist in her stomach when she saw how Allison flirted with Charlie . She didn 't like what she saw at all . She felt suffocated and wanted to get away from them as soon as possible . Allison gave her a smile . " It was nice meeting you Megan . Maybe we can get to know each other a little better before you leave at the end of the year . " Megan immediately felt anger building up in her . " Who says I 'm leaving at the end of the year ? I haven 't finalized any of my plans , and people shouldn 't presume what they don 't know . " " Charlie looked very nice tonight . " Katrina sounded like a proud mother . " I haven 't seen her put so much effort into her looks in a long time . " Katrina had a faint smile on her face through the rest of the meal . " It 's about time , " she thought . " Those two broken souls will one day be one . Claire 's idea wasn 't so harebrained at all . " After their dinner , Allison invited Charlie to her house for coffee . Once inside , Allison made sure that Charlie knew what her real intentions were . She wrapped her arms around Charlie and pulled her closer . She pulled Charlie 's head down to her and explored her lips . The kiss grew more intense as Charlie participated , but it wasn 't very long before Charlie pulled away . " Yes they do . Mine has changed into the love I feel for her . I don 't know what tomorrow holds , and I don 't want to hope for too much , but I can 't be untrue to my heart . " Allison got upset . " If that 's the case , then run back to her . She was so jealous that anyone who didn 't know better would have thought she was your girlfriend . " Charlie drove home with her mind running through the day 's events . She still couldn 't believe that Megan had blurted out that they shouldn 't presume that she was leaving at the end of the year . She had to admit that Megan had been very antagonistic toward Allison from the start , and maybe it was because she was jealous . Charlie smiled at the thought . Maybe there was some light at the end of this tunnel after all . Megan couldn 't sleep . It was after one in the morning , and Charlie still wasn 't home yet . " Why am I letting this upset me so much ? We 're not involved . She doesn 't owe me anything . She has a right to see whoever she wants , even if it isn 't me . " Megan looked at her watch again . " They 're probably having sex right now . What the hell does she have that I don 't ? " Megan was getting all worked up again . " I have a good body , I know I 'm worth looking at , and I wasn 't asking for any commitment . What more could she ask for ? " Megan got up from her bed to get herself another drink . " A few more of these might get me a night 's sleep , and then I might stop talking to myself . " She laughed at herself as she walked down the stairs with the whisky glass in her hand . She was halfway down when she bumped into Charlie . With the feelings of anger still fresh , she smiled sarcastically . " Well Charlie , I didn 't take you for the fuck them and leave them type . Are you losing your edge ? " " Yes , " Megan responded defiantly . " I don 't even know why I was ever interested in having sex with you . " Megan was right in Charlie 's face by now . She was pushing her finger into Charlie 's chest , but her finger managed to miss the spot and land on a full breast . Even in her alcohol induced state , the feel of Charlie breast under her finger sent a tingle through Megan 's body . Charlie let out a soft moan and closed her eyes for a second . " Then maybe we need to do something to remedy that fact . " She pulled Megan towards her . " I can 't have you going around thinking I don 't know how to please . " She brought her lips down onto Megan 's who waited in anticipation . Her mind was a bit fuzzy , but she knew she wanted this more that anything else . Megan was breathless by the time Charlie pulled away . She was swaying slightly . Charlie took the glass out of her hand before she turned Megan around and pushed her back upstairs . Megan 's mind was still spinning and she just went with the flow . Megan looked and felt like death the next morning when she eventually got up . Even in her drunken state , she wasn 't able to get away from the nightmare . She was cradling her head in her hands as she was sitting at the dining room table . Harry and Rebecca chose that moment to run past their mother shouting out loud on their way to find Charlie who had promised to take them horseback riding . Megan felt ready to accept death over the pounding in her head . Hopefully the aspirins she had taken would eventually work . " Charlie promised me that I could ride with her on Mobius . Maybe she could teach you like that as well . " Rebecca 's innocent remark made Megan groan inwardly . " Come on kids , let 's leave her to sleep some more . At least you guys aren 't scared of horses . " Charlie took Rebecca by her hand as she moved towards the door . Megan 's face turned red at the statement , and she was boiling inside . She really wanted to swear at Charlie , but had enough self - control not to do it in front of the children . " I 'll meet you guys at the stable in ten minutes . " Charlie looked over her shoulder at Megan with a huge grin on her face . " Take your time , we 're in no rush . It 's Sunday after all . " By the time Megan got to the stable , Harry was already on a horse named Matilda . Charlie was leading the horse to get Harry comfortable in the seat , not that he looked uncomfortable at all . He looked like he was born in the seat . When they saw Megan approaching they stopped . " I have a horse all saddled up for you . " Charlie walked towards one of the open stall doors and led out a horse that looked very calm . " You shouldn 't have any problems with her . " " Granny 's great to learn to ride on Megan . She doesn 't do anything but walk . " Harry smiled proudly . " That 's how I started . " Charlie could see the fire burning in Megan 's eyes , and decided to test it a bit more . " You could always learn to ride with me on Mobius . I 'll even let you sit in front . " Megan wished she could wipe that smirk off Charlie 's face . " I 'm up to anything that you can suggest . " Internally she just wanted to get off the horse , because she had stopped feeling her behind thirty minutes ago . Charlie arranged for Thunder to be saddled . When Megan saw the horse her eyes widened . " You call that a little bit faster ? The horse doesn 't look like it knows how to stand still ! " " Thunder 's a gentle horse once you 're on him . He just needs to get used to you , so come closer . " Charlie could see Megan swallow a lump in her throat . " If you 're scared , just say so . " " This might help . " Charlie handed Megan an apple . " He loves these . Mobius is a sugar freak , but Thunder prefers the healthy things in life . " The lesson went well . Being on a horse that actually had some spirit made a difference for her . Before long they were trotting at a steady pace . Megan was enjoying it so much that she even forgot about not being able to feel her behind . After twenty minutes they both got back to the horses , except that Thunder was nowhere to be found . " Something must have scared him . I 'm sure he 'll be at the stable when we get back . " " Well , you have two choices . You can either walk or ride with me . I wouldn 't suggest the walking part , the sun is way too hot . " Charlie reached Megan and stopped her with a hand on her shoulder . Megan turned around as she sighed . " You also need to make up your mind if you want me or not . I 'm tired of these games . " " Great , just great . At least now I know where I stand . " Megan was seething . She spun around and started walking again . " What other way could you be wanting me if it 's not sexually ? Why do you feel the need to play with words ? Just tell me you 're not interested , and at least have the decency to act like you don 't want me as well ! " " That 's it . I 've had enough . " Charlie rushed after Megan again , but this time she came to a stop in front of her which made Megan bump into her . She grabbed Megan by the waist and pulled her over her shoulder and walked back towards Mobius . Megan tried with all her might to get off , but she couldn 't budge . By the time they reached the horse she had given up fighting . " This day just keeps on getting better and better . Are you getting in touch with your Amazon roots again ? " Megan glared at Charlie when she lifted her onto the horse . " You 're the only person that pushes me to extremes like this . I 'm sure that deep down in that little mind of yours , you 're enjoying every minute of this . " Charlie silently cursed herself for even thinking that her plan would have a good outcome , but chasing Thunder away in order to force Megan to ride with her had backfired . She mounted Mobius to sit behind Megan who looked like she had a broom up her behind . " You better hold on . " Megan tried to have as little contact with Charlie as possible on the ride home , but when Charlie brought Mobius to a sprint she was leaning back and clinging onto Charlie 's thighs . Charlie automatically brought her arms down tighter to create a more secure circle for Megan . Even in their angered state , both of them were very aware of each other and every part that was touching . Once they reached the house , Megan almost jumped off . She was inside the house and on her way to her room before Katrina , who was sitting on the porch , could even say a word . Katrina turned her attention to Charlie who dismounted slowly . " Should I even ask what happened this time ? " " Well , I 'm rusty to say the least . I think I need to go and read a manual on how to be romantic , and she needs to take a Valium or two . She 's strung tighter than a bow ; it 's a wonder I still have a head on my shoulders . Megan was like a bear with a sore foot for the next few days . She kept herself busy night and day between the farm work and running her company , not that she needed to do much on either side , but she found things to do . She once again tried to stay away from Charlie as far as possible , but she just couldn 't prevent herself from feeling anger and yearning at the same time . She eventually felt the need to speak to someone , so she went looking for Katrina who she found in her vegetable garden . Katrina stopped what she was doing and got up . " I was wondering when you were planning on opening up . Why don 't you grab that shovel over there and come and help me ? Kevin wasn 't too impressed this morning when I chased him out of my garden . He seems to think I 'm too old to be bending over . " Katrina laughed again shaking her head . " You would swear that I would break the way he went on , but I made it very clear that I 've been attending to my vegetable garden while he was still sitting in the school benches . He seems to think that it supports his argument instead of mine . " Katrina removed the glove from one hand to push a strand of hair behind her ear . " There 's an extra pair of gloves next to the gate . " Megan took the pair of working gloves and picked up the shovel as she walked towards Katrina . " My mother would never have been caught dead near a garden , never mind a vegetable garden . You 're an amazing person Kat . " " Thanks , but I prefer to think that I 'm just normal . You can start on that side . I need a trench all the way to the bottom of that row . " Katrina showed Megan where the trench needed to be before returning to what she was busy with . " I take it this conversation is going to be about Charlie ? " Megan looked up quickly , but only saw concern in Katrina 's eyes . " I 'm starting to think you know me better after only a few months than my mother who knew me for years . " Megan sighed . " I just don 't understand what I 'm going through . I thought it was lust , and then I thought it was my bruised ego , and now I just don 't know . I want her so much , but she also manages to make me so angry . I 've never been so out of control when it comes to my emotions . I 've always been in control . I started relationships when I felt like it , and I ended them when I felt it was over . I must admit though that my relationships were more about a physical need than anything else . I also have to admit to myself that I 'm jealous for the first time in my life . This is so unlike me . I 'm feeling helpless , and I swore that I 'd never feel that again . It 's not the same thing as all those years ago , but the helpless feeling is the same . " The more Megan talked the deeper she was pushing the shovel into the ground . Katrina saw this , but knew that it was a good thing . Working out the anger she felt was better than her lashing out at everyone the way she had been doing the last few days . " Do you think it 's love ? " " That 's where you 're wrong Megan . You can 't decide to feel or not feel love . You just feel it . Love is a beautiful thing . " " Yes . It wasn 't just the feeling of helplessness that upset me so much . She was like a sister and best friend rolled into one . She gave me the love that nobody else did , and what did I do ? " " Megan , we spoke about this before . You need to work through your feeling of guilt . I know that your dreams haven 't stopped , and also that they won 't stop until you deal with this . Love is a beautiful thing , and there are many levels of it . I 'm sure that even after Christine 's death you have loved people in various ways . There is your aunt for instance . She loved you very much and wanted to help you . I 'm sure you loved her in a way . Then there are all the people on this farm . You 've been here for a few months already . I 'm sure if you really think about it , you would realise what you feel for these people . You can 't tell me that those two kids haven 't climbed into your heart with their dirty little feet and all . " Katrina had a smile on her face thinking about Harry and Rebecca running though her kitchen with their dirty feet leaving marks all over the floor . " I 've seen you with them . Those were not the actions of a person that 's indifferent to them . You just can 't see it because you don 't think you deserve to feel or receive love . " " I 'm saying it 's a possibility . All the signs are there , and once again you can 't dictate love . It has a way of biting you in the butt when you try . " " You should never underestimate love . The strongest of people has fallen because of it , but it has also lifted the weaker ones to victory . Love can make you weak or strong , it just depends on what you do with it . Do yourself a favour and just accept it as a possibility , and see where it takes you . " " You can only blame your behaviour on others for so long . What you make of the circumstances is what moulds you . Everyone is different and all will react differently . You can be a victim for the rest of your life , or you can chose not to be . You can also choose to use other people or be supportive of them , but once you become the supportive and uplifting one , it takes you even higher . Also remember it 's never too late to change . " Megan took her gloves off as she walked towards Katrina with tears starting to run down her face . " You are an extraordinary person Kat , never mind what you think about being ordinary . " When she reached her Megan wrapped her arms around Katrina and just held on to her as the tears fell . As the days went by Megan became calmer . She was only now learning to understand her own heart , and it was a scary feeling for her . Everyone could see the change and welcomed it , although they did wonder about it , especially Charlie . Megan seemed to be trying to spend more time in her company , but Charlie was wary . She knew what she felt for Megan was love , but decided not to force anything . She was very glad that the dreams became less frequent again . " Now the only question is what am I going to get her ? " Charlie said out loud . She pulled the paperwork towards her again and continued her work . By the time she had finished she knew exactly what she wanted to give to Megan . She switched off the light and walked up the stairs with a smile on her face . Saturday morning Megan awoke feeling a bit disappointed . It was her birthday and no one knew about it . The previous years she had normally organised a birthday party for her friends to attend at her expense . She got dressed and walked down to the dining room , but didn 't find anybody there . She went into the kitchen looking for Katrina , but she wasn 't there either . She was still looking around when she heard a commotion just outside the front door . She walked out onto the porch to find Katrina and all the farm workers standing on the porch and Charlie walking towards them leading a beautiful black horse . " What 's all the commotion about ? " Megan asked from the door . Everyone fell silent when they realised Megan stood there . Nobody said a word until Charlie stopped in front of the porch with the horse . " I only got a doll on my birthday , " Rebecca whispered to her brother , but it was loud enough for everyone to hear , including Megan . It was dead silent for a second before Katrina burst out laughing and everybody else did the same . Megan stood there flabbergasted . Megan walked down the porch steps towards Charlie and the horse without saying a word . When she got to them Charlie handed her some sugar cubes . " Sorry , this one 's got a sweet tooth like mine . " Everyone laughed again . " With this child around , no secret is safe . It 's a good thing she only found out this morning , " Kathy apologised . " Yes we do , and we 've invited everyone you know from around here . By the way , around here you better talk about a braai and not a barbeque . People will think you 're foreigner . " Charlie bent down and whispered in Megan 's ear . " Don 't worry Megan , Allison wasn 't invited . " She pulled back and Megan could see the amused gleam in her eyes . Charlie looked deep into Megan 's green eyes for what felt like an eternity . Megan swallowed deep unable to tear her eyes away . Charlie placed her hand at the small of Megan 's back before she whispered again , " No , I have everything I could ever want right here . " She left her hand there for a few more seconds before she pulled her hand away and took the reins from Megan 's unmoving fingers . " What do you say you and I go for a ride ? " Megan was still in a state of shock at Charlie 's words and didn 't respond . Charlie took it as a no . " Fine , I 'll take Melody back to the stable then . " Charlie and Megan were stealing glances at each other when they thought the other one wasn 't looking . They 'd been riding around for about half an hour already , and the atmosphere between them was tense , but for completely different reasons than ever before . They eventually came to the same spot next to the river where they had stopped before . Megan suggested they get off and give the horses a chance to drink some water . She had a sly smile on her face when she turned away from Charlie . " We could even ride a bit more . We don 't have to head home straight away . I 'm sure there is still plenty to see on this farm that I 've never been able to reach with the truck , " Megan said , still the picture of innocence . " Uhm … I guess I can take you to see the little cabin halfway up the hill on the south side . " Charlie didn 't know why she had even mentioned the cabin . It was her sanctuary , and apart from Katrina and Claire , no one else had ever been there . " Yes , it 's got an amazing view of the farm . " Charlie got her verbal ability back completely . She didn 't want to hope for too much , so she was planning on playing it cool and just acting like nothing was wrong . " Come on then . Let me help you onto Mobius . " Megan shook her head from side to side . " I prefer to sit behind you if you don 't mind . I 'll feel a lot more secure there , and I think I will enjoy the ride much more . " Charlie felt a tingling feeling running down her spine at the way Megan let the word ' ride ' run off her tongue . She shook her head slightly . " Your mind is playing games with you again . Don 't presume or hope for anything , " Charlie scolded herself . Charlie mounted Mobius before extending her hand to help Megan up effortlessly to sit behind her . She stiffened slightly when Megan 's hands came to rest on her hips . All she could do was pray for strength . As they were riding , Megan 's hands began to travel , but she did it very slowly and lightly . She moved her hands slightly to the front and left them there for a while , but eventually started moving them up until they were brushing Charlie 's breasts . She could feel the effect she was having on her as she felt Charlie shiver slightly underneath her hands . She became bolder and cupped her breasts lightly while pushing herself against Charlie 's back , who froze for a second before relaxing into the embrace . Charlie could feel Megan 's hard nipples pressing into her back , and she didn 't care anymore . She had been trying to control herself for so long , but she just couldn 't anymore . " Let her use me , I don 't care . At least I will have something to hold onto when she 's gone . " Charlie gave up on her internal battle . Megan felt Charlie 's surrender as she pressed back into Megan 's embrace . This was all the encouragement she needed . She cupped Charlie 's breasts more firmly and let her fingers play with the nipples through her shirt and bra . They were hard in no time , and she moaned as she felt herself straining against her clothes . She could feel a pulse start deep within her . She was very thankful that Mobius was lazily walking along on the way to the cabin , for there was no way that she could stay in control and steer him . Megan felt slightly frustrated at being short , but it didn 't last very long . She pulled Charlie further back into her embrace and kissed her on the back of her neck . Charlie moaned as Megan worked her way up towards her ear to kiss and play with her earlobe before she sucked it into her mouth and slightly bit on it . That sent another shiver down Charlie 's body , but it did the same for Megan . She smiled before she made her way to the other ear . She let her hands move down , and just as she was about to suck the other earlobe into her mouth she cupped Charlie 's mound , who took in a deep , loud breath at the simultaneous pleasure . Megan rubbed her hand up and down with her middle finger applying more pressure than the others . As she continued her assault on Charlie 's neck and mound , Megan used her other hand to undo the buttons on Charlie 's jeans . Once open , she slid her hand in to find a very wet and warm welcome . Charlie was beside herself . She had never felt anything like it . Her hands were limply holding onto the reins with no purpose at all . The only thing she was capable of was moaning at every new sensation , and there were so many of them . While Megan 's lips were moving from one side of her neck to the other , her right hand was teasing her nipples in turn and her left hand was buried in her heat . With this , there was also the movement of the horse that was making her rub against the saddle . She never stopped moaning . Megan let her fingers push deeper into Charlie . She spread the wetness over Charlie 's clit , and then pulled it slightly . Charlie bucked forward , but Megan held her back . She stroked and pulled , working Charlie into a frenzy . She kept her movements synchronised with those of the horse . This caused her hand to be pressed harder into Charlie 's mound whenever they moved forward . It didn 't take very long before Charlie stiffened in the saddle . Megan kept her hand buried in Charlie 's heat feeling the ripples running through her . Charlie slumped backwards , letting the back of her head rest on Megan 's shoulder . " What are you doing to me ? " she asked in a hoarse voice . " We still have three more months in which you can convince me some more . " Charlie sighed . " I know I said before that I couldn 't allow you to use me until you leave , but I was wrong . I 'm willing to be used . " Megan laughed . " I said I want to stay with you . I don 't want to leave the farm . I want to see where this will go , and I want you to kiss me . " Charlie looked around to see exactly where they were . " Can you hold that thought for two minutes and hold on tight to me ? As much as I enjoyed our little ride , I need to get somewhere more comfortable . " About two minutes later they stopped in front of the cabin . " Welcome to my sanctuary . It is small , but comfortable . Claire encouraged me to build it when I started working here . She knew I needed a place to escape to , away from everyone and everything . I don 't use it that much anymore , but right now I am very pleased that it 's here . " " That 's for me to know and for you to find out . " Charlie pulled Megan into her arms . " But first things first . " She brought her mouth down to Megan 's in a scorching kiss that left them both ready to strip from the heat . Charlie grabbed Megan 's hand and pulled her into the cabin where she pinned her to the door after closing it . " You 're so beautiful , " she whispered into Megan 's ear as she kissed her down her neck . She pulled Megan up into her arms and guided her legs around her hips , but Megan didn 't need much encouragement . Charlie grinding her body into hers , and kissing her senseless , was something she was longing for . Between kissing her , Charlie removed Megan 's shirt and bra . She held onto her and turned towards the bed and moved slowly towards it . She never stopped kissing Megan . When she felt the side of the bed against her knees , she pulled her leg up to bring her knee down on the bed before she lowered them both onto it . Once on the bed , Charlie kissed her way down Megan 's body while bringing her nipples to a stand with her hands . When she reached the top of Megan 's jeans , she used both hands to unbutton them while quickly moving up for another heart - stopping kiss . She moved back down again , pulling Megan 's jeans and underwear down in one movement . Megan grabbed hold of the bedcover with both hands when Charlie breathed upon her . She spread her legs slightly more to give Charlie better access , and when Charlie drove her tongue into her wetness she bucked upward , balling her hands into fists around the bed linen . Charlie used only her tongue . She licked Megan like an ice cream cone , and then stiffened her tongue to put pressure onto her clit . She ran it down the side of the shaft , and then into the folds to end up pushing it into her . She kept on bringing Megan close to the edge this way , and then pulling away to blow hot air onto her already heated centre . Charlie just smiled and hummed as she licked Megan again . The sensation sent Megan over the edge . Charlie rode the storm with her , and when they calmed down she kissed her way up again and enfolded Megan in her arms . " I would love to show you what else it can do , but we need to get back . Your party is about to start in an hour . I 'm sure Kat is already wondering where we are . " " That 's a date then . " Charlie gave Megan another kiss that left her breathless . " But until that time , we will be dancing the night away , so we need to get going . " When they got home Katrina welcomed them with a big smile on her face . From the way they were sitting on Mobius when they arrived at the house , she could see that Megan 's plan had worked . " You got what you wanted Claire , " she whispered into the wind . The spitbraai was a major success . Megan enjoyed it so much she made Charlie promise that they would do it again soon . By the time everyone had eaten the sun was setting , so all the lights were switched on and the music started playing . Couples were heading towards the dance floor and Megan grabbed Charlie 's hand . " Well Miss Callaway , I believe you 're right . " They made their way to the floor where they encircled each other 's waists . Megan had already organised with the DJ to play as many slow songs as possible . The other people didn 't seem to mind either . Charlie and Megan 's bodies moved together as if one . They only had eyes for each other , and their hands moved over each other as much as possible without giving the people around them too much to see ; there were children there as well after all . " Megan , darling . I 've missed you so much . My bed has been so empty without you , that I decided to take you up on your invitation and join you here in this godforsaken place until the year is over . " She rushed over to the shocked Megan and pulled her into a kiss . When Megan finally got over the initial shock of seeing Kelly standing there next to Katrina , she was furious . She forced Kelly 's arms away from her . " Don 't you ever touch me again . " Megan threw her hands up in the air . " What must I say to make you believe me ? Stop being so stubborn and think . Was I kissing her , or was she kissing me ? " Charlie looked at her and answered sarcastically , " Let me think . I didn 't see you fend her off . Mmmmmm , what on earth should I have thought ? " For the second time that night Megan found it impossible to move . Her mind was racing to find something else to say to Charlie as she was walking out , but she couldn 't think fast enough . She slipped into the chair behind her as she found her legs unable to hold her anymore . After sitting in silence for more than an hour , she eventually got up and moved to the liquor cabinet where she poured herself some whisky . She swallowed it in one go , just to pour another and do the same . After the fourth one she took the bottle in one hand and the glass in the other as she made her way to her room . She stopped at least twice to pour more whisky into the glass and swallow it before she made it to her room . Once inside , she placed the bottle and glass on the nightstand beside her bed before stripping and getting into bed with only her underwear on . She took hold of the bottle and glass once again and kept on drinking as she stared into the darkness . Katrina offered Kelly a room for the night because she didn 't know what else to do . She was hoping that the whole mess would be sorted in the morning . After Charlie and Megan rushed off , Katrina played host to the rest of the people until they eventually left . She was very worried , but knew that it wasn 't the right time to approach either of them . At three in the morning , when the house was silent , Kelly got up and made her way to Megan 's room . She had conned Harry earlier into telling her which room Megan slept in . She had a wicked smile on her face as she found the door unlocked . " Life just keeps on going my way , " she thought as she moved into the room . She found Megan asleep against the headboard with an empty whisky bottle in one hand and a glass in the other . She gently removed the items from her hands , but soon realised that Megan was completely out of it . She lifted the covers and helped Megan out of her bra before she undressed herself completely and got into the bed next to her . She wrapped her arms around Megan and waited for the long day to take its toll . " Don 't you tell me to calm down . Everyone else could see that she was as shocked as you were when Kelly showed up . Everyone else could see that Kelly was pinning her down in front of you without her permission . You seem to be the only one who was oblivious to it . Don 't let your pride and stubbornness ruin your chance at happiness . You both deserve it ! " " Don 't you ' But Kat ' me . Today you keep quiet and listen . She loves you . She might not have known it , but I 'm telling you she loves you and I know you love her . You can 't fool this old woman , I 've been on this earth a lot longer than the two of you . " " Yes . " Charlie gave a frustrated sigh . " You 're right . I 'm so stupid . I need to make this up to her before it 's too late . " Charlie knocked softly on Megan 's door while balancing the breakfast tray in her left hand . She didn 't hear any response , so she opened the door and walked quietly into the room and turned to close it again . She turned towards Megan 's bed and was frozen on the spot . The breakfast tray fell out of her hands and landed with a bang on the wooden floor and the sound of breaking glass tore through the room . Megan looked at Charlie 's shocked form standing in front of the bed and closed her eyes again . She opened one eye and looked down at her half naked form , and then to the body that was sitting next to her . " What the fuck … " she started , but grabbed her head again as the sound of her own voice made her wince in pain . " I came to apologise for not believing you last night , but I see no apology is needed ; I was right . " Charlie had a defeated look on her face as she spun around and left the room . " I need to get away from here , " she muttered under her breath . " You really are one of the most stupid or the most thick hided people I 've ever known . I don 't want you in my life ; sex will not solve our problem . What part of this do you not understand ? And get your ass out of my bed . It wasn 't invited ! I 've always been able to destroy my own happiness , I really don 't need any help from you . " Megan got out of bed and walked towards her cupboard to get changed . " When I turn my back , you better be gone , because bodily harm is nothing compared to what I 'm thinking of inflicting on you . " Katrina saw Charlie walk past her with an overnight bag over her shoulder . " Where are you going ? " She almost had to run to keep up with Charlie . " Your idea didn 't work . I couldn 't have been a bigger fool if I tried . " She stopped in her tracks and Katrina almost bumped into her . " I found them in bed together . " " No chance of that , and I already did the stupid part . Now I just need to get away , but I can 't go to the cabin . " Charlie had a wry smile on her face . " I took her there . Every time I walk in there , I 'll be reminded of her . I need to find another place to get away to . " By now they were outside and Charlie unlocked the truck . She threw her bag into the back and got into the driver 's side . " I 'll be back once she 's gone . " With that she started the truck and drove off . Katrina walked slowly back into the house . She couldn 't believe that she could be so wrong about a person . Megan almost crashed into her as she came running down the stairs holding onto her head with one hand . " Where 's she going ? " " I didn 't do anything but drink myself into a stupor after Charlie refused to believe me . " Megan was close to tears . " Kelly snuck into my bed last night after I passed out . I only woke up when Charlie dropped the tray this morning . I swear nothing happened . " " She wouldn 't tell me where she was going , but she 'll phone me once she gets there . Don 't worry , we 'll find a way to fix this . Let me get you something for that hangover in the meantime . To fight a battle like this , you 'll need all your strength and need to look your best . " Katrina smiled as she pushed Megan away from her and wiped the tears away with her hand . They walked into the kitchen where Katrina prepared a drink for her . " I used to be young and wild you know , so I lived on this stuff . All these new wonder drugs today don 't mean a thing next to this . " " Love is not about a spoken word Megan . When spoken it 's only because people feel that they need to hear it to be convinced and feel secure . It 's the deed that should be the most important part . If you tell someone you love them a thousand times over , but never show it in your deeds , they only need to see you in the arms of another once to make all those words meaningless . You haven 't really had time to show your feelings yet . Unfortunately Charlie got misled into thinking what she saw was true , but even if you had told her you loved her yesterday , or if she had done the same , the deed would most probably have had the same consequences . " Katrina smiled again . " My point being , Kelly 's timing stinks . " Megan couldn 't help but laugh at Katrina 's words . She was about to comment when Kevin ran into the kitchen . " Kat , who drove the truck ? " he asked gasping for air . " Let 's not think of the worst right now . " Katrina tried to keep her voice calm , but she didn 't feel that way . " Megan , take Kevin with you and get there as quickly as you can . Phone me to let me know what 's happened . There is only room for two people in your car , and Kevin is stronger than me . " Megan and Kevin got into her car and sped off on the dirt road . Kevin was holding onto anything he could find . " Megan , " he started nervously , " We 're not going to be of any help to her if you kill us on the way there . " Megan clenched the steering wheel as she slowed down a bit . " You 're right , I 'm sorry . I just can 't handle the thought of her being hurt because of me . " " I hope you 're right , " Megan whimpered . When they got to the truck , she braked and almost skidded right into it . They jumped out of the car to find an unconscious Charlie slumped over the steering wheel . " Charlie ! " Megan shouted as she tried to get to her from the other side . She realised that the truck had slammed sideways into the trees . She moved around to the passenger side while taking out her phone . She tossed it to Kevin . " Call Kat and tell her to get the helicopter here . " She got into the truck and tried to examine Charlie as best she could without moving her . She established that she was breathing , but her stomach turned when she saw the piece of glass embedded in the side of her head . " She has a piece of glass in the side of her head and it 's bleeding badly . Tell them to hurry up . " She tore a piece of her shirt and tried to keep some pressure around the wound . " I 'm sorry Charlie . I know this must hurt , but I can 't remove the glass . It will just bleed more . " She brushed away some of the hair that had fallen into Charlie 's face , and couldn 't keep the lump in her throat back anymore when she saw the tear - stained face . " This was all my fault again . Please don 't die . I can 't go through life knowing that you 're not in it . " " Kat says the helicopter is on the way . She got hold of Rubin , and they are on their way now as well . Is their something you want me to do ? " Kevin felt like crying himself when he saw Megan 's face and the emotions on it . " No , I don 't think we should move her . She might have damaged her neck or spine . Keep an eye out for the helicopter . I 'm just trying to keep the wound from bleeding too much . " Katrina and Rubin got there before the helicopter did . When they saw the scene in front of them , they knew there wasn 't much that they could do except to wait . Katrina stood at the truck next to the passenger side . " Don 't worry Megan , Charlie is a strong one . She won 't give up a fight easily . " " She gave up on me , " Megan said softly . " And why not ? Look at what I 've done to her . All I do is bring pain to those I love . " A new flood of tears ran down her face . They heard the sound of the helicopter approaching . When it landed , the medics took over and got Charlie in the air within minutes . Katrina arranged with Rubin and Kevin to stay on the farm while she and Megan drove to the hospital . She would phone them the moment they knew what the situation was . When Megan wanted to get into the driver 's seat , Katrina took the keys from her hands . " Although I think you handled the situation well , I don 't think you 're in any condition to drive right now . " Megan didn 't put up any fight . By the time they made it to the hospital , Charlie was already in surgery . They once again found themselves in the waiting room . After two hours Doctor Dave came out to speak to them . " That Charlie is one lucky lady . The glass didn 't go in very deep , and I think it caused minimal damage , but we can only really be certain once she wakes up because that was a hard knock that she took to the side of her head . " " Unfortunately , not until she comes out of the post operation unit . Once she gets moved into intensive care , you can see her one at a time , but only for five minutes . It might look promising , but we can 't take any chances . " " Megan , stop treating me like a stranger . All I 'm getting from you are short remarks . Talk to me , tell me what is going through that head of yours . " " Because it 's the truth . I have done nothing but bring her pain , both physical and emotional . This is the second time she 's in hospital because of me . She could have been dead right now , and don 't tell me that it wasn 't my fault . If it wasn 't for me , she wouldn 't have driven off this morning . " " Megan , you can 't argue like that . What happened is over and done with . There is nothing you can do now to change it . The only thing that you can do is look at the future and work on it . You can 't do that if you leave now . " Katrina stared at Megan not knowing what else to say . The conversation was going around in circles and getting to the same wrong conclusion every time . " Well Charlie , you better wake up soon , because you 'll be the only one to talk some sense into her , " she thought as she got up to get herself some coffee . Charlie eventually got moved into a normal room when she was out of immediate danger , but she hadn 't woken up yet . Megan had refused to go home with Katrina after seeing Charlie . Katrina agreed to bring her some clothes after Megan promised to book herself into the local hotel to get some sleep , because she didn 't want to be too far away from the hospital . She stayed next to Charlie 's bed holding her hand instead of leaving . " Please wake up , " she whispered with tears forming in her eyes . " Show me that you 're fine . " She brushed her fingers along Charlie 's cheeks where she remembered the tear tracks were . " No more tears I promise . " She took Charlie 's hand in hers again and placed a light kiss on it before she rested her head on it . This is how the nurses found her the next morning . They pushed her out of the door to do their normal checks on the patient , after which she insisted on being let back in . This is where Katrina found her . " Megan , I must be honest . You 're not thinking straight . All your arguments are half hearted ones . " Katrina placed the bag with Megan 's clothes in front of her and the one for Charlie next to the bed . " I disagree , but it 's obvious that nothing I 'm going to say will make you change your mind . Why don 't you go and book yourself into the hotel and get cleaned up . You can come right back after you 're done and I 'll stay here in the meantime . " " Well Charlie , " Katrina turned towards the bed , " This is one fine mess you got yourself into , and you better get out of it fast . I don 't know what to do . " She gave a frustrated sigh . This routine continued for five days before Charlie eventually woke up . It was four in the morning when Charlie eventually won her fight against the darkness . She felt like she was in a dream that she couldn 't wake up from , and no matter how hard she tried , she couldn 't make a sound . She could hear a voice continuously calling her , but the hands of darkness kept on pulling her back in . She knew she needed to get to where the voice was , because it promised her no more tears and she was desperately trying to get that . When she opened her eyes she needed to close them again . There was a faint light next to her , but it was too strong . She slowly opened one eye , and then the other again . She tried to focus on anything and found a figure next to her bed . She tried to move her hand towards it , but found she couldn 't , because the figure was on top of it . She closed her eyes again and re - opened them , which helped her to focus . She could now see that the figure was a woman sleeping with her head on Charlie 's hand . Charlie tried again to pull her hand out , which made the woman stir and wake up . Before long Charlie was looking into Megan 's green eyes with confusion in her own . Shortly afterwards a nurse came in to check on her . While she was doing her checks Charlie kept on checking to see if she could see Megan , but she never came into the room again . Two hours later Charlie asked the nurse to please ask her to come back in , but the nurse informed her that she was gone . Charlie wasn 't very impressed . " Did she go to the toilet or something ? " " Charlie , I 'm so glad you finally woke up . You had us a bit worried for a while , but I knew you would come out of it . " She placed a kiss on Charlie 's forehead . " You always come out on top eventually . " " Don 't lie to me Kat . You 're most probably the world 's worst liar . Please just tell me the truth . " Charlie looked at her pleadingly . Charlie gave a sad chuckle . " Out with it Kat . You should really think what lies you want to tell before you start , because that 's a dead giveaway . What is the ' but ' for ? " " Well , seeing that you are forcing it out of me . " Katrina gave a mock sigh . " She was furious when she left the house according to Kathy . On the way out she told Kathy that she was crazy for working there , especially with people like Megan who had murderous tendencies . I 'm just glad she left before I got home , or I would 've shown her what murderous tendencies really were . What she did to Megan was unforgivable and … oh shucks . " Katrina placed her hand over her mouth . Charlie looked at her with a bit of amusement showing on her face . " You got that far , don 't stop now . What unforgivable thing did she do ? " " From what I understand , Megan drank a whole bottle of whisky after you left her in the study on her birthday . Kelly sneaked into her room and into her bed after she passed out , and that 's how you apparently found them . The murderous tendencies apparently got shown at that point . " Katrina laughed . " I should be the judge of that . She sat here for days promising me no more tears . It wasn 't my imagination . I need to go after her . " Charlie made a move to get out of the bed , but she had to sit back quickly when her world started spinning . " Haste hasn 't done anything good for either of you . Get yourself well before you attempt anything . " Katrina leaned over and pulled the covers back over Charlie . " We can start planning once you get home . " Charlie had been home for four days , and she couldn 't wait to go after Megan , but she had promised Katrina that she would rest for a week as the doctor suggested before taking on the trip . She was resting on the porch couch when she saw Megan 's car approaching . " She 's back . " She almost fell off the couch in her attempt to get up . " Kat , she 's back , " she yelled again into the house . " But she 's back Kat . That 's her car on its way here . " Charlie couldn 't keep the excitement out of her voice , but her face fell when she saw that the driver wasn 't Megan , but a middle aged dark haired woman . The woman got out of the car once it stopped in front of the porch , and smiled at the two women staring at her . " Hi , I 'm Belinda , Charlie 's personal assistant . " She stretched her hand out to greet the two women . " Megan instructed me to get these documents to Charlene Palmer for signing the moment they were ready . " She looked back at the little sports car . " She told me to use her old car as a company car , because she bought herself a large 4 × 4 truck . It 's quite funny seeing her behind the wheel of something so big . " She chuckled . " Anyway , I decided to make the trip myself seeing that I 'm on holiday for the next week , and she told me I could use the car during that time as well . " " Maybe I said too much already . " Belinda swallowed hard . She was very good at her job , but she did have a reputation for talking way too much . Charlie closed her eyes for a second and opened them again . She seemed more in control of her emotions . " Belinda , it will be in your best interest to tell me how Megan is doing . " Belinda looked a bit nervous , but decided to tell them . " In all honesty , she doesn 't look too good . She walked back into the office three weeks ago , but she 's not the same person . Her fiery personality is gone . She used to scare people to death , but now she treats everyone around her like a person . We 're all speculating about what happened to her , and most people are convinced that she 's dying from some terminal illness and is now trying to make up for her past . She surely looks the part . She 's worse now than she was two weeks ago . She 's lost weight , and has permanent dark shadows under her eyes . She 's the first person at the office , and the last to leave . Sometimes it actually looks like she never went home in the first place . " " I 've listened to you and the doctor now for two weeks . I 'm not dead , and I 'm feeling much better . If that piece of glass in my head couldn 't kill me , there 's no way this trip will . The woman I love is killing herself , so there is no way that I 'm going to sit around here waiting to feel a little better . She 's the only one that can do that . " Back on the porch , Belinda couldn 't believe her ears . She had had the good fortune to get this piece of information first - hand , and knew just who to call . When Charlie came back out of the house she gave her the papers . " Maybe you could take these back with you and sign them there . " " It 's about four hours . I left home at six this morning to have a nice quiet drive . I really love driving and especially in that car . There is just something about that amount of power under your control , and the feeling of complete … " When Charlie got out of the elevator , she was even more stunned than when she had walked into the front of the building . From what Megan had said , she knew that she had to be successful , but obviously she had no idea how successful the company was . She walked towards the woman who sat at a desk in front of the office that was marked with Megan 's name . When the woman saw her , she almost jumped out from behind the desk . " Good day Miss Palmer , I 'm Wendy , Miss Callaway 's secretary , " she greeted her with a huge smile on her face . Charlie lifted her eyebrow in confusion . " Don 't worry , Miss Callaway doesn 't know you 're coming . Belinda phoned me this morning to inform me about your trip . Unfortunately , Miss Callaway is in a meeting in the boardroom , but should be out shortly . " She indicated for Charlie to follow her . " You can wait in her office , and I 'll make sure you 're not interrupted . " She winked at Charlie with a broad smile on her face . " Wow , thank you very much Wendy . " Charlie walked into the huge office and took a seat in front of Megan 's desk . She looked around the spacious room while waiting . She decided to move the chair and sit just out of view next to the door . It took about twenty minutes before she heard Megan 's voice as she talked to Wendy . It took a lot to restrain herself from jumping up and grabbing her . Megan walked into her office reading a note that Wendy had given her . She automatically closed the door behind herself before she walked towards her desk . She visibly stiffened when she heard the click of the lock behind her , but before she could turn a bunch of papers landed at her feet . " You don 't honestly expect me to sign that do you ? " There was no mistaking who was standing at her door . Megan picked up the papers , but didn 't turn around . " Well , I have news for you . I decide about my life , no one else . If I want to throw myself off a bridge , it 's my choice . If I want to climb in a car and drive while I 'm in no state to do so , it is still my choice . Guilt will not rule my life , and I won 't allow it to rule yours , " Charlie said determinedly while taking a step closer to Megan . " But I 'm not someone you can rely on . I 'll fail you . " Megan 's knees almost gave in when Charlie took another step towards her and was breathing down her neck . " No , I can 't . " Megan quickly moved out of reach and turned to face Charlie for the first time . They both let out a gasp . " What have you been doing to yourself ? " Charlie took another step closer to Megan while she tried to keep her emotions under control . Megan looked even worse than Belinda had described her . " Have you gone on a no - sleep , no - food strike of some kind ? " " No , you 've already done that . Do you really think I 'm going to leave after seeing you like this ? " Charlie moved towards Megan again , but this time she didn 't stop . She kept on advancing towards Megan like a hunter towards its prey . Megan gave another whimper as she quickly retreated again , but never took her eyes off Charlie . For every step towards her , she took one back . " Charlie , why do you have to be so difficult ? What do you want from me ? " Tears started flowing down Megan 's face when she felt the wall behind her . She had backed herself into a corner . " I 'm not being difficult , I just know what I want , and it 's right in front of me . " Charlie quickly closed the gap between them when she realised Megan was stuck . She stopped in front of her and placed the palms of her hands on the wall next to Megan 's shoulders . " I love you and I know you feel the same . " She moved her face to whisper into Megan 's ear . A shiver ran through Megan 's body when she felt Charlie 's breath on her skin . " Even if it takes the rest of my life to convince you , I 'll show you that we belong together , no matter what lies in our future . " She moved her lips down Megan 's body towards the front of her neck , but still didn 't touch her . All she did was breathe on her skin . " I 'll show you that you can 't be without me , the way I can 't be without you . " She continued her path downwards towards the cleavage between Megan 's breasts . She saw another ripple run through Megan 's body , and she smiled while blowing hot air down her cleavage . " I want to take you to the cabin , and ravish you for days on end without any interruptions . I want to go for long rides with you , preferably with us both on one horse . " She could see another ripple run through Megan 's body . " I want to swim naked in the pond with you . I want to clean the chicken coop with you . " She moved towards Megan 's other ear now . " I want to milk cows with you , I want to work in the vegetable garden with you , I want to sit on the front porch with you , I want to spray water all over you just to see your nipples harden . " Her voice was sultry in Megan 's ear , who wasn 't sure if it was the words or the breath on her skin that was holding her against the wall , because it definitely wasn 't any part of Charlie 's body . Megan closed her eyes in frustration . Charlie stared into her eyes for what seemed like an endless time before she spoke again . " I want you to be my wife . " Her words were barely a whisper spoken onto Megan 's lips , but still no part of them touched . Charlie kissed her as she allowed her hands to roam over Megan 's body . She pushed her up against the wall , but it didn 't take very long for Megan to turn the tables . In a quick move , she turned Charlie around and had her pinned to the wall while running her lips down Charlie 's neck . When she reached Charlie 's shirt , she released her hands and ripped at the shirt to send buttons flying . Charlie helped her to remove the shirt , and used the opportunity to step behind Megan and push her against the wall as she ripped at her shirt . She also managed to get Megan 's bra off before she got roughly shoved in the direction of the desk . She stumbled against it while Megan managed to get hold of her bra and pulled at it until the snap gave way . Megan pushed her all the way onto the desk while pushing things off her desk at the same time . She smiled at Charlie . " At this point , I don 't give a damn if I have to walk out of here covered in a plastic bag . " She got hold of Charlie 's pants as she pulled her back towards her . Megan 's hands stilled and she looked up into Charlie 's eyes with a naughty smile on her face . " Will you please shut up and start living up to those promises you just made ? We can start with a night of passionate lovemaking , and take it from there . " |
When we were preparing to leave , they were sitting at the kitchen island , eating their afternoon snack . They had not been awake very long . We had to wake them from their nap at 4 : 00pm because we didn 't want them to wake up to find us gone . Katy was sitting between them and reading to them . They really enjoy being read to while they eat and I have gotten to where I read to them a lot during snacks and meals other than dinner . I explained to them that we were going for a little while and would be back and they were going to stay and play with Katy . They gave us a bye bye kiss and waved and blew kisses to us and did not have any problem at all . Not one tear . I had prepared an activity for them that I thought would be fun . I filled two ice trays with water . In one of the ice trays , I put a drop of food coloring in each cube and stirred it a little . In the other , I put a little plastic man or animal in each cube . Katy let the boys play at the kitchen sink , which they love to do , and they got to play with the ice and watch it melt . The ice that had food coloring changed the color of the water in the sink as it melted and they were able to see the men and animals through the ice but not touch them until the ice melted . She said they really enjoyed it . I had read about this in a book on Saturday , when I was looking around at this teacher 's supply store . It was a great activity for the boys because they seem to be fascinated with ice . I think the boys probably had more fun than we did . We went to a movie and we did not research it beforehand . Big mistake . I hate scary movies and this one was scary to me . There was a couple in front of us who brought their little two year old boy with them to see this movie . I just couldn 't believe it . I think that is the ultimate in either stupidity or selfishness or both . I was covering my eyes and ears during half of the movie and it was very loud . . . even when I covered my ears , I could still hear what was going on . I can 't even imagine taking my kids to a movie like that . I think if our sons were to see / hear anything like that , they would be really scared and crying . This little boy did not cry and I don 't think he fell asleep . Makes me wonder what they have on their TV at home in front of him . Poor kid . I felt sorry for him . As for us , we won 't make that mistake again . What a waste . Here is Nick , sitting in the " mail box " with Dancer - the - cat . Dancer was there first and I was surprised that he didn 't jump out when Nick squeezed in next to him . Yesterday , Ben sat down in the box and couldn 't get out . I 'm not sure if he sat down in it on purpose or if he fell . I watched from the doorway , as Nick put out his hand to help Ben out of the box ( as I had done with Nick in the past ) but I don 't think Ben understood what Nick was doing . I had to go rescue the boy . It was funny . Since it has been so cold outside , I have been trying to think of an indoor way to simulate playing with cars and trucks in the dirt but I have not found a solution yet . Here I let the boys put the beans on large cookie sheets and plow them with their trucks , but it wasn 't as good as playing in dirt outside . I 'm still thinking about this . If you have any ideas , let me know . The firemen and policemen are making a regular appearance at our house these days , in addition to a couple of cowboys . The boys have been having a good time with dressing up and they still like pushing their shopping carts around . They have also turned their shopping carts upside down and every which way . . . . what is about boys taking things apart ? The boys both love to tear things ( newspaper , magazines , tissues , etc . ) into tiny pieces . Ben also just seems to have a knack for breaking things and tearing up books , after which he will normally look at me and say " woops " and want me to fix it . He 's got the innocent destruction thing down pat . I 'm not sure if I mentioned that Ben 's repeat surgery was moved out a week . He has a dr . appt . on Wednesday to see how the first one has healed and , if everything is ok ( the amount of scar tissue ) then he has this second ( and hopefully last ) surgery on Thursday . My sister and mom are planning to spend the night with us on Wednesday and take care of Nick on Thursday while we are at the hospital with Ben . I am hopeful that this time Nick will handle the separation better but we 'll see . I have been praying for Ben and dreading this . I will be glad to get it over with . One year ago today we arrived home from Russia with our two sons . Wow how time flies and things change so quickly . It seems like they have always been with us and I can 't imagine our lives without them . Our sons are precious and we thank God that we have been given the opportunity to raise them . I just put the boys down for their nap and , in doing so , experienced a reality check that I am living on borrowed time . Nick has been climbing up on his crib for a while now , trying to get in on his own . Today , after I put him in his crib and was rubbing Ben 's back , I turned around to Nick saying " mommy , down " , while trying to get his foot over the side of the crib . I stopped him before he really had a chance to see if he could do it , telling him that he couldn 't get down because it was nap time , but I have a feeling if he really tried , he may be able to do it . . . . if not , he is very very close . Bummer . I was hoping that we could keep them in their cribs for another 6 or 8 months . I guess we 'll see . I have a feeling that , one of these days soon , we may wake up to find him in our room with us . Ben is very close to being able to sing the alphabet song . He sings part of it and he pretty much learned it from the Leap Frog alphabet game thingy that we have on the fridge . He loves that thing . They both do but Ben plays with it more often , as well as the alphabet and number puzzles . The puzzles have also been a big factor with Ben learning the alphabet and numbers . I went to Tuesday Morning yesterday in search for more difficult puzzles because they can work most of their puzzles fairly easily . Tuesday Morning had lots of Melissa & Doug puzzles for $ 5 each . I got these : I love the hands puzzle ( shown with and without pieces ) . I had never seen one of those before . I also got one of these large floor puzzles and some small jigsaw - type puzzles I found these puzzles on the internet when I was shopping for Christmas presents for the boys . I thought they were full size puzzles and was disappointed when they arrived and I saw how small they were . After thinking about it for a little while , I decided they were actually quite cute and were great stocking stuffers so I kept them . The boys really liked them so I am glad I decided to keep them . This is a puzzle that I had gotten at Tuesday Morning just before Christmas . I thought it was a little unusual and really thought it would take the boys quite a while to be able to do it . They are already getting pretty good at it , although they still need a little help . Here is a funny picture of Ben . He was half fireman and half cowboy and his fireman hat was on backwards . I cracked up when he walked in like this while I was fixing a meal . Can you tell that I keep the camera handy ? And here are two ( not very good ) family pictures of us . They were an after thought , in case you couldn 't tell . I could not find the document that described the pictures we were to include in our post placement report but I was thinking that we needed one with all of us in it together . So , on our way out of the house to go to church last week , I grabbed the camera and then we asked someone in the children 's department to snap our picture real quick . Next time , I will have to plan ahead a little . We ended up staying in most of the weekend , nursing colds and resting ( as much as possible , with two two - year - olds running around : ) , so not much new to report around here lately . It has been very very cold and yesterday it also drizzled . The dad was off work yesterday so we had a three day weekend , which was nice . The boys have been wanting to go outside and play though and , with colds and the very cold weather , I have not wanted them to . I am going to either have to wrap them up and let them go out or take them somewhere to let them play . They are starting to get restless . We have been staying busy with play dates , visits from my mom and sister , MOPS and visits from other friends . Today the boys and I made the long trip to OKC for apostilles for our second set of post placement reports . The boys were so good on the trip . I could not have asked for better behavior . I was so proud of them , and this from two little boys who were not feeling great , since we are all coming down with colds . And , I didn 't even take the dvd system with us . I just packed a bunch of books and a few small toys in a bag and put it between them on a pillow , so they could reach it . Between that and their snack cup , they stayed busy and content the entire trip to OKC . For the return trip , I put the bag of books / toys in the trunk because I was hoping they would go to sleep . They played with anything they could reach , they took off their shoes and socks , talked to each other and pointed out every big truck , before Nick finally fell asleep . After seeing that Ben was clearly not going to fall asleep in time to get in a half - way decent nap on the way home , I handed him two books that were still in the diaper bag . He had been amusing himself just fine , talking to himself and looking out the window but he was happy to get the books . My mom and sister came for a visit yesterday and stayed with the boys while I went to my MOPS meeting . Both boys happily gave me a kiss and said ' goodbye ' and ' see ya ' as I left . They love staying and playing with Aunt Kathy and MaMa ( pronounced mawmaw ) . They get so excited when they know they are coming for a visit . It warms my heart : ) . After we got home from OKC today , Nick and I were sitting at the kitchen island , while he was eating his snack . Ben was sleeping , since he had not slept in the car on the way back . Nick took a one hour nap in the car . I had hoped he would go back to sleep in his crib but , alas , no such luck . So I was sitting next to him and reading to him , while he ate his snack ( at his request : ) . I keep a devotions for toddlers book in that spot just for such an occasion so I was reading to him from it . One of the devotions was about being thankful and it said something about saying ' thank you God ' . Right after I read it , Nick patted me on the shoulder and said ' thank you God ' several times . Very cute . What a cute age . Maybe we just aren 't quite there yet but , so far , I am just not seeing the ' terrible twos ' . Someone told me that when her son hit two and a half , it was like someone flip a switch and he really changed , wanting to be more independent . So , maybe we just aren 't there yet . They each have their moments but , then again , so do I : ) . If anything , I feel that I am seeing more concern and compassion between them , for each other and also for me . It is such a wonderful thing to see . This evening , Nick was finished with dinner shortly before Ben so he got down from the table first . Before dinner , they had been reading books with their dad . Ben is really hung up on the Goodnight Moon book right now and he was not too happy that he had to put it down so he could eat . I got this book the other day for $ 2 or $ 3 at the used bookstore ( I really like that place and I have been trading in a lot of our books that we have decided we don 't want or need any longer . ) Ben just loves this book and wants to read it all the time . Before Ben got down from the table , he had already been saying " night night moon " , " night night moon " , because he wanted to read it again after he finished eating . Nick had heard Ben saying this and , of course , since he got down first , he ran over and got the book first and he brought it back over by the table and was looking at it in front of Ben . Ben was not too happy about this situation and was complaining a bit , while I was wiping his hands and face . I told Nick that it would be very nice of him to let Ben have the book , or something to that effect . He promptly took it to Ben and put it in his hands nicely and then ran away to play with something else , without any sort of objection . I was so pleased with him and let him know that was a very nice thing to do . They are both such sweet little boys . These days , I spend more time than I prefer feeling tired and there are plenty of days when I wish I had a bit more personal time . But I must say , overall this is by far the best , most favorite ' job ' I have ever had in my entire life . I love being a mom and I especially love being a stay at home mom . I hope and pray that I can be a good home schooler mom . I know God still has a lot of work to do on me , in order for me to be a good home schooler mom . I trust he will do it though , since I feel He has called me to do this . Boys and their sticks and rocks , I love it ! . Note that they have put their sticks and rocks on plates and are pretending they are food . How cute is that ? Here is a tent that was a Christmas present for the boys from my brother , sister - in - law and niece . They have had so much fun with it ( so do the cats ) . I may have mentioned that the dad set the tent up in his office : ) . And here is our first experience with finger painting . OK , I know you are laughing because I covered everything up except for their heads : ) . Yes , I am somewhat anti - mess but I am trying to loosen up . I seem to be hearing more funnies from Nick these days than from Ben . Nick tends to be the one coming up with the ' first time ' words and phrases , for now . He is a bit more talkative , so maybe that is why , as I think they are both pretty much at the same level with their vocabs . I was changing Ben 's diaper the other day and Nick was sitting on the couch next to me , quietly looking at an alphabet book . This book has one letter on each page , along with pictures of things that start with that letter . He was looking at the ' G g ' page , as he pointed to it and said " Mama Rilla ? " , " Mama Rilla ? " . Back to the alphabet book . I looked at the page he was pointing to , the ' G g ' page and saw nothing there that reminded me of Grandma Rilla , yet he was still pointing to and saying " Mama Rilla " ? I told him that I was not sure what he was talking about and asked him to show me . He put his finger on . . . . . . wait for it . . . . . . . the gorilla ! I cracked up laughing and explained to him the difference between the words " Grandma Rilla " and " gorilla " . I thought it was pretty clever though , since we have not looked at that book in quite a while , even when we do look at it , we usually don 't get very far into the alphabet before they are ready for another book , we don 't cover every picture on the pages we do look at and , last but not least , ' gorilla ' is not an every day word in our household and I can 't think of another book that we have that has gorillas in it . So there is no telling how long it has been since we covered the word gorilla and we probably have not covered it very often . I WISH I had the kind of memory that little kids have ! They are amazing . But , mostly , it was just a very funny moment : ) . Another day , Nick was sitting in his booster seat at the kitchen island . Having just finished his oatmeal for breakfast , he pushed his chair back , saying " done " . Then he realized he had spilled a small blob of oatmeal on his booster seat , next to his leg . He was holding up his leg so it wouldn 't touch the oatmeal , looking at me and saying , " help " . I said , " can you pick it up and put it back in your bowl ? " . He looked at it , looked back at me , shook his head no and said " yucky " . This is the word I use when I am telling them not to touch something that is yucky , such as the cat 's litter box . Another day , Nick and Ben sitting in their booster seats at the kitchen island , almost done eating lunch . I had been sitting between them , reading to them while they ate . As Ben was finishing up , I started teasing him about giving me a kiss . Nick wanted me to do it to him too so I was going back and forth between them . Nick was turning his head the other direction and leaning away from me laughing and , just as clear as day , said " no way ! " . I was so surprised because this is not something he learned from us . I am guessing he learned it from my two nieces who were visiting us recently . Nick is typically very compassionate towards Ben , when Ben is not happy about something and is crying . It depends on the situation though . The other day , Ben was crying about something he wanted and had not gotten his way about and Nick looked at him and said , " brother , hush " , " brother , hush " . The funny thing is that Ben hushed up pretty quick after that . Yesterday we had our first exercise in finger painting and it went very well . The boys were not to overly thrilled with having paint all over their fingers though and kept wanting me to wipe them off . I think they would probably enjoy using a brush more but we 'll see . We still have a lot of finger paint left so maybe they will be more into it the next time . The odd thing is that , since this is " finger paint " , my assumption was that it would wash off easily with soap and water . Wouldn 't you think ? Nope . I failed to post about the day , a couple of months ago , I decided to let the boys play with food coloring . I thought they would find it interesting to see how it changes the color of water . So we had several cups of water in clear glasses and I was putting the coloring in and letting them stir it . Then I was helping them to hold and squirt the coloring into the cups and one of the boys grabbed and squeezed the food coloring bottle while I was still holding it upright and it went EVERYWHERE . . . . and it was red so it looked like someone had been severely hurt in my kitchen . The bigger mistake though was that I did not do a test before hand and I thought that food coloring washed off easily . It was not my brightest moment , as a mom , and I learned a few lessons that day . . . . . but we had fun : ) . Our sons are doing wonderfully . Nick is still the big talker , the extrovert and the one is who always ahead , from a gross motor skills perspective . He turned two on November 11 . He climbs everything , jumps , kicks a ball , runs very fast and can run down the upstairs hallway , climbing the two small steps along the way , without even slowing down . Ben is more sensitive and can have his feelings hurt easier ; he is slower to warm up to new people but really does enjoy being around people once he gets to know them and he is a very quick study when it comes to learning the alphabet , numbers , shapes and stuff like that . He turned two years old on September 30th and he already recognizes all of the letters of the alphabet and numbers 0 through 10 , although he does not know them in order , and many colors and shapes . Of course , Nick knows some letters , numbers , shapes and colors too and Ben can climb and run but the areas above is where each of them really excel right now . We have a wooden alphabet puzzle that both the boys absolutely love , although they are not quite at the age where they will stick with it and do the entire puzzle in one sitting . If I am cheerleading and they are both doing it together , they will sometimes finish it in one sitting . We have a lot of puzzles and they are getting pretty good at them . I think they are great for helping them to learn to keep trying and control their frustration level if they can 't get it right away . For Christmas , they received the Leap Frog alphabet thingy that you put on the fridge . When they put a letter in it , it sings a little song that includes the letter name and phonic sounds . It is really great and they love it and play with it every day . I don 't know if I mentioned that I created a poster board that has a number , letter , shape and color . We switch it out every week or two and they enjoy that too . They are both talking all the time these days . . . . I mean , they almost never shut up : ) . Nick talks more but they both do their share . I wish I had a nickel for every time they say " mommy " . I would already be a very wealthy person . Everything is mommy this and mommy that . They want me to acknowledge everything they see , say or do and , of course , I love it ( most of the the time anyway : ) . I love that they are understanding so much these days and can be reasoned with , at times anyway . They have their moments but , for the most part , they are very well behaved little boys , especially when we are out and about . We have received many compliments from waitresses , during our Sunday lunches . They are also enjoying their class at church more these days . I have a feeling that the small chocolate bribe has helped to turn this into a more anticipated event . I plan to keep this up for another few weeks or a month or so and then start tapering it off . They love to boss the cats around these days ( " Zoe , get down " , " Dancer , no no " ) and each other ( " brother , no no " ) . Their vocabularies have grown so quickly that I can no longer keep up with everything they are saying . Since their speech is that of two - year - old clarity , I sometimes don 't understand what they are saying now days . When their vocabs were smaller , I pretty much always knew what they were saying because I knew what words they understood and which ones they didn 't . They have long since outpaced me and I sometimes can 't figure out what they are saying these days . They frequently use two and three words sentences now . The other day , I was in the library / playroom , getting on to Ben for something he should not have been doing , while Nick was in the next room sitting at the kitchen island finishing his snack . Out of the blue , I heard him saying " mommy , I wuv you " . As with everything he says , he continued to say it until I heard him and acknowledged it . It was very sweet and quite a surprise to me that he said it on his own , without some type of bedtime or snuggling context . Very sweet The boys are pretending more and more these days . One of their favorite things to pretend is that they are going night night . I 'll be in the kitchen preparing a meal or cleaning up and I will hear them in the next room " brother , night night " , " brother , night night " . I 'll look in to see one of them lying on the small couch and the other one covering him with a blanket , giving him a kiss and patting his back . And then they trade places and do it all over again . It is really cute . The other day , I was changing Nick 's diaper . They had both been playing with this monkey that is made of hard plastic . Ben whacked Nick on the head with the monkey , which definitely hurt , and Nick started crying . While rubbing Nick 's boo boo and empathizing with him , I was explaining to Ben that he had hurt his brother . Ben was clearly surprised and felt bad that he had hurt Nick and he kissed Nick on the head several times , with no prompting from me . After everyone was OK again , we had a lesson of what ' hard ' and ' soft ' mean . I probably need to cover that again a few times before they forget . It was sweet to see Ben 's response though . We had beautiful , warm weather here this weekend so the boys were able to get outside and play a lot . Nick 's rash has mostly cleared up now . We are putting the steroid cream on it and we moved an additional humidifier to their room , which has made a huge difference . It has been two months since Ben had his surgery on his face to remove a mole . Later this month he goes back for the repeat performance ( NOT looking forward to that ) . I am working on our second post placement report , which is due at the end of January . Our one year anniversary is coming up soon . We came home from Russia with the boys on January 23rd of last year . It 's hard to believe it has been one year . It seems that they have always been with us . Well , today is the day when life after the holidays finally returns to normal for us . The dad went back to work today , after being off for the past two weeks . It was nice to have him here . The three of us are not going to know what to do without him : ) . . . . especially me , since the boys are taking a shorter nap these days , I am not getting as much of a break and they are probably going to miss all of the one - on - one time with the dad . We took our Christmas tree down early this year . I may have mentioned that we had such a beautiful Christmas tree this year . It was one of the prettiest trees I think I have ever seen , although I 'm might be a bit biased : ) . The boys were very intrigued by it . They wanted the lights on all the time and found it disconcerting when we turned them off as we were getting ready to leave the house or preparing for bedtime . They loved touching the bulbs and lights and pointing to the various ornaments . Unfortunately they were not very gentle with it and it was losing needles fast . Every time it was bumped or touched , more needles fell off . The cats would walk under it and brush branches with their backs and needles would go everywhere . I found several balls stuck in the tree and up pretty high actually ( the boys are getting pretty good at throwing these days : ) . The needles would get tracked all over the house , even though we swept them up at least once a day . Then there came the evening that I was in the bedroom , taking a short break and relaxing for a bit , while the boys played with the dad . It was probably only one or two days after Christmas . By the way , have I mentioned that the dad is not the multi - tasking sort , but focuses extremely well on one task at a time ? It seems he was focusing on something in his office while the boys played with some of their new toys . I remember hearing something in the background , as I relaxed in my room and read a book or blog or something . I remember hearing the boys playing and laughing in the living room . But I wasn 't paying much attention beyond that . The next thing I remember hearing was the dad saying " hey , you guys , what are you doing ? ? ! " " Stop that ! " I was not sure what had happened but I heard the dad cleaning up . Turns out the boys had been having a ball , beating the Christmas tree with their new stick horses . . . . and not with the stick end but with the stuffed head end of the stick horse . They did quite a number on the tree . I could actually see right through the middle of it . All of the branches they could reach were all hanging downward , towards the ground , and ornaments were on the floor or hanging underneath branches that were knocked downward . It was quite a sight . . . . . and this was after the dad had finished cleaning it up , as much as possible . My sister got the biggest laugh out of this and was wishing we had it on video . I 'm glad I am not the one who discovered them beating the tree with the stick horses . I probably would not have taken it very well , since I spent a lot of time decorating it . Since it happened on the dad 's watch , I ended up finding it kind of funny and the further we get from the scene of the crime , the funnier it gets : ) . Yee Haw ! ! Nick 's rash got much worse and started spreading so we took him to the doctor . There were four doctors in the room and none of them were real sure what it was . We took him to a dermatologist the next morning ( yesterday ) and he said he thinks it is a dry skin type of rash ( I can 't remember the name he gave it ) . Soooooo , we have ointment to put on it twice a day and we are suppose to try to avoid any water contact with his skin , as much as possible . We are not of the mind that children of this age need to take a bath every night , much to our doctor 's surprise . Apparently , this is a very common thing now days but my sister never did that with young children and I think it is a lot of extra work that is not necessary . Our normal schedule for giving the boys their baths is Wednesdays and Saturdays , but we do more in the summer if they have been playing outside and getting dirty . Our doctor thought that was perfect and spent some time telling us how bad it is for our skin to take daily baths . So , the times we really have to be careful now are when we wash up around meals and brush teeth before bedtimes . I moved our humidifier to the boys ' room , so now they have two going when they sleep . I really think this is helping a lot . Nick woke up this morning looking so much better . The dad is investigating the humidifier systems that hook into the central heat / air system and we are now thinking this would be a good investment for our family . My husband and I both suffer from multiple cracked finger tips and heels during the winter months . I usually end up with at least two cracked finger tips a week and they are so painful . I also think generally it will be healthier for all of us to have the right level of humidity in our home , since we spend so much time here . I will not miss having to fill up several humidifiers every evening and I definitely won 't miss the cracked finger tips . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
Posted on June 24 , 2017 I own a 5000 + square foot executive home in a gated community in Las Vegas . My tenant illegally rented out my home for up to $ 750 / night . My neighbors reported that on a daily basis limos and party buses would roll up with 15 - 20 people going in and out of my house daily . My home was subject to bachelor parties , naked pool parties , and even had a rap video filmed inside . Airbnb does not check that " hosts " are authorized to rent out the homes . As a result , my home suffered over $ 25 , 000 in damage . When I reported it to Airbnb , they refused to remove it from the site and cancel future reservations . I had to get the police involved and move people out in the middle of the night . The same host is doing this with other unsuspecting homeowners . If anyone files a class action on behalf of property owners , I 'm in . How is it that Airbnb does not check to see if a host is legally entitled to rent out someone 's home ? Also , when notified , how do they not shut down the listing , as well as their other listings immediately ? Posted on June 24 , 2017 Stay away from this host and his place . I wrote a review after leaving an Airbnb that said that the place was not clean . There were bugs in the bathroom , the towels weren 't clean , and the silverware and sink were also not clean . However , I also added that everything else was accurate . That was all that was said in the review I wrote . Days after I wrote the review the host decided to contact me at night saying that my review was crap and I was not welcome in his place anymore . I was shocked that this person even reached out to me since I hadn 't even stayed at his place for almost a week . Of course I replied to defend myself and make him understand why I wrote the review the way I did which was I had the intention of being honest . After I replied he went on to say that I was too high maintenance and fancy for his place and that 's why I wrote what I wrote ; I just needed to go to a hotel . I was so offended . I replied and told him not to contact me again going forward . Nevertheless , he decided to tell me in a calmer tone that he would give me a refund for my troubles . I went on to be calm since he decided to be more respectful towards me and replied to him . However , when he said that he wanted me to edit the review to make it not be seen I was like … why ? Of course I wanted to test to see if he was trying to give me a refund because it was the right thing to do since I had to deal with the whole experience . When I told him that I couldn 't change the review he said that he couldn 't give me the refund . The funny thing is he tried to twist things on me , saying that I was trying to make him pay me to get the review changed . When it was obvious that he wouldn 't give me the refund unless I went to call Airbnb to go get the review changed , who is really trying to get the review taken off for money ? After he said he couldn 't refund 50 % of the money at least twice in the conversation prior to me telling him I couldn 't edit it . Airbnb has a 48 - hour timeframe to edit a review , so then he said he wouldn 't give me a refund . After that I told him that I will be publicly letting everyone know the type of host he is and I would reach out to Airbnb . He then wanted to use what I had said before and say : " You are unwelcome to contact me . Do not contact me . " I didn 't reply after I sent my last message . This dude was so rude and so immature to be reaching out to over a freaking honest review about his place . Let me tell you : he made me take pictures of his place when I got there so that he could see if it was clean from the prior guest … what kind of host does that ? He doesn 't even clean his own place and doesn 't even make sure it looks good for the next guest ? He makes people do the work in making sure everything is clean … which is fine since he did state it in his handbook , but taking pictures of the place to make sure everything looks good ? It should already look good when guest arrive if you 're a good host . This was such a horrible experience for me and it made me so upset and annoyed to be dealing with something so unnecessary . For future reference , avoid places that make you clean everything for them . It probably means that they don 't care about the quality of your stay . Lesson learned . Posted on June 24 , 2017 Our first Airbnb experience has been horrible . We booked a room through Airbnb for our vacation to Nashville . We got our reservation confirmation through Airbnb for June 19 - 24th . On our way down we called the resort to confirm and they had the reservation as June 19th - 23rd . Right away we tried getting in contact with the host who never once got back to us even though over a period of four days we had called , emailed , and texted . After that wasn 't successful , we contacted Airbnb who told us our case was a priority . After didn 't hear back from them we called again and again . Finally we were told that they got in contact with the host and the situation has been resolved . The next morning after that message we called the front desk to confirm that it had been dealt with and the checkout date was the 25th and found out that nothing had changed . Now after we have been dealing with this for our entire vacation we have to check out tomorrow morning two days early even though we paid for two more nights . This has been beyond frustrating . There needs to be three - way calling for some way to confirm the host actually does what they say they are going to do . The host has been horrible . He hasn 't gotten in contact with us even once and he 's the only one that can fix this . We will not be using Airbnb again because they ruined our vacation . Something that was supposed to be family fun and relaxation has not be that but consumed with trying to fix this . Posted on June 23 , 2017 Our daughter has been attending college in Maryville , Tennessee . She contacted us with the logistics for graduation . After speaking to several family members it was decided that we would look for a cabin to rent instead of all of us finding hotels . My son , who has been an Airbnb host for several years , suggested that we use Airbnb again ( we had used it once before with excellent results ) . The search was on to find the perfect spot for 14 of us to meet and stay for the May graduation . After several emails back and forth amongst the group we had narrowed it down to two places . The reviews were great for both , and the price was about $ 100 difference per couple between the two . We made sure that the cabin would accommodate the group , and that it would be handicapped accessible , which was confirmed by the host . After asking a few more questions of the host for " A Little Piece of Heaven " in Sevierville , Tennessee it was decided that we would take that one . On January 2nd , 2017 , we paid $ 1498 for the booking . It was rented for May 18th through the 23rd . All of us were excited and I exchanged a couple of emails with the host , " Jouandot Enterprises " , telling him that we were excited . Fast forward to the week of the trip . We were driving leaving Naples , Florida on May 17th heading to the cabin to meet up with family coming from Michigan and Pennsylvania . The host emailed me with the code for access to the cabin and wished us a safe trip . It would be a 15 - hour drive and we would stay in Pigeon Forge for the night . We could not check into the cabin until 3 : 00 PM the following day . We drove in still excited , and upon walking onto the deck noticed that there was an overturned trash can , and what looked like a planter with no plant that had been tipped over . There was dirt all over the deck . We then walked further onto the deck and there was a mop leaning against the wall and a picnic table that when leaned against literally swayed with you . There was a hot tub whose top looked to be either too small or badly damaged as there was a thick layer of dirt and waves in it . Coming onto the deck from the other side , there were molded slats around the hot tub . We saw the two rocking chairs that we had talked about sitting in to look at the view ( which was by the way , still stunning ) . It looked like some type of varmint had been eating the wood above them , and there were wood chips all over . There were spindles on the railing that had been kicked out and had not been repaired . The gate to the deck downstairs was barely hanging on . Looking over the rail , someone had tossed a bag of garbage into the woods below and trash was scattered about . Underneath the dinner table , there was a yellow stain . Urine ? Vomit ? The rug was disgusting and you could tell that it not only had been there for a while , but it had not been cleaned in a long while . By this time , I was more than a little upset and my husband said maybe we could just clean up a little and make the best of it . We looked around in the bedrooms and there was not a blind there that hadn 't been broken or was about to fall apart . We were going to open it up some as it was overcast outside , and dark inside the cabin . The surfaces looked to have been wiped down , but there was no pot in the coffee maker . I opened the cabinet to find the pot , with a hole in the bottom of it . There were thin quilts on the beds and questionable sheets , with no mattress pads at all . The only spare linen we found was stuffed in a magazine rack in the living room , and blankets had been thrown - not folded - in the top of the closets in both bedrooms . So the question in my mind is : how clean were they ? Trying to make this cabin work was just not going to happen . I stepped outside and tried to regain my composure ; I was just sick . I placed a call to the hosts and left a message . By then I was in tears as I had no idea what we were going to do … there was more family en route and nowhere to stay . There was no way to make this cabin work ; it was awful . After about fifteen minutes one of the hosts phoned me , and I explained that I was so disappointed that the cabin was filthy and in such bad disrepair . He said that he was so surprised to hear this as the people who checked out the day before said nothing . I told him that I can 't speak for other people , and I asked if he had another cabin nearby that we could try . He said that they did not . I was mid - sentence telling him that we could not stay when the call was dropped . I couldn 't get him back on the line . He texted me a few minutes later that he would call his cleaning service . I responded that we would be leaving the cabin and going to find rooms in town . I also told him that this was not just a cleaning issue ; this place was in disrepair . One thing the host did say while I had him on the phone was " it is a ' rustic ' cabin . " My response was : " I have stayed in many ' rustic ' cabins . I 'm from Idaho originally . Rustic doesn 't mean filthy and falling apart . " I think this would be a lovely place to visit , but hosts need to have pride in their properties . Keep them clean and in good repair . This was one cabin where the reviews and the pictures did not match what we found . For the record , we work every day . I cleaned houses and offices for many years and I am now an office manager . My husband is a painting contractor . We work very hard for our money and to be able to afford to take trips , so to find this was totally unacceptable . It was not a great way to start what was to be a celebration trip . We went into Pigeon Forge and I tried contacting a couple of other Airbnb hosts to find available places that were available to rent for our group . We saw a Cabins USA office , and our daughter 's coach suggested we give them a try . She called them and they had one place available . It was a little bigger than we needed and more expensive ; however , it was available , so we took it . Once we had settled into the new cabin , I phoned my son and asked him what I needed to do . He instructed me to go online and cancel the reservation and then email the host and to do it through Airbnb . I got online at Airbnb and tried using the Help feature in the app to cancel . It kept giving me an error message and just continued to ask me to check in . I then typed out an email to send and tried to send it tree times , receiving an error every time . Frustrated , I emailed the hosts from the listing on Airbnb . I explained that we had left the cabin , and would not be staying . I asked what I needed to do to request a refund . Within the hour , they texted me back and said that they would issue a refund through Airbnb . I responded thank you and went about the day . I thought the matter had been resolved . Later in the day I was shopping and I received a call from Airbnb . I explained that I was in the store and asked if they could call me back ? I shared that I thought the matter was resolved as the host said that he would be issuing us a refund . However , I would be happy to speak to them , just a little later . I did ask if I could call them ? I just asked that they email the contact information . That night I checked my emails , and there was an email from Airbnb . I typed a response stating that I felt the matter was resolved . The email was sent at 10 : 47 PM , May 19th . This email was sent in response to the complaint that I had sent on the 18th - the one I thought had not gone through . I found this out from Airbnb Customer Service . On the 20th we were scheduled to move our daughter out of her dorm and into an apartment in Knoxville . It wasn 't until later that night I saw different emails on the 20th . It had taken the better part of the day to move , and I really didn 't think anyone else would be contacting me . Graduation was on the 21st and we had a dinner out so we did not get in until late . I was not looking for any emails or calls from anyone . We were just trying to enjoy this time with our daughter and family . On May 24th after we arrived home in Florida , I reviewed the emails from different Airbnb people from May 20th . I emailed a response . There were also several " rate your stay " emails , which I kept deleting as I didn 't want to kick a dead horse . Then about the fifth time , I left a one - star review . It was short and sweet : the cabin wasn 't what we expected , we did not stay , the matter was resolved . The cabin could be much better with a little TLC . No lies , no trashing the people . Short and sweet . The next day I receive an email from them stating , " there will be no refund . " Airbnb had left it up to them since I didn 't respond . I responded with an email that stated that I had copies of the responses sent to Airbnb and to him . I explained that I didn 't think I needed to do any more than I did as he told me he was going to issue a refund . I thought the matter had been resolved . However , I also told him I understood that he did that likely so I would tell Airbnb that and not pursue the case any further . I was so angry . Was he serious ? This " host " was just going to take the $ 1500 and dismiss us ? Well , not without a fight . He also stated that I left him one star … so in my response , I told him that I wasn 't even going to leave that . I explained that I didn 't lie and I didn 't blast him or his cabin , I just said we didn 't stay . This guy is a real piece of work . He works Airbnb to his benefit , and the fact that he did it the way that he did , indicates he has done it before . He also shared that his reputation speaks for itself , and he wished me well . Again , I got on the phone to Airbnb . I reached them on the same 415 number listed on this site . I spoke to a representative who sounded genuinely concerned at the predicament . She said would email me and I needed to respond . I told her I was at work , so it would be later that night or in the morning ( this was Friday , June 9th ) . There were other photos on my husband 's phone that I needed to send as well . She told me that I had time , just get them together and send them . On my lunch hour , the same day , I printed the texts and emails and emailed them to response @ airbnb . com . This was a reply to the email that she sent to me as promised . That email went through fine . When I got home I put all of the photos together . I then tried to email them to the same email address and immediately received an error email that Airbnb did not receive the email with a link . The link took me to the listing for the cabin and hosts along with the help page . This brings me to June 14th at 6 : 00 PM . I was just walking in the door from work and my phone rang ; it was Airbnb . There is a woman who confirms who I am and proceeds to tell me that they are closing my file as I have not responded to their requests … what have I been doing , then ? I proceeded to explain that yes , I have responded , several times what is she talking about , and we would not be closing the file , not by a long shot . Is there anyone there that even reads these responses ? We talked for a few minutes more , and she said she understood that there was likely some confusion on my part about the need to respond since you felt the matter was resolved . Not until recently did she find out that it wasn 't . She told me that she would speak to her supervisor and get back to me by phone or by email . Thanks so much for your patience throughout this process . We appreciate the time you 've taken to share your concerns with our team . However , we have issued our final decision for this case and we will disengage from further discussion on this topic . We 're truly passionate about providing our community of hosts and guests with the best possible traveling experience . I 'm really sorry that this hasn 't been the case here . Just know that we 're always working to improve our products and policies , and even when we aren 't able to accommodate requests , we absolutely value our users ' feedback . As a customer of Airbnb , your voice is both powerful and essential and I 'll be sure to pass your thoughts on to the right team . Airbnb will " disengage " from further conversations even though this matter is far from resolved . I have not spoken to the same person twice and Airbnb feels that they have done a thorough job investigating this case ? I 've sent copies of texts and emails . I was unable to send photos , as the email address that I used to send you copies of conversations had with the hosts always produced an error . I called your corporate office number and it said that someone would be in touch , I sent emails asking what to do … and nothing . Now this ? I did send the photos to the owner . He knows what the property looked like and still couldn 't find anything wrong ? He never even commented on it . Maybe he knew he wouldn 't have to provide anything to you , because Airbnb really didn 't care one way or the other ? You ruled in his favor , as that 's what he told me , and left it up to him to decide on a refund ? So , instead of making your host follow through on what he wrote to me , you threw me , the customer under the bus and let him decide . How convenient for you . We were told that we would receive a refund on the 19th at 11 : 47 AM from our hosts . I thought the matter fully resolved and wrote as much in an email to your staff . A refund is what I was promised and a refund is what I fully intend to pursue . I will seek legal advice in the matter of this rental . I work hard for what I have and we paid your company up front for a cabin advertised as something it was not . These are unacceptable business practices and I 'm more than a little insulted that you think that what Airbnb did was a " resolution " to this situation . You and your " host " turned what was to be a celebration of our daughter 's graduation into a nightmare ! As a follow - up , my husband then phoned and got a young lady on the phone to again explain what had happened . He asked to speak to a manager as it is apparent that the people who answer the phones can 't get anything done . She asked to whom we had spoken and the name of the person we last spoke to . I gave them the name of the representative and then told her there was an email signed by BobbiLee . She told us that she was trying to get through to her , but couldn 't get an answer . She said that BobbiLee was in the office . She said that she would message her to call us back ASAP . It never happened , and we have not heard from anyone since . This was the call that I was told they had received the pictures that I sent , and the cancellation email that I sent , even though I received an error message on my end ? So , if they had all of the information and the pictures , how can they say that I didn 't respond to their requests for information ? I found this website . Maybe there is something that I can find out here … thanks for letting me vent . However , I am so truly disturbed by this experience that I will never use Airbnb again . The good experiences that I have had have been overshadowed by this one . I 'm disgusted that others may have to go through this as well . I am going to keep working on this , I assure you . I would appreciate any feedback . Posted on June 19 , 2017 My wife accompanied our daughter on a move to Los Angeles to start a new job . We own resort property and list through VRBO because they provide exceptional customer service and communication . A previous experience with Airbnb was problematic . We were reluctant to book through Airbnb again but my daughter liked one of the listings and it was close to her new job . When they arrived , they were met by the son of the owner who was out of the country . He handed them the key , wasn 't helpful in any way , and he left . When they opened the door they found a filthy apartment with bits of food on the dining table and kitchen counters . The appliances were greasy , there were stains on the furniture , and there appeared to be blood splatter on one of the walls . My wife found the son to ask if the unit had been cleaned and he handed her a bottle of Formula 409 . She asked to speak with the owner and he got him on the phone . He claimed his son is a " idiot " and lazy . My wife requested he arrange for a cleaning crew to come in while they wandered through LA . The owner went ballistic , said my wife was rude , and she wasn 't going to order him around . He also said they would not get their money back . She took pictures with her phone , then called Airbnb . She spoke with someone who seemed helpful at first . She sent the pictures , and he said he 'd call her back in five minutes ; he never did . When she called back , she was told that he left for a minute and would call back , her credit card would not be charged , and they could apply the amount to another Airbnb property . They found one that was acceptable , called Airbnb to advise them to move the funds to the new property , and were told that they processed the charge , and her pictures weren 't good enough evidence to cancel the reservation . My wife called her bank who reversed the charge , and they were left with no place to stay . Her credit card was tied up while she waited for the credit . I believe the owner violated his agreement with Airbnb because his home was not safe , healthy , or inhabitable . He also failed to resolve what clearly was his responsibility . In addition he failed to disclose that there was a massive excavation construction project next door that was quite noisy and caused the ground to vibrate . Airbnb needs to better vet their hosts and create a more user friendly process for their guests . Perhaps they are unaware that guests may also own rentals and could be clients of Airbnb as hosts . I 'm a real estate broker with influence in my market . I am going to do everything in my power to share this story and review . My attorney will be calling the owner to discuss his abusive language and fraudulent real estate activity . Posted on June 17 , 2017 I 'm not too sure which point I should be focusing on , the bad guest experiences or the Airbnb management system , but I will be explaining both so readers can be the judge . First , I had a guest book one of my apartments and checked in at night around 11 : 00 PM . He rang me up and asked how to check in . I gladly informed him of the instructions and he checked in successfully . Two days later on his check out day , our cleaners entered the apartment to clean after the check out time ( 11 : 00 AM ) . The guest was still sleeping , so the cleaners had to ask him to leave ; he was not really listening so the cleaners had to ask several times . Eventually he left but when the cleaners went inside the apartment , they found it in a hideous state . Everything had been moved , with splatters on the walls , sheets and blankets and pillows thrown everywhere , everything in the kitchen had been used and left unwashed , candles and decors were completely smashed , cups and other decors were missing , and there was a strong smell of cigarettes in the apartment . Obviously he had been smoking in our apartment , so already he did so many things wrong . Guests are supposed to leave the keys on the table when they leave but when we couldn 't find them , I tried contacting the guest all day by phone , text , Airbnb , and even on Facebook . Eventually the guest answered the phone late that night saying he forgot to leave the keys and took them with him . He came back to return the keys and I asked him to reimburse for the damages done at our apartment . He said he would if I sent him an email with an invoice . I did and surprisingly enough , he replied with a rejection . He said he would not take responsibility and didn 't agree he left the apartment in a bad state . I had to request money from Airbnb . Because the guest did not respond , it had to be escalated . Airbnb has not been replying . To be fair it has only been ten days , but I still think that is plenty of time for them to get back to me , as they have gotten in contact with me for other reasons , just not this . I have asked them what has happened to my case , and they only ask me to wait ( probably forever ) . Several days after this happened , the same guest decided to book another one of our apartments , and messaged me asking how to check in . If I 'm thinking clearly , I couldn 't imagine why he would do this because we clearly had by far the worst experience with him . Of course I had to cancel by calling up Airbnb ( because it was already after check in time ) . Thankfully they cancelled that booking for us , but they also cancelled the previous booking that he made and paid for , which resulted in the past reservation fee to be refunded to him . This was pretty much the last thing we needed , but when I emailed them and asked for this to be fixed ASAP , they only said it was a glitch and will be looked into very shortly … as in never ? Unfortunately I 'm still waiting on this , and not sure if I will ever hear from those case managers again . Airbnb really does a pathetic job with training staff , technical systems , management , and customer service . This isn 't big news for anyone I suppose . I just wanted to put this post out here , to warn hosts about receiving dodgy guests . Please see if they have a bad history , review , or just a weird vibe in general . I just finished hosting his girlfriend today ; I didn 't even know it was her at the time . I basically hosted the same guest , who ruined our apartment once , and she did it again . This one burned all of our candles and covered the fire alarm with a shower head . She was in bed " sick " all day according to our conversation . Again , there were stains all over the floor , sofa , and blankets , the place fuming with a candle smell so bad because there were five full sized candles all usePosted on June 15 , 2017 I have stayed at many Airbnb properties in the past and have always had a great experience . The hosts have left me positive feedback as well . This is the first time I was ever in a situation where our stay was literally one disaster after another . Normally it doesn 't take me as long to write a review , but this one took me a couple hours as there were many incidents I wanted to touch on which created the terrible experience . Of course with Airbnb 's word limit I wasn 't even able to fully express my anger but now I can here on Airbnb Hell . It all started a day before our trip which was a two - day drive for my sister and me ; my boyfriend was to be driving separately and meeting us there since he lives a day 's drive away . I thought to touch base with the host as she did not have a house manual or any information on the listing telling me about the condo or how to check in . She didn 't reply to us for over 24 hours through Airbnb . I was growing weary that she may try to cancel , as one of the earlier automatic reviews mentioned she cancelled the reservation prior to the stay . I was also anxious , as once I entered Canada my phone plan and data plan would no longer work so I couldn 't text or check the Airbnb website unless I had wifi ; while driving , I wouldn 't have that . After waiting a day for her reply and not getting one , I was very anxious and weary . I contacted Airbnb to see if they could get involved . They replied that they were also unable to get in touch and have alerted her to contact me the next day by 9 : 00 AM EST ( which she did not do ) , then they recommended I can cancel the stay . I really did not want to do this as we had already began our trip by this point . I did quickly looked at other places for us to stay in Toronto , but for three people almost everything was booked or a ridiculous 2 - 3 times our budget . Eventually I texted her , even though Airbnb recommends all communication happen on the platform and I also didn 't have an international cell plan . I was able to get a reply but no apology or acknowledgement about my messages on Airbnb from a few days ago that she ignored . In the texts , she gave me very vague instructions on the room number and told me parking was available . At this time I never thought to ask any further questions but there were so many things I would later find that she didn 't explain prior to our arrival . The apartment uses fobs for entry and she has an assigned parking spot in a very complicated underground garage . On our trip my boyfriend , sister and I were traveling in two cars . We couldn 't figure out how to get the fobs to work or find her parking spot . I had to run in to get the fob from the doorman , and then once I got it and got back to my car ( which was parked far away at a pay meter ) I had to run back inside to the doorman because we couldn 't find the garage to the complex after driving around aimlessly . Once I was finally able to get in the garage , we assumed that the number written on the envelope was the parking spot number - it wasn 't . We spent an hour and 15 minutes searching for her spot and then another hour searching for a visitor spot as there are a very limited about for the entire place . It took two hours to get though all of that and was a huge waste of time when we only had one day to spend in Toronto . The host did not make anything clear to us . How it works is there are a total of four big high - rise condos which all share this small parking garage . A fob is needed to get in , and the parking is assigned . Once you do go underground you lose cell service and it is easy to get stuck there with many dead ends in the narrow garage . Backing out is a huge pain . There were no instructions and everything was left unclear to us . After an hour of searching underground we actually made our way back up to text and ask the host how any of it worked . My boyfriend messaged her since he had bought a phone plan specifically before coming just based on the fact that he didn 't trust the host and wanted to be able to get in touch with Airbnb if we did get screwed out of the booking . While he was getting information from her , I went to the front desk to ask for help . The host told him her parking spot number and told him not to mention Airbnb , meaning she isn 't even supposed to be running an Airbnb to begin with . The doorman by this point can clearly tell I am not a friend of hers , which is what I had said I was since she said not to mention Airbnb , and he flat out asks if I am from Airbnb . By that point I can 't lie about it since she had given me no instructions or directions and I 've been coming to him for help numerous times now . I mean I don 't even know her parking spot . He even commented " Wow , what a terrible host . She didn 't even tell you where the garage was or her parking spot or anything about this condo complex ? That is really bad that she gave you no directions . What type of a host doesn 't give proper information ? " We asked the host if we could check in a little early at 3 : 00 PM ( check in was at 4 : 00 ) , since we were traveling from so far and just wanted to drop off bags . We told her we would then leave again so she could clean if she hadn 't already done so . She said that was fine . We walked in and saw it definitely wasn 't clean , but figured she would be doing it before check in . We all left immediately for the day for sightseeing since we had a lot planned . We didn 't make any comments to her , although my boyfriend did mention it . I didn 't message her only because I thought she had to come back to clean ; the place was a disaster . When we arrived back at the condo around midnight , we saw it was in the exact same disastrous state as before . When we first arrived the bed was completely unmade . It was so evident the sheets had been recently used and unwashed and they smelled ( of urine ) so we had to wash the pillowcases , sheets , and everything . Keep in mind when we finally got back to the apartment it was almost midnight on our one day vacation ; cleaning was really a waste of time and not even something we should have even had to do . We were really upset about that . This is such a bad thing to do as a host : provide dirty sheets that your guest has to clean ? The rest of the place was nothing like it had been described . The photos didn 't match the bedroom or views from the condo at all . I even took a few photos of the messy bed and the dirt tracked all over the floor of the entire place . The place was very gross . There was no soap or anything to wash our hands after using the bathroom . The bathroom was bare and had nothing to use . Luckily , we were warned to bring our own towels but she should have mentioned that she also didn 't have any soap or anything . There was also no third " couch " she lists as part of the sleeping arrangements on the listing . Our third person , my sister , had nowhere to sleep . It said the space fit three people but definitely only fit two as the " couch " was clearly a very tiny loveseat . No one could sleep on that comfortably , especially an adult . She is really small and still couldn 't fit . All three of us slept on the small bed made for two so she didn 't get screwed over , which obviously wasn 't ideal . I left the condo in way better condition than we found it as I actually made the bed with fresh sheets and cleaned the floor in the main room . When I arrived , as I mentioned , the sheets were used , the bed was completely unmade , and there was dirt tracked all over the main room floors . The laundry room was also a disaster as was the bathroom but I tried to avoid those spots as much as I could . The host didn 't ever contact me back on Airbnb until six days after my initial messages prior to my trip asking for information when she finally gave it to me . By then my trip was already over and I had to remind her I already stayed there last weekend . I tried to be as polite as possible even though I was pretty pissed about the whole stay . I told her the city was nice when she asked me how my stay was , and mentioned I would be writing her review later . It 's hard to say how much of the mess was from the last guest or her . Since after coming back from the trip and after already writing my review and reading some of the recent reviews now I see that sometimes she will have two people stay in one weekend without cleaning in between . Honestly that 's extremely disgusting . She would not even wash the sheets for new guests . If this is what she 's doing she should inform the second person about this just so they have a warning about the situation . She should also tell the previous person that they should do their best to tidy up as much as possible as someone will be coming in right after them . Perhaps then our situation would 've been better . It 's the only logical explanation I can think of for her to leave her place such a mess for guests . We seriously considered canceling when we arrived back at the place at midnight and getting a hotel but it was so late in the night that we didn 't . The whole incident is also made me think twice about ever using Airbnb again as the other reviews weren 't terrible but makes me think they are fake . I don 't trust any reviews except the last ones which were also bad . However , these had not been posted at the time I had booked with her . No one should have to go through that experience . As some of the other reviews said , she should not be running an Airbnb because she was a terrible host . In addition , her complex clearly doesn 't allow it if her guests have to keep the Airbnb factor hidden . Even better than all of this is that I have received a reply from her for my review and I think our exchange just adds to the debacle . Host : Unfortunately I paid someone to co - host / clean as I was in New York . Clearly they did not , so I apologize for the bed situation . In regards to parking , you 're the only person who had a hard time figuring it out . Given you did stay in my unit I 'm open to returning $ 50 but I cannot pay you more than that . Laundry is off limits as well so it shouldn 't matter what it looked like to you . Hope you were able to enjoy your stay outside of this given the area is amazing and the amenities were great . I do have a pamphlet in the unit with all amenities listed and wifi . Thank you . Me : I see in your message that you mention you " paid someone to co - host " , but it seems like from reading the other reviews I was not the only one who had this issue . In regards to parking , you also did not tell me prior what your parking spot was nor is it shown in the listing , yet I had told you I would be parking my car beforehand . That would have saved us hours from driving around trying to figure out a spot since we thought the room number / number on the envelope was the parking spot . It wasn 't until I asked for doorman that we finally got that information . You also say your space is for three people when you only have sleeping arrangements for two . How do you justify that ? You also mention laundry is off limits , yet in the listing it clearly mentions that the guest has access to the washer / dryer . Also , if it 's off limits , how do you expect a guest to clean the sheets , since we weren 't given clean sheets when we arrived ? As far as the costs , you mentioned giving me back $ 50 , but then you only offered $ 36 . Either way , I am going to involve Airbnb because of all the things I mentioned in my original message . Between the lack of information , the uncleanliness and us having to wash our own sheets , the false advertisement ( saying the sleeps three when it clearly sleeps two ) not to mention the photos of the apartment , bedroom , views , and bathroom aren 't even accurate and are not for this condo . For all those reasons I think a full refund is justified . Had we known all of those would happen we never would have booked this place , and if it wasn 't so late in the night we would have gone elsewhere . Host : I 'm sure I told you parking was 3017 or it was on the envelope but if not , have fun with Airbnb . I think you 're better off with a hotel next time . 3rd person would be the couch . All photos are accurate . Me : I 'm involving them because I believe my claim is justified for all of the reasons I gave you . Also you did not give me $ 50 . The email I received from Airbnb said you only offered $ 36 . The last time I checked , both of the last two reviews were also terrible . You also did not note on the envelope about parking . As I mentioned I didn 't have a phone plan in Canada so texting was not an option while I was there . My boyfriend who was in a separate car ( and not with me ) was the one who texted you - as we mentioned in the messages . The photos of the space ( which I see you have taken down now ) were not of the condo . The bedroom , bathroom , balcony and views were all from stock photos . Two other people even mentioned this in their reviews as well . As far as getting a hotel , we stayed at other Airbnbs along our trip and had great experiences at each and every one of them . What you have is a love seat - not a couch - which isn 't large enough for anyone to sleep on so I wouldn 't advertise it as a space suitable for three . Hopefully you can use the feedback I gave you constructively and not take it personally . Let 's let Airbnb decide how to resolve this . Have a good day . Posted on June 15 , 2017 I want to tell you a humiliating story about me and my six friends . From June 7 - 11 we went to celebrate a bachelor party in Berlin . We are seven men from Israel , so we wanted privacy . We decided to take an apartment through Airbnb , sadly only after we discovered that it was illegal in Germany . Anyway , we decided to go for an apartment because we wanted privacy and to celebrate a little . In the photos we saw a two - story villa ; in retrospect , it was only the upstairs area . In addition , the owner insisted that some of the payment be made in cash . I assume that because of tax matters , she prefers black money . When we arrived we saw that the neighborhood was very exclusive . Then we discovered from the cab driver that the neighborhood was not sympathetic to strangers ; he was surprised that we were staying there because it is on the east side . Anyway , we got there and the host 's daughter welcomed us . She was nice , told us we could have our party ; to repeat , she told us we could celebrate . I asked her - because the Middle Eastern mentality is different - if it was okay to make some noise . She was all smiles and explained that her parents were away for two weeks . Then she walked away . The day the nightmare began , the host 's son came into the picture and decided to be our surprise visitor . He arrived at 7 : 00 AM when everyone was asleep . When I woke up , I saw messages saying that he wanted to kick us out because we drank a little that evening and celebrated , as the host told us we could . I told the host that from now on , I would make sure everything was to her satisfaction … and indeed it was . On the third day we went for a walk . Since it was a very hot morning and there was no air conditioner in the apartment , I opened the windows in the rooms to get some air . Because of an open window , they tried to kick us out . What kind of a joke is it to kick seven guys out on the street in a foreign country ? When we got to the apartment , we tried to talk to him but after half an hour of persuasion I saw that he really enjoyed lording his authority over us . He stood with a smile on his face . I decided to tell him that I think that if we were from Sweden or Denmark , this situation wouldn 't have happened . At the height of his stupidity , he agreed and told us he was a Nazi and did not care about us at all . We asked him to call the police . Instead he called his criminal friends to come and threaten us . One of them even wanted to escort us to our car . When we did , the entire neighborhood came to see us humiliated and even enjoyed it . We asked him why he was doing this , and he said because men like us cannot be in such an area . I filmed the host 's son and my friends and decided that we would not be silent about this humiliation . This was not the first time that this host had been given a review that claims she is giving a misleading representation of the area where she lives , as stated on her profile . In addition , it appears the basement room she has been renting out is in violation of several health and safety codes . I also found out from Airbnb that there is at least one other ongoing case against this host . My son was told by Airbnb to cancel his reservation and work with his host to get a refund . At first , the host seemed understanding of how my son felt , as a foreigner to the city . He spoke with her in person as he picked up his belongings on June 4th and later messaged her to thank her for her understanding , explaining the urgency of receiving a refund as he needed to find a new place to live . After this , his host never responded again . I tried calling her myself , leaving her a voicemail on June 5th . She never called me back . I starting calling Airbnb the next day . I was unable to speak to anyone in the United States for days . While the representatives in the Philippines were very friendly and tried to be as helpful as they could , they continued to tell me they " only have so much power " and that their requests to transfer my calls kept getting pushed back . I was told the only thing that they could do for me is message my son 's former case manager , who told him to cancel the reservation , and ask him to reach out to me . Not only did the case manager never reach out to me , but he was also " never online " the days I kept calling . When the representative from the Philippines , tried to reach out to the host on June 6th , the host told him she was " too tired and hungry " to deal with me , waiting at the other end of the line . The case manager then told me to fill out a form through the Resolution Center to ask for a refund , but warned me that I would have to wait for the host to respond or involve Airbnb after 72 hours of nonresponse . The host read the message from the Resolution Center immediately after I filled it out with the representative on the phone . She would never respond through the Resolution Center , instead messaging me privately . In this private message , she accused my son of discrimination , saying : " This is a vibrant neighborhood as I stated in my description . People who are not used to diversity and seeing so many people of color , often mistake that for crime . " As a proud Latino hailing originally from Miami , my son was deeply offended by this accusation . She ended by telling my son , " This is really horrible what you guys are doing . And this deeply concerns me that you are creating this when you are here to work for [ omitted ] , " leaving my son worried that she would go as far as to contact his place of work for feeling unsafe in her neighborhood and the room she rented out to him . After days of countless hours spent on the phone waiting to speak to a case manager in the United States , my case was finally taken over on June 8th . This new case manager promised to reach a resolution given the circumstances . My son desperately needed the money to find a new place to move . She promised to update me every day as to how the case was going . After Friday , her first day working on the case , she stopped answering . The last update we got from her was that the host was not answering her calls . I emailed her every day since and received no response . I called Airbnb on June 13th and they informed me the new manager was on leave , and so she had not been working on my son 's case . I then spoke to another case manager who told me the only person who could do anything was the one on leave , so I would have to wait until she came back on June 15th to revisit the case . He was extremely apologetic and even admitted that he would issue me a refund alone based on how my son was treated by the host . On June 15th , it will have been twelve days since Airbnb has continued to put off my son 's case . Airbnb has yet to acknowledge their host 's inappropriate behavior that goes against their mission to promote diversity and inclusion , has yet to speak to the host , who continues to ignore their calls and continues to be active on their site , and has yet to tell me anything other than " they have no power . " Posted on June 13 , 2017 I tried to open a resolution case on the Airbnb website . It was really challenging so I 'm just writing this long email to Airbnb . I think the part of my user experience differed from that four years ago . I started using Airbnb back when you could reach a live person about your problems ; nowadays , it trys to automate everything . However , I am writing about my stay in Hong Kong , during which time I was overseas so it was difficult to call Airbnb . I was contacted by a local Airbnb resolution center specialist but it was handled really poorly . The room itself was horrible . It looked nothing like the pictures . In fact , I have pictures to prove what the actual living conditions were ( will reply to any email with the pictures ) . I landed in Hong Kong on April 6th . I was pretty jet lagged so just booked a place and fell asleep . The second day while I was in the city touring around , the owner moved my luggage into a different room . It was slightly bigger ; however , there was a sewage problem with the bathroom ( not to mention the fact she moved my stuff and suitcase and entered my room without permission ) . I was pretty upset , but still jetlagged . I decided to just go to bed . In the middle of the night , I woke up from the unbearable odor from the bathroom . It was so strong and the room was tiny , with no window for ventilation . I was very upset and called Airbnb for help . Someone picked up the call and promised he would " call me back soon . " He asked me to " find a cafeteria or some place , wait for his call , and try to book a hotel : Airbnb would reimburse me . " It was 2 : 00 AM at the time , and I had to leave and try to find another hotel . Nothing online allowed same - night bookings ( in fact , I accidentally booked something for April 9th and was charged on booking . com even though I was supposed to fly out of Hong Kong the afternoon of the 9th ) . Finally it was 3 : 30 AM . I took an Uber and found a hotel to sleep in . The whole experience was horrible . The next morning , someone from the local Hong Kong team finally contacted me , I couldn 't talk to her for long because I needed to check out of that hotel and try to catch my flight . I told her I would " reach out and resolve this once I can settle down . " She went ahead and cancelled my resolution case . Right now , I am asking for a formal resolution process to start . Due to the unresponsiveness of Airbnb as well as false advertisement of this " hostel " trying to be a house , I lost my valuable travel time in Hong Kong , spent money on Uber both ways , booked a hotel at 3 : 30 AM , and had to spend 30 minutes on international calling . Overall , my experience of Airbnb in Asia was just a much lower standard when compared to that in the US . |
When I first moved to Galata , I knew I was home . I had already lived in Istanbul since 1998 , moving from Buyuksehir to Sirinevler , Tarabya , and the Koc University campus beyond Sariyer . I had a car when I lived out at Koc , but I was always going into town and was tired of living in somewhat of a gated community , beautiful as it was . I went back to my job as director of English Time and my office was on Istiklal Caddesi , so I started to look at places in Galata . Galata is a very old district . It is above Karakoy , where the sailors would go , and thus above the brothels . However , Galata traditionally was full of tavernas run by Greeks or Armenians . It was where the Muslims went out to play , the entertainment district of the time . However , when I lived in Galata , most of the non Turks had left and had been supplanted by many Black Sea families . A few artists had rented places there because it was so cheap , but of course once the bohemians discover a place , the cool people come in next . It becomes expensive and takes on airs . I much preferred the Galata neighbourhood to the tourist overrun area of interest . I am glad I moved there when I did , and these various homes covered a time of great change in the ' hood . First I looked at a few places with the muhtar , traditionally the village head , but in the city a minor bureaucrat . Most muhtars profit from their small positions , mostly in real estate . When my friend and I were outside his tiny office on Kuledibe Sokak , an old man nearby said in Turkish that Sayim Bey did not speak English . I told the man that we were speaking Turkish now and it would not be a problem . Kind of funny . A friend of a friend from Koc knew someone who was renovating two places in Galata , so off I went to look . One was on Luleci Hendek , the very top floor , probably illegal , of an art deco era building . The ceilings were low and the climb was high . The next one was up the hill closer to the tower . That was my place . It was on the fifth floor with another add - on floor above it . There was access to the terrace on the main floor and on another bigger terrace on the top floor . The view was fabulous , from the Sulemaniye Cami to the first bridge . I could see the Princes Islands and sometimes even snow - topped Uludag . My bedroom took up the whole second floor , though there was a small bedroom I did not use . From my bed I could look up at the Galata Tower and then across the room the other way to Asia . OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA However , that place had the landlady from hell and we were in court about it for seven years . I rode that roller coaster as I learned a lot about the court system in Turkey . At least they moved from manual typewriters to computers over the many months that I attended court . Eventually I won a settlement from her , but of course it did not cover what I had spent . Anyway . One of my most poignant memories related to this is one day in August when things fell apart . The woman had ordered the renovation work to be stopped and it was rainy , so water dripped down the beautiful new stairs and into the new kitchen . I finally got pissed and had the work finished so I could use the space . In the meantime , she had the court evict me . One day I could not take it any more and started crying , strong Molly who rarely cries . My friend Cevdet was taken aback and patted me , assuring me it would be ok . I walked out onto the terrace and looked over at the Golden Horn , which was covered by cloud . Then hundreds of leylek , the storks , starting flying out of the cloud and up the Bosporus . They just kept coming and coming . Since they bring luck , I was heartened , though luck can be widely interpreted … I lived in several different places around Galata . After the heaven and hell house , I moved to a recently renovated flat on Luleci Hendek . It was in a building that had been designed by a Greek architect and probably originally occupied by Greeks . It was the Papadapoulos Apartaman . I lived in a small flat at the front , so I could see across the Golden Horn to the old city . I could also look down into the courtyard of San Benwa ( Saint Benoit ) , one of the several French schools in Istanbul . The most memorable event from there was watching the men cut up a steer they had butchered in the courtyard for Kurban Bayram , the Feast of the Sacrifice . Since it was a holiday , I was cleaning my place and when I was flipping my carpets from the balcony , I looked down and saw that they had just ' cut ' the animal . This is done by a man who has been designated for this task and it is done with a prayer and respect . Once it was done , the men opened the hide and it became sort of a tarp as they worked . They cut it all up and gave some away , as is the custom , and were all finished in about six hours . It was not as gory as I had expected and it was certainly interesting . The flat had nice wood floors and the bathroom included a big jacuzzi , which did not work very well in the winter since the water heater was limited . The renovations had uncovered some frescos and it was generally a nice flat . However , I was not happy there , so when another flat came up , I gave my notice . The next place was closer to the square and also near Sishane on a short side street . It was on the third floor of a building owned under suspicious circumstances by an old turkish lawyer . Apparently it had been owned by an old Maltese woman , Nellie . A friend of mine knew her and told me some of the details . The lawyer had her adopt him , promising to take care of her in her old age , which he did not do . Part of the ownership was still in her family , though it was not clear where they were . Someone from England came by one day but I was not home and the shop keeper could not speak English , so it remained a mystery . At any rate , the lawyer had not taken very good care of the place , which in a way preserved it . It had many art deco details in the door frames and the floors were still wood . There was no heat , so I got an electric heater for the bathroom and one soba ( gas heater ) for the living room There was also no hot water , so I got a heater for the shower , though it did not get as far as the little kitchen . Muellif Sokak is very short . It is maybe 100 meters long from the bigger street leading straight to the graceful municipal building , curving around to the V where it meets the downhill street . On the corner is a tiny park , maybe five meters across . My house had a cumba ( joomba ) , which is an alcove in the living room which overlooks the street . From there I could lean on the windowsill and see what was happening in this small neighbourhood . I think because it was so small , I paid more attention to some of the details , instead of passing them by as I would on a busy street . In the summer I often came home to find the lighting shop owner sitting across the street at a little table playing tavlis , backgammon . He offered to teach me how to play , but I never took him up on the offer . He played with people who worked in other shops or offices around or with friends who stopped by . This same shopkeeper and his sister took care of the street cats who lived in the neighbourhood . Other people gave them crunchies from time to time . At night I often threw down chunks of old cheese - manna from heaven for the cats . There was a flow of cats . There was one older black cat who had sired most of the young ones . The remaining mother at this time was a calico . Her offspring had kittens this spring but she died in the process . Various people took care of the kittens , but some did not make it and some were given away . A very sweet white cat , Pamuk ( cotton ) died around then , probably from something it ate . Its brother had had its foot run over , so the shopkeepers were taking care of him . Sometimes other cats came around and there was then a show of territoriality and sometimes the shopkeepers shooed them away . Most of the cats were friendly and are not scaredy cats like most street cats . From my room there was a wonderful view of the Golden Horn , where I saw people sculling and some small airplane races . I could also look across to a parking garage and then over to the terrace of a building . In fact , one night I heard someone begging , ' yeter abi , yeter ' , enough , bro , enough . I did not make much of it and just turned over and went back to sleep . In the morning I was using my binoculars to look at the boat activity on the Horn and when I panned to the terrace across the way , I saw some plain clothes police holding up some bloody clothes . Someone had been murdered and I may have been sort of a witness . My friend told me to ignore it , as it was not a good idea to get mixed up with the police . At the time we were making a learn English video , so I let the crew come to film one of the ' dramas ' at my place . That was a mistake , as it left the place in chaos for a few days and caused a little damage . I had to struggle to get some money out of the studio for that . However , all good things must pass , and the lawyer sold the building to a Cypriot who started to renovate it . I was disappointed , as the Cypriot was a photographer and I though he would respect the place more . He divided each flat into two , with the idea that it might be an apartotel , but apparently he had a disagreement with his partner and for a few years the place stayed empty . From there I moved to a large flat on Camekan Sokak . I wrote a blog about this street ( mollyscafeistanbul . wordpress . com / 2010 / 08 / 06 / mollys - cafe - camekan - sokak - a - short - history / ) . The landlord owned a small lighting shop a few streets over , so when I went to pay my rent I learned various things about the flat . His father had owned it for 35 years . At one point it had been rented out to 30 Syrians he called them , though it was not clear that they were from Syria . At any rate , all these men crammed into the flat , perhaps taking turns sleeping . The rent for this flat was quite a bit more , but I rented out some of the bedrooms . I had sort of a a suite at the front , so I had my own salon and bedroom that were private . There was another salon at the other end of the flat . There wasn 't much of a view , but from my suite I could look down on the street . In fact , that sort of led to me opening the cafe , but that is another story . I had some nice flatmates and some weird ones . The nice ones included Deniz , an American Turk that I knew from parties . There was also Mareike , a Dutch woman who was going to grad school . She came to look at it with her mother , who liked my textiles . My son lived with me there for a few months , trying to work as a fix - it man . Then there were a couple of weird ones . One girl was very depressive who became sort of friends with another weird girl , Hale . Hale had not been there for even three days when she brought home some strange guy who was there while she was working . He made us uncomfortable and I told her he had to go . In fact , eventually I told her she had to go . And then finally I told depression girl that she had to move because I was moving out . There was a great terrace on that building . In fact there were two . The nicer one had been taken over by a German Turk who rented out flats in the building and he did not want us hoi polloi to use it . It had a great view of the Bosporus and the Asian side . The undeveloped terrace had a view of the old city . Traditionally terraces had washing rooms for the women to use and then they would hang their clothes out to dry up there . Terraces are usually for all the residents in the building . At any rate , we had a few nice parties up there . In fact , the biggest house party I ever had was in that flat . There were a whole lot of people I did not know , which was a little distressing . One guy was a thin rat - faced man who worked in the basement of the building doing something , I don 't know what . At any rate , he showed up and got blasted and two different friends walked in to the bathroom to find him pissing in the shower . That was the last big house party I had there or anywhere else . I took Deniz with me to a new flat around the corner . It was owned by a blonde Russian Kazakh woman who was married to an older Turkish man who had worked in Kazakhstan . The flat had been renovated by the person they bought from . Two bedrooms had been made into one , so one of the doors was a big window into the entrance room . The other bedroom had its own bathroom with a custom made long tub . The floors in the flat were original wood , as were the doors . The living room had a juliet balcony just big enough for a chair . It also had a raised dais for cushions , which was sort of a la turca . By then I had opened the cafe and I definitely did not have any parties there . Deniz told me she was moving into a flat her parents owned , so I decided to move too . And a here a little cat story . By then I had taken on Oscar , a little white cat . I took him to the cafe every morning and carried him home at night . Soon I would just open the door and Oscar would raun down the stairs and out to the street . He would turn up at the cafe when he felt like it . And a neighbour story . The guy across the hall was a slimeball . He and his brother had inherited the flat from their mother when she died . The brother was retarded and the slimeball was supposed to take care of him , but was not very good at it . This guy was a driver for prostitutes who were on call . One evening about 11 o ' clock he knocked on my door with another slimeball in tow . The guy wanted to make a movied and wanted to look at my place . I told him I was not interested , epeciallly since I had my doubts about what kind of movie it would have been . My last flat was on Tatar bey Sokak , which brought me full circle . It was not all that old , probably from the 80s . At one time the building had been a han where there were workshops of various kinds , but the owner had converted it into flats . I had a balcony and a large living room , as well as a small front bedroom and a windowless bedroom in the middle . Since at the point I had not planned on having flat mates , I had my bed in the living room From the balcony I could look down into the cami 's garden , which made it easy to imagine how at one time that hillside was all orchards . I could also look across to the old city , across the Bosporus , and the other way over to Cihangir . I lived there for a few years , along the way collecting the odd flat mate , one of whom took it over when I left . Here is a story from that flat . I awoke one night to hear some slaps and thumps and a woman crying upstairs . I could not go back to sleep this time . Finally I went upstairs and pounded on the door . When it opened , a little guy poked his head out and said ' I am here ' in English . I was fairly pissed by this time and was probably quie a sight , a middle - aged woman in her robe in the middle of the night . I told them that if they did not stop , I would call the police . This was all in English , since I was too mad to speak in Turkish . They understood ' police ' very well . In amongst this the man who lived across the hall opened his door to see what was going on . I huffed off back to bed and that was the end of it . My real last flat was when I returned to Istanbul for a year . It was quite bare because I had shipped my things to Canada and for that year they were in my nephew 's basement . This flat was across from my cafe , which was a mixed blessing . The landlady was a character . She fawned . She was probably a gypsy , as she was smoothly brown and had some gold teeth . The tea man up the street told me that she had been a whore , which did not surprise me . I saw her flirt and fawn with Cevdet - the Turkish equivalent of ' oh , realllly ? We had some issues with how I could pay my rent , as she cancelled her bank account , which meant she would come by the cafe to get her rent . Things became a little unpleasant , as I had little time to deal with this silly old woman . She wanted me to move out , which she couldn 't make me do , but I moved out anyway . I was not fond of that flat , as the whole street had weird vibes . I also got to see a lot of flats in Galata because I would translate for my realtor friend Sait when he had foreign customers . It was interesting to go inside these buildings right on the square or on side streets . And of course when I was looking to rent or even buy , I saw many places . Some were offices that had been flats , some were awfully ( read : village ) furnished , some were dumps , some had already been renovated or restored . This was when Galata was starting to get cool . Again . The pharmacy I go to is just beyond Tunel Square , part of the Narli Han . It has been there for 60 years and now the upper shelves are lined with old brown bottles once used for dispensing medicine . It is run by three pharmacists , two of whom are in at least their 60s . One has quite taken to me and when I walk in his faces brightens , and he touches his finger to his heart to mean I touch his heart . I think it is mostly meant as a sweet joke and I treat it as such . The shelves are stocked with all the modern - day products that people need - medicine , shampoo , ointments , and so forth . In Turkey you can get a lot of medicines over the counter that you would not be able to get in North America without a doctor 's prescription . This is partly because many people cannot afford to go to a doctor , so the pharmacists become a sort of general practitioner for minor ailments . One time I went in because I had a corn . I didn 't know what the word was , so drew a picture ( now I know the word - nasir , sounds sort of like misir , which is the word for the corn we eat ) . The pharmacist gave me a choice of a product in a box , a kind of plaster , or their own product . I went for theirs . He gave me a brown bottle with some strong - smelling goop in it . He showed me how I needed to take the fluff off a cotton swab , dip the stick in the bottle , and dab it on my corn . He said to do it twice a day for three days and then the corn would fall off . When the goop was applied , it turned a turquoise blue . It really did work . They gave me another little brown bottle at another time for athlete 's foot . It looked and smelled like iodine and was meant to kill the fungus . It worked too . The most interesting visit was when I went in with a sore toe , possibly an ingrown toenail ( you are learning all about my foot ailments here ! ) . My toe was a little swollen and sore . The pharmacist was busy changing the roll on the machine , so he told me to sit . Then several customers came in , so I had a chance to sit and watch the flow . Lots of foreigners go in there , as it is on Istiklal Caddesi and they are usually on their way somewhere . They usually needed something for colds or other minor illnesses . I looked into the back room , where once upon a time they prepared their medicines , and probably still do . The pharmacist went in there and brought out a biggish brown bottle and a cotton swab . When he set it on the counter , the young assistant sniffed at it and made a suggestion . The pharmacist returned to me and dabbed the stuff on my toe , twice . He then put some cream on it . I was amused by the attention , especially since there was a young man and his girlfriend in the tiny office , probably the son of the third pharmacist . He didn 't know I am a regular , and was kind of cool , though by the end he also was smiling . This was an interesting experience , one of many little adventures I have in my dear Istanbul . Recently my daughter was on jury duty in the US and asked me if Turkey had the same system . No , it doesn 't . This is partly because the law is not based on the Magna Carta , which traditional English law is based on . Turks proudly say that their law is based on the Swiss Code , but mostly I am not sure what that means . One thing that it means , however , is that there is not a jury system . The decisions are made by a judge . Sometimes there might be another expert involved . Today the decision on my case was given by a single judge , which is not so different from when I was in court in the US dealing with custody . Also , a jury system like in the US means that citizens are registered and easily tracked , which is definitely not the case in Turkey . Today we went to a court house built in the late 1800s during the late Ottoman times . In fact , the building was a collection of buildings , now with a freeway bridge roaring above it . Our court was in B Blok , which was where the icra ( eejra ) cases were dealt with . I had been there one time before , when this whole court stuff started . At that time I had to reply within seven days to a sort of summons issued by my landlady 's lawyer . Then I went into a shabby room full of pink files and ancient desks . The clerk at one desk lifted up an old typewriter to type my reply , once she had ascertained that I more or less understood Turkish . This time the hearing was in a room at the end of a long somewhat shabby hallway , full of people waiting or hurrying from room to room . There were two " salons " for hearings , though only one was being used . A typed list of the cases was posted outside our salon . Our case was due to be heard at 11 : 00 - along with about 30 others . We ended up waiting for about 2 hours , so that gave me a lot of time to look around . First of all , the lawyers all wore gowns . The cuffs were green satin , about 5 or 6 inches wide , and they had stand - up red collars . The gowns themselves were black . When I was outside smoking a cigarette , I noticed that a lot of lawyers went to an office window in that area and handed in their robes , so apparently many of them did not own their own . I noticed at the end that my lawyer had his own robe with his name embroidered on the yoke inside it . Under the robes , lawyers wore all sorts of things . Some wore suits , women mostly wore pants , and one guy looked like he was just off campus with black jeans and a sweater . Many of the lawyers were quite young . My lawyer is about 60 , so he was one of the older ones . The hallway was quite crowded with people waiting for their cases to be heard . They were women in headscarves , men in sweaters and suit jackets , grizzled men , businessmen , and some middle class people . I was a little out of place there because it was obvious that I was a foreigner , though people did not pay much attention to me . The salon was not very big . It was about the size of a normal livingroom . There were a few chairs along the back wall and along one side wall , where lawyers sat waiting for their cases . Above the judge 's bench was a large drawing of Ataturk , the founder of modern Turkey . I imagine it is required , as it is required in all classrooms . The court system supports the Kemalist ideals of secularism , and it was Ataturk who introduced the Swiss law code to Turkey . In the middle of this not very large room were two tables with benches behind them for the plaintiff and defendant ( or whatever they are called in a hearing ) . The lawyer for one side stood at one table and the lawyer for the other stood at the other . If the client was there ( like I was ) , of course she stood beside her lawyer . A man was coming and going from the salon to the list beside the door . He did not wear a uniform and in fact looked rather shabby . I finally realized that he was the memur , the clerk who called the next case or crossed it off the list if the lawyer had not shown up . He wasn 't dressed much better than a lot of the people coming to have their cases heard . He wore two shirts under his suit jacket , which had seen better days long ago . One shirt 's collar was twisted under the jacket collar . His pants were baggy and a little long and his shoes were scuffed . The man was balding and the rest of his hair was a little shaggy . He had quite Asian features , with the epicanthic fold and high cheekbones . His Mongol roots were very strong . He looked both harried and cowed . In the courtroom he would hand up papers to the judge as they were submitted by the plaintiffs or defendants . Except for calling people into the room , he did not say anything . The judge , a woman , wore a red gown with a stand - up collar . She was sitting at a high desk at the front of the room . On this desk was a computer monitor , but I didn 't see anyone use it . In front of her was a woman at a desk with a manual typewriter , who pounded away on it at great speed . The judge would dictate her statement , which the clerk would type up immediately . While I watched , the judge smothered three or four yawns . I was afraid that she would take a lunch break just before our case , but luckily that was not so . Finally my case came up . It was actually Funda 's lawyer on the list , though he did not show up . Instead , he sent a young woman . I don 't imagine he thought anything would really happen today so why waste his time . We walked in and stood behind the table on the right . Turgay Bey , my lawyer , explained that he had opened a case that would be heard in March . He also explained a little bit of our case . The young woman lawyer said something about it too . The judge asked if we were going to dispense with the other case that was due to be heard on Thursday ( my landlady is a nutcase ) , and both sides agreed . In fact , the other lawyer had made a mistake by filing it , because you can 't open two cases related to each other , apparently . During this process , which took about 5 minutes or less , I stood and tried to look like I was listening with intelligence and comprehension . Then it was over . We will go back for our case on March 13 and for this case on March 17 . If we win our case , then this case will be dismissed . So , that was my law adventure . It was pretty boring , but it was interesting to compare it with courts in the US . The system is quite backlogged , but there seems to be a way to get through it , mostly through postponements . The equipment , like the manual typewriters , is quite old and hard used . There are piles and piles of mauve files in all the rooms I saw into . One place in the hallway was wider and in it were tables and chairs filled by people working hard on the files . Some of them wore robes , so perhaps it was for the lawyers . The more personal part of the story is that basically my house is still in limbo . However , after the New Year , I plan on doing something to the upstairs to make it useable . That is what I wanted when I took this place , and by golly , that is what I am going to get . It won 't be deluxe , but it will be my big room with my pretty coloured windows and the wonderful terrace with the view . This whole thing is stupid and has just generated major ill will and earnings for the lawyers . However , I will prevail - and I will keep you posted . These endless and many cases lasted for seven years . Unlike the U . S . system , if the lawyer does not show up , another date is given for another try . By the time the cases were petering out , the court typist was using a computer and there were monitors on the lawyers ' tables so they could check what she was writing . There was no court recorder writing down what everyone was saying . Instead , the judge instructed the court recorder what to write . That document was printed out and taken with us . I also went to criminal court as a witness for Cevdet , the contractor . Funda had decided to charge him with stealing the roof tiles . She had sent her own men to do the roof with the wavy panels evven though the roof tiles were already there . Cevdet took them back and we used the money elsewhere in the flat . He brought a businessman in a suit who owned the store where Cevdet had bought and returned the tiles . It was also useful that he was on the Beyoglu city council . In this case , there was one active judge and one savci , who was like a backup judge . I testified that Cevdet had not stolen the tiles . Outside , our lawyer , Taner , strongly pointed out to a workman who was going to testify for Funda that perjury was a serious crime . Taner basically took the wind out of her sails , thank goodness . And I changed lawyers . The old lawyer had cheated me by keeping some of my money and the new lawyers were on the ball . Ultimately I won a small settlement , which I used to open my cafe . It was a cultural experience I could have done without , but such is life . Posted on January 7 , 2016 by mollyscafeistanbul For me , my blog is totally egoist . I write things to share and there it is ready to be read . I think I have two or three readers so far . Because I am an educated person , I have done many kinds of writing - academic papers , presentations , shopping lists , journals . letters . My blog is more for me than anyone else , but at the same time I am pleased if someone reads and likes or thinks about something I have posted . The topics are random , but a lot are stories I want to tell . I am not a wordsmith . I have been fortunate in having been able to share time with many other wordsmiths - John Ash , Mel Kenne , Jeff Kahrs , Julie Doxsee and so many more . I know they work on their writing , tune it and turn it . I just write and if I occasionally come up with a nice turn of phrase , I am pleased . I was thinking about writing in general . Animals mark their territories and we humans do also . However , since I believe we as a species fear death , we want our marks to last forever . There is a sanctity about the written word . Certainly archaeologists are happy to find writing , even if it is an inventory list from ancient times . Once something is written , it seems that it is indeed written in stone . It is almost sacrilege to throw out books , even crappy ones . That is partly because they have been made from such industry for so long , even though now they are printed by the millions , many as basically throw away books ( paperbacks for travelling comes to mind , though now I suppose it would be a kindle for many people ) . I have kept a journal since I was about 14 . My first ex husband threw away the two years of journals that we were together but other than that , I have a box of them . I rarely read any old ones , though I might read back in the one I am currently writing in . I am not sure if I will ever read any of them again but I keep them . I told my daughter that when I die , she can just throw them out , though I may do that myself if I know when I am dying . The journals are not logs so much as exploration of the emotions I am feeling strongly at the time . Of course many of them are about love , some about loneliness , anger , thoughts and reporting of events of the time . They are about me . When I first started to live abroad , I wrote group letters . Unfortunately , the ones from Japan are long gone . A few from Turkey have gone astray , but I still have several . It is interesting to read the enthusiasm and wonder as I tell about places and people . That kind of went away as life just became normal . My writing style is probably more stream of consciousness . I rarely fine tune it much , though I do let something settle before I put it on the blog . I have seen some things recently that my father wrote and I would say I write like him only better . I used to teach academic writing , which of course is different from other writing , but I have realized that I don 't often take my teacherly advice regarding transitions and other devices . My aunt recently sent me a copy of her version of a memoir , which I found very interesting . She is a Zen teacher , so it was good to see how she explained getting into it . When I called to tell her I had received it , I told her that my blog was my version of my memoirs . I feel it is important to share the stories I have written , to tell some new ones , and to explain some of the many photos I have . Luckily the days of putting people through the hell of slide shows are long past , so with a blog I can expose my stories and hope they are read . If they are not , so be it . The price is right ! And it is all about me anyway . Posted on January 7 , 2016 by mollyscafeistanbul Most of the people I know now probably are not aware that I have been married twice . My first husband 's name was Frank , or Franklin as he sometimes preferred . He was a draft dodger from Wichita Kansas . In the early 70s I hitchhiked everywhere , including around Toronto , where I was living and going to university . I met Frank when he gave me a lift . We hit it off and started seeing each other . We went on some trips , including Martha 's Vineyard , where his cousin lived . We stopped by Washington DC , where we were routed out of a park by baton wielding cops . Other trips were closer by , to Lake Erie or Niagara Falls . Soon I moved into the house on Westminster in Parkdale , where he lived with Keith and Woody Russell , also from Wichita . Keith was a deserter and Woody was a dodger . The other person in the house was Rick Friend , a shy plump Jewish man . I was never clear what his story was . He had some money , I knew that . At that house we smoked dope , dropped acid and went to the park , tried out macrobiotic diets - I once went on a cleansing diet of raw brown rice and lemon juice with cayenne . I ended it when Frank and I went out to steak dinner with some man he was cultivating for a job or work of some kind . I ended up with a terrible headache and we had to leave early . Frank was sort of a wheeler and dealer . In Wichita he had fallen in with some fake guru called Rukka , who also seemed to be a wheeler and dealer . I met him once when he came for a visit and I did not like him . What I really did not like is that Frank sent him money periodically . Frank got hired by Robin Hood to go around to markets to get their product on the shelves and displayed well . I learned that a face was the row of product and more faces was a good thing . I went to a couple of company dos but I was still a hippie chick and very naive , so those were not productive for Frank . Both sets of parents pressured us to get married and for some reason we gave in . I met Frank 's parents when they came up for a visit , a humble Polish couple who had immigrated to the U . S . He had had a granite business for some time but it had failed . At any rate , we got married at the office in the Old City Hall in Toronto . My grandmother Marney had suggested that I get a gold band from a pawnshop , which I did ( and in retrospect wonder how she knew to do that ) . Frank 's parents were not at the wedding . My parents , my aunt , and my sister were there , is all . From then on until we split up , I was known as Molly Hurysz ( sounds like whore - ish ) . Soon we were living in a townhouse in Woodstock . I had a small business that had been started when we were all in the house . I made iron - on decals that could be put on t - shirts . The designs included mandalas , logos ( the zigzag guy for example ) , simple designs . I drove to stores around the area to get shirts placed in stores and then delivered them . Then we were moved to Montreal . We rented a house on the edge of Ville Mont Royal , which at that time was a ' nice ' area . The house was a solid duplex with graceful elements . It was the nicest house I had lived in by then . I got a real job working as an expediter in an office that imported textiles , usually from the UK . I worked with a woman named Barbara , who I became friends with . There was a Hungarian man who had had tattoos crudely taken off his arms ( so I wondered if he had been a Nazi ) . One young flibbertigibbet girl often wore black bras under see - through white tops and would complain that the ( few ) men were looking . There was also a rather plain petite dishwater blonde of 19 who was having an affair with a married salesman from the office . Barbara 's partner was from Newfoundland . In those years you did not often meet a Newfie and Newfoundland seemed very remote . Barbara and shared an apartment with a woman , who called Barbara one day at work to tell her that he had come home and was throwing money all over the apartment . It turned out that he had robbed a nearby bank . He had handed the teller a note but did not take it back when he got the money ( about $ 5000 ) . The police found a message or phone number by rubbing the paper and tracked him down . He was sent to prison for a couple of years and was put to work on a train gang . Sometimes Barbara would smuggle windowpane acid in a paperback for him , though I can 't imagine taking acid in jail . One day I had had enough of Frank . We had been together for about two years . By then it was clear to me that he actually wanted someone else . He told me to lose weight , to get my teeth fixed . Perhaps I should take a conversation class to learn how to converse . He wanted me to shave my legs and had a razor in his hand to do it . I grabbed the razor and threw it at him , unfortunately missing him . Clearly I was not what he wanted . I went to Barbara 's with my bag and told her I had left Frank . She was delighted . I stayed with her for a while and then rented a room from a guy named Tom , who years later found me online and then sort of stalked me . In Canada at that time , couples who wished to divorce had to wait five years unless they proved adultery . Thus we both went off and lived our lives . By the time five years was up I had had two different boyfriends in Detroit and Phoenix . I moved back to Toronto to finish my BA and to get my divorce . That was the last time I saw Frank and I have no idea what has happened in his life since then . Tonight I heard a man yelling and a woman yelling back . I thought it was a boyfriend and girlfriend arguing on the street , as I could not hear the words but I could certainly hear the tone of voice . The man was very angry with the woman . They came up to the corner and I then understood that it was not a lover 's tiff - it was the tinerci woman . She has been around for about eight years , which is pretty long for a glue sniffer . She comes and goes . She used to live in the garden of the pasaj down the street , but then the residents in the surrounding buildings had the gate locked so she could not get in . For a while she was sleeping somewhere else , but she is back . She sleeps near the closed gate , where she has her blankets , and uses the space as her toilet . Last year when she was camped there , a guy who had a shop nearby took pity on her and gave her the occasional tea or cigarettes . However , one day the tinerci woman attacked his girlfriend . They went to the police to complain , but the first police sent them to another police , who sent them to another police and in the end nothing happened . Now instead of being kind to her , he chases her off . The man tonight was chasing her off too . I have no idea what she did , but he was one pissed off Turk . There are some workshops on that street and I suspect that she tried to go in or tried to steal something . He had a metal piece that he smacked on the wall to punctuate his words . He did not actually hit her but it was clear it crossed his mind . Nuri Bey , the tea guy , walked down from his place to try to calm things down until the man went back to his shop . However , the woman kept walking back down the street as if to taunt him . Finally things calmed down and she went mutteringly on her way . I have seen this woman on the streets for years . In the summer she is often walking barefoot . As you get down close to where you turn into the square from Galipdede Sokak , her bare feet are imprinted in the cement in front of the kepabci . Sometimes her hair is cut very short and occasionally it is dyed . It is hard to tell how old she is , but I think she is in her 40s . She is thin and dried out . There used to be a young man , also a glue sniffer , of about 25 or 30 who hung around with her , but I heard recently that he died . He stopped by my cafe one rainy day to ask for a couple of garbage bags to wrap his blanket in but did not try to come into the cafe and was very polite . He reeked of glue when I got closer to him . The woman had asked the hotelier across the street if he thought I would give her money , but he told her no . She did stumble past the door one day and make the motion for a cup for tea , but I motioned for her to pass on . Most glue sniffers are much younger than this woman . I saw one last summer who was 18 or 20 , sitting on the step of the building across the street , sniffing out of his bag full of glue . He was in an animated conversation with an imaginary friend and also offered him a sniff from his bag . Most glue sniffers die young , so this woman must have started later in life . In fact this street used to be a hangout for glue sniffers . A man who has had a restaurant around the corner for 11 years told me that when he first opened , the leader of the glue sniffers liked him for some reason and kept the others away from him . They liked this street because there were a lot of derelict buildings that they could get into or where they could at least shelter on the steps . I remember once seeing a pack of about 10 of these young people coming out of the street . I kept my distance because they are famous for being violent . The glue melts their brain and they have no hope anyway , so it is best to keep away from them . These days there are a lot fewer glue sniffers around here . I don 't know if they have died off , been moved out , or collected for rehab ( unlikely ) . It is a sad sight to see . My grandmothers were gray - haired middle aged women when I started to be old enough to know them . Nana was a strongly opinionated petite woman who walked with a cane . Marney was a stout corset - wearing lady who had occasional flashes of humour or lapses of ladyhood . Now I am a grandmother , not petite and rather stout , gray hair , slower than before . Not only am I a grandmother , but I am also the baby caretaker . It is a lot of work ! Quin 's conversation leaves a bit to be desired , though it is fun to see him ' hoo , hoo ' and move his mouth around . It is not fun when he fusses , which is usually when he is hungry or fighting sleep . This is when it is hardest , for he prefers to be held and rocked . Usually this involves standing up and rocking or pacing . For a while it meant sitting on the Pilates ball and bouncing ( not my preferred method , as I was afraid of sliding off the ball ) . I am rediscovering muscles in my back and belly and arms that have not been used for a while . It also makes me realize why people have babies when they are young - they are flexible and strong . I find myself looking into Quin 's face and looking to see who he resembles . Does he lean to the Farkie side or the Stahlnecker side ? He seems to have some red in his hair , so that is definitely Farkie . He has a big head and that seems to me to be a Stahlnecker trait . He has eyes that may be green or brown , which is his own trait . I wonder what he will remember of me . I am with him for four days a week plus some extra times . In his infantile memory will he recall me holding him and humming meandering tunes ? That i shushed him to sleep ? Will he remember my smell , my voice , how I look ? I spend my days in conversation with a 5 month old . He greets me in the morning with a smile and then we go through our routines - rocking cuddle to a nap , fussiness till a bottle , burps , walks on nice days . He takes things in on the walks and people comment on him . Usually I run into people with dogs , so we stop to chat about dogs and babies . It is amazing to watch this little scientist work things out . He is still a little spastic , bobs his head around to look , but he grabs things with more and more confidence . He grabs his feet , which are still themselves grabbing things with their prehensile grasp . He seems to remember how things work on his bouncy chair but he is not bored with it yet . I wonder what kind of life he will have . I read a letter in Between Ourselves recently in which the mother was wondering how her child would survive the droughts and famines and wars that were surely coming . They have come , but probably not how we all imagined back then . They are much more pernicious . How will the world condition have progressed for better or worse by the time Quin is a young man ? And what will he be doing about it ? The poor child gets to hear me tunelessly humming and crooning to him . So far baa baa black sheep is his favourite , but I add in Christmas carols and even some opera . I suspect he will grow up to be as unable to carry a tune as his grandmother and mother . Lately he has been getting old MacDonald 's farm e i e i o , which gets his attention . I sing it low and slow and so it has become a lullaby . Recently I mentioned to one of my neighbours that I sing to Quin and she was surprised and charmed . These years it is unusual for a grandmother to take care of her grandchild on an almost daily basis . Several of Meadow 's friends with babies have expressed their envy . However , I could not do it indefinitely and I definitely could not do it if they had another child . My mother was far away from me and I never thought about her coming out to help me . My mother - in - law was too busy being shocked by me and could not understand how I mothered . When I was nursing Meadow , she asked how I knew she had had enough to eat . Because she stopped nursing . I was lucky because I had a real mothers group and we got together regularly with and without the children . We could share what we learned about taking care of our babies and children in lieu of grandmothers being close . Now it is a grandmother 's club . When my children were babies , I would take advantage of naps to do all the other things to run the household . I am not running a household so I don 't have to rush to do something . However , I try to help out in some ways , like folding laundry or sometimes taking out the garbage . I don 't want to be the kind of mother / mother in law that tries to take over , especially knowing that it would not be taken well . Life is slow with Quin . I have to always pay attention to him one way or another , so I find that even at home I listen for his giggles or sighs or complaints . I also find myself humming one of the many tuneless songs for him or I may stand and rock . When he is asleep I can knit or wash bottles but his naps are inconsistent for length . Sometimes I get him to sleep in my arms and when I put him down he opens his eyes and giggles . Other times he wakes up and complains . I want us to learn how I can put him down for a nap without him being in my arms first . Truly one of the joys of being the caretaker grammo is that I can actually pay attention to this baby . I have watched him learn to focus and he can predict when we play peekaboo games . I bring myself to a stop in order to do that . I am not trying to fit him into my busy schedule but instead I am fitting myself into his . Several times a day I ask him ' what do you want to do now ? ' I am much better at reading his crankiness , wanting food or sleep or a different activity . My back and arms are stronger , though they still ache some and my knees often could have better days . I feel like a grandmother . And of course I look like one because I am round and soft and have gray hair . Quin is now about to turn six months . Half a year . Amazing . Now I count half decades and he counts half years . He is a pleasant natured little person , still rather chunky . I am counting down to the time when I have to leave him and already I tear up . I am so glad for this time with him and also for being here for my dear daughter . My grandmothering in the future will be from a distance , as I was grandmothered , though a shorter distance . However , it does not diminish the love and I hope my dear Quin will remember that . |
When Adam got back to the house he put both of the slaves in the dungeon . Donny was bound on the bed and Aaron was in the bondage chair . He had to think and he couldn 't do that with the slaves in his face . Thankfully Brian had something to do that kept him away from home . He didn 't think he would get any thinking done with Brian asking questions . He knew one thing . He didn 't want a public reunion with Melvin . There were things that could be said that Adam didn 't need the general student body to hear about . There were things that could be said that he was sure he didn 't want to hear as well . So many things could go wrong with a public reunion . His head hurt just from thinking about it . He wasn 't stupid enough to believe that smile that had been on Melvin 's face when he 'd seen him at the stadium . Melvin had told Lisa that he 'd never loved him and never wanted to see him again . Adam knew that what he 'd said had to be the truth because he wasn 't under the effects of the potion when he 'd said those things . He could say anything he wanted about Adam now without the adverse effects the potion would have made him suffer . He sighed as he thought about that . Then he decided that he couldn 't make the slaves suffer because he was confused and scared . He went down to the basement and let Aaron out of the chair . He unbound Donny and told him to use the bathroom . Then he told Aaron that he was free until Brian came home . When Donny came out of the bathroom Adam restrained him on the bed . He didn 't use the fucking machine this time , though . He went upstairs to his room and sat on his bed to do some more thinking . He thought back to everything that had happened between him and Melvin from the rape to the day he 'd come home only to find that Melvin had cleared out everything that belonged to him and left him . Then he remembered that he 'd found the collar on the dresser in the bedroom that day . He sat up after that thought . He 'd seen the collar around Melvin 's neck . It was the same collar that Aaron and Donny wore around their necks . He got up and grabbed his keys . Then he unlocked his file cabinet and removed the box that held the third collar he 'd bought . It was still in the box . He didn 't understand how Melvin found the same collar . It had a lock on it . He didn 't know who had collared him . Was Melvin a slave to someone else ? That made him angry . Who would collar him ? Why would they do it ? He sat down at his desk and fired up his laptop . Then he went to his site and looked at the links page . There it was . On the links page was a picture of the collar that his slaves wore along with a link to the store he 'd purchased them from . His site email icon was spinning , alerting him that he had email . He clicked on it and found three from Melvin . He sat there and stared a the screen for a long moment before he clicked on the first one . The first only said that he needed to talk to him . There was an email address and a cell phone number . Adam searched the prefix and found that it was an Ohio cell phone . Then he read the second . Melvin wrote that he 'd been accepted at Statler - Mead and would be there at the beginning of the semester . The third said that he was there and wondering why Adam hadn 't answered any of his email . Adam sat there staring at the screen once again , thinking about what it meant that Melvin had sent three emails and obviously clicked on the site for the store where Adam had bought the collars for his slaves , ordered one and locked it around his neck . He didn 't know what to think of any of it . He was still sure that Melvin hated him for what he 'd done to him . In Melvin 's mind what Adam had done was likely so much worse than what Melvin had done to make Adam believe that he 'd deserved any of it . He was rocked by that thought and startled when there was a knock on his bedroom door . He got up and opened it to find Brian standing on the other side . " Currently ? " Adam asked as he stepped aside to allow Brian to enter his room . " I was just staring at three emails that Melvin sent me , and I 've been stuck on the fact that I saw a collar around his neck in the cafeteria and again at the stadium after the game . I didn 't put it around his neck . " " I don 't know , " Adam replied . " I suppose it 's possible , but I highly doubt it . Melvin was only my slave because he felt he deserved to be . " " Yes , " he said . " But Melvin knew his slavery would only last until he felt he 'd made up for what he 'd done . It was different with Melvin . He was no longer my slave after so long . We were lovers after that . When he left me he was no longer my slave . " Adam thought about that for a moment . He supposed he would feel at least safer at the house than in public with him if he said anything that someone might overhear . However he 'd feel safer physically if he kept the whole thing public where Melvin would be hesitant to do anything violent . It was a problem he had to figure out . After thinking about it for only a moment he made the decision to have Melvin come to the house . He got a response almost an instant later . Melvin wrote that he 'd be there after his lunch shift at two the next day . Adam turned off the laptop and followed Brian out of the bedroom . They collected Aaron and went to the dungeon . Adam released Donny from the restraints and told him to get up on his hands and knees . He rolled a condom over his hard dick and fucked Donny while thinking about the first time he 'd gotten Melvin to beg him to fuck him . Brian had gotten off in Aaron 's throat by the time Adam had gotten off . He stood up and took off the condom . Aaron accepted it and sucked his cum out of it . Then Adam had Donny use the bathroom one last time for the night before securing him in the bed again . He left him on his back with the plug in his ass . Then he took the chastity device off of Aaron and handed him a condom . He told him to masturbate and then suck his cum out of the condom when he was done . They stood and watched while he did this . Aaron would never have an orgasm that no one saw again . Adam went to bed that night and tossed and turned . He couldn 't get images of Melvin beating him to a pulp out of his head . Finally pure exhaustion won out and Adam fell asleep . He fell instantly into a dream of the images he 'd had trapped in his head before falling asleep . Over and over again Melvin punched him in the face , kicked him in the balls and raped him again . He woke up gasping and crying as the sun began to rise . Aaron knocked on his door only a moment later . He allowed him to come in and shower with him . Aaron washed him from head to toe and sucked his dick in the shower . Adam allowed all of this but he never stopped thinking about Melvin and his arrival at the house . Twenty minutes later he and Brian sat at the table across from each other as Donny served their food . Then Donny knelt on the floor by Adam 's chair and waited for his shake . Aaron came in and sat at the table with his own plate of food . They said nothing to each other until Aaron was taking the dishes away . " Don 't be , " Brian replied , smiling . " You 're going to be fine . Slave Melvin will be eating out of the palm of your hand shortly after he arrives . Trust me . " Adam wasn 't so sure about that . He set the slaves to cleaning the entire house and dungeon after that , stopping only to allow Aaron to make lunch . They ate in silence and then Aaron cleaned up before Brian took them both back to the dungeon , leaving Adam alone to await Melvin 's arrival . He didn 't have long to wait . Promptly at two Melvin knocked on the front door . Adam went and opened it and just stood there . He stood there looking at Melvin . He couldn 't believe he 'd had him come to the house . He didn 't know what to expect from him . Was he there to fight ? Was he there to accuse him ? He didn 't know . He just stood there for the longest time taking in the sight of him . Melvin had lost weight . He didn 't look as bulky as he had before . His blond hair was longer and shaggier . His blue eyes looked tired and worn as if he 'd lived a hard life since they 'd parted . Adam knew just looking at him that he was still in love with Melvin . His heart ached to touch him , to kiss him and hold him . " Adam , I needed to think about all of what had happened between us , " Melvin said . " I was confused and scared . I couldn 't figure out how I fell in love with you . I never realized that I was bisexual . I thought I was but then I thought it was just crazy because I never felt that way about a man . I never thought about a man in any sexual way . I 'm not attracted to men . I 've always been as straight as can be . Then there was you . I couldn 't figure out how it had happened . I still don 't understand . I 'm still very confused . " He got up and went into the kitchen . He took the vials of Aaron 's and Donny 's potion back to the living room with the book . He sat on the couch closer to Melvin this time and spread it all out on the coffee table in front of Melvin . Then he opened the book and to the page with the recipe for the potion and handed it to Melvin . He sat there and waited while Melvin read it all . " Yes , Melvin , " Adam said . " I give those to Aaron and Donny every day . It 's what makes them do what I tell them to do . " " Yes , " he said simply . " You said that you didn 't understand how I got you to do some of the things you did , things you said you 'd never have done . This is it . " " Yes , " Adam replied . " It started out as revenge for what you had done to me . Then I fell in love with you , and I was so convinced that you really loved me that I stopped giving you the potion . You left that very day . " " How did you know it would work ? " Melvin asked . " I know a lot of people who have copied spells out of books and tried to do things , but it never worked . How did you get it to work ? " " I don 't know really , " Adam admitted . " I took the spells from the books , but I changed them to personalize them . I concentrated so hard on them . Then I cast them . " " No , " Adam replied . " I cast one spell , and it cost my parents their lives . Killing them wasn 't what I cast the spell for , but I learned a valuable lesson with that spell . I cast it to get money so I could get away from you . Then they died and the insurance payment was the exact amount I 'd cast the spell for . " " So you got all of your money from a spell ? " Melvin asked . He was still calm , and Adam couldn 't figure out why . He 'd just admitted that he 'd been compelling him with a potion that made him do things he 'd never had done before he 'd been given it . " So what you 're telling me is that you made a charm bag to keep them from searching your room all the time , and to keep your stepfather from coming into your room and dragging you out by your hair , " Melvin said . It wasn 't a question so Adam waited for more . " Then you cast a spell to get seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars . Your mother and stepfather died in an accident that could have happened anyway , and you got the money from their insurance policies that they just happened to take out the day after you cast the money spell . Then your lawyer decided to sue the company the driver worked for and you got the rest of the money . " " That 's what I 'm telling you , " Adam said . " Now I 'll understand if you want nothing to do with me . All you have to do is get up and leave . I won 't try to stop you . I haven 't given you any potion . " " Yes , " Adam replied and began to cry . " I love you so much that it 's killing me to tell you all of this . I wanted you to stay with me , Melvin , but I don 't want you to stay because of a potion . I don 't think I could take it if that was why you stayed . " " It won 't be the only reason , " Melvin said . " Adam , I can 't sleep because I dream about you . I catch myself thinking about the things we did together before I left and I get so turned on that I 'm ashamed . I can 't masturbate or even have sex . I 've tried both . All I can think about is you fucking me and making me cum . I can 't understand how it really happened . You said the potion was responsible , and I guess it was for some of it , but I love you , Adam . I love you so much that I 've been lost without you . " Adam watched as Melvin plucked a few hairs from his head and then stood up . He went to the kitchen with the book and all of the vials of the potion . Adam followed him . He watched as Melvin read the recipe and then put all of the ingredients for the potion on the counter and stood back . He stared at Adam for a long moment and then placed the hairs he 'd plucked from his head on the counter with the ingredients . " I 'm showing you that I love you , Adam , " Melvin replied . " I want you to brew the potion and put my hair in it . I 'll drink it , Adam . I want you to see me drink it , knowing exactly what it is and what it does . I don 't care if you have control over me . I love you , and I want you . I want to be yours and I want to live here with you . This potion will let me do it . " Adam was stunned by this . It was far from the reaction that he 'd been expecting . He still couldn 't believe that he 'd shown Melvin the potion and book . He began to put the ingredients into a sauce pan on autopilot . He didn 't need the book to do this . He 'd done it so many times before . When the potion was bubbling he added Melvin 's hair and it turned red . He took it off the stove to let it cool . " It has to cool , " he told Melvin . " You can 't just drink the potion . It has to be added to something else in a smaller quantity . I have no idea what would happen if you just drank it straight . " Adam got a glass and filled it with water . Then he used a dropper to put nine drops of the potion into the water . He handed the glass to Melvin and stood there to wait and see what Melvin would do . He expected him to throw the water in his face and laugh at him , to tell him that he 'd never drink it in a million years and had been letting Adam think he 'd have what he wanted . Then he 'd start beating on him . That 's not what happened though . Melvin smiled at him and then drank the glass of water straight down . After that Adam called Brian and the slaves upstairs to discuss the new house slave and what the new rules were . He would call Melvin a slave , but he would never think of him as anything but his lover . Brian and Aaron sat at the table while Donny sat on the floor beside Adam 's chair . " Yes , " Adam replied . " Melvin 's status is above Aaron 's in that I am the only one who will touch him sexually or to punish him . Things will remain the way they have been with Aaron and Donny . " " I 'm saying I want this to be what it was , " Melvin said . " I want you to make me feel the way I felt when we were in that dorm room in Storyville , Adam . I want to feel wanted and desired . I want to be made to beg you to fuck me the way you used to make me beg . I want it all . " Adam looked at him for a long moment , saying nothing . It was like being given the keys to the castle . Everything he wanted was now right before him . Melvin was there , looking at him with those pleading blue eyes . Sure he looked a bit worn , but Adam could change that . He could change anything about him that he wanted , because Melvin had knowingly drank the potion that would allow Adam complete and utter control over him and every single piece of his life . Did he want things to go to what they had been ? With him in control all the time ? Could he control Melvin that way again ? He knew he could do it . It was a simple thing with the potion in his system , but he loved Melvin . Could he do those things to someone he loved even if that someone was asking him to do it all ? He supposed he could try . " Then you can have what you want , " Adam replied . " You can be my slave , Melvin . Just remember that I am in control . I won 't allow any other man or woman to touch you sexually or to punish you in any way . If you do something that angers Brian or any of the others they will come to me with it . I will punish you for anything you do wrong . " It wasn 't as simple as that though . Lisa called to find out what had been going on . She asked if Adam had talked to Melvin and when Adam told her that Melvin was in the process of moving in with him she went on and on about how that was a terrible idea . He was shocked by her outburst . He was so shocked that he just let her go on and on until she finally hung up on him . Then he had to get everyone ready because they were in town again . Pete called the following Saturday to tell him that they were on their way to the house . There was nothing really to do to get things ready other than to discuss the day 's events with Melvin . He gave him specific instructions on how to behave and what not to say to Pete and Lisa . Then he gave him the uniform he would wear for this visit . Melvin smirked at him when he handed him the black jock strap and t - shirt . There was no lettering on either . He wouldn 't match Aaron and Donny completely , but then he wasn 't supposed to . When they arrived , Adam was in for an even bigger shock . First he had to put up with Lisa questioning Melvin . He gave her all of the answers she asked for . They just weren 't the absolute truth . They were the careful instructed answers that Adam had given him . She never mentioned the potion . He was thankful for that because Brian was sitting in the room with them . He wasn 't worried so much about Aaron and Donny listening . They could be ordered to forget what they 'd heard . Brian was different . It wasn 't any of what was being said between them that shocked him so far . It was what she told him next that shocked Adam . " Your brother has called me every day to find out if I 've heard from you , " she snapped , glaring at Melvin . " I told him you were going to school here . He said he knew that , but he couldn 't get in touch with you . He says you turned off your cell phone and moved out of your apartment . He wants to know what 's going on . " " I told him I had no idea what was going on , " she snapped , glaring at Adam now . " This has got to sop . This isn 't just about you and Melvin anymore , Adam . Now I 'm lying to his brother . " " So don 't lie to his brother anymore , " Adam said calmly . The plan was forming in his mind as he spoke . Of course he 'd have to discuss this with Melvin , but that could happen when they were alone . " Don 't lie to him anymore , " he repeated . " Give me three days and Melvin will be on the website along with Aaron and Donny . Then you can tell him the truth . Melvin is my slave . He lives with me and nothing will change that . " That gave her pause . She just looked at him for a moment and then sighed . Pete put a hand on her shoulder , looking at Adam with a strange expression on his face . Adam didn 't know what that was all about . He was too busy trying to figure out what to say to Lisa without saying too much and giving Brian information he didn 't need . After all he had no plans to give the potion to Brian . He didn 't want to . Brian , Lisa and Pete were his friends . He didn 't want to compel them . " All right , " she sighed . " I 'm sorry . You just have to understand that it 's a little shocking to find him here . You were so devastated by his leaving that you moved to another state , Adam . " " Yes , and he followed me , " Adam pointed out . " He came back on his own , Lisa . Please believe me . I didn 't do anything to him . He came back and asked for things to go back to the way they were so we could be together . He loves me . " " Yes , " he said with a smile . " I was stupid , Lisa . I hurt him and myself by leaving him . I got him to take me back . Please don 't be mad . I won 't do it again . I 'm his . I 'm staying his . You don 't have to lie to my brother . He knew I was going to try to get Adam to take me back . I had a long conversation with him about what it would mean if he took me back . He wasn 't happy but he said he understood . " " Well I don 't know that he really understands , " she said . " He 's mad , Melvin . He says you went nuts or something . I don 't know what to tell him . " They stayed for dinner and it was tense . Then it was always tense when people knew things that he didn 't want them to . When they left to head back to Storyville they had been assured that he had everything well in hand . Of course he did . He always had things well in hand . Experience had taught him well . Later that night Aaron recorded Melvin 's speech for the site . Melvin had a few reservations about appearing in some of the ways that Adam had set up for him . In the end he did it , not because Adam ordered him to but because he explained why it was necessary . It was necessary for his brother and everyone else to see that Melvin was just like Aaron and Donny . So he got him all set up in the suspension rig and made sure he was hard . Aaron got photographs of that . Then he got him secured to the bondage horse and Aaron got pictures of that . Finally Adam had him on his knees , sucking his dick while Aaron got pictures of that as well . That was as far as Adam wanted to go with the site and Melvin . It took three days for Kyle Borlan to show up on their doorstep . He 'd called the house and talked to Melvin , demanded to talk to Melvin and only Melvin . Adam sat with him while he was on the phone with his brother . They 'd talked about what Adam would do if Kyle didn 't take this the right way . If he was a problem then he 'd be added to the household in one way or another . He looked so much like Melvin it was almost as if they were twins . Of course he was older than Melvin . He looked older . His head was shaved down to maybe a half inch of very blond hair all over it . His blue eyes were just a tad darker than Melvin 's , but Adam could tell that Kyle and Melvin were brothers . It was all waiting for him . Aaron , Donny and Melvin were all done up in their uniforms . Aaron was in his " Cum Dump " jock and t - shirt while Donny was dressed in his " Fuck Toy " jock and t - shirt . Melvin was in a plain black jock and t - shirt . Adam had given him no title . He was thinking about having " Alpha " printed on the jock and shirt the same way as " Cum Dump " and " Fuck Toy " were printed on Aaron and Donny 's . So far he hadn 't done it . The three of them were kneeling with their heads down along the side wall . Kyle followed Adam into the room and stopped short when he saw Melvin . Then he just stood there with disbelief stamped all over his face . Adam wondered what he was thinking , though he was sure he could probably guess . " No , he did it to himself , " Adam spat back . " He started this when he raped me . Did he tell you about that ? It was on the site . I assume you listened to his words when he told his story to the camera . That 's when this started . If you have to blame someone then blame Melvin . None of this would be happening if not for him and the other two . They started me down a road I didn 't even know existed . They taught me cruelty . One with his fists and the other with his dick . Then your brother did what he did and I accepted the fact that if I was ever going to have any peace in this world it would be by being in control . " Well I 'm in control now , " he said . " They relinquished control of their lives to me . First it was your brother . He was my slave almost the entire time we were in Storyville . Then he decided he was getting too fucked up by it all so he left . Then these two decided to submit . It blew me away , too . I didn 't understand it . Then I just accepted it . They 're mine . Melvin came back and now he 's mine again . You can either accept that or you can get the hell out of my house . " " And you let him do those things I saw him doing to you on the website ? " Kyle demanded of his brother now . " I watched you suck his dick , Melvin . You told me that you would never do that again . " " I 'm sure he meant it at the time , Kyle , " Adam said . " But he had a change of heart . You can either accept it or just write him off . You can be a part of his life if you accept his new life , or you can be another person who has written him off , just like your father wrote him off . " " No , " Adam replied . " I don 't beat him . I have never gone further than spanking his ass . I won 't beat him , and I won 't do half the things you saw me do to the other two on the site . Melvin is a slave , but he 's not like the other two . We 're in love with each other . I don 't love the other two . What I have with the other two is nowhere close to what I have with Melvin . " " Because I love him and I want him to do this to me , " Melvin said . " I can 't explain it all to you the way you want me to . All I can say to you is that I love him and I 'm happy . This is what I want , so can you please just accept it ? " " Do I have to see it ? " Kyle asked . " I mean I saw the website . Wasn 't that enough ? Do you have to be here on your knees dressed like that ? " " I am here , on my knees dressed like this because it is part of what I need , " Melvin said . " I need him to be in control . I want him to be in control . I love it when he 's in control . Do you have to see it ? Well I suppose not . We can visit each other with Adam 's permission in any way you want , I suppose . But if you are going to come here to this house , to Adam 's house then you have to accept that I am his slave . You have to show him the respect that he deserves as my Master and the man I love . " There was a longer discussion that Adam allowed to be had in private , away from Aaron and Donny . Brian still hadn 't come home so Adam wasn 't worried about him . Kyle basically asked the same question over and over again . He wanted to know why his brother needed this or even wanted this . He could accept the fact that he was in love with Adam . That wasn 't so hard for him to accept . He wasn 't their father . It took longer than Adam wanted , but Kyle left just before Brian came home that evening . Everything was fine . Kyle didn 't stay away though . He returned a lot that year . He was in their lives no matter what they might have wanted . Adam allowed Melvin to leave with his brother whenever he came to the house . He just wasn 't happy about it . However the potion would keep Melvin in line . Things were a bit bumpy for a while on the slave front as well . Aaron started asking Adam why he needed them when he had the man he loved . Adam reminded him that he would have Aaron and Donny for the rest of his life and told him not to ask him about it anymore . The potion made his words a command and Aaron never questioned it again . He was thankful for that . Melvin never said anything about being jealous when Adam fucked Donny or had Aaron suck his dick . He liked the fact that Brian was doing the same thing to them but not to him . Brian never treated Melvin like an equal , but he didn 't ignore him like he did Aaron and Donny either . He suggested another get together as soon as the temperature was good enough for a cook out . Melvin was a hit that day , but the other Masters were a bit put out by the rules regarding Melvin . He wasn 't to be touched sexually , ordered about or bothered in any way . He was Adam 's and Adam 's alone . It worked out . Things were never exactly easy while Adam , Melvin , Aaron and Brian were in school . Brian talked to Adam quite a lot about what he wanted to do when he graduated . He 'd discussed the sex toy store with him before , but Adam expanded on it quite a bit . He drew up his plans in a nice neat report that he gave to Brian three months before Brian would have graduated from the university with his degree in business . The plan was to have a massive store with a private section where shows could be put on . The store catered to all but specialized in the leather area of sex toys and equipment . The shows would be a draw for the leather crowd . Brian hired a likeminded friend to be the show director once the store was open . Of course Adam was his financial backer . They had to get so many different kinds of permits to sell their merchandise as well as to hold the shows . Donny and Brian were featured in one of those shows . Donny 's appearance was severely altered for the show , but Adam liked the changes so much he decided to make them permanent . His hair was cut short , almost buzzed off . They 'd had wrist cuffs fashioned for him that locked like the collar . For the show he had a thick metal band of a collar that was very uncomfortable for him . Adam had paid to have Donny 's nipples , nose and penis pierced . Thick metal rings were placed in his nipples , the head of his penis right through the meatus of his penis and through the center cartilage of his nose . They were permanent along with the tattoo of the words " Fuck Toy " on his ass cheeks . Donny was trussed up like the piece of meat he was . Aaron was worried for a while that they were going to do the same things to him . Then the night of the show was upon them and Aaron was even more afraid of what was coming . Donny was secured to a St . Andrew 's Cross , facing the cross . Then Brian whipped him from the back of his neck just across his shoulders down to his ass . He secured him facing out from the cross and applied plastic clothespins with a hemp cord running through them . Then he used a riding crop to swat Donny 's dick and balls . When he had Donny yelping and moaning he pulled the cord , yanking all of the clothespins off of him at once . Donny screamed from the pain of it . Then he secured him to a bondage horse and fucked him first with a dildo and then finally he fucked him properly while the gathered spectators cheered . The shows were like that a lot . There were various other scenarios portrayed for a paying crowd , but mostly they were like that . Brian and Donny were such a hit that they did six more shows together and not all of them were at The House of Adam . Adam had what he wanted with Donny . The man was broken and finally in his place . With Aaron it wasn 't about breaking him . It was always just about controlling him . When Adam graduated , Pete and Lisa came to the ceremony and party afterward . Kyle came to be there for his brother , but most shocking was that Aaron and Donny 's parents came to be there for him . Adam gave Aaron specific instructions on what to say and what not to say to them and then stayed away from them . Adam opened his own store six months after graduation . His was an occult store that sold everything from Tarot Cards to herbs , candles and crystals . He hired palm readers and tarot readers to read for the public . He hired an astrologist to cast charts for the public as well . He bought mostly handmade candles and home grown herbs that were harvested , dried and ground by local witches . They were successful and happy . But most importantly Adam was at peace . He and Melvin were only slave and Master in public . Behind the closed bedroom door they were lovers . It was nothing close to a conventional relationship . They were happy with what they had . Adam had the man he loved , his two slaves and more friends than he 'd ever had in his life . He 'd come such a long way from the quiet , abused young man who pumped gas and checked oil for the very kids that taunted him in high school . Now he was a confident , self - assured man . It was the way it was supposed to be . Please Donate to Nifty to keep the service alive ! I hope you enjoyed the chapter . See all of my stories at my Annex Site or my Authors Haunt Site . If you would like to be informed when I post a chapter or a story or discuss the story with other readers click here . |
Posted on May 28 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature finally came through for us . The weather here has been so damp and dank , with rain and unseasonably chilly temperatures for so long , I was beginning to fear that summer would never come . Our vacation was rapidly approaching and we had not made any plans yet , no destination in mind , we just knew that we did not want to stick around here for more misery . As the first vacation day approached , the weather forecast started looking a bit more promising with temperatures ranging in the eighties and lots of sunshine , so in the end we decided to stay here and go exploring locally . Our first day was a trip to Woodinville , for a day of wine tasting . Hey , I have my priorities . And yes , we tasted many nice wines and bought a few bottles . Our second day we included the dogs on our day trip . We drove over to Point Defiance on Puget Sound and let the dogs run around and play in the ocean . One day we did some yard work and finished our newly built and planted raised beds . We drove down to Olympia and went to Tumwater Falls Park . It was a bit of a disappointment , I was hoping for bigger falls and a longer hike , but that was not the reality . The falls were small and the trek around them was short , maybe a mile at most . We took a longer day trip with the dogs to the Green River Nature Area O ' Grady Trail and had a longer hike . The trail was partially a road access that could handle cars and trucks with offshoot trails that were dirt paths wide enough for a horse or single file hikers . The trails had nice carved wooden signs that not only showed where the trail went but also had a " you are here " notation on each so we could place ourselves on the trail and where in the area we wanted to go . We found a homemade Tic Tac Toe Board carved into a stump complete with rocks for markers . We hiked down to the Green River , saw how fast it was running and decided it was not a good idea to let the dogs go in . We would have to drive to Puget Sound to save them . To finish off our vacation , we decided to go kayaking . The dilemma was where ? We thought about Point Defiance Park and go kayaking in Puget Sound , but common sense won out . I had only been kayaking once before , on a nice calm lake where the boats had to have a motor no larger than fifteen horse power and Mitch has never been kayaking . Out here the sky is the limit , plus there is the tides to consider . We talked it out and decided a lake would be safer and a better first time experience . We checked on kayak rentals around Lake Washington and found one in Bellevue . We got there before the rental office opened , about thirty minutes early and found a line had already formed . We rented two single kayaks so we could each experience paddling and maneuvering our own kayak , plus I watched other people in double kayaks and most weren 't paddling in unison , one paddle would be up and one paddle would be down , the kayak going nowhere . The water was still very chilly , around sixty degrees or so , but the sky was clear no clouds for as far as the eye could see . We set off heading north crossing under the I - 90 bridge to run along the coast gawking at houses on the shore . Most were very large and new , but there were some older smaller homes tucked in between the larger estate homes . We watched the boats go up and down the main channel , a few smaller boats but most were larger vessels , suitable for the ocean and felt the wake of each one . I was glad we chose a lake to start on first . After about forty - five minutes we turned around and headed in the opposite direction to see what was on the other side of the bridge and farther south . We headed into the back of the cove and gawked at some more houses . We decided to call it a day and head back to the boat launch . We talked about how much we enjoyed this and as I headed toward the launch I made a comment about shopping for a kayak online . I got no response , so I looked around and couldn 't find Mitch . He was right there and then he was gone . I slowed my kayak and turned around to look for him and saw in the water about three hundred feet or so , his kayak flipped upside down . I looked next to his kayak and there was his head bobbing beside it . I paddled as fast I could and as I got closer , I could see him hanging on , so at least he was conscious . As I got close enough to talk to him , I asked what he did . He answered he didn 't know , not that succinctly but with more descriptive adjectives and adverbs . I asked if he was okay , but was not sure how I could help get the kayak righted without rolling myself , and not being that selfless , I didn 't offer to help right it . That 's what you get when you 're dealing with amateurs , dumb and dumber . Two guys and a little girl in a canoe came and offered help , but Mitch declined , saying he could make it to the launch . Another couple came up and offered assistance and again Mitch declined , I don 't know what he was thinking , that maybe AAA was going to show , or Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , Marriage , short story Tagged dogs , humor , labradors , short stories , spousal relationships , spring , vacation , women , writing 2 Comments Posted on May 26 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now become a full - fledged member of our family . You know how family acts together , no inhibitions , everything hangs out , farts , burps and language is much more casual , while a guest is on their best behavior . Dogs are the same way in a fashion . They tend to be more on guard , watchful and very polite . Now Royal knows for sure that he is here to stay and his quirks and " bad habits " have emerged . Not that he is bad by any figment of the imagination , he is really a pleasure to have , it 's just that now the other habits have emerged . Maybe some of it has to do with us being on vacation and together all week or maybe he has finally " let his hair down " . We were warned that Royal loves tennis balls to the extreme , and we would have to physically take it away from him or he would chew on it until it was destroyed , so we limit his ball time . On Monday , we drove over to Point Defiance Park to let the dogs get into Puget Sound for some swimming and romping around . Well , Royal knows what the water is good for , playing fetch with whatever is available to throw out in the water and he can retrieve . We didn 't think to take a tennis ball , so we looked for a stick . The first stick wasn 't big enough and Royal just chewed it up on the first throw . We searched around and found a small log , about two inches in diameter and about a foot long , and threw it out in the Sound for him . The log was pretty waterlogged , so Royal was able to chew it up a bit on each retrieve . Did I forget to mention that not only does he likes to go get whatever is thrown for him , but chews on it some is also a prerequisite . With each throw , Royal would destroy it bit by bit . Orso was not as interested in swimming around and playing fetch , he was more intrigued with everything else , the beach , the trees and all the people . He kept wandering off in search of something new , so I followed him up and down the beach to keep him from getting too close to other people and their dogs . Mitch was tasked with keepThis morning on our after - breakfast walk , Royal spotted some small animal poop on the side of the road , that some moronic dog owner didn 't bother picking up , leaving it for some unsuspecting walker , ( usually me ) to step in . He stuck his nose almost on it to give it a good sniff , then proceeded to drop down to roll his head in the poop . I caught on just as he was headed down and jerked the leashed and gave a rather loud " no " for five in the morning . His head hit the ground next to the poop , but thankfully he missed the pile . That was the first time he did the " Drop and Roll " on something , but I can see that I need to keep a watchful eye on him in the future . When we got home from the walk , Royal got a thorough face cleaning with a Clorox wipe . Posted on May 3 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now been here for a month and it 's like he has been with us forever . He is completely ensconced in our home and lives . He and Orso get along almost like they had been litter mates . Both are consummate couch potatoes with short bursts of energy , running side by side full steam nipping at each other , then dropping on the grass rolling around on their backs settling on their stomachs to watch what I 'm doing . There are no fights or tension , it is so pleasant , just two dogs that have the same temperament . A real breath of fresh air . Not to pretend Royal is perfect , he is not . He has no sense of personal space , getting right in my face wanting to lick me all over ( yuck ) . I 've seen what they put in their mouths . Try putting your shoes on and playing dodge ball with your head in an attempt to avoid dog kisses . I can bob and weave like a pro boxer now . He walks crooked , partly because of his hip dysplasia , which is quite annoying on our walks . He must walk on my right , won 't walk on the left , so I 'm left to walking in the middle of these two buffoons and Royal walks into my right leg pushing me into Orso . Then he crosses in front of me to go sniff and pee . After he is done sniffing and peeing , he crosses back to my right , but this time he crosses behind me . So I 'm constantly circling the leash around my head like a lasso . I am pretty sure the neighbors think I 'm nuts . What else is new ? We were told Royal gets along well with cats , but I 'm not so sure about that . He has gone ballistic barking and growling at the neighbor 's cat walking across the back fence . He chased that cat the length of the yard along the fence line and I don 't think it was to introduce himself to the neighborhood . He also has no fondness for squirrels . He wants one badly and I fear the day he and Orso outsmart one . Not that I love squirrels , I just don 't want to watch the bloodletting and subsequent visit to the vet . Bedtime means all of us in our bed . We lost that battle three dogs ago . Now we just accept the cramped sleeping space and constant dog hair . I keep the bed and pillows swathed in sheets to keep our faces free of dog hair and other dog parts . The top of the bed is no - man 's land , but under the comforter the sheets are dog free . Of course the added bodies make the bed hotter , so I keep a fan blowing on me year round . Poor Mitch has to sleep in his shorts , sweatpants , t - shirt and sweatshirt , plus in the winter he has two comforters on him , even with the dog body heat . I 'm glad we took the chance and brought him home , he is the perfect match for Orso . And I do get a kick out of walking two dogs that weigh right at a hundred pounds . You should see the faces of the people I walk by with their five pound dogs barking up a storm and mine are actually behaving . ( Of course when they don 't I look like a boat anchor dragging behind them ) . Just to show you I am not making it up , I have a picture of the two laying in the yard . Posted on April 8 , 2017 by susank456 Today we finally received Royal 's vet records and needless to say , they were very enlightening and confirmed a lot of what I suspected . We didn 't get a pig in a poke but , some of the " facts " told to us were maybe a bit misleading . Not that it would matter , because as soon as Royal crossed the threshold , he became a member of the family , here to stay for the rest of his life . The biggest fallacy was his age . I had thought Royal had led a rough life because he didn 't get around as well as Orso . His teeth are not in the best shape either for a " six - year - old " dog . One front fang is broken and the other fang is chipped , like a dog that has been living on the streets . We were told that Royal will be six years old this year , in actuality he will be nine years old this month . I guess they thought if someone knew his real age , Royal would become unadoptable . That makes him closer to Orso 's age now , who will be eleven years old in August . Another factoid we read was that in 2013 he was diagnosed with hip dysplasia . That explained the way Royal would go up and down stairs . At first we thought he had never been exposed to stairs . That was the case with AJ , our black lab . When we brought AJ home the first time , he had no idea how to go up or down stairs , we had to teach him . We thought it odd the way Royal would lie down , either on his side or if he was on his stomach , he would adjust himself so that his legs stick out behind him , like a puppy does . But no , Royal just has hip dysplasia , another check mark against someone wanting to adopt him . Good thing I bought a huge bucket of joint supplements . We had decided that Royal is a bit overweight , not having the stamina of Orso now two years his senior . But we know he is almost nine and has hip dysplasia , we can work on a better regimen , diet and exercise , to help him feel better . With the vet records in hand , we can work with our vet to get his shots up to date and a good dog food . We 've already talked about this year we will be taking them swimming more . Another reason to get a kayak . Posted on April 1 , 2017 by susank456 Well call us crazy or not , we took the leap and jumped off the cliff . After we received the reprieve from the woman asking for two weeks to try and work something out with her landlord , we breathed a sigh of relief . We told each other that it was for a reason that we didn 't get the dog . That maybe later on in the future , we would start looking for a dog . Guess what ? Two weeks to the day , we received an email , asking if we were still interested in meeting Royal . We said yes , but now due to prior commitments , we couldn 't take him for another two weeks . We also said we would understand if they couldn 't wait for us . Oh no , was the response , they would be more than happy to keep him for another 2 weeks . They just wanted to make sure he had a good home . I wasn 't sure how she " knew " we would be a good home , since we had only traded emails to date . We agreed to meet Royal the following Sunday , and see how he would get along with Orso . All week , I kept going back and forth , are we doing the right thing for Orso ? If we take Royal , would that be the right thing for him ? Talk about making myself crazy , I must have waffled back forth enough to have worn a groove in my brain . Sunday morning , we loaded Orso up and headed out to meet Royal . We got there early and wandered around the school grounds that we had agreed to introduce the two on . Neutral territory , that way no one felt threatened or possessive of the space . A car pulled into the far side of the parking lot and watched as a man got out with a large dark brown dog . Nope , not Royal , we thought , because it was a Doberman and we were expecting a lab / mastiff mix . The man and the dog headed off in the opposite direction so we were pretty sure , they were just out for a stroll in the drizzle . Another car pulled in and parked . A woman and a teenage girl got out of the car and the woman turned and opened the back door of the car . Out hopped a fawn colored dog with blackish brown ears . Royal came trotting over to us , quite unafraid and eager to meet us and Orso . He was as tall as Orso and a little bigger in the chest than Orso , maybe about five to ten pounds overweight . He was super friendly and just wanted to be petted . He was also a leaner . After introductions , we watched the two get to know each other , sniffing butts , peeing on top of the other 's pee spot and running around the grass . Orso tried to jump on his back a couple of times and each time Royal would turn and give a warning bark growl , but never showed teeth . I was quite impressed with the dog , and ready to jump over the ledge . Mitch asked a few questions , did he have any ailments , eating issues , were his shots up to date , etc . All of our questions were answered quite positively , and I couldn 't help but wonder about his owner . It would take dire circumstances for me to even consider having to find a home for Orso and not keep him . We asked if any others had responded to the ad and the woman said yes , she had gotten eight offers but only took one other offer seriously . After meeting the couple , she told them no they couldn 't have Royal . It seems the couple had a pair of pit bulls with them that were quite beat up and kept asking her what the mastiff side was capable of . She told us that she felt uneasy and worried about Royal 's safety . I took the first leap , looked at Mitch and said that we would love to take him , but because family was coming into town , we couldn 't take him until the following Saturday . That seemed to be quite workable , so we said good - bye , loaded up Orso and headed home . Saturday morning , we picked up Royal and brought him home . We left Orso home for the pick up so that there was no tension in cramped spaces . As soon as we pulled into the driveway , I jumped out and leashed up Orso and the four of us went for a nice long walk . We are now a week into back being a two - dog family and so far , so good . Maybe it 's because both dogs are older , Orso will be eleven and Royal is almost six , both are very calm sedate dogs , pretty much couch potatoes most of the time . So for now , life is good , just a little more cramped on the couch , but quite relaxed . I 'm sure once Royal gets comfortable and realizes the once he crossed the threshold , he was here to stay , things will getShare this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , dogs playing , humor , labradors , marriage , mastiff , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 4 Comments Posted on February 19 , 2017 by susank456 We almost brought another dog into our lives , almost . We were so close . Mitch saw an ad in the Saturday paper , " A lab / mastiff mix , 6 years old " and then the magic words , " FREE TO A GOOD HOME " . Mitch was hooked . Even though he knows , there is no such thing as free . Nothing is ever free . More importantly , Mitch has been the hold out , saying over and over , " Not another dog , yet . " But there it was , Mitch urging me to send an email , asking about the dog . I reminded him of our last experience with a " lab mix " . As much as I loved Charlie , he was always a bit off . We were " on guard " with him always , because he was animal aggressive and sometimes very explosive . So , I called his bluff , I sent an email , asking how big he was , did he get along with other dogs , etc . The ad said he was good with cats and children , but didn 't mention dogs . I got a response , that yes , he was good with other dogs , they had three other dogs , four cats and four children . A very full house . He also weighed a hundred pounds , so a good size match for Orso . Now I was curious as to why if they had three other dogs , four cats and four children , why was this dog singled out to be kicked to the curb . Why not get rid of the cats ? Four cats to one dog , seemed like a fair trade . I sent the question back , " why are you trying to find a home for this dog ? " I phrased it very diplomatically , instead of saying , " why are you getting rid of this one , as opposed to one of the others ? " I wanted to know the real reason for the ad . What was wrong with him ? Was he a biter , a fighter , what ? Why was this one getting the boot ? Because the answers would determine our next step . I was still very gun shy about getting back into a situation where Orso would be victimized ever again . We were straddling the fence , not sure which side to fall on , dog or no dog . I almost called our best friends to ask what we should do , but I already knew their answer , " Get the dog . " They have three medium to large size dogs , and are not unbiased . By the time we went to bed , we had decided that no we would pass on the dog . No dog yet . Her email response came in the morning . The answer was not what I expected at all . The owner had gotten the dog as a puppy and now after six years had to give him up because she had to move to an apartment wouldn 't take dogs , especially large dogs , so she took him to her friend , who promised to look for a great home for him . The friend had placed the ad , with three other dogs , four cats and four children already had a full house . After reading her email , I was ready to get in the car , drive to wherever he was and bring him home on the spot . Sanity returned and I waited for Mitch to wake up . We talked some more , pros and cons , talking ourselves out of the dog , then back into the dog . I finally sent an email back asking if we could meet with Orso to see how they might interact . I got a response saying that was a great idea and when could we get there . I asked if noon would work and waited for her response . The reply came back letting us off the hook - sort - of . The owner was not handling the separation well and asked her friend if they would keep him for two weeks , until she either found another place or could win over her landlord . But could they keep our email , " just in case . " My heart went out to the woman and her dog , because I know how I would feel if I were forced with the same decision . I answered back that of course , they could keep our email address , and that I understood completely . I even offered to " foster the dog " for the woman if she wanted to on a short or long term basis , if the need arose . We almost fell down the rabbit hole , not quite , but we 're teetering . Posted on January 20 , 2017 by susank456 Do you have any idea how shocking a cold wet nose can be , especially when it touches the back of your thigh ? Let 's just say that it 's a really good thing I am only five foot two inches tall on a good day . Otherwise I might be sporting a concussion and submitting an Aflac claim . I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying off . I had my back to the door , ( huge mistake it seems ) and didn 't hear the door open . I had neglected to pull the door completely closed so there was a small gap , evidently big enough for a nose to fit through and push open the door . I was bent over drying my shins and feet when a cold wet nose ever so gently touched the back of my thigh . I guess Orso was checking to make sure I had used soap . Anyway , I stood straight up and jumped forward about two feet , narrowly missing the lighted makeup mirror that was mounted on the bathroom wall . I sucked in my breath , grabbed the towel , wrapped it around me ( too late to protect my exposed skin ) and turned to face my attacker . Orso was standing there wagging his tail looking like he had just accomplished some huge feat of skill , looking very pleased with himself . At least I didn 't scream or squeal and wake up Mitch , not that he would have heard it , because he sleeps like the dead . I have no idea why Orso decided to get out of bed to come and check on me , something totally out of character for him . He normally climbs back in bed after our morning walk and sleeps until I fix breakfast . I reached out and scratched his ear , then Orso turned around , walked out of the bathroom , jumped back up on the bed , laid down and went back to sleep . I stood there and mentally scratched my head wondering why and getting no answer . What a way to start the day . Posted on December 27 , 2016 by susank456 Many years ago , Mitch gave me a hand - me - down parka that someone at his work had out grown . It is a long knee length winter parka with a zip in liner , and is quite warm . It is water proof with a hood and lots of pockets , and reflector strips to be seen in the dark , making it perfect for walking Orso in the dark and hiking when it 's cold . I 'm not sure how old it is , but I can say that I have gotten at least ten or more years of wear out of it . The down side to the parka is that it has one of those double zippers on it , you know the ones I 'm talking about . The ones that you can zip up closed and at the bottom of the hem , you can zip up toward the collar to unzip to an open jacket . I have always hated that part of the parka , because the double zipper is always harder to catch at the bottom , making it more difficult to zip up . Oh , I know the theory behind it , to be able to unzip the coat to get to a pocket or to go pee without removing the coat , but I would just wait until I was somewhere warm to heed the call of nature . Over the years , the zipper has gotten weaker , making it harder to get shoved down into the second zipper sometimes . Usually that happens when I 'm in a hurry or Orso is impatient , making it take longer to get outfitted and out the door . This morning everything was going just fine , I put on my sweatshirt and hat , then put on the parka and zipped it up , donned my gloves and hooked up Orso to his harness and off we went on our pre - dawn walk . The walk was going along smoothly when I started feeling a chill on my thighs and stomach . I looked down and saw that my parka was wide open flapping in the breeze . Upon closer inspection , I saw that the zipper on the bottom had let go and my parka was unzipping itself from the bottom up . I tried to reconnect the zipper and zip it up to meet the top zipper but that didn 't work . Then I tried to unzip the top zipper to meet the bottom of the zipper where it had stopped at open , but that didn 't work either . So , in an act of desperation , I zipped the top zipper back up all the way and pulled the two sides of my parka together in one hand to try and keep it closed until I could get back home . When I got back home , I struggled with the zipper trying to get the upper zipper unzipped far enough to force the lower zipper down . That didn 't work either , I had only gotten the upper zipper unzipped down about three inches from the top and the lower zipper had unzipped itself up the rest of the way to meet the upper zipper . I stood there thinking about how I was going to the parka off . Panic was starting to set in . I had to get it off and get in the shower to get ready for work . I couldn 't just stand there all day in a parka that was more unzipped than zipped but wouldn 't come off . Have you ever tried to pull a knee length parka off over your head with an opening of about five inches and not rip off your nose ? It 's not easy let me tell you . Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , humor , labradors , parka , satire , short stories , walking , women , writing , zippers 8 Comments Posted on December 18 , 2016 by susank456 Once again Orso strikes . Thanks to Orso , we can cross another couple off the list of potential friends here . You ask how could that be ? How could Orso keep us from making friends ? He 's such a sweet dog , super friendly and loves everyone , man and dog alike . Well that 's part of the problem . He wants to be friends with every dog out there , small or large , he doesn 't discriminate . But not all dogs want to be his friend . His size is very intimidating to a lot of dogs he meets . Today I took him on our afternoon walk and about halfway through our route , three of our neighbors caught up with us walking their dogs . One of the dogs is an older dog that is nice enough , but has no interest in being playmates . She is just happy to plod along for a while then turn back . As long as I stay between Orso and her owner with her on the outside , we are good , no snaps or snarls . Orso has learned to give her a wide berth . The problem was the other couple and their dog . They are a nice couple with a smaller female black lab , probably weighing in around sixty pounds or so , making her about forty - five pounds lighter than Orso and much lower to the ground . The husband was super friendly , talkative and kept loving on Orso marveling at size of his head . I thought Orso 's head size matched his body size , all were big . I just shrugged and shook my head . The man let his dog off the leash and let her run , causing Orso to feel short changed , so against the inner voice in my head telling me that this was going to end badly , I let him off the leash too . The man started encouraging his dog to play with Orso , revving Orso in the process . So Orso obliged running at the smaller dog knocking her down and rolling her across the road on her back . She growled and cried at the same time . I rushed forward to grab Orso and hook him back up on the leash , so the man could get to his dog . She stood up and limped around lifting her right front leg and not putting any weight on it . I thought , great , Orso has maimed their dog . I can only imagine what the vet bill will be . May I can turn around and run away , quickly . Maybe they don 't know where we live . That thought only lasted a moment , because everybody knows where we live . I apologized profusely over and over . The man assured me she was fine and that it was his fault encouraging them to play , but I still felt terrible . And I knew deep down , they would blame us , having a dog that was such a brute . So , as soon as I could gracefully turn around , I said good - bye and walked home as quickly as possible . Trying to put as much space between us as possible . Poor Orso , he just doesn 't realize how big he is and even at ten and a half years old , he has the energy level of a much younger dog . I have to find him a dog that is bigger than he is to play with , because I don 't make enough money to pay for emergency vet bills . And at this rate , word will spread about the big brown hulk and we 'll have to move again . Posted on October 23 , 2016 by susank456 I think I 'm going take out an ad in the newspaper . We moved out here a year ago and for the first eight months we spent every free moment house hunting . Then when we found a house we really liked , the next four months were spent moving in and making it ours . Now that we are all moved in and winter is coming , there isn 't much to do . Not to mention our work schedules are polar opposites , I work days and he works nights , I get up shortly after he gets home and he goes to work shortly after I get off work . The only evenings we have together are on his days off , which rotate every week , and weekends together happen only every six weeks . That leaves me alone most of the time . I could take a class , but the last class I took was a yoga class and I turned that into competitive yoga trying to beat everyone else time . So much for relaxing and breathing , I don 't seem to play well with others . I could take up shopping , but then I would need to get a part time job to pay for the shopping . I could take up drinking , oh wait I already do drink , oops . " Woman in search of a friend who likes to get up early to greet each day . Someone who has weekends open and likes to explore new and old places . The friend needs to have a warped sense of humor ; be able to poke fun at themselves as much as everyone else . The friend can 't take the world too seriously ; enjoy life lightly . There are two very important prerequisites : the friend must like wine and dogs , drinking wine , talking wine and trying new wines . The friend must like dogs and all that comes with dogs ; dog hair , dog drool and dog kisses . The friend must like outdoors , hiking and odd adventures . A friend that likes pedicures , shopping and lunch out is an added bonus . Age is not an issue , the friend can be any age over twenty - one , ( sorry must be legal drinking age ) . |
Genius . My greatest sorrow and frustration in life was that I was able to recognize it ; appreciate it when I saw it ; easily discern between the very good , the great and the brilliant ; and yet , I , myself , could not produce anything of such caliber . I could see the tricks and techniques the masters used to imprint their work with their unique creative flair . I was able to read between the lines and marvel at a turn of phrase or an especially apt metaphor . I noticed the nuanced underpainting and the way it brought life to the subject . I could hear the subtle change of key that lodged a melody in the head . And yet was not able to reproduce any of it . I did not begrudge them their success . They deserved it . I only wanted to whip aside the curtain to see how they did it . Was there a trick ? A skill I could learn ? Techniques I might master ? The answer , I found was yes to all those things , and yet , the whole was far greater than the sum of its parts . There was something inside those people , something I didn 't possess . No matter what I did , somebody else did it better . More naturally . More easily . I plugged away at what I did best . I was moderately successful . I was able to earn a living , but few outside my immediate circle sang praises to my talent . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was just 27 . I had my whole life in front of me . I had a good job , career prospects , lots of friends . One night , I went into the city to meet a some buddies for drinks . It was late when I left them to head home . I was a bit tipsy but not exactly drunk . A man on the street approached me , asking for directions . I stopped to help him . After that was a blur . I woke up groggy , bound with nylon rope , in the trunk of a car , bumping along very potholed roads . I had no idea where I was . Or why . Or how . It took a while for me to put it together , but he must have drugged me somehow . Maybe stuck me with something . I didn 't remember . Finally , we came to a stop . When he opened the trunk and pulled me out , we were in a garage … not a house garage but a commercial one , like a chop shop . I had no idea exactly where we were but my sense was that it was in a remote , industrial part of an outer boro , far from prying eyes and out of earshot of anyone who could help me . My captor was insane . That much was obvious . I was terrified . I knew I was going to die at his hands , but I didn 't know how , which terrified me more . He started with the tools for breaking apart cars , and took me apart slowly , methodically . He knew was he was doing . He took pleasure in my pain . As soon as I realized what was happening , I tried to will my soul out of my body , so I would die faster . It didn 't work as quickly as I prayed it would . When I passed across , as soon as I felt my soul leave my corporeal form , I was met by others ; other young men he 'd killed in the same way . New York has a serial killer but nobody knows it . He disposes of bodies so well , none of us were ever found . We are all still listed as mysteriously missing persons . Nobody suspects that all our disappearances are related ; the work of one man . Nobody is looking for a single killer . He is too clever for them . Our bodies are in the Gowanus Canal , but no one would ever think to look for us there . Even if they did , they would never find us . We are melted into the toxic soup . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! " Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for my unfulfilled dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , I have could have achieved my dream unless I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all that entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few , but looking back , although some relationships were passionate , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it , sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would play out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! In the village where I lived my entire life , the roads were made of dirt and mud . Those people who could afford to , built their homes from brick or block , cement , and corrugated metal . Those who could not , build theirs of wood , metal scraps , and mud . Nobody had more than four sets of clothing : two for summer and two for winter . Many had only one . Some people had shoes ; others did not . I suppose by some standards , we lived in poverty , but since we had no idea how others lived , we had no basis of comparison , and so we never thought of ourselves as poor . Ultimately , it made no difference to the lives we lived , the lessons we learned , the love we shared , the pain we suffered . The human condition is the same everywhere . Even among those who have so very little , there were the haves and the have - nots . My family was in the middle . We went hungry from time to time , but mostly that was because of the weather , when the crops didn 't do well , or the animals starved . But then , most everyone suffered during those times , as well . From the time I was a young girl , I enjoyed observing people , watching how they behaved , how they socialized with others . In my small village , everyone knew everyone . Keeping secrets was impossible . We knew who was happy in their circumstances and who was not , and why . We knew who loved unrequitedly , who held a grudge , who envied whom . We knew who was stupid and who was wise , who was selfish and who was magnanimous , who could be relied on when you needed help and who you could count on to stick the knife in deeper . There was an old baker in the village who had built his brick oven himself , long before I was born . All the women brought their bread and larger meals to be cooked there . None of them could have built such a hot fire at home because it would have been impossible for a woman ( even with the help her children ) to collect that much wood . It was difficult enough to gather enough to keep a house warm in winter . A fire in the small stove might be enough only to heat a pot of water for tea or to boil an egg or to keep a pot of bits and scraps cooking until it became soup . Of course in the summer , it was too hot to keep a fire going inside . And so we had a communal bakery . Grandfather was a nice man with a good soul . Everybody liked him . If a family could not pay , he would never shame them . He would tell them kindly to pay when they could , even when he knew he was likely to never be paid at all . It was not in his heart to let anyone starve if he could help it . When I was about 8 years old , there was a young man in the village who worked for the baker . He was very full of his own worth , full of important advice for everyone , always telling others the best way to run their businesses even though , he , himself , had no business of his own . He was always telling Grandfather how to improve things , but Grandfather had been in business since before this young man was born , and he did not appreciate the unsolicited advice . Others advised the young man to mind his tongue and do his job , for the old man would eventually pass away and then he could take over the business and do with it whatever he wanted . But he could not wait . So , he moved away to the city , which was very far . He worked there for a few years at something ( nobody really knew ) until he had saved enough money to start his own bakery in the village . When he came back , he built his own oven . In front , he built a low wall to create a kind of outdoor room . There he put some tables and chairs . It became a kind of spontaneous café for men to gather , to drink strong tea and eat a small cake or two , to smoke , to play cards , to discuss politics and religion . The young man thought he was very clever because now he had both a bakery and a café , and was sure he could make twice as much money as Grandfather . The fact is , the bakery was where all the profit was . A café didn 't earn much . These men sat all day with one pot , always asking for more hot water . In his foolishness and ignorance he expected the village women to flock to his bakery , which was larger and of course newer and offered some social activity . What he failed to consider , was that the women did not want to pass through a group of men , on their way to the oven . These women worked hard . They gathered wood and carried water from the well . They minded the small animals . And the children , too , of course . They worked like donkeys from sunrise until everyone in their families was safely asleep . These women resented working hard while men sat idle . They did not want to be reminded of it . It made them bitter . And so , they avoided the place . Soon , with no customers for his oven , the young man could not keep his business open . He lost everything . Ashamed , chastened , and once again poor , he left the village for the city once more . I never saw him again but I thought about him a lot . And from then on , I made it a point to study others and to understand what they wanted most deeply . I quickly learned this was rarely what it appeared to be on the surface . A man might start an argument with someone of a higher status not because he was angry at the man but because he resented his own low standing . To win such an argument was to steal some of that man 's power . A woman might want a new piece of jewelry from her husband not because she needed more finery , but because it showed others that her husband valued her . She craved the status of that ; not his actual love . . A girl might act aloof or tease a boy , not because she wants to hurt him or push him away , but because she likes him and doesn 't know how to express her own feelings . I observed these things closely all my life , and I thought about them as I went about my days . And the more I understood , the more things made sense to me . I didn 't get upset when people behaved badly because I could see through it to the real reason , and I had compassion . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is al I loved him because I could love him in exactly the way he needed to be loved . He was difficult ( as was I ! ) and often tried my patience , but if I didn 't love him , who would ? He frequently treated me badly , occasionally took his hand to me , regularly neglected me , routinely said hurtful things , but even so , I knew he loved me in his own , often emotionally convoluted way . He knew I could find a man who treated me better , a man who deserved me more , so it meant everything to him that I stayed married to him . Over the years , friends and family urged me to leave him . He was no good for me , they said . He made me cry , made me feel less of myself . They made me question whether I was lying to myself about why I stayed . When he was sober and contrite , he was loving and charming . He was intelligent and deep , but too often his demons got the better of him . He knew he mistreated and neglected me , and he knew that he had to make it up to me , double , when he was capable . That was how he held on to me through the worst of times . I suppose I could say our marriage had its seasons . There were times of plenty followed by drought and famine . When love was abundant , I 'd gorge . I 'd fill up my heart to bursting . I 'd squirrel away every bit of kindness , storing them in the hidden recesses of my soul and my memory . This got me through the lean times . There were months , even years of famine when I felt it was time to pick up and move away . This soil was dry and dusty and nothing would grow here anymore . And then , just as I was about to leave , the rains would come and everything would spring back to life ! Love burst back into bloom , and I 'd think , How can I leave this place ? It 's the only home I know . I felt bound to him though never dependent . If I 'd felt dependent , I 'd surely have left him early on . No , that wasn 't the word . I felt responsible for him . As if I 'd been put on the earth just to understand him ; to be the only one he could love . But that was only part of it . It filled a need in me , too , to be with him . I needed to be loved like that - singularly and deeply . As long as there was that , I could deal with everything else . Most people search for a perfect , flawless human being to love and be loved by . They believe that such perfect person will provide perfect happiness . In fact , nothing in life is learned from perfection . The lessons are found in working with and through the imperfections . I could not have expressed this while I was alive . I raged at the imperfection . I wanted the pain and frustration to end so all would be peacefully ideal . In the beginning , I didn 't understand all the layers beneath the layers . But as we shed each one , I loved us more . We became closer , paring away our fears , one by one . We scraped off the veneer to reveal the truth below . We melted off the coating that held everything neatly in place so we could deal the messy reality . Sometimes it became too much , and one or the other of us felt the urge to run . Apart and together . Apart and together . Apart and together . And with each together , another layer was gone , bringing us closer to the meat of it , to the seed , to the real reason we stayed with each other ; to understanding the basis of our bond . I don 't know if I could have done it for fifty or sixty years . I died before I found out . I am not sure we would have been willing to keep scratching away like that or if we would have eventually come to an end . Or perhaps , one day , finally , all would have been exposed and there would have been nothing left to learn of or from each other . Maybe one of us would have reached that point first , and walked away . Certainly , I was not so easy to live with , myself . I was often angry , impatient , demanding , frustrated , mean , ornery and occasionally violent . I tried my best to rise above my anger but I will admit to flinging the occasional vase or dish . But it could have been he who ended it . He might have decided that domesticity wasn 't for him ; that he was no longer willing to do the work to maintain the balance . He might have been no longer willing to toil when the land was fertile ; unwilling to stock the pantry in preparation for the lean times . Without me , his life would have been easier in many ways , but I understand now that he needed the challenge of me , too . I suppose he knew that as well . Running away from the lessons is always an option . Human have free wll . I doubt I could have stayed on that particular path for decades more . Perhaps , if I had lived longer , I might have chosen another road , leading to different but equally important lessons . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Where do I begin to explain ? My sin is something few humans can comprehend . They can understand murder and rape , thuggery and genocide better than they can comprehend my particular crime . This is not to say they accept or sympathize with such crimes against humanity , but they can make sense of the perhaps irrational motivations - the need to destroy , the need for power , the need for money , the need for freedom or supremacy especially after a lifetime of repression . Perhaps even misguided religious fervor . The human mind can understand how such malignancies can develop because they can make sense of the root cause . Not so for me . Even here , looking back , I can 't say I totally understand it myself . It was just a need , a drive I had . It was an attraction that I could not control . I suppose if I were different , stronger , I might have been able to control my behavior , but my feelings ? No . Impossible . For most people , sexual and romantic attraction are age - appropriate . A kindergartner might have a sweet first crush on another child in the class . A twelve - year old boy might try to steal a kiss from a another twelve year old . Teenagers lust after other teenagers . And adults generally mate amongst themselves . Certainly children develop crushes on teachers or older persons of authority , but most adults understand what the child has yet to learn : any sexual relationship would be completely inappropriate and out of balance . I , however , never grew out of my grade - school sexuality . By the time I reached my teens , girls my own age frightened me . I felt too much a child , myself . I sensed they could see right through me . I feared they could see things in me that I didn 't want them to see ; things which needed to remain hidden but which I had no ability to conceal . I suspected they would demand things of me - sexually , emotionally - which I knew I could not satisfy . I feared they would consume me whole or mock me . I kept my distance . I spent a lot of time alone . I eventually learned how to fit in . I wasn 't stupid , just emotionally immature with a tragic lack of impulse control . At first , I 'd just fantasize . There were times when my loving gaze fell too long on a beautiful little girl . The accompanying parent would quickly hustle the child out of my sight , while casting back a warning glare over his or her shoulder . I used to masturbate to catalogs of children 's clothing , filled with adorable models . Even as I did it , I recognized how pathetic I was . I went to a couple of those junior beauty pageants , but they were too creepy even for me . I recognized in the audience , other men with the same feelings as mine and it frightened me . I saw my future , older and just like them . I didn 't want to end up like that , even though I feared I would . One day , when I was in my late twenties , a new family moved into my apartment complex . They had a beautiful little daughter , maybe 10 or 11 . I fell instantly in love with her . I was obsessed . I bought a puppy to attract her attention , which was the perfect ruse . She would come over to pet him . I 'd give her little snacks to feed him . Then , I got her to help me teach him tricks . That gave me an opportunity to be around her longer , with her feeling happy and relaxed . Her pure joy ! Her unsullied innocence ! Her translucent skin that allowed her inner light to shine through ! The way she looked at me with those huge blue eyes when she asked me a question , and awaited my response as if having an audience with the Buddha ! Truly , I was in love . It was as real and deep and meaningful to me as any kind of love is to anyone . I was as nervous and afraid as any inexperienced young man might be about approaching a girl he likes . I didn 't want to frighten her . I wanted her to understand things as I did . I complemented her . Told her how pretty , how smart , how good with animals she was . I gave her small gifts . I invited her in for snacks . ( Her single mother worked , and she was mostly on her own in the afternoons . ) We 'd watch TV on the sofa , and eventually , we cuddled . For her , it was no different than it might have been cuddling with her own father , who had all but abandoned her and whose male attention she obviously missed . But for me , it was absolutely romantic . I was in heaven , just to have her near me , just to smell her hair , to hear her laugh . And then , one day , we got on the subject of boys . She wanted to know certain things about the facts of life , about male anatomy . From where I am now , I recognize that she was just a normally curious kid . Her father was absent and her mother was barely there . I was a trusted adult . Who else would she ask ? I understood it as a seduction . A black curtain inside of me blocked out all normal human emotional logic . In my immaturity , I imagined that she wanted me , as I wanted her . I believed that this was her way of making the first move . It meant she loved me ! I started so slowly and gently , just touching and telling her how beautiful she was , and how sexy , and how much I liked her and how she could drive a man mad . And she liked it . She did . But she liked it because she was just a child and she had nobody else to tell her these things that she desperately wanted to hear . In her own way , she was as needy and lost in the world as I was . Of course , she was just a child and I was the adult ; I should have known better . But it didn 't feel that way to me at the time . Emotionally , we were the same age . In fact , to me , she felt older . She seemed confident but in fact , she was just trusting and naïve , and was thus not nervous . She had no reason to be . Eventually , we had sex . At the time , in my delusional state , it seemed she desired me as much as I desired her . I realize now that I forced myself too quickly on her . She was not ready - not physically and not emotionally . Even if I 'd gone more slowly , she still wouldn 't have understood . For a young girl who is just beginning to recognize her potential as a woman , to sense she has power over an older man , is a heady feeling , . but is emotion that a ten year old mind cannot process in its full scope . She could not have understood all the ramifications . For her , it was a game : to have a man do whatever she asked ; give her whatever she wanted . That was as far as she thought about it . She might well have played this power game with her own father against her mother if he 'd been around more . It was not a sexual thing . She was just a child , only just beginning to understand her power as a female . She was testing her wings . She didn 't even understand , really , what sex was . She didn 't comprehend the brutality of it on her small body . She didn 't anticipate the pain . Or the terror of having a grown man upon her , essentially holding her prisoner . When I imagine her face now , I know she was terrified . But I didn 't stop . I couldn 't . I was oblivious to her panic . And when it was over , she cried . I tried to comfort her but she wanted no part of me . I will never forget the look in her eyes : they screamed " Betrayal ! " Her innocence was gone and it was all my fault . I had totally misjudged the situation ( because truly , there was some part of me that was missing , and this rendered me incapable of understanding any of the dynamic in what had just transpired . ) I understood after the fact that I 'd hurt her but I didn 't understand how I had so badly misjudged . Maybe I was also angry because I felt we were in it together , that our feelings for each other were mutual , that we both wanted it , and it wasn 't fair that she blamed me after she changed her mind . But again , this was a result of my immature thinking . And in the weeks following , whenever I 'd see her around , she would quickly walk the other way . There was a complete change in her demeanor . She had closed in on herself . She was no longer that open , trusting , carefree little girl . The joy had gone out of her eyes , replaced by shock , sadness , fear , mistrust . I 'd selfishly stolen her innocence . I was consumed by guilt . I knew I 'd done a horrific thing . I knew I had destroyed something in her , and that she would not get over it for a long time , if ever . And yet , I could not stop my desire . The worse I felt about myself , the more I needed the love of an innocent to justify my feelings , to restore my sense of self - worth . I couldn 't bear to see her . I couldn 't bear to have her look at me like that . I moved far away , to another city . Eventually , I went through something similar with another girl , age twelve . It , too , ended badly . And she also never told . I moved away , again . This was the right place for me . I fully felt I deserved it . It was a relief not have to worry about further temptation , because I knew if I were still out there , it would only happen again . There was something broken in me , but I couldn 't change it and I couldn 't stop it and with my limited emotional depth , I couldn 't even understand it . Being in jail for this kind of crime is probably one of the most difficult sentences a man can serve . Even other prisoners are repulsed by such urges . I did not last long in there , which was for the best . I was long out of choices . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I had a perfect life . That 's what everyone told me . I was blessed . Lucky . Other women envied me , wishing even for a slice of my life . They envied my handsome successful husband , my three beautiful children , my large home in the best neighborhood . I was quite attractive and always dressed in the latest styles . I never had to go to work . I was free to enjoy the kinds of activities women of leisure enjoy . I should have been happy . I had what everyone else wanted ; what everyone else was sure would make them happy . I felt there was something deeply wrong with me because even though I had all this , I was profoundly dissatisfied . I was happy enough when my babies were small , until the youngest started school . Suddenly , my days were unfilled . I didn 't quite know what to do with my time . My husband traveled frequently on business and was often gone for days , weeks at a time . I didn 't particularly miss him , but it did leave me lonely for adult company . I joined a club and met some other women who also needed to fill their days . We gossiped , complained , and bragged over cards , over lunch , in the pool . I needed a challenge so I took tennis lessons , and risibly fell victim to that utterly predicable and clichéd story line : attractive but bored , unhappy housewife has affair with handsome , raffish instructor . I craved emotional diversion . I was desperate for my blood to run with passion again , to feel that yearning in the heart and loins . I rejoiced to feel alive and desired . I hungered for it like a drug . He began to appear frequently in my dreams and always in my fantasies . I touched myself , imagining it was his hands on me . Everything reminded me of him . I lived for our weekly trysts . He became the main focus of my thoughts and attention . I needed him like oxygen . The weight of my need was more than he was willing to bear . I was too attached , too needy . I became demanding and weepy . I wanted things from him that were ridiculous to expect from such an ultimately meaningless relationship . I became undignified . And so he broke it off . I could not go back to the club . I could not bear to see him with other women . I could not even bear to be out in public , so raw and so vulnerable . After a while , I 'd drink just until the moment the first one walked in the door . I thought they were too young to notice . ( I was wrong . ) Eventually , I didn 't even care enough to hide my drinking - not from the children who seemed not to need me , not from the housekeeper who was smart enough to do her work and mind her business , and not from my husband when he was around . He didn 't seem to notice me much anymore anyway . Other than civil dinners lacking all intimacy , we mostly stayed to ourselves , him in his part of the house and me in mine . The drinking transformed from something I did to numb my sorrow and loneliness to a genuine addiction . Early on , when necessary , I was capable of functioning out in the world - go to the market , the shops , bank , the hair salon . I 'd have just a quick one before setting out and I could tolerate it for a few hours . I didn 't think anyone knew my secret . ( I was wrong . ) Over time , it became more important to me to be able to drink at will than to be able to hold myself together for the sake of others . I was aware enough to recognize that in my usual condition . I was too sloppy to be in polite company . When drunk , I was prone to doing embarrassing things . I did not want to bring that humiliation on my family . So I stayed at home . Besides , daylight and other humans had begun to bother me . Once , while in the middle of figuring that out , I picked up my youngest son and some of his friends at an after - school event . I was quite drunk . The teachers must have noticed my condition , but they dared not stop me from driving . Although it would have been the reasonable thing to do , it was not their place . On the way home , I swerved off the road on a sharp S - curve and came perilously close to a fatal accident . Fortunately , nobody was hurt , but the children were terrified and I was deeply shaken . As my appearance deteriorated , so did my health . I grew soft and sloppy . My face puffed and my muscles sagged . I looked years older than my chronological age . I had gone from the envy of all to the person everyone pitied , including myself . Towards the end , when my condition was too awful for my family to continue to ignore , they tried to get me some help , but I was already beyond the point of salvation . I didn 't want to stop . I didn 't want to change . I just wanted to remain numb until I died , which I expected would not take long . I knew it would kill me . I hoped it did so quickly . But it was not the drink , itself , that did me in . That was a symptom . What destroyed me was my guilt over not being happy despite all that God had given me . According to everyone else , I had everything a woman could desire to achieve maximum satisfaction . If I was unhappy with all this , clearly there was something wrong with me ; there was nothing that could make me happy . I was too damaged and undeserving of happiness . If I could have assuaged my guilt by giving those slices of my life to whoever could take benefit from them , I would have . Such advantages were wasted on me . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! When I was young , I didn 't have a lot of friends . I was not well - versed in the social graces and did not get much respect . I felt odd and apart from others . In my twenties , I volunteered to do some work for an organization . They were happy to have another body and brain to help the cause . We were all working towards the same goal , and there was a real sense of community . For the first time , I felt I belonged and was a part of something . It pleased me and so I devoted more time . I quickly and mostly unconsciously assessed the group dynamic , even the more subtle , low - level hierarchy . The closer I moved to those in power , the more I emulated them . The more like them I became , the more respect and higher status I attained within the group . I devoted myself to making myself as helpful as I could be to those at the top . I made sure they knew they could trust me and count on me , which they increasingly did . I was always there , ready to do what needed to be done , all in order to make myself indispensable . Initially , I regretted the harm I did to others but I soon convinced myself that our actions were just . In any case , I did not bear this guilt alone . The ones above me , certainly , but also the ones below . Their belief and compliance allowed those at the top to achieve their goals . It was easy to deny my own complicity when I felt myself to be a cog in a machine that was moving forward with or without me . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I loved pain . I needed to be beaten and whipped , kicked and abused . This gave me not just pleasure but comfort , a feeling that life was in balance . The physical pain masked my psychic pain . In the throes of a beating , nothing else existed except the whip . Lost in the welts and the blood was the guilt I felt for being who I was . In those hours of total submission , I could lose myself in someone else 's control . I was no longer responsible for my life . The snap of leather on my skin kept me in the here and now . There were no other thoughts , no other feelings except that sharp bite . This pain was real , tangible . There were marks on my flesh to prove it . This was not some nebulous , esoteric angst which was impossible to identify . In those moments , I could almost hear my father 's voice . " You want something to cry about ! ? " the lash mocked . " I 'll give you something to cry about ! " It brought all my focus to my screaming nerve endings , and away from my head . It was a trade - off - one kind of pain for another . But physical pain could be healed , comforted , lovingly attended to . This is what grounded me and kept me in the moment . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I had a dream that I was pregnant in some other country or apartment other than where i am living now . My sister and my father were in the dream . Suddenly I was going into labor and i experienced so much fear ! ! No one had called an ambulance for me or even taken me to the hospital , I gave birth in the bathroom . It was the most gruesome experience ever ! ! ! I even had to cut my own umbilical cord with a pair of scissors that i used to sell . i remember being afraid if the scissors were dirty or not . my sister watched some of the process take place in the bathroom and she got extremely nauseated and left . But when I held my baby in the air , it was like nothing in the world mattered ! I loved that baby with all my heart and soul and i suddenly lived for my child ( boy ) and i would have given my life for him . He looked like my boyfriend with tan / dark skin but it was very soft and his eyes were gorgeous ! ! and he did not cry or anything ! it was as if he knew everything was going to be okay because he was with his mommy . i kissed him on the lips and face and felt so much affection for him even when i woke up from the dream ! ! My boyfriend was not in the dream though . Other info : I feel like this dream means so much that i can not understand . Please bring me peace of mind and help me to understand it because it really weirded me out when i woke up ! ! There 's a two floors house , I don 't know the place but I was there for some kind of medical visit . The house is white and I 'm going upstairs . I said in my mind " I 'm scared I don 't like this people , they are bad " . Next to the stairs there a guy with a gangster look ( he is in my social environment class and he 's a good person ) . He heard what I said and grabbed my arm , showed me his gun , put the gun in my mouth and shot me twice . My grandmother is there with her husband ( she was waiting for me to see the doctor ) . A lot of blood comes out of my mouth . At this point I know I might die soon so I walk towards my grandma and tell her " please tell my mom I love her " , in that moment the killer shot me again from the back . The killer saw us and killed himself . We walked downstairs . A lot of Blood is coming out of my mouth . In the first floor I see my mom drinking and having fun with her friends . She saw me and get surprised but she is not sad . She told me " don 't worry you 'll be fine " . I spit out two bullets and more blood comes out of my mouth . My father is looking at everything and he 's crying desperately . My grandma cries . My mom is there but she 's fine . Next to me there 's my boss , looking at everything . He 's in peace , he transmit calm to me . I 'm the only one who can see him . He is communicating with me through telepathy . He 's telling me " You are going to be fine ; everything is going to be fine " . I know I 'm dying but I 'm calm and finally I rest in peace . i have fears that my mariage wont work and that my husband would change or do something that would hurt me emotionally . he has a son by another woman and she does not like me at all . i am from trinidad and tobago been here 3 n half yrs and in the proccess on getting my green card . my husband is helping me . i have alot of concerns about that . i had a dream today that me and a friend were in a basement like room putting stuff together like cleaning and talking . then i saw water started coming into the room from a hallway like place near the door . my friend had to go back further into the room to get something and told me to go turn the water off up the stair before we get flooded in . i swam up the stairs while the water was getting higher and higher and just like in the movie titanic where jack and rose almost got trap trying to open th gate and the water got over their head , the water did the same . i got to the pipe that was like a circle and turned it off . the water went down and for some reason i turned it back on and went back down to get my friend . on my way down the water came up to fast and i swam back up now worried that my friend didnt make it out or got out some how . when the water subsided me and a couple of friend ( girls ) went down to search for her . we were looking through piles of clothing and boxes and couldnt fine her . then i saw my friend try to shove some clothes into a small space in the wall almost like they were hiding something from me and i had a feeling that something looked dead in that pile , then my friend told me lets go upstairs to see if we find her . on the way upstairs we ended up outside walking in the streets . while walkin my cell phone started ringing , but my phone was in the creese of a fold on the end of my jeans . i answered the phone and it was a guy friend from back home in trinidad . he said " whats going on darling " and as he said that bats came out from the trees and began attacking me and my friends . he heard me screeming and asked whats going on . i said " bats are attacking mPosted by Often i see that i am running away from somebody / somebody is chasing me . But i cant see who is chasing me . I see taht i can run at a supenatural speed . Climbing buildings / high structure like a superman . Also am able to swim very fast in water . Though in the dreams i very seldom see any people . This dreams comes me very often whenever i am in deep sleep i was with my ex boyfriend . we started to have fun . in ways that me have never . his mother told me to paint the other room cause that was going to our daughter 's new room . him and his brother took his mother 's car . he told me that he was going to be back by 9 o ' clock . well he was gone i was trying to find a ride to get paint . well he never came back . it was 8 : 36 in the morning and i was outside peeing on the sidewalk . then i was in my car driving to the store . i seen him in his Honda with his other brother and his brother 's girlfriend . his car wouldn 't move . so everyone got into my car . then my dad walked out of the store . my ex and dad circled around each other like they were going to fight . so i jump out of the car and tell stop . my dad walks to his fire - bird and sits down . my ex gets in the car . my dad is passed out while he was starting the car . i yelled dad . he got up and then drove off . i got in the car and my ex and i got into a fight . i asked him where he was and he told me i wasn 't going to let her sit by herself all night in one little room . ( his girlfriend now ) I am 15 , female . So in my dream I went back to a school i moved from about 2yrs ago . The smae people weren 't there thought it was some of my new friends and some of my old closest friends from that school . It was our senior year and we went to the mountains because we lived in the city ( in my dream , we live in the country in real life ) . We rented a cabin and all of us ( about 10 ) pitched in . Even though it was old and crappy and built over a huge crater like the grand canyon and standing on stilts we have tons of fun . Then a storm came and we were all scared thats when we noticed that it was raining dinosaurs and we were in trouble . A lot of my friends ended up disappearing at this point , one got killed from trying to same another and other just gave up . So one of my friends ( that i was in a relationship with for 2 yrs and now not ) and i hid in a hollow tree but then that wasn ; t safe so he jumped off the cliff and lived , suddenly the cliff wasn 't so far down but i was still scared . He told me to jump and grab his hand but i did not because i was too scared and didn 't trust him . i died . My Best friend had a dream and I am very concerned . She said that in this dream her beloved deseased grandmother came to her to meet her daughter but holding her hand and taking her to my freind was my little boy . She said he was happy and playing while they visited but all of a sudden stopped and said , Ok it 's time to go now and he escorted her out . I am freaked out is my son going to be ok ? Cheyanne is driving to a basketball tournament , in Vallejo . After our tournament we were on the freeway for two minutes and appeared at the Factory Outlets . Later , we see some more of our team mates in the parking lot and say hello . Cheyanne and I start walking into a clothing store and Cheyanne is talking and accidently licks her teeth , and states , " If you lick your teeth and talk at the same time , you will lose a finger . " I 'm living back with my mom on her 5 acres outside of town . Down behind her house is some woods . I have dreamed of this " monster " before in 2 or 3 other dreams . Never before having been chased by him until this one . ' I was down back by the corrals . There were some cows in the big part . I was watching them and all of a sudden they got startled . I opened the gate to let them out but instead it turned into this box with them inside of it . I knew it was the " monster " . I backed up and heard the cows mooing loud . I ran to the other side of the corrals and I was looking for him . I didn 't see him . I was sneaking around so he couldn 't hear me . I saw him walk out of the all grass and he looked right at me , he didn 't see me and I saw that his eyes were white . He was blind . I walked slowly back up to the house and shut and locked the door . I got my dog in so he wouldn 't bark at the " monster " . I went into my dad 's bedroom and got a shotgun . When I returned to the door the bottom half of it was open . I turned around and walked into the living room . I saw him and he must have heard me walking because he took off after me . I turned around to shoot at him and when I did , he turned into a woman . I went and got 2 more bullets and when I returned . the " monster " was gone . I heard something behind me and I took off running ' I woke up with my legs kicking and me shaking . The monster was dark and hairy and was big . I can see him clear as day like I have seen him in real life . I have had the same recurring dreams since I was 5 years old . This dream takes four to five days to complete ( a little weird I know ) . I start by going outside to this tall Oak tree ( night 1 ) . I then start to climb ( night 2 - 3 ) . Day 4 in my dream changes sometimes between looking out from the top of the tree or jumping off . This is the part I really do not understand After jumping off wether it is day four or five I always hit the land and I wake up feeling like something has just dropped me from th ceiling . In this dream I am always the 5 year old I was when this dream started . have had this dream twice in a week . 1st time I walked out of my house - which looked a lot like my Mothers house ( the house I grew up in ) from the outside but inside it was my house . When I walked out I noticed their was a large pile if Crap ( for lack of a better term ) seeping from under the foundation next to the house . Looked as if the sewage had sprung a leak . There was no smell , but it as obvious what it was . I went back inside to tell my husband and I woke up . A few days later the dream came back . this time I was in my house with my son ( he is now married and does not live with me ) who iis very ill and I am trying to take care of him when he suddenly dies . I am distraught because I am alone and was not able to help him . I hear my husband 's car outside so I go to the front door and when I open it there is my husband on the stoop of what looks like my mothers old house with my youngest daughter who looks to be about 5 , but she is actually 16 now . I try to tell them what has happened to our son but my husband says they have to leave . I then notice as they are walking to the car that there is this Crap all over the yard now . . . piles and piles of it . I yell at him , don 't you see this mess and he says , what mess and continues to walk away with my daughter . I just stand there watching him leave thinking now I have to clean up all this Crap and what about my son , my son . i have had dreams of giving birth to dead babies since i was 14 years old . I had my first period on my 14th birthday and was hospitalised from hemoraging . i have had cysts on my ovaries and had to have half an ovary removed . I am now 25 and have been on no contraceptives for 2 yrs and have not fallen pregnant yet . The dreams are sometimes nursing me baby and then all of a sudden the baby grows another head and turns green and dies , sometimes I dream that my baby has fallen into a pool and as she sinks to the bottom i watch her helplessly and her face distorts and she looks deformed , someone saves her and gives her to me but her face stays deformed . I also dream about finding sick , deformed or abandoned babies and I have to look after them . I have had dreams about giving birth and the baby comes out with another twin inside it and then the smaller twin tears out of the baby . Do these dreams mean that I will never have a baby moon cycles through its phases eight times . Each full moon is orange , then a skull comes into a new black moon , thousands of voices begin screaming and I feel the fear and terror of millions . I wake up in sweats and feel real fear for days . 17 year old boy , average life , loving family , ( empath , see ' er mom , knows things ) may be a family thing I dreamt of my former lover . In my dream , I emailed him something funny . Afterwards , I went out with a guy and he was hitting on me . Later that night , some friends were going to pick us up and my ex was there . He was so mad at me about the email . He said that he erased his email account because I kept on emailing him nonsense things . He told me that he doesnt want to talk to me anymore . I went back to the other guy and told me that I will be taking the cab . And my ex , was mad . In my dream I was driving around in a police car and I saw a cobra on the side of the road . Someone was being beaten by the cops . Then I was at the doctor 's office with stacks of money In a grassy peaceful field with friend and boyfriend ( both male ) . I was standing between them and god was showing emotion through the sun with sad , frown and smiling faces . it was dark like nightime . Then my friends started crying and looking at me and they said god decided to kill me . I woke up screaming and sweaty Ok . So my crush and i were in love , and we told all of our friends . later , we were playing around and we started touching eachother . ( very sexual ) . Moments later , i woke up . i also remember a feeling that my life was perfect and always would be . 2 days after the dream , i found out she thought i was a creep and i still cant get over her . The dream started with me walking up to a sky scraper type building with wide exspansive steps made of concrete or marble almost like steps you would see in washington d . c . at a monument or the capitol building . There were a lot of people dressed in business suits walking up and down the steps and in and out of the building . As i approached the stairs and began to walk up them i seen a man in all white preaching but no one else even seemed to notice him and they ignored him . I was drawn to him and as i made my way up the stairs and got closer to him it was clear to me the man looked an awful lot like jesus and he was know staring at me and directing his message at me and so i started to listen but before i could understand what he was saying one of the pedestrians walked up and shot him and continued on their way . Again no one seemed to notice and i just keep walking up the stairs . I entered the building and everything seemed normal . People were mving to and fro as you would expect any busy business center to look . I walke over to the elevator and jump inside . I took it to te top floor and get off . But the top floor was completely different from the lobby where i got in the elvevator at . Whereas the lobby was just a normal lobby the top floor was filled with horrible things happening . The first think i remember were people in suits wearing all kinds of scray masks and running with , knives , chainsaws , axes , and chasing around other people in suits who werent wearing masks . I got really scared and searched for a way out . i was running from room to room and seeing people being killed and tortured and just wanted to get out of there . Someone noticed me and pointed to a place i could use to escape it was like a trash or laundry shoot or something similar and i dove into it and fell all the way down it . but instead of landing on he grounf i landed into a frineds car and we drove off . the city was very strange . the only way i could descrbe it would be like a poor ghetto in mexico with wooden fences , dirt roads , and carsPosted by was an off - duty police officer ( not a police officer in real life ) . And I caught a young girl around 16 years old doing a big ' heist ' ( of what I don 't know . . . Money or jewelry ) . As I was stumbling to put her in hand cuffs another women came out ( also involved in the heist ) . She was a large burly manly woman . She walked right past me with no concern as I told her in a weak shaky voice to stop . I then ran after her and pulled out my gun as she turned a corner . I tried shooting it to scare her but it turned out to be a laser pointer fake gun . So I turned the corner to find her standing with a huge gun pointing at me . She told me to go away . I was terrified of this woman and her gun so I ran into the elevator and went to wait for my plane as if I had seen nothing but still terrified . When I woke up from the dream I still felt that fear . ( FYI I am a woman ) I am in my grandmother 's house putting some outfits in a bag and preparing for some sort of prom i 'm excited about . I think of how confident i will feel looking so pretty while I realize i 'm actually in the house of a married man i once shared a connection with . He is not home but his wife is and for no reason i am supposed to spend the night . I feel astonished by her hospitality and overwellmed with guilt as i am sure that she knows who i am . while we are waiting for her husband to come i notice that she is so sensible and fragile and feel the need of constantly explaining to her that it wasn 't in my intention to hurt her back when i got involved with her husband . I fear the moment he will walk by the door and yet hope that he will fall for me . I am uncomfortable wearing pijamas and think of changing into my prom cloths but nevertheless feel it would be inappropriate as she might guess my intentions . So i just put some moisture foundation on to cover at least a bit my appearance . He arrives and doesn 't say anything . I feel nervous and his wife tells me to sleep in the living room . I remember that the walls were orange and the bad was too big for me . He came into the room and stood on the bad while next to me while i was watching tv . I hoped that he would say something to let me know he feels attracted to me but the wife comes into the room and he drags away . Suddently , somebody says that we should go . I panic as i have am asthma crisis and can 't breathe and can 't find my inhalor . The wife offers to give me hers just so we can leave sooner , but i refuse as i know that no other inhalor but mine would help me breathe again . Next thing all three of us are in the street on our way to my grandmother ( to the same apartment we left from , but i only became aware of that after i woke up ) . It is very dark outside , i try to walk along him but the wife guesses my intention and comes to stay between us . The whole dream he didn 't say a single word . Compared to the beginning of the dream when i thought of her as sensitive and Posted by I 've had a few dreams where it seems like they 're scenes from a movie , but none like I 've I 've seen and I 'm a character . The most interesting one was this old museum that , many years back , used to be a home to a wealthy family . Anyway , in the dream I was standing around a table in one of the rooms with the people who owned the museum and they were dressed up in prairie clothing . Never met the people before in my life ! It could actually feel the coldness of the room . The women in the room started to shake and whimper . Then for some reason one young woman opened the double window and flung herself out , towards the ground below . The museum / home was at least 3 stories . I remember yelling " No ! " I couldn 't move , nobody could or chose not to , to catch her . After that it was like my mind jumped scenes , because next I started seeing the town on fire ! Young adults and teenagers , some of them drunk , were rioting in the streets . Burning everything in site ! Except the museum . My mind then jumped to a new scene where I was sitting in old automobile with three other people . Two were from employees at the museum , but the other I didn 't recognize . Anyway we were being chased by another car . The girl beside me was really freaking out yelling , " He 's insane ! Truely insane ! " I didn 't know who she was talking about but I woke up after that . What does all that mean and why did I dream it ? i have two dreams that i often have that would be really good if you could tell me what they mean . my first dream is one that i have been having for around 6 years and it started when my mum got really sick . what happens in the dream is i am flying down stairs , but its not like done easily and i 'm struggling to keep myself up . i fly outside and down the road for a little while but then i get a sudden urge to go back home . i open the front door to find my dad sitting on the couch with my mum lying across his lap . she is all bandaged up with a sord stuck into her . on her bandages there is a large red cross . i then run to the kitchen to find these evil looking men and women who then take me away . at this stage i usually wake up so i don 't know what happens next . the second dream that occures occasionally is a dream where you are being chased by someone and when you try to scream for help i find that i can 't talk , like i have no voice . please help me understand what these dreams mean . I had this dream almost a year ago now and I was wondering if I could have some light shed on it in hopes of a better understanding . I was eighteen , my brother four . I don 't remember why , but we were running away from something or someone and the only thing I could think of was that I had to protect him , like a matriarchal instinct . We live in the country so there 's a lot of woods and fields around the house , and we were running through them , towards the east , southeast , away from the house . At first I thought it was my dad that we were running away from ( it 's just my dad , brother and me ) , but I realised a second later that it wasn 't , but I couldn 't remember , in the dream , who it was . After a while , it starts to be about mid - day , early afternoon , and we come to this house out in the middle of the woods , a little way from this dirt road . The next thing I know , my brother wasn 't with me , as if he wasn 't there in the first place , but I still felt the need to protect him . Every house in the country runs on a well , and there was one at the side / backyard of the house . It 's wierd but I still remember exactly what the house looked like : grey siding on the sides and back , grey brick on the front , white door , white shutters , a big evergreen tree in the front yard on the left side of the house , and a big wood rap - around deck . So I went to the well and opened the top and there was this terrible smell coming from the bottom . There was a ladder leading down so I decided to climb down it and see what it was . I slipped on the last rung and fell into what I thought was water . I was wrong . It was a pool of blood up to my knees and floating in it were body parts . Horrified I climbed back up and ran into the house ( for whatever reason ) and inside it was much of the same thing ; almost like one of those Saw movies or something . Blood everywhere and bodies left , right and centre . I was crying so hard by that time I couldn 't think straight , and I heard foootsteps coming down the stairs . It was my brothers grandfather , and at that moment Posted by Want to know meaning of getting your hair on fire , finally I put out the fire with water , but have to cut it shorter . First time I dream this ever ! Very curious ! My first dream is I 'm lying in bed at my old house , and looking out into the hallway . I can hear loud footsteps as if someone is coming down the hall . But no one ever comes . Then I wake up . My second dream , it 's night time and the only light is from the moon , me and my dad are driving in the car , and we go to drive up a steep hill . At the top of the hill are five men on horses . There are no barricades on the side of the road at the top , it just drops into nothing . When me and my dad get near the horses , three of them jump off the edge , and the other two run . Then my dream ends . I have them both a lot . In the past two nights I had a dream about my fiance 's ex - fiance . I dreampt that she came back into his life and they started to hang out again as friends . I left him because of it and this did not phase him . When my fiance and I started dating three years ago , I had this dream ( or variations of it ) all the time . It has been two years since I had a dream like this until now . Does this mean that she is going to come back into his life ; or that she already has and I dont know about it ? I have jealousy issues and just the idea of them talking and hanging out makes my stomach turn . I dreamt i was away with my colleagues from work and when i went into the sea i had a jelly fish stuck to my back and they couldn 't get it off . I then had to ask a lifeguard that was in the sea to get it off . I then told my colleagues that i wasn 't going in the sea again and i was going in the jacuzzi . So i had a dream and it truely did scare me . I was at my moms house and in her room on the second floor . for some reason there were boxes in he room and one lamp on the floor , like she was either moving out or moving in . I 've had dreams before that i had been in labor , occurring in many different places , in these dreams . well i was in my moms room and i had gone into labor and within minutes delivered a baby girl . The ubilical cord was still attatched and i had left her because i was scared . i went downstairs to look for my mom . i was crying and i couldnt find anyone . i went outside and i ran into some friends but they all looked at me like i was crazy and didnt know if they should send me to a mental hospital or get me on some serious medication . i was crying so hard , on the ground because i was so scared . No one would help me . i ran back into the house and up the stairs . by the time i had gotten to the room , the baby i had given birth to just moments before was lying on the floor , dead . . . it looked plastic . and the dream was over . I had a dream that an ex boyfriend tried to kill me . The weapon was interesting itwas strange like a dagger but also like a letter opener . like a heart shape at one end for the hilt and a tear drop at the other for the point . he stabbed me in the chest in the centre but there was no bone , blood was everywhere it wouldnt stop flowing but i would not die . my friends were trying to help and get me to a hospital , but we kept on getting stopped he my ex kept on following us , still with this weapon , this dream is concerning me please can you shed some light on what it means i went out with him for 3 weeks and i got a mate to dump him I am dating this guy named Brian . We 've been together for almost three years . We are both 16 years old . We haven 't lost our virginity yet , but we 've come very close to doing so . I love him but lately I feel sort of distant . Over the summer , I thought i was falling in love with one of my best friends Alex . He is so intune with my tangent mind . He and I think completely alike . He and i became pretty close friends over the summer when he was trying to get over a hopeless romance with his best friend jordan , who had Alex wrapped around her finger for 2 years . Lo and behold , she just recently decided that she is just as in love with him as he was with her . They 're now going out . I 'm not sure how i feel about this . I 'm happy that Alex is happy , I would give anything to see him happy and off drugs . But its as if he 's been taken from me . Sorry i haven 't even started talking about the dream yet . This is just somewhat of an exposition . I hope someone actually reads all of this . So in a nutshell : I am in a very serious relationship , in which I 'm starting to feel very neglected . Although Alex wasn 't in my dream , I can stop thinking about him in my waking life . I had a dream earlier this week . The time setting was biblical Canaan . I somehow found out , I think through time travel , that a marriage between Brian and myself had been arranged . I came back to what was the present , and i found Brian and two girls ( who i sit next to in Music Theory - significant ? ) involved in some kind of menage a trois minus the actual . Driven by jelously , i tried to separate them by hitting and punching Brian . They started laughing and i stormed angrily into a concert hall . Somehow unbeknownst to me , I ended up back in the future , preparing with my mother for my wedding to Brian . The wedding ceremony took place in the Colosseum and Brian and I were wed by the priest in a giant gerbil ball that was rolling around the Colosseum floor . We were all in the gerbil ball . Then i woke up . Hello , I 'm a 16 year old girl . The latest dream I had involved a guy that I think is really good looking , have only spoken to twice regarding his friend , but I don 't really think I have any sort of ' crush ' on ( but would like to : p ) . I am on the phone with him in my room and we are talking ( he has rung me ) . He says that he 'll just go round to the supermarket and pick up some junk food and then be round my place . I momentarily move the phone away from my ear and when I put it back he is gone . Suddenly he is in my room and so are three of my friends : female best friend , female close friend , male close gay friend . Whenever my gay friend has my attention , the cute guy will try and regain my attention . Thats the main part ( and most curious for me ) of my dream . The last few months ( 6 approx ) , I 've had multiple dreams of guys that i find reasonably good looking and better . I 'm just curious as to what they mean in relation to me . ( Admittedly I broke up with my first boyfriend almost a year ago and have been single ever since ) . It is the second time I 've had the dream . My Grandmother has died . In my waking life we are very close . While I am paralyzed by grief , my family seems to have accepted it . I 'm nowhere near that part . I cry , and cry , and cry . She 's gone for good . She isn 't coming back and all I want is to talk with her , but I can 't . I 'm devastated . I 'm a 20 year old female and no one in my family has died yet . The first time I had the dream , she came back . She was a spirit and we conversed frequently . I would call , " Grandma , come out . " and she would come . My family thought I was crazy . Grandma recently had a minor surgery . It went well and I had the dream after the surgery . The thought of her death , or my mother 's for that matter , terrifies me . Right now I 'm struggling with my " self . " I want to go back to college . I want to live my life . I want to be happy . I want to write with passion . I want love , I want more friends . I want a more fulfilling life ! I 've been diagnosed as dysthymic , that was 5 months ago . I 've been moderately to severely depressed since I can remember . Happiness is a rare little package that I 'm sometimes lucky enough to find on my doorstep . . . I don 't know if any of this information is useful , but I would really love to know what you think , whomever you are . |
People where getting married . Like everyone . Danella was getting married to a guy named Brent , but no Brent I knew . Though as I sat there I wondered that happened to her current boyfriend , well obviously ex , but I hadn 't known they 'd broken up . I noticed nothing suspicious between them . People where complaining about the pigs we were killing and their parts where left in the ground where people where having weddings . Myself and two gentlemen one was supposed to be my father and the other my brother . we were hunting these pigs no one wanted us to kill . They convinced us to stop . I went inside the house and the other two went on farming in the yard . As I looked out at them I noticed Stormtroopers coming to kill them . I locked the door grabbed my cat and hid . The Stormtroopers didn 't notice me when they got in . until they were walking back downstairs one heard a noise . He turned around and looked down at me hiding behind the stairs . When he made eye contact with me I jumped , punching him in the noise . He fell . and we struggled . I said something cheesy like " go to Hell . " " I 'm not afraid , I 'm a Mormon . " I laughed . " that 's not true ! " I paused . " Quetzalcoatl is the one true god . " I was at a stadium with Eric and Charles . For some reason I was putting a rubber band on Charles 's head to hold his hat on , maybe . The host or an important guy asked " Does anyone like the " dance something . like Dancing with the Stars Charles said " oh , I like that . " but he wasn 't going to say it loud enough for the man to hear . Someone on the other side of the stadium raised his hand . " I like you , " Said the man with the mic . " come over here , sit by me . " Another man , next to the speaker admitted liking it too . " I 'm glad today is a brainless Monday . " Charles stated . " I think it 's Saturday . " I said . Eric flicked the remote on the TV it said " WZ " " Well , it 's Wednesday , " I said " A brainless Wednesday . " ( It was Wednesday when I woke . ) Some sort of school events . It was a week with something science / planty / artistic was going on that friday and every week like this I could not finish my project . If I hadn 't slept in that one day - I would have fifteen more minutes to work on it . Heather was repainting her ex - boyfriend 's ceiling . ( The ex was actually her current ) and we kept moving a fridge . There was a big meeting with the graduating class walking down first . and my ex , what the hell . He was practically stalking me . At one point I told him I 'd hurt him . He didn 't believe me , so I tickled him . Why the hell wasn 't he wearing his shirt . Damn , that was a dumb move , so I attempted to punch him . I kept trying to avoid him especially when I went through the ice tunnels . Eric was getting annoyed that I didn 't know where I was going but kept going ahead of everyone . I was talking with Eric at one point when someone comes up behind me . I instinctively elbowed them in the gut . I turn around and realize it 's Katie not Alex . Damn , I 'm sorry , but she seems to be okay . I was in a play for a class . apparently they were plays by Becket . There were three and the one I was in involved caging a bird , who was a character . I think he was trying to save someone - like a princess or something . Jamie , Noel , Derek , Rob , and Juna were also members of the class and involved in the plays . I sat by Noel after my play was over and I was disappointed , because I couldn 't move the chair . I ended up hanging out with Rob and cuddling with him . Then I was with Eric and cuddling with him . ( My subconscious is a whore ) Eric called me " dark and interesting " and laughed . He apologized for laughing , but compared me to Clemidiaus 's daughter . Clemidiaus was apparently someone in classic lit . However , Eric didn 't know who he was so we decided that he was probably some sort of scientist . I was reading Eric 's shirt which had some scientific - like things on it . I think I decided he must be some sort of biologist - chemic - alchemist . There was also things on his shirt as to what to do if you get hurt like x lead to exit . Exit was death , like exiting this world . Now , I ended up at my house with Alex . He had bought one of those Droid phones . He asked me to plug it in for him , I did . ( I don 't know why . ) It had like what I image scorpionflies ' genitalia clips look like , but all technology and spiny . He had a remote for the Droid . It sprouted legs and walked over to him . There he goes spending his money on useless tech . But in my flirtatious attitude , which was perfectly acceptable , I missed the other two plays . Derek was dressed in a weird fancy outfit for one of them . I found him standing on the stage , he was holding something , like a skull . He turned to me " as your , " He paused trying to think of the word " Godmother , " Godmother ? ? I thought he was my husband - in - law ? " as your godmother , I have a turnip about the wind . " Juna looked up " a turnip ? " " yes . " Then it turns out all the guys I was flirting with wanted to be my boyfriend . I wanted Derek to explain to them that since he was my husband - in - law that he knew who I lovPosted by I was in a building . It was set up like a store , with little rooms . and we were playing some sort of game each person had a character and if you talked to them something odd would happen . One of them came up to me and said " If you haven 't gone over there yet . " The person pointed to the toy store . " don 't go over there Alan is a zombie . " Alan is zombie ? okay . I avoid that spot for a while then I went over to see what that was about . He had a plate full of fry potato chips . They were delicious . Then he said " have you come over here yet ? " I didn 't answer , but zombie lunged at me . Eric and his friends were wondering around Eric alone and his friends elsewhere together . I didn 't know if his friends knew who I was but I followed them for a bit . Dustin was there and Jesse and some kid that looked kinda like Eric , but like his evil twin or something . He was shorter and had lighter hair and a lighter hat . I don 't think " Evil Twin " talked as much . Finally they found Eric . He didn 't notice me , but I ended up loosing them in the crowd . I found them at a table except that they had convinced Eric to hide from me . I saw him anyway , because he hadn 't gotten far . My science class was located in the middle of the woods . I passed by another class from a different school - a wildlife class , that was going on a trip . When I got to my class my legs were covered in spider webs . I asked if I could go ask one of the hikers for something to wipe the webs off with . Jeremy was standing outside . He said " hi , I haven 't seen you in a while . " I hugged him and asked him to help . He gave me something to whip off my spider web encased feet . He told me that the spider was living in my left - hand pocket . Non - sense , I would have noticed that . He replied saying that Apophis would have made sure the pocket was hidden . Well , I thought , that 's the last time I wear someone else 's pants . Something was happening , class was just let out and SG - 1 was there . In the middle of the woods - we had to get to higher ground . Something about the world flooding . We got split up half went the right way . Finding the backup camp and avoiding the strange metal birds . Jacob Carter / Selmak ( Stargate ) was there as the leader . Later , another surviving group of humans came to interview him , asking Selmak how they all had survived . The other group went the wrong way " We are almost there . " one of us said . It turns out we weren 't , but we found base camp . Sam Carter and Daniel Jackson were there and needed to blow up the building . Daniel Jackson was going to sacrifice himself to do that , but was convinced not to . The metallic birds started to attack . I didn 't have a gun so I wiggled my figures at them and froze a few and threw them into the woods . We managed to get back to the backup camp . I 'd just moved into this new house - which was somehow in Texas , but looked like it was in New England . It was a huge house with lots of stairs on a hill . The stairs were narrow and steep like most old New England houses . The last owners had left everything they owed ( or at least most of it ) there . So , it was my job to clean and go through everything . Some of the things left in the house were neat - like Klingon Statuettes . Juna , Alison , Angela and maybe a few others were helping out and keeping me company . I was talking about cleaning and all the neat things I found . I told Alison about the gay sleepover party and how Juna and Derek called Eric and I the cutest gay couple on campus . Angela and her friends had found a secret ladder in the attic to New Orleans . They came back and one went to the bathroom . It was a fancy bathroom - we had a bunch of fancy toilets . I asked why and she said that they didn 't have stairs in New Orleans . alright . I went into the attic room . The stairs were rickety metal pieces poorly put together . They were just suspended footholds and wires 14 gauge above my head to hang on to . I tired to climb it , but I couldn 't easily hang on to all of the hooks , so I jumped off . Strange colors and lights came from the entrance to New Orleans I asked about it . " Oh , " Angela said . " they 're having Mardi Gras . " - - - - - - - - - - - - - Zappy GunsI was in some sort of bar and an old lady was signing out weapons . One woman was not allowed to have a . 48 but was allowed to have a . 38 . I asked the old lady what it mattered , but she didn 't give me a strait answer . We had to use guns , because they weren 't allowed to know we had zat guns . ( we must have been from StarGate - - I watch too much of that ) We were - I 'm not sure where we went , but some of the other guys started to fire at us so we fired back . Some of them chased us and I was corned by a few guys on bikes . One was Andy , one might have been Alan and I 'm pretty sure the last was a Dan . They wanted me to give them the invisibility device . I didn 't have it with me anPosted by I was a leader of a group at war with another . Well , it wasn 't so much as a war as a dislike for one another . Also our group would steal supplies from them . Myself , Derek , a young , pretty girl and possibly another one or two were going to the neighboring land . I , being a poor student , got distracted by change on the ground . Myself and the girl ( ( my ) Jen or Shannon ) began picking up the change . I actually requested the girl to help . She helped , but she wasn 't as interested in it as I . Derek and the others were getting impatient . We needed to move now . This wouldn 't take long , I insisted . We moved through limbo traps ( picked up some nickels and dimes ) , crawled by tables in a restaurant with the bright red cushioned seats . ( picked up pennies and nickels ) The girl and I found ourselves in a maze of showers . My left arm got dirty and I went to wash it . The disembodiment voice of Derek told me not to . He said that the showers by the exit would work just fine . Outside it was spring , fresh grass and melting snow . Derek , myself and possibly Eric were sitting on a rock . Food and alcohol were found in the nearby woods . It was being catapulted from the enemy 's land . We had friends there , we 'd have to assume . Something had gotten stuck in a tree - it seemed important at the time . Some kids would throw things at it to get it down . Seeing the kids were handling it I turned my attention to meeting our friends from the other land . I lead my party down the path , covertly . Coming toward us was a group of the enemy - just on their side of the border . There were more of them then us . Someone must have been spotted or I was worried about what the enemy group would do . I got on the path and slowly walked toward them , my hands raised . " I 'm in charge here . I just want to talk . " I turned to Eric while we were walking down the street our school was on . " Derek 's dead , right ? " I said quietly . " I had a dream about him . " I wondered if I should say more . In the dream he 'd died worse then he had in reality . I was walking slightly behind Eric . HPosted by Someone was going to die . I knew where and when . They 'd be killed , shot in Wegman 's room at the high school . The time he would be shot was 6 : 03 and I couldn 't get there in time . I was at a meeting of some sort . It seemed like a protest . It was in a field , partly cloudy and there where five other people at this meeting . I couldn 't leave and I kept arriving a few minutes late to Wegman 's the man was already dead . I would reset the game . At one point I was in Wegman 's room and they noticed some inconsistence in my outfit and where I should be . I realized that I wasn 't restarting a game , I was going back in time . I needed to get help or shrugging off questions would start getting hard . I went to the main stairwell - a beautify piece of architecture . I found Alison and told her we needed to talk . Unfortunately the very small , but nice looking library already had two people in it , so we ended up in a bathroom . I also sought out Alex and told him to get there a little before six . " that 's his form now . " Alex said , shooting the bad guy as I walked in from the basement . On second thought - I really hoped that was Alex . ___________________ The Kitten Thing Alan , Austin and myself were walking from between dorms at night . Alan started to make ghost sounds . A bit creepy , but Austin said that it was fine as long as the kitten thing doesn 't happen again . I 'm walking along worried I 'm going to step on a cat , but that wasn 't it . The Kitten thing happened again . About half way there we see a pair of green cat eyes . Alan runs up to it to pet , but it ran away . There is another and a third . This time the cat doesn 't run away and I pet it as I walk by and the next . After that the next 5 are running counterclockwise around me . At the door of the dorm of our destination Mike is freaking out and running in circles - he doesn 't have a key . I had just made this tea out of some plants . It was good . I was at a meeting at the SGC ( Stargate command ) with the SG - 1 team and two other people who were appointed italics and underlined . I was appointed by general Hammond Commissioner of the Tea . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It was a battle between humans and sticky foam transformers . I don 't recall it being too epic . We were running around a giant white maze for a while . Tensions were high and people were paranoid . I looked around there were several Stargates lined up at this place . Two of the people behind me were whispering about how they did not like the guy behind them . Looking back I saw that it was Eric . He had a gun and was ready to fight the bad guys just like everyone else . The lieutenant - who was either Sam Carter ( SG - 1 ) or Alice Melvin ( Pumpkin Scissors ) was the target of some humanoids who didn 't like us . In fact they wanted to make the LT responsible for the torture and death of the previous teams that were already present on that planet . The bad guy ( a girl rather ) was explaining that it was the LT 's fault all these people had and were going to die horribly . I had taken a slight walk from the Stargate . There were skulls with and without flesh along other body parts . The LT ordered us back - she didn 't want to stick around . As I jumped to the gate I shouted " I 'm sorry , Eric " I guess Eric wasn 't going to make it back . The other people didn 't like him anyway . The people in between the light and the dark are the easiest to sway to the dark . The Narrator said . There was an epic Star Trek space battle , by epic I really mean Next Generation - ish battle . so not all that epic . It 's my job to make sure they don 't end on that side . It was Jean - luc Picard . I was in my house - the kitchen . My uncle ( that no one likes ) showed up . Why ? not to have my mom help him with his money . He wanted me to send a message to Capone and those people . The message was $ 0 they would know what it means . He would tell them more later . My uncle wanted to turn them to the dark side or Satanic heathens . I was furious , but I nodded . When my uncle left the driveway I stomped out of the house on a walk with the intent to call Steve and rant to him . Steph was out for a walk too however and waited for me . I complained to her as we walked to Kari - an 's - where she was staying . Kari - an 's mother was finishing dinner . She invited me to stay , handed me a pair of pliers and a wrench . The would be an interesting supper . So you see , we were staying . . . well I 'm not sure where we were , but it wasn 't one of the appropriate starships . Seven and Geordi were sharing a room . I think it was like a meeting room too . Geordi as I learned later apparently was stuck in a cargo bay for his first few years in Starfleet . It was also reminded to me that he is black . That was compared to Scotty . I think it was saying that all the black people die like all the redshirts . . . except for Scotty and Geordi of course . ( I thought this show wasn 't supposed to be racist , of course I might be . ) Well in any case it appears that Geordi actually got some this time . It was Seven and they had a kid . I guess they weren 't supposed to have a kid . * He was blind like Geordi . We needed to cut off his head or something . Seven insisted that we needed to wait for the kid to adjust . Troi was adamant that we needed to do it now . We would have to advise him on how to adjust . This we did . We gave him a VISOR and told him that if things didn 't work out right we 'd teleport Seven into the past in her own womb so the baby would die . ( She had a VISOR too for some reason ) We taught him how to see and this lead to him learning how to project what he thought and we could interact with it as well . He made a cocktail party . It was more of a classy strip club , however there was no anyone - strippers , customers . . . also he was a fish swimming above a stool . Then later he made a shark game , he could control his pieces with his mind . He asked how others could play . I said that they could just press the buttons and I did so . We played a game - I lost . it was overcast , Ardra and I where putting away her games . Then I went home , but Ardra forgot to give me something . " it 's raining , " I said " you sure you want to leave your games outside ? " she said it would be fine , but i didn 't think so so i covered the PS2 and Xbox with a hat . as i went to leave her driveway again I saw ducks . Two ducks , they were both female , but pretty . I also seem to have acquired a small butcher knife . I had heard somewhere that if you cut off the duck 's head it was no longer meat , but fruit . That seemed interesting maybe I should try it . I held the duck and lifted the knife . She seemed to know what I was doing and closed her eyes in anticipation . I couldn 't do it - I had to get home anyway . I let the duck go and started back home . The sidewalk was unplowed and there was still snow on it . I stopped when I saw two foxes blocking my path . They seemed a bit big for foxes , but for some reason I believed they weren 't dangerous so I walked around them . One of the foxes bit my shirt and tugged on it playfully . " no , " I said sweetly . " I have to go . . . " I think I 'll name her Rora , short for Aurora . I thought . I looked back at the foxes from behind the screen door . See you later , Rora . There was a bunch of us at this party game type thing . I was complaining to someone about my computer possibly being broken and Shannon had just gotten a new one . She let me look at it . the bottom of the laptop was . . . the underside of the keys . I didn 't questioned how it worked . I went back to Emmet and Kat . ( my ) Jen was up with a group at the game . She almost got the right answer but ( Courtney 's ) Jen got the right answer . ( my ) Jen didn 't realize at first , but they were on the same team . When she realized appeared above her was a music note in a speech bubble . Kat and I were sick of whatever shit was going on - we were leaving . Emmet and Kevin came with . The boys where all for jumping on and off things ( slightly free running - ish ) I thought they were crazy , but I found one that I would do - in front of someones house , but everything here was part of someone 's house we were in a city - rather a populated area of a small town . I jumped on the dead tree and running to jump off the trunk - it snapped . I landed fine , but the owner wasn 't too happy . he yelled at us saying we broke his hiatus . The four of us scattered . The man had a gun and was quite upset we broke his hiatus . I found a small restaurant just below the small dirt cliff I was running along . I thought this would be a good place to hide , even though I had a gun myself - a revolver and a knife . I slid down the dirt and found myself running through the building - the man had followed me . He had his gun pointed at me and was talking to me . My gun was out too , but upon trying to fire it . . . . I didn 't have any ammo . shit , I thought , someone else must have used the gun before me . I didn 't remember firing it more then once . No , matter I just had to get him close enough to use my knife . I kept talking to him , he 'd walk closer and drop his guard . When he did I took out my knife and stabbed the side of his gun . When it was over the four of us sat in that same restaurant waiting for lunch . We decided to open the closet that was next to us , because we kept hearing something . IPosted by Ardra and I stopped by Dunkin Donuts as we usually do . We ran into a girl I went to high school , Loni . I 'm not even sure I said ' hi ' to her , but we continued about our business . Ending up at another DD . Loni was there too , we weren 't following her , I think . She didn 't seem to notice or say anything about it , so it wasn 't worrisome . I walked up to the counter - I needed to deal with some things . grabbing a receipt and a pen , I glanced at the donuts . . . chocolate . . . Boston cream . . . Mr . Steve . . . . Mr . Steve ? that 's a new one . as I looked at it though it became apparent that it was not a new flavor . It was just a new name for the glazed . . . on the back of the receipt I started writing down friends names . |
By : Haley J . The Bat Post - Departure . The ties that hold them all together are straining after what Tess did . The gang struggles to bring themselves back . This focuses on Iz and Kyle . Post - Departure . Everyone left behind has to deal with the grief in their own way . Their emotions are coming down around them , and they all need release . Author 's Notes : This fic has Kyle / Isabel in it , and seems to be the focus of the story . But at its heart , this story is all CC . Kyle and Isabel just need someone to lean on , and everyone else seemed to be occupied . " Where are you going ? " Max asked lazily from the spot on the couch he 'd been spending a lot of time on lately . " You 're always leaving lately . " Isabel turned around in the doorway and looked at her brother . The question seemed casual enough , but she knew him better . Inside his eyes was a flicker of hurt - more hurt than was there usually , that is . She walked to the couch and gave him a hug . Without a word , she turned around and left in a matter of seconds . She jumped into the crappy car their parents had bought when the jeep hadn 't turned up from being " stolen . " The radio was playing an upbeat song about love , but Isabel switched it to a metal station . This music defined her feelings at that moment much better . Max hadn 't done much over the summer but sit at home and go places with Liz . Personally , Isabel didn 't see why the girl had given into Max again so easily . If Alex had . . . Isabel 's hands shook on the wheel , and tears sprang to her eyes . No . She would never , ever compare Alex to Max . A memory of Alex 's best nerdy grin surfaced , and she choked out a sob . The best thing about Alex 's grin was that it was so . . . real . It was uninhibited , one hundred percent Alex , all set out for the world to see . If anyone wore their heart on their sleeve , it was Alex . The car screeched to a halt in front of the Valenti household , and she honked the horn three long times . Then she rested her head against the seat and closed her eyes . The pain of remembering Alex was becoming too intense . She needed to see Kyle . " Yeah . Yeah , I guess it does , " Kyle murmured , raking a hand through his hair . His forehead was wrinkled in worry . But it always was ever since Tess . Isabel jerked the car forward suddenly when she thought of Tess . Thinking of the blonde always made her angry , then sad , then devastated . She wasn 't keen on being any of those things anytime soon ; she just wanted to be the way she was before Tess ruined her life . Kyle turned to the window and didn 't face her again until she stopped the car . They were in the middle of the desert , but on the other side of Roswell than the Granilith . She pulled the keys out and put them in her purse . Then they both sat there in silence for several long minutes . " Shut up , Isabel . " Kyle whirled towards her . " I don 't want to talk about Max . I hate him just as much as I . . . " He trailed off , unable to finish . " He 's my brother , " Isabel whispered . " No matter how desperate and demented he gets , he 's still my brother . I love him , even when I don 't want to . " Kyle clenched his jaw as if he wanted to comment , but he managed to hold himself off . " We 're alone in this , Isabel . No one else can understand . Liz and Max could never see beyond themselves and their own problems unless it was directly affecting them . I rarely see Maria and Michael anymore . They 're always at Michael 's place getting it on or whatever freaky shit their up to . " " You seem to be angry a lot lately , Kyle . " Isabel scrutinized him . Since when was Isabel the Ice Queen so pensive ? She was witty , charming , gorgeous . . . but never pensive . Kyle quickly put his arm around her and brought her face up to his in a kiss . Isabel closed her eyes and probed his mouth with her tongue . She sought comfort , and Kyle was the only one who could provide it for her . The kisses weren 't sweet . They weren 't innocent and budding with love like Alex 's used to be . They were just kisses , and lacking in everything Isabel wanted . But when she was kissing Kyle , her body was distracted . She could sometimes convince her mind to become distracted , too , and then she forgot about Alex and Tess and her whole shitty life for just a few moments . A few moments were all she craved right now . Her hands went for his pants , and she undid the button and zipper with familiar fingers . They didn 't waste time with foreplay . It was just two desperate people fucking . Isabel had never liked to use that word associated with sex before , but there wasn 't another for what she did with Kyle . It wasn 't anything emotional . She 'd never felt anything more than annoyed friendship with Kyle , and she never would . Kyle 's hand reached up to cup her breast , and he kneaded it gently . Isabel arched her back and pulled away from his lips to rest her head against the back of her seat . Her skin was coming alive , and her brain was becoming foggy . She smiled dreamily . Isabel undid her jeans as well , and she pushed them down her legs unceremoniously . Kyle 's hand on her chest pushed her down , and he stayed on top of her as she rested across the seats . " Feels good , " Isabel whispered her encouragement . " I 'll say . " Kyle flashed her a strained smile that was supposed to be joking . He kissed her again , his lips moving desperately against hers . Isabel felt tears spring to her eyes , but it was okay . This wouldn 't be the first time she cried while they were doing this . After another few minutes of making out , Isabel felt Kyle enter her . He thrust in and out of her immediately , and she wrapped her legs around his waist . They pulled away from the kissing then so that each could concentrate on forgetting . Isabel turned her head to the side , away from him , and felt the tears spill over as Kyle brought her closer and closer to the edge . Kyle didn 't bother trying to comfort her . The first few times he 'd tried to say things , tried to make sure she was all right . He realized after awhile that Isabel was just venting . A mixture of the sex and the tears made her grief muted for just a little while . Isabel thrust her hips against his and gasped , arching her back against him . She was close . . . so close to oblivion . Kyle sensed this , and he brought a hand down to rub her clit roughly . Then the tightness ceased , everything ceased , and Isabel was thrown into pleasure for a glorious moment . She distantly felt and heard Kyle 's release , and then he collapsed on top of her . After awhile , Kyle pulled himself up and looked down at her . Their tears had dried , and it was time to go back to reality . They both moved to their seats and pulled their discarded clothes back on . Then Isabel turned the keys in the ignition and pulled the car around to head back to Roswell . Neither spoke on the ride home . Kyle stared out the window again and wondered for the thousandth time if this was wrong . He still loved Tess ; Isabel still loved Alex . Was this the right way to deal with the pain ? Kyle shook his head and looked at Isabel . Her eyes were red rimmed as she stared straight ahead . That and her tightened fingers on the wheel were the only indication the she wasn 't her usual well - put - together self . They stopped at Kyle 's house . " I need to reapply my makeup , " Isabel said tensely . " Then do you want to go to the Crashdown for lunch ? " They walked inside together , and Kyle spotted his dad on the couch with a distant stare in his eyes . " Hey , Dad , " Kyle said softly . He sat down next to him while Isabel went to use their bathroom . Kyle wanted to roll his eyes at his dad 's use of teenage slang , but he didn 't . Jim looked so out of it that he couldn 't bear to . " Nothing . I 'm going to the Crashdown in a few minutes . Want me to bring you a DeLuca pie home ? " Jim shook his head . " No . . . no . We should eat healthier . Tess said - " He stopped short , coughed again , and stood up . " I 'd better go , um . . . yeah . . . " Kyle watched his dad go . He collapsed against the couch and threw a hand over his eyes . For some reason seeing Jim 's pain made his even sharper . He wanted to ask Tess why she did it . . . but Max had shoved them all out of the Granilith before he could do more than yell . Yelling had felt good at the moment . . . but Kyle regretted it all now . He just wanted to see her , talk to her , forgive her . . . Kyle snapped his eyes open to see Isabel standing in front of him . Her face was so impeccable you wouldn 't have guessed she 'd been crying her eyes out a little while ago . Kyle stood up abruptly and gripped her neck , pulling her close and ravaging her mouth . Isabel struggled slightly at first , but then she succumbed to him . Kyle shut his eyes tightly and imagined it was Tess . Then he pushed Isabel away abruptly , disgusted with himself . He wiped his hand across his mouth and started for the door , expecting her to follow . In the car , Isabel put it in drive and didn 't speak . They never asked questions anymore . They were using each other for a common need , nothing more . " Tess used my room , and all her things are in it . I - I can 't . . . I can 't go in there anymore . " Kyle studied the menu in front of him , unable to meet her eyes . He 'd never talked about Tess much before . Now that he felt he could , he didn 't want to talk to anyone but Isabel . Only Isabel knew the pain of losing someone you loved . " Hey , guys ! " Maria came to the edge of the table and smiled . There were bags under her eyes , and she looked exhausted . " What do you guys want to drink ? " Isabel hated Tess . " No . . . I 'll be okay , " Kyle assured her . He was lying ; he had a feeling that things would never be okay again . " Here you go , " Maria said as she set their drinks down . She also put a pot of milk in front of Kyle . He picked up his mug and took a sip of it black , not even wincing . " Wow . You have definitely got some skills , Kyle . Are you hungry ? " Maria 's eyes widened as she stared at Isabel . " W - What ? Um . . . that 's a really nice way to greet someone with self - esteem issues . " " I mean it , " Isabel pressed . " You look like you haven 't slept in weeks , and I know you haven 't . I 'm not saying to give Michael up completely , but . . . you need to spend a few days just sleeping and relaxing . " " I want a slice of your mom 's pie . I don 't care what kind , " Kyle interrupted . He pushed his menu aside and drank some more of the coffee . Isabel 's eyes went downcast , and she played with the edge of the table . " I know . Sometimes I wonder how people do this . How do I go on ? I - I know I could never love someone else . " Kyle reached across the table and took Isabel 's hand , squeezing it . " I couldn 't either . I guess we 're stuck living our lives in unrequited love with a good friend to . . . " He trailed off , not wanting to bring up what he and Isabel did . They didn 't speak of it - not when they were in reality . He didn 't want to lose the one comfort he had . " Here are your pies . " Maria appeared at the table again with a slight tick in her voice . She was glaring down at their hands , and Isabel snatched hers away . Kyle did so more slowly , wanting to show Maria that he wasn 't ashamed . " We had chocolate pie today . It 's really good . " She set the pies down with a clatter , spilling a little of the chocolate filling on Kyle arm . " See ya . " Kyle looked down at his arm , shrugged , and licked it off . He heard Isabel make a sound in front of him , and he looked up . " What ? " They both jumped up from the table and made their way to the bathroom as casually as possible . Kyle walked into the girl 's bathroom with Isabel . She insisted that no girl with any class would ever use this bathroom , so they would be free of interruptions . This wasn 't the first time they 'd used the Crashdown bathroom . Maria put her hands on her hips and glared . " Do something about Kyle and Isabel . Talk to Isabel . I don 't care what you do ! Just do something . " Maria walked to the doorway . Then she stopped and turned back to Michael . " And I don 't want to do anything with you this weekend . I need time to myself . " With that , she left a very confused Michael staring after her . The next day , Michael still didn 't know what the hell was going on with Maria . She 'd ignored his calls , and when he tried to go to her window , she 'd yelled his ear off . There had to be something wrong . Michael didn 't just miss her because of the sex , either . He was used to having Maria around all the time . It was actually starting to unnerve him just how comfortable he 'd grown around her . " Oh . . . " Max looked a little disappointed . " Well , she 's out again . She probably won 't be back for an hour or two . At least , that 's how long she stays out normally . " " Where does she go ? " Michael pushed his way past Max and into the living room . It looked like Max had been camped out in front of the TV , so he sat down on the couch . Max sat next to him and shrugged . " I 've no idea . I asked her about it , but she just . . . she acted really weird about it . She hugged me and left . " Michael stayed quiet for a moment , looking around . Max , sitting around and watching TV ? Come to think of it , he hadn 't seen him at the Crashdown very much lately . " Um , Max ? Are you . . . doing . . . okay ? " Michael struggled , but he got the words out . Michael may hate to do this kind of shit , but it was Max . Where was Michael if Max was a total wreck ? " C ' mon , man , " Michael continued . " I know you 're not . You can talk to me . I mean . . . we 're not as close as we used to be , but you 're still my best friend . " He laughed bitterly . " No . Not really . Well . . . kinda . It 's a whole bunch of stuff . I mean , at the top of my list is the fact that Tess is carrying my child in another universe . That 's weighing me down just a tad . Then there 's the sudden reality crash that there 's no point in any of this . I have to go back to Antaran . I can 't . . . I can 't leave my son there . This is just fate trying to take me where I belong . And Liz . . . Liz is being so nice . But she 's not the same person . Or maybe I changed . We just don 't connect like we used to because there 's this big Tess - shaped thing between us . Everything just . . . sucks . " Michael nodded along . Then he rested his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes . How was he supposed to do this ? Max needed him , and for once Michael was willing to be supportive . But how ? " I don 't know what to say , Max . " " You don 't have to say anything . Just . . . come over more often . I never see you anymore . You 're always at the Crashdown or with Maria . " " I 'm sorry . " Michael said the words meekly because he was saying them when he actually felt them . God , Maria is having a lasting effect on my life . She 's definitely gotta go if she 's making me act like this . Michael smirked at the thought . Fat chance . " Let 's go rent some movies and wait for Izzy to come home . I feel like some Close Encounters and E . T . Think Isabel will be up for one of our old alien - movie marathons ? " " You think I don 't know that ? " She sucked in some more smoke angrily and blew it in Kyle 's face . " But it was . . . it seemed so . . . real . I mean , he had Alex 's sense of humor down pat . He was wearing one of those button down shirts . " Isabel felt tears spring to her eyes . " I ran when he said hello . " " You 've got to quit smoking , Isabel . " Kyle reached for the cigarette and threw it out the window . " You 'll be addicted before you know it . " " It gives me something to do when I can 't get to you . " Isabel looked down at her palms . " I 've been looking for any way to escape lately . I . . . " " Me , too , " Kyle said softly , seeming to read her mind . " I pulled out a razor blade and was all ready to do it . But . . . then I thought that if I kill myself , I 'm letting Tess win . She screwed me over . I won 't lie down and let her finish the job . " Kyle barked out a laugh . " This is the worst I 've ever felt in my life . When Liz left me for Max , I thought that she had plucked my heart out and stomped on it until all I felt was pain . This is . . . this can 't even compare . " Kyle took her cigarette , but instead of throwing it out , he took a drag , closing his eyes and blowing it out . Isabel smiled at the look on his face and pulled another one out for herself . " I 'm old enough to smoke . No one can stop me . " Isabel immediately was on her guard . He shouldn 't talk about it ! He wasn 't supposed to ever talk about it . " What happened to living in the moment ? " Kyle stared at her for a long time . He seemed to be reading her soul when he nodded slowly and murmured , " Yeah . I guess you 're right . " Isabel wasn 't stupid . He would bring it up again . She threw her cigarette out the window and started up the car . " I 'm taking you home . " About half an hour later , Isabel walked into her house with the intention of taking a long , hot bath and going to bed early . That 's why she became angry when she ran into Michael and Max in the living room . " Hey , " she greeted , coming through the door . Isabel rolled her eyes . " Aren 't we a little old for that , boys ? And I don 't want to watch movies . " She started to go to her room , but Max put a hand out to stop her . " Max ! " Isabel bit her lip . " You sure were being a great brother when you fucked Tess , huh ? " She turned and left , but stopped at the doorway to add , " And I 'm with Kyle . You don 't have to worry . " She went to her room and started gathering the supplies she 'd need for a bath . She was just picking up her robe when the door opened . " What do you want , Michael ? " " And there you go , " Isabel whispered to herself . Everything Michael did these days tied back to Maria . Maria , Maria , Maria . Isabel was sick of her ! " What ? " Michael must have decided it wasn 't important because he kept talking . " Um . . . you 've been spending a lot of time with Kyle lately ? " " What 's it to you ? He 's my friend , " Isabel snapped . She was defensive about Kyle . She and Kyle knew what they were doing , but nobody else would understand . " He 's your friend , too . " Michael snorted . " I wouldn 't go that far . But . . . " He sighed again and shrugged his shoulders . " Is there anything going on between you ? " That was it . Isabel cracked . She dropped everything in her hands , rushed forward and punched Michael in the jaw . " Quit trying to reassert yourself in my life ! I don 't want you there . And Kyle 's and my relationship is none of anyone 's business ! " Isabel was shocked at how easy that was , but then she thought better . Michael knew when to back off because he was the same way ; he didn 't want people nosing around anything to do with him , and he only let a few people get away with it . She shut the door when he left and collapsed against the back of it . As soon as the tears started she got her phone and collapsed on her bed . " I don 't care anymore , Kyle ! Just come over here ! " She slammed the phone down and buried her head in her pillow , tears wetting the surface of it . Liz was surprised , to say the least , to see Max sitting on her bed when she entered her room . Her shift downstairs had just ended , and she was too exhausted to scream . She held a hand to her heart and gasped for breath . " Jesus , Max . You scared me . " " Of course . " She swallowed and shut her door , then went to sit down next to him . Her hand reached for his , and she squeezed it reassuringly . " You can always come to me , Max . " At least . . . he used to be able to . Lately he hadn 't said more than a handful of words to her . " Max . . . " Liz couldn 't take another one of these . She wasn 't sure if she could just fall into his arms when he said that ; she had changed . " I just wanted to let you know that . . . despite everything , I really do love you . It 's always been you , and it always will be . " Max ran a thumb over her hand . " I know you didn 't believe that , and I gave you good reason - " " I know . " His voice broke . " And you can 't imagine how sorry I am . We say that we understand , but we don 't . You don 't understand that you 're my everything . " " How can you say that ? " Liz started crying . " I know you want your son back . . . I 'm not everything . I 'm Liz . . . I used to come first in your life , Max , but a long time ago we both figured out that doing that puts you in danger . I 've accepted it , and now you need to . " " Then do that . " Liz let go of his hand . " I understand , Max . I can 't say I 'm not hurt , but I understand . . . and I have enough strength to let you go . " " We both know that this won 't work . It 's too intense for real life , and . . . maybe someday , Max . We can both strive for a someday . " Liz lurched forward and hugged him . " And I will love you from this distant planet . You have so much more than this . You owe it to your people . Me . . . I 'm just your high school sweetheart . " " God . " Max buried his face in her neck . She closed her eyes and held him close . She would give him comfort right now because it was what they needed . But soon she would have to start breaking away . Tess had proved to her that there were things a lot more important than love . Maria 's face appeared at the window . She opened it and reached for him , kissing him soundly . She backed away just as abruptly , and he staggered through the opening . " Liz called me . . . Max visited her . " Maria pushed him away . He watched , dumbfounded , as she went to the door to lock it . " I don 't want my mother walking in , " she explained . Michael sat down on her bed and gestured for her to sit next to him . He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and hugged her close . " I don 't say it , but I love you . You 're the most important thing in my life . " " Because you 're happy . " Michael scooted backwards on the bed , and she followed . " Let 's not do anything tonight . I just want to be with you . " " Okay , " Maria said , nodding as if she understood . " I was pushing you away because I 've been so tired lately . We can 't keep spending all our free time together because I need sleep . " Michael wanted to laugh , but he stifled it . This was the time to bring up something that had been on the edge of his mind lately . " Move in with me , Maria . I don 't want to wait another year to have you with me all the time . We can balance things easier . No more sneaking into your room at three in the morning . You can just stay with me . " " Okay . " Maria laughed slightly . " Okay ! Wow . " She kissed his chest impulsively and wrapped an arm around his waist , pulling him closer . " We 're going to move in together . " Michael sighed . " I don 't know , Maria . Max and I wanted to have a movie marathon with her . . . we used to do that all the time , just a few years ago . But she got angry and yelled . She said some pretty mean shit . I followed her to her room and confronted her , but she . . . she punched me . " He tickled her side briefly , until he felt he 'd gotten his revenge . " There might be something going on there . . . or it could just be that Isabel felt cornered and she acted out . Isabel does that a lot . " Maria sighed . " I guess . . . It just feels so wrong for her to be with someone else when Alex just died a few months ago . I know it hit her hard . She loved him . I could tell more when he was dead when he was alive though . " " I don 't think Isabel is doing anything with Kyle . She 's not attracted to him , and . . . Isabel has closed herself off . You might not see it , but I can . She 's grieving . She can 't be with someone and grieve at the same time . " The next morning , Isabel took the car before Max woke up . She especially didn 't want anyone asking questions today . Not with where she was going . She parked the car at the cemetery and stared at the grave a few feet away . The dirt was still fresh . When she was little , she 'd had this fear that if you walked near a new grave , the person was still alive and would eat you . Isabel closed her eyes , wishing that she could have such simple fears again . " Probably . But it feels pretty real to me , " Alex said . " I , um . . . I think I 'm caught in some kind of limbo . Unfinished business and all that . " Isabel felt tears fall down her cheeks , and she shook her head . " No , no . Not me , Alex . I don 't deserve you . I never did . " Isabel 's car felt empty , and she turned to see that the Alex had disappeared . She gulped and reached for her cell phone . " Kyle ? I 'm coming over , all right ? " Kyle leaned his forehead against his old bedroom door . He was sitting Indian style on the floor and torturing himself over Tess . Again . He needed to get in the room and clean it up . As soon as he could do that , he could release himself of Tess . Tess . . . He 'd said she was a sister , but he had been so wrong . He just hadn 't realized it until he remembered carrying Alex . . . His heart had torn into tiny little pieces , scattered across the galaxy so far apart that he knew he 'd never find enough to make a new heart . " Why ? " Kyle whispered , hoping she could hear him when he knew she couldn 't . " Why 'd you do it ? Why 'd you do a lot of things . . . starting with your little friendly game of doctor with Max . Yeah , I 'd definitely like to start there . " Kyle groaned . " Back to talking to yourself again ? " he muttered . He laughed a little , but not because it was funny , because he it felt normal to laugh . He 'd do anything to feel normal again . Kyle reached up and opened the doorknob , pushing the door open before he could talk himself out of it . His heart started racing . He hadn 't opened her door in a . . . long time . Months . Probably not since she 'd left . " Okay , you 've opened the forbidden door . Now get your ass in there and look at her stuff . Put it in bags , and get rid of it . Burn it ! Yes , burning is a good idea . " Kyle 's words were strong , but his voice quivered . " Shit , I can 't do this . " Kyle stood up , grabbed the doorknob , and shut the door . He went into the living room and picked up the phone . Isabel had called him a lot lately . It was okay for Kyle to call her again . Even if they had met just earlier that day . Kyle picked up the phone , ready to dial . He couldn 't . Things with Isabel had been feeling very wrong lately . Their sex had become desperate , quick , and much more frequent . Either things were getting worse , or they were about to come to a breakdown . Isabel didn 't go back to the cemetery for a week , but every night she dreamed of Alex . And during the day she wondered if he was real . After deciding that he was indeed her imagination , she got in the car to visit his grave again . She would prove to herself that she was stronger than this . Living with the guilt hurt her more than words , having his " ghost " hanging around didn 't help . She stopped the car and got out , ignoring her shaky legs . Her jeans were probably getting dirty , but she didn 't care as she sat down on top of him . Alex would not reach out a hand and pull her down with him to eat her . Just like he wasn 't sitting on the grave in front of her . Isabel already had a plan for this . " Look , I know you 're not real . So just . . . go back to whatever layer of my conscious you 're buried in . I don 't want you up here . " " I can 't , " Alex said sadly . " Whether I 'm in limbo or a part of you . . . I can 't just leave because you tell me to . " " Because I want to be left alone . I think about you all the time . I 'm never not thinking about you except when . . . " Isabel trailed off . She couldn 't tell him about Kyle , no matter where this Alex was coming from . " I 'm tortured enough , don 't you think ? I don 't need your ghost following me around everywhere . " " I only visit you here . When you 're coming to grieve for me , " Alex pointed out . " I don 't think I can go anywhere else . " Isabel 's tears began to fall . " I just . . . I just . . . I don 't know ! " She finished in a wail , and Isabel never wailed . Her tears came faster then , pouring down her face . But she felt no release . Alex kneeled down beside her and put a tentative arm on her shoulder . She felt the touch , and she threw herself in his arms . Suddenly it didn 't matter of this was her imagination or not . It was Alex . He was warm , alive , and so comforting . She felt complete again in his arms . " Since . . . for a long time . I just didn 't want to think about it . Then we were leaving , or things were so screwed up . . . I thought - I thought I had all the time in the world to tell you . I didn 't know I 'd only have a few months . " " Even if I 'm not . . . I mean , I 'm not all religious or anything , but I 'm sure that if I 'm up in heaven or purgatory or even hell , I can hear you . I know you love me , wherever I am . " " I don 't know . But I think you should go to your friends . You need to start your life up again . You have to live without me now , and I don 't want you wasting your life because of me . " Kyle looked at her . She wouldn 't understand , he knew . But he couldn 't lie to her either . Tess had lied , and look where that got her . " That 's a sort of . " Maria impulsively hugged him . " Just talk when you 're ready . I can listen just as well as I can babble . " She smiled at him and left . He sat alone for another five or ten minutes before Isabel appeared . He looked at her tear - stained cheeks in shock . She never came out in public after crying . " Is - Isabel . . . what 's wrong ? " She gave him a look . " You know what 's wrong . But . . . I think I 'm a lot more okay than I have been in awhile . " " I talked to Alex . " She held up a hand as if to stop him . " And don 't start . It probably wasn 't really him . But either way , it took a load off my shoulders . I 'm healing now . " " I don 't think so either , " she said softly . " But I don 't regret it , Kyle . Okay ? I was looking for comfort , and you gave it to me . It may have been wrong , but I don 't think I could have gotten this far without you . " " I feel the same way . " Kyle reached across the table and took her hand . " I 'm always gonna be there for you , Iz . We 've got an unbreakable friendship now . " Kyle watched her smile a real smile , and his heart strings tugged . Just like Isabel had said , his shoulders felt a little lighter . And for the first time since Tess had left , he thought that maybe . . . maybe they could all get through this . |
Today Faheema called to see how things were going , Shuaib had to go to China for a business trip so she was feeling a bit down . Her mother - in - law told her to go to my mum , maybe she will feel better . She said she doesn 't want to give my mum any trouble , she is just recovering from the wedding . I told Faheema about Yaseen and Raeesa , she said we should speak to my parents . My mum will have to just give in , she can 't have things done according to her plan . After my talk with Faheema , Ahmed and I went to bed , we sat and spoke about our day at work . I told him about my boss and all the gift . Only when we spoke about it , did I remember that I had gifts to open . I quickly went to the car and got them , Ahmed and I sat and opened them . We received some nice gifts , a towel set with our names engraved on them , Ahmed got a nice business set , I got a kitchen aid and a beautiful chain set . This morning Yaseen looked very tensed , we told him that he should go back home and we would come the weekend to sort things out . While at work I decided to call Raeesa and invite her over for a meal . I think it would be good to hear what she has to say without the pressure of her parents or Yaseen . I invited her for supper by me tomorrow because I don 't want Yaseen around when she comes . It would be disrespectful to her parents . I went home early because Yaseen was leaving back to go home . I told him not to worry and not to tell my parents anything . His course was finish and it was no use he staying around and moping . When Ahmed came home I told him that I invited Raeesa over . He was happy that I did that . He said it would give us a chance to know what she wants . After we had supper , I prepared for tomorrow 's supper , Ahmed went for Esha namaaz and when he came back I was done . We sat and watched a movie and then got into bed . Ahmed asked me what I decided about asking his parents to move to Jo ' burg and also about us all moving in together . I did speak to Faheema about it but didn 't tell Ahmed . I told him that I am still thinkinPosted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply The week went by so fast , it was already time to go back to South Africa . We landed at 6 in the morning , Yaseen was waiting for us . I was so excited to see my brother . When we got home Yaseen sat for a little bit and then said he would see us later . He didn 't stay by our place because he felt a bit awkward now that it 's no longer only my place so he booked out at a nearby bnb . Ahmed told him nonsense and told him that it 's still my place and he doesn 't have to feel uncomfortable or like his in the way . Ahmed made him book out and fetch his stuff from the bnb . Uncle Abdullah and his family came over to see us , Aunty Rubina made lunch for us . It was nice having them around , they really take care of us . I needed sleep so after lunch I got into bed while Ahmed and Yaseen watched a soccer match . Ahmed and Yaseen had a very good talk about Raeesa ( Yaseens girlfriend ) . I was glad that they were getting along and that Yaseen confided in Ahmed , he took him like a big brother . Ahmed decided we should go out for supper since we both go back to work the next day . We decided to go to Jimmy 's in fordsburg , I always like their steak and their garlic bread . When we got back home I ironed Ahmeds clothes for the next day . He had a early morning meeting so I had to be awake very early . After ironing Ahmed and I went straight to bed . It was a bit weird having someone else in the same bed in my house . It took a bit getting use to when we were in Phuket . I was telling Ahmed we need to get a queen sized bed , I got a double and we fight for space because Ahmed ends up sleeping on to me . I guess it takes some getting use to , especially if you 've been independent and living on your own . You sometimes feel it 's overwhelming . In the morning I quickly packed our lunch and then made breakfast for Ahmed . I don 't eat so early in the morning , I usually only eat when I get to work . Ahmed got ready , had breakfast and then left . My domestic came and she was shocked to see Ahmed there so early in the morning . I told her what happened , she was so upset that she couldn 't be there because Ahmed always teased her and told her we will take her to clean the dishes at our wedding . I told her to iron all his clothes , that 's one thing I hate doing is ironing . When I got to work everyone kept saying that our boss was coming and he has a surprise for us . I was away so I didn 't know what it was about . The amount of work I had pending , shew when I looked at the files on my table I knew I had a hectic week ahead . I don 't know how Ahmed would feel but I need to take some of it home . Anyways I went straight to work and started sorting things out . It looks like the staff here had a blast when I was away , there was no boss and no me there . My boss arrived at 10am with a bouquet of flowers and food and gifts . I thought it was someone 's birthday . He called all of us to the board room , he had everything laid nicely out and told us to sit . Then he said he has an important announcement to make , he then called me to the front and told everyone that I got married . At first I felt a bit embarrassed , in front of everyone he just announced that I got married . He threw a small surprise party for me Yaseen was not home as yet , I was getting worried , I tried calling him but he never answered . Ahmed and I sat to have supper and Yaseen just walked . He looked so worried , I asked him what happened and he said he just wants to be alone for a little bit . After supper I sent Ahmed with supper to Yaseens room , maybe he would tell Ahmed what happened . Ahmed left the food in the room but came back with no answers . I was worried about my brother , I 've never seen him like this before . Ahmed said that I should give him some space and that he would tell us when his ready . I brought some files home to finish my work so that it 's not such a big work load Ahmed was okay with it but I could see he wanted to spend sometime with me . I didn 't get to finish all my work but I did get most of it done . Yaseen came to the lounge to tell us what happened . He said that after his talk with Ahmed he knew that he had to decide where he and Raeesa were going with their relationship . He said that she told him to speak to her parents , so he went with her to meet her parents . Apparently her mother is okay with everything and understands that he has to wait until Ziyaad gets married . Her father said that if he wants to see her again then it will be once he has a marriage proposal and he doesn 't approve of them dating . I can understand that , my father wanted Ahmed and I to get engaged as soon as possible . It just makes the girls name bad if they not and people see them . Yaseen was down because Raeesa agreed with her father and he didn 't know if my parents agree . He knows my mum is very strict when it comes to choosing a daughter - in - law . I told Yaseen not to stress , we were going to my parents the weekend so Ahmed and I would talk to them . I know my mum will want Ziyaad to first find someone but if it has to be Yaseen first she has to accept it . You can 't say 100 % that Ziyaad would find someone soon . I think Yaseen is afraid of loosing Raeesa , her father might not want to wait too long . Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply I went to the lounge and Ahmed was sitting with a box in his hand . I asked him what it was but he said I should open it and see for myself . I opened the box and found two tickets to Thailand . I was absolutely excited , I didn 't expect to go anywhere for honeymoon . Because of the short time we have I never even expected a honeymoon and I know everything was so last minute it would be impossible to plan something . We were leaving in the morning , we had to leave early because it 's a 11 hour 40minute fight to Phuket . I still had to pack and call my parents and tell them . Ahmed and I went to the room to pack our bag . Then I called my parents and told them about our honeymoon plans . My mum said that Yaseen was coming to Jo ' burg so he would pick us up from the airport on sunday . By the time we sorted out all out things , it was late and with the travelling we both were very tired . I set the alarm for Fajr , We were leaving at 6am to the airport . Ahmed arranged with his driver to pick us up . After fajr we got ready to leave , it was too early for both of us to have breakfast so we just left like that Aunty Rubina and them all came to see us before we left . I told Rizwana to call Safiah and tell her everything , with all the rush I forgot to contact her . On our way to the airport Ahmed remembered he didn 't lock his apartment . We called his assistant to go and check on his place . When we got to the airport we checked in and then went to have breakfast . Our flight was at 9am so we had to wait a little . While we were waiting Ahmed and I spoke about maybe getting his family to move to Jo ' burg . It would be better for us and them as well , Ahmeds work is now more in Jo ' burg and he hardly gets to spend time with his family . We thinking of maybe getting one big house and we all stay together . He is the only son and it is his duty to look after his parents , it shouldn 't be that when the daughters get married and his parents are old and sickly that the son - in - law should take care of them . How bad would that look for me as a wife . Well we said we would decide when we got back . We boarded the plane at 8 : 30am , I was nervous , I 've been in a plane before but I always get nervous . It was a very long flight , 12 hours of sitting in one place . Ahmed is use to it because he travels a lot , he slept for a bit , I couldn 't move in that time because Ahmed held my hand while he was asleep . We finally reached by the time we got to the resort it was pass supper and most of the places were closed . We asked the hotel manager if he could arrange for some snacks for us . We had milk and biscuits before we shAfter supper we decided to just relax in our room . We sat and spoke about the wedding , I asked Ahmed when his mother came and how did they manage to convince her . He said that his Dadi did everything , she convinced his mother or rather threatened her by saying that if she doesn 't agree to our marriage then his Dadi won 't accept her as part of the family . That is blackmailing but it worked so I guess it 's not that bad , sad parts is she came just before he could come to the hall . So she wasn 't around when the nikkah was taking place . After our talk we decided to look at things we could do in the area . We planned the next few days , we got three more days because Saturday afternoon we leaving back . We decided to do shopping today , we saw some lovely things yesterday and we know exactly what we want . The resort has a fitness center so we both decided to go for a work out before breakfast , after breakfast we got ready and went for our shopping trip . We wanted to get something for everyone at home . After shopping we went back to the resort and had lunch , went for a swim and then relaxed at the beach . I sat and read a book while Ahmed took a 30 minute nap before we went back to the resort . We showered and got ready for supper , the resort was having a entertainment night for couples so we thought it would be a good idea to check it out . It was a good night , we had a choice for entertainment , we could choose from a theatrical play with a picnic or music concert . So we went for the play and the picnic . It was a Shakespeare play with a twist , they added a lot of Thailand into the play . After the play we decided to just sit on the grass and look at the stars , it was a very nice evening , it was not too hot , there was a nice cool breeze . We met a couple Kevin and Natasha also from South Africa , they were in Phuket on a vacation . They were going to tour around tomorrow so they asked us to join them . Ahmed said we would be but I was not so keen on going with people we just met . Anyways we got back to the room and I told APART EIGHTY EIGHT I woke up this morning for Fajr , prayed my namaaz and then sat to read Quraan . Afterwards I went downstairs , everyone was already awake and already busy working in the kitchen . My mum was busy preparing for breakfast , Faheema was making tea for everyone . After I had my tea my mum told me to go back to bed because I had a long day ahead and I would get tired . I woke up at 9am in such a shock like I was late for something . I quickly went to shower and went to see what everyone was doing . My Dadi was the only one at home , everyone had gone to the hall to set up things there . My dad went to the florist and Ziyaad and Yaseen went to set up the sound system . I was so hungry , lucky there were leftovers from breakfast so I made that hot and made coffee for myself . I had nothing to do so I watched tv , what else could I do . All my appointments were for the afternoon and I was told not to go out of the house . I don 't even know what Ahmed and his family are doing , I know after lunch at 2pm he has a appointment at the salon . I was told not to go there , that how I know . Everyone came home just before lunch , after lunch my cousin came to do my makeup and hair . I wear a scarf so she didn 't have to do much with my hair . I made her wait . I wasn 't dressing so early and waiting . Uncle Ashraf was coming with the other witnesses to ask for my consent just 30 minutes before the nikkah . Nikkah is at 6pm so I didn 't have to rush . I changed at 4pm and then made my cousin start with the make up . We finished just before 5 : 30pm , everyone was already here , I sat in the lounge waiting for them to come . Everyone was just clicking away while I sat there smiling . My jaws were already starting to pain , imagine smiling the rest of the night . Uncle Ashraf finally came , they asked for my consent and then I had to sign the certificate . I had to wait until Faheema called , obviously I couldn 't be there before the guests . After an hour we got the call that we could leave . When I got there all my cousins and Faheema and Shuaib were waiting outside for me . When I got off the car they all started cheering . Then Ziyaad walked me in , after a few minutes Ahmed arrived . He stood at the door trying to look at me on the stage . I could see the huge smile on his face , I couldn 't really see anything else because of the people standing in front of him . He walked in with a few of his cousins behind him . When he came on the stage , we greeted each other , we sat and then he said he has something to tell me . He pointed out at the crowd and showed me that his mother and sisters were here . I was elated , I couldn 't have asked for anything more , I was so relieved . His sisters came up to change the bouquet , I was so emotional I cried when they greeted me , I thanked them . We exchanged rings after that and then took photos while the guest ate . Ahmed looked absolutely stunning , I kept telling him that , I was so nervous . After we ate I told Ahmed that we should go greet his grandparents , my dadi and our parents . Our grandparents wouldn 't make it up the stage especially Ahmeds Dadi . I first went to his grandparents , before we could get to his Dadi she was already crying . She said that she is so happy and it 's the best day of her life . I couldn 't wait to greet Aunty Shenaaz , Ahmed started talking to some people so I left him and went to Aunty Shenaaz , she apologized to me for everything they did . She said that she just wants her sons happiness and if it 's with me she is ready to accept that . I know it 's not going to be easy , I will have to work and make my place in their family . Even if they at first are a bit difficult I will have to overlook their faults and accept them for who they are . Obviously with all these problems things haven 't started on a good note so it 's normal for that bitterness to be there . After the wedding we went to my house , for the bridal farewell , we call it bhidai . Then Ahmed and I will go to the hotel that my brothers booked a little out of town . Everyone greeted me and we cried buckets but no one could beat my mum and Faheema . They even cried more then me . Ahmeds family stayed by my mum and had refreshments , Ahmed and I left to the hotel . I was extremely exhausted , we really had a very busy day . Ahmeds family were all leaving on Sunday , even his parents . So we were having breakfast and lunch with my family and then we also were leaving back to Jo ' burg . In the morning we went over to Zinat and Sameer joined us for lunch , my mum made all Ahmeds favourite dishes , already spoiling her son - in - law . My cousins and uncles and aunties all came to greet us before we left . I can 't believe that Ahmed and I are finally married . We left around 3pm , we decided to first go to Ahmeds apartment to get his clothing and other things that he needed and then go home . I had to make place for Ahmed and all his things in the house . Ahmed said that we shouldn 't rush , he doesn 't mind keeping his stuff in the guest room until I get time to make place in our room . Aunty Rubina invited us over for supper , after supper I decided to go home and sort out some space for Ahmed in the cupboard and the rest I would do tomorrow . I couldn 't let him live from a separate room , it would be awkward . Ahmed said he has a surprise for me but he didn 't say what . He wanted me to go to the lounge and then he would tell or show me . Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply Everything went off very well last night , it was really tiring because we finished quite late . My mum phoned Ahmed last night to see how things were going there and he also said that it went well . Today we also have a lot to do . it 's a short day being Jummah . Everyone will be coming to us for lunch today so my mums already started in the kitchen . We have a cook preparing the food for today and tomorrow but my mum won 't be at ease if she doesn 't do half the things . Everything was such a rush and so much things had to be done . I was ordered not to enter the kitchen or do any work but I couldn 't watch everyone doing things and just sit . I knew that my mum gave Shuaib to do the parcels so I went to help him . He did try to stop me but after begging he finally allowed me to help him , can you imagine making 7 parcels by himself . Anyways we finished with the parcels before Jummah , we had to just make the ring tray and then we were done . Shuaib said he would make that when he got back from namaaz . After Jummah everyone came for lunch and then everyone started preparing for the mendhi function . We were having it in the tent so everyone was busy there . We decided to set tables for supper in the garage . I was ordered to sit inside so I played with the kids inside and sat with the oldies . My Dadi was telling me about her time when she got married . How my Dadi and Dada had a arranged marriage . They didn 't even meet each other , the only time my Dadi saw my Dada was after their nikkah at the reception . They didn 't even speak to each other or anything . When she went to her inlaws she didn 't know what they liked but luckily she had a elder sister - in - law who told her about everyone in the house . They also stayed in one house all her brother - in - laws , their families and her mother - in - law and father - in - law . They had a small house , it was just three bedrooms and they had to share the space . There also all had different duties , everyone had to do their duties and her mother - in - law would check when they were done . So glad things are not like that anymore . Imagine living such a strict life , your husband had no say his mother would give all the instructions and make all the decisions . You had to follow orders , sat when they said , stand when they said . I don 't think I would manage a life like that . I can handle staying with the inlaws but with some space and freedom . Well after supper we all went to get dressed , Faheema got me a special outfit for tonight . I had a green and red anarkali suit , it was all done up with silver and red bead work . I usually don 't wear such fancy outfits but she forced me so I had to . I was made to sit on a lounge chair . We had a lady come put mendhi on for me , my cousins danced and everyone said a little something about me . It was so overwhelming , my mum said the most loving things about me growing up , how I brought happiness into our house . Although Faheema and Ziyaad were around , they were not as naughty as I was . I was really spoilt when I was younger , my dad says I 'm still spoilt because I always get my way . I would do things they wouldn 't even think of . My dad 's speech was also very touching . He spoke about my school days and how he and I would go to the movies without telling anyone . My mum would ground me and my favourite movie was releasing so dad use to take me . My Dadi said that I always had a special place in her heart , I always took good care of her , I always made her feel special . Faheema said she always wanted a sister , she would tell my mum when Ziyaad was born that they should return him and get her a sister . She was just two when Ziyaad was born so she didn 't know how babies came . My Dadi was the one who told her you buy babies at the shop . Ziyaad said thatAfter all the speeches , some of Ahmeds family came over . His aunties put mendhi on my hand as part of tradition . After that we served tea and a whole lot of goodies . It was getting late so my Dadi told me to go in the house . I 'm not allowed to be out of the house from midnight . Ahmeds family were still around so I greeted them all and then went upstairs to my room . I haven 't spoken to Ahmed since yesterday . I so much wanted to speak to him , I sent Faeez to call Zinat so I could get her to check if he is okay . I made her put the phone on loud speaker so I could hear his voice . He was okay , he knew I was listening so he made like his speaking directly to me . He can 't wait for tomorrow , he just wants to see me and he mentioned that the next time we see each other we will be husband and wife . Just a few more hours , the excitement is there , the butterflies and stress as well . I think we both feeling the same , I can only imagine how Ahmed is going to feel tomorrow when he has to go to the mosque for nikkah , you always wait for your mum to be by you when you leave and when you return . At the reception as well , everyone will ask where is the grooms mother and what will people say . I guess there 's not much we can do but make dua that his mother 's heart softens and she comes to be part of her sons nikkah . I at this moment don 't care if she doesn 't accept me all I 'm praying for is for her to be there for Ahmed . I went to bed just after midnight . There was still some of the family around but I had a hectic day ahead and needed the sleep . It was just my family so I didn 't really worry . In the first place I found it so difficult to fall asleep with the mendhi on my hands and legs . That packets around are so annoying and make so much noise . Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged My Diary Affair | Leave a reply My mum called us just after 4pm , Ahmed Dada and Dadi were here and they wanted to see us . I became nervous all of a sudden , I couldn 't breath , I felt like something was stuck in my throat . I 've never felt this way before or at least not all at once , I was a mess . Ahmed told me that his grandparents were very calm people . Worldly things never mattered to them . He said they are very close to him , he is their only grandson so he has always been their favourite . I hope they like me , I don 't think I can handle anymore people disliking me . When we walked in the house Ahmeds Dadi told my mum , my grandson is here . She didn 't even see him , we didn 't make any noise or even speak but she knew . I went to his Dada first and greeted him , then I went to his Dadi and greeted her . She was getting up to hug me but I stopped her , I went on my knees and hugged her . Ahmeds Dadi called him to sit next to her , she told him so you finally manage to convince your mother . She asked where Aunty Shenaaz and the girls . Uncle Ashraf told her that they all don 't approve and he told them all the things they did to me . Ahmeds Dadi apologized to my parents and I , I felt bad that she was apologizing , my mum did say that they don 't need to apologize . After all the introductions and discussions everyone started to get along very well . I was glad that Ahmeds grandparents really took a liking towards me . I made tea for everyone and then Ahmeds Grandparents wanted to rest a bit so my mum gave them the guest room downstairs . My dad decided that they should stay at our house but Ahmeds Dada said that they should rather stay with Ahmed . I understand why they feel that way . He needs their support now more then ever . I took Ahmed grandparents to their room and made sure they were comfortable . Faheema and Shuaib went to see his Aunty in town so I didn 't get to see them from the morning . They came home just after Asr , the kids were all asleep , I missed them so much . When Ahmeds grandparents came out of the room we had supper and then tea and desserts . My last night seeing Ahmed until the nikkah is over . I don 't know how will I manage because I 've gotten so use to him being around . I guess I will because everyone will be around . Ahmeds uncles and aunties and their families will all be arriving tomorrow . I will only meet them on Friday and Saturday . I went upstairs after Ahmed and his family left . He called me when he got to Zinats , he was already missing me . He was very emotional and expressed a lot of his feeling for me . He was happy that his grandparents were supporting him and said that he only needed their support . After I got off the call we texted each other until I fell asleep . Today there is so much to do , we have the ladies khatam in the afternoon and then Zikr at night . My mum was as usual panicking and getting annoyed at all of us . Faheema is the only one who can handle my mum when she gets all hyper . We kept all the dishes one side that we were going to use . Faheema , Zinat and myself got the plates with biscuits and cakes ready . My Aunty made milkshake and my cousins were bringing savouries . The khatam was for 3pm so we had enough time . We had lunch and then we set the table and chairs in the tent . I made Zinat call Ahmed and ask if he and his family were okay and if his other family had arrived . Most of his family had arrived , he was just waiting for two of his cousins . His grandparents were doing okay , he took them to do some shopping . Uncle Ashraf stayed at home , Ahmed said that he called home and tried to convince Aunty Shenaaz to agree . He said that she said she is hurt that her son has agreed to get married without her approval . She has no problem with me but her son has hurt her . Uncle Ashraf asked her to think how much she has hurt Ahmed and I . I told Zinat to tell Ahmed to call his mother and sort things out with her . We can 't start our life together by hurting people , Ahmeds Dadi told him she would sort things out and that we shouldn 't feel bad because we are not wrong . Ahmed and his family were also having Zikr , so my mum helped them out with organising everything . Anyways the ladies started to arrive for the khatam , so we started although my mum was not yet home . Faheema and my Dadi handled things so it wasn 't so bad . I was glad that all our family were here although it was short notice , it made it more special . My mum came back just before the dua was read . I was glad she was helping Ahmed like a mother would . He messaged me and told me that today he didn 't feel like his mother was missing because my mum was there all the time for him . He didn 't have to worry about anything . I made a lot of dua today that Aunty Shenaaz ends up changing her mind and comes to be by her sons side when he needs her the most . Aunty Rubina was sorting out our house in Jo ' burg , she cleaned up and changed the bedding and stuff like that . I am so lucky to have such good people around me , who are ready to help without expecting anything in return . In times like these you always need your friends and family around . Having that helping hand really takes off some of the stress from the family . After supper we set up for Zikr in the sitting room , all the ladies sat in the tent . I started to feel the pressure now , everyone was around , it felt like a wedding house . It knocked me that soon I will be married , yes to a wonderful person that I love and that loves me but at the same time I would be leaving my parents . I know I am already away from home but still it was my home I was only away for work . Now I will be away because I am married . The sacrifices a woman has to make , I can 't take all the credit for the sacrifices because Ahmed is sacrificing a lot for me . I haven 't asked him to but circumstances have forced him to do so and I can 't ignore the sacrifices he 's making . I just want him to be happy , I do have a fear that if things don 't get sorted out they could get worst and I could be blamed for it but I have to have faith and trust in Ahmed . Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged My Diary Affair | Leave a reply I got to the hotel and went up to their room . Aunty Shenaaz let me in which was a start , I told her what was happening and why I was there . I asked her to please forgive us both , we have no intention of hurting them . I asked her if her only reason for not agreeing to us getting married was that my family are not multi millionaires . If that cannot be put behind and for her to see Ahmeds happiness . Aunty Shenaaz has a lot of pride so for her to agree that she is wrong is very difficult . I told her that she didn 't have to answer my questions , she can just think about what I am saying . Sumaya and Kausar were also there so I asked them to do the same . I told them that I had come there to see if I could change their minds because in all our happiness we missing something . Everyone is busy preparing but we need them there as well . I made Aunty Shenaaz know that I would never take her place . I am there as a wife not as a mother . I also made it clear that I 've tried and now it 's all up to them , if they don 't come then we will know that they still don 't agree and we will have to accept that they will always be missing in our lives . Ahmed kept calling me on my cellphone so I left the hotel and went back home . Ahmed asked where I went I told him I went out for some work . Everything was decided . Today is Monday and we have just a few days to do everything . My mum is already stressing , I told my parents that we don 't have to have anything big . Just my father 's brother and sisters and their families and my mums brothers and sisters and their families , our neighbours and friends . Ahmed stayed by us for the night and was going to stay at Zinats the next day . Uncle Ashraf arranged for Aunty Shenaaz and the girls to go back home . He wanted to stay until the wedding . In the morning Aunty Shenaaz and the girls left , Uncle Ashraf came to our house to help wherever he could . He called all their family and invited whoever he wanted to . Ahmeds Dadi and Dada were happy that Ahmed was getting married . They wanted to come the same day . We arranged for flight tickets for them and I had Sakina pick them up at the airport . Imraan said he would bring them so we didn 't have to worry about fetching them . My mums family all were arriving on Friday . After breakfast I went with Faheema to go do some shopping . We went to look for a outfit for the reception and I needed to get some other things . My cousin Zunaid and his wife went to do all the shopping for the functions . My dad went to sort out things with the caterer and my mum found a cook but she needed to meet with them . When we got back , then only Ahmed and my brothers went to do their shopping . By the time they got back it was already lunch time . After lunch we sat in the lounge discussing what else needed to be done . My dad decided to not open shop for this week and concentrate on the wedding since we had so much to do . Zinat and Sameer came back from their holiday . They were more excited then us , they wanted to do everything . I told Zinat that Ahmed and his family would stay at her house . All the functions they want to have they can have there . Zinat and Sameer said that they would go stay with Zinats parents for that time . I told them they could stay by us also but they were okay with staying by Zinats parents . My parents only came back home just before supper . They sorted things out with the caterers and the cook . My dad said that we would have Zikr on Thursday , mendhi on Friday and the nikkah on Saturday after maghrib . It would give our family that are coming from far some time . Uncle Ashraf and my dad were discussing a few things . I don 't know what because they sat outside and told us not to disturb them . My mum was busy in the kitchen so I went to help her . She was worried about Ahmed and I . I asked her a few times about it but she didn 't say anything . She just kept saying that I will always be welcome in this house . I shouldn 't feel like I don 't have a home to go to . Ahmed wanted to speak to me for one last time alone , before he goes to Zinat and then doesn 't see me or have contact for those few days . I told him that he will still have Zinat to use as a means to contact me . We did the same when Zinat and Sameer got married . Anyways after supper Ahmed and Uncle Ashraf left to go to Zinat . I went upstairs to my room while everyone sat in the lounge talking about the wedding . I wish I could change things , it just doesn 't feel right to do things this way . I feel like I 'm depriving someone of something . I don 't know how to ignore the fact that his mother doesn 't approve of our marriage . It 's making me feePost navigation |
We were up bright and early , just putting the last bits and pieces in the car when the phone rang . It was my daughter Kristie , who lived with my twin sister Tina and her husband , Woody , and their family . She told me that Tina was in hospital about to have an emergency operation . She had suffered a brain haemorrhage late on Wednesday night and was due in theatre any minute to have life saving brain surgery . I felt my legs go to jelly and I could hardly speak . I had been speaking to Tina only the evening before and she had been totally fine . I went straight to Tina 's house as her children all needed to be cared for and I wanted to be with Kristie too . Tina and Woody had been unable to have children and had adopted seven learning disabled children over the course of several years . They ranged in age from three to seventeen at the time . It was an unreal morning , trying to hold myself together for the sake of the children , but desperately waiting for the phone call from Woody , who was at the hospital , to find if she had made it through the surgery . Finally just after lunch Woody rang to say she was in intensive care but that the surgery had been successful . I was over the moon . I had been praying so hard and felt that my prayers had been answered . Within a couple of days Tina was moved to the High Dependency Unit and was doing well . She complained of the most dreadful headache but the staff told us that was quite normal due to her brain surgery . After just a few more days Tina was moved to a general neurological ward and appeared to be making excellent progress . She was able to walk and talk quite normally and have a shower and walk around the ward . The expectation was that she would be home within the week ! Kristie and I were visiting her daily and on the Thursday , just a week after her operation , we had all been sitting chatting about the programmes she would be watching that evening when the nurse brought her tea , which included a small bowl of ice cream . Within minutes Tina 's speech was becoming confused and then I noticed that she was having problems eating her ice cream . Her hand was making odd movements and she was unable to hold the spoon . I alerted the staff on the ward and they explained that she might have some fluid on the brain and would carry out a lumbar puncture to release any fluid . When I left the hospital that evening I was obviously concerned , but the staff had been very reassuring and it seemed that this was quite normal and that the lumbar puncture was routine . The following morning I rang the hospital and they asked me to visit urgently . They explained that Tina was once again in intensive care . I was not at all prepared for what faced me that day . The consultant explained that Tina had suffered a massive stroke due to having a vasospasm , a rare side effect of the brain surgery . In layman 's terms , the blood vessels within her brain had gone into spasm and no blood had been able to reach the frontal lobes . I was warned that they fully expected her to die . I don 't know how I managed to physically stand by her bed , I was shaking and crying so much . She was lying there covered with wires and tubes , buzzers kept going off and she was fitting , which was terrifying to watch . The machines that were keeping her alive required almost constant attention by the special nurses who were with her . I couldn 't believe that she had been doing so well and now they really thought she would die . I prayed so much that day , I asked God why this happened and kept telling Tina over and over again how much I loved her and that she would come through this ok . When I eventually left the hospital that evening I emailed every healer I could find on the internet asking if they could please send Tina healing . I really didn 't think I 'd be able to sleep that night , but nervous exhaustion thankfully sent me straight to sleep . I awoke in the morning dreading the news from the hospital . I phoned and they said she was ' stable ' , but added that there had been no improvement . I went to the hospital as soon as I could and was met by the ward sister who told me to expect the worse . She explained that only the machines were keeping her alive , and even if she did survive the prognosis was that she would be severely disabled and unable to enjoy any quality of life as her brain was so badly damaged . Yet again I sat with her , talking to her , stroking her hand gently . I prayed that she would not leave me . I had lost my Mum , my Dad and my brother all within the space of three and half months just a few years before , and I just couldn 't bear the thought of losing my twin sister too . I talked to her about our childhood , about the fun we used to have , about family memories , even about the battles we 'd had . I just felt that I could not give up . I was sure one day that she had lightly squeezed my hand as I was about to leave , but the nurses assured me that she wouldn 't be able to do that . They said that her brain was unable to distinguish my voice and that she most probably did not have the ability to understand anything I said to her . I ignored their advise and just carried on chatting to her right up until the moment I had to leave in the evenings . Days went by and there was no progress and it became more and more likely that she would just fade away . I was totally heartbroken . I had never lived through such a time . Being an identical twin is impossible to really understand unless you are a twin yourself . We had been together since before we were born . We had shared virtually every part of our lives , most of our childhood and teenage experiences , and even though we had fought dreadfully at times , we were always there for each other and loved one another more than can be explained . Now , days in to her stroke , I was trying to come to terms with the real possibility that this was the end . That I would not have my twin sister anymore . They decided to carry out a further operation to install a shunt , a drain in her brain , which would release the fluid from her brain into her stomach . The operation was in itself risky , but without it she didn 't stand a chance , the fluid in her brain was building all the time . Again there was the dreadful time of waiting to see if she had pulled through and thankfully she did . We waited for a couple more days to see if there was any improvement , but still Tina just lay there motionless , on full life support , with every vein in her body seemingly linked to some needle to give her life saving fluids and drugs . They even had to start using the veins in her feet as they were running out of veins in her arms , her hands and her shoulders . I continually asked God why this was happening and what more could I do to help her and her family through this , but I was too upset to hear any answers . Finally , in desperation , I called a medium that I found on the internet . I didn 't want to phone anyone who knew me , I really wanted someone who had no previous knowledge of who I was . Immediately she began speaking to me , she described our Dad in the most wonderful detail , and told me that he was talking about someone very close to me who had suffered a bleed on the brain . She said this person was in a critical condition and was literally between worlds . She then went on to describe our Mum , both physically and her character , and said that she was with both of us . Amazingly she also described our brother and said that he was looking over us and that he was giving me the strength to cope with it all . She told me that Tina was aware of them with her . I asked her why this was happening and she said that Tina had chosen to go through this before she was born . She explained that it was an experience Tina 's soul had wanted and importantly it would show who would support her and who wouldn 't , who would be able to understand , and who would turn away due to the severity of the situation . I did ask if Tina would survive and the medium told me that she couldn 't answer that , but said that Tina had a very strong spirit and that whatever happened was supposed to happen . I was stunned by such an accurate reading , but still had wished that I could have been told what would be the outcome . The next day I went into the hospital again and as I walked in I said my usual ' Hi Sis ' and took her hand . I was sure her eyelids moved and then thought I felt her gently squeeze my hand again . I didn 't mention it to the nurses , who I felt sure thought I was imagining it , but inside I felt a warm glow and a real sense of joy . Something in me realised that she had turned the corner , that she would be ok . For the first time in weeks I felt an inner calm , an inner strength , I knew I could cope , as if I had been shown there was light at the end of the tunnel . I was full of optimism for her future . Tina 's small movements became almost like a secret code between her and I . Many times that day her eyelids moved as I said something funny and her fingers softly brushed mine . I gave her a kiss goodbye before I left and said I 'd see her the next day . The following day I was over the moon to see that Tina had her tracheostomy tube removed . She could breathe on her own ! That was a huge hurdle . As usual I said ' Hi Sis ' when I arrived and I almost fell over when a few moments later she uttered , in a very hoarse voice , ' Hi ' - she was back ! ! ! The nurses were laughing and clapping and the whole atmosphere in the unit was lifted . She didn 't say anything again for a few days , but she still kept moving her eyelids and through her squeezing my hand I could feel her strength grow day by day . After several more weeks Tina slowly made progress to the point where she was transferred to a neurological rehabilitation unit within the hospital . She was paralysed on her right side , still doubly incontinent , unable to even turn herself , unable to swallow food , and only able to say a few words , but she could laugh , and we would share afternoons laughing at the times we had been through together . I would sit with her and we would watch comedy shows and it would lift her spirits . It really did seem that through joy and laughter she became better and better . Through everything that had happened to her she had managed somehow to keep her sense of humour . Over the two years Tina spent in two specialist rehabilitation hospitals , she showed incredible inner strength and courage , overcoming the most enormous obstacles . Learning to do even the most basic things from scratch which most of us take for granted . She suffered dreadful setbacks , crippling pain in her paralysed arm and leg , frustration of a damaged brain that would not function as she wished , and the agony of a broken hip from falling over when trying to use a walking stick . She had to be admitted to a normal hospital for a hip replacement operation and this caused even more problems as people didn 't understand her speech and her understanding of language , having had such a serious brain injury . Everytime they asked her if she required painkillers she said yes , even if she didn 't , and by the time she was returned to the rehab unit she was totally bombed by the amount of morphine in her body . It took weeks for her to get back to some sense of normality . She suffered incredible loneliness and depression whilst trying to come to terms with the fact that most importantly , she had lost her independence . There were so many experiences that had me in tears over the time she was in hospital , but one of the most memorable occasions for me was when she was first able to stand , albeit with support , and we could have a hug . It was the best hug I 'd ever had . We were both in tears as for the first time in many months I held her in my arms and she could hug me back too . Another wonderful memory was just before her first Christmas in hospital . The nurses organised a Carol Service and arranged for a local choir to come along and we all sat singing the carols . Many of the patients sang too , including Tina , who still has a beautiful singing voice . They gave her a microphone and she sang Once in Royal David 's City . With tears streaming down my face it took me straight back to when we were both five and were angels in our school nativity play and we had sung that very song together back then . I was amazed by the most wonderful work the teams at the rehabilitation units undertook to get Tina as far along the recovery route as possible . Their patience and understanding was incredible . I was overwhelmed by the gentleness and kindness of other relatives visiting their loved ones who were also going through the most traumatic times and yet there was a camaraderie between us all , all supporting one another and all living for the time when those dear to us would regain even a little of their lives . The love within the rehab units was so strong . They were places of both immense sadness and unbelievable joy , much laughter and sometimes , sadly , unbearable heartache . I was stunned by the kindness from the wonderful worldwide community of healers , many of whom stayed in contact with me throughout her two years in hospital . The strangers , literally scattered across the globe who showed an interest and continued to send their healing thoughts to Tina . I will never be able to thank them enough . I was so saddened by the lack of support from the friends and relatives that Tina had . I would never have thought that those whom she had loved and considered close backed away and found themselves too busy to even phone to find out how she was . I was appalled by the total lack of support from social services who I had assumed would be able to offer some kind of help to Woody and the children , but who in reality basically told me that as the children had been adopted and not fostered there was nothing they could do . Just as the medium had said , it was an experience which showed people 's true colours . It was an eye - opener where friends and relatives were concerned , but it has made us both realise who really matters and who had only been there for the good times . The marriage vow , ' for better , for worse ' , often comes to my mind when I think of the people in Tina 's life who moved away from her and her family during this time , when they needed the love and support the most , and sadly received it the least . Some people even voiced that they felt it would have been better that she had just died . It is something I have tried to understand , but just can 't grasp . Maybe the lessons are for all of them , maybe they too one day may require those they hold dear to have the patience and understanding to deal with such a trauma , who knows . Some things are beyond my comprehension and maybe I will find the answers when I am once again back with my family in the spirit world . Tina amazed all the consultants and specialists involved in her care . They said many times that her recovery was a miracle , that it should have been impossible for her to make the progress that she has . Although paralysed on her right side she is still improving . She has learnt to walk again , to eat again , has regained her speech , kept most of her memories and importantly has made new friends through her involvement in stroke clubs that she regularly attends . She has become an avid reader , has learnt to master her i - phone and laptop , how to use Spotify to listen to her favourite music , and can play a mean game of scrabble ! I feel blessed that I still have my sister and that I have been able to share in such an enlightening experience . I thank Mum , Dad and our brother Ray , for the continued love and support they have given us , without which I am sure I would have crumbled . I thank God for Tina 's ongoing recovery and for the strength I was given to cope with this . Most of all I thank Tina for being my twin , she is an inspiration . I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . Hmmm … 7 unusual things … that 's going to be tough because I don 't think I 'm at all unusual ! Ok … here goes … 6 ) Until I was fourteen years old I had a bad squint in my left eye and no - one would know where I was looking - one eye looked one way , the other eye another . I finally had surgery to correct this but then had double vision for months afterwards and still have when I am tired . I have to put my hand over one eye so that I can just see one of everything ! I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . A few weeks ago I was told that Mandy Wylde would be giving a demonstration of her mediumship at Woolston Spiritual Centre , a newly opened non - denominational centre near Southampton . I had met Mandy only a couple of times at another spiritualist church I attended a couple of years ago . I was introduced to her by another friend , Jane , and she had told me that Mandy was a very good spiritual healer and a medium , but I had never known anyone she had carried out a reading for . All the way there my tummy was churning , which is something that happens whenever spirit are close to me . It is a familiar feeling if I am sitting for spirit or in any kind of development group , but not normally when I am going to see someone else give a demonstration . I told my friend Niki that my tummy felt very odd and she said that it might mean I was going to be given a message . I have been to many demonstrations over the last few years , but so rarely received a message from any of my loved ones in spirit that I didn 't really consider that this particular night would be any different . As soon as Mandy stood up I really thought I was going to be sick , my stomach went totally ballistic and I thought I might have to leave the hall because I felt so dreadful . Then , seriously , every single hair on my body went on end , I had the biggest whooshy feeling I had ever experienced . Mandy started talking and said she had a woman in spirit with her and was talking about a house fire . I knew we had a house fire when I was very young so I kept listening to the evidence she was giving . Then she went on to say that this woman had arthritis , which again Mum had suffered with . I was still wary of putting up my hand because I would absolutely hate to steal someone elses message , but then Mandy said she could hear a song being played that she knew was important to both the woman she felt was with her , and the recipient . The song was Don 't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue ' sung by Crystal Gayle . My goodness , I was struggling to hold back the tears . When I was younger I had quite a good singing voice and Mum had specifically asked me to record myself singing this song . She carried the tape around with her for years and always made her friends listen to it whilst they were travelling in the car . Immediately I put up my hand . Mandy went on to give me the most wonderful evidence that she had my Mum with her , evidence that none of my friends even knew . It was the most beautiful heart warming message and Mandy conveyed exactly the personality of my Mum . She even talked about a discussion I had been having earlier that day , which there was no way in the world she could have possibly known about it . It was amazing . She then went on to give other messages to several other people in the hall . Each of them was delivered with respect , kindness and a real sense of who they were . She managed to lighten the atmosphere when required with funny anecdotal evidence but was also able to give the most touching messages . It was a real pleasure to spend the evening watching her demonstrate and I could have happily sat there for much longer . The hall 's atmosphere was fabulous , everyone was laughing and smiling , some were crying with joy and gasping at her incredible accuracy . She gave names , relationships , addresses and really unusual information . I have to say it was the very best demonstration of mediumship I had ever seen . A couple of weeks passed and another medium was due to hold the Sunday service at the centre , but had cancelled for some reason and so Annette asked Mandy if she could step in . I hadn 't planned on going along at all , but as the weekend went by I really felt that I must go . I wasn 't exactly sure why , but I knew I would regret it if I didn 't go . It was another lovely summers evening and the atmosphere of the hall was warm and inviting . There are large windows along one wall and the sun was shining in as we all sat there waiting for the evening to begin . I couldn 't believe it when yet again my tummy started churning and I kept praying that it would stop . To begin with Mandy gave a wonderful reading and address about a man who had been struck by lightning and had medically died but who managed to survive and could remember being dead ! It was fascinating , especially the enormous changes it made to his whole life . So often I have sat through the most long - winded boring addresses and just been waiting for them to finish , but this was really interesting . We sang a couple of songs and then Mandy stood to give her demonstration of mediumship . She gave several excellent messages to different people and after a while I could see from the clock that it was almost time for her to finish . I wondered why my tummy had been churning so much , having secretly hoped that maybe I would receive another message , but I didn 't really dare hope that would happen . I had already enjoyed the evening so much so was thinking that we would be going home in a minute or two . Then Mandy started physically describing a man who sounded very much like my brother , and again I was covered in goosebumps , but didn 't put my hand up until I had heard more . Mandy then talked about his personality , which was quite unique and she said he was telling her the name Ray - which was my brother 's name . I just knew it was him , so excitedly put my hand up . Yet again Mandy gave me astonishing evidence and even more wonderful was that my aunt had come with him , and Mandy gave the most wonderful unequivocal information about her too . I realised then why I had been so keen to go along . I felt so blessed that in a matter of just a few weeks I had received messages from both Mum and Ray . I am sure that a bright future lays ahead for Mandy . She is such a good medium that as word spreads she will certainly be in great demand ! Dearest Tisha , I am moved to tears after reading your journal , I am so thrilled you felt so much peace and love on the two occasions you came to Woolston Spiritual Centre . Some months ago I asked spirit , " put me where you want me to be " , I guess they did . I love giving evidence from the spirit world to bring love and comfort , thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings , much love xx When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . A couple of weeks ago we went on a wonderful mini - break staying in London . I had always wanted to go to the Chelsea Flower Show as I have loved plants and gardens all my life , but it seemed there was always a reason that I couldn 't get there . This year it was actually Simon who suggested we went as he thought it might be a good place to use his wonderful new camera . Don 't get me wrong , he does like flowers and trees , and he is interested in the designs of gardens , but he doesn 't have the passion for gardening that I have . I was so excited when we booked the tickets a few months ago . At the time I was going through a fairly good phase healthwise and really thought that with a few planned breaks , I 'd be up to mulling around the show gardens and the wonderful exhibits and show stands that makes Chelsea the world - renowned show it has become . I spent hours on the internet researching places to stay and found The Presidential Apartments in Earls Court . I always feel slightly claustrophobic in a hotel room , hating the feeling of being boxed in and normally having nowhere else to sit but on the bed , and these apartments appeared to give you more space with a separate sitting area and even a kitchenette to prepare your own breakfast etc . I booked through a booking site and managed to secure a fantastic deal so I was a very happy bunny ! As the time became closer I was becoming quite despondent . My feet , legs and hips had decided they really did not want to work . I can only explain it as if when you wake up , instead of feeling refreshed and awake , you feel as if you have been mountain climbing all night and you have virtually no energy and considerable pain . I knew that my legs could only hold me up for a few minutes at a time , with very long rests in between , and was beginning to think that maybe we should just cancel and accept that this year was not going to be the year I 'd eventually get there . Simon though had a totally different plan in his mind . He was determined that we would go and still have a wonderful time , we 'd just take my wheelchair along too . I have a wheelchair and an electric scooter , and whilst I am quite happy to use the scooter if we go for a ' walk ' in the forest , or along by the coast , I have avoided using the wheelchair for a few years now . I would normally rather stay indoors and read or listen to music than brave the outside world in my wheelchair . I know it 's sometimes stupid , but I absolutely hate being in it . I was in a wheelchair quite a lot as a young child ( another story ! ) and I think because of that I almost have a phobia about using one . I feel like I 've given up . I also know it 's daft , but in my head I feel capable of everything , and so in my heart I feel a fraud sitting in a wheelchair . I also feel like I am a failure , like I have given in , like I should be able to control my body and tell it what I expect it to do . I find it so hard to accept that in reality I appear to have no input where my physical problems are concerned . I always feel a nuisance and in the way in a wheelchair , and hate the idea of looking ' disabled ' , even if , I suppose , I often am ! In preparation for our mini - break the wheelchair came out of the garage and the cobwebs and dust were flicked away . Simon re - inflated the tyres , we bought a comfy seat cushion and a very clever back cushion that doubled as a picnic pack slung over the back . The weather had been atrocious and we expected rain so I ordered a very cool purple poncho specially designed for wheelchair users . Instead of sitting in a puddle of water ( NO , not that I have accidents ! We are talking heavy rain here ! ) this poncho had cleverly designed ' flaps ' that go over the back and sides of the wheelchair - also keeping the picnic pack dry at the same time . We were set . We arranged to go by train and using my disabled rail card meant that the cost wasn 't prohibitive . Simon 's sister Wendy agreed to take us to the train station . Everything was organised . The sparkly clean wheelchair sat in the dining room but every time I walked past it I felt a massive heaviness . The thought of being in it for three days just filled me with dread . I hadn 't travelled up to London on a train for a long time and was really surprised how wonderfully clean the train was , how smooth it was too , no jigging and swaying , it was as if it was gliding along . There was an allocated space for the wheelchair so it wasn 't in anyones way , nicely tucked in a specially designed rack . It was a truly lovely journey . Comfortable seats , light and airy , just sitting chatting and enjoying the beautiful scenery of Hampshire and Surrey . Everyone at the railway station had been so helpful and nothing was too much trouble . When we arrived at Waterloo we made our way out to the taxi rank and I was pleasantly surprised at how everyone happily moved out of the way , smiling at me whilst they apologised for being where they had every right to be . The taxi driver too was a happy soul , cheerily chatting to us as he drove us to our destination . The wheelchair folded down and was no problem in the back of the cab . We were expecting a very small apartment , basically a bed - sit , but at least somewhere with a separate sitting area and a kitchenette . I couldn 't believe it when we were shown to a very stylish split - level loft - style apartment with far more space that we had ever imagined . We had huge windows with views over beautiful gardens and every modern gadget you could possibly require and very importantly , being in the middle of a heat wave , it had air conditioning too . It was totally fabulous . In the evening we decided to go for a stroll and find somewhere to eat . It had been such a hot day it was great to be out and about , albeit that I was being pushed along in my wheelchair . I had lived in South Kensington with my twin sister when we were 18 years old and hadn 't been back to that area for many many years . Amazingly I still knew my way around and before we knew it we were right outside the garden flat ( a posh way of saying basement flat ) that Tina and I had shared all those years ago . The whole area still looked exactly as it had done in the mid 70 's and I could direct Simon to soThe next day we were up at the crack of dawn to go to Chelsea ! We arrived super early and for the first couple of hours we could easily navigate around the various exhibits but as the time went on it became increasingly busy until there was not even a foot in front of me . Simon had to be so patient waiting for people to move before he could gently weave the wheelchair through the crowds without clipping people 's ankles . Yet again , people were so kind , some even calling out ' wheelchair coming through ' and everyone , without exception , would happily move out of the way . Looking at the show gardens was just brilliant . There were crowds , several people deep , all vying to take a look at the gardens , and yet when they saw me in my wheelchair people would move away from the barriers and let me through … . right to the front ! Not only did I have the best view in the house ( so to speak ) but on a couple of occasions , the actual designers came over and chatted with me . They would explain the reason for the design , why they chose certain architectural structures and how they had decided which plants to use . I felt like a V . I . P . ! ! Again , the train journey back was just great . Everyone , from the moment we left the apartment , until we arrived home , was so helpful and friendly . I can honestly say I felt I had been blessed the whole weekend . I was humbled by the incredible kindness of every single person we met . Not one person complained that I was in the way , or that they had to move for me . Everywhere we went people asked if we needed help , if there was anything they could do for us . It was incredible . When you think of all the people we had come into contact with over that weekend , and it seriously must have been in the hundreds , it was amazing how every one of them showed such consideration . We are all open to the news , whether it 's through newspapers ( which I actually don 't read ) or through the tv or radio , and the reports always seem to show that the world is full of rude and uncaring people , that we live in a world of selfishness . I can 't believe that we were just lucky with who we happened to meet in London , it proved to me that virtually everyone is actually basically good . Isn 't it a great pity that our news doesn 't reflect the reality of the society we live in ? Wouldn 't it be wonderful if our news corporations gave us a more even view of our world , rather than focussing , as they do , on acts of violence and betrayal ? So , after all my despondency , seriously considering cancelling the whole weekend and concerns about using my wheelchair , I loved our break in London . I have some wonderful memories of our time at Chelsea , but I know what will stay with me forever were the overwhelming gifts of kindness and thoughtfulness that we experienced from perfect strangers . The world is a far better place than most of us realise . It really was one of the most inspirational experiences . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
We were up bright and early , just putting the last bits and pieces in the car when the phone rang . It was my daughter Kristie , who lived with my twin sister Tina and her husband , Woody , and their family . She told me that Tina was in hospital about to have an emergency operation . She had suffered a brain haemorrhage late on Wednesday night and was due in theatre any minute to have life saving brain surgery . I felt my legs go to jelly and I could hardly speak . I had been speaking to Tina only the evening before and she had been totally fine . I went straight to Tina 's house as her children all needed to be cared for and I wanted to be with Kristie too . Tina and Woody had been unable to have children and had adopted seven learning disabled children over the course of several years . They ranged in age from three to seventeen at the time . It was an unreal morning , trying to hold myself together for the sake of the children , but desperately waiting for the phone call from Woody , who was at the hospital , to find if she had made it through the surgery . Finally just after lunch Woody rang to say she was in intensive care but that the surgery had been successful . I was over the moon . I had been praying so hard and felt that my prayers had been answered . Within a couple of days Tina was moved to the High Dependency Unit and was doing well . She complained of the most dreadful headache but the staff told us that was quite normal due to her brain surgery . After just a few more days Tina was moved to a general neurological ward and appeared to be making excellent progress . She was able to walk and talk quite normally and have a shower and walk around the ward . The expectation was that she would be home within the week ! Kristie and I were visiting her daily and on the Thursday , just a week after her operation , we had all been sitting chatting about the programmes she would be watching that evening when the nurse brought her tea , which included a small bowl of ice cream . Within minutes Tina 's speech was becoming confused and then I noticed that she was having problems eating her ice cream . Her hand was making odd movements and she was unable to hold the spoon . I alerted the staff on the ward and they explained that she might have some fluid on the brain and would carry out a lumbar puncture to release any fluid . When I left the hospital that evening I was obviously concerned , but the staff had been very reassuring and it seemed that this was quite normal and that the lumbar puncture was routine . The following morning I rang the hospital and they asked me to visit urgently . They explained that Tina was once again in intensive care . I was not at all prepared for what faced me that day . The consultant explained that Tina had suffered a massive stroke due to having a vasospasm , a rare side effect of the brain surgery . In layman 's terms , the blood vessels within her brain had gone into spasm and no blood had been able to reach the frontal lobes . I was warned that they fully expected her to die . I don 't know how I managed to physically stand by her bed , I was shaking and crying so much . She was lying there covered with wires and tubes , buzzers kept going off and she was fitting , which was terrifying to watch . The machines that were keeping her alive required almost constant attention by the special nurses who were with her . I couldn 't believe that she had been doing so well and now they really thought she would die . I prayed so much that day , I asked God why this happened and kept telling Tina over and over again how much I loved her and that she would come through this ok . When I eventually left the hospital that evening I emailed every healer I could find on the internet asking if they could please send Tina healing . I really didn 't think I 'd be able to sleep that night , but nervous exhaustion thankfully sent me straight to sleep . I awoke in the morning dreading the news from the hospital . I phoned and they said she was ' stable ' , but added that there had been no improvement . I went to the hospital as soon as I could and was met by the ward sister who told me to expect the worse . She explained that only the machines were keeping her alive , and even if she did survive the prognosis was that she would be severely disabled and unable to enjoy any quality of life as her brain was so badly damaged . Yet again I sat with her , talking to her , stroking her hand gently . I prayed that she would not leave me . I had lost my Mum , my Dad and my brother all within the space of three and half months just a few years before , and I just couldn 't bear the thought of losing my twin sister too . I talked to her about our childhood , about the fun we used to have , about family memories , even about the battles we 'd had . I just felt that I could not give up . I was sure one day that she had lightly squeezed my hand as I was about to leave , but the nurses assured me that she wouldn 't be able to do that . They said that her brain was unable to distinguish my voice and that she most probably did not have the ability to understand anything I said to her . I ignored their advise and just carried on chatting to her right up until the moment I had to leave in the evenings . Days went by and there was no progress and it became more and more likely that she would just fade away . I was totally heartbroken . I had never lived through such a time . Being an identical twin is impossible to really understand unless you are a twin yourself . We had been together since before we were born . We had shared virtually every part of our lives , most of our childhood and teenage experiences , and even though we had fought dreadfully at times , we were always there for each other and loved one another more than can be explained . Now , days in to her stroke , I was trying to come to terms with the real possibility that this was the end . That I would not have my twin sister anymore . They decided to carry out a further operation to install a shunt , a drain in her brain , which would release the fluid from her brain into her stomach . The operation was in itself risky , but without it she didn 't stand a chance , the fluid in her brain was building all the time . Again there was the dreadful time of waiting to see if she had pulled through and thankfully she did . We waited for a couple more days to see if there was any improvement , but still Tina just lay there motionless , on full life support , with every vein in her body seemingly linked to some needle to give her life saving fluids and drugs . They even had to start using the veins in her feet as they were running out of veins in her arms , her hands and her shoulders . I continually asked God why this was happening and what more could I do to help her and her family through this , but I was too upset to hear any answers . Finally , in desperation , I called a medium that I found on the internet . I didn 't want to phone anyone who knew me , I really wanted someone who had no previous knowledge of who I was . Immediately she began speaking to me , she described our Dad in the most wonderful detail , and told me that he was talking about someone very close to me who had suffered a bleed on the brain . She said this person was in a critical condition and was literally between worlds . She then went on to describe our Mum , both physically and her character , and said that she was with both of us . Amazingly she also described our brother and said that he was looking over us and that he was giving me the strength to cope with it all . She told me that Tina was aware of them with her . I asked her why this was happening and she said that Tina had chosen to go through this before she was born . She explained that it was an experience Tina 's soul had wanted and importantly it would show who would support her and who wouldn 't , who would be able to understand , and who would turn away due to the severity of the situation . I did ask if Tina would survive and the medium told me that she couldn 't answer that , but said that Tina had a very strong spirit and that whatever happened was supposed to happen . I was stunned by such an accurate reading , but still had wished that I could have been told what would be the outcome . The next day I went into the hospital again and as I walked in I said my usual ' Hi Sis ' and took her hand . I was sure her eyelids moved and then thought I felt her gently squeeze my hand again . I didn 't mention it to the nurses , who I felt sure thought I was imagining it , but inside I felt a warm glow and a real sense of joy . Something in me realised that she had turned the corner , that she would be ok . For the first time in weeks I felt an inner calm , an inner strength , I knew I could cope , as if I had been shown there was light at the end of the tunnel . I was full of optimism for her future . Tina 's small movements became almost like a secret code between her and I . Many times that day her eyelids moved as I said something funny and her fingers softly brushed mine . I gave her a kiss goodbye before I left and said I 'd see her the next day . The following day I was over the moon to see that Tina had her tracheostomy tube removed . She could breathe on her own ! That was a huge hurdle . As usual I said ' Hi Sis ' when I arrived and I almost fell over when a few moments later she uttered , in a very hoarse voice , ' Hi ' - she was back ! ! ! The nurses were laughing and clapping and the whole atmosphere in the unit was lifted . She didn 't say anything again for a few days , but she still kept moving her eyelids and through her squeezing my hand I could feel her strength grow day by day . After several more weeks Tina slowly made progress to the point where she was transferred to a neurological rehabilitation unit within the hospital . She was paralysed on her right side , still doubly incontinent , unable to even turn herself , unable to swallow food , and only able to say a few words , but she could laugh , and we would share afternoons laughing at the times we had been through together . I would sit with her and we would watch comedy shows and it would lift her spirits . It really did seem that through joy and laughter she became better and better . Through everything that had happened to her she had managed somehow to keep her sense of humour . Over the two years Tina spent in two specialist rehabilitation hospitals , she showed incredible inner strength and courage , overcoming the most enormous obstacles . Learning to do even the most basic things from scratch which most of us take for granted . She suffered dreadful setbacks , crippling pain in her paralysed arm and leg , frustration of a damaged brain that would not function as she wished , and the agony of a broken hip from falling over when trying to use a walking stick . She had to be admitted to a normal hospital for a hip replacement operation and this caused even more problems as people didn 't understand her speech and her understanding of language , having had such a serious brain injury . Everytime they asked her if she required painkillers she said yes , even if she didn 't , and by the time she was returned to the rehab unit she was totally bombed by the amount of morphine in her body . It took weeks for her to get back to some sense of normality . She suffered incredible loneliness and depression whilst trying to come to terms with the fact that most importantly , she had lost her independence . There were so many experiences that had me in tears over the time she was in hospital , but one of the most memorable occasions for me was when she was first able to stand , albeit with support , and we could have a hug . It was the best hug I 'd ever had . We were both in tears as for the first time in many months I held her in my arms and she could hug me back too . Another wonderful memory was just before her first Christmas in hospital . The nurses organised a Carol Service and arranged for a local choir to come along and we all sat singing the carols . Many of the patients sang too , including Tina , who still has a beautiful singing voice . They gave her a microphone and she sang Once in Royal David 's City . With tears streaming down my face it took me straight back to when we were both five and were angels in our school nativity play and we had sung that very song together back then . I was amazed by the most wonderful work the teams at the rehabilitation units undertook to get Tina as far along the recovery route as possible . Their patience and understanding was incredible . I was overwhelmed by the gentleness and kindness of other relatives visiting their loved ones who were also going through the most traumatic times and yet there was a camaraderie between us all , all supporting one another and all living for the time when those dear to us would regain even a little of their lives . The love within the rehab units was so strong . They were places of both immense sadness and unbelievable joy , much laughter and sometimes , sadly , unbearable heartache . I was stunned by the kindness from the wonderful worldwide community of healers , many of whom stayed in contact with me throughout her two years in hospital . The strangers , literally scattered across the globe who showed an interest and continued to send their healing thoughts to Tina . I will never be able to thank them enough . I was so saddened by the lack of support from the friends and relatives that Tina had . I would never have thought that those whom she had loved and considered close backed away and found themselves too busy to even phone to find out how she was . I was appalled by the total lack of support from social services who I had assumed would be able to offer some kind of help to Woody and the children , but who in reality basically told me that as the children had been adopted and not fostered there was nothing they could do . Just as the medium had said , it was an experience which showed people 's true colours . It was an eye - opener where friends and relatives were concerned , but it has made us both realise who really matters and who had only been there for the good times . The marriage vow , ' for better , for worse ' , often comes to my mind when I think of the people in Tina 's life who moved away from her and her family during this time , when they needed the love and support the most , and sadly received it the least . Some people even voiced that they felt it would have been better that she had just died . It is something I have tried to understand , but just can 't grasp . Maybe the lessons are for all of them , maybe they too one day may require those they hold dear to have the patience and understanding to deal with such a trauma , who knows . Some things are beyond my comprehension and maybe I will find the answers when I am once again back with my family in the spirit world . Tina amazed all the consultants and specialists involved in her care . They said many times that her recovery was a miracle , that it should have been impossible for her to make the progress that she has . Although paralysed on her right side she is still improving . She has learnt to walk again , to eat again , has regained her speech , kept most of her memories and importantly has made new friends through her involvement in stroke clubs that she regularly attends . She has become an avid reader , has learnt to master her i - phone and laptop , how to use Spotify to listen to her favourite music , and can play a mean game of scrabble ! I feel blessed that I still have my sister and that I have been able to share in such an enlightening experience . I thank Mum , Dad and our brother Ray , for the continued love and support they have given us , without which I am sure I would have crumbled . I thank God for Tina 's ongoing recovery and for the strength I was given to cope with this . Most of all I thank Tina for being my twin , she is an inspiration . I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . Hmmm … 7 unusual things … that 's going to be tough because I don 't think I 'm at all unusual ! Ok … here goes … 6 ) Until I was fourteen years old I had a bad squint in my left eye and no - one would know where I was looking - one eye looked one way , the other eye another . I finally had surgery to correct this but then had double vision for months afterwards and still have when I am tired . I have to put my hand over one eye so that I can just see one of everything ! I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . A few weeks ago I was told that Mandy Wylde would be giving a demonstration of her mediumship at Woolston Spiritual Centre , a newly opened non - denominational centre near Southampton . I had met Mandy only a couple of times at another spiritualist church I attended a couple of years ago . I was introduced to her by another friend , Jane , and she had told me that Mandy was a very good spiritual healer and a medium , but I had never known anyone she had carried out a reading for . All the way there my tummy was churning , which is something that happens whenever spirit are close to me . It is a familiar feeling if I am sitting for spirit or in any kind of development group , but not normally when I am going to see someone else give a demonstration . I told my friend Niki that my tummy felt very odd and she said that it might mean I was going to be given a message . I have been to many demonstrations over the last few years , but so rarely received a message from any of my loved ones in spirit that I didn 't really consider that this particular night would be any different . As soon as Mandy stood up I really thought I was going to be sick , my stomach went totally ballistic and I thought I might have to leave the hall because I felt so dreadful . Then , seriously , every single hair on my body went on end , I had the biggest whooshy feeling I had ever experienced . Mandy started talking and said she had a woman in spirit with her and was talking about a house fire . I knew we had a house fire when I was very young so I kept listening to the evidence she was giving . Then she went on to say that this woman had arthritis , which again Mum had suffered with . I was still wary of putting up my hand because I would absolutely hate to steal someone elses message , but then Mandy said she could hear a song being played that she knew was important to both the woman she felt was with her , and the recipient . The song was Don 't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue ' sung by Crystal Gayle . My goodness , I was struggling to hold back the tears . When I was younger I had quite a good singing voice and Mum had specifically asked me to record myself singing this song . She carried the tape around with her for years and always made her friends listen to it whilst they were travelling in the car . Immediately I put up my hand . Mandy went on to give me the most wonderful evidence that she had my Mum with her , evidence that none of my friends even knew . It was the most beautiful heart warming message and Mandy conveyed exactly the personality of my Mum . She even talked about a discussion I had been having earlier that day , which there was no way in the world she could have possibly known about it . It was amazing . She then went on to give other messages to several other people in the hall . Each of them was delivered with respect , kindness and a real sense of who they were . She managed to lighten the atmosphere when required with funny anecdotal evidence but was also able to give the most touching messages . It was a real pleasure to spend the evening watching her demonstrate and I could have happily sat there for much longer . The hall 's atmosphere was fabulous , everyone was laughing and smiling , some were crying with joy and gasping at her incredible accuracy . She gave names , relationships , addresses and really unusual information . I have to say it was the very best demonstration of mediumship I had ever seen . A couple of weeks passed and another medium was due to hold the Sunday service at the centre , but had cancelled for some reason and so Annette asked Mandy if she could step in . I hadn 't planned on going along at all , but as the weekend went by I really felt that I must go . I wasn 't exactly sure why , but I knew I would regret it if I didn 't go . It was another lovely summers evening and the atmosphere of the hall was warm and inviting . There are large windows along one wall and the sun was shining in as we all sat there waiting for the evening to begin . I couldn 't believe it when yet again my tummy started churning and I kept praying that it would stop . To begin with Mandy gave a wonderful reading and address about a man who had been struck by lightning and had medically died but who managed to survive and could remember being dead ! It was fascinating , especially the enormous changes it made to his whole life . So often I have sat through the most long - winded boring addresses and just been waiting for them to finish , but this was really interesting . We sang a couple of songs and then Mandy stood to give her demonstration of mediumship . She gave several excellent messages to different people and after a while I could see from the clock that it was almost time for her to finish . I wondered why my tummy had been churning so much , having secretly hoped that maybe I would receive another message , but I didn 't really dare hope that would happen . I had already enjoyed the evening so much so was thinking that we would be going home in a minute or two . Then Mandy started physically describing a man who sounded very much like my brother , and again I was covered in goosebumps , but didn 't put my hand up until I had heard more . Mandy then talked about his personality , which was quite unique and she said he was telling her the name Ray - which was my brother 's name . I just knew it was him , so excitedly put my hand up . Yet again Mandy gave me astonishing evidence and even more wonderful was that my aunt had come with him , and Mandy gave the most wonderful unequivocal information about her too . I realised then why I had been so keen to go along . I felt so blessed that in a matter of just a few weeks I had received messages from both Mum and Ray . I am sure that a bright future lays ahead for Mandy . She is such a good medium that as word spreads she will certainly be in great demand ! Dearest Tisha , I am moved to tears after reading your journal , I am so thrilled you felt so much peace and love on the two occasions you came to Woolston Spiritual Centre . Some months ago I asked spirit , " put me where you want me to be " , I guess they did . I love giving evidence from the spirit world to bring love and comfort , thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings , much love xx When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . A couple of weeks ago we went on a wonderful mini - break staying in London . I had always wanted to go to the Chelsea Flower Show as I have loved plants and gardens all my life , but it seemed there was always a reason that I couldn 't get there . This year it was actually Simon who suggested we went as he thought it might be a good place to use his wonderful new camera . Don 't get me wrong , he does like flowers and trees , and he is interested in the designs of gardens , but he doesn 't have the passion for gardening that I have . I was so excited when we booked the tickets a few months ago . At the time I was going through a fairly good phase healthwise and really thought that with a few planned breaks , I 'd be up to mulling around the show gardens and the wonderful exhibits and show stands that makes Chelsea the world - renowned show it has become . I spent hours on the internet researching places to stay and found The Presidential Apartments in Earls Court . I always feel slightly claustrophobic in a hotel room , hating the feeling of being boxed in and normally having nowhere else to sit but on the bed , and these apartments appeared to give you more space with a separate sitting area and even a kitchenette to prepare your own breakfast etc . I booked through a booking site and managed to secure a fantastic deal so I was a very happy bunny ! As the time became closer I was becoming quite despondent . My feet , legs and hips had decided they really did not want to work . I can only explain it as if when you wake up , instead of feeling refreshed and awake , you feel as if you have been mountain climbing all night and you have virtually no energy and considerable pain . I knew that my legs could only hold me up for a few minutes at a time , with very long rests in between , and was beginning to think that maybe we should just cancel and accept that this year was not going to be the year I 'd eventually get there . Simon though had a totally different plan in his mind . He was determined that we would go and still have a wonderful time , we 'd just take my wheelchair along too . I have a wheelchair and an electric scooter , and whilst I am quite happy to use the scooter if we go for a ' walk ' in the forest , or along by the coast , I have avoided using the wheelchair for a few years now . I would normally rather stay indoors and read or listen to music than brave the outside world in my wheelchair . I know it 's sometimes stupid , but I absolutely hate being in it . I was in a wheelchair quite a lot as a young child ( another story ! ) and I think because of that I almost have a phobia about using one . I feel like I 've given up . I also know it 's daft , but in my head I feel capable of everything , and so in my heart I feel a fraud sitting in a wheelchair . I also feel like I am a failure , like I have given in , like I should be able to control my body and tell it what I expect it to do . I find it so hard to accept that in reality I appear to have no input where my physical problems are concerned . I always feel a nuisance and in the way in a wheelchair , and hate the idea of looking ' disabled ' , even if , I suppose , I often am ! In preparation for our mini - break the wheelchair came out of the garage and the cobwebs and dust were flicked away . Simon re - inflated the tyres , we bought a comfy seat cushion and a very clever back cushion that doubled as a picnic pack slung over the back . The weather had been atrocious and we expected rain so I ordered a very cool purple poncho specially designed for wheelchair users . Instead of sitting in a puddle of water ( NO , not that I have accidents ! We are talking heavy rain here ! ) this poncho had cleverly designed ' flaps ' that go over the back and sides of the wheelchair - also keeping the picnic pack dry at the same time . We were set . We arranged to go by train and using my disabled rail card meant that the cost wasn 't prohibitive . Simon 's sister Wendy agreed to take us to the train station . Everything was organised . The sparkly clean wheelchair sat in the dining room but every time I walked past it I felt a massive heaviness . The thought of being in it for three days just filled me with dread . I hadn 't travelled up to London on a train for a long time and was really surprised how wonderfully clean the train was , how smooth it was too , no jigging and swaying , it was as if it was gliding along . There was an allocated space for the wheelchair so it wasn 't in anyones way , nicely tucked in a specially designed rack . It was a truly lovely journey . Comfortable seats , light and airy , just sitting chatting and enjoying the beautiful scenery of Hampshire and Surrey . Everyone at the railway station had been so helpful and nothing was too much trouble . When we arrived at Waterloo we made our way out to the taxi rank and I was pleasantly surprised at how everyone happily moved out of the way , smiling at me whilst they apologised for being where they had every right to be . The taxi driver too was a happy soul , cheerily chatting to us as he drove us to our destination . The wheelchair folded down and was no problem in the back of the cab . We were expecting a very small apartment , basically a bed - sit , but at least somewhere with a separate sitting area and a kitchenette . I couldn 't believe it when we were shown to a very stylish split - level loft - style apartment with far more space that we had ever imagined . We had huge windows with views over beautiful gardens and every modern gadget you could possibly require and very importantly , being in the middle of a heat wave , it had air conditioning too . It was totally fabulous . In the evening we decided to go for a stroll and find somewhere to eat . It had been such a hot day it was great to be out and about , albeit that I was being pushed along in my wheelchair . I had lived in South Kensington with my twin sister when we were 18 years old and hadn 't been back to that area for many many years . Amazingly I still knew my way around and before we knew it we were right outside the garden flat ( a posh way of saying basement flat ) that Tina and I had shared all those years ago . The whole area still looked exactly as it had done in the mid 70 's and I could direct Simon to soThe next day we were up at the crack of dawn to go to Chelsea ! We arrived super early and for the first couple of hours we could easily navigate around the various exhibits but as the time went on it became increasingly busy until there was not even a foot in front of me . Simon had to be so patient waiting for people to move before he could gently weave the wheelchair through the crowds without clipping people 's ankles . Yet again , people were so kind , some even calling out ' wheelchair coming through ' and everyone , without exception , would happily move out of the way . Looking at the show gardens was just brilliant . There were crowds , several people deep , all vying to take a look at the gardens , and yet when they saw me in my wheelchair people would move away from the barriers and let me through … . right to the front ! Not only did I have the best view in the house ( so to speak ) but on a couple of occasions , the actual designers came over and chatted with me . They would explain the reason for the design , why they chose certain architectural structures and how they had decided which plants to use . I felt like a V . I . P . ! ! Again , the train journey back was just great . Everyone , from the moment we left the apartment , until we arrived home , was so helpful and friendly . I can honestly say I felt I had been blessed the whole weekend . I was humbled by the incredible kindness of every single person we met . Not one person complained that I was in the way , or that they had to move for me . Everywhere we went people asked if we needed help , if there was anything they could do for us . It was incredible . When you think of all the people we had come into contact with over that weekend , and it seriously must have been in the hundreds , it was amazing how every one of them showed such consideration . We are all open to the news , whether it 's through newspapers ( which I actually don 't read ) or through the tv or radio , and the reports always seem to show that the world is full of rude and uncaring people , that we live in a world of selfishness . I can 't believe that we were just lucky with who we happened to meet in London , it proved to me that virtually everyone is actually basically good . Isn 't it a great pity that our news doesn 't reflect the reality of the society we live in ? Wouldn 't it be wonderful if our news corporations gave us a more even view of our world , rather than focussing , as they do , on acts of violence and betrayal ? So , after all my despondency , seriously considering cancelling the whole weekend and concerns about using my wheelchair , I loved our break in London . I have some wonderful memories of our time at Chelsea , but I know what will stay with me forever were the overwhelming gifts of kindness and thoughtfulness that we experienced from perfect strangers . The world is a far better place than most of us realise . It really was one of the most inspirational experiences . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
We were up bright and early , just putting the last bits and pieces in the car when the phone rang . It was my daughter Kristie , who lived with my twin sister Tina and her husband , Woody , and their family . She told me that Tina was in hospital about to have an emergency operation . She had suffered a brain haemorrhage late on Wednesday night and was due in theatre any minute to have life saving brain surgery . I felt my legs go to jelly and I could hardly speak . I had been speaking to Tina only the evening before and she had been totally fine . I went straight to Tina 's house as her children all needed to be cared for and I wanted to be with Kristie too . Tina and Woody had been unable to have children and had adopted seven learning disabled children over the course of several years . They ranged in age from three to seventeen at the time . It was an unreal morning , trying to hold myself together for the sake of the children , but desperately waiting for the phone call from Woody , who was at the hospital , to find if she had made it through the surgery . Finally just after lunch Woody rang to say she was in intensive care but that the surgery had been successful . I was over the moon . I had been praying so hard and felt that my prayers had been answered . Within a couple of days Tina was moved to the High Dependency Unit and was doing well . She complained of the most dreadful headache but the staff told us that was quite normal due to her brain surgery . After just a few more days Tina was moved to a general neurological ward and appeared to be making excellent progress . She was able to walk and talk quite normally and have a shower and walk around the ward . The expectation was that she would be home within the week ! Kristie and I were visiting her daily and on the Thursday , just a week after her operation , we had all been sitting chatting about the programmes she would be watching that evening when the nurse brought her tea , which included a small bowl of ice cream . Within minutes Tina 's speech was becoming confused and then I noticed that she was having problems eating her ice cream . Her hand was making odd movements and she was unable to hold the spoon . I alerted the staff on the ward and they explained that she might have some fluid on the brain and would carry out a lumbar puncture to release any fluid . When I left the hospital that evening I was obviously concerned , but the staff had been very reassuring and it seemed that this was quite normal and that the lumbar puncture was routine . The following morning I rang the hospital and they asked me to visit urgently . They explained that Tina was once again in intensive care . I was not at all prepared for what faced me that day . The consultant explained that Tina had suffered a massive stroke due to having a vasospasm , a rare side effect of the brain surgery . In layman 's terms , the blood vessels within her brain had gone into spasm and no blood had been able to reach the frontal lobes . I was warned that they fully expected her to die . I don 't know how I managed to physically stand by her bed , I was shaking and crying so much . She was lying there covered with wires and tubes , buzzers kept going off and she was fitting , which was terrifying to watch . The machines that were keeping her alive required almost constant attention by the special nurses who were with her . I couldn 't believe that she had been doing so well and now they really thought she would die . I prayed so much that day , I asked God why this happened and kept telling Tina over and over again how much I loved her and that she would come through this ok . When I eventually left the hospital that evening I emailed every healer I could find on the internet asking if they could please send Tina healing . I really didn 't think I 'd be able to sleep that night , but nervous exhaustion thankfully sent me straight to sleep . I awoke in the morning dreading the news from the hospital . I phoned and they said she was ' stable ' , but added that there had been no improvement . I went to the hospital as soon as I could and was met by the ward sister who told me to expect the worse . She explained that only the machines were keeping her alive , and even if she did survive the prognosis was that she would be severely disabled and unable to enjoy any quality of life as her brain was so badly damaged . Yet again I sat with her , talking to her , stroking her hand gently . I prayed that she would not leave me . I had lost my Mum , my Dad and my brother all within the space of three and half months just a few years before , and I just couldn 't bear the thought of losing my twin sister too . I talked to her about our childhood , about the fun we used to have , about family memories , even about the battles we 'd had . I just felt that I could not give up . I was sure one day that she had lightly squeezed my hand as I was about to leave , but the nurses assured me that she wouldn 't be able to do that . They said that her brain was unable to distinguish my voice and that she most probably did not have the ability to understand anything I said to her . I ignored their advise and just carried on chatting to her right up until the moment I had to leave in the evenings . Days went by and there was no progress and it became more and more likely that she would just fade away . I was totally heartbroken . I had never lived through such a time . Being an identical twin is impossible to really understand unless you are a twin yourself . We had been together since before we were born . We had shared virtually every part of our lives , most of our childhood and teenage experiences , and even though we had fought dreadfully at times , we were always there for each other and loved one another more than can be explained . Now , days in to her stroke , I was trying to come to terms with the real possibility that this was the end . That I would not have my twin sister anymore . They decided to carry out a further operation to install a shunt , a drain in her brain , which would release the fluid from her brain into her stomach . The operation was in itself risky , but without it she didn 't stand a chance , the fluid in her brain was building all the time . Again there was the dreadful time of waiting to see if she had pulled through and thankfully she did . We waited for a couple more days to see if there was any improvement , but still Tina just lay there motionless , on full life support , with every vein in her body seemingly linked to some needle to give her life saving fluids and drugs . They even had to start using the veins in her feet as they were running out of veins in her arms , her hands and her shoulders . I continually asked God why this was happening and what more could I do to help her and her family through this , but I was too upset to hear any answers . Finally , in desperation , I called a medium that I found on the internet . I didn 't want to phone anyone who knew me , I really wanted someone who had no previous knowledge of who I was . Immediately she began speaking to me , she described our Dad in the most wonderful detail , and told me that he was talking about someone very close to me who had suffered a bleed on the brain . She said this person was in a critical condition and was literally between worlds . She then went on to describe our Mum , both physically and her character , and said that she was with both of us . Amazingly she also described our brother and said that he was looking over us and that he was giving me the strength to cope with it all . She told me that Tina was aware of them with her . I asked her why this was happening and she said that Tina had chosen to go through this before she was born . She explained that it was an experience Tina 's soul had wanted and importantly it would show who would support her and who wouldn 't , who would be able to understand , and who would turn away due to the severity of the situation . I did ask if Tina would survive and the medium told me that she couldn 't answer that , but said that Tina had a very strong spirit and that whatever happened was supposed to happen . I was stunned by such an accurate reading , but still had wished that I could have been told what would be the outcome . The next day I went into the hospital again and as I walked in I said my usual ' Hi Sis ' and took her hand . I was sure her eyelids moved and then thought I felt her gently squeeze my hand again . I didn 't mention it to the nurses , who I felt sure thought I was imagining it , but inside I felt a warm glow and a real sense of joy . Something in me realised that she had turned the corner , that she would be ok . For the first time in weeks I felt an inner calm , an inner strength , I knew I could cope , as if I had been shown there was light at the end of the tunnel . I was full of optimism for her future . Tina 's small movements became almost like a secret code between her and I . Many times that day her eyelids moved as I said something funny and her fingers softly brushed mine . I gave her a kiss goodbye before I left and said I 'd see her the next day . The following day I was over the moon to see that Tina had her tracheostomy tube removed . She could breathe on her own ! That was a huge hurdle . As usual I said ' Hi Sis ' when I arrived and I almost fell over when a few moments later she uttered , in a very hoarse voice , ' Hi ' - she was back ! ! ! The nurses were laughing and clapping and the whole atmosphere in the unit was lifted . She didn 't say anything again for a few days , but she still kept moving her eyelids and through her squeezing my hand I could feel her strength grow day by day . After several more weeks Tina slowly made progress to the point where she was transferred to a neurological rehabilitation unit within the hospital . She was paralysed on her right side , still doubly incontinent , unable to even turn herself , unable to swallow food , and only able to say a few words , but she could laugh , and we would share afternoons laughing at the times we had been through together . I would sit with her and we would watch comedy shows and it would lift her spirits . It really did seem that through joy and laughter she became better and better . Through everything that had happened to her she had managed somehow to keep her sense of humour . Over the two years Tina spent in two specialist rehabilitation hospitals , she showed incredible inner strength and courage , overcoming the most enormous obstacles . Learning to do even the most basic things from scratch which most of us take for granted . She suffered dreadful setbacks , crippling pain in her paralysed arm and leg , frustration of a damaged brain that would not function as she wished , and the agony of a broken hip from falling over when trying to use a walking stick . She had to be admitted to a normal hospital for a hip replacement operation and this caused even more problems as people didn 't understand her speech and her understanding of language , having had such a serious brain injury . Everytime they asked her if she required painkillers she said yes , even if she didn 't , and by the time she was returned to the rehab unit she was totally bombed by the amount of morphine in her body . It took weeks for her to get back to some sense of normality . She suffered incredible loneliness and depression whilst trying to come to terms with the fact that most importantly , she had lost her independence . There were so many experiences that had me in tears over the time she was in hospital , but one of the most memorable occasions for me was when she was first able to stand , albeit with support , and we could have a hug . It was the best hug I 'd ever had . We were both in tears as for the first time in many months I held her in my arms and she could hug me back too . Another wonderful memory was just before her first Christmas in hospital . The nurses organised a Carol Service and arranged for a local choir to come along and we all sat singing the carols . Many of the patients sang too , including Tina , who still has a beautiful singing voice . They gave her a microphone and she sang Once in Royal David 's City . With tears streaming down my face it took me straight back to when we were both five and were angels in our school nativity play and we had sung that very song together back then . I was amazed by the most wonderful work the teams at the rehabilitation units undertook to get Tina as far along the recovery route as possible . Their patience and understanding was incredible . I was overwhelmed by the gentleness and kindness of other relatives visiting their loved ones who were also going through the most traumatic times and yet there was a camaraderie between us all , all supporting one another and all living for the time when those dear to us would regain even a little of their lives . The love within the rehab units was so strong . They were places of both immense sadness and unbelievable joy , much laughter and sometimes , sadly , unbearable heartache . I was stunned by the kindness from the wonderful worldwide community of healers , many of whom stayed in contact with me throughout her two years in hospital . The strangers , literally scattered across the globe who showed an interest and continued to send their healing thoughts to Tina . I will never be able to thank them enough . I was so saddened by the lack of support from the friends and relatives that Tina had . I would never have thought that those whom she had loved and considered close backed away and found themselves too busy to even phone to find out how she was . I was appalled by the total lack of support from social services who I had assumed would be able to offer some kind of help to Woody and the children , but who in reality basically told me that as the children had been adopted and not fostered there was nothing they could do . Just as the medium had said , it was an experience which showed people 's true colours . It was an eye - opener where friends and relatives were concerned , but it has made us both realise who really matters and who had only been there for the good times . The marriage vow , ' for better , for worse ' , often comes to my mind when I think of the people in Tina 's life who moved away from her and her family during this time , when they needed the love and support the most , and sadly received it the least . Some people even voiced that they felt it would have been better that she had just died . It is something I have tried to understand , but just can 't grasp . Maybe the lessons are for all of them , maybe they too one day may require those they hold dear to have the patience and understanding to deal with such a trauma , who knows . Some things are beyond my comprehension and maybe I will find the answers when I am once again back with my family in the spirit world . Tina amazed all the consultants and specialists involved in her care . They said many times that her recovery was a miracle , that it should have been impossible for her to make the progress that she has . Although paralysed on her right side she is still improving . She has learnt to walk again , to eat again , has regained her speech , kept most of her memories and importantly has made new friends through her involvement in stroke clubs that she regularly attends . She has become an avid reader , has learnt to master her i - phone and laptop , how to use Spotify to listen to her favourite music , and can play a mean game of scrabble ! I feel blessed that I still have my sister and that I have been able to share in such an enlightening experience . I thank Mum , Dad and our brother Ray , for the continued love and support they have given us , without which I am sure I would have crumbled . I thank God for Tina 's ongoing recovery and for the strength I was given to cope with this . Most of all I thank Tina for being my twin , she is an inspiration . I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . Hmmm … 7 unusual things … that 's going to be tough because I don 't think I 'm at all unusual ! Ok … here goes … 6 ) Until I was fourteen years old I had a bad squint in my left eye and no - one would know where I was looking - one eye looked one way , the other eye another . I finally had surgery to correct this but then had double vision for months afterwards and still have when I am tired . I have to put my hand over one eye so that I can just see one of everything ! I attended a weeks mediumship course at the Arthur Findlay College in Stansted several years ago with my friend Trudie . As always it had been an emotional time with most of us receiving wonderful messages from our loved ones in spirit , and most of us also giving messages to other students . Being a medium and giving such messages can be quite overwhelming at times when you know the impact that it may have on the recipient . My tutor that particular week was the very wonderful Janet Parker . She is an extremely spiritual woman and whenever I have been blessed with being in her class I have always felt that she gives each and every one of her students as much support as possible . I don 't think many people appreciate the challenges that we mediums put ourselves through when we attend these courses . It is not as if you can revise to ensure that you manage to maintain a link with spirit , or that you can practise on your own , or that you can read manuals . It really is just a case of putting yourself forward to serve spirit in the best possible way you can . It is a case of learning to allow your mind to become still so that you can connect to spirit without all the day - to - day activities , planning , worries , and the general hum drum taking over your thoughts . You have to be totally trusting when you open your awareness to make contact with spirit . Sometimes you may hear spirit , or feel them , or see visions in your mind 's eye , and you have to give the information you are given without adding your own thoughts or ideas . It is quite a discipline to learn . It is not until you try to do this for hours on end that you realise how difficult it can be to overcome all the nagging thoughts that suddenly rush into your head and scream to be heard ! Being in such a spiritual environment does seem to bring out the very best in my mediumship . I am sure that spirits are drawn to the place like moths around a light bulb . There is never a shortage of loved ones who are trying to get their messages conveyed through the students and it really does make the courses so worthwhile . The tutors guide you gently towards achieving the very best mediumship you can manage and offer tips and ideas to ensure that you develop to your highest potential . This particular week was very special as on the very first night I had received the most exact and evidential messages from both my parents through one of the tutors and then also throughout the week from several of the students . I had been going through a very tough time in my personal life and really felt the messages that I was fortunate enough to receive showed that I still had my parents around me , still loving me and supporting me and offering their advise . Each reading I had received had contained different evidence that no - one there could have possibly known . I felt incredibly blessed . As the week came to a close I felt sad that I would be leaving . Not only would I miss the teachings and the practising of my mediumship , but I knew it was unlikely that I would be in a position to receive any further communications from my parents for quite some while . Janet , and Paul Jacobs , another tutor , had organised a closing ceremony in The Sanctuary , a beautiful church attached to the college where spiritual services are held on a regular basis . It has a fantastic uplifting atmosphere and I 've always loved being there , you can almost feel arms wrapped around you as you walk in . They told us that we weren 't allowed to attend until 8pm as they had some preparations to complete . Trudie and I hadn 't really given the evening too much thought as most final evenings are nice , but not anything out of the ordinary . When we walked into the Sanctuary , just after 8pm , we were greeted by the most wonderful vision of beautiful materials and oriental rugs laid on the floor running down the centre of the church . Incense sticks were burning and candles flickered in the darkness . Hundreds of small unlit tealight candles had been placed on the materials and chairs were placed either side running the length of the Sanctuary . There was a hush of anticipation as we students all filed in quietly , taking our seats whilst gentle music was playing . Trudie and I sat next to each other about midway down the room . Janet and Paul both gave a talk about the week we had just experienced and thanked spirit for their participation in our teachings . Janet then instructed the students sitting at the end of the rows to light a candle for each loved one they had in spirit , then the lighter was to be passed to the next student , then the next etc . By the time it came to Trudie and I most of the candles were already lit and the Sanctuary looked absolutely amazing . I lit candles for my Mum , for my Dad , for my brother , for my friend Janet , and not wishing to look greedy , lit another jointly for all my aunts . uncles and grandparents in spirit . Trudie too lit candles for those she had loved and lost , including her cousin Robert whom she missed so much . When all the candles were lit Janet asked us to close our eyes . She asked us to give thanks to our guides and loved ones for helping us through the week and for allowing us to experience the love from spirit that we had all shared . Whilst our eyes were closed , and we were sitting in the candle light , Janet put on the music , To Where You Are , performed by Josh Groban . I had never heard this before and was lost in the beautiful words that meant so much to me . I couldn 't help but start crying , both because of the joy of knowing my loved ones were so close and also because of the pain and loss at realising that I can 't always reach out and touch them , speak to them , or hold them as I once did . I felt around in my pocket for a tissue and all I had was an old crumpled one . I thought it would have to do , and then I realised Trudie was crying too , she whispered to me " Do you have a tissue ? " , I only had the one , so I tore it in half , and there we were , the two of us , holding hands and using half a tissue each to mop our tears . A few weeks ago I was told that Mandy Wylde would be giving a demonstration of her mediumship at Woolston Spiritual Centre , a newly opened non - denominational centre near Southampton . I had met Mandy only a couple of times at another spiritualist church I attended a couple of years ago . I was introduced to her by another friend , Jane , and she had told me that Mandy was a very good spiritual healer and a medium , but I had never known anyone she had carried out a reading for . All the way there my tummy was churning , which is something that happens whenever spirit are close to me . It is a familiar feeling if I am sitting for spirit or in any kind of development group , but not normally when I am going to see someone else give a demonstration . I told my friend Niki that my tummy felt very odd and she said that it might mean I was going to be given a message . I have been to many demonstrations over the last few years , but so rarely received a message from any of my loved ones in spirit that I didn 't really consider that this particular night would be any different . As soon as Mandy stood up I really thought I was going to be sick , my stomach went totally ballistic and I thought I might have to leave the hall because I felt so dreadful . Then , seriously , every single hair on my body went on end , I had the biggest whooshy feeling I had ever experienced . Mandy started talking and said she had a woman in spirit with her and was talking about a house fire . I knew we had a house fire when I was very young so I kept listening to the evidence she was giving . Then she went on to say that this woman had arthritis , which again Mum had suffered with . I was still wary of putting up my hand because I would absolutely hate to steal someone elses message , but then Mandy said she could hear a song being played that she knew was important to both the woman she felt was with her , and the recipient . The song was Don 't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue ' sung by Crystal Gayle . My goodness , I was struggling to hold back the tears . When I was younger I had quite a good singing voice and Mum had specifically asked me to record myself singing this song . She carried the tape around with her for years and always made her friends listen to it whilst they were travelling in the car . Immediately I put up my hand . Mandy went on to give me the most wonderful evidence that she had my Mum with her , evidence that none of my friends even knew . It was the most beautiful heart warming message and Mandy conveyed exactly the personality of my Mum . She even talked about a discussion I had been having earlier that day , which there was no way in the world she could have possibly known about it . It was amazing . She then went on to give other messages to several other people in the hall . Each of them was delivered with respect , kindness and a real sense of who they were . She managed to lighten the atmosphere when required with funny anecdotal evidence but was also able to give the most touching messages . It was a real pleasure to spend the evening watching her demonstrate and I could have happily sat there for much longer . The hall 's atmosphere was fabulous , everyone was laughing and smiling , some were crying with joy and gasping at her incredible accuracy . She gave names , relationships , addresses and really unusual information . I have to say it was the very best demonstration of mediumship I had ever seen . A couple of weeks passed and another medium was due to hold the Sunday service at the centre , but had cancelled for some reason and so Annette asked Mandy if she could step in . I hadn 't planned on going along at all , but as the weekend went by I really felt that I must go . I wasn 't exactly sure why , but I knew I would regret it if I didn 't go . It was another lovely summers evening and the atmosphere of the hall was warm and inviting . There are large windows along one wall and the sun was shining in as we all sat there waiting for the evening to begin . I couldn 't believe it when yet again my tummy started churning and I kept praying that it would stop . To begin with Mandy gave a wonderful reading and address about a man who had been struck by lightning and had medically died but who managed to survive and could remember being dead ! It was fascinating , especially the enormous changes it made to his whole life . So often I have sat through the most long - winded boring addresses and just been waiting for them to finish , but this was really interesting . We sang a couple of songs and then Mandy stood to give her demonstration of mediumship . She gave several excellent messages to different people and after a while I could see from the clock that it was almost time for her to finish . I wondered why my tummy had been churning so much , having secretly hoped that maybe I would receive another message , but I didn 't really dare hope that would happen . I had already enjoyed the evening so much so was thinking that we would be going home in a minute or two . Then Mandy started physically describing a man who sounded very much like my brother , and again I was covered in goosebumps , but didn 't put my hand up until I had heard more . Mandy then talked about his personality , which was quite unique and she said he was telling her the name Ray - which was my brother 's name . I just knew it was him , so excitedly put my hand up . Yet again Mandy gave me astonishing evidence and even more wonderful was that my aunt had come with him , and Mandy gave the most wonderful unequivocal information about her too . I realised then why I had been so keen to go along . I felt so blessed that in a matter of just a few weeks I had received messages from both Mum and Ray . I am sure that a bright future lays ahead for Mandy . She is such a good medium that as word spreads she will certainly be in great demand ! Dearest Tisha , I am moved to tears after reading your journal , I am so thrilled you felt so much peace and love on the two occasions you came to Woolston Spiritual Centre . Some months ago I asked spirit , " put me where you want me to be " , I guess they did . I love giving evidence from the spirit world to bring love and comfort , thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings , much love xx When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . A couple of weeks ago we went on a wonderful mini - break staying in London . I had always wanted to go to the Chelsea Flower Show as I have loved plants and gardens all my life , but it seemed there was always a reason that I couldn 't get there . This year it was actually Simon who suggested we went as he thought it might be a good place to use his wonderful new camera . Don 't get me wrong , he does like flowers and trees , and he is interested in the designs of gardens , but he doesn 't have the passion for gardening that I have . I was so excited when we booked the tickets a few months ago . At the time I was going through a fairly good phase healthwise and really thought that with a few planned breaks , I 'd be up to mulling around the show gardens and the wonderful exhibits and show stands that makes Chelsea the world - renowned show it has become . I spent hours on the internet researching places to stay and found The Presidential Apartments in Earls Court . I always feel slightly claustrophobic in a hotel room , hating the feeling of being boxed in and normally having nowhere else to sit but on the bed , and these apartments appeared to give you more space with a separate sitting area and even a kitchenette to prepare your own breakfast etc . I booked through a booking site and managed to secure a fantastic deal so I was a very happy bunny ! As the time became closer I was becoming quite despondent . My feet , legs and hips had decided they really did not want to work . I can only explain it as if when you wake up , instead of feeling refreshed and awake , you feel as if you have been mountain climbing all night and you have virtually no energy and considerable pain . I knew that my legs could only hold me up for a few minutes at a time , with very long rests in between , and was beginning to think that maybe we should just cancel and accept that this year was not going to be the year I 'd eventually get there . Simon though had a totally different plan in his mind . He was determined that we would go and still have a wonderful time , we 'd just take my wheelchair along too . I have a wheelchair and an electric scooter , and whilst I am quite happy to use the scooter if we go for a ' walk ' in the forest , or along by the coast , I have avoided using the wheelchair for a few years now . I would normally rather stay indoors and read or listen to music than brave the outside world in my wheelchair . I know it 's sometimes stupid , but I absolutely hate being in it . I was in a wheelchair quite a lot as a young child ( another story ! ) and I think because of that I almost have a phobia about using one . I feel like I 've given up . I also know it 's daft , but in my head I feel capable of everything , and so in my heart I feel a fraud sitting in a wheelchair . I also feel like I am a failure , like I have given in , like I should be able to control my body and tell it what I expect it to do . I find it so hard to accept that in reality I appear to have no input where my physical problems are concerned . I always feel a nuisance and in the way in a wheelchair , and hate the idea of looking ' disabled ' , even if , I suppose , I often am ! In preparation for our mini - break the wheelchair came out of the garage and the cobwebs and dust were flicked away . Simon re - inflated the tyres , we bought a comfy seat cushion and a very clever back cushion that doubled as a picnic pack slung over the back . The weather had been atrocious and we expected rain so I ordered a very cool purple poncho specially designed for wheelchair users . Instead of sitting in a puddle of water ( NO , not that I have accidents ! We are talking heavy rain here ! ) this poncho had cleverly designed ' flaps ' that go over the back and sides of the wheelchair - also keeping the picnic pack dry at the same time . We were set . We arranged to go by train and using my disabled rail card meant that the cost wasn 't prohibitive . Simon 's sister Wendy agreed to take us to the train station . Everything was organised . The sparkly clean wheelchair sat in the dining room but every time I walked past it I felt a massive heaviness . The thought of being in it for three days just filled me with dread . I hadn 't travelled up to London on a train for a long time and was really surprised how wonderfully clean the train was , how smooth it was too , no jigging and swaying , it was as if it was gliding along . There was an allocated space for the wheelchair so it wasn 't in anyones way , nicely tucked in a specially designed rack . It was a truly lovely journey . Comfortable seats , light and airy , just sitting chatting and enjoying the beautiful scenery of Hampshire and Surrey . Everyone at the railway station had been so helpful and nothing was too much trouble . When we arrived at Waterloo we made our way out to the taxi rank and I was pleasantly surprised at how everyone happily moved out of the way , smiling at me whilst they apologised for being where they had every right to be . The taxi driver too was a happy soul , cheerily chatting to us as he drove us to our destination . The wheelchair folded down and was no problem in the back of the cab . We were expecting a very small apartment , basically a bed - sit , but at least somewhere with a separate sitting area and a kitchenette . I couldn 't believe it when we were shown to a very stylish split - level loft - style apartment with far more space that we had ever imagined . We had huge windows with views over beautiful gardens and every modern gadget you could possibly require and very importantly , being in the middle of a heat wave , it had air conditioning too . It was totally fabulous . In the evening we decided to go for a stroll and find somewhere to eat . It had been such a hot day it was great to be out and about , albeit that I was being pushed along in my wheelchair . I had lived in South Kensington with my twin sister when we were 18 years old and hadn 't been back to that area for many many years . Amazingly I still knew my way around and before we knew it we were right outside the garden flat ( a posh way of saying basement flat ) that Tina and I had shared all those years ago . The whole area still looked exactly as it had done in the mid 70 's and I could direct Simon to soThe next day we were up at the crack of dawn to go to Chelsea ! We arrived super early and for the first couple of hours we could easily navigate around the various exhibits but as the time went on it became increasingly busy until there was not even a foot in front of me . Simon had to be so patient waiting for people to move before he could gently weave the wheelchair through the crowds without clipping people 's ankles . Yet again , people were so kind , some even calling out ' wheelchair coming through ' and everyone , without exception , would happily move out of the way . Looking at the show gardens was just brilliant . There were crowds , several people deep , all vying to take a look at the gardens , and yet when they saw me in my wheelchair people would move away from the barriers and let me through … . right to the front ! Not only did I have the best view in the house ( so to speak ) but on a couple of occasions , the actual designers came over and chatted with me . They would explain the reason for the design , why they chose certain architectural structures and how they had decided which plants to use . I felt like a V . I . P . ! ! Again , the train journey back was just great . Everyone , from the moment we left the apartment , until we arrived home , was so helpful and friendly . I can honestly say I felt I had been blessed the whole weekend . I was humbled by the incredible kindness of every single person we met . Not one person complained that I was in the way , or that they had to move for me . Everywhere we went people asked if we needed help , if there was anything they could do for us . It was incredible . When you think of all the people we had come into contact with over that weekend , and it seriously must have been in the hundreds , it was amazing how every one of them showed such consideration . We are all open to the news , whether it 's through newspapers ( which I actually don 't read ) or through the tv or radio , and the reports always seem to show that the world is full of rude and uncaring people , that we live in a world of selfishness . I can 't believe that we were just lucky with who we happened to meet in London , it proved to me that virtually everyone is actually basically good . Isn 't it a great pity that our news doesn 't reflect the reality of the society we live in ? Wouldn 't it be wonderful if our news corporations gave us a more even view of our world , rather than focussing , as they do , on acts of violence and betrayal ? So , after all my despondency , seriously considering cancelling the whole weekend and concerns about using my wheelchair , I loved our break in London . I have some wonderful memories of our time at Chelsea , but I know what will stay with me forever were the overwhelming gifts of kindness and thoughtfulness that we experienced from perfect strangers . The world is a far better place than most of us realise . It really was one of the most inspirational experiences . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I stayed up reading last night until about 1 am , then fell asleep . Then I was up at 5 : 45 am and that was it , I was up for the day . I tried to fall back asleep , but couldn 't . I finally got out of bed at 7 : 30 and fed the dogs , then took them out . Then I went back to bed but was too restless to even doze . I had to be out of the house by 9 : 30 for my massage , so I just gave up and got dressed at 8 : 30 . I thought the massage would be good and relaxing - since I did ask for a relaxing massage and not trigger point - but I kind of felt icky and my head felt real stuffy and swollen when I was on my stomach . And my face felt swollen in the face rest thingy . Afterward I was so tired that I had trouble driving home . Then I had to feed the dogs their mid - day meal and take them out . I had hoped to rest after that , but it didn 't work out . I tried reading and watching TV , but the dogs kept wanting to go out so I kept having to get up . On and off I IM 'd with Hub as he was running errands and getting things ready for the wedding . He 's getting kind of irritated with his father at this point . They don 't really get along too well on a regular basis , and their politics are polar opposite . So Hub is feeling edgy and unhappy . He still has to get through tomorrow without going crazy , then tomorrow night late he gets on the plane to come home overnight . Okay , so I did the dinner thing and fed the dogs and retrieved a wedding invitation from my mailbox from my cousin . I went to check in on my father to see if he got his invitation , then to remind him he needed to try on his suit , in case he needed to buy a new one . Then I came home , I took the dogs out , did their after dinner snacky , took them out again , then sat down to read and play some games on my iPad . I was able to stretch out the evening so I only had to take the dogs out again at 10pm before bedtime . So at 10pm I take them downstairs and outside . One goes one way , the other goes the other way , so I stand just off the deck on our small paver patio to wait for them . Then I see Le Moo sniffing at something on the patio about 3 feet away from me … and I step closer to take another look . It 's cicada time here , so I was thinking it was a live cicada and she was going to try to eat it - experience speaking here - and I was prepared to admonish her . And then I realized it wasn 't a cicada . On my patio , right off my deck , right outside my back door . Last Friday I beat a smaller snake to death out in the yard after I nearly walked on it while picking up dog poop . Fortunately , I spotted it while still about six inches away and I hotfooted it back to the house and grabbed the hard metal rake that had been sitting on the deck . I found the snake in the yard again - out toward the back closer to the fence and the " woods " back there - and I beat that fucker to death . It took me like five minutes because the damn thing wouldn 't die … I think because there are ruts in the grass out there so I wasn 't getting good contact with it . When I was sure it was dead I used the rake to pick it up and I threw it out over the fence into the brush . I hurt my arms , my back , and the back of my legs trying to kill it . Okay , so back to tonight . The damn snake is on the patio , brazen as you please , bigger than the one from Friday - at least 2 feet long - head up , glaring at Le Moo . Le Moo starts backing away and I order her to go up onto the deck . But Butthead is out on the other side of the snake in the yard , peeing , and she finishes and comes running back and she always runs on the patio . And of course she has to run right past the snake , which she does , but then she does a double - take and goes back … and I 'm screaming at her to get away from the damn snake and she 's sniffing right at it because she 's STOOPID . So I finally order her away and both dogs into the house , and I rush into the garage to get a shovel … but by the time I get back outside the fucker is GONE . So now it 's either in the bushes right up against the house and next to the patio , or it 's in the grass somewhere . So now I gotta go back out there tomorrow , wondering where it is . Is it lurking in the bushes ? In the grass ? Is it gonna jump out and BITE ME or the dogs ? I don 't like killing things . Friday was the first time I 'd ever killed a snake … or probably anything other than ants and spiders . Before that , Hub had killed two of them since we 've lived in this house . We 've never had snake problems before we moved here . I 'm not happy about killing anything . But … I have nightmares about snakes attacking me and biting me and all kindsa shit . I 'm NOT good with snakes in my yard . Yes , I know they keep rodents away . Yes , I understand that the snakes in my yard are not likely to be venomous . Yes , I even understand they are not likely to actually bite unless threatened … but guys , it 's a goddamn snake and I am afraid of snakes . I 'd rather let the owls and the hawks take care of the rodents and let the snakes go somewhere else . ANYWHERE ELSE . AWAY FROM HERE . I ordered snake repellent from Amazon , to be delivered sometime tomorrow . It 's not likely to help , I 'm aware , but I 'm desperate to try anything to keep these things away from the house . I mean hey , live your life out there in the woods Snakey - snakey … just not here in my yard or on my patio or in the goddamn bushes next to my house . So yeah , day 3 is done . I am managing but I 'm damn tired . And I 'm not looking forward to the snake nightmares tonight , or the anxiety of watching out for snakes tomorrow in real life . Ugh , The ceremony yesterday went as I expected for the most part . Hub and I - and one of my brothers - stood right with my dad , in case he had an issue during the service . He really shook like a leaf the whole time , so I was grateful that Hub was there right behind me and Dad in case Dad fell or fainted or whatever . Our Rabbi was the only one who spoke , and he said very nice things about Mom … he 's known us for more than 45 years , and he was especially close with my parents for the last twenty or so since my mother served on his temple 's board for many years in several different capacities . In addition to her attending services weekly after my grandfather died . He also read a poem , which I think is kind of a standard poem for funerals , even though this technically wasn 't a funeral . After the short service was over , I stood at the headstone for a few minutes . While I was there , my brother ( the same as above ) came back over and sat in one of the chairs that the cemetery provided us . I went over and sat with him ( after asking if he wanted to be alone , which he said no ) , and after a few minutes my father came back , as did my other two brothers and my SIL . We kind of sat there quietly for a few minutes … some of us crying and some of us not . The lunch was fine at Dad 's house . We mostly did a buffet style , so it was easy enough to just put stuff out and then congregate at the extended table in the dining room . When everyone but my siblings and SIL left , we hung out for a while until my father ended up falling asleep in his recliner . Then Hub and I went home for the rest of the afternoon . We went back last night to say good - bye to my out - of - town brother and SIL , as they were flying home early this morning . I don 't feel any differently about my loss . The Rabbi kept telling me that with the passing of this ceremony , maybe my father would find some closure and his depression would lift and he 'd be doing better . I don 't think that 's going to be the case for Dad . Mostly because I don 't see Mom 's passing any differently on the other side of the ceremony . It doesn 't change the day - to - day living without her . Not for me , anyway . Now that we have passed that … milestone ? … , I have to move on to things that are waiting for me . One of which is a colonoscopy . Next Monday . I was having some mild stomach issues - that mostly resolved after my PCP appointment - that my primary sent me onward to a gastro doctor . The gastro doctor talked to me about my cancer history , which puts me at higher risk for both breast and colon cancer ( which I knew , which was why I went to my PCP right away ) , and he suggested a colonoscopy . He said it was better safe then sorry , and indicated that if all was well and I didn 't have issues , I could go ten years until my next one . Normally you get a colonoscopy starting at 50 , but again because of my history , he wanted to go ahead and do it now . It 's probably nothing major going on , but I don 't want to let anything go , so I 'm getting the test . Sadly , the part that worries me the most is the prep . I hated the surgery prep that I had to do twice in three months for my hysterectomy and then oopharectomy last year . The gastro doctor prescribed a different type of prep - so no gatorade , thankfully - but surgery prep is still really uncomfortable and tiring and anxiety - inducing . The procedure itself will include propofol , so I shouldn 't remember anything . I had that with my other surgeries and they were right , I don 't remember shit after they said " count backwards from 10 " and the last number I remember was 9 . I 'm also worried about the recovery in the days following . With my physical issues and pain issues , I am sure I 'll be uncomfortable after . I only hope I 'll be recovered in time to go to my in - laws for the holidays . Le Moo likes to hang out in our partially unfinished basement . We don 't know why … if it 's the cold concrete floors , the darkness , or the general idea that she gets to sleep uninterrupted down there . We have a baby gate on our steps that we try to keep closed when we 're not down there , otherwise she goes downstairs and refuses to come back up unless there 's food involved . Unfortunately , sometimes Hub goes downstairs for something ( it 's sort of his man - cave ) and Le Moo follows . Then when we finally get her back upstairs , if Hub forgets to close the baby gate ( it 's set up down half a flight of stairs around a corner out of sight ) then Le Moo will just kind of disappear and we 'll have to go searching for her . So she was down in her lair this morning and it was time for their lunch , so I 'm yelling and yelling for her - sometimes she 's a hard sleeper - while I 'm putting together their food . I turn around and I see her in the hallway at the top of the stairs and I 'm like " you lazy cow " … and then I realize she 's limping . And my heart sinks . We adopted Le Moo in the fall of 2011 , and from what I remember , she was about 3 1 / 2 years old at the time . We 're at about 4 1 / 2 years from that time , so she 's about eight years old . She 's 95lbs ( ish … we 're working on getting some weight off of her , even though we 've never been able to accomplish that in the last 4 + years ) , and we think she 's a large breed dog . Large breed dogs have shorter life spans than their smaller counterparts . Le Moo is the twilight of her life . She 's had these limps on and off through her entire time with us , and our vet has never found anything . Despite Le Moo 's stature , she can haul ass when she wants to , and she 's prone to po - go ' ing when she sees a bird or some other critter she wants to chase outside the fence . We 've never gotten the po - go ' ing on camera , but it 's pretty amazing the amount of air that she can get when in flight . Most of the time , the limp resolves , probably because she strained something when running or jumping . It 's wholly possible this limp , too , will resolve . I sat on the floor and checked her feet , paws , toes , leg , elbow , etc . She didn 't show any distress and I found nothing . After the initial alarm , I 've left her to rest on her own . Now I 've been interrupted by the request to go outside . I took the opportunity during Le Moo 's snooze on the deck to inspect her paw and I have found a sore . I thought there was something on her pad and I pulled it off but it felt like … a sticker ( as in a piece of paper with glue on it ) . But now there 's a sore left behind , which explains the limping . I 've contacted the vet to see if we need to do anything other than keep it clean , but there 's not much we can do with a foot , you know ? Anyway , after the initial alarm and the back and forth with Hub about what was going on , I told him If there was any reason for me not to get another dog in the future , it 's the worry and anxiety I get over them . It 's so hard to be worried all the time . He said he understood , but that they give us so much back , it 's worth it . I said , Some days it feels too hard . Some days it does . Le Moo is in her golden years . I can 't even fathom the idea of losing her , especially after losing SP . Butthead has been throwing up on and off , not to mention her ACL replacement and ensuing second surgery AND ensuing limping issues . I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning wondering if Butthead has gotten sick . We don 't know why she 's throwing up , and it 's sporadic and hard to figure out . We 've put her on digestive enzymes in case it is acid reflux or tummy issues , and we have pepcid on hand at our vet 's recommendation if the enzymes don 't work . But it 's more worry for me . More anxiety . These I need like a hole in the head . Don 't get me wrong , I love my dogs . I love my dogs more than I love most of the people in my life . I can 't imagine my life without them . I couldn 't imagine life without SP or life without my parents ' dogs over the years ( their current , Cray - cray Lab , is limping and we don 't know why … sigh ) . But the stress over caring for them and worrying for them is tough . How do I balance it ? How do I manage it ? It was nice for a while on Saturday because I had no responsibilities . Mom was safely ensconced in her house with my dad and brother . Hub was here with me . We watched three episodes of House of Cards on Saturday . We 'd been wanting to check it out but just hadn 't found the time . We sat around and did nothing while the storm blew and spewed and accumulated . Every couple of hours Hub would go out and shovel a path off the deck and into the yard for the dogs . I tried to go out to help broom off the stairs and like a dumb - butt , I put my foot down where I thought it was ground only it wasn 't ground yet , I twisted my knee , fell sideways and barely caught myself from slamming into the stair post and the house and the ground . My knee was sore and my back was tweaked . Needless to say Hub shuffled me back into the house right away and settled me on the recliner with an ice pack on my knee . For most of Saturday the dogs did pretty well . They would run off the deck , pee in one of the paths Hub had shoveled , then run back into the house . Butthead even found a spot to poop in all that snow , but Le Moo held out until Sunday morning . We enjoyed the day of nothing Saturday , without really thinking about much about the front of the house . Friday afternoon before the snow started , we parked my four wheel drive SUV parallel to the garage door , thinking if we got it close enough to the door , it and the roof overhang would protect the garage door from the snow . And also , the truck would be out of the way of the plow guy that comes to take care of our long driveways . This morning when I came downstairs , Hub told me that Le Moo pooped after a long , drawn out wander through the 28 ″ of snow we got . She refused to poop in any of the paths Hub had shoveled , instead she " swam " over the snow to try and get to the back of the yard to poop . At some point she gave up and pooped somewhere , which Hub then shoveled out of the way . Butthead , on the other hand , didn 't poop at her normal time first thing in the morning . So I took her out when I came downstairs and watched as she frantically ran along all the paths - back and forth , back and forth - sometimes jumping up onto the walls of snow around her . She FINALLY climbed up into unshoveled snow , pooped , then couldn 't figure out how to get back to the house without jumping OVER the poop . And not making a clean jump … literally . I had to clean her fur when we got back to the house . YUCK . That last picture ? Can you see the very top edge of my SUV there ? And on the right side , my garage door ? With the snow piled up in between ? Pressing against my garage door so hard it was bowed in on the inside ? Yeah . So pretty much we were actually STUCK IN THE HOUSE . The access door and the garage are the only way out of the house , with the exception of our front door which a ) we never use ( and it doesn 't even have a walkway to the driveway ) and b ) it was completely blocked in by 28 ″ of snow just off the porch . Gah . I actually started getting a little freaked out . I don 't mind being in the house for days at a time . I was happy to have Hub stuck in the house with me . I don 't get " cabin fever " and don 't really understand people who do . I certainly don 't understand people who get " cabin fever " and MUST leave the house after 24 hours ( to the detriment of their own well - being on roads that aren 't drive - able or even walk - able ) . C ' mon , really ? So I was all fine and well with being in the house … until I realized we were literally STUCK IN THE HOUSE . Unable to get out if we needed to . And no one could get in to us . Unh . Saturday late morning ( sorry , this is all out of order ) , our " regular " plow guy - who is actually our mechanic , he happens to moonlight as a plow guy during the short snow season we have - called to say he BROKE the axle on his plow truck very early that morning on a job . I was really concerned because with the huge storm , we were sure that all the plows would be booked with jobs days ahead of time and no one would be able to get to us for days . So after the call from our regular plow guy , I waited a couple of hours in case he could find the parts he needed to fix his truck . When he didn 't call back , I went to Craigslist … which I never do because I 'm entirely suspicious of people who post services on Craiglist . Actually , I 'm entirely suspicious of anything posted on Craigslist , but that 's another story . I didn 't know where else to look . I emailed four different listings looking for pricing and availability . The first guy who responded to me turned out to be a guy who had driven down from New Hampshire to help a friend pick up plow jobs during the storm . He gave me a price , I asked him for something a little better , and he agreed to come out the next day to plow us ( and my parents ) out . When I emailed him Sunday morning to tell him that my parents would pay him because I literally couldn 't get out of my house , he responded saying that he had a co - hort in the truck with him and they 'd help shovel to my access door from outside after they plowed out the driveway . Seriously , these guys were a God - send . They showed up , they had an amazing plow ( the blades moved in every direction and also changed from pointed plow to scoop blade … ) , they did MORE than we had arranged for , AND they helped dig out my truck . We gave them extra money for all the work they did , wished them safe work , and continued cleaning up our driveway . Aaaaaaaand that 's my fence gate on the other side . See it cranked into a Vee shape ? Bent backward into the yard . Whoops . We have NO idea how badly the gate is damaged . And honestly , we probably won 't know for weeks until all the snow has melted enough for us to get over there . Okay , maybe not weeks , but probably at least a week . We 'll deal with whatever the damage is . The plow guy saw the gate initially , but when he was pushing snow on the other side of the fence , at some point he was no longer able to see the gate . I was standing in the access doorway while he was plowing and I heard craaaack and I yelled at the plow guy to stop pushing ! I yelled across the expanse of snow " stop ! you 're breaking my fence ! " He apologized and didn 't push up against the mound of snow again . But the damage was already done . Oh well . Until today . We had to take Le Moo to her annual vet appointment , which is about an hour and fifteen minutes away … one way . On the way TO the vet , poor girl was so nervous she puked in the car , so we had to pull over to clean things up . Back in the day when we had Sweet Pea , we always carried a " Puke Kit " when we took her in the car . Water bottle with clean water , a whole roll of paper towels , grocery bags for trash , an extra towel for her crate ( she had a collapsible crate ) if she threw up on the one we had in there , and lots of handi - wipes for us . But in the past , Le Moo didn 't throw up in the car . She would pant and pace and be restless , but no puking . Butthead doesn 't usually throw up , either . The last trip we took to the vet for Le Moo , she threw up in the car . We have no idea why , except that we don 't really take the dogs in the car anymore . We groom them at home , bathe them at home , my parents are close by so we walk to their house when we visit , and we don 't take them to Hub 's parents ' house because they have small dogs and a small house . We don 't go to dog parks and we buy most of our dog food and treats online so we don 't go to Petco or Petsmart . And when we travel ( rarely ) we don 't take them . So we kind of guess that the dogs are out of practice for being in the car . The point being , Le Moo puked in the car today . We accidentally had paper towels in the car , and a large outdoor style trash bag in the back area of the van to protect the floor from dirt from something … And we had handi - wipes . So I cleaned things up , folded up the blanket we put on the floor of the van for the dogs to lay on and jammed the vomit - laden blanket into the big plastic bag . Then we were back on the road . And I went to check on Mom to see how she was doing today , and to retrieve Butthead because she hung out with them while we were gone . And Mom was not only sitting up on the couch , but she had already had a pretty good sized breakfast and was just finishing a very full lunch . She was drinking hot chocolate and told me she was eating everything she could get her hands on . So apparently her appetite is going strong right now . And then she asked me to go retrieve her crochet bag so she could work on the hat in there . So by the time I got home , despite having more to - do things on my list after my short visit with Mom , my head was spinning forward to tomorrow . To my own journey with cancer . I 'm not only anxious about the exam ( the last time I went in to see their PA , the exam was hella uncomfortable … an issue I 'd never had before ) , I 'm anxious about the results . I know they said they would do a pap smear on the cuff area to look for any kind of cancerous cells , but otherwise I don 't know what they 're going to look for or what they might see . The appointment is really only the first piece of the stressful puzzle , because I 'll then be hanging on by a thread waiting for results . I have no idea if I 'll sleep tonight . Not that that is so different from other nights . I guess we 'll see how well I deal with my anxiety tonight . When I go out in the yard with the dogs I almost always grab the cordless phone and the spiral wrist band that holds the keys to the house . Especially in the summer , sometimes I walk to my parents ' house to say hi if I know they are around … so I have to lock the door in case I leave my yard . It 's habit to grab both things and today I am ever so glad to be in that habit . It 's sunny and lovely and I spent twenty minutes on the floor petting the dogs . So I decided to get them outside to try to let Butthead run around for a while . Otherwise she gets really restless and antsy in the house … besides , it 's so pretty out I figured I 'd do some good with a little sunshine and fresh air ( achoo ! ) . So out we go and I grab keys and phone on the way . The dogs go trotting out toward our fence , tails up , heads up , sniffing the air and looking happy to be free . Le Moo wanders only briefly , then finds herself a nice spot and plops down to survey , well , everything . Butthead is more active , so she walks around more , sniffing and looking and stuff . I pet Le Moo for a minute or two , then kick the ball for Butthead … who gives chase and tries to bring it back to me . But it 's almost soccer ball size , so she trips over it more than carries it , and gives up about three quarters of the way back to me . So I talk her into playing with this green foam fake stick thing that we bought so she 'd stop eating all the sticks in our yard . She likes it a lot and will chase it if you throw it . Sometimes she 'll just keep it in her mouth and wait for you to chase her … that 's her favorite game . So I grab the stick out of her mouth and sort of wave it around until she gets worked up , then I throw it . And as I 'm releasing it from my hand , I feel the stretchy coil thingy around my wrist sliding upward , upward … . and OFF MY WRIST . It has about five keys on it ( for various houses and locks ) so it 's a tad heavy . I cover my head with my arms and try to protect myself from being konked on the head or on my face . I vaguely hear the keys jingle as they land and then I drop my hands and look around . Shit , Hub hasn 't mowed the yard in just over a week and we had that horrible rainstorm with 7 ″ of rain over 2 1 / 2 days … the grass is high , ya 'll . The wristband thing is black . I had no idea where the keys landed because I had my head covered and my eyes shut . I 'm sca - rewed . I start pacing along the yard where I had been standing to see if I can find the keys . No luck . And , of course , I suddenly have to pee . Lost keys , house locked , have to pee . Did I also mention that we lock the gates on our yard so no one can get in and / or open the gates and let the dogs out ? Guess where that key is for the gate ? On the wristband . I can 't get out of the backyard . I can 't get into the house . I have to pee . Luckily for me , I have the cordless phone in my pocket . I call my parents ' house and my mom answers . She 's been spending the day doing pre - op preparations ( which means not being too far away from a bathroom ) and can 't leave the house . But she answers the phone and I ask if my brother is home . I figure he can walk over and help me find the keys , but he 's not home yet . I loathe to tell her that I have to pee , so I just ask her to send my father over when she sees him and she says she will , then hangs up . So I 'm pacing the yard like those police recruits do when they 're searching for evidence . Straight line , from one end of the area to the other , turn and double - back . Nothing . Dogs are now panting and looking at me like it 's time to go inside . My bladder is definitely telling me it 's time to go inside . Then I spot my dad heading up my driveway and I go to the gate to wave … My keys ( and wristband ) are sitting about six feet on the other side of the gate . The locked gate that I can 't get out of because the key is on my wristband … on the other side of the gate . How the hell the keys flew up in the air and at least ten feet away ( I was not standing that close to the gate when the keys flew off my wrist ) I have no idea . I point at the keys and my father scoops them up for me and hands them over ( he 's also carrying the spare key to my house in his other hand , just in case we couldn 't find my keys ) . I explain ( with gesticulations ) what happened and he laughs . We talk briefly about how Mom is doing with her pre - op prep , then he tells me about some TV show he was watching when I called ( detection dogs in Russia ? ) . We confirm timing for the morning to leave for the hospital , then he walks off with a wave . Last Saturday morning ( roughly 9am ) , I was reaching down to brush Le Moo and ZZZIIIIIPPP the muscle along the top of my right shoulder that connects to my neck decided FUCK NO YOU WON ' T ! I spent the remainder of the day in ranging levels of discomfort , from OH SHIT to OW OW OW . I had trouble sleeping that night and couldn 't turn my head to the right hardly at all , and turning to the left brought enough unhappiness that I pretty much stopped doing that , too . I was barely hanging on to hope that I 'd be able to see E on Monday and she 'd work on the muscle and make the pain go away . Started early Monday morning and continued through the day . By 10am I received an email stating that the PT office was closed and I was shit out of luck . I had already heard that this week was booked tight , so I was really thinking I wouldn 't be seeing E at all since I only had one appointment this week . So Tuesday morning - after another hours of spasms the night before that made my head twitch and another rough sleep - I called the PT office first thing in the morning . It was barely ten minutes after they opened and I was itching to get in contact . Luckily for me , they were able to fit me in before lunch that day , and I went in for my appointment . E worked on the muscle and told me she could feel the spasm . When she was done , I had some relief , but by the time the afternoon rolled around , I was in pain all over again . Every movement I made felt like I was jarring my neck and shoulders against a brick wall . And last night I had a repeat of the twitchy - spasms for several hours . I wanted to cry because I felt like all the work E did had made no difference . Sleeping was uncomfortable and restless . Then this morning I woke up and thought … ah , it 's okay ! E really DID make it all better . Well , not ALL better , but waaaay better . I was able to move around without that jarring pain , even though I still felt tender . And as the day went on , I felt more and more relaxed and able to move my head more . Day went by , things are still good . Dinner , no problem . Came upstairs and did some stuff in the laundry room , all was fine . Then I picked up a step - stool that belonged in the pantry downstairs , so I carried it to the steps and asked Hub to reach up to grab it from me so it could go back to it 's storage place . However , his reach wasn 't as long as I expected and as I extended my arm ( without thinking , of course ) so he could take it … . zzzzzzzzzziiiiiiipppppppp . The same fucking muscle seized up and I literally yelped out loud . By this time he had the step - stool in hand and I yanked my arm back over the banister . I leaned over and put my forehead on the railing and I cried . Hub came rushing upstairs to see if he could help me , but I don 't think there is anything that can be done . I 've got my shoulder down and am continuing to try to stretch the shoulder and neck muscle , but I feel it so tight , waiting to snap short again . I didn 't ride the bike last night because the pain was so bad , and now I can 't ride again tonight . And I go to the orthopedic doctor tomorrow to talk about my knees … I have no idea if I 'm going to be able to drive ( let alone sleep tonight ) . I 'm not even sure I can go shower and wash my freaking hair … and shaving my legs ? Not going to happen , sorry for the stubby / hairy legs , doctor . |
Exhausted tonight . It 's been a busy couple of days with the family here . But there is no rest for the hospitalized . Doctors start rounds at 0500 , and patients get woken up . Derek was sleepy and cranky this morning . Not as cranky as Friday morning when a new nurse who was not familiar with him walked him . I had briefed her before she went in as to how Derek liked things done . She didn 't listen . She is on orientation and is working with an experienced nurse , but some things the orientees do alone . Several of the orientees are wonderful . We gladly work with them . Others ? No . This one on Friday morning was one of the " No 's . " Derek had acupuncture a few days ago , and the woman inserted the needles and left . As in left the hospital . . . . went home . The needles were only supposed to stay in 20 minutes . After an hour , Derek called for help removing them . This all occurred after we left for the evening . I have been waiting for her for a couple of days . I cannot wait to have a little conversation . The phantom pain has gotten a lot worse . Derek explains it as when " imaginary limbs try to hurt you . " The docs increased his medication to try to combat . The narcotics were increased temporarily over the weekend to allow the new meds to work . They have been reduced now . Last Tuesday , urology came in late to schedule a procedure the next day . We said no . Friday came around and we still did not know whether they were going to do it Monday or Tuesday , so I tried to find out . A very nice doctor from urology came up and gave us the choice . Tuesday it was . But . . . . now it is not . The procedure was to change the SP tube ( catheter from outside of abdomen into bladder ) . They like to change it every 30 days , but it can be stretched a couple of weeks if necessary . 30 days expired on Friday . Sunday , Derek started clamping trials . He 's a big boy now ! He passed his standardized test for peeing ! Go , Derek ! Sunday , they were not happy with the results , but today he did great . So , the procedure is stalled a couple of days to see if it can be removed completely . One less tube . As Dr . West says , " less of a patient , more of a person . " And it was such a busy day today . Derek started the Matc officially . A good PT workout is always good for what ails you ! Go , Derek ! ! And I gave blood for the Army / Navy challenge . Go , Army ! Dr . Diego walked by when Krystina and I were visiting with Lisa , Sgt Archie and Laura Lee . Also with us was a friend of mine from Boston - Caitlin ! I told the group that Dr . Diego had yelled at me a couple of weeks ago . He smiled bright and said , " Yep . I did . " I think I took him down a few notches when I said , " But who was right ? " Yep , still part of the Residents ' Self Esteem Initiative . He tried to walk away , but I was blocking him . " I 'm trying to leave but she won 't let me go ! " We do love Dr . D . He is wonderful , even if he is not Bograd . The picture is Dr . D . He is holding a bookmark we gave him . I am giving him devil ears , but his head is too big and covered my pinkie ! He was yelling at me a couple of weeks ago over Derek 's phosphate level and the fact that Derek did not want to take the phosphate binder because it was making him sick . We have controlled it with diet . So tonight , Dr . D walked in , looked at Derek 's dinner , and proclaimed , " Wow . Look at that big plate of phosphate ! " Brat . He really wouldn 't be happy with Derek if he knew what Derek wanted for dessert ! I went out to dinner with a friend of mine , and Derek asked his night corpsman for two pieces of apple pie . When Krystina objected , he said , " Mommy said I could have one . " Yes , I did . As a treat for Thanksgiving when his phosphate level was in the mid - 4 's . Today it had pumped up to 6 . 2 . No apple pie . He finally agreed with Krystina , but then he hid his hand from her and showed Garay two fingers . Krystina was onto him . While sitting with Sgt Archie and Laura Lee , one of the corpsmen came over and joined us . This is the corpsman with whom I wrestle on a regular basis . He is a pest , and he likes to tease everyone . He was sitting on the ground and grabbed my wrist . I put him in a headlock , and we proceeded to wrestle . I called out , " Help me , Archie ! " If Lisa had let go of Archie 's leash , Brat the Corpsman would have been no more . My hero , Archie ! To hear the story from Derek 's own mouth , he has started a video blog . It is on youtube under ACauseWorthFighting4 . Here is a link to his latest . http : / / youtu . be / z2o8F3F5OuE After the upsetting day yesterday , Derek read my entry entitled " Tears Don 't Grow Legs . " His only comment was that I didn 't end it with " Climb to glory ! " He must have agreed with everything else I said . Love you , Derek ! So , since Derek likes this closing - Climb to glory ! Today , Derek , Krystina and I were discussing Derek 's attitude . He told us , " Tears don 't grow legs . " He is such an inspiration to me , and for those who walked away from him and hurt him , all I can say is it is your loss . Yes , people are so cruel in this life as to walk away when someone they claim to love really needs them . Wives and parents have walked out on wounded warriors , leaving them alone in the hospital . Unfortunately , Derek is no stranger to abandonment . I have not really addressed this before , but given recent events , I feel the need to state my peace . Twelve years ago , when my children were 2 , 5 , 5 , 9 and 10 , their father walked out . I begged him to stay in their lives , but he told me , " It 's not a good time for me . " A couple of times after he legally and voluntarily ( against my objections ) terminated his right to visit with them , he did try to come back , but he never did what the court order told him he had to do , so the court denied his requests . Once again , it was his way and not the right way , the way that would have been best for the children . Over the last 12 years , child support was his way , not the way the court ordered . I had to chase him many times , and eventually he took off to another state and refused to tell me or the court where he was . He owes me about $ 175 , 000 . There was no contact between the children and their father for years . In addition , although I tried to keep his parents in the children 's lives , they , too , walked away . They all blame me for the lack of a relationship , but a court would have enforced the relationship . However , that would not have been necessary for his parents . They had my phone number and address and they could have contacted them at any time . I did send back one birthday card that was received from his parents , because Derek was about 12 or 13 at the time , looked at the return address , and handed it back to me . He told me to send it back and tell them he wanted grandparents , not a birthday card . I did as Derek requested . They never tried again . They did not call . They did not write . In addition , a couple of years ago , his mother added my children on facebook , with my consent . She could have contacted them without any interference from me . She did in the very beginning , and then went back to ignoring them . My children did not grow up in a household with me vilifying their father or his parents . I did not talk about him . They never heard the story about what happened between us , even to this day . They did not hear me speak ill of him . When Derek was 18 , his father reached out for him , in violation of the court order . The court order stated that when the children were emancipated , they could contact him . Derek was not emancipated , and his father contacted him , not the other way . But I did not object and let it be Derek 's choice . When Derek told me he was going to live with his father for six months to a year , so he could work with him and get to know him , I told him the door was always open . After two months , he ran back home because he could not stand living with him another minute . He also could not stand to hear his father rip me apart . Before Derek deployed , he told Krystina that if anything ever happened to him , she was to simply advise his father . He did not list his father as a point of contact for the Army to contact directly . That speaks volumes . After the injury , his father showed up at the hospital . I could have used the court order to limit his contact . I didn 't . I could have used the court order to keep my other children away from him . I didn 't . The children are now 17 , 17 and 14 . I gave them the option . We all went out to dinner . I kept it civil . His father did not . There were numerous issues with the doctors and his father trying to assert influence over the medical care . I 'm sorry . I am POA . I raised this brave soldier . Where were you ? Right , living your own life . A minor issue , but one that shows his character is that he promised me he would get a debit card for his daily allowance and give it to me to help support the kids , especially after we went to dinner and he saw how much they eat . When finance came in with the paperwork , instead of a debit card , he applied for direct deposit . He did give me a few dollars to help with the kids one time when he was here , but he refused to give me a pay stub so that we could calculate the right amount of child support and he refused to sign a Consent Order to rectify the child support account . Once again , it was going to be his way , what he felt like paying , not what the kids needed . I offered to give him credit towards the arrears for any payment he could prove to me that he made , but miraculously , the proof was lost . The first few days that they were here , when Derek was still on precedex and not fully conscious , Derek 's father , his parents and his brother started a campaign to convince Krystina to leave . His brother told Krystina Derek would never walk again and would be forever confined to a wheelchair . I cannot wait to post pictures of Derek walking . They told Krystina that she was too young to deal with all of this . Remember , this was the first they had met her . They did not know her at all . They told her that no one would think less of her if she left . Derek would . Derek would have been heartbroken . They didn 't care . Derek was still in a semi - conscious state , and they were trying to convince the woman that he loved , the one person who will be his biggest inspiration to get better , to walk away . The nurses in both the ICU and on the floor have told me that Krystina shows more maturity and steadfastness than some of the older wives who they have seen . They think Derek is one of the luckiest wounded warriors because he has a woman who is supporting him 100 % . I wish Derek 's father , uncle and grandparents had thought the same and not hurt her so much . Krystina kept quiet for three days about the pressure . She finally asked me to get him to back off . I did . I exploded in front of Building 10 . He tried to convince Krystina that I wanted her to leave too , and that I had said so . Not only is this not true , but even if I had , I 've known her four and a half years . I think I have a different standing than people who met her the first time and had not even been involved in Derek 's life . During the fight , I pulled no punches . I was tired of hearing him say that Derek was just like him , and he would have been a hero just like Derek . I told him if Derek was like him , he would not be lying in that bed , because he would have run away like a coward , just like his father did . I do not care if it was a low blow . DO NOT hurt one of my kids . Krystina is my daughter - by - choice . After the the fight , they all left . He said he was coming back two weeks later . When I mentioned this to Derek , in front of a respiratory therapist and one of the ICU nurses , he shook his head no . He could not speak at the time , because he was ventilated , but he got the message across that he did not want his father here . I told him not to make any rash decisions , and to really think about that . I told him we would talk about it in a couple of days . I didn 't talk to him about it , because I didn 't want anyone in the hospital to think that I influenced him . I do not care what the out - laws think . They blame me for everything anyway . Why would they ever take responsibility for their own bad decisions ? I sent Dr . West in to speak with him , and the result was a multidisciplinary meeting on the floor to set limits for the visit in accordance with Derek 's wishes . I told the doctors and the ICU team that I didn 't care what happened , and that I only wanted what was best for Derek . This is charted . His visit was limited , and he took a nice Army paid vacation in DC . He did not stay the times that he was permitted to stay . He limited himself even more . He did the same thing two weeks after that . I told him he could come to the hospital up until 9 p . m . , because that was when Derek went to sleep . He arrived at his hotel at 7 p . m . , and did not bother to come . He told me the first week of Derek 's injury that thousands of dollars were raised for Derek by his place of employment . I gave him the name and address of the fund that had been established for Derek and asked him to forward them there . He asked me if I would mind if his parents had their travel expenses paid from the fund , and I said absolutely not . I told him to send me the bills and I would reimburse them . When I followed up on whether the funds were forwarded , he told me they set up their own account . No . Not a good idea . Why should Derek have to access more than one account ? I asked him who had access to the funds , and why he wouldn 't simply forward Derek 's money to him . He changed his story and said family and friends had donated money for his and his parents travel expenses . If that was the case , he did not need to be on orders . Derek had already told me he wanted to cancel his orders and put Krystina on orders . I tried to talk to him about it to avoid Derek having to do it , but he refused . Derek cancelled his orders , and he did not visit again . He told me that he would be back when Derek could speak for himself . Derek WAS speaking for himself when he said he wanted limited time . Also , after his orders were cancelled , he asked me if he could see Derek , and I told him what Derek had said about one day . Derek had been very sick that week and was moving from ICU to the ward , and he didn 't want to be bombarded . Derek didn 't even want Krystina and I in the room the entire time . He was just too sick . I explained this to him , and said he could come . How is this my fault ? He did not contact Derek via facebook . He did not send him a birthday card . He did not try to call him . For over two months , Derek did not hear from this " man . " Finally , this past weekend , after two months of no contact , he reached out to Derek with all sorts of excuses and blaming me . He wanted to come for HIS birthday , even though he ignored Derek 's birthday . Derek told him not to come . Why would Derek let this man back into his life after abandoning him numerous times ? After hurting his fiancee ? After all that has happened ? I told him back in August , that if he is serious and if he really changed , he needed to prove it . Actions speak louder than words . He needed to start paying child support and start meeting his responsibilities . He promised he would . He gave me money one time . He has not sent anything else , but he showed up here with what looked like a brand new iPad and was promising to but Derek all sorts of expensive gifts . The one - upmanship was sickening . Derek also told us he has a lot of creature comforts and man toys . That 's wonderful for him , but his children grew up in a single parent , single income household with very few vacations , Pay Less shoes and K mart clothing because that was what their mother could afford without child support . If not for my mother , we would have been on the street , eating at soup kitchens . I am not exaggerating . I simply did not earn enough to support five children on my own and their father was the classic dead beat dad . It has been almost two years since he has paid child support , except for the one payment mentioned above , and before that , he paid $ 200 to $ 300 per month , not the court ordered $ 600 per week . I have not gotten into the history in this blog , because this is really about Derek 's journey , but now it seems prudent to set forth certain things , especially since it is interfering with Derek 's journey . I 've received emails and been attacked in my guestbook by people who have only listened to his lies , his sob story . I took the high road and did not respond , but when I saw how upset Derek was today after more of his lies and excuses , I felt the need to address it . Hopefully , he will read this and stop hurting Derek who has already been through so much . This is not about him , but he is too selfish to realize that , so maybe by putting this in writing , he will realize it . Derek said , " Tears don 't grow legs . " Tears also do not mend burned bridges . Tears and excuses do not make up for years of abandonment . No more excuses . Either man up and accept that you have ruined this relationship beyond repair or live in resentment and blame me . I really do not care as long as he stops hurting my son . I was not the perfect wife . I made mistakes . I have not been the perfect mother . But unlike their father , I have been there . I have accepted responsibility for my own shortcomings . I do not blame him for my choices and my mistakes . I did not keep him away . He voluntarily terminated his visits with his children , and the court set up a series of steps for him to come back . He never did it . I did not say he could not come to Bethesda . Derek set limitations on his visits , and Derek cancelled his orders . He reacted like a spoiled child and refused to come back , once again blaming me . I 'm sorry , but some things cannot be repaired . Derek needed the love and support of his entire family , but one half walked out once again . There is no repairing that . Derek saw them walk away . Derek heard from Krystina how much they attacked her . He has not heard my story , and I will not get into all of that because the past is the past and " tears do not grow legs . " Whining about what happened and placing blame does not fix things . The out - laws were given an opportunity to be there for Derek during this recovery , and they elected to run away . . . . again . They elected to blame me . . . . again . I didn 't know I was that powerful . I didn 't know I could control a military hospital . . . . an entire facility . I did not know that I controlled facebook and the phone lines . Wow , I must be a really powerful bitch . My sister and brother - in - law came down for the Thanksgiving holiday with their three children . The kids had not seen Derek since before he deployed in March . There was no concern over Joey , who is 16 , but there were concerns over how AJ and Eric would handle seeing Derek . AJ is 10 and Eric is 12 . It went beautifully . AJ was attached to Derek 's side for the four days that they were here . He begged his mother to stay longer . Today , he turned to me and said , " Derek is still Derek , even without legs . He 's just shorter . " Kids are resilient . They see the world different than adults , and they adjust faster . Also , things that seem life ending to us , are nothing to them . We should give them more credit and stop the wimpification of our youth with this " everyone must win " way of thinking and protecting their self esteem at all costs . The world is hard . They need to learn it when they are young and resilient . An insensitive clod said to my friend 's daughter about her father who is a double amputee and simply awesome , " When your Daddy returns to normal , " and she responded , " My Daddy IS normal . " It 's this resiliency that helps them adapt to this new normal . I have often said " we have our Derek back , " but what does that mean ? Who is Derek ? I have stated his funny little daily comments in here previously , and his days living in delusion due to medications are previously documented ; however , Derek probably didn 't need the drugs to make him say cooky things . I am not going to repeat all of the things previously said , I hope . If I do , I apologize . Derek is the kid who got through high school on his personality alone . He certainly never cracked a book . He walked the halls in the beginning of the year with a backpack containing a notebook and a pen . By the end of the year , he was down to an empty backpack . He passed classes based on his smile , not his wealth of knowledge . One teacher wrote to me after this event in July 2011 changed our lives and said that she assigned a research paper on a media personality who had an impact on the world . She wanted the students to pick a politician . Derek convinced her that an MMA fighter was a perfect choice . Ryan , my 17 yr old , has a hole in his chest . It is an indentation in the middle of his chest where it is actually sunken in . We had it checked by a doctor , and since there are no health risks associated with it and it is simply cosmetic , the doctors do not recommend corrective surgery , because the surgery is life threatening . Anyway , Ryan awoke one morning to Derek pouring cereal into the hole and telling him to lie still while he got the milk . Derek proceeded to eat cereal out of Ryan 's chest hole . When a kid who was fighting with one of my other children threatened me , he came out of his room with a baseball bat . Not wanting him to do anything that might affect his future , since it was his 21st birthday , I refused to tell him where the kid lived . He snuck out and had my son Ryan show him where the kid lived . He marched the kid about a quarter mile back to my house to make him apologize to me . When my daughter Kellina was in the backyard with a boy , he stood at the window upstairs with a huge knife . He sliced it across his throat and pointed at the boy . Then he took a large teddy bear , stuck the knife in its head , tied a rope around its neck and lowered it from the window with a sign that said , " You if you hurt her . " In our former house , we had a pool in the backyard . He dragged Krystina out onto the cover in the winter and forced her to " skate " on the ice . Krystina and I went to Fort Drum to visit with Derek . I asked him if there was a gas station on or close to base , because I was very low . He told me " yes " that we would pass it . He then tried to hand me a $ 20 bill . I told him to hold it until we got to the station . He sat back and stayed quiet all the way back to the hotel . When I got there I asked him where that station was , and he said it was when he was handing me the money . Really ? I was supposed to read his mind ? Also , while we were at Fort Drum , he told us he wanted to go to the Syracuse Mall on Saturday , which is an hour from Drum . He also said that on Sunday , we were attending church with his platoon . While we were at the Mall , he said the church was near the mall . I told him he should have told me that in the morning , because we would have checked out of the hotel and stayed in Syracuse for the night instead of driving from Drum to Syracuse to Drum to Syracuse to Drum and then to Jersey ( which is past Syracuse ) all in two days time ! His response ? " We have a communication problem . " Yeah ! You don 't communicate ! Derek wants to live his life in a ranch style house , with an underground living space furnished with guns and a stockpile of food . He and Krystina will be extreme couponers . There will be a farm in back where they will milk their own cows and have their own chickens . The house will also be completely green and self sufficient with a well and its own energy source , such as solar panels . This is all in preparation for the zombie apocalypse . Derek has an awesome sense of humor that is helping him adjust to his new normal . He has his moments when he is overwhelmed thinking about the future and what he plans to do with his life . Today , he was having a moment thinking about all of the dreams that were dead , but then he turned around and said he wanted to own a pawn , antique and oddities shop . Derek has the resiliency , innocence and sense of humor of a child . He will do fine . And AJ put it best . Derek is Derek , only shorter . People have said to Derek they do not know how he managed to snag Krystina , because she is so obviously out of his league . These comments about Krystina are meant as a total compliment . Derek 's response today was , " I 'm the luckiest cripple in the world . " Derek IS lucky . He has a woman who is standing beside him no matter what . She quit her job and put her schooling on hold in order to leave her family and everything she knows to come down here and stay with Derek and help him heal . She stood up to people who wanted to chase her away and were trying to convince her that this was not the life she wanted and should just walk away . Until Derek asked her if she was on orders , she did not think about it . Money and getting her expenses paid were not her concern . She only thought about being here for Derek . She was willing to use her savings to support herself . That 's love . When Krystina first came , she was not on orders , so she received no benefit from the Army and was not even entitled to lodging so she stayed with me . Not being on orders does not mean you cannot come . Anyone can visit as long as the wounded warrior has not placed a restriction on visitors or the medical staff and / or individual with Power of Attorney in consultation with the medical staff has not placed restrictions . Derek has placed restrictions , but I have not . When a service member is injured , the branch of service will provide a room and a daily allowance for expenses to three members of the wounded warrior 's family . The daily allowance is sufficient to cover some basic expenses but not everything you need while here , and it certainly does not make up for loss of income from regular employment . But for someone like Krystina , she came here purely out of love since she was not on orders . So many girlfriends , fiancees , aunts , uncles , grandparents sacrifice everything to be here . Some of them would be the ones chosen by the wounded warrior if he had a say . Krystina could not be on orders because they were not legally married and Derek was unconscious when first injured , so he could not indicate which three people he wanted on orders . Also , even though I tried as Derek 's POA , I could not be place her on orders without Derek 's permission . It had to be a legal family member over the age of 18 . A friend of mine and I had discussed this problem because not only did this effect Derek , but it effected her family as well . We also know of several other families who were placed in similar situations . Hopefully , this is changing thanks to my friend 's big mouth . Had an injury card been given to Derek , he would have selected Krystina to be on orders . It would have been done in the beginning . Derek should not have had to made the decision to change the orders while he was supposed to be concentrating on getting well . The three on orders should have been his choice from the beginning . I told him it was no big deal , because she was staying with me , but it was important to Derek . Derek was caused additional stress because the woman he loves was not on orders , and there was even more stress when he realized that he could not rectify it immediately , because of the medications and injuries . He first had to be evaluated to determine if he was competent . Once the doctors determined that he was competent to make the decision himself and that no one was forcing or coercing him into making the decision , it was done . But weeks had passed and Derek was caused stress that never should have been . |
Update : As promised , I 'm updating this to include [ Tom Junod 's response ] [ Junod Response ] . He notes that the profile is available in the Esquire collection of profiles entitled " Great Men " at Byliner . At $ 3 . 99 it appears to be a fantastic deal . I 'll be purchasing , and I hope you will , too . If he asks me to remove the text below , I 'll be doing so , but I hope he 'll let us continue to read it here as well . * I 've reproduced it from the site I originally found it on here in its entirety for easy reading . I 've asked him for a place to link to the article . I was unable to find a copy on the Esquire site , but original links to my source articles are here : 1 ONCE UPON A TIME , a little boy loved a stuffed animal whose name was Old Rabbit . It was so old , in fact , that it was really an unstuffed animal ; so old that even back then , with the little boy 's brain still nice and fresh , he had no memory of it as " Young Rabbit , " or even " Rabbit " ; so old that Old Rabbit was barely a rabbit at all but rather a greasy hunk of skin without eyes and ears , with a single red stitch where its tongue used to be . The little boy didn 't know why he loved Old Rabbit ; he just did , and the night he threw it out the car window was the night he learned how to pray . He would grow up to become a great prayer , this little boy , but only intermittently , only fitfully , praying only when fear and desperation drove him to it , and the night he threw Old Rabbit into the darkness was the night that set the pattern , the night that taught him how . He prayed for Old Rabbit 's safe return , and when , hours later , his mother and father came home with the filthy , precious strip of rabbity roadkill , he learned not only that prayers are sometimes answered but also the kind of severe effort they entail , the kind of endless frantic summoning . And so when he threw Old Rabbit out the car window the next time , it was gone for good . YOU WERE A CHILD ONCE , TOO . That 's what Mister Rogers said , that 's what he wrote down , once upon a time , for the doctors . The doctors were ophthalmologists . An ophthalmologist is a doctor who takes care of the eyes . Sometimes , ophthalmologists have to take care of the eyes of children , and some children get very scared , because children know that their world disappears when their eyes close , and they can be afraid that the ophthalmologists will make their eyes close forever . The ophthalmologists did not want to scare children , so they asked Mister Rogers for help , and Mister Rogers agreed to write a chapter for a book the ophthalmologists were putting together - a chapter about what other ophthalmologists could do to calm the children who came to their offices . Because Mister Rogers is such a busy man , however , he could not write the chapter himself , and he asked a woman who worked for him to write it instead . She worked very hard at writing the chapter , until one day she showed what she had written to Mister Rogers , who read it and crossed it all out and wrote a sentence addressed directly to the doctors who would be reading it : " You were a child once , too . " THE OLD NAVY - BLUE SPORT JACKET comes off first , then the dress shoes , except that now there is not the famous sweater or the famous sneakers to replace them , and so after the shoes he 's on to the dark socks , peeling them off and showing the blanched skin of his narrow feet . The tie is next , the scanty black batwing of a bow tie hand - tied at his slender throat , and then the shirt , always white or light blue , whisked from his body button by button . He wears an undershirt , of course , but no matter - soon that 's gone , too , as is the belt , as are the beige trousers , until his undershorts stand as the last impediment to his nakedness . They are boxers , egg - colored , and to rid himself of them he bends at the waist , and stands on one leg , and hops , and lifts one knee toward his chest and then the other and then … Mister Rogers has no clothes on . ONCE UPON A TIME , a long time ago , a man took off his jacket and put on a sweater . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of sneakers . His name was Fred Rogers . He was starting a television program , aimed at children , called Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . He had been on television before , but only as the voices and movements of puppets , on a program called The Children 's Corner . Now he was stepping in front of the camera as Mister Rogers , and he wanted to do things right , and whatever he did right , he wanted to repeat . And so , once upon a time , Fred Rogers took off his jacket and put on a sweater his mother had made him , a cardigan with a zipper . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of navy - blue canvas boating sneakers . He did the same thing the next day , and then the next … until he had done the same things , those things , 865 times , at the beginning of 865 television programs , over a span of thirty - one years . The first time I met Mister Rogers , he told me a story of how deeply his simple gestures had been felt , and received . He had just come back from visiting Koko , the gorilla who has learned - or who has been taught - American Sign Language . Koko watches television . Koko watches Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood , and when Mister Rogers , in his sweater and sneakers , entered the place where she lives , Koko immediately folded him in her long , black arms , as though he were a child , and then … " She took my shoes off , Tom , " Mister Rogers said . Koko was much bigger than Mister Rogers . She weighed 280 pounds , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 . Koko weighed 280 pounds because she is a gorilla , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 pounds because he has weighed 143 pounds as long as he has been Mister Rogers , because once upon a time , around thirty - one years ago , Mister Rogers stepped on a scale , and the scale told him that Mister Rogers weighs 143 pounds . No , not that he weighed 143 pounds , but that he weighs 143 pounds … . And so , every day , Mister Rogers refuses to do anything that would make his weight change - he neither drinks , nor smokes , nor eats flesh of any kind , nor goes to bed late at night , nor sleeps late in the morning , nor even watches television - and every morning , when he swims , he steps on a scale in his bathing suit and his bathing cap and his goggles , and the scale tells him that he weighs 143 pounds . This has happened so many times that Mister Rogers has come to see that number as a gift , as a destiny fulfilled , because , as he says , " the number 143 means ' I love you . ' It takes one letter to say ' I ' and four letters to say ' love ' and three letters to say ' you . ' One hundred and forty - three . ' I love you . ' Isn 't that wonderful ? " THE FIRST TIME I CALLED MISTER ROGERS on the telephone , I woke him up from his nap . He takes a nap every day in the late afternoon - just as he wakes up every morning at five - thirty to read and study and write and pray for the legions who have requested his prayers ; just as he goes to bed at nine - thirty at night and sleeps eight hours without interruption . On this afternoon , the end of a hot , yellow day in New York City , he was very tired , and when I asked if I could go to his apartment and see him , he paused for a moment and said shyly , " Well , Tom , I 'm in my bathrobe , if you don 't mind . " I told him I didn 't mind , and when , five minutes later , I took the elevator to his floor , well , sure enough , there was Mister Rogers , silver - haired , standing in the golden door at the end of the hallway and wearing eyeglasses and suede moccasins with rawhide laces and a flimsy old blue - and - yellow bathrobe that revealed whatever part of his skinny white calves his dark - blue dress socks didn 't hide . " Welcome , Tom , " he said with a slight bow , and bade me follow him inside , where he lay down - no , stretched out , as though he had known me all his life - on a couch upholstered with gold velveteen . He rested his head on a small pillow and kept his eyes closed while he explained that he had bought the apartment thirty years before for $ 11 , 000 and kept it for whenever he came to New York on business for the Neighborhood . I sat in an old armchair and looked around . The place was drab and dim , with the smell of stalled air and a stain of daguerreotype sunlight on its closed , slatted blinds , and Mister Rogers looked so at home in its gloomy familiarity that I thought he was going to fall back asleep when suddenly the phone rang , startling him . " Oh , hello , my dear , " he said when he picked it up , and then he said that he had a visitor , someone who wanted to learn more about the Neighborhood . " Would you like to speak to him ? " he asked , and then handed me the phone . " It 's Joanne , " he said . I took the phone and spok " Special friends ? " " Yes , " he said . " Maybe a puppet , or a special toy , or maybe just a stuffed animal you loved very much . Did you have a special friend like that , Tom ? " " Old Rabbit . Oh , and I 'll bet the two of you were together since he was a very young rabbit . Would you like to tell me about Old Rabbit , Tom ? " And it was just about then , when I was spilling the beans about my special friend , that Mister Rogers rose from his corner of the couch and stood suddenly in front of me with a small black camera in hand . " Can I take your picture , Tom ? " he asked . " I 'd like to take your picture . I like to take pictures of all my new friends , so that I can show them to Joanne … . " And then , in the dark room , there was a wallop of white light , and Mister Rogers disappeared behind it . ONCE UPON A TIME , there was a boy who didn 't like himself very much . It was not his fault . He was born with cerebral palsy . Cerebral palsy is something that happens to the brain . It means that you can think but sometimes can 't walk , or even talk . This boy had a very bad case of cerebral palsy , and when he was still a little boy , some of the people entrusted to take care of him took advantage of him instead and did things to him that made him think that he was a very bad little boy , because only a bad little boy would have to live with the things he had to live with . In fact , when the little boy grew up to be a teenager , he would get so mad at himself that he would hit himself , hard , with his own fists and tell his mother , on the computer he used for a mouth , that he didn 't want to live anymore , for he was sure that God didn 't like what was inside him any more than he did . He had always loved Mister Rogers , though , and now , even when he was fourteen years old , he watched the Neighborhood whenever it was on , and the boy 's mother sometimes thought that Mister Rogers was keeping her son alive . She and the boy lived together in a city in California , and although she wanted very much for her son to meet Mister Rogers , she knew that he was far too disabled to travel all the way to Pittsburgh , so she figured he would never meet his hero , until one day she learned through a special foundation designed to help children like her son that Mister Rogers was coming to California and that after he visited the gorilla named Koko , he was coming to meet her son . At first , the boy was made very nervous by the thought that Mister Rogers was visiting him . He was so nervous , in fact , that when Mister Rogers did visit , he got mad at himself and began hating himself and hitting himself , and his mother had to take him to another room and talk to him . Mister Rogers didn 't leave , though . He wanted something from the boy , and Mister Rogers never leaves when he wants something from somebody . He just waited patiently , and when the boy came back , Mister Rogers talked to him , and then he made his request . He said , " I would like you to do something for me . Would you do something for me ? " On his computer , the boy answered yes , of course , he would do anything for Mister Rogers , so then Mister Rogers said , " I would like you to pray for me . Will you pray for me ? " And now the boy didn 't know how to respond . He was thunderstruck . Thunderstruck means that you can 't talk , because something has happened that 's as sudden and as miraculous and maybe as scary as a bolt of lightning , and all you can do is listen to the rumble . The boy was thunderstruck because nobody had ever asked him for something like that , ever . The boy had always been prayed for . The boy had always been the object of prayer , and now he was being asked to pray for Mister Rogers , and although at first he didn 't know if he could do it , he said he would , he said he 'd try , and ever since then he keeps Mister Rogers in his prayers and doesn 't talk about wanting to die anymore , because he figures Mister Rogers is close to God , and if Mister Rogers likes him , that must mean God likes him , too . As for Mister Rogers himself … well , he doesn 't look at the story in the same way that the boy did or that I did . In fact , when Mister Rogers first told me the story , I complimented him on being so smart - for knowing that asking the boy for his prayers would make the boy feel better about himself - and Mister Rogers responded by looking at me at first with puzzlement and then with surprise . " Oh , heavens no , Tom ! I didn 't ask him for his prayers for him ; I asked for me . I asked him because I think that anyone who has gone through challenges like that must be very close to God . I asked him because I wanted his intercession . " ON DECEMBER 1 , 1997 - oh , heck , once upon a time - a boy , no longer little , told his friends to watch out , that he was going to do something " really big " the next day at school , and the next day at school he took his gun and his ammo and his earplugs and shot eight classmates who had clustered for a prayer meeting . Three died , and they were still children , almost . The shootings took place in West Paducah , Kentucky , and when Mister Rogers heard about them , he said , " Oh , wouldn 't the world be a different place if he had said , ' I 'm going to do something really little tomorrow , ' " and he decided to dedicate a week of the Neighborhood to the theme " Little and Big . " He wanted to tell children that what starts out little can sometimes become big , and so that could devote themselves to little dreams without feeling bad about them . But how could Mister Rogers show little becoming big , and vice versa ? That was a challenge . He couldn 't just say it , the way he could always just say to the children who watch his program that they are special to him , or even sing it , the way he would always sing " It 's You I Like " and " Everybody 's Fancy " and " It 's Such a Good Feeling " and " Many Ways to Say I Love You " and " Sometimes People Are Good . " No , he had to show it , he had to demonstrate it , and that 's how Mister Rogers and the people who work for him eventually got the idea of coming to New York City to visit a woman named Maya Lin . Maya Lin is a famous architect . Architects are people who create big things from the little designs they draw on pieces of paper . Most famous architects are famous for creating big famous buildings , but Maya Lin is more famous for creating big fancy things for people to look at , and in fact , when Mister Rogers had gone to her studio the day before , he looked at the pictures she had drawn of the clock that is now on the ceiling of a place in New York called Penn Station . A clock is a machine that tells people what time it is , but as Mister Rogers sat in the backseat of an old station wagon hired to take him from his apartment to Penn Station , he worried that Maya Lin 's clock might be too fancy and that the children who watch the Neighborhood might not understand it . Mister Rogers always worries about things like that , because he always worries about children , and when his station wagon stopped in traffic next to a bus stop , he read aloud the advertisement of an airline trying to push its international service . " Hmmm , " Mister Rogers said , " that 's a strange ad . ' Most people think of us as a great domestic airline . We hate that . ' Hmmm . Hate is such a strong word to use so lightly . If they can hate something like that , you wonder how easy it would be for them to hate something more important . " He was with his producer , Margy Whitmer . He had makeup on his face and a dollop of black dye combed into his silver hair . He was wearing beige pants , a blue dress shirt , a tie , dark socks , a pair of dark - blue boating sneakers , and a purple , zippered cardigan . He looked very little in the backseat of the car . Then the car stopped on Thirty - fourth Street , in front of the escalators leading down to the station , and when the doors opened - - he turned into Mister F * * * Rogers . This was not a bad thing , however , because he was in New York , and in New York it 's not an insult to be called Mister * * Anything . In fact , it 's an honorific . An honorific is what people call you when they respect you , and the moment Mister Rogers got out of the car , people wouldn 't stay away from him , they respected him so much . Oh , Margy Whitmer tried to keep people away from him , tried to tell people that if they gave her their names and addresses , Mister Rogers would send them an autographed picture , but every time she turned around , there was Mister Rogers putting his arms around someone , or wiping the tears off someone 's cheek , or passing around the picture of someone 's child , or getting on his knees to talk to a child . Margy couldn 't stop them , and she couldn 't stop him . " Oh , Mister Rogers , thank you for my childhood . " " Oh , Mister Rogers , you 're the father I never had . " " Oh , Mister Rogers , would you please just hug me ? " After a while , Margy just rolled her eyes and gave up , because it 's always like this with Mister Rogers , because the thing that people don 't understand about him is that he 's greedy for this - greedy for the grace that people offer him . What is grace ? He doesn 't even know . He can 't define it . This is a man who loves the simplifying force of definitions , and yet all he knows of grace is how he gets it ; all he knows is that he gets it from God , through man . And so in Penn Station , where he was surrounded by men and women and children , he had this power , like a comic - book superhero who absorbs the energy of others until he bursts out of his shirt . ONCE UPON A TIME , Mister Rogers went to New York City and got caught in the rain . He didn 't have an umbrella , and he couldn 't find a taxi , either , so he ducked with a friend into the subway and got on one of the trains . It was late in the day , and the train was crowded with children who were going home from school . Though of all races , the schoolchildren were mostly black and Latino , and they didn 't even approach Mister Rogers and ask him for his autograph . They just sang . They sang , all at once , all together , the song he sings at the start of his program , " Won 't You Be My Neighbor ? " and turned the clattering train into a single soft , runaway choir . HE FINDS ME , OF COURSE , AT PENN STATION . He finds me , because that 's what Mister Rogers does - he looks , and then he finds . I 'm standing against a wall , listening to a bunch of mooks from Long Island discuss the strange word - a foreign word - he has written down on each of the autographs he gave them . First mook : " He says it 's the Greek word for grace . " Second mook : " Huh . That 's cool . I 'm glad I know that . Now , what is grace ? " First mook : " Looks like you 're gonna have to break down and buy a dictionary . " Second mook : " What I 'm buying is a ticket to the Lotto . I just met Mister Rogers - this is definitely my lucky day . " I 'm listening to these guys when , from thirty feet away , I notice Mister Rogers looking around for someone and know , immediately , that he is looking for me . He is on one knee in front of a little girl who is hoarding , in her arms , a small stuffed animal , sky - blue , a bunny . " I thought so . " Then he turns back to the little girl . " This man 's name is Tom . When he was your age , he had a rabbit , too , and he loved it very much . Its name was Old Rabbit . What is yours named ? " The little girl eyes me suspiciously , and then Mister Rogers . She goes a little knock - kneed , directs a thumb toward her mouth . " Bunny Wunny , " she says . " Oh , that 's a nice name , " Mister Rogers says , and then goes to the Thirty - fourth Street escalator to climb it one last time for the cameras . When he reaches the street , he looks right at the lens , as he always does , and says , speaking of the Neighborhood , " Let 's go back to my place , " and then makes a right turn toward Seventh Avenue , except that this time he just keeps going , and suddenly Margy Whitmer is saying , " Where is Fred ? Where is Fred ? " and Fred , he 's a hundred yards away , in his sneakers and his purple sweater , and the only thing anyone sees of him is his gray head bobbing up and down amid all the other heads , the hundreds of them , the thousands , the millions , disappearing into the city and its swelter . ONCE UPON A TIME , a little boy with a big sword went into battle against Mister Rogers . Or maybe , if the truth be told , Mister Rogers went into battle against a little boy with a big sword , for Mister Rogers didn 't like the big sword . It was one of those swords that really isn 't a sword at all ; it was a big plastic contraption with lights and sound effects , and it was the kind of sword used in defense of the universe by the heroes of the television shows that the little boy liked to watch . The little boy with the big sword did not watch Mister Rogers . In fact , the little boy with the big sword didn 't know who Mister Rogers was , and so when Mister Rogers knelt down in front of him , the little boy with the big sword looked past him and through him , and when Mister Rogers said , " Oh , my , that 's a big sword you have , " the boy didn 't answer , and finally his mother got embarrassed and said , " Oh , honey , c ' mon , that 's Mister Rogers , " and felt his head for fever . Of course , she knew who Mister Rogers was , because she had grown up with him , and she knew that he was good for her son , and so now , with her little boy zombie - eyed under his blond bangs , she apologized , saying to Mister Rogers that she knew he was in a rush and that she knew he was here in Penn Station taping his program and that her son usually wasn 't like this , he was probably just tired … . Except that Mister Rogers wasn 't going anywhere . Yes , sure , he was taping , and right there , in Penn Station in New York City , were rings of other children wiggling in wait for him , but right now his patient gray eyes were fixed on the little boy with the big sword , and so he stayed there , on one knee , until the little boy 's eyes finally focused on Mister Rogers , and he said , " It 's not a sword ; it 's a death ray . " A death ray ! Oh , honey , Mommy knew you could do it … . And so now , encouraged , Mommy said , " Do you want to give Mister Rogers a hug , honey ? " But the boy was shaking his head no , and Mister Rogers was sneaking his face past the We were heading back to his apartment in a taxi when I asked him what he had said . HE WAS BARELY MORE THAN A BOY himself when he learned what he would be fighting for , and fighting against , for the rest of his life . He was in college . He was a music major at a small school in Florida and planning to go to seminary upon graduation . His name was Fred Rogers . He came home to Latrobe , Pennsylvania , once upon a time , and his parents , because they were wealthy , had bought something new for the corner room of their big redbrick house . It was a television . Fred turned it on , and as he says now , with plaintive distaste , " there were people throwing pies at one another . " He was the soft son of overprotective parents , but he believed , right then , that he was strong enough to enter into battle with that - that machine , that medium - and to wrestle with it until it yielded to him , until the ground touched by its blue shadow became hallowed and this thing called television came to be used " for the broadcasting of grace through the land . " It would not be easy , no - for in order to win such a battle , he would have to forbid himself the privilege of stopping , and whatever he did right he would have to repeat , as though he were already living in eternity . And so it was that the puppets he employed on The Children 's Corner would be the puppets he employed forty - four years later , and so it was that once he took off his jacket and his shoes … well , he was Mister Rogers for good . And even now , when he is producing only three weeks ' worth of new programs a year , he still winds up agonizing - agonizing - about whether to announce his theme as " Little and Big " or " Big and Little " and still makes only two edits per televised minute , because he doesn 't want his message to be determined by the cuts and splices in a piece of tape - to become , despite all his fierce coherence , " a message of fragmentation . " He is losing , of course . The revolution he started - a half hour a day , five days a week - it wasn 't enough , it didn 't spread , and so , forced to fight his battles alone , Mister Rogers is losing , as we all are losing . He is losing to it , to our twenty - four - hour - a - day pie fight , to the dizzying cut and the disorienting edit , to the message of fragmentation , to the flicker and pulse and shudder and strobe , to the constant , hivey drone of the electroculture … and yet still he fights , deathly afraid that the medium he chose is consuming the very things he tried to protect : childhood and silence . Yes , at seventy years old and 143 pounds , Mister Rogers still fights , and indeed , early this year , when television handed him its highest honor , he responded by telling television - gently , of course - to just shut up for once , and television listened . He had already won his third Daytime Emmy , and now he went onstage to accept Emmy 's Lifetime Achievement Award , and there , in front of all the soap - opera stars and talk - show sinceratrons , in front of all the jutting man - tanned jaws and jutting saltwater bosoms , he made his small bow and said into the microphone , " All of us have special ones who have loved us into being . Would you just take , along with me , ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are … . Ten seconds of silence . " And then he lifted his wrist , and looked at the audience , and looked at his watch , and said softly , " I 'll watch the time , " and there was , at first , a small whoop from the crowd , a giddy , strangled hiccup of laughter , as people realized that he wasn 't kidding , that Mister Rogers was not some convenient eunuch but rather a man , an authority figure who actually expected them to do what he asked … and so they did . One second , two seconds , three seconds … and now the jaws clenched , and the bosoms heaved , and the mascara ran , and the tears fell upon the beglittered gathering like rain leaking down a crystal chandelier , and Mister Rogers finally looked up from his waONCE UPON A TIME , there was a little boy born blind , and so , defenseless in the world , he suffered the abuses of the defenseless , and when he grew up and became a man , he looked back and realized that he 'd had no childhood at all , and that if he were ever to have a childhood , he would have to start having it now , in his forties . So the first thing he did was rechristen himself " Joybubbles " ; the second thing he did was declare himself five years old forever ; and the third thing he did was make a pilgrimage to Pittsburgh , where the University of Pittsburgh 's Information Sciences Library keeps a Mister Rogers archive . It has all 865 programs , in both color and black and white , and for two months this past spring , Joybubbles went to the library every day for ten hours and watched the Neighborhood 's every episode , plus specials - or , since he is blind , listened to every episode , imagined every episode . Until one night , Mister Rogers came to him , in what he calls a visitation - " I was dreaming , but I was awake " - and offered to teach him how to pray . THE WALLS OF MISTER ROGERS ' neighborhood are light blue and fleeced with clouds . They are tall - as tall as the cinder - block walls they are designed to hide - and they encompass the Neighborhood 's entire stage set , from the flimsy yellow house where Mister Rogers comes to visit , to the closet where he finds his sweaters , to the Neighborhood of Make - Believe , where he goes to dream . The blue walls are the ends of the daylit universe he has made , and yet Mister Rogers can 't see them - or at least can 't know them - because he was born blind to color . He doesn 't know the color of his walls , and one day , when I caught him looking toward his painted skies , I asked him to tell me what color they are , and he said , " I imagine they 're blue , Tom . " Then he looked at me and smiled . " I imagine they 're blue . " He has spent thirty - one years imagining and reimagining those walls - the walls that have both penned him in and set him free . You would think it would be easy by now , being Mister Rogers ; you would think that one morning he would wake up and think , Okay , all I have to do is be nice for my allotted half hour today , and then I 'll just take the rest of the day off … . But no , Mister Rogers is a stubborn man , and so on the day I ask about the color of his sky , he has already gotten up at five - thirty , already prayed for those who have asked for his prayers , already read , already written , already swum , already weighed himself , already sent out cards for the birthdays he never forgets , already called any number of people who depend on him for comfort , already cried when he read the letter of a mother whose child was buried with a picture of Mister Rogers in his casket , already played for twenty minutes with an autistic boy who has come , with his father , all the way from Boise , Idaho , to meet him . The boy had never spoken , until one day he said , " X the Owl , " which is the name of one of Mister Rogers 's puppets , and he had never looked his father in the eye until one day his father had said , " Let 's go to the Neighborhood of Make - Believe , " and now the boy is speaking and reading , and the father has come to thank Mister Rogers for saving his son 's life … . And by this time , well , it 's nine - thirty in the morning , time for Mister Rogers to take off his jacket and his shoes and put on his sweater and his sneakers and start taping another visit to the Neighborhood . He writes all his own scripts , but on this day , when he receives a visit from Mrs . McFeely and a springer spaniel , she says that she has to bring the dog " back to his owner , " and Mister Rogers makes a face . The cameras stop , and he says , " I don 't like the word owner there . It 's not a good word . Let 's change it to ' bring the dog home . ' " And so the change is made , and the taping resumes , and this is how it goes all day , a life unfoldinYes , it should be easy being Mister Rogers , but when four o ' clock rolls around , well , Mister Rogers is tired , and so he sneaks over to the piano and starts playing , with dexterous , pale fingers , the music that used to end a 1940s newsreel and that has now become the music he plays to signal to the cast and crew that a day 's taping has wrapped . On this day , however , he is premature by a considerable extent , and so Margy , who has been with Mister Rogers since 1983 - because nobody who works for Mister Rogers ever leaves the Neighborhood - comes running over , papers in hand , and says , " Not so fast there , buster . " And now Margy comes up behind him and massages his shoulders . " No , you 're not , " she says . " Roy Rogers is done . Mister Rogers still has a ways to go . " HE WAS A CHILD ONCE , TOO , and so one day I asked him if I could go with him back to Latrobe . He thought about it for a second , then said , by way of agreement , " Okay , then - tomorrow , Tom , I 'll show you childhood . " Not his childhood , mind you , or even a childhood - no , just " childhood . " And so the next morning , we swam together , and then he put on his boxer shorts and the dark socks , and the T - shirt , and the gray trousers , and the belt , and then the white dress shirt and the black bow tie and the gray suit jacket , and about two hours later we were pulling up to the big brick house on Weldon Street in Latrobe , and Mister Rogers was thinking about going inside . There was nobody home . The doors were open , unlocked , because the house was undergoing a renovation of some kind , but the owners were away , and Mister Rogers 's boyhood home was empty of everyone but workmen . " Do you think we can go in ? " he asked Bill Isler , president of Family Communications , the company that produces Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . Bill had driven us there , and now , sitting behind the wheel of his red Grand Cherokee , he was full of remonstrance . " No ! " he said . " Fred , they 're not home . If we wanted to go into the house , we should have called first . Fred … " But Mister Rogers was out of the car , with his camera in his hand and his legs moving so fast that the material of his gray suit pants furled and unfurled around both of his skinny legs , like flags exploding in a breeze . And here , as he made his way through thickets of bewildered workmen - this skinny old man dressed in a gray suit and a bow tie , with his hands on his hips and his arms akimbo , like a dance instructor - there was some kind of wiggly jazz in his legs , and he went flying all around the outside of the house , pointing at windows , saying there was the room where he learned to play the piano , and there was the room where he saw the pie fight on a primitive television , and there was the room where his beloved father died … until finally we reached the front door . He put his hand on the knob ; he cracked it open , but then , with Bill Isler calling caution from the car , he said , " Maybe we shouldn 't go in . And all the people who made this house special to me are not here , anyway . They 're all in heaven . " And so we went to the graveyard . We were heading there all along , because Mister Rogers loves graveyards , and so as we took the long , straight road out of sad , fading Latrobe , you could still feel the speed in him , the hurry , as he mustered up a sad anticipation , and when we passed through the cemetery gates , he smiled as he said to Bill Isler , " The plot 's at the end of the yellow - brick road . " And so it was ; the asphalt ended , and then we began bouncing over a road of old blond bricks , until even that road ended , and we were parked in front of the place where Mister Rogers is to be buried . He got out of the car , and , moving as quickly as he had moved to the door of his house , he stepped up a small hill to the door of a large gray mausoleum , a huge structure built for six , with a slightly peaked roof , and bronze doors , and angels living in the stained glass . He peeked in the window , and in the same voice he uses on television , that voice , at once so patient and so eager , he pointed out each crypt , saying " There 's my father , and there 's my mother , and there , on the left , is my place , and right across will be Joanne … . " The window was of darkened glass , though , and so to see through it , we had to press our faces close against it , and where the glass had warped away from the frame of the door - where there was a finger - wide crack - Mister Rogers 's voice leaked into his grave , and came back to us as a soft , hollow echo . And then he was on the move again , happily , quickly , for he would not leave until he showed me all the places of all those who 'd loved him into being . His grandfather , his grandmother , his uncles , his aunts , his father - in - law and mother - in - law , even his family 's servants - he went to each grave , and spoke their names , and told their stories , until finally I headed back down to the Jeep and turned back around to see Mister Rogers standing high on a green dell , smiling among the stones . " And now if you don 't mind , " he said without a hint of shame or embarrassment , " I have to find a place to relieve myself , " and then off he went , this ecstatic ascetic , to take a proud piss in his corner of heaven . ONCE UPON A TIME , a man named Fred Rogers decided that he wanted to live in heaven . Heaven is the place where good people go when they die , but this man , Fred Rogers , didn 't want to go to heaven ; he wanted to live in heaven , here , now , in this world , and so one day , when he was talking about all the people he had loved in this life , he looked at me and said , " The connections we make in the course of a life - maybe that 's what heaven is , Tom . We make so many connections here on earth . Look at us - I 've just met you , but I 'm investing in who you are and who you will be , and I can 't help it . " The next afternoon , I went to his office in Pittsburgh . He was sitting on a couch , under a framed rendering of the Greek word for grace and a biblical phrase written in Hebrew that means " I am my beloved 's , and my beloved is mine . " A woman was with him , sitting in a big chair . Her name was Deb . She was very pretty . She had a long face and a dark blush to her skin . She had curls in her hair and stars at the centers of her eyes . She was a minister at Fred Rogers 's church . She spent much of her time tending to the sick and the dying . Fred Rogers loved her very much , and so , out of nowhere , he smiled and put his hand over hers . " Will you be with me when I die ? " he asked her , and when she said yes , he said , " Oh , thank you , my dear . " Then , with his hand still over hers and his eyes looking straight into hers , he said , " Deb , do you know what a great prayer you are ? Do you know that about yourself ? Your prayers are just wonderful . " Then he looked at me . I was sitting in a small chair by the door , and he said , " Tom , would you close the door , please ? " I closed the door and sat back down . " Thanks , my dear , " he said to me , then turned back to Deb . " Now , Deb , I 'd like to ask you a favor , " he said . " Would you lead us ? Would you lead us in prayer ? " Deb stiffened for a second , and she let out a breath , and her color got deeper . " Oh , I don 't know , Fred , " she said . " I don 't know if I want to put on a performance … . " Fred never stopped looking at her or let go of her hand . " It 's not a performance . It 's just a meeting of friends , " he said . He moved his hand from her wrist to her palm and extended his other hand to me . I took it and then put my hand around her free hand . His hand was warm , hers was cool , and we bowed our heads , and closed our eyes , and I heard Deb 's voice calling out for the grace of God . What is grace ? I 'm not certain ; all I know is that my heart felt like a spike , and then , in that room , it opened and felt like an umbrella . I had never prayed like that before , ever . I had always been a great prayer , a powerful one , but only fitfully , only out of guilt , only when fear and desperation drove me to it … and it hit me , right then , with my eyes closed , that this was the moment Fred Rogers - Mister Rogers - had been leading me to from the moment he answered the door of his apartment in his bathrobe and asked me about Old Rabbit . Once upon a time , you see , I lost something , and prayed to get it back , but when I lost it the second time , I didn 't , and now this was it , the missing word , the unuttered promise , the prayer I 'd been waiting to say a very long time . |
The two men walked slowly into the room , each at his own pace . One led , the other followed . The first , a younger man , gestured toward a chair sitting in the corner as he took his jacket off . Before the follower , an older gentleman , reached the chair , the young man stretched out and took the follower 's ivy cap , overcoat , scarf and gloves . The first man took the articles of clothing and laid them down one at a time . The cap , slightly slanted at the front . The long overcoat , black and gray with small clumps of matter caked into the fabric . The gloves , a rich black leather with a fur - like interior . The scarf , dark gray to match the coat . Each was set gently on top of another and placed on the gold and red couch . The younger man moved over and shut the door , taking his keys out and setting them on the polished wood table beside the door . His words were soft but held a firm tone , the statement less a question and more of a command . The follower nodded weakly and put his hands in his pockets . He stopped in front of the chair , turning slowly to face the leader . He calmly reached down and tugged his own pants at the knee , dragging them higher so that his socks showed . Looking up , the follower once again glanced at the leader 's face , and then sat down , connecting with the chair with a soft thud . I look up at my commanding officer ; his face is filled with the same emotionless expression I 'm so used to by now . His helmet has been shot at least once , grazed to the right by a stray bullet . The joke is that he keeps it on for good luck , though the man seems to care little for such things as luck . I salute him and walk over to my squad . It has been two weeks since we landed at Normandy , in that bloody mess of Omaha Beach . Every man in the 30th Division has thanked God that he didn 't see any of the action there . The men I 'm to lead are huddled together , as privates often are before the battle . Of course , how the hell would I know . This is my first engagement too . Seeing the elephant , they used to call it . I sure don 't see any damn elephants here . " Alright men , the Krauts are just over those hills . We 've got air support coming in on their position to give us the leg up . A lot of it 's going to be us though . " He had left in ' 41 in love with her . He returned a somber stump . He wasn 't the man she had loved , wasn 't the same twenty - first year old who had gone off in glory . " Harold , please talk to me . I can 't … I can 't do this . I can 't follow you around like this anymore . I can 't be the only one who cares about us . " " The air was thick and the clouds were low , but I still should have seen it coming . Saint - Lô was right there , and the Germans were close , but I still missed our planes overhead . Why would I notice them ? I didn 't . Not until the red smoke hit my face and their first bomb fell into our ranks . " The boy held the stick close to his chest , one hand high and the other low . The foliage covered much of the area and the angle of the valley made it a much better hiding spot . The other boys , their own sticks held close like his , hadn 't spotted him yet . His own group all lay around the area , on their stomach and awaiting his order . Their spot was too good . He smiled . " They were falling again . And again . And again . Each one exploding and hurling earth into my face . The air grew hot from it all . I began to run , trying to find the cover that wasn 't there . Finally it came , the hit I was waiting for . It knocked me on the ground , the upheaved ground throwing itself at my face . I could feel my leg , feel it like I never had before . " Harold burst from the mattress , sweat sliding down his skin . The blanket stuck to him like metal to a magnet . He would have to get to sleep soon . His Dental Admission Test was tomorrow , and he had to do well on it . General Eisenhower states that yesterday the American 30th Infantry Division was accidentally bombed by Allied planes . At least 100 dead , including the first death of an American general , Lt . Gen . Leslie McNair . President Roosevelt has yet to address this incident . " Harold , we 've got your test back . You 'll be able to walk again , and soon . But it won 't ever be quite the same . After the physical therapy that limp should go away , though … Harold ? Are you listening ? " The leader had already stripped down the follower and replaced his clothing . The outfit he now wore was loose around his body . No longer were there shoes on his feet , which annoyed him . Instead the follower wore thick socks that made him slide on the wood floor . The younger man walked in front , escorting the older man to the mattress . The leader tapped the soft comforter . The old man nodded softly , going over and sitting down on the spot that had been touched . Sensing what was next , he stretched out and laid his head down , bringing his legs and feet over the edge of the mattress and onto its warm surface . The young man pulled the blanket over the follower 's body and watched as he grabbed and pulled it over his own head . The leader smiled slightly , and then turned away . He grabbed his coat and his keys and opened the door , looking into the room . His hand found the switch on the wall and one last time he smiled . Nathan C . Juhl is a senior in college in Kentucky . He writes all forms of genres , mainly horror and historical fiction . He has been writing since he was eleven . Since then he has written two plays , one musical , and a collection of poems , songs , and short stories . This is the first time that he has been published . Nathan plans to not only write more short stories , but to get non - fiction work published as well . Nathan would like to dedicate this story to Eleanor Juhl ( 1941 - 2013 ) , who always wanted to see him published . Well , it really depends on the story that I 'm writing . For instance , this story was inspired by a man I took care of when I worked in an assisted living facility . While not completely his story , it is inspired from his life and I hope that I 've done justice to him . Usually I get my ideas from books or movies that I read , my mind wanders off to , What if this happened ? What if it was told from this perspective ? , and it just rolls off from there . The most important part of any story is plot and characters . A story that isn 't well developed isn 't worth reading . What makes historical fiction different is that you have to actually try and make a place that hasn 't existed for years come back to life . While science fiction does this , it creates its own world , but in historical fiction you are taking something that actually happened and putting in on the page . The most important part of historical fiction writing is understanding that , understanding that when you write you are talking about real people , a real time period that existed . People lived , loved , were sad and happy and confused and disappointed just like you were . They were real , as real as anyone you know . You have to respect and cherish that . Research . Research research research . Know what you are talking about . Because you don 't want a reader to get two paragraphs into a story and stare at some phrase you used that didn 't exist during the time period . It will throw them off and that ruins the experience for them . The most important thing to do is understand the culture that you are representing . You might not need to read every book written on the subject ( though I 'll admit I try ) , but you need to be able to understand who you are writing . Pick a period that you love and have a passion for . Make characters who you would want to be or who you would want to watch . And have a hell of a good time doing it . WC Roberts lives in a mobile home up on Bixby Hill , on land that was once the county dump . The only window looks out on a ragged scarecrow standing in a field of straw and dressed in WC 's own discarded clothes . WC dreams of the desert , of finally getting his first television set , and of ravens . Above all , he writes , and has had poems published in Strange Horizons , Apex , Space & Time Magazine , Mindflights , Aoife 's Kiss , Scifaikuest , Star * Line , and others . She marks off the days on the calendar . She knows she should call to confirm her appointment , but she 's too jittery . Unfolding her still lean body , she walks to the closet and drags out her khaki jacket which has seen better days that she can barely remember . When she reaches into the pocket where she stores her money , she finds that it 's empty . She rifles through all the other pockets ; they 're empty , too . She quickly tries to calculate what she 's done with the alimony . She walks back into the kitchen overrun with dirty dishes and empties the contents of three drawers onto the linoleum floor . Then she gets down on her hands and knees and picks through the assorted debris - several half - used candles , rubber bands , pieces of foil , scraps of paper , empty prescription bottles , newspaper articles , candy wrappers . Finally , she scavenges three dollars in change . Leaving the mess on the floor , she scurries out of the house . " Nothing , " she answers . Then asks if she should get off at Congress if she 's heading to Grant Park . " You going to the demonstration ? " Wishes she were wearing her hooded black sweater so she could hide inside of it , erasing her identity . She feels the black girl slide closer to the window . " Pynchon , " she says . * * * When they get to their stop , Sabina slowly unfolds and rises . The girl pushes past her and empties out of the train before Sabina reaches the door . By the time she climbs the stairs to ground level , Sabina wants to turn around , head home and find a way to numb her brain . But she pushes toward the park and wanders around in a daze . Battered by the crush of thousands of anti - war demonstrators . Time evaporates . Hours , maybe days later , maybe minutes later , she isn 't sure - she 's caught in a rush of blue undulating towards her . I 'm drowning , she thinks . And she tries to swim out of the park . But she forgets how to move . Just then a guy explodes in front of them . Blood hurls out of his head and dances in the air . She doesn 't realize it 's just his long , wild red hair . Doesn 't know that hours later , his head will , in fact , explode . Sabina groans , remembering her seven o ' clock appointment . " It 's now or never , " she says to herself . " Right on , " the girl says . And Sabina sees that she 's shaking . " What were you doing - just standing there , girl ? " Before they hit the street , Sabina feels that the panic in the park has subsided for the moment . But she doesn 't trust her instincts anymore . " It 's okay . We 're safe , " the girl says . Sabina tries to slow down her breathing . But now that the adrenalin of panic has been unleashed inside of her , she has no control over her body , and she exhales in staccato bursts . " Have an appointment . Gotta go , " she says . And she compels her legs to carry her out of the park to the subway , even though she 'd feel safer crawling . When she gets home , she empties out the drawers in the bedroom . She can 't come up with enough money . She wanders back to the kitchen , looks through the mess on the floor , looks at the wall phone , then empties out a cabinet . Still no cash . Finally , she picks up the phone and dials her father 's store . " Berman 's Shoes , " he says , with a slight Eastern European accent . It always shocks her to hear her father 's voice over the phone . In person , she doesn 't hear the accent ; over the phone the contours of his face , blurred by time , morph into an amalgam of others faces . She listens to him as if he were a stranger . " Berman 's Shoes , " he repeats . There 's a long silence . She can hear him breathing . He inhales a cigarette , then exhales . He 'd been told to stop smoking years ago . She tries to answer . But she can 't . She knows if she even attempts to open her mouth , grief will pour into the phone and electrocute her father on the other end . She hears him pull up in front of her house . The blue Chevy sedan , old - fashioned even before he brought it home from the dealer , slides to the curb with an audible sigh . He gets out , coughs a few times ; then slams the car door shut . She hears him run up the grey , rotting , wooden porch steps , almost tripping on the third one . She hears him stamp out his cigarette . She sits there , motionless . He walks to the dirt - streaked window , puts his hand on the glass and peers in . When he sees her , he points towards the door . The small - boned man , bent more from sorrow than fatigue or old age , and the taller young woman , coming apart at the edges , stand looking at each other , feeling like father and child again . Like a father who 's been gone for a long time and has returned to find that his child has grown up without him . Both are sorry , but there 's nothing they can do to make up for lost time . Finally , he moves toward her . Tentatively , he puts his arms around her and strokes her long , limp hair , as he used to when she was a little girl . The touch of his hand on her hair conveys more tenderness than she 's felt for months . More than she can bear . She buries her face in his shoulder and begins to sob . She tries not to think about her mother , but she can 't help herself . She remembers the last time they met . " You 're a selfish girl , " her mother said . " Always thinking about yourself and no one else . Your nose in your books all the time . " Sabina leads him into the living room and pushes aside a pile of books so he can sit down on the old couch , draped with what once had been a colorful Indian bedspread . Faded by the sunlight , it now covers torn spots and material worn thin from years of abuse . The bedspread , still smelling of spices from the Far East , lends an exotic feel to the room filled with mismatched furniture bought at Good Will . Despite her circumstances , Sabina still has an eye for beauty . And even at her lowest point , she 'd somehow been able to coax the room into an almost artistic whole . She 'd finagled a chair from a second hand shop , walked home with an old globe a neighbor was trying to sell , and made a table from a huge spool for wire that someone had left in her alley . Still , she wishes at that moment that she could be like the children of her parents ' friends , if not for her sake , then , at least , for her father 's . " But you always remember my birthday and Father 's Day , " he says , quickly . It 's so ludicrous , it makes her laugh . " If I did , I 'm glad . " " I didn 't know what to do , " he says , sadly . " Should I come , or shouldn 't I ? If I say something , will I make it worse ? Maybe it 's not as bad as I think it is , I tell myself . " Looking away , Sabina nervously runs her finger back and forth across the fine scar separating her left eyebrow into neat halves . " Everybody 's descent is different , " she says slowly , feeling her way into unfamiliar territory , " but I guess we all wind up the same way . We just keep on going down until we 're there - and that 's it - we 're at the bottom . And there 's no place else to go . " " I want to tell you . " " Do you need money ? If you need money , I have it for you . Take it , " he says , reaching into his pocket and pulling out his wallet . " Buy yourself a lipstick , some clothes , whatever . You 're a smart girl , Binnie , the smartest in your class . You 're thirty - three years old . You 're still young . You can still make something out of your life . It 's not too late . " " Good . It 's good you 're finally taking care of yourself . You look too thin . Next time I come , I 'll bring chocolates . " Her father reaches into his pocket again . " I 'll leave you the keys . I 'll get the car tomorrow . Brian will drive me over . " " Everybody 's afraid to go to the doctor , " her father says , quickly . " These days you could have a million different things and not know it . " He puts the car keys in her hand . " Nah . Don 't blame her for everything . She does what she can . " He pauses for a long moment in mid - decision . " The money 's from her , " he says , finally . Sabina refuses the information . She hands the keys back to her father . " My friend said she 'd drive me . " " Okay , then . Okay , " he says , with obvious relief . He clearly loves the girl , but he 's already overburdened by the vicissitudes of his own life . Sabina fingers the money and feels angry - angry because she has to take it from him . Angry because he 's bought her off so easily . Angry because he 's dammed up her insides to prevent the real catharsis , the flood which he knew was coming but which had frightened him so much that he 'd stuck his finger in the dike to stop the flood . And angry at herself because she knows that if she had had a choice , she would have chosen the money over the confession , anyway . " Cash in advance , " Naomi says , as they walk towards her brand new 1968 Oldsmobile . " That 's what they all want . At least , you found a real doctor . " She gathers up her red and yellow ankle - length cotton skirt and slides into the driver 's seat . " I went with my sister - to some dump on the south side . I don 't know who was more scared , her or me . You feel like you 're committing some crime , or something . " " Okay . So maybe it is . But it shouldn 't be . Don 't worry ; you 'll be fine , " Naomi says , as she reaches over and turns on the car radio . Remembers the explosion of blood . She gags , afraid to think about her appointment . More blood . She thinks about the black girl from the lit class . " I was there , " she says . " Thomas Pynchon . Never finished the book . " She chalks that up to another thing she 'd planned to do that never got done . She vaguely wonders why time , now that she has so much of it on her hands , has closed in on her and has kept her static , rather than allowing her to expand . When Jesse and Marty lived with her , she 'd been able to do three or four things at once . She amends that to : when Jesse and Marty lived with me before I began ingesting those little magic pills . Yeah , she thinks . The two of us were inseparable - me and the lady in white . She called her the heavenly nurse because she came to administer the healing as soon as Sabina pushed the right button . She did everything for Sabina , and in return Sabina was totally dedicated to her . And sometimes long into the night , she felt that she was on the verge of a real breakthrough , a real understanding of something profound . She felt as if she were getting closer and closer to " it . " But then she 'd forget exactly what the " it " was that she was pursuing . So she 'd pick up one of the books strewn around her room and begin reading , starting sometimes in the middle , sometimes at the end . She 'd finish in erratic spurts . And if the book gave her some clue , she 'd start at the beginning . If not , she 'd toss it aside . For the second time that day Sabina starts to cry . I should have stayed , she thinks . She cares about the demonstration in Grant Park . She cares about what is happening to her country . The war has eaten its way into her very being and is irrevocably tied to her personal battles . Though she tries to concentrate on the radio , her mind keeps slipping back to that inevitable day . She has trouble remembering future appointments and past indiscretions , but that particular scenario never changes no matter how many times she replays it . She 'd been sitting on the floor of the living room , wondering if she could do what the Berrigan brothers had done . She thinks about Daniel , who 'd been arrested after the March on Washington , which she has a vague memory of attending . She flashes on Philip pouring blood over draft records in the Baltimore Customs House . Sabina longs to be a Berrigan . She wants to be brave , like the Berrigans . When the Berrigans broke the law , they made a heroic choice , she thinks . Sabina had also begun meditating on other choices on that day she 'd been thinking about the Berrigans . And she 'd suddenly wondered who 'd made the right one , Dedalaus or Icarus . When she resurfaced from her meditation , to her great shock , she saw Marty rummaging through her purse . Some rational part of her remembered that she hadn 't cashed the child support check , hadn 't bought groceries , hadn 't done any of the things mothers do . But the memory seemed stuck on the other side of a tunnel she couldn 't quite back into , so she heard herself telling him that " Man does not live by bread alone . " She 'd been so sure that this was not only brilliant , but correct , because she couldn 't remember when she 'd eaten last . And she 'd never felt more fulfilled in her life than she had at that moment . She 'd smiled at Marty . Even now , sitting in Naomi 's car , she feels her whole mouth stretching out across her face . She 'd felt ecstatic then , so she was surprised when tears began rolling down his cheeks . She sped through the house , out the front door , leaving it open so Marty could follow her . When she turned around to say something a few blocks later , she noticed that he wasn 't there , but she couldn 't stop . Running made her feel like Icarus . If she just stayed on course and didn 't fly too close to the sun , she 'd make it . She was barely winded when she got home and almost happy to see Frank 's car in front of the house . But as soon as she walked through the doorway , he began spewing the kind of venom she thought was reserved for rapists and murders . For a moment , she had no idea why he was so angry . Then her head cleared , and with complete clarity , she saw herself as Frank saw her . " When you want help , give me a call . " She didn 't want help . But as long as he stood there glaring at her , she couldn 't shake the fear running up and down her spine . She believed that if she remained perfectly still and willed it , her body would disappear from the room and leave only electricity . Then she could return as her real self , her old self . And he wouldn 't look at her that way . Naomi settles into a chair in the waiting room and gobbles up " Time Magazine " as Sabina grows agitated , picking at her cuticles . The room is modern , spare , with bland art . It 's after hours , so Sabina is the only patient ; even the receptionist has left . The nurse , whose brisk manner immediately makes Sabina even more nervous , finally ushers her into an examining room , which is ice cold . Peeling off her clothes , as she 'd been instructed to do , Sabina shivers . She lies down on the narrow table and covers herself with a sheet . A pale blue sheet , the same color as the medical equipment and the walls . The nurse plunges an IV into Sabina 's arm and begins a morphine drip . " It 'll only take a few minutes . Then it 'll be all over . It 'll just feel like a bad cramp . " Maybe I shouldn 't do it , she thinks suddenly . I can change my mind . It 's not too late . She laughs , suddenly feeling light - headed . I 'd be a better mother this time . She 's afraid this is her last chance . She 's afraid if she lets this baby go , her whole life will fall apart . There will be nothing to anchor her . She 's afraid she 'll simply float away - but she doesn 't know how she will support the child . " Oh right , " she answers . " Like she has so far . Provided me with enough LSD to help me cross the border into infinity and come back empty . " No , she thinks . When I had the chance , I blew it . Will my kids hate me like I hate my mother ? She thinks of her mother 's little life of discomfort , waiting and hoping for her children to provide the satisfaction she could never provide for herself . It 's a life of mismatched appetizers without a main course . Sabina is filled with regret . My mother 's saving money for their plots , hers and my father 's , and she has no idea they 're already dead . If only he 'd kept the pink Caddy . I 'm an unnatural mother . Worse than Medea . " Okay , slide down a little , " the doctor says , without any formalities . He 's dressed in blue to match the office . My mother used to say , " Everyone 's out of step but Johnny . " I always wanted to meet Johnny . I figured we must be soul mates . Only my mother would never tell me where I could find him , so I went looking for him in all the wrong places . The voice was becoming more and more insistent . She tried to listen to it . She just needed a little more time to decide whether she could trust that voice . She wanted to . But after all , it was the same voice that had whispered to her before , wrapping itself around her , enticing her to follow the Pied Piper to an unexpurgated happiness . She lies there , feeling empty and deprived . Then she looks out of the window and sees a sliver of moon tipping in her direction . I 've made my own heroic choice , she thinks . I 've broken the law . I 'll strap on a pair of sturdier wings . Then I 'll find the Berrigans . Marilyn Levy says : I grew up in the midwest , went to Northwestern , and taught at Roosevelt University . I began writing YA novels in the early 1980s and have been lucky enough to have had 18 published ( Ballantine , Houghton Mifflin , and JPS ) . Several of my novels have been selected as Best Books by the ALA and have won other accolades , as well . My last YA , Checkpoints , received a silver medal from the National Jewish Book Award . I wrote the screenplay for Bride of the Wind , also historical fiction , based on the life of Alma Mahler , married to Gustav Mahler , Franz Werfel , Walter Gropius , and mistress of other great and famous men of her time . The movie , directed by Bruce Beresford , was filmed in Vienna . It 's not as much inspiration as it is need . It 's like a itch . It 's not always there , but when it is , I have to scratch . History comes alive in this genre . Personally , I could never keep the " facts " straight when I took history classes in school , but once I began reading about people who were part of history , the history became real , and I began to understand and retain what I read . I 'm also attracted to a perspective that might not have occurred to me . In writing Checkpoints , I studied both the Israeli and the Palestinian points of view on the current situation in the Middle East ; I wanted readers to see that history is not only malleable , but that there is often more at stake than who 's right and who 's wrong . She drew back from the window with a shudder and let them press forward to see for themselves . " Careful , " she said , and reached into the group to pull out one of the smaller girls , who looked like she might faint . I should think of some work for them to do , she thought . I shouldn 't let them stand around and scream like this . Before she could think of anything , the Entu , the wife of the God , came down the stairs from the upper level . Amat jumped to intercept her before the girls besieged her with questions . " What does Lord Enlil have to say ? " she said in a whisper , motioning her behind the stairway , out of sight of the girls . Lamari stared at the floor . Amat looked at her face and then dragged her further behind the staircase . Normally , she wouldn 't have touched Lord Enlil 's wife like that , but seeing the girl 's white face reminded her of the time when she had been the God 's wife and Lamari had been a scared child deposited at the temple for teaching . When she was sure the girls couldn 't see , she slapped the priestess hard on the cheek . " I know they killed your brother , " Amat said in a kinder voice . " That 's our loss as well as yours . He was a good satrap . But there 's no time to mourn him yet , not when Naram - Sin 's soldiers are all over the city . They 'll be here soon , and they 'll want to talk to you . Are we going to surrender or will the God help us ? " Amat looked back for a second and then turned back to the Entu . " Don 't tell the others , but tell me . What did Lord Enlil say to you ? " " Don 't tell me such obvious lies , child . I saw you go up to the blue - tiled room and I know you were there all night . What did he say to you ? " " He said nothing , Mother Amat , nothing . Leave it at that . I know we need guidance , but we don 't have it . Make up something to tell the temple staff , anything you think wise . " A crash shook the temple . The temple girls and the Entu both cried out . Amat pushed her way back to the window . " They 're trying to break down the doors , " she said . " They 're impatient . " She considered the women around her . Damgala looked the calmest of them , but she was dressed in a rough woolen kilt for the messy job of tending wounded soldiers . They couldn 't afford to insult Naram - Sin by sending a priestess who looked like a servant . Nitidam wore the blue robes of the ceremonies of Ishtar , but her tears had smeared her kohl down her cheeks . Amat grabbed one of the other girl 's sleeves and used it to wipe Nitidam 's face . " You do . You and Damgala go down and let them in . If you can stall them , do so , but bring them here before they get impatient . " " And hurry ! " Amat called after them . " You girls keep watch at the window . Someone make sure we have food and wine to offer our guests . " The girls milled uncertainly . She sighed . " You three stay at the window , " she said , pointing . " You others make sure the kitchen is ready . " Without looking to see if they obeyed her , she hurried to where the Entu waited under the staircase . " Now , tell me what he said . " " I was the Entu once myself . I 'll do what Enlil wants , don 't worry about that . I can 't make up a story to tell Naram - Sin unless I know the truth . Forget about your brother , and tell me what happened last night . " Amat resisted the urge to shake her . " Your brother is already dead . I suggest you don 't look out the window . What did you see last night ? " " We don 't have time to discuss this , " she said in Lamari 's ear . " Naram - Sin is here . Are you telling me the truth ? " The girl nodded . Amat 's eyes closed . " Then help me , Lamari . " They stepped out to where Naram - Sin and his soldiers were waiting . One of the soldiers held Nitidam by the elbow . What had remained of the kohl on her eyelids ran down her cheeks again . Damgala was nowhere to be seen . Naram - Sin looked much like he had five years ago , when he had come to Enlil 's city to be crowned King of the Four Regions . He had let his hair grow past his shoulders so he resembled the statue of the winged bull that guarded the doorway of the temple . His hair had been curled and oiled . Amat didn 't think he had seen any of the fighting himself , with his hair arranged so carefully . " Greetings , Naram - Sin , " she said , surprising herself with how calm she sounded . " I am the priestess Amat , and this is Lord Enlil 's wife , Lamari . We remember you from when you were crowned King of Sumer and Akkad . " Naram - Sin laughed . " It hardly matters , does it , priestess ? I know that Enlil won 't answer . Do as I tell you or I 'll burn the temple around your ears . " " He means it , Mother Amat , " Lamari said . " I saw it last night . He means to kill Enlil now that he 's ill , kill Enlil and destroy the city completely . If he destroys the temple here , then the worshippers will go to his patron Ishtar in Akkad . " " Priestess , I am allowing you until sundown to have your people out of the temple . Your priestesses can enter the service of Ishtar . You can stay dedicated to Enlil if you choose . I don 't begrudge him one worshipper . But get your people out of the city . " He turned to his soldiers . " Search the temple and bring what you can find . " He bowed to Lamari and Amat . " I 'll see you both outside the city in a short time . Entu , I look forward to our next meeting . " He left the hall alone , his soldiers running ahead to search for temple treasures . Shrieks followed them . Both women shuddered . " You clear the temple , " Amat said . " People and food first , relics if you have time . Forget the tablets , a fire will only bake them . Can you handle it , Lamari ? " " Never mind that . Just get everybody out and take care of yourself . And leave by the garden , " she added , remembering the satrap 's body outside the front gate . Amat waited for her to disappear towards the kitchen in the back building , then headed up the stairs , towards the highest level . She wasn 't going to stay away from Enlil now . It had only been five years ago that she had been deposed from her position , and then only because Naram - Sin had wanted a younger , prettier priestess to serve in his coronation and the satrap wanted his sister to have the power of being the God 's wife . She closed her eyes as she pushed the tapestry aside and climbed the last few steps . She had climbed it so often in the past that she knew when she reached the top step , and her eyes opened . The room hadn 't changed . She walked around the edge , checking the sights that she had enjoyed five years ago . Fires burned in spots , but the damage looked slight from that distance . The sun lowered towards the horizon . She wondered if Lamari had time to get the temple staff out . She walked towards the couch in the center of the platform and sat at the floor next to it . " Lord Enlil ? " she said softly , wondering if he would be angry she had come . When she had been removed as the Entu , she hadn 't been allowed back up to say goodbye to him . She had asked Lamari if he had anything to say to her , but he never gave Lamari a message . At first , she saw nothing and thought she would have to use an invocation . She knew invocations to speak to the winged bulls , to speak to the captive foreign gods of the hall below , to speak to the demons . But the Lord of the Earth and his family came when they wanted , not when they were called . She had decided to try a more respectful version of the winged bulls ' invocation when she noticed a mist on the couch . " Lord Enlil , what 's happened to you ? " She forgot that he was a god and she was no longer his wife and threw her arms around his neck . He didn 't seem to be in pain , didn 't seem to even notice her presence . He looked tired , like an old man . She tried to examine him as she would have examined any sick man brought to her , but he wasn 't a man . She knew all the common demons that plagued man . They all obeyed her when her divinations convinced her to put forth her full effort to exorcise them . She didn 't know the demon that besieged Lord Enlil . " I can 't leave you alone like this . " She heard nothing else . " Your daughter Ishtar has sent armies against us . She wants you killed , so she can keep your worship and be King of Heaven . " Amat stared at empty space for a moment before she realized that the God was gone . She backed away and stared at the couch , until she remembered that she didn 't have much time . She ran down the stairs like a schoolboy who forgot he was in the temple , down to the large chamber where she and the priests gave the blessings of Enlil to the city people . There stood the body that Enlil wore when he led the armies or gave blessings , the great wood and clay monument that the greatest artisans of the city 's earliest days had carved out for him , to show his strength and majesty to those he couldn 't show himself to directly . She touched the statue 's chest and felt the warmth that meant Enlil was there . She didn 't think he had the strength to travel up to his home in the sky . She bit her lip . The monument was mounted on wheels , a precaution that the dead satrap had commanded in order to bring Enlil out to bless the army , but she knew she couldn 't drag him alone . They usually used twenty slaves for the job , although two large men would suffice for a short distance . Naram - Sin 's soldiers found her after sundown , when the shadows were bluing . A dead soldier lay twenty feet before her with a bronze knife in his throat . She had moved the statue five feet . She strained at the harness and wept when she saw the men enter the room . She pulled another knife from her girdle and tried to throw it at them , but her arm was so tired that the knife fell far short . Outside , Naram - Sin sat on a large couch that had obviously been pulled from one of the large manor houses , with several urns of wine from the same source . His soldiers fought for the drinking tubes from the urns , passing the straws around , sloshing wine on each other . Naram - Sin had his own uncontested urn . His curls drooped . He held Lamari next to him by a tight grip around her waist . Tears streaked her face . He looked at Amat with no sign of surprise and smiled at the soldiers who had brought Enlil out of the temple . Lamari and Amat both screamed . The soldier who dragged Amat out of the temple grabbed her arms and pulled her back from the statue before she could plunge one of her remaining knives into the back of the man striking the flint . He wrestled the knives away from her and by the time she had given up on her weapons , the aged wooden parts of the statue were burning . Amat tore herself away from the soldier and threw herself on the statue , struggling to get past the flames to touch the heart , to see if Enlil was still in it . The soldier pulled her back and slapped the cinders on her linen wrap with his hand . Then he encircled her with his arms and dragged her further away from the blaze . " My quarrel wasn 't with the people of Nippur , but they have suffered for the pretensions of their priests and their God , " Naram - Sin said when it was over . " Many of them died today . Those who are left need blessings from their God to start their life over . They need to lay their dead to rest and be comforted . " " You have so generously made them citizens of Akkad , sir . Your priests and priestesses will teach them the ways of Ishtar soon . I 'm sure the lady will comfort them in their losses . " Naram - Sin smiled ; if Amat hadn 't seen the last few hours , she would have called it a compassionate smile on his broad face . " Ishtar is a strange goddess to them . They want their familiar god . Give them Enlil 's blessing . " Amat swayed on her feet . " I can 't give them a blessing that doesn 't exist . Enlil isn 't there to protect their dead . I can 't do the ceremony . " " The dead are dead . Don 't dismay the living more than needed . " Naram - Sin turned and left without further argument , as if he had spent enough of his time on a trivial matter . But three of Naram - Sin 's soldiers stood by . They had heard their emperor say that a blessing ceremony should be held , and they didn 't care if the god was in a condition to give blessings or not . Amat crossed her fire - reddened arms across her chest stubbornly . Lamari touched her shoulder . " He 's right , Mother Amat . It will only scare them to hear that Enlil is dead . I 'll do the ceremony for them , and I hope that it does comfort them . " Amat spun around . " You mean that you won 't tell them ? If they don 't know , they 'll pray to a god that 's not there for the rest of their lives . They 'll commit themselves to nothing when they die . Their pain now is nothing to that . " Lamari shrugged . " What could Enlil do for the dead when he lived ? Didn 't you ever hear cynicism in his voice , Mother Amat ? Didn 't you ever wonder just what he could do for us ? " " He spoke to me of the past . I don 't think there was ever a time when he could touch the dead . All he could do was comfort the living , and he can still do that . " Amat left them . Lamari didn 't need her to perform the ceremony . The girls were busy tending the wounded or performing the rites of Ishtar with Naram - Sin 's soldiers . No one needed her at the moment . She wandered through the camp of refugees , seeing the injured and the healthy trying to set up camp with whatever necessities or trivialities they had been able to carry away from the city with them . To her left , she could see the city . The walls had been smashed down , as well as the temple and the largest of the manor houses , the grass roofs of the smaller houses burnt along with most of the contents . Other than that , the city wasn 't destroyed as thoroughly as Naram - Sin had boasted . The clay walls of the houses stood where they hadn 't been battered down by hand . As soon as the army left , many of the inhabitants would straggle back in to replace the roofs and whitewash the soot away . Others would leave with the army and go to Akkad , others would probably wander south to Shuruppak or Erech . Refugees , recognizing her as a priestess , tugged on her arms and tried to ask her for blessings or medical help , but she only suggested that they find someone else . " We were worried about you too , Mother Amat , " Damgala said , smiling through a bruise on the side of her face . " The Entu said that you stayed in the temple , and we thought you intended to burn in it . Then she said you were injured , hurt in the head . " Damgala 's fingers stroked her temples . " Did something fall on you ? Where does it hurt ? " Damgala frowned at the girls . " You 'll feel better soon , Mother Amat . " Gently , the group of girls pushed her along , with the growing crowd of refugees moving towards the sound of the horn . " It 's been so long since you watched the blessings instead of conducted them , I 'm sure you 'll enjoy it . " The horn stopped and Amat saw Lamari and Nitidam standing on a platform with some of the other priestesses . They began to sing , a tuneless drone that reached to everyone in the crowd , and lit incense in front of the one of the lesser statues of Enlil that had been saved from the city square . Amat could feel its emptiness and coldness from where she sat . She thought everyone would know the truth , that their God was dead , when they saw that statue 's empty - eyed stare . The choir of priestesses went from the invocation to the song giving the dead to Enlil . Beside Amat , Damgala lifted her arms over her head , swaying and moaning a soft descant . The other priestesses raised their arms , and then others in the crowd . Soon , Amat was the only one with her hands in her lap . She could hear scattered weeping . Then the song changed . Nitidam picked up a tambourine and the other priestesses raised little drums and the song became a wordless tone that rose over the beat . Lamari beat her hands together , and the crowd started to move , dancing to thank Enlil that they had survived the destruction , thanking Enlil for saving all that they had saved . Amat sat still on the ground where all around her people danced and laughed through their tears . Soon , she knew , the sacred whores of Ishtar , the temple boys and the girls who didn 't have the patience to be priestesses , would melt into the crowd and direct the dancing for a while before going off to lie with those who wanted to feel the comfort of Enlil more directly . The rest of the crowd would probably sleep wherever they stopped dancing , with their grief and worries danced out of them for a night . " Oh , Enlil , Enlil , watch my son . " she heard a woman pant , near enough to be heard over the singing and the drums . It was an old woman who looked like she couldn 't possibly move as gracefully as she did . Her eyes were closed and she didn 't realize when she stepped on Amat . Her face was serene . The old woman danced further and further away , her face happy in spite of the tears streaming down it . Amat looked intently at the crowd , and couldn 't see anyone who felt that the God was dead . The ceremony was as effective as all the ones she had performed in her years at the temple . Dawn Albright is a statistician who lives outside of Boston . She is married with two children , and several cats , rabbits , and lizards . She is the editor of the arts and poetry webzine Polu Texni , which can be found at www . polutexni . com . She thinks historical fiction is like fantasy in building a different world from the one we live in , but one with a connection to our own lives . |
The two men walked slowly into the room , each at his own pace . One led , the other followed . The first , a younger man , gestured toward a chair sitting in the corner as he took his jacket off . Before the follower , an older gentleman , reached the chair , the young man stretched out and took the follower 's ivy cap , overcoat , scarf and gloves . The first man took the articles of clothing and laid them down one at a time . The cap , slightly slanted at the front . The long overcoat , black and gray with small clumps of matter caked into the fabric . The gloves , a rich black leather with a fur - like interior . The scarf , dark gray to match the coat . Each was set gently on top of another and placed on the gold and red couch . The younger man moved over and shut the door , taking his keys out and setting them on the polished wood table beside the door . His words were soft but held a firm tone , the statement less a question and more of a command . The follower nodded weakly and put his hands in his pockets . He stopped in front of the chair , turning slowly to face the leader . He calmly reached down and tugged his own pants at the knee , dragging them higher so that his socks showed . Looking up , the follower once again glanced at the leader 's face , and then sat down , connecting with the chair with a soft thud . I look up at my commanding officer ; his face is filled with the same emotionless expression I 'm so used to by now . His helmet has been shot at least once , grazed to the right by a stray bullet . The joke is that he keeps it on for good luck , though the man seems to care little for such things as luck . I salute him and walk over to my squad . It has been two weeks since we landed at Normandy , in that bloody mess of Omaha Beach . Every man in the 30th Division has thanked God that he didn 't see any of the action there . The men I 'm to lead are huddled together , as privates often are before the battle . Of course , how the hell would I know . This is my first engagement too . Seeing the elephant , they used to call it . I sure don 't see any damn elephants here . " Alright men , the Krauts are just over those hills . We 've got air support coming in on their position to give us the leg up . A lot of it 's going to be us though . " He had left in ' 41 in love with her . He returned a somber stump . He wasn 't the man she had loved , wasn 't the same twenty - first year old who had gone off in glory . " Harold , please talk to me . I can 't … I can 't do this . I can 't follow you around like this anymore . I can 't be the only one who cares about us . " " The air was thick and the clouds were low , but I still should have seen it coming . Saint - Lô was right there , and the Germans were close , but I still missed our planes overhead . Why would I notice them ? I didn 't . Not until the red smoke hit my face and their first bomb fell into our ranks . " The boy held the stick close to his chest , one hand high and the other low . The foliage covered much of the area and the angle of the valley made it a much better hiding spot . The other boys , their own sticks held close like his , hadn 't spotted him yet . His own group all lay around the area , on their stomach and awaiting his order . Their spot was too good . He smiled . " They were falling again . And again . And again . Each one exploding and hurling earth into my face . The air grew hot from it all . I began to run , trying to find the cover that wasn 't there . Finally it came , the hit I was waiting for . It knocked me on the ground , the upheaved ground throwing itself at my face . I could feel my leg , feel it like I never had before . " Harold burst from the mattress , sweat sliding down his skin . The blanket stuck to him like metal to a magnet . He would have to get to sleep soon . His Dental Admission Test was tomorrow , and he had to do well on it . General Eisenhower states that yesterday the American 30th Infantry Division was accidentally bombed by Allied planes . At least 100 dead , including the first death of an American general , Lt . Gen . Leslie McNair . President Roosevelt has yet to address this incident . " Harold , we 've got your test back . You 'll be able to walk again , and soon . But it won 't ever be quite the same . After the physical therapy that limp should go away , though … Harold ? Are you listening ? " The leader had already stripped down the follower and replaced his clothing . The outfit he now wore was loose around his body . No longer were there shoes on his feet , which annoyed him . Instead the follower wore thick socks that made him slide on the wood floor . The younger man walked in front , escorting the older man to the mattress . The leader tapped the soft comforter . The old man nodded softly , going over and sitting down on the spot that had been touched . Sensing what was next , he stretched out and laid his head down , bringing his legs and feet over the edge of the mattress and onto its warm surface . The young man pulled the blanket over the follower 's body and watched as he grabbed and pulled it over his own head . The leader smiled slightly , and then turned away . He grabbed his coat and his keys and opened the door , looking into the room . His hand found the switch on the wall and one last time he smiled . Nathan C . Juhl is a senior in college in Kentucky . He writes all forms of genres , mainly horror and historical fiction . He has been writing since he was eleven . Since then he has written two plays , one musical , and a collection of poems , songs , and short stories . This is the first time that he has been published . Nathan plans to not only write more short stories , but to get non - fiction work published as well . Nathan would like to dedicate this story to Eleanor Juhl ( 1941 - 2013 ) , who always wanted to see him published . Well , it really depends on the story that I 'm writing . For instance , this story was inspired by a man I took care of when I worked in an assisted living facility . While not completely his story , it is inspired from his life and I hope that I 've done justice to him . Usually I get my ideas from books or movies that I read , my mind wanders off to , What if this happened ? What if it was told from this perspective ? , and it just rolls off from there . The most important part of any story is plot and characters . A story that isn 't well developed isn 't worth reading . What makes historical fiction different is that you have to actually try and make a place that hasn 't existed for years come back to life . While science fiction does this , it creates its own world , but in historical fiction you are taking something that actually happened and putting in on the page . The most important part of historical fiction writing is understanding that , understanding that when you write you are talking about real people , a real time period that existed . People lived , loved , were sad and happy and confused and disappointed just like you were . They were real , as real as anyone you know . You have to respect and cherish that . Research . Research research research . Know what you are talking about . Because you don 't want a reader to get two paragraphs into a story and stare at some phrase you used that didn 't exist during the time period . It will throw them off and that ruins the experience for them . The most important thing to do is understand the culture that you are representing . You might not need to read every book written on the subject ( though I 'll admit I try ) , but you need to be able to understand who you are writing . Pick a period that you love and have a passion for . Make characters who you would want to be or who you would want to watch . And have a hell of a good time doing it . WC Roberts lives in a mobile home up on Bixby Hill , on land that was once the county dump . The only window looks out on a ragged scarecrow standing in a field of straw and dressed in WC 's own discarded clothes . WC dreams of the desert , of finally getting his first television set , and of ravens . Above all , he writes , and has had poems published in Strange Horizons , Apex , Space & Time Magazine , Mindflights , Aoife 's Kiss , Scifaikuest , Star * Line , and others . She marks off the days on the calendar . She knows she should call to confirm her appointment , but she 's too jittery . Unfolding her still lean body , she walks to the closet and drags out her khaki jacket which has seen better days that she can barely remember . When she reaches into the pocket where she stores her money , she finds that it 's empty . She rifles through all the other pockets ; they 're empty , too . She quickly tries to calculate what she 's done with the alimony . She walks back into the kitchen overrun with dirty dishes and empties the contents of three drawers onto the linoleum floor . Then she gets down on her hands and knees and picks through the assorted debris - several half - used candles , rubber bands , pieces of foil , scraps of paper , empty prescription bottles , newspaper articles , candy wrappers . Finally , she scavenges three dollars in change . Leaving the mess on the floor , she scurries out of the house . " Nothing , " she answers . Then asks if she should get off at Congress if she 's heading to Grant Park . " You going to the demonstration ? " Wishes she were wearing her hooded black sweater so she could hide inside of it , erasing her identity . She feels the black girl slide closer to the window . " Pynchon , " she says . * * * When they get to their stop , Sabina slowly unfolds and rises . The girl pushes past her and empties out of the train before Sabina reaches the door . By the time she climbs the stairs to ground level , Sabina wants to turn around , head home and find a way to numb her brain . But she pushes toward the park and wanders around in a daze . Battered by the crush of thousands of anti - war demonstrators . Time evaporates . Hours , maybe days later , maybe minutes later , she isn 't sure - she 's caught in a rush of blue undulating towards her . I 'm drowning , she thinks . And she tries to swim out of the park . But she forgets how to move . Just then a guy explodes in front of them . Blood hurls out of his head and dances in the air . She doesn 't realize it 's just his long , wild red hair . Doesn 't know that hours later , his head will , in fact , explode . Sabina groans , remembering her seven o ' clock appointment . " It 's now or never , " she says to herself . " Right on , " the girl says . And Sabina sees that she 's shaking . " What were you doing - just standing there , girl ? " Before they hit the street , Sabina feels that the panic in the park has subsided for the moment . But she doesn 't trust her instincts anymore . " It 's okay . We 're safe , " the girl says . Sabina tries to slow down her breathing . But now that the adrenalin of panic has been unleashed inside of her , she has no control over her body , and she exhales in staccato bursts . " Have an appointment . Gotta go , " she says . And she compels her legs to carry her out of the park to the subway , even though she 'd feel safer crawling . When she gets home , she empties out the drawers in the bedroom . She can 't come up with enough money . She wanders back to the kitchen , looks through the mess on the floor , looks at the wall phone , then empties out a cabinet . Still no cash . Finally , she picks up the phone and dials her father 's store . " Berman 's Shoes , " he says , with a slight Eastern European accent . It always shocks her to hear her father 's voice over the phone . In person , she doesn 't hear the accent ; over the phone the contours of his face , blurred by time , morph into an amalgam of others faces . She listens to him as if he were a stranger . " Berman 's Shoes , " he repeats . There 's a long silence . She can hear him breathing . He inhales a cigarette , then exhales . He 'd been told to stop smoking years ago . She tries to answer . But she can 't . She knows if she even attempts to open her mouth , grief will pour into the phone and electrocute her father on the other end . She hears him pull up in front of her house . The blue Chevy sedan , old - fashioned even before he brought it home from the dealer , slides to the curb with an audible sigh . He gets out , coughs a few times ; then slams the car door shut . She hears him run up the grey , rotting , wooden porch steps , almost tripping on the third one . She hears him stamp out his cigarette . She sits there , motionless . He walks to the dirt - streaked window , puts his hand on the glass and peers in . When he sees her , he points towards the door . The small - boned man , bent more from sorrow than fatigue or old age , and the taller young woman , coming apart at the edges , stand looking at each other , feeling like father and child again . Like a father who 's been gone for a long time and has returned to find that his child has grown up without him . Both are sorry , but there 's nothing they can do to make up for lost time . Finally , he moves toward her . Tentatively , he puts his arms around her and strokes her long , limp hair , as he used to when she was a little girl . The touch of his hand on her hair conveys more tenderness than she 's felt for months . More than she can bear . She buries her face in his shoulder and begins to sob . She tries not to think about her mother , but she can 't help herself . She remembers the last time they met . " You 're a selfish girl , " her mother said . " Always thinking about yourself and no one else . Your nose in your books all the time . " Sabina leads him into the living room and pushes aside a pile of books so he can sit down on the old couch , draped with what once had been a colorful Indian bedspread . Faded by the sunlight , it now covers torn spots and material worn thin from years of abuse . The bedspread , still smelling of spices from the Far East , lends an exotic feel to the room filled with mismatched furniture bought at Good Will . Despite her circumstances , Sabina still has an eye for beauty . And even at her lowest point , she 'd somehow been able to coax the room into an almost artistic whole . She 'd finagled a chair from a second hand shop , walked home with an old globe a neighbor was trying to sell , and made a table from a huge spool for wire that someone had left in her alley . Still , she wishes at that moment that she could be like the children of her parents ' friends , if not for her sake , then , at least , for her father 's . " But you always remember my birthday and Father 's Day , " he says , quickly . It 's so ludicrous , it makes her laugh . " If I did , I 'm glad . " " I didn 't know what to do , " he says , sadly . " Should I come , or shouldn 't I ? If I say something , will I make it worse ? Maybe it 's not as bad as I think it is , I tell myself . " Looking away , Sabina nervously runs her finger back and forth across the fine scar separating her left eyebrow into neat halves . " Everybody 's descent is different , " she says slowly , feeling her way into unfamiliar territory , " but I guess we all wind up the same way . We just keep on going down until we 're there - and that 's it - we 're at the bottom . And there 's no place else to go . " " I want to tell you . " " Do you need money ? If you need money , I have it for you . Take it , " he says , reaching into his pocket and pulling out his wallet . " Buy yourself a lipstick , some clothes , whatever . You 're a smart girl , Binnie , the smartest in your class . You 're thirty - three years old . You 're still young . You can still make something out of your life . It 's not too late . " " Good . It 's good you 're finally taking care of yourself . You look too thin . Next time I come , I 'll bring chocolates . " Her father reaches into his pocket again . " I 'll leave you the keys . I 'll get the car tomorrow . Brian will drive me over . " " Everybody 's afraid to go to the doctor , " her father says , quickly . " These days you could have a million different things and not know it . " He puts the car keys in her hand . " Nah . Don 't blame her for everything . She does what she can . " He pauses for a long moment in mid - decision . " The money 's from her , " he says , finally . Sabina refuses the information . She hands the keys back to her father . " My friend said she 'd drive me . " " Okay , then . Okay , " he says , with obvious relief . He clearly loves the girl , but he 's already overburdened by the vicissitudes of his own life . Sabina fingers the money and feels angry - angry because she has to take it from him . Angry because he 's bought her off so easily . Angry because he 's dammed up her insides to prevent the real catharsis , the flood which he knew was coming but which had frightened him so much that he 'd stuck his finger in the dike to stop the flood . And angry at herself because she knows that if she had had a choice , she would have chosen the money over the confession , anyway . " Cash in advance , " Naomi says , as they walk towards her brand new 1968 Oldsmobile . " That 's what they all want . At least , you found a real doctor . " She gathers up her red and yellow ankle - length cotton skirt and slides into the driver 's seat . " I went with my sister - to some dump on the south side . I don 't know who was more scared , her or me . You feel like you 're committing some crime , or something . " " Okay . So maybe it is . But it shouldn 't be . Don 't worry ; you 'll be fine , " Naomi says , as she reaches over and turns on the car radio . Remembers the explosion of blood . She gags , afraid to think about her appointment . More blood . She thinks about the black girl from the lit class . " I was there , " she says . " Thomas Pynchon . Never finished the book . " She chalks that up to another thing she 'd planned to do that never got done . She vaguely wonders why time , now that she has so much of it on her hands , has closed in on her and has kept her static , rather than allowing her to expand . When Jesse and Marty lived with her , she 'd been able to do three or four things at once . She amends that to : when Jesse and Marty lived with me before I began ingesting those little magic pills . Yeah , she thinks . The two of us were inseparable - me and the lady in white . She called her the heavenly nurse because she came to administer the healing as soon as Sabina pushed the right button . She did everything for Sabina , and in return Sabina was totally dedicated to her . And sometimes long into the night , she felt that she was on the verge of a real breakthrough , a real understanding of something profound . She felt as if she were getting closer and closer to " it . " But then she 'd forget exactly what the " it " was that she was pursuing . So she 'd pick up one of the books strewn around her room and begin reading , starting sometimes in the middle , sometimes at the end . She 'd finish in erratic spurts . And if the book gave her some clue , she 'd start at the beginning . If not , she 'd toss it aside . For the second time that day Sabina starts to cry . I should have stayed , she thinks . She cares about the demonstration in Grant Park . She cares about what is happening to her country . The war has eaten its way into her very being and is irrevocably tied to her personal battles . Though she tries to concentrate on the radio , her mind keeps slipping back to that inevitable day . She has trouble remembering future appointments and past indiscretions , but that particular scenario never changes no matter how many times she replays it . She 'd been sitting on the floor of the living room , wondering if she could do what the Berrigan brothers had done . She thinks about Daniel , who 'd been arrested after the March on Washington , which she has a vague memory of attending . She flashes on Philip pouring blood over draft records in the Baltimore Customs House . Sabina longs to be a Berrigan . She wants to be brave , like the Berrigans . When the Berrigans broke the law , they made a heroic choice , she thinks . Sabina had also begun meditating on other choices on that day she 'd been thinking about the Berrigans . And she 'd suddenly wondered who 'd made the right one , Dedalaus or Icarus . When she resurfaced from her meditation , to her great shock , she saw Marty rummaging through her purse . Some rational part of her remembered that she hadn 't cashed the child support check , hadn 't bought groceries , hadn 't done any of the things mothers do . But the memory seemed stuck on the other side of a tunnel she couldn 't quite back into , so she heard herself telling him that " Man does not live by bread alone . " She 'd been so sure that this was not only brilliant , but correct , because she couldn 't remember when she 'd eaten last . And she 'd never felt more fulfilled in her life than she had at that moment . She 'd smiled at Marty . Even now , sitting in Naomi 's car , she feels her whole mouth stretching out across her face . She 'd felt ecstatic then , so she was surprised when tears began rolling down his cheeks . She sped through the house , out the front door , leaving it open so Marty could follow her . When she turned around to say something a few blocks later , she noticed that he wasn 't there , but she couldn 't stop . Running made her feel like Icarus . If she just stayed on course and didn 't fly too close to the sun , she 'd make it . She was barely winded when she got home and almost happy to see Frank 's car in front of the house . But as soon as she walked through the doorway , he began spewing the kind of venom she thought was reserved for rapists and murders . For a moment , she had no idea why he was so angry . Then her head cleared , and with complete clarity , she saw herself as Frank saw her . " When you want help , give me a call . " She didn 't want help . But as long as he stood there glaring at her , she couldn 't shake the fear running up and down her spine . She believed that if she remained perfectly still and willed it , her body would disappear from the room and leave only electricity . Then she could return as her real self , her old self . And he wouldn 't look at her that way . Naomi settles into a chair in the waiting room and gobbles up " Time Magazine " as Sabina grows agitated , picking at her cuticles . The room is modern , spare , with bland art . It 's after hours , so Sabina is the only patient ; even the receptionist has left . The nurse , whose brisk manner immediately makes Sabina even more nervous , finally ushers her into an examining room , which is ice cold . Peeling off her clothes , as she 'd been instructed to do , Sabina shivers . She lies down on the narrow table and covers herself with a sheet . A pale blue sheet , the same color as the medical equipment and the walls . The nurse plunges an IV into Sabina 's arm and begins a morphine drip . " It 'll only take a few minutes . Then it 'll be all over . It 'll just feel like a bad cramp . " Maybe I shouldn 't do it , she thinks suddenly . I can change my mind . It 's not too late . She laughs , suddenly feeling light - headed . I 'd be a better mother this time . She 's afraid this is her last chance . She 's afraid if she lets this baby go , her whole life will fall apart . There will be nothing to anchor her . She 's afraid she 'll simply float away - but she doesn 't know how she will support the child . " Oh right , " she answers . " Like she has so far . Provided me with enough LSD to help me cross the border into infinity and come back empty . " No , she thinks . When I had the chance , I blew it . Will my kids hate me like I hate my mother ? She thinks of her mother 's little life of discomfort , waiting and hoping for her children to provide the satisfaction she could never provide for herself . It 's a life of mismatched appetizers without a main course . Sabina is filled with regret . My mother 's saving money for their plots , hers and my father 's , and she has no idea they 're already dead . If only he 'd kept the pink Caddy . I 'm an unnatural mother . Worse than Medea . " Okay , slide down a little , " the doctor says , without any formalities . He 's dressed in blue to match the office . My mother used to say , " Everyone 's out of step but Johnny . " I always wanted to meet Johnny . I figured we must be soul mates . Only my mother would never tell me where I could find him , so I went looking for him in all the wrong places . The voice was becoming more and more insistent . She tried to listen to it . She just needed a little more time to decide whether she could trust that voice . She wanted to . But after all , it was the same voice that had whispered to her before , wrapping itself around her , enticing her to follow the Pied Piper to an unexpurgated happiness . She lies there , feeling empty and deprived . Then she looks out of the window and sees a sliver of moon tipping in her direction . I 've made my own heroic choice , she thinks . I 've broken the law . I 'll strap on a pair of sturdier wings . Then I 'll find the Berrigans . Marilyn Levy says : I grew up in the midwest , went to Northwestern , and taught at Roosevelt University . I began writing YA novels in the early 1980s and have been lucky enough to have had 18 published ( Ballantine , Houghton Mifflin , and JPS ) . Several of my novels have been selected as Best Books by the ALA and have won other accolades , as well . My last YA , Checkpoints , received a silver medal from the National Jewish Book Award . I wrote the screenplay for Bride of the Wind , also historical fiction , based on the life of Alma Mahler , married to Gustav Mahler , Franz Werfel , Walter Gropius , and mistress of other great and famous men of her time . The movie , directed by Bruce Beresford , was filmed in Vienna . It 's not as much inspiration as it is need . It 's like a itch . It 's not always there , but when it is , I have to scratch . History comes alive in this genre . Personally , I could never keep the " facts " straight when I took history classes in school , but once I began reading about people who were part of history , the history became real , and I began to understand and retain what I read . I 'm also attracted to a perspective that might not have occurred to me . In writing Checkpoints , I studied both the Israeli and the Palestinian points of view on the current situation in the Middle East ; I wanted readers to see that history is not only malleable , but that there is often more at stake than who 's right and who 's wrong . She drew back from the window with a shudder and let them press forward to see for themselves . " Careful , " she said , and reached into the group to pull out one of the smaller girls , who looked like she might faint . I should think of some work for them to do , she thought . I shouldn 't let them stand around and scream like this . Before she could think of anything , the Entu , the wife of the God , came down the stairs from the upper level . Amat jumped to intercept her before the girls besieged her with questions . " What does Lord Enlil have to say ? " she said in a whisper , motioning her behind the stairway , out of sight of the girls . Lamari stared at the floor . Amat looked at her face and then dragged her further behind the staircase . Normally , she wouldn 't have touched Lord Enlil 's wife like that , but seeing the girl 's white face reminded her of the time when she had been the God 's wife and Lamari had been a scared child deposited at the temple for teaching . When she was sure the girls couldn 't see , she slapped the priestess hard on the cheek . " I know they killed your brother , " Amat said in a kinder voice . " That 's our loss as well as yours . He was a good satrap . But there 's no time to mourn him yet , not when Naram - Sin 's soldiers are all over the city . They 'll be here soon , and they 'll want to talk to you . Are we going to surrender or will the God help us ? " Amat looked back for a second and then turned back to the Entu . " Don 't tell the others , but tell me . What did Lord Enlil say to you ? " " Don 't tell me such obvious lies , child . I saw you go up to the blue - tiled room and I know you were there all night . What did he say to you ? " " He said nothing , Mother Amat , nothing . Leave it at that . I know we need guidance , but we don 't have it . Make up something to tell the temple staff , anything you think wise . " A crash shook the temple . The temple girls and the Entu both cried out . Amat pushed her way back to the window . " They 're trying to break down the doors , " she said . " They 're impatient . " She considered the women around her . Damgala looked the calmest of them , but she was dressed in a rough woolen kilt for the messy job of tending wounded soldiers . They couldn 't afford to insult Naram - Sin by sending a priestess who looked like a servant . Nitidam wore the blue robes of the ceremonies of Ishtar , but her tears had smeared her kohl down her cheeks . Amat grabbed one of the other girl 's sleeves and used it to wipe Nitidam 's face . " You do . You and Damgala go down and let them in . If you can stall them , do so , but bring them here before they get impatient . " " And hurry ! " Amat called after them . " You girls keep watch at the window . Someone make sure we have food and wine to offer our guests . " The girls milled uncertainly . She sighed . " You three stay at the window , " she said , pointing . " You others make sure the kitchen is ready . " Without looking to see if they obeyed her , she hurried to where the Entu waited under the staircase . " Now , tell me what he said . " " I was the Entu once myself . I 'll do what Enlil wants , don 't worry about that . I can 't make up a story to tell Naram - Sin unless I know the truth . Forget about your brother , and tell me what happened last night . " Amat resisted the urge to shake her . " Your brother is already dead . I suggest you don 't look out the window . What did you see last night ? " " We don 't have time to discuss this , " she said in Lamari 's ear . " Naram - Sin is here . Are you telling me the truth ? " The girl nodded . Amat 's eyes closed . " Then help me , Lamari . " They stepped out to where Naram - Sin and his soldiers were waiting . One of the soldiers held Nitidam by the elbow . What had remained of the kohl on her eyelids ran down her cheeks again . Damgala was nowhere to be seen . Naram - Sin looked much like he had five years ago , when he had come to Enlil 's city to be crowned King of the Four Regions . He had let his hair grow past his shoulders so he resembled the statue of the winged bull that guarded the doorway of the temple . His hair had been curled and oiled . Amat didn 't think he had seen any of the fighting himself , with his hair arranged so carefully . " Greetings , Naram - Sin , " she said , surprising herself with how calm she sounded . " I am the priestess Amat , and this is Lord Enlil 's wife , Lamari . We remember you from when you were crowned King of Sumer and Akkad . " Naram - Sin laughed . " It hardly matters , does it , priestess ? I know that Enlil won 't answer . Do as I tell you or I 'll burn the temple around your ears . " " He means it , Mother Amat , " Lamari said . " I saw it last night . He means to kill Enlil now that he 's ill , kill Enlil and destroy the city completely . If he destroys the temple here , then the worshippers will go to his patron Ishtar in Akkad . " " Priestess , I am allowing you until sundown to have your people out of the temple . Your priestesses can enter the service of Ishtar . You can stay dedicated to Enlil if you choose . I don 't begrudge him one worshipper . But get your people out of the city . " He turned to his soldiers . " Search the temple and bring what you can find . " He bowed to Lamari and Amat . " I 'll see you both outside the city in a short time . Entu , I look forward to our next meeting . " He left the hall alone , his soldiers running ahead to search for temple treasures . Shrieks followed them . Both women shuddered . " You clear the temple , " Amat said . " People and food first , relics if you have time . Forget the tablets , a fire will only bake them . Can you handle it , Lamari ? " " Never mind that . Just get everybody out and take care of yourself . And leave by the garden , " she added , remembering the satrap 's body outside the front gate . Amat waited for her to disappear towards the kitchen in the back building , then headed up the stairs , towards the highest level . She wasn 't going to stay away from Enlil now . It had only been five years ago that she had been deposed from her position , and then only because Naram - Sin had wanted a younger , prettier priestess to serve in his coronation and the satrap wanted his sister to have the power of being the God 's wife . She closed her eyes as she pushed the tapestry aside and climbed the last few steps . She had climbed it so often in the past that she knew when she reached the top step , and her eyes opened . The room hadn 't changed . She walked around the edge , checking the sights that she had enjoyed five years ago . Fires burned in spots , but the damage looked slight from that distance . The sun lowered towards the horizon . She wondered if Lamari had time to get the temple staff out . She walked towards the couch in the center of the platform and sat at the floor next to it . " Lord Enlil ? " she said softly , wondering if he would be angry she had come . When she had been removed as the Entu , she hadn 't been allowed back up to say goodbye to him . She had asked Lamari if he had anything to say to her , but he never gave Lamari a message . At first , she saw nothing and thought she would have to use an invocation . She knew invocations to speak to the winged bulls , to speak to the captive foreign gods of the hall below , to speak to the demons . But the Lord of the Earth and his family came when they wanted , not when they were called . She had decided to try a more respectful version of the winged bulls ' invocation when she noticed a mist on the couch . " Lord Enlil , what 's happened to you ? " She forgot that he was a god and she was no longer his wife and threw her arms around his neck . He didn 't seem to be in pain , didn 't seem to even notice her presence . He looked tired , like an old man . She tried to examine him as she would have examined any sick man brought to her , but he wasn 't a man . She knew all the common demons that plagued man . They all obeyed her when her divinations convinced her to put forth her full effort to exorcise them . She didn 't know the demon that besieged Lord Enlil . " I can 't leave you alone like this . " She heard nothing else . " Your daughter Ishtar has sent armies against us . She wants you killed , so she can keep your worship and be King of Heaven . " Amat stared at empty space for a moment before she realized that the God was gone . She backed away and stared at the couch , until she remembered that she didn 't have much time . She ran down the stairs like a schoolboy who forgot he was in the temple , down to the large chamber where she and the priests gave the blessings of Enlil to the city people . There stood the body that Enlil wore when he led the armies or gave blessings , the great wood and clay monument that the greatest artisans of the city 's earliest days had carved out for him , to show his strength and majesty to those he couldn 't show himself to directly . She touched the statue 's chest and felt the warmth that meant Enlil was there . She didn 't think he had the strength to travel up to his home in the sky . She bit her lip . The monument was mounted on wheels , a precaution that the dead satrap had commanded in order to bring Enlil out to bless the army , but she knew she couldn 't drag him alone . They usually used twenty slaves for the job , although two large men would suffice for a short distance . Naram - Sin 's soldiers found her after sundown , when the shadows were bluing . A dead soldier lay twenty feet before her with a bronze knife in his throat . She had moved the statue five feet . She strained at the harness and wept when she saw the men enter the room . She pulled another knife from her girdle and tried to throw it at them , but her arm was so tired that the knife fell far short . Outside , Naram - Sin sat on a large couch that had obviously been pulled from one of the large manor houses , with several urns of wine from the same source . His soldiers fought for the drinking tubes from the urns , passing the straws around , sloshing wine on each other . Naram - Sin had his own uncontested urn . His curls drooped . He held Lamari next to him by a tight grip around her waist . Tears streaked her face . He looked at Amat with no sign of surprise and smiled at the soldiers who had brought Enlil out of the temple . Lamari and Amat both screamed . The soldier who dragged Amat out of the temple grabbed her arms and pulled her back from the statue before she could plunge one of her remaining knives into the back of the man striking the flint . He wrestled the knives away from her and by the time she had given up on her weapons , the aged wooden parts of the statue were burning . Amat tore herself away from the soldier and threw herself on the statue , struggling to get past the flames to touch the heart , to see if Enlil was still in it . The soldier pulled her back and slapped the cinders on her linen wrap with his hand . Then he encircled her with his arms and dragged her further away from the blaze . " My quarrel wasn 't with the people of Nippur , but they have suffered for the pretensions of their priests and their God , " Naram - Sin said when it was over . " Many of them died today . Those who are left need blessings from their God to start their life over . They need to lay their dead to rest and be comforted . " " You have so generously made them citizens of Akkad , sir . Your priests and priestesses will teach them the ways of Ishtar soon . I 'm sure the lady will comfort them in their losses . " Naram - Sin smiled ; if Amat hadn 't seen the last few hours , she would have called it a compassionate smile on his broad face . " Ishtar is a strange goddess to them . They want their familiar god . Give them Enlil 's blessing . " Amat swayed on her feet . " I can 't give them a blessing that doesn 't exist . Enlil isn 't there to protect their dead . I can 't do the ceremony . " " The dead are dead . Don 't dismay the living more than needed . " Naram - Sin turned and left without further argument , as if he had spent enough of his time on a trivial matter . But three of Naram - Sin 's soldiers stood by . They had heard their emperor say that a blessing ceremony should be held , and they didn 't care if the god was in a condition to give blessings or not . Amat crossed her fire - reddened arms across her chest stubbornly . Lamari touched her shoulder . " He 's right , Mother Amat . It will only scare them to hear that Enlil is dead . I 'll do the ceremony for them , and I hope that it does comfort them . " Amat spun around . " You mean that you won 't tell them ? If they don 't know , they 'll pray to a god that 's not there for the rest of their lives . They 'll commit themselves to nothing when they die . Their pain now is nothing to that . " Lamari shrugged . " What could Enlil do for the dead when he lived ? Didn 't you ever hear cynicism in his voice , Mother Amat ? Didn 't you ever wonder just what he could do for us ? " " He spoke to me of the past . I don 't think there was ever a time when he could touch the dead . All he could do was comfort the living , and he can still do that . " Amat left them . Lamari didn 't need her to perform the ceremony . The girls were busy tending the wounded or performing the rites of Ishtar with Naram - Sin 's soldiers . No one needed her at the moment . She wandered through the camp of refugees , seeing the injured and the healthy trying to set up camp with whatever necessities or trivialities they had been able to carry away from the city with them . To her left , she could see the city . The walls had been smashed down , as well as the temple and the largest of the manor houses , the grass roofs of the smaller houses burnt along with most of the contents . Other than that , the city wasn 't destroyed as thoroughly as Naram - Sin had boasted . The clay walls of the houses stood where they hadn 't been battered down by hand . As soon as the army left , many of the inhabitants would straggle back in to replace the roofs and whitewash the soot away . Others would leave with the army and go to Akkad , others would probably wander south to Shuruppak or Erech . Refugees , recognizing her as a priestess , tugged on her arms and tried to ask her for blessings or medical help , but she only suggested that they find someone else . " We were worried about you too , Mother Amat , " Damgala said , smiling through a bruise on the side of her face . " The Entu said that you stayed in the temple , and we thought you intended to burn in it . Then she said you were injured , hurt in the head . " Damgala 's fingers stroked her temples . " Did something fall on you ? Where does it hurt ? " Damgala frowned at the girls . " You 'll feel better soon , Mother Amat . " Gently , the group of girls pushed her along , with the growing crowd of refugees moving towards the sound of the horn . " It 's been so long since you watched the blessings instead of conducted them , I 'm sure you 'll enjoy it . " The horn stopped and Amat saw Lamari and Nitidam standing on a platform with some of the other priestesses . They began to sing , a tuneless drone that reached to everyone in the crowd , and lit incense in front of the one of the lesser statues of Enlil that had been saved from the city square . Amat could feel its emptiness and coldness from where she sat . She thought everyone would know the truth , that their God was dead , when they saw that statue 's empty - eyed stare . The choir of priestesses went from the invocation to the song giving the dead to Enlil . Beside Amat , Damgala lifted her arms over her head , swaying and moaning a soft descant . The other priestesses raised their arms , and then others in the crowd . Soon , Amat was the only one with her hands in her lap . She could hear scattered weeping . Then the song changed . Nitidam picked up a tambourine and the other priestesses raised little drums and the song became a wordless tone that rose over the beat . Lamari beat her hands together , and the crowd started to move , dancing to thank Enlil that they had survived the destruction , thanking Enlil for saving all that they had saved . Amat sat still on the ground where all around her people danced and laughed through their tears . Soon , she knew , the sacred whores of Ishtar , the temple boys and the girls who didn 't have the patience to be priestesses , would melt into the crowd and direct the dancing for a while before going off to lie with those who wanted to feel the comfort of Enlil more directly . The rest of the crowd would probably sleep wherever they stopped dancing , with their grief and worries danced out of them for a night . " Oh , Enlil , Enlil , watch my son . " she heard a woman pant , near enough to be heard over the singing and the drums . It was an old woman who looked like she couldn 't possibly move as gracefully as she did . Her eyes were closed and she didn 't realize when she stepped on Amat . Her face was serene . The old woman danced further and further away , her face happy in spite of the tears streaming down it . Amat looked intently at the crowd , and couldn 't see anyone who felt that the God was dead . The ceremony was as effective as all the ones she had performed in her years at the temple . Dawn Albright is a statistician who lives outside of Boston . She is married with two children , and several cats , rabbits , and lizards . She is the editor of the arts and poetry webzine Polu Texni , which can be found at www . polutexni . com . She thinks historical fiction is like fantasy in building a different world from the one we live in , but one with a connection to our own lives . |
by admin July 18 , 2011 Ari shuddered as she stepped out of the restaurant . She took off her jacket and turned to block the wind as she held the jacket out to her date . The night was quiet and the street was mostly deserted . It was the first Monday of the new year , so even the hardest of partiers had gone back home to sleep off their hangovers . " Here . It must have dropped ten degrees while we were inside . " Gina Lansdowne smiled and accepted the chivalry , letting it drape over her shoulders as she held the lapels together with one hand . " Thanks . We probably should have left when the waiters started checking their watches . " The windows of the restaurant went dark behind them , the waiter who had followed them to the door turning the sign to ' closed ' before retreating back to finally bus their table . " Hey , it took long enough to get this date in the first place . I didn 't want to end it before I was guaranteed a second . " Gina pressed against Ari 's side , and Ari put an arm around her . Gina 's apartment was just down the street , the reason she had picked the restaurant in the first place , and Ari escorted her to the front door of the building . She was wearing a white blouse with gold embroidery , and a pair of black slacks . The cold was rough without her jacket , but she 'd been naked in worse weather . " So what pushed me over the edge ? " Ari said . " It 's been two weeks since we met at your office ; why did you finally decide to give me a call ? " Gina said , " My boss was pretty pissed about those papers you served him with . So he started taking it out on me , piling on work and badmouthing my coffee . You know , nothing enough to make me quit , but still a hassle . I didn 't want to risk associating you with the ton of work I was buried under . But I got a week off for Christmas and New Years , and I had some free time to disassociate you from work , and voila … " " That 's the word my shrink uses . " Gina winced and put her free hand over her eyes . " And now you know I see a shrink . God . Three hours at dinner without mentioning it and I screw up on the walk home . " Ari 's smile faded slightly , but she recovered quickly . " Where would be the fun in just telling you ? Besides , we need something to discuss on our second date . " Gina pointed out the front stoop of her building , and Ari went up onto the second step to let the building act as a windbreak . Gina leaned against the brick , and Ari turned so they could face each other . " I am glad you called . " Her eyes dipped to Ari 's lips , and Ari took the invitation . She leaned in and warmed Gina 's lips with a gentle breath before they kissed . Ari 's hands slipped under Gina 's borrowed coat , meeting in the middle of her back . Gina put her hands on Ari 's shoulders and pushed them back until they were covered by Ari 's dark hair . Ari teased Gina 's lips with her tongue before she pulled back , opening her eyes as Gina flattened her palm against the back of her head . Gina 's eyes were still closed , her lips slightly parted . Ari pressed Gina against the wall just inside the apartment , kissing her again as Gina pushed the door shut . She only got the barest inkling of what the rest of the apartment was like ; the entry way opened onto the living room , where two windows looked out over a street lamp that turned everything on this side of the glass pale yellow . She got the impression of silhouetted furniture , but that was all she noticed before she closed her eyes to kiss Gina again . " Bedroom ? " Ari said , pushing her coat off of Gina 's shoulders . Gina was wearing a sleeveless red dress , and Ari ran her palms over her bare arms as they moved across the space . " Left , " Gina said , pointing in the right general direction . She pushed away from the wall and pulled Ari with her as she moved . It was too awkward to walk while kissing , so Ari settled for holding Gina 's hand so she could be guided to the bedroom . " Watch out for the table there . " Ari stepped wide , and Gina pushed open a sliding door that seemed to double the size of the living room . She stepped forward and kissed Ari again , and they fell into the bedroom with the grace of two leaves caught in an updraft . They hit the bed with Ari on top , and she straddled Gina as their kiss deepened . Gina sucked the tip of Ari 's tongue when she tried to retreat , and Ari groaned as she reluctantly sat up . Gina put her hands under Ari 's shirt , stroking her stomach as Ari quickly undid the buttons of her blouse and let it fall . Gina sat up , moving her hands around to the small of Ari 's back , and kissed her chest . Ari closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Gina 's head , her heart pounding as Gina 's lips traced the lacy cups of her bra . Gina moved her fingers up and found the clasp , undoing it in seconds and leaning back just long enough to pull it away . She attacked again , lips closing around Ari 's nipple and sucking gently . " Any day of the week , " Ari said breathlessly . She ran her hand down Gina 's back until she found the zipper on her dress . She bowed her head and kissed Gina 's shoulder as she pushed the strap down and off , moving her lips to Gina 's neck . Gina moaned and pressed her face against Ari 's shoulder . " Wait , wait , " Gina gasped . She moved , lowering Ari to the mattress and kissing her before rising . " Don 't move . Just … l - let me … " She pushed the strap off her other shoulder and then let it fall . She stepped out of the dress , looked across the room , and said , " Music … we should play some music … " " I don 't care , " Ari said , propped up on her elbows . She was distracted by Gina 's flat stomach . " C ' mere . " " Hurry , then , " Ari said . When Gina went across the room , Ari unfastened her slacks and pushed them down . She had just kicked them off when Gina returned , and a song by Kings of Leon was playing just loud enough to drown out any sounds they might make . Ari was sitting on the edge of the bed , and Gina stepped between her spread legs and leaned in to kiss her . Ari put her arms around Gina and pulled her forward , lying back on the mattress . She ran two fingers down the line of Gina 's spine , and Gina shivered as Ari popped the catch on her bra . Gina pushed herself up and Ari pulled her bra away . Gina hunched her shoulders , and her hair fell into her face as she brought one hand up to her mouth . She sucked them into her mouth , getting them wet before she brushed her palm down Ari 's stomach to her underwear . Ari brought her left foot up and placed it on the edge of the bed , swinging her knee out to give Gina more room . She closed her eyes as Gina 's hand pushed into her underwear and began to move against her sex . Two fingers , working in slow circles , and Ari arched her back . She bit her bottom lip and rolled her hips in a counterpoint to Gina 's touches , both of them breathing heavily under the heavy rock music coming from the radio . Ari didn 't like having the music ; she wanted to hear Gina 's breathing . She pressed her hand to Gina 's chest , cupping one full breast in her hand as Gina slipped one finger inside of her . She lifted her foot and hooked her leg against Gina 's side , sighing as a second finger joined the first . Gina leaned down to rest her forehead against Ari 's , close enough to look into her eyes if Ari could keep them open longer than a few seconds . Ari felt the skin of her face and chest growing hot , and she lifted her head to kiss Gina hungrily as her muscles tightened around Gina 's twisting fingers . " Faster , " Ari gasped , and Gina began to thrust hard . Ari cried out , trembling violently as she was pushed over the edge , grasping Gina 's arm and holding it in place as she came . She put her arm around Gina 's neck , pulling her down as she fell back to the mattress . The blankets and sheets were tangled underneath her , and she kissed Gina passionately as she explored the curves and plains of her body . Kings of Leon were still singing as Ari rolled them over , settling on top of Gina 's body . She broke the kiss and hooked her thumbs in the waistband of Gina 's panties . " We definitely wasted too much time at the restaurant , " she said with a devious grin . She slid down , kissing Gina 's breasts and stomach as she moved lower . She pushed the flimsy underwear down and Gina lifted her legs so Ari could take them all the way off . Ari pushed Gina 's legs apart , wet her lips with a pass of her tongue , and looked into Gina 's eyes as she lowered her head . First a kiss to the thighs , and then brushing her lips through the thin patch of dark hair between her legs . She kept her eyes locked on Gina 's as much as possible , her hands on Gina 's thighs , and Gina reached down and laced their fingers together as Ari finally opened her mouth and let her tongue explore . Gina guided Ari by squeezing her hand , sighing and arching her back , using her body as a rudder guiding a sailboat on a gentle sea . Ari accepted the gentle instruction and soon Gina was rocking her lower body against her lips . Ari squeezed Gina 's hand , her tongue withdrawing to flick against the erect bud of Gina 's clitoris . She sucked it into her mouth , and Gina cried out and pressed herself hard against Ari 's mouth . Ari liked sleeping in other people 's beds . Gina was curled up on the other side of the bed , having slipped into a doze after her third orgasm . Ari lay next to her , lightly stroking Gina 's back as she stared at the ceiling . She was still naked and wrapped only in the sheet , but she wasn 't cold . Being in someone else 's bed was like being in a hotel room , only better . It was a chance to see how someone else lived . This was the spot where Gina Lansdowne spent her nights . This was the first place she was when she woke in the morning . " Yeah . Ariadne , right . " She cleared her throat and pushed her hair out of her face . " Sorry . I … weird dream , or something . Sorry . I 'm just going to get some water . Want anything ? " " No , " Gina said . She took off her robe and crawled back under the blankets . " I think I 'm done for the night , but stay . Until morning , please . " " Okay , " Ari said . She put her arms around Gina and drew her close , letting Gina lay her head against her chest . She stroked Gina 's hair until she fell asleep , and Ari dozed off a few minutes later . The next morning , Ari woke as Gina was already out of bed and getting dressed . She sat up , pushed her hair out of her face , and blinked as she watched Gina put on a white blouse with a wide collar . " Thought you were still off for the holiday , " Ari said . Gina turned and smiled . " I am . Morning . " She knelt on the edge of the bed and leaned forward to kiss Ari . Ari , aware of her morning breath , offered the corner of her closed mouth until she could get acquainted with some toothpaste . " I need to run some errands , and I prefer to get them out of the way in the morning so I have the day free . You 're welcome to crash for a little bit if you want … " " I won 't take long , " Ari said . She wrapped the sheet around herself as she climbed out of bed . She was nearly to the bathroom door when Gina stopped her . " I 'm not much of a cook , but breakfast is pretty hard to screw up . I have eggs and stuff , oatmeal , toast . Well , I mean , I have bread . But I can make it into toast . " Gina nodded , smiled , and Ari went into the bathroom and found the towels where Gina said . She was used to her building and the hot water that ran out after three minutes , so she luxuriated as she washed her hair and washed off the sweat from the night before . She was sore in several places where she hadn 't been sore in a while , and she smiled as she let the shower massage the aches away . Her last ' night out ' had been six months earlier , right before she broke up with Diana Rios . Relationships sucked with a secret as big as Ari 's . " I 'm a canidae and I spend a large amount of time as a four - legged wolf " wasn 't exactly a first - date kind of conversation . Then it became a matter of trying to decide when to break the news ; if she waited too long , it was a bomb dropped in the middle of the relationship . If she revealed it too early , she risked running off a potential girlfriend . And then there were the varying reactions to the news . She 'd received the entire gamut , from the religious nut who tried to exorcise her to the woman whose eyes had sparkled as she started talking about collars they could buy . Ari admitted she had been a pet in her life , during a sad and desperate time during her teens , but she would never go that route again . She washed her hair and stepped out of the bath . There was a robe hanging on the back of the door and she slipped into it to get her clothes from the bedroom . She dressed quickly and took the opportunity to examine the apartment . The bedroom was separated from the rest of the apartment by a sliding partition , which Gina had decorated with prints of sailboats . The living room and the kitchen were all part of the same space , and Gina looked up as Ari came into the main room . " Thanks , " Ari said . She picked up her plate and sat at the short counter between the kitchen and the couch . She picked up a piece of bacon , perfectly crisp , and took a bite . " Your shower is amazing . " " I 'm pretty fond of it . " She bit her bottom lip and leaned against the counter . " I 'm never exactly sure when to bring this up . Last night obviously went pretty well . " Gina blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear . " So . Uh … I - I guess a second date won 't be out of the question ? " Ari smiled and sat down to finish her breakfast . She watched Gina turn back to the stove , running her eyes down Gina 's body . If their second date went as well as the first , she could see herself revealing her deep dark secret much quicker than usual . She just hoped Gina didn 't hear the news and run away . Dale stood up , smoothing down her skirt as she rounded the edge of the desk . She crossed her arms and looked Ari over . " You 're wearing a blouse that is far too nice for work . It 's beautiful , by the way . " " You have breakfast from McDonalds , but it 's a small sack . Only one breakfast . And you wouldn 't buy something just for yourself , so it must be for me as a peace offering . I can only deduce that you 're bailing on the movie this weekend . " " I didn 't finish my deducing , " Dale said . " You 're bailing on the movies because you have other plans . That can only mean you have a date , which means that last night 's date went really well . And that brings us back to the fact you 're wearing the same outfit you wore on last night 's date . Gina the secretary ? " " Sometimes I request that . If we 're doing a role play thing . " Dale went back to her chair and sat down . Ari took the client seat in the waiting area as Dale unwrapped her breakfast biscuit . " You think she 's worthy of the secret ? " Ari grunted and shook her head . " I don 't know . She 's worthy of a second date , at least . I 'll make a decision about it sometime during the third date . " Dale picked up a handful of memo sheets as she took a bite of her biscuit . Ari took the stack and looked through them . " You could have just said ' nothing but bills . ' Geez . I hate this stuff . " " That last one is a potential job . Emerald City Storage is going to shut down soon , so the past two weeks they 've been having people come in and clear out their units . Turns out , a bunch of stuff has shown up missing . They hired some security guards to watch the place , but they haven 't seen anything . The owner thinks it might be an inside job , so he wants to us keep an eye on things without making our presence known . " " If we start tonight , that 'll give us four days to tackle it . Shouldn 't be too hard . " She put the Emerald City notice down to deal with later , and rested her chin on one hand . " So . Where are you taking Ms . Lansdowne on your second date ? " Dale shrugged . " I bought the movie tickets online , so they 're not refundable . If push comes to shove , you can take those and reimburse me . " Emerald City Storage was the last storage facility on a road that had five other warehouses . They advertised their prices on the side of the building that faced the highway . Dale drove down the access road that led to the back of the property , and parked on a stretch of gravel that stood between the chain link fence and an overgrown patch of brush . She turned on the car 's dome light and turned to face Ari . " You have everything you need ? " Ari picked up her bag off the floor and unzipped it . There was a change of clothes , if she needed to make a quick getaway on two feet , a flashlight , energy bars , and a first - aid kit . Her cell phone was tucked into the pocket of her folded pants . " Yeah , looks like it . You 'll be around ? " " All right , " Ari said . She opened the door and stepped outside . She shuddered in the burst of cold air and took off her trenchcoat , standing naked under the harsh security light at the back corner of the property . She put the coat on the passenger seat she 'd just vacated and took her bag . She hooked it on her shoulder and said , " Okay . See you in the morning , if not before . " " I 'll be fine , " Ari said . " I 'll have my fur coat on . " She winked and shut the car door , stepping away so Dale could back up and drive back to the road . Once she was alone , Ari stuck her emergency bag in the corner of the fence , where it would be protected from the wind and any stray animals that were wandering around in the brush . She stretched and closed her eyes , rolled her neck , and let the change come over her . She hadn 't changed in over a week , since before Christmas . Her marathon of transformations during the Jordan Hawkins case had left her feeling weak , like she 'd taken a nap on the Indy 500 track . The part of her consciousness she called her " dog brain " was strong , and it took an effort to push past it and focus on her job . There was a myriad of interesting smells around her , coming from the trees and brush that backed up against the property . There was a raccoon in there somewhere , and Ari itched to chase it . But instead she focused on the fence . There was a way in . That was why Dale had dropped her here . They planned it all out . If she could only remember . There was a gap between two sections of fence , and Ari slipped through it . The storage units were set up in five identical buildings , slanted at a forty - five degree angle so their doors couldn 't easily be seen from the street . There were two other buildings , a front office and a garage , at the front of the property . Ari stayed near the fence and trotted south . Her nails clacked on the pavement , and she thought about getting another manicure . What was the point if she was just going to tap them against concrete ? Her mind wandered to Gina . How would she answer if Gina asked how work was ? Oh , fine . I spent the night as a wolf wandering a storage unit that may or may not get robbed . How was your week ? The garage was where unit owners were allowed to keep their cars . Ari made her way over to that section , lifting her head to look at the cameras she passed . They were mounted on the corners of each building , turned to look down the wide aisles . The way the cameras were set up , security would have four different angles of someone trying to break into any of the units . According to the man who called , eight units had been broken into over the course of two weeks , and the cameras hadn 't seen anything . Now that she 'd seen the set - up , Ari had to admit an inside job was looking like the most likely explanation . She walked past the garage , looking at the cars covered by tarps in a variety of colors . There was a light on in the front office , so she headed in that direction . She walked around to the front of the office where a large window looked toward the facility 's main entrance . The blinds were open , and Ari stood on her hind legs with her front paws on the sill so she could take a peek inside . A tall , balding man sat behind the desk , a telephone receiver pinned between his ear and shoulder . The glow of the computer screen reflected in his glasses , making it look like he had flickering round lights in place of his eyes . As he spoke , he reached over and shut off the computer monitor , then reached for the lamp . Ari dropped back to the pavement and moved to a spot where she couldn 't be seen . The manager stepped outside , locked the door , and rattled the handle before he walked to the employee parking area . His VW bug was the only car left under the awning , so Ari stayed out of sight until he drove out to the main road . He parked just long enough to go back and lock the gate behind him . He tested the chain , looked through the gate one last time , and went back to his car . Alone , Ari stretched and looked around the property . Even if the thief was someone on - staff , she doubted they would use the front entrance for their nocturnal activities . She picked a direction at random and began walking her rounds . All dogs can 't go to heaven , because dogs are violent racists . Ari had come to the conclusion after one of her first nights spent in her wolf form . Her transformed mind was a complex thing , a mixture of wolf and dog and human , and she 'd never been able to quite pinpoint what was the predominant . She knew that physically she could pass for a domestic pet , but she was technically a wolf . But it became apparent whenever the dog took over . The racist part came in whenever a cat was in the picture . It didn 't have to be doing anything wrong , it didn 't have to be trespassing on a dog 's property , it just had to be feline . Ari had nothing against cats when she was human , but once the wolf took over , she felt a deep - seated hatred toward anything that meowed . She had stretched out in the garage to doze , sure that anyone breaking in would cause enough noise to wake her up . The next thing she knew , she was wide awake and running across the pavement like her life depended on it . She was snarling , a bark caught in her throat and coming out only as a low growl . The small yellow cat she was pursuing leapt for the fence . It landed on the top bar with the precision of an acrobat , hovering underneath the first coil of barbed wire , looked over its shoulder , and leapt for the ground on the other side . It landed with a sort of harsh grace ; a thick thump followed by an immediate dash toward the trees . Ari hit the fence , her bark finally coming through loud and clear as she paced along the inside of the fence . She didn 't know what she planned to do with the cat , or what the cat had done to prompt the chase . It had probably come within ten feet of her , which called for the death penalty in her dog brain . With the cat gone and her human brain more fully awake , she was able to push down the rage and fury to focus on her job . She patrolled the grounds again , wondering where Dale was . When Ari had to be somewhere all night , Dale liked to make sure she was available for a potential rescue . There was an all - night diner not far from the storage facility . Maybe she was having some coffee and reading the information from the customers who 'd had stuff stolen from the facility so far . It would be nice if there was some kind of pattern to the thefts . Ari 's mind made the natural progression from Dale to Gina . As late as it was , she was probably already in bed . Ari really liked Gina . If their date had ended at dinner , she would have still considered it a success . Gina was smart , funny , a bit shy , self - deprecating . She sometimes apologized for things that she had no control over - the temperature of the restaurant or the slowness of the waiter - but that could be chalked up to first date jitters . Ari was terrified of her secret . It was like disclosing that she had a disease or a bizarre fetish . There was a very small window of opportunity where she could reveal it without causing drama , and she 'd pushed the limits of that window several times in the past . She didn 't want to lose Gina , but she also didn 't want to lie to her . She would have to use their second date to feel her out and try to gauge how she would react to the truth . The next morning , Dale picked up a shivering and exhausted Ari with a steaming cup of coffee already waiting for her in the cup holder . She was dressed in the clothes from her emergency pack , and she asked Dale to drop her at home so she could change into something more professional . She also wanted to grab a few minutes of sleep before going back into the office . The entire night had been a bust , so she would have to do it all over again that night . The thought made her want to cry . Her nap was cut short by a soft knock on the door . She frowned as she reluctantly unfolded from the couch , confused by how quiet the knock was . It sounded as if whoever was on the other side was only knocking out of courtesy and hoping against hope it wouldn 't be heard so they could leave without seeing her . She pushed her hair out of her face and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror next to the door . She was still wearing the sweats from her emergency pack , and her face was creased from the couch cushion . She unlocked the door as she looked through the peephole . Her mood brightened considerably , and she pulled the door open with a smile . " Gina , hey . " " Fine . Tired . I didn 't get much sleep last night . " She reached out and brushed her finger over the back of Gina 's hand . " Or the night before . " Gina smiled and dipped her chin , smiling bashfully . " I was a little worried . I tried calling you a couple of times last night and you never answered . " Ari looked over her shoulder at her cell phone . She hadn 't even checked it for voicemail . " Oh , sorry . I was on a job last night . Is everything okay ? " " Oh , yeah . Everything 's fine . I just … missed you last night . " She bit her bottom lip . " I was wondering if you wanted to come over . " " No , no , " Gina said . " I meant that 's why I was calling . I have to go in to work today . But it 's good to know we have a rain check . " " Thanks , " Ari said . " Tonight 's probably going to be another long one . I 'll call you before I turn off my phone to say goodnight . " Ari took the initiative and stepped out of her apartment . She put her hand on Gina 's shoulder to keep her from retreating and kissed her . " Thank you for coming over . I 'm sure I 'll have sweet dreams now . " Ari nodded . " Yeah . " She waited until Gina was down the stairs before she returned to her apartment and shut the door . She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes . Gina was sweet , kind , beautiful , and the kind of person Ari could see herself falling for . But those qualities also indicated she wouldn 't be able to handle Ari 's secret . She ran her hand through her hair , grunted , and decided to deal with the problem when she had gotten a bit more sleep . Ari winced , shrugging out of her jacket as she came into the office . She waved to Dale , who rolled her eyes in response and gestured at the phone . Ari felt bad for her ; ' sir ' meant boss . She avoided jobs with bosses , which is why she 'd jumped on the idea of the agency . Unfortunately , no one ever told her that sometimes the private investigator 's client became the boss . This sounded like one of those times . " I understand that , " Dale continued . " But we 've had the facility under observation for the past three nights . We have no idea when the thefts occurred . Whoever was breaking in may have gotten everything they needed . No , I don 't think … no . I don 't think we scared him off . I can assure you , no one has seen our stake - out . Has your manager mentioned seeing us ? " She sighed and mimicked choking someone with her free hand . " I assure you , we are there … " Ari rolled her eyes . " I 'll skip the fact you 're calling us liars and cheats and assure you that isn 't the case . Your manager leaves the premises every night between 9 : 05 and 9 : 18 . He drives a green Volkswagen and he hums to himself when he locks the gate . There 's a yellow cat that likes to get in and harass the stray dog that 's been hanging around your property . " " You have sixty - five units , thirty - eight of which are currently rented . The garage has eight cars in it . I haven 't had a chance to look under their tarps , but if you 'd like a list of their makes and models , I 'd be more than happy to - " " No , " Kozak said reluctantly . " All right . Fine . But if you don 't bring me solid information on this damn thief by the end of the weekend , I 'll be forced to release you from the case . " " That would be fine , Mr . Kozak . We 'll be back at the job tomorrow night , and Sunday if we have to . Unfortunately , not finding anything is not a reason - " " Thank you , Mr . Kozak . Happy n - " The sound of the call being disconnected cut her off , and she shrugged as she handed the phone back to Dale . " Happy new year . Sorry you have to deal with guys like that . " " You spend a week sleeping on the pavement , I talk to jerks like Guy Kovak . I mean , Guy ? Why not just name your kid Boy ? Are they pushing him to grow up to be a used car salesman ? " Ari nodded and went into her office . Dale followed . " No problem . Anything come up this morning ? " A side effect of her surveillance meant that she had started sleeping away her mornings and coming in to work sometime in the afternoon . It made her days feel almost unbearably lopsided . " You can 't keep avoiding her , Ari . And you just promised Kozak we 'd be working tomorrow night if the thief doesn 't strike tonight . Wasn 't that supposed to be your second date ? " " It was great , " Ari said . " It 's borderline great . She 's wonderful . But the things that make me want to keep seeing her are the same reasons I don 't think she can handle the wolf . " " I know , " Ari said . She sat down and looked at her blank computer screen . " I 'll call her tonight , set up a lunch date . I 'll break it off with her then . " " Love me , love my dog , " Ari said . " If I wait too long , it 'll be a brick wall . We 'll slam into it and never recover . " Dale rubbed her hands together . " Ari , when I was twenty , I dated a girl with HIV . She told me on the first date . We worked around it . We made it work . " " It 's a secret about a big part of who you are . It 's something that will affect your entire relationship with this woman . I think it 's similar . " " We worked it out , and we dated for a year . And yeah , it ended up not working out , but it was fun while it lasted . I wouldn 't trade that for anything . Don 't use the wolf as an excuse to get out of the relationship . If you like Gina , if you think it 's going somewhere , you deserve to give it a shot . You deserve to give her a chance to accept you for who you are . She might surprise you . " Ari leaned back in her chair and looked at the big clock hanging on the wall . The second hand made a complete revolution , and she decided there was no point in putting it off any longer . She would call Gina , move their date to the afternoon , and prepare for one of the most difficult conversations she 'd ever been a part of . She would almost rather have the break - up conversation . At least then she could be reasonably assured of what Gina 's reaction would be . With this , there was any number of potential outcomes . Few of them good . After almost a week , Ari knew the storage facility 's lot by heart . She wandered up and down the aisles , stopping occasionally to sit and stare so anyone watching the security footage would assume she was just a normal stray . She was exhausted , sick of staying up all night and sleeping the day away . Her mind wandered , bouncing from subject to subject as she moved by rote . Hey , Gina . Listen , before we go on our next date , there 's something I should probably tell you . I 'm canidae , which is more commonly called a werewolf . I change into a wolf whenever the mood strikes . It breaks all my bones and reforms them , so it hurts like a son of a bitch , but it comes in handy with my job . The manager had left the desk light on , and Ari could see the glow through the window . She rose onto her back legs and looked into the office . Seeing it was unoccupied , she continued her rounds . She went to the back of the property to see if the cat had returned . She didn 't know what the cat kept coming back for ; it wasn 't like there was food or anything . Maybe it had a back way into the storage units . There 's a whole range of were animals in the world . My kind is the most common , of course , since they show up in all kinds of stories and movies . But there are also werecats - Her mind wandered again , wondering if there was any way to pin the break - ins on that dumbass stupid trespassing cat . She shook her head , knowing the wolf was influencing her thoughts . She needed to put Gina out of her mind and focus on the job at hand , no matter how boring it had gotten in the past few days . She finished the energy bar and walked back to the front of the property . She froze when she saw a truck parked on the other side of the gate . A man was standing between the beams of the headlights , bent forward to work the lock . Ari backed up into the shadows , lowering her front legs until she was in a pouncing position . The lock came free , and the man pushed the gate open before he went back to his truck . He drove inside , stopped , and went back to shut the gate so no one would see it standing open in the middle of the night . He left the truck idling where it was and walked to the main office . He had a key , and he let himself in without any hesitation . Ari watched from the window as the man went through the main office to a small room in the back . He was gone for less than a minute before he returned with a key ring . Ari dropped from the window and crouched in the shadows when he walked back to his truck . He was easy to follow . He parked at the end of an aisle , pulled in close to the building so the truck would be less visible from the main road . All the unit doors had a padlock on the right hand side , and the man used the keys to unlock the latch for Unit # 24 . He pushed up the door and turned on the twin fluorescent lights . As he went inside , he dropped the padlock on the ground . Ari looked at the man 's truck . It was empty , which implied he was working alone . Ari had thought so much when he opened and closed the gate on his own , but it was nice to have confirmation . She looked back at the man and saw that he had moved on to a second box . She looked up and saw there was a leather loop hanging from the bottom of the unit 's door . The padlock was lying a few inches on the outside of the unit . She didn 't wait to see if a better plan formed . She rushed forward and leapt , grabbing hold of the leather loop with her teeth . When she dropped , she pulled the door down with her . At the sound of the door dropping , the man spun around from his crouched position . " Hey ! " He tried to stand , but his feet got tangled and he fell face - first onto the concrete floor as Ari got the door to the ground . Ari spun and grabbed the padlock with her teeth , standing on her hind legs to try and slip it into the hasp . She only had a few seconds , and precision wasn 't her strong suit . She managed to get the padlock hooked just as the door jerked upward . The hasp rattled but , even unlocked , the padlock wouldn 't let it rise more than an inch or two . Ari eyed the padlock and tried to work out a way to get it locked in her current form . Without opposable thumbs , it would be difficult but not impossible . If she changed back into a human just to push the padlock shut , she wouldn 't be able to slip through the fence to get her clothes . She decided it wouldn 't be worth the trouble if the thief was trapped even without the lock being secured . She watched the door rattle , and the man shouted in futility from inside . She heard him banging on the door and then he tried lifting it again . The padlock caught on the hasp and refused to budge . Confident he was well and truly trapped , Ari ran to the back fence and squeezed through the opening . She knelt next to her bag and closed her eyes , bowing her head as she began the change . Her skin rippled , the hair retracting and her bones cracking and groaning as they took on another shape . Her fingers curled in the dirt , and she bared her teeth from the effort of holding back a shout of pain . Once she was fully human again , and pulled her emergency bag out of its cubby hole and found her cell phone . She leaned against the fence , holding the bag to cover herself until she had the strength to put on her clothes . She dialed Dale 's number and closed her eyes as the phone rang in her ear . " Everything 's fine , " Ari said . She sighed and looked up at the sky . She could still hear the thief trying to open the door behind her . " We have ourselves a thief . Call Kozak and tell him to get down here before the guy gets away . " " Okay . " Ari hung up the phone and tucked it into her bag . The night was cold , but it felt good on her bare skin . She reached up and squeezed her shoulder at the point where it met her neck . She didn 't know how her shoulders could hurt ; when she was in the wolf form , she didn 't really have shoulders to speak of . Maybe the effort of creating them was what caused the pain . As she massaged the aching muscles , she saw movement out of the corner of her eye . The small yellow cat was standing at the edge of the tree line , body tensed to run but its head raised in curiosity . Ari moved slowly , dropping her hand to the bag while holding eye contact with her former nemesis . The cat shifted its weight to the back legs , ready to flee . " Kitty , " Ari said . She held up the granola bar she 'd retrieved from the bag and held it up so the cat could see what it was . Stray or not , the cat definitely knew food when it was offered . Ari carefully removed the wrapper , then tore off half the bar and tossed it gently toward the cat . The cat took a few steps back , but watched to make sure where the food landed . The Emerald City thief was the manager 's son , a lay - about who worked at the facility part - time helping people move stuff into their units . He kept track of which unit had what stuff , and used it as a one - stop shopping . He would put the security cameras on a loop and use the keys to get in and out of the units without leaving a trace . He 'd been doing it for months and , when he discovered the facility would be shutting down in a few months , he 'd panicked . He waited as long as he could before he went in for one final payday . Dale arrived fifteen minutes before Kozak , giving them time to get their stories straight . According to the official story , Ari had been staked out in the back lot and spotted the truck at the front gate . She slipped inside behind the truck and followed the thief to the storage unit . Instead of confronting him , she simply locked the door with him inside and called Kozak to let him know the job was done . " Hey , " Dale said . " You want to go ? I can take care of the paperwork and nonsense . You have a big talk ahead of you this afternoon . " " I 'll be fine , " Ari said . " Besides , the guy got caught red - handed . He put the cameras on a loop when he grabbed the keys , so no one saw that it was the wolf that locked him in . We 'll be done in time for breakfast , and then I 'll head home and catch some sleep before meeting Gina for lunch . " " Semantics , " Dale said . She smiled and twisted to look out the back window . The manager 's son was hunkered in the backseat of a police car , and Kozak was speaking to the arresting officer . Every few seconds , he jabbed his finger in the kid 's direction . Ari shrugged . " No way to prove it . His word against his son 's , if his son tries to bring him down , too . Not our problem . " They had arranged to meet at a café near the office , but Ari was running late due to an impromptu nap on the couch . Dale assured her that she still looked radiant , and Ari had to take her word for it . As she crossed the street , she saw Gina sitting by the window of the café , her hands folded in front of her , looking out at the pedestrians . Ari caught her eye , and Gina 's face completely changed . Her eyes brightened , and her lips pulled up into a wide grin . She straightened in her seat and lifted one hand in a meek wave . Ari remembered the mischievous twinkle when they first met , smiling wistfully as she sat down across from Gina . " Sorry . It 's been a crazy week . Not a lot of sleep . " " I understand , " Gina said . " I don 't mind waiting . You said you had something you wanted to talk about . It sounded pretty big . Do you want something to drink ? " " No . Uh , yeah , coffee . " Gina signaled the waitress , who came over and took Ari 's order . When she hurried off , Ari looked down at the table and ran her thumb over a scuff mark . Gina reached across the table and put her hand on Ari 's forearm . " Hey . Whatever it is you have to say , you can tell me . " " I don 't know . You probably don 't know her yet . You 're waiting for a relationship . And there 's no reason you shouldn 't ; you deserve one . You deserve someone who won 't cancel dates and who won 't leave you waiting in a café . Someone you can count on . That 's not me . It 'll never be me . " She looked up and saw that Gina 's expression was hurt and confused . She winced and looked away as the waitress brought Ari 's coffee . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't plan to say all of that . " Ari shook her head . " It 's not that . I thought I was ready for something like that , but I 'm not . I don 't know when I will be . It wouldn 't be fair to string you along until I made my decision . " Gina shook her head and looked down at her hands . " So this is the fair version ? God , I 'd hate to see the mean - spirited one . " Gina stopped , her head down so she couldn 't look into Ari 's eyes . " You just told me to go , Ariadne . I don 't think anything else has to be said . " Gina said , " Just cut it out . Okay ? Anything you say from here on is just an excuse to make you feel better . I don 't have to be here for that . So if you don 't mind … " Ari stayed where she was for another few seconds , but then she stepped out of the way . Gina brushed past her and stormed from the restaurant . Ari was suddenly aware that everyone in the café was either staring at her , or pretending they hadn 't noticed the scene . Ari ignored them as she dropped some money on the table to pay for her untouched coffee and followed Gina outside . She looked up and down the street , but Gina had already disappeared into the crowd . Ari shook her head . She 'd managed to keep from crying in the café , and the entire way home . But for some reason , seeing that expression on Dale 's face threatened to push her over the edge . She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth and choked back a sob as Dale came around the desk and embraced her . Ari wanted to tell her the truth ; that Gina was the one who deserved condolences . If Dale knew what had really happened , she 'd be offering a slap instead of a hug . But Ari couldn 't bring herself to reveal what a bitch she had been , so she put her arms around Dale and pressed her face against the shoulder of Dale 's blouse before she finally let her tears fall . |
Introduction : This is my first attempt at writing , well , anything . I apologize if it 's terrible . It has a slow start , if you want to get to some sex , just wait for the next part to be posted , I promise it 'll be much more raunchy . Desmond had lived an idylic life , and he was well aware of it . He had grown up with caring parents , both working , and each considered succesful in their work . He spent most of his childhood alone , but he understood , he tried to be reasonable . They worked , he went to school , they had family dinners almost every night and their family vacations were always fun and relaxing for everyone . They had petty fights like all families do , but he was blessed . Then he turned 14 . The perfect family fell apart around him . He found his mother with a man , who was not his father , in their bed when he came home from a friend 's house instead of staying the night . That was a bit of shock , and as soon as he found out , both he and his mother , and eventually his father , knew what was going to happen . His father filed for divorce , it wasn 't messy , but instead of having their son around to see a ruined family , both parents decided it would be best if he was sent off to a boarding school . Desmond liked that idea , he couldn 't look at either of his parents the same way anymore . It had come out that his mother was not the only one with " marital indescrestions " . They could afford it , and because both parents had worked the entire time they were married , it wasn 't a horribly messy divorce . As clean as something like that can be , of course . So , for the next three years , Desmond was sent from his hometown of Chicago , to a boarding school in Minnisota . By the time he was interested in persuing a post - secondary education , he realized it perhaps was for the best . Sure , his family life was shot , but he had an impressive college application checklist . The boarding school insured that . Hard work , but it boasted something like a 92 % chance of your child being accepted into one of their top three choices for College . Or so the brochure that Desmond has seen on his first trip there . And at school he spent the entire next three years , not wanting to have strife caused by " picking favorites " , he , dealing with the situation much better then his parents had expected , made the choice to live away from any family for the three years he was there . Now a 17 year old young man with a bright future ahead of him , he aspired to be an Investment Banker . His parents had encouraged at least a tangental knowledge of finance growing up , and once his teachers had figured this out , the encouraged him . Headed to USC in the Fall for a degree in Finance , Desmond had the whole world infront of him . Having taken summer classes , Desmond had graduated a year early , and had registered in classes and been for a campus walk around and , for the first time in three years , was truely happy and excited about life . Flagging down a taxi , he threw his suitcase in the trunk and kept his shoulder bag with him as he slid into the back seat . Checking his smartphone he read off the address his father had e - mailed him months before to the Russian cab driver . As he rode towards his father 's appartment building , he forgot how much he had missed the big city in his time away . Sure , Chicago wasn 't a perfect city , he seemed obsessed with gunmetal grey everything , including the weather , but Desmond loved the thriving life that he saw with the people walking , the bright lights and street performers let him forget how utterly alone he felt . Now Desmond had seen numerous councilors at his boarding school in Minnisota , but he highly suspected that after the intial few meetings , it was mainly so that they could feel useful . They asked him questions about how he felt finding his mother , or about his parents divorce , or their eventual re - marriages . He answered all their questions , and then had been informed that he was , mentally at least , " in my opinion , quite resiliant " . The psychiatrist had then went on to talk about how fascinating his reserach was about children and their ability to rebound much faster then adults . Desmond had pretended to be interested . Actually , he had spent most of his previous three years feigning interest , except for in his intro economics courses . Math was , while useful , quite boring , he did not care about History and none of the Sciences had really caught his interest . HePaying the driver , Desmond grabbed his bag out of the back and looked up at the looming building infront of him . He called his father and waited as he came down to the lobby . Upon seeing him his father , Paul , visibly fought back tears as he grabbed his son into a long embrace . Whipping his eyes he said , " Desmond , I . . . I 'm just so happy to see you ! Let 's get you upstairs , time to meet Janis ! " Janis , as it turned out , was the same age as his father , 47 , and honestly was quite a plain women . Average weight , average length , dull , brown hair with brown eyes . Standing at 5 ' 6 " , she was pretty damn near the average height too . She was polite , asking Desmond about his flight , clearly she was uncomfortable . Desmond , luckily , had learnt living at a boarding school how to be disarming . Soon she had warmed up a bit and turned out to be quite an intelligent and witty women . Desmond could see how Paul had grown to like this women , as he still held the , perhaps childish , belief that his biological parents always loved each other . As it became later , Janis said her goodnights and retired to leave father and son to talk , alone . He had breakfast with both Janis and Paul at a bistro they frequented before work . He was a rushed affair and , when they finished , Paul and Desmond walked back and embraced as Paul went off the work and Desmond started walking toward the subway station with his suitcase and shoulder bag . He transfered twice and then took a 15 minute cab ride to his mother 's new house . It was in a neighbourhood much like the one he grew up in , and had to check his location three times on his phone to make sure it was NOT where he had grown up . He was hit by huge nostalgia as he walked up the drive way past a newer model Dodge Caravan , the one he 'd grown up with , and a BMW X - 5 , esentially a nicer , and newer version , of the SUV his family had owned when he 'd left . Desmond stopped before the door to compose himself . He was wearing the same dark wash jeans he had when he stepped off the plane , and a fresh white and blue striped dress shirt undone , with a white shirt underneath . He thought it was at least some what stylish . Janis had said nice things about how " grown up " he looked . Apparenlty , she wan 't a big fan of band t - shirts . Feeling ready enough , he double checked the address on his smartphone , and rang the doorbell . A short , pudgey boy of about 14 answered the door . The boy looked him up and down , lookiDesmond really didn 't know how to answer this and laughed nervously as he tried to think of a response , thankfully , he was saved from trying to explain to this boy that , surprise , I 'm most likely going to be sharing you roof for the next few months . " Desmond ! " , expclaimed a female voice that Desmond instantly as his mother 's , Mary . " Oh my gosh , my baby ! " , she said with just as much enthusiasm as she started crying and gave him a hug . Desmond wasn 't sure what to expect from his mother , but he supposed that after being seperated he should have seen this coming . Before leaving , he had elected a cold demeanour towards his mother as , at the time , he veiwed the breakup of his family entirely at her front door . Having matured , a bit at least , he realized that he had just been hidden from the signs of a marriage that was hanging by the threads . As Desmond awkward embraced his mother , an older man , whom he assumed was his step - father , came around the corner at full tilt with panic in his voice . " Mary ! Are you . . . " , he trailed off as he saw the two of them . " Oh , sorry . I mean , well , hello Desmond . " His mother did his best to pull herself together to stammer out an introduction between Desmond , and , she explained , her best friend and love , Mark . Desmond stuck out his hand while his mother clung to his left arm . " Hi , I 'm Desmond , it 's good to meet you . " Even he knew it sounded forced . This was the man that he 'd caught his mother in bed , his parent 's bed , with those years earlier . Mark looked just about as embarassed and awkward as he shook back . " I 'm Mark , I really hope that you enjoy your stay , our door is always open to you . " , Mark said , and Desmond caught the look of shock from the short , pudgy boy out of the corner of his eye . Clearly , whoever he was , had not been briefed fully on who this tall stranger that made his mother cry was . This would become clear as Mark continued on , " This is my son , " emphasizing the ' my ' so it was clear there was no blood relation , well duh Desmond thought , that would have been impossible , " his name is Augustus . Say hello son . " The boy clearly didn 't know what to do , and waved awkwardly and introduced himself . Desmond almost laughed when Mark introduced him as Augustus , he thought that he looked exactly like the Augustus he imagined in Willy Wonka 's Chocolate factory , if it had been made up of real people . Desmond managed to smile a fully real smile and said he 'd be happy to get to know him . Augustus took this point in the conversation to retreat to the basement to watch TV , or so Desmond assumed . What else to people do in basements anyways ? As his mother , still clutching his arm , led him around the house giving him a tour of where , she said hopefully , " you 'll be staying until you leave for California ! " She did a very good job of trying to eliminate any kind of awkardness between her and her son . Desmond knew that eventually they 'd have to have a serious talk about what had happened , and what was forgiven , and what was not , just simply ignored for civilities sake . As she led him to a small room , Mary said " This is where you 'll be staying , I mean sleeping . You 're under no pressure to stay here if you don 't want to . I , well , I 'm sure that my whole family would love to have you , " looking meaningfully at Mark . Desmond made a mental note to check just how much " her whole family " actually wanted him around . Maybe they 'll be taken by my charm , Desmond though . He smiled at this fact , as well as his mother 's animated explaination of how they 'd been rushed to get everything ready . He assured her that it was just fine , and set his bags down and followed the two of them to the kitchen . Mark called down to his son and they all shared a meal of ham and cheese sandwhiches . Sitting there , watching this familiy talk , Desmond thought if he felt jealous . He had been Augustus ' age when he 'd left , yet he knew that he had been more mature . Mark 's son was , on first impression , socially awkward , terribly unattractive and quite annoying . Desmond almost feared what his , well he guessed she 'd be his step - sister , would be like . He hoped that she was nothing like her brother . He had no doubt that he would be staying here for the summer , Paul and Janis simply didn 't have the space in appartment , or lives , for Desmond . He was not bitter , he just might not have the relaxing summer he was hoping with if both the children , who he would for his mother , be nice to . Or at least try to . The conversation continued until 5 when Mary started making dinner . Desmond offered to help , or at least watch . " I figure that I should probably at least have some idea of how to turn a stove on when I head off to live on my own , don 't you agree ? " Desmond said , this drew laughts from both adults . So , as all three of the piled into the kitchen , Mark and Desmond mostly just getting in the way , for the next half hour they worked towards whatever it was Mary had in mind . This was then the front door opend and shut , anouncing the final member of the family that Desmond was invading . Less bitter thoughts Desmond ! , he told himself . " I 'm home ! " , proclaimed an attractive sounding voice . Desmond held the belief that just as there were annoying voices , there were attractive sounding voices , and not in the phone sex operated sort of way . Desmond kept his hopes down , at the very least , she wouldn 't sound as annoying as her brother , even if she was as unattractive and annoying . Desmond washed his hands and turned around to dry them so he could properly introduce himself as the newest member of this girl 's step - family , he nearly dropped his jaw at the girl that was standing in the kitchen door way . She stood around 5 ' 5 " , with light brown hair and striking green eyes . She was , to someone as unexperienced with girls as Desmond was , the most beautiful girl he 'd ever met in person . Fighting to not come across super creepy , and gawk , he smiled and extended his hand , " Hey , I 'm Desmond . It sounds weird to say , but I 'm your step - brother , hope this isn 't too much of a surprise . " Thankfully , she laughed and shook his hand firmly and said , " Oh don 't worry , I acually paid attention during Mary 's talks about you , unlike my brother and daddy . I 'm Lumi , it 's great to meet you ! " She smiled brightly and then said her excuses about getting changed out of , what Desmond hadn 't noticed , was just a bikini and shorts . Forcing himself not to stare at the body of her step sister , he turned to continue " helping " his mother with dinner . As they came close to finishing , she asked Desmond to collect the two children , and he smiled , knowing she wanted a moment to talk with Mark about what he needed to say at dinner to encourage all the kids to get along , and then walked over to the stairs to find Augustus . Augustus and Lumi , Desmond though , what odd names , maybe Mark 's previous wife was a hippy or something . Informing Augustus dinner was ready , he turned to head back up the stairs when he heard the younger boy call out , " Just call me Aug , everyone does . It 's a gun , I 'm pretty much as tough as one . " Rolling his eyes , Desmond laughed and said he 's remember to , and hustled up the stairs , and then anoter flight to where the bedrooms where . He carefully wandered down the hall peeking in each room until he reached the last one , he knocked on the wall before , hoping to warn Lumi of his presence . As he looked in , he hadn 't really achieved what he was hoping for , as she had turned at hearing his knock was was just finishing pulling her shirt down and quickly finished , and blushed hard . " Yeah , okay I 'll be right down ! " , she said , sounding angry . As stated , Desmond had pretty much no experience with girls , honestly how he had gotten laid escaped him . So he did exactly what every other sucker does , and apologized , taking full blame , and went back downstairs . He shook his head in wonder as he thought about what he 'd done to upset her , and then his thoughts went to how . . . pleasant the sight of his step - sister 's bare , flat stomache had been . As the family shared dinner , Mark did his due dilligance in trying to find common ground between all the kids , doing his best to seem interested in Desmond 's schooling , both past and future . It was clear he was a little taken back that his daughter and Desmond where the same age , and he then had to explain how he had skipped a grade due to staying at school . " Wasn 't it lonely not to see your fam . . . " , said Lumi , the words dying in her mout , " Oh I 'm so sorry . " Desmond did his best to laugh it off , and every look generally awkward . Thankfully , it was broken by Aug saying he was going back to watch TV . Desmond took this as an opportunity to start doing collecting the dishes , even he knew how to do that from his previous days as a happy family . Cursing his bitter thoughts , he smiled lightly at Lumi as he took her plate , trying to impart a " hey , no hard feelings " kind of idea . When she beamed back at him , he took it as a positve sign . After he and Mark had loaded the dishwasher , Desmond slipped to his room to check his phone , which of course had no messages , he wasn 't really a social butterfly . It made him feel better then standing awkwardly in the kitchen though . As he as setting it back on his bed , his mother walked in . " Hey , Desmond , I know that we 've got a lot to talk about , but I really want you to stay here . I would understand considering that . . . well , you and Mark have a history . " , she said . Biting back bitter laughter , Desmond did his best to smile . " I think that I 'll spend my summer here , I don 't think that Paul and Janis have the room for me . Besides , I always wondered what it would be like to have a family again , I think this is as close as I 'll ever get . " Desmond regretted saying that , as soon as he said it . He hadn 't meant to come across bitter , but he knew how it sounded as he saw his mother try to fight back tears . He sighed , " I 'm sorry Mary , I didn 't mean that to sound so harsh . I just , well I have to adjust to living with people , I just hope you 'll understand , " as he said this , he moved to give embrace his mother in a hug . He knew that more then anything , she needed to say things , but that could come later . She disentagled herself and tried to smile . " I think that Lumi is outside in the yard waiting before she goes out again , I swear she 's never home . Anyways , you should go talk to her , she 's a bright girl , I think you 'll get along . At the very least , she 's more intune to what you like anyways , I 've never been able to keep my iGoogle 's and Gameboxes straight . " Desmond laughed at his mother 's attempt to keep current and said he 'd head out to join his step - sister . He slipped his smartphone into his back pocket and walked into the bathroom to wash his face and . . . good god he was checking his appearence before he went to talk to his step - sister . He tried his best to dismiss what this meant , just trying to make a good impression , I want her to like me . Even he knew this was a lie . God damn hormones , she was your sister , keep your head on straight , boy ! Walking out onto the porch , he slipped his socks off and saw Lumi sitting in one of the five or so chairs out in the grass arranged in a rough semi - circle around an empty fire pit . Now a campfire , he hadn 't had one of those since he 'd gone camping when he was only 12 . He smiled at the memory of Paul trying to make bacon on a fire that kept going out before he finally gave up and let Mary cook it on a propane stove . Realizing he 'd reached the semi - circle , he noticed Lumi had been watching him . " Do you mind if I join you Lumi ? Mary said something about you heading out , I don 't want to bother you if you 're just leaving . " Smooth , Desmond thought , real smooth . Next thing you 'll be asking if she wanted to look at his boy scout badge collection . And then he realized he didn 't have Boy scout badges , and had to laugh to himself . " Yeah , sure , I 've got an hour or so to kill . We should talk , you are staying here all summer right ? Better make sure we don 't hate each other . " Just like that , she 'd managed to lower the awkward level that Desmond had been feeling , and for the next 3 quarters of an hour , they got to know each other , he mainly shared what his last year had been like , and his plans for the future . " Oh , so your goal is to be ' the man ' then ? " , Lumi said jokingly . I had to admit , that 's pretty much what my career aspirations were . She thought about following in her father 's footsteps and becoming an architech . It turns out my mother , the nurse , had a thing for guys that designed things . She got a call at this point , which Desmond actually regretted she got , because it meant she had to go . He realized that he had not even thought of how gorgeous she looked in skinny jeans and a tight fitting tee . Slipping on heeled boots , she said , " Hey , it was good to talk to you . I 'll be honest , I would invite you to come hang out my friends , but it 's a girls night in and . . . well you 're clearly not a girl ! " she said with a mischevious grin . " Haha oh what , I 'm not in touch enough with my feelings ? " , Desmond said laughing , " I know when I 'm being blown off , " upon saying this , Lumi looked at him with a look in her eye he couldn 't understand so he hurridly said " I 'm joking , don 't worry . Have a good time ! " After a pause he added , " You look great . " She looked at him with that same look in her eye and waved as she hustled out to meet the honking horn in the front . After this , Desmond went to bed after writing a quick e - mail to his father about staying with Mary and her family . Waking at 8AM again , Desmond heard the house silent , it was after all a Saturday , he should have expected as much . So , instead of wasting the hours he was awake , he slipped into his running gear , jammed in his headphones , and slipped out the backdoor as not to leave the front unlocked . He realized it wasn 't the best plan , but it would have to do for now . He jogged for abou 45 minutes , and by the time he re - opened the back door , he walked in to see Mary and Mark having a breakfast of oatmeal and berries . They asked after his sleep and run , and then directed him to where he could find towels for the shower downstairs . After a quick shower and shave , Desmond wrapped a towel around his waist as he had forgotten a change of clothes . Cursing himself , he grabbed his dirty clothes and opened to door to see Lumi walking down the hallway . He blushed , hard , and mumbled an apology as he scurried into his room . Breathing a sigh of relief as he shut the door , he looked at the thin mirror that had been set up across from his bed . He supposed he was attractive , and had nothing really to be ashamed of being seen half naked . He nearly hit himself in the head trying to get the less - then - pure thoughts of his step - sister out of his head . He was hoping the run would help get it out of his system , but was wrong , all it did was fire his damn hormones up even more . Getting dressed , he pulled on a lighter wash jeans , and a plain , grey tee . He realized he 'd have to go shopping at some point , he only had 6 shirts and two pairs of jeans . That was more then enough during his time at school where for 5 days a week , every week for the last three years , he 'd doned the school uniform . It was dress shoes , dress pants , a dress shirt , and a stupid sweater vest with the school insignia on the breast . It had been an all boys school , and at first , Desmond has resented the uniform , but it just made life easier . One less thing to worry about and all that . The weekend came and went , filled with Aug watching TV in the basement during all 12 of his waking hours , excluding breif forays to come up for snacks and meals , and Mark and Mary chatting away about . . . whatever married couples chat about . Lumi was , for the most part , absent . She had just gotten of school , same as Desmond , as was enjoying this newfound spare time , while he on the other hand , had no idea what to do with so much of it . He had read the book he had bought for the plane ride twice already , and looked through the entire USC website probably 6 times . He needed something to do , badly . It was about 1030 AM when Lumi groggily stumbled down the stairs for breakfast on Monday morning , and smiled when she saw Desmond at the table . " Well , I 've gotten up at 7AM for the last three years . Everyday . I 'm over sleeping by an hour , give me some time to adjust to ' normal ' sleeping times . " Desmond said laughing . She joined in as she poured herself some ceral and milk . " So , " Lumi said between bites , " my friends and I , not all of them are girls this time , are going shopping in an hour , do you want to come ? I noticed you kind of . . . well you really don 't have anything to wear . And we wouldn 't want you always in a towel now , would we ? " , she added , with that same unplaceable look in her eye . Desmond thought it might be . . . almost sizing him up . Or maybe he was just imagining things . " I 'd love to , and as much as I enjoy being half naked , I don 't really think this is the place for it . " Desmond said , trying to see if he could illict that same look , which he did , " Besides , considering you 're the only girl , actually person , I 've held a conversation that wasn 't about school for the last three years , maybe social interaction is a good thing . " He purposfully didn 't mention that he had actually whispered in the girl 's , Marilyn was her name , ear before they 'd snuck off to have sex in her car . It didn 't count as conversation , and he wasn 't sure where Lumi stood on the sex issue , so he decided to not brooch it just yet . So they went shopping , it was mostly uneventful , Desmond met some of Lumi friends . Among them was a bullish young man that was a year older then them , headed to a Div II school for football that happened to be Lumi 's current boyfriend . His name was Steve , Desmond thought very little of him , but he could see why girls would like him . He was well muscled , with a below average face and far below average intelligence . Desmond doubted he 'd scored high enough on the SATs to get into college . While they were riding on the subway back from the mall , Desmond laden with bags , and the girls somehow equally laden , one short redhead , Lauryn spoke directly to Desmond . " So Desmond , I hear that you grew up around here . What deprived out high school of somone so . . . intelligent as your self ? " , she said slyly . Desmond figured she had been flirting with him , at least she spent the most time quite close to him . As she said this , Lumi 's eyes widened , clearly the story had not been told , and she didn 't think it should be . Desmond took the hint . " Oh , my parents decided when I was younger that I needed to get away from distractions , such as girls like you , " Desmond added looking directly into Lauryn 's eyes , " and spend more time studying , " he added with laugh . A look of relief passed over Lumi 's face , Desmond made a mental note to ask her about what he shouldn 't share with her friend 's . As everyone left , Desmond and Lumi walked home after Steve and her and very . . . obviously made out for just a few seconds too long . Desmond realized that Steve was trying to send a message , like ' hands off ' . Desmond just shook his head and laughed at the thought , she was his step - sister , wasn 't that implied ? As they walked back , Desmond asked her about what her look of panic was all about . " Oh , you caught that hey ? " Lumi said averting her eyes , " I just haven 't really told them who you are . They think you 're Mary 's god - son . They don 't know that Mary isn 't my real mom , sorry to drop that on you . Just . . . well it has never really come up . At this point to drop it on them . . . well let 's just keep it the way were are okay ? " She looked angry again , so Desmond just agreed . They walked the rest of the way in silence . The week passed without comment , when Friday rolled around , Lumi knocked on Desmond 's door at around 2 PM , he 'd been just doing a quick plyometric work out ( sit ups , pushups and squats . His gym teacher had informed him that if he kept up that , it would go a long way in the future ) , she opened the door before he had a chance to slip a shirt back on . She stared for a second at his defined stomache and chest before tearing her eyes to meet his . They stared for a second , and then she said , " Oh , sorry , I didn 't . . . Anyways . I 'm going to a house party tonight , I was wondering if you wanted to come . Just about everyone that you met on Monday will be there , don 't worry , you 'll do fine ! " She said as a look of panic crossed Desmond face , he agreed . " Okay great ! We 'll leave after dinner . " She then turned and walked out , Desmond watched her . Desmond was dressed in darkwash jeans with a close fitting tee and blazer , he thought he looked pretty good . When Lumi walked down the stairs he just about lost it , she was in a loose fitting dress that stopped just above her kness and flats . It left very little to the imagination , and Desmond gladly filled those parts in . How the hell am I supposed to not be attracted to her ? He though to himself , she 's just so hot . Shaking his head , he remembered that she was his step - sister , and NOT just another girl . They walked out , saying their goodbyes , Mary checked about 5 times that she had Desmond 's number correctly written down . She really worried , Desmond thought , for someone I haven 't seen in years . Old habits die hard . " Well you 've caught mine , as long as that doesn 't come across to creepy . You do look quite stunning Lumi . " Desmond said as he blushed . She laughed good heartadly and replied . " Oh ? What exactly does that mean ? I mean , thank you . I really doubt that anyone will give me a second look when I walk in beside you . " " C ' mon ! You didn 't realize how much Lauryn wanted you ! ? Don 't be clueless Desmond , you 're pretty hot yourself , " she said as she punched him lightly in the arm . They walked the rest of the way joking and Desmond started to feel pretty good about whole " social " thing . " Oh yeah , and I thought you should know there 's going to be alcohol here . I don 't know how much you 've drank before , so do you need me to run you through how not to do ? " she said with a smirk ? " I 've actually never drank aside from a shot of whiskey that a friend snuck into last year . I 'd love to hear how not to make a fool of myself ! " He said smiling . " Okay well , don 't chug , ever . Well at least not yet , and drink slowly . I 'd say go for beer because ' mixed drink ' around here tend to have more then you bargined for . Oh and , don 't get smashed , because I 'll need you to lead me home ! " She said with a laugh , he laughed too . He really was enjoying this girl 's company . As they arrived at the party , he started to get nervous but forced himself to calm down and they joined the stream of people entering the house . " Don 't worry , you don 't know the guy who 's house this is , it 'll probably get messed up , but his parents are loaded so they don 't care . " They stepped in and , as Desmond guessed , all eyes went to Lumi and her stunning outfit . He doubted there was a pair of male eyes that didn 't wonder how nice that dress would look on the ground . Steve walk up to her , already quite drunk , and gave her a sloppy kiss . Desmond grabbed a bottle from the table , it was Keystone , even he knew it was bad beer . But as he cracked it and downed the whole thing in a few glups , totally ignoring Lumi 's instructions , he smiled at the feeling that soon set in . He slowed down after that , nursing two or three more so he was at a point where he was " buzzed " , and as Lauryn walked over , he also realized he was horny as all hell . She slid her arm around his back and he put hers around her shoulders and she motioned outside as they wandered towards the back door . Once they were in the yard , she turned and kissed him , hard . He returned it after a half second of hesitation to realize what was happened . As the kiss broke she said , " I 've been trying to get close enough to do that since we first met ! " Desmond looked her up and down , she was hot , not doubt . Standing at 5 ' 3 " , she had a round face with firey red hair that framed it nicely . She chest wasn 't huge , but because she was so short it looked much bigger , and deffintly quite well proportioned . They kissed again , and their tongues became a dance , Desmond bent down and lifted her up so that she didn 't have to stand on her toes . As she broke the kiss she said , " Put me down , " she grabbed his hand after he put her down , " and follow me , " she said with a wink and a caress of his chest . She opened a door and grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a kiss as she walked towards a bed . She reached down and expertly undid his belt pulled his jeans and briefs down to his ankles . She grabed his cock and slow ran her hand up as she licked the tip . Now , Desmond had no idea exactly what was " average " or anything like that , he had assumed that the clossal dicks that guys had in porn was not a good representative sample . He was 7 " long and about an inch in diameter , so where ever that put him , he was okay with it . Lauryn was now at this point starting to warp her lips around it , she dropped fully to her knees and looked up into his eyes . " Fuck that 's hot , " Desmond moaned as he ran his fingers through her hair without exterting a force , she took control with a mouth assualt . She licked from his sack up to the tip and then put about half of his length . She continued her expert assualt for the next few mintues before Desmond realized he was getting close , and had no desire for this fun to end , so he lifted her up onto the bed , who 's bed he didn 't know , but ceased to care . He slid his blazer off as she lifted her shirt off and he took in the sight of her breasts and bare stomache . She snapped of her bra as he climbed onto of her and kissed her with lust and ran his hands up her pale stomache to play with her tits . She moaned softly as he kissed her nipples back and forth , soon she was moaning constantly . She flipped Desmond over and returned to her work on his dick , still rock hard at this point . She quickly brought him back up to the edge of no return . " Lauryn , shit , if you keep going I 'm gunna cum . " She lifted her mouth of and smiled as pre - cum ran from her lips to his dick and said , " It 's okay baby , I want to swallow you , " and she began her oral assualt again . Desmond moaned and placed his hand on her head to let her know it was coming . He exploded in her mouth , had she not swallowed it all he had no doubt it would have overflowed her petite mouth . A petite mouth that was incredibly talented mind you . She giggled and slid up him to rest her head on his chest and said , " Damn , that was hot . We 'll have to see how far I can get you to go some other time . Now c ' mon , let 's get to back to partying , I think after that workout we both need a drink ! " As they slipped their clothes on they kept making out , Desmond didn 't care that she had just swallowed him . He shrugged on his jacket and held open the door for her and they embraced and parted in to the swarm of people , she went off to find her friends and Desmond went to find another beer . He needed to cool down , and slipped outside to enjoy his drink in relative quiet . As he finished his beer , Desmond went back inside to find somewhere to take a piss and wash his face , in an attempt to find some sort of sobriety as he remembered Lumi telling him he would have to lead her home . As he stepped out of the bathroom he turned sharpy as he heard a girl yell out . " Stop ! No I don 't , piss off ! " The girl yelled . Desmond was no hero , but it 's hard to turn a blind eye to things like that . He turned down the hall and into the room where he saw the back of some guy smothering a girl much smaller then him . " Hey , buddy , chill the fuck out . " Desmond said , hoping that just by his being there the guy would leave it alone . Instead the guy pushed the girl on the bed and turned around angerily . Desmond realized it was Steve , so he had to assume the girl was Lumi , or at least hoped it was . Although at this point , he was conflicted , maybe it would be better if this asshole was cheating on his step - sister . " No , Steve , I don 't . I think we 'd better go , Desmond . " Said the girl , who was indeed Lumi . Steve didn 't like this idea , so instead of stepping out of the way , he threw a punch that Desmond caught on the shoulder , causing him to step back and curse in pain . Desmond had been forced to take self - defence classes after he got beat pretty bad in his first week at boarding school . Even though Steve was bigger , when he charge Desmond bobbed and brought his fist into Steve 's gut , using his own momentum to increase the force of the punch . Steve puked , and collapsed on the ground coughing . Desmond , grabbed Lumi 's hand and pulled her outside and the ran for a few streets until Lumi stopped , panting . " Thanks , I don 't know what the hell that jackass was thinking , " Lumi said , her speach slowed , clearly to try and mask her drunkeness . She stumbled forward and Desmond caught her as she started crying . " Hey , hey , now c ' mon it 's all over now . Let 's head home , nothing bad happened . At least you didn 't get too far into a relationship with that guy . " Desmond said as she cried into his shoulder . He pulled out his smart phone and got directions to Mary 's address , and they started to walk home . " I 'm really sorry you had to get in the middle of that , Desmond . We usually fuck at every chance we get , but I just wasn 't into it tonight . Maybe I drank too much I just felt like I wasn 't into it . . . I don 't know . " Wel I guess that answers that question , Desmond thought . " Probably not your best experience at a party hey ? " She said as she sniffed and laughed softly . " Haha well , it , uh , could have gone worse right ? " Desmond said , not mentioning the fact he 'd gotten blown by her friend . That could come later , right now he figured it was all about getting Lumi home . She leaned heavily on me as we stumbled home , she rambled about the party and other things . " Know what 's really weird ? Had you not left for boarding school , I don 't know why you did , we would have grown up at the same school . Your friends would be my friends , and we would have known each other for years . Isn 't that weird ? " She said stopping and looking Desmond right in the eyes . He stared back , taken again with just how beautiful this girl really was . " Yeah , well , life throws your change and you do your best to deal with it . I guess that 's one way to look at it . But because we didn 't , we get to have a great time this summer getting to know each other before I go off to learn how to steal souls . " He said laughing . She laughed too and then wrapped her arm around his body , exactly as Lauryn had , and Desmond started to stiffen up again . He shook his head , he 'd just stopped this girl from having sex forced on him , mind out of the gutter ! Yet as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder protectively , he coudln 't help but take in her amazing smell and feel how good she fit into this embrace . As they got home , she pulled a key out of her purse , and they slipped in the door . He helped her up the stairs and then said said good night and turned around . She grabbed his arm and spun him around " When I said I was sorry , I meant it . But I also mean that I 'm really thankful you did what you did . I might have been raped if you hadn 't stepped in . I . . . I 'm just , thank you . " She said fighting back tears , she kissed Desmond on the cheek and smiled at the shock on his face . " What , it 's not like we 're blood relatives , a kiss as a friend is nothing . Now go , and don 't wake anyone up , " she said with that glint in her eye again . Desmond went down stairs , still trying to come to terms with what had happened tonight . At his first party , real party , ever , he had gotten an amazing blowjob , got in a fight and now he just got a kiss from the most gorgeous girl he 'd ever met . Maybe this summer will not be entirely boring , he thought as he drifted off to sleep . Okay , so I realize it was super long , I kinda got caught up in the character of Desmond . My bad . Any ways , any input would be greatly appreciated , and I hope the formatting isn 't too bad . I promise there will be more sex in the next part . Like I said , first time ever writing fiction , hope its enjoy able ! Read 70887 times | |
Beatrix was born in the summer . My mother stayed at Pen Bay Medical center , where Chester and I were born . We weren 't allowed to visit because we had colds and babies can 't be around colds . In the cage a few pairs of eyes reflected from the motion activated outdoor lamp . My father had found the three raccoons living in the fake lighthouse near where he worked . The old rafters had become so brittle , and the raccoons made it in easy . Everyone could hear them in the building , not just beneath the hole in the ceiling . Chester squatted next to the cage , he wanted to keep them , I just wanted one , he could have the other two , and maybe they could have little raccoon babies . I liked their cooing purr noises , like a cat and a loon cross . My father was inside the house calling the vet , to see what to do with the raccoons . Chester was really close to the cage , the little raccoon hands were reaching out to him . I told him not to touch them , " They could be rabid , " I said " they eat garbage . " But Chester touched them , and they weren 't rabid , but we couldn 't let them go in our backyard , because then they would start living near our house . That was the summer my father kept the raccoons in the carriage house . The carriage house was where my father kept all of his tools , car parts , and the attic had our camping gear and Christmas decorations . I liked being in the attic , the pink insulation had pictures of the pink panther on them , and it was always hot and dusty . There was a door that led to the outside , on the second story . My mother told me it was where the hay for the horses used to be kept , when it was a real carriage house . The big glass doors on the bottom level were supposed to show off the carriage that belonged to the people who lived in our house when Main Street wasn 't a side road . The carriage house when we owned it always smelled like oil and sawdust , like my father . He liked teaching us to build things . We made a new cooling rack for my mother every Christmas , even baby Beatrix got to hold the dowels when we were sanding them . My father called her his third son , and gave her tool sets for her birthday , along with handmade baby doll cribs . He was the only one who called her Trixie . Beatrix was so tiny when we got the raccoons , that 's why my mother didn 't want them at the house . My father kept their cage in the garage part of the carriage house , and fed them when he got home from work . My mother was too busy that summer ; she painted the house a blue - grey color . I remember when she was on the roof , painting the spaces under the eaves . I was supposed to stand outside with the phone in case she fell off . She was tied to the tractor , so if she did fall , she would just hang from the roof by her waist . She didn 't fall . I sat under the shadow that our house cast onto the lawn . My father had mowed the lawn the day before , the wet blades of grass stuck to my legs . I must have been about four or five . My mother had turned the radio in the house all the way up with the windows opened so she could listen to music . My father had taken Beatrix and Chester to town with him . My mother wanted them out of the house so she could just paint . " You know me and your godmother used to paint houses when we were in college , " she told me , stretching her arm above her head , her voice thin from the positioning . " We were staying at her parent 's house in New Hampshire . You know how laid back she is , and we got up on the ladders , singing , talking , having a great time . We weren 't paying too much attention , and before you know it , we had painted right over a wasp nest , but we didn 't see it because it was between panels . Those wasps came out really angry , and we both screamed and jumped into one of the open windows , because we were so far up on the ladders , we couldn 't run down them fast enough . There were guys painting the rooms inside , and we all chatted until the swarm calmed down . We had a pretty good time . " My mother laughed to herself , dipping the brush into the coffee can she filled with paint . My mother 's face , hair and clothes were dotted an ashy - blue . I caught a grasshopper when she was concentrating on the painting . Its leg was hurt , I didn 't hurt it . Yellowish green blood leaked out onto my hand . It smelled like a dead caterpillar . I wondered if grasshoppers ate caterpillars . Chester was the only one in the family who could catch caterpillars and not have them curl into a ball in his hand . They just continued walking on his hand as if they didn 't notice that they 'd been moved from their original location . When I picked up caterpillars they curled up and peed on my hand . The summer that the caterpillars nested in the trees around the house and my father had to come from work to burn their nests I found out about the quarry . Chester and I slowly opened the door to the carriage house . The empty cage that used to hold the raccoons sat in the corner . It still smelled like them . We brought out our bikes . " Are you sure ? Mom won 't get mad ? " Chester asked . " As long as we don 't tell her , she won 't have to know . " I said , closing the door behind us . Chester started peddling down the gravel driveway on his bike , which used to be mine . It still had the sticker of the motorcycling mouse on it that I got from the dentist . The street lamps were on , but it wasn 't dark yet . My father told me that they were on a timer , but had to be reset for daylight savings every year . I rode behind Chester , because I was bigger , and drivers could probably see me better than him . The late sun settled in vapor over the fields of the nearby houses as we rode past . We didn 't call them our neighbors because that would mean that we lived next door . The nearest house was across the street and down the creek a ways . We stopped at the stop sign , and I pulled my sweatshirt drawstring tighter around my neck , it was cold for June . We saw no cars . On a Sunday evening , most cars were inside , like our mother 's was , picking Beatrix up from a friend 's house . The tires on our bikes hugged the road , making a light buzzing sound , chorusing with the crickets . Chester was singing a song , and I had to remind him " watch the edge , " " don 't run over frogs , " " your shoelace is loose . " We rode finally to the patch of dirt in front of the woods where the rangers parked their cars . The quarry was closed to the public before we were born , but the fence was only a car barrier . We put our bikes behind the trees . The lightning bugs flew into our faces , the reflective tape from our bike helmets attracting them . Chester had never come to the quarry before , I had only been brought once before by a not - neighbor named Patrick . " Who would want our bikes ? Yours is old and mine is a really old girl 's bike . " I outgrew mine and my mother 's bike fit me . " Our bikes are old , rusty , and the chains slip all of the time . They 're safe . Let 's go . " I removed my helmet and walked into the woods . Chester followed , but left his helmet on . I called him a goddamn pussy . It was a new word to me , but at twelve I felt grown up when I swore . He tried to hit my arm but missed . I pounded the top of his helmet , forcing the visor over his eyes . He pulled the helmet off his face and called me a jerk . I laughed . He walked ahead of me . The trees stopped a few feet from the lip of the quarry . The water at the bottom was opaque and blue , like toilet bowl cleaner . At the bottom of the quarry was an old Ford truck from the 1940s . I could tell because my father showed me the differences between truck hoods and headlights . Chester knew too . Beatrix was only told that she was supposed to like Thunderbirds , but only the ones from 1956 , because my father said that the fins were not overdone that year . In the milky blue water the roots of trees stuck out . They were rotting in the air , their trunks covered in moss . There wasn 't much algae . My mother said that almost nothing can grow in an old quarry , it 's just old rocks . I walked up the side of a rock ledge , a stony bridge between the two sides of the quarry . I put Chester 's fingers into an old dynamite hole . " If this was a long time ago , you 'd have no hand now . Pew ! " I said , making exploding noises from a phlegmy place in the back of my throat . Chester laughed , and but kept his fingers in after I let go . " How did the dynamite go off , but there 's still this tiny hole ? " He prodded the outside with his thumb . The hole was about as large as a carrot . " I guess it didn 't . Maybe they were going to blow this part up , but then that 's when the quarry got closed . " I picked up a dead stick . " Or maybe it was a dud , like it didn 't go off when it was supposed to . " Chester stood up and laughed . I wondered what would have become of the dud . I wondered if it was at the bottom of the quarry , under all that water . I walked up between the two sides , giant blue pools of water held by granite . The edge was defined , as well as steep , going down maybe forty feet , maybe fifty . We couldn 't see the bottom . It could have gone down another fifty feet after that . The rock ledges patterned with dud - holes , sided by trees and moss . The rock came out of the ground , made it , defined it . The quarry was dotted with evergreens , complimenting the artificially blue water . My mother told me that the water was blue because of the sky , and the sky was blue because of the water . Chester picked up a stick , a caterpillar at the end . He still called them " Callipiters " even at nine and a half , not on purpose , and mostly only at home . The setting sun gleamed off the water , making green sparkles all the way to the steep edge . There was only one part on the far right of the quarry that was shallow enough , another truck sat there , the bed sticking out of the water , the rest in a pool of watery rust . I sat and watched the chickadees hop on the ground , poking for seeds . Chester put the caterpillar on a nearby stump . " Do you think they mind ? " " I don 't know . Maybe . I 'd hate it . " I threw a rock . The splash , too small for such height . I nudged the pebbles around my foot off the edge , watching the spider webbing ripples sink . Chester picked up old glass pieces that he found . Beer bottle sections with brand name hollows , brown , green , blue , clear . Not as smooth as sea glass , dull in parts , but still sharp . He was like a crow looking for sparkly traces for his nest . " Look at this one ! It doesn 't have a date , but it looks really old ! " He held up a squared bottle neck , covered in dirt . A car on the road passed by . Chester put the glass into his pocket and climbed back up the ridge to sit next to me on the moss . He picked at the small flowers that grew on the rock . They looked like miniature artichokes . The sun sunk below the trees , pushing their shadows over the water . " Yeah you are . Dad always said he wanted another girl . Why do you think mom put you in that damn ballet class ? " I threw dirt on his helmet . " Shut up ! " Chester 's face was red as he pulled his helmet off and tried to wipe his hair clean . The twigs and moss stuck in his curls . " You shut up Chesty ! " I punched him in the leg . Hard . The contents of his pockets crunched . He screamed . No one called me Teddy . I punched his leg again so he wouldn 't forget . The second time I felt it hurt . My knuckles pinched . Chester kept screaming . I looked at my hand , shiny slices of glass stuck out . Chester held the inside of his thigh , crying . " Stop crying . " I said , cradling my right fist against my chest . He didn 't stop crying . " How bad is it ? Is it bleeding ? " " I don 't know ! It hurts ! " Chester looked at me and then squinched his eyes up tight . I pulled his hands off his legs , so they wouldn 't push the glass farther in . His jeans had a little blood on them , close to the inseam . I pulled some of the broken glass out of his pocket , mostly big shards . The smaller pieces were deeper in the pocket . The shadows from the trees darkened their red gleam . Chester was still crying but quieter . " I need to see how bad it is . " I brushed the glass off the rock into the water . He watched it fall . Chester 's drops of blood were in the quarry , like all the dead quarrymen , Johns , Georges and Stus . " Come on , maybe it 'll hurt less . " I said . Chester lay on his back and unzipped his jeans . Carefully trying to pull them off , he started screaming again . " I 'm sorry Chester ! I didn 't mean to ! But we have to see how bad it is . " I tried not to look worried . He got his pants off , the fabric visibly pulled by the glass . Part of the brown bottle neck stuck out of his thigh , the rest sat in the inside of his pants . . I could see the dirt from the glass mixing with his blood . It was getting dark , and I tried to remember what I learned in boy scouts . I remembered that I needed to apply pressure , but what if that made it worse ? Chester started crying harder , seeing it . I pushed on his leg . More blood came out , pooling in the waistband of his pants . He screamed . The glass broke off in my hand . The shadows made it hard to see , but the blood was spilling over , the moss below absorbing it . The moss would have part of Chester in it like the quarry with the dead miners . Chester would make it grow . Chester groaned . " Don 't look " " trust me " " I did well on my emergency preparedness badge " " It 'll be fine . " My hands were covered . I couldn 't find the other piece of glass . I could feel it with my hands , I could touch it but I couldn 't find it . My hand was in Chester 's leg . I could feel his heart beating though his blood . Chester kept screaming . There was too much blood . I went back to applying pressure . I would find it later . I would find it later and it would be fine . We would just get home before my mother and throw away our clothes and get the glass out and it would be fine . She wouldn 't have to know . The blood would slow down and we would go home . I ripped a piece of my sweatshirt , wrapping it around his thin leg . " Yeah , just wait a couple minutes and we can go . " I pulled his pants up under his back . The shirt stayed . My hands and pants and sweatshirt were bloody . I peeled off my sweatshirt , turned it inside out and handed it to Chester . It wasn 't cold , but it seemed like something he might need . He pulled it on , the hem almost to his knees . I sometimes forgot how big I was compared to him . The liner of the sweatshirt was pilled and white , but all the blood was in the inside . I pulled him up . Chester 's face was red and puffy , he tried not to cry . I picked up his helmet and put it on his head . " Can you walk on it ? " He nodded . Chester took a few steps , and looked at me . I took his arm , supporting his small frame . I hoped he wouldn 't trip over the roots . It was dark under the trees . He made a noise when he stepped with his right leg . I was glad he was so skinny , his thighs didn 't touch each other when he walked . We got our bikes out , I snapped my helmet to my handlebars . Chester looked at his bike . " I don 't know , probably more than a mile . What do you want to do ? " I had my hand on the seat of my bike . " I can walk . " Chester snapped his helmet on . He held the bar beneath the seat . I did the same and gave him my shoulder to lean on . We made our way to the road . We walked along the side of the road , the crunchy pebbles loud against the rubber of our tires and sneakers . Chester didn 't cry , just looked ahead . I walked slowly , trying not to make him hurry . We passed a field with lightning bugs floating in the tall grass that was still a couple of months away from haying . " They 're pretty . " I said . Chester nodded . I saw blood making its way down his pants under the sweatshirt . His helmet bobbed , the reflective strips shining from the streetlamps . We were going to get home . We were going to put our bikes away and my mother wouldn 't know . We wouldn 't get in trouble . At stop signs we stood longer than we needed to . Chester 's face was puffy but back to pink . I hummed a song I liked from the radio . We were going to be fine . At the stop sign near our house Chester leaned over and threw up in the grass . I felt his little body shake . He nodded and we made our way up the driveway . My mother 's car wasn 't in the driveway . I was glad that she was friends with everyone 's moms and spent a long time talking during pick ups and drop offs . We put our bikes and helmets in the carriage house , shutting the door tightly . I turned on the garden hose , and pulled the sweatshirt over Chester 's head . He pulled his pants off one leg at a time , I tugged at the ankles , keeping him up with my other arm . The handmade bandage had slipped almost to his knee , the blood ran down his leg , catching in it . I asked " Are you ready ? " " this is going to be cold , " " Are you sure ? " Chester nodded and squinched his eyes closed . I held on to him , and sprayed his leg . It came out too hard and too fast . I almost dropped him . The tiny bits of glass came out , and the dirt and the dried blood . The cut looked clean , a tear in him less than a half inch wide . I knew it was deep , but it didn 't look bad without all the mess . I turned the hose off and held onto him and our clothes . I pulled the toilet lid down and sat him on it . Chester looked tired . I climbed onto the washing machine and got the first aid kit off the shelf . I pulled out the industrial sized bottle of hydrogen peroxide that my mother used for cuts and ear infections . I climbed down and poured the cap full , spilling a little on my hand . Chester had started bleeding again ; he tucked a wad of toilet paper under the cut leg . The hydrogen peroxide splashed over his leg , bubbling . " I 'm sorry " " Sorry , " " almost done . " Chester didn 't react . The gauze from the first aid kit came with scissors , I cut it bigger than I needed , fitting it over the cut , plenty of room . The tape was thick and clung to the tiny white hairs on his leg . " Done . " I said . I pulled his shirt off and threw our clothes together . I didn 't know how to do laundry , so I stood in my underwear looking at a pile of bloody , dirty clothes . " We could throw them out , under the trash , she wouldn 't know . " He said . I nodded , piled them and went to the kitchen , stuffing them under last night 's dinner scraps . I washed my hands , forgetting about the glass in my knuckles and the blood stains . I washed them clean as I could and went to my room , and got dressed . I went into Chester 's drawers and got some clean pants . " Here . I know you like my Hotwheels shirt . You can have it . " Chester smiled and dressed himself on the toilet . We heard the door close . I helped him into the kitchen and onto a stool . My mother brought in bags of groceries . " Can I get some help bringing these in ? " She asked . I looked at Chester and went outside . Beatrix was walking back from the car with an opened bag of banana chips . " Mom 'll kill you if she sees you eating right before dinner . " I said . Beatrix stuck her tongue out at me but closed the bag . I got to the car , opened the trunk and sat down next to the groceries . He was fine , I did everything right , my mother wouldn 't know . I sat that way for a while until my mother came over . " What 's taking so long ? I need to get dinner started . " She said . I said I was sorry and picked up the gallon of milk . She grabbed my hand . " What 's this ? Is this glass ? ' " We 'll take care of it . " She hugged me and I pressed my face into her shirt . My breath made my face hot against the fabric . " Sweetie , are you ok ? " " We can always buy more juice glasses , " " It 'll be fine , I promise . " We got up early in the late spring to pick berries in Lincolnville . My mother paid twenty dollars for a pallet of berry baskets . My mother told us that everybody eats about a bucket of dirt in their lifetime , so a little fertilized soil on the berries wasn 't going to hurt us . Beatrix was the littlest , so she got to ride in the backpack , her head covered by a flowery hat . My mother would hand her the smaller berries , so she wouldn 't choke . She would squeeze them before putting them in her mouth . My mother 's long hair would have seeds in it all day . Beatrix 's face was gummy and red . The raspberries were the best , when my mother found a farm that bred pricker - less ones , the berries grew fatter , and they squished in our fingers . The juice reached our elbows by the end of the morning . The farmers never charged us for the berries we ate , mostly because my mother would talk to them about what kind of tractors they used , and where they got their manure from . She used to be a farmer , she told us , after college , and before she married my father . When we got home from berry picking , my mother made us all take off the clothes we were wearing . We would change and she would pour boiling water all over our clothes . She said it was the only thing to get berry stains out . It didn 't work for any other stains , like jam . On the days my mother made jam , we weren 't allowed in the kitchen . There were too many things to burn ourselves on . She said that . One time I snuck in , keeping low below the counter . She was boiling the jars in one pan , and the cut up fruit and sugar in the other . I watched as she pulled the jars out of the boiling water with the barbecue tongs , and set them up on the old stained dish towels . Then she ladled the hot berry mush in , trying not to spill . I put my hand into the open bag of sugar . She didn 't see me , because she was trying not to burn herself through the oven mitt . I put the sugar in my mouth , but it was wriggling . Over my forearm crawled black ants . I must have made a noise , because my mother looked at me , the bag of sugar , and my arm sticking out of it . " Spit it out . " I spat ants on the counter , and their brothers ran down my arm to meet them . My mother picked up the bag and threw it through the door . It landed in the sandbox . She brushed me off , and the counter . " Are you ok ? " She asked while she pushed my hair back on my forehead like when I was sick . I nodded . " I 'm sorry sweetie . " She kissed the top of my head . " I 've got to finish this before it burns . You sure you 're ok ? " She turned the burners down to settle the jam . She called it a rolling boil , the kind where it hasn 't boiled over yet , but you can 't stir it , and it won 't stop unless you leave it alone for a long time . It can burn you easily if you aren 't careful . My mother was careful . She finished the batch , screwed on the lids and flipped the jars to cool . When the ant bodies floated , she stirred them back in , called them seeds . " They 're full of protein . " " They 're good for you . " " You know , in a lot of cultures people eat bugs , because of the protein . " Chester and I ate ants . We did experiments . The red ones were salty and spicy , and the black ones were sweet . We ate them like sunflower seeds ; we bit their bodies and sucked out their insides , spitting the shells . We trapped ants from the hills in the yard , and the ones that came out from between the bricks of the kitchen door walkway . We caught them and took them to the tangled apple trees between the hill and the pond , far behind the house . It was shaded and a stream ran though the roots . We sat under the trees and ate the ants , and when we were done we poured vinegar on the hills , to keep them from telling their neighbors . We took our sandwiches under the trees on hot days when my mother said the sun would spoil mayonnaise . It was cool and covered , our fort , with our feet in the stream , the cold water freezing our toes even in August . We were barefoot . Our feet were tough , our mother told us not to wear shoes when we could . When she and my father brought home baby Beatrix , they didn 't put shoes on her . Relatives always buy baby shoes , but babies don 't need shoes . My mother wanted our feet to be tough . She told us that she once walked over broken glass , and she didn 't feel it , it didn 't cut her . The beaches in Havret were made of rocks . The sand was hard , sharp , and grey . The beaches reached the woods , or the road , or the dirt . Flowers grew near beaches . The nicer ones had sand trucked in for the whiteness . It didn 't last , and every year a new truckload came , and filled the air with sandy dust . Out - of - staters didn 't know about the beaches . They brought towels and flip flops that did 't stand up to punctures . In the postcards that tourists sent their families , the beaches looked soft and warm . My mother said in the southern parts of the state , August was hot , and their sand was white . In midcoast , the wind came off the water , which was breezy until chilled and wet skin met it after a swim . My mother used to be one of the tourists with the cut feet . She and her family summered . My grandmother lived in Connecticut . My mother drove us down , all eight hours , to see our grandmother , and to become more cultured . Once we got to go to New York to see a ballet . We pulled into the driveway late . The car was hot , even with the windows open , and Charlie the dog panted wet breath on our necks . Chester was already asleep , and my mother had to carry him and Beatrix inside . My grandmother had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room with the lights still on . When we came in through the front door , she straightened her hair and gave me a kiss . There were cookies on the kitchen table . I snuck one while my mother was putting Chester into a bed and my grandmother was looking for a spare toothbrush . We never remembered our toothbrushes . The cookies were old , and tiny brown moths flew out of the box when I opened it . My grandmother gave me a toothbrush , and my mother brought my bag into the room . I climbed into the tall twin bed , Chester sleeping with his mouth open a few feet away . The sheets were stiff and the tiny bb 's I felt near my feet were probably mouse poops . I went to sleep listening to my mother sing Beatrix to sleep in the pink room down the hall . My mother was giving Chester a bath when I woke up . His sheets were wet , the little blue flowers on them shiny , piled up at the foot of the bed . I went to the kitchen , excited because my grandmother let us have more than seven grams of sugar per serving cereals . Chester liked the kind that was supposed to taste like waffles , I preferred the kind that were Rice Krispy Treats that you were supposed to eat like cereal . My grandmother had some left from the summer before , but they tasted good stale . I got one of the bowls that was shaped like a melon - half , and poured my cereal into it . " I thought your mom got theatre tickets . " My grandmother got up to pour herself more coffee . " Your uncle said he got them for her . " She said as she stirred her coffee . I ate my breakfast while my grandmother made plans to tee off at noon . I asked what we should look for . " Look for bridges . Bridges can tell you a lot . " My grandmother lit a Now 100 . " Bridges are built for the people , you know , your grandfather is an architect , that 's a lot like building bridges . " She opened the because my mother didn 't like it when she smoked in the house when we were around . " You know lots of men die when they build bridges ? Lots of Irish men , your father is part Irish , any of his relatives build bridges ? " I shook my head . " Well that 's good , I like the Irish . I suppose you look a bit Irish , with your freckles . Your sister , now she looks Irish , reddish hair and all . You 're one of those , what 's it called , black Irish ? With those dark eyes and hair . Must be . " My grandmother took a sip of her coffee . But you know that bridges , they 're important , you know they help people get places , you should go see the bridge , elephants have crossed the bridge and my own grandson has never been there jesus shit . " My grandmother plucked a dead leaf from one of the plants on the window sill . " Nobody told you that one ? " I shook my head . " See , there was this woman , and she starts screaming on the bridge right ? And everyone thinks she died or something , so they all start running . Well wouldn 't you know , they crushed a whole mess of people , and a bunch of them died . So nobody uses the bridge for a while , because they think it 's not safe anymore . Then there 's this man who owns the circus , and he decides , I 've got elephants , why don 't I walk them across ? So he does , all twenty one of them , nice as you please , just strolling over the bridge . Fantastic . My grandmother got to see , that was before my mother was born you see . Just fantastic . " My grandmother put out her cigarette , and I carried my bowl of milk to the sink . Chester walked over to my chair in a big pink bath towel . My mother brought in his clothes , leading a sleepy Beatrix still in her nightgown , my mother 's front wet and soapy . Chester sat at the low stool , his tangled brown hair dripping into his cereal . Beatrix wanted oatmeal , she was three , too little for much sugar , so she thought maple brown sugar oatmeal was sweet . We got off the train at Grand Central . My mother told us to look at the ceiling , see the constellations . She took us by the hands , I held onto Chester , as we crossed the big floor , still looking at the painted sky . We walked to the theatre ; my mother called it a matinee . She told us we were really lucky . " This is something you can tell your kids about . You got to go to the ballet and see famous ballerinas . This is special . " She squeezed our knees . We were early , and there weren 't too many filled seats . She made us dress up . She said that no one dressed up for theatre anymore , and that was too bad , because it 's so exceptional , and dressing nice meant we were respecting it . I hated it . I wanted to see the bridge , or go to the place with the tiny turtles . Chester and I had to wear ties , but Beatrix got to wear her old purple tutu . My mother said this was important for us all , just watch them . When it was dark and the music started , I tried to pay attention . " Why aren 't they talking ? " I asked . My blazer was hot . " This is a ballet , they don 't talk , and their dancing says everything . " My mother whispered back . It didn 't . They danced , I thought a few times that a few would fall , which would make it much more interesting . I liked the parts when they ran in their ballet shoes . They looked like ducks . I just kept hoping one of them would trip over their shoes . My mother told me earlier that their shoes are full of wood . I wanted them to slap the stage , which they did , but there was no sound . Chester liked it . He kept asking if I saw the jumps . All the way back to my grandmother 's house , he talked about the jumps . " I bet you could too sweetie ! You 've got my long legs . " My mother beamed . Chester was going to beat me at being ' well rounded . ' " Later Chester , we 're eating . " My grandmother said with her mouth full , a hand held up to shield her chewed steak . He sat down , eating his macaroni and cheese . At my grandmother 's house , the adults ate adult food , and the children ate children food . Beatrix had the orange cheese on her tutu , and her face , and in her strawberry blonde curls . She was mostly asleep , her hand clutching a fork , her wrist in the macaroni . Chester finished , and leaped his empty plate into the kitchen . He slipped , because my grandmother made him wear socks indoors . My mother took him upstairs to wipe the blood off his nose . " Your uncle Gregory . He used to get the worst nose bleeds , and it wouldn 't stop . I hope your mother is holding his head back , that makes the blood go down the throat . That 's the best way . " " And blood . There was a lot . " Chester still had a tissue in his nose . He told my mother that it might start again , he could feel it . Beatrix was in the bath . She was screaming . Beatrix had a bad habit of getting messier when she was tired , and that was no time for a bath . Chester was fairly consistently messy , while I thought of myself as pretty clean . My mother didn 't agree . She didn 't like it when I kept dead fish in my pockets . I only kept minnows in my pockets . She said that was disgusting . Beatrix was getting toweled off , her whimpering alternately muffled by my mother 's ruffling of her short , previously cheesy hair . Chester pulled the tissue out of his nostrils . " See , it 's still bleeding . " He reached the tissue towards my face in the dark . " Yeah , from before he was a ballerina . Before they cut his penis off . " It was the only thing that could possibly make sense . Then Chester called for my mother and she told him that no one was going to cut off his penis , so just go to sleep . I was sticky . The breeze came off the water and across The Beach . My mother poured the sunscreen on my back and rubbed it in . I looked at the overcast sky as she covered my neck . My eyes closed as her greasy hand wiped over my face . Chester crashed his pink tugboat into the sand , the dog watching . " You 're done , " my mother said , " play in the tidal pool until I finish slathering your brother . " I stood up as she pushed the hair off my forehead . Over the wet sand to the long rock that broke up the beach , I climbed over the barnacles and into the cratered center . Squatted in the warm water hunkering my bottom to the rock , my knees were almost equal to my shoulders . I splashed the warm water over myself , trying to warm my skin against the late spring air . Chester stood so my mother could cover his knees and shins . His bushy brown hair already had sand in it . The dog smelled his back . Chester waved at me . Water squirted between my hands in his direction . Chester laughed . My mother zipped his red life preserver and stood up , pulling her long hair over her shoulder . She walked to my tidal pool with Chester . " Boys , since this is a tradition , I think I should say something . " She took Chester 's hand and mine , pulling me up . The air met the water on my skin , causing my teeth to chatter . My mother continued . " I am just so happy that every year , June first , we , as a family , go swimming in the ocean . It means so much that this is something we can accomplish every year , so that every other swim we take for the rest of the summer is warm as a pool in comparison . " She smiled down at us . My lips were probably bordering on purple . Chester climbed the rock and picked up a piece of light green kelp , pulling back my mother 's swimsuit strap . " Don 't you dare . " she said , not turning around . Chester giggled , trying to balance himself on the barnacles , his feet soft from a winter of shoes . " Don 't you do it Chester Arthur Sillman . " Chester let the kelp and straps go , pinching the slimy green leaf to her skin with a snap . My mother grabbed Chester around the middle , running to the water . She threw him in ahead of her . Chester bobbed in the water , kicking and splashing . My mother shouted up to me as I stood with my ankles in the tidal pool , shivering , " Come in TR , it 's not so bad . " I wished she 'd thrown me in too . Spring ocean water hurt to the marrow . Wading meant stepping further in , knowing that the feet that hurt would be joined by shins , and then knees . Wading was bones and skin and blood screaming , the body pleading , until numbness . Waiting for my knees to stop screaming , I submerged my thighs . Wading took hours , days . Chester splashed the dog 's back . Numbness reached my waist so I went under . Cold water on the face and head makes the lungs try to gasp . My eyes stayed open , the greenish darkness fuzzy with bits of sand and seaweed floating in front of me . I stood up , my lungs gasping , cold salt in my mouth . Chester doggy paddled towards the beach . Dragging my numb legs through the water , up The Beach , I made it to my towel . I didn 't understand how they could stay in so long . Small waves rose beneath my mother and Chester , big waves didn 't make it through the harbor . The dog jumped through the bits of foam , biting crustaceans . When I warmed up and my mother and brother came out of the water , I took a green bough from the apple tree and tied my leather string to both ends . Like Robin Hood , I notched the outside of the points , locking the string in place . Because the wood was green it didn 't break apart when pulled . I made arrows with my leatherman , sharpening the points , notching the ends . I felt like a man , like my father , who went hunting in the fall with my uncles and his friends . I felt like a warrior , and a brave . I was going to kill , and bring home what I had killed . Other boys wouldn 't be men until their parents told them so , but I was . Chester sat in the tidal pool , pouring water from a bucket and onto his boat . My mother sat in her beach chair , sunglasses on , her long hair hanging wet over the back , sand stuck to the ends . Her head was hanging over the back of her chair , air noisily coming in and out of her open mouth . Past the apple tree that hung over the sand , tiny and undernourished crabapples underfoot I went . I crouched in the grasses behind the tree where my mother took the dog to poop . The seagulls circled over the harbor , the tree , and the harbor master building . I took out my first arrow , firing it between the branches . It came back down . The gulls flew low , trying to get the mussels , clams and crabs at the low tide , finding old apples easier to pick up off the ground . One tried to land between me and the tree . I fired . The arrow hit it , bounding off . I notched another arrow as the gull started flying away . My arrow hit the gull between the wing and ribs . I didn 't it would actually work . It squawked , wings not beating together , one fast , and one not completing the flap . I watched it hit the ground , further hurting the left wing . Blood colored the white feathers . The gull cried . The right wing kept trying to fly , but the left hung around the arrow sticking out of its side . I grabbed the gull . " I 'm sorry I 'm sorry I 'm sorry . " I kept saying it . " I 'm sorry I 'm sorry . " I pulled the arrow out , the blood dripping off the feathers , onto my stomach . Blood came out of it 's beak , the gull opening its mouth all the way , its small tongue like a red worm . I held it to my body , it would get better , I would fix it . " I 'm sorry I 'm so sorry . " It screamed some more , as I hugged it tighter to me . I whispered my sorries to it like a chant . The right wing pushed against my chest . The gull 's head moved back and forth , crying and leaking . My mother called my name . I couldn 't stop sorrying . Chester ran up the path behind the tree . " I 'm fixing it ! You 'll ruin it ! " I yelled . A couple of tears fell on the gull 's feathers . They would help , tears and sorries would help . It would be fine . It would be great . It would come home with us and live in my room . I would have a gull and name it Derek . The gull screamed again , this time panting . My stomach and swim trunks were red with bird blood , white and gray feathers sticking . Chester reached his hand out again , and I screamed . The gull screamed with me . The blood was warm between the feathers and my stomach . Chester would break it . I needed to fix it . I was sorry . I squeezed harder , the pinned wing pushing against me . My mother stood at the bottom of the path . The dog sniffed the gull . " I 'm Sorry ! " " Sweetheart , let it go , it 's dying . " She put her hand on my shoulder . I had to save it . I had to get it clean , the blood was making it sick , there was too much blood . I walked down the path . Chester was crying and my mother picked him up . I walked down The Beach towards the water . It just had to be clean . The gull pushed its wing into my solar plexus . The cold water sunk itself into my skin , biting me . Blood and feathers mixed with the dark green . The gull would get better . It lived in the ocean , it needed the salt . We needed to go under , to be clean , for the salt to polish us bright . My mother came up behind me and lifted me around my middle . The gull drooped . It was warm against the water . My mother 's arms pulled me backwards towards The beach . Screaming . I wasn 't clean . I was bloodied and feathered . My mother dropped me on the sand . The gull 's eyes didn 't close when its head hit the rocky ground . My turtle was Polish . His name was Magnar Stanislaw ; it said so in blue glitter on a sign over his tank . Magnar Stanislaw was a red eared turtle and on a Wednesday I left work early to get to Pet Planet before five thirty . I put the Turtle Bites canister into the eco - friendly mesh bag offered at the door , and stepped , probably very suspiciously , to the tank ornaments . I tried to look like I was not looking at tank accessories , or specifically the ceramic mermaid breasts . By facing the other way , I was staring into the face of an angry parakeet . The sign hanging below his swing said his name was Sturge . Of the decidedly aquatic themed knickknacks , the maritime selection was under stocked . I did not want to be the pet owner with a treasure chest in his turtle tank , so I picked a submarine that promised to float and sink depending on how much air was in the sub . The cashier was a high schooler , the kind that would say that animals were his friends . I walked the five blocks to my apartment with the submarine in my hand and the turtle food in my pocket . I wondered if passersby noticed the bulge . Magnar Stanislaw paddled water when I closed the door . I took off my pants because it was hot , and walked over to Magnar Stanislaw 's tank to drop turtle food pellets in the water . I felt like saying something witty to him , like Rocky , but decided that talking to my pet turtle was too weird . Instead I pointed at him with both hands like old - timey cowboys . Magnar Stanislaw stared at me . The submarine was grey without any markings . I put it in the tank and Magnar Stanislaw pushed his neck out and tried to bite it . He kicked up the bottom of the tank scum , brushing the plastic propeller with where I imagined his nose to be . The sub bounced off the side of the tank , poking Magnar Stanislaw in the mouth . He blinked a few times and then involved his front feet in the fight against the ornament . I decided that the sub was German . I pictured the tank as the Atlantic , or the Baltic , whichever one was closer to Poland , with a fleet of subs coming to attack the country of Poland , represented by Magnar Stanislaw . I could see it perfectly ; the u - boats surfacing off the coast of Magnar Stanislaw , preparing their torpedoes , the sailors running to their positions . I wondered what it would be like to man a torpedo , put it into place , alert others that it was ready to fire , receive the command , push the big red button , hear the whoosh of an object propelled through water , and the inevitable explosion that followed . Magnar Stanislaw 's red ears made me think of the ignition of the Polish fleet , the fire and smoke covering the beaches of the Baltic . Thursday , Lane came over to watch NBC programming ; I had the advantage of basic cable over her local news channels . I had found my model car paint in the shoebox at the bottom of my closet , and set them out on my desk . Lane walked into the living room holding the submarine . " What are you going to paint on me ? " She said in a high voice , bobbing the sub in front of her face . She taught first grade , and her energy level matched that of her students . I painted the sub after she went home . Magnar Stanislaw was chewing his freeze dried shrimp and spitting them back into the water , only to chew them again . I figured that 's what cows would do , had they the opportunity to survive in water . I made a black cross with the widened ends on the grey sub , and outlined that with the white . I felt like a lonely fifteen year old - painting insignias with model paints at my desk for my turtle . After I washed my hands , I turned on my new X box for some ' Stripes of Glory ' WWI hand to hand combat . After dusting a few krauts , I felt a little bad for shooting at what were technically digital versions of my Great - Grandad Edsel 's countrymen . I wondered if there were any pro - German video games . Maybe in Germany , but they would possibly feel bad about promoting Nazism , so it would probably be Viking themed . It would be cool to play a Viking game , but , in my experience , games with shooting were a bit more satisfying . Lane was Swedish and English by ancestry , so only half of her would be offended if I were to play a pro - German game . I wanted to play that game , but no one had invented it yet . I decided to make it myself . I had no experience with programming , but I knew a lot of people who did . That was the advantage of working at Crunch Board Entertainment . I would ask on Monday or Tuesday how to go about making a proposal . It could be bigger than ' Stripes of Glory ' or ' Liberty Trenches ' or even ' Patches of Honor : Pacific Theatre . ' I looked at the sub in the tank , gently dipping with the waves made by Magnar Stanislaw tapping the glass with his front legs , his unsteady feet shaking the water . |
I had just moved to town , and was in the market for a new house pet / slave girl . I suppose that I could have checked the personal ads , but I have found that women who volunteer to be owned sometimes feel that they have to instruct the master in how they should be owned . No , thank you ! I prefer naturally submissive women who are given no choice but to accept my ownership . And how do I go about finding such treasures ? It is as easy as placing a help wanted add . There were over thirty responses and of the thirty , seven I judged to be submissive enough to be taken under the right circumstances . But one was a real beauty . Single mother , unemployed , desperate for work , she was ready to be taken . When I explained to her that she would need to wear a maid 's uniform , she had no problem with it . I watched her legs tighten a bit as she answered . " This cunt is already wet , " I thought . " Stand up and turn around for me . " She looked surprised but obeyed without question . This one was really ripe for the picking . " I am an old man , and if I am going to employ a young lady to work for me , I want to enjoy watching her to it . Does that seem unreasonable to you ? " She was the only one that I called back . In fact , when I called her , I offered her the job . When I told her that she would be clearing $ 600 a week after taxes , she was almost gushing over the phone . I gave her the address of the uniform company where I had opened an account . First thing in the morning she was to pick up her uniform and come here to change into it . By 9 : 30 in the morning , I expected her to present herself for inspection . We both agreed to a six week " try - out " time where either party was free to terminate the relationship at will . Her uniform was a modest one piece maid 's uniform that you might see in an upscale hotel . I could tell that she was expecting something sexier , but , at this stage , I want her off balance and a bit disappointed . I would not move her from this level for a month . Sarah , the cunt 's name turned out to be Sarah , had settled in nicely in her new position . I could tell from her demeanor that she was getting comfortable having a paycheck . She saw the future before her as one smooth road that she would coast along on . I decided that it was time to change things for her . I called her to me and sat in my easy chair while she stood in front of me . Sarah brought both hands to her face . " Oh , I am so sorry , Sir . I don 't know how it happened , Sir . It will never happen again , I promise . " " I 'm sorry , Sarah , it is just not working out . I have to let you go . " Sarah saw her whole future dissolve in front of her eyes . Then , I think , she remembered that she had put the shirt in the right drawer last night . She was a smart girl , she knew what was coming , and she knew that she was going to acquiesce to it . " Please sir , " she said , " Please allow me to serve you . " As she said this , she removed her uniform , bra , and panties . She placed her hands behind her head and waited . I let her wait . The human body is not happy being still . It is almost always in a constant adjustment . But when a girl is left standing with her legs spread apart and her chest arched outward because of the way the shoulders are thrown back when the hands a placed behind the head , she starts to feel awkward real fast . She was also aware that my sight was directed to her pussy which was soaking wet . She was aware of herself being controlled by the will of another . " All right , let 's be clear what we are agreeing to , shall we , " I asked . " For the sum of $ 600 dollars a week , you will continue to be my maid , but you are also willing to become my sex slave , which I may use in any way that I choose . Is that about it ? " " What does that make you , Cunt , " I asked . " For six hundred bucks a week I get to fuck you . So once again , what does that make you ? " " I 'm your whore , Sir " she was coming . I had never seen anything like it . I released myself and just stroked gently while she started to reach for herself . I did not stop her . Soon she was rubbing her clit and finger fucking herself as though her life depended on it . She arched her neck back and gave forth a sound that was part scream , part groan , and all release . She was finished . I told her to kneel of the floor before she fell down . She then noticed , for the first time , my cock more or less just standing there . She started to reach for it , but I told her to keep her position . " That was very nice , but you are never to do it again , " I said to her surprised face . " This cunt is mine , and only I decided what happens to it . You are never to come again without my permission . Well , whore , any questions ? " " Your first job every morning will be to blow me . If I am asleep , that is how you will wake me . If I am awake , you will blow me . Every morning you will start your work day by blowing me . " I dropped my pants and made her sit on me with her back facing me . After giving her asshole a bit of lube job , I entered in to her to the sound of her cry . It was music to my ears . I started to play with her cunt as I reached inside of her feeling for that certain spot and with my other hand I started to rub her clit . I was really pressing down on her clit . I told her to use her hands to pull her nipples . She obeyed . Soon she was begging to be allowed to come . I held off and then agreed as I wrapped myself around and in her . We were both panting as we parted . She got up , went to a bathroom and returned with water and wash cloths . She cleaned me , as would a servant would her master . I 'm telling you , this girl was a natural . Sure , she was going to take the money . She needed it . But her need for an owner went so much deeper . Already I was beginning to see signs in her eyes that she was falling in love with me . They just can 't help it . It 's their nature to love their owners with pure devotion . But I am an owner , and owners have their nature as well . As natural as it is for a slave to love her master , it is equally natural for an owner to fall in love with his slave . It is this ability to love that sets a true owner apart from a sadistic psychopath . One loves his treasured possession and the other only wishes to see it destroyed . She didn 't know it , but I started to fall in love with her during the first interview . The thing is that slaves like pets know that they are loved and treasured , and they try to use that knowledge to control , to some extent , their owner . While in a dog or a cat , this trait may seem cute , in a slave in can be near fatal . A good sex slave needs a constant firm hand . They must be trained like a thoroughbred . A horse that is firmly guided with love and understanding will jump over a hedge without being able to see what is on the other side . But if the horse has on occasion gotten the upper hand with its rider , it will not trust its rider enough to make the jump . And then there is , of course , the pure glory of controlling something as beautiful as a sex slave . Even the idea of owning another person makes a true owner 's blood boil . Ownership is so far beyond consensual , that they barely exist in the same world . I loved her . She will come to love me . She will jump the hedge for me . She is at my feet . " Suck on me , " I commanded . At once she pounced on my cock like I had just given her permission to gobble up a scoop of her favorite ice cream . I grabbed her head and made her look me in the face with my cock in her mouth . " I own you , you fucking little bitch . Not one part of your body is yours ; it is all mine . " She reacted like I had just given her the keys to candy store . She bent down to better administer to my prick 's needs , and I swear , that I heard her purr . With a cock in her mouth she was as happy as a kitten . The next morning I was dreaming that I was fucking her ; then I slowly began to leave the dream to discover that she was sucking my cock slowly and lovingly . Men have killed to feel what I was feeling as I came into her mouth and watch her swallow it like it was nectar . It was at that moment that I showed her a weakness . I pulled her to me and kissed her deeply . I really loved this woman . I was amazed when she responded with a passion of her own that matched mine . She was good . She served more food than I would eat and then knelt at my side . From time to time I would place a morsel of food into her mouth , which she would accept and swallow down . From that time on , as long as she was in the house , that was how she was fed . I am not a great fan of water bowls for slaves , so I would allow her to drink from my cup . Also after I have left the kitchen and she is cleaning up , she is allowed to have a coffee and cigarette break . I am not a heartless person . She gets three breaks a day , and more when she spends the night . The rest of the morning is spent during light housework . Whenever I touch her she stops what she is doing and places her hands behind her back . I have hurt her as well . It 's part of who I am . I like to bring a whip down on a helpless female . And it just so happens that I happen to own a female that I can whip to my heart 's content . Yesterday marked our first anniversary . For the last 365 days I have awoke each morning to a loving blow job from my sex slave Sarah . Also over the last year our love and passion for each other had grown to an all consuming flame . There are two schools of owners . The first school treats a slave like a recruit in an army boot camp . The slave is constantly broken down . The idea appears to be to wipe the slave 's personality clean and replace it with desperation to obey and please . Their slaves live a life of subservience and fear . I am in the second school . While we do share a lot with the first school , my kind of owner models his style somewhat after pet owners who train their pets to perform . I enjoy seeing Sarah happy , much in the way that a cat owner likes to see his kitty happy and playful . While the first school does not really allow much in the way of slave happiness , the second school gets off on it . One cat lady told me that there was no reason to own them if you can 't spoil them . I like Sarah to be happy , but she knows that there are lines that she cannot cross . When I take her out in public , she is treated almost as if she were an equal , with just the occasional reminder necessary to bring her back in line . She is , after all , owned . When she is happy , it is because I allow it . And when I wish to hear her cry out in agony , she will cry for me . This is her life with me now . I don 't know what she thinks about when I send her back to her family . I never ask . But this I will say , out of the past 365 morning blow jobs , there was not one that was done mechanically . She is quite simply , " the best little girl - slave in the whole wide world . " There is something very deep inside of her that responds to that . It is another thing that I love about her . This morning , for the first time , I stopped her and open my arms to her and she buried her head in my neck . I rolled her on her back and entered her . She was gushing wetness . I slid in like I was returning home . And home seemed very happy with my return . It was bouncing up and down like it was trying to greet me like a puppy does when its master has been away . It took a minute to match her rhythm . I leaned over her , and told her that I loved her . She now had wrapped herself , arms , and legs around me . " I love you , Master , " she cried back at me . " May I come ? " " No , " I answered , wait . Come with me . " Then I took her head in my hands and looked deep into her eyes as I came inside of her . She came with me , never averting her glance . She came again still locked into my eyes , and then dropped her legs back to the bed . I was still holding her and kissing her . " You are a good girl . " I guided her head to my groin and watched her clean me with her mouth and tongue . She had no idea that today , her slavery was going to be taken a step further than she had foreseen . I enjoy feeding her . Sometimes I will offer her a bit on a fork , and other times I use my fingers . When I use my fingers , she is careful to lick them clean after each bite . She truly was a natural , an owner 's dream . After I had finished eating , I returned to my bedroom and dressed . Since I had no place that I needed to be today , I just put on a pair of sweat pants , shirt , and a light sweater . The house is always kept warm because of Sarah lack of clothing . As I was about to enter the den , the security system said that a car had pulled into my driveway . I switched on a monitor and saw a couple approaching the front door . I went to answer it . At the doorway were a man and women . The man was holding a copy of the " Watchtower " magazine . They were Jehovah Witnesses or JW 's for short . " Good morning , brother , we have come to tell you some really good news about the bible . " They both came into the living room and sat down . The man made a motion to my chair , but I directed him to sit beside his lady companion . The guy was a clear dork , but the woman kept lowering her eyes whenever I looked at them . " I do . " His eyes popped open . He didn 't believe that he had heard what he had heard . The young lady was clearly aroused . Interesting . I picked up my bell and gave it a tinkle . The bell can be heard throughout the house , and Sarah has 30 seconds to appear before me or she gets ten lashes . Since she was in the kitchen , which is the next room , there was no reason for her to hesitate , but she had only five seconds to spare has she came into the living room and assumed her standing position . " This is my slave , Sarah . We are not married . She is not my girlfriend . She is simply something that I own . " The female JW 's mouth was open . The dork didn 't know what to do , but the tent that he was pitching in his pants seemed to indicate that his mind was not on Jehovah . Meanwhile tears were falling down Sarah 's face . Her whole body was turning red with embarrassment . I turned Sarah around so that they could see the whip marks on her body . " As you can see she is able to walk , so I am assuming that Jehovah approved and enjoyed the ass whipping I gave her as much as I did . " The man grabbed his companion by the hand and ran for the door . When they were half way to their car , I called out , " Miss , I think you left your cell phone here . " She looked in her purse , said something to the man and ran back into the house . As soon as she was in the door I grabbed her and lifted her skirt , I could feel that her wetness had soaked her panties . I gave her my card . " Call me , " I said . She nodded to both of us and walked back to her companion . Of course , there was no cell phone , and she knew that when she decided to lie to her companion and return to me . Maybe something will come of it , who knows . I told Sarah to stay in position ; I had something to say to her . " Sarah , it has been a year that you have been my slave . And , I must say , that you have been as good a slave as I have ever owned . But I just don 't feel right about the way that I took you . I sort of forced you into being owned . So , as of now , I am setting you free . I have your maid 's uniform upstairs ; you can change into it right now and continue to work here . " Sarah was a smart girl , she knew what was happening and she was surprised to find that she welcomed it . She fell to her knees and pulled my pants down and kissed my penis . " I am begging to be owned by you , Master . " What was amazing to both of us was the sincerity of her words . They were coming from a place so deep in Sarah that she was not aware of its existence until it spoke through her . I had planned on playing with her for awhile , making her beg , and plea to be taken . But we were both shaken by what was happening . My acceptance of her came from just as deep . She took me in her mouth and just held me there . I am a simple man who likes simple things . Give me a beautiful woman with my cock in her mouth , and I am a pretty happy guy . I was just about to be a very happy guy when the phone rang . Since Sarah had me in her mouth , I answered the phone . It was the female JW , whose name turned out to be Debbi . Debbi had called to tell me that Joe , the JW dork , had gone to the police and said that I was holding a woman against her will in sexual slavery . I thanked Debbie , and I told her that I have noted her number on my called ID , and would be getting back to her . I could hear sirens from far away getting closer . I told Sarah what was going on and sent her upstairs to change into the maid 's uniform , and to wait there until I rang for her . She was a smart girl . I saw no need to tell her what to tell the cops . I could trust her intelligence . I met the police at the door . " We were told that you are holding someone here against their will . " " Really officer , me ? Holding someone against their will ? Really ? Are you sure you got the right address ? " ' I haven 't decided yet . I assume that you have no warrant ? " The silent cop was trying to look through my windows , but I have all my downstairs windows coated with a security film that lets light in , but not out . With the games that I play in the house , I did not want to have to endure an infestation of peeping toms . " Look , the guy that owns the next house down is holding someone against their will there . Now are you going to go there as well with sirens blaring ? Oh , very well come in . " " I don 't see why not , " I said as I pushed a buzzer . Sarah appeared in her maid 's outfit with rubber gloves on . She looked as though she had been cleaning a bathroom . " Tell these policemen your name and social security number . " Sarah obeyed . I turned my computer so that the police could see the spreadsheet . " This is from my payroll service , as you can see , she has been paid weekly , and all of her withholding money has been deposited with both the state of federal governments . Sarah is legally employed by me . She has her own address , where she lives with her mother , brother , and children . She is not kept here against her will , and does not sleep in a cage in some dark dungeon under the house . " Sir , what is going on , " Sarah asked . I explained that the police were concerned for her safety . " As they can see , I am safe . Can I go back to work now ? " " Would you mind stepping outside for a minute , Miss , " one policeman asked . Sarah agreed and stepped outside where she was free from my influence , and told them that she was simply my maid , and if there was something between that old man and young healthy her , it would be him they should be worrying about . They apologized and left . " It 's your own fault , you know . If you hadn 't had to be such a show off . . . , oh , never mind , " she said has she stomped up stairs . When she was nude again and came down for lunch , she asked , " What are you going to do with Debbi ? " I passed her a piece of paper with Debbi 's number on it . " It 's you she wants . She just saw me as the price that she needed to pay to get to you . So you do with her whatever you want . " She took the paper and took it to her closet . I had bought matching robes for the two of us , which I used this occasion to give to her . " I don 't want either of us catching a chill , " I said , " and I want you to wear this when we go out tonight . I passed her three boxes , the larger was a cocktail dress ( basic black ) , followed by shoes , and finally an amethyst necklace . That night as we dined together at one of the better eateries in town , we sat in a curved booth so that she could sit beside me rather than across from me . We ordered drinks , and when they were served , we toasted our new year and new relationship . I handed her a small egg shaped device , " Put this inside you and see that it doesn 't fall out all night . " She looked down at the table and modestly said , " Yes , Sir , " and picked up the egg . I did enjoy watching her insert the toy while trying to look from the table level up that she was simply enjoying her drink . When she brought her hands to the top of the table , I hit the switch on the remote control in my pocket . Her jaw dropped and her eyes bugged . I watched her get flush , and then turned off the vibrator . Sarah was looking at me , panting through her mouth . She had a wildness about her that was most agreeable . I let her eat her meal mostly in peace . I did throw the switch a few times ; just on and off , to get her attention . It never ceases to amaze me how sexual excitement adds to a woman 's beauty . With my left hand I felt her pussy . The poor girl was gushing . Her new dress was going to need a trip to the laundry tomorrow . " You really have no shame at all , do you , " I asked after desert as I raised a cup of coffee to my lips . " Leave your hands on the table , Bitch , " I said in my best cruel voice . " You were going to reach for your cunt weren 't you , you dirty little whore ? At least try to act like a lady . " All the time that I was talking the vibrator was doing its work . Soon her face took on a pleading look . " Please Sir . " Her body showed signs of rocking . She was holding the table . There are simply no words to describe how beautiful she was . The candle light illuminated her face . She was biting her lips from the inside . " Of course not , we can 't have you bucking and screaming all over . This is a place where decent people come to eat . Please try to behave yourself . " he look on her face when I consented was priceless . She kind of stretched out on the cushion while I spotted a waitress and motioned her over . Sarah did her best , and I did turn off her little toy , but the waitress never shifted her gaze from Sarah 's face . Sarah looked back with a look of triumph mixed with humiliation . I gave the waitress my credit card , and asked Sarah if she were free to spend the night . As long as she could leave early , she answered . . She fell asleep with my cock in her mouth . I did some rearranging of the blankets and let her sleep . I woke up the next morning to a blow job . |
Today I had a couple doctor appointments and thought it would be a good opportunity to capture that part of my life . I probably go to the doctor more than the average person so it seems like it should be represented in this project in some way . I also thought it might be a way to challenge myself in another way - to ask to take a picture where I normally wouldn 't . I was getting injections for my migraines and thought that it would be interesting to get a picture of the needles . Now I just had to work up the courage to ask my doctor if she didn 't mind . . . but my doctor got into the office late and was all rushed and I was already faltering in my strength to ask . Apparently , I should be doing the 100 strangers project because I need to gain more confidence when it comes to asking people if I can take their picture ( ugh , and it wasn 't even that I wanted my doctor in the picture ) . I didn 't take the picture , although I had taken some pictures in the lobby that I thought I might share , but decided to go a completely different route . Also , on a side note my second doctor appointment ran super late as well . I read an entire Arthritis Today magazine front to back ( my only other option was Golf and since I no longer have a smartphone I didn 't have that to entertain me ) and I watched people go in and out except for one lady who happened to be seeing the same doctor as myself . It 's not the first time I 've had to wait a long time at the doctor and there 's a point in time that I start texting Jesse all sorts of nonsense about people in the waiting room . Jesse now calls this my ' tales from the waiting room ' series since it 's happened enough . I had the rest of the day off so I used some of this time to play around with my camera . There 's a project 52 that I have been following and the theme this week was ' perspective ' so I thought I would try it out . I took a bunch of picture of various items in my house , but I kept coming back to these bright pencils . It 's not hard to find bright things with a kid in the house , but I have to admit the pencils were mine before I ever had a child . Glad Riley is actually putting them to better use than I did . Riley 's quite the artist these days so perhaps printing a series like this would be a good addition to her bedroom whenever we redo it . My cat , Diablo , passed away February 10th at the age of 17 ( which would be about 85 in human years ) . He was my old man , my buddy , my cat , and I was his human . I 've been trying to write this since then , but it 's a sad reminder that he isn 't here - it 's been hard to focus on , as you can imagine . It 's turned into a sort of rambling story of his life and is more for me than anyone else . He was my baby before I had a baby so he holds a special place in my heart . I sort of knew his passing was coming , but was still heartbroken that it happened , of course . He 'd been sick for some time , but stable so we were constantly hopeful that we would continue to have him around . But I 've lived with him for 16 long years so I could sense the time was coming - I just didn 't know it would be this day . When Diablo 11 , it was Jesse who insisted we take Diablo into the doctor after he noticed that he was vomiting more than usual . It was then that we discovered that he was in renal failure . They told us that Diablo could have two months or two years to live - that it was hard to tell . We were besides ourselves . Even Jesse cried harder than I 've ever seen him cry when we got the news . We did the best we could to care for him by changing his diet to a low protein one and making sure he stayed hydrated . . . and then hoped for the best . We realized that at 11 we should be lucky to have him for another couple years . Little did we know that he would bless us with his presence until he was 17 . We had a scare a few years ago when his tests came back high in calcium . This can signal a number of things , but it 's often a sign of cancer . We did a whole bunch of tests and they all came back with nothing . It was always a struggle knowing how far to go with the tests , but after multiple tests that came back clear we decided to wait it out and see what happened . The doctor 's determined that the cause was idiopathic and that we would just continue to test him every 6 months as we had been . We last visited the vet around September and all the tests came back like before . Essentially , he was stable . But I started to get this feeling that this would be the year that Diablo would leave us . There were subtle signs like how he didn 't sleep in bed with me every night anymore . Even with arthritis he made it up and down stairs multiple times a day ( I know this because his favorite water dish was upstairs and he would suck that dry every day ) so I knew it wasn 't that . Sometimes I 'd bring him up with me , but sometimes I just let him do his thing . I do think he was losing his eyesight ( he had cataracts for sure and his eyes were a little glazed over ) so maybe he was less likely to make that trip when it was dark . Whatever he was going through it was hard for me to let go of our nightly cuddle . Jesse learned early on that Diablo would do his best to squeeze in between us even if it meant crawling on top of us until we moved . Sometimes he would be fine with spooning on the outside , especially if he was allowed under the covers ( he loved to be under the covers sooo much ) , but I think he enjoyed being surrounded by both of us . He was just a snuggler . In the last couple months it also seemed that he was less interested in his food , but he was still eating . This has happened in the past and we 'd have to change up his food to a different flavor or brand ( and we did about a month ago and he seemed to like it ) , but then a few days before he died he pretty much stopped eating . I wasn 't totally sure , but I started to watch him more closely and confirmed he would only eat a bite or two and walk away . . . and many times he would just look at the food and then walk over to his catnip toy . I decided on Monday ( Riley 's birthday ) that I would bring him in the next morning . Something was wrong . I prepared myself that they might tell me it was time . I 'd been thinking about this for so long and never wanted to be in the spot to make a decision about his life , but I knew I might have to . I knew something was really wrong when I woke at 4 am on Monday to Diablo trying to ' clean up ' where he peed in the bed . He 'd never ever done that before . ( My only comfort here was that I felt him cuddling with me shortly before this happened . It would be our last cuddle . ) I was able to get him into the vet where they decided to run a full panel . They hydrated him and gave him some vitamin B12 . The vet mentioned that sometimes cats will get dehydrated and stop eating because of that , but once hydrated it will kick things into gear so they eat again . He had lost over a pound since September and I suspect much of that had been in the last month or so . They also showed me a sample of his urine which was super dark . I headed home after the vet said Diablo did a great job getting his blood drawn . I was supposed to start work at 11 : 00 that day and remember thinking I was only going to be a few minutes late , but then Diablo started crying out in pain . . . and then panting hard . He was sprawled out on the floor , obviously in distress . We were all there . . . Jesse , Riley , Lucy ( our other cat ) and myself . It was horrible . I scooped him up and went right back to the vet . They tried to give him oxygen and an IV , but he passed away before they could do so . The vet clearly felt bad and wasn 't sure what sent Diablo into distress . He suspected it could have been a blood clot since he thought he looked anemic ( his gums were pale as opposed to a brighter pink ) , but he couldn 't say for sure . I declined to have an autopsy , but the vet said he might run some of the tests anyway as he wanted to know ( but wouldn 't charge me ) . I really do like my veterinarian hospital and feel like all he doctors there have been invested in Diablo 's health over the years . Even though Diablo might not have died that day if I hadn 't brought him in I knew he would have died soon . Jesse and Riley came to the vet separately , not knowing that Diablo had died . I had called Jesse during the few moments the vet staff was working on Diablo and asked him to come as I was afraid I would need to make a tough decision . When they arrived Diablo and I were in a special room they moved us to after he passed away . I didn 't think I 'd have Riley see him laid out on the table ( eyes and mouth still open ) , but once she was in the room it seemed ok to do . She walked over to him and gave him some loving pats to the head and didn 't seem scared at all . Probably because she doesn 't fully get the concept of death yet , but she did seem to understand that he would not be coming home with us . Jesse and Riley headed home while I made final arrangements for his cremation ( we will scatter him in the yard and plant something in memory of him . Jesse wants to plant the Diablo Ninebark ) and for a clay paw print to be made . Throughout the day Riley mentioned how much she missed Diablo and wished he could be with us . She kept saying that he loved us and we loved him so much . Riley and Diablo weren 't really all that close ( as a senior cat he sort of avoided the rambunctious child ) , but there were plenty of times that Riley would pet and kiss Diablo and it was always so sweet . Who knew 16 years ago of the life we 'd have together . I remember going to the Animal Human Society and spending a good two hours there . I found you , but went home without you . You were younger than I was looking for and weren 't declawed ( I didn 't want to make that difficult decision myself , but would eventually declaw you as you drew blood every time we held you ) . I was looking for a cat that had left that kitten phase and thought two years old was the magic number , but you were only a year old . . . although later my vet would say he thought you were actually a year and a half . I returned , though , and brought you home ready to make you a part of the family . I just couldn 't resist you . In those early days you were still so playful and would one moment be peacefully sleeping on my roommates love seat and the next you would be whipping around the house like the kitten you sort of still were . It 's amazing to think of how things have changed over the years and while you didn 't have as much energy in the end you were still playful , whether it was with Lucy or just playing with your toys . Knowing this has brought me some comfort about your quality of life in your later years . I had been told that that you had been abandoned in an apartment building which is just crazy to me because you were so awesome ( everyone who met you thought so too ) , but it became clear that you must have been left without food for sometime . In those early years you stressed out whenever you could see the bottom of your food bowl . You might have had plenty of food , but it didn 't matter if the bowl wasn 't full . Over time you came to trust that we would feed you . I don 't know exactly when this happened , but I knew it was after I adopted Lucy and honestly , she 's such a food hog that you should have probably been even more worried that she would eat your food too . You were the quietest and loudest cat I knew . You liked to silently meow - I can 't even tell you when I first heard you actually meow , but I remember thinking I adopted a cat without a voice every time you 'd open your mouth and ' meow ' , but nothing would come out . Although , if you really wanted something you would let out a loud squeaky meow . Not to be sexist or anything , but I teased that it was your girly meow . You also purred louder than I 've ever heard before and when you 'd snuggle up in the nook of my neck at night I thought I would never get to sleep since you were so loud . Eventually , I came to love that purr and have to say it 's one of the things I notice the absence of most . And your snoring of course . Since you 've been gone the house seems so incredibly quiet . I guess I didn 't notice how much these little noises were such a big part of my every day . At the time that I adopted you , I had another awesome cat , Digger . My roommates and I were often gone so I thought it would be good for Digger to have a companion . You were so great about trying to befriend him and I 'd often find you cuddled together , but I also know that your youthful energy was too much for him . I didn 't know it at the time , but he had a heart condition and , at 7 years old , had a heart attack in my arms 3 short months after I brought you home . I have to admit I was devastated and never thought you could live up to what Digger was to me . It might have been because you were in my life for so much longer , but we were meant to be together . I know - you 're a cat and I 'm a human , but you were just such a good fit in my life . Both you and Digger were with me during some difficult times and were great about just being there - as cats do . I love how unconditional animals are , but you two were really the best at it . Time went on and we moved to a couple different places before returning to this house ( including living with the ex - boyfriend 's cat , Percy ) . When we lived in NE Minneapolis I rigged up the deck with screening and a specialty made door so you and Lucy could go outside without fear of escaping ( although Lucy still did ) . You loved that deck , probably more so when I 'd have friends over for a BBQ . You 'd yell at me from inside the house until I let you out and then you 'd sit on my lap like you were one of the gang . You 've always had a little bit of human quality to you . You loved being a part of my activities . When I 'd cook you 'd bug me and bug me , but initially I couldn 't figure out what you wanted . I finally pulled out one of the bar stools for you and you 'd jump up and sit there and watch me . My favorite cooking memory was when Jesse and I were making a big batch of salsa with you sitting behind us on that bar stool . Suddenly , you let out a squeal of a meow and when we turned around your kitty eyes where overflowing with tears . Haha , guess those onions were burning your eyes and you had no idea what was happening . Silly cat . It occurred to me today that this was a tradition that didn 't carry over into this house . Also , you used to love sleeping under my shirts . You 'd come up to me and bat at me until I lifted my sweater , then you 'd crawl in and fall asleep . I was so sad when you stopped doing that , but I guess you had to move on to other things . Oh , and remember when you used to sleep in the sink all the time . That seemed to stop a long time ago too , but it was always fun to come home to find you there . Speaking of sinks , you loved drinking out of faucets . LOVED it . We bought you one of those special water fountains , which made you happy , but I don 't think anything beat the sink . As like most cats , you were also happy to snuggle up and sleep anywhere it was warm - whether it was in the sun shining through a window , next to a heating vent , or next to Lucy . . . and of course under a blanket . You must have run cold , just like me . You loved sitting on the back of my chair which wasn 't all that fun for me . We eventually made a deal that you would sit on my lap and we lived peacefully ever after . We spent a lot of time in my home office in the later years and when I 'm in there now I feel your absence big time . I think my favorite thing you did was nibble at my forehead . I kissed you on the forehead all the time so I like to think that you were trying to kiss me back . You were always so gentle about it . When Jesse and I started dating he admitted that he was allergic to cats , but you and Lucy never caused him any issues . Truth be told he wasn 't really a cat person ( beside allergies , he had some less than stellar cat experiences ) , but he fell in love with you . It was really hard for people not too . When we moved back to this house after being away for 8 years you immediately ran upstairs straight to the deck door . It was clear you remembered one of your favorite spots in this house and I was glad to have brought you back to this home . The morning you died I took you to look out the door to the deck . We were in the midst of remodeling it and I had the thought that you might not ever get to enjoy it . But even before the remodel you were content to run out there and lay on the teak coffee table to get a good brushing . I only wish it had been warm enough that morning to do it one last time . You were my cat , but I was absolutely your person . You used to stare down the ex - boyfriend - not in a way that was threatening , but more to say " she 's mine , I 'm not sure what you are needed for " . Obviously , there were some changes and Jesse came into the fold , but you quickly determined that you would accept him into the family . But , I would always be your person . You asked me for everything and it was my lap you sat in all the time . It was me who you wanted to spoon with . Jesse might do if I wasn 't around , but you and me . . . we had that bond . Speaking of Jesse , when were talking about you and all the things that were just SO you he contributed ' and just how frickin ' handsome he was . He probably knew it too . " I 'm a goooooood lookin ' cat . . . " ' . Lol . You were a handsome guy in your tuxedo suit and that special ' moon ' on your face . While you had the name Diablo we also called you Big D , Little D , D , old man , Buddy and Buster Boo - that last one was really Jesse 's contribution . We probably should have also referred to you as ' the hugger ' because you loved to wrap your arms around my neck , plant your head against mine , and give me a good hug . You were sweet like that . Obviously , his presence was missed right away , but seeing his favorite toys and not having him sit on my lap the moment I sat down in the home office were glaringly obvious to me ( he especially loved when I would put the down throw on my lap and would sometimes glare at me , waiting until I did so ) . I 've been on some asthma medication ( a symptom that came on with the virus that never wanted to leave ) and I forgot to take it the night before he died . I immediately noticed that breathing for me was difficult that morning , but even after I resumed the medication I have been having issues with this - mostly when I think of him or see his empty food dish . I had a stool next to my bed to make it a little easier for him to get into bed and after a night or two I realized it could be removed . Again , shortness of breath at the realization . Plus , every day I no longer have to avoid bumping into the stool is a reminder that he 's gone . I have been feeling his passing very physically , which is pretty typical for me , but feels very significant this time . Lots of headaches - in fact there were times that I had to force myself to stop crying since it hurt my head too much . At any rate , it 's getting better as most things do with time . Less than a week after he passed away I decided to donate his food ( he was on a special diet ) to the Animal Humane Society . It 's where he , Digger and Lucy were adopted from so it felt right to give back ( although I know my vet would have refunded me since I recently bought the food ) . I wasn 't sure when or how I wanted to handle this . . . would it be too hard to go there so soon ? Should I wait a couple months ? Should I have Jesse drop it off ? I could have waited , but I felt the need to go . Perhaps because I knew it was too early to get another cat that I thought it was safer to go and I thought Riley might find some value in understanding what the Humane Society was so I decided to drop off the food a handful of days later . As we left the Human Society , we saw one last cat in a space all by himself . We were struck by his face and the thick fur on his cheeks that gave him a unique look . Then he looked up and gave me those eyes . You know those eyes that say " take me home . I 'll be your best friend " and with that we hightailed it out of there before making a decision I shouldn 't . This week I thought I would feature our deck . Last spring we sat down and decided to tackle a number of projects on the house . One of them was a must fix since it involved a leak in our living room from the deck above . I hope to eventually write up a post about all the changes , but we 've run into a number of hiccups that have caused these projects to be completed way later than they should have . This week we are seeing the ( almost ) completion of our deck ( there were hiccups that will delay all the details being finished for awhile ) . I guess , it 's not a big deal that all the details won 't be finished right away since it was something like 9 below when I took these pictures . I 'm eager for the weather to warm up and for us to finally get new furniture for this deck . I can already see myself reading a book out here on a summer evening after Riley 's gone to bed . I can 't wait . ( Also , Diablo would have loved this . ) This week started out on a high note with Riley 's birthday , but quickly went downhill when our cat , Diablo , passed away the next day . I will write more about him soon , but I 'm pretty heartbroken right now . Initially , I was going to post one of the pictures I took of Riley playing with the balloon on her birthday , but in the end I felt like I wanted to take a picture that really represented our loss . Remnants of Diablo are everywhere and I catch my breath every time I see one of his toys or his favorite water dish or realize how quiet it is around the house without him purring or snoring away . We gave Diablo the above refillable catnip toy at Christmas . He loved these things and would destroy them pretty fast . In his last few days he seemed to spend more time with this toy even though we just gave him a new one . I 'm hoping it brought him comfort in some way . I know this is just a picture of a beat up toy , but there is so much emotion tied to it for me . It is what this week is about - torn , empty , alone . . . we miss him greatly , and I know with time the heartache will ease . This year Riley requested a polka dot party with all her friends . It was the first year that she was really invited to school friend 's parties so she wanted to have one too and we agreed . It was a fun time , but crazy . CRAZY . I 'm glad we did this for her , but would have rather capped the amount of kids at 5 or 6 . She invited 19 and about 13 kids were able to make it . I tried to think of some polka dot themed games and decided to get twister . I had a couple other games I thought we would try , but they weren 't very well thought out and we never got to them . Jesse doesn 't really like to plan out things for this - he 's more along the line of letting the kids do whatever , but that makes it feel so chaotic to me . Lets just say that two hours felt sooooooo long . We started with some art stuff . Kids could decorate a bag which I filled with trinkets before they left . I had markers and daubers ( polka dots makers ! ) , googly eyes ( at Riley 's request ) and pom pom balls . The kids then kicked around the balloons which was fun until it wasn 't . There were a couple ' rough ' kids and one ripped a balloon out of Riley 's hands . . . and then the crying commenced . . . but luckily she got over it . A few of the kid 's really got into twister . I wasn 't sure if this game would be age appropriate since some of these kid 's are still trying to master their left and right ( including my daughter ) , but that didn 't seem to matter . It was fun to watch them attempt this game . Many of the parents just dropped off their kids which was fine with me since that meant less small talk . The parents that stayed were friends of Jesse and mine and one of our neighbors so we had some other adult support , but the kid 's that were the wildest did not have their parents there . One girl we really like , but she is wild and basically stole all the remaining trinkets out of bag after I filled each of the kid 's bags . In the end , I think Riley enjoyed the party , but even she seemed exhausted by the wilder kids and I think she would have been happy with something smaller . Luckily I feel like she 'll be fine going back to celebrating with the grandparents next year . Speaking of grandparents , my in laws also attended the party and helped up set up which was so helpful ! Unfortunately , my dad had a stomach bug so he couldn 't come , but really this was a party for the kids . We served cupcakes ( which happened to be Valentine 's themed since they were the only ones in the size we wanted at the store ) and then Riley opened gifts . I kept trying to keep the kid 's seated , but wow . . . they just kept getting in her face and then tried to play with some of her new stuff . This is truly proof that I would make a horrible bouncer . We had a couple people help us clean up , especially my friend Josie . She brought her two girls who were so sweet and well behaved . I 'm so glad they were able to make it . The next day ( Riley 's birthday ) I planned to take Riley to breakfast . I had the day off since I had to work the next Saturday and had planned out a doctor appointment for myself and one later for Riley . I also thought I would find some unique non - chain restaurant to go to with Riley , but when I looked at menus I decided that Perkins had the most fun kid options for breakfast . Riley had rainbow pancakes and was pretty excited , but as we sat there I noticed that her one eye was pretty red and crusty , We knew she had a cold coming on , but it seemed clear now . I debated about bringing her to school , but just didn 't feel comfortable doing so especially since I had the day off . After breakfast we went home to play with some of Riley 's new toys before I had to head out for a mammogram . I wasn 't sure about bringing Riley ( and may have explained too much too soon about the process to her - ha ! ) , but I didn 't want to cancel the appointment . I was going to a new office , but the old one I went to had a private locked room right next to the mammogram room , but this was not the set up here . I didn 't realize it right away , but they ended up bringing me down the hall while Riley sat in a special waiting room with her Kindle . Luckily it only took a few minutes , but it felt really weird to leave her like that . I 'm not sure it was the right thing , but she survived and I don 't plan to do it anytime soon again . Some woman offered to stay with her , but she seemed ok . Actually , when we arrived at the doctor 's office there was a super strong smell of weed . It was really , really bad . One of the nurses eventually shared that someone put a towel in the break room microwave , but seriously . . . what was that towel wrapped around ? A block of marijuana ? I texted Jesse that he 'd probably come home to Riley and I sleeping after we finished off a bunch of cookies . Riley has a coloring app that she loves where she can color in a picture and then add to it . While I was getting my mammogram she colored the following picture for me . I 'm pretty sure that dinosaur has the munchies and is about eat all those marshmallows that are on sticks and that Riley may have had a contact high . After Riley 's nap I took her to her wellness exam where we discovered that she 's still tall ( 72 % ) and still skinny ( 35 % ) . No surprises at her appointment except for the vaccinations - we just weren 't expecting them this time . Riley was a huge trooper when she got her shots and walked away proudly with three princess stickers . It 's a little long , but it amuses me . At the end she mentions that she wants to interview me next so I think I will let her do that soon . I can 't wait to hear the questions she asks me . We ended the night watching old videos of Riley . Lots of laughing was involved and over all it was just a really good day . Can 't believe my kid is already 5 years old . |
I never learned to keep house . In high school , I had a typical clean - up routine prior to my parents ' return from work : throw out old periodicals / newspapers , put dishes in dishwasher , vacuum living room , start dinner . I was a busy student with lots of activities . That routine managed to keep any additional demands at bay . When I lived alone , I cleaned before I had visitors . Fortunately , I entertained frequently . No , I didn 't clean very well . Anyway , who needs fussy friends ? When I started this job as a SAHM , I bought or borrowed a few books on the subject . I paid some attention to commercials . ( I learned a lot about cleaning from commercials ) . I hired a cleaning lady and tried to follow her around once . She didn 't like that . A friend gave me the " Flylady " book . I read it until I got to the part about CHAOS ( can 't have anyone over syndrome ) . The premise was that my messy house was causing me a great deal of embarrassment and consternation . The book implied that I wasn 't willing to have people over because I was so dissatisfied . I wasn 't " loving myself . " Oh , I love myself . Unfortunately , I was never properly wired to be embarrassed about my house . I learned a few useful tricks , then I lost the book in a pile of other books , only to find it again about four years later . I went to playgroup at homes that were very clean , and I interviewed my friends who lived in those homes . It would go something like : " Oh , so you make your bed every morning , and then you clean the bathroom every week . Wow , that sounds like it takes a lot of time . " " Yes , I guess . But , don 't you just feel so good when your house is sparkling clean ? " My answer was " no , " but I think the one time I actually said it , the rest of the playgroup didn 't go very well . I stopped talking to playgroup about cleaning . I called my sister . Her house is pretty clean most of the time . " A clean house is the sign of a sick mind . Isn 't that what Mom says ? " " Why is your house so clean ? " " My husband doesn 't think it 's a waste of tim6 It just has to be tough to have geeky parents ( I hear my husband saying ' speak for yourself ' ) . No , really , we try so hard , too hard , and our poor children are doomed to geekhood . They need a dirty - rotten - uncle to keep things balanced . The second day of 1st grade , I was having a pleasant dinner with my children . They were asking all sorts of questions , as usual , and we meandered over to the subject of poop . It is a weighty topic for the 3 to 6 year old set . They wanted to know where poop goes when you flush . It is a good question , and not the first time that they asked . I explained the sewer system . I explained sewage treatment plants . I explained that , ultimately , it becomes earth again and is great fertilizer for plants . " Plants eat poop ? " " Good thing you aren 't a tree , huh ? " I said . " Gross , Mom ! " ( Every once in awhile , you need to get a " Gross , Mom ! " just to make sure you aren 't too much of a nerd ) . We had covered all of this before . Finally , I told them that we also benefit from what the trees don 't need . They give of carbon dioxide . . . I went on . . . . " So , I guess you could say that we breathe tree farts . " Yes , I really said that . Seems even more ridiculous to actually write it , trust me . They looked at me . No laughter . No " Gross Mom ! " I was thinking that I really missed the boat this time . Come on , that HAS to be funny to a six year old . I 'm not that lame . " What 's a fart , Mom ? " Factoid : Today would be my great aunt 's birthday . If she were still with us , she would be 110 years old . When Andrew was at school and George was down for a nap , Gladys and I made tortilla dough . She was helping me . " You scoop , I 'll dump ! " That 's what she always says . So , I was scoopng , she was dumping , and I started singing some made - up - tune about making dough . She started hugging me , right there standing on the chair next to me . " Why are you hugging me , Sweetie ? You are my sweet girl . " I said giving her a squeeze back . Then , as lovingly as ever and with a big squeeze , she said , " You are my adult . " Today was Andrew 's first day of full day school . He 's in first grade . He 's such a big boy and such a little boy all at the same time . Sigh . Okay . That 's quite enough of that . I 'll give you one snapshot of my day . When a woman in the PTA stopped by to pick up some materials for the meeting tonight , the following things were going on in my house : George was sleeping , Gladys was stopping around in dress - up clothes with cookie - dough hands , cookies were baking , vegetables were in my braising pot ready to burn , mail was falling off the island , ribbons and card stock were on the floor from a just - done project , laundry was piled on the couch , the dryer was beeping with more , ingredients were everywhere , bags from Target were still on the floor , extra school supplies were in the front hall , my phone was out of batteries , a sandy baby blanket was still on my porch , sixteen pairs of shoes were by the door , crayons were under the table , and my son 's bus was returning from school in less than five minutes . I don 't really know her all that well . I forgot to find one of the sheets she needed . When I ran upstairs to print a new one , she stirred my vegetables . I gave her the sheet . I put shoes on the feet for which I 'm responsible ( there were plenty of shoes to choose from ) . I turned off the braising vegetables , and ran out the door with my camera , just in time to get a HUGE hug from my son running off the bus . Andrew was greeted with a very special cookie made by his sister . We said prayers before dinner and ate a braised whole chicken in wine and herbs , on a clean table and over a ( hastily ) swept - clean floor . I am pretty sure that is not how I expected Andrew 's first day of school to look on the day he was born . I am glad I finally have things in perspective . 3 On Sunday night , our family had dinner over at my vegetarian friend 's home . She prepared steak . Now , you might think that is a little odd ( it is , isn 't it ? ) but she is the type of person who would make an expensive entrée for her friends with no intention of eating it herself . It was some fabulous dry - aged beef . Wow . The event was significant for several reasons . Besides the fact that she was going out on of her way to make beef for us , she also has not had us over in years . The last time my husband was at her home , he had an allergic reaction to her cat . Anyway , she doesn 't host many formal dinner parties . People show up on her doorstep and she feeds them , it simply isn 't so planned . And , let 's see , the last time she had planned a formal dinner , they cancelled on her several times , until it just became awkward altogether . She was very excited about this momentous dinner party . She was very proud that she had overcome her self - described dinner - party anxieties . No pressure . Several things attempted to get in the way of being able to schedule this dinner party . We managed to dodge them . I couldn 't believe she was making beef , but I told my husband that he would eat it and say it was wonderful if it killed him ( of course , it actually was wonderful ) . Thank goodness , because my husband is a horrible liar . He 's painfully honest . ( I love that . ) I hoped that my husband would stay away from her cat . She put the cat away somewhere and had most likely vacuumed ten times . Our kids generally play very nicely together , but you never know . Andrew had been a little snippy last time they were together . Her son is sensitive , mine is sometimes a little insensitive . Things were going well . We were all enjoying a drink . The kids were playing . The appetizers were delightful . The cat was nowhere to be seen . I relaxed , and I am not sure she was ever nervous . Andrew and her son were having so much fun , they decided to go upstairs to be away from the girls . Fabulous ! " Mrs . E ! Something is wrong with Andrew 's eye ! " Andr3 She 's gone . I got the phone call today . My eyes are puffy , teary . I 've been sobbing . No , really sobbing . I didn 't think I would do that . I guess I didn 't really think about it . She was ready . She told me she would go sometime . I knew she would . She 's just gone . She died Wednesday . It 's Friday night . I just got the phone call . I asked if there is a memorial service planned . " No , no memorial , nothing like that . She donated herself to science . " She would do that . She never did anything the expected way . She didn 't follow the rules . She would do that . She would just leave . She was done , so why wouldn 't she just leave ? I want to call her and ask her why . She would say , " Honey , its not so fun getting old . Its uncomfortable , and you end up spending a lot of time with old people . " She always told me that old people talk too much about their aches and pains . She would tell me about hers , if I asked . Mostly she wanted to see the kids . She wanted to touch their hands and read to them . She wanted to see them smile . It made her smile too . She told me once that there was no way she could be a mother today . It was just too hard . She saw what I did and she just couldn 't do it . She told me that when she was a young mom , kids just went out and played . There weren 't so many expectations . She told me not to worry about cleaning my house . She told me I was doing the right thing spending my time with my kids . She told me not to worry . She told me I am young . She liked to write . I wish I had her writings . She gave me one of her stories once . It was one of her favorite stories , I think . In her early 20 's , right out of college ( probably 1946 ) she and her girlfriend drove across country . They didn 't pack much . They washed their panties in the sink . In Wyoming , they almost ran out of gas . They rolled into a gas station . The gas station attendant said , " Ladies , you were flirtin ' with walkin ' . " She loved that line . She liked breaking the rules , just enough to keep people thinking . She liked flirting wit7 On Wednesday , when we were on our 12 - mile bike ride on some local trails , a friend of mine convinced me to take a day trip to an island in the Great Lakes . The magic wand that was so prophetically waved at me on Monday in the park , must have been very powerful indeed . We went . Three moms , seven kids , and packed lunches all shoved gracefully into two minivans . The day was beautiful . We had almost a straight flush of kids aged 1 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 6 , & 7 . We rode around the island . The 6 & 7 yr old boys led the pack . My barely six year old , Andrew , kept up in spite of his being both smaller and having a 16 - inch bike ( vs . his friend 's 20 " bike with gears ) . He pedaled like a maniac . The magic wand must have given him special energy as well . Did I mention the day was beautiful ? We stopped for lunch and the kids threw rocks into the lake . We stopped for ice cream and George was completely covered in vanilla . We stopped after 15 miles and the kids ran to play on the playground . ( George and Gladys had been in the trailer , so of course they had a little energy left ) . Their mother who had been hauling them around was still going stronger than she should have . . . . The older boys actually started fighting over playing with George on the playground . They all wanted to help the one - year - old . They were chasing him around to the stairs , helping him up , lifting him to the highest slide , then racing to the bottom of the slide to catch him . Over and over they did this . George was stumbling along , hardly able to stand up he was so tired . It was already after 4pm . My two friends had been talking over by the vans , packing up , while I watch the kids at the playground . When they came over , I asked what seemed like an obvious question , " So , did you call the hubbies ? Are we grabbing a martini and watching the sun set ? " We all had the same thing on our minds . We decided to stay . By then , it was nearly 5pm but we decided to head down the beach anyway . One of my friends ran over and bought some refreshments for the adults . We didn 't bri1 comments The night prior to writing about the " knock knock " jokes , there was a ' tick - tacker ' at our door . That 's right , someone rang our doorbell between the hours of 12 : 30 and 5am and ran away . I was so tired that morning that I looked on the porch for a package , as if some PTA mom had decided to drop off brownies that night . Ha ! I decided it was probably some stupid slumber - party dare . This is the suburbs . Wednesday night was far more difficult to ignore . I was out babysitting for a friend ( cool parents go to rock concerts ) until midnight . I had dozed off and on , so I was a little foggy when I left their house . I passed some apartments on the main road and saw three or four police vehicles with their lights on . Wow , I thought . That looks like a pretty big deal . Then a police vehicle turned on his lights right behind me . I slowed down , practically swerved , looked at my speed , my heart raced . Then his lights turned off again . Okay , wasn 't for me . Anyway , I was barely doing 30 in a 35 zone . I was awake now . I noticed five more police cars on the other side of the intersection with their lights on . It looked a lot like that rock concert I had missed . On the other side of the street , there were four or five more cars parked with their lights off . People were milling around . As I drove between the stopped cars , it became clear that the vehicles on both sides of the street were ALL police vehicles . There were probably 8 or 10 . Officers were walking along the road with their nightsticks looking for something . There was no accident . There was no ambulance . There was just an incredible amount of interest in the side of the road . After I drove through , two police officers whizzed by me . I was driving nice and carefully now , fully alert . Someone was tailgating . It was an SUV with its running lights on . I thought it was very odd that someone was tailgating right after a crime scene . I mean , doesn 't everyone act like a Nobel Peace Prize recipient right after passing a police car ? Mother Teresa wouldn 't drive better than5 After writing a long and rambling post last night , I woke up this morning with only the car ride home echoing in my head . " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " Who 's there ? " ( Gladys ) " Lawn mower " ( Andrew ) " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " Who 's there ? " ( Gladys ) " Lawn mower " ( Andrew ) " Knock knock " " Who 's there ? " " Lawn mower " " Knock knock " ( George ) " Knock knock " " Who 's there ? " " Aren 't you glad I didn 't say lawn mower ? " " Knock knock " ( George ) " Pete and repeat were in a boat , Pete fell out , who was left ? " ( Andrew ) " Repeat " ( Gladys ) " Knock knock " ( George ) " Pete and repeat were in a boat , Pete fell out , who was left ? " ( Andrew ) " Repeat ! " ( Gladys ) " Knock knock " ( George ) The truth is , I was joining in too . I used to think it was annoying . Okay , I still occasionally think its annoying . But , for some reason , yesterday it was okay . That is why they keep doing it . Because , every once in awhile , Mommy comes up with a knock knock joke " " Knock knock " ( Andrew ) " You are there " ( Mommy ) " You are who ? " ( Andrew ) I 'm your mother , didn 't you know that by now ? ? Aww , Mom ! Do you have any good ones ? ? We had your basic suburban day . I caught myself running down the driveway this morning , dressed in a brown baby - doll summer dress , barefoot , trying to give my husband the ice water he had poured for himself before he ran out the door . I caught up to him on the street . I gave him his water . He gave me a kiss , leaning out his open window . I said , " Oh , my , this feels very suburban . " He said , " I think I sort of like it . " I ran back into the house , straight into the kitchen , and was so distracted I made the worst pancakes I 've ever made in my entire life ( except for the ones I made over at a friend 's house , but I can 't tell you about it because she might read this ) . They looked weird ( the pancakes , not my friend ) . Andrew cheerfully said that they looked like lily pad pancakes ( no one should be so cheerful in the morning ) . George threw his entire 20 - pound body forward far enough to grab one , took a bite , and promptly threw it further than I had ever seen him throw anything . Curious , I took a bite myself . I forgot the sugar . " That 's okay , " Andrew said just as cheerfully , " we dip them in syrup anyway . " ( As a mother , I should have thought of that myself , but we all slip occasionally ) . " Fabulous , I made lily - pad panbread ! What a terrific breakfast ! " They gobbled them up . I looked for that iced coffee I had stowed somewhere in the refrigerator . Where was that coffee ? I had a PTA meeting this morning . The subject of the PTA will provide a great deal of amusement for the rest of the school year , so I will leave that for later . We decided to ride our bikes , mostly because it is much easier to get the kids out of the house that way . The kids were in " babysitting , " which meant that they were watching a movie with other children only slightly older than they are . I spent a brief moment talking to one of the faculty members . When I found my children , they were alone , completely glued to the television . Andrew was laughing out loud . They left happily . We rode home , stopping only briefly at my friend 1 comments su My kids and I have been doing a lot of biking lately . It has been fun , even liberating , to get on a bicycle again . That feeling of the wind in my hair racing down a hill just brings back proper perspective . Today , I even had the joy of hearing Gladys whooping it up in the trailer when we hit top speed . " Whheeeeeeeee ! ! ! ! Let 's do it again ! ! ! ! " I have been taking the kids to a long , pretty flat trail about 30 or so minutes away from our house . We 've been taking a nearly 12 - mile jaunt , stopping for lunch at the farthest point . I think Andrew has really done well finally being able to ' let loose ' and ride without my constant yelling " watch for cars " and " look both ways before you cross . " The suburbs are nice and all , but they are a stifling in so many ways . Today , we went to a closer trail that is only about a mile in one direction and has one fairly large hill at the far end . Andrew wasn 't too keen on the hill on the way up , but I had the foresight to park the car at the lowest point ( I 'm pretty clever that way , okay , lazy , but all they remember is the final stretch ) . When we stopped for a snack , an older woman passed by with her husband . She commented on how much energy I have . " You have a lot of energy , " she said . I thanked her , of course . After she walked away , I wasn 't sure if she was simply commenting on my athleticism , or if somehow she had bestowed energy upon me . " You have a lot of energy . " It was as if she was waving a magic wand when she said it . I was sitting at the picnic table with Andrew , Gladys , and George enjoying our fiber bars after our first two " laps " at the 2 - mile trail , thinking about nature . I have read so many articles lately about how children don 't get outdoors enough anymore . And , when they do , there is always an adult directing the events . I try really hard to let my kids explore ( see , I try really hard to NOT orchestrate the events . . . there is irony there somewhere ) . I do . I let them sit down in the river and search under rocks . I let them choose 2 I am a practical woman . I don 't put on airs , I rarely even put on make - up . I don 't particularly like shopping . ( I DO like buying , of course , but not the shopping part ) . As the weather improved this spring , I noticed that none of my clothes fit . This was a happy occasion . For the past seven years I had been pregnant , or just post - pregnancy . For the first time , I finally had a one - year old and no plans for procreation . My body is mine again . I could buy clothes . After searching through my closet for any worthwhile , unstained , unstretched threads , I decided I needed most everything . It was ugly . I absolutely had to go shopping . My husband does very well and we are more than comfortable , but let 's just remind ourselves that I am at heart a fairly practical woman . I don 't like shopping ; I like buying . I went to the outlet mall . My oldest was at school . I bribed my three - year - old with a promised trip to feed the ducks next door . George was just happy to be along . I decided that I don 't like looking bad . That seems obvious , doesn 't it ? Even more than that , I wanted to take advantage of my empty closet to only buy clothes that I actually like . Clothes that I feel good in . So I did . I bought three skirts , a handful of cotton / spandex tops , one pair of standard khaki shorts , and a couple summer dresses . That 's right , just one pair of shorts for the whole summer . I wore skirts and dresses all summer . I didn 't own shorts in my 20 's either , I worked and lived in Japan . I always wore skirts and dresses , except when I was actually running or in the gym . I rode my bike to work every day in a suit skirt . In the mix was one particular white cotton barely knee - length , gathered , skirt that I really hesitated to buy . After all , what kind of crazy person has three small , often muddy children and runs around in a white cotton skirt ? I wore it all summer . I wore it every week . I wore it hiking around Devil 's Tower in Wyoming . I wore it camping at Fort Niagara . I wore it to my son 's t - ball games and sat in the grass . I worcomments Less than two weeks before school starts : thirteen days and counting . For six years , yes , since my first was born , I have looked forward to sending them to school . I know for those first six months of his life I would have given my eyeteeth to just send him to school for one day . Please , please , just get me through the day I would think . Where did this child come from ? Okay , I knew that part , but what craziness entrusted me with a child ? I desperately wanted children . We had fertility issues , we tried " forever " , but those first sixth months were mind - boggling . I thought they would never end . I was SO tired . I had only one friend in the new town ( who is , remarkably , still my friend ) . I was SO alone with the child . I craved human interaction that didn 't involve having a human attached to me . I had lost myself a little . I missed me . Where was I in all of this mess ? My old self is still there , she is my friend , but she isn 't me . I love her , I think of her often , I even wonder what she would think if she could see me now . That woman had her heart all in one place . She made plans and moved forward , undaunted . Confident in a way that you can be when your heart is all yours . I agreed to share my heart when I married . I cried about that . I knew that my decisions were still mine , but they were also ours . I became tangled up . It is a happy tangle . Then we had a baby . I thought postpartum was that short time right after birth . I didn 't realize that my heart would be running around in someone else 's body too . Then we had two more babies . Now my heart can run in five directions at once . It can be broken and filled with joy within the same moment . I 'm so blessed . I can barely breathe . School starts in 13 days . I am not ready . We have school supplies . My husband wants to take him clothes shopping . He has a lunchbox . My son is ready . He 's so ready . I am proud of him . I want him to go to school . I want to see his broad smile getting on that bus . I want to see the confidence he has running back down the street , asking i0 There is constant conversation in my house . People are always talking . Most of the time , several people are talking at once . Even George , who only has a few words , talks all the time . We aren 't sure what he is saying , but I am sure he is sure what he is saying . His words now include : Mama , Dada , all done , ball , mine , and no . Since he only has about six words or so , he rarely asks very difficult questions . I rarely have time to think my own thoughts without being asked a question . George is always refreshing . I thought I would have time to think today , but mostly I just talked to the kids while I rode my bike . We went over 11 miles on the bicycles , it was a beautiful ride in the fresh air . I said " oh really , " about 60 times per mile . In between , I had to think of reasonable answers to seemingly random questions . I was amazed at how many comments I received from people I have never met too . I am a pretty friendly person . I tend to make eye contact and give a polite ' hello . ' I 'll even make a pleasant remark now and then . Today , just having my children talk to me was not enough , everyone else talked to me too . When I was putting the bicycles on the back of the van in my own driveway , a person jogging by told me that it was going to rain . " Looks like you might get wet , " he said . " Oooh , aren 't they so cute in the trailer ? ? " I got a lot of that . " You even have healthy snacks for them . " " Looks like you have your hands full . " " What a busy mommy ! " I got something like that a few times . My kids said things like : " Look , Mom , a cardinal . What kind of animal is that one ? " " How much further until lunch ? " " Why are those cinder blocks there ? Maybe they had a pig roast ? " " On our left is the such - and - such river . The river is over there , why is this bridge here over the bulrushes ? " " How many different kinds of trees do you need to have a mixed forest ? " " I think Uranus ' East pole is hot . Well , if it 's going around with the sun on its left side . If it 's going around the other way , I guess0 There is something about vomit that brings us all together as humans . As a mother , I see it all too frequently . No matter how impressive it is , my mind always wanders back to my favorite vomit story . Don 't have a favorite vomit story ? Feel free to borrow mine . It was Christmas in Japan 1994 . I worked for a Fortune 500 company , but there were only three of us ( plus a shared secretary ) in our division 's office : a British manager , a Japanese engineer , and a young American female engineer ( yours truly ) . Saying it that way sounds like the beginning of a bad joke . Maybe it is . But it 's true . The three of us , my boss 's wife , and our shared secretary went out to dinner for our Christmas party . We then met back at my apartment for drinks and dessert . I had a lovely three - bedroom apartment on the fifth floor , overlooking the river . The living / dining area was a large room with two sliding glass doors onto a wrap - around balcony . The place was very nicely furnished . We were all dressed nicely . I played delightful Christmas music such as Bing Crosby 's White Christmas . We sat around and talked . Suzuki - san , the Japanese engineer , took an occasional smoke break out on the balcony . A bit after midnight , everyone went home . The next morning , my very quiet American neighbor on the seventh floor called me . " Quite the party last night , eh ? " " Party last night ? " I asked . " I had a few people over . I 'm sorry , were we loud ? " I was very confused . Why is this man calling ? ? Sure , I enjoy entertaining , but certainly we couldn 't have disturbed HIM on the seventh floor ? Huh ? " I can 't get to work . " " What ? " I asked , even more confused now . " Have you looked outside ? " " Well , no , what are you talking about , exactly ? " I wasn 't quite dressed yet , so didn 't want to go running out to my balcony . " I 'm sorry , there simply aren 't words to describe it . You 'll just have to go look . " I quickly dressed and peeked out my sliding glass door . Nothing . Ha ! Wasn 't my party . I went down the elevator and out the front door3 " Mrs . E ! Mrs . E ! The camper is going to catch on fire ! ! " I love parties . Yes , there are preparations to make and there is never enough time . But , somehow , when the first guest arrives all of that melts away . All that is left is me in my cotton dress , a mint julep in my hand , the smell of smoked meat infusing my home with a mood of celebration . . . and friends , hopefully lots of them . That was how my son 's 6th birthday began , much like many of our parties . People arriving , kids excited , happiness , hugs , " Can I get you something ? " " Oh , what lovely wrapping , yes , put it over there , dear . " The weather was beautiful . The party started . Andrew had given me precise specifications for his cake . He wanted a homemade ( by mom ) devil 's food sheet cake . On top should be a pick - up truck ( Ford F - 250 ) towing a fifth wheel trailer . They should be at their campsite , still hitched , but with the stabilizers down . It should all be made out of cake , icing , and candy . " Mom , that 's pretty much what I meant ! " That 's what Andrew told me when he saw the cake the morning of his party . I felt the warm , happy feeling of success . After dinner , the kids were running around the backyard as kids do . The hula hoop had managed to get up in a tree . The boys and girls were threatening to turn to tribal warfare ( okay , not really ) , but either way it was time for cake . The kids swarmed like wasps at a pig roast . Before I could snap two digital pictures , my husband lit the candles . " Mrs . E ! Mrs . E ! The camper is going to catch on fire ! ! " The oohs and ahhs , the giggles and screams , it was unbelievable . Per my husband 's brilliant suggestion , I used an entire box of candles in the ' campfire ' I had put on the cake . The campfire was surrounded by ' rocks ' of chocolate covered peanuts . By the time we managed to put out the fire some of the peanuts had their chocolate melted off . Wax was running down the cake . My " warm , happy " feeling of success had turned into a " hot , explosive " feeling of success . You just can 't buy a ca3 It is summertime . I did not set an agenda today . The kids played . I cleaned , a little . Andrew played the piano ; we listened . I vacuumed , the kids dusted . They asked me to read , we finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . We imagined meeting Mr . Wonka . They fought . They practiced making - up , again . We played in the backyard . The kids watered the raspberries and picked the only three red juicy ones . They ran to me and showed me their harvest . Andrew carefully washed them with the hose . He saved one for George , who was napping . Later , he ate it for him . We played in the front yard . I got to pretend to be the baby this time . I took a nap under the tree . Gladys tucked me in , then joined me . A minute later , Andrew was there too , lying under the tree . There we were , three people lying under the tree in the front yard . Cars drove by . They must have been going somewhere ; doing something . We didn 't . We did nothing . I was lying there with my children thinking about motherhood . I am a well - educated person . I have never seen a study that shows any specific positive result derived from lying under a tree with your children . I have never seen it . I wondered if I made more of an impact today on my world than the soul who drove by . Can you study that ? What is the net present value of a woman lying in the grass with her children ? I have found recently I can tell better by what things are not , than what they are . The value of motherhood is not in this one particular day . The value is in the fact that today was not particularly special . I wondered if 60 years from now my children will be having dinner together . They will remember the harvest . " Remember all those raspberries ? " " Oh , yeah , they were so sweet ! " " I wonder why Mom never made jam . . . " Will they say that ? As mothers , we think we need to make jam out of three raspberries . The children know how to just eat them and remember their sweetness . Today was my son Andrew 's sixth birthday . As he would be quick to tell you " the party is really on Friday . " Yes , but he was still six today . It was an unusual day . Gladys and I were sick , so my husband took off work . That alone is highly unusual . Not that he isn 't caring and helpful , but taking off work is a very big deal . My husband took Andrew to the grocery store . That isn 't unusual , not as unusual as the fact that we had very little food in the house . Since it was his birthday , Andrew picked dinner : fresh fried calamari and penne alfredo . They had gone to the meat market and Andrew saw squid , one of his favorite foods . My husband deep fried it and whipped up two dipping sauces that were mayonnaise based . I despise the taste of mayonnaise . I loved both of his sauces . None of that was unusual . Since the party isn 't until Friday , we didn 't have cake tonight . After dinner , my husband and I decided we would offer the kids ice cream and then give Andrew a gift . All we had in the house was " Spumoni " ice cream . It 's another story where the ice cream came from , but it had been in there for a few weeks . My husband and I had never tried it , nor had the kids . Pistachio - cherry - chocolate ice cream is now a new family favorite . Everyone loved it . They were excited to try it . Andrew said " Mom , it 's a crazy thing , you think its cherry and then , POW , its pistachio and then all of the sudden chocolate walks right in ! " He really said that . I think that was unusual . Andrew was very surprised when we handed him a gift . " Where did this come from ? " he asked bewildered . He was really surprised . We gave him a gift last year . Giving a gift to a kid on their birthday probably isn 't that unusual . He seemed to think it was unusual . " Its from us . Its just something little because today is actually your birthday . " " Oh , cool . " He opened the card first , with a big smile . I could seem him smile bigger when he read the part that said " We love you . " He took awhile to open the gift . He didn 't tear it 5 But first , a " classy " head - shot for Ohmommy whose invitation got lost in the mail . The Most Honored Guest Deluxe AccomodationsExperienced BartendingGourmet CookingHot ! Hot ! Hot ! Future VegetarianShameless ViolenceSweet BootyContact SportGreat legs ! ! ! Spa - like Mud TreatmentThe late - night show . Watch for the Executive Summary tomorrow . . . . |
I must admit that I have been beyond horrible with reading books this year . I used to be such an avid reader but the past year or two I just really haven 't been motivated to do much reading . I 'm blaming it on the DVR . I always say I 'm going to do better and make more of an effort to read books like I used to but life always seems to get in the way . Hopefully this time I will stick to what I say and get busy reading . I started Water for Elephants on the plane ride over to France and read all of one chapter . I think I may have mentioned how miserable the flight from the States to France was and I really just didn 't feel like reading much . Then when I got to France , there was so much going on I didn 't have time to read . Finally , last week , I picked the book back up and decided I would give it a go - it was a slow week for the DVR - and I 'm glad I did . Multiple people who saw me with the book at the gym told me how good it was which only made me want to keep reading it . I decided to give this book a try after hearing about it from a lady at church . I don 't even know if she read it , but she mentioned it to me on a Wednesday night and I bought it the next week . The book is about a man who , by rather terrible circumstances ends up working with a traveling circus . If you 've long been a reader of this blog , then you probably know I am a lover of the circus and have always thought it would be super cool to travel with the circus , so this book was right up my alley . The man , Jacob Jankowski is ninety - three when the story begins and the books flashes between his present day life in a nursing home and how he ended up on the circus and all the craziness that ensues once he is fully employed with the circus . He ends up involved in all sorts of circus chaos and even falls in love with the show 's most beloved performer , Marlena , which is the main plot of the story . There are many side stories all intertwined with the main love story and there is a lot of good vs . evil throughout . The characters are each wellnat Last Thursday , while I was getting ready for work , I noticed that the weatherman said it was going to be a blistering 96 degrees outside . It had been hot the day before ( 98 or so ) and the forecast was in the low 90s . So , I figured if they were forecasting 96 and really hot then it would be a great day to try to get in a day of cooking in the car . So , after I got dressed and put on my face ( as the older ladies like to say ) , I grabbed a box of brownie mix from the pantry and got to work mixing it up . Soon after , it was in the pan and ready for a day of baking on the dashboard oven . Once I got to work , I placed the dish on the dash and headed in . I forgot to get the exact time , but it was some time after 7 : 00 . I did not go out and check on the brownies at lunch time because I knew they would need the whole day of undisturbed baking . I left work and headed out to the car around 4 : 30 or so . I was excited to see the progress of the brownies . I opened up the car door and proceeded to take the pan out of the dashboard and let me tell you , people , that pan was HOT ! I nearly needed an oven mitt to hold it and couldn 't hold it for a long period of time . I was going to set the brownies in my lap to take a photo but the pan was too hot to hold in my lap . So instead , I got out of the car and placed the pan in the front seat to take the photo . The brownies had formed a thin crusty layer at the top - you know that flaky top brownie layer . The insides , however , were still pretty runny . There were small chocolate chips in the batter and they had all melted but the brownies were not cooked all the way through . They were a tad bit thicker than when I had first placed them in the car but no where near being able to cut and eat like a real brownie . I ended up taking them home and finished the baking in the oven . I served them up at work the next day and they were eaten by many . I had some left over to take home too and ate the remainder over the weekend . My phone told me the temperature got up to 99 degrees and the heat index was 102 . I can 't remember if I mentioned it or not , but I would really like to get a thermometer to put beside whatever I 'm cooking in the car so we can all see how hot it gets in there . I know , and you do too that the inside of a car gets way hotter than the outside temperature . So , I 'm anxious to get a thermometer to see just how hot it gets on the dashboard oven . This cooking in the car experiment somehow left a greasy spot on my dash which gives me a chuckle each day . Guess I should have put a towel up there or something . I wonder what people think when they walk by my car - do they even notice that there is something cooking on the dash ? Hmmm , I wonder . I 'm not sure that we are going to have many more scorchers this summer , thankfully . The temps have been in the low to mid 90s as of late , unlike Texas where they are still suffering from 100 plus degree days . Yikes ! I 'll keep my eye out for another hot day and see if I can 't come up with something else to cook before the summer is out . As always , your suggestions are welcome . Posted by Hope everyone out there had a good weekend . I did , it just wasn 't long enough , but that 's how it always seems I suppose . This coming up weekend , however , will be a little bit longer as it is Labor Day , the unofficial end to summer . I wish it was the official end to hot weather , but unfortunately we will have to suffer a little longer when it comes to the heat . Friday night I went to the Madison Academy game with my dad and brother . MA lost , but we still managed to have a nice time and see some decent football . The MA concession stand offered stellar food as always and I visited it twice , once before the game and once during half time . It 's just not football without a visit to the concession stand . On Saturday morning , I got a haircut and then did my weekly grocery shopping . After I got home , I had a bite to eat and then loaded up The Tide and took her down to pet wash at Goin ' To The Dogs and Cats retail store in Five Points . I usually just bathe The Tide at home , but as you can imagine , it makes a huge mess and is a lot of work so I thought I would give this pet wash a try . It was the best decision I have ever made … well , as far as bathing The Tide is concerned anyway . The owner clipped The Tide 's nails for me and then set me up for bathing The Tide . The wash stand was awesome and I didn 't have to bend over far which was good for the ole back . The dog wash provides the shampoo and towels and even a super duper hair dryer which blows off excess dead skin and dog hair and the best part of all is that after you are done , they clean up the wash station in preparation for the next dog . I was so excited I thought I might cry from joy ! The cost was $ 15 but it was well worth it , especially considering a nail trim alone at PetSmart is $ 11 ; not to mention the fact that I didn 't have to clean up a dirty / hairy bathtub after the Tide got all clean . I will definitely be using this place again . After the dog wash was complete , I did a little straightening and cleaning of the house as best I could anyway . It ' sSaturday evening , I went out with Jackie to a charity concert . Some of our friends put together a show to raise money for a child that has Muscular Dystrophy . The insurance the child 's mother has won 't cover a lot of the medical costs associated with the child 's MD and so our friends put on this show to raise money to pay for the child 's medical costs . There were a lot of different bands playing and it was a fun night . One of the bands ' even had a song called Ms . Parker . I couldn 't make out the rest of the lyrics , but every time they sang MS . Parker , I was intrigued . I had ridden with Jackie ; so , about 11 : 00 , I asked her to drive me home so I wouldn 't be too exhausted for church the next morning . If it had been a Friday night , I would have definitely stayed later because I was having a great time and all the music was really wonderful . The band our friends are in , The Robertsons Jackie took this with her iPhone . I look really engrossed with what 's going on . After church Sunday morning , I went over to my friend Robert 's house to see his newborn baby . Little Aston is a little over two weeks old now and it was my first chance to stop by and see him and his parents . Robert and I used to work together but he moved on to bigger and better things at the first of the month . It was really nice visiting with them . After a Sunday afternoon nap and evening church service , I came home and ate dinner and watched most of the last day of this year 's Tour de France . I recorded the last day and the Alpe D ' Huez stages while I was gone and haven 't watched them yet . Some may think it 's weird to go back and watch but I rather enjoyed watching last night and plan to finish it up this evening . I may save the Alpe D ' Huez stage for a rainy day but am looking forward to watching it almost as much as I was looking forward to being there that day . I guess that 's it for this Monday 's weekend recap . Hopefully there will be some progress made on the room renovation this week because I am ready to get everything back where it belongs . Keep your fingers crossed . Posted by Yesterday even more progress was made on the floor in my spare bedroom - you can actually walk in there again . All of the subfloor is now in place awaiting the hardwood to come in . I took some photos with my camera , then neglected to upload them ; I meant to take a photo with my phone and then in a rush to get things ready this morning , didn 't do that either so there will be no photos of the subfloor today I 'm sorry to report . There was a lot of sawdust in the room and so I vacuumed a good majority of that up when I got home . It was while I was vacuuming that I noticed all the old floor had been tossed out of the window and was laying in a pile beside the house . I hadn 't noticed it before because I had not been able to get over to the window and I don 't really venture over to that side of my house unless I 'm mowing the lawn ; so I had no idea the pile was there until I happened upon it yesterday afternoon . I 'm assuming at some point the repair guys will clean it up ; or at least I hope so . I also managed to dig the paint cans out of my bedroom closet and what do you know , the paint can for the spare room was in there so I am set as far as getting paint to match the room , which is great news . Now I will have to dig out the paint samples from my scrapbook of the house renovation and see if Home Depot can still make the colors for the hallway and the trim - here 's to hoping . I don 't really know at what point I can start painting ; but I can assure you I am not looking forward to it in the least . After vacuuming the room and making some food for a baby shower we are having at work today , I headed over to the lovely Erika 's house and had dinner with her and her delightful mamma . We enjoyed a delicious dinner of Beef Stroganoff and had even better conversation which lasted until I called it quits some time after 10 : 00 . I think we could have talked all night long , but I 'm a lover of sleep and had to cut it short . When I got home I read a chapter of the book I 'm reading ( a review coming soon ) and thThis morning , when I got up , I had a text from the newspaper ( sent at midnight ) about an assignment for tonight . When I got in to work this morning , I emailed and declined the assignment . I had already made plans with my family to attend the Madison Academy game tonight and really want to go to it . Plus , I 've really gotten to the point where I don 't much enjoy covering high school games any more . I always get the worst games and when one team is beating another team 49 - 0 , well , it 's just not much fun to watch or write about for that matter . I felt guilty about not taking the assignment , but I 'm not keen on last minute assignments . I know it was an honest mistake , but still . So , now I 'm debating about whether or not I should just " retire " from my newspaper writing days . I will miss the extra cash , but when you break it down with gas and the time I spend working , it 's probably less than minimum wage and I know I would have more fun if I just was a spectator . So , I 'm kind of at a crossroads here and will definitely be pondering my newspaper writing future over the course of the next few days . I think that 's about all the information I have to share with you all today . I certainly hope you all have a great weekend and if anyone is interested in helping me paint this next week , be sure and let me know in the comments . I won 't hold my breath for a large response . Posted by I 'm happy to report that when I arrived home yesterday afternoon , a little progress had been made on the guest bedroom , which is great news , people , great news . It may not look like much , but it 's getting there slowly but surely . Apparently the reason no work was done on Tuesday was because the repairman wanted to give the room and the joists another day to air out , which makes sense considering how saturated the wood was . New floor joists went in yesterday . I was under the impression from speaking with my dad that the new joists were going to go in between the old joists , but it looks like the went in directly beside the old joists . I guess there was a change in plans or maybe I just misunderstood which is highly possible . It also looked like the repair guys cleared out some of the crawl space making it a little easier to maneuver around . That might just be a figment of my imagination , but I 'm pretty sure that 's what it looked like . There was a hole leading to the back of the washer that had not been there before ; so , I am assuming the leak at the washing machine was repaired , which is definitely a good thing since it was the cause of all this madness . Also , there was one new sheet of sub flooring installed . The other sheets are on my front porch and I assume will be put in today . At some point , I 've got to dig out the paint can for the bedroom and take it to Home Depot to get some new cans of paint . I 'm praying I still have the can for that room , but can 't be for certain . I had stored a lot of the old paint cans and buckets out in my shed and finally disposed of them last year . I think that the bedroom paints are in my bedroom closet ; but not 100 % certain . I will soon find out though . As for the hallway , it will have to be repainted as well but I 'm not too concerned with that paint color . I know I don 't have anymore of the beige paint that covers the walls in most of my house . All of those were in five gallon buckets and they were disposed of last year . I do still have the paint samples I used when we renovated my house so I can probably take those to Home Depot and hopefully they will still have the paint formulas there . If not , then I 'll just go with darker beige in the hallway , which really doesn 't bother me at all . The hallway actually needed to be repainted before I knocked a hole in the wall . While I was renovating the house , and older man from church came over to help paint one day and he started painting the hallway the green that is in my bedroom . I noticed the mistake and gave him the right color - he then told me he was color blind . Most people will not notice it , but in the spots where George started out painting green , you can still see some of the green coming through the beige . So , a fresh coat of paint will definitely do that hallway some good . Clearly , the repair work will not be finished by tomorrow , but at least they are making progress and before you know it this little project will be a thing of the pastnat I had grand intentions of writing a post today updating you on all the glorious progress that had been done on my spare bedroom … and then I got home last night , opened the door , and found that nothing had changed since I left the house about 12 hours earlier . The wind was knocked out of my sails . C ' est la vie , I suppose . Yesterday morning , my dad met the repair man at Lowes and bought materials to be used in the house . My dad called me soon after and said that the plan was for the new floor joists and sub floor to go in . I asked about the leak and my dad said that the repair man was going to figure out where the washing machine was leaking and repair that and then put in the joists and the sub floor . In the meantime , the hardwood floor would probably have to be ordered and I would get an update on that later on . So , when I got home from the gym last night , I expected there to be a new sub floor in the spare bedroom . I was so excited to see the progress being made , hoping that I would soon be done living the life of a hoarder . Then when I opened the door to the spare bedroom , I felt so defeated and crawled under a pile of stuff and cried … well , not really . I was really disappointed , but I actually just fixed myself a sandwich and then took a shower . I also called my dad to see if he knew what was going on . I thought maybe they had just spent the day repairing the leak or something but everything was in the exact same place as before so I 'm pretty sure that absolutely nothing was done yesterday . My dad didn 't answer so I left a message and haven 't heard back ; so , your guess is as good as mine . I told you that no construction project only takes a week ! I just hope it 's completed by Labor Day weekend so I will have the extra day to put my life back in order . In other news , high school football season starts this weekend and I still have no idea if I 'm working for the newspaper on Friday night or not . I 'm inclined to think not , but then again , I have received assignments as late as Thursday before , aPosted by Well folks , the chaos that is home renovation has begun . I really don 't even know if you can call it home renovation when it 's actually repair work , but we 'll go with that . It sounds lovelier , or something like that . Over the weekend , I moved almost everything out of my guest bedroom . I took the little stuff out first and the small pieces of furniture that I could move on my own , as well as the bed linens . Most all of this was done on Friday night . I didn 't do much at all on Saturday since I went to the lake for the day ; and on Sunday , I finished up what I could . I moved all of the clothes out of the closet and even bagged some up to give away . I also moved the desk out of the room so that I would have somewhere to put all the hanging clothes . Otherwise they would have had to lie on the bed and I would be sleeping on the couch which didn 't sound like too good of a plan to me . By the time Sunday night was coming to an end , the only things left in the room were the bed , the cabinet that holds my DVDs ( without the DVDs in it ) a storage box full of books that was too heavy for me to move and the TV . I left the dress I had worn to church on Sunday laying out on the bed so that I could wear it to work on Monday . Otherwise , it would have been a wild goose chase trying to find something to wear . I left the house yesterday morning for work and the man doing all the work at my house came over around noon , or so I 'm told . Since I wasn 't there I don 't really know what time he showed up . I also don 't know what he did with The Tide . I wonder that too . Did The Tide just hang back and watch all the destruction or did they let her outside ? She didn 't tell me . She 's very tight lipped about what she does during the day . When I got home from work yesterday , the floor had been ripped out of the bedroom . I could smell the mustiness of the crawl space as soon as I walked in the door . I don 't know why , but that is one of the smells I dislike the most . I guess it has something to do with the fact that I like a cleThe cabinet I had left in the bedroom was in the middle of the kitchen floor . I eventually moved it beside the stove so that I could get the dishwasher open . I needed to put my lunch dishes away . The bed and storage box were both moved to the hallway along with the two closet doors and was therefore blocking the way to my bedroom . The only way I could get to my room was through the door that connects to the end and I would have to crawl under the desk holding all my hanging clothes . So , I proceeded to move the bed , the mattresses and the doors so that I could at least walk into my bedroom like a civilized person . I also managed to knock a small hole in the wall in my hallway which will now have to be mudded and painted . I 'm guessing the walls in the bedroom will have to be repainted too - just when you think you 're done painting a house for 10 or 20 years . So , needless to say , the house looks completely chaotic right now . I seriously feel like I 'm living an episode of Hoarders . I also feel like all the stuff is suffocating me . It makes me feel more than a wee bit claustrophobic . Erika was privy to the chaos last night when she stopped by to pick me up for the Ladies ' Night Out event . I told her I might have to come stay with her a night just so I can breathe a little bit . This morning , I squirmed around all the things in my house and managed to pull together a lunch for today . It was quite interesting picking out some clothes . I luckily found some brown Capri 's close to the top of the pile of hanging clothes and spotted a short sleeve grey shirt that I often wear with those pants . After struggling for about five minutes to get the shirt out of the pile , I stopped for a breather , let go of the clothes on top and then couldn 't find the shirt again . I ended up with a lightweight long sleeve shirt instead . People probably think I 'm nuts wearing long sleeves in 90 degree weather , but it is cool in my office so that will be my excuse . The madness is only supposed to last a week but when was the last timA view of my bedroom The bed in the den . Here , The Tide is not confused , just staring a her jar of treats . She knows what she wants . The cabinet in the kicthen This past Saturday , I was invited by Jackie 's Aunt Nina and Uncle Mickey to join the family for some fun at the lake . Nina and Mickey have a lake house on Wheeler Lake in Rogersville and it 's been four years since I last was able to go out for a visit . I was thrilled when Nina emailed me and asked me to come out on Saturday . In addition to Nina and Mickey , Jackie , Troy and Ashlyn and Jackie 's mom and stepdad ( Jan and Tim ) along with Jackie 's cousin Scott were also there . Jackie and the kids came by and picked me up around 11 : 30 or so and we headed out to Rogersville . We arrived at the lake house around 1 : 00 or so , after stopping to pick up a quick bit from Wendy 's on the way , which was completely unnecessary because Aunt Nina had prepared all sorts of goodies to munch on . Troy headed to the water immediately but was back inside the house soon after because he had been stung on the cheek by a wasp . After a few minutes of crying and a Benadryl and Fudgesicle later , all was well and he headed back to the water once again along with all the rest of us . A Fudgesicle makes it all better ! Uncle Mickey pulled Troy and Ashlyn on the water raft to start off the day of fun . Then the two of them started swinging on the rope and into the water , only Ashlyn would just hold on to it and drop right it . It was kind of pointless for her to even use the rope , but it gave us all a good laugh . Riding the Water Raft . . . An hour or so after we arrived , Tim and Jan showed up to join in on the fun . Tim got in the water right away and Jackie then took the kids and then me out on the Jet Ski . I , of course , screamed about three times while getting on because I 'm always afraid my big ole booty is going to make that thing tip over . Jackie and Troy After riding on the Jet Ski , I got in the water for an hour or so with the kids . I held on to a floating noodle and kept old tennis shoes on my feet because this city girl does not like the feel of the bottom of the lake on her feet . Ashlyn and I both wanted a snack and so we headed up to the house to chow down on some seven layer dip and salsa and , of course , brownies . Soon everyone else joined us and after we were all sufficiently stuffed , we headed back outside . Round two in the water didn 't last long . I didn 't get back in and the kids only stayed in for an hour or so . I headed back up to the house to shower and change and not long after we all sat down to dinner . We had BBQ , salad , green beans , peas , a casserole that Uncle Mickey had made , rolls , slaw , mashed potatoes , fruit , the list goes on and on . Basically , I ate so much I ended up with a pain in my side . It 's been a long time since I put away that much food . It was well worth it though because Aunt Nina is a great cook . After dinner , Aunt Nina , Uncle Mickey , Jan , Jackie , Troy and I headed out in the boat to see if we could find the lake house of some other folks that we know . We think we found it but no one was milling about to be sure . I really enjoyed the boat ride , I think it was one of my favorite parts of the day . We had a really great Saturday at the lake . On the way home Ashlyn said that " sometimes it feels like Matasha is part of our family , " it was the best compliment . I told her I was an honorary member of their family and when I have kids one day they can call her Aunt Ashlyn . It was a great Saturday of fun with my other family ; I hope we can do it again next year ! Ashlyn swinging off the rope I 've had a busy day today . I 've had a steady week at work which is a nice and welcome surprise and I also ran an errand earlier this morning that took about an hour . Errands always make the day go by quicker . So , I just now have had the opportunity to sit down and write a little bit . I thought I would update you all on the new mattress and the new mower because I 'm sure you 've been sitting around wondering how those two recent purchases have been working out for me . I 'm here to tell you , they have been serving me well . The mattress arrived last Saturday . I had taken the old ( 26 year old ) mattress and box spring off the bed so I could clean under the bed before the new paring arrived . So , when the delivery guys showed up , they didn 't have to take the old one off , they just had to put the new one on . They did haul the old one off to wherever it is mattresses go to die . I 'm telling myself it 's someplace that 's environmentally friendly , but who really knows for sure . The new set is A LOT taller than the old one . I have to put a little pep in my step to even get on the bed . I also moved my ottoman into the bedroom so The Tide can use it as a step . She actually can jump up there by herself , but it 's a bit of a struggle . It takes some extra oomph to get that booty of hers on the bed . So , the ottoman works well . During the day , I move it away from the bed and so far it has worked in keeping her off the bed . I hope it continues to work because she loves to scratch holes in the sheets and if she stays off the bed during the day then I may be able to keep a set of sheets for more than a couple of weeks . The mattress sleeps really well . I hardly move at all during the night and my back isn 't hurting in the morning anymore , which is awesome . As for the mower , it is also working out really well . I used it for the first time this past Tuesday afternoon / evening . The grass had not been mowed in about a week and a half and so I had my work cut out for me . The bagger on the mower worked beautifully and the mowI guess that 's about it for today . Not really all that interesting , but I didn 't want to leave you heading into the weekend without a post . I 'm going to the lake with Jackie and the kids and her family tomorrow and I 'm so excited ! It 's been about four years since we 've had a chance to get together at her aunt and uncle 's lake house and we always have a grand time when we go . I 'm sure I 'll be sore from riding on water rafts being pulled by the boat , but it will be well worth the pain . Hope you all have a great weekend ! See you on Monday ! Since I don 't have much more to write about today , I guess I can begin telling you my saga with the floor in my back bedroom and the battle with the insurance company . I don 't guess it was really that much of a battle considering I really didn 't have a fighting chance , but it makes for a good story anyway I suppose . So , here it goes . Back earlier in the year , I noticed the floor in the guest bedroom of my house was soft in some spots . I didn 't think too much about it at first because my house is , after all , around 70 years old . The soft spot got worse , however , and so I called in the experts , otherwise known as my dad and his cronies . Well , first my dad came and agreed that something was definitely wrong and then he called the cronies who said the softening was happening because the sub floor was rotting due to moisture from the ground in the crawl space . So , I decided to wait until I got back from France to deal with the floor , primarily because I didn 't know how much money I would need while overseas and I didn 't want to worry about not having enough money with me while I was away . Obviously , I 'm back from France and the floor has gotten considerably worse . In fact , after I got back , a wet spot was discovered in the floor . The spot is directly behind where my washing machine is on the other side of the wall . So , it looks like I have had a leak all this time although a few months ago I was told there was no leak . So , I called the insurance company who didn 't want to do anything at first and when I told them the leak was just recently discovered they decided to send an adjuster out . Of course , I had to call the insurance company multiple days in a row because I couldn 't get anyone to call me back , which made me less than happy . My mother also called because she loves a good fight and so after multiple calls from me and one from my mother , they finally set up an appointment for the adjuster to come out . That appointment was yesterday and my dad was kind enough to meet the man at the house while Inat This past week , we DirecTV customers had a few days of free Cinemax , which meant that I recorded a few movies to watch that I missed when they were in the theaters . One of those movies was The Time Traveler 's Wife . Many of you may have already seen this movie , but if not , then maybe you will rent it / download it / whatever it is you kids do these days . I read this book in anticipation of the movie coming out but didn 't review it here on The Chronicles of Nat . In fact , I may have read it before I started the blog . The book is really an extraordinary novel - it amazes me that the author was able to come up with such a unique story and tell the story from so many different perspectives and time periods . You really have to pay attention when reading the book to know what year it is and which Henry is in the scene . I found the book to be beautifully written and at the end I cried like a baby - it was one of those ugly cries where I had to let my tears dry up for a while before I could continue reading . In my opinion , this was one of the best books I have ever read and I actually wouldn 't mind going back and reading it again , but then there are so many other books out there to read . I remember that while reading this book , I would dream about it each night and that 's always a tell - tale sign that I 'm in love with what I 'm reading - it consumes my thought . For whatever reason ( probably because I was dating Tony and he would have had no interest in seeing this movie ) I never went to see the movie in the theater , even though I remember really wanting to see it . Then , with the demise of the video store , I never had an opportunity to rent the film either ; so , when I saw it would be playing on Cinemax during the free preview days , I recorded it . This past Monday night , I had an opportunity to watch it and I really thought it was well done . As mentioned in the past , it 's hard to get every detail of a book on film and there were many small details and even larger details that were left out of this film ; but on nat This past Saturday , Erika , Jackie and I , along with two women from church ( Ms . Claudette and Ms . Mary Ann ) went to see The Help . I reviewed the book here on The Chronicles of Nat back in November of last year . I had borrowed the book from Ms . Claudette and absolutely loved it . It was one of the best books I have read in a long while and I was really looking forward to the movie coming out . Jackie read the book about a month or so ago and then Erika bought the book last week and read it in all of two days . It 's that good , people . If you haven 't read it yet , please do . It is such a great read ! We went to the matinee and I got a large popcorn . While Jackie ate a little of it , I 'm not embarrassed to admit that I did the majority of the popcorn eating . It was exceptionally good for some reason . We settled in to our seats in a theater that was full of mostly women . There may have been a man or two sprinkled in here and there . The movie was really great , ya 'll . I would recommend this movie as much as I would recommend the book , but please do read the book beforehand if you can . After all , as you probably know , I 'm a firm believer in book reading before movie seeing . This film followed the book quite closely as best I can remember . Erika , who had most recently read the book , agreed that it was close to the book . There were a few things that were left out , but nothing that took away from the story . The book is obviously more detailed , but , as I 've said before , if the movie makers got every detail of the books correct we 'd be sitting in a theater for hours on end . So , I would say they hit the nail on the head when it came to turning this wonderful book into a big screen attraction . The acting in the movie was quite remarkable as well . Bryce Dallas Howard did a remarkable job as the evil Hilly Hollbrook , Emma Stone was delightful as Skeeter , and Octavia Spencer stole scene after scene as the sass - mouthed Minnie . The movie 's best performance , however , may have been by Viola Davis as Aibileen . Jackie said she nat Well , I 'm sitting here at home on a Sunday night watching the conclusion of the PGA Championship and writing up a post for Monday , which will be today by the time you are reading this . Let me tell you , it 's a lot more comfortable watching at home , but I do miss being there amongst all the excitement because when I cheer at home it just doesn 't seem to have the same effect . So , Friday was another scorcher in Atlanta . At one point I told my dad that I felt like a Thanksgiving turkey baking in the sun . We left the hotel a few minutes after 9 : 00 and headed to the parking lot to catch the shuttle to the golf course . Once we arrived at the golf course , we picked up course radios so we could follow along with what was going on throughout the various holes on the course . After much debate and walking back and forth , my dad decided we would watch the par three , hole four and so that 's where we went . There were grand stands on the green at hole four with a perfect view of the tee box as well . It was one of the best spots we had during the two days . When we first arrived , there was a wee bit of shade in the area and I was extremely grateful for that as I had already soaked through my clothes by the time we reached the stands . Unfortunately the shade vanished after about an hour but the viewing was still great . We brought out sunscreen with us and applied it throughout the day which worked to our benefit I believe because neither one of us got burnt . There didn 't seem to be a cloud in the sky for hours but eventually a few popped up and hid the sun from us for a few minutes on occasion - it was a welcome relief . We watched Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods and many of the other more popular players play the hole and it was really a lot of fun . I 'm a big Phil fan myself and was really thrilled to see him play . At one point I got up for a bathroom break and to get us our second waters of the day . While I was at the port - o - potty location a player and his caddy stopped by for a natural break ( as they would call it in nat Well , my dad and I had quite an adventurous day today . We left his house a little after 5 : 00 this morning and headed to Atlanta for the first round of the PGA Championship . After an hour or so , we stopped off at Hardees to grab some breakfast to go and were soon on our way again . Once we were in Georgia , we were driving along when all of a sudden there were blue lights in the rear view mirror . My dad thought it was because he was speeding , but it turns out that was not the case . For those of you who are familiar with my dad 's driving , you will not find it surprising that he was in fact pulled over for driving in the middle of the road . Thankfully , he got off without a ticket and promised to pay more attention to the road . Once we reached the parking lot , we started putting our things in the trunk and getting together what we needed to take inside . I heard the car beeping and asked my dad why it was beeping . He said it was because the door was open . I thought that was a little strange , but didn 't question it . We walked on over to the shuttle and soon arrived at the golf course . When we were inside , we looked through the store , then we eventually made our way over to the green at 18 and sat there for a while and watched a few groups putt . Then we ate some lunch and headed over to the backside of the course to hole five . We watched quite a few groups come through there . At this particular spot , we were in the blazing sun and it was so stinkin ' hot . There was a nice girl there that shared some of her sunscreen with me . I had applied some twice before I went in but didn 't take mine with me because it is a large spray bottle and I didn 't want to tote it around . I must have looked pretty bad because my dad asked me more than once if I was okay and also when we got our lunch someone asked me if I was okay and again when I went to get some waters . Ya 'll , I may be a Southern girl , but I do not do well in the Southern heat . After a few hours or so at hole five , we meandered on over to hole nine and stayed there Posted by After reading the post about all the photos my dad mistakenly took while we were in France , Jackie left a comment that I should post all the photos where I look confused . If you are confused , then let me help clear things up . The week my dad was with me , he was obviously the one taking my photo and it would often take him more than a minute or two to get the camera focused the way he wanted it , etc . Once he finally got the camera focused , he would take the picture without a 1 - 2 - 3 or a ready or anything and so most of the time I 'm looking at the camera wondering when or if the photo has been taken . Let 's take a look : As you can see , I look a little confused in almost all of these . Going through these photos with Jackie gave us quite a laugh . My dad and I are in Atlanta today for the PGA Championship . Unfortunately there is no picture taking but I might try to sneak one in on my phone . Shhh , don 't tell anyone . Posted by |
Category Archives : writing Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons Now Available After some adventures and trial and error in self - publishing , Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons is now available . I am hoping that readers of fantasy will now be able to enjoy it . It was one of the most interesting endeavors in my writing career as writing prose is not necessarily my forte . It is far easier for me to wrap my head around screenwriting , and even that is difficult at times . I felt the story of Kellen and Ferian had to be told . And since this book is the first book in a series of at least three the Driss and their fellow fantasy characters will be pulling at me for some time to come . Thank you for your readership of bot this blog , and hopefully , the book . The characters have been dancing through my head since I saw the portrayal of the characters Fili and Kili by Dean O ' Gorman and Aidan Turner in The Hobbit movies . Now , Kellen and Ferian , the Driss brothers , have a world of their own . They hope that you will join them there . Thank you . Jerrick wondered where his brother was . He had sent his younger brother Kerrick out into the world to gather their people , the Driss who had been scattered by the Trow who had always hunted them . Jerrick had to remain in the North , in the country of Lunaris where he was King to their people after his Father 's death . But the High Laudriss , the ruling body of his people , had decided they wanted to gather their wandering brethren and fortify here in the North . This meant that they needed an envoy , a representative , and they had chosen Kerrick . Jerrick felt he had no choice but to agree with them . He had to remain here and maintain the security of their new Kingdom that was under constant threat by the Trow and Tresser , dark elves and their cousins who hunted Driss . He also had to guard against the other people of the world who did not trust the Driss due to their rarity and general misunderstandings . Driss were small and fair . Taller than gnomes , dwarves and Halflings , but shorter than men , elves , Trow and Tresser . Kerrick was his little brother , and they had been through everything together . From the wanderings of their youth to their finally having found a homeland in Lunaris . The brothers had been born on the road and had witnessed many things and been through many hardships before they had come to this place . They had been hunted , chased , denied shelter by the other peoples of the world . Suffered from cold , hunger , near starvation . They had survived it all and come to Lunaris where they built their Father a palace from stone and wood . A simple fortress , but it was home to them . Now , Jerrick was lonely as he sat at his desk , late one night , looking over books and papers , trying to find any words in the journals of his Father that would lead him to the Krystal Dragons . They were Krystaline statues of dragons , one rube , one jade , one opal and one sapphire . When brought together at the Krystal Fortress in the South , they created a shield that could protect the Driss from any enemy . That 's what Jerrick wanted . To return his people to their proper place in their own land . This place was home , but it was not the home of the Driss . He sighed as he shuffled through one of his Father 's journals . The pages were old and falling apart . Any clue . Any clue at all would be helpful . The candle light was dim , and he was having a hard time concentrating on the pages he was looking at . His mind wandered back to Kerrick . He remembered that night in the kitchen when he had requested Kerrick go . It was quite clear to him . A night of victorious drinking after the defeat of their rivals the Trow who were trying to drive them out once again . The Trow were dark elves who lived under the earth and hated all other people , but they especially hated the Driss . They were alone in the kitchen that night . Sharing a brotherly moment , one of the last they would have for a very long time . Jerrick thought about it . Then he realized that he hadn 't really thought about it . He just assumed that Kerrick would accept the assignment . " No , I didn 't think of that . Are you saying you do not wish to go ? " Kerrick gave a nervous laugh and said , " I don 't know . It 's a heavy decision to make . And you 're just kind of springing it on me . Have you told anyone else ? " " I think you 're the only man for the job . You 're a Driss prince , one of the last of the royal line ! They will trust you , Kerrick . " It was a bit unfair , Jerrick knew . He had given Kerrick basically no other choice . His brother nodded . " If this is what you want , then I will go . " " You have my thanks , brother . " Jerrick said . " You have my thanks . " Kerrick left soon after . They said goodbye to each other down by the gates to the city . There was a reluctant look on Kerrick 's face . " You will be fine , brother , " Jerrick said . " I will see you again in a few months . Be careful when you are crossing through the lands of men . They cannot be trusted . " Jerrick looked up through the trees . He could see the blue sky and could feel the warmth of the sun filtering down through the branches . " It 's a beautiful day to start out , " he said . He hugged his brother hard . " Take care of yourself , Kerrick . Come back to me . What would I do without you ? " That had been some months ago , and Jerrick was beginning to worry . He shuffled through the journal pages . There was nothing . Why did his Father leave him no clues ? Did the old King not want him to reinstate their people in the old fortress ? It made no sense . His Father had been a complex Driss . Merrick never spoke about anything that happened before the Fortress had fallen . As far as the King was concerned , his life had started anew upon arriving in the North . He and his wife had lived happily in this palace built for them by their sons . When Merrick 's wife died , he soon followed after her . It was a common malady of Driss to follow a mate closely in death , whether it be a husband following a wife or a wife following a husband . Jerrick had been fifty when his Father had died . At fifty he had just come of age . However , he was ready to take on the reins of the kingdom . He just wished that he had someone to share that burden with . And now that Kerrick was gone … The heavy wooden door opened and Wolfnoth , a younger Driss from the High Laudriss stepped into the study . He was a meek Driss , but a good friend . He always sided with Jerrick in the councils . He carried a candle with him and he looked like he was on his way to bed , he put his hand over his mouth as he yawned . He came and stood across the desk from Jerrick . " It 's very late , your Majesty . " Jerrick smiled . " You are right , Wolfnoth . I shouldn 't worry so much . And it is well passed time to go to bed . I will find no Krystal Dragons tonight . " Kerrick had been out on the road for many months . He had passed through the lands of gnomes and men and had come at last , to the edge of the Broken Forest . He had heard rumors in the man Kingdom that he had recently left that Driss would sometimes pass this way . So he had decided to come to this place to see if it was true . What he found there amazed him . A Driss caravan full of men , women and children who seemed to have been camped there for a while . Their wagons were old , but they were still serviceable and seemed to offer the Driss enough shelter . They seemed well and happy . Still , It was Kerrick 's job to find out who they were and to try and get them to come back with him . He went up to a Driss man who seemed to be in charge of the group . He was slightly taller than the others and had long dark hair and a roguish grin . Yes , he was the leader all right . Kerrick went to his wagon , where the Driss was lounging upon the high seat . " Excuse , me , sir , " He said to the Driss . " Are you the leader here ? " The Driss looked down at him with a smile . " Yeah , I suppose you could say that , " He said . " Name 's Anders . What can I do for you ? " The Driss looked at him in astonishment . " You 're the son of the King ? " " Actually , the brother of the King . Our Father passed away some years ago . " " I 'm sorry to hear that , you Highness . However , I don 't know if my people here would really like to be gathered . We kind of like our wanderer 's ways . " " But why would you wish to keep wandering ? We have a palace and a Kingdom in the North . What would keep you out here when you could come with me and be with others like yourself ? " The Driss pointed off into the forest . " On the other side of those tattered brambles is a place . The place that Driss are meant to belong . The Krystal Fortress . The home of our people , before we were driven from that place by the Trow . " Anders shrugged . " What plans ? We will go tomorrow . For now , you may sleep in our wagon , for you look as though you would take any roof over your head at this point . " Anders pointed behind Kerrick . He looked to see several women sitting around a fire helping to cook the evening meal . However , he knew she was the one with the long red - gold locks and the sapphire eyes . He also knew that he wouldn 't be able to make Anders any promises . " Right … " He said . " Your sister . " Kerrick had to admit that that night he didn 't know if he was thankful anymore for the roof over his head , as it put him in close proximity to a woman that was very clearly a Driss goddess , which now he thought was very unfair . That night , when everyone who was going to sleep got ready to do so . She came and sat next to Kerrick . She had a perplexed look on her face , as if there was something about him that she did not quite understand . " I have not wandered for many years . My brother and I helped our Father build his Kingdom in the North . We lived with him there until he died . Now my brother Jerrick is King and I am his ambassador . He has sent me to gather our people . " " The Driss . All of us . We will be stronger if we fortify in the North , and then maybe , when we are truly strong , we can take back our lands in the South . " " If you don 't want to come ? Don 't you wish for a home , a place where you can stay and won 't have to move from ? Roots ? " " Lusa ? " He repeated . " Well , it is good to meet you . " " It is good to meet you too , Kerrick , son of Merrick . Goodnight to you . " She left him and went to the trailer where the unmarried women slept . Kerrick , slept in the wagon with Anders and his young friends . It was a decent roof , but a little too close for comfort . As they caravan made it 's way South , Kerrick ended up spending most of his nights wrapped in his blanket up on the wagon seat . Nobody bothered him or tried to talk him out of it . It was still warm , as it was late summer and there were still warm nights to be had . They reached the crossroads and found no one there . Perhaps when they returned , Anders suggested . They moved on to the South . Going around the forest was not the most expedient way to travel , but it was the safest , as only the elves knew the hidden paths through the forest . It loomed in the distance , a tall jagged tower of stone . It was not fancy or extravagant , but it was a symbol of power . It was the Krystal Fortress , created thousands of years ago by Driss who knew the secrets of the Krystal Dragons . The statuettes of crystal , one Sapphire , one opal , one ruby and one jade that powered a shield that covered the fortress and all the surrounding lands . That was what used to keep the Trow and Tresser at bay . Now , the fortress stood empty . It seemed that the Trow and the Tresser had given up guarding it since the dragons had been lost and the royal Driss family had fled to the North . Still , Kerrick could not help but go into that place . Search the empty stone halls , look at the items that had been left behind when the Driss had abandoned this place . See the skeletons of the ones that were unable to escape . This had been home to his Father and his Father before that . But Jerrick and Kerrick had never known this place . They were born as their parents traveled to the North . Still , it was sad . It seemed as though the halls were filled with angry ghosts . Ghosts that would stay there until their deaths and people were avenged . That night , he made the royal suite his bed chamber . He had cleared off what had been the bed and had put his own blanket there , for the old bedding was rather rat and moth eaten . The bedchamber was on the top floor of the tower , so much could bee seen through the windows . The windows had no glass , they were open to the air . From the bed , he could look out and see the stars in the clear night sky . Someone came and lay down next to him in the dark . At first , he was scared , but then he realized it was Lusa and he knew that it was safe . " What are you doing here ? " He asked . " Would you like me to leave ? " She asked . She sounded a bit miffed at him , as if she really didn 't want to leave . Then part of him wondered if he really wanted her to . She said nothing more . She lay by his side quietly and was soon asleep . Something about her being there with him perplexed him . What was it that she wanted ? Anders had told him to stay away , but was that what he truly meant ? He curled up next to her and went to sleep . They camped in that place for a week , and each night she would come and sleep with him . He was becoming used to having her there . And soon enough , he expected her there . And finally , he was ready for her to do more than just sleep by his side . The night before they would journey back to the crossroads , they made love for the first time . It was that night that he realized that he loved Lusa . And it was clear to him that she loved him back . On the journey back to the crossroads , they slept in different wagons again , because as far as Kerrick knew , no one knew about what they had done , which was probably for the best . When they finally reached that place again , Kerrick was amazed to find that there was indeed a gathering of Driss there . And not merely a small gathering either . There were probably a thousand Driss there all together . Men , women , children . All of them with their wagons and whatever they had to sell or trade . This was more than Kerrick could have ever hoped for . As the Driss from Anders 's caravan began to disperse within the larger group to trade and conduct other business , Anders took Kerrick aside for a moment . " I assume this is what you were hoping for . " Anders said . " There may be more still . We have not heard from our brethren who lay further to the Southwest and East . There may be even more than this . " " It is alright . She loves you . Or so she has said . But just know , if you hurt my sister , I will kill you myself . " Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons Revamped Beginning Hello ! ! I went though and I redid the beginning of this particular piece of writing and I wanted to know if it reads well , so I am going to go ahead and ask my friends and readers how it reads . See anything amiss , let me know ! ! Thank you so much ! ! Jerrick wondered where Kerrick was . While Jerrick had had to stay behind at the palace at a meeting of the High Laudriss , the leading council of their people , the Driss , Kerrick had gone off on a hunt . Jerrick had to admit , he was a bit jealous . As his father 's eldest son , he was obligated to care for his people as the man who was now their king , but he wished he had the freedom that Kerrick had . The current meeting was about the Trow , dark elves , and the Tresser who were their henchmen who had always hunted the Driss . " Our scouts have informed the council that the Tresser have been seen Camping in the valleys just South of here . If they should come any closer to Lunaris … " Reger was one of the oldest Driss on the council of the High Laudriss . He was one of King Merrick 's most trusted advisers , and Jerrick had continued to trust him . " Our king led us to this safe haven in the North , away from the horrors of the Trow who have always made war against us . We would all be gone , if not for him . " " And our good princes built his palace for him . " Said Wulfnoth . A younger Driss who was closer to Jerrick 's age . " We will not be driven from this place as well . If the Trow and the Tresser find us here , we will be done for . " The other ten members of the High Laudriss agreed by nodding . " we must strike them first . " Reger said . " We must keep better watch and destroy any Trow or Tresser that come into the valley . This is our home ! ! It may not have the magic that once protected us in the Crystal Fortress , but it is strong , and we will not be driven out again ! ! " " I will give the order to the guards and the scouts . " Jerrick said . Any Trow or Tresser seen coming into our domain must be destroyed . All must be killed . We cannot afford to lose what Kerrick and I have built here . " Young ? Jerrick did not think himself young . He was fifty - five , just had come of age five years earlier . He had two years on his brother Kerrick who was fifty - three . I suppose that is what young means , Jerrick thought . We are still young among our people . " Now to our second order of business . " Wulfnoth said . " We have decided to gather the rest of our people . I would ask that our king choose an ambassador to send out into the lands in order to gather our people back to us . We have been scattered by misfortune for too long . We must consolidate our kingdom and people . Who do you choose , your Majesty ? " Jerrick thought about it for a moment . Whoever he sent might be gone for a long time , as the Trow and the Tresser had spread their people thin . Who could he trust with such an important mission ? The door burst open and Fanna , the head of the guard came into the war room . He was dressed in his armor and had a grave look on his face . " Fanna , what is it ? " Jerrick asked him . Fanna bowed . " Your Majesty . We have received news that there is a band of Tresser camping up in the mountains , near to where your brother and his friends are hunting . " " What ? ! How did this happen ? How did they get past our defenses ? I suppose that doesn 't matter now . Now we must go and save my brother . Bring my armor ! ! " Jerrick cried . Jerrick decided that Wulfnoth was right . He looked over to where Fanna stood , still in the doorway . " Go . Bring my brother back to me . " He said and he sat down dejectedly in his seat at the head of the war room . Kerrick loved his friends and , in all truth , he wasn 't much of a hunter , but he enjoyed being outdoors having a good time . He knew his brother Jerrick was a bit jealous that He had so much freedom , but Jerrick was king now , and his responsibilities were great . Plus Kerrick did not do this kind of thing very often . He wouldn 't pass up an opportunity though . He and Jerrick had spent so much or their youth wandering at first , and then when they had settled , they built their father a palace from which to rule . It wasn 't extravagant or anything . A simple building of stone and wood . Still , it was home , and they called it a palace because it was home . Then , a few years ago , soon after Kerrick had turned fifty , their father had died . After that , he felt as though he was almost alone , as Jerrick was busy taking care of the palace and kingdom , and he was just … there . So the best thing to do was to get out , even if it were just for a little while . The game seemed to be sparse that day , which was odd , because these woods always seemed to have something to offer . They had managed a few quail , a deer and a fox , but everything else seemed to have gone into hiding , as if they had disappeared . As they camped that night and cooked their quail over a fire , Kerrick couldn 't help but wonder why . " The game was sparse today , " he said to his friends . " That is unusual , don 't you think ? " " I suppose , " said Gen . " Then again , the season is changing and it will be Winter soon . They may have gone into their Winter hiding places ? " Gen was slightly younger than Kerrick , and wasn 't much for hunting either . " No . " Said Riin . " The forest seems to have emptied itself . Tat is very unusual . Not many things can have such an effect . As if they have been driven out . " " Evil … " Kerrick said . " You do not suppose that it is Trow ? " He asked worriedly . If it were Trow , they would be in great danger out here in the open , as Trow could see and move easily in the dark , and the Driss could not . That was how the Trow used to conduct their massacres , Coming in the night and killing all they could while taking some and leaving only the grieving and wounded behind . A memory came to him , but he pushed it away . He did not wish to remember that right now . " If it is , we are definitely in danger . " Riin said . He was an older Driss who came with the two younger Driss as chaperone . He knew all about the Trow and the Tresser . A scar down the left side of his face told an ugly tale of a dark encounter with them . " I think it would be wise to put out the fire . " " Agreed . " Kerrick said . " If they do come , at least they can see us less clearly and we can see them more , if our eyes adjust . " " Keep your swords at the ready . " Riin said . We cannot leave this place tonight , it would be too dangerous to travel at night . But we might be able to defend ourselves if we stay here and keep our backs to each other . " The fire was put out , and all the three Driss could do in the dark was wait . Every sound , every snapping twig , or rustling leaf put Kerrick on edge . He stayed close to Riin , but knew that if they did come , it would be hopeless . And come they did , and hopeless it was . All he saw when they did was shadows , and the flashing of knives in the moonlight . Kerrick heard Gen scream , and knew he was dead . Then he himself was grabbed , and he was thrown against a nearby tree . The air was knocked out of him , and he had to regain it before he could do anything . Soon he knew that Riin was gone too , and they came over to where he lay , and lifted him off the ground . His energy had not returned , and he was sure that a few ribs might be broken . When they lifted him , he just hung there , waiting for them to kill him . Instead , one of them ripped the brooch off his cloak . That brooch had on it their family crest . The Trow would probably know it . Apparently they did because , instead of killing him , they bound him and took him away into the night . Kerrick woke to find himself in a cave that was lit by a fire . He was bound hand and foot , and his broken ribs made sitting upon the hard floor very uncomfortable . Still he had to do something , so he sat up and looked around the cave . There were about ten Tresser in there , and at least one Trow . Man , he assumed . It was sometimes difficult to tell due to the fact that both men and women had the same pale skin and ragged teeth , as well as the black hair . Trow lived in the earth , for the most part . They lived in great cities under the ground in almost complete darkness . Still that didn 't stop them from hating just about all of the other races , especially Driss . When the Trow saw that Kerrick was awake , it came over to him . They all wore similar white robes and walked elegantly like normal elves , or so Kerrick was told , as he had never seen elves before . Still , this creature was elegant . It came and knelt down in front of him . It reached out its hand and ran it through Kerrick hair . " Light hair . " A distinctly male voice said . " That is unusual for Driss , isn 't it ? " " Yes , well if you were looking for a woman , you 're out of luck . " Kerrick said defiantly . " Why haven 't you killed me ? " The Trow continued to play with Kerrick 's hair . " You 're not dead because I don 't want you to be dead yet . " It said . " Your brother is king , isn 't he ? And I have no doubt that he 'll come for you . " " My brother is not that stupid . Someone may come for me , but it won 't be him . Now get your filthy hands off me , you piece of shite ! ! " The Trow knotted his fingers in the blond hair and pulled at it savagely , causing the Driss to cry out . " He may not be stupid , but you are . So very , very stupid . " The Trow yanked at Kerrick 's hair viciously . " If I were you , I would shut my mouth . " The Trow gave Kerrick a hard back - handed slap to the face , causing the Driss to fall over sideways . The Trow then ripped a long strip from Kerrick 's cloak and wound it around his head , gagging him with it . It wound a bit of hair in it 's fingers and yanked it out , roots an all , causing Kerrick to cry out again . " Stupid Driss . I will rip it all out before you die . " The Trow then walked away and left Kerrick to his misery . Jerrick had said he would not go , but he could not leave his brother 's rescue to anyone else . He had to rescue Kerrick , and he would . He had already found the bodies of Riin and Gen . Following the trail of the Tresser in the early morning light would not be hard , as the creatures had not even tried to hide their trail as they made their way through the forest . In some ways , they did not have to . They were holding a prince now and assumed that they would have no need to hide for long . When he rescued Kerrick , he would prove them wrong . The trail led up into the hills , which was not surprising since there were caves in those hills , and it would be the most likely hiding place for the Trow and Tresser . The Trow spent their days living underground . While they could walk under the sun , the preferred not to , since the sun hurt their eyes . That meant that they would probably be in a resting state at this point since they had been busy during the night and the sun was bright that day . He just had to find the cave they were hiding in . He crept up the hillside , watching for any sign of movement . He had not brought his armor as he had intended . He knew if he was going to do this he had to be as stealthy as possible , and armor did not make for stealth . Jerrick thought he was being very quiet as he made his way . He was just about to check out another cave when suddenly , he was grabbed from behind , a hand covering his mouth . He was pulled into the shadows behind a rock . He was turned to look upon the face of his captor and when he saw who had taken him , he was both annoyed and relieved . The hand was removed from his mouth . " Fanna . " He said . " I am glad to see you . " " No . " Fanna said . " Your Majesty , you brother is our responsibility . You know I would have taken care of this . Do you not trust me ? Do you think so little of my abilities ? " Jerrick shook his head dejectedly . " No , I do not doubt you , Fanna . However , Kerrick and I have always taken care of each other . I could not leave him out here . " " I understand , your Majesty . " Fanna said . " Anyway , it 's too late for you to turn back now . We are almost upon them . There is a crack in the hillside some way above us . I believe that is where they are . I will scout it out . When I return , we will formulate a plan , and we will go in and get him . " Fanna returned a short time later with news . He sat down behind the rock beside Jerrick . Jerrick was anxious to hear what the older Driss had to say . " They have your brother and he still lives . He seems to have suffered some pain , but not so much as to incapacitate . Still , getting him out of there will not be easy . The cave houses about ten Tresser , and at least one Trow . It is well guarded so devising a plan may be difficult . " " The purpose of luring is to get the majority of those you lure to follow you . It would be too dangerous for you . But if I can get most of them out of the cave , that would leave fewer of them to fight when you get in there . Also the chances that my men will catch up to me as I lead them on are good . It is safer for you to sneak in . Do you have anything bearing your royal insignia ? " Fanna asked . " My mother made this waist - coat for me for my fortieth birthday . She was very proud of me . She died not long after that . And my father died . Driss can barely stand to lose their mates sometimes . Their mates cling too closely to their hearts and when one goes , the other feels as though they must follow . " Jerrick lifted an eyebrow in surprise . " Romantic ? " He said as he began to take his jacket off . " I never would have thought that we were romantic . Still , I suppose it fits . " He took off the waist - coat and handed it to Fanna . The other Driss put it on . " Yes . " Jerrick said . He didn 't know if he meant to say that or if he was merely trying to appear brave . Still , he had no other choice . " Let 's go . " Fanna made his way up the hill , and Jerrick was not far behind . Jerrick satyed hidden in the shadows as Fanna stepped in front of the cave opening and shouted . " I am Jerrick , son of Merrick ! ! Come and get me ! ! " Thankfully , it worked , and the Tresser took off after the Driss as he ran back down off the hillside . Jerrick went to the cave opening and peeked inside . At first , he saw nothing . He did see where Kerrick lay tied up , but he did not see any Trow or Tresser . Jerrick tip toed into the cave , hoping that he was right and he would not find his enemy in there . He made his way over to where Kerrick lay , and tried to untie him , but he was grabbed from behind and thrown aside . Jerrick hit the wall hard as he was tossed across the room . It too a bit for him to regain his air . When he had , he looked up to see a Trow towering over him with his brother Kerrick in its arms and and a knife to the Driss 's throat . Jerrick tried to get to his feet , but the Trow kicked him in the gut . " I suggest you stay down , my small friend . You will not be rescuing anyone . " Jerrick lay still as the Trow took a step back , holding his brother tightly , and the knife close to his skin . So close that a bead of blood was escaping from a small cut . " As you see , I have your prince . I just wait for my Tresser to come back with your king . Or maybe they were mistaken . Maybe this rat at my feet is a king and the other Driss was merely a decoy ? Thinking is not something the Tresser do especially well . However I can see in you what I need to . The elegance , regality . " Once again , Jerrick tried to get to his feet . He was able to , but he could make no move against this creature , not while it held Kerrick . Plus the creature stood about three heads taller than Jerrick . Driss were small people . Not as small as gnomes or halflings , but small , nonetheless . Kerrick 's feet were held high off the ground . " You know the answers to these questions . " The Trow said . " The Driss are an abomination that must be wiped from this world . We will do this . " The Trow tossed Kerrick aside , the Driss landed with a thud on the hard rock below . The Trow lifted its knife and attacked Jerrick . Jerrick was just able to fend it off with a sword hastily drawn . But the Trow was strong than him and incredibly fast . He would not hold out for long against this creature . He dodged blow after blow , attempting to stay out of the way of the Trow 's blade , but he was finally struck in the left shoulder , and fell to the ground with a cry . With a triumphant look on its face , the Trow lifted his sword , ready for the death - blow . And then it stopped , mid - swing . The bloody tip of a sword protruded from its chest . The Trow dropped the knife and fell forward . its was dead . Kerrick was the one who had struck the blow . He walked up behind the Trow and pulled the sword out of its back . " It 's so very wise of them to just leave weapons lying about . " Kerrick said with a smile . He helped Jerrick up . Jerrick was pained , but he knew that they had to move . " We have to get out of here . " He said to his brother . Kerrick nodded and they ran from that place and waited for Fanna 's return . Fanna arrived soon after with reinforcements , and the knowledge that all the Tresser in the band had been killed . It was over . Back at the palace , Kerrick sat with Jerrick in the kitchen . The two of them liked the kitchen because it seemed that it was so much more private than the banquet hall . They sat and ate together and drank and talked about everything . And then the conversation got serious . Jerrick thought about it . Then he realized that he hadn 't really thought about it . He just assumed that Kerrick would accept the assignment . " No , I didn 't think of that . Are you saying you do not wish to go ? " Kerrick gave a nervous laugh and said , " I don 't know . It 's a heavy decision to make . And you 're just kind of springing it on me . Have you told anyone else ? " " I think you 're the only man for the job . You 're a Driss prince , one of the last of the royal line ! They will trust you , Kerrick . " It was a bit unfair , Jerrick knew . He had given Kerrick basically no other choice . His brother nodded . " If this is what you want , then I will go . " Scenes from Harold Godwinson Hello and thank you for reading . I have finally finished my screenplay , Harold Godwinson , and I thought I would share a few scenes with my lovely followers and people I thought might be interested . They are chronologically in order , but there are , of course , scenes that come before and after each of these . I will go ahead and give a little explanation . Harold is the son of Godwin who was the Earl of Wessex in Britain . When Godwin dies , Harold takes up the title of Earl of Wessex as he is Godwin 's second son and heir . In January of 1066 , Harold was crowned King Harold II of Britain . His fate is legend and I wanted to bring his story to the screen . His encounters with William Duke of Normandy would shape the history of Britain as the Anglo - Saxon kings were laid to rest , and the Anglo - Norman kings began to rise with William the Conqueror . The scenes are as follows . The first scene is with Harold as he is just getting to know his consort , Edith of Essex . He had to meet , and fall in love with Edith fairly quickly because their relationship is an important cornerstone that runs throughout the story . I thought it was a good scene to lead with because everyone loves a love scene . Harold and Edith had an interesting love story that will conflict with what must be done when he become king and must marry a suitable wife . Scene 3 Harold 's brother Tostig is the 3rd most powerful man in Britain after King Edward and Harold who is still Earl of Wessex . He has abused his privilege and has taxed the people to the point of rebellion . He is called on his crimes and looks to Harold for help . Edith 's MAID is helping to comb Edith 's hair . Edith wears her long white night gown . There is a large fire in the fireplace , and the large bed sits over not far to the side of that . The door quietly opens , and Harold steps in . William sits in his chair and Harold comes into the hall . He walks to the front of the hall and bows to William . The hall is littered with the ADVISERS of William , and at least two PRIESTS stand near the dais . Perhaps you are not as honorable a man as I thought . Perhaps your whole family are dishonorable . If that be so , then maybe the life of your brother is not that important , seeing as he is probably dishonorable as well . A life without honor is no life at all , and therefore , has no right to be . Prove yourself , and I will know . Swear that you will tell the Witan to choose me . That is very good of you , Harold , Earl of Wessex . However , both you and I know that an oath made under duress is one that is not required of one to fulfill . So I thought you should see what is in this chest . Come here . No , I 'm sure you will see that they actually do . One cannot go against God . It is he who holds this oath and will see it fulfilled . Do your duty , sir , or pay the consequences . I don 't know about that . I have become rather fond of him , and he is quite useful to have around . You may leave , but he must stay . Good day to you , Earl of Wessex . Safe journey home . King Edward sits upon his throne with Queen Edith by his side . On either side of him , lords are seated upon benches . On the kings right hand side are the old Lords of the Witan , and on his left hand side are the Thanes , and the representatives from across the lands . Before him stands a very well dressed Tostig , Morcar , Edwin and Harold . Tostig Godwinson , Earl of Northumbria . You have been called here to face allegations of abuse of your power at the expense of the people . What say you , sir ? Abuse of power ? The expense of the people ? That is just not so , your majesty . I have done all in my power to care for the people . Then why did your people ask us to step in and investigate ? I think the proof of the allegations are clear . Those are hardly practicle and modest garments , Earl of Northumbria . The Thanes and others of the region give their testimony . In the end , there is no doubt . Tostig is clearly guilty and everyone knows it . Harold gives his brother a sad look . My king . The Witan finds that guilt is undeniable . The Earl of Northumbria , Tostig Godwinson , is guilty of the crimes of which he has been accused . You may now pass judgement . Very good . Tostig , Earl of Northumbria . You no longer have a right to that title , and it will be handed over to Morcar of Mercia , along with your estate and all other holdings . You are banished . Leave now . Edward lies upon his bed , Queen Edith stands beside it , holding his hand and weeping . When Harold arrives , she looks up at him and beckons for both he and Lerith . The rush over to her . The king goes limp . King Edward The Confessor has died , and his wife dissolves in tears as Harold holds her . A few tears come to his eyes as well . In a dark chamber , lit by fires and torches , the men of the Witan gather . A group of Twenty men , all old and bearded sit in the room at a long table . The three most senior are Lerith , ANGAR , and KERRIK . The three men will control the proceedings . He is still not an Englishman . He is a Norwegian King , and does not belong here . The people would see him as an invader , not a king . I wish to get this out of the way . Both King Edward and Harold Earl of Wessex have asked to put forward the name of William , Duke of Normandy . I would like to suggest someone else . Harold Godwinson , Earl of Wessex and Brother - in - law to the king . He is an Englishman and a nobleman , and the people already love and respect him . The Value of Fan Fiction , Fan Art , Fan Videos and Costumes Hello all . Thought I would go ahead and post something because it is one of those things I am interested in . It is often said by some that " fan projects " are not worth the time or effort . This is not true at all . " Fan projects " are more pivotal now than they ever have been . Why do I say this ? Because engaging in fan activities such as writing fan fiction , doing fan videos and creating fan art are fostering the next generation of artists . Basically what I am saying is that , with these projects comes knowledge , practice in the art that you want to be involved in , and experience . Lets start with fan fiction . Many authors will say that this is not the kind of thing that " real " writers engage in . That is not true . Even writers and film makers that are well respected have dabbled in borrowing , fan fiction and " ripping off " . Take Suzanne Collins who wrote " The Hunger Games " . It is quite clearly based , in some form off of the film " Battle Royale " , A Japanese film about a group of Japanese students who are forced to fight to the death in a contest where only one is meant to come out alive . Then again , " Battle Royale " is much more interesting and amusing , because it is not a film made to be considered as " overly serious film " , it is a film that caters to the interest of many audiences , action fans , Japanese film fan , people who like the irony and strong social messages put forward by the film . But basically it is an " it is what it is film , and if you try to make it something more , you 'll merely disappoint yourself " . The Hunger Games " caters to it 's built in audience , and is therefore full of teen angst and characters that one only finds interesting if they are into that sort of movie . There 's nothing wrong with the films . For me , they are just not as entertaining as a film like " Battle Royale " . But still , it cannot be denied that the premise is basically the same and one is simply more entertaining that the other . Let 's take a moment to look at " Star Wars " and George Lucas . George Lucas 's earliest movie was " THX1138 " , a dystopian film about a very controlled society . Here we actually have Lucas who has borrowed from George Orwell , who 's books ( that later became films ) are basically the same story . People living in a controlled society . Then when it came time for " Star Wars " , George Lucas , who was a great fan of Akira Kurosawa , basically took the plot of Kurosawa ' a film " The Hidden Fortress " and set it in space . The George Lucas ripped himself off and Created " Willow " which is the same story with little people and Val Kilmer . Then , as Honest Trailers pointed out , J . J . Abrams basically recycled the plot , except this time around , Luke was a young woman who didn 't whine or complain as much . And in fact , you could say that Collins ripped off both Lucas and Orwell … Haha … Even a smutty book like " Fifty Shades of Grey " was borrowed from the plot of " Twilight " , which I have always found amusing . Anne Rice took the plot of " Sleeping Beauty " and filled it with smut . Also borrowing from other people is what remakes are , adaptations are , they are also why Marvel keeps regurgitating it 's superhero franchises . So here 's the thing . If these people are allowed to borrow , adapt , rip off and do all these other sorts of things , why can 't we fans do so ? Some writers will say that , " ah , fan fiction . That is no good because you 're just taking someone else 's story and doing things with it . " Well yeah ! That 's what art is all about . Copying and borrowing from the masters in order to gain competence . Even Da Vinci and Michelangelo started , probably from copying some of their art , or borrowing it from the person that they learned from . Everyone learns something . The difference is how quickly you can pick it up . Also they say , " oh you don 't get good feedback on fan fiction " . Not true at all . If you are a good writer , people will know it and know how to respond to your writing , regardless of what it is based off of . There is a difference in writing styles and motives in fan fiction . One is for the writer who someday wants to write . The other is for people who use it for some kind of odd wish fulfillment , which shouldn 't be in the same caliber . However , I have gotten a lot of good feedback from writing fan fics . People seem to like what I write and know what kind of writer I am , and therefore , they ask questions , point out plot holes , make comments on my having too much exposition , all kinds of useful comments . So one cannot claim that they do not get good feed back . If you are a good writer who is working to morph a good narrative , readers will know it . Some fan videos are wonderful , and I enjoy watching them . They can be funny , touching , interesting visually , and just plain emotional . So here the thing . What you are looking at are the writers , comedians , film editors , and producers / directors of the future . If you can make a good fan video that people like , then chances are you want to work in film . The fact that you are working with someone elses content , just as long as you make it clear that you are playing with someone elses baby , and you 're not slapping your name on it saying , " this is mine " , I don 't see a problem with it . When I edit photos , people know they are not mine . Nor do I claim them as mine . They belong to someone else , and I try to make that as clear as possible when I give credits to people . So we should not demonize people for stealing when all they are doing is borrowing . If they have the footage , chances are they own the original , and most people still like to buy the DVD . Personally I don 't like downloads of anything , whether it 's film or music or game content . I want something I can hold , that is mine . So I still buy DVDs and things . I love things like commentary and interviews and extras , so I buy the damn movie ! It isn 't mine . I claim nothing because I cannot . All I do is what most other artists do is borrow and take what I can from a given plot and work with it . Here are a couple of videos from Sweetladybat that I just love . Fan art is also a very useful teaching tool . Again , learning from the masters . Also fan costumes . If you go to conventions , you will see thousands of costumes that people have worked numerous hours on , sometimes just to wear to one event . What you have here is artists in the making and future costume designers . You may have the next Edith Head amongst their numbers . Or even a Donatella Versace is you think about it . why would the film industry and fashion industry not take advantage of these people and their art ? |
I am taking Spanish this year as a degree requirement . Which is all well and fine , but I still have a hard time with the English language ! The book is even written in Spanish ! I am doomed to fail this class . Well being as resourceful as I am , I called the cops ! T - rex worked with a guy in the jail who is fluent in Spanish . This guy will forever more be called Popeye . As he was trying his best to explain what S . O . C . K . S means I started to play cartoons in my head . Mr . K , knowing me all too well , had to point this out to Popeye . At which point Popeye started to do old cartoon clips for me . ( Old , like in before my time ! ) The only one he did which I was able to know was Popeye . I have to tell you he got it down great ! He tried some more to teach me about Spanish , I just didn 't get it . So next week I will go to the jail so Popeye can try and teach me some more . Yes , I did just say Popeye 's going to teach me Spanish in jail . Posted by Actually I had to say " I will " But whatever , at the end of the day I was Mrs . T - rex ! Well , like nearly every anniversary , T - rex is gone today . There was no way to get out of it , no way to make a great diner plan , have a party , or even a date just the two of us . Kids came quickly ; Lilly was born 9 months to the day after our wedding . So to celebrate T - rex and I went to the movie on Saturday , at 2 in the afternoon . ( Somehow even that was still so romantic ! ) Being the good wife , and because he got me flowers a few days before , I let him pick the movie . This was a VERY bad idea ! Maybe it 's all men , but we watched the most " manly " movie ever ! It 's called The Expendables . T - rex says if you watch that movie and don 't like it then you don 't have Balls . Every 5 minutes into the movie someone was getting their butt kicked or something was blowing up . Cool guns were as much a staple to the movie as old time action heroes . Um yeah ? ! Like action guys who were big in the 80 's and stuff . The whole idea was to save the girl from the bad guys , to do this you must blow a lot of stuff up . Now tell me is this romantic for a wedding anniversary ? NO it is not ! But I still had a great time ! I hate sappy mush romantic stuff anyway . But a comedy clearly would have fit our marriage better . Although I think T - rex says a horror , or action movie fits just as well . I promise I threw my phone at him next to him only once , and I still say if it was really at him I would have hit him ! Well T - rex I love you ! I will be happy to put up with you for 77 more years ! But , next year I get to pick the movie . Posted by First I put Lilly to bed , because her room is upstairs . She is also easy to get into bed . It is the same every night . ME : " You need to pick up your room tomorrow or I am going to come in and put everything in the trash ! " LILLY : " Okay mommy . I will do better tomorrow ( she never does but eh ) . I love you and daddy , have a good night . " Doors closed , night light on , all other lights in the house off , and she is good to go ! I could put her to bed all day long ! Then it is down stairs to where Rae and Dion sleep . This is not as easy ! I put Rae to bed first , giving Dion time to get PJs on , her room picked up and whatever else she needs to do ( Pee 145 times ! ) . But during this time Dion will come into Rae 's room at least twice . This is a big pain in the butt . Rae has to have her room spotless ! If anything is out of place she will freak out and we have to pick it up right away ! One day I left a paper from a toy in room and she came running upstairs yelling and angrily put it in the trash only to yell at me some more " Mom ! That ! Does ! NOT ! Go ! In my ROOM ! " Yeah OCD does not start to explain this 2 year olds need for a clean room . But I am on to put Dion into bed about 10 minutes after Rae . Dion is a different set of issues . Her room is mostly clean , but they don 't play in her room much . Her bed is always a mess , and there is never a sheet on the bed . This would bother me , the first million nights of putting a sheet on her bed . Anymore I lay a blanket down and call it good . She gets a new sheet once a week , and after that I am done ! But the biggest issue with Dion is she loves to talk ! " Mom why is the sky blue ? Did I eat dirt as a baby ? Do you think daddy will come home tomorrow ? I miss daddy ? WHAT ? WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? " Yeah about 15 minutes later she is ready for her hug and kisses , where she does not let go ! I think I save her for last because she wears me out so much ! Well that was all done , and I was ready to get into bed myself when I hear Rae yell " MOM ! I need a hug and kiss ! " ME : " I already gave you a hug and kiss , go to bed ! " So I gave her another kiss and hug , told her to keep them because I wasn 't going to come back down to give her more . To that she replied , with her little hands around my neck " You stay here ForEVER ! " Once I made room for me on her little toddler bed she looked at me and said " You go to yours own room " So cute I couldn 't stop the smiles for about half an hour . Then T - rex called and as I was telling him about this I realized that she was using me to get more hugs and kisses , and to stay out of bed longer ! I mean really that 's either a very silly 2 year old to say my hug went away , or a very smart one ! I think we are moving into a smaller house , all the kids will share one room , no toys , and before bed time I am going to give them all lots of sugar , timing right so when its bedtime it 's also when they are crashing from the sugar high . Now , I don 't drink much . Wine with dinner is one thing , but for a person to get drunk , well it 's just distasteful to me . At first I thought this was some bad pick up line . At least that would have been more normal ! Oh he learned about other drugs too . I am not allowed to drive after taking Benadryl anymore . As long as I hide the cameras first I should be safe today ! No need for him to introduce me as subject number one to his class . I would write more about this , but like any good wife I am doing my part to help my husband . I drove 2 hours to see T - rex for only 2 short hours to drive back home again ! Tuesday I got all the kids in the car for the long drive to see T - rex at the academy . The drive down there was not bad , it was about noon when we started our long trip , but the kids always do well in the car . With just one stop I thought we were making great time . I knew T - rex didn 't get out until 5 , but thought the kids would enjoy the museum . T - rex called about 30 minutes into the trip . I guess he heard the GPS , because he said " I don 't know but I have a feeling you are on your way down here . " I didn 't know what to think ! Some quick thinking left me to lie to T - rex . Lilly did not like that at all ! I knew I should not have picked up the phone ! The museum was great ! At least I thought so ; the kids didn 't like it that much . It was getting near 5 so we started our way to the academy . Only to get lost ! We got there around 5 : 15 . I thought we had enough time to get T - rex and go out to eat . Only he didn 't pick up his phone ! And no one knew where he was . When I got him on the phone I lied again about a note in his truck to get him to come outside , there the kids were all sitting on his truck and yelled " Surprise ! " they loved it . Turns out he had already eaten ; they let the guys eat early today because at 6 they were getting tased . I was very sad at this . He had not even showered yet , and because I didn 't let him know that we were going to be there he didn 't get permission for us to go to his room . He set us up in the commons room , full of cops , so he could shower and then we would get together with his parents for diner . This was fine with me I could use a minute to sit down , and the kids could use a minute out of the car . And all of this would have been great . But Dino ! Dino is the only kid I know who could run into a room full of cops , act like a monkey , with sounds and everything , and not care at all . She loved it ! She asked everyone if they were a cop . They all smiled and said yes . Lilly sat there and giggled at everyPosted by Maybe you are right ! The other day my window would not go up and it was about to rain . Panic set in as T - rex was gone , the kids wanted to get food , and the clouds were getting darker by the second . So I did the only thing I could think to do . I called my dad , who is master of everything ! But , like normal he was working and did not pick up his phone . So , I called the cop that was on duty and had him come over to fix it . Lion was working , so he ran right over . He spent a few minutes getting the window to go back up and then another few minutes talking to me about things that were going on around town . Now all of this seemed normal to me . Nothing seemed out of place until my dad called back . I told him that I got it fixed because Officer Lion came by . Just like normal conversation . Then my Dad started to laugh so hard I started to cry ! Dad : " You called the cops to fix your window ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA ! " Dad : " You know Yellow , that 's not normal ! Most people don 't call the cops to fix their window , maybe a mechanic if they know one , or a friend who is good with cars , but not a cop ! " Me : " Oh " We spent a good 10 minutes laughing about this . I guess maybe he is right , it 's not normal to call the cops for car issues . But Lion got it working ! LOL Posted by Yep Ugh ! Not much to post about today , only because I have not had a moment to write things out . Drove the million hours to see T - rex at the academy today . Nice surprise for him . Even if we were only able to see each other for a few hours . It was very nice , and the kids had a great time ! Even Dino . I think Dino is the only child in the world who can walk into a room full of cops and start to run around action like a monkey . . no really a monkey with sounds and everything ! Well , more on our great trip to see T - rex later . For now I am off to bed , because UGH it has been a long day ! Hope everyone is having a great weekend ! Is it sad that T - rex is worth more money dead then he is alive ? Is it sad that I know this ? Now this is only true if he were to die on the job . I think if he were to be so rude as to pass away when off work I would dress him in his uniform , place him in his car , and call him into work before letting anyone know he has passed away . I know morbid right ! Yet we had to have that talk today . I sit here alone at home , with the stress that something might happen to him . I had no clue what would happen if he were to die . I have never dealt with a close loved one dying . Never . I almost felt bad for telling him he better die at work . He said it 's okay because Mighty Mouse has been told the same thing ! I really wonder if that is some sick thing police wives do to deal with the constant stress ? I fear we are picking up our husbands unusual humor . I really hate talking about death . I feel for anyone who has lost a loved one . I cannot fully understand that pain . I think that is why I never knew what would happen if T - rex passed away . I think I liked not knowing . I liked when we never talked about it . But when he is off learning this stuff in class he wants to talk to me about it . Would it be so rude for me to tell him I don 't care ? Ugh ! I will just tell him nothing bad better happen . But then again he never listens to me anyway . My children , Lilly , Dino , and Rae , have been doing an okay job at dealing with T - rex 's many absences as of late . They talk to him on the phone , write him cards for when he will be home , and spend as much of their together time playing around with him . Saying goodbye is still hard . But for the most part everyone is doing well . Dino and T - rex are like best friends , and she really looks up to him . So she has had the hardest time . Lilly has never cared one way or another about most anything . She is 6 now and very smart . She notices things others would miss . Well today she said something deeply profound . She said " I think it 's stupid when daddy has to go . " I could not agree more ! What a great way to put it . It is just stupid . And although we don 't use that word in this house I could not help but to smile and agree . Lately our time together has been bitter sweet with the gloomy tick of the clock counting down the minutes until T - rex has to go again . The in and out has been extra hard on us . Sometimes I think it would be better if he would just stay gone the whole time he is at training rather than come home for a day and half . But as much as it stinks to say goodbye every week it sure is nice to see him . When I asked Dino and Rae what they thought Dino said she missed him , and Rae said that Dino misses him . Lilly just stood by the fact that it was stupid . Next time we go to jail I am going to have Lilly point that out to Mighty Mouse . Okay is it odd that I just said " Next time we go to jail " ? Uh , such is the life of a cop 's wife . Never ! Not in a million years ! Sure they are cute to look at . And , yeah , maybe on some level the cuffs seem like fun ( They are not if you really wanted to know ) . But I never did I want to marry a cop ! I never thought T - rex would become a police officer . I mean this is the party guy of his class ! This is the guy who in high school told the teacher he would bring vodka and orange juice to class . ( He never did but still ! ) How was I to know he would turn into Mr . Law ? Well he did . Now I have to deal with all the cop stuff I don 't like . Such as , I can 't threaten the children as freely as I would like . Although I have never really taped them to the chair to get them to eat dinner it would be nice to at least think about it . . maybe buy tape ? I think I get my sick humor from my mother , who would line my sisters , the kids she was babysitting , and me up on the floor with catsup all over . She would make us lay dead until the babysitting kids ' mom came . Yeah it was great fun ! T - rex smells now . It is not a good work out smell . It 's a sewage , vest , gun , pot smell . I don 't care for it . How can something look so cute and smell so bad ? I think Rae gets it from her dad now too . That kid is so cute , and stinks so bad sometimes . Just shocking ! He sleeps funny hours . Bats are more normal than him ! I have really thought about getting my own room . Fact is , I sleep in the guest room a lot . I really like the bed in the guest room , and he is not in our room anyway . When he does get in at butt thirty whenever , I don 't want to get woken up so guest room it is . This is not what I had in mind when I got married . He thinks most people are criminals . I start to see a lot more criminals . When we go to the store and someone says ' hi ' I assume they are a " client " and take the kids to the car . I am sure to his real friends I seem like a jerk . I don 't think he has real friends anymore who are not cops . I wonder if that is normal . This just is not what I thought things would be like . But it is great ! I don 't think I would trade this life for any other . Getting to see someone do something they love so much is worth it . It 's not that I ever disliked cops . It is just a harder life . Sometimes I think it would be so cool if TPosted by Okay , so I get it people are going to talk to people who they know are in the profession they need help with . I have a plumber friend , and I call him for help with plumbing . He can tell me how to take a pipe off over the phone , or when things are really bad he can install a new flusher thing . I also have an electrician in the family , we talk about what I would someday have him do to the house , and he has put new light switches in for me and stuff like that . All this they can do when they are not working . I pay for all the parts , and their time is free , or a beer and pizza . Mostly I just call and get some advice on how to fix it myself . I take what they say and do it . When told I need to call a plumber to come over , I do that . I don 't complain . If the job takes too much time , or needs to be done when " on the job " I get that . What I don 't get is people calling T - rex for some of the stupid stuff he has been called about . Or even worse people calling me ! Like I know how cop stuff works . I have to remind people that T - rex cannot legally " be a cop " off hours . ( which is really hard because he is also " on call " 24 / 7 ) Now true there are some things he can do off hours just because he is a cop , like carry his gun all over the place , stop violent crimes , and what not . But he cannot give your neighbor a parking ticket because they are too far from the curb . He cannot come write your theft report , and he cannot get you out of a ticket . Calling me to have T - rex get you out a ticket will likely result in me forgetting who you are . You don 't pay out of pocket every time you call the cops , so if there are issues just call the cops who are working ! If they don 't get to you right away then they are busy and your problem is not a big deal . Also don 't call me asking for legal advice , I am not a lawyer . As far as I care the cops did the right thing , and you 're dumb for breaking the law . To make it easy I am going to make a nice list I can pass out to people . Things you can call and ask T - rex or myself about , andThings you can call about : 8 . When you are doing something illegal . IF you call T - rex at home for most of the reasons listed above you will be told to . . . CALL THE COPS ! What an idea . It 's not like T - rex , or I am able to magically make your issues go away . He will talk to you about the job , what he can anyway . He will tell you what to do when you have a ticket , and none of that will include ways to get out of it . But , he will tell you how to pay it quickly so you don 't get more fines . He is such a good man to help like that . T - rex called to tell me he thinks he wants to work homicide . I couldn 't be happier ! I really wonder if that 's normal , a wife getting happy because her husband is going to work with dead bodies and killers . Oh well it made me happy ! First , it means we will likely move to a bigger city . Small towns in the middle of nowhere don 't have that many homicides . I have wanted out of this town for ever , I really want to live in a bigger city , but T - rex is more of a small town guy . Second , it means he will be " off the road " not a lot of traffic stops , and cop chases when working homicide . And last , and always a good thing , to me it just seems safer . Maybe that is just me , and I should look up the numbers . But there is a big risk when making traffic stop , and domestic calls , and stuff . But in homicide he knows he is looking for a killer , and it just seems safer . Well , none of this is going to happen for like at least 5 years . I still didn 't let that stop me . I started to look for houses on line already , called my mom and talked to her about it , looked up jobs in the towns I want to move to and thought about packing . Maybe I should slow this down a little ? I mean he has to get all the way out of training first ! A day later he tells me that he might just want to stick with small town stuff . I started to get very sad . I had dreams of moving ! He does not seem sad about it at all . Some instructor told him that in small towns he will get a chance to do it all , stick in a small town for 5 years or so the instructor said , and a cop will see it all , homicide , child abuse , rape , car accidents , high risk warrants , and a lot of cow chases . Well that almost sounds more exciting then just doing one thing over and over again , and even in the bigger cities I would like to move to , there are not that many homicides a year . My hope only lasted a day . I give up . We are stuck here forever , and he loves it ! Just enough action to keep the guys busy most of the time , and yet not so much that they are late for diner all the time . I guessPosted by I do enjoy the fact that T - rex gets weekends home right now . I almost feel like a " normal " family . We get to take the girls swimming , or out to the zoo . Last weekend we went out to the zoo . It 's about a 35 minute drive to get there , all on old highway . I don 't mind the drive that much , but the truth is I hate driving by open fields . When I was 15 I was in a very bad car accident on a dirt road . We ended up flipping the car into some farmer 's field . I guess driving on dirt roads and open fields still brings back some stress for me . T - rex knows this fact . I have spent many hours yelling at him to slow down ! I think he has some issue with listening to his wife in the car . I think I may have cured that . I am learning cop lingo , and it is paying off ! Like normal he took a curve going too fast so I started to yell at him . And like normal he took the next curve faster and this time moved over onto the shoulder . As the car started to go over the warning bumps I started to yell louder and hit him with my shoe . ( We will get to how ' smart ' that was in a moment ) . T - rex : " I wasn 't going any faster than the posted speed limit ! " This went on like this for a few minutes . Then I realized he said I was a bad driver . I could not really argue with him over that . After all , I don 't drive a like a cop . But it is fine with me if they add " wife " to the list of road hazards . Anything to get T - rex to stop driving like a cop when we are in the minivan ! We were talking about a class he had . The class was over what to do as a cop if you become a hostage . The teacher I guess is a really cool guy and one who I would like to meet sometime . He seems to think the same way I do . The " policy " is to lay low , get out if you can , and all that good stuff . It is pretty much what they tell bankers anymore . DON ' T FIGHT BACK . Well the teacher of the class told the students to " read what the hand out says , but listen to me , I don 't agree with the hand out . . . . " He then told them all the things I would tell anyone , FIGHT BACK ! I guess this has something to do with the kind of cereal my parents got me as a child . But I truly think anything worth having is worth fighting for , and that means your life too . I think people who take life lying down are weak . I think as long as I can fight my way out without hurting anyone I will . As a kid this " fighting " was often times verbal for me . I did get into a few fist fights in first grade and what not . I remember me and another kid would fight with the older kids when they were picking on the younger kids . He and I thought we were heroes or something . I also would fight with authority that I thought was wrong . Sometimes I was wrong . Other times , like in High School Business class I was very right . The point is that no matter what it was I would take a stand for what I believed in and I would do what I could to get what I thought was right to be done . Now as an adult I have learned that not everything is worth fighting for . My chocolate cookies are worth the fight ! So hands of Rae ! But a little disagreement does not bring war to my world anymore . I am sure my parents are pleased with this maturity . But life , life is always worth fighting for . Justice , what is right , what is truly right , is always worth the fight . So when I was talking to T - rex I told him I have always felt it was better to die for something worth fighting for than to live a life letting evil prevail . I think if you don 't at least attempt to defeat the ' evNo fight is ever without a loss . " I hate to shower , bathe , or take a long . . . . restroom break . After all when are you more vulnerable then when you have your pants at your feet ? It does not help that T - rex loves horror movies . In horror movies the cute girl always goes first ! ( I am doomed ! ) And most of the time it is because she can 't hear or see what is coming to get her , because she is doing something dumb , like taking a show at midnight ! Image by Capt . Tim via Flickr I also don 't like showers , baths , or restroom breaks because I have three kids . Put a 2 year old , a 5 year old , and a 6 year old in a room alone and what do you think happens ? I will tell you , a mess happens . My mornings are crazy . I am not a morning person . By the time I am up , kids are feed , and things are never calm enough to take a shower if the kids are up ! So showers got moved to after the kids were in bed . This was also not a good idea . By the time I am ready for bed , or a shower its dark out . Dark is the universal signal for dumb stuff to happen and freak me out . It never fails , I get all ready and there is a sound . Put pants and shirt back on to find a kid out of bed . Go back into restroom ; get ready again , only to hear another sound . This will go on about 3 or 4 times , most of the sounds are just the house or my head . Eventually the sounds will stop until I turn the water on . This causes a lot of on and off of the water . By the time I am done with the shower I more stressed then when I got in . It has gotten so bad I have thought of showering in a swim suit . I wonder if we can waterproof a Glock ? Oh well , I can 't go around stinking . So , I am off to take my 35 . 6 second " shower . " I should be done in about 20 minutes . Posted by T - rex has an odd obsession with T . V shows . Most notably cop shows and even movies . It has gotten so bad I turned our cable off . Every few minutes into my show he has to remark how " that 's not real . " I don 't think he gets that I don 't care that it 's not real . I am sure most people know that it 's not real . He will point out very odd things , like a character that puts the radio on the wrong side of her uniform , or a detective who gets a clue from a sandwich . It 's called entertainment . I wonder if Doctors do that with shows about Doctors too . " That symptom does not apply to this diagnosis . " Or if Doctors try to find out what is wrong with a patient before Dr . House gets it . No one ever says that the Simpsons are wrong because the people are yellow in that show . I mean we get that it 's just for fun . But with Cop shows there seems to be some issues . He has to make a point that they are wrong . I think I am going to make a show for moms and see how many mothers say " That 's not how you make a PB & J ! " Image via WikipediaI dislike the big city pools . I never was one to like them , even as a kid . But now that I have kids I find that I must drag them down at least once during the summer , they are young so once is still good . I am going to be sad the year they are at that age where they want to go all the time , yet I still have to be there . I think we might move that summer , to some place with no pool . But we went today . And I was having an okay time . Alright , it was a good time . Rae and I were near the edge where it has what 's called a zero entry , so it 's all safe and stuff . She loves it , I didn 't have to stress about her . Dino wanted to do the slides so T - rex would take her over there and I would watch Rae act like a fish and Lilly would try to see as far as she could go out before getting afraid . Great times . Everyone was having fun and happy , well , almost everyone . One dad must have had too much coffee , or something . His son was about 8 or so , and wanted to do the slides . Dad said sure , I will be right over here . Dad then starts to look at hot girls in little clothes . Great Dad ! The son goes down the slide and hits the water going under for just a minute . The boy then starts to yell " HELP " . He was clearly afraid . Now it 's clear that this boy is fine , he is above the water , and if my 5 year old can go down the slide a million times with no issue , ( she can 't swim but can walk to the wall ) then this boy can . But he is a little freaked out . Panic was in his eyes . The whole time Dad is too far away to really help and the lifeguard is just sitting there , I mean this guy didn 't even move , lean in to talk to the boy , or nothing the lifeguard just sat there . Well that got dads attention . Dad stomps over there and starts to yell at the lifeguard " Hey you A * * F * * * ! Don 't you see that kid yelling for help ? ! " Now at this point part of me is like way to go dad ! The parent in me was very ticked off that the lifeguard didn 't at least wiggle a butt cheek to check on this kid . Then the Cop 's wife in me kYellow I guess the rules are I am to post10 new things about myself , and then pass it on . Well Thank you gals for thinking of me ! Here are 10 new things about myself . 1 . I like the color green . I think it is pretty . It is also a color I can see easily . I cannot see orange and yellow really well . 2 . I am anti - politically correct . But I do respect people . For instance my VCR is retarded not a person . I tend to upset people with my avoidance of P . C . things . I don 't tend to care . When people were trying to be P . C . and call my daughter slow I secretly wanted to punch them in the face . She was / is just who she was / is and there is nothing wrong with that . No labels are needed . 3 . I am an open book . I have nothing to hide , other than who I am online ; ) I spent years of my life literally hiding , and I don 't ever want to go back to that . I tend to tell friends and family what I think , ( as nice as I can ) with little regard to if I should or not . I have a hard time keeping things in anymore . This goes for my children too , who see more and hear more than they should at times . But I don 't think keeping things from them is really the best way to protect them . 4 . I love diet coke . No I NEED diet coke . We say soda , even though no one in my family does . 5 . I knew I was going to marry T - rex long before we started to date . 6 . My Dad was and is the best dad in the world . I still live in that place where he is superman . I don 't know if I will ever fully get out of that place . I do see his faults , and the things I want to change , but no matter of that he was still the best dad I could have growing up . I secretly still want his approval and praise in everything . 7 . My family , outside of my parents and sisters , consist of nuts and evil . I avoid them . 8 . I call my mom every day . She really is a best friend in so many ways . Yet still a mom . I don 't know how she is able to find the balance but I love it . Our fights are bad , but they are so few . I guess best friends are bound to fight some . But a mom and daughter will always work things ouPosted by For some reason the house is only clean when T - rex is gone . House work gets done so much faster when he is working . I am not sure why this is , but I do have a theory . I think the house stays clean when he is gone because he is not here to make a mess ! ! T - rex thinks that when he is gone I am so bored that I just clean nonstop for something to do . I think when he is home he gets in my way and distracts me with silly requests to watch random videos . He thinks I get lazy when he is home . I am not really sure why the house is only clean when T - rex is at work . I do however know some days it is worth him working overtime so I can see the floor . Image by Becky F via Flickr Posted by School supply shopping brings back good memories from my childhood . Or at least it did until last year . When I was a kid my mom would save up all summer to take us shopping , we would go out about a week before school started and just get everything . We would get new cloths , lots of new cloths , and pens , paper , markers , and glue . It was an all girl thing , and we loved it ! Last year was Lilly 's first year of school . For kindergarten they had a very long list of stuff to get . Mostly there were large quantities of glue on the list . This would not be an issue , if it were not for Dino and Lilly being as they are . They are only 14 months apart , which means they are best friends and worst enemies at the same time . So , it started with a little fight , and ended with a mess . Dino talks a lot , and this bugs Lilly . Lilly likes things peaceful , Dino likes the action ! The differences there start many fights in our house . I truly wish I could have been in the room when this was going on . But , no , I had to shower . So I cannot tell you the thinking that leads to this . I can 't imagine what went down in Lilly 's room to end like it did . I just know that when I came out of the shower I quickly turned around to go back in . Lilly had taken it upon herself to GLUE Dino to the wall . There was my middle child with glue all over hair , back , legs , and arms . She was pushed against the wall , which was also covered in school glue . Lilly was holding her down trying to get her to stick . I am sure a heat lamp and fan were coming next to get the glue to dry and Dino to stick forever . Once I was able to stop laughing . I asked Lilly why she glued her sister to the wall . She replied " Dino was talking too much and bugging me , we don 't have a jail . " Ah , but why GLUE ? I don 't think I will ever fully understand . Now it is time to go school shopping again , this year both of them are in school and I need a total of 10 different glue things . The stress is kicking in already . I feel for the teachers this year , and the little boy who is crushingYellow WARNING : ADULT LANGUAGE , AFTER ALL T - REX IS A COP ! ! So , this weekend was my little sister 's wedding . It was a great wedding . She looked just wow ! The girls were flower girls , and they looked so cute . T - rex got to kidnap her at the reception , and they had a great time going to McDonalds out of all places , to get a drink and talk . I think for T - rex he needed to do that because that was his little sister . Part of him just wanted to check in on his little sister . Those two are good friends , which might be odd but T - rex and I got married when she was still in high school and he always treated her like his little sister . And he thought it would be fun to stress the groom out a little ! That 's my husband ! The wedding was great ; everyone had a really good time . But it was late . We had to drive two hours to get back home . Add in kids and we really had to drive like 3 hours and we didn 't get out on the road until about 11 : 30 our time ( Yeah add in a time change too ) . What happened on the way home was just meant to be , karma , or a God thing . Just how in the word everything fell into place is beyond me . This is a small town , my home town , so I tend to let my guard down . We opted to stop and get gas before getting a bite to eat because our gas gauge has been acting up , and I wanted to make sure we would have enough money , and gas for the rest of our long trip home . After getting gas we discussed where to go to get a quick cheap bite to eat . We almost stopped at McDonalds just because we know the dollar menu keeps the kids happy . I argued my way into Wendy 's which we thought was closed . It was open and T - rex started to order his food . Then this guy comes up and says " I am just closing your gas lid boss . " First any guy who says " boss " kind of freaks me out . Maybe I heard him wrong , but I really don 't think I did . It stuck with me that he said " boss . " Well T - rex being how he is says thank you and then checks this guy out as he leaves . All of a sudden T - rex yells " That son of a bitch ! " Then he goes to unbuckle himself , which just so happens to be the side where T - rex usually keeps his gun . It 's dark and late , and I see T - rex yell and go for his gun . As T - rex is getting out of the car this guy turns around and starts to walk to T - rex yelling something like " Well Mother Fucker ! " Panic started to set in , and I had no clue what was going on . What did this guy do ? Was T - rex going to shoot him ? Do I pull over into the driver side and drive away ? Do I hide the kids ? How am I going to hide the kids ? I don 't think I have ever been more afraid in my life . Then this guy gives T - rex a hug . They sit there with dumb smiles on their faces , and a round of " Hey man ! Wow ! What are you doing here ? " goes about . Turns out this guy was an old friend of T - rex 's back in high school . They hadn 't seen each other in at least 7 years . I remember the guy a little from high school . He was much older , and I always thought he was kind of full of himself . But T - rex and he seem to be good friends . And all that is nice , I would love to be happy for T - rex , but I am still trying to get my heart to stop ! Really do all guys greet each other like that ? And what with the swears ? It really sounded like T - rex was mad that the guy did something to the car ! I don 't know what I thought this guy did . . . but he must have been a bad guy . Well , that is how it sounded when T - rex went off like he did . I think the swears must be a cop / military / guy thing . Whenever T - rex 's brother Joe calls , they answer the phone with a stream of swears . I fear for the kids when Joe calls ! Well I am happy that T - rex got to see an old friend . I think it is great , and everything had to fall into place just right for that to happen . I am happy it did , I Posted by T - rex really loves to stress people out . I mean that is the only clear explanation for doing what he did . Like things are not hard enough right now , he has to add to the stress ! My mom says I have a habit of hanging up on people when I am mad at them . Well now that I have a clear head I can say she might be right about that . I guess I will work on that . What was he thinking ? Really ! He needed to tell me that . I have had a very good system going here ! I ignore any real danger he might be in , and tell the psychologist in me to shut up . She listens well enough and I go on blind to any danger that our cops are in . I am sure this is not a very healthy way of coping with things , but I think it 's working well enough for now . T - rex being as he is says I am sheep . ( Check out the books by LT . Col . Dave Grossman to find out what that means ) He thinks that I need to be less like a sheep and more like a sheep dog . I try to tell him dogs smell funny . He does not seem to care . To T - rex it is better to know all the evils of the world and face them . To me if I did that every day I would die of worry . I know that there are risks with his job . I get that every day is a risk for him and all our officers . But I cannot stop living my life out of the fear he might . So to him I say " baa baa . " The real pain is how he always has to share this mortality news at the worst time . Like after a night of bad dreams , or reading about an officer who gave up his life trying to save another . I guess his timing will always be bad . But I love him so what am I to do ? I think I will just call him back and tell him he better not got shot with his own gun , or I will be really mad . Posted by 1 . Enjoy taking uniform off husband . Actually , just think you will enjoy taking uniform off husband . The stink and sweat make the uniform unpleasant to touch , when it is off there is an even nastier vest and undershirt on . 2 . Tell husband to put uniform in the hamper . 3 . Husband gets uniform in hamper but puts vest and undershirt on bed . 4 . Yell at husband for putting vest and undershirt on bed ! ( see how to wash a Kevlar vest and stinky undershirt ) 5 . Notice husband did not take off all the " brass " so spend about 10 minutes messing with that . Poke your little finger , and yell at husband for forgetting to take the " metal poky things " off . 6 . Wash uniform according to directions ; add a little more detergent because it was so close to stink vest and undershirt . 7 . Dry uniform according to directions . 8 . Spend 20 minutes looking for iron that you never use anymore . 9 . Question the intelligence at the office . " Everything is ' wash and wear ' any more , these guys are in the stone age ! " 10 . Spend 15 minutes getting all the wrinkles out . 11 . Admire your work , and go brag to husband about it . 12 . When husband remarks that it needs the little lines ironed down the legs throw uniform at his face . 13 . Husband , now a cop , and master of verbal judo , makes you feel guilty and determined to get it right . The usage of " Mark 's wife . . . . . " is enough to make you want to stab him , but you are better than Mark 's wife so off you go to try again ! 16 . Give up and take uniform to the cleaners so they can " press " it . Spend a few minutes daydreaming about what " pressing " a uniform means . I , personally , am sure they have a thing the size of a bed that smashes the uniform into shape . I don 't want one , so I should take the uniform to a place where they already have one . 17 . Sneak out back door so husband does not see you are not like " Mark 's wife " 19 . Show Husband clean and pressed uniform . Take all the credit , and ask if he thinks you are better than " Mark 's wife " now ! When he says " yes babe , Mark 's wife takes his down to the cleaner " and starts to laugh avoid dumping coffee on him , but it is okay to throw uniform at his face again . 20 . Write a random letter to the office ever day saying how the cops look stupid in their dressy uniforms , even though secretly you think nothing is hotter than a cop in uniform . Recommend all the cops go to " wash and wear " uniforms , also called soft uniforms . A polo shirt would be just fine . 21 . Mail said letters from the store where you are going to stock up on massive amounts of starch . Who cares if your husband can 't move ? The lines down the legs are never coming out ! Why , yes I do ! T - rex came home for the weekend and noticed the kids were watching some movie made in the 80s about a unicorn , it 's called " The Last Unicorn " if you really want to look it up . Anyway it has a wizard ( which I am not too giddy about ) some unicorns and other things , the wizard turns the unicorn into a naked girl ( You don 't see anything ) and then some other stuff happens , I don 't think I have ever actually seen the whole thing in order . We got it from my best friend , she loved it as a kid , and that was good enough for me . Okay I did check to make sure it wasn 't rated R first ! And that it wasn 't going to be anything too bad . It 's not . At least I don 't think it is bad for a few 5 year old girls . But , T - rex nearly flipped out ! I guess there is a part where a tree turns into an old woman , and the wizard boy gets stuck in her , um , chest . The " woman " is still a tree . So the , um , chest is still wood . Oh gosh that might be bad ! Anyway it 's a dumb cartoon , and the kids like it . It reminded me of the old cartoons I would watch with my dad . Now I can already see him turning red . Sorry Dad ! ! ! We would watch bugs bunny and stuff all the time . I would sit there and laugh at the right times , my dad on the other hand would laugh at the wrong times . I didn 't really understand this as a kid . When I got older and watched some of the cartoons we would watch together I got it . They add a lot of grownup humor to those things ! I think they did it just so the grownups could stomach them . Now the cartoons are so boring ! It is all little puffy pink things playing nice and talking about " going green " or " being nice . " So bad for kids I think . Whatever happened to the good old days ? The days when the roadrunner got away , speedy shot something , and the cat got the tar beaten out of him for eating the bird . People must of gotten all worried about a horse turning into a girl , no duh she didn 't have clothes on she was a horse two seconds ago ! The kids don 't even notice it , it 's not wrong in theiYellow T - rex calls , and calls , and calls . From the first time we went out until I die that boy will call me every day . And it 's nice ; don 't get me wrong , I love talking to him . He has a sexy phone voice . Right now with him being gone so much it is really nice to get to talk to him . It 's all we have anymore . However , he has the timing of a . . . . a thing with really bad timing ! When we were dating he would call during dinner , almost every night . I think he is rubbing off on me , now I call my mom when she is doing her hair , every time . Middle of the afternoon she is at the salon getting her hair done ! I think she spends way too much time on her hair . Anyway , so I am trying to cook , clean , get the kids in bed , whatever it is and he calls . But he does not call just once nope , I cut him off the first time so he calls back in 30 minutes thinking I am done ; only now I am not done . So this cycle goes on for about 3 hours . The other night was one such night . Maybe I was moody ; I am a girl it happens ! Maybe I was stressed , it was bedtime . Maybe , just maybe , he was bugging me ! As I was putting Lilly to bed the phone rang . I knew it was T - rex , and I just lost it . I threw the stuffed animal I was holding against the wall and stormed out to get the phone . It was T - rex calling to tell me he missed me and he loved me . I started to feel bad for getting so annoyed with him . We said goodbye and I sulked back to Lilly 's room . I told her I was sorry for throwing the stuffed animal , and that it was really bad of me to do that . We don 't throw things when we are mad . I also told her that her dad made me frustrated when he calls so much at bed time . And then Lilly let me have it . " But mom ! He misses you ! Daddy loves you so much . And it is okay you threw the stuffed animal , we all get frustrated , but please pick it up . Thank you for saying sorry . Just , mom , I miss Daddy too . " My 6 year old has some psychology skills going on . She was so cute being so grown up . More than anything she was right . I think I get mad because I spend almost all day sitting near the phone waiting for T - rex to call . His timing has not changed , the minute I do something he calls . I guess I get mad because I miss him too . So , Lilly made me feel like dirt , and we called T - rex back . He said he understands . I am happy him and the 6 year old get it , because I sure don 't ! Posted by I will never ever commit a crime as long as I live . For no other reason than I don 't ever want to be interrogated . How stressful that must be for people . T - rex is learning about interrogation right now . So like any good student he had to try it out , and like any good wife , I gave myself up for the name of education ! He thought it would be simple for him to try out some of his skills , and see the " suspect 's " reactions . So I was told to take something off the top of the table and go sit outside . He would then find out what I took and try to get me to say why I took it and where I put it . I took a voice recorder and put it under the couch . I thought I was being smart ! He came back out in like 2 seconds and started the interview part . I could not stop giggling . T - rex : " Mrs . Rex , do you know why you were called down here ? " Me : All giggles . " Um , no " I could not help but giggle the whole time . T - rex said I did that because I was nervous . I guess I was a little . Then he started in on the real interrogation part of things , and the giggles kind of stopped . But my hands started to fidget . T - rex says that is what guilty people do to avoid facing what 's going on . I think that is what anyone does when being drilled a million questions , and accused of doing something bad . I stopped looking at him when he told me he KNEW I took it . I knew he knew but , it made me more nervous . He started to move in and I tried to pull away . I was ready to crack just to get him to stop . I did , even after all my brave front with the funny nick name and attitude at the start I caved in and told him everything ! It was just a game ! Nothing bad was going to happen to me . I knew he already knew what I took , there wasn 't that much stuff on the table , he knew it was me . The whole point was for me to do something and him ask questions . Why did I cave in so easy ? I think he is going to be a good interviewer / interrogator . I just hope he never asks how much my shoes cost . I have a feeling he is going to use his new skills to his advantage around Christmas time . Related articles by ZemantaInterrogation Verses an Interview / skills Involved ( socyberty . com ) Bed ! That 's right , ammo in the bed . I am still lucky there is no ammo in the dryer . However , you cannot really say finding ammo in the bed is lucky . There I was ready to fall asleep when I rolled over to get poked in the butt . Part of me wanted to think something fun was going to come out of this , but T - rex is gone . Then I thought the kids left toys on the bed . No , it was not the kids . It was T - rex , which is just as bad as if it were one of the kids . There on the bed was a . 223 round . I am not sure what a . 223 round really is , but it goes in a big gun with some letters and a number . If you know what it is please don 't bother explaining it to me , I will just play cartoons in my head . I have already lost 34 . 5 hours this year watching cartoons when T - rex tries to explain gun stuff to me . I am sure some of it is sticking , as I know this round is a . 223 . I was getting ready to call him and yell at him for not putting ammo up , but thought better of it and I decided I would yell at him the next day . Well , it 's a good thing I waited . The next morning I went to get my earrings when five . 22 rounds fell out of my jewelry box . They were mine . I felt almost bad for wanting to give T - rex an ear full . But my rounds never poked him in the butt ! I do know what a . 22 is . I have an old riffle that my dad gave me . It 's the first and only gun I have ever really shot . The sights are bent , as they have been from the time I got it . T - rex says he wants to fix them . I don 't want him too , I am afraid if he does I will not know how to shoot my gun ! I am a fairly good shot with that gun too . I tilt it slightly to the right , aim with both eyes open , and fire . I can get a good head shot off where T - rex practices for qualifications . He is always trying to teach me how to shoot the " right " way . I guess he thinks he needs to show me how to do it right because near the end of the day my paper is covered in holes . The only ones I even count are the ones I tried to aim with . Two in the chest and one to the head , all the other ones are from me just smelling gun powder . I love that smell . And with . 22 I can afford to just play around . With a single shot I don 't have time to aim . Or at least that 's what I tell myself . I don 't want to learn about guns , or how to shoot . I like what I have going here with the old gun my dad gave me . And if I did leave the ammo from my gun on the bed it would not poke anyone in the butt . Please note that this is just a general outline . You may find you can skip a few steps , or you may need to add a few more . For instance you . . . I am a Police Wife I have an issue , and I see that it is only my issue . You see I am a Police officer 's wife . I don 't have sympathy f . . . 1 . He actually uses sick time ! 2 . He turns off his radio , and cell phone 3 . When sirens go off he doesn 't care 4 . . . . |
I am taking Spanish this year as a degree requirement . Which is all well and fine , but I still have a hard time with the English language ! The book is even written in Spanish ! I am doomed to fail this class . Well being as resourceful as I am , I called the cops ! T - rex worked with a guy in the jail who is fluent in Spanish . This guy will forever more be called Popeye . As he was trying his best to explain what S . O . C . K . S means I started to play cartoons in my head . Mr . K , knowing me all too well , had to point this out to Popeye . At which point Popeye started to do old cartoon clips for me . ( Old , like in before my time ! ) The only one he did which I was able to know was Popeye . I have to tell you he got it down great ! He tried some more to teach me about Spanish , I just didn 't get it . So next week I will go to the jail so Popeye can try and teach me some more . Yes , I did just say Popeye 's going to teach me Spanish in jail . Posted by Actually I had to say " I will " But whatever , at the end of the day I was Mrs . T - rex ! Well , like nearly every anniversary , T - rex is gone today . There was no way to get out of it , no way to make a great diner plan , have a party , or even a date just the two of us . Kids came quickly ; Lilly was born 9 months to the day after our wedding . So to celebrate T - rex and I went to the movie on Saturday , at 2 in the afternoon . ( Somehow even that was still so romantic ! ) Being the good wife , and because he got me flowers a few days before , I let him pick the movie . This was a VERY bad idea ! Maybe it 's all men , but we watched the most " manly " movie ever ! It 's called The Expendables . T - rex says if you watch that movie and don 't like it then you don 't have Balls . Every 5 minutes into the movie someone was getting their butt kicked or something was blowing up . Cool guns were as much a staple to the movie as old time action heroes . Um yeah ? ! Like action guys who were big in the 80 's and stuff . The whole idea was to save the girl from the bad guys , to do this you must blow a lot of stuff up . Now tell me is this romantic for a wedding anniversary ? NO it is not ! But I still had a great time ! I hate sappy mush romantic stuff anyway . But a comedy clearly would have fit our marriage better . Although I think T - rex says a horror , or action movie fits just as well . I promise I threw my phone at him next to him only once , and I still say if it was really at him I would have hit him ! Well T - rex I love you ! I will be happy to put up with you for 77 more years ! But , next year I get to pick the movie . Posted by First I put Lilly to bed , because her room is upstairs . She is also easy to get into bed . It is the same every night . ME : " You need to pick up your room tomorrow or I am going to come in and put everything in the trash ! " LILLY : " Okay mommy . I will do better tomorrow ( she never does but eh ) . I love you and daddy , have a good night . " Doors closed , night light on , all other lights in the house off , and she is good to go ! I could put her to bed all day long ! Then it is down stairs to where Rae and Dion sleep . This is not as easy ! I put Rae to bed first , giving Dion time to get PJs on , her room picked up and whatever else she needs to do ( Pee 145 times ! ) . But during this time Dion will come into Rae 's room at least twice . This is a big pain in the butt . Rae has to have her room spotless ! If anything is out of place she will freak out and we have to pick it up right away ! One day I left a paper from a toy in room and she came running upstairs yelling and angrily put it in the trash only to yell at me some more " Mom ! That ! Does ! NOT ! Go ! In my ROOM ! " Yeah OCD does not start to explain this 2 year olds need for a clean room . But I am on to put Dion into bed about 10 minutes after Rae . Dion is a different set of issues . Her room is mostly clean , but they don 't play in her room much . Her bed is always a mess , and there is never a sheet on the bed . This would bother me , the first million nights of putting a sheet on her bed . Anymore I lay a blanket down and call it good . She gets a new sheet once a week , and after that I am done ! But the biggest issue with Dion is she loves to talk ! " Mom why is the sky blue ? Did I eat dirt as a baby ? Do you think daddy will come home tomorrow ? I miss daddy ? WHAT ? WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? " Yeah about 15 minutes later she is ready for her hug and kisses , where she does not let go ! I think I save her for last because she wears me out so much ! Well that was all done , and I was ready to get into bed myself when I hear Rae yell " MOM ! I need a hug and kiss ! " ME : " I already gave you a hug and kiss , go to bed ! " So I gave her another kiss and hug , told her to keep them because I wasn 't going to come back down to give her more . To that she replied , with her little hands around my neck " You stay here ForEVER ! " Once I made room for me on her little toddler bed she looked at me and said " You go to yours own room " So cute I couldn 't stop the smiles for about half an hour . Then T - rex called and as I was telling him about this I realized that she was using me to get more hugs and kisses , and to stay out of bed longer ! I mean really that 's either a very silly 2 year old to say my hug went away , or a very smart one ! I think we are moving into a smaller house , all the kids will share one room , no toys , and before bed time I am going to give them all lots of sugar , timing right so when its bedtime it 's also when they are crashing from the sugar high . Now , I don 't drink much . Wine with dinner is one thing , but for a person to get drunk , well it 's just distasteful to me . At first I thought this was some bad pick up line . At least that would have been more normal ! Oh he learned about other drugs too . I am not allowed to drive after taking Benadryl anymore . As long as I hide the cameras first I should be safe today ! No need for him to introduce me as subject number one to his class . I would write more about this , but like any good wife I am doing my part to help my husband . I drove 2 hours to see T - rex for only 2 short hours to drive back home again ! Tuesday I got all the kids in the car for the long drive to see T - rex at the academy . The drive down there was not bad , it was about noon when we started our long trip , but the kids always do well in the car . With just one stop I thought we were making great time . I knew T - rex didn 't get out until 5 , but thought the kids would enjoy the museum . T - rex called about 30 minutes into the trip . I guess he heard the GPS , because he said " I don 't know but I have a feeling you are on your way down here . " I didn 't know what to think ! Some quick thinking left me to lie to T - rex . Lilly did not like that at all ! I knew I should not have picked up the phone ! The museum was great ! At least I thought so ; the kids didn 't like it that much . It was getting near 5 so we started our way to the academy . Only to get lost ! We got there around 5 : 15 . I thought we had enough time to get T - rex and go out to eat . Only he didn 't pick up his phone ! And no one knew where he was . When I got him on the phone I lied again about a note in his truck to get him to come outside , there the kids were all sitting on his truck and yelled " Surprise ! " they loved it . Turns out he had already eaten ; they let the guys eat early today because at 6 they were getting tased . I was very sad at this . He had not even showered yet , and because I didn 't let him know that we were going to be there he didn 't get permission for us to go to his room . He set us up in the commons room , full of cops , so he could shower and then we would get together with his parents for diner . This was fine with me I could use a minute to sit down , and the kids could use a minute out of the car . And all of this would have been great . But Dino ! Dino is the only kid I know who could run into a room full of cops , act like a monkey , with sounds and everything , and not care at all . She loved it ! She asked everyone if they were a cop . They all smiled and said yes . Lilly sat there and giggled at everyPosted by Maybe you are right ! The other day my window would not go up and it was about to rain . Panic set in as T - rex was gone , the kids wanted to get food , and the clouds were getting darker by the second . So I did the only thing I could think to do . I called my dad , who is master of everything ! But , like normal he was working and did not pick up his phone . So , I called the cop that was on duty and had him come over to fix it . Lion was working , so he ran right over . He spent a few minutes getting the window to go back up and then another few minutes talking to me about things that were going on around town . Now all of this seemed normal to me . Nothing seemed out of place until my dad called back . I told him that I got it fixed because Officer Lion came by . Just like normal conversation . Then my Dad started to laugh so hard I started to cry ! Dad : " You called the cops to fix your window ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA ! " Dad : " You know Yellow , that 's not normal ! Most people don 't call the cops to fix their window , maybe a mechanic if they know one , or a friend who is good with cars , but not a cop ! " Me : " Oh " We spent a good 10 minutes laughing about this . I guess maybe he is right , it 's not normal to call the cops for car issues . But Lion got it working ! LOL Posted by Yep Ugh ! Not much to post about today , only because I have not had a moment to write things out . Drove the million hours to see T - rex at the academy today . Nice surprise for him . Even if we were only able to see each other for a few hours . It was very nice , and the kids had a great time ! Even Dino . I think Dino is the only child in the world who can walk into a room full of cops and start to run around action like a monkey . . no really a monkey with sounds and everything ! Well , more on our great trip to see T - rex later . For now I am off to bed , because UGH it has been a long day ! Hope everyone is having a great weekend ! Is it sad that T - rex is worth more money dead then he is alive ? Is it sad that I know this ? Now this is only true if he were to die on the job . I think if he were to be so rude as to pass away when off work I would dress him in his uniform , place him in his car , and call him into work before letting anyone know he has passed away . I know morbid right ! Yet we had to have that talk today . I sit here alone at home , with the stress that something might happen to him . I had no clue what would happen if he were to die . I have never dealt with a close loved one dying . Never . I almost felt bad for telling him he better die at work . He said it 's okay because Mighty Mouse has been told the same thing ! I really wonder if that is some sick thing police wives do to deal with the constant stress ? I fear we are picking up our husbands unusual humor . I really hate talking about death . I feel for anyone who has lost a loved one . I cannot fully understand that pain . I think that is why I never knew what would happen if T - rex passed away . I think I liked not knowing . I liked when we never talked about it . But when he is off learning this stuff in class he wants to talk to me about it . Would it be so rude for me to tell him I don 't care ? Ugh ! I will just tell him nothing bad better happen . But then again he never listens to me anyway . My children , Lilly , Dino , and Rae , have been doing an okay job at dealing with T - rex 's many absences as of late . They talk to him on the phone , write him cards for when he will be home , and spend as much of their together time playing around with him . Saying goodbye is still hard . But for the most part everyone is doing well . Dino and T - rex are like best friends , and she really looks up to him . So she has had the hardest time . Lilly has never cared one way or another about most anything . She is 6 now and very smart . She notices things others would miss . Well today she said something deeply profound . She said " I think it 's stupid when daddy has to go . " I could not agree more ! What a great way to put it . It is just stupid . And although we don 't use that word in this house I could not help but to smile and agree . Lately our time together has been bitter sweet with the gloomy tick of the clock counting down the minutes until T - rex has to go again . The in and out has been extra hard on us . Sometimes I think it would be better if he would just stay gone the whole time he is at training rather than come home for a day and half . But as much as it stinks to say goodbye every week it sure is nice to see him . When I asked Dino and Rae what they thought Dino said she missed him , and Rae said that Dino misses him . Lilly just stood by the fact that it was stupid . Next time we go to jail I am going to have Lilly point that out to Mighty Mouse . Okay is it odd that I just said " Next time we go to jail " ? Uh , such is the life of a cop 's wife . Never ! Not in a million years ! Sure they are cute to look at . And , yeah , maybe on some level the cuffs seem like fun ( They are not if you really wanted to know ) . But I never did I want to marry a cop ! I never thought T - rex would become a police officer . I mean this is the party guy of his class ! This is the guy who in high school told the teacher he would bring vodka and orange juice to class . ( He never did but still ! ) How was I to know he would turn into Mr . Law ? Well he did . Now I have to deal with all the cop stuff I don 't like . Such as , I can 't threaten the children as freely as I would like . Although I have never really taped them to the chair to get them to eat dinner it would be nice to at least think about it . . maybe buy tape ? I think I get my sick humor from my mother , who would line my sisters , the kids she was babysitting , and me up on the floor with catsup all over . She would make us lay dead until the babysitting kids ' mom came . Yeah it was great fun ! T - rex smells now . It is not a good work out smell . It 's a sewage , vest , gun , pot smell . I don 't care for it . How can something look so cute and smell so bad ? I think Rae gets it from her dad now too . That kid is so cute , and stinks so bad sometimes . Just shocking ! He sleeps funny hours . Bats are more normal than him ! I have really thought about getting my own room . Fact is , I sleep in the guest room a lot . I really like the bed in the guest room , and he is not in our room anyway . When he does get in at butt thirty whenever , I don 't want to get woken up so guest room it is . This is not what I had in mind when I got married . He thinks most people are criminals . I start to see a lot more criminals . When we go to the store and someone says ' hi ' I assume they are a " client " and take the kids to the car . I am sure to his real friends I seem like a jerk . I don 't think he has real friends anymore who are not cops . I wonder if that is normal . This just is not what I thought things would be like . But it is great ! I don 't think I would trade this life for any other . Getting to see someone do something they love so much is worth it . It 's not that I ever disliked cops . It is just a harder life . Sometimes I think it would be so cool if TPosted by Okay , so I get it people are going to talk to people who they know are in the profession they need help with . I have a plumber friend , and I call him for help with plumbing . He can tell me how to take a pipe off over the phone , or when things are really bad he can install a new flusher thing . I also have an electrician in the family , we talk about what I would someday have him do to the house , and he has put new light switches in for me and stuff like that . All this they can do when they are not working . I pay for all the parts , and their time is free , or a beer and pizza . Mostly I just call and get some advice on how to fix it myself . I take what they say and do it . When told I need to call a plumber to come over , I do that . I don 't complain . If the job takes too much time , or needs to be done when " on the job " I get that . What I don 't get is people calling T - rex for some of the stupid stuff he has been called about . Or even worse people calling me ! Like I know how cop stuff works . I have to remind people that T - rex cannot legally " be a cop " off hours . ( which is really hard because he is also " on call " 24 / 7 ) Now true there are some things he can do off hours just because he is a cop , like carry his gun all over the place , stop violent crimes , and what not . But he cannot give your neighbor a parking ticket because they are too far from the curb . He cannot come write your theft report , and he cannot get you out of a ticket . Calling me to have T - rex get you out a ticket will likely result in me forgetting who you are . You don 't pay out of pocket every time you call the cops , so if there are issues just call the cops who are working ! If they don 't get to you right away then they are busy and your problem is not a big deal . Also don 't call me asking for legal advice , I am not a lawyer . As far as I care the cops did the right thing , and you 're dumb for breaking the law . To make it easy I am going to make a nice list I can pass out to people . Things you can call and ask T - rex or myself about , andThings you can call about : 8 . When you are doing something illegal . IF you call T - rex at home for most of the reasons listed above you will be told to . . . CALL THE COPS ! What an idea . It 's not like T - rex , or I am able to magically make your issues go away . He will talk to you about the job , what he can anyway . He will tell you what to do when you have a ticket , and none of that will include ways to get out of it . But , he will tell you how to pay it quickly so you don 't get more fines . He is such a good man to help like that . T - rex called to tell me he thinks he wants to work homicide . I couldn 't be happier ! I really wonder if that 's normal , a wife getting happy because her husband is going to work with dead bodies and killers . Oh well it made me happy ! First , it means we will likely move to a bigger city . Small towns in the middle of nowhere don 't have that many homicides . I have wanted out of this town for ever , I really want to live in a bigger city , but T - rex is more of a small town guy . Second , it means he will be " off the road " not a lot of traffic stops , and cop chases when working homicide . And last , and always a good thing , to me it just seems safer . Maybe that is just me , and I should look up the numbers . But there is a big risk when making traffic stop , and domestic calls , and stuff . But in homicide he knows he is looking for a killer , and it just seems safer . Well , none of this is going to happen for like at least 5 years . I still didn 't let that stop me . I started to look for houses on line already , called my mom and talked to her about it , looked up jobs in the towns I want to move to and thought about packing . Maybe I should slow this down a little ? I mean he has to get all the way out of training first ! A day later he tells me that he might just want to stick with small town stuff . I started to get very sad . I had dreams of moving ! He does not seem sad about it at all . Some instructor told him that in small towns he will get a chance to do it all , stick in a small town for 5 years or so the instructor said , and a cop will see it all , homicide , child abuse , rape , car accidents , high risk warrants , and a lot of cow chases . Well that almost sounds more exciting then just doing one thing over and over again , and even in the bigger cities I would like to move to , there are not that many homicides a year . My hope only lasted a day . I give up . We are stuck here forever , and he loves it ! Just enough action to keep the guys busy most of the time , and yet not so much that they are late for diner all the time . I guessPosted by I do enjoy the fact that T - rex gets weekends home right now . I almost feel like a " normal " family . We get to take the girls swimming , or out to the zoo . Last weekend we went out to the zoo . It 's about a 35 minute drive to get there , all on old highway . I don 't mind the drive that much , but the truth is I hate driving by open fields . When I was 15 I was in a very bad car accident on a dirt road . We ended up flipping the car into some farmer 's field . I guess driving on dirt roads and open fields still brings back some stress for me . T - rex knows this fact . I have spent many hours yelling at him to slow down ! I think he has some issue with listening to his wife in the car . I think I may have cured that . I am learning cop lingo , and it is paying off ! Like normal he took a curve going too fast so I started to yell at him . And like normal he took the next curve faster and this time moved over onto the shoulder . As the car started to go over the warning bumps I started to yell louder and hit him with my shoe . ( We will get to how ' smart ' that was in a moment ) . T - rex : " I wasn 't going any faster than the posted speed limit ! " This went on like this for a few minutes . Then I realized he said I was a bad driver . I could not really argue with him over that . After all , I don 't drive a like a cop . But it is fine with me if they add " wife " to the list of road hazards . Anything to get T - rex to stop driving like a cop when we are in the minivan ! We were talking about a class he had . The class was over what to do as a cop if you become a hostage . The teacher I guess is a really cool guy and one who I would like to meet sometime . He seems to think the same way I do . The " policy " is to lay low , get out if you can , and all that good stuff . It is pretty much what they tell bankers anymore . DON ' T FIGHT BACK . Well the teacher of the class told the students to " read what the hand out says , but listen to me , I don 't agree with the hand out . . . . " He then told them all the things I would tell anyone , FIGHT BACK ! I guess this has something to do with the kind of cereal my parents got me as a child . But I truly think anything worth having is worth fighting for , and that means your life too . I think people who take life lying down are weak . I think as long as I can fight my way out without hurting anyone I will . As a kid this " fighting " was often times verbal for me . I did get into a few fist fights in first grade and what not . I remember me and another kid would fight with the older kids when they were picking on the younger kids . He and I thought we were heroes or something . I also would fight with authority that I thought was wrong . Sometimes I was wrong . Other times , like in High School Business class I was very right . The point is that no matter what it was I would take a stand for what I believed in and I would do what I could to get what I thought was right to be done . Now as an adult I have learned that not everything is worth fighting for . My chocolate cookies are worth the fight ! So hands of Rae ! But a little disagreement does not bring war to my world anymore . I am sure my parents are pleased with this maturity . But life , life is always worth fighting for . Justice , what is right , what is truly right , is always worth the fight . So when I was talking to T - rex I told him I have always felt it was better to die for something worth fighting for than to live a life letting evil prevail . I think if you don 't at least attempt to defeat the ' evNo fight is ever without a loss . " I hate to shower , bathe , or take a long . . . . restroom break . After all when are you more vulnerable then when you have your pants at your feet ? It does not help that T - rex loves horror movies . In horror movies the cute girl always goes first ! ( I am doomed ! ) And most of the time it is because she can 't hear or see what is coming to get her , because she is doing something dumb , like taking a show at midnight ! Image by Capt . Tim via Flickr I also don 't like showers , baths , or restroom breaks because I have three kids . Put a 2 year old , a 5 year old , and a 6 year old in a room alone and what do you think happens ? I will tell you , a mess happens . My mornings are crazy . I am not a morning person . By the time I am up , kids are feed , and things are never calm enough to take a shower if the kids are up ! So showers got moved to after the kids were in bed . This was also not a good idea . By the time I am ready for bed , or a shower its dark out . Dark is the universal signal for dumb stuff to happen and freak me out . It never fails , I get all ready and there is a sound . Put pants and shirt back on to find a kid out of bed . Go back into restroom ; get ready again , only to hear another sound . This will go on about 3 or 4 times , most of the sounds are just the house or my head . Eventually the sounds will stop until I turn the water on . This causes a lot of on and off of the water . By the time I am done with the shower I more stressed then when I got in . It has gotten so bad I have thought of showering in a swim suit . I wonder if we can waterproof a Glock ? Oh well , I can 't go around stinking . So , I am off to take my 35 . 6 second " shower . " I should be done in about 20 minutes . Posted by T - rex has an odd obsession with T . V shows . Most notably cop shows and even movies . It has gotten so bad I turned our cable off . Every few minutes into my show he has to remark how " that 's not real . " I don 't think he gets that I don 't care that it 's not real . I am sure most people know that it 's not real . He will point out very odd things , like a character that puts the radio on the wrong side of her uniform , or a detective who gets a clue from a sandwich . It 's called entertainment . I wonder if Doctors do that with shows about Doctors too . " That symptom does not apply to this diagnosis . " Or if Doctors try to find out what is wrong with a patient before Dr . House gets it . No one ever says that the Simpsons are wrong because the people are yellow in that show . I mean we get that it 's just for fun . But with Cop shows there seems to be some issues . He has to make a point that they are wrong . I think I am going to make a show for moms and see how many mothers say " That 's not how you make a PB & J ! " Image via WikipediaI dislike the big city pools . I never was one to like them , even as a kid . But now that I have kids I find that I must drag them down at least once during the summer , they are young so once is still good . I am going to be sad the year they are at that age where they want to go all the time , yet I still have to be there . I think we might move that summer , to some place with no pool . But we went today . And I was having an okay time . Alright , it was a good time . Rae and I were near the edge where it has what 's called a zero entry , so it 's all safe and stuff . She loves it , I didn 't have to stress about her . Dino wanted to do the slides so T - rex would take her over there and I would watch Rae act like a fish and Lilly would try to see as far as she could go out before getting afraid . Great times . Everyone was having fun and happy , well , almost everyone . One dad must have had too much coffee , or something . His son was about 8 or so , and wanted to do the slides . Dad said sure , I will be right over here . Dad then starts to look at hot girls in little clothes . Great Dad ! The son goes down the slide and hits the water going under for just a minute . The boy then starts to yell " HELP " . He was clearly afraid . Now it 's clear that this boy is fine , he is above the water , and if my 5 year old can go down the slide a million times with no issue , ( she can 't swim but can walk to the wall ) then this boy can . But he is a little freaked out . Panic was in his eyes . The whole time Dad is too far away to really help and the lifeguard is just sitting there , I mean this guy didn 't even move , lean in to talk to the boy , or nothing the lifeguard just sat there . Well that got dads attention . Dad stomps over there and starts to yell at the lifeguard " Hey you A * * F * * * ! Don 't you see that kid yelling for help ? ! " Now at this point part of me is like way to go dad ! The parent in me was very ticked off that the lifeguard didn 't at least wiggle a butt cheek to check on this kid . Then the Cop 's wife in me kYellow I guess the rules are I am to post10 new things about myself , and then pass it on . Well Thank you gals for thinking of me ! Here are 10 new things about myself . 1 . I like the color green . I think it is pretty . It is also a color I can see easily . I cannot see orange and yellow really well . 2 . I am anti - politically correct . But I do respect people . For instance my VCR is retarded not a person . I tend to upset people with my avoidance of P . C . things . I don 't tend to care . When people were trying to be P . C . and call my daughter slow I secretly wanted to punch them in the face . She was / is just who she was / is and there is nothing wrong with that . No labels are needed . 3 . I am an open book . I have nothing to hide , other than who I am online ; ) I spent years of my life literally hiding , and I don 't ever want to go back to that . I tend to tell friends and family what I think , ( as nice as I can ) with little regard to if I should or not . I have a hard time keeping things in anymore . This goes for my children too , who see more and hear more than they should at times . But I don 't think keeping things from them is really the best way to protect them . 4 . I love diet coke . No I NEED diet coke . We say soda , even though no one in my family does . 5 . I knew I was going to marry T - rex long before we started to date . 6 . My Dad was and is the best dad in the world . I still live in that place where he is superman . I don 't know if I will ever fully get out of that place . I do see his faults , and the things I want to change , but no matter of that he was still the best dad I could have growing up . I secretly still want his approval and praise in everything . 7 . My family , outside of my parents and sisters , consist of nuts and evil . I avoid them . 8 . I call my mom every day . She really is a best friend in so many ways . Yet still a mom . I don 't know how she is able to find the balance but I love it . Our fights are bad , but they are so few . I guess best friends are bound to fight some . But a mom and daughter will always work things ouPosted by For some reason the house is only clean when T - rex is gone . House work gets done so much faster when he is working . I am not sure why this is , but I do have a theory . I think the house stays clean when he is gone because he is not here to make a mess ! ! T - rex thinks that when he is gone I am so bored that I just clean nonstop for something to do . I think when he is home he gets in my way and distracts me with silly requests to watch random videos . He thinks I get lazy when he is home . I am not really sure why the house is only clean when T - rex is at work . I do however know some days it is worth him working overtime so I can see the floor . Image by Becky F via Flickr Posted by School supply shopping brings back good memories from my childhood . Or at least it did until last year . When I was a kid my mom would save up all summer to take us shopping , we would go out about a week before school started and just get everything . We would get new cloths , lots of new cloths , and pens , paper , markers , and glue . It was an all girl thing , and we loved it ! Last year was Lilly 's first year of school . For kindergarten they had a very long list of stuff to get . Mostly there were large quantities of glue on the list . This would not be an issue , if it were not for Dino and Lilly being as they are . They are only 14 months apart , which means they are best friends and worst enemies at the same time . So , it started with a little fight , and ended with a mess . Dino talks a lot , and this bugs Lilly . Lilly likes things peaceful , Dino likes the action ! The differences there start many fights in our house . I truly wish I could have been in the room when this was going on . But , no , I had to shower . So I cannot tell you the thinking that leads to this . I can 't imagine what went down in Lilly 's room to end like it did . I just know that when I came out of the shower I quickly turned around to go back in . Lilly had taken it upon herself to GLUE Dino to the wall . There was my middle child with glue all over hair , back , legs , and arms . She was pushed against the wall , which was also covered in school glue . Lilly was holding her down trying to get her to stick . I am sure a heat lamp and fan were coming next to get the glue to dry and Dino to stick forever . Once I was able to stop laughing . I asked Lilly why she glued her sister to the wall . She replied " Dino was talking too much and bugging me , we don 't have a jail . " Ah , but why GLUE ? I don 't think I will ever fully understand . Now it is time to go school shopping again , this year both of them are in school and I need a total of 10 different glue things . The stress is kicking in already . I feel for the teachers this year , and the little boy who is crushingYellow WARNING : ADULT LANGUAGE , AFTER ALL T - REX IS A COP ! ! So , this weekend was my little sister 's wedding . It was a great wedding . She looked just wow ! The girls were flower girls , and they looked so cute . T - rex got to kidnap her at the reception , and they had a great time going to McDonalds out of all places , to get a drink and talk . I think for T - rex he needed to do that because that was his little sister . Part of him just wanted to check in on his little sister . Those two are good friends , which might be odd but T - rex and I got married when she was still in high school and he always treated her like his little sister . And he thought it would be fun to stress the groom out a little ! That 's my husband ! The wedding was great ; everyone had a really good time . But it was late . We had to drive two hours to get back home . Add in kids and we really had to drive like 3 hours and we didn 't get out on the road until about 11 : 30 our time ( Yeah add in a time change too ) . What happened on the way home was just meant to be , karma , or a God thing . Just how in the word everything fell into place is beyond me . This is a small town , my home town , so I tend to let my guard down . We opted to stop and get gas before getting a bite to eat because our gas gauge has been acting up , and I wanted to make sure we would have enough money , and gas for the rest of our long trip home . After getting gas we discussed where to go to get a quick cheap bite to eat . We almost stopped at McDonalds just because we know the dollar menu keeps the kids happy . I argued my way into Wendy 's which we thought was closed . It was open and T - rex started to order his food . Then this guy comes up and says " I am just closing your gas lid boss . " First any guy who says " boss " kind of freaks me out . Maybe I heard him wrong , but I really don 't think I did . It stuck with me that he said " boss . " Well T - rex being how he is says thank you and then checks this guy out as he leaves . All of a sudden T - rex yells " That son of a bitch ! " Then he goes to unbuckle himself , which just so happens to be the side where T - rex usually keeps his gun . It 's dark and late , and I see T - rex yell and go for his gun . As T - rex is getting out of the car this guy turns around and starts to walk to T - rex yelling something like " Well Mother Fucker ! " Panic started to set in , and I had no clue what was going on . What did this guy do ? Was T - rex going to shoot him ? Do I pull over into the driver side and drive away ? Do I hide the kids ? How am I going to hide the kids ? I don 't think I have ever been more afraid in my life . Then this guy gives T - rex a hug . They sit there with dumb smiles on their faces , and a round of " Hey man ! Wow ! What are you doing here ? " goes about . Turns out this guy was an old friend of T - rex 's back in high school . They hadn 't seen each other in at least 7 years . I remember the guy a little from high school . He was much older , and I always thought he was kind of full of himself . But T - rex and he seem to be good friends . And all that is nice , I would love to be happy for T - rex , but I am still trying to get my heart to stop ! Really do all guys greet each other like that ? And what with the swears ? It really sounded like T - rex was mad that the guy did something to the car ! I don 't know what I thought this guy did . . . but he must have been a bad guy . Well , that is how it sounded when T - rex went off like he did . I think the swears must be a cop / military / guy thing . Whenever T - rex 's brother Joe calls , they answer the phone with a stream of swears . I fear for the kids when Joe calls ! Well I am happy that T - rex got to see an old friend . I think it is great , and everything had to fall into place just right for that to happen . I am happy it did , I Posted by T - rex really loves to stress people out . I mean that is the only clear explanation for doing what he did . Like things are not hard enough right now , he has to add to the stress ! My mom says I have a habit of hanging up on people when I am mad at them . Well now that I have a clear head I can say she might be right about that . I guess I will work on that . What was he thinking ? Really ! He needed to tell me that . I have had a very good system going here ! I ignore any real danger he might be in , and tell the psychologist in me to shut up . She listens well enough and I go on blind to any danger that our cops are in . I am sure this is not a very healthy way of coping with things , but I think it 's working well enough for now . T - rex being as he is says I am sheep . ( Check out the books by LT . Col . Dave Grossman to find out what that means ) He thinks that I need to be less like a sheep and more like a sheep dog . I try to tell him dogs smell funny . He does not seem to care . To T - rex it is better to know all the evils of the world and face them . To me if I did that every day I would die of worry . I know that there are risks with his job . I get that every day is a risk for him and all our officers . But I cannot stop living my life out of the fear he might . So to him I say " baa baa . " The real pain is how he always has to share this mortality news at the worst time . Like after a night of bad dreams , or reading about an officer who gave up his life trying to save another . I guess his timing will always be bad . But I love him so what am I to do ? I think I will just call him back and tell him he better not got shot with his own gun , or I will be really mad . Posted by 1 . Enjoy taking uniform off husband . Actually , just think you will enjoy taking uniform off husband . The stink and sweat make the uniform unpleasant to touch , when it is off there is an even nastier vest and undershirt on . 2 . Tell husband to put uniform in the hamper . 3 . Husband gets uniform in hamper but puts vest and undershirt on bed . 4 . Yell at husband for putting vest and undershirt on bed ! ( see how to wash a Kevlar vest and stinky undershirt ) 5 . Notice husband did not take off all the " brass " so spend about 10 minutes messing with that . Poke your little finger , and yell at husband for forgetting to take the " metal poky things " off . 6 . Wash uniform according to directions ; add a little more detergent because it was so close to stink vest and undershirt . 7 . Dry uniform according to directions . 8 . Spend 20 minutes looking for iron that you never use anymore . 9 . Question the intelligence at the office . " Everything is ' wash and wear ' any more , these guys are in the stone age ! " 10 . Spend 15 minutes getting all the wrinkles out . 11 . Admire your work , and go brag to husband about it . 12 . When husband remarks that it needs the little lines ironed down the legs throw uniform at his face . 13 . Husband , now a cop , and master of verbal judo , makes you feel guilty and determined to get it right . The usage of " Mark 's wife . . . . . " is enough to make you want to stab him , but you are better than Mark 's wife so off you go to try again ! 16 . Give up and take uniform to the cleaners so they can " press " it . Spend a few minutes daydreaming about what " pressing " a uniform means . I , personally , am sure they have a thing the size of a bed that smashes the uniform into shape . I don 't want one , so I should take the uniform to a place where they already have one . 17 . Sneak out back door so husband does not see you are not like " Mark 's wife " 19 . Show Husband clean and pressed uniform . Take all the credit , and ask if he thinks you are better than " Mark 's wife " now ! When he says " yes babe , Mark 's wife takes his down to the cleaner " and starts to laugh avoid dumping coffee on him , but it is okay to throw uniform at his face again . 20 . Write a random letter to the office ever day saying how the cops look stupid in their dressy uniforms , even though secretly you think nothing is hotter than a cop in uniform . Recommend all the cops go to " wash and wear " uniforms , also called soft uniforms . A polo shirt would be just fine . 21 . Mail said letters from the store where you are going to stock up on massive amounts of starch . Who cares if your husband can 't move ? The lines down the legs are never coming out ! Why , yes I do ! T - rex came home for the weekend and noticed the kids were watching some movie made in the 80s about a unicorn , it 's called " The Last Unicorn " if you really want to look it up . Anyway it has a wizard ( which I am not too giddy about ) some unicorns and other things , the wizard turns the unicorn into a naked girl ( You don 't see anything ) and then some other stuff happens , I don 't think I have ever actually seen the whole thing in order . We got it from my best friend , she loved it as a kid , and that was good enough for me . Okay I did check to make sure it wasn 't rated R first ! And that it wasn 't going to be anything too bad . It 's not . At least I don 't think it is bad for a few 5 year old girls . But , T - rex nearly flipped out ! I guess there is a part where a tree turns into an old woman , and the wizard boy gets stuck in her , um , chest . The " woman " is still a tree . So the , um , chest is still wood . Oh gosh that might be bad ! Anyway it 's a dumb cartoon , and the kids like it . It reminded me of the old cartoons I would watch with my dad . Now I can already see him turning red . Sorry Dad ! ! ! We would watch bugs bunny and stuff all the time . I would sit there and laugh at the right times , my dad on the other hand would laugh at the wrong times . I didn 't really understand this as a kid . When I got older and watched some of the cartoons we would watch together I got it . They add a lot of grownup humor to those things ! I think they did it just so the grownups could stomach them . Now the cartoons are so boring ! It is all little puffy pink things playing nice and talking about " going green " or " being nice . " So bad for kids I think . Whatever happened to the good old days ? The days when the roadrunner got away , speedy shot something , and the cat got the tar beaten out of him for eating the bird . People must of gotten all worried about a horse turning into a girl , no duh she didn 't have clothes on she was a horse two seconds ago ! The kids don 't even notice it , it 's not wrong in theiYellow T - rex calls , and calls , and calls . From the first time we went out until I die that boy will call me every day . And it 's nice ; don 't get me wrong , I love talking to him . He has a sexy phone voice . Right now with him being gone so much it is really nice to get to talk to him . It 's all we have anymore . However , he has the timing of a . . . . a thing with really bad timing ! When we were dating he would call during dinner , almost every night . I think he is rubbing off on me , now I call my mom when she is doing her hair , every time . Middle of the afternoon she is at the salon getting her hair done ! I think she spends way too much time on her hair . Anyway , so I am trying to cook , clean , get the kids in bed , whatever it is and he calls . But he does not call just once nope , I cut him off the first time so he calls back in 30 minutes thinking I am done ; only now I am not done . So this cycle goes on for about 3 hours . The other night was one such night . Maybe I was moody ; I am a girl it happens ! Maybe I was stressed , it was bedtime . Maybe , just maybe , he was bugging me ! As I was putting Lilly to bed the phone rang . I knew it was T - rex , and I just lost it . I threw the stuffed animal I was holding against the wall and stormed out to get the phone . It was T - rex calling to tell me he missed me and he loved me . I started to feel bad for getting so annoyed with him . We said goodbye and I sulked back to Lilly 's room . I told her I was sorry for throwing the stuffed animal , and that it was really bad of me to do that . We don 't throw things when we are mad . I also told her that her dad made me frustrated when he calls so much at bed time . And then Lilly let me have it . " But mom ! He misses you ! Daddy loves you so much . And it is okay you threw the stuffed animal , we all get frustrated , but please pick it up . Thank you for saying sorry . Just , mom , I miss Daddy too . " My 6 year old has some psychology skills going on . She was so cute being so grown up . More than anything she was right . I think I get mad because I spend almost all day sitting near the phone waiting for T - rex to call . His timing has not changed , the minute I do something he calls . I guess I get mad because I miss him too . So , Lilly made me feel like dirt , and we called T - rex back . He said he understands . I am happy him and the 6 year old get it , because I sure don 't ! Posted by I will never ever commit a crime as long as I live . For no other reason than I don 't ever want to be interrogated . How stressful that must be for people . T - rex is learning about interrogation right now . So like any good student he had to try it out , and like any good wife , I gave myself up for the name of education ! He thought it would be simple for him to try out some of his skills , and see the " suspect 's " reactions . So I was told to take something off the top of the table and go sit outside . He would then find out what I took and try to get me to say why I took it and where I put it . I took a voice recorder and put it under the couch . I thought I was being smart ! He came back out in like 2 seconds and started the interview part . I could not stop giggling . T - rex : " Mrs . Rex , do you know why you were called down here ? " Me : All giggles . " Um , no " I could not help but giggle the whole time . T - rex said I did that because I was nervous . I guess I was a little . Then he started in on the real interrogation part of things , and the giggles kind of stopped . But my hands started to fidget . T - rex says that is what guilty people do to avoid facing what 's going on . I think that is what anyone does when being drilled a million questions , and accused of doing something bad . I stopped looking at him when he told me he KNEW I took it . I knew he knew but , it made me more nervous . He started to move in and I tried to pull away . I was ready to crack just to get him to stop . I did , even after all my brave front with the funny nick name and attitude at the start I caved in and told him everything ! It was just a game ! Nothing bad was going to happen to me . I knew he already knew what I took , there wasn 't that much stuff on the table , he knew it was me . The whole point was for me to do something and him ask questions . Why did I cave in so easy ? I think he is going to be a good interviewer / interrogator . I just hope he never asks how much my shoes cost . I have a feeling he is going to use his new skills to his advantage around Christmas time . Related articles by ZemantaInterrogation Verses an Interview / skills Involved ( socyberty . com ) Bed ! That 's right , ammo in the bed . I am still lucky there is no ammo in the dryer . However , you cannot really say finding ammo in the bed is lucky . There I was ready to fall asleep when I rolled over to get poked in the butt . Part of me wanted to think something fun was going to come out of this , but T - rex is gone . Then I thought the kids left toys on the bed . No , it was not the kids . It was T - rex , which is just as bad as if it were one of the kids . There on the bed was a . 223 round . I am not sure what a . 223 round really is , but it goes in a big gun with some letters and a number . If you know what it is please don 't bother explaining it to me , I will just play cartoons in my head . I have already lost 34 . 5 hours this year watching cartoons when T - rex tries to explain gun stuff to me . I am sure some of it is sticking , as I know this round is a . 223 . I was getting ready to call him and yell at him for not putting ammo up , but thought better of it and I decided I would yell at him the next day . Well , it 's a good thing I waited . The next morning I went to get my earrings when five . 22 rounds fell out of my jewelry box . They were mine . I felt almost bad for wanting to give T - rex an ear full . But my rounds never poked him in the butt ! I do know what a . 22 is . I have an old riffle that my dad gave me . It 's the first and only gun I have ever really shot . The sights are bent , as they have been from the time I got it . T - rex says he wants to fix them . I don 't want him too , I am afraid if he does I will not know how to shoot my gun ! I am a fairly good shot with that gun too . I tilt it slightly to the right , aim with both eyes open , and fire . I can get a good head shot off where T - rex practices for qualifications . He is always trying to teach me how to shoot the " right " way . I guess he thinks he needs to show me how to do it right because near the end of the day my paper is covered in holes . The only ones I even count are the ones I tried to aim with . Two in the chest and one to the head , all the other ones are from me just smelling gun powder . I love that smell . And with . 22 I can afford to just play around . With a single shot I don 't have time to aim . Or at least that 's what I tell myself . I don 't want to learn about guns , or how to shoot . I like what I have going here with the old gun my dad gave me . And if I did leave the ammo from my gun on the bed it would not poke anyone in the butt . Please note that this is just a general outline . You may find you can skip a few steps , or you may need to add a few more . For instance you . . . I am a Police Wife I have an issue , and I see that it is only my issue . You see I am a Police officer 's wife . I don 't have sympathy f . . . 1 . He actually uses sick time ! 2 . He turns off his radio , and cell phone 3 . When sirens go off he doesn 't care 4 . . . . |
Yes , yoga class . I haven 't been to class in two years and I 'm really not sure why I stopped . I was pretty hard core , devoted , three - times - a - week - addicted for about four years . I needed it to ride my Friesian ; his huge gaits required way more flexibility , balance and core strength than I had from just doing barn chores . So , I want to start regular yoga practice again , I want to breathe into all my tight joints . I want to breathe into tree pose - which I NEVER mastered . You would think standing on one foot could be easily accomplished but I seem to have completely lost my sense of balance . Now that I 've passed the 50 year old mark , the gimpy factor is kicking in more and more . I 'm hoping yoga will help counteract that a little . I want to breathe effectively when I ride . In addition to breathing calm and confidence at shows , I want to breathe into my half halts , deep into my seat , and into my legs softly draping against Jackson . I don 't think I 'm breathing in this picture : I want to breathe deeply and fill my senses with horse aroma . Jackson smells wonderful ( when he 's clean ) . I am going to bury my nose in his neck and inhale . Work is stressful ( as always ) . There will be lots of changes this year . My boss ( a great lady and a great boss ) is retiring . I 'm kinda nervous about who our CEO will recruit for her position . Okay , I 'm a lot nervous about it . Breathe . I am going to breathe in home and hearth . I will fill my lungs with clean mountain air , the aroma of herbs crushed between my fingers , roses and carnations . In the kitchen , I will pay attention to the yeasty smell of bread in the oven , the play of spices in the saute pan , and ribs on the BBQ . When I feel tense , distracted or annoyed I will breathe deep and find a place of acceptance and tolerance . I will breathe in the holy and exhale the . . . unholy . Substitute whatever word comes to mind . They all fit . And , lastly , I will breathe in the love of my family . I will sigh and snuggle deeper into my husband 's arms . I will laugh with my daughter , gasping for breath and snorting like a pig . I will breathe and release , breathe and release , my son as he continues his journey into adulthood , independence and life away from home . We didn 't get any snow but boy was it freezing this morning - 21 which is brrrr cold for us . There was ice everywhere , the pipes in the barn were frozen , etc . The frost was beautiful though . With all the moisture that moved through yesterday there was lots of water around to freeze . Jackson had made a mess of his stall . He normally keeps it clean and poops in his turnout . We brought the horses into the barn last night due to the rain / snow in the forecast . Jackson will stand in the rain with Kalvin , even during cold storms , if his gate is open to the pasture . Otherwise , he stays in his stall and won 't go out into his run - out to poop in the rain . When it isn 't raining , he keeps his stall spotless . Go figure . We closed the gates last night so this morning I was mucking out the royal mess he made of his stall . He was busy eating his morning bucket . I asked him to move over by gently poking him on his flank . He knows the cue . But instead of moving over , he pinned his ears and crow hopped . It took me a minute to realize that he thought I was going to take off his warm blanket - since the poke was in the same general area as the back buckle . Silly boy ! He LOVES his blanket . Last spring I had to take it off early one morning before going to work since I knew it was going to be a nice day - - cold morning , warm day - - and I didn 't want him sweating all afternoon until I got home . So , it was still chilly when I took it off . While I was undoing the last buckle , he pinned his ears , whipped his head around and BIT ME ! ! Of course I understand his obsession with warmth . I 'm here on the couch with a fleecy sweatshirt , Uggs and an afghan . Since it was stormy and cold today , I decided to try making a recipe from my new French cookbook for dinner . I thought pot roast was a good pick given the weather . I started it last night since it had to marinate in red wine , veggies , and herbs overnight . One rump roast , one bottle of red wine , carrots , onions and herbs snipped from the garden ( thyme , parsley , bay leaf and rosemary ) . This afternoon I popped it into the oven and then started making dinner rolls . I love making bread ; there 's something so satisfying about the process of kneading the dough and having it transform from a shaggy mass into a smooth , silky and springy dough . I experimented with different shapes : cloverleaf , fan , parker house , knot . . . and ended up with a pretty basket of bread . Just when things had almost dried out enough for me to switch from muck boots to tennies , another storm is due . When I mucked this morning the only gooshy sloppy spots were in Jackson 's turnout and Kalvin 's paddock . Kalvin doesn 't help matters . He pees right by the gate so it 's a wet trampled mess there . I can 't even get the cart through . Then when I manage to rake a pile of manure , before I can pick it up he comes and stands on top of it . He breathes on my face and begs for kisses . It takes forever to muck his area because I , for one , can 't resist kissing his velvet nose . This next storm is our first cold one . The heavy storms we 've had so far have been what we call a Pineapple Express . They are subtropical , from the Pacific , with lots of moisture but not cold . The one arriving tonight is coming in from Canada or Alaska . We actually have snow in the forecast although it isn 't clear whether the temperature will drop low enough before the rain stops . Camille is up here " just in case . " Kyle figured a 40 % chance of snow wasn 't good enough odds to come up . These college kids - living their own lives . The nerve ! This morning , I filled the dumpster with rose prunings . Kersey dragged some pieces away to play with . I can 't imagine that the thorny rose bush felt good in her mouth . When the dumpster was filled to the top , I stopped . Three done ; including the man - eating rose and the climbing rose on the arbor into my vegetable garden . And I thought about stuff . . . goals for Jackson and I next year , whether I should continue with French lessons , what to eat for lunch . After feeding the horses lunch ( and eating mine ) , Kersey and I went for a walk . We need to work on her leash manners . She did much better today ; not too much tugging , not too much underfoot sudden changes of direction , and better sit . And , of course , I thought some more while we were walking . I 'd like to show Jackson next year and have him be relaxed in the dressage court . Schooling is going well and I 'm pleased with our progress so no specific goals there . Shows are a different story - and I guess it holds for competitive trail rides as well . He gets nervous and prancy and resistant . I need to take deep breaths , sit deep , and be the conduit of calm . Hmmmm , good goal for me as well . After our walk , I schooled Jackson . We started with a long warm up on the bridle paths and then did some review in the arena . The arena is not huge - - small court size - - and one third of it is still puddles so our working area was limited . It took a few minutes for him to remember bend and relax , but it came back quicker than the last après rain review . He picked up the correct lead , both directions , first try . So , I washed his tail and put on one of the pretty tail bags I got for Christmas , gave him his apple and thought some more . I 'm still mulling the French thing around . I love the language and I want to speak it well . I can communicate pretty well , I just need to fine tune grammar . Or do I ? I 'm not sure I need to have perfect French or if it 's even attainable without living there . I read books and magazines in French , I listen to CDs , and I email my French friend . It 's hard for me to find the time for classes , it 's expensive , and it is stressful ( mostly because I don 't study enough ) . I really like my teacher , though . I 'll have to ponder on this one some more . . . Late this morning I looked down to the pasture , as I do periodically , to check on the horses . Jackson was rolling on the hill between the barn and Kalvin 's paddock . Unfortunately , for him , he got stuck . His head was facing downhill and his legs were uphill . He couldn 't get up . He kept trying to hoist himself up , uphill , against gravity . After a number of tries , he quit and just lay in the mud . He looked resigned . I know he can roll all the way over and it would have been easy to do since that would be rolling downhill . But no , after resting awhile , he gathered all his equine strength and gave it another heave - ho . Amazingly , he got himself up . He stood there for a few minutes licking and chewing . I 'm sure he was telling the hill " okay , I give . No more upside down rolling . " That got me thinking about how many times we get ourselves upside down and backwards on hills . We struggle and struggle and still we stay stuck . How much easier would it be to relax and just roll down hill a little . Even if we have to admit defeat to the hill . For me , that 's the hard part . I don 't like being powerless , or stuck , or admitting defeat . Posted by Christmas was quiet this year . The kids left mid - morning for their dad 's . Brett left after lunch for work . I had planned to ride Jackson before the rain hits tonight ( yes , another storm ) but I couldn 't muster the energy . I was suffering the after effects of too much Christmas cheer last night . So , I washed Jackson 's tail and then free lunged him in the arena . He was tracking under nicely at the trot and picking up the correct lead ( most of the time ) at canter . I was also impressed with his canter - halt transitions . He would canter to the far end of the arena , halt , and quickly drop his neck to pick up a tasty leaf . Then he was off again . Brett filled my stocking with beautiful tail bags for Jackson . They feel like velvet and the colors are beautiful . I 'm afraid to use them for everyday , roll - in - the - mud , use . Maybe for lessons ? After braiding Jackson 's tail and putting on an old ugly tail wrap , I took Kersey for a walk around the block . It was quiet with just a slight bit of chill in the air . In past years , Christmas Day has been filled with the sound of kids racing around on their new dirt bikes . Not this year , it was just the sound of our footsteps on the bridle path . We walked over to the community pond and Kersey splashed around for awhile . She went in up to her belly , which isn 't really very deep since her legs are so short , and she flirted with the idea of swimming . When we got home , I did the barn chores . All the horses got extra carrots today and the dogs each got a bone from last night 's prime rib . I 'm going to curl up on the couch with my new french cookbook - - or maybe the book of 2010 dressage tests - - and dream . This morning Brett left early ( 4 : 30am ) for work . The dogs and I got up a couple hours later and I let them out to run around while I did the barn chores . When I finished , they didn 't come running for breakfast ( the usual routine ) and I couldn 't find them anywhere . That 's when I noticed that the automatic gate was stuck wide open . Uh , oh . Sedona was adopted by us when she was about 8 months old . She was a stray before that and has never gotten wanderlust out of her system . If she gets out ( the property is fenced ) , she is gone for up to 8 hours . I was pretty sure Sedona would be back , eventually , but the puppy is still a baby and Sedona is getting really gimpy . It 's hard for her to walk and stand up . What if she fell in a gully and couldn 't get out ? My mind came up with all sorts of awful scenarios . I walked over to the big community pond thinking they might be playing in the water . Nope . Kyle and Camille walked around the entire community with no luck . At noontime , we still had no dogs . It was hard to feel the joy of Christmas . I went down to the barn and rode Jackson but my mind was elsewhere . At 2 : 00 , Camille asked me to drive her around one more time to look . As we rounded a corner she broke into excited cries - - she saw them across a field ! I pulled onto the bridle path and we jumped out . The puppy broke into barks of happiness and bounded over to us . It looked like a dog food commercial the way she was leaping through the grass . Sedona followed at a more dignified pace . We came home , turned on the Christmas music and I started working on Christmas dinner . Brett 's son and his wife came up from San Diego for Christmas dinner . We feasted on prime rib , drank a wonderful Bordeaux , and laughed . I feel like Santa already came : my puppy is home , Sedona is too , and dinner was a feast of love as much as a feast of food . The best ! Camille had a couple of friends up to visit . They arrived Tuesday as the storm hit and I took them back home today . The highway down the mountain was closed in both directions yesterday so I teased them that they might have to spend Christmas here . Luckily , the highway opened to residents on the desert side this morning so I was able to take them home . They had a good time here , despite the weather . Yesterday , they put Kersey on a leash and set forth in the rain . The storm came in while they were out walking and I worried a bit when the hail started . They made it home safe , sopping wet , laughing and ready for hot cocoa . Unfortunately , we were completely out of milk ( and cream and bread ) so they had to make do with coffee . I guess I wasn 't very well prepared for the road closure . I bought a huge jug of milk today and enough bread to feed an army . I 'm ready for the next storm . It 's supposed to hit on Wednesday . Sunshine tomorrow and Christmas Day - yes ! ! I 'll have to dash down to the barn between Christmas dinner prep and sneak in a ride . I wish all of you a wonderful Christmas ! Eat , drink , be merry and kiss your horse - - and whoever it is that makes your soul sing . Last night the wind howled around the house . The first four days of this storm have brought a lot of rain , but it has been steady , straight down to the ground , peaceful rain . Last night it changed to a storm with high winds , blowing fog , and driving rain . It was ugly . Even the dogs didn 't want to get up this morning . We all looked out the windows , yawned , and snuggled deeper into our beds . Kersey , who is usually begging to go out at daybreak , just stretched out on her bed and snoozed . We did finally get up and make our way to the barn . The first thing I did was look for downed trees . None ! Even Camille 's pine tree was standing which is a miracle for sure . A number of summers ago , I was working in one of the flower beds and came across a pine tree seedling . It was a volunteer tree , planted by one of the many birds on the ranch . The flower bed was too small and too close to the house to handle a tree so I yanked it out and put it in my pile of weeds . Camille was with me , looking for worms to give to the chickens . She was . . . appalled . I was going to kill a pine tree ! How could I do that ? ? ! She decided to save the poor little tree ( no bigger than a weed , at the time ) . I told her that the tree would most likely die given our hot , dry summers and the fact that I had yanked it from the ground . She was determined . We found a sheltered area next to the arena . It was amongst some boulders and lower than the orchard so water would flow down to the tree . We have sprinklers to wet the sand in the arena and I thought the tree might catch some drift from those as well . Camille planted the tree and carried water to it all summer long . The thing lived . That winter , the rain fell , the wind blew , and the tree fell over . Multiple times . Camille and I stood in the rain and pushed it upright . Brett pounded in a tall stake but it just pulled that over too . Finally , I propped up a piece of wood under some branches and that has held it up pretty well . In 2009 , Camille 's pet bunny died . She was heartbroken . Santa brought her Oreo the first Christmas we were up here . He was her first pet and she showed him in 4 - H until he got too big . He was a very sweet , friendly bunny and he lived seven or eight years ( Camille would know for sure ) . She buried him under her pine tree . So this morning I was very happy to see that the tree was still standing upright . And I think it makes a very pretty addition to that corner of the arena . I 'm really glad that she saved that tree . Do not collect eggs on the way to the barn and leave them in the pocket of your jacket while you do chores . Upon returning to the house , you will have scrambled eggs in your pocket . And you will have to do another load of laundry so you can wear your jacket in the morning . sigh Flash was staying nice and dry in his stall . He was a very good boy this morning when I flushed his wound with saline . I had expected him to be difficult but he was an angel . I showed him the syringe with the saline and explained what I was going to do . He stood quietly through the whole thing . I love how horses understand when you are helping them . So , he was good for the saline rinse but he saw me coming with the camera and hightailed it outside into his turnout . Silly boy - You can see his distrust of the camera in this picture . The donkeys , Tuffy & Finessa , just wanted me to get on with the business of giving them lunch . When I started getting the hay out , Jackson came back into the barn . He loves hay more than just about anything . I checked on the bunnies on my way back to the house . One of the girls and Rocky were in the hutch . The other girl ( Sage ? Basil ? I can 't tell them apart anymore ) was on the hutch roof . I think they are monkey rabbits . . . Other than the one tree that fell , the property is holding up well . You can see that the arena is under water at one end in this picture , but it could be a lot worse . And it is pretty . . . I love the sound of the rain and how fresh everything smells . Time to go back in the house . There is a nice deep puddle by the door . It 's perfect for rinsing the mud off of my wellies . Then I put my gloves by the wood stove to dry , threw on some more wood , and went to look for my lunch . Christmas cookies ? Toffee ? More coffee ? Wishing everyone a warm , dry , peaceful day . This is craziness , this rain . We have been getting close to 3 inches per day , yesterday and today ( and forcast for tomorrow and Wednesday too ) . Our normal rainfall for a year is about 11 inches so we have gotten half of our normal rainfall in two days . We are not set up for this in Southern California . Our soil doesn 't know how to absorb large amounts of rain so it runs off and causes flooding . I left work early so I wouldn 't have to drive the mountain in the dark . The freeways were flooded with bits of palm branches scattered here and there and rivers of water where the slow lane is supposed to be . The road from the freeway to the mountain was under water in spots - - the run off from the mountain was making its way to Lake Elsinore and not taking the storm drain route . The highway up the mountain wasn 't too bad . There were snow plows out patrolling to clear the rocks and mud . But the fun really started when I turned down the road leading to our community . The mountains in which we live are coastal . To the east is the desert and the lake ( which is really a man made resevoir ) . To the west is the ocean . The road to our community hugs the ridge . At night , you can see the city lights on one side , their reflection twinkling off the lake . On the other side , if you look at just the right time , you can see the blue of the Pacific through the mountain pass . Its a beautiful drive . Tonight , I couldn 't see the lake or the ocean . All I could see was water . There was so much water on the road that it looked like the surface of the ocean as the wind blew it across the asphalt . The wind was fierce and my poor little car was buffeted as the gusts screamed over the ridge . There were rocks and boulders in the mud that flowed across from where the road is cut into the side of the mountain . There was even a waterfall in one spot . A waterfall ! My fingers were sore from gripping the wheel when I made it to the gate of our community . So far , the only casualty on our property is one tree that fell . The wind is howling around the house and there is the constant sound of rain hitting the windows . This is a subtropical storm so the snow level is high . We won 't get a white Christmas out of this - - just a huge mess . Brett just called me from the equine hospital . Flash suffered some sort of trauma to his jaw , causing soft tissue damage . There was some grit inside the wound but no piece of tooth or wood or anything that would give us a clue on how he got injured . Silly horses ! It 's pouring rain still . We got just under 3 inches yesterday and it hasn 't let up at all . Brett said it was hard pulling the trailer out with all the mud . And the drive down the mountain was pretty hairy - - mud flows and rocks across the highway . I think he will park the trailer on the gravel driveway when he gets home and leave it there until the rain stops . The trailer parking area is gravel and the driveway is gravel , but the area between the two is dirt . . . errr , mud . Posted by This morning we checked Flash 's mystery injury . It was very oozy and tender . For the first time , he really didn 't like me poking around in that area . He 's still perky and eating and otherwise doing fine . But it is worrisome nonetheless . Brett called the equine hospital and made an appointment for tomorrow . He wanted to take Flash down today but it 's a $ 250 emergency fee on Sundays so he is going to wait until tomorrow . It almost seems like an abscess and we wonder if it is related to the dental work he had done . On the other hand , there isn 't any fever , there wasn 't pain ( until today ) , and it started with a break in the skin followed by swelling and then oozing . I 've only dealt with hoof abscesses before and they seem to build with pain and swelling first , then a big stinky messy eruption and blessed relief . We 'll know what the deal is tomorrow but , in the meantime , I 'm wondering if any of you have ideas . Here 's a picture - - it 's not great . Flash didn 't like the camera - especially when the flash went off in the barn . I ended up standing outside and getting the picture while he was sticking his head outside . Posted by This morning Brett and I were down at the barn doing our chores . The dogs were running around , building up an appetite for breakfast , sticking their noses in squirrel holes , and playing in the puddles . It was raining and cold ; not freezing , but a chilly 45 degrees with a steady rain . Brett was in the barn leaving a message for the vet . Flash got a scrape on his face a few days ago that almost , but not quite , looked like a puncture wound . We 've been cleaning it with Betadine and watching it . This morning it was kind of oozy and swollen and almost felt like there was something inside - - maybe a piece of stick that broke off - - who knows . He doesn 't have a temperature and it isn 't tender but we wanted to check in with our vet anyway . Of course , she isn 't working this weekend and the vet that is taking call didn 't want to make the drive up here . So , we 're continuing on with washing , watching and waiting . But , I digress . Brett was in the barn on the phone and I was in the middle of Kalvin 's paddock , with my head down , mucking . I 'm not sure if I heard a splash over the pinging rain on the metal roof of Kalvin 's run - in shed , but for some reason I looked up and glanced down to the pond . The pond is a huge water trough for the horses at the bottom of the pasture . It 's about 10 feet across and a good 3 feet deep . There are no baby seals that inhabit our pond but that 's what it looked like . There was a blond head swimming around and it looked just like a seal . It took a minute for my brain to register that it was Kersey . We 've taken her out back to the pool a few times and she plays on the top step , batting at leaves . Once or twice she 's fallen ( or been pushed ) off the top step and she swims back but it 's a panicky thing for her . So , I yelled up to the barn and prepared to sprint down and save our precious puppy . Before I could take a step , she nonchalantly jumped out , shook , and trotted off with a doggy grin on her face . We 've never had a lab before so this is quite different . We are used to dogs who tolerate rain and puddles - not ones that jump in the pond in December and go swimming . Posted by We woke up to heavy fog and drizzle this morning . Sometimes living at the top of a mountain range means you are above the clouds and have sunny weather when those below don 't . Other times it means we are sitting smack in the middle of the clouds . That 's us today . There is rain coming in tonight and it 's expected to last through the weekend so Brett and I headed to the barn to ride . I can 't say the idea of riding excited us - it was much cozier in the house by the fire - but we wanted to work the horses before the rain hits . But , there was a problem . Brett couldn 't find Flash 's body brush . Brett rinses the brush every time he uses it and then leaves it on the stump by the wash racks to dry . It was gone . Gone , gone , gone . We knew who took it - - Kersey , our 4 month old yellow lab - has stolen body brushes before . If you forget and leave the tack room door ajar , she will sneak in and grab one out of the nearest tack box . Then she runs around completely and willfully forgetting the command " come " or " drop it . " I 'm not sure if it is the smell or the taste , but she loves a body brush . And you can 't get angry at a face like this : We did find the brush , laying in the dirt , next to the arena . Poor Brett , he loves more than any of us to keep his stuff clean . I think she must know that . She seems to always take his . Don 't tell . . . . I think it 's funny . Tuesdays are bareback days . I don 't have time before work to do the whole groom , tack up , ice down , etc . routine . So , after I finish with the barn chores I just throw a bridle on Jackson and head to the arena . He 's often dirty but I 'm in my jeans and tennis shoes so I don 't care . Why I love riding bareback : It reminds me of my youth . I never rode with a saddle then - - just hopped on the back of the horse I borrowed and went off into the hills . When I slide on Jackson 's back , I immediately lose 30 + years . It 's fast and easy . No bareback pad , no leg wraps , no nothin ' . I can really feel the swing in his back with my seat bones . If I keep my hips lose , my legs are flung around a bit at trot with the movement . That 's good ! It means my hips are lose and I 'm not gripping . I can 't cheat on balance . To stay centered and effective without gripping , I have to be balanced . The minute I lose balance , I hang on the reins . I only lost my balance once today for a nano - second . : ) Bonding . I feel more at one with Jackson when I 'm bareback . I sit deeper , I can feel myself moving with him , we are one in a way we aren 't under saddle . Today , there were a couple crows in the orchard eating the rotton apples that have fallen . I watched them while we were warming up . They would stab the apple with their beak and then fly onto a boulder to eat it . The apples were bigger than their heads so it looked pretty funny . Today is gorgeous . We have a day of summer in December - - teeshirts for us , baths for the horses , naps for the dogs . Tomorrow is supposed to warm as well and then it starts cooling off with rain expected by the weekend . Camille took this picture of the dogs on the patio . Brett and I rode together after breakfast , starting out with a walk on the bridle paths . We went around the block which is about 20 minutes if you march . I was able to keep Jackson on the buckle the entire time and he had happy forward energy . The arena work was hit and miss . His trot work was very consistent and supple . He did great with his leg yields : bent around my leg but straight in his neck , leading ever so slightly with his shoulders , crossing , and not losing forward . Good boy ! In canter , he struggled to get the correct lead . It seemed to be an anticipation problem so I tried giving a strong half halt as I asked and that helped a lot . I could feel him click his brain back on and then get it right . Overall , it was a successful ride . After Jackson was clean and dry and put away , I went back to the house to help Camille make toffee for her chemistry class . I spilled sugar on the stove and Camille dribbled sugar water on the floor but other than that we did pretty well . Brett decided to get out the shop vac and clean the tack room . He came up to the house with blood dripping from his forearm . That man cuts himself open all the time . I covered the cut with a non stick pad and wrapped it up with vet wrap . He said he cut it on the key in the tack room door but couldn 't explain how beyond that . I have to go down the mountain after the kids clean out the rabbit area . The kids are going to their dad 's house and I need to make a quick stop at the mall ( ugh ) . I hate to leave on days like this . I wasn 't sure about riding Jackson today . He 's been squirty in the bowels and sore in the jaw . We buy hay once a month . We don 't have room to store more than that and it is so darned expensive here ( $ 23 per square bale for orchard grass hay ) that we get it in bits throughout the year . Jackson has a sensitive tummy so if the hay changes from month to month in terms of quality it takes him a few days to adjust . This batch was definitely different - - good , just different - - so he was doing the cow plop thing instead of nice and neat balls of green . Then he had his teeth done and , well , I 'll save you the description . Let 's just say I 've been washing his tail and hind legs every day . So , I debated riding . Sometimes , work improves his gut and he was looking at me over the pasture fence with a " lets go " look on his face so I tacked him up and off we went . He was awesome ! He took the bit readily . He was very light , obedient and accepting of the contact . AND , he was balanced and happy happy happy . Me too . We did a lot of trot and canter work . I wanted it to be fun for him since he 's had a crummy few days and it ended up being fun for both of us . I couldn 't believe how little leg I needed in the canter . He wasn 't falling in or out hardly at all . He was pretty darn straight . . . . . and , get this , my boot zipper stayed up ! ! ! I think he must have been really uncomfortable in his mouth and that was translating to resistance and , somehow , his balance . Posted by I haven 't posted before about Kalvin Kline , a Swedish WB , who is boarded here . Kalvin came from the barn of the trainer who worked with me and my Friesian , Auke . We don 't train with her anymore but it was an amicable split and Brett still trailers her clients to shows from time to time . She called us at the end of the summer and said there was a horse at the barn who had injured his front foot and needed a year of pasture rest . He needed enough room to walk around but not so much that he would do more than walk . We have a small paddock that she thought might work . One thing led to another and at the end of August , Kalvin arrived . Kalvin had just started Prix St George work with his young rider and he floated into his paddock . He doesn 't walk or trot like regular horses . His walk is like the one you get after good work - - I call it the panther walk . That 's Kalvin 's normal walk . And he doesn 't trot . He floats . I 'm sure his feet must touch the ground but it sure doesn 't look like it . He 's big and bay and sweet . He supervises us when we muck his area and once in awhile he tries to make a jail break out into the bigger pasture . But , in general he just hangs out and trades wither scratches with Jackson over the pipe corral . When he is insecure , he calls for Flash and Flash walks over and stands near his paddock . They don 't touch - - none of that fussy , affectionate stuff for Flash . When we work in the arena or go on the trail , Kalvin will nicker to us as we leave or come back but is otherwise unconcerned . Today , Brett and I decided not to ride because Flash and Jackson are still a little sore from their dental work . It seemed kinda mean to stick a bit in their mouth when they are sore just eating hay . So , instead we let them graze on the winter grass that has already sprung up with the fall rains . We were still on the property in plain view of Kalvin . So it wasn 't separation anxiety . It had to be pure envy . He went NUTS . He was screaming and cantering around his area , farting and tossing his head . I think there were a couple pirouettes thrown in for good measure . His owner is coming up to visit him this weekend . She usually gives him a bath and does some ground work in the arena . I 'm going to strongly suggest that she also hand graze him - - he clearly was dying for some green grass . Okay , okay . Horses ' teeth are not pearly white . They 're definitely yellow . I haven 't seen equine whitening toothpaste at the tack store yet . Which is not to say I won 't see it one of these days . This is California after all . . . But the vet specializing in dentistry was out this morning to work on Flash and Jackson . This was Jackson 's first full on dentistry appointment . I had our regular vet float him a year ago but hadn 't gotten to this yet . He had a bit of TMJ and his front teeth were really long , hindering his ability to chew . He had a few pointy molars and some sugar deposits ( looks like burnt caramel ) from carrots getting stuck around his teeth . He is also asymmetrical in his mouth which means he is asymmetrical in his body too . I can 't say I was surprised since he is extremely one sided - more than any other horse I 've worked with . I asked about bit seats . After reading a blog recently that questioned their necessity ( since the bit sits on the bars , not the teeth ) , I wondered too . The vet said " bit seat " is a bad name since it isn 't for the bit . Basically , he very lightly rounds the shape of the tooth so it is more comfortable for the tongue . Well , I 'm all for comfort . Bring it on ! Flash didn 't need as much work since he has had pretty regular dentist appointments . They are both in their stalls now , kinda drunk on the sedative . Their jaws will be sore for a few days so they got a shot for pain and we 'll give them some bute tomorrow . I think we 'll soak their pellets and make them a vitamin mash for breakfast tomorrow morning . No carrots for a couple days since they are hard and a bit painful for the jaw . The dentist arrived pulling his exam room behind his truck . Pretty slick ! Here is flash getting the finishing touches on his teeth : Yesterday , I schooled Jackson in the arena after a 10 minute warm up on the bridle paths . We worked our way through everything identified in my last lesson . Jackson only tensed up twice and using turns on the forehand worked well both times . In fact , the second time we were at trot when he started hoping for canter and got high - headed . I brought him to halt and as soon as I put my leg on for the turn on the f / h , he went " Oh . Oops . " and gave immediately . He bent nicely in the corners without losing impulsion and we were straight coming out . I noticed that my boot zipper only comes down on the right boot and it only happens with canter work . I 'm sure this is because he is unbalanced on the right lead canter so it requires pretty strong leg support from me . This is no excuse for the zipper coming down , of course . I should be able to give a strong steady aid with my leg rolled on correctly . I read an article in Dressage Today a long time ago by Courtney King - Dye ( before her accident ) and she said that she picks a letter in the arena and every time she passes it , she checks in with her leg position . I 'm trying to do the same . I check my leg at F for Fail . Hopefully someday it will be F for Fantastic . Today , Brett and I were going to work in the arena together but when we started down the back driveway it was just too beautiful to think about arena work . So , we rode around our community on the bridle paths for about an hour . The horses were happy , the sun was warm , and the sunlight danced in the cottonwoods . I had Jackson work on keeping his back up while marching forward into the contact but I don 't think he realized he was working . When we got back , I washed Jackson 's tail and we turned them out for lunch . Mr . Mike was my first horse . He was a 13 yo OTTB . We were still living in suburbia when I bought him . I was taking lessons at a schooling barn so I could learn to ride correctly . I had access to a horse when I was a teenager but mostly I rode her bareback , racing my best friend and jumping logs . I knew how to stay on and not much else . Mr . Mike was thin and out of shape when I purchased him in 2000 . He was a horrible fit . He was aggressive , bordering on mean - - okay , he was mean without borders . I got dumped , cracked a helmet , and he tried to kick me while I was on the ground . . . you get the picture . I traded him after two years for a little Paint horse named Starman . I was desperate to get rid of him . I think he was an aspiration horse . I thought I wanted to jump . I thought I wanted a hot horse . I was so wrong . I was so not 16 anymore . Starman lived in the stall next to Mr . Mike . He was a lesson horse but he hated it . He wanted to belong to someone . He tried to intimidate the students and was successful , even though he was only 15h . But , we liked each other and I started bringing him treats when I went to the barn . When our trainer offered a swap I took it even though I thought I looked dumb on such a little horse . I had lost all my confidence and for the first time in my life I was scared to ride . Starman , being short , was not scary . Plus he was fat and out of shape and couldn 't even canter . He was safe . We finished building our house that year ( 2002 ) and moved Starman and Flash up to the new barn . Starman tried to learn dressage - but he had been a western show pony in his youth so he never did more than jog the pattern . Here we are at our first show - - first for both of us : Starman wasn 't very brave and he was opinionated . Either he liked you or he didn 't and he never changed his mind . He loved me and he gave me all his heart and all his try . He had a wonderful rocking horse canter . Starman also loved my daughter . When he became too arthritic to carry me comfortably , I gave him to her . She would ride him once in awhile but mostly they just hung out together . This is my favorite picture of them : In 2004 , I bought another aspiration horse . I had regained my confidence , thanks to Starman , and I wanted to be a dressage queen . Brett and I found a 4 yo Friesian that we had to have . Auke was tall , with beautiful conformation , a puppy dog face , perfect gaits and natural rhythm . But we were not compatible . He was an extrovert who thrived on attention . He was arrogant , proud , alpha ( but not mean ) and demanded perfection from his rider . With my trainer , he was poetry in motion . With me , he was total frustration . I learned a lot and I don 't regret the five years spent with him . It was also difficult to take him on the trail . He would spook at little pebbles or lines in the dirt . He would piaffe if I tried to hold him back . . . it was a lot of work and not much fun . In 2009 , I put him in full training at my trainer 's barn . He excelled but it was doggone expensive . I ended up selling him to a young rider in Nebraska with tons of talent and FEI dreams . I hope he takes her there . While Auke was in training , I decided to look for a trail horse . I missed trail riding with Brett and it was clear that Auke wasn 't coming home . He was too talented to be hanging out up in the mountains with us . I found Jackson and fell in love with his soft eye and goofy expression . When I brought him home , he met all my expectations for a trail horse . I can take him anywhere : I started playing with him in the arena , trying to teach him some basic aids . He loved it . He tried his heart out and when I asked him to do something he didn 't know , he threw me everything in his book trying to find the answer . He made me laugh and I realized that he was all I needed . I didn 't need a big fancy Friesian to do dressage . I could teach Jackson and we would have fun . Jackson is my once - in - a - lifetime horse . If he is treated with respect and compassion , he will try anything . He is honest . He never quits . He loves to be pampered . Neither of us likes to be cold . We 're both level headed and quiet . We don 't like being the center of attention , but we have high expectations of ourselves . Like me , he gets cranky and tense if he doesn 't understand something and we are both excessively pleased with ourselves when we get it right . And last , but certainly not least , is Brett 's horse Flash . I bought Flash for Brett in 2002 and they have been inseparable since . I asked Brett to tell me the ways in which they are similar . He said they are both bullies and they are both belligerent . Those aren 't the traits I was going to highlight , but it is true . They are also both playful and they both get bored easily . All the sensory training that they do for mounted patrol suits both of them . They are co - dependent in some ways as well . Until recently , they leaned on each other during dressage training . Brett has learned to be lighter in his hands and Flash has stopped hanging on the reins and falling on his forehand . They do still mess with each other though . Flash is aloof and likes to be left alone . Brett goes into his stall or the pasture and cleans off eye goobers or whatnot . It annoys the heck out of Flash . He gets even though . When Brett works on projects in the pasture , Flash takes the keys out of the tractor ignition or steals tools . Just last week , he dropped Brett 's hammer into the pond . Last night we had rain and this morning was still overcast with the forecast calling for possible morning showers and patchy sun in the afternoon . It was supposed to stay relatively cool all day - in the low 50s . Both Brett and I had leave early for work this morning . I made up their vitamin buckets last night and Brett got up at 4 : 30 this morning to feed . I asked him to take off Jackson 's outer waterproof shell and just leave on the fleece liner . I really love this fleece liner . I got it about a week ago to alternate with a cotton one when the nights are cold but above freezing . It 's royal blue with a belly wrap : the fleece wraps around his belly and then attaches with velcro straps up and across his back . No belly drafts ! And the color looks really sharp against his grey coat . Brett , being the sweet husband that he is , did all the feeding this am so I could sleep until 5 : 30 and just roll out of bed and into my work clothes and out the door . I am not at all functional in the mornings . I don 't talk , I don 't walk very well , and I don 't think . This is one of the reasons I am addicted to coffee . Its probably also why it is good Brett did the early chores . Who knows what I 'd do - - feed the horses chicken feed or something . When I got home tonight ( left in the dark and got back home well after dark - I hate Mondays ) , Brett told me that when he got home and went down to feed in the late afternoon he found Jackson without his liner . It was all wadded up in the mud in his turnout . And it didn 't look like he had undone any of it . Brett didn 't have time to check it for tears so I 'll dig it out of the horse laundry in the morning and see if I can figure out how he escaped . sigh . I just hope it isn 't ripped . One whole week of use . Heavy sigh . Today was my French club meeting . We met in Old Town at a cheese and wine shop . I ordered a wonderful selection of four cheeses - a stinky , a runny , a nutty and a smooth . Ummmmmm . And a glass of zinfandel to wash it down . It also helps my French . I can blabber away to Jackson or the dogs in French and they think I 'm fluent . I 'm a little self - conscious in class although my tutor is very encouraging and says I 'm doing great ( we pay them to say that , right ? ) . But in a group I freeze up . My face gets hot , my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and my vocabulary flies out the window . I 'd much rather sit and listen to everyone else chat and try to follow the conversation . Today two women who were in town to do some wine tasting overheard us talking . They are trying to learn French and recognized the language and so we invited them to join us . I loved it - I wasn 't the only one stumbling over my words and grammar anymore . Brett was called into work so I had to dash home to do barn chores before dark . Halfway home it started to rain . So , I pulled into the garage and changed from my social jeans ( clean ) to my barn jeans ( horse snot , puppy paws ) and brought the horses in . The donkeys were already huddled in the barn . Jackson was pleased as punch to get his blanket and a couple flakes of hay . Flash took one look at his blanket and high - tailed it back outside . He made me trudge down to the middle of the pasture and put it on there . And I swear he was laughing at me . Jackson and I had an excellent lesson today . We started lateral work so we are progressing ! Yippee ! ! Which isn 't to say that there aren 't lots and lots of things for us to work on . . . Lessons learned and homework : 1 . Going sideways away from my inside leg isn 't the best way to get Jackson 's brain and bend back when he resists . Gayle had me stop and immediately do turns on the forehand , to the right , when he locks up . This helps Jackson unlock - - and it helps me keep my eyes up . I was doing my usual eyes on the ground ( bad bad girl ) thing and I got VERY dizzy VERY fast since we had to turn around quite a few time before he gave . So , he learned to come back to me and I learned to keep my eyes up . 2 . When working on straight lines , keep my right leg a tad heavier against his side than my left . This keeps him straight instead of falling in / out - whichever way right happens to be . 3 . Corners : start to bend him a few strides before the corner , hands quiet with steady contact , tempo quick , straighten before leaving the turn . Jackson wants to slow down and be careful in the corner , I want to throw the reins away coming out . Such a pair we are ! 4 . Then the fun stuff . I haven 't done any lateral work with Jackson before . When I got him he couldn 't even walk in a straight line much less cross his legs . And then he injured his hock so that set us back about six months . So , today Gayle had us start working on leg yield from center line and from the quarter line . Jackson does well if I get him straight and relaxed first . If he anticipates , he worries , and then he gets tense and we have to do more turns on the forehand . So , if I get him straight , keep my hands quiet , ask with only my leg and a squeeze on the outside rein , and make sure he leads with his shoulder , he steps right on over . So , it was a very productive lesson and I had quite a few moments where Jackson felt light and uphill and nicely connected - - and carrying himself . You know , those nano - seconds where it all clicks together and you grin from ear to ear because you 're about to bust with happiness . We are having friends over for dinner tonight so I 've been chained to the kitchen . I only had time for a short ride between working on the main dish and the sides . Sometimes , the short rides are the most effective . If my time is limited I am more focused - especially when I have a lesson scheduled for the next day . I was much better at riding every stride and catching Jackson in the moment when he started to drop his back , or lose his bend , or lose impulsion . I wasn 't as stellar at keeping an eye on myself . I have a tendency to grip with my knees when we canter and I don 't keep my thighs rolled on - I 'd prefer to toe out like a western gal . I did manage to keep my elbows in during the canter transitions . I 'm part chicken . My elbows want to flap around like chicken wings in the depart . So , I was good with that today but when I finished my tall boots were half way unzipped . That 's a sure sign I wasn 't rolled on correctly and I was gripping . Rats ! One of my goals is to finish a schooling session and have the zipper all the way up still . Jackson was much better with the ice boots . I put them on him as soon as we got to the tie rail . So he wore them while I took off his tack and groomed him and gave him his apple . He didn 't try to kick them off this time - - he just stood with his back legs spread . It looked like the dressage police had come up behind him and said " Spread ' em ! " After five minutes he got up the courage to put his legs back together . I must say he is the most entertaining horse I 've ever had ! Yesterday afternoon I decided to prune the apricot tree . This was after helping Brett stack a cord of wood early that morning and then riding Jackson mid day . The tree had been driving me nuts with its long arms of growth shooting everywhere . It 's still young so it is an exuberant grower . But its also large enough to take over its section of the orchard . I started by pruning out the obvious limbs : those that were growing towards the ground or were shooting straight out like Gumby arms . Then I stood back and worked on shortening the one year old growth that will bear fruit next year and then cleaning out the excess interior branches . Decisions , decisions : which to keep , which to prune away . Some of the limbs were thick and high . I had to crawl under the tree , look up and find a spot where I could stand without getting poked in the eye , wiggle to standing and then position the loppers on the selected wayward limb . Over and over and over again . At one point , I was walking backwards while looking at the tree to find my next point of entry when I tripped over one of the many branches on the ground . I started to fall , tried to catch myself , decided that was too difficult and that being on the ground might be nice . So , I sat amongst the leaves and twigs and gave the puppy belly rubs with my aching arms . Just about then the UPS truck pulled in with a delivery of horse vitamins . I called out to him to just leave the box anywhere because I was too tired to get up . He looked a bit alarmed at first but then laughed . He left the box on the driveway and drove off after I called the puppy back to me ; she was trying to climb into his truck . After finishing the pruning and cleaning up all the branches I headed down to the barn to feed . Normally , Brett would pick up the branches for me because he likes them cut to a uniform length so they fit in the dumpster perfectly . But , he was down the mountain and not due back until after dark so I just smashed them in as best I could . Halfway through mucking I started thinking about how goodPosted by I hadn 't ridden Jackson in almost two weeks between the rain and Thanksgiving so I wasn 't sure how it would go today . We did our 10 minute warm up on a loose rein on the bridle path and then another 10 minutes in the arena at walk . He was better than I expected after the time off . He accepted the contact , bent around my leg , and lifted his back . We didn 't have to spend any extra time before moving onto trot work . He had his usual temper tantrum after a couple 20m circles . He figures he is bending and lifting and its time to canter . So , he forgets about the contact and gets stiff and resistant . We had a couple episodes of leg yielding across the arena until he got his brain back . He doesn 't do submissive all that well . He 's a lot like me . The canter work was decent . He 's getting better at picking up the correct lead . He still needs a strong right rein or he gets unbalanced but all in all we were pretty much in the same place as last time I rode . We finished up with some transition work : halt walk trot walk halt . Repeat . I 'm trying to get to halt trot halt . After we worked , I washed his tail and put him in his stall with ice boots . They just came in the mail and were recommended by Horse Journal ( which I love ) for good fit on the hocks . He had a fit . But he had a fit the first time I put wraps on his legs and the first time he wore shipping boots too . He stood in his stall and tried to kick the ice boots off . He got them to slide down a bit and so I readjusted them . Then he backed up against the side of the stall and started kicking the wall . Great . Re - injure your hock why don 't you ding dong . I ended up putting on his halter so I could correct him when he kicked . The last five minutes were relatively peaceful . I took off the boots and turned him out with Flash . He didn 't seem any worse for the temper tantrum . I blog about our ranch life and training my horse . The people and animals that share my life inhabit my ramblings as well . It isn 't a true ranch in the Wyoming sense of the word , but it is my piece of paradise . Feel free to leave a comment or contact me through email at AspenMeadowsA ( at ) gmail . com |
We 've had a lovely , relaxed week during which we 've mostly hung around and done - - well , we 've pretty much done nothing at all , unless you consider finishing off leftover holiday food an accomplishment . We 've watched movies , played games , read books , ate cookies , sat by the fire , and put together a jigsaw puzzle . We 've got a couple feet of snow on the ground , so it 's a good time to hibernate . Our cat Rogue , who spends most of her time outside in warmer weather , has chosen the little Christmas village as a fine place for a long winter 's nap . We didn 't really do anything special . We built a fire in the fireplace . We played with the remote control car he 's chosen for his birthday present . We went outside with shovels to clear away the snow the plows had pushed into the driveway . Red - haired Niece and Blonde Niece stopped by to borrow some snowshoes on their way to Pretty Colour Lakes so we talked to them for a few minutes . I had a couple of stitches in my arm that needed to come out today , and Biker Boy watched , fascinated , while Boy - in - Black took them out with scissors and tweezers . Biker Boy had a new iPod Touch that someone ( his foster parents , I 'm assuming ) had given him for Christmas , and he was eager to figure out how to use it . He gets frustrated easily with technology , but Shaggy Hair Boy came to his rescue and patiently helped him transfer music . That 's when I figured out that we could use the little device for video chatting . It took us awhile to set up his account , but soon we had it in place . To practice , he went upstairs and I called him from my computer . Sure enough , his face appeared on my screen . " This is awesome , " he said . " I can see you ! I can see the Christmas tree ! " He was talking so loud that I could have heard him even without the computer . It was getting dark when I drove him home . Lights were going on in the farmhouses that we passed . The pine trees held big curves of white . Biker Boy held the GPS in his hands , even though I assured him I know the way by now ; he 's fascinated with the device . Once I was back in my living room , I opened my laptop , and soon his face appeared , grinning . " I can see you ! " he called out . He began panning the iPod around the room to give me a tour . " Look ! Here 's the television ! Here 's a chair ! " When Dandelion Niece and Taekwondo Nephew arrived on the morning of Christmas Eve , I put them to work immediately - chopping vegetables , ironing the white tablecloths , and carrying chairs in from the garage . We tried to figure out how many people would be here for Christmas dinner . Twenty ? Twenty - one ? Boy - in - Black , who had taken a break from cleaning to obligingly taste the baked beans , looked up from his bowl . " Maybe more barbecue sauce . Or something spicy . " He rooted through the spice drawer , pulling out cayenne and red pepper . Puzzled , I went over to the front door and opened it . She 'd hung a lovely , homemade wreath on the door on her way in . Busy with food preparations , I hadn 't even noticed . Our youngest cat is almost fourteen years old . So I 'm guessing it won 't be long before all of our cats die peaceful , natural deaths . And then after that , as God is my witness , I 'm never going to let a cat in my house again . I tried to be pro - active this holiday season and avoid feline mishaps . I don 't think anyone benefits from the tender holiday image of me swearing at the cats while wielding a bottle of Urine - off . So I did what I could . I even moved our Christmas village - wooden buildings that my parents built and painted almost thirty years ago - out from under the tree and up onto a couple of tables by the window . This maneuver was in response to an ugly incident that happened a couple of years ago when Trouble , our aptly - named male cat , directed a blast of urine at the village . ( If the village were on fire and he were a character in an eighteenth - century satire , I suppose his action would have been justified . Alas , it was not . ) This year 's incident happened on my husband 's birthday . With the house decorated for Christmas , our youngest in school , and the older kids at the castle , we planned to spend a romantic day home in front of the fire . I 'd finished my grading for the semester , my husband had a couple of days off , and snow was beginning to fall . When we woke up that morning , everything was perfect - except for a strong stench that permeated our home . " Where 's the smell coming from ? " my husband asked , picking up a couch cushion and sniffing it . " It 's somewhere in this room . " " I can 't find a wet spot , " I said . We both began frantically sniffing everything in the room . It wasn 't any of the pillows . It wasn 't the Christmas village . I could smell the odor - the whole room stank - but I couldn 't find the exact spot . We spent hours crawling around on the floor , smelling for a spot on the carpet , a urine - soaked pillow , anything . At least , it felt like hours . Time goes slowly when your living room reeks . Finally I opened the windows to let in fresh air , even though that made the room frigid . By then , I 'd pulled sweatpants and a sweatshirt on over the lingerie I was wearing for the occasion . The day was getting less and less romantic with every passing minute . We gave up and went out to lunch to get a respite from the awful smell and to stop at the pet store to buy more Urine - off . When we returned , the stench was worse than ever . I began moving things out of the room , just to eliminate them from our investigation : the pillows , the chair , stacks of piano music . We even moved the Christmas tree into the middle of the room to check the carpet underneath . " Maybe the cat peed in the heat duct ? " my husband said . " And it fills the room every time the heat goes on ? " He went down into the crawlspace to check out the furnace . I was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree , and I leaned over to breathe in the pine scent of the tree . That 's when I figured it out . That strand of garland ? Those low branches ? A whole section of the tree reeked . I grabbed my pruning shears and chopped off a branch . " I found it ! " I yelled to my husband . When he appeared , I made him smell the branch - and the strand of contaminated garland . I started hacking branches off the tree like crazy . I hacked a whole section of branches off the tree and tossed them outside . The room , thankfully , began to smell better . My husband began carrying in all the furniture and pillows we 'd tossed tossed into the kitchen during our frantic search . I began to feel optimistic . " I 'll just turn this side of the tree to the wall , " I said . " It 'll look fine . " I yanked the tree across the room , ornaments bouncing onto the carpet as I spun it into place . Then I reached down to plug in the lights . Only the very bottom stand lit : the rest of the tree was dark . I peered in at the branches as an awful thought crossed my mind . Most of the audience were in wheelchairs . But I could hear many of them singing the old familiar songs , and they applauded after every song . They even laughed at the corny jokes my husband told as he introduced each number . Shaggy Hair Boy stayed at the piano , flipping the pages of Christmas music and playing . With - a - Why , Shy Smile , and my husband sang , and sometimes they jingled bells . I stayed in the audience next to my mother - in - law . She doesn 't have enough strength in her arms to clap her hands , but she whispered to me that she was proud . They sang for an hour , and then it was time for the staff to start wheeling the residents back to the rooms so they could prepare the dining room for the evening meal . When we got home , the boys went immediately to the piano to continue playing and singing . They perform with or without an audience . We all went to see the play at the local high school : my kids , my parents , Blonde Sister and her family , a bunch of our extras , even Brooklyn Friend . In fact , we bought 42 tickets altogether over the three nights that the play ran . My husband and I saw it three times . Longtime readers probably remember my stories about how shy With - a - Why was a child . Throughout first grade , he never said a single word to the teacher . Not one word . And even as a teenager , he often hid behind his long hair . But music has drawn him gradually out . Piano Teacher was one of the first adults outside of the family that he would talk to . With her encouragement , he played recitals and exams often enough that he was no longer intimidated playing in front of an audience . Playing the piano was a way for a quiet child to express himself . My father takes credit for discovering that With - a - Why could sing . When he , Shaggy Hair Boy , and With - a - Why got together for jam sessions , he started giving With - a - Why some vocals . Then Choir Teacher convinced him to join the high school choir , invited him into the select Chamber Choir , set him up with voice lessons , and eventually began asking him to sing in front of people . Music drew him to the high school play , and being in that play was a transformative experience . He even cut his hair for the part - and donated 18 inches of fine , black hair to a charity . The day he returned to school with short hair , Drama Teacher stopped me in the hall to say , " Thank you for cutting his hair ! " Then she added , " You should see the attention he 's getting from the girls . " Hanging out with the bunch of creative , expressive students who are drawn to drama club turned out to be just what With - a - Why needed . I 've watched these last couple of months as the last vestiges of his shyness disappeared . He played Ralph Sheldrake , a fast - talking Big City professional . Not exactly the part I 'd give a shy , small - town boy . But onstage , dressed sometimes in a suit and sometimes in a uniform , he delivered his lines with confidence , just like a smooth - talking Ladies ' Man . He sang beautifully , and even danced at the end . " He didn 't seem shy up there at all , did he ? " Drama Teacher said to me afterwards . I could tell that she and Choir Teacher , as well as Piano Teacher who had come to watch the show , were all proud of how he 's blossomed . I wanted to put all three teachers up on the stage and give them a round of applause for what a difference they 've made in one young man 's life . The drive from Biker Boy 's foster home to my house takes about 45 minutes . That gave Biker Boy and me time alone to talk in the car this morning . He told me about stuff that had happened to him over the last week , and then he said , " I know about the shooting - - the kids getting killed . " I glanced over at his face . " I wondered how much you knew , " I said . He 's eleven , so I figured he would have heard the horrifying news . He said his foster father had talked to him about it . " It 's really sad , " he said . " But there were good people there too . Like teachers who tried to save kids and hide them and stuff . Just one person who was shooting , but the other grown - ups wanted to stop him . " Unlike most of the adults I 've talked to since Friday , he didn 't express any shock or disbelief . He didn 't say , " I can 't believe something like this could happen . " He 's eleven , but he already knows that unspeakably bad things happen to kids . He 's known that since he was small . We talked as we drove past cornfields and red barns . But once we pulled into my driveway , we agreed to stop talking about topics that made us sad . It was time for a comforting seasonal ritual : getting our Christmas tree . Once we were in the house , I made Biker Boy a cup of cocoa . Brooklyn Friend had come in for the weekend and she was already drinking a cup of hot tea . While we waited for my husband to get home from the gym , we ate cookies and moved furniture to make room for the Christmas tree . With - a - Why stopped texting his girlfriend long enough to play the piano - songs from the Charlie Brown Christmas special . We went to the same Christmas tree stand we always go to . The family who owns it are super nice . I like to walk through the rows of freshly cut trees , smelling them . Biker Boy likes to run up to each tree and yell , " This one ! Can we buy this one ? " and then change his mind two seconds later . Back at the house , we ate pizza ( it 's a tradition ) and built a fire ( another tradition ) . My daughter and Sailor Boy came over to help decorate - or rather watch while Biker Boy and I decorated the tree . Shaggy Hair Boy played Christmas music on the piano . We ended the day with a feast of Italian food that my husband picked up from a local restaurant . At a holiday party on Saturday night , I wandered into the kitchen , where the best conversations always take place . Sure enough , a bunch of my friends were gathered by the stove , chomping on Christmas cookies while they talked . A long - time friend , Warm Smile , was explaining the Secret Santa tradition her extended family - about 30 relatives in all - chooses to do each holiday season instead of traditional gift - giving . " My sister - in - law takes all of our names and pairs us up . So we get a buddy , " she said . " This year , for example , I 'm paired with my nephew . " The pairings are top secret . No one is supposed to know who your partner is . " But we talk to each other - each pair - and we tell our partners what kind of charitable contribution to make , " she said . " So you don 't buy gifts ? " asked Christmas Sweater , helping herself to some taco dip . " Nope , " Warm Smile said . " And the rule is that you can 't just donate money to the Sierra Club or some organization . It has to be a gift of time . " For instance , an aunt could be paired with a teenage nephew . She could tell him that she worried about families who go hungry . He could respond by agreeing to volunteer in a local soup kitchen or help out with a canned food drive . Then he could tell her that he wanted to do something about the environment . She could agree to volunteer to be on a committee at her church that 's looking to install solar panels on the roof . " We talk over options until we figure something out , " she said . " Oh , we all tell my sister - in - law , and then she publishes a family newsletter . It 's fun to see what everyone did , " Warm Smile said . " It 's really so much rewarding than opening presents . " Posted by Saturday was # DigiBakeDay . That meant that a bunch of my friends on twitter baked together . Well , not actually together . We decided we 'd bake in our own homes but post photos of what we were baking to the internet . The online twitter baking party included hourly writing prompts that asked us to share memories and recipes . Somehow the prompt about heart - warming memories inspired jokes about cookies that looked like body parts . Ah , it 's the internet . Go figure . I planned to participate by talking , rather than baking . That is , after all , my usual role . I tend to sit in other people 's kitchens , entertaining them while they bake , and then offering magnanimously to test the products . I figured my usual lazy approach would be even easier in virtual reality . I could just go on twitter and type stuff about baking , rather than actually getting out flour and sugar . Besides , I had student portfolios to grade . Twitter seemed an acceptable mode of procrastination - - I 'm just going on the computer for a moment , I 'd tell myself - whereas starting a baking project in the kitchen would be admitting that I 'd abandoned the grading task altogether . The other good part about virtual baking , I figured , is that I wouldn 't have to clean afterwards . When it came right down to it . I really couldn 't get into some big baking project anyhow . I had to leave the house midday to go to a piano recital that featured Piano Teacher wearing a Santa Hat , a whole bunch of aspiring little kid pianists dressed in their holiday best , and Shaggy Hair Boy as the guest pianist at the end . All the seasonal piano music put me in the holiday spirit . The little kids played their songs with great enthusiasm . Then Shaggy Hair Boy sat down at the piano . He told the audience that he wanted to play something in honor of Dave Brubeck , who had died a few days earlier . Then he began with Take Five and continued with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen in 5 / 4 time . His medley of holiday songs included a jazzed up version of Feliz Navidad , which he put in just to tease Piano Teacher since she says it 's a song she hates . He ended with Jingle Bell Rock . I stopped at the Castle on my way home . That 's the nickname for the little house that my daughter , her boyfriend Sailor Boy , and my son Boy - in - Black share . I don 't know why they call it that : the house looks nothing like a castle . They showed me the last of the cupcakes that Sailor Boy and Shaggy Hair Boy had made the day before : fancy tiramisu cupcakes . When I came home from the recital , I opened up my laptop computer to see that all my twitter friends were posting photos of cookies . By then I was pretty hungry . With - a - Why came home from his play rehearsal saying that he was hungry too . But he and his girlfriend said they didn 't have time to bake : they were settled on the couch with books and computers , doing homework . That 's when I gave into the twitter pressure . Everyone on the internet was eating homemade holiday treats ! Everyone except me ! So I abandoned my grading , mixed up some vegan chocolate cupcakes , and soon the house smelled good . " Are you going to put icing on them ? " With - a - Why asked as I pulled the pan of cupcakes out of the oven . He likes them plain . " I guess not , " I said . I didn 't have the patience to wait for the cupcakes to cool . We began eating them just as they were , warm and unfrosted . By the time my husband came home - he 'd had to work on a Saturday on account of his computer deciding to crash - the cupcakes were gone . The afternoon was gone too , and it was time for me to change my clothes quickly for the holiday party we were going to . For holidays and birthdays , Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl usually make each other presents rather than buy them . Homemade presents are more meaningful , and they want to take an eco - friendly approach . And also , neither one of them has any money . Shaggy Hair Boy had heard Smiley Girl talk about these glass jars that they used to have at a restaurant in her hometown . The jars had handles on them - that 's what made them cool - and they were sold , filled with spices , at the front counter . But the restaurant has since switched to plastic jars , and they no longer sell the eco - friendly glass ones . So Shaggy Hair Boy decided to try to find a jar to give to Smiley Girl for her 21st birthday . First , he checked ebay . But no one was selling the jars . It 's a small restaurant so that 's not a surprise . But he kept looking , and soon he found a cooking blog that showed the jars . He emailed the woman listed as the contact , who told him that the jars were no longer being sold . That started a chain of emails . And that 's what happened . This woman ( a total stranger ) washed out the jar that she had in her kitchen , wrapped it carefully , marked the package as " fragile " and sent it to my son . She said in her note that she was a romantic and the mother of three sons . She added , " I hope you are putting a ring in the jar . " " I 'm a romantic as well , " Shaggy Hair Boy wrote back . He told her that he and Smiley Girl will need to wait another year or so before getting engaged since they are both still in college . Then he finished making the gift . He bought a bag of starburst candies and figured out he could fit 66 into the jar . He wrote down 66 happy memories ( or things he loved about his girlfriend ) , each one on a little slip of paper , and then wrapped each candy with a memory , before putting them in the jar . The gift was a success . Smiley Girl was happy and surprised to get the jar , and she loved the little memory - wrapped candies . Shaggy Hair Boy sent a report back to the woman who had given him the jar . He added at the end : " Thank you so much for lending me your jar and maybe one day I 'll lend this jar to someone else . You are sincerely the nicest stranger I have ever met . " The woman emailed back that his sweet note had made her day . She loved the idea of him paying the favor forward someday . She added at the end , " Tell your mother that she raised a wonderful son . We mothers like to hear that . " " Let 's pick an evening and go downtown to see the Christmas tree , " my father said . I smiled when he said that because he sounded so much like my grandmother , who always loved to go downtown at Christmas time . When I was a kid , she used to take my siblings and me on a shopping trip downtown every December . In those days , the big department stores used to have windows filled with holiday decorations . So tonight I drove my parents into Snowstorm City . Little trees along the sidewalks were wrapped in white lights , and some of the brick buildings were decorated with red and green lights shaped like poinsettas . The big tree stood near the skating rink , where about a dozen folks skated in a circle . Many of the skaters seemed to be struggling just to stay upright , but they were having fun despite their lack of expertise . Two little girls clinging to the railing were laughing even as they kept falling . We walked around to admire the decorations , and we stopped at a craft store whose front window was filled with blown - glass balls hanging from the ceiling with ribbons . The woman behind the counter overheard me telling my mother the story of what Shaggy Hair Boy had gotten his girlfriend for her birthday , and she chimed into the conversation to say , " Oh , he 's soooo sweet . " We browsed through crafts made by local artists , ate some cookies from the plate set out near the window , and then walked back out into the night air . Biker Boy , who had gone running off to find his sneakers , stopped in his tracks . He didn 't say anything , just turned and looked at me . I knew right away what the book was , and I tucked it into my bag . " We 'll take a look , " I promised her . Then I looked up at Biker Boy . " But first , let 's go run around outside somewhere . Get your coat . " I got to Biker Boy 's foster home early this morning , in hopes that we could go hiking before the rain started . Temperatures were still above freezing , and most of last week 's snow had melted , leaving pockets of white in the woods . I 'd looked up some new hiking trails on the computer before I 'd left home , but Biker Boy said , " We need to go to the waterfall again . It 's a tradition . " We stopped to buy snacks ( another tradition ) and then I took a detour to look at one of the kettle lakes . It was a pretty lake , small enough for just canoes or rowboats . We passed several hand - painted signs advertising Christmas tree farms , and then we passed hillsides filled with Christmas trees , rows and rows of them spreading in all directions . We crossed the railroad track several times , with Biker Boy looking anxiously each way for trains before we drove over it . When we got to the trailhead for the waterfall hike , we were the only car . " We have the whole place to ourselves , " I told Biker Boy . We both paused to listen to the stream rushing down over rocks . " IT ' S ALL OURS ! " he yelled . He ran ahead on the trail , eager to lead the way . When we reached the waterfall , we could see chunks of ice that had melted and fallen into piles at the base of each little ledge . The rocks were slippery this week , and we both kept sliding back as we scrambled up and over them . He grinned and began throwing the chunks of ice . They smashed against the rock with a satisfying sound that echoed throughout the valley . After a few minutes , I took a second pair of gloves out of my camera bag and joined him : the thinner pieces of ice were the most fun because they crackled as they crashed . The rain began while we were still climbing around the waterfall . The rocks and dead leaves were slippery , and we were soon covered with mud from sliding down on our butts . We 'd hoped to find a trail to get to the top of the falls , but I think we went the wrong way . I probably should have looked at the trail map a little closer . By then it was lunchtime . Pizza is another tradition , and it 's an easy one to keep . Every little town in this part of the country has a pizza place . We found a pizza parlor with a friendly owner , an electric fireplace , and vinyl booths that could accommodate two hikers whose clothes were wet . Once we were done eating , I pulled from the album from my bag - - a book put together by a couple could potentially adopt him . " Want to look at this now ? " I asked . He nodded . We looked at the photos of the people , their pets , and their house . We read the carefully typed words that revealed so much longing , and Biker Boy pointed out the details that he liked the best . Adoption is a slow process , and this is just the very beginning . Biker Boy and the team of people working with him know that there are many hurdles to overcome before he ends up in a family . " It 's about 40 minutes from my house , " I said . " Don 't worry , I could visit you there . It 's near a big lake - there are lots of beautiful places on the shore of that lake . " The pizza ovens made the little diner warm , the rain made a splattering sound on the windows , and we both felt sleepy . We split another piece of pizza , just because it tasted so good , and we put the album away . There was , really , no way to predict the future . Tonight , my husband and I went downtown to watch a professional soccer game . Well , to be honest , we weren 't actually there to watch soccer . Unlike the hundreds of sports fans who crowded into the stands , we went mostly to hear the national anthem . It was sung by three high school kids - two girls and my son With - a - Why . I wondered he 'd be nervous singing in front of a couple thousand people . I think I would have been . When the announcer said , " Please rise for the national anthem , " everyone in the stadium stood up , went silent , and stared right at the three kids . If it was me , I would have turned and run from the field . But all three kids seemed completely calm . With - a - Why stood at the microphone just as if he was standing in our living room and sang his part in a clear voice . With - a - Why was a shy child , and as a teenager , he 's still pretty quiet . He doesn 't talk unless he has something to say . But he 's not the least bit shy when he sits down at the piano , or stands up to sing . Music has transformed him from the kid who used to hide behind his hair to the poised , self - confident young man who has played piano for many recitals and has sung solos in front of crowds . You 'd think that students and faculty on a college campus would all be rested and relaxed after a nice Thanksgiving break . But no , that 's not how it works . That week off is a mirage . When you 're approaching it , the week beckons with the promise of a desert - like expanse of time for those projects you 've been putting off . But alas , no one ever gets done the work they thought they were going to . When Thanksgiving week is over , and the cold reality of the work week hits , students and faculty alike come back to campus with long to - do lists , heaps of guilt , and very little holiday cheer . Thanksgiving doesn 't give students enough time to really catch up on sleep or work . Nope , they really just have enough time to go back to their home communities and exchange viruses , which they bring back to campus to share . So yeah . It 's the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and everyone on campus is sick , sleep - deprived , and overwhelmed . The dark , cold evenings we get in November don 't help one bit . The one bright spot I had today was during class . A group of students were doing a presentation about educating children to connect with nature . Even though it was cold , the students insisted we all go outside for the first ten minutes of the presentation . " Because that 's our point , " said Long Brown Hair . " All education should include the outdoors . " We huddled together near a cemetery filled with trees and tombstones . Red Beard asked us to close our eyes , and he led us through what he called a " Senses Meditation . " First we had to listen . I could hear the wind pushing the bare tree boughs , the breathing of the students on either side of me . Then we were asked to taste . The sweet taste of the grapes and cereal I eat between classes was still inside my mouth . Then , while holding those sensations in our mind , we had to smell . The wind brought me the scent of dead leaves and of mud , plus a whiff of laundry detergent from the jacket of the student next to me . Just as Red Beard got to the part where he asked us to feel sensations on our skin , the sun came out from behind the clouds . I could hear the sighs around me as we all turned our faces towards the warmth . We woke up this morning to snow . We didn 't get much , but still the weather was cold enough to send me out to the garage for an armful of logs . We 've spent the last few days eating , talking , and playing games by the fire . I saw no reason to change that pattern . It was a good day to make soup from leftovers . I searched through the refrigerator to find some leftover squash that Shaggy Hair Boy had roasted , a bag of leeks from our CSA , and some celery stalks . I grabbed some potatoes , onions , and apples from the counter , chopped everything up , and then threw in a bunch of spices . There 's really no way to make soup wrong . I moved my pot of soup to the back burner . " I 'm done with the kitchen , " I said . " You can use the two front burners . " You can never have too much soup . Dandelion Niece and Taekwondo Nephew joined us around the table for the game where everyone writes names of famous people on slips of paper and then we have to guess them in teams . " We 've been told not to eat here , " Tawkwondo Nephew said every time I offered him food . " We 're supposed to eat at Grandma 's house . " Beautiful Smart Wonderful Daughter and Sailor Boy arrived with a big tin of homemade cookies . Sailor Boy 's family , who live in our town , always spend the Saturday after Christmas making huge batches of Christmas cookies , an event that we usually benefit from . They 're sugar cookies , decorated with icing and sprinkles . I put on the kettle for tea . Shaggy Hair Boy has a job Monday night , so he settled down at the piano to practice . He 'll be playing for an older crowd so we heard stuff like As Time Goes By , After You 've Gone , and Rose Room . Boy - in - Black found a trivia game online so as many people as possible crowded around him on the couch , everyone shouting out answers while he typed as fast as he could . I think our household must have the record for how many people we usually manage to fit on one couch . When we heard a knock on the door , everyone knew who it was . Quick is the only extra who ever knocks - everyone else just walks in . That 's one of the nice things about Thanksgiving week : all of our college - age extras are home . Our downstairs is one big room so there 's not much privacy . Luckily , none of the young couples are at all self - conscious . When With - a - Why and Shy Smile were cooking , I looked over to see that they 'd put down their knives and were dancing by the stove . Shaggy Hair Boy has been on a cooking streak . We get two bins of vegetables from the CSA farm each week , which means we often have piles of leftover veggies on the counter and in the refrigerator . Shaggy Hair Boy decided to tackle the squash , onion , and brussel sprouts . He went on the internet to find a recipe so that he had a general idea of what ingredients to use . Soon he was chopping every thing up , adding a glaze made of oil , vinegar , brown sugar , and spices , then putting it all in the oven to roast . Boy - in - Black , who finished his research paper earlier this week , decided to relax by taking apart Blonde Niece 's computer , which had crashed . He got out his set of little screwdrivers and soon her laptop was in pieces . " I hope you can save all the data , " Blonde Niece said , " because if not , I 'm screwed . " I got out my favorite jigsaw puzzle and dumped the pieces out on our large wooden table . Jigsaw puzzles are perfect for a family who likes to hang out and talk . When Beautiful Smart Wonderful Daughter and Sailor Boy arrived , they sat down at the table to help me with the puzzle . Well , Sailor Boy began working on the puzzle , while my daughter grabbed a fork and began eating from my plate of food . Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl left to drive back to her family 's hometown : she wanted to be home for an event she calls Pie Night . It 's a tradition each year for her friends from high school to get together the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and spend the whole night making pies . Judging from the photos that get posted on facebook each year , the night includes lots of joking and silliness as well as serious baking . My daughter baked sugar cookies , decorated with little candy pieces , which made the house smell nice . With - a - Why and Shy Smile snuggled in their usual spot on the end of the couch , playing music and watching clips on his laptop . When my husband came home , he joined them for an episode of the Walking Dead , which meant that this cosy scene was punctuated by the sound of zombies getting killed . We ended the day with a haircutting party . Boy - in - Black and my daughter only needed trims , but With - a - Why 's hair was all the way down to his waist . I offered to take him to an actual haircut place for the dramatic haircut , but he shrugged and said , " No , you do it . " Everyone gathered around to watch me cut With - a - Why 's hair - it was pretty much the most exciting thing that had happened all day . He decided to donate his hair , so I tied it into four ponytails , and then just snipped each one off . The crowd exclaimed as the ponytails came away . His thick , dark hair stuck out in all directions . He looked to me just like the anime character L from the show Death Note . " You 're so cute , " my daughter said . " It looks so good . " Shy Smile was nodding in agreement . I measured the ponytails that now lay on the table . " Eighteen inches of hair to donate . " I loved how crazy With - a - Why 's hair looked , sticking out in all different directions , but he wanted more of a normal haircut , so I set to work snipping it off , evening it up . His hair is baby fine and straight , but there 's lots of it , and the more I cut , the more hair there seemed to be . Soon his chair was surrounded by piles of dark hair . By the time Film Guy arrived , the floor had been swept and the jigsaw puzzle was almost done . My daughter poured glasses of milk and cider so that we could finish the cookies . I pulled the lamp at the end of the couch over to the table , and we gathered around to finish the puzzle . Then it was time to go to bed , to rest up for another day of eating and talking . It 's 31 miles , but it 's a mostly familiar drive . It 's along the route I take to the monastery , a landscape of red barns , cornfields close - cropped for the winter season , and woods that fill steep hillsides . I passed the turn - off to the small mountain where I used to ski and snowboard with my kids . I passed the little white church where I attended the funeral for my friend Ornithologist Guy . Then I followed the emotionless voice of my GPS to the foster home where Biker Boy lives now . " I used to come out this way as a teenager , " I told Biker Boy , after he 'd gotten into my car and buckled his seat belt . Ski resorts used to make money in the summer by running cement chutes down the sides of the mountain . We 'd pay money to ride the chairlift up and then careen down the mountain in these wheeled carts that went crazy fast . I suspect lawsuits are what put an end to the alpine slide : people were always getting hurt . Even though it 's November , the sunlight shining down on the hills made for a gorgeous Sunday afternoon . Biker Boy 's newest foster mother - who seemed pleasant and grandmotherly - said he didn 't need to be home until 4 : 30 pm so we had the whole afternoon to spend outside . We stopped at the little convenience store in the center of town to buy fruit and chocolate . Snacks are a necessary part of any hike I take . " Look ! " Biker Boy said in a whisper as we pulled into the parking lot . The pick - up truck next to us had a dead deer strapped to the back . We walked up to it slowly , and Biker Boy reached out to touch a dangling hoof . " It 's the first weekend of hunting season , " I told him . Another pick - up truck pulled up : this one had antlers lashed to the grill in front . Our next stop was a place that I 've hiked many times before . The trail includes a long boardwalk that winds through a boggy area and then eventually out along a lake . Biker Boy kept pointing out things - the green moss that appeared like magic after the summer foliage fell away , the woodpecker holes on dead tree , and a half - submerged log that looked like an alligator , although of course it wasn 't . We found a bench in the sun and ate some of the fruit and all of the chocolate , and then Biker Boy told me about his week . I 'd had a long talk with his therapist , whom I really liked . " I think you can trust Therapist , " I told him . " She reminds me of my daughter . " But still . He doesn 't know what his future holds , and neither do I . The foster home where he 's staying now will not be permanent . After walking around the boardwalk , we drove to another nearby trail that runs along a creek . It wasn 't long before Biker Boy had found a stick and was poking in the water , splashing and turning rocks over . I found a tree that had fallen over the water and showed off my mad balance beam skills : Biker Boy was suitably impressed . It 's a small waterfall : the stream cascades over a lip of rock and then falls about eighty feet over boulders to the floor of the forest . What 's fun is that you can climb part of the way up . Biker Boy took the lead , scrambling over wet rocks , grabbing tree trunks to steady himself . I could hear him muttering to himself , " Come , on , Biker Boy . You can do it . " Our goal was a little ledge , part way up , right where the spray formed a rainbow . Biker Boy got there first and he walked right into the spray , with a fine disregard for his sneakers or clothing . " You 're standing in the rainbow , " I yelled to him . We stayed until the rocks were in deep shade and drove back to the foster home , with Biker Boy taking charge of the GPS . " You just put in an address ? And you can find it ? " he said , fascinated . Ah , Thanksgiving week . It 's been such a busy semester that I 've looked forward to just hanging out at home , crossing things off my to - do list . I began yesterday by making a big pot of lentil soup , since soup is my favorite meal and snack . Besides , I 've got portfolios to grade , and cooking is an ideal form of procrastination . Boy - in - Black , who moved home for the week , sat at his usual spot at the end of the couch with his laptop , writing a research paper . It 's been a busy semester for him as well , and he looked like he hadn 't slept in days . His hair stuck straight up in the back , the way it did when he was a kid . " I 'll take a shower after this paper is done , " he said . " What 's the paper about ? " I asked , looking across the counter while I chopped onions and celery . Boy - in - Black clicked something on his keyboard and showed me the title of his paper : " " Minimal spanning trees at the percolation threshold : a numerical calculation . " That 's what we ate yesterday - plain lentil soup and spicy lentil soup , many bowls of it . I graded some portfolios , began cleaning my office , and practiced the holiday song I 'm learning on the piano : " Hark the Herald Angels Sing . " With - a - Why went to play practice , then he and Shy Smile snuggled on the couch with a bunch of books and his laptop computer . My husband got out his laptop and spent hours catching up on work emails . Shaggy Hair Boy went off to work : he 's helping his jazz piano teacher move stuff . Beautiful Smart Wonderful Daughter and Sailor Boy came over for a while : they 'd been at a fabric store , looking at material to make curtains with . " Fabric is really expensive , " Sailor Boy reported . My parents came by after a long walk at Green Lakes . " Lots of people with dogs , " my mother said . She was trying to get a head count for Thanksgiving dinner . Red - haired Sister and her family are coming later this week , although no one knows when . I did get some work done - a few portfolios graded , a little writing , a little cleaning - and I played the first page of " Hark the Herald Angels Sing " at least 37 times . It was nice to feel relaxed and not rushed . We 've still got a whole week ahead of us . He 's right . When Shaggy Hair and Smiley Girl are here , they 'll often tackle the box of veggies we get from our CSA farm , cooking up squash or fresh potatoes or those oddly shaped root vegetables that mystify me . With - a - Why and his girlfriend bake cookies and once , an apple pie . My husband makes goulash : that 's pretty much his go - to meal . I 'm mostly likely to make a big pot of soup from whatever veggies we have on hand , with the idea that it can be eaten for any meal or even as a snack . Tall Boy seems to make pork chops a lot , which excites the cats , who swarm to the kitchen at the smell of cooking meat . Blue - eyed Ultimate Player specializes in macaroni and cheese , or any meal that can be heated up in the microwave . When Boy - in - Black is here , he mostly eats granola , fruit , and yoghurt . The next thing you know , he was sitting on the floor in front of the dishwasher , creating a color - coded system with index cards . Blue means dirty , pink means clean , and white means in process . Then he began writing up rules . The general ideas was that all members of the household were expected to clean up after themselves , but he had a precise formula for each situation : If there is no room for your dish in the dishwasher , you are obligated to run it . In the meantime ( while it is running ) , rinse your dish and put it to the left of the sink . If the dishes in the dishwasher are clean , unload it and then put your dish in . You are obligated to unload it if you need to put your dish in and it 's clean but not running . If you ABSOLUTELY do not have time to unload the dishwasher when you are obligated to , you may either get someone else to do it with their consent , or you may do it when you have time . If , when you find you have the time to unload it , you find someone else already has , you must seek out said person and make it known that they can now make you unload the dishwasher at a time of their choosing . Big dishes must be cleaned and put away in a timely fashion by he who has dirtied ( cooked in them ) . If cooking for others , you may make them clean the dishes , as you have cooked . They are obligated to obey this request if they ingest any amount of the food . You are obligated to move your dishes to the appropriate area ( rinsed out ) in a timely fashion . No leaving them around the house for extended periods of time . He kept adding more rules as he thought of every possible situation . Pretty soon both sides of the folder he 'd taped to the dishwasher were full . Then he looked up , " Do you think it 's sufficient to use the phrase in a timely fashion ? Or do I need to be more precise ? " The salesman was skinny , with curly hair that hung into his eyes . He seemed awfully young , but he did a great job answering my questions . I 'd already gone online to figure out which laptop I wanted so it didn 't take long to choose . We chatted we waited . He seemed eager to reveal his wealth of computer experience . " I 've only been working here for a few months , " he said . " But I 've been using Mac computers for years . " " I hate how things change , " Biker Boy said to me . We were sitting at the pond yesterday , watching ducks swim on a summer day that had trickled into November by mistake . The scene was peaceful , but that 's not what was going on inside Biker Boy 's eleven - year - old head . Longtime readers know that Biker Boy used to live on my street . I 've known him for four years . When he lived nearby , he and his little sister used to come visit me every day , escaping from a home in which he was not safe . A smart reader told me once that I should teach him my phone number - and I did . " I 've got your phone number in my heart , " Biker Boy always says . For the last nine months , Biker Boy has been living in a foster home on the other side of the city . It 's been a safe place for him . But it wasn 't a permanent situation . This week he will move again - to a new foster home in a small town about 25 miles away from me . The change was sudden news for him : he found out at school on Friday . Yesterday , Biker Boy and I ate pizza because that 's our tradition . Then I asked what he wanted to do . He wanted first to come to my house . For a little while , he acted like his old self - joking around while we took zombie photos to put on twitter . Then he wanted to drive to the railroad track that we used to walk to . Then we stopped to see the little house that my older two kids rent so he could say hello to them . Then we stopped at my parents ' house . Biker Boy is usually a high - energy kid , but yesterday he was not . After we visited everyone in my family , we drove to the duck pond and took a walk . He didn 't run around like crazy the way he usually does . I didn 't have to tell him even once not to chase the swans . He sat quietly in the sun and leaned his head against me . A scary - looking zombie leapt at me , trying to bite my shoulder . I dodged just in time . Then another attacked . I cried for help and three humans came to my rescue : a former student who has all kinds of zombie - fighting experience , a friend who lives on the other side of the continent , and the other , a person I know only in virtual reality . The battle was a blur , but thanks my rescuers , I survived to see another day . I spent the morning perched high in a tree , watching helplessly as the zombie horde swarmed through the twitterverse , biting innocent humans and converting them into hungry , mindless bodies searching for another meal . " I need to find the other humans and make a plan , " I thought to myself . But alas , I 'm too impulsive . I leaped into the fray to save a friend and soon I was fighting for my life . Twitter vs Zombies is an online game taking place this weekend on twitter . It 's based on the Humans vs Zombies game that students have been playing in real life on college campuses across the country . ( Well , as " real life " as a zombie game ever is . ) Here 's the way the game goes . All but one begin as humans . Any human " bitten " by a zombie turns into a zombie . And once you 're a zombie , there 's no going back . The zombie horde keeps getting bigger , and the human population gets smaller . Star Trek fans have no doubt heard of Kobayashi Maru , the no - win scenario that 's used as a training exercise . It 's supposed to test your character - or something like that - to be put in a situation where you just can 't win . This human vs zombies games feel a bit like that . You know , I 've long wondered about my students ' fascination with the zombie apocalypse . And after playing the game this weekend , I think I 'm beginning to understand . The Kobayashi Maru is a relevant game to play when you look at the earth we are living on , a planet in which human influence is so large that we 've actually changed the climate . We 've warmed up the planet just one degree so far - and yet , look at how disastrous it 's been . This year has been filled with record - setting temperatures , droughts , floods , and weather - related disasters . Even Big City Like No Other , that invincible city , was hit with a storm that flooded subway tunnels and turned the whole south end of the island black . When it comes to climate disruption , the future for our species looks pretty grim . Forget about the zombies , we are killing ourselves with a reckless unwillingness to give up our dependence on fossil fuels . My students haven 't given up hope , I know . Many are joining the newest campaign to fight climate disruption . But I can see how playing laser tag with zombies - or even fighting zombies in virtual reality - might be an important training for the world they are going to inherit . They seemed pleased with the results , but not surprised . " It 's ridiculous that gay marriage was even up for vote , " said Purple Glasses . " That should be an automatic . " The students around her nodded . What students were still talking about is the damage from the storm Sandy . Some students have family and friends back home who were affected - some without power , some without homes . Last week , there was an initial surge of relief as text messages and facebook updates brought the news that their relatives and friends were safe . This week , the phone calls are more somber as families are beginning to realize just how much damage the storm did and how long it 's going to be before any measure of normalcy returns to some of these towns . It was a brief respite . I had just a weekend in the Sunshine State . Then I had to fly home while my husband stayed on for a conference . But we had two wonderful days of sunshine and warm weather , and we made the most of it . We went kayaking at an island state park , visited a lighthouse , explored some beaches , walked trails in the Everglades , and wandered through an amazing botanical garden . We even ate our meals outside to soak in as much sunshine as we could before returning to our own cold climate . As I walked barefoot in the sand , I kept saying dramatically , " This is the last time my feet will be warm for months . " Everywhere we went , people were still talking about Hurricane Sandy . When the woman ringing up my purchases in the little grocery store heard where I was from , she asked immediately , " Is your family okay ? After the storm ? " She 'd lived her whole life in the islands : she 'd seen any number of hurricanes . " We 're used to them down here , " she said . The woman at the next register began chiming in with hurricane stories , both women jumping back and forth between Spanish and English while they talked . " We don 't usually get them up in the northeast , " I said . " Or at least , we didn 't used to . But I guess with climate change , things are changing . " Soon we 'll be entering the winter , the season when it makes sense to stay home by the fire with a bowl of hot soup and a good book . I 'm looking forward to the holidays and all the crazy stuff my family does simply because it 's tradition . Red - haired Sister and her family will be coming for Thanksgiving , and I think pretty much everyone in my extended family will be here over Christmas . From mid - November to January , the house will be filled with food and company . But the snow isn 't here yet . The trees are mostly bare and the nights are cold , but we still have a few fall days left . I 'm sneaking off for a weekend away with my husband , time for just the two of us to spend together before the winter begins . After a weekend retreat at a monastery , I always come home with all kinds of new resolutions . I 'm going to be nicer to everyone . I 'm going to make more time for writing . I 'm going to eat more kale and be less sarcastic and stop whining about how long it takes me to grade papers . On Sunday night , I tried hard to stay in monking mode . I greeted my family with the kind of loving cheerfulness that would make Carol Brady look like a grouch . I didn 't make a single sarcastic comment about the dried cat barf in the hallway and how I seem to be the only person in the house with the necessary skill to clean something like that up . Clicking onto my computer to see that a hurricane was heading towards the northeast did not snap me out of my zen mood . " I can 't do anything about that , " I told myself calmly as I looked at the storm tracker . But then Gretel , our old grey - striped cat , wandered into my home office . Out of the corner of my eye , I caught a glimpse of her sniffing the lowest shelf of the bookcase by the door . I 've got about thirty journals shoved into that shelf . This pile of spiral - bound books , filled with scribbled phrases and messy paragraphs , represents years of my life . Retreat Friend and I took a few minutes to unpack , carrying our bags into the little bedroom we 'd share , and then we sat down to eat the sandwiches we 'd bought in at the Gorgeous City bakery . The little guest cottage is small , but one whole wall is a big window that looks out over the sheep pastures , facing the winding road we 'd just driven up . We ate and talked while the sky above the treeline grew dark and then we walked over for evening prayer with the monks . The octogon - shaped chapel has a stone floor , with plain wooden benches set in concentric circles around a simple stone altar . Four doors lead outside in the four directions . Retreat Friend and I came in the east door ; monks in dark robes were walking in through the northern door . At night , the chapel is lit only by candles . In the dimness , Brother Tractor took his place by the big harp that has stayed in the same spot for the fifteen years that I 've been coming to this monastery . As the monks chanted and sang , accompanied by the harp music , I scanned their faces to see how they 'd survived the summer . Brother Beekeeper gave me a smile ; he 's always the same . Brother Silence , who celebrated his 85th birthday over the summer , wasn 't at the service so I worried whether or not he was well . I was happy to see that Brother Sculptor , who 'd come from a monastery in Vietnam last year , was still here . The youngest of the group , a postulant the same age as Boy - in - Black , stood serious and solemn in the semi - circle of monks , most of whom are old enough to be his grandfathers . When I woke up Saturday morning , a thick fog had descended on the hills of the sheep farm . Misty grey swirled across the chapel , the guesthouses , the barns , and the pastures . From where I sat drinking my morning cup of hot tea , cozy in the chair by the big window , I could see the blurred shapes of sheep climbing the pasture hill . The crooked old trees in the apple orchard looked like they just might come to life and start pelting apples . The fog stayed all weekend , accompanied by a misty rain that touched my face every time I walked over to the chapel or up to the women 's guesthouse for meals . It was as if the hills of the monastery had risen into the clouds , and the rest of the world simply disappeared . I built a fire in the little stove in the guest cottage and spent Saturday afternoon doing a jigsaw puzzle in front of the window , watching the sheep as they meandered around the pasture . Unfortunately , time doesn 't stand still at the monastery . Too soon , Sunday afternoon came . Retreat Friend and I packed our bags , cleaned the little cottage for the next guests , and drove down through the grey mist to find our way back home . Tonight after work , I 'll drive with a friend past cornfields and hayfields , past old barns and little towns , past white churches and old stone fences . We 'll talk as we drive , catching up on several months of conversation . We 've been friends for a couple of decades , which means we are able to discuss pretty much every aspect of our lives . It 'll be dusk by the time we arrive at the monastery . The monks will be pulling long dark robes on over their workclothes in preparation for the evening service . The sheep will be gathered near the barn , their white wool glowing in the dim light . We 'll carry our stuff into the old stone house , turn on the lights , and sit down for a cup of tea before the bell rings for compline . After talking non - stop for several hours in the car , Monking Friend and I will be ready for some quiet . I 'll unpack my journal ; she usually brings a whole stack of books . When the bell at the top of the chapel rings , we 'll walk over the the octogan - shaped chapel that was built with stone from the monastery land . When I open the heavy wooden door , the familiar smell will rush out at me - the smell of incense and melting wax , the scent of prayer . That is the moment that my weekend retreat begins . This summer With - a - Why , my youngest son , decided to begin painting a mural on a wall upstairs . It 's still unfinished . His schedule is pretty busy - he 's got a part in the school play , he sings in the chamber choir , he takes piano and voice lessons , and he 's taking a bunch of AP and college courses . Plus , he 's got a girlfriend now , and romance takes time . Even though the mural isn 't not done yet , I 'm enjoying the bright yellows and oranges on the wall . As the cold winds whip the leaves off the trees outside the house , I like having this brightness inside . I think I 'm especially going to like it during the grey and white month of February . Of course , I 'm hoping by then , the project is done so I 'm not still tripping over cans of paint and the big pieces of cardboard we scattered on the floor to protect the rug . That 's With - a - Why in the top photo . That 's his girlfriend , Shy Smile , in the bottom photo . Yes , she 's been drafted to help with the project . Twilfitt and Tatting 's My piano teacher , who is always dressed beautifully , with clothes that match ( and accessories even ! ) keeps trying to teach me some fashion sense . When I appeared at my lesson last week in my favorite blue sweater , she took one look and said gently , " I really don 't think you should wear that in public . " My protests about how comfortable the sweater was did not sway her . She may have even used the phrase " shapeless and horrible . " We 've been friends for years , and she knew I wouldn 't be offended . Then she came up with the idea of dragging me into a clothing store and helping me choose a sweater . I say , " help me choose " but actually she did the choosing . All I did was try the sweater on . " What do you think of this sweater ? " I asked . I knew that inviting my sons to comment on my clothing was a bad idea , giving their willingness to tease me , but I had strict instructions from Piano Teacher . She was expecting a text message . Golden Even though the weather has been warm , we 've been getting ready for winter . Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl helped me stack a couple of cords of wood in the garage . My husband fixed the lawn mower so that Tall Boy could cut the lawn one last time before the snow . I put up a new set of shelves in our laundry room . I 've been cleaning and re - organizing the house to accommodate the ever - changing flow of people who live here . Beautiful Smart Wonderful Daughter and Boy - in - Black moved to a little house in the next town , but they sometimes spend the weekend here . Tall Boy and Blue - eyed Ultimate Player are living with us for the semester . We 've been seeing a lot of Shy Smile , the girl who is dating With - a - Why : I think she 's officially an extra now . My daughter 's boyfriend will be moving back to the area next month , and Shaggy Hair Boy 's girlfriend is usually here whenever he is . I never really know who might be here on any given night . Luckily , they 're all fine with sleeping on the floor because we really don 't have many beds . My theory about keeping the house clean with so many people coming and going is - well , mostly it 's impossible . The only way to survive is to limit how much stuff is in the house . So I 've been going through cupboards and closets , packing up stuff and taking it to donation centers . This all sounds quite virtuous , but mostly it 's because I 've had papers to grade . There 's nothing like a stack of student papers to send me on a cleaning binge . " I think I 'm the oldest person here , " I said to Boy - in - Black . The concert venue , a bar in Gorgeous City , seemed to be filled with students from two nearby colleges . He looked across the crowd , over the heads of a whole flock of girls who were giggling and whispering at his presence . " Nah , " he said , grinning . " There 's a guy at the bar who might be older . " It 's the first time I 've gone to a show with Boy - in - Black , and having him along was a definite advantage . He 's pretty intimidating . The crowd of young people were jostling each other , spilling drinks and pushing in closer as more people came in , but Boy - in - Black didn 't move so much as an inch in any direction . He stood absolutely still , arms folded like a security guard . Usually , by the end of a Mountain Goats concert , the whole crowd is pressing me against the edge of the stage , but not this time . Boy - in - Black served as a human shield that gave me plenty of room . Darnielle paused for just a split second , and the whole crowd sang the next line , " And Joseph 's brother sold him down the river for a song . " Darnielle grinned as his own words came back to him . Somehow even those young college students knew the song . That 's when I knew it would be a great show . Of course , the Mountain Goats are pretty much always a great show . John Darnielle is charming and humble , and filled with frantic , happy energy , even while he 's singing the dark poetry he 's famous for writing . He did nine songs from the new album that was just released , and the crowd knew those words too . And of course , when he sang old favourites like , " This Year , " everyone in the room jumped up and down , yelling out the words . Afterwards , Boy - in - Black and I decided to go over to the merchandise table and see if we could talk to Darnielle . When I walked over , he said , " Hey , Front Row ! " and gave me a hug . That 's the cool thing about Darnielle - he manages to make every single member of the audience feel like he 's cares that you 're there . I sat down next to him and said , " This kid who looks like my bodyguard is my son . " He laughed and said , " Wow . My son is only 18 months old , and yours is towering above us . " We only talked for a few minutes , but I passed along a message from a friend , and we managed to take a bunch of ridiculous photos with Boy - in - Black 's phone . It was past midnight when Boy - in - Black and I walked out to my car . I rummaged through the car to find the chocolate bar I 'd opened earlier , Boy - in - Black hooked up his iPod to play some Mountain Goats music , and we talked as we made the long drive home past barns and cornfields and little country towns . Such milestone birthdays meant that our house was filled with young people and extras all weekend . The gang spent Saturday doing crazy stunts outside in an old wheelchair that we found when we cleaned the garage . By evening , more extras had arrived to join the party . Philosophical Boy , on midterm break , showed up unexpectedly . Blonde Niece arrived with her boyfriend . First Extra brought lottery tickets , the same gift he gave to Boy - in - Black and Shaggy Hair Boy when they turned eighteen . It 's a tradition . Boy - in - Black came up with a new way of gathering everyone for the candle ceremony . He pulled the living furniture into a circle and began batting a ball back and forth . No one could resist the " keep the ball in the air " game . The circle quickly expanded to a gang of fourteen young people leaping up , making dramatic dives , and knocking into each other to swat at the ball . On several occasions , the entire loveseat went tumbling over . You might say that we 're a little competitive . By the time the room had gotten dim enough to light candles , everyone was hot and sweaty from competing over a little foam ball . I wondered whether Shy Smile , With - a - Why 's girlfriend , would find our noisy , crowded household a bit overwhelming , but she seemed to be handling the chaos just fine . It 's easy to find nice things to say about With - a - Why and Skater Boy , but of course as we went around the circle , there were also teasing insults and jokes . That 's the tradition . Last week was supposed to be " Photos of Naked Middle - Aged Women " week on my blog . After all , I have to keep up my google rating . I used to be the number one hit in that category , but recently a surge of creepy porn has tried to take the spot , so I was trying to be pro - active . But Blogger ( the blog - publishing service I use ) shut down when I was trying to post the photo above . Maybe all the naked photos were just too much for blogger . I gave up when I started getting emails from folks telling me they couldn 't post comments . To be honest , most of the women I take photos are a bit past middle age . In fact , two of the last three women in my photos are grandmothers . Yep , it 's true . Grandmothers wear cowboy hats to celebrated their naked bodies and go skinny dipping in cold mountain lakes , even in October . Now that Blogger seems to be working again , I figured I 'd start the week with another naked picture . Here 's my friend Makes Bread . It looks like she 's all relaxed as she 's walking into the water , but the reality is that she was saying , " Hurry up and take the photo before those kayaks get any closer . " It 's a weird thing about kayakers . When they see a bunch of women skinny dipping , they tend to paddle over just for the heck of it . It 's happened before . I was all for waiting on the shore so we could introduce ourselves to the kayakers but my friends decided the skinny dipping was over . Makes Bread climbed out , dried herself off , and pulled her clothes on before any boats were within earshot . For the history of the naked blog photo project , go to this page and click on each photo , beginning with the first . Each photo has a link that will bring you back to a post on this blog that tells the story of how the photo was taken . Posted by Some of my friends are quick to pose naked while others need a few minutes - or even a few years - to make up their minds . The naked photo is inevitable , of course . Resistance is futile . Everyone gives in eventually . " We 're going skinny dipping , " Signing Woman said . She smiled at me , and I knew she was ready to pose . I grabbed my camera and followed her out to the lake . We 'd been talking earlier about butterflies , how they are the messengers between heaven and earth . We 'd discussed the possibility of Signing Woman 's ancestors ' spirits wandering around this lovely property where her family has come for so many years . Signing Woman herself has such a emotional and spiritual connection to this place that I could well imagine her coming back as a ghost someday . For the history of the naked blog photo project , go to this page and click on each photo , beginning with the first . Each photo has a link that will bring you back to a post on this blog that tells the story of how the photo was taken . Posted by Dancing Woman stripped off her clothes , tossed them aside , and sat down in the chair . None of my other friends even looked up . Signing Woman went on reading her book , and Long Beautiful Hair wandered back into the kitchen for another cup of tea . Denim Woman , coming down the stairs , didn 't even look surprised to find a naked woman sitting by the fire . In deference to Signing Woman 's family , who own the house we were staying in , I moved the photos behind the red chair . I wasn 't sure if any of her ancestors , with their stern black - and - white faces , would like to be included in the naked photo . She comes from an amazing family of missionaries and Sunday school teachers , physicians and academics and ministers . I suspect many of them would be most happy to participate in my project . I mean , really , who in the world wouldn 't want to be in a naked photo and get that fifteen minutes of internet fame ? But my own rules include asking folks permission before I include them , and that was impossible since the people in the photos are dead . I certainly didn 't want to take advantage of dead people . Pretty much every woman in the room looked up then to chime and say how much they loved Dancing Woman 's legs . That 's the fun part of taking a naked photo in a room full of women friends : they all start saying things about how beautiful you are . That part of this project never gets old . For the history of the naked blog photo project , go to this page and click on each photo , beginning with the first . Each photo has a link that will bring you back to a post on this blog that tells the story of how the photo was taken . Posted by The kitchen was filled with women . Quilt Artist stirred a pot of soup on the stove . Makes Bread knelt on the floor in front of the refrigerator , re - arranging everything to make more room on the shelves . Long Beautiful Hair waved a jar of pickles . Denim Woman pulled out a big bag of Dark Chocolate Bark and handed it to Signing Woman . Everyone was talking excitedly , nine voices echoing against the wooden cupboards and high ceilings . We decided the stone steps of the old house we were staying in would be a nice backdrop for a naked photo . The fact that the steps faced a public road did not phase Quilt Artist . " I 'll just duck down when a car goes by , " she said . " I like how the brown hat is repeated in the brown stones , " I said , pointing to my favorite . " And I like the curve of your body . " Almost everyone else voted for that photo , but Quilt Artist kept pointing to a photo in which she 's sitting on the edge of the steps . " I like how you can see all the silver in my hair . And I like how the wrinkles in my stomach are reflected in the stones . I know women aren 't supposed to like all those lines on their body , but I do . " For the history of the naked blog photo project , go to this page and click on each photo , beginning with the first . Each photo has a link that will bring you back to a post on this blog that tells the story of how the photo was taken . Posted by I teach writing and literature at a small science college in the northeast . My husband and I have four kids , all in their 20s . They were young when I began this blog , but now they are mostly grown up . |
I got a call today from the woman who ( with her late husband ) built our house almost 30 years ago . She is moving out of the area and would like us to have some lamps that they bought for this house when it was first built . She 's coming by tomorrow for a visit and will bring the lamps then . I 'm touched that she wants us to have the lamps . . . I 'll have to find just the right spot for them . ( which might be a challenge for 30 year old lamps ! The kids and I have all been looking forward to today ( them more than me for reasons that will become clear in a moment ) . We were looking forward to heading back to our old neighborhood , the one we moved from a year ago . The kids were crazy excited about getting to stay with Granny ( their adopted grandma . . . one of their most favorite people in the world ) for awhile , and I was slightly less excited about finally keeping an appointment with my doctor for a yearly physical . ( I 'm about two years late on the " yearly " part . . . ) But I just don 't want to take a chance driving when conditions are bad . We live about five miles from the nearest town and for part of those miles I don 't have any cell phone reception . I wrecked my car last year , trying to drive through a storm out here . . . and I 'd be very happy to never repeat that experience again . So we are home for the day . The good news is that we won 't miss a day of school , and this was a good excuse to build a nice fire in the fireplace . There may not be many ( any ? ) more days cold enough for a fire until next fall , so I guess I need to appreciate this last taste of winter . Yesterday was a really nice day . . . First thing in the morning R and I grabbed the wire cutters , the pliers and some wire and went out and fixed the fence . I think it will keep the horses on their own side now . . . It was just a beautiful morning and so nice to spend time outside with R . . . just the two of us . There was a hole in a fence large enough to drive a small car through , but since it was down in the gully I hadn 't seen it before . We repaired the wire and added new wire and it 's probably good enough . I really should put a new fence post or two down there one of these days and really fix it right , but that is going to have to wait until I have more time . We left M at home , which I really shouldn 't do . . . but he was dozing and I was pretty sure he would be all right . After the fence was fixed I took R over to the neighbor who lives just north of us . R was invited over to help her with her horse . They wormed him and groomed him , and then I think D worked him in the round pen while R watched . Then D brought R home again and stayed to visit for a while and see what we 've done with the house . . . In the afternoon R 's friend L came over to play . L lives about a mile and a half east of us ( it was her pony that R was following the evening that we lost her ! ) . L 's mom brought her over and we ended up talking for so long that it was time for L to go by the time we were done . It 's the first time I 've met L 's mom . . . she is a very interesting person , and fun to talk to . . . and I really enjoyed having company twice in one day ! In between visitors , I worked on the house . I finished caulking around the new wood outside , and started painting around the doors and windows . I didn 't get much painting done , but there 's no hurry . . . I 'm just doing the painting on the first floor of the house , we 're going to have to hire someone to paint the high stuff . M is doing a little better again . , although I hate to even say that . . . each time I do he seems to fall apart again . I guess that 's just the nature of schizophrenia . . . ( and something you think I 'd be used to by now ! ) It has been so good lately to see him calm and connected enough to enjoy his days . The huskies have gone home ( hurray ! ! ! ! ! ) . Their owner and I found each other through the county animal services dept ( or whatever it 's called . . . it 's been a long day ) . Unfortunately , before that happened they made the mistake of surprising a skunk in the little pasture and got sprayed . . . both of them . It was even more unfortunate that they surprised the skunk close enough to the house to also fill the house with the overpowering scent of skunk aromatherapy ! The house aired out by afternoon , but it was a really stinky morning around here . We ended up taking Chance the wandering horse home twice today . . . I wouldn 't even bother taking him home any more , except I 'm pretty sure he does think ( as one of my commentors pointed out ) that we are living in his pasture , and just keeping it watered for him . He was in both the front yard and the back yard today ( I opened the back gate to let the dogs in and Chance thought it was an invitation ) , and I 'm feeling a little cranky right now about all the muddy hoof prints on my front sidewalk . ( grumble , grumble , grumble ) Kind of like this . . . . It started Wednesday afternoon when I saw a couple of huskies running loose in the back pasture . I didn 't think too much of it , dogs get loose a lot out here , and by dinner time they were gone . We thought . The next morning as dh was walking out the door for work he called me come look . There were the two huskies , they 'd been sleeping on our front porch , and were so happy to see us ! They seemed to think they were home and couldn 't wait to come in the house and get comfy . Instead of letting them in the house ( and starting an all out war with the golden retriever ) I put them in the little pasture , got them some food and water and hung up some " found dog " signs . I was pretty sure they 'd be picked up right away . . . I knew they 'd been gone from home overnight at least and surely someone would be looking for them by morning ! When I came back in the house from getting the dogs settled , I looked out my back window and found the pony in the back pasture . sigh . . . . ( thinking ) . . . I really should put her in the front pasture until I can take her home again . . . but the front pasture was full of dogs ! So I let her stay where she was , and later in the day R walked her home again . . . Fast forward to this morning . . . The huskies are still in the little pasture , no one has claimed them and I 'm starting to wonder if they were dumped . The kids have already named them ( of course ) and our golden retriever is getting pretty cranky about the lack of attention . ( well . . . as cranky as a golden retriever ever gets . . . which means joyously jumping around smiling and sneezing on everybody without quite as much abandon as usual . And I do think she 's feeling pretty smug about being the only dog allowed in the house ! ) The shetland pony is back in the big pasture again , which means I 'm going to have to go out today to fix the fence ( since it appears our neighbor isn 't going to do it ) , and Chance the wandering horse is in my front yard . NOT the front pasture , mind you . . . the front yard , my tiny little ( sacred ) square of kentucky blue grass in the midst of all this prairie . sigh . . . . I guess I should count my blessings , at least he isn 't up in the flower bed ! M had a better day today . He 's been so unstable lately , that the days have been hard to get him through . But he was calmer , more settled , today . . . and it was a nice break for me . R got school done this morning . . . hurrying through so we could make it to park day . M struggled through school this afternoon . I can 't complaing though . . . there have been more than a few days lately when he 's refused to do school at all ! It was so nice to go to park day again . Because of the problem of A making fun of M , it 's been at least a year since we went and played in the park with the rest of the group . It felt so good to talk to the other moms , and watch the kids play . Well , we made it through our trek to Children 's s Hospital yesterday , but I think we 're all feeling a little battle scarred and weary today . We left here about 10 : 45 , and stopped for a quick burger ( and a chance for the little ones to play ) at McD 's on the way to the hospital . We got to the hospital about 12 : 30 and had enough time to stop in the lab first to pick up more blood draw supplies . M has had his blood drawn for so long ( 3 + years of weekly or bi - weekly blood draws ) that we are almost " family " at that lab . M headed straight into the back of the lab to say hello to his friends , and fill them in on what he 's been up to lately . They all commented on how much he 's grown , and how deep his voice is becoming and then ( after hugs all around ) we headed up to cardiology . Part of the reason I began drawing M 's blood at home is because about six months ago , R started becoming very anxious about going into the hospital . She became very worried about picking up germs , or seeing vomit . . . and it got so bad that she was refusing to walk into our small local hospital for M 's blood draws . At that point she still seemed ok with the bigger children 's hospital though . Unfortunately , R 's fear of hospitals seems to have generalized to the children 's hospital now too . . . and she was very anxious and unhappy about being there ( and made sure she had plenty of hand sanitizer on her hands at all times ! ) . Anyway . . . R was very uncomfortable in the cardiology waiting area , and between M 's " normal " instability and R 's anxiety they spent the half hour or so that we were waiting , picking at each other . Luckily the grandkids were pretty happy just playing with the toys there . . . The appointment itself took about two hours . . . They did another EKG and an echocardiogram and everything looks fine . M will still need to wear the holter ( 24 hour ) monitor once a year or so , but his heart seems to be doing fine with his rapid heart rate . By the end of the two hours , M was extremely unsettled ( tearing the exam table paper into little shreds and tossing it around the room , restlessly wandering the halls ) and J ( youngest grandchild ) was practicing his new shriek . . . ( while I was trying to mentally figure out how much it might cost to charter a helicopter to get us home again . . . I was pretty sure I wasn 't up for the drive ! ) When I first began blogging , I wanted to think of a name for my blog which captured our home . For me , as a stay at home , homeschooling mom . . . home is the hub that the rest of life revolves around . Home is my workplace , my vacation and relaxation spot , my recreation area , and my refuge . So I choose the name Woodstone Prairie for that first blog ( and my other blogs since then ) . The word woodstone comes from the petrified wood that is so easily found on our land . We have found dozens of pieces of it since moving here about a year ago . We have a fireplace in our house made entirely of petrified wood that was found when they dug the foundation for our house ( back in 1977 ) . Woodstone also represents the house itself . It 's a log home that we are working to repair and restore after it was sadly neglected for many years . The second part of the name Woodstone Prairie is easy . We live on five acres of never - worked prairie in Colorado . Except for being drier , this land looks much the same as it did 100 , 200 , even 500 years ago . Deer , coyote and foxes are frequent visitors as are eagles , hawks , and many other smaller creatures . We have a busy day planned for today , I 'm tired just thinking about it . . . M sees his cardiologist today , so we 'll be heading up to the children 's hospital near us ( about an hour away ) for that . M has tachycardia from his schizophrenia meds , and it 's bad enough that he takes another medication to slow his heart back down again . I keep track of his vital signs at home , and periodically the cardiology unit mails me out a holter monitor which records his heart rate for the time he has it on ( usually 24 hours ) . When the 24 hours are up , I disconnect the leads and mail it back and they check the results to make sure his heart is ok . Back around the first of the year , his heart rate was way too fast for a while . . . so I requested the monitor and called for an appointment . They sent the monitor out right away , but this was the first appointment they had available . Sigh . . . . it 's a good thing M didn 't need to be seen very quickly ! ! His ( pediatric ) cardiologist is very good though , and always shows up on the lists of the " top docs " , so I guess he 's worth waiting four months for . ( maybe . . . ) It 's tempting to reschedule the appointment though . . . M 's heart rate settled back down again a couple of months ago , but unfortunately he hasn 't settled down from the holiday yet . He 's still really unstable and has been very volatile and difficult to manage for the past couple of days . I 'm not looking forward to the long trip into town ( or the wait to see the doc , or the wait for the EKG . . . ) . I 'll also have my grandkids with me today , which makes things a little more complicated ( haha . . slight understatement ! ) They are 3 yo and 1 yo and extremely wonderful ( but VERY busy ) kids . So I 'll have four kids to shepherd through that huge hospital . . . two tiny ones , one very unstable one , and poor R who is going to have to be the " big kid " today and help with the grandkids . Luckily she 's wonderful with little kids , and loves to be my helper . . . While we 're at the hospital , I 'll need to stop in the outpatient lab and pick up more blood draw supplies . Drawing M 's blood at home has been one of the best things I 've done . . . It 's made life so much easier in many ways . I 'm almost out of the little tubes though , so I need to stop and pick some more up . Yesterday evening was fun . . . It was cold here yesterday , and we see deer more frequently when it 's cool or rainy outside . We had just sat down to dinner when I saw a herd of deer in the neighbor 's pasture . I was excited because it wasn 't the herd that usually hangs around our land , it was the herd with the albino deer that I first saw several months ago . I was happy to see the that little white deer had survived . . . with no camouflage he has no way to hide from the coyotes . I took a few pictures of him , and then dh spotted one of the eagles ( ? ) we 've been seeing off and on . It 's a beautiful bird , and through my binoculars it looks like an eagle , but I 'm not sure . . . and I can 't get close enough for my camera to get a good picture of him . ( I even trudged out through the back pasture last night , binoculars and camera in hand , wondering how to sneak up on a huge bird sitting on top of a telephone pole ! I think it 's impossible . . . ) Whew . . . it 's been a long day . I should be getting Easter basket stuff together , but I 'm tired and sitting here at the computer is about all I have the energy for right now . I hate holidays sometimes . . . the excitement and anticipation are hard for the kids to handle and that ends up making holidays really difficult for everyone . M 's mood has been up and down for days , and he 's hallucinating more again too . He 's been so frightened the past two nights that he 's been afraid to sleep alone , although eventually he does drift off to sleep and sleeps through almost until morning ( bad dreams tend to wake him up around 4 : 00 , but I can usually get him back to sleep pretty easily ) . R is struggling a lot more with OCD issues , which makes her pretty unhappy too . I read once that OCD is an especially difficult disorder to have because , even while you feel compelled to do certain things over and over or are having the same thoughts over and over , you know that what you are doing makes no sense and would like very much to be able to stop doing it . That is certainly the case with R . She tries very hard to ignore ( or make sense of ) the intrusive thoughts and repetitive actions . . . it 's almost impossible for her right now though . I 'm hoping that once the Easter excitement is over , both kids will settle down again . The kid 's pdoc came for a visit yesterday . This isn 't usually something she does . . . normally I take the kids to her office for their appointments , just like any other doc . But she asked if she could make a " home visit " , and I said that would be fine . She said it would be helpful to her to see the places the kids talk to her about , and to see the kids in their own home . I wasn 't sure what to expect . . . I was guessing she 'd spend 20 minutes or so with each of the kids , and then leave again . I was surprised when she stayed for over two hours , and even had lunch with us ! She was an incredibly good sport . . . she followed R across the back pasture , down into the gully , and even squeezed through the barbed wire with her to visit thePosted by 1 . . . . . stupidly letting the @ # & % # drill slip into the side of my finger yesterday . I 'm sure my finger will heal more quickly then I 'll forget the importance of being very careful around power tools . 2 . . . . the seller of this house NOT disclosing that the house needed tens of thousands of dollars worth of repairs . We never would have bought it had we known , and would have missed living in a house that suits us well , on land that we love . 3 . . . . the nasty pink carpet that this house came with . ( and would have been torn out a year ago , except all our money has gone into more necessary repairs ) I 've discovered the joys of having carpet that you don 't care about ( " Muddy shoes ? No problem . . . come on in ! " ) and have found that pink carpet hides dirt really well . 4 . . . . the kid in our homeschool group who picks on M . Without the latest incident , I wouldn 't have received the private emails of support and encouragement from other group members , and wouldn 't have written " tightrope walking " which was good therapy for me . I also wouldn 't have been motivated to look for other resources and might have missed learning that a new homeschool group is starting in the town closest to us . 5 . . . . sigh , this is a hard one . I would give anything for M 's schizophrenia to be gone ( or even just a little better ! ) but I am thankful for the lessons it 's taught me , like patience , acceptance , and the value of each person . . . regardless of whether they " fit " into society as smoothly as many of us do . It has taught me that the brain is a wonderful , amazing , and sometimes terrible thing and that the human spirit is more powerful than the most severe psychiatric illness . It has taught me to appreciate the little things , and has brought many wonderful people into our lives . . . people we wouldn 't have known otherwise . It motivated us to move to the country . . . a move that has been wonderful for all of us . And finally , it 's taught me to trust God to take care of us . . . even when the situation looks hopeless . It 's been an especially nice week so far . . . The weather has been beautiful and we 've been spending lots of time outside each day . I 've been raking up the last of the construction garbage . . . little bits of rotten wood , insulation , screws , pieces of lathe , and lots of cigarette butts ! ( blech ! ) R has been riding her bike or playing with the neighbors horses while I work , and M has been enjoying just sitting and reading in the far back part of our minivan . He opens the hatch , and settles himself in and seems very happy there . He says he feels " safe " tucked back in there . I 'm noticing more times when he seems anxious and almost a little paranoid . . . I hope it 's just a temporary thing and not a sign of things to come . R and I took a break from raking ( me ) and pretending to be a horse ( R ) and went searching for owl pellets yesterday . We went to a wonderful class about owls a few weeks ago , and part of the class was getting to dissect owl pellets . After wandering around both pastures looking underneath utility poles and trees , we finally found some pellets up on the hill under one of our big evergreen trees . The pellets are much smaller than the barn owl pellets , and we don 't know what kind of owl they came from . We aren 't dissecting these ( they went straight into our little " natural history museum " in the classroom ) , because we have no way of sterilizing them . . . the ones we dissected during the owl talk had been autoclaved . I understand you can bake them in the oven to sterilize them , but it tends to fill your house with a really disgusting stench . . . so I think we 'll pass . I can just see dh coming home from work , wrinkling his nose as he walks in the house and asking " did you burn dinner ? " and having to tell him our house is full of the tempting aroma of owl vomit baking in the oven ! R also found an arrowhead on our walk , which was cool . M found one last summer , so I 'm glad that R has one of her own now too . Although it feels like gardening weather , I 'm holding myself back for a few more weeks . ( I 'm sure we 'll have more snow before spring is really here . . . ) I 've got plans for a small kitchen garden just off the back porch . . . hoping that the deer will be less likely to think of our garden as a buffet , if it 's right next to the back door . I think I 'll use the garden area in the little pasture for pumpkins , zucchini , etc . After many years of living in the same house in the city , we decided it was time for a drastic change . . . a move to the country . After a crazy few months of looking at houses , and getting our old house sold , we ended up with a fairly narrow window of time to actually get ourselves moved . We had to give possession of our old house to the new owners just three days after getting possession of the new house . ( That seems like plenty of time now , but remember we were moving 18 years and 5 kids worth of stuff ! ) As the date for the move got closer , the weather reports were forecasting a snow storm for day two of our three moving days . As the day got closer the forecast got more ominous . . . it was supposed to be a huge storm , and dump lots of snow . Hmmm . . . what to do ? We decided to really push to get everything to the new house on day one . . . just in case the weatherman was right . We didn 't want to have to deal with getting moving trucks through deep snow . . . April 6th of 2005 was a beautiful day . . . We had lots of help coming , and I had the old house completely packed and ready for our " movers " ( friends and family ) . The entire house was empty and all our things loaded into trucks by mid - afternoon . We filled two 24 ' moving trucks and a long horse trailer ( with stuff from the garage ) . The new house is about 25 - 30 miles away from the old house and by the time we got there it was late afternoon and still warm , but the wind was starting to pick up . We quickly unloaded the house stuff into the garage , and the outside stuff into the barn . As we unloaded the temperature was dropping by the minute . . . When we finished , the garage was absolutely stuffed full of boxes and furniture . . . there was just a narrow path through the garage to the door into the house . . As soon as we unloaded , M , R and I went to a motel about 20 minutes away ( so we could have beds ! ) and dh and older daughter K went back to the old house ( because they didn 't mind sleeping on the floor ) . The storm started during the night sometime and when I woke up the next morning I could hear the wind outside the motel room window . I pulled back the heavy drapes but couldn 't seem to get ahold of the white sheers that still covered the window . It took a minute to realize that the sheers were already pulled back , but the air outside was so thick with fine flakes of snow that it was like trying to see through sheer white curtains . It was still very early , hadn 't been snowing too long , and there wasn 't much snow on the roads yet . So , rather than risk getting snowed in at the motel ( at $ 100 . a night ! ) , I decided to head to the new house . It wasn 't that far , and most of the way was on main roads . . . so I thought we 'd be fine . The kids and I checked out , and headed east . The roads were slippery , but the snow wasn 't deep and the visibility was ok . I crept along ( I hate driving on ice ) and was about a third of the way there when the back end of the car just started moving sideways ( seemingly on it 's own ) . It was the strangest feeling . . . the back end of the car was moving sideways , gathering speed as it moved in a circle , and eventually the front end just followed it around . It felt as though neither the brake nor the steering wheel were attached to anything . . . I couldn 't stop the slide . We went up and over the median ( mowing over a bunch of evergreen bushes in the process ) onto the wrong side of the four lane road , then . . . still spinning , up and over the median again ending up back where we started ( even facing the right direction ! ) . We sat for a minute , while I calmed the kids ( and myself ) and then I tentatively put the car back into gear to see if it was still drivable . It WAS ! It drove funny though , so I stopped and quickly checked it . . . no flat tires , no obvious damage . . . so we kept on going . It was such a strange drive . . . the farther east we drove the worst the blizzard got . I could see nothing but white at times , and we were almost the only ones on the road . We made it through the little town closest to the new house , and started up the hills leading to the house . The car still felt funny , but it just kept moving ( and I just kept praying ) . We were about 2 miles from the new house when the car stopped . It was still running but would no longer move forward . We were out in the country by now , and I was pretty worried . It was just the kids and I . . . in a broken car , in a howling blizzard . . . and my cell phone didn 't have any reception . Within just a few minutes though , I saw a big SUV heading towards us ( from the direction we were going ) and flagged them down . The woman driving said she 'd turn around and come back for us . While she was gone I backed the car off the road ( it would still go backwards ! ) . The kids grabbed their overnight bags , and I grabbed M 's meds , and we jumped in the SUV . As it turned out , the woman who stopped lives in our new neighborhood . She had left to go to town , but had decided to turn around and go back home when she saw how bad the snow was . Had my car stopped any sooner , she would have already turned around and missed us . . . By the time she dropped us at the new house , it was more than four hours after we 'd left the motel for the 20 minute drive to the house , and the snow was about a foot deep . We ran down the driveway and into the garage , then found the light switch and wound our way , through the boxes and things , upstairs and into the house . The house was cold , but I turned up the heat and we finally warmed up . I tried to make a fire in the fireplace , but the wind was blowing so hard that it was blowing down the chimney and I couldn 't get a fire started . That first morning we had a " breakfast " of sprite and chips that had been leftover snacks from the day before . Then I started digging around and found a box of pantry food , a tiny TV set , a radio , and an old plug in telephone . That gave us food , a way to check on the weather , entertainment for the kids ( kind of . . . the TV had no antenna ) and I was able to call dh and let him know that we were ok . We were snowed in for 2 days before dh and K could make it to the house . During that time I unpacked some boxes , and moved some of the smaller furniture into the house . We ate a lot of instant oatmeal and canned soup during those days , and slept together on the floor . The kids still enjoy talking about " camping out " here at the house . . . When I finally got my car dug out and towed to a repair shop , we were told that I had a broken axle from the accident , and it had also caused other major problems in the rear end . They were surprised that I was able to drive it at all after the axle broke , and were really surprised to hear it had gone another 10 miles or so . They said the rear wheel really should have fallen off . . . ( I 'm thinking it took several " every day " miracles to get us home through that storm ! ) Oh yesterday was a long day . . . . I had it in my head that I was going to get the wood preservative on the new wood trim on the house . At first I didn 't think it would take too long ( maybe I could get most of it done during quiet time ) . There is heavy , rough - cut lodge pole pine trim around the front and back doors , the patio door ( out to the deck ) , five windows , and a couple of trim pieces . There are also bigger timbers , of the same wood , above the garage doors . As soon as I started working I could see this was going to be a bigger job than I thought . Because the wood is rough , it was hard to get the oil into it . . . and I had to really load up the brush and go over it several times ( splattering myself with wood oil in the process ) . The trim looked so nice with the oil though , that I was really motivated to keep working . I did the back door , then stopped and we did school , then I started working again . The kids turned into total couch potatos , while I kept working ( R had checked out the whole set of the Black Beauty series , on DVD . . . and they watched hours of it yesterday while I worked ) I was still working at dinnertime ( and the kids kept anxious asking what I was making for dinner ) so I called dh on his way home from work and had him pick up McD 's so I could keep going . By the time the burgers got here , I only had one window left . . . the one in R 's room . It 's on the second floor , but the porch roof is right below it and I thought I could just sit on the roof to reach it . Despite contorting myself in countless different ways , trying to reach all the trum without falling off the ( very steep ) porch roof , I was never really able to get the wood soaked with oil . Unfortunately , during my contortions the pail of oil fell over and rolled down the roof ( luckily it was almost empty ) so I had to stop anyway . I should go to town today and get another gallon of oil , so I can finish up R 's window . . . I 'm just not sure I 'm up for crawling out on the roof again . . . Posted by Since moving to the country , I 've sometimes gotten the feeling that , if I 'm not very careful , the wildlife around here are going to take over , and push us right out of the house . I 've felt that way several times this past week . First we 've been having fairly regular blackbird visitors . . . There seems to be a hopelessly clumsy pair of blackbirds trying to build a nest on the top of our chimney . One or the other of them ( and sometimes both ! ) keep slipping down inside the chimney . Eventually , after fluttering around in there for awhile they hit the damper hard enough to open it and they drop into the fireplace . I 've tried several different clean ways of getting a bird from a fireplace to the outside without spreading a lot of ashes around . . . but it seems impossible . As soon as I open the fireplace doors even a crack , they come darting out . . . swooping through the house , crashing into windows , while the kids and I run around opening doors and trying to herd the bird towards the open door and freedom . \ I can tell you it 's really an exciting way to start the day ! We also have woodpeckers . . . lots of them . . . . and they all seem to be looking for love , right here at my house . Prime courting time seems to be about 5 in the morning , when they start happily tapping out their love songs on our metal chimney caps . Their tapping for love sounds a lot like someone has placed a large generator on my roof . . . turned it on . . . and the throttle is stuck on high ( taptaptaptaptaptap ) . Keep in mind that we have two chimneys , one on each end of the house , so we sometimes even get that woodpecker rap in stereo ! Hopefully they will all find mates soon . . . although their tapping does work well as an alarm clock ( if you want to get up at 5 : 00 ! ) This morning it wasn 't the birds or other wild creatures that were keeping life interesting . . . it was Chance the wandering horse . He lives next door , but seems to be a literal believer in the grass being greener on the other side of the fence . . . so he often finds his way through the barbed wire into our biPosted by By the time our son , M , was 5 he had been diagnosed with FAS ( fetal alcohol syndrome ) , ADHD , and sensory integration dysfunction . During his first few years he needed occupational , speech and physical therapy . Once a child turns 3 , those services are most often provided through the schools ( unless you have insurance that will help pay for a therapist in private practice , and even then it 's still very expensive ) . During those early years , we were lucky to find a small , private therapeutic school where I was offered a job in the classroom and could stay with M ( I worked in exchange for his tuition ) . By the time he turned 6 however , he 'd outgrown that program and needed to be " transitioned " into public school . The next year was a nightmare . He was bright and able to learn fairly easily , but couldn 't cope with the sensory overload of the classroom , and was just different enough for the kids to pick on him . He had no friends , and was terrified of school . He understood enough to realize that he wasn 't able to cope with the classroom environment . . . but he didn 't know how to " fix " the problem ( which , of course , was unfixable ) . He couldn 't keep up with the teaching , couldn 't manage the noise and commotion of a busy classroom and because his disability is " invisible " the school thought he just needed to " try harder " , totally ignoring his three . . . very real . . . diagnoses . The longer we homeschool , the more strongly I believe it is , without question , the very best option for my children . Not only is public school a difficult and often painful and damaging experience for children with special needs , it is also only occasionally about what is best for the child . . . most often it just boils down to dollars and cents . Some people see homeschooling as being isolating . . . the most " self - contained " of special ed environments . But I 've found that homeschooling is really the only " fully inclusive " educational environment available to my children . They are fully included in our homeschool group and in the community . . . which is almost never the case for a child with special needs in public school . They feel good about themselves , and they are learning how to function in the world . They have not spent years comparing themselves with a classroom full of peers , which would only serve to highlight their " differences " . M and R are learning to be good , caring , moral people . . . rather than learning problem behaviors from other kids in schools . ( children with FAS are extremely vulnerable to peer influences . . . and often pick the most disruptive child in the classroom to emulate ) M was diagnosed with schizophrenia 4 years ago . . . Because of the severity of his illness , if we weren 't homeschooling he would surely be in some type of long term day treatment program . It 's likely that the doors to his " classroom " would have locks , he would witness " take downs " on a regular basis , and the order of the day would be " behavior management " and not working to help him hold on to the wonder of learning new things . |
Last year this was one of my hardest times of my life . September 3 , I started the day excited . I was having my first ultrasound . We thought I was about 9 weeks pregnant but weren 't sure on dates so my doctor had me going to an ultrasound . I was finally going to find out my due date and see the little person growing inside of me . When I went back to get my ultrasound I was so excited , a little nervous because I hadn 't been feeling sick much but didn 't actually think anything serious was wrong . When the tech looked I knew something was wrong . I watched the screen and just knew . The sac was empty . There was no baby growing where a baby should be . He tried an internal ultrasound hoping that the baby was just in a different angle . But still nothing . He said it was a blighted ovum . I had heard the word before but I had no idea what it meant . I sat there crying , all alone . And then had to go out into the waiting room where my kids were and wait , in a room full of pregnant women , for the tech to get my dr on the phone to find out what they wanted me to do . Waiting for what seemed like forever , holding back my tears , not wanting to say a word to Tyleigh because I knew I would break down crying . When we left I tried to tell her and just cried . My doctor wanted to see me so I had to then drive there . And called my husband to tell him . I couldn 't believe this was happening . I never expected this to happen . We lost our first baby in Feb 1998 , so many years ago . I had 6 healthy pregnancies since then . Who would think I would lose another ? The following months were even worse though . I bled for months . I had to tell my family doctor I thought I had retained tissues . He dismissed it but agreed to let me get an ultrasound . I was right . For months I was emotionally a mess . My body wouldn 't let go of the remaining tissues and kept coming back with positive pregnancy tests . I felt completely alone . I would talk to my husband sometimes , but after months I worried he was tired of hearing me go on and cry about it . He never said that of course , and always told me to tell him how I felt . It 's something no one could understand . Not only did a have a miscarriage but it wouldn 't end . I cried myself to sleep every night . I started worrying something was wrong with me , more than just the retained tissues , never google when you are going through this . I feared I would never have another baby . Near the end of November I saw my OB . We were going on vacation for two weeks to Florida and I was so afraid of it being a mistake , of something bad happening while I was away . He said he thought things were ending , my hcg numbers were dropping , so slowly , but they were dropping . He wanted me to wait and see if it ended on it 's own . And told me to go enjoy my vacation . That was good to hear because I didn 't want the risk of a d & c anyway . Any trauma to my uterus could cause me to not have a successful following pregnancy . We went to Florida and of course I started bleeding again . Much heavier towards the end of our trip . I kept testing and kept getting positives . Finally on my birthday , Dec 14 , I got a negative test . I had never in my life been so happy to get a negative ! I think though , that at that point was when the sadness really came . I should 've been almost ready to have a baby and I wasn 't . April came and my heart was broken . It took a long time to feel like I was healing , finally when May hit I was starting to feel like me again . Although I had ruined all my weightloss from the summer before and gained a lot of weight , I was finally able to not cry every time I thought of that time . I think the hardest part was that the baby never formed and was never there and to me , there was a baby . To my heart there was a little person growing there , so knowing there wasn 't was the worst part for me . We 'd been making plans and talking about names before we found out . We were honestly excited about this new little person . So hearing that there was no little person ever there was the hardest moments of all . I was told so many times , it doesn 't matter that the baby never formed , that to me it was there and it was ok to grieve that loss . I did have some wonderful online friends that helped me through it . But in real life I had to go through the motions of being ok and not breaking down in tears every time I talked to someone . I pretended I was fine and took care of my kids and no one knew otherwise . It was a very sad time for me . It 's not something that is easy to get over . When I had my first miscarriage , I thought that was hard . And it was . But it didn 't compare to my pain this time . Maybe that 's because I knew what I 'd lost , after having babies . Maybe it 's because I am older and worried about the idea of never having another . I can 't say . Near the end of June , right before Father 's Day actually , we got a surprise . We had talked on an off about the idea of having another . The worry of what if we had complications weighed heavily on both of us . Whether we should even try to have another baby . At the time I got a positive , I wasn 't actually expecting it . I 'd had very strange cycles and never even noticed when I ovulated . I can usually tell very obviously . So I was surprised and so excited . I normally tell my husband immediately . But since Father 's day was 2 days away I waited . The wait was killing me . But it was the perfect day to tell him he was going to be a daddy once again . I am now 15 weeks and 4 days pregnant . Where I live you don 't typically see an OB until much later in your pregnancy so I have been seeing my family doctor . He hasn 't been very good about things . Normally you 'd get an early ultrasound after a loss to make sure things were fine but I had to wait until 12 weeks . I was so scared and worried . That day I felt like I was going to throw up , and not because of morning sickness . When I saw my little baby moving and it 's heart beating , a weight lifted off of me and I couldn 't help but cry . I explained why I was so nervous and the tech said the baby had a strong heartbeat . We are all excited about this new member of our family . I can imagine what people say , we have a lot of kids , but I really don 't care . My husband and I raise them , take care of them and love them with every bit of who we are . They aren 't perfect , no one is , and we are doing the best we can . I just hope everyone is as happy for us as they say they are , because this is a life to be celebrated , as all of our babies are . This will be our last baby . That makes me sad . But I know my health is more important . If I didn 't have c - sections I 'd probably have a dozen . When I had my first baby , I found my place in this world . I can 't imagine being anything else but a mom . Sure I have days where I wish I could do something more and maybe someday I will . But these little ( and not so little anymore ) people are my world . Which is also why I know we shouldn 't have anymore . As of my 12 week ultrasound my placenta was anterior and at the top . I go to see my OB next week . I am expecting him to book my big ultrasound and we will know for sure by then what my placenta has decided to do . I have had no issues so far at all . I have been sick for a long time and tired but otherwise everything is going well . I am waiting to see again if that 's still the case . My biggest fear is that it will get stuck to my placenta and put both me and the baby at risk . But for now I am going to enjoy growing this little person , when it doesn 't exhaust me and make me sick all day . I am going to look forward to the day I get to hold him ( no we don 't know it 's a boy but after 4 boys in a row I am expecting it ) . Wow , I didn 't realize I hadn 't written in so very long . Life , you know . Sadness and depression and trying to get past that while still trying to make sure my children are happy . It wasn 't always easy . Since I haven 't written since Dec of last year we had a big move ! We bought my inlaws house and they bought ours . This was the house my father in law built when my husband was 12 . It 's older but bigger . Not in as good of shape as I had thought it was , so we have had a lot of struggles we are dealing with and will be for years to come . It 's outside of town but still with neighbors . I don 't like living outside of town . I miss taking the boys for walks for them to ride their bikes . We have a long driveway that they do ride bikes on and our yard is really big . We got them each a power wheels car and they love them . They drive all over the yard . We have a pool , it 's above ground and the decks are all rotting , unfortunately but Justin loves the pool and has friends over a lot to go swimming . It 's been a big change though going from the house where they could go outside any time to not . It 's not fenced but mostly trees and Riley is 9 so I trust him to go out but not the other two because they could easily go out front and end up on the very busy road . So that 's been a big change for us . The girls each have their own room now . They had been sharing since they were 4 and 2 . I think that was a bit of an adjustment but maybe it has helped them want to talk more . Having a roommate for almost 13 yrs then suddenly not would definitely be different . But they have their own space now and privacy . The 3 boys are still sharing , Justin has a space in the basement for himself though so he sleeps in with Carter and Riley but it 's technically their room . And Mason has his own room still because he is the world 's worst sleeper . We have been trying to work on things slowly , painting , replacing old lights etc , there is just so much to do though and I am afraid it will be very expensive and a long time to do them . My husband is more positive about it than me but I spend more time here . And he has more of an emotional attachment to this house . Right now I don 't know that I want to stay here for many years but that could change in time I guess . I definitely don 't have an emotional attachment to this house like I did our little house . We were there 9 years and my babies grew up there . We long outgrew it and I know that . We needed bigger but I miss it . I miss living in town , walking to pick the kids up from school or just around the block . I miss a paved driveway . I know we had to give some to get what we needed , so we will see where this takes us . It 's been 4 months since we moved and I am still not moved it . I still have boxes all over my bedroom and in closets . Who has time for unpacking when you have a house and children with normal life to take care of ? I will get there eventually … . . Life gets so busy with silly mundane things and my thoughts go by with me taking the time to put them somewhere . I even bought a journal . I wrote in it once . I bought one of those books to record grateful moments , wrote in it once . You see the pattern ? I have been thinking of my Dad a lot . My Dad passed away May 22 , 2012 . I keep thinking about him for some reason , someone comments on a picture of him on Facebook or my kids say something to remind me of him . I think of him anyway but today I have been thinking of his final days . Oh how I miss him . How I miss his voice and his laugh . I miss how he teased me and could always make us laugh . He was never too serious . My Dad had cancer . First it was colon cancer . He had part of his colon removed and went through radiation . It was hard and it sucked but he fought it . He wouldn 't give up . When I would call him and ask how he was , he would always say I 'm still here . I would tell him good and it better stay that way . You never imagine it won 't . The few months before his death I wasn 't there for him , I didn 't call . Family stresses , stupid anxieties of my own . He got liver cancer . He never called me . And that was hurtful and made me upset . But I didn 't call either . And its something I will regret forever . The week before he died I found out I was pregnant with our 6th baby . If I had waited till the day I should have tested it would have been the day I found out he was dying . But 2 days after I found out , we told our kids , my husband went to work , then my sister called . She told me our Dad was really bad . This was a huge shock . I thought he was doing ok . I had to ask her , do I need to come ? They live in Ohio , I am in Ontario , Canada . She said she would ask my step mom . She called me back and said , you need to come . You are never prepared for the death of a parent . We went to see my Dad . He had been in the hospital having stints put in his liver to try and help , they wanted to be more aggressive with the chemo but he was too weak . Nothing was working . I got there and went with my sister on a Friday . Just me and her . I will never forget that day . It was one of the worst days but will always be in my heart . It was moments my sister and I will have forever . My once strong father lay in a hospital bed . He couldn 't move on his own and he was so tired . We spent the day taking care of him . Feeding him lunch , soup and Luigi 's Italian Ice . His lips were so chapped he complained and I let him use my chapstick , it was strawberry banana and he joked he would eat it as he smacked his lips . My sister and I struggled to get him comfortable and move him . We watched him sleep . We each stood by his side as he signed his DNR . That is probably one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced . Seeing that man who I thought would be there forever say he was ready , that he couldn 't do it anymore , the fight was all gone . We both cried . That day was his last real day . He wanted to go home to die . They gave him morphine and he went to sleep , they took him in an ambulance back to his house where we would meet him again the next day . Sunday I had to go home . 3 of my kids were at home and they needed me . My Dad spent most of his day sleeping and would have moments where he would open his eyes and wake up but he was in and out a lot . I stood by his side that day , trying to say goodbye . I knew these were my last moments with him ever . I knew the next time I saw him his spirit would be gone . I sat and rubbed my hand along his arm . I told him how much I loved him . Tears ran down his face and he told me he loved me . Never had I seen my Dad cry . My heart broke when I said goodbye . On Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go pick my kids up from school . Carter was 2 then . He had seen my Dad and talked about him sleeping in the bed at his house while we were there . But he hadn 't mentioned it again . Until that moment , it was about 3 : 20 , he said , " Grandpa 's sleeping . " It caught me off guard . I said , what ? He said it again . I texted my sister and told her , she said , " OMG , Joey ( her 2 year old ) just said someone 's sleeping " Joey had not been at the house to see our Dad like Carter had . I said maybe Dad was telling us he was gone so we were ready . I never thought it was true . About half an hour later I was home and my phone rang . I knew it was my sister . She told me our Dad had passed away at the exact moments our little boys were telling us he was sleeping . People might not believe us but I know it was him . I know he was preparing me . And I was . I cried but I already knew . When Carter was 1 I did lose weight . About 30 lbs . Then My Dad died and I got pregnant and the weight came back slowly , now I am afraid to even weigh myself because I think I am even higher than that weight . I feel like my days go by so quickly when I look back at the past few months . Our lives are so busy . I have a 4 year old . Where I live they have " junior kindergarten . " I don 't agree with … Continue reading → This is something I 've been telling myself a lot lately . Maybe it 's the fact I have a daughter going into 10th grade or my other daughter going into 8th . I think having such a big range in kids gives me a completely different perspective on raising my little boys . Just yesterday those little girls were running around in diapers playing barbies . Just yesterday I put their hair up in pigtails and bought them Hello Kitty dresses . But in reality just yesterday my oldest was still away for the weekend with a friend and her sister complaining I made her go to bed at 10 . And then just today I sit and hold my youngest as he naps because he loves his mama 's arms to sleep and , you know what ? It 's OK . Because tomorrow will come too quickly and before I know it he will be ready for 10th grade . I have struggled with my weight my entire life . Since I can remember really . Its sad that those are some of my earliest memories . My brothers used to tease me about my weight , along with my two front teeth . It made me feel horrible . I wasn 't obese , just a little chubby . My Dad would yell at them and tell them to stop it because if they didn 't I would start to believe them . Once when I was in the 4th grade a little girl came over to me and said something to her friend , not in a whisper , but loud enough that I could hear . She said " See I told you it looked like she was having a baby . " I wanted to run and hide . I did have a little belly , nothing major and surely not enough that I looked like I was pregnant . But those words , even all these years later make me tear up . Kids can be cruel . In high school , I was a good weight , but I had a friend , C we will call her . She was really thin , but not sickly . One day she told me how she made herself throw up when she ate . This was the 9th grade . I didn 't think I could do that , but I started my own bad habits . I would exercise for hours and hours and eat only tiny amounts . I did make myself vomit from time to time . It went on for a few years but I was able to conquer it on my own . I got back to a normal weight , not that I was too skinny but when I look back at pictures of myself I remember my thoughts . I never saw myself for what I was . I saw myself has overweight and awful . I never saw the thin girl that was there . I 'd love to be that small again . But I know I wasn 't really healthy . I was lucky I was able to get past that on my own , so many girls aren 't as lucky as me . After I had my first child I wasn 't terribly overweight . A little pudgy but I wasn 't much above my pre - pregnancy weight . Same with number two . It was after my 3rd that my stomach would never be the same . I had 3 c - section within 4 years and after that 3rd my muscles were ruined . Depression doesn 't help weight loss either . I have not lived near my family in over 14 years . That is not easy for me . I miss them so much . After that 3rd baby we went 4 years before having another . But I was on antidepressants and I was not really a happy person . A few years ago when my 5th child was 1 I started losing weight . I lost almost 30 lbs . But then summer came and the kids were home and my routine got hard and I got lazy . Snacking is my biggest obstacle . I have been trying again , but my ankle makes it hard . It still causes pain and it is a good excuse . I hate the way I look , but more I hate the way I feel . We have to have family pictures taken this weekend . My husband 's family is celebrating his parents retirement so they are having a big family portrait day . I am dreading it . Yesterday I went shopping to find an outfit . I am really the luckiest woman around because despite the extra 30 lbs I weight my husband couldn 't love me more . He tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him but I think he sees me how I used to be and not how I am today . I don 't know that I see myself right either , I have that image of my teenage self in my mind , the one I thought I was obese when I was one of the smaller ones . I think maybe I do see myself wrong , but then I don 't . I see the size on my clothes . I see the pictures when I actually am not behind the camera . I can be the one that 's wrong . Being sleep deprived does nothing for my motivation to work out . Drinking coke doesn 't help . I think its probably one of my biggest challenges . But I don 't drink coffee and when you have a difficult baby like mine that likes to fight you all night long , that little bit of sugar and caffeine helps get you through the day . So today hasn 't been a total failure . Only 1 coke so far . I can do this . Not just for me , but for my kids . Because I need to do this . I am not the kind of person that likes to watch the same thing over and over . My husband can do it . My kids do it all the time . I know most kids do . They like to watch over and over . But there is something that it gets excessive . My children do this . They find a tv show they like and they watch episode after episode over and over . We are now watching Rescue Bots on Netflix for the second time , it has 26 episodes I think . I tell you they would watch it all day long if I let them . Some shows I don 't mind . Rescue Bots though gets to be a bit much . I don 't remember when that show even originally aired . I watched Transformers as a kid . I had a brother . But the far out there missions of the Rescue Bots just have me shaking my head . But these boys seem to love it . They have loved Transformers forever . I feel like that a lot . I look back over my day and think " What did I do today ? " Well , I did take care of 6 children so that 's a start ! But I look around the house and it doesn 't look like anything has been done . Yes I made meals , I may or may not have bathed children 😉 I brushed teeth , drove to and from school , fed the baby , held the baby , put the baby to sleep . Showed the 4 year old how to color or sound out a word , listened to the 6 year old read at bedtime ( and let me tell you I will never tired of listening to those sweet little words ! ) , forced older kids to shower or empty the dishwasher , listened to the teenage daughter tell me all about so and so and who did what at school or cheerleading , washed cloth diapers , tried to wash laundry , put the clean laundry in the basket and never get it folded , load the dishwasher , make sure the cat isn 't starving , trip over a few toys , stumble into my bed and wake up the baby . I have to remind myself that what I do daily may not look like much but when I think about it , it 's huge . I am growing a family , I am teaching these little ( and not so little ) people how to grow into good responsible adults . And that is the biggest accomplishment of all . I have been trying to find the time to write this for a few days now but last week I fell down the stairs ( this was actually the second time in less than a week ) . I sprained my foot and ankle pretty badly . I was convinced it was broken . I couldn 't stop crying . I was going downstairs and my ankle twisted and rolled under me . Luckily I was only a couple from the bottom but the pain was excruciating . I would rank it up there close to a kidney stone and c - sections ! But I had to walk on it . I was getting the little boys ready for gymnastics . Carter is having some issues adjusting so I was not missing it . Tyleigh went with me to help me and every step I wanted to crumble in a ball . I felt like my foot and ankle were going to crack apart . After I finally hobbled in and out we headed home . My husband wasn 't home yet and finally got home around 9 and took me to the ER . It wasn 't broken , but a severe sprain , ordered me crutches . CRUTCHES I tell you . A mom of an almost 1 yr old who is not yet walking unassisted . I was worried . Pretty much I sat and did nothing all weekend . Unfortunately that 's what everyone else did too . So the house kind of fell apart . My poor husband is not made for this , he ordered pizza for lunch and ate what we could , he grilled a bit . By Monday he was supposed to go back to work . But my helpers were all leaving me . Tyleigh had been amazing ! She ran anytime I asked her to get Mason for me , if I said ow , she would ask are you ok ? Every single time . That 's my little mama . So hubby asked his work to reschedule his delivery and they did . The good thing about that was he was able to be home for Mason 't allergist appointment ( more on that later ) on Tuesday morning . His sister had been planning on coming with me but she came over and watched Carter for me instead , and , the best part of all , she cleaned my house . I came home and it was so nice to have the dishes caught up , the floors picked up . I couldn 't help but get weepy . So Mike went back to work after school that day and then Wednesday was hard . I didn 't use my crutches , yes bad patient . For some reason I had it in my mind I would defy the doctors 2 - 6 weeks of healing and be better in a matter of days . I was wrong . I was then in a lot of pain too . So Thursday was my baby 's first birthday and here I could barely stand . I baked him cupcakes . We were supposed to have a little party for him this weekend but because of my accident I had to postpone it till next weekend . He still completely enjoyed those cupcakes . I have never seen him shove so much food in his mouth ! It was adorable . He loved his presents and it was a good day . So this turned into more about my foot than Mason 's birthday . But I have been thinking so much about his birth the past few days . How lucky I am and how special it was . I will write up another post about that though . My ankle is feeling better . I have moments of severe pain and am able to go crutch free mostly . But it gets tired and if I turn the wrong way or put pressure on the wrong spot it sends shooting pains through it all . Its my left foot but driving it irritating it because of the angle it sits I think . I hope it gets better soon . I have 2 parties to do ! Carter will be 4 soon ! |
Matilda had a few days where she refused to go out . Sometimes , I couldn 't blame her - the weather has been a bit variable . Other times , I 've been surprised at her reluctance . She 's been exploring the kitchen a bit more , even reaching the door to the living room at one stage . DH put her back in her pied - a - terre ( p - a - t ) at that point . Today was cold but bright and dry , and I decided she really MUST go out . Fortunately for both of ud , Tilda did choose to go out . She didn 't go over to the netting that divides the " garden " from the " chicken paddock " though , she went and sat near some shrubs in a different part . That was unusual , and I think must reflect her uncertainty about her flockmates . Later - much later - I came into the kitchen . A few seconds later , I had a chicken standing outside the kitchen door , beak apparently resting on the glass . She 'd obviously decided she 'd had enough of outside , thank you . The Creole cakes look lovely . I couldn 't find the bag of pecan nuts , so I had to use toasted almonds instead . I 'm thinking I should probably have skinned the almonds first , but it 's too late now . Another Izzy fit this morning . I woke up and realised something had actually woken me . Rushed out of bed and could hear a noise . It was Izzy 's feet , hitting the ashpan and the ashpan hitting the wall , which had disturbed me . I 'm actually pleased that the ash pan was there , as I might not have heard her otherwise . Later , as she was moving away from the food dish , her front right leg was rigid . At first we thought she must have hurt it in the fit , but I had seen her walk from the hall to the food and her leg had been OK . Izzy could not understand why she couldn 't move her leg . Since yesterday , having run out of any special food , and having rejected the Dodson and Horrel Layers Mash , Tilda is forced to eat normal layers pellets . Her diet has been layers pellets , once - a - day mealworms , and some yoghurt . She 's not too happy about this . Whenever I go past , she rooks through her food cup shucking out the pellets looking for something more interesting . I 've explained to her that I have ordered some alternative mash ( having failed to find any to buy locally ) , and that it 'll be here on Monday . She doesn 't understand . This morning , as I came the stairs , she was in the middle of the kitchen floor bokking loudly . The cats were in the hallway , refusing to go into the kitchen without an armed escort . After her mealworms , I showed Tilda the open back door . She did her occasional trick of scooshing through my legs back into the kitchen . II tried again later , this time she ran back to the sanctity of her pied - a - terre . I realised that there was an expectation that reaching " home " meant I couldn 't pick her up and put her out manually . I have no idea why . It 's cold out , but it 's a sunny morning . She 's looking very perky . Maybe she senses that her time indoors is coming to an end and is trying to string it out ? 8 litres of double cream , all churned , washed , chilled , salted , made into blocks , chilled and frozen . 2 loaves of buttermilk bread made . Much of it has already been eaten , but I 've dried some to make breadcrumbs . I know it 's crazy to make bread to make breadcrumbs , but I 've run out . We 're mainly eating rye sourdoughs , and the crumbs from those just aren 't right for breadcrumbs . Just realised I didn 't make any dough for piadines for tonights dinner , either . Bother ! bother ! ! bother ! ! ! Never mind , the pork will be fine until tomorrow . My usual stockist doesn 't stock it , but would be able to get some . Pets at Home , alledgedly , stock Ex Bat stuff and Smallholder range , so I popped over there at 7pm to see if I could get a small back . No . I did manage to pick up a 5kg bag of Dodson and Horell layers mash - but it wasn 't at all what I was expecting . Instead of little pieces of food , it was a bag of dust . Tilda stuck her beak in the pot , but rejected it very quickly . Not much more I could do at the time , so I made a start on the Christmas cards . I know it 's less and less fashionable to send cards . I don 't send many myself now , usually ( but not exclusively ) I send them to people I haven 't seen and won 't see for ages , just to say hello and that I 'm thinking of them . I found the box of blanks , and the bag with last year 's received cards in , and I spent what seemed like forever cutting out the ones that were suitable for re - use , pairing them with some backing paper and a card . I went through several Pritt sticks . IN the end , I gave up with the sticking and concentrated on the cutting and matching . This morning , I let my finger do some walking , looking for layers mash / crumb . And then I drove to a few places . Nothing doing . Eventually I found a place which stocked Marriages crumb , but I could feel through the bag that it was also very fine . I came home , and resumed the card making . When I got to the point of wishing I 'd just bought cards instead , I stopped . This year , I decided to print inserts and use scanned signatures ( in different colours ) , rather than hand writing a " Merry Christmas " blah blah message in each one . I cur paper to the reuquired sizes and printed off the required number . They they look quite effective , and the " to " bit will still be written by hand ( by me ) . My worktop is now covered in cards waiting to be assigned to people , a task I 'll do this evening . It would , of course , be a darned sight easier ( and cheaper ) just to buy cards . Or to not send cards at all and to make a charity donation . I 'm very happy to receive shop bought cards , and I 'm equally happy if people don 't send cards . I was trying to work out why I don 't just do that anyway now . I think it 's a combination of things : I like the end result of my efforts - I 'm not a natural card maker , and I am fully aware that they all look amateurish . I llike that each card has taken some effort and a lot of thought , and don 't mind at all that the recipients probably don 't give them a thought . The pleasure for me is in the achievement , and in the occasional achievement of making that special match between the cards I 'm making and the intended recipient . A cat one for my cat loving Auntie ; a cat one ( in fact , the one they sent me last year ) to particular friends ; that sort of thing . And I do like the fact that last year 's cards get an extra year 's life rather than just acting as kindling . Will I do it next year ? I did take the opportunity to peek at who was sleeping with whom . Henry and his 6 wives were in the shed . No suprise there , although I had wondered if Nora , Batty and Coffee might be in there too as they are now part of Henry 's flock . In the number 1 coop , Nora , Batty and Coffee were on the roosting bars . Mrs was in the nestbox . And to my surprise , one of the Small Hens was in with her . I couldn 't tell whether it was Siouxsie of NotNorman , and I didn 't want to lift her up to check . Waste : unweighed It went well . The bacon and midweek joints are in their curing mix . We still have to make sausages , and to start the salami . The huge gammon leg still needs boning before we start that a - curing . Shutting in time did not go so well . 6 bowls of porridge , and Tilda wasn 't allowed any . She sat off to the side , waiting . Eventually she crept , bit by bit , to a bowl and started to have a nibble . All was OK until Custard spotted her . Custard raced across the run to peck Tilda very hard on the head . Tilda rushed away , and wedged her hed down by the side of the dust bath - safe from any attacker . I saw this happen , so I went out . I opened the run door to see if Tilda wanted to come out . I stroked her , until her head lifted . Then I moved away , opened the door , and called her . For a second or two , she didn 't move . I got ready to shut the door , then she suddenly stood up and hopped over the threshold and waddled towards the house . I wasn 't actually ready for her in the house . I 've been cleaning the kitchen all day , and I 'd emptied out her pied - a - terre . I quickly set it up , and she walked in and started eating her dinner . Today 's Tildy - bombs were much bigger than yesterday 's , although still small for a well chicken . Happily there were only two . I 've had to put moisturing handwash ( instead of scented ) in the downstairs cloakroom , as my hands are suffering a bit from the constant thorough washing . The toilet roll and Dettox are permanent fixtures on top of her cage . After Tilda had some breakfast , I opened the back door . There is a fierce and cold wind gusting outside , and no sensible chicken would want to be out in it . The other Girls were sheltering under a shrub . Still , I tried . As usual , I walked Tilda towards the door , one of my legs either side of her body . When we got to the doorway she stuck her neck out and stood for ages . I pushed a bit , and waited for her to turn round and run through my open legs . She didn 't . She stayed put . And then - plop ! She jumped out of the door . It was like watching a cartoon , as she waddled , feathers streaming , round to the side of the planter out of the wind . I called her , but she ignored me . I left the door open ( in case she changed her mind ) , and put the coffee machine on . Got up early ( early for me ) as the Tea Man was due . I got downstairs to feed the cats , and Tildawas chatting away to me . I 'd partially shut her door last night , and I think she was objecting to being confined . I gave her some food , made tea for myself and DH . I opened the back door and shuffled Tilda towards it . As soon as I moved forward to encourage her over the threshold , she turned round and pushed between my legs to get back in to the kitchen . I 've been here before . I went upstairs to get showered and dressed . A little later , I tried again . Tilda was still not having any of it . This time she actually toddled back in the safety of the pied - a - terre . I could see I was going to have to physically force her outside . I had to go out . I didn 't want to put her outside while I was out , as I wanted to keep an eye on her interactions with the Mob . For the last week or so , she 's been looking like she 's feeling the weather . She 's been eating , and she 's been coming out of the run and going back in each day , bit she loooks a little fluffed up . I mentioned to DH the other day that she might have to come inside again . He wasn 't amused . This afternoon followed it 's normal - ish pattern . At 3pm , I opened the gate from the Girl 's free range area so they could have half an hour pecking round the bit of garden that is normally off limits . I lifted Tilda over the netting to save her walking around . There was a nip in the air , so I decided I 'd make them some pellet porridge . While it was soaking , I started weighing out ingredeients for bread . As I walked to the cupboard where the flour was , I saw Tilda prostrate on the ground , with Florence pecking at her head , and Custard watching . I ran outside , scooped her up , and brought her inside . She looked OK . I put her on the floor and gave her something to eat . I wasn 't sure what I 'd just seen , so I wasn 't sure what to do for the best . When I told DH , he gave me one of those looks , the visual equivalent of saying " You 're just looking for an excuse " . Then there was this rather unpleasant bit . Florence and Custard walked past he , ignoring her , back to the covered run . At the top of the path , they stopped and turned round . Custard walked back towards Tilda , and Florence went off at an angle , between them making a triangle shape . Custard reached Tilda , and jumped at her . Tilda ran off into the path of Florence , who chased her back . So , I went and retrieved the folding crate , and set up a pied - a - terre for Tilda . This time though , she 's on basic rations . Unlike a year ago , where she was very close to death , Tilda looks full of life . Well , relatively speaking . I 'll let her overnight tonight ( or maybe until after the forthcoming cold snap ) , and then see about putting her back outside again . In the meantime , we had been trying a couple of short term adjustments - in anticipation of them being replaced - such as trying out a new breakfast bar area with a bit of worktop we bought locally via Ebay . We sold the table , as we didn 't think we 'd need it . Then this temporary fold up table came along , with the plan of it living under the worktop ( where we had temporarily put a huge cupboard to store glass jars and butchery bits ) when the kitchen was redone . I came across an Ikea Hacker website , and saw something that looked like it could be a really neat solution , the lady called it her " Appliance Garage " . http : / / www . ikeahackers . net / 2013 / 03 / kitchen - appliance - garage . html We measured and decided it wasn 't quite going to work , and we looked for alternatives . The next chunk of this tale is a dull story of discussions , Internet searches , and many many arguments as we tried to work out what to do . I 'll fast forward over that part of today . The glass shelf , which is extremely useful but so high up that it - and anything on it - gets covered in crud - remained in place . We discussed the optimum height of the mangnetic knife rack . " I need to think about it " , I said . No day is a good day for Ikea , they are just different shades of bad . Saturday and Sunday are possibly the worst . So , it would have to be today , or it would be early next week . The wreckage in the kitchen wouldn 't wait until Monday . I looked at the clock . It was 1 . 30pm . If I left now , I 'd be there by 2 . 15 . If I ambled round the shop , I 'd be leaving at 3 . 15 , and home by 4 . I put my boots on . " What ? ! ? ! " He exclaimed , in a tone of voice that expressed a combination of shock , horror , surprise , admiration , and any other emotion one can thnink of . I think I would have got the same reaction if I 'd say " I 'm popping to my Mum 's for a cup of tea " . My mother lives 4 hours away . The run to Ikea was OK . I parked easily , . The shop was relatively empty . I toyed with the idea of going straight to the pickup area , as I knew what I wanted . But I couldn 't help myself . I had to walk round the shop , just in case . Of course the few people that were in there , were ambling around in groups across the whole of the walkway . I zoomed around , cutting corners to get past them . I stopped once when I saw that therewere some new doors for Billy ; and again briefly at some new wardrobe doors . I reached the kitchen area , slowed down a little to take in what they had to offer , and then stopped and spent a long time looking at one kitchen . This shocked me a bit as I did look in Ikea a year or so ago and didn 't find a finish I liked . And I hadn 't liked this one , back then . I stared at it , trying to work out why I liked it . I spent a few minutes in the kitchen bits section , considering whether to buy some Grundtal things for the kitchen rail . I couldn 't make my mind up . In the end , I picked them up anyway , as I didn 't want to get home and kick myself for not getting them . I reached the Marketplace and got a trolley to hold the items DH wanted . I found a useful clip - on light , at a bargain price , that would clip on to the music stand on Orla . And a bit further on , I found it 's non - clip on but very adjustable brother version . I stood looking at the two packets , trying to work out which would offer the best solution . My brain was befuddled . " Better get it than go home and regret it " I thought . Some square picture frames at a bargain price . Just what I wanted ! Well , almost . I really wanted them a bit smaller . And I really wanted them in a pale woor finish , not white . But at that price - " I can paint them to match the wall " . I had to get help to find what I went in for , I hadn 't seen them in the kitchen section . Turns out they and they were one of the things one has to order at a desk , pay for at the checkout , and then get from the collection point . The man typed in " 1 " . " I need 2 " , I said . Somehow , I bought 3 . I only needed one . But if I had to take things back , I might as well make it worth my while . And , or so I reasoned with myself , I have resisted buying new doors for a cabinet , and new doors for a wardrobe , and goodness knows what else . Ha . at least I hadn 't bought any of the Ikea tat ! The queues at the cashiers were reasonable , and the cashier was a jolly chap . It did take a looooong time at the collection point . I had no idea what the time was . I finally got outside and I was a little surprised that it was still light . I remember that Tildy was looking a little glum . At the time , I wasn 't convinced she was using the feeders properly , and I 'd been out every day putting her on the treadle so she could eat . It was only much later that I caught her on camera using the treadle quite happily . Before I knew what was happening , it was an every day occurence . In a vain attempt to break the habit , I tried varying the times . It didn 't work . Tildy would wait patiently by the door of the run . We 're getting to the end of the bag of Garvo now . She doesn 't eat the pellety bits anyway . I don 't want to be ordering another blooming bag of it . [ I do realise the only way is to just stop it . I am not stupid , just soft ] She didn 't get any the day we went to London . We left too early and came back too late . Yesterday , one week after the London trip , we were going to visit DGS3 . So , I didn 't bring her in in the morning . I shut them away when we went out . We got back at 3 . 30 , and I made the cold - weather - porridge for them . It crossed my mind that she was considering moving back into the kitchen for the winter . It is almost a year since she collapsed in the garden and came to live inside . 3rd December , I believe , is the Henniversary . Later - when she was safely returned to the run - I casually wondered out loud whether Tilda might want to move back for the winter . DH said nothing . Saying nothing said everything . This year I thought I 'd try Suzy Atkin 's recipe . I 've made a few things from her book How To Make Your Own Drinks , ad been happy wiith them . It 's a simpler recipe than I 've used previously , so I hope it 'll be OK . Wth two such great ingredients ( quince , and vodka ) I guess it 's difficult for it not to taste OK . Of course I couldn 't find a jar the right size . Anyway , I ended up using the most enormous ( 3 litre ) jar , a present from frieds S & K some time ago . With hindsight , I coulda / shoulda used several smaller jars , and then I wouldn 't have had to mix the two brands of vodka . Or I could have tried two recipes . And with even more hindsight , I 've just realised that I do have a jar that would have been the correct size . It 's sitting in the fridge with dried fruit stewing in alcohol for an extra cake I 'm making . I 've only just remembered it ( the jar , not the fact that I have fruit in the fridge ) . Oh well . It 's sitting on the worktop , in a bit away from sunlight , so that I can agitate it daily for two weeks , then it 'll go into the utility room for 4 weeks ( or until I remember it again ) . I was already awake , the radio alarm went off at 7 . I heard the noise and realised what it was . I grabbed the videocamera on my way downstairs . Izzy was fitting at the bottom of the stairs . I talked to her and stroked her ( whilst filming her ) , and waited until the fit stopped before turning off the camera . It took her a minute or two to come back after the fit stopped , and I went to get some kiytchen towel to clean her up . When she was back with us , I gave her some cat food . As usual , she was ravenous . She ate two packets ( fed half a packet at a time0 , and would have eaten more if I 'd given it to her . We started at the Science Museum , at the Hadron Collider exhibition . We visited another exhibition while we were there , and then left . DH could have spent all day , but I had other things planned and booked . We 're pretty much out of everything - curing salts , sausage skins , etc - and we 've managed to get our order in with Weschenfelder in plenty of time , instead of at the last minute . In all the time we 've been doing this ( inlucding all the time we were making susages etc before we were getting the pork from Shirley ) , I think this is the first time we 've managed to place an order in good time . Posted by It was a lovely day yesterday . Cold , sure , but sunny and bright . DH phoned to say that he was going to take away the fence separating Henry & Harem , and the Old Girls . We still have to replace the Old Girls coop , and had been waiting until that was done before mingling the two flocks . . . but the weather is due to turn nasty , so DH was thinking he 'd let them mingle anyway . Henry is a really lovely Boy , and he 's very considerate with his ladies . I wondered if the sudden addition of 6 old girls might be a bit much for him . I wasn 't sure what they would think of having a young man suddenly in their midst . They seemed to mingle OK . Fortunately the allotment is big enough that they can keep out of each others way if they want to . OC ( Other Chap ) reported that there was " no bloodshed " this morning , and Henry had been burbling away . The low sun comes streaming in through our south facing windows , and shows up all the dust . And smears . And cobwebs . I 've been round and cleaned , but it 's just impossible . Teh dry - ish weather gave DH an opportunity to put away the temporarily dry garden furniture . The garden is looking very bare now , and the terrace , which is only in full sun at the height of the summer , already has lots of green algae growing over it . I expect it will spread completely over the coming months . The Girls are going to bed earlier , and I 'm having to make sure they get plenty of corn at about 3pm to keep them warm . They are still moulting . It 'll be porridge time soon . Isobel , our cat , had another fit last night . Actually , it was 6 . 30 this morning , which was better than the usual . Unusually , DH heard it first , and it was DH getting out of bed that woke me up . I got out of bed , grabbed my dressing gown , and grabbed the vide camera which we keep upstairs ready to capture a fit for the vet . By the time I 'd opened the flap and found the record button ( which was surprisingly difficult when I wasn 't really awake ) the main fit was over and it wasn 't worth recording the denoument . Turns out the battery was dead as well , so I 've put that on to recharge now . It took her a while to come back to us and , as usual , when she did she was ravenous . She had a whole packet of cat food in two goes . I fed her , while DH cleared up . Then we all went back to bed . It took ages for me to go back to any sort of sleep , and then I dozed until about 9 . 30am . When I got up , my head felt full of cobwebs . Outside , it was a gorgeous sunndy day . I opened the french window in the kitchen and brought Tildy in for a snackerel , and I left the door open to air the house . ( The cider from the most recent batch has reached the smelly stage ) . I also opened the french windows in the living room , and I 'm tempted to open the front windows too , especially as I am in the living room . The change in air pressure was a bit startling , like when blocked ears suddenly clear . Speaking of cobwebs , we 've got quite a few rather dirty ones hanging around now . I like to be a spider friendly house , and I don 't really mind cobwebs as such . . . but these are looking a bit grim , so I thnk I 'll have to go and clear them away . Just before my work started , I prepared some dried fruit in alcolhol ( lots of alcohol ) and put it in the fridge to soak . I was making two Creole Cakes ( a la Delia ) , one for us and one for a friend . Delia says to soak the fruit for a week , but I find three weeks with an extra dosing of alcohol at the end of the second week works well . I also had three iced cakes to make and some puddings . On Wednesday last week , I soaked fruit in brandy for the cakes , and made up christmas puddings mixture . I made the cakes on Thursday , they are wrapped and stored , and will be fed with brandy over the next 3 weeks . While the cakes were in the oven , I put the pudding mix into basins and covered and tied them all . This was the first year where I had managed to get all the right sized basins beforehand . Modern basins are slighly larger than 1pt / 2pt . At least , they are if you fill them to the top and , as the puddings shrink anyway , it seems rude not to . I usually find I don 't have quite enough mixture , so I made a little extra this time . I made a bit more " extr " a than I thought , so not only were all pudding basins filled , but I needed to go up from a 3 / 4 pint to a 1 pint basin for us . On Friday lunchtime , I set the puddings to steam for 8 hours . It was relatively painless . When they were done , I set them on cooling racks overnight . First thing Saturday , I took the foil and papers off the now - cold basins , cleaned them up , and re - dressed them . I even wrapped them in cellophane , which I don 't normally do until December . Still on schedule . I 'll need to get some more ingredients , and I 'll make the additional pud ( or puds , I don 't think I can sensibly reduce the recipe quite that far ) next week . On a positive not , the tinies only take 3 or so hours to steam . Posted by She was easy to play , sounded fantastic , had an incredible sound . . . . I wondered if I should have gone for another model . At the time , I didn 't really think I 'd play her much , I just wanted something instead of my C55 . Orla was about as much as I could spend on something that was a bit of a whim and might not get used . But Orla was getting used , played all the time . I wondered if I should have spent more money and got something even better . I looked around . I found what the next few models up were called , and what they were like . And then I decided to do it . And so the men came again , took Orla away and left me with another Orla . Outwardly , she looks the same . A few small differences . A few more differences in the sounds available . Work and family happened , and I hardly played Orla at all . She sat in the smallest bedroom , which we now - tongue in cheek - call " The Music Room " . She sat , barely played , for about a month . The chap who delivered gave me a very detailed introduction , and left me with a manual and a DVD . My brother , who was there to help shuft the old organ , and I sat and pressed keys for about two hours . We couldn 't stop figgling at how clever Orla was . Over the next week , I played Orla every day . I bought new music books , more suited to her . I played , with relative ease , songs I had never played before . I played for hours . Work is in hiatus , so I was trying to tidy up in the aftermath . I spent a few hours yesterday accidentally clearing out my desk area . It doesn 't look any different outside , but it 's much tidier and emptier inside . ] Today , in the search to find Magic Tape to help me wrap Christmas Puds , I ended up clearing out the over - stairs cupboard in the smallest bedroom . It took a couple of hours . A man on a galloping horse ( or my DH ) wouldn 't notice anything different . However , I have got a small pile of stuff to Ebay , the paper - recycling bin is full , and I have an enormous stack of old work papers that I 'll burn on the stove . Looking at the stacks of stuff I 've removed , and looking back at the cupboard , I can 't quite see where it all came from . It certainly wouldn 't fit in again . The Old Girls , who are cockerel - less , seem to be getting on well . A few of them are moulting . Mrs . , is still waddling about . She looks a bit stiff , but her comb is a vibrant red and her eyes are bright . The Dinner Chooks are looking really well . The one who started laying at a ridiculously early age is , we think , one of Spike 's offspring . She 's black like the Wlesh Blacks , but she has a Leghorn comb and tail . We think her mum is probably one of Henry 's wives . Redhead , the cockerel , looks the spitting image of his grandfather , Roo . We all loved Roo , and we have to remember that Redhead might look like Roo , but he isn 't Roo and he doesn 't have Roo 's amazing temperament . We still haven 't moved the new hen house down to the allotment . It needs vents putting in , and a combination of work , family commitments , and bad weather have meant it 's been sitting outside doing nothing for a couple of months now . Any spare time has been taken up with doing the apples , or raking the garden , or other can 't - wait activities . We are probably going to try and combine Henry 's flock and the Old Girls flocks for the winter . We wanted to get the new hen house down there and the Old Girls using it before we did so , so we 'll need to get on with it soon . We can then separate Henry and a hand picked selection of hens in the spring to breed from , putting them all back together again once we 've hatched . At least that 's the plan . The current plan . It would be good to have some baby Normans . Norman ( and sisters Siouxie and NotNorman ) are getting on a bit now ; same age as Mrs , but bearing it much better than her breeding lets her do . I 'm not sure what Norman x Henry would be like . Better than having no Norman at all , I think . Family stuff provided part of the busy and most of the stress . Work provided the rest of the busy . I would describe myself as a part time worker , but not in a conventional way . I work non - stop ( 6 or 7 long days a week ) for about 4 weeks at a time , and then I do nothing at all for a while . I 've just completed my busiest work period of the year . The Garden Girls have been , mostly , quite well . They 've settled down together now that Milly ( the most spiteful chicken ever ) isn 't there . Recently , PMT ( pre / pro / post moulting tension ) has set in , and those affected have become even more loopy than usual . Two ( Custard and Florence ) of the three old girls are moulting . Roobarb , the other old girl , is already pristine in her new feather coat , her comb is red , and she looks rather smug . Custard and Florence 's slower moults mean that they have gone from looking a little worse - for - wear to downright down - and - out . Moulting also seems to have affected their ability to find their way in to the run when I need to shut them in temporarily so I can go out . Lotti , my little exchequer leghorn , bottom of the pecking order , no longer gets particularly bullied . She is able to get into the coop at night , and isn 't showing any outward signs of being pecked any more . She is moulting and is very unhappy about it . She can 't bear to be picked up ( which is understandable ) , and she has gone even more loopy than usual . Her gorgeous floppy comb and wattles are very pale . She won 't come near me . Hope it 's just the moult . Tilda , our special needs Girl , is still living out with the others . She comes in for a snackerel every day , and I can 't believe that it 's almost a year since she collapsed and " died " . She 's not getting overtly bullied by her sisters , but she is low in the pecking order . Overall , aoart from the PMT induced spats , it 's relatively calm . No one is laying . Or at least , if they are , I 'm not seeing any eggs . The only two who could be laying are Poppy and Roobarb , and I am wondering if they are laying somewhere else ( haven 't found a nest ) , or whether their rare eggs are getting eaten ? I 've had to resort to buying eggs . We 're fortunate to have a place with truly free range chickens fairly close by , so I buy eggs from there when I need them . The flooring that DH laid in the run is standing up well . I cleaned them out on Sunday , and it was very easy as there was very little Aubiose to remove . It took very little to provide a new topping too . Posted by Hard disk on laptop corrupted . Fortunately I knew it was going to happen and I take regular backups anyway , so I was able to backup the data changed since last backup , and I was able to identify programs that I use , relevant licence keys , settings , etc . DH installed new disk for me , and it 's taken ages to reinstall everything . I 've been doing some housekeeping as a result , and I came across this poem , stored in a long - forgotten email folder since 2007 . The Dinner chickens were 20 weeks old at the weekend . The Boys have not caused any trouble yet , partly because we deliberately hatch late and partly because we had a very early developing cockerel who has acted as Cockerel since he was about 6 weeks old . However , that lack of aggression can change overnight . We 've found that out before with a bunch of Dinner boys a few years ago , where they were all getting along together remarkably well until suddenly they weren 't . We had to separate them off quickly back then , as it isn 't fair on the Girls . We ; ve seen a bit of squaring up recently . They are still juvenile enough that they don 't know what to do and both end up running away , but it won 't be long . So , we decided that this week would be the week we culled the first lot . We have 11 Dinners , and we decided to take 4 boys this time . We agreed that Red would stay for now , no point making a space for another cockerel to fill , and the 4 biggest boys were taken out . This leaves Red , at least one ( maybe 2 ) cockerels , and 5 or 6 Girls . Hopefully the forthcoming cold weather will help keep the other cockerel ( s ) under control until we 're ready to do the next batch . We also removed Spike , so the Oldies are currently cockerel - less . It will be interesting to see if they seem bothered by it . He wasn 't a very generous cockerel , but I do remember that he got them all ( apart from Mrs ) up on the roof of the coop . Still , it may not be for long . We 're probably going to remove the netting which separates the Harem and Oldies for the winter . It was my turn to see to the allotment chickens today . I took some rinsed tuna , and some mealworms . I gave the tuna to those in Henry 's harem who were moulting . I took them , one at a time , off to their shed to give them a once - over to check they were OK , During all of this , I kept an eye out for the Potential Bully . In fact , she was one of the moulters , and I put a ring on her so that there would be no risk of confusing her with any of the others . She had a bit of a pull at the yellow - ringed - and - saddled Girl - YRaSG - ( one of the ones she had a pull at on Saturday ) , but was otherwise OK . No one else picked on YRaSG . If we weren 't planning a cull shortly , I 'm not sure that I 'd be ready to make that decision . However . Henry was actually only meant to have 3 wives , but we somehow didn 't get round to culling the last lot of Girls . He has plenty . He may soon have a lot more if we decide to combine flocks for the winter . But the real reason is what happened with Milly . Now she was in a different bullying league , I know . But it took a long time and a lot of heartache to make the decision , and it was a decision that I should have made earlier . Things are much better without her . I arrived , opened up , and Henry and his Harem poured out to have a munch on the grass . One of the harem , NoRing , launched herself at one of the saddled girls . And a few seconds later , did it again , this time pulling a feather from the poor Girl 's shoulder . I picked up the saddled girl and checked her over . She looked like she was moulting , but I was concerned that she was perhaps unwell , and the others were attacking her . She looked OK , so I put her down , and none of the others gave her a second glance . So , the problem was with NoRing , not with the saddled girl . I picked her up and checked her over . She was moulting herself , and was quite hot , but there wasn 't anything obviously amiss . I put her back down . Maybe she 's having a crabby day ? If we see more of this behaviour in the next few days , I 'll separate her from the others . If that doesn 't work - well , she 'll have to go . My experience with Milly ( my superb * tch chicken ) has taught me that if it needs doing , it 's better to just get on with it . We 're culling some cockerels for the table shortly and , if she does carry on , she 'll join them . I got up very very late . I 'd had a bit of an interrupted night . I 'd had cheese on toast for my dinner last night ( DH is away , and I end up eating some odd things at odd times ) , which augered an approaching migraine . My cheesey induced dreams were bizarre , involving me meeting Tom Kerridge by winning a competition , but incorrecly thinking that the prize was a meal at his restaurant in Marlow but was instead a normal meal in a normal pub . Actually , thinking about it now , that dream seems to have been on repeat last night , I got sutck in it a la Groundhog Day . Sorry , I digress . I was rescued from embarrassement by hearing Isobel meowing pathetically . I leapt out of bed because this has been a sign that she 's had a fit . I couldn 't find any evidence of a fit , and she didn 't look like a cat coming out of a trance . I stroked the cat and went back to bed . Next , still stuck in my Tom Kerridge embarrassement , the chicken alarm went off . I woke up with a start , saw it was 7am , and attempted to spring out of bed . It wasn 't really a spring , it was a bit pathetic really . Anyway , I got out of bed , looked out of the window , saw them all standing to attention and shrieking . Dressing gown on , ran downstairs , unlocked the bck door , ran out to see what was happening . Which was nothing . Eventually , I decided I really had to get up . It was my turn to see to the Allotment chooks . I decided the best thing would be to have my shower , shut the girls away , go and do the chickens , then come back and have brunch . I reluctantly pushed the cats away , and got up . 11 . 15am . Out in the garden , shutting the Girls away , I coudn 't find Lotti . I called and called . Nothing . I looked in all the hiding places . I decided she was just in another hiding place , and I 'd leave her to it . . . but I couldn 't . I painstakingly looked everywhere , including standing on a chair so I could do a quick sweeo if next door 's garden , and looking through the gate down the driveway . I combed every bit of the garden . I checked the house . I realised that Lotti really wasn 't in the garden anymore . Lotti was sitting in a Vinca bed , by the cat flap . I went over to her , she crouched , and just as I went to pick her up she ran off - straight back through the hidden gap in the trellis that the cats used to get from front to back . She left an egg behind . Later , at about 6 . 30 , we had a cacophony of panicked hens at about 6 . 30am . I leapt out of bed , as much as it was possible in my sleep - disturbed state , and rushed to the window . I couldn 't see a fox , I opened the window and " shussed " very loudly , but they carried on . I ran downstairs and opened the back door . All the Girls were in Alarm Positions on various perches in the run . I then saw a cat - the cat - streaking across the garden . I called it , and it was meowling pitifully . I grabbed cat food and a bowl , and went out the front , calling it . I put the food down and she gobbled it all up . She was a very hungry cat . I stroked her , and she purred . It was tooo early to take her to the Vet , so I went back in the house and left her , thinking that she might come back if she was still hungry . At 10am DH announced that " my friend " was back at the front door . I went out with another packet of cat food , I gave her half , which she gobbled down . I phoned the Vet to ask if they could scan a stray and give me the address if she was microchipped : yes , they could do that . DH got the cat basket out of the loft . I gave the cat the second half of the cat food and when she had finsihed , I scooped her up and put her in the basket . She is a really lovely thing . DH marked his territory by telling me that if she wasn 't microchipped , she 'd have to go to the local lost cat place . I said we 'd have to see . We then had one of those mini arguments , where arguing is pointless . We agreed we had to see whether she was microchipped and then take it from there . She was quite good on the way to the vet . She yowled a bit , but she snuggled down in the cat carrier , and was happy for me to stroke her through the bars . In the Vet she was scanned , and then the Nurse went off to call the chip company . I was happy ( and sad ) that she was microchipped . Eventually she came back to tell me that the cat was flagged as missing , and that they were trying to contact her owner . I needed to wait while they did so . I was left on my own for a few minutes , and I felt a bit teary . I could imagine how I would feel if my lost cat was found . . . and I was sad that I wouldn 't be adopting her after all . Jess 's owner apparently burst into tears when she was told that Jess had been found . She 'd been missing for exactly one month , and she lives in a village about 7 miles from here . I was happy to take Jess back to her mum , but the Vet said that I needed to leave her at the Vet , and the owner would collect from there . ( I imagine there are some catnapping / blackmailing scams that go on ) . |
We were up early this morning , the first time waking to an alarm since we have been here . Everything was pretty much done last night to prepare for leaving , so there was just the last minute packing to do . Funny thing , Sarah was looking around for things we might be forgetting and she found the missing hard drive among the boxes of energy bars we had stacked in the kitchen . We thought it had been stolen from Connie 's luggage ! Ruth was relieved to have it ! Ruth had left her car with us last night so we could haul our luggage to the river . The plan was that Carlos would take us to Puerta Viejo by boat ( a 2 hour trip ) . Ruth would deliver Sarah to La Gata and then meet us in Puerta Viejo where she would leave her car for repairs . She would then board a van with a driver , along with Connie , Kerry , Jerry and I to head to San Jose ( another couple of hours ) . Well , that WAS the plan ! When we arrived at Ruth 's this morning , the river was way up ! It had been high the other day when we took our trip to the farm , but the water was now covering at least twenty more steps on the landing ! Ruth was concerned that she would be unable to make it from La Gata to Puerta Viejo , so she sent Sarah on her own with the car and rode along with us on the boat . We loaded all of the luggage on board and set out on a very fast river ! Last time we were going down river , but this time we were headed against the current . There were downed trees and all sorts of debris in the water . The strength of the river was amazing . If the engine stopped , we were immediately pulled in the opposite direction and it took the full strength of the motor and several seconds before we could regain our direction . Several times Carlos stopped because of the debris , but several other times it was for something more exciting ! Twice we saw monkeys and once we stopped to look at a tree with several iguanas in it ! Carlos is amazing ! He was maneuvering this 30 foot boat through a very fast , high , dirty river and somehow he still managed to find monkeys and iguanas in the jungle along the river . Then he held the boat still ( in rushing water ) so we could take pictures ! Because of the height of the river , we were able to see sights along the river bank that we would not normally see . There were many people out on the banks watching the water rise . They must keep a constant watch so they can untie their boats , move their livestock , or worse . We finally reached Puerta Viejo and our driver was there waiting for us . We said goodbye to Carlos , who would wait there for Ruth , and headed towards the airport . We saw a couple of mudslides on the mountain , but thankfully it was passable ! We stopped at the airport to pick up Josue , a student that Ruth tutors . He is receiving a laptop from the next group coming in . Our driver was taking us to Xandari where Jerry and I will stay for the next couple of days , but she wanted us to meet Josue . He is a very nice young man , we were surprised at how well he spoke English ! We said our goodbyes and they returned to the airport for Connie and Kerry to fly out and to pick up the next group . It was sad to leave them and the luxury of Xandari was making me uncomfortable after the ruggedness we just left . I am grateful that Ruth encouraged us to enjoy ourselves ! We were checked in early and shown to our villa in no time . I immediately took a long , hot shower ! It was wonderful ! The shower is open and separated from the walled garden only by a piece of glass . All of the tile work is beautiful and there are tropical plants everywhere . The resort is owned by a couple of artists and everything is colorful and well designed . There is original art everywhere you look ! Lunch at Xandari is quite different from our home cooked meals at Ruth 's . It was yummy , but I think I prefer Concepcion 's cooking ! We started off with nachos , and Jerry had ham and vegetable pizza with fresh tomatoes , onions , zucchini , mushrooms . I ate a portabello mushroom sandwich with pesto and feta cheese on pesto bread with a side salad . It was all delicious , but more than we could eat ! We took boxes boxes back to the room to finish for lunch tomorrow . We are pleasantly surprised by the meal prices and the view from the balcony in the dining room is stunning . We sit outdoors overlooking the lush landscape of the mountainside and the city of San Jose . After lunch we took a nap , walked around the property , and sat in the jacuzzi for awhile . We met a young couple from Canada and chatted a bit . We spent some time in the lounge watching TV and checking the Internet . It was nice not to be on a concrete slab at the school , and I definitely did not miss the fire ants ! Overall , we are very pleased with Xandari ! I still miss Arbolitos , but it is very nice to be able to flush the toilet paper ! What a different day ! We started off by sleeping until 9 : 00 ! After waking from an incredible night of sleep , we went breakfast where we had delicious , homemade whole wheat toast with local fruit jams and slices of Costa Rican cheeses . It was raining , but the view was still incredible ! After breakfast we relaxed a little in our rooms until the rain ended and then we set out to hike the nature trails on the property . There are 5 waterfalls that were discovered when the owners were having trails cleared through the jungle along the river . The fourth fall is 70 feet high and quite breathtaking ! The entire hike was breathtaking in more ways than one ! I thought it was just because I was out of shape , but I was relieved when Chris and Robin , the younger couple we met here from Canada , admitted that it was a tough hike for them as well ! In all , it took us about 2 hours to get back , but I enjoyed it greatly . It wasn 't quite the same as our 15 minutes in the jungle with Carlos , but it was still the jungle . The fact that there were manmade steps and cleared areas to walk didn 't take away from the incredible plants , trees , butterflies , etc that we saw . I think the one thing that will never translate through my pictures is the scale of the jungle . There is every size imaginable represented , from tiny little frogs and miniature plants , to giant butterflies and leaves big enough to be an umbrella or even a roof for a small hut . There are things to look at under every small stone and trees so tall that they seem to reach the sky ! Everything is alive and there is life springing up from everywhere . Plants grow on other plants and even on the rocks . Trees don 't seem to mind whether their roots are in the ground or hanging off the side of a cliff . The air is so moist that everything simply lives ! This property is a beautiful mix of vibrant nature , exotic plants , and manmade artistic touches . The attention to detail is extravagant and I have so enjoyed the color and pattern everywhere I look ! The people here are also wonderfully friendly and there are few guests , so the resort almost feels private ! After our hike , Jerry and I took a dip in the pool and then sat in the jacuzzi for awhile . We chatted about our trip and our dreams of returning to Costa Rica . We will be spending a lot of time in prayer , listening to what God has in mind for us and this country ! We finished our lunch from yesterday in our room and then headed to the main building for a little TV and Internet time . We also took a tour of the largest villa in case we return with the kids one day . Jerry and I had massages scheduled for this afternoon before dinner . It was Jerry 's first massage ever and we had them done side by side . It was so relaxing and well worth the extra cost , but quite a splurge for us ! Dinner was yummy tonight , but I can definitely tell that my appetite has decreased ! I had tomato corn chowder and a salad , but I probably would have been fine with the soup . Jerry reminds me that I had a Funky Monkey ( expresso , ice cream , bananas , and whipped cream ! ! ! ) this afternoon , and that may have filled me up a little ! Jerry had nachos again and the pasta dish that I enjoyed yesterday . We are packed up tonight as our 4 : 30am wake up call will come early . The kitchen has packed us a breakfast of muffins , fruit , and yogurt , and they will drive us to the airport . We are in for a long day tomorrow with a four hour layover in Newark , though Connie has warned us that customs is a long nightmare ! I hear the rain that has begun to fall . It is just in time to sing me to sleep ! Goodnight Costa Rica and so long ! We are home ! The dogs were so excited to see us ! It felt really good to walk through our yard and check everything out ( in the dark ! ) . We are so tired and it is not raining , but the crickets and the frogs are singing to me so I suppose I will sleep well ! I am going to miss Costa Rica ! I am already thinking of how I when I can return . Mom and Dad picked us up from the Richmond airport . We had a short flight there from Newark after a very long layover ! The flight from Costa Rica was very long ( 5 hours ) ! All were uneventful including the customs and security . We woke up today at 4 : 30am Costa Rica time and this is the latest we have been up in weeks ! I will write more tomorrow ! It is hard to believe that this was the last day in Arbolitos ! I am sad because I don 't know if I will ever return , but I am really looking forward to getting home ! I feel like we accomplished what we came to do ( Jerry did more than expected ! ) . Jerry and Carlos finished hanging the ceiling this morning . They reminded us of monkeys swinging from the rafters . I had prayed for their safety today and all went well except Jerry fell off the ladder once . Thankfully he was fine except for a scrape on his arm ! We packed bags of candy for treats for the children and helped Sarah prepare for her class . Connie did a lot of book recording for the Rama . We all cleaned the guest house to prepare for the next group . It is amazing how different the house looks after all the work we did this week ! Lunch today was a great time of chatting and enjoying each others company . We had ground meat with summer squash , rice and beans , plantains , pineapple , and breadfruit . Concepcion showed me how to make the corn tortas I have enjoyed so much ! She had me grind the fresh corn before lunch , and after we ate , she showed me how she fries the corn mixture on a banana leaf ! Her recipe is freshly ground corn , ground farmers cheese , 3 tablespoons sugar , a dash of salt and a teaspoon of baking powder . It is so yummy ! After lunch , we finished our cleaning , took showers , and rested for the afternoon . It was really nice to have the afternoon to relax . Jerry and I walked up to the school a little before dinner to check the Internet . I was so excited to have an email from Tracy with pictures of my animals ! We have newly hatched chicks and the puppies are so cute ! It really made my day ! Jerry was also able to fix Sarah 's camera this afternoon . I had been praying for her to be able to use it since she is staying another week . It turned out to be a little piece of plastic stuck in the SD card slot . What a blessing ! Ruth shared at dinner that Franklin was able to get a lot to build a house on near Puerta Viejo . Another blessing ! Dinner was bittersweet . I always enjoy the meal , but it was a little sad to know that it was our last together as a group . Carlos was unable to join us since he was at a meeting about milking cows . We had many of the same things tonight , including those yummy corn tortas ! We have just spent the last hour getting to know Sarah 's Mom , Connie . All of that talk is front in my mind so I hope I can recall the day ! Ruth was gone all day in order to get Connie and Kerry , Sarah 's sister , from the airport , so we have been mostly on our own ! This morning , I got up early to get my shower in anticipation of Carlos coming to work with Jerry on the ceiling . Carlos did come around 8 , and he and Jerry climbed around like monkeys on top of the walls hanging the ceiling . I could tell that Jerry was frustrated this morning because of the slowness of the job . They were using a dull knife , a corded drill , and no ladder . They were able to get half of the ceiling hung though , and Jerry got a lot of the painting finished . Once , when Jerry went out to the porch to grab some pieces of ceiling , he spotted a snake . He called Carlos out to identify it and , of course , Jerry had to pick it up ! Fortunately , they determined that the snake was not poisonous , but Sarah was not thrilled about the whole experience ! Sarah and I spent most of the morning preparing for the class we will teach for the women of Arbolitos tomorrow . We will be teaching them to paint picture frames and to make knotted bracelets . We will have activities for the children as well . Both Sarah and I have experience in teaching art classes , but not in Spanish ! We also spent time cleaning up the room to make it ready . Marianna spent a lot of time with us again today . We ate lunch early today because Carlos was hungry . We had rice and beans , tortillas , plantains , cheese , and jello . We also had really yummy corn tortillas . We talked with Carlos quite a bit since Ruth was not there . He was telling us about the tigers ( jaguars ) in the jungle . When we asked him if he had seen tigers in the jungle , he said , " yes " but he was not afraid because he had his gun and machete with him ! We will be going to the jungle tomorrow , I hope we do not see any tigers ! ! ! After lunch , we came back to the house and headed out again to deliver invitations to the women on o street . We followed Ruth 's directions and were able to hand out each invitation . As we were coming down a steep , muddy driveway at the last house , I slipped and fell right on my bottom ! What a muddy mess ! It was raining when we returned and I decided to just stand out in the rain to wash off my clothes . It turned into a very refreshing shower ! Sarah joined me and we just got completely soaking wet ! It was great ! After drying off , we spent a little time finishing up the preparations for our class . Just as we finished , it was almost time for dinner , so , we took a walk down the road to find the puperia ( store ) . Jerry picked up a few sodas , but he was disappointed that they had no chocolate candy ! We walked to the school ( right across from Ruth 's house ) in order to check our Internet connection . It turned out to be like an Internet cafe , with several local people and us sitting on the concrete porch with our computers ! I was so excited to get some great professional news ! Supper tonight consisted of pork , rice and beans , tomato , cheese , bread , and jello . It was just Jerry , Sarah , Ruth 's mother in law , and I . We ate quickly and then returned to finish our online work . We walked back in the dark and got to the house just before the rain . Shortly after being back , Ruth arrived with Kerry and Connie . It has been a full day , but also a fulfilling one ! July 25 , 2012 Happy Birthday Alden ! We are hoping to be able to call our boy today , since he is turning 10 , but there is no telling whether or not we will be able to find a signal with Ruth 's cell phone . I feel sure there will not be Internet since we had a huge storm last night . The lightening and thunder were big and it rained hard all night . The power went out sometime in the middle of the night , but it is back on this morning . I am surprised to hear everyone up this morning since we stayed up to chat so long last night . We are all looking forward to going to the farm with Ruth and Carlos . It will be the first time in the boat and on the river for all of us except Jerry . It was a hard day today . It was also a good day . I miss my kids and my home more than ever . I miss being clean ! I think I am going to go to Mike and Debbie 's when I get home and soak in their pool in the chlorine for a whole day ! The only time I have felt like this before was when we went backpacking for four days and didn 't bathe the whole time . I took three showers today : one this morning to start the day , one when we got back from the jungle , and one at the end of the day . I feel relatively clean after a shower , but with everything I do here , I either get hot and sweaty or really dirty ! Today was the first day it really bothered me . Now that I have my complaining out of the way , I 'll write about what made it a really good day ! Sarah made eggs and coffee for breakfast today . We were expected at Ruth 's house by 8 : 00 to get on the boat to go to their farm . Ruth and Carlos bought land across the Sarapique River for a farm and Pastor Retreat Center . There is a real need for pastors and their families to have a place to go where they can rest and learn . We had to go down steep wooden stairs to the river , where we climbed into their covered boat . I was surprised at how long and narrow the boat was . It reminded me of a really long canoe with a motor and a roof . Ruth 's dog , Sargento , went with us . He doesn 't seem to care much for the boat ride , but he loves being at the farm ! Carlos goes to farm on a regular basis . He goes across the river and then walks about 20 minutes through the jungle to get there . We went all the way by river ; down the Sarapique and then up the Toro River . The rivers are amazing . We didn 't see gators or anything in the water , but it was enough to know that they were there ! The trees and vegetation are beautiful . We saw banana and plantain trees , sugar cane , and so much more . The property line is where the Toro River and Rio Negro ( Black River ) meet . Jerry says it reminds him of pouring milk into coffee because the light and dark waters meet and swirl together . When we arrived at the farm , we climbed up a steep , muddy bank . There is an old house there with wooden rocking chairs , made by Carlos , on the porch . An old cabinet , also on the porch is full of tiny honey bees . We walked around looking at Carlos ' cows , the hill Ruth dreams of building on , trees with macaw nests hanging from them , a cacao tree ( chocolate bean ) , and many coconut trees . We also saw where Carlos cuts trees to make planks and posts . Carlos took us on a short hike through the jungle . I couldn 't believe we were actually in the rainforest ! One of the first things I noticed was how dark it was . Carlos warned us to look carefully before touching anything ! The trees are enormous ! I particularly loved the trees with their roots growing out of the ground . We saw tiny little orange frogs and many plants that are house plants at home ! The ground was muddy and wet ( go figure ! ) and it was steep in most places . I took another slide down a hill on my rear which seems to be a daily occurrence recently ! When we came out of the jungle , we were wet and tired and it was only a fifteen minute walk ! When we returned to the little farm house , Carlos knocked a coconut down for each of us . He used his machete to cut it open and we drank the coconut milk . It was sweet and clear . It is a little messy to drink from a coconut , but we just came out of jungle so who cares ! Carlos made a spoon from the top of his coconut and used it to cut the coconut meat from the middle for us to eat . I couldn 't finish all of mine , it was too filling ! After our tropical treat , we got back on the boat , ( which I managed to do without falling again ! ) and went back to Arbolitos . It was a great adventure ! It seemed like enough for the day , we were all so tired , but it was only lunchtime and we still had a class to teach later in the day ! For lunch , we had spaghetti , green beans , rice and beans , peyibaye , pineapple , plantains , tortillas , and cheese . After lunch , I went to the edge of the yard , near the school , to check my email . Since I had been wearing boots all morning on our adventure and my feet were hot , I thought the wet grass might feel good on my bear feet . I was reading an email from Renee when I noticed the fire ants on my feet , but I really wanted to respond to her ! After several minutes of shifting from one foot to the other , my feet were on fire ! I ran back to the outdoor sink to wash my feet but it didn 't help ! I stepped into a mud puddle and scrubbed mud on my feet until the burning subsided ! When I finally washed the mud off , I had red whelps all over my feet ! We had a few moments after lunch before people arrived for our class , so we decided to download my pictures onto Sarah 's laptop . We enjoyed glancing through the photos from the last seven days and sharing stories with Sarah 's mom and sister . I was pouring paint when Sarah handed the SD card back and I accidentally dropped it into the paint . I thought I would cry ! There are over over 2200 pictures so far on that card ! I quickly washed it off and it turned out to be fine ! Thank goodness they were at least on Sarah 's computer ! We taught a painting class at the library this afternoon for the women of Arbolitos . Sarah and I ( through the translation of Ruth ) taught the ladies basic color mixing and painting skills . We had them paint picture frames with acrylic paint . It is really hard to teach people who don 't speak the same language ! I really wanted to be able to communicate with them . We had 14 women , and about 7 children came to do activities with Connie and Kerry . The women did a great job on their frames and they seemed to have fun . One lady told Ruth that she could tell that I was a teacher because I was bossy . I told her that that it wasn 't because I was a teacher , it was because I was a woman ! She got a kick out of that ! Jerry and Carlos finished hanging half of the ceiling in the guesthouse today . Jerry also got a good start on the wiring in the house Ruth is using for the used clothing store . He is hoping to finish that tomorrow . We are all impressed and appreciative of Jerry 's hard work , so we decided to reward him with Tootsie Rolls ! We were all dragging on the way to dinner tonight ! As usual though , the food was excellent ! I will have a hard time adjusting to cooking again ! Tonight we ate a dish called " Colorful Rooster " which is rice and beans mixed together . We also had an egg and cheese mixture and breadfruit , which tastes like sweet French fries . There was cheese , pineapple , leftover spaghetti , and tortillas . I certainly never leave hungry ! We used Ruth 's cell phone tonight to call Alden for his birthday . We had to stand upstairs in the corner of Ruth 's house . We used the speaker phone so we wouldn 't have to move the phone and risk losing the signal ! It was great to hear his voice ! He said he sort of missed us ! I 'm really glad they are having fun on their trip ! So far , we have gotten emails from Carter , Trevor , and Renee , and we got to speak to Alden . I suppose that will sustain me for the next couple of days ! It has not rained since this morning . We haven 't lost power ( except for Jerry tripping the breaker while he was installing a light fixture ! ) or Internet today ! I wonder if it will storm tonight ! Only two more nights for us in Arbolitos ! I slept really well last night until something started biting my feet . At first , I thought it was the whelps from the fire ants itching me again , but when I got up and looked , I realized that I had new bug bites all over my feet ! It was driving me crazy ! I have been here for 8 days without any real problem and suddenly , it is like the word got out that I am sweet to munch on ! I tried the bite remedy that Kim gave me , and that provided some temporary relief . I sprayed bug spray on my feet and legs , but they kept biting ! I thought I was going to climb the walls ! Finally , in desperation , I begged God to take them away . I asked Him to protect me from new bites and stop the itching . Miraculously , He did it ! The itching stopped and I slept once again ! Unfortunately , it came back now that I am awake ! I am so tired ! We just returned from a church service in Las Marias , a town about an hour away ( 10 miles ) . I rode in the back of Ruth 's SUV so that we could all go . The roads are dirt and rock with massive potholes , so it was quite a bumpy ride . We stopped in La Gata on the way to deliver the gift we painted for Salvador and Ana . While we were there , Ana served us some Nance fruit . She had soaked it in sugar water , so it was sweet and yummy . We also had time to play UNO with Milena and Michael , and David . It was fun , but playing with Salvador and Ana 's children makes me really miss mine . I have really enjoyed visiting with them though ! I love sitting in their kitchen and having everyone gather around to talk - it reminds me of my home ! If I ever moved to Costa Rica , I would want to live in La Gata ! I even have a house picked out that I would want live in ! Don 't worry though , I don 't think it is for sale ! When we arrived in Las Marias , I was surprised in the difference between this village and the others we have visited . Las Marias is a town full of " free " houses . They are small houses that the government provides . They are on tiny lots , packed in close together . There is one huge , sprawling , stucco mansion right before you get into town . It is the only house I have seen like it here and it seems grossly out of place ! We are sitting in an open air church in Las Marias , Costa Rica . It is in various stages of being built . The front wall of the sanctuary is the back wall of Pastor Franklin 's house , where he lives with his family . His house is basically enclosed with a piece of plastic . There is a wall to my right and a partially built wall on the left . The ceiling is tin and the windows and doors are simply openings . You can see between the planks that make up the walls . It is dark now , but earlier when it was just reaching dusk , a bat was flying around . Right now , I am wishing he was here because he would be eating the bugs that are eating me ! I am so hot and sweaty ! We are sitting on crudely made wooden benches and the floor is packed mud . It is not comfortable here . It occurs to me that these people did not come here to be comfortable , they came to worship God ! What devotion they demonstrate ! This Pastor is preaching to the people . I can 't understand what he is saying , but I can tell that he is passionate about what he is saying and the people are intent and involved in what he is saying ! These people are not distracted by the building materials stacked up against the wall or the heat or even the bugs , they are focused on the Word of the Lord ! Besides us , there are 12 people here along with some children . They take turns leading the music and reading Scripture . The Pastor 's son , Wesley , who is four took up the offering . Afterward , a woman came up to pray and give thanks to God and Pastor Franklin and Wesley knelt before the alter together . Pastor Franklin seems to be a very humble man ! Flashing back to the rest of the day , we spent a lot of time in the morning getting Sarah ready for her class in La Gata on Saturday . I worked on writing / drawing directions for pop tab bracelets for Ruth to teach to the Rama women . Connie recorded the reading of English books for the Rama . Kerry organized some other supplies in the library . Connie had packed a hard drive in her suitcase for Ruth but unfortunately , it is missing . Jerry spent the whole morning working on the electricity in the used clothing store . Ruth will go from having no electricity to having outlets and lights ! It is obviously a much needed ministry in Arbolitos and it will provide her with a small income as well . We all walked over to Ruth 's for lunch around noon . We had our usual meal of beans and rice , tortillas , chicken and potatoes , and today we had papaya . By the end of lunch , my feet were itching so badly and Sarah 's were bothering her too ! I think I was having an allergic reaction to the fire ant bites from the day before . We walked back to the house , and heated water to fill a plastic tub . Sarah and I soaked our feet and ankles to try to draw out the itch and soothe the discomfort . Kerry joined us just to try to clean her feet ! The warm water felt so good even though we were hot and sweaty ! After a bit , my feet began to swell and tingle . After a cold shower , some Ibuprofin , and a little rest , I felt like I might survive ! I walked to the pulperia to buy Jerry a Coke while he took a shower and put on his new shirt that I bought him at the used clothing sale in La Gata . A large Coca Cola is 500 colones here . That works out to about one dollar . On my way , I saw Mariana and her mom , Mirya , picking manzanas de agua ( water apples ) . She gave me three and I brought them back to the house to try . Connie sliced them and we all tasted them . I did not like them at all ! After church , we ate the dinner that Concepcion had packed us . We ended up waiting until we got back to house to eat . I had tuna salad on a tortilla . We were so tired we just went to bed ! We are definitely winding down here . Jerry and Carlos are planning to finish the ceiling today . ( this post is a combination of last night and this morning , July 27 , 2012 , 7 : 30am ) . As I am lying in my bed writing this , a board appears over the top of wall . Carlos has hauled it down to serve as scaffolding . Jerry also wants to finish the electricity . I expect to use my day to pack and clean the house to prepare for the next group from Franklin Baptist . Sarah will be staying for another week , but Jerry and I are heading to San Jose for a couple of days alone before we go home . Connie and Kerry will head home tomorrow . We will need to be on the boat by 6 : 30 tomorrow morning ! Well , I officially hit the threshold today . I miss my kids ! The first day I was here , my thoughts were about home . After that , my thoughts were here . Now , my thoughts are beginning to turn towards home again ! Today , Sarah and I were able to use the entire day to work in the Biblioteca ( library ) . The library is two rooms . One room houses the actual library / classroom / computer lab . The other room is a workshop / meeting room . We have mostly been working in the workshop / meeting area . Sarah did wander over to the library today to play the electronic piano , and I found some time to read to Marianna , the little girl from the neighborhood that helps Ruth . Marianna hung around a lot today ! After we finally finished organizing the beading supplies , Sarah and I worked on some painting projects and Marianna was eager to paint ! At first we told her no , but she was patiently persistent . Finally , we gave in and she was delighted ! I painted a picture of Salvador and Anna 's birds on a slice of tree to give them as a gift from us . Salvador had given the slices to Ruth as a gift and she wanted to use one to give back . Sarah worked with me on a tic tac toe set . Instead of Xs and Os , we painted frogs and chameleons on wooden blocks . Sarah made a sack with the tic tac toe board painted on it . Marianna painted on paper plates . I mixed up some sidewalk paint from cornstarch , water , and food coloring . I showed Marianna how to use it , and it worked great ! I wish that I would have had that recipe for my second graders last year ! Marianna painted some beautiful things , but she didn 't stay outside long because she really wanted to be inside with us ! After lunch today , Sarah and I finished our projects and then worked on a rug for the house . Jerry worked on painting concrete sealer on the block today . Tomorrow , he and Carlos will hang the ceiling . Lunch and dinner today were similar . We ate rice and beans , tortillas , spaghetti , broccoli , and tomato salad . We also had plantains and cheese for lunch . Other than the leftovers from lunch , we had a different type of cheese that was a gift from Greiven . We also had shrimp legs ! These shrimp legs were the size of small crab legs ! Sarah and I were delighted to learn that there was an Internet connection in Arbolitos today ! The Internet has been out here since we arrived and we have only been able to access the Internet in La Gata . As Jerry and I lay here in bed , inhaling the concrete sealer fumes and listening to the awesome Costa Rica thunder , Jerry is admiring Carlos ' rafters on the roof . He uses mahogany which he hand cuts in the jungle with his chain saw . He then carries it on his back through the jungle , puts it on his boat , and brings it home . You must also understand that Carlos is maybe 130 pounds soaking wet , which he probably is most of the time ! The wood must dry for four months before using , and he hand planes it . Jerry also notes that every board in this house is hand cut by chainsaw ! Everything here is like that . It has been hard to come by and is used frugally ! Tomorrow , Ruth will go to San Jose to pick up Sarah 's mom and sister . She has left us instructions to deliver invitations to some local ladies for the art class we will do on Wednesday . We are to walk up to their door and say , " Upe , " and wait for someone to come out . We are not to knock on the door ! Other than the invites , we will use our time to prepare for the class and get the house ready for our new housemates . I actually slept like normal last night . I had regular dreams and slept all night . It is raining this morning , but it is a soft , gentle rain . I have become so used to the sound of the rain that I almost didn 't notice it . Even as I typed that sentence , the rain became intense ! Yesterday , it didn 't rain at all after the morning . It was a hot , sticky day . Sarah and I remarked about how quickly things dry here when the sun is out ! And now , as quickly as it began , the rain is back to a gentle shower ! Today will be another work day for us . We will prepare for our class and clean up . I am hoping to take more pictures while we deliver invitations . I would also like to cross some other things off of the board . Jerry and Carlos will finish their work in the guest house . I can feel the time winding down . Today is day 7 and we only have 10 here . Tomorrow we will visit Carlos and Ruth 's farm and hen hold the class for the Arbolitos women . Thursday , we are hoping to visit a school . Friday we will prepare to leave and then we are gone ! It is hard to believe ! I experienced so much today that I don 't know where to begin . My mind has been flipping back and forth between trying to understand and speak Spanish with the people of La Gata , and speaking English . By the end of the day , Jerry would ask me a question and I would try to answer him in Spanish ! It completely blew my mind ! We woke early today , ate a breakfast of eggs and a banana , and packed the car to return to La Gata . They were having a town meeting today so families came from the far reaches of the town . Many walked from the home , a few came on motorcycle , even fewer cars . Most people here do not own cars , though we have seen several Land Rovers which really excites Jerry ! Because of the meeting , Ruth 's friend , Salvador , thought it would be good to have the clothing sale . We planned children 's activities and crafts for the day . We were looking forward to seeing the kids from the day before . Several kids came as soon as we arrived this morning . I was glad Jerry came with us so he could meet them too ! Jeremy , 8 , my little photographer , Danny , a gentleman , 13 , Wilmer , and the other Wilmer , 14 , his girlfriend , Casey , 9 , Stephanie , Melvin , Leo , and many others ! Some of these from yesterday , some just came today . We began , like yesterday , by playing a game of UNO . Jerry tried to understand their rules , but I think they were making them up as they went along ! After a while , we decided to play some games with the kids . We had made sponge balls by tying strips of sponge together and we used those to play toss in the bucket and some other relay games . We made yarn crosses by wrapping yarn around Popsicle sticks . The kids were increasing in numbers as we got close to the time for the meeting at two , and though we stopped to eat lunch , they wanted to play all day long ! Some kids did not stop to eat lunch , get a drink , or rest ! It was a nice , sunny day with very little rain after the morning . After our games , the kids wanted to play hide and seek . I attempted to count to 50 in Spanish while they hid . They had fun since I was not fast enough to catch them before they could reach home base ! They all pitched in to find Wilmer and Melvin who hid behind the school . Once we found them , I spotted the rodeo corral and convinced the kids to take me there to take pictures . We climbed up onto the platform where we found a huge beetle which they called a cornisuala ! The boys went down into the corral where they played El Torro ( bull in the ring ) ! The kids led us to the Rio Susio ( Dirty River ) . A couple of iguana jumped in as we approached , but I missed that ! The children climbed a tree to get a fruit for us to try and then found another that had brown liquid coming out . The first , guayaba , you eat like an apple and tastes similar to a pear . The second , miel de coco , you bite the skin off and suck on the nut with brown liquid . It tastes something like molasses but not as sweet . We played keep away soccer and Melvin and Wilmer were really good ! When we returned from the river , we added water to the sponge balls and played water games . Sarah got really wet ! ! ! After a while , Casey and little Wilmer took over and started creating and organizing games . The kids were great at communicating with us and they taught us quite a bit of Spanish . We taught them a little English . We did another craft , salvation bracelets with colored beads . We said the colors in Spanish , they said them in English ! One little girl , Stephanie , knew lots of English words ! By the end of the day , we were exhausted ! We played with all of those kids from 9 am until about 6 pm ! Poor Jeremy was falling asleep in Sarah 's arms by the end of the day ! The people fed us twice today . Anna , Salvador 's wife , cooked pasta and chicken . We were served pork and rice and beans for supper . When we got home , Ruth 's mother in law had another dinner prepared ! More pork , rice and beans , cheese , tomato salad , and tortillas . There was a couple from Canada waiting for us when we returned . They were previously here , but have served as missionaries several places , including Haiti . Ruth had a lot to discuss with them . There were three older children / adults in La Gata today that have special needs . At least two of them have Down Syndrome . They interacted in most things we did and I was impressed by the support and love they have in their community ! I really did fall in love with the children in La Gata . I hope I will return one day ! We slept late today . It is Sunday and we will be going to church this afternoon in another town . Sarah and I are hoping to use the morning to organize the library and finish some of our projects . Last night while we were getting showers , the water stopped . Ruth has a pump that leads to a tank up on a platform and that gravity feeds to the house . Sarah had a full shower , I had a drip , and Jerry washed his feet off from a pan of water we were able to squeeze out of the sink . We let the pump run for 10 minutes and there still was no water so we went to bed and Jerry will look at it today . I do hope we will be able to get showers ! Jerry made breakfast for us today . We ate it in the library while we worked on sorting craft supplies . None of us had showers before breakfast since our well pump wasn 't working , but Carlos came by to fix it in time for us to shower before we left for the day . Maryanna , a little girl from the neighborhood , came by to help in the library . While we were in the library today , Jerry spotted a beautiful frog out on the sidewalk . It turned out to be a poisonous dart frog , so I am glad we didn 't try to catch it . There is not much of a barrier between the inside and outside , so it wasn 't long before he came in ! Ruth invited us to come to the house before lunch to pray with Joel and Carol , the couple from Canada , before they left for the day . After our prayer time , Jerry rode on the boat with Carlos to deliver Joel and Carol to their place for the day . We had lunch when Carlos and Jerry returned . Today , it was leftover pork , rice and beans , fresh pineapple , cheese , peyibaye , and a sweet bread with sugar inside . The cheese is a homemade white cheese made by local farmers . Every meal has been excellent ! We left Arbolitos around 2 : 00 today to go to Jerusalem for church . As we traveled through La Gata , we stopped by Salvador and Anna 's home to follow up from the clothing sale . Ruth stepped inside to speak with Salvador and Jerry , Sarah , and I stayed out to play with the birds . Salvador asked why we didn 't come in and we explained that Ruth had taught us that you do not go in until invited ! They laughed and said we were always welcome ! As usual , Anna made coffee and served a snack . Today it was circular crispy treats made of corn . Sarah and I discovered that they were good dipped in our coffee ! Anna 's coffee is always excellent and I was fascinated watching her make it today . She has a stand that holds a mesh bag or sock . The ground coffee goes in the sock and a metal pitcher is placed under the sock . Anna poured boing water into the sock while stirring and mashing the grounds . Everything here is like this . Everything requires effort , nothing is mindless . Maybe that is why the pace of life seems slower . We enjoyed the visit with Salvador , Anna , and their daughter , Melina . She is 16 , and hoping to correspond with Carter through Facebook . She is very interested in practicing her English . Melina was hoping to play UNO with us today , but we needed to leave for church . Ruth reminded her that Sarah would return Saturday . We helped to load the car with the clothes from the community center down the street . They were unloaded at Salvador 's house where he will try to sell them . I will probably not be back in La Gata this trip . I will miss it ! We arrived at the small , outdoor church in Jerusalem in time to greet everyone before the service . Ruth had explained that we would be expected to share and lead a song , so we practiced in the car . I suggested " Father , I adore you " since it is simple and repetitive . Those that know me well would not believe that I sang out loud on the stage ! The service was unusual to us in many ways . There were as many animals at church as people ! Many dogs lay in the aisles and under the pews . Chickens walked around the yard and perched in the trees ! Of course the entire service was in Spanish . Most people walked to church and children 's church was at a house down the street . Some people stood in the road and listened . The preacher is illiterate , so he had another man read the Scripture and then he preached on that verse . Some things about the service were familiar . There was a lot of singing , reading of Scripture , prayer , and preaching . They took up an offering . The children stayed for the singing and then went to children 's church . Everyone greeted each other . When the service was just about over , the children were not back yet , so one of the men threw a rock at the metal siding on the house to let them know it was time to return ! When the children came back , they presented their lesson . I worked hard to try to understand the preaching . I was able to follow along in my Bible with the Scripture reading and I understood a little , but it was hard ! Everyone was very gracious ! We gave a woman and her son a ride home so that they wouldn 't have to walk , and then we picked up her daughter and grandchildren to do the same . On our way out of town , we saw the preacher walking with his groceries . It was after dark and he had a long way to go so we offered him a ride as well . He let us take him as far as the intersection out of town . It was 7 : 00 when we made it home for supper . Joel and Carol were there , and we enjoyed egg and rice tortas , rice and beans , peyibaye , and tortillas . We talked about family , ministry , the mission field , education and more . The fellowship was sweet and we remarked about coming from so far away and meeting people we would have never had a chance to meet otherwise . Ruth gave us a ride home since we forgot our flashlight again ! We made up beds and prepared a place for Joel and Carol since previous accommodations had not worked out for tonight . We are sleeping in a full house tonight ! July 23 , 2012 Carol leave very early this morning . As I lay here trying to wake up this morning , my thoughts go quickly to the people we have met in La Gata . Will I see them again ? I wonder , what can I do for them , what do they need ? I asked Ruth last night about the average salary of a person working in rural Costa Rica . For someone who works in agriculture , as most of them do , $ 400 a month is average . She and Carlos are living off of less . The cost of living may be somewhat lower , but food is more expensive and taxes are high . Gas costs $ 6 . 00 a gallon , but most people do not have cars . Much of the clothing for these people is second hand . Houses are hand built . Luxuries are few , but people are generally happy . It will be shocking , and I am guessing a bit repulsive at first , to go back to our way of life . It definitely causes me to want to simplify and prioritize ! Posted by Today , Sarah made us a breakfast of scrambled eggs . I also had coffee and a banana . The local grown bananas are very small but yummy . We were supposed to walk over to Ruth 's house around 8 , but since it was raining so hard , she came to pick us up at the house . While we were waiting , Jerry climbed up the walls to work on some more wiring . Sarah , Ruth , and I rode to another town nearby , La Gata , with the car loaded with clothes for a used clothing sale . We had packed clothing in feed sacks and the whole back of her SUV , the back seat , and the roof was full ! There was barely room for me in the back seat ! I took some pictures along the way when I could , but I missed a picture that I really wanted ! We passed a house with two roosters perched on the fence in front of it . I am really hoping to get another chance at that shot ! Once we arrived in La Gata , the man who had set up the sale said that it was raining too much to hold the sale . The river was up and the high school was not in session , so many customers would not come . He ( Salvador ) invited us into his home to wait for the rain to stop . Salvador 's wife made coffee and served us a pastry . Salvador 's 16 year old daughter brought out her pet bird and I got to hold it ! It bit my finger but it didn 't hurt . They also brought out their pet parrot and took a picture with it on my shoulder ! Ruth is teaching English to Salvador 's nephew , Graven , who lives across the street . He is doing well with His English and she brought some tapes for him to listen to . After a while , it stopped raining and Salvador and Graven helped us unload the clothes . It was just like setting up for the free swap and uniform swap we do at home . We folded clothes and laid them in piles on desks and chairs . At the bottom of one of the sacks I found a lizard ! It made me squeal and hen giggle ! The men tied up some rebar to make a place to hang clothes . I was impressed when someone thought to tie up a makeshift curtain for a dressing room with trash bags and rope ! There were not a lot of people , but some clothes were sold and we will go back tomorrow to complete the sale . Sarah and I were able to sit outside the school across the street and connect to the Internet , much to our delight ! While we were working on posting our blogs and checking email , a few children , Danny , Wilmer , and Jeremy , came to sit by us . They were watching us , so I begin to show them some pictures on my IPad . They loved the pictures of my cabralitos ( baby goats ) ! The kids had fun laughing at me because I called Jerry my " Esposa " ( wife ) instead of " Esposo " ( husband ) ! They kept pointing to his picture and asking who he was to get me to do it again so they could laugh at me ! Before we knew it , some of them produced an UNO game and soon we were all playing ! We discovered that it was only half a deck , amarillo y rojo ( yellow and red ) , and that they played by their own rules , but we had fun ! One of the kids , 8 year old Jeremy , loved my camera . I showed him how to take a picture and soon we were going all over taking pictures ! When we told the kids , that we would be back tomorrow with activities and games , one boy said he would be waiting for us at 5am ! Later that day , we were invited to the house of the kindergarten teacher for coffee . She made a wonderful dish with plantains , butter , cinnamon , and cheese . We talked ( with Ruth 's help ) about the differences in education between Costa Rica and the U . S . I was surprised to learn that she is not allowed to teach kindergarten children to read ! She was surprised to learn how large our class sizes are ! When we returned to the sale , some older kids were waiting for us to play UNO ! This time there was a full UNO deck and we played by the correct rules . I was surprised how easy it was to laugh and play together without knowing each other 's language ! We were sorry when it was time to go , but when we returned to Arbolitos , supper was ready . Sarah and I walked to the house to get Jerry , who had spent the day alone working on the house . He has mostly finished what was planned for him so Ruth will have to think of more projects ! He will come with us tomorrow and we will do some activities with the kids . I can 't wait for him to meet them ! Dinner tonight was chicken , cheese Ruth bought from a lady in La Gata , rice , beans , avocado , homemade tortillas , and WATER ! I was so happy ! Our conversation at dinner was mostly about the false prophets and bad doctrine taught to the people here . Because of their lack of good education and confidence , they easily fall for false truths . Ruth 's mission is to help raise up Pastors that will study and discern the truth so they can teach it to their people ! Jerry , Sarah , and I talked about our day on the walk home while we tried to avoid stepping on the fairy tale sized toads all along the road . We stopped in the library to make some sponge balls for games to play with the kids tomorrow . After quick showers we are in bed hoping to be lulled to sleep by the sound of the rain we have so quickly become accustomed to ! So far though I only hear the frogs . We are , however , all enjoying the fans that Jerry hooked up in our rooms today ! It is light and raining , but I have been awake for a while now . It didn 't rain much last night and I don 't think I slept as soundly . I am not sure it was the lack of rain as much as my fullness of thought that kept me awake . I am in love with this place and I am wondering if I will ever be back . I am not sure if it is a selfish thought or a calling , but when I go home , I am sure I will long to return . I can 't put my finger on exactly what it is about the place , but I love the simplicity of life , the ingenuity of the people who have so little , and the hospitality I have been shown . I am drawn to their language , their rustic living conditions , the climate , the landscape , and even the color of their skin . I haven 't figured out why I am here . We will return to La Gata today , and I am hoping for clarity . We will be playing games with the children we met yesterday and many more , depending on the weather . Sarah and I have two craft projects planned that we will do with the children also . Both projects present the opportunity to share God 's love and the salvation message , but I wonder if we can communicate well enough to make that clear . These people are not ignorant of the gospel , but I don 't feel that they really know God on a personal level . I get the sense that this trip is more about building relationships and planting seeds . Sarah will get the opportunity to visit La Gata two more times after today ! She will return next Saturday on her own while we are on our way back to San Jose . She will also go the following Wednesday with the next group that comes to help Ruth . I am so excited to hear what God is up to with her ! Sarah 's mom , Connie , who came here seven years ago , will be here with Sarah 's sister on Tuesday . Sarah has been trying to get here since her Mom came last ! I have been fascinated with all of critters here . I guess my life back home has prepared me for this part , since I am not bothered by the bugs and animals ! There are dogs everywhere ! It is not unusual to see several dogs wandering down the road . There is a three - legged dog that I have seen on this road several times ! The toads and frogs ( huge ones ) are plentiful at night . The houses are not sealed , so birds and bats are not uncommon . A bat came into the library while we were working the other evening . On the plus side , the bats eat the bugs ! The bugs are not as bad as I thought they would be . I have a few mosquito bites , but no more than I get at home ! I did get bit by some fire ants the other day but , though they sting the fire out of you , the sting goes away quickly ! I have become accustomed to , walking everywhere in my muck boots . The volume of rain here keeps the ground wet and muddy . It 's funny though , the rain isn 't depressing , it 's refreshing . People don 't really stay in because of the rain , maybe because it 's warm , life goes on ! Right now , they are between the dry season and the wet season . I think the people here would agree with Carter when he said that dry is relative ! Carlos told us that the rain that we have seen is nothing compared to what they have during the rainy season ! This is the rainforest after all ! Well , we are on our way . Since we begin to plan this trip it has seemed so far in the future . It came up suddenly and I can hardly believe we are really going to to Costa Rica . Jerry and I were looking at some of Ruth 's pictures on facebook and it gave me a little perspective . I wonder if it will be anything like I expect ! I barely slept last night and my stomach feels funny today . I guess I must have a little case of nerves . I don 't feel excited , but I am certainly not dreading the trip . I just really didn 't want to leave home . It seems like we are leaving so much behind . I think it is really the first time that I haven 't wanted to leave the kids . I am always glad to spend time with Jerry , but this is going to be longest I have been away from them ! We will see how I feel by 7 days ! I don 't really want to leave the animals . Ranger knew we were leaving and he started to act funny . Jessie just had her pups and I am concerned about them , especially in the heat we are expecting today . I have really grown fond of the goats . We just put fish in the pond ! It occurs to me that I really love my home ! I keep feeling like I forgot something , but I think it must be because so much of what is important to me is still at home . I really felt like God was calling us to this mission trip . I hope that I can let go and experience what he has for me there . I can 't help but hope there is a child involved , though that feels silly to me since my life is so very full . I have hopes in my heart for a job when I return , and if not , then the desire to start the studio . I am praying that God will speak to my heart about it all while we are away . I am looking down at the clouds . I am glad I am not nervous about flying . It was fun to watch the two little boys across the aisle experiencing their first flight ! Carter was about their age when we first flew with him ! The day was definitely not what I expected , though I was never sure what to expect ! After a long flight to Costa Rica , we waited with Ruth a long time while Sarah 's plane circled overhead due to a storm . Once she arrived we made the long drive to the town of Puerta Viejo , where We met Ruth 's husband , Carlos . He had ridden in on a pickup truck with 12 guys for a soccer meeting . We waited for several hours until he was finished . We walked around the town and had an ice cream . It was dark when we started the drive to Arbolitos . We passed through banana plantations and farms for an hour and a half ( 18 miles ) on mostly unpaved roads . It was bumpy to say the least ! We passed by houses with no doors and windows . The poverty is astonishing ! The bridges are treacherous - one had a hole bigger than the tire on the car that went all the way through to the river . Once we arrived , we put our suitcases in the guesthouse and had dinner at Ruth 's house . Ruth 's mother in law had prepared rice , beans , chicken , and potatoes . It was all tasty ! We ate in chairs in their open air dining / living room . Jerry asked about the hammock hanging from the ceiling to which Ruth explained was their sofa ! We are sleeping under a tin roof and the rain sounds wonderful ! It has been a very long day ! It rained off and on all night . The rain comes down harder than I have ever heard rain ! The thunder is louder and deeper than any thunder I have ever heard . Ruth is right , it reminds one of Jurassic Park ! It literally rolls ! It was a pleasant night of sleep for me , since I love sleeping with the sounds of a thunderstorm . With each batch of rain , comes a refreshing breeze . We have an large " window " , simply an opening covered with screen , right over our bed and there is a nice overhang of the roof , so it is like sleeping outdoors ! No one here wakes to an alarm clock . Instead , they go to bed shortly after it gets dark and wake with the light . I was the first to wake this morning . We are all so tired from the long day yesterday . We stayed up late the night before preparing for the trip and got up at 3 am to get the airport on time . We went to bed around 9 last night , but it was 11 at home . At least I don 't really need to worry about waking anyone . No matter how much noise I make , they couldn 't hear me over the sound of the rain and thunder ! I decided to get a shower when I woke up . The shower consists of a single stream of cold water . We were warned that someone may have to start the well pump to refill the tank ! It may have been more effective to stand outside to shower ! I am clean though , and ready to start the day ! We will brainstorm some craft ideas today and Jerry will begin to work on some projects in the guest house . I already have some ideas for him . The one outlet and one light could be increased , and the bathroom needs a hook on the wall ! July 19 , 2012 Today was a day of figuring things out . Sarah , Ruth , and I spent some time mapping out a plan for the next several days . We used a white board in the library to write out ideas for craft projects to do with the women and children . Sarah and I spent most of the morning sorting craft supplies . As we went through the boxes of donated items , we came up with other ideas . I am most excited about the bags of wooden blocks that Ruth found in her stash . Meanwhile , Jerry and Carlos worked in the guest house . They hooked up lights throughout the house and on the porch , as well as outlets . Tomorrow they plan to finish the lights and outlets and hook up fans . Jerry only cut himself once , using a big knife to cut insulation off of wire . Carlos told Jerry that the knife came from Vietnam . After a great lunch of pork , rice and beans , a tomato salad , fresh avocado , homemade tortillas , and fruit juice , we went back to work . While Ruth prepared for a used clothing sale , Sarah and I planned and prepared two craft projects that we will do with children who come to the sale with their parents . We cut yarn to make wrapped crosses from popsicle sticks . We found out that super glue and silicone glue work really well here . We also cut cord and sorted beads to make salvation bracelets . After finishing our craft kits , Sarah and I walked down to the little house on the corner of the property where Ruth has begun a used clothing store . A little girl , Maryanna , was heading there to help Ruth , and I carried her across a very large puddle ! Even though it stopped raining after lunch today , everything is still very wet ! I am so glad I brought my muck boots ! We walked to Ruth 's house for dinner tonight . Along the way , I took a picture of the fence posts that grow into trees , a group of people walking and riding a horse , and a sign that says " Welcome to Arbolitos , a place to remember " in Spanish of course ! Earlier today , I took a picture of a man riding a bike and carrying a Weedeater ! I can 't wait to show that one to Carter ! Dinner tonight consisted of fried plantains , rice and beans , avocado , tomato salad , boiled eggs , and fruit juice . It was a good night of sleep . It seemed to rain off and on and there was one huge thunder boomer that startled me out of my sleep . I love the deep rolling sound of the thunder here and I am afraid I will never hear it like that again ! There are already things I know I will miss here , like the thunder and the sound of the rain coming down with the force of a water over a dam . I will miss walking down the dirt and stone paths and the tree fences . I will miss chatting with Sarah and the timelessness of the days . I will definitely miss the simplicity of life ! I miss certain luxuries of our life though . I miss the warmth of a full , hot shower and the ability to flush the toilet paper ! I miss my family and my animals . I miss the connection of Internet and the phone , though I have not seen a single person using a cell phone since I have been in Arbolitos and that is refreshing ! My perspective has already begun to change ! I thought it would , but I assumed it would take longer . I love simplicity of life ! I love the slow pace here ! I love that they go to bed early because it gets dark around 6 : 00 and they wake early because it gets light around 5 : 00 . They make do with so little here and they seem satisfied with what they have . Much is the same though . Family dynamics are a struggle . Children eat candy whenever possible . People get jealous of other 's successes . Men shake their heads at their wives ! We are all people ! |
Lowri - Ticks ! I had two ticks on me ! One on my ear that was walking around and one on my neck . TM killed them and then put some Frontline on me . She is going to go over Kearney and me with a fine - tooth comb , whatever that is . I am just glad she is taking care of us . I don 't LIKE ticks . Lowri - Here is the video that MC took yesterday . You can see me making the sheep move around and even into a crash with TM ( giggle ) . I hope you like it . TM - Thanks to all our veterans who have kept us safe and free . Cheryl 's , Penni 's and my fathers were veterans . They served in the Air Force , Coast Guard and Army . Ron was a Green Beret . Additionally , I have uncles , cousins and a brother who all served in the military . Thank you ! Lowri - I had the BEST time today ! I got to go help TM with the sheep . We went into the round pen - I sat at the gate . I forgot to hold my stay again , but TM didn 't have me on leash so she couldn 't make me go back . You should have seen her hustle to try and prevent me from getting to the big mamas ( giggle ) . When she told me to STOP , I did . That made her happy . Then she let me move the sheep around . They are afraid of me . I have POWER . TM said the sheep were knocking her around , so she let four of them out of the pen . I got to help with that too ! ! ! I moved the sheep so TM could let out the ones she wanted to let out . With only three sheep , she didn 't get beat up so badly . I LOVE herding ! ! ! ! TM will post the video tomorrow . Kearney - I got to herd too . I moved the sheep around the big field to make sure they would behave for Chase . Then I got to hold them at the fence while TM worked on them . I did that so well , TM told me I was AWESOME ! I did not let the sheep get away and I didn 't try to charge in . I just held my distance , and told the sheep to not even try to escape . TM was VERY happy with me . Then TM let me cool off and she worked Chase in the big field . He got told he was awesome too . There was a lot of that word being said today . Chase showed he had really paid attention the last few weeks in the round pen . All the walking up and " steady " work really paid off . He responded to " get out " and " here " . I better stay on top of my game or Chase will take over . TM was really happy with him . My sister , Treasure , got to work the lambs . She was in the round pen and just chased after them . TM cheered her on . I was with MC and I told Treasure what to do . I shouted out encouragement - even though she was just chasing them . TM told her she was very good . I wish I got to chase the lambs too ! TM said she is building drive and that Treasure didn 't just chase them , she fetched them to TM and worked them a little . TM said she wouldn 't allow outright chasing , but she does want Treasure to be more enthusiastic , that is why we were all cheering Treasure on . It was a good day ! Kearney - Saturdays are fun days . We let TM sleep in - or rather some of us do . This morning , Lowri had to go outside to potty at 7 : 00 AM . We all got to go , then TM went back to bed until 9 : 00 . Then we went out again . That is a good start to the day . TM and Papa Ron had to go to town . She told us that she saw a mama wild turkey with about 15 babies crossing the road . I wish I had been there . I am sure we could have caught some of them to put in the bird pen , although , I guess Aidan would have been a better choice for helping to catch them . He has such a soft mouth . I saw him take baby birds out of their nest once . He set them on the ground and they were unhurt . TM put them back in the nest . I am pretty sure I would have eaten them . TM took the four oldest pheasant down to the barn to the bird enclosure . She spread a little hay along one wall for them to nest in . Two minutes after turning them loose in there , she couldn 't see even one of them . They had gone to ground in the hay and weren 't moving . I ask you , what fun is that ? So we went herding . I worked the lambs in the smaller field . I moved them all around the fenceline . I brought them to TM and I took them away from her . TM said I was " Excellent . " I just know that I was a good dog ( she said that too ) , and I like helping TM put the lambs where she wants them - even if she changes her mind a lot . Lowri - My daddy went next . TM said he was a good dog too . He tries to listen , but he is still pretty sure he knows the best way to move them . Tomorrow , TM says he gets to work in the big field with the big mamas . I can 't wait until I can do that too . I got to go last . TM had me sit at the gates and wait until she was inside . I did that very well , cause I know how to . When we got to the round pen , I forgot that I was supposed to wait until TM told me I could go chase the sheep . TM made me come back and sit . Finally ( ! ) she told me I could go get them . I ran around her to the big mamas and told them to hurry . They did ( giggle ) . I moved them around and around TM , both directions . Then I helped her keep them moving along the fence . I even stopped and rested when she told me too . TM said I was the best dog . I didn 't gloat about that to Kearney and my daddy . I am pretty sure that they each think they are the best dog . Lowri - Last night TM fixed up another big pot of our food . I LOVE it when that happens . We all got to help TM clean it up . Even my daddy helped clean up . Then this morning we got to go out and play in the rain . It rained most of the morning . I think TM is getting tired of all the rain . I like it cause I can get good and muddy ! My daddy played with me for most of the day . TM had a bit of extra time this afternoon , so she came out to play with us . She let my daddy and Kearney play with the ducks . I shouted insults when they didn 't do it right . I don 't think TM appreciated my help . Kearney - I got to work the ducks first . TM said I was awesome ! I love making her say that word to me . I drove the ducks around the yard on the fenceline and sometimes in straight lines through the middle of the yard . I love working my stock . TM said she melted Chase 's brain today . He was trying to drive the ducks across the yard . He doesn 't like having to walk . She worked on helping him to be more responsive . At the end , she let him push the ducks . That made him happy . She ended with lots of hugs for him . I didn 't mind because I got lots of hugs too . Kearney - We had big thunderstorms several times today . The first one brought a bunch of hail with it . While Lowri and I were outside , we were hanging out on the back porch . Boy , did it ever rain and hail ! TM was busy with clients all day . She made sure we came in after that first storm . Lowri - Our housekeeper came today . I got LOTS of scritches . Ginger loves me . She knows all the best spots to scratch . After work , MC came over and brought my daddy . He and I got to go outside and play . MC and TM put me on the table and fed me good stuff . They looked at my teeth and MC made me stand just so . They are getting me ready for my beauty pageant . In just over three weeks , I have my debut , or as I like to say , my de - butt ( giggle ) Lowri - After our late evening playing in the garden , we let TM sleep in this morning . She and PR just hung out for another hour and then TM brought us home . We didn 't get fed until almost 11 : 00 this morning . I was hungry ! Then instead of keeping the house cool for us all day , TM let it get really hot inside . And THEN to add insult to injury , we didn 't get fed our supper until almost 10 : 00 tonight . I just may go on strike ! Kearney - The reason the house got hot was that the air conditioning went out . TM kept working with clients while she waited for the air conditioning guy to come . It took him almost three hours to fix everything . He is a good guy and fixes stuff for TM a lot ( remember the water heater earlier this month ? ) . TM said our food budget is shot for the month . Fortunately , we have a freezer full of stuff . No one will go hungry . Kearney - We went to Papa Ron 's tonight and didn 't get there until about 7 : 30 . PR had supper ready - not for us , for TM . We got locked in jail while they ate . Once they were done , we all went outside to plant the garden . I stayed by the cars because PR and TM were yelling at Aiden and Lowri . They didn 't want us running through the muddy garden spot . TM finally locked up Aiden cause he was being the wild dog . Once I was sure that they were busy with the garden , I went down to check on the lambs . Really . Just to check on them . Honest . Lowri and Daisy , the Peeking Knees came after me . TM finally realized we were missing . She called and called . I didn 't hear her . Really . Honest . Lowri - We had the best time gardening . I have never done that before . I ran back and forth through the mud . I even stole some of the potatoes they were planting . I tried to get some of the onions , corn , beans and peas , but after the potatoes , TM was watching me pretty closely . We got to play outside until dark . While TM and PR were cleaning the mud off their shoes , I went down to see what Kearney was up to . When TM called , I went right back . I was the good girl . Lowri - TM reminded me that I need to show better manners . Thank you , MC , for taking videos of me chasing . . . er , herding my sheep . Thank you , MP , for sending TM the link to the videos . There , that takes care of manners . Kearney and I got to hang out in the sitting room with TM . Usually we just stay in the kitchen . Kearney and I bounced on TM until she decided to go let us sit with her . I had to make some tough choices . Do I lay with Kearney at one end of the couch or sit in TM 's lap ? Kearney made it easy for me , he jumped off the couch so he could have some peace . I went over and sat on TM . She gives me lots of scritches . She also looked at my teeth . I have all my permanent teeth except for the top canines . It is pretty hard to eat bones when your teeth are loose and falling out ! Kearney - We had a busy day . TM brought us home from Papa Ron 's house . First , she had to catch four of the baby pheasant . They had gotten out of their tub . I offered to help TM catch them . I am sure I could have done it faster . TM made me go sit in the car while she caught them . Then she fed the stock , drove home , mowed the lawn , worked for eight hours , planted stuff in her new garden , fixed dinner for everyone and finally sat down . Lowri and I tried to stay out of her way . You don 't want to cross her line of sight when she gets busy like that , she will find something for you to do - just ask PR ! We got some chewies and played with them . I kept stealing Lowri 's chewie when she would go check on TM ( G ) I would lay on mine while I chewed on hers . It was great - except TM kept taking one of them away from me and giving it back to Lowri . I tried to explain that is what dogs do , but TM wasn 't listening . Lowri - Here is a VERY short video of me herding this weekend . MC 's battery in her camera was running out . I had the best day yesterday , because even if I didn 't get to show , I got to go . I got scritches and comments and got to watch Kearney and Treasure . Then I got to herd , then TM and MC called MP and told her how good I was . Finally , a day as it was supposed to be ! Kearney - Treasure and I were both Reserve Winners today - or as we call it " first loser " . We were looking good , but just didn 't quite get there . TM and MC still said they took the best dogs home . Lowri - I got to go to the dog show today too . I got to look pretty and kiss up to people . They thought I was very pretty . Then I got to go herd sheep . TM had the big mamas in the round pen . I chased them around and around . When TM told me to stop , I did . She was so happy with me . I love chasing the sheepies ! Kearney - I got two more points today ! I went Best of Winners . I now have eleven , with both majors . I am entered tomorrow , and in four shows in North Carolina in June . The only bad thing about going to shows is I didn 't get to herd today . Both Chase and Lowri got to herd , but I had to stay clean . Boo , hiss . Lowri - I got to go to the show . TM let me talk to a bunch of people . She and MC groomed me and walked me around . I had the best time ! When we got home , my daddy and I got to go herding . My daddy got to hear our favorite word - Awesome ! TM was VERY happy with how he did . He walked the stock around and showed TM that he could drive them with some help from her . I was very proud of him . When it was my turn , I tried to hurry to get there , but TM made me walk with her . Once I got to the round pen , she made me sit and wait while she went through the gate . I just wanted to hurry and get to the sheep . When she finally let me chase them , I went round and round in circles with the sheep . TM smacked me with the rake a couple of times to make me pay attention to her . It didn 't hurt at all , it is one of those soft , leaf rakes . I didn 't like getting smacked one bit , so I bit the rake a couple of times . When I was done with the sheep , TM was very happy with me too . I had the BEST time ! Kearney - Tomorrow is a dog show . I got my bath and we are at PR 's . TM brought the baby pheasant with us . They are in the garage in a tub with the heat lamp . Aidan is going crazy . When we got here , TM was very sad to find that Thor had been a VERY bad dog . He has been taken away from the lambs and put back with the ewes . If he doesn 't straighten out , he will not be living with us any more . I am NEVER going to be a VERY bad dog . Ducks are one thing , but lambs are another . On a better note , I get to go to the dog show too ! I got a bath today too . MC is going to groom me tomorrow . I will get to meet a lot of people . MC and TM are going to ask them to go over me to see if I can stand still . They think I am going to be like my daddy and my half - sister , Nola , and try to clean everyone 's face . What can I say , I come by it honestly . Kearney - At 6 : 30 this morning , TM got a call from the post office telling her to come get her package . TM jumped into her clothes and dashed off . Fortunately , she let us out to go potty first . She got back about 15 minutes later with a box that was cheeping ! Kearney - TM took the box into the house and put the pheasant babies in a big tub . We don 't get to see them . I wonder if I can herd them ? Aidan is going to go insane ( G ) Lowri - Yet another day where NOTHING fun happened ! After work , TM loaded us up and we went to PR 's . Now normally this is the start of a FUN evening . I get to play with everyone . Not today . TM took Kearney and let him work the lambs again ! I barely got to get out to potty . TM did let me play with Thor for a few minutes , but then back to jail . After she visited with PR , we came back home . I mean , really ! When do I get to be the center of attention ? ! ? ! ? Kearney - You have to have patience , Lowri . TM is working . The main reason we went to PR 's place tonight was so TM could doctor the lambs . She also fixed the fence where Thor has been getting out . She and PR had dinner together and then we had to come home . The baby pheasant are supposed to be delivered tomorrow and TM will have to get up early to go to the post office to get them . I did my best to help TM with the lambs . I held them for her so she could give them their shots . The injured one ( Thor was a BAD dog ) is doing fine so TM can stop this crazy schedule she has been keeping . We will get plenty of attention this weekend . We are off to dog shows again . I promised TM I wouldn 't get sick again ! Kearney - Sorry to be late with the blog , but TM had her hands full yesterday . We started at PR 's . TM got up early to doctor the lambs . I got to do the holding . Since we were in the barn , I was a little less precise . Not only that , the lambs were stomping at me . I barked at them , but didn 't want to move in too close . TM says I need to get some more confidence building . She thinks I will be awesome as a three - year old . Right now , I am not even two ! Anyway , TM got the doctoring done , and we left for home . She had a full day of work . We were let in and out between clients . When she had a break , she still didn 't play with us . She was busy cleaning house - PR was coming over . When her work day was done , PR showed up with the baby pheasant . They got the birds taken care of and we got to play with Aidan and Daisy . Aidan isn 't much fun to play with now cause all he wants to do is stare at the the pheasant . He just freezes . TM says that 's because he is a pointer . Lowri - All I can say is BORING ! The whole day was boring , boring , boring . Daisy and Aidan played with me a little , but not much . We did get to sit on the couch with TM and PR , but TM doesn 't like it when we wrestle on the couch when she wants to watch TV . Back to BORING ! Although I did try to enliven the day by eating the bird food . It didn 't sit well on my tummy , so I erp ' ed it back up . TM wasn 't amused . Kearney - Yesterday was all about Lowri . She is flashy and cute and a pistol . It is hard to compete with that when you are so far advanced from flash work . I am TM 's Go - To dog . I do the work that needs to be done with the lambs . I am supposed to do my job slowly and quietly ( or sometimes fast and quiet ) . The goal is to keep the lambs quiet and relaxed . If I do say so myself , I am pretty good at that . Yesterday , TM wanted to check out the lambs , so I held them for her . Today , I rounded them up and put them in the hold pen so she could give them shots . I stood at the opening and did not even let them think about trying to get by me . It is all done using that calm , but commanding , presence . TM got the lambs checked and shot in about 10 minutes - and that was from leaving PR 's house , getting to the barn , setting it up , doctoring the lambs , feeding them and getting back in the car . I am a very good Go - To dog ! Kearney - I 'll go first or I will never get to talk ! I got to help TM today with the worming of the lambs . She even left me in charge while she put away the medicine . I didn 't move . I just held the lambs in that corner . When TM came back , she let me move the lambs around the field . She told me I was awesome ! I had the best time . Lowri - I was the Warrior Princess , Xena , today . I made the big mamas move fast ! It was so much fun . MC took lots of pictures and took another video . I am sure TM will post some of the pictures . Oh look , here is one now . They also took some pictures of me stacked on the table . But the most fun was chasing the sheep ! Here is the video of me on sheep . MC took two videos but TM says I was too wild in the first one . She tried to use the stick . I blew right through it . This video shows that she got the rake . When she tried to make me move out further , I growled at the rake . I was Xena ! Lowri - My daddy is here with us . I was so happy to see him . Someone else to play with me ! Last night , TM , my daddy and I all sacked out on the couch in the sitting room . My daddy would go to one end and take a nap . I would lay with him . We looked so sweet together ( TM 's new camera was in the van , the old one was battery challenged ) . Then Daddy would go kiss up to TM . They were playing kissy face . I hurried over and played too . Surely no one noticed that I shoved my daddy away from TM . I did it pretty cleverly . Today I got to stay outside and play with Kearney and then my daddy and then Kearney and then my daddy . TM had to work . Poor TM . It was a beautiful day . When she was done working and training Kearney and my daddy on ducks ( I DID NOT get to play with the ducks - NOT fair ! ) , TM loaded us all up and took us to Papa Ron 's house . It was pouring rain when we got there . It looked like we might have to swim up the driveway . When we got to the house , we hustled inside . TM got soaked ( giggle ) . Five minutes later the rain stopped . Kearney - I told TM not to go get Chase and she did . I told her that I could herd the ducks better , but she let him try anyway . Then last night , Chase got on the couch before I could . Well , in truth , I only like being on the couch for a minute or two anyway , so I guess I can 't complain about that . Today , TM had me driving the ducks up and down the length and width of the yard . I did a good job . TM told me I was excellent . She worked Chase too . He got told he was excellent too . He was starting to get stressed before they were done , ' cause TM was teaching him to pick the ducks up off the fence . He wanted to hold them to her . Since he was getting stressed , she let him push the ducks around a bit to cheer him up . He was quite cheery when they were done . Tomorrow , we get to work sheep ! Lowri - Our blogsite was down for maintenance for TWO days . I couldn 't record any of my thoughts . And really , I had some . But in the meantime I saw a bunny , so all those thoughts went away . Kearney - TM let me herd ducks two days in a row . She has been very happy with my work . Yesterday , she went and got Chase from MC . I told her she didn 't have to , but she went and did it anyway . Today , she let Chase work the ducks . She is asking him to do stuff that I already know , like drive the ducks and do big circles around them . Chase did a lot of yawning . I think he finds it boring . Actually , I know he is yawning because he is confused as to WHY TM wants him to move the duckies away from her . I remember how that felt . Now , I just try to listen to what TM wants me to do . It makes her very happy when I do . TM was very happy with Chase when he was done . Chase said if that makes TM happy , he would just try to do it too . Lowri - We all really like it when TM is happy . Because no one is happy if she isn 't ( snicker ) We hadn 't had dinner yet , so we were drooling . TM let me clean up what she was dropping . Lowri had to stay crated until TM was done . Boy , was Lowri MAD ! Lowri - I barked and barked at TM to try and get her to let me out . She wouldn 't until I was quiet ! I mean really , who is training whom here ? ? ? I bark , she is supposed to jump . I don 't think TM read the rules . But , oh man , the new food was good ! Kearney and I got it for supper tonight . Then TM let me out so I could help her clean up . I am a very good helper ! TM said she made 22 pounds of food tonight . All I can say is " YUM ! " Lowri - Whoa , I just taught TM a BAD trick . Apparently , once she knows that we know the word Come , it is no longer fun and games . She expects us to actually come . We get happy voice , good words and scritches when we come . But if we give her the paw , because we have other things to do , she is not happy . I did it twice to her tonight . I don 't think I will do it again ! She walked me down , picked me up , chewed me out , shook me just a little bit , growled some more , then put me down . When she called me and I came beat feet to her , she was her normal , happy self . I got lots of scritches . When she called me the last time , I thought about the paw , but I chose to go to her instead . She was very happy with me . Kearney - I remember that , kind of vaguely . I know it is good to come when she calls . She is always happy then . TM says this is a very important word . She wants us to come EVERY time . It is a really good trick , Lowri . TM says it could save our life someday . You are much better off to just give in and come when she calls . Lowri - Yeah ( snicker ) , TM has had her phone for about four years . Today she discovered she has a speakerphone . All I can say is Read the instruction booklet , MP ! Obviously , TM didn 't ( giggle , giggle ) . Kearney - TM was happy this morning that she could take a hot shower . She had plenty of hot water . There was actually too much . Both Lowri and I landed in hot water when TM found us with another dead duck . We couldn 't even try to blame anyone else . It was pretty obvious that we did it . TM barely talked to us for the rest of the afternoon . Lowri - Well , it wasn 't our fault . The stupid duck had got out of her pen . What were we supposed to do ? ? ? ? TM fixed the hole where they apparently were escaping . Too bad . I learned a new trick . Last night , TM was tossing me hotdog pieces . After the first few bounced off my head , I started trying to catch them . Tonight I caught several pieces . TM seemed pretty pleased . When we got back , I got my peds cured again . Geez , that seems to happen a lot ! I also got to see another one of TM clients . She thought I was beautiful ! She gave me good scritches . Overall , it was a good day . I just think we should forget about the duck part . Kearney - My sister , Treasure , won the point at the show today . I was glad to hear that as it was a long way to go . My aunt , Monroe , has been visiting us while MC was away . TM says she has been a perfect houseguest . She errrrr ' ed a few times at Lowri , but the brat deserved it . Auntie Monroe didn 't punish her once ! TM was impressed . Lowri - Kearney , TM was too busy with the waterheater to be impressed with anything Miss Monroe did . She had to have those people over twice . One of them did scritch me , but not for very long . I looked my cutest trying to get more scritches , but they just wanted to get the the job done so they could leave . At least while she waited for them to come back today , she took me for a walk . It was great ! I got a hotdog , just for trotting beside TM and then stopping and looking pretty . I mean how hard is THAT ? I look pretty when I first get up in the morning ! Kearney - Here is a picture of me ( ignore the brat ) showing I am feeling good . TM said I was moving too fast to get good focus with the camera . But you can see what I have to put up with from the child . It is like this all the time ! Lowri - I was having a Xena , Warrior Princess , moment . TM is still dealing with the water heater . The guy came , looked at it , and left . TM says he went away to spend ALL of her money . I hope he doesn 't , entry fees for my first show are due ! Kearney - I am all better now . I am feeling my oats , running and playing with Lowri and Monroe . TM finally figured out that I am psychic . Because we were home today , she was able to get all over the problem when the water heater gave up the ghost this morning . If we had been at the show , just think of the mess she would have been dealing with when she got back late Sunday night ! I am a very good boy ! Kearney - Although I got better all day long , TM took me to see the chiropractor . While she waited for him to see me , she massaged my neck and back . I got 25 minutes of massage . YUM ! When the Dr . came out , he watched me move , then I went back onto the table where he started adjusting me . I was out all up my spine , from the croup on . When he finished he had TM move me again . WOW , I felt so good . My reach and drive was smoother and longer - strided . Everything moved like it was supposed to . Then they put me back on the table and made a few more adjustments . I am able to run again . I am still guarding my back a bit , but with more massage , I will be better than I was . TM and the chiropractor discussed what had happened overnight . The doctor did not think it was caused by my back . My recovery was too fast ( before he even got to touch me ) . He thinks I had an inflammatory response ( allergic ) to something . He liked that I am on a raw diet , but couldn 't offer much more . MP had suggested an allergic response earlier in the day . TM is going to document everything she can think of that happened so they can maybe figure it out if I ever do this again . All I can say is that I feel pretty good tonight . Kearney - no show for us . I had a bad night and scary day . When TM let us out this morning , I could barely move . She was very gentle and helped me out , but I didn 't want to even stand up . All my legs were involved , but one front and one rear in particular . TM put me on the table and massaged me . Ohhhhh , that felt good . She kept Lowri away from me and just let me rest . Of course , I ate my breakfast . I am a Corgi after all ! Apparently I did this once before , right after my brother , Angus , died from lymphoma . TM doesn 't remember it , but MC does . She told TM all about it . I don 't understand how human minds work . MC wasn 't here and she remembers it all , TM helped me then and doesn 't remember it at all . She tries to remember , but just starts to cry . Anyway , there was nothing to be found last time . TM gave me a Rimadyl and did lots of massage . We go see the chiropractor in about an hour . I am feeling much better already and can move around pretty good . MC is going to the show by herself with Chase and Treasure . I sure wish I could go . Lowri - TM went to MC 's to give her back all the show equipment and brought Monroe home with her . WOW ! Monroe is famous ! She won Best Red Bitch at the Megan a few years ago AND also is an Award of Merit winner at the Nationals . I want to be like her ! TM and MC both say she is a princess - I don 't think it is the Xena type . I am going to try to find out what she does so I can be famous too . Kearney - We are going to a show tomorrow . I get to be in it . I know ' cause TM gave me a bath . I feel all nice and clean - and not very smelly at all ! I can 't wait . It is fun going with TM and MC . Lowri - TM mowed the lawn today . Kearney and I both got to run around like crazy . I was Xena , Warrior Princess . I chased him and stalked him . When he wasn 't looking , I tackled him . It was great ! Then TM called us in and gave Kearney a bath . I went over to the tub and put my very green feet up on the tub so I could see . TM just laughed at me , but I didn 't get a bath . I watched for quite a while to see what she does . After she dried Kearney off with a towel , she put him in his crate . I got put on the table and was fed a hotdog . I LOVE being on the table . TM cured my peds while I was up there . I didn 't like that very much , but I am a delicate princess ( when I am not Xena ) . We princesses need to have our peds cured on a regular basis . I got more hotdog afterwards . It is good being me . Lowri - I didn 't get to be Xena , Warrior Princess yesterday . Instead , Papa Ron came over and we watched TV in the sitting room . I got to chill out on the sofa with TM and PR . Sometimes Aidan sat with us . He sits ON PR 's lap . That looks silly , he is a great big dog ! When we would go outside , Aidan would make a beeline for MY ducks . He would bark and bark at them . I don 't think he has good guest manners . Kearney - Daisy came over too . She as been chasing me around doing rude things to me . TM says her hormones are up probably because she is sick . PR took her to the vet yesterday and got her some pills . I hope they fix her , ' cause it is embarrassing ! I mean really , she isn 't even a girl anymore . PR had her spayed . I was going to say she was fixed , but right now , she is broken ! Lowri - Here is another picture of me herding on Sunday . If you look closely at my feet , you will see that I am mud up to my armpits . The round pen has wet weather spring runoff going through the middle of it . It is really , really muddy . You can 't be a princess if you are going to be herding ! Unless you are Xena , Warrior Princess , as my friend , Renee , says . I think that should be my new name . Xena . . . yes , it sounds like me . I think I could have good adventures as Xena , the Warrior Princess . Kearney - Oh goody , now we have to deal with a warrior princess . I bet I can still win the game of " roll Lowri in the grass . " In fact , it rained today and I definitely won that game . The Warrior Princess was the Wet , Bedraggled Serf ( snicker ) . Kearney - Finally another picture of me . I was learning to hold the lambs on a straight fence on Sunday . TM insisted that I stay back and hold them from a distance . This picture proves that I CAN . I made them stay right there on that fenceline . TM would make them move around , but I held them right there . It was fun . Lowri - TM told Kearney that he was awesome . He has been working so hard on learning how to do the advanced work . I want to be a good herding dog like him when I grow up . I am married to a wonderful man . I am a hard working , hard playing woman in her late 50 's . I herd sheep and ducks with my Cardigan Welsh Corgis . |
Lowri - Ticks ! I had two ticks on me ! One on my ear that was walking around and one on my neck . TM killed them and then put some Frontline on me . She is going to go over Kearney and me with a fine - tooth comb , whatever that is . I am just glad she is taking care of us . I don 't LIKE ticks . Lowri - Here is the video that MC took yesterday . You can see me making the sheep move around and even into a crash with TM ( giggle ) . I hope you like it . TM - Thanks to all our veterans who have kept us safe and free . Cheryl 's , Penni 's and my fathers were veterans . They served in the Air Force , Coast Guard and Army . Ron was a Green Beret . Additionally , I have uncles , cousins and a brother who all served in the military . Thank you ! Lowri - I had the BEST time today ! I got to go help TM with the sheep . We went into the round pen - I sat at the gate . I forgot to hold my stay again , but TM didn 't have me on leash so she couldn 't make me go back . You should have seen her hustle to try and prevent me from getting to the big mamas ( giggle ) . When she told me to STOP , I did . That made her happy . Then she let me move the sheep around . They are afraid of me . I have POWER . TM said the sheep were knocking her around , so she let four of them out of the pen . I got to help with that too ! ! ! I moved the sheep so TM could let out the ones she wanted to let out . With only three sheep , she didn 't get beat up so badly . I LOVE herding ! ! ! ! TM will post the video tomorrow . Kearney - I got to herd too . I moved the sheep around the big field to make sure they would behave for Chase . Then I got to hold them at the fence while TM worked on them . I did that so well , TM told me I was AWESOME ! I did not let the sheep get away and I didn 't try to charge in . I just held my distance , and told the sheep to not even try to escape . TM was VERY happy with me . Then TM let me cool off and she worked Chase in the big field . He got told he was awesome too . There was a lot of that word being said today . Chase showed he had really paid attention the last few weeks in the round pen . All the walking up and " steady " work really paid off . He responded to " get out " and " here " . I better stay on top of my game or Chase will take over . TM was really happy with him . My sister , Treasure , got to work the lambs . She was in the round pen and just chased after them . TM cheered her on . I was with MC and I told Treasure what to do . I shouted out encouragement - even though she was just chasing them . TM told her she was very good . I wish I got to chase the lambs too ! TM said she is building drive and that Treasure didn 't just chase them , she fetched them to TM and worked them a little . TM said she wouldn 't allow outright chasing , but she does want Treasure to be more enthusiastic , that is why we were all cheering Treasure on . It was a good day ! Kearney - Saturdays are fun days . We let TM sleep in - or rather some of us do . This morning , Lowri had to go outside to potty at 7 : 00 AM . We all got to go , then TM went back to bed until 9 : 00 . Then we went out again . That is a good start to the day . TM and Papa Ron had to go to town . She told us that she saw a mama wild turkey with about 15 babies crossing the road . I wish I had been there . I am sure we could have caught some of them to put in the bird pen , although , I guess Aidan would have been a better choice for helping to catch them . He has such a soft mouth . I saw him take baby birds out of their nest once . He set them on the ground and they were unhurt . TM put them back in the nest . I am pretty sure I would have eaten them . TM took the four oldest pheasant down to the barn to the bird enclosure . She spread a little hay along one wall for them to nest in . Two minutes after turning them loose in there , she couldn 't see even one of them . They had gone to ground in the hay and weren 't moving . I ask you , what fun is that ? So we went herding . I worked the lambs in the smaller field . I moved them all around the fenceline . I brought them to TM and I took them away from her . TM said I was " Excellent . " I just know that I was a good dog ( she said that too ) , and I like helping TM put the lambs where she wants them - even if she changes her mind a lot . Lowri - My daddy went next . TM said he was a good dog too . He tries to listen , but he is still pretty sure he knows the best way to move them . Tomorrow , TM says he gets to work in the big field with the big mamas . I can 't wait until I can do that too . I got to go last . TM had me sit at the gates and wait until she was inside . I did that very well , cause I know how to . When we got to the round pen , I forgot that I was supposed to wait until TM told me I could go chase the sheep . TM made me come back and sit . Finally ( ! ) she told me I could go get them . I ran around her to the big mamas and told them to hurry . They did ( giggle ) . I moved them around and around TM , both directions . Then I helped her keep them moving along the fence . I even stopped and rested when she told me too . TM said I was the best dog . I didn 't gloat about that to Kearney and my daddy . I am pretty sure that they each think they are the best dog . Lowri - Last night TM fixed up another big pot of our food . I LOVE it when that happens . We all got to help TM clean it up . Even my daddy helped clean up . Then this morning we got to go out and play in the rain . It rained most of the morning . I think TM is getting tired of all the rain . I like it cause I can get good and muddy ! My daddy played with me for most of the day . TM had a bit of extra time this afternoon , so she came out to play with us . She let my daddy and Kearney play with the ducks . I shouted insults when they didn 't do it right . I don 't think TM appreciated my help . Kearney - I got to work the ducks first . TM said I was awesome ! I love making her say that word to me . I drove the ducks around the yard on the fenceline and sometimes in straight lines through the middle of the yard . I love working my stock . TM said she melted Chase 's brain today . He was trying to drive the ducks across the yard . He doesn 't like having to walk . She worked on helping him to be more responsive . At the end , she let him push the ducks . That made him happy . She ended with lots of hugs for him . I didn 't mind because I got lots of hugs too . Kearney - We had big thunderstorms several times today . The first one brought a bunch of hail with it . While Lowri and I were outside , we were hanging out on the back porch . Boy , did it ever rain and hail ! TM was busy with clients all day . She made sure we came in after that first storm . Lowri - Our housekeeper came today . I got LOTS of scritches . Ginger loves me . She knows all the best spots to scratch . After work , MC came over and brought my daddy . He and I got to go outside and play . MC and TM put me on the table and fed me good stuff . They looked at my teeth and MC made me stand just so . They are getting me ready for my beauty pageant . In just over three weeks , I have my debut , or as I like to say , my de - butt ( giggle ) Lowri - After our late evening playing in the garden , we let TM sleep in this morning . She and PR just hung out for another hour and then TM brought us home . We didn 't get fed until almost 11 : 00 this morning . I was hungry ! Then instead of keeping the house cool for us all day , TM let it get really hot inside . And THEN to add insult to injury , we didn 't get fed our supper until almost 10 : 00 tonight . I just may go on strike ! Kearney - The reason the house got hot was that the air conditioning went out . TM kept working with clients while she waited for the air conditioning guy to come . It took him almost three hours to fix everything . He is a good guy and fixes stuff for TM a lot ( remember the water heater earlier this month ? ) . TM said our food budget is shot for the month . Fortunately , we have a freezer full of stuff . No one will go hungry . Kearney - We went to Papa Ron 's tonight and didn 't get there until about 7 : 30 . PR had supper ready - not for us , for TM . We got locked in jail while they ate . Once they were done , we all went outside to plant the garden . I stayed by the cars because PR and TM were yelling at Aiden and Lowri . They didn 't want us running through the muddy garden spot . TM finally locked up Aiden cause he was being the wild dog . Once I was sure that they were busy with the garden , I went down to check on the lambs . Really . Just to check on them . Honest . Lowri and Daisy , the Peeking Knees came after me . TM finally realized we were missing . She called and called . I didn 't hear her . Really . Honest . Lowri - We had the best time gardening . I have never done that before . I ran back and forth through the mud . I even stole some of the potatoes they were planting . I tried to get some of the onions , corn , beans and peas , but after the potatoes , TM was watching me pretty closely . We got to play outside until dark . While TM and PR were cleaning the mud off their shoes , I went down to see what Kearney was up to . When TM called , I went right back . I was the good girl . Lowri - TM reminded me that I need to show better manners . Thank you , MC , for taking videos of me chasing . . . er , herding my sheep . Thank you , MP , for sending TM the link to the videos . There , that takes care of manners . Kearney and I got to hang out in the sitting room with TM . Usually we just stay in the kitchen . Kearney and I bounced on TM until she decided to go let us sit with her . I had to make some tough choices . Do I lay with Kearney at one end of the couch or sit in TM 's lap ? Kearney made it easy for me , he jumped off the couch so he could have some peace . I went over and sat on TM . She gives me lots of scritches . She also looked at my teeth . I have all my permanent teeth except for the top canines . It is pretty hard to eat bones when your teeth are loose and falling out ! Kearney - We had a busy day . TM brought us home from Papa Ron 's house . First , she had to catch four of the baby pheasant . They had gotten out of their tub . I offered to help TM catch them . I am sure I could have done it faster . TM made me go sit in the car while she caught them . Then she fed the stock , drove home , mowed the lawn , worked for eight hours , planted stuff in her new garden , fixed dinner for everyone and finally sat down . Lowri and I tried to stay out of her way . You don 't want to cross her line of sight when she gets busy like that , she will find something for you to do - just ask PR ! We got some chewies and played with them . I kept stealing Lowri 's chewie when she would go check on TM ( G ) I would lay on mine while I chewed on hers . It was great - except TM kept taking one of them away from me and giving it back to Lowri . I tried to explain that is what dogs do , but TM wasn 't listening . Lowri - Here is a VERY short video of me herding this weekend . MC 's battery in her camera was running out . I had the best day yesterday , because even if I didn 't get to show , I got to go . I got scritches and comments and got to watch Kearney and Treasure . Then I got to herd , then TM and MC called MP and told her how good I was . Finally , a day as it was supposed to be ! Kearney - Treasure and I were both Reserve Winners today - or as we call it " first loser " . We were looking good , but just didn 't quite get there . TM and MC still said they took the best dogs home . Lowri - I got to go to the dog show today too . I got to look pretty and kiss up to people . They thought I was very pretty . Then I got to go herd sheep . TM had the big mamas in the round pen . I chased them around and around . When TM told me to stop , I did . She was so happy with me . I love chasing the sheepies ! Kearney - I got two more points today ! I went Best of Winners . I now have eleven , with both majors . I am entered tomorrow , and in four shows in North Carolina in June . The only bad thing about going to shows is I didn 't get to herd today . Both Chase and Lowri got to herd , but I had to stay clean . Boo , hiss . Lowri - I got to go to the show . TM let me talk to a bunch of people . She and MC groomed me and walked me around . I had the best time ! When we got home , my daddy and I got to go herding . My daddy got to hear our favorite word - Awesome ! TM was VERY happy with how he did . He walked the stock around and showed TM that he could drive them with some help from her . I was very proud of him . When it was my turn , I tried to hurry to get there , but TM made me walk with her . Once I got to the round pen , she made me sit and wait while she went through the gate . I just wanted to hurry and get to the sheep . When she finally let me chase them , I went round and round in circles with the sheep . TM smacked me with the rake a couple of times to make me pay attention to her . It didn 't hurt at all , it is one of those soft , leaf rakes . I didn 't like getting smacked one bit , so I bit the rake a couple of times . When I was done with the sheep , TM was very happy with me too . I had the BEST time ! Kearney - Tomorrow is a dog show . I got my bath and we are at PR 's . TM brought the baby pheasant with us . They are in the garage in a tub with the heat lamp . Aidan is going crazy . When we got here , TM was very sad to find that Thor had been a VERY bad dog . He has been taken away from the lambs and put back with the ewes . If he doesn 't straighten out , he will not be living with us any more . I am NEVER going to be a VERY bad dog . Ducks are one thing , but lambs are another . On a better note , I get to go to the dog show too ! I got a bath today too . MC is going to groom me tomorrow . I will get to meet a lot of people . MC and TM are going to ask them to go over me to see if I can stand still . They think I am going to be like my daddy and my half - sister , Nola , and try to clean everyone 's face . What can I say , I come by it honestly . Kearney - At 6 : 30 this morning , TM got a call from the post office telling her to come get her package . TM jumped into her clothes and dashed off . Fortunately , she let us out to go potty first . She got back about 15 minutes later with a box that was cheeping ! Kearney - TM took the box into the house and put the pheasant babies in a big tub . We don 't get to see them . I wonder if I can herd them ? Aidan is going to go insane ( G ) Lowri - Yet another day where NOTHING fun happened ! After work , TM loaded us up and we went to PR 's . Now normally this is the start of a FUN evening . I get to play with everyone . Not today . TM took Kearney and let him work the lambs again ! I barely got to get out to potty . TM did let me play with Thor for a few minutes , but then back to jail . After she visited with PR , we came back home . I mean , really ! When do I get to be the center of attention ? ! ? ! ? Kearney - You have to have patience , Lowri . TM is working . The main reason we went to PR 's place tonight was so TM could doctor the lambs . She also fixed the fence where Thor has been getting out . She and PR had dinner together and then we had to come home . The baby pheasant are supposed to be delivered tomorrow and TM will have to get up early to go to the post office to get them . I did my best to help TM with the lambs . I held them for her so she could give them their shots . The injured one ( Thor was a BAD dog ) is doing fine so TM can stop this crazy schedule she has been keeping . We will get plenty of attention this weekend . We are off to dog shows again . I promised TM I wouldn 't get sick again ! Kearney - Sorry to be late with the blog , but TM had her hands full yesterday . We started at PR 's . TM got up early to doctor the lambs . I got to do the holding . Since we were in the barn , I was a little less precise . Not only that , the lambs were stomping at me . I barked at them , but didn 't want to move in too close . TM says I need to get some more confidence building . She thinks I will be awesome as a three - year old . Right now , I am not even two ! Anyway , TM got the doctoring done , and we left for home . She had a full day of work . We were let in and out between clients . When she had a break , she still didn 't play with us . She was busy cleaning house - PR was coming over . When her work day was done , PR showed up with the baby pheasant . They got the birds taken care of and we got to play with Aidan and Daisy . Aidan isn 't much fun to play with now cause all he wants to do is stare at the the pheasant . He just freezes . TM says that 's because he is a pointer . Lowri - All I can say is BORING ! The whole day was boring , boring , boring . Daisy and Aidan played with me a little , but not much . We did get to sit on the couch with TM and PR , but TM doesn 't like it when we wrestle on the couch when she wants to watch TV . Back to BORING ! Although I did try to enliven the day by eating the bird food . It didn 't sit well on my tummy , so I erp ' ed it back up . TM wasn 't amused . Kearney - Yesterday was all about Lowri . She is flashy and cute and a pistol . It is hard to compete with that when you are so far advanced from flash work . I am TM 's Go - To dog . I do the work that needs to be done with the lambs . I am supposed to do my job slowly and quietly ( or sometimes fast and quiet ) . The goal is to keep the lambs quiet and relaxed . If I do say so myself , I am pretty good at that . Yesterday , TM wanted to check out the lambs , so I held them for her . Today , I rounded them up and put them in the hold pen so she could give them shots . I stood at the opening and did not even let them think about trying to get by me . It is all done using that calm , but commanding , presence . TM got the lambs checked and shot in about 10 minutes - and that was from leaving PR 's house , getting to the barn , setting it up , doctoring the lambs , feeding them and getting back in the car . I am a very good Go - To dog ! Kearney - I 'll go first or I will never get to talk ! I got to help TM today with the worming of the lambs . She even left me in charge while she put away the medicine . I didn 't move . I just held the lambs in that corner . When TM came back , she let me move the lambs around the field . She told me I was awesome ! I had the best time . Lowri - I was the Warrior Princess , Xena , today . I made the big mamas move fast ! It was so much fun . MC took lots of pictures and took another video . I am sure TM will post some of the pictures . Oh look , here is one now . They also took some pictures of me stacked on the table . But the most fun was chasing the sheep ! Here is the video of me on sheep . MC took two videos but TM says I was too wild in the first one . She tried to use the stick . I blew right through it . This video shows that she got the rake . When she tried to make me move out further , I growled at the rake . I was Xena ! Lowri - My daddy is here with us . I was so happy to see him . Someone else to play with me ! Last night , TM , my daddy and I all sacked out on the couch in the sitting room . My daddy would go to one end and take a nap . I would lay with him . We looked so sweet together ( TM 's new camera was in the van , the old one was battery challenged ) . Then Daddy would go kiss up to TM . They were playing kissy face . I hurried over and played too . Surely no one noticed that I shoved my daddy away from TM . I did it pretty cleverly . Today I got to stay outside and play with Kearney and then my daddy and then Kearney and then my daddy . TM had to work . Poor TM . It was a beautiful day . When she was done working and training Kearney and my daddy on ducks ( I DID NOT get to play with the ducks - NOT fair ! ) , TM loaded us all up and took us to Papa Ron 's house . It was pouring rain when we got there . It looked like we might have to swim up the driveway . When we got to the house , we hustled inside . TM got soaked ( giggle ) . Five minutes later the rain stopped . Kearney - I told TM not to go get Chase and she did . I told her that I could herd the ducks better , but she let him try anyway . Then last night , Chase got on the couch before I could . Well , in truth , I only like being on the couch for a minute or two anyway , so I guess I can 't complain about that . Today , TM had me driving the ducks up and down the length and width of the yard . I did a good job . TM told me I was excellent . She worked Chase too . He got told he was excellent too . He was starting to get stressed before they were done , ' cause TM was teaching him to pick the ducks up off the fence . He wanted to hold them to her . Since he was getting stressed , she let him push the ducks around a bit to cheer him up . He was quite cheery when they were done . Tomorrow , we get to work sheep ! Lowri - Our blogsite was down for maintenance for TWO days . I couldn 't record any of my thoughts . And really , I had some . But in the meantime I saw a bunny , so all those thoughts went away . Kearney - TM let me herd ducks two days in a row . She has been very happy with my work . Yesterday , she went and got Chase from MC . I told her she didn 't have to , but she went and did it anyway . Today , she let Chase work the ducks . She is asking him to do stuff that I already know , like drive the ducks and do big circles around them . Chase did a lot of yawning . I think he finds it boring . Actually , I know he is yawning because he is confused as to WHY TM wants him to move the duckies away from her . I remember how that felt . Now , I just try to listen to what TM wants me to do . It makes her very happy when I do . TM was very happy with Chase when he was done . Chase said if that makes TM happy , he would just try to do it too . Lowri - We all really like it when TM is happy . Because no one is happy if she isn 't ( snicker ) We hadn 't had dinner yet , so we were drooling . TM let me clean up what she was dropping . Lowri had to stay crated until TM was done . Boy , was Lowri MAD ! Lowri - I barked and barked at TM to try and get her to let me out . She wouldn 't until I was quiet ! I mean really , who is training whom here ? ? ? I bark , she is supposed to jump . I don 't think TM read the rules . But , oh man , the new food was good ! Kearney and I got it for supper tonight . Then TM let me out so I could help her clean up . I am a very good helper ! TM said she made 22 pounds of food tonight . All I can say is " YUM ! " Lowri - Whoa , I just taught TM a BAD trick . Apparently , once she knows that we know the word Come , it is no longer fun and games . She expects us to actually come . We get happy voice , good words and scritches when we come . But if we give her the paw , because we have other things to do , she is not happy . I did it twice to her tonight . I don 't think I will do it again ! She walked me down , picked me up , chewed me out , shook me just a little bit , growled some more , then put me down . When she called me and I came beat feet to her , she was her normal , happy self . I got lots of scritches . When she called me the last time , I thought about the paw , but I chose to go to her instead . She was very happy with me . Kearney - I remember that , kind of vaguely . I know it is good to come when she calls . She is always happy then . TM says this is a very important word . She wants us to come EVERY time . It is a really good trick , Lowri . TM says it could save our life someday . You are much better off to just give in and come when she calls . Lowri - Yeah ( snicker ) , TM has had her phone for about four years . Today she discovered she has a speakerphone . All I can say is Read the instruction booklet , MP ! Obviously , TM didn 't ( giggle , giggle ) . Kearney - TM was happy this morning that she could take a hot shower . She had plenty of hot water . There was actually too much . Both Lowri and I landed in hot water when TM found us with another dead duck . We couldn 't even try to blame anyone else . It was pretty obvious that we did it . TM barely talked to us for the rest of the afternoon . Lowri - Well , it wasn 't our fault . The stupid duck had got out of her pen . What were we supposed to do ? ? ? ? TM fixed the hole where they apparently were escaping . Too bad . I learned a new trick . Last night , TM was tossing me hotdog pieces . After the first few bounced off my head , I started trying to catch them . Tonight I caught several pieces . TM seemed pretty pleased . When we got back , I got my peds cured again . Geez , that seems to happen a lot ! I also got to see another one of TM clients . She thought I was beautiful ! She gave me good scritches . Overall , it was a good day . I just think we should forget about the duck part . Kearney - My sister , Treasure , won the point at the show today . I was glad to hear that as it was a long way to go . My aunt , Monroe , has been visiting us while MC was away . TM says she has been a perfect houseguest . She errrrr ' ed a few times at Lowri , but the brat deserved it . Auntie Monroe didn 't punish her once ! TM was impressed . Lowri - Kearney , TM was too busy with the waterheater to be impressed with anything Miss Monroe did . She had to have those people over twice . One of them did scritch me , but not for very long . I looked my cutest trying to get more scritches , but they just wanted to get the the job done so they could leave . At least while she waited for them to come back today , she took me for a walk . It was great ! I got a hotdog , just for trotting beside TM and then stopping and looking pretty . I mean how hard is THAT ? I look pretty when I first get up in the morning ! Kearney - Here is a picture of me ( ignore the brat ) showing I am feeling good . TM said I was moving too fast to get good focus with the camera . But you can see what I have to put up with from the child . It is like this all the time ! Lowri - I was having a Xena , Warrior Princess , moment . TM is still dealing with the water heater . The guy came , looked at it , and left . TM says he went away to spend ALL of her money . I hope he doesn 't , entry fees for my first show are due ! Kearney - I am all better now . I am feeling my oats , running and playing with Lowri and Monroe . TM finally figured out that I am psychic . Because we were home today , she was able to get all over the problem when the water heater gave up the ghost this morning . If we had been at the show , just think of the mess she would have been dealing with when she got back late Sunday night ! I am a very good boy ! Kearney - Although I got better all day long , TM took me to see the chiropractor . While she waited for him to see me , she massaged my neck and back . I got 25 minutes of massage . YUM ! When the Dr . came out , he watched me move , then I went back onto the table where he started adjusting me . I was out all up my spine , from the croup on . When he finished he had TM move me again . WOW , I felt so good . My reach and drive was smoother and longer - strided . Everything moved like it was supposed to . Then they put me back on the table and made a few more adjustments . I am able to run again . I am still guarding my back a bit , but with more massage , I will be better than I was . TM and the chiropractor discussed what had happened overnight . The doctor did not think it was caused by my back . My recovery was too fast ( before he even got to touch me ) . He thinks I had an inflammatory response ( allergic ) to something . He liked that I am on a raw diet , but couldn 't offer much more . MP had suggested an allergic response earlier in the day . TM is going to document everything she can think of that happened so they can maybe figure it out if I ever do this again . All I can say is that I feel pretty good tonight . Kearney - no show for us . I had a bad night and scary day . When TM let us out this morning , I could barely move . She was very gentle and helped me out , but I didn 't want to even stand up . All my legs were involved , but one front and one rear in particular . TM put me on the table and massaged me . Ohhhhh , that felt good . She kept Lowri away from me and just let me rest . Of course , I ate my breakfast . I am a Corgi after all ! Apparently I did this once before , right after my brother , Angus , died from lymphoma . TM doesn 't remember it , but MC does . She told TM all about it . I don 't understand how human minds work . MC wasn 't here and she remembers it all , TM helped me then and doesn 't remember it at all . She tries to remember , but just starts to cry . Anyway , there was nothing to be found last time . TM gave me a Rimadyl and did lots of massage . We go see the chiropractor in about an hour . I am feeling much better already and can move around pretty good . MC is going to the show by herself with Chase and Treasure . I sure wish I could go . Lowri - TM went to MC 's to give her back all the show equipment and brought Monroe home with her . WOW ! Monroe is famous ! She won Best Red Bitch at the Megan a few years ago AND also is an Award of Merit winner at the Nationals . I want to be like her ! TM and MC both say she is a princess - I don 't think it is the Xena type . I am going to try to find out what she does so I can be famous too . Kearney - We are going to a show tomorrow . I get to be in it . I know ' cause TM gave me a bath . I feel all nice and clean - and not very smelly at all ! I can 't wait . It is fun going with TM and MC . Lowri - TM mowed the lawn today . Kearney and I both got to run around like crazy . I was Xena , Warrior Princess . I chased him and stalked him . When he wasn 't looking , I tackled him . It was great ! Then TM called us in and gave Kearney a bath . I went over to the tub and put my very green feet up on the tub so I could see . TM just laughed at me , but I didn 't get a bath . I watched for quite a while to see what she does . After she dried Kearney off with a towel , she put him in his crate . I got put on the table and was fed a hotdog . I LOVE being on the table . TM cured my peds while I was up there . I didn 't like that very much , but I am a delicate princess ( when I am not Xena ) . We princesses need to have our peds cured on a regular basis . I got more hotdog afterwards . It is good being me . Lowri - I didn 't get to be Xena , Warrior Princess yesterday . Instead , Papa Ron came over and we watched TV in the sitting room . I got to chill out on the sofa with TM and PR . Sometimes Aidan sat with us . He sits ON PR 's lap . That looks silly , he is a great big dog ! When we would go outside , Aidan would make a beeline for MY ducks . He would bark and bark at them . I don 't think he has good guest manners . Kearney - Daisy came over too . She as been chasing me around doing rude things to me . TM says her hormones are up probably because she is sick . PR took her to the vet yesterday and got her some pills . I hope they fix her , ' cause it is embarrassing ! I mean really , she isn 't even a girl anymore . PR had her spayed . I was going to say she was fixed , but right now , she is broken ! Lowri - Here is another picture of me herding on Sunday . If you look closely at my feet , you will see that I am mud up to my armpits . The round pen has wet weather spring runoff going through the middle of it . It is really , really muddy . You can 't be a princess if you are going to be herding ! Unless you are Xena , Warrior Princess , as my friend , Renee , says . I think that should be my new name . Xena . . . yes , it sounds like me . I think I could have good adventures as Xena , the Warrior Princess . Kearney - Oh goody , now we have to deal with a warrior princess . I bet I can still win the game of " roll Lowri in the grass . " In fact , it rained today and I definitely won that game . The Warrior Princess was the Wet , Bedraggled Serf ( snicker ) . Kearney - Finally another picture of me . I was learning to hold the lambs on a straight fence on Sunday . TM insisted that I stay back and hold them from a distance . This picture proves that I CAN . I made them stay right there on that fenceline . TM would make them move around , but I held them right there . It was fun . Lowri - TM told Kearney that he was awesome . He has been working so hard on learning how to do the advanced work . I want to be a good herding dog like him when I grow up . I am married to a wonderful man . I am a hard working , hard playing woman in her late 50 's . I herd sheep and ducks with my Cardigan Welsh Corgis . |
Author SeaPosted on September 14 , 2016October 28 , 2016Categories StoriesTags 1st grade , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Audio file , Fairy Tales , Fairytale , Folk - Lore , folktales , kids , Kindergarten , Maoriland , StoryLeave a comment on The Six Brothers Simple Winter Puppet Show Puppet shows can be as simple or as complicated as you 'd like . If there are some peg dolls around you can use them as the characters . Even your children little wooden , plastic or stuffed animals . Simple pieces of cloth or scarves work for sky and scenery . I like to check the thrift stores for real silk scarves , I have even found some beautifully handprinted ones for under a dollar . Author SeaPosted on September 14 , 2016June 7 , 2017Categories Plays , Puppet Show , Video , Winter StoriesTags 1st grade , 3 year old , 4 year old , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Fairy Tales , Fairytale , folktales , kids , Kindergarten , Preschool , Story , video , Waldorf , WinterLeave a comment on Simple Winter Puppet Show Aesop 's puppet show These are some lovely examples of how to turn fables into simple puppet shows . Leonard Gerwick also has a nice way of making the children laugh by playing with the animals as he tells the stories . Author SeaPosted on September 13 , 2016September 14 , 2016Categories Homeschool , Puppet ShowTags 1st grade , 3 year old , 4 year old , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Aesop Fable , fables , kids , videoLeave a comment on Aesop 's puppet show The Fox and the Grapes The Fox and the Grapes Years and years ago at the very beginning of time , when the world had just been made , there was no night . It was day all the time . No one had ever heard of sunrise or sunset , starlight or moonbeams . There were no night birds , nor night beasts , nor night flowers . There were no lengthening shadows , nor soft night air , heavy with perfume . In those days the daughter of the Great Sea Serpent , who dwelt in the depths of the seas , married one of the sons of the great earth race known as Man . She left her home among the shades of the deep seas and came to dwell with her husband in the land of daylight . Her eyes grew weary of the bright sunlight and her beauty faded . Her husband watched her with sad eyes , but he did not know what to do to help her . Her husband at once called his three most faithful slaves . " I am about to send you on a journey , " he told them . " You are to go to the kingdom of the Great Sea Serpent who dwells in the depths of the seas and ask him to give you some of the darkness of night that his daughter may not die here amid the sunlight of our earth land . " The three slaves set forth for the kingdom of the Great Sea Serpent . After a long dangerous journey they arrived at his home in the depths of the seas and asked him to give them some of the shadows of night to carry back to the earth land . The Great Sea Serpent gave them a big bag full at once . It was securely fastened and the Great Sea Serpent warned them not to open it until they were once more in the presence of his daughter , their mistress . The three slaves started out , bearing the big bag full of night upon their heads . Soon they heard strange sounds within the bag . It was the sound of the voices of all the night beasts , all the night birds , and all the night insects . If you have ever heard the night chorus from the jungles on the banks of the rivers you will know how it sounded . The three slaves had never heard sounds like those in all their lives . They were terribly frightened . Accordingly they laid the bag on the ground and opened it . Out rushed all the night beasts and all the night birds and all the night insects and out rushed the great black cloud of night . The slaves were more frightened than ever at the darkness and escaped to the jungle . The daughter of the Great Sea Serpent was waiting anxiously for the return of the slaves with the bag full of night . Ever since they had started out on their journey she had looked for their return , shading her eyes with her hand and gazing away off at the horizon , hoping with all her heart that they would hasten to bring the night . In that position she was standing under a royal palm tree , when the three slaves opened the bag and let night escape . " Night comes . Night comes at last , " she cried , as she saw the clouds of night upon the horizon . Then she closed her eyes and went to sleep there under the royal palm tree . When she awoke she felt greatly refreshed . She was once more the happy princess who had left her father 's kingdom in the depths of the great seas to come to the earth land . She was now ready to see the day again . She looked up at the bright star shining above the royal palm tree and said , " O , bright beautiful star , henceforth you shall be called the morning star and you shall herald the approach of day . You shall reign queen of the sky at this hour . " Then she called all the birds about her and said to them , " O , wonderful , sweet singing birds , henceforth I command you to sing your sweetest songs at this hour to herald the approach of day . " The cock was standing by her side . " You , " she said to him , " shall be appointed the watchman of the night . Your voice shall mark the watches of the night and shall warn the others that the madrugada comes . " To this very day in Brazil we call the early morning the madrugada . The cock announces its approach to the waiting birds . The birds sing their sweetest songs at that hour and the morning star reigns in the sky as queen of the madrugada . " O , faithless slaves , " said their master , " why did you not obey the voice of the Great Sea Serpent and open the bag only in the presence of his daughter , your mistress ? Because of your disobedience I shall change you into monkeys . Henceforth you shall live in the trees . Your lips shall always bear the mark of the sealing wax which sealed the bag full of night . " There was once a great city that depended for its water supply upon a fountain without the walls . A great dragon , possessed and moved by Satan himself , took possession of the fountain and refused to allow water to be taken unless , whenever people came to the spring , a youth or maiden was given to him to devour . The people tried again and again to destroy the monster ; but though the flower of the city cheerfully went forth against it , its breath was so pestilential that they used to drop down dead before they came within bow - shot . The terrorized inhabitants were thus obliged to sacrifice their offspring , or die of thirst ; till at last all the youth of the place had perished except the king 's daughter . So great was the distress of their subjects for want of water that her heart - broken parents could no longer withhold her , and amid the tears of the populace she went out towards the spring , where the dragon lay awaiting her . But just as the noisome monster was going to leap on her , Mar Jiryis appeared , in golden panoply , upon a fine white steed , and spear in hand . Riding full tilt at the dragon , he struck it fair between the eyes and laid it dead . The king , out of gratitude for this unlooked - for succor , gave Mar Jiryis his daughter and half of his kingdom . Once upon a time there was great scarcity of food in the land . Father Anansi and his son , Kweku Tsin , being very hungry , set out one morning to hunt in the forest . In a short time Kweku Tsin was fortunate enough to kill a fine deer - which he carried to his father at their resting - place . Anansi was very glad to see such a supply of food , and requested his son to remain there on guard , while he went for a large basket in which to carry it home . An hour or so passed without his return , and Kweku Tsin became anxious . Fearing lest his father had lost his way , he called out loudly , " Father , father ! " to guide him to the spot . To his joy he heard a voice reply , " Yes , my son , " and immediately he shouted again , thinking it was Anansi . Instead of the latter , however , a terrible dragon appeared . This monster breathed fire from his great nostrils , and was altogether a dreadful sight to behold . Kweku Tsin was terrified at his approach and speedily hid himself in a cave near by . The dragon arrived at the resting - place , and was much annoyed to find only the deer 's body . He vented his anger in blows upon the latter and went away . Soon after , Father Anansi made his appearance . He was greatly interested in his son 's tale , and wished to see the dragon for himself . He soon had his desire , for the monster , smelling human flesh , hastily returned to the spot and seized them both . They were carried off by him to his castle , where they found many other unfortunate creatures also awaiting their fate . All were left in charge of the dragon 's servant - a fine , white cock - which always crowed to summon his master , if anything unusual happened in the latter 's absence . The dragon then went off in search of more prey . Kweku Tsin now summoned all his fellow - prisoners together , to arrange a way of escape . All feared to run away - because of the wonderful powers of the monster . His eyesight was so keen that he could detect a fly moving miles away . Not only that , but he could move over the ground so swiftly that none could outdistance him . Kweku Tsin , however , being exceedingly clever , soon thought of a plan . Knowing that the white cock would not crow as long as he has grains of rice to pick up , Kweku scattered on the ground the contents of forty bags of grain which were stored in the great hall . While the cock was thus busily engaged , Kweku Tsin ordered the spinners to spin fine hempen ropes , to make a strong rope ladder . One end of this he intended to throw up to heaven , trusting that the gods would catch it and hold it fast , while he and his fellow - prisoners mounted . While the ladder was being made , the men killed and ate all the cattle they needed - reserving all the bones for Kweku Tsin at his express desire . When all was ready the young man gathered the bones into a great sack . He also procured the dragon 's fiddle and placed it by his side . Everything was now ready . Kweku Tsin threw one end of the ladder up to the sky . It was caught and held . The dragon 's victims began to mount , one after the other , Kweku remaining at the bottom . By this time , however , the monster 's powerful eyesight showed him that something unusual was happening at his abode . He hastened his return . On seeing his approach , Kweku Tsin also mounted the ladder - with the bag of bones on his back , and the fiddle under his arm . The dragon began to climb after him . Each time the monster came too near the young man threw him a bone , with which , being very hungry , he was obliged to descend to the ground to eat . Kweku Tsin repeated this performance till all the bones were gone , by which time the people were safely up in the heavens . Then he mounted himself , as rapidly as possible , stopping every now and then to play a tune on the wonderful fiddle . Each time he did this , the dragon had to return to earth , to dance - as he could not resist the magic music . When Kweku was quite close to the top , the dragon had very nearly reached him again . The brave youth bent down and cut the ladder away below his own feet . The dragon was dashed to the ground but Kweku was pulled up into safety by the gods . The latter were so pleased with his wisdom and bravery in giving freedom to his fellowmen , that they made him the sun the source of all light and heat to the world . His father , Anansi , became the moon , and his friends the stars . Thereafter , it was Kweku Tsin 's privilege to supply all these with light , each being dull and powerless without him . It was very pleasant out in the country . It was summer time , the corn was yellow , the oats green , the hay was stacked down in the green meadows , and there the stork walked about on his long red legs and talked Egyptian . He had learnt the language from his mother . Round the fields and meadows there were large woods and within them deep lakes : indeed , it was pleasant out in the country . Full in the sunshine , an old manor house stood , surrounded by a deep moat , and from the base of the walls right down to the water great dock plants grew - so tall that a little child could stand upright under the largest of them . It was as lonely in among them as in the thickest wood ; and there a Duck was sitting on her nest . She had got to hatch out her little Ducklings , but by this time she was well nigh tired out , they took so long about it , and she had very few callers . The other Ducks preferred swimming about the moat to coming up and sitting under a dock - leaf to chat with her . " Do you suppose this is all the world ? " said their mother ; " why , it stretches out far beyond the other side of the garden , right into the parson 's field - but I 've never been there . You 're all there , I suppose ? " and she got up . " No , that 's not all ; there lies the biggest egg still . How long will it take ? I 'm really almost sick of it , " and with that she sat down again . " Well , how goes it ? " asked an elderly Duck who came to call on her . " Oh , this one egg takes a dreadful long time , " said the sitting Duck ; " it won 't break . But just you look at the others ! They are the sweetest Ducklings I 've ever seen ; they 're all just like their wretch of a father , who never comes to see me . " " Let me look at the egg that won 't hatch , " said the old Duck ; " you may be sure that 's a turkey 's egg . I was made a fool of once that way , and I had my share of trouble and anxiety with the young ones , I can tell you , for they are afraid of the water . I couldn 't get them to go in ! I quacked and I pecked , but it was no good . Let me see the egg . Ah , yes , that 's a turkey 's egg ; you just let it lie and teach the rest to swim . " " Oh , I 'll just sit on it a bit longer , " said the Duck . " As I 've sat so long , I may as well give it a Whitsun week ! " " Just as you please , " said the old Duck , and walked off . At last the big egg opened . " Pip ! pip ! " said the young one , scrambling out ; he was very big and ugly . The Duck looked at him : " That 's a fearfully big Duckling , that is , " she said . " None of the others look like that . I suppose it can 't be a turkey poult ! Well , we 'll soon see ; into the water he shall go , if I have to kick him out myself . " Next day the weather was perfectly delicious : the sun shone all over the green docks , and the mother Duck and all her family came out , and down to the moat . Splash ! Into the water went she . " Quack , quack ! " she said , and one Duckling after another plumped in . The water went over their heads , but they were up again in a moment and swam beautifully . Their legs worked of themselves , and now they were all out in the water , and even the ugly grey one was swimming with them . " No , no , that 's no turkey , " she said . " Look how nicely he uses his legs , and how well he holds himself up . That 's my own child ! He 's really quite handsome if you look at him properly . Quack , quack ! Come along with me and I 'll take you out into the world and introduce you to the duck - yard , but mind and keep close to me so that nobody can tread on you , and do look out for the cat . " " Look , that 's the way the world goes , " said the mother Duck - her beak watering a little , for she would have liked the eel 's head herself . " Now then , use your legs , " she said ; " mind and look alive , and stoop your necks to the old Duck over there , she 's the most distinguished person here ; she 's of Spanish descent , so she 's something special , and you see she 's got a red rag round her leg . That is an extraordinarily splendid thing , the greatest distinction any duck can have ; it means that people can 't do without her , and she must be recognized by animals and men alike . Now then , look alive ! Don 't turn your toes in ! A duckling that 's properly brought up keeps its legs wide apart , like father and mother . Look here ! Now then ! Make a bow and say quack . " So they did ; but the other ducks round them looked at them and said , quite loud , " Look there ! Now we 've got to have all this mob on the top of us , as if there weren 't enough of us already ; and poof ! what an object that duckling is ! We can 't stand him " ; and a duck rushed at him and bit him in the neck . " That can 't be done , your grace , " said the mother Duck . " He 's not handsome , but he has a really good disposition , and swims as nicely as any of the rest , even better , I venture to say . I believe he will grow handsome , or perhaps in time he will grow even somewhat smaller ; he has lain too long in the egg , and so has not acquired a proper shape . " And she picked at his neck and smoothed him down . " Besides , he 's a drake , " she went on , " so it doesn 't matter quite so much . He has , I believe , a good constitution and will win through in the end . " So they made themselves at home : but the poor Duckling who had come last out of the egg and looked so ugly , was bitten and buffeted and made to look a fool by the hens and the ducks alike . " He 's too big , " they all said ; and the turkey cock , who was born with spurs , and considered himself an emperor on the strength of it , blew himself up like a ship under full sail and went straight at the Duckling , gobbling and getting quite red in the head . The poor Duckling didn 't know where to stay or which way to go , he was so miserable at being ugly and the butt of the whole duck - yard . That was the first day , and as time went on it got worse and worse . The wretched Duckling was chased about by everybody , and even his mother and sisters were nasty to him , and kept saying : " I wish the cat would get you , you ugly devil . " And his mother said : " I wish you 'd get right away " ; and the ducks bit him and the hens pecked him , and the maid who had to feed the creatures kicked at him . So he ran away , and flew over the fence . The little birds in the bushes shot up in the air in a fright . " That 's because I 'm so ugly , " the Duckling thought , and shut his eyes , but ran on all the same , till he got out into the wide marsh where the wild - duck lived ; and there he lay all night , for he was very tired and very unhappy . In the morning the wild - duck flew up and caught sight of their new comrade . " What sort of a chap are you ? " they asked ; and the Duckling turned to this side and that and greeted them as well as he could . " You 're precious ugly , " said the wild - ducks ; " but that doesn 't matter to us as long as you don 't marry into our family . " Poor wretch ! He wasn 't thinking much about marrying , as long as he could be allowed to lie among the reeds , and drink a little marsh water . There he lay two whole days , and then came a pair of wild geese ( or rather wild ganders , for they were both he 's ) : they hadn 't been hatched out very long , and so they were particularly lively . " Here , mate , " they said , " you 're so ugly I quite like you . Will you come along and be a migrant ? Close by in another marsh there 's some sweet pretty wild geese - all young ladies that can say Quack . You 're so ugly you could make your fortune with them . " At that moment there was a Bang ! Bang ! and both the wild geese fell dead among the reeds , and the water was stained blood red . Another bang ! bang ! and whole flights of geese flew up from the reeds , and there was yet another bang ! a great shoot was afoot . The sportsmen were all round the marsh , some even sitting up among the branches of trees that stretched out over the reeds . The blue smoke drifted like clouds , in among the dark stems , and hung far out over the water . The dogs went splash ! splash ! into the mud , and the reeds and rushes swayed hither and thither ; it was terrible for the wretched Duckling , who was bending his neck to get it under his wing , when all at once , close to him , there was a fearful big dog with his tongue hanging right out of his mouth and his eyes shining horribly . He thrust his muzzle right at the Duckling and showed his sharp teeth - and then - splash ! Off he went without seizing him . " Oh , thank goodness , " sighed the Duckling ; " I 'm so ugly , even the dog doesn 't like to bite me ! " But there he lay perfectly still while the duck shots rattled in the reeds and gun after gun banged out . It was well on in the day before all was quiet , but the unhappy bird dared not get up even then . He waited several hours yet , before he looked about him , and then he hurried away from the marsh as fast as ever he could , running over fields and meadows , and such a wind got up that he had hard work to get along . Towards evening he was near a poor little cottage , so crazy was it that it didn 't know which way to tumble down , so it remained standing . The wind howled so fiercely round the Duckling that he had to sit down on his tail to keep facing it , and it grew worse and worse . Then he noticed that one hinge of the door was gone , and it hung so crooked that he could slip indoors through the crack , and so he did . Here lived an old woman with a cat and a hen . The cat , whom she called Sonny , could set up his fur and purr , and also throw out sparks , but for this he had to be stroked backwards . The Hen had very short little legs , and was consequently called " chicky short legs " . She laid good eggs , and the woman was as fond of her as of a child of her own . Next morning the strange Duckling was noticed at once , and the cat began to purr , and the Hen to cluck . " What 's the matter ? " said the old woman , looking all about her . But her sight wasn 't good , so she took the Duckling for a fat duck that had strayed away . " That 's a splendid catch , " she said : " now I can have duck eggs , if only it isn 't a drake ! We must make sure of that . " So the Duckling was taken in on approval for three weeks , but no eggs came . And the Cat said : " Can you put up your fur , or purr , or give out sparks ? No ! Then you 've no call to have an opinion when sensible people are talking . " " What 's the matter with you ? " she asked . " You 've nothing to do , that 's why you get these fancies ; you just lay some eggs , or purr , and they 'll pass off . " " But it is so delicious to float on the water , " said the Duckling ; " so lovely to get it over your head and dive right down to the bottom . " " Oh yes , most delightful , of course ! " said the Hen . " Why , you 're absolutely mad ! Ask the Cat - he 's the cleverest man I know - whether he enjoys floating on the water or diving down ; I say nothing of myself . Why , ask your mistress , the old woman ; there 's no one in the world cleverer than her - do you suppose she wants to go swimming and getting the water over her head ? " " Well , if we don 't understand you , who is going to understand you , pray ? You 'll never be cleverer than the Cat and the woman , to say nothing of me . Don 't give yourself airs , child , but thank your Maker for all the kindness people have done you . Don 't you live in a warm room among company you can learn something from ? But there ! You 're a rubbishy thing , and there 's little entertainment in your company . You may take it from me ! I mean well by you , and I 'm telling you home truths , and that 's how people can see their true friends . Now just do take pains to lay eggs , or learn to purr or else give sparks . " Autumn now came on : the leaves of the wood turned brown and yellow , the wind caught them and made them dance about , and above the sky looked cold , where the clouds hung heavy with hail and snow , and on the fence the raven perched and cried " Caw ! Caw ! " for the mere cold . Indeed , it regularly gave you the shivers to think of it . The unhappy Duckling had a very hard time . One evening , when there was a lovely sunset , a whole flock of beautiful great birds rose out of the bushes . The Duckling had never seen any so handsome . They were brilliantly white , with long supple necks . They were swans , and they uttered a strange sound and spread their splendid long wings and flew far away from the cold region to warmer lands , and unfrozen lakes . They mounted so high , so high that the ugly little Duckling was strangely moved ; he whirled himself round in the water like a wheel , he stretched his neck straight up into the air after them and uttered such a loud cry , so strange , that he was quite frightened at it himself . Oh , he could not forget those beautiful birds , those wonderful birds ! And the moment they were out of sight he dived right down to the bottom of the water , and when he came up again he was almost beside himself . He didn 't know what the birds were called or which way they were flying , but he loved them as he had never loved anything yet . He was not envious of them - how could it enter his mind to wish for such beauty for himself - he would have been happy if even the ducks had let him into their company - poor ugly creature . Early in the morning a labourer came that way , saw him , went on the ice and with his wooden shoe broke it up and carried the Duckling home to his wife , and there he was brought to life again . The children wanted to play with him , but he thought they meant to hurt him , and in his fright he dashed right into the milk - pan and made the milk splash out into the room . The woman screamed and threw up her hands . Then he flew into the butter - tub and after that into the meal - bin and out again . Goodness , what a sight he was ! The woman screamed out and hit at him with the tongs , and the children tumbled over one another trying to catch him , laughing , calling out - by good luck the door stood open , and out he rushed into the bushes , on the new fallen snow , and there he lay almost in a swoon . But it would be too sad to tell of all the hardships and miseries which he had to go through in that hard winter . When the sun began once more to shine out warm and the larks to sing , he was lying among the reeds in the marsh , and it was the beautiful spring . Then all at once he lifted his wings , and they rustled more strongly than before , and bore him swiftly away ; and before he knew it he was in a spacious garden where were apple trees in blossom , and sweet - smelling lilacs hung on long green boughs right down to the winding moat . Oh , it was lovely here , and fresh with spring ; and straight in front of him , out of the shadows , came three beautiful white swans with rustling plumage floating lightly on the water . The Duckling recognized the splendid creatures , and a strange sorrowfulness came over him . " I will fly to them , these royal birds , and they will peck me to death because I , who am so ugly , dare to approach them ; but it doesn 't matter ; it 's better to be killed by them than to be snapped at by the ducks and pecked at by hens and kicked by the servant who looks after the poultry - yard , and suffer all the winter . " So he flew out into the open water and swam towards the stately swans , and they saw him and hastened with swelling plumage to meet him . " Yes , kill me , " the poor creature said , bowing his head down to the water , and waited for death . But what did he see in the clear water ? He beheld his own image , but it was no longer that of a clumsy dark grey bird , ugly and repulsive . He was a swan himself . It really delighted him now to think of all the hardships and adversities he had suffered , now he could rightly discern his good fortune and all the beauty that greeted him . The great swans swam round him and caressed him with their bills . Some little children now came into the garden and threw bread and corn into the water , and the smallest of them cried : " There 's a new one ! " And the others called out in delight : " Yes , there 's a new one come ! " They clapped their hands and danced about and ran to their father and mother . More bread and cake was thrown into the water , and everyone said : " The new one is the handsomest of all ; how young and beautiful he is ! " And the elder swans bowed before him . At that he felt quite ill at ease , and covered his head with his wings , and knew not what to do . He was more than happy , and yet not proud , for a good heart is never puffed up . He thought how persecuted and depressed he had been , yet now he heard everyone saying he was the most beautiful of all beautiful birds . And the lilacs bowed their branches down to the water , and the sun shone warm and pleasant , and his plumage ruffled , and he raised his slender neck , and from his heart he said joyfully : " Such happiness I never dreamed of when I was the Ugly Duckling . Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . At last down went the line to the bottom of the water , and when he drew it up , he found a great flounder on the hook . And the flounder said to him , " Fisherman , listen to me ; let me go - I am not a real fish but an enchanted prince . What good shall I be to you if you land me ? I shall not taste well ; so put me back into the water again , and let me swim away . " With that he went in with her , and in the castle was a great hall with a marble pavement , and there were a great many servants who led them through large doors , and the passages were decked with tapestry , and the rooms with golden chairs and tables and crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling , and all the rooms had carpets . And the tables were covered with eatables and the best wine for any one who wanted them . And at the back of the house was a great stable - yard for horses and cattle , and carriages of the finest ; besides , there was a splendid large garden with the most beautiful flowers and fine fruit trees , and a pleasance full half a mile long , with deer and oxen and sheep , and everything that heart could wish for . The next morning the wife was awake first , just at the break of day , and she looked out and saw from her bed the beautiful country lying all round . The man took no notice of it , so she poked him in the side with her elbow , and said , " Husband , get up and just look out of the window . Look , just think if we could be king over all this country . Just go to your fish and tell him we should like to be king . " " Now , look here , " said the wife , " I am king , and you are only my husband , so will you go at once ? Go along ! For if he was able to make me king , he is able to make me emperor , and I will and must be emperor , so go along ! " And so off he went as well as he could for fright . And a dreadful storm arose , so that he could hardly keep his feet , and the houses and trees were blown down , and the mountains trembled , and rocks fell in the sea ; the sky was quite black , and it thundered and lightened ; and the waves , crowned with foam , ran mountains high . So he cried out , without being able to hear his own words , |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . My husband sold stuff on eBay until just recently , and before that he sold used books on amazon . And I was never sure we were actually making any money . I can see he made money on individual items , but I 'm not sure we made money over all . He does the taxes , and there 's usually profit of a few thousand dollars , but I just have to believe that he 's put in the right numbers . Sometime , I don 't think he did . One year he did the taxes , and he came up with a profit of only five hundred dollars or so , when it had been like five thousand the year before . So I said he should stop if he did all that work and invested all that money for a five hundred dollar profit . So he went back and looked at the thing again , decided he hadn 't filled out the forms right , and came back with a three thousand dollar profit . Sometimes I think he lied to me and paid taxes on a profit he didn 't make rather than admit it wasn 't going to work out and give up the business . And even if he didn 't do that deliberately , I still think that he didn 't count every little thing and that he ' didn 't really make all that money like he thought he did . I don 't think he has any way of figuring in the gas , and I don 't think he has figured out how much time it takes him to do all that or if the profit is enough compensation for that amount of work . Some people have suggested that I sell scarves on eBay . It 's not really a good idea if I 'm trying to make money . I 'd need to charge too much money for the ones I 'm doing now . I need more than two skeins of yarn at 2 . 29 each , so to be on the safe side I get four . I could do two scarves with six skeins of yarn , so let 's say that it takes six dollars of yarn for one scarf . It takes about two hours for me to knit a stripe , and there 's fifteen stripes , and then I have to do the fringe . So for more than thirty hours work I 'd want like three hundred dollars per scarf . Obviously , I wouldn 't get that much for them . I donated one to an auction with a couple of dollars worth of candy and some nice wrapping stuff , and the winning bid Posted by Today I got some bad news . I 'm pretending that it doesn 't mean what it probably means . I shouldn 't have to deal with this just before Christmas . I shouldn 't have to deal with this at all . But right now it especially sucks . I won 't have a clue what I 'm supposed to do about this until next week . And even then , I probably still won 't know . I was starting to feel better about things just before Thanksgiving . Now I think the next three months or so are going to be really depressing . And I 'm probably not even going to have a nice Christmas to look back on . Not to worry . It 's not as bad as it could be . Nobody is dying or anything like that . A few of my friends got together Saturday , and the conversation eventually turned to the Halloween party . Now this isn 't as strange as it sounds , even though it is now December . We were just now getting to look at some pictures of the party that one of my friends just had developed . So the conversation started out nice enough , but they very quickly got around to complaining about it . So one of my friends is just really unhappy that everything at the club is being turned into a fundraiser , and most of those funds end up going toward the Halloween party . The thing that got him started on that was the club gift exchange , or maybe I should say , the official gift exchange , since some of us will be exchanging more gifts afterwards . So , on the 16th , those of us who want to participate will bring a wrapped gift that costs between $ 10 - $ 20 , with exceptions being made to accept baked goods from a few people who have real talent in that area . So we place the gift on the appropriate table , and then we draw numbers . The person with the smallest number picks a gift , opens it in front of everyone , then sets down and the person with the next smallest number picks up a gift and opens it . Or if someone before you got something that you really like , you can " steal " it , and that person can go and open another gift . There are some rules about how many times a certain gift and change hands and how many times a person can have a gift " stolen " , but I forget the exact rules for that . The thing that has my friend upset , is that now there is a fundraiser associated with the gift exchange . Once you have a gift that you want to keep , you can purchase " theft insurance " for one dollar , and then you get to keep that gift even if someone else wants to take it . But that fundraiser wasn 't even for the Halloween Party . That money went to a needy family that we were trying to cheer up because one of them had cancer . And it 's just costs a dollar . It 's no big deal . And the needy family got an extra twenty - five dollars or so towards whatever else they mightPosted by Yesterday was good except for getting a little irritated at my husband for his absolute refusal to be an active participant in the whole Christmas season bit . I wanted him to go into Bath & Body Works with me as sort of a guinea pig . Try this on . If you were a guy , which you are , would you like this ? Or do guys totally have to have unscented things ? If you like cucumber - melon soap , does that also mean that you would like cucumber - melon lotion ? Do you think my brother - in - law would like this ? Would your brother like any of this ? And while we 're here , is there anything here that you especially like ? I 've already got you something , but I might be persuaded to get you something extra . But no , he won 't get out of the car . Now that we 've already gone to the bookstore , and I 've already gone with him to some camera place that I could care less about , and we have twenty minutes or so to kill before dinner so we might as well find something to do , he can 't go with me to a store to do some actual Christmas shopping . He has to stay in the car and listen to a football game , which was not of any real importance to him when we were in the camera store . The whole football thing has been mildly annoying . When we were dating he told me that he didn 't even like football . Not the biggest lie he told me back then , but still a lie that influenced by decision to be with him . But usually , he doesn 't really insist on watching it unless it 's the Superbowl or something , and just having it on in the background while I 'm reading or something else isn 't that bad . But this year he has been more annoying than usual with the whole football thing , and seriously , you can 't watch the game from with the car radio anyway . The good news is that after seventeen years of marriage and stressing about the whole what do I get his family for Christmas , I don 't have to worry about that anymore . There 's this whole story about how that started , but I 'll write that some other time . Let 's just say that not only does he usually refuse to help me do the actual ChristmPosted by Yesterday I got a couple of things done . One of the things I had been planning for a long time , and while I 'm glad to get it over with , it didn 't really go that well . I thought I 'd feel so much better once I crossed that off the list , but instead I feel even worse . The other thing , while really not as important , went much better . But I 'm afraid I 've been to tired to enjoy it either . I didn 't get much sleep last night or the night before . Last week I was so happy about everything , and today I don 't even want to get out of bed . I am so tired , but I don 't understand why . It 's not like I 've been moving furniture or something like that . I give up . I 'm going back to bed . Or at least , that is what the schedule says at the moment . The schedule has been very unreliable lately , but what can you do about it ? Two weeks at home is what the schedule says , so I 'll just cross my fingers and plan around that . My husband is home from his third trip to Wichita Falls in two weeks . The first trip was a total waste of time . The second trip wasn 't any better financially , but I went with him so it wasn 't too awful . The last trip he finally made some money , and hopefully things are back to normal . I 'm trying to sort out what absolutely must be done before he goes out of town again . I can only think of two things , so I must be forgetting something . But those two are important , and it will be a relief if we can get them over with . On an earlier post , I wrote that someone had hacked into my husband 's EBay account . And I remember thinking at the time how silly that was , and that it must be someone who was just trying to make us mad . If that was the case , well . . . while I am glad the matter seems to be resolved now , I can truthfully say that losing that account wasn 't really going to upset me . I 'm not going to go through the whole thing again , but I remember thinking that the hacker would have trouble making any money from this , since the buyer would try to send us the money instead of to the hacker , so the hacker must have some other motive . It was like someone just wanted to get back at my husband for something , but he has such a positive rating on EBay it just couldn 't be that . And except for me , there couldn 't be anyone out there that has any reason to be upset with him . And the only other person who might think there 's a reason to do anything to my husband would be . . . wait , let me think . . . could it be . . . the Bimbo ? Now , it 's really not funny , because there 's some people out there that thought they were getting their Christmas shopping done early , only to find out it was a mean joke , and for a couple of them it was a mean joke that might have cost them some money . But I was thinking , wouldn 't it be funny if it was the Bimbo or one of her friends who did that ? I mean , I have been trying to get rid of the whole EBay thing for a while now anyway , but he 'd quit doing that stuff on his own , so it wasn 't something worth talking about anymore . But wouldn 't it be funny if she was trying to make him mad ? We already have this image of her being back at her miserable life and drinking and sticking pins in a voodoo doll . So when this happened I had the added image of her scheming to wreck his EBay business , that he 'd pretty much already given up . It was funny for a moment , but I didn 't want to laugh because to some people out there who have to go to the mall today and try to buy a present to replace this thing that they didn 't get from EBay , it just isn 't fuPosted by So my mom finally called and told me the plan for today . That 's a relief . There 's always the possibility that maybe something is wrong and she didn 't call back because she couldn 't . But not this time . Everything is fine . She was just out shopping and such . Okay , so what am I thankful for this year ? I am thankful that my husband didn 't actually kill himself when the bimbo was here . I am thankful that I didn 't feel up to giving the bimbo what she really deserved when she was here , and I 'm not spending the holiday in jail . I am thankful for the attractive weight - loss , though that is a terrible way to obtain it . Small silver lining I suppose . I am thankful for my husband 's new job , though it isn 't going as well as we 'd hoped right now . I am thankful that I get to travel with him and spend time with him , though that will probably have to change soon as I cannot sit around watching TV in motel rooms while the work piles up at home . I don 't really want to spend my whole life watching TV anyway . But I am thankful for cable television when I go out of town , and I am thankful that I have the knitting to keep me busy . Most of my other hobbies do not travel well . I am thankful for the house I live in , even though it is a terrible mess that is worse than it has even been . I am thankful that my grandmother is in a nice place , though she is still unhappy that she no longer lives in her own home . She has a private room , and the assisted living place is so much better than the nursing home my other grandmother had to stay in . Some days she seems aware of that and is happy about it , but other times she is just sad and wants to go home . The major thing that I thought I would be thankful for today didn 't actually happen , and I 've been told that it never will . It doesn 't look hopeful for the second major thing either . So , next year I possibly will not have as much to be thankful for . Or , at least , I might have a totally different set of things to be thankful for . Happy Thanksgiving everyone . As I suspected , we were not able to access the Internet from our motel room . But it was only a couple of days . And nothing really happened anyway . The stuff that I wanted to do there can 't be done until next month . Will I be going back next month ? I have no idea . It is very hard to plan such things when the work schedule only comes in the mail about a week in a half a head of time , and then a week later it gets changed . Right now , there is no schedule at all , since the envelope came empty . Also , the message recorder at the motel didn 't seem to be working either , so I have no idea what if anything I am doing for Thanksgiving tomorrow . I spent the two days knitting half of a scarf that might be someone 's Christmas present . It 's a Hufflepuff scarf , so I 'm not sure if anyone will want it or not . The Ravenclaw and Slytherin scarves are already done except for the fringe , and that will leave me almost a month to finish this one and the Gryffindor scarf . That will give me a complete set and an extra Gryffindor , so the person getting the scarf can have his choice . Other than that , I didn 't get anything done this week so far . I don 't expect to do anything useful in the next few days either . Happy Thanksgiving . My husband tried to do something nice for me today . He didn 't really understand what I wanted , but he wanted to do something , so he did . I should be really happy that I got more than I asked for , but really I just wanted something small to know that he was listening . He 's kind of weird . Half the time he can 't seem to make up his mind about anything . Other times he seems to do things without thinking at all . I 'm trying to decide if I should go out of town with him tomorrow . I want to go . And it 's not very far away . And it 's a place that I was just thinking that I like to go to in December . But the thing that I wanted to do there actually has to wait until December . And if I went we 'd be coming back on Wednesday , which is the worst day of the year to be on the road . The rest stops and gas stations will be very crowded . ( I 'm sure this means nothing to the guys , but women tend to find this inconvenient . ) Anyway , if I don 't write anything tomorrow or the next day , it 's because I went out of town and the supposedly free internet access didn 't work again . When organized to take a group photo , you will have to stand next to the person you wish were not in the photo at all . So we 're all outside trying to stand in three straight rows to take this picture . And I 'm standing on the far right of the back row , and I 'm told that those of us on the right side are too much in the shadows . So I think that everyone will take a couple of steps to the left , but they don 't . The front row is all properly arranged , and the guy in front of me gets moved all the way over to the far left , so I give up and go over to the left side too . Now the preferred clothing for this picture is an actual Starfleet uniform ( though some people also wore costumes from other shows ) . If you don 't have a Starfleet uniform ( or it doesn 't fit anymore , or it needs repair ) , nicer clothing or the club t - shirt is preferred . I have a lot of costumes , but my uniforms are not in great shape . I thought about wearing different things , but I thought most were either not appropriate for the photo , or were just too much of a hassle wear just for this group arrangement . So this year I decided to wear a full length dress , which I had worn to a Halloween party with fairy wings , only now minus the wings . And I am standing next to a woman who can 't even be bothered to wear pants . Really , half the people are in nice uniforms , a few of us are in dress clothes , a couple of people are in club t - shirts , and three other people just aren 't wearing anything special at all , probably cause most of their nice things don 't fit at the moment . And then this woman is wearing denim shorts and a non - club t - shirt that isn 't even clean . Surely she at least has a clean shirt and some full length pants . Oh , and my friend who accidentally missed being in the picture the last few years decided not to show up at all . But , there was no spaghetti sauce spilled on my dress , my hair looked good enough for a group shot , my new glasses look great , and my Harry Potter stuff stayed safely in the car . I used to have what the guy on Shallow Hal had . I used to look at my husband and think he was beautiful on the outside , and I already knew he was beautiful on the inside . Then I learned he was not so beautiful on the inside . So now , when I look at him , or even think about him , there 's no telling what I 'll see . Sometimes I still see this beautiful person that I always thought he was . Sometimes I see this ugly thing that lied to get me to marry him , that never meant the vows he took even as the words were coming out of his mouth , and that has been planning to do this awful thing to me for over four years . And sometimes I see that he 's nothing special , not on the outside , not on the inside . He probably never was , and probably he still doesn 't want to be . After seventeen years , we had something special , in spite all of that . But he didn 't want it anymore , and now it 's gone forever . But I still think I 'll in love with him . I should quit waiting around for him to do what 's right , but somehow I can 't . I keep hoping . I want so much for him to be okay . I want so much for him to get help , so I 'll start seeing that beautiful person all the time like before . But I guess there 's just nothing for me to see . Still , I didn 't send him away when I finally felt up to it , because I was afraid he would hurt himself . Somewhere in there is a small piece of the person I loved so much , and I don 't want it to go away . I need to get on with my life , but I don 't feel up to it today . " The most exciting phrase to hear in science , the one that heralds new discoveries , is not ' Eureka ! ' but ' That 's funny . . . ' " - - - Isaac AsimovI found that and a lot of other funny stuff on a site about Murphy 's Law . There were things that were funnier , and there were things that relate more to me and my life and my current situation , but I don 't know who most of those other people are so I decided not to quote them right now . I was looking at the Murphy 's Law site because I was thinking about tomorrow . I am committed to going to a club meeting and eating at a restaurant that has the words " pizza and spaghetti palace " written after the restaurant 's name . I will be wearing my purple dress , and perhaps my Harry Potter scarf and a few other things that I really try to take care of . There will be a lot of kids ( who were obviously raised by wolves ) running around the restaurant . And the club pictures will be taken after the meeting , not before . So I can guess what is probably going to happen . Also , I suspect that my friend will somehow miss being in the picture for the third or fourth year in a row because a ) she 'll be in the ladies room changing into something that would look better for the picture , b ) she 'll keep talking to someone at the end of the meeting when the rest of us are leaving to go to the picture location , c ) she 'll get the directions wrong or miss the turn and end up at the place just after we finish taking the picture , d ) all of the above , or e ) she 'll get ticked off after someone says something about her missing the other pictures and she 'll miss this one on purpose . The green envelope that my husband and I wait for every Friday to see where he is scheduled to work came today . It was empty . Good news - - this morning I remembered that we have five giant chocolate bars left over from that Harry Potter thing last year . Bad news - - I have already eaten half of one . I had gone to three grocery stores earlier this week , and today I went to two more , hoping to find some kale . Everyone has collards and mustard greens , but nPosted by Yesterday was a beautiful day . I went and got my hair cut . I don 't think I like it as much as last time , but I am of the opinion that I should get my hair cut at least once or twice a year whether I really want to or not . Club pictures are Saturday , so I hoped for the best and got it over with . It 's not really bad , it 's just not as good as last time . After that I put air in the tires , had a pizza and salad , and went home to waste time on the computer . I then found two things I had misplaced . A couple of weeks ago I bought some clearance sale Halloween M & Ms so that I could pick out the black ones and have Thanksgiving orange M & Ms . But as with everything else , when I actually need the things I can 't find them . While I 'm looking for the M & Ms , I decide to get out the purple dress and see if that 's really what I want to wear for the pictures on Saturday , and then I realize I don 't know where the dress is either . My friend said that is just as well , since she 'd rather I wore a Harry Potter costume in the picture anyway . Not that I 'm sure where all the Harry Potter stuff is either . But now I have found both the M & Ms and the purple dress , so all is well . And I 'll take a witch hat and a Harry Potter scarf ( and a black cape if I can find it in time ) with me on Saturday , which should still look pretty good with the purple dress if I decide the picture needs more of that sort of thing . So while I was looking for the other Harry Potter stuff , I got a call that my glasses were ready . I went to Arlington to pick up the new glasses . They look great , but I 'd forgotten how thin and fragile they were . Maybe I should just save them for special occasions , like getting my picture taken . Since I had to go to Arlington to pick up the glasses anyway , I thought I might as well go to the mall to get something from Bath & Body Works . After Christmas I am just going to have the happiest and best smelling bunch of friends . I 've got just a whole box of the stuff now , and I 'm just trying to sort out who gets what and how to wrap it and what I want to posPosted by My husband left a message on the machine , saying he must have missed me because I was out doing something useful . Sure , that 's right . I was out doing something useful . What else would I be out doing ? Possibly eating chips and salsa , and trying to otherwise avoid doing homework . Well , I did attempt to do a couple of useful things . I did go and make the car payment , which I forgot to do yesterday . I took out the trash . I bought a few things . I tried to put air in my tires . After counting out all the change and putting it in the machine , and the machine starts , and then I realize that the air hose has been removed and it only has water now . Not going to get it done that way . Never mind . It is too unpleasant outside today to be doing that sort of thing anyway . It is wet and windy outside . Not so much actually raining at the moment , and maybe not actually cold , but just sort of miserable in general . It 's about twenty - five or so degrees less than the recent perfect ( and sometimes a bit too warm ) fall weather . Still , for some reason , my skin itches like it is too dry outside , and I am tempted to break into some of the Bath & Body Works stuff I bought for Christmas presents . Tomorrow it should go half - way back up to what it was , and it shouldn 't be as wet or as windy , so everything else that I meant to do today can probably wait til then . I am now the proud owner of two frozen turkeys , three thaw and serve pies , and an assortment of snacks and vegetables . One of the turkeys I can probably manage if I don 't really care what it looks like , and my husband will probably put the other one on the barbecue . The thaw and serve pies should be easy enough , even for me . It 's the other stuff , the vegetables and the cornbread stuffing and all of that , that is a total mystery to me . Thanksgiving is only a week away now . Not that I actually feel any pressure to do any of this stuff actually on Thanksgiving . It would be nice , but not necessary . If it is any good , we will happily eat it the day before Thanksgiving , or on Thanksgiving , or the dayPosted by Okay , my husband just left for work . The job today is in Lawton , Oklahoma . Great . The thing is that a . ) the job for this week was supposed to be near Tyler not Lawton , and b . ) on Friday he was told that he had today off . They just called about an hour ago and said that someone else had a medical emergency and the schedule had been changed . Basically , since he was the nearest person with the day off , he got the short straw . Not that Lawton is that far away , or we couldn 't use the extra money . I just don 't think that there 's going to be extra money . We haven 't made a lot of money in Oklahoma . So , by working five days instead of four , his base pay will go up , but his commissions might go up or down , and there 's no way to know . And after moving around so much last week , he was looking forward to just staying in one motel and having just one work location . But now that 's not going to happen . He 'll work today and tomorrow in Lawton , and after that we just don 't know . And with next week being Thanksgiving , they have people scheduled for Monday so that they can have off Wednesday and Thursday . And I 've seen the planned schedule for next week , and with him going off to Lawton now , I wonder if he might not come home Saturday , and he might not even be able to come home Sunday . He needs to get some rest sometime . So why didn 't I go with him to Lawton ? The main reasons being a . ) with such short notice he wasn 't even ready to go and I definitely wasn 't ready to go , and b . ) I think that I 'm supposed to have my picture taken Saturday , but so far I haven 't been able to confirm this . I really must get better organized . Things like this are going to happen , and I shouldn 't let it get to me like this . Really , I should have had a bag already packed , just in case , so we could have talked about whether or not I should go . But instead it was like , oh , sorry , call me . We hardly got anything done yesterday . He was just so tired ( in fact , he was still pretty tired when he left this morning ) . So I did a few things by myself , and then afterwards we wPosted by This being the time of year that we all go out and spend money , or perhaps sit in front of our computers and spend money , I thought I 'd warn everyone about something that we bought on eBay a while back . Some of you have heard this story before , but I thought I 'd repeat it here just in case . But more about that later . Something very weird happened while we were away . Someone hacked into my husband 's eBay account and tried to sell something . Apparently something that a lot of people wanted , but eBay doesn 't allow . To be honest , I really don 't know what the item was . There was no picture , and the description didn 't mean anything to me . I don 't know what all the excitement was about . But it got a lot of attention and a lot of emails and a lot of questions , and three warnings from eBay that the item was being removed from the list . The item was apparently re - listed , and his account was closed . Now , we didn 't know any of this was going on . For one thing , it has been several months since either of us has bought or sold anything on eBay , so we probably wouldn 't have been paying attention to it anyway . And the other thing was that when all this was going on we were out of town in an Internet challenged part of Oklahoma . So we did not receive any of the warnings to follow the rules or else . He has tried to contact someone at eBay about the problem , but there doesn 't seem to be any real people working at eBay . All attempts to contact them get automated responses that do not tell us what to do about the account being closed or how to stop someone else from using the account like that . Now , the whole thing does not make any sense . Why would anyone hack into someone else 's account to try to sell something ? The hacker probably wouldn 't get any money for the item , so what is the point ? The whole things seems to have been an attempt to annoy my husband . But it won 't do anything but annoy him a little bit , seeing that he doesn 't sell stuff anymore and I 'm trying not to buy stuff anymore . My husband has ( had ? ) a really positive eBay ratinPosted by First , we went to Tulsa . Tulsa is not a bad place . But then we went east of Tulsa , and then west of Tulsa , and then even farther east of Tulsa . And it wasn 't like twenty miles away so that you could just keep the same motel room in Tulsa . No , this was like ninety miles one way , and then a hundred and forty miles the other way , and then another hundred and fifty miles back the other way . So we ended up with four different motel rooms . Now , I admit that is not the worst possible schedule . Sometimes you have to have five different motel rooms , or even six . We have even heard of people not getting a day off and having to work on Sunday , so I suppose that you might even have seven different motel rooms in a week . Anyway , I didn 't post anything last week because we couldn 't get the Internet in any of those rooms . First , the room in Tulsa said that it had free Internet access . Great , but when we borrowed the adapter it didn 't work . Okay , whatever . The next room also had free Internet , but we were only going to be there one day , and with the two hour drive that morning it just didn 't seem worth the effort for the tiny amount of time we 'd get to use the thing . Still , I thought maybe I 'd go ahead and ask for the adapter just in case he wanted it after work , but then I read that they wanted a hundred and fifty dollar deposit for the thing and decided against it . The third motel was a privately owned little thing in the middle of nowhere , and I 'm not sure they 've even heard of the Internet . The fourth room advertised free Internet , but when we asked the lady at the desk for the adapter she really didn 't seem to even know what we were talking about . Okay , no Internet . And most of the time we didn 't do any tourist stuff . Really , he went to work , I did some knitting , and then we 'd go out to eat . Again , we spent way too much doing that , but with the moving around all of the time it was hard not to eat out every meal . I really liked this one Chinese place , and there were two other Chinese places that I was really grateful for at the Posted by He can also be very sweet . A few months back he tried to buy me something on eBay . I 'll post more about that later . This week , I had to buy new glasses , and I got a very expensive pair that I 've had my eye on for a long time . And I got a spare pair . And he 's still planning to buy me another pair later , maybe prescription sunglasses . But sometimes , he just doesn 't get it . Like his blog . He totally refuses to see what I have against the blog . He was starting to see it , and he told everyone he was giving it up , and almost five months later it is still there . When he was planning to do the awful thing to me , he pretty much announced it on his blog . So why didn 't I know about it ? Cause I didn 't read his blog except when he asked me to . I thought he needed his space or something . And besides , the really interesting posts were just about discussions we had already had . Not that I get any credit for them or anything , but I didn 't need to read them because I already knew what they were about . Still , I know he values what I say cause it turns up in his blog . So I 'm a bit disappointed that he choose to blog about something he had discussed with someone else . I just don 't need to read that stuff in his blog . So why did he write this blog post ? Is he still bothered that this person didn 't agree with him all those months ago ? Is he wondering if she still reads his blog ? Is he just trying to annoy me ? I wonder how long it will take him to find this . Today we had - - you guessed it - - a nice lunch followed by some shopping . With all of this shopping I keep posting about , you must think I 'm neck deep in shoes or something . No , it 's nothing like that at all . To tell the truth , except for groceries and the usual stuff , I 've hardly bought anything . I got some after Halloween clearance stuff on Wednesday , but no where near the amount of stuff I usually buy . And I 've bought a bit of yarn so that I can knit a couple of scarves while I 'm away . Earlier this week I even bought a small case to carry some of the yarn and knitting stuff in when I go out of town . But really , I 'm not buying that much stuff , and I 've only made a few unusual purchases . I 've bought a certain pair of glasses that I 've wanted for a long time . Glasses are not really a luxury item , they are a necessity , so maybe that doesn 't really count as shopping . On the other hand , this particular pair is a more expensive style than I usually buy , so maybe it does count . The other thing I 've bought a lot of recently is stuff from Bath & Body Works . There was a sale back in September , so I bought some soap , and then I got a coupon . So I went back to use the coupon , and I got another coupon . So I keep getting these coupons , and I am thinking that I should buy some more stuff so that I 'll have Christmas presents ready in case I forget that I need a gift for a party or something like that . And then I start thinking , why don 't I just give everyone some of this stuff . I mean , really , who doesn 't like this stuff . I mean , a couple of the guys aren 't too crazy about it , and there 's a couple of people that I 'll be giving additional stuff to . But that still leaves a lot of people on my list that can be crossed off early with a trip or two to this store that I like , so as long as I 've still got these coupons , why not ? I might even have something left over to keep for myself . So all of that is fine . But my husband has to go out of town a lot , and now that the silly job is done , I think I 'll go with him . But I don 't really like goingPosted by As much fun as all the shopping has been , I really don 't like being bought . That 's what it feels like sometimes . Hey , this really horrible thing was done to you , but now you have money , so everything 's good now , right ? I mean , what does one thing have to do with the other ? He got this good paying job right after what he did , but it 's not like he got the job because of what he did . I am still wondering if he could have gotten this job last year , except that he went to the interview with a bad attitude . Speaking of going to the interview with a bad attitude , I 'm wondering if I didn 't get a job at the community college because I asked off on Mondays . Again , it 's not like I need the job , and if I had gotten the job I wouldn 't have been able to go to Kansas or any of that stuff , but I am starting to regret not trying harder to get that job , or at least another job like it at the same place . That job wasn 't particularly great , but if I was already working there I might hear when a better job was available or something like that . Too late now I suppose , but now that the silly temp job is done I 'm wondering what to do next . I 've fallen back into bad habits . Just because I have money now doesn 't mean I should just go out and spend it . This week we 've gone out to eat almost every meal , including breakfast . Now , some of that was just stuff we wanted to do , and some of it was because we had coupons that were about to expire , but some of it was just I don 't want to wash dishes today and other nonsense like that . Anyway , I was so hoping that something positive would come out of this whole experience , but now I don 't think that 's going to happen . I remember stuff that happened when we were together when I was seventeen , and I finally had to leave him because of it . It was really hard , and I was physically ill afterward . I never completely got over it , and it took almost two years and a new boyfriend for me to feel normal again . We we met again after being apart for four years , I was so impressed at how much he had grown as a person . Posted by Now this was a wonderful movie . It 's a bit of a mystery . And there 's murder , but the movie isn 't so much about who 's the murderer , but about other questions that might have lead to the murder . There are clues all through out the movie . There 's a clue at the opening credits , but it 's just a bunch of hats , and you don 't realize it was a clue until much later . By the end of the movie you realize that everything was a clue , but there was so much back and forth and flashbacks that you just didn 't piece it together until nearly the end . Anyway , I don 't want to give anything away if you haven 't seen it and want to be surprised , so I think that it 's time for a SPOILER ALERT . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * There were a lot of little things about this movie that I thought were interesting . Like I didn 't know that the disappearing bird in a cage trick used to kill the bird . If you can imagine a big rat - trap that is more shaped like a cage , and when sprung it totally collapses and crushes whatever is in the cage . And , if you 're not careful , it might break a few fingers as well . At the beginning of the film there is a death , followed by a murder trial . It does seem like the man was convicted of a crime he did not commit . And in fact , are we even certain who was killed ? Since the main characters are magicians , you might wonder if in fact anyone was killed . Like I said , there are a lot of flashbacks . First , there 's a murder trial and testimony at the trial , and then one magician is reading the other one 's diary , and then the other one is reading his . One magician has a trick called The Transported Man , and then the other one wants to know how its done and ends up creating a similar looking trick that isn 't done the same way . One magician is sent on a wild goose chase to visit the scientist Tesla . If Tesla looks familiar , that 's because he 's played by David Bowie . The trip to see Tesla leads to an ePosted by It is so nice to have the husband back in the bed next to me instead of Enik the Altrusian . Well , the week before the Halloween party is always so hectic , especially if you 've agreed to work at a silly job selling Halloween costumes . It takes me a few days to feel normal again . And now the husband is home from Louisiana , so that makes me feel better too . Now I must try to deal with some of the mess before we head back to Oklahoma . Monday we did a bit of shopping and went to dinner and watched a movie . I 'll post about The Prestige later . Tuesday we didn 't do anything special for Halloween . I had an appointment to get my eyes checked , and then we had a nice lunch and more shopping . Today there was more shopping , though most of that was by myself at after Halloween sales . Then another nice lunch , a couple of smoothies , and a little more shopping . I 'm so proud of myself . I only spent about twenty dollars at Targets , and most of that was given to me at the Halloween party . Of course , the sales aren 't over yet , so I might end up spending a bit more than that . I had spent a lot of time over the last three months working on a costume based on a Land of the Lost character . I knew from the beginning that I wouldn 't be able to wear the thing all night , but I thought I could just wear the the thing for an hour or so for the costume contest . About a week before the party I found out that I couldn 't breathe very well in the mask , and I had to re - work part of the costume with Velcro so that the mask could be more easily removed in an emergency . A couple of days before the party , I discovered that that once the hands were attached to the costume I wouldn 't be able to get into the costume by myself . The day before the party , I decided that the paint had made the costume so stiff that I shouldn 't try to wear it at all . But , I decided to put the costume in a box and take it with me just in case I felt up to trying it . And I wanted to show a couple of friends what I had been working on all this time . So , off to the party I went , wearing a purple dress and purple flowers in my hair . Most of the club is also into renaissance festivals as well , so I knew that other people would be in similar costumes . And I packed some purple fairy wings . It took two trips to get the box and the pumpkin and everything out of the car , but that was okay . I put my pumpkin on the display table , signed up for the pumpkin contest , and signed up for the costume contest just in case . The rules required me to sign up for the costume contest by nine , but I was still unclear if I had to actually be in the costume by nine . Then I went to grab some food and talk to some of my friends . I showed the Enik mask to a couple of people , and someone offered to help me get dressed if I decided to put the thing on . One of my friends loves the party and always enters the costume contest , but she is always late to the thing . So I was very surprised to see her walk in just after eight . She came as an elf in a beautiful blue dress . One of my friends wore a green historical costume of some sort , and I just didn 't get what he was suppPosted by Well , that 's over with . Or at least it will be after two more coats of paint . The costume will finally be finished . Of course , now it is so stiff and difficult to get into that I probably won 't even wear it . Luckily , I have the purple dress and fairy wings as a backup costume that I have to actually wear to the party , because I can 't drive in the other costume , or eat in the other costume , or dance in the other costume . ( Not that I can dance in the purple dress either , but at least I might be asked . ) And the party is at AAFES , and you have to show a photo ID to get in . There 's no way I could get on to a military place dressed as Enik the Altrusian . There 's no telling who could be under that mask . I am very tired . I still wish I had quit the job , even though tomorrow will probably be my last day . I miss my husband . It will be good to see him Sunday . I forgot to ask him if he was going to try to come in on Saturday . Surely not , but I forgot to ask . It 's too far , and I don 't want him to try . Today I ran two errands , went to lunch , and spent the rest of the day getting ready for Saturday . I am so tired . And I am still not finished with the costume . I bought and cleaned out a pumpkin that I plan to carve tomorrow . I got a picture off the internet , and with a couple of slight alterations it will make the perfect pumpkin pattern to go with the costume . And I 'm finally working on the headpiece that goes with the purple dress on the other costume . Well , I 'm sure my husband is glad he isn 't here . There are pieces of costume all over the bed , even when I am sleeping in it . I have to finish it tomorrow or admit defeat and save it for next year . Speaking of my husband , he made it safely to Louisiana and is now in a motel room he likes much better . Still no internet , but this little motel chain has whirlpool tubs in every room . Nice . Must get some sleep now . Well , they didn 't write what I asked for on the schedule . 10 - 3 , I said . 10 - 4 , if absolutely necessary , because that 's what I originally asked for more than a month ago . The district manager just couldn 't understand why I wouldn 't agree to 9 - 6 , and I just didn 't even think we needed to have the discussion . Just put 10 - 3 on the schedule , or hurry and get to the part where we both agree that I won 't be coming in at all . And he 's saying he 's not mad , he 's just upset that the other manager made all these agreements that aren 't company policy . And he wants to show me a company manual that says everyone is supposed to work at least eight hours that day , but what difference does that make ? I 'm busy that day , and I was hired knowing that I would be busy that day , and showing me a manual that I never saw before and did not agree to isn 't going to help . None of that changes my mind . None of that changes my situation . I care more about this party that we 've been planning for months than I care about a job I didn 't even want enough to apply for . And he 's all saying how he likes me and I seem to be really good at the job , and can 't we come to some compromise ? He doesn 't understand that I already had this discussion last year with the other manager , and this was the compromise . I 'd rather not work Saturday at all . It will just make me nervous , and I 'll have to miss another costume contest with prize money . He was so upset with the other manager . But he shouldn 't be . So she hired some people she knew couldn 't work Saturday and people she knew would leave before the store closed . The important thing at the time was she had to get the store opened , and she couldn 't have done that on time without hiring some people from last year and people who had scheduling problems . There 's been plenty of time to replace us , if that 's what needed to be done . And I personally was okay with that , and had even put that in writing before I left for Kansas . But you can 't demand people work for you when they 've already said they have a prior commitmentPosted by Well , as I have said before , I did not take this silly job for the money . I needed a distraction , and this particular job comes with free haunted house tickets . Or at least , it usually does . I have not received any actual tickets yet , supposedly because the store hasn 't been given any . At least , that 's what the manager said last week , and so far the shift manager says she hasn 't been given any either . And usually , the second or third Sunday before Halloween , the store or even several of the stores go as a group to a haunted house . This year , the group went to the Dungeon of Doom in the Arlington Art museum , and afterwards took a behind the scenes tour of the place . But I did not do that , because they went the Sunday I came back from Kansas , and even if I 'd been left a message about it I really would have been too tired to go that day . And usually , there are several haunted houses in the area where you just show your store name tag and check stub and they let you in for free . You don 't get to bring a friend for free , so maybe it 's not as much fun as having free tickets , but I like haunted houses enough that I 've gone to a couple by myself . But it looks like this year I won 't be doing anymore of that . I 'd only been told of two places that would let us in for free this year : Mead Manor in Mansfield ( which I went to a few weeks ago ) , and the Boneyard in Arlington . So last night I got off work a little after seven , and ran errands until a little after eight , so it would have been the perfect time to go to the Boneyard . But they did not let me in free , so I ended up just going home . That was just as well , I needed to work on the costume some more and get some sleep , but it did come as a bit of a surprise . I was under the impression that we got in free , and the people working at the place were under the impression that we got in free , but when I actually started to walk into the place , the guy running the place came out and said he hadn 't made any arrangement for that . He offered me a half - price ticket , but I was by myself aPosted by Practically as soon as we 're here , he has to leave again . He 's off to Arkansas and Louisiana for the week . I had thought about going with him , but decided against it , especially after there was a slight change in his schedule . I didn 't go with him because a ) he 'll still be out of town on Saturday , when I have a party to go to , b ) I was told that I would still have the silly job when I came back , c ) I left the place in a mess and really should try to do something about it , or d ) all of the above . And the answer is d ) all of the above . So he left yesterday morning . In theory , he was probably supposed to stay last night and get up really early this morning , but despite what it says on mapquest that would have meant a five or six hour drive before a full day of work , plus the extra hour or so that he has to work setting up at a new place . Anyway , I 'm not as clear on when this company expects the employees to be where , and if you leave a day early or stay a day late they don 't pay for the extra motel room . But he 's made enough money that he can pay for the occasional room himself and get some rest rather than make long drives exactly on their schedule . Anyway , he 's in Arkansas , and he doesn 't like his motel room , but since I didn 't go with him he decided not to spend the extra money on a nicer one . It 's just for a couple of days , but there 's no internet and no microwave . No internet I understand , that 's still a new concept for some motel owners , but no microwave or frig ? We 've gotten so used to that we 've stopped even asking about it . It should just always be there , and more than ninety percent of the time , it is . But not today . Also , I seem to have 7 / 8ths of a blueberry pie all to myself . I didn 't plan that . He was supposed to take half of it with him , but neither of us remembered to put it in the cooler . So it is still here , except for the one piece we each had Sunday night . That wouldn 't be so bad , but we also forgot to pack the Rudy 's BBQ that we specifically bought for him to take . BBQ really isn 't my thing , but I eat Posted by Yesterday was our last day in Kansas , and a long drive home . This week was not so wonderful as previous trips to Kansas , but we did a few fun things , and we just needed the time together . It was nice . I 'm glad I went . We stopped in Bartlesville and went to Kmart . There are no more Kmarts where we live . This is the first Kmart I 've seen in about five years . So I had to go to Kmart . I was looking for yarn , but I guess they don 't sell that anymore anyway . So we didn 't buy anything at the Kmart . Goodbye Kmart . Next we went down the street to McDonald 's for breakfast . There seemed to be great confusion at the McDonald 's , like there were too many people working behind the counter , but none of them seemed to know what they were doing . So we ordered breakfast , and then found out their credit card machine wasn 't connected or something . And nobody fixed it . I don 't think anyone even tried to fix it . So we 're pulling stuff out of our pockets trying to come up with about six dollars . You wouldn 't think we 'd have that much trouble finding six dollars between us , but we 're so used to the debit card that we rarely use cash anymore except to buy lotto tickets . Anyway , as we 're taking our breakfast to the table , someone announces that breakfast is over . And then someone else announces that they 're not set up for lunch . So no breakfast and no lunch . Whatever . We won two breakfast sandwiches and added three more game pieces to the monopoly board . A million dollars will be ours any day now . So we left the confused people at McDonald 's , drove down the street a couple of blocks in the wrong direction , and finally got headed toward Tulsa . We stopped for gas , but we forgot to get any cash and had to stop again at an Albertsons . I - 44 from Tulsa to Oklahoma City is a toll road . Now it 's only four dollars or something like that , and the company should pay him back , but I just don 't think that toll roads should be allowed on the interstate system . I was quite sure that the interstate system is funded by taxes or something , and I know that other Posted by We didn 't do anything special Friday . He went to work , I worked on the costume , and we went to lunch at the local taco place . They served . . . tacos . There was nothing special about the taco place . It was just one we 'd never heard of before , so we tried it . There are taco places all over the country that we 've never heard of before , and we try them , and for the most part they turn out to be a lot like Taco Bell . Not that there 's anything wrong with that . Saturday we didn 't do anything special either . Halloween is one of my favorite holidays . And in the middle of nowhere Kansas they were having their Neewollah Festival ( Halloween spelled backwards ) . It was just getting started . Most of it is this week and I 'll miss that anyway . And most of it doesn 't seem like my sort of thing . And if there was a haunted house for this thing I didn 't hear anything about it . Still , I was in a town having a Halloween festival , and I didn 't get to go to any of it . Not that I missed anything important , but Saturday was the chili cook - off and tour of historic homes . I would have liked to go to the chili cook - off , and I know he would have loved a tour of historic homes , but we didn 't get to do either of those things . He had to work , and I was stuck in the motel . While everyone else in town who cares about such things is out having fun , I 'm watching somebody get buried alive on cable . Sometimes , this travel stuff sucks . For the most part , my husband 's job has involved a lot of travel for the past ten years . But usually the travel is to someplace like Waco or Wichita Falls or some other boring place in Texas . Sometimes we would get to go someplace more interesting like Houston or San Antonio or South Padre . For a couple of years we traveled the whole country , but now we 're back to mostly boring places in Texas and Oklahoma . So here were are in middle of nowhere south Kansas . Independence 's main claim to fame is the Little House on the Prairie site , and the birthplace of space - traveling monkey Miss Able . We did that stuff the first day , so there 's not much left to do as far as tourist stuff . But middle of nowhere south Kansas is near middle of nowhere north Oklahoma , and we found something to do there . Frank Lloyd Wright designed this skyscraper that ended up being built in Bartlesville , Oklahoma . While not his only skyscraper design , it was the only one that was actually built . So it 's kind of a big deal , if you 're into such things . And a special tour of the building started about a week ago , so we went . Well , first of all , they only take in eight people at a time , so the tour filled up just after we got there . I don 't remember that being mentioned anywhere , and if I have been one of the people who were turned away , I 'd have been really mad . We took a similar tour of falling water , but it seems like the groups were of twenty or thirty people . Our group ended up being ten people , and we soon found out that was too many . First , we have to go up to the 17th floor in these really tiny , five - sided elevators . Then we go to this really small " lobby " which was even smaller than the tiny lobby downstairs . At least there was a high ceiling on the ground floor , but here the ceiling seemed less than a foot above our heads . Then we go through a really tiny hallway into one of the apartments , where we are not allowed to step on the carpet , so there is barely room for all of us to stand . Our tour guide went on about the architectural device Wright uPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
Fanon article ownershipThis fanon page was created and is owned by Slade81 ( talk ) . Unless the edit is constructive and / or minor ( such as fixing a template ) , please do not edit this page unless given permission from the author . EvolveThis fanon page or story is still being developed and will change over time . Adult themesThis fanon page , while not grossly violating the policies , does deal with adult themes that may be disturbing or upsetting for certain users . If you do not wish to read further , click here to return to the Fanon Portal . I 'm trying to write smaller in my new diary . It 's much more efficient , and everything runs on efficiency , so I make everything efficient : my work hours , my work methods , and how I spend my time when I get home . That promotion should arrive any day now , but I 've got to time myself right . . . Meaning , hurry . Really , I wouldn 't have this diary at all ( time - consuming ) but I can use it as a reference and never forget anything . Ordinary mothers , wives and workers waste so much time forgetting . Take today , for instance . I did not forget to turn in my report to the boss promptly at nine , I did not forget to open up the new files at nine - thirty , and when I got home , I did not forget to write in here . I did forget Lilianna Lilith 's lunch , but I 'm sure my precious Angela shared some of hers . One moment , Daniel is talking to me . As I was saying , before I was interrupted . . . Angela 's so , well , angelic . I can only hope the other one doesn 't become a bad influence . I 've put up with Lilith for a long time , but only Angela makes it bearable . Well , I have to turn in for the night if I 'm to get up at a quarter to seven tomorrow . I love my job . Today wasn 't so bad . It 's just one of those days when you can look around at the past days , look out at the gorgeous spring day , and think , it could be a heck of a lot worse . And it could . My thankful list for today : I hardly saw Mary . I don 't mean to sound like an awful husband , it 's just that it 's easier to not need her when I don 't have to look at how pretty she still is . I know I still miss her , and I still feel really guilty about my fling with Kaylynn , our part - time maid , but it 's hardly my fault I haven 't confessed , Mary - Sue doesn 't have the time to talk about it . We 've changed a lot since our honeymoon in Sunlit Tides . But anyway , thankful list . That 's what this journal 's for . Lilith 's detention lasted longer than usual , and when she got home she just went straight to her room , doing who - knows - what . Work went pretty well . Another thankful thing is Angela . She 's like the axle this family turns on . I don 't know what we 'd do without her - - which is why I must admit I just don 't love Lilith . She keeps picking on her perfect sister and I just keep praying she doesn 't upset the family balance . Well , I 'm going to go try to talk to Mary , then probably go sleep on the couch so she doesn 't see how disappointed I always am every single night , if she even cares - - Nope , being positive . Positive and thankful , positive and thankful . Today was just perfect . I got re - elected for school president ! Me and Dustin had a really good date after school , and he didn 't say a single bad word in the theatre . The day after tomorrow is my birthday ! I 'll be a little closer to adulthood . I tried out fried fish for dinner , and everybody liked it . . . Well , except for Lilith . She just stayed in her room , but I think I gave her enough of my lunch to keep her from starving . Oh , no , she hardly ate that either . I feel so sorry for her , just sitting in her pain all the time . She starts by fighting with me . Then she fights with teachers at school . Then she fights with Dirk . Then she comes home and fights with Mom and Dad . She 's just a concrete rebel under perpetual hailfall . I hope she doesn 't break . She really is bright , and she might just be able to make it if she doesn 't die young . Okay , I really need to cheer up now . I 'm going to go listen to Taylor Swift and do my homework . I wrote another poem today . I 'm going to post it on Writer 's Circle / Poetry / Anger when Mom stops using the simmed computer . Simmed workaholic . Simmed spoiled child . Simmed cheating dad . Anyway , here 's the poem . I 'm too angry for normal - person words . Anger in droves , Frustration in piles . Running for years , Running for miles . Tired and angry , Empty and alone , Sitting in this weak , False - smiling home . A mother who works , A father who cheats , A sister like Juliet , And I 'm dead on my feet . Mother thinks I don 't care , Father thinks I don 't know , Sister thinks he loves her , But I 've got feelings not to show . I scream , I run , I writhe , I 'm done . I am so done . But of course , I 'm not . Still too young to be done with this horrible gauntlet they call " the good old days " . Adolescent life is torture devised by society who don 't like that people at their physical best can also know the most . I had a close call at work today . There was a whole bunch of paperwork that I was supposed to prioritize for my boss , and there were some speeches among it that he was supposed to edit . I was about to ask Jamie , my fellow worker ( well , she isn 't now , but that 's not the point ) if she thought I should edit them for him , when she asked the same thing ! Well , I 'm a busy woman , so I agreed , and she edited them . Well , it turned out she made some major mistakes that could 've had horrible consequences if they hadn 't been spotted . She was fired . But anyway , I was looking at the mistakes , and I saw how many I might 've made myself ! So it was a very close call . But in family news , dear little Angela is looking a little pale in the face and dark under the eyes . I hope she 's alright . Well , of course she 's all right ! She 's probably just wondering about her birthday and whether or not she should invite people . It 's tomorrow , and she 's growing so fast ! But she does get overwrought about invitations because there are people she doesn 't want to come , but she hates to offend people . Oh , Lilith doesn 't seem to be too excited either , but she never is . She 's got no emotion . Oh , sim it . It happened again . My fling with Kaylynn is becoming an affair . This is the third time we 've got together . Every time she comes over and tries to pretend that nothing 's happened , but the tension just keeps growing and then we find ourselves sneaking off together . The girls came home in the middle of it , too . They didn 't catch us , but it was nerve - wracking . I need to take a shower and just sit in my room reading . I feel so horrible . I 've been trying so hard to be cheerful , because my family needs me to be . I feel so betrayed right now . By Lilith for showing me , and by Dad for doing it , and by Mom for not being there when we all need her to be . Lilith had been sent home from school early , and when I came home fifteen minutes later to check on her , there she was , sitting outside Dad 's bedroom door . I asked what she was doing , and she gave this grim , messed - up little smile and said , So I sat down , and I could hear - - I can 't write about it anymore . But what Lilith 's always been saying about how horrible this family is true , and I won 't fight with her about it anymore . This family is utter trash . I tried to sleep , and I just had a nightmare that there was a psychopath in a cloak with a gun in the house . I ran around trying to wake everyone else up , but there were just more cloaked people . Eventually all three of them cornered me , and then they put down their hoods and they were my family . And they shot me . I feel like a glitch . I just traumatized my sister . I heard her muffled screaming from her room when she tried to sleep off the horror after I had her listen to Dad cheating on Mom . I swear , I could blow up this whole house and never look back . I 'd just keep running , and running , and running , and running , and running . . . I 'm becoming worried about Angela . Whatever happened , Lilith is clearly to blame . At the party Angela just went through the motions with the same thing to say to everyone and the same smile for everyone , but it wasn 't her smile . It was like a watered - down version of the original . Lilith is even more sulky than usual , and I 'm sure she 's the cause of this upsetness . I wish I could just stay in my office forever . My daughters are acting strange . Lilith isn 't even being rebellious , just silent and muttering . And Angela is just a pale comparison to her normal self . She looks like what sleep she had last night was horrible . And Mary is trying to downgrade it as much as always so she can get on with her work . I know this makes me a horrible head of my household , but I would really run away with Kaylynn if it weren 't for Angela . I miss how Angela used to be already . I can 't take it anymore . It 's like everyone 's painting smiles onto their faces and closing their eyes in order to lie to themselves and everyone else . Lilith is really the only honest one in this family . Mom lying to herself about how much we need her here , Dad lying to Mom , me and Lilith about - - that - - and me lying about all this weight as the nice one not being too much . I really miss Lilith . When we were small , we really got along , but now I 'm starting to wonder if she liked me even then . After all , I was still the favorite back then - - a fact I hate , but what can you expect from this family ? I remember sitting with her playing with our miniature knubb set . I remember growing older and noticing her growing bitterness , and starting to figure out why . Take our birthday for instance . I blow out the candles , get " Happy Birthday " sung to me , and then Dad brings Lilith ( who 's sitting on the couch during the festivities ) a thin wedge of cake with a half - melted candle in it . Why do Mom and Dad hate her so much ? She was a nice little sister when she was small . Is there no end to this family 's awfulness ? Happy birthday to me . Happy anniversary to my first encounter with life 's truths . It 's weird how the little things in life can push you too far , and how misery spreads from person to person . We all prey on each other like monsters of the deep - - as anyone who knew me would be surprised to hear the quote from me , but not the core idea of it . When I was a child , sitting there on the couch trying to light the candle in my slice of cake , I realized something that I 've never forgotten . I was officially in 3rd grade . Angela was still trying to get into 3rd grade . And there she was with new shoes , a plastic tiaria , and a big slice of pink cake . It should 've been me laughing and unwrapping presents . I was smarter , both academically and in wisdom . I knew enough already , and she was still a baby . And after that , I never tried . I never studied , I never helped , I sat back and watched . This family 's been my little depressing terrarium since 3rd grade . And Angela is now the one who deserves the attention . I made it that way on purpose . It helps me not to hate her . Happy Birthday , Angela . I 'm sorry . Oh my plumb . I came home from work and something 's happened but neither Daniel nor Lilith will tell me what . I can 't find Angela . Where 's Angela ? Where 's my baby ? Angela 's missing ! This morning she was feeling ill , so I let her sleep in because she 's been feeling so strange lately . Lilith of course went to school . When I came home from work Lilith was there , just staring at a wall . I asked her what happened , but she didn 't say anything , just gave me a really cold look . I went into Angela 's room to ask her what happened , and she wasn 't there ! There was her panda bank on the bed , and her backpack was gone . I can 't believe my perfect daughter would run away . . . My sister is gone . I was at gym when I felt this horrible shudder come over me , like someone had walked over my grave . I ran home as fast as I could , knowing that this feeling was connected to my twin sister . I came into her room and her panda bank was empty on the bed , and her backpack was missing too . On her pillow was a note that said , Lilith , as your big sister , I know you pretty well , probably better than either of us would like to admit . I trust you to follow my instructions . If Mom and Dad aren 't home yet , then this should be easy . If they are , try to be quiet about this . You must 've guessed by now that I 'm leaving home . Destroy this note , and don 't tell Mom and Dad what I 've done , but you can tell Dustin I 'll love him forever . I need any search to be delayed so I can get as far away as possible . You , most of all , should understand . But I wanted you to know that I 'm safe and happy . Your sister , Angela . But she might not be safe . Even in a small town like this one , what kind of chances for a good , sane , respectable or even harmless life does a lone teenage runaway girl have ? Maybe if I was with her we could make it . I 'm not afraid to fight any creeps , but Angela 's so gentle and quiet and innocent . The worst part of this is , I don 't even know how to cry for her . I 've done it . I 've run away . I have § 89 in my backpack , along with this diary , pens , a photograph of Mom , Dad , baby Lilith and baby me , a collapseable scooter , and some carrots and apples . I can 't believe I may never see them again - - no , I will . When I 've written my books and gotten my royalties and I can come back to them as an adult , I will be with them once again . I 'm writing in this again . It 's late and I 'm bored . I bought myself a little cup of hot chocolate and I 'm sitting out behind a tattoo shop eating apples . Hey , I think I recognize some guys from my school . I don 't really like them . They 're the loitering , graphiti , cigarette kind . Well , they 're coming over here , so I guess I shou The police are here . I 've been talking to them and they say that a lot of times kids run off just for a little bit just to scare people , but that 's not my Angela . She would never do that to us . I can 't believe how terrible my own family is . I just found out that Daniel - - well , I can 't talk about that right now . I 've got to focus . How could this year get any worse ? I 've lost my daughter and my wife now , and I 'm responsible for another child . What 's next ? My job ? My home ? My sanity ? What happened was , the police were in one room questioning Lilith , trying to find out about where Angela could 've gone . Mary was in the kitchen , and I was in the living room . I guess we were all trying to sort things out in our minds . Well , a little tan car pulled up between some police cars , and soon there was a knock at the door . I opened it , and there stood Kaylynn , her hand on her stomach and a worried expression on her face . " Daniel , " she said , " What 's happened ? I came over and I saw all these police cars . Is someone hurt ? " I answered her wearily , " We hope not . Angela 's missing . " Kaylynn sat down heavily . " What an awful time , " she murmured , " But I have to tell you anyway before I lose my nerve . Daniel , I 'm having our child . " " What ? " my voice got shrill . " What ? ! " Another voice , even shriller , issued from the kitchen . Mary - Sue stomped in . " Are you simmed kidding me ? You cheated on me , Daniel ? " By now , Kaylynn was out the door and driving away . " Mary , I 'm sorry , just listen to me - - " " How could you do this to me ? And at a time like this , too ! " " What ? I 'm to blame for this ? That 's it ! You could at least face this like a man . I want a divorce ! " " This is Lilith Pleasant . Who was she ? " I said angrily . " Is she a good student ? Does she feed the homeless ? Does she say she 'll love you forever , even now that she 's missing ? Is she half as amazing as my sister ? You know what , you 're lucky Angela loves you , or I would whip your nart ! " I hung up . Then the police were calling from downstairs that they needed to talk to me . I came down . " Hello , Lilith , " one of the officers said . " I 'm Officer Green . This is Officer Vinici . We 're going to need to ask you some questions . Would you come into the study with us ? " Officer Green nodded , writing in his notebook . Officer Vinici asked , " When did you notice she was gone ? " He seemed to be more serious and less gentle than his associate . I nodded . " I 'm a good runner . Anyway , I went upstairs to check on her . She had stayed home from school . But when I got into her room , her panda bank was empty on her bed and her backpack was gone too . And , well , there was this note in her handwriting that said she had run away . " " Anyway , and Angela started to have nightmares . She looked all pale and she had hollows under her eyes . Then she turned up missing on the day after our birthday . " I felt like I 'd been hit between the eyes with a spoon . " It 's kind of complicated , I guess . . . I mean , there was nothing about her to hate , but I was really jealous of her . I cared and all , but I didn 't want to show it . Maybe because Mom and Dad never showed it to me . " " Well , she did have a boyfriend named Dustin Broke . He was very rebellious , and kind of like me - - goth . But I just spoke with him on the phone this morning . I don 't think they ran away together or anything . " " Last question , Lilith , than we 'll be leaving . Did Angela have any places she liked to go , like a park , or an aunt 's house ? Some place she may have run to ? " After a moment , with a half - hearted laugh , I said , " School . She liked school . But I don 't think that 's where she went . " " From a basement ? The only way that could happen is through one of us . . . Which I know is not going to happen . She 's not going anywhere , all right ? " said the confident one . He 's kind of stocky and blonde with tattoos on his arms . The others look pretty much the same , dark haired and also tattooed . They 're Kevin , Jim and Sam from school . It seems the only reason they had for snatching me and putting me in a mystery basement was out of boredom . I don 't know where I am . I was crying too hard to really pay attention . Now that I know better , it 's a little too late . They seem to have a code for who they live with , where they go when they leave , and anything else that might give them away . Oh . . . Oh . . . Have they done this before ? What happened to whoever else was last tied up in their basement ? I think I know what the answer to that question is now . If anyone else was tied to this nail on the wall ( too high for me to reach , knot too tight to yank away ) , they 're somewhere in Strangetown by now , probably sold to anyone in human trafficking who buys teenagers . . . Probably many do that . But here 's the conversation I heard . " This is getting kind of boring already , " Jim said . " She doesn 't cry , she doesn 't try to run , she just sits there and scratches in that book of hers . Can we beat her up or mess with her or something ? She 's like a fricking bag of flour . " " What ? She 's getting out of here ? " Kevin said , a few steps behind . " I thought we were going to sell her . We could use the money . " " Yeah , but she 's probably not worth too much . She 's , what , fourteen ? Fifteen ? Anyway , she 's not done growing yet . And we can 't keep her in our basement until she is , " Sam told the others . " It 'd cost more money than it 'd be worth . " " True , " said Kevin . " So if we sell her at all , it 's gotta be soon , and we can 't just let her loose when we 're done with her . She knows us . She 's got to get out of town or kick the bucket , and I don 't think it 'd be a good idea to finish her off . " Jim flung his hands into the air . " It doesn 't matter right now ! Are we going to sell her , or wait till later , or what ? " That was the last I heard until I began crying so hard ( for the first time since I got put in the basement ) that they felt the need to put tape over my mouth and the meeting dispersed . But what am I going to be two weeks from now ? Someone 's WooHoo slave ? A kidney and a liver in a freezer ? I have to get out of here . I have no family . I have lost my beautiful daughter . I 'm leaving my husband . My other daughter . . . She doesn 't want this family anyway . She doesn 't want anything . I might be better off without them . When I was young , barely a child , I found out that I was adopted . I became a freak to myself , to the other kids . I was a spectacle . Family has never worked for me . I jumped into a relationship with Daniel , and into having kids . Then I got two . Everything seemed perfect for me when I saw Angela , when I was holding her and smiling down into her angelic face . Then the doctor told me there was another one , and Lilith was born . I was trying to take it one step at a time . I wasn 't ready . I guess things have never been okay between us , not since the doctor said that . Family has never been a secure place for me . Maybe it never will be . Maybe Angela 's the person one step ahead - - running away might be what we all need . I haven 't received any more word from Kaylynn about her - - our baby . I 'm a little bit glad , even though it 's awful . I mean , she 's alone , and quite a bit younger than I am , and she can 't work while pregnant . I can 't believe what I 've done to her , and what I 've done to my wife . I feel like a monster . I 'm beginning to question my whole life here . Mary - Sue , well . . . Even when we were young , and I was so in love , she was always just a little cold to me . She rejected me the first time I tried to kiss her , and my sister was married and I got two promotions before we finally conceived Angela and Lilith . And I was doubting us as a couple already by the time she was in the hospital , but then we had two children , an extra strain . I guess Mary felt that too , because we 've been treating Angela like a queen compared to Lilith ever since . Maybe we were subconsciously hoping one kid would run away , but not Angela . Have we been hurting her all this time ? I 've made a decision . I 'm leaving . I just found out that Mom and Dad are splitting up , so they 've got divorce proceedings , police to work with , and hordes of Angela 's adorers coming to the door freaking out . They won 't be able to find her while dealing with all that . My plan is to leave early from school and hit the road . They 'll think I got detention or something . I 'll call them from payphones . One more confession , speaking of the word ' pay ' . . . I stole close to § 500 from the safe they keep in their bedroom . I 've known how to break into safes for years . My plan is working . This town isn 't so pristine over on this side of it . In the past two minutes I 've had six people try to sell me one drug or another . I saw one guy with a knife stare at me as if wondering whether it was worth leaving his bottle and paper bag behind in order to mug me . This - - this is the kind of world I can understand . More truth . Less pansy - like politesse . Angela wouldn 't last a day . But she can 't be dead ; I 'd know if she was . She 's my sister , and I 'm going to find her . I 'm just terrified right now . I can 't even make plans to get out without thinking of ways they could go wrong and breaking down . I 'm being fed cold soup out of cans , but I just keep throwing it up . My stomach isn 't steady enough to hold anything , and I 'm just so weak . I think I 'm even coming down with something ; what little I 've been able to eat rushes out again in minutes in the more embarrassing way , and I 'm coughing and sneezing . It 's probably nothing now , but even basic medical help isn 't present at all in a basement . I 've been trying to be cheerful , but this is just terrifying . Having to live surrounded by vomit and sweat and every other bodily thing , besides being disgusting , is known to give people serious sicknesses , and I know they 're not going to take me to a hospital or even let me upstairs to take a bath . They still haven 't decided what to do with me , but I could die down here anyway . Lilith is gone too . It doesn 't feel the same as when Angela left . I guess she 's always been more adult , more separated and less dependent upon her family , so it just feels natural that she left . And there 's nothing to worry about with her either - - she thought to steal § 500 from us . She always figures something out . I don 't know what she 's doing , or where she 's going , or if she 's coming back . . . She just never came home from school , and I 've lost both my daughters . I guess Daniel 's the only one who 's still got one , him and that smut of a maid . I just hate it ! I hate it all , and I just - - I want to - - I don 't know . I just don 't know what I want anymore . I can 't believe it ! Lilith 's gone too . She just never came back from school . I don 't understand why Mary - Sue 's not worried ! Yes , so she was planning it ; she robbed us of § 500 , but that doesn 't mean she 's not in danger . I know that I 've never been the most caring father , but she 's still just a kid . Either Mary - Sue thinks too much of her ability , or I think too little . But that 's because she 's my daughter , no matter how much trouble we give each other , and I want to make sure she 's safe . Mary is just so detached , like we 're just people and not a family to her . We 're just crumbling , my soon - to - be ex - wife , our daughters , and Kaylynn . It seems like it 's never just one life that gets bruised ; everyone who 's nearby gets struck too . If only it was just me , and I didn 't have to see all these other people I care about get hurt , maybe I could keep on . Yet it hurts just as much to watch as to feel . I think I 'm starting to put it together now . I 've been asking around in shops and things , and this cafe lady said that she sold a smiley girl who looked like me a cup of hot chocolate , but she got a little worried because it 's on the edge of a bad neighborhood and teenage girls shouldn 't just walk around , plus Angela looked really nervous and kinda furtive , so she watched her leave . Apparently Angela went behind a tattoo shop and never came out . I 'm going to go check it out , but after today I might not write much . I 've gotta focus on my sister , before something bad happens . If it hasn 't already . I found her backpack , full of § 5 bills , produce , a scooter , and a picture of our family . Even after all of us hurting her in one blow , she brought it with her . But then she left all of this behind , and she 's not stupid enough to leave her money and food on purpose . She got scared away - - or taken . Daniel and I haven 't spoken since a fight about my attitude about Lilith 's disappearance . That 's barely more than 24 hours , but it hurts a lot . I know I wasn 't very communicative before , but for some reason I miss even his attempts at conversation . Him just saying nothing , angry and silent , aches . I want him to talk to me . I want to talk to him . But we haven 't been friendly to one another in so long I don 't even know how to start , or how to tell him that . It 's hopeless . I just can 't understand what happened . Time is playing tricks on me . Years ago there was me and Mary as newlyweds , then as frightened parents , and I know things went bad from there , but it was a slow process . And now , over a week , everything has jumped to being even worse . Part of it is this fight I had with Mary - Sue . She was just sitting there , going through paperwork for her job , and I just started screaming at her and of course she startedd screaming at me and we got more and more hurtful and more and more personal until she just smacked me across the face and literally ran away . We haven 't spoken to each other since . I don 't know how it got this bad , and I don 't know how to fix it , but I 'm the girls ' father and Mary 's husband and it 's my job to help . I just don 't know how . |
I learned some things about myself in the camper van . Among the things I learned was that it isn 't the cold that troubles me this time of year as much as it is the darkness . I was trying to run away from it all that winter , but it all followed me . ( It all has a way of doing that , I 've noticed . ) Since then , I 've tried to be more aware of the light . It 's light in the morning when I drive into work and I stop for a moment before getting out of the car to appreciate it . Some mornings it 's easier than others - we had a long stretch of cold gray days to start this winter ; cloud cover heavy enough that the sun was barely visible as a brighter spot in the sky . So I take heart in the turning of the days . The year is turned ; the light will not continue to disappear . It will not leave us alone in the cold dark . Tomorrow the light will last a bit longer . It returns . I 'm trying to hold this thought close to my heart as I contemplate the trials the next few months will bring as I do what I can to help my daughter through this bout with cancer . ( She 's waiting on some test results to decide on a treatment plan ; we should know more in a week or so . The good news in the bad news is still that she found it early and it 's treatable . ) I need to remember the cycle of life ; that this , too , shall pass . Trials come and trials go , but God always Is , and the beauty is always there if I but remember to look for it . Posted by This year , my daughter decided to get a live Christmas tree . It wasn 't until she got to the front of the line at the store that she realized she 'd kill the tree if she kept it inside for the three weeks until Christmas . But , it was a long line , and she liked her little tree , so she brought it home anyhow . She and Alexandra decorated it , and then put it out on the small front porch of their apartment . We talked about the risks - someone might come by and take it , but decided if that happened , it was OK - only someone who REALLY needs one would steal a Christmas tree . A couple of weeks ago , Kate had found a suspicious lump in her breast . She made an appointment and went in to see her OB / Gyn . She agreed it didn 't look good , and sent Kate to get a sonogram / mammogram . Still didn 't look good , so they scheduled a biopsy . Kate called me as she was walking home that day . Her biopsy had been a little more involved than mine , and it hurt . She was scared . As we talked about the experience , she arrived home . As she went up to the door , she looked at her little tree ; her sign of hope . No , it wasn 't gone . Someone had added an organic , fair - trade , sea salt and almond dark chocolate to the decorations . Yesterday , she got the results of the biopsy . It is cancer . But if it must be cancer , at least it 's a caught - early , very treatable kind . ( DCIS - ductal carcinoma in situ ) It 's not time to despair . There is much hope . Still . It sucks . So , now she starts on the road I took three years ago ; the road I would take again , for her , if I could ; to keep her from having to travel it . Tests , surgeons , oncologists , more tests . Lots of waiting and fear . I had motivation . I was having a three year - old guest in , and didn 't want her to have to trek down two floors to our beautiful rustic subterranean stonewalled bathing facility should she have to go pee in the middle of the night . ( It 's a daunting enough trip at my age ! ) Someone ( not to mention point any fingers ) just had to have one of those modern twists on the traditional 20 's bathroom floor - the old - style tile , but with a border around the edge . It looked really great in the tile shop showroom . So what if I had to dry - fit the entire floor before I could begin ? ( I 'll admit - it 's a good thing I didn 't have to pay the tile guy by the hour . It would 've blown what little remains of the budget out of the water . ) It 's one of those projects that even as I was cussing me out while doing all the tile cuts I knew I 'd love it once it was finished . And I do . And , because I thought I could fit it in , I also got the kitchen floor laid , not without a bit of drama . You see , the black tile came in boxes of 21 ; the white in boxes of 15 . The Tile Shop computers thought both colors came in boxes of 21 , so when we got about 80 % done with the floor the Saturday before Thanksgiving we ran out of white tiles . ( I 'd had the tile delivered ; that 'll teach me to actually unwrap a skid to check its contents on delivery . ) So , we spent four hours on Sunday running around to the different locations in town picking up what they had in stock so I could finish the floor that afternoon , so the grouting could happen on Monday and be partially cured for company on Thursday . With all that running around , I was pretty tired by the time I got around to grouting the tile after work on Monday . So , when one of the tiles in the middle of the floor popped up , instead of doing the sensible thing and mixing up a bit of mastic to re - lay it , I just got out my trusty caulk gun and used it to glue the baby down . Subsequent research on the web tells me that may not have been the smartest thing I 've ever done - caulk doesn 't hold up under traffic load . But , what 's done is done and the tile is firmly attached for now . I 've decided to think of it as a science experiment - how long will a tile stay attached to the floor if you use caulk to glue it down ? We shall see ! Joe and I went for a slow amble around the park this last Saturday , just before the weather turned cold again . I was recovering from a bout with a stomach virus , and since it was a beautiful day , decided a walk just might help my joints recover a bit . ( It did . ) I just want to get along with my brother . I don 't want to stop loving him . I truly love him but sometimes when we fight I am feeling I am loving him less . God / Jesus I just want to have a normal childhood life with him . Sincerely , Alyson I am sharing the note with you all so you can add your prayers to mine . From the handwriting , I 'm guessing Alyson is just entering her teens . Lots of growing ; lots of change , inside and out . I 'm sending a prayer her way - that she and her brother find a way to common ground so she can get back to her normal childhood life . There are times I have had trouble loving my family . I 'm sure there have been times my family has found it hard to love me . And I know I shared her yearning for a normal childhood life . ( whatever that may look like . . . ) Calm down , Janice . You know perfectly well where October went . You spent it working at work and working on the house and the days whizzed by while you were thinking you really ought to stop and enjoy the good weather while it was still here . And then the good weather was gone . Almost . Today was gorgeous . I stopped myself from working long enough to take a walk around the park . Most of the trees are bare , but there were a few , like the one pictured , still showing glorious color . I spent most of the weekend putting down the tile subfloor in the addition . Many years ago , when we did the kitchen floor , we just plunked down the rockboard on top of the plywood and called it good . This time , when I looked the process up on the internet , most people recommended using thinset mortar under the rockboard . I really didn 't want to spend the time and deal with the mess , so I looked at several more websites . The consensus was still to glue the stuff down . Really ? So I called the tile store . Sure enough the National Association of Tile Manufacturers HIGHLY recommends gluing the stuff down . So , I grudgingly glued it down . And then put in the gazillion screws they want in addition to the glue . Those stupid boards better not shift and crack my tile - that 's all I have to say . I was most grateful for the good cordless drill I had to help me with the screws . I can 't imagine putting them all in by hand . My knees are sore enough as it is . ( I don 't think I 'm meant to kneel on the floor for over an hour any more . Not that I ever thought I was . ) For years I 've been intrigued by the images from a website put together by researchers in Florida . The purported purpose of the website is to illustrate the power of powers of 10 . It shows a series of images scaling in from a picture of the universe , to the earth , to a tree in Florida and into the cellular structure of the tree . As at teen , I read Madeleine L ' Engle 's , A Wind in the Door . It was my first introduction to the world of mitochondria . She wrote of a struggle between good and evil ; the battle scene set within the body of a young boy . I go back to the site every now and then , intrigued by the scale of the universe . The stars outside are mirrored by the stars within . And though I can 't quite make the connection , I wonder if L ' Engle was on to something . Could it be that it 's all linked on some cosmic scale ? When I take care of myself , do I bring good not only to the part of me I 'm aware of , but to some distant star within ? Is that that star within linked to the stars without ? When we do violence to one another here on earth , do the stars cry in reflected pain ? When we reach out to help another , do the stars rejoice ? Does the strength within that I draw on when my own strength fails come from the stars ? It 's an intriguing thought . She began to smile through her tears . " We used to be best buddies , and now we 're not . I wish you would tell me why . " The park is geared to horseback riding . There are not only trails throughout the park , but corrals for the horses in the campground area . ( all for only $ 29 / night ) I pulled in around four , and Scrap , a big , beautiful bear of a dog from the campsite next door , came over to say hullo . ( His owners call him Scrap because someone dropped him off like he was worthless scrap - they think otherwise . ) Ted , his owner , came over to call him off , and we got to talking . His wife , Amy , came out to join us , and we talked some more . They offered me a drink , then dinner . It was cold , the temps on their way down to near freezing , but the fire and the company kept me warm . I fell in love with them . She was warm and friendly . He would have fit in perfectly back around the turn of the century , last century . The self - reliant type , able to fix anything , short on words , long on heart . They are the kind of people that , once on your side , you know have your back . More at home on the back of a horse than in a truck . I could picture them at home , her working as a Postmaster in town , him running the farm . Not always an easy life , but together they get through the troubles . It 's good to know there are still people like that in this world . The next morning as I began to drive away , they came out of their camper . I waved and started to take off , then stopped and jumped out of the truck for a hug goodbye . I called them three weeks ago , right after I 'd finished the last of the prep work . I didn 't dare call before I was actually ready because if they just happened to be free and they showed up before I had my ducks lined up , I 'm thinking that Melvern Figge would not have been happy . And it 's unwise to get on the bad side of your contractor before the job even starts . So , I 've been waiting . Almost patiently even . It 's helped that I have plenty to do outside to finish the painting before winter sets in . And work 's been super busy since I came back . Figge ( it 's pronounced figgy . like the pudding . I haven 't even thought about asking him what dish he brings to holiday gatherings . I 'm sure he 's heard it before . But it makes me smile to think about it . . . ) Oh , yes . Figge called on Monday , letting me know they 'd be dropping off the sheetrock late this week . He called Thursday to let me know it would be delivered Friday afternoon . He called Friday afternoon to let me know they 'd be there on Saturday to hang the rock unless I had some objections . They showed up bright and early on Saturday morning , a crew of six hangers and Figge to supervise . They worked until about four - and got it all installed . Kitchen , laundry room , bathroom and garage . I was impressed . I try to add a bit of beauty to the world when I can , and often pick up trash as I walk as an easy way to feel I 've helped nature out just a bit . As I was walking along the banks of the river near the place I was staying near Glacier Park in Montana , I picked up a cigarette lighter and some bug spray . I picked up a stray piece of paper or two , and an old abandoned stuffed rabbit . When I got back to the house , I added the bug spray to their collection on the porch ( they have some killer mosquitoes up that - a - way ) , and went to throw out the rest . I easily threw out the lighter , but stopped when I got to the rabbit . I couldn 't just throw it in the trash , it had been loved . It had just one ear , and someone had picked off much of the fur on the lower half of its body . It hadn 't been outside long ; there was no rain or animal damage to the poor bedraggled thing . Unable to convince me to callously pitch it , I somewhat sheepishly tucked into one of the cabinets in the camper . I didn 't know what I was going to do with it - I certainly didn 't want to add a battered stuffed animal to my life - so I carried it with me for much of the trip . I opened its cabinet a lot ; several times I went to throw it away , and just couldn 't . Finally , I decided I would burn it at the next quiet campsite I stayed at . I 've always loved the story of the Velveteen Rabbit - I thought I could send the spirit of this little guy to join his . When I got to Lathrop State Park in Walsenburg , CO , I found the perfect site . Quiet ; no one to think I was nuts as I cremated some poor defenseless stuffed animal . Plenty of small sticks to create a funeral pyre . Still feeling a little foolish , I lit the fire , put the rabbit on top , and watched it burn to ashes . Feeling sad , I decided to talk a walk about the park . As I came around the corner of the restroom building , I saw a rabbit . The only one I saw on the the entire trip . He stopped , looked back at me , stretched just a bit , then leisurely made his way into the bushes . Maybe , just maybe , the little fellow I found became Real . I like to think so . They built their homes of stone and mortar into the sides of the cliffs . The building was an exercise in patience - they had no metal tools , and used stronger stones to shape the weaker ones . They did their work some 800 years ago - then left the area because it was time to go , so say the modern Pueblo people . When they left , they left their spirits behind . Even in the midst of the crowd of tourists , I swear I could feel their presence . Some of the protected areas of the dwellings still show the marks of soot on the ceiling . I can envision someone coming home to the welcome warmth of the fire after hunting in the cold , someone baking the daily corn tortillas to feed their family . In one tower , you can see a picture left behind on a plaster wall . It 's simple , red on white . To see it now , you must lean in and look up . Then , there was a floor right there - it 's just at the right height for wall art if one is sitting on the floor . ( The picture here rotated itself 90 degrees ; it 's feeling contrary this morning . . . ) They were an agile people . The dwellings are well - sheltered , but built halfway up ( or down ) the side of the cliff . We tourists used sturdy ladders to get down to the site and then back up to the parking lot . Next to the ladders , we could see the hand and foot holds they cut into the rock to get to the top to tend their crops ( they farmed the mesa tops ) , and down to the base . I 'm sure they had a way to get the injured and less - able up and down , but the journey would not have been for the faint of heart . They stayed here just three generations . It is said they left because there was a long period when the crops failed , and they moved on in search of a place where the corn would always grow . ( Obviously , they never got to Iowa ! ) They abandoned their buildings and moved south and west to join the other Pueblo peoples . I wonder who was the last to leave the village . Did they linger and cast a longing look behind , or did they resolutely move forward , looking only to their new home ? I can only imagine . It 's a place of wondrous beauty - people come to see it from all over the world . I heard some Asian languages ( I don 't know enough about them to tell which is which ) , French , German , Spanish . And it 's not like this is an easy place to get to . It 's several hours from anywhere ; I 'm sure for many of those I saw , it was the trip of a lifetime . There 's a single road winding through the park - I must admit I 'm glad I wasn 't there during peak tourist season . As it was , many of the parking areas were close to full , and they don 't allow you to park outside those lots . ( for good reason ; the desert environment is fragile . Several million feet going everywhere would quickly destroy the beauty . ) Which means , as the road turns into a twenty mile long parking lot during the busy times , you can 't stop and admire and take pictures at every pullout . I 'm not much into crowds in remote places . It 's probably a good thing I went as late in the fall as I did . I read all the literature about how science tells us the arches came to be . They said the sandstone washed down as gravel over an ancient sea bed and compressed into rock over millenia . The wind and rains came , the salt eroded away and left the sandstone behind in the form of arches . Before I left , a friend gave me a care package for the road . Chocolates and a t - shirt and a book to meditate with and a journal and a bubble wand . ( I haven 't had a bubble wand in YEARS ! ) . I was touched beyond words . One night , at a KOA in eastern Washington , I pulled in just for a place to stay . I exchanged a few words with the gentleman across the way ; turned down the offered drink ; I was tired . The next morning , as I was getting ready to leave , there was a knock on the door . Would I like a piece of fresh banana bread for the road ? From the couple in central Kansas . Again , it was the end of a long day 's drive ; they were in the campsite next to mine . They gave me a drink and invited me , a stranger , to dinner . And from my son , when I got home , cheerfully making trip after trip to help me unload the world 's largest travelling suitcase . And from the friend , sure I wouldn 't want to head back out to the store after I 'd finally made it home , who brought over some milk and produce to tide me over for a few days . And from the friend who always takes a minute to send a kind word about almost every blog post . I had a wonderful time . Since I wasn 't driving , I was able to look around at the beautiful scenery to my heart 's content . The sky was a perfectly clear blue until we got within a mile of the shore . Marine layer , they told me . I 'd heard of the phenomenon , but had never experienced it . The temperature within the embrace of the fog was at least fifteen degrees colder than it had been a mile inland . amazing . Fortunately for me , they had warned me of the possibility and I had brought along my jacket . We stopped twice more . Once at St . Steven 's park to see the remains of a shipwreck ( notable in that all made it to shore alive ) , and again in Astoria , at the mouth of the Columbia river . Jane and I talked pretty much non - stop the entire way - it had been several years since I had last seen her , and we had a lot to catch up on . Let 's see . They gave up a Saturday , drove , packed lunch , knew the best places to stop , and also provided dinner . I provided my charming company . hmmm . . . Feeling mighty loved , I am . Despite the mid - day traffic clogs ( why aren 't those people at work where they belong ? ) , I had no trouble getting to the Portland International Rose Test Garden . It 's a beautiful oasis of flowers in the midst of the city . I got out of the van intending to stay for 30 minutes ; just time to take a few pictures . Almost two hours and I 'm not admitting how many photos later , it was too late to get to the bookstore without getting caught in rush hour traffic and missing dinner . I didn 't really mind - the flowers were beautiful . I took pictures , I sat , I people - watched - I had a lovely time losing track of time . So , the bookstore fell to the next day . I slept in , had a leisurely breakfast , and headed for downtown Portland and the best bookstore I 've ever wandered into . Powell 's New and Used books has one of each . They have the new books shelved with the used . On the end caps , they have lots of staff recommendations ; and if you want to sit down to read a bit - or all - of a book , they have a handy - dandy coffee shop . ( they do ask you to limit your selection within the coffee shop to five books , and if you spill a bit as you 're reading , that you purchase the item . fair enough . ) Today , I was tired . Instead of staying where I was , which was driving along the Columbia River Gorge along the scenic Route 14 through Washington , my mind kept falling back to all I left behind - the projects at home and school . My GPS didn 't like the drive either ; it had problems with my route . It didn 't think I could get to Portland along that road ; it kept flashing ' replanning ' for the better part of two hours . It 's a little eerie when your electronics are thinking along the same lines you are . . . It was a beautiful drive . Eastern Washington state is like the other high prairies I 've seen . Golden brown in the sunlight ; few trees , great views . The river ran along my left side ; I could often see the traffic on the freeway across the water , going faster than I was , avoiding the climbs and dips of the road I traveled . Fast wasn 't the object of my drive , however , so I stayed where I was . The switch from prairie to forest along the gorge is sudden . No trees , no trees , no trees . A few trees ( where did they come from ? ) , more trees , all trees . And the trees here are beautiful . Obviously not subjected to the killing ice storms of Kansas City , they grow gracefully tall and stately , providing shelter , protection from the winds , and shade . The bonus at the end of the day was an evening spent reminiscing with my college roommate and her family . She and I have one of those friendships that picks up as though distance never got in the middle whenever we get together . We skip freely from recollections of events thirty years ago to those of last week and random points between . A few years ago , she and her husband and youngest son stopped by in Kansas City . Tim and Aaron went off sight - seeing , leaving us alone to catch up on each other 's lives . Aaron was a bit amazed - " whatever will they talk about for three whole hours ? " He needn 't have worried . I felt a wrench in my chest as I left the road behind . As always , I wanted to capture the moment ; stay in the beauty . I didn 't want to leave . But life has taught me there is no way to stay in any moment . Good or bad . So , I reluctantly kept driving , knowing I may never pass this way again . I will try to hold the pictures in my mind , but know I won 't be able to . * * sigh * * As I drove , I was listening to retreat tapes made by Fr . Richard Rohr in the mid - 80 's , loaned to me for the drive by one of the Sisters , who works at Cristo Rey . The message wasn 't dated - spirituality hasn 't changed much in just thirty years . He spoke of faith and caring for God 's creation and loving ourselves before we can love others ; the messages resonated with the scenery . The combination made for a contemplative drive . The first night out of Minneapolis , I drove to Buffalo River State Park , near the North Dakota border . The park bore out my prejudices towards state parks - they put them where they do because there 's something pretty there . In this case , it is a bit of untouched prairie . Beautiful . From there , I drove across North Dakota to Teddy Roosevelt National Park - the North Dakota part of the badlands . I loved my hike down into one of the canyons . The short loop and the visitor 's center at the top of the hill were busy , but as I walked away and down the hill , the sounds of trucks and people faded away , replaced by the chirps of birds and grasshoppers . The view of asphalt and cars was replaced by the wonders revealed along a rugged trail winding down into the path ancient waters cut into the layered rock . The smell of car exhaust was replaced by sun - heated grass . For the first time in ages , I stopped to just breathe . I left North Dakota , and spent four hours along Route 200S across Montana looking at some of the most beautiful nothing I 've ever seen . Every turn along the road brought a new version of beauty . This turn showed badlands - like hills and vales . Around here , a desert landscape . The next revealed a lush and green valley , cows contentedly munching . And so it went . I found myself eagerly driving to the next hill , to see what I would see . And now , I 'm happily ensconced in a friend 's dining room after the morning 's hike in Glacier Park . Four of us went up into the park for a four mile hike near St . Mary 's lake to see the water coming down the mountain . It was cool up near the road , but once we got down onto the trail , the weather was perfect - comfortable walking in a long - sleeved t - shirt . We had almost completed our hike when the overcast skies decided to dump part of their load . I must admit I was very grateful for my ' 10 hiking essentials checklist ' at that point , and was almost smug as I pulled my waterproof jacket out of my daypack and hiked up the hill back to the car in relative comfort . The ( mis - named ) Monster ( because he 's really a gentle and good kitty ) , is not the world 's most intelligent cat . He 's a biggish creature , and not overly graceful . He 's been known to fall off chairs and run into walls . He has a wimpy meow and a wonderful purr . ( He purrs me to sleep some nights . I really like that part . ) Monster is a cat of simple pleasures . He takes special pleasure in boxes . Shortly after you set a box on the floor , he will find it and climb in . Then he just sits and looks at us with a very satisfied look on his face . Box ! Well , Monster has decided the sink is a Box . Even better , it 's a Box with Water ! ( He loved our drippy bathtub before we tore it out . ) If he is in the sink , he is NOT on the counter , he is in a Box . and he is allowed to sit in Boxes . And , he doesn 't even really barely even have to pause on the counter to get to this newfound mini - heaven . Surely , it 's OK to sit in this wonderful Box with Water ! I 've tried chasing him out , even turning on the water so he gets wet . ( whereupon he just jumps to the other sink ) . If I physically lift him from the sink , he will stay down , but gives me a reproachful look . ( It 's a Box . It is . It IS ! He is SO certain he is right . ) I 'm afraid I 'm losing this battle . What does it really hurt if the cat sits in the empty sink ? ( I mean , Box ? ) Posted by The good news part is that when school started this week , it was all ready to go . mostly . kinda - sorta . Close enough , at any rate . And , I 'm leaving at the end of next week . Back to the camper van , I go ! The school president is currently questioning her judgement in letting me finagle the contract clause . She 's worried about how the tech questions are going to get handled for the next month . So am I , but not enough to not take my break . I need it . I really need it , if I 'm not to start snapping at people for asking me stupid questions . ( Yes , all questions are stupid if I 'm tired and cranky enough . ) It still seems so far away . I have a friend who has started planning part of the trip for me , since I haven 't done any planning for myself . ( I may or may not follow the portion of the path she laid out , but it 's nice to have a plan to deviate from . . . ) As I looked out and planned , my eye would always get caught by the peeling paint on the neighbor 's garage . I didn 't like it . Now , they keep their house in good shape , but the garage is pretty rough . I think that because they don 't have to look at it , they didn 't think to keep it up . The back of their garage isn 't that big , so I found myself tempted to just paint it myself , so I wouldn 't have to see the peeling paint any longer . I didn 't think it would take that long - 4 - 5 hours tops . So , one day I popped on over there and asked them if they 'd mind if I painted it . They were a little taken aback , but readily agreed to let me do the work . ( they quickly offered to buy the paint . ) I was talking to their neighbor to the south , whose backyard is also next to mine , and mentioned she might see me out there . " Oh , my " , she said . " Do you suppose you might be able to paint my side of their garage , too ? It looks even worse than the back . " Well , Anita 's been nothing but nice to me since we moved in . She 's getting a little older , and can 't paint the garage herself , and she was right - her side of their garage looked awful . So , I agreed . Which changed the job from a 4 - ish hour job to a 12 - 15 hour chore . It took several days to get the work done . It took a LOT of scraping , then I had to prime and reglaze the window before I could paint . As I scraped , I must admit I was asking myself what the heck I was doing out there . It 's one thing to indulge my own self - interest by painting the side I have to look at , it 's another to paint a side I can barely see . It was hot . I was sweaty . I mulled it over . And I decided it was high time I 'd reached out and done something nice for someone just because I could . I 've been mostly just taking care of me for some time . I think I said yes because I was overdue for some good church . Now , I 'm not much on formal religion these days - when asked , I claim to be a member of the Church of Random Kindness and Senseless Beauty . My church isn 't much on doctrine , but it does ask , when the opportunity presents itself , that you reach out in kindness to others . The garage painting gig was a perfect opportunity to reach out . As I reached this conclusion , Anita saw me out there working . She came out with her ladder and a pitcher of ice water and a glass of ice . ( and refilled it after the ice melted . ) She was so grateful - she 's worked hard to make her small back yard inviting , and the eyesore next door was hard to camouflage . It 's not often I get instant feedback that I 've done the right thing , but there it was . Suddenly , I didn 't mind the heat and the sweat . As Anthony De Mello wrote - I gave myself the pleasure of pleasing others . and it felt good . The line originally crossed the back yard at about 8 ' ; it was easy to reach up and grab it - and the squirrels had no trouble jumping from the fence to the line and from there to the roof . I wasn 't so keen on the 8 ' above the ground part ( I didn 't know yet about the squirrel condo in the eaves ; if I had , I wouldn 't have been keen about the squirrel roadway part either ) , so when I had the foundation dug , we also buried conduit between the house and the garage . When the outside of the garage addition was complete , I had my electrician come back and install a new meter box . ( The line had to move SOMEWHERE , anyhow - the location of the original meter is now in the middle of my kitchen . ) The power company was most cooperative about coming out to move the line from the house to the new box . I don 't think they were keen about that 8 ' clearance , either . From the new meter box , the line runs below ground to the new crawl - space ; the main panel has now become a sub - panel off the feed . Turns out the squirrels didn 't like having their main highway taken down . They CAN make the leap to my roof from the neighbor 's house , which is only about 10 ' away , but it 's an awkward jump . It 's uphill , and not a great angle . I 'm happy . The squirrels , presumably , are happy . The cats , not so much . One of their favorite pastimes was watching the squirrels through the screen , plotting how they could get out there to catch the little buggers . With no rodents to watch , they 've had to find other interests . Oh , well . Can 't please everyone . . . Like many high school students , my friends and I thought it fun to teepee houses . We 'd round up our weapons by scrounging from our parent 's houses and assorted public restrooms . ( a belated apology to those gas station and restaurant owners . . . ) We 'd pile in my van ( a discreet vehicle it was - a red and white full size Chevy van ) and go to the targeted friend 's house . We 'd park around the corner and gather up the missles . We 'd creep not - so - silently in the night and set to work . I still remember how good it felt to launch a roll just right , to see it soar high into the night over the targeted tree branch ; a ribbon of white arcing in the darkness , decorating the tree in ghostly strips . One night , we decided to target David Looby 's house . There were five or six of us in the group . We marshaled our resources and managed to come up with over twenty rolls of TP . The Looby 's had three or four mature trees in their yard ; we covered them in white . A masterful artwork if I do say so myself . We congratulated ourselves on a job well done , and went home to sleep with satisfied hearts . The next day , I oh - so - casually called Dave to see how things were . " Do anything fun last night ? " , I asked innocently . " Yeah " , he said . " We got teepeed and boy is my mom mad ! She 's grounded me for the next two weeks . She says she thought my friends were better than to pull such a sad stunt ! I 'd better get back outside to finish cleaning up before she gets any madder . . . " I felt awful . We were out to have fun , not to get anyone into trouble . So , I called the others in the crew , and gathered them up . Properly shame - faced , we headed back to the Looby 's to help with cleanup and to apologize for the trouble we 'd caused . Much to our surprise , when I pulled up to the house , there wasn 't a shred of toilet paper to be seen . Hoping to salvage some of our relationship with his mother ( she made the BEST tubs of popcorn . . . ) , we rang the doorbell . When she answered , we poured out our apologies . We were so sorry , hadn 't meant to cause anyone any harm , we had come back to clean it up , would she please forgive us ? She cocked her head and looked at us , puzzled . She said she hadn 't been mad at all . In fact , she thought we 'd done a capital job . As we stood there in stunned silence with our mouths hanging open , Dave came around the corner laughing . After a moment or two his mom figured out what had happened and joined in . A long moment later we finally figured out the joke was on us , and our laughter melded with theirs . The latest was a cute little bottle of Burt 's Bees lotion my daughter got for me a couple of years ago . Why didn 't I use it right away ? I don 't know . I thought I had to use up my regular lotion first . I thought I needed to save it for something special . I hate it when I do this . When , exactly , do I think I will enjoy the special things that surround me if I don 't enjoy them now ? Is there some just - around - the - corner tomorrow where the stars will align and I will feel I have worked hard enough to use the special instead of contenting myself with the everyday ? It 's OK to eat the last of the raspberries - I don 't have to save them for tomorrow ; they 'll be bad by then anyhow . Likewise the chocolate . ( OK . It 'll last longer than the raspberries , but still . How many times have I gone to the cupboard to find a delicious piece of chocolate gone gray and stale because I was saving it . . . ) It 's OK to use the little bottle of lotion . If it 's gone , it 's gone . At least I would have enjoyed it . And if I really like it , it 's OK to buy more . It 's OK to treat me as if I 'm special . As if I deserve to be treated now and again . Or even every day . I 'm going to try harder to enjoy the beauty around me . All of the days , not just the predetermined special ones . I know that more days could be special if I 'd let them . I will try . We 've hauled load after load to the dump , but there 's still more to be hauled . ( OK - I actually went with Joe to the dump with exactly one load ; he 's taken the rest himself . But I have helped load them all onto the truck , if that counts for anything ! ) I may not have a bathroom upstairs , but we 've cobbled together the necessary facilities in the basement . Admittedly , there 's not a ton of privacy down there , but we 're careful to check what the basement occupant is up to before heading down the stairs . I can 't turn the air conditioner on - there are too many holes in the walls and it would be unable to keep up with the airflow . Fortunately for me , the weather 's been unseasonably rainy and cool . As hard as it is to see right now , we are making progress . The framing carpenter is done , and the house is weatherproof . I finally quit dithering and ordered all the tile , which got delivered today . My brother will be back next week to work on the plumbing . I 'm still hoping I 'll have a semblance of order here by the end of the summer . It 'll take a bit longer than I 'd planned , since I 'll need to finish building my kitchen cabinets without Ron 's help , but I 'll get there . He invited us to come watch him race in Hastings this past weekend . When you start racing , they put an X on the back of your car ; sort of a ' Student Driver ' sign for race drivers . You get to take the X off after you 've successfully completed four races without incident . He 'd completed two races last year , this set was to be the one where he graduated . Curious to get a taste of a Porsche club driver 's life , the kids ( Kate and the baby are here ) and I piled into the car and made the six hour drive after work last Friday night . We got to the track in time on Saturday morning to watch his first practice run . I was catching up on the latest family news with his wife and kinda - sorta watching him drive when the cars on the track all came to a halt . You could see smoke off at the far end of the track - right about where Michael had been driving . We watched anxiously for his car to pull off with the others , but didn 't see it . We COULD see the white roof of the car that was burning ; the same color as his car . Since the waiting ambulance didn 't take off , we weren 't panicked , but at the same time . . . Sure enough , when his car came off the track , it was on the back of a tow truck . Once off the track , they pulled it over to the side and doused it with water good to make sure the fire was out . It turns out he 'd taken a turn wrong , run onto the grass , got a load of alfalfa stuck under the car and the heat of the engine set fire to the hay . I was quite sad . We 'd driven a long ways to see him reach for a dream , only to see it go up in smoke . Little did I know . They brought the car back to his spot , and within a few minutes he had all four tires off . He and Joe climbed under the car to pull out all the packed grass ; his wife wiped the extinguisher residue off the exterior . By the time his first race started 90 minutes later , the car was ready to go . I was impressed . A couple of hours later , he had his two races tucked safely under his belt . Relaxing in the condo after the event , he was tired , but obviously high on his well - earned achievement . Yea , Michael ! So , Joe and I sat down last night and constructed a squirrel exclusion door . An exclusion door is a steel wire gizmo with a spring - loaded door , designed to allow the squirrels to exit from their penthouse suites , but not to re - enter . Kind of a low - tech bouncer . I measured , Joe cut . I climbed the ladder and did the fine - tuning on the bending . I screwed our creation into place , and went to bed secure that I was one up on the little buggers . This afternoon , I climbed out of my car and startled a squirrel who was hanging out on a portion of the roof where I don 't normally see the nefarious pests . He jumped , ran up the roof , and disappeared . I stepped back a bit to see where he 'd gone , and sure enough , they 've made a matching hole on the north end of the house . He was peering over the edge at me , as if to try to figure out if I 'd seen where he 'd gone to hide . However , I 'm not spending all of my time chasing squirrels . Last weekend , I had a great time tearing down the walls in the kitchen . I found some more bad karma cooties lurking in the ceiling . I 'd suspected the bath faucets almost had to be leaking , but hadn 't been worrying a whole lot about it since there wasn 't any water coming through in the kitchen below . When I got into the ceiling , I found the water hadn 't been leaking because they 'd green - rocked the area under the leak . ( Green - rock is a mold and water resistant type of sheetrock . ) In two layers . The leak wasn 't bad enough to come through both layers , but there was enough water to foster a healthy layer of black mold up there . The kitchen smells much better with the cooties banished to the trash pile in the back yard . I also got the main electrical line moved this week , from the back of the house to a new mast on the garage . ( It 's buried between the garage and the house . ) The framing is moving along , and while there 's still a ways to go , it 's getting to where you can see the bones of the shape of the new space . The amount of work to be done between where we are and the finished rooms is a bit overwhelming to think about , so I 'm trying to focus on one step at a time . It will get there eventually if I keep chipping away at it . I cussed a bit , then went outside to see what I could see . Sure enough , the little varmints had managed to get back into the eave I 'd blocked off earlier this year . This time , there are four of them . Young ones , which is probably why they were initially able to worm into the hole . I wasn 't sure why the coyote urine had stopped working , but figured it out later in the day when I saw some green plastic when I was cleaning the gutter . They 'd managed to get the packet out of the pocket , and tossed it over the side , where it landed in the gutter . I can hear it now . Back to Google . No , you can 't poison them - they REALLY smell bad if they die in the walls . I can 't shoot them , we 're within city limits , and besides , I 'd probably just take out a window or two . Searching further , I found some designs for one - way squirrel doors . I picked up the materials this last weekend , and plan to build me one this week , and try it this weekend . When he heard I was working on my kitchen , my friend Ron offered to build my kitchen cabinets for me . We 've been friends for some 20 - odd years . He 's helped me on projects before , and is the one who taught me how to sweat copper plumbing . I was more than happy to accept his offer ; I 've seen his work before . He got started on the cabinets last fall , before he and his wife went to Arizona for the winter . He called me in late March , letting me know they were headed for Missouri . I sent him a message a week or so later , letting him know my construction project is finally progressing , and to see how he was . I didn 't get a reply , which was unusual for him I waited a week or so , then sent another message . This time I got a reply that started : Janice , this is Marilyn . . . Ron is dying of cancer . I went down to his place to see him . In just over a month , he 's gone from healthy to a constant morphine drip . He won 't be alive much longer . I am so glad I went . He 's not able to say much , and the drugs muddle his thinking , but we were able to talk some . I told him this really sucks . I let him know again that he will always be my hero . I let him know I was grateful for his help and friendship over the years . We gave each other a big hug , and cried on each other 's shoulders . But my words felt so inadequate . What words should I have used to say goodbye when I knew it was likely to be the last time I will see him ? I still don 't know . I can only hope he understood the language of my tears . I didn 't know I still cared . It 's not like I left the church where she was choir director mad at her , it was another issue entirely . Yet , when I left , there was some unfinished business . It never sat quite right with me , but I also never tried to set things right . Neither did she . So when I heard last week that she was in the hospital with an infection , then that she had died on Good Friday , the depth of my tears surprised me . She was a good teacher ; she taught me how to cantor . I remember when I first met her , at a workshop she led some twenty years ago . Along with the technical aspects of singing and welcoming the congregation to sing with you , she asked , " Why do we gather as church ? " After gathering our answers , she offered her own view : We come to share our stories . The stories of Jesus and Moses , woven into the stories of our own lives . And so I gathered with a whole bunch of people yesterday at church . My tears flowed freely as her nineteen year - old daughter spoke of what her mother meant to her . I was sitting at an angle to her family - every time I looked across the church at young Christina , trying so hard to be brave and strong and to ( unsuccessfully ) stop her tears , I cried again . For her and for myself in much the same place so many years ago . Her story mingled with the readings , meshed with my own story , and I cried for her in the years to come , when her mother won 't be there to guide her through the rough spots . But her mother was a good woman . She laid a strong foundation for Christina and her brother to build the rest of their lives upon , and they still have their dad . He will be there for them and together , they will heal . My brother , I 'm sure , remembers well the time I asked him to swap out the back door for me . " How hard can it be ? " , I think . " Door out , door in . " , I think . " Two , three hours tops ! " , I think . I was so wrong . He pulled out the old , rotting door - and a good portion of the back wall around it was rotted out , too . It took him the better part of a week to put the corner of the house back together . ( He did a good job - it was sound when he finished . . . ) So , I should have known , when I started to replace the siding on the back of the garage today , that the project would take more than the afternoon I had allotted for it . Sure enough , we were pulling off the rotten siding , and when Joe pulled off one panel , the entire section of wall moved with it . There 's nothing securing the bottom of the wall . nothing . I suspected something was wrong . The inside of the garage was freshly sheetrocked when I bought the house . I saw the sag on the ceiling line on the back of the garage . Old , repaired damage , I thought . I was half right . It was old damage . We THINK that at some point , many years ago , someone hit the back wall of the building with enough force to knock the wall off the sill plate . ( It 's been known to happen . . . ) If you line up on the wall , you can see where it leans out at the bottom . In the intervening years , everyone just ignored or covered up the damage . Even old oak rots out when it 's been in contact with the dirt long enough . ObamaCare : 1 I must admit , having heard any number of health insurance cancellation horror stories , I 've been a tentative supporter of Obamacare ( AKA the Affordable Care Act ) since first hearing about it . The idea that people would no longer be left out in the cold , unable to purchase any form of affordable insurance , intrigued me . ( Me , I 'm OK . I am one of the few with retirement health insurance . at least for now . ) It 's been quite the process . They started last Tuesday , and would have finished up today except that the weather turned cold and snowy and the concrete companies wouldn 't deliver any mud . It 's exciting , after the long , cold winter , to see progress . ( The last piece that needs to go in is the foundation around the crawl space under the kitchen addition . The slab for the garage , the rebuilt front steps and the side of the house next to the drive are all finished . ) First , they dug out the trench footing for the garage addition . It 's 18 " wide and 3 ' deep . If you could get a semi into my back yard , it could safely park on it , I 'm sure . Yes , it 's overkill , but it 's what was required for me to get my permits , so overkill it is . At least I 'm sure it 'll all stay put . After that , they dug the big hole next to the house for the addition and laid the forms for the footing . That was fun to watch - though I must admit I jumped back from my vantage point at the back door a time or two when it looked like he was about to drive through the wall . After all the hoopla I 've heard about nightmare inspectors coming by , I have to say I 've been pleasantly surprised by that part of the process . You call , they come by within the next two hours . As long as you 've more - or - less followed the plan ( and we have ) , they sign off on the work , and you 're good to go . It 's been a little dusty , a lot muddy . The contractor showed up at noon , hung - over , the second day of the project , and was obnoxious to work with to boot . ( If I hadn 't had such trouble getting someone in here , I 'd probably have fired him - how unprofessional ! ) Fortunately for him , the guys actually doing the labor were here on time and good to work with . Also fortunately for him , it was just the one day , and he was fine to work with the rest of the time , or I might have fired him anyhow . The framing will start next week . I like and trust the contractor who 'll be doing that part of the project . He 's a rare gem , and I know my stomach will be happier with this next piece . And just in time . Friday night , as we were toasting garlic bread in the oven , the handle on the door pulled off . It made it quite a challenge to finish the bread since the door tried to pull itself in half when we opened it ( and there was no way to reattach the handle until the oven was cooled down ) . But we persevered and managed to finish cooking without the door completely falling off . It was close . . . I met with the contractor on Wednesday morning . The job is going to be a challenge for him and his crew . The drive is narrow , too narrow for any kind of a tandem - axle truck . The current slope of the backyard goes towards the foundation , which means the grade needs to be changed . The top of the current foundation is just an inch or two above the dirt , and current code requires at least a six - inch gap between the top of the foundation and the surrounding soil . But I 'm confident he 's up to the job . He 's supposed to be here next week to do the digging and pour the concrete . Yesterday was 70 and sunny , and Joe and I spent much of the afternoon doing some final prep work . He took the concrete front steps apart , I removed the rotting trim boards on the garage . ( he muttered something about an imbalance of labor , but I pretended not to hear him . ) I picked up her custom somewhere in there . Come late February ( they arrive here in Missouri sooner than they ever got up to Minnesota . Makes sense if you think about it at all . . . ) I start watching for their arrival . When I catch my first glimpse of an orange breast , my heart lifts . I remember my mother 's smile and know mine matches hers from so long ago ; winter 's days are just about over . Joe and I have been taking regular walks through the park this winter . Once the weather turned last fall , all the people went home and we 've pretty much had the park to ourselves . I think I 'll probably miss the quiet on our walks once the weather turns in another week or two ( though the people - watching will greatly improve , so perhaps it won 't be so bad ) . Last night , it was well after sunset when we were out walking . As we turned the last corner for home , the branches of the tree we were approaching were silhouetted in the streetlight , and I thought I saw buds on them . I stopped and pulled one close for a better look , and sure enough the buds are swelling . Give them just a few warm days and they will be bursting out in their spring song of green . The last few weeks , as I 've gotten up in the morning , I 've been aware of the sound of the squirrels scampering on the roof . Then , one day last week , I happened to go outside when they were scampering , and there wasn 't a squirrel to be seen . But , I could still hear the sounds of little fat - tailed rodents . So , I took a look around . Sure enough , up at the corner of the roof , there was an opening where the flashing had come loose . And a matching opening at the opposite corner of the house . Just enough room for an cold squirrel to squeeze on in . And , once they were in , I 'm sure it was no trouble at all to find their way down the plaster walls to the first floor eaves where they have set up two cozy condos , one front , one back . They make rather considerate neighbors . They get up around the same time as the sun . You can hear them moving about as they get ready for work . Then , they come home about the same time I do , and settle down for the night . But , considerate neighbors or no , they had to go . So , I did my internet research , and found that loud noises will often scare them off . So this Saturday , while I was out and about for a while , I turned the stereo up real loud . When I came home , I climbed up on the ladder and plugged up the holes . It worked for the back condo , I haven 't heard another peep . But this morning , at approximately 6 : 42 , I was startled awake by the tenants in the front condo . Seems they are rock and roll lovers , and hadn 't left because of the noise after all . They were quite frantic , running up the wall to the ( now plugged ) exit , then back down , the scurrying in circles . I couldn 't leave them trapped in there to die , so , with a heavy sigh , I got myself up out of my warm bed , rousted Joe out of his , and we got the ladder back out to unplug the exit . That ended the frantic noises in the walls . We shoved a couple of the packets into the eaves through a handy outlet box , and now we 'll see . I hope it 'll get them out - it would work for me , I can tell you that much . I caught a whiff through the package seal - whew ! Afraid the burnout I 'd been fighting would win , I decided to quit before I flamed out . I 'd planned to downsize , but after selling my house in April 2011 , I thought , " hmmm . . . . " and took a chance on freedom . I put my things in storage , bought a camper van , quit my job and drove away . There are so many beautiful places in this country I hadn 't seen yet . And now I 've seen some of them ; stopped for a bit . Time to breathe , relax , recharge . My trip was cut short by life 's detours , but the joy of it is still with me . |
January 11 , 2015 | Dachsodis I had a normal , happy , uneventful childhood until I was about 8 years old . I still had a mostly happy childhood past those years , but it was far from normal . And there were times that were dark , horrible , times when we were almost taken away from my mother , times where I almost ran away , and times that I wish to forget . My dad was a military man , loving , but firm and very strict . Manners , respect for elders , and education were what he focused on teaching his children . He is an amazing dad , I am lucky to have him . But we aren 't exceptionally close . We love each other and have a great time when we are together , but we are two very different people and I disappointed him a lot when I was a teenager and I don 't think we 've quite moved past that . I think once I graduate with a college degree , I will be held in higher esteem in his eyes . My mother was the complete opposite . She was happy - go - lucky , fun - loving , let us get away with almost anything , and didn 't care about education . She is two years younger than my dad , and dropped out of high school at 16 - years - old so they could get married . I 'm not sure why they fell in love , but they had a very happy marriage for 16 years . My older sister ( that I adore and think the world of ) , was the apple of my dad 's eye . I wasn 't jealous . My mom poured the attention and love on my little brother and me plenty , and I have an amazing relationship with my sister so I never envied her . She is a genius , kind , sweet , caring , with a great sense of humor . She 's beautiful . Who wouldn 't love her ? She is extremely close to my dad . I felt like my dad gave most of his time and attention to her , and I don 't blame him . I was a " hip " baby and only wanted my mother . She was born with a love of learning and a passion for education , and with my father 's urging and approval , excelled in school effortlessly . She was placed in gifted classes almost immediately and scored high enough to skip grades , but my parents never let her . I 'm not sure why . My mom wanted her to be happy , my dad wanted her to become a doctor or lawyer ( which I 'm sure she would have succeeded at either ) , but she wanted to be a special education teacher . My mom was proud , but my dad did not like this idea at first , until my sister politely but firmly put him in his place . He told her she was wasting her intelligence , but she replied , " Why shouldn 't smart people be teachers ? Just because I won 't make as much money as I could have , isn 't educating young minds more important than money ? Should only stupid people teach our young ? Isn 't it just as important to put my intelligence to use in educating and guiding the minds of children , the future leaders of our world ? " Those are not her exact words , she would have said something even more intelligent and wise , but this conversation happened about 10 years ago and I can 't remember exactly what she said . My dad never pressured her again about her career choices , though . And she is very happy and loves what she does . My little brother , love and light of many people 's lives due to his joyful personality , friendliness , empathetic nature , and silliness , adores my dad . My mom told me that my dad was so happy to have a son , their third and final child , finally a boy ! They were so thrilled . And he was such an adorable baby too , with his curly blonde locks and bright blue eyes . Everything seemed perfect at first , they had their three children and their family was complete . We were healthy and were mostly well - behaved and well - mannered children . But things changed when my little brother was four months old . My mom noticed that he wasn 't hitting the milestones that he should be . He couldn 't hold his head up , he couldn 't roll over , and she said her mother 's intuition told her something wasn 't right . They took him to the doctor and after months of testing , got the news that no parent ever wants to hear . Their precious first and only son was developmentally delayed . He didn 't have a specific diagnosis , he wasn 't autistic and he didn 't have Down 's syndrome , but he was definitely mentally challenged and would never be able to take care of himself or live without constant support and supervision . They cried . My mother is a strong woman , and an amazing mother . She researched everything she could get her hands on in a time before the Internet . She contacted every agency that worked with disabled children to get him the help and support he needed . He was in a special education preschool by the time he was 12 months old . I was only about 2 years old at this time so I don 't remember anything , just what my mother tells me . She told me from the moment he got his diagnosis , my dad started pulling away . He was still a good , loving father , but when he got the news that his son wasn 't " normal " , he didn 't engage with him as much as he did with his two daughters . My mom took care of Ben the most , she changed his diapers ( he wasn 't potty trained until his preteens ) , drove him to appointments , took him to preschool and therapy . Mom is the center of Ben 's world , but he loves his Dad so very much . Dad loves him too , of course , but he is very strict on Ben and disciplines him a lot more than my mom does . Ben loves everyone , he always has a smile on his face , and he loves to greet people . My mom taught him not to grab people , he use to try and hug strangers sometimes , or run up to them and at least grab them to shake their hand . But this is inappropriate behavior , and both of my parents wanted Ben to be as socially adept as his mental capacities allowed him to be . He was not allowed to throw tantrums , or get away with doing naughty things just because he was disabled . I am so thankful for this , that my parents didn 't just say , " Oh , he 's special , he doesn 't know any better , " they made sure he was taught better than that . But of course he will never be " normal " . He loves people so much that he couldn 't be taught to cut off contact with them completely , so he settled with enthusiastically waving at them , and giggling crazily with delight whenever anyone smiled and waved back to him . Sometimes people who had experience with special needs persons would come up to us , and after briefly talking to my mom ( my mom is a social butterfly ) , would sometimes hug Ben after learning how affectionate he was . This would excite my brother so much he would put his hands on my mother 's ( or my ) shoulders and bounce up and down gleefully . Both his gross and fine motor skills are lacking , and he had poor balance and can 't get his feet off the ground , but I 'm sure if he was able , he would have been literally jumping for joy . My dad would always try and correct this behavior , it still wasn 't good enough , he had to ignore everyone , and he definitely shouldn 't giggle when others waved to him , no normal person does this . My brother always tried to please my dad , was always on his best behavior , but he will still never be the son he wanted . He is considered non - verbal , he communicates mainly using sign language and he gets by with a few gestures and partial words . He can say , " MaMa , Nae ( René , our sister ) , Neenee ( me , Jennifer or Jenny as my family use to call me as a child ) , ah - lah ( Hello ) , Miiiii ( Mike , Mom 's longest - running boyfriend ) , DeeDee ( Dad ) , Ho - Ho ( he cannot say just " Ho " ( thank God ) , it is a very fast HoHo , for Santa Claus ) , Dee - de - Dee ( Trick or Treat , he loves Halloween ) , and a few others . I think Ben is perfect just the way he is . He is tough , he has had injuries before , he has fallen down stairs and tripped stepping both on and off the sidewalk , but he always bounces back , he never cries . But when he does cry ? You feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest . After my parents divorced when I was around eight , I heard him cry for the first time . My mom was fighting with one of her new boyfriends , and they were screaming at each other and my mom was crying on top of her screaming . My brother cannot stand conflict , he hates to hear people upset , and he burst into gut - wrenching sobs . They both stopped dead in their tracks and didn 't fight again for weeks , and when they did , thAnd then there 's me . I don 't really like to talk about myself , but I will try and do the best I can . I am the middle child , almost three years younger than my sister and one year older than my brother . I have read articles that describe middle children as eccentric , and I 'd have to agree with that . I have been told by multiple people that I am extremely sweet , kindhearted , shy , goofy , compassionate ( I 'm sure this is thanks to Ben ) , always willing to help someone out ( which gets me in trouble with my husband sometimes because I get taken advantage of a lot ) , trusting to a fault . I 'm not afraid to be weird or be seen as weird or off the wall , and again , I definitely think a part of is because of my little brother . My sister and I had to entertain Ben a lot and most of the time we did it by trying to make him laugh because he had the cutest damn baby laugh I 've ever heard in my life . I remember one summer , my sister was messing around by the pool and decided to imitate that movie slogan where the guy is running across the letters and then jumps and falls off . She ran up to the side of the pool , flailed her arms wildly like she was falling in accidentally , screamed , and then really fell in ( on purpose ) . My brother laughed so hard he snorted , his face turned red , and he had tears running down his cheeks . As soon as she surfaced , he ran up to the side of the pool , and signed " More " over , and over , and over again as fast as his little hands could . We were always trying to find ways to make him laugh like this , so we learned early on how to be weird and how not to care what anyone thought of us . Ben loved his silly sisters and to be quite honest , due to his disability and lack of normal social skills , we were always being stared at anyway . Our lack of caring about what people thought of course has faded over the years , we both really do care what people think of us and we aren 't as crazy as we were as kids , but that weirdness still comes out when we 're together . My sister uploaded a picture of all of I know I 'm not as smart as my sister , but I 've been told I 'm extremely intelligent as well , above average . I didn 't really care for school , but I did okay while my dad still lived at home , because grades were so important to him . I wish I realized how important education was , because as soon as he moved out , my grades started to slip . Over and over my report cards would come home and say , " Jennifer is very smart and bright , but she just doesn 't apply herself ! " That was teacher speak for I was lazy . I was more interested in my conduct grades , I am a people pleaser , and always wanted to be liked and thought of as a good person , and my self esteem went up every time I got an " O " for Outstanding , the highest conduct grade you could get in elementary school . Despite my laziness in school , my intelligence was proven when it was FCAT time and my scores were the highest in my class , I was scoring in the high school levels while I was still in elementary school . But I despised homework and studying so my grades remained low . I really regret that now because I wasn 't born with a passion for education like my sister was and I didn 't realize how I was screwing up my future . I had a carefree mom who didn 't care what I did , and a dad who now only saw us a couple of times a year , so I had nothing to motivate me to do better until I was much older and realized I didn 't want to clean houses for a living like my mom . I was also teased a lot because the students who lived around me saw my brother in diapers , so I was the kid with the retarded brother . Now , I may have been a sweet , passive child who abhorred violence and ignored when the kids picked on me , but I saw red if they made fun of my brother . He didn 't deserve that , he loved those ignorant assholes and just wanted to play with them , even though they stood at the end of our driveway and pointed and laughed at him . When my sister got to middle school and started staying after for activities and clubs , my little brother and I were put in daycare . I was in the same classroom as him because we were very close and I knew how to handle him . When another little girl in our aftercare class called him a retard , I pushed her off the jungle gym . No one had saw me act like that before and they started leaving my brother alone . Plus he started to win some of them over with his never ending friendliness and playfulness . He is 25 now and still loves children , probably due to having the mind of a four - year - old . Our childhood took a turn for the worse probably when I nearly finished with middle school . I was still a child so I didn 't realize the stress my mom was under , caring for three young children , one of whom had a severe mental disability . She had no respite from him outside of school , she had a full - time job cleaning houses to supplement my dad 's child support and alimony , and we still struggled financially . She went from being a child herself , to a wife , and quickly to being a mother . She had no time to party with her friends , and my mom was as wild as they come . She missed out on her youth and she couldn 't contain herself any longer . She fell in love with a bad man who encouraged her to drink and she developed alcoholism . She was pleasant enough when she was sober , but she turned into a raging monster when she was really drunk . The man only wanted her for sex , and after a short time , they broke it off . Shortly after the break - up , I started hearing stories of this horrible world we lived in , people just wanted to use us and hurt us , nobody loved us , and people would assault us and rob us if given the chance , and men especially were the enemy . We were nothing but sex objects to them and they would do and say anything to get into our pants , and finding a man who actually loved us was a million in one chance and wouldn 't happen to girls like us . When my sister left for college , my mom started going out drinking nearly every night , leaving a terrified and anxious teenager to take care of her younger brother , feed him , bathe him , put him to bed , and protect the house from all the robbers that so plagued the world . And don 't forget the molesters who were out there on the hunt for young victims . I stayed by the front window all night long , just watching to see if anyone came near , phone clutched in my hand , ready to dial 9 - 1 - 1 if needed . Nothing ever happened , thank God , but I lived in constant fear because of my mother 's grooming . Most nights she brought different , random , drunk men home with her . Many yearShe found a new boyfriend through a dating website , though , an over - the - road truck driver . He had two children , an 8 - year - old boy , and a 10 - year - old girl , and they were sweet , fun children , and I liked them very much and was so happy that I wouldn 't have to be alone at night anymore . His children were living at their grandmother 's house but when she found out he was dating someone , she kicked those darling children out and they came to live with us before my mom had even met their dad . That should have been a warning sign that something wasn 't right with this man or his family . As a child , I could read people pretty well and I had a very sick feeling in my stomach over this new boyfriend . But he was kind to my mom and brother so until he did something otherwise , I was friendly to him but cautious . I never wanted to be alone with him and I didn 't understand why . He would be home with us for a few days , and then be on the road again for weeks . When he was gone , my mother would go out drinking . She didn 't bring any more men home with her , though . He returned one night and they were in the kitchen drinking and having a heated discussion , while us kids were in the living room watching TV . Quickly , though , the discussion turned into a fight . They were drunk , and screaming at each other , and I was suddenly very afraid because this man had a terrifyingly loud , angry voice , and a scary face . But I had to be strong , with my sister at college , I was the oldest now with three young kids that looked up to me , and I could not let them know I was afraid . I loved every one of them , but I did not want to be the oldest , I did not want to be in charge , I wish my sister was home because my mom has a huge amount of respect for her and would never dream to act this way in front of her . My sister has that aura about her , no one acts like a drunken fool in front of her because everyone always wanted René 's approval . He tried to walk away , still screaming of course , but my mom followed him , yelling louder and louder , and throwing cups , cigarettes , whatever she could get her hands on at him . The kids cuddled in closer to me and whispered they were scared . I faked a smile , and tried to tell them a funny story to distract them from the adult 's fighting , turned the TV up a little louder . They walked out front and slammed the door , and we could hear the continued screaming . Then it got quiet , and we heard the neighbors come over and politely tell them to knock it off . They came back in , still fighting , and my little petite mom picked up the coffee table from right in front of us and tried to throw it at him ; it grazed his leg and started to bleed . He yelled , " Oh , you want to fight like a man ? You think you 're tough ? Okay , FINE , we 'll fight like men ! " and he picked up a dining room chair and threw it at her . I didn 't know what to do . It wasn 't safe out there anymore , so I took them into my bedroom , locked the door , and we hid in my closet . My brother was crying , and the kids looked close to tears too . The throwing of furniture , the name calling , the horrible , horrible fighting continued . I was scared one of them would kill the other in their drunken rage . I called the police . For many years I wondered if it was the right thing to do . They showed up with record speed and quickly tried to assess the situation . My mom didn 't have a scratch on her , but because of his barely bleeding leg , they wanted to arrest her . I felt fear like I had never felt before . I cried to the police officer , I wasn 't sure what to do , why are they taking my mom away , I wouldn 't have called if I knew they were going to take my mom away , I don 't know what to do , this man scares me and I don 't want to be left alone with him . They asked if there was anyone I could call . The only person I could think of was my sister , and she was currently living in the dorms at her university , 45 minutes away . I called her anyway though , and she came rushing over . The police stayed with us until she arrived . I asked the kids what they wanted to do . They wanted to stay with their dad , at our house . So I packed some clothes for my brother and me , and we crawled into my sister 's jeep and she took us back home with her . No overnight guests under 18 were allowed , which we both were at the time ( I was maybe fifteen or sixteen ) , but she didn 't care . And my sister is normally very strict on following the rules . When we got back , I burst into tears and told her the whole story . I was so tired . I was tired of taking care of my alcoholic mother , her rage - driven boyfriend , his two young children , and my little brother . I was so darn tired . I didn 't have any friends , I didn 't know how to connect with other people my age because while they were talking about going to the mall and their plans for the weekend , I was thinking about what awaited me back home . My mom had a lot of friends though , and they stayed over a lot , so I talked and interacted with them mostly , I wasn 't alone . Even now , I still get along better with people older than me . But I can 't handle my mom when she 's drunk like my sister can , and I wish she was the one in charge that night . To this day , I still don 't like being the one in charge . Luckily it was a Friday night , and we spent the next day with her . She tried to take us on a tour of her college , show us how much fun it was , but I was too emotionally drained to really care . I tried to smile , feign interest , but all I could think of was my mother . We called the jail and was told she was being released , since her boyfriend wasn 't pressing charges . René drove us home and had a stern talk with my mother . She was always so mature , wise beyond her years , and here she was , having to parent her own mom . No child should ever be put in that position . The relationship lasted long enough for all charges to be dropped against my mom , so she doesn 't even have a record . I heard stories that this guy use to bring 13 - year - old girls into his truck and molest them , but I have no idea how true it was . I prayed they weren 't true , I wished it didn 't really happen , no one should ever have to live through that , but with my intuition about this guy and my fear of him for no known reason makes me wonder if they were really stories or not . ( I originally wrote this post about a month ago , but I was really shy and nervous to post it . It 's long and kind of depressing . But I have meant so many other wonderful bloggers through this site that bravely shared their stories , most of them going through way worse things than me , and I thought if they so graciously let me into their lives , that I should do the same and let them into mine . Thank you for letting me share with you . ) This prompt made me happy , because I have some very fond memories of listening to music with my mother growing up . We had one of those huge , tall stereos that were popular in the ' 80s … and it was on pretty much 24 / 7 . It definitely helped fuel my love of music … I have music playing almost all day in my home now , too . The only difference in my house growing up and our house now is the type of music … my mom was a country girl , she loved her horses and cowboy boots , and her taste in music was the same . It was almost like Alabama , Kenny Chesney , Diamond Rio , Tim McGraw , Alan Jackson , and Garth Brooks were helping to raise us all . She fell in love with Brad Paisley when he came out , but I was a lot older by then and don 't remember listening to him growing up . I 'm more into pop and rock personally . I don 't hate country music ( I never could ) but I don 't really like it and you won 't really hear me listening to it on my own . When I 'm with my mom we listen to it and I enjoy it then , but then when I come home it 's back to Katy Perry , The Fray , Goo Goo Dolls , Maroon 5 , Taylor Swift , Paramore , Coldplay , and Echosmith , among many others . I loved to listen to the German pop artists when we were in Germany , but sadly , I don 't know any of their names . I should probably go look up some German music , though , because it would be great to hear them again . And there 's a lot of Japanese pop music that I love , especially the Vocaloids ( which also has its own show and plenty of fan art ) . Now my husband is obsessed with classical music so I 'm learning that I enjoy listening to a lot of those composers also ( and he calls my music garbage … meh ) . I think the only genre I don 't like is rap , although my dad and I both like a lot of Eminem 's songs . So I guess since I grew up listening to country I should love it more , but I just don 't for some reason . But I still loved growing up in a house that was always filled with music . I even joined the band in eighth grade and learned how to play the flute , and presently I 'd love to learn to play the violin , that is a goal of mine . That might be a good goal to start on this year ! December 24 , 2014 | Dachsodis Life is good right now , even though my dad nearly ruined our surprise trip home . I was so angry at him for that , and I still haven 't quite forgiven him ! My mom , as always , is super late on wrapping presents and she was freaking out over not having wrapped my little brother 's gifts ( he 's 25 , but mentally challenged , and still believes in Santa Claus … or as he affectionately calls him , " Ho - Ho " ) I offered to take him to my husband 's house and play games and watch movies so she could get them wrapped woot I got out of wrapping presents . I tried to show him the Wii U , but his caregiver gave him Despicable Me for Christmas and he has been carrying it around the rest of the day , he even brought it to the dinner table with us , and he wanted to watch it . So we watched that instead and it was really cute , I 've never actually seen the movie , just clips here and there . He passed out near the end of the movie and I got a cute picture of him and sent it to her ( and she returned with a picture of her labrador - sized dog hiding in the dryer because of the thunderstorms we 've been getting daily ) . We found out the two days before we left that my dad was coming down from Atlanta for the weekend and would be leaving Sunday morning and we wouldn 't get in until Sunday night . I didn 't want him to get upset if we didn 't at least try to see him , so I had to let him in on the secret . He had to work Monday so he couldn 't extend his trip , but he promised he wouldn 't tell my mom or sister we were coming in . He dropped my brother off in the morning and told both of them that " they would be very happy by the end of the day . " My mom said he was acting giddier than she had ever seen him before . Now my sister 's freaking smart and my mom is pretty darn clever too so I was pissed about him saying ANYTHING that could give us away , and of course they started to wonder . My mom thought she was getting Edible Arrangements delivered , and my sister wondered briefly if we were coming in . By the evening when nothing else had showed up , my mom started wondering if we were coming in too . THANKS DAD . Ugh ! Our surprises didn 't go exactly as planned but they still went great and I 'm really happy about them ! My brother goes to a work program for disabled adults from 9am until 3pm and his caregiver keeps him from 3pm until 5pm so my mom can work or just get some time to herself . We wanted to meet him at his work program , surprise him , and then give the caregiver the day off and meet my mom at the mall at 5pm ( where they meet to drop him off and pick him up and say , " Oh , hey , surprise , F couldn 't make it so we thought we 'd bring your turkey butt to you instead . " His program is pretty far away , and his caregiver lives close to it , so the mall is a good half way point for everyone to meet at . ) Well , we showed up at the day program and my mom 's car was in the parking lot ! She must have gotten off work early . It was sprinkling as we walked up , and typical for Florida , it started pouring within seconds . We couldn 't find the door ( the program is in a strip mall with multiple spaces as theirs , but only one door remains unlocked and we didn 't remember which one it was ) so we 're running , trying to get out of the pouring rain , and we come across three people all by themselves in a room . It just happens to be my mom , brother , and his caregiver . We bang on the window , my mom 's mouth literally falls open , and the caregiver lets us in because Mom was too shocked to move . Hugs and laughs and surprised stares were given , and it was declared a success ! My sister teaches Zumba and her class is Tuesday night , so I thought it would be fun to sneak into the class shortly after it began and then just start dancing as if I belonged there . But she called my mom Monday afternoon and told her she was really sick with a fever and had another teacher take over her class . Bummer . I didn 't want to wait until Christmas day to surprise her , so after we found out she was feeling better Tuesday afternoon we showed up at her apartment and yelled , " SURPRISE ! " It was still nice but I wish I could have done my original plan . And now I 'm just sitting here , enjoying reliving my childhood watching Harry Potter with my brother , and hoping my mom calls us soon . Not for me , I love spending time with Ben , but as soon as the sun went down he has been obsessed with Ho - Ho and worrying he is going to miss him . As soon as we pulled in Robert 's neighborhood , he was asking , " Ho - Ho ? " ( No , buddy , it 's only 7 o ' clock and Ho - Ho isn 't even near us yet , he 's delivering presents to other children on the other side of the world ) . As soon as he woke up from his nap , he panicked and said rapidly , " Ho - Ho ? Ho - Ho ? " ( No , not yet , you were only asleep for 30 minutes . I promise I won 't let you sleep through Christmas . ) He still asks me occasionally and I keep having to remind him that it 's not time yet . He won 't be at peace until he is home in his bed . It was hard to get in the Christmas spirit before we arrived , but it 's wonderful to see the spirit still alive in my brother 's world . He will never outgrow his childhood wonder and love of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny . |
I 've been a fan of the band my whole life , and this idea probably goes back to when I met James for the first time in 1986 . I met James and Cliff Burton when Metallica played in my hometown , Edinburgh , Scotland . This was the week before Cliff died , so in retrospect , it was a pretty significant meeting . James struck me as someone who had a lot of thinking going on but maybe didn 't know how to express it . As time went on , it became an interesting idea to see how he had evolved . On a basic level , it also surprised me that no biography had ever been written about him . Those two things in combination made it a pretty easy decision . I was into a lot of the bands that were around at that time - 1984 to ' 86 - but was looking for something a bit heavier . When I heard Metallica for the first time , it was like inventing the wheel . It was a sound that was so different , so new and so aggressive . It wasn 't radically different from heavy metal but it was being done in a way that no one had ever done before . They 've always maintained that interest for me . What follows is a 5 , 600 word short - story written by my 15 - year - old daughter for her Creative Writing class . I thought it was pretty special . I hope you do too . " What were you thinking of ordering , French toast ? " Matthew Davis had asked his eighteen - year old daughter , Alexa , as he scanned over the menu and took a sip of his water . He knew it was her favorite to order as a child whenever they had come to the local diner for breakfast . Due to her seemingly tense mood , he believed she really needed this carb - filled dish with sugary coating , in which she 'd probably complain later on how much she regretted eating her days worth of calories for breakfast . For the middle of March , it was not surprising that the morning wasn 't very bright . There was more of a gloomy aura with light grey skies and dampness permeating the misty air … almost the perfect scene for a time as it . White sailboats with arrays of different colored flags dotted along the small waves . Some boats that were larger docked into the wooden posts , with miniscule buoys bobbing up and down in the surrounding water . There was a stretch of a steep hill that protruded out from the horizon of the harbor , with neighborhoods accompanied by old , wooden homes that would make one imagine it having a screened in porch and a swinging door for those summer nights near the water . The Davis ' had lived together in a small , two story , rustic home . It was a picture - perfect cliché for being near the water , with its wrap around porch , large windows , and a hammock hanging from a large Maple tree in the front yard . On the inside , you would find a small kitchen attached to an even smaller dining area accompanied by plain , eggshell white walls , as it was throughout the rest of the house . Matthew thought the choice of white walls brought positivity and a brighter atmosphere , but Diane , Matthew 's wife , believed it was too bland . Yet , Diane always had something contradicting to say . With only being about 10 minutes from the harbor , the location of the house offered a great view of the water . Matthew knew Alexa loved the beach , and with just moving into a new home , he offered to renovate the attic space for his then six - year old daughter to room in . Together , the two hung fairy lights , sheer curtains over the bed to replicate a canopy , and painted a small picture of flowers opposite to the window wall . Some of Alexa 's greatest memories were in that room , having Matthew read " Goodnight Moon " to her every night before bed and acquiring the chance to build forts with Sammy , her younger brother . Alexa pursed her lips , " You would probably think it 's stupid if I said it , it 's not important . " She sipped her coffee , pinched her mouth in distaste , and reached for another sugar packet . The taste of bitter coffee always made her slightly cringe on the inside . A bell chimed as a family of four walked through the door , distracting Alexa from her expectant father . The mother wore an olive green parka jacket , a cream - colored scarf , and beige boots paired with high socks peeking over the knees . It was something Alexa 's mother would probably wear ; Diane always loved the Earth tones . A small infant lay in the woman 's arms , tugging at her dirty blonde strands and sucking on a pacifier . Alexa 's eyes travelled to the father placing his hand on the lower back of his wife , with a young girl , more than half his height , reaching to hold onto his jean jacket . The young girl 's free hand held a teddy bear with a red bowtie around its stuffed neck , similar to the one Alexa had once owned as a child . Once the family of four had followed the hostess to their seats , Alexa returned to the paper sugar packet , tearing it open with her slender fingers , and pouring it into the creamed coffee . Matthew continued to look at his daughter with a look of expectancy masking his unshaven face and raising his brows . The inspection made Alexa uncomfortable as she shifted in her seat , and subconsciously played with the seashell necklace around her neck ; it was a comforting mechanism . " I feel that I didn 't live my life to the fullest . Nothing spectacular or amazing happened . All I 've done is gone cliff jumping at St . Mikes with a few friends , and I didn 't even jump off the highest edge … I was too scared . I haven 't gone to one single party , smoked weed , gotten drunk , had sex … " Taking a slight pause , she shook her head slightly , " Like how lame am I ? I only ever cared about school , and working almost every day of the week at Joe 's by helping rude customers just to try and make some cash for college . Oh , and lets not forget about taking care of Sam every night when Mom wasn 't around , but now he 's goanna be 14 and thinks I 'm a lame sister ! He basically called me a " goody - goody " for not wanting to have a good time like all of the other screw - ups in my school ! " It seemed to Alexa like the whole diner had quieted down after she had ranted ; only the sound of plates clattering and utensils following was heard back in the kitchen . Slightly out of breath from her hurried speech , she turned her head slightly to peer at the booth behind her , trying to reassure herself that they weren 't looking at her like some clown … in which she was right . All of a sudden , a deep and contagious laugh escaped her father , his palms coming down to slap a few times on the wooden table . " A - Are you serious ? " He stuttered between chuckles , his front crooked tooth coming into show , " Is that what you think life is about ? Partying and having sex ? " " Mm , okay . You sure are lame for wanting to succeed in your future and taking care of your younger brother . Maybe if you did coke , you would be cooler . " As she sensed the sarcasm Matthew exhibited , she began to question whether she should have said anything in the first place . He might find it funny , but this was no joke to Alexa . With a small frown , she picked up the menu lying flat on the table to the right and scanned over it again . She had been ready to get her reoccurring order of French toast , Alexa scoffed at this , and with a sigh escaping her father , he continued , " Seriously , Lexis . Life isn 't even about that anyways . You don 't need spectacular grand moments to be fulfilled . As long as you 're enjoying the times you have with the people you love , you should be happy . " " I don 't have many people in my life … you know that . All I have is Sammy and Claire . Me and mom … well … we don 't have great memories and she definitely isn 't one of my favorite people . " Alexa stated hesitantly and in consideration . " Well , alright , " Her front teeth clenched down to slightly bite the side of her lip , " I remember it was sunny outside , although we had been in the therapy facility , the day Sam was able to walk . You weren 't really there for much of his life , but damn , I wish you could 've seen the smile and excitement on his face . We were all excited that day … even mom and especially Uncle Chris since he had been the main one , besides Sammy 's physical therapist , to help him into getting back on his feet . Before that though , Mom was hopeless . The doctor said Sammy would need to see a specialist for his cerebral palsy , but she couldn 't afford it at the time . We had been struggling with money anyway because of the treatment for you , so I offered to try and start babysitting and walking dogs to earn some cash , but at the age of 11 that 's pretty tough I guess . Plus , Mom told me she didn 't want her 11 - year - old daughter having to work and make money for the family yet … it was embarrassing in her eyes . By some chance , Mom earned a bonus at work a few months later and found a wallet with only cash inside on the side of the road … I always thought you might 've had something to do with that day . A short moment later and with a roll of the eyes , Alexa continued with her memory , " After that , everything was a quick blur . At the age of six , Sammy visited the specialist and began to attend physical therapy three times a week over the course of three years . He had to do a few home exercises as well , which I always helped him with , unlike Mom . There were some tough nights where he got frustrated with himself … being so young . I understand why . He pulled through thankfully , and the day came where his therapist informed us that he could try taking a few steps with his walkers . I remember how big his braced smile was , with his brown locks all messy because Uncle Chris mushed it together . When Sammy began to lift himself out of the wheelchair , I recall going to his side to try and help him , but he pushed me away and informed me that he wanted to do all of it himself . I made sure to watch him carefully , almost going over again as he wobbled a bit while getting on his feet . Sammy looked at us with his big , bright eyes and yelled out , " Lexi ! Mommy ! Look at me ! " I praised him while Mom just smiled , and in great anticipation , Sammy took his first step . After all that hard work , I was immensely proud of him and I made sure to show that by picking him up and giving the biggest hug I could muster . " Alexa had a brief smile on her face as she recalled on the memory . Everything about her younger brother made her happy , she wished that she would never have to leave his side . The relationship had always been strong between the two , except the one time when Sammy called her a prude for not wanting to go to the biggest party of the year . She had been angry with him for a few days for protruding into her business , but eventually forgave him when he consistently apologized ; it got annoying . " I can only imagine how happy he was , " Matthew stated , drifting his words off slightly , and looking out the window again . She was slightly taken aback with his lack of words and was about to reach out to tug on his light wash , jean - jacket sleeve to pull his attention away from the quiet harbor outside , and back to her , when he began to speak again , " I miss him , you know ? I wish there was a chance I could see him again and watch re - runs of Full House together . " There was a stutter of silence between the two , both beginning to let their minds drift . Alexa studied her father ; she hadn 't seen him in a while . He looked as he did when she was slightly younger , definitely better than the last time she saw him , with his chestnut mop of hair , brown eyes , and thin lips . Slight aging under his eyes could be spotted , with a few stray lines beneath a cluster of masked freckles . More color in his skin and liveliness in his eyes could be spotted , if looking hard enough . She felt at ease with the man in front of her , knowing that the time did him well . Alexa wondered if time would do the same for her . With Claire in mind , Alexa 's best friend , she began to speak about her greatest memory with the girl , " It had to be almost the middle of July when Claire and I almost killed a bunny in the middle of the road . We had fallen asleep in her room watching Netflix and completely missed my curfew , which meant when I actually did get home , Mom would probably throw a fit and lock me in the house for two months . I think it was almost midnight when Claire and I tried to speed back to the house , her driving . We were bickering with one another , our voices overpowering the music playing on the radio in her mom 's old Volkswagen . While I was blaming her for missing my curfew , she was blaming me because I didn 't set an alarm in case we had fallen asleep . It all happened so quickly , but as Claire looked over at me to yell once again , I spotted a bunny in the middle of the double , yellow lines , with the car heading straight for it . I screamed at her to hit the brakes , but it was too late . When Claire comprehended what happened after the small thud under the car , she instantly slowed to a stop and hopped out of the car quickly . I followed her of course , and there she was , walking towards where the bunny had been . We had both been looking down at the limp little guy ; standing in the middle of the road , when all of a sudden it twitched its leg ! I was shocked it wasn 't dead , but I remember feeling extremely relieved due to the fact that there was a chance it would be okay . Its little chest was rising up and down fast , probably scared out of its mine , and struggled to get up . Claire asked me what we should do about it , so I offered to take the bunny home for Sammy to help nurse it back to health . She agreed with me , but then , all of sudden , Claire busted out laughing , which eventually turned into sobbing . Unfortunately , whenever she starts crying , I start too … we were emotional wrecks looking at the bunny . I was trying to console her , through my own tears , because she wouldn 't stop saying how terrible of a person she was for almost killing a bunny . When we both calmed down , I went back to the car and looked for some type of cloth or shirt to wrap its body in . Claire watched over me as I wrapped the bunny in an old scarf that I found behind the passenger seat , and bring it into my arms . Surprisingly , the bunny didn 't freak out or try to escape , but just let me take it to the car . Let me just say , Claire visited that bunny everyday after that night , and made sure Sammy was taking good care of it . After officially naming the bunny Roady , in honor of where the little guy was almost killed , we bought a cage for it to sleep in Sammy 's room . Roady ended up living two years with us , but all he did was sit in a cage so … " Matthew watched his daughter as she explained the story , using her signature Italian hand gestures and great facial expressions ; she sure knew how to tell a story . Even though he had been gone for the past seven years , he still had the chance to watch her grow and become a young woman . Alexa had changed her hair a bit , going from her original dark brown to a nice auburn . She stuck a piece of metal in her nose , which his parental instincts didn 't agree with of course , but it wasn 't too noticeable . It was true that she definitely had dropped a couple pounds , admiring her already petite figure , but it was good that she lost it in a relatively healthy way . The woman in front of him was no longer his little girl . Alexa laughed at his question ; the story did sound pretty morbid when she thought about it , " No ! It wasn 't about almost killing a bunny ; it was about the situation in general . The whole night was a classic Claire and Alexa moment . We tend to bicker over the smallest things , and will always end with one of us apologizing or the both of us laughing it off . It was my greatest memory because it was a night that truly showed our entire friendship , and the Claire that I grew to become my best friend . " " Yea … we do . She 's the only person who 's stuck by me all these years and vise versa . I wonder if she 'll be okay when I 'm gone … " She trailed off , feeling a bit disturbed by the thought . Claire didn 't have many people in her life , just as Alexa didn 't either ; the two were each other 's best of friends . Alexa would miss the Netflix marathons they made sure to do once a month and the long drives they took along the coast of Cape Ann beach , jamming out to 80 's classics and drinking the normal , vanilla frosty that they would pick up from Wendy 's . " You 're right . As time went on after you passed away , it became easier to deal with the sadness , " Alexa said softly , coming to terms with how content she began to feel about everything . " Claire would be okay , " she reminded herself , " and Sammy too . " With all the talking about her father , Alexa was brought to another memory , " Do you want to know my favorite memory with you ? " " It 's a bit random , but my 11th birthday , you took me down to the beach even though you weren 't feeling up to it . At the time , I might have been in denial that the cancer was soon going to get to you , but subconsciously I think I knew . I remember I really wanted to spend the day at the beach for my birthday , and I had continuously begged you . Mom wasn 't in the house … like usual . Uncle Chris had taken Sammy to his therapy appointment , so you were the only one there to take me . Now that I look back , you were probably really annoyed that I had pestered so much . Because you were too drained to drive , you insisted that we take the bus . A look of confusion crossed the once again , interrupted girl , as she tried to recall what he meant . She let out a small hmph , while in thought and instantly began to laugh once realization crossed her mind , " Oh , yea ! The woman that decided to argue with you about her seat . You were trying , " struggling to find air as she laughed , " so hard not to curse her out in front of me . " Gathering herself up from the funny moment , Alexa wiped her minimal tears and began again , " I instantly wanted to go into the water with you once we got there , but you told me it would be too rough on your body at the time . " These waves definitely aren 't Miami ones , " you said , although I had no idea what that meant at the time . Even though you hadn 't gone in with me , you let me go in by myself anyway . I made sure to scoop up a bunch of seashells while I was in the shallow area of the water , because you seemed unhappy and I wanted to cheer you up . You were sitting by the water watching me play , when I ran up from the water and plopped the seashells near your feet . Each shell I had brought up you inspected carefully , and chose the smallest one . It was almost too small with a very clustered shape , that I thought it was ugly compared to the rest of them … then you informed me that 's what made it unique . In the moment , the shell was very insignificant , but you suggested that we poke a hole in the end of it and pull a string through it to turn it into a necklace . I learned a good lesson that day because of you ; to not judge others by the first glance , but what essence lies behind them . " Alexa twiddled with the necklace as she explained the memory of her father . Somehow , when she would glide her fingers over the small ridges and bumps of the bluish shell , it brought great comfort and soothed her . While she had found the necklace so important to her as a young girl to now a young woman , Matthew didn 't completely understand why she had held onto it so long , " What do you mean the essence that lies behind them ? " " Well , after you had passed away a few months later , that necklace we made reminded me of the last good moment we had shared . When I began to miss you , I would hold onto the shell , think back to that day , and remind myself that you were at peace ; it helped me move on . Yea , it 's still not the prettiest shell , but what 's behind it is beautiful , " She explained , and looked at her father . A disappointed sigh escaped his lips as he heard this , " Yes , I know . It 's sad isn 't it ? She used to be so happy , and loved spending time with you and Sammy . We always used to come to this diner when you were a child … it was kind of a ritual every Sunday morning before church . " Alexa loved her mother and tried her hardest to forgive and forget , but the way she acted when Matthew was diagnosed and after his death , changed her view of the woman she once had a close relationship with . From the passing of her father , she had been the one to basically raise Sammy and put food on the table , with her own money , while Diane stayed at the local bar and reappear every few days to stay in her room , and then leave once again . Yes , there were some not so bad times with her mother , but the bad always outweighed the good when it came to Diane . " But I 've forgiven her so many times . Why should I when this could possibly be the worst thing she 's done to me ? " Desperate filled her voice … she wanted to forgive but she did not know how , " She should have known not to drive with me under the influence ; what kind of mother does something so ignorant ? " She looked up at him hesitantly , began to slide out of her side of the booth , and put her smaller , feminine hand into his extended one . When their hands molded together , Alexa instantly felt at ease to be in the smallest touch of her father . Matthew guided her towards another booth in the back , dodging a few coming people heading towards their seats , and passing the front door of the diner . He began to slow down in front of her and came to a stop in front of a small table in the back corner , with another large window on the wall . Once Alexa comprehended the sight in front of her , she tensed and let out a small audible gasp . There , sitting in front of the two standing , was the family of four that she saw walk in earlier enjoying their breakfast . But this was not any random family ; it was Alexa 's . Recognition became clear as she took notice of the young girl seen before , as herself at the age of six , eating a small plate of French toast , and holding onto the teddy bear with the red bowtie . One - year old Sammy sat in a high chair across from young Alexa , nibbling on dry cheerios . A slightly youthful Diane was sitting to the right of her , holding Matthew 's hand from across the table and sipping on her coffee . The young girl kept asking Diane for a sip of the coffee in her mother 's hand . " This was my greatest memory with you two . I think this morning was when the ritual of going every Sunday began . It was a couple years before I was diagnosed … your mom was still happy … we were still happy . As she watched the young family interact , she began to remember everything about that morning . Six - year old Alexa had been complaining that morning because she wanted her mother to make French toast , but they didn 't have any of the right ingredients to make it . To make her daughter happy , Diane suggested they go to the diner and eat there for breakfast . She bought Alexa a plate of French toast , which the young girl complained about eating at first , but became convinced to because then she wouldn 't be able to try the coffee her mother was drinking . Listening to her mother 's words , Alexa blew slightly on the coffee , and carefully took a sip with her small fingers wrapped around the stained mug from the previously , multiple times it had been filled with coffee . As soon as it entered her mouth , the young girl 's face twisted up in distaste as it did earlier with older Alexa and the bitter coffee . She quickly spit it out and the whole family began to laugh at the child . " I know you might 've had complications with your mother , but she wasn 't always the way she is now . She was happy , but sometimes people take traumatic situations differently . Your mother didn 't have the seashell necklace like you did , " Matthew explained to her , and gripped her hand a little tighter . With this entering her mind , Alexa began to feel less agitation towards her mother , but more forgiveness and understanding . The thought about how hard the death of a husband must be had never crossed her mind , and it wasn 't her place to judge due to the fact that she couldn 't relate . Yes , she felt a great loss towards her father , but Diane experienced something quite different than Alexa had . No longer did Alexa want to hold this grudge against her mother ; she was ready to find peace . Light began to flood through the windows , forcing the two to squint their eyes slightly to block the harsh rays , and bring their free hands to make a small shade over their eyes . As the light became less bold , Alexa peered out the window to the sky and became aware that it was no longer grey . The water was not dark and murky , but a strong blue with the reflection of the sun expanding along the small waves . Seagulls were flying around the harbor , some perched on the flags peak of the sailboats that were docked at the harbor , and squawking at the town 's people walking down below . It was a peaceful scene . With their hands intertwined , Matthew pushed the door open to the outside and continued to walk into the appending light . Before Alexa stepped out into the field of unknown , she took a quick glance back at her younger family with joy spread on their faces ; enjoying each other 's company . Six - year old Alexa was coloring in a placemat from the diner , seeming to be focused intently , when she took notice to the older girl looking at her . A smile played on her lips , as she stood up on the chair to wave excitedly ; the teddy bear with a red bow tie dangling from the young girl 's free hand . Alexa waved back , a final sense of ease overpowering , as she turned back to the front and stepped into the calm light with her father . Although its title may conjure up images of 1970 's Hardy Boys mysteries , this is a 21st century tale of fear and intrigue . Elizabeth Sanderson gets the call in the middle of the night that all parent 's dread . Her son , Tommy is at a sleep over at a park when Tommy suddenly wanders off and disappears . Tremblay is no stranger to accolades . His previous book , " A Head Full of Ghosts " was recently awarded The Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Novel . It was also optioned for the big screen by Focus Features and has even received praise by the master of horror himself , Stephen King . A U . K . version of " A Head Full of Ghosts " will be available in late September . I started by asking myself the question , " Of all the things that scare me now , which one scares me the most ? " As a parent myself , the obvious answer would have to be to have one of your children go missing . Then I started thinking about Borderland State Park . It features prominently in the book and is a real place I used to hike in all the time . I decided to put those two things together , and make one of my favorite places kind of creepy . I 've done both . With " A Head Full of Ghosts " I did a lot of plotting and pantsing . For this one , I started by doing a sixteen - page summary that took quite a bit of time to complete . I learned a lot about structural work as I prepared for the story ; right from the beginning and through the whole process of writing . The first draft took about eleven months to complete . When I first finished , it was by far the longest thing I had ever written . My son was actually my Minecraft expert . Both he and my daughter grew up playing the game . I didn 't know a whole lot about Snapchat , and most of that research was done online and figuring out what police would be able to get from it . There 's this idea of how using social media makes us safe and closer than we actually are . I decided to use it to make it harder to find Tommy . I usually don 't set a time when I 'm working a project but I do try to set a goal of 500 words a day - and that could be in the morning , afternoon or night . I always try to fit it in but also give myself permission to miss that mark . More times than not , I 'll make those 500 and some days will even surpass that . This book took me out of my comfort zone a little bit . All of my previous novels were done in first person point of view . This one was third person jumping around to different characters . It 's good to push yourself as a writer and continue to get better . For someone starting out the biggest thing is read … read … read ! If you want to be a writer , you can 't sacrifice anything else for reading . Also , give yourself a reason to be patient . If the first book doesn 't sell , use that process to stick with it . You 'll learn a lot as a writer from being rejected and from listening to what editors say . Take their comments about your work and use it to get better ! It 's very affirming and humbling . I actually started writing because of Stephen King . So getting accolades from one of my heroes tells me that the work has paid off . Winning an award by a horror association is also one of the highlights of my professional life and something I 'll never take for granted . I don 't want to add to the culture of fear and have people be freaked out and afraid for their children . But I 'd really like for people to come away feeling empathy for all of the characters - even the ones that don 't do good things . As a writer , that 's important to me . Readers don 't always have to feel sympathy for the characters but they should understand the decisions that they make and why they do what they do . What made you decide to write a book at this stage of your career ? I really wanted to tell my story . As a female in the music industry - a man 's world - trying to become successful , I wanted to document it , and I wanted to be able to leave something behind so people would know what was going on inside of my life . The hurdles I had to jump and the things I had to do to be where I 'm at today and to hopefully carve a path for others . At first , it was difficult trying to get a co - writer who could follow me . Because there 's so much crammed into my life , it was sometimes hard for me to get the point across . But I didn 't want the book to come out in any other shape or form . It had to be true and it had to be real … and we did it . On first glance I estimated its size to be approximately three - inches wide by four - inches deep . A perfectly shaped cylinder unlike any of the typical oblong - shaped chasms that are dug by man . On the contrary , I was certain this particular hole was delivered by one of the masters of dirt and dig - a varmint . The enemy of perfectionist yard enthusiasts everywhere . For the last twenty years mowing the grass has been the only thing that has really given me any sort of happiness . During that same span of time the long , blondish lawn on my own head has disappeared and the chiseled abs I once had have succumbed to the inevitable phenomenon I like to call age mass . I 've been in and out of jobs over the years , habitually single and even survived a bout with colon cancer at the tender age of thirty - six . For the most part you could say that my life has been pretty much status quo . But I wasn 't always the lawn - loving , bald , thick in the middle - man you see here before you . At one point in my life I actually had dreams . Dreams of becoming the next Edward Van Halen as guitarist for the hair metal band , Silent Rage . Don 't worry . I won 't shed a tear if you haven 't . But I will say that Silent Rage was one of the 80s most well - known hard rock groups . I mean , we played gigs everywhere from Maine to South Florida ; opening for bands like Winger , KIX and Heaven 's Edge . We even had a showcase for the Adverse City Records honchos in New York City , who promised us a two - album recording deal in early 1991 . Yep , the world was going to be our oyster . That is until Kurt Cobain , Alice in Chains and the rest of those Seattle grunge lunatics shot that dream to hell . Forcing the band to dissolve and me to have to sell off most of my gear and take on the first of countless jobs just to make ends meet . Eventually leading to the middle - aged conundrum I now find myself in . How did I not notice this obtrusive hole while I was mowing , you ask ? Good question . I pondered the same thing myself . Surely I would have seen a tennis ball sized hole as I was making passes over it with the lawn mower , yet I must have somehow overlooked it . But what made the whole thing even stranger was the fact that there was no dug - up loose dirt in the area surrounding the hole . In fact , the earth near the hole was hard packed and completely dry . Giving every indication that the hole had actually been there for a long , long time . As I started moving loose grass clippings out of the way a drop of sweat slipped off of my brow and fell into the hole . There , beneath the warm June sky something began shining out of its depth . At first I thought it might be a quarter or some small piece of glass or stone reflecting off the hot summer sun . Instead , it turned out to be nothing material at all . It was a beam of light . A light shining out from somewhere within the hole . It was almost as if someone was on the other side of the hole shining a flashlight outward and into my eyes . A lump began to develop in my throat and I actually felt my heart skip a beat . I 'll be honest with you here . I seriously gave consideration to making a run for it . Something about this whole thing just didn 't seem right . But instead of running , I decided to do what only a fool would do . I laid down flat on my stomach and peered my eye right inside that cantankerous hole . What I felt when I first looked into the hole was reminiscent of a pirate who had been lost at sea for months . A pirate who would spend most of the day peeping through his spyglass in a vain search to find land but only finding endless sea . Until one day , just as he 's about to run out of food and water , he discovers the thing he had been searching for . The only thing that mattered . As I looked down into the hole I could see a white - colored , cloudy canvas . Like I was flying through a sea of cumulus clouds , with edges clean and soft . A canvas whose brightness covered the entire spectrum of my senses and then ; as if on cue , having already known of my intentions to see what lied beyond , the canvas of clouds quickly parted into some dream - state dimension From a third - person perspective I saw myself in this surreal state just as clear as day . Only it wasn 't the forty - five year old me I saw . Instead , it was a much younger version of me , no more than twenty - one . For all intents and purposes , it felt like the year 1990 . Like watching some old home movie , but in the highest of definition . One where every nuance of every movement was noticeable - the sights , the sounds , the feeling . From that moment , I realized I no longer wanted to just look into the light inside of the hole . Instead , I wanted to become a part of it . I watched from above as this younger version of me stood somberly next to his idling , green , 1976 Chevrolet Vega wagon . A dark brown suitcase sat next to the car as it sputtered in and out of stalling . I was certain that it wouldn 't be long into my trip before the car would leave me sitting on the side of the road . A young , attractive woman slowly approaches the vehicle . She had fair skin , a creamy complexion and the familiar long brown hair that ran down beneath her shoulders . With deep blue eyes that breathed a life in me that I 've never felt before nor ever will again . She wore the blue denim jacket her parents had bought for her in high school , with matching jeans and scuffed up Chuck Taylor 's that have seen a lot of miles from the long walks we had taken together over the last two years . The smile she had that could light up a room was now replaced with sadness . I knew going in this was not going to be easy . " Yes . Enough to get me through to Scranton . " I said . Of course , I was lying . As Christine already knew from our many journeys in the beat - up old wagon , the Vega constantly burned oil and overheated . I figured I might only make it as far as Allentown before I 'd have to stop . " Uh - huh . Got the final papers from the bursar 's office yesterday . It 's all done . Turned in my keys to the resident advisor this morning , gassed up the car and here we are . " " You know , you don 't have to do this . " Christine said solemnly . " Can 't you at least stay until the end of the semester and see what happens ? " " I can 't . " I said . " You know I 've waited a long time for my music to take off . This gig up north promises shows for the next three months . Good pay too . Mike our drummer even says that it may lead us to a showcase in New York City if we 're good enough . " " Change it ? " my conscience said . Could I really sacrifice these last twenty - five years ? Is it possible to get a second chance in this life ? It 's true . I did turn my back on college and Christine [ who was already halfway through her second year of pre - med ] in exchange for a chance to become the guitarist for Silent Rage - the next great hair metal band . But instead of staying in school to get my teaching degree , marrying Christine and living happily every after , I took my beat - up Fender Strat on the road for two years performing to semi - packed crowds before the advent of grunge destroyed me and nearly every other 80 's hard rock band that existed and ended my musical dream . During those ensuing years Christine and I fell out of touch . I don 't know if she ever did become that doctor but I am sure that her end result was better than mine . I did try looking her up on Facebook and LinkedIn after my battle with cancer [ being face to face with death has a tendency to make you want to tie up loose ends ] but came up empty - handed . " This isn 't that movie , ' Groundhog Day ' . " my conscience told me . " No one can really go back . You only get one life and the trick is to make the most of it . " Sure , grunge was a setback . And I know that if I had been made that decision back in 1987 instead of 1990 things might have been completely different . But age , health , relationships , job - hopping and even that little drinking episode I had that led to a night in the drunk tank were all setbacks . But none of those things really destroyed me . They only made me who I am I looked at the frozen Christine . I looked at the frozen twenty - one year old me . I looked at the idling Vega that would wind up stalling out halfway to Pottstown , leaving me stranded on the side of Route 100 for two hours . Until a friendly trucker came by and offered me a lift into town where we talked about music and The Gulf War over a six - pack of Coors Light . What happened next I can 't explain . It was as if the dream sequence I had become immersed in had suddenly become a puddle and a huge omnipotent hand had disturbed the still water . I saw Christine and the Vega and the young me ripple away into darkness while the real me drifted off into another stream of consciousness . I woke up lying face down next to the hole on a warm bed of freshly cut grass . As I was pulling myself up off the ground I noticed that the sun had already begun its soft descent into the deep western sky . I smiled . The light and hole that once seemed so painfully intrusive to me was now gone and in its place was a breach that no longer seemed like it was the end of the world . Growing up with aspirations of becoming an artist Lobert 's personal testimony of sex , drugs and violence is at times tragic , often reaching the lowest of lows . But in the end Lobert discovers that the love she longed for was with her all the time . And her new found peace has given her the strength to help others overcome their own personal demons . Those were all my aspirations and the things I wanted to do when I was growing up , but I had also come from a very hard childhood . My father was an alcoholic and was very demanding and ruled with an iron fist . We were raised in a strict military family and my father never let go of that mindset while we were growing up . He never gave me the attention I longed for and as a result I became very needy and insecure . When I reached high school I started noticing that boys were looking at me - and I liked the attention . I thought that if I could get attention from men then I would be happy . So I sowed my oats , went out into the world and did a lot of underage drinking . After high school I had the idea of going to college and becoming a smart corporate businesswoman while learning about music on the side . Instead , I ended up going to the nightclubs on Tuesdays and Thursdays with my friend and met these guys who eventually became our sex traffickers . Hustling men out of money was something I thought I was made for . I was making $ 500 - $ 1000 an hour and thought I 'd be set for life . I eventually began working for escort services and at strip clubs . It turned into a culture and a lifestyle . I met a man at a club I was working in one night who I thought was my knight in shining armor . He was a drug dealer who took me to Las Vegas and one night when I came home from " work " proceeded to tell me to give him all of my money and then beat the crap out me . From that moment on he told me he was my pimp and I was his working girl and that I had to do whatever he asked me to do . Then he told me how sorry he was to have to do what he did and that he loved me and how he only did it to teach me a lesson . The craziest part of the whole thing was that even though I was shocked at getting beaten , I was still in love with him . I just fell into it and that 's how I became a sex trafficking victim . Did anyone at any point ever offer you any help ? I met a lot of men who actually wanted to help me . One of them would always say , " Annie , you are destroying yourself ! " He helped get me out of the industry and off drugs . We had a great partnership and even started a business together in Las Vegas . But our business eventually failed and I decided to go back to the only thing I knew would keep me going . Every day became a ritual . It was always get up , get high and go turn a trick . I knew better but felt comfortable about doing it because I was in so much pain mentally , physically and emotionally . I knew that no one just wakes up one morning and says , " Hey ! I 'm going to be a pimp or a prostitute ! " But the truth was , I had been in the industry for 16 years an was now in my thirties and had thrown away all of the respect I had for my body and for myself . The pimps in my life had taken everything from me and broke me down . I thought it was over . At what point did you hit rock bottom ? It took years for it to happen . I had never taken heavy drugs before but the first time I tried cocaine I became completely addicted . One night I was doing a lot it and wound up overdosing . It felt like a knife had gone through my chest and was stabbing me over and over . That 's when I had a heart attack and near death experience . I could actually see my coffin and watched my body float away into a dark place . And that 's when something in me cried out . I had gone to church when I was a young girl so I already knew who Jesus was and for a moment I was no longer that person in the wilderness crying out for help because there was a wolf . I just said , " Jesus , help me ! I 'm going to die ! " I wound up being taken to the hospital and remember as I was lying there being treated the doctor came up to me and told me that it was a miracle I wasn 't dead . He said , " God must have been with you . " It really clicked in my head that God had heard my prayer - and that 's where my journey started . From that day I pretty much stopped everything and started getting my life back together . I had woken up to the fact that I had been forgiven and it was a great epiphany to know that I was still loved . After everything I had done there was one person who still welcomed and accepted me - and his name is Jesus . I was so thankful that I was taken out of such a dark place that I wanted to give that same wonderful life change to another human being that was in the same place I was in . That 's what started Hookers For Jesus and basically it 's this : " We fish for people who are drowning . " Matthew 4 : 19 . What made you decide to write this book ? I 've wanted to write a book for years about my story . What started out as one sheet of paper soon turned into a rough draft . By the time I had most of it written I had gone through five editors and also gotten the help from a ghostwriter named AJ Gregory . It 's been quite a journey . I want to let people know that no matter how far they 've fallen their life actually means something and they can always get back on track . The truth is you don 't have to have been a prostitute or a victim of sex trafficking to understand what I 've been through . When you fall , there are people out there who can pick you up as well as a higher power and greater source . All you have to do is reach out to them . The best way to receive help is to first realize that we can 't do everything on our own . I grew up in Iowa with a family full of outdoors men . During my senior year in high school , my Grandpa was sitting up in a tree stand when it suddenly gave out . He fell fifteen feet and broke all of the vertebrae in his neck and back ; completely shattering his spine . While he was in the hospital being treated my mom , grandma and aunt would all take turns staying either in his room or in the hospital waiting room . I remember they would be there for days on end and I got to see firsthand how draining it was for them to be in that environment and not have any break or an oasis to get away from it . I had originally intended to be a journalism major but that experience shifted my focus to non - profit work . I had two great internships while I was in college and fell in love with it . Our mission is to serve the families of seriously ill children in central Ohio and we create , find and support programs that do just that . When a family checks in , we don 't ask them to pay anything . That means we have a large gap that we have to makeup through fundraising . People may already know what the Ronald McDonald House is , but we also have a number of other things - including the Ronald McDonald Care Mobile which is basically a traveling , pediatric doctor 's office that goes around and visits kids who may not be able to get access to healthcare otherwise . It travels north to Mansfield all the way down to southern Ohio . What 's a typical day like for you ? Well , there is no " typical " day in a non - profit setting [ laughs ] . We get to wear many different hats . I remember one Saturday I was here and we were all unloading head boards . We don 't hire anyone to do it for us . We do all of the work ourselves . So one day I might be meeting with a family to talk about their experience at RMH and the next day , I might be moving furniture or reupholstering chairs . My main focus here though is being the Marketing and Communications Coordinator . I do all of our social media as well as all of internal and external communications . I also work directly with families to tell a story each month for our electronic newsletter . I 'll work with our Family Services department to find a family who would be willing to talk about their experience and then tie it back to everyone who helps give their time , money and effort to the Ronald McDonald House . Currently , we have 80 guest rooms and have just added a 42 - room expansion . With 122 rooms , it makes us the largest Ronald McDonald House in the world . It 's really exciting . In addition to the rooms , we 've also added things like a roof - top garden and a salon area . We have lots of common spaces for families to spend their time together and keep their lives as normal as possible in not so normal circumstances . We 'll be having a Community Open House on Sunday , Sept 14th from 1 - 4pm . We want to use this opportunity to thank people for all of their support and want them to feel like they 're a part of the project as well . There are a number of ways you can get involved . When you visit our website you 'll find a tab there that says " How You Can Help " . It can be anything from volunteering regularly to making a meal or even collecting pop tabs . One of the things people might not be aware of is that we rely 100 % on donations from the community . We also have a very small staff , so in order to keep our facility running we have volunteers that are here from 9am - 9pm every day of the week . Our volunteers also help us save money . As an example , since we don 't have a hired cleaning staff , our volunteers are the ones who keep our house spotless . It 's because of their hard work that we 're able to save over a million dollars a year . There are so many great stories that are told every day here at the Ronald McDonald House . I love the mission and how no one is ever asked to pay . It 's an amazing service provided to the community . One where the only thing the family has to be concerned about is helping their child heal . They don 't need to focus on anything else . Only on what 's important . For more information on Charlene : I actually started writing the book about five years ago and knew even before then that I wanted to write one . In a way , I wrote it out of sympathy for George . A lot of bad publicity had come out about him over the years . People have this picture of George being a drunken musician and a bar room brawler , but that wasn 't George at all . And although I wont deny that he did do some rough stuff , there were so many good things he did during his life that people never really knew about . He had such a good heart and was so good to people . Charlene : I knew about George 's childhood almost as if I had lived it with him . Only because I had heard him tell me about it so many times . He would always talk about things like his mother cooking and how wonderful it smelled . Or how he really missed things like listening to the wind whistling through the tall pines in the big thickets . A lot has been said over the years about George and Tammy Wynette 's marriage and their fights . Most of it tabloid fodder . Was a lot of their disputes over domestic issues ? Peanutt : Many of their fights had nothing to do with domestic issues . Sometimes , if Tammy would get a bigger royalty check or one of her songs went higher in the charts than George 's it would aggravate him [ laughs ] . Even though they were both making money together , he often didn 't look at it that way . Charlene : The time he shot at Peanutt was probably the lowest I had ever seen him . At the time , he was terribly addicted to cocaine . All the years that we had spent with him , he suddenly became a man that we did not know . He got paranoid and didn 't know who to trust . He didn 't even trust himself . Peanutt : One day George came by and asked me if I could help write on this song he had . Then he played me a demo tape of " He Stopped Loving Her Today " . I told him that I couldn 't write on that song without getting permission . Then he said , " Well , to me it doesn 't sound like it 's finished . " So the two of us went out to eat to talk about it some more and at the time he was so messed up that he was dropping food on the table and would even lap his food off the table like a dog . That 's when I knew I had to do something . A few days later , I went down to the judge and told him that George was in danger of hurting someone or himself . The judge eventually had George committed for thirty days and I think that was the beginning of really helping him come out of his problems . But I 'll never forget those days when he would try to get me to help him write on that song . Looking back now , I probably should have called up Bobby Braddock and Curly Putman [ " He Stopped Loving Her Today " songwriters ] and asked to help them with it ! [ laughs ] . Peanutt : I remember one time George was up in New York for a week or so and when he came back he said to me , " Peanutt ? Old George is gonna be a hard act to follow ! " I said , " George , that 's a good title for a song ! " At the time , George had a little concert piano in his living room . We both went in and started banging on it and wrote " A Hard Act To Follow " . That was the song on the b - side of " He Stopped Loving Her Today " . Charlene : The thing that usually stands out is that George was a drinker , but he was also a common man who could relate to common people . I would like people to remember that George had a good heart . Peanutt : I always put the spiritual world in with our lives . I claimed George Jones years ago and told him that he was going to be a Christian and was going to go to Heaven to be with God and all the rest of us one day . George would often question God , wondering how God could permit little children to be born crippled or people to grow old and be mistreated . I told him , " George , we don 't know the answers to all of that , but just believe in the Lord . " There 's an old saying in psychology that says there 's something called a self - fulfilling prophecy . That if you say something over and over and believe it enough , it can come true . Be positive and look at the good side of life , even in the bad . I really believe that because I heard that on his death - bed , George accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior . Charlene : If there 's one thing that George Jones taught me that was of great value , it happened back in the 1960 's . He was mad at Jimmy Peppers , who was a songwriter he was working with . I remember he said , " I don 't ever want to speak to that boy again ! ! Our friendship 's over ! ! " Then a few weeks later I saw George laughing and cutting it up again with Jimmy Peppers . I took him off to the side and said " Hey , I thought you said you didn 't want to have nothing to do with Jimmy Peppers ? " He said , " Well Charlene … you can 't ever hold a grudge ! " So whenever I get into a situation like that , I always go back to the advice he gave me that day . It was way back when I first met George Jones , and I 've never forgotten it . I had a lot to say and also felt the need to do it in terms of it being therapeutic and healing for me . People have also had lots of question marks over the years and wanted to know things . I thought the best thing to do would be to deal with all of it in a book and tell everyone the story . Joey Parker was at a crossroads in his life . Growing up in a very conservative town in Idaho , he often struggled with his own personal identity and relationships as well as with college and his purpose in life . It wasn 't until a trip to Africa that Joey was able to find his true calling . A passion to make a difference in the world that would result in the creation of an entire movement . Joey 's first book , The Joey Parker Movement : Against All Odds is an insightful collection of personal stories offering today 's youth encouragement in overcoming life 's obstacles . From dealing with anxiety to coping with heartache and death , the book is a primer for building a better perspective and world . With celebrity contributions from the likes of Denise Richards , Lisa Rinna , Kristin Cavallari and even a foreword by Paris Hilton , Joey 's book is a story of one man 's dream for the future and a how - to guide for living a better life . I always thought my story was unique and interesting and the idea of writing a book was something that was always on my bucket list . About two years ago , I reached out to a publishing company that was following me on Twitter and about a week or so later we had a conference call . They loved the idea and concept for it and the process began . What was the writing process like for you ? I 've never done anything like this before so I spent a lot of time writing at night , writing in coffee shops and going back and forth with my editors . It was a learning process , but such an amazing project to work on . In the book I talk about many different subjects that were tough for me to go through . I think it will really help other people come into their own as well . Paris has such a unique voice . A lot of people tend to see her through a different lens ( i . e . tabloids ) , but she 's a smart entrepreneur who 's grown such an incredible business empire . She 's a fascinating person in pop culture and there 's a lot of pop culture throughout the book . I really wanted to add her voice to the foreword . It was during a time when I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life and figuring out who I was as an individual . I decided that one of the things I wanted to do was go on a really big trip , so I went to Africa . While I was there I saw a whole other side of the world I never thought I would get to see . When I came back I knew I wanted to do something . I just wasn 't sure what it was . I decided to start blogging and writing about the positive side of pop culture . I began writing articles , Tweeting and reaching out to celebrities for interviews . I wanted to show a different side of Hollywood . The positive side . There 's so much negativity out there and people just tearing each other down . I want to embrace the good . That 's where the theme of my website and book came about . I am disappointed in the lack of compassion that so many politicians around the United States have when it comes to LGBT rights . I was just at a hearing in Boise , Idaho where I was able to talk with protestors who were urging Idaho politicians to " Add The Words " to the Idaho Human Rights Act ( adding " sexual orientation " and " gender identity " ) . For months , activists went to the capital to protest yet politicians throughout Idaho once again ignored the people . After my visit to Boise , three LGBT teens committed suicide . The time is now to speak up , and politicians need to wake up . We must begin to pass laws that protect our people . The youth of our country need support and I hope through my book the younger generation can find some extra hope that boosts them forward . How passionate our generation is . I believe we are a unique generation that is ready to push toward a positive future . We truly are ready to make a difference . We are sick of the cycle we have seen in the past and are ready to take it into our own hands . We are vibrant go - getters ready to take on the obstacles we have ahead and pave our own ways . I don 't wish there were more hours in the day , but I could certainly use a few more of them at night . Up and at ' Em . # GoodMorning 1 day ago Styx released their 1st new album in 14 yrs yesterday . Check out my @ GuitarWorld interview with Tommy Shaw / JY Young : guitarworld . com / artist - news / st … 5 days ago Finally up with @ MichaelStaertow tonight @ pennspeak for @ GrammLou . Phenomenal guitarist and a really cool guy . … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 5 days ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Seminary is a program to help students in high school develop their testimonies of their Savior . The students study a different book of scripture every year . Old Testament , New Testament , Book of Mormon , and Doctrine in Covenants each are focused on during one year of high school . The time when students attend seminary differs . In areas where there are a high percentage of Mormons ( members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints ) , release - time seminary can be held during school as a free period . This is how I experienced seminary . This time for seminary is usually seen in places like Utah , Idaho , and some parts of Arizona . Going to seminary wasn 't much of a sacrifice for me . It was nice to be able to have a break from school and feel the spirit , but it was held in a building across the street from my high school within easy walking distance . It didn 't really take much effort to go there . However , for those young members of the church who live in an area with many people who aren 't members of the church , they are asked to attend what is called early - morning seminary . Usually this is around 5 - 6 in the morning . I have many cousins and friends who experienced this kind of seminary . I am very impressed with their dedication in attending these meetings . Anyone who has high school students knows how hard it is to wake most of them up . I was no exception . I slept until the very last possible moment , and then bolted to school . ( It helped that the school was in walking distance of my house as well . ) I think it is pretty amazing that so many young people ( and their parents ) sacrifice sleep in order to go and talk about scriptures super early in the morning . For me , it wasn 't really a sacrifice . I love seminary , and I loved learning the scripture stories and about my Savior . I think for those kids who have to get up early , they do it for the same reasons , and maybe they don 't view it as a sacrifice either . Some of the most powerful spiritual moments of my younger life occurred while I was in seminary . I had teachers that encouraged us to ask questions , pray about the gospel , and read the scriptures . While I was in seminary , I never missed a day of scripture reading . It was amazing to hear the testimonies of other young people my own age who were going through similar things that I was going through . Seminary is a good introduction to the gospel . Youth are faced with constant moral dilemmas , and it is easy for them to feel confused and powerless . Sometimes , that little bit of light in the morning ( or during the day ) can really bring a spirit of peace . I am grateful for my experiences in seminary , the scriptures that I memorized , and the things that I learned . They had some cheesy videos , but that was kind of fun too . Those videos often helped to emphasize important points of doctrine . We woke up fairly early with the intention of leaving by 8 : 00 a . m . However , we found it difficult to depart . It was hard to leave behind Grig 's family . We packed up everything , and as Grig was walking back around his house , a thought came to him . He told me , " As I was walking around the house , I had a thought . It said , ' Maybe there 's a ring - necked snake under those cinder blocks . ' " He had been wanting to show Kevin and I a ring - necked snake since we got to Virginia . He decided to follow the prompting , and sure enough , there was a snake there . He caught it and brought it to show Kevin and I . This may seem like a strange thing for the Lord to prompt him with , but I have often found that the Lord gives us tender mercies . We find these little promptings as miraculous as anything else that the Lord has done for us , and we are very grateful . I joked with Grig that his grandpa had stolen him so that we couldn 't leave . However , as we finished loading the car , Kevin and his grandpa showed up . To my surprise , Kevin 's face and hand were covered in purple . His grandpa laughed and told us that they had found a mulberry tree and Kevin had thoroughly enjoyed the mulberries . He hadn 't wanted to leave the tree . He looked awesome , so I took a picture of him and his grandpa . Then , Kevin got to see the snake that his dad had found for him , and he loved it . He likes our snake back at home , so he kept making hissing noises and pointing at it . Kevin and his grandma found a five - leaf clover just before we left , so she gave it to us for good luck . They also presented a GPS to us . That 's was really nice of them , and we were excited to use it on our return trip . A couple days previous , Grig 's dad had also noticed that one of our front headlights was out , so we had replaced that the day before . We were grateful that the headlight was the only thing that had broken thus far on our trip . We briefly stopped in Buena Vista , VA where Grig had gone to college at one point . He gave us a tour of the facilities , which was pleasant except for the fact that it was really , really hot and humid . Kevin enjoyed running around ( he had just woken up from a nap ) . Then , we drove a few more hours and made it to my sister 's home . As we were driving , we found out that our A / C converter wasn 't working ( we had been using it to power our laptops ) . We tried to get it out and found out that it was stuck . Then , it was up to good old ingenuity to keep Kevin entertained for the next few days . We stayed up talking , and then my sister and her husband invited us to go with them to a national park that was just a few minutes away in the morning . We decided it would be pretty sad to come visit and not do anything with them . I reasoned that we only had a 12 and 1 / 2 hour drive ahead of us the next day , so if we left a little later , it would be okay . ( The day after we had a 16 and 1 / 2 hour drive ) . We got up pretty early to go with my sister and Kevin 's cousin to the park . We left about 8 : 00 and drove through a tunnel that went all the way through a mountain . That was pretty neat . Then , we drove up a sharply curved road that brought us to a top of a mountain that borders Virginia , Tennessee , and Kentucky . At the pinnacle at the top , you could see all three states . That was pretty neat . We also found some great rocks for climbing . Grig and I took turns climbing rocks and helping my sister watch the two little toddlers . They were so happy to be together . They held hands as we walked down the trail and kept hugging and kissing . Grig came running . We tried to catch it for a few minutes , and then I gave up to go and look at the scenery . However , Grig was determined . He kept trying and finally he decided to pray for help . As he kneeled down to pray , he was reminded that he had a lot to be thankful for as well . He began thanking the Lord for all the many things that He had given us on our trip . Then , he brought his prayer to a close and stood up . He didn 't see the lizard , and after looking for a minute , he turned to go . Out of the corner of his eye , he spotted the lizard underneath a fence rail ( it was a fence lizard , after all ) . He couldn 't get it out with his bare hands , so after a moment he decided to get a stick and gently prod it out into the open . It came in slowly , and got to where he knew he could grab it . He hesitated for just a minute , but then he made a grab . He got it ! We felt like that was an answer to his prayer and another tender mercy . We thanked the Lord and admired the lizard for a few minutes , and then let it go . We really enjoyed our outing . However , we had another major surprise ahead of us . As we went to plug in our destination on the GPS , it informed us that it was a 16 and 1 / 2 hour drive to Nebraska . I was sure that wasn 't right , so we drove back toward my sister 's house , hoping that the GPS would figure out where we were and tell us the correct time . However , the amount wasn 't changing , and soon we checked our google directions that we had printed off . It turned out the GPS was correct , and I had remembered incorrectly . If we kept to our travel plans , we wouldn 't get to my aunt and uncle 's until 5 : 00 in the morning ( with stops for gas and stuff ) . We decided we could do it , but it would be tough . About that time , Grig 's coworker sent him a text and asked where we were . We told him we were in Kentucky , and he was surprised . He told Grig he was due back in for work the next day ( Friday ) . Grig 's work day is only supposed to be Monday through Friday right now , so we hadn 't asked for those days off . We were concerned . We asked if they were scheduled to work the next day , and his coworker told us yes , because they were behind . We quickly said a prayer asking the Lord to help Grig not to have work the next day . We didn 't want him to be penalized for calling in absent . In less than ten minutes , we got our answer . His coworker called us back and told us that there wouldn 't be work Friday OR Monday because they didn 't have parts . That was a direct answer to prayer , and we were so grateful . With that extra day we had been given in mind , we informed everyone of our intentions and late arrival time . Instantly we began to get phone calls and messages from people who were really worried about that . Grig 's parents called and offered to buy us a hotel for the night , because they didn 't want us to die . After praying and talking about it , we decided to stop half - way and take them up on their offer . We continued traveling until we reached St . Louis , Missouri . We tried to get on the Martin Luther King Bridge , but as we took the exit for it , we found ourselves stopped in a traffic jam . We waited for a few minutes and watched cars begin to go backward down the on - ramp . We knew that was illegal , but it started to look awfully tempting after a while . Grig wanted to walk up the line of cars and see what was going on . I was worried he 'd get shot . We finally compromised with him taking his phone ( so he could call me if he got shot ) and he went for a walk . We were very grateful now that we 'd decided to stop for the night . We didn 't know when we 'd get moving again . He came back with discouraging news . He said that there was a bad accident ahead , and the other drivers didn 't think we 'd be able to move for two or three hours . He also found some spare change . So , we did . Midway during our prayer , the traffic in the far distance began to move , and by the time he finished , we began to crawl forward slowly . We knew that was another direct answer to prayer . Soon after , we stopped in Warrenton , Missouri at America 's Best Value Inn . We had a very pleasant , relaxing night . We ate the free breakfast in the morning and then drove off for Nebraska . After a while on the road , I saw a sign for an Amish Buffet . That sounded fantastic ! Amish food is delicious , and I begged Grig to stop for it . He conceded , but we decided if it was too far off the road we would continue on our way . We stopped for gas , and then drove a little further . After about five miles , we didn 't see any sign of it , so we decided to go back . We flipped a U - turn at the next traffic light , and a moment later we saw flashing lights appear in our rear - view mirror . Uh - oh . We pulled over , and the police officer came to my window . We asked him if we weren 't supposed to turn a U - turn there , and he told us that yes , it was illegal . He asked us where we were going , and I told him " Nebraska . " He asked where we were from , and Grig told him Utah . He said , " You 're from Utah and you 're going to Nebraska ? " We explained that that was our stopping point for the night . He seemed very reasonable and he asked us if we were lost . We told him that we had been intending to go to the Amish restaurant , but it had been further off the highway then we wanted , and so we had decided to go back . He checked our documents , and let us go with a warning . He was very kind , and we felt like that was another blessing from the Lord . We got back on our way and quickly found the highway . The rest of our trip passed fairly uneventfully , though we did stop at a fun rest stop in Nebraska that had some rocks we could climb on . We were tempted to stop at the dinosaur museum again , but we finally decided not on this trip . Maybe next year . We reached our destination in good time and played some games with my aunt , uncle , and cousins . We were going to go fishing , but it began to storm and we decided to have ice cream cones instead . It was a pretty relaxing day . This was our 12 and 1 / 2 hour drive . We left pretty early , and stopped at Wal - mart to refill our snacks . We decided to try and free our A / C converter one more time while we were there . We prayed , and to our surprise , it popped right out . We bought a new one to replace it , and were able to play some movies ( mostly Rescuers Down Under three times ) for Kevin during this long drive . We stopped at a fun rest stop just after we entered Wyoming . It had an archaeological dig site , and some fun trails . Grig and Kevin found some rocks to climb on . I had a pretty severe allergy attack ( resulting in asthma ) while we were exploring the archaeological site , and so we had to leave and go back to the car . I took my inhaler and was fine . The rest of the drive was okay , though as we reached Jackson Hole , Wyoming the sunset was absolutely stunning ! It wasn 't until the last 40 minutes that Kevin finally lost it . He began to scream and nothing would stop it . Finally , Grig ( who doesn 't like this movie at all ) turned on Spirit : Stallion of the Cimarron . That calmed Kevin down enough for him to relax until we reached my parent 's home in Idaho . We got there about 11 : 15 p . m . We were tired and glad to be only three hours away from our home . We talked for a few minutes , but we were ready for bed , and my dad had early morning meetings . So , we said hello to Dakota and then went to sleep . We ended up staying at my parents all day Sunday . We went to church with them at 9 : 30 a . m . , and then had a nap that afternoon . That evening we went to a dual birthday party for some of my cousins , and Kevin got to play with his other cousins for a bit . Monday , June 23rd , we made what seemed like a really short trip back to our apartment in Utah . It was so nice to be home . We put things away , relaxed for a few hours , and then we celebrated my grandma 's birthday with her that night at a park . Grig had work the next morning , so we tried to go to bed pretty quickly . That 's the end of our trip . Dakota is happy to be back home , and Oryx ( our snake ) is his usual stoic self ( meaning that we don 't have a clue what he 's thinking ) . They both look fantastic . We are grateful that we saw so many miracles , that we had enough money for this trip , and that our car had very few problems . Thank you for your prayers for us while we were traveling . We definitely felt their power . We love you all and are glad to be back home ! Grig was really nice and let me sleep in . He took Kevin out when he woke up , and I got to sleep in for the first time on our trip . It was wonderful ! I felt a lot better after that . I had been getting up at 7 : 30ish ( which is 5 : 30ish normal time for us ) . So , I woke up and then we got ready for church at 1 : 00 p . m . Knowing that we would be stopping by Grig 's grandpa 's grave and his grandma 's house after church , I made sure that I grabbed the camera . It was fun to go to Grig 's ward and meet a lot of his friends from his youth . Kevin fell asleep during Sacrament Meeting , and then I let his grandma hold him for the rest of the meeting . She took the sleeping baby to Young Women 's with her , and we had an excellent couple of lessons in the next to classes . When Grig went to pick up Kevin , he found him awake and surrounded by teen - aged girls . I think he was a big hit . After church we drove to Grig 's grandma 's house , and to my horror I discovered that though I brought the camera , I hadn 't grabbed its battery out of its charger , so we don 't have any pictures to show , but we still had a good time talking to Kevin 's great - grandma . After we visited for a while ( and she fed us excellent strawberry shortcake on lemon cake ) , we went to the cemetery and visited the grave of her husband . Neither Kevin nor I have ever met his grandpa , but it was fun to listen to Grig 's Utah sister , brother , and he tell stories about things that they remembered . We went home and made another campfire . We didn 't stay up as late this time though , because we had to get up early in the morning to go to the beach again . ( Thus we never managed to go swimming in their creek or river . The river was always too high when we wanted to go anyway . ) This was now Monday , July 16 . We got up pretty early and while Grig 's mom and dad were getting the van , we got all the stuff ready to go to the beach . We left about 10 : 30 and went to Richmond to pick up Grig 's sister so she could come with us ( she had work off until Wednesday ) . That was fantastic , because now all of Grig 's family was with us except for Havelock who wasn 't able to come due to work . We made it to Virginia Beach about 2 : 00 , and there we split into two groups . The first group ( including us ) went to the aquarium they have there , while the other group went straight to the beach . Right after Grig and I were married , we went to this aquarium and I love it ! They have a shallow pool where you can touch clipped stingray . They are clipped so they don 't stick you and injure people . It doesn 't hurt them , it 's like clipping fingernails . They feel like wet baloney , and last time we had one sidling up to us to be touched like a friendly , slippery puppy . We were looking forward to Kevin seeing the rays . They were very cute . The aquarium also had a walk - in area where you were surrounded by fish on all sides , including above you . They had some pretty neat varieties of fish as well . As they swam over your head , it almost felt as though you were underwater . We had Grig 's mom with us , his sister and brother - in - law from Utah , and his other brother that will be coming to live with us soon . When we got to stingray petting pool , I got to touch the stingray , but they never came close enough to the surface for Kevin to touch them . However , he enjoyed getting wet , so he still had a good time . He also got to touch horseshoe crabs later , so that made up for it . Then , we went to the beach to meet the rest of our group and Grig 's aunt . I love the beach . I 've only been to it about four times in my life , so it is still very exciting for me . Counting Friday , this is Kevin 's second time at the beach . We took him out in the water for a while , but then he just wanted to play in the sand . Most of our pictures come from Grig 's mom who took pictures of him while we were out swimming . She was super excited to see Kevin again , and immediately she scooped him up and asked him to give her ' some sugah ' and planted a kiss on his cheek . He was content and began to point at things and ask " This ? " She ran him around the shop and said , " J has something for you . " She then handed him a little ball . We browsed the store while she made a big deal over him . A few minutes later , she came back with a cool little wood carving of a heron and said , " You should of seen him when we passed this ! His eyes lit up and he started whistling . " Then she had to hand Kevin back to me while she took care of some customers . When she finished , I asked , " Are you sure we can 't pay for this ? " So I subsided and then Kevin began to chew on the bird 's beak ( he 's been teething ) . J didn 't like that , so she got him a little rubber bracelet for him to chew on . She told me , " You put that bird on a shelf so he can have it when he gets older , okay ? " I agreed and Kevin happily chewed on the bracelet . We talked to her for a few more minutes , exchanged information , and went away with a few other things that we bought . After it turned dark , one half of our group headed home , while the other group stayed and hunted ghost crabs . The picture above is of a ghost crab that we found earlier in the day . It was a tiny one , but after dark we were able to find huge ones . However , we don 't have any pictures because my battery died about this time . One of them pinched me , and it hurt a little bit , but we still had a good time catching them and then letting them go . They scuttled around everywhere , and we chased them by the light of our flashlights . It was really neat . I was glad we stayed a little longer . We drove back while watching an electric storm in the sky . It was a really nice trip . This was the last full day in Virginia . Grig 's brother thought his flight to Utah wasn 't until the next morning , but half - way through the afternoon we found out that he was supposed to be there in an hour . He quickly scrambled to put the last of his luggage together , we took a quick family picture , and then Grig 's dad drove him to the airport . He missed his flight , but caught a later one and was able to make it . We went out and visited a few of Grig 's friends and spent time with family . Later , we chased fireflies and put them in a jar . I accidentally squished one a little bit so its light wouldn 't go out , which was nice for Kevin because then he could see it light up . I don 't think I irreparably damaged him , and then we later let them go again . We stayed up kind of late because Grig 's sister and brother - in - law were leaving in the middle of the night , but eventually I had to go to bed . We had a pretty long drive the next day and we wanted to leave fairly early . Tomorrow starts our return trip to Utah via Idaho ( to collect the dog and the snake ) . Thanks for taking this long journey with us ! Final part is up : Part 5 I forgot to add one event from day 6 . As I was walking Kevin around outside , we found a grey tree frog . Here 's a couple pictures : After our exciting day at Maymont Park , we decided we needed a down - day to spend with family . Grig was excited to show Kevin and me the woods around his house . His parents own quite a few acres , so we had a good time getting lost and then finding our way out again . As we started away from the house , we gained an entourage . Their two dogs and various cats trailed us as we made our way through the woods . It was kind of entertaining , because we 'd hear something crashing through the brush and it was just a couple of cats playing . Cat in a tree Grig explained the different types of trees and other shrubbery to me , and we had a great time . Eventually we found the creek that runs through their property to his driveway and Grig and Kevin went wading into a pool that formed in their creek . I was going to get in , but I was wearing my only pair of jeans . We decided to come back later to swim , but it never ended up happening for reasons that I will explain later . As we were walking back toward the house ( Kevin needed a nap ) , Kevin started pointing at trees and saying , " This ? " Grig would answer , " Tree ! " Kevin would then point at a different tree and ask , " This ? " This went on for quite a while until I tried to film it . Of course , then he stopped . It was very cute though . Once Grig 's sister and brother - in - law woke up ( they had flown in from Utah the night before ) , we spent some time with them . They didn 't get in until really early in the morning , so they didn 't wake up until we came back from the woods . Their flight had ended up being changed to a different flight when their first planes engines didn 't work . They arrived at a different airport and their luggage got lost along the way . That was very frustrating for them . This was now Friday , June 13 . We had been planning to go to the beach the day before , but as we contemplated the hour that Grig 's mom , sister , and brother - in - law would arrive , we decided to do it the next day instead . So , I woke up early and drove with Grig 's mom to rent a minivan so we could go to the beach together . Unfortunately , I found out that Grig 's youngest sister had spent the night throwing up , and so she and Grig 's mom would be staying behind . That was really sad news . Grig 's dad had to work for the day so he wouldn 't be able to come either . That was okay though . It was only going to take 3 hours to get there , so we should have arrived at 2 : 30 . Unfortunately , I had forgotten two important things . As we got onto a rather busy highway , the rain began to pour . I was the only one who could drive because I had gone to rent the vehicle with Grig 's mom , and so I got to experience driving in really heavy rain . It was rather exciting . We also were listening to the radio drama of Star Wars IV , so at least we were entertained for the long trip . The rain combined with the traffic made it so we didn 't get to Virginia Beach until 4 : 30 . We decided to try to go to the aquarium first . However , when we got there at 4 : 40 p . m . , it turned out that the ticket stand had closed ten minutes before . I was super frustrated at this point . Grig 's siblings had told me that we shouldn 't swim in the ocean after 5 because of sharks . We stopped and got something to eat . It was raining a little as we did so . We found a corner with several different restaurants and Grig and I went to McDonald 's while the rest of his siblings went to Wendy 's . While we were alone , I was almost in tears . It was a long trip for nothing and I wondered if we weren 't supposed to go to the beach today . I had really been looking forward to this , and it seemed like it was ruined . After we ate , we prayed for guidance and then we decided to just go to the beach and see what happened . Another miracle . The weather cleared right up as soon as we got to the bay . We were able to swim in the bay until it got dark and we all had a fantastic time . The group who went to the beach Friday . At one point , I was jumping at waving at Kevin on the beach . Grig got a fantastic idea as I was jumping . As I jumped , he ducked under the water and came up under me , sending me tumbling backward . The day 's trip was totally worth it . Once we got to the beach , we didn 't want to leave and we began talking about coming back on Monday . All the earlier frustration was forgotten and replaced by gratitude that the storm had cleared up so we could play . As it grew dark , we cleaned up and then went on a walkway to watch lightning in the distance . The only picture I got of the lightning As we got back in the car , the rain came pouring down . We were waiting for my brother - in - law and sister - in - law to return to the car , but they were taking their time . Finally we called my brother - in - law . He answered the phone and asked , " Is Kevin allowed to have suckers ? Can I buy him a sucker ? " I told him sure . It turned out they were in the gift shop . We decided to all go back in and take a look around at it . Meanwhile , the woman who owned the gift store told my brother - in - law that he couldn 't give a baby a blow - pop because it has gum in it . The woman at the counter , who we 'll call J , fell in love with Kevin . The instant we came in , the swooped over and said in a heavy southern accent , " Oh my goodness ! Aren 't you adorable ? J has something for you ! " Immediately , to my brother - in - law 's surprise , she handed Kevin a blow - pop . It was pretty funny . She then said , " He looks just like my babies ! Come with me , I have something else for you . " I followed her over to a bin full of small , stuffed toys . She pulled out a turtle and handed it to Kevin . I wasn 't sure if it was a gift , and I didn 't want to take advantage of J 's kindness , so I said , " We 'll have to see if we can buy that . " She shot me a ( friendly ) glare and said , " Don 't you dare ! This is a gift from J . You 're gonna name it J , aren 't you , honey ? " she said to Kevin . I agreed we would name the turtle after her . It was the least we could do . Kevin let her hold him and she told him to give her ' some sugah ' and gave him a big kiss on the cheek . She was absolutely delightful . We had a great time there and we were happy that we went in . We decided to buy a couple of things as well . Then , we piled back into the car and I drove home . It had been a fantastic day . Most people slept on the way home and Star Wars kept me company . We started off the day late ( we all slept in ) , and then we celebrated with a cake and a family cook - out . More extended family was going to come , but my sister - in - law was still sick , so they decided to stay away so they didn 't catch it . That was disappointing , but we still had a good time . We spent time talking and spending time together . As it began to grow dark , my brother - in - law and I went out and dug a firepit . Then we built a fire and we ended the day around it making and eating s ' mores . It was super relaxing . Nothing quite compares to talking around the campfire while fireflies shine around you in the darkness . One really neat thing that happened was that as we sat around the fire , we began to notice movement . A colony of wood ants evidently lived inside one of the logs . As we watched they tried to escape with their eggs from the burning log . It was kind of fascinating . I got some neat pictures . |
In the small town of Cedar bay , ghost sightings were common place . Families passed down stories of local haunts through the generations . Hardly anyone , whose family was rooted in the town , was unaware of the tales spun by the locals . The summer of nineteen ninety - three , when I was sixteen , I had decided to stay with my grandparents . My parents had been having some trouble in their marriage and it was my hope that if they had some time alone , they could rekindle their relationship and we could once more be the loving and caring family that we used to be . At the south end of town , far from the bustle of Main Street and the town 's many small family businesses , was an old reservoir and public park surrounded by huge cedar trees for which the town was so aptly named . The reservoir was a popular site for fishing , either along the banks , or , if you had a boat , near the damn where the water was deeper and the fish in greater supply . Those not interested in fishing could picnic in the park , or swim in the more shallow areas of the lake . As a teenager I loved to swim and I loved swimming at the reservoir because I found a private little cove that was shielded from the rest of the lake behind a bank of trees . Every morning after breakfast I would put on my swim suit , pack a small bag to take with me , hug my grandparent 's good - bye , and then head out for my private swimming hole . I 'd stay most of the day , eat a small lunch that I had packed , and then head back to the house before dinner . One afternoon while I was swimming , a teenage boy , and his younger brother spotted me as they were walking through the woods looking for arrowheads . They came over to the bank and called out to me . I was very shy back then , didn 't have many friends , and was a bit self conscious about anyone seeing me in my swim suit . I stayed in the water , hidden as best I could , hoping that the boys would think I couldn 't hear them and move on . The older boy stepped out onto an old log and called out to me again . " Hey , girl ! " He said , cupping his hands around his mouth . " What are you doing here ? " I moved in a little closer , bending my knees so that water concealed me up to my chin . " What does it look like I 'm doing ? " I answered him . He gave me an irritated look and dropped his hands to his sides . " I mean , what are you doing swimming here ? No one comes here . You 'd be better off swimming someplace closer to the park where people can see you . " " You should worry about yourself . " The boy said . " If old man Marshall finds you , it won 't matter how well you can swim . " The boy stepped off the log and motioned to his younger brother . " If I were you , I 'd get out of here before it gets dark . " He called out to me as he walked away . " That 's when old man Marshall comes out . " The boys left me with a bewildered feeling . Who was old man Marshall ? As far as I knew this part of the lake was town property so I couldn 't be accused of trespassing , and if this " old man Marshall " did show up how dangerous could he be ? Cedar bay was a quiet little town with a very low crime rate . Most of the residents knew each other and looked out for each other . If there was some crazy old man wandering the woods hurting kids I was sure that my grandparents would have warned me about him . I tried to dismiss the boys warning , figuring that they were just trying to scare me . As the afternoon faded away into early evening , uneasiness settled over me . Old man Marshall comes out when it gets dark . What was that supposed to mean , and who was old man Marshall ? It was getting late and I had to head back home anyway , my grandmother would have dinner ready soon and I wanted to help set the table . I swam to the bank and climbed out of the water . I dried myself off quickly , slipped my shorts on over my bathing suit , slid into my sandals , grabbed my bag , and hurried out of there . The sun was going down and my heart was racing . I had started walking at a fast pace which eventually broke into a panicked run . I was angry at that boy for scaring me so , and angry with myself for allowing it . My heart stopped racing when I reached the main road . In ten minutes I would be back safe and sound in my grandparent 's house eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes , and listening to my grandfather telling us how his day at work went . As anticipated , my grandmother was just getting the meatloaf out of the oven when I walked through the door . I tossed my bag on the floor next to the front door then went into the kitchen , grabbed the plates my grandmother had set out and proceeded to set the table . " Change out of that wet swim suit before we eat . " She told me . I nodded to her and then headed upstairs after I had finished setting the table . My grandfather was already at the table when I came back down stairs . My grandmother dished up his food from the stove and then set his plate down in front of him . I picked up my own plate so that I could serve myself like I normally always do . It 's customary in my family to dish your food out from the pans set on the stove top . That 's how my grandparents did its and had apparently passed onto my mother because it 's how we did it at home too . I sat down next to my grandfather and my grandmother took her seat across from him . He was already giving her a detailed account of how his day went . My grandfather was the foreman in a factory that he 's worked at since he graduated high school . He started out sweeping floors and over the years worked his way up the latter to where he was now . He told us about a new big order that they had gotten for car parts and how some of the workers were complaining about the over time they were going to have to do to fill the order in time . He went on talking about the goings on of the day but I wasn 't paying much attention to him . My mind went back to the two boys I had encountered and their warning about old man Marshall . I stabbed at my meatloaf as the conversation I 'd had with the teen played over and over again in my head . I didn 't even realize at first that my grandmother was addressing me . I looked up , almost in a daze . " Huh ? " I responded to her . I nodded as I stuffed a fork full of meatloaf into my mouth . " Ummhmm . " I mumbled through a mouth full of food . I swallowed then set my fork down . " I met a couple boys today . " I told her . " One was my age and I think the other one was his younger brother . They were in the woods near the spot I was swimming in . I didn 't even notice them at first until I heard the younger boy say something about finding arrowheads . " " I found quite a few of them in those words when I was a boy . " He said between bites . " There used to be an Indian village out by the reservoir . People have found a lot of old tools and arrowheads around that area . " " I don 't know , they didn 't tell me . " I looked down at my plate and considered whether or not I should bring up Old man Marshall . I didn 't want to seem silly being scared if it was just some made up story , but curiosity had gotten the better of me . " The older one did mention something strange though . He told me to watch out for some old guy that comes out at night . He didn 't explain what he meant but I figured he was just trying to scare me . You know how boys are . " My grandparent 's demeanor changed suddenly . A moment ago they were smiling , happy , maybe a little amused that their grand - daughter had met a boy . Now however , the smiles had faded from their faces as they looked at each other with a look between them that I can only describe as concern and maybe a touch of fear . " It 's just an old story dear . " I looked to my grandmother who had set her knife and fork down and folded her hands neatly in her lap as she often did when she was nervous about something . I could tell that she was trying to ease the tension in the room but I also saw the worry in her face . Whoever this old man was , he was bad news . I shrugged somewhat . " They were in the woods , near the cove I go swimming in . It 's secluded and on the other side of where people normally swim but far enough away that no boats are nearby . I like the privacy there ; it 's where I 've been swimming all summer . " Again my grandparents looked at each other . Their expressions sent chills down my spine . My grandfather cleared his throat then spoke again . " Is … is it near that old run down hunting shack ? " He asked me . I nodded slowly . " About fifteen or twenty feet away . " I estimated the distance but it sounded about right . You could see the roof of the old place through the trees from the water . My grandfather was quiet for a moment then he looked at me and his expression changed to one of more stern authority . " Elli , I don 't want you to swim there anymore . You can go to the lake , but stay close to the park , where the other kids swim . " " Young lady , " My grandfather started with young lady every time he wanted to make a very direct point . " Don 't argue with me on this . You 're not to go back to that cove again and that 's my final word on the matter . " I looked at my grandmother pleadingly . None of this made any sense to me . Who was this Old man Marshall and why were my grandparents so terrified oh him that they would restrict my swimming to open view of everyone in the park ? " We just want you some place where others can see you . " My grandfather said , " Just in case something we 're to happen . You know kids die from drowning every year , so it 's important that other people are around just in case . " I slouched down in my chair , pouting slightly . We didn 't speak of it again the rest of the night but I was curious now . I knew that their fears had something to do with the old man and I wanted to know what the deal was with him but I also knew that neither of them were about to tell me . After my shower before bed that I night I sat down in the spare bedroom that at one time was my mothers and now served as my room . My mother had lived in this house as a child , grew up here , and knew the town well . She met my dad while attending college and eventually moved to the city when they married , but until then she was here , she was a local . I picked up the phone suddenly and dialed home . It was almost ten at night but my parents normally didn 't go to bed until after eleven . The phone rang only four times and then my mom picked up . " Yeah , " I told her , " I 'm fine we 're all good . I 'm having a great time , doing a lot of swimming . Hey mom , I have a question for you . " The line was silent for a moment and then my mom finally spoke , softly and with a slight tremor in her voice . " Old man Marshall ? Where did you hear about him ? " " Well … " She started , " It 's an old story . Everyone in town knows about it . Old man Marshall was a fisherman back in the 1920 's . He lived in the hunting shack by the cove you were swimming in . He lost his wife a few years after their daughter Birdie was born and he struggled as a single father to care for her . They didn 't have a lot of money and he would be gone for days on end , sometimes even weeks , working to support his daughter . The story goes that while he was away on a fishing boat , Birdie who was left alone , went down to the cove one day . No one knows for sure if she slipped and fell into the water or if she was swimming , but she was very young and she drowned . It was summer and school was out so no one even knew anything was wrong until her father came home and saw that she was missing . He searched the woods for her all night , calling her name and eventually found her the next morning , floating face down in the water . People say that old man Marshall was so upset over his daughter 's death that the day after her funeral he went back down to the cove where he had found her body and shot himself , falling into the water as well . It 's not known for sure but people think that the gunshot wound wasn 't what actually killed him , that when he fell into the water he drowned , which might have been what he 'd planned all along . But , the story goes that at night during the summer you can hear him wandering the woods searching for Birdie . Some people have even claimed to have heard a gunshot right before a loud splash , but of course that 's all just made up stuff that kids tell around campfires to scare each other . No one ever swims there anymore though because they say if you swim there after dark that old man Marshall will pull you under and drown you as revenge for the town not checking on his daughter while he was away . " My mom laughed at how serious I was taking the story . " It 's just an old ghost story dear , an urban legend . There is no proof that old man Marshall or his daughter even existed , let alone died there . " I hung up the phone and got ready for bed though I doubted that I would sleep much that night . For a story that wasn 't real , my grandparents sure seemed to be worried about me swimming at the site of the alleged accident and suicide . It occurred to me that my mom could have lied to me to keep me from being scared but I wasn 't a child anymore , why would she not tell me the truth ? For the next week I did as my grandparents told me to and I stayed on the side of the lake near the park . I hated it though ; I felt exposed and self conscious . I always felt like everyone was watching me , possibly laughing at me . I was a little over weight for my age but I wasn 't horribly obese . Still I didn 't like wearing a swimming suit around other people and possibly getting disgusted looks from them . The last day of summer before I was to head back to the city , I went down to the reservoir for one last day of swimming and relaxing in the sun . There were so many people there , it was the weekend , and the lake was packed with other kids . I didn 't really know any of them but many of them were around my age and that made me more nervous to swim around them . I decided to pack it up for the day but I didn 't feel like going back to the house just yet . I was still curious about the story of the old man and the cove where supposedly his daughter had drowned . If there was any truth to the story then I figured that other kids had to have drowned there as well . The thought of me actually swimming in a place where people had died kind of creeped me out some but at the same time the idea of a haunted lake was exciting . I made up my mind that I was going back to the cove to look around . Part of me was scared that I might actually see the old man 's ghost while another part of me was hoping that I would . The woods around the cove seemed darker now , even though it was mid day . The entire place seemed a bit more gloomy . I 'd never noticed it before but there did seem to be a kind of sadness associated with the spot . I 'd always thought that it was just due to it being so isolated from the rest of the reservoir but I was starting to wonder now if maybe the spirits of those who died there were still hanging around . Maybe the little girl who lost her life there was wandering around for all eternity looking for her daddy , not knowing that he too had lost his life after she died . The secluded and isolated area didn 't feel as warm and inviting as it once had . Now that I knew the story , real or not , of what happened there , I couldn 't get it out of my mind . I decided to turn around and head back to my grandparents house when I caught sight of the old hunting cabin up in the woods . I realized that I was close to the cove now and for some reason , the idea of it sent chills up my spine . " You came back ? " A familiar voice caused me to turn and glance towards the water . The teenage boy I had seen a week ago was standing near a tree about four feet from me . His brother was sitting on the end of the log on the bank , his pant legs rolled up to his knees and his bare feet dangling in the water . " Actually , I was , but not for the reason you think . " I crossed my arms over my chest and stared back at him . " I asked my mom about that old man . She said it 's just an urban legend . All fake , so if you were trying to scare me , you failed . " " Humph . " The boy turned away from me . " Shows what you know . It 's not an urban legend , it 's all true . We know people who have actually seen him . " I put my hand on my hips and glared at him . Man this kid was really starting to make me angry . Did he think I was stupid ? " If any part of your story was real then there would be some evidence of someone actually being killed by this ghost guy , but since there isn 't any evidence of anyone being killed by him , it just proves that it 's a story and nothing more . " " But people have been killed by him . " This time it was the younger brother who spoke . This entire time he 's remained silent . I thought that he wasn 't paying attention to us but he was . He looked up at us with a serious expression on his young face and continued . " It happened in the fifties , a couple of kids were fishing , and one of them fell in the water . The other one tried to pull him out and that 's when old man Marshall grabbed them both and pulled them under , they both drowned . " I narrowed my eyes . " But you don 't know that it was old man Marshall . " I told him . " It 's just rumors fueled by a tragic accident , nothing more . " The older boy frowned . " Believe what you want . " He said to me , " But don 't say I didn 't warn you . If you get caught down here after sunset he will get you ! " Twenty years later I returned to Cedar Bay with my parents for my grandfather 's funeral . I 'd never attended a funeral there before so I 'd never had a reason to visit the funeral home and mortuary . It was a family business that had been there since the founding of the town in the late eighteen hundreds . After the service my parents , grandmother , and I were told to exit the viewing room through a hall way in the back of the home . A car was waiting out back that would take us to the internment so that we could arrive before anyone else . While walking down the hallway something caught my eye and I stopped to look at it . It was an old black and white photograph of two boys , one around twelve and the other a teenager , probably fifteen or sixteen . They were standing on a dock holding up a large fish that I assumed they had caught in the lake . The younger of the boys had denim pants on that were rolled up to his knees and his feet were bare . Suddenly that last summer came rushing back to me as recognition washed over me . I asked my grandmother if she knew who the two boys in the photograph were but she shook her head . " I 'm sorry dear ; I 've never seen them before . " Just then , the funeral home 's director joined us in the hallway . He looked at the photograph and frowned some . " That 's a sad story there . " He told us , " Those two boys , they were brothers , Charlie and James , my uncles . " " Died ! ? " I was shocked . There had to be some mistake here , how could the two brothers ' have died when I had spoken to them , twice ? " When did this happen ? " I asked . He thought for a moment and then nodded to himself as though confirming the answer to a question in his head . " It was nineteen fifty five I believe . My father told me that his two brothers had gone fishing one morning and when they didn 't return home his parents sent him down after them . He found them both in the cove on the wooded side of the lake ; they had both drowned . " I never told my parents or my grandmother that the two boys I had seen that summer were the two from the photograph . I was an adult now and not supposed to believe in such things but it was hard to dismiss the old stories as folklore now . Charlie and James had told me that two boys had been dragged to their deaths by old man Marshall , but now I knew that they were describing their own deaths . |
In the small town of Cedar bay , ghost sightings were common place . Families passed down stories of local haunts through the generations . Hardly anyone , whose family was rooted in the town , was unaware of the tales spun by the locals . The summer of nineteen ninety - three , when I was sixteen , I had decided to stay with my grandparents . My parents had been having some trouble in their marriage and it was my hope that if they had some time alone , they could rekindle their relationship and we could once more be the loving and caring family that we used to be . At the south end of town , far from the bustle of Main Street and the town 's many small family businesses , was an old reservoir and public park surrounded by huge cedar trees for which the town was so aptly named . The reservoir was a popular site for fishing , either along the banks , or , if you had a boat , near the damn where the water was deeper and the fish in greater supply . Those not interested in fishing could picnic in the park , or swim in the more shallow areas of the lake . As a teenager I loved to swim and I loved swimming at the reservoir because I found a private little cove that was shielded from the rest of the lake behind a bank of trees . Every morning after breakfast I would put on my swim suit , pack a small bag to take with me , hug my grandparent 's good - bye , and then head out for my private swimming hole . I 'd stay most of the day , eat a small lunch that I had packed , and then head back to the house before dinner . One afternoon while I was swimming , a teenage boy , and his younger brother spotted me as they were walking through the woods looking for arrowheads . They came over to the bank and called out to me . I was very shy back then , didn 't have many friends , and was a bit self conscious about anyone seeing me in my swim suit . I stayed in the water , hidden as best I could , hoping that the boys would think I couldn 't hear them and move on . The older boy stepped out onto an old log and called out to me again . " Hey , girl ! " He said , cupping his hands around his mouth . " What are you doing here ? " I moved in a little closer , bending my knees so that water concealed me up to my chin . " What does it look like I 'm doing ? " I answered him . He gave me an irritated look and dropped his hands to his sides . " I mean , what are you doing swimming here ? No one comes here . You 'd be better off swimming someplace closer to the park where people can see you . " " You should worry about yourself . " The boy said . " If old man Marshall finds you , it won 't matter how well you can swim . " The boy stepped off the log and motioned to his younger brother . " If I were you , I 'd get out of here before it gets dark . " He called out to me as he walked away . " That 's when old man Marshall comes out . " The boys left me with a bewildered feeling . Who was old man Marshall ? As far as I knew this part of the lake was town property so I couldn 't be accused of trespassing , and if this " old man Marshall " did show up how dangerous could he be ? Cedar bay was a quiet little town with a very low crime rate . Most of the residents knew each other and looked out for each other . If there was some crazy old man wandering the woods hurting kids I was sure that my grandparents would have warned me about him . I tried to dismiss the boys warning , figuring that they were just trying to scare me . As the afternoon faded away into early evening , uneasiness settled over me . Old man Marshall comes out when it gets dark . What was that supposed to mean , and who was old man Marshall ? It was getting late and I had to head back home anyway , my grandmother would have dinner ready soon and I wanted to help set the table . I swam to the bank and climbed out of the water . I dried myself off quickly , slipped my shorts on over my bathing suit , slid into my sandals , grabbed my bag , and hurried out of there . The sun was going down and my heart was racing . I had started walking at a fast pace which eventually broke into a panicked run . I was angry at that boy for scaring me so , and angry with myself for allowing it . My heart stopped racing when I reached the main road . In ten minutes I would be back safe and sound in my grandparent 's house eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes , and listening to my grandfather telling us how his day at work went . As anticipated , my grandmother was just getting the meatloaf out of the oven when I walked through the door . I tossed my bag on the floor next to the front door then went into the kitchen , grabbed the plates my grandmother had set out and proceeded to set the table . " Change out of that wet swim suit before we eat . " She told me . I nodded to her and then headed upstairs after I had finished setting the table . My grandfather was already at the table when I came back down stairs . My grandmother dished up his food from the stove and then set his plate down in front of him . I picked up my own plate so that I could serve myself like I normally always do . It 's customary in my family to dish your food out from the pans set on the stove top . That 's how my grandparents did its and had apparently passed onto my mother because it 's how we did it at home too . I sat down next to my grandfather and my grandmother took her seat across from him . He was already giving her a detailed account of how his day went . My grandfather was the foreman in a factory that he 's worked at since he graduated high school . He started out sweeping floors and over the years worked his way up the latter to where he was now . He told us about a new big order that they had gotten for car parts and how some of the workers were complaining about the over time they were going to have to do to fill the order in time . He went on talking about the goings on of the day but I wasn 't paying much attention to him . My mind went back to the two boys I had encountered and their warning about old man Marshall . I stabbed at my meatloaf as the conversation I 'd had with the teen played over and over again in my head . I didn 't even realize at first that my grandmother was addressing me . I looked up , almost in a daze . " Huh ? " I responded to her . I nodded as I stuffed a fork full of meatloaf into my mouth . " Ummhmm . " I mumbled through a mouth full of food . I swallowed then set my fork down . " I met a couple boys today . " I told her . " One was my age and I think the other one was his younger brother . They were in the woods near the spot I was swimming in . I didn 't even notice them at first until I heard the younger boy say something about finding arrowheads . " " I found quite a few of them in those words when I was a boy . " He said between bites . " There used to be an Indian village out by the reservoir . People have found a lot of old tools and arrowheads around that area . " " I don 't know , they didn 't tell me . " I looked down at my plate and considered whether or not I should bring up Old man Marshall . I didn 't want to seem silly being scared if it was just some made up story , but curiosity had gotten the better of me . " The older one did mention something strange though . He told me to watch out for some old guy that comes out at night . He didn 't explain what he meant but I figured he was just trying to scare me . You know how boys are . " My grandparent 's demeanor changed suddenly . A moment ago they were smiling , happy , maybe a little amused that their grand - daughter had met a boy . Now however , the smiles had faded from their faces as they looked at each other with a look between them that I can only describe as concern and maybe a touch of fear . " It 's just an old story dear . " I looked to my grandmother who had set her knife and fork down and folded her hands neatly in her lap as she often did when she was nervous about something . I could tell that she was trying to ease the tension in the room but I also saw the worry in her face . Whoever this old man was , he was bad news . I shrugged somewhat . " They were in the woods , near the cove I go swimming in . It 's secluded and on the other side of where people normally swim but far enough away that no boats are nearby . I like the privacy there ; it 's where I 've been swimming all summer . " Again my grandparents looked at each other . Their expressions sent chills down my spine . My grandfather cleared his throat then spoke again . " Is … is it near that old run down hunting shack ? " He asked me . I nodded slowly . " About fifteen or twenty feet away . " I estimated the distance but it sounded about right . You could see the roof of the old place through the trees from the water . My grandfather was quiet for a moment then he looked at me and his expression changed to one of more stern authority . " Elli , I don 't want you to swim there anymore . You can go to the lake , but stay close to the park , where the other kids swim . " " Young lady , " My grandfather started with young lady every time he wanted to make a very direct point . " Don 't argue with me on this . You 're not to go back to that cove again and that 's my final word on the matter . " I looked at my grandmother pleadingly . None of this made any sense to me . Who was this Old man Marshall and why were my grandparents so terrified oh him that they would restrict my swimming to open view of everyone in the park ? " We just want you some place where others can see you . " My grandfather said , " Just in case something we 're to happen . You know kids die from drowning every year , so it 's important that other people are around just in case . " I slouched down in my chair , pouting slightly . We didn 't speak of it again the rest of the night but I was curious now . I knew that their fears had something to do with the old man and I wanted to know what the deal was with him but I also knew that neither of them were about to tell me . After my shower before bed that I night I sat down in the spare bedroom that at one time was my mothers and now served as my room . My mother had lived in this house as a child , grew up here , and knew the town well . She met my dad while attending college and eventually moved to the city when they married , but until then she was here , she was a local . I picked up the phone suddenly and dialed home . It was almost ten at night but my parents normally didn 't go to bed until after eleven . The phone rang only four times and then my mom picked up . " Yeah , " I told her , " I 'm fine we 're all good . I 'm having a great time , doing a lot of swimming . Hey mom , I have a question for you . " The line was silent for a moment and then my mom finally spoke , softly and with a slight tremor in her voice . " Old man Marshall ? Where did you hear about him ? " " Well … " She started , " It 's an old story . Everyone in town knows about it . Old man Marshall was a fisherman back in the 1920 's . He lived in the hunting shack by the cove you were swimming in . He lost his wife a few years after their daughter Birdie was born and he struggled as a single father to care for her . They didn 't have a lot of money and he would be gone for days on end , sometimes even weeks , working to support his daughter . The story goes that while he was away on a fishing boat , Birdie who was left alone , went down to the cove one day . No one knows for sure if she slipped and fell into the water or if she was swimming , but she was very young and she drowned . It was summer and school was out so no one even knew anything was wrong until her father came home and saw that she was missing . He searched the woods for her all night , calling her name and eventually found her the next morning , floating face down in the water . People say that old man Marshall was so upset over his daughter 's death that the day after her funeral he went back down to the cove where he had found her body and shot himself , falling into the water as well . It 's not known for sure but people think that the gunshot wound wasn 't what actually killed him , that when he fell into the water he drowned , which might have been what he 'd planned all along . But , the story goes that at night during the summer you can hear him wandering the woods searching for Birdie . Some people have even claimed to have heard a gunshot right before a loud splash , but of course that 's all just made up stuff that kids tell around campfires to scare each other . No one ever swims there anymore though because they say if you swim there after dark that old man Marshall will pull you under and drown you as revenge for the town not checking on his daughter while he was away . " My mom laughed at how serious I was taking the story . " It 's just an old ghost story dear , an urban legend . There is no proof that old man Marshall or his daughter even existed , let alone died there . " I hung up the phone and got ready for bed though I doubted that I would sleep much that night . For a story that wasn 't real , my grandparents sure seemed to be worried about me swimming at the site of the alleged accident and suicide . It occurred to me that my mom could have lied to me to keep me from being scared but I wasn 't a child anymore , why would she not tell me the truth ? For the next week I did as my grandparents told me to and I stayed on the side of the lake near the park . I hated it though ; I felt exposed and self conscious . I always felt like everyone was watching me , possibly laughing at me . I was a little over weight for my age but I wasn 't horribly obese . Still I didn 't like wearing a swimming suit around other people and possibly getting disgusted looks from them . The last day of summer before I was to head back to the city , I went down to the reservoir for one last day of swimming and relaxing in the sun . There were so many people there , it was the weekend , and the lake was packed with other kids . I didn 't really know any of them but many of them were around my age and that made me more nervous to swim around them . I decided to pack it up for the day but I didn 't feel like going back to the house just yet . I was still curious about the story of the old man and the cove where supposedly his daughter had drowned . If there was any truth to the story then I figured that other kids had to have drowned there as well . The thought of me actually swimming in a place where people had died kind of creeped me out some but at the same time the idea of a haunted lake was exciting . I made up my mind that I was going back to the cove to look around . Part of me was scared that I might actually see the old man 's ghost while another part of me was hoping that I would . The woods around the cove seemed darker now , even though it was mid day . The entire place seemed a bit more gloomy . I 'd never noticed it before but there did seem to be a kind of sadness associated with the spot . I 'd always thought that it was just due to it being so isolated from the rest of the reservoir but I was starting to wonder now if maybe the spirits of those who died there were still hanging around . Maybe the little girl who lost her life there was wandering around for all eternity looking for her daddy , not knowing that he too had lost his life after she died . The secluded and isolated area didn 't feel as warm and inviting as it once had . Now that I knew the story , real or not , of what happened there , I couldn 't get it out of my mind . I decided to turn around and head back to my grandparents house when I caught sight of the old hunting cabin up in the woods . I realized that I was close to the cove now and for some reason , the idea of it sent chills up my spine . " You came back ? " A familiar voice caused me to turn and glance towards the water . The teenage boy I had seen a week ago was standing near a tree about four feet from me . His brother was sitting on the end of the log on the bank , his pant legs rolled up to his knees and his bare feet dangling in the water . " Actually , I was , but not for the reason you think . " I crossed my arms over my chest and stared back at him . " I asked my mom about that old man . She said it 's just an urban legend . All fake , so if you were trying to scare me , you failed . " " Humph . " The boy turned away from me . " Shows what you know . It 's not an urban legend , it 's all true . We know people who have actually seen him . " I put my hand on my hips and glared at him . Man this kid was really starting to make me angry . Did he think I was stupid ? " If any part of your story was real then there would be some evidence of someone actually being killed by this ghost guy , but since there isn 't any evidence of anyone being killed by him , it just proves that it 's a story and nothing more . " " But people have been killed by him . " This time it was the younger brother who spoke . This entire time he 's remained silent . I thought that he wasn 't paying attention to us but he was . He looked up at us with a serious expression on his young face and continued . " It happened in the fifties , a couple of kids were fishing , and one of them fell in the water . The other one tried to pull him out and that 's when old man Marshall grabbed them both and pulled them under , they both drowned . " I narrowed my eyes . " But you don 't know that it was old man Marshall . " I told him . " It 's just rumors fueled by a tragic accident , nothing more . " The older boy frowned . " Believe what you want . " He said to me , " But don 't say I didn 't warn you . If you get caught down here after sunset he will get you ! " Twenty years later I returned to Cedar Bay with my parents for my grandfather 's funeral . I 'd never attended a funeral there before so I 'd never had a reason to visit the funeral home and mortuary . It was a family business that had been there since the founding of the town in the late eighteen hundreds . After the service my parents , grandmother , and I were told to exit the viewing room through a hall way in the back of the home . A car was waiting out back that would take us to the internment so that we could arrive before anyone else . While walking down the hallway something caught my eye and I stopped to look at it . It was an old black and white photograph of two boys , one around twelve and the other a teenager , probably fifteen or sixteen . They were standing on a dock holding up a large fish that I assumed they had caught in the lake . The younger of the boys had denim pants on that were rolled up to his knees and his feet were bare . Suddenly that last summer came rushing back to me as recognition washed over me . I asked my grandmother if she knew who the two boys in the photograph were but she shook her head . " I 'm sorry dear ; I 've never seen them before . " Just then , the funeral home 's director joined us in the hallway . He looked at the photograph and frowned some . " That 's a sad story there . " He told us , " Those two boys , they were brothers , Charlie and James , my uncles . " " Died ! ? " I was shocked . There had to be some mistake here , how could the two brothers ' have died when I had spoken to them , twice ? " When did this happen ? " I asked . He thought for a moment and then nodded to himself as though confirming the answer to a question in his head . " It was nineteen fifty five I believe . My father told me that his two brothers had gone fishing one morning and when they didn 't return home his parents sent him down after them . He found them both in the cove on the wooded side of the lake ; they had both drowned . " I never told my parents or my grandmother that the two boys I had seen that summer were the two from the photograph . I was an adult now and not supposed to believe in such things but it was hard to dismiss the old stories as folklore now . Charlie and James had told me that two boys had been dragged to their deaths by old man Marshall , but now I knew that they were describing their own deaths . |
I have been driving a loaner car from Younker Nissan for a week now - they think my transmission should be here this coming Wednesday . Before , they said a week - as long as I have a car to drive , it 's fine . I made sure I have my sticker and garage opener , I have no desire to be running around the garage every time I go in or out . I did that once before and it wasn 't a lot of fun . Younker Nissan has been very good to us , I would recommend the dealership to anyone - they aren 't pouncers . They are friendly and they take care of my care very well . The dealer we bought it was the same way , but they went of business the people who took over make me uncomfortable . Now that we are established with Younker , it feels like going to visit friends when we take it in for service . They gave me a Versa , so it is very familiar - very much like mine . It has some quirks I have to adjust to - like doors that lock when I put it in gear and a hatchback type trunk . Mine is a four door sedan with electronic locks , this one I have to use a key . That means I put it in my purse and then hit the lock button on the door , then check my purse to be sure the key is in my purse before I shut the door . This one also doesn 't have the oomph mine has , so when I accelerate from a freeway entrance , I don 't move as fast as mine . However , the drawback to lots of pep is that I want to go fast . I notice the cops frown on that and give tickets to discourage going too fast . Bummer ! Fortunately it is white like mine , I would have a little more trouble finding it if it was another color . I usually drive my car and when I am with Eddie in his Volvo , I keep looking for my white Versa . Then I am brought up short because we 're in a silver Volvo V70 . Good thing Eddie is with me , he always finds it . I had to tune the radio to the stations I like , but crossed myself up when I hit the CD button and nothing was there . I forgot I wasn 't in my car and couldn 't understand why Rachmaninoff 's 2nd piano concerto didn 't start playing . The other thing I forgot from my car was my collection of shopping bags . However , in my line of work , I am never at a loss for bags . I easily found 3 to put in the back in case I need them . I am the only one authorized to drive it , so if we go anywhere together , Eddie drives his Volvo - a real hardship on him . He loves that wagon and enjoys it when people admire it or ask about it . I must admit , I am still surprised to see the car when I am in a parking lot . It has a hatchback and more square than mine . It is comfortable to drive , except when some idiot parks so close to me I have a terrible time getting into it . That would be true for any car . I was at the library and parked close to the wall so I could get in and out of the car . When I came back , that car left and another one was parked - way over in my space . I was able to get in , all except my left leg . It 's also the one that doesn 't bend very well . I found myself lying across the front seat , the emergency brake and seat belt locks under my tush and very uncomfortable . I wasn 't sure I was going to make it all the way in ; thank goodness I only have 2 legs . What if I were a centipede , I wouldn 't know which leg to start with , much less get them all inside the car . I finally made it , with no small effort . Good to know I could do it , , just don 't want to have to again . I will be glad to have my own car back soon . Until then , I will enjoy driving this one with all its quirks . It 's a good size and I find easy for me to drive . I certainly appreciate that they gave me one similar to mine , rather than a different model . Mine is a 2007 and this one is a 2012 , it no doubt has updated bells and whistles mine doesn 't have . That 's fine with me , the more bells and whistles , the more things to go wrong . Give me a basic with power steering and I am fine . A new week beginning as well as a new month , all kinds of adventures and waiting for me . Sometimes I surprise myself , other times I am surprised by what seem to be outside events . These days , I tend to think they are all connected , just not necessarily obviously so . I am now officially a radio host for KKNW , Alternative Talk Radio . I signed a 1 year contract yesterday for a 30 minute talk show on Tuesdays at 9 : 30 . It will start on September 16th and is called Finding The Gifts . In some ways it is exciting and also a little unreal . I have never done this before , it is truly a leap of faith because at the moment I don 't have any sponsors to pay for the air time . I am feeling calm and at peace at the moment , watching with curiosity as it unfolds . My show starts on September 16th and it can be heard on the internet , iTunes , 1150kknw . com and you can also download an app for iPad and iPhone . I don 't think it has quite penetrated that it is heard globally , not just here in Washington and the U . S . I am to meet with the engineer for the show , Benny , in the next couple of weeks to find out how it works in the studio . I am planning for the first 2 shows at least as a learning experience , seeing how things work the timing , how to break up the time for show and commercials . A lot to learn but I see it as having fun - better to see those butterflies as excitement rather than fear . They both feel the same way and I can choose which it will be . It 's been an interesting week , Tuesday I put a spanner in my own works - I thought I was to see my primary doc this morning and do my infusion on Thursday . Turns out I mixed them up and still was able to do both . I was concerned about driving into Seattle to the Polyclinic , the viaduct was closed and I figured people were trying to find ways around . What a delight to find there wasn 't traffic either going down 4th Ave and later on I - 5 south . It worked out quite well . Wednesday I picked up Melanie to take her to Breakfast Club - she moved about 2 years ago to Las Vegas and it was a delight to see her . She makes me laughs , I learn so much from her and we have a great time . After Breakfast Club , we went to have coffee and catch up on what each has been doing . She is edited about my show and has had experience in radio . Also , if I need guests , she knows a lot of people . Time went by much too fast , she was having lunch with her stepmother , so I dropped her back at her sister 's at 12 : 30 . Melanie is such a tonic for me and I had a wonderful time with her . I had an email from the radio station , they are delighted I am joining the family - I am meeting them on Thursday for all the details and probably signing a year contract . In some ways it isn 't quite real , in other ways it is . I told the doc about it and he was pleased for me . I came home around 1 and was tired . I had a banana and then Eddie came home and we had some lunch . Then I had a nap for about 2 or 3 hours - I 'm still a bit draggy , so I am hoping a night 's sleep will help . I am working on an update on my business website fivesensespromotions . com - I feel as if I have been floundering try to understand and visualize it . They sent me a mock - up for the new site but it seemed so bland , yet I could describe what it needed . Then spent the last few weeks playing email tag with Chris , the designer . Finally we connected and talked on Friday , makes a big difference to say it than write it . He suggested I look at other sites for ones I like , so I was checking out website templates on Friday and Sunday . After a while on Sunday , I was bug - eyed , my mind had gone into neutral and my eyes glazed over . But I found things that I liked and was ready for him when we talked at noon on Monday . I felt as if we were on the same wave length and I had a better idea and understanding about the site . I had bought an app called Wordify that takes a silhouette and makes the shape using the words I type in . It is fun and I have learned a lot about it - I found that I can click the triangle to Wordify it , then click it again and it is entirely different . I can do random , so the words are vertical and horizontal , or all horizontal or all vertical . There are all kinds of fonts , but clicking the box Surprise Me puts the words in all kinds of fonts and sizes . The I spent a lot of time going bug - eyed looking for photos for the top part of the site when I click on the icons . After all the cleaning out last week , I took Saturday off completely . I find myself sleepy in the afternoon - Saturday I had a nap and felt better when I got up . I do have a calendar with things I am doing - tomorrow I am going to the radio station to talk about sponsors and how to structure the offers . Then they will help me with suggestions for approaching possible sponsors . I have also been thinking a lot about the show , who I would invite as guests as well as working on a website for the show . I went to see mom Monday and today , she seems quite sleepy a lot of the time . The meds are to help her anxiety and the doc wants to keep her on them because if they cut back , she will be animus . She is comfortable as long as no one touches her , when they do , she gets feisty . Judy told me today that because her knee hurts , she has trouble standing and is reluctant to do it . This may seem a little disjointed , I feel a bit that way . A lot of changes are going on for me and also for Eddie , no telling what will happen next . It is so good Yesterday we took my Versa in for service , about 1000 before the 89 , 000 service . I noticed a thumpity when I was going very slowly about a week or two ago . Not very noticeable at first , but this week it was much more pronounced . I had asked Eddie if he noticed anything , just to sure I wasn 't imagining it . He noticed it too and I have to admit , it made me uneasy . So we went in Saturday to do the service and have them check it out . Later we had a phone call to tell us the transmission gave out . The CVT valve was being chewed up , they found bits of metal in the oil pan . I couldn 't have times it better if I 'd planned it . So now I have a loaner car , another Versa but a little different . They said it would be at least a week for the new ( remanufactured ) transmission to come . Fortunately they had extended the warranty for it , so it won 't cost us anything . I saw my Mom Friday and she was a little more alert , but after she had the chocolate , she started dozing . She managed one cookie but seemed very sleepy , so I left the other two for an afternoon snack . I didn 't stay that long because I had a lunch date with my close friend Kathie Brody , we haven 't done anything for several months because we were both busy . I emailed her to see how she was doing and she had been gallivanting to Italy , New Orleans and not sure where else . However , the past 2 or 3 weeks she has been taking care of Suburu , her cat . As she put it : Himself has been very sick and I thought I was going to lose him a couple of weeks ago . He 's still thinking about it but for the moment he has decided to stay . The doc said he has very high blood pressure so I give him a pill and cream every day ( the cream was my idea , not the vet 's ! ) and she also said maybe a little piece of cartilage has broken loose on his spine and floated down and lodged so he doesn 't know where his hind end is . He can no longer jump up on my lap or his chair , even his low throne . Poor baby . He is very quiet … so I think he is making up his mind . I know why he came into my life all those years ago ( 17 , I can hardly believe it ) which was to teach me how to love again . Now that I am taking the classes with my Shaman and living consciously and opening up my heart , I am wondering if he is thinking his job is done . If I hold on to him too long then he can 't go help someone else , but … it is a tough decision . I hope he makes it for me . At the moment he does not appear to be in pain . His meowing is very quiet and his purring motor is very quiet , but it still works . He vomits a few mornings a week but often he is polite enough to do it on the hardwood floor . So I am pretty worried about him and haven 't come to grips with it yet . I asked Kathie about him as we were saying good - bye , she said he is not in pain , is fine but very quiet . So she is just waiting to see what he decides . Still brings tears to my eyes when I think about him - he has been a very special cat for me . We really haven 't met face to face , he is usually upstairs sleeping when I go to her home . But he has given me several messages over the past years and apparently does only for me . She says when I call or email , he always knows and comes into her lap , he only does it with me . I am very flattered and appreciative . We had a delightful lunch at Queen Mary Tearoom . We had a lovely lunch , though both of us looked for a lighter meal . They have a wonderful phyllo dough pastry dish with cheese and not sure what else that is wonderful . Now I find something like that feels too heavy , so I tried their Bacon Leek Quiche and it was very good . They had a green salad and a lot of wonderful fruits ; I was comfortably full but didn 't feel I ate too much . We talked about what she has been doing , what I 've been doing as well as having fun with the waitress . They are so friendly and welcoming there , they had a new one on her first day , so we had fun with her as well . I always think I am going to try a different tea but find I go back to Creamy Earl Grey . It was a beautiful day , in the 70 's - my kind of weather . We are not going to let so much time go by before getting together again . Thursday I had a meeting at the radio station about my show . They have an opening at 9 : 30 on Tuesday morning - Erik thinks my show would do well on Tuesday or Wednesday . I don 't have a sponsor signed up yet , but everything has lined up so well and so easily that it 's time to put up or shut up . It was a little scary but also exciting - I had to decide if I was going to take a risk and make the leap of faith or not . I had read somewhere that until one commits , things don 't appear . I think of Moses and the Red Sea - I always thought the water just parted and they went across . Turns out they had to start walking into the water before it parted . I thought about it and when I told Eddie I wanted to do this , it is very important to me , he said " Go for it " . I decided on Friday I was going to do it - I sent an email to Brian and Erik to get the show on the road . However , they won 't get it until Monday and I am not sure how long it will take for them to respond . I have been thinking a lot about the show , who I would invite as guests , what to talk about as well as sponsors , a web site - it will be interesting to see how it develops and how it all works . It 's a big step , I will be signing a contract for a year . I was so pleased that both Erik and Brian really like my idea and concept , also the name Finding The Gifts . I didn 't want to use Gift of RA because it felt too confining and specific , this way it can expand and extend into other areas . One will be dealing with My Mom 's dementia , something a lot of people are now dealing with . I will also talk about dealing with a chronic illness because although illness may be different , there are some basic things we have in common . It 's been an interesting week , up and downs and a lot of surprises . I am pleased to find I have had more energy and accomplished a lot of things I have been meaning to do . It also has been tiring and I have been sleeping with my bunny in my arms , she helps me go to sleep more easily at night . I also registered for my 50th high school reunion on Sept . 27th - it 's going to be fun and interesting . I would have written this yesterday afternoon but I was exhausted . I had gone to visit Mom on Monday for a regular visit - she was rather sleepy and only ate the chocolate . Elaine said she had made french toast for breakfast and I suspect that was shortly before I came . I read and finished the book , putting her to sleep . She was all that alert , so I didn 't stay long . I left the cookies for an afternoon snack later . Yesterday I had made an appointment for Mom to have her haircut at the Center . I will admit I was not sure how much she would fight it . I went to the Center and there was Mom , fast asleep in the wheelchair . I took her down and she slept through it all . Lisa cut her hair first , then shampooed it and blew it dry . Lisa figured Mom would wake up once she started shampooing , but she didn 't . I held Mom 's head up a bit to make sure the water wouldn 't run down her face . Her hair looked so much better when Lisa was done , it had gotten so long . She is now on a 6 week rotation to have her hair cut , I want to make sure it is done on a regular schedule . By the time she was finished , it was noon and time for lunch . It also turned out she had a check up with the doctor that day as well - how do I manage schedule a haircut the day she is to see the doc ? Anyway , I had some time on my own until the doctor . So I went down to the small gift shop to wander around , then went to the car for my book . There is a small cafe just down the hall , I had half a sandwich and a bottle of lemonade - boy , was I thirsty ! I read and while I had lunch and was able to regroup for the doctor 's visit . I went up about 1 : 15 , Mom had woken up and was awake long enough to eat a good lunch . Then she was back asleep in the examine chair . They also noticed she tends to list to the left , something they really hadn 't seen before - she does that in the chair when I go to see her . She got very feisty with them when the doc and the nurse were examine her . She was mostly asleep , but fought with them when they were checking to be sure her skin is in good condition , all around her abdomen , checked the lump , didn 't do too well looking in her eyes . There was one point when she fought and said " Stop it , God Damn it ! . Not what one expects Mom to say . Definitely the dementia doing its thing . It was so hard to see her in that situation and how strong she still is - the doc and nurse were being as gentle as they could but it looked worse than it was . It was upsetting and at times as I was answering questions , I found myself getting weepy as I told them what they wanted to know . I said I notice now she mumbles more , not distinct words that rhyme that she repeats . The lump has not become any smaller , nor will it ; so she said they want to just keep an eye on it so it doesn 't get any bigger . On the whole , they are pleased she is doing as well as she is . When I had first come in , I saw Denise , the social worker who helped me so much . A few months ago she asked if it would be all right to have a woman who used to work Traveler 's Aid come visit Mom . I said " Of course ! " . Last week Jane came by to visit Mom and she talked to Mom about the orphan meets and Mom lighted up and actually spoke the words Airport , Babies and happy . She smiled and was holding a stuffed animal , so was Jane - they showed each other their baby . It was a small slice of a happy time . I am pleased it worked out so well . The past three days have been a lot of ups and downs , the downs have been mostly with Mom and I found myself out of sorts and cranky when I woke up this morning . Part of it was from a dream about Eddie , he had moved everything around in the kitchen , we had guests and I had no idea what house we were in or where anything was . I couldn 't fix anything to eat for people , had no idea who they were and sometimes I think I had very few clothes on . So it has been a weird day . We have a new tax man and we have seen him every Wednesday for the past 3 weeks . We went in to meet him and the following week brought all our tax stuff for the past 3 years . We figured the next time would be when we came to do the taxes - no such luck . The IRS and Social Security sent us another letter about the 2 months when we hired Kathy while I was in rehab . We have paid the money but somewhere it hasn 't come together , but he found the problem and had it put together in half an hour - ready to send off . let 's hope it is the end of it . this whole Mom situation has been a really education and learning experience - I wonder if I am expecting myself to do it perfectly . The doc thinks I am doing a really good job , the caregivers think so - I have gotten a lot of positive comments . I 'm doing the best I can and that is as perfect as it will ever be . This week I have been doing a lot of clearing out bureau drawers - the stuff my parents kept ! All kinds of cards they received and Mom had so many cards ready to send for almost any occasion , I am going to give them to the Goodwill so other people can use them . I have bags of papers to put in recycle - our wheelie bin is full to the top and I have 2 other bags ready - plus things I have put away in boxes to see if my sister Candy wants them . I found 2 photographs from North American Aircraft in an original envelope that is going to the Boeing Archives , lovely to know they will be pleased to have them . My parents kept things even though they were worn out , some things had never been used and there is a beautiful grey wool yard length - very fragrant with moth balls . And letters from people , from Mom & Dad to his parents , letters from both his sisters and letters from his Uncle James to Dad 's father . I had a hard time reading the hand writing , I am putting them away to read later since I need to work on the clearing out . Along with that , I was having a lot of discomfort - the toilet and I became close companions on thursday , Friday and even into Saturday , though not as much . The tummy was unhappy and I was really tired . Yesterday after we did all our stuff , I came home and crawled into bed with Bunny to sleep some of it off - and I was better when I woke up . Not sure what happened because I didn 't eat anything different . I have been very careful how much I eat , the tummy gets uncomfortable . I have been using water and baking soda which seems to help . maybe the side effects of veggies . We finally had rain this week , blessed soaking rain . I have been feeling very dry and parched and it was so lovely to hear the raining really coming down as I was lying in bed . Rain is so refreshing and makes things feel washed clean . Now it will be 81 today and 83 tomorrow , then back to the 70 's - that 's quite okay with me . I have been playing phone tag to arrange a haircut for Mom , finally made it for Tuesday . Her hair is getting long and needs cutting - not sure how she will be when the time comes . She is very feisty when anyone wants to do anything for her - I make sure I am there for the hair cut and sit beside her . There is no way to tell how she will be from one minute to the next , one day to the next . I saw her on Friday and she was rather sleepy , though chocolate sounded very good to her . She was cuddling a stuffed dog or cat and Judy had put a chair on each side of her , she could easy fall to the side . She seems to mumble more than before . I don 't know how much she knows that Fern died last week . Fern was 102 and having a lot of pain in her body , as well as feeling alone since she was used to family all around . I 've been wondering if visiting Mom and clearing out things has had an emotional and mental effect as well as physical . It maybe stirring up a lot of old programs , messages and memories that I had not been conscious of for quite awhile . The bottom drawer of the desk is definitely a proud parent 's drawer ; all the drawings and things the three of us girls have done since we were very young are there . I saw Mom on Monday and then went to my Caregiver 's Support Group . I 'm so glad I did , it helps so much . I told them what was going on with Mom and that I feel as if I am walking in thigh deep water . It feels more than just fatigue , but there is more to it - I can 't really name it at the moment . I also realize each time I go that I have it relatively easy compared to the others . They have to deal with so much more , how they cope I can only imagine . I will admit , I have periods of feeling I have such a difficult time - usually when I am tired and worn down . I haven 't figured out how to actually become rested while still doing what I need to do . Is that what 's called the horns of a dilemma ? I knew I had to start cleaning out drawers and closets but there was something holding me back . Not necessarily the size of the project so much as going through my parents ' belongings . If you saw the house , it doesn 't necessarily look as though anything has been done - it is more the inside where there is a difference . I cleared out a shelf in the office with things both Mom and Dad had clipped and saved , mostly Mom 's idea pile . She had a lot of articles about rug hooking , pattern ideas , calendars with flowers and some patterns she had transfer to a backing to hook . I found her patterns for the coat of arms rug - a list of tartans and descriptions as well as individual shield patterns . Thursday afternoon I started on the desk in the living room , clearing out the top of the desk with all the little drawers and cubby holes . I know I come from a long line of pack rats , but I had no idea how much Mom kept . I filled a shopping bag with old pay stubs for Dad , check registers , you name it . I was really tired by the time I finished that . Friday I started on the first three large drawers below - another full bag of things . I put all the things to be shredded on top of the desk and Eddie took care of that for me - they may be old but I want to be sure no one can use the information . I have one more drawer to go . then it is on to the bedroom . It was interesting to see what Mom kept , there are reports from school for all three of us , some letters from grandparents , congratulation cards for all three of us from relatives , a bunch of newspaper articles about family members - the others I don 't know who they are but I think they are people Mom went to school with or knew in Glastonbury . There are pictures of all kinds and in the lower drawers she has so many cards to use for any occasion . I may send those over to Goodwill and some other things . Letters , photos and other papers I have in a box so Candy and Ellen can check them out . It will be interesting to see what is squirreled away in the bedroom bureaus . Now that I have done most of the desk , I realize it would have been smart to do it a lot sooner . Maybe it has just taken this long to be ready to do it . I need to clean things out to sell them , otherwise they would be very heavy and there is no telling what is in the drawers . I put the dining room table on Craig 's list last Saturday - no word so far . I had been hesitant to do it only because I didn 't know how it worked and what to do . I checked out eBay as well just to have an idea how much I could ask - 52 ″ round mahogany pedestal table with 3 leaves , 6 chairs and table protectors . Turned out it was very hard to list it on Craig 's List , so I will put another on the site . We need to start going through books and donate them to the library . I want to make sure which ones are worth keeping or truing to sell - the ones I have with Judith on her online book store are still there . She said things are very slow right now . I do want to check with her to find out which books are valuable then decide what to do with them . I know Mom is no longer in this world but a world of her own - still , it feels strange to be doing this while she is still alive . Yet she isn 't going to be coming back and it is long past time for Eddie and me to make this house our own . I often feel pulled in 2 opposite directions . I visit Mom twice a week and I notice she is more sleepy when I come - some days she is quite alert and aware . The day she didn 't know who I was took me a little by surprise and since she was in a feisty mood , she didn 't want anyone to touch her . So now I ask her if she would like a hug and the other day , she said yes , and a kiss . I know the not recognizing me will come more often , I hope to be able to be objective about it and not get upset . She loves chocolate and cookies , always saying yes to them . When she is really sleepy , I will save some of the cookies and put them in her room for later - Judy says she will have a snack in the afternoon . I tend to put her to sleep when I read , she says that 's fine . Today is the hydroplane races and the program by the Blue Angels . It is the last weekend of Seafair , though it doesn 't have the same feel it did when I was growing up . It was for only a week or two and there was a lot of excitement about the different neighborhood parades , the crowing of miss Seafair , the Seafair parade , the Torchlight parade and certainly when the pirates came ashore . Now that it is for a least a month or more , it feels as if it passes by very quietly . Maybe I just grew up in a more innocent time - without cell phones in every hand . The Blue Angels have been practicing since Wednesday - I know when the I - 90 bridge is closed because the planes all come over the house . The wind has been from the north , so they have been taking off that way and then make a sharp left turn to go south or not so sharp to go north . There are those who complain about them every year but it is only for a few days . I thing I notice is when I hear the Blue Angels , they have already passed by . They also have several Osprey helicopters this year - they came by the house Wednesday and I have heard them a couple of other times . Eddie is glad he isn 't at the Museum of Flight today - it is usually a zoo . Today is his first day volunteering at the LeMay American Car Museum in Tacoma . The Volunteer Coordinator was quite impressed with his resume and the two references he gave . Now he will be there the Sunday he isn 't at the Museum . He is now doing things for PNAA and getting paid for it . he had 4 students and the professor the other week and had a lot of fun with them . he has just been asked to be Volunteer Coordinator for their events . he will find out more about it when he goes the meeting on Aug . 26th . This weekend has felt a little strange - he took a vacation day on Friday and it has felt a bit odd ever since . He came with me to see Mom Friday - she was doing pretty well and was willing to have a back rub . She was pleased to see Eddie and enjoy the cookies and chocolate I brought . i read for a bit and then we left . I know he was itching to leave but he didn 't show it very much this time . We went down to LeMay for him to pick up his red logo shirt and I met the Coordinator . Very nice woman and friendly . Then we did some of our errands and came home . It has been warm the past week or more , a little rain early in the week but just enough to settle the dust . I 'm ready for a good steady rain to refresh everything . Saturday it rained early for a short while , then thunder and another shower . We were sitting at the table looking out and not only was it raining , the sun was shining . I didn 't see a rainbow but I saw something I never saw before - every once in a while the sun would shine on a raindrop and it looked like a diamond falling from the sky . It reminded me of the first time I saw fireflies in New Jersey . Several times it thundered and rain for a bit - one point it was hailing as well . Then it all quit and no chance of rain again . I don 't know if anyone outside Seattle has heard of Big Bertha and the tunnel under the city - a tunnel that is going nowhere fast . This is to replace the Alaskan Way Viaduct - 4 lanes to take 6 lanes of traffic . I don 't quite see how that computes , plus they are going to charge to use it . So far I have heard they are going to charge $ 5 each way . No idea what it will be when the tunnel is in use , if it ever is . I doubt I will use it not only because of the toll but mostly because I am claustrophobic and this doesn 't look very conducive to feeling relaxed . But that is the plan . This is Big Bertha : There have been more than one hiccup - first a pipe they didn 't know was there , then the blade needed replacing and this time it has been stuck for months because they have to figure out a way to get to the front to fix it . This is what it is like for the first 1000 feet , not a quick boring machine . There are still miles to go . As you can tell , I am not in favor of this thing . They needed to repair the Viaduct and then hire a Trompe l ' oeil artist to paint beautiful columns on the sides since a lot of people talk about how ugly it is . I don 't think it is , but maybe I am too traditional . It would be a whole lot less money and it wouldn 't screw up traffic so much . They never put a proper bill on the ballot for us to vote for or against - that sucks . Politicians seem to ignore voters unless it suits them . We have 2 stadiums side by side - one was voted down at least 3 times and they went behind our backs to do it anyway . They had been talking about another stadium a mile or so south for a basket ball team - give us a break ! Lately all is quiet about that but it is likely to come up again . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Ouija Board Experiences from around the world . Reader submitted stories , personal encounters with the Ouija Board . Do you believe a Ouija Board could be used to contact the " other " side ? It all started out innocently enough . I am still taken by strange feelings once in a while , and it might take many years for it to stop , maybe not , I 'm not sure . Only time will tell , but I must , I have to tell my story , and let it out of my chest because I still hear the noises that haunt me everywhere I go , and they always come in threes . If I tell my story , it might stop , and give me some peace . I never sit near windows in airplanes , trains , restaurants or offices , though . I avoid windows the most I can - - especially at night . I wish the noises would end , but they never do . I wonder if they ever will . I guess that sometimes it 's impossible to stop the river of life . I had just arrived at Colégio Bennett Girl 's Camp on a Friday afternoon , in the year of 1969 . My friends and I had come in a big , white and noisy bus all the way from Rio de Janeiro , and up towards the Alto da Tijuca woods . The bus had parked under an enormous Jake tree . I was immediately enveloped by its long , thick branches and inviting coolness the moment I got off . Strangely enough , I also felt a chill run through my body but I thought it was the excitement in the air , and the idea of being away from my mother 's overbearing presence . Panela , Katia , Sichel , Baby , Luisa and I met in our cottage room . We had made a special request weeks ago : to be placed together in the same room , or we wouldn 't sign up for girl 's camp . We were best friends . Our school wanted to make ends meet that year , so that wasn 't a problem . We were inseparable , like magnets , stuck to one another , and we had no secrets . . . until that weekend . We unpacked , folded our clothes in the large shelves and got ready for dinner . READ THE REST HERE The following story happened to me and a group of friends about a year ago . We haven 't spoke of it since , especially not in the apartment where it took place , for fear that it may come back . We also only told a select few people about the experience . We all just wanted to forget it . My brother Bryan , his roommate Matthew , and myself used an Ouija board at about 4 o ' clock in the morning at my house . My parents were out of town and we had just thrown a huge party , so all 3 of us were pretty drunk . We came in contact with spirit named Josh who said he had died of cancer . Coincidentally , a friend of my brother 's name josh had died of cancer a few months beforehand . After this Bryan and Matthew had become very interested in using the board even more , and about a week later they had their own board in their apartment . They came in contact with a spirit named Zach , who acted like an immature teenager , but was friendly at the same time . Zach liked to joke around , and said things like " Matthew 's girlfriend gave him a disease , " and " Matthew was ugly " . Zach seemed very attached to Matthew , and when asked about it , he said that he thought Matthew was funny and liked him . Hi , my name is Jennifer . I used to play with the Ouija board and will never play it again . Me , my best friend , and her sister started watching these Ouija videos . We were a bit scared , but we still wanted to try it out to see if it really works . We made our own board and printed out instructions . We started asking if anyone was here . There was no answer . We stopped after trying about 27 times . We then found out that there was a Buddha in the drawer . So we decided to try it outside at the back of the house . It worked , a little bit . First we talked to a demon called David . We asked him many questions , like how he died , and if he was a good spirit . When we tried asking him how old he was . We didn 't even have time to finish the question and then he answered ' 666 ' we were so shocked that my best friend went to the ' Goodbye ' sign without saying anything she ran away . She came back and then we played again . This time it was a girl . Her name was Dara . We asked how old she was . but it was unclear . All we know is that she wrote a 4 and then a 5 , 6 , or 7 . We asked her if she was 47 , then my best - friend started laughing , and it was not even her laugh ! She than rolled over the ground still laughing . Her sister ran away . I was so scared I ran with her . we then went back to see where my best - friend was . We saw her sitting there crying and saying : ' Why did you leave me alone ? ' We just took the board and the glass cup and walked back together . READ THE REST HERE Now before I start I would also like to mention that I don 't believe in god or any higher power so to say , and I resigned from church as soon as I reached the legal age to do so myself . I 've always wanted to think myself of being behind the wheel of my own life and I 've not even prayed once since I got out of elementary school . But enough of that , lets get on with the my story . It all started at July of 2009 . I was spending my summer holiday from school with 2 of my friends , Tanja and his boyfriend Jani , and my sister , Nina , at our apartment ( I was living with my sister for a while back then ) , and we were spending the evening by having few drinks and playing cards . After a few dozen rounds the clock was around 1 - 2 at night and we were starting to get bored in just playing cards . At this point we started to think what else we could do to pass the time and have some fun and Jani had just the thing we needed , an Ouija Board . To start , I have always been sensitive to the other side of the veil . I am use to it and it really doesn 't bother me . . . usually . I 've had run - ins with spirits and creepy feelings that turn out to have merit and all that . My son has the same thing going on with him . We both met what we assumed was a spirit about 10 years ago . We both have seen him and tried to communicate with him . I even tried to get rid of him several times . For no reason except to be done . We call him " Hatman " because when he appears , he is wearing a bolo hat , like the old fashioned cowboys who wanted to exude a sense of style . He always appeared to us as an older guy , a native looking man . He has never tried to hurt us . Never . However . . . . yesterday my son and I decided we wanted to communicate with our " friend " so we went to the Ouija board . Hattie , as we affectionately called him appeared right away . He is always with us . He told us his name is Ken and he was 21 years old when he died . He fell to his death , but doesn 't know from where . He was born in 1826 and he loves me . I didn 't ask him if he loved me . He just offered that up . We talked a bit and he told us he had been with us for 10 years now . He said he is my guardian . Then my son left and I was alone with my " friend " . I went back to the board . We talked a bit . It was hesitant and he didn 't seem to want to do it . So I asked the board if there was anyone else who wanted to talk to me . The answer was an immediate " yes " . I asked this new entity what it 's name was . The answer I got was ITIU3 . I was confused and pressed the issue . I said , " That 's your name ? " and the answer came back " No . " I asked again , " What 's your name " and the pointer literally FLEW over to the moon face on the board . And to anyone who practices Divinationism , as I do , that was a very frightening place to go . Hidden enemies , terror , deception . . . it was very telling . Then it pushed the pointer off the board . I grabbed the pointer and put it back in the center of the board . I then asked if I was speaking to a demon . The pointer went directly to " yes " . I then asked , " Do you think you can beat me ? " Again , I received a " yes " . I jumped up and destroyed the board right away . Ripped it to shreds and threw it outside . All the while believing that " my hattie " was protecting me . The next day I woke up scared to death about what I had invited into my life and thankful my spirit guardian for protecting me from a malevolent entity . I realized in a flash of insight what ITIU3 meant . It . I . U . 3 . He was telling me that I was there , he was there and IT was there . There were 3 of us there . It was a chilling revelation . Drew me closer to him . I was grateful for his protection . Later in the day I was again grateful and tried to communicate with Ken and got these feelings of overwhelming love coursing through me . It was a bit much . I became suspicious . I can 't explain why . So I called my uncle who advised me that this game has been played before and how dumb am I ? He told me to get rid of it . The demon was the play acting hero . At that moment I was very sad . This man who never hurt me , seemed kind and protective was the monster . . . . I just couldn 't believe it . It was all too much . So I consulted my Gods . And it was confirmed . I asked a direct question . " Is the Hatman a demon ? " . I drew The Lovers , merkstave . The meaning is false love , deception , a deamon lover / relationship . All this time I have wondered who he is . I have wanted to know him . And for someone who is supposed to be " psychic " I feel pretty stupid . Duped by a demon . I can only assume it didn 't hurt me because I am stronger than it is . Although , now that I look back , there has been a lot of instability and unfortunate happenings in my life . Was it the demon ? Or is this evil creature capable of actually loving someone ? I don 't know . And I don 't care now . It lied to me , again and again and again and again . Maybe it just has a lot of time on it 's hands . But oddly , at this point , I 'm more hurt than scared . But I now that know that my " friend " isn 't what he pretended to be , maybe I will be more successful . I will definitely be consulting with the Gods for guidance . Wish me luck . 10 years of attachment will not be easy to eradicate , This is my first story , this really happened to me a week ago . I always felt there were strange thing 's happening to me . So I decided to use a Ouija board to ask the questions that have been bothering me since I was a kid . So I decided to ask one of my questions ' Am I protected ? ' the board replied ' Yes ' and then it spelled the word ' Carer ' . I asked ' Is Carer family ? ' the board replied ' Yes ' and then it spelled ' Sister ' . At this point I was shocked , I only had 1 sister who passed away because she was a miscarriage . I wanted more information so I asked ' Is she in peace ? ' . The board replied ' No ' and then it spelled ' Scarred ' . I asked ' Why is she scarred ' the board replied ' DEMONS ' . This is where it starts to get scary . I choose to ask a different question I asked ' Are there demons near me ? ' the board said ' 6 ' . this is when I got scared so I asked ' Why are they here ? ' the board spelled ' AFRAID ' . At first I thought they were here to make me afraid so I asked ' Are they here to make me afraid ? ' the board replied ' No ' and then it spelled ' CHOSEN ' . So I asked ' Are they afraid ? ' the board immediately replied ' Yes ' and spelled ' TORTURE ' . I asked ' Are they afraid of me ? ' a few seconds past and it replied ' Yes ' and then it spelled ' CHOSEN ' . So I asked ' Am I Chosen ? ' and the board replied ' Yes ' . At this point I was very confused and asked ' Why are they afraid of me ? ' the board spelled ' TORTURE ' then I asked ' Do I torture them ? ' and the board replied ' Yes ' and then it went immediately to ' Goodbye ' . It was at the nursing university my mother then lived in that the young training nurse all about 19 started playing the board . Mum recalls that nothing actually ghostly happened until right at the end of the night , when she and the other ladies felt a presence in the room , hastily they asked the spirits name , it did not reply , however the the beer bottles on the table started shaking almost as if as my mother recalls the thing was angry . In the confusion the women didn 't get the first half of the message when the cup started moving , only the end ' like me ' . This happened when I was about . . . 13 / 14 / 15 . My nick - name was Mitch , or Mitchie . So , Now I 'm 18 . My best friend , Angie , walked into the door . Her red hair , in big , bold curls . My blond hair , in a straight stringy mess with purple streaks . We hugged each other . She was holding something . It had weird letters , and numbers . " What 's that , Angie ? " I asked . She told me , and I got spooked . You can speak to Spirits on a Ouija Board ! I never knew about them , but I was interested , so we went down the road , to our 2 other best friends , Lily and Josh . We all walked down the street to the haunted house . We jumped into a broken window , and walked up the creaking stairs . They were broken , chipped , and they had a missing stair . We started in the bathroom . Angie went to hello . " Are you here ? " She asked . It spelt out yes . She whispered to me " its your turn " So , I went . " Are you mad we 're invading your territory ? " I asked . It spelt out something really fast . And Josh wrote it down . He said it out loud . " GetOutNowOrWe ' llKillYouOurselves " Lily let out a little scream . We went to goodbye . And the bathroom door slammed ! " WE ' RE LEAVING ! " I cried . Josh took a risk . And smashed the window by jumping out , We did the same . Angie didn 't want this , she didn 't need this . She didn 't know she 'd be taunted , by using a Ouija Board , yes , Angie did suicide . As far as I know , we burned the Board , and we all went on with our lives . Hi my name is Alonzo and I 'm going to tell you my first Ouija board experience . It was a typical dark evening in Seattle . I was listing to my favorite radio station where people can call and tell their paranormal experiences just like this site but verbally . Anyways after listening to a Ouija board story I had the curiosity to try it out . So I started to make my own Ouija board on a piece of paper then I grabbed a penny to used it as a pointer . When I was done I had no idea on how to start , then with a quick YouTube tutorial video I knew the basics . I started to Move the penny in circles slowly then I waited for a sec and that 's when the penny / pointer started to move . My heart pounded fast in amazement then I remembered saying to my self " what did you expect " ? Then I asked the entity for it 's name , but it didn 't answer instead the penny just started going in circles . And every time it got faster and faster . The creepy part was when my hands kept moving the penny to the point where my arms where in mid air still being guided by the unknown entity . I felt strange like numb , then when my arms were slowly guided in front of me it suddenly stopped and my fingertips started making a circle again but this time more intense . I felt lots of pressure on me and the most impressive thing was that it looked like the entity was trying to open a portal at that moment . I got too scared to go on and forced myself to stop because my whole body started to rotate . I guess it was the strong circular motion that I was getting . But I thank god that nothing bad happened to me . I had just gotten engaged with my [ now husband ] Jonathan Tilkese . It was almost my birthday , and I wasn 't as " excited " as usual . I wanted to have a small gather - up and play some games like Spin - The - Bottle , or Ouija Board . So , I sent out invitations to some of my friends . The next couple nights , I found out Christian , Jace , Ali , Tommy , Kristina , and Char [ Charolette ] were coming . I had moved out of my parents place , and now lived with a room - mate named Tammie . Tammie was out that night , she was out at a party with Summer . That night of my " gather - up " Tommy showed up first . Then , Ali , Kristina , and Char [ in the same vehicle ] Then Christian and his sister , Jace , showed up . I had ordered a Ouija Board that month , and I had gotten it the day before . Me and Ali instructed everybody , and they did . Everything went from there . The " good " entity was named Rosa , Rosa told us she was a good spirit . Well , she was wrong . She had told us we were to die that night , and I got freaked out ! We said goodbye , and closed up the Ouija Board . We played Truth or Dare . Yes I cheated on Jonathan with Christian . Christian and me once had a ' thing ' but it 's over . Years and Years went by , and Rosa would bother us day and night . I had went into the bathroom to change when we gathered up once again on Christmas . I took off my clothes , and got into my pajama 's and I looked in the mirror and saw Rosa . When I was 11 years old , I brought my Ouija board to my first sleepover . I didn 't know then how much this experience would change my daily life . My friend who I played with , ( I won 't give her a name for privacy ) had never used or heard of a Ouija board before . I spent about an hour of explaining the rules and dangers to her , until I thought that we could finally begin . We played in her bathroom , It was the only quiet place . We spoke to a entity named Azaz , who said that he was 1 year old . He seemed nice enough , but I was still concerned . We learned that he was born in 1919 in the same apartment building we were in , in apartment A1 . Of course I didn 't ask how he died , but I was curious . When he told me his birth date , I didn 't believe him , because this building was made after 1919 . But then my friend explained that after a huge fire , the building was torn down , and a new building was established years later . So I inferred that he died in that fire . He said his family was here with him . I asked him if they were evil or not , and he said they ARE evil , but said , and I quote , " I - W - I - L - L - P - R - O - T - E - C - T - Y - O - U - W - H - E - N - T - H - E - Y - C - O - M - E . " We weren 't sure what he meant , but since he also said Yes when I asked if his family can hurt us , we got freaked out and said goodbye . That night , I couldn 't sleep because I felt somebody was breathing in my ear . I felt strange , like somebody was trapping me in a small space . My friend was whining in her sleep . Then , I witnessed one of the biggest terrors of my life . A small black human shaped mist formed near my friend 's radiator . I couldn 't move or speak I was so scared . The next morning , we decided to put Azaz to the test . Azaz , before even noting his presence , said - " I - T - W - A - S - M - E " " M - O - T - H - E - R - I - S - H - E - R - E . " I 've never really had much experiences with my board before . It hardly ever moved . But now it was moving fast , and after asking a few normal questions , My friend 's mom laughed and said , Hey , ask Azaz if he can give me some lotto numbers ! We asked Azaz , and he moved to some numbers . ( one of them was 4 , another was 2 , and I can 't remember the rest ) . At first , the amount of numbers he gave didn 't make sense , but when we asked again , he gave us some different numbers . He said they were for some time in February . After that , I had to leave . Before I left , I asked Azaz if I could talk to him at my house later . He said , N - O , I - L - I - V - E - H - E - R - E . " When I came back again in early March , I asked my friends mom if the numbers worked , and my heart leapt with joy when she said he was only 2 numbers off ! Azaz also gave us lotto numbers for February 2020 . ( don 't ask why , I don 't know either . ) I also noticed that I can 't contact any entity besides Azaz when I 'm in my friends house , only him . In my next story , I will share with you some more adventure I 've had with him . It may be risky , but I 'm starting to like him . Please note that I do not make up stories , and despise people that do . The first night we kept seeing things out of the window in the kitchen beside the air conditioner . We both swear we seen " someone " that looks just like the killer from the Halloween movies . Dark circles for eyes and the really pale white " face " couldn 't really see the mouth though . That didn 't stop us though . We continued using the Ouija board . After the first couple days everything started going wrong . My friend and I both got in a way " sick " we both had pains in our stomachs and back and just numerous other things happened . Anyways long story shortened , I was never afraid of the Ouija board before that started happening . It 's not something to be messed with and if you keep stirring it up , all your doing is giving it access to you and spirits can follow you . Remember that . . . I always read these stories on here and some seem quite interesting but I didn 't know if they were real or not so I was a bit skeptical . I never was really religious or believed in demons and ghosts . That is until the event that occurred . I just wanna say this is real and in no way a joke so please don 't take it as such . I 'm still creeped out just thinking about it . I live in a pretty big city [ not gonna say which city ] full of lights and celebrities that sometimes visit just to shop here and go to the casinos and awesome clubs . Well getting off topic let me get to the point . I live in a 2 story house with my mom , dad , and little brother . Well this happened on Tuesday and I 'm barely writing about it now , now that I feel a little bit better . I was in my room one day on my laptop listening to music on YouTube and talking to a friend on the phone . We talked for about an hour [ you know about girl stuff ] and as we talked I felt this strange feeling of being watched [ which is a feeling I 've never felt before ] and I tried to ignore it until my friend laughed a weird raspy faint laugh almost hard to hear . I asked her if she had laughed like that and she said no . Then I told her " Cut the crap I know it was you " and she just kept saying it wasn 't her and that she was alone in her house so it couldn 't have been anyone else laughing like that , and it was too scary to even sound human ! Feeling a little uneasy I told my friend I had to go . She said allright and said she 'd call me the next day . Then as I changed the song on my laptop now putting the volume higher because I lowered it so I could hear my friend I went to the kitchen to get a Dr . Pepper . When I returned my music was paused . Since I was in the house with my mom I asked her if she paused my music and she said no , that she didn 't even get up at all [ she was reading a book ] . So I checked the music and even though the video was fully loaded it just paused in the middle of the song [ and my laptop has no malfunctions and its quite new ] . Still trying to stay calm I thought no more of it . As it reached nighttime I started getting bored of being on the internet and decided to turn it off . Then I got out a notebook and started drawing some cartoons . I drew little angels with happy faces on [ I don 't know why I drew these I was just bored ] and I wanted to add a little color to them so I went to get some colored pencils from my drawers . When I laid back down on my bed I saw the faces of the angels were erased and replaced with the innocent expressions I drew were mean faces , faces dripping with blood , and to me they looked like little devils . I stared at my drawing in shock as I found something scrawled on the top of the page but in handwriting so sloppy it was hard to read but [ I 'm sorry for the word I 'm gonna use ] it spelled " bitch " . Grabbing the paper and crumbling it up I threw it away . I felt quite uncomfortable . I should be honest now before I continue that a couple days ago I played a Ouija board at my friend 's house and the demon we contacted [ it was a demon because it insulted us and even told us he wasn 't good ] called me a bitch because I told it to go away , that it was getting annoying . Well back to the story I decided to let my cat in the house so I didn 't feel so alone [ my mom went to visit her sister and my dad went along too ] and my brother was at a soccer field playing with is friends and I stayed home because I had to take the cake outta the oven soon and I had to make sure it didn 't burn [ it was for some invited guests that were coming the next day and we wanted to make the cake sooner ] so as I let Lucy in [ my cat ] she followed me to my room . I was on the laptop again , this time talking to my boyfriend [ we go to the same school yay ] and I told him the strange stuff that happened and he just said it was all in my head . But I know that wasn 't the case . It was something more , something that wants to hurt me I wasn 't sure . But I knew that it was pure evil . I turned off the laptop after a few minutes of talking to him and I checked the cake . It was done , and as I took it out I heard a voice in my head say " throw away the cake make your parents mad " I looked all around me . No one was there . I heard it again " I will watch you as you sleep I will be in your room " . Properly putting away the cake I ran to my room and went on my bed and hugged my cat . She laid by my side and started to purr until I felt a heavy presence in the room and my cat 's eyes darted from here to there to every part of my room until she reached my wardrobe and then she stood up and hissed at it . Calming her down she continued to hiss . About an hour later or so my parents came home along with my brother . The cat finally calm and asleep on my bed I decided to go to sleep too . Not saying anything to anyone knowing they wouldn 't believe me and would think I was crazy I didn 't wanna tell them . It was 3 : 30 a . m that I woke up to a raspy laugh . The same laugh I heard before when talking to my friend on the phone . This time a little louder . I began to feel a little worried as I closed my eyes shut to drown out that horrible laugh it stopped . Then I saw something at the foot of my bed . Tall , lanky , a dark figure with white claws stained with something red . Two big piercing red eyes and short pointed teeth . It grinned in such a creepy and terrifying way a grin that left me wide eyed with terror too scared to even scream . I closed my eyes and hoped it would go away . Since I wasn 't so religious like my friend or even my family praying wouldn 't really help me . Or would it ? I didn 't care at that moment as I slowly opened my eyes and it was gone . Only to find it right next to my bed . Its long pointed fingers started wrapping around my neck then moving down to my leg and with one claw scratched my leg and it was so very painful as if someone ran over my leg . Then it grabbed my hair and inched it 's face close to mine observing and feeling pleased at how terrified I looked . I couldn 't take it anymore and screamed Jesus in it 's face and kept repeating it until the thing screeched and disappeared into my wardrobe and turning on my light I started crying and looking at the scratch . It was a pretty long scratch and bleeding too . I went to the bathroom , washed it , then went back to sleep with the light on . The next day I told my parents what happened and even showed them the scratch but not telling them I played the Ouija board they were a bit skeptical about it but decided I might have dreamed it and as for the scratch they thought I probably feel on something and scratched myself [ as I am a really clumsy person ] I didn 't even feel like arguing . I was so mad they didn 't believe me and I don 't know what to do . What if it attacks me again ? We began asking questions like , " what is the name of the boy I am going to marry ? " and other teenage " girl " questions . We would receive partial messages back , only spelling the initial of the person and such like that . Then the words S - T - O - P were spelled out . We asked who was speaking to us and it spelled out , G - R - A - N - D - M - A . It was the deceased grandmother of my friend Rebecca . My friend became so spooked that we ended the session quickly and took the board to the beach and burned it . My friend , who was " sensitive " had a very bad feeling come over her when her grandmother came through the Ouija board , that she knew it was her and that she was giving us a warning . Ouija boards , although portrayed as a game are really NO GAME ! I know there are others out there who haven 't had a bad experience , the only thing I can say is that you are lucky . It is , indeed , a portal for dark spirits to pass through from their world into ours . Of course , you will encounter passive and benign spirits as well , but would you want to risk it ? There are many other more safe ways to contact a deceased loved one , preferably an experienced Medium , or such as that . Only thing I can say , is that there are many stories on here , with many warning about Ouija boards . BE CAREFUL ! Know that you have been warned , and even though your first , second or even third experience may be benign , chances are , the more you play , the greater the risk will be that , at some point , you will encounter a dark entity . Please , think twice , three times , or better yet , DON ' T THINK ABOUT PLAYING AT ALL ! Just don 't say you were not warned . It all started in late September 2010 . I was getting a paranormal group together and met a guy who was interested . We went to a couple " haunted locations " and began to talk about Ouija boards . We purchased one at target and started playing that same night . We got lots of movement from the board but nothing substantial . Anyways , I started to play by myself at my over night babysitting job . I would soon regret it . I would play sometimes all night and scare myself almost to death . One night I was cleaning at work and I heard an infant cry ( the kid I watch is 5 and he does not sound like a baby ) it was very weird and the cry was coming from the living room . It was amazing how vivid yet faint the cry sounded . One night at work I was sleeping on the couch and I had a dream that seemed disturbingly real . In the dream , I rose up from the couch and went into Jesse 's room ( the kid I watched ) and right next to the bed there was a black shadow , I could not see its eyes but I knew it was staring straight in mine . I rushed out and as I was leaving a loud , gurgling moan followed me . I ran to the front door and all the locks were gone and there was no way out . Running around the room , I stopped at the dinner table and there was the Ouija board ripped in half with bite marks . So I ran back to the couch and all I could see was a green little light bouncing at my feet and on the carpe t - I woke up and cried hysterically . A couple hours later at around 3 - 3 : 15 am I heard the loudest noise outside . A lady knocked at the door and informed me that my parked car has been hit , my car is totaled . The driver was drunk and speeding . This experience really got me believing in the Lord , Jesus Christ . One more thing , A couple weeks after the ordeal I was taking a bath and my soap dish rattled and shook all by itself . I still to this day have the urge to play with the board and even had dreams about the board ending up back in my hands . Oh God help me . Stay away from the occult , it will haunt you and send you to Hell . I would like to tell you what happened to me when I was 16 . I worked at a hotel and my coworker invited me to her house to watch movies with my boyfriend . So I went and we watched a movie , do not remember what it was , and then she asked if I wanted to play a game . My boyfriend said he had to go so I stayed . She brought out a Ouija board and I told her that I had heard bad stories about using them and did not want to play . And she put it away . The next day at work she started , " come on please play it with me . I really do not want to use it alone , " and she kept begging me so I went to her house and we started messing with it . It started to move and I looked at her and said stop it you are moving it . She looked at me and said no I 'm not I promise . And it started writing IT IS SO DARK HERE IT IS SO COLD I DON ' T LIKE IT HERE . And I ask it who are you ? And it said ITS ME LEONA . Let me tell you I flipped out I started cussing her and telling her don 't ever play like that with me and I mean it . She looked at me and said what Mechelle ? I didn 't do anything . And then I had time to think and I looked at her and started to cry . She said what is it ? I looked at her and said how did you know her name ? She looked at me and said who 's name and I said my great grandma 's . She said Michelle think about it you never told me about your great grandma . I looked at her in shock and I had never spoken to her about her and then and there I was hooked . I wanted to play every day and we did until one day there was this guy at work and he worked on my floor he kept bringing me black roses and he started saying strange things and he told me that he did not worship God that the devil gave him everything he wanted . And he said that the devil promised him me and that he would have me soon so it really freaked me out . So when I went to her house I played and I , thinking that the ghost was my great grandma asked it was it true that the devil could give him all he wanted . And it said YES THE DEVIL COULD GIVE HIM ALL HE WANTED AND THAT HE WOULD COME TO ME IN MY DREAMS AND HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME . This scared the crap out of me because she would have never told me that like that so I asked who is this ? It said I AM THE MAN WHO LURKS IN THE DARK I AM SATANAS . And again I freaked out and threw the board and told her to keep it away from me . I am telling you from that day on it has been hard for me . It is like they call to me in the stores its like they want me to pick them up but I fight it . My friend came to me a few days later crying and trying to give me the board and I told her I was sorry that I was not going to take it and she told me that she had tried to get rid of it and she could not she had tried to burn it and it would not burn . She threw it in the garbage bin and someone would bring it back in . Then she told me that her ex husband had stolen it from a high priest of Satan and when she found out that he worshiped the devil she had divorced him but had kept the board and one more time I freaked out and said she should have told me about it before she made me use it . She begged me to forgive her and said the only way to get rid of it was to give it to someone else and it had told her about me going to work with her and how she could get me to want to use it and that she would be able get rid of it by giving it to me . But it had changed its mind and it just wanted to see if it could tempt me and see if I was weak . Never the less I told her to STAY AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN . One night when I spent the night at a friends house we found a Ouija board . My friend requested that we played it and so we did . Before we started my friend went over the rules about it . Then my friends sister and her boyfriend came down and asked if they could play so we let them . Then we started . The first question we asked was " Are there any spirits in this house ? " But we all knew there were . The Ouija triangle pointed to yes . Then we asked " how many ghosts are in this house ? " The Ouija board went from 5 to 7 . We didn 't know if it was either 5 or 7 but there is a possibility that it could of been 57 . Next we asked " is there any way to see you or know one is here ? " Then it went straight to goodbye . That very night me and my friend were laying down when we heard a little girls voice . It was a faint voice so we barely understood it . We didn 't really care because we thought it was my friends niece playing with her Barbie 's . But then we heard that voice again at 2 : 00 in the morning . We weren 't asleep because we all were watching a movie . When we heard it that time I asked my friend if her niece was still awake and she told us " no she goes to bed at like 11 : 00 . " Then we all went to go see what it was . We went into her living room and saw a small dark shadow , we got a little closer to check if it was real . We still couldn 't see it . Then we thought it was just our imagination since we really tired so we all went to sleep . That morning we heard the phone ring . My friend answered it and the person on the other line was yelling saying that prank calling isn 't funny and demonic voices are not appropriate for us kids . Then my friend asked what was she talking about . The lady said that someone called her house at 5 : 00 in the morning from that phone with a demonic voice saying that she should watch were she sleeps and that it was gonna get her . Then my friend told her that we were all asleep by 2 : 00 and the lady just kept on yelling . Still to this day we don 't know what had gone on that night . Who was that girl and who or what called that lady . We try to forget it but we think about it whenever we all stay the night there . Me and my friends are obsessed with Ouija . So one night we decided to play it at my friend Lauren 's house . Like we do almost every time we go over there . We started playing around midnight . The spirit we had gotten said it was a ' haunter ' meaning it followed you around until you got another spirit . We stopped after it started cussing at us . We had all went into her bathroom and we were playing around with Bump - its . After I had put it in my hair . We decided to go play again . I took it out of my hair and set it down on the counter . We went back into Lauren 's room turned off the lights , re - lit the candles and started playing again . The haunter we had earlier was back . . . we took our hands off and the piece moved off the board onto the carpet . Since no one had touched it we turned on the lights and the bump - it had been next to me . Another time we played it at her house we had gotten the same ghost again , we had a two liter of sprite outside the door , and the haunter threw something in the room . we ran out and found the sprite bottle had been knocked over and leaked all over the floor . We checked the cap and it was still as tight as we left it . The night before Halloween , me and Lauren had played , around 11 : 50 pm . we noticed that when it was 12 the spirit had disappeared and hadn 't answered our question . Another spirit had come claiming that it was ' the devil ' . I told the board that this had to be fake and it told me to ' go to hell ' about 5 times , pointed to 6 three times , called me a bitch and then left . Those are my true Ouija stories . it was really scary to experience that . It was New Years eve and me and my three other friends decided to play the Ouija Board . We got it out and started to play . It was pitch black . We asked it stupid questions but nothing seemed to work . My friend then sat up and yelled " this b . s these things don 't work " We ended up getting into a huge fight over the Ouija board . We put it towards good bye to close our session . Later on that night after my friend who didn 't believe in the Ouija Board had fallen asleep . My two friends and I got out the board . We asked it if there was spirit and the glass went to yes . We then asked it its name , how they were killed , how old they were , and who killed them . The board told us her name was Allie and she was murdered by her brother when she was 10 . My friend thought it would be funny to ask her if she lived in the house with me . The glass quickly moved to yes . Then the glass started to move to the four corners of the board . I remembered reading that if that were to ever happen to move the glass to goodbye before it reached the 4th corner . We moved it to goodbye then put the board away for the night . The next day when it was only me and my friend Bridget left we decided to take out the Ouija board . We asked to speak to Allie and we just talked to her about her life when she was alive . After a little while of playing with the board I started to get the feeling that i was being stabbed in my stomach . I freaked out and asked her to stop . It went away after a good 5 minutes . Then my friend thought it would be so cool to ask if they could show us a sign . We then heard Scratching at the walls . I started to freak out and quickly ended the session . I turned on the lights and saw scratches all over the walls . My stomach started to get the stabbing feeling again . I lifted up my shirt to see i had scratches all over my body . It was a rainy Friday midnight , and I was sleeping over at my friend Lucy 's house . It was a sleepover party and two of my other friends were there , Susan and Paige . It was starting to get bored , and we were all sprawled out on the couches , trying to fall asleep . Lucy pointed out that she couldn 't sleep and we all agreed , so we ran around the house looking for something to do , then . . . Lucy found an Ouija board under the couch . She set it down on the floor , and Susan and Paige giggled and sat down beside her to play with it . Me ? I watched from upstairs , shaking , covered in a blanket , and holding a nerf gun . Oh , that Ouija board gave me the creeps as soon as Lucy shoved it in my face , and I refused to play with it . . . They began asking silly questions like which boys in the class liked them and what were they going to eat tomorrow morning and if pink looked good on them . Even though I was still a little creeped out , I was starting to get relieved , and started to fall asleep , still holding my nerf gun . I heard all 3 of the girls gasp , and I blinked and opened my eyes . Paige turned around and screamed at me , ' ' WE ASKED HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE IN THIS ROOM , AND THEY SAID 5 ! ' ' I blinked and realized that there was someone else in the room with us ! Lucy squeaked and said she was scared , and started clinging to Paige . I stood up wrapped in my blanket , and scanned the room . Suddenly , something clawed my back before pushing me down the stairs . I fell face first and fainted . When I woke up , I was surrounded by my mom , Paige , Lucy , Susan , my dad , and the girl 's moms . They said I had jumped down the stairs and fainted , and I knew that I didn 't slip , I didn 't trip , and I sure as hell did not jump myself . Something pushed me , and I had the claw marks on my back to prove it . For 2 years , Lucy had been haunted by a demon , and no matter what she and her family tried , nothing worked . Paige and Susan were also haunted . I 'm still glad I never even touched the board . Eventually , the demons that had haunted Paige and Susan went away . But Lucy kept getting haunted , and I still don 't know what had haunted her exactly , all I know is that it had killed her . That happened years ago and it still scares me . And as I 'm typing , the pieces of a broken Ouija board are sitting around my feet . My brother had gone and bought an Ouija board , without even knowing what it is capable of . I swear there is something wrong with my family . Well , as cheesy as that may have sounded , this is the truth , and I 've written all I want to write . Jadey out . It all started in late September 2010 . I was getting a paranormal group together and met a guy who was interested . We went to a couple " haunted locations " and began to talk about Ouija boards . We purchased one at target and started playing that same night . We got lots of movement from the board but nothing substantial . My paranormal friend ended up in jail for having sex with a 14 year old girl and moving from Florida to Michigan to be with her ( he met her on my space ) . I was grossed out and could not believe I played the Ouija with a pedophile . Anyways , I started to play by myself at my over night babysitting job . I would soon regret it . I would play sometimes all night and scare myself almost to death . One night I was cleaning at work and I heard an infant cry ( the kid I watch is 5 and he does not sound like a baby ) it was very weird and the cry was coming from the living room . It was amazing how vivid yet faint the cry sounded . Still my I played with the Ouija board and I began to realize I was talking to bad spirits - the board was calling me nasty names and saying I was going to die . I told myself I was done with the board . One night at work I was sleeping on the couch and I had a dream that seemed disturbingly real . In the dream , I rose up from the couch and went into Jesse 's room ( the kid I watched ) and right next to the bed there was a black shadow , I could not see its eyes but I knew it was staring straight in mine . I rushed out and as I was leaving a loud , gurgling moan followed me . I ran to the front door and all the locks were gone and there was no way out . Running around the room , I stopped at the dinner table and there was the Ouija board ripped in half with bite marks . So I ran back to the couch and all I could see was a green little light bouncing at my feet and on the carpet - I woke up and cried hysterically . A couple hours later at around 3 - 3 : 15 am I heard the loudest noise outside . A lady knocked at the door and informed me that my parked car has been hit , my car is totaled . The driver was drunk and speeding . This experience really got me believing in the Lord , Jesus Christ . One more thing , a couple weeks after the ordeal I was taking a bath and my soap dish rattled and shook all by itself . I still to this day have the urge to play with the board and even had dreams about the Ouija board ending up back in my hands . Oh God help me . Stay away from the occult , it will haunt you and send you to hell . We turned off the light , lit 5 candles , and made a circle around the Ouija board , holding hands , until we were ready to start . All of us placed our fingertip 's on the plate , Then jenny asked " is there someone here " , All of a sudden the plate stared moving to the YES sign , We all looked at each other laughing at first because we thought one of each other was moving the plate , Then jenny asked another question , " Do you know the nickname of jenny 's brother Tracy " ? Again the plate went to YES , Then jenny asked " What is his nickname can you tell us " ? Spelling out POOKIE " , I never told my friends what my brother 's nickname was so I was kinda scared but not as much . Then we continued asking another question , Jenny asked , " Is Tracy in this room " ? All of a sudden the plate moved to " YES " fast , and one by one the candles blew out , How ? there was no wind , no window 's , and we were all looking at each other the whole time , We all started screaming , I was the first one to run from the room , and ran up to jenny 's stepdad and asked him to take me home , He said why ? what 's wrong ? what happened ? We could never tell any parent 's because they told us not to play with the Ouija board . I 'll never know till this day , Was it my brother ? , Was he trying to tell me something when the candles blew out ? Maybe to stop playing the Ouija board ? I don 't know , But that was the most scariest experience in my life . . . Maybe be hard to believe but I know it was True I was there and my friends were to . . . . After that happened jenny 's mother made her throw it away , we were bummed , but I guess you never know what spirit you will get from the Ouija board . Sent in by jenny , Copyright 2011 Next to come through was my great aunt who wanted us to let my Nan ( her sister who isn 't well at the moment ) know she is with her and she hears her talking to her all the time we said we would pass on the message she also wanted her husband to know she loves him . She said goodbye then and another spirit came through , a male wanting to speak to my mum . He said they are related through my granddads side of the family , never got to the bottom of that as he was suddenly interrupted by a much stronger spirit taking over the board . My mum asked who it was the answer was now going to get very weird it said Amy 's sister . Amy is my daughter she has two brothers but no sister . Thing is that on Christmas eve 05 when I was 8 weeks pregnant with Amy I started bleeding heavily . I thought I 'd lost the baby it wasn 't until I had no period that I called my midwife who sent me for a scan to reveal one healthy baby I was now 13 weeks pregnant . At my 16 week midwife check I was finally told there was a chance I 'd lost a twin it was never 100 % though . My mum asked the spirit for her mums name my name was given then we asked for her dads name my ex boyfriends name was given . My mum asked how old she was when she died she said 0 but she 's 4 now just like my Amy . I asked then if she is Amy 's twin she said yes . I asked her if she has a name she spelt out Lilly a nickname for my daughter when she was little , she spelt out I love you mummy . I told her I loved her too and I began to cry as its quite sad knowing that I did definitely lose a baby but at the same time I was happy she was ok , the Ouija board then said be happy and then goodbye . We decided to stop then as the board had been closed down anyway and it was getting late . Today when my little girl woke up its weird thinking there should be two of her . I know its silly to be upset over a baby you didn 't know you lost but I do feel upset when I look at my daughter although glad I have her . Thanks Missy My brother , who is 13 , and I ( I 'm 17 ) made our own Ouija board a few nights ago . We decided since the last time we had a Ouija board and it wasn 't used properly ( we had to throw BOTH of them away because they BOTH kept the same demons coming back and we had a bad experience with them ) we decided we 'd put all these positive things on it . We put three crosses on it and for our two bottom corners , we put a heart and a star with each element on a point on the corners instead of what is normally seen . We figured if you made it more positive , nothing totally bad would happen . We recorded our sessions with headphones for a computer so we knew who said what . We were down in my brother 's room with it first with some sodas . We left the cans down there and didn 't touch them after we finished them . When we contacted George , he called me the most insulting names you could think of . I asked why he was doing that and he said " I HATE YOU BOTH " . We said goodbye immediately . We went back to the recording and in the recording , when I asked who it was , you heard in a man 's crackly voice something along the lines of " Help " . Then you heard it again when we asked if it was Anna , a spirit we were previously talking to and he said " No it 's not Anna . " Then you don 't hear it for the rest of the recording . Also , since it was a recording , there was no picture for it but while we were doing a playback , a black and white picture came up of a lady having her hand on her cheek . " Hikaru " was the next one . When I said hello , it spelled " HELLO BEAUTIFUL " . When I asked who it was , at first it said " HOST CLUB MEMBERS " and I got suspicious because that 's what one of my friend 's and my favorite shows . I asked who I was talking to and it flew to spell out " HIKARU " . It kept asking me to date it and it scared me a little bit . I knew that wasn 't this thing 's real name . I told the spirit I didn 't believe it and it said " I ' LL GIVE YOU A KISS ON THE CHEEK I ' LL MAKE SURE ITS WET TO PROVE I ' M HIKARU . " I didn 't really say anything and before I know it , my cheek felt cold and soaked ! I had my brother touch it , he said he didn 't feel it get wet , but he felt it get very cold . That didn 't prove anything other than that this spirit gives very sloppy kisses . The coldness wore off right after we got the spirit to leave us alone after trying 2 times . The dogs started barking hysterically at that point . We didn 't think anything of it at first , but this detail is important for later on . When we listened to our recording , we heard banging we didn 't hear during the session . It only did it once or twice . The last one was William . Through out the whole conversation , it seemed fine . When we went back to the recording however , it was different . When I asked who it was , a man with a British accent said " William . " I asked if he was good and you heard him again saying " Yes . " I asked him if he was going to say mean names to us and in the recording you hear him again saying " What . " I asked something else but I couldn 't understand my own voice but you could hear his clear as day saying " We 're on the say day and the same month . " I didn 't ask anything about dates . Later on , I asked something about my sister and you hear him say " You 're it . " I don 't know who he was referring to , but it 's still creepy . Then , he or someone else , since it didn 't sound like him , said something that didn 't sound like English . It sounded like croaking . You can tell whatever it was was saying something , you just couldn 't understand it . William also said something like " Three different ___ " We don 't know the last word yet and are still looking into it . Through out the rest of it , you hear croaks . Once we were done , my brother went down to his room . He rushed back up to me in a panic and said " My soda can was crushed ! It 's on its side and crushed ! " He was frightened so we camped out in the living room . Ever since we used it in my room , the cat scratches at the same spot on the same corner of my wall and stares at it . This isn 't the most thrilling story ever , but it 's very true and it proves no matter what you do , you need to take so many precautions when messing with a Ouija board . I hope you liked it ! Sent in by Keri , Copyright 2011 Michael , Sara , Morgan , and myself said " what could possibly go wrong ? " You gotta hate when you really mess yourself up with such a line . We open the board up sat in a circle around it . We asked " Are there any spirits that would like to talk ? " Nothing happened for a minute . Sara said " this is st - - " and immediately the arrow moved to W - A - I - T ! We asked for its name . It responded A - L - E - X - A - N - D - E - R . I let Morgan ask the next question . " Do you know how we will all die ? " Michael hissed back at her " NEVER ask questions like that its just asking for bad things to happen ! " The pointer jerked to YES ! Michael nearly whimpered in fear . I asked the spirit if it could help us . It slowly pulled towards no , then spelled out H - U - R - T . The others let go as I held on to the pointer . It felt as if I was pulling a hundred pounds . I grunted out the words " Put your damn hands back on the pointer and help me move it to goodbye ! " Thankfully they did . We sighed with relief . Sara turned to me and asked if I was alright . I replied " Ha . . . I think so . " As we turned the lights on Morgan said " Looks like you got a little mark on your back . " I shrugged and pulled up my shirt and asked " Is it a bug bite or something ? " Sara then let out a low gasp , I asked " What 's wrong ? " She rasped out that 's no bug bite , it looks like you just got mauled by a cougar . Puzzled a went to the bathroom and looked at my back in the mirror . As it happened there were multiple 6 - 7 inch long scars running from my shoulder blades to my mid back . I asked them to go pick up the box that Ouija board is in , as were gonna burn that sucker . Michael said " ill go get it " He came back up with hands trembling . We threw the damn box in the fireplace and then said a prayer . I 'm guessing we should have done that in the first place . I agree with this post I just read here on the Ouija board . I myself have tried to post online warning everyone not to even buy one , don 't have it in your home , or be near one . And why would anyone purchase one from someone else or off eBay ? You are inviting and taking on that karma and that evil that entered from the person who is selling it . WAKE UP people . This is not a game . EVERYTHING THAT COMES FROM THAT BOARD . . . . EVERYTHING IS EVIL . PURE EVIL . THERE IS NOTHING GOOD THAT WILL COME THROUGH THE GATES OR DOORWAY THROUGH THAT BOARD . IT IS A DOORWAY TO HELL , TO THE UNSEEN WORLD . . . . AND IT IS VERY HARD TO CLOSE THAT DOOR ONCE IT IS OPENED AND EVEN HARDER TO GET RID OF WHAT YOU LET IN . ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT SAYS IT IS A WOODEN BOARD ; YOU ARE FULL OF IT ! IT IS REAL AND IT IS NOT A GAME . THERE SHOULD NO REASON WHAT SO EVER FOR ANYONE TO WANT TO TOUCH IT . IN COLLEGE , MY FRIENDS AND I PLAYED WITH ONE AND AFTER THAT , . . . . WE NEVER TOUCHED IT AGAIN . ALL THROUGH THE YEARS . . . . 25 YEARS OF IT . . . . IT HAD AFFECTED MY LIFE AND THEIRS TOO . UNTIL I HAD RECENTLY BEEN REALLY CLOSE TO GOD AND CLEANSED MYSELF . Please , this is not a game and I hope I am scaring you because it is serious . If you have one , get rid of it ! cut it up into 7 pieces and bury it deep in the ground ! Is there anything we can do people here ? is there some way we can get together on this and see what can be done to remove this board from the market ? I am very serious . It is not a game ! I am terrified , literally for all the people out there who are so naive about this and who refuse to listen . This is not a game . It is very real and very serious ! Sent in by DD When my granddad died , me and my mam went to live with my grandma , I was 12 and got roped into doing Ouija board with my mam and a cousin . It was a home made board , cut out letters and a shot glass on a dining room table . I had no idea it would even work , I still try to think of it as unreal now . Its like I 'm looking back at a horror story that has been on TV a work of fiction . I slept in with my mam one night after she had found some boxes shredded to bits on top of her wardrobe . We were just about to go to sleep and the blanket was ripped off the bed by the bottom corner on my side . I was terrified . I kept the blanket in my teeth till I fell asleep . I understand the Ouija board is a fools game , so dangerous , and really I 'd like to make sense of what happened . I 'm 28 now and never had any strange occurrences since . I often do think back to what happened , and it chills me to the bone . About two weeks ago my mom bought a Ouija board offline . This was before she knew anything " bad " about it . Well we tried it the next night and I was amazed at how cool it worked . I didn 't know that 'd be the turning point for me . The next day I tried it out with one of my friends , then the following day with another friend . Eventually that Friday , I used it with the same friend ( I will call her " Shawna " ) . Last Friday when I went with some friends to a basketball game , walking up to my house we were followed by this weird dude with a white t shirt and blue jeans and black hair . He walked very strangely . . . Before I knew it , after my friends left weird things started happening in my RV so I thought it was a ghost . So the next Friday when I was using it with Shawna , we asked the age of the spirit . It spelled out " 18 " and I was beginning to freak out . We asked if it was a girl or boy . . . It said boy . I asked him if it was the guy that followed us last week and was living in my RV since then , and it went to yes . So we then asked if he had any unfinished business and if it had to do with me and Shawna . It said yes , then spelled out bwsw . I asked if those were our initials and it again went to yes . We asked for our ages and it spelled the correct numbers . " yes . " and from there we were scared and confused . We had sat there for an hour and ten minutes and our legs were cramping up . The board tilted off our knees and the planchette started turning different ways , tangling our fingers . It counted down the last 8 or so letters of the alphabet . When we asked to leave it went from the same two letters : k and m back and forth back and forth . We said goodbye and we would try to contact it another day . My mom began worrying about my mood and how I became more stressed . I told her it wasn 't the board but other things . She kept the board from me till Monday . Me and Shawna planned to use it that day . We waited until it got darker so our special 18 year old spirit would be around . When we were about to , my mom was awake from her daily work nap . She said we were supposed to use it RIGHT after school and for an hour only . But I didn 't remember that . So I burst out crying and she was yelling " THE DEVIL HAS GOT YOUR CRINGE ! " and I didn 't know what she meant . She threatened to send the board back and even burn it . I told her it was the worst thing she could do . I felt like I was dying , like my heart was being taken away from me . The days following I became very depressed . When I heard my mom sent the Ouija board to someone else , I cried when I was alone . I wished desperately for the spirit to show me a sign it was here . I wrote him a letter too but no reply . I began thinking I could never let go of the board . It grew so attached to me and it wouldn 't let me go . There was some part of me that kept me from helping myself . My friends told me to let go . I would lay in bed , telling myself to let go . And immediately after something else told me , " how could you think that ? ! You can 't forget about the board ! How dare you say that ! " I thought I was possessed but deep down I wanted to be . I began wearing a rubber band that I felt like would keep my sad side stuck with me . The demon side I 'll call it . Last night , I told myself I never wanted to let the board go and I didn 't want to forget it or let anyone make me forget it . . . So I cut the word " Ouija " on my arm . I didn 't draw blood , I just scratched it on so it was visible and red . I wanted a scar . When I was done I felt satisfied . Those same days I began painting my nails black , tearing all my posters off my walls and putting up words I wrote that said what I felt about the Ouija board . Then when I told my mom about the cut , she smothered me in sage , shaking my head and saying " all evil spirits go away " and other stuff . She chased me down with a sharpie to write a cross on my arm and back . And I fought back because if there was a spirit , I didn 't want it to leave . For some reason I wanted it to stay with me . But she got away . Now I 'm hoping I stay with the spirits . I hope I get another Ouija board . I don 't know how long I can move on . . . I feel like I need the board . I 'm obsessed with it ! ! ! I will fight the sage and cross if I have to . I love the Ouija board no matter how evil it is . Hi , my name is Jennifer . I used to play with the Ouija board and will never play it again . Me , my best friend , and her sister started watchi . . . I 'm Karin and I 'm 19 . I 've recently moved into an older home with my best friend and her dog . The first two weeks we moved in . . . This is a very true story . I always thought the Ouija board was a bunch of crap until it happened to me . Not trying to scare anyone , but r . . . |
Today I was reading a friend 's facebook status . He was posting about the recent death of a friend 's father from lung cancer . The friend was giving away stuff after and gave him some packs of his dad 's cigarettes . As he put it , dripping with nicotine and irony , he was smoking a dead man 's cigarettes . Addicts are funny that way . I probably would have done it , and felt creepy about it , but done it anyway . Because addicts will do just about anything for that addiction . We will justify whatever we need to do or say to get it . It 's been nine years . Nine years . And I don 't want a cigarette when I used to want to cut off a body part to get one . But now it makes me curl my lip and turn away . I hate them . Hate the smell , hate being around them . It 's not as bad when I 'm outside with the smokers but generally the smell just nauseates me . How did I get this way ? From a die hard pack a day smoker with a heck of an addiction to someone who loathes the sight of them . . . I had long and difficult realizations about how much cigarettes , the evil monkey , controlled my life and told me what to do and when to do it . It was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life , quitting for good . But when I made the decision , I was able to stay with it and be done . Finally . Because I quit like four or five times before , but it had not been a permanent thing . It 's a mind set shift . My final quit went like this . . . I was pregnant so I HAD to quit . I did it every time I was pregnant but I knew this time that this was my last pregnancy so I may as well quit for good . I had a pain in my chest every time I inhaled and I knew this was only going to get worse . And even though I was pregnant and didn 't want to be forced to quit , I knew inside that it was time . And that if I went back after I had the baby , it would be totally stupid . Get it done now . I gave myself about two weeks to quit and I tried the whole . . . okay all the cigarettes are gone but it just did not work . I became neurotic as hell and went out and bought more . Even though I was only smoking one or two a day at the end , just the safety net of knowing I could get to them seemed to calm me . So , I tried to get through one day without them , just set a goal of one day . I kept about five cigarettes in my bedside drawer . Just in case I was losing my mind . I counted the hours away from them . Told myself I could make it one hour , then one day , then one week . I forgot about them , eventually . I had been telling myself in my head every negative thing in the world that they had done for me . I smiled at the thought of going on an airplane and not thinking about them the whole time . Flying all the way to Australia without a nicotine fit . Not having to step outside in the snow and cold to smoke . The thought of my hair smelling sweet again . Waking up in the morning and not coughing for ten minutes . Not having to leave the party and the conversation I was enjoying . Finishing my thoughts without the monkey nagging at me . Being able to smell fresh cookies baking and the subtle scent of flowers in the next room . I thought to myself , what am I giving up but prison ? I am giving up monkey jail . I am taking back my life , my freedom , the person I am , not the person I am with cigarettes . I no longer need them to feel less shy , less awkward , more cool . It was me there all the time , not them . I found those cigarettes in the drawer some years later and I laughed and tossed them out . Because I no longer needed them , no longer wanted them . That quit was nine years ago . I have zero desire to have a cigarette . No temptation . And I realized that what I really found in all of this was ME . This is why I don 't drink really . Because I enjoy being my authentic self . Because I am fun , I am lively , I am enough . But somehow I did not know I was enough when I was a kid and I used cigarettes to ease the awkwardness , to fit in , to have something to do with my hands and to mask the confidence I did not have . I had to find a way to change me . To find me . To convince me that I was worth saving all on my own . I would never let anyone boss me around like cigarettes did . When I realized that , I was free . I know it is over for good now . I love that . But I also know that others have to find their own path . At first , I tried to share this miracle secret . It worked for me , it will work for you . Hmmm , probably not so much . People have to find their own path to everything important and personal . If this story helps someone , I do hope it does but I realize now that my method was not the ultimate cure for anyone but me . I think the first thing that you should know is that , my mom was awesome . Really awesome . And all of you that knew her knew what a great sense of humor she had . She was so funny and she loved to laugh . I would come over to her house meaning to just drop something off and we would end up in the kitchen having tea and just laughing and telling stories . I told my mother everything . My husband would call and say where are you ? And I would tell him I was with my mother and he knew he wasn 't going to see me for a few hours . My mother left me a lot of beautiful memories for a lifetime of stories . I can only share some of them with you here today but I will be talking about my mother for the rest of my days . She was the first person I loved , the first person I smiled for and to say that I adored her is an understatement . She will always be my heroine . My mother told me a lot of stories growing up about her mother , her grandmother and all the really amazing women in her family and her life . Her stories were so vibrant that even if I had not met these people , her words always left me with pictures in my head . She would always say to me " Vanessa , you inherited all of my vices and none of my virtues . " and then she would smile , because I think she was quite proud I inherited her strong will . You see , my mother was always quite determined , and when she got a thing in our head , she would find a way , even in the rest of the world was not quite sure she should . My favorite memories will always be coming in to her bedroom at night and getting in bed with her while she had her evening ice cream . She used to share the ice cream bowl with her favorite cats , who would wait at the end of the bed until she was done and then lick the bowl . Her favorite cats were never the easy , friendly ones . She loved the difficult cats who did not always come to you , but when they chose you , they loved you completely . My mother always appreciated a bargain , a coupon or gem of a thing underpriced at a flea market . She taught me to haggle and she taught me to walk away if the price was too high . But mostly , she understood the value of things , and she knew the value of joy in what you loved was not a thing to be taken for granted . My mother loved opera , cats and chocolate . Not necessarily in that order . And she loved to travel . Many times , I traveled with her and she took me to the most wonderful places but the times I did not get to go , she always brought me something . The souvenirs were lovely but the best thing she brought home were stories . Once I asked my mother what she would do if she won the lottery . She smiled and told me " I will never win the lottery because I don 't gamble . I learned my lesson a long time ago about gambling . " and of course , there was a story to come with that . Once when she was quite young , she and some friends went out to Coney Island for the day and they ended up doing some gambling . My mother bet it all and lost it . Her friends ended up leaving and she got into an argument with the boy she was with and he left . There she was , alone without any money or way to get home and in quite a fix . In desperation , she combed the beach for empty bottles to turn in for enough change to catch the subway and after a long time , she had enough . As she was riding home on the subway , she told me , she made a deal with God . She promised she would never gamble again if God would arrange for her to have an opera ticket whenever she really needed one . And God kept his part of the bargain . She always got an opera ticket when she needed one . Even the most extraordinarily difficult tickets to get . My mother always found a way . When she first heard that The Three Tenors were going to do a concert in Italy in 1990 , I could feel her excitement and I knew this was a concert she simply had to attend . That concert was going to be magic and tickets were brutally difficult to come by . In the first round of sales , she was not able to get one . By sheer coincidence , my mother had gotten a grant to go to Italy that summer and do research , so that was the beginning of the stars aligning . On faith alone , and without a ticket in hand , she traveled to the ancient Baths of Caracella and was lodged in a nearby convent . A woman named Laine was there with her daughter and they did not have tickets either . Laine had gotten a tip earlier in the day of a woman who had two tickets for sale and she invited my mother to go with her , but alas there were only two tickets and not three . Still , my mother did not give up , she spent all day looking and asking and finally , she ended up sitting and waiting at the box office hours before the concert . Then , miraculously , a few tickets became available . Because she had been so kind to the woman at the box office , my mother was the first to be called over when the returns started coming in and she got her ticket at last . My mother came of college age in the 1950 's when America was telling women to stay home , be housewives and don 't think too much . But education was important to her . Hanging on the wall in Forsyth , Georgia are the diplomas of her grandmother , and her mother . So , she pursued a higher education in a time when women went to college to get their " MRS " degree and quit as soon as they would accomplish that goal . Though my mother had a lot of suitors , she met and married my father at Yale in her first year , but she never once considered giving up her education goals . She actually only missed one class when she was pregnant with my older brother and that was when she had to take the train to New York to give birth . The following semester , she returned to school and was called in to the office to discuss her scholarship . It had come to administrations attention that my mother had gotten married to my father , a fellow scholarship student , pursuing his degree in English . She was told that she was losing her scholarship . My mother was stunned . She couldn 't understand what she could have done . She was an A student . When she asked for a reason , she was told that administration no longer felt she needed the scholarship and that it should go to some young man who needed it to have a career and support a family . After all , she was told , it was unseemly for her to undermine her husband in this way , she was married , she did not need her education , she should now be supportive to her husband . My mother then asked " Am I being kicked out of the program ? " He said no , she was just losing her scholarship . She asked " If I find the money to pay for school , can I stay in the program ? " In my mind , I imagine the shocked look on the administrators face as he hears this question . And the answer . " Sure , if you can find the money , you can stay and finish . " In my mind , this man did not expect my mother to do it . But he did not know my mother very well . If you put a brick wall in front of my mother , she just found a way to climb it . And because my mother was who she was , she found a way . She worked two jobs and went to school full time , she got some help from her family and she finished her PhD , while raising my older brother . I cannot begin to tell you what this means to a little girl who happens to be her daughter . The day she told me that story , I knew my mother was magic . I knew that I held in me a piece of that magic and I knew that day that I would always find a way to reach my goals because she had . She had showed me that the impossible is sometimes possible anyway . As she stood beside me the day I graduated from college , I knew that I had found a way because she taught me not to give up on your education when you really wanted it . My mother loved us all fiercely and we loved her just as fiercely . An extraordinary woman . An extraordinary life . Recently , I spent two days working on a film for a guy I know who is a pretty talented film maker . I like his work , want to see him succeed and therefore I volunteered my time to help his film get made . I also donated to his crowdfunding campaign . Supporting local talent is important to me . I chose to be a production assistant for him for a couple days I had to give him that would not cost me a babysitter or anything but my time . I like and admire this filmmaker , he cares about his craft and I wanted very much to see how he worked . I did get the opportunity to learn about him , too and the way he works . This is all very useful and interesting to me to watch others practice their craft . There is always something to be learned and absorbed . I 've learned a few things about myself in that time as well . First , I 'm too experienced in this business to be a production assistant ( PA ) . It 's frustrating to me , but there were definite pros in this situation . It really is barely one step above extra in the process and while both roles are completely and utterly necessary , and very important , it 's hard for me to do for a number of reasons , which I will explain in a minute . But first , the positives , of which there are many . I 'm glad I did it . I got to watch the behind the scenes in a way from a point of view that I haven 't in a long time . I watched how people treated me . These are people I might hire later to work on my shoot . I want to know what they are like when they are not kissing the producer or director 's butt . How will they treat an extra or a lowly PA ? Not just to their face but behind doors when they think no one is listening . It 's kinda like being undercover boss . Oh , how much you can hear when no one thinks you care or are listening . Or everyone just kind of believes you are nobody . It was nice to be anonymous or , mostly anonymous on this shoot . A few people I have worked with . It 's enough to have some friendly faces and some good conversation . I got to talk with the actors , the crew and the extras , that is really nice . And it was a little humbling at the same time to see myself back in this position and view it in a different way . I haven 't been a fresh faced PA in a long time The funny part was I do a lot of this stuff on my own sets . When I produced a feature film last summer , I did a lot of cleaning up , a lot of setting up and a lot of helping out . That is just who I am no matter what set I am on . So . . . setting up craft services is nothing new to me . Being told to do it is . I 'm usually the one either doing it or telling people what to do . I 'm used to being the producer or the director . I did a good deal of PA work and enough extra work in college to let me know I don 't want to be an extra again . Not that there is anything wrong with it . Being an extra is great for people with no film experience or little acting experience that just want to meet people and see what a movie set is like . It 's even fun for them . It 's not fun for me . At all . I think it was the first time but I am just too ambitious to be happy in that place . If you want to be an actor , be an extra once or twice but don 't make it a regular thing . Audition , take acting classes , study your craft . If you don 't want to be an actor , but you love movies , please be an extra ! It will be fun for you and you will get to see yourself in a movie . Show up and expect to wait but know that we filmmakers are very grateful that you are there . Thank you for your time and your energy . You are very important and we value you more than you know . I remember when I was ten years old and we were asked to run for class president for a month . I didn 't want to . I didn 't want to be a leader . It terrified me . I thought I would always be a follower , that I would always be the person who was doing what I was told to do and was grateful just to be there . I 'm not ten any more . I 'm a leader . I had no idea I was meant to be that way but at some point I grew into it . No one wanted my opinion of what the shot looked like or the camera position of what I thought of the actors . That is what I am meant to do in this world . I am meant to direct and when I am not doing it , well , it actually physically hurts ! It actually bothered me deep down in ways that I am not sure I can adequately describe . It 's kind of like watching through a window . There is great joy for me every time I am on a movie set . I love the action , everything going on , I love a working set and this set , I must say , it ran beautifully . Great people were hired , there were wonderful attitudes and smart people and the set was terrific . I need to stop looking for other people 's work to do and get my own done . I was not meant for that job . I have too much ambition , too many ideas , too much . . . other . If anything , it reinforces for me how far I have come over time . I am ready . Oh , the things I need to put out into the world . I 'm not going to be truly happy until I am leading my own set . This was an exercise in frustration for me and I don 't need any more frustration . I need to find funding and get my dreams on paper and then out into the world . When I was a teenager , I remember the pressure to drink was kind of intense . Everyone was doing it . Personally , I hated alcohol , from the way it tasted to the way it made me feel . Sure I tried it , but I hated it . Still , I noticed people had a comfort level at parties and if they saw that YOU were not drinking , they avoided you , somehow felt you were judging them . I 've never been willing to " acquire a taste " for something I don 't like . Why ? I don 't care for coffee or scotch . I don 't see that changing . I 'm not sure where the line changes for people 's need to have alcohol to have fun - no one suggests that a group of 8 year olds at a birthday party needs to " have a drink " so they can lighten up and have fun . I think 8 year olds have pretty much cornered the market on having fun . Yet , somewhere along the line , somewhere between say . . . 8 and 14 , somehow it is no longer acceptable to just have fun without the addition of some sort of artificial fun stimulant . I see all kinds of facebook posts telling women to survive parenthood you need wine . I guess in the fifties wine was also valium . So , in some way we are supposed to start suppressing whatever emotion we have and then we get to a party and we need to stimulate it so we are fun . In high school , it was easy . . . I noticed that if they " thought " I was drinking , that was all that mattered . So , I would casually take a beer , open it up , take a horrendous first sip and set it down next to me . I never touched it for the rest of the party . Someone would come by and ask me " hey , you need a beer ? " and I would say " Thanks , I just got one . " or " Whew , I need to sober up , you got any soda ? " But I did stop faking it , because , it wasn 't really MY problem if you thought I should drink . I have always known how to have a good time and I make my bad decisions sober , thank you very much . I like my wits , I 've spent years with them and I like to take them out at parties and show them off , as for my sense of humor , it 's just fine . I don 't need to enhance it with dulling my senses or interrupt my hilarious story because I have to go puke now . I have been drunk in my life . It takes far less for me to get drunk and it happens pretty fast . I have had the experience , and I have never much cared for it . Sometimes I will have one drink , sometimes even two . It 's a rarity but a lot of times people love that I am always willing to be the designated driver . People got used to me being sober , my real friends did . Strangers and new friends still question me regularly . Why don 't you drink ? Is there some reason you can 't drink ? ( That 's code for ' are you an alcoholic ? ' ) What do you mean you don 't like it ? Well , I guess I shouldn 't drink if you aren 't going to . NO , please , by all means , go ahead ! If I ask the waitress to hold the tomatoes on my sandwich , you do not need to hold the tomatoes on yours ! It 's not necessary ! I tell you what , I have done more foolish things sober than I ever did while I was drinking . Maybe I just don 't need my inhibitions lowered because I learned how to relax and have a good time without the additional fun stimulant . I guarantee that I was just as shy if not more shy when I started out , I was terrified to talk to people I did not know . When I was a teenager , it was really hard , sometimes it was cripplingly difficult . I know - hard to believe now but I was terrified . But I just got out there and did it to the point that eventually I was comfortable . I guess alcohol was not making it better and it might do that for some people , I have sympathy for that , I really do . It 's darned hard to be terrified to talk to people at a party . I 've been with alcoholics after they get sober . They are lost at a party , it 's really hard for them to figure out how to socialize without the alcohol . I feel bad for them . Now they have to answer all those same questions and when or if they reveal the problem with alcohol , people get all squirrely and stupid and make them even more uncomfortable . It 's ridiculous . I guess my whole point here is that - - we really should stop pressuring people about alcohol . It 's your problem if you want someone else to drink to make you feel better . Get over it . I 'm sorry if you perceive me as not fun because I am not drinking , that really is your problem . Yes , I like to go to bars , yes I like to go to parties , yes I like to go to concerts and yes I like to have a good time ! Nevertheless , when I was a teen , I snuck out of the house at late hours and walked at night , by myself in the middle of the street , fearing the bogeyman on every block . I did it anyway . I was hyper aware of myself and everything around me . I wish I could tell you that bad things never happened to me . They did . A couple of times . But not because I was walking alone at night . But because bad things happen . In my own home , I was beaten up by my father , so being home did not protect me , either . Once when I was seventeen and walking at night . Once I was with my boyfriend at night in the garage behind my house and a stranger came in and held a gun to my head . Once I was in the parking lot at Taco Bell at 9 PM and I was mugged and punched in the face . That was the time I fought back and refused to give up my car keys . So , since bad things have happened , you would think I would " know better " than to walk through parks at night and to go to dangerous places in Central London and Times Square or Toronto and walk around at 3 am . But I refuse to let the bastards who hurt me or fear of the unknown keep me inside when I feel like taking a walk or being out . And of all the times I have been alone at night in places , very rarely have I been attacked . I am aware of two things . First , that anything can happen to me at any time . My dear friend was kidnapped and raped while she was walking her dog in a lovely " safe " neighborhood at 9 am . A perfectly acceptable time for a woman to be outside . Second , I refuse to let fear rule my life . And I live my life aware , I listen wholly to my instincts . If something tells me to get the heck out of there , I do . I don 't bother with pretense if someone is walking to close to me and I don 't care if it seems like I might be hurting their feelings if I cross the street . But I will not allow all this to make me afraid to be out at night . Ever . Not everyone can live this way and I don 't expect them to do so . I 'm not advocating this for anyone else > I refuse to be kept inside . I refuse to modify my life to accommodate some terror that people want me to believe and honestly , if something bad happens , I 'm not going to hold myself responsible . Fortunately , I have survived some pretty awful stuff . I refuse to let this stuff make me miss out on living my life in the manner in which I want . I refuse to apologize for being unafraid to go places I am not supposed to go . As a theater artist , and a writer , my emotions are always right near the surface for me . It 's this access to emotions that allows me to do what I do . I 'm easily moved by things connecting with me on an emotional level and it 's easy for me to make those connections when I am doing theater . Last year , I co - wrote a piece with Joan Lipkin called " One World " . All the performers used our real life experiences to draw on for material to talk about . It 's an emotional piece of a story I give , and it took me a long time to fight the emotion back when I give the monologue , but I can keep it at bay now . I 've said the words enough . Everything is still real , just not raw like it was when we first started doing it . I mean , I know me . I can 't speak of the story of the death of my cat without crying , and there are many topics which I feel very deeply . I 'm rarely caught off guard at my emotional reaction to things . It doesn 't mean I 'm sad and I hate that it makes some people uncomfortable but it 's who I am . I feel deeply , completely and with my whole body . I feel lucky that I can do that . I think I 'm just used to being out there on my own with those emotions . Not like I don 't have very supportive friends but there are so many times when I don 't have time to be emotional and fall apart . Uh oh , my kid just sliced himself open . Time to head to the emergency room to patch it up . When I was told my son had autism , I didn 't really believe it . I didn 't believe what they were telling me . I pushed down every emotional reaction to it . They led me to believe that it may not be a real diagnosis . They let me be in denial . They allowed me the opportunity to keep him in denial . I joined no support group . I searched out no one with a similar diagnosis . I didn 't really tell my family . I glossed over the truth regularly . I became very angry with this list . They don 't know ! He was always a little genius inside that mind . His artistic sense was very strong . He did not have the patience for school and they would never really understand him . My monologue is this : I will never know if my son was born this way or he became this way . When he was ten years old , he was diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder . This is a form of autism . It came with a list of things they said he would never do . I never showed him that list . I burned it , along with the idea that he would ever be limited by someone elses narrow definition of who he is . What I had never allowed myself at any time was to feel or ask for any support in all of this . There was business to be done . I would go in and routinely fight for my son , fight to get the most of out the IEP . Grieve when his flat affect would cost him job interviews . Rage when teachers would not understand his disability and argue with him about the most mundane things like taking the trash out . That small moment of support . . . and where it came from . . . completely undid me . Those tears fell hard and fast because I pushed them down for years . I did not even know I had that well in there . I did not know I ever needed support , but apparently , I did . I love rehearsal . I love creating . I 'm not going to uncover that anywhere else exactly like that . I know there are so many mothers out there stoically carrying on . Not even realizing they have unshed tears they are saving up in a box for some other day because today , we have to fight this battle and there is no time to cry . And I know , one thing I know for sure , is there is going to be that person in the audience who will connect with that moment . Meanwhile , I am thankful to have found it . It 's good to know it is there . Posted by In 1970 , a Washington University student named Howard Mechanic was accused of throwing a cherry bomb in a Vietnam war protest on campus . This cherry bomb started a fire and Howard was arrested . A bunch of people thought Howard was innocent , and one of them was my dad , who was a professor of English at Wash U . So , faculty and staff all went down to the courthouse to help post bail for Howard . The end of this one is - the jerk did not show up . He jumped bail and disappeared for 28 years . My parents almost lost their house . Four children were almost made homeless . Luckily the community came together and saved our family from this awful fate , not that Howard Mechanic ever knew or cared about the consequences of his actions . Well , one day , 28 years later , Howard Mechanic is caught doing something stupid ( running for office in Arizona ) and there is a media frenzy . My mother hears this on the news and just shakes her head . My father thinks this is nice and for some reason is all about being on board with Howard being pardoned . Really ? What about what we know he did for sure ? Like jump bail ? Even if he is innocent of the cherry bomb crime , he still committed a crime , and put us in a terrible place . But no thank you to us . No apology for almost making four kids homeless . But I digress . The media frenzy is happening . Howard is all over the news . The reporter that discovered him is all over the news . St . Louis and Washington U is all abuzz with the news . The marquis of the record store up the street says " Free Howard Mechanic " and I call them and ask them to please take it down , my parents live three blocks away . Then , Dateline calls . They have discovered my parents are the ones who put up the bail . Immediately , my dad says yes to the interview . I was very excited . I wanted to watch all of it and I did . I took the kids to school and show up at my parent 's house and watch the whole thing ! I chatted with the camera guys . . . I was in film school at the time . My mother respectfully declines to be interviewed but Josh Mankiewicz smells blood in the water . My mother does not agree with my father . She 's still pissed off with him about what he did . He realizes quickly that this will make a better interview with her . So , the producers do what they do best . They flatter and convince my mother to get on camera . It doesn 't take too much , and my father realizes that she is going to have her say . I am in the background silently cheering ! Go Mom ! Be the one person who says it is not the act of a HERO to run away ! Stop making this guy out to be some kind of martyr for the cause . The justice system is still the bad guy but this is not how you deal with problems . My mother famously says " I always tell my children , ' say what you mean and clean up your own mess ' Howard Mechanic did neither . " This quote makes it on the air and I cheer . It was a good interview but they use just a clipping of my parents , which is fine . Story is not about them after all . Now all in all , this is a pretty good story as is . The Howard Mechanic group sends my dad a plaque for his support . What the hell ever . There is still no apology from him . There is still no offer to pay us back the bail money . But that is all over and life goes on . All my life , my mother told me stories about her very best friend growing up , Elaine . My mother grew up in New York City in Queens and all I ever heard about was how much fun Elaine was . She was smart and beautiful and kind and she was the best friend ever . Honestly , Elaine was larger than life to me . I would get so excited when my mother would tell another Elaine story . She told me once that she had even considered naming me Elaine at one point . I knew right then and there that I wanted to name a daughter Elaine . When my mother was pregnant with me , we had gone to California to live and I was born out there in Santa Monica . Around the same time , Elaine had moved to Florida and they had lost touch with one another . One of the saddest parts of the Elaine stories was my mother lamenting how much she missed her and how awful it was to have lost touch with her . It made my heart ache and I wanted more than anything to find Elaine for my mother . The years went by and I did indeed have a daughter , and I named her Cassandra Elaine . I smiled and wished that just once , I could meet Elaine and tell her how much I had enjoyed hearing about her . But more than anything , I wanted my mother to be able to reunite with her best friend . And who knew that Howard Mechanic and all of his misdeeds would lead us to that moment . . . for the voice on the other end of the phone indeed did belong to Elaine . She had been watching that episode of Dateline and there was my mother on her television set . She found her listed in the phone book and called her up the very next day . I met Elaine a few years later when I was driving down to Florida . She was a little surprised I wanted to meet her so much but I really did . I made a special trip to Winter Park , Florida . This woman was a part of a story in my head . When she opened the door to me , she lost her breath for a minute . I look a lot like my mother and apparently this really stunned her . Behind me was another daughter who looks just like me , and just like my mother when she was about eight or nine and that threw her even further . Elaine was delightful and I wasn 't at all put off by the staring . I understand that part . I 'm going to end this story here in that , this is one of those really bizarre miracle things that happens . I don 't want to be exactly grateful to Howard Mechanic but it makes it harder to completely dislike him . Instead , I 'm happy that the Universe aligned in such a way that all those thoughts went out to connect two friends one more time . Posted by When will you all realize - that doesn 't matter ? Truth will always be stranger than fiction . Unless you 're doing a documentary , you cannot tell a story that way . Why ? Because your audience has to believe you ! Your truth is not a defense if we , the audience does not believe you . Yes , you have to be a skilled liar . I don 't spend a lot of time lying any more . I tried it out when I was around 9 , 10 , 11 and found out - making things up to make my life more interesting was getting me in trouble when I got caught out . It wasn 't worth it . Instead , I made my life more interesting , so my true stories were more fun to tell . And when I had something I wanted to make up , I channeled my lies into my fiction and worked very hard at making them credible . But I learned HOW to lie . If I tell a lie , which I don 't very often , it 's for a much greater good . I find casual lies stupid and pointless , and I have removed them from my life so that I can build positive and strong friendships , and of course , I am thankful that my bff weathered this period of my life with grace and love and taught me that she could catch me out every time , I am so grateful she was such a good detective . Life lessons from your friends are sometimes painful but when it is done with care , they are good ! But I digress . Here , I want to tell you a true story . A story I could never turn into fiction , as so much of my truth ends up in my fiction , and I tell lies around it . Here is a very true story , though . I recently went to Florida with my husband and we decided to leave the car in long term parking . At this point in my life , I have a 16 year old daughter . This combination of things has led me to this particular memory . When I was sixteen years old , I was pretty adventure seeking and engaged in some risky and exciting behavior . I freely admit I was a thrill seeker and I was a kid with a very active imagination . This is one of my stupider antics . My parents already did not trust me for a number of reasons . One of which was that I had a history of " borrowing the car without permission " . So , they had to take a weekend business trip and instead of just taking a cab to the airport or getting a ride , they decided to leave the car in long term parking . I was not going to be allowed to use it for the weekend . It was the first time they had ever left my brother and I alone for the weekend . I was 16 , he was 14 . Naturally , I was dating a jerk who really brought out the worst in me . What I knew was that I could get by with using the " lost ticket story " and pay the maximum . I think it was something like $ 12 or $ 15 . I cannot remember how but someone gave me and my idiot boyfriend a ride out to the airport and dropped us off . I immediately went to the cheapest lot , no way my mom was going to more when she didn 't have to ! And , miraculously , we found the car right away . Talking my way out of the lot was easy . I 'm a girl . I looked innocent enough . They have a policy on lost tickets . We were soon on our way to freedom and a car for the weekend . Very carefully , I took note of three things , the gas gauge , the position of the driver 's seat and the parking space the car had been in . I knew that I had to return the car with exactly the same gas , exactly the same seat position and put it back in the same place . Okay , so I know you all are thinking , how stupid was I ? Someone else was going to park in that spot , right ? In fact , I worried about that all weekend . The first thing I told my idiot , asshole boyfriend was " Whatever you do , don 't smoke in the car . " He promptly scoffed at that and told me he could roll down the window and it would air out in plenty of time . I 'm ashamed to say I allowed him to do this without kicking up a fuss and when he mocked my driving and my gender , I also allowed him to drive . ( Well , anyone that knows me now can clearly see how all that has changed ) Back then , though , I was a real pleaser and desperate for him to love me and to make him happy . It 's easy to see now how being raised by a controlling and punishing abusive father and a mother who would do anything to keep the peace resulted in this . Fortunately , I was able to carve out a better future for myself , but this asshole was only a version of my dad , a drunken version but a version of a controlling , abusive person nonetheless . But I 'm not blaming him for this . This was , shamefully , my idea . I let idiot boyfriend drive even though he didn 't even have a driver 's license ! So , you know , we used the car all weekend and we didn 't even do anything that exciting that we couldn 't have done without a car . We picked up some people for Rocky Horror and drove them around . Big deal . They could always find other rides . On Sunday , I was starting to feel deep regret and deeper worry . You see , I could control the gas gauge and the seat position , but the parking space was another matter entirely . I started thinking to myself how pointless and stupid this whole thing had been . I was going to get myself in trouble for no reason at all other than my own stupidity and selfishness . It was partly an experiment in what I could get away with , I guess ? I don 't know , I didn 't usually do things like this . This was purely an exercise in foolishness and while I could certainly be foolish , usually the things I did had actual purpose , even if they didn 't make sense to anyone but me . But this time , even as an impulsive sixteen year old , I was clear headed enough to see I had gone too far and the likelihood that I was going to get caught was increasing by the second . Idiot boyfriend went with me to return the car . He insisted on driving again . My nerves became increasingly tight as we got nearer to the long term parking lot . Then , the worst happened . The lot was blocked off entirely . No one was allowed in . The sign at the front said the lot was full . I couldn 't even return it to a nearby spot . Completely screwed ! We circled around to a place where he pulled over and Idiot boyfriend rolled down the window and lit a cigarette . " What are you doing ? ? " I yelled at him . I mean , really , what did he care if I got caught . It was all on me , wasn 't it ? He couldn 't even be bothered to get out of the car and smoke . I was so angry . But he just yelled back at me that it didn 't make any difference now and he needed to think . Blah blah blah , the selfish prick continued on . Idiot boyfriend proceeded to curse and bang on the wheel and generally make an even bigger idiot out of himself . Then , I did something . I told him to get out of the driver 's seat and put out the cigarette and I was going to do the thing I knew how to do . Charm and convince . And that is what I did . I rolled up to the guy in the booth and I told him a sad story . I don 't even fully remember what it was , but it was a lie so convincing and sympathetic that the gate opened . I told him I needed to get that car back in that lot and could I please , please just go in ? And he let me . Because a smile and a kindness and honey in my words are something my idiot boyfriend will never recognize as a skill . And this is the part where I could never fictionalize this story . This was the miracle . That same spot was open . The place I had taken the car from just appeared in front of me . And I pulled into that spot . Joyfully , we celebrated , jumping up and down in excitement ! I adjusted the seat back and exited the car and we ran to catch our ride home . I remember thinking to myself , the only thing that can get me caught now is the smokey smell . But who would believe it ? How could my mother possibly believe that I could take the car , joy ride for the weekend and return it to the same spot ? It was impossible , right ? Never happen that way . No one in their right mind would believe it . I could never tell a fictional story and get you to believe that happened that way . But it did . So , I went home and sat in the living room , feeling fairly confident that I would not be caught . I mean , I wanted to be an actress , so I just acted calm . I waited . My parents came through the door and everything seemed normal for about thirty seconds . I had gotten away with it . I mean . . . like most kids , I had gotten away with multiple things that my parents did not know about , so . . . this would be the next thing . I have to tell you , from my sixteen year old perspective - - this was a victimless crime . No one got hurt . The car was in as perfect condition as when they left it . No harm , no foul , right ? But that feeling of well being did not last long at all . In a few minutes after they put their luggage away , they started to question me . In a way that implied they knew I had taken the car . They told me that the attendant had ratted me out . Really ? That seemed kind of strange to me . I had that guy on my side , I was sure of it . Eventually , though , I just confessed . Yeah , I did it . I mean , what were they going to do now ? It was over , the thing had happened , it was over . I had been caught after , not before . So . . . okay . I was in trouble . What else was new . I was always in trouble back then . Last week , I went to my mother and asked her what it was . I mean , all of the things were so minor , unless someone is paying a lot of attention , you would really not even notice them . How many little things do we let go of on a daily basis . You know , that mirror is not in exactly the right position . . . hmmm , maybe I bumped it ? Both my parents drive that car and they both move the seat from time to time . . . And really , at the end of all of this , it was because my mother knew how I worked . She was paying attention to me . All this time , I thought she had no idea who I am ( and now my own sixteen year old daughter thinks I have no idea who she is ) but my mom knew who I was . She knew my favorite meals , my favorite color , my strengths , my weaknesses . She was paying attention to who I was . Not some version of me like my dad made up in his head . So , when she got into the car , she was already looking for the little signs that would tip her off , and so they were easy to find . Ah , the fierce love of my mother . Last week , I told her I was sorry ( again ) that I did that . I took full responsibility for the stupid , reckless and idiot thing that I did . She shook her head and said this was probably her fault somehow . No , Ma , that will never be your fault . You definitely raised me better than that , it just took a while for me to stop being so foolish and to grow up . I welcome 2014 . As someone with a silly ass fear of the number 13 , I did not take many risks in 2013 . I just tried to survive it . Silly , I know , but my life did not take any major leaps . I was just waiting it out like a bad storm . This year a new moon fell on January 1st , the first time that has happened in 19 years . Coincidentally , it was 19 years ago on New Years Eve , as Blueberry Hill was closing that an impulsive 20 something guy surprised me by taking me gently by the shoulders and planting a kiss on my lips in the new falling snow as I bid him goodnight . Nineteen years later , that guy is my husband and he kisses me on New Year 's eve under the new moon as we arrive home together . On the way to attending a party , in the car , my husband says to me . " I 'm really glad 2013 is over . It was a terrible year . " He went on . " And we had to get the terrible news that our daughter has ADHD and dyslexia . Now we have to pay all that money to a really expensive school . " " Think about it , " I said . " We had been wandering around in the dark not knowing what was going on with Isabella and she was steady struggling with a terrible teacher in a school that totally misdiagnosed her . By the time we got her to a real doctor and found out what was really wrong with her - even though it punched us in the gut , it was really good news . We finally had answers ! We finally knew definitively what was wrong and we had a solid approach on how to treat her . So , if you think about it , that was actually good news . " " And as for that expensive school , I am happy to spend the money at a school where our daughter can get the education she needs . I 'm grateful for that place every day . And you love it as much as I do . But most importantly , Isabella is happy there , and she is learning to work with her disability . We found a really great doctor and the medication she is on is actually working . How are these things bad ? " |
I feel privileged that you invited me here today to tell my story . I hope that what I have to say will have some meaning for you so that you may not have to take the same path yourselves ! This is my truth as I see it . Others may have a different perspective . I have changed people 's names out of respect for their privacy . I can honestly say that the vast majority of my earliest memories are good ones . There was always something fun happening - Christmas dinners at grandma 's house , family parties with cousins to play with , and lots of music and laughter . My dad was the life of the party - he was always horsing around doing something funny and all the kids loved him . He could play his mandolin and tell jokes all night . My family was musical , so my sister and I were encouraged from an early age to pick up an instrument and join in . We didn 't have a ton of money , but enough to have a little cottage on a lake with an old boat and a couple of snowmobiles . We kids made mud pies and played hide and seek and made forts in the woods , tied toboggans up behind the snowmobiles , skated on the lake , and had cookouts . While the adults partied , the kids got to run until we dropped . I remember falling asleep under a pile of coats at various hunt camps while the fiddles sawed away in the next room and the floor bounced with the stomping . What did we care if the neighbours thought we were hillbillies ? It was fun ! The troubling thing is that there are big chunks of time I can 't account for . I just don 't remember . And it 's not because I 'm getting old ! I feel like my mind has blocked out something very troubling . During the week we had a pretty normal , quiet family life . Both my parents had good jobs and worked full - time . But on the weekends there were parties - parties at our house , parties at my cousins ' houses , parties at my parent 's friends ' houses , and always there was booze . One night my dad 's cousin got so drunk they had to tie him to the birch tree so he could stand up to play the fiddle . They had to carry the neighbour into his boat so his wife , who had been drinking herself , and had never driven a boat , could drive home to their cottage on an island across the lake . I remember several mornings getting up to find dad asleep in the truck with his feet stuck out the window - he had had driven us home in the middle of the night but was too drunk to walk into the house and go to bed . Sometimes if he had been out by himself , we would find him in the morning halfway out the cottage road , passed out in the truck , blocking the way for any of the neighbours who might want to get in or out . It all seemed funny at the time , and I didn 't think it was out of the ordinary . It 's just the way it was for us . There was also drama and tragedy - when I was 7 my cousin , Greg , whose cottage was next door , died in a boating accident . He and his buddy , Roy , from two doors down , had been playing chicken in his little boat at night with no lights . Roy sustained serious head injuries from which he never fully recovered . They didn 't find Greg 's body until several days later . The police said alcohol was involved . They were 16 . One day my dad was racing his skidoo down the lake in icy conditions after a cookout where the adults had been drinking . He caught a piece of crust and rolled his sled end over end I don 't know how many times . He spent the next two weeks in bed . One spring day our close friend and neighbour put his snowmobile through the ice right in front of our house . Luckily , he got out . It seemed he was always having mishaps , and he was usually drunk . Then there was the day my dad nearly died when his chainsaw jumped out of the log he was cutting and slashed his throat , barely missing his jugular vein . He had been drinking . As the years passed , there were increasingly more arguments and fights . I remember intervening one winter night during a particularly bad incident between mom and dad . He had his hands around her neck and had her backed into the tub . I thought he would kill her and the only way I could think to get him off her was to punch him in the balls . When he turned on me , I ran into the bush in my sock feet and once I knew I was safe I puked behind a tree . I remember being so scared I didn 't even notice how cold my feet were . I was 14 . In another incident years later , mom had left dad to come and stay at my house but she decided to give him another chance . When we arrived at the cottage on Friday night , he was really drunk and started getting violent . We tried to leave , but by the time we got in the car , dad was standing in the middle of the only road out of the place with a gun firmly held across his chest , trying to stop me from driving away with mom . In that moment of terror I had to choose between running my father over with my car , or standing the chance of one or both of us getting shot . He made the decision for me ; as he stepped around to my mother 's side of the car I gunned it and ducked , waiting for the shot . I remember the car screaming and red lining in first gear at 40 mph because it had a standard transmission and I was so scared I had forgotten to shift gears . The cops refused to go and arrest him that night because they said it was too dangerous . They confiscated his guns the next day . I had very disturbing violent nightmares for a long time after that in which I was bashing his head in with a rock . Even after all that , incredibly , mom went back to him . At the time I couldn 't understand why . The day my grandma died in 1988 , he was at it again . This time the cops warned mom to get away . She showed up at my house . I had to lie about her whereabouts at the funeral to protect her safety . I was always pretty outgoing and I had friends , but I was not one of the popular girls in high school . I had skipped a grade so I was younger than my classmates and I was a " late bloomer " with a fall birthday . I turned 14 in the first semester of Grade 10 , and I didn 't start to develop physically until well into my high school years . I was a really good student and I guess somewhere along the line I figured out that it was safer to get good marks and stay out of the way . I adopted the role of the super - responsible kid , perfectionistic , with a hyper - awareness of other 's feelings and needs , putting pressure on myself to overachieve , and somehow feeling like I was never good enough . I spent long hours in my bedroom doing assignments , but music was my life . I was in 3 bands and practiced sometimes 2 or 3 hours a night . I played several instruments , and I thought I was pretty good ! I started dating Frank at 17 . I went to Ottawa to go to university and he came along to attend college there . He was smart and handsome , he came from a well - established , upstanding family , and it didn 't hurt that he had a nice car ! His father was a well known and respected politician . WE WERE IN LOVE AND WE THOUGHT WE HAD THE WORLD BY THE TAIL . We got married when I was 19 . Looking back , I was interested in everything he did but he was NOT interested in the things that were important to me ; we ate the foods that HE liked , we listened to the music that HE liked , we did the things that HE wanted to do . I had always wanted to travel , but he was afraid to fly , so we didn 't . At the time it seemed far easier to do things his way than to deal with the conflict that would be created by my asserting my needs or desires . You see , I had no idea what HEALTHY BOUNDARIES were . So , a little bit at a time , I sold out , and every time I did , I would get a little bit hurt and a little bit angry , and each time I gave away a little piece of myself . It happened so gradually , and over such a long period of time , that I hardly noticed it was happening . It 's like that story about the frog and the pot of water - if you drop a frog into a pot of hot water , he will jump out . He might get burned , but he will survive and probably stay away from the pot ! But if you drop a frog into a pot of cold water and turn up the heat so gradually that he hardly notices the change , he will stay in the pot until he dies . Eventually we stopped hanging around with MY friends , I stopped playing music , I did almost all of the chores - piece by piece , without my realizing it , my identity became eroded and I seemed to disappear . If something went well , he took the credit for it , even if it was my doing . But , when something went wrong , it was ALWAYS my fault . He would twist stories around until it was so confusing I began to doubt my own memory . It was crazy making ! He had expectations in the bedroom and I was made to feel it was MY shortcoming if I failed to meet them . I just kept trying to please him , but nothing ever seemed to be enough . It wasn 't all bad . We had some fun times . We went snowmobiling in the winter and went to his family 's cottage in the summer . We visited regularly with both our families . We both had successful careers , mine in teaching and his in construction . We set goals , had a nice house , and were saving money for retirement . But in 1989 my world shifted , as if I was standing on a rug and someone pulled it out from under me . We had gone to his brother and sister - in - law 's house to give a birthday gift to our oldest niece , but instead of a celebration , there was a confrontation . Their daughters had just accused Frank of molesting them - the older one years before when she was little , before I even knew him . The younger one , who was by now 15 , accused him molesting her just two years before IN OUR KITCHEN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS JUST OUTSIDE , WITHIN SIGHT ! ! ! It must have happened in a matter of seconds , a few minutes at the most ! I remember thinking during the confrontation , " this happens in the movies - this doesn 't happen TO ME ! " and realizing that my whole first 7 years of marriage were based on a lie . Here was the man I loved , admitting to molesting the older girl years before , but he never did admit to molesting the younger one . I can 't begin to describe the shock and confusion I felt ! It was the first time I ever really thought about leaving him , but I was so CODEPENDENT by that time that I couldn 't imagine being on my own . My FEAR kept me trapped . For several months I had a hard time eating or sleeping , but eventually with some therapy I settled enough to decide to stay - we went on to have two great boys who were born in the early nineties , but it seemed like we were dancing around in a circle . Tension would build up , we would fight , then make up , and for a while things would seem to be OK , then tension would build again , over and over . And every time there was another fight , the issue of his molesting his nieces would come up - I could never get over that . One day in the mid nineties , when having internet in the house was a relatively new thing , he asked me to look for a calculator in his brief case and in the bottom I found a picture of a naked little girl - Asian , maybe 10 or 12 yrs old - that he had printed off the computer . I was shocked and I confronted him . I thought about his nieces , and of course there was yet another fight . I destroyed the picture and he assured me that he had just been curious . He apologized and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again . I was in DENIAL . I loved him . I wanted so desperately for everything to be OK . I stayed . We were both workaholics . Things were getting so rotten between us that we both felt good when we worked . I had become a perfectionist control freak - because my relationship seemed like it was out of control . It takes a huge amount of energy to try and control everything in your life - especially when it is uncontrollable ! To survive emotionally I stayed in my head and pushed down the feelings , at all cost . By that time , I was teaching full time , racing home every night with a briefcase full of lessons to plan and papers to mark in time to pick up the kids from daycare at 6 pm . I had two little boys under the age of 8 who were active with swimming lessons , soccer , Cub Scouts , etc . Frank was away a lot of the time working out of town , but when he wasn 't away , on weekends and evenings we would work on another new house for ourselves and move just about every year . We had a very good lifestyle in terms of material things , but I was miserable , exhausted , and empty inside . It seemed like every time we started fighting again , we would go and buy something new like a truck or a new snowmobile or a 4 wheeler , and for a little while it made us feel a bit better , but the feeling never lasted . I kept trying harder to make him happy but it was impossible , and I was so out of touch with myself that I had no idea what it would take to make me happy . On Easter weekend in 2000 I had a very sudden life - threatening health crisis that ended up being the catalyst I needed to start making some positive changes in my life . Looking back , I realize that I was completely burned out . It was a miracle that I was alive ; most people don 't survive the diagnosis I was given . I was never religious , but that night for the first time in my life I prayed and meant it . I said , " God , if you 're even there , apparently the way I have been directing my life up to this point in time has not been working too well . If I am meant to die here tonight , then my crying and fussing about it isn 't going to change anything , SOOOOOOOO here I am - you can take it from here , just please , if I am meant to live , show me what I am supposed to do ! " I 'm not suggesting you should believe what I believe ; I am just saying that 's what I did , because that 's all I had left to do . After a week in intensive care , I went home to recuperate , but I had to stop working . It was the first time I really started to wonder why I was here on the planet . On the outside everything looked great - nice house , good career , two great kids - but there was nothing left inside . I felt like a completely vacant empty shell . I started going back to therapy , but this time I was really ready to do the work and find out what was going on . One of the many valuable things I learned in therapy is that the difficulties that we face in our major relationships reflect back to us unresolved issues of our own . Over time and with help , I began to really look at things in a new perspective . During this time , I discovered that our beloved babysitter / housekeeper had forged my signature on several cheques to the tune of almost $ 2000 . 00 . She and her husband had been like adopted grandparents for our boys . I felt so betrayed ! I also found out that Frank had been having an ongoing affair with one of my friends . Others in the community , including my best friend , knew about it but no one told me . I felt double betrayed ! He showed me humility and convinced me of his sincerity when he apologized , and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again . I was in DENIAL . I loved him . I wanted desperately for it to be OK . I stayed . And I got more counselling to try and help me deal with this latest crisis . Then , on the day the World Trade Centre was attacked , Sept 11 , 2001 , my own twin towers fell , so to speak . Our computer in our home office had broken and I had a technician come to the house to fix it . As I sat beside him , he opened files with dozens of pornographic pictures of children . I was mortified , shocked , and embarrassed to have such images in my home and furious that my little boys could have inadvertently opened one of those files . There was yet another fight , this time in which I threatened to get rid of the computer , and once again , Frank apologized and promised never to do it again . By now we both realized he had a problem . He also began to get therapy , which was enough to keep me hanging on . After all , I loved him and I wanted desperately for everything to be OK ! In therapy , he began to analyze his sexual addiction and discovered that , although he could not remember anything , he had most likely been molested as a child . Now , realizing that I was married to a sex addict , and knowing that major relationships are reflective of my own issues , I began to look at my own childhood and suspect that I , too , had been molested . I had absolutely no memories of anything happening , but I also learned that as a coping mechanism , during traumatic incidents , the brain can literally block out allBy then my father was a raging alcoholic - the town drunk who I kept at arm 's length . I felt guilty if I didn 't see him from time to time , but I felt shame and sadness when I did see him , because of the way he was living his life . My dad died of cancer in 2002 but something shifted between us in the last few weeks of his life . As he was coming to terms with the fact that he was dying I saw an authenticity in him I had never seen before . I stopped being quite so angry and start feeling some compassion for him . A few days before he died , I told him that I had forgiven him . He responded , " Well , wonders never cease " . The day he died , I sat by his bed and I held his hand as he passed . After he was gone I mourned the loss not so much of the man but of the relationship I always wished we could have had and now never would . Strangely , I feel closer to my father now than I ever did when he was alive . I was still married , but our situation was becoming increasingly toxic . By now I had left my teaching career for good to work full time building big waterfront houses with Frank . I was in charge of site administration , hiring subcontractors , payroll and accounting , purchasing materials , AND I worked on site doing things like painting ( sometimes on scaffolding or ladders 24 feet high ) , insulation , shovelling gravel , carrying lumber , picking up garbage , and helping the carpenters with framing . I enjoyed the physical work , and quite frankly , I enjoyed taking the men on the job by surprise with strength and ability that they did not expect to see in a woman . Even though we were making far more money than I could ever have made teaching , Frank constantly belittled my contribution to our business and accused me more than once of being lazy and not wanting to work , because I had left my teaching career after that health crisis . Frank had stopped going to therapy , probably because he realized that once again , the latest crisis had been averted and I was back on the hook . I still loved him , but I suppose by this time I really had lost most of the respect I had had for him . I tried to see the hurt little boy and the sensitive man buried deep down inside all those layers of anger , and I waited for him to fulfill the potential that I saw in him . I would get glimpses of him every now and then when he had to show humility to avert another crisis . I knew he had an addiction , but by now I was so expert at covering up for him that I didn 't even realize that I was doing it . I understand now that what I was doing was ENABLING him to continue to act out his addiction . So why did I keep staying after all the crises and the grief ? Maybe it was LOVE , but more likely it was FEAR and CODEPENDENCE . Living with " the devil you know " somehow seemed less frightening than stepping into the unknown . Even though I was doing most of the work to run the household , I couldn 't imagine being alone - I felt like I was only ½ of a circle - I had started to play music again . Just a little at first , but over time it became a bigger and bigger part of my life , because I realized that it was an important part of me that I had given up all those years before , and I wanted it back because it made me feel good . We started going to music festivals and despite the fact that we had a lot of fun camping with our new musical friends , Frank often made it clear that he didn 't like my playing music . You see , I was having fun and feeling good . It wasn 't for him or about him , and he was jealous . I often told him that I wished for his sake that he could find something in his life that he could feel as passionately about as I felt towards playing music , but he never really showed interest in anything outside his work . By the time I started a band and began to play semi - professionally , he would come to some festivals with me , but it was a favour to me that I could never really repay ; he would make my life absolutely miserable , and often my band would have to rally around me when I would show up backstage before a show in tears . I would try to attend to his needs - did he have a drink ? Was he hungry ? Did he have someone to talk to ? Was he happy ? If he didn 't come , I found out later that he would say things to my children like " Your mother doesn 't want to be here with you . Her music is more important to her . " In 2006 he came to one of the larger festivals with me . I made especially sure to give him extra attention , as he often accused me of ignoring him when I was playing music . We had had a great day together , and ended the evening with a jam session with friends around a campfire . I had been super vigilant to see that he was having a good time . When it was time to go to bed , I put my instrument away and wondered why he hadn 't come into the trailer with me . I went back out to find him necking with a young woman half his age . I rubbed my eyes to make sure . I had had a few drinks over the course of the evening , but I was definitely not drunk . I locked mysBy November 2007 , 18 1 / 2 years after I had first seriously considered leaving , I had finally and truly had enough and was looking for a way out . Although he had never raised a hand to me , I was exhausted from the ongoing emotional abuse and drama , and I had long since lost my respect for Frank . I had threatened for years to leave and had never followed through , so why would he believe me now ? But this time it was different . I had been faithful to Frank through all those years , but now I had met someone at a music conference in Nashville that I was very attracted to . I told Frank about it and he actually encouraged me to be with him , thinking it might be some kind of sexual game . But I was not playing any kind of game . I began talking to this man on the phone and I was falling head over heels in love . I told Frank up front that I intended to pursue my relationship with this man , and that I intended to leave - this time for real . That was when things began to get dangerous . I was still living in the matrimonial home , and I had told my boys , teenagers of 15 and 13 by now , that I was planning on leaving , but that I was hoping to hold out until after Christmas . I couldn 't possibly tell them all the things that had led up to my decision - I felt they were too young to know about such adult problems , and I still wanted them to have some respect for their father even if he no longer had it from me . Of course , they were confused and angry with me . I had tried so hard all those years to cover up the problems between their father and me that they really hadn 't known how bad it was , but now that " the cat was out of the bag " , so to speak , it was impossible to hide the fighting and the arguments . It got so bad that a couple of weeks before Christmas , my younger son pulled me aside and said , " Mom , why don 't we just go ? " , but I was determined to hang on until after Christmas , if at all possible . My older son decided to live with his dad , which broke my heart , because his dad really had not been there for them . He was away so much when they were growing up , and when he was home he was usually either too busy working , too angry , or too tired to interact with them . It was that heartbreak that inspired my very first song . Things were escalating to the point where I was sleeping with my coat and boots and purse by my side because I feared that things might get really nasty and I would have to get out in the night . I locked the bedroom door because by this point I was afraid of Frank , and he would pick the lock just to show me that he could . I got my own cell phone and opened a new personal email account . He later admitted that he had been stalking me ; I would come out of the grocery store or the bank and there he was , waiting . He was checking my odometer , obtaining my cell phone statements , and attempting to hack into my email account . He froze the bank accounts and cancelled the credit cards . He would tell me private information about the band 's business - it made everyone uncomfortable to the point that they considered calling the police . I started going to the local women 's shelter for counselling . They gave me strategies for staying safe , and information on community resources , but most importantly , they reassured me that I was not crazy ! Then one night , while I slept , he broke into the bedroom and began to sexually assault me . He had imagined that I had been talking to this new man while he was out of town , which I wasn 't , but by the time he got home at 2 am he was beside himself with rage . He must have snapped out of his fury long enough to realize what was happening , because I was able to fight him off , but that was the last straw . On Boxing Day I drove away from my beautiful waterfront home to go and live in the basement of my mother 's house . And although I was an emotional wreck , I was finally free , and I never looked back . Shortly after I left , Frank went into a residential treatment programme where he could get help with his sex addiction issues . I hope he benefited from his time there , but I suspect his motivation for going was to lure me back into the relationship as he had done so many times before . Within a few weeks of my leaving he was dating a woman from Oregon who he had met on an online dating site . It 's funny how you learn how very little value your " stuff " has when you drive away from it in a situation like that . You think you are attached to your " stuff " , so you fight for it , and you mourn the loss of it , but in the end , it 's just " stuff " . By the time I got ½ of our " stuff " back in the settlement a year later , I didn 't even want it any more . I had something far more precious - PEACE . And I was finally starting to find MYSELF . I want to make it clear that neither my dad nor my ex - husband were monsters ! I loved them both . Dad was an easy going and fun - loving guy . He was the kind of guy who would help a stranger on the side of the road . And Frank had many good qualities , or I would never have married him ! He was a good provider and a perfect choice for showing me what I needed to know about myself . And every time he put up a hurdle for me , I jumped higher . It made me stronger and more independent in the long run . The point is that ADDICTION MAKES GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS , and addiction and abuse are insidious ; they creep up on you very slowly and quietly . You often don 't notice it 's happening until it 's too late . I have a friend who was a cop . She says , based on her observations , where domestic violence is concerned , escalation is inevitable . In other words , if he hit you once , it is very likely that he WILL hit you again , even if he 's really sorry and he says he won 't . There was one piece of advice she always gave to girls and women who were dealing domestic violence - " keep your girlfriends ! " You need a support system and a sounding board . I wish I had known this . I don 't any longer blame people for the things I have experienced - that would be staying stuck in victimhood . After all , how could my parents have possibly taught me about healthy boundaries when they didn 't have any themselves ? Instead I prefer to think of life like a big theatre production - we all have our parts to play . We just don 't realize that we are in a play until we step back and take a look at the big picture . Our parents were also unconsciously playing their roles , and so were their parents , and so on and so on . Addiction and abuse don 't just start up out of the blue . More likely they are patterns of behaviour that have been handed down for many , many generations . If you look at it that way , there 's no one left to blame . The question is ; what are YOU going to do about it ? You can stay angry and play the martyr or the victim , but that just gives your power away . You can try to stay drunk or high , and make it seem to go away for a little while , but that 's all it is - a little while , then it comes back with a fury , and I don 't need to tell you the long term effect that will have on your life . CLEARLY IT DOESN ' T WORK ! Both of those choices almost guarantee that you will pass the abuse on down to the next generation . Or , you can step up to the plate , as I have done , and begin to do the healing work necessary and make the changes that could potentially break the chain for future generations . It 's not easy - sometimes it hurts like HELL , and it can be downright ugly what you expose when you have an honest look inside . But I guarantee you it 'll be worth it ! My sister tried to cope by drowning her problems in alcohol and prescription pills . She has had ongoing health issues and she has struggled with addiction off and on for over 20 years . I learned that giving her money to help with the latest crisis only enabled her to continue drinking . NOT giving her money made me feel terribly guilty because she was suffering so much , and had very real problems . I love her because she is a gentle soul and she is my sister , but I still haven 't really figured out how to handle my relationship with her , so mostly I try to keep my distance , and that 's a real shame because we could have been such good friends ! But I also try hard not to judge - it could 've easily been me . It will be up to her to make the changes she needs to make to overcome her addiction and improve her life . I have told her that when she makes those changes , I will be there for her , but I also have to come to terms with the possibility that she may never make them . As for the man I started dating , well , it 's been 4 years now , and we still love each other , but I think we both realize that our lives are going in different directions . I will always be grateful to him for helping me find the strength to leave an extremely toxic situation , and I will always cherish the time we had together , but I was not in an emotionally healthy place to begin a new relationship at the time . Was it what is called a " rebound relationship " ? In retrospect , the answer is probably yes , although I did not see it at the time . No matter what the future does or does not hold for us , I 'm OK , and I think that 's the main thing . I have to take responsibility for the part I played in the drama of my life . I understand now that , even though I didn 't realize it at the time , I contributed to my situation by NOT maintaining healthy boundaries ; every time I gave in for the sake of not angering Frank , I gave him a little more power over me . He didn 't take it - I gave it away . And every time I covered up for him , I took away an opportunity for him to take responsibility for his own behaviour . When I began to understand this , the first person I had to forgive was myself ! I couldn 't possibly know then what the consequences of my choices would eventually be . And for that matter , in retrospect , I couldn 't possibly expect to be able to make decisions at 19 that were still valid at 49 . People change ! When I learned to forgive myself , then by extension I realized I needed to forgive my parents - they didn 't know any better what they were doing than I did . They were just trying to figure it out and survive the best they could . How could I expect them to be perfect when I wasn 't perfect myself ? My ancestors were too busy trying to put food on the table and keep the house warm - they did not live in a culture of growing self - awareness that we can choose to take advantage of today . After generations of addiction and abuse , I have the privilege and responsibility of attempting to break the chain . It 's like we 've all been sleepwalking , but now it 's time to wake up ! ! ! ! Abuse can happen to ANYONE . It crosses all boundaries - economic , religious , age , gender . I was a well educated person with a good career and decent financial resources and it still happened to me ! Remember : violence can take many forms - it doesn 't have to be physical . Pain in and of itself is not a bad thing . It teaches us to pay attention . When you stub your toe , for example , you pay full attention to that part of you - you rub it , maybe get some ice , but you take care of it until the pain goes away . The same can be true of emotional pain - it 's there to tell us that we 've been hurt , but we need to learn to pay attention to it and not just ignore it . Learning these skills doesn 't mean you won 't ever feel pain again - life happens ! Sometimes people do things that hurt . It 's a process I expect to be working on for a long time . I didn 't learn these behaviours over night , and it may take a while to unlearn them . BUT I have learned to honour my feelings , to listen to the messages I get from my gut and my heart , not just the thoughts in my head . I feel so fortunate and grateful - for the good things that have happened to me in my life , AND for the insights and the strength I have gained from the challenges I have had to overcome . I not only survived , but I developed a greater level of self - awareness , and I am thriving now more than ever before . The funny thing about forgiveness is that you might think it 's for the benefit of the person you are forgiving , and surely they DO benefit from it , but more importantly it benefits the person who is doing the forgiving . When you release all that anger and righteousness , it 's like a huge weight being lifted off your spirit , and for the first time , maybe ever , you are truly free to discover who you really are . That 's what I 'm doing now . I have found my own personal way to do my spiritual housecleaning with a combination of exercise , spending time in nature , writing and performing music , counselling , reading spiritual and self - help books , and lots of introspection ( some might call it prayer or meditation ) . Others will find different ways to do their personal work . I 'm 49 years old now and I am just getting to know Karen , and I really like the person she is becoming . I don 't know how it 's all going to turn out , but I have huge hope for my future ! And because of the work I am doing , I have a great deal of hope that my children will not have to repeat the pattern . Susan Gammage is a Bahá ' í - inspired author , educator and researcher with a passion for finding ways to help people apply Bahá ' í principles to everyday life situations so they can learn to " live the life " . She has published hundreds of articles and many books and nothing gives her greater pleasure than working on a whole lot more . She is blessed to be able to live in one of the most beautiful parts of Canada . To hire her as a life coach : https : / / susangammage . com / shop or to contribute to the costs of developing and maintaining the site : https : / / susangammage . com / product - category / donations Related Posts February 17 , 2012 at 11 : 10 pm · Wow ! It has been years since I have been so affected by a story like this . I admire Karen 's strength and ability to adapt . It is unfortunate that so many people ( myself included ) take so long to make a decision to change . Thank - you for sharing this . February 17 , 2012 at 11 : 40 pm · Me too , Kelly ! That 's why I asked her permission to post it ! I wish you could hear the songs she 's written to go along with this posting . Sadly I can 't figure out how to help her upload them . February 21 , 2012 at 11 : 13 pm · Thank you so much for your kind words . I really appreciate knowing that people are connecting with my story ! Denial is a very powerful thing … and you stay in the situation hoping that it will improve , then one day something happens to give you clarity . It all happens for a reason and I wouldn 't have developed strength if I hadn 't been challenged . © 2016 Susan Gammage · Web design by Ninebranches , a Baha ' i - centric web agency . Note : The materials on this site reflect the current understanding of Susan Gammage from her experience in the Bahá ' í community and as a Bahá ' í - inspired researcher / author . They do not represent an official interpretation of the Bahá ' í Writings . They are simply offered as an educational resource for Bahá ' ís to consider as they strive to understand and implement the Writings into their lives , institutions and communities . Any questions about the application of certain quotes to your own particular situation should be directed to the Bahá ' í institutions . Official websites include www . bahai . org ( international ) ; http : / / www . ca . bahai . org / ( Canadian ) and http : / / www . bahai . us / ( American ) . Send to Email Address Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I feel privileged that you invited me here today to tell my story . I hope that what I have to say will have some meaning for you so that you may not have to take the same path yourselves ! This is my truth as I see it . Others may have a different perspective . I have changed people 's names out of respect for their privacy . I can honestly say that the vast majority of my earliest memories are good ones . There was always something fun happening - Christmas dinners at grandma 's house , family parties with cousins to play with , and lots of music and laughter . My dad was the life of the party - he was always horsing around doing something funny and all the kids loved him . He could play his mandolin and tell jokes all night . My family was musical , so my sister and I were encouraged from an early age to pick up an instrument and join in . We didn 't have a ton of money , but enough to have a little cottage on a lake with an old boat and a couple of snowmobiles . We kids made mud pies and played hide and seek and made forts in the woods , tied toboggans up behind the snowmobiles , skated on the lake , and had cookouts . While the adults partied , the kids got to run until we dropped . I remember falling asleep under a pile of coats at various hunt camps while the fiddles sawed away in the next room and the floor bounced with the stomping . What did we care if the neighbours thought we were hillbillies ? It was fun ! The troubling thing is that there are big chunks of time I can 't account for . I just don 't remember . And it 's not because I 'm getting old ! I feel like my mind has blocked out something very troubling . During the week we had a pretty normal , quiet family life . Both my parents had good jobs and worked full - time . But on the weekends there were parties - parties at our house , parties at my cousins ' houses , parties at my parent 's friends ' houses , and always there was booze . One night my dad 's cousin got so drunk they had to tie him to the birch tree so he could stand up to play the fiddle . They had to carry the neighbour into his boat so his wife , who had been drinking herself , and had never driven a boat , could drive home to their cottage on an island across the lake . I remember several mornings getting up to find dad asleep in the truck with his feet stuck out the window - he had had driven us home in the middle of the night but was too drunk to walk into the house and go to bed . Sometimes if he had been out by himself , we would find him in the morning halfway out the cottage road , passed out in the truck , blocking the way for any of the neighbours who might want to get in or out . It all seemed funny at the time , and I didn 't think it was out of the ordinary . It 's just the way it was for us . There was also drama and tragedy - when I was 7 my cousin , Greg , whose cottage was next door , died in a boating accident . He and his buddy , Roy , from two doors down , had been playing chicken in his little boat at night with no lights . Roy sustained serious head injuries from which he never fully recovered . They didn 't find Greg 's body until several days later . The police said alcohol was involved . They were 16 . One day my dad was racing his skidoo down the lake in icy conditions after a cookout where the adults had been drinking . He caught a piece of crust and rolled his sled end over end I don 't know how many times . He spent the next two weeks in bed . One spring day our close friend and neighbour put his snowmobile through the ice right in front of our house . Luckily , he got out . It seemed he was always having mishaps , and he was usually drunk . Then there was the day my dad nearly died when his chainsaw jumped out of the log he was cutting and slashed his throat , barely missing his jugular vein . He had been drinking . As the years passed , there were increasingly more arguments and fights . I remember intervening one winter night during a particularly bad incident between mom and dad . He had his hands around her neck and had her backed into the tub . I thought he would kill her and the only way I could think to get him off her was to punch him in the balls . When he turned on me , I ran into the bush in my sock feet and once I knew I was safe I puked behind a tree . I remember being so scared I didn 't even notice how cold my feet were . I was 14 . In another incident years later , mom had left dad to come and stay at my house but she decided to give him another chance . When we arrived at the cottage on Friday night , he was really drunk and started getting violent . We tried to leave , but by the time we got in the car , dad was standing in the middle of the only road out of the place with a gun firmly held across his chest , trying to stop me from driving away with mom . In that moment of terror I had to choose between running my father over with my car , or standing the chance of one or both of us getting shot . He made the decision for me ; as he stepped around to my mother 's side of the car I gunned it and ducked , waiting for the shot . I remember the car screaming and red lining in first gear at 40 mph because it had a standard transmission and I was so scared I had forgotten to shift gears . The cops refused to go and arrest him that night because they said it was too dangerous . They confiscated his guns the next day . I had very disturbing violent nightmares for a long time after that in which I was bashing his head in with a rock . Even after all that , incredibly , mom went back to him . At the time I couldn 't understand why . The day my grandma died in 1988 , he was at it again . This time the cops warned mom to get away . She showed up at my house . I had to lie about her whereabouts at the funeral to protect her safety . I was always pretty outgoing and I had friends , but I was not one of the popular girls in high school . I had skipped a grade so I was younger than my classmates and I was a " late bloomer " with a fall birthday . I turned 14 in the first semester of Grade 10 , and I didn 't start to develop physically until well into my high school years . I was a really good student and I guess somewhere along the line I figured out that it was safer to get good marks and stay out of the way . I adopted the role of the super - responsible kid , perfectionistic , with a hyper - awareness of other 's feelings and needs , putting pressure on myself to overachieve , and somehow feeling like I was never good enough . I spent long hours in my bedroom doing assignments , but music was my life . I was in 3 bands and practiced sometimes 2 or 3 hours a night . I played several instruments , and I thought I was pretty good ! I started dating Frank at 17 . I went to Ottawa to go to university and he came along to attend college there . He was smart and handsome , he came from a well - established , upstanding family , and it didn 't hurt that he had a nice car ! His father was a well known and respected politician . WE WERE IN LOVE AND WE THOUGHT WE HAD THE WORLD BY THE TAIL . We got married when I was 19 . Looking back , I was interested in everything he did but he was NOT interested in the things that were important to me ; we ate the foods that HE liked , we listened to the music that HE liked , we did the things that HE wanted to do . I had always wanted to travel , but he was afraid to fly , so we didn 't . At the time it seemed far easier to do things his way than to deal with the conflict that would be created by my asserting my needs or desires . You see , I had no idea what HEALTHY BOUNDARIES were . So , a little bit at a time , I sold out , and every time I did , I would get a little bit hurt and a little bit angry , and each time I gave away a little piece of myself . It happened so gradually , and over such a long period of time , that I hardly noticed it was happening . It 's like that story about the frog and the pot of water - if you drop a frog into a pot of hot water , he will jump out . He might get burned , but he will survive and probably stay away from the pot ! But if you drop a frog into a pot of cold water and turn up the heat so gradually that he hardly notices the change , he will stay in the pot until he dies . Eventually we stopped hanging around with MY friends , I stopped playing music , I did almost all of the chores - piece by piece , without my realizing it , my identity became eroded and I seemed to disappear . If something went well , he took the credit for it , even if it was my doing . But , when something went wrong , it was ALWAYS my fault . He would twist stories around until it was so confusing I began to doubt my own memory . It was crazy making ! He had expectations in the bedroom and I was made to feel it was MY shortcoming if I failed to meet them . I just kept trying to please him , but nothing ever seemed to be enough . It wasn 't all bad . We had some fun times . We went snowmobiling in the winter and went to his family 's cottage in the summer . We visited regularly with both our families . We both had successful careers , mine in teaching and his in construction . We set goals , had a nice house , and were saving money for retirement . But in 1989 my world shifted , as if I was standing on a rug and someone pulled it out from under me . We had gone to his brother and sister - in - law 's house to give a birthday gift to our oldest niece , but instead of a celebration , there was a confrontation . Their daughters had just accused Frank of molesting them - the older one years before when she was little , before I even knew him . The younger one , who was by now 15 , accused him molesting her just two years before IN OUR KITCHEN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS JUST OUTSIDE , WITHIN SIGHT ! ! ! It must have happened in a matter of seconds , a few minutes at the most ! I remember thinking during the confrontation , " this happens in the movies - this doesn 't happen TO ME ! " and realizing that my whole first 7 years of marriage were based on a lie . Here was the man I loved , admitting to molesting the older girl years before , but he never did admit to molesting the younger one . I can 't begin to describe the shock and confusion I felt ! It was the first time I ever really thought about leaving him , but I was so CODEPENDENT by that time that I couldn 't imagine being on my own . My FEAR kept me trapped . For several months I had a hard time eating or sleeping , but eventually with some therapy I settled enough to decide to stay - we went on to have two great boys who were born in the early nineties , but it seemed like we were dancing around in a circle . Tension would build up , we would fight , then make up , and for a while things would seem to be OK , then tension would build again , over and over . And every time there was another fight , the issue of his molesting his nieces would come up - I could never get over that . One day in the mid nineties , when having internet in the house was a relatively new thing , he asked me to look for a calculator in his brief case and in the bottom I found a picture of a naked little girl - Asian , maybe 10 or 12 yrs old - that he had printed off the computer . I was shocked and I confronted him . I thought about his nieces , and of course there was yet another fight . I destroyed the picture and he assured me that he had just been curious . He apologized and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again . I was in DENIAL . I loved him . I wanted so desperately for everything to be OK . I stayed . We were both workaholics . Things were getting so rotten between us that we both felt good when we worked . I had become a perfectionist control freak - because my relationship seemed like it was out of control . It takes a huge amount of energy to try and control everything in your life - especially when it is uncontrollable ! To survive emotionally I stayed in my head and pushed down the feelings , at all cost . By that time , I was teaching full time , racing home every night with a briefcase full of lessons to plan and papers to mark in time to pick up the kids from daycare at 6 pm . I had two little boys under the age of 8 who were active with swimming lessons , soccer , Cub Scouts , etc . Frank was away a lot of the time working out of town , but when he wasn 't away , on weekends and evenings we would work on another new house for ourselves and move just about every year . We had a very good lifestyle in terms of material things , but I was miserable , exhausted , and empty inside . It seemed like every time we started fighting again , we would go and buy something new like a truck or a new snowmobile or a 4 wheeler , and for a little while it made us feel a bit better , but the feeling never lasted . I kept trying harder to make him happy but it was impossible , and I was so out of touch with myself that I had no idea what it would take to make me happy . On Easter weekend in 2000 I had a very sudden life - threatening health crisis that ended up being the catalyst I needed to start making some positive changes in my life . Looking back , I realize that I was completely burned out . It was a miracle that I was alive ; most people don 't survive the diagnosis I was given . I was never religious , but that night for the first time in my life I prayed and meant it . I said , " God , if you 're even there , apparently the way I have been directing my life up to this point in time has not been working too well . If I am meant to die here tonight , then my crying and fussing about it isn 't going to change anything , SOOOOOOOO here I am - you can take it from here , just please , if I am meant to live , show me what I am supposed to do ! " I 'm not suggesting you should believe what I believe ; I am just saying that 's what I did , because that 's all I had left to do . After a week in intensive care , I went home to recuperate , but I had to stop working . It was the first time I really started to wonder why I was here on the planet . On the outside everything looked great - nice house , good career , two great kids - but there was nothing left inside . I felt like a completely vacant empty shell . I started going back to therapy , but this time I was really ready to do the work and find out what was going on . One of the many valuable things I learned in therapy is that the difficulties that we face in our major relationships reflect back to us unresolved issues of our own . Over time and with help , I began to really look at things in a new perspective . During this time , I discovered that our beloved babysitter / housekeeper had forged my signature on several cheques to the tune of almost $ 2000 . 00 . She and her husband had been like adopted grandparents for our boys . I felt so betrayed ! I also found out that Frank had been having an ongoing affair with one of my friends . Others in the community , including my best friend , knew about it but no one told me . I felt double betrayed ! He showed me humility and convinced me of his sincerity when he apologized , and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again . I was in DENIAL . I loved him . I wanted desperately for it to be OK . I stayed . And I got more counselling to try and help me deal with this latest crisis . Then , on the day the World Trade Centre was attacked , Sept 11 , 2001 , my own twin towers fell , so to speak . Our computer in our home office had broken and I had a technician come to the house to fix it . As I sat beside him , he opened files with dozens of pornographic pictures of children . I was mortified , shocked , and embarrassed to have such images in my home and furious that my little boys could have inadvertently opened one of those files . There was yet another fight , this time in which I threatened to get rid of the computer , and once again , Frank apologized and promised never to do it again . By now we both realized he had a problem . He also began to get therapy , which was enough to keep me hanging on . After all , I loved him and I wanted desperately for everything to be OK ! In therapy , he began to analyze his sexual addiction and discovered that , although he could not remember anything , he had most likely been molested as a child . Now , realizing that I was married to a sex addict , and knowing that major relationships are reflective of my own issues , I began to look at my own childhood and suspect that I , too , had been molested . I had absolutely no memories of anything happening , but I also learned that as a coping mechanism , during traumatic incidents , the brain can literally block out allBy then my father was a raging alcoholic - the town drunk who I kept at arm 's length . I felt guilty if I didn 't see him from time to time , but I felt shame and sadness when I did see him , because of the way he was living his life . My dad died of cancer in 2002 but something shifted between us in the last few weeks of his life . As he was coming to terms with the fact that he was dying I saw an authenticity in him I had never seen before . I stopped being quite so angry and start feeling some compassion for him . A few days before he died , I told him that I had forgiven him . He responded , " Well , wonders never cease " . The day he died , I sat by his bed and I held his hand as he passed . After he was gone I mourned the loss not so much of the man but of the relationship I always wished we could have had and now never would . Strangely , I feel closer to my father now than I ever did when he was alive . I was still married , but our situation was becoming increasingly toxic . By now I had left my teaching career for good to work full time building big waterfront houses with Frank . I was in charge of site administration , hiring subcontractors , payroll and accounting , purchasing materials , AND I worked on site doing things like painting ( sometimes on scaffolding or ladders 24 feet high ) , insulation , shovelling gravel , carrying lumber , picking up garbage , and helping the carpenters with framing . I enjoyed the physical work , and quite frankly , I enjoyed taking the men on the job by surprise with strength and ability that they did not expect to see in a woman . Even though we were making far more money than I could ever have made teaching , Frank constantly belittled my contribution to our business and accused me more than once of being lazy and not wanting to work , because I had left my teaching career after that health crisis . Frank had stopped going to therapy , probably because he realized that once again , the latest crisis had been averted and I was back on the hook . I still loved him , but I suppose by this time I really had lost most of the respect I had had for him . I tried to see the hurt little boy and the sensitive man buried deep down inside all those layers of anger , and I waited for him to fulfill the potential that I saw in him . I would get glimpses of him every now and then when he had to show humility to avert another crisis . I knew he had an addiction , but by now I was so expert at covering up for him that I didn 't even realize that I was doing it . I understand now that what I was doing was ENABLING him to continue to act out his addiction . So why did I keep staying after all the crises and the grief ? Maybe it was LOVE , but more likely it was FEAR and CODEPENDENCE . Living with " the devil you know " somehow seemed less frightening than stepping into the unknown . Even though I was doing most of the work to run the household , I couldn 't imagine being alone - I felt like I was only ½ of a circle - I had started to play music again . Just a little at first , but over time it became a bigger and bigger part of my life , because I realized that it was an important part of me that I had given up all those years before , and I wanted it back because it made me feel good . We started going to music festivals and despite the fact that we had a lot of fun camping with our new musical friends , Frank often made it clear that he didn 't like my playing music . You see , I was having fun and feeling good . It wasn 't for him or about him , and he was jealous . I often told him that I wished for his sake that he could find something in his life that he could feel as passionately about as I felt towards playing music , but he never really showed interest in anything outside his work . By the time I started a band and began to play semi - professionally , he would come to some festivals with me , but it was a favour to me that I could never really repay ; he would make my life absolutely miserable , and often my band would have to rally around me when I would show up backstage before a show in tears . I would try to attend to his needs - did he have a drink ? Was he hungry ? Did he have someone to talk to ? Was he happy ? If he didn 't come , I found out later that he would say things to my children like " Your mother doesn 't want to be here with you . Her music is more important to her . " In 2006 he came to one of the larger festivals with me . I made especially sure to give him extra attention , as he often accused me of ignoring him when I was playing music . We had had a great day together , and ended the evening with a jam session with friends around a campfire . I had been super vigilant to see that he was having a good time . When it was time to go to bed , I put my instrument away and wondered why he hadn 't come into the trailer with me . I went back out to find him necking with a young woman half his age . I rubbed my eyes to make sure . I had had a few drinks over the course of the evening , but I was definitely not drunk . I locked mysBy November 2007 , 18 1 / 2 years after I had first seriously considered leaving , I had finally and truly had enough and was looking for a way out . Although he had never raised a hand to me , I was exhausted from the ongoing emotional abuse and drama , and I had long since lost my respect for Frank . I had threatened for years to leave and had never followed through , so why would he believe me now ? But this time it was different . I had been faithful to Frank through all those years , but now I had met someone at a music conference in Nashville that I was very attracted to . I told Frank about it and he actually encouraged me to be with him , thinking it might be some kind of sexual game . But I was not playing any kind of game . I began talking to this man on the phone and I was falling head over heels in love . I told Frank up front that I intended to pursue my relationship with this man , and that I intended to leave - this time for real . That was when things began to get dangerous . I was still living in the matrimonial home , and I had told my boys , teenagers of 15 and 13 by now , that I was planning on leaving , but that I was hoping to hold out until after Christmas . I couldn 't possibly tell them all the things that had led up to my decision - I felt they were too young to know about such adult problems , and I still wanted them to have some respect for their father even if he no longer had it from me . Of course , they were confused and angry with me . I had tried so hard all those years to cover up the problems between their father and me that they really hadn 't known how bad it was , but now that " the cat was out of the bag " , so to speak , it was impossible to hide the fighting and the arguments . It got so bad that a couple of weeks before Christmas , my younger son pulled me aside and said , " Mom , why don 't we just go ? " , but I was determined to hang on until after Christmas , if at all possible . My older son decided to live with his dad , which broke my heart , because his dad really had not been there for them . He was away so much when they were growing up , and when he was home he was usually either too busy working , too angry , or too tired to interact with them . It was that heartbreak that inspired my very first song . Things were escalating to the point where I was sleeping with my coat and boots and purse by my side because I feared that things might get really nasty and I would have to get out in the night . I locked the bedroom door because by this point I was afraid of Frank , and he would pick the lock just to show me that he could . I got my own cell phone and opened a new personal email account . He later admitted that he had been stalking me ; I would come out of the grocery store or the bank and there he was , waiting . He was checking my odometer , obtaining my cell phone statements , and attempting to hack into my email account . He froze the bank accounts and cancelled the credit cards . He would tell me private information about the band 's business - it made everyone uncomfortable to the point that they considered calling the police . I started going to the local women 's shelter for counselling . They gave me strategies for staying safe , and information on community resources , but most importantly , they reassured me that I was not crazy ! Then one night , while I slept , he broke into the bedroom and began to sexually assault me . He had imagined that I had been talking to this new man while he was out of town , which I wasn 't , but by the time he got home at 2 am he was beside himself with rage . He must have snapped out of his fury long enough to realize what was happening , because I was able to fight him off , but that was the last straw . On Boxing Day I drove away from my beautiful waterfront home to go and live in the basement of my mother 's house . And although I was an emotional wreck , I was finally free , and I never looked back . Shortly after I left , Frank went into a residential treatment programme where he could get help with his sex addiction issues . I hope he benefited from his time there , but I suspect his motivation for going was to lure me back into the relationship as he had done so many times before . Within a few weeks of my leaving he was dating a woman from Oregon who he had met on an online dating site . It 's funny how you learn how very little value your " stuff " has when you drive away from it in a situation like that . You think you are attached to your " stuff " , so you fight for it , and you mourn the loss of it , but in the end , it 's just " stuff " . By the time I got ½ of our " stuff " back in the settlement a year later , I didn 't even want it any more . I had something far more precious - PEACE . And I was finally starting to find MYSELF . I want to make it clear that neither my dad nor my ex - husband were monsters ! I loved them both . Dad was an easy going and fun - loving guy . He was the kind of guy who would help a stranger on the side of the road . And Frank had many good qualities , or I would never have married him ! He was a good provider and a perfect choice for showing me what I needed to know about myself . And every time he put up a hurdle for me , I jumped higher . It made me stronger and more independent in the long run . The point is that ADDICTION MAKES GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS , and addiction and abuse are insidious ; they creep up on you very slowly and quietly . You often don 't notice it 's happening until it 's too late . I have a friend who was a cop . She says , based on her observations , where domestic violence is concerned , escalation is inevitable . In other words , if he hit you once , it is very likely that he WILL hit you again , even if he 's really sorry and he says he won 't . There was one piece of advice she always gave to girls and women who were dealing domestic violence - " keep your girlfriends ! " You need a support system and a sounding board . I wish I had known this . I don 't any longer blame people for the things I have experienced - that would be staying stuck in victimhood . After all , how could my parents have possibly taught me about healthy boundaries when they didn 't have any themselves ? Instead I prefer to think of life like a big theatre production - we all have our parts to play . We just don 't realize that we are in a play until we step back and take a look at the big picture . Our parents were also unconsciously playing their roles , and so were their parents , and so on and so on . Addiction and abuse don 't just start up out of the blue . More likely they are patterns of behaviour that have been handed down for many , many generations . If you look at it that way , there 's no one left to blame . The question is ; what are YOU going to do about it ? You can stay angry and play the martyr or the victim , but that just gives your power away . You can try to stay drunk or high , and make it seem to go away for a little while , but that 's all it is - a little while , then it comes back with a fury , and I don 't need to tell you the long term effect that will have on your life . CLEARLY IT DOESN ' T WORK ! Both of those choices almost guarantee that you will pass the abuse on down to the next generation . Or , you can step up to the plate , as I have done , and begin to do the healing work necessary and make the changes that could potentially break the chain for future generations . It 's not easy - sometimes it hurts like HELL , and it can be downright ugly what you expose when you have an honest look inside . But I guarantee you it 'll be worth it ! My sister tried to cope by drowning her problems in alcohol and prescription pills . She has had ongoing health issues and she has struggled with addiction off and on for over 20 years . I learned that giving her money to help with the latest crisis only enabled her to continue drinking . NOT giving her money made me feel terribly guilty because she was suffering so much , and had very real problems . I love her because she is a gentle soul and she is my sister , but I still haven 't really figured out how to handle my relationship with her , so mostly I try to keep my distance , and that 's a real shame because we could have been such good friends ! But I also try hard not to judge - it could 've easily been me . It will be up to her to make the changes she needs to make to overcome her addiction and improve her life . I have told her that when she makes those changes , I will be there for her , but I also have to come to terms with the possibility that she may never make them . As for the man I started dating , well , it 's been 4 years now , and we still love each other , but I think we both realize that our lives are going in different directions . I will always be grateful to him for helping me find the strength to leave an extremely toxic situation , and I will always cherish the time we had together , but I was not in an emotionally healthy place to begin a new relationship at the time . Was it what is called a " rebound relationship " ? In retrospect , the answer is probably yes , although I did not see it at the time . No matter what the future does or does not hold for us , I 'm OK , and I think that 's the main thing . I have to take responsibility for the part I played in the drama of my life . I understand now that , even though I didn 't realize it at the time , I contributed to my situation by NOT maintaining healthy boundaries ; every time I gave in for the sake of not angering Frank , I gave him a little more power over me . He didn 't take it - I gave it away . And every time I covered up for him , I took away an opportunity for him to take responsibility for his own behaviour . When I began to understand this , the first person I had to forgive was myself ! I couldn 't possibly know then what the consequences of my choices would eventually be . And for that matter , in retrospect , I couldn 't possibly expect to be able to make decisions at 19 that were still valid at 49 . People change ! When I learned to forgive myself , then by extension I realized I needed to forgive my parents - they didn 't know any better what they were doing than I did . They were just trying to figure it out and survive the best they could . How could I expect them to be perfect when I wasn 't perfect myself ? My ancestors were too busy trying to put food on the table and keep the house warm - they did not live in a culture of growing self - awareness that we can choose to take advantage of today . After generations of addiction and abuse , I have the privilege and responsibility of attempting to break the chain . It 's like we 've all been sleepwalking , but now it 's time to wake up ! ! ! ! Abuse can happen to ANYONE . It crosses all boundaries - economic , religious , age , gender . I was a well educated person with a good career and decent financial resources and it still happened to me ! Remember : violence can take many forms - it doesn 't have to be physical . Pain in and of itself is not a bad thing . It teaches us to pay attention . When you stub your toe , for example , you pay full attention to that part of you - you rub it , maybe get some ice , but you take care of it until the pain goes away . The same can be true of emotional pain - it 's there to tell us that we 've been hurt , but we need to learn to pay attention to it and not just ignore it . Learning these skills doesn 't mean you won 't ever feel pain again - life happens ! Sometimes people do things that hurt . It 's a process I expect to be working on for a long time . I didn 't learn these behaviours over night , and it may take a while to unlearn them . BUT I have learned to honour my feelings , to listen to the messages I get from my gut and my heart , not just the thoughts in my head . I feel so fortunate and grateful - for the good things that have happened to me in my life , AND for the insights and the strength I have gained from the challenges I have had to overcome . I not only survived , but I developed a greater level of self - awareness , and I am thriving now more than ever before . The funny thing about forgiveness is that you might think it 's for the benefit of the person you are forgiving , and surely they DO benefit from it , but more importantly it benefits the person who is doing the forgiving . When you release all that anger and righteousness , it 's like a huge weight being lifted off your spirit , and for the first time , maybe ever , you are truly free to discover who you really are . That 's what I 'm doing now . I have found my own personal way to do my spiritual housecleaning with a combination of exercise , spending time in nature , writing and performing music , counselling , reading spiritual and self - help books , and lots of introspection ( some might call it prayer or meditation ) . Others will find different ways to do their personal work . I 'm 49 years old now and I am just getting to know Karen , and I really like the person she is becoming . I don 't know how it 's all going to turn out , but I have huge hope for my future ! And because of the work I am doing , I have a great deal of hope that my children will not have to repeat the pattern . Susan Gammage is a Bahá ' í - inspired author , educator and researcher with a passion for finding ways to help people apply Bahá ' í principles to everyday life situations so they can learn to " live the life " . She has published hundreds of articles and many books and nothing gives her greater pleasure than working on a whole lot more . She is blessed to be able to live in one of the most beautiful parts of Canada . To hire her as a life coach : https : / / susangammage . com / shop or to contribute to the costs of developing and maintaining the site : https : / / susangammage . com / product - category / donations Related Posts February 17 , 2012 at 11 : 10 pm · Wow ! It has been years since I have been so affected by a story like this . I admire Karen 's strength and ability to adapt . It is unfortunate that so many people ( myself included ) take so long to make a decision to change . Thank - you for sharing this . February 17 , 2012 at 11 : 40 pm · Me too , Kelly ! That 's why I asked her permission to post it ! I wish you could hear the songs she 's written to go along with this posting . Sadly I can 't figure out how to help her upload them . February 21 , 2012 at 11 : 13 pm · Thank you so much for your kind words . I really appreciate knowing that people are connecting with my story ! Denial is a very powerful thing … and you stay in the situation hoping that it will improve , then one day something happens to give you clarity . It all happens for a reason and I wouldn 't have developed strength if I hadn 't been challenged . © 2016 Susan Gammage · Web design by Ninebranches , a Baha ' i - centric web agency . Note : The materials on this site reflect the current understanding of Susan Gammage from her experience in the Bahá ' í community and as a Bahá ' í - inspired researcher / author . They do not represent an official interpretation of the Bahá ' í Writings . They are simply offered as an educational resource for Bahá ' ís to consider as they strive to understand and implement the Writings into their lives , institutions and communities . Any questions about the application of certain quotes to your own particular situation should be directed to the Bahá ' í institutions . Official websites include www . bahai . org ( international ) ; http : / / www . ca . bahai . org / ( Canadian ) and http : / / www . bahai . us / ( American ) . Send to Email Address Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
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